#might as well try and be brave
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Bewitched (ii)
↬ pairing: bad boy!yeonjun x good girl!oc
↬ characters: loner bad boy!yeonjun, heartthrob!soobin, best friend!beomgyu, female oc (can be read as f!reader too) + a few supporting characters.
↬ genre: college!au, bad boy!au, slow burn, drama, strangers to lovers, smut, a bit of unrequited love.
↬ summary: After starting college, you never really imagined that you’ll cross paths with Choi Yeonjun — the loner bad boy with influences. But life is full of surprises, ain’t it?
↬ rating & word count: 18+ ; ~2.8K
↬ warnings: profanity, explicit description of f!masturbation, minor fainting.
↬ disclaimer: this is fictional and doesn’t reflect any of their actions or personality!
↬ previous 𓍯 series masterlist
↬ a/n: my apologies because it’s actually been ages since i posted the part one. thank you so much for your patience! we’re back <3
Lying flat on your bed, you gaze at the ceiling, watching the fan rotate tirelessly. It keeps going round and round. Unironically, it resembles the thoughts churning inside your head somehow. But, you’re not some machinery, and it’s draining you out.
Inhaling a deep breath, you close your eyes for the first time in a while, tilting your head sideways. It would be so nice if you could just turn off your brain. You let yourself sink into the mattress and pillow as your hands turn into loose fists.
It’s been five days. 5 freaking days, 120 hours, 7,200 minutes, 432,000 seconds since you last saw Daniel. Maybe you sound obsessed, crazy even. But isn’t it his fault? No cause, how dare he barge into your life like a tornado and flip every unsaid rule you used to follow? It doesn’t even end there.
You feel intoxicated. You can’t get the thought of him out of your head, for the love of God. The soft crinkles on his face when he smiles, how his eyes sparkle, the enticing smell of his cologne, his hands all over your body, how his tongue felt against your core, the way he devoured your mouth—
Gosh, you need to stop. Catch a fucking break. This is getting way out of your hands. You’ve never been so distracted your whole life. And you hate the fact that he has so much power over you. He, who is just a random guy you met twice on the same day coincidentally and crossed a few lines with. Just?! Why?! Can’t?! You?! Get?! Over?! Him?!
You open your eyes, your eyebrows furrowed and lips tugged down in a frown. As your eyes mindlessly wander towards the ceiling fan once again, the events of that damned day start playing in front of your eyes. Was it really a coincidence? Or maybe a sick joke your life played with you?
After he dropped you to your home that night, you had hoped to see more of him. But instead, Daniel just simply vanished into thin air. You’ve been trying to find him everyday in your breaks, sometimes even missing classes. Unbelievable, right? Too bad that it’s the very unfortunate truth.
But did that help in any shape or form? Nope. If he’s been around, you’d have definitely noticed!! As much as you hate to admit it, he’s insanely handsome. Daniel’s striking features will stand out anywhere, and in your case — it’s literally imprinted on your mind.
With a sigh, you close your eyes. Not to sound like a hopeless romantic, but a part of you hopes that he’ll be here to meet you soon. Like, he literally has your address!! But, on the realistic side of things, that is very unlikely to happen.
Soon enough, the thought of Daniel envelops you in a warm feeling, your heart racing faster, your mind starting to play tricks with you. You briefly remember how his clothed bulge felt against your core, a soft whimper escaping you. Oh, how badly you needed to feel him deep inside you at that specific moment…
You shake your head immediately, trying to clear your mind. What the hell are you doing? Fantasizing about a guy who just suddenly appeared one day and then vanished? You curse inwardly, feeling pathetic for being wrapped around his little finger.
You hate this Daniel guy. Just one day and your feelings are all over the place. You barely spent a few hours with him, and you’re already so damn whipped.
With a groan, you sit up, reaching for your phone that’s charging on the nightstand. You’re shocked to see several messages from Beomgyu… Did something happen?
Gyu: haiiii 🥰
Gyu: bestie?! 👁️👄👁️
Gyu: HELLO?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Gyu: OMFG, ____ R U OK 😭
Gyu: :( 3 hours… you never take so long to reply 🥺
Gyu: did i upset you in any way?
Gyu: won’t tease you anymore… pls talk to me :( imy :(
A sigh escapes you. Even though a part of you wants to be irritated, you really can’t. Because as you look at the time, you realize that you’ve been zoning out for nearly four hours. Of course, he’s worried, you’d be the same if you were in his shoes.
