#me when crippling anxiety and paranoia

[biocrafthero]

I wanna throw in KT into the Sunger Games thing but I'm so afraid of people I'll probably hold off Ue

[servantofthefates]

How to Avenge Yourself with Tarot

My grandma taught me never to draw first blood. But that if a soul hurts me maliciously, the old gods will consider my vengeance an act of self-love.

Step 1: State your case.

In a dim, quiet, private place… shuffle your cards, as you recount to them every detail of how you were cruelly injured. As if writing in a diary, divulge aloud your agony. Let your heart fill with ache. Let your body swell with rage.

Step 2: Choose the punishment.

When your pain and fury are at their peak… find the card in the deck that in your soul you believe to fit the misdeed.

Death: Serious illness

The Devil: Emotional abuse

The Tower: Sweeping chaos

The Moon: Damaging secrets revealed

Five of Wands: Friends turning foes

Seven of Wands: Crippling stress

Nine of Wands: Paranoia

Ten of Wands: Bone fractures

Five of Cups: Bouts of depression

Two of Swords: Significant errors in judgement

Three of Swords: Sudden loss of love

Five of Swords: Defeat in competitions

Eight of Swords: Mental or physical imprisonment

Nine of Swords: Insomnia and anxiety

Ten of Swords: Festering cuts and bruises

Knight of Swords: Physical and verbal abuse

Five of Pentacles: Financial ruin

Step 3: Decide the duration.

Find a second card in your deck. Remember that even the smallest cut left unchecked can lead to death. So unless it is warranted… be fair and be prudent.

Ace of Wands: A few days

Ace of Swords: A week

Ace of Cups: A month

Ace of Pentacles: A year

Step 4: Carry out the sentence.

Hold both cards in your hands, with the punishment on top, and the duration behind it, hidden in the back.

Gaze at the card… and with every fiber of your being, imagine it moving.

If it is the Knight of Swords, watch him gallop on his way to cut your oppressor in half. If it is Death, see your oppressor lying lifeless by the Reaper’s horse. If it is the Ten of Swords, let your oppressor take the place of the corpse in the card. Watch their back ooze with blood from every wound, gash and slash.

Step 5: Let it go.

Your raw vulnerability in admitting your injury has connected you to the higher power you have faith in, be that the Universe or a deity.

They have heard your appeal, which will soon be fulfilled. Offer them your gratitude in advance. Your wounds are now in good hands.

It could take days… weeks… even longer. It will happen once your oppressor believes they have gotten away with bruising you. At that moment, a colossal flame will engulf their contentment. And you will know in your heart that the debt has been collected.

[urdepressedslut]

You’re Mine, Sunshine ❝part twelve❞

♡ Pairing: Grumpy!Bodyguard!Bucky Barnes x Sunshine!Fem!Reader

♡ Summary: Reality is hitting you as you, Bucky, Steve and his men all venture off to a secret safe house only Steve knows about. The events from the last couple of days are starting to hit you with a sickening force, leaving you weak and crippled.

♡ Warnings: language, angst, fluff, mentions of anxiety and panic attacks, sickness, paranoia, death threats, murderous thoughts, stalking, sam and bucky being absolutely my favs

series masterlist

Trope ⇢ Grumpy x Sunshine | Bodyguard!Au Mob!Au

It was almost taunting the way your fingertips thumped, the last skim of your fingers across the book spines in your library. You tried to think of this being bittersweet, but could only find the bitterness of the situation. You were being ripped from your home, because of your Father. You were being forced to flee your house because of his sick and twisted mind, somewhere in his head he thought he was doing right by going after you. You couldn't even stomach the thought for too long, the mere mention of your Father's hatred towards enough to send you into a spiral.

The outside world passed by through your unfocused gaze. The buildings lessening and the trees getting denser. You weren't for sure where you were headed, but as long as Bucky was the one guiding you there— you didn't care.

"Hey." Bucky's voice brought you back to reality.

The dark and suffocating thoughts floating away as his smooth voice broke through the haze. You took more time than usual, taking in his expression briefly before responding.

"Hi James." You whispered, scooting closer to his side, tightening your hold on his hand.

His face dropped, his eyes softening at your vulnerable state. He wrapped his arm around your frame, tucking you closer to his side. The warmth from his body heated your own, your heartbeat slowing almost immediately from the feeling.

"You doing alright?" He asked, his eyes not breaking from your face, trying to catch every twitch and shift in your expression.

You forced a smile that didn't quite reach your eyes and nodded regardless of your inner struggles.

"I'm hanging in there. How much longer?" You reassured him, sneaking a peak out the window, only to find the thick forest.

"Not too much longer. We're headed to a safe house— one that only Steve knows about." He told you.

You furrowed your brows in curiosity.

"You've never been there?" You asked him, and he shook his head.

"No, but the less people that know— the better. Your Father won't be able to find you there." He told you.

You nodded and turned back towards the window, rubbing your thumb over the metal ridges on his hand.

"You'll stay with me right?" You whispered, your doubts getting the best of you.

He gently grabbed your chin, turning you towards him. His eyes shined with intense passion, a strong sense of genuineness within them.

"The whole time. I'm not going anywhere, okay?" He promised and your anxieties vanished.

Your chest warmed comfortably, the safety he provided from his presence alone enough to calm you. You appreciated it greatly.

"Okay."

His eyes softened at your small voice, the urge to wrap you up in his arms overwhelming.

“C’mere.” He voiced, pulling you even closer.

You hugged around his body, burying your face into his chest. His body blocked you from the outside world, muting the chaos for a moment. It was peaceful and you felt powerful against him— like no one could hurt you.

The rumble of the car and Bucky’s heartbeat lulled you to sleep. There wasn’t a place you felt more comfortable in, than his arms. You couldn’t help but doze off with his arms caging you protectively.

