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lilyrachelcassidy · 3 years ago

Text

Birthday Cake

A/N: Suprise folks!!! *me laughing maniacally* The whole scenery for this fic somehow appeared in my head and I just COULDN’T let it slip away, so... My biggest inspo for that was @drawlfoy!! Remember her posting the fic where Draco and Reader work at McDonald’s and are total suckers in their job (arguing with the customers; preparing wrong orders; etc.)? Dee unfortunately, deleted this precious, but it’s stuck to my head ever since (lol lol, it’s the moment where Dee wants to get rid of something, but I kindly remind everyone it existed). Therefore I present to you the next Draco x Reader fic related to our fav fast-food rest. This time, however, they’re not working at the same workplace but... I'm going to stop here cuz I don't want to spoiler :P

**The second thing that triggered me to write this fic is the YouTube video I recently saw with a lady who orders the 'specials' appearing to be out of the menu list of McDonald’s, through the Drive-Through. She asked for a birthday cake, was laughed at a few times, but eventually got what she wanted. Applause for the attitude!!

About the fic (context, my bitches): ofc it’s the modern AU, non-magical world. Draco’s the worst boyfriend ever but always manages to turn things into their righteous place.

Summary: The birthday is upcoming, and Draco is in a rush to think up an idea for a perfect gift. His ingenuity fails, however, and leaves Y/N very unsatisfied with a disaster that has been forged.

Word Count: 3.6k

Warnings: my brain playing a total psycho, language, alcohol, sexual undertones/allusions to sex, Pansy being too much of her self... deal...

Tags: @drawlfoy @eltanin-malfoy

Such an unrestrained desire to strangle somebody you hadn't felt in a long time.

Really.

Today was your birthday, which you had been widely announcing for almost a whole month to people you might have accidentally forgotten about it. Having your boyfriend, Draco, on your mind in particular.

You doubted he would have the guts to omit your big day, though as repeatedly as he had done for a few years back. But something between foresight and the second sense of prevention told you to keep reminding him every day of the upcoming event, with a heap of birthday-themed emojis and uppercases in the messages.

Everything was planned out in your head: him picking you up from your house with the sharp-red cabriolet that he used only for special occasions; him driving the two of you to the fanciest restaurant he could find in town; him bestowing you with a nice-looking, golden necklace or a different piece of jewelry you had been suggestively pointing out in the store's exhibition; him booking up a hotel room for you two to celebrate.

Either way, that was much beyond your expectations, as it turned out. And now you were sitting in the front yard of your house, waiting for him to show up.

'If he was going to at all.' This thought invaded your mind for the last hour, try as might to subdue it. An hour you had been sitting tight, hoping it was only a delay caused by a traffic jam or other irrational explanation he could come up with. But you were deceiving yourself, you eventually presumed -- you had been checking up your phone every one minute, only to see if any message notification popped up on the screen, other than birthday wishes from friends who actually cared for you.

2.02pm: Nothing.

2.03pm: Susan 'Happy birthday bitch!'

2.04pm: Instagram notif. (Someone liked your photo, which you had posted before leaving your room, posing in front of the mirror in the best cocktail dress you could find in the wardrobe.)

2.05pm: Nothing yet again.

2.06pm: Still... Peace and quiet.

"Fuck it...Enough," you muttered under your breath, an annoying disillusionment falling like a heavy mile stone on your chest. Tears suddenly started sprinkling in your eyes at the regret, and you were very reluctant to admit that your friends were right -- Draco Malfoy was an egoistic, negligent, self-absorbed pri--

"Hi." You heard the raspy, panting voice says. "Sorry for the delay."

You blinked slowly, stupidly. You raised your head to assure yourself it was him. That his expression actually corresponded to his words and showed some kind of remorse for standing you up. But no... There he was: standing in front of you, plainly confident and unashamed, with his cocky smirk provoking you to slap him.

Oh, how much you craved to slap him right now. "Where to the fuck have you been?"

"I've tried to pick this up," he explained, simultaneously lifting up the paper bag he'd been carrying in his hand. The big, exclaiming letters 'McDonald's' with the brand's logo were printed on its exterior, and it was fully stuffed with something inside.

Not quite comprehending, you furrowed. You attempted to hide the venom in your voice, but somehow it found its way to leak out. "Couldn't you do that in advance?"

"Nope..." It was his turn to furrow, looking almost shocked with the question. And thanks to all those years of your relationship, you knew it was his piss-poor estimation of time taking over. "It was a last-minute surprise."

"Sounds like it," you commented irritably. "What's that?"

"Your birthday present, sunshine," he drawled happily, ignoring your remark. He sounded positively delighted and satisfied with himself at surprising you with that because he saw a slight crease of shock painting on your forehead. "Here you go."

You took his deposit out of his grasp, still quite unsure. What if his gift would only make a situation worse? Can it get any worse with Draco's total lack of tact? Yes. But it was only one way to find out.

Without even stealing a second glance at him, you ripped off all of the packaging that had been folded around, protecting the contents. You tried to do it carefully and without any impact of emotions revealing the way you felt inside, but your hands were shaking with rage, and you couldn't quite contain yourself. You had been highly aware you shouldn't have expected much from him, but still...

You wondered if the universe was playing against you.

There was a moment of tense silence as you struggled to deal with all the wrappings. Rather unfortunately, you wished you hadn't put so much effort in opening your so-called 'gift' because as you finally did, it only angered you more, seeing as the disappointment laughs at your face. And yes, as a matter of fact, the universe was against you today...

"Are you kidding me?" you asked in disbelief, fury reappearing in your eyes. "A birthday cake?! From McDonald's?" Ugly, little cake with the creepiest smiley face of a clown. It wasn't even fresh, you realized, when you smelled it and felt a musty reek of a freezer, it probably had been kept in. A confusing sense of sadness in your chest couldn't reach any higher at this point.

"Don't you like it?" he asked, detecting the wrath in your eyes. At that, you felt the dumbest urge to laugh and never stop. "I thought it'd be something original."

"Oh, I love it," you said sarcastically, a faint voice of hope telling you it was only a very bad joke was still lingering in your head. But it wasn't a joke.

"It's not just--" He struggled to form a coherent sentence. "I've been asking Blaise and Theo about any ideas. I told them, what you had said to me -- 'you didn't want anything fancy.' So we decided it's... something."

"Of course I didn't tell you I want anything, you dolt!" Your voice raised up almost two octaves, and the pulse sped up so fast it entailed a headache along. A neighbor from the opposite garden who was watering the flowers looked at you, startled, and eyes widened your exasperated tone. You didn’t care. "It's how it works: you don't tell other people you expect them to buy something!"

"But I'm your boyfriend. You shouldn't -- er-- feel uncomfortable to tell..."

"Exactly! As my boyfriend, you should have known!"

"Well... I didn't. If that's what's bothering you, we can...we can..."

"Stop." Listening to him and his pathetic excuses was the last thing you were going to do now. "What – why would you even – " You sputtered out, unable to process or express exactly what you were feeling. There was definitely anger and indignation. Curiosity, for another, as to why Draco would even fall for such foolish and ill-considered idea, and -- to the top of it -- hope it would make a good fit. And possibly, the last and most satisfying part, was the wicked impulse to throw the cake directly into his arrogant face, letting him taste his own medicine he had been serving you for years on each failed birthday.

"You know, for once, you could pay more effort and try doing something nice for me," you told him firmly, deflating to calm down your buzzing nerves.

"I've been tr--"

"Do you realize how much it costs me to pretend to be happy when you forget about me? Last year, I organized a big-ass party for your birthday, inviting over all of your friends and buying the best booze I could find to celebrate it properly," you said harshly and pretentiously, as you intended. "The best part is, you didn't even thank me." You stared at him, wringing your hands and expecting to perceive any trope of shame in his eyes. For the first time, you actually did.

"Listen, about that--" he calmly attempted to cut off your monologue.

"No, you listen..." Did you really want what was upcoming next? Maybe it was about time. "Today, I decided I'm standing up for myself. So, for the last time, get out from my porch."

He bristled, the thunderstruck air hanging around him. "Because of the stupid cake?"

"What?! No! It's just... I feel like you don't give a damn about me anymore." Gulp formed in your throat, and the tears finally left your eyes at the consciousness of what was happening. "I think we both deserve some time."

Your eyes moved to his, and you almost wished you hadn't looked. He was watching you, with pursed lips and a pure mixture of every emotion: anger, sadness, resentment, pretension, dejection. The faintest of his flustered blushes appeared on his cheeks, and you suddenly wished you could hug him. "So you are putting us..." His finger pointed at him and you as if expecting clarification. "...on a break? Is that what it is?"

You were truly torn, to be honest. Becoming single on your birthday was the last wish you had for this day, but you felt a strong sense of adequacy and pride for building up the boundaries of tolerance. Besides, seeing as it was heading nowhere, it was only a matter of time that your relationship came to an end.

Although, it hurt. A lot. "Yes."

You darted your eyes from him, not wanting to study his reaction in case it caused you to meltdown and jump to his embrace, apologizing endlessly for your words. You loved him. But you didn't regret what you had just said.

Something like a dry chuckle of disbelief escaped out of his mouth. "Is that what you really want?"

'No,' your thoughts prompted you instantly before you could even contemplate. 'I want you to say so many things you're never willing to say. But you don't know.'

So instead, you lied: "Yes."

All expressed, you spun around without peeking back and rushed into your room, already knowing there was no more sense in strives to make this day any better; all of it would bring only bad associations. It would be depressing, even more than it already was.

God, was it how the break-up pained? Because if so, you wanted to be deceased. The world spun suddenly, and you sank to your knees, shaking madly and doing your best to find your way back to your bed, located a few mere meters from you. Part of you felt numb, but your head was wide awake and alarming you that something in terms of a disaster had just happened. Because it did. The clutching in your chest was unbearable, and tears were dashing out of your eyes like a living waterfall, which made you bury your face in your hands. Never have you ever wanted to be so drunk before.

And so many questions rung up in your head at once.

Did you make a good decision? What if you are going to miss him, yet knowing you could never call? What about college -- are things about to get awkward?

No answers.

But you knew someone who would be able to reply to them.

With the blurred by tears vision, you struggled but managed to find your phone in the purse, and then clumsily scrolled through and tapped in your list of contacts before holding the phone to your ear.

Please answer, you begged. Please, please…

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Pansy's voice roared from the other side of a line, as always, enthusiastic.

"Pansy." You tried to sound less brokenly than you were, feeling marginally worse at the reminder of your birthday. "Is Daphne around?"

"Ouch, you're a really nasty bitch sometimes, you know. I'm not goin' to point out today, but since you didn't let me end my wishes, I'll note that for the future reference." You were sure she was grinning at the teasing, seeing as much as she liked that. Normally, you wouldn't mind, but... "How--"

"Pansy, please..." you sobbed out, almost desperate to have someone to consult and share emotions with. Daphne -- contrary to Pansy, who could be very judgy sometimes -- was someone you had especially on mind now. "I need to talk to her."

You heard her sigh; the kind of sigh she used to either prove her resignation or concern. But, as much as it surprised you, she suppressed her curiosity and, without a second word, obediently handed the phone over to Daphne. At least, that's what you assumed because you heard a pause and subdued mutters in the background.

"Y/N?" the milder tone spoke up, and you felt suddenly very strange as if submerged in water of relief; relief to hear the familiar voice. That released you from keeping a distant attitude, and yet again, a sadness washed over you, triggering a loud wail to come out of your mouth. "Y/N, is everything alright?"

"No..." you sniveled, unable to collect yourself together. "I-I... We br-brok-e up."

"You and Draco?" Daphne asked, astonishment evident.

You nodded but then remembered she couldn't see you nor read your expression. So instead, you forced your vocal cords to work again. "Mhm..."

"What happened?"

Restoring the story in your brain again, you told her everything, still tearfully but much more coherently this time. You avoided the details, briefly skipping from one utterance to another, as your conversations had gone, and you were very much thankful she didn't press for more information about the prospect of the situation. If it hadn't been her sporadic gasps or loud inhales of breath, you would have almost presumed she wasn't listening. However, she was, and as soon turned out, Pansy was as well.

"That's bananas!" Pansy shouted somewhere from the back as you had ended, and despite your gloom, you giggled quietly at her comment.

"Shush," Daphne tried to silence her, covering up the fact she had put you on the speaker. You didn't mind because you knew Pansy, who would definitely expect Daphne to cite the whole conversation if needed. But knowing Daphne as well, you could bet she flushed more than she would want to at that point. "So it all started because of the cake?"

"And the delay," you added. "But it's not just about that, obviously. It feels like... he completely stopped caring. And I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where everything is about sex and having fun only. Draco wasn't looking for a commitment, which..."

"Sucks,"ended this time Pansy unhesitatingly, who wasn't now screaming from the other part of a room but openly participating in the discussion.

"Yeah," you agreed.

"As for me, I think he might love you more than you know, Y/N." It was Daphne talking again, and she sounded positively convinced about her view as for someone who had hardly exchanged any word with Draco for the past few years. As if reading your thoughts, she continued. "I've observed you a lot. I know he might seem unemotional, but it's you who discovered him. That must require a lot of trust, you know."

You contemplated, and some of the memories and images from your first encounter run across your brain, try as might to suppress it: spotting each other at the party; binging some whisky shots together; flirty teasing; the very masculine scent of cologne; and then... more spicy recollections -- eager lips pressing against each other; against each others' necks; against other parts of the body; stripping off the clothes in the passionate haste...

Receiving a long moment of silence, Daphne took a second chance and asked. "And what's with you? Do you want to end it?"

It felt like standing before the oracle of truth. Therefore, you couldn't deny it in front of yourself. "No."

"So what're you still doing there?" commented Pansy impatiently, and you could imagine her rolling the eyes. "Get out and find him!"

She was right. You will.

XOXOXOXO

"I thought I'd find you here..."

No. Actually, you didn't.

You had tracked Draco's phone with your own one with some help of an app that, as the two of you had established still in the relationship, would be a good idea in case of an emergency. That in itself proved to be more than helpful, believing that your argument may be pinned as something in terms of an emergency, right?

So having access to his location, you had found out he was in the park where he had taken you on the first date, shortly after dinner, to watch the sunset that, as he had described, 'was a typical cliche from every romantic movie.'

But you had fallen for that. So much.

You hadn't been aware the place had actually some meaning for him until now, and that... God, that he had even remembered it. Time showed, however, that it indeed did, to which your heart reacted with a happy jolting. But also with a nasty sting of nostalgia following shortly after.

Yet, that only had encouraged you to make up your mind and go looking for him, which hadn't been such a difficult task per se. He was sitting on the bench, in the shade of a tree, and hiding his a little too delicate skin from the sun rays. As soon as he had heard your voice, his gray eyes flew up to see you standing a few meters away.

"What are you doing here?" was the immediate question that tumbled out of his mouth. He arched his eyebrow, and to your surprise, he didn't even look angry or sad with you. Nothing near the edge; actually, almost something like the amusement was painting on his face.

"Aren't you mad with me?" you asked intrigued, completely forgetting about his question.

He frowned. "Why would I be?" His tone was so mild that you weren't sure if he was referring to the double meaning; but then he smirked playfully and said, "Besides, I knew you were coming."

"Wha-- How?" you asked, eyes dilating a fraction, in shock.

He smirked, pointing at his phone in an explanatory manner. After a moment, you finally figured out what he meant: the app must have registered he had been tracked and that your phone was trying to find his. At this notice, you reacted with a wave of flush, suddenly regretting your previous lie. His smile only widened at your expression. "Wanna sit? It's plenty of room here."

"Mhm..." You nodded, pleased to accept his offer, and walked over to the bench, doing your best to hide the evident embarrassment on your face. You felt strange he had taken you with such ease, seeing as merely two or three hours ago, you had burst at him like a cram-full volcano of unspoken emotions.

Draco shifted a package from his side, making more space for you to sit, and it took you a moment to realize it was a McDonald's cake from earlier. Everything started from that -- a stupid, little piece of cake which stood up between...

You shook the thought away, taking a seat next to him, close enough to smell his sandalwood cologne. "You didn't answer my question," Draco reminded you. "What's so important to make you track my phone?"

"I'm sorry, okay?" You rounded your face to him, flustrated, leaning at the backrest of a bench. "That's why I came. I wanted to apologize."

"Oh... Couldn't you call?"

You sighed. "I figured you wouldn't want to talk to me after...you know... our quarrel," you said half-despondent, half-desperate, watching your feet as if it were the most interesting thing to peer at now. "I didn't mean what I said earlier."

"I know," he said. Out of nowhere, he was gently grasping your palms which forced you to look up directly into his intense gaze. His eyes were swirling like molten silver at you. "But I should be apologizing, love. I made a mistake, okay?" His hands traveled all across to your tense shoulders, squeezing them lightly. "I know I should be more... affectionate with you. And this was...dumb. A dumb mistake. With that cake. But I'll try to be better if you give it another shot."

He looked so serious that you instantly believed him. You wanted to actually, with all force of longing, which grew up too rapidly in you when he wasn't around. Draco was a fool, you could easily say. But he was your fool, which was a thing you couldn't be more proud of.

Peeking slowly in the other direction, you asked, out of the topic, "You remembered the place?"

"Of course," he puffed jokingly, smiling. "Our first date. Officially our place from then on."

"Right..." You smiled back.

Honestly, the mere fact that he had called this spot 'yours' warmed up your heart, and you felt yourself grinning at his never-before-discovered emotionality. To assure yourself you weren't the only one caring, it was all you needed to hear.

The whole moment was intense, and now, you realized, is when you should have hugged him. Kissed him. Said something back at his sincere endearment.

But instead, spotting plastic cutlery next to your 'gift', you asked, "So what's the taste of the birthday cake?"

And you knew he had caught the subtext of your playful inquiry. And you knew that soon you would work things out again. But, as for now...

"I thought you would never ask."

XOXOXOXO

A/N: Looooooool. Such a drama-comedy, right? And I could easily say It feels like 50% Draco-x-Reader / 50% Draco-x-BirthdayCake... But whatever (2am is working like a drunken bud, folks). Happy beginning of August :)

63 notes · View notes

jimlingss · 4 years ago

Note

ooo exciting !!! jungkook + romance/fluff + "kiss me" + e2l

Anonymous said: Can I request a fluffy jungkook fic with a touch of angst. Any AU you want and maybe a friends to lovers? Feel free to decline :)

Anonymous said: a fluffy “oh! you’re jealous” prompt with Jungkook pls? any au is fine☺️

Anonymous said: jungkook, prompt list 1 - #27: “Are you blushing?” :> i hope you have a lovely holiday season!!