____: Gyu 😭 no ofc not! Why would I be mad at you?
Gyu: THANK GOD YOU REPLIED, I PANICKED NGL
Gyu: ahem… anyway, why weren’t you responding then?
____: Sorry, I was busy with smth :/
Gyu: really? for 4 hours? 🤥
____: … I was working on an assignment
Gyu: right… but you already submitted the one you had and no one assigned anything new
____: WHY DO I TELL YOU EVERY FUCKING THING GODDAMMIT
Gyu: watch your language, princess 🤨
____: 🙄
Gyu: anyway lol, since you won’t tell me, let me take a WILD guess
Gyu: daydreaming about that mystery stranger again, are you? 🤡
____: …..
Gyu: yeah, ik
____: You don’t understand…..
Gyu: what???? 😩
____: Nothing…
Gyu: 😐
Gyu: see, this is the problem! you won’t even tell me his damn name! how am i supposed to help you out? 🤷♂️
____: It’s complicated 😭, I’d tell you otherwise :(
____: You know that I’d never hide something from you if it’s harmless, right?
Gyu: WAIT 🤯😱
____: ????
Gyu: is he…. like a mafia? 😳
____: Aight imma just head out
Gyu: sorry…
Gyu: umm it’s pretty late so have some good sleep and let’s meet on monday 🥺
Frustration bubbles up in your chest and you drop your phone by your side. A nap? Sleeping in this state? Fuck no. You need to ease yourself somehow.
After debating what you should do for a while, you slowly take off the oversized sweatshirt you’re wearing. Starting to caress your sensitive skin, you whimper, your hands brushing on your inner thighs, your sides, your neck… anywhere it can reach. Once you feel the material of your cotton panties dampening up, you grab the vibrator from your bedside drawer.
Because you’ve been thinking almost too much about Daniel and everything that he did to you, it’s very easy to picture him all over you. The device hums to life, and you waste no time to place it over your clothed clit. You jolt a little at the contact, overwhelmed by the sensations immediately.
You wish it was him. For some reason, you just know that Daniel would love to use a vibrator on you, watching you cry and whine pathetically, begging for him as you fall apart quickly. You tweak your nipple with your spare hand, heat blazing through your body as you inch closer to a release.
“Look at you, making a mess of yourself while thinking about me. Aren’t you cute?” His voice drifts in your ears, a whimper rumbling in your throat. “Just a little more, angel, you’re so close. Doing so well.”
You unconsciously scream out ‘Daniel’ in relief as the orgasm finally hits you. With shaky hands, you turn off the vibrator, falling back on the bed. Your breaths are uneven and quick, thighs shaking from the aftermath. It takes you a while to regain composure.
With a sigh, you get up and head straight to the bathroom, discarding your panties that are entirely ruined, drenched in your arousal and release. As the mildly warm spray of water finally hits your skin, you close your eyes, a plethora of emotions bubbling up in your chest. A lone tear trails down your cheek, followed by numerous ones that get lost within the water coming from the shower head.
Shame. You feel ashamed.
On Monday,
You manage your way through the crowded cafeteria, looking for your friends. Some acquaintances beam and wave at you, but you barely offer them a small smile and a nod. You aren’t feeling your best today either, running on a very small amount of sleep and mood swings to top it off. Dealing with yourself is pretty tiring, especially when your emotions are all over the place.
A sudden feeling of someone’s gaze behind your back makes you halt. You turn around, letting your eyes roam over the tables behind you. Everyone seems to be minding their own business, as they should. Taking a deep breath, you go back to finding Beom-binnie.
“____! Here!” Gyu’s voice takes your attention, a genuine smile blooming on your face automatically. You jog across the room to where they’re sitting, both of them standing up to wrap you up in a hug. You cozy up a lil’ in the comfortable warmth of them, the loud beating of Soobin’s heart surprising you. Is he… nervous?
You pull away first, looking at Soobin strangely. Beomgyu touches your forearm in a worried manner before speaking up, “Hey? Everything alright? Don’t tell me that you’re falling for the heartthrob.” His tone is playful as usual.
Soobin blushes heavily, his ears turning red as he avoids eye contact with both of you. On the other hand, Gyu bursts out laughing, holding onto his stomach. Cute, you think, amazed by these two polar opposites that are somehow attached at the hip.
You roll your eyes, smacking Beomgyu jokingly. He immediately scrunches up his face in ‘pain’, earning a glare from you. “Shut up, crackhead! I was just wondering why Soob’s heartbeat is so fast.”
