#mostly i'd be doing it because i want to see if going into health/fitness is where i want to go with my career

[pollen]

i'm going to enroll in a personal training certification course for fun :)

[madamtrashbat]

When I was ten, we lived on a rice farm with a lot of big buildings in the middle of nowhere. One of the shitty employees of the rice farm decided that, because we had barn cats on the premises, it was perfectly fine to dump a litter of very small kittens into one of the barns.

(I hate her I hate her I hate her)

The kittens were not old enough to be on their own, and despite one of the barn cats looking after them, the majority of them did not make it. All except for one, a little tuxedo that let my dad pick it up.

He brought it into the house, and I decided I was going to nurse it back to health. He was mostly black with a white chin, little white toes, and a white belly. He was so small. I fell in love with him.

I named him Pookie.

He would curl up in the crook of my neck and sleep on my shoulder, where it was warm. He was eating the cat food I mushed up with water, and for three days I thought he might make it.

Then, inexplicably, our dog Fancy, a heeler/shepherd mix, attacked him in the laundry room. She had never done anything like that before and never did anything like that afterwards. I never knew why she did what she did.

I begged my parents to take him to the vet. Please, see if there's anything we can do. I want to save him so badly.

But we had very little money at the time, and my mom couldn't justify an enormous vet bill for a cat we'd had for less than a week that there was surely nothing to do for.

I put him in his basket that night with food and water and many blankets. He had no external injuries besides a nosebleed, so I hoped it wasn't as bad as it seemed.

He didn't see the morning. My dad buried him in the flowerbed without much ado.

I cried for two days into the arms of an unsympathetic mother who didn't understand why I felt so strongly over a cat we'd had for three days, bombarded with criticism from a judgmental sister who severely disliked cats. My dad did his best to try and comfort me, but he's not the best with emotions and didn't know what to say.

It has stuck with me for 20 years. I wonder, from time to time, if I did enough. If I'd kept him in my room instead of the laundry room, if I'd looked up how to care for him, if I'd kept closer watch on him and kept the dog away from him, would he have lived. Would he still have been my cat. Would he have known a life of love and warm fireplaces and full bellies and cuddling into my shoulders until he was too big to fit.

I'll never know.

I told Sawyer about this recently, in a moment of emotional upheaval where I was just spewing out a list of things that had happened in my past that I'd never really gotten over. The conviction of my sadness apparently struck a deep chord with Sawyer, who decided to make me a memorial for Pookie to keep his memory close.

No one else had taken my emotions regarding Pookie seriously. Not until now. And not only did Sawyer take it seriously, the emotional vomit of an adult woman still crying over a cat she had for three days in fifth grade, but Sawyer thought it important enough that it should never be forgotten.

It's nice, sometimes, to know the person you've chosen to go through life with is the best person in the world for you.

[delucadarling]

Current rambling thoughts on dieting/weight loss, nothing that's a downer:

Back in April I got blood test results that showed my cholesterol was high and my sugar was barely shy of being diabetic. It spooked the shit out of me, as despite being fat most of my life, I was also pretty healthy and somewhat active. It was after getting covid that I was so fatigued I dropped the active thing pretty much entirely.

The doctor was more focus on the sugar, and recommended cutting back simple sugars, adding in more fiber, and increasing my weekly activity.

I'd been wanting to get back into shape for a long, long time but I've been nervous about trying the gym again. My dad was one of those shithead people that secretly films people in the gym doing things 'wrong' or committing the sin of being fat in public. It had me terrified of trying to get fit where other people could see me, because you know, most people don't want to be mocked.

Lucky me, I have the most amazing, supportive girlfriend ever. She took me by the hand and very gently showed me around the gym, helped me learn how to use the machines, and didn't mind when I shadowed her around as she did her workout. From there, I got excited! I used to LOVE working out, I just mostly did simple stuff, running, and swimming. I did a lot of WiiFit when I was younger, and this one Jillian Michael's DVD I found at Walmart for like $5 at the time. Running was the big one though (hello Zombies, Run folks).

So just making those changes (less soda, more fiber, more exercise) over the course of maybe 3ish months I dropped almost 15 lbs. I hadn't been tracking my weight, but I did compare the results the doctor took from my previous three appointments. I was kind of shocked! I've never had a healthy relationship with weight loss, and every time I've tried to lose weight it lead to a lot of heartache, misery, and doubled weight gain. So I more or less wrote off my ability to trim down and decided to just be fat and happy.

I will say though, the extra bulk has recently frustrated me. I can't do yoga the way I used to. My limbs are still flexible but I keep getting blocked by my own fat. I have to go real easy on my joints because of all the extra weight, which is frustrating, because I'd honestly love to try jogging again. I just don't want to fuck my back and knees up again.

I decided to give losing weight another try, with a lot more self-love, after a lot more research, and with the support of someone who has loved me even at my fattest and never said a word about it.

It hasn't been too hard this time. I don't feel like I'm depriving myself. I am impatient, I want to see results NOW, but obviously that's not how things work. And slow is better anyway.

I know tumblr has a generally negative view on weight loss, and I fully include myself in that. I bought into the 'starvation mode means you'll never ACTUALLY lose weight permanently) thing, I was convinced anyone trying to lose weight had the same disordered ideas on it that I used to have (and still struggle with sometimes). It's a loaded topic for a hundred reasons, so I am trying to be conscious of when I talk about it and around who. Hence the tags and putting it under a cut. I'm happy and excited to be trying this out, putting my health first, trying to feel strong and capable in my body, but I absolutely know first hand how upsetting hearing about dieting can be. Not to mention how hard it is to avoid the more toxic side of trying to change your diet and fitness.

I've found a lot of resources that are very facts based, cut and dry, and leave out the moralizing behind weight loss and weight gain and just weight in general. There are a lot of very encouraging resources as well.

So yeah! As said, this is just a ramble, I like to write to get my thoughts down, and it always comes easier when it feels like I'm talking to someone, not just myself. I probably won't post a lot about this, but it's been just over a week since I started tracking my food and daily weight specifically, which always used to be something that would send me into a bad habit spiral. This time feels different. I've been doing fine. There have been a few moments of disappointment, but they've been easy to shake off. Mostly I'm just astounded to learn more about the macros involved in the food I eat, and I'm also happy to have tools to help me find portions that make me feel full and not stuffed. On the days I've been not kept to my deficit goals, it was because I was hungry and decided it was more worth it to feed myself than stick to a number and I didn't feel a bit of guilt about it afterward.

I'm pretty pleased with how it's going so far. I feel stronger, I feel more energetic, and tracking my food intake and weight makes the part of my brain that loves a spreadsheet very happy.

[roblogging]

Hey I’m sorry this is kind of repetitive from my last ask (the feeling like faking being trans one) so feel free to ignore this I just think it would be helpful to have a trans persons perspective again?

