#mutuals have posted and i have to scroll past shit i have no control over whether or not i see it. and like there have been more than? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

orbitariums · 4 years ago

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𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐦 | 𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤 | 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 (𝟕)

note: omg YALLLLL this chapter took me so long to write and was lowkey frustrating i hope y’all love ittttt

there’s some teaaaa towards the end y’all!! and i’m soooo excited to see where their relationship goes

this is i think the longest chapter of girls on film? BEAR WITH ME!!

playlist

warnings: age gap, masturbation, sexually frustrated steve!, feelingsss <3, mentions of weed & alcohol

word count: 10.7k

𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐦 | 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 7: 𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤 | 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬

"Okay, now twirl around for me a little."

Aaliyah threw her head back with laughter as she followed through with your request and spun around, her dress lifting up while she turned, a smile on her face all the while. The light hit her just right against the brick wall she was posing in front of, and you chuckled as you snapped a photo on your cheap - but functioning - camera. You paused to look through the pictures and grinned as you scrolled through the selection.

"I keep telling you my cousin takes pictures, she could've hooked us up with a photoshoot photoshoot, like a real one."

"I know," you grinned, speaking quietly as you were still focusing on the results of the pictures you'd just taken. "I wanna do everything myself though, you know?"

You squinted through your sunblocked eyes as you looked up at your beautiful best friend, continuing,

"Total creative control."

Aaliyah gazed down at you in admiration, and pushed up the sunglasses that you designed,

"That's YN for you. Independent in every way. How'd the pictures come out?"

Aaliyah bounded up next to you, unable to contain all her excitement to see herself in your clothes. Today was the long awaited photoshoot that you and Aaliyah had been organizing for the past week, a photoshoot wherein Aaliyah modeled for your brand. You organized it together, just the two of you, and put together a plan. You were always ready to organize something, which was why you performed so well at all your jobs - student, state rep office intern, and camgirl.

But this was more than just logic and planning, you truly put your heart and soul into this, because even though you did a lot already, you were centering your clothing brand as your main focus as the summer and graduation drew closer. After college, you'd have to figure your life out. Aaliyah would be trying her hand at med school, but with your Environmental Studies major, you didn't figure that you would be attending grad school. You could get an entry level job somewhere, a place that was similar to your job as an intern at the state rep office, because you could advocate for environmental policy there.

Or you could continue working where you worked, but you figured after graduation it would be best to shift. You already had your own place, and had moved out of college dorms at the end of your sophomore year, so you had no reason to move. But regardless of what you ended up doing as a career, you were excited for free time to continue your clothing brand.

You had already created the website, and you were going to be putting up listings following this photoshoot in which Aaliyah modeled all the clothing you had available. This was an exciting day for both of you, you felt like you were moving into the next step of your life and Aaliyah was so glad to be supporting you. You showed her the pictures while she squealed in awe, the both of you clamoring over which ones were the best. You felt grateful for this moment, and prayed there would be more like this to come. Right now was only the beginning.

"Issa look!" you chimed excitedly, pointing at one of the pictures of Aaliyah in a pair of distressed jeans and a tube top you had sewn.

"YN, I'm seriously so proud of you," Aaliyah said suddenly, and more serious than usual, making you look up from the camera.

You smiled bashfully,

"Thank you, babes."

"No, but really though. These past few months just watching you and being your friend has been amazing. Like you've grown so much, it's crazy. And now you're here finally starting your own brand. I know we're gonna be doing different shit once college is over but I'm so excited to see what more comes out of this, and who you become."

You nearly teared up at Aaliyah's words. She had really been by your side ever since you met, but especially over the past few months, and without even fully knowing what was going on. She might have known about your toxic ex, but you'd hardly spoken to her about Steve. Before you found out who he was, it was just a fun thing, and you only talked about it in joking spirits - but not too much, because you didn't want it to seem like it was serious. And now that you knew who he was, you didn't talk about him at all - she didn't even know that he'd ghosted you.

But the fact that she stayed by your side all that time, watching you crumble and watching you build yourself back up again, oblivious to the entire story, made you feel so grateful for her. You had done the same for her and she would always do the same for you. The reciprocation wasn't transactional, it was mutual and out of love.

Now you were slowly but surely moving on to the next chapters of your lives. While that wouldn't change how close you were, it would mean that you wouldn't be on the same campus day in and day out, and that could make things different. But you were glad to know you had a friend like her to hold you down.

Days like this where you were thriving, making progress, getting shit done, were days where you felt your best.

✺ ✺ ✺

It had been a little over a week since Steve started talking to you on Snapchat, figuring the ins and outs of the ten second videos you would send to him or post on your story, how to customize his Bitmoji to look like him (something you guided him through), and even how to send snapchats himself. You were much more advanced than him when it came to that, though, and you never failed to make fun of Steve for his lack of knowledge on how to take a proper selfie. But as much as Steve loved the fun of Snapchat and the new way to communicate with you as just you, he couldn't help but feel like there could still be more.

And again, he thought that maybe it was possible he was getting eager and hopeful to the point of illusion. Like maybe he was only feeling this way because this was all so new to him and the euphoria that came with this new, exclusive friendship was leading to delirium. But it was a small part of him that felt this way, and he had spent enough time thinking about it to have logical conversations with himself about it. He wasn't letting it drag him down, nor was he drowning in his thoughts.

No, that was what he would've done before. Like you, he had been through some sort of growth, even while he was in the slump that was induced after he stopped talking to you. He realized it was time to stop resisting out of fear and just communicate honestly with himself what he wanted, instead of just sinking into the same cycles he used to let himself go through when he was avoiding the truth.

And so that was why despite this small thought he had, that he was going overboard because he wasn't used to this kind of situation, he didn't brush it off completely. He knew that this tugging feeling at his heartstrings was there for a reason, that if he were to ignore it, he'd either give in dangerously, or miss a beautiful opportunity.

He was taking things slow though, which was why he wasn't just diving straight into the feelings of more intimate attraction that he knew could definitely be there if the both of you just pushed the blinds back a little. What he knew he wanted now though, was the opportunity to continue talking to you on a deeper level. Snapchat was nice, but it felt a bit artificial.

There was only so much that you could do to communicate on a real level over the internet, seeing as you lived on the other side of the country from each other. Steve might have been old fashioned for wanting more, when there was only so much he could get.

But he felt like there was an option for even more personal interaction, though having you on Snapchat felt incredibly intimate - seeing no one else on the cam site got to see your regular life like this. He started to think about the brief conversation he had with you in which you were trying to decide how to communicate safely and personally outside of the Girls on Film site. One of the methods that came up was texting. But for the sake of safety, Steve had denied that form of communication.

Now, though, he was having second thoughts, spurred on by a moment he caught between Natasha and Tony while he was in the meeting room going through paperwork.

They had been sitting in the meeting room too, Natasha just scrolling through one of her many phones with her feet up on the table before her, a red twizzler sitting in her mouth.

"Mind taking your feet off the table?" Tony asked shortly, glaring at Natasha and the way she was sitting.

"Why?" Natasha droned, eyes slowly moving to meet Tony's.

"Uh, how 'bout because it's incredibly expensive material and I just got it professionally cleaned."

"No one asks you to get the tables professionally cleaned you bourgeoise ass," Natasha snapped back, but she put her legs down anyways, continuing to tap away on her phone.

Steve was just regarding their snapping at each other as background music, and not really paying much attention. Natasha sighed suddenly,

"I don't understand why it's so hard for these buyers to understand that I can't give them my real number. Like, am I giving mixed signals?"

Tony chortled at Natasha's demise. Steve knew Natasha was referring to the fact that she sometimes used a blocked number for business or personal reasons, and that when she used it, no one could see the number it was coming from. It was basically an encrypted phone number which Tony helped set up. Natasha was in the habit of building up a knife collection as a hobby. Whether or not she would put those knives to use was unknown, but it was something she was doing for the time being.

Steve hadn't thought much about it, but now that he was hearing Natasha actually talk about texting these people, he was starting to perk up and listen to her. Inevitably, thoughts of you started to trickle into his mind. Like, if Natasha could use her phone for personal matters such as this, there was a likelihood that Steve could maybe, just maybe, do the same thing. He knew that Natasha's personal matters weren't quite the same as his own, but it was worth a try.

"There's something about a dominant woman that men can't resist," Tony commented, and Natasha rolled her eyes.

"You'd think the fact that I'm buying knives from them would make them a little less comfortable," she grumbled, and Tony put a supportive hand on her shoulder, patting her arm.

"You could scare 'em off, don't worry."

Steve was leaning forward, listening closely to the conversation now. Natasha turned her head over to Steve with a devious smirk,

"What's up, Steve? Think you could give us some insight on this?"

She was teasing him mercilessly, alluding to that forsaken time that Steve's guilty pleasure had been broadcast on the projector during one of their meetings. That hadn't quite been forgotten yet, and still got brought up in a teasing manner, though no one could figure out why Steve became so withdrawn when it was brought up. Steve was only lucky they didn't know the full extent of his endeavors. Steve stilled slightly, but didn't retract, only replying with a stern glare at Natasha before he continued.

"You... text these buyers?"

"Yeah. I have like, a bunch of numbers on one phone, Tony hooked it up. And I have a bunch of other phones. It's kinda hard to keep track. The only people that really have my number are like, you two, and some other people here. But it's rare that we even text for, you know, personal, kinda recreational stuff. Unless Tony wants my opinion on what movie we should watch," Natasha shrugged.

"Huh," was all Steve said, but he leaned back in his chair, stroking his chin slightly in contemplation.

"By the way, why don't you ever text me? Thought we were friends, Steve," Natasha joked lightly, but Steve was already focused on furthering what was just the beginning of his idea.

"He doesn't need to text you, you routinely save each other's lives," Tony scoffed.

"Tony, mind if I talk to you about something? In private," Steve turned his head to Tony and locked eyes with him.

Tony just smiled and got up instantly,

"Steve, I never thought you'd be the one asking to step into my office."

Steve cringed, thinking back to the time when Tony had asked to step into his office and had passed on the knowledge of Girls on Film to Steve, reminiscing on Tony's immense sense of pride and his need to act as a therapist.

"We can just talk in the hallway," Steve suggested, but to no avail, Tony shaking his head and marching up to Steve, putting his arm around his shoulder.

"No, no, step into my office," Tony repeated, leading Steve to his office where he closed the door, and gestured for Steve to sit in front of the desk while Tony settled into his seat behind the desk. Once they got settled in, Tony just grinned at Steve. "So... you need something."

"It was really just a simple question, we could've even talked about it in the meeting room," Steve started to stammer, feeling a little less confident in his decision to try to talk to you on a personal level.

When he'd heard Natasha talking about how she was able to text personally through a blocked number, he started to think of you and the conversation you'd had about texting him. Snapchat had ended up being the compromise for the two of you, but Steve was beginning to think texting might be better. He loved seeing your life on Snapchat, but social media could only be so real. And Steve wanted to be able to call you and FaceTime you. He could do all those things on Girls on Film, but he was taking a break from that. Besides, it wouldn't really be a friendship if he had to pay you to talk to you.

"Well, you're here now. Let it loose," Tony shrugged, and Steve nodded.

"I was just wondering exactly how Nat's able to text people personally without them seeing her number. I know you're kinda the one in charge of all our technology, and hell if I know how to do it myself."

"Done. I can walk you through it."

"Oh, really. Just- just like that?" Steve sat up, starting to get a little excited thinking of the now possibilities.

Tony shrugged, as if it were quite simple,

"Pretty much. You seem excited." Tony started to sound like he was catching in, leaning back in his chair and resting his chin on his palm, raising an inquiring brow. "Wanna talk to someone special?"

"Special?" Steve nearly choked on his own words, shaking his head and lowering it, not wanting to make eye contact with Tony. "No, no... nothing like that."

He laughed nervously, both because he was a bit of a newbie when it came to lying, and because he was thinking of you, which already made him appear a little dopey. He tried to control it, but in reality, thinking of you actually made him smile. It was confusing - he hadn't felt that way before, and he definitely didn't expect it from himself. He was serious, deep into his work. And you weren't distracting him from his work, but you were making his days just a bit brighter.

And it was something that puzzled him, delightfully. It was why he knew he had to dig deeper, not recoil and be concerned. The confusion was actually pleasant to work through. It helped him sort through his feelings, because the confusion only uncoiled to show his true feelings of desire. He figured maybe the confusion just stemmed from the fact that he never allowed himself to give into these kinds of feelings. So he didn't understand them, not quite yet.

He just knew there had to be a reason that this situation felt so unique. If he didn't give into his feelings until now, there had to be something there. It told him that he should get to know you on that level. It gave him that push to finally test out the waters. Steve Rogers, actually catching romantic feelings - it didn't even sound right, yet it was exactly what was happening. Everyday, he seemed to go even deeper.

"Special lady?" Tony guessed, making Steve compose himself and look up, folding his arms, crossing his legs and looking dead ahead at Tony.

He shook his head and sniffled slightly, eyes breaking away from Tony as he started to lie again, this time as best as he could,

"No."

"You sure about that, Cap?" Tony began to pry, one raised eyebrow at a time. "I mean, there's gotta be a reason you've been all... cute lately."

"Cute?" Steve scoffed, furrowing his brows and looking at Tony.

Steve wasn't exactly nervous to be having this conversation, but it wasn't exactly something he wanted to entertain with Tony. Again, he was keeping you, your relationship, private. Not secret, but private. Nobody else needed to know what Steve had been getting down to, and he didn't want them knowing the specifics of it - not because he was afraid of the fact that you were a sex worker or that you were younger, but because it would be best if he didn't have to explain himself and just how he'd gotten to meet you.

It wasn't like he was forbidden from seeing anyone, in fact it was encouraged by almost everyone that Steve knew. He just figured there might be more hubbub if he had to explain that he hadn't actually met you in real life - he didn't want his team doubting the security of the relationship you two had, or passing along premature judgments. Besides, he wasn't even fully sure himself. He was really only just now looking into the idea. He didn't want everyone in on it before he even solidified anything.

Tony rolled his eyes, waving his hand dismissively,

"You know what I mean. You've been all, you know, nice again. What's goin' on champ, you can talk to me. Who's the girl?"

Steve shook his head. Surely people had noticed his shift in character yet again, and it was becoming more prominent everyday. Tony would be the first to meddle, try to figure out why. No one knew why he'd been so moody the past few months, or why his moods would suddenly change positively. And he wasn't wrong, it was a girl. But Steve wasn't ready yet. He shook his head, denying it one last time before getting up out of his chair,

"It's nothing like that. I do want that blocked number, though."

"Easy."

| | |

Tony tried to pry again later on when he showed Steve how to use his phone to block out his own number, but Steve didn't give in, he just took the phone back and closed the door to his room, logging on to Snapchat so he could talk to you.

You replied to him quickly, his name popping up on your screen. It was funny, you went through so many names for him on Snapchat (cap, captain, Mr. America, even Mr. Rogers), but you decided to keep it simple. Like Steve, you were also keeping this private - who would you tell besides Aaliyah anyways?

It would be wise for you to keep it private, and that's what you were doing. That's why his name on your Snapchat was just: "Steve ❤️ 💙" followed by a red and blue heart. Although, true to his nature, his username was: "SG.R0818", a username he practically randomized in order to stay incognito.

He was glad you responded fast, from that moment and onward. Even though the both of you talked to each other on the app, you each had busy schedules and different time zones. So sometimes responses were a bit laggy. Still, your conversations always felt right.

Steve ❤️ 💙 Hey, I've got something I wanted to talk to you about.

YN ♡ shoot!

Steve ❤️ 💙 I was thinking about what you said, about texting each other.

YN yeah... are you tryna say something stevie?

Steve's upper lip curved up at the nickname. You didn't know it, or maybe you pretended not to, but it spurred something inside of him when you used any kind of nickname on him. It was just in your naturally flirty demeanor to do so, and maybe this was how you showed Steve that you saw the romantic potential as well. You both obviously did like each other as more than friends, but neither of you had really acted on that yet, and that was fine with you. Just hinting at it, slightly, and being friends, was enough. You didn't think it was that serious.

Steve ❤️ 💙 I decided that I think it would be nice for us to try to text each other. I like Snapchat, but texting is a little easier. We could FaceTime and call each other if you want. I just think it might be a little more real - well, as real as it can get over the phone.

If that's something you're comfortable with. My number would be blocked out, but you'll know it's me.

It was a good thing that Steve couldn't hear you, because you kind of made a weird squealing noise, and threw your hand over your mouth, eyes widened. You were used to talking to him by now, but it was still quite exciting to know who you were talking to. And the idea of actually texting him, and maybe even calling him and getting to see his face outside of your cam website? It excited you.

And it made you happy to think that he really wanted this friendship to go somewhere. You didn't know the full extent of what he wanted to do just yet, but you were glad to see that he was trying, and that he actually enjoyed talking to you enough to want to text and call you regularly. So you steadied your fingers before you typed back, hoping to show your enthusiasm through a simple Snapchat.

