#mom loves little jumbo

[astars-things]

Fight

this fic is inspired by Jacks fight last year

reader is 3

"dada" y/n said as she turned to me (Ellen), pointing to the jumbo screen where she saw Jack's number 86, he was on the ground with Aho throwing punches, and Luke standing there with the other guy from the team, I quickly pulled Y/N into my lap, trying to block her view with my body, shielding her from the distressing scene. “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” I cooed, wiping her tears. “Dada’s okay, sweetheart. He’s just having a rough game.”

But she wasn’t fooled. “Dada!” she cried again, her little voice catching, a mix of fear and confusion in her eyes. I could feel her tiny body trembling against me, and it shattered my heart.

I picked her up in my arms and whispered to Jim, "I'm going to take her out of the arena so she doesn't have to see this" he nodded back and off we went, "dada" she cried more, I kept rubbing her back to try and calm her down but nothing was working

"hey, y/n, breathe, bub", I cooed she began to inhale and exhale at a normal rate I carried her through the crowded stands, her little hands clutching my neck. “Dada,” she whimpered, pressing her face against my shoulder. “I know, baby,” I whispered, trying to keep my voice steady. “But we don’t want to see him like this, do we?”

The siren had gone off, signalling the end of the game, I stood in the hall near the devils locker room rocking y/n as we waited for the boys to quickly have a shower and get changed Luke, being Luke, was quick to get out of there, came up to us and grabbed his niece from me, "hey mom hey dad" luke waved, it took Luke two seconds to figure out why his niece had puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks

“Hey, princess,” he said, his voice soft. “It’s okay. Dada’s just playing a game, right? Sometimes they get a little carried away, but he’s tough. He’s okay.”

But Y/N wasn’t buying it. “Dada,” she murmured, her bottom lip trembling. “I know, sweetheart,” Luke said, looking at me with a helpless shrug. “But he’s fine. He’s always fine, right?”

I shook my head, frustration bubbling up inside me. “Luke, I swear, sometimes he’s got rocks for brains. I don’t get it. Why would he put on a show like that in front of her?”

Luke sighed, giving Y/N a tight squeeze. I could see Jack walking out of the locker room "Luke hold y/n while I give Jack a piece of my mind"

“Mom…” he started, his voice low, but I held up a hand, stopping him.

“Jack, we need to talk,” I said firmly, “She doesn’t need to see that, Jack. You know that. She’s just a little girl, and you’ve scared her half to death.” I said, pointing to the little girl who was in Luke's arms

His shoulders slumped, guilt flashing across his face. “I didn’t… I didn’t think about it. I was just so mad, Mom. And then… she was there, watching…”

“Well, maybe you should start thinking about it,” I snapped, not holding back. “She’s three years old, Jack. She doesn’t need to see her father fighting. She needs to know that he loves her, not just that he plays hockey. Do you understand?”

Jack’s head hung, his jaw clenched. “I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t think.”

“Well, you’re thinking now,” I said, softer this time. “You’re going to go over there, and you’re going to apologize to her. For scaring her. For making her think this is what hockey’s all about. Because it’s not. It’s just one part of who you are, Jack. Not the whole.”

Jack nodded, and then he made his way towards Y/N, who was still clinging to Luke. “Hey, bub,” he said, his voice shaking. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just playing hockey, and I got too mad. I love you, Y/N. I love you so much.”

Y/N’s little eyes searched his face, her lips trembling. “I love you, Dada,” she whispered, her small hand reaching out towards him.

Jack immediately takes y/n into his arms his eyes pleading. “I promise, bub, I’ll never do that again in front of you. Okay? I promise.”

She nodded, her tears finally stopping. “Okay, Dada,” she said softly.

Jack wrapped her in a tight embrace, pressing his forehead to hers. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. I love you more than anything in the world.”

That night, he held her close, cuddling her until she fell asleep, whispering apologies into her hair.

“Dada will always protect you, bub. Always.”

[often-daydreaming]

Keep Running

In between one moment and the next reality quakes and for the briefest of moments Jason finds himself standing in the remnants of a destroyed Star City. He knows it's not real, that it's just some magical mumbo jumbo overlaying memory magic nonsense bleeding into their timeline but he can smell the smoke in the air from the fires and hear her tired laughter as the static filled image of a red haired woman sits down beside him. He knows her or at least this version of him does as they talk about the little suicide run they were planning in order to hopefully end things for good and Jason can feel how tired his alternate self is as he takes a seat on the ground beside her. It's all a rush of emotions and faint memories that were getting harder and harder to ignore before he's suddenly back on the Watchtower with every other available hero the League could call in stuck arguing about these stupid visions affecting heroes and villains all over the globe if some of Ra's latest movements were any indication. His men were searching everywhere for answers while others like Luthor were making more subtle inquiries. The only upside to all of this was the reactions coming out of Arkham but that didn't mean he wanted to be up here with the League nearly at each other's throats.

With everything he's managing to piece together through a couple of brief check-ins with Dickie and the girls he could see why B wanted answers.

As morbid as it sounded Dick and the others were a few of the lucky ones who were able to be pulled out of their memories faster since they were at ground zero when the Watchtower was pulled out of orbit. The quicker you died the quicker it was over but neither of them were as lucky.

In those jumbled memories him and Bruce were the only two left after Gotham went up in flames since Phantom went after them first and there were still a few lingering effects clinging to that since he could still remember what the older version of himself felt. It was somewhat muted now but some of it was still there and if he focused hard enough Jason could still see the makeshift doctor's office in his mind. He could feel the phantom pain and see her flowing red hair. She seemed so relieved to find him alive and he wanted his own answers but Impulse was in the wind.

The little speedster was gone before anyone could really recover from the sudden onslaught of memories and while Bruce was doing everything he could to figure out a plan of sorts the others weren't as lucky with Superman stuck bouncing between the moments of his own brutal death and worrying about his family's safety. Whoever or whatever Phantom was, he knew exactly where to hurt them with Jon nearly losing it in public after being forced to live through the memories of his mom dying and the man of steel's own death at the hands of some magical Martian whatever.

Wonder Woman seemed the most put together out of everyone but even she was kind of twitchy, her had never leaving the pummel of her sword as Zatara went over what he could piece together on his own since the bulk of JLD was still out of commission.

His own daughter was comatose from the magical backlash of whatever this was while Constantine was just missing, his home a mess of overturned books and hurried scribbles which left them on the back foot for now since the only solid lead anyone had was Impulse and Young Justice was closing ranks around their missing speedster.

With JLD in shambles and Ra's on the move Replacement was running his own investigation into whatever was going on and shutting everyone else out of his systems after the first attempt at locating Impulse through his tracker backfired horribly.

I blame my cough medicine and a love for Fallout for whatever this is turning into but I felt like adding onto Run a little. I wouldn't even begin to know how to explain it but I just have this image in my head of Bart and Danny in a Fallout like world but the whole memory thing could be anything really. I just like the idea of reality shifting to the left just enough that Bart suddenly remembers details about his past he'd forgotten thanks to time travel/reality resetting and he suddenly remembers Danny while the rest of his team remember bits and pieces of their missing teammate Phantom. Everyone else just gets doomsday memories cause I really don't care and mostly think it's funny so I'm either blaming this on the gauntlet from the movie or Clockwork but anyone could add something else if they want.

[cameoliob]

i just saw your anya kallus art and would very much like to know more 👁️👁️

OH MY GOD YES ITS FINALLY TIME FOR ANYA TO SHINE

Okay heres her lore:

She was born to two young, but loving and financially stable parents in Coruscants mid-levels.

When she was 16, her mother became pregnant with her baby brother, Alexsandr. She graduated high school two years early, set to go to a prestigious university in the upper levels.

Shortly before after she graduated, her father died in a work-related incident. Her mother couldnt handle the stress of a newborn and a dead husband and prompty fucked off after Alexsandr was born.

Anya, the kindest, most hardworking, and tender soul to ever have lived, took it upon herself to raise her baby brother.

She dropped her university acceptance to pick up jobs (THREE OF THEM) to support them. Coruscant isnt kind, and eventually price-gouging and ever-increasing rent forced them down to the lower levels just before Alexsandrs fifth birthday.

So Alex grew up with a half-mom half-sister who dedicated her life to raising him. She sent him to a mid-level school, refused to let him get a job until he was 16 so that he could focus on his studies.

The pair were as close as they couldve been, even though Alex was a little shit.

Alex helped out where he could (pickpocketed the rich looking people during his commute home from school) but Anya worked tirelessly to give him a good life.

Just before Alex's 16th birthday Anya got sick, just like everyone in the lower levels do at some point.

They didnt have the money to get her help, and even if they did it wouldnt have stopped anything-- it would have just prolonged it.

She died shortly before Alex's 18th birthday. She was thirty four.

Alex didnt make enough money on his own to keep their shoebox apartment and turned to couch hopping.

It was no question for him to enlist in the empire; free room and board, and a near guarantee that he could get the hell off of Coruscant.

Alex never really got to mourn her. Not until nearly 18 years later after defecting and knowing that Anya would have been proud.

Proud of him for leaving Coruscant.

Proud of him for defecting.

Proud of him for doing the right thing.

So yeah thats the Anya lore. Lots of headcanon-y mumbo jumbo but we ball

[ashenquill]

It's time to info dump about my character headcanons some moreeeee I love spreading my agenda on the internet hehe

Mumbo Killsalot Jumbo is one of those ambiguous types where you can't tell if he's actually a hybrid or not? Like, there's something a little bit... off about him. Something distinctly non-human. Also he's a really weird guy, which makes even less sense, because at this point hybrids are like 60% of the population, and nobody bats(ha) an eye at them anymore, so it's not like he needs to hide it. But he is, in fact, secretly a vampire. Or at least, he's 1/16th vampire or something like that. He just remembers this one guy named Vlad who he refused to believe was actually his great-grandpa because he's literally, like thirty? How on Earth would he have been old enough to father children with children with children? Mumbo started believing it when he saw him again ten years later and he hadn't changed in the slightest. Suddenly, the strict nobody open the curtains rule made a lot more sense.

