#me: [ has to closely consider aspects of my real life ]

[wonysugar]

self indulgent drabble because 1. writer’s block is truly eating my ass and 2. i just got struck with an idea as i heard an audio and i need to get it out of my system before i lose my motivation.. AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO DO THAT THAN WITH BELLEEE?!?

cw!! cheating(??) just to be safe, fem!reader is dating someone that’s amab! mentions of threesomes, lots, lots of dick mentions and dick sucking, if you don’t like dick at all this isn’t for you i’m really sorry</3

psst, by the way, p/n stands for partner name!

you and your partner have an amazing relationship, and an even better sex life, that much was obvious. although you both were content, you couldn’t help but feel the desire to improve your technique in certain.. aspects, of your love-making, mainly in terms of oral sex.

google was definitely not helping, and you were a bit too embarrassed to go and ask your significant other on feedback after having sex with them (despite how normal that actually is, contrary to popular belief.)

so, naturally, receiving your friend annabelle in your apartment a few days after having scheduled a, in her wise words, ‘important meeting’ wasn’t at all a surprise for you, especially since you made sure that p/n wasn’t at home at that time.

“hii!” belle stepped foot into your home as soon as you opened the door, immediately giving you a warm hug, thankful you even called her in here in the first place.

after politely offering her a cup of water and a bowl of snacks as thanks, she quickly got to work.

“alright, you were too nervous to explain it through text, so go ahead. what are the specifics here?” she asked, comically very serious about this whole thing.

you sighed, feeling the embarrassment leaving with each breath you exhaled, “it’s just— i think i have a problem when it comes to… you know.. my gag reflex, and all.”

“ah, i see..” she hummed, “‘problem’ is definitely a strong word though, no? oral sex isn’t a requirement, you know that better than anyone else, considering you’ve been with your partner for a while with no issues. i’m assuming you just want to learn to get them more riled up, huh?”

you stared, almost innocently, then nodded at the words.

“have you ever sucked dick before?” she continued, speaking as if this were a real professional appointment.

she chuckled upon seeing you reluctantly shake your head, “don’t worry sweetheart, by the time that we’re done, you’ll be able to take cock better than any porn star has.”

reaching for her large, seemingly filled-up backpack you had noticed her holding whilst walking in before digging into it. after a few seconds of anticipation, you saw your friend pull out a medium sized dildo, a slightly longer one and a much larger and more girthy than the previous ones.

“y-you brought stuff!?”

noticing how your blood rushed to your now fully covered face, she giggled, “of course i brought stuff y/n, i don’t think you realize how serious i’m actually taking this.” proceeding to pull out one more interesting looking item, “come on, you asked me for help, right? no need to get embarrassed now, girl.”

so you listened, and watched as she finished up preparing the materials, placing them in a line.

“alright, listen up.” she zipped the bag closed, threw it somewhere on the couch you two were sat on and sat up straight, motioning for you to do the same, and pointed to the first thing, “this is throat relaxant spray, like the name suggests, it relaxes your throat and your gag reflex, making it easier. now, i don’t really use it considering my gag reflex is practically non-existent,” you nodded at her words, your eyes fixed on said spray.

“but i did bring it thinking you’d maybe wanna start off slow just to be safe? maybe get used to the feeling of it in your mouth before going in raw and everything, but it’s honestly all up to you and what you wanna do.”

several minutes of her overexplaining the reasoning behind bringing each sanitized and differently sized dildo later, you eventually chose the format you found most similar to your partner’s and decided to opt out of the relaxant spray, much to annabelle’s pleasant surprise.

it didn’t take long before she stuck the phallic object to your wall and instructed you to suck on it the same way you would any other day. “don’t be nervous, i’m here to help.” she said, and that was somehow enough to put you at ease.

you began to do what you were told, fully aware that her attention was set on you, and you only. your lips wrapped around the head, you sucked and left gentle kisses whilst she watched you work your magic on the dildo. you heard occasional hums from beside you as you kept your mouth around the same area of the dick.

“you’re doing good, but, aren’t you spending a little bit too much time on the head?” she placed, making you pull away from the object before you, “i know you’ll gag, but try to give some attention to the entirety of the dick. here, let me show you.”

she scooted towards you, and you simply stared at her, “oh— we’re using the same.. dildo?”

“..yeah? it’s just a little spit.” her lips formed a smirk, “just watch me, okay?”

you nodded and sat there, watching her demonstrate her blowjob technique and feeling yourself get… weirdly turned on by the sight, instead of feeling ‘taught’, in a sense. the way she slowly worked her way up from kissing and licking the head to fitting the entire shaft into her mouth, almost effortlessly, got you thinking about how she’d give your partner head, guiding you on how to pleasure them further than you usually do— alright let’s not get ridiculous, you internally scolded yourself, leave the dirty fantasies for later, when you aren’t trying to learn from her.

“see how i did that? you can’t just focus on the head forever, that’s why i like to slightly pump the shaft with my hand whenever i’m not throating.”

“honestly just sounds like you’re just trying to brag, at this point.” you joked, faking an annoyed expression. that earned a laugh from her.

then, after a constant cycle that consisted of her explaining things and you doing them, annabelle had taken the dildo off of the wall whilst wearing a mischievous expression on her face. “now, let’s kick things up a notch; get on your knees.”

your eyebrows furrowed and eyes widened ever so slightly at her words, you stuttered, “excuse… excuse me?—“

“i said, get on your knees.”

and despite getting no further explanations, you still, for some unknown reason, did exactly as you were told. now sitting on the ground facing the sofa, you waited for further instructions.

“you need to get immersed.” she paused, then held up the dildo, “so, i’ll hold it for you and thrust it into your mouth while you suck it, alright? i won’t go fast or anything, so don’t worry about that.”

and of course, you obliged.

upon her signal, you immediately applied everything that she’s been teaching you throughout this entire session onto your technique, fueled by her occasional praise.

“remember to use your tongue, y/n.” she reminded, thrusting the cock in and out of your mouth, slowly, watching you as if she could feel it.

“suck the tip and—“ you bobbed your head down onto the shaft, taking in as much length as you could without gagging. “—work your way down, that��s it baby, slowly.”

oh man, that pet name definitely elicited a reaction from you that you did not expect; you felt butterflies in your stomach, almost certain that a pool was growing in between your legs.

she definitely noticed it, too. how could she miss it when you’re looking up at her like she was the one you were sucking off?

“awe, you’re getting excited, aren’t you?” she bit her lip as she tucked your hair behind your ear, “such an eager girl, suck on it baby.”

she let out quiet, airy moans as you worked your magic, in hopes to get you more and more immersed, and while it did, it also did nothing but get you riled up to a great extent. hell, you were practically drooling onto her— the cock at that point. “look at you, not even a few hours in and you’re already doing so good. mmh, you look so pretty taking it, too.”

that went on for a while, and what she didn’t tell you was that that dildo in particular, was an ejaculating one, you found that out by yourself later on.

needless to say, you felt especially different when you eventually walked her out of your apartment an hour later, and she couldn’t help but notice how still visibly embarrassed you were from that weirdly intimate interaction, but she found it amusing, endearing, almost.

“next time, you’ll invite p/n to tag along, won’t you?”

[kazz-brekker]

hotd episode thoughts

listen, as someone who enjoys some good dragon drama, i feel fantastically well catered-to by this episode

the confrontation between rhaenyra and addam was fun, i liked that it's apparently kind of inspired by western face-offs but with dragons instead of guns

that conversation between larys and ironrod while they were watching aemond sentence men to the watch definitely implied to me that, unlike with his brother, the council is so wary of/intimidated by aemond they don't even want to talk to him about possibly important war developments. which does not bode well for team green's stability in the future, tbh

jace stop being mean about mysaria that's your mom's girlfriend you're talking about :(

i did find the conversation between rhaenyra and jace really interesting, i hadn't considered that the sowing of the seeds plan might bring out so much of his insecurities about being a bastard. he and rhaenyra have probably the most functional parent-child relationship in the show, but they really DON'T talk about this aspect of his life at all, and it really shows

oscar tully unexpected mvp of the episode perhaps? holding his own against that whole council of river lords…calling daemon loathsome…making him execute willem blackwood to atone for spurring on those war crimes…king shit!

i enjoyed getting to see viserys again, i've really missed his actor this season and seeing daemon's reaction to his ruined face was quite interesting

daemon you are SO close to realizing that you don't actually want to be king and would make a terrible ruler, i'm rooting for you to figure this out by the season finale

the scene with aegon and larys talking was probably my favorite from last week so i really liked that we got a follow-up on it. very impressed that aegon is capable of walking even the tiniest amount after what he's been through

rhaena running off into the mountains…she's getting that dragon by hook or by crook

ulf trying to get out of claiming a dragon by claiming he had an injury made me laugh

i like that hugh and ulf have totally different reactions to being possible dragonseeds, one boasting and the other hiding it

alicent was serving real ophelia by john william waterhouse vibes this episode

loved that the dragonkeepers had a huge fight with rhaenyra over the sowing of the seeds, they're in the background of so many dragon scenes but we've never gotten much perspective on what they think of dragons or the targaryen right to claim them before

i do admit to saying "wow, those are some toasty boys" out loud when vermithor was torching those poor dragonseeds

love love LOVE that we got to see both vermithor and silverwing this episode, they look so cool and i love their distinct designs

i have been waiting ALL SEASON for the payoff of hugh and ulf claiming those dragons and it was such an exciting sequence, you could really feel the adrenaline and the danger the whole time

ryan condal on the inside the episodes comparing the death of the dragonseeds to ritual sacrifice was also super fun symbolism

another daeron mention, hi daeron and tessarion :)

also house beesbury making problems for the hightowers, love to see it

after aemond has spent so much time this season intimidating and terrifying other people it WAS super fun to see him do a hard swerve into fear when he saw how many dragonriders rhaenyra has now

that final shot of rhaenyra standing on the dragonmount with syrax, vermithor, and silverwing behind her DID get to, i must say. it's house of the dragon! and we have the dragons!!!

okay yeah i am super hyped for the finale and whatever it may bring, seems like it's gonna be epic. the triarchy! the dragons! the riverlands! helaena in the war effort, apparently?! what fun!

[call-me-strega]

New chapter of HBSD for Jason is just like, hey you get your crush in your bed! But not in that way, actually it’s much worse whoops

I am curious though, what does Jason think happened in Danny/Ellie’s backstory? Because what he has to go off of is 1) Vlad is paying child support and low key Danny is worried about custody 2) Ellie and other attempts were created, but not how (and obv most people wouldn’t assume cloning) 3) Ellie was introduced to Danny LATER 4) Vlad is simultaneously creepy/involved in Ellie’s creation, but also still trying to date Danny’s mom

If I overheard that phone convo, I would be very concerned (obviously), but also trying to figure out how…how the hell any of them are related. Like, trans Danny with Ellie taken early and reintroduced later? Vlad is trans? Is Vlad even biologically involved because Danny never says so, just that he’s in some way responsible so-Vlad paid someone to be a surrogate at some point for some reason? I would have NO idea because none of those explanations would quite make sense from the phone convo unless I knew cloning was an option, you know?

