#and looking through old school reports recently. yeah. lmao.

[ablubluh]

i've been really struggling the last few days with just... doing shit. getting up to go to the toilet. reaching beside me to take a drink of water. eating when i'm hungry. figuring out if i'm hungry/thirsty/in need of anything else particular. i want to tidy the house because it really fucking needs it. i want to fold clothes because i need to find them. i want to be in a space that's pleasant to be in. i want to eat. i want to go out in the fresh air. i want to read any one of my unfinished or unstarted books. i want to play a videogame. i want to reply to rp. i don't. i sit. i stare at the screen. i feel my brain oozing sluggishly. i might be getting a headache. i don't move. i don't look away from the screen except to stare at the wall. i think about all the things i want to do. i think about all the things i should be doing. i don't feel any particular emotion. my stomach growls. i think about getting a snack. i scroll another six posts on tumblr. i stare at the wall. i haven't opened my mouth or made a sound in an hour, two hours, more. i want to play my ukulele. i want to listen to music. i want to watch a movie. i stare. i sit. i lose thoughts halfway through having them. i forget birthdays. i forget plans made two days ago. i forget to make myself a snack. i forget to talk to my friends. i forget promises i've made. i forget who i owe rp replies to. i forget due dates. i sit i sit i sit i sit i sit.

sometimes i get really sick of me.

[babydollmarauders]

LAVENDER HAZE — TREVOR ZEGRAS

trevor zegras x fem!reader

part of the Midnights Fic List

summary: in which y/n has been dealing with hate from Trevor’s fans and journalists constantly speculating when they’ll get married.

specific lyrics: “i been under scrutiny. you handle it beautifully. all this shit is new to me.” and “all they keep asking me is if i’m gonna be your bride. the only kinda girl they see is a one night or a wife.”

not my gif

“y/n, when are you and Trevor gonna get married?” a reporter asks as i walk through the hallways of Honda Center, away from the Ducks dressing room and up towards the seating. i send a stiff smile their way and continue walking, effectively ignoring their question.

i’ve been dating Trevor since we were sixteen. five years together and you’d think i would be used to this by now, but it’s harder than one would think.

of course Trevor and i have talked about marriage, when you’ve been together this long, it’s inevitable that you’ve talked about it. but we’ve mutually decided to wait until it feels right for us. we’re only twenty-one after all. but it seems that it’s the only question i get asked nowadays.

sure, when i ran into reporters in the past, they may have asked me this question a couple times, but usually they just asked me what it was like to be high school sweethearts with an nhl player or what kind of things Trevor does at home to get ready for a game. but now it’s always ‘when are you guys getting married?’ and ‘y/n has Trevor proposed yet?’.

having been dating Trevor since his USNTDP days, it’s definitely different dealing with him now having real fans and him being approached at restaurants for pictures. i don’t mind it, but it can get to be a bit much when with his fame comes hate towards me. girls telling me i’m not good enough for him or that they could treat him better and whatnot. every photo i post on instagram has at least twenty comments saying such things.

**

i’m sat on the couch waiting for Trevor to get home from his game. i left right after it ended, Trevor texting me that he had to do interviews and that Jamie would drop him off at home.

—

@y/n11 just posted

Liked by @jackhughes and 14,628 others

@y/n11: the secret is out, i’m actually just @trevorzegras personal photographer 📸

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@user1: y/n using her boyfriend for clout again lol

@user2: alexa play treat you better by shawn mendes

@jackhughes: i’m stealing Louie next time i visit

@y/n11: good luck, Trevor might actually disown you as a friend if you try

@jackhughes: @y/n11 sounds like a win-win situation to me

@user3: how has it taken me months to realize she changed the number in her username to match Trevor’s jersey number? didn’t she used to be y/n46?

@user4: yeah, and before that she was y/n9 to match his usa number. they’re so cute 😭 i wonder if she’ll change her username to y/nzegras when they get married

@trevorzegras: and you’re the cutest photographer there ever was

@y/n11: i wanna smooch your face 💋💋

@_alexturcotte: whipped

@trevorzegras: @_alexturcotte i don’t see you with a girlfriend so which one of us is really winning here?

@user5: oh look, another post of Trevor. anyone wanna take a guess on what her next post will be? hint: it probably won’t her ugly ass

@_quinnhughes: miss you! come visit soon!

@trevorzegras: aww miss you too Huggy!

@_quinnhughes: @trevorzegras did it look like i tagged you? you can stay in Anaheim

@y/n11: miss you too Hugs! i’ll come with Trev on their next game there and root for you! 🧸

@user6: lmao she’s rooting for another guy? slut. bet she’s bounced around to all Trevor’s old teammates + Quinn

—

i scroll through the comments on my recent instagram post, seeing all the girls insulting me or saying i use Trevor for fame. am i not allowed to post my boyfriend anymore just because he’s in the NHL?

i didn’t realize i had tears welling in my eyes until one drops onto my screen. wiping it off, i hear the front door open and shut, Trevor arriving home. i listen to the mundane sounds of him slipping his shoes off and dropping his keys into the dish by the door before i hear his footsteps coming towards the living room. i hastily wipe away my tears and sniffle before he can see that i’ve been crying.

“hey, baby.” i say, my voice not quite recovered from my throat being closed up while i was crying, but Trevor doesn’t seem to notice. he takes the seat next to me on the couch, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pulling me in so my head lays on his chest.

“hi, love. did you see that goal i made for you?” he asks and i chuckle.

“i did. you did amazing, babe. i’m so proud of you.” i tell him, wrapping my arm around his waist and squeezing him tighter to me. he drops a kiss to the top of my head and i can feel the smile on his lips.

“lemme see that pretty face.” he whispers, nudging my chin up with his hand. but when i look up at him, his smile drops. “hey, what happened? why were you crying?”

he rubs at my cheek with his thumb, tracing my puffy under eye with the tip of it. i shake my head slightly.

“it’s nothing, Trev.” he shakes his head and scowls.

“it’s not nothing if it made my girl cry. now tell me.” he says.

“it was just the comments on my instagram post. there were these girls—” i cut myself off, not knowing if i want to tell him what they said.

“hey, what? ‘there were these girls’ what?” he asks softly.

“these girls were commenting that i was using you for clout, and that i was ugly. and another one said that i’ve probably gotten with you and all your friends.” i whisper. his face contorts in disbelief before dropping into an angry frown.

“don’t listen to them.” he tells me. i open my mouth to rebut but he speaks again. “i’m serious, y/n. don’t pay them any attention. i know you’re not using me. i mean, you put up with my annoying, class clown ass in high school. if that doesn’t speak wonders then i don’t know what does.”

i giggle and land a light smack against his chest.

“i happen to have liked your annoying, class clown ass.” i tease.

“and i still wonder why.” he shrugs. “as for the other comments, you’re gorgeous, princess. you’re so beautiful. i still can’t believe i get to wake up every morning and see that pretty face. i can’t understand for the life of me, why you stay with me when you’re so out of my league. but i’m so grateful that you do, because i can’t imagine where i’d be and what my life would be like without you.”

i smile at his sweet words and lean up to kiss his lips.

“i love you.” i mumble against them.

“i love you too, babygirl.” he presses one more quick peck to my lips before pulling away “also, i know you’ve never been with any of my friends. i mean, c’mon, why would you want them when you can have this?”

he sweeps a hand down his body and i bark out a laugh. he smiles down at me, running his hand through my hair before he stops it at the back of my neck, pulling me in for another, deeper, kiss.

“you know, i’ve been thinking.” he tells me when he pulls back.

“oh that’s never good.” i say.

“ha ha ha.” he narrows his eyes at me, slipping the hand from the back of my neck in order to use it to shove my forehead, making me fall back onto the cushion of the couch behind me. “i was thinking, maybe next year?”

“maybe next year what?” i ask, face contorting in confusion.

“maybe next year we should get married.” he says. i pop back up into a sitting position quickly, nearly hitting my head against his. he chuckles and tucks a lock of hair behind my ear.

“Trevor Zegras did you just propose to me?” i ask, my tone incredulous. “on our couch?!”

“yeah, i guess i did.” he says. “what do you say? you wanna be my wife?”

“i could hit you right now.” i tell him.

“so, it that a no?” he asks, an eyebrow raised in questioning. i shuffle onto his lap, straddling him and grabbing his face in my hands.

“there is nothing in this world that i want more than to be your wife.” i whisper, leaning my forehead against his.

“oh thank god.” he sighs. he sticks his hand in his pocket, shuffling around in it before pulling his hand back out in a fist. he opens his fist to reveal a ring box. “because i’ve had this ring since we were eighteen.”

tears sting my eyes, my heart leaping in my chest as i pull my head back from his. he opens the box, showing off a beautiful white gold ring with a pear cut diamond and a twisted halo design.

“since we were eighteen?” i ask. “but that’s the year that we were fighting all the time.”

“yeah, and you stayed. despite all the stupid arguments, you still made sure we never went to bed angry at each other, and you stuck by my side.” he takes the ring out of the box, slipping it onto my finger before pressing a kiss to my knuckles.

“i love you so much.” i whisper before capturing his lips with mine. he pulls back a second later to mumble out his own ‘i love you’ before he resumes kissing me.

but then a thought pops into my head and i pull away, furrowing my brows at him.

“why did you have the ring in your pocket right now?” i ask him.

“well i had this whole plan that i was gonna bring you out on the ice before warm ups and ask you there but, when it came down to it, it didn’t feel right. i wanted the right moment. and now felt right.”

—

@y/n11 just posted

Liked by @colecaufield and 43,793 others

@y/n11: forever with you sounds pretty great @trevorzegras

comments on this post have been limited.

@trevorzegras: i’m pretty damn lucky that i’ll get to call you my wife 🤍

@jackhughes: finally! i was beginning to think he would never use that damn ring! congrats guys

@y/n11: you knew about the ring?!

@jackhughes: @y/n11 who do you think helped him pick it out?

@colecaufield: congrats you guys! can’t wait to be the best man

@jackhughes: think again bud, i’m gonna be the best man

@_alexturcotte: @jackhughes i think we all know that I’M gonna be the best man because Trevor likes me best

@y/n11: @jackhughes @_alexturcotte thank you cole! and i hate to be the bearer of bad news but the best man will definitely be Louie … gotta go 🏃‍♀️

@_quinnhughes: congratulations! so happy for you two!

@y/n11: thank you Huggy! get ready to go suit shopping because i can’t imagine anyone else being my man of honor

@lhughes_06: damn, Z beat me to it. i was gonna ask you this summer at the lake house! happy for you though 🥲😪

@y/n11: aww sorry Moosey! keep an eye out just in case forever doesn’t work out

@griffinzegras: can’t wait for you to officially be my sister!

@y/n11: aww you’ve been my baby brother for 5 years but now it’ll be legally true! can’t wait to boss you around!

@griffinzegras: @y/n11 i take it back @trevorzegras any way that you wanna take her back to the pound?

@trevorzegras: @griffinzegras nah, i like this one. i’mma keep her

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[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #391

“if you wanna soar with vultures, you’ll have to swallow crow”

Have you ever been to Australia? No. I want to visit a friend there, but honestly, Australia scares me too much lmao. That place is like, the Hard mode in life. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My sister's husband just had his. Are you wearing a necklace? If so, describe it. No. Do you know anyone who is left-handed? My best fren. Ever wear out a CD? What was it? Haha, yeah... I caused a few scratches on Ozzy's Black Rain, as well as one more of his, where the album name is surprisingly evading me. What’s your favorite card game? Magic: The Gathering. What’s your favorite fast food meal? Burgers or chicken tenders are usually my go-to, depending on the place. Where is the best restaurant you’ve ever eaten in at? The Cheesecake Factory. @_@ Lamb chops or pork chops? I've actually never tried lamb chops before, but I've always thought they look yummy. If you HAD to pick ONE song to listen to for the rest of your life, and that would be the only song you ever heard, what would it be? "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy Osbourne, probably. It's very motivating. Ever heard of Shinedown? Yeah, I like 'em. They're one of Dad's faves. What size is your bed? Queen. What is the first meal you remember eating? Hell if I know. What was the first movie you ever saw? I also don't remember. What percentile of your class were you in? The top. Can you name every place you’ve ever had sex? I probably could, but I'm not going to. What forms of birth control have you used? The pill and also just not having a sex life lmao. Do you use sponges or dishcloths when doing the dishes? A sponge. What’s your favorite song on the top twenty right now? I have zero clue what's in the top twenty. Ever punched a wall? No. What was the last bug you killed and what did you use? An ant in the house. My fingers. Ever get pulled over by the cops and get away without a ticket? I've never been pulled over. What was your first legal alcoholic drink? A margarita, I think? What’s the most expensive things your parents ever bought you? Probably this laptop. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought? My snake. Or my most recent tattoo, idr. What is your favorite cover song? I think Disturbed's "Sound of Silence" is unbeatable as a cover. Well, or Johnny Cash's "Hurt." Both SLAUGHTER the originals. Did you ever drop out of school? College, three times. Ever raise a child that wasn’t your own for more than 3 months? No. Strangest medical procedure ever performed on you? Considering the location, having a pilonidal cyst drained by pushing on it. Jesus FUCKING Christ it hurt so goddamn bad. Does the place you work have music playing? What sort? I don’t have a job. Do you use Windows, Mac, Linux, or something else entirely? Windows. Do you cut tags out of clothing so they don’t itch and bother you? Yes. How many times a year do you go on vacation? Zero, generally. What is your favorite time period in history to learn about? The Holocaust. What’s the saddest report you have ever seen on the news? *shrug* I don't watch the news. In your honest opinion, what is the scariest sea creature you know? Putting aside my illogical fear of whale sharks, probably giant squid. Like no thank u. What superpower do you think would be the most handy in times of trouble? Teleportation. Do you believe there is just one love for everyone, or…? No. There are WAY too many people in the world for that. Plus, you're talking to a person who has been in love with two different individuals, and both were perfectly valid feelings. Why are you best friends with your best friend? She's just simply amazing. Strong, funny, intelligent, caring, supportive, loyal... She's, again, amazing. Do you world peace is truly a possibility in the future? Realistically, no. But it's nice to imagine. Pretend you are a really good cook, what meal would you make? *shrug* It would depend on what I wanted to eat. What do you think of when you look at the stars? Just the vastness of everything, and I wonder what it's like up there in outer space. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Dead? Their shells are part of their actual skeletal structure. What’s one thing you feel you must do in your life before it ends? Just... feel like I did something. What Disney princess are you most like? Personality-wise, I mean. Maybe Belle? To be totally honest, I don't really remember the details of most of their personalities. What do you think is the most important thing in this life is? Love. Do you use any acne medication? Not anymore. Have you ever tried to learn another language? How did it go? I took Latin for one semester, and it was hard as FUCK. I quickly changed to German next semester and did that for all four available classes. Do you still have a landline phone in your home? No. Throughout a typical week, which places are you likely to go? I go to the TMS therapy office every weekday, and I might ride with my mom to pick up groceries or something. How often do you use your webcam, if you even have one that is? Never anymore because my mic doesn't work on this laptop, so there's no reason to. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? Neither, actually. What was the last thing you bought from a liquor store? Mom bought a nice bottle of some pink lemonade Smirnoff the other day for us to try, but she left it at my sister's. ;-; It looked soooo good. Is there any cereal in your house? What kind? Yeah. Mom got some Honey Nut Cheerios and Reese's Puffs. What's the most number of people you've ever lived with? Excluding myself, I wanna say five. Do you celebrate St. Patrick's Day? No. Do you have any pets? How long have you had them? I've had Venus forrrr... I want to say four years, and Roman for two, I think. What's your favourite kind of cheese? American. Have you danced in the rain? No. Who is your favorite person to text? Sara. What’s your favorite brand of jeans? I haven't worn jeans in many years. Do you enjoy Mario games? Not especially. Mario Kart is fun, though. What’s your favorite online game? World of Warcraft. Have you ever been hit with a ball in gym class? Yes. That shit hurts. Who was last to cook for you? My mom. Would you ever wish to explore a cave? YES!!!!! You see the person you fell hardest for. What do you do? Freeze, physically and mentally. Have you ever ridden in a car with someone who was high? Yes, because I was afraid to say no. Did you ever date the last person you kissed? Yes. Have you ever held a snake? Plenty of times. How often do you have friends over to your house? Never. Have you ever had a boss who acted unprofessionally? No. Who was the last person who cried around you? Why did they start crying? Was it unexpected? My mom, because she always feels unwanted at Ashley's house. It wasn't unexpected, honestly. She cries a lot in the car when she leaves my sister's house, honestly. It's heartbreaking. Do you have any exercises you do everyday? No. :/ Are you more of a dog or cat person? I'm a cat person. That only becomes more apparent with time, really. Have you ever had a dream of stabbing someone? I probably have, given I've had nightmares of strangling someone, punching and slapping people... all kinds of stuff. My nightmares are so fucking violent and I hate it. Would you ever have a bird as a pet? No. Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? No. Do you know someone who’s been cremated? My dog, as well as my younger sister's old pup. And Mom's. What is your favorite animated movie? The Lion King. Did your grandparents teach you anything? To not be horrendously old-fashioned and to never have kids, yes. Congrats, Grandma, I took both things to heart. Do you want/have a Bachelor's degree? No. Are you into superheroes? Who's your favourite? Not massively, no. I like Deadpool (yeah, yeah, antihero, whatever) and Spider-Man. Have you ever played Cards Against Humanity? Did you like it? Yes to both. Have you ever played a drinking game? Which ones? I don't think so. Did you ever play Neopets when you were younger? Yes, I LOVED them. Sometimes I'm still tempted to make a new account, I shit you not, lol. Have you ever been to Mexico? No. Have your parents ever worked in medicine? My mom was a pharmacy technician or some title like that for a long time. Is there anything unusual about your house? I don't think so? How many serious relationships have you been in? Two. Do you listen to Rise Against? I only know "Re-education (Through Labor)," but I LOVE that song. When was the last time you congratulated someone? It was probably something on Facebook, but idr. Have you ever taken care of a newborn baby? Go no, I could never. How old were you when you got your ears pierced? I don't remember my age, but old enough where I did it of my own volition. Do you snore when you sleep? No. Surprising for someone with sleep apnea as horrendous as mine. What was the last type of burger you ate? I had a McDouble from McDonald's a few nights ago.

