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chocosvt · 4 years ago

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⚬ pairing: seungcheol x fem!reader ⚬ word count: 4342 ⚬ warnings: brief drug mention ⚬ genres: mainly just fluff! college/uni!au

✧✎ synopsis: your longtime campus crush just received an interesting dare: to ask you out on a date. while the circumstances are questionable, you aren’t going to decline. maybe this is your ticket to romance.

✧✎ a/n: if this title or plot sounds familiar, then that’s bc i finally accomplished a goal of mine: to rewrite i dare you. this was a fic i originally wrote in 2016!! i did change some aspects, so not everything is identical. PLS ENJOY ;w;

The bells to the café door jingled.

Normally, you wouldn’t be so attentive about the customers filtering in and out, but at that moment, your gaze shot over the lid of your laptop like a harpoon. It was roughly the right time, the right day. According to your judgement, this was when they usually came for their morning coffees. Jeonghan, Joshua, and Seungcheol: a very popular trio amongst the likings of your campus.

Jeonghan was a nursing student. Clean-cut, charming to a degree of annoyance, and always ordered a boring black coffee. The second boy, Joshua, was cute enough to stop you in your tracks and force a double-take. However, he liked mathematics, numbers, weird formulas which looked more torture than learning. He preferred lattes with foam. And then there was Seungcheol. You wouldn’t call him your true love, because you didn’t know him all that well, and as far as he was concerned you were the lunatic who accidentally set pages of Joshua’s chemistry homework on fire. But that was a story for another day (you haven’t been near that Yankee candle since).

Nonetheless, you were crushing on him. Badly. To the point where you arrived at the café early, pretending to type a document on your laptop, just so you could flit your eyes every so often at his table while he slurped his chocolate mocha. You even had their scheduling memorized. It was a bit weird, and you would be the first to admit such a thing, but nothing was going to thwart you from daydreaming about those eyes of his. Or that dazzling smile. His short bursts of laughter which were usually tweezed out at Jeonghan pulling some stupid prank on Joshua. Everything about you adored him.

The trio gathered at their usual table, sat obliquely to your nook by the window. You had opened an older document that was already finished, pretended to tap against the keys while they ate a small breakfast before class. Something was different. They were giggling more than usual. And you couldn’t help but blatantly stare with concern when Joshua tore open a salt packet and poured it straight on his tongue. Jeonghan was grinning so widely that you were positive his face must be aching, and Seungcheol cackled into his fist while Joshua immediately grabbed for his latte.

A game. They were playing some sort of game.

Once Joshua had recovered, you noted that he began surveying the café, running his narrowed gaze to each table.

The second he found you huddled in the corner, attempting to shrink behind your laptop and pretend your presence was nothing but invisible, Joshua leaned into Seungcheol’s side to make a very smiley whisper. Pretend I’m working, pretend I’m working on something so damn important I can’t look up for even a second, you reiterated to yourself quietly, ignoring the panic ballooning inside you. A minute later, someone had just pulled out the chair across from you. They sat down with a slight groan, clasping their hands together.

Of course, it was Seungcheol.

“Hey.” He said, watching as you tentatively lowered the lid of your laptop, probably wondering why the hell you looked so stunned.

“What are you, um, doing?” You asked.

Seungcheol could not be sitting across from you just because he wanted to. It was impossible. And as much as that stung to admit, you knew the truth was simply that. He was definitely put up to this.

“We know each other pretty well, correct?” The boy completely ignored your question. “I know that you set Josh’s chem notes on fire. We take toxicology together. Need I say more?”

“Wow,” you replied, twiddling your fingers anxiously under the table, “that’s a whole two things. I can’t even count that high.”

“We can’t all be mathematicians,” Seungcheol moved the conversation along while he angled a white jar of sugar, “and I guess I should tell you, I’m in a predicament, which involves you.”

Your hands squeezed together so firmly that they nearly moulded into permanent fists. Seungcheol was staring at you now rather than flickering his gaze between the objects on the table, with those eyes as dark as sapphire. You were burning up, sweltering, felt like you needed to burst from your clothes and bathe in ice.

“A predicament?”

Seungcheol folded his muscular arms on the table and nodded. “Yeah, I got a dare from Josh. To ask you out. The thing is, I’m not supposed to tell you. But you seem like a nice girl.”

You swallowed very tautly and pushed down the lid of your laptop a little more. Over Seungcheol’s shoulder, you spotted both Joshua and Jeonghan observing, chuckling amongst themselves.

“Another thing,” Seungcheol added, raking a hand through his black locks, “I don’t want to lose to tweedle-dumb and tweedle-idiot over there – you can decide who’s who – so you should accept.”

Straightening your posture against the chair, you decided to spell out the situation, more for your sake than Seungcheol’s. “Let me get this straight. You got dared to ask me out. You have nothing better to do tomorrow night, so you accepted it. And I don’t have a choice.”

“Your wording is a bit disparaging. But essentially, yeah.” He leaned back with a gorgeous smile, turning up his palm. “So, down?”

At that moment, you could not believe the universe had just ladled this ridiculous possibility into your lap. A date with your biggest crush on campus. A date that so many people would be wrangling your neck to steal from you – even if it was based on an innocuous little game which Seungcheol refused to submit because he was too competitive at heart. It might not have been your most prideful choice in life, but you accepted. Any chance to spend the night with him would not be wasted as long as the offer stood.

However, you had one condition.

“I’ll do it,” you grinned, watching the boy’s expression perk like a child who just got handed a cookie, “on the account of another dare. Which you’ll find out on our fake date.”

“Fine.” Seungcheol shrugged, sliding his phone across the table so that you could enter your number. He stood up afterward, on the verge of returning to his friends when he suddenly paused.

“See you tomorrow night, sweetheart.”

There was such a rush of butterflies in your stomach, you were surprised one hadn’t flown out your mouth.

You didn’t know why you cared so much about a date that was most likely intended to humiliate you. Was Joshua still not over those chemistry sheets? Even after you spent a good two hours in the library attempting to rewrite them with your nicest, smoothest gel pel? Thoughts of what to wear, your style of makeup, and which perfume you should choose amongst the few on your dresser were awfully overwhelming. In fact, you were almost late to the park, the area Seungcheol had picked as a rendezvous point.

He rose from the bench in front of the duck pond once you arrived, checking the time on his wrist while making a tsking sound.

“Four and a half minutes late,” Seungcheol said, shaking his head, “you’re not making a good first impression, my lady.”

Obviously, you weren’t going to admit how you were stressing about a technically-fake date. In the end, you threw on a simple outfit and applied some lipstick on your way out the door, shoving the tube into a small purse hung over your shoulder. It’s not like he was treating you to a five-star restaurant by romantic candlelight. But if he ever did, you had the perfect outfit planned.

“Well, I’m here now. And with your dare.” You grinned.

Seungcheol stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Let’s hear it.”

“I dare you to buy me a week of coffee.”

At first, Seungcheol didn’t utter a thing. But then he erupted into a fit of laughter until his cheeks turned rosy like peaches.

“That’s not how this works,” he half-sighed, half-chuckled while removing a tear from his eye, “I’m rejecting it.”

“You can’t reject it! You definitely owe me. I didn’t let you lose to tweedle-dumb or tweedle-idiot. Plus, it’s low to ask someone out on a dare. I didn’t even have to show up.” Ensuring your tone was confident, you folded your arms over your chest, raised your brow at the boy, and observed him as he tapped his foot in contemplation.

“Can I have time to consider?” Seungcheol asked.

While it was tough to capitulate so easily and let him have his way, you didn’t want to spend the entirety of your night standing next to a slimy pond, debating the regulations. So you bit the bullet. Besides, Seungcheol announced that there was a party he needed to stop by, that there was a particular someone to which he owned money. It was a short walk to this brick house that reverberated with music, cars stalled up and down the street while a flood of strobing colours illuminated in the windows. Seungcheol knocked on the door quite loudly, and then he reached for your hand, wrapping his fingers around yours. You shot him a puzzled glance just as the door swung open, the stench of marijuana mingling with the cool, night air.

“Well, well, well,” a fox-eyed boy murmured after taking a long puff from his blunt, “Choi Seungcheol. It’s about damn time.”

“I was in the neighbourhood. Heard you and Soonyoung were lighting this place up. What a good turnout, huh?”

“Mmhm,” the other boy hummed unenthusiastically, leaning his wide shoulder against the doorframe, “you got the money or no?”

Seungcheol laughed. “C’mon, Wonwoo. We don’t even get to go inside? Hang out for a bit? Have a drink? You’re a shitty host.”

Wonwoo slid a finger under his chin, rubbing in contemplation. It was starting to get colder out, for you could hear the tree leaves rustling together as a wind whisked through the dark. You squished yourself a bit closer into Seungcheol’s side, and to your surprise, he let go of your hand and wrapped an arm around your shoulders. Finally, Wonwoo concurred, sticking the rolled paper back between his lips while stepping aside with an inviting gesture.

“Make yourselves comfortable,” the boy muttered, “but I’ll be coming to find you in about ten minutes. And I wanna see cash.”

“What’s his problem?” You whispered by Seungcheol’s ear as he guided you around an illy lit corner, into the kitchen.

His warm breath feathered your ear as he said, “I lost a couple bets to him and was slow getting the money back.” Seungcheol then grabbed two solo cups organized in a stack on the counter, filling each with a red, fruit-mixed alcohol which sat in two glass bowls.

“Don’t worry, he’s harmless.”

You accepted the cup and took a sip. “Oh, in case you needed to beat him up? I don’t know,” you lilted, “he looks pretty sturdy.”

“Are you kidding?” Seungcheol gawked.

He slapped his drink down on the counter and threw his jacket over the back of a chair. With a perplexed, is this man crazy expression, you watched him roll up his sleeve and flex his bicep.

“Go ahead,” the boy grinned, “you’ll see.”

You made sure to roll your eyes and sigh incredibly loud in order to really establish your indifference. Meanwhile, your inner-self was fizzling like a carbonated soda. Grabbing onto Seungcheol’s muscle, you pressed down, forcing back a surprised chuckle at the fact his arm was hard as a rock. In that moment your meter of attraction toward the boy was ticking so absurdly you thought it could break.

“Okay, I’ll give it to you, Seungcheol. You’re strong.”

He tugged his sleeve back down and slid into the jacket again, a very brash smirk beaming on his face. You couldn’t decipher if he’d actually been attempting to impress you or if that was just a display of his cockiness. And yet, you didn’t really care which category it fell into, because you were still blissfully afloat thinking about Seungcheol’s arms. You lifted your drink and took another sip, swishing the sweet but tangy flavour between your cheeks. At that moment, a man you didn’t recognize attempted to scoot behind you – except there was definitely enough room for him to get by without planting his hands on your hips and squeezing them.

“Hey! What the hell?” You squeaked, quickly turning around on your heel to see the crookedly amused look he stared at you with.

“What?” He somehow had the audacity to respond.

But you weren’t going to accept his disgraceful maneuvers, and neither was Seungcheol. He abandoned his cup on the counter and pushed up his sleeves.

“Did you just put your hands on her?” Came his demand. It didn’t sound like the normal, relaxed Seungcheol who liked his jokes, but someone with an unnerving amount of authority and fearlessness.

“I-I was trying to get by.” The man stammered, clearly uncomfortable with the thought of confrontation. He was already stepping backward as Seungcheol approached him.

“Don’t touch other people like that,” Seungcheol admonished him in a deep, staid voice, then pointed toward the threshold of the kitchen, “just get out, man. Seriously. Don’t even go near her.” And like a saddened puppy who received a scolding from its owners to lay down in the pen, the man slinked away without another word.

You were unsure of what to say to Seungcheol for diminishing the situation. Folding your arms tightly, you nodded at him.

“Thanks.”

Wonwoo came wandering into the kitchen. His eyes brightened the moment he saw Seungcheol, and he rubbed his fingers together to wordlessly convey that he wanted his money now.

“It’s alright,” Seungcheol gave you a soft smile while he revealed a large wad of cash from his pocket, “he was a weirdo.”

“Yeah.” You laughed as Seungcheol handed the sum to his friend, who fleshed out the paper notes to count the correct amount.

It took you a moment to realize that Seungcheol’s arm had wrapped back around your shoulders, this time a bit more securely. When you leaned into him, it wasn’t because you felt a draft or a chill, but because he was comfortable. He felt and smelled like safety.

Later that night, you returned to the park, throwing stones into the duck pond while the moon was hidden behind a thin curtain of clouds. Seungcheol claimed that he could throw his stones farther than yours, which prompted your short-lived competition. It had ended so abruptly because you ran out of stones to throw. At one point you tried tossing sticks, but they didn’t travel as far, and they definitely didn’t break the surface of the water with a satisfying plop.

“Hey,” Seungcheol said, nudging your elbow excitedly, “I dare you to get in the pond.”

“No way!” You cackled. “It’s freezing. And that pond is nasty.”

“Just dip your toe in or something.”

“You dip your toe in!”

“I don’t wanna take off my socks.”

You huffed, a plume of your breath escaping into the crisp air.

“Well, we’re at a crossroads then, aren’t we?”

Rather than continue bickering about the dare, you were starting to feel these annoying hunger pangs. You didn’t eat dinner because of how nervous you were toward this fake date (which was rapidly morphing into a very real date) with Seungcheol. The most you ate today had been some toast and pieces of apple your roommate cut the night before. Directly on cue, your stomach gurgled, and your face swelled hot with embarrassment. Seungcheol grinned.

“Hungry?”

“Starving, more like.” You corrected him.

He pulled out the white fabric liners of his pockets, revealing they were completely empty. “All my cash went to Wonwoo.”

You flashed a playful smile while repeating his statement from earlier. “Oh, wow. Not being able to cover the meal on a first date? You’re not making a good impression, sweetheart.”

In an instant, Seungcheol had snatched your hand, interlocking your fingers together warmly. He began tugging you out of the park and onto a familiar street, where there was a twenty-four-hour diner that the students absolutely loved. Admittedly, you had been there a few times. Once as a giggly drunk who just wanted a waffle plate at three in the morning, and also as a struggling student who was desperate for a cup of coffee in order to power through a procrastinated essay. Now, it seemed you were returning for a date.

“I’ll pay you back, promise.” Seungcheol said as the server placed a nacho platter onto the table. “It’s my new priority.”

The diner was quiet and mostly empty apart from a group of three seated at another table. You didn’t realize just how hungry you were until that first taste of melted cheese, salsa, and seared chicken hit your mouth. Seungcheol didn’t like black olives, so he kept picking them off. You were eating too ravenously to inspect your food.

“You’re taking the olives off?” You smirked. “Baby.”

Seungcheol scoffed. “I am not a baby.” He looked up at you as he shoved another delicious chip in his mouth. “And I know it gives you some sick, twisted pleasure to say that. You should be ashamed.”

Nearly choking on the water you just sipped, you dropped the cup back on the table to cough a few times.

“You know what’s sick? The fact I’m paying.”

The boy reached for his glass of coca cola. “Yeah, but technically this isn’t a real date. So, doesn’t count.”

“Really?” Raising a questioned eyebrow, you watched Seungcheol take a long gulp from his drink. “Are you willing to say that with your entire chest? That this isn’t a real date?”

And in that moment, Seungcheol genuinely seemed to have met a stupor. In fact, there was a red tint dusting the crest of each his cheeks. He leaned back in the booth, folded his arms over his chest, and pursed his lips. You waited patiently for his response, lifting a nacho to your mouth while threads of cheese dangled in the air.

A smile broke through his stiff, musing expression.

“Okay,” he nodded his head, “maybe this is a real date,” (your heart impossibly fluttered), “you could be right about that.”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page.” You answered.

In truth, you couldn’t have been more delighted to hear Seungcheol agree, because if he hadn’t, you would have dined and dashed, fled straight out the restaurant in a haze of shame and embarrassment. In the span of just a few hours, your attraction toward this boy had impressively expanded like a sponge soaking up water. Before, you weren’t positive that he could be your true love. It was mostly a running joke between you and… well, yourself. However, this one night was proving that perhaps your joke could have some actual weight to it. And as Seungcheol continued to make you laugh, choke on your food, stare at him in complete adoration like he was a crowned jewel, you completely lost track of time.

It wasn’t until you burst into another frenzy of laughter at his story and spilt water all down your shirt that you finally checked your phone. Almost one in the morning. The server whisked your cutlery and plates away with a tired expression. You tipped generously, feeling rather guilty for creating such a racket at this hour.

“Do you want my jacket?” Seungcheol asked as you prepared to leave. There was a huge water stain soaking through your shirt.

“A-Are you sure?” You asked him, pulling a few strands of hair from your face. He nodded, already wrestling the jacket off.

“Go change, sweetheart,” Seungcheol told you so casually that you couldn’t hide this blatant look of surprise, “I’ll wait outside.”

Entering a washroom stall, you peeled the damp shirt over your head and folded it to pack nicely within your purse. You then slipped into Seungcheol’s jacket, which had this wonderful, warm fleece patched to the inside. It was soft against your bare skin, and it smelled like a fragrant hint of his cologne. After spending an extra moment freshening up at the sink, you wandered back into the cool night, where Seungcheol was leaning against a street pole. You weren’t sure if your eyes were playing tricks at the late hour, or if he’d actually given you a very smug, very relishing once-over.

Considering you had class early the next day, you asked Seungcheol if he’d be willing to walk you home. He obliged, and you paced together in comfortable silence until reaching the bridge. It arched over a swirling, gushing river which ran through the city, the current black as kohl and reflecting the lights of the nearby architecture. In the daytime this bridge wasn’t anything spectacular, but it was a beautiful vantage point during the night; a place to watch the city sparkle and flash like the cosmos.

“Hey,” Seungcheol whispered, grabbing your hand, “I have another dare for you, since you chickened out on the pond.”

You looked at the mischief compiling in his gaze. “What?”

“Climb up there.”

Seungcheol pointed toward a thick, metal beam that slanted upward, like a ramp. It flattened out at the top, and sometimes when you walked by during the day, there would be a few students sitting down after class, eating sandwiches or cracking open sodas. A placement of bars was set behind, only wide enough to stick your leg through. You glanced back at Seungcheol and nodded.

“Okay, fine.”

And so you began to climb up the slanted beam, feeling the breeze nip at your cheeks, your hair, like the smallest of kisses. At the flattened section, you turned around and looked down at Seungcheol, feeling like the empress of a powerful kingdom. His face ignited in the moonlight. He was smiling very wide as you stuck out your tongue.

“Easy. I dare you to climb up here.”

Seungcheol shook his head. “I, uh, can’t.”

“Why not?” You laughed, folding your arms. “Scared?”

“No, I just—I twisted my ankle, so I can’t.”

“When was that?”

“You weren’t looking.”

Rolling your eyes, you decided to tease him. Taking the zipper dangling from his jacket, you began to pull it down slowly, revealing a hidden amount of skin which turned the boy’s face an adorable pink.

“If you come up here, I’ll take the jacket all the way off.” You sang in a promiscuous tone, lifting up the strap of your bra and snapping it. Seungcheol grinned, cupping a hand over his gaze.

“No way. I’m not falling into a trap like that.”

“Fine,” you huffed, lowering to your butt and carefully scooting your way down the metallic beam, “you missed out.”

Seungcheol merely held his tongue; however, he did take the zipper on his jacket and pull it back up, right to your chin, hiding the expanse of flesh from the bright moonlight. You weren’t sure what courageous energy had just taken over your body. In fact, you’d probably regret such a thing by the time your alarm clock erupted tomorrow morning, pulling you from the pit of your sleep.

“I don’t want you getting cold.” He said. “And I can’t believe you nearly gave me a strip tease from the support beam of a bridge. That’s a first.”

“I’m just making sure you don’t forget this date.” You chuckled, half in nonsense, half in truth.

