#me using my light therapy thing for seasonal depression

[addicted-to-the-knife]

Because I want it as official canon in my head for your friend file 🗂️

Top 5 Hugh Dancy roles & why

jdwkhfsjhfsj hi, hello, thank you! x') <3

1. Nolan Price (Law & Order)

you know it. my man. I'm so in love with him, it's not even funny anymore. and I love who he could be if the writing of that show wasn't what it is. he could be a breath of fresh air, considering he'd been a defense attorney for ~20 years and switched to being a prosecutor; but somehow they managed to never bring that up or use it to make Nolan a better character after the first two or so episodes. I mean, they never utilise him like a real character anyway, so idk what I expected. but anyway! I love him because he's incredibly caring in every way. he clearly loves what he does and he wants to do what is right. he's not afraid to admit when he's wrong and do better. he's prepared to listen and work something out. and his experience as a defense attorney, who also worked with Project Innocence, allows him to view defendants differently. like he hasn't lost that part where he knows that they're also human beings with their own stories that should be respected. he's more aware of his part in the system as a prosecutor than most of the DA's office is, and I really appreciate that about him because it makes him a better attorney and a much more interesting character. (again... that's who he is and should be; but the writers haven't really delved into that in a while. he's almost unrecognisable at times in the newest season, unfortunately.)

2. Will Graham (NBC Hannibal)

I mean, duh. it's Will Graham. the character that introduced me to Hugh Dancy back in ~2018. no, but seriously. I see myself in him. a lot. too much for comfort. but even that is sometimes strangely comforting because even the ugliest parts of myself are things I appreciate in Will and can live through him without, um, consequences or feeling bad about myself. I love that we met him as somebody who's so determined to help others even at the cost of his own life, and have that turned around into somebody who acts selfishly and manipulatively, but who also hasn't lost that goodness about himself. somebody, who enjoys violence that he's tried to avoid for so long. all because the right (or wrong, depending on who you ask) person saw the truth inside him and managed to shine a light on that in an irreversible way. I just love his entire arc so much. it's something that feels very personal to me.

3. Cal Roberts (The Path)

the man that desperately needs a hug and therapy. so much therapy. I love him so much for once again being a very complex character. we meet him as this cult leader that is misleading everyone around him, manipulating them, and barely holding on by a thread most of the time. until we find out why that is. until we see and realise what lies beneath and why he is the way he is. and I need to wrap him up in a blanket and shield him from the world that has hurt him so much... honestly such a grandiose performance from Hugh, like always, but this one sticks with me in particular because it's so depressing to watch it all unfold and for Cal to only become worse with every episode (in the way that it becomes harder to push away his traumatic past, but he's too afraid to face it completely, so instead his psychological state becomes worse the longer it all goes on, and the consequences of his actions become overwhelming and pile up to make everything much harder for him). I don't know how many times I just wanted to sit down and cry for Cal while I watched the show.

4. Luke Brandon (Confessions of a Shopaholic)

cannot stand the movie (that's not entirely true. I like it as a rom-com, but Rebecca is insufferable and makes it very hard for me to sit through the entire movie); but Luke is very special to me. honestly, perfect man. 10/10, I wish my future husband was like him (or Nolan. either one of them. preferably Nolan, but... let's not aim too high, lmfao). I mean, come on. that charming British accent, the fluffy hair... the fact that he's all about saving money and making that accessible to those that need the advice most. that's the thing that made me love him so much. that he thinks about the "common people" and the ones most reliant on saving money. those who are usually lied to by companies and other advisors. the fact that he technically comes from money and rejected that. UGH, I'm so weak for characters like him.

