marcholasmoth

[marcholasmoth]

It's so stressful going out in public and having to pretend that I'm a normal person and not just a bunch of illnesses in a trenchcoat.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4015

today was alright. i didn't get anything done, though. but i am with joel, so that's good.

i got up and had my appointment with my doctor about my medication. he sent in an increased dose to the pharmacy. i went with my mom to her reconstructive surgery appointment with the actual doctor and it was much less doom and gloom and serious issues than the PA had made it sound like. i get that she was preparing us for a worst-case scenario, but i think it was excessive.

we stopped at pressed on the way home, and we went to the grocery store for a few things. we went home and put it all away, and we went upstairs after feeding simon. but we is normal for feeding simon, wash was looking on like a vulture because he's a glutton and will eat anything in front of him especially if it's wet food. which he does, and then he throws it up, so we make sure simon's food is for simon only.

so i picked up wash and brought him back to chelsea and james's space, and i put him down, but as i did so, he tore a hole in my shirt. my favorite shirt. my t(r)ee of gondor. i was so saddened but i took it off and put it in the washer with the load of laundry i'd just put in and went upstairs.

i sat with mom and sharpened her eyeshadow crayon for her and cleaned the sharpener. when she left for the dentist, i went and took a nap.

however, i didn't wake up with the alarm i set, probably because it was too quiet. so i didn't hear it go off so i only woke up when my mom said, "it's 4:35, are you going to your appointment?" so i threw a t-shirt on, grabbed my meds and chargers, and ran out the door.

i made it to PT in good time. traffic wasn't bad, but i hit every light on the last main drag. i wanted to call ahead but i didn't because i wanted to focus on driving.

the evaluation went well. i told the physical therapist who was evaluating me what hurt and what had less feeling and showed her what i usually do to stretch. she measured my movement and took notes and we discussed a treatment plan and it turns out i get to use the pool 🎉 so im excited for that.

but the good news about al lot it is i could schedule consistent times through september because the schedule was mostly empty.

and after that i came over to joel's for our game. we ordered chinese food for dinner and i got an order of singapore noodles which was really good. game was fun too - we had a ship combat trial because john is building and revising the game as we go, so we made it work. it was fun.

after the game i came downstairs with joel and we scrolled and listened to videos for a while and then when i knew i needed to get up and brush my teeth, i began to feel the telltale signs of a gas bubble.

the onset is quick and painful. to the point where i can't focus on anything but trying to find a comfortable position and trying to rock myself to dislodge the bubble, but often it takes a long time to get rid of. i ended up in a few different places - on the edge of the bed, crouched in the kitchen, sitting cross legged in the entry, on the sofa in the living room, and, when i felt more cold sweats than i had had up to that point, the floor in the bathroom. it genuinely felt like i was going to lose my dinner. but as i sat there with one leg under me and one leg bent, i found i could breathe again. i took another breath. the bubble was gone. all i needed to do, i guess, was threaten my body with the last thing it wanted.

i sat there for a minute to catch my breath, and i let out a genuinely terrible burp. i hate gas bubble burps. they're the worst.

so i went potty and washed my hands and brushed my teeth and came back to bed, where i am now.

joel is asleep beside me. i have missed him so much. i just want to be cuddled into his side for a week.

i'm ready to have a day of getting things done. i have so much to do.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4014

today i went with my mom to return the sleep study equipment. i didn't sleep too badly last night. i wish i were sleeping as well tonight. which i am decidedly not. because i am still awake. i dont anticipate being awake for much longer, though.

we went to michael's afterward to see if there were any cross stitch kits my mom liked because her upcoming surgery means she won't be able to wear her glasses for a while, so she's gonna be struggling for a while.

but we didn't find any she liked. we did, however, find magazine holders so she can organize her desk. and those were on sale. love that.

we came back home for a bit and i agonized over still not being able to get myself to do work.

i have put off emails and schoolwork and python and cleaning out my inboxes and cleaning my room and even going through my goddamn backpack. it's been a bad time.

mom and i went to lunch around 11:30 though. i got that really good salad again. i'm glad i put the recipe into my app. that would've been a pain in the ass to recreate.