Beomgyu throws his friend a knowing look. You quirk your eyebrows at their shared look before enquiring, “Are you two hiding something? No cause, what was that? Literally!”
The tall giant stutters for a bit, but Beomgyu is quick to cover for him. “He’s meeting someone today.”
“A date?” You tap your chin thoughtfully. Wondering what exactly it could be.
“No, no!!!” Soobin interrupts, coughing, clearly embarrassed by his sudden outburst. “I’m meeting the devil himself today… It’s been a while since our last meeting, so I’m just nervous, haha.”
You blink at him, throwing your hands up. “Can we sit? My leg hurts.” Both of the guys nod, Gyu sliding beside you whereas Soobin sits on your opposite.
“So? Who’s this ‘devil’?” You wiggle your eyebrows, trying to extract some juicy information.
Beomgyu looks at you, his eyes dark. “Yeonjun. Choi Yeonjun.”
“Oh–” You know this name. You’ve heard people gossiping about this irresistibly charming ‘bad boy’. But you’ve never seen him in your life.
“Soobin? Why do you need to meet with him?” You ask, slightly worried about your friend. Your impression of bad boys isn’t the best.
“He’s… um– I need his help.” Soobin mumbles.
“Why?” You press further.
“He’s a senior. He can help.” He answers, avoiding details.
“Oh yeah! No need to flex on us. Go meet with your cool seniors and stuff, me and ____ will be here.” Gyu chimes in, disrupting the heavy tension between you and Soobin.
You sigh, giving up. He clearly looks unwilling to talk about this more. “So when will you be meeting him?” you ask nonchalantly.
“Near four pm, before leaving.” Soobin licks his dry lips, offering you a shaky smile.
You frown upon hearing the time, grumbling, “But… but we are supposed to hangout today!”
Beomgyu pats your back, “Yeah, we were talking about it before you came. Soobin, tell us what you’re gonna do. If you’re not gonna come, then I’ll take her. She’s been sad lately.”
Soobin’s face falls, his hand gripping yours as he talks in a gentle voice, “What happened, ____? Is everything alright?”
You look at your joined hands, a pang of anger causing you to pull away. “Everything is fine. I don’t need anyone to worry about me.”
“____...” Soobin sighs, looking at Beomgyu for help.
“Hey it’s okay, shhh.” Gyu pulls you in his arms, your head resting on his shoulder.
A long, uncomfortable silence stretches, the buzzing of the cafeteria fading away as you three stay trapped in the situation.
“Okay, listen.” Soobin speaks up, his eyes focused on you. “Wait for me outside our favorite spot. I’ll be here… maybe a bit late but I’ll be there for sure.”
Beomgyu smiles, “Good idea. No harm done, right miss universe?”
You pout at him, nodding and pulling away from his embrace. Your gaze finally meets Soobin, the hope glimmering in his eyes almost making you feel bad.
“Mhm.” That’s all you say.
In the evening, you find yourself with Beomgyu, walking together by the side of the quaint river. The streetlights illuminate the paved path as you take small steps. He’s the first one to break the silence.
“So? Still thinking about that mystery guy?”
You look up at him, your lips parting as a sigh escapes you. “... Yeah. You can say that.”
“Can you at least tell me why you are thinking about this guy? Are you like, interested in him romantically?”
You nod silently, looking at your feet shyly. Beomgyu claps your back, a smirk on his lips, “Great going, huh? Behind our back? So please tell me more about him. And, don’t stress it. I won’t ask his name if you’re that uncomfortable sharing.”
You hesitate a bit, reaching out to squeeze his hand in gratitude. “I don’t really know… he has a fancy race car, and uh… ” You trail off, unsure what to say.
“Don’t tell me that you’re interested because of his car.” Gyu snorts, laughing at his own joke.
“No! It’s his vibes actually… he makes me feel, you know… things.” You can feel the blood rushing to your cheeks.
“Ooohhh.” He throws you a meaningful look, but you smack his forearm in return.
“Pervert! Can’t you think straight?” A huff leaves you, and Beomgyu almost falls down laughing.
“Oh– oh my god! I meant it in the most innocent way possible! Holy shit, did you two… get down to business??”
The thought of his mouth on your pussy comes back to you, and you hide your face in your hands instinctively.
