#more personal than usual haha
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It's that time of the year again ✨
#art vs artist 2024#art vs artist#dmc#devil may cry#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#rdr#red dead redeption#rdr1#red dead redemption 1#artvsartist#artvsartist2024#dmc5#devil may cry 5#spardacest#dante#nero#vergil#john marston#arthur morgan#v#v dmc#wow that was a lot of tags LMAO#guess thats what having more than one fandom in a recap does to you huh#ANYWAY heres my best art that happens to not be a commission haha#nothing wrong with those! in fact i have plenty of art i was commissioned in my art summary meme i already made#but i just wanted to put this one together with just my personal art#which admittedly. i didnt do a lot of this year KJHFDK#i kinda turned into a full time commission artist by accident in 2024 WHOOPS#not complaining just different from my usual routine
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20/10 stars little guy
#me (scrounging undetected autist whose ideal fashion sense is ''if i have to be seen at all: shrouded'') seeing encanto the other month.....#and on top of it all i LOVE slice of life. encanto being so focused on What It's About that there's so much of that + character / dynamic#also part of what i loved abt pixar luca. ppl like ''simple story but not a problem :)'' like YEAH thank god it's Also so slice of lifey#2021 what a year lol. though again i only Just saw encanto....tfw Studio Creative Control backs off a bit more than usual: Joy & Wonders#anyway i knew going in bruno wasn't an antagonist (fine if he was though b/c slay & b/c scapegoats can do whatever they want)#knew i'd love him b/c again Scapegoat shows up & i'm the Amazing Showstopping Totally Unique Never The Same gif on loop#but what a delight even beyond those expectations lol. love again how Focused the movie is on What It's About & Thee Points it makes#the Characters / Dynamics & the Metaphor & the plot stays right with all of that. the focus & importance re: thee scapegoats....#& bruno being disabled like whole layer of Yay Yay Yay spamming. that even when He's Back we're reminded he's not ''normal now'' or w/e#(i.e. presenting that as The Good Ending for the disabled outcast. vs just being embraced as part of the group again & accepted As He Is)#meanwhile was like hmm chat is there queercoding do we think? like is he queer: Yes. but is there coding? hmm#sure isn't cishet coded though. but i was also having the thought like fellas is it gay to [higher tenor tessitura or w/e] lol#made me go ''do i know this voice? ok do i know this name / face / actor? (i have never seen anything ever / bad w/names/faces/voices)''#indeed was like yeah haven't seen this; heard of this; seen it once ages ago no way i remember more than like 0.6 details#then from ''ohh haha I'm A Mammal That Cares....yeah i hear that'' to ''omg CHI-CHI RODRIGUEZ???? ;;0;;'' waaah fantastic revelation lmao#also the way Literal Future Seer ability was externalized to make it more wrangleable for plot is so impressive & fun & excellent#got a lot of [i like this thing i saw a lot] i got to say....guess i can do that w/the sideblog i made for one drawing i made last night#encanto 2021#bruno madrigal#also the way bruno is so Nervous + Hiding / Bold + Big Personality like yes ha ha ha Yes....tamped down as ''too much'' experience#also the [stuttering stumbling muttering mumbling] line: i fr nigh wept upon going back over a moment like what am i hearing here?#& realizing the answer was: it's bruno quietly stuttering a moment during this one line (& then (& then (& then)) i saw you) ;;;mm;;;#hang onnn....the first scapegoat who's driven off being Disabled is so real so ;m; that again they're like so he got Weirder; Okay ;;m;;#that we get jorge thumbs up nobody having an Aside to be like [ugh; this guy] or Anything. augh always have too much to say for 30 tags#fabric drape there sure not accurate but i was like okay if i try to really reference that i'm not getting this done tonight
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Drawing TrollJim in 2023 🎉💙
#tales of arcadia#trollhunters#troll!jim#jim lake jr#jim lake#troll jim#toa#fanart#i got my coworker into the show muahahah. with that i have received yet another person comparing me to jim haha. i love it.#today has felt nice and refreshing for whatever reason. i felt i could reconnect to toa more than usual. allowing me to draw this. yippee#mmkart
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S E V E R A N C E
