#my back hurts. my shoulders hurt. I'm exhausted. tomorrow is supposed to be my day off but theres this stupid group project

[sonofsin]

😒

[diamonddaze01]

[12:38 AM]

Pairing: bsk x f!reader | wc: 1.7k warnings: crying, reader is overworked! a/n: this was 100000% inspired by @tusswrites // lowkey i need seungkwan to yell at me when i overwork myself lmao

You’re on your third hour in the library, hunched over your laptop and surrounded by a mountain of research articles, notes, and half-finished slides. The quiet hum of the fluorescent lights overhead, paired with the almost oppressive silence of the empty library, only serves to amplify the tension coiling inside you. Your gaze flickers to the clock on the laptop screen—12:38 AM. Tomorrow’s presentation looms over you like a storm cloud, the ticking clock counting down to when you’ll have to stand in front of your professor, exhausted and empty, and pray you can keep it together long enough to pass.

Beside you, Seungkwan shifts in his seat, his eyes darting between you and the neglected water bottle he placed by your laptop hours ago. He had insisted on accompanying you to the library after noticing you hadn’t stopped talking about this assignment all day—ever since you got it in the middle of class, you’d been laser-focused, muttering to yourself, planning out every detail. You could tell it worried him. He’d even made a quick run to grab snacks and water, placing them strategically in front of you, like little tokens of support. But in your mind, you don’t have time for snacks or breaks. There’s too much to get through, and the pressure is almost suffocating.

“Hey,” he murmurs, breaking the silence. “You haven’t touched any of the snacks I bought. At least have a few sips of water.”

You shake your head, not even glancing at him. “I’m fine. I need to focus.”

He frowns. “It’s been hours since you ate anything. And don’t think I didn’t notice you skipped lunch too.”

You sigh, fingers still flying over the keys. “Seungkwan, I don’t have time for this right now.”

He doesn’t back down, crossing his arms and leaning in closer. “You’re going to burn yourself out at this rate. Come on—just five minutes. I’ll time it for you.”

“Seungkwan,” you bite out, tension lacing your voice. “Please.”

He raises his hands in a gesture of surrender but doesn’t move, clearly unconvinced. Minutes pass, with him silently watching your every move, his concern palpable. You try to ignore him, hyper-focused on your screen, but his gaze feels heavy.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity, he speaks up again. “Look, I get that this is important. But you can’t push yourself like this. You’ll be completely drained by morning, and then how are you supposed to do your best?”

“Oh my god, Seungkwan,” you snap, hands freezing over the keyboard as you shoot him a glare. “Can you just… stop? This is important. I don’t need you hovering over me like some kind of health monitor!”

He blinks, clearly taken aback. Hurt flashes in his eyes, and he swallows before nodding. “Oh. Okay.” He stands up, quietly gathering his things and slinging his bag over his shoulder, his expression unreadable. “I’ll leave you alone, then. Good luck.”

WHe grabs his bag and slings it over his shoulder, the sharp echo of his footsteps leaving an empty void between you. The silence he leaves behind feels louder than anything he could have said. You try to turn back to your laptop, but the guilt, thick and heavy, wraps around your chest. You shouldn’t have snapped like that. He was just trying to help. Your fingers hover over the keys, but nothing feels right. You feel stuck—stuck in your frustration and your guilt, as if you can’t do anything but wallow in the mess you've made.

Minutes drag by. The longer you sit there, the more the guilt gnaws at you, until it becomes too much to ignore. Without thinking, you push your laptop away and bury your face in your hands, trying to hold it all together. You don’t even know why you feel so overwhelmed. It's just a presentation, just an assignment... but your heart races, your breath shortens, and the pressure of it all feels suffocating.

"I'm sorry," you whisper through your hands, but you don’t even know who you're apologizing to. Yourself? Seungkwan? The quiet library? "I’m sorry, please don’t hate me."

Before you can collect yourself enough to go find him, the sound of footsteps breaks the stillness. Your head snaps up, and there he is—Seungkwan, standing in the doorway, holding a can of Celsius in one hand and a small protein bar in the other. His eyes soften when he sees you, and without a word, he places the drink and snacks on the table beside you. He leans down and presses a soft kiss to the top of your head, his touch gentle, reassuring.

You can’t hold it in anymore. The tears spill over, hot and fast, and you’re suddenly choking on your own sobs. "I’m sorry, I’m sorry," you whisper over and over, barely able to breathe through the flood of emotion. "Please don’t hate me."

He doesn’t say anything, just wraps his arms around you and pulls you close. The warmth of his embrace, the steady heartbeat against your cheek—it’s more than you deserve, and yet it’s exactly what you need. The first tear slips down your cheek, followed by another, and then you’re sobbing, clutching onto him like he’s the only thing anchoring you to the earth.

“Shh,” he murmurs softly, rubbing your back in gentle circles. “I would never hate you, baby. It’s okay.”

His words feel like a balm, soothing the raw edges of your heart. You cry harder, the weight of the stress, the exhaustion, and the guilt all pouring out in choked sobs. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I just—there’s so much to do, and I—” Your words dissolve into hiccups as you cling to him, tears soaking into his favorite sweater, the one he wears all the time, the one that smells like home.

He doesn’t let go, holding you as tightly as if you’re the one keeping him steady. His fingers trace gentle circles on your back, and he whispers, “I know you didn’t mean it. You’re just stressed, and I get it.” He glances around, noticing the curious looks from other students. When one person stares a little too long, he shoots them a sharp look, muttering, “What are you staring at?”

You manage a weak laugh through your tears, feeling a strange warmth in your chest despite everything. But then you notice the mascara streaks and the growing damp patch on his sweater, and you pull back with a fresh wave of panic. “Oh no. No, no, no—Seungkwan, this is your favorite sweater, and now it has my snot and mascara all over it!”

He lets out a soft chuckle, giving you a reassuring squeeze. “Baby, it’s fine,” he says, brushing your hair back from your face. “It’s just a sweater.”

“But you love this sweater!” you sniffle, fighting back another round of tears. “I—this is your favorite, and now I’ve ruined it—”

“Hey, stop that,” he says, gently wiping the tear tracks from your face with his thumbs. “It’s okay. I can wash it, alright? Let it all out; I’m here.” His voice is so tender, so steady, and it only makes you cry harder.

He holds you tighter, rubbing your back in soothing circles and whispering little reassurances, letting you release all the tension and guilt into his shoulder, sweater be damned. “I’m here. Just let it out. You’re allowed to feel this way.”

You’re sniffling and hiccuping, clinging to him as you let yourself fall apart in his arms. With every gentle touch, he brings you back to a place where you can breathe again, where the overwhelming chaos of your mind finally begins to settle.

When you pull back, eyes red and puffy, he just smiles, reaching for your hand. “Do you wanna go home?” he murmurs.

You shake your head, sniffling. “I… I can’t. I have so much to do.”

“Alright.” He doesn’t hesitate. “Then we’re staying. Together.”

You look at him, blinking through blurry eyes. “Wait, you’re staying? Seungkwan, it’s past 1 AM. You don’t have to do that.”

He just raises an eyebrow, a hint of his usual sass creeping back into his voice. “What kind of boyfriend would I be if I left my girlfriend to study alone in a library at 1 AM? If you’re not gonna let me nag at you, at least let me stay and keep you company.”

You can’t stop the small, grateful smile that tugs at your lips. He settles back into the chair beside you, pulling your laptop towards him and scanning your notes. “Alright, so what’s the first thing we need to work on?”

He’s right there beside you, the same soft hum of his voice providing background noise as he helps you with the presentation. Hours pass, and time feels less like an enemy with him there, guiding you through it with gentle corrections and quiet encouragement. The soft glow of the laptop screen reflects in his eyes as he leans over your shoulder, pointing out a flaw in the data and offering a suggestion with that familiar, sarcastic edge you know so well.

At some point, he shoves a bottle of water at you, eyebrows raised in that way that makes you roll your eyes, even though you know what’s coming. You don’t protest this time, just take it from him and drink, the coolness of it grounding you.

He watches you for a moment, satisfied with your compliance, before a small, quiet smile curls up at the corners of his lips. It’s not loud or teasing, just... there, like a secret between you two.

You don’t say anything, and neither does he.

But the unspoken understanding between you feels clearer than it ever has. And for the first time in hours, you find yourself thinking, maybe... it’ll be okay.

Seungkwan just keeps working, his fingers tapping lightly against the table as he goes over your notes. And for the rest of the night, there’s a quiet comfort in the way he’s simply there, letting you work, giving you space, but still keeping you grounded.

You don’t need to say anything. His presence is enough.

[mintmatcha]

cw: baby, cisfem reader who recently gave birth

He has your eyes, you think. It's hard to tell. The baby is still in its squished phase, curled in on himself and grasping at whatever comes close. Closer to grub than human, you think. His cheeks are still ruddy from crying, but his glassy eyes have finally started to close and he sinks into sleep in your arms. With all of the care you can muster, you take the baby and ease him into the crib, praying that he doesn't wake again.

When he stays silent, you ease back away from the crib and back carefully out of the door. You close the door carefully and sigh as you relish the first moment alone you've had all day-- and then you burst into tears yourself.

"What's wrong?"

Ushijima stands at the top of the stairs, shedding his jacket where he stands. You're almost embarrassed for him to see you like this, disheveled and frankly dirty, your maternity bra undone. He's been your husband for years now, he's seen worse, but this feels worse. His brow is knotted with worry, eyes stone strong as ever as he watches you sniffle. When he steps in, arms outstretched, you step aside, giving way for him to see his baby. Instead, your husband comes to you. Wide hands cup your shoulders, thumbs rubbing up and down a bit too roughly to be comforting.

"Are you alright?"

You nod, lip quivering as you bite back your tears. He inspects you closely, brow raised.

"Are you lying?"

You nod again before bursting into sobs again. It's an ugly cry, all snot and coughs, but your husband doesn't pull away. Instead, he tugs you closer, tight into his chest.

"Tell me." Wakatoshi urges as gently as he can. At first, all you can be is blubber, every exhausted emotion coming to the surface at once. You're tired, you're thirsty, you're seventy other emotions that you can't pin down, but the one that comes out of your mouth first is:

"I'm a bad mom."

"Don't say that," he's quick to say.

"I am." His shirt is wet with tears, but you can't stop. "I'm so tired and thirsty and my boob really hurts and I'm not making enough milk- and, and--"

"I was supposed to love him, Toshi, and I just don't."

Ushijima chuckles, softly enough that you can't hear it, but you can feel how his chest shakes.

"It's not funny!"

"You do love him."

Of course you do. You wanted him more than anything in the world. Years of patience and love brought you this baby, and you wouldn't trade that for the world-

But it's just not what you had expected.

"Not the way I'm supposed to!" You pull back just enough to meet his eye. His brown hair is still mussed with sweat from his game. "It was supposed to be instant and special and perfect, but--"

You swallow down your rising panic and glance back at the door.

"I'm not connecting with him," you admit. You love your son, but he's just a baby. All he does is sleep, eat, and cry. There's no special spark about him, nothing that would make you lift a car or die in his honor. It's hard to feel anything when you're so exhausted.

"I think I'm broken."

Ushijima processes this for a long while, the rub of his thumbs much slower now.

"It's not the same," he says quietly. "But, I've never easily connected with anyone, not even you."

It's true. Ushijima is a good man, but he struggles socially to this day. He turns down outings that he isn't interested in, misses social ques and norms, and can be rude without meaning to.

And yet, people still manage to grow warm to him. Hell, you fell in love with the man after months of despising him.

"That does make me feel better."

"Give it time." He pats your back. "I'll take you to the doctor tomorrow."

"I don't need a doctor, I just need time."

He reaches down and grazss over the bare skin if your tit; you had forgotten it was out. "Your breast is hot to the touch. I can feel it through my shirt."

You pull back and feel for yourself. It is uncomfortably warm; you'd been so distressed that you hadn't noticed. That explains the pain.

"We can't. The baby's too little to bring to the doctor's-- there's too many germs, he'll get sick."

"Tendou will babysit," he replies, like it's simple.

"He lives hours away."

Ushijima's already pulling out his phone. "He will come. Go rest and eat- I'll handle everything tonight."

Coming from him, everything sounds so easy. You're frazzled over the fact you reached such a boiling point; does anyone else struggle like this? Or is it just you?

"Are you sure I'm not a bad mom?" You ask again.

He looks back at you and nods, a smile tight on his lips. "Of course I am."

You believe him.