“Ooof, that sure answers my question! Get it girl! My girl got laid, gosh I’m so happy!!” He hoots, and you swear you just want to strangle him. If only he wasn’t that much taller—
“No! We just kissed! Get your head out of the gutter!” You insist, not the biggest fan of Beomgyu’s enthusiasm about your sex-life.
His smile falters. “Ehh... Boring. Just a kiss? Nothing else? Are you sure?”
Before you can even mentally prepare yourself to fight him, the sound of a loud motorbike engine catches both of you off-guard. You turn to the side quickly, pulling Beomgyu with you.
“Thank you once again, I really appreciate it!” Soobin’s voice makes you look back at where you were just standing. There he is, several feet away, talking to the stranger who just dropped him off here.
“Whoa… who’s this with the scary looking bike?” Beomgyu whispers in your ear, pointing towards the guy wearing a helmet.
You shake your head out of uncertainty, watching them as Soobin hands the person the helmet he was wearing.
“Thank you! Will meet you soon again!”
The stranger nods, but then, he looks to the side, finally spotting you and Beomgyu.
Color drains from your face, the person’s gaze meeting yours through the glass panel of helmet. You’re taken back to eight days before, those same eyes looking into yours, sparkling in the moonlight before he leans in for a kiss.
Your heart skips a beat, and you feel yourself getting dizzy. Beomgyu, standing by your side with no clue, catches you before you can fall down. In the back of your mind, you can hear the sound of the bike fading away.
Your eyes flutter, consciousness slowly coming back to you. “Oh, I think she’s waking up,” you hear, opening your eyes to find yourself in Soobin’s arms. Beomgyu dabs your face with a wet paper towel, tension melting away from his handsome features when your eyes meet.
“____! Thank god you’re up! Are you okay?? Should we call an ambulance?”
You wave your hands, motioning him to stop. There’s a throbbing pain on your head. But still, you slowly sit up on the bench they had laid you down on, clearing your throat. After all, you have much more important things to take care of.
“Soobin?” You whisper, your voice cracking.
“Yeah?” He tucks away the messy locks behind your ear, his eyes so gentle that for a moment you forget your question.
“Who was that guy with you? Do you mind sharing his contact info with me?”
Soobin looks as if lightning struck him, his jaw dropping. “I’m sorry but are you mad?? What are you gonna do with Choi Yeonjun’s contact? I don’t have it either way but what the hell are you saying?”
You gulp nervously, Beomgyu’s worried gaze trailing over your face. “That was… Yeonjun?”
Beomgyu cups your cheek. “Well yeah. Why, ____? Is everything alright? I noticed how shocked you were when Yeonjun looked at us.”
A cold shiver runs down your spine. “It’s… nothing.” You murmur, actually starting to feel sick.
end of part ii ↺ next
˗ˏˋ꒰ 💌 end notes ꒱
thank you so much for reading! i hope it was enjoyable! 🥺💙 sorry for any mistakes left in there!
as always, reblogs and comments are highly appreciated! your support keeps me motivated 🌺🌟 you can also send feedback through asks <33
#🪄; things i’ve written#series: bewitched 🔖#txt smut#yeonjun smut#yeonjun x reader#kpop smut#txt x reader#yeonjun imagines#txt imagines#kpop imagines#kpop scenarios#txt scenarios#yeonjun scenarios#txt fanfic#yeonjun fic#i'm so nervous and scared lol#but then again. i'm the one who got me in this situation#might as well try and be brave
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‼️ART TRIGGER WARNING: Mild body horror/gore
Sooooo I kinda unexpectedly deviated from what I would consider my normal art preferences here. Mostly because I’ve seen a lot of talented artists drawing their own renditions of menacing Puzzles fanart where he goes fully insane and whatnot. I wanted to also contribute to that trend somehow…although it’s slightly out of my usual comfort zone << especially with his recent design change of loosing his whole lower body lol. Adapting that into my art was an interesting experimental challenge
Here is my own take on Puzzles falling apart! Quite literally! I still wanted to add a bit of empathy in here for him tho— because I’m going to be so distraught if WOTFI 2024 is his resignation from the spotlight for good. His final bow on stage if you will; the grand finale of his performance before he departs in death (MAN I SURE HOPE HE DOESN’T DIE BUT THE FANDOM SPECULATIONS AND PARANOIA ARE GETTING TO MY HEAD. And it just seems like the narrative progression is leaning that way). Well not matter what happens to him this upcoming Saturday…this tragic TV guy has impacted me in unexpected ways and I’m just so glad we got to spend and entire year with his character. And he’s sure not gonna disappear from my art anytime soon. Hopefully I won’t be maiming him ever again after this though jksjsksp he’s suffered enough angst for now <3
And here is just a black & white sketch version without the red overlay stuff!! Although it’s an older version so not everything is exact
#….guys should I post this on Instagram too or not I’m actally worried about this unintentionally scaring some people off#I’M SORRY NO WAIT COME BACKKKK NOOOOO /J#at least here I’ve got a community with variety of people that may find this cool to stare at#but on Instagram? my friends are for sure going to think I’ve lost my mind 🥲#I’m trying so hard to not judge myself or get self conscious or hide my art I’M TRYING#however when my brain decides to pull something like THIS outta the blue I start to question my life again lol#maybe visiting the Hana Lock art gallery today impacted me more then expected whoops#very skilled artist but she tends to do a lot of body horror as well#…..yea okay think I solved the culprit here#hplonesome art#tw body horror#body horrow cw#cw body horror#tw mild gore#smg4 mr. puzzles#mr. puzzles smg4#….still a tad worried about people finding it so thats the only tags I’m brave to put at the moment#even though I know it’s not the popular ones#might change it later though who knows!
