#mostly because my dad was constantly pressuring me to and I didn’t like that

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

The HORROR of hearing your little five-year-old voice singing awkwardly along to a pristine backing track because your dad was just dying to shove you in front of a mic and produce a song as soon as you could enunciate words semi-intelligibly.

[the-winds-of-destiny-xxx]

Gonna start being a brave girl and logging what happened during my day (when I feel like it) as text posts rather than tags so here goes 😭.

Work

Work wasn’t too bad today. Only did a half day so it wasn’t nearly as tiring as the 12 hour shifts. Was assigned a 1.1 today which means I was in a patient’s room with them all day monitoring their pulse, tidal vols and oxygen levels and making two sets of notes. The more detailed set was taken every 30 mins and the less detailed set every hour. They are fairly easy to take care of. Unfortunately they’re mostly bed bound but they like music so I put on lots of songs for them throughout the day to keep them entertained. They usually wave their hands in the air and shake their head when they hear a song they enjoy which I find quite sweet. Also I make sure to keep their hair brushed and skin moisturised throughout the day.

Whenever I’m assigned to that patient my work crush tends to pass by their room a lot and then we’ll make awkward eye contact with the odd smile lmao. Sometimes light convo if he’s feeling brave that day 😭.

Uni

Still haven’t got a reply from my personal tutor regarding the exams I messed up. I’m hoping they don’t fuck up my ability to pass the course overall. Dad has said that I shouldn’t worry and that if I have to repeat the year he’ll pay my tuition but I don’t want to have to repeat the year. I just feel so shit because it was poor mental health that made me fuck those exams up. I was in a really bad place, doubting my capability and didn’t bother submitting an MCF because I thought my mental health wouldn’t be taken seriously as the people in charge of it seem reluctant to give out extensions, allow you to defer etc but we’ll see how it goes.

Kinda scared for this essay coming up but I’ve been working hard to make sure I do detailed analyses of the papers supporting my arguments so I’m hoping it goes well.

Mood

Feeling so weird rn. My mood is shifting from anxious and depressed to emptiness. I can be hard on myself sometimes but it’s because I’m constantly thinking about where I’m from (3rd world country where most are unable to continue their education past college due to finance issues) and where I want to be (neuropsychologist or something similar). Most people in that field don’t even look like me and the odds never feel like they’re in my favour so it stresses me out but I don’t want to give up.

I’ve also deleted hinge and bumble lmao. I always say it will be the last time but I think this time it actually is. I think if I meet someone it’s gonna have to be organically. Not gonna put any pressure on it. It will happen when it happens.

[that-pissed-off-tolkien-blogger]

Okay so here’s the work update

So, I believe I posted that I got my appendix out earlier this year. That was a whole fiasco with me being in the hospital twice and missing a bit over a week of work. When I came back from work, no one had told me I needed to get doctor clearance to be back even though the person I would have sent it to WATCHED ME LEAVE WORK AT LUNCH FOR EMERGENCY SURGERY! This bitch would continue to be a fucking problem. Anyway, so work made me use all of my leave even though I was like “no don’t pay me I need my leave for something else.”

Fast forward to me putting in my leave for that something else, my study abroad in Scotland. It was roughly a two week study abroad, but I said fuck it I’m gonna stay in London a few extra days after, I deserve it - not that I told work that. I put my leave in and turns out someone is already off at the same time. In my request I put “for mandatory study abroad class”, implying I didn’t have a choice and this leave was happening no matter what. I get an email from that same dumb cunt as before saying “we can’t let you take this, someone is already out then and it’s too long.” I email back with “as per my initial time off request, this is for a mandatory study abroad for a Master’s Program and I have no control over the duration or the time” - corporate speak for “can you fucking read?” So a huff and a fuss later and they allow it because it’s a school thing, but in the meeting about it I am told to my face, in slightly round about words, that if I am off for anything other than illness or something unexpected like a death in the family, I will be fired.

Now, this would not be a problem except for the fact that prior to even being hired at this place my dad had booked and paid for most of the family to go on a cruise - literally everything was paid for including airfare and excursions and it came to around $40k which is basically my entire fucking salary after taxes. So, no way was I going to miss that - ironically I ended up sick and missing half the cruise anyway but that’s a story for later.

Anyway, now I basically have a death sentence over my head. But I keep chugging along with the plan to quit while I’m in Scotland. That’s when work starts getting worse. I was taking three classes at the time, which for a Master’s Program is pretty much full time. I am also working full time and I’m doing catch up work for school after being hospitalized and incapacitated for the second half of the first week of school and the first half of the second week, so two weeks for all intents and purposes. I’m also healing from surgery so I should be resting. Nope, I’m constantly running on 2-4hrs of sleep, which is not healthy normally and an absolutely terrible idea if you’re supposed to be healing.

I’d been doing a bit of homework at work at this time, but mostly saving it for lunch and then the odd small thing during large gaps between patients. Because of the lack of time and pressure I started working on homework all the time between patients. Note, another one of my coworkers was also in school for some kind of a nursing license (LPN, RN idk). So what happens, you ask? Well, I start getting scolded by the head nurse for doing homework. MEANWHILE she and the other nurse were FUCKING HELPING THE OTHER GIRL WITH HER CLASSWORK IN FRONT OF PATIENTS. Double standard much? I didn’t give a fuck so I kept doing homework but the “you better not be doing homework back there” and “are you doing homework” got old real fucking fast.

The end of my semester was in sight so I was under the gun in school and dealing with going in every day to a work environment where I was being treated poorly by the people I worked closest with - FYI the docs? Yeah they were all onboard with me doing homework at work and would say things like “you have to get it done whenever you can”. So finally, I said fuck it. There’s no way I can finish all of what I need to read and do before the end of the semester and go to work if at work during my fucking downtime I can’t do homework - and by downtime I do mean I had done everything in the office I could including restocking and cleaning like I made fucking sure that everything work related that could get done was done. And then one morning I got dressed for work, drove to my mother’s and then quit via email, shut my phone off, and went to sleep on her sofa.

Anyway that’s if. If anyone has questions or needs elaboration on something lmk. Anon is always on.

[frequentrandomboners]

12.21.2024 [A CALM INTROSPECTIVE RANT]

My last relationship was in 2019. I deal with anxiety and depression by running and working out every single day. My diet is mostly Keto. I have ADHD so my eyes are constantly looking around the room all the time. I worry that it sometimes makes people I just met not trust me when I’m speaking with them. 

Most of my time is dedicated to my career as a full time photographer. I play guitar in my spare time. I also like to longboard and paddle board during Summer. 

I live in a 1 bd apartment in Overlook district of PDX. I have a dirty mind and find it very difficult to talk about my fantasies and desires with someone I have feelings with and care about. I would like to cuddle up and snuggle while talking about life and shit. 

My biggest problem is I tend to disagree a lot. I also often feel an innate need to defend myself because I’m insecure. I get both of these character flaws from my dad, whom I love for being my dad, but also hate because he never listens to anyone, and so I have a problem listening to others also.

My ex said I remind her of a “trained dog”. I don’t know what that means. The best way for a lover to calm me, if we’re trying to be a couple, is she comes in close, wraps her arms around me and gently says in my ear, something along the lines of “hey, I’m not against you”, or “hey, let me have this win”, or “hey, we don’t talk to each other like that”, or “hey, we’re on the same side remember”. She just gently reminds me what’s at stake (our relationship). This breaks me out of my tunnel vision and reflexive need to argue extremely well.

And since only a girl can do this, my guy friends bridges are all burnt up. I don’t have any deep connection friends. Most of my peers are married, have kids, buying/selling houses, and working normal careers. I do not want those things.

I want to travel, and get my trips to pay for themselves. The best thing about my photography business is I can take it with me anywhere. Unfortunately, there is also a lot of stigma around male photographers who photograph women. It’s extremely hard to put myself out there without also getting a lot of hate, especially now that I’m no longer a kid fresh out of a high school. It was so much easier when people had zero expectations about me. No standards I had to meet.

I haven’t celebrated my birthday since I was 12. That was the best birthday party I was ever going to have and I decided I didn’t want to try to top it. But these days I don’t celebrate my birthday for a different reason. I hate that I’m getting older. It gets harder every year to look in the mirror and know I didn’t accomplish some of the dreams I had as a child.

People care less and less about me. They expect more and more of me to be self sufficient, have no emotions, and there’s intense pressure to be a lone wolf, Superman, who doesn’t ever need anything, all of the time.

There’s no one to talk to. I can’t afford to find a good therapist. I am shamed for that.

When I was a kid, I could make seemingly infinite mistakes. Resilience came naturally and with the territory of being young. But as a full grown man, no one gives second chances. The stakes are always so much higher. And as an individual person, mistakes, trial/error, fucking around and finding out, that is how I have always learned. Until now. These days every failure feels like the end of the road.

[confused-n-queer]

Does anyone have advice for feeling safe in your body? I wasn’t raped or molested as a child (to the best of my recollection) but I was constantly afraid of someone raping me from very early on. This only worsened when I from the ages of 11-13 me and my peers were forced to attend a fitness class where our teacher was a known pedophile who would stare at us and touch us inappropriately under the guise of correcting our form. I had a visceral reaction to the gym shorts I had bought because they showed too much leg for me to be safe from his gaze and they felt contaminated and like they’d hurt me. I have had trouble relaxing and feeling aroused off and on for years, meditating gave me violent panic attacks in high school because I was convinced a phantom or ghost would rape, posses or murder me if I let myself be fully vulnerable, which again was a recurrent intrusive thought/sensation I had been experiencing since early childhood despite no memory of or evidence of sexual assault. I thought I got better after years of exposure therapy aka laying down flat with my hands palm up while trying to relax and not dissociate or panic. I was good,mostly for a few years but now I’ve started listening to ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ and it’s like Im back at square one. My sleep is restless and I can’t experience sexual or romantic attraction I’m revolted by people more than is normal. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I did this to myself by spending my whole life paranoid of being raped and imagining it over and over and over just traumatizing myself over nothing, and when I finally recovered I decided to listen to an educational audiobook that triggered me so hard I’ve lost years worth of progress.

Edit: I left out the parts about being sexualized early on because I developed breasts before I hit double digits and how I went on Omegle in middle school because I felt I had no other avenue to explore my sexuality and was pressured into doing things I didn’t want to. I also was consistently jokingly sexualized by family members as a toddler/little kid (family pinching or poking my butt, telling me to shake my booty and pressuring/guilting/teasing me for not wanting to) They would also tickle me and not stop even when I screamed or threw myself into furniture. My dad still doesn’t understand what he did wrong and why I don’t want him tickling me or touching me suddenly or anywhere that isn’t my head or the bony part of my shoulder. He was also hurt/confused when I started to move my face when he went to kiss me so he’d kiss my hair or cheek and not my lips. I also often wiped his (and sometimes my mom’s) kisses off my face because they felt gross.

[stickythoughts1989]

The Signs Part 2: perfectionism & the worthiness rules

From a young age I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a certain way. My little brain came up with rigid and relentless rules for who I was meant to be and how I needed to be, to be worthy of love and acceptance. 

These “rules” were formed based on environmental and societal cues, causing me to have very high and strict expectations of myself. I had to look, act, and exist a certain way or else. I severely feared what may happen if I didn’t live up to these expectations. Because then it would mean letting people down or causing more pain. These became my biggest fears in life, which guided and dictated my every move.

Sure, on the surface I seemed fine and happy. I was mostly excelling in school, minus mathematics (lol), and I had a thriving social life–I had a full roster of friends plus a laundry list of creative hobbies and passions. 

I was a “good girl” or as my dad puts it “a star” – but I was that tiny, cute, little person at my own expense. I pretzeled myself into someone I thought I had to be rather than letting myself gently, slowly, and compassionately create myself into the young adult person I wanted to become.

And because of that, I became an adult woman who worried constantly about who I was to others. I saw myself through a warped perception of how I thought others perceived me. Was I liked? Was I enough? Was I too much? Was I worthy yet? Did I say or do the right thing? What if I did something wrong? Did I upset someone? Was someone else leaving, too? 

I chased worthiness but it was never quite reachable. Whenever I passed some arbitrary milestone of “success” I felt a wave of euphoria and relief come over me but it was only temporary – my intensely hostile self-critic always kicked in again. The only thing that felt within my reach was expecting myself to be perfect and living by the worthiness rules.

At every twist and turn of my journey, I doubted myself. And so I overcompensated. I became secretly compulsive. I fooled myself and everyone else into believing I was okay. I was good. I was happy. I was thriving.

I appeared to have it together but what was happening beneath the surface was something more sinister – I was sick and I didn’t even know it. The signs were there but no one had put the pieces together yet.

[relativelydefected]

I want to come clean and just make a post about everything that has gone on with me the past few weeks.

I recently went through an episode of deep depression where I was questioning my life choices. The pain had gotten so bad that I felt the need to be hospitalized. I made this choice while difficult I felt it needed to be done. I had been holding back these feelings for months and was reluctant to get the help I felt I needed due to my family’s situation and my responsibility as a mother and the only care giver to my children. The pressure of life, the pressure of being a single parent, the stress and the thought of my mothers health and inevitable passing was just too much for me to handle. So I finally decided to get help.

I wanted to make a vlog about this but it would become too emotional and I would be stumbling over my words to get anything important out. So I chose this as my outlet.

I was at Kent Hospital for 4 days straight. Waiting for another bed to open at another hospital. In these 4 days I experienced probably the worst 4 days of my life thus far. People who were drunk, people who would scream get into fights, people throwing up, people crying. Codes being sounded off at all hours of the night. I was in a room with a new room mate every night and 4 walls. A bathroom with a door that could not close and every thing could be heard. A phone in the middle of the room where everyone could hear. Absolutely no stimuli other then the tv that would have cnn on but couldn’t be heard because it was in a room that people slept in. My brain was melting for 4 days from the lack of boredom and nothingness.

