#me when i realize im like 100 more times suicidal than i thought i was | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

snkpolls · 4 years ago

Text

SnK Chapter 133 Results

The chapter poll closed with 1456 responses. This month’s poll results brought to you by /u/berthototototo ,u/staraves, u/_Puppet_, @shifter-lines and @momtaku

RATE THE CHAPTER 1,365 responses

Nearly 80% of the fandom rated chapter 133 as good or great. In comparison with most SnK chapters, that’s on the low side. Since this was yet another set up chapter it’s possible that the fandom is waiting to see what payoff there will be before they throw their full support behind the developments introduced this month.

lmao good chapter but wtf

It's the best paced chapter since the rumbling began.

All I can say is I can't wait for the next chapter.

Great start to the end

There were a lot of contrived moments here on the first read but I'm hopeful things will play out in an unexpected way.

One of the better recent chapters, felt well paced and most of the dialogue and events seemed logical and fitting. Nice to see one more location added to the AOT world before the end.

I’ve been doing polls for almost 30 chapters now, this is the first where I have no chapter rating, I need to see how all this plays out before I decide if I love it or hate it.

All of this self-reflection is annoying. Though that feeling is just more because of the fact that waiting a whole month for another ‘these hands have killed’ chapter is not exciting when we are so close do the end and I just want to see the ending already.

Average as fuck, the intention is good but the execution is not it, and the dialogues feel very forced and repetitive.

Not good at connecting the narrative plot points 'cause there's...hundreds of them at this point but I'm here for the character interactions and to see just what the hell that "See you, Eren" from the beginning actually meant

Good but I worry about the pacing, some of this should have came earlier, will wait to see what comes from it.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT 1,379 responses

Looks like a lot of people were glad to see that this conflict will not be resolved with a little heart-to-heart (34.9%). People also loved seeing child Eren being spooky with his new pal Ymir (18.8%). 11% liked seeing Eren’s friends reach out to him – or at least try. 9.4% liked Levi, because Levi. Connie, Jean, and Reiner sharing a moment of understanding warmed 8.6% of your hearts. 5.6% were happy to see Falco and Gabi brainstorming, and seeing Mr. Leonhart being a badass was the favorite moment for 3.6%.

I don’t know how it didn’t come up in this survey that Levi called Armin COMMANDER. That was my favorite moment by far. I also enjoyed the confirmation of Levi still caring about Eren. He always uses Zeke as a scapegoat. I somewhat feel bad for monke.

Isayama yeeting the Talk no Jutsu trope was my favorite moment!

I CAN"T BELIEVE THAT FLYING TITAN IS CANON LIKE HOLY SHIT

It was tough for me to decide a favorite moment from this chapter because every scene in this one was awesome. That's how fantastic of a chapter it was! I guess the only issue for me is the possibility of the Flying Titan actually becoming a reality when it felt too good to be true, but looking back, I think there was some foreshadowing to this becoming a reality.

God bless Isayama for the flying titan reveal

Favourite part was child Eren and Ymir standing in the paths.

Kiyomi being willing to die and sink with the ship actually hit me harder than I expected

Levi being the smollest husband is my favorite.

The gang forgiving RBA makes my heart weep with both melancholy and joy

WHO WAS THIS CHAPTER’S MVP 1,363 responses

Kiyomi and Eren are similar shades of green in this chart but I assure you it was Eren’s ranting about freedom (39.8%) and not Kiyomi’s talk of sacrifice and atonement (1%) that granted Eren this month’s MVP. Armin (18.9%), Mr. Leonhardt (9.5%), Falco (6.2%) and Levi (5.7%) are the other visible pieces of the pie.

#TEAMEREN

ANNIE IS THE BEST GIRL!

EREN IS A GENEROUS GOD

Falco is a good boy

Proud of armin for not backing out from commander role🤩

I love every time Eren shows up nowadays, other characters are getting a little worrying tho, Its starting to seem like alot of them have outlived their usefulness to the story and are just repeating stuff until their deaths.

Reiner handsome. That is all.

eren is just a cool badass

WILL ONYANKOPON ACTUALLY MANAGE TO GET THE PLANE TO EREN WITHOUT ISSUE, OR WILL THE HALF-CAPACITY FUEL TANK BECOME A RELEVANT POINT? 1,363 responses

Because Isayama has made clear that details as small as which direction Grisha is looking while leaving the house can’t go unquestioned in this manga, we asked about the fuel tank which is at half-capacity thanks to Floch, and whether or not it will present problems for those on board. A strong plurality, at 44.2% of you, think that they’ll run out of fuel, but it won’t be a massive hindrance. In second place, with almost exactly half of the votes as the first answer, 22.2% of you think Onyankopon will use the plan in some sort of suicidal attack, and just under 20% think the fuel tank will be a major roadblock in some other way. Lastly, ~14% of voters said they’ll make it just fine despite the damage. I admire your optimism.

I hope in vain that Onyankopon doesn't die. He won't even get to go to PATHS if he does.

THE TALK WITH EREN FINALLY HAPPENED… SORT OF. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING DESCRIBE YOUR THOUGHTS? 1,371 responses

Multiple select charts aren’t the prettiest but we like to think they do a good job of showcasing what the fandom thinks on a topic. While none of the options this month reached any sort of consensus, they do provide a snapshot of what we want and expect from Eren.

Of the items offered, only “I’m glad Eren was firm and there will likely be no Talk no Jutsu” reached 50%. The other more popular choice were “I’m surprised Eren reached out to them instead of the other way around” (41%), ��THAT PATHS STUFF IS STILL SO COOL” (38.8%) and “I’m glad so many were able to talk to him and it wasn’t just EMA” (33%).

The more negative options, ‘Eren was unnecessarily cruel, his friends deserve better”(13.8%), “I’m mad that Eren is letting them fight him. It’s like he wants to lose” (10.6% ) and “I don’t like Eren dismissing the possibility of talking” (8.1%) received only a fraction of support.

it looks like Eren is committed to HIS path, which backs his friends into a really tough corner. I can't say I'm surprised; we've seen it coming since they got to the ocean, we just didn't want to believe it.

Paths do be lit tho

I really wish Eren would stop the rumbling. He had done more than enough.

Eren's speech, didn't feel like him talking. It was way too typical, he used his catchphrases way too many times. This could be done on purpose for an in-story actual reason, but if it wasn't, i'm not a fan of it. The alliance talking about the colossal being able to defeat eren, makes me think armin won't be able to. I think Armin and Reiner still don't understand Eren's intentions, i fully think he does not want to be stopped. Eren is going to try to kill all of them.

I love Eren dialogues. I just loved the chapter and paths scene so much. Quality character development!!

Feel sad about Erens "catch me if you can" - I wish that the alliance will work together with Eren ....

Thank god for no talk no jutsu

he's been allowing them to use their titan powers, even against the Yeagerists who were supposed to defend their country. That means Eren doesn't dise with his friends, but doesn't side with his own supporters. Yeah, Eren's a dick.

WHOSE WORDS TO EREN DID YOU ENJOY THE MOST? 1,366 responses

The attempts at talking to Eren were almost a character rorschach test as each individual brought up what was closest to their hearts in an effort to stop the rumbling. While none of their pleas impacted Eren, we were curious which one the fandom enjoyed most. Levi’s promise of an ass kicking (32.5%) was the favorite, distantly followed by Mikasa’s more impassioned “Let us share your burdens” (24.9%).

Levi beeing sassy again - awsome

Mikasa saying she wants Eren to share his sins with her may be a hint for what's to come. I think she won't be able to let go of Eren and turn against the alliance to protect him.

Levi is hilarious

Honestly, the alliance have been so clueless that even Eren himself had to spare a moment for them, explicitly telling them that talking is never an option with Eren ‘I must always fight’ Yeager.

Look man, I'm an Eremika shipper and all but I really wish Mikasa didn't go on her usual "I'm here for you Eren" spiel in paths. It felt a little forced, and this would've been a good arc to have some more upfront and major changes as to how Mikasa sees Eren, but to get that usual "100% devotion" Mikasa that we've seen all series after we got signs that she's changed how she sees Eren was kind of disappointing.

I knew that the alliance talking to Eren won't work

Everyone is all sad while trying to convince Eren to stop the rumbling, and there's Levi cracking up jokes 😂

EREN PREEMPTIVELY TOLD THE ALLIANCE TO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH HIM AND TO ATTACK HIM WITH THE INTENT OF KILLING HIM. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? 1,357 responses

It seems to be another month of Isayama dangling Eren’s motivations in front of us, though this time we got some substance in the form of some surprising words to the alliance. The most popular interpretation is the straightforward one (30.1%), that it’s as Eren says and he is genuine in not wanting to step on his friends’ freedom. Up next is people who support Reiner’s hypothesis of Eren wanting somebody to stop him (21.2%), with decreasingly popular choices being Eren wants to be killed only after the rumbling is complete (15.5%), he’s just continuing his daily “freedom” spiel (12.4%), and he’s confident in the alliance’s inability to stop him (11.6%). Many opted for the write in option to share their original theories (5.6%).

Seemed like a cry for help to me.

Im convinced that he wants to be stopped, he just doesn’t realize it yet.

Inconsistent character writing lol

Eren loves his friends, so much that he is unleashing the Rumbling, but he only cares about them on a physical level. He wants them to stay alive, no matter how they are mentally.

Eren is in the darkest part of his mind and wants to die. However, his obession with freedom is strong, so he keeps moving foward and won't allow his friends to just kill him without fight.

He wants the alliance to challenge fate, as he thinks the destruction of the world is inevitable

I believe that Eren does want to win but doesn’t want to live with the guilt, but I just felt this moment was too forced, and honestly a little bit cringe, just didn’t feel like something Eren would say

It wasn't Eren talking

No idea, not even sure it's really Eren talking

There are only a few possibilities that make sense: Reiner is right and he wants them to kill him, Ymir is controlling the PATHS and trying to imitate Eren but doesn't quite understand that his concept of freedom is hypocritical, OR Eren only sees restriction of freedom enforced through PATHS as being truly taking away their freedom, like he thinks it's alright to manipulate, gaslight, beat and imprison his friends using his own voice and hands, but using the Founder is somehow too far.

it’s all a part of his plan even tho the fandom hates it. Just wait for it guys ;)

Eren wants the world to see that the Eldians they hate are saving them from the rumbling

If allaiance kills eren then the world will respect eldians more

Zero Requiem

I don't like the Lelouch scenario, it is contrary to what Eren's character really is. I believe there is more to this because why say it now, when he could have said it before ? There has been many holes with what he's doing.

Lelouch ending

LELOUCH LELOUCH LELOUCH

It means he values freedom over safety... which makes him look like a hypocrite because a lot of times he had no problem taking their freedom from them lol

hes hypcritical asf, getting to decide who can be free or not when he that literally was bothered by that himself. I think it was very selfish

Eren has become crazy had this point and his reasoning doesn't make sense, he's trying to dodge reality

Eren is just trying to define, create, and justify his own version of “freedom” because he can’t let go of his childish way of looking at the world. Letting his friends have their “freedom” almost feels like a cheap necessity he had to toss into his homemade definition of freedom.

Eren is a fucking narcissist, a hypocrite.

Eren is dumb

Eren is just doing what he has to do.

Eren's cool as fuck

He's literally giving them the choice to do what they want. The freedom of will. It's up to them to decide if they want to stop him by force or not. At the end of the day, Eren is already firmly set on doing what's necessary for Paradis.

If they want to die trying to stop the rumbling, they are free to do so. But, he wants them to know that negotiating is useless

Reiner is wrong, Eren doesn't want to be stopped because the Cringevengers are trying to take away his freedom to destroy his enemies

EREN IS DEPICTED AS A CHILD, AND WITH THE SAME SHADED EYES AS YMIR ONCE DID. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING EXPLANATIONS DO YOU BELIEVE? 1,339 responses

Child Eren appears again in this chapter, but now resembling Ymir even more. About half of the fandom thinks that the shaded out eyes is a sign of loss of free will. The other popular option, at 42.1% is that they’re depicted at the age they first got their titan powers. The idea that their eyes symbolize ignorance and that their child form symbolizes immaturity each got about 16%, and 10.5% of fans think Yams drew it this way just to look cool.

Alliance POV. They cannot understand Eren/Ymir, therefore their eyes (=windows to the soul) are obscured. Note that Ymir's eyes gradually got clearer from Eren's POV as he humanized her.

Carla died when Eren was still a child. He never healed from this traumatic experience, his child-self is still strongly suffering, that why he appeared as a child. I believe that the child next to Ymir is the darkest part of Eren's soul.

child self image is reflective of eren entering a state of naivety so as to bear the pain and gravity of the rumbling which he has caused

I think it symbolizes a kinda immature concept of freedom

"Slaves don't need two eye balls". Eren is a slave to freedom.

shaded eyes represent being blinded by their desire for freedom & child-like state represents their innocence even if deemed to be something more

The are the ages of their greatest trauma

Adult Eren couldn't live with the guilt so he's letting child Eren carry the weight.

Both of them are doing everything for the sake of others, at the moment they aren't even thinking about themselves. EREN wants the people he loves and cares about to live a happy life and for that he is ready to sacrifice himself.

Bert had shaded eyes when talking to Armin too. I think it means the character is going to do questionable actions but in a mysterious manner. If that makes sense…

Bertold had the same shaded eyes when he was acting as the villain in rts. Same for Eren/Ymir here. Like Bertold, he is willing to kill his friends

Eren could have split his psyche similar to Reiner did with Marco. He is so distraught from his actions that he is using his child self's willpower to continue moving forward.

What about that parasite thing that attached to Ymir in the tree? What if that's the big bad of the series, and has taken over Eren?

The eyes are closed because they are tapped into the Yggdrasil network and are looking at what is happening in the real world through an inner eye.

YMIR APPEARS TO BE ALIGNED WITH EREN. WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS? 1,329 responses

Ymir and Eren standing side by side was quite the sight to behold, but what does it mean? The large majority at 55.9% believe it indicates that they’re on the same side wanting the rumbling. 19.2% believe Eren to be a pawn to her now, 15.6% think it’s the other way around, and 9.3% think she’s on his side but is having doubts about her allegiance.

Corrupted by the Eren’s idea of freedom (Ymir’s freedom was taken from her); Child Eren is a prisoner of Adult Eren’s future actions.

Eren is taking Ymir's place as the lord of the Paths. Like Ymir, after he dies, he will live on in the Paths.

I low key think Eren is kinda being controlled by Ymir/ conflicting with her

Eren is now like Ymir, enslaved in Paths to something bigger

Ymir started controlling Eren when he was a child

Ymir and Eren are tied together now. One is definitely being influenced by the inner emotions of the other (possibly Ymir's years of resentment for her life since we saw Eren "sleeping" at the end of one of the previous chapters with the birds)

Eren as a child symbolises regression, immaturity and narrow-mindedness. Eren refuses to be an adult (aka making compromises, listening to others…) and enslaves himself to the simplistic ideology he had as a child. Ymir was a literal slave who never managed to emancipate herself despite her power. I think the parallel between the two is to make Eren's state of mind more explicit than it already was in 131.

EY is cute and canon

EREN SAYS ALL THAT’S LEFT IS TO FIGHT. WHO IN THE APPROACHING BATTLE WOULD HE BE WILLING TO KILL? 1,333 responses

Eren’s willingness to kill his own friends has been a topic of debate ever since the two sides separated, and this chapter pushed that question further. People seem to think Eren would hesitate the most with Mikasa and Armin, and hesitate the least with Pieck and Reiner, with the others falling into various middle positions, as the chart shows. The requisite to avoid Eren’s hit list seems to unsurprisingly be a pre-existing bond with him, with some leeway being given to children. Except for Gabi, it seems, but we all know how Eren fondly refers to her as “that brat”.

Eren has accepted that he will kill his friends, and wants to get it over with

Eren explicitly said "If someone tries to take my freedom, I won't hesitate to take theirs". That was in private to Zeke, so I don't doubt for a minute he will kill anyone in the Cringevengers he needs to in order to achieve it.

He is willing to kill them and I can't wait when some of the 104th will die already

Eren kill Armin already please

If Falco dies, I cries.

IF NEITHER SIDE STEPS DOWN, EREN SAYS THEY’LL COLLIDE. WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN THE BATTLE? 1,349 responses

The time to make your bets is here! As the long-awaited battle between the alliance and Eren approaches, the audience is almost evenly divided on what they think the outcome will be. If this poll counts for anything, the alliance are projected as the victors (50.6%), narrowly edging out (by only 15 votes) the believers in Eren as the winner (49.4%). Whether you attribute the neck-and-neck result to the unpredictability of the setup, or simply too many clearly incorrect people from the opposing side to yours, is up to you.

The alliance will win GG WP

The alliance have 1 skilled warrior , 2 skilled former SC soldiers , 5 Titan shifters and 2 Ackermans but I still thinking that they can't defeat Eren or Ymir .

th Eldian empire will win in the end and the outside world will get what it deserves...I hope

Eren naturally shouldn’t be able to be stopped. He’s way too powerful.

I appreciate the fact that Commander Armin definitely has no tangible plan and it was the SC part manifesting their death throes for a peaceful end. Still I can't help but cringe and not feel anything at their attempt.

don’t think it’s a win/lose situation between eren and alliance, both with win and lose in some way and there will be some 3rd option

I can't wait to see the alliance-Eren fight. I just can't wait

Isayama's writing with his asshole. Whoever side gets to win, we lose.

LEVI RETURNED FROM PATHS WITH MORE FINGERS THAN HE STARTED WITH. IS THIS A MISTAKE? 1,342 responses

We’ve seen Isayama make mistakes that the fandom took too far before, is this the case again? In an incredibly close vote, 51.5% think it is just a mistake, while the other half at 48.5% are convinced Isayama slipped in this plot development.

I've been saying this for years but Levi getting his fingers back from the Paths was definitely intentional and I'm sure the relationship between Ackermans and the Paths are going to be a major plot point. And after 132 I'm wondering if the 'afterlife' aspect will prove important too.

Is it just me or has Annie been going through a growth spurt lately? Either that or Isayama's artwork is getting sloppy. Not to even mention Levi's fingers…

This was quite a chapter. So many things that could happen especially with the flying titan. And then levi possibly having his fingers back. Then learning annie’s titan power. I heard aot will have a bad ending but i hope the the alliance will win.

Levi is being healed by the coordenate. Ackerman's blood is "half titan" so he must have recovered because of that just like titans do.

WHICH COMMANDER HAD A BETTER TITAN DRAWING? 1,352 responses

Can Armin live up to Erwin? While he’s asking himself that, the fandom has decided that in the drawing department he has not. Erwin’s (in?)famous turkey titan drawing ate up 61.2% of the votes compared to Armin’s drawing from this chapter at 38.8%.

none of this would have happened if my goat erwin was still alive

IF EREN IS INDEED STOPPED BY SOMEONE, WHETHER IT BE KILLING HIM OR INHERITING HIS TITANS, WHO MAKES THE MOST SENSE FOR THIS ROLE? 1,349 responses

The bets are on Mikasa being the one to stop Eren and/or inherit his burdens at 30.2%. Her words to Eren this chapter could definitely be foreboding in hindsight. Armin, leader of the uphill battle against Eren, is the runner-up at 26.5%. 18.6% think the answer is no one – presumably because Eren will either wipe ‘em all out, or be the one to decide his own fate. 13.5% think Reiner will be the one, he is the same as Eren after all. But everyone is the same nowadays, so who knows?

We then have Gabi (4.3%), Falco (2%), and Zeke, Jean, and Levi tied (1.5%). Annie follows with a tiny fraction (0.4%), and Pieck, the ultimate underdog, has the fewest votes at 2, or 0.1%.

...Hang on, aren’t we missing someone? Yes – even below Pieck, there is the underdog of underdogs: literally nobody thinks Connie will be the one to end it all. Will he ever be considered a real main character? :’(

I'm leaning towards Mikasa.

It feels like there was a lot of foreshadowing for Reiner to go head-to-head with Eren one final time.

Can't wait for Gabi to eat Eren.

WILL LEVI KILL ZEKE? 1,322 responses

It’s been over 4 years both in and out of world since Levi vowed to kill Zeke. Will he end up doing it after all this time? The majority of fans think he will, at 54.8%. 18.5% think he’ll die before completing his goal, and 14.2% think he’ll reassess the situation and his goal of killing Zeke.

Both will die fighting each other

He may kill him and realise it was pointless, both as revenge and to stop the rumbling. Or possibly he'll be prevented from using violence as a solution this time. No forgiveness though.

He will defeat him but die just after killing him

He will fulfill his promise to Erwin but he'll die soon after

I do think he will but I don't think it's about Erwin's promise anymore

He will prioritize stopping Eren over killing Zeke

Please don't kill monke. Let him redeem himself first. Monke to save the world!

He won't necessarily forgive Zeke, but he will take pity on his sad state of affairs, but more importantly realise stopping the rumbling is more important than his petty revenge.

I predict Levi will kill Zeke, but it will be some kind of suicidal attack that will get him killed in the process.

Zeke will die but not by Levi's hand

He'll be forced to team up with him to save the world. But won't forgive him.

Nah, characters never get what they want, plus I don't see a real fight between them, that would be repetitive and too predictable and Zeke is probably too distressed/depressed over what happened in paths. And that would be really boring if Levi killed him tbh.

No, Because Zeke is already dead

I can’t believe the Beast Titan could be any animal they wanted, including a T-Rex, and that boring jackass picked a monkey. As if he wasn’t enough of a loser.

HOW CORRECT ARE ARMIN AND LEVI IN THINKING THE RUMBLING CAN BE STOPPED BY KILLING ZEKE? 1,343 responses

Levi suggests to the alliance that instead of ending Eren’s life to stop the rumbling, they could opt to kill the man previously called the key to the Founder, Zeke. Only 4.2% of people agree that this would help in stopping the rumbling, with the most popular response at 41.8% being it would fail due to Eren having full control of the Founder. The belief that Zeke’s death would have alternatively disastrous consequences is also popular, with 27.8% thinking Ymir’s presence would allow the titans’ advancement to continue, and 26.2% expecting the lack of command over the titans would render them mindless, but still functioning.

killing zeke probably won’t solve anything since the rumbling has already started, it might make a difference since eren isn’t royal but i think it’s just too late, and I really don’t want zeke to get killed

They'll find either that Zeke is already dead and was only needed alive for a moment to begin the rumbling, or that his continued existence is still necessary for defeating Eren somehow.

Everyone's talking about "stop Eren using Zeke," and here I am remembering "Zeke, stop Eren."

How is killing Zeke going to solve what Eren is doing? The poor guy just wanted to achieve his dream of eliminating all pp’s and instead he has to bear the burden of the destruction of the whole world.

Killing Zeke instead of Eren would be an emotional cop out for the Alliance. I hope that won't become the case, because that would make the ending of this manga super dissatisfying.

WHICH WHOLESOME MOMENT BETWEEN COMRADES DID YOU LIKE THE MOST? 1,334 responses

In such dire times, wholesome moments really are appreciated. 43.5% loves seeing Annie recall her 104th days the most, while 28.3% appreciated Connie accepting comfort from Reiner. The rest of you were split pretty closely between Gabi and Falco being adorbs together and Armin emulating Hange in his interactions with Onyankopon.

Annie's flashbacks of the Warriors I rly liked, Reiner smugly looking at Bertholdt was rly heartwarming...

It is very heart-warming how close the surviving members of the 104th still feel to each other after all said and done, including Eren.

the 104 got some understanding /closure for previous actions, so that's nice

Gabi and falco should have listened to Annie when she told them to take care of the charcoal, instead of ruining the chapter, and spewing some nonsense

WHICH OVERUSED PHRASE FROM THIS CHAPTER ARE YOU MOST TIRED OF? 1,315 responses

Isayama sure is hammering home certain themes and character motivations; is it too much? 29.1% are tired of hearing everyone scream EREH, which is most often attributed to Mikasa, but it branched out this chapter to all his friends. 22.3% got bored of everyone being the same as each other; because when everyone’s the same, no one is. 19.5% are tired of every other word out of Eren’s mouth being freedom, 16.4% want Levi to get an original thought, and 12.7% want Eren to shut up about his other catchphrase and just stay put for one second.

Muh ereh

I LOVE YOU EREN KEEP MOVING FORWARD 4EVER

"The dialogue between Jean, Reiner, and Connie couldn’t have been worse. It felt like a bunch of stock phrases, “we’re the same”, “traitor”, etc.

Can't remember who said this and where but Eren does love his friends, it's just that he only cares about their physical well-being. ""You are free to do as I see fit.""

Ereh: Reiner, I am the same as you. I know that my enemies are the same but I have no choice because Society™

Rainah: No, you are wrong. I had a choice, but I attacked the walls because I was selfish and because I wanted to.

Ereh: Damn bro, same. Time to commit war crimes!

Man, each time I feel like the 104 can't be more annoying... I can't stand their whining about ereh, how they don't wan't to kill him and that ereh is just misguided, let's talk, please come back uwu.

The forced ""We're the same"" bullshit is really getting on my nerves. Reiner broke a wall with the goal of committing a genocide against innocent civilians. Jean and Connie killed a few soldiers with the goal of STOPPING a genocide against innocent civilians. No, these actions are not the same, and I'm sick of Isayama trying to make us think that they are. Now, I can forgive it because it seems like he's just going for a "Jean, Connie and Reiner all murdered former comrades and are racked with guilt because of it" comparison, which I'm fine with, but we're on thin ice here with the moral reductionism.

"We're the same". I'm sorry, are they suggesting the 104th and Warriors are ANYTHING alike? the 104th are victims of circumstance who were forced to make terrible choices. The Warriors willingly slaughtered hundreds of thousands. The Warriors are horrendous monsters beyond redemption, and it's insulting of Connie to say they're the same as those inhuman creatures.

even tho I liked that Connie and Jean acknowledge their similarities with the Warriors, they are still not the same, the Warriors were brainwashed coerced children when they started their crimes, the 104th were adults in high positions when they killed innocents and they enabled Eren to do the Rumbling by ignoring the signs, while RBA almost from the start fought to prevent the Rumbling.

The chapter's named Sinners, Isayama called feeding a person to a titan a sin right as chapter 84 came out, and EAMJC killing Bert still hasn't been addressed under these circumstances? They're saying they are the same as the warriors which isn't true in any capacity and I hope they fall on their ass soon to realise they are not at all the same.

Eren saying freedom all the time has been cringe since the EMA table confrontation.

WHAT WILL FALCO’S FLYING TITAN BE USED FOR? 1,335 responses

The most popular two options, at roughly a third each, are that Falco will come in clutch at the final battle, and that he’ll save them when the plane starts to falter.

Carrying the Eldian evacuees to safety but remember there are also Marleyans there. A titan saving Marleyans, by its own will, will all help for the final peace treaties

Either taking Annie, Gabi, Yelena, and Kiyomi off the boat and picking up the Alliance in case the Flying Boat runs out of fuel at any point, or carrying the Eldians from Liberio to safety in case there are no airships left at Fort Salta to escort them.

What's the point of Annie going off if she's just going to join back a chapter later after more aruani flashbacks?

I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE IN THAT

Eren is baiting him with that "scenery" because he needs to have the 9 titans to end the Ymir's curse

Fly gabi to the founding Titan to snipe eren

I get a feeling that he is the one who may inherit Eren's titans. What would be the point of giving him the titan powers, if he doesn't have any bigger role to play? Falco is somehow opposite to Eren, so if the power of the FT and AT are given to such pure boy like him, the future of the world might become brighter.