Anonymous said: Friends to lovers!! Or enemies to lovers pls!! I love that shit

This is the most ambitious crossover of requests since Avengers lol jk.

↳ Suspended, Seduced, Surprised!

1.9k || 99.5% Fluff, 0.5% Angst || Jeon Jungkook || E2L, Huddle For Warmth!AU (sort of)

It started off with Jungkook coming out of nowhere and nearly scaring the living daylights out of you.

He laughed — that noisy sound that makes his nose scrunch — and you rolled your eyes, turning back around in the line. When the ski lift chair arrived, he asked if he could come too. You told him to kindly fuck off, but in the next second, he slid next to you, smiling widely.

It was too late for him to get off. Not when your feet was already lifted off the ground.

You don’t know why he’s so adamant about bothering you. If Taehyung didn’t tell you at the last minute that Jungkook was coming along, you would’ve just not come on this trip and ruin your winter break like this.

“Why didn’t you go with Sana?”

The ski lift is ascending upwards at an incline, moving past the coniferous trees and those skiing down the mountain beneath you. Luckily, it wasn’t too sunny or snowy out. But the air was still sharp with frost that’s long made your cheeks numb. Every exhale past your parted lips creates a cloud of condensation.

Jungkook’s thick brow lifts and he pushes his ski goggles up onto his head, on top of his blue beanie like yours. His doe eyes look at you. “Why would I go with her?”

You shoot him an incredulous expression. You don’t know why he’s playing dumb. “I thought you were trying to get cozy with her.”

The corner of Jungkook’s mouth slyly curls and he leans in. “Oh. You’re jealous.”

Instantly, your face contorts into a disgusted expression and a boyish laugh bubbles out of him.

“I would,” he says, “but she already has a boyfriend.”

“She does?”

Jungkook hums. “Some guy two years older than us, majoring in finance.”

Oh. You didn’t know that.

Suddenly it sinks in that you’re having an actual conversation with Jungkook. One where he’s being a cocky asshole only a tiny amount and you can actually bear through it. It almost feels like you’re….friends.

But right as the thought comes to mind, the ski lift chair halts and momentarily swings. You jolt, looking at the chair ahead of you that’s frozen as well before turning around. “What happened?”

“I don’t know.” Everyone is seemingly as confused as you are. “It looks like we’re stuck.”

You groan. “Oh shit.”

Five minutes later, Taehyung comes wandering underneath you. He stands by a tree on the sidelines and cups his gloved hands around his mouth. “Oh my god!” he screams at the top of his lungs. “I finally found you guys!”

“Taehyung!” You shout back at him. “What’s going on?!”

“Well, I was looking around for ages and Jimin wanted to give up since he thought you went down to the lodge and I told him no way—”

“Dude!” Jungkook shrieks and you wince at the sheer volume of his voice. “We get it!”

You remember why he grinds on your nerves so badly. Everything Jeon Jungkook does just irritates you. Including the fact that he was currently trying to burst your eardrums.

“Right! Sorry! They said it would be fixed in half an hour! Hang in there!” Taehyung fist pumps the air with a rectangular grin as if it’s enough to encourage the two of you and you sigh loudly.

“Whelp.” Jungkook settles back into his seat. “Looks like we won’t die.”

“Great.”

“Are you cold?”

You turn to the boy, surprised that he’s actually considerate enough to—

“We could always get naked, you know,” he adds, shattering the image of him that had curated in your mind for point two seconds and it flees as quickly as it came. “To converse heat.”

Your mouth opens, speechless. You shake your head. “Right when I thought you were being nice to me for once.”

Jungkook grins unabashedly. “I am being nice. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t flirt like this with anyone else and if you ask me, I think it’s working too.” The bastard leans in and you lean backwards to keep more distance. He bats his pretty lashes. “Are you blushing?”

You deadpan, “It’s literally negative thirty degrees out.”

He laughs again.

The both of you get comfortable, laying your ski poles across your laps, and looking out at the snowy mountain landscape that’s all too peaceful. Or at least until you feel a poke through your puffed jacket.

You look down to find Jungkook handing you a heat pack from his pocket. “It’s not much but it might help.”

“....Thanks.”

Strangely, the guy doesn’t brag about how kind he is or how much you should appreciate the gesture. He simply starts to hum to kill time. It’s soothing. Kind of nice to listen to even.

You enjoy it until he abruptly stops and asks— “Why do you hate me so much?”

You look at him. “Seriously?”

Jungkook smiles and it’s somehow reminiscent of a rabbit. “What? Nothing like confronting people when they’re trapped in a spot with nowhere to run, right? Plus, this is a good opportunity to be reflective, don’t you think?”

You scoff, not sure where to begin. But there’s no reason why you should spare him from the truth of why you grew to have such a strong distaste for him. If he wants to know, you’ll happily let him know.

“How about for never calling me back after you slept with me? Is that a good enough reason for you?”

Jungkook’s head whirls over. The bomb’s been dropped.

You feel his stare on your profile. It goes deathly quiet.

It’s the biggest resentment you held against him, what made his cocky attitude even uglier to you. Maybe you shouldn’t be so angry. It wasn’t like he vowed anything would happen afterwards. Maybe he thought it was supposed to be a no-strings attachment thing. But it wasn’t like that for you.

Jungkook acted interested when you first met. He sweet-talked you. He led you to believe there would be something more. And when there wasn’t— well, the rest is history.

You wonder if Jungkook’s shriveling up and cringing for asking in the first place or if he’s remotely ashamed. You hope he is. It serves him right. The audacity he has to talk to you casually after ghosting you so brutally like that is insulting. You wonder how he’ll respond, if he’ll regret bringing the subject up, if he’ll try to conjure some kind of half ass apology—

“Because you never gave me your number.”

This time, your neck snaps towards him. Jungkook’s gaze is unwavering.

“You’re the one who ditched me,” he says. “You were gone when I woke up.”

“I wrote you a note. On a napkin on the dresser.”

The man, in the blue snowboard jacket and black ski pants, frowns. “No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did. Do you think I would lie about this?”

“Then I never saw it.”

It’s easy for Jungkook to lie. One of his many talents is his pretty lips that has easy words rolling off his tongue like butter. But by his expression, the slight pout of his mouth, the furrow of his brows, you can tell he’s being genuine. There isn’t any facade, any flirtation.

“I would’ve remembered if I saw it cause that morning Taehyung woke me up and he never wakes up before me. But he was whining because of his allergies and needed me to run to the pharmacy—”

The pair of you go silent.

It dawns on you both.

Kim Taehyung.

Knowing Taehyung and his godforsaken allergies, he must’ve taken the napkin and sneezed right into it. He probably threw it in the trash or took it with him and crumpled it into his hand. God fucking dammit.

“It wasn’t my fault,” Jungkook murmurs, his eyes rounded at the realization.

You shift uncomfortably. The possibilities of what-if storm your mind. What if Jungkook saw it, what if he texted you or called you afterwards like he promised. What if you didn’t meet again on accident through Taehyung but continued the communication yourselves. Could he be sitting here next to you as someone more in your life?

But you brush the thoughts away as it overwhelms you.

“That’s funny,” you pipe up, mustering some stiff laughter, breaking the silence. “At least we solved one mystery.”

“Y/N.”

“It’s cold.” You wrap your arms around you. “We should stop talking and conserve heat.”

Jungkook nods and the pair of you quiet down. But without conversation, time drags on slower.

You peek a look at him and instead of being deep in thought like you thought he’d be, Jeon Jungkook is looking around, blinking with his doe eyes, the black strands from his bangs nearly pricking into them. He’s completely nonchalant and you internally sigh to yourself.

You’re not sure what you were expecting.

Jungkook is Jungkook.

That note on the dresser probably wouldn’t have changed anything.

“Y/N.” He speaks up a minute later.

“What?”

“You know how we could keep warm?”

“What.”

“Kiss me.”

You could not roll your eyes harder.

An enormous grin spreads into Jungkook’s cheeks, irises twinkling from the snow’s refraction. The little shit has too much fun annoying you and he jumps at the chance to continue to egg you on, “Why? Too scared to? Think you might fall in love with me now that we cleared the air and you don’t hate me anymore?”

He bats his lashes exaggeratedly.

You scoff. “Yeah right. As if.”

“Then why not?”

Your head spins around to face him, momentarily taken aback at how he’s a few inches away but you conceal your expression just as quick. You don’t know why he’s so insistent on this terrible joke. “Why? Do you want me to kiss you?”

Jeon Jungkook’s grin taunts you.

You loll your head to the side, eyes narrowing into slits. “You think I won’t do it.”

“I’m just trying to improve the mood.” He sits back and shrugs, having too much fun watching your explosive reactions. “It doesn’t matter what I say to you. You’re a dog with all bark but no bite, Y/N. I know you too well.”

Your jaw clenches at the challenge. At his mocking tone. At the bastard’s audacity.

And just to prove him wrong, you grab Jungkook’s face in your hands and turn him towards you. In one breath, you aggressively slam your mouth against his. It almost hurts. Your teeth nearly clash. But you barely feel anything with your numb lips except for how chapped his lips are.

It’s a brief kiss, but enough to prove yourself.

You pull away with a cocked brow and small smirk, relishing in his wholly stunned expression.

At that same moment, the ski lift jolts and starts to move again. Someone behind you cheers.

“You don’t know me at all, Jeon Jungkook,” you murmur softly, seductively and with the smirk still plastered on your features. The unloading zone approaches, so you move the safety bar, stand up from the ski lift chair and glide away.

Jungkook’s delayed, but follows after you helplessly a second later. You turn around while you still have the chance and he stares at you, blinking owlishly.

“If you want to make me blush or get jealous, you’re going to have to try a lot harder than you have been, Jeon. You should probably work on your kissing skills too. Staying like a dead fish isn’t appealing to me.”

You glide away on your skis before he can get another word in. In the meanwhile, a grin slowly spreads into Jungkook’s cheeks and he decides to accept your challenge.

#bts fanfic #bts scenario #jungkook fluff #jungkook fanfic #jungkook reader insert #jungkook scenario #bts fluff #bts reader insert #Anonymous #Jimlings

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itmighthavebeenintentional · 3 years ago

Text

We've Got Tonight - Ch 7 (end)

Summary: “It’s not your job to do this, Andy. You make people happy. I was in the diner all of ten minutes, and you knew exactly how to get me to smile. You do normal, real things like garden and sing karaoke. Saving the world is my job, Sam’s job. Sometimes it’s even Cas’s job, but it’s not yours.”

Inspired by Bob Seger’s “We’ve Got Tonight”

Warnings: Major Character Death, More Major Character Deaths (sort of?), higher than show level violence, blood, light smutting, language, demons, apocalypse, inferred suicide, cult activity.

18+ ONLY, MINORS DO NOT PROCEED

Author’s Note: You stuck around this long. Thank you. I appreciate you. And I'm really, really sorry.

Image and major edits by the incomparable @there-must-be-a-lock . Heavy editing and cheering by @thoughtslikeaminefield . Thank you both so much.

In case you missed it: Chapter 6 ItMightHaveBeenIntentional’s Masterlist

...

We’ve Got Tonight

Chapter 7

“Andy, are you okay? We took care of that crackpot apocalypse cult, but Cas isn’t making any sense. Why is he telling me to check in with you? How did you know about all this?”

“You got all of them? None of them got away? Does Cas still have the second address, Dean?”

“What does...No, Cas, I don’t...Jesus, alright! Yes, Andy, Cas has the address. Why? What the hell is going on? Are you gonna give me some answers, or-”

“Just come to the address, Dean. I’ll be here.” ...

The embers of the fire smoke sullenly in the steady drizzle. The flames died down a while ago, leaving only chunks of wood and ash, but still Dean stands sentinel over the remnants of the pyre.

His hands are shoved deep in his pockets, his face a stoic mask. There are streaks of blood down the front of his shirt from the fight earlier in the night, smears of dirt and soot across his skin that are beginning to run down in rivulets of dirty rain water. His eyes are red and a little wetter than the weather warrants. His clothing is soaked and chilled, but he stopped feeling the temperature a while ago.

He hasn’t moved in hours.

“Cas, I know he had that one night with her, but, I mean...can you at least explain how she knew about that ritual? Why would she do this to herself? And why did she need a hunter’s funeral? Was she a hunter? I didn’t recognize her.”

Cas stares miserably out of the Impala’s windshield, watching his lost friend without a clue of how to comfort him. Sam sits in the backseat, bewildered and completely unaware of how close he came to losing everything. Cas finds himself irrationally annoyed with Sam’s ignorance, despite being one of the main sources.

“I can’t tell you, Sam. She didn’t want me to, and I agree with her. But you should be very grateful, all the same. She saved you and your brother. She saved all of us.”

“Cas, I don’t-”

“That’s right,” the angel agrees suddenly, his brusque tone shutting down Sam’s questions. “You don’t. I’m going to check on Dean.”

…

“I just want to register for the record that you are a damned coward. Don’t give me any of that benevolent wisdom bullshit. You are a sick, sadistic, neglectful bastard, and I’m finding it hard to think of a single good thing you’ve ever done.”

The irate woman glares down at Chuck in his worn vinyl booth until he begins to squirm under her gaze. His eyes flick away from hers, then back suddenly, as if he’s afraid to let her out of his sight for too long.

“You still got a little time with him. Better to have loved and lost than to-”

She leans down in front of him, resting her hands on the table and bending until her nose is inches from his. He can smell the lavender and clover that she told Dean about, can smell the blood and the scotch, but most of all he can smell the smoke.

She continues to stare him down silently, her wrath evident in every line and angle of her body. His irritation rises, and his lips thin with displeasure until they almost disappear into his beard. He clicks his tongue at her, cocking his head to the side.

“I could have just let things run the course that they naturally did the first time, including your ‘highly successful’ deal with Crowley. Aren’t you humans always moaning about getting second chances? I gave you the chance to fix everything that went wrong the first time!”

“Considering I had to die both times for the world and the Winchesters to still be safe, I’d say there were still some holes in the overall plot line.”

He glares at her, resentful and sullen, unwilling to budge. “You made your choices, both times around. Free will, and all that? I could have just let you all die, let you live with the consequences of your choices just like every other human in history. I didn’t have to give you that rewind, you know.”

“Then why did you?!?”

Her furious outburst echoes around the empty tavern. She takes a deep breath, forgetting for a moment that she no longer needs to breathe at all, but the action serves its purpose, and her anger is temporarily eased. He takes advantage of the quiet to push his point, trying one more time to get her to see his side.

“I wanted to give you, them, another chance. I couldn't see many ways out of this...tangle. So I put everything out there that I could think of to help you, and I hoped you’d make the right choice. And you...did?”

But this woman, this impossible, irritable, flawed human, is clearly unimpressed that this is the first time in existence that he’s bothered to explain his reasoning to anyone.

“For the record, regardless of where it sends me, you are a complete dick.”

He holds her gaze soberly, his expression going neutral with only a tinge of regret, before finally raising his hand in a sort of farewell gesture. Then she’s gone, and he is alone once more.

“For the record,” he mutters as he lowers his hands to the typewriter in front of him, “you’re not wrong.”

….

“We’ve Got Tonight” by Bob Seger

I know it's late; I know you're weary. I know your plans don't include me. Still here we are: both of us lonely, Longing for shelter from all that we see.

Why should we worry? No one will care girl. Look at the stars, so far away.

We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow? We've got tonight, babe, Why don't you stay?

Deep in my soul, I've been so lonely: All of my hopes, fading away. I've longed for love, like everyone else does. I know I'll keep searching, even after today.

So there it is girl; I've said it all now, And here we are babe. What do you say?

We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow? We've got tonight, babe, Why don't you stay?

I know it's late; I know you're weary. I know your plans don't include me. Still here we are, both of us lonely. Both of us lonely.

We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow? Let's make it last, let's find a way. Turn out the light, come take my hand now

We've got tonight, babe, Why don't you stay? Why don't you stay? .....

End

#supernatural #dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel #original female character #major character death #blood #violence #light smutting #language #cult activity #inferred suicide #demons #apocalypse #angst #i'm sorry

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killing-all-joy · 4 years ago

Note

Analoginceit with at least one of them being ace and that causing them a lot of anxiety about being in a relationship with the others and they keep it a secret for a long time until it builds up so much it just comes out all at once and they are like "I know you won't want to be with me anymore and that's okay, I get it. I love you guys but you deserve each other and not me" or something and yeah (it could be a different ship but you wanted prompts for them and that's all I could come up with)

A Sun That Doesn’t Burn

cw: heavy self-deprecation, swearing, food, kissing without consent (sorry), mentions of sex and innuendo

Roman knew quite well that it wasn’t his job to be the overly anxious one of the relationship. That was Virgil’s job. However, anxiety is inevitable if you are hiding a grave and important secret from those you love; a secret that, if revealed, would end your romantic endeavors with those people you love.

This is the situation that Roman was in.

He was asexual. However, there was no indication that his partners were as well. Even worse, said boyfriends didn’t know about his asexuality. As far as they knew, he was allosexual, just like them.

Roman couldn’t help but be awed at how long he had been able to go without telling them. He, Virgil, Logan, and Janus had been dating for nine months and he hadn’t had to say anything yet. He had always been able to weasel his way out of a situation if he thought it was starting to go...that way. He had a button on his lock screen he’d press that played the same ringtone as the customized one he had for his mother. He could escape any heated situation with no trouble. Hiding his asexuality has been an elaborate deception, as well as perhaps the hardest deception he’d ever involved himself in (which is saying something), not in no part to his guilt about these repetitive lies.

The situation couldn’t stop becoming worse; he could feel the repressed truth start to well up in his chest like a lake does during heavy rainfall, and there was no dam to let it out. It felt almost as if that in every conversation he had with his loves, the truth was begging to be revealed—and almost was on many occasions. He had to restrain himself, and it felt like holding someone back from a fistfight.

This brought him to where he was now. The four of them were in their apartment’s living room. Roman was currently panicking for two reasons:

1. He was currently engaged in a heated kiss with Janus—one that had just progressed into a make-out session (something he had no aversion to, but he didn’t like what could come after that). Virgil and Logan were kissing beside them in a similar fashion (except just a bit less heated).

2. He left his phone in the guest bedroom, and the door to it was now locked.

Roman was currently living in the build-up to his worst nightmare.

