royalmokwamonster

[royalmokwamonster]

July 22, 2024 @10:34pm

i think what's fucked up about having an undiagnosed bpd father is that you never know which days he's at his happiest or just fucking moody.

he last minute decided (ofc not consulting us, bc why would he? our opinions doesnt matter) we're gonna go across the damn border:) wow! we should all celebrate and be grateful! but the thing is, this is a trap. like always. and what's even more-unfair is that it is literally taking away one of four vacation days of kuya. oh yea btw he isn't coming. lol so what's the point of crossing the boarder if 3/4 doesn't want to go?

oh, yeah that's right! say it with me folks, our opinions doesn't matter <3

i left my bobba in the living room - where he is currently and i dont want to go down.

he just yelled at mom to shut up when she soflty spilled the beans how it's up to kuya whether he wants to join us- BUT "US" as in you, father, because mom and i dont have money to shop.

no seriously. you're not paying my tuition. you did not contributed shit for any payements for my requirements for 2nd year.

you literally came back w green grass not so long ago since you literally gave mom the silent treatment for 2-3 weeks

pretty fucked up? it's givingggg unresolved repressed emotions

yea....

i also hate this town lol tell me smt idk. no but it's literally something in the air of this ass fucking town, the children employees at my job is legit turning shit on me. all i did was say what the source told me and now yall are hating on the messenger, babe, bffr right now.

i unfollowed A on spotify and then saw E there too. it's weird havign these repressed memories that i stored away re-open again,,, like suddenly i remember every second of HS again. i just hate anything associated with this town.

i miss freedom.

i think that's why i miss mtl so much is bc we had so much of that and we took it for granted by the time we started living w father.

we all hate it here, did anyone tell you that? oh, right!! we did <3 but - say it w me now: our opinions doesn't matter <3 !!!!

this is so bullshit because the days where/when he is in a happier mood- my ass tries to console the hatred i have build up towards him like "awe, maybe i am being harsh on me, ik he's trying" but then days like this just reminds me all the WHYs i dont like being back home.

i want to leave this place, run away with mom and capps far far away from him as possible- sounds fucked up but its tru and peaceful.

ppl would say that's a selfish move, but i know who i'd volunteer to take care myself VS put in a retirement home.

i dream it's just me and mom....and maybe even kuya (distant neighbor). safe. with her garden full of flowers. with a living room that has a tv on the wall. with many painting that we hung up by ourselves. with a dog that nonstop eats and bothers mom. with a bed with all the different kinds of layers to her likings. with a coffe machine that works. with the chinaware up for display.

i want out of here. and what makes it even more sad is that, we (as i speak for me, kuya and mom), we all have gone through this enough times that saying/confessing how much we hate it here, this isn't new news.

fucked up.

we were better without you back then. you bring out the worst in all of us. you're miserable inside that you put it on us?! fuck you.

[royalmokwamonster]

June 11, 2024 @2:09am

so i think im afraid of shooting my shots whenever i see / matched with a 10 (subjective but can be objective) so that's why i shoot low ~4 or 5 so then rejection isn't that bad when its me turning them down.

that's pretty fucked up to admit friends? idk.

unless i approach ~4 or 5 kinda of people because that's where i rank myself beacause i think i dont deserve a 10, so i humble myslef n go for people "in my lane" ... mediocrity. that's a fucked up theory

would this be the same analogy when a 10 goes for me i think its too good to be true? maybe, idk

why do i think i belong w 4 or 5 kinda of crowd? why am i placing myself in the safe lane... i think that's why last heartbreak w H really got me bc i got myself in the situation of a 5-king od guy rejected me and chose a 4 kinda partnet (no tea no shade, i just seen better)

why do i shoot low in partners? i mean i do like to dominate bc i think i rather sleep w the idea (she's [me] prettier, too good for him, idk why's shes w him) INSTEAD OF did that 10-type of guy settle with me (he's too good for me, he should be w a 10-type of girl, he's doing charity work with me)

i fear to being the joke thus i like to shift the lable of "being the joke in the relationship" to my partner rather than carrying it. im fully aware of how fucked up this sounds and makes me look.