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the annual "tumblr is dying" freakout is as good a time as any to remind y'all that i can be found at other places! there's my patreon if you've got some money to spare and want to see behind-the-scenes stuff and the things i make and do but don't post as much about, instagram for cross-posts from here (and stories featuring WIPs and sometimes my critters), and my mailing list on my website if you just want emails about shop updates!
#not leaving until they kick me out tho dont worry#actually cautiously optimistic about this shakeup#the CEO being like well we're going to do something risky but brave to try and save the site and it might just be crazy enough to work:#instead of spending a lot of money on things people dont want. we are gonna spend as little money as possible on stuff people want#well. huge if true
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Ok after having given it a few shots I can say with relative confidence that I do Not like working in pharmacy and would like out now, please,
#no repercussions!!! in fact I think everyone on earth should be like wow you’re so brave and strong (the bravest and strongest even) for#trying and we’re gonna give you a $50 raise and also you don’t have to work there but also you don’t have to tell your boss you don’t want#to work there <33 ok side note accidentally typed <:3 and it looks like a little mouse and I love it. Anyways on a serious note I like the#counting but the combination of anxiety and everything being very close and frantic as well as understaffed so I’m perpetually wrongfooted#and uninformed- I also just move a bit too slow for them which is fair!! and I think they might find me a little unsettling because people#that close together for that long talk and I’m not big on conversation. At all. so it’s just not a good fit I don’t think#I dunno it might get better in a few more shifts?? but I’m not sure#ughhhhhh ugh#tacit rambles
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i always think i'm normal. and then BOOM. mini series eddie
#mhac.txt#it (1990)#he is STILL one of those characters that fills me with overwhelming feeling.#including the overwhelming urge to bite him and shake him around.#i think it's because he's so cute physically and in personality. but i don't mean that in an infantalizing way.#especially because there's so much more nuance to him. like. the amount of times he's trying to be brave and stand on his feet#despite being scared or cowardly and vulnerable. a vulnerability particularly fed AND taken advantage of by the manipulation of his mom.#which if you cross compare that against bev and her dad it's. explosions.#i think also there's a sort of Softness in dennis christopher as 1990 era eddie. because he's just a soft cutie guy.#but also the way that eddie himself is kind. still easy to frighten and not always willing to take the reigns. but can be pushed to#and is compassionate with the guys of his company and all. still has a particular compassion for the losers as well. even richie.#which is. its own can of worms. as much as i love the idea of them i won't try to find and implant queer subtext where there might be none.#but. pennywise calling young eddie girlboy. and also the way in which both eddie actors. they deal out teases and agitation with richie.#that's inevitable when it comes to richie. but there's. TO ME. more of a fondness for him by these actors than the hard line irritation#in 2017/2019. which i'm not faulting jack dylan grazer or james ransone for. especially not when it's just part of the stylistic choices.#but. miniseries eddie holds so much more power to me than 2017/2019 eddie.#i didn't mean to write a whole essay in the tags but here we are
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i love you deco sim creators i am overcome w love for you
#i was like well no one's gonna have made this kind of specific set of deco sims but might as well google it for shits and giggles#and someone HAS made it i don't have to make and pose a bunch of sims i'm gonna cry#i do have to make a pose accessory AND the poses but i'm being brave about it#that's what i'm about to start trying right now
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NAMI HAS TAKEN ACTION!!! LETSGOOOOO
#when is uta gonna physically fight luffy..... it's just a matter of time#shanks planning on coming back?? its been 84 years.... that probably was only said to makino bc he is trying to sway her.... girl run...#'that's our local sea beast' so he just hangs out??? well fuck me#luffy was just fucking around about the making a new era and look what happened.... apollo blessed him....#the sun god omg.... nika..... ahdahsaj i ws fucking around with that too HAJSHAJA#oh no shit he does actually come back.... i thought this was the same time... omg... THAT'S EVEN SKETCHIER!!!#thinking luffy wss just here alone depressed in foosha and ace was there alone depressed on the forest too...... 🥺🥺🥺#ohhhh little luffy....... like i know she is not dead but something happened..... what....