I used to identify as trans (ftm) and I think it was the happiest I ever felt but i stopped presenting that way when my mental health got bad like 3 years ago? and im like really scared of trying again for some reason like it feels like its not allowed because i stopped identifying that way, but I’ll see all these trans masc/men on my fyp and i wish i looked like them SO bad but i think part of why its so scary is that i have a lot of curves and am just not skinny and i almost never see trans people who look like me and i don’t know it’s so confusing and scary and im really scared of being wrong cause I don’t want people to think im faking it

screw people !! it's such a journey, and it's so so so okay to take some time to figure it out !!

and this is so fucking valid. if you're in a bad mental space then this is a bigggg thing to navigate ! esp if you have to handle coming out alongside that.

bestie start exploring !!! it's so much more diverse than what you see on tiktok 🙏 so much more diverse 🙏

it's okay if it's wrong as well. when i first started exploring my gender i only told online friends. they trialled names and pronouns with me, and i changed so many times until i found one that fit. i had this one person on tiktok a few months ago that dmed me when he was questioning, and we made a lil list of pronouns and potential names and every few days i'd just pop in and ask how they were using different ones, until one fit.

like it's SUCH a journey !! you don't need to have it all figured out and it's 100% okay to be wrong about it !! pne thing about trans rep online, is that you're going to see the end result more than the journey. same with mental health accounts, they mostly speak from the perspective of someone that's made it through the rough times and is now sharing insight. you won't see it often, but oh boy do we all struggle with this !!

[being-of-rain]

My thoughts on The Church on Ruby Road! I literally can't write one of these without it being much longer than I expect. You think I'd simply expect it by now. But apparently I just had a lot of thoughts to put down about this one!

I really liked it! Going by friends' reactions, I think I liked it more than most of them. Maybe that's because I was expecting the more straightforward fantasy than usual from Doctor Who after hearing about it from RTD. I hope they dive into that more in the upcoming series, and make it explicit that it's because of the edge-of-the-universe-superstition stuff. That's such a fun direction for the show to go in.

I mostly have good things to say. Ncuti Gatwa was an instant fit for the Doctor, I can't wait to watch a whole series of him. His outfits were fantastic, especially that very first shot of him with his hat. And his deduction and reassurance scene with the policeman reminds us that the character has a powerful magic even without the goblins and skyships. Oh and the Doctor loving the name Lulubelle, what an adorable moment.

The goblins and skyships themselves felt very Peter Pan to me, and I love the urban fantasy feel it gave the episode. I also simply adore the fairytale logic, narrative magic that the Doctor was talking about. "The language of luck" and "coincidence is what makes the baby tasty" and "vocabulary of rope" and "if you have lots of accidents, it stitches you in. It weaves you into the day." I eat that stuff up, urban fantasy at its best in my opinion. Creeping into our world around the edges. And of course Doctor Who had to have a line suggesting that all coincidences might be because of goblins, I love it. The unexpected goblin music number felt very appropriately pantomime, and led to yet another moment that made me fell in love with this Doctor; him continuing the song rather than stopping it. Again, adorable.

As for Ruby Sunday, she's fun to watch and well acted, and I don't have anything bad to say about her, but she does feel a little generic-companion to me at the moment. Sometimes companions take a while before they go from 'like' to 'love' for me, but they usually make it eventually, it just takes one really great episode or plot. I do love her family though, they're so much fun, please can we have the Doctor spending more time with them. It's so cute to see a foster family depicted so positively and wholesomely.

Which leads us to the hardest-hitting part of the episode, when Ruby's taken and the timeline is rewritten, and GOD it's bleak. It's another look at that classic RTD cynicism that's just under the surface, but it works soooo well here, god damn. The way a lot of minimal changes made the setting go from "queens of the sky" to "stuck with my old mum up here in the attic" was so Powerful. The performances of Michelle Greenidge as a depressed Carla and Ncuti Gatwa as a raw and heartbroken Doctor was just. Chef's kiss. This time it's sci-fi at it's best; something impossible happening and then the story really digging its claws into the emotional impact it has on people.

The Doctor really showing his emotions is something I love and want to see a lot more of. I assume that's the main change to the character after Tennant Doctor's mental health retirement, which is a relief after Thirteen's years of brooding and hiding negative emotions from friends. So I don't mind Gatwa's Doctor having issues and brooding moments, because obviously you can't permanently fix all your problems forever anyway, especially not in his life. But all that said, specifically his line "I've got no one" really stood out to me as being strange considering the previous episode seemingly solving that in the short term. I know Gatwa's Doctor might potentially be a long way past that now, but surely it robs the retirement ending of its entire point if we immediately skip past not only the healing, but the getting-worse-again-about-the-exact-same-issue as well.

Speaking of Thirteen, it was nice to see RTD once again bring back the Timeless Child from Chibnall's era and give it a bit more depth. Chibnall definitely acknowledged the Timeless Child's emotional impact on the Doctor, and she had an arc surrounding that. But if I had to describe that arc I'd call it rather one-note and uninteresting; going from 'desperate to know more about adoption' to 'accepting it without question' without really any character beats in-between. Seeing how Gatwa's Doctor was dealing with it, how he related to other adoption stories and thought about himself, adds more dimensions to that, and I hope we get more glimpses of it.

When it comes to Ruby Sunday's adoption, I like that there's something of a plot bait-and-switch with the Doctor staring at (presumably) Ruby's mother in the cold open, then the Doctor being more concerned with saving Ruby later in the episode, and deciding not to follow the mother. If the series spends more focus on that plot, I hope it's mostly Ruby making a similar choice to the Doctor, because I'm an absolute sucker for 'it's not biology that makes a family.' I mean, basically my favourite Doctor Who story is Izzy Sinclair's from the DWM comic, and it was basically this. Izzy's story might've even been a direct influence on Ruby's, since we know that RTD was a DWM reader at the time and loved it too, enough to send a letter in praising the final Izzy comic! Anyway, I should probably try not to compare the two arcs too much, because I have my favourite and I'm biased 😂

How does this Thoughts Post feel even longer than usual!? I guess new Doctor, new companion, and new story arcs might do that. So time for random points!