On the 3rd day I called my mother to check on her only to find out she was in the hospital with my father. I had found out she collapsed at my daughters school while picking her up to bring her to daycare. My heart collapsed. I became short of breath in that moment I knew I had to leave. My first thought was of her second thought was it was my fault. Third thought was I had to get out of there cause I couldn’t put her through anymore stress. I let the staff know and they said that I couldn’t be released to the next day.

Next day came and they told me they had a bed for me at the other hospital but by then I was done. Done with waiting, Done with worrying about me and worrying mostly about my mother. But they said that if I did not go to the hospital they would hold me at will. Which meant it wouldn’t be my choice anymore.

So they picked me up brought me over to the other hospital where they took 3 hours to do my intake just to find out that all I wanted was to leave. I did everything in my power to just say what they wanted to hear just to get me out of there. Rushed through all the paperwork. And did a discharge plan in which I would be doing a virtual partial program for 2 weeks. That was the agreement we made upon my release.

My dad picked me up and we left he told me that the reason my mother had collapsed was due to a blood clot in her lung. This was devastating to me. This is as close to death that my mother has ever gotten. We have never experienced anything this serious in our family before. My mom has stage 4 breast cancer, she is considered terminal. So this on top of that makes this situation much worse then any normal person having a blood clot in their lung. She was currently being hospitalized to try to clear out the clot.

It’s really difficult to talk about my mother this way. She’s my rock, always has been always will be. She constantly worries about me. About the kids. She’s never been an overly affectionate person, but she shows her love in other forms like in the food she makes or giving me money or nagging me on a constant basis but I know if she didn’t care she wouldn’t do it. So any thought of her demise. Brings me to tears.

My mom to my family is the sun and we my dad and I are the planets. Without the sun we are essentially nothing. We wouldn’t know how to function or continue living. My mom does everything for my dad cleans, cooks, irons, buys his clothes. Everything. So the thought of my dad being without my mom terrifies me cause he’s never really done anything on his own. And the thought of me being without my mom terrifies me because she is always with me and checking on me every step of the way she’s always looking out for me so the thought of not getting that call or hearing her voice ever again or eating her food. Leaves me lost.

She’s now at home trying to recover from this. But she cannot be left alone. She cannot walk without feeling dizzy or getting headaches. She uses a cane and that more than anything hurts because to see your mom who once did everything who was so strong and never sat down use a cane it breaks me inside cause I know that it’s getting to the point where I need to plan for what I don’t even want to think about.

Im not prepared for this at all. I don’t think my dad is either and I think we are both going to be wrecks when this happens. Writing this right now is difficult cause I’m forced to physically think about life without her. I can barely write this out without tears falling never mind a vlog.

People wonder why would you feel depressed why would you want to question your life choices when you have children and my answer to that is sometimes depression leads you to a point where you feel that your children deserve better then what you can give to them. That someone else can give them a better life you can. Cause feeling like this and being like this what kind of mother is that for a child. The thing that people say about people committing suicide is that they were selfish or they were weak in thinking of the pain they put their families through. But depression really is where you feel that you are so sad and alone that the world and everyone in it would be better off without you. I’m not giving cause for someone taking their life But a better understanding of depression and how bad it can actually bring a person down.

So I’m currently attending these virtual meets everyday they are all day long from 9-3 everyday. I meet with a therapist and a doctor every day virtually. I want to go back to work so bad. I want to have a purpose again but at the moment I’m not ready and my mother is well enough for me to think of going back yet.

I recently went to work to see everyone, it made me so happy and warmed my heart. I miss work and my work family so much. I can’t wait to go back.

But this is my current situation. I’m still going through the motions I’m no longer worried about me anymore my mom is my main focus and my mental health is second to that.

I don’t know who I’m writing this to or what but it feels good to let my feelings known even if it’s not to anyone.

#depression #majordepressivedisorder #anxiety #breastcancer #hospitalization #mentalhealth #sadness #life #death #terminal #terminalcancer



[justabigassnerd]

The Perfect Gift

Pairing - Bradley 'Rooster' Bradshaw x Mitchell!reader

Word count - 3,144

Warnings - mentions of Goose & Carole so a smidge of angst but mostly wholesome Christmas fluff!!

Song - The Perfect Gift by Joshua Bassett

Summary - Rooster is determined to make this the perfect Christmas ever. Only problem? He can't find the perfect gift

A/N - Happy Christmas y'all! I rise from the dead once more to provide a Christmas fic for y'all! I love this song so much it's definitely one of my top Christmas songs and it's definitely a song that could work with Rooster. Anyways I'll stop rambling and let y'all get on and read. As per y'all, please send in requests, feedback and enjoy!!!

In the run-up to Christmas, Rooster had been worrying his ass off about what to get you. You’d been together a couple of years now and he was beginning to run out of ideas on what to get you, especially because you didn’t show much interest in anything. Despite it not being your first Christmas together, he still wanted it to be perfect. He even enlisted the help of your dad, Maverick in finding a gift, dragging him around countless malls and shops to try and find the perfect gift for you. It was the first Christmas since Rooster had allowed Maverick back into his life since cutting him out when he pulled his application to the naval academy so Rooster wanted to utilise having Maverick around and recruited him to help him hunt for presents since he knew Hangman would’ve rather done two hundred push-ups than help Rooster with his dilemma.

“Bradley, you know she doesn’t care about what you get her. Christmas is special because you’re getting to spend time together. She cares more about getting to spend time with you than any gift.” Maverick had said as Rooster dragged him into yet another jewellery shop to look at what they had to offer.

“I care about that too. But I want this to be perfect. I love her so much and I don’t know what to get her when she’s already the perfect gift.” Rooster said, and the second those words left his mouth his eyes widened, and he knew exactly what he wanted to do.

“I got it! Okay, I’ve just had the best idea I got some work to do. But I need you to help me out.” Rooster says quickly, gesturing for Maverick to follow him and as the two men walked out of the shop, Rooster began to explain his plan.

When it came to Christmas, Rooster’s gift for you was finally complete but as it reached Christmas Eve, he began to second guess himself and began to wonder if you’d like the gift or not. He constantly put himself under a lot of pressure and you always reassured him that you’d love it no matter what.

“Bradley, honey, you could get me an empty box and I’d still love it because it was from you.” You said sweetly as you pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, helping him to calm down enough to lie beside you in your shared bed as you snuggle into his side. As you always did, you rested your head on his chest and found yourself being lulled to sleep by Rooster’s steady heartbeat while his hand made its way to your head, messing with your hair and helping to drive you closer to sleep. However, despite how much sleep had taken a hold of you, you managed to mutter out one last ‘I love you’ before giving in to the clutches of sleep as a smile made its way across Rooster’s face.

“I love you more, sweetheart.”

The next morning, Rooster was awoken by you nuzzling closer to him for warmth as the duvet clearly did very little to provide you with warmth and Rooster, as always, accepted the opportunity for more cuddles, especially on Christmas morning. Rooster smiled to himself as you cuddled as close as humanly possible to him, you’d always said that Rooster was your own personal heater, and he never doubted your words for a second since more often than not he’d wake up with you half on top of him trying to maintain warmth. But you’d never catch him complaining about it. He wrapped both his arms around you and embraced you fully, pressing kisses to the top of your head as you begin to stir slightly. You clung tighter to him as you began to blink your eyes open, squinting at the light at first before your eyes adapted. Once you had woken up you looked up at Rooster, a tired yet happy smile on your face.

“Good morning baby.” You whisper as Rooster leans down to press a gentle kiss to your lips in greeting.

“Good morning, and Merry Christmas.” Rooster replies once the two of you have parted for air.

“Merry Christmas to you too.” You say with a smile before attempting to get up only to be stopped by Rooster’s strong arms tightening around you and pulling you back into his side as you laugh.

“Bradley, we have to get up.” You manage to say through your laughter as Rooster buries his face in your shoulder and tugs the duvet right up to your shoulders.

“Nope. It’s Christmas so I think we deserve some cuddles in bed if you ask me.” He mumbles, his voice muffled by your shirt as he moves to pepper kisses along your neck and jawline.

“Okay, we can cuddle for a bit, but we do have to be at dad and Penny’s for lunch like we promised.” You say, giving in to your boyfriend’s request almost instantly.

“You mean you promised Mav we’d be there.” Rooster retorts jokingly as you roll your eyes in response.

“It’s the first Christmas since you two made up. Christmas doesn’t need to be split up anymore because my boyfriend refuses to be within five feet of my dad.” You say with a raised eyebrow as Rooster pulls away slightly, sitting up and avoiding your eyes out of embarrassment.

“Oh, Bradley I’m sorry that was a bad joke. I’m over the moon that you and dad are getting along, really, I am. It makes me so happy you two are getting on. It means I don’t have to spend time with one or the other on days like this. I get to be with both of you.” You say, sitting up, cupping Rooster’s face gently, and lifting it so his eyes meet yours.

“I’m sorry, baby.” You apologise once more, leaning forward to rest your forehead against his.

“I’m sorry too. My anger towards Mav put you in a bad situation. And I’m so sorry for it.” Rooster then apologises, making you lean further into him, so your lips connect.

“You don’t need to apologise. I understand. How about we both stop apologising and cuddle for a bit more before getting up, hmm?” You offer, watching as a smile crosses your boyfriend’s beautiful face once more before wrapping his arms around you and flopping back against the mattress with you laying atop his chest as you both laugh. The two of you lie in bed, enjoying each other’s embrace for a few minutes before you decide it’s time you should get up and start the day. You get up first as Rooster pouts, with you pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

“I’m going for a shower. I won’t be gone forever, pretty boy.” You say before disappearing into the bathroom and the familiar sound of the shower running starts as Rooster lies in bed, going over how the gift he has could go down with you. He tries to keep his mind from running by focusing on the humming he hears coming from the bathroom and takes some deep breaths. Before he knew it, you had emerged from the bathroom, allowing him to get showered while you got changed. When he’d finished his shower and got changed, he joined you downstairs where you were pouring both him and yourself a cup of coffee as well as preparing breakfast. Rooster helped to finish breakfast which the two of you ate before taking your coffee cups into the living room where the Christmas tree was sat waiting with gifts underneath from each other and your fellow aviators. You decided to open the gifts from Dagger Squad first, laughing to each other when Rooster continually unwrapped more and more Hawaiian shirts to add to his never-ending collection of them. You unwrapped a variety of different items from each aviator and the two of you sent a message to each of your friends thanking them for their gifts before you move on to gifts from each other. You got Rooster a few different gifts, some of his favourite aftershave, and a new book of sheet music to play on the piano. But your final gift was a special one. You gave Rooster a Hawaiian shirt that was a carbon copy of the one his dad used to wear. You knew his original one had gotten lost in a move and Rooster had been beyond devastated so you spoke with your dad, who found a picture of Goose with his bright blue Hawaiian shirt on and the two of you were able to track down a similar shirt.

When it came to Rooster’s turn, he was sweating buckets when he handed you the first couple of gifts. He and Mav had been able to track down a few small things you’d like before he got to the main present. He got you perfume and a new pair of earrings before he told you to close your eyes so he could run upstairs to grab something. When you opened your eyes at his request you saw him sat in front of you with his guitar in hand.

“I’m going to be honest. Getting you something this year was the hardest it’s ever been because I wanted everything to be so perfect for you and so I kind of wrote a song because how could I find a perfect gift when the perfect gift is you?” Rooster says, making you smile widely as he begins to strum on his guitar and sing.

As Rooster began to sing, every lyric of his song brought memories of your relationship into your head. The first kiss the two of you shared under the night sky after Rooster took you out on a date. Holding Rooster as he sobbed when he found out your dad pulled his papers. He was initially angry at you too until you managed to calm him down and convince him of your innocence. You remembered being there by his side as your dad walked into the room the day of your first training session for the uranium mission, holding his hand to soothe him as your dad took over from Cyclone. You remembered every little detail about Bradley Bradshaw that you loved. The scars on his face that you loved to kiss. His sandy-coloured hair that you loved to run your hands through. His gorgeous singing voice that could overpower every patron of the Hard Deck when singing ‘Great Balls of Fire’. How he was the most badass aviator but was the sweetest guy when the two of you were at home. How he made you feel loved and protected. He was your best friend, and you were grateful you were able to love a man like Bradley Bradshaw.

When he finished his song, you wiped the tears you hadn’t realised had fallen down your cheeks and clapped as Rooster gave you a sheepish smile before putting his guitar to the side just in time for you to launch into his arms for a hug and a kiss.

“Did you like it?” He asks nervously when you pull away.

“Was the fact I tackled you into a hug and kissed you like there’s no tomorrow not a good enough answer? I loved it, baby.” You say, wiping the remainder of your tears before moving to sit opposite Rooster.

“I’m glad you liked it. You actually have one more present. I put it in the tree.” Rooster says as you stand up from where you were sat on the floor and start searching the tree but not seeing any sign of the present he’s talking about.

“Bradley I can’t see anything. What’s this all about?” You say, eyes still scouring the tree until your eyes land on a piece of paper nestled in amongst the pine needles. You grab it and open it carefully seeing the words ‘turn around’ written on it and you do as the paper says, folding it back up to ask Rooster what was going on before you gasped, dropping the paper at the sight before you. Rooster was on one knee with a small velvet box in his hands, a gorgeous ring settled inside as more happy tears began to well in your eyes.

“y/n Mitchell. You’ve been my best friend my whole life and I’m the luckiest guy in the world to get to call you, my girlfriend. But I’d be even luckier if I got to call you, my wife. You’ve been with me through thick and thin and there’s no one else on this world I can imagine spending the rest of my life with other than you. Will you marry me?” He asks, making you nod repeatedly before words were finally able to escape your mouth.

“Yes! Yes, of course, I’ll marry you!” You exclaim happily as Rooster stands up to pull you into an embrace hugging you tightly before your lips crash with his. Both of you were smiling too much so the kiss became two smiles pressed together but you were both so happy you couldn’t stop smiling. When you pulled away, Rooster took your left hand in his own and slipped the ring on your finger, grinning. You stared at the ring in awe before a spark of realisation overcame you.

“Is this… your mum's ring?” You ask cautiously, remembering when you were younger, and you’d see this ring shining on Carole’s hand. That and her wedding ring being a way to keep Goose with her.