#oh it might seem like she died... elegia destroyed bc of shanks??? what is that and tot music (sounds like catalan meaning all music to me)#beckman has haki too? like zoro........#SHE HAS BEEF WITH SHANKS?? SEE HOW HE IS SKETCHY!! WHATS WITH THAT FACE???#i need to make my evil shanks cosnpiracy board but that whill be implied on my other bigger conspiracy board i am sure#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1030#zeus got free... its namis turn...#usopp and nami being strong and brave for tama..... exactly.....#and so they meet again..... oh new break with momo.......#otama tamed big mom too omg ajdhajshaja prometheus saying she enters mom mode with kids under 10 AHDHAJSHAJ#no way big mom is turning on kaido for this.... SHE KNOWS RYUO TOO??? SHE IS NOT TOUCHING HIM OMG#goodbye page one... jesus.... now his sister..... damn#damn. wasnt expecting all that. now nami can take zeus either way hehe#episode 1031#when are we gonna get ad breaks for the rest of the crew.... we get it zoro and luffy are important.... okay....#sanji carrying zoro.... here we go....#PEROSPERO????? DIEEEE!!!! WHERE IS CARROT???#komachiyo..... TAMAA!!!!! usopp tells nami to take her and run.... NAH!!!! FUCK HER SHIT UP!!!!!!#nami finally fighting omg i have been waiting for this moment#episode 1032
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dubcon seems like one of those words that’s kinda useless in its vagueness because for me, since i would not even consider it erotica if all parties arent enjoying it, i would consider applying it to something where there isnt like, narrative space to establish verbal/written consent just in case that bothers other people; enthusiastic participation from involved parties therefore displays the consent because i know these characters and i know they would verbally establish consent in like, some hypothetical pre-narrative liminal space
but for other people dubcon in fiction means coercion or prolonged uncertainty and/or a general lack of YES! in any form, and i would nope that hell out of that because why on earth would i want to read something where characters arent all enjoying themselves and wouldnt enthusiastically consent if given the narrative opportunity????
but that seems to be the stuff commonly given as examples of dubcon and for that reason i avoid most stuff tagged with it so am i using it wrong?? am i overthinking it and most people would be able to clearly read the subtextual consent in the way i thought it should be used?
#*deep space noises*#i think i might be#i-sorry theres a spider painfully making its way across my ceiling#its small enough that i think i might be brave enough to get a cup over it#but only if it gets onto a wall where i can comfortably reach it#but it keeps tripping over itself and changing directions#um anyway yea#if anyone has any ideas about what i was trying to explain with my usage then lemme know#because all i can think of is pre established consent or pre established liminal consent lmao#/i/ know what i mean by that but maybe theres a more general well known term im unware of#and even with my def i have limits anyway#agh communication is hard
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im gonna go thru my likes and try to reblog some happy/fun/generally interesting shit to make up for my own shit mood today and the rancid fuckin vibe of this Thursday. might help me, hope it might help any of y'all if ur having a shit day too 🩵💙
#text post#like today will pass things will suck less eventually but just GOD today is being a little bitch abt it#and im not handling it well which i am sorry for but also fuck off im human it happens aksjdjdj#but trying to share some good or positive stuff might help all the way around so here goes nothing#if yall have requests of stuff u wanna see like certain fandom or art or animals or smthn lemme know#im mean enough to brave the tags today to find us all some good food aksnskdjfj
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#at a low point and i only have myself to blame#whether i can control it or not. it's a mix of both but either way its me#i thought i was doing alright. nobody was actively bothering me.#and then out of nowherre i start getting flashbacks and i cant sleep#not to self diagnose but i guess i do have ptsd after all i think#or cptsd actually bc it was Many Little Things instead of One Big Thing#and i google the symptoms and…… what i found broke me.#i'm supposed to be relieved to find the terms to explain not-normal things about me no?#to tell me that i'm not broken and that i'm not the only one like this?