-After checking, the clock on the eponymous church is absolutely the same one on the Christmas Town tower from The Time of the Doctor. I hope I'm not the only one who immediately noticed that aha. -I've seen people diss the narration at the very start, and I get disliking purposeless narration, but I think this one serves a purpose well. It adds even more of a fairytale vibe to a very fairytale scenario in a very fairytale episode. -Random nitpick: one thing I'd change about the episode is how much stress the camera and music give to some comedy minor characters, specifically the lady with the pram, Mrs Flood in her first scene, and the other neighbour. Focusing on them so much felt like it dampened their little jokes a bit. -Random highlight: I love when the Doctor says random throwaway stuff like they always do, but side characters actually pick it up and start trying to pick meaning out of it. So it made me happy when Ruby came back to the Houdini namedrop at the end of the episode. -The international version of the episode had a random Disney Plus ad before the final few lines (rather than that being a mid-credits scene like in the UK) and god I hated it. Praying that doesn't happen again. -I know RTD has said there'll be more about the "mysterious" Mrs Flood in future, but to me she genuinely just felt like a minor character with a christmas fourth-wall break. I really don't care about getting more of her, so if there is then I hope it's more interesting. -The murder of the Goblin King sure was more violent than usual for Doctor Who, and it can bother me a little bit when TV shows start letting things like that go by without comment, but I don't really mind it this time. The goblins vanished like the mythical creatures they were, the Doctor was cool as hell jumping off the church tower to bring them down, and this time the classic RTD Emotional Manipulation was working on me perfectly. -It's hilarious that they're keeping up the 'mavity' thing, I wonder when they'll actually do something with that.

Final thoughts! The Church on Ruby Road was a fantastic start to The Gatwa Era. It had a simple plot and villains, which worked wonderfully with the delightful characters, magical aesthetic, and powerful emotional beats it landed. It definitely felt more like a first episode than a christmas special, which is to it's credit, but with the singular downside that it has me impatient for more episodes!

If you made it all the way to the end, then Happy New Year! I hope you (and Dr Who) have a wonderful 2024 😘

[syncopein3d]

Cheap Shot: A Friendly Review

Introduction and Format Explanation:

I've just finished reading Cheap Shot by @snaillamp. In the communities where I spend most of my time here on Tumblr, I see occasional recommendations but nothing I would call a review, so I thought I'd go into a little more detail about why I enjoy stories I read. This is my second friendly review after Smoke, Salt and Asbestos, and this story is in a very different genre from that one.

The reason I think a positive review might be useful to my audience is that, when people praise a story, they seldom give enough detail for me to know as a reader if I will also want to read it. These are stories I liked personally, and this means that reviews will mostly be of hurt/comfort stories with happy or at least ambiguous endings.

Ambiguous here means characters may part, or may have dangling plot threads for later, but they have survived and are in some way better or recovering.

This doesn't mean I disliked everything I didn't review; I read a lot of stories and can't review them all. This is just for stories that are completed according to the author (something of a rare category already) and that I thought deserved special mention.

Another reason is that the Tumblr writing format is more akin to the magazine serials of yesteryear than a novel. That's less applicable in the present case, because this is more of a traditional short story format and is reasonably complete in itself, even if there are other stories with these characters. I could imagine this as a Netflix or Amazon show. It would be inexpensive to produce and it has good characters, strong atmosphere, and intense emotions, and those are all good things from the point of view of producing a streaming show.

I'll attempt some light analysis, but I won't ask authors if I'm right about their intent first, so you only get my reader impressions on it. As such, I might be wrong about some or all of how I describe a story and its lore. I don't insist on death of the author once a review is up, so authors are welcome and encouraged to comment!

Summary:

Cody, a doctor in a small Canadian town, is injured in a way that kicks off a downward spiral in his physical and mental health.

Whump Vibes:

The reason I chose to review this story is that the vibes are simply immaculate. The author is so fantastic at building mood that I read the whole thing, even though real world stories aren’t usually my cup of tea.

If you want to wallow in that feeling of knowing you're making yourself worse but feeling helpless to change it, of well-meaning friends who don’t get it, of not quite fitting wherever you are, this is perfect for that. Cody knows on some level that he's doing it to himself, but he still can't help it. He's even alienated from chemical solutions to the problem - weed makes him nauseated, he doesn't really seem to like drinking, and a lot of anesthetics also make him sick. On a personal note, I liked seeing a fictional character with problems similar to mine about recreationals, since that's very rare to see in print.

If you’re also a loss of consciousness fan, as I am, there’s a fair amount of that scattered throughout, too, not just the inciting incident. There's a vomiting scene near the end that's fairly graphic, so emetophobes may want to skip this one, since it's an important part of the story's climax.

There are rotating caretakers as different people in this small close-knit community circulate in and out of Cody's life, helping where they can before they go back to their own friends, relationships, and lives. There are moments of comfort, but no catharsis. There are moments of connection, but nothing lasting. This is not just a way to introduce us to more of the cast, it's also a way to emphasize Cody's isolation.

Characters and Setting:

Here we come to the other reason for this review. I grew up in a dry town in Eastern Washington, not a damp and temperate Canadian town, but the feeling of rural inertia, of gradual slow degeneration, is the same: the one storefront that's always empty, the ancient public art fading on walls, the community's gradual drain of youth and talent as people who can get out, do.

This is a fantastic example of an author not using a modern setting to avoid worldbuilding, but instead using that base to build a rich, detailed world. There's nothing supernatural here, but everything feels haunted in a very rural gothic way.

Theme (Mild Spoilers):

I would say the principal theme here is decay. Cody's town decays, his hygiene decays, his physical condition decays as he fails to take care of himself and his injury. His relationships remain, but they are stagnant, the same as they've always been. The accident that opens the story is an example of Cody's attempt to find connection with other people causing him real and lasting pain. Connections form around him, even with his help and approval, but they don't include him.

The ending doesn't bring cleansing and relief. It hints at those things, but we leave Cody worse off than we found him. I sat with this for a while before I came to that conclusion, wondering why I felt disturbed when the characters' tone was always light and practical. This story is actually very dark. The characters just don't necessarily find that surprising or unusual. They live in the same world Cody lives in, and this is a mundane awfulness that doesn't really even provoke horror for them, just mild concern and practical action. They get the thing done and move on. Will Cody actually get better? Maybe. It's definitely not certain.

Final Comments and Recommendation:

I enjoyed this story, but I enjoyed it as horror, a new experience for me with whump content. It's not the horror of blood and gore, which you can easily find around here, including in what I write myself. Nobody dies or even gets permanently maimed. It's a horror of emotional detachment, spiraling inward, creeping dread. It held my attention because of the sheer strength of atmosphere, even though it's a very different approach from other whump stories I've read.

If you're ready for something deeper and darker, for some meaty personal drama and character study with your whump tropes, this is absolutely for you! Go read it right now!

[moonahstone]

(ignore the fact I straight up forgot I had tumblr and pretend I don't disapear regularly)

You've seen the season 5 trailer, I've seen the season 5 trailer, you know my brain is instinctively rotting with no regard to my own health so lets cut to the chase on a run down of said trailer and what the hell I think is going on in it!! Plz excuse the low quality images and if you don't want to see anything from the trailer do not open this next part <3

Something big is coming. Initially my mind went to potential kid at button house but the rest of the trailer kind of had me leaning elsewhere to the idea of them having to move? I'll go into more detail but either or of them feel like they could fit for "life changing" as both having a kid and moving houses are massive steps in life. I'm kind of hoping for the former because there could be a really cute story line there but also the latter is where I'm placing most my bets.