As he promised, Seungcheol walked you back to the house and made sure the door unlocked using the spare key under the letter box. Thankfully, your roommate left the lights of the front porch on, the bulbs now swathed in grey moths. It was a strange night. A night that wouldn’t have happened if not for the antics of Seungcheol and his two equally competitive friends. Maybe there was a positive side to burning Joshua’s chemistry notes, though you weren’t sure he’d be thrilled to hear you admit that. A game of I Dare You, turned into a fake date, turned into a real date, turned into a sweet affection.

You yawned, feeling the faint glisten of tears stretch in your eyes. “I had fun. And I guess I’ll see you tomorrow in toxicology.”

“With my jacket.” He reminded you.

“Yes, of course. With your jacket.”

And while you expected Seungcheol to simply bid his goodnight and perhaps take a late bus home, firing question after question of why he decided to accept such a stupid dare as he stared out the window, you were surprised when he reached for your hand.

“By the way,” he said, “I accept.”

You crinkled your nose. “Accept what?”

“The dare. I’ll buy you coffee every morning this week.”

“Oh!” There was a small flare crackling to life in your eyes as you recalled the original dare of the night. “That’s right. I forgot.”

“Yeah, I’ll do it.” Seungcheol agreed. He then squeezed your hand. “On the account of one very simple condition.”

“I don’t think you can do that. Doesn’t seem rule-abiding.”

The boy discarded your comment. Instead, his grasp became tighter around your hand. He pulled you swiftly into his chest and stared straight into your helpless, panicking eyes as though he were going to confess something profound and utterly dire.

He smirked. “I want you to kiss me each time.”

Seungcheol lifted his brow in anticipation of your response, which was an undoubted agreement. Probably the fastest, easiest agreement you had ever made in your life. He moved in close to your ear, whispering something about how you should meet at the café tomorrow morning and walk to the lecture hall together, though you were ultimately buzzing and experiencing such a bold heartbeat that you missed most of the details. When he pulled away, you smiled.

“That sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow. Goodnight.”

Stepping off the porch, he turned back with a wave.

“Goodnight, sweetheart.”

✧✎ a/n: the reason i wanted to rewrite this fic was bc i still rly enjoy the concept. however, i cannot STAND my old style of writing, thus i decided to just rewrite the fic and appease the nagging in my head lol. this is how i would have written this fic today if i hadn’t already done so four years ago. i’m also questioning the possibility of rewriting love café for jeonghan (pls don’t go reading it if u haven’t already) but that would take much longer ,,,, JUST AN IDEA THOUGH. i hope you enjoyed!!

#seventeen scenarios #seungcheol scenarios #svt fanfic #seungcheol fanfic #choi seungcheol #s.coups scenario #svt fluff #seventeen fluff #seventeen imagines #scoups fluff #svt x reader #seungcheol x reader

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jiminrings · 4 years ago

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hellooo can i request a drabble of uni!au art major tae and biochem major yn? also part one of the would you series is AMAZINGGG seriously i cant wait to read more!! <3

rich kid kim

pairing: taehyung x y/n

wordcount: 5k

glimpse: tae’s cold and probably needs a friend more than he needs a model, y/n feels this nEED to take care of him, a term of enderment then a dash of emotional constipation and a sprinkle of jealousy :D

notes: thank you for the request babes!! writing this made my heart melt and aND!!! thank you omg i’m glad you like would you :((

if you squint or if you’ve read insufferable, this is most probably taehyung and his y/n!!!

taehyung is personally more than willing to pay himself out of this project

oKAY LISTEN

he’s not the proudest knowing that he comes from a rich family and he’s the only kid and he’s never really struggled for much

everything was just given to him without any hesitations whatsoever

and yeah he admits that he can nEVER admit that his pampered and luxurious lifestyle since birth has shaped him to be this way and it’s hard to unlearn these types of things

things were too easy for him and thAt’s what made it hard

tae is the farthest thing from an outcast..,.,.,.,

.,.,. but that’s him in his usual rich boi bubble of elites wherever he goes because he’s surrounded by people like him

hoseok and jimin have got to be his closest friends but of course they pursued business degrees and everyone must’ve probably saw that coming

nobody, however, expected the kim taehyung to pursue a degree based rootly on passion and even major in it

yeah that’s right what are yOU looking at???

he’s an art student and yeah he’s taking this seriously ://

do yOU have a problem with that?? do you?? no what did you say?? step the fuck up ky-

spoiler alert: people do have a problem with that

taehyung could tell that his parents did a complete 180 when they learned through jimin’s noisy-ass mouth (not even through their own son) that he’s gonna be getting an art degree

his dad’s the one who’s most especially disappointed at him because well he’s the only child and uhhhh.,.,.,, so who’s gonna inherit the company now.,.,,,

tae normally feels selfish and this time, he felt like he was being rational rather than being selfish!! this is what he passionately wants!! pls god can i be selfish oNE more time

eventually his parents had no choice because as their son explained,, having an art degree won’t keep him away from the family business at all and he could even expand it!! he doesn’t need a degree!!!

lmao he’s been putting the money he gets on the stock market ever since he was ten years old

and they had to accept it eventually because this is what HE wants and if this is the only thing that he wants... then might as well help him through it, right??

now this is another dilemma

taehyung’s applied at a regular university in which everyone’s blended together and no one really cares about who’s who

it’s not exclusive to people like him.

he submitted his requirements and his portfolios by himself!!

and he got accepted!!

he’s nOT SURE if it’s purely because of his skills and himself and not his parents’ money nor influence

whatever it is, he doesn’t want to know because if it ends up being the answer he doesn’t want?? lol he’d crawl into a hole and mope for a week and would be doomed to wear three-piece suits for the rest of his life

so anyways

yeah..,, this is one of the handful of times that taehyung is completely willing to pay himself out

this project was supposed to be easy enough as what the professor said but uH he’d like to passive-aggressively decline pls and thank you

their final project was to make a portrait

right?? easy!!

a portrait of sOMEONE IN CAMPUS,,, regardless if you know them or not

(( well of course you’d get to know them by the end because yea they’re required to show proof that they indeed met and the model did agree to be painted ))

and by the end of the project, it’s either they keep it to themselves or give it to the model!!

that should be easy, right??

...

....

...... pls say right

oh my god tae should probably drop out now so he doesn’t get to do this

rich people don’t necessarily have to be educated, right???? maybe he’ll just settle into being a himbo

he learned about the meaning of the word through urban dictionary that he tHEN only learned about like six months ago and now he gets so many things

taehyung’s not intimidated by the workload of it all -- in fact, he’s even excited about it because it helps him relax!!

what he’s intimidated about is the fact that he’s kim taehyung and there are only two possible options

either his model would be someone who knows him and would be taking every possible step to ensure that they climb the social ladder through him and they’re not even gonna be dISCREET about it

his model wouldn’t completely care about who he is and in the process belittles him upfront and tbh his hart wouldn’t be able to take that and he’s probably wipe his tears away with dollar bills

there is almost no in-between, that one he’s sure of

so why are you like this?

why are you neither of the two and why are you sO kind and go against his expectations????

do you have an ulterior motive or something????

you who’s a biochem major and is actually another building away from his own

you who’s made the initiative that you become hIS model

you who actually oFFERED and almost begged to be a part of a project that would only be for tae’s benefit

... aha

that’s about -5 points from being a cool laid-back nonchalant gal

+10 for looking like someone who’s had a massively obsessive crush on him since day one and looking like you’d lay his life for him

no but lmao actually you just learned about taehyung in a magazine

you were bored at the dentist’s and scrolled through every possible outlet in your phone and it didn’t satiate you anymore!!! so how about reading a good ol’ magazine :D

then came taehyung

it was a whole issue dedicated to him and you were probably too dedicated into reading it that this time it was you telling the dentist to wait lol

that’s as far as you knew about him

and then you learned just some weeks ago that taehyung happens to study where you also study at and that was.,., inch resting

you never really saw him before around campus because it was too big and well maybe if you put in the effort, you’d actually find him

maybe you had a tiny lil admiration for kim taehyung just from one whole issue alone you read at the dentist’s or whatever

you’ve only known about this final project situation through changbin!!!

changbin, your neighbor at the apartment next to you, who’d crash over whenever his wifi feels the tiniest bit slow

yes you did spend a little more money to upgrade your internet situation (most times it’s the router who makes all the difference) because you were so tIRED of having things slow in the middle of researching for your projects in biochem)

no you will nOT have that <3

and of course changbin’s not having your that shitty wifi either so he pushed you to get that in the first place so he can use it too lmao

he’s told you just a couple of days ago about his final project and that maybe, just maybe, he’d make it into a move for this girl that he likes

nothing’s more romantic than pleading for someone to paint ur face right

and your grade and the decision to whether you’re gonna pass or flunk and graduate or retake are relying on you mostly

and in changbin’s case it’s also hIS heart on the line so yeah no pressure at all luv

“i kinda feel bad for rich kid kim, y’know?”

“what about taehyung???”

“eW do you have a crush on him??”

“addressing someone by their name equals to a crush??????”

your banters never stop because you’re as quick-witted as him and he both loves and hates it

he loves that omg someone can keep up with him and that way he gets challenged to always have the last say!!

he hates that oh god why is he friends with someone who reminds him of himself so much how is hE gonna deal with that??

sometimes he’ll purposely argue with you to fEEL something lmao

but there’s just something here that tells him you’re a little more interested now in this flow of conversation ever since rich kid kim was mentioned

“hm, nothing. i’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a model yet.”

he dodges you in the kitchen to look for peanut butter in your cupboard and oddly... you’re not berating him for decreasing your groceries....?

what does changbin mean by that? whAt model?? model as in taehyung doesn’t have the newest model of whatever car he wants? or maybe he has a model girlfriend and-

hold on wait wHAT

taehyung has a-

“m-model?”

he looks at you weirdly but you don’t even bat an eye when he gets ahold of your marshmallow spread so that he could make another one of his s’mores sandwiches

“uhhhh model as in he doesn’t have someone to paint for our project??”

is that what you wanted to hear or,.,

you and changbin share one (1) brain cell and it SHOWS

the two of you have to open your mouths, then close, then ponder, and then do that aGAIN until the both of you could finally grasp if you were in the same page

“oh cool!! i’ll be his model then!”

“yeah but did he ask”

“it’s gonna be easy!! i’ll just tag along with you to your building”

“yeah but did he aSK”

“we’re probably gonna hit it off instantly and then you’ll have to leech off from someone else for their wifi and food and every other necessity that you already have-”

“yeah but dID HE ASK????”

long-story short: no. taehyung most certainly did not ask you to be his model.

but here you are

saying that you came a long way is a bit of a stretch because taehyung mostly turns his head the other way around when you call out to him in public

progress is still progress :D

you’re eating lunch with him at the same table and this time you’re sat beside him!! when normally he’d just walk home to his apartment (lol that’s not allowed but you won’t be surprised to know that he has a free pass) and eat!!!

before that, taehyung would gLARE at you until you stop asking to sit with him in his table

yea he gets a bit lonely at time because jimin and hobi aren’t with him and hE’S the outcast but he won’t do anything about it,, just scroll through his phone while he eats and tune everyone out

you figured that maybe it’s changbin always linked with you in lunch because your schedules just matched up thAt perfectly like it does with tae’s

hee-hee so you might have elbowed him until he begrudgingly agreed to be tolerable, keep atleast four feet of distance from you, and not call tae rich kid kim

spoiler alert: taehyung doesn’t really care about whatever you do because doing those changes with changbin did nOT work at all

however

H O W E V E R

taehyung doesn’t know at all how you’ve wormed your way into his heart!!

what seem to be cold to you is his warmest he’s ever been in such a new environment and outside of his usual comfort bubbles!!!

it’s like you occasionally stealing the food from his plate when you have the same thing is the equivalent of h*lding h*nds with him

you putting your leg over his before he pushes it after five seconds mUST be the equivalent to marriage

wait he’s lying

taehyung does know how you’ve wormed your way to his heart

“hi! i’m y/n! :D”

ok u are a little bit sweaty and out of breath from doing all that fast-paced walking for the past ten minutes

your new shoes that you still need to break into further aren’t helping your situation in the slightest bit

honestly? this is all changbin’s fault <3

he unknowingly gave you the sign that you were looking for

if he says yeah five times with five minutes?? okay yeah you’re definitely looking for kim taehyung and offering yourself to become his model

you don’t wanna sound weird but you feel sorry for him and you wanna help him :((

he’s not helping you tho because he has long legs underneath those trousers and it looked like he wouldn’t budge at all not unless you jogged and stopped right in front of him

“hi! i’m y/n!! :D”

“...”

“.....”

tae’s a bit... perplexed

because who’s THIS entity and why are you standing in front of him

...

....

“bye y/n.”

he wants to exit from this situation because oh my god??

why r u like this

he didn’t ASK for your name!!

and he doesn’t even know you and giving him your name honestly won’t do anything and he doesn’t get what’s your motive and-

“oh c’mon!! you didn’t even shake my hand :((”

he feels even more lost as he tries to wrap his head around that uh.....

you uh.... you wanted a handshake??

.....

tae doesn’t even hide his annoyance because it’s clear as day!!!

he’s blatantly tilting his head at you rudely with a blank stare omg take the hint pLEASE

realizing it now you mAY have came on too strong to taehyung that looks confused as ever

“hi, i’m y/n.”

changbin’s by one of the lockers taking pics of you beaming at taehyung and him scowling down to show you later how dumb you look and how you shouldn’t do this at all

okay LISTEN

his personality trait is to immediately assume the worst out of every scenario possible and that way when something slightly less worse happens? that’s a win babie ;D

he became ur friend in the first place because you heard him yelling since he’s at the door right next to yours and you could hEAR him throwing things around as he cusses his laptop

yeah he cusses his laptop what about it??

if you close your eyes hard enough, you could hear him throw his router against the wall (you later learned that he was so close to finishing his digitalization but then his laptop decided to die) before punching the air

(( the friendship started when you knocked vERY gently and offered him to borrow your laptop even if you aren’t done with all your homework ))

((( changbin thought at first that u were such an organized and too-friendly social butterfly who’s a kiss-ass to everyone but now he thinks ur the coolest person ever and he treasures you more than life itself )))

although, taehyung’s a lot more vicious and closed-off and critical than changbin

he narrows his gaze at you as you introduce yourself for the second time before merely clicking his tongue

“ok cool”

is that uhm

is that IT good sir

“you’re not,” you’re dancing around your words and being careful to not let a pout grace your lips at the sheer lack of enthusiasm, “gonna introduce yourself to me??”

you got a reaction alright

taehyung sCOFFS and that’s the loudest he’s ever been with you in the span of two minutes

“you followed me for ten minutes just to tell me your name. kinda seems like you already know mine if you do that, no?”

this is why you took up biochem instead of law

how do the lawyers not break down???

why does phoenix wright make it seem SO easy?? especially when he’s spoken to in a confrontal tone???

oh god taehyung broke you already

not to be rude but uh what do you wANT

can you get it over already??

“o-oh! uhm i was wondering if i could uHm,” you sound ridiculous now that you think about it and this is perhaps one of the only times you feel embarrassed, “volunteer to be your model for your project?”

hmm

was that a wrong answer,,,

sHOULD YOU HAVE SAID THAT??

“are you in my class?”

taehyung asks and he’s finally said a sentence to you!!! omg

you’re quite shocked so he had to click his tongue to get you to answer

“no, actually!! i’m a biochem major and-...”

that’s all it takes before he hums and nods his head

and for some reason taehyung looks at you like you’re pREY

“are you a stalker?”

okay wait holy fuck wHAT

you know what

you took a sip from changbin’s coffee half an hour ago but why are you only choking on it nOW

you’re positively sputtering and now ur pressured bc tae thinks you’re a stalker!!! a damn stalker!!

“looked at you long enough. i don’t need a sketch artist and i could just-”

no no no pls no

this meeting is going downhill very quickly

“oh my god taehyung i’m nOT a stalker okay!!!”

that shuts him up because your voice is so firm and okAY then how do u explain this stalker smh ://

throughout the whole time you’re talking about changbin being an art major and also your neighbor and everything in between, tae has such a neutral expression that you feel so intimidated

“-and that’s what!! i’m not taking advantage of you or anything, if that’s what you’re thinking i guess? i swear!!”

he listened and well if he’s being honest,,, okay yea you did make sense and he does know changbin

“okay then. i’ll think about it.”

“are you gonna give me your number???”

it’s either you’re so forward or he’s just not used to being caught off-guard

WHICH FUCKING ONE

“what for?”

it’s been so long ever since someone asked taehyung for his number

usually in galas and any other socialite gatherings you could think of, everyone’s number would just be in your phone automatically and you won’t even rEMEMBER how it got there in the first place

better yet, it’s been so long since he went back to his usual routine lifestyle of being himself

his last gala was two weeks ago and tae had to keep looking at his phone to study pdfs and whatever clear pictures he can get of his reviewers back at home because he had a test tomorrow morning

“so you could text me where we’re gonna meet so you could paint me, silly!!”

okay wOAH there

“i didn’t even say that you’d be my model????”

“lol but you were thinking it huh”

that’s it

taehyung has nO choice but to paint you if he wants to finish this project and graduate and have something of a thicker paper to flaunt

it came as a shock to him that hE took your offer and he could only imagine its effect on you

not to brag but tae didn’t even have to sweat for a little because it’s yOU who came to him with this offer!! not him!!

tae lives in the classiest apartment here in uni and everyone probably knows that

much to his insistence that he doesn’t want anyone from uni going outside his apartment, he had to take an L and invite you over

he wouldn’t risk doing his work in any place else because he doesn’t want anyone thinking and getting the wrong idea!!

speaking of, he’s regretting it now because you seem to be too happy being in his space

you’re pointing around and being awed at every possible thing!!!

what??? is this ur first time seeing a rattan hanging chair :// or a massive couch?? or a canvas painting of something so beautiful?? all of that in what’s supposed to be a student’s one apartment??? christ y/n get yourself together

“so what do you want me to do?? where do i sit oR do i stand instead?? i’m gonna need you to know that-...”

“nothing.” taehyung deadpans before he gets his camera so he could get digital shots as well if ever he needs an extra touch when it comes to his final product

the gears in your head are going bRRR and you’re gonna have to ask him to elaborate but taehyung already sets the pace

“nothing. just be your rEALLY annoying self and pretend i’m not here.”

normally you don’t take his words to heart but this one just hits a little close to home bc it’s early in the morning and taehyung already finds you intolerable

“by pretend, do you mean-...”

“up to you. are you more annoying around me or no?”

how did he read your MIND

tae got the thoughts in your head word per word and you’re so amazed at that because fUcK you originally thought that he’s good at bluffing his way up

click!

it’s you smiling at him

no you’re beaming at him

and you’re in front of his morning-lit curtains and you’re against the light

the portrait itself is already visually appealing and satisfying and man the shadows!!! the value!!!! they’re so raw and dreamy and this is exactly his style!!!

it was just a one-take wonder as soon as he took a picture of you!!! and he may have you to hold that position if he needs the push!! he just needs to translate it to canvas with his own language and emotions and then he’s dONE!!

you’re a pain in the ass

you laugh and you move too much

taehyung had you to to revisit that pose and hold it and you wouldn’t stop giggling bc you were too proud that you did THAT!

you also ask too many things that even hE doesn’t have the answers to

how is he supposed to know if red string lovers exist when you went into a spiel just because you saw a red tube of paint???? and why is he saying his opinions on such trivial things when he has his final project to take care of???

and how is he supposed to know why YOU’RE here hanging out with him instead of finishing your own final project

jk maybe it’s the L word but you’re gonna subdue that as much as possible since taehyung looks like he’d leave you by yourself with any chance that he gets

and you even call him terms of endearment!!! nicknames!! pet names!! names that you’d call someone who’s familiar to you and you probably l*ve!!!

angel

that’s what you call him :))

“why do you call me that?”

“because you look like one”

“and how would yOU know what angels look like??”

“because if they were to exist then you’d probably look like one!!”