5. Adam Raki (Adam 2009)

the character that basically holds up a mirror to my face and makes me feel so many things that I don't really like (because ✨trauma✨), but appreciate that I'm not alone with. personally, I think he's a well-written, and especially acted, autistic character. extremely accurate for those that are similar to him. while I share traits with Will, like hyper empathy, I also share maaany traits with Adam. and it's just... nice. to see that. to see him be a grown adult that learns and adapts, but doesn't change who he is, and that he gets to do what he enjoys in the end. I'm also glad that he and Beth didn't stay together, after all. as jarring as that was for me the first time around, I realised that they weren't good for each other; and I'm pleasantly surprised that they weren't forced to stay together by the writers just so it was a typical romantic movie ending. I love the realism of the difficulties and the ups and downs, as painful as it can be to watch for me. you know how much it triggers me. so I often avoid a re-watch. but it sticks with me, and I appreciate Adam for the character he is; especially for the time the movie came out in.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #357

So! Nothing's up with my body. Sometime last night, the “bleeding” part of my cycle started, and basically like a light switch, I immediately felt a lot better. The clarity I got probably helped, too. But... still.

I think I've finally noticed the pattern with all this. A few days before I ovulate (I bleed a little every damn time I ovulate...), I start to feel like garbage. Like... depressed and irritable and just exhausted and generally hopeless; my senses get dull and it becomes hard to think. Stuff like that. And then I ovulate, and from there, the whole depression/exhaustion/irritability/hopelessness thing dials itself up all the way to 11. And then I bleed, and all that other stuff dissipates as though it was never there.

A bit of fatigue and bloating and cramping is normal. But I don't think people are supposed to get all fucked up like this once a month. So I think I might look into getting some kind of treatment for Premenstrual Dysphoria Disorder, because spending two out of every 5-6 weeks being absolutely miserable totally fucking sucks. And dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder on top of it all just... really isn't a good time.

...But I already know that the main treatment (getting put on hormonal birth control) isn't ideal for me; estradiol usually turns me into either a ragemonster or a depressed-ish lump. So I guess I'm gonna hafta try to figure out something else. Wish me luck, okay?

Therapy was today. I saw the dandelion-haired man (Br) before today's session. He expressed a curiosity about where I had been. I told him that I reduced my sessions to once a month because we're trying to save up to move to Canada (we still have to get our educational credentials evaluated...).

...Out of the blue, he gave me $300. I told him that I can't accept it, but then he told me that I can either take it or leave it in the waiting room. Clearly, he was not prepared to take “no” for an answer.

...I didn't like that very much. I don't know enough about his financial situation or about him in general to know whether or not this comes as a significant difficulty to him, or whether it comes with hidden expectations that he will now have of me. It could be a gift just like how I give to people – with no strings attached, and just because I want to do it. I know it's possible that there are others like me who don't expect anything in return. But... he has a wife, and I have to consider what she is going to think about him dropping $300 on some random person that she and he barely even know. Or maybe $300 is nothing to them. I wouldn't know.

...Not knowing what else to do, but not really wanting to accept it either, I took it and put it somewhere for safekeeping. That way, if/when he wants it back, I'll easily be able to return it to him.

...It was pointed out to me that I had given him a piece of my own artwork that is easily worth at least $500. But... I dunno. For some reason, it feels different to me, because... well. I don't sell my wire trees anyway. I just make them and give them away. I give them away because... well... after they're made, I can't really use them for anything, and I feel like it's too sad if they sit around my house, collecting dust and being unappreciated. If I give them away, then they become a source of awe and wonder for someone else. $300 is $300. It's a resource, and a potent one at that. Enough to pay for one English test, ya know?

...I'm supposed to see Br and his wife tomorrow at Eggcellent. Maybe I can find a way to tell her what happened. Maybe she'd take the money back.

...I just... I don't want anyone to get upset or get in trouble. It's a very strange situation, and... admittedly, I'm really not sure how I should respond.

Then my therapist came to fetch me. And we talked about that thing that just happened. They weren't sure what to make of it, either. They said that, given how unusual the situation was, there's probably not a right way or a wrong way to respond.

We talked about a variety of other things too, like the recent visit with R, and the people I've met on that friend-making app... and about you, too, of course.

Lots of really weird things have happened over the course of the last 20+ years that I dare not explain in this space. Things started getting even weirder since I began writing in earnest. Again... more stuff that I dare not explain in this space. But I do tell my therapist about it, and... somehow they have ideas about it that don't revolve around the notion of me being a few onigiri short of a bento box. I showed them the clarity I received recently, and they were... somewhat mystified? I guess my therapist is gonna check with his supervisor to make sure it's okay for him to point me towards someone who has more experience with certain types of happenings. I guess we'll see how that goes.