#my art#furry art#blood cw#i guess. just in case. i dont rrrrreally know how to tag this art haha its just personal emotions#i'm REALLY pleased with it as a digital collage piece. one of my fav mediums to work in#textures as always from unsplash as is my usual gameplan for sourcing them#if you want the meaning behind this piece its fairly simple#just a commentary on feelings of how a fight for freedom and self governance always hurts and is hard but you have to do it anyway#you will bite your leg and bleed to sever the string binding you but you will heal free rather than living this half life#this is about my own inner turmoil of struggling between the want to transition and the knowlege of how much of my current network i will#lose and how much my life will change in ways that will hurt.#it is also about some other personal feelings along these lines of conflicts of staying unhurt but not free or hurting but gaining freedom#but i dont really feel like getting into much more. i hope u enjoy the art tho#and please like. dont be a dick? about it? its the first piece ive been physically well enough to do in a while#so if you dont like it or you think its embarrasing or you want to make jokes just like. maybe dont? thank youuuuuu
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The "Dan Heng is Dan Feng" dogmatics annoy me a lot. It entirely brushes off one of the most interesting and prevalent questions posed by the game, incarnated by several characters and stories that give the question different hues with different potential answers, and a constant also in HI3, like a thread waving the two games together
#The question about what makes a person themselves is super interesting#Is it the memories? Is it personality? Is it body? Is it resemblance? What about narrative reiteration?#Bronya is not Silver Wolf but they're both HI3 Bronya but also they're not#Is March the same person she once was? What about the Trailblazer? Welt looks at Himeko and Silver Wolf and feels like drowning#but he is looking at nothing other than something eerily recognisable#Vidyadhara are reborn anew as if washed clean but Dan Heng's process was skewed. What does it mean to Dan Heng?#He has the body he has the moves he has the stern haughty air he has muddy memories he can't quite recall but something stays#Is he or is he not the same? Where does one end and the other start? Where do they overlap?#Does how others regard him influence whether he is or isn't Dan Feng?#Does the memories of others weight more than your own memories and will?#What does constitute a person? How is selfhood constructed? What are the ontological implications of all this?#If you respond to these questions one way in one context when it comes to one character‚ can you confidently reply the same thing#in a different context for a different character? If not‚ why? What does it say?#It's not a straight up answer. The question is what's interesting and it's what makes Dan Heng's story interesting#Seeing it dogmatically negated mainly for the purpose of a ship annoys me a lot#It is a constant in HSR but it's even more clear after playing HI3. This problematic about what constitute identify and selfhood#and whether or not they're the same thing is a constant there too. With Kiana‚ with Otto‚ with Kevin‚ with Fu Hua‚ with the simulations#of the Flame Chasers most notably with Mobius but in general with the continuation of their goals and feelings‚ Klein as human and as ELF‚#the iteration of consciences of the Herrschers‚ the puppets of the Herrscher of Domination‚ the influence of the Herrscher of Corruption‚#the many times characters are found in different universes being slightly different yet recognisable‚ the amount of times characters seem#to reiterate existences in different eras‚ echoing past selves with past faces yet different‚...#And usually it's not easy to respond to all of them with the same answer‚ which only opens more questions. It's extremely interesting#and it's obviously a topic Honkai as a game cares about a lot. But no. Nothing matters. Dan Heng *is* Dan Feng yes or yes no questions asked#No problematic. No questioning. No doubts. All usually because of a ship. That the drive. I don't know... I'm all for shipping#but I quite dislike when shipping gets so out of hand it crushes and brushes off good writing or core motifs in a text. It's... shabby#And it saddens me haha. Why do you even care about these characters and their dynamic if you're erasing core traits of them as characters?#Abfkabdkkd anyway...#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#But I had to vent a little. It annoys me a lot this kind of approach to analysis what can I say
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'vacation together' for YOTP 2023 Prompt List July
[insert News article here about how Bruce Wayne has been seen with his current boyfriend on vacation together. Gotham's favorite billionaire has been carrying around his exhausted partner and everyone swoons about the chivalrous gesture]
#wally west#bruce wayne#batman#flash#batflash#yotp#personal art#why do my colors turn out so different from tablet to pc haha#I mean they're cool colors!#but it's always leaning towards yellow waaay more than usual
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i need to learn to bake something new as everyone at work already knows i'm bringing them some carrot cake on friday....
