#me when i take a break for three months and suddenly find i literally cannot draw anything

[lotus-pear]

art is humbling me so bad i’m actually looking up anatomy 101 for beginner artists

[actual-changeling]

still thinking about scully and mulder always walking like they're tied together and the small ficlet i started writing about it kinda. escalated. to no one's surprise except my own.

suddenly, there is only one room, and stuff is happening. SURELY there will be two usable beds right? right??

gonna throw the beginning out there to see if anyone else is also going more than a little insane over this. don't ask me about the number of my wips. send help

— my ao3—

"What's everyone doing?"

Mulder takes a break from running his hand up and down her spine, apparently looking at more than her for the first time in thirty minutes. She'd expected at least a modicum of weirdness when they tied their legs together—his right and her left, not that it makes much of a difference either way—but outside of the slight pressure winding up her calves, it feels, well, normal.

"Making plans, Mulder, coming up with a strategy to win," she replies quietly, her eyes roaming over their competition. In a room full of FBI agents, any kind of physical exercise usually created a very broad middle field with only a small distance to the first three or five pairs. After winning the paper bridge task (she has a degree in physics, after all) and absolutely destroying everyone else at charades and partner trivia, most teams seem to be looking forward to seeing them lose.

'Team-building seminars' seldom bring the agents together as such, rather creating a low-level animosity that will prevail for a month or two after it is over. Considering that everyone already harbours resentment towards them, both mocking and angry, they don't have to worry about pissing off the wrong people.

"Plans? What's there to plan? You walk or run, whatever. It's a race, Scully."

He almost sounds insulted that they expect them to prepare, and if she weren't already literally bound to him, she'd inch closer; her cheek still finds its way to his shoulder, the scent of shared hotel soap sending a shiver down her back. 

For once, the FBI had booked one room with two beds for each pair of agents—presumably because otherwise they'd run out of space (and money). After arriving around noon, they'd had time for one quick shower each before being forced into a conference room, and the thought of returning to a shared room in less than three hours made her skin itch in a not-unwelcome way.

Mulder absently wraps his arm around her again, joining her in watching more than a few teams try and fail to tie themselves together. Whenever he lets out a low laugh, she can feel it vibrate within her own chest, and the sensation is just as familiar as the curve of his smile. She cannot remember the details of her physical existence before him. Somehow, without either of them noticing, they have grown so reliant on always having each other in arm's reach that they'd stumble and fall if they were to find nothing but absence.

[greetings-humans]

this has already been said a million times but ig some people never got the memo so here I am.

when a fic updates and it's been a while (be that a month, a semester, a year, multiple years, a fucking decade or maybe several of those) YOU DON'T SUDDENLY GET A FREE PASS TO BE AN ASSHOLE TO THE AUTHOR

some things for your consideration:

the fic author is not paid for this creative effort and also needs to spend time actually supporting themselves financial

the fic author is not a robot that cranks out creative material. breaks are needed, sometimes people leave fandoms and come back much later. it is human and it is natural. some people can't completely obsess over one single fic consistently and also write stuff for it, and thus cannot consistently give you chapters. sometimes, "consistently" also means not as soon as you'd like. please find your brain from the lost and found and realize that if someone is updating and has not abandoned their fic, that is an absolute win and definitely not a given

the fic author is a human being that just so might wanna engage in hobbies and relationships (platonic and/or romantic), which takes time

you should keep in mind that it takes a lot of fucking brainpower to have an idea, like the idea, decide to write the idea, find the time to write the idea, find the inspiration to continue said idea, ACTUALLY FUCKING WRITE THE IDEA, and find it in yourself to publish it

you are entitled to nothing. actually, since I'm a nice, empathetic person, I'll ammend that. the only thing you might be entitled to is an edit at the tags saying 'fyi next chapter is gonna take a while'. you deserve no explanation. I deserve no explanation. if the author comes back after years to update I will go to the comments and tell them how surprised and happy I am and then talk about the fic. be a bit more like that please

if you don't like the updating frequency, consider DOING IT YOUR FUCKING SELF (and talking about it with the fic author if you got inspired by said fic, and definitely giving credit).

if you don't like the updating frequency, consider NOT READING OR COMMENTING ON THE FIC or just maybe READING A DIFFERENT FIC (don't like don't read is always in effect babes, this is fanfiction, if i started saying shit under every fic with a premise that made me grimace I'd have made so many people and myself so upset)

this is not one of those cases where you can make it other people's problem. the author has every right to take as much time as they fucking want. I don't see you writing this exact fic in their exact circumstances, so kindly shut up

okay, for real, though. you can't know. the author could be going through anything, including but not limited to childbirth, divorce, grief, mental health issues, physical health issues, schoolwork (not everyone is an academic genius samantha, let people take their time), friendship/romance drama. they could also, fyi, just wanna take a break. nothing wrong with that. it's actually the recommended course of action to avoid burnout in case you hadn't heard. literally who do you think you are to take an issue with that? their fucking publisher? do you have a deadline to meet harold? is your pay based on this? what was that? no? okay cool then shut it.

how fucking dare you complain about how fast a literal human being with an entire life outside of fanfiction can write literally so many words about something new.

btw this is what inspired all of this

one of my favorite fics updated after... well three months maybe? and I spot this in the comment section as I go to drop my own comment. literally how dare you. do you understand how discouraging and infuriating it is to see some random person say this about your brainchild?? im glad you're liking the fic berryl but if you have an issue with the time between updates, keep it to yourself, read another fic, or write your own fic.

[sylverstorms]

Cassandra x Maiden ----Anonymity Ch. 8

Ch.1      Ch.2      Ch.3      Ch.4      Ch.5      Ch.6      Ch.7

It has come to a point where you can’t even pretend to yourself that you don’t care for her.

All the time you spend with Cassandra every evening has made certain feelings impossible to deny, though you are too scared to name them all.

You don’t name the smile you can’t contain when she excitedly pulls you to the armory to show you her collection of blades –and explains, in a very animated fashion, about the optimal use for each one. You don’t want to know what the stutter in your heartbeat means, every time she genuinely laughs, pale neck thrown back, nose slightly scrunched and all. 

And it’s not just Cassandra you grow a tad closer to.  

Bela comes to you whenever the two of them have argued and goes ‘Tell my sister’ this or that. Daniela is apparently not allowed within a twenty meter radius of you, but she approaches to poke and prod at you whenever she wants to annoy Cassandra. She never manages to do either, because the middle sister always swoops in, fuming, dragging her away by the hood of her robes like a kitten.

Lady Dimitrescu is the only one as distant as the day you first saw her –and it’s probably for the better. You don’t see her much, anyway, not with how Cassandra takes you to empty castle wings to have you all to herself.

Tonight is different.

After dinner, Bela leaves with her mother and you go to help the other maids present clean the table. But your lover steps in the way and grabs your elbow, instead, hurriedly pulling you along.

“Do not tell me you’re seriously thinking to make me wait longer.” she says.

Of course, you promised to watch a movie you found on your phone with her and she’s been buzzing with impatience since.

That is, until a certain redhead blocks your way. 

“Daniela, move.” Cassandra huffs. 

“What are you doing? Take me with you.” the younger sister replies, brimming with childlike curiosity. 

“No. Go bother Bela.” A shooing motion is made. 

“Bela’s no fun. I wanna come with you and Alexia.” she drops your name so casually it’s startling.

“Wait give me a moment to think about it –moment over. No.” Cassandra states, fast.

But Daniela shoots forward and grabs your arm like a koala. Your eyes go wide at the same time as Cassandra’s, for different reasons.

The brunette immediately grips her sister’s robes, none-too-gently. “Don’t touch her, she’s mine!”

“If you don’t take me along I’m telling mother where you found that music player and phone!” Daniela answers, her hold enough to cut off your blood flow.

You send Cassandra a pleading look before they break your arms with how they’re tugging at you.

“On one condition.” the elder sister holds a finger up to her sibling’s face. “You sit next to me and you don’t move around.”

“…she’s warm, though.” Daniela says, all but pouting. “Mother says sharing is caring~”

“Find your own human.” Cassandra growls out as the three of you make your way to the main hall and the couch adjacent to the fireplace there.

“You and Bela have gotten the prettier ones!”

“You snooze, you lose.”

Cassandra quite literally pins you to the arm of the couch with her body, to keep Daniela as far away from you as possible. Even as the movie starts, you can feel her sulking by your neck for not being able to touch you the way she wants.

You are not as focused on the movie as you are cute way she plays with your hand throughout its duration.

-

-

It’s getting harder and harder to remind yourself of what they are.

Especially when, ten minutes after the credits have rolled, Daniela is still crying over the death of the protagonist. Even Bela comes to the hall and asks Cassandra what she did to her.

By the time she’s done dealing with her sisters, your lover comes to you sporting a headache.

“We’re leaving this wing right now.” Cassandra says and that is about all the warning you get.

The next second you feel a rush of air and your stomach leaping to where your heart is supposed to be; Your eyes only make out a blur and an augur of black flies.

When she comes to a halt you crash into Cassandra’s side with a gasp. Your arm aches from the pull. The world spins for ten solid seconds.

She laughs by your ear. Low and satisfied as it is at your disorientation –it reminds you of drinking wine by a fire in the heart of winter— you can’t help but bask in the timbre of her voice so close.

“Ugh, why is it so cold in here?” she complains in that same quiet tone you love.

It is very cold compared to the more lived in parts of the castle, but your body is warm enough from your sustained proximity and the rush of adrenaline she always causes in you.

“Oh, well, I can bear it for a little while if it means we won’t be interrupted.” Cassandra trails off and lifts your chin with a chilled finger.

Your lips meet and slide together in a practiced tango. Her manicured nails run over your throat and shoulders, making you shiver for reasons that have nothing to do with the temperature.

Both of you are starting to get really into it when Cassandra walks you back into the nearest wall. It happens to be a window, covered by a flimsy curtain. You have half a mind to realize it’s probably been forgotten slightly ajar, judging from the frost that graces your shoulder, but you have more important matters to focus on, like the brush of her tongue over your bottom lip.

Until Cassandra braces her bare hand over the unseen opening, to box you in like she usually does.

And-

She shrieks.

She jerks away so powerfully her back crash-lands into the painting on the far wall, knocking it down with its frame broken. You’re left there still and mute, watching in frozen horror as her face distorts into pure, raw anguish.

“Shut it!” Cassandra screams at you. “Shut it now, now!”

Your nerves suddenly kick into overdrive and you pull the window closed like your life depends on it.

What just… happened...?

In slow, cautious steps, you approach her. She’s clutching her hand like a wounded animal, baring its teeth to hide its vulnerability. It is the first time you see her like this. Void of control, bent over in hurt. Gasping.

Something in your chest breaks.

You look at her hand, to find her pale skin nearly crystallized, grey and breaking apart —like cheap china, like weak porcelain— into flies that drop to the floor, faintly twitching.

You thought… you thought they could just control the insects. That dissipating into swarms was just a trick allowed by their mutation. But now you realize, the flies are her body.

All this time trapped under the looming terror of the daughters… and escape was as easy as opening a window on them.

“Cassandra…?” you ask in a wavering voice when the initial burst of rage leaves her form.

She looks up at you, torn, when you hear the heavy sound of heels rapidly approaching.

“Cassandra?!” a different voice calls, this time, deep and authoritative. When Lady Dimitrescu rounds the corner in her immense height, your instincts scream to run.

But one look at Cassandra makes you stay.

Alcina halts for a moment to take in the scene. Then her lips curl downwards and bladed claws extend from her gloves, easily half your body in length. 

Oh my… God…

“What did you do to my daughter?!” she demands and advances on you, but Cassandra gets in front of you before she can truly threaten your life.

“I brought her here, mother. It’s my fault.” she hurries to explain.

Alcina stares at you like she wants to crush you underfoot… but then softens, somewhat, at the look her daughter is giving her.

“Come with me. Now.” She says in a stern motherly tone that leaves no room for objections.

You clutch Cassandra’s uninjured hand, silently asking if she’ll be alright. She turns, looks at you for a moment, then nudges your head with hers.

“...I’ll see you later, Alexia.”

But, as it turns out... “later” is subjective.

 -

-

 In Alcina’s Private Chambers…

It is not often that Cassandra is reprimanded by herself. 

She has never before been the only one at fault. She’s used to having her sisters beside her while Alcina scolds the three of them… except this time they’re outside the closed door and she is there to face their mother’s ire alone.

She can’t stay still under that yellowish-grey, narrowed gaze. Her fingers fidget with the edge of her robes’ sleeve to keep occupied, while Alcina takes that deep, calming breath she knows heralds no good things. Ever.

“Cassandra. Do you understand the severity of the situation?”

“Yes, mother.” She keeps her gaze downcast.

“Even if the maid didn’t harm you on purpose, she now knows your weakness. Yours and your sisters’. You were careless to allow this.” Cassandra feels anxiety rise up from the pit of her stomach and threaten to swallow her whole at that tone.

“I know, mother. Forgive me.” she replies quietly.

She wants to say that Alexia won’t use this knowledge against any of them, but she cannot bring herself to lie to Alcina. Because the truth is, Cassandra doesn’t know for a fact that she will not.

Why was that window open? Why?!

“You didn’t let me fix your mistake. I assume that means you will do it yourself?” her mother asks and Cassandra’s gaze snaps up.

What…?

At first, the temptation to chain Alexia up and watch as her blood drained from her lithe body had been sweet and strong. But now, at the thought of killing her –losing her— in whichever way, Cassandra is sick to her stomach. It is strange, because she feels like she is hyperventilating when she isn’t breathing at all and the world has tilted and—

Please don’t.

“Since when did you ever hesitate to kill, Cassandra?”

“…If.. that is what you ask of me…” she replies but she doesn’t sound like herself at all, not even to her own ears.

“How can I ask that of you and break your heart?” Alcina throws her arms up in exasperation. “I should have stopped this months ago but I thought it a fleeting fancy. I never imagined you would end up so attached.”

“I’m- I’m not-” she tries to protest, but her mother is having none of it.

“You’re not? You’re with her every day and she barely sports scratches anymore. Your eyes follow her everywhere when she’s in the same room. You instinctively lean closer whenever she comes over to refill your wine. Do you think I do not notice?” Of course. Of course she noticed.

Cassandra swallows, silent.

The memory of laying, too weak to move a single finger, on her deathbed along with Bela and Daniela pierces through Cassandra’s brain like a bullet. Her hand gives a violent spasm and flies break off to buzz frantically around her as she drops her forehead into her palm.

She’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it’s just so difficult without her sisters there. They’ve always been together, since the very beginning.

They were born together, learned to control their powers together, they died together-

Alcina is on one knee in front of her the next millisecond, stroking her hair and gathering her into her arms.

“Shh, calm down, my love.” she coos. “I’m sorry to be so harsh on you. I only want the best for you three.”

Cassandra doesn’t talk because she can’t, because she cannot wrap her head around what that flash inside her brain was.

“Oh, my Cassandra. I will not harm the maid if it will harm you, too.”

She waits for the eventual ‘but’.

“But I cannot let this dalliance continue any longer.”

It’s probably for the best. Her mother knows best. It is true, after all, that she has not been acting like herself, lately. So, yes, this decision is for her own good.

But.

Cassandra’s heart has the same reaction upon hearing it as being exposed to sub-zero winter air.

[thebiscuiteternal]

“Paper Scraps”

Post-Canon, Angst, Hurt/Comfort...ish?, Reconciliation, Discussion of Suicidal Ideation, Ghosts, Implied Sangyu, Mo Xuanyu Gets To Be Mourned, Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang Are Going Through It

Series Link on Ao3

__________

"To what do I owe the surprise visit?'' Nie Huaisang asks, and his voice is so devoid of emotion that Wei Wuxian has to bite back a shudder, suddenly very much aware that he is treading in completely new and potentially dangerous territory.

Nie-xiong is as dead as his beloved elder brother, and the Headshaker was nothing more than a mask. All that's left now is Nie-zongzhu, whom he knows nothing about and threatened the last time they actually spoke to each other in person.

Still, he sucks up his nerve and plasters on one of his usual careless smiles. "We need to talk, you and I. Just you and I."

"Wei Ying-"

He holds up a hand to cut off Lan Zhan's protest. "How about it?"

"And what, exactly, do you think there is for us to discuss, Wei-xiansheng? Have I not been behaving well enough for your liking?"

Ouch.

"Okay, I deserved that," Wei Wuxian says as he waves off his defensive husband and friend a second time, suddenly wishing he'd just snuck out and come alone.

Then again, that probably wouldn't have gone well either, judging by the wary looks he keeps getting from the handful of Nie disciples who linger defensively near their sect leader.

Okay... okay. No more trying to joke around. He takes a deep breath and lets it out, then straightens his back. "I'm here about Mo Xuanyu."

Nie Huaisang’s face betrays nothing, but the fan in his hand snaps shut with enough force that it's audible throughout the room. “Everyone, please escort our other two guests to the main gardens so that we may speak privately.”

“Zongzhu-” one massive bear of a man starts to protest.

At the same time Lan Zhan moves in front of Wei Wuxian to growl “We are not going anywhere,” and the tension in the room ratchets sharply to hair-on-end levels as the situation threatens to turn into a standoff.

Wei Wuxian pinches the bridge of his nose to stave off a building headache, then reaches out in an attempt to tug his husband back. “Lan Zhan. I’m the one who requested a one-on-one meeting, remember? Literally just now?”

“He cannot be truste-”

“Wei-gongzi, he might-”

“Enough,” Nie Huaisang snaps, the unexpected whip-crack of his voice making them all, a few disciples included, jump. “Let me remind all three of you that you came here and none of you are required to stay. In fact, today would be much improved if you didn’t.”

“Lan Zhan.” Wei Wuxian hisses.

Lan Zhan doesn’t budge, hand still tight on the hilt of Bichen. “If you harm Wei Ying-”

“Yes, yes, you and the Ghost General will cut me open and hang me with my own entrails just to start with,” Nie Huaisang replies irritably, giving a dismissive wave of the closed fan. “I’m well aware.”

Judging by the startled and utterly appalled looks that cross Lan Zhan and Wen Ning’s faces, that had decidedly not been on the list of options of what they might potentially do. But the descriptive suggestion does work to knock them off guard, and Wei Wuxian bites his tongue hard to keep his expression neutral as the two of them are herded out without any more fuss after Nie Huaisang makes a short gesture to his disciples. “You did that on purpose.”

Nie Huaisang turns without responding to the jibe at all and walks off towards another door.

Ouch again.

He trots after the other man and falls into step beside him as they enter a hallway that’s clearly not for public use. Part of him wants to ask where they’re going, if just to break the uncomfortable silence, but he keeps his mouth shut.

They finally stop at a door that, when Nie Huaisang slides it open, leads to a tiny garden so deep in the sect's keep that the back wall of it is cut into the mountain itself.

And in that little carved out cave, shielded from wind and rain and snow, sits a funeral tablet on a table shrine.

Wei Wuxian involuntarily sucks a sharp breath through his teeth at the sight of it, his hand coming up to clutch at his chest. Guilt wells up hot and stinging and bitter in his stomach, then higher into his throat. Dizzy, he sways on his feet and is only vaguely aware of the hands that catch him.

Once his resurrection had been revealed, everyone simply accepted him as “Wei Wuxian”, not “Wei-Wuxian-In-Mo-Xuanyu’s-Body”, seemingly having just... forgotten that the face he has now once belonged to someone else. He had grown so settled into this body that until the dreams had begun, he had barely given Mo Xuanyu a second thought.

But right at this moment, staring at the name carved into that tablet, held up by the one person left who had remembered- had loved the original owner of this body enough to memorialize him, he has never felt more like an invader in it.

His vision, gone fuzzy from the sickening torrent of emotion, slowly begins to come back into focus and, for just a moment, he is staring through Mo Xuanyu’s eyes into the worried expression of Nie-xiong before the lingering memory clears to the more neutral face of Nie-zongzhu.

He is on the ground, his head in the man’s lap, and the sudden urge to cry hits him hard. “Do you hate me?” he asks without meaning to, voice coming out plaintive and half-strangled by his effort to hold back the tears.

“You were the one who decided there was nothing left between us worth salvaging.”

“I did. And it was stupid. But that’s not what I mean, and you know it. Do you hate me for having this face?”

There is a pause, then a quiet sigh. “No, I don’t.”

“Why?”

“If it wasn’t you, it would be someone else. Or something else. Yu-er was…”

Nie Huaisang turns his head away, expression softening into a complicated mix sadness and pain, and Wei Wuxian finds himself thinking that while ‘his’ Nie-xiong might be dead, Mo Xuanyu’s Nie-xiong might still exist somewhere deep under the protective layers of Nie-zongzhu.

He swallows hard, then makes himself sit up and looks again at the tablet and its small offerings.

“Determined,” he says quietly, finishing the sentence. A tiny wet laugh bubbles out of his throat. “I thought… I really did believe that you had forced him into it,” he continues, and in the edge of his vision, he sees Nie Huaisang flinch at the accusation. “But no. No. He... really was determined to see it out to the end.”

“How do you-”

“Ah.” He scratches his cheek, then scoots to face the other man. “That’s actually the reason I needed to talk to you. I’ve been seeing- fuck, dreaming his memories, I guess… though they were more like nightmares, considering what was in them-”

“Wait,” Nie Huaisang says, holding up a hand. “When did this start?”

“Mmh. Just a little over ten months ago, I think? Or maybe closer to eleven. The first one was of your visit right after his mother died.”

Nie Huaisang goes slightly pale at that, though whether it’s from the admission of the length of time or the contents of the memory, Wei Wuxian can’t tell.

He gets an answer when Nie Huaisang gets up and rushes to the table, returning with something carefully cradled in his hands.

It’s a spirit pouch.

His hands are shaking as he holds them out to accept the tiny burden, and he’s vaguely aware that he’s gaping like a fish. “Huaisang…” he chokes out when he finally manages to find his voice again, but that’s as far as he gets.

“I… have studied a lot of ways of finding and contacting the dead,” Nie Huaisang says, and Wei Wuxian nods along numbly because that makes a ridiculous amount of sense, given the circumstances. “I know what the ritual notes said, but seeing that there was still something left of Da-ge after everything that had been done to him…”

He reaches out and touches the pouch and Wei Wuxian finds himself thinking of a gentle hand ruffling his (but not his) hair.

“I’m just sorry it took me two years to get up the nerve to go looking.”

But you went, Wei Wuxian thinks. You went.

He’d never even considered it. It had never crossed his mind at all.

“Eleven months ago, right?” he asks, voice still a little squeaky.

“Mm-hmm. I should have written to you about this long before now, but it seemed like every time I’d prepared myself to send the letter, something would happen that would remind me that… well.”

That we’re not friends anymore.

That you want nothing to do with me.

Wei Wuxian closes his eyes and rests his hands in his lap, still holding the pouch as if it’s made of porcelain instead of cloth. “I probably wouldn’t have read it,” he confesses quietly. “Or I would have, but I wouldn’t have believed you. I would have thought it was a ruse, a setup-” A tiny, wounded laugh escapes his mouth and he tilts his head back to stare up at the sky. “Maybe that’s why I started having the dreams. His way of telling me I’m an idiot.”

“A little drastic on his part if it was.”

“Can’t say it wasn’t necessary.” The pouch gives a jangling, discordant little hum when he pets it, the fracturing of the soul within vastly different from what he’d felt from Xiao Xingchen. The pieces feel smaller and fewer, yet heavier. “Oh,” he murmurs when he realizes why.

“Oh?”

“The array was designed to consume the resentment of the caster based on negative memories of the person or persons they wanted to curse. That’s why the memories of you and the flashes of his mother were so vivid when the rest of them weren’t. That’s why you were able to find these pieces. He really did see you two as the only bright spots in his life, so those memories were spared.”

Nie Huaisang makes a choked noise in the back of his throat, and when Wei Wuxian turns his head, the other man is looking away in a clear attempt to hide his expression. “He was wrong.”

“A year ago, I would have agreed,” Wei Wuxian mumbles. “After everything he showed me, though… I don’t think he was. I get it.”

He takes a deep breath. He has never talked about this, not with Lan Zhan, not with Wen Ning, and certainly not with Jiang Cheng, even if they are taking tentative baby steps towards being less awkward around each other. He’s not sure he should be talking about it with Nie Huaisang either, but-

“I know what it’s like, just wanting everything to end. Deciding the whole world can go to hell. Maybe I didn’t intend for the backlash from breaking the seal to kill me, but I sure didn’t fucking care what it would do to me one way or another. Nothing and nobody could have saved me by that point. You couldn’t have saved him even if you’d dragged him home with you like Lan Zhan wanted to do to me.”

“Wei Wuxian-”

He ignores the little flutter in his chest that they’ve at least moved back to an address that feels less precarious than the icy ‘Wei-xiansheng’. “Let me finish, okay?”

“Okay.”

“So... So... Ah, fuck,” he mutters, gently shifting the pouch so he can scratch the back of his neck, trying to catch the lost trail of thought. “You know… I never questioned the clothing I woke up in when I was resurrected. As brutal and nasty as the Mo family were and as disgusting as that little shack was, it should have come off as weird that I was wearing such nice robes.”

There is a quiet sniffle, and Wei Wuxian pretends not to see Nie Huaisang wipe wet eyes with the edge of a sleeve as he continues talking. “He appreciated those. Appreciated that you tried to take care of him.”

He raises the pouch to eye level, and it gives another little crackly hum. “And clearly he still appreciates your efforts, considering his method of dragging me here to make me apologize for thinking the worst of your relationship. So, I’m sorry for that.”

Nie Huaisang gives a watery little chuckle and swipes at his eyes again. “Accepted. Is he… Is he alright? I only know how to contact souls, I don’t know anything about tending to them.”

“Honestly… I’m not sure what can be done,” Wei Wuxian admits as he begins another examination. “There’s really so little of him left, I don’t know what will happen if a purification ritual is attempted. He seems to be more stable as he is than Xiao Xingchen was, but there’s no guarantee he’ll stay like that. Still, I owe it to him to find some way to help him out, so I’ll do what I can.”

“If it would be easier for you to take him back to the Cloud Recesses for study, then… then you should,” Nie Huaisang says, and Wei Wuxian is a little bit impressed that he was able to make the offer despite how much it must have hurt.

“I think he’d be much happier staying here,” he says, then tentatively adds, “But that would mean visits, plural, and while I’m definitely going to have a very long talk with them about all this, I doubt I’ll be able to come without either Lan Zhan or Wen Ning… probably both at first.”

Nie Huaisang rubs his temples with his fingertips, his expression cycling through a complicated series of emotions too quickly for Wei Wuxian to follow, then he sighs. “We’ll figure something out,” he says as he reaches out and takes back the pouch.

Wei Wuxian can’t help smiling at the tender way he cradles it against his chest as he gets up to approach the funeral tablet and put it back in place. “Yeah. We’ll figure something out.”

[jujutsu-headcanons]

Gojo Satoru general headcanons

Let's get one thing clear: this man is absolutely chaotic. He is always full of energy. His energy levels never reach below 50%. He is loud and proud, always running, and never takes a minute to relax.

Do not give him Monster. Shoko did that once and it took her forever to get him off the ceiling. Also, avoid caffeine. Shoko replaces his normal coffee with decaf and he still hasn't noticed the difference. Keep it that way.

He was the class clown when he was younger. He wasn't exactly a trouble maker, but he may as well be. I cannot word that sentence and I am sorry. Next.

All of his teachers assumed he never listened in class, so they always called in him when they thought he wasn't paying attention. It still shocked them every time he rattled off the correct answer.

Not only did he answer the question correctly, but he could also explain his reasoning behind the answer, and if it was multiple choice, explain why the other answers were wrong. 

This tall man child would march up to the board and absolutely fill it to the brim with work, turn around, drop the chalk-like a mic drop and walk back to his desk with the smuggest look on his face.

That doesn't mean he did the work tho

Idk how schools in japan work but we all know schools in America only care about the amount of work you do and not what you actually know so we'll use that for the sake of the headcanon: he had straight D's bc he never turned in his work

Despite not doing the work snd goofing off, teachers actually really liked him

A lot of people liked him and he was super popular, but he still felt alone

Fake friends, you know how that works, he didn't meet any real friends until he became a shaman

Clean freak. This dude actually makes his bed. He scrubs his bathroom twice a week. His desk can get cluttered but he straightens up once a week. He's not exactly a germaphobe because

He cannot respect your personal space and that's actually canon but let me take it a step further 

He's a slapper. Especially when he laughs. It doesn't hurt, it's playful dw. He hugs you from behind especially when he's cold. He picks you up and carries you around. He will grab your wrist, arm, or hand and lead you around even if you're following him. He lays his legs across you or lays across your lap. Puts his head on your shoulder. Platonic cuddling between friends is mandatory. He's just so hands-on it's ridiculous.

Unless you explicitly tell him you're uncomfortable he won't stop

Don't worry, if you aren't in that type of relationship, your no-no square is safe. Except, if you seem chill, he will slap your ass regardless of friendship status. His ass is also slappable. You can't tell me Geto and Gojo didn't run around slapping each other asses, okay

He was weird and scrawny as a child. He didn't start beefing out until he started training to be a shaman and he's still kinda smaller than most beefy boys

He can pick you up and throw you around easily. He carried around a 170 pound Yuji like a sack of potatoes and can easily carry around three times that weight

It's amazing he's so tiny because you remember 2014 Shane Dawson making all of those wack ass desserts that was just s pile of chaos wrapped in chocolate?

He can eat every last bite of one of those monstrosities without getting a stomach ache, gaining weight, or dying basically

He knows bc Yuji dared him to do it

He has really cold hands and feet

He sounds old. Let me elaborate. He's constantly cracking his joints. They also creak when he moves. He complains about body pains like he's 80 y/o

He also shares wisdom with the kids as if he's actually 80 y/o

It's irrelevant advice that doesn't make sense but is also useful. Megumi can't count the number of times he's asked Gojo for feedback on his technique but had been told to remember to chew 40 times or never go to bed angry

Starts off sentences with "now son" and "when I was your age"

He uses his blindfold as a headband when he wants his hair out of his face. He also uses headbands as... Headbands... When he wants to wear sunglasses but get his hair out of his face

He owns so many pairs of sunglasses but he always wears the same pair

He's only bought a handful of them himself, most of them are gifts

No one knows what to get him for Christmas or his birthday bc he has everything, so they resort to sunglasses

His favorite pair is a pair that Shoko and Geto bought him as a gag. He thought they were dead serious, though, so he wore them around for a month

They were heart-shaped, rose-tinted glasses

Can you believe this man doesn't use any gel or anything to keep his hair spiky with the blindfold on? It just naturally defies gravity when the blindfold is on

Tell this man he's pretty because he already knows. He's narcissistic but not the cringy kind

Photogenic as hell. Takes great pictures from any angle. 