[thehusbandoden]

The Last Straw -Shoto x Reader Angst to Fluff

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.. I started working on a request, and then some ideas for a few others and that took all my time, and now I'm in a block and it's really really annoying >.<

This was written a while ago, but I wasn't that confident in it so I decided not to post, but I guess I'll just post it now, so sorry if it sucks </3 | also I had 0 idea what to put for the title :')

Angst to fluff | Fluff(??) ending | 1,497 words

Warnings!: arguing, yelling, cruel words, Shoto being a jerk, self hate, guilt, a teeny bit of self harm (Shoto scratching his face), self doubt, Shoto hating himself :(, kinda open ending but not necessarily

You and Shoto have known each other since middle school. You dated for four years, and have been married for three. You both love one another dearly, and have memorized each other's patterns, habits, preferences, pet peeves, and everything in-between. And besides the rare arguments your life was a dream. Filled with laughter and happiness. Your husband did his very best to provide the best life for you, and he sure did deliver. You were happy, very happy. Key word 'were'.

As crime rates grew higher (ik ik I'm sorry this is probably old >.< <3) the pro heroes gained more hours. And Shoto being the top 3 in Japan led him to take a large portion of the work load. Leaving him with only a few hours to care for his basic needs, let alone a relationship. It was draining really, but you persevered, knowing that it wasn't personal, and that it might would go back to normal soon.

Except, it didn't. It went on for months, and you were crumbling. You would wake up at six to get ready for work to see Shoto dead asleep, arm splayed across your form, face buried into your shoulder. You would smile sadly, kissing his hand softly. After a few minutes of admiring your charming prince, you'd move him to his body pillow that totally did NOT have a cute pic of you giving him an in-love smile on one side and a seductive look on the other, which he grasped onto, burying his face into the pillow which smelt like you.

After work you'd get home to make dinner for two, putting Shoto's portion into a bento for tomorrow. After that you do the chores, relax, and then go to bed, alone. It was tiring, really. Even on his one day off he just slept and you had work so you couldn't even cuddle with him. It was really starting to wear you down. And after the total crap day, you lost it. Instead of going to bed on time like you usually do, you decided to rage clean the house, knocking down all of your 'to do's.

Clean out the fridge?

Check.

Reorganize the pantry?

Check.

Sort through all the piled up mail and emails?

Check.

Deep clean all the furniture and carpets?

Check.

After all of this, you finally admired your work before glancing at the clock; 3:53. Cursing, you quickly move to get to bed, only stopping as you hear the front door creak open. Freezing, your eyes grew wide -and hopeful- as Shoto walked in, a few bruises scattering his body.

His hair was a disheveled mess, and his suit was soaked with grime from the day. His eyes were exhausted as he took in your frozen form, not quite recognizing how late you stayed up. As you studied your husband, you noticed how dark his eye bags were, and how his exhausted eyes raked across you, sinking in the sight. You blushed as you realized you were only wearing your undergarments and one of Shoto's shirts.

"Sho-"

"What are you doing awake?" Shoto asked, moving inside and closing the door.

"I had a crap day and-" you paused as you heard Shoto scoff as he moved to disregard his hero costume, setting the gear onto the newly cleaned floor.

"Why.. why did you scoff at me?" You ask, confusion and hurt consuming your thoughts.

"It's nothing y/n."

"It's not nothing Sho."

"Just drop it y/n."

"Fine! I will."

"Finally." Shoto murmured, causing you to swerve your head toward him.

"Finally?! What is that supposed to mean?"

"Gosh y/n! Just leave me alone!"

"Leave you alone?! Shoto- we've hardly talked to one another in months!"

"Are you implying that that's my fault?! I have to work y/n! We can't survive on your wage now can we?" Shoto spat, heterochromatic eyes filled with anger.

"I'm just saying that it's unreasonable for you to get mad at me talking to you, when the last time we talked in person was when I dropped off your forgotten bento two weeks ago. Which made me late, and caused my crappy boss to scream at me. But I didn't complain, because I got to talk to you."

"I'm exhausted y/n. I just want to sleep. I'm sorry you got yelled at, but it's your fault for annoying me at work. Punctuality is important. Maybe your lack of it is the reason why you didn't get accepted as a hero."

At Shoto's words you just stood there, mouth agape. Your failure at becoming a hero was a huge insecurity of yours, and you trusted Shoto to comfort you, to be supportive of your heart crushing failure and help you get over it. But, instead he's just rubbing it in your face.

"T-that's not fair and you know it."

"Oh yeah? I think it's more than fair. In fact, I have a lot more to say to you if you're going to be like that."

"Excuse me?! What the heck is wrong with you!?"

"You're what's wrong with me. Moron!"

Your voice caught in your throat as tears threatened to spill. Unaware of your distressed state, Shoto went on, spitting insults with such venom that he didn't sound like himself.

"You're completely useless y/n. All you ever do is spend money and nag me."

"Your 'job' isn't worth anything compared to mine. If you were useful enough to become a hero you'd at least make something. But no~ instead you played around, got bad grades, and snuck into a boy's dorm. Distracting him from success."

"You do nothing in this house that I payed for."

While Shoto went on and on the tears fell down your face. As Shoto's words grew harsher and more venomous he took a step forward, backing you into a wall, step by step. As your back hit the wall you called out to Shoto who didn't even seem to hear you.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I MARRIED SOMEONE LIKE YOU!"

"SHOTO STOP IT! YOU'RE SCARING ME!" As you screamed at him you broke down in sobs, body sinking to the floor. Shoto froze as he heard your sobs, finally being pulled to the moment he looked down in horror to see your shaking, sobbing form. As he stood there stunned, all of his words knocked him to his knees, leaving him hyperventilating as he clutched at his aching heart.

Did he.. really say all.. of those horrid things.. to you? As he remembered every word that he said and your face as he said them he completely broke.

His screams echoed through the night, drowning out your retched sobs.

Your sobs slowed as you looked up, concerned for your love. Yes, he hurt you. A lot. But you still cared for him, and you knew that if he was left to his own thoughts he'd imagine something bigger. Something terribly horrifying.

So, moving to your knees, you moved your body to his, his face buried to the floor as he screamed. "Sho baby.." you whisper, tears falling down your face at his broken state. When he didn't respond, you gently placed a hand onto his shoulder.

As soon as he recognized your touch he jerked away, rolling away from you pitifully.

"NO! GO AWAY! I-I-I'LL HURT YOU AGAIN-" At his own words he broke down in sobs, nails clawing at his face savagely.

"Shoto stop that!" You exclaim, lunging to grab his hands. Shoto just weakly resisted, attempting to pull his hands out of yours and toward his face, whispering the words "no" and "leave" repeatedly.

After a while his sobs ceased, and he just let you hold his hands, which you did so gently, caressing them lovingly as you gazed into the broken eyes of your beloved. His eyes were blank, as if the burden of hurting you caused him to pass away silently.

But you could tell by his small breaths and the warmth of his hands that he's only attempting to cope. After a while you were drifting to sleep when your attention was grasped by Shoto's hoarse voice.

"Y/n.. I'm really sorry. I don't know what came over me.. I'll understand if you want to leave."

"Sho Baby.. I'm not going to leave you. And thank you for your apology. But.. you hurt me, a lot. And no, no you are not like your father and no you are not a terrible person nor husband. You just made a mistake. Everyone does. And I know that I've messed up in the past. And did you leave me? No. You stayed, and we worked things through together. Shoto, we will go back to normal. And you will learn from your mistakes, okay? So please, please don't hate yourself. If you beat up on my baby then you'll hurt me further."

Shoto just nodded, eyes tearing up again as he wrapped his larger form around you, nuzzling his face into your neck desperately.

Yeah I don't know, I felt like I rushed the ending?? Hope you enjoyed!

Requests, comments, and reblogs are always appreciated!!

Shoto's Masterlist | Main masterlist | Requesting Rules (requests always open)

Tips <3

Do not copy, repost, nor plagiarize my work. Ask before you translate or use my work in any way, minus reblogging.

[blingblong55]

Exciting// -John 'Price'Soap' MacTavish//John Price NSFW

Based on a request:

Hello!!!I i hope the spots for kinktober are still available. I'd like to request Wax play with Soap or aftercare with Price if that's not taken. Thank you 😊💐💞💞 --- F!Reader, MDNI, smut, 18+, wax!play, aftercare, pain!kink, use of safe word --- A/N: Double feature because why not,? These are two completely different fics but in one post :)

Soap:

"Wax play?" you ask him to see if you head right. "Yes, but it's not like I'll burn yer, it'll be more for fun, to add something new to our sex life." He had already bought the right stuff for it too. "And again, remember your safe word will always be at hand, so what do you say, my love?" You think of it for a minute, looking around the dungeon of toys he and you loved. "And if I don't like it?" You turn back to him. "The immediate moment you say your safe word, I'll clean it off and we won't ever and I mean ever try it." He reassures. You nod, "Okay." You accept and smile.

Later in the night, you lay in bed, already recovering from an orgasm. He turns the candle on, kisses on your collar bone and looks at you. "My love, are you ready?" His calloused hands caressed the spot that you agreed on. The warm wax falls onto your skin, you whimper and he stops. "R/N?" He wipes the wax with care. "More," you look touching his hand. A smirk on him, the pleasure this pain caused you, leaving you wanting more. He lets the red wax fall, you whimper and look at him, he leans down and kisses the areas around it. "Such a good girl," he whispers and lets the wax drip down. "Johnny~" you squirm, he smirks and nibbles on the reddened skin.

A/N: there was more but my head is a mess, sorry --- Price:

He was in the middle of spreading your already abused cunt when you cried to him. He swore it was because you were already overstimulated, his goal. "Stop, John, please...please...it hurts," you tried to push him away. He kept going until he heard it, "Green, babe, green, please...stop....green," you cried. He immediately stopped all and apologised multiple times. "My love," he couldn't bring himself to touch you. Never had you cried and used the word. The thought of him actually hurting you in what was supposed to be fun, what a damned day this is. He rushes to the water and towels, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he repeats to you and himself. Sits himself against the headboard and brings you to his arms, a small frame of yours compared to him. "Does it hurt?" he kisses your shoulder and then wipes the tears and sweat off.

You nod, not being able to form any other word due to the exhaustion. "Oh, my love," he holds you close and rubs your back. In that moment he swore not to touch you for a good month or two. You are the most precious thing this man can have and knowing you cried your safeword out, is not an ideal moment for him. The lukewarm water gives your sore throat some comfort, he looks at you, frown in his mouth. The bite marks, bruises and his cum that dripped from your inner thighs were all kissed or cleaned by him. His husky voice whispering sweet nothing to you. Promising tomorrow to be a day to spoil his little princess. "And then, we'll get you all your favourite snacks, extra cuddles and even more hugs than you could ever ask for. Anything my love wants I'll get, okay?" his voice gentle, and soft even when speaking to you. One simple nod and he smiles, "Good, you deserve it all," he kisses your temple and makes sure your head is resting on his chest.

A/N: I think this is okay, but be honest if it isn't.

Tags: @airghostlyfox

[chaotic-on-main]

The Bakery | ModernAU One-Shot

☾ Pairings ➼ Levi Ackerman x fem!OC

☾ Content/Warnings ➼ fluff

☾ Author's note ➼ This was meant to be a drabble but then I couldn't stop writing I'm so sorry. But anyways! I'm still working on March for Unspoken Words but sometimes you get little ideas and I just can't move on until I do them. So here! TAKE MY DELUSIONS. (this was only proofread once so take it as it is)

☾ Word Count ➼ ~1.8k

The exhaustion of opening the shop at five in the morning is just now starting to hit you as you roll out blue fondant for the tier cake in front of you. You can’t stop the heavy yawn from escaping your mouth, tears pricking the corner of your eyes from doing so. There were only a handful of hours left in the workday but you were determined to finish this order before then so it would be ready for tomorrow’s pick up.

“Aunt Lyra, you have flour smeared all over your face again.” A voice rings out to the right of you, jarring you from your sleepy state for a moment. You see your red-haired niece munching on a cookie with a contented smile warming up her light brown eyes.

“Sasha, how are we supposed to make a profit if you keep eating all of our products?” You give her a stern look and she just shrugs her shoulders and shoves the rest of the cookie in her mouth. You sigh at her.

“I’ll make more before I leave today.” She mumbles through a full mouth, crumbs falling everywhere.

“That’s not the point and you know it.”

“Yeah yeah.”

“Why are you back here? You should be manning the counter.” You look back down to the designs you were currently working on with the freshly flattened out fondant, reminding yourself to wipe your face when you were done.

