confused-n-queer

[confused-n-queer]

butch, baby!

[confused-n-queer]

I forget how attracted to femininity I am sometimes until a girl who jingles like a windchime when she walks and smells like apple pie and has glitter all over her face sits next to me on the bus and compliments my boots and it's like oh cool suddenly I'm an awkward teenage boy going through puberty or something

[confused-n-queer]

I like woodworking...WTF

[confused-n-queer]

Therapy we should focous on films and books I clinged to as a child to understand and analyze what stuck with me and what I saw in its characters and themes

[confused-n-queer]

the gender performance of dolly parton and bruce springsteen (sources: x x)

[confused-n-queer]

Stuff I’ve now learned about my body after approximately a month of Physical Therapy

It’s hypermobile and because of this it requires targeted consistent exercise that will build and reactivate the muscles that are required for movement

Failure to exercise will lead to a disturbing and deep achiness in my calves and my whole body painfully restless and overstimulated

This means waking up early and exercising does “cure” my chronic pain to a certain degree. However only certain exercises and I have to pace myself or else I’ll get over excited and hurt myself. (So no yoga didn’t fix me Susan)

I can experience “runners’ high” only not after running, fuck that shit. Post PT I legit feel like I’m stoned. It’s so euphoric. Ngl it’s great motivation.

Despite all these reasons to exercise I still struggle with executive disfunction and fear that I’ll fall even more behind

My tits really make working out harder and more uncomfortable. Like I can’t do hip bridges without them putting weight on my neck and windpipe

Massages are better for me than stretches. TLDR my body physically can’t stretch far enough to release the tension in my muscles unless I pop something out of place which I’m not supposed to do

My body is covered in “Fuck No” zones aka areas that light pressure can send into bruising burning pain. I’ll be making a chart of these areas to bring to future appointments

That being said the rest of my body can handle way more pressure than those areas and so I’m in a weird limbo of simultaneously too much and not enough pressure

[confused-n-queer]

Realized my desired aesthetic is working class gay guy…I hate that the answer to how I wanted to present myself was so fucking obvious. Like damn I wonder why I keep gravitating to greasers, grunge and Bruce Springsteen.

[confused-n-queer]

Wanna show you the 5th day of Beetlectober 24 (Binoculars is the word). I knew instantly what meme it's got to be.

[confused-n-queer]

recently when im tempted to say 'i'm gonna kill myself' i try to correct it into saying "im gonna walk into the river and become a trout" or some other form of that. this is my new thing

[confused-n-queer]

Dysphoria is stupid. I worked at a soap store. I know fragrance is something that’s been arbitrarily gendered and it always made me happy seeing guys buy or even just try “feminine” fragrances because it showed a level of comfort with their gender but also that they weren’t limiting themselves from smelling the way they wanted too just because of societal pressures. And yet here I am with my nice floral and “gourmand” soaps sitting in a drawer because my brain demands MAN SOAP ™ to make my dysphoria manageable. Like damn dysphoria brain, who knew you hated smelling nice so much

[confused-n-queer]

Learning to loose guilt around clothes

I don’t need to hang onto and keep wearing the worn out tank tops I bought 4 of 2 years ago and decided to wear as my work uniform/everyday clothes. I look and feel like a slob when I wear them, the collar is stretched out, one is covered in grease stains, the fabric is becoming see through. They served their purpose I can use one as a sewing pattern and send the rest to fabric recycle.

I don’t wear logo/band shirts out, but I like having them to sleep in. It’s ok that I buy a few sizes up so they fit me the way I need them to. I don’t need to buy “my size” when the size that I feel comfortable in is available. It’s not immoral to buy clothes big if I’m gonna wear them big. Especially for sleepwear wich I’ve always had trouble with because of my sensory issues.

I can throw out the underwear that’s too big for me now. Are they still in good shape? Yes. Are they practical ? Not at all! I tried to refashion them to my size and that worked out okay-ish but it makes more sense to just buy more in my size while I decide if I actually want to alter my old panties.

I can dress for the job I have not the one people think I should have. The nice office clothes can sit in my closet for a later date or be donated to someone else in need. I work retail. Wearing a pencil skirt or starched trousers with a blouse to work makes no goddam sense. My easy to move in jeans and t-shirt make sense for someone who’s constantly moving and restocking shelves.

I can donate the high heels. I’m not supposed to wear them and I only need one pair for funerals/wakes/other formal events where sitting and looking “acceptable” are the main activities.

[confused-n-queer]

This idea was all I could think about while taking my dog for a walk so I had to drop everything and draw it

[confused-n-queer]

It’s horribly depression completely loosing your libido at 23 and having to use marijuana to regain any sort of sexual function

[confused-n-queer]

I swear I need to get my testosterone levels checked like having to go on the pill and using an iud to lower my endometriosis pain killed my libido like to the point I cant “get it up” so to speak and then when I was prescribed estrogen patches because I had just gotten off a medication that made my bones weaker I wanted to scream. Like I felt awful all the time. And the patches were an attempt to fix the whole zero libido thing. And like I’ve seen medical articles say “hey it could be low testosterone” but the one endocrinologist I saw outright refused to check my levels so I’m SOL.

Like seriously guys! You put me on estrogen even though I’m at a high risk for breast cancer but noooo “we won’t check your testosterone levels even though there’s very clearly a problem caused by the hormonal medications we put you on because you’re a girl and you’re probably faking it anyway. And besides low testosterone is rare and basically harmless you’ll be fine”

I’m just frustrated and feel like I’d come across as a freak for pushing it or that it would be chalked up to me being a freak who’s visibly queer and who’s depressed. (Newsflash I could get horny when I was depressed like 4 years ago)

[confused-n-queer]

Why do I want to dye my hair brown? Like why does my brain say brown=boy? Well because my blond hair that was too pretty to dye or cut or shave would no longer be what people see.

[confused-n-queer]

Bought a 3 pack of flavored chapstick instead of the “moisturizing” blue one wich smells nice but has no color and it was kinda a mistake. Cherry smells bad mint is weird and tingly but I could probably use it and strawberry is waxy but the one I remember from being a kid so I’ll use it. I’m sticking to my other one next time