I thought the dialogue hinted more at Annie eating Falco's spinal fluid and gaining wings. Also I think it will be funny if Falco's memories are not from the previous Beast Titan but is actually the "Scenery" (it looks suspiciously similar)

Transporting Annie, Gabi and Falco where needed for the plot.

I wonder if Annie mentioning eating birds meant anything, or if it was just another poor attempt at humour by Isayama?

He'll transform thinking he can fly, find out he can't, the ship will sink and that's how Isayama will kill the characters on the ship

He'll fly far away on a different planet and start a new colony. Oh wait there is atmosphere. Whatever paths will lend him some cheat codes :P

THE PLOT POINTS HINTED AT IN THIS CHAPTER HAVE SPARKED SOME BACKLASH. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT EACH ONE?

So many revelations! The most controversial ones are Falco potentially becoming a flying titan, him getting Zeke’s memories, and the Female Titan powers; though more people are ok with each of these than not. Eren letting his friends continue to use titan powers, and the Beast Titan being multiple animals are the most accepted developments.

The idea of a flying titan is forceful and too convenient. I wonder how Isayama will draw it and not make it look like something odd.

The flying titan thing is the dumbest and most forced thing in snk I've seen. It feels like something from a fanfic and just seems so out of place. It's so sudden and forced. There are other things that seem really rushed in this chapter too. Like the bits about Annie's titan etc.

Lol at people calling anything about this “forced”. AoT fans pretend they’re a lot smarter than they actually are.

The stuff about Female titan and flying titans and memories being distributed was maybe a bit too conveniently delivered in the very end of the whole series, but tbh it's still plausible in-universe. I take it as a sign that Isayama knows what he wants and he wants to do the ending justice, not just get it out there as soon as possible with as little work as possible."

I'm glad the Falco can fly because it means the rest of the alliance can join the final battle and him flying was well built up. What I think should have been set up better is this power coming specifically from the Beast Titan. All past users we have seen of it was a monkey and we're just being told it could be other animals now?

some things (like zeke's beast memories, female titan abilities, flying titan, warrior families being alive) were so convenient, but I'm not too mad about it

Someone had thought about the beast titan animal theory before, since there was a giant horse at those old "paintings" that tell the story about eldia in marley's perspective, it is in chapter 87 i think, when grisha's parents are lecturing him.

The falco thing is too forced. The beast titan being any animal isn’t that forced but it should’ve been revealed waaay before, not in the same chapter as this whole falco flying thing.

I fully expected the Liberio Eldians to be alive, but was not expecting them to be en route to Fort Salta.

I don't like how plot convenient it is that the Eldian evacuees from Liberio are heading for Fort Salta just like Eren with his rumbling titans, the Alliance fighters on the flying boat, and now apparently the boat crew as well.

I always thought that suggested all the forms that titan could take. In retrospect it feels obvious -- Yams, you practically telegraphed that by naming the kid Falco in the first place.

What do you mean it's stupid that Galliard cured world hunger by creating bacon with his Titan form? His name is PORCO

since when could the Female Titan copy other powers? Did I just miss that? Because it just comes across as a convenient way to get Falco, Gabi, and Annie to the final battle.

annie will eat a boat and tranform into a boat titan AND KILL EREN WITH HER BOATNESS.

WHICH TRAIN MOMENT DID YOU ENJOY THE MOST? 1,332 responses

After being implied in 125, we get to see the Liberio evacuees on the run. As set up in that chapter, 44.8% were most happy to see Mr. Leonhart continuing to be a boss, while 33.6% were most hyped for another great double spread of the rumbling, as we’ve gotten for the last 4 chapters. Mr. Finger and the Brauns' concern for the children came in after that, followed by Karina and the Grices.

Papa Leonhart is a true badass. It wasn’t said if Bertolt’s mother was still alive, and the lack of Galliard parents/zeke’s grandparents was interesting- how the only warrior/cadet families shown were ones with a child that the readers know is still living.

Go Mr Leonhart we stan

I can’t believe karina is still alive

While having all the warriors' family (expect for the Yeagers) be there is forced and not natural, I'm really hoping that Falco gets to reunite with his parents. He's so precious that he deserves that. If the other parents die then so be it as long as I can have a Grice family reunion.

The approaching rumbling has pretty much lost its impact as a visual image because Isayama has overused it to death.

I liked the new character in the train

This chapter was a beautiful demonstration that ANNIE GOT ALL HER GUTS FROM MR. LEONHART THAT BADASS JUST REFUSED TO DIE AND FORCED THE MARLEYAN SOLDIERS TO GET TO THAT TRAIN WHAT A LEGEND

WILL THE BLIMP BOMBERS BE EFFECTIVE AT ALL? 1,348 responses

The chapter ended on the cliffhanger of the blimp bombers approaching Eren, but will it be worth the wait? The Majority, at about 75% think they will take out a few colossals but nothing to write home about, 19.7% think Eren will wipe them out without a second thought, and 5.6% think they will help deal a decisive blow.

I think The bombs on the plane , The colossal Titan nuke ability and the blimps won't do any kind of damage to Eren .

the blimps Will be destroyed by founding titan eren using his thorn on his spine

I'm itching to see eren finally take some sort of action against marley's bombers :D

I’m wondering if Isayama is going to flip the script a bit and showcase how the advancing technology is gaining the upper hand over titans, and cut Eren off in his tracks abruptly/make him change his tactic. Or, if it’ll just be the catalyst for the alliance to stop him after they witness it has no major affect on the titans.

I'm not sure about the direction of the final battle but everything's colliding at Fort Salta one way or another. I'm curious about this volume's cliffhanger."

DESCRIBE THE CHAPTER IN ONE WORD 855 responses

Continuing with the theme of underwhelming reception, the responses to this were, at least compared to others months’, very low in quantity and disparity between the top words. The 5 most chosen words for this chapter, quantity and average rating included, are:

Setup/Set-up [32 ; 3.91] Amazing [28 ; 4.79] Freedom [25 ; 4.20] Awesome [19 ; 4.84] Paths [19 ; 4.16]

Honorable mentions (because they all had the same or only one less amount of picks) include Ereh, Interesting, Great and Pain.

WHAT CHAPTER DO YOU THINK THE MANGA WILL END AT? 1,337 responses

Since Isayama’s self-appointed deadline of 2020 likely failed to stick, we’ve decided to revive this monthly question. The last time we asked, the majority of respondents chose 138 as the final chapter, which remains the most popular option now, though now losing a majority (39.5%), with 140+ (20.9%) and 139 (21.3%) hot on its tail. Perhaps it has something to do with the shared opinion that this chapter is one of setup, but it’s safe to say most of us are unconvinced this is ending anytime soon.

I think that the manga will end at chapter 138 or 139, and so 133 has to be the last "transition" chapter before the climax (end of volume 33/beginning of the last volume)

I think the story is going to end either at 138 or 139.

it will be over in a few months and both like Eren and Yams, we will finally be free.

I just hope Iseyama doesn’t rush to end this before the end of the year. 138 is the minimum

Idc at this point i just want it to end now it feels like it's stalling

I CANT WAIT FOR CHAPTERS 134+ TO COME OUT

im sad its ending :(

WHAT ARE YOU MOST HOPING TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER? 1,366 responses

Wow this was close!! We have a lot of hopes for next month’s volume closer. Of the options we presented, “The alliance finally taking action against Eren” (23.1%), “ZOOK WHERE ARE YOU” (22.1%) and “I’m always down for more Eren Jaeger” (20.9%) created a tight three way race. Historia’s return to the story was a distant fourth (12%).

I'm really curious about Zeke's whereabouts, I'm sure he will play another big role from now on

I’m just confused about Eren’s motivations and desires at this point.

Love the thought of a flying titan

levi better kill zeke next chapter!!!

Pls bring back historia

I just want to see Historia. Please I miss her lesbian greatness. Please I'm tired.

Next chapter is gonna be crazy

where is monke??

Isayama has something up his sleeves and I’m scared for the next chapter lol

Just let Levi kill Zeke already

Kiyomi backstory when?

One thought, the same as after every chapter, who's gonna bite the dust next ?

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING PLATFORMS DO YOU USE TO DISCUSS THE SERIES? 1,274 responses

Reddit (41.3%) and Twitter (40.7%) remain the two most active platforms for fandom discussion, with Twitter stealthily creeping up on Reddit ever since we allowed multiple selections. Discord follows at (21.6%), with those lucky enough to talk about SnK in real life close behind (20.4%). Wherever you discuss the series we appreciate your support of the chapter poll! Even the Snapchatters.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER? 365 responses

WOW, something something the japanese fans are not happy copypasta

The rumbing started some time ago and our heroes should get hungry in a little bit, will they be able to call pizza? Or something? Because it'd be very sad if they had to die without dinner :(

If Falco's cloud memories end up being child-Eren's view from last chapter, that would be incredible. So many characters will seemingly play an important role now that I have no idea what will happen next.

Reiner keeps thinking that the dialogue is about their guilt and since they are the same, then Eren wants to kill himself. But one of Eren's main statements is that he keeps moving forward despite everything (and he thinks Reiner is the same). I think Reiner's ""Eren wants us to fight him because he wants to die"" will be proven wrong, and he'll come to the correct conclusion in the end.

it's frustrating seeing eren continue the rumbling for the sake of his friends when it's not what his friends want

It's good but it could freak me out

it's honestly making me feel more hopeless...

Connie Reiner conversation was perfect to bring up his late best friend Bertholdt, but I guess they forget again and pretend they never killed him brutally, and he just got thanosed one day lmao

i'm really enjoying annie's development. she's went from one of my least cared about characters to one of my favourites just from her development with armin and reiner alone. really looking forward to how isayama will finish her arc.

Eren is gonna be defeated by the power of friendship and the power of the scarf he gave to boring Mikasa and also by two kids who should honestly be dead by now but somehow are still alive in this mess anyways boring chapter i don’t care what happen anymore I just want to this to end

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a Falco should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The Falco, of course, flies anyway because Yams don't care what nerds think is impossible.

I don't mind the "inconsistencies", because most of what people are complaining about is just nitpicking that doesn't have much of anything to do with the story being told. I just hope that we're done with setup and can finally get to the final battle next chapter.

Everybody in this chapter was admitting their sins, but Bert still wasn't mentioned when so far he's the biggest elephant in the room when it comes to Reiner / AMJC. They watched Armin devour Bert and felt nothing about it, they participated in a terrorist attack against Liberio and threw a party instead/didn't protest against it, but the moment they betrayed their countries and slaughtered their comrades, suddenly they're evil sinners. It really feels iffy as shit.

Eren should finish what he started, I actually support him, I do understand his anger, his past anger, and everything that has been done to the Paradis Island. The only way to stop the exterior world’s way they think about them, is killing them all (or nearly), otherwise it’s never going to stop. It would be too much of a childish way of actually allowing the alliance to stop him knowing that he’s really REALLY powerful.

I don't get why people are having so much backlash about Eren allowing the Alliance to kill him, it's not a goad of "come get me", it would be hypocritical of him to take away their powers to stop him when he preaches about freedom, because then he'd just want PERSONAL freedom when want he truly wants it freedom for everybody especially Eldians.

@ isayama as a yumihisu shipper stop the Ymir smelling Historia's hair gag it isn't funny :/

I just think Eren doesn't detour from his character cause he's persistent on continuing the rumbling, having his own definition of freedom while he also doesn't take away his friends' power to fight him. It's just kinda frustrating that Eren is so blinded by his concept of freedom and chose this path.

People who think Eren will complete the rumbling are in heavy denial.

I kinda hope that we get to see Hizuru at least once. I also believe that Mikasa deserves to know the truth about her Ackerman blood and that it does not make her a slave in any way. More than anything though I just wanna see her character done justice in this final arc so that people will finally quit complaining about her always being "Eren-obsessed." She is without a doubt one of the most misunderstood characters in the entire series.

I liked the Paths stuff. But I'm bored of the cringe 104th, Isayama please give back Bertholdt I wanna see him, Paths is the perfect opportunity T-T

I maintain that Eren allowing his friends to fight him and potentially die because FREEDOM is fucking weird and OOC because he had no problem taking their freedom away in 112. He lied to their faces (same chapter he stated that ignorance=slavery) and locked them in prison. He also couldn't stand losing anyone close to him for most of the manga (serumbowl, hiding info about Historia, etc.), even if it went against Paradis, and so far nothing states that he suddenly and consciously changed his mind on that. If there is no explanation for his sudden change in behavior then parts of his character just went down the drain for the sake of covering up a plothole (that could easily be resolved by just saying that the founder can't control the shifters......)

I read some theories of Hange come back as a Titan Shifter. The parallel of both Ackermans put their fist on Eren and Hange before they died. Eren came back to life again as Attack Titan after that. There are also similarities between Hange and Xavier, both do research on titans, wearing glasses and I wonder if we would find out who is this person that Zeke could trust, as Xavier mentioned. We've seen Hange almost died 3 times, during the battle with Bertholdt and Reiner revelation, the crystal underground with Kenny's team and Bertbomb. Hange managed to come back again and again. Maybe I'm just being hopeful here (crying again) but I respect if Isayama sensei really killed Hange for good. But but but.. T^T

I'm beyond sick of the alliance. If they win at this point Isayama has officially destroyed his own manga.

No Hanji = nothing to smile neither to hope for in this chapter. I hate Eren for not even reacting to her death.

Isayama's doing a terrible job with the Alliance. I have many reasons to want the rumbling to be stopped, but if I forget for one second that Armin's my fave charac., I need to ask WTH?? Characters say one thing while the narrative says another. Yo, every damn chapter they've been feeling guilty and shitty, yet their constant regretting says they're good people. The heroic sacrifices say they're good people. The refusing to bring the kid although the kid can fckin fly says they're good people. This is more complex than calling an oldman with a career built in genocide HERO then calling these lost as fuck teens SINNERS. Repetition won't make me buy it. Btw, I'm not taking proJeCtiNg five chapters from the end. I refuse to believe these characters are at the same. damn. mindspace as 10 chapters ago. Nah. Losing or winning, this finale should feel dignifying, not pathetic. I'm desperate here. :(

I'm tired of Eren and the alliance. My feelings are with Levi's promise, nothing else. What comes after that (if Levi is able to kill Zeke) it would be interesting (and amazing, I'm sure) conceptually, I will love to read it, but my heart is with our midget. He deserves to rest.

Also Levi...I get why he's still ""muh kill monke"", it makes sense with his character... But that doesn't mean it's not annoying.

I REALLY enjoyed this one

Can't believe that flying titan was a sort of joke since the Marley arc, but now it's a thing uh.

More evidence that freckled Ymir may be alive.

where bert

where IS ZEKE

Where Monke?

Ymir distorting the space and keeping Mikasa, Armin, Connie and Jean away from Eren makes me think she's controlling him.

YOU ARE FREE

There was so much information given to us this chapter. The reveal of the possibility of Falco flying and the possible death of Zeke.

There were some alright points to this chapter but for the most point, it seemed like so many things were forced, the most ridiculous points of this chapter for me were the warrior families living, and Falco deciding he can fly simply because he had a dream

This chapter (like all the others and the others to come) made me cry. 😔

This chapter made sense. Too much sense. All the plot points we’d been expecting like Falco being able to fly, Eren bringing the alliance into Paths to tell them they have to kill him if they want to stop the rumbling, and the folks from Liberio surviving, were all present. I think Isayama is about to throw some wild curveballs and ruin our whole careers

Something's wrong with Eren

Thanks Isym for ruining Armin and make him Annie's waifu

Nice, a little boring but also not disappointed

The alliance was so annoying this chapter. Reiner projecting his pathetic suicidal thoughts into Eren was just absolute cringe. Then Jean and Connie actually saying they’re the same as the guys who killed their friends and families just made me damn near bust a vein. Then Pieck was just being a passive aggressive bitch. I was hoping that at least the 104th would make it out alive but now I straight up want Eren to kill them all. They’re just flat out insufferable, incompetent traitors at this point.

Pieck passive aggressively roasting Armin felt good

Levi is sexy take the bandages off his face and let me see the scar

Levi's really fed up. he doesn't care anymore about eren he just wanted to kill zeke. But I do agree that by killing Zeke, maybe the rumbling will end.

People thinking that Eren became a slave are speedreaders

For me, the Rumbling represents Eren’s own death drive. He’s killing others and wants do die in the process or afterwards. And his talk to the alliance is what his "if you don't fight you don't win" ideology boils down to. Blind, narrow-minded kid!Eren doesn't really see any other outcome other than him completing the Rumbling (aka "winning") or getting killed by his friends before he can complete it. I (heavily) suspect Isayama is going for a third option though.

This arc has highlighted Eren's internal contradictions regarding freedom. We have him forcing his friends to fight, imprisoning them, beating them, gaslighting them about their own free will, but most of all forcing the rumbling onto them, which completely takes away their agency to choose their own fate. I would be disappointed if Isayama has dropped this consistent pattern of Eren contradicting his own ideals of freedom, just to rectify his mistake of making Eren too overpowered due to rule of cool (something I initially feared), so I'm hoping the true reason has to do with Ymir taking the reins and speaking for Eren.

Eren can't help what he wants and believes in and he can't stop his convictions to move foreword, but at the same time he recognises his friends own free will and different convictions and has decided that both sides will never be able to give up their own convinces or meet at a middle ground and has decided to just let things play out.

Eren is resigned to his fate to rumble the world, but he will not command his friends to do anything. He is willing to die by their hands.

Eren prizes freedom above all else. If someone uses their freedom to try to kill him, he wouldn't mind

Eren isn't sure if he's right so he wants them to have the chance to stop him if they feel so strongly

Sooo due to the Warhammer nutcracker incident, does that mean Falco has a portion of the Warhammer, or something?

Spectacular chapter completely closing the possibility of dialogue between Eren and Aliance. It's good to see that Eren remains firm with his actions and hasn't changed his psychology of freedom out of the blue. Although many people think that Eren wants to die, I'm sure that he will fight against the Alliance to survive and carry out his plan to destroy humanity.

Still a Beruani shipper...and...OMF ANNIE IS THE 2ND SASHA SHE WANTS TO EAT GIVE MY BABY FOOD

Still feels like buildup ready for the final showdown already

Telling the story as if the alliance stands a chance, or has anything close to a complete picture of Eren, is still dumb

historia pov when

Honestly I think everything about Annie is forced and she never should have come back.

Hope Jean survives 💯

Hope will reveal historia's baby connection to the series

I believe in Isayama

I believe that Annie got the ability to harden by eating part of Reiner, I think by revealing her ability yams intends to lay foundation for Annie getting wings as well and joining falco in the sky fuck ya

I hope Annie's father dies in front of her

I hope any inconsistencies in Eren's character get clarified later.

I hope more is discussed about Historias child

I hope My beloved Eren kills levi and armin

I just can’t wait a pray that MAPPA don’t fail us💀

I don't know man why the fuck does a flying titan exist

AC130 INBOUND, wait, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BIRD THING AND WHY DOES IT HAVE BOMBS IN ITS HANDS

Isayama is a hack

isayama never misses

isayama the goat, incredible as usual

#snk poll #snk polls #snk poll results #snk 133 #snk chapter 133

23 notes · View notes

simpingforthisonedeer · 4 years ago

Link

Chapter 7: Silver

Summary: tw: non-graphic suicide attempt but other than that, the chapter is completely sfw. The final battle with the diamond kingdom.

Notes:

- Today's chapter is shorter than usual bc im working on making the other chapters sfw so rewriting scenes, deleting them, making some stuff into innuendo etc so more people could read.

- I like to write bit more for the side characters because everyone's the main character of their story but they are relevant to the plot trust me ;)

- Be sure to check the notes at the end <3

Aika danced between spells aimed at visible enemies as she strolled towards Julius’ general direction. She took mental notes of his general attitude on the battlefield as she fiddled with her amulet, the same one she used in the Headquarters to move around unnoticed. The Amulet of Ignorance, the single most expensive magic relic Aika possessed, didn’t make her invisible, but it rather made everyone ignore her presence. If anyone were to look in her general direction, their eyes would glaze over and their gaze would move elsewhere.

Her own gaze landed on Julius’ figure, whipping around too quickly for ordinary eyes to track, but her eyes and brain processed images faster than any other man, except perhaps the only other Time Mage. She focused on observing his technique as she ignored the pangs in her heart. It’s been a week but he was still fresh on her mind.

Aika wondered if he would end up being one of her regrets.

She sighed heavily and put her feelings aside for the moment.

Julius may seem like all sunshine and smiles, but on the battlefield, he was vicious as he made split-second decisions and cut down enemies with efficiency. Clouds of enemies-turned-dust flew around him like an Augury, warning any and all of their fate if they foolishly chose to fight him. She noticed how he used the Chronostasis over a large area and immobilized enemies, but the spell only expanded so far if it touched someone first.

“He could improve that technique with mana method,” Aika thought as she moved her attention over to Evan and Jayce who insisted on fighting. Evan with his Hellfire Magic was raining literal hellfire on the enemy troops while Jayce with his peculiar Shape Magic deftly changed the terrain to his advantage as he tested out his newfound swordsmanship. Aika’s lips quirked up in pride.

He insisted she teach him herself but she was reluctant at first because as much as he was a genius, he was incredibly lazy. But Aika caved into his puppy-dog eyes and taught him the basics but he quickly developed his own style with the foundational knowledge and wielded his strangely-shaped sword quite well. He was no match for Aika due to her decades of experience but most mages these days don’t know how to counter swords well so he was pretty deadly on the battlefield.

Aika sidestepped a falling body as she winced at the mage in pity. It was an enemy mage, but she muttered a little prayer nonetheless to ensure his soul would rest in peace. Perhaps she should start praying after battle again. She used to sing a hymn in her fighting days to ensure the battlefield wouldn’t be tainted by restless souls and she could deign to do it again.

Right as she came to a decision about which prayer to use, an arrow struck her chest, more specifically her precious amulet. She stared in shock at the archer who had even detected her in the sea of mana. The masked archer lowered their bow and looked at Aika almost tauntingly before disappearing behind a hoard of mages charging at each other.

She wanted to go after them, but her first priority was to dodge the mages who turned on her because a mysterious woman just materialized out of thin air. She didn’t even have any identifiers such as a crest or a uniform, so as far as everyone is concerned, she was their enemy. She was glad that her scarf at least covered the bottom half of her face.

Aika cursed when she noticed from the corner of her eye that Evan had begun his ultimate spell.

Another reason why she was observing today’s battle was to contain the range of Evan’s spell, “Hell on Earth,” but this was not the time. She tucked the broken amulet and arrow into her cloak pocket and shot up into the sky with a sigh. She loved her amulet, but she could afford to mourn later.

Aika threw her hood over her head until it covered her eyes and spread her biggest Mana Zone spell—Queen’s Domain—until it encompassed the whole battlefield. She peeled off her black leather gloves, which suppressed her mana, and unleashed her aura of forbidden magic and smirked at the poor bastard who fell out of the sky when he neared her on his broom. The three horns that sprouted from her forehead lifted the cloak and her vision zoomed in on the growing sphere of blue flames, swelling and stopping at the impossible size of 100 meters wide in the distance.

Everyone on the battlefield froze as they stared in dumbfounded awe at the second Sun in the sky. The silence was deafening, but it only served to make the ringing in Aika’s ears louder as she concentrated on immersing her mana into the sphere and ousting Evan’s out.

Mana existed on a different plane, another realm if you will, but it had the special ability to affect other realms while staying in its own. But the opposite isn’t allowed. Controlling mana that wasn’t your own or in a way that wasn’t permitted by your magic was forbidden by the Gods themselves. In fact, interfering with other realms outside the limitations of your own given magic is forbidden magic.

Aika didn’t believe in limitations. She knew her potential was endless, as characterized by her grimoire. She sacrificed parts of herself to break through the ceiling above her, so Gods be damned. They can’t stop her.

A feral grin spread across her face as the Blue Sun slowly began moving as per her command. She controlled her breathing as she controlled two large spells simultaneously. One spell moved the flames, the other was Queen’s Domain, which combined with a sliver of forbidden magic, froze enemies in place at the sheer amount of fear coursing through their veins. She moved closer to the Diamond troops that were about to be annihilated for better control.

This magic brought out the worst in her, and right now, it relished in the screams that filled the air as the army in front of her lit up in flames. Aika ignored the ugly feeling and concentrated on her breathing again as she prayed. They even sounded like the damned.

Aika thought the battle had ended at the horrific scene she had created, but the Spade Kingdom joined the fray, forcing Master Raymond, the Wizard King himself, to join as well. After she had made sure Evan was safely off the field to recuperate his mana, she stayed high in the sky, away from most of the spells as she continued to observe Julius while keeping an eye out for the assassin who broke her precious amulet. Her heart nearly stopped when giant tree roots whipped around her to strike at the ground. How in the world was she supposed to expect roots to sprout from the sky?

As she maneuvered around them, she watched as the eye-catching hair of the Captain of the Silver Eagles fluttered in the distance. To her absolute shock, the man stayed completely still right before spikes of hard rock impaled him. Aika shot towards him with a bone-rattling bang and caught him right before he collapsed. A young man, that was the mirror image of Captain Silva, raised his spears of fluid metal at her, ready to strike but she froze him where he stood with a stasis spell of hers.

“Miss Tolliver?” Lord Silva breathed as blood dribbled down his chin. Aika’s weg vanished as worry and empathy filled her. She quickly threw up shields around them as she rewound the time until the spikes disappeared back into the ground.

“Yes, It’s me. Everything’s going to be fine. I can heal you—”

“No!” he exclaimed, then let out a violent cough. She stared at him in horror at the implication of his words and actions. “I don’t want to be healed,” he whispered, confirming her suspicions.

Aika began closing his wounds at a slow pace, slow enough so he wouldn’t notice.

“Why?” she asked mutely.

To her absolute shock, his stoic face crumpled as tears streamed like molten silver down his cheeks.

“I just want to see her again,” he choked out. He just wanted to see Acier again.

His tears and the sheer heartbreak in words made her heart clench. Aika steeled her resolve. She wasn’t going to let him do it no matter his reasons.

“No life is worth more than your own,” she spat, caught up in her own emotions. His attempt to take his own life brought back memories she would rather forget.

The Captain slackened in her hold, unable to retort. She instantly healed his wounds and watched as the blood receded. Aika picked him up with a sigh as he quickly lost consciousness at the abrupt changes to his body. Healing fatal wounds in this manner wasn’t recommended but it was necessary during battle.

“Is he alright?” Julius’ voice piped up out of nowhere. Her heart leapt to her throat. She turned around and there he was, a few meters away, brows furrowed, and eyes full of worry before they widened in surprise when he realized who he was talking to.

“Aika…”

The roar of the battle and the clanging in her head deafened as she took in his appearance. Wild hair, stormy eyes, blood-smeared cheeks and singed robes that whipped around in tandem to spells being hurled behind him.

She felt a sort of burning betrayal as she cursed her foolish heart because only one thought echoed in her mind:

He was breathtaking.

“Aika!” He exclaimed in alarm.

Julius was suddenly up in her space, forearm pressed against her collarbone as he pushed her aside. He stopped a flaming spear aimed at her back in its tracks as he barked,

“She’s an ally! Stand down!”

The Crimson Lion magic knight lowered his grimoire and looked helplessly at the frozen man next to him.

“Aika, please undo your spell on Vice Captain Nozel,” he commanded softly as she stared at him, wide-eyed.

Her spell fell as per his request and Nozel stumbled into an upright position, an indignant expression strewn across his face as he turned to Aika.

“Who are you? ” he asked shakely, and cleared his throat with an embarrassed flush.

