#more processable feelings
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me when i am in a bitchy snappy mood but then i remember mother mary and mother earth and i must begrudgingly accept responsibility for my own feelings and acknowledge that nobody else can fail me or make me feel anything because nobody has any duty to me and i have no duty unto anyone but myself and my happiness is mine alone to create. ugh
#will have to apologise for my actions later when i am less begrudged against this acceptance#ugh#it’s so annoying knowing that resentment and regret do not serve me#it’s like you constantly have to take out the trash because it’s always filling up again#the emotional trash#these wasteful and unhelpful feelings that come as the harmful packaging for deeper#more processable feelings#like sadness and grief and loneliness and helplessness and and desire#maybe they’re less processable but still. they come packaged in resentment so often and i have to peel off the hatred to get to the core#of my feelings#but if i don’t remember to release the resentment and negativity#it builds up like trash around the house.#i have to remember regularly to take it out#to remind myself why it is useless to me; why i must#leave it behind#upl#txt#journals#february
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lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)
if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.
--
no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.
I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.
I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.
If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.
#cw: suicidal ideation#cw: suicide#cw: self harm#cw: mental health#cw: depression#i made the balloon the main representation of my self destructive urges for a reason but im not going to explain it#i tried to keep a lot of the details in this vague#it would be my worst nightmare if this comic encouraged someone to hurt themselves#so. please dont#for a long time even the thought of making this comic felt so insipid and narcissistic#with the state of the world as it is#having the only threat to your life be yourself felt so privileged and trite and shameful#but doing this comic made me sit down and process things in full#and im just. very grateful i didn't give in to my thoughts back when i sincerely felt i'd be more useful to the world dead#i also feel the need to say that this wont represent everyone's battle with mental illness. its unfortunately different for all of us#there is no fix-all#and im afraid this might be one of those comics that either resonates a lot or misses the target by a mile#i made it for myself foremost. and now that its done im glad i did it#thank you for reading#and please stay alive#stillindigo art#stillindigo comics
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the wandering painter, part one
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#artists on tumblr#illustration#animated illustration#animation#backgrounds#animated gifs#background illustration#myillust#landscape#plants#scenery#summer#hiii! just wanted to share an artwork i made that's super fresh from the oven ksfknsf#'the wandering painter' will be a series that consists of artworks that has elements that i struggle to draw and am trying to improve on!#ive always really struggled with the process of painting (for example) clouds fields grass grasslands flowers etc#despite the end result coming out satisfactory imo but i cant deny that it most of the time feels like a fluke#so this series would consist of my journey of improving how to draw said elements/areas more confidently :D#this artwork in particular - i studied and practiced how to paint/draw silver grass better along with grasses and clouds#i feel like im sorta getting the hang of it but theres definitely room to study and experiment how i can paint it better#so yeah! nonetheless i really hope you'll like this! and i hope you'll have a lovely day/night ahead <3333
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mutt. (small explanation under the cut)
early access + nsfw on patreon
so. a couple of lore things here.
Roba only took one of the blood vials before he went out to fight Price. But during Ghost's final interaction with Vernon, he smashes all of the remaining ones over the floor. When he finally killed Vernon, the impact of the blow splashed blood onto his hands, which he then used to a) slash Roba across the face and b) literally grab his tongue. So you can kind of assume that Roba's gotten a much much higher dose than he's supposed to safely take.
Also, his symptoms look pretty similar to the transformed state of Konig, no? Rabid, mindless, inability to talk, and most importantly, he's huge. I think my thought behind this is that the way the world used to be, monsters were way WAY larger than they are now. Roba was underselling it when he said that the vial "unlocks what is dormant" - probably a better description is that it strips away any hybrid's evolutionary 'safety cap' so to speak, in exchange for the original being's mind.