[purplesurveys]

1188

Have you ever shared a shower or bath with someone as an adult? I did it a couple of times with a past girlfriend, but I’m honestly not a fan of it unless I’m somewhere with a serious lack of bathrooms and it’s the only choice available. I like my space when I get myself all cleaned up lol.

What kind of pizza toppings do you like?  Different kinds of cheeses do it for me, really. If I absolutely have to pick toppings, I do like bacon, bell peppers, barbecue chicken, or onions on my pizza.

When did you first take a shot of alcohol?  I have no idea, actually. Maybe 20? 21? I never noted the year down. I don’t even know the first shot I ever took...if I had to guess, it was probably tequila.

Did you babysit for money when you were in middle school? No. I babysat because I was the eldest daughter and granddaughter in an Asian household, haha.

Who is your favorite band? How long have they been?  Paramore; 17 years, have loved them for 14.

Has the last person you kissed ever been to your house? Many times. She used to be a welcome guest.

Have you ever been to a spa?  I don’t think I’ve ever entered one, no. There’s been no reason to in the past.

When talking on the phone, do you place it against your left or right ear? Right. I don’t remember ever placing it on my left, come to think of it.

What’s your favourite Lunchables meal?  Idk, I’ve never had them. American thing, I’m guessing.

Do you like Bob Marley?  I don’t hold an opinion on him; I’ve never tried listening to his music.

Have you ever eaten at Golden Corral? Nope, I don’t know what that is, either.

Do you sit and eat dinner at the same table with your family?  Yes, we have dinner together every night. We’ve been doing it since the start of the pandemic; and, with that, since my dad has had to stay at home since he can’t report to work anyway considering the situation. I imagine we’d be back to eating separately once he can report back to his job.

Are you listening to any music right now? If so, what are you listening to?  Yeah, I’m listening to Map of the Soul: 7 and UGH! just started playing. This is such a good FUCKING album it’s absolutely insane how good it is. Whatever spirit possessed BTS throughout 2019 to produce an album this unbelievable wasn’t playing.

Who was the last person to make you genuinely smile?  Hobi, since I rewatched the Run BTS segment where he called Conan O’Brien ‘Curtain.’

Is there something you want to say to someone but can’t/won’t? No.

Do you like men who have a sensitive side?  I think it’s nice when anyone has a sensitive side and isn’t ashamed to be in touch and expressive with their emotions. Doesn’t have to apply to just guys.

Have you ever tried to get someone into a certain band/artist?  I don’t do that with any of my interests because I don’t want to potentially irritate or bore someone, or to potentially face the disappointment I’d feel when they don’t end up being enthusiastic about what I’m into. I’m totally okay with my interests just being My Thing, no need to drag other people into them.

Have you ever carved you and someone else’s initials into a tree?  Nopes.

Do you like Dairy Queen?  Just some items, like their Oreo Frappe or whatever it’s called. I’m not a big fan of ice cream cakes and I’ve never really explored their Blizzards.

Is there anyone you know with an amazing personal success story?  Andi.

Is there a song in a different language that you can sing? Well Filipino is my first language rather than English, so yes.

How do you feel about bands that use pyrotechnics in live concerts?  I’ve never experienced this other than One Direction using fireworks at the end of their concert here (and they weren’t launched from the stage either, but somewhere backstage), so I don’t really know what to feel about this other than they should just make sure they’re following safety protocols and standards to avoid mishaps.

Ever fallen down a hole?  I don’t think so.

Do you like bananas?  Not so much, but I don’t passionately hate it as much as I do other fruits. I do like some dishes that incorporate banana, like banana bread and banoffee pie. Recently I discovered Korean banana milk and it ended up tasting pretty good!

How long do you normally spend in the shower? Not even 10 minutes, usually. I've never understood how people can take such long showers. < Yeah, pretty much on the same page. The only times I take a while is if I feel like shaving, but otherwise I shower quickly. Maybe around 4–7 minutes at most.

Have you ever been a featured member on any website?  I don’t think that ever happened, at least when having featured members was still a thing.

Have you ever had any weird pets?  Nope.

Are you currently talking to/texting/instant messaging anyone?  I am not. Though I know I have unread messages from Andi...I just don’t feel like checking them right now.

Have you ever experienced insomnia?  Only when I was a teenager. It’s been a while since I’ve faced any trouble in trying to fall asleep.

Do you like egg nog? I’ve never had a chance to try it but it sounds delicious, and I would definitely take a sip the first opportunity I get.

Would you ever wear Converse with a prom/formal dress?  I don’t see why I would have to but if it’s just for funsies, it sounds pretty harmless so yeah, I would.

Do you prefer hot chocolate with or without marshmallows?  Withoooooooooout. I’ve never understood marshmallows.

How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over?  In a romantic sense, none. But I’ve cried for other reasons, like when I mourned over my grandpa and Nacho.

Would you rather be a surgeon or mortician?  Surgeon, since there’s a tiny part in me that had always wanted to take up med school.

Would rather be a musician or a painter? Painter, if anything. I’m not creative by any means, but I feel like I’d enjoy a lot more freedom with painting.

Would you rather write your own book or make your own movie? [continued from last night] Write my own book I suppose, but I could only work with non-fiction. I’d embarass myself if I had to write something not based off of real life.

At home, do you have a trampoline? No. But this reminds me of when we’d go to Rita’s place to have meetings whenever we couldn’t hold them in school. She’s the richest one out of all of us, lives in a very old money village, big-ass house, big-ass kitchen, big-ass receiving areas (plural)...and they also have a nice trampoline in their big-ass yard. We always used to horse around in there as soon as we were done with our meetings.

When you are about to go to bed, do you put on some sort of noise?  I used to put on a YouTube video that would entertain me enough to feel relaxed and eventually sleepy, but I haven’t done that in the last few weeks. These days I usually look for a fanfic to get absorbed in, then I read until my eyes start feeling heavy.

What is your favorite Christmas movie?  Love Actually or It’s A Wonderful Life.

And what about your favorite Christmas song?  It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas makes me feel festive and fuzzy.

What is your ultimate favorite stocking stuffer?  My family doesn’t really keep up with this tradition. I remember how our grandparents would fix up stockings for us when we were much younger, but they were usually filled with candy. 

After Halloween, do you sort out all of your candy into little piles?  I never collected candy for Halloween.

When you listen to music with headphones, do you keep the volume low enough to hear surrounding noise faintly, or do you blast it?  Depends. The rare times I’m working and do feel like putting headphones on, the volume has to be just decent enough so I can still focus. If I’m not doing anything else or at least doing something that doesn’t involve too much ~brain activity~, I like my music very loud.

What did you have for breakfast this morning?  It doesn’t really count as breakfast but I’m currently finishing off the remaining two pieces of McNuggets I got last night. 10 pieces is apparently too many for my appetite, haha.

What���s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet?  Cooper has probably been the biggest and heaviest so far.

Do you own any kind of helmet?  We have a bike helmet here at home, but it’s not exclusively mine.

Out of everything currently in your refrigerator, what food or drink is your favorite?  I don’t memorize the fridge so I can’t tell you my favorite food that’s currently in it; as for drink, I just stick to cold water.

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?  Sprained ankle after I tripped at one of the parking lots in school.

Do you like the taste of cough syrup?  I’ve never had it.

What is something you like to have conversations about?  People with experiences vastly different from mine, because it lets me explore different perspectives. It’s why I always look forward to family reunions with one of my uncles - who’s a foreigner, from a very different country - since he’s able to share a lot of fun and reflective stories about his life and stuff he did in his youth, stuff I never got to experience and live through.

What all is in the trunk of your car?  The trunk used to be my trash can lmao, back when I was still driving everyday. My mom has since cleared it out since the beginning of the pandemic; I believe only a laptop bag is sitting there now.

Do you ever put fruit on your cereal? No. I don’t even eat either.

Is your heat or air conditioning currently on?  My electric fan is. I don’t turn on the aircon until the evening.

Have you ever fallen off of a horse?  Nopes.

Which do you value more, your appearance or your intelligence?  Both are important to me.

When was the last time you drove something other than a car or truck?  I don’t remember. I’ve only ever driven cars.

Were your grandparents present when you were born?  Neither set wasn’t in any of the photos from my birth, so I don’t think so...? My maternal grandparents definitely wouldn’t have been present, since my parents had been living in Manila then.

If you drink/smoke, how often do you do these things?  I vape...pretty much all day. I’m doing it while taking this survey. As for drink, I would say 1-2 times a month. Usually after a particularly grueling shift.

What do you think of fast food?  I love it. Unabashedly. I just don’t have them a lot because I don’t find it filling and the quality is obviously lower; but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the way fast food tastes.

What website do you spend the most time on and why?  Google Suite, if it counts. I work 5 days a week; it’s pretty much an extension of me at this point.

What’s the most amount of time you’ve spent online? Is this usual for you?  All day. I’m always using the internet to do things. I used to be embarrassed of it, but these days I feel like having a connection is virtually an essential.

When it comes to travel, what kinds of places intrigue you most? Museums, historical sites, cultural sites, and spots where they show you how they do practices native to the place. I’ve always been about immersing myself in the cultures of the places I visit.

What is the farthest you’ve walked in one day and what made you do it?  I remember having to walk for a very very very VERY long time when we were in Bali - my family wanted to explore more of the city - and the weather wasn’t cooperative at all, so I ended up feeling super cranky. I remember also walking around a lot in Shanghai, but that was a slightly better experience since the city was incredibly lively and there were a lot of things to see and stop at; not to mention the weather was also kinda pleasant. The cold was biting but I would always rather be too cold than walk around with sweat-soaked clothes.

What is something important that’s often on your mind lately?  Our financial situation what with Covid affecting both my parents’ jobs. We get by enough for me not to worry too much, but I also hope my dad can get called back to his ship soon just so I can finally exhale with relief.

What about something unimportant, but you can’t stop thinking about it?  My workplace recently introduced this workout challenge thingy for the month of May that we’re invited to join to encourage us to get fit and healthy. I get notifications whenever someone’s able to exercise for the day and it makes me feel super pressured hahahaha. Since I don’t wanna be known as a killjoy co-worker I know I’ll have to take part in it, which I will start on later.

Do you like oatmeal? If so, what kinds of things do you like in it?  No. Back in elementary my grandma made me eat oatmeal every day for breakfast before heading to school, so I don’t ever want to have another bowl of it.

What was going on the last time you felt nostalgic?  My family and I were having a conversation during dinner last night and for some reason it eventually veered towards mine and my sister’s experiences from our first school and how we managed to get up at 5 AM everyday, have classes from 7 AM–4 PM, then get home from anywhere between 5–6 PM for 14 years straight. How tf did we do that and never complain???

How much attention do you pay to the movements of the stars and planets, and do you believe they influence anything?  None.

What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played?  While I love watching playthroughs, I am not skilled at video games at all and in most video games I’ve played I never made it past the first mission, unless I was playing a Nintendo game that’s already marketed for kids in the first place lol.

Which accent do you find most sexy, alluring or appealing?  There’s a certain British accent I find very pleasant to listen to, but since I know there are a lot of variations I’m just not sure which one it is. I guess an accurate point of reference would be Hugh Grant’s or Florence Pugh’s accent.

Which accent do you find most annoying, disturbing, or bothersome?  None of them.

Can you cry on cue? Is it any kind of useful?  Nope.

Does it take you a while to actually get jokes?  Sometimes.

Can you wear socks to bed or does it annoy you?  I don’t really like the feeling of socks, so no. I find them a bit itchy, and too tight.

Have you ever bleached your hair?  Never done it before.

Do you like jelly beans?  Erm, it would depend on the flavor, I guess. But they aren’t so much my snack of choice. The texture is a bit weird.

Do you have trouble sleeping when it’s storming?  Not at all, I feel a lot cozier when it’s raining hard.

Who was the last person you know that graduated? (high school or college)  Sofie posted her graduation photo not too long ago, so probably her.

Were you happy or sad when you found out your babysitter was coming?  I never had a babysitter because I was the babysitter.

Did you have a boyfriend in kindergarten?  No. I went to an all-girls school, so I didn’t even get to interact with a lot of boys until the middle of high school.

Did you ever read the Magic Treehouse series?  Nope.

Who was your best friend in elementary school?  Angela. I was also friends for a long time with a girl named Jaynie, with whom I actually started to reconnect ever since she found out I was now into BTS. I find it so cool; I don’t think I’ve talked to her since the 2nd grade, 15 years ago.

Did you ever watch The Land Before Time movies?  I didn’t.

Did you collect anything when you were a kid? Stickers. I'd put them on my dresser everywhere to the point it was absolutely covered. < Literally this entire answer; I don’t have any clue how my overly neat mom managed to never spank me for destroying her closet. I also liked collecting Pokemon cards and pogs even though I never knew how to use them. It just felt nice having large stacks of them lol.

Did you get an allowance?  Not until high school. My grandma (and eventually househelp, when we moved) fixed up packed lunches for me and my siblings. When my mom decided to stop having house helpers at home, that’s when she started giving us an allowance to buy recess and lunch ourselves.

Were you into American Girl dolls?  I was never into dolls in general. Since my sister and I were the only girls at home, we were surrounded by toys marketed for boys and that’s what I enjoyed playing with more.

Were you friends with your childhood neighbors?  We played with the neighborhood kids every afternoon but I wouldn’t call them friends. I was a very shy kid and I found them too rowdy for my liking, especially the boys.

What was your biggest fear when you were a kid?  Flying cockroaches. It’s still one of them.

Did you ever play the "Reader Rabbit" computer games?  I don’t think so.

Did your parents let you drink soda growing up? I’m pretty sure they would’ve allowed me to, but I just never liked the feeling of fizzy drinks so I never drank soda anyway.

What was your favorite kind of cake as a kid?  I think I liked mocha sponge cakes growing up, but that has changed now.

[dansedan]

Did anyone ask for bad impulsive original fiction? no? ok so I’m doing it anyway under readmore bc 

1) it’s four pages long

2) It’s not good

open at your own risk it’s gay pining and isolated places bc that’s what I’ve been thinking about latelyyyyyyy 

ok here ‘tis sorry everything I touch becomes brooding and horny at least this one isn’t explicit lmao I started it right after watching brokeback mountain and maybe that’s super obvious and sad!

The blonde man is in a yellow suede coat (for that is what blonde men wear) and the black-haired man is wearing blue (not denim, though, just house-clothes) and they are standing in a bog-road not quite a mountain, too tropical for Western dessert, and the black-haired man is short but the blonde is shorter.

The are moles on the black-haired man’s blonde-skinned face and the blonde man wants to kiss them quickly, kiss repeatedly like a combo in an arcade game. The black-haired man is grinning more than he would really grin and his eyes are proud, round almonds and his hair is long and leather-smooth. The Blonde man looks like carrot cake in essence but not color, he is pale and strawlike.

The Blonde man is shivering under the coat and hat and isn’t used to it, but the black haired man just smiles again and says that Jersey winter’s colder, that he should visit sometime and see it for himself. The blonde man does believe him, still shivers without being cold.

“It’s good that you’ve managed to make it all the way down here.”

The two men are in the cottage- or house, or shack, or whathaveyou- and they’re shedding their coats with warm hesitance. The light from the windows is white-cold and streaming in like sheafs of silk, and the blonde man stares like a movie-still, too conscious and composed. The black-haired man is real, though, and he’s rustling through the kitchen for mugs, and spoons and coffee grounds. Chattering about the weather and elections and the recent movie by the actor they both like to fill the space in the air, and the Blonde man is breathing with intent, too much intent. Like receiving a shirt from a lover, he is breathing in the air of the house (it is still air with no notable fragrance, the coffee from the kitchen exempted by its diegesis) and looking around, taking slow steps like a peppy realtor on a tee-vee show. The house is American, and hand-made several years ago (he knows, for this is how he met the black-haired man, in that year of furrowed brows and little lies and paperwork) and overwhelmingly warm, wooden brown. It is draped in corners with thick fabric, like a swaddled child, and the Blonde man can see embroidery and weavings he himself had sent along with a mutual friend on her much more frequent visits- a pillow with a bird design, a blanket made to look like an old overcoat, art-school projects disguised as adult whims that had never fooled the black-haired man, but had successfully flattered him.

