#million dollar bacon

[lust4wonder]

Million Dollar Bacon from First Watch

[artbyfuji]

Rise & Shine ☀️☕

[frostedsugarcookiehearts]

² it's a friday, (i'm in love)

୨ৎ

as chappell roan said, "your favorite artists' favorite artist"— but for you, it was more like your celebrity crushes celebrity crush!

you'd been on youtube for a long time now, flying under the radar of the algorithm for a good while. there were pluses and minuses to this arrangement, of course— you didn't live in a multi-billion-jillion dollar mansion, but also, your fanbase was small and dedicated, and you still lit up every time when you saw a fan edit or fan art.

out of sheer luck, a friend of a friend of a friend of a... well, you get the jist, but you knew ted through mutual friends. you'd met at a party once, and you geeked out upon meeting him, chatting his ear off. he had more subscribers than people you've ever met! by a million.

clearly, you had left some kind of impression on little ol' ted, because he invited you onto chuckle sandwich (rip), and right on the dot you were squished in the booth, trying to prepare for the inevitable being-squeezed-between-two-over-six-feet-men, wide eyed and a little nervous as you adjusted your hair for what felt like the hundredth time.

then you felt the booth dip beside you, and you whip your head around (then up) to see a huge brick wall of a man. "you must be schlatt! it's nice to meet you!" you chirp, offering out a hand.

maybe you weren't the best at first impressions, because schlatt took one look at you— and maybe he was feeling under the weather... or something?— he turned bright red and ran out. like, quite literally got up out of the booth, and ran, muttering about going to the bathroom.

you and ted ended up chatting politely about how you got into streaming, what your favorite thing to stream is— the kind of questions anyone who had a podcast would ask. but then you felt the familiar dip in the booth, you turned around again to face the big man again. gracious and charming, he blurted—

"so... woman. got uh," he cleared his voice. "got a boyfriend?"

it takes a second for that question to load in your brain, and then you blink. realizing you're on a podcast and not an awkward first date— (could've fooled you)— you try to come up with a charming response of, "the only man in my life is the twitch grind, schlatt," and offer him a grin.

the mic picks up the grumble under schlatt's breath; "there room for one more?"

ted snickers, but attempts to save you from an awkward situation by steering the interview back to questions they have for you. schlatt gets a little less awkward after his whole "unlimited games or unlimited bacon" spiel, but he goes right back to his antics after he leans in a little closer and chirps,

"wanna play a game that we always play with the podcast guests?"

looking around suspiciously, ted raises a brow, because there is definitely not a 'game' or whatever the hell schlatt's spouting right now. "schlatt, what the fuck are you—"

"it's, uh, you basically turn the digits of your phone number into a number and tell me how much money you'd have." schlatt stutters out, offering a dorky smile to you.

you blink. "one? i only have one phone number. i'm not richie rich like you!— i watched that one video of yours when you went to that hotel room that was so much money, it made my head spin."

"ah, that's nothin', toots. i can take ya sometime." he winks at you, and for some reason, your heart flutters. "like uh, a part two."

ted, always the instigator; "would you two sleep in the same be—"

"al—right!" schlatt claps loudly. "let's move on."

the interview ran smoothly enough, but it was nothing compared to the comments. they exploded about the chemistry between you two, the banter, and schlatt's pathetic attempt at flirting. it made all the fans go insane, it was clipped a hundred times over and posted everywhere.

and then the pièce de résistance? an offhand comment schlatt made on stream, joking that if people started donating a thousand dollars, he'd ask you out on a video game date.

boy, did the fans deliver for you two! they insisted that schlatt raid your stream, which he did, peppering comments like "what's your favorite flower" or "how are you doing today beautiful?" fans of yours even left sneaky little comments in schlatt's chat about what kind of things you liked, and a few clips of you talking about your type in men and your ideal dates were sent directly into schlatt's dms. and he watched them. analyzed them, actually. if he put this much energy into homework back in school, he'd be on track to get his masters right now!

after doing his research, he felt ready to ask.

↓

jschlatt donated $1,500!

↳ hey toots. you free @ 7pm EST?

and that sealed the deal. like clockwork, at 7pm EST, you actually got dressed up all nice, did your hair and put on a nice dress, sat down at your gaming chair and booted up discord, hovering over the call button under schlatt's tag. but he called you first, and you twirled your hair one more time before answering.

"hi," you smiled, a dumb cheshire cat grin on your face. fortunately, schlatt's was even bigger.

in the background, you made a few clicks and booted up your stream as he did his. "so where do you want to go, on our date?"

"this is a date?" you quirk a brow, smirking, and schlatt turns just as red as the first time he met you.

he stammers, "well, like, in the sense of the word, y'know. date. hangout. uh, shindig. whatever the hell you want it to be. ma'am."

schlatt turned on the facecam to show he was wearing a black turtleneck, and you turned on yours to show off your outfit. "i'm not your mom, you don't have to call me ma'am." you giggled, wiping off the bit of lipstick on the corner of your lip.

he grumbled something under his breath, his chat clearly hearing something you didn't as he comically widened his eyes, looking around the room as chat exploded.

but besides that little blip, it all went great! always the gentleman, schlatt booted up his pc to minecraft, but you shook your head and insisted on playing stardew valley instead. the two of you started on a farm together where schlatt had put your beds suspiciously close to each other and jokingly started trying to fight the townspeople— specifically sam— for 'getting all over you'. he was even about to fight robin for 'hitting on you', since he quipped, "equal rights, equal fights. and i support women liking women. but not if they're trying to steal ya from me, alright?" and promptly tried to hit her in game with an axe. lovely!

you ended up laughing so hard you felt like you had a six-pack. schlatt was genuinely a good time, and when the two of you met shane in-game, it was whirlwind. you compared him to schlatt, and he vehemently denied it. "maybe i should get married to shane," you quip, and schlatt scoffs. "what? he's like, the walmart— jojamart— version of me! you could get the real deal, right here!" he practically whined, rolling his eyes petulantly.

after hours of laughing and cracking jokes, running around pelican town and flirting, you two decided to end stream. he hummed a soft, "we should do this again sometime."

"oh, we will." you grin. "my dms are open."

he smiled, looking straight into the screen— it felt more like right into your soul, though. "good to know."

୨ৎ

dividers credit: @omi-resources

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Meet the Family 5

No tag lists. Do not send asks or DMs about updates. Review my pinned post for guidelines, masterlist, etc.

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as dubcon/noncon and other possible triggers. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: Your boss needs a last-minute favour for the holidays.(petite!reader)

Characters: Lloyd Hansen

Note: Today is my friday bc I booked time off to go see my grammy!

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me <3

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!) Asking for more or putting ‘part 2?’ is not feedback.

Love you all. You are appreciated and your are worthy. Treat yourself with care. 💖

You don’t dare enter the suite again until you hear snoring. You’re cautious as you move around in the low rhythm of Lloyd’s slumber. It begins to dawn on you slowly what you’ve agreed to. You’re used to controlled doses of him. You go to work, do his bidding, then clock out. There might be a few late nights but this is too much. 

One million dollars. You repeat it to yourself like a mantra. With that money you can but your way free of this man once and for all. Hell, you might go back to school so you can be an insufferable boss one day. That might actually make your mother proud. 

You shut yourself in the bathroom and try to wake yourself with a shower. It’s nice but your fatigue is even more obvious as you emerge. Your coffee sits cold and forgotten next to scraps of bacon and an empty cup. 

You go back down to the dining hall and sit to enjoy your coffee without the threat of another awkward moment. You rub your forehead as you lean your elbow on the table and sip. Not bad for hotel brand. 