#i feel like this story has somehow expanded so far beyond what i thought it would be#but i kinda just??? kept??? going??? i hope this is all like understandable and stuff.#In any case there's a few more comics in this arc left (just to cover the recovery process and stuff for both Price and Ghost)#and then we’re going back to the present with Gaz and Johnny and the vaqueros!!#simon ghost riley#manuel roba#captain john price#monster 141 au#giragi art
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sure i find you in my hair and under my pillow and in the car. but i know in my heart you are picking me out of your teeth. i know i am burning through your sundays, sticking to your ceiling.
i hope i'm in every bitter cup of coffee and every candle wick and every bath. i hope my shadow flickers under your door so the empty hallway i have left behind is a swift dart of nothing more. i hope you find me in notebooks and stop signs and fleetwood mac - like i am marginalia on your life, i want my fingerprints burned into your days like acid.
i loved you, and you know i loved you, and for the rest of your life i will be the person you broke. for the rest of your life i hope the shame of that runs like a cattle dog, bites at your heels. i hope every time your cup is full or the moon is a toenail or a cat is purring or a laugh is in your belly or the sky turns pink while the sun is setting - i hope you remember that someone loved you, and you crushed them in your palms. you extinguished every future i lit. i hope that haunts you.
i hope you never fucking forget it.
#warm up#this is pretty negative idk it's more a creative writing thing#bc im kinda like.#i have mostly kept my mouth shut about stuff but isn't it nice to go apeshit once in a while#i only feel this like 30%#bc im like. well this is a pretty negative way of processing#but it is a step of processing#and sometimes we gotta be like. u ever just want that person to BURN#(good news for those in the BURN stage: it's almost done. ur almost out.)
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a redraw of the first drawing i posted here to celebrate the fact that ive been in tumblr for more than a whole year posting my shit and havent deleted my blog in panic yippee \:D/ (mushy rant in tags)
#i realised too late that it has been more than a fuking year (august 9)#and for context: ive had 3 different intagram art accounts and i deleted all 3 of them a few months before creating them. anxiety amiright#here it has been so different bc people are so nice??? it has been a pretty plesant experience here w all of u really#im so glad to have found myself in such a wonderful part of the fandom and amazing mutuals that i never talk to bc im shit w texting#the atention has been overwhelming ngl. i have over 2000 followers which. holy fuck???#it doesnt feel like a real number and for my own sake im nnot gonna treat it as one#like i apreciate the support and ppl liking what i do but im not here to make number go big yk? im here to connect w other humans#and yall have been amazing humans ^^ thank u for all the wonderful tags and comments and the support overall#it has been so cool sharing my art and finding other artist whom i respect oh so very much. some of them even follow me back wtf#i hope to continue being here for as long as i can and keep growing as an artist and sharing that process with other without fear#also my amy redesign actually goes so hard idk why i forgot about it nxnfbcncb#sth#sonic fanart#sonic#amy rose#nov.aart#nov.junk
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hes thinking real hard about eating a yummy sandwich
one with no crazy filters cause why not zzzz
#tf2#team fortress 2#tf2 fanart#tf2 medic#blu medic#is this even anything#can you see that i figured out how amazing the lasso tool was halfway thru the process cause i feel i can and it’s HORRID#MORE ART SOON i hope i’m really trying to get back into working on stuff and not being lazy#i’ll prob post this one insta w a few changes cause idk if i’m completely happy w how this looks
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ty to @/cronchy-baguette for this lae outfit des btw lil bonus w/ shads under the cut
no back talk from lae cuz shart is right
#ichiro's doodles#lae'zel#shadowheart#shadowzel#bg3#was testing out different coloring process and it kinda turned into silliness#cuz using your hyperfixations to help practice shit makes it feel less like work and waaay more fun lol
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horrible truth bomb dropped on my head 20 min ago
#I DIDNT KNOW I DIDNT KNOWWWWW#when i say damn thats crazy its bc i DO think its crazy i think a lot of things are crazy. like how birds have cloacas#or the way ppl draw a five pointed star in different ways and everyone assumes their way of doing it is how everyone does it#my brother is not letting me live this down btw he literally shouted at me like HOW DID YOU LIVE THIS LONG AND NOT PICK UP ON THAT#IDK!!! IDK I THOUGHT SOMETIMES IT COULD BE USED TO EXPRESS GENUINE SHOCK??????#he says its my delivery that makes it sound insincere bc i say it in a monotonous voice which when i think abt it YEAH....#THAT DOES MAKE IT LOOK KINDA BAD IN HINDSIGHT.....#and then i told him i keep a list of phrases that tickle my brain so i can remember to use them in conversation and apparently#most ppl dont do that bc he was like ???? stop doing that??? just let the conversation flow naturally it sounds fake>????#idk man i feel like if i did that and blurted out 'i forgot people find stuff like underwear arousing for some reason' instead of#smth like 'i wonder what kind of ppl find this kind of stuff the bees knees' like i normally do. it would. not go so well.#ALSO THE FLOW CHARTS ARENT NORMAL? i make flow charts before i call the bank or smth so i know what to say#its not just to blend in its also so i dont waste ppls time going uhhhhh as i think of how i put smth into words#its called stalling for time and i dont care if i have to say smth like thats just how the cookie crumbles if it gives me#5 more seconds to process whatever the fuck someone said without letting them think im not paying attention#doodles#diary#sona#puppysona#comics