YN i'd love to! i'm so glad it's something you've been thinking about. i agree, it feels better to text sometimes. and it'll feel even more normal, i guess. here, i'll give you my number so you can text me.

And from that moment on, Steve was in. He was almost giddy saving your number as a contact. For him, for the both of you, this was another step forward in your relationship. It felt like you were slowly trusting each other more and more. You had already knocked down a major wall just by talking to each other after the reveal to begin with, and by having the reveal in the first place.

So, he was glad that this was coming into fruition. He was satisfied with this. For now. For your name, he typed in your real first name, because that was how he knew you now. And your real name would stand out less if anyone got ahold of his phone messages somehow. He started out by sending a simple text, saying hello and making sure you knew it was him. And even though his number was blocked out, it was clear as day. You were both glad to have moved on to this, to have so many forms of communication between the two of you. It didn't seem like a big deal, but considering your situation, it kind of was. The littlest steps made the room shake.

✺ ✺ ✺

The days seemed to flow by at this point. Like, you felt like getting through life was a breeze. No unexpected storm to knock you off your smooth sailing course to greatness. You were truly moving up, on and out. You felt like now, after all the time you took for yourself to heal, all the time you spent in a sort of neutral state - not going out much, staying to yourself - you could really celebrate.

Even though you were growing all through that neutral state, you felt like now you could finally see through all the fog that had gathered. All the uncertainty that had followed you along your path was nonexistent. You were just glad that you were back on your feet again and feeling like you could take on more new things.

Now that you were nearing graduation, you were really just focusing on final projects and exams schoolwise. For yourself, you were starting work on your online clothing store and camming even more. And you were enjoying your life, being a normal college student, who had Steve Rogers' number. Maybe you didn't actually have his number, but that was how you were choosing to describe it. If you didn't have the discipline that you had, you would be telling everyone about this. But you weren't stupid, so you kept it all to yourself.

You and Steve often talked late into the night, or at random times during the day. Towards nighttime, your conversations often became a bit deeper, the kind of conversation that would've scared Steve off a while ago. But he was becoming more comfortable with you, and you could tell. You were moving slowly so as to be careful, but you didn't feel like you had to. You just figured it would be wise. But these deep conversations touched on the topics that you hadn't been able to get into that time when Steve left so abruptly.

When the stars were peering into your bedroom window late at night, that was when you opened up about your past love life. He listened to you talk about your ex, give all the details about it, and he listened to you talk about how much healing it took you to get out of the nasty habits that had developed all through your life, but especially when you were with your ex. How you learned to be more independent, how you learned not that you couldn't trust, but that you had to be mindful about your relationships. You had always been driven, but especially after that mess of a situation.

Your whole life you'd been surrounded by this sense of needing more in some way. Your parents were loving, but they didn't always show it - they supported you mostly, but there was no way you could really show them who you were, not entirely. There was always this air of dismissiveness that came from them, and you had never been close to either of them, not the way other kids were.

So you knew what it was like to be grasping for something, anything. You just wanted love in its unconditional form, you wanted a life that wasn't hindered by those around you.

Sometimes this made your life even harder, because you found yourself doing things for people who didn't deserve it, hoping that they might see how much you were willing to do for them and maybe even reciprocate. But these days, your want, your human need for love and emotional support just pushed you further, blocked out the people who you didn't really need, and attracted you to the lifestyle that you deserved. And you turned out alright, but it took a lot to keep going. You buried yourself in work which you genuinely enjoyed. You tried new things, you moved out on your own, you created your own sturdy relationships. You knew how to make a pathway out of a rocky road. You were just glad that you felt like you were gliding through your life nowadays, and that the ship was sailing smoothly.

Steve was one of the people who you felt like the universe had somehow brought to you for a positive reason. A strange and random decision, but positive, nonetheless. You thought of how odd the circumstance was and you figured, it must have been destined. You were glad to be having these kinds of conversations with him.

And you were also glad that you had the beach. California wasn't California without its lustrous, beautiful, palm tree filled beaches. You were on your way to one with a few friends right now, on a weekend with no classes, celebrating after an intense study week, preparing for finals. The radio was blaring, the windows turned down, the warm and salty sea breeze blowing in through the open windows.

Around you was sort of this happy blur. You absorbed it, being jostled around by your friends dancing beside you, Aaliyah right by your side. You were laughing and smiling, a bottle of Capriccio's Sangria to your lips, babbling along to the song on the radio.

"Y'all are way too hype right now," your friend Violet joked from the front passenger seat, sat next to her boyfriend Luke, who was the designated driver.

She was met with a chorus of voices singing along to the radio song, and just rolled her eyes playfully, laughing. It felt good to finally be celebrating, especially since you'd been very focused on school for the past week. The beach was one of your favorite places to be - you felt so much at home. You grew up surfing all through middle school and high school, and this area was quite popular for surfboarding, so you were giddy at the thought of that. The beach felt like home to you, a California native.

Sure, it wasn't all sunshine and ocean waves, but you were pretty much the epitome of a California girl, and proud. So for you, it was a lot of sunshine and ocean waves. You felt a strong connection to this place, but you were always willing to explore. It was why you were so attached to traveling and hiking.

"YN, you look literally so pretty today," your friend Cameron complimented you as you held up your phone, taking a very impromptu selfie.

Your closed, glossy lips were turned up in a smile, your cheeks full and eyes slightly glazed over from the combination of a shared joint and the liquor you'd been drinking on the way.

"Cam," you pouted, leaning over and kissing their cheek. "You're literally so pretty, everyday."

You cooed over each other while you pressed send on your selfie, sending it to Steve on Snapchat with no caption.

"Girl, who are you sending that to?" Aaliyah grinned devilishly, peeking over your shoulder as she caught your screen out of the corner of her eye.

Before she could see, you shut off the phone and narrowed your eyes at her playfully, poking your tongue out at her,

"Nobody!"

She smiled but didn't seem fully convinced, pointing at you,

"It better be me. I need a new lock screen."

"Oh, you flatter me," you teased, smiling and sitting back, laying your head on Aaliyah's shoulder and your legs across Cameron's lap, sitting in this blurry, noted happiness.

You weren't thinking, you were just living in the moment, enjoying the smell of the ocean waves as you drifted closer to the scorching shore, focusing on the light scratch of acrylic nails massaging your scalp, the touch of a friend's arm resting over your bare legs, clad in shorts with a bikini bottom underneath, and a discarded shirt tied around your waist as you lay in your bikini top. You didn't know how your mindless selfie would inspire a confession.

✺ ✺ ✺

"Finally, you dweebs chose a movie," Nat grunted as she sat down in between Steve and Sam, sprawling out and kicking her legs up on Sam's lap.

"Not sure when I became your body pillow," Sam made a face at Nat, but he made no effort to push her away, his comment only making Tony scoff,

"You're saying you wouldn't want that?"

"Don't be a perv, Tony," Wanda reprimanded him, and he made a face, feigning innocence,

"What? Is it so wrong to cuddle with a friend?"

"I'm not understanding," Vision commented.

"Can we just start the movie?" Bucky whined through his laughter.

Steve was entertained by the conversation, but he had other things on his mind. Well, really just you. Steve thought about you everyday. You came across his mind whether he meant for you to or not. Sometimes he saw something and thought of you, because he was learning something new about you everyday, ever since adding you on Snapchat. He learned these little things about you through your Snapchat stories, and you'd been texting each other every day since he got your number.

He also learned things about you that weren't so little, and whenever you shared those things about yourself, he made sure to pay attention. When you shared these things with Steve, he found himself being mindful of what he said and how he replied - mindful instead of careful or hesitant. He was learning to absorb your words and turn them over in his mind. He was making an effort to try and understand you in the things you said that exposed your little quirks, your core beliefs, your history.

He appreciated how open you were being with him, and he understood how he had a responsibility, being who he was, to keep you feeling secure enough to share these things, to constantly make it clear that he understood, or at the very least, that he was listening. He just wished he had more time to flesh it out, to talk these things out over the phone instead of over text, or even in person, something that he knew wouldn't be possible.

And even though he felt so much closer now that he had your number, he couldn't help the small tugging inside of him that told him he'd be wanting more- and he couldn't figure out what "more" would look like for the life of him. You were so beautiful, it was overwhelming, and you gave Steve constant reminders of your beauty in every text, every goodnight selfie, every story you shared. Everyday he was falling harder for your beauty, inside and out.

It was lighthearted still. It didn't feel serious because the idea didn't make him feel unsettled, it didn't make him recoil in fear. But it had the potential to be serious, without all the negative dread that usually came with realizations such as this. He was just flirting with the idea of forging this romantic connection with you, but this tugging in him was now asking him when? When would he tell you how he felt, when would it get to the point where he needed to tell you? For now, Steve was just living through it, letting himself be free and happy in the moment.

He was satisfied with what he had now, when it came to you. He'd already taken the next step by getting your number and finding out even more ways to communicate with you outside of the site. He didn't want to feel ungrateful for wanting even more, for even entertaining the idea of telling you how he was feeling, especially when it wasn't anything deadly serious yet.

He knew he liked you, the fact was clear as day. He knew the way he liked you had the potential to be romantic, otherwise he wouldn't be thinking about you this often, and he wouldn't be seeing you in such a beautiful light. He felt lighter on his feet any time you came into his mind, and in his mind, there was a golden aura around you, around everything you did.

The fact that he saw you in this way made him think hard. Would he feel even more than he was feeling? Would it become enough that he would have to tell you? And he wondered, if, and only if, he did announce it - when would that point come? He was in a daze, leaning back on the couch, his phone in his hand while he waited for the movie to start up.

"What are we watching, again?" Nat called out, cupping her hands over her mouth.

"Star Wars: A New Hope," Tony smirked, satisfied with the movie choice.

"Is that the one with the dog monster?" Rhodey made a face, shaking his head slowly. "Not a huge fan."

"Pretty sure his name is Chewbacca," Bucky corrected Rhodey, and Sam cackled, clapping in satisfaction.

"The senile knows more about one of the most iconic movie franchises than you," he teased. "How does that work?"

Steve just shook his head and smiled, turning his head to Bucky who was talking to him,

"You ever seen Star Wars?"

"No, but I'm pretty sure Sam recommended it," Steve smiled lazily.

He hadn't quite updated Bucky on his status with you, but they had talked about it briefly since the time Bucky had given Steve the advice that helped push him to talk to you again. Steve was purposefully very vague during the talk with his best friend, but he made it clear that things were patched up. Bucky probably could've figured it out before anyone else, could've made the connection between Steve and Moonrose first, because Steve had given him the most information about it.

"It's pretty good, I've seen the prequels - that guy Darth Vader, he was actually pretty hot before he turned. You'll see, we should watch all the movies together," Bucky explained simply and carefully, as if it were common knowledge to him.

Steve was laughing, shaking his head.

"Sure pal," he was beginning to say, before he diverted his attention to his phone as a notification lit up his screen. It read: Snapchat: YN. His eyes lit up, and he tried to hide his excited reaction as he opened the picture from you. And when he did, he wasn't ready for what he was seeing.

You sent Steve a lot of pictures, and he thought you were gorgeous in all of them, even the ones with the filters that made your face look all distorted. But something was different about this picture, the vibes it gave off. He felt the same way he felt when he would watch your shows - like he was there with you, because he could feel your happiness emanating through the screen.

He felt like if he looked at it long enough, he might be there with you. And everything about this picture was glowing, especially you - it screamed young, college girl having the time of her life, and that made him feel so happy for you.

And it also stirred a feeling in him, something that hadn't been awoken for a long time.

Upon viewing the image, he immediately cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably because of the growing tent in his pants, trying to hide his phone screen so no one would look.

The picture was so simple. You were in a car, sun shining through the windows, the light hitting you just right, and you were smiling. But Steve was hyperfocused on the way you had obviously been basking in the sun, the glow clear on your face. Your skin was dewy and fresh, and your lips were sheen in a pink gloss that only called more attention to them. Your hair seemed wild around your shoulders, but it only made you look more appealing, more free spirited.

And again, you'd sent him so many pictures like this, but for some reason, this photo in particular was somehow arousing everything in him. You were so beautiful it hurt- he felt a pang in his chest, and the sudden growth in his pants didn't assist with the pain.

Your eyes, though vibrant and youthful, were glazed over, and all Steve could think of was how they looked when you blinked away tears after an intense orgasm. He thought about your soft, luscious lips against him, but this time he was thinking about what it might be like to kiss your lips, tainted with red.

And to add insult to injury, you were wearing a tight bikini top, and the picture cut off just where your breasts started to show, peeking out through the white fabric, the thin white strings against your sun kissed shoulders holding them up - just barely. He felt so fucking stupid. Like he shouldn't be feeling so much because of a simple image. But whatever was happening, this picture was stirring up something inside of him that he couldn't ignore. This had to be taken care of.

He sat up immediately, trying to use his shirt to cover his boner, feeling juvenile and lightheaded, even a little giggly.

"You okay?" Bucky asked, glaring up at Steve in concern - he'd been talking, but Steve seemed distracted suddenly.

"Mhm," was all Steve could strain out from his throat.

"What the hell, Steve? I'm about to show you one of my very favorite films and this is the reception I receive?" Tony barked, offended.

"I've been telling you, that superserum is wearing off," Sam joked, something him and Tony loved to say when Steve acted out of character - like the times when Steve got caught smiling for no reason - or just whenever Steve annoyed Tony.

"I- just- I'll be right back," Steve stammered, flustered, then he carefully walked out of the theater room and out of sight.

It had been over a month since Steve had left and came back to you. In that period of time, he had been gloomy, neutral, then back to being light on his feet again, one after the other. And he hadn't viewed any of your content since then. A few times he tried to get himself off, but it was worth nothing. He could barely guide himself, and he didn't want anybody else to assist him the way you had, it was one of the things that made you so special.

So his attempts to satiate his pleasure came in the form of witless, rough jerks that didn't even get him anywhere near that point. And each time, he was back to thinking about you, but the thoughts could only get him so far.

But now that you were friends again, Steve didn't let himself think of you in that way. Or, he tried not to. But this picture, for some reason, just reversed everything he was trying to avoid. He tried to understand his reaction in the short amount of time that he quickly walked to his room, trying and failing to ignore the stone hard bulge hanging in his loose grey joggers.

Thinking, as straight as he could, he figured that his senses were overrun from thinking of how much he might like you and then having to see such a vivacious picture from you. It felt like a sign that it was time to finally fulfill the pleasure he'd been putting off. It was too much for him to handle- your beauty, the domesticity of the happy picture, in combination with his doting thoughts of you. And maybe he'd already been a little distracted to begin with, needing some form of release. It had been a very long time since he'd allowed that for himself.

"Calm down, Steve," he muttered to himself, forcing a smile at Pepper, who was walking past him.

He finally got to his room and closed the door behind him, falling back onto his bed immediately. As he fiddled with the drawstrings on his sweatpants, he brought his phone up to make sure the image of you was still there. When he saw it still there on his screen, he sighed in dismay, thinking of what he was doing.

He was almost embarrassed that you brought him to that point without even trying, arching his back off the bed to remove his sweats fully. He brushed it off and breathed out, eyes honing in on the image as he began to palm himself over his boxers. He groaned, feeling a sense of sweet relief already, just from his hands gently palming himself.

He briefly thought back to the times when he had tried to get off by himself, tugging to no avail. This wouldn't be like those times. This would be gentle, and he already knew, by the burning feeling in his stomach, that it would bring him pleasure. He dipped his hand inside of his boxers, carefully guiding himself out. His hard length fell hard against his stomach and he grunted from his throat, his jaw ticking as he took himself in his hand and began to stroke slowly, breathing heavily through his nose like a routine.

He was looking at the picture of you, but his mind began to wander to other things- flashbacks of you helping him get to that point through the screen, a sensation neither of you had experienced in quite a long time.

"Fuck," he practically whimpered, the words spilling out of his throat so uncontrollably as he choked them out.

He was missing those times dearly. As much as he was able to view you as a friend, nothing would compare to the way you made him feel. He didn't have you here to guide him at the moment, and for good reason - he didn't want you to, not now. You were trying to be friends for the time being, retain some sense of normalcy.

But, if you were there to guide him, he wouldn't complain. And even in this moment which was so unholy, he felt delicate, the light of the spring sunshine streaming through the window blinds and curtains, splayed across his room, painting the light blue walls with a sheen of pale yellow.

At some point, he really wasn't even looking at the photo anymore, just focusing on the sensations and the visions of you that his mind made up. His eyes were closed, head to the side, his arm against his forehead. In his ears he heard your voice gasping out his name while you came, in his mind he pictured your slick pooling out of you as you finally removed your fingers, breathing heavily from an orgasm. Sure, you had been performing for him, but that didn't mean it wasn't truth. The sounds and images he imagined made him stroke himself quicker, pumping harder and faster than the slow, delicate strokes he'd started with. He tried to calm himself down, but the pleasure was unbeatable. He switched from those fast tempo strokes to the gentle strokes that felt so tantalizing. Your voice was fresh in his mind - but it wasn't all devilish. It came in your laughter, the sound of your voice as you sang along to a song on the radio and posted it on your story. Then it came with deep bass, the sound of you urging him to come, pleading him to come with you.