~

“We’re here doll.” Bucky whispered, earning a sleepy groan from you.

You snuggled your face deeper into his body and had him chuckling, gently pulling you away from him, his metal hand smoothing down your now messy hair.

“You can sleep when we get inside, okay?” He told you, earning another incoherent groan.

You perked up, forgetting the situation completely in your dreamless sleep. You forgot for just a moment that your Father was practically hunting you. The whole mess crashes into you yet again, you weren’t tired anymore with the sudden sick feeling in your stomach. In fact, you tensed up— a wave of nausea approaching.

Without responding, you followed Bucky out of the car— hanging onto his arm. You weren’t sure if it was from nerves or the sudden dizzy spell that came over you.

You hoped it wasn’t a panic attack that your body was brewing.

Although you were new to these attacks, having gone most of your life without them— you couldn’t help but be terrified of them. The lack of control you had when one was happening, you were afraid of what would happen if you had a really severe one.

Your grip tightened on his arm and he glanced down at you, taking note of your unfocused wide eyes, face paling with a tinge of green.

He was immediately on edge, hurrying his steps up the cabin estate. It was a secluded wooden house in the middle of nowhere— it looked intimidating from the outside. The fear of being stranded present, but it was a safe house. He had to remind himself.

She was safe here. He told himself.

Steve entered the house first, you and Bucky following after— Steve’s men scoped the area, staying on alert for any danger.

“You guys will be safe here. The kitchen is stocked with food, as well as more food down in the basement.” He informed you two, although the way you were staring blankly ahead— Steve knew he was basically talking to Bucky.

Bucky furrowed his brows at the news that the kitchen was stocked— the basement too?

Steve seemed to read his mind.

“Have known about this place for awhile, just never knew I’d actually be using it. Asked my men to stock the place before we headed out here.” Steve said.

Bucky felt a wave of great appreciation flow through him, Steve was really doing the most and he was lucky to have him as a friend.

“Thanks man, we appreciate it.” He spoke for the both of you— to which you didn’t mind considering your lack of words.

“Just try and lay low— Pierce and Rumlow are going to be finding out that his daughter and her bodyguard are missing very soon— as well as the whole perimeter squad.” Steve told him, making fear bloom in his chest.

Bucky swallowed, knowing this was just the beginning.

“Where are you all going to be staying? You don’t seem to be eager in moving in.” Bucky wondered, noticing the lack of moving in that was happening.

Steve waved him off like it was no big deal.

“Truthfully, we all aren’t built for sleep.” He tried to joke. “We have a small shed just behind the house, that’s where we will be keeping our stuff. Where we will take cover if we need to— but otherwise we got a house to guard.”

Bucky nodded in appreciation again and a part of him wondered if Steve was trying to redeem himself after judging you all too quickly. Despite it being a shitty thing, he didn’t think Steve realized just how forgetting you were. You’d see Steve as a good man any day, even with his rough start.

“And you…” Steve said lastly, glancing down to you before back up to him, “You got a girl to protect.”

Steve reminded him that not only was he here with you willingly, he was also doing his job to protect you. Things were different now though, he was protecting you from the bottom of his heart— not for the man that hired him.

Bucky wanted to laugh at the irony of it all. He ended up having to protect you from the person that hired him to you.

Steve left without another word and it left Bucky alone with you. He found you rather quiet, clinging onto him with white knuckles as you continued to space out.

“Hey… (Y/n)…” Bucky got your attention, your eyes focusing on his.

He noticed you still had this sickly green to your usual healthy glow, his brows furrowed in concern.

“Doll, you okay? You look like you’re about ready to fall over.” He pointed out, making sure he worded it correctly.

You nodded slowly and wiped a hand across your clammy forehead, agreeing with him that you weren’t feeling too hot. You weren’t sure if this was anxiety or if you were coming down with something— either way you felt like shit.

“Yeah, I’m not feeling too good. Think I just need to lie down.” You mumbled, leaning into him as you felt yourself sway on the balls of your feet.

Bucky felt your weight press into him. He felt his heart twinge at the way your voice sounded so weak and unsure. He knew you had been through way more than anyone could handle in the last couple of days— but he couldn’t help but be angry for you. You deserved better and he would think that until the day came where you got the perfect life he knew you deserved.

“Okay, let’s get you to bed.” He told you softly.

You nodded weakly and closed your eyes as another dizzy spell passed through you, making you out all your weight on him. He didn’t hesitate scoop you up into his arms, in the moment worsening the dizzy spell— but after you settled into his arms, the feeling washed away slightly and you melted into his embrace.

“I got you, just close your eyes.” He whispered and you didn’t waste a second and followed his commands.

You were almost lulled to sleep by his strong heartbeat thumping against your cheek, the way his warmth eased the chills you felt.

He had made it to the bedroom, placing you down onto the queen sized bed gently, making sure to pull the blankets back before placing you in.

You didn’t even open your eyes and sent him a weak smile, grabbing onto his wrist before he could move away. Bucky smiled at your tiny hand gripping onto him.

“I’m going to get you some medicine doll, get you a glass of water. Okay?” He told you, his voice ever so soft when speaking to you.

You nodded and let go of his hand, letting it sit on your chest. Your head pulled to the side and your smile started to fade as your exhausted, stressed brain turned off.

Bucky let himself gaze down at you for another moment, getting lost in you. His mind swirled around you constantly and if he wasn’t thinking about you— he wasn’t thinking at all.

He left quietly after he noticed you were out. You needed the rest— considering you’d be up tossing and turning later. His heart hurt for you, all you had to go through recently.

Exiting the room, and shut the door and glanced the the left— noticing Sam standing there.

“Brought some goodies.” He announced and it was then Bucky glanced down at his arms.