#as some of u may have heard several times this month or any time the number 22 is mentioned its my bday on friday#so im baking something to bring to work#and i can bake more than just carrot cake#i think ive brought brownies to work more often than carrot cake. and ive also dabbled in chocolate chip oat cookies#and mokkapalat.#and yet#i saw my boss today and she jokingly was like ''haha i guess we'll be getting some carrot cake on our big planning meeting on friday''#which. hold on just to preface this i actually like my boss and she has my best interests in mind and shes v nice.#anyways i didnt even tell her id be baking smh. i mean i always bake something for work when theres a special occassion but still#and howd she guess it was carrot cake. ok probably bc thats my fave but still#i know i have a complaining tone in here but i think its funny and silly#i know i'm a predictable person but sometimes it manifests in weird ways#i did not know my carrot cake baking was THAT predictable#oh. i was thinking of going to the liquor store on fri bc its a tradition of mine and they have a new#cant remember if it was white or red but anyways some type of new seasonal flavor of wine glögg#i think regular glögg is superior but man can you imagine a red wine glögg with carrot cake#cozy spices...#especially since my carrot cake recipe is very winter-y as it has cinnamon and clove in it#i usually love lighting candles and getting cozy on the sofa as soon as the days get short#but i havent done that yet this year#can u imagine. little lights and candles on. red wine glögg and carrot cake. sitting on the sofa under a blanket.#watching something on the tv.#would love to read but its not ideal in candlelight#i usually like having a big light on bc i like to see but it's nice being in a dimly lit room when its dark anyways#leevi talks
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Continuing the relationship chart grind, look at how many goddamn arrows and multiple colors this bitch has. I wouldn't expect anything less form Mrs.Weird woman here.
Much like last time, check this post first if you're new here so you know who is who in this mess.
As an evil spiteful nurse most of Catherine's chart is composed of varying levels of dislike. While John is the only one with the hartred color all through the only reason she hates him that much if because he tries to kill her on day 1 morning, if it wasn't for that she really wouldn't have much opinion in the guy. Amos is actually the person she hates the most out of the whole cast, pretty much by default, since he is a priest and Catherine despises anything and everything related to religion or cultists or magic. Partially because the family that abused her for a good part of her life was heavily religious so she associates the practices and devotion with them, but also because she prides herself in her work a lot and feel as if using magic for things, especially healing, is incredibly lazy and requires no real skill or ability. Seeing people be able to grow entite limbs back in some rituals while the best she can do is stitch them back up makes her feel worthless and she hates that more than anything, it's a blow to the ego, what more can i say.
That's literally the whole reason she has such a bone to pick with Amos because if she stopped being an asshole for one and learned how he was forced to become a dark preist and actually dislikes that heavily I'm sure she wouldn't dislike him that much. But she'll never take time off her day to be around him unless absolutely necessary, so that's not happening.
