#more evidence to the fact that on a regular basis i am going through life sober as a stone

[numetaljackdog]

i'm like a little kid in many regards of immaturity but one of them is that bc i honestly don't drink caffeine super often, it like super affects me when i do. very much possess the energy of the kid on the playground who had too much sugar and is running around yelling and being annoying

[marisandini-chu-blog]

Is it just me? There's no way it's just me.

But the concept of Danny Phantom having Protection as his Core Obsession is NOT WOKE.

Let me elaborate, and I don't care who doesn't read it.

So... let me just say "Protection as Obsession" I love it. The plot device makes use the inhuman quality of Danny being half-ghost combine with his human decency.

But then I see a lot of fics starting to strech this concept as Angsty as possible which results to Danny suffering a symptom called "I must save people on a regular basis because of my compulsion" or "My core will hurt me and I'll suffer if I ignore a cry for help"

And immediately I'm like "Nopenopenopenope!" because that's not what makes Danny Fenton a hero.

Look, I get it. You want the angst. Heck, if the Phandom is a ghost, I'm pretty sure its obsession is Angst with a capital "A". That's how obsessive y'all are and I love you guys for it. And I also know the main core of the fic will always show that Danny is a True Hero.

Which is why I feel people are lost of what makes Danny Fenton a hero outside of the angst.

Which is the fact Danny choose to be a hero.

When Danny became a halfa, he hadn't realize it yet, but he was already acting like a hero before deciding to be one. In the first episode, and ectopuss was the first ghost he fought off screen, and considering his fast reaction, that might not have been the first ghost he fought.

In fact, considering Danny wasn't just hiding his Halfa status, but also the portal working and the existence of ghosts, he might have just been kicking ghosts back to the GZ way earlier but with the mindset of "HOLY CRAP I TURN TO GHOST! THERE ARE GHOST! MY PARENTS CAN'T KNOW THIS OR I MIGHT GET IN TROUBLE! I DON'T KNOW FOR WHAT BUT I WILL!"

The sort of teenage panic when you did something you weren't supposed to do and ended up trying to erase ALL the evidence.

I don't even think Danny knew he died. All he know was that he became something different that might cause him to be ostracise by his peers and family. He doesn't know how his condition might affect his future. He was 14 year old kid, and had a life-altering accident that would change how he live his life from that point forward and wasn't sure what to do with being able to go through walls, disappear, and fly.

Danny was 14 years old and was reasonable confused and scared for himself.

Him dying, was ironically, the last thing on his mind when he has living shit to do.

But then the Lunch Lady happen, and after facing the first sentient ghost, and at the end of the day finally had the revelation of "Hey, my powers aren't so bad and scary when I use them for a purpose, which is to help people." (Boy, is this boy dense. You've been doing that the whole time, Danny.)

Danny Fenton became a hero to feel good about himself. Danny Fenton became a hero to accept himself.

And I think that's such an important take away that a lot of fans miss, the fact that Danny Phantom is a persona for Danny to learn to be comfortable with all aspect of himself; whether it'd be his ghost abilities, his personality, his new-found responsibility, and identity. It's a self-discovery journey most teens finds him the most relatable, especially combine with a lot of episodes has Danny struggle to be accepted by the A-List before deciding he's better off being a better version of himself.

That's who Danny Phantom is.

So when fics degress his heroic actions into "obsession" that he has little control over, it makes Danny Phantom into a forced identity set by a younger version of himself to an older, jaded version of him that no longer being able to accept himself is awfully tragic to me.

Where am I going with this???

Oh yeah, so this is basically my rant for Obsession to be more flexible for a halfa so Danny can use the persona "Danny Phantom" as the best version of himself in more fics.

But that might be difficult with all the vivisiction-obsessed character out there, and you nutjobs (affectionately) running most of the fandom.

[mistressoftheelderitchwhorehouse]

Shift (Kunikida x Black!Reader)

Just a little Kunikida x Reader for the Black plus sized girlies. Thought of this while lazing around, ironically enough. Moments of sweet indulgence are my favorite.

Trigger Warnings: None

______________________________

Kunikida lived his life by his ideals. All written out on crisp, white paper and with blod, black ink. Inside he had detailed a beautiful Japanese beauty that he had faith exsisted. He also had faith that this beauty would fall for him, and the two would begin walking down their structured path hand in hand.

However, that had changed on an early morning chasing Dazai around Uzumaki Cafe. With the gentle ring of a bell, you had walked in with a grin on your lips as you chatted with the woman next to you.

You were not a Japanese beauty. In fact, you were very clearly a foreigner with your dark skin, curls arranged in an afro, and your body shape being far curvier and plush than the majority of people he saw on a daily basis.

Dazai dropped the pen he had snatched from Kunikida, and twisted around fully to smile at you both.

"Good afternoon, ladies! First timers to this establishment?"

The Japanese woman flushed dark red and nodded, while you raised an eyebrow. "I take it you are a regular?"

"That I am." He hopped up and took you hand, turned it over, and pressed a kiss to your pulse point. "My name is Osamu Dazai. And clearly you must be the Nightshade come to choke me to my wonderful end-ACK!"

Kunikida snatched Dazai back by his neck and squeezed down until he felt the idiot begin to choke. "I apologize for his behavior, Ladies. He has a condition called stupidity."

"Maybe you should turn him on then off again?"

"He tries. Constantly."

"I'm still here you know!"

The Japanese girl shook her head and tugged on your arm. "Sweetheart, I'm starving."

"Oh, sorry darling." You gave another grin, and went over to a booth.

Kunikida sighed and dragged Dazai back to the counter, scolding him the entire time. When Dazai, maybe out of boredom, made a point about the case they were working on Kunikida easily shifted back into his groove. Evidence examination, scrambling through files, and consuming more coffee than what was probably good for his heart.

Yet, every so often your laugh would ring through the store and he couldn't help but look at you. Pink nails traced what he gathered was your girlfriend's hand, your eyes sparkled with joy, and you spoke animatedly in your mother tongue.

"Well look at that." Dazai said. "Now who's the distracted one?"

Kunikida looked away from whip cream covered face, you and the cream puff apparently had a misunderstanding, and back to an amused Dazai.

I am not distracted. You told me to give you a minute."

"Which passed forty two seconds ago."

"Dazai, you know as well as anyone else that it is an expression and not to be taken literally."

"And yet that has never stopped you before." Kunikida opened his mouth, but Dazai cut him off. "I didn't think you could even have a crush on a foreigner to be honest. Not with your ideals in your pocket. Did you leave your notebook at home today?"

"She clearly has a partner-"

"And? The heart wants what the heart wants." Dazai smirked as he glanced at you again. Your face was clean, and you were looking into a compact while you reapplied the plum purple lipstick. The Japanese girl had switched to Japanese and was saying something rather quietly. "The President always says that oppertunities are part of our own hard work, but also that of fate giving her assistance."

"And what does that supposed to mean?"

Dazai didn't respond as he turned back to the files on the counter. "So, this tiger is causing more damage than we thought."

"You say something as bleak and mysterious as that, and then you want to go back to the case!"

"It's important." The Japanese girl walked past them, and Dazai reached out and stopped her. She flushed red and twisted the strap of her bag. "Careful on the road tonight, ma'am."

"Of course! Thank you for the warning."

Kunikida rolled his eyes, but when he went to turn back to his work, he could hear you sniffling. He peaked a glance at you, and was surprised to see what had once been a face full of sunshine, now full of tears. The makeup you had just fixed only half an hour ago, was now running down your face.

"Oppertunities, huh?"

He stood up, and pulled out a crisp, white handkerchief. He held it out to you without looking at your face. You took it without a ward, but that soft hand brushed his own and he felt something inside him shift.

Suddenly his ideal was a woman with dark skin, an interesting sense of humor, and a smile like the sun...

[quantumspacetime]

A Letter to My Absent Father (A Father's Day Musings)

Unfortunately, I’m part of the statistic of fatherless children. Although I am proud and blessed to be the son of a strong-willed woman, I also know that if my father would have been responsible, I would have grown up with a “complete family”, but that will never happen anymore.

I just want to preface this by saying that I have a great mother, uncles, and cousins, and I had a sister who supported me in more ways than one, but it does not equate to having an actual, physical father, which is not to say that their love for me was never enough. I just think that there is no stage in life where you can truly “get over” not having a father.

I’m reminded of it when I look back on my past relationships; when my best friend could call and talk to her dad about car repairs and house maintenance, or when I would see my cousins with their good relationship with their fathers. It’s a constant pain that thumps faintly and then spikes when the situation arises.

And after 24 years, I think it is time to tell you how I feel. So here it goes, my moment of release, therapy, and final eviction of all of the pain, and the years of carrying heavy emotions I had for my father.

Dear Pa,

Even using that word brings up images of pain, lonely nights, and years of questioning why I wasn’t enough for you. While I have forgiven you for only being human, the question remains: How on earth could you have abandoned me?

This letter is not to be hateful towards you. In fact, this letter was actually very hard for me to write. Throughout my life in the absence of you, I have learned that sometimes water is actually thicker than blood. Our paths have crossed from time to time, but the route always quickly faded.

I needed you and you just didn’t care. I wonder, how does one sleep at night not knowing if their own flesh and blood are breathing, eating, safe, and secure? I’m not sure if your lack of presence was a blessing or a curse. For years I have been waiting for you to step up and be a father. A simple phone call would be all it would take. Not just one phone call, but calling on a regular basis. A simple request to go out to eat and talk. The thing is, if you did that now, we would sit across from each other in silence–awkward silence. We would have nothing to talk about. We don't know each other.

Pa, it is not my job to try to foster this relationship. Nevertheless, I have tried for so many years to try to form some sort of relationship between us, but you always seemed less than interested. I have reached out so many times, but you have made little to no effort in trying to get to know me, your own son. I know how to get ahold of you, but I have no reason to do so. You have the title of “Papa” but the only reason you have that is because you are half of the reason why I am alive right now. There is no evidence of a connection deeper than that.

I do wish we had some sort of a relationship. I truly do. I had to grow up watching my friends have relationships with their fathers. It was strange. It was interesting. Ultimately, it was heartbreaking. It was heartbreaking knowing that I will never have that, or if I ever do, it will be right now, when I am older, and not when I needed it the most as a kid. It’s funny, really, that you were the first man to ever break my heart.

But you know what? Even though you have put me through countless hours of crying, and feeling hopeless because I just wanted to know what life would be like with you, I still do not hate you. Yes, you have hurt me, but you have taught me many things from hurting me. So I guess I just want to say thank you for everything you have taught me that you didn’t even know you were teaching me. Without your absence, my relationship might not be as strong as it is now with Mama. She is my cheerleader, the person I talk to when I feel like nobody will listen. She always says how proud of me she is, but I am just as proud of the woman she is. How she has raised me, and how she was there for me when you were never there.

You have taught me what not to be. You have shown me that one day when I have children, I will be the exact opposite of you. I will be loving, a good listener, caring, and most of all, I will be present. You have taught me how to forgive. I have accepted your failure to be in my life, and I have forgiven you for this a long time ago. I have forgiven you for the apology I have never received.

Most importantly though, I just want to thank you for being a huge part of making me who I am today. I’m sorry that you missed out on something and someone so great. But I guarantee that I won’t let your actions break me. Despite not having you around, I turned out to be a pretty great person, Pa. I plan on going places and making something of myself. Even though I have no reason to make you proud, I do. That is what I have been trying to do my whole life, make you proud. I thought if I could make you proud, you would stick around. Age, however, has taught me that pleasing people won't make them stay. I want you to stick around because you want to.

This Father’s Day, I will smile and celebrate the good fathers around me. This day is about the fathers who stuck around, not the ones who walked away.

With love,

Your pinakapoging anak

love always,

Gerson

[thekisforkeats]

Ooh jm + shy kiss for the prompts?

Ohhh good one! I had to think about this a little and actually wrote up a bunch that didn't quite work at first. But! Here it is!

Set somewhere in the first few minutes of 160, in those weeks between arriving at the safehouse and Hazel Rutter. Featuring autistic Martin trying to navigate social situations because that is evidently what I write now.

(Incidentally the term "weak ties" was coined by a Stanford researcher in 1973. Link to the relevant paper. Credit where due, and all.)

(No beta no edits we die like archive assistants.)

.

.

.

It takes Martin a week to convince Jon to come down into the village with him.

If he's being honest with himself--and he's trying very hard to be honest with himself these days, so he can identify any Lonely-type thoughts--he really just wants to show off his boyfriend to the nice lady at the little shop in the village where he's been picking up essentials.

Martin is a naturally friendly person, or maybe a naturally personable person. This was not always the case; he had to practice a great deal to memorize all the scripts to smooth social interactions that other people seem to navigate without thinking about it at all. It can be horribly exhausting, just going to the shops. It's one of the reasons the Lonely appealed to him; how much easier to just move through life without having to recite all those canned lines?

Now that he's out of its grip, he's come to realize how much those interactions matter. He's been reading a lot on the internet about depression and social interaction, about social circles, and one thing that caught his eye is the idea of "weak ties," those people we're not exactly friends with, but who we see on a regular basis and who help us feel connected to a larger community. People who don't really know us and yet know something about us that helps us feel seen. The bus driver who gives you a familiar nod every morning. the barista who's prepping your order as soon as he notices you in line, the shop lady who tries to keep your favorite tea in stock.

So Martin is trying to cultivate those relationships, to feel part of a wider community, rather than just relying on Jon. He thinks that maybe if he'd had more of that, before, if he'd tried harder to go through the world being seen, he might have handled Jon's coma and his mother's death in some kind of healthier manner.

Maybe not, of course, but he's going to use any tool he can to keep the Lonely at bay.

At any rate, even beyond being very good at social scripts, Martin does genuinely like people, he's a good listener, for an autistic guy he's practically a social butterfly. And Elspeth is a nice lady, maybe mid-40's, the kind of person who runs a shop because she actually likes interacting with a stream of customers on a regular basis. So she's just the sort of person for Martin to practice his "weak tie" skills.

Because, naturally, one of the key benefits of "weak ties" is that they are the sort of people you get to be public about your relationship with when none of your closer friends are around.

Yeah, no, all of the above is just flimsy justification, if Martin's being really honest with himself. He's just madly in love and wants literally everyone within a 500-mile radius to know.

That morning, Martin makes a big show of how badly he wants to spend time with Jon, no really, but he really does have to go down into the village.

"We're out of tea!"

"I don't think we have anything for dinner!"

"But I really want to keep listening to you talk about Scottish history!"

And so on.

Jon gives him a tolerantly amused look, and Martin flushes. Is he that transparent, or is Jon just that good at reading him?

"I suppose I can go into the village with you, Martin," he says, eyes glittering. "Since you're so terribly interested in the House of Stuart. I'd hate to leave you wondering what happened to James II."

Martin would feel guilty, but he can tell Jon is pleased to be "indulging" him, and it's not like Martin hasn't been listening to Jon infodump about whatever random facts Beholding's been given him all week.

They hold hands all the way down into the village, and it's nice, to walk through the place and be seen, together. It's comfortable. They'd held hands on walks before, long ago in London, before the Unknowing, but back then they hadn't been sure what they were, hadn't managed to broach the delicate barrier between "friends" and "something else." Now, they're "boyfriends," and Martin keeps finding himself wanting to go up to each person he sees on the street and shout, "This is my boyfriend, Jonathan Sims!!"

By the time they reach Elspeth's shop, he's feeling a little giddy.

He pushes open the door and the little bell rings, and Elspeth looks up from behind the counter and smiles. "Martin!" she says, and Martin's whole body warms in a very pleasant manner, that this woman he's only known a week remembers him. "Oh, and this must be the elusive Jon." She gives them one of those teasing smiles people give to new couples, glittering eyes and amusement at the silly things people do when they're in limerence.

"Yes," Martin says, and suddenly the words stick in his throat. "Yes, this is... is... umm..." Oh, why has he suddenly frozen like a deer in headlights? Why can't he remember the right words?

"Jonathan Sims," Jon says smoothly, stepping forward to offer the woman his hand. "And yes, I'm Martin's boyfriend."

It occurs to Martin, all at once, that neither of them have said that out loud to anyone else. No wonder he's frozen up.

Elspeth glances at the burn scars on Jon's hand only briefly, then smiles--and it's a genuine smile, not one of those pitying ones people sometimes put on when they see scars like that--and shakes said hand. "Pleased to meet you," she replies. "Elspeth Douglas." She has the Highland accent, but softened; she spent her 20's and 30's in London, she's said, and came back to take over the family store when her father fell ill. The similarity might be part of why Martin likes her--that and the fact that it seems that helping her sickened parent improved her life.

"Ahh, yes. The not-so-elusive Elspeth." Jon actually flashes a grin, which Martin finds remarkable. Since when is Jon... friendly? Well, maybe he's trying for Martin's sake. If so, Martin very much appreciates the effort.

The woman behind the counter laughs, and says, "How can I help you?"

"Oh," Martin manages, his brain catching up and letting his mouth work again, "we're just here for tea and things."

"Of course," Elspeth says. "I'll be here when you're ready."

They turn away, to go deeper into the aisles.

"She seems nice," Jon says almost absently. "Shame about her fa--" He pauses, and frowns. Shakes his head, looking irritated. "You didn't tell me about that," he grumbles.

"No, I didn't. But thank you for trying to keep it in," Martin says.

Jon sighs, lowering his voice. "It's becoming harder and harder to separate what I've learned on my own from what Beholding gives me. How much of my thoughts are mine anymore? Did I actually memorize all those facts about the House of Stuart, or am I getting the... mental Wikipedia page, as it were?"

"Seems like a thing you'd know," Martin comments offhandedly. He's focused on figuring out what kind of rice to buy. He wants to try his hand at sticky rice, which really should have calrose, but Jon likes jasmine rice. Do they get both?

He doesn't want to think about Beholding, and how much of it is Jon anymore. He prefers just thinking about it as something like a smartphone app Jon can use without having to actually have a phone in front of him. He does not want to think about how much of his boyfriend has been potentially consumed by some kind of eldritch thing that feeds on fear.

He really doesn't want to think about the idea that maybe soon, Jon won't even need rice anymore, and will just live off statements, no matter how much he jokes about his partner's "eating habits."

Jon has been talking as Martin's been staring at the rice, but Martin hasn't heard any of it. He's brought back to himself by a squeeze of Jon's hand in his.

"Hey," Jon says softly. "You okay?"

In Jon's voice, Martin hears all the concern that Martin himself has been feeling. He forces himself to look at Jon, and sees bright green eyes staring out of a deep brown face. He realizes he's gotten used to the color of Jon's eyes; before the coma, Jon's eyes were brown, like a deep carnelian, and so large and dark sometimes Martin thought he could fall right into them and be happy drowning there. Now they're green, bright and disarming, and Martin's pretty sure this is why Jon still wears glasses he no longer needs, to hide those strange eyes behind plastic lenses.

Those eyes are looking up at him intensely now, and Jon's brow is furrowed, and his mouth is pulled into a frown in a way that highlights one of the worm scars near his lip, and all of it is adorable, but it's also disconcerting for the contrast between the softness of his voice and the intensity of his expression.

Is Jon as afraid of losing Martin to Forsaken as Martin is of losing Jon to Beholding?

Martin frowns at him for a moment, then sighs. "I just..." He has to look away, back to the bags of rice. "I just... don't like thinking about that. Beholding, and... all of it. I just... I just wish..."

"You wish we could be normal." Jon's tone is still soft, and filled only with love and no sort of guilt or self-recrimination.

"Yeah," Martin says, still staring at the rice.

There's a hesitation, and then Jon says, softly and slowly, "You know... normal people deal with these sort of difficult things, too. There's so much out there that can hurt people... the things we deal with, they're weirder than most of the rest of it, but..."

"Yeah, I know, Jon, I just..." Martin hunches his shoulders. "Don't want to lose you again," he finally mumbles.

Jon hesitates a moment, and then he leans in to give Martin a soft kiss on the cheek.

Martin flushes bright red--Elspeth's right there!--and turns to stare at Jon. "W-what... what was... that for?!"

Jon, too, is blushing. "I just... ah... I just... wanted you to know that... that I'm... here. You haven't... lost me. Or anything."

"Oh," Martin says. "Well. Thank you."

There's a moment where they just look at each other, and then Jon blurts, "...Can I kiss you again? It's just, I haven't all morning, and I really sort of wanted to spend the morning cuddling, but you wanted to come down to the shops..."

"Here?!" Martin stares at him.

"We can go behind the shelves if you like," Jon says, blushing furiously.

For some reason, this makes Martin giggle, and then he leans down to brush his lips to Jon's. Softly, shyly, as if they haven't been kissing each other all week, because he really is terribly aware of the fact that there are other people around.

"Tell you what," Martin says as he pulls back, surprisingly breathless despite how short the contact of their lips was, "let's finish up the shopping and then we can cuddle all afternoon."

Jon smiles up at him. "Promise?" The smile widens. "You're not going to drag me around to introduce me to every villager individually?"

"I was not--!" Martin glares at him, but now Jon's smile has become one of those shit-eating grins he gets sometimes, and Martin can't stay mad at him at all.

"You knew," he accuses, but there's no heat in it.

"I had a hunch," Jon says, humming. "I didn't want to spoil your fun, though."

Martin rolls his eyes, and then reaches out to take Jon's hand again. "Well, then, we'd better get to it. Jasmine or calrose? Rice, I mean."

"Both, I think," Jon says. "I find myself very much desiring normality of late, and rice is a terribly normal sort of thing."

[colormeyondublue]

Chapter 8: Trenvik

Chapter 7 Here - Chapter 9 Here

The next morning, you wake up feeling a little nervous. Yondu’s words and anxious behavior are still fresh in your mind. You wonder to yourself who these disloyal men may be. You have an idea who a few might be, but they’ve never really bothered you apart from the occasional catcall. Most of the time if you made a snide comment back, they would leave you alone. You idly get ready and fix your hair in a braid. This morning feels strange.