He was holding a little bowl of soup and had a glass of water and pills in his other hand. Bucky wipes the annoyed expression off his face and for the first time— appreciated Sam being here. Although he wouldn’t admit that.

“Thanks.” He said quietly, taking the goodies out of his hands.

Sam kept a smirk on his face, but it wasn’t his usual teasing one. It was soft and kind.

“You guys are adorable.” Sam said.

Bucky looked at him with an angry squinted expression, so many words on the tip of his tongue but he held himself back.

Sam wanted to laugh at Bucky’s wild expression but waved him off and held back his giggles.

“I overheard you talking to her. No judgement here— I think it’s sweet you actually are nice to someone.” Sam jabbed, and Bucky rolled his eyes.

Of course Sam had to give a compliment while still messing with him— all in one go.

“Okay well, try not to be a creep next time.” Bucky muttered lowly.

“Hey! I was dropping some much needed supplies off— so you’re welcome.” Sam added. turning and walking away, down the stairs to the living space.

Bucky sent one last glare his way until he was out of view. Somewhere deep down in his grumpy soul— he appreciated Sam.

Ew... he hated even thinking the thought.

Shaking his head clear, he headed back inside to you. He was surprised to find you sitting up and leaning back against eh headboard— last he saw you, you were out cold. While he was happy to see your eyes, he hated the way they were so dull. Your whole being looking mentally exhausted— and he wished he could take it all away.

"Hey, you can sleep if you want. I'll stay here with you." He reminded you, thinking that maybe you woke up and panicked that he wasn't there.

You nodded and scooted over, patting the spot next to you.

"Lay with me?" You asked, your voice hoarse and tired.

He softened his gaze, and placed the supplies down and quickly got in bed with you. Slipping off his shoes and jacket before cuddling up next to you.

"Thank you James. I don't know what I'd do without you." You whispered, laying against his chest while he looped his arms around you— holding you close.

"You don't even have to think about that possibility, because I'm never gonna leave you (Y/n)." He whispered back, smoothing your hair down and rubbing your back soothingly.

"I know you won't... but my Fath— Pierce may split us apart." You voiced your fear.

It happened to be Bucky's too, with th way his arms tightened around you protectively. He just couldn't bear that thought for too long or he'd start to panic. He knew it was smart to digest the thought because it was very much possible— which was terrifying.

"He can try." Was the only thing Bucky could come up with.

But it seemed to bring massive comfort to you, as you hugged him tighter, burying your face into his chest and lulling off to sleep without another word. He breathed in your scent, relishing the way your body was fitting perfectly against his. In different circumstances, he'd be at ease— but the anxiety always ate away at him with the threat over your head.

He only assumed the fury that would ignite the second Pierce noticed you were gone. It made him shiver.

~

Pierce stood in your bedroom, holding up a dainty frame— a picture and you and your Mother inside. His lip snarled and twitched at the sight, the way his heart started to pound— his vision turning red.

Pierce yelled out, throwing the picture frame across the room— the delicate piece shattering against the grooved wall. The pieces scattered amongst the room, the high pitched trickle of wood and glass fading away. The only sound left in the room was his heavy breathing.

The door clicked open and shut, and without turning around— Pierce could tell who it was just by the footsteps.

“Seems we have a runaway on our hands.” Rumlow acknowledged.

Pierce scoffed, struggling his posture and fixing his suit and tie, adjusting his cuffs back to normal after his outburst.

“Ungrateful little bitch thinks she can hide from me— run from me.” He muttered under his breath.

“Seems we’ve got some traitors too. Didn’t know Rogers had it in him to go against you like that.” He pointed out, only making Pierce shake his head in betrayal and anger.

“Should’ve known Rogers would stick by Barnes— two were close before working for me. I knew that and still took a chance.” He voiced his frustration.

Rumlow nodded his head, remembering Bucky all too well— so many memories he loved to look back on. Although he couldn’t say the same about Bucky.

“Overall— I wouldn’t worry sir,” Rumlow started, holding onto Pierce’s shoulder with confidence, “I’m always down for a hunt.”

Pierce and Rumlow smirked at each other before breaking into an evil laugh, both of their sick and twisted minds coming together to bring you hell.

Pierce wondered how long you could stay hidden, and he couldn’t wait for the day he found you. Ending things once and for all.

His dear beloved daughter.

< TAGLIST IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED >

[crippled-native]

I would love for abled bodied people to stop appropriating physical disability language to describe mental disabilities. Yes, anxiety, depression, ADHD, autism (all of which I have btw) are debilitating, but they are not the same as physical disabilities, and it is ableist to use the term crippled and crippling to describe mental conditions. you are not crippled unless you are physically disabled. it’s also ableist and harmful to blind/Deaf/HoH/visually or auditory impaired/paralyzed ppl for people without these conditions to use terms like “time blind” “deaf” “adhd paralysis” etc. these terms have actual meanings and contexts that matter. Stop speaking over physically disabled ppl when we call it out, and stop derailing physical disability issues and centering your able bodied feelings. I deal with CPTSD, cluster A and B PDs and OCD causing paranoia and delusions, agoraphobia etc, and that makes it hard for me to leave my house. However, it’s not the same fucking thing as my PoTS physically disabling me from leaving my house because the heat will make me violently ill. physically and mentally disabled people share many struggles but we also have many differences and speaking over us and centering yourself in our issues and spaces is harmful and antithetical to disability liberation.