The image of your eyes was prominent in his mind, coming in waves. Sometimes they came in strong, fierce tides as he pictured your eyes, staring into the computer screen while you wrapped your lips around a toy that you used to substitute for him, because he couldn't be there, but it felt so much like he was. Then sometimes they came in undulating, passionate waves as he pictured the crinkles that formed around your eyes when you smiled, the way you batted your lashes on screen.

It was strange to have such fluctuating thoughts of you, ranging from filthy to innocent. Usually the thoughts when he was getting off were just filthy. This was new, and it seemed to pleasure him even more just to think of your smile, your innocent eyes. What was going on? He couldn't quite figure it out, nor did he care to in the moment. The thought of you, Moonrose, YN, and he came undone.

He came groaning and panting heavily, weeks of unmet release painting his stomach and legs. His chest trembled as he took one last breath, took his hand off his eyes, and peeked out the window blinds at the dazzling, bright city just outside. He cleaned up silently, not thinking much because his mind was too excited to let him think.

And there were so many questions that lay unanswered: "why was he able to get himself to that point just by the thought of you?" "why had the thoughts been so strangely innocent and new?" And most of all, why did he even feel this way because of you?

Then once he was all cleaned up, changing boxers in the bathroom, he took a good look at himself in the mirror, and the clarity hit. Firstly, he realized of course, he had to tell you. It wasn't like Steve to behave this way so suddenly and he felt like it was something he had to tell you. He hoped he wasn't being disrespectful, hoped what he had done wasn't weird. But he didn't let himself worry about that too much.

But not only did he have to tell you what he'd done, he realized he had to tell you how he felt. He had been wondering if it would get to the point that he would feel strongly enough about you that he had to tell you, and this incident seemed to be proof enough.

All his sudden arousal, while valid and likely rooted in a need to get himself off, just meant one thing. He wasn't just frustrated sexually. His senses were running amok because he knew he liked you, and yet he wasn't expressing that fully. And maybe this release was what he needed to realize that. The feelings were only getting stronger and stronger with no real output. They made him happy, nearly giddy with excitement, but with nowhere to store it. He could have a crush and keep it that way, but Steve liked to find solutions. If he wasn't serious about you, maybe he'd keep it that way, with no outputs and no solutions.

He was keeping something to himself, and it wasn't fair to him, nor was it fair to you. He felt so unhinged now because he wasn't realizing that yes, there would be a point when he had to tell you how he he felt. All of that frustration was built up tension physically and emotionally, just boiling inside of him.

All of the excitement, confusion, and intrigue he felt towards the prospect of maybe liking you romantically, of taking that step to a real relationship, had boiled over. He wasn't realizing that he had to tell you sooner than later. This was more than just a release. It was more like an epiphany.

And while the realization may have been sudden, he had done his thinking long and hard, even before he started talking to you like this. He could wait and milk over it for a little while longer, or he could tell you, and soon. But even though he knew he had to tell you, he had to choose the right moment. At least now he knew he had to tell you at all, instead of spending too much time wondering whether he even should, wondering if what he was feeling was real.

Maybe it would be different if he got off to you and it was purely sexual. But this was more than that. He was genuinely overwhelmed by your beauty, inside and out. The thought of that was what brought him to orgasm. All those lighthearted, innocent thoughts of you made Steve feel so strongly, in both a physical and emotional sense.

It was why he'd had an emotional response to the picture first, then a physical response. He thought of all the times he'd looked at pictures you sent with a smile, and felt genuine happiness bubbling up inside of him. No one else did that to him.

If what had just happened said anything, it said that his feelings for you were real, they weren't just born out of naivety or because of the fact that Steve had never felt something like this before. It wasn't just about the sexual gratification or the physical, it was about why he felt so strongly towards you at all. If he could stir up these kinds of emotions, this kind of confusion, just by thinking about you, just by looking at you? He'd be surprised if it was all for naught.

✺ ✺ ✺

You were surprised when Steve asked to FaceTime you that weekend. You were clueless about the events and feelings that had spiraled for Steve since you sent that picture, and thus curious to see what he was going to talk to you about. It had been a little over two weeks since you'd started talking to Steve ever since he showed you who he was, and you were so comfortable with each other already.

Steve gave himself some time before he decided it was time to tell you. He knew he had to, but he was giving himself time to think it out, to decide whether or not this was really of the importance that he was holding it to, to decide, and really decide, if it would just be getting in the way of a good thing. But after much contemplation, he knew it wasn't a waste, especially because he didn't feel sick when he thought about it - aside from the butterflies.

You on the other hand, were clueless. But you were excited. He was so formal and so busy that he scheduled a call. He also kept your schedule in mind. You had just finished finals and you were about to close up with school, a fact which you kept forgetting and surprising yourself with when you remembered. So, mindful of that and mindful of his own schedule, Steve made sure the time would be good for the both of you.

And when the time came, you were excited. You hadn't heard Steve's voice conversationally in a long time, because texts and Snapchat weren't really built for that. And whatever it was he wanted to talk about, you were excited to hear, and you were glad that he was the one initiating these things all the time.

It made you feel like he really put effort into the friendship you were building, curating slowly like a sacred collection in a language only the two of you knew. You felt so close to him in such a short amount of time, but it made sense because you had known him for a long time - but you were only just now getting to know him.

You got all cute for the call, because why wouldn't you? You were attracted to Steve and you couldn't lie and say that you didn't feel all girly at the thought of getting even closer to him, being more than friends. Like a little crush was budding, but it was playful and innocent. You felt like he was such a good example of the perfect man, and you were so glad to call yourself your friend. In Steve's eyes, it wouldn't take much effort for you to look pretty anyway, but you got all dolled up because you wanted to.

You were wearing a simple white dress that you made, and you put on just a pinch of makeup. You were sitting on top of your kitchen counter by the window, sunlight and a nice breeze trickling through your apartment when the call came in. It felt surreal to see his name on the screen each time, no matter how used to him you became.

"Steve!" you exclaimed as soon as you picked up the call.

Finally you could see him face to face through the screen again. It reminded you of your times together on Girls on Film, but the circumstances were much, much different.

Steve, once again, was struck with your beauty, and he felt his knees go weak just at the sound of your voice. This was no mistake.

"Hey," he grinned, genuinely from ear to ear.

You both wanted to bask in the moment, talking to each other live, after quite some time. Steve wasn't showing it now, but he was nervous. Again that just told him he was making the right decision in telling you this. He was getting worked up over what to say to you, and you seemed so calm and control. Unbeknownst to him, you were also a little jittery, all for good reasons. It was just so exciting and nerve wracking to truly see him and hear his voice again, to truly talk to him.

"You look so beautiful," he complimented you, his voice going a bit deeper, his eyes glistening as he took you in. You were basking in the sun, the sun's rays seemed to want to be around you, you drew them towards you.

You blushed and smiled,

"Thank you! You look really nice too."

You giggled, becoming bashful as he smiled gently, and he continued,

"How have you been? Finals over yet?"

"Yeah, I just finished. It's weird, there's really not much else to do. We have one more week of classes to kind of just wrap everything up, but it's pretty much done," saying it out loud made you think of it again, gave you that weird feeling that everything really was about to be over. You would graduate in a few weeks, and start your life.

It was crazy, four years had gone by so fast, but they had been so lovely. Your college experience was the most formative part of your life. You'd moved on from your life at home, gotten out of an abusive relationship, met your closest friends and gotten even closer to your best friend, started a brand, got your own apartment. started camming. You had really found your life. And you found Steve. It was crazy to think of, that in just a few weeks, that experience would be over with.

"You okay?" Steve chuckled, because he noticed the deep sigh that you let out as you thought about it all. You were of course glad to move on with your life, but it made you think.

You laughed too, shaking your head,

"Yeah, sorry."

"Don't be. What's on your mind?" he asked, leaning into the camera, making you feel like he was there with you.

You grinned, glad that you could talk about this in such a way, without feeling the need to break down or be upset. You were simply moving on to the next stage in your life, and you couldn't be more excited.

"I guess I'm just thinking of how crazy it is that I'm finally going to be finished with college. Like, I'm not going to any more school after this. When you've been in school your whole life, it's..."

"I get it. It's like coming to something you're not used to, but it's just normalcy."

"Yeah," you shrugged. "You know that better than anyone else, I bet."

Steve laughed - it was true. He had to get used to things that everyone else found normal. He felt so out of place. These days he was getting used to it all, but certain things still surprised him or made him think he didn't completely fit in. It was part of the reason he hadn't given in to what he wanted with you, not completely, at least.

Because if he didn't fit in to the world around him, he figured he wasn't ready for a relationship. But maybe that was just what he needed to fit in better, to get along better. It wasn't fair to him to resist something he truly wanted because he felt like he didn't fit in. It was silly.

"It comes and goes. But hey, I'm glad we're talking."

"Yeah, me too," you smiled, and you bit down gently on your lip, furrowing your brows together out of curiosity. "Hey, you said you wanted to talk about something?"

You watched as Steve seemed to brace himself, but you couldn't even begin to imagine the amount of thoughts swarming his mind right now. He was nervous for good reason. He had never expressed romantic feelings for someone before, which was also a reason that he took so long to give in, took so long to realize it was time to express those feelings. He felt innocent and small, almost timid. He had spent so long formulating his thoughts and what he would tell you, exactly how he would announce these feelings for you.

"Yeah, I uh..." Steve folded his hands and just let himself try to focus and calm himself down. It worked, and he relaxed, enough to actually speak at least. "Listen, I've been thinking about this since we started talking. I think maybe I've always known it, but I'm only just realizing I should tell you about it."

"Yeah?" you prodded him, getting a little nervous yourself, only because the last time Steve got into a speech like this, you found out that he was Captain America. You wondered what else he could possibly have up his sleeve.

"Well, I should tell you that I've always resisted when it comes to you... to this. And I want you to know why. I think I just haven't felt this way for someone in a very long time, and it's never been like this. And I was afraid because we didn't know each other and being the person that I am, I just felt like I wasn't allowed to feel the way I was feeling. Like I shouldn't, like it might be dangerous or like I couldn't trust you fully. It's why I left. It's why I took so long to realize this."

Your cheeks were heating up the more he spoke, your mind buzzing with ideas. You wondered exactly what he was getting to, but for some reason the butterflies in your stomach grew stronger. You started to stammer, wanting him to get to the point,

"Steve, I-"

"I'm getting there, just..." he took in a deep breath. It was time to finally say it. He was trying to explain himself, but started stumbling on his words. "It's um... it's hard for me to say things like this. I-I guess I never really have. I just- I... I... sorry, I'm—"

Steve pinched his eyes with his fingers, shaking his head. It was endearing how it was hard for him to spit the words out- Captain America, stumbling over his words while he spoke to you.

"Take your time," you giggled a bit, and the calm of your voice brought Steve back down to earth.

"Gee, I guess I'm not that great with words. What I'm trying to say is — I like you. And I don't just like you, I mean, I have feelings for you. And I know we're trying to be friends and I'm happy with that, being your friend has been an honor to me. We've created a connection that is completely new to me— I've never known somebody the way I know you. But, I think... I think there's more there. I think that we both know that there could be more there. I don't know what that looks like, or if telling you will really change anything, considering our situation. But I see you as more than a friend. And it's about time I told you."

Steve looked up, catching your reaction just in time. And to his relief, he felt confident in his confession. He didn't regret it, there was no reason to hide away, to cloak himself in fear. Yeah. It was about time he told you.

#steve rogers #steve rogers reader insert #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers x y/n #steve rogers series #girls on film #orbitariums #smut #captain america #captain america x reader #captain america imagine #marvel series #marvel #marvel smut #marvel imagine #captain america series

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dis--parity · 4 years ago

Text

wait, what?

Summary: Meanwhile, somewhere in France... Trigger warnings: Alcohol mention Author’s notes: A small bonus development, as a treat...

“Mitch! Mitch! Allez!”

With a few gentle smacks to his own tummy, so easily does the small King Charles spaniel obey his master’s command - the jangling of his collar speeding up as he makes the leap onto his chest, quickly settling into the softness of his green sweater.

Only then does a pale hand defer from the empty lager bottle - dropping it gracelessly to the floor to rest instead on the white-and-brown fur of his canine companion. The thud draws the dog’s attention for but a moment - and perhaps the boy would have preferred it if everyone were to act like his favourite companion, ignoring everything that ultimately proved to be of no consequence to their life.

If only his housemate would have that kind of patience - or ignorance. But Charlie has never been either of those things, tragically.

“Dammit, Aubrey. How many times?”, the taller redhead grumbled as he picked up the bottle - once more earning an indignant look from the shorter boy - thick black hair wobbling as his gaze tilted up. “You know I’m not gonna clean up after your shit, Aubs. Why are you even drinking? It’s 10 in the morning, you need to get something to eat!”

“Mange ma bite, putain...”, spat Aubrey - though still would there remain a playful tone to his voice. He’s still in a good mood, with his dog on his lap - even if the life he lives in his own definition of luxury is anything but.

Charlie grumbles as he opens the pantry - though, why should he defer to being his own housemate’s personal servant to make up for his laziness? He deserves a bowl of cereal for himself, for once. So, that’s exactly what he gets for himself. He even treats himself to some of Aubrey’s oat milk, the cheeky bugger!

Now, that gets his attention.

“Rien pour moi?”, Aubrey protested with a huff. “Pourquoi?” “Get it yourself.”, Charlie huffed rather bluntly. “If nothing else then to get you off that fuckin’ couch.”

“Ugh... putain...” He concedes after a moment, allowing his faithful companion to hop off his chest and follow him to the table. Victorious, Charlie seeks instead to busy himself with his work, tapping away at his laptop - but his peace hardly lasts long before he’s barraged with the next question from the pale-looking boy.

“Why you do this? Why you try and make things difficult here?”, he huffs - a weak argument, of course, for it’s one he knows the retort of before Charlie even speaks.

“You never take responsibility, Aubs. For anything, except your dog. Even then, you never got yourself that animal shelter job you said you would-” “I get rejected from it!” “- for alcoholism, Aubrey! If you just took control for once in your life, you wouldn’t have to be couch surfing ‘til you ended up here.” He groans, tapping at the touchpad of his laptop, furrowed brow surely enough showing his frustration.

“... you wouldn’t be here if you just called your mom. Reached out, somehow.” “You... you know is not this easy. She kick me out for a reason, no? Even if I want to, her phone number is delete from mine.” “Then try social media! Anything! Look- I’ll do it right now.!”

“Putain de merde, don’t-” But his protests fall on deaf ears. He can only turn away in scorn as Charlie searches up his mother’s name - one he’s become familiar with from past visits, anyway - into the very site he reckoned she would be. And, lo and behold, without Aubrey to witness it, the profile appears.

“Fuckin’ A. Just like that, I’ve got your mom’s profile.” A quick scroll down as Aubrey huffs, walks away with his bowl - yep, that’s his mom! And she’s been posting recently... who’s this? “And look at that - I’ve got your sister’s profile, too.”

Aubrey freezes.

At last, he turns back - dull brown eyes widening at the idea - though, he’s less shocked and more... confused.

“... wait, what?” “Your sister.”, Charlie repeats - scanning through the profile, with a name so, so unbearably long... but, sure enough, it matches. She’s family. “Alexandra... yada yada Iskra Cloutier. Your sister.”

No way.

Aubrey speeds over to the screen - almost knocking his own bowl over in the process. He couldn’t believe it. This was impossible, yet now, he saw it with his own eyes. His chest floated, somewhere between rising in elation and sinking in realisation - and his eyes scanned the page to check out everything for himself.

Mutual friends with Janella Iskra Cloutier.

His mouth lingers ajar - speechless, the haze of alcohol no longer an impediment to his thoughts at all - but he speaks, astonished, at the revelation, almost feeling his pale, bony hands shake at the name itself.

Alexandra Cloutier. Alexandra Cloutier.

“... I have a sister?!”

#Drabbles;;#Event;;#Guest muse;; Aubrey #alcohol tw;;#{ WOW i got majorly distracted from this }#{ BUT!!! here it is!!!! }#{ a butterfly effect if u will.... }

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iwillhaveamoonbase · 4 years ago

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Replay ch. 4

Callum gulped as he sent the text to Rayla. She was fully in her rights to reject a drawing session in the woods. Not only that, but he was asking her to bring her own clothes because he didn’t know her exact measurements. Was he asking too much? He read the text again. ‘If it’s not too much trouble, I was really imagining drawing you among the trees, like a faerie or an elf. If you have any flowy clothes that you are alright with getting dirty, please wear those. I’ll send you the location if you’re comfortable. If not, we can do the beach or my backyard. I just can’t imagine drawing you in a confined space like my studio. I don’t think it would fit your spirit.’