after we got back from lunch, i had about an hour or so before my interview call. and i was kind of nervous. so i was agonizing over it for a little while, which is about par for the course.

and instead of doing research and reading up on the job posting to ease my nerves, i went to the careers website for kroll to see if the boston positions were posted.

the number it's been at is 14.

the number it was at, at 2:07pm, was 16.

the jobs were posted.

so i nabbed my laptop and plopped down with it, opened up the listings, hit apply, and started to fill out the application. i moved downstairs because it was quieter and better for my phone call at 2:30, but i kept working until i got the call.

and it was fairly straightforward. i was happy to be able to talk to the person i'd met at the conference, and i was happy to remember the instances i was specifically requested to look into things for upper management that i forget about when filling out applications.

so overall i think it went well. it's a gsoc specialist position that's more focused on the intelligence and risk management side of things, so that was a good thing to learn. and he's gonna check if my time and schedule constraints are okay with the team for now.

and that was it.

and then i went and i texted joel's dad about the person in charge for hiring for the with his company and he sent me a name and i was able to personalize my cover letter and get everything submitted and i was delighted to do so. so that's two big things done in a day.

and then chelsea came in and said, "if you finish all the things you need to today, we can play guitar hero and get ice cream," and if that didn't light a fire under my ass i don't know what would lmao

so since i had my computer up already, i went in and pulled stuff from canvas, replied to messages, downloaded a few things, looked at feedback, and then started reading classmates' work and writing critiques.

i did not finish, but i got one and a half out of four done of those. and then i have my stats to do. but that'll be easy enough, i think. i finished most of one of the critiques before dinner.

dinner was surprisingly good - we had steak-umms, but chelsea and james made the sub rolls into garlic bread, and i put red sauce on mine and it was like eating meatballs and garlic bread and it wasn't bad. it was actually pretty good.

after dinner i finished up the last of the critique and half of the next one. i also restarted my computer and updated my drivers, resulting in another restart.

after that i made my way upstairs with the full intent of going to bed, but mom called me in to look at some of her ongoing research, and i then proceeded to sit at the computer and do research for another hour for her in places she doesn't type quickly enough to think of. so i pulled up a bunch of tabs for her to go through and contacts to get. you can't find a marriage certificate, but your person is italian? check the catholic church records in the area. know someone came into the states through new york in august of 1915? ellis island records. don't know a last name? look up common polish last names and start with "aa" in your surname search, all other details being marked as "exact." something is bound to come up.

anyway.

i still miss joel. james said my car won't be looked at until at least the weekend. but hopefully it'll be precise and not an issue or too difficult to be fixed.

i also have to ask joel for help with my bills. this week is a pay week for him. i hate asking for help.

i really hope one of these jobs pans out.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4013

the first two posts on my dash both contained the word "panopticon." i do not know what this word means, but i assume it has something to do with an overarching culture of something. that will remain a mystery until i am done with this post.

throughout the day today i successfully rescheduled my life like six times. my MRI had to be rescheduled. my therapy with christine had to be rescheduled. i rescheduled my physical therapy appointments so i could make it there with no problems if i took the car.

in doing so, i freed up my morning and consolidated my afternoon, meaning i could go see joel after PT and after picking up my sleep study thing.

all of which i did.

but i also got an email today from someone i met at the conference back in june about a job i applied to, and i have a brief phone interview tomorrow for it! there's a quick hiring process for this one, but it also means the start date is soon. as in, directly before a week-long, already-scheduled, already-paid-for trip.

i let them know anyway.

mom and i started the day going grocery shopping, and we got mcdonald's for lunch. not long after returning home, i had to head out again for my appointments. i stopped by joel's after the appointments, and the two of us ran errands together. it was nice. i missed him.

after getting him some dinner and bringing him home, i headed home for dinner. after dinner i went to walmart - i got stuff to make rice krispy treats, some more shampoo for both me and mom (different shampoos), some lemons, embroidery floss, chocolate chips, and another pair of scissors. i am SO TIRED of losing my little scissors and i have no clue where they have gone!!! i am missing THREE PAIRS OF SCISSORS.