me confessing this shows the reason why i am single and the way i am

i shoot low because im afraid of rejection / or looking like the JOKE with 10-kinds of people. i don't want to be oblivious being the gag of the group, i would want someone to tell me the elepahnt in the room .... bc there will always be something to distinguish someone out of the group. and what pisses me off the most is those ppl who cannot take a hint / read the fkg room that they are the odd duck & inserted themselve. no tf

i think im a 6. people may say otherwise, but no- that's why i go for 4, 5 or 6 because one too many (7,8,9,10) i feel they would be out of my league or too good to be true lol... i would eventually convince myself i dont deserve them since they are way too out of my league and they're with me for a dare

----

another hot take

not all pick-me girls are pretty. lol that's mean

i unfortunately assumed ONLY pick me girls are / have to be pretty in order to have that title

but no

pick-me girls can be ugly (damn, that's double homicide). see that's fucked up to admit too, smn had to say it.

if / when i act like one : i dont mean to do it, im oblivious to how i say things ,,, somone needs to throw me in acid lol

no like i've been recently thibnkng about one bud in school and they way she acts (and althought they were BuLLiEd in HigH sChOOl) boo-hoo everyone has a sob story

the way you "look over for me" yet you snitched my crush to H, try to be the middle bwt H and I, can still tolerate him, and fo other things excluding him (your kind of jokes, the way you say things, handled my anger episode, the way you text or even the way you take photos diagonally and post me even if i look bad)

no one is fooling me- that shit is / will be annoying for me to tolerate but i need to do what i need to do to graduate

[royalmokwamonster]

May 8, 2024 @2:40pm

So I went to gym the today thinking I can get back on the swim grind- yea nvm.

A guy grabbed me by my right shin. His phalanges were placed on my tibia (felt it on my crests) and his thumb was in the mid on my calve. I left after I finished a lap.

He called me a bitch. Repeatedly used the f word at me. Asked me what’s my problem. Told me I need to look out (even tho that’s bad positioning in freestyle when you’re supposed to look down at the line, but who am I to correct a white old man)

No wait- if you saw me coming then why not swim the other way? Rather THAN GRABBING MY FUCKING LEG.

The lifeguard… yea- I went to school w him. Fuck that. I wasn’t going to tell him shit bc he didn’t witness/see it. This is embarrassing enough, I am in my bathing suit for fuck sakes.

I kept saying sorry. I apologized lots. He called me a bitch. “I don’t give a fuck if you keep apologizing, bitch.”

Swimming collisions happens, that’s why you say sorry but for him to call it “head collision” as if there was any hard impact = then both parties should’ve gotten hurt real bad or even heard a thud

Mans was bold right when we accidentally swam into each together- to fucking grab my leg as his first instinct WOW I’m never coming back. There goes my attempt of doing 30 mins of swimming. Fuck that.

[royalmokwamonster]

24/1/2024

Hi Kuya,

Sorry I missed your call. I was having a panic attack over something dad said three weeks ago. Yeah so there’s that. I want to come see you… can u pay for my ticket tho, I’m kinda broke broke. Also, what should I text dad? Should I even? That was a petty text I got back, why did he made it look like a team effort over the hurtful shit he said to me? I’ve been stressing to be honest bc his words are haunting me form a good night rest. I can’t help but let it haunt me… u must know. Ugh the time u finally call back I’m stuck on another call… man I just feel so hallow inside. Gosh I hope tmr I have the urge of energy of somethin

-2:35 am

[royalmokwamonster]

23/1/2024 @2:02am

Happy new year biotch!

Kuya has been working on days I’m free and I haven’t spoken to him in a while.

There’s just so much catch u up with but I’m too lazy wtf has happened…

- dad n I have beef

- it’s week 3 for second semester

- dad texted me 48h and I’m debating whether I should text back bc he said fucked yo things

So.. in the folllowing I’m gonna text as if you’re Kuya

Hey, ik you’re working and we don’t communicate but I’ve been feeling far. From myself, from you, from mom, from god. I’m scared for this following semester. Your the smarter sibling, I’m scared of failing a course. That thought haunts me. I want to stay here in rather than ktown for the summer. What dad said kinda was f up especially since I have such low esteem and this damn program is just testing me.

