confused-n-queer

[confused-n-queer]

from Original Plumbing, a publication for and by transmasculine people.

What's your favorite part of being a transsexual?

"While I often wish I was born a bio boy and didn't have to go through all of this, it's more often that I find it a blessing to have lived and experienced both sides of life, sex and gender and get to play in-between. To have been a girl, a woman, a lesbian, a dyke, a tomboy, a 'questioning', a boy, and now a queer man is pretty amazing and fucking hot!"

[confused-n-queer]

I want you carnally and intensely but its okay dude its no big deal

[confused-n-queer]

As an adult still living with their abusive parent, I often find that affirmations meant to empower me are unhelpful at best. They often feel like they're overstating the amount of agency I have as an adult; I've spent my entire life being abused. It's all I know and I have a lifetime of conditioning and nervous system damage to show for it.

All that doesn't just go away now that I'm older than 18, and neither do the material circumstances that keep me here. Even though I have more legal rights and have grown since I was younger, I am still not in control by the very nature of being the victim in an abusive relationship. So, for those who relate, here are some affirmations that might hit different:

My abuser does not have my best interests in mind, even if they think they do.

I am my own person; my mind and body belong to me.

My feelings are justified, and I deserve to feel and express them.

I am doing what I need to survive, and that is all I need to do.

I am doing my best given the knowledge, resources, and support I have.

I am the only person who can decide what is best for me.

My situation is unfair and wrong. I deserve to be happy and safe.

I do not have to engage in toxic positivity; that will only hurt me.

As long as I am alive, there is something good in this life for me - no matter how small.

I have inherent rights just because I exist.

I shouldn't have to deal with this on my own; I deserve support and protection.

Everything I need is something I deserve. Everything I deserve is something I need.

If any of these don't resonate, feel free to discard them. Everyone finds comfort and empowerment differently.

[confused-n-queer]

Does anyone have advice for feeling safe in your body? I wasn’t raped or molested as a child (to the best of my recollection) but I was constantly afraid of someone raping me from very early on. This only worsened when I from the ages of 11-13 me and my peers were forced to attend a fitness class where our teacher was a known pedophile who would stare at us and touch us inappropriately under the guise of correcting our form. I had a visceral reaction to the gym shorts I had bought because they showed too much leg for me to be safe from his gaze and they felt contaminated and like they’d hurt me. I have had trouble relaxing and feeling aroused off and on for years, meditating gave me violent panic attacks in high school because I was convinced a phantom or ghost would rape, posses or murder me if I let myself be fully vulnerable, which again was a recurrent intrusive thought/sensation I had been experiencing since early childhood despite no memory of or evidence of sexual assault. I thought I got better after years of exposure therapy aka laying down flat with my hands palm up while trying to relax and not dissociate or panic. I was good,mostly for a few years but now I’ve started listening to ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ and it’s like Im back at square one. My sleep is restless and I can’t experience sexual or romantic attraction I’m revolted by people more than is normal. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I did this to myself by spending my whole life paranoid of being raped and imagining it over and over and over just traumatizing myself over nothing, and when I finally recovered I decided to listen to an educational audiobook that triggered me so hard I’ve lost years worth of progress.

Edit: I left out the parts about being sexualized early on because I developed breasts before I hit double digits and how I went on Omegle in middle school because I felt I had no other avenue to explore my sexuality and was pressured into doing things I didn’t want to. I also was consistently jokingly sexualized by family members as a toddler/little kid (family pinching or poking my butt, telling me to shake my booty and pressuring/guilting/teasing me for not wanting to) They would also tickle me and not stop even when I screamed or threw myself into furniture. My dad still doesn’t understand what he did wrong and why I don’t want him tickling me or touching me suddenly or anywhere that isn’t my head or the bony part of my shoulder. He was also hurt/confused when I started to move my face when he went to kiss me so he’d kiss my hair or cheek and not my lips. I also often wiped his (and sometimes my mom’s) kisses off my face because they felt gross.

[confused-n-queer]

butch, baby!