[thelemoncoffee]

there's something so funny to me about saiouma in soulmate aus where soulmates have some sorts of indicator that lets them know what emotion their other half is feeling at any given time.

reason being is because of the emotional states of these two idiots. Shuichi has crippling anxiety, Kokichi crippling paranoia- and both are stressed, depressed, and repressed. in an au where they have mood-rings or can sense when the other is in distress it'd be like "man my soulmate is either in constant danger or is just as emotionally fucked as me, and i'm too afraid to ask which"

they are complete and utter messes your honor

[magiccath]

Doctor Who (Taylor's Version)

The Doctors (9-14) as Taylor Swift albums, songs, and lyrics

9: reputation

Dark and brooding on the surface, but really just a big softie. 9 looks like a meanie, but he’s actually one of the softest Doctors.

Simultaneously LWYMD, This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things, and End Game. 

“I’m sorry, the old Doctor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh! Cause he’s dead!” 

“For all my flaws, paranoia, and insecurities. I've made mistakes, and made some choices that's hard to deny” 

“Reputation precedes me, they told you I'm crazy. I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me

“And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for. King of my heart, body and soul”

10: Speak Now

Dreamly, love-struck, and fairy-tale like. 10 is a lover and romantic first and foremost. But also, he definitely gets breakup songs written about him…

Timeless, Electric Touch, Enchanted, Our Song, and Dear John

“And, somehow, I know that you and I would've found each other. In another life, you still would've turned my head” 

“All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life. Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life”

“I've been left in the rain lost and pining. I'm tryin' hard not to look like I'm trying ‘cause every time I tried hard for love, it fell apart”

“I was enchanted to meet you” 

11: Lover

Bright, bubbly, and happy. But oh wait! Anxiety! Crippling self doubt!

Cruel Summer, Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Prince, Paper Rings, False God, Afterglow.

“And I snuck in through the garden gate every night that summer just to seal my fate”

“He looks up grinning like a devil”

“It's you and me, that's my whole world”

“You play stupid games you win stupid prizes” 

“I lived like an island, punished you with silence”

“It’s all me in my head”

12: Midnights

Older, but not always wiser. We’ve learned a few life lessons and grown, but we’re still the same sad anxious ball we used to be.

Anti-hero, You’re on Your Own, Kid, Vigilante Sh*t, and Dear Reader

“I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser”

“I’m a monster on the hill. Too big to hang out, slowly lurching towards your favoratie city”

“It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me”

“I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this”

“Lately I've been dressing for revenge”

“If it feels like a trap, you're already in one”

“Never take advice from someone who’s falling apart” 

13: 1989

It’s time to have some fun with our friends and enjoy life! Except, we’re still sad? I

Know Places, Say Don’t Go, Wonderland, Clean, and Bad Blood

“I know places we can hide”

“I would stay forever if you say, "don't go" But you won't”

“You held on tight to me 'cause nothing's as it seems”

“When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe and by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean”

“You forgive, you forget, but you never let it go”

“Was it over then? And is it over now?”

14: folklore

Just a lonely little bean who has a lot of feelings. After numerous regenerations, the Doctor finally shows some emotional vulnerability!

The 1, cardigain, my tears ricochet, this is me trying, epiphany, and peace. 

“I had this dream you’re doing cool sh*t, having adventures on your own” 

“But we were something, don't you think so?”

“You drew stars around my scars, but now I'm bleedin'”

“Tried to change the ending…” 

“I didn't have it in myself to go with grace 'cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave”

“I just wanted you to know that this is me trying”

“Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?” 

[firegirl888101]

what's the next story gonna be about? (sorry if it sounds like I'm asking for spoilers, I'm just really curious)

I was looking through my inbox and thought I'd answer this quickly before I go to bed. (I'm not even halfway through my exams and I want to kill myself - the stress is unreal)

ANYWAY

This was asked back in January. JANUARY. I am so sorry to everyone who's requested something, the earliest is from November last year 😭

I think this is referring to when I hinted at possibly making another Sagau fic. There are plans for another, but that will be planned and written after I finish writing Insatiable Madness and its sequel, take a break by writing about Hazbin Hotel, and then have a good nap.

I guess I could say that whilst the Harbingers will be mentioned throughout the story, they will not be the love interests. The Archons though... ohohoh, they will have a much more important role to play. + Neuvilette, because he's my husband. I love dragons :3

I haven't decided whether I want the reader to travel with the traveler (who will be Lumine because Aether is the canon one in IA.) or if I want the reader to have their own goals for moving from nation to nation. Either way, they will be travelling for plot reasons and for character development reasons.

It will most likely be the former of two ideas since it's the easiest to explain and write, but I want to be different and try to write a whole different angle. But would people be okay with that? I can understand that most people read fanfictions for the fictional characters, not the Y/N's. Hell, I do simply because it's fun to imagine a character never seen before in a world you know and love 🤷‍♀️

I am so tired, I need to revise more quotes for my english lit exam.

'IS THIS ANXIETY I FEEL BEFORE ME? THE CRIPPLING PARANOIA TOWARD MY MIND?'

(is this a dagger which I see before me? The handle towards my hand?)

Okay I'm seriously posting this now, I love Shakespeare because the majority of his plays are funny lol. I'm tired don't judge me.

[unnervinglyferal]

I got a brain injury in 2017 and I’m only now getting it looked at because the hospital diagnosed me with a “minor concussion” and gave me a single day off school and sent me on my way (incompetent fucks). I was unable to stay awake for more than a couple hours a day for several weeks and of those weeks, I have a lot of gaps in my memory. I had just gotten out of an abusive home and I wasn’t in any place to advocate for myself in the nightmare that is the American healthcare system, so that was just sorta that.

I knew SOMETHING happened because once I was well enough to stand and think snd do stuff, I was a VERY different person. I used to be very high energy all the time, massive extrovert, ready to talk to anyone all the time. And then suddenly I didn’t. I was tired a lot. Suddenly I had to deal with crippling anxiety and agoraphobia and paranoia and a bunch of other Issues(tm) both physical and mental.