Callum internally screamed. Did he really send that? She was going to rescind her acceptance of his request to draw her, wasn’t she? ‘Her spirit’? He had met her once! What was wrong with him? It was true, though. That was something about her that, despite the suit and the situation that they met in, made him feel like she would be more at home running barefoot through the forest or relaxing by the sea.

Either way, now all he had to do was wait for her to reply back. If she rejected the offer, well, he didn’t want to think about that, because that meant he probably was never going to see her again. Meeting her once was enough to make her haunt his every thought for the past three days. While he and his friends had finally ironed out how they were going to go full-time with YouTube, she had been right in the back of his mind.

He had looked up her name and ran across a few things. She really was the daughter of two bodyguards of the British royal family and her adoptive fathers ran a famous Celtic jewelry shop in Aberdeen, the designs being a mix of traditional shapes and styles and new materials. She did dance for years as a way to channel her energy. There was even a video online of her at sixteen doing a ballet routine to a Kylie Minogue and Madonna compilation. She had inserted traditional Irish step dance in a way Callum never would have thought worked but it did. Maybe that was because of the sheer joy on her face as she moved. That made her departure from dance all the stranger and it’s also where information about her basically stopped. The most recent thing he found was that she worked for Patel and Associates Anti-Fraud Law Office.

A lawyer…his faerie was a lawyer. It certainly explained the suit but it was almost absurd. Here he was imagining her running through the trees and she was surrounded by paperwork in her daily life. Did she enjoy it? Did she like spicy food? What was her type?

Callum hit his head against his desk. He needed to stop letting his mind drift to her and whether or not she could ever be interested in him. There was no way someone like him was her type. She couldn’t hide just how toned her long legs her in her suit. She probably worked out often while he was a lazy twig that indulged in sleeping in too much. Also, she was a lawyer. A lawyer falling for a YouTuber/artist? Yeah, right.

A stray chip hit his forehead. Callum looked up to glare at Soren. “What?”

“You thinking about that hot girl at the cheese shop again?”

“What? No!” Callum could feel the blush creepy up on his cheeks and all the way to his ears.

“It’s fine if you were. She was smoking hot. I never thought I would find white hair hot, but DAMN.”

Claudia hummed in acknowledgement. “I’m calling it now; she’s Bi or Pan.”

“What makes you say that?” Soren mumbled around a bunch of chips.

Claudia winked. “Gaydar.”

“Wishful thinking?”

“Maybe some of that, too,” Claudia shrugged.

“She’s got two dads,” Callum mumbled.

Soren, Claudia, and Ezran all turned to him. “Does she now?” Claudia asked.

“Yeah. She told me at the shop. It was the painting of Aunt Amaya and Aunt Janai that made her accept my offer. She was raised by her parents’ friends, hence, two dads. They run Gael Jewelers in Aberdeen.”

Claudia immediately pulled out her phone, probably to look them up. Shortly after, she whistled. “Wow. She comes from a really good-looking family. Her mom is a totally MILF.”

Soren rolled his eyes. “Claudia, you can’t just-” Claudia shoved the picture in his face. “MILF alert.”

“Mm-hmm.” Claudia scrolled through. “Ethari and Runaan and are also incredibly attractive. Damn. What is in the water in Scotland?”

Callum rolled his eyes. “Guys. Let’s focus. Do we need a production manager?”

Claudia shrugged. “My vote is you’re in charge of creative for group projects, we run our own channels, and we hire an editing assistant.”

“We also need a social media manager. Ez can’t do it all on his own while he’s in school.”

Ezran nodded. “It’s nice that you guys do your own channel stuff, but, sometimes, it would be nice to have some help.”

“Do we need a strong social media presence? We have YouTube and Twitter. Isn’t that enough?”

Ezran scratched the back of his neck. “Maybe? Claudia’s got a large following on Tumblr ever since she came out during one of her make-up tutorials. Her super casual ‘my ex-girlfriend taught me how to do this and this is the first time I’ve done this eyeliner look since we broke-up’ just made her blow-up and our channel gained thousands of followers over-night.”

Callum nodded. “We gained a lot of followers after I did that art tutorial with Janai, too. A lot of people just went gaga over her and I see a lot of requests for her to come back on the channel.”

“Which is where a social media manager could come in handy. Maybe they could track requests so we don’t have to?”

Soren sighed, taking another handful of his chips. “We also need someone to help us with events. Getting us into them, working booths…being famous is hard work.”

“We aren’t famous, Soren.”

“Beg to differ. I get stopped all the time.” Soren flexed his arm. “And it’s not just because of these guns.” The other three in the room rolled their eyes.

“Himbo,” Claudia coughed, no-so-subtly.

“WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! Stop using words I don’t know!”

“Stop being a himbo.”

“CLAUDS!”

Ezran and Callum shared a look, snorting at their childhood friends’ teasing. Soren and Claudia couldn’t go five minutes without teasing each other or making a serious situation humorous. “Can’t take them anywhere,” Callum whispered.

Ezran nodded. “Bait is better behaved.”

Callum eyed the frog in the glass bowl Ezran took with him wherever he could. “He’s glaring at me again.”

“Because you won’t stop thinking about that girl.”

“It’s not my fault she won’t leave my head. You saw her, Ez.”

“Yeah, she’s beautiful, but she’s not running through my head like she is your’s. Are you even ready for another relationship? After Melissa-”

“Melissa was a nightmare. She constantly asked to be introduced in our videos. I didn’t know at the time, but you were right, she approached me because she wanted to piggyback off our growing fame.” Callum ran a hand through his hair. “I was an idiot.”

Ezran put a hand on his shoulder. “I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say that Melissa really hurt you and I want you to be careful. You didn’t even like her that much, if I remember correctly.”

“She was nice, pretty, liked some of the same things I did. But she didn’t really inspire me to be better or push my art. She only encouraged the YouTube thing, not what I actually like.”

“She is why we got almost fifty thousand subscribers in one week, though. That story broke and you had to give that little video and it really stuck with people.”

Callum remembered that video. As a way to quiet down any questions, he had made a short video detailing how they had met (in a coffee shop), why they had never gone public (he had wanted to keep his private life and his YouTube life separate), that she had met his family but they kept it hush-hush (impossible not to meet Ezran after knowing Callum for a week), and that the break-up had not been mutual. Callum had broken-up with her because he had felt that it wasn’t working because they wanted different things. Melissa pushed the YouTube thing, and there was nothing wrong with that, but, if Callum was going to be known for social media and videos, he wanted to be proud of what he put out into the universe. He loved his art more, and, if he could, that would be all he did. Melissa had wanted to do sponsorships and Callum hadn’t. They just had different values and desires and no one else was owed this knowledge, but Callum had been forced to do damage control because people would not stop asking. “Yeah. I was really surprised that that happened.”

“People value honesty. I think it comes across in our videos and your art tutorials that you are not in this for the fame. We’ve done meet and greets and you are just awkward as anything. Melissa showed her true colors on her own with posts afterwards.” Callum didn’t even want to think about how Melissa had tried to monetize their break-up. It had been bizarre to see her sponsored by a make-up wipe company to tell her side of the story, which basically confirmed everything in Callum’s video, but with the caveat that she had wanted him to reach new heights and that YouTube and not his ‘lame art’, as she had put it, was the way to do that. Their fans had not taken kindly to that and Melissa had lost thousands of followers she had gained overnight in even less time.

“Social media is weird, Ez. No matter what, we have got to stay away from the drama. We do not want to be involved in any of that.”

“Yep. That’s why I think a social media manager could help. A good one.”

“I’m all for it if that’s what keeps our noses clean.” Callum straightened when his phone alerted him to a text.

He opened it to see it was from Rayla ‘The woods? OK. I’m still bringing my friend. When’s good for you? It would have to be on a weekend for me because of work. Sorry about that.’

“Holy shit,” Callum whispered.

“What?” Ezran looked over his shoulder to read the text. “That text sounds weird. Callum-”

“I know, Ez, but she didn’t say ‘no’. She didn’t reject me.” Ezran raised a brow. “You know what I mean.”

“You’ve got it bad.”

“I just need to draw her to get her out of my system.”

“Either that or she is your muse. Poor Aunt Janai. She was having so much fun being your muse. So was Khessa.” Callum chuckled. Khessa, Janai’s older sister, did enjoy modeling for Callum. His exhibit on women of color had been a smash hit in part because of her always accepting when he asked. She had once modeled with a crown while sitting on a throne and that particular piece now hung in her house in her living room, showed off to everyone who came over. Callum smiled as he remembered that exhibit. His crowing achievement, to this day, was the portrait of his mother, eyes softened, and an easy, loving smile on her lips. People thought of her as this rough former military general and tactician who once taught at military academies. They didn’t know that she had a sweet tooth or that her relationship with Callum’s father had led her to leaving the military because she saw that the push for peace was more important.

She was now known for her discussions on US-South Korean and US-Thai relations because both her parents were immigrants and her own history in South Korea. Sarai and Amaya had both spent half their childhoods in South Korea in Korean schools, helping Sarai learn how the rest of the world saw the States. She and Amaya and joined the military because it helped pay for university, but both found they were really good at it. So good at it, they extended their contracts before finally leaving to focus on family and peaceful negotiations. Callum was proud of his mother’s work and was proud of the picture showing the softer side of her so many people didn’t see.

He shook his head and sent a quick text to Rayla that next Saturday worked for him if it worked for her. This Saturday was in a few days and, if things went how Ezran wanted, they were probably going to be doing interviews all weekend for a social media manager. “Let’s get a social media manager, Ez.”

“YES!”

------------------------------------------

Rayla smiled at the text. The woods was a bit of a strange option, but she was excited. She hadn’t had a chance to go running through the trees barefoot in years. She was going to have to ask Corvus if he was willing to head out early so she could do so. She mentally thought of her wardrobe and realized she didn’t have anything flowing that she was willing to get dirty. She was going to have to go thrift store shopping.

Was she really going to go buy a dress so a random artist that she had met one time could draw her surrounded by trees? Yeah, she was and she was going to look so good she was going to haunt his mind like he haunted her’s. His voice followed her and she had watched all of his videos in three days. She barely slept because she wanted to hear him more or see him smile or laugh. She felt like one of those stalkers who was convinced a famous person was in love with them, but she had met him in real life. He had approached her, he had asked to draw her. Either way, she wanted him to be tongue-tied when he saw her and, hopefully, she was going to quell some of the fire that refused to leave her belly since they had shaken hands.

#replay #rayllum #rayllum fanfic #tdp #the dragon prince #au #moonbase fanfics

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bladekindeyewear · 4 years ago

Text

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-05-19

Figured an upd8 was coming, it’s felt like enough time has passed for one.

Huh, looking at my last post I’d completely forgotten I was supposed to play through Pesterquest sometime... work is busy and stressing me out a bit, I’m not sure when I’ll have the energy on the side to do that. (Maybe I’ll livetweet it like I did Undertale a while ago, but this time not looking at my twitter replies so I don’t get spoiled by One Guy™?)

Also, including bonus commentary on A Threat Sensed.

Okay, going in completely blind. I’d guessed from context that we’re hopping over to Meat side to get a chapter there before we can come back to actually see Yiffy?

Yep. Okay, what is this about exactly?

(Agh, dammit, I’ve been copying and pasting so much at work remoting into Windows lately that now I’m automatically trying to hit control-C instead of command-C to copy.)

> CHAPTER 9. How Goes The Eulogizing, Dear?

CONTENT NOTE: This chapter contains Child Abuse.

Which one???

Wait

JANE: (Where is he?) JANE: (It's a question I've found myself asking many times in recent days.)

Holy SHIT we get two Candy chapters in a row??? So we might see her right away?? No, it’s gotta just be another tiny glimpse.

(Has two Candy chapters in a row happened before? Future Boots, scroll back up and put this here. FUTURE BOOTS: “I forgot to scroll back up and put that here.” EDIT: Also, not the first time with two in a row, but it IS the first time with THREE in a row, huh.)

So Jane has to be talking about either Tavros or Dave. --Oh, if this was a Candy Side chapter title, I guess Rose or Jade is eulogizing Dave for John?

> (==>)

JANE: (Where now is our merry savior?) JANE: (Where is the horn that was honking?) JANE: (Where is the cape and the codpiece, and the...) JANE: (The...) JANE: (Oh, fiddlesticks.)

What? Is she reading a childrens’ book? --Oh. She’s eulogizing Gamzee. So that gives us a third option, where the rebellion crashes the funeral somehow, probably audiovisually rather than in person. (Which would make sense, given Candy practically began with Gamzee crashing Dirk’s funeral.)

> (==>)

Ah never mind, she’s still writing it.

That sure is a single button drama-remote that’s going to be pressed at some point. Oh, and who the fuck keeps a spork in a pen cup??? --No no, don’t say it’s one of those pens with a spork at the eraser end, either ready-made or rubber-banded to the side. That would make sense. You totally know it isn’t that and is just a spork.

JANE: (Okay, poetry is out.) JANE: (What else?) JANE: (Hrm...) JANE: (I've always been pretty good at crying on cue.) JANE: (Could I try staging an emotional breakdown?) JANE: (That could work; playing to people's humanity.)

Why were you crying in Jake’s arms about his death if you didn’t care that much? Did you just want him to hold you and kinda make him feel in on things again? Or did you just cry yourself out about him?

JANE: (Or whatever is the more inclusive term.)

I bet the rest of Earth C figured out a more inclusive term millenia ago FUCK I accidentally added millennia to my dictionary misspelled instead of correcting it hold on--

...There, killed the entry for it. ...Huh. Take a look at my Chrome dictionary’s custom-added words over the years, apparently:

Caliborn Eridan Kanaya Matriorb Meenah Tavros alchemiter dichotomic nephilim reblogged uncaptchalogues uncaptchaloguing

That’s fun.

Okay back to reading. Millennia. Phew! Where was I.

JANE: (One really good and calculated weep could do it, I think.) JANE: (But then there's the danger that I might get carried away and do it for real.) JANE: (And I can't risk that.)

So still feeling something, just too used to calculating over the past years.

JANE: (What can I say about him that will stir up their emotions?) JANE: (Do I mention the stuff about the milk?) JANE: (Think Crocker, think.)

WHY would you-- how much did Gamzee normalize adult breastfeeding?!

JAKE: Ahoy over there!

Not the best time.

(The thing with the divorce papers from the Epilogue and John implying he was planning with Jake to execute something that sounds like a divorce... is that going to be sprung here? Did her lawyers send the divorce papers way back when she was in a fit of pique, and he just had them available to sign now at the tactical moment? Or... let me pull the exact text...)

JOHN: now, harry anderson, i know that you and tavros haven't always gotten along. JOHN: but i am going to have to ask you to try and look out for him for the time being. JOHN: your uncle jake and i... well, i'll explain later. JOHN: let's just say that gamzee isn't the only family member jane is losing today.

(So is John going to submit the papers? Or did they already go through a while ago and default custody to John or something who’s going to adopt him too or some nonsense? And did he plan this out with Jake NOW, or a while ago, and if only a while ago, is Jake going to KNOW whatever John’s about to pull in that respect is about to happen??)

> (==>)

Butte

Janepalme

> (==>)

JAKE: Er... how goes the eulogizing, dear?

Gah. I completely forgot again that capitalized-first-letter chapter names don’t mean KANAYA is saying them. That probably makes a lot more sense out of my wondering about the chapter title earlier to those of you who didn’t realize I was making that mistake.

JANE: It turns out that it's mighty difficult to find touching things to say about a person, the relationship with whom was predicated on deep-seated mutual loathing.

Hah!

--A loathing you regarded as largely more important to you than Jake ever was, by the way. You asshole.

JANE: I imagine this is one of the reasons no funerary tradition was ever established on Alternia, besides the barbarism of their culture. DIRK: Jesus christ. JANE: Not only did a significant proportion of their interpersonality depend on romance in the form of hatred, but it was a society based on cruelty and violence. JANE: What reason could they have had to provide for the dead? JANE: What kind of last rites could they have even imagined?

I wondered for a moment why (bg!)Dirk of all people would react to a single line of her starting to bring up prejudices, but then I realized that (1) Brain Ghost Dirk is a little more Jakey, and (2) Dirk knew that more ranting would follow the first line.

JANE: I can't think of anything good to write about him because deep down, I hated his guts. JANE: But he was and is beloved of the multitude, so I have to think of something regardless. JAKE: Im not sure i understand. JANE: Don't worry your pretty little head about it. JANE: This is politics, Jakey. JANE: Lying through your two front teeth about people you hate is about as good a definition as it's possible to get. JANE: But, by gum, is it tiring work.

Mm. It’s a position Jane put herself in, but it’s still a legitimate position once you’re there.

JANE: The funeral is tomorrow, after all.

Got it.

DIRK: Dude, the bowl. JAKE: Hm? JAKE: Oh, right. JANE: What is it now, Jake. JAKE: I brought something for our guest as well. JANE: You mean the prisoner. JAKE: Y...es.

Wait, bowl?