He gives everyone a different story as to why he covers his eyes. Sometimes he says it's because his eyes are too pretty and are a distraction. Sometimes he says it's because the sunglasses/bandages/blindfold look cooler than his eyes. Sometimes he says it's to protect the six eyes from seeing things he doesn't want to see. The world may never know

He's tried covering his whole face before, but he thinks he's too pretty for that. He at least wants one of his many amazing features to be shown at all times.

So about his driver's license;

He knows how to drive. He can be a good driver. When he wants to be. He just doesn't have a driver's license.

Now he TELLS people he just never got around to getting one, however, there's a rumor he lost it due to too many parking tickets

It's amazing the only tickets he's ever gotten have been from that and once he got caught without a seatbelt; he would have gotten out of that one if he hadn't been flirting with the police officer so bad

This doesn't stop Gojo from driving places though

He steals Ijichi's car a LOT and Ijichi DOESN'T KNOW HOW like??? The windows are never broken and it doesn't look hotwired-

Gojo has a key

You're not even supposed to be able to duplicate car keys but Gojo did 

Also; none of the first-year trio knows he doesn't have a driver's license, though that much should be painfully obvious

He whips around corners, speeds up at yellow lights, goes "watch this" and does a donut, it's just a mess

The poor students have to sit in the backseat too. Just imagine Megumi with all three seatbelts around him like that one meme.

He thrives off of Nobara and Yuji screaming from the backseat, and he can see Megumi being smooshed because he thought the middle seat was the safest through the rearview mirror

Which he doesn't even need because of the six eyes

Despite being such a reckless driver, he knows when danger will happen, so he's never once gotten in a wreck

He blasts the radio, which makes up for the driving.

Has a habit of getting in a car and ending up in the McDonalds drive-thru

Steals other people's fries and keeps the fullest one for himself.

He was rebellious as a kid and teenager, but hey, at least his juvie record is sealed 

He's been detained and in the back of a cop car many times, but the reason was never really bad enough for him to be arrested. Mostly he's just being mouthy. And the time he got caught spray painting on the side of a building. And that one time he and Getou hopped the fence to get into the local pool. And that other time-

It got worse after Getou wasn't around to get him out of trouble. Suddenly, breaking the rules wasn't fun anymore and he mellowed out. 

Tried alcohol and cigarettes before he was legal. Decided neither was his thing, however, he did start drinking occasionally when he was legal.

He's a fucking chaotic drunk. Oh my god he's absolutely feral

Most bars in the vicinity know him by name and they sigh whenever he walks in

Shoko is his emergency contact. She hates it

Shoko has to drag drunk Gojo home at least twice a month and is not happy about it

Once she left him in an alley. He made it home okay so she guesses it's fine

Once he got so drunk he spilled beer on his sock. The thought the fastest way to dry them was by sticking them in the microwave. Forgot about it until someone asked, "Who the fuck is cooking socks???"

I feel it important he was in the break room of the local grocery store and no one knows how he got there

As he was escorted out he stole a grocery cart and rode away in it while singing Don't Threaten Me (With A Good Time) by Panic! At The Disco

He has no alcohol tolerance at all what so ever

He will literally just stare at you and giggle

It's funny he's really flirty but also doesn't seal the deal. Literally, every woman in that bar is willing to get in his bed but he declines every offer. No one knows why

Its because he respects women

He helps his students break the rules as long as they're within reason. Once night Yuji was really hungry and after having a temper tantrum he couldn't order Uber eats bc the school is supposed to be secret Gojo helped sneak him out to get food. Who needs curfew anyway.

The shirts in his closet range from like twenty bucks to the iconic rich bitch shirt the kids ruined in that one chapter we all know the one 

He still wears that by the way, he calls it "art" 

When he was younger, Megumi drew a picture of Gojo being eaten by his shadow dogs. Gojo found it and now it's framed in his room.

He keeps up with current trends and memes like no one's business. This is how he bonds with his kids.

Don't call him old, but also, he'll tell you to respect your elders it's a mess

He has a lot of games on his phone. You can usually find him holding his phone sideways playing some RPG game he probably spent too much money on 

He did hop on the Pokemon Go hype train but after becoming overpowered he got bored

This happens to a lot of games. He pays way too much money, gets to be the strongest in the server, and gets bored

He likes games where you can kill other people's troops and likes to watch as they lose all their power

I canon him as being borderline sadistic

This is why he's Sakata Gintoki reincarnated

White hair, sweet tooth, black leather clothes, dad vibes, never takes anything seriously bc when he does he's scary as fuck, the works.

He is Sakata Gintoki

He liked Gintama growing up. He watched a lot of iconic shows as they aired. He considers himself an og

He's hella bilingual

Because he's the strongest he goes overseas for missions a lot. Because of this he speaks a lot of languages and knows a lot about international cuisine 

He takes pictures of himself eating disgusting foods like snails. He never likes them but he loves the idea of Nobara gagging back in japan

Has paperwork sitting untouched on his desk from three months ago that he will not touch for at least another three months

Does the crossword puzzles in the newspaper every week

Uses humor as a coping mechanism and it honestly just became a personality

Constantly popping his joints. I'm sorry if you find this gross I too find it gross.

Probably brought home every stray animal he ever met ever until he was at least like 22 y/o

Tags: @wasabito @kittaliapenn

[featherfur]

Meng Yao should have been around when Jiang Cheng was running around with his head cut off trying to make disciples out of rogues and convince everyone to get started on the war. I just think he’d see this, probably manic, idiot who needs help and is 100% willing to be bossed around and who really doesn’t care about Meng Yao station in life because he’s just fucking desperate and wants to die but can’t because Yanli and just go “actually I’m interested”. Because Jiang Cheng would riot if he knew Meng Yao wanted to go back to his dad, and well Jiang Cheng is very pathetic when he thinks he’s being left behind (“You’re leaving me for the Jin just like Shijie? Tears and loud words for you! Tears and loud words dor a thousand years!”)

And Meng Yao would have a spot in Lotus Pier where he is VERY clearly wanted, he probably doesn’t become sworn brothers with anyone (or LXC and NMJ realize that no one needs to give the Jin any more influence and become sworn brothers with Jiang Cheng) unless it’s Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian (unfortunately WWX will still probably be killed or hunted at the very least but atleast Qin Su is alive? Maybe having MY around will help calm JC into the fact that LWJ wants to bang his brother and help him so JC can convince WWX to let LWJ atleast play for him, then maybe WWX can accidentally let slip about him already destroying one half and LWJ can help destroy the other half… Dunno if the Wen Remnants survive either sorry, honestly I don’t know if anyone can stop JGS in the long run)

So there’s two ways this goes: (under read more I have Thoughts)

Meng Yao DOES go to the Jin Sect still because JC gets wanting your Dad’s Approval even when he’s a dick AND he protects Yanli who immediately adopted him when JC showed up to the war with him. Without being stuck between a Rock and a Hard place (sorry NMJ not everyone is a annoyingly stubborn with their morals as you and MY is being hurt :( leave him alone :(( ) MY is able to continue being pressured without breaking and even though JGS keeps trying to get him to manipulate JC, MY won’t and won’t manipulate NMJ either and every time he goes to Lotus Pier to ‘look into’ the Jiang Sect he actually just spends the week being plied with children and listening to Jiang Cheng explain the fashion industry Again and talk about silks vs cashmeres vs wool so he just gets a vacay and is more prepared to stand up against his dad.

Also JC and Yanli catch on pretty quick to Madam Jin abusing MY because they were there after Madam Yu would hurt WWX and they know the signs of trying to hide the pain and Yanli suddenly starts Show Up whenever Madam Jin tries anything because that is her Didi now and she will protect him and if anyone ELSE tries to mess with him she will rip them apart like when Jin Zixun tries to bother WWX.

JGS does eventually manage to frame something on WWX but MY intervenes immediately by telling JC the truth and without the ‘did my kinda insane PTSD ridden brother so this?” Panic thoughts JC gets his people and is waiting for the force of Jin and smaller sects, with his two sworn brothers on either side. Because yeah NMJ absolutely hates the Wen but can he really ignore LXC and JC? Plus NHS on the side? He’s only there to protect WWX, anyone else can get fucked and even then he’s only protecting WWX because JC asked him too because NMJ thinks WWX sucks for choosing the wens because he’s very much of the one track ‘the wens suck’ mind. MY pretends he has no idea what’s going on but he does summon Jin Zixuan on ‘accident’ who shows up, annoyed he had to leave his kid, and is like “are we really going to accuse Nie Mingjue, known Wen hater, of protecting Wei Wuxian and lying about his innocence? Because his sword is the same size as my body and I’d rather Not”

(okay he’s more polite and subtle but that’s the gist) somehow Jin Guangshan dies, I’m voting Yanli poisoned him because I think Meng Yao is 100% willing at this point to simply take the abuse because Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen aren’t essentially telling him to murder his father and that he’s stupid for not holding harder to his morals (sorry NMJ,,, you just,, I love you but MY is hurting and he’s not as stabby as you) NMJ is still very much crankily telling him his dad sucks whenever they meet but Jiang Cheng gets all sparkly whenever MY is around because MY will say he’s Doing Good, so there’s only so much room before JC start just biting anyone who even looks at MY wrong. (NMJ says he’s proud of JC once and JC just starts crying and NMJ UnderstandsTM why MY won’t leave him alone)

But Yanli has to be the one to kill him because MY wouldn’t because he’s a filial son and probably hasn’t lost his hope he will be Loved, Jin Zixuan wouldn’t because he’s like the only one in the entire show not down with murder, Madam Jin is not about to give up the power and money that comes from being the wife of Jin Guangshan even if JZX would take care of her because Yanli clearly is willing to rip everyone apart who fucks with her family and unlike Jiang Cheng is willing to change the status quo, and if JGS dies on a hunt they’ll blame WWX so Yanli just poisons him slowly and he dies from ‘illness’. JZX takes power, Meng Yao is told he’s amazing twelve times a day because JZX can do busy work and argue against anyone but he cannot have a small talk conversation to save his life. Life continues peacefully, Jiang Cheng keeps kidnapping JZX’s advisor because he misses him. Meng Yao knows how to control literally every single great sect but he’s busy chasing down his nephews and helping Jiang Cheng avoid marriage offers to do anything.

Once Jin Guangshan died, LXC and MY both swooped in to have the Wen Remnants moved somewhere else to ‘civilize’ them (using LXC’s own words here) and WWX is very much caught between Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji arguing over who he’s going home with and he’s honestly never felt more Loved TM. WWX spends six months to break the rest of the tiger rally under the grumpy/watchful eye of NMJ who still isn’t happy anyone from the Wen’s is still alive but he’s weak to puppy eyes and also when he’s being strong armed by his sworn brothers, MY, and NHS (though he still keeps an eye on the actual cultivators, he’s pretty much forgotten the rest of the Wen Remnants exist he just cares about the ones who know how to use a sword). Wangxian happens, idk how I’m voting for a wild Jingyi another orphan decides that he wants to meet the Purple Angry Man and body slams into WWX’s legs trying to get to the Purple man and LWJ catches him and it’s a full on romantic moment of staring into each other’s eyes while Jiang Cheng makes disgusted noises and Meng Yao pats his hand and just tells him to accept it.

Or Meng Yao stays in Lotus Pier because Jiang Cheng has problems and Meng Yao loves a messy loudmouth aggressive bitch with a secret heart of gold. Also Jiang Cheng is the exact kind of Demi-aroace dummy to not realize Meng Yao has a crush on LXC and keeps sending him over to Cloud Recesses to help with trade or something and MY gets to hang out with his crush constantly.

MY is Jiang Cheng’s personal advisor since WWX is currently refusing to process his trauma and staying in a very traumatic place. MY does try to help but WWX doesn’t trust him and probably only half trusts him around JC, BUT MY is very good with kids and helps work with JC on how to slip WWX supplies while negotiating directly with Nie and Lan without Jin glaring over him this time, and Jin Zixuan is more than happy to help when he can because again he’s just like the only one with modern morals and wants Lotus Pier to be strong since if all the sects fall then well the fucking demons/ghosts they hunt will eat them. So WWX is slowly atleast not ready to kill him, Meng Yao finds out WWX already destroyed half the Tiger Tally and tries to get him to let NMJ and LXC help him destroy it further (because that ties the three sects closer and so WWX won’t just stab someone if someone isn’t happy about the Wen’s existing)

Yanli poisons Jin Guangshan again because I think that’s the best way for him to go, Meng Yao does grieve but also that lasts for three minutes before Jiang Cheng shows up with some children he found in Yunmeng and Meng Yao needs to explain to him again that just because the kid latches on doesn’t mean you can take them home. But with JGS out of the way it’s a lot easier to strong arm NMJ into letting the Lan take the remnants (JC and NMJ still aren’t happy about it but NMJ can’t fight the three other sects and JC is getting his brother back and he’ll take the Wen living if that means WWX is too) and WWX returns to Lotus Pier. The truth of the golden core comes out probably via WWX having a flashback or panic attack or something (or that one theory of Yanli knowing,,,) words happen, WWX storms off to find LWJ.

Meng Yao wonders why he likes messy cry babies but still helps out Jiang Cheng because they’re technically brother in laws and also because he really does care about him. Wangxian happens and now Jiang Cheng is really pissed but WWX also said he wasn’t going to just up and leave so they’re on a rotating system but honestly everyone’s just waiting for them to move permanently to Lotus Pier because Lan Wangji has this giant hole in his heart for kids who love Wei Wuxian and Lotus Pier is filled with kids who are Jiang and therefore are insane ans love WWX.

Personally I think this one is the least likely but it sounds very nice right?

[stillgirlfrommars]

you’ve got news

So, I already talked about this with @missmorwen​ and I know I don’t have the time to draw and make an actual comic out of it, BUT I cannot stop thinking about this SamSteve-post-engdame-fix-it story (with a dash of BuckyNat, ‘cause that’s just who I am) which is kinda crack and very rom-com (a bit you’ve got mail) inspired and doesn't make much sense, because... PLOT HOLES but * sigh * I kinda wanna share at least the idea so - bear with me:

So, instead of Nat dying, Steve sacrifices his Captain America powers on Vormir and comes back as Skinny!Steve and starts running a political blog called you’ve-got-news in secret, uncovering all kinds of shady business/corruption and becoming the bane of existence of every politician and greedy CEO - but it takes a while for his friends to figure out it's him who’s running that increasingly popular blog (which the new Captain America is actually a big fan of ;)). And the way that happens is as follows:

So, Steve almost died at the end of Endgame. The idiot (affectionate) of course still wanted to fight Thanos, but even with Thor’s Hammer, he took some serious, serious injuries which led to a tough talk with Sam, Nat and Bucky

Like I imagine, that while Steve would not have any regrets whatsoever about giving up his powers, he would still need some time to come to terms with the fact that he won’t be able to participate in the action like he used to. Even though, he actually wants and knows... it’s time to ... start something new, it’s still a process. So, there he is, trying to figure out who he is without the mantle of Captain America, re-defining the way he can and will fight against bullies in the future (cause there is no way he’s gonna stop that).

And to the surprise of everyone, Steve actually doesn’t press for participating in Avenger-style-fights anymore (he still does some of the practical mission planning and shit like that) but most importantly, he starts taking up new hobbies, like cooking or old hobbies like drawing - and he seems happier than he has in a long time, and yeah maybe it’s a bit too good to be true, if Sam starts thinking about it. But, hey, Steve finally seems to be happy so -

Meanwhile, Sam still becomes the new Captain America, and Steve is there while he is adjusting, finding himself in that role. He is there when Sam needs to talk things through, and yeah, it would still be a process like in tfatws series, but ... a little bit less alone, I guess. 

So, the new Captain America fights alongside Nat and Bucky - and it’s good, they work surprisingly well together, but also: those two are stuck right in the middle of a weird assassin!flirting situation (I’m imagening a lot of veeery intense staring at the other while cleaning their weapons or beating someone up, innuendos en masse, dark humour etc.). And frankly, it’s getting on Sam's nerves because they seem to be so oblivious about the whole damn thing. Neither of them is actually admitting to anything, no, they are too busy teasing him about the ‘crush’ he has developed on that mysterious dude who is running the famous political-youve-got-news-blog that gained momentum a while ago and is currently keeping all the corrupt politicians and CEOs on their toes.

So, yeah, Sam might have been caught a couple of times reading or reciting from that blog because - it has actually turned into a pretty efficient way of mobilising people to demonstrate for change and it did give him some tip-offs in regards to who the bad guy really was and yeah. But it’s not a crush... Sam just really likes reading the blog posts, okay. That dude seems pretty cool and they share the same moral code, so... whatever.

What Nat and Bucky and Steve don't know (and he’ll never tell them), is that Sam is actually kiiiiinda already frequently talking with the guy who runs the blog. Anonymously on both ends, of course (because for good reasons both of them are pretty careful about giving away information concerning their identities). And in a way that whole anonymity-thing makes it a lot easier to talk about stuff he finds harder to admit to the people who he knows directly. So, you could say, blog-guy has kinda become Sam's internet friend, but not his crush, no.

Honestly, the crush he is more concerned about (that he also isn't planning on telling anyone about any time soon, cause Bucky would just tease him and Nat would start scheming) is, well, it’s Steve. Because, damn, he likes their get-togethers a lot, the meals Steve's cooking are honestly to die for. They watch baseball together, they do museum-trips... And the way they can talk about (almost) everything... He just feels understood and... yeah, loved (maybe not in the way that he wishes for, but still) and it’s nice to see Steve so happy and okay, maybe it’s getting a bit out of control because Sam took Steve with him to visit Sarah and his nephews and Sarah kinda saw right through his act of ‘hey, this is my best friend’ and ‘what do you mean, I don’t have feelings- okay. Yeah maybe I do’ and told him in no uncertain terms to fucking do something about it and get his shit together.

The thing is, he’s got it bad. But Sam is also torn, because this is the best fucking friendship he's ever had and he does not want to jeopardise that. So, in the end he ends up talking about this with his Internet friend... about how he kinda has this huge crush on his best friend, and his Internet friend is like, ‘TELL ME ABOUT IT, big fucking same here UGH. And I feel like I’m being SO obvious about it all. It’s honestly embarrassing. My other best friend keeps teasing me ‘bout it and tells me to just go for it, but that guy still hasn’t managed to ask out the girl he’s interested in, so, what does he know, right?’. And Sam laughs - at least he’s not alone.

So the days go by (Sam’s pining only increases, Steve took him to a wine tasting the other night and he almost... in his drunk state... almost... but he didn’t) until one day, while blog-guy and Sam are chatting, all of the sudden the blog-guy is like, ‘Shit, I think someone's breaking into my apartment’ and then like, ‘Okay, yes they are’ - and Sam's like, ‘call 911′, and blog-guy writes back ‘mmh think I can handle them’ (and Sam’s like ‘WTF... I know way too many people with zero regards for their own well-being, myself included’)

But then blog-guy is not answering anymore, so Sam frantically calls up Nat who rushes to his flat and Sam says: ‘You need to find out where that IP adress is located ASAP - the dude with that famous blog is in danger.’

And Nat does that multitasking thing where she’s working on the problem while ribbing Sam about the fact that, apparently, Captain America's Internet bestie is that famous blog dude, and- 'Are you sure it’s not a crush?'

But after another minute, Nat sighs and is like, ‘I can't find the location, this thing is encrypted af, it’s impossible.’ Suddenly, she notices something about the setup of the encryption and-, ‘Hang on a second, it was me who set this up for someone back in 2011.′ And as she slips on her jacket, she says to Sam, ‘Come on. I know where we have to go!’

So they make their way to what turns out is Steve's (!!!!) apartment and find him in the middle of a fight against over half a dozen heavily armed people, and yeah - he’s actually doing pretty okay for himself ‘cause he outsmarted a couple of them, but also- they kind of outnumber him, so Nat and Sam get to work.

And Sam doesn't even have time to fully register what that means re:blog-guy until they have successfully defeated the bad guys. After that's done, Steve is like, ‘Thanks guys, but how the hell did you know I was in trouble? Nat... you didn’t bug my apartment, did you??’

And Nat tstsk and then she just laughs because this is priceless and OF CoURSE it is Steve who is behind that blog... (she's a bit mad at herself for not figuring it out sooner, and a bit sad that Steve didn't feel like he could tell her, and that he assumes she has is flat bugged but, also,... kinda impressed.) But then she looks at him with a warm smile on her face, shaking her head, saying, ‘No, I didn’t, Steve.’ Her gaze wanders back and forth between Steve and Sam and she humms- 'That actually makes so much sense oh my god.' So, she leaves them ‘to talk’ ;) and for Sam to explain everything’ - and then it’s just the two of them.

And Sam does explain everything and is like, 'So you're that Blog dude, erm...' He's scratching the back of his neck, cheeks flushed, 'Turns out, we've been talking for months over that blog of yours. I'm (insert-Sam’s-username-here).'- and Steve's eyes go wide and you can literally see him processing that information right then and there and he's sputtering out a light laugh, and he's like 'Hang on a second... I... umm, okay, I gotta ask. So, that best friend you've got a crush on...' Well, it’s now or never -'Is you, yeah..', Sam admits and starts, 'and....' They both laugh again and Steve nods and just says- 'yeah, it’s you, too.'

And then they kiss and yaaay, happy ending!!!

And then the epilogue would be about them having a nice dinner with Bucky and Nat a couple of months later, and the whole time, Sam and Steve are being very much in loveTM. The three guys are standing in the kitchen, while Natasha is in the bathroom and Bucky's making a funny quib about how sickeningly cute Sam and Steve are together - and Sam, well, Sam just raises his eyebrows and is like, 'You know what, you're not allowed to say anything bout that, you and Romanoff have been acting waaaaay worse over the last year. At least we got our shit together in the end, what's your excuse, you are obviously absolutely in love with her!', and of course Nat chooses that exact moment to enter the room, hand on Bucky's waist, dropping a kiss on his cheek and is like, 'What do you mean, we've been dating for 6 months?' And Steve laughs and Sam groans bc .... he loves his friends, he does, but clearly, CLEARLY they ALL have to work on their communication skills!

The End.

[lyallblacklupin]

Don’t miss the Yule Ball.

Sirius was already battling with their post break-up situation. He hasn’t moved on, but maybe Remus has, after the Incident with Snape. He has been forgiven by all of the Marauders, but he still doesn’t feel like going to the Yule Ball because he loves dancing a little too much, and to watch Remus dancing with someone who isn’t him is something he won’t be able to cope. He rather he will stay in than go and deal with another heartbreak. However, Remus encourages him to go to the Yule Ball. Is he giving Sirius a chance to improve their ties?

Tags: Post-Incident with Severus Snape, Angst with Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, Trust Issues. 

Chapter 1

The distress was like a cold molten lava, spreading in Sirius’ chest to deepen the void that was already created inside of him. He could feel it. The hollowness around his heart, but simultaneously there was something heavy. Like a boulder, sitting at the top of his chest. There was exhaustion in his veins, plummeting his blood pressure that made him unlike the person he used to be: steady, hyperactive, and energetic. He didn’t know what he wanted, so he let life go through him. He thought he may never live, might as well survive because he was not ready to die yet. There was still hope. A newly aroused hope of getting his friends back in his life after the two and a half month of shutting out in consequential to the Incident with Severus Snape.

Three days ago, James and Peter had asked Sirius to come in the dorm when he had been sitting in the common room, literally, doing nothing but staring at the fire grates before him. All of the Marauders, including Remus, had gathered in the dorm awkwardly.

“Look, Sirius,” James had been the one to break the silence, and Sirius’ perplexity, “Whatever we have with you is just too real and close that—we cannot just see you being so…”

“Different.” Peter had said.

“Yes, different!” Sirius had never seen James so nervous, “And we know how sorry you are for what you did.” Sirius could distinctly recall that he had flinched at those words.

“So…” Remus had begun, not meeting Sirius’ eyes, “We would like to give you a chance.”

Sirius had expected himself to smile or laugh in happiness that finally his friends had decided to forgive him, but he didn’t—more like, he couldn’t. James and Peter had been staring at him with funny looks on their faces, while Remus had a tired look as if he had been forcefully asked to forgive him. Sirius didn’t even internally blame him for that, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t hurt.

“Thank you. You have no idea how much this all means to me.” Sirius had said. He knew that time was the only key to slip into normalcy, so he went with the flow.

This time of the year, Hogwarts was illuminating with more candles, and stardust in every corridor. The lavatory sections had more irises and lilies, and the Library was filled with color-changing lanterns hanging in the mid-air. All of this was because of the Triwizard Tournament was being held, and the awaited guests from other wizarding schools were welcomed to avail the chance of becoming the lucky participant in the Tournament. The students from Drumstrang, and Beauxbatons were roaming around the decorated Hogwarts.

“They should see the real face of Hogwarts, dull and old-fashioned. Not the flowery one. That’s called deception.” Marlene commented, making everyone snigger around her. She never failed to catch attention.

“That’s called hospitality, Marls. Try to be positive.” Dorcas flung her arm around her to pull her closer so she kissed her cheek. Sirius tried not to look because it painfully reminded him of his rock solid relationship with Remus Lupin, before it crashed brutally after one reckless mistake. He rubbed his eyes because he felt tried. Again. He was tired all the time, but he didn’t like being in bed in odd hours. It made him feel useless.

“So, that means I get to take you as my date for the Yule Ball?” Sirius’ ears stood alerted at Marlene’s muffled voice in the crowd.

Of course, the Yule Ball. He loved going to the balls, and waltzing with the music. If there was anything the Black family had taught and he had loved, were the dancing lessons. He had always imagined holding a certain someone close to him, and waltz with them peacefully. This was his secret. He had never displayed it. After he had realized that he had a crush on Remus, he had always pictured him in his dreams, slowly swaying through the soft music. His hand holding Remus’ while his other one on his waist, leading him. He had never enjoyed dancing with girls. They were too small and delicate to hold, except Marlene who was tall and broad.

The night befell, and everyone filed to their dormitories from the Great Hall after the dinner. Sirius was quietly walking with the Marauders, highly tensed because he was in pace with Remus who hadn’t utter a single word to him since the forgiveness. James was loudly speaking as usual, his arm around Peter’s shoulder, while craning his neck in every angle to find a certain fiery red head in the flood of students.

“Evans! You and me to the Yule Ball, how does that sounds?” He called out once he had spotted her.

“Nauseating.” She replied, causing an eruption of laughter from the sea of student around them.

“Oh come on! You won’t regret!” He continued his show of stupidity but suddenly Sirius’ hand brushed the neighboring one, accidently. He and Remus responded at the same time by flinching away their hands.

“Sorry.”

“Sorry.”

Remus was scarlet in the face, and Sirius felt liked he had touched something electric. He could still feel the burning on his fingers. They walked in their respectful distance, and Sirius started to feel the same process of hollowness in his chest. He was sad. Very sad. They were never supposed to be like this. He missed Remus, but it all seemed like he had lost him forever. Remus had forgiven him, but not by his heart. And it was nothing but heart-breaking. Sirius felt a strong surge of emotion as if he was going to have breakdown in the middle of the staircase. He held the railing of the stairs, widening the distance between him and Remus. Sirius stopped there to breathe out, hoping his friends wouldn’t notice. However, his friends were nor heedless neither heartless. Specifically, Remus wasn’t.

“Sirius? Are you okay?” Remus retreated from the crowd to stand beside him. Sirius felt heated up, and not because he had any rage reserved in the corners of his heart or mind.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.” He tried to act nonchalant, “You go ahead. I just need a break from the walking.”

“No, it is okay, I’ll stay with you until you are good to go.” Remus’ voice was very soft, and Sirius wished that he never leave him, even as a friend. Remus was too precious to lose. Sirius stayed silent. He kept breathing in and out, until his heartbeat became normal. Suddenly, he realized that the staircase was changing with a thud, signifying that all of the students were vanished and gone to their dorms, leaving Remus and Sirius alone.

“How are you feeling?” Remus’ wide amber eyes looked into the dull grey ones, probably for the first time in a longest while. Sirius smiled at the question. How was he feeling? He was feeling sad, useless, pathetic, sick, disappointed, and hopeless and so much that wasn’t easy to name or comprehend.

“I’m feeling better now.” He answered instead.

“Well, looks like it going to be a long detour since the staircase is leading to the third floor. Four floors away.” Remus’ mouth quirked up in an uneasy smile. Sirius smiled back at him as they both began to climb the stairs.

There was silence hanging between them. Surprisingly, it wasn’t uncomfortable to Sirius because he had nothing to say which made his mind a little less chaotic. He had tried saying everything to Remus; the fact how much he regretted his mistake, how much sorry he felt, how much he valued his relationship with Remus, how much unconditionally he was in love with him. All explanations had gone into vain. He decided he had nothing to say.

“Here,” Sirius looked to his side to see that Remus was offering him a goblet of water.

“What is that?” He asked.

“Just water. You need it.” Sirius wanted to slap himself. Of course, he knew it was water, then why asked?

“Thanks.” He took the goblet from his hand. His finger brushed with his that sent tingling feelings to his body.

“So, what are you planning for day after tomorrow?” Remus asked sheepishly, smiling half-heartedly, trying to make a conversation.

“What is on day after tomorrow?”

There is sudden pause, and Sirius had to look at Remus who seemed slightly taken aback.

“I thought you knew,” He mumbled under his breath, “I meant—the Ball. The Yule Ball. Are you going?”

An ugly feeling suddenly jabbed him in the stomach.

“Oh—that. I forgot, to be honest.”

Remus chuckled awkwardly.

“But—umm…” Sirius hesitated, “No, I don’t think I’ll be going.”

“Oh.” Remus became silent then.

They were now on the fifth floor corridor, chasing the giant staircase to lead them to the seventh floor.

“Any particular reason?” Remus piped up, and Sirius felt his lung was lacking air.

“I don’t like dancing.” He lied. And SHIT! He lied to the wrong person. Remus stared at him for a little longer as if he was scanning him.

“You don’t like dancing.” Remus said than asked.

“I don’t like dancing.” Sirius repeated, hoping that saying it again and again would become a truth.

“You don’t like dancing.” Remus repeated too, under his breath but Sirius had heard him. He knew that Remus had spotted the lie, and now Sirius Black was surely labelled as a liar.

“What about you?” Sirius asked to erase the discomfort in the air. They were still chasing the staircase.

“Yeah, I think I will.” Remus replied. Sirius nodded, repressing his sad loneliness, but Remus continued, “I think you should go too. The ball is just not about dancing. You don’t have to dance, just have some fun.”

Sirius smiled at him because Remus’ voice is cheerful and encouraging. Maybe he could go. Maybe this was the chance to heal things in their relationship. Maybe Remus was giving him.

He kept thinking, quietly until they were on the seventh floor. The portrait of Gryffindor Tower was before them.

