#sprm

[theyjustv2callmynameillcumrunnin]

Indiana Shawn and the Taming of The Red Sea

Warnings:😬argument, swear words, fluff, smut (while she/you is/are on her/your period).

Request(ed):No.

Word count: 2.079, Sentence count: 139, Paragraph count: 42, Character count: 11.222 (Without space: 9.109), Syllable count: 2.650.

Theme: Established🥰relationship, Halloween🎃Party.

Feedback is always welcome(d) 👍😁��!!!

When Halloween was just around the corner and Shawn was invited to a costume party, his girlfriend wasn't in the party mood, at all. She was on her period and spent the day in bed, not feeling well.

So she told him, "Shawn, i'm afraid I'm gonna have to decline your offer, to be your plus one to that party tonight." "Cramps gettin' the best of you, eh hun", he asked with a deep sigh, already knowing what her answer would be. "Yeah, I'm sorry, but I'm really not feelin' up to it.", "Oh hun, you don't have to feel guilty 'bout ditchin' me.", Which he got a pillow to the head, in turn for. "It's not like you invented not feelin' well, as an excuse, for not havin' to accompany me, or is it.", he inquired, hiding his face behind the pillow he managed to catch, in shame and defence.

He thought, maybe, she was going to throw something else at him, instead he heard sobs coming from the other side of the pillow. "How could you, even think of me in that way?!", she asked him, crying, face buried inbetween her knees, legs pulled up to her aching stomach, swaying to try to cope with both the physical and emotional pain.

When he lowered the pillow and took in the sight of his girl, now hurting even more, 'cause of him, he wanted to scrunch down by her side of the bed, but typical of his clumsy self, he stumbled, only to end up falling face down on the bed.

Although his antics, were able to draw a small chuckle from her, she still couldn't stop sobbing. When he pushed himself up, he carefully crawled up on the bed, scared she would reject him, feeling hurt by his words.

Relief washing over him, when she didn't try to push him away, 'cause holding her tight, comforting her, was the only thing on his mind right in this moment. "Hun, I was just jokin', I should 've known better, while you're so emotional, 'm so sorry.", he whispered in her ear, while stroking her back lovingly.

She lifted her head, due to the feeling of her boyfriend leaving kisses on the back and side of her neck, while swaying together, him holding her comfortingly to his chest. "Okay, okay, you're forgiven! Maybe you can invite a friend to join you to the party?", "That's my smart, fast thinkin' girl, Imma gonna make a few calls to see if anyone can and wants to go with me."

After a couple of minutes, it was arranged, that one of his colleagues and friends, Mike was going to pick him up. When the time came for Shawn to leave for the party, Mike pulled up, honking. Shawn responded by sending him a quick text message, saying "I'm comin' already, I'll be right there."

Putting his iPhone in the pocket of his pants, he turned to his girlfriend. "I'll be back before you know it, then we can cuddle 'till we fall asleep. How's that sound?", "That sounds like a perfect plan, to me", she said, offering him a lazy little smile, that turned to a winch, while holding her breath, from the stabbing pain to her stomach.

"Hold on, 'm gonna go fill up a hot water bottle, be right back", Shawn said, seeing her face contort painfully, nodding, as her okay and thank you, rolled into one. When he returned, he placed the bottle gently on her tummy, kissing her forehead.

"Hun, you still set on me going to that party with Mike?", "Why wouldn't I be? Now, go on, get outta here and go and have some fun!", nudging him to get off of the bed. "Alright, alright, I'm leaving already...under one condition!", "Which is?", "You try get some sleep, while I'm out, okay?!", "Okay, I'll try my best", blowing him a kiss, to which he could only smirk, shaking his head, blushing.

The whole time at the party, Shawn couldn't stop thinking about how that sweet girl of his, and how she managed to convince him, to go here, feeling so lonesome and lost, at this crowded party, without her by his side.

Now Mike was finally driving back, to drop him off home. Home, to her. His home was wherever she was, that was a fact, he was sure of.

When he and Mike had said their goodbyes and he was finally able to step inside, closing the door behind him. While normally calling out a "Hun, I'm home", now he found himself tiptoeing to their bedroom, careful not to disturb her, in case she managed to fall asleep, as they agreed on.

He was just about to take of his boots, when she switched on the lamp on her nightstand, proceeding to roll over, looking him straight in the eyes, head tilted to the side, with a look that could be the dead of him.