“but-”

“ok that’s one minute no more questions taehyung <3″

tae just provides you with all the conviction you need to take care of him without even knowing

not in a maternal type of instinct type of way, but rather in a sPECIAL someone type of way

you find yourself caring for him mOre than you ever could for any regular friend you have!!

you just throw a whole loaf of bread to changbin and call it a day

but for tae??? you go above and beyond!!

“did it ever hit you that rich kid kim never really introduced himself to you?”

oh right....

changbin points out one day and you could see where he was getting at

for some reason he always knew what was in your mind at any given time and sometimes it’s to your disadvantage

you seem to be growing on taehyung though!!

he tolerates you better now!!

sometimes he’ll find you loveable even

he likes having someone around and you’re the perfect contender

if he decides to not talk too much, then you fill up the white noise!!

if he wants you to shut up?? then yOU shut up but of course not without babbling for a little

he’s opened up but with some reservations

some reservations that you don’t mind but it’s normal that you feel sometimes left out, y’know??

because it’s been a good month since you and taehyung properly interacted but he still resents you as much if you think about it

“hey angel!!”

“what is it-...”

taehyung looks up from his meal that he’s been poking at his fork because this has to be the fourth time you call out to him

so he turns to look at you and-

uhm

there seems to be a misunderstanding

you weren’t calling HIM

you were calling out to some other guy that iSN’T him

that’s seungmin!!! omg you haven’t seen him in so long and he just happened to pass by your lunch table!!!

apparently he has something to talk to you about which is why you’re standing up and leaving tae all alone on the table

seungmin’s smile is adorable as always and he gets you in a pretty good mood!!

oh god

dear gOD

what is taehyung feeling in his chEST???

tae’s grip on his fork is starting to get pRETTY tight

and if he’s aware enough, his right eye’s twitching and he’s practically scoffing under his breath

why tf would you call him that

WHO is angel and why is it nOT him anymore????

what he’s feeling is just unexplainable and it tastes something like betrayal

“who’s he?”

he quizzes you as soon as you get back to your table and you don’t waver one bit because you know he’s been asking questions recently

“oh that’s just seungmin!! we were childhood friends then he just transferred here awhile-...”

there’s a bitter taste on his tongue and it shows up in his face and you’re not even paying attention to him!!

“really? thought i was him for a second.”

ok now that got you to stop eating

????

why is he acting weird

taehyung looks even more irked because you look sO oblivious right now

“do you call everyone angel?”

o-oh where is this going

“uhm-”

you’re not even finished and to be honest you’re quite lost and taehyung sCOFFS you to the next century

“‘course you do.”

taehyung angrily finishes his meal and you leave it at that because ok maybe he had a bad day?? and he’s just taking it out on you??

and well tae DOESN’T want you to leave it at that

he wants you to ASK him why he’s mad!!! he’s passive-aggressive and it’s getting unhealthy but he’d rather choke than have him spill whatever he’s feeling

the next few days, taehyung avoids you like his LIFE depended on it

you’re not really bothered by it because he has his days, but this one’s just getting out of control

“are you giving me a time-out or something??”

lmao what did u do now

you nudge him when you see him by changbin’s apartment to borrow an easel even though he’s already got it by his apartment

yeah he’s mad at you and he’s petty but maybe he wants to see you again

tae’s giving you silent treatment and you don’t even question him for it

you don’t bother!!

you’re letting him do whatever he wants as always and he dOESN’T like it anymore!!!

he feels like he’s gonna combust at any given time and you don’t give a shit and he feels like yOU should give a shit because you always do!!

you always hover and worry around him but wHY does he feel like you’re not doing it anymore??

why does he yEARN FOR YOU???

it’s quite an an early night for you

you love biochem but sometimes it kicks your ass and it makes you retch at the mention of all-nighters nowadays!! bc they used to be fun but now doing them because you nEED to?? no thx

you’re already in your pajamas and you’re all washed up!! what could changbin need from you at 9 in the evening??

there’s an urgent knocking on your door and you resist the need to groan because you were about to really knock yourself out!! you need to get back all the rest you’ve wasted over your own final project

is that-

“taehyung?”

the man in question is in his huge yellow hoodie that swallows him up every time and he looks positively spent

his hair’s shaggy and his eyes are glazed and there’s a pink tint to his cheeks :((

he’s holding a baby hydroflask in his hands and you’re pretty sure that’s alcohol in there lol

“don’t call me taehyung!!”

he immediately snaps and you’re lost as aLWAYS

did he really just walk all the way to your complex to snAp at you??

“i’m not taehyung,” he frowns deeply and that’s when you’re a bit more mesmerized, “i’m angel.”

is this what you think it is??

your no.1 deflection move is to laugH and you’re doing that rn

something about this whole situation tickles you funny and you’re not sure what to feel about it

“i like your bottle!! i should get one for myself!!”

he could see right through you though

he ignores your stOOpid statements and goes to hold your hands :((

“no, no. i’m your angel. i-i’m your taehyung, right??”

listen

taehyung is the most confusing being you know and he’s so emotionally constipated that he outperforms changbin but this one,,,

this just feels so different

he’s hugging you

he’s embracing you

he’s burrowing his face to your neck and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t ever imagine what this would feel like :(((

he positively 100% might be in love with you

and you positively 100% might be in love with him too

he’s fishing for your hand by your side to put in between your bodies as he shakes it and that’s because he doesn’t wanna let go of the hug

:((((

you’re melting and this what heaven must feel like :((((

“h-hi. name’s kim taehyung and i’m yours.”

#I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON THIS PLS LEAVE FEEDBACK PLS AND THANK YOU :D #taehyung #kim taehyung #taehyung imagine #taehyung imagines #taehyung x reader #taehyung x y/n #taehyung drabble #taehyung drabbles #taehyung au #taehyung oneshot #bts taehyung #bts imagine #taehyung fic rec #taehyung fic recs #bts fic recs #kim taehyung imagine #requested drabbles

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letsdiscoverkitty · 4 years ago

Text

"Life" Update - May 2021

This is the last of the three updates I have to post at the moment. If anyone actually reads these, especially in one go, you really do deserve a medal and I have no idea what I have done to deserve your kindness and support but THANK YOU SO MUCH (to all of you who are here, you are all truly wonderful and amazing) Okay, let's get going....

I suppose the title is a bit, well, overkill. To say that anyone has been had any sort of "life" over the past year would be a huge misuse of the word. The global pandemic has, quite literally, turned life upside down for the vast majority of people and I know that lockdowns, especially in the UK, have meant that anything other than what was deemed "essential" has been off the cards, which has hit us all hard.

I personally found it quite difficult whilst I was in hospital as although on the one hand it was good to know that there wasn't much that you were missing out on whilst locked on a ward with 15 minutes fresh air (if you were lucky), it did make it hard to find/hold onto motivation at times. Coupled with the fear of how my dad's condition would progress, whether he would make it and what sort of home life I would be going back to; the world suddenly felt even noisier than it had before (which I didn't think was really possible). The situation seemed to further heighten my fears as well as add to them. I found my mind was swamped with so many questions and fears, to then be asked about my future/what I wanted to do with my life (that classic question) and what my motivations were to get better, was too much. I fell blank.

I had completely lost myself and any shed of hope that was left inside of me. I tried to put on a smile; paint a different picture to the outside world but inside I was dark. I was hollow. I was empty.

What was the point? You never know what is waiting around the corner; everything can turn upside down overnight. What kind of 'life' would there be going back to anyway? Would it be possible to go to University anymore or would there still be multiple restrictions in place? would that make the huge financial costs worth it? What sort of society will we be coming out of the pandemic anyway? Will we even come out of this? Will people ever go back to offices again? Will we be able to see friends soon or go out to places? What about travelling? Fun? LIFE?

I found depression swamped me more than ever after dad's accident. I was trying to hold myself together for mum but I was losing all hope of anything ever being 'the same' or 'okay' again. In the end, the only reason I accepted the admission was for mum - I wanted to be able to support her with dad in hospital and us not know what the future held; as much as I wished I could be there all the time, I knew in the state I was that I couldn't. Initially I was told the admission would be a short one, that I could then go back home to support my mum through the family trauma...but that 4 weeks soon turned into over 8 months, which I still can't believe.

Gosh, I am sorry, I seem to have got a little distracted. This was meant to be the POSITIVE update. So let's get to those bits...

NEWS ONE: I HAVE A JOB (starting in Sept)

So whilst in hospital my consultant kept trying to get me to think about what I wanted to do with my life (just the small questions you know *lol*) - in her eyes she thought it would be risky to go back to University to do neuroscience/a degree so intense, and that instead I should think about doing something more creative, taking small steps to get a part time job and then go from there - which, as much as I hated to admit, I agreed with. However after one particularly bad run-in with the nutritionist when she decided to tell me that she didn't think I could achieve a life beyond Anorexia (it must have been mid-way-ish through my admission) blah blah blah (I get that she could have been trying to motivate me but there is a way to go about it and then there are ways to really not go about it and she chose the latter). Anyway, I was rather angry/mad and ended up doing basically trying to prove everyone wrong and started doing some research into my different options...

Long story short: I ended up applying to a degree apprenticeship scheme in business management...I've never really considered something like this before, perhaps partially because at school they drilled into me that business was a "soft" subject as it would not be looked upon very highly for Oxbridge applications *rolls eyes*. Thankfully I did a lot of research into Degree Apprenticeships a few years ago so I knew where to look online. Anyway, back to this application. I ended up going through the process/tests, somehow managing to make it through the initial online stages, then just before I was discharged I was invited to a online interview!

I only had a few days to do the interview before it timed out so I actually ended up doing it In the end the day after I was discharged (not ideal) and I was convinced that I had messed it up as it was one of those ones where you get shown the question for around 30 seconds before being given 2 minutes to respond - i.e. stress.pressure.anxiety.stumbling over words. HORRENDOUS.

I somehow passed the interview and the reviews before being invited to an online assessment centre in Feb, which spanned a whole day and included multiple interviews (the first was a strengths based interview with 2 interviewers for just over an hour - yuck!!!) as well as a presentation which we were given 24hrs in advance to prepare for (we were given 4 'topics'/questions and had to answer all of them in a 15 minute window using aids if we chose to, again to 2 (different) interviewers before having a 45 minute further interview - double yuck!)

Dare I say that I actually enjoyed the preparation for the presentation and the interviews?! It was so nice to have a focus and something to be working on that I was actually really beginning to connect with/want/see myself doing. The interviews and presentation themselves? HORRIBLE but the process reignited something within me. After the assessment centre day we were told it could be 7-10 working days to hear back from them - waiting for anything like this is just the worst so I wasn't looking forward to it and tried not to get my hopes up as these schemes are ridiculously hard to get into... Well, I got the call the next day saying that they were so impressed and out of something like 14,000 applications, I was offered one of the spaces on the scheme!! - I honestly still can't believe it and imposter syndrome is v real -

I know at the beginning of this I sounded very blase about the whole thing but as I progressed through the process, as I read more about the scheme and the business and what it would entail, the more I began to get excited. The more I realised how interesting it was and what an amazing opportunity it would be for me.

Despite this, I was also at the time, finishing up yet another an application to University (for the millionth time, I swear I must be a pro at these personal statements by now) this time for psychology and behavioural studies. This was before I got the offer of the degree apprenticeship scheme, which I knew was a long shot with only a handful of places given for thousands of applicants, so I felt I had to keep my options open (Neuro is still an area of fascination to me but not so much with the INTENSE LEVEL of physiology and pharmacology that I was doing at Bristol. Yes bits of it were good and interesting but that degree was ridiculous and, again, I felt far more drawn towards the behavioural studies and psychology when researching into Universities). I ended up getting 3 offers, 1 interview for Cambridge and 1 rejection (ironically from Bristol, even with my recommendation/support being from my previous personal tutor at Bristol!) - so I suddenly had options. And then the offer from the degree apprenticeship came through and there were even more options to choose from.

It honestly felt so surreal (and still does).

In the end, after a lot of thinking and debating and researching and talking, I decided to withdraw my University application and I accepted the degree apprenticeship role. Overall it is such an incredible opportunity that I knew I couldn't turn down, whereas University will always be there. I am actually getting a little excited about it (as well as extremely nervous, but I must say that the company has made a really positive/good impression thus far, even as far as creating MH podcasts with a psychologist for us and offering things like zoom baking sessions!).

So what is this degree apprenticeship? In short, it is a 3 year course during which I will have a Monday to Friday job at the company (for which the office is actually commutable from home - it is about 1hrs drive, which is not the best but it does mean that I can stay at home for at least the first year and there is a train I could get if I was too tired to do the drive all the time. As much as staying at home is not my long term plan it might help with the transition back to work/education to have a bit of stability and the support). During the first 2 years at the company we do four separate 6 month rotations in different areas to get lots of experience (marketing, supply chain, sales etc) whilst in the final year you get to put in a preference for where you would like to work for the year long placement. During this, every 6 or 7 weeks, we have to spend a week at University (which is not in commutable distance at all so the the company pays for our accommodation, travel and food during this time). As far as I have been told, we also get time during the working week allocated to do Uni work as well as our standard 'desk' jobs. Oh and not to mention one of the biggest sellers for degree apprenticeships....the company is basically sponsoring you so pays ALL of your tuition fees PLUS a basic salary! This means that you come out, in this case, with a Chartered business management degree, 3 years of hands-on work experience, as well as you being pretty much guaranteed a job within the company AND no student debt!!! How incredible is that? PLUS one big perk of the job is that they allow dogs in the office - I mean how could I say no to that?!!!!

So yes, by some magical miracle I actually have a job lined up for September! It still doesn't feel real and I am yet to fully process it. They don't know how it will be affected by COVID but the company did continue the programme last year (unlike some that postponed) so fingers crossed all should be going ahead. I have 'met' the other 4(?) who are on the scheme at my office as well and they seem lovely (including one other person who is my age/slightly older - which was such a relief as I was worried about it being only people just out of college).

I realise that it is going to be tough, I do not underestimate that at all, but I couldn't let anorexia still yet ANOTHER life milestone and opportunity away from me. There was a lot of questioning as to whether I should take it or not; I went back and forth between many spreadsheets that I made but I think this opportunity far outweighs going back to University. I have tried that route twice already and had to leave because of everything/haven't really coped (I think in some ways, being at Uni there is TOO MUCH free time and it allowed my perfectionism to run riot as I always felt like I was 'behind' in one way or another?). And that is not to mention that if I was going back to University, I would need to spend another 3-4 years studying, I would leave with little work experience or job in mind at the age of 29/30 with a mountain of debt.... And as I said before, I can always go back to University if I want to in the future/re train if I decide to, but this opportunity with a global company, well, this will never ever come my way again.

So yes that is my BIG BIG news. But I also have one more bit of news....

I'm getting a kitten. Yes, A KITTEN!!!!! I have so much more to say on this but for now you will have to wait and see. Photos will come when SHE does (a couple of weeks now)!!!

#personal #update #long #sorry I am no good at writing short posts anymore #well I never was #but this is my big news #TWO BITS OF BIG NEWS #ive still been baking and crocheting #and have taken up some gardening #and just generally trying to muddle through each day to be honest with you

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welcome-to-green-hills · 4 years ago

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I feel very comfortable asking you some questions about American stuff because if I ask anyone of my American friends they’d laugh at me. Here are my questions: what is a pretzel? What’s the difference between a college and a university? What is a sophomore?! Why do you have a different measuring system than other regions of the world? How come Americans appear snooty on social media? And what is an ounce? Thank you, I love ya, and thank you for not being like any other American.

Hello, friend! 😇🖐

I’m honored that you feel comfortable asking me these questions. I will not judge you. Not at all! These are very good questions! If your American friends laugh at you for asking things like this, then maybe they’re not worth your time. There is nothing wrong with asking questions like this, these are cultural differences.

I’m more than happy answering these questions for you!😇

First question: “What is a pretzel?”

I know in the Sonic Movie it was mentioned that he refers to Maddie as a pretzel due to the way that she bends. In yoga, there is a pose that one dues that references the twists and curves of a pretzel:

Then there’s food! Yay!

🥨

There are a couple of versions of pretzels in America, some are tiny and hard like a tree nut. Others are larger, soft and a bit crispy like a churro or some lightly salted crisps/potato chips. Normally they’re about the size of one’s hand and come with a small cup of melted cheese or some mustard to dip them in. I know that some who read this wince a tad at the word “mustard,” but it’s not mild tasting as it would be in some regions in Europe. American mustard is like sucking on lemon with sugar. That’s the best that I can describe it, it’s been ages since I’ve had taste buds.

Pretzels do originate from Germany and brought over to the Americas... specifically in the Philadelphia, USA region. The twists have a Christian resemblance to them to honor prayer. You can read more about it HERE if you’d like!🥰

——————————(🥨🥨🥨)——————————

Next question: “What is the difference between a University/Uni and a college?”

I’m trying to think of the best examples I can to explain the difference here... There is a difference between the two. You’re not going crazy, I promise.❤️ School is also very expensive here, at least 48% of the whole American population has some sort of education degree.

We have a Community College, it’s like attending an FE (Further education) and it’s reserved for people between the ages of 16-18 years of age. This is where some go if they want to start attending school, but don’t know what college is like. Think of it as a “university-in-training.”

A college is a step up from a Community College. It is a place where you can get a degree, but it’s much more... relaxed(?) than a university. It does offer sports, like Futbol and American Football, lacrosse, and track—just to name a few. The classes are smaller in size. Think of the biggest room in your house, apartment/flat, or rowhouse; that’s about the size of the room and it normally fits between 25-30 students in it. They only offer some degrees.

A university is much larger. My university has as many as 10,000 students. They’re also much more welcoming to accepting students from around the world. I’m in a class where I’m the only American in it, I have lots from Brazil, Argentina, Ontario, and some in London. There’s one class that I’m in that has about 450 students in it! In a university—sometimes called a Uni—you can receive an undergraduate degree and a graduate degree.

——————————(🏫⚽️📚)——————————

Next Question: “What is a sophomore?!”

Sophomore... a funny word, isn’t it?

It does have a peculiar meaning. Much like how some regions around the world do years 1-11 in their schooling, Americans use terms “freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior” for school and at a university.

Freshman year would be the equivalent to year 9

Sophomore would be the equivalent to year 10

Junior would be the equivalent to year 11

And senior would be like attending a year 12 for ages between 17-18.

Americans only extend school for 7.5 hours and do not go to school on Saturday. It’s a short amount of time due to a few concepts:

The American’s industrial revolution had children working in the fields and factories and had to help families at work or attend to crops.

The American schooling system has it scheduled in a way where a public school’s buses can pick up children at certain times to bring them to school.

Some kids between the ages of 16-18 who still attend public schools go to school in the morning and take retail jobs in the afternoons.

There is an option to take Saturdays as a school day, but that’s if you’re failing a course.

I have my schooling set up for every day of the week so I don’t lose pace in my school work and I’m always in the “know” of the evolving world.

——————————(🏫🖌📚)——————————

Next question: “Why do you have a different measuring system than other regions of the world?”

“What is an ounce” will also follow this statement. This one is a complicated answer, I’m not going to lie. We are taught how to convert our measurements into the universal language so everyone can understand it, but we barely touch up on the subject.

One is based off of money... the other reason has to do with ego.

The Americans have a different system that’s been apart of the culture since the industrial revolution. It was to help keep track of everything that was manufactured in factories and shared across the country. Bigger companies have thought about changing it in the past, but they really don’t want to spend the money.

Boo.

The other reason has to do with ego. The belief here is that if the Americans keep this system of measurement up, then the rest of the world will eventually follow them. It’s got to do with this belief that they’re being leaders of the whole world...

I have always made sure that when I give measurements here I give the American measurements and the correct measurements that everyone understands.

——————————(📏📐📏)——————————

Next question: “How come Americans seem snooty in social media?”

Oh boy... this goes into ettiquites and to ego here.

In the past I’ve always said that once when people reach a certain number of followers and popularity, their personality does change. Sure, having a certain amount of followers is great, but that doesn’t mean that you should show off and become something that you’re not.

That’s not the You that you used to be.