“Just think about it, you know,” Remus said gently, “Banana Fritters.”

The portrait door opened, and the common room was empty. They climbed to the dormitory when Remus slowed his pace to stop before the door.

“After everything, all of us deserve some fun,” Remus spoke tenderly again, his eyes softening and a hint of smile on his lips. Sirius returned the smile, but it was painful. He couldn’t get a word out of him. They stood there facing each other before Remus came close, and gathered him in his embrace.

Sirius felt like he became numb, all of a sudden. He was there, under Remus’ arms. Wide-eyed, his body paralyzed, and his blood racing abnormally. Trying to process how, where, why and what just happened.

Suddenly, hot tears obscured his vision before they began streaming endlessly. Sirius didn’t remember if he brought his hands up to hug him back but he was able to feel Remus tightening his embrace. He sobbed into his shoulder, and Remus let him. That was enough. It had never felt so comforting.

Chapter 2

[imagineyourworld]

Hey there! Could I request g. with Luke Skywalker with an inquisitor reader? Congrats on reaching 100, can't wait to read more of your work!

Hi,

Thank you so much <3

That's a really interesting request, I hope I can do it justice.

Love, Charlie

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Luke Skywalker x Genderneutral!Inquisitor!Reader

g. "Sorry doesn't fix everything."

Warnings: Slight age difference (just a couple of years, not specified), kinda self-harm, but not really

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You didn't consider yourself anyone special. You were one of many, one of many children orphaned during the end of the Clone Wars or the beginning of the Empire, one of many cadets in the Imperial Academy, one of many singled out on your fifteenth birthday for 'special training'. It wasn't until you turned eighteen and were sent on your first mission, the only one of your squad to ever receive a mission at all, that you realized that maybe there was something special about you, though you only managed to put it in words once none other than Grand Moff Tarkin, the Grand Moff Tarkin, pinned a medal on your chest and congratulated you to your promotion. That's when you realized that you were special, you were one of only a handful of Inquisitors, chosen and trained to rid the galaxy of the few remaining Jedi or those who still had faith in the doomed order, those whose abilities were too dangerous to let them live. You were good at what you did, if not one of the best, and had countless medals to prove it. Maybe that's why your next mission came from very high up, from Darth Vader himself. The day you met the second most powerful man in the galaxy would change your life forever, though whether for better or for worse you would never be able to tell.

-------

Vader had sent you to what had to be the worst planet you have visited so far. Tatooine was nothing but a pile of sand, two burning suns and more criminals and low lives than you cared to count. Though for someone high up in the empire, who received a generous salary, it wasn't too bad. Rent and food were cheaper than other places, so you allowed yourself the rare luxury of renting a small suite in one of the better hotels the planet had to offer. The mission itself was simple, all you had to do was listen to locals and maybe ask a few inconspicuous questions to find out whether there were any Jedi sympathizers left in this corner of the galaxy. That's how you met him, and how your life changed once more. Luke Skywalker quite literally ran into you the first time you visited a place called Tosche station. He was just leaving as you were entering, and since he wasn't paying attention to where he was going and you had no space to move to the side the two of you collided. Luke managed to stay on his feet, but you began to stumble and fall, only to suddenly find yourself in his arms. Wow, that kid has fast reflexes, was the first thing you thought, but once you got a closer look at him you realized that he was no kid, at the most he was a couple of years younger than you, though his out of style clothes and long hair made him appear younger than is actual age. "I am so sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Are you alright?", he asked, his arms still around you and concern in his eyes. You didn't know what it was, but there was something about him that made you stare just a moment longer, and heat rise up to your cheeks. "I'm fine. But I might feel better if you bought me a drink", you replied. Your keen eyes noticed the blush that crept up his face at your words. His reaction, and the overall lack of young people, let alone attractive young people, on this planet made it obvious that he wasn’t used to flirting, which brought out a strange sense of accomplishment and possessiveness in you.  “Just wait here, I’ll get us something to drink and I know a shady place to sit down��, he told you before disappearing in the crowd. 

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True to his word Luke reappeared a moment later and lead you to what seemed to be an abandoned farm a short distance away. That’s where the two of you settled and only when the suns began to set did you get back up. You didn’t remember the last time you have had a conversation like this, talking about everything and nothing. In just one short afternoon you learned more about Luke than you knew about most of your fellow cadets back at the academy. He was an orphan, living with his aunt and uncle on their moisture farm and though the two of them were happy with that life, Luke wanted more, he wanted to see the galaxy, a sentiment you could understand more than he knew. Luke was all of the things the people in your life weren’t; open and honest, sweet and funny, warm as the two suns above and quite good looking on top of it. In retrospect you should have known that it wouldn’t take Luke long to find a place in your heart, and your frequent meetings that followed after your first day together certainly didn’t help.  Luke was your first kiss, only a week after you first met him in the Tatooine desert with gleaming stars and a bright moon above.  He was the first one you told about your past, at least a few basics. You told him that you were an orphan, that your parents had been killed during the last few days of the Clone Wars and that you have been on your own since you were a baby. You told him about the loneliness and fears you usually kept bottled up and your unrealistic dreams for the future.  Luke was the first you slept with, back in your hotel suite, after you had treated him to a dinner nicer than any he has had back on the farm. It wasn’t like what your peers had told you sex was like, it was sweet and passionate and lovely.  And even though you tried your best not to, Luke was the first person you ever fell in love with, the first you cared about, other than the memory of parents you didn’t even remember if you were being honest.  Your relationship with Luke was both the only real thing and the biggest lie in your life. He had told you everything about himself, but you had no choice but to keep lying to him again and again, no matter how much it hurt. Maybe that’s why part of you was glad when, after once again reporting that there was nothing unusual on Tatooine, you were told your mission was over and you should report to the Death Star.  When you told Luke that you’d have to leave the next day he kissed you in his unique sweet way and whispered the three words you have come to cherish against your lips.  “In that case I think I should give this to you now. I had been planning to wait til our one year anniversary next month, but I guess that doesn’t matter now”, he mumbled, speaking more to himself than to you. Before you could ask what he was talking about he pulled a small box out of the messenger back he usually carried with him. Gently he opened the box to reveal the most stunning bracelet you have ever seen.  “It was my mother’s, one of the few things I have of hers. I want you to have it.”  You lifted the bracelet out of  its box, admiring how the stones shone in the soft light of the candles around your suite.  “Luke...”, you said, trying your best not to let your voice break. “I cannot accept this.”  You lowered the bracelet to put it back in the box, but before you could Luke took your hand in his and used his other hand to close your finger on top of it.  “I want you to have it, I really do. To remember me by. Besides, the colour really doesn’t suit me.”  You couldn’t fight the smile that found its way to your lips at his bad joke, neither the tears that appeared in your eyes. It really was time for you to leave this planet, to leave Luke, if you didn’t do it soon you feared you never would.  “Thank you. I won’t take this off, I promise”, you vowed as he gently fastened the bracelet around your wrist and then pressed a soft kiss on your pulse point.  “I love you”, he said with a sad smile.  Only then did it occur to you that he had said it multiple times now, almost every day ever since the first time he had said it almost seven months ago, but never once did you say the words back. Maybe it was fitting that the only time you told him how you felt about him was when saying goodbye.  “I love you too, Luke.” 

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Soon after your return to the Empire, and your first visit to the infamous Death Star, did you realize why you had been called back so suddenly. The war against the rebels was picking up pace and the Empire could use all the help it could get.  The next year was busy, you were no longer sent on solo missions but rather trained with the elite forces, taught to fly and shoot instead of fighting with your lightsaber, and then it suddenly stopped.  After the Battle of Yavin the Empire had to regroup, rethink its strategies, and fight a new opponent.  “We have information about an old Jedi temple, you will leave tomorrow and destroy it”, Grand Moff Tarkin informed you in his usual clipped way.  This caught your attention, and for the first time in a while your interest. Hunting Jedi, making sure no children strong with the force would ever find out about their existence and take care of them if they did was what you were trained for, what you often thought you were born to do. Suddenly it dawned on you that the last time you had actually been assigned a mission like this was before Tatooine, before Luke.  “Why me? I don’t mean to question your decision, but there are many older, more skilled Inquisitors.”  Tarkin simply nodded. “I agree. But Lord Vader asked for you specifically. You’re to leave for Dagobah tomorrow at 0700.” 

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Your short research told you that Dagobah was basically a slimy mudhole, but upon arrival it seemed even worse than in the pictures on the holonet.   “If that temple is inside one of those swamps I’m not even gonna bother, I’ll just set fire to the whole planet”, you mumbled as you climbed out of your TIE fighter, careful not to get your bracelet caught on the ladder. That had happened once during one of your first flying lessons and it had cost you almost a month’s salary to get it repaired, apparently the medal alone was worth more than you made in a year, from the stones you might even be able to buy a small planet.  The second your feet touched the ground you felt something dripping down from the trees onto your arms, which you could only hope was water.  Luckily, after just a few meters, you stumbled upon a path covered with mostly dry branches and pebbles.  “I thought this planet was supposed to be abandoned, but this looks almost like someone made this path on purpose.”  You kept walking along the path, checking your datapad every now and then to make sure you were headed the right way.  After what felt like half an eternity of walking you finally reached a small hut, which your datapad assured you was right next to the temple, though since you couldn’t see anything other than the hut and a million trees you decided to investigate there first, who knew what you may find.  A familiar buzz ran through your entire body, adrenaline and excitement preparing you for what was to come. With a slight smile on your lips you ignited your lightsaber, partially so you’d be ready for what- or whoever would be waiting for you inside, partially because from where you stood in the doorway you could tell that it was incredibly dark and the added benefit of a lightsaber was the soft glow that helped in situations like this.  Inside the hut was larger than it had seemed on the outside, mostly meaning that there was more than just one room. In fact, there was a long hallway with open doors on both sides leading to different rooms. The first couple of rooms you checked, if they could even be called that, were pretty much overtaken by nature and rotting away. There was nothing that spoke of Jedi, or any other intelligent being, having been there in recent years. It wasn’t until you were closing in on the last rooms that you heard a low noise, followed by a gut feeling that told you that what you were looking for would be in that room. Though since you didn’t know what, or who, exactly would be in there you entered the room with your lightsaber stretched out in front of you, hoping the red sword would make any possible threat stand down before they could try anything while you would remain in the shadowy hallway to glance inside.  The plan seemed to work, since you heard a small gasp from inside the room just a moment before you realized who it had come from.  “Luke?”  “(Y/N)?”  Both your voices were astounded, shocked, and mournful. Of all the people in the galaxy, why did it have to be Luke Skywalker you found here of all places?  “What are you doing here?”, you asked as you slowly entered the room.  It was then that you noticed just how different Luke looked, how much he had changed since you last saw him. His hair was a bit shorter, his skin paler and his eyes darker. And he was wearing an orange flight suit, the outfit was completed by the helmet in his hand, with the familiar rebel symbol on the side.  You turned your lightsaber off before fastening it to your belt, just in time because only moments later you felt your legs begin to wobble before they gave out underneath you.  Luke, his reflexes fast as ever, quickly pushed a chair in your direction, so you would fall on that instead of the hard floor.  “Luke... Please don’t tell me this is what I think it is.”  You didn’t know what made you plead, hated the hurt and fear in your voice, but how could Luke, your Luke, not only be a rebel but be hiding right were an ancient Jedi temple was supposed to be.  “If you’re asking whether I’m a rebel, the answer is yes”, he said after a moment of silence. “But judging by that red saber that’s not the only thing you’re asking.”  Luke astonished you by sitting down on the small bed you only just noticed, one of the few pieces of furniture in the small room. How could he be so calm?  “Why didn’t you tell me that you’re a... what do you call yourselves again? Inquisitors?”  You couldn’t help the inappropriate laugh that escaped your lips.  “Yes, Inquisitors. Also known as the only people stopping the Jedi from destroying the galaxy as we know it.”  Luke simply looked at you, an expression on his face you’ve never seen. He seemed to be beyond angry, though there was no denying the sadness in his eyes.  “Is that what you believe? That the Jedi, the few Jedi you and those like you haven’t slaughtered, are trying to destroy the galaxy?”  Not knowing what made you do it you sat down next to Luke, though you did your best to put some distance between you on the small bed.  “Luke, I know this might be hard to hear, I know some people, rebels and Jedi alike, probably told you more lies than either of us can count, but the Jedi are bad. They once controlled the galaxy, did you know that? And they used that control to gain riches and live comfortably while others suffered. They were selfish and deceiving and cruel and Emperor Palpatine was the only one who could stop them. You know that, don’t you?”, you asked. Of course Luke had to know that, know the truth. You spoke to him in a soft voice, careful not to burst his bubble too sudden, to give him time to adjust and acknowledge what deep down you were sure he had to know.  “Is that what they told you? What they made you believe so you would go around killing innocent children, scared old fugitives and all those trying to live normal lives after a genocide? Wake up, (Y/N)! It’s not the Jedi that are bad, it’s the Empire.”  Luke reached out to take your hand and for reasons unknown to you, you let him.  “The Empire raised you, didn't it?”, he asked.  To say you were shocked would be an understatement. You’ve never really told Luke anything about your past, you weren’t even sure whether you told him that you were an orphan, but certainly not what your childhood had been like.  “How did you know?”  He moved closer to you before he answered, reached for your face to lay a hand on your cheek. The sadness in his eyes was even more obvious now, so much so that it took over his entire face.  “There’s no other explanation. If you had known life outside the Empire, if even just for a moment, you would know just how false everything you just said is.”  You shook your head. Though doubt began to creep in on you, the bigger part of your brain knew that Luke must be trying one of his Jedi tricks on you. But as soon as that thought appeared you neglected it. This was Luke, your Luke. Sweet and kind and caring, he couldn’t hurt a fly, much less you, no matter how much time has passed. So was what he was saying true? At least partially?  “They told you what they want you to believe, never let you make up your own mind. I know you, (Y/N), I know that deep down, somewhere underneath all those lies you’ve been told, you’re a good person, and that person doesn’t have to heart to be an Inquisitor.”  There was an expression on Luke’s face you knew all too well. Hope.  He squeezed your hand before lifting it up to his lips to press a soft kiss on the back of it.  “Luke, I... I’m...”, you started, but with how much your lip was quivering you couldn’t finish your sentence.  “It’s alright”, Luke said before pressing another kiss to your hand. “You don’t need to say it, you don’t need to apologize. You know, sorry doesn’t fix everything, but it’s a good start. And if you let me, I can help you. You could start a new life as part of the rebellion, I’m sure they’d be glad to have someone of your expertise.”  As Luke kept talking your head began to spiral. Finally you came to a conclusion, and though you knew it was the right thing, you almost didn’t go through with it, knowing you wouldn’t be able to look Luke in the eyes afterwards.  Slowly you began to loosen your hand from Luke’s grasp and removed his other hand from your cheek.  “I’m not sorry. I’m not gonna say that I am when I’m not. Maybe what I’ve done was wrong, and if that’s the case your rebellion would never accept me, I don’t think I would accept me if what I have done wasn’t for the good of the galaxy, or maybe everything I’ve ever been taught was right and you’re lying to me. Whatever it is, I cannot say that I’m sorry, much less go with you, until I know the truth.”  You took a deep breath and averted your eyes from Luke’s face. You couldn’t bear to look at him right now.  “I know you won’t hurt me, even though you probably should. And I won’t hurt you, even though that’s what I’m here for. I’ll go looking for answers, to see whether I’m the villain you think I am, or the hero I was raised to be.”  As you spoke the last words you got up from the small bed. You could feel Luke’s eyes on you, but knew that if you looked at him, at the face you’ve seen in your dreams ever since you first met, you wouldn’t be able to go through with your plan, instead you’d crumble and fall into his arms, knowing he’d always be there to catch you.  Lucky for you, Luke didn’t say anything, didn’t try to stop you until you were almost out the door.  “I still love you”, he finally said. “Maybe I shouldn’t, knowing what I now know, but I can’t help it.”  Even though every bone in your body was screaming at you to turn around, even though your heart was aching to catch one last glimpse at him, you continued to walk out the door, out the hut and didn’t stop until you reached your TIE.  And just as you were taking off, after you have ripped parts of your clothes and carefully cut yourself with your lightsaber to make it seem as if Luke had bested you in battle, you finally did turn around and looked for Luke among the trees. And though you didn’t see him, something told you that he was there, watching you. It was that feeling that made you whisper the words you should have said to him whenever you had the chance.  “I love you too. And I’m sorry, for everything.” 

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I’m so sorry that this took ages, but I hope it was worth the wait. I really loved this idea and though I don’t think I really did it justice I have tried my best. 

[medical-gal]

Death by a thousand cuts

I have been thinking about writing this for months now. Even before I decided to quit the residency at my previous job.

COVID has been kicking our ass, true, but that was (is) true for most healthcare providers all around the world.

No, my struggle started a bit before that actually.

First some background, I have been working at one of the biggest most famous ID clinics in central Europe. The clinic is in a different country than I am originally from so there was a bit of cultural accommodating at the begging. But we were a big group of ID interns/residents/fellows and specialists.

I don't actually remember that much from my first year working there. And I couldn't figure out why, but then I read in some study that when u experience a high dose of stress and/or sleep deprivation for a long time, your brain kinda stopps being able to transcribe short term memory into a long term.

I was working 100hours/week, sometimes less, sometimes more. After a year and a half, when the last half I worked in the ID ER for five months, I always stayed after working 24 hours, sometimes over 36hours, and I would see and treat 70ish patients. Nobody from the older docs would help me out, nobody from other interns either bc usually they would have their own kind of hell to take care of.

The fact that basically, inexperienced doctors are taking care of patients never really phased my ex-boss. Her mantra was that if there was a problem that you cannot resolve, you can call her and she would advise you. Which most of the time was true, I must say that.

But we all have been young docs, barely out of our medical school garments, and sometimes as it happened, we could not recognize there IS a problem that maybe needs a more experienced opinion.

I am often confronted with this idea or more like a culture, of pretending that once you are an MD you don't need help and asking for it is a kind of weakness and that then you are forever on the list of WEAKLINGS.

And let me say this only once.

That's absolute bullshit.

Anyway, the first time I decided to quit I worked there for about a year and a half, I went for a long-expected holiday, I took three weeks off, had interviews and talked with my bf about my options.

Second thing...my man, bless his beard, would support me no matter what. He is almost 10 years older than me, so he has more work experience and I find it reassuring to discuss stuff like this with him bc I know he will not sugarcoat it. He said that I should dig my heels in and last at least one more year till the end of my "internship". As a "resident" who worked at this specific department, I wouldn't have a problem finding another job. We r basically the equivalent of a french legion of medical professionals (when u work in this specific department and everyone knows it, I will come back to that later).

So I took his advice. Thankfully as a part of our training, one of those parts is a year-long internship at the internal medicine department, which I did shortly after we had that conversation and guys, that was a revelation of how medicine and just...work and life can be experienced. There were enough docs for a floor, an attending who had the time to manage and advise us. I´ve grown that year as a doc so much. Other internships were mandatory so I could have become (equivalent of) a resident, and it was a general surgery, anesthesiology, radiology, microbiology etc. But I did them all and became a resident.

The moment I came back to our clinic, my boss would put me in our outpatient department. Which I have never worked on before. The head of the department has quit a few months before, and I had no idea what to do there, bc it's a very different type work. The only thing my boss told me when I spoke of my concerns were "you will learn".

Thankfully the previous head of the department was a good friend of mine and she would always answer my questions and requests. Suddenly I no longer had to deal with the hectic life of an ID floor or ER, no sepsis, meningitis, etc.

Most of my patients were the chronic type...Lyme, chlamydia, mycoplasma... let's say it literally drained the life out of me. But I managed. Also, I started to work for their outpatient office which takes care of patients with chronic hepatatis. That I enjoyed more.

I also started to dip my toes in vaccinology, either planned like for travel but I started to be more interested in preventive care in the immunocompromised and my own phantasmagoria was to make a palliative care team in our hospital. Bc, we had none. And then a wonderful thing happened, other docs, older experienced, great at their work, started to refer their patients to me specifically.

There were more examples of the utter a complete FUCK U(s) which were kindly provided either by the system or by the head of the department or the hospital.

Then covid hit and the shit hit the interstellar space.

I still can't make myself remember the first few months bc it actually causes me to go into a rage fit, and honestly, I am done with that kind of negativity.

I hold out for a year. Year of such shitty treatment from the chief and our hospital head. No thank you- s or you are doing a good job or we r all on the same ship.

No.

People will say that I quit bc of the money. And that's not true, tho it did irk me a bit. All the other ID specialists working at different hospitals would get covid bonuses every month. We got jack shit. Again, the best biggest most know ID clinic. We were the first and oftern the ONLY ones who would test for/diagnose/hospitalize/treat a patient who had covid FOR MONTHS in the beginning.

I mean, the medical community is small, the ID community even smaller so yes, we were able to compare and contrast the work at different ID departments in other hospitals bc our friends worked there. And all of them would go speechless when they would hear from us what we were living thru.

At one point at the beginning of the pandemic, ALL the ambulances would go thru our ER department and we were supposed to decide where the patient should go.

AN EXAMPLE

Ambulance with a woman who has known colon cancer, had a fever, stomach as a rock and is projectile vomiting. I was supposed to decide where she should go and the surgeon would be super pissed when I said that I don't think she has COVID but without PCR I can't be sure but I think there is a bigger pressing issue. I remember him saying:

"well if anyone else gets infected at our department and dies, it's on you."

fun.

There were other examples of seriously stressful episodes which I and my coworkers lived thru, for which we were not trained for, advised, or properly supervised. At a certain point, I started to take anxiolytics before and during my all-nighters bc I didn't know what I would do with all that stress which was so callously shat on me and my coworkers.

For a few months, I stopped working nights, only thru the mercy of my coworkers who saw how exhausted I was and would take my shifts.

Anyway, after only two months I had to start working nights bc I needed the money. The basic pay for docs was just not enough without the extra from night shifts. Talk about exploiting.

The moment however when I decided to QUIT, when I was DONE, when I actually heard my heart break, was the moment at the end of the previous year. They decided to start vaccinating in our tiny small vaccination centre. Let's say a "shit storm" brewing is the light version of events that ensued.

But basically, as I was trying to discuss with my boss that we are all exhausted, that this wave is not slowing down and that throwing more work at us, the docs and nurses and other staff, who are overworked, is not a good idea,

What she basically said to me is that who says things like that is lazy and that if she can handle it everyone must be also.

The thing is..most of us were at the bring. Some would handle it with casual and calous sex, drugs (legal or not), a bottle of wine before sleep. A coworker ended up with antipsychotics.

But u know,

we were all lazy apperently.

I realized there is no way out of this other than quitting. I could not continue being so tired and sad all the time. I took two weeks off, really thought about it. Had diarrhoea and nausea for a week as I realized I will have to quit :D

On a Monday I came back, handed in my notice. Basically what she told me and how she reacted made me realized how right the decision was.

I had to stay there for another three months bc that's the law, but my mood changed significantly.

I got another job in a smaller ID department, working with amazingly kind people, but that's another story.

But that was the only interview I actually looked for and did. I, however, did get several job offers from different types of medicine. From heads of different departments in my old hospital to smaller general medicine chain offices who are looking for ID specialists, to insurance companies.

Like I said, french legion.

Or Runway and your boss is Miranda Pristley. Once u survive that, u survive anything.

But at my old work they would keep hitting you with wave after wave of passive agressive comments about how if u quit, u wont be able to find anything as"prestigious" as this.

There were many other exmaples of a shitty and questionable situations which were treated as "normal" but there is not point on getting on that rage train.

Contrary as it might seem, I am greatful I got to live thru this, good and bad, bc now I know what I am and am not willing to sacrifice for a job. No matter how much I might love it.

[pawsitivelymiraculous]

Le parfum de l'amour

This is the @maribat-secret-santa-2020 piece for @saltandfluff I am so sorry for being late!

Anyway, I will be using the quantic kids, but you don't necessary have to know them to understand this fic.

The only have to know that "Melodie" is Allegra's nickname.

Ao3

It was always a bad idea to try to mess with fate. Everyone knew this. Allegra knew this, but she didn't care. Not when it was taking a toll on her sanity.

There were only so many times a person could see two literal soulmates walk past each other before they decided to take matters into their own hands.

So that's what she did.

Or well, was going to do once she could convince her friends to help her out.

"I don't know, Mel." Allan rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "These things take time you know? You cannot rush it." He glanced at the corkboard that was behind Allegra and winced, it was going to be impossible to talk her out of the crazy plan.

On the corkboard, there were two pictures. One was a selfie of Marinette Dupain-cheng. A twenty-year-old who was a regular at the café where Allegra and Claude worked at. After chatting with her in the mornings, Allegra decided to adopt the girl, and she introduced her to the rest of the group. She quickly became friends with Allan and surprisingly enough, with Felix as well.

The second picture was a rather blurry photo that was clearly taken from afar. You could sort of make out the image of Timothy Drake. The sleep-deprived twenty-one-year-old who had started going to the café for about a month. All the employees loved him because he never failed to amuse everyone with his half-asleep antics.

The one thing that both pictures had in common was a coffee cup.

On Marinette's collarbone, there was a small tattoo-like mark that looked like a coffee cup. The same one that was on Tim's wrist. Soul marks . Granted, they looked a bit plain compared to most people's soul marks, but in Allegra's eyes, they were the excuse she needed to get them together.

Allegra had shipped her two favorite customers long before she noticed their soul marks. But now that she knew they were soulmates . Well, she was not going to rest until they finally met.

"I'm not trying to rush things!" Allegra insisted. "I just want to push them in the right direction."

Allan looked at her, doubtful. "That's basically the same thing. Plus do actually think that," he squinted to read the list of plans that was tacked on the corkboard. "'Locking them inside a room with no escape' is merely pushing them in the right direction? 'Cause I think that sounds more like a hostage situation."

Allegra glared at him. "You know what? I don't need your help. Claude will help me. Right, Claude?"

Claude looked at her with wide eyes. "Oh no no no. Sorry Melodie but I can't."

"Uh, I'm sorry what?" Allegra blinked. It was very out of character for Claude to turn down the opportunity to help her with one of her elaborate plans. Not to mention that in this case, they were doing it to help Marinette.

"Allegra," he said solemnly, "this is a destiny thing. We just can't interfere."

Allegra facepalmed. "You can't be serious."

Claude looked at her dead in the eye. "If we interfere we might end up," he leaned towards  her and whispered " cursed"

"Oh give me a break." Allegra pushed Claude away. "Are you guys kidding me? This is Marinette we're talking about. You all can't possibly think that Marinette wouldn't want to meet her soulmate, and as her friends, we have to help her."

"I agree with Allegra."

Everyone spun around in surprise.

Felix rolled his eyes at his friends' incredulous expressions. "What? Marinette is my friend as well. Is it really that shocking that I want to see her happy?" The three of them nodded. He ignored them. "Besides, I've heard Marinette ramble about soulmates nonstop, so it's clear that meeting hers is what she would want."

Allegra was the first to react "See guys? Even Felix agrees with me!"

Felix huffed. "Yes, but I also think that your plans are ridiculous and ineffective."

"Ouch"

"I think the best thing we can do to help is to get them to interact and we-"

"That's literally what my plans are for!" Allegra interrupted.

Claude crossed his arms. "And what do you mean by 'we'? I haven't agreed to do anything."

Shooting both of them a glare, Felix continued. "- can do that without needing to kidnap them. We simply have to make it so that they have no other choice but to sit at the same table at the café. You all know how friendly Marinette is, it will only be a matter of time before they start talking."

There was a beat of silence.

"That… that might actually work," Allan admitted. "Soulmates are naturally drawn to each other so once they actually have a conversation we won't have to do anything else. They can figure out that they're soulmates by themselves." He paused and then chuckled. "We'll just have to push them in the right direction."

"But how are we going to get them in the café at the same time?" Allegra asked. "Tim always comes in right after Mari has left."

"Pft that's easy!" Claude exclaimed. "Just tell her that you need help with something and that you'll need for her to stay a while longer at the café. Since Mari doesn't have early classes on Wednesday she'll agree and- oh!" Claude suddenly slapped his hand over his mouth as his eyes widened with horror. "This does not mean that I'm helping." He mumbled from underneath his hand.

Allan laughed. "I think you just did."

"Looks like someone's going to end up cursed." Allegra singed songed. "Not even ladybug is going to be able to help you with that bad luck that's to come." She teased.

Claude pouted. "Haha, laugh all you want." He then looked up at the corkboard and grimaced. "But you're right, there's no turning back now. What do you need me to do?"

Allegra clapped her hands in glee.

"Okay so here's the plan."

~♡~♡~♡~

Just like Claude had predicted, it was incredibly easy to convince Marinette to stay at the café. All that was left to do was orchestrate everything just so that the two soulmates had to sit at the same table.

It was easier said than done but after enlisting more people to help out, they were able to make sure that the café was full for that morning.

Everything was going according to plan…

Until…

"WHERE. IS. TIM?"

Claude looked around. "He hasn't arrived yet?"

"No!" Allegra cried. She glanced down at her watch and winced. They were running out of time.

Claude frowned. "And you know, it would have been nice if Marinette hadn't chosen today to wear a turtleneck."

Allegra couldn't help but agree. Sure, Marinette looked amazing with the turtleneck and skirt outfit but did she really have to wear it today? When they needed for her to show off her soul mark?

It was like the universe was against them.

But finally, Allegra heard a tinkling sound at the door. She spun around praying that it was Tim.

And it was!

He looked more tired than usual as he stumbled around trying to find a seat.

Allegra watched as Tim danced around the tables that were being occupied just as he was about to take a seat.

One after the other until finally, a good push later, he ended up at Marinette's table.

~♡~♡~♡~

Tim was too tired to deal with this.

All he wanted was to sit down, have a couple of cups of coffee at his favorite coffee shop and finally be awake enough to continue investigating the moth guy.

But apparently, that was too much to ask because almost all the tables were full.

"Sorry man," Claude whispered as he guided a couple and motioned them to sit at the table that Tim had beelined for.

"Oh, actually I'm waiting for Adam." Felix had said when Tim asked if he could sit with him. Which was strange since Adam had said that he was waiting for Felix when he asked him.

But he could barely comprehend what they were saying, so he was not conscious enough to complain.

Tim continued on his journey when he felt someone push him from behind. In his half-asleep haze, Tim lunged at the chair that was in front of him hoping that it would break his fall.

It took him a few seconds to recover. He wanted nothing more than to pass out right then and there, splayed out on a coffee shop chair as everyone stared at him wondering if he was drunk.

He too wondered if he was drunk, but he couldn't remember the last time he'd slept so if he was drunk, he was not going to figure it out on his own.

When he finally looked up, his eyes met with a pair of beautiful bluebell eyes.