I’ve been idk feeling anxious. I thought it was my period, she’s done with. I thought maybe if I workout I’ll feel better, it did temporarily. Maybe I need a distraction, I drank, I got high, I travelled to the other campus, I went to the mall,,, idk wtf at this point. I’m afraid I’m losing myself. It kinda feels like that tbh.

I’m scared of failing. Failing myself. I hate to admit, what triggered me was what dad said. No- like u don’t get it. You had academic validation. You did. I never had. And I see it haunting me. And what hurts is that I said so much nice thigis about dad on my assignment last semester (very highly) and for him to say that without even an apology of a text after weeks of silence (and not letting him know when I’m leaving for school).. that shit hurt. Idk why that keeps me up t’il now. It’s like that ghost voice I hear whenever I’m doing hmw. It’s like damn. I see my reflection and I just see a poser. I kinda hate me,,, damn. This is so sad if a confession.

God, please guide me. Please give me patience. Please keep me by your side, show me you’re with me bc I’ve been scared to sleep w my thoughts at night. I know it’s late, please lead me your ways, give me a good night sleep, please bless my following week ahead. Please give me a good night sleep, please be there when I wake up. I’ll talk to u soon,

Amen

[royalmokwamonster]

23/12/2023 @10:55pmmy

Therapist was right how life is dynamically shifting to the new chapter. It just sucks how my Christmas break feels sluggishly long

Waiting / hoping the door will ring

Hearing random stomps

Food disappearing really quick in the fridge

Loud bass sounds coming from the basement

What am I waiting for? What am I expecting? Why is it so boring?

Why am I so bored? I’ve done shopping. I’ve been at the mall. I’ve gone to the bakery. I’ve done a tiny grocery hall.

It’s like, if I go out, (hopefully) when I get back Kuya will be there.

But he isn’t.

I’m just a puppy waiting for their owner to advice so I could annoy the shit out of them.

Call doesn’t feel the same. I think that’s where my quality time of love language kicks in.

Last night I watch my baby confirmation CD, just to have that presence i guess of Kuya around.

I cried in my room. I couldn’t sleep. I cant sleep. He prob can’t either lol what’s new

It’s 11 and I’m just waiting out of nowhere the random car pull into the driveway. The keys unlocking the door. 🐶 comes barking out of nowhere.

But none of that will happen tonight. It didn’t happen last night. And it for sure won’t happen tmr on Christmas.

It’s our first Christmas separated.

Separation was something we (unfortunately) got used to /reinforced.

First from Mtl. Then this compilated family dynamic.

This is new though.

Now it’s being separated from what was keeping u company after moving here (feeling isolated from other family).

Awesome.

It’s more teary eye “I’m glad he’s far, but man did he had to be THIS far”

Now what am I going to watch? I don’t usually plan what’s next…. I just sit and comment

[royalmokwamonster]

22/12/2023

mall anxiety is real.

i spoted kuya's friend today at brunch. I saw my old bio teacher at the outlet today. i saw G at the mall bc her mom looked familiar.

dude mall anxiety is real.

i told mom n dad i was getting a massage but really i went to therapy. i do not know what to get father for christmas... which hurts bc i love gift giving, i got the idea of the bottle until i saw my treacher which just triggered old memories how she said im smart but just not on paper:)

i have anxiety lowkey build up bc kuya isn't here.

and A is arriving... gonna be quite honest, im not excited for her arrival. is that selfish to admit that? i want no part of a fob's beginning.........i think bc they have more to relate w my parents then w me (shiny new toy)

i came home to chill and to not be disturbed, but i have to be somone's guidance??? bruh that is not the bunso's job IS THAT SELFISHTO ADMIT? i dont think so (bias asf).

oh yea, btw, i passed all my classes for 1st sem. im still speechless for that.

[royalmokwamonster]

17/12/2023 10:31pm

Holy shit. I just checked Prof R grade and if I did my calculations correct. I landed a solid 65%😫 that legit gave me a whole heart attack.

I’m having a whole reflection of my life. I’m 21 and all I’m asking for is the bare minimum… god please guide me.

Ever felt numb? Because that’s what I’m feeling right now. I feel the towel is spinning and I’m just watching it spin. I feel I haven’t made progress w where am I. Why do I still think like this?