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look at this idiot not aware that his body is warm and his touch comforting everyone point and laugh
#homestuck#hom3stuck#home24uck#home2t4ck#dirk strider#jake english#dirkjake#admin draws#fanart#i got sick of looking for a ref so i doodled this real quick yesterday#ive been in a 'need hug' mood especially after the exam and sleeplessness preceding it#and thinking stuff#so what better way to process all of this than you guessed it. shoving it onto dirk#short tags this time cos im doing something else but i have lots of things i want to make.... its a shame im not feeling it again#if someone wants to give me excuses to talk about them the ask box is open for more than just rqs
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i see this jason todd who actually looks his very young age (instead of the 30yr old man that comics like to portray)
and feel my heart breaking just imagining bruce beating him up, almost killing him, mind-breaking him, and just overall being a total piece of shit father towards him.
a huge chunk of the reason why people don't view bruce's actions towards jason as abusive or wrong is because jason doesn't look his age. he's drawn to be this 35yr old father of three who looks even older than dick (and way too on par with bruce) that people see their fights as one between batman and any of his regular rogues. when they fight, it just looks like batman is fighting a man his age and not an actual young person. it doesn't look like batman is fighting his son who's barely even drinking age (and who def wasn't drinking age in utrh). their fights are portrayed in a way that eliminates the very real power struggle between them.
this applies to jason's entire character as well. a lot of people don't sympathize with how he died or his actions as robin or his fights with the other bats because he doesn't look his age. he always looks older and scarier than everyone else. tim has many sympathizers from the titans tower incident because jason just looked like a grown man fighting a 12yr old (even tho i disagree, tim was built and like 17 lmfao).
anyways, i just wish comics would actually draw jason to look his age, which literally ranges from 19 to early twenties. he's young- so young, and it's so annoying to see him drawn and written as someone older than even bruce.
#the way everyone in jason's robin run saw him as this adult despite him being 12-15#like what the fuck#just because a child has experienced more than the average adult doesn't make him any less of a child#it's like the typical groomer thought process#if jason was shown younger in arkham knigjt for example there'd be less people calling him whiny#they showed 15yr old jason's torture scenes like he was a 25 yr old#he should've been shown as the small child he was#it would've put more perspective into how cruel and fucked it was of the rogues to torture a literal child#and then bruce almost killing him in rhato...#now imagine if jason looked his age there#honestly this all just feeds into the idea that jason feels too small for his big body#imagine being this tiny kid growing up and then dying and coming back to life as this tank#arghhhhh!!!!!#jason todd#red hood#batman#jason peter todd#bruce wayne#jason todd deserves better
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wanderer's adventures in sumeru
THANK YOU FOR 70 FOLLOWERS BY THE WAY!! some news, i made an offical art twitter account! 🥳 its @/marsunshi and i linked it, right now im focused on genshin there and will be a lot more active, but im still going to try and post mcsm content here because i have Many wips ^^ i also have my ao3 linked there and i have a few drafts of mcsm works that i might post at some point..who knows
#i love the idea of scara learning to allow himself to do things without thinking twice#picking flowers for nahida and asking tighnaris advice#actually conversating#sword dancing with nilou#he doesnt have anything to be defensive about anymore so he learns to just Be#his healing process is directly tied to sumeru and i want to see more of how he interacts with it's people#when hes not fighting them or launching them across field (ahem ahem interdarshan championship)#genshin#genshin impact#wanderer#scaramouche#kaveh#nilou#dehya#tighnari#doodle#scara in the first one can either be feeling guilty about shocking tnri in the AQ or wishing he could do it again in that moment#its up for interpretation
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the most difficult thing about growing as a person socially, as in getting out of your shell and noticing that you are, is that there will still be times when it doesn’t feel like you’ve grown at all! times when you can’t really connect with anyone around you, times when you fail to enter into an existing conversation, times when you say the wrong thing (or nothing at all when in hindsight you probably should’ve). but that’s also kind of the best thing, because that’s the thing that helps you realize that sometimes, it’s not you or your lack of skills or any shortcoming. sometimes certain environments just aren’t for you and certain people aren’t your people, and that’s okay. that’s human. it’s okay to not feel the progress you have made all the time.