A knock at your cabin door breaks your train of thought. You head toward the door, putting on that silver bracelet Yondu got you. You open your door and find the most unexpected face there to greet you.

It was Trenvik.

Trenvik was a race that you had never seen or heard of before boarding the Eclector. Kraglin told you he was Chorak. Apparently, they were an isolated kind and they were not sociable. He was…odd to say the least. He has lemon yellow skin, with puke green blotches covering his neck and face. His eyes are a piercing green with yellow speckles, and he has goat-like pupils. His facial features are sharp and hollow, and he is totally hairless. Trenvik leans against the doorframe with two of his 4 arms. The other two arms are above you, all 6 fingers gripping the ledge over your head. He was tall – very tall. You would guess around 7 feet. His body was lanky and lean. You recall he has a very unnerving gait to his walk. Something about him always made you very uncomfortable. Maybe it was the croaking sound that always seemed to seep from his throat when he would pass you on the ship. It could have been the fact that you had caught him staring at you a number of times in the mess. He’s never spoken to you – until now.

“Y/n.”

“Uhh…Hi. Trenvik – right?”

“Why are you hiding – in your room?”

His words are measured and unnerving. You begin to fidget with your feet, gripping the door handle tighter.

“I’m not hiding, I was actually getting ready to get some breakfast.”

“Breakfast? My dear, it’s almost halfway through the day. You are a bit late for that.” His mouth spreads into a nauseating grin. Sharp, needle-like teeth showing beneath his thin lips. He leans in closer to you.

“Oh my gosh! It’s that late?! I had no idea! I’m sorry, Trenvik, I really need to go.” You try to push past him through the doorway and pull the door closed behind you. “It was nice speaking to you!”

“Not so fast.” He grabs you by your wrist and pushes you against the wall next to your door. “Why are you in such a hurry to get away from me?”

“I – I’m not. I’m just late. I have to get to w-work.” You stutter.

He slowly releases his grip on you. His eyes travel up and down your body, as if he is trying to decide if you’re lying or not. “Very well. We can finish this later.” He finally says.

He takes one step back and you turn to run down the walkway toward your office. Trenvik watching you as you flee.

As you reach your office, you slam the door behind you, breathing rapidly. You start to feel tears welling in your eyes when your wrist comm dings. It’s Yondu.

“Yondu?”

“Hey Darlin’, you alright? I haven’t seen ya all day.”

“Yondu! Umm…yeah. I slept through my alarm. And I’ve been dealing with some weird anxiety today. I just feel strange. On top of that, Trenvik came to my door a little while ago.”

“What did he want?” He asked with clear aggravation in his voice.

“I don’t know. He was just trying to talk to me I think, but it felt creepy – like there was something else. His whole demeanor was sketchy.”

“You in yer office?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Stay right there honey, I’m on my way.”

The comm beeped again, and Yondu was gone. You let out a heavy sigh, and sit down at your desk. Music…I need music. You reach for your holopad and pull up the music files that Kraglin got you a few days prior. You begin to find more and more American music. That was a huge comfort to you, regardless of what era the music was from. A song that came through your speakers almost broke you. “Devil’s Backbone” by The Civil Wars. You heard some of their music when you were back home, but this song was new to you.

Oh Lord, Oh Lord, what have I done?

I've fallen in love with a man on the run

Oh Lord, Oh Lord, I'm begging you please

Don't take that sinner from me

Oh don't take that sinner from me

Oh Lord, Oh Lord, what do I do?

I've fallen for someone who's nothing like you

He's raised on the edge of the devil's backbone

Oh I just wanna take him home...

You begin to think about the events that unfolded that morning with Trenvik. What if something does happen? What if Yondu does make me go back to Earth? I can’t leave him. He’s everything I never knew I needed. He’s brave and strong and true. Sure, he’s a criminal…but I don’t care. Sure, he’s a pirate, but I love him. I don't want to live a life without him in it. You look up at the screen of the holopad and the tears begin to fall. The last thing you want is to be the reason that Yondu runs into trouble with his crew. You don't want to be the reason someone freaks out and he gets hurt. You definitely don't want to put him in a situation where he would have to hurt someone else. He’s been through so much in his life. From being a battle slave all those years ago, being exiled by Stakar, and now he’s questioning his crew’s loyalty.

...Don't care if he's guilty, don't care if he's not

He's good and he's bad and he's all that I've got

Oh Lord, Oh Lord, I'm begging you please

Don't take that sinner from me

Oh don't take that sinner from me

What you didn’t know, is that Yondu was already in the room. He’s been silently standing inside the door listening to the music, hearing the lyrics along with your short breaths.

“Y/n?” His voice is barely above a whisper.

“Yondu!” You whip around, tears evident on your cheeks. “I didn’t hear you come in. What did you need?”

“Baby…what’s wrong? Did Trenvik bother ya?” You think his words over and absentmindedly rub your wrist where Trenvik grabbed you earlier. Yondu sees this and he raises his voice, “Did he put his hands on ya?!”

“Well…yes. He grabbed my wrist in the walkway. I’m a little scared of him, but he didn’t say anything hurtful or inappropriate. I just don't like the feeling he gives me. It’s…intrusive and creepy.”

Yondu's expression then turns angry. Eyes flashing with a seething light. Just as he is about to speak, the comm on his wrist beeps and Kraglin could be heard. “Cap’n, the crew is gathered in the mess fer the meeting.”

“Thanks, Kraglin, I’m headed yer way.” Yondu’s eyes meet yours, and he sees how worried you are. He forces his emotions to calm. “I’m gonna go talk to the crew. I’ll get this settled sweetheart, just ya wait and see.” He caresses your jaw with his hand, and places a single kiss on your lips. “Do ya wanna come with me? Ya can stand by me if that makes ya feel better ‘bout the whole thing?”

“I guess so.” You shrug.

“C’mon, darlin’.” He leads you out the doorway and toward the mess. Once there, you and Yondu walk up toward the officers table at the front. The platform you follow him to is raised and Yondu leans in close to you.

“Stay close ta me, I don’t expect much trouble, but I’d rather be safe in case anyone decides to get stupid.”

You take one small step back, but stay near Yondu’s side. The men in the mess are talking amongst themselves loudly. Kraglin approaches the Captain and murmurs, “Everyone is here sir, they’re all yers.”

Yondu clears his throat and lets out one loud, sharp whistle. His arrow flys up to his ear, and the room is immediately silent. Your heart is beating quickly, and you put your hands behind your back so you can fiddle with your fingers without being seen.

“Now…I bet ya’ll are wonderin’ why I called everyone here. It’s been brought ta my attention that some ‘a y’all think that I am keepin ya on a short leash around y/n fer no reason. It ain't fer no reason. Y/n is off limits, because she’s mine! It’s safe fer ya'll ta assume that she is my girl. I don’t want ta hear another complaint from anyone on this ship about y/n being off limits. If anyone has a problem with that, you are free to depart one of two ways: at our next port, which would be Knowhere, or out the airlock! If I get even the tiniest wind of more talk regarding y/n or this mutiny crap that’s been floating around, I will not hesitate to send this arrow straight through yer skull! Is that clear!?”

A resounding “Yes sir!” echoed through the mess.

“Not a single one ‘a ya is ta lay a hand on her. You do not speak to her in a manner she doesn’t like, and if ya do ya’ll can believe that I will know about it, and I will skin ya alive.”

The murmurs began again as Yondu turns to say something to the first mate. You scan over the crowd nervously. You catch Trenvik staring straight through you from the back of the room. His icy stare sending the worst chills down your spine. You overhear some mention of the Captain going soft, and something about you being his personal whore. The word “whore” lights your blood on fire, and you begin to see red. The murmurers start to get louder and the room is clouded with harsh laughter. The noise starts to get overwhelming. Without thinking, you yell into the room as loud and you can manage. Yondu snaps his head in your direction at the sound of your voice.

“SHUT IT!!” Your fists are clenched and your arms are shaking. Yondu can see the rage burning in your eyes. Anger is an emotion he has never seen you wear before. He isn’t sure if he should stop you, or let you continue. He keeps his eyes on you while you speak.

“Most of you in this room only know me as the Secretary – so to speak. Some of you have never spoken to me, where as some of you,��� you glance in Tullk and Geff’s direction and smile softly, “talk to me on a regular basis. Yes, I am in a relationship with the Captain. Yes, I am his girl. Now, I have no authority here, but because I am his girl, I will not tolerate any mention of the Captain going soft! Some of you may have no idea what I am. Some of you might not be familiar with where I’m from. Sure, I’m Terran, but I’m more than that. I am human. We care for our own, deeply. We love, we defend and we protect. We Terrans may be small, we might be weak, and hell, we may not even be that smart by galactic standards – but back on my home planet, we have a saying: It takes a village. The meaning is simple…in order to survive, we have to work together. We have to care about each other. For thousands of years, my people have been beating the odds left and right. We’ve survived hostile environments, fierce predators, and devastating plagues. Just 4 Earth years ago, our global population reached over 7 and a half billion people! We survive because we figured out a long time ago that love is our strength, not our weakness.”

Apart from your words, the room is so quiet you could hear a pin drop. You take a big breath in, and continue.

“The point is, this crew could be a whole hell of a lot better off if you guys would trash this idea that caring about someone makes you soft! It’s absolutely ridiculous! Love can bring on a strength in each and every one of you that you never knew you had. It doesn’t even have to be romantic love, it can be something as simple as friendship and respect for one another, and for your Captain. Just know that this entire crew would be so much stronger and much more resilient if you would consider my words. With this knowledge, and with Captain Udonta at the helm, this crew could do anything!”

The crew just stares back at you, with a mixture of bewilderment and confusion on their faces.

“However, Rome wasn’t built in a day. So…just think about it.” You smirk confidently, and cross your arms.

Yondu just stares at you. It’s hard to read what he’s thinking, as he remains expressionless. He looks back out over the crew. “Yer dismissed. Get back ta work!”

Kraglin discreetly says something to Yondu, and he glances at you before leaving the mess as well. Shit…I might have way overstepped my boundaries. Yondu is probably pissed. Great.

Yondu turns to you. “Yer done with yer work fer the day. Come with me.” You follow Yondu out of the mess and straight to his quarters.

[lamesiscanon]

Mistletoe

Day 5 of the holiday prompt list posted by @remus-john-lupin  I also did not read this again for mistakes so pardon those... anyways,

 The plan was christened as Sirius Black’s Five Step Method to Get Remus Lupin to Date Him. Or as James called it, Desperation at its Finest. It came together on a rather ordinary Wednesday evening in the dorm, where Sirius was lazily flicking sparks at James’ feet as the other boy slept. The appeal came from the quiet giggles and words like “Lily, stop that tickles” James would mumble sleepily, delighting Sirius to no end. This was prime blackmail material that Sirius would most definitely use as an advantage in the next coming weeks. 

Sirius had to bite his sleeve to keep his laughter from waking him up when James started puckering his lips against his pillow. Though, it turned out to be all for naught when Peter threw the door open with a bang. 

“Whazzat?” James sat up on his bed with his wand held out, though he held onto the wrong end. Sirius quickly hid his own under his duvet and turned his attention towards Peter, who was out of breath and full of sweat. 

“SIRIUS!” Peter shouted in a way of greeting, dumping his bag on the floor and slamming the door shut once again.

“PETE!” Sirius met his words with equal enthusiasm, though he had no idea what this was about. 

“JAMES!” James joined in, always ready to match his friends energy. Peter ignored him.

“Sirius, I just overheard a conversation in the library and Emmeline Vance is planning on asking Remus to the Christmas dance.” Peter let out in one breath as he searched through his trunk, pulling out a piece of parchment and a quill. 

“What?” Sirius and James both yelled in a panic, to which Peter explained everything he had overheard in the Library. Emmi’s Hufflepuff roommates had apparently talked her into asking Remus to the dance after Emmi herself complained about not knowing who to go with. Sona Pearce had suggested Remus because he was tall, kind, smart, and most importantly, mysterious as hell. The rest of the Hufflepuff girls had giggled at that, talking excitedly about how quiet and secretive Remus was. It was decided then, and declared by Emmeline that she would ask Remus Lupin to the Christmas dance. Peter had immediately run out of the library all the way to Gryffindor tower. 

And so that’s how Sirius Black’s Five Step Method to Get Remus Lupin to Date Him was born. Peter, as the scribe, James as the voice of reason, and Sirius as the anxiety ridden idiot in love. Together, they came up with the perfect plan to squash all of Emmeline Vance’s hopes and dreams. (Though, Sirius didn’t think she’d be too sad in the end, since she apparently didn’t have an actual crush on Remus.)

Sirius Black’s Five Step Method to Get Remus Lupin to Date Him (Desperation at its Finest) ((Shut the fuck up, James))

Step 1: Make sure Remus avoids running into Emmi Vance at all times. 

Step 2: Subtly show Remus that I, Sirius Black, am perfect boyfriend material.

Step 3: Ask Remus to the Christmas dance.

Step 4: Get Remus under the charmed mistletoe and kiss him until he forgets his name. (Stick your tongue down his throat) (Gettin’ Jiggy with it) (Peter, for the love of God, please never say that again.)

Step 5: Ask Remus on a date, become boyfriends, fall in love, get married, live happily ever after.

The first steps were surprisingly easy. Sirius managed to execute them without any complications, which was rare for a Marauder’s plan. The map came in handy when the first step was still in motion. All it took was a quick glance at the map after each class to make sure that they wouldn’t run into Emmeline on their way to the next class. A couple of times it was unavoidable, but Sirius would usually engage Remus in a conversation so he wouldn’t notice Emmeline trying to get his attention. And for the one time that Emmeline actually tried to come up to Remus and talk to him, Peter set off a well-timed dung bomb that set everyone running for fresh, clean air. He’d gotten detention for that, but Sirius was grateful enough to finish his potions homework for him for the next week. 

Step two was just as easy since Sirius usually complimented Remus on a daily basis and would help him with Transfiguration and Runes (the only classes Remus didn’t have the highest marks). He stepped up the game just a little by giving Remus his favorite sweets from a secret Hogsmeade run and organized his part of the dorm room before and after the full. Remus hadn’t acted like it was out of the ordinary, but he did thank Sirius and even gave him one of those secret smiles the two usually shared, so Sirius counted it as a very successful win.

Sirius was almost sure he failed the whole thing when it came to the third step, though. Actually asking Remus out brought up nerves that he usually only felt right before quidditch games. It ended up being a spur of the moment thing when the two were alone in the dorm, when Remus was getting dressed and Sirius was pretending not to watch. Sirius blurted the question before he could prepare himself for it. He thought the plan was completely fucked when Remus had only stared at him for a moment, confusion and concern evident all over his face. Sirius almost took it back, was about to play it off as a joke when Remus smiled and said “Sure, Pads. That sounds like a lot of fun.”

In the days leading up the the Christmas dance, Sirius learned that the fourth step wasn’t going to be as easy. Regular mistletoe wasn’t proving to be enough, so Sirius had to resort himself to charmed mistletoe, which backfired horribly when Peter had accidentally gotten stuck with him. Much to both of their disappointment, the charmed magic on the stupid plant didn’t settle for any cheek kisses. 

The one who the charmed mistletoe was actually meant for had jumped out of the way at the last second, but Peter hadn’t been so lucky. It frustrated Sirius, that Remus seemed to have memorized the layout of all mistletoe decorations around the castle and avoided it well. So far Sirius had been resigned to kissing Both Prewett twins (separate occasions, thank Merlin), Dorcas Meadowes, Sona Pearce, Isaac Ure, and poor Peter all because Remus was apparently afraid of mistletoe.

The actual day of the Christmas dance made Sirius feel excited, nervous, and frustrated in one go, but his hopes were up that tonight would be the night he could get Remus alone and under the damned magical plant. 

Remus was getting ready in the boy’s dorm while Sirius was dragged up to Lily’s because apparently it was “more romantic” to wait and see each other until they met up at the common room entrance. At least Sirius got the perk of having Marlene do his eyeliner.

As reluctant as he was to admit it, Lily was actually right about the extra romantic thrill of seeing Remus after walking out of the Fat Lady’s portrait. He cleaned up well, with a set of dark maroon robes that went well with his dirty blonde curls and honey eyes. Merry fucking hippogriffs, Sirius could barely manage from swooning straight to the ground when those eyes met his. And that stupid, beautiful smile that Remus gave him when those honey eyes took in every inch of Sirius. He was completely fucked.

Sirius was fucked when Remus laughed as the teachers took the first dance, he was fucked when Remus ate a sugar quill from the refreshments table, and he was fucked when a hand grabbed his to pull him out on the dance floor for their own dance. The night was one of the best of Sirius’ life, yet he still hadn’t managed to get Remus under the mistletoe. He got distracted by dancing with Remus once the music turned into more upbeat stuff, and then they met up with James, Peter, and their dates and sat around for hours laughing and talking about other couples they could see on the dance floor.

James nudged Sirius at one point, motioning to where Emmeline was dancing with Benjy Fenwick. Apparently Emmi Vance had a type, which was tall and smart bookish boys.

Sirius got so caught up in joking with Remus and Lily that he didn’t hear the announcement for the last song. Lily had been dragged away by her date, leaving Remus and Sirius alone at their table near the refreshments. 

“Come on, let’s finish the Christmas dance with a bang.” Remus said, holding out his hand for Sirius to take. Sirius was so excited to dance with Remus that he didn’t even process the fact that this was the end of the night and he still hasn’t kissed Remus.

In the middle of their jumping around and screaming, Remus pulled out his wand and made an unrecognizable motion to Sirius, but before he could ask, Remus put his wand away and continued to dance. The crowd cried for an encore when the song ended, nobody wanted to leave just yet. The band relented, though they announced that this was going to be a slow dance. Sirius shyly took Remus’ offered hand and led them both across the floor in twirls and slow sways.

The night was actually perfect. Even in Sirius didn’t get to kiss Remus, he always had tomorrow, or the next day, or even the next. He just wanted to be in this moment with Remus as they swayed and laughed, completely oblivious to everyone else around them.

“So I found something interesting today.” Remus spoke, jolting Sirius from his thoughts.

“Oh yeah?” Sirius asked, curious as to what Remus found and thought interesting enough to bring up during their dance. 

Remus smiled, reaching into the pocket of his maroon dress robes and pulled out a small piece of parchment that was torn at the edges. It sort of looked familiar...

“Sirius Black’s Five Step Method to Get Remus Lupin to Date Him.” Remus read aloud. “I thought it sounded quite interesting, so I picked it up.”

“Moony, no! You weren’t supposed to see that!” Sirius let of Remus’ waist to grab the parchment out of his hands, but Remus was quick at dodging the attempts. 

“Oh Merlin...” Sirius groaned, completely embarrassed. He wished that whatever deity was above would just smite him right then and there. 

“Well, it has my name on it so I didn’t have any qualms about reading it...” Remus cleared his throat and shook out the parchment to prepare reading the rest. 

“Step one, make sure Remus avoids running into Emmi Vance at all times. This one was interesting, since I have no idea what Emmeline has to do with any of this.” 

“She was going to ask you to the dance...” Sirius muttered. He was pretty sure this is the reddest his face has ever been, and there was no way to stop this torture. 

“Ah, I see. Step two,” Remus continued, “Subtly show that I, Sirius Black, and perfect boyfriend material.”

All Sirius could do was smack his hand to his face and keep wishing that he could somehow disappear from this whole mess. 

“Step three, ask Remus to the Christmas dance.” Remus read, sounding more amused as the moment dragged on. “Now, since we’re both here at said dance, I can only assume you deemed the first three steps successful, right?” 

Sirius didn’t answer, but Remus apparently wasn’t actually looking for one, he just continued reading. 

“Step four, get Remus under the charmed mistletoe and kiss him until he forgets his name.” 

They had stopped dancing at this point. Sirius was pretty sure it was because of him being to embarrassed to do anything but cover his face and listen as Remus read his own plan aloud to him. He felt rooted to the spot, no matter how much he wanted to run away and hide until graduation. Maybe the room of requirement would be a good place to live until then...

“I laughed and James’ and Peter’s inputs here. And suddenly, all your mistletoe mishaps made sense. It was hard to watch actually, nearly crushed all my hopes, but when I found this it all started to make sense.” Remus waved the parchment again and Sirius heard it flap. 

“Remus, please stop. I’m so sorry, okay? I promise I can just avoid you if you want that, but- wait? Did you say I crushed your hopes?” Sirius finally took his hand off his face, looking at Remus for the first time since he started reading. He expected to find disgust, but instead he saw Remus smiling that same, sweet, secret smile that they shared between the two of them. 

“Well, duh.” Remus shrugged, still holding that damned piece of parchment. “I don’t think anyone would like to watch the guy they fancy kiss six other people.” 

Sirius could only gape while his brain floundered for words to say. 

“You- you fancy me?” It came out as a whisper. 

“Of course I do, you daft mutt. Only for the past two years or so. How could I not?” Remus smiled again, and Sirius realized that the way he was looking at him was the same way Sirius would look at Remus when he thought the other boy wasn’t looking. Oh. This revelation brought back all of Sirius’ confidence, it seemed. He put his hand back on Remus’ waist to pull him just a little bit closer and plastered a smirk on his face. 

“Well then, what am I going to do about step four? It’s been bloody hard to check that one off, you know.” 

Remus laughed, and then pointed at the ceiling above him, revealing a single spot of charmed mistletoe. Well, that explains why Sirius felt so rooted to the ground earlier, then. And it explained Remus’ random wand movement earlier.

Sirius’ thoughts were cut off again, but he was more pleased by the cause this time. The pair of softest lips he’d ever felt were pushed against his own, and he hummed, perfectly content. 

Remus was kissing him, Remus was kissing him!