We are a country that has access to everything quickly, made cheaply or sturdy, and we are a rich country. We are in this belief that we are living the “American Dream” of being comfortable and living happy, but a great majority of us here are not. We’re a country that has access to everything in one way or another. Many are spoiled and sheltered in a bubble. Many Americans are not “disciplined,” nor educated, in knowing that one cannot get everything that they desire. If you want something, work for it. Desires shouldn’t be handed over to someone, the true value and worth of it would never be understood...

I think that the reason that many appear and act snooty online is because of attention and the fame behind it. In some way, one form or another, there is a sense of fame to a fandom, a social media, or anything else that quickly draws the attention of others. I think, this is my opinion, that those who act like they’re all that online are looking for evaluation of their self-worth. People venture off in search of popularity and an amologous substance to hold and morph it into their own worth. It’s an approval seeker for them because they’re used to getting everything.

Please set a good example for others...

——————————(🎉🎉🎉)——————————

Listen, I am sorry if there have been encounters before with some Americans that have been unpleasant. I really, truly am.

I will agree that many are difficult to engage with, yes, but it doesn’t give us the right to act like we’re the centers of the universe. I am sorry. I am happy that you do find me approachable with these questions, thank you for asking me! Anytime you have a cultural question as such, you’re more than welcome to ask me. I won’t judge. And I love ya, too!

❤️❤️❤️❤️

#mystery anon #off topic #culture #the americas #i’m an anthropologist

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goosegoblin · 5 years ago

Note

the breath of all things is one the fics that i will never forget

Thank you. That means a great deal to me.

I’m not sure I’ve said much about the circumstances under which I published TBOAT, but I kind of want to now. I spent probably 1-2 years writing it, never really expecting to publish it or have it be anything serious. I ended up submitting it for my DCBB piece, and nearly didn’t enter it because I thought it was some of my worst work. My beta readers were kind, though- one said they sobbed on the plane reading it, and I remember being honoured that they would go to the effort of downloading it for the flight. I figured it’d get a couple of positive reviews and be quickly forgotten about. I was utterly unprepared for what happened instead.

I’ve said most of that before, but what I haven’t really gone into detail about is just how sick I was at the time. Most of you know that I had anorexia, and I published TBOAT at my worst. I was already incredibly underweight and vulnerable, and when I left for university there were no more weekly weight checks and nobody to watch what I was up to. I only lost five or so more pounds, but they were pounds I absolutely could not afford to lose. I published TBOAT in my university halls of residence- alone, freezing, afraid. Weeks later, I left university on medical grounds. That decision most certainly saved my life.

But inside, I was a wreck. I’m certain many of you reading this will have left school or uni or work for mental or physical health reasons before, and you know how it feels. Everywhere I looked, my friends were having the times of their lives. They were drinking alcohol and having sex and going to parties. I was at home, freezing cold despite being bundled in layer after layer, with nothing to do and nowhere to go and no one to see. In the previous years, I had measured my success in two ways: academia and weight-loss. I had excelled at both and somehow come up more worthless than ever. What could possibly be left?

... yet the reviews kept coming in. I didn’t watch SPN any more- it was pretty impossible for me to focus by that point- but people were reading my work and connecting with it. They were kind. They pulled out lines that meant a lot to them and shared them with me. They told their friends to read it, and their friends left reviews too. They added it to collections on AO3, and they made blog posts about it, and they linked to it again and again and again. They made art. They made music. They translated it into their own tongues so they could share it with others. They asked me questions about the universe. They wrote fanfic based on it. Hell, someone made a fan video on Youtube!

Dean has depression in TBOAT. My depression was, at that stage, undiagnosed. Yet I had modelled Dean upon myself, and I had named Dean’s depression for what it was, and in some ways that was the first time I admitted to myself that I should probably consider the possibility. A few weeks after I came home, I made an appointment with a doctor and begun antidepressants. A few weeks after that, I began to gain weight- and for the first time outside of inpatient, I kept it on.

A year later, I returned to university at a weight that was very nearly healthy and met the man I am engaged to marry. I got a degree. I got a post-graduate degree. I picked up an ADHD diagnosis and understood, finally, that I was not broken- just wired a little differently. I gained more weight, and I kept that on too, and now I weigh approximately twice of what I did when I wrote TBOAT. Can you believe that? There’s twice of much of me in the world now. That is a good thing, I think.

In recent years, my relationship with TBOAT has become a little strained. As I have read more about disability justice and followed more disabled creators, I have to come to wish very much that I had done certain things differently. In striving to avoid some common problems in fiction, I ran headfirst into others. I made an addition in the author’s notes a year or so ago more or less saying so, and encouraging people to follow and share the work of disabled creators. At least one person said they appreciate that, which made me feel good. The comments from disabled people saying TBOAT helped them have always been the comments I treasure the most and take the most seriously, and I hope those people go on to find work that goes beyond the scope of mine. I was eighteen when I published TBOAT, and I am twenty-five now. I have done a lot of learning and growing, and that’s a good thing.

All of the fanfic I’ve published on AO3 was written while I was very unwell with anorexia. That’s... hard. I sometimes feel as though I got better at the expense of my ability to... well, to prove that I have something to offer the world. I’m at peace with that. It’s an uneasy peace, prone to treachery or wandering, but I keep the white flag flying as best I can.

I say all of this because I want you to understand the weight of it when I tell you that this is not a one-way relationship. I have read every single comment on TBOAT, and I carry them within my heart. I always will. The reviews and kind words of people from all across the world helped me to see a light within myself when my entire world was black and cold. I am still here, and I am still reading your words, and my world is warm now. It is soft and warm and I am home.

I can never thank you enough.

#weight cw #eating disorders cw #anorexia cw #weight loss cw #ed cw #i please excuse me over-indulgent writing #i am a little drunk!!!#Anonymous #honk response

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etudier-avec-bella · 5 years ago

Text

My First Term at University

Hello! If you’ve been following me for a while, you may have noticed that this blog has been pretty dead for the past few months. Like, literally no new posts have gone up from me since results day. Yikes. Where have I been, and what’s been going on? That’s what I’m here to clear up. Because I have a lot to talk about.

I am going to be touching on three main topics: Life at York, my course and how I’ve been studying, and- finally- my mental wellbeing.

So, grab a hot drink, get cosy, and prepare for what is possibly the longest piece of writing I’ve ever produced in my life. Seriously. It’s huge.

**Disclaimer: In no way is this post supposed to reflect the ‘real’ life of the average student at York, nor am I making any comment on the quality of education or student life at York. I am aware that I’m extremely lucky to be a student on one of the best Chemistry courses in the country, and this post is simply detailing how I found the transition from living at home to living independently as a university student. York- I love you. Even if you weren’t my first choice, I am so glad I ended up here. I’ve met some wonderful people and learned so many incredible things just in this first term alone. Please don’t take this post as me hating on York or something, because I really, really don’t lmao**

Life in York

Let’s kick things off by talking about what it’s like to live in York!

Contrary to what I initially assumed about moving to a university in the middle of the countryside (i.e. that there would be nothing to do), York is a beautiful city, and I’m so excited to get better acquainted with it over the next three years.

The high streets here are jam-packed full of hidden gems- I seriously think that you could go to a different coffee shop every day for a year, there are so many of them dotted around. I’ve loved being able to wander around and see where my feet take me, and there’s always somewhere new to discover; bookshops, cafés, museums, the castle walls, art exhibits, concerts… Oh, my!

Some of my favourite places that I’ve discovered so far are:

● Drift-In- my favourite little coffee shop! It’s never too busy if you go before midday, making it the ideal place to crack out some work in a more relaxed studying environment. They also offer a 10% student discount, and have a wall of polaroids of the dogs who have visited the café. Incredible.

● Lucky Days- the perfect place to take your friends for lunch! They also do really good cakes if you ever feel like treating yourself after submitting an assignment.

● The Little Apple Bookshop- There are lots of cute little indie bookshops on the road leading to the art gallery, but I think that this one is my personal favourite. Stock changes frequently, so it’s worth popping in every once in a while, and they have classic novels at much lower prices than the likes of Waterstones (for all of you English Lit students out there!)

As for the University Campus, it’s similarly wonderful. The River runs right through Campus West, making itself home to lots of ducks, geese, and other waterfowl. We also have wild bunnies outside the Biology greenhouses, and I always see them hopping around in the dark when I walk home from my French classes. Campus West isn’t too big- you can walk from one side to the other in about 15 minutes- so the student community is super tight-knit. I have friends from loads of different colleges who I’ve met through mixers, societies, and my classes, and it’s really easy for us to link up and do stuff together because we’re all so near to each other.

There are also some pretty cool places on campus, if you don’t feel like leaving to go to the city centre- the Sir Jack Lyons Concert Hall are always putting on lunchtime concerts with cheap tickets for students, which is a nice way to wind down after working all day AND show support for the music students, and there’s also a student-ran supermarket in Wentworth College called Scoop, where you can bring your own containers and buy spices/grains/pasta in bulk for much cheaper than you can in other similar supermarkets. Scoop also sell boxes of locally-sourced produce, making it easy to support small businesses on a budget!

Honestly, there are still lots of places on campus that I’m yet to visit. Whenever I get fed up of working, I like to go for a little 30-minute walk to the other side of the university grounds and see what I can find (there’s a really lovely garden behind Derwent College, it has a big stately manor house and lots of fancy greenery). It’s a nice way to get some fresh air and change up the scenery when I get stir-crazy from being in my room for so long.

My Course/Studying

As many, many people have told me in the past- university-level Chemistry is hard. And you know what? They were right. However, I like a challenge as much as the next overachiever, and as a self-confessed science nerd I’ve got to say… My course is a dream.

I know I’m only one term into my first year, but the way I look at basically everything around me has already changed so much. The fundamental knowledge you gain just from first module covers all of the main bases, and I’ve found that the way I think about and approach scientific problems is already very different to the way I would have looked at them during my A-Levels. You’re encouraged to think a lot more openly, and apply relatively basic concepts to solve really tricky problems instead of just learning the answers to a syllabus- it’s a great chance to utilise your all of your skills.

In terms of how I’ve been studying, not a lot has changed. My exams don’t carry any real credit this year, but I’m still aiming to achieve high grades. Over the Christmas break, I’ve been focusing a lot more on resting rather than working- so I whilst I haven’t done a LOT, the revision I’ve done has been productive. I still use flashcards and Quizlet, but I’ve recently introduced summary posters onto the scene as well, which has been working well for me. I’ll make a post on how I make these in the near future!

Overall, the first term has been pretty good academically. I feel stretched and challenged, and things are at a manageable level of difficulty. Which brings me onto something that has not been at a manageable level of difficulty this term…

My Wellbeing

Mental health. Something of a taboo topic within the study community. It’s something we all will deal with, and something most of us will struggle with to some degree at times. So, why don’t we talk about it more?

I won’t go into super deep, personal detail in this next section. Mostly because there are some things I’m not comfortable with sharing on the internet. However, I do think it’s important for me to use my small platform of followers to talk about my own experiences and attempt to tackle the stigma about being a student and struggling with mental health, so I am going to be as honest as I can about what’s been going on.

Before coming to university, I was already having a difficult time with my mental health, and had been for a few years. This summer was a particularly bad one for me. A-Levels left me completely exhausted, results day was a bit of a sticky one, and thinking about life as I knew it coming to an end was terrifying. I knew that, once I moved to uni, I was going to feel even sadder, lonelier, and more out-of-place than I already did. And I had no idea how to deal with it.

I believe that one of the biggest contributing factors to my sudden and sharp decline in mental wellness after arriving in York was the fact that, even two months later, I still hadn’t gotten over my Durham rejection. Ignoring my initial disappointment was a bad idea, though I didn’t know it at the time.

As someone who has been a high achiever their entire life, rejection and failure aren’t things I’m used to dealing with at all. Not on this scale, at least. Academics was the one thing I could always rely on, the one thing underpinning all of my successes. The one thing within which I had manifested almost my entire personality. Before, I was always Bella, the smart one. Bella, top of the class. Bella, the straight-A student; set to do great things; capable of going anywhere… But, now, here I was. Bella, just got rejected by her dream university.

Trying to settle into student life with a completely secure sense of self is hard enough- trying to settle in whilst struggling to cope with all of these new, conflicting feelings? It was so, so difficult. WAY more than I would ever admit to in real life. Stupid me was too proud to admit that I was upset to ‘only be going to my second choice’ so I told friends, family, and everyone else that I was perfectly happy to be going to York instead of Durham, and that I wasn’t sad about it at all.

(I want to clarify that I am in NO way trying to diminish the hard work and achievements of anybody who got into their second choice university, or anybody else who got into York. Only now have I realised that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and if anything you should be proud that your efforts got you into whichever school you ended up in. I’m just sharing with you all how much I struggled to accept this rejection, and how it affected my mental health).

I knew people who had gotten in, and I saw them posting on Instagram about matriculation and other social events at the university. This completely broke my heart. I was happy for my friends who were studying there- they worked hard and more than deserved to be there… but I couldn’t help but feel jealous. I wanted to be there with them. The place that I had worked so incredibly hard to receive an offer for.

Although it’s embarrassing to admit, I did actually cry a bit after seeing these posts. I didn’t know how to process my feelings, because for those first few weeks after rejection I absolutely refused to let myself mope (looking back, I’ve got no idea why I did that. Wtf Bella?). I was determined to be strong about it and try to force myself to be happy with the situation I found myself in- despite the fact that, deep down, I knew it wasn’t where I wanted to be. Not at first, anyway. Pair the bittersweet pain of first-time rejection with my consistent struggle with self-esteem and low moods… Things got ugly fast.

If I had to put a finger on when I started to feel things getting really bad, I’d trace back to somewhere near the first month mark. Freshers week, whilst it felt awkward and drawn-out, wasn’t too bad in terms of my mental wellbeing. I think I was so caught up in trying to adjust to this crazy, new life I had that I didn’t have a lot of time to stop and wonder how I was feeling. Those of you who also struggle with mental health issues will know that they never really go away. They always at least linger in the background, if they aren’t in the forefront of your mind. So I suppose you could say that I felt my strange, healthy-but-unhealthy version of ‘normal’.

I hadn’t yet adapted to life as a York student, but that wasn’t much of a concern at this point. It takes a long time to adjust to change, and I had only been there for a few days. I thought I just needed to wait it out. But, after the first few weeks passed by, I started to notice something weird.

I still didn’t feel settled in. In fact, I didn’t feel like I was there at all. Nothing felt ‘real’. After years of dreaming and wondering what life would be like at university, I suddenly found that the situation I was in wasn’t what I expected it to be at all. I didn’t ‘feel’ like a university student here, even months into this first term. Or, rather, I didn’t feel what I had decided that being a university student ought to feel like.

For my whole life, I’ve attached so much of my identity to my intelligence and educational aspirations. To reach the highest stage of my academic career thus far- the place I’ve been working to get to my whole life- and find out that it was possible that this wasn’t where I wanted to be caused me to completely lose my sense of identity.

The conflict between feeling ‘too good’ for here, but simultaneously viewing my rejection as me ‘not being good enough’ for Durham left me drifting somewhere in the middle with all aspects of my life. University was a big deal for me, and had been for as long as I could remember. I attached so much of who I was to my work, and ergo the university I was going to go to. Having failed to prove to myself that I was who people had been telling me I was for years, I didn’t have scraps of personality left to hold onto.

I felt as though I didn’t belong here, but also that if that were true I didn’t really know where I did belong. I knew that I was smart, and that I was capable of achieving the A-Level grades that I needed to meet my offer requirements for my first choice. Things just didn’t go to plan in my Maths exams. But, at the same time, whenever I struggled with the work here in York, I would say to myself: ‘Oh, look. You can’t even manage the work they give you here. How did you ever think you were good enough for Durham?’

As you can imagine, this made my mental health quite difficult to manage properly. My inability to cope with rejection, trying to live independently for the first time, facing a whole new series of academic challenges, and missing my friends/family ALL took its toll on me in more ways than I care to say. But, stubborn old me tried to make the best of an unexpected, difficult situation. I decided that I wasn’t going to be ungrateful.

I had been accepted into one of the best schools for my subject in the country. I was going to try and make the most of life here, even if it wasn’t what I had wanted in the beginning, and even if it was proving to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. I wish I could say I was able to move past the sadness I felt because of my rejection and because of all of the other things going on in my life (my already poor mental health, trying to live independently…), but that just wasn’t the case.

To keep it short and sweet, student life was kicking my arse.

The dip in my mental health began to affect my ability to work and take care of myself. I was struggling with this sudden and total lack of motivation to keep up with just about everything.

Independent study was completely forgotten about. I skipped countless music rehearsals, and rarely spent time with my flatmates and friends. I didn’t cook properly- I relied on foods that took less than five minutes to cook or didn’t eat at all. I didn’t put as much effort into looking after myself and looking presentable as usual; I usually love dressing nicely, carrying out elaborate skincare and makeup routines- but all of that immediately went out of the window. I rarely left my room, and I would stay essentially completely by myself for days at a time.

There was no part of my life that didn’t take a blow as a result of my poor wellbeing. It was like I’d given up and decided I would just settle for the bare minimum and float aimlessly until the winter break arrived. I didn’t care anymore. Not about appearance, not about my work, and not about me.

Now is probably the time to mention that I didn’t actually tell anyone that this was going on, spare one of my closest friends who I knew for sure wouldn’t judge me. To this day, most people still have no idea that I was having such a bad time, and that I’m still feeling the residual negative emotions from the last few weeks of term. There are a lot of reasons why I didn’t talk to anyone about it, but the main two were that I’m a very private person, and that my family isn't always the most understanding when it comes to helping each other deal with mental health issues. I desperately wanted other people to know what I was going through, but the thought of coming out and telling them straight-up petrified me. I knew I couldn’t do it. So, I chose to hide all of it under the façade of being exhausted from my busy timetable. Or whatever excuse was most convenient at the time for whoever asked me what was wrong.

Another reason I didn’t tell anybody about what was going on kind of plays into the problems I’d been wrestling with before coming to uni (they’ve been an issue for much longer than just this summer, just to point out). I won’t talk about them in detail, because I’m not ready to discuss a lot of what I went through and what I’m still going through, but I’ll say that part of it is that I have a pretty crippling fear of being judged by other people. For my physical appearance, for my academic achievements, for my personal opinions and preferences- for everything. Everything. I don’t really talk about myself to anybody, so even just writing this post feels a bit odd. As you can imagine, admitting I’d been having a terrible time with my mental health to my close friends and family was out of the question.

I had basically reached my lowest point ever. I felt lonely, isolated, and completely lost. I wasn’t living the life people were expecting me to, and I wasn’t

Maybe this seems silly to some of you out there reading this who are dealing with a much bigger and more painful situations than my own. I recognise that there are much worse things I could be going through. And no, of course not every day of the past term was awful. I’m not trying to say that being rejected from my dream university caused this- rather that it fed into what was already a significantly complex problem. But, for someone like myself who pinned all of their self-worth on their educational goals and achievements- for someone who had never really ‘failed’ at something like this before- I was pretty fucking crushed. Enough to make me lose track of basic things I’d never usually had a problem managing before.

My problems had engulfed my life. I was miserable and couldn’t stand it. I was fed up of sticking it out alone. Desperate to let someone else take the burden for a little while, I finally, finally decided it might be worth considering getting some help.

I made an appointment to go and visit the University mental health services, and they signposted me to the local NHS mental health services. The waiting list for an assessment was surprisingly short- it only took me 2-3 weeks to get an appointment where I could receive an initial diagnosis and learn what treatments were available.

It was at this point I found out that I had an anxiety disorder.

This wasn’t particularly shocking news- I struggled with social anxiety as a young teenager- but it made me quite emotional to finally hear someone tell me that what I was feeling WAS part of a bigger problem. It wasn’t just me blowing things out of proportion.

So, that brings us to where I am now. Currently on the waiting list for group therapy. I haven’t really decided if its something I want to talk about on this blog yet, but I feel like even just sharing with other students that I took the step to go and seek help from my uni will hopefully encourage more people who are struggling to do so as well. Most universities have decent mental health services, or at least someone who can point you in the direction of the appropriate resources to help you, so it’s definitely worth looking into in my opinion.