[royalmokwamonster]

22/10/2023

with only 4% left on my laptop... i continue w PART 2 lmao.

not only i am not good enough for my program. but i will never be anyones best friend. haha. i will never be pinoy enough. i will never be enough for anything thats supposed to work.

period. and that's on being a dissapointment.

[royalmokwamonster]

22/10/2023 @11:44am

my biggest fear is failing. im afraid of not belonging anywhere.

im doing alright in school atm, but not the best. Kuya is not home. i impulsively bought a last minute ticket home when i told myself i'd come home on monday,,,i came home saturday. the bitch in the laundry room touched my shit. she was ugly. i bought $100 worth of shit at the mall and that shopping bag did not come home w me...... yea, that shitty news drainned tf out of me.

im afraid i'm failing nursing. i dont want to. but some of the shit is making me feel stupid. i feel retarded.

that shit from the damn parking spot and getting that damn post it on my birthday. my shit taken out of the dam washing machine. losing my sephora shopping bag. yea, im pissed.

anatomy im proud i got a 70%

professional relationship i got a fucking 60% midterm

nursing prof i barely learning shit... i got a 55% lmao on a 5% quiz... i want to fucking know how i'm doing after that damn in-class essay (whcih was btw retarded asf since i only had two hours to do all that)

english i currently have an average of 76%

med calculation i have 78%... we just did a 20% worth test, so i have no idea where im placed

i dont feel proud of myself. why am i not prideful of my works? its becasue im failing. i have too much pride if i'd have to repeat myself... at a fucking college? loser!!!!!!!! bitch imagine having PSYCHOLOGY on top of that?! lmao you'd fail.... tf.

you won't make a good nurse. you can barely pass tf!!!!!!

stop taking so many mothwerfucking breaks! whore! distusting ass whore!

[royalmokwamonster]

20/5/2023

it's 3:50 in the damn morning and I have work at 1130AM... WTF!

I got fucking admitted to YorkU 48 damn hours ago.

I already accepted my offer at seneca- to that, I've been thinking about my next few years there

I already paid the down payment of $500

I spent over $300 on res that mom doesn't know about because I was so damn curious on Newnham rather than King City..then I got fucking revoked bc that was retarded asf even tho they still had 35 spots available... so why big rush me on that stupid questionnaire.

THEREFORE $800 and paying for courses havent even started yet

anddddddd I just submitted my thing to OSAP so fuck me

so yea, I am annoyed how they were fucking taking their time & playing w my feelings admitting me pretty fucking late in the game... which leads me to here trying to think straight.

I already played the hypothetical card w mom this morning if I were to change my mind to another school. and I know it will hurt her but as a front she says "everyone changes their mind" --> which btw made me internally cry bc I love her so much (increases the pressure even more to not fuck up any. decision for the following days whether I should stay in Seneca than pass my shot at York)

it was already so damn chaotic for dad to accept the fact im going to college. damn. how tf do I tell him, yeah I wasted ur money AGAIN for admission because IM CHNAGING MY MIND AGAIN but don't worry because this time it's at York...

I hate this thinking game

Cassie made a point how it is still possible to transfer no matter what

Alex too did make a point that having a balance life will be important

Judy was right this was my first choice if I were to get accepted

IM SO CONFUSED

I feel that because the last week I've been using my iPad as a check list to getting shit done like

calling PEI for a job

being transfers at PEI's Garage

pulling up at Montreal

calling Seneca for scholarships

calling Seneca for login difficulties

calling for residence info

that when and IF I were to think about York I would have to be doing all this shit in 2x speed meaningggggg

I have to inform RND and OVS to transfer my transcript to the admission office at York

get my York email working

[re]apply for residence at York

meaning my newer set of questions would be

[re]inquiring for York scholarships &&&& course enrolment

[re]applying / correcting my Osap application

alsoooo meaning that paying residence is another affaire (such as in Seneca offered 3 different options on how to pay the instalment for residence)

--- currently 4:39 AM ----

I have been on so many Reddits reviews because I am just being pulled from one side to the other when trying to decide what school VS the other.

[royalmokwamonster]

Friday 5/5/2023

So I didn’t joint mom n dad to ihop. I choose not too. Didn’t feel right. Just like the last 10 years and I hate to confess but it felt nice not following him.