The song ended, and people around them applauded the band for their night of well-played music but Sirius and Remus didn’t even notice. Their own thought were filled with only each other. It was the best night of Sirius’ life. 

“Well,” Remus broke away, breathless from their kiss but still smiling, “You’ve already asked me out, and you got your kiss, so what’s next?”

Sirius laughed and pretended to think about it for a moment, head tilting side to side. Remus smacked him on the shoulder to hurry him along. 

“I’m pretty sure the next step was to become boyfriends.” Sirius beamed. 

“And happily ever after will come later.” Remus agreed, and then his lips were back on Sirius’ while both boys were completely oblivious to the rest of the people around them. 

[monotonous-minutia]

It’s here! The ridiculously long (about 9 pages on Word) and totally unnecessary literary analysis of the absolute gayness of one of my favorite operas!

you guessed it: Les contes d’Hoffmann. I spent way too many hours over the past months writing this thing.

I just think of all of this altogether too much so I decided to just write it all down in one place like the lit crit nerd I am.

As I’ve mentioned before, there is a LOT of evidence in Les contes d’Hoffmann that the two main characters (the titular Hoffmann and his friend Nicklausse, aka the Muse) are absolutely an item. To the point where I honestly can’t understand how a director can look at this opera and think “oh that’s not gay” and proceed to stage it as if it’s not. It is SO GAY. I can only imagine that directors who stage this differently are deliberately trying to specifically remove the gay content (e.g., taking out the Violin Aria, messing with edits, doing weird things with the productions that I won’t get into lest I fall into a rant and forget what I’m here to talk about).

For some, the only way to acknowledge that Nicklausse and Hoffmann are an item is it ignore the Nicklausse part and have the Muse be a girl for the entire opera. Because, well, we can maybe admit to the romance, but at least it’s not gay, right?

Well, no.

Often, we get a strange dynamic where productions can’t seem to decide how to mitigate the gayness. Is Nicklausse a girl so there’s no gay with Hoffmann? But what about when he’s flirting with Giulietta (and come on, it’s really hard to stage the Barcarolle, which is basically a love song, without Nicklausse at least vaguely flirting with Giulietta and vice versa, because they’re singing it together). How is that not gay if you insist Nicklausse is a girl? There’s no way to get around it.

No matter how you spin it, it’s gonna be gay. And like I said, if a production tries to insist otherwise, it’s specifically to push back against The Gay. That usually fails miserably for two reasons. One, those productions are garbage, I don’t care who the director is and how fabulous the rest of their work might be. And two, by trying their hardest to get rid of the gay, they are flat-out admitting that it is there. If it wasn’t so blatantly obviously gay, people wouldn’t try so hard to prove that it isn’t.

On another note, it’s pretty obvious that the character of Nicklausse/the Muse is genderfluid. The Muse introduces herself in feminine terms in the Prologue (and Muses are typically associated with femininity), but navigates the majority of the opera identifying as Nicklausse, who’s a man. Ironically productions that try to lessen The Gay get stuck on this because if Nicklausse is definitively a feminine Muse, she’s gonna be gay with Giulietta, in which case the only way to avoid that is to say that isn’t gay because Nicklausse is a man, and, well, whoops, you just admitted the character is genderfluid.

Like I said, there’s no way around it.

I feel like even this super-vague analysis should be enough to convince people. But, because it’s not lit crit if we don’t get all in-depth and nerdy, and because it’s really fun, I’m going to plumb the depths of my research and analysis and share with you this 4,000-word essay proving that yes, indeed, Nicklausse is genderfluid; and yes, indeed, he and Hoffmann are a couple, and a very gay one at that.

Let’s begin.

(Note: the following contains a lot of references to outside sources and I’m just too lazy to properly cite them especially because I just spent the last three years of my life doing that for all my research papers and it sucks. But if anyone is curious and wants to know where specific pieces of information come from, let me know.)

Nicklausse is genderfluid.

This honestly seems like a no-brainer. The dictionary definition of genderfluid is “of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity is not fixed,” so the fact that the character spends part of the opera in a feminine form (the Muse) and part of the opera in a masculine form (Nicklausse) is pretty much the definition of gender-fluid since the character’s gender identity is not fixed. Yeah, maybe the Muse is just in drag for the night, but either way, they’re obviously extremely comfortable in the masculine form so it seems more than likely it’s something they’ve done many times before and are not only okay with but very used to. There’s debate as to how much time, exactly, the Muse spends with Hoffmann as Nicklausse, or even whether Nicklausse is a real person or has been the Muse all along. The solution to this could affect the way the character is or is not defined as genderfluid, but the fact that there is no way to tell what the answer is—because the authors deliberately left that ambiguous—renders it a moot point. We could argue back and forth about that all day and never come to a conclusion because there isn’t one. At the end of the day all we can agree on is that the Muse is acting as Nicklausse the night Hoffmann tells the stories, and likely has done so before.

There is other, non-textual evidence that backs up the concept of Nicklausse as genderfluid. The biggest one is that Barbier and Carré were not strangers to the idea of gender fluidity in their work. About 14 years before Hoffmann premiered, another work from these two hit the stage: Ambroise Thomas’s opera Mignon. The titular character is, for all intents and purposes, genderfluid, presenting as both male and female throughout the course of the opera and seeming comfortable in both roles. Even earlier than that, the two of them translated da Ponte’s libretto for Le nozze di Figaro into French for the Paris Théâtre Lyrique. Anyone who knows this opera knows the multiple levels of gender-bending that occur here and the extremely meta exploration of gender primarily through the portrayal of Cherubino, a boy, who is played by a woman and frequently dresses up as a girl. You can hardly talk about Nozze without acknowledging the genderfluidity it contains. So, before writing the libretto for Hoffmann, Barbier and Carré had worked with at least two other stories dealing with canonical genderfluidity. It’s not much of a stretch, then, to say that they were deliberate in their portrayal of the Muse/Nicklausse as a genderfluid being.

That being settled, on to the next point:

Hoffmann and Nicklausse are a couple.

You wouldn’t think so watching the way most Hoffmanns treat Nicklausse onstage, but there’s a lot of textual evidence that supports this claim. There are multiple facets of Hoffmann and Nicklausse’s relationship that indicate they are, at least in some sense, an item, even if Hoffmann doesn’t always acknowledge it.

We still don’t know if the Nicklausse we see in the tavern has been Nicklausse all along, or if he’s taking on the position of someone who’s actually been hanging out with Hoffmann all this time. That doesn’t necessarily mess up the analysis, though, because: if the Muse has been Nicklausse all along, then all of the evidence in Hoffmann’s stories is true (as “true” as they can be, being a result of Hoffmann’s drunken storytelling) of the person who is sitting next to him in the tavern right now. If, however, the real Nicklausse is absent, Hoffmann is still admitting the extent of the relationship to the Muse/Nicklausse who’s in the tavern tonight. We know this because Hoffmann is presumably making these stories up since it’s revealed at the end all these “loves” are manifestations of the real-life Stella. In which case, it is Hoffmann who is describing all of these things about Nicklausse that indicate they are in a relationship, consciously or unconsciously admitting that they are an item. Since the Nicklausse who is sitting with him during the storytelling is also the Muse, it’s not really a stretch to assume Hoffmann is talking about them during the telling, even if there is a “real” Nicklausse who’s absent tonight, because Hoffmann is taking details from things in the immediate vicinity to tell these stories tonight.

Now on to some more specific details:

They are a packaged deal. Before Hoffmann enters the tavern, Luther announces his arrival, adding that Nicklausse is with him (“Messieurs, il ouvre la porte,/Et Niklausse est avec lui!”). No one questions this or asks who Nicklausse is. They are all used to the idea of Nicklausse coming along with Hoffmann, so it clearly happens on a regular basis.

It’s also clear that Hoffmann is much closer to Nicklausse than he is to anyone else in the tavern. And that’s probably saying something, as it’s clear the friends at the tavern know a lot about him: they are familiar with his many different stories; they look forward to seeing him and hearing his tales; they know he enjoys singing, and convince him to do so to cheer him up; they tease him; they ask him personal questions; and they know his schedule well enough to notice when he’s late coming to the tavern. So, Hoffmann clearly has a lot of people here who know and care about him—but none nearly to the extent that Nicklausse does, as we will see. That indicates his relationship with Nicklausse is much more intimate.

Here are some examples:

When Hoffmann and Lindorf are facing off in their insult duet, before they can get too far, Nicklausse intervenes with a metaphor about shepherds and their girlfriends, distracting them before they come to blows. The others in the tavern join in, but no one else was motivated to stop the fight. Nicklausse was the only one who cared enough to break it up.

When describing his role in the stories that are to come, Hoffmann says Nicklausse takes the prize for common sense; he thinks highly of Nicklausse’s perceptions and opinions, even if he doesn’t always show it.

HOFFMANN Tu m'auras sans doute compris, O toi qui dans ce drame où mon cœur se consume Du bon sens emportas le prix!

At the beginning of Act I (Olympia), Nicklausse makes several statements that indicate he knows Hoffmann extremely well. Upon his entry, he exclaims “J'étais bien sûr de te trouver ici!” (“I knew I would find you here!”) He is familiar with Hoffmann’s usual haunts and knows exactly where to look for him. Further, he already knows about Olympia; when Hoffmann shushes him after his entrance, Nicklausse asks, “C'est là que respire la belle Olympia?” (“Is there where the beautiful Olympia is?”) He teases Hoffmann about being in love with her, so Hoffmann has obviously told Nicklausse all about her. Given no one else in the tavern knew anything about Hoffmann’s love life, we can assume he only talks about things like this to people he’s particularly close to.

Further, when Nicklausse is trying to get Hoffmann to reach out to Olympia before proclaiming his undying love, we have this exchange:

NICKLAUSSE Alors, chante, morbleu! pour sortir d'un tel pas! (Then sing to her, for heaven’s sake, if there is no alternative!) HOFFMANN Monsieur Spalanzani n'aime pas la musique. (Mr. Spalanzani doesn’t like music.) NICKLAUSSE Oui, je sais! Tout pour la physique! ... (Yes, I know! Science is everything!)

So not only had Hoffmann told Nicklausse about Olympia, he has also told him about Spalanzani’s obsession with science and aversion to music. Which means Hoffmann very likely talks to Nicklausse a lot about his studies and his intention to pursue a science education.

Out of all the names and titles Hoffmann is given in the tavern—poet, writer, artist, drunk—no one mentions the fact that he is a student. It might be because the group consists almost entirely of students, so it’s a given; but it might also be that, in addition to not discussing his love life with his friends, he also does not talk to them about his studies. Once again, this indicates that he is much closer to Nicklausse than anyone else in the tavern.

Nicklausse also knows the best ways to interact with Hoffmann. After Nicklausse sings his song and Hoffmann brushes him off, Coppélius enters and tries to get Hoffmann’s attention. However, Hoffmann does not respond, to which Nicklausse replies “Voilà le seul moyen d'être entendu!” (“There is only one way to be heard/get his attention”). Then we get the stage direction “il frappe doucement, puis plus fort sur l'épaule d'Hoffmann” (“he hits softly, then harder on Hoffmann's shoulder”). It works; Hoffmann turns and asks him what he needs. This is a very particular way to get someone’s attention. The fact that Nicklausse knows it means he gets Hoffmann’s attention a lot, and knows him well enough to understand the ways in which Hoffmann needs people to interact with him. This once again indicates a more intimate relationship, as no one else in the opera expresses having this kind of knowledge.

In less specific examples, Nicklausse spends a great deal of this act teasing Hoffmann about his love for Olympia. However, Hoffmann doesn’t seem annoyed or put off by his behavior. He goes to Nicklausse repeatedly to make sure he stays involved in the action. He’s used to Nicklausse’s banter, but it doesn’t annoy him enough to keep him away. He’s too attached to him to let the teasing get to his head.

Though Nicklausse does leave with the other guests so Hoffmann can be alone with Olympia, he returns much sooner than any of the others, looking for Hoffmann and asking “Veux-tu qu'on se grise sans toi?” (“Do you want us to get drunk without you?”) Apparently the party isn’t nearly as fun as it would be if Hoffmann were there with him. He misses Hoffmann and wants him to come join him. Then, he tries to warn Hoffmann that Olympia isn’t what she seems, and that he should be careful. When Hoffmann doesn’t respond to that, Nicklausse suggests he come to the ball and dance with Olympia—anything to get him to come to the party.

When Hoffmann does begin to dance with Olympia, she goes out of control. Nicklausse intervenes, afraid for Hoffmann’s life; in the process he gets knocked over himself, but continues to focus on Hoffmann’s well-being (while no one bothers to check in with Nicklausse). (This is rarely staged but it’s in every version of the libretto I’ve read.)

Finally, when everyone else is laughing at Hoffmann for falling in love with a robot, Nicklausse goes to him and tries to comfort him among the madness.

In Act II (Antonia), we obviously get the Violin Aria, which I wrote a really long thing about earlier. In short, it is clearly a love song, and since he’s singing it to Hoffmann, what’s really left to be said? That alone should be enough to convince folks that there are romantic implications (to say the least) between Nicklausse and Hoffmann. I’m at a loss as to how anyone could come up with any other reason Nicklausse would sing that song. “Love victorious”? “Poet, give your heart”? What else could he possibly be talking about?

Unlike almost every other number in the opera, the Violin Aria has no precedent in the play. It’s only here now because we have the Muse doubling as Nicklausse, singing a love song to Hoffmann. Though he spends a great deal of the opera discouraging Hoffmann from pursuing the objects of his affections, he’s not against the idea of Hoffmann being in love. He’s against the idea of Hoffmann being in love with anyone who isn’t him.

Of course, this song is sometimes (often) cut. There’s more evidence that it’s supposed to be there than evidence against, though (according to a bunch of people’s research), so edits that exclude it are probably trying to lessen The Gay as much as they can. I don’t see any other reason for taking it out.

In addition to that, though, in the dialogue version of the libretto, Nicklausse gets a paragraph or so describing just how long (six months) and hard they have been looking for Antonia. You’d have to be pretty devoted to someone to follow them around for six months helping them look for the supposed love of their life. And on Hoffmann’s end, you’d have to like someone quite a bit to have them around you nonstop for six months, and feel extremely close to them to be able to expect that kind of devotion from them.

In addition, Nicklausse once again risks his own safety in order to save Hoffmann (though this is also rarely staged). When Crespel goes after Hoffmann with a knife at the end of this act, Nicklausse literally throws himself between Hoffmann and the knife. Y’all, if that’s not devotion, I don’t know what is.

Act III (Giulietta) is much more complicated because there are just so many versions of it. Of course there’s Kaye’s edit which is heralded by many is definitive and I’ll admit his research seems pretty sound so I’ll allow that to stand (because obviously I have the authority to have any kind of say in the matter). However there are several things from previous edits that Kaye takes out that also contribute to this discussion, so I’ll be referring to them as well.

First off, we get this line here which I’ve seen exactly once out of (n) productions:

GIULIETTA (se tournant vers Nicklausse) Et son ami! Pardon, Pylade or Pollux?

Giulietta is introducing Hoffmann to her company, and of course wherever Hoffmann goes, Nicklausse is as well, and since they’re a packaged deal, Giulietta introduces him as well, immediately after. And not only that, it’s precisely what she calls him that really drives the point home.

“Forgive me, was it Pylades or Pollux?”

I wrote a thing about this too. Here I’ll say:

Pollux refers to Castor and Pollux, who are typically used as a symbol of platonic affection between men, since they’re half-brothers. However, Pylades and Orestes are a different story. As I mentioned in the other post, if you’re familiar with Greek mythology discourse, you’ll know that most people agree there’s more to the relationship between Orestes and Pylades than a little bromance. So Giulietta is clearly suggesting something here when she refers to Nicklausse in these terms. It’s almost like she’s asking the question: “Are you two bros or are you romantically involved?” The fact that neither Hoffmann nor Nicklausse attempt to address that point seems significant to me. Nicklausse simply introduces himself, neither confirming nor denying the implications Giulietta is making about his relationship with Hoffmann. Nor does Hoffmann make a comment. If they didn’t want people thinking of them as a couple, one of them would have probably spoken up, but neither do.

In some Oeser-based edits we get an extended gambling scene, during which Giulietta serenades the guests, Hoffmann is distracted by her, Dapertutto gets some side dialogue, Schlémil acts shady, Pitichinaccio has some fun, the chorus gets philosophical, and Nicklausse tries to convince Hoffmann not to gamble away all their money. (Even if the extended scene isn’t included, Nicklausse gets a line to this effect in many versions of the libretto.)

Their money. Throughout, Nicklausse isn’t just worried about Hoffmann throwing away his own life savings. He’s worried because, despite the fact that he himself is not involved in the game (until Hoffmann makes him take his cards so he can go be with Giulietta), Nicklausse’s funds are at stake here too. I don’t know all the historical intricacies of finance at the time, but it sounds to me like the equivalent of these two having a joint bank account. You don’t share a joint bank account with just anyone. If Nicklausse and Hoffmann’s funds are collective to the point that Hoffmann losing money means Nicklausse is losing money too, the two of them are clearly financially dependent on each other, and if that doesn’t scream domesticity, I don’t know what does. I almost feel like the entire argument could ride on this alone.

The rest of the act is all over the place in terms of the order of events and even if some or others happen at all. The one most of us are probably used to honestly doesn’t have much Nicklausse material after the Barcarolle and his spat with Hoffmann, but others have more—like the conversation with Giulietta and the gambling scene described above. One of the most significant, which is based on a similar scene from the original play, concerns Nicklausse trying to get Hoffmann to leave with him, begging him to leave Giulietta behind, telling him this place is sketchy AF and they should leave before someone tries to steal their souls (which, incidentally, is pretty much exactly what happens). Eventually he gives up and goes to find a means of transportation (usually horses) and someone to help him physically remove Hoffmann so they can finally get out of there. After that, we only see him when he returns after Hoffmann gets his reflection taken; sometimes he doesn’t say much, sometimes he laments their fate, sometimes he finally does get around to dragging Hoffmann away once Hoffmann finally gives up, rescuing him yet again as they escape just before the police come looking for Schlémil’s murderer.

An interesting side note: In one performance I saw, Nicklausse tries to go after Hoffmann when Hoffmann goes with Giulietta, but is held back by Pitichinaccio (who then attempts to give him a poisoned drink, similar to an event in the original play). I also found a libretto and an album where a similar event occurs, except it’s Dapertutto who pulls Nicklausse away and makes him go back to the room where everyone else is still playing cards. In both cases he was able to return to Hoffmann right after Giulietta steals Hoffmann’s reflection. This bit isn’t included in any of the critical editions as far as I can tell, but it’s an interesting event, Nicklausse trying to go after Hoffmann to protect him (yet again) but being prevented by one of the villains. And, because Nicklausse isn’t there to help him, Hoffmann does get hurt this time (Giulietta steals his reflection). The one time Nicklausse is prevented from helping Hoffmann, Hoffmann winds up in a whole lot of trouble.

The epilogue is pretty self-explanatory, I feel.  Nicklausse doesn’t get too many lines, but his altercation with Hoffmann is pretty significant. Nicklausse makes the connection between the three ladies in his stories and the real-life Stella, joking that they should make a toast to the lady. Hoffmann yells at him, basically telling him “shut up or I’ll slap you” (and in some productions I’ve seen, he actually does get slapped). Nicklausse is definitely offended by this.

NICKLAUSSE se levant Ah! je comprends! trois drames dans un drame Olympia ... Antonia ... Giulietta ... Ne sont qu'une même femme: La Stella! LE CHŒUR La Stella! NICKLAUSSE Buvons à cette honnête dame! HOFFMANN furieux, brisant son verre Un mot de plus et sur mon âme Je te brise comme ceci! ...

NICKLAUSSE Moi, ton mentor? Merci! ...

This isn’t the kind of fight you have with an acquaintance. Banter like this, that borders on threats and insults, typically happen between people who are very close and have a lot of history. Nicklausse is trying to draw attention to Hoffmann’s failed loves, comparing them to Stella, to point out how futile it is for him to continue to pursue this siren. It’s about time Hoffmann notices him. Hoffmann, on the other hand, is furious at Nicklausse for revealing the fallacy in his tales. Saying “I’ll break you” is a pretty savage way to respond; Hoffmann feels betrayed by Nicklausse. He’s also pretty drunk. Either way, it’s clear his reaction stems from the closeness he feels with Nicklausse; upset that his “mentor” and confidante would reveal him like that.

After this, Nicklausse usually ducks away, though some edits give him the line “Il faut se décider!” (“You need to decide!”) as Stella enters. He’s giving Hoffmann the final choice, the one he delineated in the Prologue:

Il faut en cette heure fatale qu'il choisisse entre nos amours, qu'il appartienne à ma rivale ou qu'il soit à moi pour toujours!

(In this fatal hour he must choose between our loves; he will belong to my rival or be mine forever!)

Hoffmann is too drunk to recognize Stella, and she leaves him to go with Lindorf. The students leave as well, and Hoffmann is alone—until Nicklausse returns (or maybe he never left, depending on how it’s staged), revealing their identity as the Muse. Again, it’s unclear if they were Nicklausse all along, or just borrowing the identity for the night. Either way, the character that we’ve spent the last two and a half hours with (or longer depending on the edit)—the one who, as the last six pages will attest, is almost definitely Hoffmann’s boyfriend—is here declaring their love for Hoffmann. In some versions they literally say “I love you!”

Je t'aime, Hoffmann: confie-toi à moi! fie-toi à moi!

(Interestingly, when this line is included, it is spoken under the name “Nicklausse,” before their transformation back into the Muse. To me, that’s a decent indicator that Nicklausse has been the Muse all along, even before the events of tonight.)

We don’t know exactly what’s going to happen next, and what precisely we assume will happen once again depends on the Muse’s status as the actual Nicklausse in Hoffmann’s life or imagining. I haven’t seen any two productions (save revivals of the same production) that stage the ending in the exact same way. There’s a lot of ways to interpret it.