Only, not in the good kinda way, but in the "If looks could actually kill" kind.

"Had fun? Sure seems like you had fun, and lots of it, by the looks of you!", she exclaimed, glaring him over. "Whatta you mean by that?", he asked her, just standing there, frozen perplexed.

"You're not soundin' like that same sweet girl, I was miserably missin', the whole fuckin' night."

"Well, you're not lookin' like that same guy, that went off to that party, leavin' me here, all alone. While you knew, damn well, I wasn't feelin' good, I might add!"

"But hun, wasn't it you, who practically forced me, to go to the party, either way?!", "That's another thin', 'm not feelin' good 'bout, Shawn!", "I dunno what you're tryin' to get at, hun"

"Well, Shawn, if you don't understand me, or girls in general, by now...,she sighed, "I'm gonna teach you a valuable lesson."

"I'm all ears, hun, go 'head and teach me.", "You really haven't you figured it out yet, eh!?", "Guess I haven't then, but I'm sure, I'll get it, once you teach me that lesson!"

"Okay, here goes, are you listening?!", "Yeah, I'm listening!", "Well, Shawn, you see, here's the thing....The trick to girls is, they don't always mean what they're sayin', especially when they're emotional!", "You mean, like bein' on their period, for instance.", "Yeah, for instance"

"Oh, I get it now", "You do, you sure of that!?", "What I'm sure of now, is you wanted the same exact thin', I was longin' for all evenin'.", "Oh yeah, and what would that particular thing be then?", "Me, stayin' at home, in this bed, with you, all night, instead of goin' to that damn party! Tell me, I'm wrong, go on!?", "I can't...'Cause you're right, fuck, you're so damn right!"

While Shawn's stepping closer to the bed, she's throwing off the duvet, covering her, so she can crawl to him. She goes from standing on her knees, to sitting on them, soon as he crouches down, taking both her hands between his.

"God, I'm so stupid! Can you find it in your heart to forgive me, hun?", "Only if...", "Whatever hun, I'm even prepared to sacrifice my life for your forgiveness! Just please have some mercy on me?", "I will, on one condition", "Which is?", "If you can find it in your heart, to forgive my stupid ass!?", "Me, forgive you, for what...Bein' so whiny and bitchy?", he gritted his teeth, preparing for whatever her comeback would entail.

"Yeah, in a nut shell...For bein' so stupid, to not let you know, straight up, I really didn't want you to go with Mike to that party."

"Can you enlighten me, now, how the fuck, you ended up lookin' like a fuckin' crocodile swallowed and spit you back out? 'Cause I can remember clearly, you didn't leave lookin' like that!"

"Like what? Like I've been fumblin' nervously, with my outfit, 'cause I was feelin' so out of place, bein' at that party, without bein' able to have my arms wrapped around you, while the whole fuckin' night, my mind was only wrapped 'round you!"

"Oh hun, what am I gonna do 'bout you", "Isn' t the real question here, what are you gonna do with me?...Or better yet, to me!"

She was eyeing him for head to toe, and back up again, wetting her lips, ending with sticking her tongue out between the corner of them, giving him a naughty wink. Then she let herself fall on her back, spreading her legs, oh so tormentingly slow.

Maybe it was all getting a little to much for him, 'cause now he was giving her a certain kinda look - (see pic above) - , like she almost could see the wheels turning inside his head, while he had this smug smirk adorning his face.

After a few minutes of thinking in silence, which seemed to last an eternity to her, he spoke up, "Ya know what's a fittin' way to treat a whinin' bitch?", "No, I'm afraid, I don't...Guess you'll have to teach me.", "Oh, I'll teach ya hun, don't you worry!"

Just when she was about to say something, he silenced her by giving her a warning, "Well, when a whiny bitch, can't seem to keep her dirty mouth shut, she gets tied up to the bed!", "Is that supposed to be a threat?", she wondered out loud. "Oh no baby, that's a promise", resting his left hand on his hip, where his Indiana Jones costume provided him with a whip, his smirk only grown wider by now.

"Is that so?", that was all it took, for him to crawl up on the bed, between her legs, which where shaking in excitement, and make good on his promise.

Just as he was about to tie her to the bed with his whip, she wrapped her legs round his waist. "Well, looks like someone's impatient, eh!", she nodded her head frantically and let out a sigh from deep within her core.