“Yeah. She gave it to me before she died. She said to use it when I met the right girl. But between you and me I think she wanted it to be you from the get-go.” Rooster admits, both of you smiling as you look back at the ring. You knew that Goose and Carole were watching over their son and that they were probably cheering like they were watching a football game when he proposed.

“We should probably head to Mav’s, huh? Tell him the good news?” Rooster then says, smiling knowingly as you quirk an eyebrow.

“Something tells me you and dad were in on this together?” You ask as you grab the gifts for your dad, Penny, and Amelia before putting on your shoes and heading out to the Bronco.

“I did most of the work. He just gave me his permission to propose to you.” Rooster says as he climbs into the car, starting the engine and beginning the drive to your dad’s house. When you arrive you and Rooster grab the gifts and knock on the door to be greeted by your dad who throws the door open.

“I take it from the fact that the two of you arrived together everything went well?” Your dad asks, looking over at Rooster as he nods, lifting your connected hands and showing the ring glistening on your finger.

“Congratulations you two. I couldn’t be happier.” Your dad then says, bringing you into the house before engulfing you in a tight hug.

“Thank you, dad.” You whisper as he hugs you tighter.

“I’m so happy for you sweetheart. You deserve the best and Bradley is the only man I trust to provide you with nothing but the best.” He replies, making you laugh lightly against his shoulder before you pull away.

“Come on. Let’s tell Penny and Amelia the good news.” Rooster then says, gathering up the presents you had put down so you could hug Maverick and heading into the living room to join the two.

"We heard you in the hall. Congratulations you two!" Penny says happily as Amelia grins.

“There goes the surprise then. Merry Christmas you two.” You and Rooster greet as you settle down on the sofa, handing each gift to their respective person and watching as they unwrap them. When the gifts have been exchanged Penny and Amelia turn to you.

“Let us see the ring, y/n.” Amelia all but begs, both of them leaning closer when you extend your hand towards them so they could get a closer look at the ring.

“Oh, it’s gorgeous, y/n.” Penny gushes, admiring the ring as Rooster winds his arm around your waist, pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“Not as gorgeous as her.” Rooster shamelessly flirts as Amelia groans and Maverick slaps his hands on his thighs and stands up.

“And just for that disgustingly cute comment. You’re on dinner duty with me. Come on in the kitchen.” He says, gesturing for Rooster to follow him into the kitchen while you stay in the living room with Penny and Amelia to have a catch-up.

“She’s lucky to have you, you know.” Maverick’s voice cuts through the quietly playing Christmas music in the kitchen as Rooster looks up from where he was peeling potatoes.

“I’m the lucky one.” Rooster replies with a laugh as he hears you telling the two in the living room how the proposal happened.

“Goose and Carole always had a bet going that you two would end up together. I was against it because I hated the thought of my little girl dating anyone, but I was very wrong. There’s no one better for her than you.” Maverick then says, memories of his old friends coming to the surface as he remembers him and Goose watching the two of you one day as you toddled around on the beach when Goose made the offhand comment that he was sure the two of you would end up together in your future.

“I miss them so much. I just wish they could be here.” Rooster manages to say after a brief silence. Thinking about how much he wants his parents to see him get married to the woman he loves most in the world.

“I miss them too, kid. But I know they are so proud of you. You were their world Bradley, so I know they’ve been cheering you on every step of your journey. I want them to be at your wedding just as much as you do but I know they’ll be there in spirit. They’re still with us.” Maverick says, turning to face the man soon to become his son-in-law. Rooster nods at his words with misty eyes and Maverick wastes no time bringing him into a hug which Rooster welcomes. When he pulled away, he thanked Maverick quietly and wiped his eyes of any potential tears before hearing your laughter coming from the other room, which brought a smile to his face. He was already so excited about getting to call you, his fiancée. But what he couldn’t wait for was to be able to introduce you to people as Mrs Bradshaw. His wife.

[artemelle]

Thanksgiving with tears guys? With their s/o? With nyxx? All 3?

the tot boys + thanksgiving <3

artem wing

with his s/o : wants you to cook with him :) lives for the calm moments where it’s just the two of you. navigating around kitchen counters, and each other, music playing from the record player in the living room. his heart flutters when you bring the spoon up to his lips, asking for his opinion on the dish you were making. lives for the domesticity of the scene, holds your hand through most of the dinner, presses his lips to your knuckles every now and then. “you know what i'm most thankful for? you, my love. my yn.” 

with nxx : takes it upon himself to cook for everyone !! mostly because he doesn’t trust anyone else to do it. constantly driving luke and marius out of the kitchen and is one more ‘is the food ready yet?’ from dropkicking both of them. probably the most stressed out of everyone, only thankful when the chaos is over and everyone has sat down to eat. gets a little bashful when everyone compliments his cooking. thinks it’s a prank but accepts the compliments anyway. 

luke pearce

with his s/o : the two of you end up ordering in, scanning through various delivery menus on the living room floor, arguing over which restaurant to order from before eventually settling on ordering at every single one. refuses to let you pay for anything, but when you hit him with a pout, he eventually gives in. watching movies the entire day in the comfort of the pillow + blanket fort that the two of you have built. his arms are wrapped around you, placing occasional kisses on the top of your head. “i'm thankful for every single day i get to spend with you.” 

with nxx : is in charge of post-dinner entertainment, which really just meant that he gets to pick the movies after all is said and done. he asks what everyone is in the mood to watch, but that doesn’t mean that he’ll actually listen. maybe he considered, but just for a few seconds and he picks a horror movie to scare everyone (+ makes sure to sit next to you so you can hide behind him). the other three see through his attempt to become much closer to you and are upset they didn’t think of it themselves >:)

marius von hagen

with his s/o : takes you to meet his dad <3 of course, you’re a little nervous because that’s !! his !! dad !! but marius does everything he can to reassure you that everything is going to be fine. there are seats in the dining table reserved for his mom and giann, and you can’t help the little ache that creeped into your chest at how marius and his father must feel since they’re unable to spend thanksgiving with them. you take it upon yourself to make sure that things go well, filling up what could have been a tense silence with stories of your own and asking about his mom and giann, making sure to keep their memories alive + make it seem like they were there with you. marius knows what you’re doing and he appreciates it. “thank you for being here, for being with me. i'll make sure you don’t regret it.” 

with nxx : sets the table, except this man really went all out !! he spent hours scrolling through pinterest to find inspiration for his table settings, 99% chance that he has a vision board in his studio ready to go weeks before thanksgiving. you can bet he goes the extra mile and buys all of the utensils, table cloth, center pieces, etc. instead of asking the host (vyn) what he has lying around the house. even brings along a nice punpikin-scented candle to set the mood. 

vyn richter

with his s/o : wants to meet your family. it’s not that he’s pressuring you, of course, he’s just very grateful fro the people who have brought you to the world, and to him. not even a little bit nervous. before you know it, he’s charming literally every single person in the household and they’re all begging for you to keep him around forever. of course, they could all just tell the amount of love that he has for you, his golden eyes shining whenever he looked across the table at you. though, he’s not above asking for the silliest stories from your youth and listening just a little too intently. “don’t be shy now, yn. I'm happy to hear these stories, to get to know you before i came into the picture. i'm the luckiest man on earth, and i'm always grateful that the universe has led you to me.”    

with nxx : offers to host. and that’s it. well, not really. he does bake a few pies for everyone to enjoy for dessert, but he’s already done that the night before so he can literally do nothing on the where everyone comes over. he’s just lounging in his home office, glass of red wine as he goes through a few bits of work. artem’s in the kitchen, marius is setting the table + decorating, and luke’s queuing up movies -- he just lets out the biggest breath of relief and asks you to come over early so you can spend time with him while everyone else busies themselves with prep work >:)

ok disclaimer that i'm from the ph and we don't really do thanksgiving, so a lot of this is based on my assumption of what thanksgiving is like from the media i consume ;-; anyways, happy thanksgiving to those who celebrate (am not too late right?? haha) and a general happy week to those who don’t :D

—   see if you can request something here  ;  masterlist <3

taglist : @themysticalbeing @xoxovictoriaa @nobodyshallenter @wafflebrian @duhsies @satans-beloved-riv @ultgojo @tenaciouskryptonitepirate @dreasimping @jisoostan09 @hajik0ko @tikitanuki @liraajustsimpin @rosa-qing @kpop-and-otome @suga-tofu @roselleviennesstuff @lyricumsabiaflos @darlingxannie @dazaiaiko @kristyxoxo @wonderwrench

[honeybunhalo]

Kara/Lena adopt Superboy AU Notes (Part 1)

I’m finally delivering on the content for this Supercorp AU

This is a Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor and Superboy (Kon-El) centric story. Specifically focused on exploration of one's identity and how you define yourself with the many aspects of your life and choices you made as well as what you consider important and precious to you. The effects of being constrained by how you were born and finding those who love you for who you are and don't ask you to change the core of your being to fit in. — this is not an action packed story at all.

Here are some of the ideas I have for this or things I thought Kon had in common with Lena and Kara that I find compelling.

Lena concepts:

Lena gets to know another Luthor, her biological nephew, who isn’t a trash person and is someone to not just for her to protect but who’s existence assures her that it isn’t blood that makes someone bad and maybe she isn’t so different from other people and she’s not “irredeemable”. Sometimes he reminds her of her older brother when he was kind to her growing up. Likewise, everyone usually sees the Lex in Kon as an inherently bad thing and thus he learns to hide it and hate himself for it. Lena presents an alternate because she remembers bittersweetly a simpler time when she looked up to her brother. Not everyone sees the Luthor genes in him as a threat, Lena finds it comforting to be able to help someone like her in a way she was never helped as a young girl. 

Lena thinks she can’t interact with kids well, much less the kid Lex had grown in a lab, but she totally warms up to him and can talk to him about familial rejection (via Clark) and if it’s because he’s a Luthor and if that makes him wrong. Is it because he’s artificial? Is it because he’s some strange illegitimate lab child? Smothering this kid with love and protection.

Plus Kon is like Kara in more than just being kryptonian but also in dorkiness. Lena’s life is just trying to wrangle an overpowered golden retriever and her lab puppy. She can’t stay mad at them for long.

Lena finding she is capable of loving and being loved and being with Kara makes it harder to ignore the crush she has on Kara. They talk together about love and acceptance now they have a shared kid they don’t want to hide personal things from that could later hurt him and many things become open secrets in their now shared house. Soon enough, it becomes obvious she needs to be truthful with Kara about her own feelings for her. 

Lena could learn about the difficulties of hiding being an alien that Kara had to deal with and the onslaught and exhaustion of developing powers in young kryptonians. She gets to see first hand what it does to a child and wonders how that must have affected Kara’s emotional development and sense of self. 

Lillian and Lex won’t get anywhere near this kid if Lena has something to say about it. Lena knows what it’s like to be the odd one out in a family and for people to reject you for simply existing from other people's sins

Kara concepts:

Kara recounts how she felt like a failure waking up on earth to find out Kal had grown up without her. Now she can maybe make peace with that by taking in Kon even if everything that motivates her choices with him is primarily for kons sake. 

Kara can share with another person krypton's history and culture which is something she’s had to keep seperate from her primary identity for years now *cough* it’s almost like she’s an immigrant who has to hide her identity and culture to be accepted and you could use that in the story *cough* 

Kon lived through being created as a lab rat and the only living experiment left. Kara could sympathize with his own grief from her experience with survivors’ guilt. 

Being open with Kon so that he doesn’t feel that same overwhelming pressure when she was told to hide with a human family also gives room for Lena to learn more about the world Kara came from beyond what she knows from interviews from Superman. Having Kara speak openly about her life on Krypton is much more personal and feels much more real than any article could do. 

Teaching Kon how best to control his powers and her and Lena being able to have the resources for him to do so safely 

Alex is very alarmed by the new addition to the family, mostly because how shitty Clark was in relation to the kid. From her perspective, this is not the first time the guy has dumped an unwanted kryptonian child on someone else’s doorstep. Whatever, she gets to buy leather jackets for her new nephew and be scary overprotective of him. “I don’t care if you think you’re nearly invulnerable at your age, do you have ANY IDEA what type of trouble your mother got us into when we were growing up? Or even when she just started hero work?”

Conner Kon-Cepts:

His sort-of-aunts can be his adoptive moms and be much better to him than his biological dads ever were to him in the comic canon. Kon actually being allowed to be close to other Superman family members!!! I need it like the air I breathe. Kon could get to know a Luthor that isn’t trying to hurt him or use him. Someone who defies part of why (Kon thinks) Superman could never accept a thing like him. 

(I have too many things to say to put in a brief bullet point just know that he’s my fav little boy and I think that he deserves parents who would love him unconditionally and Lena and Kara deserve to live a slower life where they can be cute and domestic)

(If he’s raised by these two then I can give a solid reason as to why we just ignore all the blatant misogynistic and horny writing from the 90s comics that made me really uncomfortable and didn’t completely fit with his given backstory especially with how over the top the specialization was. It helps make up for that)

Kon has to deal with being constantly compared to his two genetic fathers mirroring how Kara and Lena both are constantly being compared to Superman and Lex Luthor as they are the female counterparts of those two more infamous members in their respective families

Kara and Kon have very complementary stories and could become what the other needs to fill a hole in each of their hearts. Canon is way too personally tragic. I’d rather have a bittersweet world that’s also soft so I can spend more time with slow paced character analysis.

(In the beginning, Kon’s much more timid given he’s still so young and is coping with being rejected by superman. The tone at the beginning of the story is very serious. As the story unfolds, kon will loosen up to be goofier like his comic counterparts personality)

Both Clark and Lex don’t deserve this kid in any way. If all they are gonna do is mistreat or neglect him in their own ways, Kon is better off with his aunts. 