Now, even though Mumbo is technically a vampire, his family is primarily human. The only reason they even have vampiric origins is because Great-grandpa Vlad got turned at the ripe age of 27, and wasn't about to abandon his wife over his new and very serious garlic allergy. She thought it was all one big prank he was pulling to get out of working on the farm, but after twenty years and seven kids, she realized that being a stay-at-home dad was definitely not taking the toll it should.

Mumbo and his immediate family have retained a few of the traits they inherited from Vlad, but it manifests in very mild coincidences. His mom is allergic to garlic and his dad has a strange Scarland-Princess-like affiliation with bats. Mumbo, meanwhile, really got the short end of the stick, as he can't expose his shoulders to sunlight without them miraculously burning (he's gone through more bottles of M-77 brand sunscreen than he'd care to quantify). Not to mention the insomnia! He'd be lucky to get two hours of sleep on an average night, and the fact that the only affect it really has on him is making his eyes look baggy is truly an injustice. Wasn't insomnia supposed to cause other serious health problems? How could he even complain about it if he wasn't constantly overtired? Rather inconvenient, that.

Don't ask my why I have so much lore for this guy when I don't even write him that often. It's just the Mumbo Jumbo allure, I guess

Here's some other fun facts:

Smells like iron/copper (metallic)

Book smart - special knowledge of redstone

Likes: cloud gazing, embroidery, old westerns/duels/guns, rubix cubes (only to look at though, bro can’t solve them for shit)

Dislikes: designing floor plans, social interaction, eye contact

Passions: philanthropy, travel

Habits/other details: Super fidgety like holy shit he never stops moving, picks at his nails and has lots of scabs & hangnails bc of it, he is littered with cuts and bruises of unknown origin, also usually covered in redstone & he mistakes his blood for it half the time, can’t tell if he’s ADHD, ASD, or both (deffo both)

Reactive to their environment - does not like to be around danger most of the time, would rather watch from afar, would rather not even watch tyvm, too bad he’s always a victim, #easytarget, your honor he’s just a wet cat

Special, plot-relevant skills: good w/ redstone, rich asf

Insomniac, also has RLS, always tired but it’s not very obvious, mostly just has dumb blonde moments, his intelligence would be 10% more if he actually slept, what the heck Vlad why'd you have to get bit by a vampire

[notmorbid]

twin peaks: season 2 [1/2].

dialogue prompts from season two of twin peaks.

how you doing down there?

did you call the doctor?

i've heard about you.

i will tell you three things. if i tell them to you, and they come true, then will you believe me?

think of me as a friend.

the question is: where have you gone?

i guess you could say that about most things in life: it's not so bad, as long as you can keep the fear from your mind.

how long have i been out?

we haven't had this much action in one night since the elks club fire of '59.

just give me a couple of hours to get dressed.

what's there to smile about?

have you been missing your mom?

i had the strangest dream last night.

you tell me: vigilante justice or just clean country living?

is it not okay for me to want you?

i don't want any baloney, magic tricks, or psychological mumbo-jumbo.

i won't let ___ hurt us anymore.

i guess i love you, too.

i was half joking, half drunk. half crazy.

i don't believe in fate. you make your bed, you sleep in it.

what is it that you do, exactly?

would you care for a piece of pie?

i wish you nothing but the very best in all things.

i know you're hoping for the best, but you ought to prepare for the worst.

what the hell happened to your hair?

i left you a note. didn't you get my note?

to be perfectly honest, i think i'm in a little over my head. not that i can't handle it.

better to listen than to talk.

don't search for all the answers at once. a path is formed by laying one stone at a time.

it looks like we're 100% certain that we're not sure.

achievement is its own reward. pride obscures it.

i'm going to eat you up.

you don't know what trouble is. not by a long shot.

do you have a judgment about that you'd like to express?

you're every bit as lovely as ___ said you were.

running away won't solve anything.

if i've overstepped my bounds with my concern, i apologize.

how can you be so smart about things like that, and so stupid about so much else?

i wanted so much to be like you.

why do i even care? why should i?

parents should not bury their children.

what should we drink to?

i think it would be healthier for everyone if you got whatever is bothering you out in the open.

after i watched this tv show, i decided i needed some 'me' time.

i want you more than my own life.

you're a cool drink of water to road-weary eyes. what's your secret?

sometimes, the can-do girls can't.

actually, i grew up in books.

there are things you can't get anywhere, but we dream we can find them in other people.

i'll advise you to keep your eye on the woods.

the woods are wondrous here... but strange.

you want the steak, but you don't want to know how it got on your plate.

what does ___ do for you that i can't?

you've got to stay awake. talk to me.

i prayed that you would come, and you did.

it's hard to know exactly what to believe in.

you remind me today of a small mexican chihuahua.

it's best if you forget about me.

do you like musicals?

i find adherence to fantasy troubling and unreasonable.

i just miss having a life of my own.

it's like you're blaming me for something.

i was there. i saw you.

i don't want to let you down.

i am so happy, i could just kiss you to death.

something is happening, isn't it?

now look here, buster. you just watch it.

lord, what's become of us?

some of my best friends are white people.

i've tried running, but there's always been somebody faster.

sometimes it's better just to hole up and wait for the storm to pass.

you're not going to say anything, are you?

i'm trying very hard to tell nothing but the truth, these days.

i never stole from a church. it was a savings and loan.

the last few steps are always the darkest and most difficult.

go to your room and lock the door. no questions.

you're on the path. you don't need to know where it leads. just follow.

i've tried so hard --- i try so hard --- and nothing i do is ever good enough for you.

you're a slimy rat bastard.

i intend to make whatever remains of your pathetic existence a living hell.

we've spent our entire adult lives lying to each other. why spoil it with the truth now?

it doesn't matter if we're happy and the rest of the world goes to hell.

so this is it? you save my life, then break my heart?

someone must have hurt you once really badly.

friendship is the foundation of any lasting relationship.

it's nice to be quoted accurately.

you know, there's only one problem with you: you're perfect.

i'll take care of you in ways you never even dreamed of.

forgive my saying so, but aren't you dead?

do you believe in guardian angels?

to tell you the truth, i'm not sure what i believe these days.

i believe an angel saved my life.

i have no idea how i escaped.

little late for halloween, isn't it?

you're up to something, but i'm sure that's none of my business.

pick your lower lip up off the floor.

please don't tell me how to feel.

maybe i am overreacting. but they're my reactions, and the hurt i feel is my hurt. and how i react is none of your damn business.

i want you out of my life. i don't want to be hurt by you anymore.

there's nothing quite like urinating out in the open air.

let a smile be your umbrella.

i'm talking about seeing beyond fear. about looking at the world with love.

is there some place you're going to, or running from?

you may be fearless in this world, but there are other worlds.

my experience has taught me never to judge too quickly.

i'm trying very hard, recently, to get more in touch with my feelings.

i had to do those things to stay alive.

[holespoles]

Yasushi Muraki "Mom Loves Little Jumbo"

むらきやすし

[recurring-polynya]

Orihime gives Chad a manicure to see if it powers his arm up and also because she thinks it would be a nice thing to do for a friend. Chad is always doing things for other people without a second thought and I think Orihime would pick up on that.

I was rolling this around in my head, trying to decide when I wanted to set it and who else I wanted to be in it, when I got punched in the face with this mildly angsty idea, which ended up twisting the prompt around a little bit. (I feel like I always do this to you 😂. Maybe I do this to everyone.) Anyway, I hope you like it! I love them so much!!!

Takes place in the early Blood War, around the time when Ichigo goes to the Royal Realm, shortly after the first set of battles, while Orihime and Chad are still in Hueco Mundo.

(read on ao3)

💅 💅 💅

Orihime didn't know what she was thinking when she grabbed the nail polish off the shelf in her bathroom. It was a 16-in-1 gel palette set (with 4 metallics!) that she had won last fall as a fifth-place prize in a contest they were holding down at the shopping district last fall. She hadn't yet taken the plastic wrapping off. She had been saving them for a special occasion.

A war was not a special occasion.

Orihime had to admit that she probably panicked a little. Mr. Urahara was opening Garganta back to the Living World twice a day so that Mr. Tessai could bring various supplies that he needed to Hueco Mundo. Orihime had been shooed through so she could pack some clothes and whatever else she needed, and to let Tatsuki know that she wasn't going to be around for a bit. It had made sense at the time, but once she was actually in her apartment, her vision narrowed down to a dark tunnel and she had to gulp big deep breaths of air because it was all too much like the time Ulquiorra had given her twelve hours to say good-bye to just one person.

She got it together eventually and did manage to find Tatsuki and Keigo and Mizuiro, too. (Ishida wasn't around, but he had known where they were going.) Still, though, she wondered what she had been thinking when she got back to Hueco Mundo and found her bag packed with every pair of underwear she owned, her winter coat, a jumbo-sized box of Hello Panda that she must have stopped somewhere to buy, and the nail polish.

There had been a lot of waiting around, once she had finished healing everyone who needed healing, so maybe she had been thinking it would be a nice way to pass the time. Maybe she had thought the Tres Bestia would like it. They probably would have, but Urahara had already sent time off on some errand. Nel wasn't interested, although she was very interested in the Hello Panda.

So Orihime painted her own nails. She painted her pinkies and her thumbs with the metallic silver, and then drew on the six-petaled flower of her hairpins on top in teal. She painted the rest of her nails in teal. She had planned to paint a flower for each of her Shun Shun Rikka on each of the remaining six nails. The left hand actually came out pretty good! The right…

"Is something the matter, Inoue?"

Orihime blinked rapidly and looked up. She'd been staring so hard at her own efforts that her eyes had gone dry.