“She is an ally, ” Julius asserted firmly. “We’ll take the Captain to the medical tent and you continue leading your men, understood?”

“Yes, Sir.” Nozel threw one last look at Aika before he ordered his men to focus on the enemy.

Julius turned to her with a grim face. “I will take us to the tent, if you are ready.” She nodded curtly. He laid an arm on her shoulder and she was whisked away, her vision adjusting to find that she was facing the heavy drapery of the medical tent.

A few healing mages around them jumped in alarm but quickly realized the injured man in Aika’s arms. She was quickly led to an empty bed with privacy curtains and she laid Captain Silva on it carefully as the healers took over and diagnosed him.

She explained his injuries and that she healed him but they wanted to be sure just in case.

Aika stepped back to let them do their thing and looked around to find Julius worryingly examining Silva’s prone form. He looked up and their eyes met.

Strangely enough, there wasn’t a shred of awkwardness in their gaze, but an intimacy of silent understanding, a mutual decision to set their yearning aside in the face of this war.

They both smiled in relief, almost in unison. He cocked his head at her.

“No hard feelings?” He mouthed. Aika nodded back, her heart lighter.

“No hard feelings.”

“I have to go,” he announced quietly as he bowed his head. She nodded again, her mood souring once more as she stared at the unconscious man next to her. She watched his back as he moved to leave the tent from the corner of her eye. She clenched her fist as indecision rocked within her, but she finally gave in to her first instinct.

“Be careful,” Aika called out. Julius whipped around in surprise and a grin lit up his face.

“Of course!” he replied eagerly, happy that she was actually speaking to him. “See you around!” And he vanished.

His enthusiasm brought a smile to her face but her mood was quickly interrupted by the sound of crashing waves as the ground shook. She braced herself against the metal railing of the bed’s headboard as she let out a heavy sigh.

That must be her Uncle Raymond with his grandiose water spells that could wipe out armies. She just hoped he wouldn’t use his mana zone spell that could choke people. That spell horrified even her of all people.

She shrugged off her backpack which stayed secure under her cloak and whipped out a chair. She plopped onto it wearily and glared at the silver-haired man next to her as if he was the reason for all her problems.

Aika slipped her gloves back on and rubbed her face with a groan as memories of friends and fellow comrades who have stood still and let themselves be ripped apart flashed in her mind’s eye.

She knew she shouldn’t care. He was not a friend of hers. In fact, he was quite rude to her, but this needless worry and giving into the empathy reminded that after all these years that she wasn’t corrupted, that she was still alive, that she was still human.

Aika watched with a proud grin as one last final move from Julius concluded the battle. Cheers erupted across the whole field when the Magic Knights realized their victory.

The Captains, with the exception of Silva, and the Wizard King gathered with the Diamond Kingdom’s Shining Generals to negotiate the terms of surrender. She desperately wanted to eavesdrop on their discussion but General Whomalt was still alive by the end of this battle and Aika promised him that the next time she saw him, he would be dead.

She made her way back to the medical tent and Silva was already up and about. He sat up on his bed and stared at his blanket-covered lap as emotions raced across his face. She silently strode over to her chair by his bed and he made no indication that he noticed her but Aika knew he did. He was most likely embarrassed by his moment of vulnerability in front of a near-stranger but she didn’t particularly mind it.

She sat down patiently and waited for him to speak but they just sat in silence.

“We won,” Aika informed in a subdued tone.

He grunted. His response irked her but she held her cool.

“I’m not going to tell anyone,” She assured him kindly.

“See that you don’t,” he snapped at her. She held her tongue but couldn’t help but sneer at his tone. This was exactly why she didn’t work with the Magic Knights as closely. Most of them she had observed were quite rude and had a superiority complex. His attitude was only making her miss her amulet even more.

“Arian!” A familiar voice exclaimed as the tent flaps flew open. It was her Uncle. Mages and injured Magic Knights around her suddenly scrambled to attention as the Wizard King homed in on the silver-haired Captain.

“Sir,” the embarrassed Captain gritted out. He pulled out a folded piece of parchment paper as Aika and Raymond nodded at each other in acknowledgement. She would need to tell her uncle at the very least so she can make sure that he talked to someone.

“Are you alright, Arian?” The Praying Mantis Captain boomed as he walked right in after the Wizard King. He pointedly ignored him and the other Captains as they voiced their concerns as well. He tossed his blanket aside and stood up as he handed the paper to her uncle.

“My resignation, Raymond.”

“What?!” His eyes darted between Silva’s cool face and the crumpled paper. “But the war just ended! You have still got loose ends to tie up before the resignation.”

He adjusted his uniform gruffly as he said, “I’ll let the Vice Captain take care of it.” He pushed past the captains, eager to leave. “He is more than capable.” He turned and looked back one last time. “But now, I must say my goodbyes to the men that served me.”

“What's the hurry, Arian?!”

Raymond’s question was followed by silence as Silva left. Everyone watched tensely at the bizarre exchange that raised more questions than anything.

“Well,” the Blue Rose Captain began as she cleared her throat. “We did say that we were going to resign right after the battle.” Her sharp eyes turned to the Wizard King. “I will hand mine in, tonight.”

All Captains except one echoed her sentiments and Raymond’s shoulders fell as his age seemed to catch up to him.

“And I would be the last to resign,” he sighed. He looked up at Julius and everyone’s attention turned to the Wizard King to-be. “I hope you are ready, Julius.”

The young Captain stood up straighter, his eyes eager and attentive for the responsibility that will soon be thrust upon him.

“Though, I hope you do like paperwork,” Raymond laughed, knowing very well he doesn’t. “Because there’s going to be three times more work.”

All formality melted away as Julius groaned at the thought and the Captains laughed.

Aika released the breath she didn’t she realized she was holding. She just witnessed history firsthand, yet again, but it all felt so new to her. She touched her chest.

Oh.

It wasn’t newness, no. She had witnessed far too much to feel as if anything was new. It was actually the gratitude that set her heart racing.

Notes:

- In the future, Julius will get character development, because as lovely as he is as a person, he can't be a centrist as a leader if he wants to create real change. - In this fic, you'll see him be more proactive with the kingdom's problems and actually use his power outside the Magic Knights. - I'm not only planning development for his character but also his powers. As I have heavily implied throughout my fic, Julius is not human here and we will see that more in the future as the secrets unravel. - I'd personally recommend reading the wiki page on the tree of sephiroth and even better, catch up with the manga. But you don't have to, bc by the time i get to the manga spoilers part of my fic, the anime will prolly be there(fingers crossed).

#julius novachrono #black clover #demons run #black clover fanfiction #julius novachrono x oc #julius novachrono x reader #julius & aika #oc: aika tolliver #diamond kingdom #nozel silva #black clover nozel

14 notes · View notes

hhuta · 4 years ago

Note

(3D lbqfm anon) y'know after reading ur post on it i realized i a) subconsciously noticed the de-gaying and that's probably why i didn't like it and b) somehow didn't notice ANY changes despite the fact that I watched the two versions less than a week apart,,, i thought it was just the new cravat (tho i still don't like it. the old one was better) | also,,,, is it too much trouble to ask why u don't like the 3D assassymphonie? guessing smtg to do w the women | also ur opinion on 3D vaec?

where do i start with miss l'assasymphonie.. btw u can watch the video of the two versions side by side here. and my rant got wayyy too long so ill talk about VAEC in another post ldkjasl

tw: self harm/suicide mention just to be safe

im going to start with minor differences that make me prefer the 2010 version but not hate the 2011 one

first of all his dramatic soft gay sappy ass touching his heart when talking about mozarts music i like that a lot :(

then when he sings "killing out of spite everything i create" he metaphorically stabs himself in 2010 but not in 2011

and i love the first version because its a nice and subtle parallel between how mozarts music makes him feel like (lbqfm) vs how his own music affects him (l'assasymphonie) as i pointed out here before. this is on different levels !! the fact that in lbqfm its his inner gay demon stabbing him, representing mozart(s music) and in l'assasymphonie he stabs himself..... bc he is killing what he creates and what he creates is part of himself... so this isnt about him wanting to kill mozart its about him being self destructive... this is crazy this is just one gesture and i can go on and on about it and honestly my rant will only get more insane.

later he grabs the knife at different moments and in different ways and i think the 2010 version is more dramatic and impactful. the editing helps too, it really made me jump, its all done at the right time. but honestly both are valid to me; i feel like in 2010 hes more angry and impulsive, like its the very first time he thinks about doing something like this, whereas in 2011 he feels sad and defeated, like hes going back to a place he fought very hard to get out of and because of this one guy hes back there, but in the end he recognises its his own fault

another minor difference that i think is worth mentioning, and honestly i like both versions, is what he does at the "senseless (or crazy) symphony" part. in 2010 he almost covers his ears cuz obviously it goes along with the lyrics in a literal sense. meanwhile in 2011 its more of a symbolic interpretation? idk how to word it but 2010 feels like hes just talking about his music and the thoughts inside his head making no sense, but in 2011 when he looks at his writs, his veins, its like he is talking about himself as a whole; a being without any meaning, who is losing his mind, and i like that too

and this difference goes on when he talks about the "disconcerting concert"; 2010 feels like hes literally listening to it around him, his performance in 2010 is overall more dramatic lkjslkd, meanwhile theres none of that in 2011, hes too melancholic to be jumping around

here when hes talking about his talent (or rather lack of) u can see how hes more angry in 2010 and sad in 2011 (honestly this corroborates my theory that at the beginning florent played salieri as a legit evil villain but as it went on he added more depth)

anyways so far both versions are good to me now........ the fucking dancers............... i move away from the mic to breathe in.jpg

theres just. so fucking much going on in 2011. there are a shit ton of people moving around, the flashing lights, the constant zoom in and out, the curtains moving the background, im gonna have a stroke????? l'assasymphonie is such a heavy song, emotionally, and florents performance is amazing on its on theres no fucking need to add 100 more elements!??!? it totally takes away ur focus from salieri ....

my biggest problem is with the dancers as u guessed it cuz honestly idk why they are there, i dont understand the need. i get that they are his inner demons, but not the sexy ones, so they are there to represent his inner turmoil and add a chaos element to the performance and a parallel to lbqfm with the whole hands on salieri part, but its way to obvious that it becomes repetitive! inner demons dancing around a character happens way too much on mor; bim bam boum in a way, j'accuse mon pere, la mascarade, comedie-tragedie, si je defaille, lbqfm and now again?!!?!?!?! bitihc dlajsdlkas

and the worst fucking part to me is when salieri goes to kill the female dancer

.....why whY... WHY.. why make the song literal like this!!! this is not what its about??!?! i know she isnt supposed to be A Person, this isnt him being A Murderer, she is him in a way but ?? we already saw him almost killing himself??!!? why repeat that, this is just so unnecessary and it doesnt sit right with me why make him stab a woman!! it makes my blood boil. it takes away all the drama from the other scene, of him with the knife on his wrist, because it is essentially the same!

now lets discuss why i prefer the lost half naked blindfolded men. is it because its gay? yes. is it because of the kinky element? yes. u see how that creates a parallel to lbqfm but in a subtle way? yes thank you.

to elaborate i feel like the 2010 dancers represent his psyche at the moment soooo much better. its not just simply his inner demons haunting him again, making it repetitive.

his is how i interpret it and how it relates to salieri:

the blindfold: god it can mean so much... above all i think its his envy and anger blinding him, making him feel lost and afraid. but it can also represent how salieri is a stern man, he only sees things one way and is blinded to other possibilities, other ways of living. because he is so narrow minded, so used to just following the status quo, he doesnt understand mozart and how his carefree way of life is working for him. he doesnt understand his conflicted feelings towards mozart. he doesnt understand how mozarts music can be so unconventional and yet beautiful, etc etc. his world was shattered and he feels lost because of this one little guy

but honestly i think the intention was to give a shoutout to amadeus lmao which is still cool. they do mention in MOR that mozart can play blindfolded so u can view as a parallel to that too

the lack of clothes: around mozart salieri feels naked but not in a sexy and fun way, in vulnerable and seen for the first time way. imagine how strongly he considered changing his name and moving countries after the whole eh bien, maestro? trop de notes? ordeal..... he was caught off guard in that situation so he let the truth out way too much, but he knows he cant fake it around mozart any other time either

their behaviour: they look afraid, lost, in pain and are constantly falling, getting up, then falling again and being pushed up against the wall by something invisible (to me its mozarts music/influence) and honestly i dont have to say anything else ! its all there !!! it represents salieris emotions perfectly !!!!!

in summary, to me the 2010 dancers dont have a lot to do with the lyrics of the song and i think thats good. they are there to add a new element to it, to let us see inside salieris head, while salieri himself is performing what the lyrics are about. so on the other hand i think the 2011 dancers are repetitive and unnecessary, not adding anything new to the performance

#final thoughts: maybe the 2010 choreo was too ahead of its time for certain people so they changed it.....#anyways that was so fucking long i hope at least half of it makes sense #l'assasymphonie #asks #mor thoughts #3d anon

12 notes · View notes

bringbackwendellvaughn · 4 years ago

Note

hi hello, i realize im like 2 years late so if your hype has already died out feel free to ignore this ask BUT if not, i really loved your Tbolts character analysis and justifications for a new team and I'd love to hear more about your fanon run? Please and thank you!

Oh thanks :D

I’ve been super-busy with my job as a teacher and it’s been a nightmare this year and I’ve not been able to afford to commission any covers for a long while. And its a shame because I have loads of Thunderbolts stuff, they were the first one I ever started thinking of fanon for.

I don’t have my file with me right now but I can remember some stuff...

I know one of my main directions for the team as a whole was to try and get them out of the more Suicide Squad-y set-ups they had been receiving since Nicieza left. I love Jeff Parker and his run, but I did want to get back to them being an actual super-hero team - a bunch of people who would show up alongside the Avengers and X-Men and FF and whoever during big Crisis events. I would maintain a link to The Raft prison but I would have them based out of their own headquarters somewhere else. I think back at Thunderbolts Mountain was what I went with. The Raft would still be explored a lot in the series and we’d get a look at a lot of other villains through that. I was always finding excuses to remind people Grizzly was technically once one of the Thunderbolts. In fact, with the Raft, there is a running joke I had thought of where whenever they are at The Raft (handing over a prisoner or whatever), the minor character Skeleton Ki - who featured on the Giant-Size cover - he is meant to be this master escape artist who can open any door so my idea was he would be a prisoner at The Raft and whenever we are there it is always the case he was either constantly escaping from his cell or being escorted back to his cell after failing to get anywhere beyond that.

The first two issues were the team fighting Red Hulk. Red Hulk had invaded a fictional country and was killing dictators so the Thunderbolts go to stop him before he ends up causing any more of a major international incident. This was also a nod-nod-wink-wink to Red Hulk stealing the Thunderbolts book all those years ago. I was likely going to blindly alter Red Hulk so that it wasn’t ever General Ross, over time my rules became looser and looser about what is and isn’t canon so one day I decided “it’s an alternative fanon, Red Hulk can always just have been Ross’ young protege that they later introduced in Parker’s run”.

The second issue cover was a homage (all the second issue covers would have a “homage” cover but usually not of the usual culprits) and it would have been a homage to Thunderbolts Prelude, a one-shot from 1997 reprinting the Hulk issue they debuted in. The new cover would swap Hulk for Red Hulk and Atlas for Man-KillerAmazon.

And she would also vanish after getting her arse kicked by Rulk. She would have gone her usual route of cut and running. She will be back and before she does come back, she would make a very brief appearance on Whirlwind’s Lethal Legion which attack the Pyms on their second honeymoon in my Avengers fanon (a group mostly made up of Pym enemies or Pym particle users). She would again cut and run from that group. Amazon would return issue 6/7. She would show up again at the Thunderbolts headquarters one day and this would be a big character thing for her, it’s hard to explain but it’d be like her returning is her first active step towards something better. Although maybe she only came back out of fear? Maybe because she had nowhere else to go? Amazon was one of the character’s I was most enthusiastic about, I love that there is this super-strong (one-time but now full-time) giantess with this really understated character arc from Nicieza’s run and some history with a lot of the team.

Songbird would be the team leader, I can’t remember how much I posted before, but she would be no area for debate about who is leading the team. It’s Songbird. It’s Songbird’s team. It always should have been Songbird’s team for a while now and other people - Zemo, Osborn, the Avengers - have held it from her. The Avengers would come to better understand and appreciate the Thunderbolts this time around. Cap is pretty okay with Songbird and Abe, he believes in them, but he’d always be less convinced about the rest of the team so that is part of the way Diamondback gets brought onto the team. To forge a bridge between the two teams but it wouldn’t be the case she is acting as a spy or a mole or anything. She’s just there to let Steve and the Avengers know what’s up and help the Thunderbolts get some clearance here and there. And also because Steve wants Rachel there, he knows Rachel being around people like Songbird and Abe will benefit her and the Thunderbolts by showing that yes there is a chance to be accepted as a reformed hero.

Abe... I have him back in his Beetle armor but he’d be still operating as MACH-5. The idea is that he just upgraded his armor and this time was feeling a bit retro so modelled it on his old Beetle armor. This is also explained in story as part of him accepting his past sort of. There’s a story involved to best explain this, it’s in Giant-Size, Diamondback proposes Constrictor as team-mate. Abe tracks him down and Constrictor instead mocks him for making himself over in the image of a hero and burying his history. So, he decides his next armor will embrace/acknowledge his past. The Other Beetle is still out there (and she’s the one calling herself Beetle).

Karla is so fun, she would get back to being a bit less selfish and accepting that these people are actually her friends. She’d still screw them over and manipulate them to hell, but she’s definitely not going to kill any of them. One thing would be exploring her past history with Blackout and how Blackout remains a bit fixated on her but he doesn’t have the best mental capacity for her to manipulate.

Blackout is a hard one to really wrap my head around. He’s back from the dead but he’s not all there (like he was in Thunderbolts #100). I like the idea of exploring the nature of his existence post-death, and kinda getting a bit freaky with how anorexic his body would be (I remember sending reference points that were all Deadman pieces by Kelley Jones). It’s hard to really justify any of these characters, besides Moonstone, abusing this seemingly barely functioning person who doesn’t have the mental ability for doing much besides following orders and being a bit creepy with Karla. I can see him getting benched a lot but I’m pretty sure - no matter how long I ran with it - i wouldn’t ever want to have him say a full sentence. He’s not a dumb zombie, he’s just a bit out of it and it is more like a character trait that he isn’t very communicative. The idea is that custody of Blackout fell to the Thunderbolts because the Commission don’t want him, prison or Ravencroft can’t hold him and Songbird agrees to take him off their hands to basically stop him from being used by a bad guy or falling into Zemo’s hands again or whatever.

Ghost... I can’t remember anything I do with Ghost. Sorry!! I mainly remember him and Karla being something of a double-act. He’s too clever/paranoid to be manipulated by her and she doesn’t even bother. I remember the first issue (which I wrote a whole script for!) had a scene with them just sat on the side offering commentary on Amazon on Blackout becoming part of the team.

Juggernaut. He would be back. I want him on the team, I always planned with him on the team, but I’m holding him back initially to allow the other characters a chance to exert their powers (especially, I don’t want him there to dominate the Rulk fight). He’d be back after the Zemo/Osborn story I think. I think the story thing was that Juggernaut was being held pending a trial for his actions committed while possessed in Fear Itself and so he was off-limits for the team. He’s eventually found innocent of those crimes and re-joins the team.

Sandman, I really want Sandman on the team but I’m also very adverse to just putting him on the team because I want him on the team. I never really had much to say with Sandman other than cementing or re-establishing the heroic side of the character from the 90s. I’m sure I had ideas for him but I can’t remember any of them without my files.

I’m sure the third issue was all about Zemo and Fixer (my 3rd issues were all a gimmick too, they would focus/feature a villain). Zemo has a lot of stuff going on, he is a complex character and so much more than just a villain or pretending/trying to be a hero. I am dumping so hard on Fixer, I am absolutely destroying the character but my take is “when I came up with these ideas, Fixer was dead and if I’m bringing him back I need to do something more substancial than just have him be back from the dead”. Personally, I think my idea for Fixer is not at odds and, while it is maybe exaggerating a few moments from old stories, but I basically see him as completely worn out by his hero days and his failed attempts to be accepted like Mel and Abe are. He’s wound up just turning back to Zemo, Zemo always accepted him, he is valuable and treat like he is important by Zemo. Zemo would have a huge plot at the end of the first year. He would go up against Norman Osborn, angered by Osborn usurping his Thunderbolts and believing his Dark Avengers scheme was copying his original Thunderbolts plan. It would end with Songbird and the others interjecting, especially highlighting Moonstone’s history with Dark Avengers, and the end-point would be Zemo denouncing Osborn and effectively not-so-subtly, writing Osborn out from a continued presence in Thunderbolts books. Oh, and Osborn skewering Andreas would indeed be brought up.

Speaking of, he would be back. In the first annual, we would learn that Andreas’ corpse was found by that sect of The Hand from Enemy of the State and since he was a Strucker, he was resurrected to lead them. It would be implied Zemo tipped them off to the whereabouts of Strucker’s body. Andreas would lead the Hand in an assault on The Raft under the pretense they are recruiting new soldiers but in truth Strucker is using them to get to Osborn and Bullseye (it happens before the above Zemo story and neither of them would actually appear). He would eventually stand down after encountering Songbird again and being reminded by her of his original mission of not being like his father. This would set him up as leading this sect of The Hand to do good ala Daredevil in Shadowland but obviously if Daredevil couldn’t do it, snotty Strucker brat isn’t going to succeed but for the time being he is out there doing stuff.

The second annual is a fun one-off story where Radioactive Man comes to Quicksilver (this is all hinging on one quick scene in Mighty Avengers where they pointed out how they were both heroes now). Chen wants Pietro to put together a Thunderbolts squad to break Collective Man out of a Russian gulag. Part of this is borne from one of my original ideas which was having Quicksilver take on Hawkeye’s leader role. I can’t remember the exact team but I know Finesse was on there, Man-Ape was too and he deserts them immediately. The big one was Crossfire because there was an awesome Quicksilver moment at the end where after they have completed the mission, Pietro beats the shit out of him - breaks his arms and legs - and leaves him behind to presumably be thrown in the same gulag Collective Man was. I remember he’s like “I don’t have many friends but Clint Barton is one of the few I truly do consider more than an acquaintance. You killing Mockingbird’s mother and her desire to eventually exact revenge on you will likely drive another wedge in their attempts to repair their relationship... so I picked you for this team, Crossfire, to stop you from causing any more harm to their lives.” (or something like that)

Eventually there was going to be a “Thunderbolts International” (a riff on Justice League International) which would be a one-off rival team led by Dallas Riordan comprised of Atlas, Jolt, Radioactive Man, Blizzard, Speed Demon, Boomerang, Skein and Cyclone. I think that would be the ... 25th issue? issue 200. It would be a chance to include some of those guys I love but can’t fit on the team. (edit: just remembered this leads into a cool story where a combination of some of both teams end up transported into Kree space). Atlas wouldn’t rejoin the team but the very very final story in my run is an Atlas story. Something of a tragedy where Atlas steps up and is a great hero and nobody will ever know. This would be a big Atlas vs. Fixer epic which i just realised also has a nice undertone of highlighting that they were the two who sided with Zemo back in Thunderbolts #12.

(edit: there was also another team they’d go up against called the Renegades - a team comprised of American Eagle, Sepulchre, Steel Spider and Jack Flag - who recall the Osborn Thunderbolts and as such are very anti-Thunderbolt)

I think there’d be another ad-hoc team at some point, that last story might see Atlas step up and lead one, of which Mentallo would be a member. Mentallo probably should factor into my character assassination of Fixer. I’m so sorry to Fixer fans, he’s going so unhinged. Batroc is another guy I want to throw in somewhere. Most the guys on that cover to Giant-Size Thunderbolts 1 either feature explicitly in that story (with the idea of them being Thunderbolts directly referenced) or will be prominently in another part of the run.

2 notes · View notes

andonutty · 4 years ago

Text

a fool’s guide to coping w bpd

ok so for the record im NOT a mental health professional, im just... someone with bpd who’s coping and thought i’d share my tips. i think making a post like this will a) reach more people, and b) help my friends more than me just offering advice when they come to me for help. bpd affects everyone differently, and i can’t claim to totally understand the struggles of everyone who has it, but if you’re struggling right now and you just don’t know what to do or where to go, i gotchu fam. so without further ado... a step-by-step guide for coping with bpd

tw for mentions of emotional manipulation, self-harm, and suicide. none of it is in-depth, but i figured i’d warn anyway.

1) decide that you want to cope in a healthier way.

this seems kinda strange as a first step, but to me it really is the most important step. living with bpd all my life and being in therapy since i was 10 taught me a lot about willingness. saying “i want to be healthier” sounds like a no-brainer, but it’s actually really difficult. you have to sit yourself down and ask yourself: do i really want to fundamentally change the way i think about situations, about myself, and about other people? am i willing to work on this, even though it’s hard? and am i willing to give up on the unhealthy coping mechanisms i’ve been clinging onto?

i’m being totally genuine here: it took me years to get to the point where i could say: yeah, i really, really want to stop emotionally manipulating people to get what i want. i’m so sick of basing my self-worth on what other people say and do. i’m so scared that i am my bpd, and that there’s nothing else inside me; i don’t want it to be that way anymore. i want to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with other people. i want people to stop being afraid of me. i want to love myself. i really and truly do. and only when you come to that (awful, gut-wrenching) revelation can you actually start helping yourself. if you’re not at that point, that’s totally fine. i had to go through a hell of a lot to get there, and i understand not everyone is there. i wish everyone who can’t make this decision yet the best, but i really don’t think this post will be the miracle cure you’re hoping for. you can still read it for sure! i’m just saying that this first step was an extremely necessary one for me, and the next steps get a lot easier once you make this decision.

okay, so you’ve come to the realization that you really, really want to learn some new coping mechanisms. where do you start?