You return to the room and knock before you let yourself in. You hear stirring in the bed as you do but nothing as lewd as last time. Lloyd groans and whimpers. 

“My head,” he moans. 

“It’s almost ten,” you say. “What time is this brunch at?” 

He whines again and drags a pillow over his head. You open your carry-on and pull out your travel tube of pain killers. You cross to him and grab his hand, shoving the capsules into his palm. 

“Get up,” you say, “what time?” 

He clasps onto your fist and rips the pillow off. He tugs on you as he sits up. His eyes are blood shot and his forehead creased with agony. You want to laugh in his face. Serves him right. 

“Twelve,” he pouts. 

You wrench your hand free and go to the mini fridge. You grab him a bottle of water and toss it onto his lap. He catches it with a flinch. 

“Woah, watch the gems,” he warns. 

“I gotta go get my luggage. Find something appropriate,” you look down at the grey sweatshirt and leggings meant for the flight home. “Get yourself together.” 

You turn and grab your jacket. You’re really not looking forward to this. You agreed to it, though, and you won’t be Lloyd. You’re not going to gripe about a decision you made. One million, one million, one million... 

You go out to your car and grab your bag. You haul it back up and after another cautious tap on the door, you push your way into the room. The bathroom door is open as the shower thrums and Lloyd’s groans underline the hum. You shut it and prop your bag up on the chair. 

You pick out the cashmere cream blouse with the twisted neckline and a pair of soft beige wool trousers. Presentable but not high effort. These people are not going to stress, not any more than he already has. 

You change and search your toiletry bag. You use the wall mirror to get ready as you hear the shower crank off. Lloyd’s clumsy steps slap the tile and he crashes into the door from the inside. You make no effort to check on his as you blend in your blush. 

“Urghhhhh,” he appears like a yeti from a snow drift, staggering with his head nearly beneath his shoulders. “I feel like a sorority girl after rush week.” 

“That’s gross,” you reprimand as you put the blush stick away. “I think maybe this is a good lesson. Take it easy on the mimosas at brunch, huh?” 

“Hair of the dog,” he insists as he clutches the top of the towel and stumbles to the bed. “You wanna get out my Gucci suit. You can iron the jacket--” 

“Excuse me?” You turn. 

“Please, my beloved,” he whines. 

“N. O.” You say. 

“I’m paying you--” 

“That wasn’t what we discussed.” 

“Wives iron suits,” he retorts. 

“In 1952.” You bounce back. “Lloyd. This is business. We sell this thing to your family so you can get your money, and I can get mine, and that’s that. This is a shell. Okay?” 

“Hmph,” he grunts. He sucks his teeth as he thinks and you turn back to the mirror. You see his reflection. You don’t like that twinkle in his eyes. “Well, if we really want to sell this thing, we gotta make it seem natural.” He stands up and wobbles as he braces his forehead. He takes a breath and lumbers towards you, “you gotta act like you’re into me.” 

He brings his hand down and squeezes your ass. It’s more painful than you expect. You’re reminded of that unceremonious pinch issued by another of his bloodline. 

You spin to face him and slap his hand down, “ow. Don’t do that.” 

“Like I said, you’re not going to be engaged to guy you can’t stand. Okay? So you gotta get into it,” he reaches around you with both arms and cups your ass, pulling you flush to him. You drop your mascara and smack his upper stomach. 

“Lloyd,” you growl. 

“Put a little honey in it,” he kneads your ass as you squirm. 

“Let go--” 

“You know I’m right,” he wiggles his hips and the towel slips off. 

“Oh, god!” You push on him harder. 

“Mm, you know, I never realised how tiny you are. I could just...” He bends his knees as he slides one hand down your thigh and the other up your back. He angles to scoop you up. You squeal in surprise. “Ah, easy as pie. Just like me, Pixie stick. 

“Lloyd, put me down,” you writhe in his grasp. “This isn’t okay!” 

“Should we consummate now--” 

“Ew, oh, no.” 

“Ew?” He echoes. “What’s ew about it? I’m rich, I’m attractive--” He pauses as he turns and tosses you toward the bed. You land in a heap with a yelp. “And I’m strong.” 

You don’t have a chance to recover before he’s on top of you. He catches your hands before you can swipe at his face and he pins them above your head. He straddles you, shamelessly naked, and snickers. 

“Trust me, my thrust game is on point,” he rolls his hips and you close your eyes. 

“Lloyd, off. Now.” 

“I’m tryna get off, Pixie, trust,” he leans over you until you feel his breath. “We could have lots of fun. After three years of tension, you know it’s inevitable.” 

“Tension?” You hiss, “oh, I don’t think it’s the kind you think.” 

“You’re stressed. I’m offering you relief. A little extra bang for your buck, here.” 

“No,” you grit out between your teeth, twisting your wrists in his grip and you kick your legs. You don’t like the way it makes the whole bed jostle. “Just get off of me. Please.” 

“I’m trying to get in you,” he snarls. 

Your eyes snap open as his nose comes down next to yours. He leers down at you as his irises no longer sparkle. His features are sinister as he puffs down at you like a wild beast. Your heart jumps into your throat. He’s no longer just a nuisance, he’s a danger. 

You open and close your fingers, “we’ll be late if you don’t.” 

He stares down at you. You feel him breathing, shallow and rabid, as your own heartbeat thumps in your chest. He doesn’t have to stop and there’s really nothing you can do to make him. 

“Mom’s already mad at me,” he grumbles and pushes himself up. He slowly drags himself off and turns his back to you. You watch the muscles tauten and bring yourself up on your elbows. 

“I’ll iron your suit,” you relent. “Just put some underwear one.” 

He scoffs as you carefully roll away from him. You move as if any sudden motion might antagonize him. He gets up and grabs his phone from the night stand. He huffs as he lights up the screen. 

“This licks ass,” he growls. 

You go to his suitcase and open it. You search out the label with the G on it and hold up the red blazer. “Is this the one?” 

He looks at you as he chews his cheek. He nods and quickly goes back to his phone, tapping on it with his thumb. You roll your eyes and find a pair of black slacks to match. You take it all out and unfold the ironing board from the wall. 

You nearly wince as he approaches. He passes you and goes to his bag, bending to sift through it. “You know, I usually like to hang free.” He rips something from the suitcase, “but for you, I’ll tie the hog down.” He stands and steps into the briefs one leg at a time. He snaps the band and puts his hands on his hips. “Happy?” 

“Not really,” you mutter. 

“Yeah, me neither,” he sighs. 

❄️

In the daylight, the Hansen’s mansion appears even more pristine. As you come up the long walk with the elaborate set stone, Lloyd neatens his mustache with a small mother of pearl comb. You give him a side glance but say nothing. He hasn’t stopped fidgeting since you got in the car. 

You get to the front door and prepare yourself for another encounter with the worst people you’ve met. For all your time working for the man next to you, you should be perfectly honed for the task. Still, you’re not sure you can be ready for that bunch. 

Lloyd lets himself in and you follow. As you unzip your booties, he clears his throat. “Hey, mom, we’re here.” 

He receives no answer but you can hear the din humming from another room. He takes off his jacket and hangs it. You put yours next to his. His cheek ticks with dread and he forces his chin up. 

You follow him to the dining room and as he enters, he receives no welcome. A few stray looks are aimed at you but no one acknowledges your arrival. Lloyd clears his throat and sits. You claim the seat next to him and peer around. How jolly of a holiday. 

As your boss shifts beside you, you hold back a yawn. You haven’t got enough sleep for this nonsense. Lloyd sits forward and reaches for the jug of orange juice. Another hand reaches out to catch the crystal decanter. 

