#memory is bad again right now | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dipshit-does-crimes · 4 months ago

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wow it’s crazy how fine everything is! wow wow definitely am a real person or something definitely not just a thing wearing a skin suit or a hallucination

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bixels · 7 months ago

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I'm not getting into The Giving Tree discourse...

#personal #delete later #idk i just saw a post of the “alternate ending” comic on my dash and everyone praising it as an improvement and “fixing” the original #which i kinda resent #while tulli and i was taking my nephew to a book store we walked around the kids section and found the giving tree and we read through it #and i was so stricken by how profoundly sad it is. it's not a happy story #in the end both versions tell the exact same lesson. but one flat out tells you and the other makes you sit with a pit in your stomach #and work to find the answer #i dunno it's kids literature but kids literature is important. i don't wanna discredit anyone's bad memories with the book but also i think #sometimes it's ok to make kids a bit sad and upset with fiction.#tweet that goes “what if romeo and juliet didn't kill themselves and explained to the audience that family feuds are bad”#idk you can't seriously read the original book as an adult and say it's glorifying self-martyrdom #when the final drawing of the book is of an old tired man sitting on arotting stump with his hat fallen to the ground #again i don't wanna invalidate people's feelings if they enjoy the alt version i think it's really nice too. but the original has its #purpose too. imagine if at the end of the lorax they show that the boy did it and replanted the world happy ending #wait they did that in the movie shit #i dunno i just love somber children's literature. tulli and i are talking about moomin right now and how the series ends with the moomin #family just leaving. and nobody gets to say goodbye to them. their friends have to find ways to live with the emptiness they've left behin

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luck-of-the-drawings · 2 years ago

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oh the dread, oh the worry! you love your sister so much and you need to know shes okay. you trust her but you cant trust the world, and more than anything else you cant trust yourself

#jrwi riptide #jrwi fanart #jrwi riptide spoilers #jrwi show #gillion tidestrider #edyn tidestrider #RAHHH IVE HAD THIS ROTTIN IN DRAFTS FOR A BIT but im finally here n ready to POST!!!!#SO THE LIL GILLION AND EDYN ARC HUH??#gillion as a character makes me so emotional. he means so well yet sucks so bad in every way he wish he didnt #HE CARES SOO MUCH ABOUT HIS SISTER. MAN HAS NEVER CRIED EXCEPT FOR THE DAY HE SAW HER AGAIN #HE WAS SOOO HAPPY TO SEE HER AND FIND OUT SHES OKAY. I ALSO REMEMBER SCREAAAAMIN WHEN SHE FIRST APPEARED #I HAD BEEN THINKIN ABOUT EDYN FOR SO LONG... ohhh older sisters where u at... u understand... only us older sisters get it #andNOW WHERE IS SHE..? WHERE IS SHE NOW.... working with the navy to 'undo' what the undersea has done to her precious baby brother #OKAY ENOUGH EMOTIONS TIME FOR ME TO TALK ABT MY ART #REAAALLY THIS IS ONE OF MY BEST DOODLE PAGES SO FAR. IM SO PROUDA THE COLORS N THE SCENES AND THE EMOTIONS #the lil scene with edyn comforting gillion after 'a day of alot of failure. that was the first we ever saw of edyn right? i love my colors #A MIRROR! edyn painted in red when shes often blue. framed by rock and coral and memory sharing bracelets and fire.#A MEMORY! a recent event! finding her at the bar and meeting her at a tavern. its cathartic to hear your older sister tell you its okay #even more cathartic to have her remind you that you are not your tragedies. you were just a kid. you didnt deserve what happened.#you really missed having her here #OH BUT THE NEXT. A NOTE LEFT BEHIND. NOTHING ELSE. i love you a million gillion #BUT THATS NOT A REASSURANCE IS IT? its a trust fall. emphasis on the fall. emphasis on the needle in your chest as wind rushes past #you anticipate the ground but you wish you could anticipate her arms. you wish you could trust. you need to trust. so why cant you?#instead you lash out. again. just like last time. just like always. you were never good at controlling your emotions #all you do in the end is break stuff. none of them can trust you. thats why she cant tell you. thats why he didnt tell you. noone trusts yo #chips got way too many damn belts btw. put some o those back boy u do NOT need all that mess jingling around ur gay hips. you FRUIT!!!!!!!!#I liked the scene with jay n chip dragging gillion around. its a comical scene ofc and i LOVE that balance here. but that sadness remains.#they care about gillion so much..... auuwuuuu.....#OKAY FINAL THOUGHTS. I RLY LIKE DRAWING DIFFERENT TEARS FOR DIFFERENT TYPES OF CRYING #when the tears well up so big from uncontainable joy that you cant even see