~♡~♡~♡~

Marinette watched as a guy stumbled around the café until finally flopping onto the other chair at her table.

It was clear that he was sleep-deprived. She had seen enough videos that her evil friends had taken when she was in a similar state to know the poor guy probably hadn't slept at all for the last week or so.

Marinette wanted nothing more than to drag the guy to the nearest bed or couch and wrap him up in a bunch of blankets. Just because she didn't comprehend the term "self-care" for herself  didn't make Marinette any less of a "mom friend"

But she had to remind herself that she didn't know the guy, so it might be considered kidnapping to drag someone somewhere against their will.

Too bad.

The best she could do was offer him her own coffee.

"Hey, I think you need this more than I do at the moment." She said, pushing the drink his way as he stood up.

He mumbled something that could be interpreted as a "thank you" and eagerly took the drink. His eyes lit up when the heavenly liquid touched his tongue.

It was almost miraculous how quickly the caffeine took effect.

Actually, it was Marinette may or may not have mixed a little concoction she made with Tikki that helped her when she stayed up late with her regular coffee.

The guy blinked. "This. Is. Incredible."

Marinette laughed "Yeah, it's what I always get. Though you still look like you need to sleep."

"Yeah, yeah whatever." He waved her off. "But seriously, what is this called? I need a gallon of this."

"Sorry," Marinette said sheepishly "but I'm afraid that's a secret, you know, I'm kind of everyone's favorite, so I get the miracle coffee." Okay so that was a lie but what else could she say?

The guy pouted. Marinette had to admit that he looked adorable.

"Well, then I'm sure you can get me some then... um"

"Marinette."

"Ah, nice to meet you, coffee goddess, I'm Tim."

Marinette's cheeks heated up. "Uh, coffee goddess? Shouldn't they be the coffee gods and goddesses?" She pointed at Allegra, Claude, and the others.

"Nah, you have blessed me with this amazing coffee. Claude didn't even help me in my time of need."

"You know Claude?" Marinette asked, surprised.

"Yep, I've been coming here since I arrived in Paris, so I've gotten to know Allegra and Claude a bit."

"That's funny, I've never seen you. And I come here every day." Marinette said.

"Huh, that's weird. I've never seen you either. "

And from there they kept talking. Like they were old friends and not just acquaintances. Marinette found out that Tim had come from Gotham city. That he was in Paris because of business. Meanwhile, Tim learned that Marinette was an aspiring fashion designer and a college student who was close friends with almost everyone from the café.

Hours passed and the two were still deep in conversation completely oblivious to the crowd that had gathered behind the cafe's counter to watch the soulmates.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me about this before." Adrien, who had arrived after Tim, whispered to his cousin.

"I was under the impression that your father needed your assistance for the upcoming fashion show. I was not about to ask my dear uncle Gabe if I could steal you so that we could set up our friend and his future competitor, Marinette Dupain-cheng, with her soulmate."

Adrien hated to admit that he had a point. "Fine, but can you at least catch me up to date? Who is he?"

"He's a rich guy from Gotham city. He's pretty cool though he's basically Marinette when it comes to coffee which is honestly kinda scary now that I'm seeing them interact." Allegra whispered.

Adrien looked down to look at her. "Alright, I guess I'm going to have to do my own research since you guys are useless. What's his job? Why is he rich? If his from Gotham then who knows, maybe this guy is actually dangerous and wants to take Marinette as ransom for-"

"Oh please Adrien, stop with your theatrics. Do you honestly think that I would allow this if he was dangerous?" Felix interrupted.

"I mean-"

Felix glared at him.

"No?"

Felix sighed. "Timothy Drake is Marinette's soulmate, and I can assure you that he's clean. So don't worry about Marinette."

Allegra shushed the cousins. "Guys, I'm trying to listen here you know?"

"Um, you could probably hear better from up here" Felix nodded in agreement.

"Thanks, Adrien, but I don't want to risk Marinette seeing me and then remembering about time and stuff."

"Ah"

"Speaking of time, it's been years since I last ate, I'm hungry." Claude cut in.

"Claude! You're supposed to be with the customers!" Allegra whisper-shouted.

"Whoops."

~♡~♡~♡~

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. Marinette eventually remembered the reason she had stayed in the cafe. Not only that but when she looked at her watch she realized that she was running late for class.

After Marinette's rushed exit, Tim went back to investigating Hawkmoth. But while they were trying to concentrate on their own thing. Marinette with her class and Tim with his research they found themselves zoning out and thinking about each other.

It was strange, they had quite literally just met.

Why had they made such an impact on each other?

~♡~♡~♡~

It wasn't until Marinette was getting ready to go to bed that she found the answer.

"Tikki is… is that what I think it is." Marinette's voice trembled as she stared at her reflection on the mirror.

Tikki gasped. "Oh Marinette, I think it is!"

Staring back at her was her soul mark, which no longer was a regular coffee cup but rather a gorgeous cup with beautiful red flowers that surrounded a somewhat familiar symbol.

"But, how? I mean they're not supposed to change… right? And why?" Marinette's eyes widened. "Does this mean that I met my soulmate? Who is it?"

Tikki giggled, "You seriously don't know?"

"Umm no? Should I?" Tikki continued to giggle as her holder looked at her confused. "Who is it Tikki?"

"Oh Marinette, how many new people did you meet today?"

"Uh, I don't know? I mean surely I must've passed by lots of strangers in the street." Marinette panicked. "Oh no Tikki! What if one of them is my soulmate? I'll never find out who they are!"

"So you don't remember meeting anyone else?"

"I don't think so, well other than ohhh- "

"Exactly"

~♡~♡~♡~

Tim could not believe what he was seeing. Gone was the plain coffee cup he was used to seeing, the daily reminder of the fact that he was still painfully single, it now had an intricate flower pattern that surrounded a symbol.

He recognized that symbol.

After weeks of researching and tailing the red Parisian heroine, he knew that it was the Ladybug symbol.

But why was it on his soul mark?

Unless…

No, the heroine couldn't be his soulmate, Tim hasn't even officially met her. Nor had he even seen her today.

The only blue-eyed girl he had met was Marinette.

Marinette  

No, it was impossible. Except it wasn't. Tim had only known the girl for a couple of hours, but he knew that  Marinette would make a great heroine or vigilante.

But, he… he was probably hallucinating, right? Tim hadn't slept for weeks, so surely he was just seeing things and his soul mark was still a plain coffee cup and the Marinette conclusion was just wishful thinking.

Right?

Because otherwise, his first meeting with his soulmate was him acting like a sleep-deprived zombie and Tim could not allow that.

Well, one thing was for sure, he really needed to get some sleep.

~♡~♡~♡~

Three days.

It took three days for Marinette to find Tim.

She looked everywhere. The coffee shop, Le Grand Paris Hotel, the tourist areas, and when she was ladybug she looked down from all the rooftops trying to find him.

But he had vanished, leaving Marinette worried sick that he had either A. Gone back to Gotham  B. Died or C. Been so horrified that she was his soulmate that he decided to move to a remote island and changed his name in hopes of never seeing her again.

Gosh, she was starting to sound like her fourteen-year-old self.

But finally, she saw him, sitting on a bench, not far from her own home, looking down at his wrist.

He looked at his wrist like it was some puzzle he needed to solve. Marinette also noticed that he looked a lot more refreshed, so he must've finally gotten some sleep.

Marinette cleared her throat. "Well, you've been a very hard person to find Mr. Drake."

Tim looked up. "Ma- Marinette!"

"We need to talk."

Tim nodded his mouth hanging wide open as he stared at her soul mark.  

"How do you feel about coffee? There's a coffee shop that's not very far from here, I hear their coffee is divine.

~♡~♡~♡~

Bonus:

(this was going to be a scene on the fic but I didn't know how to add it but it has important info sooo)

*They are at the coffee shop*

Marinette: So you're red robin.

Tim: And you're Ladybug

Marinette: Should I be worried? Like doesn't this compromise our secret identities?

*Claude and Allegra appear with some pastries*

Claude: Yooo Marinette! So you found your soulmate! Crazy right? We totally didn't have anything to do with it!

*Allegra elbows him*

Claude: So uh, congratulations! I um feel happy for you.

*looks nervously at Allegra who is glaring at him*

Claude: Bummer about the soul mark though…

*Allegra keeps glaring*

~♡~♡~♡~ Permanent tag list  ~♡~♡~♡~

Claude: What? It's just a plain white cup!

Bonus bonus:

(here's a bad doodle and my crappy handwriting)

(If you want to be added or removed please let me know!)

@charme-de-malchan, @theatreandcomicfreak, @m3owww, @elliebelliegirl, @genevieve-the-demonologist, @vixen-uchiha, @t1dwarrior-of-earth, @waffleyunsure, @technicallyburninggarden, @azuremayscarlet, @vroomtaka, @emimar7, @ichigorose, @maskedpainter, @art-is-hard-to-do-sorry

[renegadewangs]

Van Zieks - the Examination, part 5

Warnings: SPOILERS for The Great Ace Attorney: Chronicles. Additional warning for racist sentiments uttered by fictional characters (and screencaps to show these sentiments).

Disclaimer: (see Part 1 for the more detailed disclaimer.) - These posts are not meant to be taken as fact. Everything I’m outlining stems from my own views and experiences. If you believe that I’ve missed or misinterpreted something, please let me know so I can edit the post accordingly. -The purpose of these posts is an analysis, nothing more. Please do not come into these posts expecting me to either defend Barok van Zieks from haters, nor expecting me to encourage the hatred. - I’m using the Western release of The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles for these posts, but may refer to the original Japanese dialogue of Dai Gyakuten Saiban if needed to compare what’s said. This also means I’m using the localized names and localized romanization of the names to stay consistent. -It doesn’t matter one bit to me whether you like Barok van Zieks or dislike him. However, I will ask that everyone who comments refrains from attacking real, actual people.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

It’s time to return to the first game for case 5, The Unspeakable Story!

Episode 5: The Unspeakable Story – Part 1

Prepare yourselves, this is a big one! So big, even, that I'm going to have to split it into two parts. Fortunately, we can skip over the entire Investigation segment, because virtually none of it is relevant to Van Zieks. In fact, we don't even learn Van Zieks is the prosecutor until we enter the courtroom and see him standing there. Somehow, no one thought to ask who Ryu would be facing. What we do learn during the Investigation is confirmation that McGilded was indeed a lying scumbag who murdered Thrice-fired Mason. He asked Gina to lie for him in a court of law, too. So indeed, Ryu backed the wrong horse in The Runaway Room and Van Zieks was right to suspect the defense of deceit. He was wrong in how he worded half his arguments, though.

An extra thing worth noting is that after the conversation in which the blood is found on Gina's coat and the truth of McGilded comes out, it's revealed that Gregson was hiding nearby in the shadows. He insists he didn't eavesdrop and only just walked in, but it's implied much later in the trial that he knew about the blood on the coat. This means that Gregson is, from this point on, holding the full knowledge that McGilded was McGuilty in the omnibus murder.

So into the courtroom we go, where it is shown we're facing Van Zieks. (And nobody is surprised, because who else would it have been? Auchi?) It is now two months after the Runaway Room and the two Clouded Kokoro cases, so immediately upon starting the trial, the judge basically asks Van Zieks whether he's gone insane- in his own words, that is. First he asks how many years it's been since Van Zieks retired, to which Van Zieks replies that it's been five. The judge notes that Van Zieks resurfaced rather suddenly two months ago, (then basically handled three cases in a single week,) and showed up again today.

HAH. I love how on the nose this judge is when it comes to dissing the prosecution. He goes on to state that Van Zieks used to deal exclusively in matters concerned with 'the highest echelons of society and government', yet today he's trying 'a simple case of burglary and murder'. We already learned this from Gregson in case 1-4, but it's nice to have it repeated again.

Van Zieks replies that there's two things he cannot abide: “Wealthy scoundrels who hide behind a mask of philanthropy-” (hi McGilded!) and... “Secondly- even more loathsome... Those wily scoundrels who masquerade as allies only to effect total betrayal in the final hour.”

So that settles it then. He's specifically taken on his three most recent cases because there were Japanese people involved. He's also outright admitting that which Ryu had already guessed: Van Zieks hates Japanese people and going by his wording (“betrayal”, etc.) he has some bad experiences. Ryu wonders whether that 'torrid look of hatred' in Van Zieks's eyes is directed at him or at all Japanese people. Frankly, I think that in a subconscious sense, it's neither. The way I see it, that torrid look of hatred is directed at a man who died ten years ago. But I'll get back to this when it's time to address the backstory. The judge finds that an “alarmingly scathing explanation”, but welcomes the Reaper of the Bailey back to court all the same.

I love the implication that Van Zieks can apparently just come and go as he pleases in terms of prosecuting. Retirement can just be upturned on a whim and he's allowed to choose any case he wants. Who even is keeping him informed on which cases are happening and who the defense is? Is there a Chief Prosecutor in play we don't know about or is Stronghart slipping notes into his letterbox? Or has Van Zieks been entering the prosecutor's office every day for the past two months, demanding to hear news of 'that Nipponese attorney'?

So anyway, Van Zieks lays out the opening statement, pours himself a glass of wine, accuses Ryu of jumping to conclusions and reveals that he has witnesses. Remember when he threw aside his cloak halfway into 1-3 and it was seen as a big deal? … Yeah. It's not much anymore, now. He gets rid of it before the first witnesses have even taken the stand. The guys called forth are literal criminals who happened to break into the scene of the crime and, according to Van Zieks, “will face trial in the very near future” for their “various trespasses”. Alright, so he's acknowledging he's called forth some sketchy witnesses, but considers the murder itself far more sinister than their burglary.

Ryu manages to prove the taller Skulkin brother fired a gun at the crime scene and in doing so, struck poor innocent (S)Holmes. (Ryu presents a picture of a blood-stained calendar with a bullet in it to prove this, yet ten minutes later, he'll present the exact same picture and the entire court will act as if they'd never seen it before. Awkwaaard.) Van Zieks pours himself another glass of wine, toasts to Ryu's incompetence and later has another micro-aggression:

Scumbag points! And also possibly hilarious foreshadowing if he's referring to either Asogi Sr. or Mikotoba here. Though it's hard to say how well acquainted Van Zieks was with (S)Holmes and his partner roughly 16 to 10 years ago. Anyway, Van Zieks flings another chalice and basically admits that he already knew these two criminals gunned down (S)Holmes, but made a deal with them not to get into that. Though technically, Ryu was the one who got into it by proving it in court, so Van Zieks didn't break any unscrupulous deals. And maybe he was even expecting Ryu to do so? Maybe that's why he was pushing Ryu to present evidence? Either way, Van Zieks now owes 'his Nipponese friend' a word of gratitude, since he helpfully confirmed the two brothers couldn't possibly have shot the victim. Only one bullet was fired from their pistol, after all, and if it hit (S)Holmes it couldn't possibly have killed Windibank.

Van Zieks proceeds to “take a moment to consider the aforementioned Great Detective, Mr. Sholmes” (KEEP THIS LINE IN MIND), and brings up the security cameras (S)Holmes planted at the pawnshop so that he can present a picture of the defendant waving a pistol at the victim. Why didn't he present this evidence immediately instead of asking two shady burglars to testify? Who even knows, man. He's being erratic, just as the judge said. The jurors have seen enough and vote guilty, so it's time for a Summation Examination! Van Zieks poured himself another glass of wine before Ryu even asserted his right to that, because he knew it was coming. He has to stand in silence and so he will drink.

(Juror No 1, aka Mr. Garrideb, proceeds to piss me off by oggling the maid juror. I thought the whole point of this character was that his wife misunderstood and jumped to conclusions; that she's been punishing him wrongfully since he does indeed love her and will stand by her side no matter what, but apparently not.) Some tomfoolery later, we require the prosecution's help to prove stereoscopes are just as cool as wireless telegraphy.

I honestly think it's hilarious that he's meant to stay silent but has broken that rule several times, so now we're taunting him by asking him a direct question during the Examination. So after it's been proven the two criminals moved some stuff around inside the pawnshop, four jurors vote not-guilty and the trial continues. The two witnesses get called back to the stand and---

… Okay. So he definitely is against perjury. He seems to hate it, even. He apparently keeps giving them the evil eye as they testify, intimidating Ringo into telling the truth. But I just can't shake the memory of him feeding a lie to Shamspeare in Memoirs of the Clouded Kokoro. Also, the game very much caught me off guard during this testimony when I presented a piece of evidence which wasn't correct, but instead of leading to a penalty led me to a unique set of dialogue not found when presenting other wrong evidence. That is to say, I presented a picture of Gina holding the sole gun to disprove the testimony that both she and Windibank were wielding guns, which led to:

Isn't that what we often do in these games? Van Zieks clearly hasn't been paying attention. Anyway, the judge points out that so long as I couldn't prove that Gina was still holding the only gun some time later, when Windibank was shot, the evidence wasn't relevant. So I had to present the picture of Windibank's body (not holding a gun) instead. Ryu manages to point out through that picture that the Skulkin brothers were lying and-

OKAY OKAY. I GET IT. Van Zieks hates perjury with a burning passion and Memoirs of the Clouded Kokoro messed up. The trial continues on to the point where Ryu manages to suggest that the Skulkin brothers shot Windibank and Gina then locked the door to save herself. At first Van Zieks is shocked at the notion, but after Ryu details his logic, he just puts his hands down on the desk and chuckles.

This is the first time we see something close to laughter from him, and it's not even really laughter. It's just a malicious, bitter little noise. In fact, we've never seen him smile. He's not even smiling now, as he cackles. That's a stark contrast from other prosecutors, who all smile/smirk as they gloat. Barok's facial expression barely changes at all. Are they building up to something? Anyway, the judge wonders why Van Zieks finds this amusing, as he found the argument quite persuasive himself. Van Zieks pours himself another glass of wine and says:

“But such blatantly malicious conjuring tricks amount to nothing more than inexcusable pettifoggery here. Because you see, it contains a fatal flaw!”

Scumbag points! He then proceeds to imply all the members of the jury are too dimwitted to count (as he flings his chalice). Bullets, that is. There were two bullets found at the crime scene and there were two guns recovered, each having fired one bullet. So if the Skulkin brothers had shot (S)Holmes, they couldn't possibly have shot Windibank as well.

Bye wine bottle, rip person sitting behind him. Van Zieks proceeds to slander Gina for being “far from a law-abiding citizen” and having “a past riddled with criminal misconduct”. To further illustrate his point, he presents a piece of evidence that the defendant attempted to steal the day beforehand, not with the subtlety of a pickpocket but by brute force and brazen impudence. Gregson loses it at this point, shouting out a loud “Hold it!” before losing his nerve and stammering his way through his protest. He mentions that there was a meeting with the prosecution service where it was agreed that piece of evidence wouldn't be used. Ryu is baffled and thinks this:

And now I'm baffled as well, because thinking back on it... Yes, Gregson has talked about Van Zieks before in Investigation segments and has been called in to testify, but as far as I can recall, he hasn't ever addressed Van Zieks directly. Fascinating stuff. Van Zieks says he's unaware of this meeting- probably because he found out Ryu's defending later on and snatched this case up at the last second. Perhaps even took it from the originally-assigned prosecutor with brute force and brazen impudence. Gregson insists that 'the government bigwigs' were very insistent about not using the disc as evidence, to which Van Zieks says:

Good gracious, Van Zieks is a loose cannon! … Or wait, maybe he's a reckless renegade? Or is he perhaps a prosecutor on the edge with nothing to lose? (Alright, put on a pot of coffee- we're gonna get to the bottom of this!) ...Either way, the prosecution thinks it's sufficiently made its case by establishing motive, opportunity and baseness of character.

OY! I thought you don't read third-rate detective stories! But Iris specifically wrote that line into existence, so he must have. Me thinks we've got a closet Adventures of (S)Herlock (S)Holmes fan on our hands, here. The jury buys into his slander, votes guilty, Iris accuses him of being mean and Ryu enters Summation Examination mode a second time.

Oh he knows what he's in for. He knows. Several minutes of talking about bullets later, the topic of (S)Holmes's waist pouch is brought up and Iris wonders whether perhaps the bullet hit one of the glass vials with flammable content. Van Zieks suddenly speaks up with an “If I may...”, catching the startled attention of Ryu in particular.

��I should inform the defence that I have the pouch in question in the antechamber outside the courtroom. As I understand it, when the police arrived on the scene and found Mr Sholmes injured, they removed the pouch in order to assess the wound. Since then, it has been in my safekeeping along with all other evidence relating to the case. I can personally vouch for the fact that it has not been touched since the incident occurred.”

This whole plotline cracks me up with how little sense it makes, considering the position of this pouch on (S)Holmes's outfit. But I'm not here to criticize plot-convenience of evidence, so let's move on and look at what's actually happening here. The defense is discussing possibilities with the jurors in hopes of changing their minds towards a not-guilty and instead of keeping silent, as he's supposed to during this moment, Van Zieks actively speaks up to admit he has a piece of evidence which may be of assistance. It's entirely possible that the pouch would have all three vials intact and thereby dismiss the theory that the bullet hit one of them, but... Regardless of whether he remembers seeing a broken vial with his own eyes, he's taking a risk by showing the pouch. He could've played by the Summation Examination rules, kept his mouth shut and then later when it comes out he had the pouch all along, just remind everyone he wasn't allowed to speak. That's what most prosecutors would've done. Naturally, it's revealed there was indeed a broken vial and some scorched leather, and even closer examination reveals a third bullet we can present to the jurors.

Scumbag point! So with all the confusion on the third bullet and the implication of there being a third gun, the judge does something pretty extraordinary. He doesn't wait for the jurors to change their leaning and instead actually suspends the Summation Examination until the matter is cleared up. This implies any judge has the power to overrule juror leanings, at the very least during Summation Examination, when they feel the case presented by the counsels is lacking important details. Anyway, closing argument on hold for now and the Skulkins return to the stand. Barok looks them straight in the eyes with his usual evil eye and asks them whether the third gun is one of theirs. When that's denied, he asks whether they had an accomplice, which is also denied. And it's kind of funny, because only a few minutes later when Ryu implies they had an accomplice, we get this line:

“Yet in all that time, there has been not a murmur of a third man. If this apparently wraithlike being exists...” pause for chalice crush... “The court must be shown hard evidence!”

But Van Zieks was the one who questioned the Skulkins about an accomplice earlier, so... Indeed, we don't have evidence, but the murmur was definitely already there. So now the prosecution wants two things: evidence there was a third person on the scene and their identity. The game prompts two options: Either present an answer to the prosecution's demands or, y'know, don't. Naturally I chose the latter option to see what happens and it goes about as well as you'd expect. Ryu stutters and trails off, Van Zieks notes the defense is unable to complete a sentence, let alone provide credible answers... Iris takes the place of Susato in telling Ryu off for faltering, so Ryu desperately tries to catch himself and push his argument. Van Zieks says: “So, my Nipponese friend, despite the swimming eyes you seem to think you have something to say...”

PENALTY FROM THE PROSECUTION, oh how I've missed you. Loading up the savegame and choosing the first option actually also leads to the exact same line of “so, my Nipponese friend, despite the swimming eyes you seem to think you have something to say...”, just with a slightly different posture and followed up with the words “this promises to be interesting.” Ryu presents the blood sample on the calendar once more and as I said before, the court acts as if they've never seen this picture before. Hilarious. Van Zieks asks why the blood is depicted as green and Ryu explains it's because of a new chemical (S)Holmes invented. The green blood is then linked to Eggert Benedict through the music disc. The court gets very excited, but much like the skin prints in case 2-2, this isn't admissible evidence. Van Zieks says “this has gone on long enough now. This flagrant ignorance of the mechanics of law.”

“The protagonist in a series of short stories for the vulgar classes. A god of detection or some such. And now you employ chemical substances devised by this fantastical persona in the highest court in the land? Do you expect us to take you seriously? The samples made by this plaything are not fit to be called evidence.”

These lines! I had a quick look at both Scarlet Study's and Taisa's scripts, and there Van Zieks outright accuses (S)Holmes of being a fictional character. He doesn't actually diss the stories themselves though, nor is there anything similar to that plaything line. He only says the chemical itself is 'rubbish'. What ultimately kills me is the “Yes, I’ve heard the name” as if this is the first time it’s being uttered in the courtroom. Let's be merciful here and take case 2-2 out of the equation. Yes, (S)Holmes is mentioned several times there, they establish the two have some sort of history and he even enters the courtroom at one point to address Van Zieks directly, but that case was developed after this one so accidental retcon is bound to happen. No, let's look solely at the cases in the first game. (S)Holmes has been mentioned several times throughout the course of this trial, even by Van Zieks himself. Even better, Van Zieks was the one to present photographs taken by one of (S)Holmes's playthings earlier on. OOPS.

Ryu enters despair mode because there really is no way to prove that the color green is unique to Eggert Benedict, nor would it be accepted as evidence to begin with. But that's okay, because much like the skin prints in 2-2, it was never about having it filed as official evidence. It was about influencing the jury and as Iris so smartly points out, the Summation Examination was suspended earlier. This means that technically, it's still going on. It doesn't matter what the prosecution or the judge thinks of (S)Holmes's invention, it only matters what the jurors think, as they now have the power to force the trial to continue. Naturally, the majority votes not-guilty. Van Zieks objects rather ferociously. “My lord, with all due respect, this is an outrage! The prosecution refuses to accept this decision!” (heehee, I really enjoy these lines. With all due respect, indeed.) The judge asks on what grounds the prosecution is objecting, and Van Zieks says:

“Then they are too ignorant to be trusted with the judgement of anyone's guilt!”

Gosh, he really doesn't enjoy how 'gullible' the jurors are, does he? Or rather, he gets frustrated when the jurors begin to think for themselves instead of taking the prosecution's word for it. The judge sets Van Zieks straight by basically reminding him that this is how the court works.

It is so satisfying to watch him squirm. Van Zieks wants us to play by the court's rules, so we're playing by the court's rules and now he's got no more comebacks. This is it folks, we're subpoena-ing Egg Benedict! He does indeed show up to court after a brief intermission and reveals his true name to be Ashley Graydon. Graydon expresses haughty dismay that the highest court of the land was swayed by some self-professed detective's homemade tincture. Van Zieks tells him it was the will of the jury, and their great British justice system demands that the jury's will is upheld. Graydon calls the jury members inept, as Van Zieks has done many times before, but agrees to testify. Ryu attempts to needle this guy several times by asserting he was definitely at the crime scene, but indeed, the blood sample doesn't count as evidence and Ryu doesn't really have anything else to back him up. Van Zieks oh-so-kindly reminds him that the obligation to prove the defense's assertion lies with, well, the defense. Eventually we do get there and Graydon starts making up some bullshit story about how he met McGilded in a gentlemen's club and bonded with him over unique music box music, so that's what that disc was. Van Zieks points out that Yard have indeed been gathering items believed to have been McGilded's property, presumably to aid their investigations. Gregson once again loses his composure here and tries to shut the conversation down.

Gregson and Van Zieks continue to banter back and forth about how Gregson is definitely not allowed to talk about these things and Van Zieks should also know better than to pry. Even Ryu thinks it's strange the two of them are bickering like that. Anyway, we're not allowed to discuss the McGilded stuff, so back to Graydon and his breaking and entering! Van Zieks asserts that if the police confiscated the disc beforehand and Graydon saw this happen, there was no reason for him to break into the pawnshop anymore.

Oooh, that's some tasty triumph over Van Zieks's ignorance! Ryu brings up the second item pawned by McGilded, a 'small box'. Van Zieks insists that no such thing was stolen from the pawnshop and he can prove it, since he has a picture of the shelves from before the break-in and one from after the break-in. You know, the pictures taken by that idiot detective's silly little plaything! Through the magic of stereoscopes (or the 3D Slider in the 3DS version), Ryu can see that a small box was moved.

It's absolutely hilarious that most of the court has to go cross-eyed to do the stereoscope thing and then there's Van Zieks, with a fancy stereoscope device that he just happened to have with him in a trial he couldn't possibly predict would require a stereoscope. He's so extra! Ryu asserts that if the box was moved, they have to raise the question of what was inside it and send the Yard to retrieve that thing at once. Van Zieks objects, saying that “some little box belonging to a man who died two months ago can't possibly be relevant to this trial.” The judge doesn't see it his way, though, and overrules his objection. Nice! So officers are dispatched to Baker Street to fetch the box and Van Zieks grumbles to himself about being hoodwinked by a farce.

The judge once again doesn't take kindly to Van Zieks's attitude problems and I love this. I can't wait for the prosecution to be penalized, because it feels like it's right around the corner here. Van Zieks elaborates that this whole thing is nothing but a smoke screen; a Nipponese specialty. Scumbag points for this one! I can't entirely connect this to Professor foreshadowing, I think it's just him being petty. Either way, he's going to jump through hoops now. Mere minutes ago he established that the Yard is still investigating McGilded's stuff and the 'aftermath' of his activities, but he's flipping it all over now. He begins to talk about how McGilded died two months ago, immediately after the trial in which he was found not-guilty.

“So I propose a toast. To my learned friend, and his most... insightful defense.”

So the logic being used here now is that McGilded was a fine, upstanding citizen and anything he pawned was truly innocent/ordinary, so why would someone want to steal it? The only way to prove that there's more to these items than might be apparent would be for Ryu to reveal that the acquittal was a mistake and the defense's argument was based on false information. They all suspected this two months ago, though. It was made abundantly clear that the only reason McGilded walked free was because nobody could say for certain whether the evidence was tampered with. Either way, Ryu's cornered now and wondering to himself whether Van Zieks knows the items in question are related to the omnibus murder. He probably does. He has access to the evidence, which means he has access to to the pawn tickets which hold some very specific dates on them.

The game gives Ryu an option whether or not to have Gina testify about what happened two months ago, but this option isn't real. If you choose 'leave it', Ryu still decides within two lines of dialogue that they have to uncover the truth. There's no penalty for stalling. So Ryu calls for Gina to testify and Van Zieks definitely knows what's up.

“In particular, the impact it will have on the accused's standing... And indeed your own.”

So this is a warning, clear and simple. Van Zieks knows shit will hit the fan. Or, as he later phrases it, it will bring the court down around Ryu's ears. But Ryu insists upon the testimony, the prosecution agrees and Gina is put on the stand. The judge tells Graydon he can step down, Graydon promptly sees this as an excuse to leave and bids them all a good day, but Van Zieks tells him to wait.

Oh, this... I like this. By now, Van Zieks has caught on to Ryu's little trick of watching the reactions from other witnesses during testimonies. He's purposely making Graydon stand there and listen to Gina's testimony just in case he reacts in such an overdramatic way, Ryu can pursue it. Iiinteresting! Now it seems as if he's on our side, but we're not quite there yet. Before Gina can begin her testimony, Van Zieks reminds her that if it turns out she willfully withheld information two months ago, she'll be prosecuted for perjury. That's just an intimidation technique to get her not to reveal what she withheld. … Which is weird, because you'd think Van Zieks would want her to spill those beans. Either way, with some encouragement from Ryu and Iris, Gina begins to talk about the lies she told. Aaand we're ending the essay here for now, because we're only about halfway into this disaster of a trial and the plot will only thicken from here on out. Stay tuned for part 2 of The Unspeakable Story!