2) look into dbt (dialectical behaviour therapy).

ok. i’ve been going through dbt for a while, and i swear to god, it’s good. dbt was made for people with bpd, and it’s different from cbt in that the skills aren’t just cognitive. there are four sections of dbt skills: mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. it may seem overwhelming, but all these skills are very practical and don’t just focus on “hey you’re thinking this? stop it.“ if you have access to a counsellor or therapist, ask them about dbt. if you don’t have access, try to find some stuff you can work on online. i did a quick search and found three sites (one, two, three).

if you have a therapist or counsellor that you can talk to about this, feel free to skip the rest of this section (or read it so you can surprise your therapist with your knowledge). for those of you who don’t have someone to guide you through this, i’m aware all these skills seem incredibly daunting. my recommendations for beginner skills are the following:

PLEASE skill, or reducing vulnerability to emotions (under emotion regulation)

nonjudgmental stance (under mindfulness)

stop, tip, distraction, or improve skills (under distress tolerance)

dear man or myths about interpersonal effectiveness (under interpersonal effectiveness)

reducing emotion vulnerability was the first skill i started working on. when i was first diagnosed with bpd, i was working at a restaurant without any meal breaks. i’d have meltdowns at work and after work, and it took this skill for me to realize that i needed to pack a snack or eat right after getting off my shift, because i was most vulnerable to my emotions when i was hungry or tired. when you understand how food, sleep, exercise, mood-altering substances, etc. all play into how vulnerable you are to your emotions, you can start thinking more clearly about situations and you can start coping ahead to reduce that vulnerability ahead of time. you’d be surprised how much this one helps.

nonjudgmental stance is probably one of the most helpful skills i learned. one of my therapists put it this way: if bpd is an allergy, then invalidation is the allergen. meaning: the thing that’s going to irritate your bpd and trigger problem behaviours is invalidation of emotions. it’s shame, and judgment. everyone judges themselves (which isn’t really healthy, but it is a part of our societal structure), but for us? that shit hurted. i can’t count the amount of times that i’ve been crying and then thought something like “god, you’re just so pathetic“ and started crying even harder. our impulsive behaviour and the decisions we regret almost always stem from a core feeling of being invalidated. remember that time that you were talking about your feelings to someone and they seemed dismissive, so you decided you hated them with every fiber of your being? yep, me too. that’s us reacting to invalidation. in general, we don’t really validate ourselves. quite the opposite! most of the time, we tear ourselves down and expect others to fill that void for us. (a lot of people do this, but it’s really problematic for us in particular because of our generally self-destructive behaviour.) so learning to be compassionate with ourselves is a really important step to take. if you like meditations, look up loving kindness and self-compassion meditations. rain is also a really good meditation to do, but i think it can be really painful to do when you’re just starting out. i’ve linked it at the bottom if you want to check them out, but try not to overload yourself! just stick to one you really like.

stop, tip, distract, and improve are all really good skills to start out with because they’re skills you use for when your skills run out. if you find yourself really struggling with crisis situations a lot, these are good to start out with. they’re specifically meant to calm you down, to get your emotions and adrenaline to a manageable level. if you struggle a lot with engaging in problem behaviour under stress, this one is golden. i used to struggle a lot with substance abuse, and these skills were lifesavers. instead of going right for the substance, i’d use stop. i’d distract myself for a while, surf the urge until the wave of emotion passes. then i could use skills like please by getting something to eat, or dear man by addressing the interpersonal problem with a level head. and on that note...

dear man / myths about interpersonal effectiveness, which is a great skill if your main problem is about asking for help or establishing boundaries. i used to have a lot of problems about asking for things properly (hence my habit of emotionally manipulating others to get what i wanted or needed), because i felt that if someone said no to me, i wouldn’t be able to handle it. or that people would hate me if i asked for things, or that i should be able to handle things on my own. in a way, it felt easier to rely on making others feel bad for not doing more for me rather than to ask outright. these myths are hard to unlearn, but it’s a good place to start if your main trigger is about boundaries or asking for help.

ok, so you’ve started working on a skill. a skill. don’t burn yourself out here, it’s okay (and more productive) to just focus on one instead of trying to change yourself overnight. and on that note...

3) be kind. remember change won’t happen overnight, and keep going.

this one is difficult, because... like, it’s not gonna be easy. i remember i used to have meltdowns and think, “no. i’m tired of being skillful. i’m tired of being the bigger person. i’m sick of this.” and that’s why the first step is so important, because you’re going to need that resolve to say, “hey, i haven’t engaged in my problem behaviour for so long. let’s not start now. i know it’s frustrating, i know it’s so easy to go back to what we know, and at the same time, i want to be better. i know i can be better.”

and even if you do engage in that problematic behaviour again (which, let’s face it, you probably will, because no one is perfect and everyone messes up, and that’s 100% okay), you need to remember this and be compassionate with yourself. everyone messes up. everyone says things they don’t mean to. everyone does things that they regret. everyone falls into old patterns from time to time. what’s important here is to stop beating yourself up over it and start doing something different. if you went back to self-harm, if you started calling up everyone you know and threatening to kill yourself, whatever it is — don’t conflate yourself with the behaviour. instead, take ownership of it. make amends with those you hurt instead of running away or self-sabotaging, think about what happened and try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. slip-ups happen to everyone. literally everyone. so please try not to be hard on yourself if it happens. be disciplined, but not harsh. i promise, beating yourself up over mistakes is only going to hurt you and everyone around you.

conclusion

if you’ve read this far, thank you so much for doing so. i know that when you’re in the thick of it, it’s so hard to imagine yourself having a future, to imagine that you can make friends, keep people around, be anything but the sum total of your perceived failures. but you can. it’s difficult, believe me, it’s difficult, but it’s possible. and i believe you can do it. and trust me, there’s no way you’re going to disappoint me, no matter how much you feel like you’ve fucked up. if you can, just try it out, and i’ll be cheering you along every step of the way.

more resources, if you’d like them:

in general, this site is pretty good for handouts. and again, here are the three sites i linked above (one, two, three) that i found through a cursory search.

also, look into unhelpful thinking styles if you want. this is the worksheet i have, and it’s genuinely really useful. i keep it in my workbook and look at it to remind myself of when i’m unintentionally using them.

russ harris, who talks a lot about living a fulfilling life. here are some videos of his that i really like (internal struggles, the choice point, the struggle switch).

jon kabat-zinn and mbsr (mindfulness-based stress reduction). seriously if you’re into mindfulness this guy is so good. 9 attitudes in particular is a video i personally really like.

the aforementioned rain meditation, by tara brach. this one is all about learning what you need and providing it for yourself. it’s part of the larger loving kindness and self-compassion umbrella.

kristen neff has a website with self-compassion exercises, as well as books and such that she’s published. if she’s not your style, search up loving kindness or self-compassion meditations and i’m sure you’ll find other people that you might vibe with more.

i know brené brown deadass exploded in popularity a while back, but there’s a reason she did. all of her stuff about shame is incredible. here are two of her ted talks that hit different for me personally (listening to shame, the power of vulnerability)

also, if you can... maybe invest in a dbt skills workbook. i use the actual marsha linehan dbt skills training book, which can be a little complicated, but it works for me because my therapist is there to explain it. i’ve heard good things about the dbt skills workbook by matthew mckay, but i’ve never used it personally so i can’t attest to how comprehensive it is. if you can go to like, an actual bookstore and flip through the pages, that’d be ideal. but since we’re in a pandemic, idk how feasible that is. i’m not really a self-help book kind of person, but i’d recommend authors like pema chödrön, brené brown, kristen neff, and russ harris (and jon kabat-zinn? does he publish books? if he does then i rec them). if you’re in a post-secondary institution, try checking your school’s library! i’ve found a few books there. also, public libraries tend to have some of these books too. so if you don’t have the money to actually go out and buy these books, i’d suggest borrowing books from libraries and photocopying the pages.

#bpd #borderline personality disorder #bpd help #bpd advice #bpd skills #ok to reblog #idk i wont tag this anymore #i just.... so many friends of mine are going through it and i just want to offer a comprehensive starting point #i remember how lost i felt once i started wanting to cope in healthier ways #so im just out here. im out here #anyway i rly hope this helps! i might make more posts in the future bc. talking abt skills helps me practice them too #plus i just like to Help. im full of information and love

1 note · View note

whimsically-ominously-auspice · 5 years ago

Text

This is the last human mimic alien we have to fight.

He's realized he's lost because you people aren't running wild having orgies and you're listening to the DNA4U

And further more You all don't want to share.

When i posted the video of Miss Shawntae telling snoop it was time to snoop her body up... And then Snoop went all seductive to the camera...

122895x1000= men that said "Nigga ima beat your ass you know my wo/man gonna see that. You ain't need to be showing yourself!".

76584284×1000= said "ew i hope i don't have my any asking me to do anything tonight after what i just seen. My imagination gonna kill myself! And i know that's just wrong wrong wrong!"

Now multiply the digits together before the multiplication sign and that is approximately minus 1000 That supported Snoops message.

I did all 3. I had to advert my eyes even. Although he couldn't even see me.

Now Snoop and i know each other over 8000zillion years. So i can easily put myself in his shoes.

So he would walk in and I be having sex and he just sit down and start having a conversation. Like we having BBQ ribs and not sexual intercourse.

His wife tho .... He would make sure "the white boy was covered" and tease her don't look. She look at the carpet... Eventually it kept going on so i took a picture off the wall and put it on the floor where she always sat.

She said "why you do that?"

"I realize the kids keep jumping on the bed and knock it off. Snoop stare at you If you move your face. And unless you're on LSD it's no fun staring at the carpet. So i gave it to you where it seems you always be looking although i had to take a pretty healthy guess. I just felt you was having the most miserable time of all and as my friend it was my honor to trip out and give you a gift"

She used the reflection to put on her makeup and slept in bed later.,Snoop quit being so paranoid. Cause she would face the wall and lean against him.

Point is... Snoop be all like he was watching sports to make sure we got the score.

I mean. Man. Earth. We tried everything we could to stop these aliens from wanting to habe orgies. Even,took,away,their dicks!!!

We did everything. Planet.

Y'all locked up with your soulmates made little difference on this kick of his.

I been doing it. I been riding like I been going around the world 500 times. I love sex.

82% of y'all all around the Earth been having sex.

4% have watched porno

18% have had 1 wild orgies of those 18% -- 32% had s second one. Of those 0.00004981% have gone onto a third.

Of those having 2 or more orgies 92% were aliens

Leaving 8% Of 18% of the entire world interested enough in watching or having sex with other people than their soulmate.

Who saved the world?

100% of humans.

You all get $5 and that includes children.

He's done all he could and he's failed. 100%

I think Edgar might be human... Looking at his alien structure in the film.

But he treated me like an alien. Im still a POW.

Alex had to sell a bed because he acted non human. And Alex worked hard on it to make it perfect for me.

I would been fine gloating from it. Fighting and being sassy to aliens.

But then someone claiming to care about me,most of all abandoned his son and law and daughter. And i hear stories of him being evil.

Some time ago they asked me "do you want a dad or mom?"

"No"

"We need to know because the future of the,Earth,depends on it. And the future of you. Now do you want a dad or,not?!"

"The question is will i remain needing a dad or father figure in the future. No i am fine. I have male role models to keep the species alive. Males. (Species not gender) I also have my mom in Mrs Harriet Tubmam. And if that fails then at that time i should be able to get the rest of me. But she's fine. I'm fine. I just got to remain stable. But adding a father or another mother i don't know just yet can remain disasterous."

Luckily Alex didn't burn the bed down. But it was,bugged and bombed by "Edgar", to me 'its just another one of those things we have to clean"

Do i care? Nothing. He doesn't affect me. I worry about Alex having to,deal with it. But,hes being,and,staying clean,and,then when he's,scared he stays by other cold turkey or non users. He was,around Crystal meth yesterday and he tasted 1/4 of a gram. Like when you would put your finger in the sugar jar. Then lick it. The other guy smoked 4.9876 ounces and blew it all in their faces including the babies. Thus Alex got 7.698 grams ingested via second hand smoke.

I didn't notice but we got in a fight with each other. Just like we always do.

Alex and i power punched him and his eye socket -- ocular bone -- was crushed like glass in 17 cracks.

His jaw I punched more alone but with Alex and total both sides he lost 9 teeth. And had to be wired shut after 72 stiches because i split his upper palate in two. I cracked his lower palate in 8072 places. So if you found a skull it would rest on powder of his lower jaw and then you'll find the upper. After decaying..

Then Alex on the top of his head had 49 stitches to repair his soft tissue from his frontal lobe when he crashed to the floor after the super punch to eye hit the coffee table.

He did get one "good" punch in -- his skull hit Alex right in the right eye.

It fucking hurt but it hurts in a good way. Its weird it's like "reward!" Pain. No suffering. Fucking got him good tho. We feel it every now and again. May be it is when he realises we will kill him for good. He keeps remembering that sudden silence of death.

He's currently on life support. "Medically induced coma" is our non panic code words. But it's basically life support but usually not full life support. It isn't 100% life support medical machines. Its 75% or less.

So technically it's life support and coma mixed. So we csll it medically induced coma. This way you understand if your family is the one on the machines -- it's only 25% body life.... However there's a 75% of recovery via healing machines.

The CIA. Willl decide when to pull the plug. Usually medically induced coma is someone evil or someone bad with the ability to be good. Usually aliens go straight to coma status.

If an alien will die it's 1st life support then coma. Your friend or family will die.

They said medically induced coma. But at this time. His brain is incapable of human thought so I am putting him on life support.

This makes it the family's wishes.

Most of the time "next of kin" is spouse then parents/siblings. Then children last.

Which is wrong. It should be the future. Thus Erica and Steven will ask the babies. And together they will decide.

Last night as a CIA operative while he was in a medically induced coma i was told by at least 1 child and 2 adults to pull. I reviewed. While they spoke from shock and relief their true feelings.

Knowing that the children escaped life with Eric once. I don't feel the right to allow Eric to live. I know the consequences of his actions caused two children to leave my planet in fear and terror and disgust because of Eric.

Erica was my 3rd pregnancy to abort and hold souls.

I hate Eric. That's why i punched him in the fucking face. I was happily surprised that Alex did it. Too in person.

Since the infants are involved and already resurrected. And had a nightmare of a time in less than 36 hours on Eaerth.

I allow them to be there to pull the plug, they can actually yank and pull the plug themselves.

So that is what i want and what the children need.

It will show Eric he doesn't belong here and has no,reason to,be at 25%

It makes life easier for all of us.

Eric was an outdoor kid. Like John and Jason and Greg. Etc. He never went into my school.

They didn't have to. And actually weren't ever enrolled. They liked the man work to learn to survive on their own.

While i taught the children the indoor stuff. The expansion of the mind.

I taught them the economy so the men working to increase their own economical structure could be helped to be taken in under their wings.

I left no one behind.

But he refused confirming.

1. Alcoholic system to drop other drugs. -- he uses crystal meth. Without cut backs. Without moderation

$5 if yoh remember and realized i said make smoothies without alcohol to share with your kids.

2. He blew it in their faces on purpose them injesting over 2.4 grams each.

Erica and Alex would cover their faces with thick blankets when the smoke came towards them.

It was quite a hostage situation. Knowing he could take the newborns and kill them in front of them.

Its happened to me 985 Point 2 times. I'm 35 years old.

875.8 times it's been with a knife.

Take the numbers and multiply by 10 million. For the last some kinda lots of 8 thousand zillion years.

It even happened to Alex. He he has the scars. From,this and last life., it,has happened.

So for me they're terrifying. Unless I'm there... I have saved 900 billion times 30 thousand. I those situations.

But i always remember the ones i lost.

So don't worry when I'm suicidal. Just leave me alone. Don't talk to me. I need silence.

So dead babies y'all.

Dead aliens.

It will be done

I seen that actually quite beautiful meme of April 2020 the clouds and UFO.

I don't get mad or violent because I'm stepped back to watch y'all cope.

But I say to y'all "fuck no that's not happening" I say to that UFO "Fucking try it you will all die" i just scroll on because I get so angry. I get so mad. Its a beautiful photo but i refused to repost it because it isn't something i support.

Most reposts of memes are supported unless i type something on the bottom. Saying it's not.

So my dad. I didn't care until i saw The Rock, "her dad is alive" all happy and in support.

Then i was bothered. Then I cared. Then i felt something about it. But until then i felt nothing.

I didn't feel shame..i felt that were all made of glass.

Because I was happy to have a dad.. One that seemed good. I was actually happy.

And it was kept personal to me... But then I saw the Rock felt it. Then I began to feel..

Broken. But Alex kept it together and started getting rid of the bed. Taking it down. Removing bombs. And fixing all that ass hole did "my dad"

I know the Rock.. He can handle. His dad just died. And we did a lot for him.

So for him to be elated. I get through the day thinking no one really cares what i feel and they don't pay kuch attention..but the Rock in that moment in time.

He was happy. And i knew then i had to Destroy a light of happiness inside him and he looked away from the camera to say "we are all happy. The while world"

DNA4U list one person as my father. He's my uncle..

Edgar claimed it was his 18th cousin.

You know, it doesn't matter.

Donate. Mr Lee Tubman. And more. They're my dads. They kept me safe. Taught me to be wiser and more caring about myself. Donte was 2 years younger than me. But he was a father figure. Guy was the fun dad. Fred Flintstone i called one friend's dad was the fishing buddy. We were not close but he was a silent father figure.

I stole all my friends dads. Borrowed them. Their moms, too.

I have 1800 moms that I call mom.

I know who my moms and dads are.

Just like Erica called me mom the other day and Brittany will too. And Alex my cousin's son. Candy. Brandy. Declan.

So i know i have a family that understands it doesn't matter how I got here. It matters who treated me well. Matthew McCognohey. Kid rocks. They're like my dad's and my kids. Uncles and Cousins.

Blood doesn't matter. Shit half the time Snoop is my God or dad or bother or husband or little kid i have to save. He's my friend.

Snoop is too much of everything. He is my co-nigger. My partner in many crimes against humanity (practical jokes)

I call him my Friend. But my family wouldn't be complete without him and Shawntae.

Harriet. I call her momma all the time. It feels natural. Sometimes i call her old lady.

So while i was joyful for a moment thinking I found someone that actually cared to find out he didn't.

I myself wasn't affected until i knew others would be

Its just a lesson in life. Don't trust people.

I told Alex abandon ship, fuck that place. Ain't no one can go in there!!

He understood and agreed then took the role "no,one is driving me and her from our home." He decided to defend the homestead. That is the role a man takes

Im all you gotta sweep the whole place,then,rest and do,it again,2 more times at least.,Then,again when,I,get there. If i get there.

But i feel good to know my lover isn't gonna let anyone drive him down. Just turn around. Learn a lesson. Clean the mess.

Why do i need a father when i have a man?

Clearly i am an independent woman and always have been.

But i need a family. Otherwise I have no point to live.

And that is why i am suicidal.

I don't see s point to live. Not when Alex and i fight and i don't want him to talk to me cause some alien got in our way once again.

He was double attacked by aliens.

So if their desire is for me to die... Then they should keep,doing it.

If,not they need to stay out of my way so i can,get my family,together again.,in,real life.

My family that I know is my family. Not aliens. Not fans. Not someone that needs to apologize to me or needs an explanation.

People that can think on their own and not be reminded they need to have love in their spirit.

Now Snoop sometimes plays the role of my brother. And we are competitive. It just makes us proud of each other and ourselves for surviving a challenge. I do it to him too but I play old hard skill. He plays old new remember when. I do ancient V-Ball and he does pop and country experience.

So his spirit is of an ego -- which salutes the fact we will grow.

Often we do the spirit of mischievous. To remind danger still exists but we will have fun and love in the end.

Friend. Someone that is gonna fry you but the end od what matters.

Sometimes we relax and chill. But them old cogwheels of the mind never quit rolling. Advance. Advance. Lets keep it going don't stop.

He's like me. Suicidal.

But he used to release his inner poison. Now he makes it not exist by doing something else ....

But me? Nothing helps but the mimic of death itself. Silence.

People are what causes it. Alien people.

So you humans. Keep on being you.

Its you that is gonna save the world

I gave you guidelines to help us out this mess.

Because I can't even see y'all because the aliens surrounding me trying to get my last breath.

Show me you. Save us. You're doing good

I got $5 on y'all that we make it.

3 notes · View notes

aurora-daily · 5 years ago

Text

AURORA’s Q&A during Spotify Listening Party

Q: Hello Aurora. Is „In Bottles“ related to „In Boxes“ because in „In Bottles“ you are singing underneath her bed and when she is lying in bed maybe she is laying on her spine. Is that the story behind that phrase ? ❤ You are the Best and i Love you ❤

A: they are both about the same lady... that is really well spotted. It has a really strange meaning to it. she wants to be close to people in a very strange way... !

Q: Aurora what is your favourite song on the album?

A: it changes from day to day.. right now its Soulless Creatures. because of its meaning.

Q: Where do you record the álbum?

A: i did it in bergen last november with Magnus <3

Q: Can we expect Step 3, or it's the end of "A Different Kind" era?

A: this is definitely not the last step... but i cannot tell you yet when it will be released.. !

Q: when is the time of day/night you write music the most?

A: i definitely have the most ideas at night, or when im about to fall asleep, sometimes it can keep me awake for hours later than i should stay awake.. but its worth it.

Q: Will you travel to Vietnam???

A: YES

Q: Are you singing in Frozen 2?

A: i might be heard in the wind…

Q: your birth name represents just your music, the universe, peace ... have you thought how would you call yourself artistically if you had another birth name? Which one identifies you?

A: ive always felt that my name fits me so well, and i remember when i learnt what it meant when i was young that i took it like a little mission in life. to create a little light in the world, in one way we all should

Q: Aurora, I meet you the last month and I gave you a skirt, I just wanna say sorry cause it was too big, And I send you a message in your private (sorry)Facebook horse account, I need and advice

A: i love it!! im going to make it a bit smaller, haha !thank you so much!

Q: Do you make your own clothes?

A: yes i make them with my sister Viktoria who knows how to sew!!! i like to know where the clothes comes from, and with her i know the source of the clothes, which feels very good! i like to wear whatever feels good, so its good to have someone who can turn my dreams into real clothes!

Q: Tell us about your language in ADKOH single... what does it mean?

A: its my own language, and one day i will tell you. its based around its core which is human emotions. i want to make it easier for us to discuss our emotions with the world!

Q: Thank you for supporting us - LGBT. I must admit that it is very useful in Poland. We fight a homophobic government and you give us power

A: that moves my heart so much to hear. im sending you so much love. and that is just the beauty of love - it is so much bigger than us. anyone who dares raise a fist against it will always loose the fight. love will win <3 always.

Q: I have found that this album is best fully realized while being outside. I've been running and interpreptly dancing around my neighborhood everyday and it's transportive

A: i love this so much `3

Q: What was your favourite song to produce?📝🤔

A: i loved producing Soulless Creatures and Appletree. ADKOH was also a journey of its own kind. very lovey. Ive used samples from my life, and mixed them with the beauty of electronic music. A bit of both worlds, living in harmony.

Q: How long did it take to right this album? Where did you write?

A: ITs taken me two years to work on all the songs from both Step I and II. and producing Step II took a whole month, with no sleep and long days me and Magnus Skylstad made the whole thing with some help from a norwegian artist called Askjell (on Daydreamer and ADKOH) we cried so much. and laughed. so many emotions. very very beautiful.

Q: Why is 8 your favourite number?

A: i cannot really explain it. i just feel its right. i have a very strange relationship with numbers, i need them to be right. and 8 and 11 have always made me feel so good. their both the same when upside down and mirrored which i love. very reliable.

Q: Can we expect some songs in Norwegian?

A: yes...!

Q: We know in AMDGMAAF you had a sample of you hugging a tree, have you sampled anything unusual/interesting and put it in this album?👀

A: ive sampled all kinds of stuff, my breath, rain, steps, books, washing machines, crushing things, animals, chewing... etc. its so fun. i love working that way. On soulless creatures i have the sound of me tapping my own chest to my heart. <3

Q: "fear not, fear not when you go" that part gets me every time (and i have listened to this song like 100 times)

A: <3 <3 <3 !!!

Q: how do you keep up with all the questions? hahah

A: i dont!! hahaha

Q: do you write lyrics for other artists?

A: yes sometimes i do!!

Q: The symbols in adkoh are a new language right? But are they letters, more like a code, or it's literally a new language where symbols can be a entire word?

A: their all a part of my own language, one day i will show you all of it.

Q: I think your albums are literature, it is really interesting how there is a connection between all of them. From awakening to mothership, is there any plans of releasing a book some day?

A: i will x !!

Q: are there any more music videos coming?

A: Y to the E to the S

Q: I know some people in Tromso but theyre a bit strange. Is everyone from Tromso strange?

A: yes.

Q: Everyone is talking so quickly, I guess I'll shout into the void :p If you get a chance to read this Aurora, I know that you know how many lives you've touched so I'm not special for saying that you as a person, as well as your music, have saved my life. You're so good at making us all feel like your best friends, but I know what it's like to not be a very social person and it's scary. You're so brave and wonderfully peculiar in your heart. please stay true to yourself.

A: thank you so so much for these beautiful words x i promise i will. forever and ever.

Q: the choir goes SO GOOD with in bottles YOUR MIND

A: !!!!!!!!!

Q: Your numbers are 8 & 11? Very cute, in spirit these are good numbers, one means positivity and the other is financial abundance

A: i dont believe any human being could know the true spiritual meaning of them, they belong with the gods, or the trees. everything that we dont know x

Q: .I want to know about that percussion sound that's in a different kind of human...it sounds so different but really "authentic", I know that sounds weird

A: i am really into strange percussion. and im a percussionist myself so i tend to focus a lot on the rhythms. i had the beat for this song in my mind days before even writing it. and i wanted it to sound like something that doesnt exist from before. like ship. the mothership.

Q: What's your patronus?

A: a big wolf. <3

Q: I feel like an ant!

A: me too.

Q: Which song are you most excited to play live that you haven’t already?💃🏼🎶

A: appletree and daydreamer. so full of energy.

Q: Hei Aurora ^_^ En hilsen fra *nesten* nabokommunen din, Kvam! Jeg så deg for første gang på Bygdalarm i 2016. Jeg lytter til musikken din hver dag, den åpner dører, gir meg friske pust. Jeg ville egentlig bare si at jeg er så stolt over deg, selv om jeg aldri ordentlig har "møtt" og snakket med deg. Jeg føler du lager sanger som representerer en helt spesiell del av det å være menneske. Å ha et åpent sinn, se ting som andre ikke ser. Vokste selv opp midt i en skog, tekstene går rett til hjertet!

A: tusen tusen takk. dette var helt nydelig.

Q: Where did you get the inspiration to make "Apple Tree", not only the lyrics, but the sound of it since it's different from anything you've ever made.

A: i dont really like to put any walls around myself, so that day i felt like i wanted to do whatever made me feel nice. and i felt very playful! i have always liked to make different kind of music, like The seed and animal, it happened quiet and under the water etc. its nice to try lots of different expressions. thats what its all about.

Q: I just want to thank you. I've recently been diagnosed with ME, also known as chronic fatuige syndrome. Your songs fill me with strength and energy when I listen to them<3

A: that is so good to hear. I am so sorry youve gotten this extra thing to deal with in your life. im sending you lots of strength. and love.

Q: Do you believe in aliens? I do!!

A: of course!!!!

Q: Have you ever listened to a Black Metal band?

A: yes i love it so much. i love Gojira, Mastodon, Tool, System of A down and Perfect circle too. very nice.

Q: what do you think is the most important message behind your album? <3

A: I think all of them are. The fight for love, the fight for nature. the whole thing about our consuming, and the way we dont appreciate what we have. about having respect for eachother and mother earth. its about so many things that i care about. maybe the environmental focus is one of the most important message right now, and that we all can save the world together. In appletree its all about that. We. can. save. the. world.

Q: Is your language an alien language and are you actually an alien?

A: i am an alien yes, but i belong here on earth too. my language is al alien language that i have made x

Q: Just want to let you know that your music is well-loved in Asia even many of us don't speak English,your music is no boundaries,can we except your Asia tour soon ?

A: my dream is to go to asia. so yes. YES

Q: i don’t use spotify and i couldn’t get this stream to work so i deadass created an account and bought premium for this smh i love u aurorie

A: Oh My GOD!! really!_! that is amazing. thank you for doing all that to be here with us !

Q: Mothership is so important and special to me because last year my best friend committed suicide and it makes me feel like she's gone to a safer place ✨🌿💗

A: i am so sorry to hear. The Mothership will take those people, who felt like the world was a too dark place to be. Its a horrible thing when people think that is the only way out. Sending love to you and the family who lost a loved one. She is in a safe place now.

Q: Have you ever attended piano lessons, can you read notes, or rather you are self-taught

A: i dont know anything about music theory, im self taught!

Q: Aurora, I'm a painter. And I can not get my paintbrushes and paint something without listening to their songs. You inspire me a lot. That's the reason I can do everything I do. Thank you for that.

A: aaaaahhhhh. thank you so much for letting me inspire you. thank you. keep painting!

Q: aurora do you sometimes feel like talking to trees and plants? cause i do sometimes and they are beautiful creatures! they have a very caring and loving energy!!