Oh, I totally see how that'd be confusing. Let me explain my thought process when I wrote this.

You see after hearing that conversation, in the moment Jason assumes that something was happening along the lines of the trans theory. The pit rage did cloud his judgment a bit, so he focused more on the custody/separation aspects and wanting to protect these new people in his territory who have something akin to an age-old story he has heard before. Plus, later on during the 4th of July chapter Danny reveals more of his parents' relationship with Vlad and alludes to what happened between them, basically implying that they trusted Vlad near Danny, but he did something to Danny to get his genetic material. Which isn't untrue but somewhat misleading. Later when he has time to re-examine the info from both conversations he adjusts his theory.

Keeping in mind that this is the same universe where cloning is possible and genetic studies are likely more advanced in turn it wouldn't be a stretch to assume test tube babies are a Thing that Exist more commonly there than in the real world. Especially, if we use the version of the story where Damian was a test tube baby rather than Talia actually getting pregnant making it a possibility Jason would definitely be aware of.

Jason's leading theory right now was that some creepy old guy (Vlad) was obsessed with Danny's mom, and later Danny himself. And because his parents trusted Vlad they let him get close to Danny despite Danny recognizing Vlad was a creep. All of this is basically accurate, so here's where things diverge. Jason assumes Danny was assaulted (either physically or sexually) by Vlad, who took his genetic material by force. Then the creepy old rich guy used his money to try and create a test tube baby using their combined DNA. The first few attempts failed but when one finally took Danielle was the result. The creep then tried to raise her and poison her against her other genetic donor, to little success because she was such a small child. Danny became aware of what Vlad had done shortly after Danielle was born, but was too young and vulnerable to fight back and get custody. However, once he got older he finally gathered the resources to fight back and managed to get custody of his daughter. Danny has something he can use against Vlad to keep him in check, likely a scary lawyer or some sort of blackmail. Now he's trying to live a normal life with Ellie and makes sure Vlad compensates him with child support. All things considered not to far from the truth but missing some key context details.

With the type of shenanigans always going down the DC universe his theory really isn't that much of a stretch. In all honesty though, Jason tries not to spend too much time dwelling on it for a couple of reasons: 1) In his experience, people who go through similar things want to be left alone, lest something happen that could jeopardize their situation (hiding from an abuser). 2) Danny made it clear when he declined seeking protection from Red Hood that he had the situation handled and didn't want anyone getting involved, Jason's meddling wouldn't help anything. 3.) Jason wants Danny to trust him enough to tell him the whole story himself, and 4.) Jason is busy with other stuff like work, vigilante-ing, and falling in love to go unnecessarily digging around in a story that honestly isn't as unique as one might think.

Obviously, there might still be holes in my logic but that's basically what I believe Jason's view on the situation would be. I hope that sheds some light onto how I intended the situation to look like from the outside.

[chosetherose]

Two Graves One Gun

So Long London continues the saga of celebrity versus soul. The only way to cure Taylor’s sadness is for her to bid farewell to bearding, and perhaps the closet.

If you can look past the red herrings in this song, you will find a deeply layered masterpiece that illuminates Taylor's battle with herself; how past plans made to maintain her celebrity have marred her soul. She doesn't want to live life like this anymore and is willing to burn her brand down to the ground to free her soul.

As always, the analysis I've written here is only one interpretation of this song. I'm not claiming it is "correct" but I encourage you to plow through (this is a very long post) and consider what I've laid out.

For context, I believe London is a metaphor for bearding. Here is some background for the new folks:

For most of her career, Taylor’s beards have been from the UK. Specifically, from 2012-2023 her beards were Harry Styles then Calvin Harris then Tom Hiddleston then Joe Alwyn.

The beginning of this stage was right around the time she started crossing over into pop music. Red is her first real leap into pop music and to do this successfully she needs to expand both domestically (to pop audiences that don't listen to country music) and internationally (her first opportunity for this since the rest of the world doesn't listen to much country music).

She started bearding with Harry Styles in late 2012, within weeks of Red's release then milks that short lived stunt for 1989 as well. What a way to capture a new pop audience made up of fans abroad and at home. Rinse and repeat until her priority changes to long-term privacy and she finds that aided by an unknown actor named Toe. Even though Taylor's current beard is American, suffice to say one can look at London as a metaphor for bearding given history.

[Intro]

So (So) long (Long), London (London) [repeated]

Pay attention to how she sings this...She breaks "London" into "Lon" and "Don".

So SO / Long LONG / Lon LON / Don DON

This is a sneakily beautiful way to emphasize: So! Long! Don(e)! ...Like "I've been bearding for so long and I'm done with it" or "So long, bearding! I'm done!" Yes, this is a reach but read the rest of this post and circle back. As this intro closes the final "Don(e)!" fades into the upticked beat.

[Verse 1]

I saw in my mind fairy lights through the mist

I kept calm and carried the weight of the rift

Pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away

My spine split from carrying us up the hill

Wet through my clothes, weary bones caught the chill

I stopped trying to make him laugh, stopped trying to drill the safe

Taylor seeing fairy lights through the mist sounds like she sees daylight at the end of a tunnel opaque from lavender haze. She keeps focused on this goal, carrying on with all these beards over the years. Although she's able to appear calm during these stunts, living life like this has forged a rift within herself. She beards because it's advantageous for her brand but her soul despises the ruse.

Side note: “Keep Calm and Carry On was a motivational poster produced by the Government of the United Kingdom in 1939 in preparation for World War II.” -Wikipedia. A bit of history that I think furthers the idea that Taylor was battling to keep going.

Tayor has to balance these aspects of herself continually - Too much stunting? Her soul needs a break. Had a good break from stunting? She needs to feed the grocery line Swifties to keep them at bay. It's an idea that got me thinking about yin and yang, "an opposite but interconnected, self-perpetuating cycle." (Wiki). I am not an expert on this concept but I know I've noticed it has come up throughout conversations about TTPD. If yin and yang is relevant for this album, as I believe it is in multiple songs, in the context of this verse it feels related to Taylor's constant need to find balance between the celebrity version of herself we see on our screens and the true version of herself only she can see in the mirror.

This cycle wears on Taylor so much that her spine splits from the weight. She has been slogging through stunts, dreaming of freedom, for years. It's been storming so long her clothes are soaked and she feels the chill down in her bones.

Because of the pain she decides to change strategy. Theres no more attempts to make her situation lighter or find ways to deal with it. And think about this - if you're trying to drill the safe open it means either A) you feel like you've tried all the codes and are resorting to brute force, and/or B) you're running out of time and growing desperate. Taylor is past even those points and is giving up entirely.

[Chorus]

Thinking how much sad did you think I had

Did you think I had in me?

Oh, the tragedy

So long, London

You’ll find someone

The chorus reminds me of talking to a past version of yourself that made plans for a future you. We know Taylor must plan her life years in advance so perhaps she is asking her past self something like, “Why did you think I could handle continued bearding? Did you really think I could handle all the sadness I'm feeling today?”

Then I think the second half of this chorus is saying goodbye to bearding, symbolized by London, because she can’t bear the sadness anymore. Maybe the "you'll find someone" line is aimed at the fans a la "you should find another guiding light" like you guys will find someone else to fawn over in the tabloids.

Side note: I love the double entendre here. Because so long means goodbye but it has also been so long that she’s been bearding (largely with British men).

[Verse 2]

I didn't opt in to be your odd man out

I founded the club she's heard great things about

I left all I knew, you left me at the house by the Heath

I stopped CPR, after all, it's no use

The spirit was gone, we would never come to

And I'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free

I don't have a strong opinion on the first two lines of this version. What comes to mind is she didn't opt in to be an openly LGBTQIA+ artist, she chose to closet and beard. Then other younger closeted celebrities have looked to her as a blueprint.

In the process of bearding for stardom, her soul abandoned all she knew. I think there is a red herring here as Heath could reference Hampstead Heath (which has connections to Toe) but it’s also continuing on the house theme that Taylor sings about. Here, it doesn’t sound like this house is a home. She’s not singing about chandeliers flickering inside, it’s “the” house by a heath -- “Heathland is characterized by plants such as heather, bilberry, gorse and bracken, which occur on infertile and well-drained soils. Open heaths have been highly modified by humans for centuries and are maintained by grazing or cutting.” She’s stuck somewhere that’s by drained her via death by a thousand cuts lol.

Again, it's weighed on her. So she's decided to stop trying to revive the disconnect between her soul and her celebrity, it’s no use trying anymore. She’s realized they could never fully come together.

And she’s pissed off she let her celebrity rob her of an open, free, youth where she could live truthfully. Recall that in Peace she sings, “a coming of age has come and gone” which to me means she feels she can’t explain a coming out via a youthful awakening angle. She’s at the age where people will understand she’s known this for years but hasn’t shared with the world. This will raise questions she won’t be able to answer because it’s all too tangled (NDAs, outing beards, etc.).

[Chorus]

For so long, London/ Stitches undone

Two graves, one gun

I'll find someone

For so long, she’s been bearding, stunting, hiding her true self to reach and/or maintain celebrity. It’s caused her stitches to come undone. This wording is interesting because it implies she had a wound from living this life hiding her truth, they tried to fix her up as her celebrity status soared, but it didn’t work because the sadness was too great.

Perhaps there's two graves and one gun because on the path to daylight she will kill both her celebrity and the sadness of her closeted self. Not how she switches from "you" will find someone to "I" will find someone. This is because she will destroy every version of herself that she's ever known if she comes out one day. She will rise like a Phoenix through the ashes to discover a new version of herself in the daylight.

Note that the Spotify clip for this song, from the Fortnight video, feels significant. First, Taylor looks up toward the daylight. Then, with heavy breaths and a concerned face, she rifles through her art (words written out on a typewriter). We know in the rest of this scene she is lighting her art on fire. Two graves one gun on a path to daylight.

[Bridge Part 1]

And you say I abandoned the ship

But I was going down with it

My white-knuckle dying grip

Holding tight to your quiet resentment

I imagine these first lines of the bridge to be aimed toward those in her life, on her team, etc. that steered her toward closeting to gain/keep fame. Maybe she has plans and they are saying by coming out she is abandoning the ship (her celebrity) they've all worked hard to build. In Miss Americana we heard her team tell her that coming out as a Democrat would halve the numbers of her next tour. Can you imagine what would be said about a coming out?

But what they don’t understand is that living this life is killing her. She’s been holding on to all the subtle ways they’ve told her over the years that her career will sink if she comes out of the closet.

[Bridge Part 2]

And my friends said it isn't right to be scared

Every day of a love affair

Every breath feels like rarest air

When you're not sure if he wants to be there

When she confides with her friends about it all they tell her she shouldn’t be afraid to take steps toward the daylight because look where she is now. She’s been stunting for years (love affairs in the tabloids) and it's awful for her. So terrible that she's grasping for breaths, unsure if she can still survive in this atmosphere (thin/rare air means its not a hospitable environment for Taylor).

