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twitteringnerdsneverfly · 8 months ago

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Is Yashiro’s sexuality innate or his another coping mechanism against his trauma, as if the trauma is too early (he said himself that he was raped even before knowing what affection was) and too severe that his brain restructures itself to survive?

Hi @kyrieren ! You are my first ask woo! 🥳 I am not a neuropsychiatrist however 😅 neither am I a psychologist, all I can give you is my personal opinion, and it may be very scientifically inaccurate!

However, I can add a caveat that I have personal experience with trauma (not Yashiro-type trauma tho) and I do have some friends irl who have had childhood trauma and these are merely my layman observations + research 🧐

Childhood attachment is an attachment theory of how we learn to develop, cope and bond with people in the world. It's said that your romantic attachment style will be your childhood attachment style because it's what you've grown up with, what you know, how to deal with the people closest to you. Romantic relationships tend to bring out your attachment style because parental and romantic relationships are usually the closest you are to another human being.

Given that childhood attachment teaches us how to relate to the world and people, this becomes familiar and what we know.

The worst childhood attachment style: insecure disorganised attachment.

This is when a child is betrayed by the caregivers around them, who are meant to provide a safe, secure, loving base and instead what the child receives is physical, sexual, emotional or neglectful abuse.

The brain gets fucked, it's scrambled, a child cannot comprehend what is happening. All you know as a child is that mom/dad/uncle/etc is hurting you and they are your caregivers, who you rely upon in this world.

Unfortunately, it is unbearable to think as a child that mom/dad etc is bad (how are you to cope / survive if the people you rely upon are either bad or don't love you?) so unfortunately what tends to happen are the following:

The child starts to think they're bad

The child starts to rationalise that they must deserve the punishment

That punishment is misconstrued as an act of love / given a positive spin

None of these are verbalised / articulated / rationalised states. A lot of the time they are subconscious, automatic.

Enter Yashiro.

IMHO, Yashiro's betrayal from his caregivers, his insecure disorganized attachment (which also he displays avoidant attachment traits too), is so severe that he has warped the trauma into a good thing. It is unbearable for him to think that his mom and step father have betrayed / abused him to such a degree so he has taken the most painful part of it, and fooled himself into thinking "it wasn't so bad, kinda liked it".

So in his adult sexual relationships Yashiro, in my opinion subconsciously, finds himself acting out the abuse again and again: hands tied, taken from behind, can't see the face. And claims this is his preference.

To deal with all the trauma, Yashiro's brain has combined the severity of the trauma that has left its mark upon his brain with "oh I'm addicted to sex, and sex in this particularly painful way" without adding everything together.

This fucked up way Yashiro has sex is his trauma and attachment all combined. Unspoken within the attachment are things like: this is what I must do to feel safe, this is what I must do to survive / get on the good side of this person.

Yashiro has a kind of detachment to his trauma or so he claims, yet it is so embedded in his brain as the norm that it's his preference because this type of sex is what is familiar.

So yes Kyrieren, in answer to your question, Yashiro's sexuality is his coping mechanism.

It's what he had to put up with to survive, and his brain has now twisted it to think it wasn't so bad, maybe he even liked it. It makes the trauma more digestible to Yashiro this way.

ENTER DOUMEKI.

Doumeki threatens this entire narrative Yashiro has given himself to cope, "oh I like sex this way, it's not so bad, I don't feel anything otherwise, this is what I want".

Yashiro HAD to believe he wanted / wants sex this way because he had no other choice. He was raped and abused. And he has done as best as any trauma survivor could.

Doumeki represents choice and also a shattering of Yashiro's previous beliefs and the super uncomfortable mirror that what happened to Yashiro was not OK, he was betrayed, painful sex is not the norm, nothing to do with his abuse is OK - he is now allowed and able to choose another way. But this is unfamiliar and scary for our dear Yashiro, and holds a lot of painful realisations.

Thanks to Kyrieren for asking the question!

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #twittering birds never fly #yashiro x doumeki #saezuru meta #saezuru fandom #saezuru analysis

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nothing0fnothing · 3 months ago

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So few people recognise how being hit rewires your entire thinking.

I'm adults it's a shock and the response to it is swift and completely involuntary. Shaking, crying, adrenaline and cortisol spikes, heart rate and breathing speeds up, while "non essential" bodily processes like digestion and hormone production stops.

It happens once to an adult and their body and brain is not OK for at least a day. They will suffer the consequences for up to 3 days.

For children the effects are possibly worse. Their adrenaline spikes higher because being hit by an adult poses a higher risk. The anxiety response lingers longer because they are living in a home where their abuser has constant acsess to them. Their bodies are still growing, so not being able to eat or produce hormones as normal can have long lasting effects. If they are hit more frequently than once this means potential consequences up to and beyond adulthood.

Scientists have found links between childhood trauma and basically all disorders in adulthood, from poor mental health to autoimmune disorders to cancer.

Do not underestimate how violence in your early life shapes your adulthood, your body hasn't forgotten.

#abuse survivor support #physical abuse

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astroshitter · 2 years ago

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The houses in astrology

The first house, the ascendant- House of the self.

the horizontal calculated position of the constellation of stars that was behind the sun at the time of birth, the sign that opens the first house. The house of the ego, physical features, what people perceive of me.

The energy I radiate, the aura, the physical health. Personality and external physical characteristics that the world perceives from me.

Impulses, can also indicate childishness. House of new beginnings.

natural position (original sign in the division of the zodiac); Aries, and planet Mars.

Second House - House of our value to things, people and ourselves.

Property, finances, comfort(our comfort zone).

The sensory (the 5 senses), also connects to the throat, possessiveness, stubbornness, fixation.

Can represent early childhood, responsible for what a person needs in his life to feel stable and relaxed, a house also responsible for financial conduct.

Natural original ruler - Taurus and planet Venus.

Third House- The house of sharing.

siblings, the neighbors, the general close environment surroundings in childhood, short trips, public transport and cars in general. Communication, information, transfer of information, daily routine.

Thinking, receiving information, intellect.

Recognition of Patterns and boundaries (our ability to separate), objectivity. head>emotion|emotion=head

duality. Focusing on small details.

The neurosis alongside a constant need to learn and teach, to do something all the time. multitasking.

Natural ruler - Gemini, planet Mercury ruled by day star Mercury.

Fourth house- the family base house.

Parents, the environment we grew up in, the place we refer to when we think of our original home.

Our comfort zone, subconscious emotional security (what we need to feel emotionally secure). Roots, heredity.

Inclusion, hospitality, parental emotional care. (sometimes shows how we express love)

How we act when no one is around, what comes naturally for us

Natural ruler - Cancer and the Moon

The bottom ray on the chart that is called IC (imum Collie)

Fifth house - the house of pleasure and vitality.

Vitality, creativity, close friends, romance, being in the spotlight, ego, addictions.

The house of children (the inner child, our children and the children of other people). theatrical dramatics. Sex and dating, flamboyance, selfishness, the heart. (physiologically as well as emotionally), give and take.