Of course, he didn’t let it show. He continued kissing Janus passionately, because kissing Janus was incredible and Janus was quite skilled at the activity. But even while his mouth was having the time of its life, his brain felt like it was about to explode.

There was no way out, at least not one that he could see. His brain was frantically considering anything, some way to get out of this situation without confessing his asexuality, which would make his loves hate him and/or break up with him.

Roman did not want to break up with them. They were the loves of his life.

Any efforts to conserve that final statement weren’t working, though, because Roman was at a loss. He couldn’t think of a way out without them breaking up with him. He’d have to stop Janus, tell him and Virgil and Logan everything, and then leave.

However, when Janus’s thumb started to creep under the hem of Roman’s shirt, the doorbell rang. The sound was the prettiest of all music, booming through the house and interrupting everything happening. It was a miracle; an angel sent from above. Roman could not believe his luck.

His brain was happy to remember that Janus had ordered pizza for them to eat while they watched a movie. They had chosen Disney’s Hercules, a mythologically inaccurate movie that was entertaining to at least three of the boyfriends nevertheless.

Janus pulled away from Roman’s lips slowly, giving him the most annoyed look. Roman snorted even though his brain was still in panic mode—that look on Janus’s face was always funny. Janus pulled away from Roman and grabbed his wallet off the table.

“It is with my deepest regrets that I say that we have been interrupted,” lamented Janus. “But since I ordered the pizza, it is I who should retrieve it. If only it hadn’t been me who ordered...” Janus grazed his thumb, index finger, and middle finger across Roman’s chin lovingly. He then turned away from Roman to walk to the door.

Roman exhaled in relief, running a hand through his hair and readjusting his shirt. While he could revel in that miraculous stroke of good luck for a moment, he could not afford to be happy any longer. This escape may not have been a lie, but every time before this was, and his brain had been conditioned to the guilt that came after the de-escalation and/or escape of a heated encounter.

He now almost wished that this time had been a lie. Sure, ultimately it was nice to know that not every time he’s avoided sex with his boyfriends was by his own deceptions, but that did nothing to dampen his desire to curl up in the guest room and cry while listening to his playlist he made for the times after he’d lied to his boyfriends to get out of a passionate encounter (yes, this had happened so often that he had a playlist). That would be suspicious, however, and at least one of them would probably hear his crying.

So he stood from where he was backed against the table, hand to his mouth in pure awe of his unbelievable luck, before realizing that he should probably move to the sofa to get ready for movie night.

He slipped off his shoes and socks and left them by the door. He proceeded to walk over to the sofa. He sat on the arm of the sofa—legs on the cushion and arms wrapped around his knees—and watched Janus interact with the delivery guy.

Virgil joined Janus at the door and held the two pizzas as Janus paid. He carried them over to the living room and set them on the coffee table. He then joined Roman on the sofa.

Roman saw Janus pay the guy (as well as tip generously, lord knows those workers don’t get paid enough). He looked away as soon as Janus turned back around, pretending to be focused on the pizzas instead. He saw Janus approach the sofa and stop in front of him.

“Are you hungry, dear?” Janus asked, tracking that Roman’s gaze was fixed on the pizza.

“Hm? Oh, um, yeah. I barely had much of a lunch, so pizza is sounding wonderful.” This wasn’t a lie; he hadn’t eaten much for lunch and his stomach was looking forward to the pizza.

Janus tsked. “What have I told you about eating all three meals?”

“That it’s essential.”

Janus nodded. “Precisely.”

“See, I had some lunch-”

“But not enough,” Janus interrupting with a knowing smirk. “It’s okay, Roman. Just eat dinner.”

“Okay, Mom,” Roman said with a roll of his eyes.

Janus gasped in fake offense. “I am your boyfriend, Roman! I resent being compared to a parental figure!”

Roman shrugged, starting to get up to retrieve a plate.

“Ah ah ah,” he heard a voice say from beside him. Roman looked up to see Logan holding four plates. “I have retrieved us plates already, Roman.”

“Thanks, Logan,” smiled Roman, taking a plate from Logan’s stack.

Roman spotted Virgil frowning in his peripheral vision, but his gaze was focused on Logan as he handed out the rest of the plates and sat on the far left cushion on the sofa.

“You seem so comfortable sitting like that, sweetheart,” Janus said sarcastically. “It wouldn’t serve you at all to sit on the actual cushions.”

Roman rolled his eyes at his boyfriend for the second time in the past minute but conceded and leapt off the couch.

Their sofa was rather large and could fit all four of them onto it comfortably. So, desiring (without any anger at Janus) to stray from Janus’s piercing gaze for a little while, sat on Virgil’s left and Logan’s right. He opened the box of pepperoni pizza and took a slice and placed it on his plate. He spotted Janus frown at Roman moving away from him in his peripheral vision. Janus opened his mouth, and Roman could tell he was about to ask Logan to move so he could sit next to Roman (Roman, Virgil, and Logan were well aware of Janus’ tendency to want to be close to the last person he had been engaged in intimate actions with (which was primarily kissing), especially if they were interrupted for external reasons). So, Roman curled into Logan’s side, ducking his head under Logan’s arm. Logan complied with this effort to cuddle easily, although he was a little bit taken off-guard from the suddenness of it. Roman smiled. Even if this hug wasn’t an escape from the negative feelings that came with being close to sex, Logan’s comfort was something he treasured above most things.

“Are you tired, Roman?” Logan asked curiously.

Roman nodded. He saw Janus bite his lip, finally settling to sit on the end cushion, away from Roman. Roman couldn’t help but feel a heavy weight of guilt settle in his gut at making Janus do something he clearly didn’t want to do. Roman hooked his right arm around Virgil’s left, though, just in case Janus tried to ask Virgil to scoot over. Virgil’s head turned at this, and he flashed Roman a loving smile. He picked up the television remote with his free arm and started to play the movie.

There was silence as the movie started, despite all of them except Logan having seen it before. They were all eating their pizza and paying attention. Except Roman, of course.

About five minutes in, Virgil broke the silence. “You haven’t started eating, Roman. Are you-”

Roman laughed. “I’ve been busying cuddling you and Logan, Virge. I know my pizza will get-”

“You should eat,” said Janus sternly, sounding just a bit distant. “You said you barely had lunch.”

Logan’s posture started to stiffen. “If that’s the case, love, you should definitely be eating.”

Roman rolled his eyes but uncurled from Logan and removed his arm from Virgil so he could eat properly. He sat up and allowed a couple of inches of space between himself and his boyfriends seated beside him. A part of him felt that he didn’t want to be touching them anymore (mostly because the loss of comfort has allowed his negative thoughts to resurface).

He trained his eyes on the movie so his boyfriends wouldn’t notice his lack of focus, but he continued to think about his guilt and lies. He took a bite of his pizza as well, so they wouldn’t be suspicious of his lack of eating.

Roman knew that eventually, they had to know about his asexuality. The truth would inevitably spill one day and Roman would be left alone, miserable. He didn’t tell them yet because he wasn’t ready for that; he wanted to spend and savor as much time as he could with Logan, Virgil, and Janus. Even still, the day would come when Roman would have to tell them he was ace.

He both wanted to and he didn’t. The weight in his chest, the pain, the guilt, the lies—they hurt like hell. He hated it all. He felt like he was betraying and misleading his boyfriends by not telling them, he felt like the weight in his chest would one day become so heavy that it would make him collapse, and the lies were becoming harder to keep track of and harder to create. If he could be rid of it, he would.

But, he still wanted to date Logan, Janus, and Virgil. He loved them to the end of the universe and back, and he didn’t want to imagine what his life would be like without them. There were many times when he would think sincerely about how they could be his forever one day. Except...the one thought that kept annoying him in the back of his mind kept stopping that wishful thinking. He was asexual and hadn’t told them yet. He wouldn’t be their forever.

He took another bite of his pizza.

Roman had to acknowledge that Janus, Virgil, and Logan were wonderful and kind people. If he were being purely logical, Roman would be able to say with complete confidence that they wouldn’t hate him. Roman wasn’t being purely logical, but he was still able to admit that they wouldn’t hate him just for being ace. They would break up with him for being ace, but they wouldn’t hate him for such. They would hate him because he lied to them. Misled them. Crafted elaborate deceptions just to shield them from the truth. That would make them hate him.

His brain couldn’t help but entertain another, perhaps even scarier thought: what if their relationship would be better without him in it? Sure, his asexuality of course made that true, but he couldn’t help but go further: did his personality bring the four of them down too? He had to admit that the answer to that question was ‘yes’. He was too much: too dramatic, too loud, too insecure. It hurt, but it also calmed him; his boyfriends wouldn’t be missing anything once he told them. Roman’s asexuality brought them down. It was comforting to know that it wasn’t just a part of Roman bringing them down: that it was all of him. It made the problem less of an “if only” and more of an “it’s better this way”. But was this really true, or was this just a false comfort?

He brought his knees to his chest when the guilt started to course through him again. He has been holding those he loves down and hurting their relationship? On top of lying to them at every turn and being asexual? He couldn’t help that his shame increased tenfold.

Roman looked at his pizza again, suddenly with contempt instead of hunger. His thoughts had ruined his appetite and he didn’t want to eat anymore.

He tried to stop thinking, deciding instead to focus on the TV. But he couldn’t process what he was watching. He just stared at the screen, trying to repress his deafening thoughts.

That didn’t last long, though. Virgil reached for the remote and paused the movie. Roman was surprised to see that half an hour had already passed. Virgil turned to look at Roman.

“Roman, can I-”

Virgil and Janus stopped talking. They looked at each other curiously.

Roman shrunk in on himself. They both had an issue with him. Because he just couldn’t do anything right, could he?

Roman saw Logan’s face contort with sympathy. He wrapped an arm around Roman and pulled him to his side. Roman was too scared to do anything to resist or lean in further.

“Roman, can we talk?” Virgil asked. “I had something to ask you about. Janus seems to as well.”

“Sure, Stormy Knight, what is it?” Roman asked, trying his best to look okay.

Virgil rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, you haven’t been eating much of your food, for one.”

His last two words worried Roman, and yet he laughed. “I’m just distracted, my haunted heart. Disney is my life, of course I’m too invested to remember to eat easily.”

He took a bite of pizza for good measure.

It tasted sour. The bread felt state; the sauce tasted like it was expired; the cheese felt like glue in his mouth, sticking to every corner of his mouth and all across his teeth and tongue; and the pepperoni was like thin cardboard left out in a rainstorm. He forced himself to plaster on a contented look that showed none of those thoughts.

“Um, okay...but like, you hardly had lunch. That’s still...” Virgil continued.

“Disney can make me do anything. We all know that,” Roman said, accompanying his last words with a chuckle.

Virgil bit his lip, clearly not finished. “Number two, your speech patterns are a bit different. You called L by his full first name earlier, which is rare for you because you always, always use a pet name for him...”

“...Thirdly, you sat on the arm of the sofa before I advised you to move to the couch cushions,” Janus added. “Quite unusual, since you always insist that a princely man such as yourself deserves to always sit in the most lavish of seats. Fourth, well, you know how I am after a...” Janus trailed off. He never liked to talk about his ‘weird’ or unusual habits, such as his tendency to cling to the last person he was engaged in intimate action with immediately after their ‘moment’. “...yeah. I’m, I’m not mad or annoyed at you or anything...you just always are attuned to that and tonight you actively-”

Roman felt a huge wave of guilt pass over him. None of this was Janus’ fault. He felt terrible for making him hurt, but Logan’s arms were unparalleled when it came to comfort. Being in his arms was grounding, warm but not too warm, kind (always, his arms were always kind), and simply one of the best places on the earth to be.

“Sorry, m’ love, I was just craving a Logan hug,” Roman said quietly, which wasn’t false, but wasn’t the truth either. “I haven’t had one in a while.”

Janus nodded, looking back down to his hands.

“Did I-”

Janus and Virgil stopped talking. They looked at each other, and Janus nodded at Virgil to let him speak.

“Did we do something wrong?” Virgil asked, sounding small. His eyes were cast to the floor.

Roman’s face fell into one of sadness. He slowly pulled away from Logan and put a hand on Virgil’s jaw. He gently had Virgil face him and stared into his eyes which held the whole world. (See, he had it all worked out. Virgil’s eyes held the world, Logan’s eyes held all the stars in the sky, and Janus’s were precious gemstones that could see into the depths of his soul and read him like a picture book. He had planned on telling them, but he figured he would never be able to.) He cradled Virgil’s jaw like it was glass and stared into his purple and green eyes with all the love he could muster.

“No, my purple prince, of course not,” Roman almost whispered, thumb brushing under Virgil’s eye. “You have done nothing of the sort. What could make you think this?”

“I-” Virgil tried to find words but couldn’t. “I don’t know. You just seem...distant.”

Roman frowned. “Sweet emo, I’m right here. If you mean I’m invested in the movie...”

“No, just...your mind seems to be in a place outside this apartment.”

“His mind is in his head, V, I don’t think that’s the issue,” Logan cut in.

Virgil rolled his eyes, a small laugh leaving his lips, a sound that Roman wanted to hear every day for the rest of his life. “No, Lo, he just doesn’t seem fully focused on our current activities.”

“Oh,” Logan said in realization, nodding. “Well, certainly. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. It is natural to have wandering thoughts.”

Virgil nodded. “Sure, L, but Roman said earlier that he was too intently focused on the movie to remember to eat. That suggests him being present. But...”

Roman was tempted to run to the guest room. They were now accusing him of lying, albeit subtly and not with anger apparent in their tone. Despite that, it hurt. He wanted to curl up and cry to his playlist.

It was as if Janus sensed this (or maybe it was just because he was well-versed in anything relating to deception), because he put a hand on Virgil’s arm, pausing his words.

“Let’s not psychoanalyze our dear boyfriend, especially since he’s right here and is able to answer your questions without us making assumptions, hm?”

Virgil stopped dead in his tracks, looking at Roman with guilt once more. “You’re right. Sorry, Ro.”

Roman gave him a half-smile, waving him off. “Don’t worry about it, Virge. What do you want to ask me about?”

Because sure, that question was risky, but to Roman, it was better than hearing his boyfriends call him a liar like he wasn’t even present.

“Oh, um...why are you so distant?” Virgil asked, getting straight to the point.

Roman frowned. “I didn’t think I was. I’m simply invested in the movie. Of course, I’ve seen it before, so my mind will think up tangents to some of the things I’m seeing, like things I would change to the movie and whatnot. Could that be it?”

“Um, maybe...”

“If you feel like I’m, like, neglecting you or somethin-”

“No!” Virgil exclaimed, practically a scream, that threw Roman into a shock. Virgil covered his mouth with his hand, eyes widened. “Holy shit that was so loud, sorry, but no, oh god, please don’t think that. You’ve been cuddling Logan and you had your arm in mine before I told you to eat. Of course you’re not neglecting us. No, please don’t think that.”

Roman’s shock dissipated, remembering how Logan used to have anxieties that he was neglecting them a few months back. Logan scared all three of them with his drastic offers to leave their relationship and such, so any mention of something relating to that made Virgil think something similar was happening.

“I don’t think that, V, but I wanted to make sure you weren’t feeling that way,” Roman reassured him, hand running across Virgil’s cheek lovingly. “I want to give you all that you want, and if you thought that I wasn’t...”

That, that right there, that was the crux of Roman’s guilt. He wanted to give his loves the moon, stars, and universe, but most of all, as much of himself as he could. But he was ace, and he didn’t feel comfortable with that one tiny, minuscule, outrageously important thing, and that hurt his heart so much. He was a prince, a romantic, and a lover, but not in the way his boyfriends would want him to be. He knew he didn’t owe them anything, but he couldn’t help the guilt that came with not being able to give them what they wanted. He didn’t deserve them; it was as simple as that, and he knew that they should leave him.

“No, Roman, you give us so much...” Virgil said lovingly, putting a hand on Roman’s waist. “You just feel a little absent this evening, which is fine since we all have those days. But it could be something we need to talk about, something eating at you, and we want to be there for you to help you.”

The truth, less a lake or river and more of an ocean, was rising and it wanted desperately to come out—but he pushed it down, building the levees higher and higher so the saltwater wouldn’t spill and poison their relationship. He swallowed it back, refusing to be honest for what felt like the trillionth time. The ocean in his heart wanted to break the cycle of lies and deceptions, but his mind and loving heart couldn’t bring itself to.

He was just so in love with these men...so in love, he couldn’t bring himself to do what was best for them and leave them.

If he left them without providing any reason, it would break their hearts, but it would be easier. He wouldn’t have to disappoint them, to admit to lying to them, and they wouldn’t hate him. He didn’t think he could deal with them hating him. He just couldn’t. Leaving them with no explanation...that seemed easier to accomplish.

“I’m perfectly fine, Virge. I may just be tired.”

“You’re tired?” Virgil asked curiously.

Roman shrugged. “I couldn’t really sleep last night. It’s no big deal, though. We all know my thoughts tend to run wild.”

“Yes,” Janus cut in, “but you say that our presence usually helps with that.”

Logan waved a hand. “Sure, usually, but it makes sense that sometimes it won’t work. Just like you said earlier, Janus. We don’t have to scour Roman’s claims for subtext or things he is neglecting to tell us. A bad night is normal for people.”

Roman silently thanked Logan. He didn’t want to have another sudden uncontrollable urge to run to the guest bedroom. Roman almost reached for Logan’s hand, but his mind told him not to, that one day he would leave his boyfriends, so he didn’t deserve that comfort.

Roman nodded. “Yeah. My mind was just a bit more active last night. Sorry.”

Janus reached across Virgil, seeming like he wanted to touch Roman, but his hand hesitated above Virgil’s knee and fell there instead. “No, no. It’s alright, Roman. I apologize for doubting you.”

Roman shook his head. “You’re fine, J. Do you all have any other questions?”

Virgil and Janus looked at each other, clearly unsatisfied, but shook their heads to indicate a negative.

“No,” Virgil answered. “I have nothing else to ask about.”

Roman kissed his cheek and then grabbed the remote, pressing play. He leaned back into the couch. He made sure to press a lingering kiss to Logan’s jaw before watching the movie, though. He smirked when he saw Logan blush and hold a hand to cover his jawline. Roman then fully focused on the movie.

Well, fully focused wasn’t a good way to put it. He fully focused for a grand total of eighteen seconds before his mind started to yell at him again.