[swiggity-swexual-i-am-asexual]

Oh, the chromosome rant was EXACTLY the kind of response I was hoping for. Also, to make everything even more complicated, that is just HUMAN genetics. Other species do the chromosome game differently and some not at all. Some determine via temperature. There is a species of fish where a female will become male if there isn't one around. Bees have three different genders. Writers should go WILD with this!

I’m glad I could deliver then, haha!

And you’re right, writers should!

Human genetics are already freaky enough. The second you add more species to it? Complications and genetics go battle royal, and it’s great. You can literally make anything up because nature has probably already done it!

Two twins born in eggs, one sent to a warmer climate and one to a colder one, and if the species has sexual dimorphism, they’ll look totally different! And if it’s cloning, and the scientist doesn’t KNOW that difference, they’re gonna have a real hard time finding out. But the writer knows. They can take advantage of it, because they KNOW.

A clone gets sent into the main crew’s orbit, but suddenly starts to go through Rushed Puberty Part Two because they accidentally stumbled into a harem. The confusion, the drama, and there’s a reason beyond Just Because.

There’s a gender of bees where their basic function is just to copulate and DIE and I know there are enough monster fuckers on this site with save the bees t shirts that SOMEONE has to have done some Weird Stuff with that.

It’s more fun to break the rules when you know what they are. To know where there could be other explanations, to look at them, and then say ‘yeah I’ve thought of that, that’s not it though’. Honestly, that’s my advice for mystery writers—you need to know what it could be, what other people might think it could be, so you can definitively prove that they gotta try again cause that’s the wrong answer. Always have the correct answer, but know what the other options might have been, you know?

It also just goes to show that the ‘gender binary’ is nonsense of a high degree. I’ve never had a full genetic test, it’s not like I could say that I definitely have the appropriate amounts of each chromosome, and even if I do or don’t, I’m still not cis. That goes for your characters too. Unlike my usual thoughts of But Why when I develop stories and world building, you literally don’t need a reason to make a character LGBTQ, you just can. I just like using science bases to cause problems to be solved later.

Genetics are weird and writers should take full advantage of it. Cause, yeah, in real life, maybe your secret half sibling’s chances of having the EXACT same eye color as you are not THAT high, especially as more secret relatives end up with the EXACT same feature, but in fiction it’s a useful shorthand. And maybe in real life, your clone would only be the same age as you if their cells were tested, because they can’t develop that fast. In fiction, they’ll be the ‘opposite’ gender because that’s an easy way to say They’re The Same But Different.

But if you, the writer, know that those genetic disorders that make the clone the ‘opposite gender’ can cause serious issues, you can write that in. You can give them their own histories and problems, make them more than a clone in a way that doesn’t seem so corny. Heck, you cannot tell me that a clone that was somehow made to grow up years biologically in literal months or weeks will not have hormonal issues. They’re gonna have hormonal issues. There’s a reason that clone is a rage monster, why that one is falling apart at the seams figuratively, why the other one is falling apart LITERALLY. Maybe knowing that the species you just made up for your story has a different way of determining sex won’t ever actually be explained. But when stuck on a problem, or on how to proceed, or just need to add a little spice to your work, having that trove of backstory and reason means you can look at something, ask ‘what would this cause as an issue?’, or look at something that clearly should pop up and decide ‘when would a good time for this to finally pay off be?’, and then it practically writes itself.

Doing research on a lot of weird things isn’t just a strange habit writers end up with for no reason. Having backgrounds for characters isn’t just for funsies. Yes it’s character development. But it’s also because the easiest way to go forward on a story is knowing where it’s already been. Like, say your story is based on a car trip. You don’t need to be a mechanic, or know the make and model of the car and tires. But knowing that tires can blow out is important. It’s especially important if you know that a tire IS going to go flat. It’s more fulfilling/less Just Because Plot Says So if you’ve already decided that the salesman gave them terrible tires, that one character is the exact kind of person to buy them cause they’re either cheap or trusting or don’t know, and can lead you to justifying when the other three tires ALSO blow out when you’ve hit a snag somewhere in how to continue the excitement.

Clone stories oftentimes feel kind of weird to me. Maybe it’s cause I feel it’s overdone, particularly in older media and in superhero stories. We learn new things about ourselves, our world, and even our own genes all the time. I remember when we first FOUND the lymphatic duct system. Writers can do as they want, write what they want, but utilizing the world of science, even in a world of magic, can make things just sink into someone a little bit more snuggly. You don’t have to explain everything or always have a reason. But it’s really a lot of fun when there IS. Even if you never, ever explain it.

TLDR; genetics is a clone story writer’s playground and those wiki rabbit holes you sink into by accident are not as useless as people like to say.

[disgruntledspacedad]

in defense of Din’s subdued reaction to losing the kid...

gif by @quantam-widow

I know we were all thinking it. We got a 2 second reaction shot to the destruction of the Razor Crest (may she forever rest in peace), but then, Grogu gets taken, and... nothing?

What the fuck, Din? we all protest. That’s your baby on that ship! Don’t you care? Scream, curse, kick a rock, cry, make a fist, something!!

I will acknowledge that so far, the show has been excellent with giving us emotional payoff, am I right? I mean, just today we got Din laughing, twice. Twice in a row. I honestly never thought we’d see that. There have been so many excellent, precious soft!Din moments this season, and they all feel deliciously earned.

So, from a meta POV, I guess I’m saying that I have faith in the writers to get it right, and in Pedro to deliver. Duh.

In universe, though, I think it’s fair to point out the obvious - that Din is a pretty reserved guy. He’s much more of a thinker than a feeler. He’s used to keeping things bottled up, and I would even argue that his life often depends on his ability to dissociate from his emotions. Din’s entire journey so far has been about how one little baby yodito shakes his worldview to its very foundations. He’s getting there, but it’s a slow process. 

And also, consider this - we haven’t seen Din alone yet, not since Grogu was taken. For a guy who lives a guarded life literally encased in fucking armor, any display of emotion is going to be carefully protected until he’s in private.

But anyway, Din is detached, rational, a little emotionally constipated, and definitely comfortable in a stressful situation. A true ISTP if you ask me (yeah, I know you didn’t, but whatever). Often, it seems that these cool headed, logical types who have never ruffled a feather over anything in their lives are the least adept at handling genuine fear. In other words, when panic does strike, it strikes them hard. 

And guys, Din was definitely panicking during this episode. 

He’s clearly unsettled from the jump - that outburst of “dank farrik!” in the cockpit sells it, and his distress only becomes more obvious from there. Talking out loud, trying to convince himself that the best thing for Grogu is for him to be trained as a Jedi. Reminding himself of the creed. His overt caution as they approach the seeing stone. His impatience, “Are you seeing anything??”

Then there’s the effects of long term stress. Sure, a bounty hunter in the outer rim doesn’t exactly live an easy life, but Din is definitely used to the drama being on his terms. Compare Din’s body language in the opening scene of season one to when Boba confronts him in chapter fourteen. You can just feel the anxiety, the weariness, the frustration. Din has been on the run for months now, constantly looking over his shoulder, sleeping with one eye open. Notice how he even startles at Fennec’s voice? Season one Din would never have given that much away, regardless of the situation. Long term stress has clearly taken a toll on him.

So we have unsettled, stressed out Din in an emotionally charged situation. He’s exhausted, he’s scared, he’s desperate. This scenario is a recipe for even the most level-headed of adrenaline junkies to loose their cool, and that’s exactly what happens to Din. He panics, and he makes some pretty big fuckups because of it. Leaving Grogu unprotected, twice. Trying three different times to break through that “force field,” even when he knew he couldn’t. Dropping that jetpack and then just forgetting about it (I know we were all screaming about that one, or at least, I was).

So, fear is a positive feedback loop. Those neurotransmitters that do us good in a bad situation - raising heart rate, narrowing focus, shunting blood to the muscles - can also be detrimental if we get too high of a dose - tachypnea and tachycardia, inability to think critically and see the big picture, lack of blood and oxygen to the brain. Epinephrine, in particular, even inhibits the laying down of new memory pathways. In other words, stress leads to poor performance, and poor performance leads to more stress, which leads to... you get the idea.

Then, in the middle of all this chaos, they fucking blast the Razor Crest.

More epinephrine, more cortisol, more stress. 

By the end of it all, Din is a fucking shitstorm of stress hormones and pent up emotions. Notice how he seems to be on autopilot in the immediate aftermath, robotically scanning the ashes of the Crest for anything that might be left intact. Notice how empty his voice is when he says, “the child is gone.” This is a dead man walking. Din has nothing left. His whole life has just gone up in smoke, and he can do nothing about it. 

Guys, Din is holding onto his sanity by a fucking thread in this scene. “The child is gone,” he says, like he’s reminding himself, grounding himself in his shitty reality. He’s stunned. 

And helpless. There’s literally nothing he can do for Grogu. He has no ship, no credits, no resources, nothing to bargain with, nothing to offer. Din literally cannot allow himself the luxury of feelings right now. He’s just got to focus on surviving this very shitty day.

Then, Boba Fett upholds his end of the deal, and suddenly, Din has something to hold onto. An ally, a badass friend, some hope. I don’t think Boba shows Din that chain code in order to verify his claim on the armor - he’s already wearing it, for godssake. I think Boba shows him the code in order to catch Din’s attention - hey friend, I know you’re hurting, but I’m a man of my word. When I make a vow, I keep it. Let’s regroup and go find your kid.

And Din would totally latch onto that. A fighting chance? Din fucking leaps at it. There’s a job to do. A kid to save. All of those stress hormones are going to keep on stewing, because Din has never really come down from his adrenaline high. 

It’s like this in real life, too. There isn’t time to be afraid. There isn’t time to be sad, or second-guess, or say, oh how terrible, or wonder what if it doesn’t work? There’s just you and the job, and if you are the only thing standing between life and death, you will put everything else aside and do what you have to do, for as long as you have to do it.

And that’s where Din is at this moment. He’s running on the fumes of his adrenaline, all tempered focus, all strategy and no bullshit.

Emotional shock, my therapist buddy calls it. Apparently, it’s normal. Expected, even.

But guys, the fallout of this kind of crazy ass adrenaline high is insanely intense. I’m talking collapse to the floor, legs won't hold you, trembling, crying so hard you sling snot, shuddering breaths, stare dead-eyed and spent at the ceiling because you’re just too wiped out to even sleep kind of intense. 

And then, after the breakdown comes the angst. The detailed thinking. The oh god, what if this had happened, or, should I have done that instead? It seems like every emotion that gets put on the back burner in the moment comes back to bite you with twofold intensity when all is said and done. 

In other words, Din is definitely going to feels some things .A lot of very intense things. A reckoning is coming, my dudes. Trust me. It’s just not quite here yet.

That being said, here’s what I can expect from Din going forward:

Just like he’s is slow to acknowledge his growing parental feelings for Grogu, I think Din’s going to be slow at processing his grief at Grogu’s loss. In the next episode, he’s got plenty to distract him - getting together his hit team to take back the kid and coordinating an attack on the empire. 

However, I do think we’ll get a slow moment with Din, probably sometime at the beginning of next week’s episode if the pattern holds. I doubt it’s the full-blown breakdown that we’re all needing, but I’m willing to bet money that we’ll see Din grappling with the fact that his kid is gone. I also think that badass beskar murder machine Din from chapter three will resurface. Stress and desperation make us do irrational things, and anger is one of the stages of grief that Din will inevitably have to work through (I think he’s flickering between denial and bargaining for now).

But then, after Din gets Grogu back? I think that’s we’ll have our big, dearly earned emotional payoff. 

For one thing, Din won’t be able to deny his feelings anymore. He wants to keep this kid, it’s so very obvious. Losing him just forces it all to the forefront. 

And then the relief/joy/regret/guilt that Din is going to feel once he’s got Grogu back? Not to mention the physical exhaustion? All of the fear/terror/angst/grief that he ignored in favor of just going pedal to the metal, guns blazing, get the kid or die trying? That shit’s going to crash into him with all the subtly of a fucking tsunami. I guarantee you, we’re going to get some sort of confession, or adoption vow, or face revel, or other sort of profound softness from Dad!Din in the falling action of this season (At least, I hope we get it at the end this season but I wouldn’t put it past them to kick it into the premier of season three, just for pacing reasons, but then again, I obviously have trust issues).

Personally, I would love to see Din grappling with the long-term fallout of losing Grogu - night terrors, guilt, paranoia, etc. That’s probably the stuff of fanfiction - mandalorians don't have nightmares on screen, surely - but still, some lingering effects Grogu’s kidnapping would be realistic, and I would absolutely live for it.

[taecalikook]

The Platinum Rules

summary : Being a true fuckboy he truly is, Taehyung only has three rules when dealing with his one night stands. One, never ever wine and dine someone before sleeping with them. Two, never ever stay the night after one night stands. Last one, is never, never ever meet a girl’s parents under any, any circumstance ever. These are his Platinum Rule, the one never break even once and it conveniently keeps him off the hook for anything. But what magic are you playing to have the fuckboy break all his rules for you in a span of only 24 hours?

{fake relationship! au, fuckboy! au, fratboy! au}

pairing : kim taehyung x reader 

word counter : 24.556

A.N = Read (Not) Just Friends here! Please be mindful this is in Lia’s perspective in (Not) Just Friends!

================================

“You did not just… You know what? Fuck you, Jeon Jungkook!”

Jungkook snickers, looking at the panicked face of his best friend, Taehyung when he sees he is not the only one in the table. Taehyung should have guessed, though. Since when did Jungkook ever ask for a dinner together other than McDonald and its peers? He thought Jungkook was being nice, wine and dining him for somehow ignoring their best friendship ever since getting himself a new girlfriend. Not that he is unhappy for Jungkook and he’d rather chop off his finger than to admit this, but he misses partying night in and out with him—he is just that whipped for his new girlfriend and decides to take himself off that routinity.

“I only say she is cute once. Once! And I don’t see any reason why you, your girlfriend and Y/N should be having dinner in this fancy ass place! This is a lowkey double date, do you know that?” Taehyung hisses in agitation.

“It doesn’t have to be! No one saying this is a double date beside you.” Jungkook amusedly chuckles, raising both his palm in defeat. “We are just going to have a nice dinner together, bro. As friends.”

Taehyung throws him an annoyed look. “You really going to fucking act like I don’t know you?! You are setting me up with this girl, I knew it! Jungkook, I told you, I am not interested in dating! I know it’s good for you, but I am not chaining myself to that time bomb, thanks.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever. But we are taking too much time in the toilet for two men and people there gonna think we are fucking. Let’s go.” Jungkook mindlessly put an arm on Taehyung’s shoulder, walking back to the desk in which his girlfriend and you are chatting lively. Taehyung takes a deep breath, then launches an elbow kick square to Jungkook’s rib that throws him to coughing fit to get his arms off him.

“I swear when we are done, I’ll punch you in your fucking annoying handsome face.”

Jungkook launches a flirty wink along with a chuckle. “I don’t mind you hitting on me, but my girlfriend is just right here.”

“Hey, you guys. What is taking so long in there?” Jungkook’s girlfriend cheerfully asks and both of the men shake their heads with an awkward smile. God, Taehyung really wants to snap to his own head right now, how he wishes to be anywhere but here. There is actually a party in the female frat he is greatly acquainted with. Should have just gone there to relieve some tense instead.

“They’re probably fucking.” You instinctively murmur, unknowingly too loud and audible to anywhere in the radius of a meter while calmly sipping on the glass of red wine. Your best friend slash roommate gasps, slapping your shoulder—somehow embarrassed.

“Y/N!”

Taehyung glances at the girl pouting in front of him, somehow finding her ironic jokes entertaining. Well, even though he is greatly opposed to the idea of a double date, but hanging out with this girl is probably not the worst idea. Probably beats hanging out alone with Jungkook while he is playing fucking Overwatch. 

Well, it goes back to a month ago when Jungkook finally got his shit together and confessed—ugh, the mutual pining seriously sickens him. Even if Taehyung is glad for Jungkook, he is uncertain how he can even settle down after living his greatest life. Man, Jungkook was on the top of the world—good athletic career, good body, beautiful girls—but now that he is settling down, and it kinda makes him uncool in a way. Probably because now he has a girlfriend, he is not really active in all the jock and frat activities like he used to. Girls are already done chasing him, not with that love-sick puppy eyes he has whenever his girlfriend is near—or even far and even with only a month, Taehyung quite had enough. In conclusion, relationships sucks and it changes people, and Taehyung doesn’t want to let go of the great life he is having right now just for settling for one girl. Why only one when he can have more, right?

Then when both Jungkook and Taehyung were hanging out, one night in their shared room, he mistakenly mentioned that you were cute. And he did not lie—he still doesn’t—but it didn’t mean anything! He mentioned dogs are cute probably even a thousand times, but he doesn’t see Jungkook getting him a dog. What’s the difference with saying you were cute? Jungkook is a literal dumbass for even thinking Taehyung can settle for a relationship.

The night goes on, and Taehyung finds himself counting the awkward jokes that have been thrown by Jungkook and his girlfriend about this being a double date and what a great match he is with you. He is literally keeping a tab of everything—waiting for all to be finished so he can finally get the long-awaited revenge he has been counting seconds for. But not that he will say it with his own tongue, he does think that you are cool—as a person. If these pair of idiot gooses are not here, he somehow thinks both of you might actually hit it off—as a good friend, of course.

“God, this is such a great dinner, right?” Your roommate yells, looking mildly buzzed with alcohol. You side-eye her and sigh, resting your glass of wine back. One thing about your best friend is she favors red wine a little too much, and sipping on the beverage like there is no tomorrow. Jungkook holds her hand across the table, eyes filled with adoration. 

“Are you okay, pumpkin? You look drunk.” Jungkook coos with a warm smile, and she smiles back, a wide smile painted on her lips. Taehyung literally feels the urge to puke just listening to the affection lacing in his tone. God, love really changes Jungkook.

“You know what? I love you, Jungkookie!” She suddenly stands up, crashes into Jungkook’s arm, gives him a haste kiss on the lips, right before walking drunkenly outside. Her surprised boyfriend swiftly chases her away, before signaling Taehyung to pay for their dinner. Taehyung is baffled on the side. Jungkook that bastard seriously invited him for this horrendous dinner, yet still asking him to pay? Fucker! But as he notices your eyes prodding his way, he quickly puts on a composed face, giving you a thin smile.

“I think that concludes this very, very confusing but yet pleasant dinner.” Taehyung smiles, while asking for the bill. “I am sorry if you are forced into this dinner. This new couple think they got the right to play immortal on us, right?” He cynically jokes and laughs at it, but your face is too straight to respond so his chuckle is slowing to a complete stop.

“I’m actually the one asking for this double date.” You whisper, an unexplainable emotion rushing on your tone. “I’m the one saying I want her to set us up so we can be together. I like you. I want to be with you, Taehyung. Forever. You—you want this too, right?”

The fear on Taehyung’s chest is instantly risen, seeing the crazy, psychopathic look in your eyes. Well he really thought you are not the type to stick up only after a dinner—but he cannot deny his instinct does disappoint him way too much than he could even be proud of. The instant urge to leave the spot and escape is too much with his feet are already out the table until you break it with a loud, hearty chuckle. “God! Messing with fuckboys is soooo fun! I can’t believe you fall for that!” 

Taehyung scrunch his eyebrow, detecting the unexpected jubilant look on your face. He is  bewildered.

Seeing that Taehyung still is not getting your very, very obvious joke, you sigh. Dumbass fuckboy. His cocky ass big head does not surprise you even a little. “God, I was kidding! Sorry to break it to you—it may be too hard to understand, but not every girl will be willing to take turns sucking your dick, dude. Sorry, life be like that.” You sarcastically note, setting your napkin on the table and Taehyung feels somehow relaxed and offended at the same time. Weird emotions, really. 

“I don’t even know why I am here.” You continue, displaying a friendly smile now, reaching out for your glass of wine. “Should have known. I fell for this fake dinner thing too many times now, gonna reject every dinner invitation from now on.”

Taehyung grins, finally able to breathe easily. Well, he deals with way too many obsessive and stuck up one night stands now that it even terrifies him to be around them, so that’s that. You are too cool to be like one of them, he just knew it.

“Gotta make an exception for me, though.” Taehyung cheekily musters, suddenly surging a confidence on his own skin. You are already dominating the conversation too long now, he just had to take over. “How else can I get to know you better, huh?”

Being a true fuckboy he really is, Taehyung only has three rules when dealing with one night stands. One, never ever wine and dine someone before sleeping with them, as dinner is a very, very intimate thing that involves a lot of real talks—instead of dirty talks in which he is way, way better on. Two, never ever stay the night after one night stands, as sunshine is just a sign that he has spent more than necessary time with her and can only result in any bothersome attachment after. Last one, and probably the rule that has no exception whatsoever, is never, never ever meet a girl’s relatives under any, any circumstance ever. The three rules are all based on his experience learning it the hard way, and ever since, he never broke even a rule and it greatly keeps him off the hook for anything. 

But albeit important, he will let himself break his first rule for you. Only because you are hot—and probably is included in the one percent population of girls who doesn’t need to be reminded that he is not looking for anything but a short fun. A lot of girls tend to forget that easily, getting to attached to what a gentleman he is before and during sex, and always become such a bother after. But he’ll trust this one that you’re not that kind of girl. Even with a bruise on his pride, since he is slightly doubtful if you’ll even agree to his proposal for hooking up tonight. At least, teasing you is already a great enough entertainment for him.

“Boy, I don’t want to know who that can actually work with, but I’m not that difficult to get to bed with.” You chuckle at his pathetic attempt to work his way inside your skirt. Taehyung raises his eyebrow, not believing his own hearing. You are glancing down now—probably to the phone on your lap and your face instantly contorts, and a sigh of tiredness escapes your lips. “I’m way too tired now anyway, better just go back home, fuck and get it over with.”

“W-what? You seriously want to fuck, willingly with me just like that?”

You give his shoulder a pity pat, a thin smirk on your lips. “God, Taehyung, do you actually need to work that hard to get laid all these time?”

“B-but, you just said every girl—”

“I changed my mind.” You sigh, getting tired of the constant queries, along with the message you just received. Jackasses, seriously. “Taehyung, I’m tired. Let's go pay and head back to my apartment. I think the cringy couple will not be there, but fuck them, let them hear us fucking so loud they need to follow as well.”

Taehyung cannot even believe the crude answer coming out from such beautiful, innocent lips, yet the intense anticipation of what’s about to come his way is too unbearable he could not wait even a second to get you under him and win his dominance back. At the cashier, Taehyung quickly slaps a card on the table with his foot swiftly tapping on the floor in impatience. You can’t help but to find that strangely adorable, yet disgusting at the same time. You are seriously hooking up with the worst fuckboy in your university. Never thought you'd stoop this low, but that’s life, right? Let’s see if he can put his money where his mouth is.

Seeing that Taehyung does not show any sign of asking your part of the bill, you are quick to remind him. “Taehyung, I will pay you back, okay? I’ll transfer it.”

“What? There’s no need for that, honey.” Taehyung whispers smoothly, putting in his pin with a wink. “It’s just a small thing I can do for a beautiful lady such as you.’

You snort at his cringy remark, greatly bothered by his every word. “Taehyung, seriously, stop. Any effort you have to do just to get laid will make everything worse.” Taehyung smiles to himself, somehow expecting the snarky remarks even before he threw the stupid comment. You are surely one of a kind. “And I’ll pay you back. This is not a date, and I’m not a prostitute, you don’t have to pay for me.”

The unexpected aggression and anger coming from you quite blow him off his edge, as you thomp furiously to exit the restaurant. Are you seriously saying that you are bothered by him willing to pay for dinner? Taehyung is all down for feminism, but he was literally just being nice—and beside, Jungkook is literally going to stab him with a fork if he ever lets you pay, so that’s that. 

But one realization comes to his mind—he is not going to deal with you long enough to think about your weird trait again. Tonight, all he needs to do is suck everything—and he means, everything. And when he leaves before midnight, then all will be just fine.

*

It’s weird.

Taehyung slowly flutters open his eyes, oddly feeling ten times better than he has been recently after waking up. He doesn’t even know why—probably the wonderful scent of vanilla and citrus that is vivid on his smell. But wait—what the fuck? That’s probably the one of the furthest things he will ever wake up to! He should be waking up annoyed by strong scent of sweat and cheap male perfume, not this.

Fuck, fuck! That ceiling—the light blue ceiling with countless translucent fake stars, that’s not his ceiling either. He was supposed to be looking at a cringy, old poster of Metallica on his dorm room ceiling. And this excessively comfortable, dark blue fur blanket hugging his waist, that’s most absolutely not his. And god, who the damn is he holding right now?!

“What the fuck! Why are you still here?!”

Well that is literally the words he had on his mind just a second ago, yet surprisingly it is not him who is yelling. It is a girl he had a nice dinner with yesterday—with red wine and everything. The girl who was too prideful to let him pay, and the girl who strangely manages to throw him off his game with their continuous three rounds of dirty, dirty sex and God, he swears he never cum harder before in his life—and it says a lot because he does lots of sex. Like a lot. Yup, it’s you.

God, he shouldn’t be here, he should just head home right after sex. He broke his second rule, right after breaking his first one last night, even worsewith the same girl—you. What the fuck is wrong with himself?!

“You said you would leave after a ten minutes nap!” You hiss, clearly disliking the fact that you have to wake up seeing his annoyingly handsome face—with bed hair mussed deliciously and all. Is it weird that you are feeling terribly ugly right now with him still looking like a handsome sex god on your bed? And still feeling his arm around your wait, you groan in disgust. “And why the fuck are you holding me?! Seriously, you are the worst one night stand ever.”

Taehyung quickly detaches himself off you like you are a disease, yet no offense taken since you are glad he is finally a distance away. “I was fucking tired after fucking three rounds yesterday, I think I fell asleep longer than I thought.” You roll your eyes since all you hear is bullshit. “And for your information, I always sleep hugging my bolster. And since you are fucking weird and do not have a bolster, I guess I just settle for less.” He reasons, but you respond with a snort.

“And the worst one night stand ever—are you kidding me? Funny I don’t recall you saying that last night when I generously let you cum in my tongue.” Taehyung continues with a smug, and you can’t help but to feel heated at the memory of last night, Taehyung finally used his mouth for a better cause for once—since you despise it when he is talking. Yet there is no use denying that Taehyung is indeed a master with his tongue, but of course you’d rather cut your arm rather than admitting it to his cocky ass face.

“Pssh—like you weren’t begging to have a taste.” You sinisterly defend yourself and Taehyung chuckles, vaguely shrugging as an answer. You involuntarily stare at his smiling face, and you have to admit he does look his best with it.  God, are you seriously thinking such domestic thoughts with this fuckboy right now? The alcohol must still have an effect on you.

“Why are you staring at me? Finally realize that you should have just jumped on my bone again instead of doing this strange, pillow talk?” Taehyung impishly grins so you land a strong punch on his bare chest with all your might. He lets out a definite cough, definitely not expecting the strength coming out from such a small frame like yours. “Damn woman, what exactly are you?!”

“A girl that can definitely kick your naked ass out of her apartment if you don’t leave in five.” You solemnly warn. Taehyung let out a light laugh, shuffling out of your blanket with no shame whatsoever with his straight out of womb nakedness to grab his clothes. And you cannot bear to notice how apparent his morning wood is—and it brings pleasant yet unnecessary memories of last night to your mind. You seriously need to get a hold of yourself cause if not, you might have to play with yourself after and you don’t really want to get off with the thought of him for the fourth time now. “For the love of God, Taehyung! Put some clothes on!”

Taehyung is unimpressed, pointing at his clothes like it’s the most obvious thing. “What are you—yes, I’m doing it right now, you idiot. And I’m using your bathroom first, I don’t want to look like a fucking idiot, walking around the campus with a morning hard on.” He pouts, but then a smirk formed on his lips. “Or you want to lend a hand with this?”

You shut him with a pillow thrown to his annoying, smug face. “The fuck no. And what, no you can’t!” You answer in panic, pointing to your door. “We only have a shared bathroom here. Let me check if my roommate is out.”

Taehyung sighs. “Y/N, you literally told me last night to fuck as loud as we can and let them hear so they can follow.” Listening to him quoting you from last night, you internally wince. You literally don’t have any trace of ever saying that in your vague memory. God, you must had been drunker than you thought.

“That’s just the drunk and horny talking.” You hiss, trying to steal a peek through the door. There is no sign of your roommate, so everything should be good to go. Or at least you think so. “The cocky ass new couple will be all over our asses, Tae. They will think something is up, try setting us up like yesterday. Ugh, no thanks. You have to leave without anyone knowing.”

“Hate to say you are kinda correct in that one, buddy.” Taehyung sighs. He literally said he was going to punch Jungkook for arranging the dinner, yet now he was the one taking advantage of it. He would not let Jungkook win on that one—he still desperately needs that one punch chance or that fuckers will never let it slip ever, even until the day he is well rested and buried. “Okay, is she out now? Jungkook is not there, right?”

Like a cue of bad luck, your roommate and Jungkook walk out of her room, hand in hand with each other right to sit on the sofa. Jungkook kisses the tip of her head, caressing the side of her face while scrolling through netflix on the tv. “I can’t believe we are watching Taken for the hundred times already just so you can fulfill your Liam Neeson odd kink.” Jungkook impassively huffs.

“God, Liam Neeson kink? Your roommate is fucking weird.” Taehyung lowly whispers, all of a sudden already squatting beside you. You jump a few steps back due to the shock of seeing his face up close, clutching your chest dramatically.

“Damn, can you stop shocking me?!”

Taehyung greasily winks. “Baby, I don’t think anything should shock you after seeing my dick in all its glory.”

You fold your chest, slightly amused but majorly annoyed by his unending arrogance. “Ugh, don’t baby me. And well, I am still shocked probably because I don’t think your dick is outstanding whatsoever.”

Taehyung ignores your stubborn, obviously a lie remark, and continues peeking from the door crack. “God, a film. Probably take them one or two hours. But I think Jungkook has practice in… one and a half hours, so maybe I can go by then.”

Your frown turns deeper, dreading the imagination of spending another hour with him, locked in your 3x5 meters room. Are you even capable of holding yourself from strangling off his cocky, annoying head? This could probably be the greatest challenge you will ever have to face. 

“What should we do for an hour and a half….” Taehyung whispers to himself, sends you a suggestive look while wiggling his eyebrows. You quickly send him your middle finger as an answer, already rejecting whatever idea he has since you are well aware there is no possibility you will like it.

