#music means SO much to me i cant just not use it
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Would you prefer if I A: kept music that the y/ngineer sings/plays in the fic to be kept vague so you can slot in songs that YOU like B: Use specific songs but dont add any lyrics into the chapter C: Go nuts and let the characters acknowledge the lyrics & the meaning behind them
#polls#not adding music isnt an option#bc this fic is meant to be fun and silly and camp and theres nothing I find more fun than using music to bring characters together#music means SO much to me i cant just not use it#but ik that i personally hate it when fics use songs I dont know and just stick the lyrics in#but on the other hand it only annoys me when its the dca singing#bc have u heard his voice he CANNOT sing hsdgs
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number #1 tactic that people use to not sound as racist as they are when they talk to black people: 'uhh so you AMERICANS need to stop pretending everything is about YOU. why should i know this im not from the us :/' (= is talking about like. a phenomenally internationally well-known black artist)
#myposts#kendrick lamar#drake#i updated it from 'white europeans' to 'people' because some people pointed out that 'gringo' is probably more south american lingo#but the point i wanted to make is like. there is this subset of european people (quite a lot of them)#who try to deflect by saying them not knowing these things isn't because of an active lack of disinterest in black culture and influences#and like. them not knowing who a certain black person is is never an educational failing on their side of any sorts#but instead are pretending that like. they are by virtue of being european always correctly educated on What History And Art Is Important#like. 2 months back that one post pretending that 'us europeans dont need to know all your AMERICAN writers 🙄' talking about james baldwin?#like just because that person didnt know who james baldwin was#they immediately were mad at the implication that They Didn't Know Someone Of Cultural Significance#and twisted it into 'well he cant be that important by virtue of me not knowing him'#like completely ignoring that the european school system also has. race problems and also ignoring that he lived and wrote in France too#but like. its this really racist defence mechanism of like. 'well you stupid americans always make everything about yourselves'#i hope i make sense i didnt think this would blow up lol#and like some people in the notes of that post were so smug about not knowing who Kendrick Lamar is#bc to them thats like 'oh im too cultured to be listening to rap of any sorts' like completely dismissing his music as kind of second class#by virtue of it being rap and black music and him not being in the White Mainstream as much as other musicians#(i mean hes still like 24th most listened artist worldwide but you get what i mean)
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new jash twitter photo :0
[photo for ones who do not have the app]
#cant believe bro is flexing the he's going into 2024 before most of us smh/j#also i love the lil smiley#just a :)#jokes aside this has been a wild year for me both positively & negatively but these songs have help so so much on both ends#an I'm glad dudes having fun still makin em#cant believe he blinked for the photo tho like wow. NO effort into this[/j ofc]#this is how i compliment people okay#if im confident enough to “insult” you that means i think you're a neat swell person :}#chonny jash#moss post#im far into the tags now so like#again i mean this in the MOST aroace way possible but man he's so pretty dude#also gender envious a bit#bro is very pretty & i wanna look that pretty#okay im shush now but#wild year for me & music is very helpful for mental stuff#i say this knowing his minecraft sheesh cover exists but like#it was a very emotional piece okay ❤/j
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i've also realized that there is no therapy that can fix what's broken inside of me
#therapy wont give me a place to belong. a person to call my home.#therapy where i sit and talk about how all i want is to love and be loved and i'll never feel whole without it wont solve anything#guess i just need to study and get an education for a job that i think i could be capable of#and then distract myself with books and shows and nature#the problem is that loneliness permeates my every cell and my every moment and being#im losing interest in humanity and society#literature is barely even interesting to me anymore bc i feel so fkn far away from humanity#and what makes u human.. that i cant connect with any of what i try to consume#i just... dont care. music doesnt even do anything for me anymore#i feel so numb in one way#but also i often feel like im panicking. how is this possible? how did i end up here?#im like actually fading away from this earth and it sometimes feels like#it wont even matter if i do#what is trying to take ahold of me and stop me from fading....?