A: i do too!!!

HEllo hELlo you lovely people. I am really trying my best to answer all of you. but its as difficult as building a castle of melted chocolate. Soon the chat will close, but before i go. i want to say thank you to all of you. you are such great people, and i am so happy to share this album with you. thank you for diving into it <3

thank you all for coming!!! will stay for 11 minutes more until the chat closes!!! JUST HAD TO SAY THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU

Q: What is the emotionally hardest song for you to sing from your new album?

A: i think Dance on the moon. x

Q: I seen in a fanwiki page that you like minecraft, DO YOU PLAY MINECRAFT???

A: i love it so much. i always play on creative mode though!!

Q: Do you intend to write a book someday? We would love to read it!🥚

A: i will, and i think its so nice that you are all interested in me doing so!

Q: The beat from apple tree has any inspiration from olodum ? (A Brazilian type of beat )

A: YES! and hip hop too. i felt it deserved a very alive and bad-*** groove.

Q: Have you dealt with anxiety and/or depression?

A: Yes i have. its a long time ago since i was depressed, its so strange how ******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************!!

Q: Are there any songs that almost didn’t make it to the album?👀🎶

A: actually daydreamer and dance on the moon just barely made it!!!

Q: what helped you get through the lows of your life?

A: making music. and giving myself time to heal. ive never felt guilty for being a bit out of ... tune with myself. being an emotional human being is hard, but at least you can always make yourself feel better by finding an outlet. or talking. or crying. just let yourself feel, dont escape from it. then suddently youll feel better one day.

Q: AURORA THE FATE OF THIS WORLD DEPENDS ON YOUR ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION!!!!!!! what is your favourite primate? is it the humble chimpanzee which would align with my favourite? or perhaps the solid orangutang. i am curious to see

A: haha this is so funny. i love the orangutang.

Q: You’ve talked sometimes about there are some things on the industry and big companies that you don’t like. How do you deal with it? How is your relationship with big production companies?

A: just remember to always follow my instinct. <3

and thank you for all the birthday wishes!!!!

Q: AURORA'S FANS ARE THE SWEETEST!! I LOVE YALL AND AURORA SO MUCH!! YOU MAKE THIS PLACE SUCH A SAFE PLACE TO SHARE, AND TO THE FANS TRYING TO PUT DANCE ON MOON ON NASA'S PLAYLIST, YALL ARE THE B ES T!!!!!!

A: I KNOW!!

Q: Aurora, Is Star wars still on you phone ring?

A: hahah yes!!

Q: Do you read the messages we write on instagram

A: yes <3

Q: Aurora your a inspiration and a safe place for a lot of LGBT+ that listen to your song, especially me, thanks for all the love you spread across the world

A: thank you so much! <3 sending you love. love love love love love

[credits for this recap!]

#aurora #aurora aksnes #interviews #spotify #in bottles #in boxes #soulless creatures #apple tree #step 2 #magnus #askjell #daydreamer #adkoh

53 notes · View notes

neuropathicgypsy · 5 years ago

Text

So there's this guy who isn't so great...

So i saw a photo of him and I'd seen it before but this time i was thinking about some dark shit...

And I realized who he is...

It doesn't always happen that way... Actually... Like it was dark but not bad... Then what i remember was bad...

And so may be this girl was lying and it was the way it was initially with the memories about this guy... And maybe she did deserve her ass beat...

But their relationship wasn't as he wanted me to believe... Like it was more like how she said it was...

And may be 100% like she said... Like maybe it really does only take 20 minutes for an abortion. How would i know? I never had one... Or may be her mom was confused... About what time i dropped her off... Idk im trying to remember 10 years later and frankly i don't even care.

I washed my hands of both of them fully in 2008....

So now randomly he's popped back in my life... And completely random...

I didn't have a problem with him until he kept lying to me... Like for real lies like "I'm coming over" and he doesn't. Like that. Not like i think he's lying... Like its really obvious hes lying... Like its a fact.

Then i was all fuck this shit. And Matt happened to be with him and I waited like 8 hours and he did this huge song and dance and so i told Matt, punch him 5 times, at least 2x in the face.

So Matt did... Cause dam dude it was ridiculous. I already seen him and i already identified his alter ego but i was okay to over look it. Like it wasn't my relationship and it wasn't like it been 10 years since she had him arrested for beating her and i went with her to the court...

Yeah he definitely can't handle alcohol...

Like he would be cool at my house at first but as the night wore on... I would be like 2 hours later... Time for bed and make an excuse of life i had the next day instead of drinking and hanging out all night

He would be all "its nine o'clock!!" And i would be all "yeah Tom, sometimes we all have to grow up and admit responsibility"

Yeah sometimes he was a bitch... Like when i said anything with sense he would be all "i need to duct tape her mouth"

Or that one time he wanted to put me in my kitchen trash bin... I told him i didn't give a Fuck so he put it over my head and i told him to pick up the trash off my kitchen floor and he did then swept it and left a big pile in the floor...

But overall he was just his unique self that i kinda got used to...

Because his drama with my friend was between them -- unless my friend bitched about him later, like when we took the kids to the park, and i tried to help her figure him out.

Anyways so now i know my friend wasn't lying about him...

And i know other shit he did... Like to me...

Cause i actually knew him in Alabama, NYC, Texas, Oklahoma and now here... Like a stalker...

And so i am wondering... Should I tell him what i know? What i remember? The bad things?

Or should i just not?

I wonder if it will do any good... Like Why for put myself through his bull shit when i really just want to be left alone?

Do i want to remember?

No... I don't want to feel my ribs feeling like they're about to break or sharp pains on the side of my head -- the side closest to the wall in the bed so he could say i fell instead of it being on the side where he slept...

Like being drugged... So he can lie as to why he and my ex husband thought it was great to spike drinks.... Like ...

I don't care. I really don't.

He knows what he did and I just want him to go away. Obviously he isn't going to stop... Obviously he shouldn't be around the female human...

But what I'm just gonna pull evidence out his ass? My ass? Prove it?

I really don't think i can...

He already was sentenced 9 months for what he did to my friend.

May be he learned... Idk.

Obviously hes not going to come over and despite his recent meddling, people have come to their senses about him... Like he totally doesn't give a shit about me. Or them.

So obviously i left him when i was younger, between his father and mine, i got out of the house with him and he quickly moved on to "someone better" and he brought her over and the next one an the next cause he thought when i told the girls he beat me, i was jealous and trying to break them up...

When i was saying, I am so glad i left and I'm left alone 90% of the time and he isn't all up my ass bugging me and being weird and hitting me cause he had nothing else to do and no brain activity. And that it could happen to them, too. For no fucking reason.

It took a while, too for his dad to help me understand it wasn't me... Like he was just crazy... Stupid. Jealous. And dumb. Not too long but i did have to be taught that there's no difference between an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend or husband and an abusive parent or sibling. I always thought i really did something wrong

Now I know... I let him live and i was afraid of him and to let the "monster inside of me" out. And i was afraid I wouldn't win and i would die at his hands.

Now I'm not. Now I don't even care although I know for a fact he could probably break my neck in less than 10 seconds... Not because I'm suicidal or don't care about myself.

But because I do care about myself and I know that i can kick his ass. I know i don't have to and i know i can kick his ass soft enough that he behaves better and also that i can kick it so he never breathes again.

Because I'm angry. At what he did to me. Im angry that i believe without a doubt he would do it again if i didn't know all HIS male friends that would kick his ass, without a doubt until he quit bleeding.

Because I'm angryi have to feel the physical pain he did to me and i have to remember the bruises and the tears and the frustration and annoyance and knowledge that i wasn't loved.

Because I'm angry my fucking ribs hurt.

Idk that night he put on his act. I wanted him dead. Like i didn't care. I wanted to. I really did. I wanted to care about his life and his safety but I didn't. I hated him. With every cell of my being.

Matt said "i only punched him 2x in the face" i was all go back and hit him 10x in the face!!! Like it wasn't enough and i KNOW Matt did to to what he deserved not tappy tap tap.

I heard that over a week later, on Halloween, his face was still mangled... Like 6 broken noses and 5 black eyes... Like... Obviously he only has one nose and 2 eyes but there was enough damaged tissue for more.

I dont even feel bad... Like i still feel,it isn't enough. Because now i feel pain. And have since Halloween when the people he went to the carnival with left because i left. And haven't seen him since. Because they figured out thwt he was purposely keeping them from me, in line for the Haunted House for nearly 2 hours... I was not gonna stay..,

They could got out of line and sat with me at the fire they gave more logs for and rejoined him when he was near the front... It was cold where they were. They could even had taken turns in line.

It wasn't something i could do... I didn't even know they were there until after I left. All i was told was they would be about an hour... Which made no sense cause i thought they said they were already there... So what for an hour?

For the first time in forever it was just me and my kid for Halloween. We could done anything. My kid actually wanted to do the Haunted House... But didnt want to wait in the 36°F line for over an hour.

Its a good thing they left too, i got beat up in the Halloween Haunted House before, too.... Perfect place... Dark.. Scary... All perfect for "accidents" with no real person to take fault... Just accidents...

So really... I'm like part of me wants to tell him i know what he did...

But more i just want him to not exist.

And then another part of me still likes him and wishes he has grown up and realized he could be better than he allows himself to be. Part of me feels sorry for him.

I know he just wants to be loved and safe Just like we all do...

And I could love him as a friend as I had in the past... Knowing hes not been trustworthy in the past makes it easier to protect myself.

I handled him quite pperfectly 11 years ago... Until my ex husband I was married to then, started encou stupid and dangerous and evil entertainment.

I still don't understand the point to drug someone to have sex with them. Like dude. You're saying you're not good enough to be liked with a person sober and woke and living normal.

So that says a lot about a person... That they have no confidence or true love for themselves.

I been for real single in my house for 10 years...having only long distance relationships. I dont feel the need to drug someone to allow them to like me. They either do or they don't.

Im curious as to why they dont but i dont care. Some people just do not get along with others. Its that simple. I don't like plenty of people and to have to explain myself or be pushed around because of it totally pisses me off. I don't like you, simple as that and I'll hate you before I love you.

I see the most problem with criminals is they dont love themselves but usually demand others to while not believing others do... So they beat them.

Its really really sad. Its horrible. How they can't break that barrier to love just themselves. And then turn themselves into unlovable trash that they shouldn't be.

So at the end of the day, if you don't want to be loved. Then i won't love you.

Its the most difficult lesson a person can learn and its the most saddest and heartbreaking. But also the strongest making, most wisdom learning lesson.

And so I can turn off my feelings, my warmth, my caring for someone whom asks me to. Most especially someone whom has or would try to beat it into me.

Life is: Survival of the Fittest, is it not?

If you cannot love yourself, cherish yourself enough to take risks then you cannot survive.

If you cannot believe you are loveable then your actions will cause you to not be loveable.

But yet people like Jesse James and "Tom" don't have a problem with being greedy and asking for more and more and more. Like vampires with empty souls sucking down unicorn blood in the forest like they want to live on a page of a Harry Potter novel.

And so my question is, do i tell him what i know he did to Me? Or does he just want to relish in the delight of what he got away with so that He can devise ways to lie to make me some sort of pawn in his life, someone to use?

Why waste my time?

Friday in about 15 seconds i lost my child support check... While looking for it lost another check for $2.40...Then at the bank moments later literally $5 disappeared from ny hands.

Then the next day i had taken off my shoes in the Wal-Mart wheel chair shopping cart... While wheeling around... Lost my dam shoe.

I didn't even bother to look for it.

And my cat was kidnapped... Then i sent someone to fetch him... "Tom" let him get kidnapped again... Then he got fetched again.... And i have yet to see him... So im like what the fuck? Its been over a week... I tried Thursday night to go ask the neighbors but all the gates were locked...

Then i got this like flue feeling thing where i want to puke all day and all these body aches and I just want to sleep.

And Every thing is pissing me off...

And know why? Cause this curse if u dont acknowledge the dead on Halloween with a fuckking Hello then i get all this bad luck. Happens every time.like excuse me ass holes i deal with you 300 days a year and i can't have one with my kid?!

Its absolutely ridiculous

So id much rather sleep then to decide to care about someone whom has shown they do not care about me.

But is it wrong?

Should I tell him all those hits and attempts at giving me amnesia were temporary and i know exactly who he is and that he's still lying and that I know he was all trying to marry my friend then still get with me?

His dad says that he knew hitting me made me leave so that's why he hit my friend. And his dad says that she wasn't pregnant and that same as at my house it was more all over him than him on her... Unlike when he was with me

And i know i still have a lot of memories that don't fit right that are messed up.

But I know exactly what happened between Sara and Tom according to Sara's words to me. Because that part of my memories have never been affected. Even if i was drinking... Because i didn't drink a lot because i get migraines if i do. Mostly wine coolers or rum and juice...

Plus there was two adult sized male idiots, a seemingly whore type person and then 3 children 2 under the age of 5. So obviously someone who wasn't stumbling and posing a threat to the kids by falling over on themselves had to be present.

I just got drunk enough... So that i really didnt give a shit about all the stupidity I saw in the adults around me. And could say shit like "you know Sara, sometimes you're really dumb. Hes told you like 40 times to get off him and you're still on him So when tomorrow you're all black and blue and he says you tripped going down the stairs and i saw you walk down them just fine, I'm not really gonna care. I mean its not like he told you or anything. 46 times"

But while sober... I would worry why he was so mean to his girlfriend. Why she would always be rejected by him. And why she would allow herself to be treated so horrible. If my friend told me always to get off them, i would feel sad. Sometimes I have had to tell my kid not to touch or lean on me because i have pain... But i try to adjust so that they can... As i have a lot of numb spots next to highly painful areas.

But between Tom and Sara... I felt it was weird,volatile and and dangerous. And they shouldn't be together.

I even asked him once cause Sara would go inside with my ex a lot... Hmmm.. Idc.

"Why don't you like Sara to touch you?" And his face would be red.

And i would say " okay so then when do you like Sara to touch you?" Cause then i would tell her So she could get her affection...

And it was always difficult to get him to talk about himself.. Until for two nights I didn't talk to him and when we we're alone after he kicked me under the table most of the night, all angry in my face why i wouldn't talk to him...

"Oh why because you called me duct tape for 6 months telling me not to talk to you. And then when I did or have tried to "get close to you" as i would a friend, you just sit there all dopey and smile and don't even answer a question i ask you"

You know then sara comes out and says i said he was on dope.

And she denies it...and I'm tired of her being oblivious to every dam thing on the fucking planet. And i straight out accuse them both of being on meth...

And so while trying to faceplant herself on his Dick shes all "we should leave"

So then i throw them out and they both refuse to move. What. The. Fuck.

He claims hes afraid to leave cause she is all dopey on his Dick.... And hes all shes gonna rape m3 and all tries to,hide behind me,touching my body to use me as a shield and tries to jump over the railing of my porch!!! But acts like hes afraid to and asks my permission like 14 times. Dude you're a grown ass man why the fuck are you asking that's dumb. We were on the lower level anyway. Literally 4 steps, including the top.

It always seemed that stupid and annoying.

So i really didn't care when he went to jail, sentenced for 14 months and got out in 9..

Or when on New Year's Eve, i took her and her kids Christmas presents and she hadnt got any of us anything... And I had bought and took her cigarettes and she didn't want to share when i ran out... Or when I said we needed to leave because my kid wanted to go home and she told me that I was being a bad friend because I'm a good mom... Because I was going to leave... Then we went to the bonfire which my kid liked and so Sara said if i wanted to smoke her Winstons... Then i had to go get them and she threw them .... Because she was jealous all her neighbors were talking and laughing with me because i actually do know how to socialize.

And i quit being friends with her that night.

Left .... And every time she text me after i just told her to shut up and fuck my husband....but she didn't know because shes so sef absorbed that 2 months prior I told him i wanted a divorce.

On Thanksgiving.

In front of my uncle....

And so... Still... Should I tell him I think he's a complete ass hole with something to hide or a chicken shit that is making it look like he does.... And allow him to explain himself or not...

Because I a fucking tired of him trying to get into my brain. Hes all hiding. I'm not.

I heard in 4 months he hit me 15 occasions... I used the calculator and it was once every 8 days. I was 16. He was 23.

That enough makes me want to not talk to him. But i also don't want him to be all well that's your fault Sabrina. And blame me all kinds because I gave him a chance. I gave him a 100% chance.

Then when he blew me off more than once,including in DM.. I was all forget you then.... But then when I said i didn't want to fuck him, he lost his Goddam mind. Like dude... So yeah... When were we ever going to anyways when you can't even drive to someone's house? Or set up a date and actually go to it? It was So irrational the way he reacted. What? I'm a cum bucket? Like what he's gonna random run into me at Wal-Mart an pound me from behind in the family bathroom while i hold onto the toilet seat??

Seriously. Hes not rational

So I'm like to tell him what I've been told by th3 dead and what i remember... Its just a waste of effort, isn't it?

9 notes · View notes

quinintheclouds · 6 years ago

Note

Heyyyyyyyy quin, im gonna rant at you for a bit, because im fucking done with this bullshit!!! So, as of right now, my father's plan is to force me to redo freshman year, wether i want to or not(surprise surprise! i don't) He concluded this after taking one look at my grades from this year(four ds, one two as, two bs. not what i would consider good but thats not the poINT HERE) His exact words were "you are redoing your 9th grade year. its just a question of when." 1/idontfuckingknow

(Gonna paste the rest of your asks here. Tw: suicide mention)

Now, i, having already had a slightly toned-down version of this bloody conversation with my mother, did not have the patience for this shit. The following argument goes aproxxamately as follows,(this is a paraphrased version) beginning with me: "No. No, i already had this fucking conversation, im not redoing a year." "What POSSIBLE ARGUMENT COULD YOU HAVE for me to think so??" silence. "Do you ASPIRE to be a waitress?? Maybe a hairdresser" nothing. It only gets worse frome here. 2/??

"How much EFFORT DID YOU PUT INTO FUCKING THIS UP??" Now, lets stop here for a moment. What the fuck is my father, the man who's jizz became me, trying to pull? Anyway, my response was bewildered at best and full on APPALLED AND ENRAGED at worst: "you think i fucking- what makes you- I PUT EFFOR- THATS THESTUPIDESTSHITVIE EVERFUCKINGHEARD!??!!!! WHAT makes you think i DID IT ON PURPOSE??????" "THIS- *waves my report card in my face, wildly* MAKES ME THINK YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE." 3/4maybe5or6idk

Now, ive been trying, oh have i been trying, to get it through this man's head FOR YEARS, that i would never get bad grades on purpose. That should be a given right??? Anyway, he waves the paper in my face, and i (justly) had tears in my eyes. This is the angriest ive seen my father, which is saying a fucking lot, and hes about 8 inches from me, looking me DEAD IN THE FACE. And I have tears in my eyes. I was terrified, and im pretty sure i looked terrified. But did he care? mmmnotreally! 4/???

Ok, im not sure what else exactly he said(other than, sprinkled in there, that I manipulated my mother[no,] and that i 'couldve not shown up to class and still wouldntve done this bad') but either way, he walked away, saying "You WILL NOt be a sophomore at [my school] next year. we arent doing this again." *john mulaney voice* now, we don't have time to unpack all of that, If my father didn't give a shit about me before, he definitely doesn't now. This just fucking confirms it for me. 5/6

Actually, let me rephrase. He, no, BOTH of my parents don't give a shit about my mental health. They care about my grades because, if they turn out good, this tells them theyve done something right. They only give a shit about me if it benefits them, in that way or otherwise. This is what I've figured out. Honestly, i think im gonna have to tell him that ill fucking kill myself if im forced to redo freshman year. At this point, its the only way to get it through his head. 6/fuckigottadoonemore

And, at this point, im not even sure that if i said that, I'd be lying. In fuCKING conclusion, my parents do not give a shit. They don't give A SHIT, about how much BEING HELD BACK, is gonna FUCKING AFFECT ME, THEY JUST WANT MY GRADES TO BE BETTER SO THEY CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEM-FUCKING-SELVES. I'm done now.

_________________________________________________________

Wow, that sounds stressful as all hell... also your parents sound like mine. I can’t stand parents who put blame on their kid for their mental health or struggles. They don’t need the burden of thinking it’s their fault ON TOP OF the burden of actually dealing with that shit! Is it possible to talk to a counselor at school about not wanting to repeat the year? Those grades qualify you to move on, don’t they? I’d be as pissed as you if my dad tried to do that. It’s your education. My parents have screamed at me about grades many a time, and I FEEL your pain. The way they’re acting is unhealthy for you, and I’m so so sorry you have to go through it. Telling you your future has no potential unless you do what they say is manipulative bullshit.

"How much EFFORT DID YOU PUT INTO FUCKING THIS UP??" OH MY GOD if I had an ant for every time my parents said this to me I could make an ant colony strong enough to take over the world. It is NOT okay. Suggesting that your work is a failure in the first place is awful, but adding in that you did it on purpose is a terrible parenting excuse because they think it reflects on them. That shit will mess you up. I still struggle to remember that me having trouble with something doesn’t make it my fault. I used to believe them and blame myself for every break I took. Playing a video game? Could’ve been studying. Reading a book? Should have asked for extra credit. All of that is ridiculous and harmful to any kid or adult. Let’s get one thing clear: it is NOT. YOUR. FAULT. And another: grades are not a measurement of effort, intelligence, or worth. They’re structured poorly and the entire school system desperately needs revamping. Your future is not doomed regardless of your grades.

Your dad saying you “'couldve not shown up to class and still wouldntve done this bad'” is ABHORRENT. Telling you that you not trying at all is better than any efforts you make is just so profoundly fucked up, pardon my French. Also, completely wrong.

“BOTH of my parents don't give a shit about my mental health. They care about my grades because, if they turn out good, this tells them theyve done something right. They only give a shit about me if it benefits them, in that way or otherwise.“ My parents are the same way. They only care about whether something makes them look good or bad. You are NOT their trophy to show off as though your achievements are their own, and you are NOT some shameful thing for them to treat poorly. You are, always have been, and always will be, your own person.

I’m gonna use a quote from a show that hits me really hard and I feel that every child of awful parents needs to hear. “I’m... sorry. I’m sorry your parents don’t care enough. You have every right to be angry. But you deserve to be happy.” You have been through so much, and your anger is absolutely justified. And yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t be happy. You deserve better than anger. You deserve to be happy. “And I hope you can find that... even if it’s not today.”

“Honestly, i think im gonna have to tell him that ill fucking kill myself if im forced to redo freshman year. At this point, its the only way to get it through his head. And, at this point, im not even sure that if i said that, I'd be lying.” I have been there, so I’ll be 100% honest with you. If your parents are anything like mine -- and it sounds like they are -- telling them you’ll kill yourself still won’t get through to them. In fact, it might make them take you even less seriously if they see you using it as leverage. Kids of parents that don’t take mental health seriously often drive themselves further into depression as a cry for help (not by their own fault) that’s perpetuated by never being heard. I got worse and worse (tw suicide ment) and I told my parents I was having suicidal thoughts. They just saw it as lazy and selfish and overreacting. I spiraled deeper. Then, when I made an attempt, my mom was furious, screaming at me and threatening me because I could’ve messed up her gun. “If you really want to be dead, ask me and I’ll gladly do it for you. At least I know how to use a fucking gun right.”

I could go on with the rest of that story, but I’ll sum it up by saying: I got help. I got better. I realized that if they wouldn’t care about me, I would. I knew what I was feeling was real. I knew I needed help if I wanted to survive. And now, I’ve found real happiness and more stability. Mental health issues don’t go away easily, and I know it’s not the same for everyone, but working on them is so worth it. I promise it can get better. People like to think of happiness as a long-term thing, but life will always have its ups and downs... I still have down days. I won’t pretend I don’t still have a lot to work through. But I am, finally, okay. I never knew “okay” could be the default, or how okay life could be. And it’s amazing. Happy happens a lot more now, and depression is smaller and manageable. I know you’re stuck where you are for now, and may not have access to professional help. But please... Please care about yourself, even if your parents don’t. I care about you. You deserve to, too.

I’ve had so many moments that I felt were the last straw, that I couldn’t handle any more, that I was broken or ruined or doomed, but even then I somehow managed to survive. And I can honestly say I am so, so glad that I did. Please don’t let your parents ruin that for you. It’s not your fault for where you are. And it’s not where you’ll be forever. No matter what happens in this situation, whether it’s repeating the grade or moving on to the next, I believe that you can make it through. You are so fucking strong for making it this far. I know you might not believe me, but try to trust me. You. Deserve. Better. And even if it sucks right now, you absolutely can get there.

#I believe in you danny #tw suicide #tw suicide mention #tw suicidal ideation #tw abuse #tw emotional manipulation #tw emotional abuse #swearing

13 notes · View notes

teddy-feathers · 6 years ago

Text

i really thought i was better but I think i was just. pushing myself very hard in a situation that was different and less stressful than what I had previously pushed myself in.

and now all I can think is

I'm not going to get better without help.

so like im pursing that but ive got to get a job in the mean time and i think I'd like to just. lay down and die for a bit instead.

i hate this on again off again shit

its been like. three weeks or something idk.

im still tired and over it

and i dont want to try

and i dont want to explain or justify that i feel bad and I'm desperately afraid of exasperating that or that theres little i can do but just. slip in the work when my gaurd is down

its like being the prince, the damsel, and the dragon all at once when as far as everyone else is concerned youre the prince pretending to be the damsel at best and ignoring the hundred other very real dragons at worst

i dont want to play out this metaphor any more though it works quite well.

im upset and tired and painfully aware i exist.

its no longer the worst thing in the world but i still don't know how to deal with this any better than I already am

yanno besides coming clean and admitting im fucked again because.

that cant happen?

because attempts to help from my family are. not good.

or maybe would work on one level but make all the rest of the okayness ive got going on collapse which is a shame because i almost dont hate myself anymore and im almost okay with my parents finally and i don't want that to change

i mean its not perfect but its mine and i dont want that to change because i accidentally triggered us all back into our old rutts.

I can only do do much though and i can only push myself so much and I'm pretty damn shaken in my confidence. being better okay emotionally in a general sort of way really does make it feel really fucked up that ive had auch a casual disregard for. stuff.

like. I thought it was fake. or not that bad. and part of me still does and the rest really thinks that maybe if id been a little less careful everyone else would have been afraid too instead of what i thought people would tell me or act.

because. i really really didn't care about myself. i hated myself and. was really focused on the bad. and like. i still see it! but im also a lot more forgiving of myself and i care now when i didnt before and as someone who kinda wants to keep me around I'm scared now. of then yeah but of just how easily i slipped right back into it. just for a little.

passively suicidal isn't actually. okay. or any better than actively. its sneaker and awful like i always thought myself to be. and i think. i was right. if i was worse people would have done something about it. but that doesnt mean i wasnt really really bad. or that it wasnt really scary or a wake up call that I'm still not. 100% i guess.

even if i was tired and miserable and sore and grumpy a lot... this last job was so much better and really improved my life. i wasnt anxious the better part of the day or super stressed every day in a building shit way. or rather. it happened slower i guess?

and that helped a lot. and ive worked on myself a lot and... it feels stupid because i was proud of my progress only apparently i hadnt made it that far...

and this all feels like lies im trying desperately to tell myself so I'll feel better - fooling myself into believing but. i dont think it is? i think. i could talk myself into believing it is but i think my confidence was just shaken and I'm not used to having any and

im used to relying on myself and i dont know if i can trust myself anymore. which is ridiculous. i may not know my limits but i can do anything i set my mind to... if only for a little.

i need to grt myself together. not thinking doesnt help but thinking just makes me cry and take exhausting self realization journeys and neither of those things helps me move forward.