And the black-haired man has finished making coffee, or gotten sick of hearing “yes” and “really?” from the younger man, is instead sneaking up behind him with the mugs.

“neat house, huh?”

“thanks, made it myself.”

And the black-haired man pretends to gasp, and pretends to laugh, and passes on the coffee to the blonde man. And they are not drinking over an open fire, they are walking to the sofa- one in sock feet, one in boots.

“how’s school?”

“s’fine- ‘school’ makes it sound like I’m in sixth grade.”

“…is sixth grade fun?”

“fuck no.”

The black-haired man’s smile is wide, and heart-shaped, and it breaks the blonde man’s heart to see it plastered like that and to know it’s his fault.

“Still, god, how long’s it been now, three years?”

“threeish.”

The black-haired man is looking everywhere other than him, and it’s painfully obvious in the closed quarters of the open living room.

“all because of-“

“yeah, well, and the distance is-“

“of course, of course, still-“

“yeah. No excuses.”

And the blonde man wonders how they can do that- having never heard each other’s voices- how the black-haired man can read his tone and answer without seeing him face, without staring like the blonde man does and is at his small face dwarfed by warm-toned sofa seat.

“You know, you’re shorter than I thought you’d be.”

“really?”

“well, from the photos-“

“ah. Well, my roommate’s- uhm, whatsit… like, five feet? One-twenty cm, whatever that is.”

“oh. Tiny.”

“yeah, tiny.”

And the black-haired man looks away again, towards the door that leads to a half-kilometer of nothing and no-one, and farmlands sat past that, so no-one was making any sort of noise or was otherwise expected. And it is warm inside the house, and they sit apart on the single sinking sofa, their hands next to each other but apart.

“god, you’re white.”

“well, that’s evident in-“

“yeah, photos but-“ the black-haired man reached out, tentatively placing their hands side by side, touching pinkies. “god, in person… it’s a lot.”

“hm.” The blonde man hummed to cover his sudden breathing. He didn’t know where to look, so he stared. “…The British have a lot to answer for.”

“ha! Maybe so,” the black-haired man seemed emboldened, he kept looking amiably about the blonde man’s face, starting to fully touch the surface of the Blonde man’s hands. “do you burn easily?”

“too much.” The blonde man nodded, looking up, jittery. He made a gesture, a short nod up, signaling to notice the field of faint freckles on his face. The black-haired man noticed only the quirk of his pink lips, puckering slightly as emphasis, and the youthful blemishes on his rounded chin that lead his eyes down to the soft expanse of neck and chest under the button-up. It was quiet awhile, both faced towards each other but looking away, choking on still coffee and stale air.

“how is the book-“

“So what did you think about me?-“

And the second the words were out they were still again. The Blonde man had been tentative, the black-haired man weakly attempting a mocking falsetto, crowded into a pose with his feet drawn up on the sofa. They finally locked eyes, both half-desperate and half-heartened, restraining the urge to laugh or cry out of politeness.

The black-haired man broke the gaze first.

“um, well- Book’s okay! Got it into querying, so that’s good.” He scrambled to stretch out again, break pose and settle further away into the arm of the couch, further away from the blonde man still looking at him, still stunned serious.

“good.”

“yeah, good. Pretty good.”

And the black-haired man couldn’t look forward but seemed to feel the stare still standing solid back at him.

“You’re… “ the blonde-haired man hesitated, voice low. “you’re older than I thought you.”

“hah! Yeah, I’m a geezer, right?”

“you’re handsome.”

And that gave the black-haired man some pause, the easy tone he’d suddenly taken then, as if suddenly reporting on some subject he was confident about, like there was somehow more shame in asking him about work than there was in breaking that barrier. And he kept watching and talking.

“you look old Hollywood. Like that one guy- god, what’s his name? He was in one of the older westerns…”

“…s’rude to make fun of folks like that, you know.” He could feel his voice was small, and suddenly those couple inches height seemed to have lost their worth.

“I’m not making fun.” The blonde man said, and he stood up from the couch with his empty mug of coffee, walking back to the corner kitchen and the dripping sink. Even from away, there was a certain elegance in the way he went about the movements of walking and washing the cup, hands flowing soft like thin silk in smooth motion. And the blonde-haired man didn’t speak, while the black-haired man watched and sat in relative silence.

He watched the blonde man wetting, washing, coming up to rub his neck and card through the short-shaved back of his nape. The blonde man ducked his head down, gathered water to wet his face, and his neck was slender and unmarked, snow-white, and the black-haired man could not explain why it made him hungry, recalled the scent of citrus, of the bitter pale-white pith.

He could feel and see the light outside the window finally waning into night, bathing the open room in cold grey-casted light, see its effect on the blonde man, patting his hands dry on his pants and glancing around for a light switch.

“hey- why don’t you bring the matches? Second drawer.”

A brief pause and elegant hands took up the order, diving into the dark of the white wooden cabinet and strolling back over to the sofa.

“do you know how to strike it?”

The blonde man plucks a match out of the box, stares down and strikes it on his teeth.

“I’m not that young.”

The black-haired man wants to make a joke of it- ask about the party trick, make light of the dramatic gesture. But sadly, it works, the blonde man’s little living movie scene gimmick, and while the air between them grows thick all he can do is breath in and lean back, salivate. Candles on the coffee table lit, the blonde man sinks into the seat next to him, breathes even in the silence and doesn’t look away from the flame.

Three years in a cold, golden counterweight. In a joke gone bad and a cheesy gimmick.

The blonde man swore to himself this wouldn’t end with them in bed.

The black-haired man swore inwardly that this could only end with them in bed.

And the night swore nothing, just lay itself on their laps, belly-up and threateningly expectant.

[volturialice]

Spork Haven chapter 24: fucking blinds and curtains

welcome to spork haven, where I spork the EL James fic you’ve never heard of

previous chapter | next chapter | contents

previously on Spork Haven:

panic! at the awards ceremony! the mafia tried to kidnap poor little orphan celloist rich bitch murder witness hotel maid!Bella! they were foiled by Jasper! actor!Edward looked into Jasper’s luminous hazel eyes and had a Moment! Bella dumped Edward’s ass! el james was transphobic!

it may seem like it’s gonna be all downhill from here after the thrilling emotional highs and lows of last chapter, but don’t worry, gang—chapter 24 has Esme! just bear with me until we reach The Part With Esme. there’s also a dog.

we open exactly where chapter 23 left off, seconds after Edward has been blindsided by the dumping of the century.

the first thing he does is grab Taylor and announce that they’re going to go get drunk. the second thing he does is shake Emmett’s hand and bid him a fond farewell. the third thing he does is say “Hale,” and walk out the door. wow. not even gonna look him in the luminous hazel eyes, huh? rude.

then we cut to the next morning, when Ed wakes up hungoverdrunk.

don’t ask me why the chapter couldn’t have just started here, because there is absolutely no reason.

Edward shows back up at the hospital stumbling drunk, looking like regurgitated roadkill, and asks the receptionist which room Bella is in. She tells him the room number, but Ed’s not really digging the look she’s giving him

ah yes. she should totally be rolling out the welcome mat for you, the unstable, visibly drunk ex-boyfriend of a patient who told you to leave and not return.

Emmett is outside Bella’s room and 

he refuses to let Edward enter, telling him Bella doesn’t want to see him and he’ll use force to keep him out if necessary. the beautiful feminist himbo we DESERVE! not even erika can ruin Emmett.

Edward leaves, feeling “so fucking impotent.” no word on what this means for the Dicksona.

then we get a nice disorienting time skip! it’s also a location skip. Edward is now in London, walking around a park with his parents and “Pansy my westie.”

Carlisle, Esme, and a dog? sounds too good to be true. 

it struck me immediately that having a dog—and a dog with a name—is WAY more of a personality trait than anything else Edward has displayed thus far. and “westie” seemed like a suspiciously specific detail, considering the general detail-less-ness of this fic. my first thought was “erika definitely has a westie named pansy,” so I googled “el james dog.” 

but of course erika doesn’t have a westie named pansy! she has a westie named max.

Esme and Edward have a heart-to-heart where she asks him what’s wrong.

you mean you don’t tell her about how “little Bella” makes your dick do the rumba? or about how you like to throw used condoms on the floor when you bother to use them at all? good choice, IDIOT.

Esme is consoling, but doesn’t really weigh in on the Bella situation except to say

which leads him to conclude

LMAO WHO WOULDN’T BE

Edward goes to chill in his old room at his parents’ house for a bit, calling it a “safe haven.” but wait, I thought the safe haven was Bella’s vagina? not anymore, I guess. while he’s lying around in his room, Edward fills us in on all the much more interesting events that have been happening...oh, offstage left. just out of frame. 

note that there is no word whatsoever on who Bella’s mysterious drag queen kidnapper was and whether or not they survived being shot. because why would we be interested in boring shit like that when we can read about Edward staring at the Arsenal posters on his wall instead? riveting.

then there’s a knock at the door���someone’s here to see Edward! 

is it Bella? 

no! 

it’s...Alistair. hi, Alistair.

in this fic, Alistair is Edward’s “old school chum” and they go out and get drunk together. there is absolutely no reason for the inclusion of this scene except that erika wanted the fakeout in the beginning where we think it’s Bella, and then she decided to really commit to the Alistair thing for some reason.

the next morning, Edward wakes up in his own apartment with another hangover, and erika delivers another classic Pulitzer Worthy™ sentence:

“light pierces my eyelids with...light.”

I’d like to pierce Edward’s eyelids with a good sharp stick.

the light is there because 

lol fucking dumb. he’s awakened again in the late afternoon by someone pounding on his door. is it Bella? no! it’s

hell yeah! oh, and Esme. Esme is also there. jackpot!

Edward instantly jumps to the most horrible possible conclusion, of course—that Bella must be dead.

a+ characterization, for once. but Emmett “cuts to the fucking chase” and assures Ed that Bella is fine. Edward’s reaction to this is to “double over with his hands on his knees.”

okay then. 

Esme and Emmett ignore him. Esme goes to the kitchen to make tea and pretend like she’s not listening in on Edward and Emmett’s conversation. she’s gonna have a hard time with this task because

meanwhile, Emmett delivers another infodump full of events ten times more interesting than any of this chapter’s actual contents:

why? because!

Edward admits he thought that Bella would come find him. Emmett says that’s not gonna happen, and Edward’s resulting confusion is conveyed thusly:

then Emmett drops the least interesting ““plot twist”” of all time:

oh gee, really? after getting rawed 24/7 and repeatedly nutted in without a condom? WHOEVER could have PREDICTED such a groundbreaking TWIST??

hey, this means that those of you who voted “she’s pregnant and she’s been poisoned” in the ol’ poll are our Winners! slide into my dms and tell me your favorite part of Safe Haven and I’ll make you a meme or something. in fact, slide into my dms if you voted in the poll at all! special shoutout to the person who specified “pregnant and roofied.” a+ predicting skills! alice is shaking.

of course, Edward handles the news very well

but perhaps a more interesting twist than Bella being pregnant is Emmett knowing about Bella being pregnant:

oh ok. so you came all the way across an ocean without her knowledge in order to share information she hasn’t told you and doesn’t want you to know.

but how does Emmett know about the pregnancy if Bella didn’t tell him, you ask? because he went through her trash and found the stick she pissed on, of course!

I take it back. maybe erika can ruin Emmett.

when Edward asks why Bella hasn’t contacted and told him, Emmett’s answer is

lol, women be shopping!! they sure love to gossip, apply makeup, and hide their pregnancies!!

Edward absorbs this information with the grace and maturity we all know and admire

hello child protective services i’d like to report a shitty author? her characters are too goddamn stupid to be trusted around fictional children of any kind and one of them is a legit psychopath. ma’am? ma’am? oh she hung up

Edward asks where Bella is now, and Emmett tells him she’s back in her New Orleans mansion. but it’s ok, she’s not alone! Jasper is also there as her security, keeping a luminous hazel eye on things. Edward is totally fine with this, by which I mean he immediately throws a screaming rage fit.

ugh, Jasper. what a dick. quick recap, once again, of everyone’s Crimes:

Jasper:

protected Bella for six months

risked his own safety to heroically save her life

Edward:

cheated on Bella with Tanya

refused to take no for an answer when she broke up with him—twice

showed up at her hospital room drunk, angry, and uninvited

fantasized about beating her as recently as ten seconds ago

Edward jumps up and resolves to go to New Orleans right now, and there the chapter ends abruptly. Like, really abruptly:

and that’s it, that’s the last sentence of the chapter. multiple sets of ellipses, but not a full stop in sight.

throwback to the very first meme I made for this series! 🤪✌️

best “fucks”

“I don’t fucking believe it”

“all the fucking madness”

“I stop fucking breathing”

“fuck knows what”

“fuck-off grin”

“so fucking flat” (edward)

“so fucking unnerving” (esme)

next chapter: gone with the fucking wind

[hollyand-writes]

Quarantine Q&A

I was tagged by the lovely @gremlinquisitor ❤️ Sorry it took me so long to get round to doing this!

Tagging: anyone who feels up to it -- like Erin said in her own post, take care of yourself first, and if you don’t feel like you can talk about this, then please don’t try to force it. ❤️

Are you staying home from work or school?

My husband and I have both been working from home since mid-March. I was already pretty much working from home before that anyway (been doing it for about a decade), so I was used to it and therefore don’t feel my life has changed dramatically. We’re really lucky that our jobs can be done 100% from home -- March and April were really busy months for both of us work-wise, so I think that helped us both cope and feel useful. 

In a weird way, lockdown didn’t/doesn’t upset or stress me out? I think it’s because I had a head start on worrying about the pandemic back in January: I have family in China/HK/SE Asia and I was really, really worried about them for a bit. I follow a few Chinese-language social media accounts of people based in China / East Asia and what was coming out of there was really, really bad -- sometimes worse than what was being reported in Western media -- and people over there were so angry and terrified for months before anyone in the West started worrying about it, I think. 

So, by the time the pandemic hit the UK and lockdown was announced, I think I was just relieved that finally there was something I could “do” about what was going on in the world, if that made sense??? I’d been reading these first-hand anonymous accounts “on the ground” in Chinese for two months by that point, so I felt like I kind of knew what to expect physically and emotionally. (My family and family-friends out there are all fine as far as I know, btw.)

If you’re staying home, who’s with you?

My husband. 9 weeks into lockdown and we’re still very much enjoying having each other around! He misses his colleagues, but he doesn’t miss his commute. We have the odd Zoom party and catch up with his family on FaceTime (it’s weird how it took a pandemic for us to think of video-calling them instead of phoning them), but yeah, he’s been great lockdown company and I love having him home! I don’t want him to go back to work LMAO! 

We work in the same room, but tend to be very good at focusing on our work during the work day, so we don’t really distract each other and give each other space when needed (mentally rather than physically, though; we live in a tiny flat with only like 3 rooms so it’s hard to give each other physical space). We play endless games of Civ6 against the other during breaks from work.

Are you a homebody?

Before 2020? No, not at all. But after lockdown started? I’ve been discovering the delights of just chilling at home with my husband, being busy and in-demand at work, writing, reading books, teaching myself Photoshop (working through an online course LMAO) and playing Civ. 

Also I’ve been really happy about all the money I’m saving from not going out and not buying anything apart from food and books LMAO! 

I’ve not really felt very talkative this year; and after lockdown started, that even extended to many of my real-life friends -- I’ve just felt happy staying at home and not talking to anyone except my husband, for some reason. (As an aside -- sorry to all of you on Tumblr and Discord for not chatting so much -- it’s not personal, it’s just whatever phase I’m going through, both IRL and online!) I’m not depressed or anything, I don’t think -- just happy doing my own thing for a bit.

An event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled.

The one that I was most gutted about was the Euro 2020 football tournament (soccer to you Americans of course) -- I had tickets to go to the final in July. But the organisers said they’ll hold the tournament next year and tickets will be valid, so I don’t feel so bad about it now. 

I miss the gym the most, I think. Everything else has kind of sorted itself out (even cancelled events), but the gym / working-out thing hasn’t. I started doing some home workouts with resistance bands at first, but I’ve fallen out of the habit of that somewhat -- it’s just not the same as having an actual barbell in your hands.

I was also meant to go on holiday to Greece with friends (12 of us) but that’s been cancelled. Funnily enough, when lockdown was announced in the UK I was secretly relieved, because I had a lot of social events lined up and my social life had been so busy up to that point that I was starting to get rather overwhelmed with it all. Turns out I’m an extrovert with a strong introvert streak.

What movies have you watched recently? What shows are you watching?

Hmmmm.... not really so much movies, I think. Aside from Frozen 2 (again). We’re currently working our way more through the 1994 BBC TV series of the classic novel Middlemarch (because I’ve been reading it), but we tend to play Civ, or read, or bake/cook, rather than watch TV.