THREE.

so i got another set so i have small ones again.

and i sat with mom for a while, walking her through some computer stuff a she works on a report. which she offered to pay me to write. so i might do that.

but i also have too much to do. so im screwed lmao

and speaking of screwed, i put on my sleep study stuff and i know this is a test i will fail miserably.

[marcholasmoth]

Not to go "if you have ADHD just go for a run" or anything, but I am so serious if you have ADHD you should regularly go outside, no headphones no phone no nothing and just stand and observe for a while until you've had enough. Not until you get bored, until you've had enough. Drink your coffee without watching tiktok. Have a bath without music. Turn down the volume in your headphones. I cannot overstate how much learning to be bored is cruicial with ADHD. Life is not just about pleasure, no matter what your dysregulated dopamine system thinks, and when you teach your brain to be okay with being bored, then boring tasks stop feeling like torture. By letting yourself be bored you are yoinking your system out of the high/low binary and allow for the highs to feel like actual highs and not just anything that isn't low. I am so serious go literally touch grass. Listen to the sounds in your flat. Stimulate your body the way it was designed. It lowers anxiety and makes you feel like you're real and best of all it's completely free

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4012

once again i got nothing done today, but i did have much needed time with kristen. we went to a diner the next town over and had lunch together and talked for a good hour and a half. it was really nice.

ah shit i never got my writing homework done

or my stats homework

it's like the last week or two of classes and i'm fucking it up at the last minute, how cool is that

i wish my brain could fucking function

i'm absolutely doubling up on my adderall tomorrow. i'm sick of not being able to get shit done. it just isn't working anymore. or it's been a shitty time, which it kind of has, but i'm so tired of it all!! even on my adderall i'm napping a stupid amount!!

i hate it.

my eye is still twitching.

i want a slice of cake.

i'm so over feeling like this. thank god for therapy. which i have tomorrow. i also have physical therapy and i have to get my shit together and figure out when i have to leave or if im going to reschedule things because im so tired of not having my car and feeling trapped.

i hope the new oil james puts in my car fixes the issue. or that the ignition coils come in soon. i need my car back. for my mental health.

i miss JOEL. i miss CUDDLES. i miss being over there and i miss eating food i like and being able to go out whenever i want and sitting in bed and working on things.

hcjakhfwlhxkahrkchdkkshf grumble grumble grumble

[marcholasmoth]

Its nice to be corporeal by which i mean having a physical form with which to interact with the world around you but i will not lie to you there are problems associated

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4011

today was arguably the best day of the week.

i woke up and i wasn't super exhausted. i showered and got dressed and put on a clean bra. my mom liked my outfit that was comfy and casual but still not including jeans. i cut my nails. my dad and i went and got indian food for lunch. i got samosas to go so i could have them for dinner. i ran the concession stand all by myself. i tried all the homemade snacks. i enjoyed the musical. i applied for jobs in between performances. i sent an email to my program coordinator for training and apologized for not being productive this week because of everything that was going on. i texted joel and said i was grateful i have therapy on monday. i messaged my doctor to schedule a medication appointment to adjust my adderall dose. i ate my samosas after heating them up in the microwave. i put napkins in with them after i heated them up to absorb extra moisture so they'd crisp up again (it worked). i enjoyed them despite being microwaved. i ran the stand by myself again. i enjoyed the musical again, but this time i smartened up and didn't bring my phone in with me. i helped strike and clean up with kat and the cast and crew so i could bum a ride home off kat. i put a bunch of things away and made things reasonable and functional. i realized i could do the center a lot of good by being a part of stuff because it's kind of a disaster area. i realized i wanted to try doing a musical or play again. i swept 65% of the stage. i sweat like a sinner in church. i had a delightful time with all of it. i got a ride home from kat. i didn't even need my key because the door was unlocked. i talked to my sister for a while. i had a piece of ice cream cake she cut for me. i came back upstairs. i changed my clothes. i snuggled in bed.

it's been a great day. i am really genuinely grateful i have therapy on monday. i need it this week. holy shit it's been awful.

but today was good. i felt loved and helpful and was happy to be present, in the moment.

i have so much homework to do tomorrow.