Sado had been sitting nearby, reading a book, with a massive set of headphones over his ears, things he had brought back from his own whirlwind trip home. Sado hadn't had much to say since Ichigo left, but Orihime had noticed that he preferred to stay within eyeshot of her. Tatsuki's cat did that with Tatsuki's mom, who had rescued her from a sewer grate as a kitten. Now, Sado was peering down at her, the headphones slung loosely around his neck.

"Ohhhh, I was just wishing I had put the camellia on my left hand," Orihime sighed. "Ayame and Hinagiku will understand if their flowers are a little shaky, but Tsubaki is going to be so mad."

Sado frowned thoughtfully. "Would you like me to help?"

Orihime's mouth dropped into a soft 'o'. She supposed she shouldn't be surprised. She'd seen the doodles Sado did in the margins of his schoolwork. It was usually graffiti-style Spanish words, but sometimes (usually when class was particularly boring) he'd draw out an entire lion, all rippling muscles and fangs, or a sleek motorcycle with highlights and shading that made it look like it made of chrome and leather and rubber, even though it was really all just pencil.

"The brush is very small," she said stupidly.

"It's fine," said Sado.

Barely a minute later, a miniscule camellia graced her right index finger, perfect right down to the lacy stamen.

"How did you do that?" Orihime gasped.

"I don't know a lot of flowers," Sado admitted, "but I know how to draw camellias. Abarai and I used to have a lot of time to kill while we were recovering from throwing boulders at each other. He can only draw about three things, but one of them is camellias."

"What are the other two?" Orihime asked shyly. The idea of big, tough Abarai drawing anything was very cute to her. She wondered if one of them was bunny-people.

"Skulls," said Sado. "And Zabimarus."

The last they had heard, Abarai had been very badly injured and so had Rukia, but both were expected to make it. Orihime pressed her lips together. Of course they were going to make it. They were both very, very tough. Next time she saw Abarai, she would ask him to draw a Zabimaru for her.

"Do you want me to do the other two?" Sado asked.

"It's a daisy and a hibiscus," Orihime said. "Do you know how to draw those?"

"I can manage a daisy," Sado agreed. "I am actually pretty good at hibiscus." That made sense, of course, given Sado's collection of tropical shirts.

"Thank you, Sado," she said, watching him work. He was very good at using pressure on the brush to get little petal-shaped blobs of paint. She wondered if he ever painted, in addition to drawing.

Sado sucked in a breath. "Do you think…" he started, and then started again. "Do you think we could do mine next?"

"What? Yes! Of course!" For a moment, Orihime was so excited to have finally found a taker that it took her a moment to be surprised. "I didn't know you liked to paint your nails, Sado-kun!"

Sado finished the hibiscus before speaking. "I don't. I mean. I haven't ever. Before."

"It'll be your first time, you mean?"

"Yes." Sado paused. "But I've wanted to. Ichigo and I went to a punk show once. A band he liked. He painted his nails black. I was…I mean, it looked…well. It's Ichigo. You know. He's braver than me."

Orihime started to argue with that, then stopped herself. "Not many people are braver than Ichigo," she said instead.

Sado gave a curt nod. "That's why I want to do it."

They did his left hand in white and red and black, with bold stripes and zigzags and a slightly melty-looking skull on his ring finger.

"Should we do the right in black and bright pink?" Orihime asked, eying the same beautiful fuschia Sado had painted her hibiscus with.

"No," said Sado. "My right hand is the one that protects. I want to paint it with the things I want to protect. So for the first one, I want you to paint it silver, with a teal flower, just like yours."

For a second, Orihime couldn't breathe. "Sado-kun," she finally said, "shouldn't Ichigo be the first one?"

"Ichigo is the first person I want to protect," Sado agreed. "But you were the first person I trained with. You're the person I've always trained with. So you should be first."

She couldn't argue with that, so Sado's thumb got painted to match hers. Orihime wasn't very confident in her ability to draw Ichigo's substitute badge, but Sado believed in her, and they both agreed that Ichigo wouldn't mind if it was a little wobbly. They did the background in sparkly gold, which they also both agreed that Ichigo would approve of.

They were going to be fighting Quincy--they had already been fighting Quincy--but they decided to paint the middle finger white with a blue cross anyway, because Ishida had it first. Just because the rest of the Quincy were turning out to be jerks didn't change how they felt about him. The middle finger felt somehow appropriate for that.

There was some debate over disrespectfulness, but they couldn't bring themselves to do it the other way around, so the ring finger was for Abarai (a black lightning bolt on a red ground) and the pinkie for Rukia (a silver snowflake on purple).

Orihime looked down at Sado's hands resting on the table. They were wide and powerful, with thick, knobbly boxer's knuckles and traced with silvery scars. His fingers were long and elegant, though, slightly tapered with square, even nails, now covered in bright colors and sparkles.

Orihime placed her own hands on the table, spreading her fingers wide to mirror his.

"I'm glad I brought the nail polish," she declared, to herself more than anyone else. "They don't have enough color in Hueco Mundo."

"Mm," Sado agreed.

It occurred to Orihime that both the shinigami and their enemies favored black and white, at least officially. But when she thought of her friends, she could only think of splashes of color--the wrap of a sword hilt, the flutter of a scarf. Eyeshadow and bright hair and the lining of a haori.

"Do you like it?" Orihime asked.

"I do," said Sado.

"It might chip," she warned. "Just let me know. I'll fix it if it does."

Sado smiled down softly at their colorful, sparkly, not-quite-matching fingertips, nearly touching. "I know you will."

[alliebirb]

ok your revo children ocs are a d o r b s 🥹🥹🥹 do you have any headcanons on them?? tell us moreee

Beloved revo bby anon………. i am so sorry it has taken me so long to return to you……… but i thought of you out on the battlefield……. Stored this ask in a locket that ended up saving me from a bullet….. i hope you will accept several chiyoko and senbi arts as my apology for leaving you at the window for so long.

anyways:

RAGGHHHHHH💝💝💕💖💖💕💕💖💖⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ THANK YOU FOR ASKING ABOUT MY GRANDCHILDREN ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥᷄⌓˂̣̣̥᷅ )‧º·˚ i would LOVE to give some hcs!!!!!!

A LOT of senbi and chiyoko fun facts and arts below the cut!!!

Chiyoko!!!!

- first meets atem when she’s 4, and oml within like 2 months she has him wrapped around her little finger just like her momma

- She would follow atem around like a shadow, cheerfully parroting atem’s greetings to palace guards the the royal court

-except set, she’ll hide behind atem under his cape if she sees him coming. set isnt trying to scare her or anything, he just has major rbf, is like 6’3, and doesnt know how to approach talking to children. Atem tries his best to get them to converse but set just shuffles awkwardly as his cousin tries to get chiroko to relinquish her death grip on his tunic.

- older than her brother by 5-6 years, and is so so so excited when senbi is born!!!!! little baby brother!!!!!! stays protective of him (and anzu) from when he was an infant into adult years (also atem to an extent)

- chiyo would get along with mana like 2 peas in a pod!! Mahad would love her to b i t s, but his calmer, more paternal/fraternal energy towards atem would multiply with chiyoko and he would treat her like small precious baby while mana is just like “hey kiddo wanna see me turn your dad into a frog real quick” just to see her laugh (and fuck with atem, two birds, one stone)

- she went through ages 5-8 fully believing that atem was her biological father and would constantly be asking when her multicolored hair would come in. Atem never had the heart to tell her and would just say “wont be long now!!” Anzu had to break the news and chiyoko went through the evening with her arms crossed pointedly turning her entire body away from Atem.

- When she turned 16, she ended up dip dying her hair red and anzu complimented how nice it looked while atem sobbed into her shoulder (i will forever hold art of this from @shinayashipper SO close to my heart)

- they may not be biologically related, but i stg, chiyoko inherited atem’s competitive love of games through osmosis

- That combined with anzu’s determination leads to a tyrannical warlord during family uno

- thinks jonouchi is the coolest EVER and jonouchi actively rubs his favorite uncle status diRECTLY into honda’s face

- secretly thinks mai is even cooler but is too spooked to talk to her

- Also gets really close to anzu’s dad, and gets SO excited to spend summer days in the countryside catching beetles and wading through creeks! She runs ahead while Hitoshi holds senbi’s hand and answers his gardening questions

- Definitely comes home every day after school with an absurd amount of dirt and grass stains

- grows up with confidence and assuredness to rival her parents

- fun fact!! Chiyoko is named after the mc from satoshi kon’s Millennium Actress since in convergence (longfic concept where she first came up) she’s yanked around with anzu in the time travel mumbo jumbo from japan to egypt

- as she grows up, chiyoko ends up looking v v similar to anzu’s mom, but just replace kiori’s scowl and gray eyes with a smile and hitoshi’s brown eyes (more oc stuff). Also v fashionable!!!

Senbi:

- born when anzu and atem are in their late twenties, post-marriage, and while he has some of atem’s hair coloration style and skin tone, his eyes and hair color are all anzu - much to anzu’s dismay and atem’s adoration (atem is now tied around two little fingers at once)

- Shy boy!!! When he was small, there was always one hand holding onto to atem or anzu’s pants leg or holding chiyo’s hand

- Doesn’t have a competitive bone in his body, just wants to have fun and tbh, doesnt love games all that much!

- older senbi would love watching chiyoko and atem go ham on each other during games and will be sharing popcorn with anzu as they both roll their eyes

- as a child, likes to sit with anzu quietly and read his picture books, or sit on atem’s lap as he works through a crossword

- Senbi always takes a while to go to sleep and when he was little, anzu would sit in his bed and read aloud whatever performance arts book she’s been reading. Eventually, he would fall asleep, but many times, Atem wakes up alone and walks in to senbi’s room to see anzu conked out.