What music are you listening to?

Gosh, loads, haha! The Frozen 2 soundtrack. Ibiza clubland tunes (to remind me of good times, LOL). Listened to old Eurovision tracks over the weekend (to get me in the spirit, even if Eurovision 2020 was cancelled). Attended virtual concerts that my friends in music bands have been holding. Pretty much everything you can imagine, whenever the mood strikes. Today I was listening to Suede’s Singles.

What are you reading?

Right now I’m reading “Middlemarch” by George Eliot; I’ve been getting through lots of books since February, both fiction and non-fiction.

That said, I’ve not really felt like reading fanfic much -- stopped reading Dragon Age fanfiction in December or January (and completely fell out of the fandom for a while, too) so I’m really behind on every longfic I was following. I’m only just starting to catch up on it all, in May, although I don’t see myself being in fandom/online that much. I’ll get to all your fics eventually! I’m just slow 😄

What are you doing for self-care?

Lots of things, and I think they’re helping because I’ve been coping OK so far (sorry this list is so long!): 

Staying offline -- especially off Tumblr and Discord and Twitter -- more often, which has really helped me get work done (sorry I’ve not been around much, though) and finally getting around to doing all those projects I didn’t have time to do / wasn’t home often enough to do is helping, especially when I can see progress being made 

Weekly therapy sessions -- started these last year when my brother got very seriously ill; the therapy sessions have now moved online via video-call rather than face-to-face and in-person, but I’m still keeping up with them through the pandemic. I haven’t felt like I need it, tbh, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to keep having therapy just in case...

Being grateful for how lucky I am -- I’m still alive and well for now, as are my loved ones, my husband and I are still in jobs / earning money, and things could be a lot worse; for example, at least I’m still able to go for walks in the park: my brother is officially a “vulnerable category” person who has to stay completely indoors and self-isolate for 12 weeks, even though he’s in remission; he can’t even go to the shops to get food

Working -- it’s been really nice sometimes to keep busy. The nature of my work means that unfortunately I can’t completely switch off from the news, so I tend to look at less of the bad and sad news and consume more the “how does the pandemic affect my specific specialism or field” news -- I find that limiting my news consumption is helping

Husband and I go for a walk in the park in the sunshine once a day (it’s been warm and sunny in London ever since lockdown started in March) for like 45 minutes a day. We have a really lovely park and I’ve taken lots of nice nature photos, and have discovered parts of the park and our neighbourhood that we didn’t know before, which has been very exciting 😁

We’ve been cooking and baking a lot more because we’re not commuting, and we’ve got time to cook ourselves nicer / healthier meals, and experimenting with baking puddings and cakes.

Taking multivitamins and fish oil every day, with boosters for Vitamin D3 and magnesium -- I actually think the latter has helped me sleep better and helped with motivation this year, but who knows LOL

FaceTime with husband’s family -- I actually think this lockdown has improved the quality of our relationships there, and they’ve been really happy to chat to us more often than usual

Just... not pushing myself on anything: usually I’m a really chatty and sociable person, but this year I’ve been far less chatty and just not felt so sociable, and just enjoyed being away from people to read and write or whatever. My one and only goal in 2020 is to survive it -- literally, given that there’s a pandemic on, LOL. Anything else is a bonus.

[gcldveins]

HELLOOOOOO everyone !!!!!!!! i just wanna say .. thank you SO MUCH for joining misty hollow with jin and i , you have no idea how happy it made us to see so many people interested and join and like .. just clearly so in love w their own muses so like i just wanna say i love u all with my whole freaking heart !!!! ok enough w the sappy stuff let me introduce to u all literally the worst muse i have ever created .. malcolm o’sullivan. but he goes by sully bc he was ur og e-boy who goes “ oh ? my favourite band ? you wouldn’t have heard of it .. they’re called the rolling stones uwu ” and i rlly do hate him for that... it’s okay tho i punish him accordingly :~)

overview

✎⌠paul rudd. cismale. he/him⌡❝ — well, look who’s just arrived ! if it isn’t the one and only malcolm o'sullivan. though, around here they’re known as the harlequin. don’t tell ‘em i said this but the forty-seven year old owner of o'sullivan’s books kinda has a reputation of being stubborn and irresponsible. but y’know, they can be creative and analytical too. typical aquarius. anyways, welcome home and stay safe sully ! ❞

statistics

full name: malcolm eamon o’sullivan

nickname(s): sully, anything else and he twitches ..

date of birth: february 2nd, 1973

hometown: misty hollow, connecticut.

gender identity: cis gender 

preferred pronouns: he/him

sexual orientation: bisexual

hogwarts house: ravenclaw

aesthetic: an old leather jacket thrown over a wrinkled t-shirt, dog-eared pages, the smell of alcohol and cigarettes, untied laces, the soft rumbling of a motorcycle engine, messy handwriting, calloused fingertips

distinguishable characteristics: is looking homeless a distinguishable characteristic..

pinterest board: here.

their song from the sigh no more album bc i love this album and it makes me Sad™ : little lion man 

background ( murder tw )

— born in the town of dingle, a small port town in ireland, malcolm and his family immigrated to america when he was ten years old. they moved into misty hollow after his father opened up his own bookshop and the o’sullivan’s have been there ever since. 

— always having been a rebellious child, malcolm ( slowly gaining the nickname sully in school ) seemed to have a knack for doing anything that pissed his father off. his greatest act ? moving out as soon as he graduated without so much as a goodbye.

— malcolm was only a wee lad when the misty hollow murders were happening. his older brother, his only brother, was unfortunately one of the victims, being eight at the time. he’s not too torn up about it, he was only two years old. but his father reminded him everyday growing up, how much smarter and accomplished and just overall better his brother was than him.

— the only thing that sully was grateful for about his father was the love for books he had ingrained into him. growing up, he developed a knack for writing and he ended up going to the university of pennsylvania for journalism. after that, sully moved out to new york where he worked as a journalist for the new york times and wrote articles on political updates and reports. 

— he met his wife in new york and they had three children together, two girls and one boy. sully was living the classic american dream. until, of course, it was all ruined in a single camping trip. 

— it was just sully and the three kids, except the trip was cut short and he had to come home with two kids instead of three. sully’s youngest, nancy, was taken at the campgrounds and evidence of her murder was found in a nearby cabin.

— this tore sully’s family apart. the tragedy forced him towards a downwards spiral, an endless cycle of destructive habits. it got to the point where his wife decided to divorce him and to take the kids with her. 

— sully eventually, reluctantly, made the decision to return to misty hollow. there, he stayed with his parents for a bit until he got a job at o’sullivan’s books and was able to take a couple months to get back on his feet. 

— his parents initially pushed him towards trying to work at the mystic herald but sully hasn’t written a single sentence since his daughter died. now, his father has essentially left him to run the bookshop for him, which sully doesn’t mind. it’s quiet work that doesn’t require too much effort.

personality

— to sum it up in one sentence .. sully has essentially has regressed into a man-child in the more recent years of his life, but the inferiority complex is a tried and true constant. 

— he hasn’t really properly dealt with his daughter’s death ( even though it’s been over a decade.. ), just lives in a constant cycle of whenever he does try to think about it, he feels like shit and just thinks about all the things he could’ve done differently so he stops immediately. 

— sully always wanted to be a dad, to prove that he could be a better one than his own father. so he feels like he really failed in that retrospect. he’s like a human pity party. though he does that classic thing where he glosses over his sad feelings with destructive behaviour and inappropriate humour.

— very self-indulgent, does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. as long as it makes him feel better, even just for a moment, he’ll do it. doesn’t take anything very seriously, just kinda jokes around all the time. is one of those people that just give off.. kinda pathetic vibes you know? like you look at him and you’re like ?? what are you doing with your life dude ?? and he’s like idk

— but, on the bright side, this makes him pretty easy-going and down-to-earth. definitely a roll-with-the-punches and no bullshit type of guy, isn’t discouraged by much and doesn’t care a whole lot about what others think of him. it’s easy for him to engage in conversation and be all charismatic when he feels like it. 

— despite all .. of that, sully actually comes across as a relatively okay guy. he can be friendly and crack a few jokes while he’s at it, he’s one of those people that, as long as thinks you’re chill, treats you like you guys have been friends forever. but he can be pretty crude / vulgar at times, sooo how others react to that is kind of a gamble !

wanted connections

his one true bro <3 just someone that’ll be a complete idiot with him and they are definitely a bad influence on each other. this person probably hangs around the bookshop alot and they just spend all day with each other doing and saying stupid shit. like you know that gif set of seth rogen and joseph gordon-levitt where one’s like “ i’d fuck you ” and the other goes “ thanks :3 ” that’s it.. those are the vibes..

drinking buddies ! these two just get really drunk off their ass together and probably don’t even know each other that well despite of like.. several years of sort of friendship. one night they’re probably five drinks in and sully goes “ when i was married — ” and they’re just like “ wayment .. what the fuck . ” and ! maybe if your muse has something to get emo about ! maybe they can get drunk AND emo together <3

casual relationships ? he could have one or two of these ! sully.. does not date. tried being in a serious relationship once after his divorce and it ended... terribly. like imagine asking your adult boyfriend if he wants to move in together and his response is essentially just “ ... yeah i’m ok thanks tho. ” and you never hear from him again ndijgnk

that being said... if anyone wants that plot alluded to above .... let me know......

for the younger muses out there ! anyone that he’s kind of ? taken under his wing. pseudo-children essentially. i can’t promise that he’ll be a good influence.. he’s probably not even aware that he’s done this lmao but deep down, sully’s still a dad. he’ll probably be protective over the youngins but shows it in the form of tough love, y’know ? probably tells your muse to stop being a shithead all the time, cute stuff like that.

and some more casual connection ideas that we can further flesh out through some plotting / brainstorming:

old friends from misty hollow

regular customers

co-workers

an unrequited crush ( either on sully’s end or your muse’s )

a good influence on him .. please... i’m begging you

someone that can nerd out over books with him !

friends !!! everyone needs friends and lucky for sully, he’s pretty good at making them !! in a pushy and annoying way..

enemies / frenemies pls ... these are always so much fun

anything and everything else !! if we can’t figure out a plot between sully and your muse, we can always just do it old school and throw them at each other in a random thread and see what happens !!

[mistymark]

the one with the cover [1] // j.y.n

part of the 21 jump street series  // jung jaehyun x reader // 3.7k words // masterlist

summary; in which jaehyun and y/n are detectives working undercover at NCT U as new recruits of the jump street program

warnings; violence (mentions of gun shots, gangs), frequent mention of drugs, mentions of overdose and other possible effects of drug use

requested; no :P

notes; testing out a new au !! we’ll see how it goes // also do u like the pun in NCT U?????? I think im so clever lmao

“Switch off the headlights,” he mumbles to you in the dark, the binoculars held against his face as he watches the shed door.

You do as he said, though with an eye roll, and stare vaguely in the direction of the large shed. It’s almost like a hangar, the darkness of the night shielding the entrance from view with only a small amount of light illuminated from a single bulb by the dock. A large metal roller door is firmly closed, a much smaller door beside it safely locked shut from the inside.

The other cars parked around you are of similar model and age to the cover car, the faded black paint matching the dull hues of the vehicles along the curb.

“Door’s opening,” Jaehyun reports, quickly glancing over the top of the binoculars, and pointing at one of the men exiting the building. “The duffel bag. That’s the trade-off.”

You nod and watch the man walk to one of the glossy, no doubt new, cars parked by the warehouse, and record the number plate. Ducking down to send the plate to the awaiting officers, you shield the light from illuminating the car and exposing you.

Suddenly, there are shouts, and you reach your arms over your head to protect yourself from the incoming bullets, the shots echoing loudly into the night. Jaehyun immediately does the same, leaning down below the dash. There are blue and red lights illuminating your car and the street as police patrol cars speed down the deserted road, officers stepping out with their guns raised, waiting to arrest the men from the warehouse.

“We had them,” you stated through gritted teeth, huffing and crossing your arms over your chest as you stared at your captain. “I was sending the plates to Friedland and suddenly it was a shooting range.”

“Detective L/N, the commissioner said you would have until midnight, so that’s what they gave you,” Captain Holland pinches the bridge of his nose, attempting to hide the frustration on his face.

Jaehyun leans forward, resting his arms on the table as he analyses the captain’s expression, “He got away, didn’t he?”

At this, Captain straightens, “That is not information you need to know. You two have been removed from the case.”

You and Jaehyun stand up, your chairs falling backwards, “What?”

“You were told this was your saving grace from an already bad streak. According to my superiors, this case should’ve been solved by now. You’ve been removed. The commissioner’s assigning two detectives from the sixty-fifth precinct to take over.”

Huffing in annoyance, you pick up your chair and drop down into the seat, “So, what do we now? Help the new detectives?”

Jaehyun glances at you worriedly, “There’s gotta be a hand-off, right? Show them everything we’ve learnt and-”

“No.” Holland grabs your attention again and steps back from the small metal table. By the way he was standing, and the fact that it was an interrogation room, you felt as though you were the criminal, the one being interrogated. One quick glance at Jaehyun told you he was feeling the same way. “There will be no hand-off process. You two are being moved to another division.”

“We’re being demoted?!” You were incredulous; despite the recent bad luck with this case, you and Jaehyun were the best detectives at the precinct.

“Reassigned,” Holland corrected, and glanced back at the large metal door, the small window revealing a short man in a suit. He cocked his head to the side in invititation. The smaller man walked in.

“Detective L/N, Detective Jung, so nice to finally meet you,” the man took a seat in the chair on the opposite side of the table, the one the captain had refused to sit in. The way he spoke made you feel that it wasn’t nice to finally meet you, and his smile was taut on his face. “I’m Mr Choi, manager of the reassignment office.” You had to resist from rolling your eyes. There was no reassignment office; just a small disgusting corner in which the reassignment officers worked. This guy probably ‘manages’ three people.

You glanced at your captain who, from the slight lift at the corner of his mouth and the raised eyebrow, was also disbelieving of this man’s position. The fact that the captain was amused made you feel a little better.

Until he spoke again.

“You’re being assigned to the Jump Street Program.”

“The jisp?” Jaehyun’s mouth dropped open.

“No way. Is this a prank?” You glanced at the captain, who’s face had returned to its normal neutral expression. He gave you a piercing look, and you shut your mouth, turning back to Mr Choi.

“The Jump Street Program is one of the most covert operations of the state, and we thought it would be best since you’ve been dropped from the Genghis case.”

“That program is a joke,” you glanced between the men before you, looking from the captain to the manager. “They’ve never solved a case.”

“And that’s what we’re hoping to change. You two are some of the best detectives in the state, and now that you’ve been pulled from your case, it’s the perfect opportunity to improve the Jump Street Program.”

Your captain moved his arms to his suit pant pockets, “You will receive more information by the end of the day. You are to tell no one of your whereabouts. The precinct thinks you are going undercover for a few months; do not make them think otherwise.”

You hold the paper out in front of you again before glancing up at the building before you. Maybe it’s the broken windows, or the massive keep out scrawled across the front doors, but you think you’re in the wrong place.

“Hey,” Jaehyun calls out to you from his car, a small beaten blue thing that looks like it belongs on the street of decrepit buildings. “I drove down here twice thinking I’m in the wrong place. Is this it?”

You glance at the writing again, 21 Jump Street, East Neol. “It says 21 here,” you point at the masses of graffiti covering the front of the building, “It says 21 there.”

Jaehyun pulls his backpack over his shoulder and grabs the duffel bag from his feet, “Guess we should go in, then.”

You watch him walk up the steps of the building, almost falling down the concrete stairs when a rock shifts under his foot and decide to follow him inside.

The inside of the building matches its exterior; old, dilapidated and empty. You catch sight of a red arrow painted on one of the walls, under slogans of expletives and follow it through a doorway to what probably used to be a kitchen. Another red arrow points you to the kitchen cupboard and you open it, revealing a lit stairway downwards. The cleanliness of stairway indicates it’s probably what you’re looking for, and you hope it’s not leading to a secret meth lab as you begin your descent.

“Y/n?” You hear Jaehyun’s voice call from another room.

“Yeah, kitchen.” You call back and carry your bags down the stairs and find a girl sitting at a stark white desk, looking rather bored.

You open your mouth to ask her if you’re in the right place when she looks up, but she gives you an unimpressed look, “You’re late.”

Without another word, she opens a drawer in the desk and presses a button, the wall to her right sliding open to reveal a large basement. The place is about as large as a church, with a few tables scattered around with large computers and what appears to be old lab equipment, the type you’d see in high schools. At the centre of the room, below a disco ball hanging from the ceiling, is a large glass box, a single white desk inside and a scowling man looking right at you. Jaehyun joins your side after a moment, and raises his eyebrows in awe at the space.

The scowling man lets the door of his office open, and slides a microphone along his desk. When he speaks, it echoes around the room, “For detectives, it sure took you a long time to find this place.” He breaks into a faux grin, no doubt already unimpressed with you. You hear him mumble “I told them we didn’t need anymore” as he slid the microphone back along his desk, before rising to exit the glass cube.