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inseparabiles · 16 days ago

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google search history:

how do you tell if it's fibromyalgia again, can you die of muscle pain, ms, als, heart attack in women, trapezius pain, why can't I lift my arms, how long does a fibro flare last, how do I stop hurting everywhere, things that aren't drugs that clear your brain fog, what to do when your hands hurt, joint pain that isn't arthritis, ginger health benefits, ginger inflammation, what to do when painkillers don't work, how to sue god

#fuck you up disease (fibromyalgia)#I think the worst part about fibro is that there's very little non-clinical info #readily available #not many people talk about it and if they do it's with like a suicide disclaimer #so what we have is this really bare bones medical nonsense we get from google #that makes it sound like fibro is just feeling a little tired and achy sometimes #and on the other end of the spectrum the hellscapes of personal anecdotes #from people who have 10 000 chronic diseases and pain so bad they take morphine #and you're there like. which one is it. clearly what we have is not fibro since #it's neither nothing (I can't get out of bed) nor unbearable kill me perpetually hospitalised levels of suffering #like. do I want morphine? yes #do I absolutely need morphine right now? probably not honestly.#I'm not suicidal I just want to not be afraid of making food #in case getting up and moving will have us in so much pain again that we get in our head about it #like no we're not dying. people don't just randomly get stage 4 cancer after going out in cold weather.#that's not how terminal illness works #but with the brain fog we have no inner comms and with no inner comms we have no memory #and with severe amnesia life is only what life is now and nothing else exists #there is only this moment and this moment #this moment lads #it hurts so fucking bad #shoutout to all the comments recently who've been like wow you write Caracalla's POV so believably #friend it's because chronic pain is chronic pain and when your brain does not fucking work the world gets weird #but weirdly it's like. that makes this almost feel like there's a point to hurting like this.#like I may be going through the school of suffering day in and day out right now but #just as a reminder - it makes it easier to understand others who do.#being the punching bag of the sad and infernal gods keeps us humble in this house #and allows us to write VERY WEIRD FICTION

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quarks-pussy · 1 year ago

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So I know we here at Startrekfandom love that "came back wrong but from the pov of the wrong" thing and apply it to many different characters and canon situations and I am far from trying to complain about it (I'm "came out wrong" trope myself so I was always gonna obsess over it) but having recently watched a very important episode (you'll know which one) for the first time I think there's a character who hits both tropes mentioned but llike, intertwined, opposite and subverted, and whom I wanna talk about.

Julian Bashir.

From his parents' pov he's "came out wrong but we got him help and he came back better" while from his own pov it's "came out 'insufficient', was destroyed for it, came back wrong and only later slowly came to terms with his new self tho never the process (justifiably so)" and it's heartbreaking because in a way, he's right! Jules Bashir died! His parents had an intellectually disabled child and decided to eugenics him! Julian is not the person he used to be and while I do love the person he is now, that doesn't bring back who he was! Part of me wishes we could've gotten to see Jules at least once and part of me hopes we never do because my heart would shatter.

This isn't a good comparison but nonetheless one I can't help drawing: it's giving similar vibes to anti-vaxxers. "I'd rather risk having a child who is dead than one who's autistic". Obviously this doesn't map over since Julian is still autistic and the procedure his parents subjected him to specifically targeted his intellectual disability and if any folks with id wanna comment on this I definitely recommend you listen to them over me, but it's a similarity I, as an autistic who has encountered anti-vaxxers again and again, can't help but point out. "Give me a normal child or give them death."

This may have been written about already but there needs to be stories about teenage Julian (after finding out and rediscovering who he was) practicing some good ol' recognition of the self through media. I need to hear about how he would encounter a story about someone who came back wrong (I'm gonna assume there's plenty of "wrong" pov stories floating around by the 24th century) and absolutely weep. I need to see Julian mourning Jules, taking years and years to process his feelings, experiencing guilt about how he, the imposter, didn't deserve to live Jules' life.

Came back wrong from the returned's pov but it wasn't an accident. It was done to you deliberately by the people who claim to love you. And now you are here, piloting the corpse of your predecessor.

Jules Bashir is dead. Long live Julian Bashir.