Those actions made him decide, it'd be okay, if he were to take on a different approach. So instead, he brushed his wip starting from her throat, right down to where she was longing to have him the most, and back again, while he whispered "Just 'cause I'm a gentleman, I'm gonna give you a second warning."

She could only muster to swallow from all the anticipation, burning through every fiber of her body. When he added "I'm reminding you, of the fact, that I'm armed and dangerous.", she really thought, she was going to cum, right that instant.

"May I remind you, I'm on my period", "You really didn't think for a second, Indiana Shawn wasn't gonna take up the challenge of tryin' his best, to tame the Red Sea, now did ya?! Now, let's see what happens, when I put that monster of mine in it's rightful place, shall we.", "Uhm, Shawn Hunny, I think you're a little disoriented there.", "No, I'm sure, I'm right where I belong.", he retorted with a grunt. "You know damn well, that's not what I meant! I was referring to that monster, that's not the Red Sea, that's Loch Ness.", "I doubt Loch Ness, could ever treat my monster as good, as that Red Sea of yours always makes me feel."

After about an hour of loving on eachother and him being so generous, giving her two orgasms, Shawn was now lying on his back, with her draped all over him. She felt his chest make a motion like as if he was chuckling. When she lifted her head of his chest, to look up at him, sure enough he had a gigantic smirk on his face.

"Glad I was able to make you feel that good.", "It's not that...Well, it's that too.", "What's this here for, then?", she questioned, tapping his lips with her pointer finger. "Remember what you said, when you were nearin' your first orgasm?", "Hmmm...Not exactly, remind me.", "You said, well sounded more like a mixture of a whine and a moan, "I'm cummin' already, I'm right there."", "So, what about it?!". When he showed her the message he send Mike earlier, they were both full on laughing.

Until...she dared to ask him, "You weren't thinkin' of Mike, from the moment I said that, were you!?", so now the time had come, for Shawn to repay her, by starting a pillow fight.

[starmailnews]

SPRM reman perunding geran DIDR, Syarikat AFCL Bioscience Sdn Bhd tuntutan palsu lebih RM 400 ribu hari ini

Selepas dibalun kiri dan kanan. Dinafi Datuk Phoong Jin Zhe  Menteri Kementerian Pembangunan Perindustrian dan Keusahawanan selain Setiausaha Perhubungan Awamnya, hari ini terbukti rasuah Tse Kei Yue Pengarah Pengarah Department of Industrial Development & Research (Jabatan Pembangunan Perindustrian & Penyelidikan)  dan perunding Kenny Ang Ka Fat @ Dr Fazli Ang Pengarah Urusan AFCL BioScience Sdn Bhd bersama isterinya Anita binti Mohamed menyeleweng dana BAIKS.

Sekian lama perkara ini ini berlaku Kerajaan Sabah silih berganti tetapi pegawai tetap orang sama dan konsultan terus membodohkan Menteri.

Kenny Ang Ka Fat @ Dr Fazli Ang bersama isterinya penama syarikat AFCL BioScience Sdn Bhd

Suruhanjaya Pencegahan Rasuah Malaysia (SPRM) Sabah semalam menahan Kenny Ang seorang perunding dana geran DIDR kerana mengemukakan tuntutan lebih  RM400,000 menggunakan dokumen mengandungi butiran matan palsu kepada Jabatan Pembangunan Perindustrian & Penyelidikan (DIDR).

Pengarah SPRM Sabah, Datuk Karunanithy A/L Y. Subbiah ketika dihubungi media mengesahkan tangkapan tersebut.

Menurutnya, suspek lelaki berusia 50an (Dr Kenny Ang) mengemukakan tuntutan palsu membabitkan pembekalan mesin kepada usahawan membabitkan dana Program Bantuan Industri Kecil Sederhana (BAIKS),

“Perbuatan berkenaan telah dilakukan suspek sekitar tahun 2023 sedangkan mesin tidak dibekalkan oleh syarikat suspek.

“Suspek telah ditahan kira-kira jam 12.30 tengah hari tadi ketika hadir bagi memberi keterangan di SPRM Sabah.

“Kes disiasat di bawah Seksyen 17 & 18 Akta SPRM 2009.

“Suspek akan dibawa ke Mahkamah Majistret Kota Kinabalu bagi tujuan permohonan reman esok pagi,” katanya.