You share a confused look with Jaehyun as the man approaches you. He shrugs and walks to meet the man. As he approaches, you denote that he is much younger than your previous captain, probably only a few years older than yourself. But a quick look around at all the other people working silently tells you everyone here is probably a lot older than they appear. They have to fit in at universities and high school after all.

When he meets you, he promptly turns on his heel and starts walking to the corner of the room, a large whiteboard and a few chairs set up around it the only things adorning it. “I don’t believe in standing around and talking. Walk with me. I’m the Captain of the JSP, we’re currently investigating a recent outbreak of the drug Genghis that has infiltrated Neol Computer Tech University,” your widened eyes match Jaehyun’s, “and we have already sent a few officers to pose as students, but, maybe, it might be useful to have some detectives on the case. Sit down.”

He gestures to the picnic chairs facing the whiteboard and turns on a projector. You do as he says and drop your bags by your feet.

“This is what the Genghis looks like: a small plastic baggy with a picture of the one and only Genghis Khan on the front. You’ll know you’ve got the real thing when Khan is holographic. There have been two hospitalisations and one death at NCT U already, all three victims seemingly have no relations; no common courses, clubs, no reason to meet or speak.” The slide flicks from a photo of the drug to a picture of a girl, “Catherine Smith, hospitalised after a house party two weeks ago. In the middle of completing her PhD in Biochemistry.” The slide changes again. “Michael Lee, hospitalised after almost overdosing in his dorm room. His roommate came home and called the ambulance. First year in an Arts degree. Member of the campus football club.” He changes the slide again. A girl in glasses beams widely at the camera. You hear the captain’s voice soften slightly, “Elizabeth Kim, died of organ failure after Genghis caused toxic hepatitis in her liver. Last year of her commerce degree, she was working at an internship in the city, had a long-term boyfriend and, according to her closest friends and family, had never been in contact with recreational drugs.”

It felt like the other people in the room had quietened at the mention of Elizabeth Kim.

“She died three weeks into our investigation.” He glanced around the room, “It’s still pretty raw.” A quick glance at you and Jaehyun made his lips quirk up into a grin you couldn’t tell was real or fake, “Ready to receive your assignments?”

The boxes were stacked high in the hallway as you pushed through to find your dorm room. Jaehyun followed behind you, a box held in his hands, “Wait, aren’t you 223?”

“Yeah, why?” You examined each sign on the door as you passed, looking for your room.

“Uh, Y/n?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s back here.”

You spun around and walked towards him, looking at the door number he was pointing to, “Oh.” You grabbed your card from your pocket, shifting the box in your arms as you attempted to open the door with one hand.

The door swung open to reveal your dorm, one side already fully furnished, posters adorning the walls and piles of paper already sat on the desk on the right side. A girl who looks to be about your age spins around in the desk chair when the door bangs against the wall and grins, immediately standing to shake your hand, “Hi, I’m Abigail. I’m your roommate! I hope you don’t mind I took the bed on the right; I thought you might prefer the room away from the stairwell.”

You were shocked at her eagerness and shook her hand, “Y/n. Nice to meet you. And no, that’s fine, thank you.”

You turn to Jaehyun, who looks amusedly on at your encounter, and wrinkle your nose at him. Abigail leans to the side to see the door, and her mouth drops slightly at the sight of Jaehyun, “Oh, is this your boyfriend?” She walks forward with her hand out to greet him, and he awkwardly places the box he’s carrying in the middle of the doorway to shake it.

“Uh, no. This is my brother, Jaehyun.”

Her smile seems to broaden slightly, “It’s a pleasure. I’m Abigail.”

He nods at her with a small smile and a simple, “Hi.”

Jaehyun kicks the box to the side and you scowl at the possibility of something breaking. His grin widens, “You’ll be alright to bring the rest of your stuff up, right? I’ve gotta go find my room.”

You nod and shout a quick thanks as you begin unpacking the meagre amounts of things in the boxes. When the door closes, Abigail turns to you, “Oh my God, I know I just met you, but your brother is gorgeous.”

You smile awkwardly at the comment, and point to the box you’d just finished unpacking, “Do you know where I should put this?”

She grins and grabs it from you, “Hot tip: keep the boxes in the bottom of your wardrobe. They’re really good for storage and for when you eventually move out. Unless you’re like me and live in this room for years.”

“You’ve lived in this room for years?”

She shrugs and lays down on her bed, “Yeah, I’m in my final year of commerce, and then I’m free!” She waves her hands above her head. You mentally note that she’s in the same course and year as the Genghis victim, wanting to ask her about that some more once you get to know her. “I’ve been in room 223 for the past four years, and I’ve always had the right side, even though it’s the bad side. I don’t know, I guess I’m just used to the foot traffic from the stairwell.” She pats the wall contently, as though the sounds of people moving around when you’re trying to sleep isn’t the most infuriating thing in the world.

You nod and laugh, “Wow, I’m in my second year. I did my first at Neol State.”

“Is your brother new, too?”

It takes you a second to remember Jaehyun is your brother now. “Yeah, he’s first year. Something in Commerce, I never listen.”

“I’d listen to anything if it came from that face,” Abigail sighs, before quickly sitting up. “Wait, do you know about the student mixer on the North Lawn tomorrow? Everyone goes. We should go together! You can invite your brother, too. It’s not fancy, but make sure you wear something nice; it’s good for scouting boys.”

You nod again and remind her you still need to unpack, and she smiles in understanding before leaving the room to help a girl across the hall manoeuvre a couch into her dorm room.

When you’ve finally finished unpacking and sit on your (now made) bed, you glance over at Abigail’s side of the room. It’s quiet without her there – she’d gone to meet some friends – and you took the opportunity to read some of the information your new captain had sent you about Genghis. Most of it, you already knew, due to your own Genghis case, and you couldn’t help but feel guilty at the knowledge that if you’d caught the suppliers sooner, these students might not have been hospitalised or killed.

You had texted Jaehyun to find him, and possibly catch up to make a plan, but he hadn’t responded yet.

Part of you was excited to experience university life, having gone straight to the police academy after doing a degree before you’d graduated high school through an early commencement program, and becoming a detective. You had met Jaehyun at the academy, and, whilst you had been shocked by his immensely attractive features, you’d quickly become fast friends after being partnered up for a few assignments. You’d worked so well together that you ended up graduating and being accepted to the same precinct, and later working together once again.

“Knock, knock!” You heard Jaehyun’s melodic voice from behind your bedroom door, and you were surprised at the excitement and joy evident in his voice, even though it was slightly muffled from the wood separating you. You got up from your bed and opened the door, only to be greeted by a slightly wet Jaehyun, his hair sticking to his face, clothes to his chest and water dripping down his arms.

You raised your eyebrows at him and walked to throw him a towel, “Why are you wet?”

“My roommate is part of the water polo club, they had a water fight on the lawn to promote it so more people would sign up,” he grinned at you, shaking the towel into his hair to dry it. “I came to ask you what clubs you’re signing up for. I thought I’d take chess and water polo like Michael, and Elizabeth was in a Christian society, so I thought I’d join that. Can you take Catherine’s clubs?”

You nodded and grabbed a bag, throwing it over your shoulder, “Wasn’t she in the dog society? And chocolate society?”

He bumped his shoulder against yours as you walked down the hallway, “Those are the clubs you want to take.”

You laughed and pushed him away, “Don’t do that, you’re wet!”

He held his arms out, “Is this an invitation for a hug? I think you want a hug.”

You held your fists out in front your face, “Touch me again and I’ll punch you into the next dimension.”

He backed off almost immediately, struggling to walk from laughing so hard, “You know, you can’t threaten to punch people here. They don’t know how good you are at it, and they’ll underestimate you, or think you’re joking.”

You pressed the button for the elevator, “Yeah, but you know I’m not.”

He followed you into the lift, a cheeky grin evident on his face, “True.”

“Join the NCT U A Cappella Club! It’s super fun and you don’t have to have experience!” A girl in a bright pink shirt shouted in your ear as you passed the a cappella club table. You shrunk forwards in an effort to get out of ear shot.

“She definitely has a voice on her,” you say, glancing around at the club tables and societies adorning the lawn.

“Yeah, you should join. Oh, wait, they don’t have an Attitude Club, here,” Jaehyun laughs as he dodges your fist, and soon joins you again by your side and walks between the tables. “How many clubs have you joined?”

“None yet,” you frown at the list on your phone. “So you’re taking chess- ” You stop to look up at Jaehyun, “Do you even know how to play chess?”

“Well, no, but I can learn,” he shrugged, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Can’t be that hard.” His gaze shifts to a group of boys in black and white shirts laughing and hitting each other across the lawn. The sign above their table reads “NCT U Bosses” but the sign on the front of the table reads “Alpha Nu”. Jaehyun looks back down at you, “When you’ve joined some clubs, let me know which ones I need to join, okay?”

You turned as he walked around you, “Wha- where are you going?”

“I’m,” he pointed at himself, grinning, “going to join a frat.”

You rolled your eyes as he winked and turned around to walk away from you towards the fraternity’s table. “Make good choices,” you mumbled after him.

“I’ll meet you for dinner, yeah?” Jaehyun yells.

You hold up a thumbs up to gesture that yes, you will meet him for dinner later, and walk over to the first club you need to join.

“I joined Habitat for Humanity and the Youth Charity Society,” you said, picking at the fries next to your burger in the small diner opposite Jaehyun. “How many community service clubs did Catherine join?”

Jaehyun laughed and stole a fry from your plate, “Considering I had to join the Wildlife Conservation Society and the dog society one, a lot.” You batted his hand away as he reached over to steal another fry.

“Did you get accepted into that frat? The NCT U Bosses one?”

He laughed, “They’re actually called Alpha Nu, but they’re all really nice guys. I have to pass some sort of test to be accepted.”

You leaned back in your seat, giving him the perfect opportunity to reach over and steal a handful of fries, “Ah, an initiation. When is it?”

Jaehyun shrugged as he drank out of the large cup in front of him. He continued, “You should join a sorority. What if the dealer is one of the sorority girls? It could be some sort of drug cult.”

You laugh and throw a fry at him, “I can’t believe you’re stereotyping the good sororities of this university.” You paused long enough for him to look surprised and a little guilty, “But you’re totally right. The one I passed was actually pink themed. It’s like they want people to think they’re unintelligent. The girl handing out fliers was doing a doctorate in science, it’s not like they’re stupid.”

When he raised an eyebrow at you, you continued, your voice lowered, “We should focus on the case.”

“We are focusing on the case,” Jaehyun smiled. “We’re just having a little fun.”

You quirked an eyebrow at him, “Not too much fun.”

He nodded, his smile wide enough for his dimples to show. “Of course not.”

[eldritchsurveys]

293.

Do you feel ok right now? If not, when was the last time you felt good? >> Yeah, I feel all right.

What was the last candy you ate? >> A fruity gummy of some sort.

Do you shop at the dollar store often? >> Not often.

Which decade was your favorite for fashion trends? >> I’m not sure.

Do you like the current fashion trends? >> I don’t even know what they are. But I guess considering I can never find anything that suits me in regular, trend-aware stores, I guess I don’t.

What was the last shocking news you heard? >> I haven’t heard anything that shocked me recently.

Do you have a youtube channel? >> No.

When was the last time you felt walked on? and did you stand up for yourself? >> I don’t remember the last time I felt this way, but it probably was when I was still with Hallie. I didn’t stand up for myself the way I should have -- as in, cutting off contact -- for a while, but eventually I had no choice.

Do you wish you had a voice? >> What? I have a voice.

Who is the strangest (or one of the strangest) person you've met? >> Myself???? Like.

Have you ever had a false rumor spread about you? >> Yeah.

What are you struggling with currently? >> Chilling the fuck out. My brain has adopted this feedback loop of finding things about me and my habits and activities to nitpick about, and it’s getting aggravating.

What does your heart wish for? >> *shrug*

Does it make you angry when people spread false information online? >> It doesn’t make me angry, it’s just annoying.

Do you forgive yourself for your mistakes? >> I make an honest attempt to do so, at least. I do succeed usually, but sometimes it’s hard.

What color was the last purse you wore? >> ---

Do you know anyone who thinks that he or she is God? and did you know this is a symptom of schizophrenia? >> I consider myself a god and I don’t have schizophrenia. I don’t consider myself to be the Christian God specifically, though, to be fair. (Back when I was still tripping heavily, I did have a short period of time when I was convinced that my life was a mirror of Christ’s, but that’s just the kind of thing that happens when you trip a lot. Pattern recognition and magical thinking goes fucking haywire as fuck, especially if you’re already prone to it.) 

Have you ever been abused by a police officer? >> No.

Name one friend who had a parent who was in jail. >> ---

Do you know anyone who is very ignorant? >> Not personally.

Does it annoy you when ignorant people think they know everything? >> Well, yeah, it’s annoying. But, you know, Dunning-Kruger and all.

When was the last time someone said something mean & offensive to you? >> I don’t remember.

Do you let others walk on you? >> No.

What color was the last cup you drank out of? >> I usually drink out of a mason jar.

If you don't mind my asking, how much do you weigh? >> I don’t know how much I weigh currently, but I assume it’s still between 140 and 150 pounds.

Are you happy with your current weight? >> Not... necessarily. But I try not to think about it too much because it just leads to pretty awful thought patterns and behaviour.

Has anyone tried to kill you and then played the victim? >> lmao WHAT

What is your favorite board game? >> I don’t have one.

Can you remember the last time you played a board game? >> Vaguely.

List three traumatic memories you have. >> Why on Demeter’s green earth would I do that.

Have you ever been misdiagnosed with something by a bad doctor? >> Yeah, several times.

If you don't mind my asking, when was the last time you had diarrhea? >> ...............

Do you feel that your talents and gifts are overlooked? >> Not really.

Do you feel unloved? >> Yeah, but that’s a me problem.

Do you believe along with Mother Terese that the most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved? >> Yeah, I kind of agree with that.

Do you prefer sunny days or cloudy days? >> Sunny days, definitely. I am solar-powered.

Do you have a painful past? >> Yes.

Would you live in a Christian community if you could? >> No.

What was the best time of your life? >> ---

Who do you hate the most? >> I don’t hate anybody. Feels like a waste of time to even bother. ...I wouldn’t mind having a kismesis, though, that sounds like it could work.

Do you own a white board? >> Yeah, we have one in the kitchen area but we don’t use it anymore.

When was the last time you were hugged? >> I don’t remember.

Do you get hugs often? >> No, because I don’t enjoy them.

Do you love your enemies? >> I don’t have any...

How many pounds would you like to lose? >> Between ten and twenty.

What size do you wear in juniors, if applicable? >> I don’t know.

Which season's colors do you look best in? >> All but winter’s, I’d imagine. I mean, I look fine in wintry colours, too, but they’re not as complementary to my skintone.

Do you trust anyone? >> ???

Do you trust your doctor? >> I don’t have one.

Name something God has healed you of. >> Not applicable.

When was the first time you encountered God? >> The first time I encountered a god was about seven or so years ago.

If applicable, how old were you when you got saved? >> I don’t remember the last time I tried to go through one of those Christian rituals. It’s been a long time.

Have you been baptized, and if so, where? >> Yeah, as a child, although I’m sure it doesn’t count anymore (because it’s not my religion, and also because I didn’t... choose the ritual, it was done to me without my full understanding or even consent). 

What color was your high school graduation gown? >> I don’t remember.

Do you go for days without washing your hair? >> Yeah, I usually go between a week and two weeks between washings. I don’t have the kind of hair that demands or thrives on frequent washings.

Do you miss anyone who was loving then turned cold? >> No.

Have you ever had to block & report an admin on facebook? >> No.

[s-driesen]

time may change me (but i cant trace time) chapter 2/6

Ten is for Learning- 3k words

Read on ao3

previous chapter / next chapter

Summary: Summer comes around again at ten and eleven, and Robbe is starting to wonder if he really does have a crush on that girl in his class, despite something feeling massively OFF.

Featuring: Fifa, sore losers and the shambles that are Robbe's parents.

TW: implication of violence (two adults arguing), uneducated stance on mental illness (Robbe’s like ten lmao)

Robbe didn't exactly know the science behind global warming, but in the thick of Antwerp's heat wave he had a reason to believe in it. All the window's in his house had been thrown open as soon as him and Sander had rushed inside, hiding from the sun. After hours of wandering aimlessly around their neighbourhood, they were sick of the beating heat, thirsty and ready to laze about doing absolutely nothing. It had been a great day so far, both of them in the best of moods, joking and laughing in the way they usually did, but with an extra layer of carefree glee on top of the normality. In fact, Robbe's cheeks still hurt from laughing an hour after they had sprawled onto his couch, ready to pig out until Sander had to leave. The entire day, Sander wouldn't stop making absolutely stupid jokes, the one's verging on crude that made the other boy lose it every single time. Even as Robbe turned his Xbox on, he was giggling, telling Sander to 'shut up' in fear of his mum overhearing (even if he knew she wouldn't). It took them both a couple of long minutes to calm down enough to figure out what game they were going to play. It was Fifa of course, Sander would usually complain, but he knew Robbe was too tired to move from the couch to change the disks over.