That whole conversation...they knew something was up. Virgil and Janus were unsatisfied with the information they received from him. He could tell there was a sneaking suspicion between them that he wasn’t telling them the whole truth, that something else was going on.

Roman didn’t like that he couldn’t tell what Logan was thinking. He figured that he, the smartest of them, knew that Roman was hiding something, but just wasn’t as determined to figure out what it was. Roman respected him for that and valued that he didn’t care to participate in the interrogations, and was very thankful that he served as comfort for that very reason.

However, Roman couldn’t take that comfort presently.

His mind was a whirlpool of anxiety, guilt, and self-hatred. He wished that with a snap of his fingers they could know and they’d accept him for his sexuality, continuing to court him. Roman knew that it was unrealistic, but he could hope.

And so, hope he did. He imagined being able to love and be with his boyfriends without any worries of rejection of who he was. He imagined telling them all the little things he’s figured out about them when he can’t sleep in the early morning hours or when he’s away from his loves and can only dream about their presence. What their voices sound like, what their eyes are to him, what color he perceived their souls to be. He couldn’t confess such romantic thoughts that make him vulnerable to the clutches of love, not when he wouldn’t have them for much longer. So he’d take it to his grave, wondering what it would have been like to be with them for the rest of his life.

His chest burned with the shame of his lies. He knew they’d break up with him eventually, and yet he continued with the falsehoods. He still lied to them, deceived them, and crafted elaborate schemes to throw them off his trail of black, gray, white, and purple. Who was he to hold on to his own selfish desires when his boyfriends would hate him for what he withheld? What kind of greedy thief? His heart was screaming: screaming at him for his lies and screaming at him to reveal the truth.

He brought his arms around his knees again, squeezing himself into the smallest ball he could muster. (He did it quietly, though, so no one would be suspicious.)

“Roman?” Logan whispered, leaning closer. “Are you alright?”

Roman easily concocted another lie. “Just a little cold.”

“While we can fix the thermostat, I find it to be quite a comfortable temperature.”

“I have a tendency to get cold when I don’t sleep well enough. You don’t have to do anything.” Something that wasn’t a lie, not really, just not relevant to his current actions and situation.

Logan nodded. “If you believe you would benefit from human warmth, I am always an option to turn to.”

Roman couldn’t help but smile. He would miss Logan’s hugs.

A life...without Logan’s hugs.

Roman shuddered.

“Would you like a blan-”

Roman shook his head immediately. “No, no, Logan. You needn’t help me.”

Roman’s wandering gaze allowed him to watch the smallest of frowns start to possess Logan’s face. This made Roman want to hug the living daylights out of him and kiss him until the frown was a smile, but he couldn’t let himself be selfish anymore.

The selfishness had to go.

And when he allowed himself to mentally let go of the selfishness in his motivations, just for the shortest of moments (because of course he couldn’t let go of it for long), he was finally able to realize the excruciating apparency that his mind and heart were also suffering from his neglection of himself. He was neglecting who he was.

And suddenly, when the selfishness came back, the desire to love and be loved, to take what he didn’t deserve nor would be allowed to have if his boyfriends knew the full truth, it wasn’t strong enough.

Look at what you’ve taken from them. You’ve lied to them. They won’t leave this situation without trust issues. They won’t want you after this. You’re a liar. An asexual liar.

You want to be loved, but do you really deserve it? When you’ll go to such immoral lengths to stay loved by those who deserve so much better?

You neglect and scorn a part of yourself because it won’t have the approval of those you love? You love them, even though they’d throw you out the second you come clean. You are so desperate, too desperate. Your asexuality is a part of you. Why do you chase after those who won’t love you once you let them pull back the curtain?

Why have you waited so long? It won’t make a difference. They’ll still see the same thing. A pleading, pitiful dog they’ll leave.

Look at all that you’ve taken from them.

They deserve better.

You’re ace, own up to it. You can’t lie to them any longer.

What happens when there isn’t a pizza delivery guy at the door?

Can you be honest then? Or are you too used to lying?

This can’t go on forever.

You’re asexual, Roman!

The levees broke, the ocean spilling out onto the surface. It ran through his body feeling like salt to an open wound, and he grabbed the TV remote. He pressed the pause button.

His boyfriends turned to face him. Roman realized he was shaking violently as though he had caught frostbite. He didn’t have the mental ability to stabilize himself, though.

“I have to tell you guys about something.” Roman was shocked to notice that his voice was hardly shaking.

Logan nodded. He put an arm around Roman, Virgil doing the same. Janus reached to put a hand on his knee. Roman shook his head, though, and tried to shake them off. They hesitantly complied, but looked very worried about doing so.

“Are you sure, Ro?” asked Virgil.

Roman nodded, pulling a hand from around his knees to repress a sob. He couldn’t cry. Not yet. “You won’t want to hold me when I’m finished, and I don’t...I don’t want to feel your arms leave me.”

“Roman,” Logan started, but stopped when Roman waved an arm at him.

“Please don’t,” he said. “Just let me tell you what I need to.”

They retreated from his trembling figure. He swallowed, letting his eyes fall shut for half a second before fixing his gaze on the television screen.

“I know you all won’t—” Roman’s voice cracked, “—want to be with me anymore after I...after I tell you this. And that’s o-...” he choked back another sob, “...okay. So, if you want me to, I will make it easier for you and say that I’m leaving.”

Roman felt everyone flinch in some form. Even when Logan had his “you all should leave me” issues, he didn’t say he was actually leaving. Roman felt his soul laugh bitterly when it registered that his loves didn’t want him to leave...not yet.

“I have lied to you,” he started, focusing on making his voice stay steady. “I have deceived you. So, so many times. I should have said something ages ago, but I didn’t...and I’m sorry for that.” Roman cursed his past self for not saying anything eight months back when he realized he was ace. “I’m sorry for everything. The constant lies, the complex and repetitive...impulsive deceptions.

“But I can’t lie anymore, and the truth is killing me.” He gasped for a breath of air. “I wish...I wish it wouldn’t have to end this way, and I wish I-” He stopped himself, not wanting to tell them he wanted them forever and make them feel guilty for leaving him. They didn’t deserve that. “I wish I talked about this with you all eight months ago when I was still figuring things out, but I-” He stopped himself again. No excuses. “I’m sorry to spring this on you, in the middle of a movie, but it’s just breaking past and I can’t keep this from you all anymore.

“I’m asexual.”

Roman inhaled sharply, feeling the need to explain himself. “Again, I’m making it easier for you and I’m...I’m leaving—” his voice broke in the middle of his last word, “—so you don’t have to leave me. And...it’s probably better this way...’cause I don’t want to hear y’all tell me you’re leaving me.” A sob slipped past his lips. “I love you all so much, I couldn’t take that. I’m fully owning up to my-, my lies and mistakes. So it’s okay. I’m leaving, so you all can be...happier. Because-, because I know you don’t want me anymore.”

There was a moment of silence. It was somewhere around a minute, but Roman lived that minute like it was a hundred hours, and it would always be the longest minute of his life.

He couldn’t help but wonder what they were thinking. They were surely realizing that all of his ‘calls from his mother’ were faked. They were angry, disappointed, hurt, and maybe even disgusted. What kind of boyfriend lies for eight months to hide information that would make his partners leave him? A bad one.

Roman no longer wanted to run to the guest room and listen to his playlist. The guest room wasn’t enough. He wanted to summon his phone, crawl underground, let the earth envelop him, and spend the rest of his days in a dirt cave trying not to think about the only three people he could fathom loving romantically for the rest of his life. He didn’t want to face them. He didn’t want to hear their anger, their hatred, their loss of love. He didn’t want to see it either. He didn’t want to see or hear—or feel, he didn’t want to experience the pain of heartbreak or never being able to feel their touch—ever again. He just wanted to love his boyfriends and be himself at the same time; he wanted the impossible. The earth swallowing him whole seemed like the best comfort for that issue.

Roman felt a head duck under his right arm, abruptly stealing him from his thoughts. His head snapped over to find that Virgil had forced himself under his arm and was now pressing himself into Roman’s side. Roman frowned in confusion, especially when his Virgil didn’t say anything after a moment of continued silence. Roman looked away, not wanting to think about the meaning behind Virgil’s actions.

He felt something shake through Virgil’s body for a short moment. It brought his gaze back on his boyfriend, eyes now tinted with worry. He wanted to ask what happened, if something was the matter, but he didn’t want to speak. He didn’t want to act like he still had any right to address him.

Virgil readjusted his position, face momentarily removed from Roman’s shirt. Roman was able to see his face and was horrified to find that he was crying. What shook him earlier must’ve been a sob. Roman wanted to lay down, pull Virgil on top of him, dry his eyes, hug the life out of him, and place kisses all over his face until he smiled or laughed. But Roman didn’t get to do that anymore. Besides, Logan was better at the hugging and comforting thing than him anyway.

Roman suddenly felt an overwhelming wave of guilt wash over him. He realized that it was his fault that Virgil was crying. Roman had made someone he loved cry. Virgil was crying—sobbing because of him. The guilt was incredible, and accompanying it was the disgust. Roman leaving them was the right thing to do. Virgil deserved a boyfriend that didn’t make him cry during movie night, who didn’t cause him to sob because Roman confessed who he was.

Roman was now twistedly satisfied with his decisions. Normally, he would never allow someone who made Virgil cry within three feet of him. Now, Roman would never be allowed to step foot into their line of sight ever again. He couldn’t hurt them anymore. This was good.

He felt Virgil’s left arm snake behind his back. Virgil’s right arm threw itself across Roman’s stomach.

Virgil was hugging him? What?

He desperately wanted to open his mouth and question Virgil’s decisions, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. It felt wrong. Roman had spoken already and knew internally that it was time for his boyfriends to speak next.

“I-I, I am so—” Virgil choked, “—sorry.”

Roman’s face fell into one of confused shock. Things weren’t right. Virgil shouldn’t be apologizing.

“We are so sorry,” Virgil rephrased, voice cracking all over the place. “I know we all are. I’m so- so sor-”

Roman expected Janus to put a hand on Virgil’s back and comfort him with a low and whispered ‘shhhh’, but nothing of that sort came. No one did anything as they let Virgil cry. Roman was too scared to comfort him, but oh how he wanted to.

“Roman,” Logan started slowly, the cracks and unsteadiness in his voice not going unnoticed by Roman, “Virgil’s sentiments echo mine. You have my deepest, most sincere apologies.”

Roman thought he couldn’t get more confused. He was wrong.

It must have shown on his face, because after Virgil glanced up at Roman for half a second, he started to talk again.

“You...you do not deserve this,” Virgil started, keeping his bloodshot eyes on Roman.

Ah, this is what it was. His partners were empathetic enough to understand that this breakup would devastate Roman and were apologizing before finalizing it. This made sense.

“And I am so, so sorry to be a cause,” Virgil said with utmost sincerity. Despite the tear tracks and puffy eyes, he kept eye contact with Roman.

A cause? How did he cause this?

“I just- I wanna know—” he removed his arm from Roman’s stomach, “—what we did...to make you think that.”

Roman’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He had no idea what Virgil was talking about. Roman’s asexuality was not caused by anything, especially not any person. He intended on clearing this up for Virgil.

However, Logan spoke instead. “What Virgil’s asking is,” started Logan with a sniff, “what could- could ever make you think th- that I, that we-”

Logan put a hand over his mouth. He couldn’t finish. Roman knew that Logan couldn’t talk and cry at the same time if he wanted to keep composure while crying, so he would stop talking when his lungs stopped supporting his vocal cords.

“What did we do to make you think that we could ever stop loving you?” Virgil completed.

That was the last thing Roman expected to hear.

Virgil was implying that he, no, that they still loved him. That wasn’t right. That wasn’t how this conversation was supposed to go. Roman suddenly felt scarily unprepared for the rest of this talk.

“V-Virgil, you don’t understand,” said Roman, looking away from Virgil’s eyes so he wouldn’t lose his nerve to speak. He spotted Virgil opening his mouth to reply, so Roman rushed to continue. “I’m not just ace, I’ve been hiding it. And I’ve been hiding it by all sorts of- of crazy deceptions. I mean—“ Roman laughed bitterly, a sound that made all of his boyfriends flinch, “—I’ve even given my mom’s ringtone the same ringtone as a sound on my phone just so I can tap it easily and get out of any vaguely sexual situation, lying that I’m on the phone with my mom and driving off to- to a hotel or something to cool down. That’s- that’s crazy high level lying right there, and all because I was too selfish and wanted to keep you all so bad that I hid something that would end us. Something that you would hate me for, and that wasn’t fair to you, to any of you, and-”

Virgil roughly grabbed Roman’s hair and pulled his lips to his. Throughout the kiss, Virgil was practically hitting his stomach as well as sobbing in a way that sounded...angry?

“Shut up, just stop talking,” Virgil mumbled against his lips, body shaking. “Please.”

Logan put a hand on Virgil’s shoulder, pushing him back. “V, let him go.”

Roman was so, so confused. His brain could only figure that Virgil had given him a kiss goodbye, a pity message of ‘this is your last one’. Roman wished he’d savored it.

“B-but Lo,” Virgil protested, trying to hang on to Roman as Logan pushed him away. Virgil stopped struggling when Janus’ arms encircled his waist from behind and held him still.

“Stop it, Virgil,” Logan commanded quietly, as calm as he could manage. “Look at him. You really think we should be kissing him right now?”

Roman couldn’t stop the whimper that escaped his lips. He covered his mouth with his hand as soon as he heard it. Logan was erasing his confusion. They were breaking up with him.

“I apologize again, Roman, that is not how I meant it,” said Logan, removing his attention from Virgil. Roman could tell he was doing everything to seem and sound composed. “I simply didn’t want him to overwhelm or confuse you. Virgil should have asked, or withheld, considering your current fragility.”

Roman could not believe this. A part of him was starting to become angry. One second, he has everything straight, and then someone talks, and he’s confused again. He wanted to know what was going on.

“He’s angry though, Roman,” Logan continued, explaining Virgil’s actions. “I can’t blame him for that. He just loves you so much...he couldn’t hear that talk from you. He wanted those thoughts and assumptions to stop, but he should have asked. I believe that after he composes himself, he will be sorry.”

Virgil gave a dissatisfied moan but didn’t argue.

“On the topic of your hesitancy to come out...” Logan started, putting a hand to his chin.

“I was lying, Logan, you don’t need to sugarcoat it. I’m sorry for it, I really am, please believe me. I don’t like-, no, I hate lying to you all, it sucks and it hurts and I knew I was a terrible boyfriend every time I lied...but I was just so selfish and wanted you all to stay with me but...but that’s not possible. I should have realized that earlier, that I would have to say something eventually, and that waiting would only make the confession hurt more.”

Roman eyed Virgil to see his reaction, worried that he would be angry at him again. He found no arms holding Virgil back, which made him quite anxious.

Suddenly, he felt two hands touch his knees. His gaze shot over to see what was in front of him.

And Janus, who hadn’t spoken during this entire conversation, was kneeling at Roman’s feet, gazing into his eyes with the most confusing look Roman had seen. It was gentle, sympathetic, loving, understanding, all while looking like a guilty man about to beg before a court of law. It should have been unadulterated hatred.

“Roman,” said Janus softly, lovingly. His thumbs traced a circle on the sides of his knees. “I don’t have to look outside to see the Sun. You shine brighter than any elemental concoction that could light up the sky, and unlike the one we have in our solar system, you do not burn us with ultraviolet rays. You shroud us in love, beauty, and so much color: things that I thought I had seen before but never really experienced.

“I do not need your body in the early hours of the morning to love you. I do not need your sexuality to revel in your presence. We do not want you for your body, for what you can give us. We want you for who you are, because we think that this wonderful personality you have is the most beautiful of all creations. Sex...is minuscule, unnecessary, and separate from romance entirely. You really think I care about sex, something so insignificant, so much as to break up with you? No. I want you for your love, and I want you to be loved by me. By us. I don’t understand how you thought that your lack of desire for sex would make me not want you anymore, but that doesn’t-”

“Why else would I-”

A hand left Roman’s knee and pressed against his lips, quieting him. “Don’t do that, my songbird, don’t think like that. I just explained why. Your smile, your interests, your cuteness, your kindness, your stupid bravery, and I could go on forever. Your everything. We love you for who you are, not for what you could give us sexually. Therefore, we will still want you with your asexuality. Roman, you are one of my three favorite people in existence, and since your asexuality is a part of you, I love it too.”

Roman put a hand in front of his mouth, feeling tears starting to come. He couldn’t cry, though, not when Janus was looking at him like that. So lovingly, and gently, and so, so sincere.

“I have to repeat the words of our partners and say that I am sorry. I am sorry that we gave off the impression that if you told us you were asexual, we wouldn’t want you anymore. I am disappointed, so disappointed in myself that after nine months of love, you still thought that this could make me fall out of love with you. I was able to make you think that I would hate you, that I, your boyfriend, wasn’t a safe person to come to.” A tear slid down Janus’s face. “I am sorry. No words that exist can fully deliver to you how sorry I am. Because darling, you looked so scared. Of me, of us. I’m sorry for that.”

“It’s not your-”

Janus’s finger moved back in front of Roman’s lips.

“Onto what you were saying...about your hesitancy to come out.”

“Don’t sugarcoat it like Logan did.”

“I’m not. That’s what it was. That’s exactly what it was.” He took a deep breath. “I lie. A lot. I’m a compulsive liar. I have been working on that since our relationship began, using methods like obvious backwards speak to satiate my desire to twist the truth. This means that I know what lying is.

“You should not confuse lying with being in the closet. They are not the same. We do not want you to think that you not being ready to come out is the same thing as lying or being deceitful. Those words come with an underlying twinge of malice—something that is not at all to be associated with being in the closet. You not being ready to come out is fine. It’s not something you need to apologize for. The last thing we want to do is push you to tell us something close to your heart. Coming out is not a responsibility. A lack of readiness is fine and normal. We’ve all been in the closet too, so we all have experience with hiding who we are to people we love. My concealing of my homosexuality early on in my life was the only part of my long career of hiding the truth that I know had no moral wrongness in it.

“I will go a step further than rationalize your hesitancy to come out. I am glad that those ‘deceptions’ happened.”

Roman couldn’t help but widen his eyes a bit. His jaw dropped an inch, but he closed it when he remembered Janus’s finger resting on his lips. Janus’s finger drew back anyway, almost like he forgot it was still there. It went back to Roman’s knee and Janus’s thumbs resumed their activity of tracing circles onto the sides of Roman’s knees.