#idec anymore. even if i do get a job and an apartment i'll still be empty bc all i want is. smth i can never have? is that really how it is#i dont even require that much#that is what is so .. terrible almost#i just want one connection that is special to us both. smth close smth deep smth that i can pour everything into#i look around and almost everyone have more than one person even by them.... what did i do wrong?#i must've done smth very very wrong from the start to even end up here#it doesnt matter. i fade and i fade and i fade... i think i will keep doing so#because no matter how much other ppl - ppl who themselves have love and closeness in their lives. who have friends and partners and family.#no matter how much they parrot empty lines of 'learn how to be alone!!' 'life can be whole and fulfilled even alone' ..#i dont want that. i really dont. deep in my soul i do not want that#so their words are completely... condescending even. yes i CAN do all of that. i mean fuck#i am surviving feeling alone more than most of them are since they have ppl around them lmao#but i just dont want it. i am a person meant for a deep connection... i dont even need it with multiple people#without that i feel like i am dying and nothing else matters#besides i know it's possible bc i have felt that with a person at this time of my life#so i know that it's not smth distant or unachievable... it does exist and i want it bc it's the only thing that made me
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do i really want to make individual drinks again
#reaching back into the file cabinets of my mind to remember how i made certain drinks when i worked at the cafe#in preparation for the possibility of this new job#it would certainly mean far less goofing off time than i have at my current job. and i value my goofing off time dearly#but the people here are so fucking annoying lmao. i hate them soooo much#not that the people at this new job would be any better. we're still dealing with investment bankers#godddddd. what i really would want (which would be impossible)#would be to go back to working at the cafe but like. still have paid time off and insurance lmao#but the cafe was a small business and he was not offering paid time off and insurance. and the pay was way less#but i did get to play whatever music i wanted. unfortunately you cant live on that#like i can always say no to this new job if its offered to me. but is my goofing off time worth:#2 dollars less in pay and a half hour to an hour's more commute. well i dont know#a shorter commute would mean i could sleep more. and have more time at home .#i mean i probably don't Need all this goofing off time. but its nice#i dont knowwwwwww#like even though im a bit nervous abt doing it again i know that i would easily fall back into the routine of making drinks#which i was fairly good at. my one drawback is that i cant do latte art but i dont know that theyd really care here#and (because i found the menu of where id work) theres not a ton of drink options?? just the standard stuff#its being called a starbucks cafe but 1) its not managed by them and 2) it does not have their 5 billion drink options#so thats good. less to worry about#doesnt look like i even have to make anything foodwise which i had to at the cafe#here it looks like people can just buy a pastry and thats it#the hours are like. the same i work now. also good#sorry im like using this post to think through my thoughts.#uhhhh oh i looked up the manager who looks like a weenie so im not keen on the prospect of interviewing with him#but i probably would have thought that about my current manager if id seen a pic of him prior to interviewing. i guess???#and with these kind of catering units it seems you dont often deal directly with the manager that much anyway#i just gotta see if i get good vibes#rn i have unsure vibes. but i need a sign to see if this could be good for me#oh id also save money on transportation. and taxes! bc i wouldnt be working in ny anymore#lol oops tag limit. well i hope you enjoyed my job thoughts you probably didnt i know i didnt
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if i might bitch about work for a second: yesterday was hellishly bad despite being able to keep up with it and i found out that apparently our department made 4600 dollars yesterday which is making me angry beyond belieffffffff
#this is math i do fairly often bc i enjoy ho-hum math and hate my job and like#even if we took off 2000 bucks for overhead costs which feels excessive but i will concede it#that would be enough to pay everyone working a little over 860 dollars which is 300 more than what i make in a WEEK#literally WHEREEEEE IS IT WHERE IS IT GOING WHERE IS IT#i dont like following this logic through because on days where there are fewer orders we;d do less#and i disagree with gig work's implementation as ive seen it and i think that would stress people out worse than we already are#(which is significantly)#but at the same time. 850 dollars. i cant afford to buy groceries this week. 850 dollars...