Conclusion:

Kara and Lena can be happy together by fully trusting themselves with each other in domestic bliss for once AND Kon doesn’t have to cry his eyes out knowing he’s an unwanted experiment child who is “undeserving” of family and home who never got to experience childhood

Everyone who's always saying “you can’t trust a Luthor” better shut their trap when Kara walks in with Kon-El Luthor, her newly adopted son, and her fiancé, Lena Luthor. These new moms will tear you apart if you try to instill that internal hatred of being a Luthor in their son’s young mind. 

Kara and Lena both defying what people say about them and instead raising a well adjusted boy from both their warring families. 

Kon is gonna be raised by a true power couple.

DC refuses to deliver on giving this boy a home or parents so I’m gonna do it instead. Just look at the family they could be together:

(FYI: This has nothing to do with the version of Superboy in the Young Justice cartoon TV show, so if you’re only familiar with that you may be a bit confused about this Superboy who that one was loosely based on. This whole punk fitted kid is indeed a real character and I stay pretty close to his original design from 1993.)

[wolf-and-bard]

The Geraskier Soccer Parents AU of my dreams (in an early morning strike of weird-brain):

-Geralt knows he isn't the best dad ever. He tries so goddamn hard, but his job is demanding and consumes so much time and even with Ciri being seven already, he still has essentially no clue what he's doing. He sometimes falls into bed, half-dead, and she is the one to give him a good-night kiss. He sometimes forgets she prefers cheese and puts ham on her sandwiches. He is sometimes too happy to have her sleep over at her friends rather than invite them to their house. He doesn't read her all the children's classics, doesn't go trick-or-treating with her, doesn't even pretend Santa Claus is a thing. He isn't the best dad ever. He tries.

-There is one thing he never, ever fails to do and that is take Ciri to soccer practice. Ciri picks up and drops hobbies, interests, even tastes by the week, still unsure what she wants to pursue, but soccer isn't only her favourite pastime, it's theirs. Practice is twice a week and they have a ritual for it. Geralt picks her up from school and drives her there, she tells him about what the dumb boys in her class said, how her art project is going etc. Geralt is there throughout practice, tucked in between Foltest - a guy who is constantly worried for his daughter Adda to get hurt and also very much anxious for her to do well - and Tissaia - a woman who has not one, but three girls in Ciri's age group and several more in others, and knits like a magician - and watches. He takes notes, silently cheers for Ciri.

-After their games and while Ciri changes, Geralt chats with her coach Vesemir - who used to be Geralt's coach, but now prefers to train the girls' teams - about the progress of the team, upcoming tournaments etc. Sometimes when Vesemir is indisposed, Geralt even leads the practice. When Ciri is all done, Tissaia usually has another hat or mitten finished and Geralt and her drive with their girls to whatever food place the girls are in the mood for. They have an early dinner in which Tissaia lectures the girls on their form and in which Ciri is sometimes allowed to sit on Geralt's lap - but only if Fringilla or Yen don't tease hear about it - but in which she definitely gets to steal his milkshake (Geralt hates milkshakes). Geralt only praises her when they're back in the car and Ciri tells him he's too much of a softie with her and should be more like Tissaia. Should maybe marry Tissaia. They both laugh because that is never going to happen.

-Life is good that way. It's not perfect, it's not without bumps, certainly not without tears and scrapes, but whatever the job, whatever injury Geralt carries with him, however long he has to drive, he never, never ever misses soccer practice.

-The season's just kicked off in the year of Ciri's eighth birthday when Geralt and her arrive early on the field to find the stands empty save for a girl in the most ridiculously colorful excercise clothes and blond hair that is braided intricately around her head. With her is a man, maybe five years Geralt's junior. Ciri bolts towards them with a bright grin and Geralt is hesitant to follow. He knows neither the girl nor the man, but from what he can gather she wants to join the team which is just what they need as they're one girl short this season. "Hi, I'm Ciri, I adore your braids." Geralt holds back on the eye-roll. It's nice Ciri can make friends this easily, but his house already is a shrine for role-playing and board games, dolls and random DVDs and another friend means more things Ciri will want to try out. "Thank you," the girl replies and tilts her head to better show them off. "My uncle Jaskier braided them for me, I'm sure he can do yours too." Both girls look up expectantly at the man and Geralt only really notices him then. He is averagely built with bright blue eyes and an even brighter smile. His floral print shirt has three open buttons and his pants barely reach his ankles. He has the look of a flippant music teacher or a hipster coffeeshop owner. His eyes meets Geralt's and, wait, did he just wink? "I'd love to, dear," he says in a smooth voice that absolutely does not go straight to Geralt's guts. Geralt turns on the spot and decides to pressure check the balls, but he can hear the others giggling as Jaskier braids Ciri's hair. "I'm Priscilla by the way. What's up with your dad?" - "Oh, don't mind him, he's bad with meeting new people." - "Very intense." That's Jaskier. Oh, Geralt will show him intense.

-Ciri invites them to their after-practice dinner. Geralt wants to begrudge her that, but she and Priscilla have latched onto each other in record speed and Jaskier actually fights Tissaia on some of her more strict stances and he braids Yen's and Sabrina's hair too, only Fringilla doesn't want him to touch hers which he respects. Geralt and Tissaia glance at each other. Come to a silent agreement. They may not befriend Jaskier, but he's sunny and so good with the girls and they can use someone like him among their ranks, someone who doesn't have Calanthe's tendency for swear words or Crach's tendency to break out beer in the middle of practice or even Nenneke's tendency to relate everything to the workings of god.

-Jaskier is as faithful as Geralt, perhaps the only one who shows up every time without fail. Shani's parents only drop her off and Crach switches between  Cerys' and Hjalmar's practices and Tissaia sometimes texts Geralt to pick up her girls. Jaskier is there, every time, earlier than any of the others. He chats with Vesemir about his day-to-day, brings home-baked cookies for everyone, he cheers and whoops and tries very hard to understand soccer even though it's evident he doesn't. Geralt never wonders why it's him and not Priscilla's parents that come, it's none of his business. He begins to tolerate Jaskier, but he knows that is where he has to draw the line. He has his hands full with Ciri and his job and his brothers too. He can't afford friendships that extend beyond the field.

-Jaskier doesn't let him off though. He always takes the spot next to Geralt (technically an improvement over Foltest's sweaty visage) and prattles on and on, at least until the game begins. When it does, Jaskier divides his attention between the girls and the stack of paper on his lap which he annotates during practice. It's often either sheet music or the illegible scrawl of pre-teens or wonkily drawn instruments. Jaskier already told him, but from that too it is obvious that Geralt's hunch was right, he is a music teacher. Geralt finds his eyes darting to Jaskier's long fingers, nimble and calloused from the various string instruments he plays. Finds himself glancing at where Jaskier's tongue peeks out in concentration. He listens to the man's ramblings and hums his replies and comes to dislike the days when Vesemir isn't there and he has to focus all his attention on giving the girls a good practice. Not that he doesn't want to, it's just that having Jaskier at his back unnerves him.

-(Jaskier for his part doesn’t care at all about soccer, but he cares about Priscilla so he convinced her parents to let him take her; after that, she said it would be fine if he dropped her off and picked her up again, but Jaskier pretends he is super invested in the sport and the team and he is, but mostly he’s invested in charming Geralt)

-After an entire season of mutual pining and obliviousness, Tissaia decides she's had enough and rallies the other parents. She has Foltest organize a big party at his country house, has Nenneke promise to look after the girls (the woman doesn't drink) and has Crach whip out the finest spirits he has in storage. Calanthe makes a phenomenal playlist and it's Tissaia's job to get Geralt to the party (Jaskier's not a problem) and dress up nicely. Only Aridea, Renfri's stepmother, refuses to pitch in, but she's been a bitch anyway.

-When Geralt picks up Jaskier at his downtown flat he has to grip the wheel of his rover hard in order not to short-circuit. Jaskier has done something to his hair that Geralt can't name but that makes him go woozy inside. He wears a plain shirt that compliments his eyes and hugs his body just right and he looks high on life with color in his cheeks and the most dazzling smile. He's gorgeous. "Darling, don't you look dashing," Jaskier says excitedly and props his feet up on the dashboard, only after kissing Geralt on the cheek. Which is not fair. "Likewise," Geralt mutters, then blushes furiously. He didn't want that to come out, oh no. Jaskier either didn't hear or acts like it and they drive in silence to Foltest's country house. Well, aside from the songs Jaskier hums under his breath, some new composition no doubt.

-At first, Geralt thinks it's a nice enough party for someone who doesn't like parties. Foltest's grilling burgers, they all have cocktails, the music is mellow. Not that that stops Jaskier from swirling an already quite drunk Calanthe over the terrace in dazzling moves. Geralt wants to be swirled like that. "You really have it bad, don't you?" Crach comments when he notices Geralt staring. Geralt downs his beer (he's no cocktail drinker) and tries pointedly not to stare at how Jaskier's swinging his ass around.

-The buzz makes it easier and he relieves Foltest at the barbecue for a bit. But then Jaskier walks up to him, a little short on breath and grinning his most flirtatious little grin. It gives him fucking dimples. Sigh. "Hey you big strong man," Jaskier says. He smells like pineapple and coconut, but isn't even a little drunk. "Jask," he says, pointedly flipping a burger. "Foltest says he has an old karaoke machine in the shed, but it's too heavy for me. Help me?" - "...fine." Geralt gestures for Foltest to keep up with the meat and he and Jaskier make their way along a garden path that winds through thickets and by a small pond. The shed is painted blue and white and Geralt and Jaskier find it very much cluttered, but not dirty which is nice. Geralt only understands it's a trap when it's already sprung on them. The tiny click of the look is almost inaudible over Jaskier's anxious commentary of their search for the machine. There is only one small window and no light Geralt can see. Fuck.

-"Ehm, Jaskier?" he reaches out and gently touches Jaskier's shoulder which has the other man yelp and jump. Which doesn't bode well for what Geralt has to tell him. "I think we're trapped." The effect is immediate. Jaskier goes rigid, his breath catches. Is he afraid? Claustrophobic perhaps? Shit, so he can't be in on the joke. "Jask?" - "Geralt. I know we aren't the closest, but I need you to hold me right now." And he launches himself at Geralt. Maybe he is in on the joke? No, he's trembling too hard for that. Geralt catches him and does as asked. "I am absolutely going to die," Jaskier whines into Geralt's neck and Geralt can't help a small chuckle as he rubs Jaskier's back soothingly. This is... surprisingly nice for a trap. Also likely Tissaia's doing. Geralt has a rare idea. "What if I distract you until someone finds us?" he murmurs against Jaskier's hair and Jaskier draws back a little. In the half-dark his eyes glisten, widen when they meet Geralt's. "You would?" - "Close your eyes, Jaskier." Geralt feels a surge of daring, perhaps granted by the intimacy and seclusion of the situation. He catches Jaskier's lips with his own. When they part, Jaskier grins, shaking from something other than fear. "I thought you didn’t much like me," he whispers. "I thought I got on your nerves." - "Idiot." They kiss again and, faintly, Geralt can hear someone cheer from outside.

[saintshigaraki]

I relate a little too closely to the resentment thing u talk about. I’m really glad you’re writing about it, especially in such a beautiful, raw manner. My mom was a housewife because of societal pressures on women and also because of my dad, and while she never explicitly said she hated me, I always wondered how she could not, y’know? Like, here’s the little gremlin that made her drop out of college, here’s the little gremlin who’s a spitting image (if not replica) of her husband.

Sorry if that’s over sharing. I just really resonated with what u said, wishing u all the best 💖

first, i want to say that you did not overshare anon! in fact if anything, i’ll be the one oversharing because i have a lot to say about this. 

(also thank you for your very sweet comment about my writing)

the only real difference between my mother and yours is the fact that my mom wasn’t actually a housewife, she was just treated like one by my father. she worked full time but still ended up saddled with all the child raising, all the house chores and all the cleaning until my brother and i were old enough to help. 

in short, my mother got roped into what i’ve dubbed the single married mother trap. basically, a married woman with a full time job who is left with little choice but to take on the same amount of work housewives and single mothers do when it comes to taking care of their home and raising their children. 

it’s a phenomenon that i’ve been painfully aware of for years now, partly because it’s so depressingly and frustratingly common. 

the only reason i bring this all up is because what this tends to do is breed a certain type of resentment. both of our mothers didn’t even want children, my mother said that straight to my face after her fifth, particularly exhausting day in a row pouring over finances with her divorce attorney. both of our moms had children partly because of the societal pressure and partly because its what their husbands wanted and now? now they’re both left to do all the child-raising for kids they didn’t even want while their husbands who pressured them for the kids in the first place take a backseat in parenting their own children. 

now these mothers lives are consumed by child-raising. constantly cleaning up after them, taking them to and from school or daycare, constantly preventing injuries or having to deal with the injuries they simply couldn’t prevent because they don’t have eyes in the back of their heads and they just turned their back for one minute to check on dinner and now the kid has managed to crawl up on the chair and tumble off of it and god there’s blood everywhere. 

and while some of the women who didn’t actually want their children never grow resentful, others do. others can’t help but look at their kids and think what would my life have been like had you never been born? they can’t help but think that this was a mistake, marrying him was a mistake, having children was a mistake and sometimes, with cases like your mother dropping out of school was a mistake, quitting my job was a mistake. now what do i have but this? 

it’s a harsh, awful thing to think, wishing that they’d never have kids, but it's painfully understandable. women like your mother were pressured into having children. women like my mother were conned. promised help by their husbands who wanted the kids so they could check off some theoretical box and now these women are left hanging in the wind, trapped by the single married mother phenomenon and shadowed by a bitter, simmering resentment and a cutting sort of envy for a life they could have had.

just like you, i look exactly like my father. sometimes, i catch my mom staring at me with her hands wrapped so tightly around her morning cup of coffee that her knuckles turn a sickly white. she’s never outright said anything to me about it, and i think she’d deny it affecting her in any way if i asked, i think she’d deny it and believe that it really doesn’t. 

i can’t help but wonder the same things you do. does she hate me? resent me maybe? just like you, i wonder, how could she not, after everything? after she was pressured into having my brother and i? and after everything she did for him, just to have my father cheat on her anyway and fight her tooth and nail in a divorce he dragged out for years? after everything he put her through, she’s still stuck staring at his face, reflected in the child she never wanted, as she drinks her morning cup of coffee.

it’s awful to think about how my mother's story is so far from rare. it’s awful how understandable i find her feelings. if i was in her place for even a second i think i’d lose my fucking mind. 

all of this is not to say that my mother doesn’t love me, because i know she does. she raised my brother and i well, especially considering what she was given. but in her case, and the case of many other women, love and resentment walk hand in hand. 