But, right now, I’m feeling okay. This term has been challenging for me and my emotional wellbeing, but the knowledge that I ploughed through and (for the first time in my life) asked for help when I knew I needed it makes me feel proud of myself. A month away from halls has definitely helped me, and I’m actually looking forward to going back with a new, rejuvenated perspective on student life- which leads me onto the final section of this long, waffly post...

What have I learned? How am I trying to make changes? What are my plans for the future?

Well, aside from developing my Chemical knowledge through some pretty fantastic lecture courses and practical sessions, I’ve discovered a lot about myself this term. For example- I’ve realised that I place too much of my personal value on academic achievement and the prestige of the institutions I’m a member of. I should learn to accept that I am so much more than my grades, and that it doesn’t matter where I go to school. Sure, it would have been nice to enjoy all of the things life in Durham has to offer, but does it really matter when I’m living in a beautiful city, studying the subject I love with people who are just as excited about it as I am, and watching myself change and blossom into a completely new person? Not at all.

The most important thing, and the most difficult, was to admit and accept that I wasn’t having a good time here. And that it was okay to feel like this. I could lie to everyone around me about it and say that I was happy, but I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. In fact, it took being honest with myself for me to actually start to feel a little bit happier about where I was- literally AND mentally.

I suppose this begs the following question: would I consider transferring? Surely, after all of the emotional chaos I went through trying to get over what felt like the biggest setback of my life so far, I would take the ‘easy way out’ and re-sit my Maths papers so that I could re-apply to Durham and live the life I was convinced I needed to be living?

Honestly… No. Partially because the heartbreak of being rejected was kind of enough to put me off potentially going through it again by re-applying, but also because I feel like this is an important life experience for me to have.

I need to learn healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with rejection and being in situations I didn’t initially want to be in. Obviously, there are lines and limits with this kind of thing, and it differs from person to person and situation to situation, but I’m in a good place for me, I think. It isn’t perfect, but it isn’t meant to be. And I know that if I work hard to make the most of everything my life has to offer me, I’ll reach a point where the struggles I’m dealing with now will be but a distant memory.

...

So, that’s all I want to mention for now! I hope this explains why I’ve been so absent from this blog. Being productive was something I really struggled to do this term, so I didn’t have much going on that I could really post about. However, I’m looking forward to showing more of what my life as a Chemistry student at York looks like when I move back up for term two.

Talking about this has really helped me to reflect on my experiences and gain a little bit of closure from what was a pretty wild and confusing 11 weeks. I might post more content like this in the future, because I think it’s important to show other students that they aren’t alone and more people are dealing with things like this than they realise, but I won’t make any promises just yet.

I hope you are all having a lovely winter break, wherever you are, and I hope you are all looking forward to the next term of school, college, university, or even just the New Year by itself!

See you soon.

Bella <3

#studyblr #mental health #student mental health #anxiety #coping with anxiety

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bubblepop-32 · 5 years ago

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If Bruce was De-aged and the only one who could make him stop screaming is Jason. (Part 2)

Bruce gets de-aged, but his memories aren’t as young (but not as old) as what they’re supposed to be. And he desperately needs Jason.

I wanted to read de-aged Bruce with our man Jay but I literally can’t find any ;A; So I sacrificed sleep and wrote this.

There’s going to be good ol’ fluff and bonding between Jason and small Bruce, but there’s also going to be angst and suffering, and more angst. And swearing (mostly from Jay)