“I shudder to think about what would’ve happened without them. If you hadn’t set your phone to easily play your mother’s ringtone...is that why you looked so terrified earlier? Didn’t you leave your phone in the guest room?”

Roman nodded.

“Right. I am so glad that you had these escapes on-hand. I do hope you understand that you don’t owe us sex-”

“God, no.”

“Good. Nevertheless, I am so thankful that you had these outs. I wouldn’t want you to feel forced to come out when you are not ready to do so, either. So, I am glad you have made use of your clever mind to keep yourself safe.

“Those ‘deceptions’, as you call them, are none of the sort, honey; they are tools. Protections. Things that kept you safe and comfortable. I am even happier that you no longer have to use them. What I am trying to tell you is, you should not apologize for them. Virgil, Logan, and I?” He gestured to their boyfriends which were now cuddling while crying and listening in. “I’m sure they are thankful as well.

“I want to apologize for tonight, too. I pushed you a bit far earlier, before we got pizza, and was unable to notice your discomfort. I know that I wasn’t aware of your asexuality at the time, but I still feel very guilty for engaging in such an intimate activity that you were uncomfortable with. And, I know I get clingy after I kiss one of you, especially if we get interrupted by a third party. I was a bit sensitive about your refusal of my presence when I should have respected and not have come close to questioning your desire for space.” Janus looked very ashamed, and to Roman, it was quite painful.

“No, no, J. That habit is a piece of vulnerable knowledge we’re lucky to have about you. I should have at least explained I was in need of space, but I also didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Either way, don’t apologize. You didn’t know.” Roman gave his love a comforting smile, hand raising to touch his cheek but lowering out of hesitance. He still couldn’t believe Janus wanted him.

“Please touch me,” he whispered, watching Roman’s hand go with longing.

Roman complied, almost immediately running his fingers over Janus’ features. Janus was a work of art, and Roman intended to admire him as such.

Apparently, that sentiment showed in his eyes, because Janus’s cheeks flushed and he glanced down. Roman was able to catch the faintest of smiles before his lovely boyfriend’s face was shrouded from view.

“No, hey, let me look at you,” Roman muttered in protest, trying to push up Janus’ head so he could see his face again.

Janus slowly complied, blushing up a storm. “See what I mean?” Janus whispered, definitely surprised about his composure while being the focus of the most admiring gaze. “You treat me like I am some...work of art—something I am at a loss to find the reasoning for. You think we only want you if we can have sex with you? When you treat us like this?”

In order to repress his growing blush, Roman answered the rhetorical question. “I am not treating you like you are a work of art. I am admiring you because you are a work of art.”

“Thank you for strengthening my arguments,” responded Janus, definitely not looking like a tomato in any shape or form. Nope. “I hope I have properly demonstrated that we love you, all through this, and we still want you.”

Roman didn’t know if he could respond to that. He just bit his lip and ran his hand through Janus’s hair. When he finished admiring Janus’s brown curls, he returned his hand to Janus’s cheek.

Janus slowly removed Roman’s hand from his cheek. He kissed the top of it, lips lingering on his skin longer than any normal hand kiss. He slowly turned his head back up to face Roman after the kiss.

“Thank you for hearing me out, my prince.” He nodded his head in respect.

A moment of silence occurred—almost awkward, but Roman was too elated to notice whether it truly was awkward or not. He then frowned. “You’re still on your knees.”

“I am on my knees because I have had to apologize to you twice tonight. A sign of respect while doing so, isn’t it?”

Roman shook his head. Roman being known as the dramatic one of the relationship, it was easy to forget just how dramatic Janus could be. “I forgive your unnecessary apologies on one condition,” said Roman, with a glint of playfulness in his eyes that he hoped was communicated to Janus.

Janus’s posture straightened. This made Roman realize that Janus’s symbolism intended with being on his knees was sincere and not just for the dramatic touch. “Yes?” questioned Janus, a pure expression of hopefulness betraying his desire to look formal and composed.

“Cuddle me.”

Janus’s face broke out into the happiest of grins. He got up and sat where Logan used to be sitting (but who was now in Janus’s old spot, cuddling Virgil), and opened his arms. Roman fell into them, tangling himself with Janus as much as he could, wanting to be as close as possible. Janus reciprocated such actions and made a noise of contentment. He was finally getting the close proximity he had been desiring from Roman for the past hour.

Virgil and Logan scooted over to them.

Virgil cupped Roman’s face. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

Roman leaned forward and planted a quick kiss on his lips. “I forgive you.”

“I am glad Janus was able to convince you, Roman,” said Logan. “I fear Virgil and I were too...upset.”

“I am so lucky you all love me so much,” Roman replied, holding out a hand for Logan to take. “For you all to express such love and sadness for me...it is unimaginable. I didn’t realize just how loved I am. But...please trust me when I say I reciprocate every ounce.”

“We know you do,” Virgil replied, snuggling into Roman’s stomach and making the mess on the couch a proper cuddle pile. “We love you so much.”

“I love youuuuuu,” said Roman in response, resting a hand in Virgil’s hair that he intended to keep there as long as possible, and holding Logan’s hand with his free hand. He turned his head to kiss Janus’s lips.

This kiss felt much more real and genuine. He no longer had any lingering anxieties relating to where a lengthy kiss could be heading.

It was the best kiss he’d had.

“That felt different,” murmured Janus after they parted. “You feel-”

“No more anxiety.”

“It’s wonderful.”

Roman smiled against his lips, slowly retracting them. He pulled Virgil up to kiss him like he did Janus, and then the same with Logan.

When his lips parted from Logan’s, completing one of the three best kisses of his life, his head flopped gracelessly onto Janus’s chest. He grinned up at him.

“You look like pure ecstasy, darling,” Janus observed, brushing a hand through Roman’s hair.

“I am,” answered Roman.

They loved him. They knew who he was and loved him. He confessed his lies and- no, he confessed his hesitancy to come out and what he did to hide his asexuality, and they weren’t angry. They were supportive. They were thankful.

Virgil was upset because he was appalled that he could’ve made Roman think he could ever fall out of love with him and because he heard Roman talk so horribly about himself. Logan was sad for similar reasons. Janus was sorry, so incredibly sorry, but things were better now. They were in love, and nothing was hidden anymore.

Virgil loved him. Logan loved him. Janus loved him.

Roman was asexual, and that was okay.

“Are you okay, honey? You’re crying,” asked Janus in worry, wiping a tear from under Roman’s eye.

Roman was surprised at this news. “I’m so lucky you all still love me,” he explained.

“No, you’re not,” Logan objected, drawing Roman’s gaze to his. “We obviously still love you. It is the four of us who are fortunate to have found such incredible love in each other.”

“You’re so fucking sappy, L,” Virgil remarked, pressing a kiss to his nose.

Logan whined in protest. “I detest that statement.”

“Virgil has a point, sugar. You’re a lovebug,” Janus agreed.

Logan shook his head. “No. No, you’re wrong. This is insulting, especially considering my reputation.”

“Your reputation doesn’t mean shit in this apartment,” said Roman lovingly, kissing Logan’s forehead. “We all know who you really are.”

“Doesn’t mean you get to tease me about it.”

“What are you talking about?” Janus asked innocently. “That’s precisely what it means.”

Logan groaned and buried his red face into Virgil’s chest. The rest laughed.

The movie was completely forgotten.

Taglist: @somehow-i-got-an-account @justanotherhumanstuff @neo-neo-neo @fander-fic-recs

This is the longest prompt I have filled. Period. I’m almost sorry for that, but this is one of my favorite ships and writing this was so fun! I hope you liked it!

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ready-to-obeyme · 4 years ago

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[OM!] Relationship Alphabet (Lucifer/Reader)

Relationship Alphabet

I feel like I went a little overboard with this (it’s 7 pages) and all the hc’s, but let’s just say this is my official love letter to Luci and leave it at that.

Lucifer

A- Activity (What is their favorite activity to do with you.)

Slow dancing with you-- in the dark, in front of the fireplace, during the rain; just a quiet moment together.

I already HC’d that he knows all types of dances, so he’ll sweep you up on your feet with waltzes and ballroom dances and make you swoon into his arms with tangos and salsas. But sometimes the best part of dancing is holding you close to his chest and just being with you. I believe with all my heart that Lucifer is a man who’s softly in love, and being able to share his favorite past time with you is one of his best ways to show you he loves you.

B- Beginnings (How do they act in the beginning of a relationship)

Considering the fact that you’re a human surrounded by demons, Lucifer would act very protective of you in the beginning of your relationship-- even more so because the last thing he would ever want is for you to get hurt. He takes full responsibility for your physical well-being, though that does get overbearing until you tell him to lay it off and assure him that you’ll take precautions. He’s gone through many hardships to protect the people he loves, and you are no different.

He’d be more hesitant with public displays of affection, though that’s not to say he’s not affectionate towards you at all. Instead, his love is shown through lingering touches and lingering gazes-- and he makes up for any lost touches by showering you with love in private quarters. He just needs to get used to being in a relationship-- and being in love: shifting his priorities to other things besides his responsibilities for others and onto growing and finally doing something that was inherently just for himself.

C- Communication (Are they good communicators? How do they normally talk about their problems or solve issues)

Ummm HAHAHA

Communication has always been hard for Lucifer. Perhaps not as much when he was still an archangel, but it definitely started when he started going against his Father’s wishes, if anywhere. (I mean, holding in his resentment and anger is what created Satan, so…) His responsibility as the eldest brother, the one who led his brothers to their literal downfall, and his vow to serve Diavolo all contributed to Lucifer’s incapability to voice his concerns to his brothers. When you came down to Devildom, you quite literally forced him to communicate, realizing that he had his family-- and you-- who were there for him no matter what. It’s a work in progress, but Lucifer finds himself being able to confide in you for things he normally would have kept to himself, including your input in decisions, especially if those decisions involve you.

D- Drunk (What are they like when they’re drunk)

Much more relaxed than he would be sober-- which makes sense since alcohol does take away your inhibitions. As a result, he relaxes and is actually quite talkative, his words less controlled, more free and flowing. The type to whisper more “I love you’s” and other words of affection toward you when drunk, which is something he trusts you to keep a secret between you and him. Only you get to see this softer side of him!

E- Emergency (How are they in emergency situations? You get hurt, they get hurt, someone is dying etc..)

Lucifer tries to make sure that you’re okay and that everything is resolved. Calm on the outside but his mind is racing-- especially when someone he cares for is hurt. Acts very composed most of the time.

If you somehow get hurt, he's downright ruthless. How dare they lay a finger on you? They'll regret their mistake for the rest of their life if he can help it.

He's cold and calculative if he needs to be, almost extremely so in emergency situations that are dire, but that may just be a defense mechanism because he feels so strongly about protecting those he loves and prides himself in being reliable and efficient. Reacts quickly and makes decisions without hesitation, sometimes even disregarding his own feelings in the moment.

F- Free Spot (I’ll give you any headcanon I come up with)

Giving up control is the ultimate sign that Lucifer loves you and that he trusts you. (cough sub!Lucifer)

Lovely tenor voice that should be put to use more often!! (in more ways than one 😌)

The type of person who pretends to not be ticklish, but is actually pretty ticklish. He just acts nonchalant long enough for other people to drop it (but you know better)

On the sleepy mornings you call him your morningstar, his heart does a flip and he just looks at you lovingly

G- Gifts (What kind of gifts do they give? What kind of gifts do they get?)

Lucifer gets you gifts whenever he sees something that he think you’d like or gifts that-- when you go out shopping together-- catches your eyes. It always ends up little trinkets-- you wouldn’t know how to react otherwise if he consistently bought you bigger, more expensive gifts otherwise. He’s more subtle with his gifts, preferring to learn what you like and provide you with things. Definitely has Acts of Services and Quality Time as his top love languages.

Appreciates any gift of yours because it shows you were thinking of him in parts of your daily life. Makes him very soft tbh, knowing that he’s in your thoughts.

H- Hugs (How do they show affection/cuddle)

More of a private person for affection, but loves to cuddle when he has the chance-- or rather, when you manage to convince him to take a break. Adores being big spoon, slightly unused to being small spoon and stubbornly refuses to admit that he absolutely melts under your ministrations. The man’s not used to being adored-- idolized and respected, yes-- but the way you love him makes him feel like things will be okay.

I- Irritation (What is something that irritates them? How do they show their irritation?)

Lucifer absolutely abhors seeing unfinished work on his desk, which is why he spends countless nights trying to complete it all and also why he's so annoyed at his brothers for being loud and disruptive. He's trying to work here! (If he was a gamer, he'd definitely be a completionist. The achievement compels him.) And like in-game, has no hesitation to tell his brothers to be quiet or get tied upside down, and the threat usually works because he always follows through.

If you make him irritated for some reason, I don't think Lucifer would hesitate to ask you to stop. He doesn't really want to be mad at you, and he trusts you to understand his plight as much as you know he'd do his best to be considerate of your feelings.

J- Jackpot (How would they spend their winnings if they won the lottery?)

FINALLY paying off Mammon’s debts… at a price that Mammon will pay for the rest of his life. (rip Mammon)

Would also like to take you on a trip somewhere together. Depending on whether you want to go to a particular place or not, you can decide the destination. If you have no preference, he’d honestly just pick a quiet place to be, perhaps near the sea, so the both of you can relax in each others’ presence. He's the type to be okay staying in bed with you the entire week, but if you want to explore or sightsee, he'll research for places with you.

K- Kryptonite (What is their ultimate weakness?)

Online shopping--

Family has always been his kryptonite. He’s willing to give up his pride-- as an Archangel and as the right hand man of Diavolo-- for his brothers: both when he declared war on the Celestial Realm for Lilith and when he lied to Diavolo about Belphie’s dissent. Now that he considers you family, there is very little he would do to make you happy.

L- Laughter (What makes them laugh?)

I actually don't think it's hard to make him laugh. A lot of your antics with Levi and Mammon are actually really amusing-- until they affect his work. But I think the man finds amusement in a lot of his daily life, considering how spontaneous Diavolo and Barbatos are. Lucifer is always naturally soft for his brothers, so just any good times with them (without trouble) is bound to make him throw his head and laugh. He always has a good time teasing his brothers when he can and seeing you interact with them.

Also, the audacity of some lower class demons that try to challenge him or hurt you makes him laugh too. Just not in a joyous way. Definitely has the fake, sadistic laughter before he maims someone.

M- Morning ( How do they wake up in the morning? Are they a morning person or a morning grouch?)

“Good morning. *yawns* Sorry, I’m not much of a morning demon.”

A grouch. A complete and total sleepy head. Constantly pulls all-nighters and conks out when he gets to bed and struggles really badly to get himself out of it. Lucifer has to really push himself to get out of the covers some days. And when you're in bed with him, even WORSE. Cuddles you till the last possible minute-- but he would never actually let the two of you be late for anything. It's kinda cute how not of a morning person he is.

Make a cup of coffee for him in the morning and he'll groggily wake up and try to convince you to come back to bed with him.

N- Needy (When do they feel particularly needy? How do they show it?)

"I would like to be able to talk to you more. Is that selfish of me?"

Lucifer doesn't always request for your affection or time, but when he does it blows you out of the water every time. When he feels needy varies. Sometimes it just hits him in the middle of the day when he's doing work or when he feels like he hasn't had a lot of time to be with you lately. He doesn't make it a habit of needing you, but he becomes more explicit when he does want you, though he's not really specific on how he wants you most of the time.

He probably calls you out of the blue sometimes just to ask you how your day was so he can hear your voice. If you're in the room with him while he's working, he might tell you to come here and you would just let him quietly hug your torso-- but please do sweep your hand through his hand during this time.

For sexual needs, on the other hand, he's pretty straightforward because at the end of the day, he's still a smooth talker when he knows what he wants. Especially if you're shy about it, he'll be even more inclined to be honest about his desire, teasing you and luring you in.

O- Oasis (Where is their happy place? Where would they go if they didn’t have anything holding them back?)

The human realm.

I think loving you is the most selfish thing he could do because it is one of the only things he has done just for himself. If Lucifer were to truly decide something for himself without having to think about the wellbeing of others, he would choose to live in the human realm with you.

P- Pain (How do they handle pain? How do they handle when you are in pain?)

You know those typical anime protagonists that get hurt, pretend to be okay until everyone is safe, and people only find out they're hurt when they collapse?

Yeah, that's Lucifer. Dramatic and prideful af

He used to handle pain on his own until he had you to confide in and convince him to talk to others for help.

When you're in pain, depending on the severity, would find the solution to your pain or try ways to alleviate it. If you had a physical injury, would lowkey fuss over you and make sure you're cared for and have everything you need. If it's something serious, Lucifer does his best to show that everything is alright, though you know he's worried beyond comfort.

Q- Quote (What’s a quote that fits them and your relationship)

“I will love you until the stars go out and the tides no longer turn.”

“Let us flip the coin and see. Head, I am yours. Tail, you are mine. So, we won’t lose.”

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride.” - Pablo Neruda

R- Reunion (How do they celebrate seeing you after a long time of being apart)

With horny juice

jk love the new chapters <333

Lucifer tries not to monopolize your time at first, because he knows how much his brothers missed you as well. But, god, he'd pine over you the entire day if he could, shooting you glances and turning back, smiling and just overall generally happy that he can see you face to face.

He's missed you so much and he's just glad you're back with them, and he's confident in your relationship with him to know that he'll have his time eventually. It's that or he'll sweep you away from the brothers at night if they keep on hogging your attention.

S- Stress (What stresses them out? How do deal with stress and how do they relieve it?)

Watching his brothers get into trouble is the best way to get his blood pressure rising. He usually deals with it by yelling at them even as he deals with it. (The man needs a break.)

Most of the time, Lucifer is pretty composed. He lives under a state of stress all the time considering the workload he always has, so it's not that big of a deal for him.

T- Terror (What are they afraid of?)

Lucifer's worst fear is to have you become afraid of him. The last thing he would ever want is to do is something that scares you, so he controls himself as best as he can (considering he hasn't done the best at that before). He becomes more aware of his anger and aggression when in front of you, and is keen on absolutely never showing aggression towards you again. There shouldn't be anything the two of you can't talk through anymore and he wants to keep it that way.

I don't think he can imagine anything worse than to reach out to you only to have you flinch back and cower because you're afraid he'll do something to you. It honestly would break his heart.

U- Unique (What is a quirk that is unique to them?)