[marcholasmoth]

Reblog to give prev the power to write their fanfiction

[marcholasmoth]

People who love cold weather are fucking weird. You like to freeze? You like to shiver?? You like when you take a step outside and the air stings your skin???

[marcholasmoth]

Oops!! all Middle Earth

i just wanted to show my family my new bedroom but i don’t think anyone was actually watching when i showed it over a family facetime, even though i specifically asked to facetime to show it. i don’t normally care but this just hurt. i was really proud of my room you know? now i feel like why should i care

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4010

i got up this morning and got ready and headed out for my meeting but i did not stop at starbucks on my way there. i left too late to do so.

the meeting was routine, but in the front row were a man and a woman who kept talking and a gentleman who was stressed, overwhelmed, and most likely autistic. from the questions he asked and the way he responded to the things that were asked, it was obvious that the person speaking was not helping assuage his fears and concerns. he was afraid of doing something wrong and being convicted of fraud, and he was confused about continued claims versus reopening and doing job searches through the state site and because none of it was explained well, he was right to ask questions. the couple said loudly at one point, "he's so negative." i was this 👌 close to saying, "if this is how you talk about a stranger who's sitting next to you i'd hate to hear how you talk to your family," or something like that. they were awful and i wanted to throw them out. they were taking it all so casually and, like, that's good for them. but this man is clearly having a bad time. you can at least be respectful by shutting the hell up. jesus christ.

anyway.

after that, i stopped at target to get my meds.

the insurance company still says i have a primary insurance. i have to call them and ask to speak to someone who has authority to override systems and whose changes will not get reverted once they get submitted because im fucking sick of it. i needed my meds, though, so i used joel's card for it.

and i stopped at starbucks on my way home.

i got back in time to chat with my mom briefly before having to take james to the endodontist for his root canal.

so i sat in the lobby while he got that done. it was successful.

and james is a very good post-op patient in the car because he's very calm and only just slurs things together. nothing crazy or embarrassing. just getting ice cream and a cheeseburger and completely forgetting the experience actually happened.

after that, i helped mom with a few things despite being exhausted and in severe pain since the morning (knee), but eventually it was time to go off to help out with the play.

so i got there as kat was walking in, so i waved and made my way inside. i said hello to the people in charge, and i sat around for a bit before i needed to get to work. and it was super chill. definitely a good thing. the show was fucking hilarious. very happy to have had something to do, though. plus i got to see the show for free and gave first access to the snacks at the snack bar lmao.

during the show, i sat in the row directly behind some of kat's friends who showed up to see her, one of whom was responsible for costuming. they were the recipients of my commentary. they got a kick out of it.

after the show was done, kat came out and i gave her a great big hug. the show was so funny and the music was so good and it was genuinely a great time all around. i had to grab my stuff and log my food, and then i said hi to jenn erdody before taking off.

i went to mcnaldos since i hadn't had a real meal today. not that mcnaldos counts lmao. but it was delicious. and sometimes you want chicken mcnuggets that are hot and crispy and delicious, and even other times you are blessed by the chicken nugget gods to receive 11 nuggets instead of 10. 11/10, would absolutely recommend.

and now i'm home and in bed and my eyes look like i have two shiners and i swear i did not get punched in the face.

and i miss joel. so there's that too.

[marcholasmoth]

[marcholasmoth]

Women light up the world. That's why it's called Broad daylight.

[marcholasmoth]

[marcholasmoth]

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4009

well

i got up this morning and got ready and went to physical therapy and did just fine. i stopped at aromatic joseph's for breakfast for me and joel, and i stopped at starbucks because i wanted cocoa and joseph's was out of the chocolate.

and as i was heading back to joel's, i was stopped at a light, and it turned green and i accelerated--

only for the engine to misfire. again.

so i immediately switched lanes and put on my hazards, slowed down to 20mph, and hugged the edge of the road as i limped my poor car across the bridge and into a parking lot where i could stop and turn the engine off. i texted james and my mom and sat there for a few minutes, knowing that i would need to change my plans back to what they were before i thought my car was okay.