Here’s >> Part 1 << (Visit me before u keep on going cos I was born first! D:<)

~~~

Jason rolled up at the looming front gates of the manor, feeling somewhat chilled after taking blasts of high winds as he sped through Gotham’s bare streets. Even with his thick gloves and high-grade clothes that are designed to keep the wind out, mother nature always has ways to intervene. The gates opened, opening their long metal arms to welcome him in.

He rode his bike up to the front door, where he hopped off and had a moment to think about what he was getting himself into. Do I really need to do this? He considers the events that could happen after Bruce returns to normal. He’ll probably banish Jason from ever setting foot in Gotham ever again, probably for seeing him in such a vulnerable state. He'll probably still hate him, even more so since Jason would be the reminder of both his failure and his recent embarrassment.

Ha. Why was he even here when everyone could’ve waited for Zatanna to do her magic and everything would be back to normal again. Zatanna could probably solve everything with her backward spells and her sheer black pantyhose and the black top hat.

So when the large, heavy grand doors opened to reveal Zatanna and Dick on the other side, he did a double take, which gave Dick the chance to speak first.

“I’ve heard that Prince Charmings always arrive fashionably late to parties… and well, I’m glad you’re here.” Dick flashes a small, tired smile that didn’t really stretch as far as his usual signature smiles.

“If this is a party, then this is the lamest one I’ve been at through my entire lives.” Jason fires back mirthlessly. He watches with spiteful satisfaction as Dick’s eyes widened the slightest bit as he processed what Jason said.

Jason’s eyes slid from Dick’s blue eyes to the ugly scab that was forming on his chin. Maybe it hurts for him to smile with the cut. He’s trying really hard to believe that it’s the cut rather than anything else.

Dick noticed the subtle change in eye contact but doesn’t choose to say anything more. He doesn’t want to scare Jason off before Bruce has a chance of letting Zatanna work her magic.

Jason lifts an eyebrow at Dick, clearly wanting answers. The quick glance Jason shot at Zatanna behind him proved to him that Jason was hoping for the same thing he was when he called her in.

“Zatanna’s magic isn’t working.” Dick supplies.

Jason’s entire frame heaved heavily for a moment as he took in a slow breath and exhaled deeply.

“Well…shit.” Jason murmurs. He was hoping that all this was fixed and he that wouldn’t need to hear such agonising screams ever again. He was hoping for a lot of things but none of them was coming true. I should better start hoping that this is dragged out for the longest time possible so that doesn’t come true either.

“I’ll explain the rest inside.” Dick steps to the side, allowing Jason a clear passageway into the house, but he doesn’t miss the reluctance in Jason’s stride as they made their way to the kitchen.

So far so good. Even better than what Dick thought it would turn out. He had imagined that he would have to go knocking on every one of Jason’s safehouses in Gotham, then try and drag him to the mansion.

Jason noticed something was odd the instant he stepped in, though soon realised that it was because Alfred wasn’t the one who opened the door to let him in. Even now, Alfred who was most definitely most attentive to offering ‘guests’ tea was not here to do so either. (Jason knows he’s not a regular, not anymore.)

Dick, now somewhat upholding Alfred’s spot as the butler, asked, “Do you want tea?”

“I want tea, but not yours. Alf’s going to murder you in your sleep if you touch his fine chinas.” Jason stepped between Dick and the glass display case, retrieving three cups with foreign gentleness.

“Damn, you just got rejected.” Zatanna mused as she moved to watch Jason handle tea leaves with care. But Dick seemed almost happy that Jason started brewing tea. Alfred seemed to have taught Jason a whole lot more things than either Dick or Bruce knew about because his muffins were second to the ones Alfred made. But that was all back then.

Soon enough, they were all gathered around the counter each with a cup of tea in hand. Silence enveloped as Jason took a sip, his gaze somewhat distant as he did. Dick took advantage of this moment to gather his thoughts, and how he was going to present everything to Jason.

He knows he has to ease the facts in as gently as possible. A shocked Jason can soon become a frustrated Jason, who will soon turn into an angry Jason. But Jason beat him to it.

“So, tell me that Bruce isn’t de-aged into some fucking ten year old and that phone call I got wasn’t real.” Jason eyed Dick, daring him to say ‘yes all this was just to prank your gullible ass.’

Dick sighed, blowing steam away from his tea. “Bruce is ten. He still is, and still will be unless we figure something out.”

“And, Jason, if what I think about this little situation with Bruce is correct, then you will play a huge role. Just to let you know, it’s not my magic that isn’t working,” at this, she sends Dick a look. “Bruce himself is the one who’s unconsciously refusing to let me to temporarily lock away his memories. Most of the memories anyway. I’ve sealed away what I can.”

“Wait, so you haven’t tried changing him back yet?” Jason growled, somewhat annoyed.

“I was getting to that. You see, space-time continuum must have been broken for Bruce to be ten years younger. In fact, I don’t think this is as simple as ‘de-aging.’ I’ve tapped into his energy signature and it’s slightly different from Bruce’s usual one.” Zatanna says, now clearly shedding new light onto the case since Dick’s face became even more contorted into confusion.

Jason gathered that this was the first time Dick was hearing this too. “You’re saying that time travel is involved in this shit and this Bruce is really him from long ago.”

“Yes, but the thing is, energy signatures remain the same no matter what age,” Zatanna adds as she tucks a dark lock of hair behind her ear. Dick’s face went a little paler and his dark eye bags seemed to have become even bigger. “Some exchange must’ve happened between this universe and another universe. Messing around the space-time continuum is a messy thing, and I’m guessing the memory mix-up is a result of it being ripped.”

Jason concentrated on the aroma of freshly brewed tea rather than on the shock that was about to be hitting him right about…now.

“That sounds like a…rather complicated deduction.” Was what managed to come out of Dick before he laced his fingers and pressed them to his lips.

“And that’s why I haven’t tried re-aging Bruce. The only thing I can do for him at the moment would be to lock away some of his memories, otherwise, he would practically break,” Zatanna concluded. “Whenever I tried to speak with him, he began screaming. He was screaming your name, Jason.”

Jason looked back at the reflection of him that rippled in the tea. “Still doesn’t explain why I’m here.” He murmured.

This time, Dick was the one who answered. “You’re the one who’ll be able to calm him down. I’ve tried, Zatanna’s tried, even Alfred’s tried.” He eyed Jason with his fervent blue eyes hooded behind his long, dark eyelashes. Jason’s eyes never left his tea. “But he keeps calling for you.”

A loud, pensive silence overtook them. The magician added something more in a smaller voice. “…I believe that there is a high possibility that this little Bruce, still has his parents back in his world.” That would be like rubbing salt into a bleeding wound, no doubt making all the memories that flooded into Bruce mind that much harsher and crueller.

That was another shock to Jason because if Bruce never lost his parents, Batman would never have come to be…and Jason would never have to be who he is. He might’ve been able to go to Uni, get a degree and not needing to cringe every time he sees a crowbar or bury bullets into heads.

He imagines standing in front of a mirror, seeing himself but standing straight, his shoulders light without burden. He imagines staring into calm blue eyes, like the ones he once had, and black hair brushing at just the tips of his lashes. No white. However, the image was nothing more than a mirage; a soft haze that would linger at the very back of his mind but never leave or step into the light.

If there was ever an even bigger shock, Jason felt betrayed by his own emotions. He fucking feel peeved about how he wasn’t angry about the fact that he was called here for reasons that are only based on theories or for Bruce.

Alfred’s paced footsteps arrived at the boundary between the kitchen and the hallway. “Master Jason, it is wonderful to see you here. I am glad to see that the chinaware has remained, for the moment, intact.”

Maybe the one thing he would miss if Bruce never became Batman would be Alfred. So something in his heart twinged when Jason saw Alfred standing by the doorway with the most forlornly expressed face Jason has ever seen him show. Jason feels the ache in his chest worsen as Alfred walks closer, allowing Jason to really pick up the subtle changes in the way his body glided across the open space. Alfred’s frame was slightly bent over, his back not as straight and his nose held just a little bit lower. As long as ‘Batman’ exists, Alfred’s ongoing exposure to all the suffering and the shit that goes on will never cease. Jason feels the anger inside of him being boiling once more – but he felt immediately because Jason was one extra thing Alfred had to deal with.

Jason loves the guy and he hates the things he’s done to the butler, taking years off his life for worrying over him when he didn’t need to. He’s done nothing to deserve his care.

“How’s Bruce?” Dick lifts his head and asks. The weariness they both shared seemed to have established a mutual sense of understanding. Dick knows that Alfred has personally stepped up to take the responsibility of taking care of Bruce – like he always has. Alfred understands that Dick feels useless about not being able to do anything, but he also understands that Dick understands that he’s doing what he can as best as he can.

“He has worn himself out to the point of exhaustion. I must say that it is for the best right now. I’ve removed all things that a young boy like him can break and throw. It was quite the feat to stop him from breaking multiple bones in his body.” Alfred’s expression melted into collected despondence. No one knows how he can pull off such conflicting emotions with calm professionalism. But then, people learn from experiences and this wasn’t the first time Alfred has seen something like this.

Dick could only imagine what Alfred had to struggle with when Dick rushed into the bat cave carrying a glassy-eyed Bruce who was swimming in the swaddles of his Batman costume. Dick thought that it was just shock and a terrible concussion.

He first called Damian down to the cave. Damian had a grey hoodie on with tight black jeans, with his growing fringe bobby-pinned back. That kid has been too busy acing school to get a haircut, much to Alfred’s constant reminders. Damian sarcastically commented on how delinquent-like DIck looked with the newly healing cut to the chin.

Dick briefed him over what had happened (though, leaving out how everything about how reckless he got). A villain wannabe, real name Jeremy Fritzleburg, or less commonly known as “the InventorDoc,” (Damian snorted at the name), de-aged Bruce (to which Damian snorted at again before an ear-shattering scream rang from somewhere within the cave – that was when they both knew something was wrong).

Dick told Damian to go check on Bruce whilst he called Tim and told him to come in as soon as he can. He wanted to get the broken pieces of whatever the InventorDoc invented to be analysed and hopefully understood so that they’ll be able to do something.

After more than ten minutes of pacing around, biting his thumb, he thought that calling in Zatanna would be a good option. His thoughts were confirmed when Damian came running back to him, eyes wide and undoubtedly shaken, but refused to admit what had shaken him so bad. He immediately dialled the famed magician, telling her the important point to convey the severity of the situation.

On the way to Bruce, Damian lagged slightly behind Dick.

“What’s wrong Dami?” Dick had asked but didn’t get a reply. It was only until Dick was nearing the place that Damian grabbed Dick’s arm.

“He doesn’t remember me.” Damian had whispered.

Dick paused abruptly, heart suddenly shuddering in his chest. “Go back up and wait for Timmy and Zatanna, yeah? I’ll…I’ll talk to him.”

Damian held on for a bit longer before letting go. He glanced up at Dick, “Father is barely able to talk in his state,” and then swiftly left.

Dick continued walking and swallowed thickly as he drew ever nearer. Soon, he was face to face with a small, fragile-looking Bruce writhing on the ground with blood trailing from his bloody hand and smearing onto the floor for he had dug his nails into his palms. Bruce’s skin was sheen with cold sweat. His small body trembled as he took in shallow, rattling breaths, but found that he lacked the ability to stand back up.

Dick rushed to help as Alfred must have disappeared to brew hot chocolate. Alfred would never leave Bruce alone like this, nor would Damian. Memories must’ve had rushed in sometime between Damian leaving and Dick arriving. Except Dick didn’t know that memories were what was putting Bruce through such an ordeal.

When Dick’s hand touched Bruce’s small shoulder blades, the child flinched and fell sidewards. Dick saw a face that resembled Bruces’s, but rounder, softer, younger but contorted by distress and fear. Bruce’s blue eyes were wide, his pupils dilated. Dick thought that it may actually be a new kind of toxin that could take the form of a ray. He doesn't know what he’s thinking anymore! Bruce was in a bad shape, and Damian was right. There was no way Dick could get through to the Bruce that was shaking in front of him. There was absolutely no flicker of recognition in Bruce’s eyes. To him, Dick was a stranger.

Dick had drawn his hand back, feeling unexpectedly hurt by Bruce’s reaction. He couldn’t really help that, despite telling him that it was unjustified to feel hurt when he shouldn’t be.

“Master Dick?” Alfred had called as he appeared with bandages.

At that, Bruce’s eyes intently bore into Dick’s face, cataloguing every detail, every bump and wrinkle. His wide eyes paused at the cut on his chin before shakily meeting Dick’s gaze.

“Dick?” The voice was small, shaken and weak, like a candle flame diminishing by the second. But a small flame of recognition was there.

“Y-Yeah that’s me, B.” Dick reached out to touch Bruce, but he still recoiled from his hand. Recognising Dick must’ve triggered something else in Bruce, because he clutched tightly at his own head and curled in on himself, letting out a pained groan.

Dick was torn between putting his hands on Bruce’s small back and not touching him at all, but chose to close it into a fist instead. “Tim will be here soon, ok? Hang in there.”

After several strenuous breaths of air, Bruce replied with something that froze Dick to the spot.

“W…who’s Tim? W-where’s…” Bruce’s eyebrows furrowed, creating crinkles in his youthful skin as he began recalling the one name that he wanted to say. “…Where’s Jason?”

“He’s not here.” Dick rushed back with a reply. Maybe Bruce just didn’t see Damian’s face properly. Dick thought that Bruce must have temporary amnesia due to the sudden changes done to his body. “But Tim, he’s your son. Lives on coffee, and Damian, he’s your current robin-”

Bruce seemed especially insistent about Jason, rather than about Tim or about Damian. “…not here?” This time his voice was slightly clearer but still as disjointed.

Cogs were turning in 10-year-old Bruce’s head as the memories started gushing in, turning so fast that they were burning. Pieces upon pieces of his memory rained down and he was drowning.

“Where’s Jason?!” Bruce was pleading now, eyes blown wide once again. He tried pushing himself up to search the cave with his sporadic gaze that was glowing with a feverish need to know where Jason was. Bruce’s breathing became hard and fast, which was quickly going to spiral into hyperventilation.

“Master Dick, it is not an apt time for you to be here.” Alfred shooed Dick gently out of the way so that he could as quickly and softly unfurl Bruce’s hand to bandage. “Master Bruce, you must control your breathing.”

Dick stumbled to stand up and back away. This…This wasn’t right. Something’s off. At that moment, the fear of not knowing what was affecting Bruce overtook him. He had to fix this. Otherwise, Bruce would never be the same and he wasn’t prepared for that.

Dick squeezed the mug of warm tea in his hands. Right now isn’t the time to think back. They need to think forward; think of ways to fix all this and make sure Bruce is going to be ok.

Jason placed down his empty cup of tea. It was still warm to the touch.

“Where is he right now?” Jason murmured dourly. Dick looked at Jason with a newfound sense of hope, despite how little it was.

I was going to end this a bit earlier, but I had to get Dick’s flashback in before I ended it.

I have a headcanon (something where one as an individual, you think/want to be canon) that Jason’s eyes used to be blue, but turned aquary-green after he got tossed into the pit (despite the fact that he’s shown to have aquary eyes before he died - I sorta like the ‘change’ he undergoes pre to post-resurrection).

Maybe I’ll post the next part sometime :) been hella stressed cos of tests and due dates for my major work ,><,

Take care, fellow readers~

Next part: >> Part 3 <<

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hookedontaronfics · 5 years ago

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Aber Girl series - Friday

Title: Aber Girl - Friday Part 1 of 3 Rating: T Pairing: Taron x OC Warnings: Cursing and alcohol use A/N: Could one weekend really change a heart? A Triple Shot [3-part] series. Plenty of cute fluffy Taron to come in Parts 2 and 3. I hope you enjoy! x

“Morgan!” I jumped at the sound of my name being yelled across the bookstore, nearly dropping the book I had in my hand. I quickly put it on the shelf where it belonged before clambering down the stepladder I’d been standing on.

“Yeah, what do you need?” I asked a bit tersely as I crossed the shop floor, picking up a couple books customers had abandoned. Really, why couldn’t my boss walk across the store and speak to me in a normal voice? It irritated me to no end.

“Oh, there you are,” she said, looking a bit frazzled behind the boxes she was unloading. Fridays were our normal shipment days, and we’d been bombarded with merchandise for the holidays, which were fast approaching.

“I was just in the poetry department, you know, getting lit,” I replied. Okay, maybe I should have been slightly less sarcastic to my boss, but she didn’t even seem to notice or appreciate my amazingly witty pun. I made a mental note to Tweet that out later.

“When you’re done with that, I could really use your help upstairs in secondhand,” she said, brushing her hair out of her face. “And don’t forget I’m leaving early, so you’ll be closing up shop by yourself tonight.”

“Yeah, no skin off my elbow,” I said cheekily. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t done before. I returned to my work, shelving, organizing and straightening books, trying to make the store look as welcoming and shoppable as possible. Despite the busy-work nature of the job, I actually did enjoy being surrounded by books all day. I helped the few customers that filtered in, mostly college kids and families, find what they were looking for, and once my boss left I had the place to myself.

The last two hours of my shift dragged on a bit, and I ended up spending some time just surfing the internet, daydreaming about moving to Cardiff. Or London. Or even further away. Don’t get me wrong, growing up in Aberystwyth had its perks. Sure, the town was small, but it was also pretty. We had the mountains to our north and the coast right in front of us. You could take the Cliff Railway all the way up the hillside and it gave the best views of the area. I’d spent many a summer evening there with my mates and a 6-pack. I loved the place, but I saw very little opportunity here. Even after I’d enrolled in classes at the uni and earned my degree, I felt stuck in a way that made me feel sick to my stomach. Working at Ystywth Books for the rest of my life wasn’t the plan I had in mind.

About 10 minutes before close, I was finishing my duties since no one else was in the store when the bell above the door dinged. A blast of cold air blew in, making me instantly shiver despite the sweater I was wearing over my jumper and winter tights. I only saw the back of the person who walked in, as they disappeared around a bookshelf corner quickly. “I’m closing in a few minutes!” I hollered out, hoping they wouldn’t be obnoxious about it. I’d already had plans to meet up with some mates at the pub just after my shift.

“I’ll only be a minute,” the voice called back, cheerily enough. Hmmm, mostly British, slightly Welsh. Likely someone who used to live here and was visiting, I thought to myself. We had a lot of international students at the university, so I always tried to make it a game of guessing their nationality based on their accent.

I grabbed a stack of books off the counter to reshelve, since I now had to occupy my time for a couple more minutes, popping into different sections and moving about the store with ease. I could have probably walked this floor blindfolded, and in an admittedly stupid effort to prove it to myself, I closed my eyes and swung around a corner, running smack into the customer, who shouted “Hey!” and then “Are you alright?” after I’d tripped and then tumbled unceremoniously to the ground, my books flying every which way.

“Yeah,” I grunted, wincing slightly as there was a sharp pain in my arm. “Shit,” I breathed out, gripping my arm to my chest and only noticing the customer’s nice shoes and tight jeans. To my credit, I was in a lot of pain.

“That… doesn’t look like okay,” he said, crouching down to eye level with me. I nearly laughed as I wondered how he hadn’t split his pants just now, but then I had to squeeze my eyes shut as a groan of pain escaped my lungs. My arm was already throbbing, and I was trying to ignore the tears that had sprung into the corners of my eyes.

“Fuck, you’re hurt. I’ll call the medics,” he said, pulling out his phone to do so.

“I can’t bloody afford that,” I cursed, finally looking up at him and sucking in my breath sharply. My customer was none other than Taron Egerton, the so-called town “hero.” I was a couple of years younger, but my brother had been in Taron’s class and all I’d heard my whole entire life was how amazing he was, how he was “going places.” He’d managed to get out of Aber and build a successful career for himself and left the rest of us behind, and it annoyed me to no end that everyone constantly fell all over themselves for him. He was decent-looking enough, but I’d seen better. Not only that, he hadn’t made a name for himself in Aber, or for that matter stayed here and tried to help anyone else. How honestly special could you be if you’d fled to the big city and not ever looked back?

“I’ve still got two legs that work. I’ll just walk,” I said pragmatically, dropping my eyes back to his shoelaces in case he got the wrong idea.

“Are you kidding me? You’re clearly hurt, it’s feezing and snowing out, and I can’t in good conscience let you do that,” he replied, a bit self-righteously if you ask me. What was he trying to do, be my hero? As if it wasn’t good enough to be the town’s? I didn’t need one, thank you very much, and if he hadn’t walked in 10 minutes before close this whole situation probably wouldn’t even be happening. I was hurting, annoyed and still needing to close the store.

“Fine then, call me a cab,” I said, awkwardly pushing myself up to my feet with my good hand and steadying myself against the bookshelf, ignoring the hand he offered to help. I tugged my sleeve up a bit and my eyes watered some more as I noticed the bruising already starting to show. I hastily wiped at my face and sniffed. I was not about the cry in front of this guy.

“I’ll drive you myself,” he replied, concern written all over his stupid face. I groaned inwardly at that, but I knew I couldn’t ignore my arm. I needed a doctor, and I didn’t have a car myself, usually just borrowing my parents’ when I needed to go somewhere long-distance.

“Fine, but you’ll have to wait a moment while I close the store,” I conceded, whatever he’d come in to get clearly forgotten. He annoyingly tailed me around the store, trying to help and mostly getting in my way. I counted out the drawer money as best I could, closed the accounting books, and made sure all the lights were off and the place secured.

I had to drape my winter coat around my shoulder, as my arm was too hurt to try and wrangle it into the sleeve, and after trying to one-handedly zip it up around myself, I finally acquiesced to Taron’s help, standing there awkwardly as he carefully zipped my coat up to my neck. I followed him out into the swirling night, locking the door behind me as snowflakes landed on my eyelashes and cheeks. It was a bitterly cold evening as we crunched across the parking lot to his car. At least it was still warm inside as I awkwardly fell into the seat. I didn’t bother with the seatbelt, as we weren’t actually going that far.

He drove me over to Bronglais General, being careful as the roads were already coated. I noted that he’d been listening to Bowie, and at least I could appreciate his musical taste. But that was only one point toward his favor in a long list against. He parked and we hustled inside, shaking the snow from our hair and clothes. I got checked in and had a small wait, so I took a seat in the lobby, and much to my chagrin, Taron sat down next to me.

“You don’t need to stay here with me. I’m sure you’ve better things to do,” I said, as I slowly tapped out a text to my friends that I was going to be a bit late to the pub.

“I remember you,” he said quietly, and I didn’t respond for a moment. If that was supposed to impress me, well, it really didn’t. “You’re Declan’s younger sister,” he pressed on. Dammit if he wasn’t persistent, but that still didn’t earn him any points.

“Yeah, it’s Morgan, and what you and your mates did to my brother, it’s not been forgotten, okay?” I replied angrily, not even sure where the sudden heat in my face had come from. “And I don’t need your help.”

He hung his head a bit, but I had zero sympathy. “That was a long time ago. And I’ve apologized to him, a lot,” he replied, his ears growing a bit red.

“You may have the whole world eating out of the palm of your hand, but I’m not one of them,” I said in a huff. Thankfully, my name was called just then. I stood up abruptly and turned to him. “Please don’t be here when I come back,” I added before stalking off after the nurse, ignoring the pained look on his face. Thinking about Taron as anyone other than the person who had helped bully my brother out of the theater would get me into nothing but a world of hurt.

The hospital staff was nothing but kind as they took my vitals, ushered me through X-rays and did their best to not keep me waiting unnecessarily. I had indeed broken my arm, although it was a clean break and I was relieved that I wouldn’t need surgery, as this visit alone was going to drain the meager savings I had in my bank account. Once my arm was bound in the cast and a sling, the nurse helped me back into my coat [believe me, this was an embarrassing thing] and I returned to the lobby.

I was half-worried Taron would still be waiting there, his puppy-dog eyes trying to draw sympathy from me, but the lobby was empty of his presence. That somehow didn’t actually make me feel any better, and I worried for a moment that I had been a complete arse to him when all he’d done was try to help me earlier, but I quickly shoved that feeling down deep.

I called myself a cab and waited impatiently, hopping from one foot to the next in an attempt to distract myself from both the dull ache in my arm and the pain in my chest that running into Taron had reawakened. It was possible, in that moment, that maybe I even hated him a little bit. A little sister shouldn’t have to be the one consoling her older brother or reminding him that there was more to the world than Penglais. My phone dinged to let me know my cab had arrived, and I rushed back out into the cold, ready to get to the pub and drown my sorrows with my friends and a hefty draught.

The snow had let up a bit, and I had to admit it was actually quite pretty out, the light cast from the streetlamps making the untouched snow glitter. I never said Aber didn’t have its moments. I paid my fare and hustled inside when the taxi pulled up outside Kanes, happily taking the seat my mates had saved for me. The table was already littered with half-gone appetizers, and I helped myself to them after ordering a beer.

“I see your klutz streak strikes again,” Andreyah teased me as I shed my coat. We’d known each other since we were both in nappies, and had lived on the same block most of our lives. In fact, Andreyah had gotten me through most of the scrapes - physical and otherwise - in my life, and there had been many. Everyone else at the table, Cliff, June, Rosie and Ace, had come into my life at various points and for various reasons, but we’d all ended up at uni together and were inseparable now.

“What even happened?” Rosie asked curiously.

“I haven’t had enough alcohol for this one yet,” I laughed, taking a long and impressive draft of my beer, Cliff whistling in admiration until I flipped him off.

“Always classy,” June grinned as I slammed my half-empty glass on the table, the beer sloshing against the sides.

I took a deep breath, gathered up the edges of my courage, and blurted out “I ran into Taron,” not even needing to say his last name for my mates to know exactly who I was talking about. Two of them sighed adoringly (much to my annoyance), three of them sounded indignant on my behalf. “Like, quite literally. He came into the store and I tripped over his stupid feet,” I explained, leaving out the part where I’d been doing something incredibly dumb in the process. “It’s been a shitty night so far.”

“I’d expect no less from him,” Ace said, nearly spitting out the last word. He had known my brother well too. In fact, most of the families in Aber knew each other or were at least friendly in passing.

“But I’m sure it was just an accident,” Rosie replied, being both more logical and also more sympathetic to Taron’s cause. We’d long ago agreed to disagree on that one.

“Oh of course, but he tried to help me by mostly getting in my way and even acted like it was a big deal that he remembered who I was,” I said, rolling my eyes and feeling the alcohol start to hit me, lowering my inhibitions. “What a serious wanker.”

My mates started to debate this, offering both their support of me [that’s true friendship, right there] or their insistence that Taron wasn’t as awful as I believed him to be. Eventually the conversation drifted to other topics, and we ate and drank more and I ended up having a great time. Nothing a little group therapy couldn’t fix, I thought. It helped take the edge off my emotions over the evening, but eventually I had to call it a night, as I had an early bookstore shift the next morning.

Hugs ensued, Andreyah helped me back into my winter coat [seriously, this was beginning to make me feel like a toddler], and then offered to drive me home. I could have walked from there and had plenty of times before, but it had gotten even colder while we were in the pub so I didn’t turn her down.

“So really, tell me what actually happened,” she said as soon as we were safely tucked into her little Fiesta.

“That was mostly the truth!” I laughed indignantly, but filled her in on other details I hadn’t shared with the group. She listened quietly, letting me rant a bit.