I went home after that. Showered. Talked to J some; that was good. Decided to head out to physical therapy with M so that we could go on a lunch date after, at that place with the awesome fried green tomatoes and the ever-changing crème brûlée flavor!

But first, physical therapy. As it turns out, my subscapularis (part of the rotator cuff) just... isn't moving in the way that it's normally supposed to; some muscles in my chest and back have been picking up its slack, which is causing problems. So now I've got an exercise that's supposed to target that muscle and force it to move. Hopefully that helps things a little. We'll see what happens.

In subsequent weeks, we might look at my left leg; that was injured a long time ago, and apparently putting most of my weight on my right leg can cause problems in the right side of the ribcage, so that's likely not helping matters, either.

I ached after the fact, and I was hungry, so I was more than eager to get noms at the place with M. Here, I'll show you the pictures I took...

Here, we've got the fabled tomatoes!

...Then, we've got a steak sandwich!!

Cream of broccoli soup!!!

This one is called a “mudslide”! It's got chocolate and coffee flavors to it!

...And finally, we have the crème brûlée flavor of the week! This time, it's espresso!

I can say without a doubt that this is one of the most perfect crème brûlées I've ever eaten. I really wish you could have been here to try it. I think you would have liked it a whole lot.

And just like that, I am back home. I'm thinking about playing some more Hades. I've been out and about pretty much all day, so... I could certainly use the time to jut chill. But then... R is coming back for a visit tomorrow. He wants tacos. I gotta get the supplies for that before I go out to meet Br and his wife. Hmmm.

If I do Hades, you'll find me here. The quest for a first-run victory on a fresh save continues...

...Suppose that's it for today. I don't really have much else rattling around up in my noggin.

Hey. I love you a lot. So please try to keep yourself safe out there while you do your various things, okay? I'm counting on you to come home alive. And all the other people who care about you are counting on the same thing. So don't go making a buncha people inconsolably sad for the rest of eternity by getting yourself killed out there, okay? Promise me.

I'll write again tomorrow. Assuming all goes well, tomorrow's letter will be chicken taco flavored. Look forward to it!

Your friend, Lumine

[miles-is-so-gay]

[Image ID: A horizontal flag with eleven stripes in the following colors: muted green, muted teal, muted sky blue, light grey, gold, yellow, gold, light grey, muted blue, muted purple, muted magenta. There is a light grey circle in the middle that slightly passes through the second and second-to-last stripes, and contains a large black semi-colon. The gold and yellow stripes outline the circle. End ID]

let me know if and how i can improve my image id :D

I was looking for a depression flag but could only find one for persistent depressive disorder, so I decided to make one! flag can be used by anyone with depression or a depressive disorder :) extra info under cut

[divider] made the flag by desaturating the cool colors on the color wheel, decided to add the gold and yellow as a way of representing how things look bleak, but get better. and ofc the semi-colon bc its the symbol used for depression

color meanings!!

muted green - seasonal affective disorder / seasonal depression

muted out teal - loneliness, apathy, lack of energy, symptoms

muted sky blue - treatment, therapy, meds

light grey - other depressive disorders / undiagnosed depression

gold and yellow - things look bleak, but get better

muted blue - major depressive disorder / persistent depressive disorder

muted purple - depressive bipolar state / bipolar depression

muted magenta - community

[chrismcshell]

trying to use the therapy lamp* my mom got me for my birthday last month (*u know, one of those little light box things that's supposed to simulate sunlight and help with seasonal depression). it has 3 brightness settings. i set it to the lowest brightness and it's like, hm, this feels a bit too dim to have any effect. i set it to the middle brightness and aaauuugh my eyes

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, this is gonna be a little messy coz I just write it from feelings. Tw depression, suicide.

I suffer from depression and suicidal tendencies since I was a very small child because of abuse I assume. And by now I can divide my depressive episodes into 2 different categories: shitty and romantic. The shitty ones are the ones were I can't leave my bed, self hate, can't sleep, can't feel a good thing. They are pretty rare by now. And the 2nd category is romantic. It's like the tumblr version of depression. Snuggeling in bed, watching my favorite self destructive scenes from movies and series again, and considering suicide coz life is just too stressful. Those come every few months for a handful of days and during change of seasons to autumn/winter. Which is now, hurray.