#can i get a BONUS or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it makes me soooo angry i was talking to one of the deli guys who asked for a raise and got denied mid-question#before our director accidentally showed him that their department is four thousand of gods own dollars under labor#its so revolting to me i talk to so many people in this store who are terrified because of medical bills or rent or car shit#half my department works two jobs just to get by and ALL OF THEM drive junkers#honestly one of the things thats scaring me about if i actually move out is that i do rely on...living with my mom#i pay for most of my own food i pay an absurd amount of rent to share a room with her but she's willing to drive me to work#even though i've offered to walk multiple times and she REALLY should prioritize her own time more#but at the same time...not having to pay for rides has been carrying me hard#if i got a car i'd be fucked because those things bleed money and generally ethically i disagree with cars#but if i dont its like okay pony up the money learn to navigate buses (except for sunday when they dont run) or get ready#to walk to your job where you walk all day and then walk home in the dark#which. i love walking. and listening to music on my own while walking. so bad example. but i also love not having my feet hurt#all the time always no matter what im doing which is something im becoming increasingly unfamiliar with#its like. ultimately. something's gonna get fucked no matter what#and then i hear a figure like 4600 and i remember how avoidable all of this shit is. how avoidable it is for ANY of us#our ceo is gonna walk away from this merger attempt with 5 billion dollars in safety-cushion money#the 10 top execs beneath him with 1 billion#and its just so. what can you even do. 5 billion. can a number like that even mean anything? how could you possibly need that much#850 dollars would be a lifechanging amount of money for me right now and im not even one of the worst off#its just. god. this world could be anything but what it is but its this and for what
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think i got spoiled for life on mars bc i wanted to make a stupid fucking post abt gene x sam hatesex. TWICE spoiled
#when will i learn. i just wanted an image of them#anyways gene is straight but he WOULD do sam in like a roman way.#i mean they already had a fight club style post fight smoke sesh and ppl made bets on who wld pull a gun on the other first. if you get me#I DONT SHIP THEM BTW lol i just think its funny. theyre funny. genes stupid twink partner#also completely unrelated i think they implied gene got pegged in one ep ?! unless i misinterpreted the joke#sam is so funyyyyyy. my stupid fucking loser boy#chad 'gay boy science' sam vs virgin 'i am not gay' bbc watson#dude gay boy science makes me giggle so hard whenever i think abt it#apart from sam i rlly like annieeeeee.. ANNIEEEE... and chris too hes crazy funny#OHHHH i love this showwww.#i know theres a sequel series but its not abt sam so idgaffffff.#i cant look too hard to see if sam is in it bc of insane spoiler risk but mannnnn. MY BOYYYYY. come back to meeee#btw i think sammmm is bi. and transssss everyone get hit with my trans beam#love you sammy wammy#i hope the series finlae is good butttt whatver if not. s1 finale was sooooo good im happy w that as a nice good sam plot#s2 has felt kinda stupid compared but i guess we will see how it pans out. i only have like 3 eps left#will b very interesting.#i dont know and dont rlly have a theory rn but it seems like hes being used as a test subject moreso than being in hospital now as of s2#it wld be crazyyyy funny tho if it was like for real kinda time travel and theyre like 'pls say u didnt change anything too much' like Gulp#like obvs theres all the cases hes helped solve. but also weird timeloop stuff like seeing his 4 yr old self etc#but like dude hes also terrible. he just drops future facts abt politics and music and technology like . FOR FUN LOL#love u sammy PLEASE STAY SAFE
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sometimes it's important to get a reality check. for example, i get violently interested in basically anything and ill ask my friend 'lots, is yellowjackets popular' and shell be like 'what the fuck is yellowjackets' and ill be like 'thanks great talking to you' and then. many a time later i discover it actually is popular and more ppl than my 3 beloved mutuals know abt it. but such is the life
#it's just like boygenius#anyways it might be bc none of us are american and I only have tumblr (famously without algorithm) and pirate my shit#and she's only got insta i THINK (devoid of cannibals) and none of us actually know anything that's happening ever. (at least me)#like when i mentioned the mean girls movie musical and she was like 'oh yeah' i was like 'damn ppl know abt this'#mitos incredible life#yellowjackets#ig since it's kinda abt that. sorry if u wanted to see ur blorbos :/#idk what a reality check is btw so you'll have to just take it ig#anyways how tf do i know abt yj you ask? Idk. there was fanart i think on my dash and ig some mututal got into it and eventually i was like#yeah. ill check it out#Im just influenceable like that (fr)#TALKING ABOUT YJ back to you is SORTA coming along. rlly want to do it justice#i will rank all of the songs too. IM GONNA#g d so much art/stuff and no idea if anybody wants this (but they will as soon as they find out. about flower face)#anyways shout out to lots i hope youll never get tumblr bc u cant find me