“I am not suggesting to fuck, sorry if you were expecting that.” Taehyung lopsidedly smirks, and you fold your arm in agitation. God, you wish everything can be over so you can go to your parents home and call it a week. And it’s saying a lot since you never look forward to going back home every weekend. “I won’t refuse, but I just want to play now. Do you play animal crossing?”

“Seriously?! You play too?!” You are surprised to say the least, voice unforeseen raising in delight. You really do not expect a fuckboy like Taehyung would play a game like animal crossing—you thought he would hold on to that toxic masculinity and play whatever popular ‘boy’ games right now. It is strangely a nice surprise. “Can I visit your island? Let’s trade too! I have bamboo shoot lamp, log dining table—”

Taehyung chuckles, seeing how passionate you are, scrambling to get your nintendo from your night desk and turning it on while blabbering non stop about your items. He strangely finds it endearing, how drastic you can be when you are not trying to kick him out with a torch and pitchfork and it only takes a freaking animal crossing game. You are tremendously unpredictable, and he finds himself liking the refreshing change of pace. He walks back to your bed, sitting beside you while you animatedly chatter about your island.

Is it too wistful to wish that the current strange yet greatly amusing thing going for the both of you does not have to end now?

*

After being firsthand kicked out from your apartment when Jungkook went to his practice, Taehyung walks to the basement to get to his car in a strange mood. It’s Saturday, yet he doesn’t know what to do or where to go. There is another frat party that will be held tonight, yet he finds himself less than excited to go. He loves parties, but he is not delusional to think that he will love it forever—he is already in a phase of finding parties are monotonous and boring most times. Yet going home is not really a convenient option since there is no use—it’s empty anyway. Frankly, he doesn’t even know what home to him really is. Is it his dorm? Is it the party? Yet they probably give him a better definition of home rather than his own real house.

So Taehyung decides to drive his car back to his apartment on the other side of the town, far from his parents house. The upside of being a child of divorce is probably being shoved money to his mouth like it's the only thing that matters—yet he doesn’t mind. Or maybe he does, but there is no use in complaining, right? He is 21 now, he is over that complaining, depressed phase of his life. Maybe take a couple of depressants tonight, cry a little to sleep and he should be fine. Or maybe he’ll schedule a session with his psychiatrist—he has been missing lots of sessions and it may or may not has taken a toll on him already.

After arriving his car inside the apartment building, Taehyung sighes on his seat, a great exhaustion painted on his face—and he literally is. Just a few hours ago he was able to momentarily forget every issue in his life, but after he is alone, the anguish of loneliness hits him like a ton of brick. He is alone. He is nobody. Nobody likes him, even his own parents. He is just an emotionless shithead who is not right in the head. Who is he to think that he is worthy? Nothing in his life he achieves with his own hands, and life is just a constant train of problems and disappointment. It will never go the other way, since happiness is not for him.

Taehyung rests his head on the wheels, shutting his eyes tight to handle the tears coercing to rain out. No! He doesn’t want to cry now! Even then the ugly tears won’t stop coming out, and he tries to find purchase by hitting his head on the wheel. He enjoys the pain. The pain he is feeling right now—it never felt so right before.

Right until someone knocks on his window, simultaneously stopping his current emotional breakdown. He looks up—probably looking like an ugly, crying mess, expecting the security with an disapproving look on his face for the nth time. But instead he finds someone that instantly melts his whole being—somehow successfully distracting him from the intrusive thoughts he was having.

“Taehyung, are you okay? Hey come out, you have been there for awhile now.”

Taehyung quickly sweeps his tears with his sleeve, fixing the hairs on his forehead to conceal the bruise that might be formed from hitting it multiple times to the wheel and look down. God, this is embarrassing! He never thought he would meet her again in this situation—it seems like life is playing games on him and he despises it for her to always find him in such a ridiculous situation.

“Mina, hi.” Taehyung stutters nervously, somehow avoiding his neighbor prodding eyes that always sends him to nervous bundles. “I—I don’t know you’re home.”

“What are you saying, I’m always home.” Mina chuckles, pointing at the paper bag filled with groceries. “Just came back from grocery shopping. I am cooking pasta today. You wanna join?”

Taehyung looks at her sincere eyes, silently thankful that she is not going to mention his previous breakdown—not that she ever does. Whenever she witnesses his breakdown; crying in his car, hearing screams when he feels suffocated, things being thrown away, and even that one time he brought his one night stands back to his apartment and the girl runs out crying due to his unpleasant way of shooing her away; Mina never judges. She would come knocking at his door, asking him to join her watching the TV, or eating the less than edible food she cooks herself. It’s always a great time with her, and Taehyung could not lie that he feels greatly comfortable with her presence.

“I would love to. Kinda unsure if I won’t get a digestion issue after eating it, though—but i’ll take my chances.” Taehyung smirk cheekily. The girl scowls, shoves him away with her free hand, and strides inside the apartment lobby without waiting for him. Taehyung warmly smiles, quickly walks to her side to walk to their neighboring apartment. “Here, let me take that for you.” Taehyung instinctively grabs the load off her arm. Mina smiles, pressing the lift button to their apartment level.

“It’s been such a long time since your last visit, Tae.” She is staring intently on the man beside her. It was too much for Taehyung, causing his heart pounding faster than normal. He bit his lips, looking anywhere else but her.

“I missed you.” She whispers.

That is it. The word he longs and needed to hear the most—ironically not only from her, but from everyone. And now Mina is saying it to her, Taehyung feels like he is about to cry from the overwhelming emotion. Oh, how he wishes he could say the reason behind his absence. But no, he has to be strong, at least this once. So he forces a thin smile, and tries to change the topic to anything else.

After five minutes full of small talks and keeping up with each other’s lives, Taehyung and Mina finally arrive in front of her apartment door. She shuffles on her purse. “Wait, I’m grabbing my keys.”

“No shit sherlock.”

Right when she swings open the door, someone is already waiting inside, waiting on the couch while watching Pororo. “Mama!” She squeals in delight, running to Mina’s grasp with her two ponytails waving through the air, then clutching onto her for dear life. “And Taehyung oppa is here too!” She shouts in delight, changing her target now to Taehyung for a hug. Mina instinctively retrieves the paper bag from him so he scoops the little girl and holds her close. 

“Oppa, I miss you so much! I haven’t seen you since forever!” The five years old pouts, lightly hitting his chest with her cute, little fist. Taehyung quickly gives her a kiss on the cheek—oh, how he adores the little girl in his arms now. 

“Sorry, oppa is busy. But it’s okay since he is here now!” He smiles, trying to lighten up her mood. She is the whole reason that Taehyung is here in the first place—the little gremlin he loves so much, probably even more than himself. She is Yuna, Mina’s daughter.

Mina is two years older than Taehyung, and she was married three years ago to a man with a daughter. The man is away most of the time for his job offshore, and is back every three to six months. When Taehyung bought the apartment they were already living there—the first neighbor that welcomes him warmly regardless of how unwelcoming he was, as he hated socializing with new people. But they never exchange anything beside a short, civil smile until one day.

Everything changed on the day Taehyung was about to head for class, he found an unannounced guest standing by his door—a four-years-old Yuna, unknowingly went out while her stepmother was sleeping. Yuna was lost, crying out loud because she couldn't get back inside. Taehyung was well aware of the identity of the toddler, so he instantly knocked on his neighbor's door while holding Yuna’s petite hand on his side. 

After finding the fact that her daughter was put in danger by her own carelessness, Mina cried, feeling totally remorseful for forgetting to lock the door. She mentioned she was so exhausted, finishing all night for her upcoming book and having to clean Yuna and the house after. Later that night she invited Taehyung for a thank you dinner, which did not really go well since she couldn’t cook for shit—but still insisting to. Yet even with an upset stomach, Taehyung never felt as comfortable as when he was having dinner with her. At that time, he was severely lonely and needed a friend. That’s how it began—he would always knock on her door, and she always welcomed him with open arms. He got addicted to hanging around Mina and her beautiful daughter.

Yet it was a very foolish thing to even let himself believe hanging around nearly every single day around a married woman is harmless—because he was and still is an idiot and somehow, against all odds and his own cynical thoughts, he caught feelings. Bad. But how could he not? Mina was probably the kindest, the most beautiful soul he has ever met. She always knows the right thing to say at the right time, and being around her always makes him feel hundred times better. She sees the real him, instead of the dumb, rich and messed up fuckboy everyone sees him nearly everywhere. Like seeing her and talking to her—he could finally breathe after holding it for the longest time. 

But it was not long until every illusion Taehyung had fell through. Mina’s husband came back home from his three months offshore work and that's exactly when he faced a cold truth that nothing was ever going to work out anymore. Mina is married to a very kind man as well, and Taehyung would never go against his sanity and ruin it—especially when he knew who would be the most affected by it. It’s Yuna, the most wonderful child who has frankly gone through a lot after her birth mother passed away a few years back from cancer. Taehyung is a child of divorce for god sake, he knew how painful it was for the child like the back of his hand. He would rather die than to be the one doing it to her. That’s the sole reason he has been avoiding Mina and Yuna at all cost. All because he wants to protect the two girls he adores so much.

“Oppa, I am still waiting to play the toy with you! Come play with me!” Yuna cries, promptly running inside her room to grab a few of her new toys. Taehyung easily complies, walking to the living room and detecting a bunch of very Yuna-typical toys—zombies. She always loved playing plants vs zombies on her device, so he bought her zombie and plants toys on her birthday two months ago, but never got to play them before with her. Yet when the large toy on her little grasp is close, Taehyung detects that it is still securely sealed.

“Yuna, you never played this before? Don’t you like it?” Taehyung is saddened at the fact that the girl never played with the toy he gave. But Yuna fervently shakes her head, comfortably sits on Taehyung’s lap like old times and leans on his chest. 

“I like it! But I want to play it with oppa first!” Yuna smiles widely, showing her missing front teeth and Taehyung is unable to hold his smile. The girl is literally the cutest girl ever to exist and he is willingly smitten into her cute charms. Taehyung pecks her cheek in fondness before helping her in opening the box of toys.

After a great forty minutes passed, Yuna is already exhausted, sleeping on Taehyung’s chest since she spends too much of her energy screaming, laughing while playing with her plants vs zombie toys and figurines. He leans on the sofa, caressing the top of the five year old head sleeping on his arms, gazing at her serene sleeping face. She looked very content and happy, and seeing her like this is therapeutic for him. 

“Taehyung, let me get her to her room. Let’s eat, the pasta is ready.” Mina whispers, and he nods, letting the woman take her child to her bedroom. Taehyung coughs, a strange feeling suddenly runs through his mind at how domestic all of these feels. God, he told himself a million times that this should not happen—he was trying his best to evade getting too attached with them to the point that he next to never comes back to his own apartment anymore—yet one accidental visit and he is now back at one. This is ridiculous!

Finding no other solution than trying to survive another thirty minutes without making a fool, or even derangedly hurting himself in the process, Taehyung takes a seat on the dining table with a decent looking pasta served on it. The hurried steps of Mina are heard and Taehyung quickly clears his throat. This is it, Taehyung. Just one lunch, and that’s all. You can finally go back to your apartment. 

“Let’s eat! I actually tried cooking this exact recipe before, and I know it tastes good. I’ve been practicing, you know.” Mina grimaces, remembering the time Taehyung vomited when her so-called scallops were badly cooked and his stomach was greatly upset, causing Taehyung to skip his classes for a full week. Seeing how nervous she is unknowingly brings a smile on his lips. “At least you won’t throw up this time, trust me.”

“I kinda doubt it, but let’s go.” Taehyung teases, while Mina scoops a portion to his plate. He nods gratefully, with the nerves gradually increasing. This annoying voice on his head keeps repeating the thing he is most afraid of, but he pushes it away and musters a thin smile. No. He’ll finish the lunch, run back to his apartment, and never come back for another four months. That’s better.

One habit whenever Taehyung is nervous is he always runs a finger through his hair. The said habit being done is pushing away the strands of hair on his forehead, exposing a palpable bruise which faintly bleeds due to the great force of knocking his forehead on the wheel during his latest breakdown in the car. Seeing how concerning the injury has looked with a smear of blood is evident on his forehead, Mina jumps on her seat in worry. “God—Tae! Your forehead, it bleeds!”

Yup, it is. Taehyung coherently snorts when touching the forehead with his palm, seeing a hint of blood on it. He is instantly aware of the pain. What a fucking idiot he is—god, when will he stop making a fool of himself?

“Wait, I’ll grab some meds, okay?”

Mina walks to one of the cabins, then returns with a box of first-aid kits to his side. She takes a seat beside him, pointing it so she can comfortably access the bleeding bruise on Taehyung’s forehead. One thing that she might be clueless about is how nervous Taehyung is, heart rate abnormally fast just by seeing her face in such close proximity—so close he can even spot the little mole on the side of her nose bridge—while the familiar, refreshing scent of lilac is radiating off her. She is tending his bruise carefully, her left fingers secured on his left jaw to keep him in place, and Taehyung's head literally spins. How can someone be this beautiful?

At one point, everything is too much to handle for Taehyung. He likes Mina, this beautiful, married woman that somehow gets him better than everyone, but he can never be with her. He could not let himself fall even deeper and do something he will most absolutely regret after. “Mina, stop. It’s—it’s enough.” He breathes lowly, abruptly losing his ability to speak, especially when her lips are just a breath away for him to touch. But he knows they were overstepping the boundary and desperately needs to stop. It’s not right.

Then at once, the confusion on Mina’s face turns into remorse and the next thing both of them know that their lips are touching, both eyes closed with Mina’s hands secured on each side of his shoulders. He is now kissing Mina.

Taehyung cannot lie that he did imagine about kissing her before. Yet at that time, the only thing he feels is disgust, ten times worse than he already feels for himself. Not even a second felt right—a flash of his broken family went through his mind. He just stopped to another level of low; he is kissing a married woman.

“Mina, stop! We cannot do this.” Taehyung gruffly pushes her away, quickly standing up with a heavy urge to vomit coming out from his stomach. It’s disgusting, he is disgusting. Not that he is miserable with himself, he just became a cause of someone else’s misery. He is really the bad guy in every story.

“I-i’m sorry. I’m sorry, Taehyung. I-i know it was wrong, I don’t know what has gotten into me—”

Taehyung is irritated beyond words, his face reddening while he furiously scrubs the remnants of the kiss on his lips with no holding back whatsoever. He is disgusted with himself, and frankly he is disgusted with Mina. He never should have come here. There’s literally nothing good will ever come out on meeting the married woman he somehow liked—and a realization is dawned on him. He just sinned Yuna. The innocent, five-years-old girl that deserves happiness more than anyone else in this whole world. It feels like he already hit rock bottom, like he just wanted to throw himself off a cliff.

“It is wrong!” Taehyung aggressively hisses, quickly walking to the living room to grab his belongings, yet finding the toys he just played with Yuna results in him feeling uncomfortably nauseous. This is the worst thing that could ever happen to him.“This, this never happened. It’s better for us to not see each other again.” He runs to the door with great fury, before a whimper of his name is heard. Mina is calling him.

Yet he is unable to walk away without seeing her one last time. Hearing her voice calling his name. Listening to what she is about to say.

“Taehyung, I’m sorry.”

*

After running away from the encounter with Mina, he called his super that he is selling the apartment right away. He has to close everything—every little chance of seeing Mina, and sadly even Yuna. Taehyung desperately needs some space, and so does her. It’s better not to see each other again. 

Hence, now he has nowhere to go. Going back to his dorm is not an option—he is currently at the lowest point of his life and seeing anyone from college is never a convenient option. So that night, Taehyung decides to spend the night in his car, parked on the side of Han River. It’s a place for him whenever he is sad. A place that always reminds him that he is still too scared to die. A place to remind him that somehow, he still yearns his life to go the other way. A better one.

And at one point, after bawling his eyes out, he is desperate to feel the wind slapping his face and knock some sense into him. He exits the car, taking his time to walk to the side of the river, hands secured inside his pocket. He closes his eyes, taking in the cold wind and feels it rushing through his face. The cold was definitely a tid bit much—probably to the point he couldn’t feel his face, but he somehow prefers it. 

But he is most absolutely unable to stand another minute clenching at the rail of the river, so he walks to the nearest bench, placed under a tree. It is more convenient—the wind is hundred times kinder and he can finally feel his face. And all of a sudden, his phone rings. He half-heartedly steals a glance, finding an unknown number. He easily rejects the call, before it rings once again. And again, and again until he annoyedly picks up just to shout his agitation to whoever is on the other side of the call.

“Is this—is this Taehyung?”

The familiar yet so strange voice welcomes him, and the anger on the tip of his tongue dissolves. But he is still uncertain of his hypotheses on the identity of the caller on the other side. “Yes. Who is this?”

“Hi, sorry, this is Y/N. I know we just met and I am not even your acquaintance or anything, but can I ask for your help this time? I swear I owe you one after, but please just help me with this one.” 

It’s Y/N. It’s seriously you on the other side, yet Taehyung could not believe his ears. Is his hearing deceiving him right now? You made it clear that seeing him again could be the second worst thing to happen to her—after a meteor suddenly falls and crashes on your favorite Mexican restaurant—but now you are calling him, not even a day after your last meeting? There must be something serious, and a bizarre worry immediately fills his head. “Y/N, what is it? What happened? Tell me.”

“I-I’m afraid I can’t tell you. But this is urgent, can you help me with this one? I promise I’ll pay the favor back, I swear.” 

Taehyung discards the light insulted feeling on how you mention you’ll pay him back like your life depends on it, and instead focuses on the urgency in your tone. You seem greatly rushed, worried and almost scared, and never would he ever imagine of saying no to that. “Of course, Y/N. What is it, I’ll try helping the best I can.”

“Can I ask where are you right now? I need to go somewhere really urgent, can you take me there?”

Taehyung looks warily around him. There’s only an old lady with her dogs just walking past him. He is quite far from the crowd. “I am in Han River now. Where are you? I can pick you up from there.”

“No need, I’m actually quite near. Can you send me your location?”

And that’s how Taehyung spends another 10 minutes, trying to make out your face amongst the people walking around him. While focusing on the people passing around, suddenly a cold hand slaps his shoulder and sends Taehyung on his toes, startled beyond words. “Fuck, Y/N! You can’t startle me like that!”

“I’m sorry, Taehyung.” You apologetically wince, holding the black duffle bag close to your chest. “I won’t startle you again. That if we ever meet again, which I don’t really hope to. Can we go now?”

Taehyung rolls his eyes at your warm words. “Just a thing everyone expects from the person who is just asking for help, right?”

You smile widely until your eyes turn into mooncreases, and Taehyung feels his throat stricken dry. “Let’s go, Taehyung. I’ll tell you the direction.”

And that’s how you are for the second time seated in Taehyung’s black Audi, with him smoothly driving it in accordance to your directions. You bite your lips in nerve, occasionally stealing a glance at Taehyung who is busy driving, looking around the streets with hesitation. Of course he would be, the direction you are giving must be unfamiliar for nearly everyone sane. “Hey. Can I ask you something?”

You don’t want Taehyung to question where you are heading right now—as he will instantly dump your ass on the street with no second question asked. “Yes?” You whisper faintly, crossing your fingers that it would be anything but that question.

“Can I turn on the music? Are you okay with that?”

The tense on your body crashes down with an exhale. “Of course. It’s your car, Taehyung, you can do anything with it.”

Taehyung snorts. “I am just being nice. I seriously think you might be a grinch for any kind of fun, the type to love creepy, dead silence while driving.”

“You are seriously a child.” You shake your head in disbelief, and Taehyung's lean forefinger taps the music button, connecting to his phone. “And god, you seriously got no other car, Taehyung? A less flashy one, I guess?”

Taehyung smiles proudly, patting the wheel with affection evident in his eyes. “No. Cecil is my baby, and I would never trade her for anything else.”

You groan at the foreign name. “Who the fuck is Cecil? God, don’t tell me you’re that creep who names dead stuff.”

“Hey! You don’t know how long and what kind of things Cecil has gone through with me.” Taehyung literally yells. He is one peculiar pea, but you are in no place to judge anyway. You are literally a nobody. “And you can’t tell me that, Cecil is the one who is helping your ass to wherever we are going right now.”

You decide not to prolong the abnormal debate you had with Taehyung, so you turn silent and point to the direction of your destination. When the car is heading to dark, narrower streets, Taehyung realizes they are already too far outside downtown, in a place where he knows he would never visit in any possible scenarios in his life ever. 

“Y/N, I know I am not supposed to ask anything, but this is getting creepy and I just need to know why the fuck are we in this creepy, suspicious place?” Taehyung hisses, noticing that everything is too dreadful to be true. He doesn’t even know this place to ever exist in Seoul—that’s if they are still in town. “Where are you taking me?! God, don’t tell me you are going to murder me, take Cecil with you and sell her away?! Please don’t do it, especially the last one!”

You sigh at his nonsense, frankly tired and majorly nervous since your destination is already near. You glance at the message displayed on your phone. He is already waiting. “God, Taehyung. We are just five minutes away, just drop me off anywhere and you can run off after.”

“What? No! What about you? How are you going home this late, and from this creepy ass place?!” Taehyung stares at you, and you can find a genuine worry in his eyes for your well being. God, you are speaking nonsense, since there is no way Taehyung can even have feelings for you other than lust, and that’s just fact.

“It’s okay, someone will take me home.” You doubtfully answer, wanting Taehyung to swallow your lies even if you are not so sure yourself. Somehow you doubt the man you are meeting now will have the heart to take you home after this. You can just grab a taxi or bus—if they are still available—after anyway, it should not be an issue, right? But even self pep talk does not change a thing, you are still scared beyond words. This neighborhood indeed terrifies you, especially at night. 

The car is now settled in front of the dark building that you identify as your destination. “Are you sure, Y/N?” Taehyung mindfully asks one more time with hesitation fills his gaze. At the persistence, you are slightly touched. “I don’t know what you are doing or who you are meeting there, I won’t ask. But I swear, I don’t mind waiting for you.”

You have a hard time believing—when was the last time someone cares for your safety like this? Life has been just a constant repetition of pushing anyone away from nearly half of the things going on with you, and to have someone you clearly is just using and still greatly show his concern is so strange. Maybe it’s time to admit that Taehyung is not just the heartless fuckboy you expect him to be. He may be more than that.

But no, you don’t need to involve him further inside the mess you are in, and he won’t be near long enough to stay so no need to get in such depth with him. And only god knows what would happen to an elegant, once in a lifetime seen black expensive Audi parked in this neighborhood. “Taehyung, no. I’ll get home safe, I swear.”

Taehyung does not want to push his agenda, even if he is still unable to turn off the alarms at the back of his head. “Sure, if that’s what you want. At the very least please let me know when you arrive, or if anything happens, okay?”

You nod, not really sure what to reply to his untypical concern. But then the annoying Taehyung is back as he mutters the next reply. “Or don’t. I just realized I left my charge somewhere and my battery is dying, probably not gonna see them till the next two days.”

“You are fucking annoying.” You spit with a sarcastic smile and Taehyung chuckles lightly, lightening up the mood. “See you, Tae. And thank you for taking me, I owe you one.”

You walk inside, finding Taehyung’s Audi is still parked there. Seeing how he vaguely gets caught inside your mess, and you feel apologetic. You huff, braving youself to knock on the door, then find a man that has been blowing up your message for a while now. He holds you close, taking you inside the house with odd affection. “Baby, who is that with a black, expensive car? Is that your new boyfriend?” 

You look at him, trying to keep your composure straight. You really do not want this despicable man in front of you to get any strange idea whatsoever about Taehyung. “He is not.” You adamantly hiss, pretending nonchalance. “He is here because you, somehow cannot pick me the fuck up. There is no uber or taxi that wants to get me here at this time of the night, and I swear to god you better get me home.”

That man pulls you closer, his lips closing on your side jaw and his arms circling your waist. All of a sudden, your resolve crumbles at his familiar touches. “I miss you, baby. And don’t worry about going home, you can stay the night here.”

His lips are swiftly grazing your sweet spot, right at your collarbone and you instinctively let out a moan of pleasure when he sucks on it like there is no tomorrow—to the point it will surely leave evident hickeys. God, he really knows you like the back of his hand and you have no idea whatsoever to do about it. Three years together is very evident now—he can read you effortlessly. 

“Stop it.. You know I’m staying at my parent’s tonight, I have to go home.” You let out a hushed whisper, a moan escapes your lips when his hands slowly stray from your shoulder, down to your waist and to the area that leaves you breathless. God, you are out of your mind for him.

“Fuck them. You know I really miss you, baby… I seriously need to be inside you right now. Don’t you miss me? Stay tonight.”

At his discourteous words at the mention of your parents, any illusion and lust at wanting to have in any way he wants dissolve into thin air. He is still the same old, disrespectful man that will never give a shit about you, especially your parents. But what exactly was the expectation you have for him? You are foolish to even think he will magically has understanding and common sense, since he is a monster.

But you are the one responsible for creating this monster…

The familiar guilt instantly fills your chest all at once, and it vividly constricts in pain. You push the black bag to his chest in a rush. “Here’s what you asked. I just did the best I can—don’t call me again. I have to go home.”

As you run to exit the building, you half-expect him to hold you back, apologize, or do anything that somehow might stop you from leaving into the unwelcoming, shady neighborhood, at nearly midnight, but nothing. The frustration that suffocates your chest is too much, and it is extremely hard to breathe. Your head spins with countless voices running inside your head, screaming incoherent words that somehow sends you into a great panic.

And you take a deep breath. Then the second. Then the third, trying to empty your mind from any intrusive thoughts that are doing you no good whatsoever. Right until you can finally close everything off, trying to pick your phone and get an uber—if it’s even possible. The reason you needed to get Taehyung help in the first place is that no uber or taxi would like to even come close to this place, and there’s thin to none chance you’ll ever get one. 

And you are correct, since it’s already five minutes in and there is no sign of your request ever finding a ride home tonight. You are in deep frustration for there is no hope whatsoever in getting back home. Your parents are away, but your grandma is home—you left your responsibility of taking care of her to meet that man. Your parents are going to kill you if they ever find out you are escaping home, especially to meet the man they hate the most in this whole world—the man who is greatly a bad influence on you, the man who made you hospitalized for months, the man who they recognize as your ex. 

But even with how far he is from ideal, he is still the same man who fought for you. The man who taught you love and sacrificed himself for you in no way anyone would. You don’t want to let him go—you are aware that he has strayed far, but he’ll come back soon. You held onto that for a long time, even with the faith you have on him is slightly dwindling. It’s been nearly three years since that accident, and you found that he is still the same, obnoxious man he was and even worse, yet you cannot let him go. Your conscience would never let you.

Feeling the remorse that is starting to overwhelm your senses, you notice there is literally waste in vain to think about that. You have to think for the present, how the fuck can you do to get home? Your parents might be home any time now, and they will never let the matter go until you are forced to confess that you are indeed, meeting your ex—the one person they loathe the most.

So you decide to run for your life to the nearest stop to take a bus or any available transportation, away from the shady neighborhood. You start with a fast stride, but you hear a sound of an engine booming behind you, slowly creeping on your side of the street. The red alarm on your head is loudly screaming. Someone is following you, and at once the worst memories of your life hits you like a truck. 

You abruptly fasten your pace, keep on running. But due to the nerves, your leg is close to giving up. You are exhausted beyond words, and the intrusive breakdown inside your head is not helping either. Just in five minutes you have no strength left and fall down on the pavements, your body trembling, tears crashing loudly as you hide your body inside your arms.

You never should have come to this place. You never should have come back to him. That time he loved you and cared so much about you was years ago, and he changed. He will no longer be there to rescue you. He doesn’t even give any shit about your safety. When will you ever be strong and stop whatever nonsense you are having for him?

“Hey, hey what happened, Y/N? Why are you crying?!” 

You are still bawling your eyes out like there is no tomorrow, your whole body trembling hard with both your legs secured on your chest. Someone is touching your arms, but you are too frightened by the imagination inside your head so you can do anything but to hold your legs even closer. “Please.. Please don’t hurt me..”

“Y/N, what are you—This is Taehyung. I have been calling you since you walked out, but you are not responding. Y/N, you are shaking so hard.. God, you’re scaring me. Please say something.”

After listening to the words that send you to a haze for having a hard time believing whatever it is, that man holds you close, his strong arms around your shoulder, his wide palm caressing your upper back slowly. “Take a breath, Y/N. You are panicking, but it’s okay. Take a deep breath. Everything is okay. I am here.”

At the constant calming ministration from Taehyung, along with his warm hug around your trembling, drenched with cold sweat body, you find the tense on your body is progressively decreasing to the point you can finally think and speak clearly without any more tears falling on the side of your cheek. You look up, finding Taehyung’s worried gaze seeking into yours.

“Why are you here, Tae? I thought you went back.”

Noticing how much you already get better from the panic attack, Taehyung can finally let go the breath he has been holding for quite a long time now. “I was about to, but—hey, I’ll tell you everything in the car. For now let’s go, you have been sitting on a pavement, who knows what germs you can catch from there.” Taehyung whispers with a vivid disgust on his tone. At that, you can finally smile. Albeit thin, Taehyung feels like he has achieved something remarkable. He quickly holds you up, arms secured around your waist to help you walk inside his car.

Taehyung opens the door for you, yet you are still hesitating to enter. “Get in, Y/N. I’ll take you home.”

“But.. your seat. What if my germs polluted your seat?” You are innocently concerned, and Taehyung can’t help but to chuckle. He did not expect such polite questions coming from you who just had a literal breakdown, yet he finds it endearing.

“It’s okay, Y/N. I’ll be taking Cecil to car service tomorrow as well, so it’s no issue. Get in.” 

Dubiously you step your left foot inside, before you gasp in surprise that shocks Taehyung as well. “I have a scarf! Let me sit on that.”

Taehyung follows your vigor on going through the small bag hanging on your shoulder with his eyes. “Not really necessary, but whatever. I’d prefer your shirt though. Can you sit on it instead?”

You snort. “Pervert.” He responds with a smirk, skipping to the driver side.

After a good ten minute driving in silence, you open your voice, your fingers nervously fondling on the button of your purse. “Thank you for waiting. You are such a lifesaver, I-I seriously don’t know what I will do if you are not there.”

Taehyung nods, his right hand brushing through the expanse of his jaw and you intensely follow the swear-to-god attractive gesture. God, you cannot believe how someone can be that charming while driving, it’s seriously making no sense. You continue after clearing your throat. “What happened? Why didn’t you leave?”

He glances at you with tranquility, shrugging his shoulder. “I was about to leave, but I don’t know. The song I was listening to was good so I just decided to stay for a while, and then you walk out so I follow you. The end.”