“Your favorite customer is here, he says he needs to pick up an order he placed last week.” She stares at you with large, sparkling eyes. “When are you going to finally ask him out? I see the way you look at him.” Your face flushes with heat as you drop everything to wipe your hands on your apron before making your way to the large fridge behind you.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, my dear. Go get his payment, I’ll be right out.” You admit that you couldn’t keep your gaze off him whenever he came in, ordering his usual drink and sitting in his usual spot. For the past year, he always brought a book and would sit in the back for around an hour or two reading and sipping on a few teas before heading off to who knows where for the day. And it was only just that, just a few professional words back and forth and then silence before he left. But you always looked forward to his next visit. You take a deep breath and shake your hands out to get rid of the jitters. Sasha had joked about it but you were actually planning to ask him out the next time you saw him. Today is the day, you tell yourself.

You make sure to have a tight grip on the tall cake box before backing out through the swinging doors separating the dining area from the kitchen. You’re met with the bustling noises of your bakery, signifying yet another busy day. When you turn around to make sure you don’t bump into anything, you also see that the building was indeed teeming with chattering and laughing patrons. The afternoon sun beams through your wide front window and bounces off the shining wooden floors.

“Ah! Ms. Brause, let me help!” Your tall sandy-haired employee comes running up from a table, dirty cutlery and cups discarded, with his arms out in assistance.

“No, Jean, it’s okay. I’ve got it.” You grunt as you heave the heavy confection on the pick-up counter then wipe your hands off on your apron. Jean is a good friend and classmate of Sasha’s. According to your niece, he needed a job as soon as possible so he could start saving up for college. He mentioned that his mom owned a restaurant, and that he could work there but would rather chew his leg off than do that. You couldn’t understand that sentiment, but it never hurt to have extra help at one the busiest bakeries in town, so you said sure.

“Alright, but I’m here if you need help!” He chirps as he stares at you for a moment before turning back around to finish the table he was working on. Sasha had made an offhand comment how Jean had a crush on you since he started. You laughed at the time because it was adorable. Of course, nothing would come out of it since you were practically double his age and he knew that. He never made a pass at you thankfully.

When you make your way to the till, you see Sasha running a card as she talks animatedly about the cake. His hooded eyes flicker over to yours and he nods a hello to you, a small smile playing off his lips. Your heart is racing already.

“Levi, nice to see you again. Would you like your usual, to-go?” You press your hands together underneath the counter to keep them from trembling.

“No, thank you. I unfortunately have somewhere to be as soon as possible.” His deep voice responds back, making your heart flutter more.

“Oh? Where are you headed with such an intricate cake?”

“Just a friend’s party.” He shoves his wallet back into his back pocket and checks his watch. “Speaking of. Is it ready?”

“Yeah, just over on this counter. I’ll help you out.” You walk around the counter to get to the customer’s side before picking up the box carefully. He steps over to you quickly with his mouth open a little in surprise.

“I can get it, just set it down.”

“No, I insist. Besides, I’m already holding it. Get the door for me?” You give him a big smile and he just huffs before turning around and doing what you ask. As you step through the door, you’re met with a warm late summer breeze. The sun is shining down, and you take a deep breath in. You’ve been cooped up in the kitchen for so long that you instantly relax at the freedom.

You see him leading the way over to a small black car about 10 feet away and you begin to follow him, holding the cake box close to your chest. He opens the door behind the driver's side for you to slide it in gently. For extra measure, you even buckle the seatbelt around it. When you stand back up to face him, he’s staring at you incredulously.

“What?” You ask him, stepping back to the sidewalk so he can close the door.

“Why did you do that?” His gruff voice sounds almost amused.

“You need to make sure all passengers are safe.” You shrug your shoulders and chuckle at your own joke. He rolls his eyes at you but he’s definitely smirking. You eye his face as he studies yours. You can’t do this, you think. Asking him on a date seems so ridiculous, maybe next time. Yeah, you’ll ask him out next time.

“Well, I’ll see you the next time you stop by. I hope your friend enjoys their cake.” You manage to get out as you give him a nod then turn to leave as you feel your face warm up again. After taking a couple steps back to the bakery door, you feel something tug at your sleeve. You stop and look over to see Levi holding on to you with two fingers. His eyes are averted and a pink flush runs across his cheeks. He lets go quickly and clears his throat.

“Hey, uh. Before you go…” he trails off. You blink hard at him and twist your body back to face him. He’s about a foot or so away from you and he has his hands shoved into his jean pockets now.

“Yes, Levi?” You notice the tips of his ears are the same flushed pink. His raven hair is blowing gently in the breeze. He is so beautiful, you think. He clears his throat again and shifts his weight from foot to foot.

“I know I don’t know you very well, but I would like to. If given the chance.” He takes one of his hands from his pocket to run it through his hair, his eyes refusing to meet your now shocked expression. He wants to get to know you. Wait, is he asking you on-

“A date? You want to go on a date with me?” You squeak out.

“Yeah. I guess if that’s what you want to call it.” Your heart is about to explode out of your chest and because of that, you can’t keep the shit-eating grin off your face. His gray eyes finally lock onto yours, the corner of his mouth twitching.

“I- yes! I would love to. I was actually going to ask you out just now, but I got too nervous.” The amount of relief that floods your system is almost euphoric. He breaks out into an actual smile, one that just takes your breath away because of how much it lights up his entire face.

“W-well great. I don’t have any plans tonight. 8 o’clock okay?” He fiddles with his car keys as he watches you expectantly.

“What about your friend’s party?”

“It should be over by then. Besides, they’ll be thrilled that I’m finally getting out of my apartment to socialize with someone other than them.” He rolls his eyes at the thought, but then looks back at you with apprehension.

“Oh, well…” You look back in the window to your bakery and see Jean and Sasha both staring at you with wide eyes and big smiles. They give you a thumbs up and a vigorous nod. You shift your gaze back to Levi. “Tonight sounds great. Absolutely.”

You both spend the next couple of minutes exchanging numbers so you can both discuss where to meet later. He gives you a small wave as he backs out of his spot and drives off to his friend’s party. You can’t help but jump up and down as you squeal with excitement. This was actually happening! After months of crushing on him, you have his number and you’re going out with him later. You pinch yourself. Yep, it’s real.

As if in a daydream you slip back into your store, the sounds of chatter and clinking dishes muffled by the thoughts racing through your head. The smile from earlier has not left. Your niece comes bounding up with another cookie in her hands and she starts asking excitedly about what you're going to wear and where are you two going. It’s all just buzzing to you. You’re still in disbelief of what just happened.

“Ms. Braus?” Jean’s voice breaks you out for a moment and you look over to him.

“Yes, Mr. Kirchstein?”

“You have flour on your face still.” Your face falls and you start rubbing at your face with your hands. When you pull them away, you see streaks of white powder covering your fingers. You groan loudly. Levi just asked you on a date while you had flour all over your face.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #238

I went to therapy today. I went because I completely forgot that my therapist took the day off today. Whoops. But that's all right; the drive there is kind of nice, and on the way home, I saw a hawk swoop out of the sky, relatively close to the car, and the sunlight shone coppery-brown through its feathers, and it was so cool, but I couldn't get a picture of it because I was… y'know. Driving.

I went to physical therapy not too terribly long after returning home. We did more work on my ribcage. After doing some relevant exercises and additional examination of the way the left side of my ribcage and the right side of my ribcage move when I breathe, it was concluded that the right side of my ribcage is not expanding really at all when I breathe, because from a top-down perspective, my ribcage is rotated slightly counterclockwise relative to my hips and collarbone, and because my muscles have kinda… glued my collarbone to my ribcage? Which I guess means that it's not moving around properly, which is then messing up everything that is connected to it, like my neck, shoulder, scapula, and… yeah. All the things that hurt whenever I move or do anything. It's very annoying. I suppose we'll see how well this conclusion holds up over time.

I got another exercise to do in addition to the other one. It seems to help quite a bit:

...After this, and some manual therapy to try to release the tension in my pectoral muscles and trying to separate my right collarbone from my ribcage a little, the right side of my ribcage now moves a little bit when I breathe. It wasn't doing that before, and I can feel the difference.

...But goodness, do I ache. I thought I was going to cook some chicken leg quarters today, but instead I just did a bunch of leisure writing, thoroughly exhausted.

...Some days are just like that, I guess. We have plans and because of various things, we don't actually get to do any of them. Oh well.

I gotta wonder sometimes... Sephiroth, does your wing hurt you? It's very pretty, and I'll bet it's very soft and warm and able to give amazing hugs, but I know that human bodies aren't built for asymmetry (you are HUMAN no matter what was done to you and no matter what anyfuckingbody tells you!), and so I wonder if having the weight of an extra limb on the right side of your body might put strain on the rest of your body and cause your other muscles to compensate in ways that lead to aches and pains in unexpected places.

...I wonder about it. And I hope that what I've described is not something you have to deal with. All I've got is an injury to the nerve running down the front of my left shin, and whatever's going on with my ribcage, and these things by themselves are enough to fuck me up pretty badly. I know that if I had an extra limb on just one side of my body, I probably wouldn't be able to handle the strain.

...I wouldn't wish chronic pain on anyone. I don't even have as much chronic pain as some other folks do, and it has still pretty handily sapped me of my energy and my ability to do a lot of the things I used to love. I try to remain chipper and to remember that there are still lots of other things I can do, but admittedly... some days are really hard.

I guess I'll look forward to trying both of my exercises at some point tomorrow. But I'm not sure when; Ma should be coming over to our house sometime between 1 and 2pm tomorrow (admittedly, I am a little nervous about it...) to play video games. I'm thinking maybe to play Vampire Survivors with him, but maybe he'll have some other video game in mind. I won't be able to do the exercises if I gotta focus on keeping him entertained.

There's gonna be an event tomorrow, too, with various food trucks at a certain part of town; we were thinking of going and bringing Ma with us. Food trucks are neat in that they give us a little taste of different foods from all around the world. One of my favorites, back when I worked as a database analyst in the downtown area, was the Greek food truck. I would always go there and get the white bean salad and their stuffed grape leaves with tzatziki sauce; they were SO GOOD. And the kindly gentleman that runs the truck always used to call me "sunshine", for some reason. It was pretty nice. I miss him sometimes, but I don't really have a reason to go over there, because I don't work there anymore and parking in that area is kind of a nightmare...

...Hey, Sephiroth? Does your world have anything that resembles Greek food? Things like tzatziki sauce or falafel or marinated grape leaves stuffed with rice? What about spanakopita? I wonder...

...Hahh... I'm rambling, aren't I? Sorry about that... But maybe I'll ramble just a little. I ache and so... maybe a little distraction might be good...

So... Sephiroth? I wonder. I know you can't answer me, but I'm going to ask anyway. What kinds of food do you like? Besides pasta, I mean. Do you have a favorite kind of sushi? A favorite kind of fruit (I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that it's not actually pears)? A favorite kind of dessert? A favorite cheese? Favorite things to put on pizza? A favorite kind of sandwich? A favorite thing to eat for breakfast? A favorite kind of tea...?

I wonder so many things, simply because, like any human, you deserve to be seen and known - as a human, not as a celebrity or whatever. And you deserve to have those known aspects about you be considered and thought about.

...And... ya know. It'd be nice to someday be able to give you one of your favorite things, and to see your face light up and to hear your voice shining with joy.

...I'm tired and ouchy, and I can't think of anything else to say. So maybe I'll end this here.

Hey. I love you a whole lot. Try not to forget, okay? And, in light of the knowledge that you're loved, please try really hard to keep yourself safe out there. There are lots of people who need you, not because of anything in particular that you do, but just because you're you.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[pbandjesse]

I'm exhausted. Like bone deep exhausted. And it does not help that I'm still in a lot of pain. But now there is new pain too. Because I did to much showing off. When will I learn.

When I got home last night I was just really happy to eat my leftover chipotle with James and then take a hot bath. I kept a rag with the hot water around my shoulders and it helped lessen the pains in My neck. And then I had a little bit of luck with some of the stretches that Mom sent me. They didn't help as much as I was hoping but a lot of the reason is because I can't get my shoulders to drop down and they're like up around my ears. I'm trying very hard but it is not exactly working.

I woke up this morning and I wasn't actually hurting too much. I got dressed and I felt pretty good. My hair feel very dry today but that's okay. I might go and try to get some kind of dry oil at the store tomorrow I don't know if that concerned about it. It was going to be a nice day.