As an archangel-- a seraph, Lucifer had three sets of wings, which was reduced to two, perhaps due to Satan's birth or perhaps due to his falling. Regardless, his demon form, reminiscent of his Celestial Realm days, on better days, reminds him that he is powerful-- though it pains him still. On the worst days, he hates who he has become. Not to say he regrets falling, giving up his life in the Celestial Realm for his family or fighting for what he believes in, but his demon form reminds him of what he has lost and how he has failed.

You adore his demon form, despite it all, or perhaps you love his form regardless because it represents his love for family, his loyalty, his dedication to something-- or someone. He will never admit it, but having you run your hands through his wings or brush your hand against his horns lovingly is something that makes him fall apart in your arms, on his most vulnerable days. He may have become a demon, but your hands make him feel like that doesn't matter as much. Makes him feel personally invested to see that the three realms are united, if it means he can be with you.

In short, Lucifer is unused to body worship, especially in his demon form but you help him remember to love himself.

V- Violence (Do they fight a lot? Are they a good fighter? What is their fighting style?)

Your man's not eldest brother and Avatar of Pride for nothin', baby.

Probably hasn't fought as much since the end of the Celestial War, but he still knows how to very well. His style of fighting is lethal and quick, much like how he thinks. Fighting is just the means to an end, whether it's for something he believes in or to dish out punishment. Though, it depends on his opponent-- Lucifer can definitely toy with someone he thinks is beneath him, probably a lower class demon who thinks he's hot shit. He is, afterall, still sadistic.

W- Wow (What do you do that really surprises them? What do you do that they really like?)

Lucifer is surprised at the easy affection you provide him. It just seems to come naturally for you to lace your fingers with his on the way back to the House of Lamentation or wrap your arms around him and perch your head on his shoulders as he works. He gets an odd feeling in his chest every time you trace lines onto his back when your in bed together or when you play with his fingers like they're something to be admired. He basks in the way you love him-- like it's simple and easy. He craves your touch, even if he doesn't realize it himself.

What surprises him, and also lowkey scares him, is how surprisingly confrontational you can be when it matters. How brave you are, standing up for or against someone else, even if that someone else was him. It's something that he admires in you, though it worries him nonetheless-- so he'll be there to back you up if you ever need it in the future. His little firecracker.

X- (Explicit headcanon. For all you degenerates)

(///∇///) nsfw

Prefers masturbating in the shower, hand against the wall as the water cascades down his body. Cleaner that way, and if he moans, there's less chance someone will overhear him.

Loves to have and see you fall apart under his touch: Edging, overstimulation, hearing you beg and call his name (his sadistic side really showing though rn), watching you as you orgasm. Lucifer can be rough for sure but what he really wants you to do is tell him what you want so he can do it even better. Kind of smug of his skills tbh LOVES seeing you blush.

On the other hand, a gentle and sensual lover who gives. Also enjoys receiving, burying his hand into your hair as you give him a blowjob. And maybe if you like it, he’ll pull on your hair too.

Y- Yucky (Is there something that grosses them out so badly that they can’t deal with it?)

I don't know why but I feel like Lucifer absolutely hates moldy food in the fridge. shdjskdksksk It would never happen with Beel around, but something about the texture, look, color unsettles him. There's no mess he can't clean or deal with, but he does make a face at it. Honestly, his brothers make such a mess everyday and he's seen so much bloodshed that is there really anything he's fazed by?

Z- ZZZ’s (What are their sleeping habits? Both with and without you)

Sleep is for the weak.

Can go days without sleeping the mad lad, and he often has to with his workload. When Lucifer does sleep, he sleeps like the dead. Not to say he doesn't move when he sleeps, because he does shift and use the entirety of his bed, but because very little can wake him up if he's truly tired. Belphie probably gets it from him tbh

When you're in his life, his sleep schedule becomes more of a regular thing, mainly because it's hard for him to resist you when you ask him to come to bed to you. Falls asleep cuddling you and wakes up with you in his arms. If you manage to roll away in your sleep, he eventually finds a way to snake his arms around your waist.

If you ever mention this to him, he might actually get embarrassed because he's not exactly in control of what he does when he's asleep-- and the fact he seeks you out when unconscious is very telling. Don't tease him too much or he'll never stop tickling you.

#obey me lucifer #obey me! lucifer #shall we date? obey me!#obey me headcanons #relationship alphabet #obey me!#aaaaaaaaaaaaa #(///∇///)

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aegonbeingfakeisracist · 4 years ago

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Last thing, and then I'll leave you alone! Lol. I was wondering what your opinion was on Jon being TPTWP. I feel like GRRM is definitely setting it up that way, but I really hate it, because it almost makes it seem like Rhaegar's actions were justified. Like yeah, his wife and children were brutally murdered, but he had to do it, because his child with Lyanna really was that important. It almost feels like a slap in the face to Elia, Rhaenys, and Aegon to me, but maybe I'm overreacting.

I’m going to answer this one before your first ask, too. 😂 I agree. I think the deal with that is that there are many interpretations, different characters that fit the role, and no one prince that was promised going to save the world. Which is good, because Jon being the “real” prince that was promised would tacitly condone Rhaegar’s actions, and I completely resent the idea that Rhaegar will, in any way, be justified or vindicated. There’s no way to do that without sweeping important details under the rug - namely, details like the human cost of his actions.

If you forget that Rhaenys Targaryen lived, you’ve lost the plot. Martin has brought up Rhaenys in every book. He consistently reminds us that she lived, and she mattered, and she deserves to be mourned. When persuading Arys Oakheart to join her cause, Arianne Martell is generally more gentle than harsh with her arguments, but she refuses to soften the blow when reminding him that he served monsters and that Robert Baratheon climbed to his throne over the corpses of children. Rhaenys Targaryen mattered, and pretending she didn’t by justifying Rhaegar’s reckless endangerment is infuriating.

It’s the same reason I loathe the idea of Jon having a “secret Targaryen name” or ever embracing the idea of being a Targaryen in any way, shape, or form. Jon feels guilty about coveting Winterfell and being jealous of his dead brother. How is he supposed to feel knowing his half siblings were murdered so he could live? That’s the sticking point that makes Jon so frustrating for me. As a character, he’s fine. I think he’s well written and believable. It’s fun to watch him succeed and fail and struggle. But then I contextualize him, and that always involves going back to the idea that Rhaenys died as a child and he’ll be resurrected by magic because ~reasons. Rhaenys never got the chance to be a hero, and Aegon will die, but Jon’s so so special that he’s the one that gets to fulfil this grand destiny. It’s gross. And really annoying.

Rhaenys never got the chance to live. She never got the chance to be a hero or a villain or anything because she was murdered at an age where little Jon was just being a kid. She never got to be the chance to be a full person with a life - just a little girl that died a hostage. And no one ever brought her back. Other people have brought this up before - @tweedstoat, maybe? Or @riana-one? I’m not sure - but it’s really, really gross how the cautionary tale of little murdered Rhaenys is used in Ned’s story. Her murder gives him reason to hide Jon’s parentage. He remembers her, barefoot and in her nightgown, and thinks that he can’t let Robert kill Dany like that. But Robert didn’t have to express any regret or punish Tywin or anything for Ned to reconcile with him, while he resigns as Hand when Dany is in danger. When Robert is lying near death and expressing his regrets, serving as a reminder of why Ned loved him in the first place, it’s about Dany. Rhaenys doesn’t merit a mention. It is not fair for that to apply in broader terms.

I have part of a fic draft going where baby Rhaenys was a skinchanger, and she skinchanged first into Balerion, then into other human characters, as something of a ghost haunting the Red Keep. It’s only semiconscious, and she doesn’t have full control over it, and it’s all representative of how she had so much potential, but died before she could learn and grow and all of that. The reason I initially became interested in that idea is the reaction that people had when people suggested that Rhaenys could have been in any way “special”, even jokingly, was just so vitriolic. They think it’s more plausible that Aerys was the one to skinchange into Balerion, even though we’re talking about Rhaenys’s cat. And I’m just super over the idea that Rhaenys has to be “ordinary”, and that Rhaegar wasn’t wrong about the grand destinies, just that Rhaenys and Aegon had no role in them. I’m in favour of Rhaenys getting all the cool powers now.

#hchollym #replies

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toadznfrogz · 3 years ago

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freshman year has been hard

I have been leading my life with a negative outlook and it reflects in the way my life has been. I can’t spread feel like the world is against me and expect for everything to just fall into place. I feel resentment for not having a perfect life here. I feel like everyone else has a perfect life and I am the only one getting left behind. I feel like I am not experiencing college how I am meant to. These are supposed to be the greatest years of my life and the past year has been very disappointing. I haven’t lived the college experience. I don’t feel like I have grown as a person. And these are to my own fault, I need a wake up call but I also need to practice self compassion. I have so much stress around “wasted time” and so I forgive myself for stumbling through freshman year. I forgive myself for not having it all figured out. I forgive myself for making mistakes and still being here. I am grateful that I at least kept my scholarships and stayed enrolled. If that is all I was capable of doing, then I should at least be proud because that is something not a lot of people get to say. I have changed. I went from being someone that would refuse to say or think negative things to someone who has spewed hatred on the regular. Regret serves me no purpose but to make me hurt more so instead I will accept that I changed for the worse and instead work of fixing it. On changing for the better. Sometimes it is one step forward two steps back. I am struggling to figure things out on my own and I can’t expect myself to do it flawlessly on the first try. While it is the end of the year and people are going to their hometowns in a couple of weeks, I feel a renewed sense of purpose. I am here to have a positive experience. Not everyone is a bitch or is stuck up. There are people here for me, it is just a matter of finding them and sticking with them through my college journey. I want to transform myself. I am unhappy with who I am in this moment and I need to start taking actions to change it instead of letting it pass me by. I experienced negative things and those negative things made me a hateful person, but I want to change. I want to find the beauty in the small things like I used to. I want to reclaim my happiness. I have been miserable for so long and I just want my joy back. I am tired of being miserable and unhappy. It is time for me to let go of the things that do not serve me. And while I am still unsure of exactly what doesn’t serve me anymore, I know that self-hatred doesn’t serve me, having a bad attitude doesn’t serve me. I need to be grateful for where I am and how far I have come. I need to start taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I shouldn’t be annoyed by those who are better, I should look up to them and aspire to be more like them. I want better for myself. I have a month left of my freshman year and while I am very excited for it to be over, I have a lot of work to do next year in making my life of my dreams a reality. This next month is going to be hard, finals are going to be hard, I am going to have to put in hard work in order to get the grades that I want, but it will be worth it in the end. Next semester is going to be much better. I know it.

#college #college struggles #freshman #findingyourself #misfit #lonely #unhappy #finding happiness #freshman year #college is hard #personal growth #personal journey #growth #growing up #feeling lost

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lunarpleurodon · 3 years ago

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three months, going strong

It wasn’t as sudden as it felt at the time Someone else poked me in the back about it-- Frequently-- I withstood it

I’m becoming a new person I already recognise the change I’m taking It’s weird to think about the bubbly, try-hard kinda girl I was Minutes before it happened

And it’s weirder to think that you’ll never know this version of me Well, that’s how it goes If I talked to that girl The day before it happened,

I wonder what she would say You know, she very strongly believed in those people with all of her body, so, She probably wouldn’t believe me To be honest, I kind of don’t believe it myself

Every time I picture the memory in my head, It feels like a dream I’ve mistaken for reality That I’m still waiting to wake up from Part of me keeps hoping it is

Yeah, Of course she wouldn’t believe me But then again, when she came home afterwards, Seething with rage and biting it back for a later date,

I wouldn’t laugh I wouldn’t say ‘I told you so’ I wouldn’t say ‘serves you right’ I wouldn’t call her an idiot

I wouldn’t say any of those things, because I’m nothing like my mom

She’s not a little kid anymore She’s not some helpless child who needs consoling No, she’s one of the big kids now, And big girls don’t cry

Both of us know that very well

I’d say I’m sorry though I’d say I’m really sorry I bet she’d be really beat up about it I mean, I sure am

「Still angry about it four weeks later, I kick the tricycle with all I’ve got」

I know he’ll never be late on you I know he’ll never keep you waiting Because unlike me, You guys learned to drive

You just pick each other up whenever’s convenient

Nobody has to wait Nobody has to plan accordingly to a half-reliable bus system Nobody has to wait around because they got there early Nobody has to watch as the time we agreed to meet ticks away Nobody has to make twenty-four phone calls Nobody has to listen to twenty-four automated answering machines No, you

Pick each other up

「I’m really torn up about it, actually」

I wish you were listening to the same songs I am But you’re not I know you’re not Well, that’s okay, because

That moral high ground I’ve been standing on Has been very kind to me, I think I’ve come to like it a lot The view from the summit Makes me feel like a real adult

You always dated all my friends I think I hate you for that

「I resent you for having each other」

Because you know, Back in high school, if I talked about the party I went to, The hookups I had, The tongues I chewed on,

You always had something to say

But when you talked, in detail, excitedly, to me, who wanted to hear it, About the gross shit you did with your boyfriend, I was entertained I was invested in that, because it was you

Because it was you guys And I called you my friends

So when I look at it now And realise that those spiteful pangs of animosity Weren’t mutual, never were, Makes me remember how childish you always were

“I mean, she just came off as some annoying, boring, weird little girl.”

(See above.)

Well, either way, I’m pretty tired of that ‘Bigger Person’ persona Because to pretend I wouldn’t put my cigarette out On that stupid fucking baby-fat face of yours, Then set your cute little catholic haircut on fire

Would be another year of me pretending I didn’t feel a thing at all

Yeah, I wish I could be as childish as that I wish I had the kind of freedom to do something so irrational Then cry about it on someone else’s shoulder in the back of their car I resent you for having each other.

As if I had a say in it at all, I really regret the things you guys did to me You treated me badly Do you think I'd be okay like that?

‘Good for you’ doesn’t cut it, I want him to hurt you to the point That you turn into another one of those nameless, forgettable exes Who talks enough shit about him that any level of truth to your stories Doesn’t really matter at all

I even kind of want you to come crawling back to me Just so I can kick the dirt you left me to stand in Right in your face And continue laughing from the summit

The view’s quite nice up here

「Trying not to let my light go out」

“That’s such a fucked up way to play with your friends,” That girl said, with me drunk in the seat next to hir, on a long drive back to my house “Making an entire account for the sole purpose of making fun of you? What kind of friend does that?”

“Yeah,” I said, “I was thinking that back then too.”

…Why was it always me?

Kid, I didn’t listen I’m sorry He didn’t deserve to be treated with such kindness The urge you felt to rip his tongue out with your teeth was pretty noble of you

And his stupid, condoning girlfriend, with all her embarrassing desperation for his approval Saying it was your job to take care of him After all, you brought him that far 「Can’t work through all your childhood trauma for you」

I sacrificed myself to build other people’s relationships, To monitor them, advise them, matchmake and then watch from the outside Looking at something I could never have Like a child

Exactly like a child

Well, I haven't got anything left to sacrifice Just so other people can be happy together “Good for you,” I used to say, and mean it, I meant it back then I wasn’t singing someone else’s song

「Did you hide it well?」

Because of that, I’m not planning to date, I’m not looking for love Or some sort of relationship I’m not even looking for ‘something casual right now’

Sex is a sin in this city, I’ll save it for when I’m long gone, but If I tell anyone that I’m choosing to live like this, It’ll be the same as admitting

That there weren’t actually any other doors open for me

It’s not like anyone wanted to date me So, with a huff, a balling of my fists, Carrying a stubborn stiffness in my broad, broad shoulders, I said “Well, neither do I.”

And continued walking

Of course, grown ups aren’t ashamed of that kind of thing Mostly because ‘that kind of thing’ is something only little kids deal with, And because I’m all grown up now, It’s weird to see me walking around, right?

Like I said,

They’ll all make fun of me for it

I sat at alone at my desk Working, with no money made A couple, barely any older than me, Ran past my window

Sun was almost down They were laughing They stumbled It looked like fun

I mean, I’m not lonely

I’ve introduced myself to my favourite shounen mangas, Sung my name into the spine of my sketchbooks, Hugged my guitar very very tightly, I’m not lonely

But despite that,

I catch myself wondering a lot What it’s like What I’m missing out on What I’ll never feel

Not that it matters, anyway It’s not like you can’t live life to the fullest It’s not like it’s a necessity It’s just, I guess,

That I know they’ll make fun of me for it

It felt a little unfair

It felt really unfair

It was so unfair

I didn’t do anything wrong

Maybe I was a bad kid

Why’d you let him convince you I’m not any good?

If you two never met,

I wonder if it would have made a difference at all

Do you feel kicked out by them? Or has my absence brought the three of you closer as friends? Man, I don’t even want to know I’m not bleaching your roots ever again

But I was ashamed.

I crawled over my own body,

Drew a crude face on the surface of my shame and punched it til my knuckles bled And we didn’t talk after that Continued the face into a neck, strangled it until it snuffed out And we haven't talked since

But I'm happier than ever, Than ever, Yeah, Happier than I ever have been

It’s been three months

(Later on, I’ll bawl my stupid eyes out about it.)

...I did try, you know

I tried to make people like me Don’t say I didn’t That kid was biting his fingers off to get on the side of a concrete wall he didn’t even want to be on I know that feeling very well

I was better than him

I didn’t take interest in smart things Every time I opened my mouth, something stupid fell out And it was a pain to listen to It was tricky to get you guys invested in my conversations

It was difficult to prove to you that I was handling something with skill, That I was making something really cool It was difficult to believe it myself I didn’t believe in anything I felt

I know I was whimsical I know I rattled on about whimsy, without action, way too often I know that, but I never felt that way about any of you

I did mean it, you know

You know, and have known, from a very early age That people who have already established something with each other Are not people inviting you in They are not people looking for a third wheel to their bicycle Or to act as unloving parents to an unwanted child No one can even pretend to enjoy your company Your stupidity is annoying You know that It’s a very comforting thought Makes it feel like there’s some sort of rhyme to the reason And now that I look at it,

I don’t think it’s very fair that that kind of logic never applied to anyone else

She was my friend first, you know 「He actually expected me to love him unconditionally!」 You only got to know him because of me 「Found himself a newer, younger, bouncier cool girl」

Used me up

Well, it was a long time coming The story about my long, lonely adventure Had begun the moment you met I just hadn’t realised it yet

Poor kid, She had no idea I feel like I’ve got some responsibility to warn her about it 「Comet Tiamat, with an orbital period of 1200 years…」

But she was gullible Well, that’s not really the right word for it She was kind She tried to be

She was trying very hard She just wanted to have friends, really I did my best to be a good friend “It’s not really my fault.”