#i've called julian jules before simply as a normal nickname but i don't think i ever will again. not after this #and knowing that if it had been possible i would have probably gone the way jules did. knowing that at his age i would have gone willingly.#fuck dude i am literally actually crying literal tears irl right now this is not a joke #fuck!!!!!#julian bashir #jules bashir #doctor bashir i presume #came back wrong #star trek deep space nine #HE WAS SIX YEARS OLD!! HE WAS SIX YEARS OLD AND THEY KILLED HIM!!!!#i cannot stop crying i am literally crying and like not even just a little #i cannot... poor julian how the FUCK do you ever come to terms with something like that #and like... julian remembers. he has most if not all of jules' memories and also knows he was murdered simply for not being julian #like how did he cope #(im about to go off on a tangent that will contain censored names for the sake of not clogging those tags if you dont know who i mean hmu)#like this is literally the thing that fucked up j*ran so bad he went on a murder spree isn't it #he remembers the one who came before who was killed. very different circumstances of course esp since tr*ll are expected to replace one ano #another but he remembers this person he remembers BEING this person who was young and simply enjoying life and who died a sudden death and #he remembers the experience of that death as well and how it lead to his own creation. it's not remotely similar ofc but considering that #the only time we see t*rias in alpha canon is in julian's body... i need to lie down for a moment.#and jor*n couldn't cope! he couldn't! it was far too much and the weird thing is right now in this moment i GET it y'know?? like that's #so horrific. and i haven't watched any jo*an episode besides facets yet but do you think. do you think j*dzia told julian about all this an #he nodded along and kept composure and then when he was alone he broke down crying? like julian you're doing SO well ily you're coping and #you shouldn't have to obviously but you do nonetheless!! do you think julian still has something from jules? like i've heard there's a tedd #but i mean jules prolly didn't keep a diary he was a six year old with an intellectual disability it's pretty unlikely he could write but #does julian have drawings made by jules? i'd like to think so but honestly his parents probably threw them out. like they also moved so #sorry i'm just. many thoughts head full. ive stopped crying now but who knows for how long. also i'll have to tag this with my original tag #maybe i should've picked something less silly for when i make serious posts but like what am i gonna change my url as well? don't think so #original posts fresh from quark's pussy #and thats the tag limit folks it's been fun. i had to delete two other tags but my god. anyway. thinking about jules bashir forever & cryin

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wolfsong-the-bloody-beast · 17 days ago

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Some people in this fandom claim that they want complex characters, but they can't even handle Bellara.

"Why does Bellara, a Dalish elf, feel guilty over what her ancestors did?"

Like, do you understand that she says something like that in that one dialogue cutscene because she is falling apart under absolutely unimaginable circumstances, and people feel and say irrational things when they're in a crisis? Do you understand that sometimes people need to work through complicated emotions that aren't actually facts? Have you never experienced self-loathing thoughts based on where you live or where you come from?

#I keep seeing this one over and over and it's driving me crazy #maybe the devs should have utilized the notifications more - add explanations to all dialogue cutscenes explaining that #''hey this is not what we actually think but this character is going through some difficult shit right now''#then again last I've seen this take recently it was in the same post #that also says that you're automatically privileged in Tevinter just because you're born a mage #so they think Neve (?????) is also privileged and it is never addressed and that is bad etc.#like no shade (or maybe a little shade) but I really think some should go and replay the older games to refresh their memory #instead of just talking about the games and about how they remember them fondly #like #Dorian has a whole conversation in Inquisition #dedicated to explaining how you can be a mage and a slave or second class citizen because bloodlines and houses are everything in Tevinter #but I digress #fandom wank #fandom critical #I'm not saying sorry any more #I've been feeling like shit physically and mentally for weeks now (it's getting better I think)#and so maybe I'm a little irrational and emotional too #I've decided to be insufferable as a treat

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scoliosispunk · 2 months ago

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so i saw. sonic 3 last night.

agent stone. agent stone i am so sorry

(full thoughts in the tags. i am so insane im crazy hey fanfiction writers fix this right now please.)