Seeing the picture through the story of events from the subjective eye.

Natural ruler - Leo and the Sun.

Sixth house - House of health and service.

Bills, documents, medical treatment, medical nurses, technical daily routine, giving, criticality, patients, digestive system, perfectionism, work, practice.

Doing things behind the scenes (managing things behind the scenes)

Anxieties, obsessions, psychosomatics.

animals and pets.

Natural ruler - Virgo and night star Mercury.

Seventh house - The house of balance.

Relationships, romance with partners, political correctness, boundaries, beauty, connections, our partners. Intimacy

Behavior of partners, self-renunciation/no compromise, balance, superficiality, qualities we are not aware of (alter ego), visible enemies (of which we are aware).

Natural ruler - Libra and planet Venus.

Eight house- House of transformation.

Sex, death and rebirth, taboo, obsession, secrecy, thoroughness, research, psychology, suspicion, skepticism.

Compulsivity, fears, truth, underworld (Witchcraft), astrology, mysticism, traumas, closure

Repetitive patterns of behavior. karma; Previous generations of the family (grandfather, grandmother, etc.), awareness - to see the truth as it is without the ability to beautify

manipulation.

Natural ruler - Scorpio and Pluto, second ruler Mars.

Ninth house- The house of expansion and essence.

Trips outside the borders of the country, languages, different cultures, philosophy, optimism, the big picture without being able to get into the small details (not thinking about consequences).

Tactlessness, religion, spiritual outlook, publishing.

In-depth research, spiritual or physical journeys alone,

Lack of boundaries, lack of absolute truth (related to boundaries).

Freedom, claustrophobia, unwillingness to commit, fear of missing out , desire to see everything from everywhere.

Natural ruler - Sagittarius and Jupiter.

Tenth house- House of career, public persona.

Status, how people see me (public reputation for better or for worse).

This is a house that is crossed in the upper horizon in the chart, after all, it is the midheaven of the Sky MC (medium Collie)-

Self-fulfillment, preoccupation with how I am seen from the outside,

Investment in work, persistence, tradition. represents one of the parents. Materialism, personal promotion, pension, making yourself name in your workfield.

The 10th house reflects our ACS, the first house, which by understanding our first house, it could shows us why we want to attain the qualities of the 10th house in the first place.

Natural ruler - Capricorn and the planet Saturn.

Eleventh house- the house of the extended society.

Politics, social promotion, anti-primitiveness, anti-framework, progressive, new age, ideals.

Courts, demonstrations, action for the common good, activity for our inner ideals, the God complex, arrogance, emotional distance, feeling like an alien, strangeness.

Natural ruler - Aquarius and planet Uranus, second ruler Saturn.

Twelfth house- The house of sacrifice and mysticism.

Things that the owner of the chart is not aware of (but other people see them), hidden enemies, hospitals, institutions, prisons, closed places, emotional withdrawal, solitude, cinema, directing, music, closure, escapism, rose-colored glasses on reality, dreaming, emotional overflow, visions, tarot and astrology,

Secrets, subconscious connection to others (intuition), feet, wisdom of life, the fool / naivety / childishness,

Peter Pan complex. A house that closes the zodiacal wheel (closure)

Natural ruler - Pisces and planet Neptune, second ruler Jupiter.

#astro #astro notes #astro observations #astrology #astroworld #astro posts #zodic signs #astrology 101

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cosmicjoke · 11 months ago

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Do you think Levi struggling with social niceties is more of a function of his upbringing or his natural temperament/personality? He seems naturally introverted to me, but I also think a lot of his stoic expressions are as a result of trauma or depression

That's an interesting question.

I think it's probably a combination of both. Like you, I think Levi is naturally introverted and just naturally a very reserved, quiet person. So regardless of his upbringing, I think he would have always been very quiet and not given to big, emotional displays or outbursts, or to things like chattiness or effusiveness. I also think he's very introspective, very self-reflective. And Levi is highly emotionally intelligent, and that's reflected, I think, in his reserved manner. You can tell he thinks a lot. That he's careful with his words, and doesn't simply jump to conclusions about others, but really contemplates things, and that manifests in him not talking very much, in only speaking when he has something important to say, etc...

But I think his difficulty with knowing how to navigate social interactions does come largely from his upbringing. I think his struggles in that regard are likely reflective of him simply not having much social interaction as a child. I've written about this at more length in my posts about Levi's early childhood, which you can read here if you're interested:

https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/714444060984737792/the-psychological-and-emotional-impact-of-levis?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/714626354972360704/part-2-of-the-psychological-and-emotional-impact?source=share

But basically, I think Levi was probably denied the sort of normal, social interactions most children his age would require in order to become socially adept, and we see that lack of social adeptness in his more abrupt manner. In the way he can sometimes come across as rude to others, in his general inability to soften his words or put things in a way which will be easier for others to digest or accept. I think Levi always would have been a pretty brutally honest person, regardless of how he was raised, because he just strikes me as the type of person not at all given to manipulation or duplicity. But he probably would have been better at couching that honesty in a way that didn't put other people off so much.

The thing is, when people call Levi rude, or unfriendly, I don't think they quite understand that he doesn't MEAN to be rude or unfriendly. He's not trying to offend anyone with the way he speaks to them. He comes across as rude sometimes because he's honest, and he doesn't himself quite know how to put that honesty into words which others find palatable. He just says what he's thinking and feeling. He just blurts it out. And sometimes it can seem harsh or unkind. But it's never Levi's intent to be so. Unless we're talking about instances where he's flat out insulting someone, like when he calls Zeke a bearded bastard, or Yelena a bitch, etc... But just his general "rudeness" is, I think, never a product of intent, but simply a product of his lack of social skill.

He was never taught how to talk to people, and so he simply doesn't know how.

#Levi Ackerman #attack on titan #shingkei no kyojin

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aces-and-angels · 2 years ago

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final thoughts on the ilw finale: lincoln edition (ch 23 spoilers below) @itlivesproject

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Put some respect on his newly issued government name y’all- it’s time to get into the magnificent, the wonderful, the man touched by the Power himself- ✨Lincoln Aquino✨

Having Lincoln be my final deep dive puts him in a unique position. By now, I’ve shared my thoughts on each ending Rowan can have with their LI (Blood/Mixed/Shadow). My fear is that if I were to do the same format with Linc, I’d run the risk of sounding redundant. The solution? I’m taking Ro out of the equation- just for a little while- so I can focus on Lincoln’s story.

Having a connection/trauma related to the Power is not unique to Lincoln’s character. However, apart from Rowan, his ties to it are the strongest.

Childhood trauma is a bitch. And so is Matthias

For Lincoln, the Power is isolating. What was supposed to bring him and his father closer together only drives a wedge between them. His abilities separated him from a ‘normal’ lifestyle. It’s not explicitly shown, but I’d imagine Lincoln constantly needing to come up with excuses as to why he’d miss so much school as a child. “I was out sick” is much easier to digest than “I was rendered unconscious from yet another ritual my dad made me perform in the woods.” His struggles were ones that he couldn’t necessarily go out and seek help for. Not even from his closest friend, Abel.