I did my best to hold my anger back, lest I burn up other people on it Wasn’t worth it Still, I’ve earned that red ribbon, At least I can turn in my hurt for that high and mighty view from the summit

But in the end, the moral high ground isn’t really worth all that much

It doesn’t make me feel better The top of a powerline pole can’t hold me the way my mom never did It won’t make anyone understand me more than they already do Sure as hell won’t land me a job

Man, I still can’t believe you sided with them You’re supposed to be mad at him for taking your best friend away from you You were supposed to fight You were supposed to break up

But,

Who am I kidding,

You found a new bible to be brainwashed with

And let him convince you that I'm not any good

Happy couple Best friends Wonder how Haha,

Bitter about it still.

「I vomit sludge」

I cried.

Like a little kid.

I cried like a little kid about it.

You guys made me feel awful All the time All the damn time! And I just wiped it off like it wasn’t leaving stains

I get it, it’ll be better this way, This is how it’s meant to be, That’s right, but, I just kind of wish none of it ever happened

God, you were annoying I can’t believe I put up with it for so long Insufferable, the lot of you I sat on my powerline pole and cried like a little kid about it.

God, kid, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry You didn’t deserve to be treated like that It shouldn't be like this

「Yet, here we are」

You know, I said I never cared if they read it Said I never cared what they were up to And one day, I really won’t, and that’ll be the end of it, But deep down,

I kind of did want them to see it I kind of did hope they’d read through it a hundred times So that if they had any inch of compassion within them at all, They’d all know their pain was their own fault

And I guess you could say I was playing the victim like that But the summer started after that winter, We were all grown up, And I don’t think any of us were playing anymore

Skateboard that’s gathered dust Shirt lying crumpled away in the corner Name burned out of a page Someone else looking at me from the mirror

In the end, it’s just sad.

It wasn’t sudden I wiped it off every time Even for two months in a row once But then one day,

I was older

And knew better

I miss it I’m not proud of that But, I wipe my tears away I lift my head

I don’t feel that way anymore.

One day, I’ll be twenty-nine, I’ll be alive in South Korea And I bet, by that point, It’ll be the first time anyone’s in love with me

「sentiment」

three months, going strong

third wheel, SJG when i was 15, SJG Relay, Fiona Apple Newspaper, Fiona Apple Mommy Fwiend, Penelope Scott Can You Sleep at Night?, Flumpool Gone Girl, David Fincher/Regency Enterprises, TSG Entertainment, 2014 Your Name, Makoto Shinkai/CoMix Wave Films, 2016 Pink, Maretu Galleria, Hiiragi Kirai

#poetry #im something of a poety myself #solart #sjg #okay so this is probably my greatest creation yet???????????? what #the verse abt drawing a crude face on the surface of my shame. high art. thank you

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fatesdeepdive · 4 years ago

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Entry 8: Rinkah’s Burning Loins

My Castle

After fully dedicating ourselves to Hoshido, the game finally really begins. We’re given access to a customizable castle in the Astral Plane where our army waits between battles. We can talk to our units, giving them minor stat boosts or new weapons. Right off the bat, we have a farm and spring to give us resources, rooms for Corrin and Lilith, and a Hall of Records.

In Lilith’s spring, we can feed her to make her level up. Different foods affect her stats in different ways. Note that, although Lilith now has stats, she isn’t usable in battle. Other players can invade our Castle through spotpass, which I’ll discuss in a later entry, and Lilith is only usable in those battles.

Lilith

Lilith is a weird squirrel dragon thing that floats around clutching a random ball. She used to be our stable girl and is now our pet. I think she has a crush on Corrin. Her design is unique and cute, I like it. Gameplay wise, she can only use a modified Physic staff. I don’t dislike her personality, but she feels like a throwaway character added at the last minute. She raises a ton of questions that I doubt will ever be answered.

In the Hall of Records, we can see descriptions of all the units we’ll ever recruit, rewatch cutscenes, read unreadable poems, and play around with a relationship tester. The relationship tester is randomized, by the way, which kinda makes it pointless. That said, it told me that Corrin expects betrayal from Rinkah, while Rinkah’s loins are set afire by Corrin. This is now canon, I have decided.

In Corrin’s room, we can change their hairstyle and invite an ally over to chill. I chose Kaze. He complimented Corrin’s piano skills, which she apparently has, then stared at us, blushing, while thanking us for saving him from Garon.

So, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. In the Japanese version you get to rub units while in close up mode. Like Pokemon Amie except...with people. This was removed in the English version. A lot of Fire Emblem fans were pissed, crying about censorship because Nintendo of America had the gall to remove the minigame where you rub Camila’s tiddies while she moans. And I’m going to say a hot take right now: they made the right call. That stuff was weird and indulgent. It was the living embodiment of the fanservice focussed design that plagues modern Fire Emblem games. Good riddance.

Inviting allies to Corrin’s cool sex treehouse boosts our support levels. I suppose it's time I mentioned that. In Fire Emblem games, units form bonds from fighting next to each other, unlocking short conversations that flesh them out as characters. Units also fight together better when they have high supports. Now, here’s the fun thing about supports:

There are more than 600 supports in this game. Not support conversations, support lines, each of which is made up of three or four conversations. And, because God has cursed me for my hubris and my work is never finished, I’m going to read all of them.

Admittedly, I’m not going to unlock all of them. S-Rank conversations result in marriages and each unit only gets one. It’d take a few dozen playthroughs to get all of Corrin’s S-Rank conversations and I don’t hate myself that much, so I’m reading the transcripts from the wiki. I think I’m going to do four supports per Entry; that’ll leave me with a few extra by the time we reach the end, but I’ll just do a support grab bag entry or something.

Before we do supports, let’s finish up improving the castle. I built a weapon shop and a statue of Corrin that boosts her max speed. We are limited on the number of buildings we can build, but that isn’t a big deal yet because the only other option was to build a stave shop.

Support: Corrin/Rinkah

C: Corrin attempts to discuss battle tactics with Rinkah, but Rinkah blows her off and tells her to stop trying to be friends. Rinkah does acknowledge that Corrin’s authority and that Corrin saved her life, but tells the princess leave her alone.

B: Corrin pesters Rinkah until she explains why she’s so aloof. Rinkah explains that, the Flame Tribe keeps a great flame burning in the center of the village to honor the God of Fire. In the past, outsiders have extinguished the fire. One such instance was followed by a volcanic eruption that decimated the tribe. As a rule, the people of the Flame Tribe are wary of outsiders. Rinkah also explains that she’s working for Hoshido because her father commanded her to, much to her chagrin.

A: Rinkah explains that she would have preferred to die an honorable warrior’s death than be captured and resents Corrin for sparing her. Corrin says that she’s glad Rinkah is still alive, because it means Rinkah and her can be friends. Corrin also says that, despite the chaos of war, she believes in fate and its ability to bring people together. Corrin encourages Rinkah to use this opportunity to learn more about the outside world and bring that knowledge home with her. Rinkah begrudgingly agrees.

This is how the conversation will end on my playthrough, but if Corrin has a penis, you can get an S-Rank proposal conversation. I’ll be listing all of these off along with the normal conversations.

S: Rinkah comes to Corrin, blushing, and tells him that he has been a constant reminder of her shame and regret over being captured. But, over time, these feelings were replaced with love. Love that she hated, because Corrin is an outsider. Corrin says that he’s loved Rinkah since the day they met and only told her to be friendly to other people as an excuse to spend time with her. Rinkah states that, from now on, she will remember her capture as the happiest day of her life and the two get married.

Review: I really like this support line. It expands Rinkah’s backstory and culture, ties it into Corrin’s own isolation and belief in fate, and deals with the tumultuous meeting they had in Chapter 2. The confession comes out of nowhere, admittedly, but I do like Rinkah grappling with her mixed feelings of hate and love. Solid support.

Support: Corrin/Jakob

C: Corrin comes to Jakob to ask for a favor. Jakob interrupts her by humorously listing off the things he would do for Corrin. Things like slay dragons for her, which is actually kinda offensive now that I think about it. Corrin begs Jakob to allow her to be independent and Jakob refuses. Corrin explains that she’s his boss and he tells her that servitude is his reason for living. Jakob explains that, when he started working for Corrin, he was incompetent, and her kindness towards him made him indebted to her. The two compromise on the agreement that Jakob will teach Corrin how to make tea. After Corrin leaves, Jakob mumbles to himself that things might get apocalyptic.

B: Corrin repeatedly tries and fails to make a decent cup of tea. Both of them get some funny lines in, with Corrin telling Jakob that she can’t hear him because she’s ignoring him and Jakob saying that, saying that they’ll run out of leaves before Corrin makes decent tea. They meaning the nation in this case. Corrin eventually makes a passable cup, after Jakob secretly adds in sugar.

A: Jakob admits to Corrin that he messed with her tea and she laughs it off, admitting that she knew all along. She apologizes for being stubborn and accepts that she still needs Jakob’s help sometimes. Jakob says that he falls apart without Corrin. Corrin says that the two of them are alike in that way and Jakob literally faints from joy.

S: Jakob is acting more distant than normal. When Corrin asks him about this, he admits that he’s fallen for her and resigns from his duties as butler, because it is improper for him to have feelings for his mistress. Corrin begs him to say because she needs him and admits that she loves him too. The two of them get embarrassed and Corrin fires Jakob, giving him the new job of husband.

Review: This was a hilarious support that really made me appreciate Jakob’s snarky yet loyal personality. He is the perfect butler. The conflict of Corrin wanting to be independent and Jakob wanting to take care of her is a good dynamic that made me appreciate the relationship between these two characters. I do like them more as a platonic couple than a romantic one, but Jakob quitting his job because falling in love with Corrin is improper is a nice character moment.

Support: Corrin/Kaze

C: A villager gives Kaze a bunch of radishes because he’s super hot. And I mean, he is. Kaze apparently doesn’t realize that he’s hot until Corrin explains it to him. Kaze mentions that he dislikes the attention because he isn’t a good person before running off.

B: Corrin asks Kaze to follow her around so she can figure out what’s bothering him. Kaze says no, so Corrin annoys him until he agrees to hang out with him. Then he runs away again.

A: Kaze admits to Corrin that it was his fault that Garon kidnapped her, because when he was a child, he noticed the Nohrian soldiers that killed Sumeragi were in the city but said nothing about it. I don’t know how that makes Corrin’s kidnapping his fault, you’d expect there to be soldiers guarding a king. And the fact that Kaze was there means that there were also Hoshido soldiers, which means there was no reason to be suspicious of the Nohrians. Also, Kaze was a teenager at the oldest, so he should probably get some leeway. Whatever. Kaze apologizes to Corrin and Corrin, in turn, apologizes for making him live with guilt for fifteen years. Corrin also points out that Kaze led her home, meaning that they’re even now. Kaze compares Corrin to Mikoto because of her kindness and pledges to serve Corrin as her loyal retainer.

S: Corrin and Kaze joke around about Corrin’s kidnapping. It’s cute. Corrin mentions that, now that she’s spent so much time offscreen with Kaze, she likes him even more. Kaze blurts out that he loves Corrin, despite being her bodyguard, and the two propose.

Review: I found this chain a bit lacking, to be honest. The first two conversations were filler and the origin for Kaze’s guilt complex is kinda dumb. Kaze’s relationship with Corrin defines him as a character. He is so guilt ridden over her kidnapping that he would betray his country and his family to protect her. Later parts of the game hinge on this relationship. But, three of their four conversations are dull. I do like Kaze’s guilt complex as a concept, and think becoming Corrin’s retainer alongside Jakob and/or Felicia and a way to repent, but it isn’t enough to save this support line.

Support: Kaze/Rinkah

C: Kaze gets a bunch of candy for being hot and shares it with Rinkah, who secretly loves candy.

B: Kaze continues to give Rinkah candy.

A: Kaze continues to give Rinkah candy.

S: Kaze reveals that he’s been giving Rinkah candy because he’s in love with her.

Review: This one was a big let down. The fact that Kaze and Rinkah are introduced together made me think it would be about their capture, but no. It’s just Kaze giving Rinkah candy for four conversations straight. And it’s cute fluff, but it’s nothing more than that. There is something interesting below the surface with Rinkah hiding her love of candy to protect her image, but it’s never really explored.

So, off to a mixed start with the support conversations.

Birthright Chapter 7: A Vow Upheld

Team Corrin heads to a Hoshidan fort where Sakura is tending to wounded soldiers. We are introduced to Sakura’s retainers, Subaki and Hana. Suddenly, the fort is attacked by Nohrian forces. Corrin and Azura point out the ridiculousness of them attacking immediately after they arrived. Sakura freaks out because the fort is being used as a hospital and has no military value. So apparently Nohr is now being evil just to be evil.

Subaki and Hana agree to help Corrin defend the fort and argue over who’s more important to Sakura, much to her annoyance. Subaki and Hana give me a good opportunity to discuss a few interesting things about classes in this game. First off, unlike in most Fire Emblem games, classes are NOT gender-specific, as demonstrated by Subaki being the first male Pegasus Knight in the series. Secondly, the classic Fire Emblem classes were divided between the two nations. Nohr got Mercenaries, Hoshido got Myrmidons. Nohr got Wyvern Riders, Hoshido got Pegasus Knights. Etc. I really like this, it gives the two countries different feels in combat both aesthetically and mechanically. Finally, a lot of Hoshidan classes were renamed to be more Eastern, shown by Hana being a Samurai instead of a Myrmidon, or by Sakura being a Shrine Maiden instead of a Cleric.

Subaki

Subaki is a Sky Knight, this game’s equivalent of a Pegasus Knight. He can fly over terrain and has good speed and resistance, but is decimated by arrows. His personal skill buffs his hit and avoid when he has full health. Design wise, I like how ridiculously smug he looks. Personality wise, he seems over-competitive yet fiercely loyal to Sakura.

Hana

Hana is a Samurai with high speed and skill. Her personal skill damaged nearby enemies when she scores a kill. Her design is fine, if a little bland. Personality wise, she seems over-competitive yet fiercely loyal to Sakura.

Starting with this chapter, we have a prep menu, where we can choose which units to use and rearrange them on the map. We can bring our whole team in with us, so it’s a little pointless, but it's nice. Worth noting that you can have units start in pair up via this menu, unlike in Awakening where you had to pair them up after the battle started.

At the start of the battle, the chapter’s boss, a Cavalier named Silas, shouts out to Corrin that he’s her childhood best friend. She does not remember him even slightly. Okie dokie.

This map is decent. It’s a bit short, but it features a lot of good bottlenecks. The Dragon Veins can be used to open heal tiles, which is a bit pointless because you have two healers. When Silas and Corrin fight, he reiterates that they used to be friends. Corrin says that she can’t remember her past. And that confuses me, because I was under the impression that she got amnesia when she was taken to Nohr, which would have been before she met Silas. Unless he’s lying.

After the battle, Corrin refuses to kill Silas. She interrogates him about why he was so hesitant to attack them and he explains that, when they were children, he helped Corrin sneak out of the walls to have a picnic. The guards tried to execute Silas for this, but Corrin stopped them, because apparently guards listen to small children. Because of this, Silas feels he owes a debt to Corrin.

Question. Why was this random child allowed to play with the super secret hostage princess? Whatever.

Corrin eventually recovers a vague memory of Silas and asks him to join the gang. She explains that Garon is crazy and evil and that’s enough to make him swap sides. Silas is now officially the most sane character in the game. I mean, he should have probably realized this stuff before being sent to destroy a hospital for shits and giggles, but still.

Also, Silas mentions that Corrin’s favorite food is surf and turf. Perhaps this symbolizes how Corrin is stuck between both kingdoms? Or maybe it’s a random throwaway line. You be the judge!

At the end of the chapter, Saizo and a new character named Orochi show up, wounded, and report that Takumi and Ryoma have gone missing. Uh oh.

Team Corrin decide to help search for the missing princes. Sakura decides to come along, despite Corrin and Kaze’s objections. Silas also decides to come along and Saizo points out that he totally could be a spy or traitor. He’s a dick, but he is infinitely smarter than Kaze.

#fire emblem fates #fire emblem birthright #fe14 #fire emblem #hoshido #nohr #corrin fe #kaze fe #corrin x kaze #corrin x rinkah #rinkah fe #rinkah x kaze #silas fe #jakob fe #corrin x jakob #hana fe #subaki fe

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granvarones · 4 years ago

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i snapped this picture of my brother nicholas and my mother was taken on mother’s day sometime in early 1990’s. my mother LOVED mother’s day! it was one of the few times other than her birthday, she would dress up snd put on some lip stick. i think she loved this day the most because it always fell on a sunday and that was the day she would drink and listen to the oldies till midnight.

my memories of mother’s day changed 20 years ago. this story, this remembrance, is of my continual mourning of the loss of my brother nicholas.

may 9th marked the 20th anniversary of nicholas’ death. yesterday, i realized that i have survived life on this without him as long as i lived on this planet with him. some days, i feel a sense of redemption. like, “wow, louie. this shit could have left you broken but look at you!” some days, i am haunted by a deep sense of survivor’s guilt. “why you louie? what did you do to deserve life?” and in the days in-between, i am carefully wobbling on a tightrope.

the first years after his death in 2001, i could not remember the exact date. i knew it was a couple of days before mother’s day and a day before a friend’s birthday. i cannot remember if obituaries or prayer cards were handed out at his funeral. maybe i just didn’t get one. his gravesite didn’t get a tombstone until years later but i suppose that wouldn’t have helped me remember because i never returned to that site after his burial. the only reference i had was the airbrushed shirt with his picture that i wore to his funeral. but i packed the shirt away immediately after. all i could and did remember was the pain, the regret, the guilt. all i carried with me was the rage.

i have only written about my brother nicholas. i still have not found the courage to speak about this aloud with anyone. even the voice in my head whispers when thinking about him and all that he and i witnessed growing up in the 1980s and 1990s. shit that not only shaped our lives but shaped our relationship and our love and resentment for each other.

a few years ago, while i was home alone, i pulled the airbrushed shirt out of the box i kept tucked away in the closet. i unfolded the shirt and put it on. i wept. i felt so many emotions. i felt for the first time what it must have been like for him to fight people who called me a faggot – even on days when he didn’t want to fight. i understood for the first time why he would sometimes get annoyed at me recreating janet’s “if” choreography with my best friend robert in the middle of our busy street – even tho he would hold up traffic with his car so that the headlights served as our spotlights. i felt for the first time the impact of my not speaking his name aloud. my son knows almost nothing about him.

i have just three photos of me and nicholas together. they serve as the only physical proof of our childhood. this sometimes feels like a lack of evidence that we were children, but i remember. those memories live in my bones.

this grief has brought me closer to nicholas and to my mother. both of whom now visit me in my dreams. acknowledging this grief each year has brought me closer to myself and to some sibilance of healing. it has brought me this far even though it still feels so close to where i was 20 years ago.