#sonic 3 #sonic movie 3 #sonic movie 3 spoilers #sonic the hedgehog 3 #bro...#idek what to say #agent stone in this movie...#like oh mmy god #this had better be leading up to him being the big bad in the next movie #(and of course it is bc robotnik can't have made metal sonic)#but i just...#they put this man thru so much this movie #THE NARRATIVE WAS JUST SO CRUEL TO HIM WHAT.#“i can't lose you again” said in the most broken tone ever #proceeds to lose him again a mere 20 mins later #im crazy im crazy im crazy #also. the way. stobotnik was like. a genuine important part of the plot here the way they actually took stone seriously for once and the wa #the way his love for robotnik was genuinely like an important part of the. im dying im dead #every time the camera cut back to him during the last part of the movie i was like AAGAHHGSHGDHGAGHHGSGHKGVFKEVKG WHATTHEFUCK #anyways im very ready for him to. go crazy next film #and pick up where robotnik left off and cause chaos and build shit to honor his memory or whatever #bc where the fuck else could metal sonic come from.#main villain stone time. im so ready #he deserves it #(im coping so hard right now)#i need to see this movie again. im buying more tickets as we speak.#im crazy im insane #last thing #stone and shadow's interactions however brief were so.#i love them both

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tangledinink · 2 years ago

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oouggh swanatello has been consuming my brain and its your fault,, /pos

actual question tho, have swanatello's bros tried explaining to him that they're his brothers? and if so, howd he react?

If Swanatello doesn't recognize them when they come to visit him, and they don't obey his commands to leave and try to convince him of their identities... in a best-case scenario, he will ignore them entirely and drive them off regardless. More commonly, he will grow confused and upset by their arguments. (Because now part of his brain is screaming at him that he DOES know them-- and the other part is screaming at him that he DOESN'T, and he doesn't know who to listen to.) They are now, to him, not only dangerous threats that must be driven away, but also actively causing him harm and distress, and he will only grow more aggressive and violent as a result. These scenarios have resulted in some of the worst injuries for his siblings.

#swanatello #asks #anon #this is why its better for them to walk away if he doesnt recognize them theyve realized #they can also TELL that its upsetting and distressing for him #and itll usually be longer before hes able to settle enough to recognize them again #memory loss #violence #also hehehehe thank you <3 sorry abt ur brain tho #the difference in his behavior when he has even some thread of recognition VS when he views them as intruders is PRETTY stark #so its usually fairly easy to tell if its a 'good' day or a 'bad' day right off the bat #sometimes he doesnt know who they are or that theyre his brothers #but he recognizes them as vaguely familiar and therefore not a threat #in which case their identity can usually be (gently #carefully #slowly) explained to him #especially now that he has his notes and research to reference with them. that helps a lot.

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katyspersonal · 3 months ago

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Every grudge that wasn't resolved is hurting at once like scars reacting to a bad weather no matter how much I try to just get distracted with irl activities or something positive, and I don't have anyone to talk about it because people I trust with it are only available when I need to sleep or am at work. I wonder how much longer I can hold it inside before I erupt like a volcano and severity of my negativity leaves everyone within reach with permanent fear of approaching me with ten yards distance 🤔

#/vent #personal #hopefully one of two things prevents this either:#1) a more 'serious' problem forces me to swim out from the depts of my depression and struggle or #2) I find someone to talk to in the RIGHT moment #curse of bad timezone and literally every irl friend changing cities if not countries #I am all alone...#not knowing how to make it stop #I have strong negative breakdowns only once in a while #I wish I could vent more 'harmonically' or forgive people even if they haven't payed or apologized #instead of the 'volcano' thing #well if it really gets bad I'll get into urgent hiatus again #I also hate how because of personality fracture it is another alter that absorbs every positive-#-stimul like a parasite right now #usually I sprout and lose alters like malenia but some stick around for a bit #maybe Im also about to fall out I don't know #right now it is just too much gravity to get out of my own head no matter what I do #all I can think about is my million bad memories until it just stops already

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faaun · 11 months ago

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idk how to live so im going to talk to myself out loud until i do

#listen. take a deep breath. i know your bpm is high but you need to think with me for a second.#remember that you are paper thin. all your facets are sheets of paper and what you gave her is just another one.#make a new one. you dont need it. you dont need her to see you. i know you think you need her but you will be okay. i know its hard.#you wish you could have shown her how you loved her. listen to yourself. you are made of paper.#she might be concrete or maybe wood or maybe gold. you need to start laying your roots elsewhere. shut that thought down #and blink and listen. the parts you keep thinking of arent lost. they still happened and they are yours to keep.#there is beauty in this loss. tell me about the beauty in this loss. its okay to think about it. you got to see it all and nothing more #and this is great because it would have been bad. you know it would be violent in a way you dont need. you know this to be true.#you are going to look at that empty space in her shape and youre going to fill it with everything that happened when you knew her.#the memories with her but then also the the way your friends talked you through it. the game with the clovers.#your first allergic reaction you almost died and you couldnt stop laughing and you were held so close to their hearts.#learning the names for all the floursecent gene tracking dyes that everyone else knows already. about the exam - listen again.#i know you think if you fail your life is over but you need to try your best. youre not going to get a good grade in a uni test for the fir #youre going to make up for it. youre going to make sure you make up for it. do you understand? i love you. you have to do this.#right now you need to sit up. breathe. i know your heart hurts. go to the living room. grab something to eat. i dont care if you feel full.#youre going to clean your mattress heater. youre going to study a bit longer and then youre going to sleep. youre going to tell your mother #im sorry and i might genuinely fail a test. shes going to tell you its okay. if you do badly in this course you can just become a neurosurg #just agree. dont argue right now. its okay. youre okay. you are paper thin. i know any puncture hurts.#breathe. think of your friends. think of their hands in yours. it isnt eternal.youve lived through worse. the empty sky is still beautiful.#the lack of her is still beautiful