Atm there is such an episode, for maybe 3 days idk. They usually only last like 5 days but in season change it can be a few weeks. And now, that I am here, warm and cozy, kinda euphoric watching scene by scene (I have a special list of series/episodes/minutes of triggering stuff for those episodes) I feel that I missed it. Not because I am just comfy in the well-known but I feel like it's nourishing something in me that felt empty for months. I can enjoy songs I disliked for months, I see the world in another light (news aren't as shitty if you think dying is kinda nice), my flashback/nightmares don't suck anymore because, what's the worst that could happen? Nothing! It's an overall euphoria, indestructibility.

They stories I write are different in a way that I can't copy when I am feeling normal. It's giving me a sense of peace that I've never felt from something else (and I've tried a lot of stuff). And I fear (I also feared that before this episode, in a "normal" phase) that I will lose this completely, once I do therapy. This won't stop me from starting therapy because there's also the cptsd and stuff. But... Yeah something inside of me felt empty, my need for peace I assume, for many months and I enjoy it so much and don't want to lose it.

Idk, it's not like you could change how therapy will change me but maybe there is some stuff coming to your mind while reading this?

Hi anon,

I'm sorry about what you've been going through.

How you described the "romantic" aspect of your depression reminded me of self-triggering with PTSD. It's both about engaging in things you know are upsetting, almost for comfort even though it sounds counterintuitive, and often times it is. I think it's possible that when you're in that rut so to speak, you may seek out these things to feel something, or to find comfort in the normalcy of feeling sad and/or depressed.

Identifying how your depression is affecting you is a great place to start as far as therapy and recovery.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[livingasaghost]

september was not great folks, but we're trying <3

in the saddest realization of the season i discovered that my favorite part of the day is my 40m drive to work because it's chilly and i can see a lot of trees and the morning light and i also am in the perfect headspace to listen to Good Music and it's like when i used to make my morning playlists for opening the coffeeshop except soooo much more enjoyable

been listening to lots of holly humberstone and NF's new album and justin vernon stuff (bon iver, BRM, etc) and unfortunately gracie abrams - there's just something about all these artists being like "I AM THE PROBLEM ITS ME IM SORRY" that just speaks to me! that's not concerning at all!

laura and i talked for like two hours last night and it was like old times and god i really do miss when we'd just ride the same bus home and i could walk to her house ):

i've been trying to make taylor's chai cookies for like a week and i realized i absolutely have time to make them today so i'm trying to buck up the energy to do that in the next two hours before i have to be a person and go to a photoshoot

"good day" by olivia barton

i'm trying to get back into crying in h mart because mom finished reading it and we're supposedly buddy reading it so we can discuss it but i haven't felt like reading all month because i've been depressed...but like damn cancer sucks guys

in other news, i think because i've had such a shitty brain month this september i've almost pushed myself so far that halloween season sounds really fun!!! i'm trying to work through my halloween hate bc i think it's kind of silly and all my friends love halloween so i should love it too! and like i wanna watch spooky movies and be chilly and have FUN! god!

i kinda forgot a vital piece of jennalore which is that when i was a kid my mom's college roommate used to send us frosted sugar cookies shaped like bats every halloween and it was actually kinda the best thing ever? so i'm trying to channel that energy this season

work is batshit insane and i'm so exhausted by it i literally slept for 11hrs on like wednesday night bc i was so tired but also......when we're busy i always feel like i'm actually Doing Something and my bosses are so happy with the work i do so like.....it's good even though it's bad!

therapy has actually been really really good? like it Sucks bc it's therapy and i hate talking about my feelings but my therapist is the sweetest NB person ever and they're always just like "uhhh that's emotional abuse my dude!" and i'm so fucking excited bc at the end of october they're gonna have saturday openings which means i can finally go talk to them in person and not on my lunch break in our tiny break room!!!! at this point i have to pretend like my coworker can't hear everything i say during therapy otherwise i'd go insane so i always leave my sessions being like ......did max hear that i'm aroace and i have depression and i might be neurodivergent??? idk!!!