Kenyataan SPRM itu mengesahkan apa yang didedahkan oleh  Sabahbigmouthss sebelum ini.

Semoga dengan reman dan tangkapan ini lebih ramai pegawai MIDE, DIDR dan syarikat terlibat ditangkap SPRM. Ini termasuk syarikat penyamaran dan rakan subahat Kenny Ang iaitu Intelect Training And Services.

Terdapat dakwaan perunding dan Syarikat AFCL BioScience Sdn Bhd cuba memulangkan wang itu kepada DIDR. Namun terlambat kerana ia mengesahkan lagi penerimaan dana itu dan tidak diberipun kepada syarikat yang mendapat geran.

Syarikat AFCL BioScience Sdn Bhd merupakan antara syarikat yang berjaya memperolehi geran DIDR sejak sekian lama. Kini AFCL BioScience Sdn Bhd menjadi konsultan kepada DIDR untuk memilih usahawan yang boleh mendapat geran BAIKS di Sabah.

[suara-rakyat-blog]

Annuar Musa & Shahidan Kassim adalah Pengkhianat UMNO

Malam ini akan ada banyak kenyataan yang dikeluarkan, termasuk kenyataan daripada Shahidan Kassim, Annuar Musa, dan rakan-rakan mereka. Kemarin kita membincangkan kenyataan dari Ketua Penerangan PAS, dan hari ini kita akan membincangkan kenyataan Annuar Musa dan beberapa pemimpin lainnya. Malam ini kita akan membuka peluang bagi kawan-kawan untuk menyumbangkan idea dan bertanya soalan dalam sesi Tanya-Jawab kita. Hari ini kita akan memberi ruang kepada semua orang untuk berkontribusi dan memberikan soalan berhubungan dengan isu-isu semasa. Insya-Allah.

Annuar Musa, sebagai bekas calon timbalan presiden UMNO, telah mengkritik presiden UMNO yang mendakwa Datuk Seri Zahid Hamidi mengarahkan akar umbi UMNO untuk menyokong DAP. Walaupun Annuar Musa telah kalah dalam pemilihan dan digugurkan sebagai Setiausaha Agung UMNO, beliau kemudian dilantik sebagai Setiausaha Agung Barisan Nasional. Sebelumnya, Tengku Nan merupakan Setia Agung sebelum menukar peranan menjadi bendahari Barisan Nasional. Annuar Musa juga telah disiasat dalam kes rasuah di bawah Akta Suruhanjaya Pencegahan Rasuah, di mana beliau tidak dibenarkan untuk pergi ke luar negara. Contohnya, beliau tidak dapat merasmikan masjid yang dibinanya di selatan Thailand kerana dihalang di pintu keluar negara.

Annuar Musa mencari peluang untuk membolehkan dia keluar, tetapi terdapat sekatan yang tidak dapat diluluskan. Apabila dia memeriksa dengan pihak Imigresen, mereka memberitahu bahawa sekatan itu dilakukan oleh pihak SPRM. Hal ini menyebabkan Annuar Musa berubah.

Sebelum ini, Annuar Musa adalah setia kepada Presiden dan ramai menteri yang diangkat menjadi Menteri. Beliau adalah salah seorang yang terdapat dalam senarai presiden. Walaupun Muhyiddin banyak melantik individu di luar senarai yang dicadangkan oleh presiden, Annuar Musa, Samsul Anuar Nasarah, Ismail Sabri, dan Nuraini Ahmad adalah individu yang terdapat dalam senarai presiden.

Beliau terlibat dalam perhimpunan maruah Melayu di mana beliau membantu Tun Dr. Mahathir dan mewakili UMNO dalam perhimpunan tersebut bersama pemimpin PAS, Haji Hadi. Datuk Seri Zahid tidak terlibat. Setelah Annuar Musa membantu Tun Dr. Mahathir dalam perkara ini, beliau tiba-tiba dapat pergi ke luar negara dan membawa isterinya ke Eropah.

Annuar Musa memiliki reputasi sebagai seseorang yang setia kepada pihak yang berkuasa. Ketika menjadi menteri dalam kabinet Muhyiddin Yassin, beliau memberikan sokongan kepada Muhyiddin, dan setelah Ismail Sabri menjadi Perdana Menteri, beliau beralih menyokong Ismail Sabri. Kini, beliau mengkritik Presiden UMNO kerana UMNO terpaksa bekerjasama dengan DAP.