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meownotgood · 2 years ago

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cannot believe it's been a whole year since this trailer changed the trajectory of my life forever

#these screenshots defined me #and they still do #how has it... been a whole year since that trailer....#soon it'll be a whole year since chainsaw man...#what's going on... time is an illusion... it felt like yesterday...#I really saw him a whole year ago?#this is bad... this makes me miss aki even more now #crying right now #I have such vivid memories of staying up late cause I couldn't sleep cause I was so excited #and then the screencap on the left got leaked early and I #I never lost my mind so fast in my life I had to go roll around on the floor for a while to find it again #my husband is so beautiful!!!#uuugg I can't wait to see him again cause... I'll feel that excited feeling again #just thinking about it makes me giddy lol #stammering on about aki I'm very ill today #aki <3

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softdreamlesssleep · 6 months ago

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God, "I missed you" sex is the best

#eep.txt #as soon as we were alone he kissed me hard and just couldn't get close enough #we went to his room and he immediately attacked my neck i don't think i've ever had so many hickeys at once #he kept grinding for so long against me on his lap 😵‍💫 i was very desperate for more but he just wanted so feel my skin against his #he was sososo cute with his messy hair and the way he kept saying i love you!#i could see myself in the mirror in front of his bed i didn't think i was this fucked out lmao #maybe the first time i moaned this loud and talked this much too #usually i have to keep quiet even though it's hard cuz there's other people but it was so nice having him aaalll to myself #when he finally put his fingers in it felt like heaven i'd been so long #and same he just kept going so deep and so fast my god he said he liked hearing me again #i had to stop him cause i was getting really overstimulated but it was so good #i'm pretty sure it's the first time i've actually like moaned his name without meaning to do it #apparently i didn't realise i was babbling and scratching his back so hard #god i love being a power bottom and calling him cute or my sweet boy and getting him desperate but...#when he goes feral like that after not seeing me for a while? it's the best. i'm so lucky to have such a service top #so happy to be with him again #after we cuddled and we showered and we cooked and then watched videos and then talked and laughed #i'm so happy right now to even see him sleeping next to me :]#sorry i meant to do a sexy post but i guess this is more positive venting i'll make a proper one later #still new to this writing thing i'm probably very bad at it but it's nice to have a place to write down my memories and experiences

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chiropteracupola · 2 years ago

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a little pain now, to save a great deal more pain later

[flintlock fortress is a collaboration with @dxppercxdxver]

#em draws stuff #flintlock fortress #team fortress 2 #blood #today on the em cupola show: wild self-indulgence. but hey I feel Bad so I'll draw what I Like. and today that's medical procedures.#someone leaned over my shoulder while I was drawing this and asked 'is that bloodletting' and they were Almost Right so I'm endlessly proud #in fact it is smallpox inoculation!#sorry to everyone who I have bothered with my Smallpox Talk in recent memory but It Will Happen Again.#the game style itself is kind of rockwell and leyendecker-y to me so I wanted to do something with a similar look to their work #had a lot of goals for this piece and I think I really did achieve all of them quite nicely #could I keep these guys recognizable without showing their full faces? yes I think so!#could I make 'getting a mild case of smallpox with the lads' seem a bit romantic even? yes to that too.#also. scout tattoos make an appearance. (do not go looking for them in any other art of him on account of I Forgor)#and a new look for ansel (this man dresses Boring but that is no fun for me to draw)#'backstory relevant' I say as I do not discuss any of these guys' backstories again.#'that's for us to know and for you to find out' I say while giving you no way at all to find out #have been in a constant state of 'by gosh having a little less blood in me would make this situation better' for several days now #and while I am using Normal methods to improve the situation drawing such things does work a bit to heal the mind #'we're doing just fine' says local guy who is madly drawing the same guys over and over again

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sunshades · 1 year ago

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One thing about canto VI is like. I see so many people predicting it'll be about Fighting Evil Wife or Breaking Codependent Toxic Relationship and I just kinda think that would suck? If the major theme isn't grief AND love and the way both are seen as like Kinda Weird/inappropriate in the setting of the city. Then I'll be very sad.