- Senbi and yugi rlly vibe and have the same wallflower energy so!! He always gets rlly excited when yugi comes to visit, bringing him to his room to show him all the cool picture books he got from the library this week

- To which yugi ofc sits there as happy as can be and engaging with everything “omg i LOVE robots, what’s that one about??? :DD”

- ((Many years later, senbi would start working on his own color tattoo sleeve bc he’s always thought yugi’s looked SO COOL, and if yugi learned this he would be sobbing on the floor))

- and unlike chiyo, out of atem’s pseudo-siblings, bibi would definitely get along best with Mahad, and would love to just sit in his study with him and watch Mahad write on scrolls and test spells

- would have one of those city apartments stuffed full of plants and books

-Chiyoko was always the protective older sister, he could yell for her and she would come barreling in from wherever she was, ready to throw down. This still stands true into adulthood, though chiyoko is more likely to verbally assault someone than punch them

- while chiyoko would love looking for all the bugs and frogs and snakes on the family summer trips to the countryside, senbi would not. One time, chiyoko was excitedly showing everyone the giant beetle she found and it flew right towards senbi’s face. Atem had to spend the rest of the day inside with senbi watching cartoons.

- Jono and Honda like pulling little scare pranks on chiyoko as she loves chasing them around for retribution, but if they accidentally spook senbi as collateral, anzu’s hitting them with a chair

- really into art and while he cant draw amazingly, he loves visiting artist exhibitions and alleys. will spend his entire paycheck.

- would be a tattoo artist!

THANK YOU AGAIN SM FOR THIS ASK IM SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG BUT I NEEDED TO GIVE IT THE ATTENTION IT DESERVED!!!!!

may the cat revo bbies bless you and PLEASE come into my askbox again, i SWEAR i will be faster……. Probably…

[a-big-chicken-nerd]

My old micro silkied Serama, Boo. He was a rescue as he was unwanted due to typical (anatomical) issues caused by breeding an animal to be too small. He was fully grown in this image. Sweetest little man ever. Couldn’t crow but he tried.

⬆️ A baby pic of my Showgirl Silkie, Marjorie. I’ll get a pic of her tomorrow it’s dark out and I can’t find a good one now.

And baby pics of Jumbo, Lulu, and Wheatley. Who I will take photos of when they aren’t covered in mud because they insist on being covered in mud 24/7. The moment I let them out of the run it’s straight to the mud pits they are not dust bathing they are mud bathing.

Jumbo earned her name because she was huge from the moment she out the egg. As soon as she was ready to be handled I showed her to my mom who knows nothing about chickens and she immediately was like, “you had to have brought her home from work your hens couldn’t have laid any eggs that could fit her in it” You can’t see it in the picture (which was taken the day she hatched) but her feet were massive too. What’s funny is she’s fully grown now and is smaller than both her parents. Mama (Joy) is a sweet EE with zero braincells and enjoys being carried around the yard. And her dad, Banshee (who I have since rehomed due to him being literally scared to half to death by anything that moves and needing a quieter environment) is a Sultan. ⬇️

And the legally mandated Hope picture. She is my darling (Mille Fleur D’Uccle)

all of ur chickens are so amazingly Shaped its actually incredble like why do they have such strong character designs

i LOVE the permanent baby man and the actual BABIES who are so CUTEEHBGSDHGBKSGDB and that peculiar CREATURE with the MASSIVE FEET

and that GORGEOUS lady at the end who is so glorious and flawless HI HOPE I LOVE YOUU

[quinnysnursery]

Oh my goodness kiddo!nick blurd was outstanding, the overalls thought really won it over for me. And yes tubby time is bath time lol, that's what my mom called it growing up so it just kinda stuck I guess. Okay soooooo, I was wondering if I could get some more elaborate day out with his Dada headcanons? If that's fine.

-🧩

[🌟] little!nick sturniolo during a day out headcannons

paring : little!nick x cg!male!reader

divider credit : @dollywons

a/n : trying to come up with a title for this was way harder than it seems (lower case intended !)

🌟 when he first started regressing, nick was terrified of going out in public regressed

🗞️ "what is people see me?" "what if FANS see me?" "what if-"

🎥 but after a lot of coaxing 'n reassurance from his dada, nick agreed to give it a try

🌟 and absolutely ADORED it,

🗞️ loved not having to carry around his own backpack, or worry about speaking for himself

🎥 take all the stress away from social interactions? yes please!

🌟 his favorite places are, in order,

🗞️ the corner store for slurpees .... "cherry please!"

🎥 any restruant .... "can....can you ask if maybe i can have the colorin' menu too?"

🌟 and of course, target. "dada! new toy? pleeeeaaase?"

���️ imagine his wide eyes pleading with his caregiver for a pretty dolly, or a stuffie :(

🎥 adores letting YOU chose his outfits for going out

🌟 and if you always chose overalls so what

🗞️ and letting you tie his shoe laces!

🎥 "baby boy, i need you to stop kicking you feet." "oh, sorry!"

🌟 stays RIGHT by your side, hands aways interlocked

🗞️ once the two of you had to cancel plans due to rain,

🎥 poor thing was devastated :(

🌟 "but- but....you promised we could go!" "i know buddy, i'm sorry. dada didn't think it would rain." ":( you promised"

🗞️ of course, you made it up to him the very next day with a jumbo slurpee AND a new toy

🎥 little!nick my shining star 🫶

taglist ! :

@natedoeswife @blahbel668 @nicksloverrr @katw4shereee @pkfferoo @bambi-slxt @chr1sgirl4life @17twelch17 @mattssturnz @mattsturniologf444 @graceslittlecorner @zivall @hrtz4alex2211 @bimbob1tch

[marshbarks]

Some silly/random Stan questions:

Does Stan have any hobbies he keeps hidden? Are there ones he's more open about?

Stan's favorite video games? Are there any he'd be into playing with other people?

Extra silly: If given $1,000,000 what do you think Stan would do with all that cash?

Thank you!

Hobbies - i've had a longrunning headcanon that stan got really into twin peaks (;~;) because kyle likes mystery stuff and he was like yeah... my friend likes things, i will do my best to participate.. and specifically like Mystery In A Small Town In The Woods is the only genre that can catch his attention. he isn't super open about this!! he thinks that his friends will make fun of him for havin this niche ;;, in general honestly i think he does his best to peek into things his friends are into but its SUCH a tossup on if he likes it or not!! he's picky but in weird ways!

Video Games - i think he really really likes the fire emblem game series because being a tactician on the battlefield is awesome. his favorite is fe:a and he looks at chrom and goes "wow he's so me", this one he doesn't try to Hide, but also won't just, like. start a conversation about. don't ask how much money he's spent on fire emblem heroes okay we don't have to talk about it. yes okay he can play the Same Fucking Games as tabletop type stuff, but having it on a handheld console that he doesn't have to set up the mini figurines for Every Time is way easier. he also likes your typical fps, but hasn't really ever found one that grisps him exclusively, so he's hoppin from game to game as new stuff comes out. also farming sims. oh my god he loves farming sims. those are JUST FOR HIM. to play quietly. because if anyone ever sees him play a farming sim what if kyle hears and gets grumpy at him about farmville. years later they play sdv multiplayer and have the gayest little farm. general co-op is typically his fps- and oh my GOD can you imagine his friend group playing the buggy ass pkmn scarvio. oh they'd have so much fun. stan also by himself also really likes ace attorney i don't know why but he does. i don't control him.

Money - first he buys his mom a house. just his mom. then he donates half of whatever's left to his favorite local no-kill shelter. the rest is for him to justify impulse purchases (and buy presents for his friends bc as soon as eric learns he has money, he starts demanding. and honestly like... he thinks eric needs a little serotonin in his life, too. so yeah, sure, i'll buy you this fucking collectors edition jumbo squishmallow. and he'll buy little things for kenny like oh your shoes sorta fallin apart so here's your fav style of shoe but new. buying wendy presents like flowers n chocolate because he loves her. just.. aughhh... using whatever he's got left to Care for people. and also his mobile game addiction.)

[crazylittlejester]

HIIII YOU!! I hope you're doing sooo well, I just wanna send in an ask because I miss you. dearly. as I always do. I'm so sappy and I just feel so hurt seeing you hurt because no one should be hurting :((

small itty bitty adventure thing i guess but I went to the hospital yesterday for an appointment, got something in my arm which SURPRISINGLY didn't hurt or pinch this time?? weird????? but I was starving so my mom let me buy a jumbo pretzel and some chocolate so I was happy :3 (I could go on about how tasty pretzels are oh my god AND WITH THE CHEESE AHHHHH)

and then after school I met up with my mom and brother again to get some stuff for my brothers new job he's secured with some of the neighbors, it's so adorable that he's still young yet managing to help out people and earn money..... shedding a tear.... also big mention but places have christmas decorations already and oh my god they are soooooo cute ARGH I love shopping for decorations of any kind it's so fun and so silly to find all sorts of stuff

anyways that was all the interesting stuff that happened yesterday, I'm also going on a trip this saturday so hooray!!!!!! long ass plane ride here i come!!!! /sarc

hopefully this makes you a little more happy, you're always sharing your adventures with me and all the stuff that happens with you so I thought I'd share some of my own stuff with you too!! that is, if anything interesting DOES end up happening lmao

MAKE SURE TO STAY AWESOME AS ALWAYS AND I LOVE YOUU MY FRIEND!! /P

HI HELLO!! i miss you too, im sorry i haven’t sent an ask your way in a while, ive been so drained i haven’t had the energy to do anything. there’s been no adventures, i literally have gone a full month without buying gas because i just Do Not leave my house 😭

i hope ur doing good and that your arm is okay, AND ALSO SLAY DUDE, I LOVE PRETZELS. im devastated because 4 years ago they took the pretzel place out of the mall that was allergy safe for me and nothing on this earth has hit the same since so i’ve determined to try every soft pretzel in my area until i can find the best one aldkdkdk. i LOVE pretzels 🫶 so so much

ISTG THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS WENT UP AT MIDNIGHT NOVEMBER 1ST, how did they put up all the trees that fast 😭 where did the spooky things go they’re all GONE (i still have my spooky things out, i like my skeleton candles :3 )

dawg you travel so much thats so cool, i hope you have fun wherever you’re going!! i have the urge to go on a roadtrip once i have more energy (and gas in my car), adventure calls to me ✨

hearing from you always makes me happy dude, i love to hear you yap :) YOU STAY AWESOME AS WELL, AND TRAVEL SAFE. ILY MWAH /p

BTW I WAS SCROLLING THROUGH BLUESKY LAST NIGHT COS ID JUST MADE MY ACC AND YOU JUST POPPED UP AND I SCREAMED LIKE “OH MY GOD I KNOW THAT GUY?????” AT LIKE 3 IN THE MORNING, BECAUSE I LITERALLY DONT KNOW HOW SOCIAL MEDIA OTHER THAN TUMBLR WORKS (im stupid) AND I WAS JUST SCROLLING AND MESSING AROUND AND THERE YOU WERE AKSMDMDMDM

[duckapus]

Squid Memes Squidbeak Splatoon (part 2)

Part 1 Here

More Harbor because he gave me Brain Worms

Born and Raised in Littol Beeg Bluff (yes the same Littol Beeg Bluff from "The Ballad of Dusty Grumpton" in the Factory Reset AU. I'm allowed to re-use my own ideas if I damn well please)

Comes from a blended family, and his stepmom and younger siblings (twin boy and girl around eight) are actually Koopa Troopas of all things.