She dislikes Kit for basically the same reason as Amos, tho his less bad because his main god isn't All-mer (the one her family devoted themslves to the most, which is also the church kind Amos was a part of) + seeing him be an absolute outcast and lacking even a basic knowledge of how it is to be normal and a part of society due to the cult he grew up in validates her beliefs that cultists are just deranged people who will ruin their own lives in favor of devoting themselves to a god that doesn't care for them. She pities him, but that pity isn't enough to make her feel genuinely bad for the guy, she will just be a dick that glares at him from the sinelines and find some form of twisted enjoyment from seeing him suffer because of his ties to the wolfmasks.
On a similar note of dislike mixed with weird feelings we have Lola, who is an odd one out in her humongous hate list because Catherine tens to have a soft spot for women who had harsh upbringing and/or grew up in poverty because she also went through hell while growing up, while Lola did have a pretty harsh life that is ironically a factor in why Cathetine dislikes her so much.
She sees herself in her, as they were both essentially forced to become houseworkers from a young age for one reason or another. But since Lola never tried to change that status or pursue genuine passions she had in life, bending to other's wills and becoming incredibly submissive as an adult because of that, Catherine absolutely loathes her because in her eyes she's looking at the kind of person she could very well have become if she didn't take certain paths in life and she hates that so so much, tho the "I relate to you heavily" keeps her from despising this girl in the same way she does with John and Amos. And hey, i do think that in certains situations she may be kind with her for once, there's just a heap of weird feelings and (self) hate involved.
Continuing on the dislike section we have Claire and really the main reason she dislikes her is because at the start of termina Claire follows her around trying to see if she can overhear any news about Kaiser's supposed plan of invading Prehevil, Catherine is from his army after all and if she's there Claire believes she can maybe check if those rumors hold true. Naturally, Cathy dislikes being stalked, which is made worse by the fact that Claire takes pictures of her around town (Catherine hates her appearance) which in turn leads to Cathy destroying her camera in a bit of a squabble during day 1 morning.
The thing is that this dislike can turn into gratitude and slight respect if Claire is the one to find and listen to her in the bop's hideout during day 1 night (which is Cathy's recruiting event), so much so that she is the only one of the playable characters of who Catherine will tell that she was indeed sent to Prehevil to scout the place and report when would be the best time for the army to invade it + how now she plans on calling them to come anyway so that they can be killed by the moonscorches as a revenge of sorts since by this point she believes Kaiser send her there to die (essentially saying she is disposable and you bet she hated that idea a lot).
Lastly we have Addison and Matyas who are in the dislike/intrigue mixture for basically the same reason of Catherine finds them incredibly annoying and can't stand being around them, Addison because of how paranoid and scaredy he becomes when termina starts and Matyas for his delusional ramblings and scaredy cat-ness as well.
Onto the neturals we have Hilda and Anatol who she really doesn't hold much of an opinion on. Hilda doesn't talk to her and she won't bother going after her either but she does find Anatol tolerable, mainly because he is Ebba's boyfriend and she likes both Ebba and Mary for the previously mentioned soft spot she has for girls who grew up in terrible environments. Tho i would say she likes Mary a bit more than she likes Ebba because she finds her ability to keep on living/fighting despite being incredibly injured impressive from a medical standpoint + Ebba taking advantage of Mary upsets her a little.
Lastly we got the Vinson brothers which are a source of intrigue to her because Cathy never had a good or even normal relationship with her sister so she likes observing the two out if wondering if that's how siblings are actually meant to be, she can tell that despite arguing and butting heads quite often both Damian and Leslie care a lot for one another which is something she finds both sweet and saddening because Madeline has never had this form of genuine care for her even after she started being nice to her.
While she is somewhat similar to Damian due to both of them being very no-nonsense sort of people who focus on their goals above most other things, they don't actually get along that well? They will work fine if they're sticking together for survival but if left on their own devices they will probably just never talk because Damian finds her sketchy/suspicious/potentially dangerous and since Cathy can tell he looks at her weirdly she will act accordingly.