I stopped from McDonald's for breakfast but then they gave me regular cook instead of diet and I was pretty disappointed. And I didn't want to go back so I would end up giving it to PJ because I didn't want it to be wasted.

I got the camp at 8:00 and things were okay. I did not really walk around as much as I have been because I was so sore. So after I made sure everything was set up I got in my hammock and I just chilled until around 9:00.

That's when Candela told me that the tipis were heading to the council right and that she would love my help. So I got to spend a little less than an hour helping out with them and it was so fun.

They had to mix the sand with powder pigment and they needed some more so I remembered that I had some from years ago from day camp so CJ ran up to get the gator bring that down because it was very heavy. And Candela went to go get some rakes so that the kids could get council ring all ready for The image and then they would color it in.

It took a while to get everything ready but once it was ready I had so much fun trying to draw these horses. I did a rough sketch first in the sand as they were raking just to figure out the scale then I had candela look at it and see if it was the right size and what she was looking for. I'm not really very good at drawing horses so this was a little nerve-wracking but it ended up being great. And I was very fast at it so while Candela was supposed to do one and then I was doing one and then we were going to have two other people would on the others I did three of them in the time she did one. So we completely finished the actual drawing and the kids were able to jump right into coloring them in with the sand.

And I just felt so proud. Both of myself for drawing a horse consistently three times even though they were very chunky. And for the kids for doing such a good job tracing it out and coloring it and making it look so beautiful. I hope everyone appreciated it because it looked amazing.

I had told woodlands that I was in the council line because they're always late arts and crafts so I wasn't going to be rushing back up there and even though I didn't get up there to almost 10 I still beat them there. But once I got there they were very sweet and honestly everyone did really good for that. I didn't have really any issues except for a hot glue gun burn later in the day. Everyone else did an excellent job.

Good morning went really well though and I got to work on my blanket which is almost completed. They're still going to be a lot of finishing work and sewing down woven edges and stuff but the actual attaching of the blanket is almost done. I only have The one panel left and then it will be completely put together. And I am so happy. Louisa would come and she was very silly today she did some embroidery then she got bored and she want to try other stuff.

So I showed her how my Ariel silk worked for yoga and she ended up being really good at inverting and so I showed her how to do like a pike and invert and do harness and a backpack not and then we played around with a couple shapes. She's really good at it because I wanted to show off things I know how to do I absolutely bruised my lower back. Feels nice though because I miss doing it I'm just not very strong anymore in my upper body so I was for sure trying to do too much but I was having so much fun and now I want to buy a whole apparatus and get back into it because I love it so much I just hate the classes because I hate waiting. So we'll see what happens but it was really nice to do that and I'm glad that she enjoys it but I'm also very worried about her breaking her head open. Because she was doing it a couple of the other kids wanted to try it including a counselor so I had a couple people walking through how to go upside down and some of the news and I was just watching a lot of heads making sure no one was going to fall. It was just a blast.

At lunch I walk down to the council ringless Louisa to see the finished course painting and it looked so good. Took some pictures and then went to the dining hall to get french fries. The vegetarian option was not done yet and I did not want to wait any longer. And I wasn't that hungry anyway because I had brought my McDonald's sandwich. Now I spent some time just laying in my hammock. I read for a little while. And it was really nice. I was still really sore and my neck was hurting but when I had inverted on the hammock I was able to just kind of let my shoulders go for the first time and it hurt but it didn't feel as tight and so I think I need to work on that a little bit more. Something to think about.

My afternoon groups were great. There was a burn injury which was upsetting. She wasn't even using hot glue gun she was next to someone using hot glue gun and there was a pile of pot glue and she accidentally got her finger on it and my first aid stuff kicked in and I was very calm and I kept reassuring her and I got the hot glue off of her I put her hand under cold water for a few months but she was scream crying and I felt so bad. And I know it hurt because it was big and pink and circular. I called the nurse and while we waited for the nurse I got an ice pack for her and we sat and I just made sure she was okay and I was very calm. I don't ever want to seem dismissive but me freaking out at the same time as her freaking out is not going to help anything. And then once the nurse came up she gave her burn cream and everything was all right nobody was freaked out she was just more upset that she thought she wasn't going to be able to the project just the nurse told her to not use her finger too much. So I would have attach everything but she would direct how to do it and she ended up with a very cute puppy. Everything would be okay.

And tipis would come and I had a great time just chatting with them about siblings and telling stories and listening to their stuff. I taught Aubrey how to make a bracelet on the circle loom. And I kept working on my sewing and it was a good day I was having a lot of fun.

At the end of tipis's program Louisa wanted to show them all how she could do a split in the silk so I let her go up in that and then we were showing off a couple different moves and then it turns out one of the kids also knew how to do it from taking circus classes so we let her go on it and it was just a very silly and a lot of fun. I'm just glad nobody got hurt. I let alexie know that we have been playing around with it and she said that she trusts me and that she's not worried that I would let someone get hurt on profess. Even if we are doing something dangerous I'm making sure we're doing it safely even if we don't have a crash mat.

I wasn't sure if they were going to meet me to stay to help with pick up at the end of the day road really hoping they want because I very much wanted to go home. My neck was hurting still on my back was bruised and my thighs hurt from running the horse last night. Nothing was too bad and wouldn't be until I got home but I really wanted to leave.

I went down to the office to double check that they didn't need me. Annabelle head volunteered to do the bears so I did not have to. And then I waited for Celia to bring a few things up that she had borrowed and I myself together and then I was off.

I drove to home Depot to get the tile adhesive I needed for next week's project. Right before I left I made sure that everything was set up and I know I'm not going to have enough objects but I think it will be okay at least for a couple days. So I worked on that and got everything together and then went to the store. When I got to the store immediately I found a very nice man to show my picture to of what I was looking for but they did not have the one I wanted. So he found me an alternative that was only slightly more expensive and I asked my questions like the cure time and texture and he said it was like a white peanut butter and I said oh the kids call it forbidden green cheese and he literally belly laughed out loud and it was so cute. And I just thought that was the sweetest thing.

After I paid I headed out to my car and there were two girls, young like teenagers or 20 somethings, parked behind me and they were laughing at my stickers and they came out and they told me that I was very cool and that they knew that the person they parked behind was just a really neat person and that made me feel very good and I said I just want people to think that I'm just a little weird. It was a very cute interaction and it everyone drive home.

And the drive home was fine. No traffic or anything but turning my head to look for cars hurts a lot still. I'm doing it but I am for sure turning my whole shoulders.

Once I got home honestly I started falling apart more. Everything started to ache and I think my body up and holding itself together because I couldn't do anything about it and so when I got here I was just like falling apart. James was making us food and they tried really hard but the mac and cheese didn't come out right. It was very salty and very oily. But I really appreciated them trying and we both had hot dogs. I have a vegetarian one for my Kia. It was very good. And then James went and got me acetaminophen from Walgreens because apparently that won't bother my liver as much. Because I just could not function with my neck hurting this much. Like I couldn't turn and look at the coffee table.

Sweet pea late with me and we had some ice cream and it was kind of a rough evening but I was happy to be home and be with the two things I love the most. My husband and my cat.

Eventually I went and took a shower and washed my hair real good. And I felt a little bit more like a person. I got in bed and watch TikToks for a while. Eventually though I was very sore and I just wanted to close my eyes. James came and laid with me and I close my eyes for like a half an hour. But I wanted to get my post done so that I can go to sleep for real because I still have to work at the farmers market tomorrow. And Anna is not going to be there so I have to be in charge the entire time. Which is fine. I'm just sleepy already so I'm not 100% looking forward to it. And then James is going to New York so I'm going to have some time nice but I will also miss them very much.

I hope it's a good day. I hope you all sleep great. And feel better tomorrow. Goodnight everyone.

[gwydionmisha]

Mystery Solved and Jesus Fuck is it stupid and pointless.

We solved the sling. It is all to stupid for words. The first two weeks post op are crucial for correct recovery. We wasted them on needless pointless torture because I am fat. We'll find out the extent of the catastrophe tomorrow afternoon.

She did this terrible, nightmarish dangerous thing to me without examination or measuring me based entirely on her first glance at me from the hallway. I could have lost some fingers or the whole hand. I could have had nerve damage. I have no idea if the bones healed right.

I suspect they were treating me at the surgeon's office on Friday like I was crazy and hysterical because the things I was telling them made no sense. It was likely inconceivable to them that a PT would over ride a surgeon like that to do something so pointlessly damaging to a patient, so clearly I must be saying it wrong.

We were planning for Squirrel to come into the appointments as a third party to explain things since I am not in great shape from two weeks of extreme sleep deprivation necessary for holding my arm as still as possible and keeping the arm from falling out of the sling and the constant battle to keep massaging blood into my hand.

We are still doing the Squirrel talks to the doctor thing because "PT knew the surgeon had messed up when she saw I was fat from the hallway" can't sound anything other than insanity. I'm keeping the sling fitting appointment because I have now directions for things like proper strap and arm position for the normal people sling only the special fat people torture device one which I don't trust for obvious reasons.

How did we solve it you may ask? I was taking things out of the bag from the hospital to put away, retrieving the papers with things like sleep directions, when I looked down and saw my entire arm had slithered out of the sling for the second time. I must have been holding the Forbidden Sling at the time. In my alarm, I put what I was holding down and went to get Squirrel to fix the arm issue.

It's black. I set it on the canvass back pack next to wear the bags go. Camouflage. The arm thing was so dramatic since I wasn't used to having to manhandle it back in constantly yet. I thought I was doing something wrong because they hadn't mentioned how easy it was for the arm to fall out of an immobility sling. I had intended to put the forbidden sling next to the sink to use when I showered. When we couldn't find it anywhere I thought I must have misremembered things given I'd had my bones stolen earlier that day and anesthesia recovery.

When the forearm began to deteriorate precipitously I searched again in hopes because I thought that having a sling that would hold my wrist at a natural angle and not restrict blood to the hand might help, and my normal sling had likely slid between the desk and the filing cabinet and I was struggling to cope with the pain the jostling from breathing was causing, so crawling around on the floor trying to keep the arm from falling out of the sling while the arm felt like it was being stabbed, flayed, and set on fire all at once. I couldn't do a thorough search because of my condition.

By Sunday, my neck, back, shoulder, and arm muscles were exhausted from almost two weeks of having to constantly try to hold the arm still without help from the sling. Keep in mind I wasn't meant to be using the shoulder at all if I could help it because you are supposed to give it as close to complete rest as humanly possible, but because of the special fat person torture sling that wasn't physically possible. Even the trick of sitting at my desk using a pillow in my lap to take some of the weight off my shoulder and trapping the arm between my stomach and the desk couldn't help any more because the shoulder muscles were just done.

I could think a little better with the Millennial altered sling because my hand was better and if I kept my wrist still enough it didn't hurt that much more than the surgery. I hadn't seen the bags during the Friday search, but the little table where things going to the car like bags go is cluttered, and had a lot of extra stuff I'd forgotten to stow in the hectic couple of days before surgery. I decided to see if I'd left the sling in a bag by accident and found it on the back pack.

Squirrel put me in it and built the stabilization nest before leaving for game. Millennial altered sling went into the wash as I wanted to run that after Goth Millennial bathed me so I could produce it in evidence for the doctor and explain why we had to alter it and why everything had gone to shit and why we went against medical orders and had me wear the Forbidden Sling.

So I'm lying there using meditation to try to unclench the muscles I'd spent all that time training never to relax, and I notice what feels like darted fabric against my forearm skin similar to the Millennial alterations to the other sling. O.o. So I felt the parts of the sling I'd never seen because I was looking from above. I'd had a neural block so there had been no chance of me feeling the dart in the couple hours before it had been confiscated because I was "too big." (She kept talking about how big I was and how that that was a problem to me and the nurses. I'm short. There is no ambiguity here.)

The sling had been carefully hand altered.

If it had really been the wrong sling it would have been generic.

They'd measured me for the sling at a pre-op appointment. It had been carefully altered to match my arm which was why it was so small. It had been a size large because you need more fabric to do alterations, so she replaced a custom fitted sling that had been cut down from a large so as to do essential work in the crucial first two weeks with a generic extra large I could have fit both arms plus random cargo into that compressed my hand and held my wrist at an angle it can't go without a lot of force and immobilizing hand and wrist and providing almost no support for a shoulder that had literally just been replaced.

Every other sling any of us had ever seen had let the thumb and fingers poke out, but the hole for that was in my armpit in the Special Fat Person Torture Sling. She either didn't notice or didn't care.