Abel: And now I’m just finding out you’ve had powers this whole time? But I guess it’s no big deal for you, just another secret to add to the pile.

While it is minor, this line hints at a distance between Abel and Lincoln that has been present for years- far before their falling out after their senior prank. I’d like to think that Lincoln chose to keep Abel out of the loop to maintain something pure in his life. But hiding something of that magnitude from his best friend couldn’t have been easy. My point is that from a very early age, Lincoln had to learn to cope with his connection to the Power on his own. At 19, after his mother’s death, he leaves the McQuoid household entirely. Isolation had turned into Lincoln’s greatest weapon. One he wielded against the harsh world around him.

Rowan: You don’t have to be alone all the time, you know. It is okay to let people in and have friends. Relationships.

Lincoln: Maybe.

Rowan: Maybe? Why maybe?

Lincoln: Because the people you love today will end up breaking you tomorrow. It’s better to avoid it all in the first place than to set yourself up to fail.

---

Lincoln: I... shouldn’t have kissed you.

Rowan: Why not?

Lincoln: Because, Rowan, you deserve so much more than me. I’m a screw up at the best of times, and you... you’re special. You shouldn’t have to put up with that, and I don’t expect you to.

After consistently being told his wants/needs don’t matter, Lincoln starts to believe it himself. Being alone meant that no one could hurt him. He’d never have to disappoint anyone for not being enough again. That way of life kept him safe from pain he was all too familiar with. Then came Rowan.

It is both wonderful and terrifying for Lincoln to cross paths with someone like them. Someone so similar. Someone that gets him to do the one thing he hasn’t done in years: open up. Initially, it’s Rowan’s connection to the Power that loosens Lincoln’s tongue. He reveals more about himself to Ro, who he’s known for less than a day, than he has in years with anyone else. There is a certain ease one feels when sharing things with others who truly understand; a relief of finally being seen and heard by someone else. Bit by bit, Lincoln’s defenses crumble the closer he gets to Rowan. Their affections are understandably met with his resistance. But eventually, he lets them into his heart completely. And what that does goes far beyond restoring his faith in others. This is best seen in his final nerve test aka the nightmare sequence:

Lincoln: No. I’m not going to kill myself to try to make you love me for who I am... I want to be me. The tattoo artist who just wants to live a normal life with people I care about doing mundane things like staying up late watching TV. That’s who I am and there’s nothing wrong with that... I don’t need anyone’s approval to be myself.

Matthias left Lincoln feeling worthless. But Rowan? Rowan made him feel worthwhile.

---

Despite Lincoln’s insecurities, he is a strong, grounding presence for Rowan right from the start. Selfless, despite his tendency to avoid strangers. Let’s go all the way back to the beginning:

During times of instability (most likely Power-induced), it’s Lincoln that gets Ro to regain control over their body. With him, they are able to make sense of something so foreign yet so intrinsic to their being. With him, Rowan realizes that the Power doesn’t always have to be violent and destructive. It can be warm and calming. Beautiful, even. And with time, Lincoln sees Ro as the Power’s most perfect creation. You can argue that Matthias does these things as well- there’s a whole chapter dedicated to him doing just that. But my man Linc here is saying perfect with his whole chest. He really means that shit and there’s the added bonus of him never having the thought to kill Rowan for more power. So... yeah. #teamlincoln lmao. In all seriousness, Lincoln’s love for Rowan is healthier and far more sustainable than whatever romance Ro could have with Grandpa Matty.

Regardless of route, Lincoln makes a deliberate choice to remove himself entirely from the Power. That means leaving Westchester for his tattoo shop in Vegas, dissolving Matthias’ assets, donating what he can to charity, and relinquishing the McQuoid name. Finally making good on what he thought would be his final words to Matthias:

Lincoln: I don’t need you or your help to make something of myself. I’m gonna go out there, and I’m gonna be just fine, and it won’t have anything to do with you.

Y’all already know Rowan’s journey with the Power can end one of three ways. I’ll be honest gang, even as I’m typing out this sentence, I’m still unsure of how I want their story to conclude.

Shadow:

Lincoln: No, I would choose to love you again, and again and again, even if it’s just for a month or a week or a day. Of course I wish we could’ve had years together. But a lifetime spent missing you is better than a lifetime where I didn’t love you at all.

In his final scene, we see Lincoln alone in the woods, grieving. Yet he does not meet his heartache with malice. Instead, we see a sort of gratitude for the pain he feels. Pain that he desperately tried to avoid for much of his adulthood. It’s an impossible mission, really. Trying not to get hurt. It left Lincoln with nothing more than a bunch of hollow relationships. Nothing real. But Rowan gives him the greatest gift of all- a real, true love. A love worth hurting for. In return, Lincoln gives something back to the world that it had long lost: his heart. As wounded as it may be, it’s finally open to letting others back in. He will never truly be alone again- and that’s all thanks to Rowan.

Man, I love the shadow ending😭

Mixed:

Simply based off the epilogue scenes, I feel that Lincoln has the hardest time coping with a long-distance relationship. Touch is intrinsic to his character. His abilities aside, there are several moments in ILW where Rowan taking Lincoln’s hand in theirs provides him comfort. Their physical presence, no matter how small, soothes Linc. That being said, Rowan being able to share their feelings for him through the Power? Magnificent. Brilliant. 10/10.

I’ve expressed my preference for a mixed route multiple times. Knowing that it wasn’t originally one of the available outcomes makes me want to hold onto it a bit tighter lmaoo

Blood:

Lincoln: There’s too much painful history there. It’s hard enough finding a way to move forward when we’re not constantly being reminded of the things we’re trying so hard to leave behind.

No one is coming out of ILW completely unscathed. It’s all about that sustained trauma, babyyy

While there is no ‘right’ ending, the majority of players chose the Blood route (according to the tumblr polls) as their end. Maybe ILW’s official survey will have different results- who knows? I myself see the appeal of it, however it is hard for me to justify this end with the majority of my playthroughs. In my opinion, Ro’s connection to the Power is too great to cut off completely. But it is in the spirit of the Blood ending to leave the past behind. Starting over. Both Linc and Ro take on new identities and are ready to forge their own path together.

---

Every ending (sans the betrayal routes lol) leaves Lincoln better off than when we first meet him- ready to embrace the world around him rather than hide from it. Where do I see his journey ending with Rowan? The selfish part of me wants them to be together, but I can’t help but feel a pull towards the shadow ending. It’s just that bitch. In conclusion, I’m still torn lmaoo. I’d love to read how everyone else’s endings went with Linc if your MC romanced him, so feel free to share your journeys below! Maybe it’ll help me finally make up my mind 😂

Other thoughts:

getting linc into trashy reality tv?? sign me tf up

i will never be mad at having more moss content

these two are artists (iykyk)

lincoln’s heart being ro’s greatest treasure 😭😭 someone hold me

seeing linc express love so freely is just... so... beautiful???

no stats for this post bc clearly i can’t make up my dang mind but i will end with the starry night end card since i haven’t used that one yet

to all the writers, artists, readers, and general enthusiasts- thank you ♥

#ilw spoilers #ilw #it lives within #playchoices #choices #ilitw #ilb #it lives in the woods #it lives beneath #it lives anthology #it lives series #lincoln x mc #lincoln aquino #lincoln mcquoid #happy finale weekend😎😎

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the80srewinders · 7 months ago

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Debunking Systemscringe

(I know its gonna be hard, especially with how contradictory they are, but this has to be done, and someone's gotta do it.)