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after surgery i'm buying myself pentiment goddamnit
#reasons to live#also new doctor who episodes#i've been wanting to play for soooo long but haven't really had the money to spend#so i'm using this as an excuse#trying to focus on all the fun/good/cool things that i can do after#seeing hozier later in the summer#watching the wild flowers come up in the backyard#this is hell but i will get through it and there WILL be an other side i will make sure of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#there's a chance we can get it done tomorrow if the doctor thinks it won't be super complicated#i hope we can cause the longer this goes the more we suffer#i just want it to be over#once i'm all healed i am going to smoke a cigarette and savor every fucking puff i haven't been able to smoke for over a k month now :/#another thing to look forward too#and i think i have a vinyl preordered???? am can never remember what other parts have bought#oh and i'm going to binge rewatch the hunger games (all of them) after surgery#been meaning to do that & im using this as an excuse to do nothing but watch movies all day#got some audiobooks downloaded that hopefully they'll let me listen to during (unless it's going to be loud (??) then i have music)#i'm taking my puppy stuffie husband got me when we had to live apart for a summer before we got married#puppy is so special to me#he goes everywhere with me#i love him so much#i would just hold him and cry and cry and cry when husband had to leave :((((#i am so scared#there's so many young parts too who are just i mean they are the ones holding a lot of this shit like i cant imagine what it's like for the#the little bit that leaks through to me is horrific and makes me want to fucking vomit#i'm worried for them#they're splitting bad :((( and i don't have any way to help#we're doing our tapping and tre and everything but idk how much that helps on the inside#idk man#it's all so much
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guess who is so absolutely shit at everything that they are failing at school, won't have the gpa to keep their financial aid at the ridiculously expensive institution they attend, and is probably gonna have to move back home next semester
#boink#it's me#lol#nothing feels real#i just slept for 15 hours#god i hate myself so much#i am such a fucking piece of shit#i was finally starting to settle in here#god im supposed to be in charge of my music group and im literally abandoning them#i finally started to feel like i maybe fit in with them#and now im going to be back at my house#like im in high school#because i cant be trusted to handle myself#things are hard here but at least i started to feel like a person#god i mean i started to feel like an individual#i went to a party this week an i had a good time#i asked someone out on a date for gods sake#these are things that i absolutely never could have done a year ago#and now im going back home#and i wont even be able to say i have school like i used to#that was who ive always been and its just fucking not now#obviously#its like i had the most terrifying realistic nightmare#and when i wake up its actually real#i am going to have to leave all of this#i dont even deserve it anyway#i wish i did#the world is getting so much smaller again
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:/
#guess we’ll never know#it’s hurts so bad cause i keep rereading all our old messages#they all mean so much to me#you were the first guy to ever say such things to me#and i guess that’s why i fell so hard#and why i can’t get over you#what’s worse is no one will ever know what went on between us#because i didn’t tell anyone#you called me a secret garden you stumbled upon#you always talked so poetic#i cant even listen to jazz anymore because it just reminds me of you#DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU TOOK FROM ME#!?#FUCKING JAZZ MUSIC !!#I CANT EVEN LISTEN TO ELLA#CAUSE I JUST START SOBBING#UGHH
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huh. having now understood reaching my target audience of one i think i now get why certain artists have gone batshit, and its because no matter their audience size or how explicitly they state things, no one gets what theyre actually saying