#granvarones #family #remembrance #grief #queer #gay #afro-latinx #lgbtq #afrolatinx

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blaines-hayes · 4 years ago

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Stay. [Ethan Ramsey x MC]

Pairings: Ethan Ramsey x MC

Rating: General/ For All Audiences

Words: 3.7K

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Pixelberry.

Summary: MC is leaving Edenbrook after receiving an offer of a fellowship in Seattle. She's hoping for a goodbye from Ethan who grew distant after hearing the news.

[1st person POV.]

"This is really it then," Sienna says.

Her voice draws me out of my thoughts, her small frame is leaning against the doorframe of my bedroom. I bring myself to laugh, but the tears welling up in her eyes serve to remind me of the sadness of this day. Aurora stands besides her, her expression is unreadable, but over the years I have distinguished the expressions enough to know she is hiding her own sadness.

"I guess so," I say. My fingers pull up the last zipper, sealing my last suitcase shut.

My years as a resident at Edenbrook are over. Not too long ago I was offered a fellowship where I would continue my training under some of the best doctors in the world. Away from Boston and everyone I have come to hold dear... away from my friends. Away from Ethan.

"Has he come to say goodbye?" Aurora asks, her tone is soft and careful. As if she is afraid of upsetting me by mentioning him. There's a hidden layer behind her words, a subtle implication. An insinuation that there was something more, that she has known about it for a while.

Her question shocks me. Whatever my relationship with Ethan has been, we have always tried to keep it discrete. Friendly. Careful not to raise any suspicion, but Aurora is smart. She has always been observant, a quality of hers that is often forgotten and overlooked.

"You knew?!" I ask. My eyes scan her face, for resentment or just some sign that she will discredit all my work as the hospital, but there is nothing other than a sheepish smile that follows her confession.

"Sienna and I had been speculating about your relationship for a while. There were days where you would get back from the Diagnostics team meetings all flustered and then there were days where you would come back annoyed at something you wouldn't want to discuss," She says, shrugging as if anyone would have noticed.

"It didn't take too much to connect it to Ethan, when we would see Dr. Mirani and Dr. Hirata at Donahue's when you would stay and work late," Sienna adds, a smile on her face.

"Don't even get us started on the longing looks he threw at you when you weren't looking. Or the lingering touches when your hand would accidentally brush against his and-- yeah you two were definitely not subtle," Aurora laughs.

I can't help but join in. Some pressure of having to have had keep our relationship a secret seems to lift from my shoulders. Even though I am on my way out, and there was no need for secrecy anymore, I didn't find it necessary to mention our history. With Ethan in Boston and me in Seattle... the distance would never work. He could never leave Edenbrook, and I cannot pause my career when I'm only just getting started.

“When did it start?” Sienna asks giddily. Aurora rolls her eyes, but I her focus as interest.

“A couple of years ago. We both wanted to see who we were outside of the hospital. He’s met my parents. I’ve met his dad. It was--”

“Pretty serious. Wow. Years,” Aurora finishes. She thinks it over, seemingly replaying different encounters in her head, and nods, satisfied.

"...He hasn't said anything," I admit, referring back to their original question. "When I told him about the fellowship, he congratulated me and wished me the best. We didn't speak much after. He hasn't reached out, and I haven't been able to reach him. I don't think he's coming."

Aurora smiles sadly at me, "I don't know the full depths of your relationship. But it's obvious you two mean a lot to each other. He'll be here."

"You think so?" I ask.

"If there's one thing Ethan Ramsey cares about more than medicine, it's you. Maybe more. Probably more. I don't know what goes on in that man's head really. But I'm almost certain he would rather suffer than ever be the reason for your disappointment," Sienna replies. She pauses for a moment, and then her eyes light up as if remembering something. "Oh! The guest are here for your goodbye party! We were coming to get you. You're all set for the airport after right?"

I take a quick glance around my room, now bare, the few boxes left are going to be taken to a donation center sometime tomorrow by Elijah. There's a small pang in my chest, but I manage to shove it aside and plaster on a smile.

I find myself wondering about Edenbrook, about how different things would have been if they offered me a fellowship. Would I have chosen to stay? Would I still choose Seattle? Then the most obvious question surfaces, why didn't Edenbrook offer me a fellowship? Did they not think I was good enough? Did being on the Diagnostics team mean nothing?

"Yeah, I'm all set. You're still okay with driving me right?"

"Yup," Sienna says. "Now let's party like I won't see you tomorrow because I won't and... oh no, now I'm sad."

We laugh and move to greet everyone who is gathered in the living room. With no sight of Ethan, my party-ing mood deflates.

Hours pass, and Ethan never shows up. Soon enough, its midnight and the car is pulling up into the airport. Sienna, Jackie, and Aurora follow me to the entrance of the building. They begin to apologize for Ethan's absence.

"It's okay. He probably got caught up with work or--"

"It's not okay," Jackie interjects. "You don't have to make excuses for him. He didn't show up and he didn't so much as talk to you during your last few weeks. All he did was make appointments with the Chief and HR. He avoided you like the plague and now he doesn't even have the decency to say goodbye to you."

"Jackie--" Sienna starts, but Jackie cuts her short.

"What? Did I lie? I'm sorry, but it's the truth. He could at least said goodbye or tell you why Edenbrook didn't offer you a fellowship. It's not like he couldn't have asked Banerji about it."

Jackie goes to say more, but whatever look is on my face stops her. Her faces scrunches and she appears regretful. Her tone drops in its sharpness and she sounds genuine when she says, "I really am sorry."

The lack of an offer for fellowship at Edenbrook is a sore spot, and she knows I haven't wanted to talk about it.

"It's okay," I offer, but my voice isn't very convincing. They're kind enough to ignore it.

When it is clear that we have been delaying the inevitable, it Aurora who steps up first. Her hands wrap around me and I quickly reciprocate it.

"You're an amazing Doctor," Aurora says. "I wish you nothing but the very best with your career. Thank you for constantly encouraging me."

Don't cry, don't cry.

"Thank you Aurora," I say smiling. "You better believe I'm going to follow your career. I hope you invite me to the award ceremonies that you'll undoubtedly be nominated for."

When we pull apart, there is a shadow of a smile in her face, and she goes back into the car.

"I'm not one for tears," Jackie says, stepping up and pulling me into a quick hug. "Edenbrook is going to be ridiculously boring without you causing trouble."

"Believe me when I say not to count Bryce out just yet."

When it's just Sienna and I, I finally succumb to my emotions, encouraged by her own tears.

"Sienna! No fair, my eyes are going to be puffy and you promised me you wouldn't cry!"

"I can't help it," Sienna sobs. "You're my friend. My best friend!"

"Seattle isn't crazy far from California! I'll visit you every chance I get. You're gonna love it there."

"Oh god, I should let someone else drive," Sienna laughs, wiping her tears with her sleeve.

I laugh, "I think that would be best."

I pull her into a tight hug, thank her for being the best friend I could ever ask for. When we pull apart, we take a few minutes to compose ourselves before she speaks.

"I really am sorry about Ethan. I really did think he would show up."

I shrug, attempting to act indifferent. "Ethan isn't very good at goodbyes."

I think of his mother, and her sudden abandonment. I wonder if he thinks I am betraying him. I push the thought out of my mind. There's no way. Ethan, the man that only ever pushed me to be the best and supported me throughout my time in Edenbrook, who kept things professional for so long because he was aware of the mistreatment of women in any field, especially medical. There's no way that that Ethan Ramsey, my Ethan Ramsey, would be anything other than proud.

"Neither are we apparently," Sienna says, but the second the words leave her lips, a sorry expression appears. Suddenly, hearing the layers behind her words. The hidden meaning of not being good at goodbyes meaning you can't do a goodbye.

I pull her into one last hug before she was start issuing a series of apologies. I promise her that I'll call her when I land and swear I am okay, and finally head into the check-in station.

[3rd person POV.]

"Stop crying Sienna," Jackie says, clearly exasperated. Her hands rub small circles into the smaller woman's back.

"They probably haven't even boarded," Aurora appears suddenly. She had gone to find a place to park the car after Sienna refused to get in. "You could probably catch them and fly out with--"

The sounds of footsteps rushing across the pavement, of people shouting irritated "watch its", sounds of shoved groans and of loud apologies, draws the women's attention. They cannot make out what's happening, but a large figure is rushing towards them at a dangerous speed, too fast for them to move away.

"Varma, Trinh, Emery!" A strangely familiar voice shouts out to them.

"Were we expecting anyone?" Jackie mumbles to the ladies, too entranced by the scene that is unfolding to look away.

Aurora replied with a three beat hum that sounds like the words "i don't know" .

"Wait! We know him!" Sienna shouts suddenly, jumping up and rushing to meet him half way.

Their theatrics have gathered the attention of some onlookers now, the expressions vary from confused, annoyed, and excited.

"Dr. Ramsey?" Aurora calls out shocked, as his face comes closer into view.

"Oh my God," Jackie says, sounding suddenly very amused. They two women step forward until they reach them.

Sienna who reached him just as he bent over for air, pats his back as an attempt to help as Ethan Ramsey collects himself.

"Where...is...?" He asks through heavy pants. "Did I...miss...?"

The women stare at him, both confused and amused.

"We got here not to long ago..." Jackie says. "Maybe around fifteen minutes give or take?"

Sienna who suddenly seems very alert, "We don't think the plane has boarded yet. You could probably still catch---"

But Ethan Ramsey has already taken off leaving nothing but a cold rush of air in his place.

"...Never would have expected Ethan Ramsey to be so theatrical," Jackie laughs, watching his running figure speed off.

"God, nobody is ever going to believe us," Aurora says, joining in on the laughter.

"I think it's romantic," Sienna says, sighing happily. "Anyway. I'm okay. We can go now."

[1st person POV.]

"...And now I'm moving to Seattle for a fellowship."

The man in front of me in line grunts in response.

"But your man? He didn't say goodbye?" He asks, shaking his head disapprovingly.

I sigh dramatically, "Why does everybody like to focus on that part?"

"You 'oughta stop telling it like a tale of romance then," he shrugs. "Makes the story less about the relationship when you don't end it and start it with that fancy doctor you're leaving behind."

I nod, playfully understanding. "I'm a fancy doctor too, you know. But anyway, you're right. I'll do better next time."

He does a sort of chuckle and disappears into the terminal leading into the plane.

"Next."

I greet the attendant politely and hand over my passport, ticket and any other piece of paper she needs to let me on board.

"I think it's messed up that he didn't say goodbye. He should have at least said goodbye," a woman's voice says from behind me.

I turn to her and laugh, "He's not too bad--"

"Sir! There is no running in the--"

The sound of crashing draws my attention to the scene. Where a man has just accidentally tripped over and dropped the black stanchion rope, that was separating crowds into neat lines.

"I am so sorry! I just have to find and stop the person I'm in love with from getting on--"

"Ethan?!" I hear my voice call out, my feet seem to take off without me.

"I'd bet that the doctor she was mentioning," the woman from the line says, confidently.

Ethan looks up sheepishly when I reach him. "Hi," he says, his cheeks turning pink.

"Hey," I say. I can't help the smile that appears on my face. "You take a wrong turn somewhere?" I ask, amused.

He laughs, and takes my hands that reach out to help him up.

When he stands, his eyes settle on mine, and he sighs like he can relax now that he has found me. His hand comes up, and his thumb caresses my cheek.

Behind me I hear the man who I was initially speaking to, having probably come out with a flight attendant to see what the hold up was, say, "Well with his looks, I would've been without a goodbye either."

"Thanks, Gregg," I jokingly call out to him, not bothering to look back at him. He responds with an approving grunt.

"You've been talking about me?" Ethan asks, his eyebrows raise playfully.

"All good things," I hum. His eyes focus on me so intently, I'm worried he believes I will disappear if he looks away.

"We formed our own opinion!" The woman from the line calls out, earning a few laughs from the crowd.

"I should probably explain," Ethan says, not bothering to look away from me. The intense longing in his eyes makes my chest warm.

"Yeah," I say, "Yes. You probably should."

But the energy drawing us together is too strong and soon his lip crash onto mine, both his hands come up to cup my face, and I melt against him to the sound of cheering and whistles. When we pull apart, I become all too aware of our gathered spectators and press my face against his chest, in attempt to hide my growing blush.

Ethan offers up a meek apology to the crowd, who merely laugh and applaud. Gregg shouts out to thank us for the show.

A couple moments pass, and we look for a quiet part of the loud and busy airport where we can talk. We land at the sleeping pods area and settle in together.

"You didn't say goodbye," I say. His arms are wrapped around me and my cheek is pressed to chest.

"I know," Ethan says softly. His hand is rubbing soothingly up and down my back.

I lift myself off of his chest to look up at him, "That's all?"

"No, no. That isn't all," He says quickly, propping himself up. "I was figuring things out. You and I, we-- I always kept you at a professional distance because I didn't want anybody to look at you and link all your hard work back to me. I didn't want anyone to discredit your accomplishments and say that you only succeeded because I had a hand in your career. I didn't. Everything you have accomplished, that was all you. You're-- you're brilliant. You know that.

"It was you who put in all the work. It was all you. You worked so hard, you're passionate and smart. So I was confused when Banerji didn't offer you a fellowship at Edenbrook. I set up meetings with him to ask, he was too busy to ever meet with me at the hospital so I finally showed up to his house. When I mentioned it he was confused and he said that he had made you an offer," Ethan says looking up at me expectantly.

I am perplexed, nobody had ever responded to my fellowship application and certainly nobody had met me in person to discuss it.

"Nobody ever offered me anything?"

"That's what I told him. He promised me he would look into it and days later he realized there had been an issue. You were far too qualified to be a fellow, so he never intended to recruit you as such. But you had already accepted the fellowship in Seattle, taking the hospital silence as an answer. Long story short those he had he put in charge of offering you the position made the mistake of marking you out as an unavailable candidate. Banerji was incredibly mad when he found out. He wanted to apologize personally, but I told him you were leaving today and that you had to know before you left. Edenbrook is your home, and you have a position there. If you want it, of course. I know that you are very excited about Seattle, but you deserve all your option on the table."

I can't do anything but stare at him. It takes me some time to process the information. Edenbrook was offering a position. They always intended to offer me a position. But what had Ethan said? Not a fellow? What could I possibly be if not a fellow?

"Ethan? You said I was too qualified as a fellow so what position is Edenbrook offering me?" My voice is soft, afraid that if I speak to loudly I will scare the news away. That I will wake up in Seattle and this was all a dream.

He smiles brightly at the question, and his eyes shine with pride. "They're offering you an Attending position."

My pulse quicken, "You're joking. Tell me you're not joking."

An Attending position? That's the second highest position in a hospital, not including Chief of the whole hospital. There's Chief of hospital, Chief of individual section such as Chief or cardio, trauma, or general surgery, and then there are Attendings. Attending are in charge of Residents and Interns, and at Edenbrook I will become a teacher to interns who positions I was once in.

Ethan laughs, "When have you ever known me to joke?"

I laugh, and in a swift motion press my lips to his. His response is immediate. His hands wrap around my waist and his lip part, granting me entrance. My fingers run through his hair, and everything seems in place. Like this is the last piece of our now complete puzzle.

"Wait," I say, finally pulling apart to breathe. "This position is great. I know it is. And if I stay I would be staying for me, for my career. But..."

"But?" Ethan presses, running his hand down my cheek.

"But there's you."

He looks confused. "Yes, there's me."

"There's you. There's me. There's an us, Ethan. We would be working together and still on the Diagnostic team which you're the Director of. You're still my boss, and relationships like those, like ours still aren't allowed."

Ethan fishes something out of his coat pocket, a folded piece of paper that he hands me.

"About that," He begins, watching as I unfold and smooth down the paper. "I also set up some meetings with HR."

My eyes scan the words on the paper, and I look up at him confused.

Ethan smiles, "It's um, a Declaration of Love."

"A Declaration of Love?"

"Yes, the paper itself is simple. Really it's just a safety precaution for HR that the hospital won't be liable for any possible lawsuits. But the idea of it, what it would mean for us..."

"I could kiss you in the hallways," I reply, staring at the paper entranced. "You could hold my hand when we get off shifts and we can go home together..."

Ethan's eyes are soft when I look back up at him, "Yes, yeah all that," He smiles. "And you could also wear this."

My eyes focus on it for the first time. I was so focused on the piece of paper that would free us from all our secrecy that I hadn't even noticed him pull it out. The velvet box is open and displaying a beautiful ring.

Ethan moves down on to his knee, and I am frozen in place.

"I love you. I don't really know how you managed to do it, but you snuck somewhere inside me and buried yourself deep. And all I have ever wanted to do ever since, is keep you there. Warm and happy. I love you. You have helped me in way that I never thought a person could help me. You are the most supportive and brilliant person I have ever met. I love you. You're passionate about your work and patients, you have a drive that has the power to push anyone to be better. You love your work and you love it for the right reasons. You're driven and smart, your career is going to drive you so far and no matter where you choose to go, because it is your decision-- I'd follow you anywhere. We'd figure it out, I would just be happy enough if you let me go along for the ride. I will love you high and far, and I will keep loving you no matter how many pop culture references you make that I will never understand. I love you, so if you'll have me... will you please marry me?"

The tears are hot on my cheeks and I no longer trust my voice enough to speak. All I can do is nod my head yes, throw myself into him and disappear into him as our lips meet.

I realize now that no matter where I am, a piece of me will always be here in Boston, in Edenbrook with him. So when we pull apart and he slips the ring onto my finger, it feels right. This is where I must be, for my career undoubtedly, but also for him.

Suddenly, I find myself laughing, at Ethan confused and amused smile, I decide to let him in on the joke.

"I missed my flight and sent everything I own to Seattle."

#ethan ramsey #ethan ramsey fic #ethan ramsey x mc #open heart fic #open heart

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