‘it was your father who wanted kids,’ she had said to me. i was twelve years old sitting across from her at the kitchen table. it was at the tail end of the divorce proceedings. ‘it took a lot of convincing. i just never saw myself as a mother, you know?’ she laughed. the wine in her hand sloshed around in the glass. she was a little drunk, i could tell, but mostly exhausted. ‘this is not who i-- this is not who i thought i’d be.’ 

wanted, i remember thinking. that’s what she was going to say. this is not who i wanted to be. 

but before going to bed, after she had washed her wine glass in the sink and left it on the rack to dry, she knelt down to where i was sitting and kissed my forehead. 

‘i love you. try to get to bed a decent hour tonight, alright?’ 

so that’s what i mean, i guess, when i say sometimes love and resentment can go hand in hand. 

[bts-reveries]

mini me | 11

(images at the end)

“Come in!” Taehyung says as he opens the door to you and Youngjae. Your son excitedly runs inside, looking around for the little dog you told him about. With the sound of guests coming into the apartment, a dog runs out from Taehyung’s room, ready to welcome you and Youngjae. Your son gasps at the sight of the fluff ball, quickly running towards him.

“Mommy it’s Annie!” He yells, hugging the small dog. 

“Annie?” Taehyung asks, confused. The two of you walk towards your sons. 

“One walk we had in the park a few months back, a puppy ran to Youngjae and wouldn’t leave his side. He wanted to keep him,” you laugh, roughly remembering that moment. “But the owner came, it was a quick meeting, but I don’t remember what the man said her name was. Youngjae calls her Annie--”

“Tannie,” Taehyung says. He laughs, roughly remembering the same day. “Yeontan, he’s a boy by the way. But, that’s crazy, that was you two?” Your eyes widen.

“Wait--”

“Aww I miss you so much,” Youngjae says, hugging Yeontan tighter. You and Taehyung looked at each other in surprise. You remember how much Youngjae loved the dog and how Yeontan ran into you at the best possible time. It was Youngjae’s birthday and you were hoping for a surprise that day, mostly from his dad. Instead the little puppy came at the same time Youngdo texted that he wasn’t going to be able to see him that day. Youngjae was upset for just a second, then the puppy came right over to cheer him up. He talked about “Annie” the rest of the day.

“So I guess we’ve met each other before huh?” Taehyung says. “Tannie’s been watching out the window everyday since then as if he was waiting for someone.”

“Aww Annie missed me,” Youngjae says, rubbing his nose on Yeontan’s.

“Tannie,” Taehyung corrects. Youngjae looks up at him innocently.

“That’s what I said,” he tells Taehyung.

“No, you said Annie. You forgot the ‘T,’” Taehyung tells him, Youngjae shakes his head.

“No, I said it right.”

-

“Daddy let me pick the stuff I wanted,” Youngjae says, taking out the contents of his bag. “I got this one for you!” He says, pulling out a paint brush. “It’s in my favorite color,” he says, handing Taehyung the purple brush. Taehyung’s smile widens.

“You got me a purple paint brush???” He says, taking the brush from Youngjae’s small hand. He nods his head.

“I have one too,” he says, holding up his own. You squint your eyes at the both of them.

“Didn’t even get me one…” You mutter. Taehyung looks at you and laughs.

“You didn’t get Mommy one?” Taehyung asks Youngjae. He smiles shyly, shaking his head no. 

“His mind says ‘no thoughts, just Uncle Cupcake’,” you say, making Taehyung laugh more.

“You can just borrow mine,” Youngjae says, passing you a different brush. 

-

After Youngjae gave you two a little haul of the things he bought while he was at his dad’s, the three of you finally started your paint session.

Taehyung suggested that you three paint each other. Youngjae will paint Taehyung, Taehyung will paint you, and you will paint Youngjae. 

It was all quiet at this point, the three of you were just focusing on each other. Taehyung had jazz playing in the background. You were looking at your son, focusing on his features, doing your very best to transfer he’s beauty onto the canvas. Although, you were more of a pencil and paper type of girl, painting was something you needed to get better at.

“Yn, look at me,” Taehyung says. You felt honored that an actual artist was painting you. You couldn’t wait to see what he would have by the end. 

You looked up at him and smiled slightly. He scans his eyes over your features, mostly staring at your eyes. It was a long stare. You were starting to feel your cheeks heat up. 

After a few more seconds, he quietly goes back to his painting, and so do you. You glanced a little at what your son had on his canvas as he sat right next to you. You couldn’t help but smile at what he’s got. For a four year old, he was good with small details. He had all of Taehyung’s moles on his painting, even painting his one monolid and one double eyelid. They were probably your favorite feature on Taehyung’s face. You weren’t going to lie, Taehyung’s a very attractive man. His personality also fit his good looks very well. 

With everyone focused on their own paintings, the music also playing in the background, your mind began to wander.

Your thoughts of your conversations with your girl friends pop into your head. You didn’t like how they constantly suggested that you and Taehyung date. But only because you didn’t want your feelings to be based on peer pressure. 

Taehyung caught your attention when you mistook him as Youngjae at the party. He was really kind when the two of you were looking for the kids during ‘hide and seek.’ Also, you’ve never seen someone so in love with kids. Especially someone without kids himself. It made your heart happy. 

You don’t even know where to begin with with his relationship with your son. He’s so sweet, thoughtful, and loving to him. Something Youngjae has always deserved. The love you always wanted him to feel.

Dating again also hasn’t crossed your mind. As far as you know, Taehyung loves your son and is a very good friend of yours. You don’t know if he likes you any more than just a friend.

“Are you admitting you like Kim Taehyung?” you thought to yourself. Or are your friends' words getting to you? Do you actually like him? Or do you just want your son to have the dad he deserves? Do you just want to date him to make other people happy? Or would it make yourself happy? This is what had you confused this past week. 

Your feelings for Taehyung have been there the day you met him. Although you never acknowledge the feelings you had. Well until the day your friends pushed for you two to date. That’s when you began to think if you really liked him. Instead you shook it off as your friends words getting to you.

“You have a really cute nose,” Taehyung says, pulling you out of your thoughts. You look up at him and see him focused on his painting of you. He looks up at you and laughs. “What? You don’t agree?” You shake your head, emptying out all the thoughts from it.

“How are you two’s painting going?” You say, taking a peek at Youngjae’s then Taehyung’s. Taehyung covers his painting so you wouldn’t see. 

“You have to wait until the end,” he tells you. You sigh.

“Fineeee, but I’m done with mine,” you say, getting up and putting it to the side. You ask where his bathroom was so you can go wash your hands. 

When you leave, Taehyung waits to hear the door click shut. He looks at his finished painting, signing it off. 

“How does mommy look on this?” Taehyung asks Youngjae, turning the canvas around. Youngjae’s face lights up as he sees his mom on the canvas.

“Wow! It’s so pretty,” he says, scanning over the painting. 

“Just like mommy right?” Taehyung says. 

“What’s just like mommy?” You say, walking back over to them. Taehyung quickly turns the painting around. 

“Did you two show each other your paintings without me?!” You say. A little hurt. 

“Only Uncle did,” Youngjae says, holding the canvas towards his chest. You glare at Taehyung, making him laugh.

“So you’re done? Let me see,” you say. 

“We all have to be done first,” Taehyung says, looking at Youngjae.

“Well, I’m done,” you say, you look over at your son. “Are you?” He smiles up at both of you, slowly turning his painting around. He was quite excited about it. Proud of himself as well.

“Oh my gosh!” Taehyung says, looking at the painting. “Buddy that looks so good!” Taehyung exclaims. Youngjae smiles up at you happily, content about Taehyung’s reaction.

“I want you to have it,” he says shyly, passing the canvas to Taehyung. Taehyung’s reaction was actually pretty priceless. He was genuinely very happy. He takes the canvas from Youngjae, admiring it up close. It was the best portrait of himself he has ever seen. Of course, it doesn’t look exactly like him, but he got all his features down! You would’ve known right away it was him.

“Thank you, Youngjae,” Taehyung says, “I’m hanging this up in my room.” Youngjae was so proud of himself, especially getting such a great reaction from someone he looked up to, he shyly scoots over to you and hugs you from the side. 

“Mommy’s turn,” Taehyung says. The butterflies in your stomach seem to flap their wings whenever he would call you that. 

“My turn to show? Or are you going to show me your portrait of me?” You ask. 

“I’mma show you mines,” he says, turning his canvas around. Your eyes widened as you saw your own face. You knew he was an artist but you didn’t know he was THIS good. It was almost like a photo, but he seemed to capture your beauty. One that you didn’t know you had, or one you rarely saw in yourself. 

“W-wow,” you say. Taehyung looks up at you. 

“Do you like it?” He says. You look up at him and nod.

“Would it be weird to call a painting of myself beautiful?” You laugh, looking up at him and then back at the painting. 

“No, you’re just telling the truth,” he winks. You felt heat in your cheeks and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“Are you trying to call me beautiful or your painting?” You joke.

“Well considering my painting is you, both.” 

“I wanna see minesss~~~” Youngjae whines, pulling on your arm. 

“Okay okay,” you say, glancing up at Taehyung before grabbing your canvas from the side. You turn it towards him and he smiles at it, giggling a bit.

“What??” You ask, confused about his reaction. 

“I like it…” He says, smiling up at you. You scoff, handing him the painting.

“Well I wasn’t expecting that,” you say, making Taehyung laugh. 

“Mommy is better using pencil and paper,” Youngjae informs Taehyung. 

“Oh is that right? Maybe I have to give mommy lessons on painting huh?” Taehyung says. Youngjae laughs, nodding his head.

“Whatever,” you say. At this point, you didn’t even care that they were teasing your bad painting skills, you were just glad you were all having fun. This is another reason why you loved spending time with Taehyung. It’s always a fun time.

“Oh yeah, Yn,” Taehyung says, pulling you from your thoughts once again. “I had to ask you something.” You raise your brows. 

“Hm?”

“Well let’s get some food first,” he says, getting up to go to the kitchen.

-

The three of you were now sitting at the kitchen table. Taehyung made pasta for you three, Youngjae seemed to like it. 

“Okay so I got a call the other day for an art exhibition a few months from now. I need to submit a few pieces in two weeks,” Taehyung explains. “This is a great opportunity for my art work to get noticed by a much bigger audience.”

“Oh wow, that sounds great! Are you going to do it?” You ask. He nods his head.

“I want to, but they are only taking a handful of artists for this exhibition, and so I have to compete. Then I’d have to do an interview too if I win the competition. If I get picked, my art would be in the exhibition.”

“You’ll get in! You’re the best artist I know!” Youngjae says, noodles hanging off his mouth, listening to the two of you’s conversation. Taehyung laughs, reaching over to wipe Youngjae’s chin with a napkin.

“I hope so buddy.” Taehyung turns to look over at you. “I’m a well known artist online, I have a good following on twitter, but this could get me farther in my career,” he tells you. You nod, waiting for him to continue. “There’s a theme for the exhibition, ‘self love.’ I wanted to ask if you can be one of my muses.” Your eyes widen.

“M-me?”

mini me

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ part eleven: beautiful ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

pairings: artist!taehyung x singlemom!reader

a/n: questions are finally answered lol

we’re finally goin somewhere with this

ALSO HERE’S WHERE THEY MET I FORGOT TO ADD IT IN

picnic blanket, the drabble where it has a small part where taehyung met yn

taglist: @heartfeltscribblings @taexmichi @prdshobi @smarshere @i-swear-im-a-soft-stan @igotarmyofarohas @butterflylion @miagracegrande @casspirit0705 @ephyra1230 @cosmicdaylight @bbyjoonies @betysotelo18 @strwberry-jam @rjsmochii @chocobetterknot @notmontae97 @alpaca1612 @yoongistruth @dragonqueen01 @silentlyimpractical @hecticwonderer @joanc24 @angjeon @momma-said-that-it-was-oke @sweetmoonlight9  @samros95 @dreamcatcherjiah @sonderkook @taekookcaneatme @listless-losers @kookietsukkie @goldenchemistry @salty-for-suga @peoplejustcanthandlemywierdness @softboyfriendtae @raplineh0e @ess-place @callmepaopao @ggukvii @ramyagovindraj @yoongiverse @mipetronella @cloudy-skys @jikachoo @nxtrogers @kookoo-kachoo @taestannie @hispoutylips @hallofbtsmasterlist

TAGLIST IS CLOSED!

[maybedefinitely404]

Day 10: Dukexiety

@tsshipmonth2020

Day 10: You are born with a birthmark, similar to a tattoo, that is shared by your soulmate.

Content warnings: allusions to past suicidal thoughts, just bad mental health past in general, vague bullying, swimming pools, past isolation, minor injury (broken ribs), general anxiety and self deprecation.

Word count: 3.9k

I was very low on time, and very exhausted from work, so I tried something new! I first discovered the concept of ‘bullet fics’ from @illogicallyinclined ‘s hockey au, GO CHECK IT OUT!!! (It’s living in my head rent free for a couple months now)

Virgil, Patton, Logan, and Roman have been friends for as long as they can remember. The first three met at a neighborhood barbecue when they were just a couple years old, and since they all live on the same block, became each other’s go to play buddies. They all stuck together in their first years of school together, the unbreakable trio, and then they met Roman. Or, Roman was pulled into their clutches and was therefore part of the group now. Patton saw him getting bullied across the playground and ran in to help, and now Roman is ‘eternally in their debt’. But they like him, so his extravagance is okay. 