[Chorus]

So how much sad did you think I had

Did you think I had in me?

How much tragedy?

Just how low did you think I'd go

Before I'd self-implode?

Before I'd have to go be free?

Again, I think she’s talking to her past self here. “How could I have thought I’d survive sinking this low? How could I not realize I’d reach a point where I’d self-implode?” Which here, self-implosion is telling a similar story as I think the two graves one gun lyrics do — the result of the self implosion is being free. If she blows up her celebrity and she will be free to live her truth, curing the sadness that has been ruling her life for years.

[Verse 3]

You swore that you loved me, but where were the clues?

I died on the altar waiting for the proof

You sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days

And I'm just getting color back into my face

I'm just mad as hell cause I loved this place

I imagine this verse is aimed at her fans, the grocery line Swifties who believe her beards are real boyfriends. I read “you swore that you loved me but where were the clues?” as a sarcastic jab because she’s been screaming 🌈 for whoever is willing to listen. The fans claim to love Taylor but they aren’t willing to really listen to her.

Most people here “altar” and think of a wedding but the definition is much broader, “In religion, a raised structure or place that is used for sacrifice, worship, or prayer” (Wiki). So Taylor was up on the altar, a place of worship, waiting for clues that these fans actually loved her. But what started as worship became sacrifice as these fans never found love for who Taylor really is all the while the bearding and hiding were causing Taylor deep sadness.

Despite all this, she loves her job and her fans. The sadness is too much though. She is about to self implode and feels its time to take steps toward a brighter future. It’s maddening as hell to metaphorically blow up your life just as your fame is escalating to new heights you’ve reached for your whole career.

[Chorus]

For so long, London (So long, London)

Had a good run A moment of warm sun But I'm not the one So long, London Stitches undone Two graves, one gun You'll find someone

For so long, she bearded. She had a good run, getting away with it all, reaching levels of fame she always dreamed of. But she's not the one to keep the charade going (as opposed to her heroes who unfortunately 'died' closeted). Goodbye, bearding. The wound was too big to fix. With one action, I will kill the version of myself you (the fans) know and the version of myself I know. You (the fans) will find someone else to worship.

...

I could keep tweaking this theory for weeks but these are my initial thoughts on this song about two weeks out from TTPD's release. This album is incredible complex but for me the signs we keep getting are all pointing toward significant change. There is a momentum going right now that I haven't felt since the early Lover era. No matter what happens or how long it takes, I hope our fearless Chairman gets the chance to bask in the sun shiniest daylight. She deserves the warmth.

💕 CTR

[angelstate]

Husband!Price x Wife!reader

Captain Price isn’t a good man, he never claimed to be one and barely fills the requirements to be considered a moral being in the most mundane aspect of questioning life scenarios he is put to experience over and over again as he grows consciously older.

He knows just how tarnished he is, how dirty his hands are with blood, and how the closest he’ll ever get to heaven is by your side, and in all honesty, he wasn’t a man who craved a peaceful afterlife, nor did he crave for the existence of the promised afterlife his religious mother talked to him about every night to be true. 

Your existence is the only thing that soothes his aching heart, the only person who makes him feel better and unconsciously worse for being the man he is. Because you hold him so gently, speak so softly, and mutter praises for putting his life on the line, for losing morals so the entirety of the world didn’t lose theirs.

He feels as if it’s rotten work to love him, a tortuous action you keep because of the high morals he was never able to develop or comprehend. He sees you as a Martyr for staying with him when he continuously leaves you, disappearing to fight the evils of the world he knows won’t be eradicated anytime soon. 

Aren’t you the kindest of angels for guarding him everywhere he goes, a photo of you hidden in a small pocket on his hat, the smell of your sweet perfume on his suitcase “so you don’t forget my smell” you explained while saying goodbye to him at the door of your home. Oh, sweet angel, he will never forget you.

He usually doesn’t make promises he can't keep, not wanting to feed false hope to the people he cares for, but when you stare at him with teary doe eyes and a pretty smile on your lips because you refuse to cry in front of him, refuse to that be the last expression he sees on your face if the inevitable thing that is death happens to him in the battlefield and not in your arms, of old age with a peaceful mind, he feels compelled to promise his return, to ease your mind and take away the crushing pressure on his chest.

he would die for his teammates, but he would live for you.

“Try and return to me” you whisper in his ear, kissing him on the cheek before pulling away, you have no idea what he would do to ensure he finds his way into your arms one more time before perishing. “Of course, love” he replies, voice gruff yet holding an endearment he only has for you. 

And he remembers your last conversation with pain because Captain Price isn’t a good man, but Jonathan Price is, your Johny is a good man, one who holds you close to his chest at night despite his aching bones from War and violence, who opens the door for you and buys you flower every Sunday after church.

But tonight the night sky has a dooming dark he has never seen before, and the stars above him as he bleeds out on the soil are too blurry to stargaze the way he does with you back home, there is no grass on the floor to soothe the ache of his sore bones the way the backyard of your home does.

He knows he has never been a religious person, never been one to have a relationship with God, but you do, he knows you pray for him to return safe every day he is away from you, so tonight, knowing he isn’t returning to you, he prays for you. he prays for God to be kind to your soul and guide a new lover your way, one who won’t die thousands of miles away from you, one with a body to bury when death catches up to them. 

He prays for nothing more than for God to allow you to live peacefully the rest of your time while his time reaches an end in a secluded place on earth, looking at your picture for one last time before pressing it close to his heart with the hand that has his wedding band, feeling his skin slowly match the temperature of the cold material, his last heartbeats only known by the picture of you and him, a last secret to share with you.

Husband!Price prays for the afterlife to be real, so he can have a chance of seeing you again someday. 

[omghallucinations]

enhypen sunghoon: anti-sagittarius stereotype (subtitle: pluto... what u up to there buddy????)

thanks to a kind anon i now know that dawn has some cultural connotations but i'm going to leave this breakdown because i DID ASTRONOMY for this astrology and i want that on the record!

after SO MUCH searching i found sunghoon was born at dawn then after extensive Learning (i did math for this dude) the exact technical time for dawn on 8 december 2002 in suwon was 7:02am. i'm not insane i know no one's gonna cite the exact scientific time to just colloquially say dawn, but i'm putting it in there anyway!! FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN many enhystrologers lean scorpio rising for sunghoon but i did not--primarily because of the astronomical/nautical/civil twilight times of that day he's a lot more likely to be a sag rising and secondarily because a pluto in the first house can reaaaaally look like a scorpio rising. also it makes sense to me to have sag rising for someone who is a) athletic and b) clearly intensely ambitious and goal-oriented (i assume??? i mean you don't become a pro athlete as a child then decide to become an idol without this??? i am only encurious you guys i'm not an enhexpert yet!)

i'm not gonna go hard on his ascendant or chart ruler since we can't be sure (altho i will touch on features of a sag ascendant because from like 5am on he has his sag sun in his 1st house) and i'm gonna focus on house placements and aspects that are consistent from ~5am-~7am.

sagittarius vibes: escape route planned 24/7

or, party in the first house: everything's not about me.... .but what if it is??? (it is)

so a sagittarius rising or sagittarius sun can be charming and extroverted and blah blah blah but not necessarily. sagittarius is ruled by jupiter and jupiter loves to EXPAND--expansion can mean fun, extroverted, silly, but it doesn't have to, expansion can also mean wanting more or going farther. notably a prominent jupiter can really expand your head. sunghoon does not have this problem, pluto really stepped in to be like hey girl... .ever feel the closeness of death haha? anyway no matter what any sag loves to: leave. goodbye!!!

they spend a lot of time considering the Philosophy of things--meaning is wildly important to a sag rising or sag sun's Purpose. as a leo rising personally i cannot relate, because i don't care about "what is 'good'" or whatever, i care about Vibes and my hair, but each to their own! a sag has to Believe in stuff, they're searching, they have a lot of thinky thoughts. a rising tells you your direction/journey in this life, and sagittarius cares about freedom, meaning, expansion and hitting da bricks. they feel trapped at the slightest provocation. the weather changes and suddenly they are accusing you of restraining them in a prison of your creation and it's like, girl? i'm just sitting here?

however! with the sun in sunghoon's first house he is not free from me, leo rising!! although he also has pluto conjunct his sun, and pluto is a very intense bitch so his rising (sag or scorpio) gets a major scorpio and minor leo flavor. but yet there is more! mercury can be up in there too, depending on time, which could be gemini rising-y but with his possible virgo MC i'm gonna say it gives more of a virgo rising flavor.

(sidenote, the key difference between gemini and virgo:

gemini is like, omg look at all these cool rocks, they are all so cool in different ways wow, i'm gonna take every cool rock home and show them to everybody i know and it will take 5 hours and they will definitely enjoy my 5 hour meandering rock lecture

virgo is like, hm this rock is clearly superior to this rock, i am only going to take the correct rocks home, and i will explain to you how they are actually not exactly correct in the following ways, which you will enjoy, especially my mean and hilarious commentary about the not superior rocks

and they are both weirdo freaks with anxiety. thank u for ur time.)

basically sunghoon is on a real Self Journey in this life!! with his south node near his ascendant and north node near his descendent (either 12th/6th house or 1st/7th house which is more of a Traditional Idol Placement), his journey is both about Discovering His Purpose/Identity and also realizing he's actually just one person in the wide world and there is no objective truth, really (a sagittarus looooooves objective truth, because objective truth is about being right) therefore he is not, personally, Responsible For All The Ills That Have Befallen Anyone (thanx pluto).

with his sun and possible rising in sagittarius, think about that arrow glyph ♐︎, it's really loaded to go-go-go! but not so fast because his lunar nodes (these guys ☋ ☊) are conjunct or near conjunct his ascendant-descendant line. if his north node was conjunct his ascendant it would simply increase the go-go-go and like focused unity of purpose (keep an eye on your transits bc whenever the transiting north node is conjunct ur natal north node you get the go-go-go), but his south node (☋ his past lives, his foundation) is the one conjunct his ascendant. there are 2 types here i think--either you don't care much about goals because I'm gonna get there when i get there, or!!! you are just as driven and intense someone whose north node conjuncts their ascendant, but life is gonna throw stuff in your path to help you periodically reevaluate. so it's more like sunghoon's past life and his ascendant as his like, lil guide to his Journey are standing in front of his instincts being like OK BUD. LET'S JUST SLOW DOWN THERE NOW.

it's not gonna stop him from achieving his goals, but it is gonna force him to reevaluate frequently, change his goals (transition from figure skater to idol??) and also try to get him to slowwww Dowwwnnnn.

so summary before i get deep into any more specifics--

sunghoon's 1st house is gonna color his whole life, so every planet in here is gonna have to do with how he figures out who he is and how he moves through the world:

his sun--he's gonna be in the process of figuring out who he is in his life. not everybody shows up as their sun automatically---but the sun is the energy you need to be or tap into. so he's called to #journey #search find #meaning and also #leave. any fire sun is also called to shine and assert themselves in some way.