Leslie on the hand is the person she likes the most out of the entire cast, surprisingly because i feel at first glance she didn't thought much of him and only really started interacting with him out of being curious about the brothers. A handful of the things he'd say to her confused her immensely because she could not tell he was trying to show interest in her out of never having had anyone come towards her with that sort of intention, when he did make that clear with some kind of straightforward compliment it also confused her a lot but more as a form of denial of sorts.
Catherine is really funny to because she will be a spiteful power hungry asshole that is some level of rude to basically everyone she knows on a daily basis but she will crumble into an emotional mess the second someone reasures her that she is not an eyesore. Physical appearance is Catherine's deepest insecurity both due to the scars on her face and her body shape in general, so the idea that another person can like it let alone find her attractive is absolutely mind boggling to her. Knowing Leslie likes her that much makes her incredibly flustered but also drawn to him more and more through the festival since she longs to be loved even if Cathy herself would never admit it. (This isn't to say he only likes her for the looks tho, what made him set his eyes on her was Catherine being creepy and weird)
#Leslie does have loose ties to the sylvian cult due to things that happened in his blackstory. but Catherine doesn't know that and#it's not something he tells people about even tho he wants to break ties from those people#if it did got revealed at some point in story? yeah she would react pretty badly#but a different kind of bad from her usual hate filled yelling. she would be way more upset/sad over it than actual angry at him#because this is the first person that's loved her and that she loves too#and knowing the bit she does about the sylvian cult she may think he was only being kind and complimenting her#out of wanting to sleep with her (which is absolutely NOT the case) and the idea would be deeply upsetting for her#which in turn would make Leslie distraught because that's someone he genuinely cares for thinking he's#hardly different from his abusers so yeah#not fun#but hey maybe they can work things out and fix the misunderstanding before the fucked up moon#moonschorches both of them into twisted versions of one another haha#fear and hunger termina#fear and hunger oc#termina oc#termina 1st round#Catherine winfried#hyena ramblings
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Painted Catarina Armour, trying to recreate the grey-white in-game render.
#siegmeyer of catarina#siegward of catarina#dark souls#dark souls 3#miniature painting#catarina armor#dark souls 1#dark souls board game#miniature#i will say trying to go for the usual 40k-ish basecoat - recess shade - edge highlight technique has not worked as well with this one#it is 90% because i am a new painter but also i rather suspect the curves of this model make that technique a bit difficult#and also dark souls boardgame tokens have thinner and more delicate details than gw stuff and they are far harder to outline#i've had more luck with drybrush personally. eygon turned out beautifully with mostly drybrush#i should post those photos too haha
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Got the idea from @gayballs-mcgee of doing a six year comparison, so why not? Me from April 2017 shackled to my friend vs me right now with an ungroomed beard bein’ cranky.
#personal#me#I’m not really cranky guys don’t worry#or at least not crankier than usual#I have so few selfies from that far back haha#it wasn’t until the last couple years I’ve gotten more comfortable taking pics
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It's pretty hillarious when I have to use my dead name for medical settings or whatnot and Alfie is with me bc we're both gnc enough that like. 80% of the time people assume they're the feminine one
#which i mean comparitively they are lmao#theyre on estrogen and i have pcos so like. if im binding i DO look more masc than them#very fun gender times for both of us but always kind of funny when i have to be like. haha yeah no thats me (:#they usually dont ask me to come with them for medical stuff but same thing has happened with like#picking up parcels in their deadname and people assume its me#something something proof that gender esentialism is bullshit and the average person CANNOT tell trans from cis unless its glaringly obvious
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heyheyhey. do you guys wanna know a secret :}
#a reason i like yoimiya so much; especially compared to other fem characters; is because she has more obvious proof of a journey through-#-femininity. this is also a reason i like shikimori so much!#becaus etheres an entire episode where we learn about shikimori's journey through femininity#she is such a major reason i realized that i need to go on one myself#and yoimiya idk. like. i don't really care much for genshin lore BAHAHAHAH#and i haven't looked at her voice lines in a bit but#idk. she just. theres a lot more to her than there is in canon idc she's more than what she was made to be and i love her for that!!!!