Robbe's shirt was sticking to him and the room was so stuffy despite the light breeze that streamed in from the open windows. The water he'd got for the both of them had turned warm in minutes of coming out of the tap, unpleasant and nowhere near as refreshing as they'd hoped it would've been. His hair clung to his forehead and his neck- Robbe's mum was right, maybe it was way too long for such hot weather. For a second he thought back to Sander a couple of years previous, in his big hoodies under the sun. Robbe didn't know how he'd dressed like that on the warmest of days without passing out. Honestly, Robbe never grew to understand why he did wear such baggy clothes. And it was too late to ask. Sander had changed his 'fashion sense' now, donning short sleeves and 3/4 cargo pants, decked out in a t-shirt Robbe was pretty sure he'd seen Sander's older brother, Ross,wear.

''You keep on missing! What are you even doing, Robbe?'' Sander teased, gesturing wildly at the footballers on screen, laughing as he scored yet another goal. No matter how much Sander complained about Fifa it didn't stop him from beating Robbe nearly every time they played.

''I wasn't paying attention! Oh my god, stop, at least give me a chance to pass-'' Being younger than Sander sometimes made Robbe feel like he was at a disadvantage, it wasn't a big gap (only a year and two months between them), but Sander always seemed so much more sharper than his friend. The infinite amount of wisdom an eleven year old had compared to a ten year old seemed massive to Robbe. Sander scored again, and Robbe was pretty much done.  

''You're not even playing properly now!'' Sander grinned, knowing that he'd won quickly enough to annoy Robbe ''Don't be a sore loser, Ijzermans...''

''I'm not a sore loser, I just wasn't paying attention! Re-match, come on'' Robbe sat forward, in a slow effort to make himself pay more attention, hoping that he might suddenly get better at the game- despite the fact he didn't really know what he was doing. He could feel Sander's amusement even if he wasn't facing him, that toothy grin and the slightly patronising eyebrow raise he always shot Robbe before he made a fool of himself. Sander scored nearly as soon as the match started. There was a short silence as Robbe dropped his controller in mock disbelief, before Sander burst into a fit of laughter, falling backwards on the couch and Robbe shook his head.

"HOW? That's so unfair...You suck!" He had to shout over Sander's laughter, gesturing wildly at the TV screen. Robbe was laughing too now, and his was tummy hurting from the way he doubled over, hand clutching his chest. Every single time there was a dip in the severity of their giggles, Sander would look at Robbe and the tears in their eyes would make them lose it all over again. In moments like those, Robbe realised how Sander was the only one who could make him laugh like that, all incoherent noises and snorts, loud and boldly uncontrolled. Jens and the other kids at school were funny, but they didn't know how to make Robbe's eyes water, and his dimples pop, like Sander did. Through spluttered giggles, after a couple of painfully joyous minutes Sander managed to say "That was embarrassing...Seriously" Robbe merely stuck his tongue out at him in response, still flushed in the face and warmer than he had been all day. Sander, huffing, put his controller to the side before glancing at Robbe sideways- clearly mischievous. "What would your Noor think of that?"

Robbe's grin faltered for the first time since that morning. And he didn't know why, exactly. That was the issue he'd been having recently.

Noor was a girl in Robbe's class. A friend, as well as a girl. She sat opposite him on their group's table, and the pair of them got along so easily. Like they'd known one another since kindergarten. You see, Noor played video games too, her brother had a PS4, and her and Robbe would sit and talk about GTA when they were supposed to be doing classwork- much to Miss Visser's dismay. Surprisingly, to Robbe's dense 10 year old brain, she was very good at them, knowing tricks that he hadn't gotten around to learning yet and being happy to help him. Fifa wasn't her thing though...He wondered for a second if that was why he was so bad at it.She'd smile at a remark like that. Noor smiled a lot, and she wouldn't hesitate to laugh at Robbe's stupid jokes either- the one's that he'd definitely stole from Sander. She make Robbe laugh a lot too, it only took him a couple of weeks to realise that being friends with her was almost as fun as being friends with Jens. The only downside to talking to Noor was the whispers that followed their every interaction. That was the issue Robbe had had recently. A boy and a girl talking, laughing, joking, smiling together meant one thing to everyone- one of them had a crush. And Robbe didn't exactly know what one of those was.

He'd made the mistake of asking Jens, of course. Which didn't help. Whilst Jens was one of the smartest in their class, he'd never really had a way with words. The pair had been sitting on one of the playgrounds walls during recess when Robbe had blurted out ''How do you know if you have a crush on someone?''

Jens had stopped eating his crackers to crane his neck in Robbe's direction, quirking an eyebrow whilst brushing a long strand of black hair out of his eyes. He shrugged at first, slowly chewing as he paused to think. After such suspense Robbe was expecting a groundbreaking answer, one that would provide clarity and help him decide if he actually did have a 'crush' on Noor. But instead, all he got was something mildly underwhelming, mumbled through a mouthful of cracker dust.

''You...like them a lot. And they make you feel nice....And you think they're, like, pretty, i guess?''

''That's it?'' Robbe had shaken his head in dismay, even more confused than he had been before he'd asked. The thing was, Robbe could apply that logic to a lot of people. Sander made him feel nice, he would always compliment Robbe when he did something good, laugh when subjected to his poor attempts at original humour and listen when he told long, winding stories. Robbe liked Sander a lot. Objectively he was pretty too, all of the girls in Sander's year said so. They'd stand by the football pitches sidelines, crooning, whenever he played; all gushing and grinning. Robbe thought that was gross, for some reason. The idea of girls blushing over Sander was definitely gross. The idea of someone having a 'crush' on Sander was even more repulsive to Robbe.

''Yeah, that's it Robbe...'' Jens dusted the cracker crumbs from his pants, crumpling the packet in his grubby hands before shoving it in one of his trouser's pockets. He took a second, as Robbe ran over that shabby definition one hundred times in his head, before curiously asking ''Are you asking because of Noor?''

Robbe didn't want to answer that, so he didn't say anything at all. His mum told him silence was always an acceptable answer. But what he didn't know was the numerous ways silence could be interpreted. Because, in response to his friends silence, Jens made the answer up for himself. The other's face broke out in a blossoming grin, all Cheshire-cat like, as he hopped down from the wall. ''You have a crush on her?'' He said the words too loudly for Robbe's liking, bouncing like some sort of excitable puppy, just ecstatic enough to draw attention from the younger kids hovering around them. A pit grew in Robbe's stomach of the idea of that rumour spreading...Of Noor hearing. Of Noor wanting to be his girlfriend.

''No!'' Robbe's vehement defence just egged on his 'best' friend, though. Jens was laughing too loudly, insisting that he thought so, and profoundly declaring that Robbe was 'in love'. It was embarrassing, Robbe could still feel the heat his cheeks had filled with, as he sat on the couch staring at Sander.

''Earth to Robbe...Ground control wants a report'' Sander cupped a hand over his own mouth, mimicking the sound of a walkie-talkie as he shuffled up the couch in order to stab at Robbe's arm with his finger. He shook his head in response, letting out a strained laugh as the slight dread in his stomach lifted- Sander's idiocy never failed to make him feel better. But after his and Jens' conversation, that fact made Robbe scrunch up his face.

''How did you find out about that? Did Jens tell you?'' He mused, trying to act cool in the face of such an awkward subject. Sander could read him like a book though, and he only smiled wider at Robbe's mannerisms, folding his arms to exaggerate his smugness.

''Yeah, but Noor's friends are LOUD so...It wasn't like that was the only way I could've found out'' Sander was undeniably proud of himself and his nonexistent detective skills, he was looking at Robbe expectantly, like he was supposed to say something. Robbe stared at him in confusion, mouthing a small 'what?' before Sander rolled his eyes, still positively beaming. Of course Sander was thriving off this stupid situation. Crushes and girls were his thing,after all, despite how much he'd protest that exact fact. Sander had gotten his first girlfriend a couple of weeks after him and Robbe had met. To no ones surprise, her and Robbe hated each other. She was mean, to be fair to Robbe, always calling him 'little' and a baby. Sander had boldly broken up with her in the middle of recess after she tripped Robbe for 'stealing' Sander... Whatever that had meant. ''Are you not going to tell me anything about her then?''

''There's nothing to tell you about''

''But you have a crush on her...'' Sander protested ''I told you everything when I had a crush on Engel last month'' Robbe was starting to realise how many of Sander's crushes he didn't like. Engel was annoying, and loud, and too girly. All of them were too girly, too obsessed with makeup and clothes, stuff that Robbe didn't care about. But, Noor wasn't. In reality, Robbe liked Noor. He just didn't know if what he felt qualified as a crush.

''I don't know if i have a crush on her'' He hesitated before continuing, looking down at the controller he still gripped in his hands, fingers incessantly fiddling with the buttons to ease his nerves ''She makes me happy and I think she's pretty, but I don't know if that's what a crush is...Like-' Robbe paused for a moment, pursing his lips as he thought. He swallowed quickly before mumbling ''I don't want her to be my girlfriend, girlfriends are kind of gross.''

Finally, he managed to look at Sander, suddenly grateful for the influx of warm weather and sunburn due to the heat radiating off of his cheeks. Speaking about girls was new territory for the two...Robbe was spectacularly uncomfortable. He was expecting Sander to still be beaming, delighted at his friends discomfort and embarrassment when speaking about his speculated crush like Jens usually did. But instead, he looked oddly serious- as serious as an 11 year old could get.

''Why do you think girlfriends are gross?'' It was a sincere question, asked out genuine curiosity, but Robbe still couldn't think of an answer that sounded logical.

''They just do. They, like, take up all of your time. A-and speak about girl stuff. And...'' Robbe's words all came out in one breath, frustrated and confused ''I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with you, you know?''

Sander nodded in agreement, understanding as always. Robbe liked when he did that, always seeming to get what he was saying without ever really trying. It helped Robbe be able to breathe easier, the initial panic at his teasing subsiding after one loaded look. Being unable to hang out with Sander because of some girl was something Robbe never ever wanted, he decided that then in that moment. And it looked like Sander had come to his own conclusion, his mouth open to say something that he'd never get to say. Because, all of a sudden, there was an ungodly barrage of shouting and screaming coming from above them, the ceiling shaking with the weight of retreating footsteps. The worst part was that Robbe didn't even jump, expecting his parents to start a war sooner or later- it was that time of the day after all.

The fighting had been getting worse recently. His mum was tired, constantly, always snappy and lazy. Picking at conversations until they bled, like a scab, into some sort of row. Robbe had been living on takeout for the past two weeks, with his mother unable to cook and his dad working night shifts. A month ago, that would've been an absolute dream, but lately he found himself missing the home-cooked food she'd made before thing's went downhill. During the day (If Sander wasn't there) Robbe found himself to be lonely more than bored, with both of his parents sleeping- his dad recovering from a night working in warehouses and his mother weighted like a stone, unable to do anything for herself. To be truthful, Robbe was angry at her. Mostly because he didn't understand what was going on, and why she liked to shout at his dad so much. Robbe's father had always been antagonistic, but these days it seemed that whenever they were in the same room a thick band of tension weighed over the entire family. It was exhausting.

The sound of, what Robbe presumed was the vase on his parent's rooms dresser, smashing was what brought him back to reality- the previous minutes of shame forgotten. Sander looked horrified, quietly scared, like he knew he wasn't supposed to have such an outward reaction. After a lull in the yelling, only whisper-shouting echoing down into the living room, he looked over to Robbe with those big, sympathetic eyes. The ones that Robbe didn't know how to feel about, yet.

''Should I go?'' He questioned, quieter than before. Robbe merely pressed his lips together in a grimace, before forcing a nod. He really didn't want him to leave, but Robbe's dad would kill him if he found out their neighbour's son had overheard a domestic. Sander began to get up, reaching for his shoes (which were strewn haphazardly near the TV) as the shouting started up once again. From what Robbe could make out it was something about money, loans, and his mother's job. She'd stopped going to work, and despite his ignorance to the adult world, Robbe knew that was a bad thing. He dug his fingers into the sofa's material as the room suddenly felt a lot stuffier, like the windows were locked shut and it was two degrees hotter than it already was.

He could tell Sander didn't know what to say, as he slipped on his shoes. Robbe didn't blame him, his family were probably too perfect to deal with stuff like this. Envy wasn't a thing Robbe was conscious of yet, but it lingered over their every interaction, when it came to family. Sander's mum was the type of woman to bake a cake after every single one of her kid's achievements, be that minor or major, the type to cut up carrots and cucumber in cute ways to make her children's lunches interesting. Robbe's was the type to sleep until 4pm and only come downstairs for water and takeout. And for whatever reason, his dad expected Robbe not to even slightly resent her.

''I-I'll speak to you tomorrow, Robbe?'' Sander was hovering by the door, looking unbelievably awkward in front of Robbe for the first time in years.

''Yeah''

''We'll go for a walk down near the high street? My mum will give us money for ice-cream if I ask nicely, hopefully'' He said it quickly, painfully aware that the noise coming from upstairs was escalating. But, being one of the kindest humans alive, Sander was still intent on letting Robbe have something to look forward to. The other grinned in response, letting his friend know that that was cool with him, before Sander gave a short wave and walked out of the door.

Robbe heard him leave after a couple of long seconds, the latch on his front door clicking shut. Whenever Sander left Robbe's house it sucked, but then it hurt in a different type of way. Because then it was just him and the pair of dysfunctional adults fighting upstairs, still screaming and thudding and shouting like they didn't have a child, meek and reserved, sitting downstairs. Robbe wondered for a second if they even cared about him, as something else vaguely porcelain smashed on the stairway. If they even considered him when they had their shouting matches. Picking up his game controller, Robbe loaded up a solo match on Fifa, feeling warmly empty.

Even if his parents didn't really care about him, even if no one else that knew him cared about Robbe Ijzermans, he always knew he'd have one person to fall back on. And that was the kid he was going to get ice cream on the high street with the next day. Not the girl he was supposed to have a crush on.

--

Hey, thanks for reading! Feel free to follow me on twitter @ s_driesen

[chaosangeldown-blog]

PSA: A Lola Hayden does not exist. It’s a scammer named Ashley Hoff.

I know all of you probably know me for being in a relationship with Lola aka heroinkilledtherockstar aka taintedinsin aka dreamvein. That was true for a while but I found out a lot of things that made me question my relationship with her, and thus it is important for me to let all of you know that there’s someone that’s trying to abuse you by becoming close to you. All the photos this girl “Lola” posted, were nothing but some stolen photos by some other girl whom I don’t know. This person even had videos of this “Lola” and posted them or sent them online. That person in the photos is NOT the same person that posted everything on here under the URLs listed above.

The girl behind those posts and the facade of “Lola Hayden”(known as heroinkilledtherockstar) is Ashley Hoff. Someone we also knew through blogs like rockandrollvalentine and her “secret” personal one normalyouwere. She was supposed to be Lola’s financially poor cousin. 

I will break the story down for those who don’t know, so most people can have an idea of what this girl is about.

The Lola Hayden Character (HOW LOLA WAS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE)

Ashley seems to have created this persona or character prior to 2008. Lola was described as being someone with money, someone with a lot of knowledge regarding plenty subjects (music, social media, politics, etc.). You could say she was presented as a know-it-all. She rose to fame on Tumblr by talking about certain bands and sharing “small known facts” (most possibly lies) about certain celebrities. On the internet, she presented a personality that showed she was caring, friendly and overall nice to strangers; a huge part of her whole persona was that she struggled with eating disorders, substance abuse, bullying while at school and most recently homophobia because she came out as a lesbian while “dating” me. 

To “close friends” she often seemed as though she was someone you could trust, and certainly, she tried to manipulate you into believing she truly cared about what you had to say, only to later on use this to manipulate you and abuse you emotionally and psychologically. She often shared details of her family, going on to say she had several brothers: Derryck, Jake, Corban and Ayden --her so called twin brother that killed himself when he was 16. She claimed her father was Chris Hayden and that his worked involved doing PR for celebrities and had graduated Yale. Jake was allegedly a surgeon, Derryck was supposed to test video games and Corban just lived off the family’s wealth. 

She also claimed to have lived in Tampa, FL, then moved to Toronto, Canada only to live for a bit at The Catskills, NY and move on to NYC itself. The truth? She had lived in Jersey City, New Jersey all this time. 

Now that there’s an idea as to who she is, let’s move on to the actual person: Ashley Hoff.

ASHLEY HOFF. (THIS IS HOW SHE LOOKS LIKE) - HER MOTHER BARBARA HOFF IS ALSO A SCAMMER. HERE’S HOW SHE LOOKS

There’s a lot of things we don’t know about her. From what we understand, she is a white-looking black woman (her mother is supposed to be black) and lives in Jersey City, New Jersey. She has been pretending to be this Lola Hayden character for several years now. This person went on to create several fake Facebook accounts to try and make people believe that she had several friends there (especially ones that were related to the wrestling industry; again, this girl is OBSESSED with celebrities). She even went on to create a FaceTime screenshot of her and known wrestler Sami Zayn. She then claimed to have been in a relationship with another famous wrestler Kenny Omega.