his pluto, conjunct his sun--ok this is gonna require a real Treatise so i'm gonna go deep into her next but pls believe me when i say he has deep security needs and fear entwined with his identity bro also he's very powerful and has a lot of intensity and magnetism he is not aware of also he's ultimately deeply secretive (as a security mechanism)

(possible 1st house) his mercury, in detriment in sagittarius-- communication is part of his Journey but he's not like... super good at it. but he does have a real ability to nitpick and critique everything, including himself

(possible 1st house) his capricorn chiron -- ahhh.... yeah.... . ... there's some deep wounds in his perception of self and he feels rejected by society in some way.... tbh he feels like every time he's been Himself he gets hate for it from somewhere, this probably started when he was young. chiron has a lot of exact aspects to other planets too so that childhood agony really affects a lot of stuff in his life!! yoops. when he feels vulnerable he probably shuts down a lot and tries to keep it #business and tries to heal himself through success/trying to adhere to societal standards in some way

pluto conjunct sun: an onion buried deep underground by an overprotective badger

pluto has the sun fully behind an 8 foot deep brick wall. people are like knock knock knock, can i get to know u sunghoon, and pluto is like hell NO nobody is HOME get OUT. this seems very rude and it is but sunghoon's pluto is trying to protect him! like he'll be able to be close to people in his life, but he probably hides a lot even from them, like i doubt anyone knows aaaaanything non surface level about his childhood or like. how he really feels about something.

here is the real kicker about that pluto!! pluto doesn't just want to hide sunghoon's sun from the world, pluto wants to hide sunghoon's sun from sunghoon, like sunghoon feels impenetrable to himself probably. especially trippy because again this is part of his #journey!! knowing himself!!

something about a pluto-sun conjunction or square or many 1st house plutos seem very catholic to me, like very I Am The Sinner I Am The Destroyer I Personally Did Sins So I Myself Caused This Problem subtext, very goth, very stained glass, very gruesome depictions of the deaths of saints... the power of imagery... .. .. people are really into your aesthetic... rituals 4 life... .. .. morbid kids love this....

so like, sunghoon has all this personal power and magneticism but he does not see that about himself and actually he probably really does not have good self esteem at all. when he gets older this will probably get better but he is nooooot there yet like i don't blame him!!

sunghoon, just living his life: sun conjunct pluto in his first house (hades hanging over his shoulder whispering): hey ever think that death could come at any minute? if anyone truly knows you they will betray you :) and steal your identity somehow or force you to be someone else :) sunghoon: (the scream by edvard munch) sun conjunct pluto in his first house: HEY DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE INHERENTLY THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS??? sunghoon: idk why i feel weird and anxious all the time sun conjunct pluto in his first house: you're welcome for protecting you :) i love you :) never sleep anything could happen :)

often the sun in a hard angle (square or opposition) or conjunction with pluto will have a father or father figure who looms really big in their lives and who seemed all-knowing when they were a kid--it probably seemed like this person just Knew if sunghoon had erred in any way.

sunghoon: daddy issues? answer: actually, not traditionally! just has a dad who really influenced his perception of the world!

sunghoon's dad probably:

was very aware of the bad stuff in the world and negative aspects of humanity

tried to protect sunghoon from this reality

sunghoon saw him as vaguely all-knowing (and probably unconsciously sensed the like... fear or tension his dad hid about, handwave, life stuff)

with the sun trine jupiter, sunghoon probably had a great relationship with him especially when he was young--although he may have made his dad into almost like a god, like he could do no wrong and he was always right about everything

so now sunghoon:

hyper-vigilance

LOVES a ritual (ritual can save him????? from anxiety???)

probably still idolizes his father

can take a dad-like role sometimes and come across as paternalistic and patronising, he really means well tho

god complex (i need to be great at everything i do, also everything bad that happens anywhere was my fault somehow)

sun-pluto is so fun because it's like:

sun conjunct pluto: i must become Great... I must become So Special.... . that i have NO SHADOWS i must become SUPERHUMAN i must become BEYOND DEATH i must NEVER FAIL if I FAIL i FALL APART by MARINA i can ENDURE ANYTHING!!!! pluto conjunct sun: ah i am worthless... .. . yet i am so intensely important that inherently i destroy everything i touch somehow.. .. .. every single thing that has ever happened is my fault... .. anyway maybe i should subconsciously self-sabotage and create some situations where i need to develop superhuman willpower idkk.....

usually sagittarius gets by with a very healthy sense of humor and lols, but that pluto conjunction means he takes life REALLY SERIOUSLY as well. too seriously. he must learn to make a mistake and to simultaneously have some self esteem and also have some humility lmao.

since this is such a powerful conjunction, let's look at what else it touches!! whatever it does, it's gonna mean sunghoon has insane expectations of himself there.

pluto-sun (1st house):

square virgo MC (possible, depends on birth time)) --if it does hit it's like he has sky high expectations of himself in his career BUT he keeps making choices that don't align with him well so he ends up criticizing himself SO insanely much leading to overwork to "correct" anything, repeat. trine leo jupiter (8th or 9th house): any fire trine has a talent for risk--and with jupiter it's like it is time to LEAP without EVER LOOKING bro!! with the pluto and possible 8th house aspect it's not necessarily like there is no possibility of failure, but almost like sunghoon is like (clenches fist) there can be no failure if i simply.... brute force myself to success. anyway a fire trine is inspirational and future-y, with the sun and jupiter it is extra this especially because they rule each other (jupiter in leo ruled by the sun in sagittarius ruled by jupiter) so they are partners. but also they have to "and steve" pluto who changes the vibe a lot. still! sunghoon has a lot of creativity, will power and an ability to take his personal identity (1st house, sun, leo) and use it in a global way (jupiter, possible 9th house). altho this... really just increases his complexes lmao. semisquare aquarius moon in the 2nd or 3rd house: man let's hope his moon is in the second to ground it a little bit lmao.... more on our aquarius moon here later, but basically this one shows he is so so so so so sensitive but he doesn't like to show it. people probably think he is much more mentally strong than he is. every criticism seems both objectively true and also like a direct attack on himself as a person. semisquare mars in scorpio (11th or 12th house): deeply focused, ambitious, can be ruthless, suppressed anger (especially in the 12th), needs a goal or an outlet for the Energy (music is good!) otherwise he ouroborus eats himself septile neptune in aquarius (2nd or 3rd house): septile is like a pisces-y aspect, it's very subtle and a little mystical, it just adds a little glaze like a light sheen of water u know what i mean? it's not super deep but it adds to the Flavor. since neptune is a pisces-y planet, sunghoon's identity gets a softening quality which he desperately needs. he has a spiritual ability and, w the sag sun and pluto, probably finds a lot of meaning in spirituality which can offset some of his Stuff. this gives him a like, ophelia in the river painting thing. very delicate, wistful, loves to lie to himself...

because some aspects are super specific and this isn't an exact conjunction, we get a few that may only apply to 1 planet:

sun novile venus in scorpio in the 11th or 12th: a tint of libra, it's a talent here or a calling. in the 12th would give him a self-sacrificing vibe, in the 11th it's more about his beliefs about humanity

sun contraparallel saturn in gemini in the 7th or 8th house: if i can Do Things and Produce and Fix Problems and Overcome Obstacles i will... become worthy...

scorpio venus/mars square aquarius moon/neptune: double life????

any fixed square or opposition has a ton of willpower but hates to change stuff and is very attached to things/ideas/people/whatever, and the scorpio-aquarius fixed square is like

scorpio: tell me ur deepest darkest secrets let's commune on the deepest level intimately you r my twin flame wait NOT YOU i don't trust YOU i trust one and a half people on this earth but with them i want 2 unite souls aquarius: ah, humanity, i have many abstract yet deeply humane ideas about humanity, how fascinating, let us discuss them, objectively and dispassionately, i love friendship, uhhHH not that close though!!!! stay out!!! icky!! yucky a real emotion yuck not like that! this better not awaken anything in me!!

in any square or opposition the two sides do not agree on how to act in any given situation, and since this is a fixed square they are just like... fully in a standoff.

and with sunghoon's venus in detriment in scorpio conjunct his mars on one side of that square, it's giving.... double life. lmao. it's giving.... presents one way in the public eye has his private life way less conventional on the side. it's giving... .taboos??? all of this especially if the venus-mars conjunction is in the 12th. something in his private life is a lil out there--maybe he's into the occult?? fun!! or it could be something relationship-y or sexual especially with venus and mars involved. eyeball emoji indeed....

our scorpio side of this square clearly wants intimacy, it wants intensity, it wants depth and connection. aquarius, this may shock u, super disagrees.

on the aquarius end, our neptune-aquarius conjunction, an aquarius moon can really run the gamut. the stereotypical thing here is like--

loved one: i don't feel loved and cherished please reassure me!! aquarius moon: what is "love," really... what is "reassure".... (lecture about nature of love/interpersonal versus personal love that manages to obscure their own feelings about anything) anyway like i was saying (harry styles voice) choose kindness....

and honestly a lot of the time u truly cannot kill an aquarius moon in any way that truly matters. their emotional center is on another planet you cannot get there. of course that means they feel pretty lonely sometimes. they distance themselves from their feelings so far they can often fool themselves into thinking they don't have them and are absolutely pro at distracting themselves. ever met one existing on your own in silence??? not a single aquarius moon, a never-ending podcast a day keeps the inner demons away.

honestly a sag sun aquarius moon will obviously have an unconventional relationship life barring other factors, they feel trapped SO OFTEN they can't possibly have a "normal" one, so this makes sense. it may be as simple as an open relationship or just a relationship in which one partner travels a lot, idk.