#but yea elaborating on honestly not usually liking fem characters as much as masc ones. even though i dont even like guys im a lesbian JDSF#but it's because they're all made just to be people. and i lvoe all hte characters i love#but i feel like so many fem characters could be so much more than they were given the chance to be if there was a hint of a journey in her#so many just feel too hollow; especially compared to the masc characters they interact with#shikimori by herself was just a fun character. a strong girl who enjoyed being soft#but getting the background of she did karate because her brother did; she left because her brother did; she followed every trend because-#-everyone else did; she kept her hair short because her brother did; she never did anythign her brother didn't explicitly do or tell her to#and then one day he told her to be more. and so she decided to be more.#idk i just think more fem and honestly masc characters should have hints of a journey through any sort of identity!!#whether it be gender or sexuality or general personality or presentation via fashion or anything!!!!!#show me them at a young malleable age and show me them growing out of that and becoming a beautiful person but beautiful in a way only THEY#-could be. and while we didn't get that for yoimiya#i can stillfeel it. maybe im just making stuff up but. like i said earlier; she feels like so much more than the canon made her to be#adn i really love that :)#i should sleep soon but i just got my spotify workin again and catabolic seed is playingg#i lov eyou all <3#thank you for reading my rant haha#:shroom is typing...#:shroomiya:#kisses kisses!! <3
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so idk how to explain when I think someone is good looking
because it's a rare occurrence and like I just agree that they look good, that have some charm but that's that
I don't actually want to pursue anything with them or be sad if they have a partner or think about them after that or smth, idk what people actually do or think when they see someone attractive ??? (I've seen people try to give them their contact info and I'm like what but you don't know them ???)
that being said, I had never seen Bruno Mars before but that man is (was?) good looking
pretty wild because when i notice it's about women not men
but I was watching some videos and I'm like ??? how ??????
#Regina Spektor is beautiful too and i want to print the cover of the single Fidelity#but idk just that haha#ive seen girls that are so cute and their attitude#but just that#i don't actually understand when people are like oh my god look at the person and I'm like ok i guess#but like with men is way harder#a lot of times i just think i gueeeess they're good looking? idk man I'm just vibing#this is funny because I only know locked out of heaven hahaha no other song bt i love it i don't care if it talks about sex#it's not annoying and i love the the bridge? idk about music terminology#who else id attractive? idk a sweet girl i met years ago she was playful and cute (and later i learned she was a lesbian lol) but eh#*is#and some random women I've seen that I'm like oh she looks cool#wait fuck is this a “i want to be with her or i want to be her?”? lol#it's too complicated so ehh#also it's not relevant because i prefer a really close friend bestest friend like soul mate as partner but like#the *implications* fuck#how that one post said#i don't want a relationship like that but also more than friendship like the one friendship advanced but that's romance but#but not too much please but also don't leave but i don't want sex things but ok intimacy ok but not too much but but but#fuck it#why is everything so hard#hi people reading my notes usually they compose more than the actual post lol i like to ramble haha#*tags not notes
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here's your daily reminder that bunny mask does, in fact, 'feed' by sharing people's energy with herself through physical contact. so, all i have to say is, if your muse allows bunny to make a connection with them like that — then she may or may not be proposing to them okok ( LMAO, nah, i'm just kidding. but i think at some point in her relationship with tyler, bunny told him about this. and thus... if your muse is also in romantic ship with her, then she will likely do the same thing 👀 so there's just a little fun tidbit for y'all tehe )
#SOMETHING FEELS AMISS: musings.#ooc post.#LET ME TEACH YOU: headcanons.#yeahhh. and whenever i say physical contact i usually mean things like kissing + doing... more than that BUT bunny can also 'feed' -#off of more platonic gestures like hugs but bunny will only do so if your muse okay's it because it does kind of exhaust the other person#though just temporarily OFC. however it is still something she doesn't want to force anyone to feel if they aren't comfy with that-#because bunny is both known for sometimes surpassing what is seen as 'acceptable' by society's standards whenever it comes to-#how close she wants to get to someone after knowing them for a little while if she really likes them BUT she also simultaneously-#doesn't want to make anyone feel like their boundaries are being breached / disrespected so she'll always make an effort to ask-#if she can before touching someone so yeah haha. bunny may have some darkness in her BUT she understands that some people-#are not as okay with being touched as much as other's / may not even be okay with being touched at all
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on todays episode of "mental health issues that could easily be solved by one single thing that i dont have", GET A MICROWAVE!!!