I guess I’m not giving myself enough credit (lol no pun intended) but I guess you can say today I’ve done a big girl investment. I wanted an iPad therefore I got myself an iPad. She’ll be coming next week asf!

I ate the takeout food mom n dad bought K and I. It’s been 2 weeks now since I’ve last spoken with dad. He creates no- he is the origin of anger ever since this house has been up.

I don’t forgive him. I don’t want to forgive him. I hate to reason with “cmon he’s your father” type of logic. So. Idc. He hurts us. He’s been hurting us, and I’m not gonna let through this “happy phase” of his rn gonna change the fact he stated loud n clear to mom that morning “he’s done w me. He refuse to support me” ARE U FUCKING KIDDING ME. I HATE THAT I CANT HATE YOU. I HATE AVOIDING YOU but if I’m not avoiding you then I would get reminded by you how disappointed I are to me. Awesome.

I hate having all this fucking anger in me due to you. You seriously need help and I hate me hating you for that.

Why does my achievement feels….not enough lol

It’s currently 2:09am and I’ll be opening tmr fml, I should be waking up in six hours from now.

[royalmokwamonster]

9/2/2023

fear.

i fear of being left out. it’s always been something that i’ve noticed in myself; 

whether its with my own family- feeling like no one gets me, i cant joke as funny

with my own cousins- ive never had the confidence as much as they had in a certain thing-- as to would result to me feeling/thinking i look puny

with any friends really- i dont think i am good enough for them,, or were they good enough without me in the picture.

i’ve always never felt enough for others.

even with the filipino community- will i even be enough? i dont feel like it. sometimes i feel i even disappoint them because i can’t speak fluently. or even my mom’s dialect.

not to mention at school- i was never really fantastic enough for a particular subject. 

always felt left out/never enough in any type of sport- wasn’t feeling skilled enough. 

with movies- i am not educated enough to know the background or even the director or producer in this film

same with music- never felt confident enough with having a variety/strong taste in music

i still (and perhaps will always be) not enough to be educated with this political bullshit

sometimes even being part of a p.o.c community- sometimes i find myself whitewashed, i’m no help to represent somthing meaningful

i fear of never feeling completed, full, secure in something i should naturally feel part of.

[royalmokwamonster]

gifs of my markie (101/∞)

[royalmokwamonster]

21/12/2022

This Christmas is lowkey sad- why does it feels like a “decorated day” and not a holiday

[royalmokwamonster]

14/12/2022

Ok so ill take this ten mitbute break of mine by writting down a list of things I look foward come this shit show ends:

During my hair brown

Buying new sunglasses … might even get brown eyeglasses

Slowly buying residence furniture

Renovating my room

Losing weight, maybe get into weight lifting

Living with Judy HOPEFULLY 🤞🏽❤️

Visiting C and A again for second semester

Binge watching kdrama again

Buying tickets to concerts

[royalmokwamonster]

30/11/2022, 3:51PM

i got to see my spotify wrap this morning! big slay

it's not like its new news but- i just dont like whenever im about to do a regular "hang out / going out" things why does my dad lowkey talks down as if i'm doing the worst thing i could do in my life?

i understand i pulled the "last minute mention" to him already: PEI, Mtl u's birthday, Mtl weekend w cous.... to be fair i did tell him this time my plan for the weekend ahead of time

did i lie? just a tad. i didnt want to mention it was like another [unnecessary as he would put it] birthday, so i said it was a secret santa occasion. i mean it would make sense because of the gifts i will be bringing with me.

god the body cream that i bought is delicious!! so good mmmm *chef kiss

i know what it looks like on his end- how i be literally leaving almost every other weekend to go somewhere BUT LISTEN!!! my whole life i've been controlled by you and ur decisions whether it would be "approved / acceptable" for me to go somewhere beyond our house for however many days. do i feel like shit doing this? yes, in a way but im also trying to break that little conditioning that you kind of reinforced in my life.... aka making me trapped or owned or have that urge that maybe i should give the wheel to someone because when im behind the wheel i shouldn't be trusted for dictation? yk.

anyways, god please be by my side for the next weeks, ill need your strength and patience.