#crazy=genius is the primary example that comes to mind#like. the immediate association there is that its bragging#and maybe to some degree it is‚ that doesnt discount the rest of what im going to say#but like. the order of words there is very important. its not 'it genius = crazy then im insane because im sososo smart'#its 'if crazy = genius then im albert einstein‚ because i am going fucking insane'#its not bragging‚ its bravado. there is a crucial difference between the two.#its a cry for help wrapped in enough arrogance to ensure plausible deniability#and we all just. brushed him off. me included#it's sebastian all over again#if no one takes what you say seriously then you can say your most serious thoughts and have no one blink an eye#and brush it off as yeah yeah emo boy we all had a bad time in highschool.#ajr too im legitimately tempted to see if they have a public email that i can write and send a full analysis to#theyre all just saying it. these people are all so lonely and surrounded by people who see them as a commodity#can you imagine being surrounded by thousands of people who know the words to your songs by heart and didn't understand a single one#sending out flare after flare saying 'this is not a bit i am crumbling to pieces and need help' and having articles written#about how its just music and doesnt mean anything and youre a terrible person#its just for the bit‚ its just to pull your heartstrings to make it hit harder‚ its just art. its doesnt mean anything. right?#nevermind that theres a reason they know which strings to pull. nevermind that none of those are mutually exclusive. nevermind how#directly they say that that is not the case in the song. it doesnt mean anything. it cant. because if it does and if theyre all telling the#truth about how fucked up they are then ding ding ding it seems yet again society is broken#and its easier to say it doesnt mean anything than to face the scale of the everything of it all#origibberish#yknow what come to think of it i think using specifically 'crazy' is also deliberate plausible deniability as just being an asshole too#like 'oh well if you were aaaaactually going through a mental health crisis then you would use more respectful language'#much to consider much to consider
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ok so how are we…
If this is about the new Taylor album...
The feelings are complex and they are not good. I don't want to upset anyone though because I know that a lot of people are enjoying the album and I love that for them!
I will just say I was personally really disappointed by it, and I was going into listening to it thinking this was going to rekindle my love for her, instead it was kind of the opposite. I've been a fan of hers since the debut album, but started to distance myself when all the really intense craziness happened last year. I was so excited to be blown away by the album and just... wasn't which then led to this whole identity crisis because liking Taylor was always "my thing" the number of texts I got today from people I don't talk to regularly or haven't talked to in a while was actually insane, everyone was like "are you so excited!!" and "don't you love it!!" while my close friends were like "I'm sorry." I feel so dramatic and parasocial saying that though.
I saw a review on Stereogum that I think did a good job putting a lot of the same thoughts I had into more concise words. Maybe it will grow on me, but every time I try to do another listen I end up skipping to the next song halfway through.
Sorry for bringing the mood down! I hope you're doing well and had a great Friday! I appreciate you checking in and hope you have a lovely weekend!
❤️Ally
#allylikethecat#ask ally#anon ask#keep it kind#tw taylor swift#this is just my opinion!!#i dont mean to upset anyone and i dont mean any harm#i was just disappointed because like i feel like the album could have been so much better#and felt very let down#also not gonna lie i did feel for matty but im glad his people said hes doing well#also i hope joes mental health is getting better#what makes me REALLY MAD though is that i even kinda felt bad for Travis? like i cant stand him but wow id feel weird if my gf#released an entire album about being obsessed with her ex like she put out that tweet saying she was much happier and the past was the past#but like still this was like a lot#not even just one album but TWO ALBUMS#idk i just im sad im disappointed and i wish i could go back this time last year and how excited i was about her music#i have tickets to see her in august and i dont even know if i should go anymore#like im feeling so weird about it all im like should i sell them so someone who loves her like i used to can go?#idk
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hey hey hey as like a general thing does anyone know how to seperate your interests and sense of self from other people so you dont have panic attacks and/or breakdowns every day? ok thank you
#marble musings#tw#um#something idk#vent#qejwriguhiowr#i actually cant do this right now#everything feels awful#i dont want to write or draw or create anything bc if im doing that why arent i doing it for my friends instead#and i dont have a fandom that im in just for myself anymore#i mean not that i ever really did#but i used to have something closer idk#i dont even have music what the fuck do i do#jehforewugritihoijerlefkhgelr#these wings are so much more trouble than theyre worth but i really wanna work on them#and i dont want to have a breakdown but delaying it doesnt seem to do me any good#fuck someone please help me i have no idea what im doing