[confused-n-queer]

I forget how attracted to femininity I am sometimes until a girl who jingles like a windchime when she walks and smells like apple pie and has glitter all over her face sits next to me on the bus and compliments my boots and it's like oh cool suddenly I'm an awkward teenage boy going through puberty or something

[confused-n-queer]

I like woodworking...WTF

[confused-n-queer]

Therapy we should focous on films and books I clinged to as a child to understand and analyze what stuck with me and what I saw in its characters and themes

[confused-n-queer]

the gender performance of dolly parton and bruce springsteen (sources: x x)

[confused-n-queer]

Stuff I’ve now learned about my body after approximately a month of Physical Therapy

It’s hypermobile and because of this it requires targeted consistent exercise that will build and reactivate the muscles that are required for movement

Failure to exercise will lead to a disturbing and deep achiness in my calves and my whole body painfully restless and overstimulated

This means waking up early and exercising does “cure” my chronic pain to a certain degree. However only certain exercises and I have to pace myself or else I’ll get over excited and hurt myself. (So no yoga didn’t fix me Susan)

I can experience “runners’ high” only not after running, fuck that shit. Post PT I legit feel like I’m stoned. It’s so euphoric. Ngl it’s great motivation.

Despite all these reasons to exercise I still struggle with executive disfunction and fear that I’ll fall even more behind

My tits really make working out harder and more uncomfortable. Like I can’t do hip bridges without them putting weight on my neck and windpipe

Massages are better for me than stretches. Bassically my body physically can’t stretch far enough to release the tension in my muscles unless I pop something out of place which I’m not supposed to do

My body is covered in “Fuck No” zones aka areas that light pressure can send into bruising burning pain. I’ll be making a chart of these areas to bring to future appointments

That being said the rest of my body can handle way more pressure than those areas and so I’m in a weird limbo of simultaneously too much and not enough pressure

[confused-n-queer]

Realized my desired aesthetic is working class gay guy…I hate that the answer to how I wanted to present myself was so fucking obvious. Like damn I wonder why I keep gravitating to greasers, grunge and Bruce Springsteen.

[confused-n-queer]

recently when im tempted to say 'i'm gonna kill myself' i try to correct it into saying "im gonna walk into the river and become a trout" or some other form of that. this is my new thing

[confused-n-queer]

Dysphoria is stupid. I worked at a soap store. I know fragrance is something that’s been arbitrarily gendered and it always made me happy seeing guys buy or even just try “feminine” fragrances because it showed a level of comfort with their gender but also that they weren’t limiting themselves from smelling the way they wanted too just because of societal pressures. And yet here I am with my nice floral and “gourmand” soaps sitting in a drawer because my brain demands MAN SOAP ™ to make my dysphoria manageable. Like damn dysphoria brain, who knew you hated smelling nice so much

[confused-n-queer]

Learning to loose guilt around clothes

I don’t need to hang onto and keep wearing the worn out tank tops I bought 4 of 2 years ago and decided to wear as my work uniform/everyday clothes. I look and feel like a slob when I wear them, the collar is stretched out, one is covered in grease stains, the fabric is becoming see through. They served their purpose I can use one as a sewing pattern and send the rest to fabric recycle.

I don’t wear logo/band shirts out, but I like having them to sleep in. It’s ok that I buy a few sizes up so they fit me the way I need them to. I don’t need to buy “my size” when the size that I feel comfortable in is available. It’s not immoral to buy clothes big if I’m gonna wear them big. Especially for sleepwear wich I’ve always had trouble with because of my sensory issues.

I can throw out the underwear that’s too big for me now. Are they still in good shape? Yes. Are they practical ? Not at all! I tried to refashion them to my size and that worked out okay-ish but it makes more sense to just buy more in my size while I decide if I actually want to alter my old panties.

I can dress for the job I have not the one people think I should have. The nice office clothes can sit in my closet for a later date or be donated to someone else in need. I work retail. Wearing a pencil skirt or starched trousers with a blouse to work makes no goddam sense. My easy to move in jeans and t-shirt make sense for someone who’s constantly moving and restocking shelves.

I can donate the high heels. I’m not supposed to wear them and I only need one pair for funerals/wakes/other formal events where sitting and looking “acceptable” are the main activities.

[confused-n-queer]

This idea was all I could think about while taking my dog for a walk so I had to drop everything and draw it

[confused-n-queer]

It’s horribly depression completely loosing your libido at 23 and having to use marijuana to regain any sort of sexual function