IMPORTANT THO! the moon is widely conjunct neptune, which will piscesify everything.

neptune: so much of life is about connection... beauty.... can we really experience the world if we don't touch the soul of another... aquarius moon: (frantically looking for exactly the right youtube video to shower with it playing in the background so it doesn't have to face its thoughts) neptune: my influence will make u feel so tender and like ur reaching out for connection.... just give in.... maybe try hallucinogens... aquarius moon: NO. NO THOUGHTS. NO. alexa play literally any pocast, anything, please, i don't know what is happening to me, what is this swirling.... emotion???

especially with his mercury in detriment in sagittarius, sunghoon has NO IDEA what any of these feelings are or how to label them. girl get an emotions chart like for kids. it will help.

aquarius LOVES a boundary and neptune HATES a boundary so he has a curious ability to feel everything everyone else is feeling and...... not be able to communicate it at all.

k try to get into the #childhoodissues

moon square mars: ever feel... rejected as a child haha... idk and maybe you sensed your mom had a lot of unspoken anger about society or the extended family or something?? neptune conjunct moon: idk i feel like my childhood was perfect also my mom did everything for me i feel bad.... she had to work so hard... moon square mars: (repressed anger simmering beneath the surface like an icelandic volcano) aquarius moon: what i have learned here is that it is safer to remove yourself from everything and view it all from an objective distance. and whatever else u do, always stay a little removed subconsciously!!! that way u will be safe neptune conjunct moon: haha good luck with that scorpio venus conjunct mars: maybe sexuality and relationships are a great way to deal with hard feelings and repressed whatever???? moon square mars-venus: at least we can agree that it is very important to protect the people u love scorpio mars: and if you must fight, fight and win neptune conjunct moon in aquarius: with our words and ideas because we are demure and mindful

sunghoon's venus-mars conjunction is exact--and this is a really cute conjunction! a mars conjunction can often seem really overwhelming, but with venus it's more like we combine mars's survival impulse with venus's love of art and beauty--so (stop this is so adorable) it's like he pursues artistic expression as an act of survival. ughHH that's beautiful. stop.

it also softens the aquarius moon by aspect--

scorpio venus-mars conjunction: what is life without intimacy and love??? are we alive if there is no romance at all??? can we experience our art authentically if we do not have Romance??? aquarius moon: oh hey guys didn't see u there... idk i was really planning on keeping people at an emotional distance for safety?? idk when people get close to me i'm kind of like uhhHH uh oh danger signals?? sagittarius pluto-sun conjunction: oh #word, #vibes, #mood scorpio venus-mars conjunction: 🥺 mars at home in scorpio: 😈 venus in detriment in scorpio: 👻 ? neptune conjunct moon: idk... i can feel the Aura... the veil between worlds... .. . .. i mean, psychologically would our understanding of the world be incomplete without union with another... idk aquarius moon: :( it's like u guys want to get hurt ugh fine

but i'm really underscoring what i wrote up there about double life dude lmao. he really likes a neat divide between who he is as an idol and what his private life is like.

time for our summary!!

the only other thing i really wanted to touch on leads nicely into the list of influences--sunghoon's gemini saturn opposes his sagittarius placements. sometimes you'll see a chart underline a thing four times using different aspects (with slightly different flavors of course) and you're like ok ok we GET IT.

big theme #1

say it with me, identity! saturn opposing all these first house placements including his sun is a very literal feeling of ---in order to please people around me/society (saturn, 7th house) i need to suppress or control my own power and shine in whatever way. sunghoon's #journey is very much about figuring out who he is, understanding his personal power and learning to harness it.

also really deeply understanding he is not the #destroyerofworlds shit just happens sometimes

big theme #2

balancing his passion (mars/venus in scorpio) with his fear of containment (sagittarius) and defense mechanisms of staying removed from things (aquarius) -- he doesn't have to unite his personal life and public life if he doesn't want to, but he does have to learn about his own feelings and stuff.

he's working towards (north node in gemini in the 7th) viewing life a little more lightly and less like there is one Objective Truth, as well as learning to communicate with others and develop real personal relationships where he allows himself to be vulnerable and doesn't just like... cosplay "relationship" while still maintaining a total independence out of fear.

chart big players:

mars, at home in scorpio--possible chart ruler, definite big player in his prominent aquarius-scorpio square

jupiter, exalted in leo--possible chart ruler, definite ruler of his sun, mercury, south node and pluto. this is interesting because usually a dominant jupiter makes for a very bouncy and exuberant person, but that's not the impression i get of sunghoon but again i barely know much about him so i could be deeply off base!! the vibe i get though is more of a weight on the future-looking parts of jupiter, expansion in a less physical/jubilant more mental or career sense. a totally committed feeling like he's always going to make it and he's going to do well, like opportunities are given to him (and they are), that kind of thing. but pluto really does not want him to bounce and jubilate very much, judging by the aspects there.

his pluto and his sun, going hard in his first house!!

his saturn has the most exact aspects to other planets as well as his only opposition, which makes a lot of sense for an idol--so much is about work, production, value, society. maturation comes easily to sunghoon, for better or worse.

his lunar nodes have wildly a lot of aspects as well as being either conjunct or near conjunct his ascendant-descendant line--this is a really vital life for sunghoon! #journey!! also i am. so jealous of anyone with a natal node conjunct their ascendant, everyone i know with that has such a like. direct and sure path to their goals??? doesn't always work out but damn it seems awesome to be so unified on a goal.

this was really interesting!! it was really cool looking at someone whose sun doesn't seem totally tapped into yet--his chart is really showing these blocks he'll have to work through with all of the different aspects and planets in detriment. and it's a good reminder that often people don't just rock up in life as purely their sun sign--they have to work through things, possibly projecting qualities of their sun sign on other people, before really leaning into that identity.

plus like damn pluto is so powerful, you know??

[papirouge]

This exchange made me realize that many of you tend to forget that Carmy is a late bloomer who never had any girlfriend before Claire which actually explains his awkward behavior. I know it because I too am an awkward late bloomer (around the same age as Carmy and sharing a lot of common with him) and his behavior totally made sense to me lol

I want you all to keep in mind that when you've been closed off romantic elationships for your entire life, you're not handling them the same way people who started dating in their teens or young adult years (Carmy is most likely in his early 30s and never got into any relationships before).

Carmy, like any late bloomer, was used to never being considered romantically, which explains why he freaked out when Claire started flirting with him and stopped thinking rationally (which is very unfamiliar for emotionally avoidant type like Carmy or I - we'll come back to this later). I understand Carmy's move of giving a false number to Claire yet still accepting to go out with her later may be confusing to many people, but as a fellow late bloomer I immediately clocked it : we are not comfortable with the attention people give to us, but we *know* this behavior is not normal/unhealthy so Carmy eventually giving in may be a way of eventually getting into the mold and abide to the "if you don't open up to others and give them chances, how can you expect building actual relationships?" mantra. Because deep down we want to be like others (because being so closed off all the time can become emotionally draining) and seek to find a way to fit in.

Another thing about people like Carmy/emotional avoidant type is that by being so closed off to the world, we are also extremely deceptive about who we truly are. It makes sense to me that Carmy hides his feelings for Syd and would rather project them onto Claire. That's definitely manipulative, but we'd rather do that than get "uncovered". We tend to think very rationally and our sense of self perseveration is incredibly strong. I just know that howing his bare feelings has to be one of the most terrifying and embarrassing thing for Carmy.

We also don't mind getting confused as someone we are not in which we feel some sort of relief because it keeps our real self away from others perception (if that make sense???). Carmy passing himself as "Logan" in that party -while being quite extreme- is totally on brand actually lol. I regularly get mistaken as a male (I'm lowkey gnc) but I never bother correcting people lol I'm fine being whatever they see me as, as long it's not the real me.

Talking about self preservation: we don't ask and don't tell. Carmy sister being mad at him for never asking her whether she was okay was extremely relatable because I tend to get the same reproach from my own sisters. Very typical of us. Fleeing to the other side of the globe to cope with a family member death is something I *get* because we are avoidant in nature. We can also be insane hustlers and tend to cope with grief or unhealed emotions through work.

On the positive side, we are extremely independent and self reliant. The scene in the fridge (last episode of season 2) where Carmy loses his shit and says he was mad at himself for indulging in all "this bullshit" (= love and relationships) I FELT THAT. Countless times I prayed to God to remove from my heart my "shameful" longing for love & intimacy that I always felt hindered me in my quest for excellence & satisfaction in any other aspect of my life. Because we are very rational & practical people and lowkey despise "useless" stuff like relationships and feelings. And that's where the messed up part comes up.

I wouldn't be surprised Carmy lowkey despises Claire for being so clingy and courting him so openly. As I just said, we tend to look down on (bold) displayal of love and emotion which lowkey repulse us. I think that's why Carmy dislikes his sister's husband when he's an all around good guy. He may have a resentment (and even jealousy?) against this man that has no issue showing affection - not only to his sister, but also the rest of the family. Which Carmy still struggles to do so far.

This may also explain why Carmy is suddenly so cold with Claire when he's serving her at the table (beside him allegedly previously making up his mind to break up with her). That's why the moment he hears that voicemail of Claire saying she "loves him" he THROWS AWAY his phone. Because that's disgusting.

I think the CarmyxSyd dynamic is unique because there's a dimension of respect between both. They share the same passion for cuisine, and Sydney constantly pushes Carmy out of his comfort zone. As an avoidant emotional attachment type myself, when I think of the type of people I potentially could be attracted to, I can only think of people I have deeply respect for, and bring objective value into my life AND skills. I've seen people criticize the fact that Sydney was pretty much a "warrior worker" for Carmy (and pretty much the whole Bear crew) and that's true. But regardless it's a good or bad thing, that's pretty much the type of profile that may attract avoidant emotional type of people. Bonding through work & shared passion is our safest field to build romantic connection through. That's why Carmy made Syd sign a partnership agreement instead of a marriage contract 💅🏾 that's the safest way for him to convey his feelings.

Again, we are very rational people and in every type of relationship, we instinctively jauge whether & how this person might be useful for us. It doesn't mean we built relationship with people depending on whether they can be useful for us or not, but that's definitely in a part of our head somewhere. Yes, that's fucked up (1/because we are 2/that's why emotionally distant people can become pretty unlikable - i.e Carmy carmying), but you have to keep that in mind to understand how Carmy moves. Which tracks back to Claire's actual purpose I've elaborated just before. He definitely uses her, but most likely unknowingly.

[mysumeow]

ꗃ LYNEY NSFW ALPHABET 1/2

warnings: afab genitalia, mentioned use of bra for reader, crossdressing mentions, gn pronouns.

a/n: finally. i hit the right balance. i didnt not go on a tangent with each letter like i did with previous alphabets TvT

PART TWO › MASTERLIST ‹

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Lyney gets so cuddly that it's unbelievable how clingy he can get. He's clinging to you like you're his lifeline and will get pouty if you insist on leaving the bed. "Won't you spend some time cuddling your dear lover?" he would say.

On days when he's even more needy, you'll have to resort to negotiations (like letting go of you under the promise of getting showered together, for example).

B = Body part (their favorite body part and their partner’s)

I'm going to be real with you, chief. One would think it’s his hands, because not only does he work magic on cards but also between your legs. But no, it’s his legs, in my humble opinion. Why else do you think he wears shorts? To show off his legs. /j  And, also, the harness. That simple but effective piece of accessory is key to bringing attention to his legs.

Likewise, in his partner’s, it's also their legs. You cannot be around Lyney wearing shorts or something that shows your thighs because he’s going to be touchy.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically).

Lyney’s pretty average in terms of how much he cums, the taste, how far it shoots, and the refractory period. If anything, he’s above average in how much he cums, but not by much. He enjoys seeing your face covered in cum and watching you lick the remains off when you finish sucking him off.

D = Dirty secret (self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He would like to cross-dress and experiment with having sex with you in a place like a fitting room. The thrill of having to keep your voice down excites him. Although he’s aware it might not be as viable as he would like to think it is, considering there’s a risk of being found out and it could tarnish both his and Lynette’s reputations, Would that little fantasy ever come true? Probably not. Lyney can’t keep his voice down for the life of him.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Despite his outgoing and charismatic personality, he has had one or two close romantic relationships. He gives me the impression of being that type of person who’s friendly to everyone, and people love him, but it’s hard to actually get to know him past that amicable exterior.