It wasn’t till I met someone who used to work with Traumatic Brain Injury patients, that I realized it might be useful to get that shit looked at now. But I still didn’t really want to, because going to a doctor might make it real. It meant I’d have to admit that I actually had a serious injury instead of just pretending I had a “minor concussion”. It wasn’t till I saw your blog and read your posts and you talking about your own brain injury that I was willing to start talking to doctors and make it real so to speak.

You humanized it in a way that I very much needed. “brain injury” isn’t a spooky scary thing on tv and in movies, its just something Feral deals with. And Feral deals with a lot of shit.

People have really specific ideas about what "brain damage" means. They hear the words and immediately think you got bonked in the head and now you're some dangerous unhinged lunatic that can't be trusted not to kill for no reason, or a complete vegetable that just sits and drools.

I don't tell people that I have it firsthand, I'll just explain it when I absolutely need to. Then I can just explain that I don't see properly on my left side, or that I can get lost indoors in a 3-room apartment. People apparently tend to go "oh, I couldn't even tell" like it's a surprise that someone with an injury on the brain could just be someone normal.

People with brain injuries are just normal people, but with a brain injury.

[gloryundimmed]

@astarablaze Continued from here.

Since the first day he met Loux, his insecurity had grown like a brain-eating bacteria, starting as minimal irritation when the blond was too busy for him. Slowly, over months spent with Loux that ascertained him in a prominent position in his life, it ballooned into crippling anxiety. Paranoia. The one person who had ever meant anything to the hitman wasn't spending time with him, wasn't talking to him, wasn't even coming over and getting high or fucking him like he usually would. It didn't take much for Kai's poisoned mind to jump to conclusions.

He's found someone else. He has no interest in me anymore. I knew this would happen. No one in this universe would find someone like me worth it.

It was incredible, though. Even as he confronted Loux and fought with him, found himself pinned to the floor, nearly getting choked, the violence felt so good. Every second of adrenaline and physical contact with the blond was perceived by his brain as pure pleasure, hot pins and needles of a powerful hormone injecting themselves into his bloodstream— oxytocin. Fuck. Every touch, every conversation, every drug-ridden afterglow, every dangerous situation undertaken together, every violent moment, he was glad to exist in his boyfriend's gaze, if even for just for mere fleeting seconds.

So, the way his hands firmly gripped Loux's wrists was not to deter him from the action of choking him, but instead to assure him it was okay.

If you want me dead, it's okay. But only if it's you.

A death by Loux's hands would be one of the happiest this world could offer. To die in his arms would be such a wonderful way to die. It would be a death at the hands of his partner, the ying to his yang and the only one who truly understood him. The only one who had accepted him— every murderous, fucked up piece— and loved him for them, not despite them. After sharing a life with Loux, he could not imagine one without him. So if the blond was going to leave him, Kai would wholeheartedly accept his desire to kill him.

But— those stormy eyes, those grey vortexes of violent lightning and rain, gazed down at him with something different than a desire to kill. 'Don't be stupid,' he said. Then... 'I love you'. Twice.

Fiery golden eyes widened, and his grip on Loux's wrists weakened. Hearing the blonde say that if he died, he might as well be dead, too, caused tears to gather in his eyes that he barely noticed. Like this, underneath his boyfriend's warmth and body weight, he couldn't say he ever loved him more. The way he expressed his guilt and his apology ran deeper than just words. It was written in every action and emotion on his face as he spoke.

"Loux, babe..." His voice was low and tender, emotion choking him up. He hadn't found someone else. Somehow, his boyfriend still wanted him, wanted to live with him and sleep with him and trip with him and fuck shit up with him. The way his words silenced the insecurity in his mind was like a fucking miracle. All he wanted now was to be closer to Loux. Impossibly close, so close they would never be apart.

His hands rose to find a home in the messy blond hair he adored for the way it mirrored Loux's wild nature, much like his own, and brushed it away from his stunning grey eyes. "I love you so, so fucking much." The hitman wrapped his legs around his boyfriend's waist and began grinding against him.

"Fuck me, baby, fuck me so hard that you become part of me." he breathed, bringing the blond down for a passionate kiss. "Show me you won't leave."

[beardedcomputergardener]

Tup: Physically, yes, I could fight a bird. But emotionally? Imagine the toll.

Hunter: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?

Echo: Have everyone stand.

Tech: Bring three more chairs!

Wrecker: The most important ones can sit down.

Crosshair : Kill three.

Hunter: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me?

Echo: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it.

Hunter: Three of us saw it, Echo. How do you explain that?

Echo: *points at Tech* Sleep deprivation. *points at Wrecker* Paranoia. *points at Crosshair * Delusional personality disorder.

Hunter: I’m an idiot.

Echo:

Tech:

Wrecker:

Crosshair :

Hunter:

Echo: If you’re waiting for us to disagree, this is going to be a long day.

Hunter: What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Echo: 'Prettiest Smile'

Tech: 'Nicest Personality'

Crosshair: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'

Wrecker : 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

Hunter: What does 'take out' mean?

Echo: Food.

Tech: Dating

Wrecker: Murder

Crosshair : IT CAN MEAN ALL THREE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD.

Tech: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends.

Echo: ... You're what?

Tech: My friends.

Hunter: Are they saying “friends”?

Wrecker: I think they're being sarcastic.

Crosshair : No, no, no, this is delirium, they've cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Tech! All of your friends are in this room.

Tech: I have other friends! You asked me to make new friends, I made new friends! It was a task. I complete tasks.

Mayday: Crosshair, stop! This isn't you, you've gone mad with power!

Crosshair: Well of course I have.

Crosshair: Have you ever tried going mad without power?

Crosshair: It's boring.

Crosshair: I turned out perfectly fine!

Mayday: Crosshair, this morning you thought a ghost made your toast

Crosshair: I DIDN’T PUT THE BREAD IN! YOU DIDN’T PUT THE BREAD IN!!!

