confused-n-queer

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It’s funny I’m remembering how I would wake up crazy early and hid in bed because I knew I wasn’t allowed/supposed to be out of bed yet and was scared of my parents. Not that they’d actually do anything I just was. I’d lay in bed listening to my dad’s alarm chirp maddeningly for what felt like hours wishing it would stop and that I could get up and eat and just exist. But it was too early for me to be allowed to be noisy. After all I “stomped around like an elephant” and was clumsy and would sometimes drop stuff on accident.

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In a ptsd state slept all day yesterday until about 6/7pm put off going downstairs because I’d have to face my family’s judgement. Felt and looked Panicky jumpy and small. I showered. I did however make myself a turkey sandwich with a side of chips and salsa and ice water which was a win. Bad news I also ate 4 pop tarts (two packages) over a few hours. Watched mindless YouTube content to keep from panicking and because I was just so fucked up and in my head and didn’t want to think. I’m currently starving. I made myself instant noodles at 3am but I’m still so hungry I went downstairs at about 4:30/4:40 to cook more to satiate my hunger but mom was downstairs and clearly unhappy and cleaning the kitchen so after standing waiting for an opening mom asked “what do you need?” not cruely but more confused and in a I’m in the middle of something way and she looked at me like I was high when I said I was going to make noodles. I quickly said I’d come back later and fled. What is wrong with me. It’s like I’m an intruder in my own home. I feel like I have to explain everything and like I owe an apology for needing food after a 22 hour fast (9pm sat to 7pm sun) caused by depression and ptsd and a lack of meds. I did however design a portfolio piece text a friend put my dirty laundry away and sorted it stripped my bed and made it and vacuumed part of my floor while they sat and watched the Super Bowl. They had to check I wasn’t dead wich makes me feel bad. I’m sorry.

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God, he's so cunty. that's a babygirl right there

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god gives his most specific, hard to explain genders to his strongest dykes

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bloodsisters (1995) dir. michelle handelman

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Role models

Relatable

Informed the protector squad/defensive aditude

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self-love/self-hate

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from Original Plumbing, a publication for and by transmasculine people.

What's your favorite part of being a transsexual?

"While I often wish I was born a bio boy and didn't have to go through all of this, it's more often that I find it a blessing to have lived and experienced both sides of life, sex and gender and get to play in-between. To have been a girl, a woman, a lesbian, a dyke, a tomboy, a 'questioning', a boy, and now a queer man is pretty amazing and fucking hot!"

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I want you carnally and intensely but its okay dude its no big deal

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As an adult still living with their abusive parent, I often find that affirmations meant to empower me are unhelpful at best. They often feel like they're overstating the amount of agency I have as an adult; I've spent my entire life being abused. It's all I know and I have a lifetime of conditioning and nervous system damage to show for it.

All that doesn't just go away now that I'm older than 18, and neither do the material circumstances that keep me here. Even though I have more legal rights and have grown since I was younger, I am still not in control by the very nature of being the victim in an abusive relationship. So, for those who relate, here are some affirmations that might hit different:

My abuser does not have my best interests in mind, even if they think they do.

I am my own person; my mind and body belong to me.

My feelings are justified, and I deserve to feel and express them.

I am doing what I need to survive, and that is all I need to do.

I am doing my best given the knowledge, resources, and support I have.

I am the only person who can decide what is best for me.

My situation is unfair and wrong. I deserve to be happy and safe.

I do not have to engage in toxic positivity; that will only hurt me.

As long as I am alive, there is something good in this life for me - no matter how small.

I have inherent rights just because I exist.

I shouldn't have to deal with this on my own; I deserve support and protection.

Everything I need is something I deserve. Everything I deserve is something I need.

If any of these don't resonate, feel free to discard them. Everyone finds comfort and empowerment differently.

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Does anyone have advice for feeling safe in your body? I wasn’t raped or molested as a child (to the best of my recollection) but I was constantly afraid of someone raping me from very early on. This only worsened when I from the ages of 11-13 me and my peers were forced to attend a fitness class where our teacher was a known pedophile who would stare at us and touch us inappropriately under the guise of correcting our form. I had a visceral reaction to the gym shorts I had bought because they showed too much leg for me to be safe from his gaze and they felt contaminated and like they’d hurt me. I have had trouble relaxing and feeling aroused off and on for years, meditating gave me violent panic attacks in high school because I was convinced a phantom or ghost would rape, posses or murder me if I let myself be fully vulnerable, which again was a recurrent intrusive thought/sensation I had been experiencing since early childhood despite no memory of or evidence of sexual assault. I thought I got better after years of exposure therapy aka laying down flat with my hands palm up while trying to relax and not dissociate or panic. I was good,mostly for a few years but now I’ve started listening to ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ and it’s like Im back at square one. My sleep is restless and I can’t experience sexual or romantic attraction I’m revolted by people more than is normal. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I did this to myself by spending my whole life paranoid of being raped and imagining it over and over and over just traumatizing myself over nothing, and when I finally recovered I decided to listen to an educational audiobook that triggered me so hard I’ve lost years worth of progress.

Edit: I left out the parts about being sexualized early on because I developed breasts before I hit double digits and how I went on Omegle in middle school because I felt I had no other avenue to explore my sexuality and was pressured into doing things I didn’t want to. I also was consistently jokingly sexualized by family members as a toddler/little kid (family pinching or poking my butt, telling me to shake my booty and pressuring/guilting/teasing me for not wanting to) They would also tickle me and not stop even when I screamed or threw myself into furniture. My dad still doesn’t understand what he did wrong and why I don’t want him tickling me or touching me suddenly or anywhere that isn’t my head or the bony part of my shoulder. He was also hurt/confused when I started to move my face when he went to kiss me so he’d kiss my hair or cheek and not my lips. I also often wiped his (and sometimes my mom’s) kisses off my face because they felt gross.

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butch, baby!

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I forget how attracted to femininity I am sometimes until a girl who jingles like a windchime when she walks and smells like apple pie and has glitter all over her face sits next to me on the bus and compliments my boots and it's like oh cool suddenly I'm an awkward teenage boy going through puberty or something

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I like woodworking...WTF

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Therapy we should focous on films and books I clinged to as a child to understand and analyze what stuck with me and what I saw in its characters and themes

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the gender performance of dolly parton and bruce springsteen (sources: x x)