I know all of this sounds like it should be easy to figure it out, and even though most of us had suspicions one way or another, the reality is that she is very clever and well spoken when talking about these “stories” that are just actually well-elaborated lies. Several websites regarding catfishing (because that’s what she did, basically) talk about how the abusers use sad or traumatic stories to generate a sense of empathy around this person, and that’s what both Ashley and “Lola” claimed to have. Both suffered either biphobia or homophobia as Lola was presented to be a lesbian, that she had lost her twin brother due to suicide, had committed several suicide attempts, eating disorders, you name it. Ashley claimed she was half black, had lost her father due to alcoholism, was poor, had eating disorders and depression.

Several people and I have gathered information as the scamming included even family members that she stole money from by pretending to be in need of it. To close friends that she had created online, she presented herself as caring and loving while emotionally manipulating us and abusing us psychologically. This is a person that craves control over other people and needs to be able to create lies that are bigger than her because she has low self esteem.

I urge all of you that had ever had any type of encounter with Lola Hayden and/or Ashley hoff TO PLEASE report her on the FBI Internet Crimes section listed here. 

You can enter the complaint by talking about the victims (me or someone you know, or even yourself) and mention how this person abused you. The fact that she pretended to be someone else while trying to seem caring to you is crime enough and punishable by the law. We need as much complaints as we can get so this is taken seriously. We have also approached local law enforcement offices to pursue this case and we’ll update as we see continue to gather more information.

INFORMATION

At the risk of posting information and having this blog/post be deleted, I am going to post the information needed for the complaint, or just so you are aware of who she is, I will make two post for the photos and the information. This person has spent almost ten years of her life with her mother (she’s her partner in crime) creating false personalities, only sticking with Lola Hayden as she rose to fame in 2010-2011. If we get this post to be viral or at the very least popular within our circle, she won’t be able to come back or deflect this. 

For the photos of Ashley. For photos of Barbara Hoff (Ashley’s mother). For “Lola Hayden”. For their INFORMATION.

Also, please refrain from contacting these people. They are extremely intelligent and will be able to try and manipulate you, and wrap you around their lies. This is not a good thing to do. Let’s just popularize this post so more people are aware of, especially those who knew her through the heroinkilledtherockstar moniker.

I REPEAT: PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO CONTACT THEM. Ashley Hoff particularly has ripped off HER OWN FAMILY MEMBERS for up to $7000. She has multiple secret accounts on Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and even Flickr, from where she steals other people’s photos. The main give away that she is trying to catfish someone is the fact that 1) she will refuse to videochat with you and come up with really weird excuses about it. It may seem factual but they aren’t. 2) she may have a group of “friends” that will also remain anonymous or share very little information or have no personal photos. 3) she will try to empathize with you by opening up about certain “traumatic” instances on her life. Please do not believe anything she says. 

OTHER TUMBLR ACCOUNTS ASSOCIATED WITH ASHLEY HOFF AKA LOLA HAYDEN AKA HEROINKILLEDTHEROCKSTAR:

@heroinkilledtherockstar (pretended to know a bunch of celebs and even being emotionally/sexually involved with them. Completely false)

@makeamericalesbianagain (pretended to be a lesbian)

@dancinginadaze (yeah, she pretended to be a black man lmao)

@rockandrollvalentine (Ashley’s own personal blog)

@normalyouwere (her “secret” personal blog she pretended to be in a relationship with Kenny Omega and posted “secret” photos of him + his friends)

Ashley Hoff is 22-23 years old. Lola Hayden was supposed to be 27 years old. ASHLEY’S REAL AGE IS 22-23 years old! She constantly lies about her age. Do not trust her.

[leaughrilke]

super-sensate-seestras replied to your post

“Who do u think the superbabies will date?? :D (also since stella looks...”

I would love to hear more about Stella and Beth's relationship drama cause I absolutely love all of these breakdowns about the superbabies

WELL FRIEND there’s other drama too but this is the Major drama that hinders their relationship for a long time

so stella know she has a crush on beth, has been like aggressively ignoring said crush and tryin to Live Her Life and its been a year since stella came out, came to terms and she’s just started her nighttime shenanigans as a vigilante, just started trying to help the way kara does, the way maia does and its going ok???  until she.  you know.  gets stabbed (LIGHTLY STABBED) and is like hmmm i feel as though i should reassess maybe

and then beth’s back in national city after graduating early with like three bachelors (xenobiology, nanotechnology, and engineering) and at least one masters and a corresponding doctorate (in something sciencey, listen im barely an english major), working at l-corp bc she’s a Documented Genius and stella wants to step up her vigilante game, especially since she recently was lightly stabbed and doesnt rlly want that to happen again, and beth’s always been rlly calm and steady, very logical and she keeps all of maia’s secrets, so stella approaches her a little reluctantly to see if she’s willing to help and beth gives her this long, searching look and finally agrees, designs and builds her a new suit with a shitton of gadgets, is the main reason stella starts getting called mechagirl by the press but only helps with stella’s promise that beth can then help with actual missions bc like??  beth cares about her a lot too, doesnt want to see her die ya know??

and it’s weird??  bc now she’s friends with beth in her own right???  works alongside her a lot and beth serves as her tech person, finds her jobs she can do that supergirl or birdy (maia’s superhero alter ego) haven’t gotten to yet and national city gains a new superhero pretty much bc of beth.  and then its a late night of saving ppl and stella comes back to her apartment/headquarters and beth’s still there, wrapping up some end of night reports (she insists on keeping detailed logs in order to avoid any issues with the cops later on) and she’s ordered stella’s favorite takeout, put it in the oven to warm for her and stella’s so grateful and also pretty tired??  rlly tired and beth basically lives with her and sometimes the proximity blurs lines in stella’s mind and so she just leans down to kiss beth, murmurs thank you sleepily and goes into her room to change.  and beth’s just sitting there??  like oh my god, the girl i’ve been in love with for months just kissed me and she doesn’t even realize it but then stella REALIZES IT and runs back out like shit im so sorry beth, that was so inappropriate of me but beths like??  wait do you not like me and stella’s like WAIT DO YOU LIKE ME???? 

surprise!!  this is how stella finds out beth’s an alien and also how beth finds out stella’s an alien lmao.  like.  beth’s species has mental shields, similar to martians??  so stella’s never been able to read her or see in her mind but she never rlly tried to or even questioned it??  or even noticed bc she’s rlly empathetic anyway, reads body language rlly well, so she’s never known that beth likes her the way stella likes beth

like, later in their relationship, stella suddenly can read beth??  like rlly well and she’s like um what the hell and beth’s like oh, yeah, i stopped putting up the block and stella’s just like starry eyed like holy shit you trust me that much???  

beth’s like uh yeah but dont let it go to your head you nerd

but are they smart abt this and admit their v deep feelings for one another then??  no.  they just hookup and then keep hooking up, pretending like nothings changed, pretending like theyre not basically living together or doing all the shit Couples do but just refusing to tell anyone or acknowledge it at all.  and it’s ok for a while??  its solid

but then stella’s suit malfunctions, gives her a nasty burn down her side and she begs beth to not tell anyone that she’s in the hospital, that she’s been hurt and beth’s like shit, stella, i can’t keep doing this bc they’re working with a budget of about eleven dollars, a starburst, and stella’s bus pass, building with shit from the scrap yard and old electronics from secondhand stores and beth wants stella to just tell her family she’s the new vigilante bc then they’d have access to better resources, then beth wouldn’t be so scared every time stella runs out to go save a family from a burning car or stop a bank robbery, but stella refuses, knows that it would be a battle to be accepted like this.  

its a fight they’ve had for months before and then stella’s armor fucks up and beth just calls it.  tells her that she comes clean or beth won’t help her keep almost dying, so stella tells her that she doesn’t need her and beth moves all her shit out of stella’s apartment and its all rlly quiet, subdued and its so fucking sad

she takes the job offer she has at wayne security in charm city (wink wink) and doesnt tell stella, stella finds out when she goes over to her moms and finds beth there, with maia and her moms and finn, all laughing and grinning and maia tells her that beth is getting her own department at wayne security, that she’s moving on friday and stella fakes a smile, congratulates beth before she leaves and that’s the end of it, she never sees beth again

but then stella wrecks her motorcycle.  i think i mentioned once that stella is a little bit of an adrenaline junkie??  well she’s a huge adrenaline junkie and she was testing the limits of her newly redesigned bike, pushing it past 90, 120, 150 and then she just??  loses control of the motorcycle.  it just spins out and stella tries to stop it, turns into the spin and pumps the brakes which slows it down enough that she doesnt just fucking die, but not so much that she’s not close to dying

beth is still her emergency contact.  so beth gets the call, middle of the night, that stella danvers was in a wreck, is on the way to the hospital and that she should get here as soon as possible.  but beth is a ten hour drive away and can’t possibly know that she’d get there soon enough, be there if....if it came down to stella not being alone.  and.  well.  its not her place, never was.  so she calls lena, tells her the emts called the last number stella called bc its so much easier that way, kinder to everyone she thinks

she still drives through the night to national city.  gets there just a little after maia does, her eyes red and puffy from sobbing on the freeway, hands shaking a little.  thank god no one asks why she’s there or why she’s this panicked, bc she’d probably tell them and she knows that’s the last thing stella would want (or, well.  she thinks that at least).  maia just sobs out that beth is the best friend for coming, holds onto her in this desperate, damp sort of hug and beth just stays quiet

beth doesnt stay after she finds out stella woke up, is going to be okay.  she can’t right??  she shouldnt be here in the first place right??

so maia stays in national city to help stella in her recovery bc stella’s being stubborn and refuses to move back in with their moms, and maia figures most of her moping is to do with the fact she’s not allowed anywhere near her motorcycle anymore, but then she finds this one shirt that she knows is beth’s, knows beth has had since high school and its tucked under stella’s pillow and she puts it together pretty quickly.  the way they were friends and then all of a sudden they werent, the way beth came running back to nc the second stella got hurt, that weird pulse of anger, hurt she felt when stella found out beth was moving to charm city.  and like???  she doesnt know what to do with that information, she’s not sure what to feel or how to think about this so she just files it away for a later time, tucks the shirt back under stella’s pillow without saying anything

so eventually stella gets convinced to move back home, bc maia’s like hey.  i dont mind living with you and i dont mind helping you, but the neighbors are starting to think its weird that i carry you up the three flights of stairs to your apartment every day so finally stella moves home and maia comes with her bc they’re finally in a good place again??  they finally worked things out between them from when they were kids and maia’s not about to leave stella, not when stella’s like finally started seeing her as another Certified Safe Place.  so they’re back in their childhood bedrooms and then lena finds out about stella’s vigilantism.  mostly by accident??  stella’s still p much out of commission until her body’s at a 100 percent again but lena finds the mask and its a whole Thing between them, the first time stella’s ever really fought with lena and then by natural extension, kara finds out and then maia clues in and then the whole family has an opinion on it and stella’s just like MCFUCK OFF

and maia??  is like desperately scared for her sister, and she’s angry and she’s hurt that she didn’t tell her, didnt think that she would do anything to help her, but she also knows how isolated stella feels, how helpless she must be feeling, how stuck she is, so she calls beth

and when beth is beating around the bush with it, playing dumb like idk why you’d call me??  stella and i really aren’t that close, maia just calls her out on it like.  elizabeth, i know for a fact you were sleeping with my sister

oh

yeah, oh.  i have some words to share with you at a later date, but right now stella needs someone in her corner and that can’t be me 

and beth doesnt like.  doesnt even hesitate.  she drives her shitty beat up jetta the ten hours it takes to get from charm city to national city and gets a shitty hotel and is so, so nervous??  bc what if stella doesnt want her here??  what if she never wants to see beth again???  but then maia’s texting, saying that the house is empty if she wants to talk to stella and she does, she really does, like?  she didnt realize how big of a part of her life stella was until she was gone, until she had moved to a new city and met new people like she’s completely in love with stella, so she goes

stella opens the door and just stares for a second before she says that maia’s out for a while but beth just keeps looking at her and finally says it outright, says i’m here to see you, stella like its the most obvious thing in the world and stella’s so tired, she’s starting to close the door and she’s saying i dont need another lecture, i’ve had enough of those for a lifetime and beth lets her close it, knows her well enough to know she wont walk away from the door before beth does, so she calls through and says im not here to lecture you, stell.  i just.  i wanted to see you

the door opens

and its incredibly uncomfortable for a while, incredibly tense and when beth tries to ask her what’s going on, stella just hisses what, like you care?  and beth like??  normally would fire back with something, normally would let this blow up into a fight but she’s thought about it, she really has, and she knows that any time she can have with stella is better than no time at all.  that she’d rather take stella as she is, thrill seeking and too good for words and hard headed in the extreme, take the risks that come with her than have anything else.  so beth nods.  yeah.  i care.  i care a lot about you stella, and i shouldnt have forced you to make a decision like i did.  but its scary when the girl you love doesnt see the same value in her life that you do and it was terrifying watching you leave every night and not being sure if i would wake up to your face on the news

and stella’s like??  shit.  shIT, didn’t account for this at all.  but beth is very steady, is giving her this even-keeled look, keeping her eyes on stella but not forcing eye contact and she finally stands, gets ready to leave 

and she tells stella i love you.  and believe me when i say that transcends boundaries like platonic and romantic.  i love you, stella danvers, and i will always be here for you, in whatever way you want me to be and then she’s leaving 

and stella has a choice to make, two paths she can take and she stands a little unsteadily and grabs beth’s hand and pulls her back 

and she’s like im still pretty stupid, you’re aware of that, right?  and beth laughs, refutes the statement as she rests her forehead against stella’s.  you’re not stupid, stella, never stupid.  a little dense sometimes...  and stella laughs too before she admits, finally, i love you too, genius.  and i dont think i can keep doing this without you?  and she tries to backpedal, bc she’s worried she’s being manipulative or something but beth just shakes her head, says im going to kiss you now, ok?  and stella’s nodding fast, tears finally starting to fall when it all hits her and then they’re kissing for the first time in six months and theyre maybe still kissing when everyone comes home and maia groans bc like i texted you specifically so i could avoid seeing this ugh you guuuyyysssss

[cryogengar]

vent pt2 // aftermath

i just feel the need to put out the rest of it and maybe i can be more at peace

so relating to this post here, it’s been about two weeks. i still think i’m affected by it, judging from me staying in bed for 17 hours and having no motivation to do anything a little more than usual. after a day i posted that vent, one of my acquaintances on league, in that friend group i had told me that the girl, and my old guy friend made a joke about killing myself. it went along the lines of,

girl: “i can imagine her climbing out of the classroom window and nobody would care”

guy: “wouldn’t y’all clap”

girl: “well i would and that’s all that matters”

..yeah. that hit me hard. not only did they said that in a discord call where everybody else in there heard (and laughed apparently) behind my back (one of the people in the call sent me this), but just the fact that they used something that i struggled with as something to joke and hurt me about. sure, sometimes i personally joke about it, but i find it a right that i can joke about since i’m the one that’s going through it. but right there, that’s a joke and an insult and there clearly is no humour to it. i keep thinking of how people always say like, treat others how you want to be treated. i kept thinking of that then. why did they say that when i was the one hurting from that incident days ago? when did they it was a good idea to joke about this behind my back? and other questions and insecurities poured into my mind and i felt so betrayed. personally, no matter i think badly of someone, i wouldn’t actually say or wish harm on them like that. sometimes i’d say like ‘omg i wish he’d go kill himself’ or smth, but that was for dark humour reasons and i never meant it in this kind of way, y’know? and i definitely won’t say it behind someone’s back. so this hurt me a way lot because it was the girl who said this, who had absolutely nothing to do with my ex, added to how i was hurt from her the other day. 

it just made me incredibly broken inside. for them to say this. it’s only been recently that i was talked down due to my mental disorders and here it is, just jokes about my suffering. and the fact that they said it.. like in a classroom? where i’d have 30 other classmates and a teacher? all of them.. would clap? did everyone just want me to end myself? my insecurities ate at me non stop no matter how hard i wanted to hold myself together. but yeah, the day after i went to my vice principal, my school counsellor, talked to her. the school aka her would go talk to the girl because this was unacceptable and bullying and stuff like that. but i was still hurt. i was terrified. the thought that my vp was going to talk to her... what would happen if she just talks more shit behind my back? like ‘omg bella was such a little bitch the vp talked to me today abt this’ or smth like that. that haunted me the whole day at school. my mom and vp talked afterschool, and even though i said that i didnt know if it was a good idea to talk to her, the vp and my mom insisted that she needed to know that it was wrong, and if she says more shit just report it to her again and something will be done.

i went home a little lighter. i still took naps and binge watched cartoons to distract myself from the emptiness and hurt i felt, and that inside made me feel guilty because i should be doing hw and more productive things. cue 11pm on that wednesday night. 