But after all this, I’d venture it’s pretty safe to say the ones where Hoffmann and the Muse get together at the end are accurate.

[rachelsheart]

DIAL 111: HOW TO WORK WITH YOUR SPIRIT GUIDES

BY: RUBY WARRINGTON ·

Do you know how to work with your spirit guides? Ruby Warrington gets a lesson in life’s celestial helpers from spirit-guide-whisperer Rebecca Campbell…

There follows a lesson in how to work with your spirit guides by Rebecca Campbell. Read more at Thenuminous.net

Inviting them into your dreams is one way to work with your spirit guides…

It happens fairly often among my Numinous circles that somebody will casually drop into the conversation that they’ve been working with their “spirit guides.” At which point I’ll nod and be like, “that’s rad, dude” – because, conceptually, I’m totally down with the idea that there are benevolent Universal forces working on our behalf all the time, and that we get to choose how and when we interact with them. That’s called “creating your own reality,” right?

But then I meet Rebecca Campbell, an Aussie author, mystic, coach, and co-founder of The Spirited Project, who insists that our guides are actually more like real entities – angels, I guess – who are just kind of hanging out, polishing their wings, until we call them into action. Learn to work with them, and they can offer assistance in every area of life – in fact; “no request is too big or too small, too specific or too broad,” she says.

It’s a pretty out there idea, even for me. And I (obviously) embrace a LOT of out there ideas. But I LOVE the concept (I’m already picturing my guides like a kind of spiritual Spice Girls, with the dance routines and everything), and so I asked Rebecca for the full low down. Here’s what she had to say…

Your guides – kind of like spiritual Spice Girls?

So does every individual on the planet have their own spirit guides?

Yep, everyone has their very own team of spirit guides who are completely devoted to their growth. I like to think of them as a group of amazing cosmic beings who have our back no matter what. But because of free will, in order to receive their support, first we need to ask. Asking is super simple (like, you can do it right now).

For general guidance:

“Hey spirit guides…I am open to receiving your loving guidance in all areas of my life. Thank you, and so it is.”

For more specific guidance:

“Hey spirit guides…I am open to receiving your guidance surrounding (insert specific request here). Thank you for guiding and supporting me.”

The thing about spirit guides is that they’re always there – we just don’t notice them. When you’re devastated by a terrible break up, they’re there. When you’re looking for a spot to park your car, they’re there. If you’re trying to make a difficult decision, they’re there. They’re by your side right now. What do you want their help with right now? Go on, ask them right now!

Okay, but first I need to know how they actually do their work?

Our spirit guides work with us through signs, people, nature, synchronistic events and our intuitive senses (inner seeing, inner knowing, inner hearing and inner feeling).

So the best way to start working with your spirit guides is to ask them for a sign. When I first started working with my guides I asked them to send me a light peach feather to prove to me that they were really there. Within half an hour I had received two peach feathers, which was pretty amazing – and what I needed to open my mind and heart up to noticing the support they could offer me. (nb: I tried this last night by asking for a blue crystal – nothing yet. I’ll keep you posted. Update: two hours later I was working out and found a mini crustal on the studio floor – but it was mauve. Close!)

The more you work with your spirit guides, the stronger the connection gets. It’s just like working out – you can’t expect to have a six-pack like J-Lo if you only do one sit up.

Okay, so is there one team of spirit guides working for us all, or are they individual for each person?

Everyone has their own team of spirit guides, which are assigned just to them. We are born with spirit guides and also recruit them as we go about our life.

I find that most people have around six spirit guides in their “inner circle.” These are the guides who are completely unique to us. Some spirit guides have had lifetimes here on earth (often appearing as “people” e.g. an American Indian teacher, a Tibetan monk, an inspirational business leader etc.) – while others may just appear as beings of light.

I believe that our purpose on Earth is twofold:

1. Evolve as a soul (learning, growing and raising our vibration)

2. Be the light (light up the world by following what lights us up)

Our spirit guides are assigned to us to help us do both these things. The more we allow and receive their guidance and support, the easier our path becomes.

Accept their support, and move forward more smoothly on your journey

I like the idea of us being “assigned” out guides at birth – how does this happen?

Your soul recruits your spirit guides based on your unique soul calling and the path you are here to walk. Your guides are perfectly suited to your highest calling, and waiting to guide you as much or as little as you wish. No matter what you’re facing, their presence means you always have the support around you to make it through.

I believe that we are born with one main guide (also known as a Guardian Angel) who stays with us throughout our lives – and by the age of 18-25 most people have recruited their spirit guide “posse.”

We can recruit more guides as needed though. For example, while writing my book Light Is The New Black I recruited two light beings and a new teacher guide to help me – in exactly the same way as I used to call on famous ad men to help me present my creative ideas in a way that would most resonate with the client when I worked in advertising.

What if I’m still having a hard time getting my head around the concept…

What holds most people back from developing a relationship with their spirit guides is their need for hard core visual “proof” that they exist. For a long time, I was waiting for my spirit guides to ring my doorbell and chat to me over a bottle of vino (clearly that never happened).

I wanted to know their hair color, their favorite movies and where they grew up. But the moment I Iet go of any need for them to appear in a certain way and just opened myself up to the possibility and trusted, the more my relationship with my guides grew and the more evidence of their presence I received in other ways.

Everyone’s experience with their spirit guides is personal, and because they work in the subtle realms, it takes practice to sense them. We are all six sensory beings, but we need to work our intuitive muscles each day to strengthen our intuitive connection with them.

Most people experience their guides through their predominant intuitive sense: Clairvoyant (clear seeing), Clairaudient (clear hearing), Clairsentient (clear feeling) and Claircognizant (clear knowing).

Can you give us some tips to start working with them on a regular basis then?

1. Start asking them for guidance…right now

2. Thank them for guiding you – they love a bit of positive reinforcement!

3. Ask them to send you a sign (e.g. a feather, a butterfly, elephants…whatever you fancy)

4. Keep a little notebook by your bed, and jot down any experience you might have had with them and any signs you spotted throughout the day. The more your book fills up, the more you will notice their support

5. Before you go to sleep ask your spirit guides to come to you in your dreams. The moment you wake up, note down any experiences you may have had with them

“She’s behind you…” Your spirit guides have always got your back

I’m almost convinced – can you share any amazing experiences you’ve had working with your guides?

These days I speak to my spirit guides every day – but my favorite story of working with my guides happened earlier this year, when I handed in my book proposal to Hay House (twice) but hadn’t heard anything.

One of my spirit guides is a woman (spirit) named Charlotte. Charlotte appears as a terribly English high society lady from the 1920’s who wears big dresses, hats and gloves. A gifted gossip, with her fingers in all the most influential pies, Charlotte is here to help me get my message out there and the name spoken about in the right circles. Knowing that getting some publicity might increase my chances of being published, I called on Charlotte for help and then surrendered it.

That same day I was connected with a journalist – and one week later she was commissioned to write a story, “Like a Prayer”, for the UK’s Sunday Times Style Mag (which also happened to feature the who’s who of Hay House authors, as well as The Numinous).Two weeks later, I got the phone call from Hay House offering me a deal!

When I went into Hay House to meet the team for the first time, the Publicity Officer mentioned that she’d seen the Sunday Times article and asked who my publicist was. Without thinking I responded “my spirit guide Charlotte!” Now, I’ve sat around a lot of boardroom tables in my life, but that was the first one that I was able to casually drop the name of one of my spirit guides and credit them for their work. I love it!

Ruby Warrington

RUBY WARRINGTON

MY MANTRA: Believing is Healing. MY MISSION: To help create a world where everybody gets to feel whole. // MY STYLE: Rock 'n' roll yogi fashionista. 99% recycled and vintage. // MY SIGN: Aries Sun, Sagittarius Rising, Cancer Moon. // MY HEALING: Time with friends, time alone, time offline, getting Sober Curious, and being f*cking real with myself!

Rachel's Heart

[archivistsammy]

In my previous post, I talked about how my tarot study group has been working through the Star card this week, and that it’s brought up a lot of really interesting associations and conversations. Many of these have felt deeply relevant to the struggles Sam and Dean face at the beginning of season eight. I’ve already talked about Sam, but now I want to dive into Dean, and then add some final thoughts for the pair of them.

Dean’s situation after the events of the season seven finale is obviously very different than Sam’s. He’s not entirely devoid of family, for even if Cas is missing, he’s still in Purgatory with Dean, and Dean knows he can find him–that he will find him. When we think about the Star in terms of a navigating force, even in terms of hope, Castiel is an obvious fit. Dean’s singular thought in Purgatory is finding “the angel”–even before getting back home and/or returning to Sam. You get the firm sense that Dean would stay in Purgatory forever if that’s how long it would take to get Cas back. Not to mention, the fact that he is literally praying to Cas every day. Talk about a guiding light.

Still, I think Dean’s time in Purgatory falls more into “survival mode” than anything else. Yes, he has a goal and he has a hope–finding Castiel. But if we think of the Star as both the experience of survival and the experience of grappling, then Dean’s still not really functioning in a Star-aligned way. I want to make it clear that, if we think of the Star as following the Tower (we don’t have to! But for now, let’s), then surviving becomes a paramount next step. Survival mode does not have to include hope and/or optimism or deep self reflection. Survival mode means finding a way to make it through the day and start again tomorrow. In times of upheaval, survival mode can be the motivating force. The way we navigate. But while surviving is necessary, it’s not the same thing as grappling. It’s not the same thing as dealing with or processing what came before.

We see this in Dean once he gets out of Purgatory. The way he talks about his time there, the way he describes it as “pure,” like he could be his most authentic self there. That says a lot about how Dean sees himself. “Daddy’s blunt instrument” indeed. And we know, especially given what transpires in 15.18 and 15.19, that at his core, Dean doesn’t want brutal violence to be his defining characteristic. Dean wants to be defined by love and by family. So, what does it mean that Dean comes out of Purgatory seemingly bolstered by what he did there (Cas staying there aside)? What does it mean that when Dean escapes from Purgatory–and ostensibly from the need to stay in survival mode–he continues to operate as if the rest of the world is as ruthless as Purgatory was?

Well, to viewers it might mean that Dean has PTSD. That he’s repressing the trauma of what he experienced by acting even more so as if Purgatory clarified things for him, rather than muddied them. And I’d say we’re all 100% correct. But my point here isn’t that, but rather Dean’s denial of how difficult Purgatory must have been for him is further evidence of his refusal to grapple with anything that makes him ache. Dean never really reflects on himself or his life, he just hides everything away behind a wall made of Scotch tape. Which means that Dean never really heals.

The Star is a card whose central tenet (imo, anyway) is how we heal. How we rebuild after catastrophe or unexpected upset. But seeing Dean after Purgatory never actually process what happened there is demoralizing. Especially in relation to Sam, who is basically doing the same thing. Neither of them properly talks about or works through what happened to them after killing Dick Roman. They just survive, and keep surviving, until they’ve buried their hurt so deep they can pretend it doesn’t affect them.

And I think what really frustrates me is seeing these behaviors in the context of the finale. Knowing that when this series truly ends, Sam and Dean will essentially do the same thing. They defeat Chuck and go back to hunting. Dean dies bloody, like he always thought he would. Despite having faced in “Despair” that what keeps Dean going is love, not violence. “Everything you do is for love,” Cas tells him, and an episode later Dean seems to truly embody this. Not killing Chuck was a supreme act of healing. “The ultimate killer,” Chuck says. “See, that’s not who I am,” replies Dean. And yet, another episode after that, Dean dies in the midst of killing once more, expressing the sentiment that they knew it would always end this way. Where is the Star in this ending? Where is the growth?

And for Sam, I feel the same. One of the trends that we see through the years on this show is the brothers thinking that in order to have an “apple pie” life that’s settled down and absent hunting, they have to reject and excise every part of their life that came before. Put away the jacket, lock away the car, don’t ever talk about what happened. Sam doesn’t seem as rigid about this in “Carry On,” given he and his son have the anti-possession tattoos, that he named his son Dean. The divide isn’t quite as sharp. But I think seeing the Impala locked up, covered up, clearly something he doesn’t touch on a regular basis…that to me is evidence that Sam has once again compartmentalized. That he hasn’t integrated his experiences and his feelings, his grief and his hope. He hasn’t rebuilt in a way that facilitates honoring what was destroyed. And that’s very upsetting to me.

There’s never any healing in Supernatural. The energy of the Star is always blocked, always bitter. But this pain is especially felt in the front half of season 8. It’s a low point for the brothers, and a low point for the show, and it really helps showcase how empty life can feel when we don’t deal with the shit that haunts us. When we don’t meet the energetic expectation of the Star and deal with what hurt us. When we don’t accept what we’ve lost. When we don’t wade through the muddy swamps of grief and anger and sadness. The Star is there to remind us that rebuilding is possible, while also acknowledging that rebuilding is messy, difficult work, and that part of that work is grappling—not just surviving—all that’s happened that’s made you ache.

[darriness]

Klaine Fic - You’ll Always Be The Home - Chapter 5

Author: darriness

Fic Summary: Everything is finally settled in Kurt and Blaine’s life…right?

Link to: Prologue - Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4

Rating: T

Chapter Word Count: 2874

Chapter Summary: Decision

Author’s Note: Just the epilogue left. Thanks to my beta @darrenismydarcy​ . Enjoy!

AO3 Link

“Are you okay, Aiden?” Blaine asks in concern as the boy just keeps staring.

Eventually, Aiden shakes himself out of his shock and furrows his brow, “So...you’re my brother and sister?” He asks.

Bethany nods, “Technically, yes. It’s a long story.” 

“And you?” Aiden asks, looking over at Kurt.

Kurt gives a closed lip smile, “I’m not your brother.” He says before talking out of the corner of his mouth to Blaine, “That would make our whole situation incredibly wrong.”

Blaine chuckles lightly before he coughs and shifts in his chair to grab Kurt’s hand, “This is Kurt. He’s my husband.” He says.

The reaction from Aiden is immediate. His eyes widen before he scoots back in his chair and adopts a defensive pose as he eyes the pair warily. Blaine’s heart drops at the display and he sighs a little. Part of him had hoped for something better.

“You’re gay?” Aiden asks.

Before Blaine can answer, Bethany’s voice rings out in the room, “They sure are!” She says, “And if you have a problem with that you can march your OshKosh behind back where you came from.”

“Bethany…” Blaine warns, tiredly, as Aiden’s defensive pose switches to ward off Bethany.

Bethany shakes her head, “He can’t come into our house and…”

“Annie, he’s seven.” Kurt interrupts, quietly but firmly.

Bethany shrugs, “Yeah? And? I was seven. I punched our dad for it.”

Aiden’s eyes widened, “You punched father?”

“Okay!” Blaine interrupts to cut off Bethany’s reply. Instead, the sixteen-year-old just lifts her eyebrows and purses her lips as if to say ‘yup and I’d do it again’. Blaine sighs and runs a hand down his face, “Aiden, we should probably get you home. Your dad is probably worried sick about you.” 

Or at least Blaine hopes that’s the case. Blaine had thought about running away a lot when he was a kid. He just hadn’t really thought his parents would care if he were gone. Obviously, as later evidence would show, he’d been correct.

Aiden’s face is a mask of conflict. His eyes are squinted and his lips slightly pouted as he looks back and forth between Kurt and Blaine. Blaine feels a little like he’s being dissected.

“Father says that being gay is a sin.” Aiden finally says quietly.

Blaine feels Kurt stiffen next to him and sees out of the corner of his eye that Bethany’s eyes narrow but Blaine feels no anger or hatred in Aiden’s statement. It’s just that. A statement. Of what he believes to be fact.

Blaine sighs, “Aiden, if that’s what your dad says then…”

“Why do you keep saying ‘your’?” Aiden interrupts with a curious head tilt. Blaine’s brow furrows in confusion, “You keep saying ‘your dad’ instead of ‘dad’. You also said they WERE your parents.”

“Is this kid really only seven?” Blaine hears Kurt whisper next to him while squinting his eyes.

Blaine gives a rueful smile, “There’s a reason we’ve never met, Aiden.” He says, softly, “Bethany and I didn’t even know you existed until today. We haven’t spoken to our parents in nine years.”

“Why?” Aiden asks.

“Because I punched our dad in the stomach.” Bethany deadpans, “Several times.”

Aiden’s eyes flash momentarily in alarm before Blaine sighs again and explains, “You know how your dad told you that being gay is a sin?” Aiden nods, “Well, when he found out I was gay...he didn’t like that very much.” Bethany snorts from the other couch as if to say ‘understatement’. Blaine smiles softly at her before turning back to Aiden, “Some bad stuff happened and he kicked me out of the house.” Blaine smiles at Bethany again, “And Bethany came with me because she didn’t agree with our mom and dad. We’ve been on our own for nine years.”

Aiden is quiet as he stares down at his hands still clasped in his lap. Blaine’s not sure what telling him would do. He’s not sure how Aiden truly feels about any of this. If he’s being honest, a small part of him hopes Aiden truly believes his father’s words. Because living with Marcus Anderson when you disagree with him is torture and Blaine wishes that on no one.

Eventually, Aiden looks up with a small smile on his face, “If it’s alright with you, I’d...like to get to know you two.” Blaine blinks owlishly as Aiden turns with a little grin and giggles (the most seven-year-old thing he’s done since entering the apartment), “You THREE.” He corrects himself, shrugging at Kurt.

Blaine lets a slow smile spread across his face as he grabs Kurt’s hand and squeezes, “I think we’d like that, Aiden.”

“Your dad’s not going to like it.” Bethany warns and Blaine knows she’s correct.

Aiden nods and swallows, “It would appear, from everything you’ve told me, that he won’t.” He then adopts a mischievous smile, “But I’ve become very good at being sneaky. I doubt he’ll know I was even gone today.”

Blaine lets out a chuckle. Everything about Aiden had led him to believe he was just like their father. Appearances can truly be deceiving. 

“I think we’ll get along just fine then.” Bethany says with a decisive nod that makes Aiden’s face light up.

-- -- --

Bethany pouts as she leans against Blaine in the doorway to the apartment. He slings an arm loosely around her shoulders as they watch little Aiden Anderson making his way to the elevator. Seeing a seven-year-old about to walk into the streets of New York City on his own should have been something they tried to stop but spending an afternoon with Aiden had convinced all of them that he would be fine.

“We’re not letting you leave by yourself!” Blaine had protested when Aiden had told them he should probably get back home.

Aiden had given Blaine a rather placating smile, “I’ve been making my own way around New York City since before I could tie my own shoes. I have the subway map memorized and four different phone numbers for car services or cab companies in my phone if I need them. This isn’t my first time making my way home on my own.”

It had become abundantly clear that this kid was a kid of the streets...in a three hundred dollar suit.

That doesn’t mean, though, that Blaine hadn’t given Aiden his cell phone number to text when he got home.

“Can’t we keep him?” Bethany whines as Aiden waves from the elevator as the doors close.

Blaine chuckles softly and kisses the side of Bethany’s head, “He’ll be fine.”

Bethany grumbles, “You couldn’t handle one more?”

Blaine tugs Bethany inside and closes the apartment door, “I can barely handle you as it is!” He jokes.

Bethany scoffs and punches him on the arm. Blaine oofs and rubs the spot as he chuckles. Considering the emotional roller coaster of the day he feels...light.

He finds it interesting how growing up with the parents they did shaped each of them differently. Bethany had become opinionated, strong, and surprisingly loyal. Aiden had become smart, resourceful, and kind of sneaky. And himself? He’d like to think he became responsible, independent, and a better parent than either of the ones he was given.

“I’m a delight.” Bethany says with a turned up nose.

“Oh sure.” Kurt chimes in, walking up to the pair with Eugene the Unicorn in his arms, “I say that to Blaine on a daily basis after you’ve yelled at us for...something. It’s a new thing every day.”

Bethany tries to glare but ends up fighting back a laugh and failing. She giggles and shrugs as she grabs Eugene from Kurt and twirls him toward her bedroom, “Your lives would be boring without me!” She calls and then she’s gone.

Blaine sighs and flops down on the couch, “She is right about that.”

Kurt hums as he sits down next to Blaine. He grabs Blaine’s arm and brings it over his head to snuggle against his chest, “Crazy day.” He says.

It’s Blaine’s turn to hum, “Crazy day.” He repeats.

“Are you okay?” Kurt asks.

Blaine hesitates but only for a moment, “Yeah, I think I am. I mean, will the fact that my parents basically had another kid to replace me hit me at some point and cause me to freak out a little? Sure. But...he seems like a great kid.”

Kurt sighs and rubs a hand on Blaine’s thigh, “You know you’re not replaceable in my world, right?”

Blaine kisses Kurt’s head and leaves his lips there, “I know.” He whispers, “I know.”

-- -- --

“So, you have to help me out.” Kurt says, two weeks later, as he knees his way across the mattress toward where Blaine leans against the headboard. Both are in their pajamas, each in soft cotton t-shirts and pajama pants, and the soft lighting in their bedroom makes for an intimate setting.

Blaine ‘hmm’s as he threads his fingers together over his stomach. Kurt comes to rest with his knees against Blaine’s hip, leaning back on his heels before he continues, “How long is long enough to bring up the topic of having a baby after your husband’s mother who abandoned him passes away and he discovers he has a little brother he never knew about?”

He says the entire sentence in one breath with a wince and Blaine’s not sure if it’s the face or the sentence itself but he breaks up laughing. Kurt drops his wince to chuckle along with him before shrugging, “There’s no precedence for this situation and I love that you’re talking to Anthony, but I don’t know...what’s off limits.” He shrugs again with a sigh.

Blaine smiles softly and reaches forward to thread his fingers through Kurt’s, “Nothing is ever off limits with us.” He whispers, and Kurt gives him a shy smile, before Blaine sighs and speaks at a regular volume, “I actually talked to Anthony about that today.”