“Aren’t you being a little ... unfair?” she asked as she pulled into the driveway.

“Are you kidding me?” I scoffed, but she fixed me with that trademark pout she used when I was being unreasonable.

“He was 15, Mori,” she said, using the nickname she’d given to me when we could barely even put three words together. “People change. You have to allow them that.” I snorted, but she continued talking. “From what you said, it sounds like he’s been trying to make amends. Maybe you should talk to your brother. Maybe you’re holding onto anger Declan’s long already let go of.”

“You know, sometimes you make way too much sense and it really pisses me off,” I huffed, just making her laugh.

“Oh Mori. I love you, but you’re stubborn as hell. Maybe let it go a little, yeah? What would be the harm?” she asked, watching me as I pressed my fingers against my temple and then rubbed them over my eyes.

“Yeah I’ll think about it,” I said, fully intending to not give Taron a second more of my time.

“Hey, get some sleep, alright? I’ll bring you a coffee tomorrow while you��re at work,” she grinned.

“You are a saint and a scholar,” I grinned back. We gave each other an awkward car hug before I got out, shut the door and waved to her obnoxiously until I got to the front door. I let myself in and found my mom and dad had already gone to sleep, which was just fine with me. I was too tired and sore to try and explain everything that night. I went to my room and got myself ready for bed before crawling in under the covers.

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but my brain kept insisting that I run over the events of the day. I tossed and turned a bit, but every time I opened my eyes, I could see Taron’s wounded expression in the shadows. Try as I might to avoid it, he’d gotten under my skin again, and I was confused by the emotions I was feeling. I hated admitting maybe Andreyah was right. I’d been so young back then, we all had been, and I had only ever gotten Declan’s version of events. The truth of that made my face flush with shame, but old grudges tend to die hard. Finally exhausted by my work shift, my injury and my upsetting emotions, I drifted off into a fitful, uneasy sleep.

Aber Girl continues on Saturday! Coming Soon

#taron egerton #taron x reader #taron imagine #taron egerton imagine #taron egerton fanfiction

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studyingatyork · 5 years ago

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Realistic things to consider before applying to university 🎓

When I was applying to unis, between navigating the bewildering labyrinth of UCAS and trying to actually get my A Levels, I remember reading a lot of Student Room posts and BuzzFeed articles with titles along the lines of “Things To Consider Before Applying to University”.

These articles were helpful, of course - to an extent. But they were all full of the same, broad points and questions: Do you want to move away from home? Are you going to live on campus? Would you prefer to live in a bigger or smaller city? How important is nightlife - are you able to cope with the local clubs playing slightly outdated music; will you wither away if you’re not able to see live bands every week?

Those kind of questions are, undoubtedly, important. They’re the big questions. But, because they’re the big questions, those are the questions that every single relative has already asked you upon hearing that you’re planning to go to uni. You already know your answers to those questions; you’ve answered them so many times you could probably recite them in your sleep. And there are a lot of other things that I haven’t seen mentioned nearly as many times in online circles - things that I wish I’d been advised to consider, before I sent off my UCAS applications.

So here’s my list of realistic things to consider before applying to university…

Is the train fare home from your Chosen Uni going to bankrupt you?

Picture this: it’s Autumn Term of your first year of university. You have settled into your halls of accommodation, embarrassed yourself a few times in front of your flatmates, and only skipped half of your lectures. Although things were scary to begin with, you really think you’re beginning to find your feet. You’ve located the nearest Morrison’s and done your first food shop; you phoned your mum to tell her, and after you put the phone down, she might have wept a little with pride.

It’s Reading Week. You think: wouldn’t it be nice to go home for a few days? All of your flatmates are planning to do so. You open up your Trainline app, intending to book tickets - and the blood drains from your face. No, you think, when you see the price. No, that can’t be right - £96 for a return home? Even with your railcard?

Don’t end up in that situation. Obviously, it’s not advisable to chose a uni solely based on travel time, distance and expense. If you’re desperate to go to a certain uni but it’s an hour or two further away than a more convenient uni that you’re not really keen on, then that extra travel time is a sacrifice that’s well worth making, in the long run. But there’s a degree to which you also have to consider practicality. How are you planning to move your possessions? Will your parents be able to drive there and back in a day? Are they willing to do so? You have to follow your heart, but 5+ hour train journeys will really start to grate on you, after a few terms.

What does your Chosen Uni’s mental healthcare system look like?

There’s no shame in taking care of your mental health. It’s wise to find out in advance what kind of mental health support is offered by your prospective universities. If you have a pre-existing mental health condition, you can apply for Disabled Student’s Allowance (DSA) as part of your UCAS application. This will enable you to access certain kinds of support: extra exam time, extended coursework deadlines, certain apps and computer extensions to help you in your studies, and regular mentoring (pretty similar to counselling, in my experience), if you need these.

You also might want to ask around on the grapevine, to find out what your Chosen Uni’s mental health system is actually like, from a student’s perspective. You can have a look on The Student Room, ask current students on open days, or send questions to FaceBook confession pages like Yorfess or Durfess. Obviously, everyone’s mental health experiences are subjective, and you should take advice based on personal anecdotes with a pinch of salt. But your university should provide you with the support that you need to complete your studies, and going to uni should be an enriching experience. Don’t settle for less.

Your Chosen Uni might have a good reputation - but does your Chosen Course?

Departments vary. Unlike in school and college, in a large university, each subject department will run internally, with its own administration system and its own way of doing things. As someone who has studied in two different departments, doing a joint honours degree, I’m qualified to tell you that there can be a big difference in how different departments operate and treat their students.

Some departments are research-based, while others are not. Some departments will send you emails every day, telling you about all the events that are happening, offering you support, and telling you who you can contact if you have a problem. Some departments will build cosy study rooms specifically for students of your course, and will frequently bring free cake into said study rooms. Some departments will not do any of these things.

Again, it’s worth asking around, and checking out where your Chosen Course ranks in comparison to the same course, as offered by other universities. The Complete University Guide and The Guardian both have respected league tables which compare things like student satisfaction, grade prospects and employability, across universities as a whole and across specific courses and departments.

Does your Chosen Course have the right modules for you?

Autumn 2015: I walked into an open day lecture for History in a University That Shall Not Be Named. Almost the first thing that the professor said: “Everything we study is 1600 onwards. If you want to study medieval, this university is not for you.” Me, internally, knowing that I have wanted to study the Dark Ages since I was eleven: “Oh no, do I really have to sit here listening to this talk for another hour and a half?” Looking back now, I’m very glad I did attend that open day lecture, because it helped me to rule out one university, and appreciate the fact that every single university offers a different variety of modules.

Every single course will have a breakdown of the available modules across each year, on the university’s website. You might love the location of a uni, you might have heard great things about it from former students, but when you check out the things you’d actually be studying, the modules might seem dull as dishwater to you. If you know that you really want to study Romantic literature, it’s probably best not to apply to a university that doesn’t offer a Romantic module and strongly specialises in post-colonial writing. This is also the kind of thing that admissions tutors will be looking out for when reviewing your person statement - are you actually interested in the kind of teaching that their uni offers, or are you just filling a slot on a UCAS form? Obviously, it’s good to stay open-minded; don’t write off any modules as “boring” simply because you’re unfamiliar with the topic. University is about learning new things! But if a certain course seems to offer modules in things that you really know you wouldn’t be interested in, that may be an indication that this course isn’t for you.

Admittedly, this is probably more applicable to my BA languages/humanities degree, in which I could pretty much take whatever modules I fancied from second year onwards, than a science-based BSc degree in which you have to cover certain areas in order to progress. But regardless of what course you’re applying for, it’s always worth checking out what that degree will actually entail. One of the best things about studying at uni, after the rigid, grade-oriented control of GCSEs and A Levels, is the freedom that you have in choosing your own modules and tailoring your studies to your actual interests for the first time in your life. Make sure that you’re actually able to do that, at the university of your choice.

Will your Chosen Course’s style of teaching and assessment work for you?

If you’re currently studying for your A Levels, then by now you’ll probably already have a good idea of what kind of study works for you. Another thing indicated by online course specifications is the ratio of coursework vs. exams (and labs, if you’re doing a science subject, but don’t ask me about that; I still don’t know what a “lab” actually is). If you would prefer to never do another exam again after A Levels (I don’t blame you) then maybe a coursework-heavy degree would be best for you. On the other hand, if you’re one of those people that prefers to get the assessment aspect over quickly with closed exams, you’d probably prefer a more exam-based course.

One of the reasons I decided not to apply for Oxford is that my course would have been assessed entirely through one week of exams at the end of third year. The thought of undertaking a course like that was extremely anxiety-inducing for me - what if I just had a bad week? I’ve never regretted my choice to study at York instead, where I accumulated credits gradually over three years, and was able to walk into my final exam with that knowledge that I was already averaging a solid mark.

There’s also the matter of teaching style and contact hours. These can also vary drastically across different universities and degrees. If you prefer to be taught directly by tutors, you may want to choose a course that’s heavy on lectures and seminars. But if you know that you’re capable of organising your free time for reading and studying (not just watching Netflix), you could select a course with lower contact hours, where you might spend several days a week in the library doing assigned work without any teaching.

These are just a few things to consider when applying for university. It goes without saying that this list is very subjective to my own university experience, and these factors might not matter nearly as much to you as other things like sports opportunities or societies. There are definitely other things to consider that weren’t as important to me. For instance, would you like to study abroad or do a placement year? Also, does the university have a reputation for wildlife on campus that regularly try to kill its students? If you have a severe phobia of geese, it’s probably best that you don’t choose York.

Originally posted 20/01/2018

#university of york #studyblr #university #study blog #student life #study tips #choosing a college #choosing a university #studyingatyork

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astraea-studies · 6 years ago

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Hi! Can you tell us about the education system in NZ?

Good question anon! There’s a very good reason I haven’t responded to this and that’s because the education system in NZ is fucked up complicated :)

So buckle up, it’s going to be a rollercoaster of a ride.

Basically our education system is just god knows what (it really depends on the school) until the last 3 years of high school (year 11, 12 and 13) and then it becomes structured in a craaaaaazy complicated way. I’ll cover getting into university in the last paragraph, too. FYI, year 11 is also called Level 1, year 12 Level 2, and year 13 Level 3.

(I’ll insert a link here because this is a tediously long answer!)

The fundamental idea behind NCEA (National Certificate of Educational Achievement, but everyone calls it NCEA) is that every subject is made up of ‘standards’ or topics (e.g. in English, a standard might be a speech), and each standard has a certain number of ‘credits’ - each subject typically offers 24 credits, but this can depend! In order to pass, you need 80 credits across all of your subjects. 80 credits is pretty easy to attain however, particularly when you take 140 credits (6 subjects worth 24 credits each). The number of credits per standard varies a LOT; it can be anywhere from 2 credits for a small standard to 12 credits for a really big one (like an art portfolio). The usually number is 3 or 4, but there’s sometimes 6 credit standards too. Theoretically each credit is worth 10 hours of work, but I don’t keep track so I honestly wouldn’t know. Also, credits can awarded at either Achieved, Merit, or Excellence level - this is super important later.

Now it gets messy. These standards are divided into ‘internals’ and ‘externals’. Externals are basically the typical end of year exams that everyone sits on a specific day at a specific time, and each subject can only offer a maximum of 3 externals, as all the exams are 3 hours long and it (theoretically) takes 1 hour per standard. There are exceptions, like art portfolios and digital technology (which does a report instead). They’re called externals because all the papers are sent off to some marking place (or something, idk) probably in our capital, Wellington, where they are all marked by the same people. As you can imagine, this is a ridiculously long process that means we don’t get these results back until mid-January, or just before our summer holidays end. Internals, on the other hand, are internally assessed by each individual school, and because there isn’t a specific date or even how the exact same standard should be assessed, each school does these differently. Does this mean it could be unfair? Absolutely. Internals also allow for reassessments or resubmissions (aka resubs), which is if a student is bordering one grade, they can alter their assessment in a small way to move their grade up. Unfortunately resubs aren’t required, so some schools offer loads of resubs while others offer none at all. This is mostly where the unfair nature of the assessments comes into play.

Are you still with me? Good. We’re barely halfway. Remember how a grade can be either Achieved, Merit or Excellence? Yeah, that’s really important. It’s obviously not enough just to have a pass/fail rate, so there’s a system of either Achieving, Achieving with Merit or Achieving with Excellence. As I’ve said, in order to pass you need 80 credits but to Achieve with Merit you need 80 credits with 50 at Merit or above, and to Achieve with Excellence you need 50 Excellence credits. But of course, even that isn’t enough, so not only can you pass overall with Merit or Excellence, you can also get each individual subject endorsed with Merit or Excellence! Yay! To get a subject endorsed with Merit/Excellence, you have to have at least 3 credits endorsed at that level (or above) in internal credits, and 3 credits endorsed at that level (or above) in external credits. You also have to have 14 credits endorsed at that level when combining internal and external credits.

So close, anon. The final part to passing Level 1, 2 or 3 is making sure you have literacy and numeracy credits, which tbh I don’t really understand because I get them anyway through the subjects, but you definitely need 10 credits that are numeracy approved (i.e. involve math) and 10 credits that are literacy approved (i.e. involving English - most subjects, including math, are literacy approved, as there’s usually some degree of comprehension or writing involved). That’s definitely the case for Level 1, but I think at Level 2 (even though numeracy credits are still offered) it’s just gaining 10 literacy credits, and at Level 3 you don’t need any at Level 3, but you still need the 10 credits from Levels 1 & 2 (but these carry over from previous years).

BUT WE AREN’T DONE YET! The university applications and acceptance rely on this wonderful system! So it is equally screwed up! Because the external results are released in mid-January and university begins at the end of February, there isn’t enough time for universities to make place and scholarship offers to students based on their Level 3 results, so universities make conditional offers, or offers based on Level 2 results, and as long as you gain University Entrance (UE) at Level 3, you’re accepted to that university. University Entrance has 3 conditions: you gain 14 credits each in 3 subjects at Level 3, 10 literacy credits at Level 2 or above, and 10 numeracy credits at Level 1 or above. It sounds like the bar is pretty low, and that’s because it is - while some courses are competitive entry, they are very few and not very competitive for first year entry - it’s getting into second year university that’s the difficult part. For example, you can conceivably get into first year health science (med school) by barely passing Level 3, but places in second year med school are highly competitive, so unless you’re willing to study really really hard in first year uni, you won’t be making it.

TL;DR NZ has a fucked up education system that I had to go to 3 seminars to understand and I wish we’d change it

#astraeaanswers #ncea #nz #education

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studentparamedicsaus · 6 years ago

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Student-Graduate Paramedic Transition

This piece was written by the awesome @freshontheambo, who’s taken the time to provide some insight into the process of applying for jobs and beginning on road.

“Hey, I’m a recent paramedic graduate who has just embarked on my GPIP period with the QAS. The application process can certainly be a difficult thing to navigate and wrap your head around, so I’d love to help clear the air a little for those of you who maybe want to hear about it from the perspective of someone freshly through the process.

First of all is the online application process. This only opens once a year, so keep an eye out on their website as well as their Facebook. Remember, you can apply even if you haven’t yet completed your degree, though you must be in your final year of study. This online application can take a bit of time to do, and when I was doing it, there was no closing it and coming back to it, you had to restart it if you couldn’t get it done in one hit. There are important things you’ll need on hand to attach to the application file, all of which can be found in the applicant information pack QAS provide. Off the top of my head I believe this includes:

Certified copy of birth certificate

Certified copy of driver’s license

Certified copy of academic transcript or graduation certificate, whichever is relevant (NOTE: the certified copy of academic transcript must be of the original, not a copy you can get online. You’ll probably have to pay to get this unfortunately).

A clinical reference (i.e the most recent mentor)

A professional reference which needs to be no more than 2 years recent (if not available, a volunteering reference is also accepted)

Certified copies need to be done by a Justice of the Peace. Basically, you make a photocopy of the original document, then take the copy as well as the original along to a Justice of the Peace who will certify it (this will be free don’t worry). You will then need to scan and save this certified copy onto your computer so it can be attached to the application form online. It’s definitely a good idea to get these all done before you do the online application form because, as I said, if you complete a section and then find out you need to submit one of the above files, you have to stop and re-start it all over again once you’ve got it.

As part of this online application, you also select where you would like to work. You can either select the specific LASNs (Local Area Service Network which the state is divided up into) in the order you would prefer, or you can select a box which says that you are willing to work anywhere. You will no doubt hear that this box is the best idea to select as you are more likely to get a job. I can’t really tell you how much truth is in that, but I will say that of the people I know who listed Metro areas as their preference are mostly still waiting to hear from QAS, or were told they weren’t successful and should apply again. It seemed that many of those who selected regional areas got jobs quite quickly, and those who selected the box (myself included) either got jobs straight up or a little later. Again, this is based just on the small pool of people I know. At the end of the day, you of course need to select whatever option is viable for you with your circumstances at the time.

Once you submit the application, the waiting game begins! Most people will end up getting asked to attend a QAS assessment day. For my application round, this ended up happening about a month or maybe two after the applications were all submitted. From what I understand, the vast majority of people will get to this stage, very few end up getting rejected based off the online process alone.

The assessment day is a pretty big day and is obviously very crucial. One thing to remember for this day is that YOU ARE WATCHED 100% OF THE TIME. The facility has cameras and microphones everywhere, and they will watch how you conduct yourself between the various assessments, as well as during them. Use this opportunity to make a point of putting yourself out there, to show that you can work other people whom you don’t know. Make a point to go and talk to other applicants you don’t know. As for what you’ll do on the assessment day, it’s split into 3 main parts:

English and Numeracy test

This comprises of online multiple choice questions which are based on your ability to handle grammar and data interpretation. The best advice I can give for this is to go online and Google ‘maths and English aptitude practice test’ because the maths in particular was maths that I hadn’t done since Grade 8

Psychometric test:

There is no way you can actually prepare for this. It’s your personality based on answers you give to specific questions, and it takes a LONG time to complete as there are about 200 questions. The only advice for this one is to answer truthfully. Don’t just answer what you think QAS wants you to answer with, the test actually flags for answers that are ‘too perfect’. You’ll be told this again on the day, but still, it’s good to know to just answer truthfully.

Various teamwork scenarios:

These are not clinical scenarios. Indeed throughout the whole assessment day, there is no clinical knowledge required, most likely because those applying are not exclusively from Queensland universities, and as such are not familiar with QAS protocol. There’s no equipment. It really is more about how you conduct yourself in team-work, problem solving situations. Again, it’s important to remember that you need to make an effort to show to them that you can work seamlessly as part of a team. It’s also important here that while you need to try and stick out, they also don’t like to see you dominate above others.

Once the assessment day happens, that’s pretty much the last you’ll hear until you know your fate. Some may get contacted later for a further psych assessment, but not everyone will. I didn’t and I still got a job, so don’t stress. Once the offers start coming out, they come out in rounds with about 45 people usually per intake. These come out every 6 weeks or so typically, and if you didn’t get selected in a particular round, they’ll let you know and they’ll either say ‘You’re still being considered for further rounds’ or ‘You’ve been deemed not suitable’. There isn’t one mass round of rejections, they seem to do it in stages as well.

You’ll know you’re in when you get an email, asking you to complete a medical assessment. This is basically the exact same assessment that you’ve got to do when you go on prac, so don’t stress. Before attending, though, you’ll need serology reports and vaccination records, as well as an optometrist report if you wear glasses.

Provided the medical assessment goes well, they’ll go on to do a criminal history report and ask you to give them a driving history report which you can get emailed from the transport and main roads website for about $20 from memory. Once that’s all done, you’ll get your contract and be told the dates of your 6 week induction program at Whyte Island (which is also where the assessment day is held), as well as the station you’ll be at for your GPIP period and then the permanent station after you have finished your GPIP period (NOTE: the station you will be permanently in will very likely be different to where you spend your GPIP).

That’s really it for the application process. The worst part is obviously the waiting. Be prepared to wait and to see a very large disparity between the people who are chosen and those who are not or who are left waiting a long time. QAS’ selection process is very difficult to understand, even clinical educators who ran our 6 week induction didn’t fully understand it. It seems QAS care more about your ability to work in a team than they do your actual ability as a paramedic. I have seen people whom I knew to be very competent throughout uni and their pracs to be left waiting or even rejected, and I have seen people whom made their way through with bare minimum passes throughout uni get jobs straight up. It can be a long process and a long waiting period for many people, so my best advice is to keep yourself busy with a job of some kind in the mean time, and to keep yourself touching up on clinical things every now and then so you don’t forget everything. The 6 week induction program is an excellent refresher and you really learn a lot of clinical things, but keeping yourself up to date with a bit of study here and there prior to commencing is definitely a good idea.

Good luck with your applications and I hope this helped some of you at least get some kind of an understanding of what this process entails, rather than just leaving you even more confused.

As for being a GPIP itself, out on road, it is quite a lot different from when you did clinical placements, and will definitely take some getting used to. You find yourself having to think about things you didn’t have to before, such as where are you going to put the stretcher, even just manoeuvring the stretcher with a patient onboard. Obviously you also have driving to consider, which is a lot of fun but again, something new to throw on to what is already a very overwhelming event. I’m still finding it strange to get myself out of the headspace of not being a student anymore, of actually making clinical decisions and having to look confident on those decisions, not just feeling like you’re making suggestions that your mentors will choose to either act on or not. On one hand, it’s an amazing feeling of freedom, and on the other hand, it’s a little daunting because you feel a little like you’re doing a trapeze act without a net. There’s no longer the safety of having 2 mentors who ultimately make the decisions, it’s you. You’ve got your partner, sure, but it really is on you and in doing your paperwork, again, it’s got your name and signature on it, not your mentor’s. It’s daunting but you do start to get used to it. And don’t worry about how you’ll be treated by other staff. People are supportive of you and your partner will help you navigate these strange waters because, of course, this is a very teamwork-based career where mistakes and errors are shared. Paramedics will ultimately see that you have the same uniform on as them, not that you don’t have 2 stripes under your caduceus. You may not be a “full paramedic” yet, but you’ll get treated as one of the gang. No more having to give up your seats in write up rooms or at station! They’re your seats as much as their’s now!”

#paramedic #emt #ems #studentparamedics #studentparamedicsaus #gpip #graduating #submission

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work-hard-pray-harder · 7 years ago

Text

Surviving the UCAS process

Finishing year 12/ starting year 13, half way through A levels, and now you have to start applying for uni. It is stressful. It does get you worried, but it’s okay once it’s over.

UCAS process

Make an account

Produce application

Send off internally

Send to UCAS

Send to uni

Interview (Maybe)

Acceptances

Choose your uni

Overall tips

Get it done quickly- Get your application done as soon as possible. When I did mine, it had to be sent back twice, meaning it was at the back of the queue and it took ages to be sent to UCAS. This stressed me out so much, so if possible, submit it to your school as soon as possible.

Add qualifications you haven’t got yet- As I said, some of mine were sent back, and that was because I only put in the qualifications I had already attained. Make sure you add in the subjects you’re doing now, with the date you’ll finish them, and just don’t put a grade in the box. We were never told that and it wasted a lot of time for me.

Use your teachers- Your form tutor, and all your subject teachers will be writing you a reference, so talk to them. If you’re planning on doing one of their subjects, tell them, and ask them to say something about how interested you are in the subject. Even if you don’t seem it, most teachers will exaggerate to help you with this. They want you to get into uni.

Negotiate your predicted grades- If you need your predicted grades higher than what you’re being given, go ask them to increase it. Show your teachers evidence that you deserve a better predicted grade, and I’m sure they will do something to help.

Ask for help- If there is anything you don’t understand, ask someone. The staff at your school have probably done this every year for a long time, so they know more than you.

Trust your school- I know when others from different schools have got 4 offers and an interview, and yours hasn’t even gone off to UCAS, you begin to feel as though your school are messing up, but chances are, they know what they’re doing. As I said before, they’re fine, so don’t worry. If they’re taking their time, don’t worry, but also trust them to tell them when they’re doing something wrong. Tell them if they’ve screwed up and trust them to fix it.