No matter how limited his experience is, he’s got the advantage of having skilled hands. So he’s got a head start in that regard.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

He’s a romantic at heart; he wants to see your face and kiss you throughout the whole thing. Whichever position allows him to do that automatically checks the box for him. He’s inclined to do it with you on his lap and facing each other. For Lyney, there’s nothing more intimate than being able to appreciate in detail the faces and voices a lover makes during sex.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

He has his moments of being stupid, but it’s to set a lighthearted mood. Does he implement his silly little magic tricks in the bedroom? I think he would do stuff like undo your bra with just one hand and in like a split second, for example. Or getting rid of an article of clothing when you least expect it.

H = Hair (how well-groomed are they? etc.)

Yeah eyeah he trims. He doesn’t appreciate how messy that place can get if left unattended.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

The first word that comes to mind is sensuous. Lyney could start off with a lighthearted mood and joke a bit here and there, but then it escalates to a more sensible feel. He’s attentive to each one of your needs to ensure the experience is as pleasurable for you.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

He somehow finds the time to do it once every day. On days when there’s no performance to be done, he even does it twice. High libido, as expected from someone of his age. Probably has one or two toys.

[twst-megane]

So I recently just finished Book 5 and I need y’all to know Vil is like my top fav even before starting book 1 and I just ended up loving him more even now and how so much care and knowledge was written to create such a layered and complex character

I’m not that good in gathering my thoughts into posts like this but I just wanted to share my thoughts cuz I genuinely love the writing in Book 5 as of now :3

BOOK 5 SPOILERS KINDA

1. Envy

The baseline that drove to Vil into overblot. How his desire to play the hero and be on stage longer, his inner envy towards Neige, it accumulated so much from childhood till now and to the point of almost potentially killing Neige but I personally don’t think it was the main reason for his OB

2. Reflection

I’m going off by the official ENG translation but I really love his line before overblotting, “Don’t look at me with those eyes”

He knew what he was going to do if Rook hadn’t stopped him and he immediately regretted it, he became the role he detested for all those years and he hated himself even more for it, he couldn’t forgive himself, which I feel is the real reason he OB compared to a simple jealousy buildup over the years and wanting to be the best. I really like this route more as someone with intrusive thoughts during my worst, it’s a horrible feeling when you realised the horrible things you thought of and the thought of acting it.

3. Loneliness

The higher your power, the lonelier you become.

I feel like this can be said for like every housewarden but I’ve rarely seen ppl talk about this aspect regarding Vil. He couldn’t star in hero roles because he was TOO perfect and beautiful that an average person couldn’t relate, it’s the complete opposite to the rest of the housewardens where they were lonely due to being inferior/intimidating which is an interesting thing to spin the loneliness part onto Vil really well.

He didn’t even appear to have any close friends since childhood, I don’t think he’d consider Jack or Neige to be his close friends but more like at a distance due to how far Vil is in most things. But I don’t think loneliness is the main point of his overall character or trauma but it’s an interesting aspect to consider especially when fitting with the rest of the housewardens.

4. Jamil and Vil Parallels

It’s really funny Jamil shares almost the exact same thoughts as Vil and it brings me back to my second point considering both Jamil and Vil have someone they consider to be superior than them being the most pure and kindhearted person (Kalim and Neige). It’s even more interesting Kalim was the one that escalated the OB and not Jamil from the previous pattern of OB characters escalating the next char into OB. Book 5 expanded a lot on Kalim as a character and he never makes the same mistake twice once he learns which is why it was heartwarming he saw the same eyes Jamil made in Vil’s and tries to stop him.

Bonus :

Rook constantly being the observer in the background and always watching out for Vil really warms my heart, even if its for the good, he always thinks the good for Vil specifically. He saved Neige but only cuz he knows Vil isn’t that sort of person. He cares so much about him he’s so sweet.

I really love love love how they touched on how being an actor can make you be perceived. As a kid you’re very impressionable towards specifically live action actors playing a certain character because your brain would find it hard to find a separation between actor and character and could even paint one as a villain in real life. It has happened before and it’s still a thing now so I really love they added this in even if Vil doesn’t seem to be too bothered by it but it minimally added a little fuel to the fire on why he hated the roles as a villain.

Anyway I really love Vil as a character I can dissect him forever nobody can make me hate him I love him so much 😭😭😭

[ot3]

can i please hear your thoughts about franema. blease. i know they have something going on between them

oh yes yes.... franema happy to talk about it. for starters just everything about how ema behaves herself in aa4 makes me believe that would be some excellent yuri because bitch4bitch femslash is always so important.

in general though i think they're two people whose lives are very centered around their work (as much of the main ace attorney cast is) but they center their work extremely differently in a way i think would cause the other person to question a lot about their own perspective. I think a situation where two characters can really ruffle each others feathers just by existing in proximity has a lot of good ship fodder.

i think in many ways franziska is what ema wanted to be. she's a child prodigy, competent and excelling in her field and earning respect from a very young age. meanwhile when she's several years older than fran was passing the bar ema is still just a high school student just dipping her nose into forensic science for the first time. by the time she's in her mid 20s ema still isn't at the level of career success fran reached in her teen years, being stuck as a detective after failures to pass the forensics exams. and i think it's really worth paying attention to the fact that Detective was specifically the job that lead to her sister's life turning to shit, so i think the longer and longer she stays trapped in that position the more she's gonna start feeling like the walls of her life are closing in on her. i know we don't know where fran is at career wise during this point in the timeline but my personal headcanon is that she ends up doing a lot of work with interprol and primarily specializing in prosecuting cases that take place across various countries' jurisdictions, and has had good success doing so.

Then on the flipside I think Fran see's ema's fully self-motivated passion for forensics as something enviable and admirable. Fran is i think someone who has spent her entire life running through a treadmill of carrots and sticks that dictated what her life was going to be like since she was born. Obviously prosecuting is the family trade and she was started extremely young, then pitted against someone much older for the majority of her childhood. I think the ebb and flow of validation or disinterest from her peers and family was such an overwhelming motivator that she never had the chance to even consider whether or not there's anything she's passionate about. As an adult, i think she does come to find an honest passion in her career but it's nothing like what ema has, it can't be decoupled from external validation, and that's something she's come to understand as a bit of a weakness.

Then interpersonally i feel like since ema is much more personable and socially adjusted than fran, i could feel that being something she instinctively kind of leverages against fran to try and level their playing field. like, okay, franziska may be this bigshot famous prosecutor (just like edgeworth, who ema wants sooo bad to impress) but ema can find ways to embarrass, frustrate, or otherwise fluster her in social settings so that's totally the same as being intellectual equals right. right. right. (<- thoughts of a girl who is definitely being normal about the situation). but i feel like fran could kind of learn to be grateful for the lack of deference ema treats her with and it could be a real first step to them actually getting to know each other better.

i feel like they'd have a lot of similar opinions on the broader aspects of life. i think they'd both be fine with a more casual relationship that involves a lot of traveling for work and isn't particularly romantic by a lot of people's standards. and i think it would be fun for them to fuck each other. overall it just works imo. thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[20001541]

There's a small theory that I've had for a while but recently felt more validated after seeing what Hori said on the popularity poll livestream

The thing he said being this:

Which is interesting because we all know he infamously said back in 2018 that he planned on revealing Hisashi at some point in the story. Which as we know today never happens. So, it leaves us with the question, what happened?

Because in order for him to say this he must've had something in mind at the time for what he wanted to do with Hisashi. The first time we learn his name is in the BNHA Ultra Archive book that came out in 2016. Never officially translated into English btw so this is all we got.

Anyways this means he had something in mind for Hisashi for a while then, but then he changed his mind and kept him out of the story. He feels he put everyone and he wanted to put in the story and wouldn't change anything.

My theory is that he might've planned to make DFO a thing initially but decided it would be best if the story goes a different route and kept it out.

Because why else would you say you plan to reveal who is Hisashi is at some point only for your story to end with no sight of him? Not even a tiny mention. Let us not also forget how people pointed out that Inko's birthday 07/04 spells out nana shi in Japanese which is like Nana's name. It's also canon that All Might pointed out how her hair reminds him of Nana. So I wonder if he also planned on her being Nana's daughter and had AFO target her as a result. This was also something I found to be rumored among some Japanese fan forums. Even though the translations I got weren't great the little I could understand suggested it.

And even though I lost interest in DFO and stopped believing before the story ended this one panel has always stuck out to me.

Hori is insanely detailed oriented, like during Dabi's first appearance he's in front of a hair salon which foreshadowed that the hair colour he has now isn't his real one and was used as proof in Dabi is a Todoroki theory. So the fact that Hori chose to place the "my only family" bubble over a shot where Izuku is watching everything unfold stands out to me even now. Keep in mind this chapter released in 2018 which was the same year Hori said he planned to reveal Hisashi. Maybe could be me reaching, but still something to consider.

I'm not entirely sure of all of this actually and could be wrong. But it's an interesting theory as to what could've happened behind the scenes.

Another theory that I'm less sure of but can see it being possible is that the elements of the reveal he intended for DFO ended up being used for the reveal with Tomura.

Think about. It's actually crazy how similar the Tomura reveal in 419 was similar to what a lot of DFO fans were hoping for all these years.

AFO took on a whole new identity to get close to a civilian, he helped build the home Tomura would live in, played a part in Tomura's conception, he took away his original quirk, set Tomura up as a successor, and AFO had a big reveal moment that left Tomura devastated... like I remember several posts that theorized things like this about Izuku. The reason why AFO targeted Kotaro in the first place was because he was Nana's son and I remember that Inko being targeted for being Nana's daughter was a big part of the Inko Shimura theory.

I don't know for sure if this reveal was built off of his ideas for a DFO reveal he had initially planned. Really it depends on when he first created the idea of AFO being behind all the terrible things in Tomura's life and if he even had DFO in mind in the first place at some point.

But it's fascinating either way. Either DFO fans were right in how they interpreted some aspects of the story to suggest DFO were true and correctly guessed some aspects of the story that were recycled for a different reveal later on, or they were completely off the mark and by coincidence some of their theories for DFO ended up being eerily similar to how the 419 reveal ended up being.

[shotanzz]

hii can u do sohee as bf?

SOHEE AS YOUR BF based on astrology ~

reminder: this is for fun and astrology is smth I study for a hobby, these are all inferences based off of observations and not exact fact unless I knew him myself !!

Scorpio Sun: The stereotype that scorpios suns are secretive is so played out they're just technically shy imo im sorry LMFAOOO. Once a scorpio fully trusts you or has something they genuinely want to tell you they just keep GOING. And the same probably applies to him especially since his Mercury is in Sag. In the beginning he might seem hard to crack or not one to spare many details but once he's sure of you and you two are officially together and solidified oh he's a plain open book. Ofc he's not gonna pour every aspect of his heart out but being secretive really won't be an issue. He has an aspect of sun and uranus so he won't really act in ways that aren't true to him, his freedom, or expression so he'd practice authenticity even within the relationship so you better be in it for the real him !!