Crosshair: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.

Mayday: You and me!!!

Crosshair, tearing up: Okay.

Crosshair: Mayday and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's-

Mayday: Sentences.

Crosshair: Don't interrupt me.

Crosshair: English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Mayday: You need to stop.

Nolan addressing the squad: And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box.

Crosshair: But – that’s just a trash can.

Nolan: It sure is!

Crosshair: If you had to choose between Mayday and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

Nolan: That depends, how much money are we talking about?

Mayday: Nolan!

Crosshair: 63 cents.

Nolan: I'll take the money.

Mayday: NOLAN!!!

Crosshair: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life

Tech: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Crosshair: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Mayday: wow

Crosshair: Would you stab your best friend in the leg for 10 million gold?

Tech: You stab me, and then when my leg gets better, we buy a house.

Mayday: You can stab me too, then we'll have 20 million.

Tech: Good thinking.

Crosshair: So, what, now I’m just supposed to do anything that Tech does? I mean, what if they jumped off a cliff?

Mayday: If Tech were to jump off a cliff, they would’ve done their due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Tech jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.

Tech: I really like this whole ‘good guy, bad guy’ thing you guys have going on.

Crosshair: It’s not an act, it’s just that I’m mean and Mayday isn’t

Crosshair: Don't worry, I got a plan.

Tech: Alright.

Crosshair: TraitorSayWhat?

Hemlock: Excuse me?

Crosshair: What?

Tech:

Crosshair:

Crosshair: No wait-

Crosshair: *Screams*

Hunter: *Screams louder to assert dominance*

Echo: Should we do something?!

Tech, observing: No, I want to see who wins this.

Tech: Did you know you remind me of all 26 letters of the alphabet?

Phee: What?

Tech: like, U R A Q T.

Phee: Awwww!

Phee: You believe me?

Tech: Phee, you’re the last good person on this planet. I‘d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

Kidnapper: I have your partner.

Tech: What? I don't have a partner...

Kidnapper: Then who just spit in my face?

Tech: Oh my gosh, you have Phee.

Phee: What the hell were you thinking?

Tech: I heard releasing birds at a wedding is romantic!

Phee: You released OSTRICHES!

Tech: Wait, you like me? For my personality?

Phee: I know, I was surprised too.

Phee: Tech told me that brown is just navy orange, and I have never been more disappointed with something I agree with.

Phee: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.

Tech: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*

Phee: That one. I want that one.

Phee: So I was just having a conversation with Tech about Star Wars; particularly, about the choice of architecture. The amount of people who die from falling down bottomless pits is TOO HIGH! Like, who designs architecture like this? Catwalks with no guard rails whatsoever, just zigging and zagging through enormous voids. Giant holes to nowhere!

Tech: It's by design. It's a cleaner look, for a more elegant time.

Phee: Like... who put this hole here???? And why????

Tech: Exhaust?

Phee: Darth Maul falls down a hole, Palpatine falls down a hole, Solo falls down a hole, everyone falls down a hole! Star Wars universe needs OSHA.

Tech: Luke falls down a hole, Boba Fett falls down a hole…

Phee: Yes, yes, I forgot about those! R2-D2 falls down a hole in the Millenium Falcon after he fixes the hyperdrive.

Tech: We're onto something here!

Phee: Obi-Wan almost falls down a hole.

Tech: C-3PO falls off the barge into the sand. Pretty close to falling down a hole.

Phee: His lightsaber does though.

*Tech thinks hard about what other Star Wars Characters fall down holes*

Phee: What if the hole is symbolic? The hole represents the dark side.

Tech: Nah, doesn't work. Luke chooses to fall down the hole instead of joining Vader/The Dark Side.

Phee: Fair point.

Phee: Did you buy eggs like I asked?

Tech: Even better!

Phee: What did you-

Tech: *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy.

Tech: What’s your favorite color?

Phee: Stop asking stupid questions. Ask me something logical and mature.

Tech: How many moles of sodium bicarbonate are needed to neutralize 0.8ml of sulfuric acid at STP?

Phee: My favorite color is pink.

Tech: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake.

Phee : Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear.

Tech: ...

Tech: You mean ring bearER, right?

Phee : ...

Tech: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

Hewwo!

I can't feel nothing but anger and anxiety lately. I have diagnosed with bipolar depression but pills doesn't work.

Also I'm self diagnosed aspd, our psychologists know shit about aspd, they little know about bpd but in a worst way.

Do you have any suggestion for self control?

hewwo! i will do my best to help without knowing your exact situation but heres some stuff that ive picked up over the years ive spent being alive

first off. if you are actively in a horrible situation (being abused, shitty workplace etc) there is nothing i can do for you. there is no treatment in the world that can override the fight-or-flight reflex of actively being in danger. i learned this the hard way- i was only able to really start healing from my ptsd once i moved away from my parents and wasnt, yaknow, getting more ptsd. which extends to the personality disorders i got from being abused as an extension of said ptsd

HOWEVER there might be things that minutely help- this stuff is gonna be a bigger help once you're out of said horrible situation (if you're in one) but sometimes things that help, help

self control wise: here's a little trick: PEMDAS that shit. do you catastrophize because of your anxiety? well, that's whats gonna keep your aspd in check.

is this a particularly healthy piece of advice to give? probably not. but we're working with what we've got here. its kind of like chemotherapy: blasting someone with radiation isn't healthy per se, but it gets rid of a worse thing, and once the worse thing is gone Then you can work on healing from the chemo itself

not to say that aspd is akin to cancer, because it isn't. but hey that makes our work here much easier!