They hung out constantly, all throughout middle and highschool, and they graduated together. It was a big moment for all of them; Patton, who almost got left a grade behind several times (his dyslexia went undiagnosed for several years and he was simply categorized as ‘dumb’), Virgil, who almost didn’t make it due to a mental health crisis, Logan, who was pressured heavily by his parents to move up a grade and had to fight tooth and nail to stay with his friends, and Roman, who’s bullying problems didn’t exactly lessen through the years, and was more than relieved to be leaving that behind. 

That summer, they pledge (mostly by Roman’s pleading) to try and do something fun every day. While Logan says this is improbable and Virgil groans at the thought of spending every day socializing, Patton is excited for the idea and “it’s two against two so you have to at least try!”

“That logic doesn’t make sense-” “Shut it, teach, just let us have this.”

So far, they’ve gone to the amusement park just out of town, gone to the park too many times to count, visited their local arcade that they hadn’t even stepped foot into since middle school, and tie-dyed a variety of clothing items in Patton’s backyard. Today, Patton is forcing them all to go to the pool, despite Logan claiming that they’re “feces infested, germ nesting grounds” and Virgil’s argument that “he burns like an unwatched pot of milk, how can you expect this from me”, Patton’s little puppy eyes do them all in.

Unfortunately, just as they’re leaving for the pool, Roman gets a call. At first it’s civil, and then his voice raises, and then he’s hanging up and throwing his phone onto his seat from where he’s standing next to the open car door. Angrily, he tells his friends that his mom got called into work and his dad’s on a business trip, so they need to take his brother with them.

At first, this raises some confusion.

“I was not under the impression that you had a little brother.”

“How old is he? Either way, I say, the more the merrier!”

Virgil is not thrilled at the idea of babysitting, since kids generally don’t like him, but he doesn’t voice his displeasure. 

Roman has to admit, with much embarrassment, that it’s actually his twin, who is just so chaotically irresponsible that he has lost Home Alone Privileges. He’s broken the TV, accidentally started fires, and lost their dog one too many times and his parents said no more. 

So he drives all the way back to his house, the three friends crammed into the back seat of his two door sedan (because the seats are A Pain to raise and lower and it makes more sense to give said brother the front seat instead of rearranging when they get him), grumbling under his breath about his stupid brother, stupid work, stupid stupid stupid-

Virgil is apt to agree with him, because if being around his three closest friends is enough interaction to mentally exhaust him, adding a new person to the mess is so much worse. He’s generally unexcited to meet this new person… until they pull up to the driveway.

And holy heck. 

This man is GORGEOUS. 

It takes a second for him to realize it’s Roman’s brother, because despite his first assumption, the two are not identical. They’re very similar, obviously related, for sure, but they are surprisingly easy to tell apart, and it’s not just because of the silver streak in the brother’s hair.

Which he should not find as hot as he does.

After Roman insists said brother does need to go get a bathing suit and no you can not go swimming in your jeans, he jumps into the passenger seat and, with as much energy as Roman has at Full Potential, introduces himself as Remus to the backseat audience. 

Patton and Logan both say small hello’s, but Virgil is just stuck.

Dear lord. Princey, why have you been hiding him from me?

When they get to the pool, Virgil makes a complete fool of himself getting out of the car. He trips on his seatbelt, landing directly in Remus’ arms, and looks up to see this devil man grinning at him with all the hubris of a greek god. Before he can say anything, Virgil pushes himself up and rolls his eyes (all while internally screaming) and walks away, joining Patton and Logan where they are just entering the main gate. 

He can’t help it; when in proximity of cuteness, his emergency mode is “be a dick”.

But it only gets worse from there.

When Virgil has an umbrella properly set up above a chair so he can save his skin from the sun (“I burn like unwatched milk on a stove. I’m not going in.”) and is comfortably situated with his phone and iced coffee, Remus steps in front of him to take his shirt off. 

He’s pretty sure Remus didn’t even mean to. It just… happened to be directly in his line of sight. 

As soon as the shirt is above his head, Virgil chokes on his drink, squirting iced coffee out of his nose and going into a coughing fit. Patton rubs his back while Roman tries not to laugh (and fails miserably), all while Remus is just watching him. Confused. (Logan is in the change rooms, because he insists on not wearing his bathing suit unless he is actively about to swim)

There’s more than just the sun issue that prevents Virgil from swimming. While his friend’s soulmarks are relatively small (Roman has a little one on his neck, Logan and Patton have a shared one just above their ankles), Virgil’s is a huge splotch that covers his entire side, reaching from just above his top rib to where his waistband usually lies. It’s all squiggles and lumps; Virgil once compared it to a storm cloud, but the lightning streaks were tentacles. It’s all in all, just… A Mess. And he doesn’t really like it. No one he’s ever met has had a soulmark like that, and he hates standing out.

When Remus takes off his shirt, in all his muscled glory, Virgil can’t miss the matching soulmark that trails down Remus’ side. It’s his, no doubt about it, but… that can’t be right, can it? Remus is so… full of life, dangerous, the epitome of chaotic; he’s everything Virgil is not. More so, he’s terrified of what Remus must think of him. He’s nothing special, he’s just an anxious ball of angst. What if he’s disappointed in who the universe decided to stick him with? 

After he’s done choking on iced coffee, and Logan is back from the change room, he realizes Remus is long gone, in the deep end of the pool trying to gather as many foam noodles as he can. They check that Virgil is alright, and when he merely gives them a shaky thumbs up, they take it at face value and dive in. Except Logan, who uses the steps like a mature adult, you children. 

He lets the rest of his coffee sit in the sun, until the sun melts all the ice cubes and it’s lukewarm to touch and overall, just gross, because suddenly he has no appetite. Yeah, this guy is gorgeous and he’s hopelessly gay for him, but... soulmate? That’s a lot for anyone to take in, much less someone with forty seven different kinds of anxiety. /j

If Virgil was uneasy taking his shirt off before, he sure as hell isn’t doing it now. No matter how much Patton and Roman plead with him, he stays glued to his chair, eyes flickering from his friends playing Marco Polo to watching his soulmate Remus. He’s turned the pool noodles into a giant raft and is trying to balance on it, like an absolute idiot.

An extremely good looking idiot. 

Virgil can’t help but notice that… he’s all alone. Roman, Patton, and Logan barely even throw him the occasional glance, much less invite him to hang out with them in the water. Worse than that, he seems relatively fine with it. It could just be that he doesn’t want to intrude on his brother’s friend group, but Remus doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to have those boundaries. Which kind of insinuates that he’s used to being alone, and Virgil can’t help but empathize. 

He notices it a lot, actually. The group meeting Remus also coincides with Roman and Virgil becoming more close; less of a frenemy relationship, and more of an actual friendship. Patton is delighted, because this means the three of them get to hang out at Roman’s huge place more often without their constant bickering (because when it got bad at one of their houses, Virgil’s was never more than a ten minute walk away when Roman finally pushed his last button. Here, they were all stuck.)

And every time they go over, he can’t help but notice the loud music coming from Remus’ room, or the man just sitting on the couch watching TV (which he tends to do shirtless, which does not help Virgil at all), or irritating Roman’s parrot. All in all, doing things alone. It strikes a chord in Virgil’s heart, which is something he’d never admit to another person.

Maybe that’s why, in the following week when Roman has the grand idea to go on a mountain hike, Virgil quietly asks if they could invite Remus. At first, Roman is adamant. “He’ll just ruin things, he doesn’t appreciate nature, he’s annoying!” But Patton claims “The more the merrier” and Logan doesn’t have any particular stance, so he begrudgingly invites Remus.

Who very excitedly accepts. 

The trail Roman visited is quite a ways out of town, so they cram back into his tiny car and start the drive. Patton claimed shotgun, so him and Roman have derailed into an animated conversation about cartoons, while Logan just pops in his earbuds and leans his head against the window. For the longest time, Remus and Virgil sit in awkward silence, because neither of them could get a word in edgewise to the front seat conversation even if they tried, and they don’t… really… know what to say… to each other. 

It’s Remus who finally breaks the silence (shocker).

“Roman tells more you’re the one who wanted to invite me.”

“Yeah, well, you seemed lonely. And… I mean, you’re Roman’s brother. Can you really be that bad?”

He means it as a joke, but he sees the light in Remus’ eyes die slightly. The tone of his voice doesn’t falter though, remaining as joyful and quirky as always. 

“I’m a lot more fun than Roman. People just don’t like to see it that way.”

“Setting your kitchen curtains on fire is fun?”

“If you were there, you’d understand!”

And they keep talking, maybe trailing into borderline flirting, for the whole ride. Virgil is surprised at the lack of tenseness in his shoulders, because though Remus is loud and a little unsettling, he is incredibly patient when Virgil has trouble forming his sentences and doesn’t interrupt him when he’s talking; an incredible help to someone with crippling anxiety. Underneath his exterior, he’s actually… incredibly soft? What?

By the time they pull up to the trail, Remus is actually starting to grow on Virgil. Since Patton and Roman are still so into their debate, and Logan seems content listening to his music (or podcast, but who really knows), they continue talking as the hike starts. The shorter boy can’t help but glance at the other every few seconds, seeing their soulmark just peeking past the edge of his baggy tank top. If Remus notices, he says nothing. 

And he learns Remus was bullied a lot through school, just like Roman was, but instead of finding a group that supported him, he broke off as a lone wolf. He came off scary or maybe just a little bit crazy to anyone he tried to befriend, since his social skills were pretty lacking due to disuse and his incredible lack of filter, so he learned early that staying alone hurt less. And in that time, he just became more and more… Like That… because he literally never had peers to mature with. 

The hike is a long one. Remus is pretty eager to spill his guts, probably since he was never able to before, so Virgil feels obligated to do the same. He tells Remus about his anxiety, about his mental health issues during school, about his home life and his hobbies, and the fact that there are more people around just fades into the background. It could as well be just them, and Virgil starts to wish it was. 

So of course, that’s when everything goes to shit.

A mountain biker comes ripping down the path, too quick to even process, and Virgil is caught off guard. Of course, he’s not walking near the edge of the path, because he has some shred of common sense, but the bike speeding by him causes him to flinch and stumble to the side; an instinctual reaction. Except his instincts decided to not remember until the last second that he’s at the edge of the trail.

It’s almost like happening in slow motion, his foot goes over the edge, and he doesn’t realize what’s about to happen until his other foot is already off the ground, ready to take that next step back, and he’s falling. Luckily (as lucky as one can be in this situation), it’s not a straight drop, just a decently long, steep slope that’s essentially just a bunch of rocks and weeds. 

He hears his friends scream his name, sees a hand fly out to catch him, and it just snags the edge of his jacket before he’s freefalling for a split moment. One heart stopping, never ending, eternal and all too short moment of weightlessness where he twists his body, hoping to try and brace himself, and then he meets the slope.

Hard.

His breath leaves him in a wheeze and he distinctly hears a loud snap. Through his pain addled brain, he tries to stop his slide further down by grabbing anything; rocks, roots, dirt. It’s useless.

He stops naturally, on a small ledge several meters from the top before the slope continues. For a moment, he can only lay there, trying to breathe through the intense pain flaring through him pretty much everywhere, not to mention the sheer levels of pure panic numbing his thoughts. He stares at the clouds, watching them as they float by, each breath spreading fire through his torso but at the same time strangely numb.

And then, “VIRGIL!”

His eyes shoot open (wait, when did he close them?) to see Remus’ concerned face above his. If the messied state of his outfit is any indication, this man just slid down the slope to catch up to him. His hands are hovering above Virgil, scared to touch, but more scared that Virgil is going to keep falling.

“Fuck,” is Virgil’s eloquent response. He tries to take a deep breath, tries to do his breathing pattern to calm his nerves, but NOPE. Wrong move. 

He immediately gasps and his hands fly to his ribs, another flair of pain shooting up them. Remus’ hands grab his, pulling them away from his torso, holding them securely. “I think you have some broken ribs. That was… one hell of a fall. We need to get you back up to the trail though, okay?”

Virgil can only nod his head, allowing Remus to help him stand, biting his lip so hard to keep from crying out that his lip splits. It hurts.

Trust Logan to come up with ideas on the fly. The biker must have stopped when he realized Virgil had fallen (at least he didn’t just keep driving), because when Virgil opened his tear filled eyes, there was a bike tire just a few feet from his face. He followed the frame of the bike, up to where Roman was holding the other wheel and standing precariously on the slope. Logan is clinging onto his hand, one foot on the slope and one on the actual trail, and if Virgil has to guess, the biker and Patton are just out of sight, keeping Logan steady. 

Virgil knows it’s going to hurt before Remus even warns him that it will, watching the taller man get a good grip on the bike wheel, before holding Virgil’s wrist with as much force that can muster without actively cutting off circulation. Virgil holds onto his wrist in return, Remus gives a shout to go ahead, and the human/bike chain they’ve created begins to pull them up. 

And oh lord, if Virgil thought just laying down was painful, tripping and stumbling up a steep incline is another world altogether. This time, biting his lip doesn’t work and he lets out a few muffled cries as the team works together, Remus squeezing his wrist every time a choked sound escapes his lips, mind too full of pure agony to even curse.

When they finally step foot onto the trail again, Virgil is in tears, and he is too far gone to even care. The biker is incredibly apologetic, offering his contact information and bidding them adieu when they insist that they’re okay now, and takes off, at an admittedly much slower pace than he was at before. 

Logan, the only one of them with proper (and extensive) first aid training, forces Virgil to sit, giving him time to find a position that puts as little pressure on his ribs as possible, before crouching in front of him.

“Let me check if they’re broken.”

His hand reaches out towards Virgil’s shirt and all the alarm bells start BLARING. No. No, no, no, no, no. Before he can restrain himself, he reaches out and slaps Logan’s hand away, sending another wave of pain through him. The pain doesn’t matter though, not in comparison to Logan possibly revealing his soulmark. 

Logan doesn’t understand this reaction properly (when does he ever), so he tries again.

“Virgil, I need to check the extent of the damage. A cracked rib means you can still make it back to the car. A broken rib would require emergency services and probable air lifting to prevent further damage, like a punctured lung.”