“Let us get the formalities out of the way, son,” William snarls. “You owe your mother an apology.” 

Lloyd rescinds his reach and flinches, “an apology?” 

“Yes, you humiliated her last night, storming off like that.” 

Lloyd blinks, as genuinely confused as you’ve ever seen him. His throat bobs and his eyes brows arch, “Mom,” he looks at Gwenyth as she puts her posture as straight as she can. “I’m sorry.” 

“Are you? And what about this one? I’d say she started all this trouble,” she accuses as she points at you with a red acrylic. 

You nearly scoff. Instead, you match her energy. “I have nothing to apologise for.” 

“Pixie,” Lloyd hisses. 

“No, why should I apologise? Tell me exactly what I did and I’ll let you know if I’m sorry.” 

“Pix, what are you doing?” Lloyd murmurs. 

“Well, you...” Gwenyth begins. “You said—You--” 

“You accused me of being out for money. I’m not. You insulted him,” you gesture carelessly to Lloyd, “repeatedly. So, I’m not entirely sure what I did that offended you so much. I’ve been pleasant but it doesn’t mean you can walk all over me.” 

“You are defiant,” she yaps shrilly. 

“I’m being honest. And to apologise wouldn’t be honest,” you shrug. “Now, if you would rather we leave, I’m more than happy to pack up. Obviously, I can’t meet your high standards.” 

“Pixie,” Lloyd whispers. 

The table is silent as you stare across it. You feel the fire burning under your skin. You’re not sure where that came from. Maybe it’s because none of this really matters. You don’t need to impress them. You just need to get that courthouse contract signed and you can be on your merry way. This is all just pretense. 

“Hm,” William pushes the jug toward Lloyd, “you hold onto that one. She’s clever.” 

“William,” Gwenyth yowls and swats her husband’s arm. 

“She has a point,” he says. 

“But--” 

“Suppose we are a bit hard on the boy,” he argues. 

“Or maybe he’s just a disappointment,” Lillian preens. “Daddy, please. He waited forty-three years to meet expectations.” 

“Better late than never,” Benson snorts. “I’d prefer never.” 

There’s a bit of laughter, though Gwenyth and Lillian continue to glare across at you. You would be intimidated if you were concerned about their opinions. But they are nothing compared to your grandmother’s eternal glower or your mother’s grim sighs. You might be better prepared for this than you thought. 

“Exactly what she said,” Lloyd swipes up the jug and stops himself, reaching for your glass instead of his. He fills it and presents it to you with a smirk. “We didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“All this waiting and for what,” Gwenyth fans herself and sniffles. “And he chooses this prissy little--” 

“Gwen,” William warns curtly. “Please, do not spoil another meal.” 

“Me? Spoil? I never.” She whines. 

“Hm, yes, we will not mention Easter then,” William tuts. “Let us just enjoy today. After all, I’m sure she could be at home with her own family.” 

You could and you would rather be. Yet, that is one thing you can blame on Lloyd. The more you think of it, you can blame every single snipe and jab on him. After all, he snared you into this. You might have been easily bought but that doesn’t excuse his machinations. 

You look at him with no effort to conceal the revelation. He meets your eye and his brows twitch. He bares his teeth sheepishly. Your eyes narrow as you center every ounce of exhaustion, chagrin, and general distaste in his direction.  

“You okay, honey pie?” He asks softly. 

You reach for your glass and examine it, “is there prosecco in this? If not, could I request some?” You turn back to the table. You hear Lloyd gulp and feel him shift before he reaches to touch your arm. It’s your turn to indulge. 

[hornetstabber]

the wendys thing is so funny because im fairly confident the only reason uber/lyft/whatever can get away with surge pricing is because if someone needs to get somewhere they can't just say fuck it and not get a ride, but if someone is just grabbing food there are already 10 million other options available almost everywhere at any time. like i very much can say "oh the baconator is 3 dollars more expensive than usual right now, fuck that i'll just eat somewhere else"

[destinygoldenstar]

(Context: Zane has died for the dozenth time, but this time he wrote a will and testament for his family)

Wu: As the master of Zane’s estate, I have been empowered to read Zane’s last will and testament.

Kai: Well get on with it, the bars open soon.

Jay: Oh poor Zane! 😭

Nya: There there Jay…

Lloyd: FSM, how predictably boring.

Cole: I’ve never worked for a kinder ninjroid.

Wu: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.

Lloyd: I knew it.

Kai: *snicker*

Wu: “I, Zane Julien, being of sound, mind, and body-“

Kai: That’s a laugh! 😆

Wu: “Do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows: To my overly emotional brother Jay-“

Jay: 😭

Nya: Jay dear, he’s talking about us.

Jay: Oh.

Wu: “Who grubbed with his girlfriend Nya, grubbed for everything they could get from me and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy…”

Jay: What?

Wu: “To Jay, I leave… A BOOT TO THE HEAD.”

Jay: A WHAT-?!

🥾

Jay: OW!!

Nya: Jay, are you okay?!

Wu: “And another boot to his wimpy girlfriend Nya.”

🥾

Nya: OW!

Kai: 😂

Jay: This is an outrage!

Wu: “Ah, but still, you are my friend. You’ve both admired my veichle collection and since I no longer need it-“

Jay: Oh, Zane! He’s too kind!

Wu: “I bequeath, ANOTHER boot to the head.”

Jay: Wha-?!

🥾

Kai: 😂

Wu: “And one more for the girl.”

🥾

Nya: OW!

Wu: “Next to my hot headed brother…”

Kai: Hey I don’t want no boot to the head!

Wu: “To dear Kai whose never chilled a day in his depressing life-“

Kai: I’m covering up my head!

Wu: “I leave my wine cellar and three crates of the finest bacon.”

Kai: …really?

Wu: “And a boot to the head.”

🥾

Wu: “And another for Jay and the girl.”

🥾

🥾

Wu: “Next, to my know it all brother Lloyd-“

Lloyd: This is so predictable.

Wu: "-I leave a boot to the head."

🥾

Lloyd: I knew it...

Wu: "And one for Jay and the girl."

🥾

🥾

Wu: "And now to Cole..."

Cole: Wha-?! I-I don't want nothing...

Wu: "Who took care of me faithfully these many, many years, who cared, made me laugh, shared some cake..."

Cole: Aw! I didn't mind!

Wu: "To Cole, I bequeath... a boot to the head."

🥾

Wu: "And one for Jay and the girl."

🥾

🥾

Wu: "And so, to my falcon companion, I leave my entire vast-boot to the head."

🥾

Wu: "And finally, to my sensei who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head, but a rabid ice devil to be placed in his trousers-?!"

❄️

Wu: 🥶UGH OH HAH HAH HAH And-and-"And I leave my entire estate of ten million dollars to the Formlings so they can afford to live somewhere warmer!"

Nya: ...is that it?

Lloyd: That's it?

Kai: That's disgraceful!

Wu: There's one last thing for everyone... 😓

Kai: Cover your heads everybody!

Wu: "I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream."

Nya: ...ice cream?

Kai: Ice cream?

Lloyd: Ice cream? That's all?

Wu: That's all.

Cole: But what flavor is it?

Wu: BOOT TO THE HEAD!

🥾

🥾

🥾

🥾

🥾

Based on The Frantic's "Boot To The Head" skit. I replaced some of the dialogue to make sense for the Ninjago world and characters. Look up the original skit, it's one of my favorites.

I have to wonder, if you've died multiple times and always came back, what would do to take advantage of that? Would you too troll your family?

[majorietaylorsversion]

monday mornings, with sirius

you need to go grocery shopping, and you drag sirius with you.