Stress out- I can sit here and tell you to relax, calm down, chill out. It doesn’t work. I can tell you to stop refreshing that UCAS application page every day until it gets sent through, only to do the same with UCAS track. It doesn’t work. If you want to look at it every day, go ahead. If you need to have your moments of panic, that’s okay too. Just remember, everyone else is stressed out too. It’s normal, and it’s okay. You don’t have to hide it because others tell you it’s not such a big deal

Personal statements

They don’t matter all that much. You’re going to spend up to 2 months stressing about what to write, how to write it, looking at a thesaurus more in that short time than ever in your life. And then you realise it wasn’t that important. But, you will write it a hundred times, cry at 3am, and you will stress, so here are some tips to make it a little easier for you.

Overwrite- When you do a personal statement, you have a character count, and a line count. (I can’t remember the character count, but I think it’s 47 lines long) Everyone always wants to know if it’s best to write a minimum and fluff it up, or overwrite and take out later. It’s definitely better to overwrite and take out later. If you get everything you want to say, professional and precise, and then you have to start adding words, it’s awful. It’s much better to write loads then take out the irrelevant stuff.

The golden ratio- I’ve seen loads of people talk about the ratio of academics to extra curricular detail, and it’s often 60:40, so there is a slight majority focused on academics. From what I’ve found, this isn’t that important. In my personal statement, I had about 1 or 2 sentences about hobbies and stuff, and I got into all 5 choices for uni.

Talking about extracurricular- Be concise and specific. I focused on talking about my work experience, in terms of how it will help my degree, and I talked about specific books/films/documentaries that I read that also would link to my degree.

Talking about hobbies- Don’t go into detail. They don’t really care what your hobbies, and so no matter what you say, or how little you say, will be more than enough. If you do talk about hobbies, explain what they do to enhance your life (E.g football has made me a team player/ E.g cooking has given me a chance to be independent/ E.g singing has helped to increase my confidence around others) As long as you put something, it’s good enough.

‘Over-exaggerate’ your achievements- When I say over-exaggerate, I wouldn’t say lie. Don’t say that you got an award in XYZ if you didn’t. First of all, I just don’t like lying, but even if you’re okay with that, you never know when they’ll catch you out. Instead, talk about things that you have done, and just really sell them as important. For example, talk about how you recently (in year 9) played 10 netball matches for your school. Talk about how you tutored some younger students in their GCSEs, whilst doing your AS. (No one needs to know that it was your little sister and her mates) As long as you can back it up, with truth and evidence, you can add it in.

It’s yours. No one else’s- As you see it, it is a personal statement. You should have it how you want it, allowing it to represent you in the way you want it to. If your angle is your love for learning, talk about it. If you want to write, showing what a good personality you are, go for it. Your teachers will give you advice and adjustments. Take them into mind, but remember, they have one structure; who’s to say it’s the only right one? I didn’t take all the advice given, and I was fine. So yes, if something is factually incorrect, or misspelled, take advice, but don’t change everything that makes it personal.

Predicted grades

What are they?- These are the grades sent by your school to the university, telling them what they expect you to get. From my experience, they are usually higher that what you’re actually predicted. A lot of my subjects sent my ‘predicted grade’ at least one grade higher than what they’d put as my predicted grade on my reports. These help the unis to see which students are the most likely to meet the entry requirements.

They are very important- I really think they might be the most important factor in determining whether you get accepted into in or not. Of course, your personal statement is important too, but a great set of grades will always speak louder than a good personal statement. Therefore, look at your grades. If most of your hope is on your personal statement, I would think again. I was predicted A*AAB and so I got into all my unis despite very little extracurricular or work experience. They are more important than actual grades. The uni wants your money, so as long as you get accepted, I think you’re 90% there. They’re likely to accept you if you miss out on a grade or so in your real exams as you’re already there and they’re already getting their money.

Get them as high as possible- As I said, predicted grades are very important, so whatever you do, get them high. This can be done in so many ways. Maybe you can negotiate them, maybe you can’t. I already talked about negotiating grades above, so I’ll focus on other ways. My predicted grades were calculated heavily based on how well I did in my trial exams in January, so I knew, more than anything, I had to take these seriously. If your other grades are high, that helps too, but I knew that these were as important as my real exams, so I pushed myself. If you can do that, give your everything for these mocks, you will be rewarded.

Use them as a guide- When you’re applying to uni, you need to know your limits. For example, if you know your predicted grades are CCC, you shouldn’t look at unis with AAB, because that’s highly unlikely to work out. Make sure you therefore can use your predicted grades for this Therefore, if you can, find out what they will be as soon as possible. I was sure mine would be all Bs, so I applied to some unis, and then I found out last minute they were so much higher and I had to change my choices the day before sending off my application. Stressful

They are only a rough guide- While you take them into a guide of what uni you should apply to, don’t stick to it completely. Try a uni with slightly higher grades, and definitely go for lower unis if that’s what you want. My advice was to always choose 3 unis that want your grades, 1 uni a bit higher, and 1 uni a bit lower. That way, you can always aspire for higher but also have something to rely on if you don’t end up doing as well as you’d hoped.

Interviews

Clothes- Your clothes aren’t that important. People always stress out about what they will wear, but honestly, it’s not that important. If you’re dressed moderately smart and neatly, probably what you would wear to sixth form, you’ll be fine. Avoid joggers and hoodies, and I wouldn’t go for anything that looks too ‘clubwear’ but other than that, don’t worry. Most people I know go to interviews in the same clothes they would wear for an open day, so don’t worry.

Subject knowledge- Go with knowledge. Make sure you have enough to show that you are interested in the subject. Ensure you know a few basics on the course, and also what’s on your course. Look through the course spec and pick something that you’re really interested in doing so you can talk about it. For example, doing genetics, you could talk about how you’re looking forward to epigenetics and stuff like that. However, my sister was never really asked about anything. She was more asked why she wanted to do the subject and why she picked a specific uni.

You don’t have to be a genius- So many people read up on everything possible in their subject, but that’s not needed. As long as you show you’re interested and you have some basic knowledge, that’s fine. My teacher had an interview for Oxford (Maybe Cambridge) and they asked him a question, which he had know idea on. He simply answered ‘I don’t know. How?’ From that, he got a whole explanation for an hour; showed off his interest, and consequently was given an offer for uni. So don’t worry if you’re not an expert in the subject, just go, do your best, and ask questions.

Personality- This is going to be important. The university already know how smart and intellectual you are, and they already like you. Now they want to see that you’d be a good fit in their school. They want you to show them how much of an asset you as a person will be. So be yourself, but put your best self forward. Don’t be too formal, relax, and be confident.

Offers

Conditional offers- These are (like in the name) offers given to you on the condition that you achieve a certain grade. Now these can often be negotiated. Mine got moved from AAB to BBB just for putting it as my firm choice. Also, as I already said, they care more about your 9 grand than they care about you (as much as they try to deny it) and so even then, these conditional offers may not be so fixed.

Unconditional offers- These are basically where you get the offer no matter what. Sometimes they will say that you only get an unconditional offer if you accept it as a firm choice. This is such a benefit and while you’re doing your exams, you will wish for this. However, if you’ve got an unconditional, don’t let it ruin your motivation. You still need your grades.

Accepting offers- Don’t rush into it. I accepted my offers the day I got my last one, but a lot of people waited. One of my friends waited so long, their first choice uni changed her offer from a conditional to an unconditional. Take your time, really think about it. You will spend 3, 4, maybe more years there, so don’t pick somewhere you’re not really interested in. Also, don’t accept an offer just because it’s unconditional. Make sure you want to go there before anything else.

It’s YOUR choice- Don’t reject an offer because others say it’s not the best. I was told not to accept my offer as I had offers from much ore high status unis, but I knew which one was for me, and if you get like that for a specific uni, stick to it. Trust me. Pick the university you think is best for you. If others complain it’s too far away, or it’s not high up enough on league tables, forget them. This is your choice, and your future; not theirs. (If you don’t like a uni because it’s too far away or low in league tables, that’s fine too, as long as it’s your choice)

Getting rejected- I didn’t get any rejections, but I know how hard that can be. Don’t worry. There will be other unis/ Just apply again, go through extra. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe you don’t really want uni. Maybe you needed those rejections to show you that. Or maybe you’ll see how much harder you need to work. Either way, everything will turn out okay.

What now? Focus on meeting the requirements of your course. Work as hard as you can, getting ready for it. Smash your exams, and take a well earned break. By that time, you’ll be in my position; writing your own UCAS survival guides, waiting for your results. And in that time, I wish you all the best of luck!

Thank you for reading, I hope it’s helped! If you have any questions about UCAS, unis, or anything like that, let me know. Send me an ask, or a private message and I’ll definitely get back to you! Good luck with everything and remember; it will be okay. It always does. Let me know how your applications go!

Disclaimer: I didn’t have any interviews so all my interview advice comes from my school to our class, not my personal experiences. Psychology very rarely does interviews, but for other subjects you may not get this escape. Also, I never applied for Oxbridge universities, so some things may be a little different.

#a levels #a level work #ucas #ucas application #university #uni #uni applications #personal statement #applying for uni #mine #ruqs tips #advice #study tips #ruqs advice

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awed-frog · 7 years ago

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I saw your notes on the outrageous post about the 1% and I couldn't help but be curious about they things your friend experienced...

Hi there! So, yeah, it’s kind of a freakish story, because Iwent to high school with this girl - we were in the same class, andshe was so sweet - the bookwormish and Did you know there’sa wasp called Aha ha and ‘save the whales’ kind ofstudent, you know? And after graduating, she studied maths, and thenwe sort of lost touch - I heard she was working in London when I wasliving in the UK, so I reached out and got a very weird email back.We finally met on a train, just randomly, about five years afterthat, and that’s when she told me what had happened to her.

[Disclaimer: I’m not saying all banks and consulting companiesare cults, but if how much money you make depends on how many peopleyou screw over, then maybe it’s normal you attract a crowd ofpsychopaths and pathological narcissists, and things generally godownhill from there.]

So, the thing is - with a maths degree, you can do a lot of stuff,but my friend had a bit of an adulting crisis at the end of herstudies, because, she told me, every choice seemed so very permanentand she wasn’t ready to commit to a 3-years research program orteacher training or whatever, and this is when she was headhunted bythe banking industry and basically they made her believe they’d bethe right fit for her.

(And let me just say - because of my Oxford degree, I’ve beentargeted as well, and that one evening I spent with them remains oneof the scariest beyond the looking glass shit I’veever experienced in my life.)

Of course, their offer is dreamy - a flexible whatever, she leaveswhen she wants, she gets a free course in what they need her to do, asalary with a shitton of zeroes and the job is based infucking London - and at this point, my friend isstill a normal a kid and she’s thinking, I’m notenthusiastic about what banks get up to and it’s not the mostinteresting thing I could do with my degree, but hey, maybe I canlive in the UK for a couple of years and make some money and thenfind something better. And so off she went, and as she told meabout how she found her first flat, well, that’s the same thing Iwas going through in that same period some sixty miles away, becauseshe still had a normal budget (what she’d saved till then? summerjobs and grandparents’ gifts and some paid grading) and it’s hardto find a reasonably priced room in London, so she had to picksomething that was more than one hour away from the City and thatsounded like a very boring and long commute, but hey, London! And atthis point, you know, she looked out of the window, and her storystarted to become a bit more disconnected, jumping back and forth, soI’ll try to piece it together chronologically, but man, it wasreally chilling to hear it out of order, and I wish you’d beenthere with me because I don’t know how well I can put it intowords.

Anyway, so the first thing that’s a problem are her clothes: shecan see that as soon as she steps into the place, the way people lookat her, and she doesn’t get it, because she’s wearing this smartpantsuit she’s already uncomfortable in, and what the fuck? Andluckily she doesn’t have to wonder long, because that’s, like,the first thing her boss (a man) says to her: that she can’t dresslike that, because she’s going to meet clients from time to timeand that’s just not appropriate and my friend - a shy 23-year-oldwho grew up in the mountains, in a village of 46 people - stilldoesn’t know what she’s doing wrong, exactly, and it’sso embarrassing, because this is a man twenty years hersenior and her boss and she’s talking to her like she’s naked orsome shit, and finally - finally - he explains that she can’t buyoff the rack - tailor-made only, please. And she’s so stunned shejust babbles that she can’t afford that and this guy - this guytakes his wallet and places, like, 10 000 pounds on the deskand Please go get changed.

(“It was like Pretty Woman,” my friendsaid, “except creepier, because I didn’t know the rules. Ididn’t know, well - I was shocked. Like, was that a test? Should Itake the money or not? And if I take it, does that come out of mypaycheck? Is it a gift? Do I have a choice over the clothes I wear ornot? Should I stand up for myself or give up? How do I make a goodimpression here?”)

And the thing is, you want to be polite, right? You want to fitin. You assume other people know better.

(Especially as a young woman.)

And so my friend took the money and said thank you and spent herfirst morning shopping in a weird luxury place that only had one ofeach and came with complimentary champagne and truffle-flavoured hamand there were no curtains and no changing rooms and she had to stripdown to her underwear right in front of the saleswoman, but it alsodidn’t matter because she was the only customer and the shop lookedlike someone’s living room and again, what are the rules?

And the thing is - the way she described it, every day was likethat in several small, insidious ways, every day there were athousand moments when she didn’t know what people expected fromher, and slowly the desire to be a good colleague turned into a thisis completely normal and how everyone lives thing and shedidn’t even notice it was happening.

Like, at first she’d been shocked by the price of meals. Peoplewould routinely order up food, or go out for dinner and spendthousands of pounds on one lunch.

(Thousands. Of. Pounds.)

And she’d been shocked by the rent of her new apartment (with a60-minute commute, she had maybe two hours of sleep a night, so shehad to move closer to the City), because £5000 a month? Back in uni,that had been her budget for a whole semester. And she’dbeen shocked by how many clothes and shoes and designer handbags sheseemed to be needing. And at how she’d stopped doing anything forherself, or having any control over her body - she never had the timeto cook, or even shop (her luxury kitchen was pristine, her fridgeempty), and someone would come into work and do her hair and nailsand whatever else it is that women need and barely ask her aboutstyle and colour because they could see she was out of her depth.

(“You remember how I was before, right? When I first arrived inLondon, I didn’t know how foundation worked. I never painted mynails, either. For job interviews and stuff I’d wear some of thateasy-to-apply eyeliner and mascara and feel like Greta Garbo, but inmy office, it was considered - people just frowned at you, you know?Or disregarded your wishes, or whatever. One day - it must have beena week after I started - a beautician just showed up, started talkingto me as if we’d arranged an appointment, asked me to chose betweenfour shades of pink that looked the same to me. Turns out, acolleague had told her to come to me next, already paid for it, sowhat do you do? I had to sit there in front of everybody and let thiswoman do my nails - I felt like an animal in a zoo, but nobody waslooking at me, nobody found it weird.”)

And, look, I can’t really explain it the way she did, but whathappened next was that she didn’t have time to come home for avisit for, like, eight months, and when she finally showed upeveryone was half proud, half terrified, because yeah, she lookedgood and rich and successful, but she was also -completely different? When she’d left, she’d beenthis normal kid, vaguely left-wing, who’d liked hiking and onlyowned sport bras, and now she was - she was weird. Shehad no sense of reality. No compassion for anything or anyone. Shewas cold, annoyed by everything, incredulous at the fact herfavourite brands were not available in local shops, insisting thather parents and siblings should buy this and that to make their livesbetter. She ended up fighting with mostly everyone and going back toLondon after three days, and in the year after that, she only tookholidays with colleagues - three days of snorkeling in Kenya, aprivate plane party, a weekend of golfing in Scotland - and now shewas the one ordering the most expensive bottle on the menu androlling her eyes at badly-dressed interns, because - she’d made it.She was the 1%.

(Or would get there, anyway.)

Luckily, there’s a happy ending, and it’s surprisinglyanticlimatic.

One night, my friend looked up from a party of high-endprostitutes and drunken antics and she suddenly saw how crazy andunhealthy it all was. It just happened. She looked at the woman onher left, snorting cocaine and laughing, and then at the man on herright, who had a stripper on his lap, and she just - stood up andleft. The very next day, she quit the firm, donated half her earningsto charity, travelled through South America for three months beforegoing back to university. Now she’s a researcher (she doessomething complicated to do with game theory, and I don’tunderstand any of it), and also - she’s back to her old lovelyself. She sees her friends, she gets on well with her family. She’skind. She’s normal. As I said - happy ending.

#ask #the 1%#meanwhile irl #i know this is just one story #but i heard very similar things #from other people #private banks and consulting firms #seem to be the worst offenders #and btw #never underestimate how easy it is to be brainwashed #big companies do it for a living #and they're damn good at it

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kuriquinn · 7 years ago

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Hey Kuri. I just need a little life advice. How did you find your call in Teaching? I'm kinda struggling right now trying to find what I want to do with my life. Im going back to college soon but the subject I'm studying isn't what I'm interested in. I've tried to love it but its been difficult. I often times feel like a disappointment to my family because my siblings are all doing great and I feel like a loser not getting there yet.

Strap in, there, Anon, this’ll be a long one…

If I’m being honest, my call isn’t teaching - it’s writing. Even now, though I have a Big Girl Job and everything, which pays my bills and keeps my fur babies in food and toys, I consider my writing to be my real job. Even if, at the moment, it’s just writing fanfiction.

The first piece of advice I would give you for anything in your future is to do something you love. That way it will never be a chore and you will stick with it longer than five minutes.

Now, on the heel of that, the second piece of advice is: if you can’t pursue your passion, pursue something you don’t hate. And it might take you a while to figure out what that is.

I graduated high school with pretty decent grades, went to a good college and did well there (Liberal Arts), and I applied to university hoping to major in Creative Writing and Minor in German Language. My outside logic was: it would help me get into a writing field like journalism or translation. Inwardly, I figured I was just taking university courses while I was busy writing my novel and that before graduating I would be published and famous and rich.

Yeah, eighteen-year-old me was a bit of a naive idiot.

Cue life-experience:

My parents were kind of wary about the whole thing, they didn’t really believe I was doing a good thing, but it was my choice and they had to respect it. They knew what I didn’t, but would learn for myself. At the time I was also working in a bookstore, which while not my passion or anything, I actually enjoyed. Work never felt like work, and for minimum wage, that’s a good thing.

Flash forward to my first semester of university, in which I learned that a) my German skills were beyond what I could be taught at uni and I wouldn’t be able to take half of the courses I needed to fill my minor, so it was basically a waste of time to take and b) my Creative Writing classes basically centered around having a published author (and I use this term loosely to define a person who self-published one grungy, literary shock fiction and passed it off as literature) get up and talk about how to write. And not write actual good stories with decent plots and characters and such, but the gritty, sensory, detailed lyrical crap…and if you didn’t try to write exactly like that person, they flunked you.

So trying to follow my first passion didn’t exactly pan out.

I ended up switching my degree completely, majoring in Classical Civilisation and minoring in History. I figured, I love history, and I love research, maybe a degree in this could help me get a job in museum studies or as a researcher or something. The next two years passed quite nicely…and though my part-time bookstore job fell through because of crappy managers, I started to tutor a lot more (and my brother was in his last years of high school at this point, and needed my help getting through his classes) and I realised that I was actually pretty good at breaking down information and explaining it in different ways. Plus, I already had a lot of experience with learning difficulties due to my brother.

So, one year before I graduated, I get the bright idea to become a teacher. I had enough credits to switch majors, but the problem was, my university only offered Early Childhood Education…and while I dearly love little kids, more than five or six of them below the age of ten would probably drive me insane. I figured teenagers would be more mature.

(*pause* *waits for riotous laughter from Those Who Know Better*)

Anyhow, I had to apply to a whole new university program just to get into a high school teaching program. And that was the most miserable two years of my life, because teacher education is the most useless piece of trash degree you can take. You know when you learn? When they stick you in a school as a student teacher. I didn’t learn one thing from my second university degree except that sometimes the only way to move on to the next stage of your life is to sit through the boring shit and get a stupid piece of paper saying you sat through the boring shit.

And THEN…

I didn’t even get a job for another two years.

The thing people don’t tell you about university is that when you get out, there is almost no one hiring. The Baby Boomer generation is not retiring any time soon, the job market is flooded with so many newcomers that competition is fierce, and on top of that, your chances are reduces based on what field you go into. Science, Engineering, Computers, Medicine, Business and Law? Competition will be fierce, but you will definitely have a job at the end of your degree. Anything else? Unless you somehow become famous, every other job out there has a crappy percntage of hiring, and chances are you are going to have to get an average Joe job for a year or two before you actually get hired to do what you studied.

Me, I had one learning experience where I moved to England because there’s a huge demand for teachers (and learned why there’s a huge demand is because the school system there is complete shite), and then spent a year unemployed and basically acting as an unpaid domestic/caregiver because my mother was sick (I lived at home, though, so that’s why it worked out). I still tutored when I could, but I didn’t have as many clients as I had hoped for. Things were so bad at this point and I was so depressed I couldn’t even write…

I did finally get hired, but the way I did won’t make you feel better. I basically sent my resume to one of the schools where I did my field experience, telling them I was available for tutoring in the upcoming year. I got a call back (on my birthday) to see if I was interested in taking on an actual teaching job - they remembered me from my internship and remembered my brother (who once was a student there).

So I basically got the job because I knew someone.

And that’s the reality of it. You will not get a job (in certain fields, at least) unless you know someone. Networking and good interview skills are so important to getting hired these days, and your ability to be social (or fake being social) is key.

Even now, I’m not exactly secure in my job. As a teacher in the private sector, I don’t even have a contract. I literally spend every August sitting by the phone biting my nails hoping that they’re going to call me back for the year.

But it’s a foot in the door. You always have to think about it that way.

Contrast this to my brother - he finished high school, took a trade (auto mechanics), and had a job within a year. He now makes and will continue to make more in a year than what I will in two. He had his forever job at 19; I didn’t find mine until I was 27.

Now, if you’re still with me and I didn’t bore you with my life’s story, here’s the take away:

1. Pursue your passion. If you can make a living from it, you’re one of the lucky few. Keep doing you, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. Friends, family or loved ones, it doesn’t matter what they think.

2. If you can’t pursue your passion (full time, at least), do something that you don’t hate. Something that you are good at, a job where you can show up to and do your work happily and then go home at the end of the day and not stress about. Again, if anyone is telling you to do something you hate, DON’T. In five years, you’ll be burnt out, stressed and miserable. It is so not worth it. And if this is an Average Joe Job like working in a bookstore? Fine. Do that. It gives you more time to pursue your actual passions, and looks good on a resume.

3. Get a trade. Seriously, if you put off university for a year to get a trade, like real estate or mechanics or electrician or something, you not only give yourself the ability to be hired sooner, you can also support yourself throughout your academic career - and for those of you facing a future of student loans, this is so important!

4. If you pursue higher education, be prepared to change your mind A LOT before you graduate. You might find your are more interested or better at a certain subject that you thought, or a complete loss. There is nothing wrong with changing your major or minor until you find the right fit, just make sure you get all your General Education courses out of the way first so that you have that leeway.

5. After graduating, unless you’re in certain career fields, be prepared not to have a job right away. Get an Average Joe Job to keep you going, keep sending out CVs and going to interviews, and just hang in there - you will eventually get there, even if it takes you a little longer than your friends. And network! Make sure you keep in contact with people who might be able to help you in your career.

6. If you have the money and means, travel. Because chances are you won’t have the chance to do it once you join the rat-race.

7. MOST IMPORTANT: Do not let stress take over your life. You MUST find a way to balance your life while you worry about school/career stuff. Go out with your friends, travel when you can (even if it’s just a day trip to a museum!), write or paint or play music or build models or code or binge watch your tv show of choice, or whatever it is you do for fun - make sure you do it every day. Because your brain needs a way to unwind from the not so pleasant adulty stuff.

Anyhow, that’s the advice Twenty-Nine-Year-Old-Present-Me would give Nineteen-Year-Old-Me on the eve of starting university. I don’t know if she’d listen to all of it, but I wish someone had told me all that. Especially the parts about not getting a job right away. I thought I was a humongous failure because I couldn’t find work, when the reality was, I was just one of thousands of people seeking employment in an uncertain economic environment.

So, on that note, I hope that you managed to find some comfort or guidance in these words. Remember, you are not a disappointment and everyone moves at their own pace. Maybe you’re having a slow year and your siblings aren’t. Maybe next year you’ll be the one who has exciting new opportunities and they are stuck in a rut. Our lives are very static and you never know what’s coming around the next bend. Just keep on keeping on.

And personally? If I was struggling to love my college program? I would take a very good look at whether it was really for me.

Thanks for the ask :)

#advice #ask kuri #life lessons #the important thing is to breathe #career #school #passions #wish someone had told me this #the more you know

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