Systemscringe: "You can't have other disorders and have DID/OSDD!"

Actually, you can, and its very common because of DID/OSDD developing from early childhood trauma. Personality disorders are also posttraumatic, and many people with DID have them. The most common co morbid disorder (besides ptsd) with DID/OSDD is borderline personality disorder. This is kind of expected because bpd and DID/OSDD are somewhat similar according to the theory of structural dissociation. People with DID/OSDD also are often born neurodivergent, usually autism and adhd, but because children with intellectual disability get abused (usually sexual abuse) at a high rate yet slip under the cracks in psychology and abuse awareness, theres definitely many people with intellectual disability and DID/OSDD studies havent acknowledged yet. People with DID/OSDD also have physical health issues caused by stress, some have more of these than others. For example, we have a weak immune system and digestive issues caused by stress. If someone says they have DID and then also lists a disorder salad, it might be true.

Systemscringe: "You can't have fictives/be fictive heavy!"

Yes, people with DID have been shown in a few case studies to have fictives. Science actually proves its possible. How DID/OSDD develop is proof enough fictives are possible; DID/OSDD develop from disorganized attachment (usually caused by abuse, always caused by trauma) the child needs comfort figures in times of trauma and stress, so if the child is into any media (especially if the child has autism) then that child will more than likely develop a fictive. Same applies to factives of celebrities and friends or positive family. If the DID/OSDD system is autistic, their chance of being fictive heavy is high because autistic people often engross themselves in fiction and thats where theyll find comfort in, thus developing fictives under stress or trauma.

Systemscringe: "Littles aren't supposed to be treated like children because youre all different parts of one person."

Littles function on the level of a child and often have the internal appearance of a child. They are often trauma holders of what happened to the body around that age, stuck in trauma time parts with that probably explaining their age, and often are just like actual children. They can get triggered by mature topics especially when theyre trauma holders of sexual or severe verbal abuse trauma and have the mental functioning of a child. Treat littles like children not because theyre "innocent little trauma free parts that need to stay clean uwu" but because they probably hold trauma and are on the level of a small child. You wouldn't trigger a singlet child who just got called a slur, its the same thing.

Systemscringe: "You can't have 100+ alters!"

Uhm, we're standing right here? We have 100+ alters. Its not something we enjoy, especially me the host, I am working toward integration of the alters who agreed to it. Us systems with 100+ alters often have more fragments than defined full fledged "personalities" because alters require enough life experience and fronting to develop a full fledged identity. Systems with 100+ alters usually went through trauma that was too severe for them or continuously traumatized even into adulthood. There's documented cases of 100+ alters. RAMCOA survivors with DID tend to have 100+ alters. Which leads me to my next systemscringe myth...

Systemscringe: "RAMCOA isn't real!"

Again, we're standing right here? RAMCOA is real. It's not the satanic panic shit. RAMCOA is a term for ritual/religious abuse, mind control and organized abuse. All three of these have broad meanings, which means RAMCOA is more common than you think and many people have been through RAMCOA that don't consider it such because they only know misinformation and stereotypes about it. Being verbally abused or shamed frequently by the church is religious abuse, being forced to conform to a cult (satanic ritual abuse and sexual abuse by a cult not included) can be ritual abuse and being abused by one or more teachers and principals at an elementary school is organized abuse for example. RAMCOA isn't always the dramatic sacrifices and being sold from stranger to stranger without knowing your own parents. We're survivors of domestic sex trafficking; the body was sexually abused for the sexual abuser's drug money and there was more than one person involved besides the only one who sexually abused and programmed us. The abuser lived with us. A lot of people haven't heard of domestic sex trafficking because society is so focused on the child sex trade and children being kidnapped and sold to sex trafficking rings. Survivors like us fall into the cracks. I could and will write a different post on RAMCOA since we're a survivor of it and have a lot to say about it but I'll keep it at that for now.

Systemscringe: "You can't have dyed hair and listen to alt/emo/indie and dress like an eboy or you're faking!"

How someone dresses doesn't mean they're faking. We wear wigs, fake hair clips, and even use temporary dye on our hair, we listen to almost exclusively classic rock from the 70s and 80s (including the "emo" bands like Depeche Mode and The Cure) and different alters have different styles. We don't exactly fall into the eboy or egirl aesthetic but some of us come close. We're definitely not faking. We have a professional diagnosis that has been validated by every psychologist we've seen since diagnosis, and the differences that show DID are there in our brain scans. We've even had the brain waves associated with dissociation spotted on an EEG before we even knew what DID was or that we have it. Dissociation actually is associated with different brain waves and I can find the study about it.

There's more myths they've made, but I'll leave it at that for now.

#dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #other specified dissociative disorder #osddid #syscourse #endo neutral #maybe anti endo #systemscringe

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kalihaze604 · 10 months ago

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Wednesday, January 17th, 2024

rest and digest

My nervous system is finally healing! This is something major to celebrate because I’ve spent most of my life in an anxious state of fight/flight/freeze/fawn as a result of a lifetime of narcissistic abuse that started with my manipulative and controlling parents. Early childhood is the root of everyone’s problems, and most folks don’t even want to acknowledge that their childhood wasn’t as pretty as they romanticized it to be to avoid processing the painful parts that got bottled up and left to rot and deal with later. Even my own father said “well most peoples childhood isn’t perfect” but was completely unwilling to have any sort of self awareness or accountability for his actions and how his trauma was intergenerational and yes that he does in fact have trauma that was ever addressed and narcissistic personality disorder as a result. My parents will never accept the consequences for their actions yet my mom made sure to constantly yell at me and drill into my head that I always needed to think about “what happens next” yet it’s clear this is just “do as I Say -not as I Do”! It’s pointless to expect my parents to ever heal or apologize for how much harm they caused. Growing up with two narcs made me normalize abuse and view abuse as love, setting me up for a series of failed traumatic abusive relationships mostly with narcissists. Abuse was all I knew and I just wanted a happy ending to my trauma cycle but repeating it was not bringing anything more than more pain and abuse. Then my pain got so bad I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and my pain worsened as my symptoms diversified. Western medicine was literally useless in terms of providing anything other than inadequately low doses of opiate pain meds but I later realized that my own doctor was another person with narcissistic personality disorder and that was significantly impacting my care. She never took my pain seriously and gave me breadcrumbs of care while getting paid huge amounts of money by the government and disability system from neglecting, abusing and often abandoning me to die when she didn’t have answers. Asking an abuser to help heal an Illness caused by abuse is insane, I realized. This doctor’s last name literally rhymes with Evil and the first time I saw her, I thought the nurse said “you’ll be seeing Dr Evil tonight!” Which I thought was hilarious at the time but it was likely just my intuition trying to scream and tell me to run away from this bitch before things got worse. I was always doing sex work to pay for medical cannabis because she was always underprescribing me so I had to pay extra to actually manage my pain and be able to function. I stopped speaking to my doctor in May when I was crying uncontrollably while I begged for another prescription increase and she refused. I stopped seeing her and started buying a small amount of low dose diverted pills to be able to adequately manage my pain this summer. There’s a whole community that is being neglected by their doctors and underprescribed meds, so they sell or trade their low dose meds for higher dose unregulated products or cash to be able to manage their pain and function. A whole community of folks that were failed by western medicine and are now “self medicating” or whatever label gets slapped on these folks who are already super criminalized.