She kept looking at me like she'd never seen a fat person before and acting like there had never been one in short term post surgical. This was certainly not the case. I've had surgery there a lot. I've seen plenty of people a lot bigger than me. Squirrel works there and is like yeah they have plenty of bariatric supplies and there are other fat patients in the hospital all the time so them not having any experience with fat people at the hospital is exactly as weird as it seemed to recovering from anesthesia at the time. (To be clear there is nothing wrong with being fat. I'm not ashamed. I'm mentioning the range of fat people they help regularly to try to convey how weird it was that no one seemed to have any kind of training to deal with not skinny people and that I was not remotely unusual. If I had required bariatric equipment, I still would have deserved to be treated like a person. Everyone deserves to be treated like a person. I'm visibly queer and other staff were using pronouns. I can't remember if she got mine right or not. I can't rule it out, but she never mentioned it, whereas she made clear repeatedly that she was doing this because I'm big).

She could have examined the sling, but she would have had to see me as a person instead of assuming all fat people automatically needed an XL sling for all medical situations regardless of size. She could have measured me to see what size sling would be normal for a person my actual size, but she'd have had to look at and touch me to do that and she could barely force herself to do that during the confiscation. She could have called someone more experienced who'd seen a shoulder replacement sling and/or a fat person before to ask if the sling looked wrong to her. She could have checked my chart. She could have called upstairs to ask if they were sure they had the right sling. She could have called the surgeon or surgeon's office. She could have looked at the custom sling properly while cannibalizing it for a belly strap. She could have actually looked at the fit after hastily and squeamishly putting it on me and thought, "Shouldn't I see fingers?" and stopped to think for a minute.

It took me about a minute to think of all these options that would have been simple and common sense. She couldn't take even a minute to think of one of them.

She did this dangerous horrifically damaging and painful thing without a single thought. Not a one.

I'm sure nothing will happen to her. She'll likely never even be told what she did so she would know not to do it again.

I spent two weeks in hell just because she glanced at me from the hall, saw I wasn't thin, and never noticed or thought through anything after.

None of it was necessary.

I wish I could find out right now how fucked I am on arm recovery. Afternoon feels a long time away.

I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to post something this personal about my health, but I think people need to know because shoulder replacement is a pretty common surgery once you pass a certain age.

Did I mention I had to talk her into letting me keep the forbidden sling. She was really reluctant. She almost threw it out.

[now-we-say-c0ral]

December 28, 2023

I'm still off sick until tomorrow because of this stomach bug. Been pooping less now but my stomach still hurts. What the fuck did I eat that upset my stomach so bad?

Ed went to work even though he wasn't 100%. I was nagging again but it feels like I'm talking to a tree. I just let him be and just told him to pack some medicine and his lunch as well.

I just played Pokemon the whole morning and made myself a high protein brunch-dinner around 12:30pm. Took a shower and went to the gym. I did chest, biceps, and abs today. It was a good session but my legs were a bit sore from yesterday's training. They're going to be screaming tomorrow when I'm hitting my legs again. I do legs twice a week now because Monty's legs inspired me to have cuts on my quads.

Went home and saw Ed covered in his warm poncho. That's cute. I reheated the mung beans and made some rice for his dinner. I won't be eating. I have to be more strict with myself because New Year will be the last time I'm going to be eating a lot of food. Fingers crossed.

Just playing Pokemon trying to fill the Pokedex and we're just watching JJK tonight. It's been a good day.

December 27, 2023

I was supposed to be working today but called in sick at 7am because of a 'stomach bug' and I'm not really feeling well. Ed wasn't feeling well too but he still insisted to go to work because that's just like him. I foresee that he will be back before 10am because he really didn't seem well sleeping last night. He came back drunk as fuck and he was running a fever, I think. It's the result of his relentless partying since the 23rd. Yes, I was nagging when he came back at 9:30am.

I went to the gym despite of my stomach bug and my stomach still hurts bad a lot. I did legs, abs, and shoulders. It was a good gym session for me. I also went to Morrisons to get some essentials for me and Ed because he's sick. I think it's Covid but we both tested and they came back negative.

I cooked mung bean soup for the sick boy and made him some Berocca to help him with his fever. He's still so warm. I told him to take a shower to help him.

I finished the Kitakami and Indigo Disk DLC last night and I've never been happier playing a DLC in Pokemon. It was so good! I love Carmine the most because she reminds me of me.

While I was in the grocery store, a thought came to me. It's so exhausting being a giver when you're in a relationship with a taker. Ed's not doing it on purpose. It's just how he is. That's him in his default. I'm exhausted and it took a lot of guts to finally say this because I've been trying to come up with explanations why I feel this way when I knew why from the start. I've changed, too. I'm less now. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm not going to be that tired anymore. I'm glad that I finally said it. It's so reaffirming. It's sad though that I have to keep myself from giving more of me to him but I'm happy because that means I get to have more of me for myself. I think it makes sense, right?

Kevin and I also agreed to meet for coffee on the 13th of Saturday. It's the third attempt after randomly seeing each other at the station to meet up for coffee but I think we'll see it through this time.

December 26, 2023

Finally! A long, well-deserved sleep after the physical stress that the 24-25th has given me. Those were happy days but I think ageing has made my mood sour. I think I grew up to be a Squidward.

I wanted to go to the gym but I saw online that they'll be reopening on the 27th. Seems like I can't burn the excess calories I've eaten the past few days. If it's not freezing cold here in the UK, it's fucking wet and windy. We can't choose a struggle here because we live with them all. Checking my bank account and I'm literally trying to process how I'm going to manage everything and it's not even January yet. I don't really know.

Ed went to Stevenage to attend their Filipino Christmas Party with his friends but I didn't want to attend mainly because my social battery has run out and I just want to be a potato in the bed gradually growing its roots.

I did nothing all day but I did record myself rapping Nicki Minaj's verse on Monster.

[husbandohunter]

Moments of Despair #1 [Genshin Impact/Diluc x Reader]

Synopsis: “The man who was on fire and realized it too late.”

(A series of works where the boys deal with the passing of their beloved).

Albedo's despair

Warnings: angst, tragedy, major character death, graphic depictions of violence perhaps

(A/n): Had these ideas for a while after reading @/serensama To Mourn series of another fandom. So much sorrow and feeling I just was inspired to write 😫

_______________________________________________

The moment you fell lifeless in Diluc's arms, he wanted to disappear.

It was raining again, he had always despised the rain. How it trickles down the slope of your cheek, like tears falling from the heavens. The sight of it mixing with your blood creating a thin stream of red rivers flowing beside him. They patter down obnoxiously because time didn't care, the gods don't care, the world didn't care. You were just a small fragile person to their eyes but to him you were his light. A candle that used to shine in his dark world was now dissipitated by the waters of reality.

Many droplets have passed and he was still holding you. Diluc could do nothing but stare. He hadn't shed any tears nor could he make a coherent sound. Perhaps it was because his tears have long run out when his father was held in the very same way. Or it was because he was heartless. He's usually told for being cold and indifferent. But the pain clenching in his chest was proof that he still had one (proof that it was still beating), much to his dismay. It would be better if he didn't.

So why can't he just look away? Your wounds, your bruised features, everything now etched so deep into the back of his conciousness that is was starting to awaken his worst nightmares. They were the source of the bile growing in his stomach. The irony stench filling up his nostrils felt so sickening. He couldn't turn away. You're dead. You're dead. You're dead. As if reality had yet to register, or maybe he refused to accept it, Diluc helplessly gazed down your body with blank and empty eyes.

"Master Diluc..."

Jean's voice called out to him pitifully. He rises up with his back turned, ignoring the stares given to him, "Leave. The knights of favonius are not needed here."

"But she's a Mondstadt citizen," The anemo user retorts, slightly taken aback by his impassive reaction, "It's my responsibility to ensure this case doesn't go unnoticed."

Unnoticed. Diluc scoffs in his mind, what a tasteless joke.

"It seems you weren't listening," he announces as his head was turned ajar so they could see the deep hatred glowing red in his eyes, "Leave. Now."

Jean's lips trembled before barely being able to say, "Alright" and retreating her knights back to the city. Kaeya narrows his gaze at his bother, the sorrow was evident through his pupils. He steps forward until he was arms length away from his brother. Too little too late, another failure was added to the belt.

Kaeya was a man of many words but for once he was at loss of what to say. No underhanded suggestions, no ideas taunting him to spill his thoughts, he simply asks Diluc, "What are you planning to do now?"

Silence. Kaeya couldn't predict what sort of expression his brother was making as he looks at your corpse. It brought a heavy weight of unsettlement upon him and here he thought he had already grown used to his brother's quietness.

Slowly, he turns around while letting the water pour down his face. Kaeya tightens his jaw as Diluc drags his feet towards him, stopping when their shoulders were parallel, "It's none of your concern."

"You're just going to leave her here?"

There was a slight pause which was enough of an answer. The Cavalry Captain sighs when he watched him walk away, what was the point of asking when Kaeya knew Diluc so well? He glances at your form before swiftly shutting his eyes.

It was his concern.

-------

A week later, the staff of the Ragnvindr household could hardly recognize their Master's appearance. They knew not to bother him when he decides to lock himself in his chambers. Diluc drowns himself with work from hours to no end as he connects the findings of the person that took your life. As expected, it was one of his enemies- a fatui member. The question was, which one?

"Master Diluc, I beg of you, please take care of yourself," Elzer pleads.

The pyro user didn't bother to spare him a glance or look at the tray of food he carried.

Food...you always brought them whenever he had to work overtime.

"I do not remember specifiying anyone to be allowed in my office," he voices aloud, "If it's related to business affairs simply leave that with Adelinde and I'll take a look at it tomorrow."

"I understand. But you've been working all day and night yet refusing to take any breaks in between. At this rate, you'll harm your health."

The feather pen in his grip kept dragging it's course, "This is beyond the duties assigned to you Elzer."

"That's because it was a request sent by your father," he adds, knowing that stepping over his boundaries may cost him, "If Master Crepus was still here, I'm sure he would have said the same thing."

Taking a deep breath, Elzer lays out his last card, "And also your wife."

The pen slows into a halt.

No one had brought you up until now. Elzer anxiously watches his Master shifting in his seat, his red bangs covering half of his face but he could still see the frown pressing firmly on his lips. It wouldn't be a surprise if Diluc suddenly bursted at him for mentioning such a sensitive topic, all that matters was his master's well being and Elzer was willing to risk everything for it. But nothing. Diluc turns his attention ever so slightly at the tray he carried.

"Fine, but I'm not eating that."

"What? Wasn't this was her favourite-"

"Do I need to repeat myself?"

Elzer furrows his brows before sighing, "...No, Master Diluc."

He exits the room while carrying the fresh dish of Once Upon A Mondstadt that you loved so much. The door closes with a soft click and he was alone again.

People found it strange how Diluc seemed so vacant to your passing. He didn't even show up at your funeral. Instead, he continues his duties as a Mondstadt nobleman like usual while taking care of business matters associated with the winery. Except those who were close to him could see the difference in his actions. Apathy, he was so mechanical in every task he did. Like a marionette attatched on strings, a doll without a soul. After all, his soul died the moment when yours did too. What remains was a shadow of Diluc and a being existing solely for revenge and duty. He was nothing but a remnant.

Fatigue begins to wash over him and he fights to stay awake. Because once he gives in it will all be over. Once he closes his eyes, he would see your face with a multitude of images from the past. He would hear your voice calling out his name from a distant space as it echoes off the walls of his mind. He would fall into a dream where you were still with him and as always, waking up to see that it was never real.

I should have pushed you away.

Because what hurt Diluc the most wasn't that you were gone, rather, it was how you were still here.

Then you'd still be-

Something breaks and it turned out to be the pen he was holding so tightly. Only now Diluc realized how fast his heart was thrumming as beads of sweat began rolling down his forehead. Focus. Don't waste time. He won't grant himself the liberty of anything when your murderer was still on the run. Every wound they inflicted on you was going to be returned in tenfold. He'll make sure of it. That's why, he refuses to think about you at all. Diluc occupies his mind with other matters since at this point, work was the only efficient method of keeping his sanity in tact.

She needs you to focus.

The door opens and Kaeya enters the room while holding a document, "We found the guy."

His reaction was immediate, "Where?"

"Hm, now that we meet, it's actually quite debateable," The captain notes wryly, "When was the last time you've gotten proper rest?"

"I don't have time for this, either you tell me or I'll do it by force."