2 notes · View notes

writing-parker · 6 years ago

Text

Walk Me Home, Ch. 4

Summary/Pairing: Joanna Taylor finds out Tony Stark is actually her dad. Peter Parker X OC

Word Count: 10.1k

Warning: Mentions of death, drugs, and alcohol. Suicide Warning. Gun Warning This is rated M for language and smut.

Ch 1: Walk Me Home, Ch 1

Ch 2: Walk Me Home, Ch. 2

Ch 3: Walk Me Home, Ch. 3

A/N: Here’s chapter 4. I had to repost because of formatting issues, so im sorry if there’s any confusion. Also, thank you all soooo much for all of the comments and reblogs and likes and messages! It makes writing this so fun. PS. excuse the angst!

This has only been edited by me, so excuse any errors.

“Fuck,” Peter mutters under his breath

“Get out!” Jo yells at Sam and Bucky, quilt clutched to her chest, “Now!” They both back out of her room slowly and Jo falls back against her pillows, groaning. Peter chuckles a little, “Your heart is beating so fast right now.”

“Two Avengers literally just kicked in my front door, I’m sure that I’m having a pretty normal reaction.” Jo pushes some hair out of her face before cocking her head up at him, “Wait, you can hear that?”

“Only because it’s really quiet in here,” He explains with a soft smile, “I’ve gotten pretty good at tuning that type of stuff out. The suit does it for me automatically, but at first, when I wasn’t wearing it there was just so much sight and sound stimulation it drove me crazy.”

“I didn’t know that.” Jo tells him truthfully.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” He points out.

“Should we change that?” She asks breathily, butterflies forming in her stomach at the seriousness of these words. One of Peter’s hands comes up to clutch her cheek, thumb tracing her bottom lip. In the morning light Peter notices that her brown eyes have a ring of gold around them. The weight behind Jo’s words hang in the air. After last night, it’s clear that whatever they’ve been doing isn’t working.

There’s a loud clang from the kitchen and they’re pulled from their reverie. Peter sighs and stands to re-dress, “I guess we should deal with that.”

“Guess so,” Jo shakes her head and rummages around her room for a pair of lounge pants before putting on the same undershirt she had on the night before. Jo groans as soon as she steps out of her room. The door to her apartment had been torn from the hinges and thrown across the loft into the opposing wall, like someone with super powers had kicked it in. For a second, Jo almost laughs. How was this her life?

Peter leans against the frame of Jo’s bedroom and surveys the damage in front of him. She was going to need a new door frame, a new door, and to repair the damaged wall them door flew into. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and looks across the room at Bucky and Sam.

“Why?” Is all he asks them.

Jo is still openly gaping at the hole in the wall where her door used to be, “Why?” she repeats, glaring at the person nearest to her, which happened to be Sam. “Don’t look at me,” Sam says, hands in the air defensively, “He’s the one who kicked the door in.”

“Dude.” Bucky throws Sam a look, “You told me to.”

“Why?” Jo repeats, teeth clenched.

“Your dad-” Sam starts.

“Is in Singapore!” Jo yells, “What does he have to do with this?”

“If you would let me finish,” Sam gives her a pointed look. “He got an alert from FRIDAY that you left the apartment and didn’t come back. FRIDAY also alerted him that you were under some sort of distress when you left. He called your phone about 100 times since then and you didn’t answer. So. He sent us to save you.”

“From Peter?” She sounds defeated, looking at the mess in front of her. Jo considers Sam’s words. It was true, she had left, incredibly upset, and just not come back. She hadn’t realized she left her phone at the tower or that anyone had been trying to get in touch with her.

“Tony convinced us that a bad, bad man had you and we were racing against time to find you.” Sam says.

“I hate you both.” Peter says from his spot in Jo’s doorframe.

Bucky and Sam’s direct their attention to Peter and Sam laughs out loud, “This is your, fault kid. How were we supposed to know the girl you told us about was Jo.”

Jo’s eyes snap to Peter, “You told them?” She asks him defensively.

“Not that it was you.” He says pointedly.

“This is a mess.” Bucky runs a hand through his hair.

Jo decides to ignore anything Peter may or may not have said to his roommates about their fight. “But why didn’t you just knock first?”

“This could have all been avoided if you knocked.” Peter continues.

“I told you it was only a matter of time before the teenagers turned on us,” Sam muttered to Bucky, who nodded beside him.

“Oh, my god!” Jo lets out a frustrated groan, “Forget it! Can we just clean it up?” The four of them begin to pick up the area quietly. Jo moves to her supply closet to grab a broom and dustpan and stands out of the way until the others are done with the heavy lifting. Bucky grabs hold of the industrial style door that’s currently stuck in the wall across from the entrance to her apartment, and with a little bit of effort pulls it out of the wall. More concrete and drywall fall to the ground loudly and Bucky gives Jo a sheepish look.

Peter and Sam quietly pick up the larger pieces of concrete that surround the doorframe and wall, piling them up in the hallway outside Jo’s apartment. “So,” Joanna says casually, sweeping up the remaining dust and debris, “You obviously saw Peter and I here, uh, together,” Sam lets out a snort and Jo shoots him a glare, “Did you tell Tony he was here?”

Peter and Jo exchange a look. Jo hadn’t known Tony and Peter very long, but she was able to learn that the two of them had a special relationship, even if Tony was hard on Peter sometimes. And Peter saw exactly the way Tony had changed since Jo came into his life. He was better in every way. Peter also knew that Tony was aware of his less than stellar reputation when it came to women. If Tony found out that Peter was sleeping with his daughter he would send him on a year-long mission in South America. Or to work in a lab in Switzerland. Or maybe he’d just kill him.

Peter coughs a bit and looks at them, “You can’t tell Tony.”

Sam takes one look at the two of them and laughs out loud. They both wear matching expressions of embarrassment and fear. “You guys are so fucked.” “Sam.”

“We didn’t tell him, don’t worry about it.” Bucky tells them.

“Yup. As far as he’s concerned you just left your phone at the tower.” Sam reassures, looking between the two, “But ya’ll gotta figure whatever this is out.” With that, the two men make their way out of Jo’s apartment. Sam’s words hang between the two of them.

“He’s, uh, got a point, Jo.” Peter tells her, gingerly picking up the door and trying to place it in front of the hole in the wall is. “You should call Happy about this.” He says as an afterthought.

Jo stares at him for a little, unable to express her thoughts to him.

“Okay, I’ll go first I guess.” Peter moves to stand in front of her, “Look Joanna. I know it’s hard to put a label on this, but it just doesn’t feel casual to me anymore. I thought it could pretend I cared less than I did, but it drove me insane. I just need you to know I’m crazy about you. I don’t even know where I’m going with this.” Peter rambles.

“I get it!” Jo finally gets out, “I get it, I feel the same way. This is special, ok?” She grabs one of Peter’s hands, lacing her fingers with his. “You’re all I’ve thought about since I met you.”

“I haven’t even been able to look at another girl since you,” Peter laughs a little. “We still can’t tell anyone.” She reminds him.

“Yeah, but at least we aren’t pretending that friends with benefits is working anymore. Maybe, eventually, we can tell Tony and-“

“Any then what?” Jo asks, getting a little defensive, “Then you put your arm around me in public and then the whole world thinks they own us? No way.” Peter sighs. Jo has a point, but he decides that this just isn’t the time to talk about that. “Look,” He says, pulling her close and leaning down to ghost his lips along her jaw, “as long as you know how I feel, I’m fine.”

“Remind me how you feel again?” Jo gives him a mischievous smile, but there’s something in her eyes that he doesn’t quite understand. Insecurity, maybe?

Peter softens, kissing the spot behind her ear that makes her shiver, “No one has ever made me feel the way you make me feel.” He pulls back and puts his hands on her shoulders, looking her in the eye, “It’s just you, okay?”

“Okay,” Jo whispers, feeling the weight of his words. “Can you hear my heart right now?” She’s overwhelmed by her feelings and she’s not sure she’ll be able to properly articulate them to him.

Peter nods.

“Then you know.” Jo swallows, “How I’m feeling right now.”

Peter lifts a hand and ghosts it over the skin above her heart. “Just for you.” Jo tells him. Peter nods again and presses his lips to hers, kissing her hungrily. The two separate eventually and continue to clean the area. When they’re satisfied with their work, Peter pulls Jo to the couch with him. “I’m taking a mental health day today.” Peter declares to Jo. “Do you have anything on your agenda?”

She looks up at him and shakes her head. “Literally nothing.” Jo smiles up at him.

They spend the morning drinking coffee and talking. Jo gets wrapped up in every story Peter has to tell her. It’s the first time he opens up to her like this. About his high school friends that are away at college and what Tony meant to him and the crazy missions he’s been on.

Jo hesitates to ask him about his parents, but Peter easily explains the situation to her. His parents died when he was very young. He was raised about his aunt and uncle. Jo wasn’t embarrassed to admit to him that he had read an interview that he had done with GQ. He had gushed about his Aunt May, but didn’t mention an uncle.

Peter looks anywhere but Jo when he says, “He died.”

“Oh.”

“Like four months after I got bit. He was stabbed in a robbery.”

“Peter…” Jo sits up to look at him. She can tell he’s trying keep his face indifferent.

“I couldn’t stop it.” He finally looks at her. “I was there, I wasn’t fast enough.” Jo knew the pain of losing a parent, of course. But she cannot imagine that coupled with the belief that it had been her fault that her mom died. She reaches for his hand and plays with his fingers and waits for him to go on.

“I think about it every day…. If I had gotten there a second earlier.” Peter shakes his head, “He would be here still and May would be happy.”

“You were barely 15. You can’t,” Jo pauses, “You shouldn’t carry this burden around.”

“I know, Joanna.” He gives her a sad smile.

Unsure of what else to say, Jo leans forward and presses a kiss to his lips. She goes to pull away but Peter anchors a hand in her hair and pulls her closer to him. Jo thrills at the feeling of Peter’s calloused hands running down her arms and over her waist.

Peter pulls Jo closer and she straddles his waist. One of his hands travels down to her ass, squeezing lightly. Jo gasps into his mouth and grinds her hips against his. Before Jo can react Peter hooks an arm around her back and flips them so she’s on her back underneath him, Peter’s hips between her thighs.

“I wish I could spend every afternoon like this,” Peter tells Jo, pushing some hair out of her face.

“Quit your day job and drop out of school,” Jo says cheekily, “And I think we can work something out.”

Peter rolls his eyes and kisses his way down her body, effectively cutting off all conversation for the rest of the afternoon. __________________________________________________________________

Friday night rolls around. Both Jo and Peter decide to ignore invitations to go out with their friends to stay in and hang out at Peter’s, something that Jo has grown fond of doing with him. It’s nearly 1AM when they decide to put a frozen pizza in the oven.

“Crazy Friday night.” Peter laughs from behind Jo, wrapping two arms around her.

She leans back against his chest and nods, “It’s nice.”

Peter hums in agreement and rests his chin on the top of her head. The two are comfortably quiet for a few moments until they’re both pulled from their thoughts by the elevator door opening and loud, raucous laughter coming from the inside.

Peter drops his arms and steps away from Jo, who moves to take a spot on a stool around the island as Steve, Bucky, and Sam saunter in the room.

“The kids are still awake!” Sam declares as he walks into the kitchen and immediately opens the fridge and pulls out a 6 pack, immediately tossing one to Steve and one to Bucky.

“It’s gotta be past your bedtime,” Steve says to Jo with a teasing smile.

Jo gives him a crooked smile back, “Are you guys drunk?” She had never seen Steve with the glassy look he has in his eyes.

“No, we just went to happy hour.” Sam explains as Bucky takes a seat next to Jo.

“Happy hour ends at 7.” Jo accuses, narrowing her eyes at Bucky.

Bucky reaches out and pokes the tip of her nose, “Happy hours.” He corrects. “You’re all wasted!” Peter laughs, pointing at Steve.

“Needed to blow off some steam?” Jo asks, resting her chin on her hand. “We were trying to get Bucky laid.” Steve slurs a little looking between Jo and Peter. “The man needs it and he won’t talk to girls himself so… wingman.” Steve points at himself.

“Wingmen!” Sam corrects.

“But Bucky’s not with a girl… he’s here in the kitchen. You guys aren’t great wingmen.” Peter notes, taking a look at Bucky, who is bright red.

“I didn’t have a say in any of this,” He explains with a smile. Jo, surprised to learn that he’s a happy drunk, smiles back at him.

“Well we can’t all be lucky enough to live in the same apartment as the person we’re banging,” Sam says. Steve gives him a curious look.

“Who are you talking about?” Steve asks.

Jo tries very hard not to show any emotion on her face, but she feels her eyes widen at Peter. Peter shoots a glare at Sam, who doesn’t even realize how bad he messed up. In the same moment, the oven timer goes off loudly, startling everyone in the room.

“Did you guys cook for us?” Bucky asks, not skipping a beat.

Peter and Jo both let out the breath they had been holding when Steve walks over to the oven, “You made us a pizza? How sweet.” And with that Sam’s comment is forgotten.

Steve passes out on the couch after a couple more hours of beer and shit talking. Jo Peter Bucky and Sam stand in the hallway by the elevator. “You suck!” Jo whisper-yells at Sam.

“This is why I don’t tell you anything!” Peter says in the same tone.

“Is this about what I said about you guys bangin’? I’m sorry. I forgot Steve didn’t know.” Sam shrugs, still drunk.

“This is why we can’t have nice things.” Jo mutters under her breath. “I’m going to bed, I hope you old men don’t have hangovers tomorrow.”

“Rude.” Sam acknowledges her comment before pressing the elevator button for Jo. Bucky gives her and Peter a kind smile before making his way to his room. When the elevator opens Jo looks at Peter, “Come sleep in my bed?” She asks, holding a hand out for him. He grabs it and brings it to his lips.

“I have to get up early tomorrow. Meeting with Tony.” Peter explains.

“That’s fine. I won’t keep you up.” She says, pulling him into the elevator.

“You say that now.” Peter rolls his eyes.

“I’m serious!” Jo laughs.

“You’re insatiable.”

“I’ll let you sleep.” Jo promises.

The pair make their way to Jo’s bedroom slowly, a little drunk on beer and sleepy. Jo had wondered how the older men would react when Peter grabbed two beers from the fridge and handed one to Jo, but they didn’t even blink an eye.

One thing she was shocked to find out about her newfound fame was how easy it was to get illegal substances. She never had to ask or go looking, if she went to an event or a party or a press release- if there were a group of celebrities there, there was alcohol, among other drugs that Jo had more than her fair share of.

She wasn’t a normal 16 year-old girl and Peter wasn’t a normal 19 year-old boy, so she guessed that they could have a beer whenever they damn pleased. Jo changes quietly, swapping the pale blue dress she was wearing for one of Peter’s discarded shirts before padding to the bathroom to quickly wash her face and brush her hair. She crawls into bed and waits for Peter to join her.

No matter how tired she is, seeing Peter with his shirt off still makes Jo feel things. His defined muscles sort of came as a shock to her, because he was so slim and quick, but they were a welcome surprise. She was used to dating skinny boys and Peter was already built like a man. She supposed that when you were on Captain America’s training regimen that was the result.

Her eyes follow him as he approaches the other side of the bed, “Like what you see?” He teases.

“I like looking at you,” Jo tells him unabashedly, “You’re really nice to look at.”

Peter climbs into bed next to her and presses his lips to hers, “You’re not half bad yourself.”

______________________________________________________________

When Jo wakes up the next morning the other side of the bed is cold and empty. She scrolls through Instagram and Twitter for a bit before growing bored and making her way to the kitchen. She’s shocked to see Peter sitting at her kitchen island sipping a cup of coffee. He’s dressed in blue slacks and a white shirt, sleeves rolled and tie loosened, with his jacket strewn across the back of the chair he sits in.

Peter’s too wrapped up in whatever he’s reading to notice Jo enter the kitchen. She leans against the wall and watches Peter read, enjoying the sight of him all business casual. After a few moments she clears her throat.

“I thought you said your meeting was really early. It’s already 9.” She says. If she startled Peter he doesn’t show it, “I’ve actually been back for a half hour already.” He says smugly, lifting a coffee cup to his mouth.

“Does Tony make you wear a suit for meetings?” Jo asks, making her way over to the stool next to his. Peter gives her a quick kiss on the cheek before returning his attention to whatever he’s reading.

“No, but Tony’s always in a suit when he’s in his office. Seems like the professional thing to do.” Peter mumbles as Jo picks up his coffee and takes a sip. One of Peter’s hands finds her thigh and he absentmindedly runs his fingers across her skin. He’s so focused on whatever he’s doing he’s barely looked at her.

“Hmm.” Jo hums next to him, not trying to distract from whatever he’s reading. After a few moments Peter lets out a sign and turns to face Jo.

“Sorry,” He laughs a little, loosening his tie a little more, “I thought you would be asleep longer.”

Jo shrugs, “It should be illegal to have meetings before 9am.” She tells him. Peter laughs in earnest, “Jo, Tony starts his work days at like 6 in the morning. I’m just happy he didn’t have me come in then.”

“Fair enough. What are you reading?” Jo peeks at the papers curiously. “Mission briefing.” Peter says as he stands to get more coffee.

“Are you going somewhere?” She rests her chin on her hands and appreciates the sight of him making coffee in his work clothes in her kitchen.

“Marrakech.” He doesn’t look up from the coffee filter he’s fiddling with. “Morocco? Peter that’s so cool!” Jo’s eyes light up.

“Cool?” Peter snorts, “Glad you think so. I’ll be getting shot at.”

Jo’s face drops and she looks at her hands, feeling chagrined.

Peter takes one look at her and immediately feels like shit. “Hey,” He walks over to Jo and puts a finger under her chin, tilting her head up to force her to look at him, “I’m sorry. It is cool that I get to go to these places. I usually even have a full day to be a tourist.”

Jo’s eyes search his and she says nothing, not sure what to make of him snapping at her like that.

“May has me really stressed lately,” Peter explains, “She worries a lot and it freaks me out and I had just gotten off the phone with her when you walked in.”

“What you and Tony do… I mean I know it’s dangerous, but like, what are you even walking in to? You don’t get to wear a bulletproof suit like Tony and I mean you’re so much younger than them and Steve and Bucky and Sam fought in actual wars, it doesn’t seem right that you-”

Peter cuts Jo off by pressing his lips to hers. She runs a hand through his hair and kisses him back gently. When he pulls away he smiles at her, “You’re cute when you’re worried.” Jo grunts in his direction, annoyed he won’t take her seriously.

“Jo, I’m always safe, okay?” Peter nuzzles behind her ear, “Don’t worry your pretty little head about me.”

Of course, that’s all she would do, but he doesn’t need to know that. “When do you leave?”

Jo squeals a little when Peter pulls her from her stool and into his lap, “Later this afternoon. We’ll be gone maybe four or five days.”

“Oh.” Jo’s face falls a little.

“What is it?” Peter asks.

Jo leans back and away from Peter so she can look at him better. One of his hands reaches around to steady her back so she doesn’t fall off of him. “Maria’s getting married.”

Peter smiles. Maria Hill was getting married in a ceremony upstate. They rented a big pretty barn with a huge field for the ceremony and reception, and even rented the Inn on the property for their small wedding party and closest friends. Just about every field agent he knew was going to the wedding and all of the Avengers had been invited to stay the weekend.

“Yeah?” He asks.

“It’s really not a big deal,” Jo tells him. Peter has to refrain from rolling his eyes. He learned pretty quickly that if a girl says something isn’t a big deal, it probably is. Jo continues, “Well, for some reason she invited me to come along. And I was wondering if you were going.”

Peter frowns, it’s Tuesday. Everyone had been planning to drive up on Friday morning in a few of the Stark Industries SUVs that Tony had provided on, but Peter had been planning on traveling up separately the next day. “I was going to go Saturday depending on when I got back. Why?”

“My birthday is Sunday. And I can’t go Friday with everyone else because I have some Spotify thing.” Jo tells him.

“I know. Maria picked out a cake to bring out on Saturday at the end of the reception.” Peter smiles at her.

“So you’re going upstate, too?” Jo asks. “I wasn’t sure if I should even go…” “Yeah. Sam and I were going to drive up Saturday morning-ish, depending on when we get back. Come with us. I want to see you on your birthday.” Peter says, kissing her on her temple.

Jo bites her lip, “You don’t think anyone will think it’s weird that we’re coming together?”

“No, and besides, Sam’s coming too. We can be out together, Jo, no one will think a thing of it. It might be weirder if we pretend we don’t know each other.” Peter laughs.

Jo thinks about it for a minute. Over the past year, every single boy that she’s been in public with has been speculated to be her boyfriend. This wasn’t any different. “No, you’re right.” She tells him, “We can be in public together. I feel like we’re expected to be friends.”

“You know,” Peter laughs, “People always say shit about Tony being a ‘father figure’ to me. Before it didn’t really bother me, but now…”

“Ew.” Jo says, “No, that’s weird, right?”

“That’s totally weird.” Peter agrees. He pulls Jo close she rests her head on his chest. Peter runs a hand through her hair, enjoying the feel of her on top of him. He never really felt this way with any other girls, like he needed to be close to them or he couldn’t breathe, but everything he felt with Jo was just so different than anything he had ever experienced. But he couldn’t tell anyone that because they would say he’s 19 and young and stupid. He pushes those thoughts to the back of his mind and rests his chin on Jo’s head.

“What do you want for your birthday?” Peter asks Jo eventually.

“Oh, nothing.” She says without hesitation.

“C’mon, Jo. Gimme something.” Yeah, he had really strong feelings for her, but he still had no clue what she would want for her birthday. Perfume? Jewelry? No. Everything traditional seemed wrong.

“Peter, I don’t want anything. I definitely don’t need anything.” Jo says with a heavy eye roll. “Just get home safe, okay?”

Peter nods and scoops Jo up in his arms, ignoring her yells of protest, and deposits her on the large couch in the living area. “You’re so easy to throw around.” He laughs.

“You have superpowers it’s not even close to a fair fight.” Jo pushes herself into a sitting position.

“Life isn’t fair, Taylor.” He says, her last name rolling off his tongue.

“Whatever, get over here.” Jo laughs and pats the space on the couch next to her.

“Jo, if I don’t finish the reading Tony gave me he’s gonna be so pissed.” Peter tells her.

“Well bring it over here.”

Peter does as she says and takes the spot next to her on the couch. They’re both quiet for a bit, Peter finishing his work and Jo scrolling through her phone. Peter feels her eyes on him, quietly appraising his form.

“What?” He asks Jo.

She shrugs and say nothing, but continues to stare. She takes in his face- the curve of his nose, his strong jaw, soft eyes- his hands, the rolled up sleeves of his dress shirt, driving her crazy. Not even realizing what she’s doing, she pulls the papers he’s reading from his hand and drops them on the ground and straddles his hips, fingers toying with the loosened tie around his neck.

“What are you doing?” Peter asks, sounding a little annoyed, but his hands find her waist nonetheless.

“You can read on the plane.” Jo tells him, slipping his tie off and pressing light kisses down his jaw. Once the tie is gone, she makes quick work of the buttons on his dress shirt. Jo pulls off the shirt she’s wearing- one of Peters- leaving her only in an impossibly tiny pair of panties.

Peter leans back against the couch cushions, drinking in the sight of her on top of him like that. Soon Jo has his dress shirt unbuttoned and pushed aside. She kisses and bites down his body. When her teeth scrape one of Peter’s nipples, he moans loudly, bucking his hips.

Jo climbs off Peter and settling on her knees in front of him. She can see his growing erection underneath his slacks, and she makes quick work of his belt, pulling his pants and boxers down over his cock.

She grasps his thickening shaft, and Peter groans as she pumps him, watching her through slitted eyes. She glances at his flushed cheeks and the taut muscles in his neck, feeling herself get turned on as well. Then she fists her hair over her shoulder in one hand and bends over him to suck the head of his cock between her lips.

“Shit—you… god,” he sighs as he collapses back into the couch, both of his hands grip the cushions tightly. She watches his face from the corner of her eye and hesitantly swirls her tongue around the tip. His skin is salty, and when her tongue swipes through the slit, the flavor of his precum bursts across her taste buds. It encourages her, and, releasing her hair, she grabs the base of his cock and opens her mouth wider, taking him in farther.

One of Peter’s hands releases the couch to fist in her hair. Jo tries to maintain eye contact with him as much as possible; his pupils grow fatter, and his nostrils flare, his mouth parts as he breathes deeper, faster. It makes her wetter.

“Fuck, that feels good,” Peter whispers, eyes shut, teeth worrying at his bottom lip. “Just...a little harder.”

Tightening her fist, she sucks his cock into her mouth. He grunts, hips jerking slightly. The hand in her hair tightens and he pulls harshly. She cries out, her own hand releasing him to pull his fist out of her hair.

“Oh god,” Peter says, sitting up a little to look down at Jo, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” She tells him reassuringly, “I just don’t think I liked that. Don’t pull.”

When Jo’s mouth returns to his cock, he gently weaves his hand into her hair, but just to keep it out of her face. She flicks her tongue over the head, along the ridge, obsessively studying his face as it twists in pleasure. Reassured, she slides her mouth back down on him. She can’t take him too far or deep, but she tries to make up for it with a tight, stroking hand on the bottom half of his cock, tugging on his flesh when she pulls her lips and tongue up to the head.

“God, that’s so good,” Peter grunts, voice choked, abdomen flexing. She splays her free hand over the muscles, feeling them quiver under her touch. Suddenly, his other hand finds her shoulder to gently push her away and he gasps. “Fuck, I’m gonna come.” Jo’s mouth remains on him.

Peter struggled to keep his eyes open, and she locked gazes with him, her lips wrapped tightly around him. His balls tightened, and she instinctively thrusts her tongue back to catch his semen as he comes with a grunt.

When he’s done, Jo releases him and pulls his boxers up over his cock before kissing her way up his body again. He sits with his head back against the couch, eyes closed, breathing still ragged. When she kisses under his chin, both of his hands frame her jaw and bring her lips to his.

“You’re incredible,” He says, one hand tangling in her hair, fingers gently rubbing her scalp, “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” His fingers apply a little more pressure.

“It’s okay. I-I” Jo stutters, then takes a deep breath, feeling embarrassed for some reason, even though Peter’s cock was literally just in her mouth, “I’m still figuring out what I like, I guess.” Then she looks down, “Was that… good for you? I mean I’ve never really…” Jo struggles to find the right words.

Peter’s eyes flutter all the way open, “You’ve never… really?” Considering the way she just made him feel, he finds it hard to believe.

“No, well, yes, I mean,” She’s flustered all of the sudden, not sure how to talk about her ex or the guys she brought home when she went off the deep end after her mother died.

“Just with one person. My ex. When I was still in school, before all of this,” She says referring to her album and tour and the fame and Tony and Peter. “There was him and, I mean, I was really young and we weren’t exactly adventurous in bed. Then we broke up not long before my mom died. After that I just went home with anyone, any warm body, and I wasn’t exactly eager to do that with them.” She’s suddenly a bit shy, eyes cast downward toward her hands.

“I didn’t sleep with all of them, just a few. So uh, yeah, I’m not really good at this.” She manages to stutter. “I think I sort of put on this false bravado when we met and started fooling around and stuff.” Jo shrugs.

Peter things back to the first few times they were intimate together. She had been the one to initiate it, but he remembered noticing how timid she really was. He looks at her, tucked up against his side, mostly naked, and blushing hard, “Hey, you know I’m not expecting anything from you right?”