In December, after a breakup with yet another Narc that had caused extreme fibromyalgia flare ups by either fucking me into a flare up or emotionally neglecting me to the point I react by shutting down and going into a freeze state. My body was fucking tired. My back was covered in burns from my heating pad and a wicked hyperpigmentation skin rash. Some dude once catcalled me with “ I LOVE your scars!” Like bro there’s nothing cool about these unique markings, you can get them too if you can commit to spending 12+ hours per day glued to a heating pad for a year and a half straight! Anyways I’m sure they’ll fade once I stop using my heating pad and commit to putting thc/cbd transdermal cream on my back regularly to heal and nourish the sensitive angry skin.

Since deleting social media I’ve been spending way less time rotting in bed glued to my heating pad. I have honestly surprised myself with how much I have accomplished in the last couple days. Since getting out of that relationship and going no contact with my abusive bio family, I feel like my nervous system has majorly calmed the fuck down for the most part. I’ve lost so much weight unintentionally over the past month and a lot has been in the “cortisol belly” area that’s known as a fat storage site when you have high cortisol levels caused by extreme stress and nervous system deregulation. I had boxes of extra small clothes sitting in storage since 2018, and now they all fit me again! Size totally depends on the cut and on the brand but I’m fitting into size 0/xxs clothes now and that’s what I consider a normal size for me? Five fucking years is what it took to get my body back after losing all human rights and control over my body thanks to extended leave, being forced to take mood stabilizers I didn’t need that caused extreme weight gain and the useless mental health system. I’ve been getting so much done lately but I’ve also been resting a lot and having such good sleep and naps now. In the fall I struggled to sleep because I was so stressed and miserable and couldn’t stop thinking, couldn’t relax and rest, there was too much on my mind. It feels so Damn good to be so relaxed. It feels so good to look in the mirror and see myself again and actually feel completely content and confident in my body.

#Self care #personal growth #fibromyalgia #emotional abuse #childhood trauma #abuse survivor #trauma #Nervous system #healing #Stress #Medical trauma

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sometimesiwritethings · 2 years ago

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Lost in Adaptation | Arisu's Lack of Ambition

when i first found Alice in Borderland (Aib) on Netflix, the second season hadn't even officially been announced yet. so after binge watching the first season, i stayed up the whole night to binge read all 65 chapters of the manga online. then i forced my roommate to rewatch the first season with me the next day

digesting the series this way gave me a lot of insight to how the live action adaptation differs from the original manga. in a lot of ways, i consider the adaptation to be the better version - and i don't recommend fans of the live action read the manga for... various reasons i'll get into in another post down the line

but... the original manga contains a lot of extra insight into the characters that i believe is crucial to fully appreciating the AiB series as a whole. for that reason, i'm staring this Lost in Adaptation mini series to explore all the differences in the live action for those who haven't, can't, or simply don't want to read the manga. and what better place to start than with the titular character: Arisu

in the real world, Arisu is a slacker with zero motivation or ambition outside of playing video games. he's a disappointment to his father and is made to look even worse when compared to his successful younger brother, Hajime. the Netflix adaptation doesn't really explore why Arisu behaves this way, but the manga gives plenty of insight towards the thought processes and real world lives of the characters

Arisu's mother passed away at an early age, leaving his father to raise two young boys on his own. instead of rising to the challenge, Arisu's father becomes bitter and takes his grief out on his sons

while Arisu's father comes off as cold and distant in the Netflix series, he straight up verbally and emotionally abuses Arisu for years. nothing Arisu does is ever good enough for his father. there's even an instance where his father actively sabotages Arisu's musical pursuits when it distracts too much from his studies

side note - i also think Arisu's brief musical background is part of why he believed he and Kyūma could have been best friends if they'd met in the real world

this level of childhood abuse is more than enough to explain Arisu's lack of ambition in life, but it goes deeper. Arisu's specialty in the Borderlands is as a Hearts player. he understands how social pressure and emotions can be used to manipulate others, and he learned this from how he was pitted against his brother, Hajime

at some point, Arisu decided that the only way to win his father's game was to not participate at all. because even if Arisu did manage to gain his father's approval, it'd negatively impact Hajime and wouldn't feel much like a victory at all. so Arisu slips into the role of a slacker and plays his part perfectly

this also explains why Arisu has so much animosity towards the game creators (especially Mira, the Queen of Hearts), and why he'd try to drop out of the Seven of Hearts game to save his friends

thankfully, Arisu manages to take his trauma and use it to his advantage in Borderland. one of Arisu's biggest strengths as a player is that he always manages to turn his weakness into a strength

thanks so much for reading! this is my first AiB related post, but please follow me to get updated when the next post drops, or feel free to check out my masterlist if you're interested in reading more of my content. and before you go, please vote let me know which installment of Lost in Adaptation you'd like to read next~

#alice in borderland #imawa no kuni no arisu #arisu ryohei #arisu #character analysis #tw: emotional abuse #tw: verbal abuse

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moonspower · 1 year ago

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✨ warm and wild—both sides of the moon.

oh babey, this post right here:

hm. i think every time i feel an impulse to people please, to be unproblematic and likable and charming and feel the safety that comes with universal adoration, i need to remind myself that i want to be loved like a person, not like a dog.

this feels like the breakthrough that virote had in like early 2018 when he realized that he didn't want to be deemed likeable or acceptable by anyone. it felt like a cop out for developing into a complex person of his own resolve and also he realized that he was trying to make himself likeable in his early 20s because he was trying to make up for his rocky childhood and the violence he endured in his first and only romantic relationship as a teen.

and of course he's always wanted to remain compassionate and kind, also realizing that this didn't mean he had to be perpetually well-behaved and quiet or even good. virote knows he can be troublesome and bratty and messy and vulgar, he knows that! and he's still got a lot of heart. those he loves, he loves deeply and dearly... to a point where there's claw marks because he holds on so tight. and his life work in his career makes a positive change in the world, he's proud of it too. even though his mental illnesses and traumas put a damper on his approach to people in his personal life and they make him incredibly difficult sometimes...