BARCLEY! MY LEAST FAVOURITE AND FAVOURITE GUY AT THE EXACT SAME TIME! I HATE EVERYTHING HE DOES IN A GOOD WAY! No but seriously, Maybe something happens to him and he sees ghosts? Or maybe he just goes snooping a little too much and gets trapped. If so I'd love it if the ghosts tried to mess with him to get him out and we could get a little Jemima back! Though I'm not sure how old her actress is now so it might now work :|

U good Thomas?

I'm feeling like if Cap's backstory is explored here this could be Pat picking fun at him a little on something related to said backstory? Not necessarily but something along those lines. There isn't a lot of context attached to this but I'm kind of hoping it's something like that. It could be nothing though, this line could have been in any season and I would believe you, it is a very them moment. Maybe though its a little exploration of the Cap's sexuality though? I don't personally think he needs one, I think it's better as it is, making it clear that a LGBT character doesn't need to have a whole coming out scene or anything like that to make them valid, more characters who are gay rather than gay characters. I think I've ranted about that before though and how Cap is the kind of rep I want. If it is something like that though, I don't mind, I still love a good bit of rep!

I mean it is what it says on the tin. They are being investigated for the claims regarding the fire. Thus triggers various theories for me, mostly surrounding the fact that that will not go in their favour and will cause financial difficulty but whatever, these claims will control and be the main plot of this series, like how running the guest house was a focus of series 4.

Not entirely sure? Maybe something associated with the previous thing of the fire but whatever it is if it is to do with the fire then maybe some sort of lawsuit is placed against them? MAybe it's assumed that they started the fire on purpose to claim off of it and they're forced to gather money to pay back some kind of fine? I'm not sure of those legalities but it could work and could lead to an ending of them being forced to leave for financial difficulties. On that maybe it's to do with the loans from season 1 that Mike took out and they simply ran short of cash for paying it back. Regardless, it wouldn't be so significant in the trailer if it wasn't important for the series (probably)

... I'm not happy about this but also I am. The clothes, the room dress, this just is a Kitty flashback. Hey maybe it could be Thomas but it couldn't be anyone later. I don't know when the pineapple became more popularised but everyone's shocked, Kitty was shocked at the concept of a pineapple in earlier seasons and just look at what she is wearing. Whatever episode this is in, this has to be the episode where we find out how Kitty dies.

IDK BUT LOOK AT THIS INCREADIBLE SCREENSHOT I TOOK HE LOOKS DEMONIC

Same to the Kitty point. This has got to be Cap dying. Even if it isn't it's a little bit of backstory because he has his lil hat on! I can't read the signs so I am likely missing a huge context lump but the sumary of it's his backstory stuff I think covers the most part. This too will likely shatter my entire soul

Oh boy that's gonna be a stinger. It looks like older decor in a way so could be a flashback to when older ghosts and Robins friends got sucked off (chance for a little Mary appearance??? PLeaSE) but also the floor (maybe because of the low quality) looks kind of dusty and leafy which likely means nothing but to me it associates with the current disrepair Button house is supposed to be in? That is likely (and hopefully) me reading too much into things but if so, I'm going to bawl either way. Regardless, we will see someone else move on, mostly clear due to what Robin was saying over the top (Something like "There is battle to when one of us go whoomf")

Maybe about Alison and Mike leaving? He's trying to lighten the mood? Or talking about peoples deaths? I know lots of people have said Caps death is probably going to be something very silly and if so this would be a likely appropriate response. Or its him talking about his own death and is one of those things trailers do to make them more editable for adverts as it is the last season, going out with a bang is an appropriate little phrase for them to snip in.

I'm absolutely stuck on this theory that Alison and Mike will be forced to leave Button house at this point, hence Kitty's reaction which would be pretty appropriate, 'nough said.

This feels significant. Like REALLLLLY significant and I can't figure out why. Maybe the framing? I have no clue but currently thinking if it is forced to leave, they had until midnight on a specific day to pay money or if not, maybe the time that the captain died? Maybe he died after being attacked or something while wandering around Button house at midnight and Alison finds out after finding him sleepwalking around the house which he has always done but she's never noticed before. Like how Fanny always throws herself out the window. It would work as well because of the time difference as that clock I believe is about 4 hours behind so if he died at midnight then he'd be walking around at about 4 which would be a bit late for people to be up (ordinarily)

Nothing really to add, just reiterating that they all look pretty crushed and defeated in this screenshot - throwing hands at one theory AGAIN

Sorry for how long this was but in summary: I think the gate house burning will cause massive financial problems for Alison and Mike and they will spend the entire season trying to fix these problem but be unsuccessful. We know how heart-breaking this show can be after all. It would lead to a very tragic but very round ending where Alison and Mike are forced to leave via financial difficulties and they are forced to say goodbye to the ghosts and there could be a heart-breaking scene as they pull away and the ghosts run after the car like children following their parents down the road. The though crushes me a little but I feel like the most logical ending is that they have to leave. If that is how it ends though I think the last line should go to Julian awkwardly standing there as everyone's sobbing and he just kind of goes "... Now what?" I don't know why, I just think it would be funny :D

[steampunkforever]

My Delta Green character finally killed mothman using his Mothman Killing Gun, and despite some pretty devastating damage managed to make it through our mission alive. I will be retiring him until 9/11 happens (his fault either directly or through foreign interventions he led in the 1990s)

In tabletop games the desires of the player can often conflict with the parameters set by the game system. D&D in many ways wants you to play an enchanted murder hobo, and playing some sort of pacifist elf made of glass who only heals only serves to frustrate everyone. I'm notorious for playing a Paladin who does not use magic so I can't say I haven't been on the wrong side of this, but when I created my character for Delta Green I had a very specific formula in mind, only to find out that Delta Green (a game system I'd never played before) fit him the way a round peg does a square hole.

Leveling so hard into a combat role is great for contact, but when most of the game (albeit an atypical duration instance) is snooping around and running investigation, one starts to wonder if a more forensics focused support role would've been better. He was combat as a support function, and I made sure to make sure he never took much as far as leadership, making him more of a hammer to be swung. This was something he was good at when it came to moving with violence, but again, in an op taking place on US soil full of innocent civilians that would get us in trouble if they saw our characters making kills, not something we could unleash my character on very many times.

Yet when we unleashed him? No better op to do so on than a sequence requiring small unit tactics, two-man CQB, demolitions work, and using the BM59 for exactly what Beretta intended: Blowing Mothman to shreds.

Killing Mothman was largely the work of the team leader, who critted on a shotgun blast that took a significant chunk of health away from the monster, but my character landed the killing blow, making use of a heavy battle rifle (my initial pick because I knew exactly what monster we were going up against, I'll admit) finally worth it on an operation that made it otherwise impractical (previous to this we'd used it once before on the only other time having a CIA doorkicker was a good idea for the team) compared to a light rifle or shotgun.