#and that goes for every type of growth#backstory of this post:#after I came back after a few months of doing my international internship I felt so much more confident#it was easier making friends and walking up to people#i took more chances#and generally just heard it a lot from those around me who kept telling me how much i’d changed#this was further supported by my first office job that went pretty well#but then came my grad internship. and while i love the work and have met some great people I noticed it was difficult again#there was one office lunch where no one spoke to me at all! it was my first week and I didn’t know what to say#if i should even say anything#we were all sitting at the same table#not one person even glanced my way#it made me doubt myself; i was doing so well before#was that even real? why can’t I just speak up? this is not the way to connect with people#especially in my first week!#but you know what#i was still doing well. i just had to factor in the fact that these were all middle aged people talking about reality shows i didn’t watch#and bikes i knew nothing about#as well as people who knew i was the new intern yet didn’t speak to me at all even though I’d introduced myself to them all individually#and even so#people I couldn’t really talk to about MY interests outside of work either#my point being:#it’s okay to not feel a connection with everyone you meet#it’s okay to fall back into old habits even though you’ve developed new ones#it will never unravel the process you’ve made and the connections you’ve built#you’re doing fine#after this internship I will surround myself with people who reaffirm that belief#growth in the self#self love#positivity
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“But someday you'll find somebody and love him and love him and never let him go.”
#my art#haikyuu!!#kagehina#hinata shouyou#kageyama tobio#been a while ;_;#I'm in the process of moving atm#I hope once I've settled in completely and everything is done I will feel more motivated to draw again#I miss drawing#I hate this feeling like I'm wasting so much time that I could use to get better 😞#anyway 😍 I will not give up
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Lan Wangji might be an unstoppable force, but Xie Lian has 800+ years of practice of being an immovable object.
(poll results here for context)
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#bonus comic#The most resounding conclusion the community came to agree on is thar Xie Lian is bad at cooking on purpose#and is stubborn to the point of refusing to let go of this feature (not a bug) of himself.#though if you practice being bad at something on purpose you do just…get bad.#Poor lan wangji probably had to watch him do horrendous food crimes in the kitchen.#crushing eggs in his fists and throwing it into the bowl or pan (shell and all).#Burning water. Throwing in ingredients based on the roll of a dice. Putting in leaves and cool rocks he found.#He is living his best life mind you. And I think as long as he is happy then let him make his potions.#This is *his* version of art therapy. It just shouldnt be fed to anyone.#lwj would probably try to make it more theraputic after realizing that the bad cooking skills were on purpose. But even then XL is a rock.#he will not do anything he does not want to. Including processing feelings.#Don't idealize that btw. You will do yourself no favours by ignoring hard emotions. Love and peace everypony; Its a hard world out there.#Hua Cheng and wwx hung out during all of this and have since become hunting buddies.#Sometimes its birds sometimes it's each other. For sport.
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What if they made it a pair skate?
#I have a lot of thoughts abt Eros#cause Viktor’s original proposal of it with the context of episode 10 really showed us how he was processing the banquet#this hot guy comes tearing through the crowd seducing everyone but never acting further once he had his hooks in them#making them feel lost in wanting more#was that how viktor felt when yuuri danced the night away with him only to abandon him the day and days after?#and yuuri had NO IDEA cause he didn’t even remember the banquet night#they make me insane#but I thought a pair skate could be fun#maybe yuuri keeps his role as the teaser and viktor gets the role of pursuer in this skate hypothetical#bet u could do lots of fun choreography with that#yuri on ice#yoi#katsuki yuuri#peas n guac#id in alt text#fanart#viktor nikiforov#viktuuri
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