The only playable Agent to both know and like his parents

Seriously Habor's moms are fucking awesome. Everybody in the NSS loves Harbor's moms

About 80% Humboldt Squid (aka Jumbo Flying Squid), which is why he's so fucking tall. It also means that he's really fast in swim form, to the point that he could probably outswim someone who'd filled all the slots on a piece of gear with Swim Speed Up without any Swim Speed Up investment of his own. (this is inspired by Lucky, another, very different version of Agent 4 made by EikaPrime on Ao3)

Eight

Yes she just goes by Eight. She was a little self-conscious about it at first but then she found out about SMG4 and the other SM64 Blooper Youtubers and no longer gives a shit

If she remembers her old name yet she's not mentioned it

Obviously doesn't remember her parents, but given the Domes are the kind of place where you can Start Training to Become an Advanced Military Hardware Engineer and Elite Soldier at Fucking Nine Years Old, I imagine she wouldn't have many memories of them even without the Amnesia

Contrary to popular fanon, my version of Eight doesn't have a scar from the Test Failed Bomb. This is because Respawn Pads (as long as they're fully functional) completely erase whatever the fatal injury was, leaving no trace apart from maybe some phantom pains if it was particularly nasty

She does, however, have plenty of scars from all the other shit she went through in that hellhole

Managed to complete every single test before she escaped

My version of Eight is a single year younger than Marina canonically is when they meet so I'm not going the Off the Hook Adoption route for this one (maybe in another AU with a more lose interpretation of Canon, but given this AU is specifically meant to adhere to Splatoon Canon as much as possible we're out'a luck this time), though she does still become very close friends with them

She's got Craig literally right there for any potential adoption attempts anyway

Very rarely speaks, but is expressive enough that most people can tell what she means anyway (you know Ferb? It's the exact same thing as what Ferb does)

Doesn't have a weapon preference. She's comfortable with any weapon she gets her hands on

Except Splatanas

She fucking hates Splatanas and everything they stand for

Configuring Frye's Palette in the Memverse was legitimately harder than dealing with her own Palette's stupid "Hacks or Chips, you can't have both" Gimmick Bullshit

Andi Finn

Has no fucking idea who her parents were and does not care

Actual supergenius who could probably build a functioning replica of Grizz's rocket out of scrap metal from just her memory of fighting on top of it. Never learned how to read before the NSS got ahold of her because she lived alone in the desert

Swears more than Bob

Can't remember where she learned Salmonid from

Somehow even the homeless kid has better hygiene than Paige

Made up her last name on the spot when she was signing up for a Turfing License (if you're wondering how she managed to sign up for a Turfing License when she couldn't read; With Great Difficulty)

Figures she probably isn't a full Inkling given her weird beartrap beak but doesn't give enough of a shit to take a DNA test about it

Yet

Paige dragged her home to their apartment almost immediately after the final battle against Mr. Grizz and she never left. It's not an official adoption but that's only because Paige is a bit oblivious to their own feelings on the matter and Andi doesn't know that paperwork is supposed to be involved

Almost exclusively calls Paige "Cap" even when they're out of uniform. I mean, she can't very well call them "Mom" or "Dad" since they're nonbinary, now can she? Paige has no idea that's what she means by it and just thinks it's a nickname because Andi gives everybody nicknames. Usually as insults

It took her 333 tries to get through "Splitting Crosshairs" (I legitimately Cannot beat that stupid kettle no matter how hard I try and want her to share my frustration but also want all four agents to have 100%ed their respective adventures so I'm just having it take her a comically long time to do)

Mains Explosher because it's the closest she can get to a Turf-Legal grenade launcher (for now...)

The Eternal Hunger, Devourer of the Bear

Is fine with people using Crabcake instead

Uses It/Its exclusively

Officially designated Agent 5 I will die on that hill

Was "The Eternal Hunger, Stabber of Ankles" before going through Return of the Mammalians

Will stab anyone who points out that it didn't actually eat Mr. Gizz, he just exploded

Extremely eloquent, but most people can't speak Salmonid so it just sounds like it's making the same gurgley noises as every other Smallfry

Once looked Marie dead in the eyes and said "No one will ever believe you" in perfect Inklish while they were alone. Has never said anything else in anything other than Salmonid where someone can hear it

Andi and Crabcake fucking hated each-other for the first third of their adventure before bonding over kicking Frye's ass and now they're inseparable

Actually gets its own uniform after everything's said and done. It consists of a little high-rez safety vest (like the one on Paige's field uniform), an earpiece (suction-cupped in place since it doesn't have external ears) in the same style as Andi's headset, and a clean black-with-thin-yellow-racing-stripes-on-the-sides pants...wrap...thing

It also got a new switchblade from Sheldon (the old one got lost in the space battle after it turned into Hugefry) with the same kind of black-with-blue-LEDs aesthetic as Paige's gear and a blade made of Sardinium

Also thinks that it and Andi are already adopted by Paige but that's for Salmonid Culture Reasons instead of Not Having an Education Reasons

Got separated from its swarm during a Run a few months before Return of the Mammalians. It wasn't too fussed about it and figured it could handle itself in the desert for a while and then either reunite with that swarm if it ran into them or join a new one if it happened to come across one. Because Salmonid Culture

Considers the NSS its current swarm

[batbux]

untitled janet/talia, Bruce's bio kid Tim AU -> no choice but to love you pt. 5

Janet didn’t know what looked worse for her: bringing a boy that looked extremely familiar to see Bruce Wayne or the bag she had thrown over her shoulder that was clearly a mommy tote bag. It was packed with water and snacks and all the color books Tim could reasonably fit in it (seven, with one of them being a jumbo edition that boasted over 100 pages of activities).

In her defense, Tim tended to warm up best when talking to strangers if he was given something to do with his hands. He’d bonded with many of his early education tutors over a mean session of coloring. He could clearly write his alphabet and the names of everyone in his family when asked. If he didn’t have to look away from his coloring, he could ever recite the addresses of both their town home and Jack’s office as well as Janet and Jack’s phone numbers.

It got easier to get him to talk, but until Tim felt comfortable Bruce was just going to have to deal with it. She already had plans of setting Tim up over on the sofa near Bruce’s little in house coffee bar. He’d be close, but the adults could still speak.

The truth was coming out and they had to get their stories straight.

The man behind the front desk was the same today and his eyes lingered on Tim for what felt like an eternity as Janet approached. Before his attention could become too noticeable, he smiled at them both, just as warm as the day before. Gratefully, Janet greeted Ron by name and he took pleasure in making a little event out of making Tim his own visitor’s pass.

The little boy’s smile was blinding as he helped arrange the sticker just so on his little plaid button up.

“What do we say, Tim?” Janet reminded, smiling as he ran his fingers over the front of his shirt and the sticker in lines.

“Thank you, sir,” he supplied, not looking up, but flashing a gap toothed smile. He scrubbed his fingers over the rougher texture of the cloth and smoothed them with the smooth glide over the sticker with apparent delight.

“No problem, little buddy,” Ron assured him. “That’s a polite boy you have there. Did you need the whole spiel again, Mrs. Drake?”

“No, I think I can remember,” she said, smile dimming. It was almost pathological the way she wanted to break down and ask what he thought about a strange woman arranging a sudden appointment with Bruce Wayne only to show up with a child the next day. She was desperate to know what people were thinking, how they were judging her.

Her life was going to be a terrible cliché from here on out.

Janet wished him well and Tim waved as she took him by his free hand and led him to the elevators.

“Mommy? Um, Mom, I mean,” Tim said in stops and starts, peering up at her. He’d unfortunately taken it to heart when Jack told him that big boys didn’t call their parents Mommy or Daddy. “This isn’t Da-. Um. This isn’t the office.”

Janet hitched her tote bag higher on her shoulder and wished again that frantic web searches at 3am were more helpful. Tim wasn’t deaf; he’d definitely heard Jack yelling that Tim wasn’t his son and had obviously readily internalized the information.

It didn’t help that Jack had staunchly refused to even look at Tim since.

“Remember what I said in the car, baby? About Mr. Wayne?” she prompted and Tim’s little face scrunched up in thought. It may have been all of fifteen minutes ago, but if Tim had been distracted by anything while she was talking, the conversation was as good as lost to the sands of time.

“He works here?” he guessed, still a little mystified as Janet herded him into the elevator. It was thankfully empty.

“Yes he does. His office is all the way at the top,” she explained. “And he’s your dad. Remember?”

“There was an oopsie where babies come from,” Tim remembered. “And instead of- And my dad is actual someone else.”

“Pretty big oopsie,” Janet agreed. “I’m sorry, Timmy. It’s not fair.”