which speaking of, even though max and i definitely aren't like friends by any sense of the word....we are also just like having a time together! it's wild i see him most out of all the people i know but i think we're both going a little insane from the workload and being Depressed so we just spend all day being kinda wacky and for whatever reason i've reached a point where i stopped having a filter with him so i just start talking about the most random shit and he's cool with it lol

i think i might maybe be a little lonely! idk! i've been struggling to figure out what i need or who to talk to and i generally just want to talk to like two or three of my friends or my gc and everyone's just busy ): but then when i have the chance to talk to anyone and i Sit Down to try to interact bc i know some people are probably around i just get a little overwhelmed idk make it make sense!!!

and i realized i don't have a lot of IRL friends anymore bc a lot of the ones i had from the coffeeshop are Not My Friend and the ones i met on instagram are also Not My Friend and the ones i used to live with are Not My Friend and so my list of people to hang with is teeny tiny and idek what i need or want anymore so it's just my brain screaming .

the most frustrating thing rn is that i know i'm in a bad mental place however i cannot distinguish what i need! but when someone asks me what i need i get this intense panic/dread and i spiral real bad and if anyone tries to be kind to me it makes me feel worse and so it's like....i'm stuck in this stand still where i can't get what i need but i don't know what i need so i just eat cereal, listen to music, and go to bed early!!!

i don't wanna watch anything, i still haven't finished this season of only murders, i need a DVD player bc i want to watch the director's commentary of hill house, there's a bunch of shows and movies coming out soon that i feel overwhelmed by at the moment and it's just like !!! this is all so unfair

and i need to make all these appointments like getting my oil changed and going to the doctor for my annual but i cannot bring myself to do those things but also like should i ask my doctor about medication for depression??? surely it isn't that serious but like maybe it is idk!!!!

the depression isn't as bad as it's been in the past (i think?) like i felt a lot more hopeless in 2017 and i think a lot of that is because i do have a support system and a therapist and a good paying job and things to look forward to but like i'm very aware that many days i do just feel that feeling of "everything is meaningless and nothing will bring me joy ever again" so it's like !!! idk!!!! maybe i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm not that bad when in actuality i am!!!

i've just been stuck in that space of middle limbo with all my "diagnoses" that i cannot rationally understand if i'm allowing myself to see myself the way i am? like i always felt like i wasn't depressed enough to be Depressed bc i'm not suicidal but like ??? that's silly !!! maybe i am Depressed!!!!! but i don't even know how to go about getting meds and what they would do and it's almost more overwhelming to think about that than to just be depressed ): bc i still am convinced a lot of it comes down to the heat and the lingering effects of summer

but now i'm thinking about 2021 when it was the bad times and i stopped working on creative stuff or literally any year from 2017-2020 when i just spent the early fall Not Creating and having a crisis that i'd never create again and it's like.............is that bc i'm always depressed around this time? it's comforting bc i know life is seasons and i will come back around to making things and doing my silly projects but it's just sort of making me wonder how it would be different if i tried to find a way to get meds ....like would that Fix Me....would that Solve the Problem....what if it doesn't! what if i'm not depressed enough for that!

(this is all just thoughts, i'm fine, etc, just haven't let myself fully think about the depression this month bc i don't think there's a solution rn i'm just trying to get through it)

anyway, "good day" by olivia barton

[rosestars]

I too struggled to take care of my basic physical needs through my early 20s as a university student who also worked part-time and did additional extracurriculars. I was deep in anxiety and depression during that time, I was perpetually exhausted. I had no idea what it meant to actually care for my body. In therapy, we worked on my mindset a lot—but no one really asked me how much coffee I was drinking and whether I was eating enough food each day.

So I thought I'd dispense some big-sister type wisdom for folks who are struggling with this too. It's not intuitive and it can feel really overwhelming, especially when you're in a period of life where you're just learning so many new things in all areas of your life. I wish someone had told me some of these things a decade ago, so here are some strategies I've come to use over the years to support my body:

Prioritize sleep as if it's an obligation you have to a job or to another human. Getting 8+ hours of sleep has been the foundation for a lot of my personal mental health recovery and increase in overall inner peace. Not getting sleep really freaks out my body and nervous system. When I get enough sleep, I can think more clearly and have a way easier time making decisions, which helps with strategizing other self-care activities. Putting sleep first is not cool, especially when you are young and everything happens after 9 pm, but if you can, try to limit your late nights and always plan for recovery time after they happen.