Oh god damnit which of you had the idea to feed her with a DOG BOWL. Either of you could have thought of it, and either of you would be horrible for it.

> (==>)

Huh, that outfit on Yiffy looks familiar, like a reference to something. And a black tail? This definitely isn’t quite the look I was expecting from Jade Plus Rose, but I suppose the snazzy tie is a Roseish vibe. Also reminiscent of Jade’s old Dead Shuffle dress. Formal wear and soccer cleats??

JANE: She's over in the corner. JANE: Don't worry, she won't bite. JANE: I've seen to that already.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN. I don’t see anything over her mouth! Did she stick something in it, or drug her? File her fucking teeth???

I mean I did forget the Child Abuse trigger warning to be fair. Hoping whatever would be on her mouth is just not shown in-panel yet for stylistic reasons.

> (==>)

JAKE: Its only mac and cheese, sorry. JAKE: Its all I know how to make, haha. JAKE: ... JAKE: I um... hope you can safely partake of cheese? JAKE: ... JAKE: Well, JAKE: Bon appetit.

How the fuck did Jake eat on his island then? --Oh right, preserved food cans that Grandma Jade stored up, I think I remember. Why would cheese not be a thing for them, if it’s fine for Jade? I know he’s probably not just worried about lactose intolerance.

Either way, if she’s drugged here, that’ll mean we won’t get a good idea of her for a while, so which is it...

> (==>)

DIRK: Bon appetit. DIRK: Seriously dude? JAKE: (What? Did i pronounce it wrong?) DIRK: Jake. DIRK: You put the food in a fucking dog bowl. JAKE: (It was all there was, ok???) JAKE: (I feel awful enough as it is without you getting on my case about it.)

Ah, missed the bone pun. AND, yeah, Jake, you’re a fucking idiot, you could have put it in a cup or something.

JAKE: (So far ive yet to see anything come of that brilliant plan of yours.) JAKE: (Are you sure sending that message to the others was enough?)

Okay, so he IS coordinating this slightly.

> (==>)

Horrifying image to contemplate, eh Jane?

Or anger-inducing?

> (==>)

Seems about right!

> (==>)

Oh that’s a GREAT exasperated Jane face.

JANE: I hope you're not expecting dessert, young lady.

I like how Jane didn’t notice, comment on, or care about the bowl. How can you hate a kid so much??

> (==>)

Oh I know why I felt like I recognized the outfit style, it’s because it’s ANIME AS FUCK. Feels like some Persona 4 Arena nonsense, and I say that not having played any of those games or even remembering what they looked like. Also, white hair, black fur’d dog parts? Nice change of pace.

YIFFY: GRRRRRRRRR... JANE: Oh no you don't.

Red text? What color exactly... “#D00009”? Huh. That’s nowhere near Alt-Callie’s #FF0000, and darker than Dave’s #E00707. In fact, let me go back and check those spilled color pins the commentary pointed out from an update or two ago... no, the red pin is #E63225, closer to Dave’s color. (Also, is Yiffy blocking the doorway out? That’s a pretty slack chain then.)

Did Jane see to it that she wouldn’t bite with like, a water spray bottle?

(EDIT: Oh my FUCKING GOD, THAT's why it's #D00009...)

> (==>)

FUCK I didn’t notice the shock collar in the Yiffy image! FUCK YOU, Jane.

> (==>)

Keeping someone in line with collars, especially ones that punish whenever one strays out of line, has always been a decent way for her to mix in some Doomy control of others to show how she’s “grown” to balance her main role and her Tiara-controlled-like inverse for more power. Doom in part represents boundaries that you can’t cross without getting hurt or punished.

> (==>)

FUCK, those little buck teeth!? D’:

JANE: That's more like it.

She HAS to have more of a reason for hating her than hating her parents, right? Like, more than that and general racism applying to partdogfolk?

> (==>)

Hey fuck off with that!

> (==>)

This is a pretty cool ima-- are those piercings on her dog ear? I didn’t notice that in the first shot, neat.

JANE: You've been a thorn in my side ever since I agreed to enroll you at the academy, little madam. JANE: Back then, I was doing a favor for two old friends who made a disgusting mistake. JANE: I'm no longer going to play nice with you just because of your parents, however. JANE: That truce is over. JANE: Do I make myself understood?

What the fuck? WHY would you do that? Why does Jane run "Ms. Paint’s Home for Inconvenient Girls”? What did Yiffy do to piss her off so much there, how much trouble could she have caused?

I don’t know if she’s referring to the behind-Kanaya’s-back part as disgusting or she’s just being MORE racist.

> (==>)

JANE: We don't want you passing out during the ceremony, do we?

Oh, just showing the hostage off during the clown funeral, huh? Classy much?

> (==>)

JANE: Now, be a good hostage and get some rest, Yiffany dear. JANE: We've got a big day tomorrow.

For a politician, Jane’s not good at looking at herself in a mirror.

> (==>)

JANE: Night night. JANE: Hoo hoo.

> (Yiffy: Lights out.)

Huh, dream stuff is gonna be relevant out in Candy then? *click*

Okay, dark background all of a sudden. Properly dramatic? You even have to highlight the non-link “>” part of the Next link to see it.

> (==>)

-- thespiansGlamor [TG] began pestering adamantGriftress [AG] --

Well, I don’t know WHY it’s happening, but the white-backed pesterlog suddenly on the dark site framing is certainly evocative. Of like, a mood, or something.

TG: i thought he was pretty quiet down there. TG: we'll make a rebel of him yet! AG: Lol. AG: I think it's more that he can't sleep. AG: I know how he feels. TG: yeah. TG: today was a lot. AG: ... TG: do you wanna talk about it? AG: Ugh, not you as well.

It’s really jarring to transition between Homestuck’s “kids jarringly mentally resistant to freaking out about the end of the world” to HS^2′s more realistic “kids traumatized by their first firefight even though it was an overwhelming victory-escape”.

TG: but seriously, do you? AG: Not really. TG: not even about... you know? TG: her? AG: No. TG: ... are you sure? AG: A8solutely. AG: What are you, my moirail? AG: Just leave it, Harry. TG: ok.

Are they about to have an “I wonder what Yiffy’s like” talk?

> (==>)

Very similar Tav/Vrissy convo to the previous one.

GG: I havent ever shared a bedroom before,,, GG: Not even for a slumber party,,, AG: Tavvy, you are just a8out the saddest person I've ever met.

Well, we have an even better idea how horrible Jane can be with kids, now. From Nanna to THIS is quite jarring. I wonder how the double Nannasprites that must still be around here somewhere feel?

> (==>)

TG: nothing about my dad is cute. TG: what are you even saying. AG: Lmao. TG: seriously! TG: i think he has something against that word, even. he gets super weird about it. AG: He's a strange and funny m8n. TG: yeah. TG: ... TG: i think something bad must have happened.

...um. What? Why would John have some sort of trauma about the word cute or being called it?

Did John dress up as a hint of his buried June ambitions as a kid and Dad lavish him with “SO CUTE” praise in an epic supportiveness backfire that caused him to shelve the idea of wearing non-masc clothes and being happier on the flipside of gender ever again??? Because if that’s how June gets canonized as promised, it’s a little harsher than the back of my mind was hoping. I guess it kind of had to be though from the premise of how it was read into his childhood for the original idea, though. Fuck, I hope this Cute business is about something different from that (like a Terezi reference or such) just to get less John Sads. (But still June. Definitely still want to get June.)

> (==>)

Oh, and now Vrissy is doing nothing but talking about what she said she didn’t want to talk about, of course. (Also I like how JANE’s now being called the Batterwitch.)

AG: And the worst part was they didn't even fight a8out it! AG: That made me madder than 8nything else. AG: It felt like I was the only person who even W8S mad! GG: I dont think thats true,,, AG: What would you know a8out it?! GG: Maybe nothing,,, GG: Sorry,,, GG: Its just,,, GG: To me,,, all the way through the conversation,,, aunt kanaya looked even angrier than you,,, AG: ... AG: Adults are so fucking weird.

Guh, I don’t want to be reminded how hurt a good chunk of the fanbase is by Kanaya getting hurt this badly.

Original Tavros was always SLIGHTLY perceptive of others sometimes, but maybe perceptiveness is being hinted at as a Tavros specialty? We still don’t know his classpect/hero-title or have any firm guesses based on purely him evidence. (Also, frightened kids of abusive households tend to learn to get perceptive pretty fucking quickly I hear.)

> (==>)

TG: dad was sitting in the cafeteria with aunt jade and your moms. TG: it looked like they were discussing something important... they were whispering and stuff.

[etc etc] Alright, the what-happened-to-Dave bit. And I imagine they’re kind of helping John grieve there, since Rose and Jade have talked that out already.

TG: aunt kanaya's was the only face i could see. TG: she was standing next to them, but she wasn't looking at what was going on. TG: almost like she couldn't bear to. AG: I doubt it. Kanaya's got a8out as much Emotivity as a very reclusive stone. TG: ok, i think that is bullshit but whatever. TG: she saw me standing there, but didn't say anything. she just shook her head slightly, and pointed back out into the hallway i came down.

Yep, giving them some space to grieve. Also-- gosh, shouldn’t Vrissy have the same emotive senses that Aranea implied Vriska shared with her? Kanaya isn’t that EXPRESSIVE but she’s certainly full of emotion. Also, I hope part of her not bearing to watch wasn’t lingering anger toward Jade and Rose mixing with that, but there probably was a bit of that too, though Dave being gone is so much harsher than that. --I just realized they might not have broken the news to Karkat yet, either.

AG: I guesadxcxzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz TG: vrissy?

Put to sleep by someone slumping down on your phone keypad, or surprised by something about the other conversation?

Oh shit, “other conversation” reminded me I didn’t look at Tavros’s chumhandle:

glutinousGymnast [GG]

HHHHHhhhhuh. Hm... huh? hhhh. huh? what, but. Why would. ?????

I really don’t understand what that chumhandle or any of its entendres should signify in this context.

Also, this means for our new four kids we have TG, GG, AG, and ??.

> (==>)

GG: I think she might have succumbed to sleep quite suddenly,,, GG: It would explain the,,,,,, interesting messages I've been getting for a while,,, TG: hehe. TG: i guess that tracks. TG: she does that from time to time.

That’s... strange. Homestuck’s taught us to be suspicious of that.

TG: ... TG: tav? GG: Yes,,, harry anderson,,,? TG: what does it feel like to know someone who's died?

Who is Harry referring to? (EDIT: Yes I know Gamzee for Tavros, but I meant Harry talks like he's worried he'll have to feel that way soon?) Is he just kind of inferring that something bad might have happened to Uncle Dave? Got that perceptive “parents are about to tell me about a death in the family” vibe? Or did he overhear more than he let on to Vrissy?

...alright, that’s the last page of this update. Looks like this chapter is going to continue to have a good bunch of grieving, or talk around it.

---

Now for Bonus Commentary for A Threat, Sensed. For some reason I have a dim memory of like... reading this myself without commenting on it? Or skimming it? But I’m pretty sure I didn’t do that. Weird. Must have imagined doing it.

Ah, I think I saw the opening paragraph scrolling Patreon, and my mind kinda filled in the blanks, this is still looking new to me.

Okay, mostly banter and japes in the commentary here. About Dirk “throwing a huge tantrum in his philosophy cave”.

We’ve had quite a bit of speculation on whether this is “really” Andrew. To that, I think we’d say that it doesn’t “really” matter.

Really? That was speculated about? :/

Here we discover that Dirk has not, as some people have speculated, been directly intervening into the Candy timeline, or influencing it in any way. In fact, he has a very hard time seeing anything going on there at all.

Mhmm, and that was a pretty important thing to learn.

A couple of years ago I might have agreed with the take that everything happening in Candy is simply too outlandish to ever happen naturally, without direct, villainous interference, but that was before literally every fucking batshit insane thing that has happened on Real Life Earth started going down, and now I will believe literally anything.

This is a nice bit of distraction from the idea that at least the opening parts of the Candy story were written/narrated by Original, Alive Calliope over on meat side. To refresh your memory of what was pointed out to me:

ROXY: back when jade first got all effed up callie saw somethin and it made them freak out ROXY: it took me weeks to convince them that it was safe to come home ROXY: but now we got the opposite problem and they arent leavin the house at all ROXY: they stay home all day with the blinds drawn paintin some weird ass shit on the walls TEREZI: WH4T? ROXY: its not as bad as it sounds i promise ROXY: some of it is like ROXY: weird and violent?? ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um ROXY: nudity???? TEREZI: >:? ROXY: yeah yikes ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit ROXY: anyway thats kept callie kinda busy

Which tracks with the initial out-of-character-seemingness of almost everyone at the start of Candy, and how they kind of tried to railroad things back onto the “Happy??” track after Dirk derailed it with his weird self-accumulation suicide, along with some of the flowery-idyllic descriptions of characters seeing each other bathed in a halo of light and such.

Of course, they’re not going to out-and-out STATE that Calliope was at fault for that narration, helping the Candy story not necessarily fall out the way it did “naturally”, until we finally get a glimpse of her on the heroes’ ship in Meat probably still painting the continuing Candy events, inspiring them into the void of the singularity with her latent powers. Til then, it’s a bit of misdirection whenever the topic is to be brought up. Along with a mix of Roxy’s late-Candy point to John of more or less “why COULDN’T we have done this naturally? you don’t know”.

He might even think that he has more direct power over the narrative than Hussie does himself. Surprise, motherfucker, you are a fictional character.

I’ll quote this next part in full:

There’s been talk of whether or not this bonus was written in the two days between its release and the Yiffy reveal chapter. The answer is--no. It was written over a month ago. But I think the things it addresses were not difficult to suss out. Obviously, Dirk is highlighting the issues that the readership are having with Yiffy, in his typical Dirk fashion. If it seems a little defensive, well...I suppose it is. Yiffy is one of the two hard lines drawn in the sand, and all of us love her, and we’re hoping that everyone else will love her too. But more than that, it focuses on the fact that update culture has a rhythm to it--shock, revulsion, acceptance (or not), and then excitement (or not). Will it follow that pattern this time? Who knows. I guess we’ll find out.

Yeah, given what was going to be dropped on us I expected they would have had exactly this lined up, especially because Andrew specifically mandated Yiffy. --I wonder why they aren’t mentioning that somewhere in the commentary and only on one of their Twitters?

Also quoting this:

There’s something both incredibly “cringe” and self-indulgent, as well as philosophically intriguing, about the author arguing with his villain, especially since he’s writing both halves of the conversation himself. You are, for all intents and purposes, trying to solve a problem that you have created for yourself. You are looking an aspect of your personality in the eye and asking, hey, what the fuck, man?

But in the end, isn’t that what every story is? Trying to untie knots that you put in the rope yourself?

Since it’s part of the central struggle of this story, and kind of the question Andrew’s tried to imply with every Homestuck work about what right we have to keep these characters trapped in a story, and if they’d be better off escaping it.

I’m really trying to avoid quoting so much of this, since the commentary is paid... but I think we can make an exception here? I’ll have only quoted about half of it; just, the really plot-important half. Plus, I left out a LOOOT of japes.

Dirk has a certain idea of how stories are supposed to go. That’s pretty much what the Epilogues is about. The audience also has a certain expectation of how a story is supposed to go. In a way, the Epilogues were also about that. They were taking a story that had reached the traditionally “acceptable” happily ever after, and saying, wait, no. What happens next? Thinking past happily ever after in any story is a terrifying prospect. Once Cinderella marries the prince, what then? Sure, she got what she wanted, but who knows that it will be everything she dreamt it would? What if she changes her mind, if not today, what about ten years from now? What if the prince dies of malaria?

And I’m...

Yeah I don’t have anything else to add here, I’m kind of out of brain juice to think about this tonight. BUSY day I had. Y’all take care!

#Homestuck #hs2 #Homestuck Liveblog #upd8 #Homestuck^2 #bladekindeyewear #blastyoboots #spoiler #spoilers #Homestuck Commentary

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cherishedproperty · 6 years ago

Text

Pillowfort Thoughts

So I’ve been on Pillowfort almost a week. I’ve started a community for D/s writers. I’ve written my own stuff there. I’ve worked to find friends, new and old. And for those of you who are interested, I thought I would collect some thoughts. (Btw, I know this is long, and I would use a “read more” cut but I’m not sure if anyone would be able to see the full post given that I’m marked explicit. So apologies.)

First let me say, Pillowfort is not (nor is it intended to be) a Tumblr substitute. It functions differently. It makes explicit choices about functionality that affect how people interact and the type of culture that develops as a result. It reminds me more of Livejournal than Tumblr, and there are pros and cons to that. So here’s my assessment:

Pillowfort does not allow users to comment when they reblog. You can comment on a post (like a Tumblr reply without a character limit), but it stays with the OP and does not appear on your blog. Pillowfort has made a conscious decision here and does not intend to add reblog comments.