“It’s okay,” he patted their joined hands. “I’m sorry Daddy, um. I’m sorry J-Jack is mad.”

Janet wanted to scoop him up and assure him that none of this was his fault, but the elevator was already sliding open on their destination. Stepping off, Janet was startled to see Emma already looking their way eagerly. She seemed, if possible, in higher spirits than yesterday. She wondered what Bruce told her.

[proxylynn]

Just another day at the "Legitimate Businessman's Social Club".

Business has been good and Fat Tony is having such a fine time with his family, both by blood and those connected to him. As there is nothing better than mixing good company and good spirits. That and, despite the club being below street level...The view ain't so bad.

Lynsie, as the unofficial bar mom, often brings in the food she makes to surprise the guys. Holding a soft spot for little Michael, and Fat Tony himself, she will go the extra mile to spoil the D'Amico men that she sees as deserving of some genuine positive attention. Can't go wrong with homemade jumbo cheesecake.

While Michael may be leaning more toward the path his Papa wants him to travel, he knows it's done so out of love. However, he is still passionate about cooking and is really grateful there is someone who supports his dream. It wasn't hard to figure out who gave him cookbooks for his birthday.

Worry not for what's happening in the back room. You ain't see nothing.

Johnny is pissed at Frankie for squealing to his gal about him staying out late and getting blitzed, so...He's getting choked out for getting Johnny in hot water.

Since it's a running joke that, no matter what horrible things happen to him, Frankie bounces back like nothing...I headcanon Frankie as semi-immortal. He can age and die, but it's specific and the mob hasn't figured it out yet so they keep him around because they don't want others to have him.

(If you're wondering why she is so discolored compared to the others, it's because she's pale due to years of introverted-ness. If out in the sun proper, like a beach trip, she tans up bronze as her mixed Cuban blood intends. Which blends in with the olive complexion of her Italian associates.)

[cyberphuck]

ASSASSIN’S APPRENTICE ABRIDGED: PART FOUR

My friend Razz wants to understand my shitposting about the Farseer Trilogy, but doesn’t want to have to read the books, so I’m summarizing it for them!

 EDIT: Halfway through Jhaampe I start calling “The Big Turnip” the “Big Onion” instead and I can’t be arsed to fix it.

Read Previous Entries!

 Alright Bastards and Old Bloods, this is it: the final entry and JUMBO-LENGTH conclusion to Assassin’s Apprentice Abridged!

 - Excerpt from Chade Fallstar's private writings, Grune 28th, 1497:

Dear Diary, the other day we caught a little zombie-Forged girl and I've been keeping her in a jar with a stick and a leaf. If I shake the jar, she talks. She knows who she is and who her family is, and she also knows a lot of swear words. I gave her some bread when she wasn't hungry and she said "shove it up your ugly ass." I tried to teach her a trick and she bit me. I decided to send her to live on a farm upstate along with Chivalry and Prince Regal's mom.

 Love, Chadey.

 While Chade has been playing Jane Goodall with Forged people, Fitz has been very busy being an alcoholic. One evening, Chade calls Fitz up into his wall-hole and says "It's time for you to stop being a drunk and for the readers to remember who Prince Verity is."

 "Why is there a hay bale in the corner of your--"

 "Prince Verity is Chivalry's younger brother and currently King-in-Waiting for the throne," the Fool says, lounging underneath the hay bale. "That makes Prince Regal next in line after Verity. Just so you know."

 "Right," Chade nods. "Fitz, your job from now on is to hang out with Verity in his Fortress of Solitude and do whatever he wants you to do."

 "I'm fourteen," Fitz says.

 "Don't argue with me, boy, I've got a wedding to plan. By the way, did you ever figure out who tried to kill Burrich?"

 Fitz shrugs. "I figured somebody tried to kill him because he's Burrich."

 "Ah yes, the age-old solution of 'things just happen, what the hell," Chade rolls his eyes. "Well, go on, shoo. Go bother Verity."

 Sighing, Fitz climbs thirty-nine flights of stairs to where Verity is sitting in his empty tower room and staring out the window. "Breakfast, your highness," Fitz announces.

 "Ew," Verity moans.

 "There's also a cup of tea with enough caffeine in it to kill some sort of very big gray trumpet animal," Fitz offers.

 "Yeah, okay, I'll take that."

 "So, uh," Fitz says, standing there awkwardly as Verity drinks an amount of stimulant that should make his heart explode, "watcha doin up here?"

 "Defending the kingdom."

 Fitz looks out the window at the ocean. He looks back at Verity. "Like... with a gun?"

 Verity smiles softly. "Oh, you're stupid. I like that in a person I'm going to use as a tool for the rest of my life."

 "I like you, too," Fitz says, tail wagging.

 "I'm using the Skill to confuse the Vikings so they won't raid our shit and turn our people into zombies," Verity explains. "I'd ask Galen's Skill students to help but they're pretty useless. Hey, didn't Galen teach YOU how to Skill?"

 "Oh, he tried but I'm bad at it, it's because I'm a basta-- HHHHGGGHHGHGHHGHHHHHH KEPPET.EXE HAS ENCOUNTERED A PROBLEM AND NEEDS TO GHHHGH TROJAN DETECTED TAKE ACTION TO PREVENT GHHGGHHHH HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CLICK HERE TO CHAT GHHGHGGGHHHHHH"

 "Huh," Verity says after thoroughly mentally assaulting Fitz without warning or permission. "Looks like someone used the Skill to convince you you were bad at Skilling. That’s just one of the many things the Skill can do that I will reveal to you whenever I feel like it, which will usually be AFTER you need to know.”

 "I think I need an adult," Fitz whimpers from the floor.

 Verity chuckles fondly. "I am an adult. Too bad I don't really have time to teach you to Skill properly. That probably won't come back to bite us. Run along now, stop crying. Oh, and see if Chade can get you to murder that gross noble two counties over."

 A few weeks later, at breakfast, Fitz tries to eat Coco Puffs as quietly as possible while Verity and Shrewd argue.

 "I don't WANT to get married," Verity says for the eighteenth time. "I've gotta keep sitting in the Martyr Tower and keeping Vikings from attacking us!"

 "Well guess what, bucko, I'm your father AND your king and if I say you're getting married then you fucking are!" Shrewd rage-butters a scone. "And I swear to Eda if you pull a Malicious Compliance like your older brother and marry the absolute worst candidate for queen you can find then I'll look the other way when YOU'RE assassinated too!"

 Fitz slowly reaches for the cereal box, eyes wide.

 "It'll be good for morale, Verity," Shrewd goes on. "Everybody'll be like, 'oh, if the Prince is getting married and pumping babies into some foreign woman then being murdered by Vikings really isn't that bad!'"

 "And who did Regal choose for me to be married to?" Verity asks.

 Shrewd looks at the smudged writing on his hand. "The Kraken," he announces.

 "You mean Kettricken?" Verity says. "The mountain princess? I'm like twice her age. And I don't have time to go to the mountains to grab her, Vikings will totally Vike you all while I'm gone!"

 "Well SOMEBODY'S gotta go up there and grab her," Shrewd insists.

 "Figure it out," Verity snaps as he storms out of the room. "And by the way, Fitz has been sitting there eating six bowls of sugar cereal because he has no adult supervision!"

 He slams the door.

 "Hi Grandpa Shrewd," Fitz says into the silence.

 "Hello, Lil Accident. Just so you know, Kettricken is only second in line to the mountain throne. First is her brother Rurisk, who took an arrow to the chest a couple years back and now is about to die from Being Poisoned to Get Him Out of the Way."

 "Yes Grandpa Shrewd.”

 Chade Spidermans down from the ceiling. "You're sending him and not me? Why?"

 "Plot reasons," Shrewd says, taking the cereal box away from Fitz.

 "Oh boy," Fitz says, jumping up. "I'm gonna go tell my friend the Fool!"

 The Fool's not in his room, but a bunch of other cool stuff is: every Lego set from 1973 onward, a bunch of those neon-colored ponchos from the 90's, Sudoku puzzles completed in ballpoint pen, and A BABY????

 Oh wait, that's a doll. Looks like a baby though. Weird.

 Next Fitz goes to visit Patience. Patience is sifting through an old jewelry box; she sits Fitz down so she can hold different things up to him and see how they look.

 "Hmm. No, too subtle... this one's too gaudy. Ah, yes, this one." Patience pulls out a black collar with the word DADDY on it in gold letters. "Yes, this is perfect. Put it on, Fitz."

 It's eventually decided that since Verity can't go to the mountains, Regal is going to be a stand-in at the wedding and then they'll have another wedding later when the Kraken comes down to Buckkeep. Fitz is loading up the horse-van for the journey when the Fool cartwheels up to him.

 "I have something for you," the Fool jingles.

 "I didn't go in your room and touch your doll or accidentally drop your seven thousand five hundred and forty one piece Millenium Falcon Lego set," Fitz blurts.

 "Take this Pepto Bismol," the Fool says, "and don't eat anything weird in the mountains."

 "Don't worry about me, Fool," Fitz laughs. "I'm sure nothing bad'll happen."

 Fitz goes on a road trip. August, Fitz's cousin and current member of the Skill Gang, is going with them to help Verity Skill-connect to the wedding when it's time. Hands the stableboy is also there, which is nice, because they're taking the I-5 to Jhaampe, the mountain capital, and there's not a lot to look at on the way. They travel through a lot of places that Fitz is just going to have to travel through again in two books while being chased by Regal, so all he really notices is that there's a shitton of grass, a bigass lake, and only one set of hot girls who want to give him and hands their first sexual experience (the girls' mom shows up and hits them with a sandal until they go home).

 The wedding party climbs into the foothills of the mountain kingdom, and there waiting for them are... the Vikings?

 Okay, so the group of seafaring raiders that I've been referring to as "The Vikings" are culturally sort of more like Mongol raiders. It's not really a one-to-one comparison but the important point here is that the mountain people are what we in the real world would typically imagine Vikings to be, except that here in the Six Duchies the Vikings are the Vikings and the mountain people only LOOK like Vikings, Fitz is Simba, Regal is Scar and I think the Fool is Horatio.