so i went back to joel's, told him about the misfire, and then put together some stuff i wanted and needed to have for the next few days, like my meds and my backpack and my cables and my cup and the burp cloths i want to embroider. so i took everything and changed my leggings and put on sneakers because it was gonna rain today, and i brought it out to my car and went to leave and realized i left my cup in the basement. i was not going back to get it. so i just. went home.

i drove the second slowest way back, ending up at home because the lot at the shop is pretty full.

and mom and i went from there to the craft store, where we got a few things that she can work on when she goes in for surgery and can't wear her glasses for a few weeks. i got embroidery thread, some puffy paint, two hoops, some needles, and a bag to hold everything. i need to find my tiny scissors again because i lost them, also again. i have so many pairs of scissors!! where the fuck are they!!! i have no idea.

anyway.

after the craft store, mom took me to my dentist appointment where i got my teeth cleaned and fluoride put on them, but it's the kind that adds protection to the enamel and it's activated by saliva, and you can't eat or drink for half an hour after it's applied, but in the meantime it's incredibly sticky and also all over your lips. so i finished there and then mom and i went to applebee's (yes, my third trip in as many days) for lunch. we got the same thing we did last time because mom really liked that sandwich, like a LOT, and because she didn't believe me when i told her the construction of the sandwich. like why are you like this, linda. i've eaten this sandwich a dozen times and you had it once, and you're questioning me as to what it has on it? seriously??

i swear to god this woman is actively losing all of her marbles. and it's concerning, but it's mostly annoying. much later in the day, i lost my patience with her to the point where i had to go take a nap because she wasn't fucking listening. she's got a ton of doctors appointments, and when i tried to tell her what they were for and which doctor ordered which tests, she asked me four different times what doctor it was for. like i JUST told you. stop fucking finishing my sentences and listen for once in your goddamn life. and CAN IT about being annoyed by constantly getting phone calls, the doctors are TRYING to prepare you for a SIGNIFICANT reconstructive surgery.

for the love of GOD linda i swear to fucking christ almighty i will throttle you and take away ALL of your calendar privileges. you will not be allowed to schedule things. you will have a single list generated of all of your appointments. you will not have three separate calendars. WHY DO YOU HAVE THREE SEPARATE CALENDARS. for the love of all that is holy, mom. get your shit together. and if you can't, someone else will.

GUHHHHH.

anyway.

after my nap, it was almost time for dinner and i helped get things ready on the table and for the food. we had pork chops and potatoes and broccoli and rolls and after i cleaned up the table and put everything away and then did the dishes and ran the dishwasher and finished the other things that couldn't be put in the dishwasher and then i cleaned the kitchen. i did it because i know my dad gets frustrated at always doing the dishes, and i know my mom gets mad when dad doesn't do the dishes, but mostly i did it (1) because i wanted to and (2) because im not here all that often but when i am im really just a freeloader so i figured i should do something to NOT be a freeloader. and if that means i fix everyone else's problems by creating my own, so be it.

then i went and helped mom with organizing her genealogy, mostly because i sat down to talk and she broke out the big-ass orange folder she's been working out of and she started making piles of all the last names she's working with right now.

she can do some things specifically very well. but the split second she gets confused or lags behind on something, she gets belligerent. and it's been getting worse.

anyway.

after helping sort through the documents and organizing them by person and by date, i went to the bathroom but discovered my cup had fallen over and had spilled three quarters of its contents on the rug. so i sopped as much of it up as i could and then i took the rug and hung it up over the shower bar in the bathroom, because why not. it needed to dry and it didn't go through the rubber backing, and leaving it rolled up living on the floor would only make dad trip in the middle of the night.

so it's hanging up to dry.

but after that i filled my cup back up and fixed the air conditioning downstairs that dad had shut off even though that one air conditioner is the only thing keeping the upstairs truly cool at night (except for my room, i have this super strong unit and a door >:3 ), and i returned to the upstairs and i have been in bed ever since.

there are more than a dozen things i needed to do today. did i do any of them?

no.

so now i'm still stressed and almost out of adderall. tomorrow is the last dose i have and if my meds aren't ready to be picked up because of my insurance bullshit, i'm going to throw my laptop out the goddamn window.

anyway.

i miss joel and i need to sleep.