The pro of this is that you content creators don’t end up with disturbing/unwanted words being attached to their content. I know several people here who have struggled with that. But the flip side is that stolen images will be as prevalent as here (or more) because people will repost the image to be able to append their comment. Another pro is that you don’t end up with a bunch of different posts on the same thing clogging up your feed when a discussion gets active; it all stays in the threaded comments for the post. That part is really nice. Sometimes the same thing shows up on my Tumblr feed like 5 times in a row with different sets of comments and reblogs, and it can be a mess.

The other cons of this are obvious. When someone scrolls through my blog, they don’t see the thoughtful commentary I’m providing all over the place. It also limits bloggers who primarily create when inspired by others’ posts (like you lovely erotica writers out there). Some people tag reblogs with “commented” or some such. Others will link the OP in a new post, but that fragments the discussion (especially without the ability to @ someone right now). There are other proposals on the table to allow OP to feature comments, but they are unlikely to ever switch to having reblog comments.

Reblogs always show that you reblogged from the OP. So this doesn’t get content curators or communities any visibility to get followers. A friend just reblogged something from me about Twitter harassment. I only know she reblogged from me because it was right after I posted, and she only follows a few people (there’s no ability to see who likes or reblogs your posts right now). Her reblog shows that she reblogged from OP. So no one is going to know that I was involved at all unless they look at the notes on the post itself.

There are no asks. And as far as I know, no plans to add that. People say the communities are a good avenue to ask those questions, but I have found asks to be a valuable part of the D/s community. You can direct message and the blogger could choose to put that question and response in a post. But those are really the options.

When you change the original post, all of the reblogs change. If you delete a post, all the reblogs disappear. As someone who is horrified by typos sometimes after I post, this is super awesome. It has the potential for abuse, if someone changes a post you’ve reblogged and writes some Nazi shit on it that is now on your blog when you never meant it to be. So that’s something to know.

Pillowfort has communities, and they are great. Communities have discussions and posts. So in my community, I’m putting writing prompts in discussions. People can respond by commenting on the discussion, or they can make a new post and reblog it to the community. Sometimes I got annoyed by the shorter sccwriting prompts that then led to like 75 reblogs of one-sentence comments clogging up my feed. Now that stuff can all go in discussions. Also, any member of the community can reblog their post to the community, rather than mods having to do it like with sccwriting.

You can toggle off NSFW posts in your feed. As long as people tag posts appropriately. So if you don’t want to see buttholes in your feed at 7am, you can go butthole free for a while. I really, really like this. As long as people actually tag their shit appropriately. Which they don’t. But the community seems good about policing it now.

There are other features people might like. You can choose who you share posts with—followers, mutuals, or everyone. You can decide whether a post is rebloggable or commentable. It generally gives much more control to content creators, which is nice.

There are other features people might miss. There’s no overall activity feed right now. I don’t know who reblogs from me or likes my posts. I can see this on each individual post for my original posts, but it’s not gathered in one place, and I have zero visibility into who reblogs something I reblogged.

Pillowfort is in closed beta right now, meaning they allow joining by registration key only, which in the past has happened with a $5 donation. They’ve currently suspended that process so the platform can catch up and absorb all the new users. But if you are interested, you can log in as a demo user and go through the full site (and even find me and the new community). You can also get on a waiting list to be notified when they open it up again.

For now, I’m sticking around there and trying to see if the platform can work for me. But I’m also still open to new options and will keep you all posted on those as they arise. Feel free to reach out with questions about the platform if you have any. Happy to answer them.

#rescue options #pillowfort

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silverquillsideas · 6 years ago

Note

Salmon and others were openly discussing rape and talking about drawing rape and there were people in the replies talking about how seeing a “rape drawing” changed the way they consumed content and shipped things (they meant that they liked the rape btw). If she hasn’t gone back to private, you can probably find those for yourself since they’re pretty recent. I thought you seemed nice but I’m really disappointed in you. Will be unfollowing and blocking.

Hello! I was debating on how (if at all) to answer this, since you seem to have already made up your mind to not hear anything further about this issue altogether.

But I do have a few things to say, regardless, because I found specific phrases you used, to be sketchy/unclear at best.

Warning tho : this is going to delve into a discussion of "rape and sexuality" from a real life perspective, since the fandom seems so bent upon drawing parallels to reality and compare fiction and irl examples. If you find that uncomfortable, block the tag "tw:rape" and scroll past.

_____

So, my first point of discussion : "Salmon and others were openly discussing rape and talking about drawing rape"

Putting aside the issue of the subject matter of the threads for a second, I'll focus on the other part : about *posting publicly*. I talked to three separate followers of the twt artist, who also happen to be my tumblr mutuals, and they basically confirmed the same thing : there was no "open discussion", in the sense, that, they did so either on Privatter (assuming you know how it works) or they did in the comment threads on their *personal twitter account*, and only those who were willing to engage in such a discussion, went ahead and joined. They did not encroach on anyone's space and invite them in forcefully.

I'm putting the screenshots of conversation I've had with one of my friends regarding this, and as you can see, none of it was *open for public viewing*

Also, here's the artist's own message that's pinned to their account :

Let me put this in perspective : suppose you're not into kpop (I picked a random example, btw) and find it weird and flamboyant, and you generally avoid it altogether. While scrolling through tumblr, you stumble upon a hardcore kpop blog, you're totally put off by the contents and you complain to your mutuals about how ABC person indulges in kpop and you found it weird and unappealing.

But my point is, there was nothing public about the said blog or account, because, by nature, every blog or account is a person's private space for expression of ideas. Yes, tumblr, twitter and other social media platforms are all *public* in the sense that they are hosted on public domains and anyone with an access to the Internet can stumble upon any website or blog listed therein. But, you, being a responsible, well discerning person, willingly stepped onto a personal blog or acc on which the owner was likely to present their own views, and started complaining about what you found there. Your statement implies, that you willingly browsed through the comment threads until the point you spotted these uncomfortable discussions and you voluntarily exposed yourself to the same.

My second point : "there were people in the replies talking about how seeing a "rape drawing" changed the way they consumed content and shipped things (they meant that they liked rape btw)"

I find it highly confusing how you generalised something as sensitive and complex as psychological behaviour on behalf of a bunch of strangers you never actually interacted with (or confirmed their views on the said matter) and proceeded to label them as "people who liked rape".

What does the statement "liking rape" mean anyway? And, does anyone who talk about or discusses rape, in the context of fanarts and fanfiction, and that too, "rape fantasy" in this case, (but I'll get to it in a moment) automatically becomes someone who likes the act? Or condones it happening in real life, to real people or situations? I'm curious as to which aspect of rape they talked about 'liking' (since your statement implies they explicitly stated so) : was it the pain, the trauma, the physical and psychological stress, or the violence and the sense of dominance over a helpless, real life person?

If you do have an answer supported by evidence, let me know, I'll modify my response gladly.

It brings me to my third point : these artists or the people who commented, were discussing, not about real life rape, but a fantasy situation in which they put two fictional characters together and made a fanart of them (the composition of the art in question is described in the conversation above).

Deriving pleasure from the actual act of rape or sexual violence is a pathological condition and needs medical or psychiatric treatment.

Deriving pleasure or indulging in paraphilic sexual fantasies, however, is not uncommon. I'll redirect you to @iamtrashforash 's post here that describes this issue more coherently. I'll also point you to articles written on PsychologyToday, based on research done on this specific topic of "Rape Fantasy" that I found, and I think everyone should have a look at them :

Article 1

Article 2

If I remember correctly, the actual comment I saw in the screenshot circulating around, regarding the controversy, went something along the lines of "I love seeing Ash's pained face in this situation", and that's what made people lose their minds. There was outrage over "How could you do that with Ash, a CSA survivor? It sends a bad message to them, it's triggering, it's disrespectful, you are disgusting, etc etc."

But, my own conversations with three people who are in real life CSA survivors, two of them who reached out to me in my DMs over the last two days, have given me a very different idea about what these people actually think regarding the art. Here's the hot take : they did not find it disturbing or offensive to themselves personally.

In fact, they pointed out, that they saw it as a fictional scenario, were well aware of the differences between the artist's intent and their potential real life behaviour (FYI, none of them drew the conclusion that either the artist or the people discussing it, "liked rape").

The fact that the comment threads were openly talking about indulging in such a fantasy is what seemed to baffle the more outspoken and outraged people, who proceeded to harass and send hate messages to the creators. But here's the fact : these fetishes have existed for as long as humanity has, and will continue to do so, regardless of whether you crucify a handful of people in a small corner of a fandom or not.

If you're familiar with the yaoi manga genre, or any adult erotica games (I can't cite any examples bc I don't have enough details, but I do know they exist), you'll find a plethora of works where all sorts of fantasy situations are presented : rape is fetishised, there's shape-shifters (vampires or otherwise), A/B/O dynamics, even bestiality. In other words, a major prevalence of themes like dominant, aggressive behaviour contrasted with helpless, passive behaviour as far as sexual situations go. And they are thriving. They have a huge pool of audience out in the world.

Whether these fetishes are "morally right or wrong" to indulge in, is not a question I have any authority to debate, because I'm not a clinical psychologist, or a behavioural scientist.

Personally speaking, I happen to be a demisexual person. Any discussion of sexual situations or scenarios outside of my own very narrow comfort zone or mental compatibility scares the shit out of me. And I find all of the above scenarios I described, as plainly unappealing and downright weird or scary. I will never, as long as I have my faculties in control, go out seeking any of them voluntarily, in either fanarts or fiction.

My point is, this is a complicated issue, I fully acknowledge that beforehand. We, as a fandom, got attached to Ash as a character, for so many different reasons. We all love him, respect him for standing up against all odds, and fighting against his fate all his life. That's the reason why the back-lash against these depictions got so violent, I think. People are more willing to see him heal, to see him make peace with his scars and move on. The general consensus with this line of thought was so ingrained in our minds, that people lashed out as soon as something "against the norms" and "potentially harmful" came to their notice.

But, the thing is, both these outcomes, are fictional. The fandom's biggest purpose is this : we weave fiction out of fiction itself. That's why we have fanarts and AUs and headcanons and a hundred other things. And different people will find different aspects of said fictional scenarios appealing. It's why we have so many ships on one hand and unfortunately, *ridiculous* ship-wars and toxic discourses on the other. But, it's okay to accept that there'll always be differences in such a wide space where everyone is coming together. It's okay to find content you don't agree with, and simply, move on.

But, I'll repeat myself : I'm not going to persecute people, who have carefully tagged, classified, and filtered their content, being mindful of the others in the fandom, and barge on their doors demanding "why they liked what they liked" and "how could they like such a thing??". Especially because it is fiction, involving fictional characters, separated from reality.

Had it been a real life discourse, involving actual people, I'd have definitely spoken out against it.

Also, to anon, if you find my views or ideas unpleasant, or find my completely sfw multifandom blog a safety hazard, then you're more than welcome to unfollow and block me. Your mental peace is all that I ask for. :)

#banana fish #analysis #discourse #bananafish #tw:rape #asks #anon #textposts #personal

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vacueabissi · 6 years ago

Note

3 from the unusual asks! Love ya mutual

Ok, this is the first time someone actually pay attention to one of the "asks game" posts I reblog and I was really surprised at first so...I don't know what to rant about. So I am just gonna write down some of the most recent thoughts I had.Since I finished high-school I literally gave myself up, I stopped caring about my health, about my priorities, I stopped trying to be in contact with my old friends, I stopped caring about my hobbies, I stopped writing the novel I wanted to write... I just... existed. Waking up everyday just to eat, read webtoons, reblog and scroll and like on this god forsaken site, then sleep again, for the whole fucking day. And my parents yelling at me didn't convince me enough to quit bullshitting and start getting back at my life. Then I sank even more deep when I misured my weight and I saw those fatal numbers that I fear with all my heart. So I stopped eating too, I stopped try to do anything, I only drunk water and eat salad, hoping it could help... That changed nothing at all. Some people on this site could start to send me hate for thinking like that but I was average my whole life and now I fear what could be of my body... I don't even care what others may think about me. I thought I battled depression, I believed I overcame it, but in the end, those intrusive thoughts and anxieties only changed shape. It sound even romantic written this way, I see. Anyway... I am not depressed like I was 6 months ago, at least I could control this. But still, everything else in my life is feeling so meaningless. Restarting to take care of me and my hobbies and going to run with my father to help my weight and health only helped me to refocus on whats really important. I don't even know I managed to take my life back into my hands in less than a week and starting this all over but I guess the how doesn't matter. And now I have a new, not mature enough, not strong yet, anxiety. I fear the future that I am going to face this autumn. I fear what's gonna happen to my life. Starting university and getting a part-time job will be the end of me as the human I am, and I haven't done a single thing that I promised my self to do 5 months ago but I have less and less time to do them and I can't find a way of doing them. I am trying to drown myself with animes and manga and tv series and webtoons and books but the truth is that I am not doing what I should really do.I am nearly 20 years old and I still haven't accomplished the things in my life that I wanted to do before getting too busy.But what really is keeping ne awake at night is the fact that I managed to not kill myself (or at least to fail at it) in the past 8 years of my life, since I always thought that I would have been dead before turning 18 and now I don't know what to do with the life I have in my hands and... this is not a true rant. I am still keeping things for my self, plus, I am too much self conscious to let my self go too much and rant how much I could...I am trying to be a better person, thought I still have some things to better shape in my life. I guess I am not hopeless in the end...Thank you for asking me this... I don't know if all that shit I mumbled about satisfy you enough... I feel like I reopened old windows into my mind that I closed because I fear what's behind them, I still fear them. I fear everything. I try to be as much brave and edgy as I can but deep inside, behind the angry crow I try to be, is hidden a scared little ball of fluff. I hope this whole mess makes sense.Well.... it's 2:08 am where I live... I should go to sleep and think less (if that is possible idk).Thanks for coming to my improvised therapy session, pals.Goodnight.

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89era · 6 years ago

Text

An open letter,

First of all, I just want to thank those who brought the catfishing situation to light yesterday. I might not have reacted in the best way possible but I have had time to mull this over during the past 24 hours. But mostly in this post I want to comment about something that has bothered me for a very long time prior to this, but was so unbelievably prominent yesterday.

Secondly, if any of the contents below make you angry or upset or outright bothers you, do what I say in this and just send me a message. I am always here to talk.

Thirdly, I don’t care about that ‘big blog small blog’ shit. None of that has anything to do with anything. Don’t pull ridiculous rebuttals such as this out of your ass - get creative.

Fourth, read the entire thing before you make an assumption. Open your mind.

Yesterday made me realise that a large chunk of this fandom is absolutely not tolerant at all. At first I was so upset, I felt like crying because I let it the situation and its repercussions get to me. I already knew about this intolerance though, but the tension online just made me sad and frustrated. In all honesty, shutting someone down without explaining is so unnecessary. All over my dashboard I had seen people in tears because mutuals had unfollowed them or their favourite blogs block them for just stating their opinion. If you can't sit down and have a discussion via dm, then what use are you? Not only to this online community but to further aspects of your life. [More under the cut].

Your actions online are just amplifications of who you truly are in real life. Your personalities are present here just as much, if not more, but in written form. If you go around shutting people out because someone disagrees with you, what does that tell you about the kind of person you are? You can so easily call someone out online with no emotion because you are almost anonymous. You have the freedom to do and say whatever you want. You can easily shut someone down with a click of a button. Although, instead I implore you all to open not only your eyes but your heart to understand what a person is saying. It takes two seconds to send a message about how you disagree with something and give constructive criticism... But why is it so hard for you guys to do it here?

Please be mature and tolerant about this situation. Some just don't understand the severity of the catfishing; so what good are you by cutting off a friendship just because they don't understand? Go talk to them instead of looking like a dickhead. So many of you who are doing this are not gaining anything at all, instead you're making people who considered you a friend to them devastated. A friendship on here might be the only form of friendship a person has, so be a little more empathetic.

Your toxicity is so unbelievably present on here, it’s unbearable to scroll through my dash the day after and pretend nothing is wrong. You are responsible for cutting off ties and making people feel intimidated. You are responsible for handling your shit in a messy way. You are responsible for dropping such a bomb as this, but not taking the time to explain in a nicer way. You are the problem. Not those who don’t understand. The whole entire fandom knows this, but your asses are just too blind to realise. You all may be old enough to know right from wrong, but your maturity on this site proves otherwise.

It’s so easy to handle situations like this in a negative way, word spreads quickly and shit flies out of control. It’s happened so many times over the duration of my time on here but yesterday really made me understand how fucked you all are. I know it will be so easy to let this entire situation unfold, then just let it blow over and pretend like nothing happened. But most of you have been alive long enough to know that just doing this in real life doesn't help the situation. I'm letting you know it's so easy to correct someone in a nice way. (Yes, past situations prove that I am a hypocrite by saying this. But I have had time to reflect over my previous behaviours).

I’m not asking you to change your entire personality. I’m asking you to stop being so small minded. I get it, you’re all liberal in politics but that doesn’t automatically make you an open-minded human being. Being open-minded covers all aspects of your life, and it takes time to train yourself to do so. But I ask you: in the future, just be nicer. It costs absolutely nothing to let a person know privately that their actions are wrong instead of embarrassing yourself.