Jo cocks an eyebrow at him.

Peter, a bit frustrated, runs a hand through his hair, “The way we started this fucked everything up.” He sighs, and Jo looks at him curiously, “We shouldn’t have made it just about sex. I just wanted you any way I could get you, and that was selfish of me.

“But I don’t-I’m not…. Look, I like it. That you haven’t been with that many guys. But I also wouldn’t care if you slept with everyone in New York City. I just like you.” Peter pauses a moment, “And you just made me feel really, really good. So don’t ever worry about that.”

Jo blushes deeper and nods, “Okay.” She whispers to him.

Peter runs his hands down her body, leaving goosebumps in their trail, “Thanks for the unexpected blowjob.” He gives her a crooked smirk.

Jo laughs out loud, pushing his chest back a little so she can slip out of his grip, and Peter makes a sound of protest, “Oh, sush.” She giggles, dropping his mission briefing back on his lap and pulling Peter’s big t-shirt back over her body.

Peter watches Jo flit around her apartment cleaning the mess she’s left unattended for the last couple of days and suddenly wishes that he didn’t have to go anywhere this week. Or ever. He could watch her in his t-shirt forever, and never get tired of the sight.

___________________________________________________________

Jo hops up on the edge of the low stone wall that surrounds the patio where the make-shift dance floor is set up. Maria’s ceremony was beautiful and quick, and now the party was in full swing. She watches some of the drunker patrons dance very poorly with a small smile on her face.

Peter stands by the bar, drink in hand, pretending to listen to whatever Tony and Natasha are talking about. Really, he hasn’t been able to take his eyes off Jo since the ceremony when she and Natasha, who were sharing a room, sat next to him.

She had on a green dress, the color of sage, that made her tan, summer skin literally glow. It was short, maybe a little too short for a wedding (not that Peter cared), with thin straps and a very, very low back that showed off the curve of her spine. Her hair was as wild as ever, cascading down her back. He had to force himself to look away from her, she was so radiant.

Tony watches Peter watch his daughter. The young man hadn’t been able to keep his eyes off her, and literally every single person talking to him noticed. Tony wanted to be annoyed, but the protectiveness, the softness in Peter’s eyes was something he’d never seen before, at least not with any of the girls Tony had met.

Tony sighed, figuring he’d cross that bridge when he came to it. The music slowly changes from dance music, to the oldies and Bing Crosby blasts over the speakers. Natasha quickly grabs Peter, “We’re dancing, маленький паук,” She says, using the nickname she gave him when he was still in high school.

Peter laughs, shrugging at Tony, before following her to the dance floor. Jo eyes follow them, soft smile playing on her lips. Peter looked so good in a suit, and she was just the right tipsy that everything had her smiling. She’s pulled from her thoughts when someone next to her clearing their throat.

Bucky Barnes stands in front of her, right hand extended, “Let me show you how to dance properly.” He smiles at her. “To good music.” He winks.

Jo smiles at him and takes his hand. While she was always nervous about Sam saying something about her’s and Peter’s secret relationship, she knew she could trust Bucky to keep it a secret.

“I really like Bing Crosby, you know. But I think you’d like 60s music better.” She tells him truthfully. “I’ll make a playlist.”

Bucky smiles at her. They find themselves on the dance floor with Peter and Natasha and Steve and Wanda. Steve and Bucky try to teach the girls how to dance the right way, as Steve explained. Bucky twirls Jo, her hair flying around her face, laughing, before she stumbles right into Peter.

“Oof,” She grunts, hitting his solid chest, Peter steadies her, letting one hand rest on her hip just a little too long.

The song switches to a slow song and Jo goes to pull away, but Peter looks over her head at Bucky and says, “I’m gonna steal your partner,” before turning to Jo, who is about to open her mouth in protest when he rolls his eyes, “Don’t make it weird, ok? No one’s paying attention. I just want to dance with you.”

One of Peter’s hands find Jo’s waist, and the other grabs her left hand, pulling her close, but not too close. She rests her free arm over his shoulder, around his neck. He smells like whiskey and honey and the cigar he smoked with Tony.

“Have I told you how great you look tonight?” Peter asks her, eyes boring into hers.

Jo blushes, “You like the dress? I wasn’t sure if it was exactly wedding appropriate….”

“You look so fucking good, Jo.” Peter laughs airily, ghosting his hand down her spine. Jo tries not to shiver. Peter looks around, making sure no one is watching them.

Jo almost moans out loud when his teeth scrape her ear. She pulls back and smacks him in the chest lightly, “You’re drunk.” Jo giggles, cheeks rosy.

“Baby,” He looks at her, “Your legs in that dress are doing things to me, I’m sorry I can’t help it. And besides, you’re drunk too.”

Jo giggles again, taking note of how much she liked it when he called her baby. The song dies down and she and Peter make their way off the dance floor to one of the empty tables surrounding the area. Jo kicks off her heels and rests her feet at one of the empty chairs. Peter takes off his suit jacket and drapes it over Jo’s shoulders before making his way back over to the bar.

Jo follows him with her eyes, barely noticing someone sit next to her. “Hey, kid.” Tony says, sitting down next to her with a bottle of whiskey and a cigar.

“Tony! I’ve looking for you since I got here!” Jo laughs, grabbing the cigar from him.

“That can’t be good for a singer.” Tony says, and Jo rolls her eyes. “You know, as your father I should probably be telling you that you cannot, under any circumstances, smoke or drink until you are of legal age.”

“But?”

“But, it seems like that ship had sailed. Are you having fun?” Tony laughs, taking a swig of whiskey. Jo doesn’t miss the way his eyes cut to where Peter is standing at the bar.

“It’s beautiful here.” Jo tells him truthfully, “And everyone is drunk and happy. I love it.”

Tony’s hand finds her shoulder, forcing her to look at him, “I’m glad you’re doing better.” He tells her. Jo covers his hand with hers.

“Cause of you.” She tells him, eyes clear and boring into his. There will always be a lot more to say, but for now this is enough for both of them.

“Jo!” Peter interrupts, sauntering into view, “I got you a whiskey sour, ‘cause they’re out of oranges and old fashioneds without oranges are gross I guess. Well, that’s what the bartender said. I think they’re gross all the time.”

“Because you have the pallet of a 13 year old.” Jo rolls her eyes.

They laugh and keep drinking, until soon the whole table is full and Natasha has a tray of tequila shots and everyone is laughing because Steve can’t keep a straight face drinking it. Things get a bit blurry for Jo after that, but she remembers Sam and Bucky bringing out a cake sometime after midnight and everyone singing happy birthday and blowing out candles and being really happy.

It’s nearly 3am and Peter and Jo and a few others are keeping the party going. Peter can tell that Jo’s getting tired by the way her eyes flutter and her body sags into his. He pulls her closer to him, arm around her shoulders, not really caring who sees. Tony had gone back to the city hours ago and Peter was too drunk to care about the looks that Natasha was giving them.

Peter watches Jo pull his jacket tighter around her body and laugh at something Sam said. Peter leans down to whisper in her ear, “Good birthday so far?” He asks, wondering if she’ll remember in the morning

Jo looks up at him with starry eyes, “So good.” She tells him, leaning her head into his chest. “I’m really tired.”

Peter hums, taking a sip of his drink and slipping his arm around her. Jo closes her eyes and lets the vibrations from his voice and the steady beat of his heart lull her to sleep.

Jo is startled awake not long after by Peter pulling her into his arms and lifting her easily off the bench and grabbing her shoes, “I can walk.” She tells him, but despite her words she nuzzles her face further into his neck.

Peter just laughs and continues walking towards the inn. When he finally makes it to his room he sets her down gently. Jo sways a little in front of him. He puts his hands on her shoulders to steady her and she looks at him with complete adoration.

“Peter,” She whispers, reaching a hand up to touch his cheek.

Peter leans into her touch, smiling down at the drunk girl in front of him, “Jo.” He whispers back.

Joanna doesn’t say anything, just moves to wrap both arms around his neck before standing on her toes and pressing her lips to his. The kiss deepens quickly and Peter’s hands are roaming her back, down her arms, sliding up her waist to cup one of her breasts. Jo palms the front of Peter’s dress pants and feels him start to harden under her touch.

Peter pulls her down to the bed and kisses down her neck and Jo tries to make quick work of his belt. Her usually deft fingers fumble with the belt buckle and she huffs in annoyance, looking up at Peter. “Help.”

Peter notices the glassiness in her eyes and her slow words, “Baby-”

“Love it when you call me that,” Jo interrupts, pressing a kiss to the side of his mouth.

“You’re drunk.” He says around her mouth.

“Want you.” She tells him, still kissing his face.

“Jo!” Peter puts both hands on her shoulders, “I’m not doing anything with you that you won’t remember.” He presses a kiss to her temple. “Let’s go to sleep, it’s almost four in the morning. I think you had one too many tequila shots.”

“I only had one!” Jo retorts.

“Exactly.”

“Fine,” She huffs, stumbling a little when she stands. With a smile, Peter rolls his eyes and stands to follow her. She walks around for a moment before turning to look at him, “Can’t find my bag.”

“We’re in my room. Your bag is in your room.” Peter explains, wrapping an arm around her waist from behind. She leans her head back against his chest with a pout.

“Can we go to my room and get it?” She asks.

“I mean we could,” Peter smiles at her, “But I think Bucky and Natasha would be a little annoyed if we interrupted them.”

“Bucky and Nat?!” Jo exclaims. Peter nods. “At least Nat’s boyfriend wants to fool around with her.”

Peter rolls his eyes at her, deliberately ignoring the word boyfriend. “Nat can hold her liquor.” He retorts. But then he pulls her close, “And just so you know, I always want you.”

Peter slowly helps Jo undress, dress pooling at the floor around her feet, leaving her in front of him in nothing but a tiny pair of black panties. He scrubs his hand over his face, wanting to throw his Not-Sleeping-With-Wasted-Girls policy out the window. But he shakes his head and quickly unbuttons his shirt and helps Jo into it.

Peter tucks some hair behind her ear and looks down at her. Even drunk and messy and stumbling she’s still perfect. He pulls her close, just needing to touch her.

“Dance with me?” She asks Peter, eyes wide.

Peter almost melts at the sound of her voice, “There’s no music.” And then Jo is out of his grasp and her phone is playing Sinatra and she’s grabbing his hands again.

They’re quiet for a few moments, swaying off-beat to the music. Eventually Jo speaks, “None of the other guys ever wanted to dance with me.” She says so softly that Peter almost missed it. Not sure what she’s trying to say, he waits for Jo to go on. “They wanted my body, most of the time. Or they liked how many followers I have on Instagram. They didn’t know that I like to dance to Sinatra when I’m drunk.” Her voice shakes.

“I would do anything you asked me.” Peter tells her truthfully. “I could do this forever.”

“You’ll like me even when I’m making you dance with me at four in the morning?” She asks, not able to look him in the eye. The implication behind her words is obvious to him. “What happens when I’m not shiny and new anymore?”

Peter suddenly feels so angry at whoever made her believe that she was only worth wanting for the fame, the celebrity. Or just to say they’ve slept with Joanna Taylor. He has to make an effort to keep his hands from shaking. He’s pretty sure that in this moment he could kill anyone who made her feel less.

“Joanna,” Peter breathes, “I’ll always like you. I’ll always want you. Okay?”

Jo is quiet for a moment, searching his eyes, trying to decide if she’ll believe him. She nods.

“Use your words, baby.” Peter looks down at her. “I need to know you understand I’m not going to hurt you.”

Reaching up to touch his face, Jo nods again, “I know.” She whispers.

For Peter, it’s enough. He presses a soft kiss to her mouth before he says, “Let’s go to bed.”

They crawl into bed, Jo’s body curling into Peters, her back to his chest. He wraps an arm around her middle and pulls her as close as he can, fingers splayed over her abdomen, one of his legs between hers. He buries his face in the space between her shoulder and neck, breathing her in deeply.

Peter thinks Jo’s asleep already, until he hears her voice, “Hey Peter?”

“Hmm?”

“Just so you know, I’ll always want you too.” She says, so low, that if it wasn’t for his enhanced hearing he wouldn’t even have heard.

“Okay,” He whispers back, breath tickling Jo’s ear. He doesn’t tell her how badly he needed to hear her say that, just pulls her closer and lets the sound of her steady breathing lull him to sleep.

_______________________________________________________

Jo’s hands are shaking. Peter watches her clench them into fists to quell the tremors and almost gives in and pulls her to him and tells her everything is fine. Almost.

But, he’s fucking livid at her right now, so he doesn’t.

It had been nearly two months since Maria’s wedding. Something shifted between the two of them that night, they stopped dancing around their feelings and realized that their relationship was something serious. As serious as a couple of teenagers could be.

They even told Tony, who was shockingly cool about the whole thing, but still liked to give Peter a hard time about. In the nearly 6 months it’s been since they met, Peter had fallen absolutely head over heels for Jo, and she wasn’t far behind him.

But this was their first fight. Like actual Screaming-Across-The-Apartment fight. They had bickered before, but nothing like this.

It started when Jo opened the freezer for some ice and a large candle fell from the top, clipping her on the shoulder before shattering at her feet. She had just gotten back from a whirlwind week in Los Angeles a few days ago, and Peter had been so busy with work they’d barely gotten to talk.

“Oh shit, baby, are you okay?” Peter asked from his place on the couch.

“Did you put this there?” She hisses at him.

“Yeah, I-” Peter starts, but Jo cuts him off.

“Did you ever maybe think that maybe that would be a stupid place to put it?” She snaps, voice raised.

“I was cleaning up the mess you left out here last night. I forgot I put it there. What the fuck’s your problem today?” He asks, walking towards the kitchen

“Well I didn’t fucking ask you to do that.”

“I was just trying to help, jesus. You don’t have to be such a bitch about it.” Peter retorts.

“Whatever.” Jo snorts, trying to brush past him to her bedroom, but Peter steps in front of her.

“No.” He crosses his arms in front of her, “You’ve been acting like this since you got back from LA. What’s up?”

“Maybe I’m just a bitch.” She sneers at him.

Peter scrubs a hand over his face, trying not to raise his voice, knowing how easily it could escalate, “Jo…” He warns.

“What?!” She explodes, “You’ve barely fucking looked at me since I got back! You didn’t answer any of my texts or calls while I was gone, and now you’re gonna act all pissy because of this? Get out of my way.” She shoves past him, shoulder hitting his.

“Sorry I’m busy!” He yells after her, grabbing her arm, “Don’t fucking walk away, it’s immature. Not what you do when you’re in a fight.”

“Don’t patronize me.” She spits, “And you didn’t seem busy when you were out in the Village this weekend.”

“You’re kidding. This is what you’re mad about? I really don’t have the time for this.” Now it’s Peter’s turn to walk away.

“No. I’m not kidding. It felt pretty shitty when I tried to get ahold of you all day Saturday and heard nothing and then I woke up the next day and you’re on my fucking Instagram discover page and you’re at some club with pretty girls hanging all over you. That sucked.” Now Jo’s yelling and her hands are shaking and she feels like she’s about to cry.

“Jo, that’s ridiculous. Some friends dragged me out. Sorry I didn’t know you needed to be made aware of my every move.” He says condescendingly, “I’ll send you my schedule.”

“Fuck you.” Jo turns on her heel away from him.

“Jo-” He says, exasperated.

“No!” Jo yells, whipping around to look at him. “Don’t tell me my feelings are ridiculous. Even if you didn’t mean to, what you did hurt me and you don’t give a fuck.” Tears spill down her cheeks. “I can’t do this right now. I’m leaving.” She says through her teeth.

At that moment the elevator door pings and Steve Rogers comes striding out, shit-eating grin on his face, “Hey, guys, so Bucky and I have this bet-” He’s cut off by Jo all but barreling through him to the elevator.

“Joanna!” Peter calls after her.

“Don’t fucking follow me!” She yells back, jamming her finger into the button that will take her to the residence exit on 45th Street.

Steve looks at Peter, eyes wide, “You gonna go after her?”

Peter snorts, trying very hard not to direct his anger at Steve, “Not sure that’s the best idea.”

“Look- I’m not sure what that was about, but take some advice from an old man. She wants you to follow her.” Steve tells him.

Peter blows some air out through his nose, “Not now, Steve, please.”

“Alright kid, let me know-” The shrill ringing of Steve’s own phone cuts him off. He accepts the call and presses the device to his ear, “Rogers.”

Peter knits his brows when a look of concern crosses Steve’s face, “I’m with Parker, we’ll be right there.”

“What is it?” Peter asks.

“Situation in one of the labs. We gotta go.” With that, Peter pushes all thoughts of Jo and their fight out of his mind and follows Steve out of her apartment.

¬¬¬________________________________________________________________________

Across town, Jo sits in Jungle City by herself, still stewing in anger. She knew it couldn’t possibly be healthy for her to be dwelling on their fight like this, but Peter was a dick this morning and she was already in a bad mood, so why not?

She’s busy feeling bad for herself when the door to the studio she’s in flies open and slams against the wall.

Jo sits up, eyes wide, “What the fuck?!”

Sam Wilson looks down at her, “We have a problem.” He tells her. “Get your stuff, let’s go.”

Jo’s heart drops to her stomach, “What is it?” She asks.

“Why haven’t you answered your phone?” Sam demands, already walking out the door.

Jo runs to catch up with him, “What? I turned it off, me and Peter got in a fight… Sam, what’s going on?”

Sam doesn’t say anything, just strides quickly out the front door of the studio. When they’re both in the large black SUV, Sam shifts to drive and peels away from the sidewalk. “Sam,” She sounds so small, “What is it, is it Tony…”

“Turn on your phone, Jo. We’ll tell you more when we get back to the tower.”

She turns on her phone and is immediately greeted by about 50 missed calls from Tony, Steve, and Nat. She also has a myriad of texts from them asking where she is and that she needs to get to the tower. “Sam…” Jo trails off.

“There’s a hostage situation in one of the labs.” Sam doesn’t take his eyes off the road as he swerves through the traffic, “An old employee with a grudge brought a gun.”

“Is everyone okay?” Panic creeps through Jo’s body.

“Jo, we had to send Peter in. He’s the only one that could get in through the vents undetected.” They pull up to the garage. “He’s okay right now. But he was shot in the shoulder. He’s still trying to talk this guy down.”

“He’s okay?! He’s not okay, he was shot!” Joanna is frantic. All she can think about is the last thing she said to him. Fuck you… don’t follow me. Her vision is blurry and she feels nauseous, but she follows Sam to the elevator that will take them

“Hey, hey, hey, try to calm down okay? We’re going to handle this.” Sam puts an arm around the girl and leads her to Tony’s office, which has become a makeshift war room.

“Tony!” She pulls away from Sam as soon as she sees him, “What’s going on?” All the TV’s and other devices are streaming a live feed from the security cameras of the lab that’s on lockdown. “Why aren’t you going in to help him?!” She demands.

“Jo, this is a delicate situation. There’s civilians down there.” Natasha approaches Jo like she’s a wounded animal. “Peter’s gonna be fine.” But she looks worried herself.

Jo focuses on one of the screens in front of her. She sees a man standing directly in the middle of the lab flailing a large gun around. Directly in front of him is Peter, in his Spider-Man suit, hands up in a non-threatening manner. There’s a group of about 10 people who Jo assumes are lab employees.

“Why?” Is all Jo can ask.

“We don’t- we’re not sure. Eric Sittman. He’s unstable. Used to be a S.H.I.E.L.D agent, desk jockey, but based on his file it looks like he wanted to be a field agent. Failed the evaluation three times.” Tony doesn’t look away from the screen.

Jo isn’t 100% sure about what he’s saying, but she gets the jist. “Oh my god.” She whispers. “What’s he saying? Can I hear?”

“We just have him on comms. He’s trying to diffuse the situation, make Eric trust him. We’re giving him a few more minutes before we escalate.” Steve tells Jo, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“But if you do that, he’ll kill those people.” Jo says dumbly.

“We’re starting to think he might do it anyway.” Tony sighs.

On the screen, Peter pulls off his mask, revealing his face to the man. His hands are still up, and he’s speaking frantically. She can tell he’s trying his best to remain calm, to distract Eric from the hostages.

“We just lost comms.” Tony groans, frusturated, shoving some papers off his desk. Jo flinches when they hit the ground. “We have to go in there.”

“Give him a minute, he can handle it.” Steve looks at Tony.

“He’s 19!” Tony yells.

“He’s an Avenger!” Steve yells back. “He can handle it.”

Jo, feeling nauseous, sits in the closest chair she can find, pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes for a moment before she looks back to the screens. Peter looks pale and his hair is damp with sweat. There’s a growing red stain on his right shoulder from the bullet wound.

“Look.” Steve gestures.

Although they can’t hear, it’s easy to see the demeanor of the gunman change slowly. The gun remains in his hands, but drops to his side. His shoulders sag and his head drops. Peter holds his right arm gingerly at his side, and takes a step toward Eric, left arm extended. She’s sure Peter’s asking Eric to hand him the gun.

Jo lets out a breath. She finally feels like it might almost be over. She’s not sure if she’s been sitting in the room for 15 minutes or 15 years. Everyone in Tony’s office holds their breath as Peter slowly walks towards the gunman.

Then, suddenly, with no warning at all, Eric is tense, waving the gun around with his right hand. Peter jumps back instinctually, and she sees the desperate look on his face. She’s able to read his lips, please he’s begging Eric. Don’t. Eric is yelling, looking more and more strung up, backing into a corner like a caged animal.

Then, so quickly that if she’d blinked she would have missed it, she watched Eric lift the gun to his own temple and pull the trigger.

Tags: @liamakorn @supertight-tightywhites @winter-andallthathebrings @yourwonderbelle @bookxobcessedxintrovert @ironicskies @wearegoldeninthenight

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker smut #peter parker imagine #peter #tom holland #tom holland smut #tom holland x reader #dad!tony #dad!tony x reader #tony stark x reader #tony stark imagine #tony stark #spiderman imagine #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes imagine

115 notes · View notes

tobehonestifeelcompletelyalone · 6 years ago

Text

Angel vs pain pt 1

notes: this was supposed to be one part thing but nooooo… now im going to possibly write sequal to Trading with the death

warnings: death, suicide, drugs, cursing, 2 supernatural references, tell whow many i missedd

words: 2650

summary: Roman is an guardian Angel to signed to man named Virgil who had lived over 8 years in Romero’s mental institution, because he had tried to take his life more times then anyone else. Roman has to make sure Virgil doesnt kill himself and his task becomes lot harder when Roman realizes after a day he has developed feelings for Virgil.

pairings: prinxiety

idea: i was llistening this song https://youtu.be/DocprDR7rRU

Roman Blackburn was woken up by beeping noise. He opened his eyes. His room was filled with red light. He got up fast and pulled first clothes that he could find on. He ran from his room to the hallway. He stretched his arms, legs and wings. He slowly opened his golden wings. His wings were big and golden like every guardian angels. He jumped to the air, but he didn’t come down. He flew straight to the headquarters. The prime guardian angel Jade was already waiting for him.

“Blackburn, good thing you were able to come here so fast. Unfortunately Ferrell has past and you are our only available guardian angel. Her human is in big trouble. He needs someone guarding him all the time. He is badly depressed and he has tried to kill himself already 105 times. I know that’s a lot. Get ready and leave as fast as possible.” Jade said. She looked sad. Roman knew that she and Ferrell had been training together.

“Jade, what happened to Ferrell?” Roman asked. He noticed that Jade wiped tear from her cheek.

“You know that she had been sick for along time. Her sickness finally won.” Jade sighed and Roman walked away. Jade’s secretary gave Roman his new human’s file. I started to read it as he walked back to his room.

Virgil Sanders was sleeping in room that wasn’t his. Room was made only from soft surfaces. Walls were covered, door, table and chair, all made from soft thing. Virgil was sleeping on the floor. On his neck he had long and wide bruise that was already turning into scar. It wasn’t only scar that Virgil had. His hands were full of scars, his neck had already 5 scars and his stomach had big scar. If there was award for those who have tried killing themselves lot of times Virgil would win it. He had tried to kill himself over 100 times. He was locked in Romero’s mental institution, Romero’s insane asylum like Virgil said. Doctors had told him that he might never get out if he wouldn’t take pills they offered him.

It was 8 am and warden Dixon entered room where Virgil was sleeping.

“Sanders, time to get up. Do you want you pills? Are you ready to go back to your room or do you want to stay here?” Dixon said. He looked at Virgil and Virgil noticed that Dixon was pitying him. He got up.

“I’m not going to take my pills. But I’d like to get back to my room” Virgil said. Dixon smiled little bit. They walked together back to Virgil’s own room. After Virgil was send to Romero for 6th and last time Virgil was given the best room from the hospital. He had beautiful view and when sun was setting Virgil always sat down the floor and watched it. Once a week Virgil was send to the safe room. People came and left but Virgil stayed.

Dixon left Virgil to his room. Before closing the door he turned and looked at Virgil for the last time.

“You know Virgil, you have been here longer than I have. I have worked here 5 years and you have been here for 8. I escort you to the safe room every week and offer you pills every day. I see you more then I see my family. Virgil try to get better” Virgil heard pity from Dixon’s voice. Virgil sat down and looked around. Dixon was right. He had been there over 8 years. I didn’t take his medication but he tried. He truly did.

Someone knocked on the door.

“Come in!” Virgil yelled. It wouldn’t mattered if he didn’t answer because they would come in either way. Warden Hart came in with some guy. Virgil noticed that this guy was were good looking. He had beautiful brown hair and the most heart stopping eyes. His eyes were green like grass in the summer. Virgil realized he had stared little bit too long so he turned his eyes back to the window.

“Sanders, this is Roman Blackburn. He is your new roommate.” Hart said. Virgil turned toward her.

“Wait what. What happened to Linda?” Virgil sounded worried, what surprised Roman because he had read file about Virgil. Linda was Virgil’s last guardian angel.

“Well she went passed on her sickness” Hart sounded sad. Virgil didn’t smile. He just said ‘oh’ and Hart left. Roman was standing awkwardly in the middle of room. He had sport bag full of his stuff in his hand. Virgil didn’t say anything a while.

“That closet is yours. So is that bed and pillow and blanket. That chair and table is for both if us. I don’t use it a lot. So you can put your stuff on it too. I only write letters on it.” Virgil said quietly. He laid down to his bed. He looked up to the roof. Roman opened his bag and started to put his stuff to their place. He took golden cross frim his bag and placed it under his pillow. Once in a while he glanced at Virgil.

“So… have you been here for a long time?” He tried, but Virgil didn’t answer. Roman acted like Virgil said something.

“I think you have been here for a long time” He said. He did know that Virgil had been there for over 8 years. He was hospital’s longest patient to not to leave. Roman had to act like he knew nothing from Virgil.

“Is it time for breakfast? I’m kinda hungry” Roman knew that Virgil had passion for food. Virgil got up and without saying a word he led Roman to the cafeteria. Roman didn’t actually have to eat but he knew that Virgil did so he ate too. They sat down together, but Virgil still didn’t say anything. Roman asked lot of questions.

“Sanders! Still here I see. How did you try this time?” Young man with sunglasses walked to Virgil and Roman. He didn’t notice Roman at all. He sat on table and smiled to Virgil. Man noticed bruise on Virgil’s neck.

“Oh, hanging again. Well I think it was time to try that again. I know that wardens make sure you don’t have rope so where did you try to hand yourself?” Man said and Roman thought he was really rude. Virgil surprised him again. Virgil turned towards man.

“Remy, yes I tried hanging myself. To your other question: on tape. Now go and take your meds you are being annoying. No wait, you can’t. so Remy fuck off” Virgil said. Man nodded and ran off.