Your eyes narrowed, staring at him intently. “That is a lie.”

“Maybe.”

“Then tell me what happened!”

He shrugs. “Nah.”

You look at him in obvious exasperation. “Taehyung, for god sake tell me what happened! What can possibly make you stay in this hellish neighborhood?”

Taehyung grins. “I don’t ask what happened with the hickey on your collarbone either, sweetheart. And It’s nothing, seriously. Nothing out of the ordinary.”

Your fingers instinctively land on your clavicle, feeling the strange pain emerging when so. Shamefully ducks your head in embarrassment, you throw your face to your side of the window. “You're annoying.”

“I’ve been called that a lot. By you, actually.”

“Then maybe you should stop being annoying.” You sarcastically grin.

He jokingly wriggles his sharp eyebrows. “That’s kind of my trademark, so I’m sorry I cannot fulfill the request, sweetheart.” You huff and decided not to continue the endless debate.

Another ten minutes filled with silence, until you break it with your still irritated tone. “Can we play my song now? The song you played before sucks.”

Taehyung murmurs an agreement, a thin smile finding his lips. You connect your phone, then finding the one song you always tune into. The song that reminds you of the good times when life is less than complicated.

“Is this Bee Gees?” Taehyung asks with an amused tone, nothing ever crosses his mind that you would be the type to tune to oldies songs for drive songs. 

“Yup. This is More Than a Woman.” You nod, then send a judgmental stare at him. “What? You think I am lame for listening to old songs? Yeah, no surprise there.”

He smiles heartily, finding this new side of you that is unforeseen yet very delightful. “No, I actually like this song too. My father used to sing this song when I was a kid. The whole album, actually. I even have the vinyl cd in my room.”

Seeing that Taehyung is indeed earnest, opening up a little about his life, you find yourself smiling at your own great memory as well. “Me too. My grandfather used to sing this song to my grandmother, uhm.. before he passed away.. a few years ago. I would always listen to this song and then I would always be reminded about how much love they have for me.” 

You don’t even know why you are explaining such an intimate story of your life to a fuckboy whom you barely know. But now, it’s hard to even think Taehyung is the jackass everyone and even himself proclaimed. He is just a man—a friend, who helps you when you need him the most, who doesn’t pry and understand the space you need better than anyone else. You are grateful he is there, and to say these personal things to him.

Taehyung smiles at you and you can’t help but to reciprocate. His fingers tapping rhythmically on the wheel along to the beat, humming along with you to the wonderful music inside his car.

Here in your arms I found my paradise

My only chance for happiness

And if I lose you now I think I would die

Oh say you'll always be my baby, we can make it shine

We can take forever, just a minute at a time

*

“I don’t know where my keys are!”

Yup, you are a certified, sloppy idiot. You have been standing on your house gate for exactly fifteen minutes, trying to find where the fuck did you place your keys. You are trying to search your short lived memory where you placed them, but the only thing you remember before going to Han River to meet Taehyung is how rushed and panicked you are, trying to find excuses for your grandmother.

And Taehyung stood besides you, helping you to hold the flashlight so you can make anything inside your ransacked purse. “I can’t find it!” You hiss worriedly, glancing at your watch. “I don’t think my parents are home yet, and my grandmother should be asleep by now. I will just sneak in.”

“This is dangerous! Someone might catch you and think we are thieves, Y/N, I don’t think it's a good idea, especially at this time.” Taehyung advises, his tone full of worry. You look to him scornfully, accepting that he is indeed right. There are cctvs being installed on every corner of the street, and you don’t think it would be pretty to be caught and perceived as a thief while climbing your own house. Your parents will figure out either way, and to be told by your neighborhood security that their daughter is climbing inside with a ‘help’ of a man would be the last thing you want to happen.

“I do not know what I have to do.” You mutter, hiding your face inside your palms, cursing your forgetful self internally. Now you have to wait for your parents, confessing that you indeed get out at nearly midnight. And they will chastise you to know where you have been, immediately accusing you for meeting your ex—which in fact is indeed the truth. You are screwed.

“Hey, we can wait for your parents then. We’ll think of a way, no worry, Y/N.” Taehyung said carefully, noticing your forlorn gesture with hands resting on your shoulder. You look at him with a frown and reddened face.

“It’s okay if you have to leave. You have been a great help, Taehyung. I seriously do not know what would happen if it weren’t for you.” You mutter in regret, then he answers by sternly shaking his head, clicking his tongue.

“Hey, I might be a dick but I am certainly not to that extent to leave a girl on the street nearing dawn.”

“I can protect myself, if that’s what you are worried about.”

Taehyung chuckles, keeping his hands inside his pocket. “I am well aware that you can kick my ass to ditch, Y/N. But my conscience just won’t let me.”

Before you can persuade him again to go back home, the familiar creaking sound of your front door is heard and you throw your head back inside, detecting your grandmother, peering outside to the sound of her granddaughter.

“Grandma! You are not asleep?!” You nearly yell, but then realize that it is already so late for any loud noises and manage to lower your volume. “It’s past midnight, you should be asleep! I told you to sleep first and not wait for me.”

“Huh, this girl! How can I sleep when I know you are still wandering out there, at this late of night.” Your grandma hisses, walking with her cane to the gate. “Why didn't you come in? Where are your keys?”

The frown on your lips deepen. “I lost them, grandma…”

Your grandma hiss in distaste, before realizing that his granddaughter is not alone. While opening the gate, her tone changes as she questions the man beside you “Who is this? Is this your friend?”

You just remembered that Taehyung is still present, now both his hands politely joined and a civil, yet timid smile on his lips. You look back at your grandma, strongly warning you with her intimidating gaze to introduce him right away. “Y-yes! Grandma, This is Taehyung. Tae, this is my grandma.”

“Good evening, grandma. I’m sorry we arrived so late tonight, I can assure you it will not happen again.” Taehyung apologizes with heavy sincerity and a bow. You are mildly confused by his never-seen-before politeness, especially to your family. Of course it will not happen again, Taehyung would easily walk out of your life after the constant problem you put him in. But still, it brings such a strange emotion to your heart on how good-mannered he is to your grandmother—and you kind of have a slight hint of why.

“Kids these days, seriously.” Your grandma shakes her head, but still motions both of you to enter the house. “Come in, then. You two.”

“Taehyung can’t stay, grandma! He has to go back, it’s been a long night.” You try to reason in panic, but your grandmother’s slap on your shoulder to enter the house quickly resonates that she is not open for negotiation. There is no other way than to follow her order, so you begrudgingly leave the scene, with an apologetic smile on your face to Taehyung’s way. You seriously owe him nearly everything—you swear you will do anything to repay him.

“You really have to go back, Taehyung? I want to talk to you, though. I promise it won’t take long.” Your grandmother intimidatingly offers, and Taehyung gulps in overwhelming nerves. It is probably the first time for a while since he met someone’s close relative—he even hardly met his own—and your grandma is too intimidating; he doesn’t even remember the word no. 

“Let’s talk, then.” Your grandma smiles, waving off the cold persona right after taking in his acceptance. She rests her hand on Taehyung's arm to lead him inside the house. “Have you eaten? We have some extra food. I also made Darjeeling tea, it’s good for you young people. I know you will like it.” Taehyung smiles with a nod, his head slightly spins and an aloof thought invades his head, all regarding his precious platinum rule. 

Never ever meet a girl’s relatives under any, any circumstance ever.

God, this is not good.

*

It’s already past 1am, and an hour after you safely arrived inside your house. Upstairs, you wanted to help Taehyung dealing with your pesky grandmother, but she refused you to come down and mentioned that she wanted to talk to him only. You know what that means—another drama coming your way. You seriously cannot stress how much you owe Taehyung, he has been nothing but kind and helpful today. You wanted to eavesdrop on their conversation, but your body is too tired to even deal with even more drama. You just need to set your grandmother straight that Taehyung is just a friend, right in the morning. Your parents don’t have to know as well, and everything can go as well as before.

But even with your nearly numb body, your consciousness is wide awake and you cannot sleep. So after a short while and hearing the soft engine of Taehyung’s car far in the distance, you dial his number. Hopefully it still has power—you remember Taehyung mentioned how near dead it was. 

Right after two beeps he thankfully picks up. “Hi, Taehyung. You went home already?”

“Yup.” He emphasizes on the p.

You wince at his distant answer. “Are you mad at me? I apologize, I am nothing but a hassle today, you must regret helping me.”

Then his lighthearted chuckle is heard, and the tense on your body instinctively loosen up. “It’s okay. Not gonna lie, today is quite overwhelming. But I think in a weird, twisted way I needed that. A distraction, I mean.”

“Well, at least you are entertained by my lackluster life.” You joke, and both of you cackle. You cannot fathom your feeling right now, hearing his breathy voice on the other side of the call. You know you have been through a lot today, but somehow finally closing it with Taehyung, you feel somewhat relieved. “Did grandma say anything weird?”

“No, we just drank her god-sent Darjeeling tea. I seriously think I need to order it myself. Gonna search for it online after this. Ah, she also said I am handsome.”

You smile heartily, flipping to the other side of your bed. What a lie. “I sure can vouch for that. You are indeed handsome.”

Taehyung loudly gasps, cheeks tingling upon your unpredictable sincere compliment. “What—did you injure your head or what? Are you finally admitting that, Y/N? Never thought I’d hear it from you.”

You catch yourself slipping, slapping your mouth. “Yup, I think I injured my head. But no worry, pretty boys like you are dime a dozen. I’ll find you anywhere.” You nervously snort, internally disagreeing to your own words. There is something about Taehyung’s charming ways that always keep you on the edge, and you have never found it in anyone else.

“That’s more like you.” He hums. “Go to sleep, Y/N. It’s been a long night, you deserve it.”

You hum lowly while closing your eyes, feeling the sudden sleepiness embraces you. “Okay. Thank you so much for today, Taehyung. I owe you one, okay? See you soon.”

Taehyung finally closes the call, a thin smile reaching his lips. Seriously, he doesn’t know how he can go through everything in the span of 24 hours, the thing with Mina, meeting you and breaking all his platinum rules for a girl he thought he wouldn’t see a second time. A statement from your grandmother suddenly passes through his head and Taehyung shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

She is a strong girl, but she is fragile right now, and in need for someone to believe in.

Someone to believe in? That's most absolutely not him. Frankly, he is the absolute far on the other side from someone to believe in. He doesn’t even believe in himself, how could your grandmother say that to him? Does he seriously look like someone to believe?

But when Taehyung rewinds what your grandmother explained, along with the panic attack you had just a few hours ago—he finds it peculiarly identical to himself. In a way, both of you are scarred. Life takes a huge toll on you, and he can understand what you were feeling. Living with a deep scar itself is scary, but now that he knows that he is not alone—there is someone, deeply affected about something alike, he doesn’t feel so alone anymore. All these times he always feels like he needs someone, that he is a burden to someone, but it feels reassuring to be the one lending a hand for someone else’s misery. 

Among the silence and his busy thoughts, the phone rings. Taehyung is quick to answer and the call resonates on his car. “Yes. I need car service. Some idiot bastards just scratched Cecil, it’s pretty bad. They scratched it with knives I think—i don’t really know. You can pick her up on my usual. Thanks.”

*

It has been a week since you last saw Taehyung that eventful night, and even with how desperate you are to text him again, you find yourself hesitating while typing the words. What if he thought you are looking deeper into everything? You are just a mere girl he fucked before, and it is as clear as a day that Taehyung dislikes and avoids any form of attachment—and even though you are not even offering anything other than trying to pay all his kindness back, you are still unsure.

Since that night, one thing that you know is your grandmother loves Taehyung—she can’t stop talking about him and asking where he is ever since that night. Both of your parents are aware as well, they are a bit hysterical at first at the unannounced appearance of a boy close to you—you know how wary they are ever since your last boyfriend, but after hearing how great he is from your grandmother slash the best personality judge to ever exist, your parents easily approve. Could also be to the fact that they are quite amazed by such a young man using a luxury Audi car—yes, your parents are primitives like that.

But another thing you notice is how over-jubilant they are at the sudden appearance of Taehyung, more than you expect. You know how much they have been stressing over the fact that you might still be in contact with your ex—which you still are, but they are better off not knowing—but you didn’t know it would go to that extent. They can finally joke about you finally being in ‘young’ love, which is also total nonsense. 

The worst thing is that your mother even called you and cried one night, telling that she is relieved that you finally can find someone else instead of coming back to your previous toxic relationship with your ex—oh, how can you let her know? At that time, you feel guilty beyond words. There is literally nothing going on between you and Taehyung—you even doubt if you can label whatever going on between you as friendship, it all could be just a charity work on his part, but you don’t have the heart to say so to her. Hence you just nod, promising that you would try asking him the dinner your mother asked for.

And now it’s all more confusing since you don’t know how to approach the matter. There is no way in hell Taehyung would ever agree meeting your parents—and the case itself is helpless. But your parents are very happy now, and to have it knocked away for a lie would greatly affect them in a bad way. Especially starting today, you moved out from your shared apartment back to your parents home. You love your independence, but you desperately need the money, especially since the extra side job of writing columns pays now needs to be shared with your parents as well due to your father's condition that enforces him to do his routine dialysis. The insurance helps, but it still costs massive on the pocket so you are more than willing to help them.

So you are seated now, waiting for your class to start. Your fingers tapping on the keyboard to draft a message that will be sent to Taehyung. It has been twenty agonizing minutes, and by every word typed and erased, you feel jittery. To the point you are finally too tired and give up, slamming your phone on the table and running your fingers through your hair in distress.

The sudden ring of your phone comes into your senses, and you are expecting nothing but then seeing the message, it effectively fastens the pound in your chest and you literally think you will cry. It's literally godsend, actually—how can he come through at the time you need him the most is beyond you.

From : Taehyung

Hi, just wanna ask if that ‘thank you so much for today, Taehyung. I owe you one, okay? See you soon’ thing is true or just bogus since i did not get any message since last week

You smile wholeheartedly, right from ear to ear at his witty message. So you swiftly type in another response, which may or may not contain a bit of a lie but Taehyung is better off not knowing how much you think of him in the past week.

To : Taehyung

Hi, sorry the bitch you are contacting is busy with packing her things to move back home. Can she meet you later this afternoon for lunch?

You don’t even have to wait for another long minute as his reply came almost immediately.

From : Taehyung 

Sure! But she better be paying cause Taehyung is sloppy and forgot to bring his wallet! 😉

You chuckle lightly, typing the cafe name located near college, following another message.

To : Taehyung

Such slop. But no worries, she would gladly pay! Since she should finish the class quite early, she's going to wait for you in the near park, so find her there, okay?

From : Taehyung

Don’t know until when we are going to address ourselves in third perspective but I am all for it. See you soon, beautiful! xx

You roll your eyes at his flirty text. Fuckboys and their annoying suave talks, yet inside, you are unable to hold your lips from smiling—to the point that your ex-roommate had to question how suspiciously vibrant you are today, especially during the worst class to date. You respond with a shake on your head, still with the same foolish smile plastered on your lips that is too eerie to be true for her.

Right after it’s finished, you run to exit the class—more because you need to avoid the question from your best friend on where you are heading, since you are meeting her boyfriend’s best friend you said you hated. It also seems like Taehyung is also inconvenient to let Jungkook know about your rendezvous, so you decide to keep this for yourselves first.

The weather on your way to the cafe is amazing, the afternoon breeze is lukewarm, the sun is adequately shining, conveniently settling on the skin. When you arrive, you take a seat on the nearest bench, heaving a deep breath and close your eyes. You clearly feel happy, contributed due to the weight from thinking about Taehyung and your parents slightly lifted off your shoulder. At least now you are on a talking basis with him. That’s a progress.

But as it always has been, something just had to ruin your temporary happiness. He is there, seated right beside you. Noticing the weight press on the other side of the bench, you look up, and finding your past lover, Jisung.

“Jisung!” You gasp in shock, your heart nearly falls out of your chest. He is here, in your college, right beside you. “What are you doing here?!”

He smiles, his fingers raised to your ear, settling a few stranded hairs behind your ears. The affectionate gesture suddenly throws you off your horse, as the sudden confusion does bring unwanted memories of your past with him. “I just wanted to see you baby. How you are doing, right now. I see you went home safely that midnight, quite shocking I would say.”

At his unpleasant words, you swat his hands away, facing him with a cold, hardened stare. “You are a jerk, you know that? You let me go home all by myself, in your own dangerous neighborhood when I went there to give you what you need. You are seriously the worst.” Muttering your sentence, you feel a tidal wave of anger and sadness crushes you in. 

“Hey, I don’t mean it like that, babe. You also get to go home with your hotshot fling as well, so you can thank me, right?” He sarcastically responds, and you feel repulsed at his words mentioning Taehyung—who in high chance must have brushed his annoying male ego. Jisung scoots to your side, his arms holding you close. But you felt nothing but disgust.

“Don’t be like that, baby. You know I miss you. No matter how far you are searching for someone better, or richer, I will be the only one who understands you and your body, babe.”

You are silent, neither accepting or rejecting his advances. You feel numb, you feel used, yet you don’t do anything to push him away. It’s like whenever he is near, you feel the urge to fix him. He was the victim—and so were you. Yet he was the one that was and still is greatly affected by the wrongdoings of other people. So you still believe that the good Jisung you love is there, somewhere inside this man you barely even know.

Jisung was your boyfriend, two years ago in high school. He was a humble, smart scholarship boy that loved to play soccer. You were just a simple girl who loved to write about everything on your blog, especially lenient towards politics and policy. One simple day after a busy semester—due to your social science project team that always sends you on heated debate with him, Jisung somehow confessed. He told you he always liked you, the way your eyes crinkle while writing, the way you scoff during debate, and especially the way you smile for everyone but him—it was a surprising yet sweet confession, but against all odds you accepted it since you did adore him, even with the debates and nonsensical statements coming out of his mouth. That’s how you started a blooming, new relationship with him.

Six month passed, and you could proudly say that you were indeed in love with him. He was sweet, albeit dumb sometimes, he is the kindest person to ever exist and you loved it for him. Everything was great, but as most things, it all finally went downhill—when a transfer student is registered at your class. His father was the right hand of the president at that time. Few weeks in, you realize that he put too much attention on you. You tried to ignore it, but the contact was getting intense so you set him straight that you did not like him and you had a boyfriend. But being a golden spoon kid since he was born, he never learned rejection. 

One Friday evening, when you had just finished your assignment in the library and were about to meet your boyfriend to head home together, that transfer kid pulled you away and kidnapped you to the back of the school. He was angry at your rejection, and forced you to do the things you never wanted to do with anyone, and you loudly screamed for help. The enormous school was nearing empty due to the weekend, and no one could hear you. You were nearly losing hope, too weak to do anything but cry, then your boyfriend found you. He was going to check up on you since you already took a long time, but seeing the unbelievable scene, he instantly sent a hard punch to the bastard, right on the face. But not even a punch or two suffice, Jisung punched him to pulp until he passed out, with you shivering and crying loudly on the side. 

Then a few days later, everyone finds out about the issue, and somehow the media caught it as well, the president’s right hand son is hospitalized due to a school fight. But one thing that did not sit right was that everything in the story is twisted to transfer kids' benefit. He was hospitalized, so the school and media immediately sided on him, telling that he was injured by a rebellious kid in school and disregarding the real cause of the matter. You tried hard to explain to your headmaster, everyone that might believe you, but there was no evidence and you were the girlfriend—you were trusted not to be objective. So Jisung was expelled from school, and his scholarship was taken away from him. His strict parents did not believe him even a bit and kicked him out of the house. Jisung’s life hit rock bottom. 

You were heartbroken and guilty beyond words. Jisung had his life crumbling down in a moment, all because of you, because he helped you and defended your honor. You owed him everything, and you knew how hard it was for him. Jisung refused to see you, and when you tried talking to him about it, he harshly broke up with you, crying and shouting while implicitly blaming you for how his life turned out. You also cried that evening, and you begged him not to and promised you would do everything in your power to help him.

But no matter how hard you begged him to stay, he still went missing for a few months and you cried nearly everyday. It was killing you, to the point you didn’t even want to go to school anymore. You hated everyone—you hated how unfair life was for him, someone you loved so much. And frankly, you missed Jisung, you miss your ex-boyfriend and would do anything to have him back. There’s never a day you forget sending him a message, apologizing and begging him to come back. 

And he did come back to see you, exactly four months after. But at that time, he already changed. He was no longer the sweet, affectionate Jisung you loved and remembered—he was someone else. He joined and lived with a rebellious gang downtown. As predicted, he did not continue his studies, and god knows what conniving things he was doing to get money on a daily basis. When he came back and professed his love for you, you were hesitant. He was no longer your Jisung, but the complete opposite. But the next day he called you, crying about how life was becoming too hard and wanted to take his own life. That was also the time you’d do anything for him to stop, and agreed to get back with him. And thus began the most horrifying part of your life, one you never even want to remember.

“Baby, don’t you miss me?” He whispers to your ear, noticing your distant stare and silence. But you pushed him away, realizing how improper that you are still in the university area. “I missed you so much. No one can ever suffice your beautiful body against mine, babe.”

“Stop it, Jisung. I am not your sex slave, the one you can do anything against my will.” You hiss, pushing him away with a hardened stare filled with hatred and disgust. “I gave you the money you want. What do you want more from me?”

“I need more, of course.” He grinned, running his fingers on your lips. “Money is hard nowadays, babe. I notice that you got yourself a new, rich fling now. Get some of that hard cash and give it to me, will you?”

You stand up, peering against  in disgust, but you were saddened beyond words—tears pooling on the side of your eyes. “You are the worst human being. I am not giving you anything more, especially when you are going to spend it on gambling and sluts.” 

He pulled you back down, nails stabbing your skin until you are sure it will bleed. Your heart pounds too loud until it echoes in your ear. “Listen here, you bitch. Do you know who caused me like this? It’s you. You ruined my life, and you have to take responsibility for it.”

He lets go of your hand and leaves you trembling and your breath irregular. Dizziness suddenly enters your head, and you never feel alone to that extent you want to puke to the exhausting feeling. You hold your legs closer to your chest, hiding your face inside to shout all the frustration bubbling up in your chest, as loud as you can.

“Y/N, why are you— What did he do?!”

It’s Taehyung, you are well aware it is him. A sudden recognition of the promised lunch you have with him passed through your head and you take a few deep breaths and try to shove the matter far away from your mind. You look up to him with a forced smile, wiping away your tears with the back of your sleeve. “Taehyung, how long have you been here? Sorry, I didn’t—”

“I was here before you even came. I was on the other side of the park, and noticed you were talking to some guy. I did not want to interrupt and left for a while, and I came and you are already crying. What the fuck happened, Y/N?” Taehyung asks in deep frustration on his eyes, his palm cupping your face to look up to him. “Who was he? Was he—the one you were meeting a week ago?”

You are not answering, still looking faraway to nothingness and Taehyung hiss in agitation. “Y/N, I am no longer taking this lightly. This—this is bad. Please, tell me about this.” When you are still silent, Taehyung looks at you somberly, pleading for you to look back at him. “Y/N. I am your friend. Please, please let me help you.”

And then you break down into loud sobs, finding purchase in his arms around you. You never felt so sad before—all the bad memories from your past coming back to you, throwing you back into a state of panic. But as Taehyung soothes your back in a calming manner, listening to your incoherent words, you can gradually breathe. “I am sorry. I am such a mess.” You whisper to him, and let go of the hug. “I don’t think I can tell you without you being disgusted at who I really am. I am not the girl you thought I was, Tae. I am way worse.”

Taehyung looks up at you with a serene smile, wiping the tears away from your cheek. “Y/N, I am telling this because I know you will not prematurely judge, but I kissed a married woman last week. There’s no way you can top that.”

Your eyes are wide in shock at that, and Taehyung smiles at your reaction. Regardless of being scared that you will assume anything without him getting to explain, he is just glad he can be truthful to someone, especially when it is you. “I don’t know if you would really listen to my boring story. But it has been bothering my mind for quite sometimes now. Can I drop that on you?”

You nod and smile at his effort trying to take your minds off things and feel better. Not that you dislike it—it does succeed. “Of course. But not if we have to sit here, starving. Do you want to get in?”

He smiles, squeezing your shoulder and lead you inside the cafe. “If you are paying, then yes. If not, let’s go back to my frat and ask that shithead Jungkook to pay instead.”

*

After approximately four hours talking about each other and dirty looks thrown by the waitress at your prolonged stay inside, you moved places from the cafe to Han River, the exact spot you met him before—Taehyung said this was a place for him whenever he is sad and needs some time to think. Did you understand him better. He was a child of divorce, he is living with his father in Seoul and his mother is remarried and staying in London. The last time he met his father was six months ago.  At that time he said that he missed his grandmother a lot, he lived with her all through childhood but after she passed away, he was mostly taken care of by nannies. That’s why meeting your grandmother was a remedy or it’s kind—he was reminded of the fond memories with his own grandmother.

Taehyung also told you about the married woman he mentioned previously, and you felt sad for him. It must not have been easy, someone who does not really believe in love to have feelings for someone he can never have. But in a way, he believe there is a silver lining to meeting her—and in a way, you are amazed by how mature he was throughout everything. Yes, Taehyung may have scarred himself and the people around him, and done many things wrong as well, but to be able to live and act the way he did really brings him to a whole new light.

So when you told him with bright, tearful eyes about how much you are proud of what he did, it could be one of the moments Taehyung never thought he would cry in front of someone else but did. It was hard, like always feeling like he did everything wrong—but you are here, right in front of him, giving him the word he needed the most. He is glad that he was able to talk it out to someone, and that someone being you.

And when you are seated inside his car, looking out to the beautiful light posts alongside the Han River, you know it was your turn to open up and you did. You told him about everything, leaving no details about your past with Jisung. Even when you are just two sentences in, you are already crying, but it was inevitable. Taehyung holds your hands, his eyes filled with understanding. “Hey, hey. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

But you shake your head, smiling up to him and squeezing his hand back. “No-I need to tell you this. I want to tell you this. I think one of the main problems is that I always keep this from everyone—especially my friends. I would love it for you to know.”

Then you continue about your past experience. About how Jisung helped you against a bastard who was able to turn everyone to his side in the end. How Jisung left and put the blame on you. And in the end, you find yourself not being able to continue, but Taehyung kept you close, hugging you as he pecked the top of your head. “I loved him—I really did. I thought I did. It was all my fault—”

“Y/N, It’s not your fault. At the beginning, you both are just victims but after that, he was nothing but a manipulative asshole who used you for his own benefits.” Taehyung feels his heart clenched at the thoughts of your past with him—how you were held captive and forced to keep up to whatever vile activities he was doing with his gang. “Y/N, you got to stop going out with this guy. He did not even love you anymore—he is just using you…”

You know it, your sanity always told you that, but the moment Taehyung said it, it’s just.. disheartening. “I know, Tae. But—what if? What if the accident did not happen? What if we were not together? He could be living the best life right now, attending the best university in the country, meeting someone else better, helping his family's economy…”

Taehyung caresses your head, his low whispers awakening your senses. “Y/N, we cannot include what if scenario in this, you know it. Yes, there is a possibility that it should have gone better, but there is also a worse scenario too, right? And to be frank, all of the choices were on him. He could have done something better with his life, yet he was the one who chose hanging out with those bad guys, not you. So please stop hurting and blaming yourself now.”

You nod, resting your head inside his chest, crying every suffocating tears to your limit. “I wanted to. I wanted to stop, Tae. But I can’t, he will always come back.”

“Y/N, it might hurt but I think you should go to the police.” He advises, and you let go, looking up to him in shock. “It is just a suggestion, don’t hate me. I do think it is for the better. Your parents even forbid you to do so, and you were even hospitalized and depressed because of him. Now he always wants something from you, blackmailing you.. He does nothing but damage to you.”

Inside, this delusional part of you wanted to defend Jisung and all your own past doings, but you know you are not making any sense and Taehyung is right. But throwing Jisung inside jail? The thought even scares you. “I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”

Taehyung scoff in disbelief at your clear disdain of his suggestion. “Wait.. Do you—do you possibly still have feelings for this bastard?”

At that statement, you look away from his proding eyes. Do you? You are not even sure about that. Yes, Jisung could be the worst, most toxic people that caused nothing good to you, but you cannot lie that you always find yourself finding the goodness inside him, always reacting to his touches and sweet talks—it’s involuntary. You are an idiot that somehow still likes him… “I.. I don't know.”

“This is crazy.” Taehyung whispers, more to himself. He doesn’t even know how you haven’t thrown this bastard inside jail—and it is somehow because you still have feelings for him. “This is overly altruistic and borderline masochist, Y/N.”

“I… I know. Can we please drop it? I-I don’t want to talk about it for now.”

Taehyung realizes that he has been insensitively judgmental of you, and he winces and reaches out for your hand. “I am sorry. You are one of the strongest, greatest women I have ever known, and...  And I guess it’s sad to know that you have been through this and.. It’s nothing. I apologize.”

You look up to him and nod, looking up to him with a warm smile. “That’s okay, I can see where you are coming from. It’s a surprise as well, as I never thought you would be the great  listener type and give kickass advice too, Tae. You are a very great friend, do you know it?”

He cheekily smiles, shooting you a wink. “I’ve been told so. By myself, I mean.”

“I think we should drop the depressing, real talk.” You chuckle, and so does he. “I am glad we did it, but let's refrain from it for the time being. I am fucking drained now, and hungry.”

“Me too! I am starving. Do you want to grab something on the way home?” Taehyung looks around in vision, trying to move his car. You did not even realize the disappointment in the pit of your stomach at the mention of going home—your parents and grandma are the reason, but majorly due to the thought of the day is about to come to an end. It’s just ten pm, and you really, really had a pleasant time with Taehyung. “We can grab takeouts too, if you have to go home now. Or even we can go directly home and—”

He was nervous, and you cannot help but to smile of reassurance. “It’s okay. I’m thinking of McDonald’s. You in?”

He coos loudly with fake tears. “You know what, Y/N? You just get me.”

The way to McDonald’s, your mind is suddenly caught on the fact that your family is assuming Taehyung as your boyfriend. “Hi, Tae. Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, sweetheart.” He responds lightly, without noticing what the nickname does to you, focusing on the street in front of him, and you cannot hold the blush blooming on your cheek. You were thankful that it was already dark, or you would have let him catch you slipping for the nth time today. “Anything you want to know?”

“Yes. So…. get this.” You start with vivid nerves, looking down to your lap timidly. “My grandma really, really likes you. I don’t know what happened, or how can you hypnotist her since all she can talk about now is you. I think she even forgot I am the granddaughter sometimes.” Taehyung chuckles widely, showing the creases on the corner of his eyes and it is so infectious you can’t hold a smile either, the tense on your shoulder slightly loosening. “And since she could not shut up about you, my parents are aware too. About you, I mean.”