Beliau disalahkan kerana didakwa memberikan nasihat negatif kepada Ismail Sabri untuk menangguhkan pilihan raya, yang mengakibatkan UMNO mengalami kekalahan yang teruk. Beliau juga dituduh terlibat dalam sabotaj terhadap calon UMNO. Pada pilihan raya terdahulu, beliau sepatutnya bertanding atas tiket PAS di Ketereh, tetapi akhirnya calon dari parti BERSATU dipilih sebagai calon PAS di Ketereh.

Annuar Musa didakwa mengguna pakai Muafakat Nasional untuk kepentingan peribadinya, dengan harapan dapat menarik penyokong UMNO untuk menyertai parti yang beliau pilih pada masa depan, sama ada PAS atau BERSATU.

Annuar Musa diingatkan bahawa tindakan dan pengkhianatan beliau tidak akan luput daripada tindakan undang-undang. Walaupun mungkin ada orang yang melindunginya pada masa ini, tetapi pada masa depan, situasi boleh berubah dan dia mungkin dihadapkan dengan tindakan mahkamah. Beliau sepatutnya tidak memperlihatkan kesombongan yang berlebihan.

Tindakan pengkhianatan yang dilakukan oleh Annuar Musa dan Shahidan Kasim telah membawa UMNO ke dalam situasi yang mencabar, di mana UMNO hanya memenangi dua puluh enam kerusi dalam pilihan raya. Jika bukan kerana mereka, keadaan tidak akan menjadi sebegitu teruk seperti sekarang.

Kedudukan parti kita saat ini sangat teruk, dengan hanya memenangi dua puluh enam kerusi, dan BN hanya memenangi tiga kerusi. Orang-orang yang tidak jujur dan mementingkan kepentingan peribadi serta keinginan berkuasa telah menyebabkan situasi ini. Mereka lupa bahawa faktor pertumbuhan adalah penting dalam membuat keputusan dan mengadakan pilihan raya.

[terbakordotcom]

Jawatan kosong Penolong Pegawai Siasatan Gred P29 di Suruhanjaya Pencegahan Rasuah Malaysia bagi tahun 2022. Sebanyak 115 kekosongan dan 200 simpanan ditawarkan kali ini. Permohonan dibuka sekarang! Lawati: https://www.ptdexam.com/penolong-pegawai-siasatan-gred-p29-sprm-2022-kekosongan-115-simpanan-200/

[unofficialgossip]

'Daim tidak gentar hadapi dakwaan SPRM meskipun berada di hospital' - Naimah.

Tun Daim Zainuddin, bekas Menteri Kewangan Malaysia, dihadapkan kepada kemungkinan pendakwaan oleh Suruhanjaya Pencegahan Rasuah Malaysia (SPRM), meskipun beliau sedang dirawat di hospital. Toh Puan Naimah Khalid, isteri beliau, menegaskan bahawa suaminya sebelum ini hanya diminta untuk memberikan keterangan kepada SPRM dan bukan diadili di mahkamah. Beliau menyatakan bahawa mereka dan pasukan…

[kapkunkap12]

Kerja Terkini SPRM 115 Kekosongan

Kerja Terkini SPRM 115 Kekosongan

Kerja Terkini SPRM 115 Kekosongan | Kepada seluruh warganegara malaysia yang sedang mencari jawatan kosong berkelayakan dan berminat untuk mengisi kekosongan jawatan terkini yang ditawarkan di SPRM anda diperlawa untuk segera membuat permohonan bagi mengisi kekosongan jawatan-jawatan yang ditawarkan seperti berikut. Kerja Terkini SPRM 115 Kekosongan Penolong Pegawai Siasatan Gred P29Gaji…

[the-disemvoweler]

The vowel god shall reign Supreme. The consonants shall fall.

Th vwl gd shll rgn Sprm. Th cnsnnts shll fll.

I disagree

[logs-pods]

Baby isopod alert!!

My single Amadillidium vulgare that I caught last fall just had babies. This species usually only gives birth once a year or less, but there are so many mancae in one batch.

It's really amazing how long they can hold onto sprm before actually fertilizing and carrying their eggs.

I recently moved this individual into a different container, so I wonder if the conditions being better made her finally feel like it was time.