Kaeya couldn't help but sigh, "Apologies but you don't seem to be in any state for a fight. I'm sure you know how it would end up if you were to face your enemy right now."

"..."

"Diluc, this isn't healthy," Kaeya asserts, it's been a while since he sounded so sincere, "I'm not here to prevent you from doing what's necessary however, perhaps it would be better if I finished it in your stead."

"No," Diluc stubbornly answers, "Hand that over."

"...Heh, then there's really nothing I can do to stop you it seems," he whispers with a sad smile, "At the very least, be careful."

"I intend to," The pyro user snatches the paper parchment out of Kaeya's hands before opening the window, "Also, if Elzer returns, tell him there's a few errands I have to take care of."

The night was a full moon and the sky was empty, Diluc leaps off the edge and disappears into the darkness. There was no telling of what could happen next. Since you weren't here, it was up to Kaeya to watch over him.

-------

The claymore dropped to the ground with a clang as it soaks up the blood of the fatui he just killed.

Diluc was tired, so tired.

He slumps down against the wall from pure exhaustion, all that adrenaline and hatred went up in fumes, leaving behind whatever was left in his heart: nothing. Two hours, not even that far from Mondstadt, the fatui hid in an abandoned building as he cowarded for his life. When Diluc arrived, he never expected this monster to be so weak. This was the person who murdered you? A pathetic nobody that was simply following orders? This was the reason why he lost you forever?

In the end, the only one to blame was himself, for being weak and unable to protect you. He was supposed to be your hero ("Darknight hero," you'd always tease), the rock that shields you just as you had been the warmth he longed for many years, did he give you enough? Was this enough? He thought avenging your death would grant him a peace of mind and the justice you deserved but deep down, he knew it will never be enough when it comes to his love for you.

"Diluc."

He closes his eyes, he hears your voice. He was so tired, it wouldn't be a surprise if he started hallucinating.

"Diluc."

"I'm sorry..."

The man lets out a trembled breath as he apologized to the image of you in his mind. I'm sorry I failed you. They were repeated like a mantra in hopes to reach you somehow. Of course that was impossible, his feelings, his emotions, love and sorrow altogether will never reach you again. And your arms that once comforted him and brushed his hair with a soothing voice, saying everything will be okay, where are they now?

"Diluc."

"Stop," he didn't want to hear your voice.

"Diluc, I'm here."

"Stop..."

"Diluc..."

He jolts his eyes open and lets out a yell, what was he saying? He doesn't know. All he needed now was to drown out the fake voices mocking in his head. Diluc grabs the nearest object and shatters it against the floor, the dam was broken and it flooded uncontrollably, breaking everything in it's way. The abandoned house was filled with loud cries of a man sobbing with agony like a broken-hearted child. He crumbles to his knees and falls to his side, lifting his forearms while clutching his face.

And screamed.

Archons, what did he do to deserve this? Why do the people he cherish get taken away from him? Diluc never wanted to be the Darknight hero if it meant having his father perish in his arms. He didn't want the feeling of stabs against his chest with every breath he took. He didn't want to feel cold while knowing it was because you weren't here to hold him. He didn't want your voice, your pictures or your memory.

He wanted you.

"(Y/n)..." he chokes. Rolling to his back, Diluc moves his arms to cover his eyes, letting the tears run down to his ears, "(Y/n)..."

For who knows how long, he lays there in the abandoned building and mourns. Diluc doesn't have the strength to move from his position, he found himself staring mindlessly through the cracks of the roof when his voice had gone hoarse. The corners of his eyes still burned and his head was throbbing with so much pain. Maybe he should just stay here but the thought of being in the same room as your murderer was unfathomable.

Picking up his claymore once again, Diluc drags himself out of the door. Where would he go? It's not like he had a home to return to because home was when he was with you. A doll without a soul, the marionette moves as if the strings have commanded him to do so. Where ever it takes him, he didn't care. He just knew he had to go.

[demonsandmischief]

Our Moment Finale

Marvel - A Captain America Fairytale AU

King! Steve Rogers x Female Reader

1.8K Words

Here's Pt 1 and Pt 2

-Part 3-

the conclusion

----

You didn't waste anytime getting home, collapsing onto your bed with a sob that you muffled with your palm. It seemed nothing good could ever truly be yours.

You glanced around the small attic space with blurry tears. The house was supposed to be for you. Your father had left it in your name, yet your step-mother was able to work her way around that.

It was the only reason you stuck around, the only reason you put up with all of it. You were over it.

Peaches was the only thing that you felt a connection to. Your father adored her, and you were honored that you got to bond with her.

You made up your mind. It was time to move on. You dried that last of your tears and began packing a bag. You carefully folded your mother's dress and put it back in the box you got it from. One day when the memories weren't as painful, you would come back for it.

You wished things could be different with your life, but mostly with Steve. You should have known better than to get tied up with the king. It was too good to be true. You felt you had done everything you could to win over his trust, but obviously not enough.

You strapped your bag to your horse. The next town was about a days ride, and you could figure out where to go from there.

---

Steve didn't hesitate to saddle his own horse as quickly as possible. He had to go after you - had to explain. He couldn't lose you. You were the only good thing to ever happen to him.

He stalled in his tracks. Explain what exactly? That his biggest fear was being used and never being loved? He shook his head.

"My king, where are you off to?" a guard asked confused.

"I have to leave."

"But the ball-"

"Tell the court I will explain when I get back."

"Wait, you can't leave without someone going with you."

Steve was already racing down the path, his heart racing along with it.

"There's no time for that," he called. He could take care of himself.

He thought of you as he followed the familiar trail. He thought of the first day you met, and all of the moments thereafter. You always made time for him, always listened to what he had to say. You were attentive and doting.

He had screwed up.

The trail became less familiar. He didn't know where he was going, or how he would find you. He swallowed down the panic. He couldn't lose you. It was a constant circling thought.

Eventually the trail ended and he slowed to a trot. He saw a house up ahead, and a royal carriage in front of it.

He slowed, finding Sam speaking to a guard.

"What are you doing here and how did you get here so fast?" Steve asked.

Sam took his horse's reins. "I know something has been up with you lately, but you can explain later. The lady you talked to at the ball is in the house."

Your step-mother. He had some words for her, but first he needed you.

"Thank you, Sam. I owe you," Steve said, heading for the door.

"Your highness, it's a pleasure to have you in our home-"

"Don't act like I don't know what is going on," he said, cutting her off. "I will deal with you later. Is she here? Where is her room?"

The lady paled even beneath the layers of powder on her cheek.

"S-She's not-" she swallowed at Steve's fierce look, before gathering her wits. "My king, she's not here. She's hardly ever here. I'll show you where she prefers to spend her time."

Steve followed her down a hallway to a door with a winding staircase. She guided him up and into the small room at the top. The ceilings were so low that he had to scrunch his shoulders.

He took in the space, feeling upset at your living conditions.

"Leave me," he demanded, unable to look away from the small bed in the corner, one that contained a single blanket and a pillow, folded neatly on the end.

The step-mother was right. It looked like someone hardly lived here, except there was a freshly cut flower on the windowsill, soaking in the low, dusty light. And the books you had borrowed from his own library sat tucked by the bed. Most importantly, the beautiful dress that he never got to say anything to you about was hanging from the sides of a box under the bed. You must have been in a haste to leave.

He frowned, bending down to pick up a folded piece of paper. Were those the things you did by yourself? What had you gone through?

Steve cursed. He wished he could have started the night over. He wished that he had gone through his original plan instead of being sucked into his own insecurities.

"Where would she have gone?" he asked impatiently to the lady who was lounging on her couch.

"If she isn't in the barn with that horse, I have no clue."

There was no sign of a horse or you. He closed his eyes, feeling the anxiety creeping in and swallowing him whole. It was dark and late, and you were somewhere all alone. It was all his fault.

"She might know someone in the next town over," Sam suggested. "We could head over tomorrow."

"That's a days journey. I'll start the route tonight."

"You're exhausted, Steve," he protested.

"Just in case," his words dropped to a hoarse whisper, his mind plunged into the darkest corners.

Sam nodded. "We will catch up with you tomorrow then. Be safe."

He nodded, already going down the dark path, his heart thudding loud in his ears.

---

You were taking a break and letting Peaches rest. The fire you built was warm and soothing on your stiff limbs. Even after the incident in the woods a while back, it didn't scare you to be out alone. The stars and the moon made it seem as though you could feel your parents, and you enjoyed the sentiment, especially after the day you had.

You rested your head on your hand, your eyes fluttering closed. They were dry and sticky from the tears that had fallen.

You gave a shuddering hiccup, unable to give into the heartbreak anymore. You were cried out. Beyond upset - a numbness covered your whole body like a scab on a wound.

You jolted, hearing steps near you and you staggered quickly to your feet.

"Thank god you're alright," Steve said, rushing towards you. He pulled you tight into his embrace, and it took everything in you not to hug him back.

"What are you doing here, your highness?" you asked confused, trying to pull away. He didn't let go, only eased back so his hand remained on your shoulders.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I believed her over you. I'm sorry that it took me so long to come after you. I'm sorry for everything," he said the words so sincerely that tears filled your eyes for the millionth time tonight. He caressed you cheek, using the pad of his thumb to dry a fallen drop. "And it's just Steve to you."

"But you still did it," you whispered, voice thick with tears. "You don't trust me."

"I do trust you," he said earnestly. "and I care about you. It has been a long time since I shared those emotions with anyone."

"It doesn't matter," you successfully pull away. His hands drop dejectedly to his side. "You're a king, and I'm me. It would have never worked out."

It was quiet a moment. "Why didn't you tell me what you were going through at home?"

You sat down and Steve followed. "I didn't want you to think I was using you. I guess we both have our own insecurities."

He looked into the dimming flames of the fire. "Insecurities or not, I shouldn't have accused. I'm sorry I hurt you."

He waited, but you said nothing. "We're both exhausted and need sleep. Why don't we head back?" He stood, holding out his hand to you.

You shook your head, "I'm not going back."

He paused, fully expecting that response, but it still took him aback. He definitely wasn't going to leave you alone in the middle of nowhere though.

"Okay," he nodded, heading to his horse.

You frowned.

He turned with a blanket, draping it over you, before tending to the fire. Finally, he sat next to you with a sigh. His body was pressed against yours and you couldn't help but sag in relief at the support.

"You can't stay. You have to get back," you protested.

"Shh," he eased, kissing your forehead ever so softly. "Sleep a bit and then we will talk."

---

Gentle light breaking through the trees awoke you from your slumber. You shivered from the damp cold, curling closer to the source of warmth beneath you. Your eyes fluttered and you realized you were practically laying on top of Steve.

You called his name, shaking him gently.

"We fell asleep," you told him with a yawn, falling back onto his chest. It was the best sleep you ever had.

He hummed, wrapping his arm around your waist.

"I'm sorry. You must be freezing," he said coming to, easing the both of you up. Your cheeks heated and you moved to get off of his lap.

He adjusted the blanket so it was pulled tight over your shoulders.

"Come back with me, please," he whispered, turning your chin to look at him. "You can stay with me. I just want to be with you."

"You want me to stay with you?" you asked.

"We could get married in the summer," he grinned, the first genuine smile you had seen in a while.

"Married?" you asked, biting back a smile.

He nodded eagerly. "I'm falling in love with you."

---

Epilogue:

"Come on," Steve encouraged, pulling you eagerly down the hall to your favorite room in the palace.

Things were working out good, really good, between the two of you.

"What are we doing?"

"Close your eyes," he smiled, taking his large warm hands and covering them for you.

He pulled them off with an exaggerated ta-da, revealing a new shelf next to his in the library.

"Now you have your own spot for all of your favorites."

"Thank you," you smiled, leaning up to kiss him. "I love it. I love you."

And they lived happily ever after.