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oh man. rip. i had Thoughts in the tags. apparently theres a limit to tags. code ate like 2/3 of my thoughts. and i have 0% confidence in fandom participation that id be willing to write those thoughts up and either add them to the post or make my own post. so now i look like a tool with 1/3 of my unfinished thoughts on a small note post. serves me right for being up at 5/6am lmfao i guess
#mega woof.#basically i had a lot of thoughts about the use of eddies hanky.#and more real world implications/wrenches for peeps to consider.#like hawkins cant be small b/c its large enough that it has a mall.#if youve got a mall youve got enough populace to warrant cruising via hanky code.#but then at the end there i brought up the dichotomy of masculine sexy wild and too feminine within the music genre.#and how billy whos more rock than metal is masculine and sexy but perceived as too feminine.#since his dad calls him a 'fag' which does imply his long hair and small clothing choices makes him more of a target due to.#hes just so slightly off societal norms. vs eddie who flamboyantly steps over societal norms.#and that eddie is closer to punk in his outward acceptance of norms. but that his hobbies place him in less masculine spaces.#hes well within reach to be seen as feminine but that its never brought up on screen.#hes a freak and a weirdo and a satanist but 'fag' he is not.#i also remember bringing up how hawkins would have an adult store or section in the video store.#and then i further brought up that gas stations have adults mags.#also also that if there was a big enough trucker presence that adult mag section might have been large enough for more kink.#which then implies eddie was well within reach of hanky code info. and that he was intentionally wearing his black bandana for a reason.#and not just because its black and metal means black clothes. even tho thats valid.#something something crypts and bloods and much easier to find red bandanas at the time over black ones.#another thing about bikers and leather and bars.#@ me if you want me to actually write out my thoughts i guess.
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hey Google what does it mean if the person you like barely speaks to you but asked you to be a reference for a job and wears the bracelet you made them? asking for a friend of course
#anyway#fml heres a long detailed explanation in the tags because the notes app is Not Cutting It anymore#basically im a stage manager in college and my school has us work on dept productions and we can work on student projects outside work etc#the guy i like does lighting and sound for the program#so we were working on a show together this semester and i dropped it because the director was being Extremely Unreasonable#and i could not communicate with her At All#but he did not drop the show because he was just doing sound design for a musical#so for the past month or so i have been Actively Avoiding the show he is working on because it was emotionally scarring and i cant be there#but that also means that i have a different perspective about the show than he does#so when we talk about the show theres a little bit of disconnect about How we are talking about it#and thats pretty all consuming in terms of we go to school for theatre and this is The Show that is being put on so everyone talks about it#but its way more upsetting for me than it is for him#in a managable way and i can def handle talking about it in most environments#but that show just closed and now we're in finals and we're taking a generals class together and i asked if he wanted to take#the practice final together and he said yes so we went to go do it and he 1 did not talk and 2 finished way faster than me and left#i know hes busy but hello?????#and now we're working on a student show together as equal members of the design team (me scenic him lighting)#and the job he asked me to be a reference for hired him and he won't even be at the performances of the show#because of that job and he'll be gone most of the summer and wont have much cell service#and neither of us are really texters anyway#and also we're working on another dept production in the fall but im his stage manager which is a little bit of a power dynamic#also im a senior and hes a sophomore so that adds a little to the concept of me having more power in the context of at least our#professional relationship if not our personal relationship#but if we're working on shows together and taking classes together and i have to see him every goddamn day ill lose my mind#but if i say something and he says he feels the same and then he fucks off for the summer i will also lose my mind#so i have decided not to say anything until he comes back and or hope that it fades and there wont be anything to say#but he messaged our discord tonight to see if anyone wanted to play games at fuckin 10:30 at night#and a few people said yeah so we went to a park and he barely acknowledge me all night#he didnt make any jokes about how i cant catch a football and i cant hit a volleyball and i cant breathe well enough to run#all of which he can do and he played football in high school and i was on the fucking yearbook committee
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