[cowboylikesel]

i just watched an edit with the caption „s6 buck u can be my sprm donor too!!!!“ and what can i say except real

[usertiff]

racism, abuse, h*tler mention, tw

my abusive white sprm donor is sending me and my sisters memes of like pro-h*tler stuff and shit after asking us if we are voting in the local elections and saying stupid stuff about "liberals" and spewing hateful racist shit and about how his own kids basically deserve to be erased from history bc he didn't do a good enough job whitewashing us and I'm like I fucking hate you so much like why??? he is literally so fucking evil

We block him and he always finds a way to contact us

why do white men reproduce with women of color like ??? I get you have this sick need to abuse woc but why reproduce then??? I don't understand

he is so fucking evil

[quinnlarrabee]

Are you a vibe?

If listening is more your vibe, feel free to play the audio recording of this post:

Who hasn’t stared into the mirror after a long night in Williamsburg, Silver Lake, or Hackney, wiped from their left nostril a light dusting of powder that they hadn’t noticed in dim candle lighting, and asked themself, “am I a vibe?” Other than getting an invitation to a private play party, there is no greater achievement for younger, nomadic residents of California, the Northeast (except Boston), and bits of Europe who have joined the 1% through family money or the proceeds of a company acquisition and consider themselves polyamorous and spiritual – let’s call them Spiritual Poly Rich Millennials, or SPRM – than being called a vibe. Having a fellow SPRM call you a vibe is a life affirmation nonpareil. It means that you have achieved a unique frequency that people want to tune into, an energy that others strive to emulate, and a social media presence that people high-key stalk. Because none of these are quantifiable metrics (except looking at who has viewed your stories, which is not a vibe), and because one must be called a vibe by someone else who is universally agreed to a vibe, it’s hard to know your score on the vibe-o-meter. I’m going to help you determine for yourself your exact caliber of vibe and even help you optimize your vibe, because anxiously waiting for your vibe coronation is not a vibe. 

You may be wondering what exactly a vibe (vīb, noun) is. 

Despite the efforts of other publications to intellectualize and politicize its meaning, there is no concrete definition of a vibe, but when ~vibes~ (vībs, plural noun) are present, people feel that the odds are high of having sex with one or more people they have just met. ~Vibes~ can be created any time of day and anyplace in the world (except Boston), and ~vibes~ can be generated by a combination of candles, expensive functional elixirs that don’t actually function, bland vegan food decorated with edible flowers, deep house music that originates from someone wearing a flat-brimmed hat pressing a button on an Apple laptop, the stench scent of palo santo, and gratuitously sincere connection activities, such as staring into a total stranger’s pupils for a literally eye watering amount of time. The vibe of any location (except Boston) can be elevated when the majority of people are dressed in capes, kimonos, or culturally appropriated ethnic clothing that makes white people look like they shopped at Goodwill in a foreign country, because United1 lost their luggage, which is still covered in Playa dust. 

There are certain experiences where the vibe is likely to be particularly high or low. For example:

~Vibes~ are high at Brooklyn floor parties. ~Vibes~ are low at Midtown happy hours.

~Vibes~ are high at European football games. ~Vibes~ are low at American football games.

~Vibes~ are high in Southern Europe. ~Vibes~ are low in Northern Europe (except Copenhagen). 

~Vibes~ are high on the Upper West Side. ~Vibes~ are low on the Upper East Side. 

~Vibes~ are high in Topanga. ~Vibes~ are low in Calabasas. 

~Vibes~ are high in the Apple store. ~Vibes~ are low at the Samsung store.

~Vibes~ are high at Torrisi. ~Vibes~ are low at Carbone.

~Vibes~ are high at the new La Guardia Airport. ~Vibes~ are low at LAX. 

~Vibes~ are high in a bathtub. ~Vibes~ are low in a shower (unless it’s an outdoor rain shower in Bali and you’re on molly).

~Vibes~ are high when you’re summering. ~Vibes~ are low when you’re “on vacation.” 

~Vibes~ are high after a bump of K. ~Vibes~ are low after a shot of Jaeger. 

~Vibes~ are high on Delta. 1~Vibes~ are low on United. 

With these inanimate examples as the foundation of your vibe education, let’s progress to notable people who are a vibe and vibe-nots:

The Dalai Llama is a vibe. Deepak Chopra is not a vibe. 

RBG was a vibe. Amy Coney Barrett is not a vibe. 

Tommy Lee Jones is a vibe. Tommy Lee is not a vibe. 

Albert Einstein was a vibe. Robert Oppenheimer was not a vibe. 