 Are we clear? Alright moving on.

 Fitz and co. are greeted by a welcoming party of mountain people, who are tall and pale and blond. They're super friendly and cheerful, singing the Songs of Their People and totally confusing Hands, who doesn't speak Mountain. Fitz doesn't speak Mountain either, probably. Maybe.

 They arrive in Jhaampe, where the buildings look like if you cut off the tops of the towers in Red Square or planted a bunch of turnips upside down. A second welcoming party pops up, and when August and his cronies complain that their feet are tired and they don't feel like walking anymore, the mountain peeps carry them into the city on planks. Fitz is extremely embarrassed by this and is trying not to cringe all the way down into his tights.

 To seem less like a lazy dick who makes strangers carry him places for no reason, Fitz strikes up a conversation with one of the old ladies carrying his plank. Her name is Jonqui and she knows a lot about the city, and slows the plank down so she can point out interesting landmarks and gardens.

 "Pull-Out Fail speaks good Mountain," she remarks, grinning. "Maybe he learned as a tadpole?"

 "I'm just super good with languages I probably grew up speaking," Fitz shrugs.

 They arrive at the biggest turnip, which serves as Jhaampe's royal palace. Jonqui escorts Fitz inside and he finds that it's not really a palace, it's more like a tent made out of a tree, with a lot of open space in the middle, and there's not a whole lot of private spaces that he might use to murder their prince.

 Whatever, he'll figure it out.

 "Come, Pull-Out Fail," Jonqui says, herding Fitz to a center stage. "We will watch our Shift Manager present his Shift Manager to be your Shift Manager."

 "Shift Manager?"

 "Yes, that is what we call our royalty. When someone comes to demand to speak to the person in charge, the Shift Manager is the one we have chosen to throw under the bus," Jonqui explains. "It is a very important duty."

 Besides King Eyod, who is an old person, there are two random mountain folk in white dresses. Fitz eyeballs them and wonders where the rest of the royal family is. "The girl one," Jonqui says, elbowing Fitz, "she is my niece."

 "Neat," Fitz yawns, still looking around for someone wearing a crown. "That other guy looks like He-Man."

 "Yes, he is my nephew."

 Gifts are exchanged.

 "This isn't going to be like that one scene in Midsommar, is it?" Fitz asks warily. "You're not going to like, set these people on fire?"

 "This," King Eyod announces, taking He-Man by the shoulder, "is my son, Shift Manager Rurisk, first in line to the throne of the mountain kingdom. And here is Shift Manager Kettricken, who shall marry the Shift Manager of the Six Duchies and become their General Manager, She Who Sets the Schedule."

 There is general oohing and ahhing and applause. Fitz realizes he's been chatting boredly with the King's sister this entire time. Why hadn't Regal sent any kind of message to the wedding party ahead of time to warn them that the mountain people liked to play Undercover Boss? No, Regal had just texted to remind them to bring his Gucci underwear, the dick.

 Jonqui drags Fitz over to meet Kettricken and Rurisk. "Kids, this is Pull-Out Fail Farseer," she says. "Now you go run along and play, and be back when the streetlights come on."

 "Yes, in our language we call him 'The Bastard' because he sucks," August chimes in helpfully. Rurisk glares at him.

 "Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says. "I knew your father. And I spoke with him, on the day that he'd learned that he'd knocked up one of our people. He was a good man."

 "This joke is getting kind of old," Fitz says. "Listen, my name is Fitzchivalry--"

 "Oh, Fitzchivalry Farseer?" Kettricken brightens. "You poison people, right? Regal told me all about you and how you run around with Lady Thyme murdering people in the Six Duchies. It's so good to finally meet you!"

 "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Fitz replies articulately.

 "Come on," Kettricken says excitedly, "let's go to the herb garden. I heard you like herbs."

 On the way out to the herb garden, Fitz forgets that Kettricken knows he's an assassin and notices she has boobs, because he's fourteen. Together they get enthused about plants and shit, and they take a stroll around the herbs.

 "Taste this one, it's really weird," Kettricken says. "... What's that thudding noise? With a jingle? It sounds like someone's court jester is banging their head against a wall."

 "I hear that a lot," Fitz shrugs. "I usually just ignore it. You said to eat this plant I've never heard of? Mm, spicy!"

 "So," Kettricken asks as she stops a speeding train with one muscular arm, "what's my future husband like? Shift Manager Regal told me that he's really old and nasty and that he just sits in a recliner watching Fox News all day."

 "He's thirty two," Fitz tells her, mentally adding a dick to the big ol' bag that he wishes Regal would eat. "Verity is super nice, and funny, and he has fun hobbies and he likes animals. He's really handsome, too, he has gorgeous black hair and shining eyes and big broad shoulders and a really nice ass--"

 "So Shift Manager Regal lied to me." Kettricken frowns, biting her lip. "Does he lie about a lot of things?"

 "They hang people in my country for having an opinion on that," Fitz says.

 "Regal was six Jagerbombs deep one night and told me all about how you loved sneaking around and killing people," Kettricken confesses. "He said that if you showed up with the wedding party, it meant that you were here to poison my brother to get him out of the way and make me the heir to the mountains."

 "What haha that's weird what a weird thing to say haha," Fitz stammers, foaming at the mouth.

 Rurisk and Jonqui come running down the path to fetch Kettricken, telling her that there's a thing at the thing she has to do, remember that thing? And Fitz smiles and waves bye to them and then walks happily back to his room in the tree-palace and starts frantically digging through his stuff for the Pepto Bismol the Fool gave him.

 Rurisk bursts into the room at five the next morning, waving a bottle of Mountain Bismol. "Pull-Out Fail, are you still alive?!"

 "I wish I wasn't," Fitz moans, face pressed against the rug. "Get away from me with that."

 "He's not dead, no thanks to you," Rurisk says, glaring at Kettricken as she peeks into the doorway wearing footie pajamas. "Go get us some breakfast, and don't fucking poison it!"

 Fitz tries to stand up and faceplants on the bed. "Stop making the floor move."

 "Someone told Kettricken you were here to kill me," Rurisk explains. "I told her not to worry about it, but she thought it'd be a good idea to trick you into eating what we call Fentanyl Flowers and then not tell me about it until fifteen minutes ago."

 Kettricken comes back into the room with donuts and coffee. Rurisk breaks a donut into three pieces, giving each of them a piece. "And if this is poisoned, you've killed us all," he warns.

 "Oh my god, that was one time," Kettricken whines.

 "Listen, Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says earnestly. "My little dinky mountain kingdom needs the space for farmland down on your big prairies. We need cool stuff from the town that the Liveship Traders books take place in. We need a beach for our college students to go to on Spring Break. So I'm willing to give you ethically sourced furs, good lumber for warships, and my hot little sister as trade."

 Fitz pauses with a donut halfway to his mouth. "What do you mean, 'ethically sourced furs'?"

 "We shave bears. It's not important right now. What is important is that you don't have to kill me to get me out of the way, because I'm on YOUR side. Do you get me?"

 "I get you," Fitz nods.

 "Good. Now I'm going the fuck back to bed. Kettricken, don't poison anybody on the way back to your room."

 "If you don't stop I'm gonna tell DAD--"

 Fitz lays back on the bed. He closes his eyes and wonders if communism should be a thing. Then he thinks, no, having a monarchy is definitely a good idea. What could go wrong with having a ruling class of divine-right royalty who are constantly murdering each other for the throne? And surely there's no drawback to having a Prince that's an evil little shit who commits crimes against humanity with no fear of punishment or reprisal.

 Yeah. Kings are the best.

 The next day Rurisk invites Fitz out to the dog kennels. Fitz loves dogs! Then they turn a corner to find a very old hound dog whose jowls, ears, belly and tail are all dragging on the ground as he waddles up to them, and the music swells as Fitz cries "Nosy!!" and kneels down to hug him.

 "That's my loyal old hound dog," Rurisk says. "Burrich the stablemaster sent him to me in a little basket with a bow on it years ago."

 "I had a socially unnacceptable soul-bond with this dog," Fitz explains.

 "Gross," Rurisk smiles. "Anyway, I gotta go do Prince stuff. Smell you later."

 Fitz immediately goes to find Burrich, who is in the Big Turnip presenting a horse to Kettricken as a wedding present. Cob--

 Wait, there's a note here. It says, "Cob is the stable boy that Fitz and Nosy met when they first came to Buckkeep." There's a piece of straw taped to it.

 Cob is there too, and he makes sure to give Fitz the middle finger as he approaches.

 "Burrich, I need to talk to you," Fitz says. "I just found out you didn't kill Nosy when I was little."

 Burrich stops what he's doing and turns slowly to stare at him. "I'm sorry, you thought I killed a puppy? Jesus, no wonder you were so twitchy as a kid."

 "But you didn't kill a puppy," Fitz says. "And we can still be friends."

 "You thought I was a monster who would [BUILD A ROCKET SHIP SO THAT AN ANIMAL COULD RETURN TO ITS HOME PLANET] if I'd found out you'd bonded with it, but you turned around and bonded with another fucking puppy," Burrich growls. "Which I told you is nasty, so no, we can't be friends."

 Fitz drags himself sadly back to the Big Turnip.

 That night, Fitz is getting ready for bed when Regal's servant turns up at his door. "Hey fuckwad, Prince Regal wants to talk to you," he says, and drags Fitz by the wrist up to Regal's royal Regal room.

 Regal is chilling in his chambers doing epic bong rips out of the skull of a dead orphan, like not a dirty street urchin, but specifically an adorable little ragamuffin with soot on their little tophat that flew off comically when Regal took them out from five hundred yards away with a sniper rifle. "What's up, DICKchivalry," he sneers, then high-fives one of his minions.

 "Hi," Fitz says, forcing a smile.

 "Have you gotten around to murdering Prince Rurisk yet?" Regal coughs.