#well… yeah. i'm far from the only one. but it told me that i am broken#and i think it's unfair that had thing gone different i could've been a functional human being#i know i've improved over the years but it hurts to know that there's a point i can never reach no matter how hard i aspire to it#it just runs too deep#and i know it will only get worse#i cried my fuxking eyes out about it at therapy and still it's not enough#and i know it's stupid and that i might as well be overblowing it and i hate it#but that's just the way it is and it's not passing anytime soon#i can't heal. not unless i free myself from the situation i’m in and have lived in for p much my whole life#and that i can't do either bc i'm a cowardly shit with no initiative#i can only cry and seethe in the distance at worse people who are somehow doing better#why do the disgusting creeps who hurt my heart and spirit get to be happy?#brave enough to step out and ask for help and charming enough to get it?#there's nothing i can do#and to the people i love - there's nothing you can either#and that's okay#the only thing i can do now is just… keep going and try my best to not get worse#i don't want this to define me (though i am sure it is a futile effort)#i dont think what i'm saying makes sense anymore
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The 4 star Dragonball magically appears, and attaches itself to Rima. It will NOT leave herside until she gathers the REST of the Dragon balls.
There is a slight panic that fills her when that orange 4 stall ball suddenly appears. Where did it come from, AND WHY DID IT ATTACH ITSELF TO HER?
If it wanted help she was the LAST person to ASK FOR help.
No... She Tires to set it down, but it wont let her set it down. AND THIS IS HER DRAWING hand which is even WORSE.
Her world is ending. She does NOT want to go on this quest. NO
#crack#/our brave hero refuses the call! xD/#/SHE HAS like NO power WHAT IS SHE going to DO? PLEASE tell me I would love to know/#DBZCrossOver#/WELL at least Vegeta can't throw this one/#/I mean he CAN TRY but she might get thrown along with it/#regulusregent
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SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK
#i was like huh whats that noise. bc i can normally NEVER hear anything over my headphones but it was the rain fucking shattering it down#my bed is WET the window was only open a few inches 😭#anyway had no signal at work again today smfh. but at least they let me on the bus free on the way there this morning#still a bit wobbly im in the baby deer phase of post major depressive episode#roommate asked how i was doing when she got home and i very very nearly started crying but i didnt i was so brave#my insane insecurity and anger swings post rsd episode have mostly faded too thank fuck. only took 4 days which is pretty good for me#but im still so so tired it takes everything out of me...#when im recovered + can talk abt it without making myself upset again im promising myself i will talk to her abt the rsd if nothing else#but i really really dont want to make her feel bad abt it at all its genuinely not anyones fault. but its important to me that i say smth#just so we can avoid it happening again where possible bc it does really suck so bad. for everyone im sure but mostly me here#and i would like to be able to care abt ppl and have close friends without risking my entire mental (+ physical..) wellbeing 😭#i think if im still struggling w mood once my meds stabilise i might ask if there are options to help w that too#like i think ive gone as far as i can w therapeutic techniques rn. its just too overwhelmingly intense and reflexive for me to apply that#and i dont feel like i live my life around it or in fear of it anymore like generally i have been a lot better#but when im vulnerable and it DOES strike i have no defense against it whatsoever and it can tank everything for weeks#its just high stakes. and it'll help to make sure ppl know abt it and might be able to support etc but it would be nice to never worry abt#so worth trying meds for it maybe. i just dont rly wanna have the conversations w medical ppl in order to get it in the first place#like i wouldnt feel safe telling a doctor abt it bc the idea of someone with that authority having power over me is terrifying#ah well this isnt a problem for right now. plus stimulants might help me w it anyway once im finished titrating so we'll see#got so distracted typing this i forgot what i was gonna do.... i need to check my planner#and then ill probably read and go to sleep early i think zzzzz#ahhh.. and the birds are singing outside now the rain has stopped :-)#.diaries
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#ok going to be brave for both of us today and go to the local festival even if it won't have anything we're super excited about!!#the one single road to get out of this town to be able to go to worked is entirely blocked by the festival anyway so might as well make the#best of it and try going again!! we've been to it before it's so so but they might have cheap shave ice there!#my post
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high anxiety
I used to get so anxious in middle school about algebra tests that I would go to the bathroom before class and throw up. I remember laying in my bed on Sunday nights, unable to sleep because of the fear of school in the morning, and I would tell myself "I just need to get through algebra and I won't feel like this anymore".