Haruki Murakami is a vibe. Stephen King is not a vibe. 

Ai Weiwei is a vibe. Damien Hirst is not a vibe. 

Venus Williams is a vibe. Serena Williams is not a vibe.

Han Solo is a vibe. Luke Skywalker is not a vibe. 

David Remnick is a vibe. Anna Wintour is not a vibe. 

Art Garfunkel is a vibe. Paul Simon is not a vibe.

Cockatoos are a vibe. Parrots are not a vibe.

Oprah Winfrey is a vibe. Ellen DeGeneres is not a vibe. 

Johnny Cash was a vibe. Garth Brooks is not a vibe. 

Johannes Brahms was a vibe. Pyotr Tchaikovsky was not a vibe.

Barack Obama is a vibe. Actually Barack Obama is the only living politician who is a vibe.  

Sergey Brin is a vibe. Elon Musk is not a vibe.

Queen Elizabeth was a vibe. King Charles is not a vibe.  

By now many of you are probably wondering, “am I vibe?” 

If you have to ask, you are probably not a vibe. Most people who are a vibe were born a vibe – with a vibe trust fund, so to speak, or endowed with vibes through vibe nepotism (vibepotism), only vibes are usually passed on from the maternal side, like Judaism, which is a vibe. There are, however, things you can do to improve your intrinsic vibe. 

Some people need only a bit of tuning to become a vibe, and others require an entire vibe overhaul. For example, if you are a hedge fund manager living on the Upper East Side who spends summer weekends in East Hampton, goes to St Tropez for New Years and Aspen for a week in late February, shops at Vineyard Vines, considers a four-day weekend of golfing at Shadow Creek and strippers in Vegas with HBS buddies a good time, and will quietly vote for Trump in 2024, it will take extreme measures for you to have even the slightest chance of becoming a vibe. These measures would include quitting your job, doing a 2-year silent vipassana, attending every regional Burn in the world for three years, getting a masters in sustainable agriculture, adopting a three-legged rescue cat, learning to surf blindfolded, becoming pansexual, suffering from and recovering from a mild meth addiction, and moving to a communal fruit farm in Topanga. 

You must frame the process of becoming a vibe as less of an end and more of a means to an end. Think of it like physical fitness (which is a vibe), where training is the means and activities that require fitness are the end. Once you have achieved the means of being a vibe, the end is getting away with openly dating a lot of people at once even if they are not polyamorous, being entirely hosted at all manner of costly experiences (e.g., Burning Man, the US Open, and peak experience trips), and getting tagged in Instagram stories even if you are not in the photo in the hopes that you will re-share the story to elevate the vibe of the person who originally shared the story. Note that you will not re-share the story, because that’s not a vibe.

Like fitness, becoming a vibe is a long, slow process. For example, if you were to try to do an ironman triathlon (which is not a vibe) without any training, you would definitely lose and probably die. Attempting to accumulate a vibe too quickly will reveal you as someone who is trying to be a vibe, and the appearance of trying is antithetical to being a vibe. Foundational to becoming and staying a vibe is not giving a fuck about being a vibe. If this seems counterintuitive, you will never be a vibe. 

Now that you have a baseline understanding of what a vibe is and can associate ~vibes~ with a variety of experiences, places, and famous people, you are ready to discover your own personal level of vibe. To facilitate this important leap of self-awareness, I have created a vibe-rater. Use it on yourself, or use it on a friend. 

Does a semi circle form around you at parties (before everyone sits on the floor)? Yes: +1, No: -1 

2. Can you single handedly initiate a cuddle puddle? Yes: +7, No: 0

3. Are you sat at the end of a table at dinner parties? Yes: +3, No: +1 (for being invited at all)

4. Are you often made a co-host of a party even if you aren’t paying for it, doing any work to prepare for it, or providing any kind of tangible value? Yes: +13, No: 0

5. you on the permanent GA list at Gospel after going 3 or more times? Yes: +1, No: 0

6. Are you on the permanent GA list at Gospel but you have never once been to Gospel? Yes: +11, No: 0

7. Which text you are more likely to receive? “Are you around?” +3, “Are you in town?” +8

8. Has the date of a party ever been changed because you are not in town? Yes: +6, No: 0

9. Do people ask if you have a dealer in random foreign countries? Yes: +12, No: +12

10. Do people ask what fragrance you’re wearing when you aren’t wearing anything? Yes: +4, No: 0

11. Do people ask what fragrance you’re wearing when you’re wearing Baccarat Rouge 540? Yes: -54. This is a trick question. Baccarat Rouge is not a vibe.