Libra Moon: Similar to Wonbin he'd be pretty considerate and would weigh pros and cons before doing anything to ensure fairness. His chart makes up of placements centered around truth, fairness and morals so ngl being equal+in balance is something he'd want for the relationship. Sometimes there's a tendency for Libra moons to end up complacent or non argumentative to keep the peace but I think it wouldn't be as severe considering his sag placements. Rather than being complacent he'd be pretty passive, he'd be willing to engage in trivial debates and significant convos but wouldn't break his neck to prove his point or show that he's right unless it was absolutely necessary. His moon is sextile his venus so emotional balance is crucial so he'd avoid constant disturbances in the relationship so you two remain in harmony; downside he might become TOO passive and too invested in harmony to where needed conflicts are dismissed or he doesn't express himself fully.

Sagittarius Mercury: So...blunt LMFAOO. Honestly Sohee probably says crazy stuff or is more sassy behind closed doors he has sm mercury aspects even some with pluto and mars. He might be conflicted sometimes, has moments of being super blunt and even saying stuff without thinking and then his libra moon brings him back into peaceful mode and he's like "uuuhm my bad". Probably likes fake arguing or small debates. Makes fun of you most definitely but compared to Eunseok it'd be easy for him to apologize if he realized it was too far or hurt you. Instead of yelling he might talk pretty fast and "word vomit" whenever he's dealing with big emotions or anger (especially with his mercury square mars) and due to this he might go quiet during arguments (if they ever even happen) because he knows when dealing with his outbursts he could say the wrong thing or be hurtful when not meaning to. Likes to be playful and even a bit nonserious and childish in convos and tries to make things lighthearted.

Sagittarius Venus: Sigh omg a bestfriend and boyfriend in one quite LITERALLY. Sag Venus has a hard time settling down because they value their freedom and life path so much and they don't really get into -serious- relationships unless they're genuinely enamored with you and can see you fitting into their expanding life. So once he's with you and realizes he's actually in love with you and it's beyond just flirting and pining he's essentially all in. Freedom will be evident in the relationship and there may not be a super specific power dynamic laid out outside of the cheesy "look at how my gf takes care of me.”. He wouldn't abandon his career for the relationship but wouldn't completely abandon the relationship as a whole either but just know there'd be an attempt to split both. He'd be loving and wouldn't be too restricting, flirts via jokes quite literally he would end up being the funniest man you know especially with that sag mercury on top. He values optimism and change and would implement that into the relationship as well.

Pisces Mars: His Sag Venus paired with his mars could show that he'd be ok with someone being the initiator or taking the lead but would still be ok with wanting your attention and doing things to get it (not in a toxic way ofc) . Like he'd want to impress you with unconventionally/casual romantic things or "best friend dates" that soon lead to more. Aw man he's probably a friends to lovers trope type of man like anton :((. Tbh him having a Sag Venus + Pisces Mars such a chill relationship like I said earlier it'd be just like dating your friend.

[adolfusraptor1985]

The Effects of DPDR (Depersonalization Derealization) On My Alterhumanity

[Warning: 1,000+ word essay below the break]

The connection between psychological abnormalities and alterhumanity has always been a significant and undeniable experience. I believe that more studies should be conducted to explore the relationship between mental health and alterhumanity. My own alterhuman experiences are closely tied to psychological challenges, and I strongly suspect that while alterhumanity cannot be fully explained by science, there may be substantial links to certain psychological conditions that contribute to it. This short essay will focus on the impacts of and connections between my identity and experiences with dissociation.

To begin, what exactly is DPDR? DPDR stands for Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder, a dissociative disorder that lies at the lower end of the spectrum of related conditions. Dissociative amnesia is in the middle, and at the most severe end is Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Depersonalization involves "experiences of unreality, detachment, or being an outside observer with respect to one’s thoughts, feelings, sensations, body, or actions." Derealization is characterized by "experiences of unreality or detachment with respect to surroundings." Together, these symptoms can leave individuals feeling numb, robotic, or as though their perception of reality is distorted. They may perceive the world around them as blurry, dreamlike, lifeless, or fake.

I have not been medically diagnosed with DPDR, although I have never seen a therapist or psychiatrist. I am considering seeking a diagnosis to ease my mind and potentially receive help. My research suggests that my experiences align perfectly with the symptoms of DPDR, and the condition has only worsened over time. I’ve spent the last few years feeling increasingly detached from myself, my surroundings, and my life in general. Everything feels unreal to me, like a dream or a TV show. Nothing seems truly to exist—myself, my actions, the people around me, and their actions all seem either scripted or entirely imagined.

So, what does this have to do with my alterhumanity? How does DPDR make me identify as nonhuman? It’s actually not the disorder itself, but rather the impact of the symptoms that influences me. My primary focus here is on the depersonalization aspect of the disorder, as it directly affects my sense of self. For me, depersonalization creates a profound sense of detachment and emptiness. I don't feel connected to my body or as though it truly belongs to me. While I don't dislike my appearance—I generally think it looks nice—I can't genuinely feel it as being "me." Most of the time, my mind feels empty, particularly when reflecting on myself. I struggle with "about me" projects because I can’t identify personal interests, hobbies, or personality traits. The few things I do know about myself have emerged only after the onset of DPDR. To cope, I immerse myself in work or creative projects. I often daydream about being fictional characters I’ve created, allowing me to embody someone with a defined personality, backstory, and identity.

This detachment from myself leads me to feel nonhuman. Typically, humans have a strong sense of identity, but I don’t. Humans are generally aware of who they are and how they fit into society; I’m not. Humans retain memories that shape who they are, but I don't. How could I possibly feel human if I don’t even feel real? Because of this lack of self-awareness, my mind attempts to fill the gaps with things that feel "right" to it—a fluffy tail I should wag when I'm happy, a collar I should be wearing, a walk I should be enjoying with my owner.

One of the few things I've been able to genuinely connect with is animals. Society and human interactions can be overwhelming for my dissociated mind. Growing up with a dog, I find my identity leaning heavily toward canines, though I still lack a solid self-image. I’m comfortable identifying as a dog, as that feels natural, but I’m not comfortable identifying as human (aside from biologically). This is where derealization plays a role. Concepts involving reality—whether something is physical, psychological, conceptual, or spiritual—are difficult for me to comprehend. Since some days nothing feels real, who’s to say that I’m not actually a dog? Why should having a human body matter if it doesn’t feel like me?

In short, my dissociation detaches me from my own humanity. Does this make my entire identity a disorder? Am I not truly a dog because this is all a construct of my mind? Could this even border on clinical kynanthropy? My personal answer is no, but honestly, the answer might be "possibly." The challenge with endelic and similarly caused alterhuman identities is that it’s nearly impossible to draw the line between what’s "real" or not, and asking someone with DPDR to define these things is like asking a four-year-old to solve an algebra problem. I barely understand what reality is—but when you think deeply about it, does anyone? My belief is somewhat divided. On one hand, I recognize that much of my alterhumanity is related to a potential disorder and therefore isn’t "real." But on the other hand, it’s a deeply personal and integral part of my own reality. At the end of the day, no science or logic can disprove the concept of nonhuman identity unrelated to biology, meaning this is, at the very least, not delusion based.

[im-not-corrupted]

Because I'm totally normal about your writing (you can hear me hiding a pile of your writing that reaches my head behind my back) can you do 6-Should I write you a poem instead? For the Valentines Game (yes I feel really funny for choosing that)

<333

Mar!! Hi!! :D I hope you enjoy <3

---------

Dream has always enjoyed gift giving.

He has always been the one to gift things to others. To adorn lovers in jewels, to weave tales and compose poems for them. It is no hardship; when he loves, he falls hard and fast, and often to the point of ruin. Before they reach that point, though, he has always found it delightful to gift those who have captured his attentions ways to assure them of his adoration, ways to prove just how significant they are to him.

It has never been any hardship, and Dream thinks it unlikely that it should ever become one. There will never be any greater joy than the chance to see one he loves taken aback by his gifts, than being able to prove his devotion in some real, tangible way.

There is a lot that went into the creation of the gift he wishes for Hob to have. He does not consider a gift until Hob mentioned one of humanity's popular traditions off-handedly—Valentine's Day, he called it, and though he claimed it mattered little to him, he also stated he enjoys the gift-giving aspect of it in the same sentence.

Valentine's Day is not something Dream was familiar with, before he returned to the Dreaming after that particular conversation to conduct some research. He had considered asking Matthew, but then reconsidered. While Matthew was certainly the leading expert in the Dreaming regarding human traditions, he has yet to voice his own feelings for Hob. Has yet to put words to the tangled mess inside his chest, at least not in the Dreaming.

He thinks it is obvious anyway. His realm has embraced spring, flowers blooming through the cracks of his castle, the sky a pleasant blue, the air clear and cool. The Dreaming takes all those feelings and puts them on full display for all his creations to see. It is obvious. He needs not voice such things, not yet.

And he believes Hob knows, too. They have grown steadily closer since Dream's return, thirty-three years late and full of a fierce hope that he wasn't too late. That he hadn't ruined everything by failing so terribly to escape his prison, to make it to their meeting in 1989. Dream has already stated that Hob is important to him, and has made an effort to be more present in his friend's life. Despite the fact that he has not put words for the tangle of feelings inside his chest, he has not made them a secret.

No, Hob must know. He must, surely; there is little chance he does not.

Of course, it is possible Dream has been misunderstood. Hob has been...reciprocative of his attentions, his stares lingering, his touches more purposeful now instead of accidental brushes of their shoulders, but he has not put anything to words either. Still continues to call Dream old friend, an endearment that makes the traitorous thing inside his chest tug almost painfully.

That, he supposes, is the point of his gift. He wants Hob to know just how much he means to him. Wants to put those thoughts to words; to stop dancing around his own feelings. He is sure Hob feels similarly, even if Dream cannot quite understand why; he would not risk ruining their friendship this way otherwise. It means far too much to him for that.

It's late, when he turns up at Hob's door for Valentine's Day. It feels appropriate, knowing the meaning behind this tradition, to give his gift to Hob on this day instead of any other.

As always, he is welcomed inside with that same, lovely smile he has adored the sight of since he was first gifted it the day of his return. It is blinding in its radiance, so lovely, and Dream thinks he understands the meaning of reverence every time he sees it. It is a gift in and of itself, that warmth, that joy at seeing him, and he is selfish enough to hold the memory of it close to his chest, to return to the Waking for the sole purpose of being blessed with it once more.

It has become quite a problem. His mind turns so often to Hob Gadling, to that smile, that he has begun to create dreams of comfort and succour around it. Lucienne's knowing look the last time it happened remains forever ingrained inside his mind, now.

"Wasn't expecting to see you today," Hob tells him, but he sounds pleased about it. Somehow, he always does. Dream remains ever-baffled by that particular fact, but is too selfish to risk giving it up by questioning it. "How're you, love? How's your day been?"