... he's not going to make himself into an easily digestible, half-assed facsimile just for the sake of optics. virote's given himself to gift to just be. if he has nothing else in the world, at least he has that going for him. how that being is interpreted is outta his hands and he forreal just does not care. just don't get it twisted and make shit up because of a shallow misunderstanding of who he is and what he represents and what he wants, though. that's when he puts you in your place.

#🌙 ABOUT! CANCERIAN SUN SHINING IN THE EVENING.#/ vi vc: if you don't like me Just Die then.

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devilsflowermantis · 1 year ago

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i think i understand finally why i was so sick in 2020. i’ve realized i had POTS/CFS for years before my diagnosis, even before 2020. i have severe sensory problems because i’m autistic, and it puts stress on my nervous system 24/7, which i think has permanently changed my nervous system and how it processes pain and stress. plus a lot of childhood trauma, and i was still processing a traumatic event from a couple years prior (and being autistic, it takes longer for my brain to process that sort of thing). add that to the fact i got covid early on and developed long covid (and started having seizures and delirium, my pots symptoms got much much worse, my digestive system was destroyed (i couldn’t eat bc of how sick it’d make me and lost 30 lbs in under half a year))…. and a family member of mine was dealing with stress from the pandemic as well and became really abusive towards me (it’s all good now though). the amount of stress on my mind and body sent me into a psychosis. my body was in constant fight or flight and i was having 5 severe panic attacks a day. the exhaustion mentally and physically destroyed me emotionally. i’m so glad i’m not there anymore. i still don’t ever feel “normal” but i’m so much better than i was…

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andrea--hamilton · 2 years ago

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Andrea Williams Hamilton

Full name: Andrea Maureen Williams-Hamilton

Nicknames: Andi, Your majesty.

Date of birth: May 15th, 1982 ( 41 )

Occupation: Journalist, Editor & Chief

Children: Noah ( 26 ) Christina ( 21 ) James ( 8 ) Expecting twins

Relationship status: Married to @christian-hamilton

Car pool mom, school volunteer

Friendly, compassionate, guarded, clumsy, hoplessly in love with her kids and fiance

Quiet by nature, fierce when angry, foodie,

Loves to read, knit and is a worthy scrabble opponent, loves tea, hates the feeling of sand in her clothes.

Still has a stuffed turtle Christian won her at the seaside carnival the summer they met.

Andrea wears her heart on her sleeve, always ready and willing to help a stranger. She comes from a wealthy back ground but ties with her parents years ago as they didn’t approve of her fiancé. She works very hard for all she has. She’s a journalist of the local news; a loving mother of soon to be three and adores her fiancé and siblings. She re-proposed to Chris on their most recent anniversary via a scavenger hunt with some of their favorite literary works. Recently; they finally able purchased their dream fixer upper and are moving forward with planning a wedding years in the making all while digesting the news they are expecting another child in their early forties. Life for the Williams-Hamilton crew is never dull. Their story isn’t conventional. It’s full of a lot of hardship and loss, but above all else; so much love.

TW: pregnancy, birth, childhood trauma, death, missing persons.

The oldest child of lawyer John Lionel Millington and his wife Kathryn, a former celloist who taught lessons, Andrea was bread to be an ideal daughter, with that came a never ending pressure to please her parents. She felt like a puppet on parade at social events growing up. Not a hair out of place, or an uncouth act. Her parents kept her extremely sheltered and structured with piano lessons and studying, leaving little room for her to step a toe out of line. It was discovered after her mother’s death that she had a older sister, half belonging to her father. Her mother had died and so she came to live with them.

Her favorite pass time apart from her sister was losing herself in a book. She found solace in the warn pages, her mind venturing off on grand adventures she longed to take but never would. Her parents had done a good job of snuffing out any big ideals the girl had. She felt trapped, unable to go against them. Her life was a comfortable but lonely, and mundane in existence. She had little friends outside of her family’s circle. Her first taste of freedom came when she began her Cotillion course during the spring her junior year. For the first time in her life, she felt like she had true girlfriends and was able to have fun without her parents breathing down her neck. That summer while riding bikes along the shore with her new found friends her bike collided with a blue eyed boy she later deemed her Prince Charming. Her bike was busted from taking the ditch and they both ended scuffed up but thankfully it was all superficial. . Mortified; she tended to his injuries and offered to buy him ice cream to soften the blow before making sure he got home okay. That night she didn’t know it; but she’d found her soul mate, thus beginning the long journey that would be their lives. They would tell story of how they met children at bedtime and the kids thought their love one to rival story books; how against all odds they have made it and we’re still going strong over twenty years later. His name was Christian and he was in town for the summer with his family, a couple years her senior. Within the first week she was in love with him and she spent every waking moment she could with him. The two continued a secret romance on through the rest of summer and she invited him to dance with her at her coming out ball. They were opposites; she a quite soft spoken dreamer and he was bad boy with rough edges. That didn’t scare her though. Her father of course didn’t approve of her dating a boy with a troubled past; and his dad had hated her from the start which meant she had to sneak around and creative.

The summer ended and he left; leaving an ache in her heart. Being away from him was terrible; but they called and wrote keeping up with each others lives; planning for their future together. She was proud of him for turning a new leaf and going to school, he had such potential and she was always there to cheer him on. As the summer turned to fall she discovered she was pregnant with his child. Scared and unsure of what to do, she hid it, hoping to figure out a plan of action in order to keep thier baby. Her father was a cruel man, her mother was dead. Her father only cared about his reputation in town, not about his daughters. She was planning on turning to her sister for help but before she could a cruel school pitted her to her father. He was furious, and dismissed all rumors. He pulled her from school for the second half and told everyone she had gotten injured skiing that winter. Her letters to CJ stopped abruptly though when her secret was discovered. Both fathers ensuring communication was several between the two teenagers and a plan was put into action.. Andi was kept on house arrest until she had the baby, a beautiful little boy whom she named Noah Landon after two of her favorite novels, the notebook and a walk to remember. He was forcibly taken from her and put up for adoption given she was a minor. It was devastating for her, and worse she had to return to life and school and pretend it never happened. The moment that she turned eighteen she took a bus to CJ. Abandoning everything but a few close personal possessions in the clothes on her back. She came to him hoping they could begin their lives together when she found out he was enlisting in the army. She suspected his father had something to do with it, and despite how handsome he was in uniform she wasn’t sure about it. Part of her was always terrified he wouldn’t come back. Still, she stuck by him, graduating with a degree in journalism and working near his base. She could never bring herself to tell him about their son though. It was too hard.