Kurt raises an eyebrow but stays quiet.

Blaine licks his lips, “I’ve been thinking about what we talked about on our honeymoon a lot, and like you, I didn’t know if there was a length of time that was appropriate to wait after...everything.” 

Kurt gives a small smile, “And?” He asks.

Blaine sits up slightly and reaches with his other hand to rub his fingers on Kurt’s arm just under Kurt’s shirt sleeve. He looks at his wandering fingers as his face breaks into a smile.

“Anthony says that there is no specific length of time. There really IS no precedence for this. He said that my gut is the best judge. If it feels right deep down, then it’s right.”

“And?” Kurt chuckles, a little more insistent. He shuffles on his knees and shakes the hand he has in Blaine’s.

Blaine chuckles and then looks up at Kurt with a wide smile, “And I think, if you’re willing, we should start the process now.”

Kurt squeals loudly, claps, and jumps on Blaine. Blaine oofs, chuckles, and stabilizes Kurt who is now straddling his hips. 

Blaine tilts his head up and catches Kurt’s lips in a kiss just as the door to their room flies open. They both turn to find a very wide-eyed Bethany, clad in her tank top and pajama pants, with one hand on the doorknob and the other on the door jam.

“What?” She asks alarmed, “What happened?”

Kurt leans his temple against Blaine’s as they both smile at her. Bethany’s face goes from alarm to skeptical very quickly. 

She turns her head slightly and squints her eyes at them, “What’s with the smiles? Did we win the lottery? You have to tell me if we won the lottery. It’s against the law not to tell me we won the lottery.”

“Should we tell her?” Blaine stage-whispers to Kurt.

Kurt scrunches up one side of his face as he looks at Bethany, “Hmmmm, do you think we should?” He stage-whispers back.

Bethany huffs and puts her hands on her hips.

“She might be upset.” Blaine whispers, still in his not-so-private conversation with Kurt. Even though he’s joking and high on endorphins at the moment, he still knows there is a very real possibility that Bethany will not take this news well.

Kurt hums, “Yeah...I think she can handle it.”

Bethany all but growls, “Okay, one of you better tell me or I’m running away to join the circus.”

Kurt and Blaine chuckle before Blaine smiles at his little sister, “Kurt and I…” He pauses to look at Kurt who nods at him, “are going to start the process of having a baby.”

Bethany doesn’t do anything for a moment. She stares at them frozen and Blaine gets a sinking feeling in his stomach that this isn’t going to end well.

Just as he’s about to backpedal and say that they can totally have a discussion about it, Bethany lets out a large squeal and runs to the bed. She tackles the pair, Kurt still astride Blaine’s hips, and the three fall into a pile on the bed as she hugs them.

“Oh my God, this is amazing!” She shrieks, “This is the best news ever!”

The trio sits up and Bethany hugs Blaine again as he chuckles in relief, “You’re not upset?”

Bethany quirks an eyebrow, “Upset?” She asks, “Of course I’m not upset! Only,” She pauses with a finger in the air and Blaine and Kurt both lift their eyebrows waiting for her to continue, “there are only two bedrooms here. I’m not sharing with a screaming baby.”

Kurt and Blaine look at each other. Both realizing, at the same time, the potential ripple effect of this decision, “I guess,” Kurt starts, “we’ll have to look for a new place.” He shrugs at Blaine who nods in return.

Bethany claps and bounces between the pair before she suddenly stops and lays a hand on each man’s arms. Her face is serious as she looks back and forth between them, “You have to let me be the baby mama.” She says and both Kurt and Blaine immediately choke on their own spit.

“What?” Blaine splutters.

Bethany nods, “It makes perfect sense! I’ve seen the movie. Surrogates cost a lot of money AND if I have the baby then it’ll share both of your DNA!”

Clearly, Bethany’s brain is going a mile a minute but Kurt and Blaine are still trying to process her original suggestion.

“Annie, honey, you’re sixteen.” Kurt says gently, “That is such an amazing offer but...you’re sixteen. You can’t be our surrogate.”

Bethany shrugs, “Then wait a couple of years. I’ll be eighteen…”

“And starting college.” Blaine interrupts, pulling his arm out from under Bethany’s hand in order to lay his own on her arm, “Annie, Kurt’s right. That is SUCH an amazing offer but we can’t ask you to do that and we wouldn’t LET you do that. Part of my job as your guardian is to try and keep you from getting pregnant too early. I’d kind of be failing on that if I took you up on your offer.”

Bethany smiles ruefully as Blaine shrugs. She sighs and bites her lip, “All right but...I get to choose what colour you paint the nursery!”

Blaine laughs, “I think that may be a harder sell than the surrogacy thing.” He says, pointing to Kurt who has his eyebrows raised toward Bethany in a ‘Excuse me?’ sort of way.

“You are welcome to offer suggestions.” Kurt says with his nose turned up, before smiling and pulling Bethany to him in a side hug as she giggles.

“So,” Bethany declares a moment later, “since clearly we’re not getting any sleep tonight, I suggest we grab snacks and spend the night picking out baby names.”

Kurt and Blaine look at each other at the same moment with identical expressions on their face.

“Actually Annie…” Kurt starts but Bethany shakes her head, and finger, at them.

“Nuh huh.” She says, “This is too big a moment for the sexy times I pretend you don’t actually have. This is a family moment. We celebrate together.”

Blaine and Kurt look at each other again and have a silent conversation between them. She’s not...entirely wrong.

Eventually, Blaine sighs, “All right, Annie. You go get the snacks.”

Bethany cheers before kissing them both on the cheek and climbing off the bed. She leaves the room, declaring loudly that all the Oreos are hers.

Kurt is on Blaine the second she’s gone, catching his lips with his own and pushing him back on the bed. Blaine goes with a surprised squeak but doesn’t protest as he fists the back of Kurt’s shirt.

“Hey!” Bethany’s voice rings out and the pair on the bed jumps. Kurt looks up and Blaine tilts his head backwards on the mattress to look upside down...and sheepishly, at where Bethany stands in their doorway again, “I said no sexy times! It’s not like you can actually make the baby yourselves anyway!”

Kurt and Blaine laugh as Kurt drops his head onto Blaine’s shoulder and Bethany leaves again to go get snacks. 

It may not be hot sex, but their night is perfect.

[cassolotl]

Just submitted my response to the Trans Inquiry 2 (England and Wales)

You can see the call for evidence from the W&EC here on Twitter, and submit your evidence here. It requires a Word, ODT or RTF file to be uploaded. You can write as much or as little as you like.

The deadline is tomorrow, Friday 27th November 2020.

My response is below the cut, because it’s over 3,000 words long...! But please, be aware that you can write 20 words if you need to. You can just say “I’m trans and the reforms still don’t allow me to have a gender recognition certificate. They don’t go far enough, because the process is unnecessarily medicalised and still doesn’t accommodate nonbinary people.”

~

ABOUT ME

I am 34 years old. I live in Powys, Wales. I am nonbinary - specifically, I feel like I have no gender at all. My pronouns are singular they (they/them/their/theirs/themself, plural verbs). I learned what nonbinary was when I was 24, and immediately came out and began my transition. I have been attending the NHS gender identity clinic (GIC) in London since April 2012, about 8.5 years. Throughout that time I have presented as openly nonbinary, and have had surgeries and hormone treatments from the NHS to aid in an androgynous presentation. I have all the records and paperwork that I would need to receive a gender recognition certificate (GRC), if one were available to nonbinary people. I am openly nonbinary with everyone I see and interact with on a regular basis (social workers, support workers, landlords, friends and family, etc).

~

SUMMARY

The Government’s proposed reforms are positive but only a fraction of the changes needed to ensure trans people have equal rights and sufficient trans-specific medical care.

In particular, three additional gender clinics in the NHS are horrifically insufficient, especially for children and adolescents facing the body-horror and permanence of the wrong puberty, resulting in preventable major surgeries. Requirements for obtaining a gender recognition certificate remain excessive, demoralising and unnecessary. The financial cost currently involved is much greater than the £140 fee, making a fee reduction seem like lip service.

The gender recognition process remains needlessly and discriminatorially medicalised, unacceptably has higher standards for gender recognition than the NHS has for medical transition, and allows for stalling and abuse by spouses because UK marriage laws are needlessly gendered. It also does not account for Gillick competence in the case of legal gender recognition for children.

There is a complete lack of provision for nonbinary people, which is unacceptable, especially now that the courts have found that nonbinary people are protected under the transition characteristic of the Equality Act 2010. This means that nonbinary people are unable to marry or parent children while being authentic in their genders, and are unable to receive a correct pension.

These barriers presented to trans people mean that still only a minority of trans people will access gender recognition certificates, which results in unnecessary and preventable problems for trans people, but also for the systems that have to accommodate them in accordance with the Equality Act 2010.

~

RESPONSES TO PROMPTS

The Government’s response to the GRA consultation:

Will the Government’s proposed changes meet its aim of making the process “kinder and more straight forward”?

Yes, but only marginally.

Three new GICs: Each month the NHS makes several months’ worth of referrals to GICs. Nowhere in the UK is it possible to access a GIC within the 18-week NHS-set timeline; the average wait is 18 months, which is horrific for transgender adults, and devastating and traumatic for transgender adolescents who are forced to go through the body-horror of the wrong puberty while waiting for two appointments to be prescribed puberty blockers. [1] It follows that in order to bring this waiting list down to lawful amount of time we need to increase the number of NHS GICs not by 40% but by 400%.

Fee reduction to “nominal amount”: I have still seen no reason to delay making this process a demedicalised case of submitting a form declaring a change of legal gender, much like changing one’s name by deed poll. We are not charged to update our details with HMRC, so we need not be charged for updating our details at a General Register Office.

Placing the procedure online: This is something that should have been done decades ago, but better late than never. It is also an attempt to repair the Titanic with superglue as it sinks. The system is difficult to access for all trans people, but not because of the method of application. The problem is that we are required to apply to the gender recognition panel at all.

Should a fee for obtaining a Gender Recognition Certificate be removed or retained? 

It should be removed. It is arbitrary, and other administrative changes of a similar nature and risk level do not have fees associated.

Are there other financial burdens on applicants that could be removed or retained?

The requirement to provide medical evidence for change of gender is unnecessary and costs money. For example, living in rural West Wales means that for the 8 years I’ve been attending the London GIC I have been paying for accommodation in London, because it is not physically possible to travel to London by public transport and back in one day when attending a GIC appointment. Each trip costs me at least £80 or so out of pocket, because I have to find accommodation close to the GIC for me and a PA (I am disabled and receive direct payments). I am entitled to have my travel costs refunded by the NHS but others are not, so attending GIC appointments will cost them money even if they don’t have to stay overnight.

At the moment the wait of in some cases several years for a first appointment followed by 1.5 years waiting for the second appointment means patients being referred today will be waiting 4-5 years for their first hormone prescription or surgery referral, so a significant number of people who would like a GRC have to pay for private treatment to get the proof they need within a reasonable timeframe.

Should the requirement for a diagnosis of gender dysphoria be removed?

Yes. Legal gender need not be a medical issue. As when changing one’s name, legal gender need only be a case of signing a document with witnesses. The two reasons I’ve heard cited against demedicalising the gender recognition process are (1) fraud prevention and (2) protection of vulnerable women in single-sex spaces.

(1) We already have laws against fraud, and it is very easy and cheap to legally change one’s name in the UK. When you consider how “identifying” something like a gender is when compared to other identity metrics such as photographs, dates of birth, names, etc. (i.e. not very), it seems absurd that gender is so difficult to change. Existing fraud laws would allow for prosecution as easily if changing one’s legal gender were a matter of a statutory declaration only.

(2) We already have laws against abuse of women, women’s spaces are already protected even taking into account the Equality Act 2010, and in general the women responsible for protecting those women-only spaces currently accommodate and welcome trans women and have done for a long time. [2] Birth certificates are not required for accessing women-only spaces such as shelters, toilets and changing rooms. Other ID that might be required in a less free version of our current society, such as driver’s licences or passports, do not require a gender recognition certificate to have the gender marker changed, so demedicalising the gender recognition process has no effect on provision of necessary gender-exclusive services.

Anyone wishing to use an alternative gender presentation for fraudulent or abusive purposes does not have a more difficult time in the crimes that they are attempting to commit thanks to the Gender Recognition Act. The fact that currently only 1 in 10 transgender people have a GRC suggests that the system can currently accommodate people whose genders don’t match their birth certificates or tax records, so presumably making it much easier for people to make all of their IDs match will make no difference to fraud and abuse incidence, and may make it easier by removing discrepancies.

I would also argue that the current “gender dysphoria diagnosis —> correct ID” situation is back-to-front. Wanting ID that reflects a gender that is different from the one you were assigned at birth is evidence of gender dysphoria, and so applying for a birth certificate that shows a different gender to the one you were assigned at birth should be considered evidence of gender dysphoria for a diagnosis. It doesn’t need to go through a doctor; wanting to change the ID should be enough on its own.

Should there be changes to the requirement for individuals to have lived in their acquired gender for at least two years?

Yes. Being transgender isn’t something that comes on suddenly later in life. It is a neurodevelopmental issue, considered by some medical professionals to begin in the womb. Having to wait two more years to have that gender recognised in law seems arbitrary and unnecessary.

Most transgender people have known that their gender was different to the one they were assigned at birth for years before they begin their transition. I would say that making it very difficult to change one’s legal gender is, among other factors, something that contributes to this unfortunate tendency.

I understand that living in a new gender role for two years is considered proof of commitment to that gender role by the state. Proof of this nature is not required for other administrative matters such as change of name or title. Let’s imagine the same situation for something that might be considered harder to change because it is by its nature decided by biology: date of birth. If one’s date of birth had been entered incorrectly on a birth certificate and the individual or their parents noticed some years later, the birth certificate could be corrected with, at most, medical records showing that the baby was born on a different day. Likewise, to change a gender marker on a birth certificate should require, at most, medical records showing that the individual’s gender was assigned incorrectly at birth. This would be a copy of a letter from a doctor diagnosing gender dysphoria, which requires only 6 months of a specific type of discomfort. The legal system therefore is four times more strict about changing legal gender than the NHS is about referring for permanent gender-affirming surgery or prescribing hormones that cause permanent physical change. This is unnecessarily stringent. It could be considered discriminatory under the Equality Act 2010: trans people are less able to change incorrect records relating to their gender, in accordance with GDPR, because of the additional barriers.

If the gender recognition process was easy and cheap, and for some reason a person changed their gender marker on a whim and then wanted to change it back, it would be very easy for them to do so - but as you learned in the first Trans Inquiry some years ago, countries such as Ireland, where it is easy and cheap to change your legal gender, have not seen this happen. In general, we know that when it is easy and cheap to change your one’s legal gender, people tend to do it once and then never again.

What is your view of the statutory declaration and should any changes have been made to it?

I have no problem with the statutory declaration aspect of the gender recognition process. It seems acceptable that a change intended to be permanent should require the signing of a binding legal document, and that people who do so for fraudulent or otherwise harmful reasons be subject to criminal proceedings.

I am opposed to a spouse’s consent being required for married/civil-partnered people, as it gives another person unnecessary and potentially harmful control over their spouse’s transition.

Does the spousal consent provision in the Act need reforming? If so, how? If it needs reforming or removal, is anything else needed to protect any rights of the spouse or civil partner?

I understand that when one person in a marriage is changing their gender that changes the legal status of the marriage from a different-gender marriage to a same-gender marriage, or vice versa, and I agree that a spouse must consent to that change as an equal participant.

In order to resolve this issue, I would suggest making marriage law gender-neutral. There is no reason to have a same-gender marriage be any different than a different-gender marriage in law. It need not be “men can marry women, men can marry men, women can marry men, women can marry women” - it can simply be that an adult can marry another adult. That way, if one of the spouses changes their gender, the marriage is unchanged.

This would also prepare marriage law for legal recognition of nonbinary genders.

Should the age limit at which people can apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC) be lowered?

I am not aware of any reason why it would not be appropriate. In the UK, the NHS has a policy of assuming that children are capable of understanding and consenting (or not consenting) to medical treatment. It should be assumed that a child can also consent (or not) to having the gender marker on their birth certificate changed.

What impact will these proposed changes have on those people applying for a Gender Recognition Certificate, and on trans people more generally?

Moving the process online will allow people to apply electronically, which would likely have a positive impact on the environment due to being less CO2-intensive. It may also make the process faster, which would be positive.

Making the process cheaper will allow poorer people to apply for a GRC, which is positive.

The NHS providing 3 more GICs will allow some patients to travel a shorter distance to access care, which is positive.

However, I don’t think these changes will have a significant impact on the most serious issues affecting transgender people. I consider these to be: excessive waiting times for transition-related treatments, difficulty of access to change of legal gender, the demoralising and humiliating nature of the gender recognition process, and the complete lack of legal recognition of nonbinary genders in UK law.

What else should the Government have included in its proposals, if anything?

Legal recognition of nonbinary genders (including availability of gender recognition certificates and X gender markers on state-issued ID), legal gender recognition by statutory declaration, 400% increase in the number of gender identity clinics in the UK, and no cost for GRC application.

Does the Scottish Government’s proposed Bill offer a more suitable alternative to reforming the Gender Recognition Act 2004?

Yes.

Living in the “new” gender role is required for only 6 months, in line with diagnosis of gender dysphoria. A diagnosis of gender dysphoria is not required, as living in the “new” gender role would suggest that the person has gender dysphoria to the extent that they wish to live in the “new” role and the official diagnosis would be superfluous. A statutory declaration is required, which seems acceptable. All of this seems positive to me.

Requiring applicants to wait for three months to consider their application seems unnecessarily patronising and patriarchal, but the proposed Scottish Bill is still much more fit for purpose than the current and proposed England-and-Wales model.

~

Wider issues concerning transgender equality and current legislation:

Why is the number of people applying for GRCs so low compared to the number of people identifying as transgender?

I am not sure. I imagine there are several complex and intersecting reasons.

I think cost is probably an issue. I think that the amount and type of evidence currently required by the gender recognition panel is not very easy to obtain, and the applicant is unable to sit before the panel in person with or without a legal representative, and so there is a high risk that applicants will not meet the panel’s obscure criteria or be able to persuade them or answer their concerns/questions in person. If the application fails the money is lost, and the (significant) effort involved in application is wasted. The latter is offputting for everyone who might consider applying, and the former is a bonus barrier for poorer people.

I would speculate that it might also be because because living as a different gender than the one you were assigned at birth and getting medical treatment are easier and more medically urgent than changing one’s birth certificate, especially when compared to the frequency with which one has to show one’s birth certificate (and therefore “out” oneself, if one does not already have a GRC).

I think there is a tendency for people to think, “well, how often do I have to show my birth certificate or my tax records to people I have direct contact with? And how often are they going to be indiscreet and transphobic about it? Hardly ever, right?” But by the time they find out that transphobic people do exist and do make an issue about it, or by the time they have to show their birth certificate to someone they’d rather not come out to, it is too late and they are not able to apply for a GRC and get their records updated in time. Not having a GRC is therefore always a problem in the past, which removes urgency.

By comparison, gender dysphoria is a chronic and acute daily psychological discomfort, which is much harder to ignore.

Are there challenges in the way the Gender Recognition Act 2004 and the Equality Act 2010 interact? For example, in terms of the different language and terminology used across both pieces of legislation.

I understand that the Equality Act 2010 has now been tested in court by a nonbinary person in an employment tribunal and found to protect nonbinary people under the characteristic of gender transition “beyond any doubt”. The Gender Recognition Act doesn’t accommodate or provide for nonbinary people, and is therefore in breach of the Equality Act 2010. [3]

Are the provisions in the Equality Act for the provision of single-sex and separate-sex spaces and facilities in some circumstances clear and useable for service providers and service users? If not, is reform or further guidance needed?

I think the guidance for the Equality Act should explicitly state that nonbinary people are protected under the characteristic of gender transition. I do not feel that I am knowledgeable enough to comment on any other issues.

Does the Equality Act adequately protect trans people? If not, what reforms, if any, are needed

Now that the Equality Act 2010 has been shown in court to protect nonbinary people under the protected characteristic of gender transition I have no complaints.

What issues do trans people have in accessing support services, including health and social care services, domestic violence and sexual violence services?

A lot of trans people just don’t report hate crimes to the police because the police often don’t do anything about it. [4]

Because trans people face extra barriers in matters such as housing, employment, and primary and secondary medical care, they need additional support from e.g. Social Services. This means they have the barrier of having to ask for more than other people do, and for that request to be considered by individuals in the system who may also be transphobic, before being granted.

There was a women’s shelter in a city I used to live in, which said on a sign at the door “no men allowed!”, but then on their website it said “women only”. I emailed to ask for clarification, because I am nonbinary and it was unclear whether I would be allowed on the premises. They said that if I identified as a woman I was welcome to enter. As I don’t identify as a woman I didn’t enter. I would presumably also be barred from entering a shelter for abused men. The difficulty for nonbinary people is that there are no provisions for us whatsoever, whether provided or funded by the government/local authorities or otherwise.

Are legal reforms needed to better support the rights of gender-fluid and non-binary people? If so, how?

Yes. We need to be explicitly written into laws and guidance relating to the following:

- Marriage

- Passports

- Driving licenses

- Adoption

- Sexual violence (as victims and as perpetrators, in matters such as disclosure of transgender identity and medical history, definition of rape, etc.)

- Birth certificates (as parents, e.g. language relating to mother/father, birth parent)

- Pensions

- Hate crime

- Provision of public services and facilities (public toilets, changing rooms)

- Any law that has gender-specific statements or provisions

… and probably more.