“Fine,” Virgil hisses through clenched teeth, bitterly understanding his logic, “Just… don’t take the shirt off.”

He tries to say it to only Logan, but it’s clear the other’s heard it by the way they exchange confused glances. Yes, they’ve never seen Virgil without a shirt, except they’d always pegged that up to insecurities. Wouldn’t those take a back seat in a possible medical emergency? 

Logan complies, however, and slides his hand under the hem of his shirt without moving the fabric. He runs his hands slowly up each rib, concentrating heavily, until he reaches one midway up and Virgil yelps, instinctively flinching backwards.

Startled by the reaction (it’s his first time actually administering first aid like this, give him a break), Logan jumps back, forgetting his hand is still under Virgil’s shirt.

His hand moves up.

Virgil moves back.

And the hem of his shirt rises up his chest for just a moment.

A moment’s all that’s needed, though. When you notice something that you’ve seen yourself a hundred times over, admiring this way and that in the mirror to commit it to memory, it only takes a glance to recognize it.

Remus only needed that split second of the shirt riding up to notice the lower half of the soulmark, and he definitely did notice it, if the way his jaw drops is anything to go off of. Virgil winces again, not from pain this time, and looks down at his shoes, abhorring the awkward silence that ensues.

The other three don’t understand, watching the two of them with varying levels of confusion, until Remus blurts:

“Are you my soulmate?”

And everything clicks into place. Virgil nods mutely, still not looking up, afraid of his reaction. Would he be upset Virgil kept it a secret? Would he be disappointed? Would he would he would he-

“Oh thank GOD!”

That’s… not the reaction he was expecting. He looks up to see Remus grinning like a child on their birthday, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“I mean, if I’d want anyone to be my soulmate, it would be you! You don’t hate me, which a lot of people do, and you actually listen to me, which is nice, and not to mention you’re super hot, like the whole emo thing is just-”

“Remus!” Roman screeches, cutting him off, “You’re embarrassing him, let him breathe!”

It’s the first time Roman has ever come to Virgil’s defense, and he’s only vaguely happy about that. Truth is, he’s so much more wrapped up in the fact that Remus is actually happy that he doesn’t even notice Logan’s back to touching his ribs until another sharp pain brings him back.

“They’re definitely not broken. Fractured, at worst. Either way, you’re going to the hospital. Only question is, can you get down to the car?”

Virgil wants to nod, wants to go along with no problem, but he can barely take a step before his knees almost give out. If he could double over without making everything worse, he would. 

Remus doesn’t see this as a problem, though, eagerly offering Virgil to ride on his back until they get to the bottom. The shorter is, obviously, reluctant to this plan, seeing as how it’s a decently long trail and he isn’t that light, but damn, his soulmate insists, and next thing he knows, he’s gingerly holding onto Remus’ shoulders as he pushes back into a standing position.

(If he wasn’t already super hot, he’s strong, too? Virgil has struck the literal jackpot.)

He buries his face into the crook of Remus’ neck, trying not to wince at every jolt and bump as they maneuver their way down the hill, all conversation halted so they can focus on the two of them. Roman walks in front of them and Patton and Logan behind, ready to jump into action at any sign of stumbling. 

But it’s okay, it actually is, Virgil realizes as they’re making their way down the hill. Sure, they only really bonded today, but they also bonded in a day, and if that’s not telling of the future they’ll have together, whether romantic or platonic (they still need to talk that out), it’s gonna be okay.

Anyone who’s willing to throw themselves into harm's way and carry you down a mountain has got to be a worthy soulmate.

[wipodu-ao3]

Making it work - a HTTYD fanfic

Read it on Ao3. Join the Discord!

A Fem!Hiccup AU.

Summary:

Hiccup had made up her mind. Dragon killing was not for her, no matter how much her father protested, she was done with it. She was done trying to fit in. She was going to be who she wanted to be, it's not like anyone cared.

[Ongoing]

Hiccup shut the door of the house with force. Every time! Every time she made a mistake her father humiliated her. He thought he was just raising her with ‘the Viking way’, but she knew he could do that in the privacy of their home and not outside for the whole village to see! He just didn’t… he didn’t know how to raise a daughter.

She understood that. She accepted that. But she wasn’t lying! Hiccup had really shot down a Night Fury! Well if no one believed her, she would go out on her own. Nobody cared enough to stop her. She would show them that she wasn’t lying, that she was capable of being a viking as much as they were.

Hiccup left the house using the back door, to avoid any of the taunts she would undoubtedly receive. She knew the woods of the island like the back of her hand, she spent a lot of time there. It was like a second home to her and even with the setting sun and darkness approaching she didn’t fear getting lost.

Being in the woods helped her relax and get away from… everything. From her father, from the bullies, from the scrutiny of the tribe. Her only friends were Gobber and Ruffnut, as sad as that sounded, she didn’t mind. The other teens her age weren’t that kind to her. Her cousin made fun of her constantly, the twins always joined in, but Ruffnut always did so in a teasing way, not like the cruel way the two boys did.

Fishlegs was her friend once, but ultimately he succumbed to the pressure of being one of the ‘cool’ vikings. And Arne… Arne was indifferent mostly, he didn’t make fun of her, he even helped her at some points in her life, but he wasn’t friendly either. He strived for greatness and was Stoick’s favorite without really trying.

Stoick always talked about Arne, how great the boy was, how he will grow up to be a great viking, how the boy would make a great Chief. Like Hiccup didn’t know these things, the crush she had on the boy was enough proof that she did. She hid the crush as best as she could, not because she cared what others thought, no. She hid her crush because her disinterest in the subject was the only thing keeping Stoick away from arranging a marriage with the boy’s father.

She walked through the forest with confidence, she had drawn a map in her notebook just to keep track of the places she had been already. Hiccup crossed out another place on the map, no Night Fury there. This was getting irritating. She knew that the God’s had it out for her, it was already obvious at that point! So why, oh why, couldn’t they give her a break?

“Oh, the gods hate me. Some people lose their knife or their mug. No, not me. I manage to lose an ENTIRE DRAGON?!” She exclaimed, airing her frustrations to the sky as she shut her notebook forcefully.

She slapped a branch out of her way, but it came back and caught her eye in its way. Hiccup glared at the branch with hatred, but something got her attention. The branch was snapped – scratch that – the whole tree was snapped in half. The only thing that could’ve done that would be… the Night Fury!

Hiccup followed the ditch that had been carved out by the falling dragon. She didn’t care about the dirt she got on herself as she ran forwards, twisting her ankle a bit, she didn’t feel the sting, she was too excited. As she reached a small hill peering over it, she was it. The Night Fury was there! Bound and helpless, easy to kill.

She approached the dragon carefully. It seemed to be dead already, that didn’t diminish her spirits, all she needed was a part of it to show to her father and then… then he would leave her alone, she would show what she could do and he would finally be proud of her.

“Oh, wow. I did it. Oh, I did it!” she could help but exclaim, “This fixes everything! Yes! I have brought down this mighty beast!” she boasted as she put her leg on the body.

The body under her foot moved, startling her quite a bit, she took out her dagger with shaking hands. The dragon was alive, that changed things.

“I'm going to kill you, dragon. I'm going to cut out your heart and take it to my father.” Her voice trembled, but she kept trying to reassure herself, “I'm a Viking. I am a VIKING!”

Hiccup looked over the dragon, from its bound tail to his open – oh Thor it was open – eye. She tried to steady herself, but her eyes kept going back to the frightened eyes of the dragon. Those eyes were so… human. The Night Fury was as scared as she was.

“I did this,” she whispered to herself, her voice filled with remorse.

She lowered her dagger as she started to feel guilt overwhelm her. She did this. She had taken this beast and shot it out of the sky for her own gain. Hiccup didn’t have the guts to go through with it, she didn’t have what it takes to take a life for her own temporary gain. Because with her track record, it would be only temporary.

She looked down at the dragon, the dragon had accepted his fate, but Hiccup had other plans. No one believed her, no one would know that she let the dragon go. She kneeled next to the beast, taking the bolas rope and pulling it away from the body, cutting every rope one by one. With the last rope the dragon shot up, pining Hiccup under its claws.

This was it, Hiccup hadn’t thought things through, had she? Of course the dragon would be mad! Well, with the hot breath of the dragon fanning her face, she accepted her fate. What a way to go! The tribe’s disappointment killed by a dragon, how ironic in a way.

But she wasn’t dead. The dragon had leaned in and when she thought it was all over, the Night Fury just roared in her face and flew off. She was alive! She pulled all of her strength and stood up to head back, she didn’t make it far as her vision went black.

When she woke up, it was already dark. Oh Thor, her father was probably back home and he was wondering where she was. She did not want to deal with him tonight! But she still made her way home, her bed sounding way better than the cold forest floor.

As she made her way inside, her heart fell when she saw her father still up. She sighed to herself as she tried to get pass him, she didn’t succeed.

“Hiccup.” Her father’s voice stopped her halfway up the stairs.

“Dad,” she greeted him back.

“I have to talk to you,” Stoick turned to her, his eyes widening at her dirty appearance.

“I have to talk to you too,” Hiccup agreed, she would have to tell him that she was giving up on dragons sooner or later, but sooner was better.

“I've decided I don't want to fight dragons anymore.”

“I think it's time you learn to fight dragons.”

They said at the same time, then again they spoke simultaneously.

“What?”

“You go first,” Stoick told her.

“No, no, you go first,” she insisted, buttering him up might stop him from getting angry after she told him that she didn’t want anything to do with dragons.

“Alright. You get your wish. Dragon Training. You start in the morning.” Stoick said in conclusion, without even asking her what she wanted.

“Oh, man, I should've gone first!” Hiccup was panicking, this wasn’t the plan, “Uh, 'cause I was thinking, you know, we have a surplus of dragon-fighting Vikings, but do we have enough... bread-making Vikings, or small home repair Vikings--?”

“You'll need this,” he said as he pushed an axe that he got from the wall into her hands.

“I don't want to fight dragons,” she disagreed trying to push the axe away from herself.

“Come on. Yes, you do,” Stoick laughed her statement off.

“Let me rephrase: Dad, I can't kill dragons,” she pleadingly told him.

“But you will kill dragons.”

“No, I'm really very extra sure that I won't.”

“It's time, Hiccup.” Stoick forcefully said to her.

“Can you not hear me?!” she exclaimed in frustration.

“This is serious, Hiccup!” Stoick yelped, “When you carry this axe, you carry all of us with you. Which means you walk like us. You talk like us. You think like us. No more of... this.” He explained gesturing to her.

“You just gestured to all of me,” she rebutted in offence.

“Deal?” he asked her.

“This conversation is feeling very one-sided,” She complained with a frown.

“DEAL?!” he basically shouted as he pushed the axe to her once again.

“Deal,” she sighed as she took the axe, seeing the conversation going nowhere.

“Good,” he said satisfied, “Train hard. I'll be back. Probably.” He told her as he picked up his things and left the house.

“And I'll be here. Maybe,” she whispered to herself, she looked down at the axe she could barely hold up, determination filled her, she knew what to do. “But you won’t like what I’m going to be,” she said to the empty house with a smirk.

‘I wonder what Ruff is up to?’ she thought to herself as she let the axe drop from her grasp.

[skeetlehand]

ghost!tommy au masterpost #2

ghost tommy au masterpost part one

I made another one. w hhh

au summary: tommy loses his final canon life during the explosion right after the pogtopia vs. manberg war

Nobody really knew where he’d gone either - Tommy had allegedly gone “missing” after the festival. In L’manberg, everyone figured that while it was odd, since tommy would usually be running down the Prime path shouting, or just being generally loud and annoying... he was just... missing. Nobody had seen him all week, but everyone had thought they were the singular individual who hadn’t seen him lately. Eventually when one of them asked where he’d been, everyone came to the consensus that they weren’t the only ones who hadn’t seen him. At first, they thought he was just grieving, since he spent the most time with wilbur. But then ghostbur shows up, which, while was a pretty sad/happy moment, it raised some sort of unease.... 

.... and then, ghost tommy shows up.

I put more details under the cut!!! enjoy pain yall

feel free to send asks about... well, anything! if you found something interesting here, share it! if you’ve got a completely unrelated idea, share it! i like to read your asks. I promise i’ll answer... eventually... (the five asks in my inbox @ me: 👀)

courtesy of @gheysnakelady and their great ideas 👀❤️(you have so many good ones!!!)

current table of contents:

ghost tommy’s appearance

relationships with the rest of the sbi

ghost tommy’s memories

other ghost tommy stuff (misc i guess)

a) presence 

b) connections 

c) blue/yellow 

d) body found

”””pranks”””

dreamon hunters...? (become basically bootleg ghostbusters. but just only one of them.)

TBC: to be touched upon in the next masterpost/page set

relationships with the rest of the smp

a) SAM SAM SAM BIG BROTHER SAM AAA; b) the cabinet + lmanberg... hhh tubbo n big q,,, fundy and niki,,, dream,, the badlands... i need ideAS

reactions to the reveal (at some point... big oof)

.... a revival? phil no -

1. Ghost!Tommy’s Appearance

(should... should I be calling him ghostinnit now? yall use that term a whole lot...)

before he meets anyone (excluding ghostbur and maybe philza. some others might’ve seen him lingering around certain places, faintly), he looked simultaneously exactly as he did before he died, overlaid by his prior deaths (an sword/axe(?) to the back when trying to escape dream during eret’s betrayal, an arrow wound that goes in deep, and currently, visible blast marks and the wither effect). He hadn’t figured out what he looked like yet, other than the noticeable vision problems, but when he did, he did his best to change his form (it’s my current theory that ghosts look like what they want to look like - ie. ghostbur’s nice yellow sweater being a choice on his end). It’s an effort, to look “okay”, and when he goes off the rails, there are hints to what he looks like. 

it’s mostly because... Tommy remembers his death vicariously.  All of them. This is not a good thing.

when he does meet people, his form is slightly transparent, but he looks almost normal. there’s that new hairstyle, which really isn’t a stylistic choice on my end ;’] ... there is a lot of sooty(?) grey patches on his sleeves, and a large black mark smack dab in the middle his shirt. The wither markings on his hands aren’t clear, but that they are there is visible. He hates the wither effects the most - no matter what he does, how hard he concentrates, they. don’t. go. away.