Finally, his contract was up and he’d be home for good. Right before leaving for his last mission he shocked her by proposing ; to which she told him it was about time and happy accepted and told him to hurry back so she could finally be Mrs. Hamilton. The next few weeks dreamed of their future children while thumbing through wedding magazines to get a head start on planning. A few weeks later she was shocked to discover she was pregnant. Ecstatic she wrote to him with the news; but no response came. She continued to write; sending updates and a sonograms thinking the mail was delayed; but weeks turned to months with no word or sign of his unit. It all felt like a bad dream. He was officially declared a missing person two months before she had their daughter who looked so much like him it hurt. She kept writing, and hoping against hope they’d find him alive. He couldn’t be gone. They had a child he needed to see; a life they’d planned for since they were lovesick teens. Eventually though, he was declared dead. Their was an honorable funeral with no body. She’d never made it down the aisle to be widowed. Her estranged father had disowned her, not that she cared, so she was on her own with a toddler. She clung to Chrissy like a lifeline; giving her all the love she could muster and vowing she’d know all about her father. She wasn’t ever convinced he was trulygone, believing she’d know in her heart if he really was. People called her crazy when she said it; or pitied her. His father tried to take her to court for custody of Chrissy, which was a horrible experience but she beat him. Like hell he’d get their baby. She had already lost one. The next few years felt like she was wading through water, she continued to search for leads and wrote to him as if he were still here. She wrote letters for chrissy too, should somethin ever happen to her. She moved back to Turtle bay; sharing a place with her older sister who helped with Chrissy. She’d call CJ's cell phone just to hear his voice on the voicemail, leaving him updates about Chrissy. Her first steps, forst lost tooth, sometimes a funny little story she'd told her sleepy eyed over breakfast. She was his little mini me, and each day andrea woke up grateful to have her. She refused to give up on CJ; on their love. Years later, she still wondered if it was that optimism and manifestation that kept him alive when he’s been a prisoner halfway across the world; thinking about her too. By some miracle, he escaped that hell and found his way back to her. She’d never forget getting a call from her sister to turn on the news. His own father hadn’t bothered calling her. She ran; lungs burning to catch the fastest plane with Chrissy and didn’t stop until she and their baby were both in his arms where they belonged. So began them getting reacquainted and picking up the pieces of their life together the best they could. He came back different, of course; how could he not? Chrissy Also struggled with adjusting to a father figure in the house, sharing her mother whom had been fully hers up until now. Andi loved them both dearly and did her best to help rebuild their relationship as a couple, a family, chrissy and him as father and daughter. Their son, little Jamie was a tell tale sign of their reconnection. He was born just shy four after Christen returned and the little family fell into place. It was important to andrea that they rebuilt thier bonds as a family of three before adding new members. The road there was bumpy though, and they never did quite get around to getting married. Andrea didn’t want to rush it until things felt right, until Christian adjusted and felt comfortable with who he was. Lffe also kept on going and with kids and work, things like planning a formal wedding fell on the back burner. Thier family came first, thier wants second. That dream wedding she always wanted became more of a dream than a priority.

Andrea now works as editor and chief of the local news. She re-proposed to CJ on their most recent anniversary via a scavenger hunt with some of their favorite literary works. Recently; they finally able purchased their dream fixer upper and had that dream wedding years in the making just a few months back, Kids and all. Now, they are busy digesting the news they are expecting twins in their early forties while also managing thier family. Life for the Hamilton crew is never dull. Their story isn’t conventional. It’s full of a lot of hardship and loss, but above all else; so much love.

WC’S

Family: Cousins, siblings

Friends/acquaintances/ co-workers

#{ Andrea Williams Hamilton }#tw child birth #tw pregnancy #tw death mention #tw childhood trauma #tw missing person #tw military #tw adoption #tw imprisonment

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chandaaa1 · 1 month ago

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The Lasting Impact: Understanding the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Trauma on Mental Health

Childhood trauma can leave an indelible mark on an individual's life, influencing their mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. The effects of trauma can persist long after the initial event, shaping the course of one's life.

What is Childhood Trauma?

Childhood trauma encompasses experiences that threaten a child's physical, emotional, or psychological safety, such as:

1.⁠ ⁠Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)

2.⁠ ⁠Neglect

3.⁠ ⁠Domestic violence

4.⁠ ⁠Bullying

5.⁠ ⁠Loss of a loved one

6.⁠ ⁠Natural disasters

Long-Term Effects on Mental Health

Untreated childhood trauma can lead to:

1.⁠ ⁠Anxiety Disorders: Fear, hypervigilance, and avoidance behaviors.

2.⁠ ⁠Depression: Mood disturbances, loss of interest, and suicidal thoughts.

3.⁠ ⁠Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Flashbacks, nightmares, and avoidance.

4.⁠ ⁠Substance Abuse: Self-medication to cope with emotional pain.

5.⁠ ⁠Personality Disorders: Difficulty with relationships, emotional regulation, and impulse control.

6.⁠ ⁠Dissociation: Disconnection from emotions, thoughts, or experiences.

Other Lasting Consequences

1.⁠ ⁠Difficulty with Trust: Struggling to form healthy relationships.

2.⁠ ⁠Emotional Dysregulation: Intense mood swings, irritability.

3.⁠ ⁠Cognitive Impairments: Memory, attention, and learning difficulties.

4.⁠ ⁠Physical Health Issues: Chronic pain, digestive problems, and compromised immune function.

5.⁠ ⁠Self-Esteem and Identity: Negative self-image, low self-worth.

Breaking the Cycle

1.⁠ ⁠Seek Professional Help: Therapy, counseling, or support groups.

2.⁠ ⁠Build a Support Network: Trusted friends, family, or mentors.

3.⁠ ⁠Practice Self-Care: Mindfulness, exercise, and relaxation techniques.

4.⁠ ⁠Reframe Negative Thoughts: Challenge distorted beliefs and attitudes.

5.⁠ ⁠Foster Resilience: Develop coping skills, problem-solving strategies.

Prevention and Early Intervention

1.⁠ ⁠Parent-Child Programs: Strengthening relationships, promoting healthy attachment.

2.⁠ ⁠School-Based Initiatives: Trauma-informed education, social-emotional learning.

3.⁠ ⁠Community Resources: Accessible mental health services, support groups.

4.⁠ ⁠Awareness and Education: Recognizing signs of trauma, promoting empathy.

Conclusion

Childhood trauma's impact on mental health is profound and lasting. However, with proper support, resources, and resilience, individuals can heal and thrive. By acknowledging the effects of trauma and promoting prevention, we can create a safer, more supportive environment for all.

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swhtslasher · 6 months ago

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controversial take for sys-tumblr but: endo systems aren't a thing.

I think that the normalization of being plural and the "internetification" has led to some misunderstandings as main-streaming and trending mental illness and disorders tend to do!

Now- if you believe yourself to be plural yet trauma-free I believe theres one of two things to this;

1) You are not privy to the trauma you have faced or are not understanding the trauma you faced AS trauma (so they are plural, but trying to make sense of Why they are plural while undergoing a mental block that allows them knowledge/understanding of the trauma that caused this)

2) They are misinformed and using dissociative disorder/system terminology to describe something similar.

Considering the amount of co-morbid disorders and overlapping symptoms that come from the inherent fluidity and individuality of people and their experiences, I believe that someone that claims to be and endogenic system and genuinely has not undergone the childhood/early developmental trauma that is necessary to develop a dissociative disorder of that variety could be under/misinformed and are not a DID/OSDD System- but simply have developed an unorthodox coping mechanism/habit!