That Monday, you wake up to an almost empty fridge. In the hazy blue of the fridge light and the early morning sun, you peer through your drooping eyes to find half a bottle of milk, one egg, no bacon, and a sore scarcity of fresh fruit. You sigh. 

Your fluffy socks drag against the cold wooden floor as you head back to the bedroom. Even from the hallway, you can hear your boyfriend’s unusually loud breathing (bordering on full-on snoring, but Sirius insists he is only breathing noisily), and you peek around the door frame, eyeing the tangle of limbs that rest there. You bury a smile behind the back of your wrist. You can’t help it, it’s a Monday morning, and all you have to do today is go grocery shopping with your lovely boyfriend who Definitely Does Not Snore. 

You dodge the clothes dumped haphazardly on the floor as you make your way over to him, almost slipping, thanks to your very fluffy but slightly impractical socks. The light filters in through the curtains. You approach Sirius, his arms sprawling (elegantly, he would argue) above his head, the open window letting in enough of a breeze to gently whisk some locks of hair across his face. You’ve always liked his hair. Sirius puts a lot of time and effort into it, and the result is soft, luxurious curls you always want to run your hands through. 

You don’t resist the urge now, tenderly brushing some curls behind his ear and out of his face. In response, he (not so gently, but still tenderly) grabs your wrist, yanking you into his chest. You let out a yelp as you lose your balance and shoot forward into Sirius’ waiting arms. 

“Hey! That wasn’t very nice,” you tease, though you end up mumbling it into his neck as Sirius wraps his arms around you, firmly anchoring you to him. 

“You left me, pup, I don’t have to be nice to you.” His voice is still thick with sleep. It makes you smile even more. 

“I wanted to get up and make breakfast. I was being a good-” 

“If you were a proper good girl, you would’ve just stayed in bed with me. It’s only like, 8:30. Too early,” Sirius argues, and you roll your eyes. ‘Scuse you for being hungry. 

His hand moves to the back of your head, and you roll your eyes again, you know what move he’s going to pull next, you’ve been in this position too many times before. Very predictably, Sirius rolls both of you over, placing you in his haven of duvets and pillows, with his warm and abnormally large hands now cradling your face. He’s grinning at you, the early morning softening his signature smirk into one more tender, just for you. Sirius has a very lovely smile. 

“We’re out of food. We need to go grocery shopping.”  

“Sweetheart, you know I love you, but it’s too early.” 

“It is not too early! And even if you don’t like it, we still need food, and I’m not gonna wait around until it's ‘late enough’ for you to get out of bed. Besides, what are we gonna do? Order in? For breakfa-” You’re rudely cut off by Sirius’s hand clamping over your mouth. He’s laughing now, at you, at your silly too early morning rant, and you feel your cheeks heat. You try to hide your face in his hands. And fail. 

“Fine, fine, you’re right. We can’t order in on a Monday morning. We’ll go grocery shopping. You win, pretty girl.” He’s still looking at you, his hand still over your mouth. Still smiling his million dollar smile.  

-

After finally dragging your annoyingly lazy boyfriend out of bed and out of your apartment, you stand in the supermarket, peering at the different breakfast foods on display. Said boyfriend is being entirely unhelpful, his arms over your shoulders, his weight draping over you like a warm but heavy blanket. His curls tickle the skin of your neck, as he rests his head on his shoulders, next to yours. Sirius presses his cheek against yours, and you want to turn your head and kiss him. 

You really want to, but you don’t, because you haven’t brushed your teeth yet. Sirius doesn’t mind, he’s told you a million times, but still, it's just one of those things you can’t get over. You sigh instead. 

“What’s wrong, bunny,” he asks, “don’t you like Fruit Loops?” 

“Maybe I could get, like eggs and stuff, make pancakes? Or something.” You trail off, thinking, thinking what would feel better this morning. It's so nice and ordinary, you don’t want to waste it. 

Sirius tightens his arms around you. 

“We can do that, bub, but you make terrible pancakes. I suppose I’ll have to make them.” You’re shrugging out of his hold before he finishes speaking, his laughter trailing you as you walk down the aisle, away from him. You head the eggs without waiting for him to catch up. 

“I’m kidding, puppy, I’m kidding,” Sirius says as he catches up to you. You pretend not to hear him, but he’s impossible to ignore as he wraps a steady arm around you, leaning down to kiss your forehead. 

“I know, you're joking, because there’s absolutely no way you think you make better pancakes than me. I can’t believe you went there.” You keep your eyes forward as he stands next to you, his embrace warm, but you're smiling. You know he’s smiling too. 

“It’s alright, love, you can admit you make below average pancakes. You can admit mine are better, I won’t make fun of you.” Sirius reaches forward and grabs the eggs off the shelf for you, just as you go to move. “Maybe I can even give you some pointers? Y’know, so maybe one day you might actually make some good ones.” 

“Oh, definitely not. You insult my cooking and I’m not making another thing for you. Ever. I hope you starve.” 

“Aw, babe, you wound me.” 

“Good.” 

-

Sirius makes both of you pancakes. While you may slightly prefer the way you do them, he comes a close second. A very close second. You sit in bed together and eat them, trying not to get crumbs on the blankets while you cuddle up next to each other. He manages to kiss you before you can brush your teeth. 

It’s a Monday morning, and you’ve got all the time in the world.

-

i have officially discovered a new hobby!! writing fanfic!! go me!!

[dearabby1990]

Chapter 48: Friendly Free day

The sound of the alarm is what wakes you from your peaceful sleep after you smack the snooze button all you’re met with is the sound of the beautiful birds & ocean outside but notice you feel something missing. Rolling over you notice your husband isn’t in bed so sitting up & slipping into your fuzzy slippers you start to poke your head around to see where he could’ve went off to. Nowhere to be found you start to worry just as your getting ready to get dressed & look for him you hear the door unlocking & in enters your gorgeous husband with a few platters of food & that million dollar smile “mornin sunshine got us some breakfast I was hoping you get back before you got up but seeing your gorgeous face waiting at the door is way better anyway” you smile “you scared me you ass hat I rolled over & looked around & poof gone I should beat you but you have food so that’s a start” he chuckles “you love me too much to hurt me princess besides I have your favorite”. Both of you sitting down in the kitchen area opening your containers to see French toast & bacon you haven’t felt so hungry in your life Eddie seems to have ordered the same you both dig into your food enjoying every bite “I’m surprised you haven’t been getting sick or anything or have you?” Shaking your head “nah just get sleepy sometimes & really hungry other then that I’ve been fine” “hmm maybe that’s a good thing” “maybe we’ll check on everything when we get home”. You both are getting ready & you’ve handed Eddie the passes him & the guys need to go do their water activities. “You’re gonna have so much fun baby I want you to have a ball I know we will in our own way im taking them down to the beach I got the three of them boogie boards & when they’re all done we’re gonna go get dinner & ice cream you guys don’t forget your reservation at the pub is at 7pm don’t be late the address is in the envelope I gave you I love you so much have fun & we’ll meet at the arcade at 10” “thank you princess you’re amazing I love you too & okay 10 sharp you got it” a swat to your ass & wink as he finishes getting dressed & you pack a beach bag for you & the boys Eddie’s out the door & you have a little time to kill. Deciding on just going to check on the boys you grab all your beach gear & head out the door. Heading to Gareth’s room you hear the sound of muffled bickering upon approaching the door you could hear more clearly it was your three favorite knuckleheads having some sort of discussion. Dustin is who you hear first with your arrival outside their door “It’s not stupid!! She could really use this I didn’t see you two idiots have anything bright to say when it came time to pick something besides do you have something better?!” Mike buts in “No but I can guarantee you whatever I do get them is better then whatever the hell that’s even supposed to be!” “Yeah what the hell even is that?! It looked like a dyed potato sack” Lucas added you’re full on laughing while knocking on the door “let me in boys I need to go to the bathroom already!” You hear them all bumbling over each other to the door as it swings open and all three of them are smiling at you helping you in. “What the heck are you all arguing about? Hold that thought I’ll be right back”. Dustin looks at Mike & Lucas “she must’ve heard us” “no way we’re weren’t that loud were we?” You come out of the restroom “you are all extremely loud but that’s okay” you chuckle “now what’s the dilemma?” Dustin steps forward with his head low & face red “uh we all kinda want to get the baby something but they were saying what I picked was stupid” you furrow your brows “I doubt it’s stupid dustin you’re one of the most thoughtful people I know” you Pat his shoulder giving him some reassurance before he hands you a small yellow gift bag looking inside you pull out the fabric to inspect your gift he’s so sweet a baby carrier tie dyed in pastel colors with straps to adjust to your chest your heart warms at the gesture “thank you i love it it’s definitely going to come in handy when I’m busy & my hands are full” you give him a hug.