i just know SO many of my eating related issues (not all obviously but a LOT of them) would be solved if this house just had a goddamn microwave
today i ate like... 1/4th of those small frozen pizzas, 1/3rd of a grilled cheese, and 1/3rd bowl of macaroni and meatballs. and yall wanna know why i didnt eat the whole thing of any of them? its cause my stupid adhd ass took too long to eat and the food got cold. and then i Cannot Eat That anymore. so even though i was still hungry i didnt eat the rest of it and just went back to rotting on youtube shorts and being too hungry to do anything and feeling dumb and unproductive and being guilty of making food that i dont eat. just... feeling like a big ol' waste
but the thing is, if i just
✨owned a microwave✨
i could just reheat the motherfucking food and still eat it and not feel like ive wasted that food. ((because since that food is wasted i feel guilty about making it, so i dont make any more food until next meal time, but then i didnt finish that either cause im stupid and eat too slow.))
but we dont have a microwave. only an oven. and yeah maybe i couldve reheated the 3/4th pizza or the grilled cheese in the oven, but then again the oven uses a lot of electricity. and my mom is always complaining that i turn the oven on, forget that its on for a while, and that im wasting electricity. and i was too tired and hungry to deal with that possibility. plus with the oven theres a chance i forget it too long or have it too hot and burn the food and that would just make me feel worse
but we dont have a microwave, because my mom thinks having a microwave leads to "eating more unhealthy foods that you just heat up" instead of "real food". so i didnt reheat any of my food. so i didnt eat it. it got to the point where it got cold and gross so i just threw it in the trash and hope my mom or grandma doesnt notice.
but if i had a microwave, i couldve reheated that food. and i couldve eaten it. ((and yeah, maybe i wouldnt have ate the whole thing, but maybe half at least? that counts right? well it dont really matter if it counts or not cause it didnt happen.))
and then maybe i wouldnt have been feeling like im gonna faint the whole day and maybe i wouldve gotten literally anything done instead of just scrolling on pinterest and youtube shorts for hours and feeling worthless. and maybe if i ate i wouldnt have hurt myself today
but nope. no microwave. it leads to "unhealthy" habits. i guess not eating enough to count as even ONE full meal is healthier since its not "microwave food"
thanks mom
#tw eating issues#tw self harm#btw to my irl friends. if you see this no you did not#sorry honey if you see this. cause i know you like my mom and think shes really nice#which she is!! most of the time aha#the hurting myself happened bc i usually have sprinkled cheese on my macaroni and meatballs#but i used all the cheese in the sandwich that i binned#which made me feel like such a fucking idiot and a waste#so i started crying#and i took the metal lid from the boiling macaroni pot and pressed it to me leg for like 10 seconds straight#fun fact: im really good at muffling any sound when im in pain. haha#it didnt feel like enough though. my knife drawer had stuff infront of it but theres a loose screw on my table#so i ripped that across my skin a couple times#some blood came out but not “enough” pain#so then i had the very strong urge to hurt MORE#and intrusively imagined what id be like to take a knife and drive it into my stomach#which was a little shocking cause i havent had THAT thought in a while#AND THEN i remembered i have my swedish final on monday and i have to make a speech and i havent even chosen a topic yet#and that ill have to meet the swedish teacher that is the reason for the only times i have ever cried or cut at school#and then i had another like... daydream hallucination thing about telling my asshole swedish teacher#that the reason i dont have a speech is cause i realised id see him on monday and wanted to kms :3#kinda still feel like cutting and i scratched myself with the sharp screw a bit more but at least venting about this helped a little#yall if i look my teacher in the eyes and tell him he makes me want to kms and that his behavior and attitude HAS made me cut myself#and that i pray to god he treats his own children better than he treats his students#think hed let me skip the test? yes or no?#god i feel so dizzy rn#but i dont wanna make more food and have to throw it away. i wish we had snacks in this house#wish’s whispers#personal vent#this was a lot of tags aha
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absolutely unreasonable over this coworker that i rlly like rn. thank god i don't like men or i would have fucking Lost it by now! as it is i don't even know what has me so dkfjghsdf about him i'm just sitting there with my head in my hands going "he's so normal about trans people..."