Inside his chest, his heart warms. He has no use for a heart, not really. It does nothing for him. He does not typically have one, either, but there is something about being here, with Hob, that makes him stray a little closer towards humanity. He can feel the warmth of Hob's apartment, the cosiness that leads to a sense of security, greater this way. He does not mind fashioning himself a little more human for the sake of those things, however unconsciously.

"Well," he answers. He swallows around the sudden lump in his throat. The gift in his pocket seems...heavier, suddenly, or perhaps he is all-too aware of it. "I have a gift. For you."

Eyes widening, Hob blinks at him. "Oh, do you?" he asks, and he already sounds delighted. It soothes some of the nerves that have made themselves known, and Dream sighs softly. "You didn't have to do that, love."

"I wanted to. You mean...much to me, Hob Gadling." It is stilted, that admission, more than he wants it to be.

He is rewarded with a faint flush to Hob's cheeks regardless as he steps closer to Dream, that smile growing wider. "And you mean much to me too, Dream. I have to admit, I'm curious now."

He digs his hand into the pocket of his coat. It is functional only when he wants it to be; he hadn't wanted to lose this gift to the galaxies that line it, not when it is so important.

When he pulls his hand away, he holds out a small, black box and holds it towards Hob. His heart is in his throat now, terrified and nervous. "For you, my friend."

His excitement is palpable when he takes the box from Dream's hand, fingertips brushing his palm for just a moment. When he opens it, his eyes widen further for a moment, until he eventually plucks the ring from the box. "Dream." His voice is choked when he says it. "This is..."

The gold of the ring shines in the low light of Hob's apartment, the ruby shard glinting. "It was made by my own power," he explains. "The jewel is a shard from my own ruby. You can...communicate with me through it, should you wish to." This, Hob has mentioned already—I'd like some way to contact you, if possible, he'd whispered softly, not long after Dream gained the courage to tell the story surrounding his absence in 1989. In case...In case something like that happens again.

It was, in the end, a small request. One he thought he could fulfil easily.

The silence that grows between the two of them now, though, makes him think differently. "Should I have written you a poem instead?" he asks. It is a lot, he supposes, to gift his friend a ring of all things, even if he wishes to be a little bit more with said friend. Perhaps he should've asked Matthew for his opinion after all. "You need not—"

Whatever he was going to finish that sentence with gets quickly cut off when Hob meets his eyes. There's a faint sheen to them, the beginnings of tears, and Dream has only a moment to panic over the sight before his friend slips the ring on his finger. It fits perfectly, just as he planned for it to, and he begins to say as such, but he's interrupted when Hob strides forward, closing the distance between the two of them.

The expression on his face is open, warm. "If I'm mistaken," he whispers softly, "I apologise. Please don't smite me for asking, but—may I kiss you, Dream?"

His heart jumps. "Yes," he breathes. "I would like that."

Lips quirking, Hob says, "Good," before he cups the back of Dream's head, fingers weaving through his hair and gripping lightly, and kisses Dream lightly.

It is tender. Warm and loving. Something snaps inside him instantly, whatever restraint he let hold him back abandoning him as he grasps his friend's waist and pulls him closer, allowing his lips to move against Hob's. It is lovely, everything Dream has imagined it could be.

Eventually, Hob pulls away, resting his forehead against Dream's. "Not mistaken, then," he murmurs between them, chuckling softly. He continues to play with the hair at the back of his head, and Dream shivers.

"Not at all," he says, and kisses Hob once more.

[magicxc]

Holidays

Pairings: Survey Corps - their fave holidays

Word Count: 871

Warnings: none

A/N: I considered Japanese holidays for this bit but then laziness got the best of me. Like most pieces I create with these characters a lot of how I envision them will relate to western/modern culture in some way or another. Though they probably won't celebrate half of the holidays I'm about to list, I want to reiterate that this is my idea of the traits these characters possess and also they are not real. 

Headcannons Masterlist

Eren  - Christmas

Eren is big on family, especially the family he’s made with Armin and Mikasa. It’s clear that he stands ten toes down behind them and when he gets his own family, it’ll be much the same. I actually think having kids will bring out the fluff in Eren and he’ll be that obnoxious holiday parent that's doing the most with decorations and presents. But it's honestly the atmosphere that gets him going. The holiday cheer, the kindness, the emphasis on giving - he loves it all. 

Levi - New Years

The new year signals a new beginning but also the close to another chapter. Each time Levi makes it to a new year he’s thankful but mostly shocked. From life underground to humanity's biggest threat, he never knows when disaster might strike. But, when the clock strikes 12 it's a moment of relief, one where he can sit back and relish in the thought that he’s made it to another trip around the sun. 

Erwin - Fathers Day

Lmaoo I'm not tryna make Erwin sound egotistical at all, but I was also running out of popular holidays. The day the Scouts headed to their mission to plug wall Maria was the first time we saw them get a standing ovation and it was also the first time we saw Erwin express such vocal excitement. Even though he can come off a bit aloof, I thought it was fun to see him in that way. That being said I think he’d enjoy being celebrated and can even play up the wowwwws at the macaroni necklaces and handprint construction papers lol. He would love and take care of his family obvi but it’d also make him feel good to feel that admiration in return. 

Connie - Thanksgiving 

You feed this man and he’ll love you forever. It’s his favorite holiday because it has back to back benefits. There's tons of food, a four day weekend off from work, and the opportunity to spend time with his family. He’s the type to pitch in money but over the years Connie has been more inclined to learn how to cook and has even started bringing in a dish. He’s most excited to try a Friendsgiving as he considers them family as well. 

Jean - Valentines Day

I firmly believe that Jean is a romantic. I don't think he’d be the most creative at gift giving lol but it’s certainly the thought that counts. On valentines day he goes all out - teddy bears, flowers, chocolates, etc. ya know, the usual. Although his gifts are very on the nose and sometimes he needs to be spoon fed the information, what he lacks in creativity, he'll gain in experience; learning to step his game up as the years go by. Again, sweet guy. 

Onyankopon - Easter

He more so likes the spring break aspect of it. With the flowers blooming and the sun making regular appearances, it was usually the first sign to what summer would be like. Ony enjoys traveling, meeting new people, and experiencing different cultures. So although spring break was meant to party, which he did, Ony always made the time to immerse himself in the customs of whichever country he visited. Now as an adult, he still indulged in his version of spring break as he always enjoyed the mini relaxation that it brought about; thinking of it as his summer outside of summer. 

Reiner - Independence Day

Reiner is over the whole patriotic thing, however he can't help but enjoy the events that take place because of it. There’s literally a bbq happening on every corner so he’s for sure house hopping for a plate. There's all sorts of sales and Gabi is making him put that wallet to USE hunnie. And while he doesn’t mind, he more so enjoys their time spent together. There's also the beautiful fireworks that light up the evening sky. And at the end of the day he gets to spend his remaining time with family, gathered around over good food and even better vibes. 

Armin - Mothers Day

Armin is def the type to dote on his wife. Hard day at work? He’s rubbing the stress out of your shoulders. Hungry? He’s cooking and prepping lunch for the week. Overwhelmed at work? He’s booking you a spa day. Armin literally adores his woman and enjoys any chance he has to celebrate her and Mothers Day is no exception. Expect him and the kiddies to hand make you some arts and crafts, cook you breakfast, and plan the holiday around your desired interests; with him making sure, at the end of the day, to show you why you celebrate the holiday in the first place. 

Floch - Halloween

He’s big on the spooky vibe but not to a concerning extent. Like many others he just enjoys the activities surrounding it. This is actually where Floch flourishes in creativity and fun. He’s making spooky themed treats, decorating to upstage the next door neighbor, and enjoying all the movie classics. Let's not even get started on the lengths he’ll go through to make the most life-like costumes and the parties where he shows it all off?? Top mf notch! Bonus points for getting some action at said parties.

[agentoffangirling]

Ranking AoS ships (canon & non-canon) bc I can:

FitzSimmons. If you don't have this as your top, I DON'T TRUST YOU. They are the blueprint, the very epitome of romance. If someone doesn't dive through a space rock to reach me on another planet, I don't want them

Dousy. Ik some people much prefer Sousa and Peggy, and they have a great relationship, but I don't know, I just like Dousy more. Maybe bc I want Daisy to be in a healthy relationship for once? But for only appearing in around half the episodes of s7, they don't feel rushed, and Chloe and Enver have great chemistry. They're so sweet together, I can't say much else other than I love them

Skimmons. Okay okay ik what a lot of people are gonna say, but I just think they're wonderful together. I've drifted a bit from shipping this, I do see the sisters aspect of them (I don't see them as sisters and romantically at the same time, that is WEIRD), but I still have a small soft spot for it. I think it's mostly Chloe and Elizabeth's love for the ship that sells it

Philinda. Tbh this and Skimmons could be switched, they're very close in my brain. While I don't necessarily feel too bad about them splitting up in s7, I like both the platonic and romantic versions of them, I think they were really great. They so obviously love each other, and what more can I say to that?

Huntingbird. 100% compatible 50% of the time, as Hunter puts it. I don't believe this to be the healthiest of AoS relationships, but not everything has to be perfect all the time. One moment they could be making jabs at one another, the next they're making out. Who knows? Their moments are a fun time either way

MackElena. I think what this ship needs is more time. Compared to the other relationships, MackElena doesn't get to share the screen all that much. I do love how they learn from one another, and they've always given me a kind of comforting type of vibe. They're just cute together

Simmorse. This feels like a relatively newer ship in the fandom, and I am all for it. I don't ship it massively, but I 100% see the potential, I think it's very easy to see that Jemma was crushing on Bobbi a couple times

QuakeRider. Just like Simmorse, I do see it, but I've never really been a big fan of it. Not that there's anything wrong with it, it has great vibes, I love the rogue x rogue type ship, I just don't ship it that much. I personally see them closer to older brother, younger sister type of dynamic. But I do see the potential

Staticquake. HEAR ME OUT OKAY? I used to like Staticquake a lot, but on my rewatches I see myself getting farther and farther away from it. It's not that they don't have good chemistry or that I don't think they're really in love, oh no, they have all of it, it's just not the best relationship for Daisy. There are more than a few moments where they're arguing, majority of the time Lincoln being in the wrong, and later Daisy apologizing for it? It always struck me as odd. I also feel like resolved too many issues behind the scenes, relying on exposition to make the audience believe they had gone further in their relationship

DekeDaisy. Idk if they have an actual ship name, so I'm going with this one for now. It's just wayyy too one-sided and doesn't seem like it would work anyway. Daisy was not in the right frame of mind for a relationship, and she seemed relatively blind to Deke's advances. Also considering that Deke sold her to the Kree earlier... yeah, it was never gonna work

Skyeward. It might get up one spot for the Framework version of them, but as it stands, the real life version of them is AWFUL. Ward lied to Skye on almost everything, hurt her, hurt her loved ones, kidnapped her, became obsessed with her, and countless other things I can't remember rn. They're so toxic and if you ship them (not Framework or pre-betrayal), I have genuine concern in your love life