If you got this far, thank you for reading. I still love you even if you have been the driving force behind this post. You can’t stop my love this easy. If you ever need to talk, I’ll always be here to listen. I hope this reaches you and makes an impact, I really do. I love you. Please be safe online, and a bit more tolerant and give constructive criticism to those who don’t understand. And please forgive me and others who have pissed you off.

Again, I love you and I forgive you.

(I think I’ve missed a few points, and I haven’t proof read this but eh)

#text #my heart is beating fast #I'm going to go and make a hot milo n a tim tam slam #ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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tehlaen · 7 years ago

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Day 8: “Magnetic Interference” (Morality)

Day 8 of the 30 Day Star Wars OC Challenge from @smuggler-captain that I’m doing with @lessdenied! Previous posts are tagged with #30dayswchallenge.

This is a bit of a deviation from the listed thing; the prompt for Day 8 is “Morality,” but I already touched on that a fair amount in previous entries. Instead, I decided to share a bit of fic that show-don’t-tells Teh’s morality in action.

(Also, I’m a day late and possibly a little rambly, thanks to the mind-fogging effects of head colds and the cold meds meant to make them bearable. So, ya know, be kind!)

The system didn’t even have a name, so far as Teh’laen could recall. Just a seemingly random sequence of letters and numbers that some bored surveyor had assigned it before hurrying to put the unremarkable collection of mostly stationary rocks behind them. Pretty much described every spacer’s feelings on it, she reflected. It was conveniently located just off the major hyperlanes that connected Hutt Space and the portions of the Galaxy still occupied by the reeling Sith Empire. Aside from its location and a seemingly endless supply of asteroids full of useful, if common, minerals, it had absolutely nothing else to recommend it. Ships dropped out of hyperspace, fueled up and resupplied, then put the ugly little system out of sight and out of mind.

Teh’laen hated it, but it was a reliable source of income for her, so once again, she found herself cruising through at a leisurely pace, one eye fixed on the long-range sensors. A couple of passenger liners. Tiny mining pods and their motherships—some belonging to conglomerates, others operated by wildcat miners. A heavy cargo hauler looked promising at first; she swung around, paralleling the transport at a distance that could be considered mildly suspicious, but not outright hostile.

“Essix, peek in the window; let’s see if they’re carrying anything good.”

The droid toodled an acknowledgement and went to work. The comm panel lit up as Essix, through the subspace array, spat out an electronic handshake. The other ship’s transponder answered automatically; unless the crew was particularly astute, they probably wouldn’t even have noticed that their ship’s computers were being pinged. Essix used the handshake to piggyback on the signal to slice into the ship’s mainframe.

Teh had paid out the nose for Essix’s slicing module—top-of-the-line, military-grade, the kind of thing that made planetary governments both envious and deeply uneasy. It had cost a small fortune, but it’d proven a worthy investment time and again. (And, if she was being honest, she couldn’t say no to Essix and adored spoiling the little rustbucket.) Bypassing the cargo ship’s firewall was child’s play, and data began streaming across a secondary monitor as Essix plundered their quarry’s files.

Teh’s lips curled down in a frown. Agricultural products, medical supplies, some heavy construction equipment and prefab structures...Its manifest was chock full of goods that were neither especially portable nor valuable, and certainly not at the ratio necessary to justify the risk and effort… or, for that matter, the ethical implications of stealing food, medicine and building supplies from people who probably needed it.

With a sigh, Teh’laen peeled off, increasing speed to clear the hauler’s comfort zone. If she wasn’t going to steal from them, there was no reason to hang out uncomfortably close and make the crew nervous.

Her wandering flightpath took her through the farther reaches of the system--close enough to scan ships dropping out of hyperspace, but not so close she had to worry about getting run over by some mega-transport like an insect on a speeder’s windscreen.

Her control board lit up and Essix bleated a warning; another ship apparently had had the same idea as she had and was prowling the vicinity.

Active scans, but no intrusion. Good.

Since they’d already been rude enough to hit the Yime’Dizoh with active scans--the spacecraft equivalent of bracketing her with a spotlight and scrutinizing her with macrobinoculars--she felt no compunction against returning the favor.

A three-dimensional mockup of the other craft sprang into existence, the results of her scans highlighted with orange and red arrows. Heavy weapons, reinforced shields, plenty of cargo capacity… She had a sinking feeling in her gut, and a glance at the ship’s registry confirmed it: It belonged to the Labor Alliance, the largest consortium of slavers in this region of space.

Both Teh’laen and the slavers altered their course in an unspoken, apparently mutual decision to leave each other be. Under other circumstances, this sort of detente could have been construed as professional courtesy; on those occasions when she and another thief had bumped into one another while targeting the same mark (a situation that occurred more often than one might think), they almost always came to a similar arrangement and went their separate ways.

By now, the slavers would have had time to make their own assessment of Teh’laen’s ship and its decidedly atypical outfitting, and they had likely come to the (accurate) conclusion that she was a pirate, engaged in similar activities to theirs. She suspected that they let her be as part of that unspoken professional courtesy... In the Twi’lek’s experience, slavers often saw themselves as pirates specializing in a very particular commodity; their counterparts rarely appreciated the comparison, and Teh was most definitely among those who resented any such equivalence. Thief, sure; slaver, never.

On Teh’s part, at least, the decision not to attack was purely pragmatic; she relished the idea of erasing a few slavers from existence. But the two ships were probably evenly matched, which made the potential conflict decidedly not to her liking.

“Essix, keep an eye on them; lemme know if they do anything interesting.”

The droid chirped an affirmative, and a little halo surrounded its blip on her sensor readout as Essix tagged it.

Another ship dropped out of hyperspace and Teh glanced at the sensor readout. What she saw elicited a grimace: a decrepit medium freighter, with weak shields and engines that looked to have been cobbled together in a junkyard.

“Faithful of Bezhil, huh? I dunno what a ‘Bezhil’ is.” She glanced at Essix questioningly, and the droid chirped in agreement. He, apparently, had no idea either. “Alright, this is almost certainly a waste of time, but check it anyway.”

Essix repeated his feat, slicing into the Faithful of Bezhil’s computers effortlessly. The manifest scrolled across her screen; as expected, nothing but passengers.

“I’m going to assume that they’re not passengers worth robbing,” Teh said dryly as she looked at Essix. “Nobody would choose to travel on that piece of junk if they could afford not to.”

A strobing flash out of the corner of her eye drew her attention to the sensor readout; the icon representing the slaver ship had changed course and was set to intercept the Faithful.

Oh, shit.

Teh’laen chewed on her bottom lip as the slavers came up on their target’s stern and roared past with barely five hundred meters separating them. The pilot of the passenger ship goosed the throttle, and it lurched forward. Even an idiot could tell that there was no way the Faithful could outrun the slavers; even with its burst of speed, it crawled like a drunken Hutt in comparison to the raider that had it in its sights.

The slaver vessel pulled up in a lazy loop, then dove at the passenger ship, laser cannons blazing. Hard light chewed through the weak shields like a blowtorch through butter.

“Unidentified ship, this is the passenger ship Faithful of Bezhil!” Teh cursed as the panicked shout of the transport’s pilot blared through her earpiece. “Please, we are unarmed, break off your attack!”

Unsurprisingly, their pleas did not have the desired effect; a second strafing run, this time with ion cannons, left the transport drifting, its vital systems disabled or destroyed. Its subspace comm array, at least, was still functional: “I repeat, we are unarmed! We are transporting religious pilgrims on a holy voyage, we have no valuables to steal!”

Teh’laen glanced at her comm panel. The stricken vessel was broadcasting on an open channel--either because the pilot had flailed at their console in a panic, or as a calculated ploy to beg assistance from any vessels within comm range.

If they’re betting on charity in this part of space, they are sadly mistaken, Teh’laen thought to herself. And yet…

She sighed and brought the Yime’Dizoh around in a lazy loop. Essix trilled a question at her, and she didn’t bother glancing over as she answered. “Yeah, I know. Just be ready.”

With its shields and engines disabled, the pilgrims’ ship floated, helpless, as the slavers grappled and docked at the port airlock. Teh kept her eyes on the controls and the holographic mockup of the slaver ship and steadfastly refused to contemplate what was happening aboard the Faithful.

The Yime’Dizoh orbited the two joined vessels, just out of weapons range of the slaver ship. Coupled to its quarry like this, it couldn’t bring most of its armament to bear even if Teh’laen’s vessel was in range, though a couple of turrets tracked her as she flew past.

Her scanners swept the attackers and she started to formulate a plan of attack. Slavers were a predictable bunch, and this crew was apparently no different. The raider’s shields and weaponry were top of the line, but the people making the purchasing decisions didn’t bother to consider less straightforward angles of attack. The ship’s electronic-warfare and countermeasures suite was hopelessly, hilariously outdated by modern standards.

Teh’laen’s lips parted in a predatory grin, baring gleaming, sharply pointed teeth. “Essix? Let’s have some fun.”

As expected, Teh’laen and Essix quite enjoyed what followed, and the slavers--likewise according to Teh’s expectations--most definitely did not. With the Yime’Dizoh docked to the Faithful’s starboard airlock and thus shielded from the slavers’ weapons by the transport’s bulk, and with unfettered access to the slavers’ electronic systems, the confrontation was over in a matter of minutes.

Seated in her ship’s lounge, booted feet kicked up on the holotable and munching contentedly on a slice of beto melon she’d found in the galley, Teh’laen’s fingers flicked casually over the simulated control panel that Essix projected for her. Opening and closing the correct blast doors in the correct sequence shot most of the slavers out into vacuum before they even realized what was happening. By the time a couple of the brighter slavers--contradiction in terms, that--caught on, they were cut off from their ship. One grabbed a hostage, hauling him by his long, braided hair through the corridors, trusting that his unseen assailant wouldn’t space both attacker and victim. Which, Teh had to admit, was true.

That said, she reflected, if one were counting on a hostage to save one’s life, best to keep that hostage close and not drag them along a corridor with one’s arm outstretched. Particularly when a slicer had control of the blast doors and hatchways.

When she’d finished, the only trace of the slavers still aboard the pilgrim ship was a length of the late hostage-taker’s arm, severed just above the elbow. The hostage was having a fit; but, she thought to herself, better to be having a fit on this side of the airlock.

Teh’laen rose to feet, double-checking the charge on her blaster as she strolled to her ship’s airlock. “C’mon, Essix, let’s go clean up.”

The droid toodled at her derisively and she smirked. “Not literally. These poor fools want the blood mopped up, they can do it themselves.”

The Faithful of Bezhil was a mess. Passengers from more than a dozen different species sat, slumped or lay about in varying states of distress. Their clothes were rough, almost certainly hand-made, and their possessions were few and strictly of sentimental value.

“Vow of poverty, I guess,” she remarked dryly to no one in particular as she picked her way carefully among the pilgrims. They looked up at her with expressions ranging from guarded optimism to gratitude to mortal terror to near reverence, and it was the last that she found most discomfiting.

None of them had any symbols indicating rank, and since their clothes were uniformly shabby, she couldn’t even rely on the otherwise universal rule of “better clothes, higher status.”

She sighed and opened her arms, careful not to accidentally point the blaster held loosely in her right hand at any of the already traumatized passengers. “Anybody want to tell me who’s in charge or what the hell’s going on here?”

Faces turned in the direction of an old Zabrak, the tattoos on his face faded with age and the horns atop his head weathered and chipped. He gave Teh’laen a warm smile and stepped forward, holding out both of his hands to take hers.

She didn’t oblige, instead planting her left hand on her hip and letting her right arm dangle by her side, blaster pointed at the floor. “You in charge?” she asked coolly, one eyebrow arched.

He smiled and Teh’laen’s eyes tightened. “Our deity, the Great Consciousness Bezhil, is who’s ‘in charge’ here, Captain, as They are in all aspects of our lives.”

Fucking great. A sermon. No good deed, huh?

Teh’laen holstered her weapon with perhaps more force than was necessary and crossed her arms over her chest. “Fantastic. So can I talk to Bezhil? Or is there someone a little more corporeal that I can have a little chat with.”

A startled murmur rose from the Zabrak’s congregation and Teh set her jaw. Showing more sense than she would have thought, he bowed his head politely. “I suppose that would be me. My name is Hagen and I lead this group of adherents.”

Teh’laen glanced about, scanning faces, then returned her gaze to Hagen. “Okay. That answers my first question. My second question, though, still stands.”

The beneficent smile on the old man’s lips faded somewhat. “I apologize, Captain. What question was that?”

She sighed heavily. “What the hell is going on here? More to the point, what the hell were you thinking, traipsing through one of the most dangerous regions of space in a ship that, if I hadn’t personally seen it drop out of hyperspace, I would have mistaken for space junk?”

His smile grew again, and Teh’laen couldn’t fully keep the scowl off her own face. “Ah. As I said, we are pilgrims. This,” he waved around, indicating his flock and their vessel, “is but a test of our faith. In search of the enlightenment that will make us one with The Great Consciousness Bezhil, we travel the stars, trusting in Them to watch over us and provide what we need.”

“Right,” she replied dryly.

“Because we rely strictly on Their largesse, we do not keep any but the most rudimentary supplies on hand. Truth be told, I am not certain why those pirates attacked us; as we tried several times to explain, both before and after they boarded our humble ship, we have nothing of value to steal.”

“Idiot,” Teh ground out between her teeth.

Hagen looked at her with eyes wide, and shocked gasps came from the pilgrims closest to them. “I beg your pardon?”

“They weren’t pirates, you stupid bastards.” Her voice was less a recrimination than a dejected sigh, disappointed in their naivete. “They were slavers. They weren’t after credits or jewelry. You’re all poor, but the one thing they want, you possess in abundance.”

An expression of horror dawned on Hagen’s face and dozens of voices began to shout over one another. Teh’laen stood there, arms crossed, until the cacophony diminished.

The group’s leader recovered his composure first, and he bowed his head toward her. “Then we are doubly grateful for your assistance, Captain. Truly, Bezhil has rewarded our faith with protection.”

The Lethan Twi’lek shifted her weight from one foot to the other, losing patience. “Maybe next time you should ask Bezhil for blaster cannons, deflector shields and engines that actually work.”

Hagen’s smile turned almost to a smirk, and Teh’s hands tightened on her arms to keep herself from reaching out and slapping it off his face. “No need, Captain. They sent us you.”

That does it.

Teh’laen lunged forward, grabbing the shoulders of Hagen’s roughspun tunic and bunching the fabric up in her fists. “Are you stupid?” she spat. “Your god didn’t send me. I’m a pirate. The only reason they took your ship instead of me is because you’re poor and don’t have anything I feel like taking from you.”

The look of panic on his face set off a guilty twinge in the back of her mind, but she didn’t let it show on her face. Good. Maybe he’ll realize that he can’t count on someone coming along to save him and his friends.

She released her grip and took a step back, then turned in a slow circle to take in the other pilgrims. “I scanned the damage to your ship; it’ll take a day or more to get your engines operational, and at least that long for shields. If it’s even possible to repair this thing. I’m not sticking around that long. I’ll be leaving in a little under two hours; anyone wants a ride, I suggest you be at the starboard airlock before I return. Only what you can carry. Though,” she added after a moment, “I guess that shouldn’t be a problem--vow of poverty and all.”

The quiet ripple of laughter heartened her, and she looked at Hagen. “Anyone injured?”

He shook his head. “Not seriously. We have medicine enough to treat them.”

“Good. I’ll be back.”

The slavers had been busy.

Teh’laen focused on the task. She refused to count the beings crammed into the hold, or speculate at their ages, or think about their injuries beyond what sort of treatment they’d require and whether she could provide it.

The controls for the shockcollars affixed to their necks was a closed circuit, not linked into the ship’s other systems, but once she and Essix had physical access to it, the droid’s slicing protocols made quick work of them.

Her voice was softer, but still briskly professional, as she swept her eyes over the freed slaves. “I’ll be leaving shortly. If you’d rather not stick around, you can get a ride to some place with a medical facility, maybe even a Republic embassy. I can’t promise th….”

She trailed off as she spotted a Devaronian near the very back. Something was off about him; Teh’laen’s eyes narrowed to slits of amethyst and she pushed through the crowd to face him. He cringed and shied away from her.

Too clean. That was it. She grabbed one of the Devaronian’s horns with one hand, wrenching his head around so that her other hand could pull down the neck of his freshly-laundered shirt.

“No shockcollar, hmm?” Her scarlet lips, pressed into a thin line, paled to a sickly pink.

“N-no, they j-j-just captured me!”

“Uh huh.” Teh let go of him and he straightened his shirt, looking around warily at the freed slaves starting to press in upon them.

A small vibroblade dropped into her palm with a flick of her wrist, and she reached up and rent the fabric from navel to collarbone.

The Devaronian clutched the ruined cloth around him, trying desperately--and futilely--to conceal the tattoos that marked him as a proud member of the Labor Alliance.