He’s got hair over his eye, like wilbur. Gets uncomfortable when it’s joked about, because that’s a part of his face that’s.... yknow.... and he can’t hide it otherwise

Since ghost!tommy is more emotionally gripped than ghostbur is, unable to let go of the past and all the memories + emotions from it (while ghostbur lets go of it Very Easily), his form shifts a lot. Not only to his “death form” (all of his canon deaths on one ‘current’ form), but to that of the different arcs - dirty long sleeves for pogtopia (it’s cold in the ravines, and he don’t got a coat), ripped revolutionary outfit (eret’s betrayal and the arrow both happened here)... and during his more mellower moments, a green bandana that goes around the neck. He’s constantly changing in clarity, too. It’s hard to focus on him at times.

2. Relationships with the SBI found family gang: pain

did you really think we could have nice things in this au? if so... ouch

Phil

tommy did see him sort of as a dad/some sort of older figure to come to for help. but phil has a history of not exactly being a Dad. sure, he basically adopted techno, and wilbur definitely saw him as a dad, but for tommy, it’s an unspoken relationship that they should be like that, that phil should have his back, that tommy can ask phil for help. yet, they don’t. Phil showed up way too late in the game to make an effort on all of the impacts the wars and pogtopia and wilbur have created, and maybe tommy resents him a little, for leaving him and his brothers alone on the server. maybe tommy saw wilbur die by philza’s hands, moments before he did the same point is, tommy was never a “difficult child” persay, he made all of his complaints loud and clear. philza didn’t expect to do any “underneath the underneath” with him... and didn’t feel like tommy needed the attention all that much, since he could basically occupy himself. 

Think of it like this, at least in my au, that phil was never meant to be a dad. He just chose to be some sort of strong figure in the boys’ lives (found family!!!!) - but he was a survivor first and foremost, and sometimes it shows. His habits rubbed off on his boys, and that shows too - him avoiding talking about Big Things with ghost tommy is reminiscent of how ghostbur dances around questions, and being pressured into doing things is reminiscent of techno.

Tommy, on the other hand, felt as if phil always favored techno, and if not techno, then wilbur, over him. it’s okay though! he doesn’t need phil, he’s a Big Man™! Look at him... dealing with... a war... exile... funky brother problems... more war... okay maybe if phil showed up sooner things would’ve been better but he didn’t so tommy had to be the bigger man! that’s... that’s okay...? hmm. okay maybe he’s mad at phil a little bit,,,,

techno

ahh, complicated relationships *rubs hands*. 

tommy was proud of his brother, at first, the way only little brothers can be, bragging about their cooler bigger bro - that, and tommy lowkey thought there’d be someone to help him with wilbur’s decline. haha NOPE. techno don’t do emotional. thanks,,,,,

on the other hand, all ghost tommy can remember is techno being the unspoken favorite, the favorite child, the favorite brother, teasing and feelings of inadequacy (techno wasn’t a bad brother, though... just... better). And then…he remembers techno showing up well into wilbur’s long decline, techno’s silence when he could’ve used someone to speak up for him, techno’s passiveness towards the paranoia, techno’s stoicism when all tommy wanted was someone to be strong, someone else to be the better man. instead, the job was left to him. why was it always left to him? he wasn’t supposed to do all of this, right?

Techno doesn’t feel all too bad about it, before tommy’s death is discovered. He thinks that the impact of the statement was made through humiliation and violence enough (tommy being pinned down, the hero speech, the ruined victory, etc). What did tommy expect, using the Blade like that? honestly, techno’s a little offended, that tommy thought he could use his brother that easily, like some weapon made of more skill than any of them know what to do with. Techno had made his opinions very clear on government, and then they go on to appoint another one? (even though, it was sort of clear that the goal was to “go back” to the old lmanberg, government and all) so tommy kinda had it coming. besides, he’d respawn and they’d go back to normal.

but then wilbur dies, permanently, and techno has to watch his brother come undone into something else barely reminiscent of what he was momnents ago... ghostbur barely even resembles the wilbur techno used to remember. death matters, on this server, which is two blows in themselves that techno will have to deal with. and then... tommy doesn’t respawn.

techno was sure he’d seen tommy around lmanberg. albeit, like, kinda quiet, but maybe the kid was going through rough times since wilbur died. it wasn’t like techno was going to talk to him about it or anything, since his presence probably wouldn’t be welcomed anyway. tommy was kind of immature, in that regard - he’d be really annoying and yell, like he always did when something didn’t go his way. that, and he wasn’t exactly welcome in lmanberg anymore...

besides, if tommy had a problem, he’d make it clear himself, right?

wilbur/ghostbur

There’s a lot tommy isn’t willing to talk, about wilbur. What could he even say? more than half of the things he did, challenges he stepped up to, were to make Wilbur proud (as he remembered him). He hated losing, because he liked winning more, sure, but also because he wanted to make wilbur proud of him. See: the bow duel, giving up his disc for freedom.

but pogtopia wilbur, well... things only got worse. sometimes, things looked a little better, but over time, tommy learned to expect what came after. even with techno there, tommy was always left to be the “bigger man” - in the aftermath of the festival, the pit, the final pet war - no matter how much he lost, it was always him having to move forward from that point. nobody really helped. it was just tommy and wilbur, and the sound of silence in the ravine.

tommy saw the final explosion of lmanberg as both the ultimate betrayal (the worst thing wilbur could’ve done, couldn’t he have waited, phil was here, surely phil couldve done what tommy spent months trying to do, what techno wouldn’t do, why couldn’t wilbur have this?) but at the same time, he... figured wilbur would pull sometime like this. at this point, the victory might’ve lightened his spirits a whole lot, but he spent months with wilbur alone and in the course of the preparatory week, wilbur didn’t miraculously get better. tommy wishes he did, and he can wish all he wants, but deep down, he knows that he didn’t. the others might’ve not noticed, since they weren’t there for that long.

as for ghostbur, it’s... awkward. 

With ghostbur, he’s stuck between wanting to reach out to his big brother and stay away due to alivebur’s memory living in constant loop in his head. Sad as it is to say, he was sort of… relieved, when ghostbur revealed the extent of his memory loss. after that point..  if ghostbur remembers all the happy bits of their time on the server, surely he could help fill in the gaps? 

Ghostbur was kind of the first person he saw when he resurfaced, and ghostbur then couldn’t really understand the gravity of the situation, nor who tommy was because of how he acted and looked before. tommy didn’t approach him either, mostly out of fear and anticipation. (he couldn’t imagine this of all things, being stuck with wilbur for all of his undying days, hadn’t he had enough?) 

At first, it’s awkward. He doesn’t know what to say, or when to say things, and he’s a lot quieter than in life, so it’s noticeable. He meets Ghostbur, who greets him with joy, until he realizes that Tommy is dead. Memories of the manberg v pogtopia war arise, and he flees. He does not come back, because looking at Tommy hurts. tommy doesn’t get it, really... but.....

and every moment after that, the way ghostbur looks at him, with the guilt in his eyes, the way that he looks away, unable to bear looking anymore… well, tommy is starting to think ghostbur remembers a lot more than what he’s willing to let on (he’s afraid he is). If wilbur doesn’t like him, that’s not… that’s nothing new, anyway. it’s probably one of the few things that didn’t change.

3. Ghost Tommy’s Memories

Going by the HC that they’re caused by how you feel when you die. ie. Wilbur dies happy because he is relieved by Phil stabbing him. That he can rest, while Tommy gets the opposite. Wanting to live but having it so cruelly taken by a loved one that you trusted, only feeling pain and betrayal and the feelings when they had while dying is the reason why they only hold certain memories.

Basically: like Wilbur, only remembers memories associated with a type of feeling. However, unlike Wilbur, Tommy only remembers the bad things.

Ghostbur suggested to phil, who in turn, suggested to tommy that he recorded his memories in a book, like he did! thus, tommy’s “What I remember” book: which is full of stuff he just wants to remember

Dream Good Times (this is just a lie, haha... but refers to the time (read: blank space) before the first disk war)

jokes! (when you make fun of someone, even in good jest, it’s possible they won’t take it that way themselves.)

My home (because it’s been griefed and destroyed so many times at this point)

The disks (not what they sound like though, just that they were apparently important, that he fought for them. he can’t remember what they sound like)

My pets (pet wars. can’t remember whose pet was whose. he remembers mars, though. he talked to mars a lot, on days that pogtopia was quiet... empty...)

the duel

Winning the war (trading the disks for freedom)

L’manberg (manberg)

… Tubbo (? ...dying at the festival.)

Techno & Wilbur  (and phil, and what they did to him, and what they didn’t do.)

pogtopia hanging out with friends (there was nothing good about pogtopia, so he crossed it off and wrote the most blandest happy thing he could replace it with. he wishes pogtopia was just that)

the pit

winning the war (the victory, the explosion his death. if you ask why he wrote it twice, he just.. hesitates. “we won, right?” you might nod along, assuming his memory was just being faulty, that all he could remember were the two victories, that like wilbur, nothing beyond the election/exile registered... but you could also note that neither of those “victories” really felt like winning, in the end. consider the cost...)

i have a secret second list for his “actual memories”. i call it “the list of grievances”. i am so clever haha

4. other ghost tommy stuff

since ghostbur had to go and add some stuff to ghost Lore™, i guess ghost tommy now melts in the rain and snow. not that he really... cares...

other things! these are ideas, idk...

1. presence

maybe whenever he gets near someone, the temperature drops and people feel overwhelmingly negative emotions (ie. sadness, pain, anger, guilt, etc). the intensity of the sadness effect depends on the person or if the person is near - the more that person had done, the more they felt.

Wilbur just feels like melancholy. nobody really notices, since it’s .... well.

2. connections to things?

maybe he’ll be found at certain locations, like his house/jukebox, the election podium, pogtopia, etc, etc... just, ghosting...

4. maybe he’s not actually dead

3. have some blue .... or yellow

either:

a) ghostbur gives tommy some blue to hand out, trying to be nicer to him anyway, like “give people this, it makes people happier if you give them something to drain the sadness”!! but when tommy tries to hand it out, it’s already fully blue. If asked if it was supposed to be transparent, or why it’s already blue, or etc, he responds with “no it's always been blue for me!” because when he’s given it, it turns blue instantly. maybe he seems little sad it doesn’t work on him, but it must be because he’s a ghost, right?

or

b) maybe he makes yellow that gives people happiness (it turns transparent as it’s used), but when he holds it it stays yellow.... because really all it does is draw up previous feelings of contentment, but... can't feel happy if you've never felt it before :’]

4. his body discovery

his body can be found where it was last... left. since he didn’t respawn.

They find him while cleaning up the rest of the rubble. and it's evident how he died, because there are wither marks, explosion burns, and... a final injury that must’ve been the killing blow, since there’s no way he would’ve survived that. it's evident he suffered, but not from the killing blow. his face has that... expression. he looks as miserable as his ghost does, at times (contrary to wilbur's exact opposite). maybe techno is there. they're not sure if tommy just got caught in the crossfire. they think he did, because he was buried under all of this. who would have ... intentionally done this to him...? while he was trapped?

maybe techno approaches to see what everyone looks so wicked out by. and he sees his brother or more like, what was left of his brother. oof.

5. Pranks: completely out of chronological order i guess... BUT I WANTED TO INCLUDE IT AAA

tommy isn’t... peaceful. he’s not at peace. he’s surrounded by the people who he can remember taunting him, hurting him, betraying him, all he can remember feeling is anger, grief and resentment - how long do you think he’ll play nice for? even though he wants things to go back to normal, either he feels like he’s much too dead for anything to ever be the same, and/or everyone ... moved on pretty quick, huh.

tommy begins to prank the server, like he used to. but there’s a pattern to it, and it quickly devolves from seemingly light-hearted to borderline malicious and definitely inconveniencing/annoying.

ghost tommy filling dream's current base/go-to-residency (since this man canonically homeless) with clay... and then, later, other blocks, like tnt, obsidian... 

he sets up multiple jukeboxes when dream goes to sleep and have them all play cat/melohi at different intervals at once, kind of like. "you wanted this so bad, now eat it”.

misplace sapnap's current pets (if he has any). fill sapnap's house with horses, cows all named "h" names, and eventually turn it into an elaborate aquarium filled with tropical fish.

George’s house gets scrambled: like the blocks all get swapped and stuff, or replaced with lime wool/clay. maybe fill his house with alarm clocks or something? idk

He's hesitant about techno... so one of his earlier steps is: collaborate with sam with the horse maze (who sees it as a bonding activity! fun for the whole family!), but in the books, on the last page of all the books, he writes notes like "you know what you did" and stuff idk, i gotta come up with 8 of those. at the end, skeppy brings back the books and the hornse and techno's like haha i didn't write those books! and skeppy says, that makes sense! why would your write this... (he assumes the first few are threats, but then they reference techno in diff ways, so he gets confused), and then techno's like: wait what

maybe he probably releases all the horses n cows and other things techno’s got. or relocates them (cause he still cares about animals, he doesn't want to hurt them... he's not sapnap after all)

at first it's funny, normal. then it's annoying. and then it becomes worrying. it elevates in destructive tendencies, and also escalates in amount so people start going "tommy this is so annoying"-> exactly the reaction he wants, so he continues -> "this isn't funny anymore, tommy!" well, it never was supposed to be :)

....and they realize suddenly that none of it was meant to be a "prank" or a joke, tommy genuinely was trying to make their lives as hard as they did him.

ALSO EDIT: i bring you: dreamon hunters! part two! tubbo n fundy fight over what to do with ghost tommy, as tubbo doesn't think there's anything wrong with tommy (it’s his best friend, of course nothing’s wrong!), while fundy thinks he's a malicious poltergeist (with all the pranks.... that’s... that’s not tommy. tommy isn’t that spiteful... is he? )