~

[1] https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2020/08/13/nhs-trans-patients-laurels-gender-identity-clinic-south-west-waiting-list-yeovil-pride/

[2] https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2018/08/03/domestic-violence-shelters-transgender-no-impact-on-services/

[3] https://www.jdsupra.com/legalnews/gender-is-a-spectrum-landmark-uk-ruling-61650/

[4] Not a reputable third-party source, but a well-described and typical anecdotal example. https://twitter.com/JayHulmePoet/status/1328995596670267392 “Once I reported a hate crime to the police. They dropped the case without telling me, and then when a hate crime advocate called them out on it they took no action AND blamed it on me being open about being trans. I've not reported a hate crime since. The irony of the police telling me not to tell people that I'm trans so I [don’t] get hate crimed (again, not how hate crime law works) is that there's precedent for trans people to be charged with sexual offences if they have sex with someone without disclosing that we're trans.”

[barnesandco]

Nikah: May

Story Masterlist

Nikah: noun, Arabic, meaning the contract of marriage.

Bucky marries Peter’s former tutor because her student visa’s about to expire and the government isn’t granting her a green card. Can she find a way to permanent residence by marriage, and if so, will it be at the cost of their hearts?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Angst.

A/N: Written under the Arranged/Accidental Marriage trope for @mermaidxatxheart​ ‘s writing challenge. 

The scent of spices and tea slides like silk into his bedroom, a thief in the night rousing him from his slumber. It's a quarter to three, and he can hear sizzling from the kitchen, adding to the comfortable heat of an early summer night. He curses himself as he scrambles to get up, untangling the maze of sheets around his legs. Almost trips over her prayer mat on the floor on his way out, the lights in the living area blinding, but he has now identified the scent. Lentils. She's reheating the daal maash from last night for her sehri, and a peek over her shoulder from several paces behind her shows him a paratha on the pan. 

"You didn't wake me," He laments, noting how the situations have been reversed since the first time they woke up together. It isn't morning now, but the principle remains. One upset that the other is cooking alone, albeit for different reasons entirely. 

"To no avail, evidently," She answers, sunflower smile wilting on her tired face, although her spirit is anything but. Not a morning person in the first place, this preparation for the day's fast is an exhausting ordeal for his wife, and that's why he wakes up with her.

To tell the truth, he’s still in awe over the phenomenon of Ramadan, and how she not only survives, but thrives in it. Eating and drinking nothing as long as there is daylight, and yet going about her day as if it is ordinary, with no change in her routine except for a brief nap in the afternoon. 

He knows hunger, too, the Depression one of the few things he recalls before everything else. Hunger out of obligation, not choice. Not out of the will to rid yourself of all material needs, not out of the will to sympathize with the unfortunate, and become more grateful for your own fortune, as she says she is. Fasting is a sacred, beautiful ritual, even though he does not like that she is suffering. 

Even in preparation for said suffering, she is calm. Tired, but content, elbow grazing his as they set the table together. Sehri is peaceful, but he will not appreciate that until he looks back upon it in time from an iftaari that is anything but.

He’s beside himself with worry by the time she gets back from her job interview, in spite of her regular texts informing him of her delay. Perhaps it’s because he’s sent too many I’m fine messages to not recognize someone else’s. And indeed, he knows for certain that everything is very much not fine the moment she enters the apartment. The storm in her eyes is a brutal warning, even though she uses a brief hug to umbrella him from it before heading into their bedroom to change in preparation for dinner.

His friends have invited themselves to iftaari, on the condition that they bring the food. It’s something she’s been looking forward to, cautiously, hesitantly, but it seems that whatever happened today has eliminated even that. Bucky assumes the interview didn’t go well, and this suspicion is strengthened when she brushes past him to start removing bits and bobs of a busy household - tea coasters, pens and pencils, loose notes - from sight. No further comment on how the day went. 

“How did the interview go?” Bucky takes the initiative. 

“I didn’t get the job?” She answers, stopping her neat-freak cleaning in front of the hallway mirror at the sight of her hair. The dark locks fall down her back as she opens the bun.

“Why not?”

“Guess they had a better candidate.” She shrugs, refusing to meet his eyes in the mirror as he stands behind her. 

“Darlin’,” Bucky presses as she ties off the braid, letting it fall across her shoulder. It swings over and like a pendulum in front of her back as he follows her to the living room. 

“Dearest,” She teases, the joke not reaching her eyes as she begins to fold a throw blanket. 

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

“What happened?” He persists, pressing the pillow he’s adjusting into the back of the couch. She spares him a glance over her shoulder while she puts the drying dish towels back in their drawer. 

“Nothing happened, Bucky. Job rejections are a part of life. This isn’t my first and it sure as he- heck won’t be the last,” She says, back still to him, stumbling over what could be considered a swear word. Apparently, anger and swearing is also off-limits.

“Then what’s the matter?” Bucky gets up from the couch while she comes to sit on it, Quran in her hands.

“Nothing.”

“Yeah, right, and I’m the damn President.”

“What’s your problem, Buck?” She sighs, closing the book she has just opened, face worn and torn.

“My problem? Honey, you walk in here pissed off like Sam after a bad mission and ask me what my problem is?”

“I’m not arguing with you now,” She says dismissively, looking down again, beginning to read, and Bucky respects her, he does, really, but he can’t let this one go. Not now, not like this. Too many problems arise from a communication gap, from not talking, from leaving people to their own devices. He can’t deal with that.

“Like hell you won’t. I’m not tryin’ to start a yelling match here, sweetheart, but we have to communicate.”

“You sound like a therapist.” She doesn’t look up.

“Maybe you should listen to one,” He retorts, turning his back. This gets her attention. Rising from the couch, she walks around to face him, face livid and tears already ready.

“Fine. You want to know what happened? Yeah, I didn’t get the job. Apparently, I’m too “high profile”, and-”

“Oh, so this is my fault?” Bucky asks, voice tempered and low.

“No. It’s B.S. is what it is. They said my high profile would raise controversy, and reader might not trust reviews I write because of my background,” She finishes, arms flailing agitatedly, brow furrowed and furious. Bucky’s confused. 

“You’re overqualified, doll. I don’t know why you’re applying for these jobs when you’re already a lecturer,” He says. Book critics aren’t PhDs, not usually, and she deserves more.

“I’m visiting faculty. On a contract, which can be renewed, but a visiting job doesn’t provide me with enough basis for a work visa.”

“Work visa? What about the green card you’re doing all this for?” He asks, not realizing he’s using the word you, instead of we. Somewhere along the line, sometime in the past five months, this has become more than a favor. She has become more than someone in need.

“Those things expire. Have to be renewed, and mine won’t be once this is-” She stops, face falling. 

“What? This is what?”

“Nothing.” The anger resurfaces as he understands what she’s alluding to.

“Once this is over, right? That’s what you were about to say? Why’d you stop? You think I don’t know? You think I’m deluded into thinkin’ you could want to stay with me?” Every question mark is another step forward, three steps back.

“Bucky, I-” Saved by the bell. She wipes her eyes with a corner of her dupatta, and goes to answer the door. Bucky steels himself, the anger now a resting mass of resentment in his stomach, pasting a rubber smile on his face as they enter. Sam, Peter, Sharon, Wanda, and Vision, all come in and greet them with noise and the mouth-watering scent of achari chicken. Bucky hopes, for their sakes, that they went easy on the spices, until she reappears in front of him, and he remembers he has bigger problems.

Of course, there is no space to hash it out in a houseful of guests, so they do what they must. The show must go on. Bucky convinces himself they’re doing well at keeping up the pretense with silver tongues and iron smiles, until he overhears a sliver of conversation from the kitchen, where she and Peter have just gone to retrieve cutlery and glasses. 

“You fought, didn’t you?” Peter asks, and he curses the kid’s brightness.

“It’s nothing, Pete.”

“You’d tell me if it were though.” It’s a statement, but the question hangs, suspended in the air, until she shoots it down.

“Of course.” A smile, and they return to help the others set the table.

Peter’s concern, the idea that he, Bucky, could be a cause of concern, tugs the carpet out from under his feet and he feels like he’s falling. Down into his memories like the Harry Potter movies she will stop her channel surfing on, even though she insists she doesn’t like them all that much. Down into the memory of Peter’s first show of brotherly caution.

Bucky had insisted on wearing a suit. Nothing fancy, a simple black two-piece, the collar of his white dress shirt undone. He feels like he’s preparing for a funeral instead of a wedding, tying the laces on his dress shoes. Peter only reinforces this sentiment, grave face set to mourn the fact that one of his mentors is being tied to a ticking time bomb.

Bucky knows that isn’t fair to Peter, the boy has never treated him with anything other than respect - it’s the nerves talking, mostly. It appears that they aren’t the only ones with something to say today. Peter shuffles awkwardly, gusto evaporating at Bucky’s undivided, intimidating attention.

“Spit it out, son,” He tries to help things along, and Peter’s eyes widen.

“Look, I know you’re doing this because you want to help, and you have no idea how grateful I am,” Peter begins, wringing his hands at his sides. Bucky leans back, raises an eyebrow.

“But?” 

“But you have to be careful with her,” Peter rushes out, looking at him anxiously as he gets up to comb back his hair one more time. 

“I thought this was the 21st century. Let women do their own thing and all. I mean, I always believed in letting them be, but it wasn’t the norm the way it is now,” He says, putting the brush back in the drawer and turning to Peter.

“Yeah, I know, but still. She’s been through a lot,” Haven’t we all, Bucky thinks, tightening his watch around his wrist. “ And she needs your support. Be careful with her, Mr. Barnes, please,” Peter urges, eyes appealing for his sympathy. Bucky walks up to him, puts a hand on his shoulder and tells him:

“Alright, kid. Alright,” And he hopes this is enough to convey his promise.

He’s let Peter down. Bucky sees it in his eyes as he’s the last to leave, stomachs full and happy, the other Avengers already halfway down the corridor to the elevator. Peter doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to. The look in his eyes is enough of a knife in Bucky’s heart, too clear an image of the one he seems to have planted in Peter’s back. 

She’s in the kitchen, quiet, silent, dark. He stands next to her for several long, tense minutes until she exhales, and the room holds it breath for whatever she’s about to say. Except, she decides not to. Leaves the kitchen, heads for the foyer and pulls on her shoes until Bucky asks her where she’s going.

“Out. I need air,” Is her only answer, and he can’t stop her, doesn’t know how to as she leaves. The aftermath of the fallout envelopes him and he thinks: now what? 

Taglist: @suz-123​ @mermaidxatxheart​ @buckyreaderrecs​ @shield-agent78​ @corneliabarnes​ @readerandcinephileingeneral​ @stevieboyharrington​ @notsomellowmushroom​ @veganfangirl5​ @mood-pancakes​ @lbuck121​ @starnight-charmer​ @redhairedfeistynerd​ @geeksareunique​ @samingtonwilson​

[worryinglyinnocent]

Fic: A Flash of Imp-spiration

Summary: Author Belle gets her ideas from a very unusual source...

Written for the @a-monthly-rumbelling moodboard prompt, available here

Rated: G

A Flash of Imp-spiration

As an author, I am often asked where I get my ideas from. When I tell people that I get them from a strange little imp who appeared in the cupboard under the stairs one day and refused to leave, they never believe me for some reason.

Belle sighed and leaned back in her chair, staring at her laptop screen and the words that she had just typed. It had been her publisher’s idea to start the writing blog as a way of staying engaged with her readers whilst the latest novel in her epic fantasy series was still forthcoming. Writer’s block had been plaguing her for weeks now, and with her deadline coming up, she was glad to be writing anything, even if it was a blog post that made her look completely bonkers. 

“You know, I don’t know why they don’t believe you. I’m perfectly real, after all.”

Belle glanced up to find Rumpelstiltskin reading the screen over her shoulder, leaning against the bookcase where he always did whenever she was writing. He was looking remarkably indignant against the people who denied his existence.

Belle sighed. “I know you’re real, and you know you’re real, but come on, you’re not exactly a common sight in this world and I’m the only one who can see you anyway. There are times when I think I’m mad myself. Regular people don’t just turn up in the cupboard under the stairs one day and announce that they’re now your muse.”

“Well, it wasn’t my fault that I arrived. You must have done something to summon me somehow.”

“I know, and as soon as I work out what that was, I’ll be reversing it and sending you back to where you came from.”

Rumpelstiltskin gasped with fake horror. “Belle! How could you? After all the happy times we’ve shared?”

“What, the happy times that involved you poking me in the ribs with your absurdly sharp fingernails saying ‘Belle, why don’t you write a story about meeeeee?’ No.”

He folded his arms with a huff, and Belle matched the expression right back. 

“You know, you always complain that you have no ideas and then when I give you them, you reject them out of hand.”

“I am not writing about you, Rumpel. We’ve been over this many, many times.”

Belle had actually lost count of the amount of times she’d had this argument with Rumpelstiltskin. It had been happening on an almost daily basis ever since she had first discovered him in the cupboard under the stairs four months ago. That had certainly been an interesting night, and she could definitely call it the turning point in her life. Waking up at three o’clock in the morning to the sound of someone downstairs making a terrible clatter and sending up all manner of curses and oaths, she and snuck down the stairs armed with a standard lamp, only to find this strange man with mottled, slightly sparkling skin, trapped in the cupboard under the stairs and tangled up in the hoover cables. 

Perhaps against her better judgement, she had rescued him and made him a cup of tea, and he had been in residence ever since. He was quite happy to remain in the cupboard - Belle was convinced that he had some kind of pocket dimension in there that he retreated to when he wasn’t out and about and annoying her - but having been ‘ferociously attacked by that vicious creature’, the hoover had had to find another home. 

Neither of them really knew why he had appeared, and he couldn’t really explain to her where he had come from, the implication always being that she had conjured him out of her own mind somehow. Of course, that meant that she didn’t know how to get rid of him, either. 

For the most part, though, Belle was content to keep him around. He provided good company when he wasn’t jabbing her in the ribs, after all. They’d had fun testing out the limits of his reality, finding that he could interact with the world inside her house just the same as any other human could, but there was something preventing him from leaving the front door. He didn’t seem too put out by this strange house arrest, and they’d certainly had some fun times together. Rumpelstiltskin was, however, banned from playing Scrabble after insisting that several completely made up words were in fact part of the language of his own dimension. He might have been telling the truth, but his inability to keep a straight face when giving her the supposed dictionary definitions had made Belle suspect otherwise. 

Rumpelstiltskin gave a theatrical sigh, bringing Belle back to the present, or more accurately his presence, hanging over her shoulder whilst she was writing. Well, attempting to write. 

“Yes, I know that we’ve been over it many times, but for all the times that you’ve said that you’re not going to write about me, you’ve never actually given me a satisfactory reason why.”

Belle opened her mouth to protest that she had given him more than enough reasons why she wouldn’t write about him, but then she closed it again on realising, upon reflection, that he did have a point and that none of them could really be classed as satisfactory. In fact, most of them, now that she thought about it, were as ludicrous as his own attempts to win Scrabble with nonsense words. 

She turned back to her laptop and set her fingers on the keys, determined to get a halfway decent blog post out before her agent gave up on her completely. The conversation with Rumpelstiltskin was closed, and it was going to stay that way. He was uncharacteristically quiet as she began to type again, focussing on the much more mundane aspects of her writing process, and Belle wondered if he’d retreated to the cupboard under the stairs in a huff. She glanced sideways without turning her head, but he was still there, and she turned fully. 

He was watching her intently with his head on one side, brow furrowed as if he was lost in thought. 

“There is a reason, but you don’t want to tell me.”

“That’s preposterous,” Belle muttered. She turned back to the screen, hoping that the glare from it would hide the fact that her cheeks were beginning to flush. 

He had got to the truth of the matter. Of course he had. Belle wasn’t entirely unconvinced that he was a creature out of her own mind and so naturally, he knew what she was thinking, well, sort of. He certainly knew all the things that made her tick and made her annoyed, and he used the knowledge well enough. There was a fundamental reason why Belle didn’t want to write about Rumpelstiltskin, and she definitely didn’t want to tell him. 

She stopped writing, fingers still hovering over the keys as she worked through her own thought process. 

Why didn’t she want to tell him? Was she fearful of his reaction? Maybe the time had come for the truth after all. They had been living in close quarters for a while now, and they had certainly got to know each other in that time. 

She took a deep breath and closed the laptop lid, turning around in her chair to face him fully. His face was serious for once; he could tell that this moment was an important one. 

“I don’t want to write about you because I don’t know what will happen to you if I do,” she said eventually. 

“Oh.” He evidently hadn’t been expecting that answer out of all the possible ones that she could have given. “Oh.”

“Whoever you are, and wherever you came from, you came into my life for a reason. You’ve given me so many ideas and so much scope for writing since you arrived, but I don’t want to write about you in case… In case you disappear again. What if, once I put you down on the page, you go back to wherever it was you came from. You’ve always said that I summoned you somehow for help. Maybe this is the way that you’re supposed to help. You’ll inspire me to get over my writer’s block, and in doing so, you become part of the page. You turn back into the fantastical being that you were always supposed to be.”

“Oh.” Belle had never known Rumpelstiltskin to be lost for words before, and whilst she would ordinarily welcome the break from his teasing and chatting, now she really wished that he would say something. 

He came over, sitting on her desk beside her. “I hadn’t thought about it like that,” he admitted. “I don’t know what would happen either. Are you saying that you don’t want me to go?”

“Well, you know, I’ve sort of got used to having you around.” Belle smiled. “It’s been nice having some company for these past few months, however strange you might be.”

Rumpelstiltskin nodded his agreement. “I’m not entirely sure where I came from or what came before now, but I’ve certainly enjoyed being here. Given a choice, I don’t think that I would want to give it up. At least not yet.”

There was a long pause until Rumpelstiltskin spoke again. 

“So… Now what?”

“Now will you stop prodding me to get me to write about you?”

Rumpelstiltskin nodded. “Yes, I think that would be a very good start. So, you want me to stay? You’re happy with me being around?”

Belle smiled. “Very happy. Even if I don’t write about you, you’re still a treasure trove of other plot ideas. Tell me more about that one with the sentient cactus.”

Rumpelstiltskin launched into the tale, and Belle felt the plot beginning to take shape in her brain and the characters begin to sketch themselves out. She had no idea what might happen in the future, or how long Rumpelstiltskin was going to be with her, but she knew that they were going to have a very fun time.

[imaginaryelle]

Wei Wuxian, Mutism and Non-Verbal Communication

I am making a fresh post because I’ve been having issues with asks and especially read mores in asks, and this post is definitely going to require that. So. (edit: this is now also available to read on AO3!)

@tamyourue​​​ asked:

For the prompt request thingy - I'm a Sign nerd, and I've read quite a few mute!lwj, which is not that surprising. But what about a mute!wwx? I think it would be interesting to explore that with the way his family and lwj would handle it, if he was either born this way or acquired a disability later in life. How would HE handle it, being such a lively and talkative person? I planned on writing a fic of the sort but you do awesome meta, and another person's pov would be really fascinating to me.

Thank very much for asking! This immediately grabbed my brain and yanked me face-first into headcanons and possibility permutations. I’m going to try to focus on something more meta-style since you mention that (and aw <3 thank you! I have lots of fun writing my meta so I’m glad you like it!), but if you write fic on this topic I would love to see it. I am 100% certain you know more about sign language than me (I know very little but this whole thing has rekindled my interest in learning, if you have suggestions for resources!) so please do correct me if I make some erroneous statements or assumptions here. Also, I feel like I should note here that I got a little carried away (this is ~7k folks) and some of the things here are probably ideas you’ve already thought about as general concepts of non-verbal communication. I’ve included them anyway because they helped me process all my other thoughts. As always, I welcome additional input on my meta.

Okay so first off, I did some research, because I love research. (Possibly this should go without saying, and I’m sure you yourself already know this, but just in case, for general context and because this is a public post: I do think it’s important to treat things like this—any form of disability or illness or othering—with respect for the real life people who deal with it every day. Let’s not romanticize these things, right? Or just use it to woobify or infantilize characters or write disability tragedy porn? And let’s do make sure we’re doing our research and consuming media (essays, blog posts, videos, etc) created by those people about their experience? Good? Good.) Some non-comprehensive sources I consulted:

This masterlist of resources (includes deaf, mute and blind character writing resources compiled from real life experiences—trigger warning on the “21 People Reveal” link: trauma, depression, rape mention)

This I Am Mute AMA on reddit

This British Psychological Society Research Digest on adults who experience selective mutism (in their own words)

Wikipedia’s Mutism page (I promise the link is there), which lists various conditions that can lead to someone not being able to speak

I also attempted to research a bit about the history of sign language in China, but most of what I found was either comparison to ASL (here’s a video on family terms) or the fact that there are two different sign languages: a literary sign language that reflects written Chinese, and a natural sign language. Also most of what I found was focused more on the Deaf community. The history of mute people in China turned up even fewer results, unfortunately, so if anyone knows good sources for that, let me know!

Jumping off all of that, things that matter for writing a Wei Wuxian who is mute: is Wei Wuxian the only mute person he knows? Are there other mute or deaf people around who use any kind of sign language? When did he become mute? How? Is it physical or psychological? Full-on cannot speak at all or selective based on environment? And is this more novel-verse, or more drama-based? (This meta is going to reference the drama more than the novel, primarily because we get to see body language and some relationships are more fleshed out, but I believe most points should work for both canons.) Questions to be answered on an individual fic basis, of course, but let’s consider some possibilities.

Character-wise, one of the biggest things here for me is that Wei Wuxian hates being ignored. It’s not exactly that he needs to be the center of attention at every single moment, but he’s a showman. Even if the protagonist of the story was someone else, he’d still be there, attracting attention and calling people out on unfairness and generally being that combination of nuisance and talented genius that we love. And he already lives in a world where he can be silenced and isolated—people drown him out, talk over him and dismiss him on a regular basis in canon, and of course there’s the Lan Clan silencing spell.