I would also like to say- I am one man :) I do not believe myself to be more knowledgeable than a professional by any means!

But as someone who has undergone extreme childhood/early developmental trauma and has been experiencing lifelong troubles due to not understanding the effect it had on me and only now recognizing symptoms vs things i need to work on as a young adult I wanted to make this post!

None of this is to say that anyone that calls themselves plural (even someone that calls themselves endogenic/traumaless) should be put under a microscope to deduce if theyre "faking" or not! No one could possibly ever know that because you will never experience their life through their mind and body! But I personally believe that the "popularity" of "being a system" has caused a gross amount of misinformation and confusion as to what "being a system" is!

In a way: it's like when being gnc/nonbinary became... "popular" for lack of a better word! It caused many people to try and find a stereotype or label for it! Mental illness presents different in everyone, especially chronic and severe conditions. While symptoms are markers, no one is able to read someone's mind or know for certain what they are Really feeling unless they happen to be feeling the same thing! (even then the "same" thing is subjective)

Overall, if you call yourself plural, whether its a disorder or a coping mechanism, be conscientious and understanding of the effects you have on stigmatization if you are stating something as a fact.

And remember that you owe no one an easy to digest explanation of your trauma or resulting mental tolls its taken and that those tolls and traumatic events are also not a cure-all excuse to hurt those around you. (Spoken from guilty experience and years of learning from my mistakes.)

tldr; I hate system/OSDD/DID social media and and any mental illness social media >:( I believe it breeds dangerous misinformation

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thatsatricky1 · 10 months ago

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† 𝕽𝖊𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖇𝖚𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓 † Prologue

Synopsis: Y/n a once prodigy child, later on detective, finds herself working on the case of her brother’s murder, also a former detective himself. Leading down a long winding hole of crime, death, gore and mixed feelings she never thought would surface with all that was happening. Mixed feelings that should never even be entertained.

Pairing: Ateez Ot8 x AFAB (F) Reader

Genre: Crime, Horror, Mystery, Romance & Thriller.

Warnings: Death, dementia, family trauma, murder, serial killers.

Disclaimer: This does not depict an accurate picture of Ateez and this is strictly fantasy.

Word Count: 1,2k+

It had been exactly 273 days since my brother’s death. Nine months. Nine months of trying to figure out his unfair death. Then again it really only took a few weeks to understand how and why he’d died. I was apparently brighter than the general police and justice system. Though that is pretty easy to do these days because of the corruption that’s always lingering there, that’s just more common these days.

My parents knew I’d been ‘special’ since I was a child, having strived to put me through any and every course they could to continue my educational path to success. The only one who truly understood me was my older brother, having known even with my ability to learn at an incredible rate that I didn’t want to be overworked like a dog, to just live in the moment like a proper kid.

He’d always tried to get me out of things I didn’t want to do. It was fruitless as my parents ignored his arguments. Though his efforts were in vain I still appreciated it even if I’d just been a kid at the time. Appeasing my parents was easier than getting argued with day in and out.

Unfortunately or fortunately however one perceives it, my parents passed. One day they were there the next they were on the news, even made it on the newspaper. A dull car crash, a drunk driver on the other end. Of course it had hurt, they may have caused my childhood trauma but that didn’t mean I didn’t love them. It was hard to swallow, but with time we learned to live with it.

It was like whiplash. One moment I was getting hounded by my parents to do more, learn more, be better. The next, gone. My brother and I moved in with my grandparents at ages 17 and 14. They’d been a complete 180 compared to my parents, whether that be because of them wanting us to digest and find our way after our parents passing or just to let us be kids. Maybe even both.

It was refreshing not having to do everything, take everything in my own time. Get to do what other kids got to do. Though even with my parents gone, old habits die hard as after just one year I started to learn everything and anything again but this time of my own free will. This time only what I wanted to specifically learn.

Peace lasted for about three years. In the second year of living with our grandparents, we had to find a home for my grandmother. Dementia was different for everyone; some went years with a steady and slow decline but others declined much faster. My grandmother being the later option. It took only three months for her to decline so much to a point where she was just better off with 24/7 care by professionals even if none of us preferred that option.

Then in the third year of living there, my grandfather had two heart attacks, the first was okay. He’d ended up fine besides a contracted right arm, he’d always joked about it being fine since he was left handed. Though the second had been too much for him, having passed.

At that time my brother had turned 20 years old, having saved his money those three years and gotten a good job. I was 17 years old, already finished with school early and deciding what degree I wanted to go for. My grandfather was the sweet old man he’d always been, he’d written in his will that we got the house, much to my aunt’s misfortune and anger. The only thing he’d wished from us that we’d known from talks here and there was to look after our grandmother if anything happened to him, and that’s exactly what we did.

My brother somehow managed to become a detective, fairly quickly. He was also bright and learned fast, just differently. Shitty pay if you asked me, but it was enough to get us by, seeing as we already had a house without debt chasing us because our grandparents had paid off their house years ago, only having to deal with the bills like electricity, wifi, water, food ect.

I had many interests, hobbies and shit like that but ended up following in my brother's footsteps by also becoming a detective. Hence why I know about the shit pay. Easy job, more time for myself. I somehow ended up being my brother's apprentice working underneath him, some would say that is a conflict of interest. But it didn’t usually change much, other than him being over protective.

That’s where it leads to last year. My brother was freshly 23 and I was 20. I’d officially gained my job title and no longer worked under my brother, but beside him. Though we started to take on different cases. We would often help one another with certain cases, mainly him being nosy about mine.

That was until my brother died. He’d been working on a fresh case, barely seeing the light of day. Besides going out for our everyday lunch. When he didn’t show up on that Wednesday for lunch I knew something was wrong. It was the same day I found him.

Due to conflict of interest I was not allowed to investigate his death, nor was my department. The case was given to another department, who promptly gave a bullshit answer and tucked it away as if they didn’t know who I was, who his sister was. I didn’t make a scene or anything useless like that, instead putting my actual time to good use on my brother's case that I’d taken into my personal hands off record.

One thing you wouldn’t think was a thing, was the fact that Seoul had serial killers like no other. By the fact that they are all connected in a way. Besides here and there, those were the ones that easily got caught. It was laughable, the fact that serial killers had made their own organisation. Then again, why not.

I was thankful that I’d kept a low profile as a detective. I could have easily made a name for myself, but I didn’t. There was no need to act cocky and show off when I could quietly get my cases done and over with. This ended up good for me in the long run because no one would know me, suspect me as I solved my brother murder.

I know who killed him. I intended to act on it, and not in a legal way. But no one would know that. Though for the sake of my brother and the last case he was working on, I wasn't just going to take down his murderer, no. I was going to do much more than that if provoked. On one hand I want them to provoke me and on the other I just want to be done with it after these past nine months. It’s in their hands to see how they react to it.

Which leads to now, I will finally get justice for my brother passing. No one would get away with this. This will inflict retribution.

Chapter one

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