Teh’laen regarded him coolly. The former captives watched their former captor with bloodlust, but they glanced at the tall Twi’lek before they made any move.

She shifted her weight to one hip, holding one elbow in the palm of her hand as she inspected her nails with studied indifference.

“Hm.”

Nearly a hundred eyes stared at her.

“I’m leaving shortly,” she remarked offhandedly, then turned for the hatch. “Make it fast.”

#my writing #teh'laen #essix #space piracy #swtor #swtor oc #30dayswchallenge

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asklotarasarrin · 7 years ago

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Getting Started Role Playing

I’ve had a number of asks on this topic over the years, and rather than retyping the same thing repeatedly, I’m gonna try and collect my thoughts on how to go about this. All of this is assuming you’re on desktop; mobile makes some things a little more difficult. Feel free to add to this; I’m sure there’s things I’m forgetting.

Warning: Long Post!

First things first: Preparation

Get your blog in order

Create a character bio - This should include character name, a description, and a background. If your character is a canon character, then it’s not so bad to forego this, but I think it’s a good idea even for canon characters, as not everyone is going to be familiar with every single character in a universe.

Put a short explanation of the blog in the blog header - This is like a pitch or an introduction to what your blog is about. This should indicate you’re an RP blog, who you RP(if you have multiple muses on the blog, I think it’s okay to just say ‘multiple OCs’ or ‘multiple muses’), and maybe the universe your muse is from. Some blogs also include if they’re selective or not, multi-ship or not, open to cross-over/multiverse or not, etc, but not nearly as necessary.

Rules page - not necessary, but sometimes helpful if you have any particular things, such as being unwilling to RP smut, or you have some triggers/sensitive topics that you aren’t will to do, etc.

Make sure your inbox is open - Seems silly, but I forget this one frequently when I’m making a new blog. Check other blog settings as well- (submissions, anon, etc)

Follow other blogs - This seems obvious, but it is key. Follow other blogs you want to RP with! Find others from the universe your muses are set in. Do take the time to read their bios and rules pages, if they have any.

Write an Introduction post - Not everyone does this, but I think it’s very helpful. It should be a SHORT post, in or out of character. Many blogs are disinclined to reblog long intro posts because people instinctively skip over walls of text.

Reblog RP memes - The Intro post will help generate interest, the RP memes make it easy to break the ice.

Next Step: Getting Out There

Provided you have taken the time to read other people’s rules and bios, reach out!

If they’ve reblogged memes you are interested in, send an ask with that meme - These are GREAT icebreakers so you can get started with relatively low effort. Friendly reminder: Read the meme carefully. Typically the meme has some form of explanation or instruction in it, and it is very frustrating when someone sends in a meme when they clearly did not bother to actually read what it’s about.

Use the messenger to ask to plot - Sometimes blogs don’t post memes often, or they reblog memes that don’t quite work for your character. Politely ask to plot. Try to come with ideas. It can be frustrating when someone comes to you wanting to plot but has NO idea about what to do. I personally will frequently take premises from memes I like and adjust them as necessary.

Open starters - Alternative to memes, sometimes blogs will post ‘open starters’. These are usually open ended in-character posts that other role players can reply to. It isn’t a bad idea to post your own open starters either, if you’re feeling up for it. Note: Generally speaking, open starters once taken by someone are not available for additional role players unless otherwise noted in the tags. If you like an open starter that has already been taken, you can also use the messenger to ask if you can also get in on that. Many RP bloggers use thread trackers, so the starter would need to be copied to a new post before beginning RP.

Important Notes: Etiquette

There are a number of rules and behaviors that are important to keep in mind, some obvious, some not so much. In no particular order.

Patience - This is my number one thing. RPers come from all walks of life- full-time students and career people, big and small families, personal struggles, different time zones, language barriers abound. And Tumblr is not a well programmed website, so notifications don’t pop up, or get buried under other things. So don’t panic if people don’t immediately reply. Don’t be rude when following up after a reasonable amount of time has passed. Give people the opportunity to measure their replies to you.

Try to keep your In Character and Out of Character clear/separate - Some RP blogs are actually a mishmash of personal and roleplay. Many blogs indicate in the tags or with markings of some form(the most common being ‘//’ slashes or () parentheses). It can be confusing for people without these markers.

Do not reblog RPs you are not involved in - This is a personal pet peeve. RP posts are often only snippets of the overall story, and when reblogged it is taken out of context. The other problem is it adds notifications to a thread that aren’t from the partner, and can be confusing. RPThreadTracker doesn’t have a problem with it, but other forms of tracking can struggle.

Respect and ‘Don’t like Don’t follow’ - universes big and small, OCs and Canon Characters over the top and from humble beginnings, we’re all here to have a good time. You’re not going to like every mun or muse you come across. Not every other blog is going to like you or your muse. People talk shit about self-inserts, teenage OCs, people who like to RP almost exclusively smut, and myriad of other things. But those muns are doing things that make them happy. And you don’t get to control what other people do. If you don’t like it, don’t follow. Don’t RP with them. Let it go.

Self Care - This is part of a larger topic and related to the above bullet point, but important to at least touch on. Not everyone who RPs is well or good. This is meant to be fun. So if you are stressed out or overwhelmed by an RP partner or thread for whatever reason, talk to your partner about it. If they do not respect your requests or needs, then it would be better to not RP with them. There are people who struggle with a myriad of health and situational issues. You will at one time or another meet people who will insist you cater to their every whim, try to control you and your muse. Block these people.

Read tags - This may not seem like an etiquette thing, but this is important. Some people communicate extensively this way. It will help to prevent communication errors.

Read More - use the read more function for NSFW threads. It’s the [...] at the end of the options bar

Tagging - Tag NSFW, triggering content, and anything else you think appropriate. I also try to tag my different verses, my in character and out of character posts, etc.

Trim Your Posts - This is hard to do on mobile, but necessary. When a post has many reblogs, it can be tedious to scroll past. Trimming them/cropping them makes a big difference. [Link here for a tutorial on how to trim - Browser]

Mun and Muse Knowledge [Meta Gaming] - There maybe things your character does not know, and cannot know, that you know. Remember to keep the distinction. Nothing kills my desire to RP with someone than their character somehow reading my character’s thoughts.

Controlling other Characters [God Modding] - You control your character. Your partner controls theirs. You don’t control if they get hit by a punch, if they dodge, if they punch back. It’s part of the give and take.

Drive the Story - Role Playing is joint story telling. Don’t put all the burden if directing where the story goes on your partner. Give your partner something to react to, to build on. If you only ever give one sentence replies, it’s going to get tedious fast.

Other Tips and Tricks

I am a big fan of XKit, a browser addon that makes Tumbling much easier for RPers. [Link here!] The specific functions that are most helpful are Editable Reblogs and One Click Reply. Editable reblogs makes it far easier to trim in post. One Click Reply makes it possible to reply to comments and other notification forms.

In addition to those two, I also like to use the Blacklist, and Post Block functions. Some RPers or topics I particularly cannot stand, so I use Blacklist to keep them from my dash. Post Block is great for those discourse posts and individual RP threads that just squick you out for whatever reason.

I also am easily lost and confused by the innumerable notifications I get on the daily, so it became very important for me to use a website called RPThreadTracker. I highly recommend it, as I occasionally have threads that don’t get replied to for weeks. They also have an add-on button so you can click to add a thread to your list quickly and easily.

Terms

There is a bit of a jargon with this. Sorry if it’s been confusing thus-far!

Mun - the writer behind the blog

Muse - the fictional character, the character

IC/OOC - In Character / Out of Character

OC - Original Character

Thread - the roleplay, the chain of posts making up the story

Selective/Semi-Selective/Private/Mutuals Only - This is often in a blog header - indicates how picky the mun is about selecting RP partners and threads. Read their rules. Respect their decisions to RP or not to RP.

Multi-verse - Indicates the blog is open to threads outside of their designated universe. (IE, my Warhammer character being willing to RP with an Overwatch character). It is advisable to message the mun to hash out the details.

DM or PM - Direct message or private message. Both indicate the tumblr message system.

AU - Alternate Universe. Indicates a deviation from the traditional universe.

#tutorial #long post #how to get started RPing #out of command

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detrevniwrit · 7 years ago

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re: kacchako is bad (responses)

oh my god I'm going to answer all of these in one post because it’s been a freaking long day and i have no desire to answer each individual permutation of the same sentiments over and over again

read more this time bc it didn’t seem clear enough last time by the bolded ‘kacchako is bad title’ that you can scroll past if you’re sensitive to criticism because this is a criticism of kacchako.

Concern:

Don’t tag it in the ship tag if it’s hate! Just blacklist it if it bothers you so much. People can ship it if they want, don’t be mean/an asshole! :(

Answer:

I can't believe I'm getting "let people ship what they want don't spread hate it's never worth it" msgs in this year of our lord 2017. Don't moralize down to me about spreading hate and quit acting as if I went into people’s inboxes to harass and specifically be mean to them. I used the tag, yes, but I did it to bring kacchako fans’ attention to legitimate concerns I have about the ship’s consequences, and I made my opinion very explicit in the bolded title of the post so people can scroll past if they’re sensitive. I thought it was worth the risk to my sanity to make sure that people who aren't as sensitive to criticism won’t just ignore that there are important issues with kacchako because it’s easier, or because they just don’t know/never thought about it. (I’m now partially feeling it wasn’t worth it, but determined to stand by my points)

Concern:

I think kacchako is fine and I don’t defend abuse! I just imagine them in a place where Bakugou is grown up and not abusive anymore and Ochako doesn’t take that shit!

Answer:

It has occurred to me that it’s rarely anyone’s intention to support abuse, which is why I bothered to write the original post at all. To reiterate my argument so I don’t get confused ‘kacchako is not abusive’s in my inbox, I’m not saying that kacchako is inherently abusive. I’m saying that as Izuku’s friend, Ochako wouldn’t be motivated to date Bakugou specifically because he bullies Izuku and has abusive tendencies towards her friend, and because she’s someone who cares about Izuku’s wellbeing she wouldn’t be interested in someone who continues to unapologetically treat Izuku like that.

There is no ‘she secretly likes Bakugou’ right now, or vice versa. She just wants to catch up to Izuku. And Bakugou does not respect her more than he sees her as a threat.

To the reimagining future Bakugou part: again, I doubt anyone has the intention to erase Izuku’s experience as a victim of Bakugou’s bullying. I’m saying that no one writes Bakugou changing from a bully into a better person respectfully or realistically. Most interpret Bakugou’s one interaction with Ochako (in which he considers her a legitimate threat to beat) as an indicator of Bakugou beginning to change because of Ochako, even if after this interaction he’s still only interested in winning and dominating over others and if people are potentially in his way.

Let me give you a definition of domestic abuse (my bolding):

"domestic abuse occurs whenever one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t ‘play fair.’ Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.”

All kacchako shippers imagine a future Bakugou as someone who automatically deserves forgiveness for not being an asshole anymore, most likely due to Ochako keeping him in line, and not a single one has been able to describe, in informed detail, about how hard it is to change abusive behavior.

“In discussing why abusers abuse, it’s clear that a lot of the causal factors behind these behaviors are learned attitudes and feelings of entitlement and privilege — which can be extremely difficult to truly change. [...] While we hope abusive partners will change, it’s not always realistic to expect that they can and will. Focus on changes you can control to improve your own life, because you deserved to feel loved, happy and safe.”

Signs of progress of changing abusive behavior include (some bolded for what I think kacchako shippers particularly don’t take into account often when characterizing future Bakugou):

Admitting fully to what they have done

Stopping excuses and blaming

Making amends

Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice

Identifying patterns of controlling behavior they use

Identifying the attitudes that drive their abuse

Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process — not declaring themselves “cured”

Not demanding credit for improvements they’ve made

Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so it’s not a big deal)

Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors

Carrying their weight and sharing power

Changing how they respond to their partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances

Changing how they act in heated conflicts

Accepting the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them)

Making Bakugou an adult does not change that you need to write him checking his abusive behavior.

Concern:

But Bakugou has changed at this point in the manga---he and Izuku now have an understanding of trust and respect.

Answer:

Bakugou has only demonstrated one instance that he could be changing. Though change for Bakugou is a good and decidedly difficult feat, one instance does not an abusive pattern break.

Let me direct you to the classic cycle of abuse by psychologist Lenore Walker, with helpful manga caps from Ch. 117-121:

1) Tension building phase

2) Acute battering phase (in which Izuku absolutely does not want to fight at first until he feels obligated to)

3) Honeymoon phase

“The abuse may be terrible, but the promises and generosity of the honeymoon phase give the victim the false belief that everything will be all right.”

Secondly, to the aforementioned abuse-changing bullets Bakugou has not achieved up to after he’s fought with Izuku Ch. 117-121:

Admitting fully to what they have done

Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice

Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process — not declaring themselves “cured”

Thirdly, to what he is beginning to do

Stopping excuses and blaming

Carrying their weight and sharing power

I concede that Bakugou is making steps towards change because he is a hardheaded egoistic teenager who up to this point hadn’t offered help out of his own volition. But if you’re taking this as a sign that he’s anywhere near lasting and permanent change, even years from now---I almost literally just wrote a foot of text and references as to why that isn’t realistic or respectful towards the realities of abusive behavior. Please realize you are likely oversimplifying his path towards change.

Concern:

Not all kacchako shippers are like that! I know (insert fanworks here) that are respectful, good, etc,

Answer:

Show me. I’m more than willing to take a look and then give you my detailed opinion afterwards, if you’d like.

Concern:

I’m not trying to force a het agenda, I just like the dynamic.

Answer:

I mentioned before that people may not realize their intentions don’t match up with consequences. I just wrote more than 2 hours worth explaining why kacchako doesn’t have a sensical basis for a good relationship and am considering just passing out on the spot right at this moment in sheer exhaustion. I’m just going to post screenshots that actually do have the aforementioned good qualities and ask politely that you consider these respective Ochako and Katsuki ships, instead of kacchako het, which endorses a contrived relationship over not straight ones that actually have a basis of mutual affection in canon:

Fuck, if you really really want to ship Uraraka with a guy Iida and/or Midoriya have plenty of shared affection and solid relationships with her, I trust you don’t need me to screen cap to know that.

Concern:

If Bakugou is so problematic, wouldn’t any ship with him be problematic (including kiribaku)?

Answer:

Finally a good question. I would say yes and no. Yes, because if you’re a survivor of abuse it’s perfectly valid and understandable not to want to think about Bakugou and his potential romantic partners at all. No, for a variety of reasons, using kiribaku as an example:

a) Bakugou and Kirishima are established friends with a relatively healthy, mutual relationship. Bakugou has a foul temper but he’s not abusive towards Kirishima, even going out of his way to---admittedly badly---help him study (above caps from the manga and light novel); Kirishima admires Bakugou, finds positive qualities in their friendship, and isn’t cowed, wary, or disgusted by him, like Ochako or Izuku and many others are. tl;dr, there is plenty of solid evidence to back up the mutual affection, respect, and trust between them, something that kacchako and---god forbid---bakudeku lack.

It’s actually good for Bakugou to learn how to develop uncontrolling behaviors through healthy relationships where he doesn't feel the need to dominate over his partner. He can’t do this with Ochako, with whom he regards as nonexistent at best, and a threat to him as Izuku’s lackey at worst (I discussed this in detail further up). Referring back to the changing abusive behavior list, Bakugou’s relationship with Kirishima demonstrates that Bakugou can learn a) respectful, kind, supportive behaviors and b) carrying weight and sharing power. This doesn’t justify how Bakugou treats others, but it does facilitate a view of how Bakugou would be able to treat others better, which I think is worth exploring.

Concern:

Why do you care so much? People ship bad/problematic stuff all the time lol there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Just let it be or blacklist it or something??

Answer:

I’m maybe foolishly invested in the idea that some people don’t have to be like that when they’re informed and engaged in critical discourse, and well fuck I have time and resources and have already started two godamned things this weekend with fandom out of probably masochistic impulses, so why the fuck not.

Just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean I’m here to attack people or be unwilling to talk to them about it---rather, I’m more concerned that people are so unwillingly to talk about why the things they like isn’t good??

Kacchako is just one instance. I can provide a lot more examples of this kind of behavior in different areas of interest, in detail, with plenty of support and reasons, over private message. Otherwise, I’m not interested in making a detailed -post- of examples of bad kacchakos because honestly, I’ve already spent a lot of my time writing this when I could be discussing more pressing issues. The downsides of hyper focus.

On that note, forgive me if I don’t immediately respond to further replies any time soon after this post. After more than 10 messages that entirely missed the point I’ve exhausted myself thinking people could put aside their first impulses and self-indulgences to maybe formulate better opinions on tumblr.com, rather than sending me vague, misinformed, and/or childishly defensive insults that don’t actually tell me I’m wrong.

#bnha #kacchako #abuse mention /#long post #super fucking long #any more replies will be directed to this post unless theres actually something new for someone to tell me #13 pages of irritation and hyper focus and meticulous attention to detail

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