“Who was that?” Roman asked and Virgil answered him.

“Remy. He is here because of drugs. You?”

“I’m here because of… self-harm” Self-harm that was first thing that came to his mind. He didn’t believe that Virgil would ask that. Virgil lift his other eyebrow, he didn’t believe Roman. Roman realized he had looked for marks to know why he was in here.

“How about you?” Roman tried to change the subject to Virgil.

“If it wasn’t clear, suicidal thoughts and depression and of course my many suicide attempts.” Virgil sounded bored. Soon they got up and walked back to their room. Roman took couple of minutes and suspected this young man who he knew so much about. He knew that when Virgil was out he wore black eyeshadow to look more edgy, now bags under his eyes did that, he wore skinny jeans what were ripped and hoodie that he had made himself. In here he wore still skinny jeans but unbroken ones and basic black hoodie that dint have any stings to it. Virgil wasn’t allowed to wear sneakers that had laces so he wore his Converse sneakers without laces. Roman himself wore basic red t-shirt and white jeans.

They finally came back to their room. Virgil had been quiet all the way back. Roman knew what he was thinking about.

“was she your friend?” Roman asked. Virgil nodded and wiped tear from his eyes.

“She was here almost as long as I was. I have been here for over 8 years she was here for 6,5 years. She was my only friend.” Roman heard sorrow from Virgil’s voice. He didn’t realize why Virgil was so sad. He knew that Linda Ferrell was now in better place.

“Isn’t she in better place now?” Roman asked. He knew that because Linda had been guardian angel she was in the best place possible.

“yea, but she died because of me. I tried killing myself and she found me, again, and as she was saving my life her sickness won. I thought she’s be okay like always but apparently not this time.” Virgil said and he sat on his bed. Roman knew that many guardian angels died saving their humans but he was still shocked. His last human had died, he wasn’t able to save him from old age. Once again they sat quietly. Virgil thought about Linda and maybe he should kill himself today for her. He also thought about his new fellow. Roman had taken Rubik’s cube out from his bag. Virgil took picture from under his pillow. He showed it to Roman.

“You two look happy” Roman said sincerely. In the picture Virgil and Linda were both looking very happy. Virgil was giving Linda little kiss on the cheek. Linda’s eyes were closed and they were apparently sitting on couch that was still in common room. Roman gave Virgil the picture back. Virgil smiled and hided it back under his pillow.

“Why do you hide it?” Roman asked. He had spotted that there were no pictures anywhere.

“We aren’t allowed have pictures. Not even about our families. Wardens say that pictures are reminders and those might convince us to lie about our health. Even I’m not allowed to have one, but old warden Clayton took this picture and gave it to me when he retired. He was here when I first came in and he retired last year” Roman noticed that people did like Virgil a lot. People who suffer do have love surrounding them, sometimes they just don’t see it. Roman started to solve his Rubik’s cube again.

There was a knock on the door. Virgil had closed his eyes, but still he yelled ‘come in’. Warden Dixon came in. He had his clip board in his hands.

“Sanders time for your music therapy. You can join him Blackburn because you haven’t been listed to any therapies yet” Dixon said. Roman noticed that Dixon was really fat man with bolding spot on his head.

Virgil and Roman followed Dixon to the music room. Roman wasn’t expecting to see room full of instruments and big stereos. Virgil gave thin man a nod. Man was like a opposite of warden Dixon. Where Dixon was fat and bolding this man thin and had hair like Rapunzel. Dixon left and thin man smiled to Roman. They shook hands.

“I’m doctor Emile Picani. I come here 3 times a week and have music therapy. We play and listen to music. You are?” Man had really high voice.

“I’m Roman Blackburn. I’m here because I haven’t signed to any therapies and Virgil there is my new roommate.”

“I can hear from your excitement that this is your first time in Romero.” Man smiled and turned around to face other people. He greeted other people and changes couple of words with some.

“Virgil, I heard you tried again. I thought things were going better” Virgil just shrugged his shoulders.

“Remy, you should really stop trying take get pills from the nurses. They know you don’t need any.” Man with sunglasses laughed like dr. Emile Picani had make a joke.

“Lori here again. I thought you got out.” Women started telling long story how she did get out but was send back in because he tried to jump from building. 10 minutes later they finally got to start.

“Today were going to sing some songs. Roman this is your first time so would you like sing a song?” Dr. Picani asked and Roman was eager to sing. He walked to Dr. Picani who showed him list where he’d have to choose a song. Roman pointed a song and dr. Picani looked surprised.

“Okay then. This song is from FireHouse and it’s called Here for you.” Picani pushed play button and song started to play. He gave Roman a microphone. Roman started singing from his heart.

“Everybody needs somebody to help them out and you know I could be that someone” Roman’s singing voice was amazing. He pointed at Virgil and he gave him a little smile. He used his leg like a air guitar like Jensen Ackles.

“I am here for you, always here for you when you're needin' someone to hold you remember I told you I am here for you, I am here for you” Roman finished the song. Virgil had hidden his little smiled behind his sleeve. Everyone else were clapping.

“Thank you Roman. I hope you’ll sign in here, because wow. Well who is next?”

Therapy ended. Virgil and Roman were walking together. Virgil hadn’t sing but Roman had sang 2 other songs. Remy ran and jumped on Virgil. They fell down and Roman stared at them in shock. Virgil was bottom and wasn’t strong enough to push Remy from top of him. Remy took comfortable position. He was lying on Virgil’s back.

“So Roman, what is your deal? Is there someone waiting for you outside?” Remy asked and winked to Roman after he took his sunglasses off. Roman had been looking at Virgil who looked handsome even he was lying on floor under some one, but now he had to look at Remy.

“There is no one waiting for me. But I think I have my eyes already on someone” Roman said and smiled. Remy sighed and turned so his back was on Virgil’s back. Remy was totally a drama queen.

“Is it Virgil? I know it is. He is really handsome, isn’t he. He just won’t go out with me. He doesn’t date anyone, ever. Guess why? Because…” Remy was cut off by Virgil who pulled all of strength together and pushed Remy off him.

“That’s enough” he said and walked away. Remy was baffled on the floor. Roman followed Virgil.

“You’ll go out with me eventually!” Remy yelled behind them but he didn’t sound so sure.

Virgil sat on the floor of their room when Roman entered it. Roman sat on his bed.

“Soooo…. why don’t you date anyone?” Roman wanted really know. He knew that he was an angel but maybe if Virgil had a boyfriend he’s stop trying to kill himself. Virgil thought couple of minutes.

“Because I wanna die. Why on earth I would wanna date someone and break up with them by dying? That is just rude.” Virgil sounded like he knew how it felt. Roman hadn’t seen this in his file.

“You sound like you know how that fells” Roman said. He was able to fell pain that Virgil had felt when he said the next thing.

“My ex, Derek, was narcissistic bastard, who broke up with me by killing himself. And he did that only because he wanted me to suffer. And before you even ask, I know that because he told me.”

After than conversation Roman and Virgil didn’t talk anything until it was time to sleep. Roman had went to dinner but Virgil had been far asleep.

“Good night Roman.” Virgil said. Soon he fell asleep again. Roman was examining Virgil. He looked so peace full and beautiful. Roman putted his head on his pillow and closed his eyes.

30 seconds later Roman sat up fast and gashed in horror. His eyes were wide in shock.

“I have fallen for that human.”

#prinxiety #prinxiety fanfiction #prinxiety fanfic #roman sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #fanders #thomas sanders #sanders sides #deceit sanders #remy sanders #logicality fanfic #fanfic #logicality #logan sanders #logicality fanfiction

61 notes · View notes

royalmokwamonster · 3 years ago

Text

12/5/2022

ok, I wan tot rant but first

my first year of university I have an average of 4.0 gpa which ranges in the 80s-100s LOL well that's surprising lowkey hahahah -- to be fair the average in my first semester was 3.75 and then for my second semester was 4.3

I scored a higher grade in crim than in psych LOLLLLL but to be honest, I was reading over my exam question and shit I can tell I put my whole BDUSSY on that essay question

but to be fair, I may be satisfied with my average for second semester results but I indeed in fact struggled since I didn't really have a great social group around me -- a lot of nights snapping Ash about stupid Kpop stuff I be learning on the side for fun

so what's up? why the long and regretful face? why so sad when your grades be pretty good.....

why are you having Lots of identity crisis?

yk why do I keep feeling my life is soon to end? not in a suicidal way but more when im done my studies my life has to be finite hoping my degree brings me to my finish line.?

I recently realized I don't really like talking with R with my personal lost-pathway nor Kpop,,, that sucks, cut her off too??idk ill put that under consideration - like yeah I can talk to her with a bunch of stuff BUT I do like my friends when I feel listened to, and I feel that's really such an important factor that I really put an emphasis on since second semester at home really didn’t carry that credential when I wish it did.

.... ok so what is on ur mind recently for you to be here ranting? cmon just say it.

first, I be lowkey missing my talks w T, lowkey I don't at the same time since,,,, like since when did she never came to me to talk about her stuff thus I just felt as-useless to be in her life... anyway I miss spilling my mind to her about my fresh thoughts and feeling not regretting anything later - yk, I did though felt listened to. anyways

second, why is there 0000.0001% of me lowkey wishing everyday somewhere in my day- wishing my parents didn't meat. is that horrible to say? I feel horrible even to putting time into thinking what their lives would be and their grind would be if they just never had kids and individually lives independently. I would lowkey hate myself to even go into depth about my thought and dot it down so, yeah, I be really be thinking about it every day wondering.

do I really hate myself that much? hate my life?

okay to be fair, we are all suffering. bruh who in this world is not not suffering? yeah ok fair. but listen. is it weird to be even saying I felt my life felt like it was written somehow while I was only ish-9 years old and for kuya 17? but then moving here not only me, kuya and mother everything just went pitch Black for our journey in life.

no but shit I really don't mean to be blunt and rude on this, but frlll, we is all pathetic in this situation - I just don't want to live anymore LOL- now I guess im suicidal now :P

should I book another session now? o gosh....

I don't know. my room is a fucking mess. if not everyday, every so often I have identity crisis on what I like, what I can do with my life.

is it really this city? how satisfied will I ever be?

do you think if ‘he’ were to be absent in your life, do you think your life would be simpler?

see, I don't really know how to answer that question - just like do I ever think about my parents should be divorced would be better than just them being there and living in the same household after all...... like I said, I don't really know what would be better off that would have significantly been better for my upbringing.

0 notes

leaves-of-three · 7 years ago

Note

How do you write Connor so well? Could you share some writing tips?

That’s really sweet of you to say. Honestly, it’s just me trying to pick up on every little thing we actually know about Connor and filling in my own interpretations of what they mean. We really don’t know that much about Connor. He’s only in the beginning of the play then throughout you get little snippets of his life from other characters…but it’s not that much to go off of. Even then, it’s how they saw him which can we a warped version of what he actually was. When I’m writing him, I try not to focus on Evan’s Connor because he’s only a projection of Evan’s own self. It’s important to remember that he’s not Connor. He’s Evan. That’s Evan’s mind talking to him using Connor’s face but it’s not Connor himself. He’s not a ghost coming back to talk to this random kid he’s interacted with once or twice. He’s 100% Evan’s mind projecting.

So then you have to focus on what you actually know about him. I’m gonna dissect it because I literally love analyzing characters it’s my favorite thing in the entire world. You didn’t ask for this but I’m doing it anyway yolo (im sorry).

The first time we meet Connor is at the breakfast scene. What do we know about that scene?:

Connor doesn’t want to go to school.

It is the very first day of his senior year. Not many people skip the very first day of school. It’s supposed to be a fairly easy, chill, exciting day to most people. Getting to know your teachers, seeing friends, catching up with people, not much work etc. I’m going off of my own school experience to analyze this bit: Skipping/Not wanting to go/Having anxiety over going doesn’t mean you’re lazy and don’t like work. It generally means that you feel uncomfortable, anxious, lonely, scared about having to navigate the world of school and your peers. Connor doesn’t have friends. Going to school, sitting in class, doing group projects, eating lunch, doing anything in school alone and without friends is fucking hard. It’s awful. It’s not a surprise he doesn’t want to go.

Connor is high.

Judging from typical school days, it’s probably somewhere between 6 - 7 in the morning. That’s early. That’s someone who wakes up and immediate gets high. AND it’s the first day of school. That’s someone who needs something to help them cope just to get through the day. He needs something to help him take the edge off of life because doing it without anything is a daunting thought.

Cynthia also says “I don’t want you going to school high Connor. We’ve talked about this.” Which implies that this a fairly regular thing for him.

Connor reacts negatively when Zoe speaks but ignores Larry.

Okay so I love this bit because my psychology loving self adores this kind of shit. It’s amazing and beautifully done and asdlhfal;ksd

After Cynthia tries to get Larry involved with making sure Connor goes to school. Larry says, “What do you want me to do? He doesn’t listen. Look at him. He’s probably high.” Connor stays quiet. Then Zoe confirms Larry’s statement and says, “He’s definitely high.” And Connor responds with a “Fuck you!”

Every time Larry speaks Connor stays quiet. His body language in the scene involves Connor resting his arm on the side of his head and, by doing so, is putting some sort of physical barrier between his facial expressions and his dad sitting next to him.

If I recall correctly, I don’t think Connor ever once actually speaks to his dad??? Larry talks at him but Connor never responds. No words are ever spoken from him to Larry. (I think, I could be wrong)

SO the point here is that Connor doesn’t say shit when Larry is nagging at him but the second Zoe opens her mouth to do the same he immediately responds with a big “fuck you” and puts his head down on the table.

The way I analyze that scene is that the fuck you was really meant for Larry, that he was pissed off at his father, but he took it out on Zoe. He redirected his anger onto his sister because it’s a lot easier to take advantage of a younger sibling then the head of your household.

Judging from how Zoe speaks about him later in the play, he probably redirected a lot of his anger onto her and it really messed her up.

Him not speaking up to Larry could also mean that Connor is potentially afraid of him?

The second time we see Connor is at school with Jared and Evan:

Connor cares what people think about him and he’s bullied.

Jared says, “Hey Connor. Loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic.” Connor responds by staring at him with this perplexed look of wtf dude seriously. He was just nagged at home, forced to go to school when he’s clearly uncomfortable about doing that, and then he gets there only to be antagonized by Jared who pretty much refers to him as someone who slaughters innocent people.

His ‘wtf dude’ look is totally justified in my opinion.

Jared then says that he was just kidding and that it was a joke. To which Connor replies with “Yeah no it was funny. I’m laughing can’t you tell.” His tone starts out light and sarcastic. When Jared doesn’t respond, he steps closer to him and voice raises. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” He’s clearly offended by what Jared said.

Jared calls him a freak and walks away.

He gets bullied by Jared so he turns around and becomes the bully to Evan.

Like he did with Zoe, Connor redirects his pain onto people he know won’t fight back or who he views as weaker than him.

Evan nervous laughs when he’s left alone with Connor. Connor can probably see that Evan is scared of him and uses that to his advantage. He says the whole, “What the fuck are you laughing at? Stop fucking laughing at me?”” Stop laughing at me. Not laughing at what Jared said. But specifically laughing at Connor himself. Connor doesn’t want people laughing at him because he cares what they think about him. “You think I’m the freak? I’m not the freak. You’re the fucking freak.” He yells at Evan and pushes him to the ground.

People have all obviously analyzed all these scenes before. I’m not close to the first one to say it, but obviously, these are words he wishes he could say to Jared and Evan is the surrogate for his rage.

And finally we have the very last scene that Connor is in which is the computer lab scene:

Connor is apologetic after he loses his temper.

He sees Evan, who has clearly been crying. I think it’s unknown how long Connor was actually in the room with him/if he overheard the phone call with Evan’s mom. I’m assuming that Evan wasn’t actually speaking out loud when he was writing his letter, that it was more for the audience to know what he was writing. So if Connor had been in the room and listening, he could have heard Evan’s side of the phone call and seen him quietly crying on his laptop while writing something then print it out. Since he was near the printer, he took the paper to give to him. He didn’t have to do that. He wanted to.

I think he wanted an excuse to talk to Evan again after he pushed him. He probably felt bad. I feel like he views Evan as someone who’s harmless and unintimidating, which is why it was easy for him to channel his anger onto, but then he started to regret that choice, so he tried to reach out.

He never actually apologizes with words and instead tries to do it through actions. I bet you that Larry does the exact same thing too but Connor probably never realized or picked up on it. (I could do a full character study on Larry too omg he’s a great specimen to take apart and a fantastically flawed character like everyone else in the show its beautiful fuck)

He’s got a dark sense of humor.

When finding out Evan broke his arm from falling out of a tree, he replies with a “That’s the saddest fucking thing I ever heard.” But he doesn’t say it in a mean way. He smiles and laughs under his breath.

HE WAS TELLING A JOKE. He was trying his best to be nice to Evan and lightly joke around with him but I doubt they have similar styles of humor. I think it’s the only time Connor actually genuinely smiles too??

And Evan doesn’t really laugh. It’s more of a nervous “plz don’t hurt me again ur a lil scary” kinda laugh. So Connor backs off and changes the subject.

He’s observant.

He notices that no one signed Evan’s cast.

He noticed that Evan has no friends hence the “now we can both pretend we have friends” line.

He noticed Evan’s sad and alone so he’s making an effort to be nice to him.

He noticed that he printed a piece of paper and that it would be a good ice breaker.

He’s quiet and he notices things. It’s subtle but it’s there. I bet you Connor secretly knows everything about everyone.

The boy just wants a damn friend.

He’s lonely. Evan’s clearly lonely. Why not try to befriend him?

He’s signs his cast super big so it takes up the whole arm. For one, it gets a laugh out of the audience. But two, he kinda knows that no one else will sign it so he makes his name extra big so everyone will see and know that both of them aren’t alone/friendless.

This is also interesting to me because I wonder if Connor knew he was going to kill himself then. Often times suicide is something people plan out ahead of time. I wonder if he knew what he was going to do and I wonder if writing that on Evan’s arm was a secret way for him to leave something semi permanent behind. A way to be sure that someone would remember him when he’s gone. If that’s the case then that was some powerful shit to slip in and it hurts my soul.

He’s angry and paranoid and suicidal.

So obviously Connor reads Evan note to himself, thinks it’s about him, freaks out and leaves. That’s the last time we see Connor.

I’ve looked at this scene in a few different ways. The first way I see it is that Connor could of had symptoms of paranoia. He sees his sister’s name and his first thought is that Evan did this in a malicious manor. He views people as out to get him. It doesn’t take much to set him off. He’s got a lot of anger inside of him that he doesn’t know how to release in a healthy way so it ends up with him blowing up over the slightest little bumps in the road.

The second way I view it is a little different. If I’m thinking about my point before (about him already having plans to kill himself) then I wonder if he was just using the paper as an excuse to get angry and leave. He had already made his mark using Evan’s cast. His name was there. He technically didn’t need Evan anymore. Thus he “freaks out” over this paper and it helps fuel his desires to end his own life. As someone who has been suicidal in the past, I understand wanting to find every excuse you can to help end things, to justify what you’re doing, and to push people away. It’s a super fucked up way of thinking but, when you put yourself into that mindset, I don’t think it’s that crazy of an idea.

“Is this about my sister? You wrote this because you knew I’d find it.” (Hinting at the paranoia point) “Yeah you, uh, saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab.” (Mentally trying to convince himself to believe that Evan did this on purpose, even though it goes against everything he already knows about Evan) “So I could read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?” (here comes the anger) “Then you could tell everybody that I’m crazy! Right?! Fuck you!” (cue the storm off)

And then we hear from Evan that Connor hasn’t been in school for three days.

And eventually we find out why.

From everything that Connor, himself, has told us he’s deeply hurting. He’s quiet. Observant. He’s got many unchecked mental health issues. He doesn’t feel heard. He’s lonely. He uses coping methods to get by. He has little to no self worth. He carries around a lot of guilt. He acts out on people he know won’t fight him back. Probably because he needs to feel superior because everywhere else in his life he feels stepped on. He is both a bully and bullied. He had little regard for strong authority aka Larry. He craves personal connections but doesn’t know how to obtain them or keep them. He’s broken. So that’s how I try my best to write him.

THEN we have what everyone else tells us about Connor. This should all be taken with a grain of salt because everyone views people differently but their words shouldn’t be totally disregarded either. (Yes I’m going to go on longer even though you never asked for this I’M SORRY I CAN’T STOP NOW) So let’s see what little Connor character traits we can find out from other people that could be potentially used for writing him in the future.

The scene during For Forever tells a lot of about Connor through his family:

Zoe: Connor wasn’t very nice so that makes sense.

Cynthia: Connor was…a complicated person.

Zoe: No. Connor was a bad person. There’s a difference.

In response to finding out Connor pushed Evan. Zoe is shown to have no sympathy for her brother’s actions while Cynthia continues to make excuses for him. I see that as Connor having no mercy on his sister but probably playing his mom to his advantage with what he knew he could get away with.

Cynthia: Did Connor tell you about the Harris’? We used to go skiing together, our families.

Zoe: Connor hated skiing.

Not a sports, activity kinda guy. Doesn’t like things involving social gatherings. Not friendly.

Larry: Somebody had to be the bad guy.

In response to reading Connor’s emails. This one is a little iffy in regards to Connor’s character. It’s more a Larry thing. Because I don’t know if Connor was actually aware that his emails were read or not but either way it shows that he was completely not trusted by his family. Also that pointing out again that Cynthia was probably a push over when it came to Connor and he knew that.

Cynthia: We used to go to the orchard all the time. We;d do picnics there. Remember that Zoe?

Zoe: Yeah I do.

Cynthia: You and Connor had that little toy plane that you would fly. [to Larry, with sad laughter] Until you flew it into the creek.

Larry: No that was an emergency landing.

This is big. Things weren’t always hell in the Murphy house. There were good memories. Sadly though good memories are often overshadowed by the bad ones. Connor seemed to cast a huge shadow over this family. But it is important to note that Connor and Zoe used to play together as children. Things. Aren’t. Always. Awful. Connor wasn’t a reckless beast. He can be written to be playful and funny and sarcastic and sweet. Just balance it out with the angst. People are complicated and have tons of depth so try to write them that way if you can.

Other things said at random points throughout the play…

Jared:

“Connor Murphy is batshit out of his mind. Remember when he threw a printer at Mrs. G in second grade because he didn’t get to be the line leader that day?

Connor has had anger issues since he was a child too.

Alana:

“Still can’t believe the terrible news about @ connormurphy. I wouldn’t say that we were friends exactly. More like acquaintances. We were in chemistry together. I’m pretty sure. Also he was in my English class in 10th grade. Almost positive. Yeah he was definitely in my English class. Three days ago Connor Murphy was here and now hes gone. If Connor meant something to you please retweet or private message me if you just wanna talk. At time like thees we could all use a friend.”

Honestly, this says way more about Alana’s character but it still mentions Connor so I’m adding it.

But what I do get from this was the Connor has/had a twitter (or some form of social media, but I’m assuming twitter since the “retweet” bit) and Alana followed him on it?

“He was one of my closest acquaintances. He was my lab partner in Chemistry and we presented on Huck Fin together in 10th grade. He was so funny. Instead of calling it, well, Huck Fin…[fades off]. Nobody else in our class thought of that.”

Again, speaks more to Alana’s character than Connors. But I also wonder if this is actually true or if she made this up in a similar fashion to Evan in order to put herself in the story…since she didn’t even recall if he was in those classes or not earlier.

BUT assuming that this was true, Connor doesn’t seem to care much for school. Or he could have been trying to make jokes in order to gain friends. If he worked with Alana on projects, her personality would have steam rolled over his. I think she would be the type of person he would sit back and let take control and tell him what to do then just go along with it.

Zoe:

“Just because Connor isn’t here, trying to punch through my door, screaming that he’s going to kill me for no reason, that doesn’t mean that all of a sudden we’re the fucking Brady Bunch.”

I mean…yikes.

“After all you put me through. Don’t say it wasn’t true. That you were not the monster that I knew”

This shit just breaks my damn heart. You are not the monster that I knew is one of my favorite lines in the entire play. In Zoe’s story, Connor is the villain. He hurt her. He abused her. And no one did anything about it to protect her or stop him. I haven’t really had a chance to write too much of Zoe into my writings yet but I know that if/when I do, Connor is not going to be a kind character to her.

Larry:

“We didn’t think Connor had any friends.”

All they found with Connor was Evan’s letter. I wonder how many times he reread it, if at all, before he died. Do you think he calmed down and looked at it again through a different light? This time maybe seeing how depressed and unhappy Evan was too? I wonder if he found comfort in that at all and that’s why it was still in his pocket. Of course that’s purely speculation on my part. He could have just shoved it in there and forgot it was there. That’s the beautiful thing about this play, there’s a lot that the viewer can piece together and take away on their own. Things are never fed to you. They present them simply and let you take what you need from it.

Anyway, yeah, Connor had no friends. That point was already kinda clear though.

“I gave you the world. You threw it away.”

Connor grew up in a well off family. They were rich. He literally could of had anything he wanted but he didn’t. I take that as Connor not giving a shit about material items. He probably has little regard for things. You could write that as him throwing and breaking near by items if he’s mad or simply tossing things around and not caring abobut them. Whereas someone who grew up poor, would be more likely to take care of their things because they know they can’t just get more.

“I didn’t realize Connor meant this much to people.”

In his father’s eyes, Connor didn’t mean very much. He was probably able to pick up on that and it would affect his attitude and behavior to other people. If he felt he didn’t mean much to his own father, then why would he ever be special to anyone else?

“He left it in the bag with the tags still on.”

Larry’s weak attempt at reaching out to his son with a baseball glove. It was probably obvious to everyone that Connor was not a sports person. He probably hated baseball. But Larry likes it so he tried to force his hobbies onto Connor. It was received by Connor not even opening the gift. From Connor’s perspective, he could have taken that as a ‘wow my father knows literally nothing about me wtf’ where as Larry would have viewed that differently but this is not about Larry asd;kfja

“Your dad must feel pretty lucky to have a son like you.”

Another great line in this play! It hurts my soul. Connor is a disappointment to his father. Larry wished Connor could have been something more than he was. Once again, this shit would weigh on Connor’s mind and fuck him up.

Cynthia:

“I don’t remember the last time I heard him laugh.”

That shit is dark yo. Connor doesn’t laugh around his family. He’s unhappy there.

“Connor didn’t get invited to any bar mitzvahs” [paraphrasing that quote]

Cynthia always had hope for Connor. I like to imagine Connor not being as nasty to his mother than everyone in the family. She really loved him and I hope he could feel that deep down.

And, of course, Evan:

“Over the summer I found this yearbook thing that our class made in 8th grade. Most people did collages of their friends. But Connor’s was a list of his ten favorite books.”

One of my favorite bits I like to write into stories is that Connor liked to read. For a middle school kid to have ten favorite books, and care enough about them to put them into a yearbook, is kinda of special. Books are methods of escapism to many people and I like to think Connor is included in that group.

OKAY IM GOING TO STOP THIS IS SO LONG I AM SO SORRY THIS WAS NOT THE RESPONSE YOU WERE LOOKING FOR I WROTE YOU A DUMB CHARACTER STUDY INSTEAD. THIS IS ALL HOW I SEE CONNOR SO IT’S HOW I TRY TO WRITE HIM YOU COULD SEE HIM SUPER DIFFERENTLY AND WRITE HIM DIFFERENTLY THATS WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT WRITING

#Anonymous #asks #connor murphy #dear evan hansen

1K notes · View notes