#he's a like. fr nerd guy which i don't know if i have a value judgment for but! it gets me points cause i can pull out nerd shit too#thought he was Significantly older than me but he is only four years older than me and not the estimated six. so it's not that bad#once i'm twenty in like three months it really will not be that weird for me to be friends with people in their twenties.#YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS. HE'S NOT NERDY HE'S GEEKY. DIFFERENT VIBE BUT DEFINITELY MORE LIKE ME#like. ordered a working spiderman mask online but also likes my alt radio station. y'know#and he wants to be my friend too!!! we talk nd have similar senses of humor#and he says hi + bye to me every time he sees me AND says my name every time which i think is a like. positive sign#when people take the time to say 'hi [name]!' i think that's a like. 'i'm invested in being friendly with you' thing#AND AGAIN!!! HEAD IN MY HANDS!!!! HE'S SO NORMAL ABOUT TRANS PEOPLE!!!!!!#went 'wow. it's the ignorance' when one of the kids asked about my dead name (kid obviously did not know what being trans entailed)#and when i went 'i mean adults ask me that too' he went 'what??? fr??? people are so uneducated :/' like a little disgusted ab it#which. dude. what a fucking world. so normal about trans people that like. not being normal about trans people is a foreign concept#not EVEN transphobia just not being educated on what's decent to ask a trans person!!! NOBODY knows that stuff!!!!#except for skye my best friend skye apparently. this dude is so fucking normal about trans people#laughs at my jokes about being trans!!! consistently!!!!! is rlly cool about it!!!!!!!#made a joke about using my dual citizenship to go check on the girls who were taking a really long time in the bathroom#and he found it as funny as i did and like. that's a kind of joke u'd usually have to share with other trans/queer people... idk...#would also make that joke with my coworker who is gay. but he's also really chill about me being trans haha#anywayyyyyy i don't know if he's queer or anything (strikes me as straight) but it's. god. world-changing#AND HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. WHO HE TALKS ABOUT A NORMAL AMOUNT. VERY POSITIVE THING#so i don't have to worry about things being weird at all :D#and he knows for sure i'm 19 and is chill about it. which. i was the only one making that a big deal but it's a relief all the same haha#asked how old i was (talking about graduating from college in a year nd a half) and gave me a FIST BUMP when i told him.#A FIST BUMP. WHO DOES THAT.#straight people. that's who. guys who are just guys.#guys who make me go 'oh so i DO want guy friends who are my friends in a 'we're both guys' way. those other guys just suck'#which i don't really want but ALSO. he's normal about trans people! so he recognizes me as a guy no matter what i look/sound like!!#my like. supervisor's supervisor made a joke about him being childish and like. girl.#idc frankly that's skye my best friend skye you can't tell me shit about him we listened to the radio while driving the kids to the beach#valentine notes
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