Multiple people (especially various Jin family members, but also Madam Yu and a few others) use social class and rumor and perceptions of power to shut him down throughout the story, even though he is entirely capable of speaking and often doesn’t keep quiet when it might be beneficial for him to do so. Being mute is only going to exaggerate that ability for others to disregard him, but he’s still going to be that dramatic, fiercely opinionated guy, even if he can’t communicate verbally. He tries to talk through the silencing spell practically every time it’s put on him as it is (and really, what is the Lan Clan going to do to him if he already can’t speak? That spell now becomes a totally useless punishment for him). He’s still going to disrupt Lan Qiren’s class and volunteer to show off and make noise and draw attention to himself. He might be ignored more easily, and consequently get frustrated more often, but he’s still going to do it, because being dutifully silent or nonreactive for more than a single conversation pretty much means just not being Wei Wuxian. So how does he communicate?

I do think it matters here, when he becomes mute and whether it’s selective or not. If he’s born unable to speak, or develops muteness in early childhood (say, after his parents die but before Jiang Fengmian takes him in), I think he’d develop his methods of communication in different ways than if it were to happen later. In the case of childhood mutism I think he’s more likely to use (or develop) actual sign language, and to depend on other people (such as his siblings) to speak aloud for him in some situations. I mostly base that on 1) the trust-building between him, Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli in those early-life flashbacks 2) how much more often he talks to merchants than anyone else (more on that later) and 3) how much nonverbal communication he uses already (it’s a lot. He’s very expressive). If he becomes mute as a teen or adult, I think he’ll deal with a lot more like he deals with the loss of his golden core: deflection of worry, insistence on independence as much as possible, and lots of inventive solutions (but still lots of body language, of course).

Okay, with those trends in mind, here are some general possibilities (in no particular order) that mix real world tactics and mdzs setting specifics and can be applied to a variety of situations:

1. As mentioned above, he might use expressions, body language, generally understood gestures or actions. Wei Wuxian tends to be pretty physically expressive in canon already, so this is likely to be his first instinct when he reaches for communication tools. Let’s look at another silencing spell gif.

Wei Wuxian is extremely expressive every time this is used on him. He makes faces. He waves his arms. He stomps and grabs at people. Where other people hit with this technique frown and look confused and touch their lips or neck, Wei Wuxian complains. He pouts. He makes a production out of how much he hates it. His moods, in general, tend to involve his entire body. So I take that as pretty strong evidence that gestures, facial expressions and miming are going to play a pretty big role in his communication style. Here is a fun youtube video for CSL of the Tortoise and the Hare story, which I think has bearing on how much he could get away with just using his face and miming. Making faces and grabbing Lan Wangji’s wrist or sleeve isn’t going to change here, and he might in fact get even handsier, if that’s possible. As a cultivator, Wei Wuxian would have access to a level of physical adroitness that most people don’t, which could also tie in to how he uses his body to communicate. In general, these are things that are going to make it difficult for him to hide his identity after his resurrection if he’s mute beforehand, but they help a lot with conveying basic ideas so they’re definitely going to be involved somehow, no matter what else he does. Something of a contrast to stories about Lan Wangji and muteness, perhaps.

2. He might communicate through his siblings/other people. Jin Zixuan gets by with saying extremely little because he almost always has other people around who are more than willing to speak for him. Jiang Cheng, pre-Sunshot Campaign, does some of the same (he’s so surprised to be called on and have to speak for himself during that first victory banquet), and of course we sometimes see this play out between Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian in canon already: Wei Wuxian will voice things that Lan Wangji is feeling or agrees with, but is unwilling to actually say. So it’s conceivable that Wei Wuxian could get a lot of communication done by having his siblings or close friends (depending on where in the timeline the story takes place) speak for him, as he communicated with them via some other method (at its most basic just an understanding of his pov and what he would want to say, extending into body language, personal signs or sign language, notes, etc.). The best candidate for this is going to be Jiang Yanli, as we do see her stand up and speak for him in drama canon, when people start questioning whether their being alone together is appropriate. I think Jiang Cheng would do his best, but he’d also be inconsistent about it sometimes in situations where he didn’t think it was important or didn’t agree with Wei Wuxian, because he can be a moody dick when he wants to be and he’s not that great at talking himself. I forsee lots of brotherly shoulder punches and slaps upside the head. So many. More than usual. Jiang Fengmian might do a little, as might other Jiang Clan disciples (they certainly seem to like Wei Wuxian well enough to try).

As you might be able to tell, I think this method of communication is much more likely to be used if he’s mute while growing up. If he’s injured as an adult, or loses the ability to speak after he’s resurrected, he’s going to have to build all this context from scratch and it’s going to be much more difficult for this method to work smoothly. It could still work to a certain extent, but it probably won’t be as fluid. On the other hand, if Wei Wuxian was mute as a child, he’d likely be almost immediately recognizable to anyone who regularly interacted with him before his death, especially in the drama, where he has the same body. Jiang Cheng won’t have a moment of doubt when Zidian fails to banish Wei Wuxian’s invading spirit from Mo Xuanyu’s body, because he’ll have had that particular flick of two fingers or turn of a hand with accompanying scowl, etc., acted out in front of him every day for over a decade, and Wei Wuxian will have a much more difficult time hiding that, because it’s muscle memory as well as a form of communication. Which could be a very interesting plot development!

Another possible plot divergence is that if Jiang Yanli starts speaking for her brother at a younger age that might influence her to speak up more just in general, which could hugely affect the story. If she gets used to speaking for Wei Wuxian and herself (and even Jiang Cheng!) rather than letting Wei Wuxian step in as we often see him do, she might involve herself more actively in Sect politics. Which means that she’d likely be attending cultivation conferences more often. Which means that she could be in an incredibly powerful position when stuff starts going down with Wei Wuxian and the Wens. Jiang Cheng is young and stressed and insecure about his place. He doesn’t know how to say “yes, these people helped us, and they don’t deserve what you’re doing to them.” His instinct is to curl around what’s his and protect it, which is exactly what he was raised to do as the future Sect Leader of Lotus Pier. But Jiang Yanli cares about people because they’re people, in much the same way Wei Wuxian does (see: her treatment of Wen Ning during the wedding dress visit, as one example). If she’s at that conference and used to speaking out? She’s going to make a difference, because she has an excellent relationship with Jin Guangshan’s wife and his heir. Jin Zixuan is actively pursuing her at that point. She’s gentry, from a good family (unlike MianMian). She is right on the cusp of marrying into the Jin clan. If nothing else, she has enough influence that if she speaks out, Jiang Cheng will support her, and possibly others (such as Lan Xichen, sitting there looking uncomfortable but not saying anything as long as Wei Wuxian stands on his own). That could be a fun ripple effect to see played out.

3. He might communicate through music. This would be a fantastic place to use the Chinese literature technique of poetry allusions. Different songs or melodies might be associated with different lyrics, or plays, or poems, and so just a short musical phrase could convey a fairly complex (if sometimes more allegorical or symbolic) meaning. This particular method of communication might be most effective in conjunction with the Lans and Nie Huaisang just because they’d be more likely to make quick connections and respond to them without further explanation necessary, but in the right circumstances it could work for most cultivators, since they seem to pride themselves on their literacy. I’m still just barely dipping my toes into this stuff so I don’t have any concrete examples here, but I think it could be a lot of fun to incorporate more music into Wei Wuxian’s life before Chenqing, since he certainly learned to play the dizi somewhere before that whole coreless-in-a-death-trap adventure, and also I think travels with Lan Wangji and the juniors might be fun with some musical references peppered in. Which I might keep in mind even for fics where Wei Wuxian is not mute.

This next song compares Jin Zixun to all the fools of history and legend and finds him lacking.

4. Talismans! Wei Wuxian, being Wei Wuxian, seems to like to use talismans both to get attention and to convey meaning even when he doesn’t have any particular difficulty speaking in canon (I adore the butterfly talisman, okay, I will never be over it). And using talismans doesn’t necessarily mean conveying ideas in words, even though magical glowy writing can very cool.

[insert image of Wei Wuxian writing on his palm, clapping his hands together and then separating them reveal a glowy orange insult to Jin Zixuan’s ego held between them because he’s blunt like that sometimes]

Again, symbols and poetic allusions could be used. Whole landscapes, steaming bowls of soup, he could run wild with his artistic talents. Also he’d probably be able to figure out a sort of magical white-board situation with writing and erasing and re-writing script easily, though it would consume spiritual power of one type or another so it might be more difficult for him to pull off for a longer conversation, or after he’s lost his golden core (there’s another fun plot hook to play with: figuring out new ways to communicate as well as necromancy during the Sunshot Campaign). We do see him erase a talisman in the drama during the Yi City stuff, so that’s very nearly canon already. Basic writing would also be an option here (as we see Song Lan use) but I think the frustrations of needing ink and a brush or writing on the ground and everything would get to him pretty fast—Wei Wuxian is not a very patient person most of the time, so unless it’s actual letter-writing or a book of pre-set phrases he carries with him (probably a good idea for emergencies anyway) I don’t think that’s going to be his go-to.

Another talisman option is: let’s not forget that Wei Wuxian is a genius inventor! He could do so many things with cultivation. To pull from a real world technology example: Maybe he makes a talisman he can wrap around his throat that will convey the vibrations of his vocal chords (provided he has fully developed ones of course). Maybe he combines talismans and fireworks to get attention and write sparkly messages at the same time. To pull from things already in the canon: Maybe he uses Empathy for really important situations. Maybe he can literally steal other people’s voices momentarily, as he does control of bodies, or, post-Burial Mounds, maybe he can speak through the voices of spirits and fierce corpses. How freaking creepy would those be? One is like the reverse of the Lan Clan silencing spell: you can’t speak, but I can use your voice, potentially out of your own mouth. The other is just going to make traditional cultivators break out in hives: Wei Wuxian showing up to the war and every time he wants to speak he summons a fierce corpse or a ghost to scream his thoughts into annoying people’s faces.

Those last two aren’t going to win him any friends but oh wow do they look fun.

Imagine Wei Wuxian roasting Su She and exposing his whole plan in Su She’s own voice.

One last thing here that just occurred to me: Wei Wuxian has on at least one occasion in the drama used the paperman to talk to someone. He does it with Wen Qing, to ask if there’s any way she can arrange a break for Lan Wangji when he’s walking on a broken leg. Is that a telepathy thing? Or a voice thing? And would his ability to do it be affected by his relationship with spoken words? Food for thought.

5. Context or partner-based signs. These would be signs he makes up or develops in conjunction with friends and family, but which are based on shared experience and reference points rather than a full sign language. Could be pretty much anything as long as they mean something to his audience, but are going to be useful mostly for those cases where he’s having a one-on-one conversation or trying to get someone else to verbalize for him in a larger group. Counting on fingers, waving, summoning, the three-finger swear Wei Wuxian uses on that rooftop during the Sunshot Campaign etc. would be examples of generally socially known gestures so this is mostly just an extension of that. I would like to think that he would have personalized sign nick-names for people, probably related to puns or in-jokes. This is a fun place to play with context and relationship complexity, because different people are going to have different levels of fluency in “Wei Wuxian.” Perhaps that’s part of the wedge that drives itself between him and Jiang Cheng even: after months on end with the Wens, Wei Wuxian has mannerisms and signs Jiang Cheng doesn’t know, which just make him feel even more distant from his brother.

6. He might use an actual established sign language of some kind, probably one usually used in trade contexts (because there are many dialects and languages in Ancient China so trade sign could very easily be a thing) unless you build more of a social network (and more general social acceptance) for mute and deaf people into the world. Which could totally happen! But if you don’t tweak the world-building then sign language as a language beyond trade sign is going to be minimally useful to most individuals who would need it, because they’re mostly going to be communicating with people who don’t use it (as can often happen in the real world, of course). I think a general-use sign language or trade sign + personal signs could be a lot of fun, especially between close family and friends (how much would especially drama!Wen Ning love that added level of connection and communication?)

Look at them. Look at this ridiculousness.

But outside of that it’s probably not going to be something anyone but especially kind souls will actually use with him beyond actual monetary transactions. This is not a canon that’s generally kind to people who are marked as different. Most of the big cultivators probably wouldn’t even learn much trade sign, especially not the Jins and Wens, because they have servants to negotiate prices for them if necessary, but the Jiangs might learn both because they’re closer to their trade-port commoners and for Wei Wuxian’s sake. Anyone who travels alone would want to know some, at least. Lan Wangji might know a little and learn more specifically to communicate with Wei Wuxian? Could go a lot of directions.

7. Clapping, tapping things together, stomping, whistling, and maybe laughter, vocal crying or screaming, humming and whispers. These methods of communication will depend a lot on why a character is mute and whether it’s physically or psychologically-based. Clapping, tapping, stomping and whistling should be generally possible; the rest depend on vocal chord development and certain nerves being functional. Interestingly, this means that Wei Wuxian still has total control over simple fierce corpses and spirits even if his vocal chords don’t work or are damaged. Which is cool. Clapping/tapping/stomping would allow him to engage in morse/chinese telegraph/tapping code styles of communication too, if such a thing exists in Ancient Fantasy China (Why not? They already have chilies and potatoes and fly on swords). A whistle code for night hunting would just be a useful thing in general, for everyone. Limited speech might also be a thing. In some cases of selective mutism people can speak with certain people (a feeling of safety seems to be a big factor, though sometimes I saw reports of people saying they could speak just fine if it was on stage/part of a theatre production but not for day-to-day stuff too), or at low volumes. This might be more taxing than other forms of communication, or not, depending on the specific situation. It might lead to things like Wei Wuxian being able to talk to his family and possibly close friends like Lan Wangji, but not in large groups or to “outsiders,” which might in turn lead to more resentment on some people’s parts and more accusations that he’s just being rude or arrogant, etc.

8. Fan code. Because it should exist, why is Nie Huaisang the only person in this canon with a fan. Should be remedied, obviously.

Think of the things he could be saying if he had anyone to talk to this way!

9. The telepathy spell from fighting the Tortoise of Slaughter. This is a drama-exclusive thing, and I love it! So much! But. Telepathy is a very common workaround for characters who are unable to use verbal language and personally I think it’s often used to just totally erase that non-verbal communication or any of the difficulties actual mute people experience. So. It might be more interesting, and more respectful for real people’s lived experience, to introduce some further obstacles. What are the spell’s limits? Distance? Duration? Can it involve more than two people? Does it consume energy from all parties or only the person who initiates it? Who knows it? Is it a Lan Clan specialty? Is it only for highly ranked disciples? Did Lan Wangji invent it? Do the Lan juniors know this spell? If they do, would they use it? If yes to both those last two questions, that eliminates a lot of barriers for resurrected Wei Wuxian. Both Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi seem like they would willingly (with varying levels of sass of course) take on the task of relaying Wei Wuxian’s thoughts, at least sometimes. But again, it matters when Wei Wuxian becomes mute, because language and how you communicate shapes how you think. What if one of them or Lan Wangji uses the spell, and Wei Wuxian’s thoughts don’t come across as direct words? How does that impact their ability to communicate in this way?

Also, I invite you to picture: Wei Wuxian is back from the dead. He has been reunited with Lan Wangji. He can’t talk, verbally, but he can speak with Lan Wangji telepathically. This is a new development related to his resurrection. Lan Wangji is now faced with a dilemma, because he kind of depends on Wei Wuxian to do all the talking in a number of situations as the plot moves forward. How do they maneuver those situations now? The confrontation of the second Burial Mounds siege? The reveal of Jin Guangyao’s crimes? Also, depending on how the spell works and their communication style before Wei Wuxian died, it’s totally possible that he now just has Wei Wuxian chattering at him inside his head rather constantly, to make up for the fact that he suddenly can’t speak aloud. How does that affect their changing relationship as they go on adventures?

A possible example of this scenario.

Okay, time for some character implications. You know that thing Wei Wuxian does where he has to prove that he is at least as good and usually better than everyone else at whatever he can manage even though he’s an orphaned child of non-gentry parents? Yeah. That’s probably going to get cranked up all the way past 11 to like, 17 or something. A lot. Because if Wei Wuxian can’t verbally speak in a culture where oratory is such an ingrained part of daily life and cultivator culture, a lot of people are going to use that to assume he’s also stupid or unskilled. We see repeated examples of Wen Ning and Jiang Cheng being disregarded or manipulated through their inability to give speeches the way other people do, and the ability to speak well is mentioned as a distinct and admirable ability in reference to both Jin Guangyao and Ouyang Zizhen. It’s something cultivator politics pretty much requires, after a certain point: the ability to speak, clearly and with authority. Not being able to is going to tick Wei Wuxian off to no end. Frequently. And also (I believe) add even more fuel to his “I’m better than you” antics.

He’s still going to be this dramatic asshole, and he’s still going to be better than Jin Zixuan.

Speech doesn’t affect any of those gentlemanly skills he’s learned (provided we assume he still ahs the opportunity to learn them). It doesn’t affect his archery, or his swordsmanship, or his cultivational power. I don’t think it would affect horsemanship, but it might depend on how the horse was trained and what sounds Wei Wuxian is able to make. But either way, with the skills he does have I think it’s possible he would flaunt them even more, especially in front of people he thinks look down on him. He might also get into more physical fights, since he already has a tendency to do that as is when he’s offended enough (most obviously illustrated by his Cloud Recesses confrontation of Jin Zixuan). He might just walk out of more conversations, as we saw him do during the Sunshot Campaign, even before he loses his gold core. He might get even more unconventional in his ideas even more quickly, because he doesn’t fit in as well from the start and never will. The appeal of becoming a rogue cultivator or trying to seek out Baoshan Sanren on his own might be pretty strong. Lots of canon divergence and AU possibilities there.

As far as inter-character relationships go, if he’s mute from childhood I don’t think his relationships with his adopted family would change a whole lot. Madam Yu is going to throw his muteness in his and everyone else’s faces on a regular basis because it’s another handle she can grab onto. Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli might be more protective of him, but I think their personal dynamic with him would remain largely the same. Same with Jiang Fengmian. Jiang Yanli might speak up more often and Jiang Cheng might be forced to develop more patience and eloquence at a younger age, which could certainly ripple out into bigger things over time if you wanted to go that direction. Similarly, Lan Sizhui might have vague memories/ an increased ability to pick up the meaning behind “Mo Xuanyu’s” gestures and signs, which in turn could lead to his own identity being revealed sooner as well. It really depends on how deep you want to go, and how far you want to spin things.

Wei Wuxian’s relationships with the rest of the cultivation world, on the other hand, might be drastically different from a younger age because there’s always going to be that hint there that he’s lacking something, even more than he already gets with his birth status. I could absolutely see it being used in a very similar way to how mentions of Jin Guangyao’s parentage are used. In addition, Wei Wuxian’s going to have a harder time charming his way through situations, because the pacing of his conversations is going to be different. A lot of people are going to avoid him even before he turns to demonic cultivation because they don’t want to deal with learning new ways to communicate, which might contribute to his desire to show off more often and more drastically. (Some people of course are going to hate him even more because of this, and say things that involve phrases like “despite his shortcomings” but they hate him anyway. So how much that increase in irritation affects plot would depend on how far you wanted to take it.) Many relationships (especially more superficial ones) might have to be built a little bit slower, or a little more indirectly. A single first meeting will make less of an immediate positive impact unless he develops some specific strategies. Is he going to be remembered? Absolutely. But he’ll have to work harder to be remembered as “that charming, skilled Wei kid” instead of “that mute guy from Yunmeng Jiang.” It’s definitely a challenge.

This pun-and-flirting-based conversation, for example, would be very difficult to pull off.

With Lan Wangji specifically… I think it could go a lot of directions. I do like to think that one of the things that he finds attractive about Wei Wuxian is that Wei Wuxian makes it obvious he wants to be around, and be friends, but he accommodates Lan Wangji’s moods and actions without the need for very many verbal cues. He pays attention. All the time. He reacts to everything Lan Wangji does, whether Lan Wangji is talking or not, and he wants Lan Wangji’s attention in return. They actually have a lot of non-verbal communication going on already. They click, on a certain level, especially in combat situations, and can convey a lot of communication without very many words. So I don’t think that part would change much. Maybe more whistles and gestures and music, but it already involves a lot of touching. Nor would that aspect of Lan Wangji trying to figure Wei Wuxian out change a lot—the puzzle part might even be intensified, which could be fun to play with and lead them to be closer from an earlier time, especially in the novel setting. What might change is that Lan Wangi might start picking up more of Wei Wuxian’s ways of expressing himself, because another part of what I personally see in their relationship is that Wei Wuxian is often a catalyst for Lan Wangji realizing he can approach a problem from a totally different angle. If Wei Wuxian uses music to communicate as well as in cultivation, Lan Wangji might pick that up, or he might pick up certain gestures (signs can sometimes be more efficient than spoken words, especially if someone is used to them, and I think that would appeal to Lan Wangji’s economy of expression), or ways to use talismans (as we see him use one of Wei Wuxian’s talismans as a distraction in the drama). So yeah, if Wei Wuxian is mute when they first meet I think they would develop some slightly different lines of communication, but overall the shape of their relationship would remain largely the same. (Exploring those slightly different lines could be a lot of fun, even so :D)

A lot of the things I’ve written here are primarily based in the idea that Wei Wuxian is mute in childhood. If Wei Wuxian lost the ability to speak as a teen or adult, that would be pretty different. His frustration levels would be even higher than if he was dealing with it most of his life, especially since, as I noted above, I don’t think he would have as much of a chance to build a working knowledge of signs with very many people, if anyone at all. If his reaction to being trapped at Burial Mounds and becoming first a war hero and then a social pariah are any indication, he’d be dramatic and angry about it, and probably actively use it as a blind to disguise his lack of a golden core as much as possible. I think in any case where he became mute after growing up speaking, his chosen methods of communication would be a lot more direct and voice- or writing-based, whether through use of resentment-fueled voice-borrowing or talismans and glowy writing, or inventions like the vocal chord vibration thing. He’s going to be much more resistant to relying on other people if he can at all avoid it, and much more impatient about round-about methods of communication like music. He’d probably also employ a lot of exaggerated facial expressions and emphatic (and probably often rude) gestures. His adulthood is pretty stressful to begin with, and this is only going to make it moreso.