“what exactly is it?” Mike asks “it’s a baby carrier see these two little holes they’re for the babies legs & I strap it to my chest so the baby is secure & I have my hands free to do other stuff i need to get done” Mike & Lucas stare at each other & shake their heads in understanding as you finish packing up the wagon full of beach supplies & lunch for you all. “Okay guys we have sandwiches chips sodas & mini brownies packed for lunch we’ll figure dinner out later after we come back & change now let’s get going one of you please pull the wagon & I got you guys boogie boards to go out and play in the water & a beach ball & football just in case now let’s get movin” Lucas runs to grab the wagon as dustin & Mike take turns opening doors on your way outside. Traveling down to your cabana rental you set up everyone’s towels & begin setting up lunch for everyone “okay guys we’re gonna eat but no water for at least 30 minutes so you guys can play on the sand or something for awhile after that go wild but not before I apply sunblock “Yes Mom” Mike says while snickering “Hey watch it wheeler I may be pregnant but I’ll still put you in a headlock & kick your butt I’m not that damn old I’m only 21” they all giggle as you set up lunch on a picnic blanket & set up everyone’s towels in the cabana on their chairs “okay guys let’s dig in me & the baby are starving” you all enjoy playful conversation picking on each other & laughing until Mike & Lucas offer to clean up the lunch mess leaving you sitting with Dustin relaxing in the sun “so???.. how’s everything been? I feel like we don’t get a lot of brother sister time I wanted to check in” “just worried about what high school is gonna be like with half of hellfire gone we’re probably gonna end up in the trash can or a locker since Eddie’s gone now” your eyes soften at his statement “dustin if I tell you a secret do you promise not to tell a soul?” He nods “yeah I swear!” “Eddie is passing his torch to you in the realm that is Hawkins high so it’s up to you to carry the legacy & find someone that has what it takes to keep it going of course when you guys play at my place he’s got his old position but it’s all up to you now & you’re gonna have an amazing experience dustin I promise you & anyone who messes with my little brother has to go through me & you know they’d have to get through Eddie first” you both laugh “you really are the best you know that?” You shake your head “ nah I just protect the ones I love & care about & always will” “that’s what makes you the best” with that he pulls you into a side hug & you squeeze him back just as the boys get back from throwing out the trash. “Okay boys go have fun no water for 25 minutes got it?! I’ve been counting!!” You yell as they take off with the beach ball playing with it at the volleyball net making you chuckle as you put on your sunglasses & noticed you forgot something “hey sunblock now get back here you three!” The whine & complain the entire time especially when you get to their faces “oh come on the nose really I’m gonna look like a ducks dork” “come down dweeb you’ll live now go have fun gilligan” Mike huffs as they walk off back to where they previously were while you pull out your book & lay back relaxing & getting lost in the story. After about an hour of the boys playing at the volleyball net they ran back to the cabana to get something to drink & grab their boogie boards Lucas turns to you “hey Jamie wanna goto the water with us?” “Sure bud just give me a second I’ll catch up go ahead” they nod walking across the hot sand your just in your bathing suit now really seeing your belly in your two piece now that there isn’t a shirt covering it you start to feel gross trying to hide it as you walk up to the boys & Mike notices how uncomfortable you look & his face softens at your body language “hey you okay?” “Uh yeah I think?” He comes over to you wrapping you in a hug as you get a bit emotional

“I’m sorry guys I’m a party pooper” “no you’re not” says Lucas Mike squeezes a little tighter “& you don’t have to cover yourself pregnant or not you’re absolutely gorgeous even when you don’t try I wouldn’t lie to you now come on let’s go have fun yeah?” You nod & all walk dipping your toes in the crystal blue water “it’s so beautiful here” as you finish you see something off in the distance & when you realize what it is you start to lose it full belly laughing “what the hell are you alright?” You pointed upwards & when they turn to see what you’re looking at in the distance is a small white boat gliding across the ocean pulling Eddie & gareth on a parasail & you all laugh together & wave trying to get their attention eventually they see you all & wave back “that looks crazy I don’t know if I’d do that I’m scared of sharks” “yeah me too” says dustin & Lucas “maybe next time guys when I’m not with child” you giggle the boys go off playing burning up all their energy against the waves until you all head back to pack up & get changed “that was so fun I hope we can do another beach day before we leave” mikes still a bit hyper tugging the wagon along “oh most definitely we’re gonna do that our last day here but let’s get back get changed & figure out what we’re doing for dinner” the boys nodded while you all made your way back to the hotel. Entering your room you throw your wet bathing suit in the dirty laundry & step into the shower to rid yourself of any sand or salt water left behind from today’s activities stepping out into a fluffy towel & going through your luggage pulling out one of the sundresses Eddie picked out for you all black with silver straps & a pair of black wedges leaving your hair down opting out to just blow drying it & putting a beautiful Cherokee rose hair clip in your hair. Spraying on a bit of perfume as you her a quiet knock at the door. Grabbing your bag you open the door to all three boys dressed very nicely is button up short sleeve shirts & nice slacks their hair neatly done & noticing that they all put on cologne of some sort Lucas is the first to speak “Good evening mam we’re here to escort you to dinner” you giggle “why thank you gentlemen lead the way” heading out you decided to let the boys pick little did you know they went ahead & made a surprise reservation Mike walks to the waitstaff “Excuse me we have a reservation for wheeler/Sinclair/Henderson” you’re laughing & dustin turns to you “what? We couldn’t decide what name to leave it under so we just all did” “it’s fine I think it’s adorable” leading to the table mike pulls out your chair & helps push you to the table “well we did one of those present 5 course things” your were extremely thankful beings you’re starving again already “thank you boys this is very sweet of you” “no thank you for bringing us with & letting us all have an adventure together” Lucas adds drinks come to the table & dustin raises his glass “to family no matter how close or how far the bonds we forged are unbreakable & the love we have for each other is infinite” “here here” the boys along with you raised your glasses with Dustin’s as you begin to get emotional “to family”.

[ominous-faechild]

✦ Incorrect Quotes Tag ✦

Note: this was literally started August 8th. I just... haven't touched it since. WITH THAT SAID— ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Thanks for the tags, @the-golden-comet (X) and @mysticstarlightduck (X)!

Rules: Use this generator to get incorrect quotes for your characters!

SUN AND SHADOW

Freya: Hey, quick question. How petty am I allowed to be?

Freya: The only thing I'm guilty of is being adorable... ...and also assault with a deadly weapon.