 "Uh."

 "Uh," Regal says mockingly. "God, you're stupid. Isn't he stupid, minion who has no business hearing any of this?"

 "Absolutely idiotic, my Prince."

 "Prince Rurisk said he's on our side," Fitz says, "and that he wants us to have the lumber we need and his sister and everything. I figured maybe it'd be better to like, not kill him."

 "Alright, since you're too dumb to plan an assassination, I'll figure it out for you," Regal says as his minion loads another bowl. "I want him graveyard dead before the wedding so he doesn't stand next to me and make me look short. Now fuck off."

 Fitz fucks off with many a backward glance, wondering what the fuck he's supposed to do now. There's no signal in the mountains so he can't send a message to Chade or King Shrewd to tell him that Rurisk is cool actually, and even though Regal sucks, like, REALLY sucks, he IS a Prince and Fitz is a tool of the Crown so he does technically have to follow orders.

 What the fuck is Regal's problem? Fitz thinks while brushing his teeth the next morning. Why did he tell Kettricken that I'm an assassin? Why does he want Rurisk dead so bad when Ru-Dawg is on our side? Gosh, I wish I could talk to Chade or Verity or Grandpa Shrewd or literally anyone, but they're so far away, and--

 Oh right, the Skill.

 "AUGUST," Fitz pants, sneakers squeaking as he skids to a halt in front of his cousin. "I've been looking everywhere for you. Look: do you see this silver pin, with the ruby in it? King Shrewd gave this to me when I was nine and sitting under a table eating leftover pies. The Fool and Regal were there too, and there were some puppies, and King Shrewd knelt down and gave me the pin and told me that if I ever needed to talk to him, I could just show this pin at his door and he'd let me talk to him, no matter what, and there's something really important going on so I need you to send a Skill message to him right now."

 August looks at him for a minute. "No," he says finally, and turns to leave.

 Fitz grabs his sleeve. "August you HAVE to let me talk to Shrewd, there are LIVES at stake!"

 "Okay fine, jeez," August says, shaking him off. "I'll get Shrewd on the line."

 "Great! Great. Okay. Tell him, uh." Fitz takes a deep breath. "Tell him Prince Rurisk is doing great and I don't think we should kill hi-- uhhhhhhhhh, I mean GIVE him the PRESENT that we were going to POISON him with."

 "You're such a fucking spaz," August mutters, closing his eyes to make a Skill Call. Then he shrugs. "It went straight to voicemail."

 "Redial," Fitz says desperately.

 "No, I've got important cousin shit to do, including telling Regal that you just tried to get me to dial long distance to talk to the King." August walks across the palace to talk to Regal, but the Prince is high as fuck and doesn't care.

 Fitz leans against the wall and makes a thinky face. "Maybe I could kill Regal," he says for what will be the first of several hundred times. "Eh, probably not worth it."

 That night, Regal's minion gives Fitz a little secret packet of horrible deadly poison. "Regal gave me this to give to you to give to Prince Rurisk," he says. "Put it in his drink and make it look like an accident."

 "Did King Shrewd send me here as some kind of complicated political maneuver where I would kill Rurisk and then be publicly hanged for murder so no one would find out that we killed Rurisk for political gain?" Fitz asks.

 "Take the fucking accident powder," the minion snaps.

 Fitz walks through the Big Onion to Kettricken's door, where he knocks and tells her that he's going to kill her brother. Then he goes to Rurisk's room, with Kettricken following behind. He sits down at Rurisk's table and dumps the accident powder into a glass of wine while Rurisk watches. Then they both drink from a different glass.

 "Kind of sucks that Shift Manager Regal told everyone you're an assassin, Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says. "You wanna hang out here in the mountain kingdom so you don't end up at the bottom of a lake with your feet encased in concrete?"

 "Maybe," Fitz says. "I think somebody's supposed to catch me in the act of killing you just now, will you let them in?"

 Cob bursts in the door. "Caught you red handed poisoning the Prin-- OH FUCK KETTRICKEN YOU DIDN'T DRINK THAT WINE DID YOU??"

 "No, why?"

 Rurisk falls over dead.

 "Wait, why is he dead, we both drank from the same gl-- wow, I do NOT feel so great," Fitz says, foaming at the mouth again.

 Cob grabs him. "I sent Smithy to space," he grins.

 "Yeah, well I have a poisoned knife," Fitz replies, stabbing him with it.

 "Sweet mountain Jesus, someone stop him, he's killing everyone!" Kettricken yells, then realizes she's holding a heavy metal object and beans Fitz in the head with it.

 Fitz wakes up in the stables outside the Big Onion with Regal already monologuing over him. "I wanted you dead because you and Lady Thyme poisoned my mother!"

 "Queen Desire, Shrewd's second queen who died at some point in this book but Fitz literally cared so little that he didn't even mention it," says a nearby hay bale.

 "Thank you, hay bale," Regal says. "You thought I didn't know you poisoned her, but I DID know! I also know that you were using Burrich to Skill, but as soon as I had Cob stab him you were forced to stop. I knew ALL of these things!"

 "Glag," Fitz says, concussed. Then he closes his eyes, and suddenly he can Skill.

 "Hi, Prince Regal," Galen the Skillmaster says. "Are you ready for me to Skill-Kill Prince Verity during the wedding so you can marry Kettricken and be King-in-Waiting?"

 "Ugh, but she looks like a Soviet Union propaganda poster," Regal moans.

 "Suck it up," Galen says, hitting 'end call.'

 Fitz is still laying on his face in the stables. Nosy noses in and ambles over to drool on him, then bites through the ropes Fitz is tied up with. Burrich shows up next.

 "You have the Wit," Fitz tries to say, but he's still suffering poison damage and the 'hit in the head' debuff, so it comes out as "Glaggaglah."

 "I'm in the closet," Burrich says. "Did King Shrewd turn you into a baby assassin?"

 "Glag," Fitz confirms sadly.

 Burrich looks back at him, then does a double-take. "Where the fuck did you get that collar that says 'DADDY' on it?" he demands.

 "Patience glave it to me."

 "I cannot fucking believe this," Burrich mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose. "That's the collar that I gave to your dad."

 Fitz looks at him.

 "You gave it to Prince Chivalry when he found out about me," Fitz says. "That's why it says 'DADDY,' because that's when he found out he was a father."

 "Sure, we'll go with that," Burrich says queerly.

 Jonqui, King Eyod's sister, clips through the wall while T-posing. "Come back to the Big Onion," she says. "Kettricken has forgiven you for poisoning her brother. Which I know you didn't do."

 They drag Fitz back to his rooms at the Big Onion. While Fitz is trying to remember how to drink water, August shows up at the door. "Verity called," he says boredly. "He said, uh, be loyal to who's loyal to you, or something. Also all of Regal's servants died mysteriously and he wants you to go to the hot springs to help him bathe."

 "I do not want to see Regal naked," Fi tz protests, but goes anyway.

 Regal's sitting in a hot tub drinking an evil martini when Fitz and Burrich arrive. "Ah, there you are," Regal says. "Hulking Manservant, bang Burrich over the head."

 Burrich goes down. Fitz yells timber. Regal drags Fitz over to another hot tub, ignoring the sign that says 'WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS HOT TUB IF YOU HAVE BEEN RECENTLY BETRAYED BY YOUR EVIL UNCLE' and throws him in.

 "And that's that," Regal says happily, dusting off his hands, and leaves.

 Fitz, flailing around in the water being hot tubbed to death, can suddenly Skill (again). This is great! He Skills joyously. Skilling is rad! I'm gonna call everyone! Hey Verity! VERITY! ... Verity?

 "Dearly Beloved..."

 The Fool looks up from his Adult Coloring Book. "Hm?"

 "We are gathered here today to join these two second bananas in holy matrimony. Do you, Prince Verity..."

 Verity! Fitz Skill-yells. Look out!! Skillmaster Galen is standing behind you about to pull a Skill Dracula on you and suck out all your, uh, Skill! That's a thing that can happen apparently!

 I am actually Queen Desire's bastard son and Prince Regal's half brother! Galen Skills evilly. I'm pretty sure there's no member of the Farseer reign that HASN'T either sired or given birth to a bastard! Like seriously, as a family we legit just cannot keep our pants on. ANYWAY! I have been conspiring to kill Verity and put Regal on the thro-- oh okay apparently you can just straight kill someone with the Skill too, who knew.

 Galen collapses, Skill-dead.

 AUGUST, Verity Skill-megaphones into August the Skill-cousin's ear. PUT THE KRAKEN ON THE LINE SO I CAN TELL HER IT WASN'T ME WHO PLOTTED TO KILL PRINCE RURISK. AND ALSO THAT I RESPECT HER AS A PERSON AND WILL GREET HER WHEN SHE ARRIVES AT BUCKKEEP WITH A FIRM HANDSHAKE AND A MANLY NOD.

 August's head explodes.

 ~epilogue~

 Fitz and Burrich are later found in a wet, unconscious pile in the steams. Fitz has puncture marks in his wrist from where Nosy pulled him out of his hot tub tomb before climbing into his rocketship and flying back to his home planet.

 Though neither of them are dead, Burrich has conveniently forgotten that Fitz is a baby assassin, and Fitz probably can't be a baby assassin anymore because he has about thirty seizures a day due to being poisoned and then poisoned again and then blugeoned and kicked and drowned all in the space of like thirty minutes.

 They spend a long time recovering in Jhaampe, even after Kettricken and Regal (remember him? he's still alive) go down to Buckkeep. Burrich tells Fitz that they're friends again and that he'll go wherever Fitz goes because he's wearing the 'DADDY' collar. Fitz says, "Because you... view me as a parental figure? I guess?"

 Burrich replies, "Sure. We'll go with that." NEXT TIME, ON DRAGON BOOK Z: Fitz has his Hot Girl Summer, immediately followed by his Shit’s Wack Winter, in ROYAL ASSASSIN ABRIDGED!