---

Hope you enjoyed 💕

Here's My Masterlist

Tags: @cc12-02 @rockstwrsz @coffeebooksandfandom @liecastillo @trudy-shams @animegirlgeeky @thee-silent-fangirl @eralen @lharrietg @loveforreading

Check out my other stories or leave a request.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2984

PT this morning was just an intake appointment, but i still left forty minutes later sore af because WOW moving my shoulder how it's not supposed to move makes it HURT. who knew?? not me, ig. we scheduled appointments through six weeks, until i go back to the orthopedist next month. until then, i must suffer. then we can get an mri done. then they'll listen to what i have to say. the ligament in my shoulder is loose. i've had doctors acknowledge it verbally and then do nothing besides physical therapy. i can feel it. it fucking hurts. i can't sleep on it. fucking sucks. six years ago when i united my shoulder at work, when it subluxed and bruised the head of the bone, after it was all done and healed and i'd gone for PT, the doctor still said the ligament was kinda loose. well, yes. that's why i have this problem. so fix it, why don't you, and i won't have shoulder pain for the rest of my life. good lord.

anyway.

came back, showered, dressed, went to starbucks, went to work, and was busy like all day. at least i knew going into it i was gonna be busy, so that was fine. when i first went in, i took my meds and i sat down and i tried to get myself organized. kristen came over and so did a student and melissa and i was sitting in my chair, bouncing my leg, talking a mile a minute, and melissa goes, "are you caffeinated?"

i'm like "no, it makes me jittery."

me, thinking: i'm jittery anyway, but ok body

it was funny.

after work i came back and took a nap. i was fuckin exhausted after being up early and having a full day of people.

i napped until about quarter of 8 when i sleepily bumbled out of the room. i stood there as joel made grilled cheese, trying to wake up and decide what i wanted. joel finished up and went downstairs, and i decided i wanted taco bell. so i went and i got some taco bell and my quesadilla was cut the wrong way. which isn't bad, but it's fucking hysterical. and usually it's cut in four pieces, but this bad boy was cut in three. it was so funny to me. it had nacho cheese in it, which is something the other taco bell's in the area don't usually do, so i didn't ask for just shredded cheese. but it was decent. it'll get me off of wanting taco bell for a while.

anyway i got home, i grabbed the cold stuff from the fridge and freezer, grabbed my laundry, and headed downstairs. i threw my laundry in and i went to sit with joel in our space downstairs and we watched a few episodes of white collar which is really great. he likes showing me his usual shows and watching them with me. it makes me happy. i like that he can share things like that with me, that we can do things together. it was a rare night off for him from all other obligations, so it was nice to just be there together.

anyway, my laundry is now all done and folded and i'm in bed and i'm ready to sleep but not to get up early again tomorrow. 8am comes quickly. 7:15 comes moreso.

also my friends at work are planning something for thursday and the only hint i've been given is "sports car." first thing i thought of was driving a sports car which would be sick. second i thought of a delorean, which goes to back to the future because i'm getting older and is my flavor of nerdy, but other than that.

so i don't know and i don't want to know and i still have twelve million things to do. sheesh. can i have another day this week? because yikes.

[camslightstories]

Tolerate it - Part 3

Notes: I wanted to thank all of you for the love and support, it means a lot. I don't think my writing is very good, but I been improving and I'm really glad you guys liked it. I will be updating tomorrow. Thank you for reading and I hope you like it

I added a prompt list to my page, so if you have any request you can use that for your idea, or if you have already one then its okay. I write for everything. If you have any request just tell me I will gladly write it. I receive any type of feedback, comments and request. Have a great day.

Lena Luthor x reader, Kara Danvers x reader, Alex Danvers x reader. Baby Danvers. 

The afternoon came around and the sunlight illuminated the house. Boxes of Christmas decorations were piled in the living room. The soft Frank Ocean music was heard in the background. The smell of chocolate occupied the house.

A few hours after you left, your mom stood in the kitchen. With the phone on her ear as she waited for your sister to pick it up. Her eyes ranked over the entrance of the house, as she remembered how weirdly you were acting. 

The hand dribbling in your thigh, the way you didn't talk more of a sentence. Your constant staring at the beach is the same thing you did without knowing as a kid when your father died. The silence as you worked putting the boxes away, was another giveaway since every time you would be doing anything you would hum a song. 

The way you awkwardly answered when she asked you about Lena, and you didn't fangirl over her as you always did, even though the two of you were in a relationship. The way your glance painfully glanced at certain places and tears would threaten to come out, as you immediately brushed off. 

She knew you enough to tell you were different, and that is why she was calling. She knew one of your sisters would obviously know something about it. The long phone rang a few times before Alex picked up.“Danvers, speaking”

“Hey sweetie, how are you? How is Maggie?” Your mom responded.

The redhead said as she smiled. After a time, their relationship grew stronger. “Hi mom, we're both good, today is our day off, and you?” 

Eliza mentioned as she took a sip of her chocolate.“That's great honey, I'm good, your sister came to visit me today”

“Yeah, Kara told me she was going to go since she needs an interview for the girl she is mentoring after New Years'. But I thought she was going on Saturday” Alex responded as she nodded to Maggie to not stop the TV.

“No honey, Y/N. She came to put some boxes away in the storage.” Your mom responded as she put her mug on the kitchen island.

“Ohh I thought she had to work on the pastries for the DEO gala tomorrow and the classes,” Alex said confused. You guys told each other everything, from you having a dumb thought to you accomplishing your dreams.

“No, she didn't mention it. She seemed different to Alex, she just didn't seem as herself” Your mom mentioned.

“What do you mean mom?”Alex said as she sat up on the couch, Maggie stopped the movie and stared in worry at her fiance.

Eliza said “Well she put at least 12 boxes away and she was just not herself, she kept staring at the ocean. And when I mention Lena she just awkwardly answered trying to avoid her”

“That's weird” Alex commented after mouthing to her fiance ‘Y/N’ after Maggie asked what was wrong.

“Yeah, I wanted to ask you if something happened. Because Alex she hasn't been like that since Jeremiah” Your mom said as she glanced outside to see where you sat.

“Nothing has happened that I know of. But I will go check on her. Don't worry okay mom? I will call you later” The redhead responded as she got up.

“Be safe, Sweetie and I love you, say hi to Maggie for me” Your mom concluded as she walked outside to see your drumsticks on the storage.

Your sister said, before ending the call, as she turned to Maggie. “I love you too, okay mom” 

Maggie stared at her fiance, as she asked “What's wrong with baby Danvers?”

“Mom said she was different, she said she was acting like when Dad died,” The redhead said with tears. You had felt in a silent depression when Jeremiah died, and it left slowly after a few years. 

She had told you when you were born she was going to protect you at all cost, and when Kara entered the Danvers family the blonde did the same. And you as the baby of the family you promised yourself you were going to protect you as they did to you, and you were going to sacrifice everything if it meant for them to be okay and happy.

Maggie knew that the bond between the three of you was strong, and she had witnessed it various of times. When Alex was kidnapped, while she and Kara were fighting you were talking to Alex the whole time, and even offer yourself to change places with the guy’s father confessing to a murder you didn't do.

Or when Kara had solar flares you were helicoptering around her, you would check out what she would eat, or where she was going, everything. And when both of them got into a Life or Death situation with Cadmus you had yelled at them until exhaustion. And cried for the next week clinging to them from waking up to sleeping.

And when you got hurt, Kara and Alex would stop everything just to comfort you. When Barry broke up with you, she, Winn, and James had to stop Kara and Alex from going to beat him up because he broke your heart as he chose Iris over you.

Maggie and Alex were walking down the street, before entering JJ’s, one of your workplaces. The redhead furrowed her eyebrows when she noticed a new girl at the counter doing her job. Maggie noticed Amelia on the register working and signaled Alex to talk directly to the manager. 

“Hey Alex, Maggie. How can I help you guys?” The brunette said as she noticed the couple.

Alex responded as she looked around “Hey Am, I'm looking for Y/N, I thought she had an afternoon shift, or is she at the school?”

“She didn't tell you?” Amelia commented surprised.

Alex recountered worried “Tell me what?”

“She was fired from the school two weeks ago since they found a ‘better fitting music teacher’ and well JJ fired her this morning after she slept in here last night” The brunette mentioned.

Maggie and Alex begin surprised and worried about the newfound information. Alex started to think about the trust and abandonment issues you had. Maggie noticed her partner going into deep thought so she decided to take over the conversation.

“Wow, that's weird. Do you know where she might be?” The Latina asked.

Amelia answered as she pointed to a jewelry store at the front of the street.“She had me put some of her checks in Mr. Rogers name, she might be there”

“Thank you, Lia, see you,” The couple said as they nodded. The brunette nodded with a smile and kept working.

The streets in National City had always been busy, cars honking up and down the road, some people would often compare it to New York. The daylight of the afternoon illuminated the streets. The cold air and breeze still accompanied people even when the sunlight was up. 

“Good afternoon, to my favorite couple,” The old man said behind the counter with a smile, as Alex and Maggie entered.

Alex responded as she smiled and hugged the man. She had his help to find the perfect ring for Maggie, and now he was making their wedding bands “Hello Mr. Rogers, good afternoon”  

“I was going to call you Danvers” The man commented. 

Alex responded with a worried glance. “Why?”

“Well, your sister paid for outrageous engagement right, and then she came by this morning saying she didn't want it anymore and that I could donate all the money to the orphanage,” He said as he reclined on the counter, Maggie and Alex sharing a look of surprise. 

“She did what?”Alex dropped her jaw in surprise, making Maggie roll her eyes as she softly hit her fiance on the shoulder. Alex came out of her shock, just to speak up almost yelling.

“Yeah a $25 thousand ring, she paid in the last 2 years” Mr. Rogers commented, making your sister and Maggie enter in shock, not being able to say anything. 

“Let me get it for you so you can see the piece of art,” The old man said as he laughed going inside the back of the store. 

“Did you know she was going to propose?”The couple looked at each other before, asking millions of questions with their glances. Maggie recuperated herself first, before speaking up. 

“No, I knew she was in love with Lena but not that she was going to propose” Alex mentioned, as she clenched her jaw. 

How could you not tell her?, What other thing were you hiding? Weren't you supposed to tell her about things like this?, Weren't you supposed to trust her with everything?

“Here it is ladies”. Mr. Rogers said as he put in the counter a black box, Breaking Alex out of her thoughts, opening it when the couple came closer. 

Both of the women stared at the silver ring. The ring was simple but sophisticated. The diamond was but between a small infinite form. Alex and Maggie exclaimed at the same time. It was small, simple, and perfect for Lena. 

“Ohh wow,” Alex said.

Maggie commented “That looks so much like Lena”

The old man said, breaking them out of shock. Giving them 5 envelopes, “Do I still give the money to the orphanage? She also left this for you”

“Yes sir, thank you, I will see you around Mr. Rogers,” Alex responded before sighing as she checked the letters, no daring to open the one with her name. There were five letters in total, with your handwriting. One for Lena, one for Maggie, one for your mom, and the other two for each of your sisters.

The man said with a wave, making the couple smiled.“Bye girls”

After a few minutes, of silence and thinking. Maggie started to think as a Detective recurring every single thing you did. “Okay let's go back and think, She was fired two weeks ago from begin a music teacher which was her primal income, she didn't tell anyone”

“Yes, then last night she slept at the bakery when she had a shared apartment with Lena, her girlfriend. And if they had fought she would have asked Kara or me to spend the night at our apartments.” Alex responded, stopping, seeing her fiance working technique.

Maggie said as pointing out each action. They knew you would often make decisions on feelings but this was out of your league. Leaving is not something you would do, your trust and abandonment issues making sure of that. “Because she slept overnight at the store, JJ fired her today, which she didn't tell anyone, then she canceled her perfect engagement ring order for Lena of 25 thousand dollars and told Mr. Rogers to give the money to the orphanage. Which was at least 2 years of her work” 

“Then she gives five letters to Mr. Rogers and asked him to give it to us and then she went to Mom's, with enough boxes to put away all of her things. Acting differently like when my dad died.” Alex said as she finished, taking a big breath, she knew something was wrong and now she didn't know what to do. She was mad at you but she was also scared of everything that has happened, and how haven't break.

“You don't think it has to do anything with Kara don't you?” Your sister said after Maggie and she shared a knowing look. Kara was also in love with Lena, her best friend. 

After 2 years of seeing you two together, the blonde had figured out. And she knew the blonde was hurting, when she saw Lena with someone else, better said with you. Alex didn't want to think about the fact that Lena somehow loves Kara too, and that if something happened you would be heartbroken, lost, and more. 

She couldn't think like that because she knew you would give up anything so that they could be happy and okay. And if you were hurting, Kara would be hurting too, knowing she hurt you. And she would have to stand at the side, as both of you were hurting because she couldn't do anything.

But why the letters? Why not a text, a call something? Why did you ask someone to give them? There was something that wasn't adding up.

The redhead was pulled out of her thoughts when her phone started to ring again, hoping it would be you. But was greeted with your sister's name on her screen. The redhead shared a look with Maggie before answering the phone.“Kar?”