If you work the night shift, make sure you really reduce the amount of light you are exposed to in the morning. Wear sunglasses or those crazy-looking orange or red-lensed glasses if you need to be outside between the end of your shift and getting into bed.

If sleep is a challenge, pay greater attention to general nervous system maintenence. Can you listen to relaxing binaural beats on public transit or a calming/funny podcast in the car? Reduce exposure to things that activate and scare you, which can include the news, true crime content, or anything that just freaks you out! If you're busy, you're activated enough.

On that note, be more mindful about how you consume caffeine. If you need a coffee right away in the morning, try to eat some protein first, like a couple scoops of low-sugar, high-fat yogourt, cottage cheese, a hard-boiled egg, a block of tofu or other plant-based protein thing. If at all possible, wait to have caffeine until after you eat a full meal. Stop drinking caffeine at least 8 hours before you plan to sleep, but for sensitive beings (like myself) 10-12 hours may be best.

Sugar is also a stimulant. You might feel pressure to eliminate sugar entirely as part of "eating healthy" but it's easy to make sugar a little gentler on the body through eating foods in a certain order. Sugar and carbohydrates (which metabolize into a sugar called glucose in the body) are a ready source of energy and when you're busy and you need joy, it's not feasible to avoid them. You can support your body by eating fibre before you have sugar and carbs. This can look like eating some greens before a plate of pasta or having a high-fibre cereal like All Bran Buds (inexpensive) before you go out for some sugary cocktails, for example. Fibre slows down digestion and reduces glucose spikes, which can help you feel more balanced, calm, and energized for a longer period of time.

Make getting greens into your diet as easy as possible. My tip here only works, unfortunately, if you have access to a freezer. I almost exclusively buy frozen vegetables. They are often cheaper and crisper-tasting than fresh produce and it's okay if I forget about them—which helps reduce my food waste and ultimately saves me money in the long run. They also take minutes to prep with zero chopping, and I hate chopping. Frozen broccoli goes in a microwave-save bowl with a couple tablespoons of water, covered with a plate, and steamed in the microwave for four minutes. Season with salt and butter, or kewpie mayo/sriracha mayo, curry powder, anything you like! Frozen spinach can be boiled, run under cold water when vibrant green, squeezed into a ball and topped with soy sauce and/or sesame oil for a very fast Japanese-style side salad.

Think of yourself as a literal child coming up to you and asking you to meet their basic needs. If a child came up to you and told you that they were hungry, would you send them away and say "I'm too busy to feed you." If a child was tired, would you prevent them from taking a nap? Some of us have had this very experience as a child, and so these moments are opportunities to literally re-parent ourselves. If you're working multiple jobs, trying to stay afloat in this hell-hole of capitalism, using whatever time you have left over to nourish yourself like you would your own kid, or a garden you're trying to grow, is critical.

Let go of the idea that busyness and overwork are noble and contribute to your worthiness. Needing rest, nutrition, and a sense of well-being is not shameful, it's not weakness, it certainly doesn't mean you should just work harder. Meeting our physical needs is one of the skills we get to hone as humans. We've devalued true self-care the same way we've devalued domestic labour. But these are the activities that make a life, the essential work of being alive, the tasks that are at its very core. As the poet Marie Howe says, it's what the living do. You will never outrun or transcend your human form, you must embrace it.

A disclaimer: I am not a nutritionist, therapist, or doctor. All these recommendations are completely anecdotal based on my personal experience! Always listen to your own body and refer to a professional if you're struggling beyond your capacity to care for yourself.

My early 20's was really me like "I WISH I had the time to eat healthy, sleep, and work out but I just have too many other important things in my life right now" meanwhile I was emotionally absent, disassociating from stress and lack of sleep and nutrition, and totally abandoning myself for an idealized version of me I thought I could become simply by force and willpower

Insane to reflect on like....if you don't take care of yourself you actually CANT show up for anything you love or want

Why doesn't anyone teach us that

[s33thru]

Week 4

Things are getting a little rough this week :(

🍃: Anxiety can be fucking debilitating sometimes.