Freya: I’m bisexual and confused. Freya: Not at the fact that I’m a bisexual, I just never know what the FUCK is going on.

Marlon: You remind me of the ocean. Freya: Because I'm deep and mysterious? Marlon: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people.

Daleira: That was so hot, Freya. Freya: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenerate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets. Daleira: I'm so in love with you.

Freya: Where’s Crow? Daleira: Around. Freya: Around? Freya: You don’t have any idea, do you? Crow, dropping down from above: Did you know there’s a space above the ceiling?

Freya, looking at a selfie of Crow's: I hate this photo. Crow: I’m cute as fuck in that photo! I’m smiling kindly. Freya: You’re not smiling kindly; you look like you’re up to something. Crow: Up to kindness.

Crow: Why do you think I don’t like you? I do. I would kill for you. Crow: Ask me to kill for you. Freya: ...First of all, calm down-

Freya: You're not my friend anymore. Crow: I was your friend?

Crow: Wait you like me? For my personality? Freya: I know, I was surprised too.

Crow: *About to do something incredibly stupid* Freya: I know I can't stop you, but I won't let you go by yourself.

*Daleira sneezes* Freya: Daleira, are you sick? Here, let me wrap you in a blanket and hand-feed you some warm soup while singing you a lullaby! *Crow sneezes* Freya: Oh my god. Shut the hell up.

Crow: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning. Freya: This is a lie. Freya: I'm literally dating them. This is a lie. Freya: THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS.

Crow: I don't want to fight you! Freya: I wouldn't want you to fight me either!

Freya: When I first met you, I thought you were weird and annoying. Crow: And? Freya: And you are.

Freya: Did you have to stab them? Crow: You weren’t there. You didn’t hear what they said to me. Freya: What did they say? Crow: "What are you going to do, stab me?" Freya: That’s fair.

Crow: Daleira likes to say ‘you can be part of the problem or part of the solution,’ but I happen to believe you can be both.

Crow: What must it be like to live in your head? Are there happy ponies in there? It’s really something how utterly delusional your optimism is. If I didn’t hate you so much, I might even be impressed. Daleira: Huzzah! I got a heavily qualified and slightly sarcastic compliment from Crow!

Daleira: Coca Cola can remove rust from metal, imagine what it’s doing to your body. Ponderosa: Pfff, getting rid of the rust, idiot. Daleira: THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! Crow: Hmm... I've been drinking soda and my body's rust free... not sure where you're getting your facts from...

Daleira: Do you think I’m ugly? Crow: It’s not about looks, Daleira. What’s valuable is on the inside... Daleira: Crow... Crow: For example, someone's heart. Daleira: Aw... Stop it- Crow: It could be purchased for more than a million dollars, you know. Daleira: Seriously, stop.

Daleira: *Holding up a pack of pencils* These are kinda cute. Crow: Daleira, that’s gay. Daleira: We’ve been dating for 2 years—

Maritza: Ooh, somebody has a crush Freya: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Crow, I just think they’re cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about them. *Later that night* Freya, very much awake: Uh oh.

Valyarus: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.

Maritza: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment...at all? Valyarus: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.

Daleira, staring at Ponderosa in a cage: ...Why are they in a cage? Valyarus: Because it growled at me.

Valyarus: Alright, listen up you little shits. Valyar: Not you, Dally. You’re an angel and we’re thrilled you’re here.

Valyarus: What doesn't kill me better start running, because now I'm fucking pissed.

Crow: I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke.

Crow: Don’t worry, I have a permit. Valyarus: ...This just says “I can do what I want”.

Maritza: You’re alive. Marlon: No need to sound so disappointed.

Daleira: You’re not gonna shoot a puppy, are you, Marlon!? Marlon: Yeah, in the face, why?

Marlon: I don't dab. I stab.

*the squad is at a dinner party but someone has been murdered* Crow: You’re acting pretty carefree for someone whose life’s at stake. Who’s to say you aren’t the killer? Valyarus: It’s a murder, not a tax audit. I’ll be fine. Ponderosa: What about Maritza? Nobody ever suspects Maritza! Maritza: Well, what about Marlon? He has a gun! Marlon: Crow has a knife. Crow: Yeah, for fun, not for murder! *stabs Ponderosa in the arm*

Ponderosa: Onion rings are vegetable donuts. Freya, used to Ponderosa being dumb: Sure... Ponderosa: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed. Freya: Okay? Ponderosa: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake. Freya: Ponderosa: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio- Freya: Jesus, that one is a little- Marlon, interested: No, no, Ponderosa, keep going.

Crow: I am darkness. I am a power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am- Daleira: A doll. Freya: A cinnamon roll. Maritza: A sweetheart. Crow: Crow: ... stop it.

Daleira: Where’s Crow? Freya: Doing stuff. Daleira: I don’t like the sound of that. Where’s Marlon? Freya: Trying to stop Crow from doing the stuff. Daleira: And Ponderosa? Freya: Trying to stop Marlon from stopping Crow from doing the stuff. Daleira: I see. And what are you doing here, Freya? Freya: I’m supposed to stop you from stopping Ponderosa from stopping Marlon from stopping Crow from doing the stuff.

THE ARCANE RIFTS

Gene: When I first got my autism diagnosis, my first thought was “woah… it’s canon” and I think that maybe thoughts like that is why Tazin made me get tested.

Gene: Self-care is suppressing all your trauma until it comes back and hits you in the face with the force of 7 very large trucks. (to be fair that's a LOT of my characters tho I'm ngl...)

Tazin: *closes a cabinet* *a crash is heard behind the cabinet door* Gene: What was that? Tazin: The sound of someone else's problem.

Rada: Something tells me Tazin's going to be a bit more unhinged today... Tazin, holding a lit match and a bag of cheetos: Leave me be, Gene isn't home to stop me, I'm going feral.

Gene: What's gone wrong, Tazin? Tazin: Hey! That’s one hell of a thing to say to a person. Just because I’m calling doesn’t mean there’s a crisis. Gene: That’s technically true, I suppose. Why are you calling? Tazin: Well... There’s a crisis.

Gene: I have a bad feeling about this, guys. Ludmila: Oh don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Tazin: Yeah, what’s the worst that could happen? Gene, being bailed out of jail the next morning: I hate you all.

Gene: Why are you smiling? Tazin: What? I can’t just be happy? Ludmila: Mislav tripped and fell in the parking lot.

*Tazin gets a phone call* Tazin: Hello? Gene: Hi, is Mislav there? I need to talk to him. Tazin: No, Mislav is dead. Mislav, very much alive next to Tazin: TAZIN WHAT THE FUCK-

Mislav: Any idiot would know that. Tazin: I knew that! Mislav: See?

Adilzhan: We have a problem. Gene: Let me guess, you caused it? Ivan: Gimme a sec, I'm not drunk enough to listen to this yet. Ludmila: And it's another Tuesday, your point? Mislav: Would shooting you solve this problem? No? Then shut up. Tazin: If you're mean the fire, that's our solution to last week's problem.

Tazin: *pretending to joke* So when are you going to go out with me? Alyona: I don't know. When are you going to ask me to? Gene: And you just ran away?! Tazin: I didn't expect her to flirt back!

Rada: To be honest, I'm kinda pissed that I'm not asleep in bed next to the love of my life in a cottage with no obligations other than watering my vegetable garden.

Nikolai, trying to flirt: So, you come around here often? Damaris, confused: I mean, this is my house, so yeah.