I'm extremely pleased with the character and happy I got him where he was, mostly intact and fully alive. I think for the next games I'm going to pick a slightly different character, maybe one that aligns with a more active influence on team command structure or perhaps one that moves more in the direction of proper support. We'll see, maybe the next game needs us to bring heavy artillery to a knife fight again.

[turtle-toe]

My experience with and opinion on fat acceptance

I am currently 16 years old and 5'6, 169 pounds. I need to tell my story.

I've been fat or chubbier my entire life due to poor eating habits taught to me early on. "Oh, you want thirds on that giant plate of yours? Sure, go right ahead." But I never really noticed until about 5th grade and really got self conscious in 6th grade. But, I was healthy. I'd say I was around 5'3 and 155-160 pounds. I moved around a lot, I was running with no thought about breath control every day at recess. But I still sucked in my guy and wore giant shirts so no one could see the shape of my body. Then, Covid hit.

I gained what i thought was so much weight during lockdown, as everyone else did too, as well as my oh so quirky mental illnesses. I was at 168 and it made me feel horrible. But not in the health way but the outer appearance way. Then I discovered fat acceptance.

I went from sucking in my gut to being sucked into a harmful mindset that I cannot change but that's okay.

Now, I have to give the movement credit where it's due; it both positively and negatively affected me. The negative part was that i gained about 20 pounds. I got to 180. The positive was that I gained confidence that I desperately needed. I started to not care as much about what I thought people would think, I started to wear more form fitting clothes, I started to even wear two piece swimsuits. But that 20 pounds felt absolutely horrible. And after about two years in the fat acceptance movement, I finally got out of it.

I finally stopped blaming everyone else, either for not being "fat positive" or for being the ones who made me fat. I finally stopped thinking the "naturally" skinny girls were my worst enemy. I finally stopped blaming my genetics. I finally realized just how much I was grossly overeating. I finally saw just how bad I was and how the path I was taking would've lead me to major health problems and an unhappy life filled with resentment and bitterness.

So I took that confidence given to me by the movement and I used it to better myself. After many ups and downs, I managed to get down to 162. I've gained 7 pounds back but I'm trying my best to be consistent. And this health journey started because I wanted to be healthier and just feel better, mostly because I wanted to justify it because I thought that it was wrong of me to want to lose weight to look a certain way. But honestly, fuck that. I don't care if it's fat phobic of me to want my own body to be smaller. So, health is a priority for me but I will be damned if I don't start looking the way I want.

And I tagged this with so many of these fat acceptance tags because I know for damn sure that I would've needed this post three years ago. To hear how it affected someone close to my age. So to anyone who is feeling like shit because you feel as though you can't lose weight or you don't feel as pretty as others; you can do this. You're absolutely gorgeous and handsome and pretty and interesting no matter how you look. But please, please, please don't take to the fat acceptance movement as a way go block out and ignore your insecurities. It doesn't work, it will only get worse. I lost those 17 pounds just by eating a few more vegetables and very inconsistent exercise. I realize everyone is different but it's way easier than you think it is.

Please, y'all, take care of yourselves.

[meirimerens]

do you have any headcanons for pathologic characters having mental disorders and/or neurodivergency? from what i can tell from your ATA fanfic, Burakh probably has posttraumatic stress disorder. (as well as, well, Mishka being canonically stated to be autistic.) so what are your thoughts?

boy do i. throwing in other stuff that's not necessarily a mental health condition or neurodivergency but that i think affects them like brain-wise + for me to rember lol.

In general basically Most people in this town from an atmosphere of social misery have a little Something Something. most are grieving and some are Poorly Coping with a shit past, whether it is because of abandonment, loss, grief, so on and so forth. the plague adds More Grief and hands out PTSD like corn to the hens. some who have like. Syndromes that could be brought to a psychiatrist i can think of

Burakh: PTSD (war medic lore + The Plague Bro) + might lend him some Prolonged Grief Disorder if i feel like it

Dankovsky: i don't think how he is pre-Events comes from pathologies i think he's just a closeted gay male in academia, that plays a number with your mind (the self-aggrandizing and prideful behavior of being a know-it-all man in academia + the fear, restlessness and paranoia that comes with having to keep your homosexuality secret -> combo of evil). develops PTSD thorough the game, mostly becomes Twitchy, reckless behaviors, intrusive thoughts, and then it settles in post-events like nightmares flashbacks the usual

Rubin: PTSD (soldier/mercenary p1 lore) like shell-shock PTSD which in my mind's eye translates into obsessions/intrusive thoughts. he also has a lil Something Something from having had Not The Best parental figure and having to fight for recognition until he burned himself but i'm not sure what Diagnosis that is. it's just Shit's Fucked Diagnosis. self-esteem in the dumps.

Petr: i go back and forth between bipolar, bipolar schizophrenic, schizoaffective, like i haven't settled on something yet, but bipolar (or bipolar-like, like the "mood disorder" of schizoaffective) is a given (mixed episode in P1 and depressive episode in P2 if you care). obviously addiction. i go back and forth if i see the hallucinations/delusions he has as something from the bipolar disorder, from the addiction, from something else entirely... very hefty and powerful game so all if fair. + The Guilt. (might become paranoid from that)

Andrey: i don't know if i want him to Just Be Like This or for whatever his problem is to be pathological. someone infused in me an ADHD diagnosis for him and while i go back and forth he strikes me as the kind of guy who behaves better on Ritalin. but is it because of a neurodivergency or because he just loves drugs. much to think about. + The Guilt (might become paranoid from that too but ykno. "motor activity eliminates mental activity"...)

Anna: Girl's Scared Disorder. i'd say paranoia but is it paranoia if they're really after you... ykwim. Obdurate/insular paranoid, but is it truly pathological if walls having eyes is like not out of the reach of possibilities... etc

Katerina: canon addiction and what that brings. i think hers pushes her mostly to depressive episodes instead of aggressive/exteriorizing ones.

all of the orphans, by virtue of being orphans, have some kind of Issue, because not being socialized properly/cared for/living in social and psychological neglect like Does A Number on your brain regardless. most of them kids got that SLS (Shit Life Syndrome)

Mishka: her canon autism + methinks an attachment disorder because it fits with the timeline of her losing her parents around 3 of age. Prolonged Grief Disorder too perhaps? much to think about

Notkin: Tourette's, mostly motor tics. + a dys, i was shared the hc of dyslexia and i think i'll espouse it. i also think his family life was kinda shit + living in the streets is Actively Dangerous so like. (C)PTSD? i think it's The Least Of His Problems but it mostly makes him twitchy, doesn't dare get much sleep, needs to never have anyone or anything behind his back, stuff like that

Grace: some kind of FASD (fetal alcohol syndrome disorder) since her mother canonically drank while pregnant with her, i think hers mostly manifests as memory problems and learning/speech disabilities (also doesn't help that. orphan), poor reasoning and judgment skills & vision problems. all of those are also wrapped in the package of like. not having been properly socialized as a child

^ shit life syndromes

[nancypullen]

Fitness or Fatness

Ugh. I'm healthy, at least on paper. I'm in my 60's and don't require any meds to stay alive. I am a shining example of good luck and good genetics. It's certainly not because I am dedicated to fitness or diet. I mean, I try. I just don't try very hard. I eat healthy, but i am also a fan of tasty snacks. I walk for exercise, but not like I should.