I went through another episode again. I have diagnosed anxiety and depression. Sometimes I have episodes of heightened anxiety, lots of crying, feeling down, less energy/feeling tired all the time, and lower motivation. I also have regular depressive episodes. During these episodes, things feel torturous and almost debilitating. Functioning becomes very hard, and sometimes impossible. In the warmer months, my anxiety and depression feel manageable, with fewer episodes happening. My little toolbox of coping skills work well, and life feels good. In the colder months, though, my anxiety and depression get heightened and the episodes happen more frequently. My coping skills either stop working, or I get too emotionally and mentally exhausted to use them properly, if at all. That’s what was happening. I was going through an episode and nothing was working. Life fucking sucked. I was miserable for days. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been doing bright light therapy, and while it’s helping with my energy levels and sleep schedule, it’s not helping my mood at all. I think I want to try medication. It’s been my last resort for so so long, and it still is, but I feel like I’m at my wits end. I’m exercising as regularly as I can, I’m trying to get outside, I’m using my therapy lamp, I’m trying my best to eat healthy, and I’m using all of my coping skills. It just doesn’t feel like enough. I’m terrified of medication but I think I’m willing to try it because things feel unbearable when I have these episodes and this was my second episode in two months. In the warm months, I only had one, and it only lasted a few days. Over like, a 6 month span. Life just felt miserable because of the episode and I need to talk to my therapist about it. We need to come up with something to help me through the winter months. I was overthinking and over analyzing and worrying about it all way too much, too. God I just want a break from my own head :(

I’m starting medication for my SAD. I’m very afraid and reluctant, but it’s my last resort. I’m second guessing everything, like whether or not there even is a seasonal pattern, even though I know there is. I’m worried that I’ll need it in the summer too, even though I’m normally confident in my ability to cope in the warm months. I’m just scared and uncertain. I really hope everything works out :/

🍁: I think I’m going to try out a new machine at the gym soon. It’s an arm and core machine. I’ve never tried anything that targets multiple areas before! Very exciting :)

🦆: My uncle, who was very dear to me, passed away. The grief feels different from the other times I’ve experienced it yet again. They’re having a memorial for him on Saturday, which I’ll be attending. It’s gonna interfere with my plans to surprise my boyfriend when he comes home from uni, which was messing with my head a bit because I don’t deal with change well (especially sudden & unexpected change). I’m gonna go to the memorial, but I’m just a little bummed that a happy, exciting event that I was gonna have had now turned into something else. I’m obviously not upset that they’re having a service for my uncle but, you know what I mean. It’s supposed to be a celebration of life though, so I hope it’s more of an upbeat event

I introduced my best friend to my work friend. They’ve been wanting to meet for a while now, so I’m glad! They got along, which is great. I was worried that they wouldn’t, because my best friend is very loud and silly, but my work friend is very reserved and laid back. We’re planned a hangout for this week, but it was a bit difficult due to scheduling and the fact that my best friend lives out of town

🍂: One of my coworkers, who I’ve come to like quite a bit, is quitting :( I really enjoy my shifts with her, so this sucks

I’m also having a lot of trouble with the process of applying for student loans. It’s very stressful, and I’m just hoping that I can get it all sorted without too much grief :(

🍊: I’ve really been enjoying playing Minecraft again lately. I’m starting a new, cozy survival word and making it exactly what I want!

Not a whole lot going on this week, but I hope anyone reading this is doing well! Make sure to take care of yourself, and have a good afternoon! :)

[bucolicbook]

Complete Starter Guide to Bonsai:  Growing from Seed or Seedling - Wiring, Pruning, Care, and Display (Creative Homeowner) Beginner-Friendly Details for the Japanese Art of Bonsai Tree Care by David Squire

US pub date - 7/2/24

After moving to the country from the nearly constant sun of the Mojave desert, I found myself suffering seasonal depression in the gray gloom of winter and early spring. Along with daily meditation (✔️) and a light therapy lamp (also ✔️), I decided that getting a couple of plants would be a good thing. One of the plants I’ve been wanting is a bonsai, even though the idea of having and caring for one has been very intimidating to me. Reading this book was truly helpful in providing accurate information and guidance. 