FOR EXAMPLE: when i was a teen, i had some pretty insanely strong urges to steal. i was also afraid of the cops, and had really bad surveillance paranoia. i knew that stealing would be a bad idea, because if i got caught, it'd be hell to pay at home. so what did i do? let my anxiety and paranoia run wild and free!

i wanted to steal? well, i'm always being watched, which means everyone's gonna see that i stole, which means the cops are gonna come after me, which means my mom is gonna find out, which means im gonna go to jail, which means even after i get out my mom will isolate me Even More for being a criminal, and scream at me about how i'm dangerous. and that made me so scared that i didnt do it!!

i wanted to physically attack my mom? well okay i knew she was too much of a pussy to call the cops on me and i was already being isolated so it was a dick tits whatre you gonna do cancel us some more kinda situation

if you dont know what im talking about: youre welcome

hope that cheered you up a little

i use this nowadays for holding myself back from detroit becoming violent: the cops will be here and i will go to jail for So Many Years and im crippled i would not do well in jail ill get sicker and sicker

so kind of like that?

if the self control relates to worrying that you'll hurt someone you care about, try and remind yourself that your relationship with them could suffer or become completely shattered if you did smth stupid out of anger

also: i saved this for last because it doesnt answer your question in particular, but id advise trying to figure out if your anger and anxiety have any specific triggers. does your anxiety manifest itself as anger? do you get anxious when you start to become angry? does a specific situation or person make these feelings arise? figuring out why you're feeling the way you do can help with management, whether it be thru knowing what youre up against to better cope with it, or thru walking away from something you now know is triggering

anywaye i hope any of this helped! i'm not the best at giving advice so i hope this wasnt total crap! goodluck!! :)

[gengarcrystal]

this hq!! rewatch has inspired writing, really inspired it, and for the first time in years I’m actively picking up things I started years ago and editing other things that have sat untouched for so long, destroyed from online sight like so much of my work and so many of my socials during the throes of psychosis.

and it’s like. I’m sitting here, reading over my old things and laughing in all the right places or having my heart strings tugged, and I’m editing and re-uploading them all while listening to the same playlist I had seven years ago when I wrote them in the first place. the playlist, like the writing, has improved significantly. but my god does it take me back to those days, the days when these gorgeous boys filled my life; when my days were filled with talking about them, screaming about them, writing about them, sometimes (often) crying about them because goddamnit, I loved them so much then and I still love them so much now. as I said the other day, they mean so much more to me than I can ever put into words.

but going back to those days also reminds me of how far I’ve come. it reminds me of how I was then, how I felt then. I was so unwell, I lacked so much clarity into that, and I had no idea how much worse it was going to get. the last seven years have taught me so much and, thank god, brought me to where I am now. to recovery. healing. accepting and dealing with things I didn’t even know were there. and when I think of how I was seven years ago, it makes me sad but also grateful for the fact I’ve managed to get here considering where I was then, and where I would be later on.

I’m thinking of going back the city I lived in seven years ago. I haven’t been there since I was at my most unwell and the thought’s been in my head for a while that I need to go back. I think I’ll go in August, if I can, and take my boys with me. visit all my old haunts, the places I used to go with atleast one of them in my bag; the best coping mechanism I could find at the time against crippling anxiety and paranoia and mood. I feel like I need the catharsis of going back in this better place, this healed place, and putting it all to bed for good. going back and appreciating it as I am now, rather than the shell of who I was then.

for anyone who didn’t know me then, this might be a slightly bizarre read. but know that I love and appreciate you, as I love and appreciate all the friends who knew me then and are here now. I was not the best version of myself in 2016, I made many mistakes and there are many ways in which I cringe at myself, but I am who I’m meant to be now, the fullest version of myself, and I am always so eternally fucking grateful for the people in my life. maybe life, or more likely mental health, got in the way at some point. but we’re here now, and I still love you and I always have. I am so grateful for everyone whose here with me and has supported me on this long, long road. I love you so much 💜

[agentgrange]

Whats with you and Philip K. Dick?

Alright, I know I harp on this shit and have been using his specific weird philosophy as connective tissue in my field notes which I can understand seems like an odd pick at best or shoehorning it in at worst. I know that at first glance Philip K. Dick has nothing to do with the mythos to which I say... Consider this section from Faith of Our Fathers. Try telling me, devoid of any context, that this doesn't sound like a lloigor / xin (in FOTG.)

God, he thought, and felt ill. Was this what Tanya Lee had called the "aquatic horror" shape? It had no shape. Nor pseudopodia, either flesh or metal. It was, in a sense, not there at all; when he managed to look directly at it, the shape vanished; he saw through it, saw the people on the far side -- but not it. Yet if he turned his head, caught it out of a sidelong glance, he could determine its boundaries. It was terrible; it blasted him with its awareness. As it moved it drained the life from each person in turn; it ate the people who had assembled, passed on, ate again, ate more with an endless appetite. It hated; he felt its hate. It loathed; he felt its loathing for everyone present -- in fact he shared its loathing. All at once he and everyone else in the big villa were each a twisted slug, and over the fallen slug carcasses the creature savored, lingered, but all the time coming directly toward him -- or was that an illusion? If this is a hallucination, Chien thought, it is the worst I have ever had; if it is not, then it is evil reality; it's an evil thing that kills and injures. He saw the trail of stepped-on, mashed men and women remnants behind it; he saw them trying to reassemble, to operate their crippled bodies; he heard them attempting speech.

Don't get me wrong, I have my issues with his works just as most people have their issues with Lovecraft. But I can't help but see echoes of one within the other. I feel like there's a special contrast between Dick and Lovecraft that I find extremely compelling. I've seen it described in two ways below. (Not my words.)

Dick was a poster child for narcotic alienation and paranoia, while Lovecraft was the cerebral, dreamy hermit.