the girl calls me. she’s crying, she’s just saying ‘im sorry’ over and over, but i felt no sympathy or compassion for her. she’s sobbing, telling me that she didn’t understand why she did those things, and that she’s a horrible person for doing and saying those things about me. i kept myself calm and just stayed quiet most of the time. we hung up like over half an hour later. i felt worse. but it calmed me that since she sounded sorry, if the vp talked to her tmr there’s a chance she won’t say shit anymore. but the thing was, i asked her if somebody made her apologise to me, and she said no, but mention my ex showed her my previous tumblr vent and told her she was going to get into trouble with the vp. it made me mad that she might’ve called me up more out of fear than genuine feelings to apologise about how much she hurt me.

in rolls next day, she skipped choir to talk to the vp. apparently she cries again, and we’re called down during first period to talk to each other. she apologies, doesn’t look up to my face, and the vp talks about moving forward. there’s a school trip to santa barbara in two weeks and i wanted to cancel and lose like $1500 bc i couldn’t stand her presence. but now i didn’t cancel for that reason and it’s still happening i guess. but... yeah. everything the ex guy friend said still hurt. everything hurt. the way he let me hurt by myself when we hung out at the cafe, when he talked shit abt me via msg, and adding his two cents to the girl’s joke about me. how mad must he be for me not thanking my ex for a fucking gift that he chose to buy on his own accord to just make me feel like absolutely a worthless piece of trash. all this time i’ve spent since last year ever since i met him. all wasted. there’s so much hurt, from the time he liked me, to times i gave up time to spend with him while i hurt myself from sleep deprivation or emotional energy, to times he let one of his friends just verbally beat me up in front of him. i felt so used. i feel so used. 

so fast forward, everything is done with the girl. we’re not going to be friends anymore, i can handle seeing her at school without being triggered, she’s not going to talk shit about me anymore and i go back to hanging out with my senior friends. the guy? nothing. apparently he feels bad, but not bad enough to say anything to me. i don’t expect anything, it must be humiliating to apologise to a piece of trash like me, lol. i dont know what’s up anymore. i saw him in one of my friend’s snapchat story and i just got triggered and spent a good four hours in bed, lmao. it clearly so hurts as much as i’m trying to put it behind me. the fact that we’re still ‘friends’ on every single piece of social media still allows me to see his presence online and because i’m so sensitive it triggers me.

i just want to feel better. i don’t want to relive all of this hurt everytime i see his name. i don’t want to continue feeling like i dont matter, that my mental disorders are a disability and i’ll never be anything more than a suicidal freak. maybe it is my fault that i’m ‘always doing things for others,’ investing so much time into these these people and end up hurting because i finally see who they are. i... don’t know. i just don’t understand. i don’t want to feel betrayed, hurt, and depressed. i don’t want to feel so much anxiety going outside and talking to people because i don’t feel safe. as much support i get, i only get this support when i ask for it. no one.. really reaches out for me on their own accord, whether it’s when i’m hurting or as a friend. maybe i’m just really alone. whatever. goodnight.

[purplesurveys]

863

Do you have any friends who are on and off with bfs/gfs all the time? Yeah, Jo and Aya don’t make the most stable couple. They had one really problematic stint last year where they would break up and get back together every week. They ironed it out eventually and they’ve been ok for a while, but lately I think it’s a little rocky again because I no longer see them interacting and they’ve been retweeting stuff that gives me a few hints. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve broken it off for good. When was the last time you almost cried out of exhaustion? Ohhhh boy. It was some day in Feb I think? and everything had just been going wrong for me. Andrew and I got yelled at by our thesis adviser because she didn’t like what we submitted and she gave us a day to revise three entire chapters. We stayed in the college working away from 3 PM to 10 PM then when I got home, I realized I forgot to bring with me a certain item that my org entrusted me with. Absolutely wasn’t allowed to lose it. Had a panic attack and this was when I started crying because it was so late and I just wanted to go to bed; though Andrew saved my ass by offering to go back to school at like 11:30 just to retrieve the damn thing. Lastly, that was a time when business reporting was still giving me hell and I was struggling to find a business story around campus to turn in for that week, so I was freaking out about that too. All in all a shit day. What`s a TV show you hate missing? Idk man, if I miss a show I don’t think there’d be hate attached to it. I imagine I’d miss a show because it made me happy, so this doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Do you think it’s funny how people always say their pet is the best ever? It’s adorable haha but not necessarily funny. Whenever someone says it I totally believe them; I think all pets are the best :) When did you last brush your teeth? This morning.

What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited? I checked my Twitter right before this question. Do you have a friend who you think you’ll be best friends with forever? Yes, Angela is for keeps. Does it annoy you when you accidentally delete things? For the most part I can just undo and get the deleted thing back, but when that’s not applicable it can get super distressing. I know I was gloomy for a very long time when I accidentally wiped out my camera roll with photos from 2014-2016. What`s a movie / book / TV show / band / whatever you highly recommend? Movie: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Book: Got nothing in this department. Show: BoJack Horseman Band: Paramore ha. They got a sound for almost everyone! When did you last use a dictionary / thesaurus? Two questions ago when I was looking for an adjective to best describe what it’s like to lose your entire camera roll and, essentially, good memories that you’ve made. Are you anticipating or dreading anything? I ammmmmm anticipating dinner haha. I can’t think of anything I’m dreading.

If someone could randomly give you something right now what would you like? Baked sushi :( It’s a recent trend locally and it looks so gooddddd, I just don’t wanna spend the last of my savings on it or ask my parents to buy a tray for me. What`s the most annoying thing in the world? At the moment it’s people who refuse to wear masks because they claim that it messes with their oxygen level or because they find it personally uncomfortable. When did you last use one of those water slides you put on hills? I have no clue what you mean. What are you sitting on right now? One of the dining room chairs. What skills would you like to learn / develop? Adobe Indesign and iMovie. I dabbled with these recently – Indesign for a class and iMovie to make a video for Gabie – and though I was always too scared to start using programs like these, I actually found them fun and super useful when I finally had my hands on them. When we saw each other the other day Gab was talking about using this break to take up workshops in different Adobe programs so that she’ll have more stuff to put on her resumé, so I might follow her footsteps too. What is something other people say you’re good at but you think you’re not? Teaching. I always feel like I fumble a lot, but idk I get compliments on it so I guess I’m kinda okay but I just don’t see it. What does your bedside lamp look like? I don’t have one. I used to have a wall light though. It was a just tiny lil bulb that I had to plug in to give my room a light orange hue. What did you last take a photograph of? Myself and Cooper. When was the last time you got really frustrated with technology? Yesterday. My laptop was a bit slow when I wanted my YouTube video to go full-screen, and my impatient ass already got irritated with it. What was the last funny thing someone said to you? She didn’t technically ‘say’ it but my mom was singing a song earlier and had the lyrics wrong, and what came out of her mouth instead was so wrong and so funny.  Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? My grandmother. What was the last thing you bought? I bought snacks from my girlfriend’s dad Korean food business! I got myself odeng (fishcakes) and tteokbokki (spicy rice cake) :) Do you want to move to somewhere else? If so, where? Any country with a capable government at this point. What time is it where you are? 8:04 PM. What’s your favourite picture of yourself as a child? I’m not sharing that on here, but I do have my favorites.

Do you like your neighbours? I suppose they’re okay, in a sense that they haven’t done anything to annoy me. I’ve never talked to them in the last 12 years that I’ve lived here though haha I always felt like my mom could take care of the socializing stuff – and she has been. Does your room need to be cleaned? Nah I’m barely in it these days. It’s mostly spotless and things are stacked up neatly. Do you have a good relationship with your family? I wouldn’t say it’s good, but it’s not bad. Super lacking in the emotional aspect, though, and it’s a big reason why at the end of the day I can’t call it a good relationship. What is something people are surprised to hear about you? That I don’t like fruits. The horrified gasps and expressions never get old. Do you make judgments about people straight after meeting them? Only if they blatantly act like a jerk. Do you hate any particular groups of people? I mean I hate racists, abusers, rapists, Karens... but if you mean to ask if I hate any race or people of a certain sexual/gender orientation then most definitely not. Do you fall up or down stairs usually? Down :( Do you constantly break things? (By mistake or otherwise) HAHA yes. What was the last bug you saw? Kinda looked like a moth but I’m not sure what it was exactly. Are there any smells which make you feel nauseous? Rotten egg, any fruits lol. What is the scariest thing you`ve ever gone through? Random men play-lunging at me when I’m walking outside and then laughing once I jump or whimper. I don’t know if there’s a certain script that those fucking pigs follow, but I’ve had several of the exact same experiences through the years. That’s why my friends can always poke fun at the fact that I drive everywhere no matter how close my destination is – at least I feel safest that way. Do you have anything unusual in your bag? No. I only carried the essentials in the last bag I used when I went out the other day. Are there any people you know in real life that you only talk to online? Yeah, there’s a bunch of people I don’t really get to see irl. Some of them are friends who’ve migrated, some are my friends’ parents, my relatives who’ve always lived in the US, etc. Do you think people who don`t care about education are dumb? In the Philippines they will definitely be considered careless, dumb, and having no ambition. But I know education isn’t as big of a priority in other countries and that college isn’t a necessity in those places, so I guess there’s a cultural difference here. What`s your favourite key on a keyboard? I don’t pick favorite keyboard buttons lol. Do you always finish what you start? Nah I’m a little terrible at that, especially if we’re talking of passion projects. I collected Starbucks planners for like six years and was never able to completely fill up any one of them. Who`s your favourite character from The Simpsons? Or do you hate that show? I’m not a big fan of the show but just because I relate to her a lot and the fact that she’s intelligent and a goody-two-shoes, Lisa. Have you ever had any friends who always tried to steal your things? Nah wtf? I’d so easily stop talking to them if all they did was steal from me lmao What is something you will never understand? People!!! Who!!! Aren’t!!! Nice!!! To!!! Servers/Baristas/Anyone working in a job that has to directly deal with customers!!! When did you last laugh hysterically? Probably earlier this afternoon watching a Good Mythical Morning episode.

[purplesurveys]

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What song are you listening to right now? I’m not listening to anything but the last song I played was Violet by Daniel Caesar; I don’t actually know the song but it was part of a playlist on Spotify. Admit it -- you want a Snuggie. What design/color? I don’t even know what that is, but if it came in pink I’d want one. Do you prefer movies at home or movies at the theatre? Home is cozier and costs much less, haha. How many songs does your iTunes have? Ooh, I haven’t used my iTunes in like half a decade buuuut I think it peaked with around 400-500 songs? Idk, I didn’t explore much as a kid and I liked to stick with my favorite singers/bands. Do you take a shower in the morning or the night before? When I’m off school I like to shower at night - much more comfy that way, and I fall asleep faster. But when I have to leave the house whether to go to school, the mall, to crash at someone’s place, etc. I always bathe a few hours before. Always. I hateeeeee not feeling fresh when I go outside.

What's your academic niche? (History, math, science, etc.) History for sure, but there are some science topics I’m also okay in. Who's your youngest teacher? They’re all already pretty seasoned lol I can’t actually tell. I think it’s Ma’am Cai; welp, at least among my current professors, she’s the one that acts the youngest. Have you ever had the samples people offer you at Costco? I’ve never been in a Costco but I typically don’t get samples from our local groceries because idk, they just look nasty :/ The only samples I get are the free ones they hand over at Starbucks and Coffee Bean, haha. If you had to name your kid after a food, what would his/her name be? I’d take olives and turn it to Olivia, which was always my choice for a girl anyway. But if it really had to be food-inspired I’d go with... Brie for a girl, or Sage for a boy. Miley Cyrus: Inspirational role model or a ho? Get with the times, 2009 survey. This question won’t get away with that word today. Anyway, Miley is a badass. I never changed my mind about her, maybe except for that time she did that performance with Robin Thicke. Are you stressed about anything? Right now no. I’m on a six-week break, I wanna enjoy it without thinking about the stuff that would typically stress me out. When's the last time you had a rock, paper, scissors match? It’s been a few months. What's your favorite anime? I don’t watch anime... the only show I got into was Pokemon. Did you cry when Ash let his Butterfree go with the other Butterfrees? I vaguely remember that but I probably got sad over it when I was younger. Don't you hate it when Facebook auto-corrects your smiley faces and hearts? I don’t mind it. Skinny, flared, ripped, or faded jeans? Ugh I hate all of these. I have a lot of skinny jeans in my closet but they’re always a last resort - my go-to these days is mom jeans. What are you excited for? Meh, nothing in particular. I wanna say my birthday? but who knows what the world is gonna come to be by then. Are you part of the Farmville cult? No I never played. I wasn’t allowed to make a Facebook account at the time when games like that and Petville and Plants vs. Zombies were big. What were you for Halloween? Last year I went as Dora. AND IT WAS SO ANNOYING because the party we were invited to prohibited shorts??? And 1) Dora wore shorts and 2) I searched far and wide for a pair of orange shorts? It was the first time I heard of a dress code that strict for a college party lmao I couldn’t believe it. Thankfully Rita had just bought a pair of orange jeans so she let me borrow those. Have you ever had braces? Back in high school. What year of high school are you in? I am not. What's your favorite flower? Peonies. Would you ever bleach your hair? Probably not. My hair has faced enough damage. Have you ever stood on a frozen solid body of water? No. That sounds scary though. I’ve heard and watched people fall through ice :/ Would you ever take up smoking or drinking? I’m already doing both. Thanks, college and peer pressure! Do those girls with 1,000 friends on Facebook REALLY have that many? I dunno, who knows? It’s always possible. I have a bigger problem with the fact that this question just singled out girls lmao. What holiday is your birthday closest to? Uhh Earth Hour, if it counts? If not, we have Araw ng Kagitingan on April 9 which commemorates the Fall of Bataan during WWII. Are you cyberdyslexic? Is this even a thing? I’ve never heard of this until today. Are you regular dyslexic? No. Is there irregular dyslexia? :((( What would your name be if you were a boy? I don’t know. My parents didn’t think about this either I think. Which person from way back when would you love to hang out with? My great grandpa. Either him or his cousin who wrote a book on history. What color are your eyes? Dark brownnnnnnn ugh this will FOREVER be in surveys won’t it. The forever on-going question: Is Twilight stupid or actually brilliant? It’s so stupid. BUT I LOVE IT ok.  Did you carve pumpkins for Halloween this year? No. We don’t do that here. Does your family use a real pine tree or a plastic one for Christmas? I think most households here use artificial trees. I was already a little old when I found out other countries would use real trees. Do you know anyone with a play-on name? (Chris P. Bacon, Justin Case, etc.) Not personally but super recently someone named their kid COVID BRYANT and it was all over social media for a few days. Covid Bryant. Let that shit sink in. Only Filipinos, man. Do you have any foreign exchange students at your school? Yeah, mostly Koreans and Japanese people. If you had a week to live, what would you do? I don’t have much of a choice, do I... I’m gonna be stuck at home and do the stuff I’ve already been doing in the last three weeks, and just hope I had fun.

Are you good at brain teasers? Some, but I don’t enjoy doing them in general. Is your handwriting nice? I can handle a pen pretty well, if I do say so myself. I have a neater penmanship than most people I know. What's your second language? English.  Is it uncomfortable for you to take showers in glass stalls w/out curtains? Not really but the door has to be locked. Finish the sentence: Remember, remember... The fifth of November? I dunno why I know about that though. Did you understand Shakespeare? No. I always bought the No Fear Shakespeare editions cos I had absolutely no patience to try and understand the original text. What do you want to be when you're older? Rich. What's your favorite dog breed? Golden retriever or pitbull. Are you one of those people who take like, 50 Facebook quizzes at a time? I’ve never taken a Facebook quiz. What was the last shot you got? It was at the roof of my mouth, back when I had a tooth extraction. Ever gotten cavities? A few times. Can you differentiate between the words "your" and "you're?" Yes. Do you use hair ties as bracelets? Lmao always. Don’t most girls do this? What was the last school project you did that you couldn't wait to turn in? My book report for my business journalism class. After I proofread it like 6 times and triple-checked the word count, I couldn’t waitttt to get rid of it. Have you ever graded papers? Sure. I’ve said it in past surveys, but my org hosts journalism workshops to interested schools, whether they’re in elementary, high school, or college. At the end of the day they have to come up with their own articles, and then we check each of them, correct the mistakes, grade them, and give it back to them with our comments. What was your favorite year of school up to this point? Third year of high school. I don’t really have a favorite year of college... I had lows in each of them. What's the latest you've ever woken up? 11 AM. Can you recite the alphabet backwards? For a time I did cos Angela taught me. Then I just never sang it again so I ended up forgetting. If you could master one language in thirty minutes, what would it be? Korean. Are you a sucker for foreign accents? No. Sometimes I find it hard to understand. Where were you born? Is it the same place you live currently? I was born somewhere in Manila, and I live faaar away from there now. How often do you remember your dreams? What did you last dream about? Only if I note them down on my phone. The last dream I remember having was too lengthy for me to want to type it all down, but it involved me and Gabie being exes, and she had her own kid hahaha. When did you learn the ninja turtles were named after Renaissance artists? Pretty early, I guess. I’ve never seen the show though. Do you do yoga? Nope.