in college, the tests and homework were both a lot more difficult than high school. for the first time, I failed a test. and not just failed - I got a 37%. and not just one test. and the panic crept back up, like violin strings tightening in my gut, and every semester, every midterm, and every finals week would find me clutching a liter of Diet Coke, unable to keep solid food down, crying into my study notes at 3 AM. "I just need to graduate and I won't feel like this anymore".
after Covid lock downs lifted, I decided to do something crazy. I would blow through all my savings and backpack around New Zealand for a year. I got down there, stayed in hostels, met new friends. I started looking for work, but this feeling kept choking me at the strangest times. I would walk around these beautiful cities for 10 or 12 hours a day, until my feet bled, until my legs shook, headphones blaring the same three albums, trying to exercise away this feeling like I needed to scream, like something was chasing me. "I just need to remember I'm on this amazing adventure and I won't feel like this anymore".
I'm 30. I woke up this morning and texted my job that I won't be able to make it in, but I couldn't explain why. I dragged myself to the couch and scrolled on my phone without being able to stop. I couldn't eat. I was thirsty and I needed to pee, but I couldn't do either. I got a migraine from looking at screens but I was afraid to look away. I might need to cry but I don't remember how. when the light dies and the room is dark, I crawl back to bed and lie in the fetal position, clutching my stomach. I wonder if I'm dying. I'm so riddled with guilt and disgust for myself I'm not sure I'd care if I was. I just need to get through life and I won't feel like this anymore.
I don't even know where it comes these days. maybe I never knew. there's no test, no grade, no immediate threat. anxiety isn't a response for me - it's a pattern I slip into. a spiral I walk, tighter and tighter, until I collapse in on myself. I never remember how to get out in time.
and I'm so tired. and I can't sleep.
#anxiety#mental illness#mental health#this is probably also the#adhd#or at least an#unhealthy coping mechanism#I'm sure I shouldn't share this#and I'm sure I'll never want to read it again#but oh well#I'm feeling daring today#might even try to brush my teeth in a few hours#if I can find a way to make sure I won't see myself in the mirror#so brave#text post#text
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I'm so emotional about how Niko reacted to Charles forbidding them to come with him to hell
Because like... well, Crystal goes and actively seeks out her asshole ex who she only just got out of her head. Which says so much about how kind and caring and brave she is at heart and I love her for it but it doesn't ultimately end up being all that helpful to the situation at hand.
But Niko... it seems like Niko just passively accepts it. She knows she can't help with literal actual hell so she just stays behind and waits. And no one questions that. Everyone has always respected her ability to tap out of the scary adventures and that's lovely and if that was it that would be perfectly fine storytelling.
But it gets better. When Edwin and Charles return, we realize that she hasn't just been sitting and waiting. She realized that she couldn't help with Hell, so she looked ahead to what the next obstacle would be for her friends, and she looked at the Night Nurse and she realized there was a way she could help. So she sat with this woman who wanted to take away her friends and she played the fool and asked questions and convinced the night nurse to let her see the rules and regulations just to stop her chattering - knowing that if she could just find a loophole, she could buy them some time. So she dove into this book of regulations, and she found a loophole. She probably found a few, just in case the first didn't work.
And no one - not even the audience - realizes what she's done until it's done. It's brilliant and she makes it look easy. It's something only she can do, and it works with Charles' plan, even if he isn't trying to work with her.
Edwin might be book smart but Niko is the one who is willing to ask questions and listen to the answers. And the information she finds this way is always so critical.
I love her so much.
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i will say i have come a long way since i was a kid with sensory issues regarding food, like i used to refuse to even try things (didn't help that i have a few memories of being forced to eat a portion of food in order to "earn" dessert...)
but nowadays i'm starting to open up to actually trying things, the only downside to this is there's been a few foods where i liked the taste but i hated the texture :0( (i'm looking at you, lasagna) otherwise it's not been so bad or scary. proud of myself :0)
#going to a state fair tomorrow and being a brave boy about the weird fair food i'm going to try fhfhfh#circus jangling#food mention#well the other downside is i feel bad when i don't finish a food because the texture makes me nauseous. i don't like to be wasteful#especially not with food that is being offered to/cooked specifically for me. but if i finish this i might actually be ill 😵💫#emeto mention#in tags
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