Gene: Adults are the most insanely stupid people I have the displeasure of interacting with. Caspar, referring to himself and Gennadi: Even us? Gene: Especially you guys. Gennadi: Caspar: Gennadi: Petition to kick Gene out so he stops insulting us. Caspar: Seconded.

Dimitry, Entering Gene's room: Tazin did it again. Gene: Peace disturbance? Dimitry: What no- Gene: Arson..? Dimitry: NO, JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY- Gene: uh....Attempted murder? Dimitry: NO, HE ATE ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, BUT WHAT THE FU-

Dimitry: How long do you reckon it’ll be until Gene finally snaps and commits murder? Rada: I’ve been going through life assuming it’s already happened at some point and it’s just that no one was ever able to trace it back to him.

Tazin: Thank God you were there. Dimitry. I knew you wouldn't let your best friend die. Dimitry: I'm still gonna arrest you. I just can't do that if you're dead. Tazin: Whatever you gotta tell yourself. Baby steps. It's hard getting him out of his shell.

Misc that I inserted the characters into because they were too perfect:

Dalma, carrying a box: What would you say if- if I, hypothetically, came home with 7 kittens one day? Torcaiz: … Torcaiz: What’s in the box? Dalma: What woul- Torcaiz: Dalma, what’s in the box? Dalma: I think you know.

Elazi: Roman, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight? Roman: Raise the dead. Elazi: And what did you do? Roman: Raise the dead.

Kieva: I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something. Sammy: *laughs* Book recommendation? I can’t read!

Kieva: Father, I have sinned. Tián: Daddy, I’ve been naughty.

Fate: Chaos, wake up! Chaos, half asleep: Five more minutes… Fate: You’ve been in a coma for two years! Chaos: … Chaos: Okay, two more minutes…

Storm: Murder literally doesn’t hurt anyone! Ice: What are you talking about? Of course— Earth, holding out a hand to shut Ice up: No, no, they have a point—

I... changed the colors to match the modern versions, but besides that and the title headers?

This thing is EXACTLY how I'd left it all those months ago.

Idek why I've procrastinated in posting it for so long.

Taglist: @honeybewrites @the-golden-comet @illarian-rambling @ashirisu @urnumber1star

@the-letterbox-archives @48lexr @aalinaaaaaa @thecomfywriter @an-indecisive-nerd

@seastarblue

Dividers by @saradika

[fanficfindereks]

Losers on Twitter- dick tozier ✔trashmouth sooo tonight at 5am eddie found me eating his cereal and I’m scared

Eddie Tozier ✔ EddieTozier On an unrelated note is anyone looking for a freakishly tall comedian who makes dick jokes all the time because there’s one in my living room for some reason and I’m trying to get rid of him

Beverly Marsh ✔ bevmarsh I’m really not interested but I’m curious how much would you sell him for

Eddie Tozier ✔ EddieTozier I’ll give u ten dollars if you take him

Big Bill ✔ billdenbrough thats… definitely not how selling works eddie

Archive of our own

love is the thing with wings (tweet tweet, richie)-

no · raisedbyparrots• 5 h

stuck in the window seat beside a sad tall dude who has 85 elbows somehow, thank god this is a short flight

this is interesting- he's writing a text message LOVE CONFESSION and is concentrating so hard on it that I don't think he's noticed me reading every word 👀

Love interest is named EDDIE, and he has a WIFE #planemanloveseddie

Archive of our Own

no spoilers-

twitter au if all the losers were famous

francis bacon birdman

OK WAS ANYONE GONNA TELL

ME bevmarsh IS DATING INTERNET

ICON benhanscom OR WAS I JUST

SUPPOSED TO SEE A PHOTO OF THEM

HOLDING HANDS ON TWITTER MYSELF????

     borsdom ronman

idk who is the luckier one of the pair tbh…

          beverly marsh ✔️bevmarsh

me

          ben hanscom ✔️ benhanscom

me

Archive of our Own

Proud Eddie- Richie tweets a picture of Eddie to promote his standup tour. The internet does its thing.- archive of our Own

Buzzfeed Celeb: Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak take the Relationship Test-

Richie Tozier and Eddie Kasprak take the Relationship Test Buzzfeed Celeb 5.3 Million Views                                 80K likes | 3K dislikes 4,561 Comments

Richie Tozier ("Richie Tozier: Coming Clean") and Eddie Kaspbrak stop by to put their relationship to the test and see who knows more about their partner...and to maybe casually reveal their deepest fears along the way. - Archive of our Own

[januishstory]

If you didn’t grow up in a family with a cook who taught you how to store bacon grease, it might seem like a foreign concept. We clean off all other pan drippings after cooking, so why save these? You're probably well aware of the superpowers of bacon fat, though. Many of our most popular dishes of 2024 feature bacon, and several of our fan-favorite million dollar recipes—named because they taste so rich and delicious—start by cooking bacon, reserving the meat for later, then employing some of the bacon grease to infuse even more flavor into the recipe’s next step. (Want to give this a try? Don’t miss our Million Dollar Tater Tot Casserole, Million Dollar Mashed Potatoes, or Million Dollar Dip.) Even if a portion of the bacon fat is utilized later in the recipe, all of it rarely is. And many times, we’re just cooking bacon for the strips themselves and don’t have any use for the grease immediately. Rather than discarding the extra grease that’s left in the pan, our Test Kitchen and the chefs we spoke to suggest tucking it away for later. Here’s how to store bacon grease, including one essential step that will make your bacon grease stay fresh for as long as possible. Then discover the best (and worst) ways to use bacon grease in brand-new creations. How to Cook Bacon to Be Able to Capture Its Grease Although some folks on social media demonstrate it, we don’t advise air-frying bacon, since the fat can splatter and build up on the interior of the appliance and may lead the machine to smoke. You can also hit the “easy” button and cook bacon in the microwave. However, we recommend doing so between two sheets of paper towel to keep the strips crispy and from splattering—and those towels soak up the fat. Our Test Kitchen has two preferred methods for how to cook bacon in a way that allows you to keep the grease: on the stovetop or in the oven.  To cook bacon on the stove: Line a sheet pan foil and place the wire rack over the foil. Arrange bacon strips on the rack, being careful not to crowd the strips.Bake at 400° F for about 18 to 21 minutes, or until the bacon reaches your desired level of crispiness.Remove the rack and bacon from the pan, and allow the grease to cool for 3 minutes. To cook bacon in the oven: Line a plate with paper towels.Arrange bacon slices in an unheated skillet, being careful not to crowd the strips.Turn on a burner to medium, and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until your desired doneness, using tongs to turn occasionally.Transfer the bacon to the prepared plate, and allow the grease to cool for 3 minutes. Use your crispy strips in your favorite bacon recipes (might we recommend Chicken Bacon Ranch Casserole or Alice’s Spring Chicken?) and turn your attention to the liquid gold: our grease. Getty Images / VladK213 The No. 1 Step to Help Your Bacon Grease Stay Fresh For As Long As Possible While the bacon grease is warm, but not scorching hot, transfer it to a liquid measuring cup. Into your storage vessel of choice, pour the grease through a fine mesh strainer lined with a coffee filter or cheesecloth to capture any extra bacon bits.  “If you don’t strain your bacon grease, it will cause the fat to turn rancid quicker than normal,” says Justin Harry, executive chef at TradeWinds Resort in St. Pete’s Beach, Florida. How to Store Bacon Grease The best place to store bacon grease is in a wide-mouthed mason jar or a glass food storage container with a lid, because “glass helps reduce the flavor absorption. Plus, it’s safer and easier to heat the bacon grease in the microwave later on, if you like,” says Sarah Brekke, M.S., Better Homes & Gardens Test Kitchen brand manager. Once you have your strained bacon grease in your glass storage container or jar, allow it to cool to room temperature, then press a layer of plastic wrap on top of the grease. Add the lid. While you can keep it on your counter, bacon grease will last much longer if you store your bacon grease in a fridge set to USDA’s safe refrigerator temp range of 32° to 40° F. “When you're using your grease, remove what you need for your recipe, then put it back into the fridge quickly. There is no need to let it soften first, just scoop it out,” suggests Jason Morse, the Highlands Ranch, Colorado-based chef-owner of Chef J BBQ Provisions and national spokesperson for Ace Hardware. “The more you soften and chill it again and again, the shorter the shelf life will be.” Can You Freeze Bacon Grease? You bet. Instead of straining your grease into a glass vessel, Harry recommends pouring it into a silicone ice cube tray. Freeze the grease until it is solid, then pop out the cubes and place them in a freezer-safe zip-top storage bag. Label with the name and date, and keep at or below 0° F, the USDA advises. How Long Does Bacon Grease Last When stored according to the recommendations above, bacon grease will last: On the counter: About 1 week In the refrigerator: About 3 monthsIn the freezer: 6 to 12 months  How to Use Bacon Grease in Cooking (Plus a Few Recipes to Avoid) Think of bacon grease like lard’s smokier, statement-making cousin. Technically, you can use bacon grease in any recipe that calls for butter, oil, or shortening, Harry says. But it can be helpful to brainstorm dishes in which the rich flavor and smoky quality will be a delight rather than a drawback. “Avoid recipes where the bacon flavor would not mesh well,” Brekke notes. “Many desserts [like pastries or vanilla cake], seafood, stir-fries, or lighter-flavored items could get overpowered by the bacon flavor.” On the flip side, our chefs agree that these are some of the best uses for bacon grease: Use it to fry or scramble eggs Add it to biscuit dough or cornbread Try it to kick off a fried rice recipe Use it to fry chicken Melt it as the cooking fat for popcorn Employ it in soups like Copycat Zuppa Toscana Soup or Cheesy Beer and Bacon Soup Toss it with roasted potatoes Scoop some into a skillet to set the tone for sautéed vegetables Use it instead of butter to crisp up the exterior of your next grilled cheese Add it to refried beans Try it instead of butter or oil in roux Get adventurous and use it to replace a small portion of the butter in your next brownie or chocolate chip cookie recipe Source link