The line was silent for a few seconds before the blonde blurted out. Making the redhead sighed, there it was.“Yesterday, I told Lena I love her”

[stargnusxcarter]

Hey @electricrogue it's technically not my answer to your ask but here's a little something I just wrote that is part of the Bodyguard/Dancer AU verse. Hope you like it 😘 I called it "Conversations in the dark"

She shifted restlessly under the thin sheet, sighed and tapped her pillow, only to feel sleep eluding her again. Helen closed her eyes again, trying desperately to shut her brain, hiding her head between her pillows to block the outer world. In vain. She let out a muffled cry of frustration before kicking the sheet and standing up. 

Helen silently exited her bedroom and tiptoed down the corridor towards the stairs. She knew how a light sleeper Nikola was on a regular basis and didn't want to wake him up because of her insomnia. A warm tea on the couch would do, and maybe, hopefully, the bodyguard would be able to catch some shut-eye for a couple hours before her day started. Helen froze at the top of the stairs when she noticed the lights were on in the kitchen. Cursing under her breath she scurried back to her bedroom, grabbed her gun and went back to the stairs. Carefully, sliding against the wall, Helen walked down the stairs, pointing her gun towards the first floor.

"Easy, it's just me." She heard when she reached the bottom of the glass stairs. Helen let out a soft sigh of relief and relaxed her stance.

"I thought you were asleep?" She asked Nikola upon entering the kitchen, leaving her gun on the counter. The dancer shrugged, and Helen noticed he was wearing his pajama pants but not the button-down shirt, his slender frame bending over the counter as he held a cup under his nose.

"And you? I've been here for the past half an hour so surely it's not me who woke you up."

Helen sighed as she poured herself a cup of hot water before dropping a bag of tea.

"I can't sleep… I keep…" She sat down and pinched the bridge of her nose as Nikola placed a warm hand on hers. "I had a nightmare again…" She confessed, as if ashamed by her own weakness. "It's always the same one. He wins, and I die. And everyone else does."

"Helen…"

"I know, it's stupid. He's dead. I killed him. End of story."

"Helen, its not stupid! It's only been 3 weeks, I'm not surprised you're still struggling with the aftermath. I would be more worried about you if you weren't. Killing someone, even if it's your bat crap crazy abusive ex-fiancé, isn't something you can just dismiss. James told you that you had to give yourself time."

"And how am I supposed to protect you if I am afraid of my own shadow, Tesla?!" Helen snapped, retrieving her hand with a sharp gesture. She ignored the flash of hurt in his eyes. He remained silent.

"I have nightmares too, you know." Nikola eventually whispered without looking at her. "I wake up in a cold sweat, with the memory of your lifeless body in my arms still so present and real that I have to resist the urge to cross the corridor and make sure that you're alive and breathing in your bed. It changes sometimes. Sometimes you're already dead by the time I reach you, sometimes you die in my arms while this bastard just laughs madly at your death."

She stared at him wide-eyed, her lips parted in a silent gasp.

"I didn't know…" is all she managed to reply. He shrugged indifferently.

"All I'm saying… Just because you want to doesn't mean your nightmares will disappear overnight. You need time. And honestly you're doing a pretty good job despite your mental health at the moment." He smirked his last sentence and she gently nudged his shoulder.

"Thank you." Helen smiled, sliding her hand in Nikola's. He squeezed hers in response with a wink. They finished their drinks in a comfortable silence, their hands still linked on the counter.

"You're off tomorrow, aren't you?" Nikola softly asked when none of them made a move to leave the room.

"Yeah, so what?"

"Sleep in. I want you to turn your alarm off and to sleep. You're exhausted, ljubav and you need some rest. So tomorrow you take the day for you, and I mean it. I don't want to see you worrying around about me or trying to work while pretending to rest. Why don't you go on a girls day with Abby and Erika? You know, Spa, manicure, these kinds of things." Helen stared at him dead in the eye, as if not sure what to respond.

"Are you sure you know me at all, Nikola?" She raised an eyebrow and he chuckled.

"Ah, you know what I mean. Try to do nothing for once, you'll see it can be good."

"I'm British, Nikola. 'Doing nothing' is genetically impossible for me." Nikola snorted at Helen's outraged expression and she narrowed her eyes at him. Her next witty retort was cut off when she yawned, raising her hand to her mouth.

"Alright, let's get you to bed, Miss Magnus." Nikola gently pulled her to her feet and they left the room, putting the cups in the sink on their way out.

Once upstairs, they parted, although Helen marked a pause at her door. She seemed to hesitate, turned around, sighed and stepped into her bedroom under Nikola's confused gaze. The dancer shook his head and stepped into her own bedroom.

10 minutes later, a soft knock on his door brought a half-smirk half-tender smile on his lips as he answered. Helen stepped into his room, closed the door behind her and walked up to him. Without a word, Nikola opened his arms and Helen slipped under the sheet, snuggling against him, her head tucked under his chin.

"You'll be alright, Helen. You're safe, now." 

She nodded weakly before sniffling. Nikola felt her silent tears on his skin and simply tightened his grip on her. 

They eventually fell asleep in each other's arms, the same peaceful expression on their faces.

[billiedeanhwrd]

when i fell you were there, with your hands in the air

cordelia goode x fem!reader

summary: your depression is hitting you harder than most days, cordelia comforts you 🤍

warnings: depression, slight mention of childhood trauma, it's angsty mental health fluff basically

word count: 1.7k

a/n: this is my first ever fanfic and i'm very very nervous about it, so pls don't be too harsh, constructive criticism is very much welcome though!! also i'm sorry about any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language. i also have to add that this was very much self indulgent and based on my own experience with depression, so if you don't relate, that's fine, everyone experiences it differently. I hope you enjoy it tho, have fun reading <3

today was one of those days again. one of those days where everything seemed grey and pointless. one of those days where taking a shower was too exhausting. one of those days where it didn't matter if you left your clothes on the floor or a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. one of those days where you isolated yourself. one of those days that seemed to return to you every morning for almost 3 weeks now.

you had been struggling with depression for years now and attending therapy regularly still didn't take away from the embarrassment you felt about your illness. cordelia didn't know, you didn't want to burden her with your subjectively "silly" problems. It wasn't easy hiding something so life consuming from your lover, but whenever you were with her you felt as though you could reach for the stars and there was no point in ruining happy moments with sad stories.

Whenever you felt really depressed and unable to function, you isolated yourself. Cordelia and you had been together for 7 months now and the first time she thought she had done something wrong which had resulted in you needing space from her, but when she confronted you, you reassured her that sometimes you needed some time to yourself because you were a more introverted person. While that might be true, you wanted nothing more than for her to take you into her arms and tell you everything was going to be okay again, but the fear of possibly burdening the already very busy supreme held you back from confessing what was weighing you down.

you were used to this already, you always kept your darkness to yourself, too afraid of being too much or being abandoned by your loved ones, while the rational side of you knew that the people in your life who truly meant something to you would never abandon you because of your chronic depression, anxiety left no room for rationality.

you were always feeling kind of down, but some days it was easier to cope and enjoy your day despite that... and then there were those phases where you felt unusually down, those phases that caused you to isolate yourself and wait for the storm to pass in solitude. They usually lasted only a few days or maximum a week, but this one had been going on for much longer. cordelia was worried, you had never needed so much "alone time to recharge your social battery", but she didn't want to overstep your boundaries and possibly push you away, because what you weren't aware of was that cordelia too struggled with abandonment issues and fearing she would be "too much" (which she could never be for you, you adored every single second you could spend in the blonde witch's presence).

After leaving multiple text messages and trying to call you, only to be greeted by your voicemail, cordelia took it upon herself to see what was going on with you. The knocking on your door would've usually startled you, but you had just ordered a pizza, too tired to prepare a meal yourself and assumed the delivery was faster than they had stated on their website. your jaw fell open and the door was quickly closed again, shit shit shit, what am i supposed to do now? the place looks like a mess, i can't let cordelia se-

"y/n can you open the door please?" she asked in her gentle voice. "Uh, yeah, give me a second" you replied, hastily throwing on a hoodie that had been lying around on your couch, coincidentally that hoodie being one you stole from cordelia a few weeks ago, something that made your girlfriend's heart warm up a little and relieve her of some of the worried thoughts she had that this might be your way of signaling to her that you no longer wished to be in a relationship with her.

"can we talk? i haven't seen you in three weeks and you haven't answered any of my texts... what's going on? you know you can talk to me about anything..."

"uhm, yes, of course. sit down, make yourself at home, would you like anything to drink?"

"no, thank you, i just want to talk to you"

you didn't have the energy to lie to the woman who held your heart in her hands anymore, you were terrified of her reaction, not only to you being mentally ill but also to you hiding it for so long.

"i'm so sorry delia, please don't be mad", you anxiously stuttered out. cordelia grabbed your hand and smiled reassuringly, signaling for you to continue talking.

"I didn't tell you before because i know you've already got so much going on with the academy and i didn't want to pile onto that with my irrelevant issues... I was diagnosed with depression amongst other things a few years ago, it's something i have to deal with every day and some days are easier than others, but sometimes it all comes crashing down on me and i feel like i'm lost in an ocean of a sadness so powerful, i can feel the pain on my body. I know it can be challenging to be close to someone with severe mental issues and I understand if you don't want to continue being with me, i would never want you to stay with me because you pity me or because you're afraid i'd do something to myself if you'd left, you're not responsible for my feelings or actions and i would never want to impose you with such a burden and-"

you stopped rambling when you noticed the tears flowing down cordelia's cheeks.

your eyes widened and your heart started pounding rapidly in your chest. "i'm sorry, was that too much?"

"no, no, no, no, no... it just pains me to know that you've been dealing with this on your own for such a long time because you don't value yourself enough to believe that other people might want to support you through your everyday battles. y/n, i know you, you're the girl who's always there when someone else needs a shoulder to cry on, anytime, anyplace, you always go out of your way to make others feel seen and accepted, why would you ever think that you don't deserve the kindness you so openly give to others?"

now it was you who was crying, cordelia was right, you didn't value yourself enough to believe that. you didn't actively think of yourself as less than others but that thought always unconsciously motivated the way you dealt with the things that were bothering you.

cordelia patted her lap, signaling for you to sit on her lap and come into her arms. you hesitated though, you weren't used to being so vulnerable and open with your emotions and it scared the shit out of you. you feared cordelia was possibly annoyed at you and was only doing this to get it over with and then get out. she watched you, while you were anxiously deciding what your next move would be, her heart broke for you, you looked like a scared baby dear when all she wanted to do was to comfort you.

"baby, look at me"

her chocolate colored eyes were so full of love, simply looking into them managed to get your heart rate down.

"it's okay, i'm not mad at you for talking about your feelings and all i want to do right now is to hug some of your pain away, so please, let me hold you"

you melted at her gentle words and understanding nature, cordelia was an incredibly smart woman, who went through traumatic things herself and even from that little information you shared, she understood you. she saw her younger self in you, so incredibly lonely but oh, so scared of being vulnerable with another person, due to the emotional abuse her mother subjected her to, and while she might not have gone through the same things you did, she felt like she understood your feelings in this exact moment and she wanted nothing more than to make you feel safe with her.

you slowly crawled into her lap, still afraid this was all a trick to hurt you, but when she started combing through your hair and reassuringly whispering "i've got you" and "you're here with me, i promise you, you're safe", you relaxed into her arms.

after about half an hour of laying there with each other, calming down and enjoying the other one's warmth, you spoke up.

"delia?"

"yes, my love?"

"so you're not leaving me?", you hesitantly asked.

cordelia sat up and looked straight in your eyes while asking "would you leave someone you love because they're depressed?"

"no, never"

"then tell me, sweetheart, why would i leave you?"

her response left you speechless, you almost missed her confessing her love. "you love me?"

she hugged you tight and pressed a kiss on your forehead. "more than anything, and please, never worry about telling me about what's going on in that pretty little head of yours, no matter what it is, i wanna know, okay?"

you let out the breath you didn't know you were holding and confidently replied "okay"

a few minutes passed before you spoke up again when you remembered you didn't say those 3 special words back.

"i love you too, by the way"

cordelia smiled lovingly and stood up to reach out for your hand and pull you up. "i know, now let's go to bed, we can clean up this place tomorrow"

you accepted her helping hand and engulfed her in a hug. the way she so naturally used the word "we" and didn't seem to mind helping you clean up your mess of an apartment made you more emotional than you'd like to admit.

And while you knew this would not be the last time you were overwhelmed by your depression, you now knew that you could count on the woman who loved you to stand by your side and help you get through even your hardest day.