Unfortunately, I am at an age where I really need to make some choices that will keep me healthy and mobile for a long time. Odds are that I'll get quite old (the women in my family live forever) and I want to be able to do the things I like. That's pretty much just gardening and shopping, I'm not trying to run marathons or anything, but still. Having said all of that, the mister and I drove over to Centreville today to check out the new YMCA. It's a big, beautiful facility that offers everything from water aerobics to kickboxing. There are plans in place for an outdoor pool as well. We toured the various sections, talked to the sweetest young woman about membership, and I think we're going to give it a whirl. After my ankle surgery a few years ago I used to water jog in the pool of our nearest rec center. It was such great exercise and so easy on my joints, a doctor recommended therapy. At the Y I'd be able to participate in water aerobics or just take an open lane and water jog. Not gonna' lie, the water aerobics appeal to me because the women in those classes are usually such fun. Potential friends? Back in Tennessee it was sure a fun group. now all I have to do is blow the dust off my swimsuits and see if I can still shove everything into place. I may need counseling afterward. The YMCA in Centerville is about 17 miles from our house - mostly through cornfields. This was a nice surprise during the drive. Sunflowers!

Aren't they beautiful? So cheerful. I hesitate to say that my gardens are trying to rally. I still have the world's healthiest tomato plant that has never produced fruit, but everything else is blooming and looking pretty (finally!). My pumpkin plants are thriving and I'm cautiously optimistic. I've just cursed myself, haven't I? At this point I'd sell my soul for one pretty pumpkin for the grandgirl to pick. Crossing my fingers. That's all my news for this Tuesday evening. Not much happens around here. We're on our sofas, watching the U.S. women's gymnastics team dominate at the Olympics. They're flying through the air and flipping and twisting, powered by sculpted muscle. I'm in my stretchy pants saying, "I think she stepped out on that landing..." Yep, might be time for me to get to the Y and build a little muscle myself. But first, a cookie... I hope you're doing something good for yourself. You deserve it, and you'll be glad you did. No one ever said they regretted making healthy choices. Taking care of your body doesn't mean worrying about pant size or numbers on a scale - it's about feeling good, moving well, and being strong. That's priceless. I don't need to have a snatched waist, I need to be able to hike to the Sacre Coeur in Paris. I don't need to be a size 2, I need to be able to run for a train with my bag. Living the life I want has nothing to do with my figure and everything to do with my health. Take this advice from an old crone, younger ladies - focus on what you want to do and not how you want to look. We live in a society determined to convince us that no matter how we look it is never quite good enough, so just ignore that. Sure, slap on your lipstick and a cute outfit, but anchor all of that with how you feel. All the makeup in the world can't compete with the glow of good health. I'll be honest, I haven't felt great since we moved here. Two years of feeling unwell, or just...not like myself. I blamed covid, I blamed menopause, I researched all sorts of supplements, I did everything except take care of myself. It shows. The good news is that it's not too late. I got sweaty on the treadmill this morning and felt better all day long. It truly is that simple, all we have to do is start. Sending out so much love tonight, I hope you feel it. Take care of yourself. Stay safe, stay well. XOXO, Nancy

[dollarbin]

Dollar Bin #37:

Michael Penn's March

Here's another story. Again, mostly true.

In 8th grade I got a bad case of Chicken Oak.

Never heard of Chicken Oak? It's what you get when you are a pimply, insecure and pale skinned 8th grader who is forever crazy about a girl named Anjanette and you get a bad case of poison oak from fooling around outside your grandparents' ranch house in the San Gabriel mountains, a case so bad you have to miss school and spend your days instead slathering your pubescent 90 pound body with oatmeal-type concoctions which do not help and you can't sleep for days at a time and are starting to climb out your bedroom window at 2am and wander around your neighborhood while listening to your poorly-dubbed-from-the-library copy of The Cure's Disintegration on your primitive walkman and so your parents, concerned about your illness and Robert Smith's whole vibe, take you to Urgent Care and have you shot up with steroids to utterly silence your raging immune system but, little did you or anyone else know, your younger siblings were all just exposed to the Chicken Pox and you were born in the 70's, long before there was a vaccine, and you've never had that ridiculous childhood disease, so a few days later you've added a disabled immune system's mammoth version of the pox to the oak and you're no longer a pimply and insecure 8th grader; rather you are the elephant man in a full blown teenage health crisis: one eye is literally swollen over into a giant pulsating wound and every inch of you is leaning into shivering panic.

That's the Chicken Oak, folks: a formative illness indeed.

It takes a month of living in the late 80's with the condition to discover that at 2am some vampire takes over control of MTV, removes the Fine Young Cannibals from the rotation and plays obscure stuff instead, the kind of music you'll never encounter on the Top 20 Countdown with this guy.

And that's how you discover Michael Penn.

I loved this song from the first moment I saw the video, and I spent the rest of my sleepless month with the poison poxs trying to catch it on air again.

Part of the attraction was its illusive (at least to 14 year old me) lyrics. Penn struck me as a sensitive and bashful poet with a record contract who was terribly alluring to all thoughtful ladies; but he also read deep books and sang passionately about both topics - he basically embodied my ideal future.

I knew about Romeo in a basic sense: he was one of Shakespeare's teenagers and he surely gave some big deal speeches in a play I'd never seen nor read; he was the kinda guy who climbed his lady friends' balconies and died tragically for love, just like I too might one day die for the love of sweet Anjanette, except I'd probably never see her again because I was surely disfigured for life and therefore would soon be forced to relocate to a cave in Brazil where I'd live under an assumed name and terrify children from the village.

But who the hell was Heathcliff? Judging by the video and the song's overall sweet vibe I felt pretty sure this way cooler brother to Sean wasn't singing about the Garfield rip off.

I wanted to track Michael Penn down and claim him as my new and now surely, after my month of isolation, only friend: what books should I read, Michael? How do you make your hair look so cool? Why doesn't my six string sound like yours? And is that a drum machine playing in your song? Are drum machines even ethical, Michael? Should I get black jeans? If so, where? Help me, Michael!