[how-to-fail-at-ship-jumping-au]

Op. the million dollar question.

would you rather have unlimited bacon, but no games?

Or games. Unlimited games. but no games?

-‼️

I'm starting to think this question is a reference to something. I know this is the second time it's been asked.

[sidewalkchemistry]

Conflict of Interests of Large Health Associations: Funded by Unhealthy Food Companies?

Why [was the American Diabetes Association] actually recommending people to eat these foods linked to diabetes? It seemed that the large health organizations were recommending people to eat the very foods linked to the diseases they're supposed to be fighting against: American Heart Association promoting beef; American Cancer Society promoting processed meat; pink ribbons [for breast cancer awareness] on dairy products; and bacon-wrapped shrimp by the American Diabetes Association. And then, it all came together...

And there it was: the American Diabetes Association was taking money from Dannon (one of the world's largest dairy yogurt), Kraft Foods (makers of Velveeta processed cheese, Oscar Mayer processed meats, Lunchables processed kids meals), and Bumble Bee Foods (makers of processed canned meats). American Cancer Society was taking money from Tyson (one of the world's largest meat producers) and Yum Brands (owner of Pizza Hut, KFC, and Taco Bell). Susan G. Komen, [which] was supposed to be fighting breast cancer, was promoting and partnering with KFC, Dietz & Watson processed meats, and Yoplait yogurt. And the American Heart Association was probably the most disturbing of them all — taking hundreds of thousands of dollars from the beef industry, poultry, and dairy producers, and millions from fast food and processed food manufacturers. Every single one of these associations was taking money from the meat & dairy companies that were correlated with the causes of these diseases. This would be like the American Lung Association taking money from the tobacco industry.

- Kip Andersen in What the Health

[the-faramir]

What would you do if you had a million gold coins?

Midori sings:

🎶🎶🎶 If I had a million gold coins If I had a million gold coins Well, I'd buy you a keep I would buy you a keep And if I had a million gold coins If I had a million gold coins I'd buy you defenses for your keep Maybe a nice ballista or a trebuchet

And if I had a million gold coins If I had a million gold coins Well, I'd buy you an axe beak A nice reliant flightless bird steed And if I had a million gold coins I'd buy your love

If I had a million gold coins I'd build a deep moat in our yard If I had a million gold coins You could help, it wouldn't be that hard If I had a million gold coins Maybe we can put a guard tower with a bag of holding in there somewhere

You know, we could just go up there and hang Like open the bag and stuff And there would already be foods packed in there for us Like little pre-wrapped rations and things, mm They have pre-wrapped rations, but they don't have pre-wrapped bacon Well, can you blame them? Uh, yeah?

If I had a million gold coins If I had a million gold coins Well, I'd buy you a fur cloak But not a real fur cloak, that's cruel And if I had a million dollars If I had a million dollars Well, I'd buy you an exotic pet Yep, like a lamia or a cauthooj

And if I had a million gold coins If I had a million gold coins Well, I'd buy you Aroden's remains Ooh, all them crazy deity bones And if I had a million gold coins I'd buy your love

If I had a million gold coins We wouldn't have to walk to the bazaar If I had a million gold coins Now, we'd take a your axe beak, it's not that far If I had a million gold coins We wouldn't have to eat trail rations But we would eat trail rations Of course we would, we'd just eat more And buy really expensive hard tack with it That's right, all the fanciest halfling wandermeal, mm, mm

If I had a million gold coins If I had a million gold coins Well, I'd buy me a green dress But not a real green dress, that's cruel And if I had a million gold coins If I had a million gold coins Well, I'd buy you some art A Picasso or a Wayne Reynolds

If I had a million gold coins If I had a million gold coins Well, I'd buy you a monkey Haven't you always wanted a monkey? If I had a million gold coins I'd buy your love

If I had a million gold coins If I had a million gold coins If I had a million gold coins If I had a million gold coins If I had a million gold coins I'd be rich 🎶🎶🎶

[keirametzbrassknuckles]

Neway happy midnight (EST) and happy birthday to me. I'll take a check for a million dollars, a trip to the French riviera, a diamond necklace, a Francis Bacon original, a brownstone in park slope and some peace and quiet thanks everyone :)

[nodynasty4us]

In the May 27, 2024 essay, the writer discusses what it means that Democratic candidates for Senate are polling ahead of Joe Biden in several states.

Why does there appear to be so much ticket splitting now? One theory is that there are many young Democrats who are angry with Biden on account of Gaza, student loans, etc., but bear no ill-will against the Democrats running for the Senate. These voters might well come home to the Democratic Party in the end, however grudgingly. Another theory, however, is that the Republican Senate candidates, few of whom are incumbents, aren't well known and are not polling well yet but have room to grow as they throw millions of dollars into their campaigns. Still another is that ticket splitting is making a comeback, although in 2016 every Senate race went the same way as the presidential race and in 2020, all but one (Maine) went the same way. Our guess is that ticket splitting really isn't back in style, so it is #1 or #2. Another factor is the undecideds. There are more undecideds in the presidential race than in the Senate races. This may well indicate that theory #1 is true: young voters are annoyed with Biden and haven't decided what to do, but are not annoyed with [Arizona senate candidate Ruben] Gallego, Sen. Jacky Rosen (D-NV), etc. This is something to keep any eye on.