i've been really struggling the last few days with just... doing shit. getting up to go to the toilet. reaching beside me to take a drink of water. eating when i'm hungry. figuring out if i'm hungry/thirsty/in need of anything else particular. i want to tidy the house because it really fucking needs it. i want to fold clothes because i need to find them. i want to be in a space that's pleasant to be in. i want to eat. i want to go out in the fresh air. i want to read any one of my unfinished or unstarted books. i want to play a videogame. i want to reply to rp. i don't. i sit. i stare at the screen. i feel my brain oozing sluggishly. i might be getting a headache. i don't move. i don't look away from the screen except to stare at the wall. i think about all the things i want to do. i think about all the things i should be doing. i don't feel any particular emotion. my stomach growls. i think about getting a snack. i scroll another six posts on tumblr. i stare at the wall. i haven't opened my mouth or made a sound in an hour, two hours, more. i want to play my ukulele. i want to listen to music. i want to watch a movie. i stare. i sit. i lose thoughts halfway through having them. i forget birthdays. i forget plans made two days ago. i forget to make myself a snack. i forget to talk to my friends. i forget promises i've made. i forget who i owe rp replies to. i forget due dates. i sit i sit i sit i sit i sit.
sometimes i get really sick of me.
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