For character reactions in that situation—I think there would be a lot of concern from his siblings and Lan Wangji, and depending on when it happened there might be a lot of connections drawn between his inability to speak and his adoption of demonic cultivation. (I see four major points where he might become mute as a teen/adult before his death, and they’re all pretty close together: 1) during the Wen indoctrination camp, 2) when he wakes up from his coma after fighting the Tortoise of Slaughter 3) when Lotus Pier is invaded and destroyed, 4) When Wen Chao captures him and throws him into the Burial Mounds. Potential option #5: in a battle during the Sunshot Campaign.) On the one hand, in these situations Wei Wuxian already has established relationships based mostly in respect with a lot of people, so he might meet with more patience (but also more pity) for a while. On the other, people like Jin Guangshan are absolutely not above using something like this to shut him out of politics entirely.

But okay, among people he actually likes: I think Jiang Yanli and Lan Wangji would put in the most effort for actually communicating with him and helping him find ways to cope, as we see them do in the drama with the golden core situation. They and Jiang Cheng might possibly also narrow in focus pretty hard on finding a cure, if possible, since that falls in line with their reactions to his giving up the sword (something to be careful about in writing, as the difference between “magical cure” and “recovery through speech therapy” can be pretty important on a sensitivity level).

In a case of selective mutism—I think only Jiang Yanli would react well at first.

I cry over their relationship so much.

At this point Jiang Cheng is well and truly into his “why are you making my life harder” phase so Wei Wuxian being able to speak with him in private but not in public might start as a relief and then quickly become annoying as fuck. It might take Lan Wangji a while to figure out it’s even happening, especially if he’s one of the people Wei Wuxian still speaks aloud with. He might just think for a while that Wei Wuxian is trying to be better about controlling his mouth in public settings. But once he did figure it out, he’d probably adjust pretty quickly because he can relate to it a bit—we see him speak in small groups or one on one way more often than in more public stage situations, even though he is generally fully capable of speaking. I do think there would still be an undercurrent of worry there though, especially since at that point in his life Wei Wuxian is pretty close to spiraling out of control at the drop of a hat.

This sort of thing might be a lot more common.

Post-resurrection, Wei Wuxian himself would probably be really, really confused to suddenly be alive again but unable to speak. I think he’d spend some time going “wtf??” and then shoving his way into situations with wild hand gestures and body language and facial expressions. Think about that first confrontation in Mo Village, where he’s acting “mad”? That sort of exaggeration, and deliberately provocative physical contact maybe. He might play really annoying noises on grass or his poorly-made flute to get people’s attention. Whistling is highly probable. There’d probably also be some related depression, too. All of these things are obviously possibilities for if he developed mutism earlier of course, but I think if it came with the resurrection he’d have a lot more questions about it, and focus a lot more on being able to make noise at first.

I will make everyone else aware of my personal annoyance in any way possible.

He might end up doing more instead of trying to lead the Lan juniors to the correct conclusions, because he’s going to have way fewer communication tools than he would under other circumstances. He’d be less able to immediately insult Jin Ling at their first meeting, and less recognizable to Jiang Cheng. And once he met up with Lan Wangji, I think Lan Wangji would worry a lot about his silence in this case, because it’s so unlike him and they don’t know why it’s happened (unless Mo Xuanyu was already known to be mute). Finding a cure or a way to practice and build up speech again would be pretty high in both their priorities, I think, and Lan Wangji would watch Wei Wuxian a bit more closely, to make sure he stayed safe (because if this has changed, what else has changed?).

That oversight could influence the plot a fair amount. It might mean that they don’t catch Nie Huaisang at the Tomb of Blades. It might mean that Wei Wuxian tries to run away more often, or more determinedly, because he feels like he’s being smothered. It might significantly impact their ability to communicate during the Yi City fights in the fog, unless they’ve developed or adopted a whistle or clapping code by then. Wei Wuxian picks up on A-Qing’s tapping quickly enough that he’d probably come up with something a little more sophisticated, given time. They might spend a lot more time in the evenings and while traveling working on ways to communicate. Writing. Music. Empathy-the-technique. Establishing gestures and tapping codes, designing new talismans, etc. but for a while there Wei Wuxian is going to be extremely dependent on Lan Wangji (and possibly sometimes Lan Sizhui) to interpret and speak for him, which is a major change in their relationship that could be really interesting to explore. Does Lan Wangji start speaking out more often? Or does he employ intimidation or position or the silencing spell to make others wait for Wei Wuxian to communicate in other ways? How does that effect Wei Wuxian’s hidden identity? Does this experience resolve their friendship-to-lovers plot faster, or does it provide just provide even more opportunities for miscommunication?

The possibilities for fic are very nearly endless, I think, but my personal favorite options would be either something with the voice stealing and fierce-corpse-yelling (the consequences would be huge but individual moments could be very satisfying) or a fic focused on Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian working together, building new communication tools and deepening their relationship through shared context, because I am a Wangxian sap at heart <3.

[micahammon]

All the walls are crumbling because they were never real

I’m moving into belief. I’ve spent my whole life trying to understand the nature of life and identify the construction of right and wrong, truth and illusion. It’s a fascinating process and I know I’ll never be done with it, and that’s exciting and makes life interesting. But I feel like I’ve come to a point in my process of discovery something like scientists did when they discovered quantum physics. 

In Newtonian physics everything has a cause and effect. There exists a linear relationship between action and consequence. That is true and will continue to be so forever. But Newtonian physics cannot describe everything that happens in the material world. When the scale of matter becomes really small, on the level of atoms, Newtonian physics no longer succeeds as a theory. Atoms are governed by different laws, and quantum theory, as bizarre and unintuitive as it is, continues to be proven true.

Physical reality is made up of two theories which have yet to be reconciled. Although they appear to be incompatible, compatible they must be. The physical world and everything we see with the naked eye is built on the foundation of the irrational and the impossible. The particles which we are made of can move within and without time, be in two places at the same time, and seemingly violate the universal speed limit--the speed of light. Particles can be physical matter which take up space in the physical world, and at the same time, be a wave--like a radio wave if you will. Somehow reality is built upon this impossibility.

"Reality is far fetched. The truth is always a long shot."

As modern humans, we are in a precarious place. A detached place. Our roots are no longer in the soil of the earth which gives us life. We are living in the world of biological theory, political theory, economic theory, etc.--which all function very well and have allowed us to advance incredibly once understood and applied. What is the logical conclusion from this process?

We learn natural laws that we might better understand spiritual laws.

I remember in the first computer science class I took at university, my teacher drew a picture on the board, something like the following...

And then he asked the question, “What’s missing?”. He answered his own question by saying “antimatter”. Then he filled in the “antimatter” absent from view, something like this...

Note: I’m a bad artist but I tried to draw the inverse of what was originally visible. 

So what’s the logical conclusion of reality? Reality is a paradox. There’s always a catch.

Note: The teacher then went on to name laughter as an example of something behaving like antimatter. In this regard, we can theorize that antimatter comes in to play where we have inflection points. That’s useful to think about in the context of the choices we make, day by day.

Note 2: Antimatter, which cannot be seen, “refers to sub-atomic particles [that] have properties opposite those of normal matter.” It’s useful to note that this is in the quantum world, where perhaps, we could say that everything there is existing simultaneously.

I think the first paradox was in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. They were also commanded not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The problem which may not be obvious depending on your brand of Christianity is that Adam and Eve apparently could not keep both commandments at the same time. They were in a state of innocence and could not procreate without first creating the fall through eating of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. 

I’ve heard it said that what may appear to be contradictory to us is not to God, and that somehow He can balance two conditions in perfect harmony which appear mutually exclusive. I don’t know how God could do it in the example of the Garden of Eden, but I do think we should learn to try it in other areas.

I am nothing. I am everything.

Helaman 12:7 O how great is the nothingness of the children of men; yea, even they are less than the dust of the earth.

John 10:34 Jesus answered them, “Is it not written in your law, ‘I said, “You are gods”’?

Through the course of a day we may need to remind ourselves of either of these quotes. What’s important is that we have to choose to put the concept into use in order to humble or inspire ourselves as needed. We have to draw up the belief then let it guide.

All truth is paradox.

My brother once responded to the above statement by saying that the paradox of truth serves as the fuel for free agency. That is an extremely instructive comment, which makes me think of Einstein’s dissatisfaction with the then emerging theory of quantum physics. When Einstein analyzed and documented the workings of the universe, he did so from the perspective of trying to understand the mind of God. He disbelieved the theory of quantum mechanics presented by Niels Bohr; the same theory that today continues to be scientifically verifiable. What he objected to was that in this explanation of the universe, the natural world became a lot more random. It seemed to diminish the role of the Master Designer. Einstein’s famous quote was “God does not play dice (with the universe)”.

I sometimes think that quantum physics only appears mysterious and random to us because we cannot see the complete picture, we are only seeing the effects of things in the physical world and perhaps there are other counterparts like antimatter that we can’t see (but can detect) and even beyond that, other counterparts we can’t even detect with clever testing.

On the other hand, there is beauty in accepting the concept of an “uncreate Reality” that can represent the quantum state. We in the Newtonian state have become the created Reality which “shows forth in our beings the uncreate Reality.” That is to say, our physical world and our physical selves are manifestations of the uncreated reality. 

Alma 30:44 ...all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator...

What we see here in this world is a manifestation of God and the uncreate Reality beyond. Said in different words we have the following:

“For the Source of All Life created the worlds by dividing Its Unmanifest Unity into the manifesting Duality, and we that are created show forth in our beings the uncreate Reality. Each living soul has its roots in the Unmanifest and draws thence its life, and by going back to the Unmanifest we find fulness of life.“

The uncreated reality represents a primordial place from which the physical world is drawn into being from. This place we could liken to the quantum state. I make this comparison because when we can understand a concept in the real world, it helps us to have the faith or belief to put it into practice for our own benefit.

To address Einstein’s concerns, quantum mechanics may actually be evidence of God’s will to give us more free agency by providing an uncreate Reality with which we can interact. For one, It provides some “randomness” whereby everything that happens is not simply a predestined linear result of cause and effect--thereby, we cannot blame every thing that happens as a direct consequence of God’s original first act of creation (whereby He would have known the exact consequences of every single thing to ever happen, and the only intrigue in all of it would be our discovery of the result). Secondly, and more importantly, the interconnection of the quantum and Newtonian world can become for us a primordial wellspring from which we too can create. I am suggesting that it is belief and faith which allows us to materialize things in the physical world. Even as God himself does. 

Hebrews 11:3 Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God...

Lastly, the context of reality, or truth being a paradox further bolsters free agency because it provides choice, even as it did for our first parents. The choices you choose to make are based on what you first choose to believe. In the paradox, you are able to believe whichever aspect you choose to focus on because it also has basis in reality.

I don’t speak of the choice between good and evil, but rather the choice between beliefs. Belief is a tool you can use to do good or harmful things.

I think it’s important to iterate that prerogative is a part of free agency and choice. 

Doctrine and Covenants 58:27 Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness.

We know we should do many good things of our own free will and choice but those choices will naturally be more oriented to our own dispositions. The challenge is not to confuse limiting beliefs about ourselves with what is our true nature and disposition. In fact, what I am getting at is that we should use faith and belief to overcome our limitings habits, beliefs and worldview.

I reckon that beliefs become powerful as they connect to internal desire. Since that is the case, it is instructive to follow the path of our own personal orientation and if there are lessons to be learned, we will learn them much, much faster if we are making the choice for ourselves rather than merely trying to follow someone else’s instruction. That’s because belief is the thing that supercharges our experience.

With belief in play we can properly channel the “why” to our actions and attendant effects in the real world. If we err, the “why” will be there to make clear the error of our ways. Notwithstanding, in the middle of all of this is God’s intervention to steer us from unneeded error if we stray off course, and which can be greatly aided by our responsiveness to His Spirit. 

Let’s introduce something which is not a paradox but tends to be polemic.

Brigham Young said that “we live far beneath our privileges” because we fail to seek and receive the guidance the Lord wants to give us in our spiritual and temporal affairs.

This instruction is meant to help us lay claim to what might be ours but it can also paralyze us if we don’t engage with the belief that we will actually receive it. Successfully gaining access to guidance from the Lord is usually based on the belief and faith we put into it. The important thing is that we need to use belief to create the reality and then it follows that we will receive the guidance. However, we also have to put belief and faith into a great many other things of which we proceed with in lieu of guidance because...

Doctrine and Covenants 58:26 For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things...

We must build and develop our ability to seek and understand guidance from the Lord but most times His guidance works like a signpost as we navigate. It helps us stay on course but there are a million decisions we must make for ourselves along the way by “using [our] best judgement”. 

In my experience the contrast between God having a personal prerogative and objective in the management of choices and not having a prerogative is plainly evident in the line between church affairs and private affairs. When it comes to the administration of callings and duties within the Church I have witnessed an extremely high level of involvement from the Lord. If you pay attention you can see that He is almost constantly involved and directing. The Lord really, really cares about His work. 

As soon as you move away from the realm of the administration of His Church, guidance is much more sparse. It truly feels like our personal lives are meant to be a learning experience through trial and error--a sort of experimentation. It does help us develop our own capabilities bit by bit. When you think about it, that really makes more sense anyways. Perhaps it also allows us to make mistakes without the additional condemnation we might receive if we had access to more from beyond the veil. 

On the other hand, as I consider what will happen in the future as the world is thrown into turmoil and we all begin the work of building Zion I reckon that the line between church affairs and private affairs will become almost indecipherable--and I know that there will be an abundance of guidance as such in order to complete God’s work. There is something to be said for living like that already, here and now.

Gospel of Thomas 22: When you make the two into one, and when you make the inner like the outer and the outer like the inner, and the upper like the lower, and when you make male and female into a single one, so that the male will not be male nor the female be female...

The world is separating from a longstanding known reality. Social systems are being dismantled with an intention to reengineer them. Truth and science have become weaponized. We are dependent on technology more and more. Algorithms and big data will rule our lives. Breakages will occur. Power grids will be threatened. IT infrastructure will be compromised. Natural resources will become scarce. There will be natural disasters. Financial systems will collapse. Some of these things will be unplanned, others intentional.

I’ve always thought it so peculiar the human creature existing on this planet. All the animals on the earth have been endowed with instincts which directly provision their survival. Many young animals are taught survival skills during infancy, that is true, but even if they lose their mother, their instincts will guide them the rest of the way.

Humans on the other hand are nearly helpless without the knowledge passed on from generation to generation. At this point we’ve already lost our connection to mother earth. In our quest to master nature we have also sought to remove ourselves from nature--mother nature and also what we might call human nature.   

As the walls crumble around us and the very ground is swept from under our feet, our only choice is to evolve and learn to fly.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”

Faith and belief will enable many to do things which we previously knew to be impossible in the Newtonian world. To evolve means to move beyond the structures (spiritual and otherwise) we have upheld for sake of dogma. Those structures will be shaken. God’s work will not fail but we are to learn not to look beyond the mark. Ultimately, to evolve will result in having our natures changed into that resembling God as we learn to create/do through faith and belief. 

For those whose trust remains in the shifting sands of the world’s social, economic, political and even scientific structures--they will be left without root and branch to stand on. 

We’ll have to act for ourselves rather than be acted upon.  We have to use faith and belief to power those actions or else it will be hollow inside and our hearts will ultimately fail us.

Luke 21:26 Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth...

Let’s go back to the world of very small particles...

If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed...

Matthew 17:19-20 Then came the disciples to Jesus apart, and said, Why could not we cast him out? And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

I’ve always thought it so curious that basically the whole point of our existence on this earth is to learn to exercise faith and belief. Before we can really do anything, the important first step is starting with a real belief that we can do the thing we set out to do. When we supercharge our actions with belief, the universe responds. 

I posit that we on this earth are here to learn to become co-creators with God--creating through faith just as God does.

Sometimes we are able to energize belief through our belief in others, but it’s not always enough, as I believe was the case with the disciples of Jesus referenced in the example above and Oliver Cowdery desiring to participate in translating the Book of Mormon. 

Doctrine and Covenants 9:11 Behold, it was expedient when you commenced; but you feared, and the time is past, and it is not expedient now;

Let it be noted that this was free agency in action, since it wasn’t in the original design of God that Oliver Cowdry participate in the translation, but it would have been permitted if he had faith enough.

Because God wanted Joseph to translate, He gave him extra strength to be able to do it.

Doctrine and Covenants 9:11 For, do you not behold that I have given unto my servant Joseph sufficient strength, whereby it is made up?

To aid with the translation of the Book of Mormon Joseph received special seer stones called the Urim and Thummim. What’s curious is that Joseph often used his own seer stone rather than strictly relying on the Urim and Thummim. Eventually Joseph had enough faith to do without seer stones altogether as he continued to receive revelations. I believe that the Urim and Thummim were there to build his belief and make up for his strength until he was able to fully energize belief in himself, his ability.

Believe that you have received it, and it will be yours

One thing that hurts belief is by having a narrow view based on the here and now. When we think of how things are supposed to happen in the Newtonian world we limit the power of the supernatural quantum, timeless uncreate Reality which is boundless. We have to allow for the uncreate Reality, unintuitive non-Newtonian world to intercede. We connect to this state though the particle of belief.

As long as I believe in myself I find I can do certain things. If I ceased to believe in myself, I think I should just crumble into dust, like an unwrapped mummy.

I have said all of this in order to say this, we need to use belief daily in order to shape our lives in the way that we truly wish them to be. Our lives have ended up the way they are precisely because of the beliefs we have engaged about ourselves, others and the nature of reality. If you say that you belief that life can be grand and beautiful but you spend your days dejected and depressed, then you aren’t engaging the grand and beautiful beliefs. Whether we like it or not, beliefs are constantly directing our lives. 

“The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge, while an ordinary man takes everything either as a blessing or a curse.”

There are indeed blessings and curses in our lives but we cannot ascribe our current condition to merely a result of those two things. In addition, we need to enlarge the gratitude we feel for the blessings and overlook where possible the curses. Feeling gratitude will enlarge our beliefs and strengthen the conduit between us and the Divine.

When we engage in belief in order to shape and direct our lives we cannot merely state a belief and then forget about it. We have to return to the belief day after day.

I have been reading about 45 books a year for the last 5 years. I set a goal on a website which helps track my progress and keeps me motivated. The first year I started the reading challenge I set my goal as 100 books for the year. I didn’t have experience and I didn’t really know what that meant though. It was an idle, pie in the sky wish. I didn’t return to the goal frequently. I forgot about it most of the year and I finished with 33 books that year.

That reminds me of Oliver Cowdry’s wish to participate in the translation of the Book of Mormon. If he had more experience or at least consistent belief he could have succeeded. The same was true of me. Experience does help, in so far as it helps to reduce fear since we have better bearings on the task before us. Perhaps fear is like antimatter.

That’s the tricky thing with belief and faith. If we have enough faith we could actually move mountains. But most of us probably don’t have enough belief to make that happen. But we could and that promise is available for us, but perhaps we misunderstand something about belief. 

Mark 11:23-24 (NIV) Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

The NIV translation makes more clear something which has caught on with new age spirituality, like in books such as The Secret, and others which profess the power of manifesting in our lives by using the so-called law of attraction.

New age spirituality has brought us the power of meditation and living mindfully, which have slowly come into mainstream Christianity and that includes the LDS church. 

And indeed, meditation and mindfulness are key parts of nurturing belief as I am prescribing. The current problem we have with incubating belief is that, as mentioned above, we already have many beliefs which are like weeds choking out the good belief that we want to use to empower our lives. We live barely cognizant of the incessant, mind-numbing chatter going on about our heads. You can consider all the thoughts that jump into our minds as competing beliefs. It’s a battlefield for our minds and our empowering beliefs may fall casualty if we don’t learn to quiet the mind and focus. That enables us to act for ourselves rather than to be acted upon.

The first thing we need to do with the mind is wash it, clean it up, not only once or twice a day as we do for the body but in all our waking moments.

Similarly...

Doctrine & Covenants 121:45 let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly...

A way which helps me practice a chosen belief is to do an experiment of thought. What I mean is that on a given day I may tell myself that I am doing an experiment of thinking that day and that helps me to suspend disbelief as I am merely there to analyze and watch the results of what happens, rather than to prove veracity or to gauge the level of real belief. I did one experiment of imagining each person as I would my own self.

Mark 12:31 love thy neighbor as thyself

I really did feel something wonderful that day.

That’s one reason I say that...

life works best when undertaken as an experiment 

Sometimes if we put too much pressure on the act itself, we enlarge the importance of a thing beyond what it truly is. We have to maintain calm levity and not worry about the result; to laugh instead of get caught up in an act’s undue significance. In this way we can shake off a thousand mistakes of ego and bad humor which sabotage us.

the fatal flaw is that average men take themselves too seriously

The balance has been described this way...

Thus a man of knowledge endeavors, and sweats, and puffs, and if one looks at him he is just like any ordinary man, except that the folly of his life is under control. [He regards] nothing as being more important than anything else.  A man of knowledge [can thusly] choose any act, and act it out as if it matters to him. 

So to apply all of this in a practical way let me tell you my plans. I am making and setting goals, big lofty goals. I am aiming for 5 years to enter more fully into the vision I see for my life. I will meditate and pray each day and return again and again to the beliefs--multiple times each day in fact--which I think are necessary to empower me to achieve my goals. I don’t know exactly how things will happen, but I do believe in the scriptures referenced, including the very words of Jesus Christ. I consider it already done because I have picked up the rod, which at the far end connects to the result. The point of access where I grip the rod is belief.

Update Apr 22, 2021: This video supports my view of free will and quantum mechanics. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMb00lz-IfE