12. Do people you don’t even follow watch your stories on the reg? Yes: +2, No: 0, I don’t know: +15

13. What is your text / DM response time?

1 second: 0

1 minute: +1

5 - 15 mins: +2

15 - 60 mins: +3

1+ hour: +4

1+ day: +10

14. What is your attachment style? Anxious: +2Avoidant: +9Secure: 0Anxious avoidant: +10

15. How many DJs phone numbers do you have under their real name? None: +6 One: +2 Two: +4 Three: +6 Four: +10 Five or more: -10 (you are a club promoter) 

16. Are you a DJ?Yes: +5No: +10

17. Do you have “a fund”?Yes: -3, No: 0

18. Where do you summer?

In the US: +2

In Europe: -1 (summering only in Europe = new money)

Europe in July, US in August: +12

Summer is not a verb: -12

19. How many times can you say you’re not going to Burning Man and people still totally know that you’re definitely going to Burning Man?

Once: +1

Twice: +5

Thrice: +15

Four times: +30

Five or more: -30 (you are Eric Schmidt, and the people who are asking are your second-string girlfriends)

20. Do people ask you to DJ when you don’t actually know how to DJ and have never had any kind of DJ training other than creating a Spotify playlist?Yes: +20, No: 0

21. Where do you live?

Please refer to the National Vibe Distribution map for scoring if you are American (if you are a New Yorker, you are not American – skip to #22), and the Global Vibe Distribution map if you pay 80% tax and drive a weird version of the cars we have here. Note: anyone living in Lisbon for the vanity passport and tax evasion who isn’t Portuguese gets -10.

If you live in NYC, use this more nuanced map, which shows Vibe Distribution by neighborhood:

22. Has anyone ever given you a vinyl record as a gift without knowing you have a record player?Yes: +5, No: 0

23. Do you go to Barry’s Bootcamp?Yes: -18, No: +20

24. Did you dress up for Halloween? Yes: +15, No: 20

25. Where do you keep your party costumes?I just order shit from Amazon and then throw it out the next day: -20In a drawer: +5In an entire dedicated closet: +8People just give me stuff to wear: +10

26. Are you 100% straight?Yes: -15, No: +15

27. How many plants do you have?None: -12One: +6Two to six: +12Seven or more: -20 (you are agoraphobic)

28. Do people often ask you if you got a haircut when you haven’t gotten a haircut remotely recently?Yes: +2, No: 0

29. Do designers ask you to wear their clothing?Yes: +5, No: 0

30. Do designers pay you to wear their clothing?Yes: -15, No: +20

31. Do you wear sunglasses at night?

Yes: -8 No: +8 So I can, so I can watch you weave then breathe your story lines: +30

Corey Hart was a vibe, RIP J/k he’s fine, but he’s Canadian so..

32. Do you have an aquarium? Yes: -20, No: +20

33. Do you do yoga? Yes: +5, No: 0

34. Do you talk about yoga?Yes: -50, No: +15

35. Are you vegan? Yes: -75, No: +20

36. Do you work?Yes: -3, No: -8, “I have projects”: +10

37. Do you own more than once vest?Yes: -30, No: 0

38. Are you a subscriber?Yes: +30, No: -100

Did you actually add all of this up? Yes: -30, No: +30

Should you feel drawn to vibe coaching to improve your score, I am available at the rate of $1,100 per hour.

[ratsoh-writes]

I know. I also want to make sure he's at an age if he asks about his *sprm donor* that he's old enough to handle the answers. Many reasons.

Very true.

[spxrm]

in honor of sprm being essentially dormant, I randomly had this desire to share these with y'all. To make a long story short, I haven't updated this in a while, but I used to keep a list of things Shawn said that were just like lmaoooo???????????? and here it is:

"that's actually Rihanna's song"

"it's not like mr. steal yo girl"

"if you wanna be funny, take funny classes"

"don't ever capture a human"

"bitch better have my dinner"

"I'm coming to haaang out"

"the goal is to go from shit to kinda okay... I mean what else"

[melawatigomeat]

Video News For Malaysian

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[violetsandfluff]

Just remember that Shawn’s initials are sprm.