#bell.txt #not putting it in the tag i dont wanna spam but yes limbus posting yes girls will be thinking about mortal regret #LIKE. LIKE. remember the discourse on twt about how like it was bad writing that yi sang didnt mourn dongbaek etc #and like that was the thing right. thsts not a thing you do in the city. that was part of why roland (who takes lots after wh's themes)#was so exceptional. that is the whole thing about the sickness of the city #to say it in comedia literary criticism terms: sins are split between wrongly-directed love and excess of love with sloth (lack of love)#being an outlier. i think heatho and generally og wh is about excess of love and not wrongly-directed love. it is the thing that lasts #all the way to the other side. it is the shared coffin and meeting again in the next life #i think itd be AWFULLY disappointing to get some boring boring 'they make each other worse' take. being APART due to societal pressures #makes them worse and horribly lonely. death makes them worse baby. so in my mind thats it #we get to see cathy die or still be unreachable in some way and then in very roland style we get furioso mode #and then the ending is about recognizing the love that has in fact been there all along and carrying it with u. and hoping to reunite some #where some other time. NO more slander of that awful girl. YES to the comfort of the memories.#me typing over my foscolo notes like i can surely post about heathcliff really fast and not write a novel in the tags (unaware)#i have more thoughts about this in regards to ruina with xiao and some stuff from leviathan but in the meantime. listen to my ramblings boy #ALSO. considering that implication. he feels for her what queequeg feels for ishy. ARGHH. RIPPING MY HAIR OFF #ok actually its been enough hours to not spam ppl I'll tag it now for blog org. i should maybe have a tag for posting specifically #limbus company

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vellichorom · 9 months ago

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are you living laughing and loving

god am i ever

#anonymous #inbox #YOU KNOW. it could always be worse you know?#prayers & good wishes for all those GOING through the worst #sending my utmost love. just keep on going #time is Constantly ticking & what may be the worst time of your life right now may change #not even a couple years from now i bet you're going to be thinking of this time as just a bad memory #& then someday later maybe you'll forget about it so that it may never plague you again #i hope so

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sinnettini · 28 days ago

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successfully worried my mum as well despite trying not to. lmao. lmfao even

#day keeps getting worse somehow #someone make it fast forward a few hours so i can just sleep #how do you convince your mum you're not going to attempt suicide again when you've promised that before and broke the promise #asking for myself bc i really am not going to attempt suicide but i AM doing badly and she can tell and i accidentally worried her even mor #and i understand why she'd be worried. like knowing myself and how i let myself suffer by myself hiding it from her #i get it. i'd be worried too. but like what can i do to convince her even if things are bad i'm not going to do anything like that #and i'll see her soon and i have a bandaid on my hand which won't help bc if she asks even if i lie to her i won't be able to do it #convincingly bc i'm a good liar but not that good when i know she's already on alert #you know maybe if i hadn't attempted suicide a number of times you can't count on only one one it would be easier to be like don't worry #and be convincing #my mum knows “that voice” i get when i'm extremely down actually even at work people immediately noticed #which on one hand like... i don't take for granted that people care about me this much. it is a good thing #on the other it's fucking hard to deal with the worry from others when they can't do anything to help you and you don't know what to tell #them beside don't worry which is the stupidest thing to say to someone who can tell you're not okay #like i would worry! and i would be right to. but. but idk. family doesn't usually help in these times #i'm sorry to say that bc i love my family but sadly it's the truth. being in my old bed just conjures up more bad memories and shit and the #i not only feel bad but feel like i'm somehow in some way 17 again. it's awful #so being alone isn't good but being here isn't either so what the fuck do i do. i don't feel okay anywhere. i don't feel safe anywhere #oh my god i'm sorry i'm being soooooooooo fucking depressing #you can hate really i'm like always so negative lol sorry #i'll shut up now bc i'm close to crying and my mum will be here soon and if she sees me crying no way she's letting me go #suicide tw #sorry was forgetting the tw

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