PKD is where reality is a simple nightmare pretending to be real and becomes a complex nightmare that you don't want to believe is real (Ignorance is irrelevant), while HPL is real and the nightmare is coming to get you but only if you look for it (Ignorance is bliss).

Both were deeply wracked with anxiety brought on by the specific form of alienation prevalent at the time. Both authors tackled similar themes but from competing philosophies. Both were haunted their entire lives by visions into parallel worlds outside our own. Both passed relatively young, and both grew to great acclaim only after their death. More to the point, the original Call of Cthulhu TTRPG was meant to be set in the era that Lovecraft's work found its audience. As an 80s source guide, Delta Green Able Archer will take place at the time PKD's work finally found its mark as well. Its a loose framework, there certain won't be any Bladerunners or direct ties to PKD's intellectual property beyond inspiration. But the PKD-Lovecraft axis just perfectly serves the theme of dualism that I keep coming back to again and again. PKD-Lovecraft. America-USSR. Delta Green - GRU/SV8. Ignorance-knowledge. Creation-destruction. Yaldabaoth-Azoth. Et cetera, et cetera.

[kitty-exclamation-point]

I think I've taken the things I was taught too far and I'm having an actual panic attack.

CW: a ramble with discussions of death

I think I've distanced myself from my friends near unanimously because it's been drilled into my head by hundreds of people that if any of them turn out to be abusers and you even slightly defend them, for even a moment, you're literally as bad as the abuser and helping them abuse. People will post lists of objectively Bad Person reactions you can have to something like that and all of them I'm afraid of doing. Hell, some of them I've done before as a teenager so I'm already a bad person; I'm just afraid of being worse. And I can't kill myself and get me out of the way after all I've been through. So I have just learned to keep a distance from having too many close friends so if this happens I'm ready. That's kind of how it is if you have crippling paranoia and you've been told all your life any one thing you accidentally do can utterly destroy your worth as a person.

...y'all is it okay if I decide I'm taking it too far? I can't do this much longer, I'm afraid of social reaction to a hobbling degree but all my life I've been religiously taught that I shouldn't care about myself even a mite more than anyone else, and I feel guilty about any time I do. I thought I lost my cat last night (he's safe now) and I was terrified that I genuinely had no worth now because I wasn't taking care of anything. I'm too disabled to be the missionary I was told I must be and I'm reminded of that all the time. I'm not strong enough and I think I'm making my life worse because I'm terrified I'll Do A Bad Thing and be summarily excused from life. I thought when we left religion I was done with that but not at all. The messaging never stops and I'm afraid I'll be taken to task and deemed selfish just for making this point. I'm frightened of myself and so many people who post things I agree with tell me not to even take the chance or you may as well die since you're factually irredeemable.

I've tried to combat the culture here driving home how easily you can be objectively irredeemable but that's because I'm terrified because I know I have no excuse not to make mistakes now. And I'm not doing much with my life because I'm terrified of losing all worth to the life I'm living. I want to move forward but everything telling me that's selfish and you lose all worth you have... the thing is, it never stops, I never feel free, and it's because of this anxiety. All I can think of when I try are my sins and why I can't be forgiven and it's just not possible to life that way. But for all I know I could still be too selfish. Like too many people want me gone already. And it's just giving me so much anxiety that I don't like living life so contained. I really don't want it to be objectively better to do no harm than contribute good and bad.

[laughdamnyou]

I think my house is being cased

I live in pretty much in the middle of nowhere surrounded by forest and private properties. A partial underground house (pretty much we live in a basement) with limited windows. We live in a self made gated community of me, my parents and siblings, and an uncle. No one can get onto the property without a key. However, last night we saw a flashlight shining through a bedroom window. According to my sister who had been staying in my mother's room due to nightmares, she saw a light shine at our mother until she noticed. As soon as she turned, the light disappeared. as if the person moved their hand. This is concerning considering our bedroom windows are knee height and you have to look for them at either a crouch or an angle. Just a night or two before, I could've sworn to have seen a flashlight but I assumed I hallucinated it due to sleep deprivation or paranoia (which I suffer from). I have near crippling paranoia and anxiety when going out in town (which is why I rarely do so), but now I fear to even sleep on my own property. I never worried about buglers because of how out of the way our houses are (that and the fear of shotgun wielding rednecks that populate the area), but what if it is more than that? I don't know what to do. Our dogs don't react to our fears, but they can easily be befriended if you seem nice enough (I would think at least one of our dogs would do something considering we have four, but I guess not). Any suggestions on what we can do? (we live outside of range of most-if not all-emergency help like police, ambulances, etc.)

[thewinstersoldier]

We out here working through our depression.

I started sertraline October 2021 and I wanna say I stopped taking it January 2023...but I'm going to start taking it again bc I truly cannot raw dog life like this LMAO

Here is my review! When I first started it, the anxiety was RIPPED from my body, anxiety WHO!?

but along with that came emotional numbness and like I was in a constant haze. I wasn't depressed, I was just existing and I felt nothing.

Once I adjusted I was fine and living my life BUT I was regularly using marijuana so that was interacting with my meds and I DO NOT recommend mixing the two AT ALL. I would smoke bc I wanted to feel emotions again but in turn that gave me crippling anxiety suddenly and paranoia so lmao don't do it it's not worth it bc it took hours to come down from really bad thoughts.

And I rarely drink but when I did drink on those meds they made me feel so so so so bad so also don't rec that.

That being said, I'm doing a clean start this time and not mixing SHIT sooooo stay tuned.

It's true though about the NO FEELINGS, I literally couldn't cry and I did not care about anything which can be a pro and a con depending on the situation.

And the low libido...if you like fckin or whatever then say goodbye cos u can't c*m....I'm ace anyways so that doesn't matter to me but I know for a lot of people that is something that is hard to deal with.

Anygays if anyone has questions about Zoloft I don't mind answering!