Taehyung looks at you, a hint of surprise on his face. “Uhm, really? Wow, never thought it would be that big of a deal.”

“It is. I didn’t tell you this, but I have never introduced any friends, especially male ones to family ever since Jisung happened…” You mutter, volume getting smaller by each word. “So, it was a big deal for them. And my family can be presumptuous sometimes.. And…” You hold your breath, your mind conflicted whether you should tell him or not because you are sure Taehyung would reject you straight away and harshly. You know it well, but your heart is pained at the imagination of Taehyung telling you to fuck off with your silly proposition. So you take a drastic turn and hold back your request. “I...No. It’s nothing.”

Taehyung looks at you in worry. “Hey, you can tell me anything. It’s okay.”

You look up to him with a pout. “Can you promise me you won’t be mean?”

“What are you—of course I won’t, Y/N.” He giggles, giving your hand a light squeeze that nearly takes your breath away. “You can tell me everything.”

“Okay, here goes.” You whisper, trying to muster the leftover courage. “So, my parents and grandma kinda can’t stop talking about you... thinking you are my boyfriend. I never brought anyone after Jisung and… they just thought it was a big deal.”  You look straight ahead, still afraid to find whether there is disgust on Taehyung’s face.

“So?” Taehyung asks neutrally. “It’s fine. You can just tell them the truth.. that we’re not dating?” There was an edge on his response, and you are certain he is not getting anything out of your desperate sentence.

“But I don't think I want to drop that on them.” You continue breathily, biting your lower lips in hesitation. “They are going through some tough times right now, with my father's sickness and all—the news about me dating an averagely decent man with no crime history list could probably be the only good thing going for them. They’d be disappointed to learn that we are just friends.”

“Well, they don’t know who I am yet—what if I am a mafia man with a kick ass car that I bought with money from bank robbery?”

You look up to him, rolling your eyes but trying to display your best puppy face to date. “You left a great impression on them… Can we at least pretend we are dating? For just a few weeks, and it’s nothing big, I swear. You still can do your hookups, whatever okay to you. I could just tell we broke up in the next month or whenever convenient.”

Taehyung looks at you in hesitation, a little bit unsure. “I know—but are you sure? All rom-coms never ended well for that fake relationship bullshit.”

“Surprise on you watching lots of rom coms aside, I know we’ll be fine. All those cliche bullshit always ends in anyone falling in love, but that’s not us, right…?” The second you say those things, a literal large, blazing red exclamation point on the side of the street. You are hoping it is not a bad omen. “Please say yes. I know this is a big thing and I owe you a lot already, Taehyung. But I swear this is the last time. I would do anything for you to say yes.”

Fake dating you? He did not know how to do that, especially since he has to talk to your parents whatsoever—even the thought scares him as he never got along with his own either. What if he messes up and everything goes down in ashes? Taehyung literally was about to reject, when your last sentence caught his attention, shown by his raised left eyebrows. “Anything?”

You scorn, sending a look at him in disgust. “Are you seriously asking sex out of the deal right now, Taehyung?”

“No! Of course not. That is unnecessary. You know I can have sex with you with your greatest consent and you’d be begging for it.” The cocky jackass dares to wink, and you hate how partly right he is with that. Well, maybe not just partly. “So, not that. Okay, I will agree to your proposition. I have something in mind.”

You nod, rubbing your palms together. “Okay. Lay it on me.”

“I want you to stop seeing that guy—Jisung, I mean..” You were expecting a lot of things, but not that. Especially not that. Hence the look of disbelief displayed in your face, eyes open like saucers. “ It’s for your own good, Y/N. There is no good coming out of hanging out with that guy. I know it’s not easy—I won’t force you all at once. So by the end of our fake relationship, I want you to completely stop everything. If he still insists on seeing you, or anything harmful to you, you put a 50 meters restriction on him, throw him into a jail or anything. You have to stop seeing this guy.”

You look at his challenging gaze, and seeing his expression you know his mind is already made. There are no other options besides take it or leave it. “But you are doing it for me. Don’t you want to ask anything? Other than that?”

He firmly shakes his head. “Nope. That alone would be a very great satisfaction on my part.”

“Serious? You don’t want anything else?” You ask one more time. “Just making sure you are getting the best out of this deal, since it won’t happen ever again.”

“Yup. And maybe if you insist, you can bring me breakfast or lunch too. That would be convenient since I tend to forget them.” He is joking, but you nod in all sincerity. You know how much you really need to do this, your parents have been struggling a lot—more or less you take a huge role in that, so at least you want to repay them even with a smooth, hopefully foolproof lie. “Your grandma must be a good cook; I tasted it a bit before and it’s heavenly. Maybe you can pack some of her dishes for me too.”

You nod. “She is. So… This means you in?”

Taehyung nods, with evident doubt still painted across his face. “Maybe. What does this exactly entail?”

“The regular, 1980 primitive relationships? No ass grabbing, no any mention of sexual things, no funny business. This needs to be very, very likable to my parents. You need to show you are the committed type that can only love one person and one person only, fall in love hard or that type of romcom bullshit.”

“Wow, so you are asking me to be the exact opposite of me, then. Did you just roast me, Y/N?” You giggle and nod—Taehyung might be a jerk but he is not a fool. Seeing your mischievous expression, he pinches your cheek with a scrunched lips. “I see. So no ass grabbing, no mention of sexual things and funny business—it’s only when your parents are around, right?”

It’s now your turn to glare. “I’m kidding. I’ll wait until you ask it yourself.” He winks, and you roll your eyes. Same old, fuckboy Taehyung. Will he be able to pull the act off is beyond you. “Anything else? Should I take you from home everyday, or domestic bullshit like that too?”

“Not really, but maybe once or twice per week? We can grab food on the way home if you want to. And Friday or Saturday nights too—but only if you don’t have any party to attend. If you have no worries, i’ll just make up some lies.”

“It’s okay. I’ll take you out on those days.” He nonchalantly nods, like he just did not imply about giving up his parties and fuckboy activities for you. It is quite a surprise—you expect him to immediately refuse everything involving those holy days, and it sends an anonymous feeling right through your heart. 

“Beside, it will be just a month right? I’ll be okay missing a party or two.”

You clear your throat, looking down in faint disappointment. What were you thinking, seriously? Did you somehow expect him to sacrifice that much to mere, old you? He is a saint to even want to spend his friday night eating junk food with you rather than partying with those porcelain pretty girls on his side. “Sure.”

Another ten minutes spent just enjoying the silence with other Bee Gees songs playing in the background, and Taehyung breaks the silence. “So, if in case I refuse this. What would you do then?”

You purse your lips in contemplation since you haven’t even thought that far. What if Taehyung refuses? “I don’t know, haven’t thought that far. Ask Hoseok, maybe? He is polite, nice, cute too. My parents would be impressed.”

Taehyung snorts, a hint of dislike palpable across his beautiful features at your mention of his frat buddy, the one you acquainted to. “Wow. Just a few minutes into this fake relationship and you are already comparing your fake boyfriend to someone else. What a nice fake girlfriend you are.”

You fold your arms in front of your chest in irritation. “Hey, I just say what I think is right! You cannot lie that Hoseok indeed looks fine and cute, he is well-mannered too. And the fuck, why are you so self-centered? I am not saying it to make you jealous, you—” 

At your last sentence words, Taehyung suddenly hits break, abruptly stopping his Cecil from moving; your head almost strikes the dashboard if it weren’t for his arms holding you still. You are about to curse him, right before you can see the dangerous, cocky smirk formed on his lips, then the alarm inside your head goes off, all words are dead on your tongue. 

“A little bit you should know about your fake boyfriend, Y/N. I am very, very territorial. A word of advice? Never test it for yourself.”

*

So come the first day your plan of faking your relationship in front of your family. It is Monday morning, both you and Taehyung have an 8am class. Regardless of the inconvenient of waking up, it is simultaneously the perfect time to fake those lovey dovey teeth-rotting routines in front of your parents and quickly excuse yourself with attending an early class as a reason. So that’s how you force yourself up a half an hour earlier than usual—since you always woke up at 7.30 for an 8 am class—put an effort to present yourself better. You know your mother wakes up early every morning, so you purposefully blow your hair with your loud ass hair dryer to invite her in and ask why the hell are slobs like you doing up so loud at 6am in the morning.

“Nothing, Taehyung is actually picking me up this morning, so I just.. I just want to prepare early.” You fake a shy smile, and that’s how your irritated mother goes 180 degree changes and help you decide on what you should wear—a blue sundress that sits on your knees, along with a matching navy dress shoes, which is kinda unlike you—who the fuck masochist enough to wear makeup and dress for an 8am Monday class?

And you are fidgeting on your dining room seat now, counting the seconds for Taehyung to appear and finally take you out from this hell hole called your house—your mother can’t stop gushing about you being picked up by your handsome new boyfriend. He should be here anytime now, is it possible that he bails on you the second he really needs to execute the plan?

Few minutes go by and you are this close to leaving by yourself, and the familiar car engine sound is heard and you instinctively look out the window. It’s Cecil—god, you are even addressing Taehyung’s dead stuff with names too now—parked in front of your lawn, you can hardly believe it really is him. You swiftly stand up, hearts pounding a bit with your mind turning hazy. You are seriously going to do this—you are faking a relationship with Taehyung. The Kim Taehyung. You are seriously fucked.

“It’s your boyfriend! Invite him in for breakfast, Y/N!” Your mother giggles, and you answer with a wholehearted shake of head, internally cringing of the image. You are a genius for thinking every possible risk beforehand.

“No, mom. We have an 8am. I packed lunch too, we are going to eat it later, it’s okay.” You answer her hastily, securing your bag on your shoulder before walking out to open the gate for him. You can feel the cold sweat perspiring—there is no doubt your relatives are now scrutinizing every movement of your being. At the thought of being caught, you can’t even breathe normally, too wasteful of the air around you.

Yet when you open the gate and see Taehyung on the other side, smiling warmly at you, your heart literally skips a beat. You cannot believe it is really him, wearing a flannel shirt and black jeans, a bucket of purple rose on his hand. His black gleaming hair is neatly styled sideways, displaying a hint of his forehead. He simply looks… breathtaking. Is it really him, standing in front of you right now? Are you hallucinating?

“Good morning. You look beautiful today.” He greets with a compliment you never thought you will ever hear coming from him—or anyone the first thing in the morning, along with a charming smile that somehow brighten your vision.

“Thank.. you? And good morning to you too..” You whisper breathlessly, still in haze of the fact that he is here, standing in front of you.

“I brought you flowers.” He says, handing over the flowers to you. You receive it with vivid hesitation, looking down in shock while he continues, still with the same smile. “Should I hug you now?”

“W-what?”

But before you can even respond, Taehyung quickly holds you by the waist, pulling you close inside his arm, resting his chin on your shoulder. Your head is literally spinning—the warmth radiating from his body resulting in a strange emotion, but it was gone before you can even realize. “Let’s greet your parents, and then we can go? Are you okay with that?”

Still in a daze, you are only able to muster a nod as an answer. Taehyung just now, this is not the Taehyung you remember—the despicable fuckboy that doesn’t give a shit about anything and anyone, and is always looking only for short fun and severely allergic to any sort of attachment. And those eyes looking out for you and those acts he put up, you don’t know it’s just you or there is literally something so deep about it. Like he is not doing this just for charity and help you—but because somehow he really wants to. Are you that delusional?

So after saying goodbye to your parents still with not much words coming out from you—Taehyung mostly does the small talks and excuses for the both of you, you are now seated inside his car. “Hey. Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?” He suddenly asks, gazing intently at you with mild concern on his face. “I mean.. you are kinda silent. Is there—“

You are quick to rebut. “Nothing! Nothing’s wrong, I am just.. shocked. That’s all.”

He raised his left eyebrow. “Why?”

“I mean—I mostly did not expect you’d be this dedicated. You wear flannels, jeans, style your hair nicely when I know the most decent thing you wore could be your celine overpriced shirt and loose trousers. You even bought flowers! How can I not be shocked?” You nearly yell in defense, and Taehyung smiles at your amusing reaction.

“What can I say? I am a very, very dedicated person in whatever I do.” He cockily responds, and you scoff. 

“Pssh—Tell that to your studies.” 

He gasps in shock at your insult. “I get results! And I don’t wanna brag, but I literally watched three rom coms yesterday just to get into character. You have to applaud me for my effort.”

You peer at him—like all the changes he did isn’t weird enough. “Why?”

“Just because. This is the stepping stone of my acting gigs, I might offer fake boyfriend service after this. I really need to buy those McDonalds nuggets again.” You sigh, remembering a few days ago when Taehyung tasted your nuggets—not an euphemism—for the first time and literally ordered another five portions just for himself. Well, not like he can’t easily buy shares of McDonalds if he wants to.

Five minutes in silence, before Taehyung carefully brushes your arm with his own, somehow affectionately. “Regardless of this being faked whatsoever, I really do think you look beautiful today. You always look beautiful—but that dress outstandingly looks good on you.” He breathily compliments with a shy smile. You literally were expecting that flirty, mischievous eyes glint your way, so you can disregard it easily with Taehyung being a horny dog, but all you can detect from him is sincerity and you are silenced. It was like he wasn’t complimenting you just because of anything, other than his own will. And you do not know how to reply—you are not mentally prepared for that kind of sincere reaction coming from that renowned fuckboy.

“All jokes aside—I really think we pulled it off.” He giggles in delight. “You got nothing to worry about, sweetheart. I positively think they are charmed.”

A little voice inside you tells you that your parents are not the only one charmed, but you forcefully bury the thoughts away, throwing your gaze outside the window.

*

Few days passed without a hitch, and you can proudly proclaim everything went smoothly. Taehyung did offer to pick you up every morning, but it did not even make sense with your different schedules and the fact that he literally lives inside the university area with his frat. During those five days, you could easily reason with your parents about Taehyung’s whereabouts, saying he is busy but you explain that you meet him everyday for lunch. You are not fully lying though—you always deliver the food you promised, but whenever you do, you give it in a secluded area, and quickly leave as not to be catched by anyone. 

It’s not that Taehyung really asks to keep it under the table—but you just assume that it would be really awkward for the both of you if you were to be caught by someone. You know how fast the news would travel, saying that your college resident's most favorite fuckboy—especially after Jeon Jungkook's retirement—has a complicated relationship with a very plain girl such as you. It would be a shame for him, and you don’t really need another reminder about how undeserving you are to par with him.

Friday night it is, and you have been held hostage since afternoon until now, exactly 11pm by the team task paper you will be submitting Monday, along with Jinyoung who is your teammate and shares the class with you. Library closes at 6pm, so both of you continue on it, working alongside on the desk outside the library. Regardless of the short time knowing each other, you are glad to be partnered up with him—he is very thoughtful, smart, kind and easy to talk to. You are most definitely not complaining.

“We did it. I can’t believe we did it.” You whispers, faking sobs about how glad you are while typing soundly the last paragraph on your paper. Jinyoung chuckles, having a deep breath of gladness that everything has finally come to an end. It was clear that he has something on his mind—could probably due to the fact that his phone has been blowing up for the hundredth time already just in a span of an hour. You are surprised he even stayed this long—his part is already completed two hours ago yet he still insists that the call is nothing important, and he’d be okay helping you with the part you completely need help on, no matter how many times you ask him you’d be doing fine on your own.

Your phone suddenly rings, signaling an incoming message, so you check it with a quick glance. It was from Taehyung—but then you roll your eyes and continue whatever you were doing with no further thoughts whatsoever.

From : Taehyung

Hey, where are you? Come to the frat house, we are having a party babe xx

“So, where are you heading to? It’s Friday night, are you going out? Or to a party?” You nonchalantly ask, closing your laptop while gathering your things. He nods, typing something on his phone and gives you a short smile.

“Yup. My girlfriend has been asking for awhile.” He says like it’s nothing, and your jaw nearly drops. It’s his girlfriend, calling him like there’s no tomorrow? And he just ignored her for the sake of doing a task with you? Talk about dedication to education—but you suddenly feel the overwhelming guilt.  It’s not like you can’t do it tomorrow, but you are a perfectionist and just prefer anything to be completed asap before your over-glorified weekend. 

“You should’ve told me! I would be totally okay if you left first, there is no biggie. Besides, there is still time tomorrow to do it.” You desperately explain where you are coming. Jinyoung is kind, but it was unnecessary. “Now I feel guilty.”

“It’s no biggies! I do agree with you, I don’t want to hold it until yesterday. I also have something important I have to do.” Jinyoung assures, but you still feel not good about taking his Friday night out with the girlfriend for your silly ambition. “I.. I kinda have something in my mind. I know we just met—but do you wanna hear me out?”

You easily agree, and Jinyoung vigorously reaches out for something inside his pocket, and shows a red velveteen, small rectangular box. The gasp was inevitable—never in a million years would you ever guess it would be that. “Is.. is this an engagement ring?”

“Yes! Yes. I am going to propose to my girlfriend tomorrow.” He says, eyes sparkling with excitement and nerves. Seeing how sincere he is brought a lump in your throat. “I know it is early—everyone tells me I’m too young and whatever. But I’ve been with her since we were in middle school, and I just don’t think I want to be with anyone else. I am not usually that naive, courageous person to begin with, but I have never been more sure about anything like this.” He whispers, an evident edge is heard on his last word. “I.. I just want you to give me another perspective. Or not—if you are uncomfortable, but I just.. I am just curious. What do you think?”

“Wow. That’s a lot to process.” You whisper with a nervous chuckle. You don’t even know what you are thinking—too much is happening inside your mind and you have a hard time to process and make out something of it. “I think it’s amazing. And you know this girl for a longtime now, it’s a very beautiful thing and… I think you should go for it.” 

“Really? You think so?” Jinyoung asks, kind of not believing his own hearing. “You are actually the first one to support me. Not even my parents do.”

“I think the world has been too skeptical of love.” You whisper, the lump is getting evident and it is hard to even speak. “I know that there may be a hundred case of failed relationships out there—and people tend to assume everything will follow those majority cases. Even those pessimistic minds could even lead to more failure, you know? There’s nothing good that comes out with anyone tends to overthink so many things.” 

“But anyone still cannot deny the fact that there are two happy relationships that go against those hundreds. The chance might be small, but there still is. And if those years together makes you willing to put everything on the line and take the chance, I think you should propose..” One thing that you are sure of is that each word said you are no longer talking to Jinyoung, but yourself. It is to address your recent trait, about how sceptical you have been about having a real, sincere relationship with someone and always settle for less or good enough.

Well it's true. You heard and experienced these people around you, all the struggles, ruined relationships, especially the obnoxious men you had relationships with, have made you greatly cryptic of ever finding a love that lasts. You never thought it would be that hard to face one cold truth—maybe it’s you that really needs to start finding it with the ones that have the chance to have that with you. Instead of spending it for someone that only is looking for short fun, using you only for your body and leaving the moment he’s had enough.

“Thank you for that.” He mutters, the eyes filled with emotions yet his face lightens after hearing your encouraging words. “Exactly what I need to hear.”

Both of you are now standing on the busy street. “You wanna go home? Let me take you back.” Jinyoung kindly offers, and you couldn’t even hold back the snicker.

“It’s okay. Your soon-to-be wife is waiting.” You mum with a wide smile, even with a hint of sadness that you cannot suppress. You reach out to squeeze him in a short hug. “Good luck, Jinyoung. Wishing the best for you and her.”

After saying goodbye, you walk in the opposite directions of him, wandering with no exact destination. You don’t know what exactly happened to your lively mood, now completely blue and somber. What is it that makes you feel like you are now at the lowest point of your life? Is it possible that you just realized how far you have strayed from the person you wish to be, and now you are desperate to do something and rearrange your life back to the way it should be?

It’s quite depressing to know that there is the ideal life you have been planning and craving for a long time now, but one day you wake up and find you are heading the complete opposite direction and already strayed too far.

Your phone is ringing again, and you can just know it is Taehyung on the other side. He could be the last person you want to see now, but you are desperate to just answer and make him stop. You are most definitely not in the mood to talk with his annoying, pesky ass.

“Taehyung—”

“Y/N, where are you?! I asked your mother since you are not replying and she told me you haven’t come back home.” He shouts in discernible concern and worry with a faint music beat heard in the background—he must be still at the party, since 12am is still too early for these people to head back home, on the way of bad drunken state to the point of throwing up on the streets. If that so, why would he still be contacting you now ever since hours ago? If you are an idiot, you would let yourself believe he really is worried about you. And since when is he on talking basis with your mother? “Why are you not answering, Y/N?! Are you—”

“No, I am not.” You answer tiredly, knowing precisely that he is referring to Jisung’s place. You don’t want to debate him, all you want at the moment to be is alone and cry to your heart content. “I am just.. here. I am going home now, no worries.”

A good minute of silence. “Ah, you’re going home. Okay, good.” He still hesitates. “Text me when you are home.”

“I will. Bye, Taehyung.” 

You are about to press the red button on your phone when the booming voice of him is heard. “No! Wait. This party is boring, I wanna leave. Let me take you home.”

“Taehyung, I am in no way in the mood of dealing with your shit right now.” You curtly sigh, massaging your temple in distress. This persistent boy is surely a pain in the ass. “Talk to me tomorrow.”

Taehyung suddenly lowers his voice to the point of whispering, could probably detect how out of the character you are right now. “Hey, are you okay, sweetheart? You sound sad.”

You are about to say you’re okay, but your head is too heavy with emotions and even lying about being okay stress you out. “I am not. I am not fucking okay. I could arguably be at the worst point of my life. So can you leave me alone?”

“I know where you are. Stay there, I am coming.”

You don’t even know why, or how, or when Taehyung is coming, yet you obliged to his request. Because you don’t know what else to do, or where to go, and even believing in his almost unbelievable request seems appealing to you right now. All because you want to know if he’ll come through or not. That’s how you settle on sitting in front of a closed ice cream shop, holding your legs closer to your chest, your mind wandering to the things you can’t even point out.

Yet against all odds, in just ten minutes of waiting you can detect the black Audi stopping on the side of the street, with Taehyung walking out of it and on your way. You quickly stand up, erasing the remnants of tears on both your sticky cheeks before Taehyung crushes to you, engulfing you inside his arms. His palms caressing the top of your hair, nose buried in your hair, all for you can somehow feel better.

“Why are you sad, Y/N? Something bad happened?” He questions slowly and carefully.

“Yup. Life happened.” You nod, your finger hesitantly intending to reciprocate his hug but you refrain to doing so. There is no good in doing that anymore, especially now. “Everything just.. sucks.”

Taehyung giggles breathily at your sentence, ironically finding mirth in your words. His two thumbs at the either side of your eyes, wiping the leftover tears. “Isn’t that my daily thoughts. Let me take you home, and we can talk on the way?”

On the way to his car, Taehyung securely places his arm around you, squeezing you close to his side before opening the door for you. And before the car is about to move, he ensures your seat belt is strapped and secured well, while all you can do is to stare at him, wondering what the hell is he thinking for doing all these way-over-affectionate acts to you with no surveillance of your parents. 

The words that are directed to ask about the fuck did he mean with all these things are already in the tip of your tongue, but you decide against it. It would be very awkward and presumptuous for you to assume that someone who is literally allergic to relationships is doing that because he has certain feelings for you. Or maybe because you are too scared to find out and get hurt in the end.

“How did you know I’m here?” You question aloofly and he smile.

“Besides being a genius with such great sense? Yup, I heard the ice cream shop advertisement songs when I called you.” He proudly sing-songs like it’s his proudest achievement. You snort, realizing that you indeed a dumb.

“So, what did you do before? I thought you had something to work on.” He casually asks while stealing glances at you, noting your deep silence. “Did you finish your paper?”

“Yeah.” You simply nod, trying to focus on anything else other than looking sideways, to him. “You? Got bored at the party? No girls interesting enough to fuck tonight?”

Taehyung hums in grief, and the coldness washing over your heart is greatly detectable. “Yup. The drink is so-so, the music is boring, the people are boring. You’d start thinking that this party is just too repetitive, you know?” You think you sincerely wished the bitterness on your tone were undetectable, but the fact that Taehyung is utterly insensitive by your sarcastic question bothers you a lot. God, you are such a mess. “So, now that your paper is done, are you busy? We can talk. Or go somewhere else you’d like?”

You look at him, finding the flirty, mischievous smile plastered on his face, but it only adds the feeling of nausea inside your chest. “Do you know Jinyoung? I think he is from engineering too.”

Taehyung nods, a tad bit surprised at your sudden change of topic, yet you continue. “He is my task mate for this paper. And wow… I am really amazed at him.”

“Amazed? Why?”

“So he told me he will propose to his girlfriend tomorrow.” You explain, trying to sound nonchalant. “It’s just amazing, I think. How can someone be sure to marry someone else at such an early age, that he will stay true to just one person and one person only for the rest of his life?”

“What—Seriously? There is still people as naive as that?” Taehyung snickers, and you could feel your heart drop at his vivid disdain at the mention of serious relationship. “Come on, it's the 21st century. People really think anyone can be chained into a monogamous relationship for the rest of their lives? Grow up.”

“He has been in a relationship with her since middle school.”

Taehyung’s eyes are wide as saucers. “And still wanna go through with that? I can see why you said it’s amazing, Y/N.”

“I think alike too.” You curtly sneer, folding your arm on your chest. “He asked me what I thought about it and I encouraged him to go ahead and propose. And do you wanna know why I am sad? Because I’m jealous, Taehyung. Along the way, I have turned too skeptical of love and started losing faith that I’ll have someone like that too. Too tired of actually thinking about who I should date and instead settle for undeserving men. I hate it.”

“Y/N, trust me. I know how men think, especially all these boys. It’s easy to think you can tie them up into a relationship, but it’s like.. a timer, waiting to blow off.” Taehyung stubbornly explains like love is a disease—just the way you expect him to. “It’s like you are waiting for the heartbreak. Please don’t be naive like that.”

“So what if I try and I fail?” The frustration is clear in your tone, irritated that Taehyung exactly sounds like a parent telling their kid Santa doesn’t exist. “That doesn’t mean I’m naive. At least I’m a step closer to finding sincere love, not like you fuckboys that are allergic to have a mutual love and respectful relationship.”

“Y/N, when you are a child of divorce, it is hard to believe that love does exist.” Taehyung intently stares at you, before letting go the breath he has been holding. “It’s not entirely impossible, I know there are some happy marriages too. But how can you guarantee you’re that lucky 1% with the compassionate, dreamy, lovey dovey monogamous relationship you have been worshipping about? It’s unrealistic—and doesn’t make sense.”

“But how can I know if I don’t try?!” You ruffle your hair in frustration, face reddening in anger. “I’d rather try and fail rather than not do anything at all. But you know what? I have no one to blame but myself. I am the one thinking that I might find love in college, filled with pubescent fuckboys. You are right, Taehyung. I should have known in the first place. I have to avoid you—exactly boys like you.”

Taehyung reaches out to you with his right hand, sadness and panic coloring his face. “Hey—hey. I am sorry, Y/N. Please, please don’t be like this. I overstepped it, I know. I—you’ll find it. You’ll love someone that truly loves you too. Don’t be like this, okay? I am sorry.”

Realizing that you have not replied since the fight occurred few minutes ago, Taehyung stops his car on the side of the street, just a few metres from your house. He is now facing you, holding your hand while brushing it against his thumb in regret.

“I am sorry. I was wrong, it... it wasn’t my place to be judgmental about your life choices.” Taehyung is quick to apologize, his large eyes showing nothing but genuineness. “I am just.. Sad. I am sad. You know why Y/N?”

You still are not looking at him, but he continues, even with constricted throat. He is too desperate. “Because I care about you. Seeing you cry, it’s like seeing myself too. I feel awful whenever I see you cry, I think even worse than my own. And the thought of someone breaking your heart? I don’t want to imagine that.” Taehyung whispers, shifting you to face him, eyes locking with a splash of anguish while your heart pounds fast until you can hear it echoes in your ear. 

“I have opened myself to you more than anyone else, and I’d like to think you do likewise. I am comfortable talking to you, and for you to talk to me as well. And to imagine that you have someone else that you will go to whenever you are happy, or sad, or in need of a mere hug—it’s just… it’s making me feel lonely and sad.” The smile on his lips is now painted with a hint of sadness, eyes looking down to his lap. 

“These few weeks with you.. I feel good. I finally, finally feel good about myself, like I’m not alone again. You make me kind of want to protect myself instead of hurting it. That’s a first.” Taehyung shyly chuckles, scratching his nape. Your eyebrows crinkled. What does he mean by that? He likes you, but only as a friend? Do you even want to find out and voluntarily get hurt?

“I just… Can I be selfish, Y/N? At least until you find someone deserving of all your love and attention?”

Instead of answering, you shut him with softly embracing his lips with your own. It doesn’t even need a mere second for Taehyung to respond, his arms are swift in supporting you by the waist, both your arms are secured around his neck. His lips are warm, fluff, and taste just the way you remember—like honey or great whiskey. The kiss is slow paced, nothing like your previous sexual encounters when both of you are just desperate to reach the ultimate peak, but now? You feel how much he savors every second, trying to make you as comfortable as ever with his gesture. As few seconds go by, his tongue has softly embraces yours, until you are left breathless. You softly tug his hair as he moans to the kiss, drunk with the taste of you.

At that time, you despise thinking. You despise the fact that you feel likewise. Too desperate to have him against you, to hold him close, to feel his lips, and you despise hearing the alarm screaming at the back of your head at how dangerous it is—you simply don’t want to stop. Yes, it is as easy as flipping over a hand to know that against every odd, you like him. You like Taehyung, the renowned fuckboy. And you don’t know when, or why. Maybe that one time he waited for you with no certainty and hugged you when you were having a breakdown. Or that time he listened to your story attentively and gave you an encouraging pat on the back. Or that time he picked you up, held you close, gave you flowers and kindly interacted with your parents. Or maybe all of it. You don’t know.

But then a scary realization enters you. You are just about to do it again—the thing you swear you will avoid with all you might. You settle for less. You are about to settle for Taehyung, this amazing, wonderful man who cares about you more deeply than anyone else, but will never go down that road with you. He doesn’t believe in relationships, he will never settle down and label himself for anyone. And this kiss you are sharing with him? Or the hook-ups you might just be this close of doing? That is literally driving you further inside this anonymous yet strong feeling you have for him. It’s doing you harm, and you desperately need to stop

That’s how you forcefully detach yourself for him, giving a thin, forced smile and mutter your goodbye whilst exiting his car. You quickly run to your house without even once looking back, closing the gate behind you while desperately looking up to avoid the tears from raining down on your cheek.

Yes, at least you tried, and now you know. It’s not Taehyung—it will never be him.

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You are correct, there is a second part to this that i’ll hopefully post soon! I really hope you like it, and please leave a message in comment and ask box, it would help a lot! thank you for reading, lovelies~

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