Before my month of misery was up I weaseled my anxious mother into going to Sam Goody without me and buying me March, Penn's debut album, on tape. Then I played it nonstop.

The whole record sounded homemade and majestic, a fitting soundtrack addition alongside the aforementioned Disintergration and Shooting Rubberbands at the Stars for the day long bikes rides I began to take as my entire face crusted over and started to harden up, like a rotten egg regrowing its shell.

Every song seemed like an entire world on its own, the melancholic yet catchy choruses waking up bits of what would become my future self. I knew what it was like to sleep on a bed of nails;

I too wanted a place in the brave new world.

I began to heal as Spring drew to a close: the sores became scabs; I was hideous and doomed, but no longer a literal danger to others. I watched midnight MTV out of habit, not necessity, and No Myth fell out of the 2am rotation.

I pictured my return to school with dread: my friends would have moved on; they were nice guys so they'd pretend to welcome me back, but I'd slip away, leaving them relieved: the disfigured can claim no place in a middle school. And so I planned to make my way to the far end of the school's middle level at breaks, the spot on campus where the deepest misfits and poor special ed kids gravitated so as to rock in place, weeping, drooling and laughing without cause. They'd be glad to have me. For the rest of my life. That cave in Brazil was just a pipe dream.

But then, miracles unfolded.

First, Michael Penn returned to MTV for a second split second. Seriously: I really believe this video was only shown once on the network. It was 2am and I was the only person watching. Join me, won't you? Let's give it its second showing of all time:

Okay, I hear you. Jimi Hendrixs Michael is not. And the actor brought in to air strum the bass is an embarrassment. And yes, there is no explanation whatsoever for the creep in the foreground, and I cannot explain any of the plot here to you.

But come on: check out that lady defying gravity! Note how nothing of substance musically occurs in the last 30 seconds; they just keep playing the same, slow and sweet keyboard hook. And admit it: Michael looks more like Hugh Grant's sibling than Sean's. Maybe there was a mix up in the hospital or something. Wow, I still really love this stuff.

When that first and only showing of the video ended I stood up, defiant. I turned MTV off and, basically, never watched it again. Suddenly it seemed like there were more important things to do.

And when I climbed on my bike a day or two later, ready for the first return to school, that same sense still surged in me. I didn't know what to call it, but it felt good. I picked up my buddy Matt on the ride in and joyfully told him to not worry about it when he asked what the plan was for, you know, explaining my face. Being a thoroughly excellent human being, he trusted me and asked no further questions.

"Yeah, I've got herpes," I happily declared to all 614 of the 8th graders who stared at me that day. "I've got it pretty bad!"

Here's a secret, Dollar Binners, a secret you are welcome to pass on to anyone you know who's still in middle school: when faced with teenage adversity it's time to go big and be weird or just fold up and whimper. I did the former, and I've tried doing it ever since.

Matt, and the few other people who mattered, stuck with me that day. In fact they thought my whole approach was pretty awesome. Together we gave up on being popular and settled for joyful instead. We turned up Michael Penn and embraced our own individual selves, scabs and all.

P.S. As you can tell from the stock photo in the opening, this is a record I don't yet own. And my 80's tape is long, long gone. Someday I will come across a copy of March in the Dollar Bin. It will be tattered and unloved, full of skips and crunches. It will be wonderful.

[hibernationsuit-remade]

📻 + toby and klara! :]

YEAAAAA thank you!!! <3

oc song ask game

For Tobias, I gotta mention I Feel Loved by Depeche Mode, because nothing really makes him feel more happier than being supported, when people enjoy being around him, and basically, feeling like he's loved? Back when he was a teen/young adult, Toby never really felt like he was loved unconditionally and always seemed to have to do something to be loved by others, and that has definitely done things to the poor guy's mental health.

Finding people that actually care about him and love him definitely made him feel much better, though maybe even a bit scared of it, too.

From the depths of my emptiness Comes a feeling of inner bliss I feel wanted, I feel desired I can feel my soul on fire

For Klara, I've recently added Who Are You, Really? by Mikki Ekko, mostly due to how it fits the part of the story I'm currently rotating in my brain :3c Basically Klara, who's been working for one of the story corporations, Macowski/Mackie, for almost twenty years, finally gets tired of all the bullshit that it is doing & how it has handled some things (especially the whole situation with Toby's ex-job lmaoooo), and decides to leave, which is definitely going to be difficult + cause lots of problems hahaha... :'^)

How I see it is that 1) Klara "gets free" from Mackie's control, AND 2) also gets to go a bit against them. teehee.

Now you're moving on and you say you're alone Suspicious that this string is moving your bones

I've got nothing left to prove 'Cause I've got nothing left to lose See me bare my teeth for you See me bare my teeth

FUNNY THING BTW i'm going to be honest i do Not have couple playlists bc i barely ever think about it or listen to any romantic songs, BUT my summer goal is to maybe make one idk BFBFBFBBXXB

THAT SAID!!!! I do definitely see Black Celebration by Depeche Mode as something that could definitely be on their playlist :) How I see it is that they're both a bit exhausted/in a bad place bc of their jobs, worried about the world and stuff like that, and getting to be together, spend time together, is something that is very important to them and that makes them both feel better right away <3

To celebrate the fact That we've seen the back of another black day

I want to take you in my arms Forgetting all I couldn't do today

As a bonus, I'd also add that Klara's day is often saved at least a little by Toby's optimistic view of the world, which is why this whole thing fits so well HEHE

I look to you, how you carry on when all hope is gone Can't you see? Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to someone like me

[ceterisparibus116]

First off, thank you for answering my ask about when law student internships take place vs what we see in Daredevil! I've ended up going with how they do it in the show (after graduation vs during law school) due to timeline issues, which brings me to my ask:

How common (and/or feasible) is it to not go directly from undergrad to law school? I'm trying to figure out if I want to either

1. Make Matt Murdock a few years younger than most info I've found on him suggests he is (this is for Netflix Daredevil), because we know for certain he met Foggy when starting law school in 2010, which fits for finishing in Spring 2013, then would have them leave L&Z around Spring 2014, just in time for season 1 to start around late summer/early fall 2014. If we assume he goes right from undergrad to law school, then he'd have started undergrad in fall 2006, and if we assume he went right to undergrad after highschool and finished high school 'on time', then that would put his birth year as 1988 (assuming the school district bases age/grade restrictions on calendar year vs academic).

Or

2. Have him be the age the stuff I'm finding suggests, which has him born in 1985, and thus pad in the years somewhere - maybe grade school for life event related reasons, or maybe between schools (high-undergrad or undergrad-grad). For the purposes of the fic I'm writing, having that come between undergrad and law school would make the most sense, but I'd like that to be something that would actually happen (and not for special deferment programs - essentially he'd take a couple years off for mental health reasons, not for a project or job).

TBH, I'm leaning more towards having it all go straight through so he's 28 during Defenders (fall 2016) instead of 31 (which most seem to agree he is), because it simplifies my life lol, but I figure I'll hit all my bases and see what works best overall.

Thank you again! 💜

Of course! Happy to help!

It's very common to not go directly from undergrad to law school. Now, that's mostly for people who got another job after undergrad because they hadn't yet realized they wanted to go to law school at all, and then they attend law school later in life to start a new career.

However, other people might spend a year or two after undergrad for any number of reasons, such as to work and save up for law school (which is incredibly expensive even with scholarships), and I could see Matt doing that. Other people might want to travel (which...yeah, I don't see Matt doing that lol). Still others might need to take time off to recover from the stress of undergrad.

Personally, I'd say it makes most sense for Matt to go straight from undergrad to law school. He's known he wants to be a lawyer for years; he's not going to travel the world; and though perhaps he should take a year off in-between to get some therapy or something, I absolutely do not believe that's something he'd actually do.

You can go either way in your fic, but I'd say keeping him younger makes more sense.

And besides, it's your fic - my motto with fics is "you can do anything you can justify," and I definitely think you can justify this.

After all, the only fact about DD's timeline that we can all agree upon is that it makes zero sense.

[yandere-sins]

🎈💞☯️ love your works for, wapecially for the COD 💕

Oh, thank you so much!! I am glad you enjoy them just as much as me ♥

🎈describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

Oh, it definitely changes a lot, especially when I learn about things I've been doing wrong so I proceed to use them much more to do it right, lol. Jokes aside, I think depending on how I feel things happen to be either more descriptive or more fast-paced. I don't really have a set style, though I've been told I have an interesting way of describing sometimes (which comes from my native language I think). That one seems to resurface often lol.

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

Characters! While I love my plot ideas, they are mostly suited to a character, not the other way around. My grammar isn't something to brag about either, but I'd never post anything if I would let that stop me lol. World-building can be fun, occasionally I find it tedious ^^'

So yeah, characters. I love thinking of how x would react and what y would do and how that ends up in the direction I want the plot to go. That's why I try around with my yandere characters a few times too, and then eventually settle on a personality that I like so I can put them into the ideal situations for them! While I think fleshing out OCs is very hard, it's also very rewarding and very, very fun. So yeah, thinking about the characters and their feelings/actions is the most fun/important part for me in writing.

☯️how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

Honestly I don't engage as much as I would like with others. I am also guilty of liking things I want to comment on and reblog and then forgetting them ;; However, it is definitely the right thing to do, not just if you want to build your blog but also to grow with your interest.

I think it's really important to interact with like-minded people, even just for your mental health and building a support system. But it's also super rewarding to comment on each others posts and chat about ideas! Seeing someone reply to what I said always makes me feel very giddy! Just knowing that maybe my comment made someone happy because they read what I thought, also makes me happy in return!

Something that is very important though, which maybe is hard to understand is that engagement = friendship. You guys never need to exchange a message in your life, but if you frequently come up in someone's notifs they will notice you and they'll appreciate you all the same. You're not besties because of that or need to feel obligated to chat or get a response, but it can also just be a silent support that will be appreciated just as much. It's also very likely they'll check your page and things will go from there. If a friendship forms that's great! But engagement doesn't need to be overly emotional to be good engagement.

Starting is always the hardest part so I recommend just reblogging posts that fit your blog and that you like, then you can move on to leaving comments and engaging with someone's projects (like taking part in prompt lists they created or tell them how much you enjoy their works). Also I found that if someone has a question and you message them privately it can lead to a nice chat (even if it's just short!) and both of you go out of it a little happier! :D (But please get to the point of why you are writing someone out of the blue so it's not too awkward, don't just send them a "hey" message ^^')

[Ask game]

[cyanidefilledcandy]

So....

I would absolutely love to stream right now, but I'm inable to.

One, because of whatever LOVELY person is blasting music like this is a fucking rave.

And two, and most importantly, I just am exhausted and don't have the energy for it; even after just waking up from a 1 and half nap.

And of course, I've narcolepsy to thank for that.

So, I recently went to a neurologist. I was hoping to finally get my face pain addressed and hopefully, diagnosed. But my new primary instead set me up with a sleep specialist. (I did not ask for, nor want this, btw. As I told the new sleep doctor, Narcolepsy is something I've just learned to live with and I'm manage it fine. It is not the severe, fall asleep at a split second kind, so I see no harm.) However, since my sleep study was so long ago and he'd likely be unable to get the records, he set me up with another that I had done last week. He said it might be something I have to "just deal with anymore" because that's been almost 15 years ago and medicine has advanced since then. He also said that there was a possibility I'd been diagnosed through process of elimination or that no other diagnosis fit at the time. So, I agreed, mainly for that last reason and because I was just curious.

So, I had it done and in it, I slept WAY better than normal and during the day, I couldn't sleep at all. (They ask you take naps throughout the day and only give you 20 minutes to do so. I don't care how tired I am, I could be literally passing out while standing, it I HAVE to sleep and especially if I know I have a small amount of time to do so, I can NOT sleep....like no matter what.) So, I was worried that the results wouldn't be accurate, one. And two, that I WASN'T actually narcoleptic and their was something else unexplainable going on (and thus, I'd have to start the process all over again).

Well, got the results today and I am 100% narcoleptic, though at this point in my life, that's a big Duh, but finding out what's wrong with me is always nerve-wracking. Anyway, they want to try me on some new medication for wakefulness during the day and......honestly, it's the whole reason why I didn't want to bother with any type of sleep study.

I'm not entirely sure why that kind of medication in particular makes me nervous. (And just now starting to wonder if I did indeed try some before and had a bad time because I honestly can't remember.)

But I think for one, it's a new medication. I have ALWAYS HATED medication with a passion and never want to be on too many pills.

Two, I'm worried about my insomnia. She mentioned that the staying awake or alert throughout the day can sometimes improve insomnia, but I'm 91% sure my insomnia is mostly anxiety and depression based. She also mentioned that getting regulated sleep can sometimes help with that....and that leads to another, unforseeable problem that arose.

They made me sign some kind of controlled substance contract and while I did scan through it and think I have a basic understanding, I have so many other issues that are far more pressing and I don't want to have issue with medications for those way more important things because I'm on some stimulant that I honestly don't want to be on. While my sleep definitely has an effect on my mental health, no part of me believes it's a CAUSE.

I have had mental health issues since I was a toddler; long, long before any type of sleep issues arose. So, *sigh*.....IDK. The whole thing just makes me nervous....

But, I AM willing to try. Maybe it DOES have an effect on my issues with my concentration and being able to complete tasks, especially my artistic pursuits (though again, I don't think it's the root). I will give it the college try, but if it keeps me up at night, or I just don't feel like it's doing anything, I will stop.