Along with the guidance and knowledge in the pages of this, there are photos and illustrations that are advantageous for beginners. 

I really appreciated reading an early copy of this and will likely pick up a copy when I’m ready to take on the responsibility of caring for a tree of my own. 

Thank you to Creative Homemaker and NetGalley for the DRC

[healing-with-bunnie]

Another horrible, yet wonderful year

It's December again, and I find myself reflecting on where I was at in January. it has been another incredibly complicated year with ups and downs just like the rest.

Exactly a year ago at the beginning of last December, I got out of the hospital again, It's seemingly routine for me for most holiday seasons to need a trip to the mental hospital. A few days after getting out of the hospital it was clear that moving in with my best friend and her partner was the best option for me. Living alone had been incredibly detrimental to my mental health.

Living with my best friend and being in a loving home environment for the first time in my life was quite literally life-changing to me. And I quit my job in fast food management as that was incredibly demanding in ways that were just simply too draining for me. in between that job and my next, I attended an IOP program (intensive outpatient program) essentially equating to 24 hours a week of therapy. which was very hard but in my time there I had made a new friend, and stabilized myself quite a bit. graduating IOP is one of my biggest accomplishments this year.

This year really challenged family dynamics, as due to quite a few different things I was forced to see both of my parents in a horrible new light, which has been incredibly depressing and freeing at the same time. As all i really ever wanted was to feel loved by a family.

While my own family was quite the sore subject, I got closer with my best friend, and her mother who have both been there for me for so long now, it's really been a transition from blood family to found family this year.

then by the beginning of spring, all hell broke loose, as if the ice and snow melting seemingly released some kind of pandora's box on me. Most of spring and summer was kind of a blur at this point.

As I had what I consider to be, the absolute worst month of my life, April 7th my great aunt died, a woman who had been a safe place for me for as long as I can remember. The only family member by whom I felt loved unconditionally, her home had been my safe place. somewhere nothing bad could ever happen. When life was too overwhelming I would escape to her house. Where she would let me eat whatever I wanted, and we would watch whatever I wanted and just talk. I was closer to her than I ever was to either of my parents. Losing her was equal parts devastating and also a relief.

She had been sick most of her life, and the last 3 years of her life were horrible. As awful as it sounds I wished she had died sooner, she was single-handedly the greatest woman I had ever met. She had been a nurse for most of her life, with a very strong attitude and sense of humor. Her birthday was November 11th, and after 2000 she would always use her birthday to remember those who had died in the tragedy. She was truly a selfless woman, being the safe haven for the children in my family who had less-than-stellar parents.

Her funeral was about a week or two later, the second funeral I had ever attended. It was so beautiful and perfect and she would have loved every single detail of it. We spent just as much time laughing as we did crying as she would have wanted. I got the honor of being the last person to speak at her funeral, with a letter I had written to her the day after she died. and I also got plenty of time alone with her urn as people were downstairs.

I got dumped by my boyfriend of 7 or 8 months a day or two later, and it's pretty safe to say I felt as though my life was a complete wreck. And I had just started my new job, and was constantly emotional, crying at the drop of a hat over everything. an overnight shift I had to cover at a hotel for about a month.

A little over a week into that job, my son almost died, and I felt as though I could never catch a break. but I continually used my overnight shift with all of that time alone to myself to journal, and just sit with myself and all the stuff I had just faced.

I'm no stranger to adversity or hardship though, and I just kept trucking through. It seems that the turning point of this year would be my 20th birthday, my son's father and I always made a point to see each other once a year. And I would text him pretty regularly, especially when my relationships would begin to fail and I would find myself single.

Admittedly, I am oblivious, and although my love for him never truly went away even though it had been 4 years since we had ended our relationship I never picked up on the fact that the feeling was entirely mutual.

So when a nasty storm had ruined my plans for my birthday, he drove two hours in torrential downpours to pick me up. two hours back to his mother's in which I would not stop talking the whole time. I wont go into detail of what happened when we got to his home, but I will say this when he kissed me every feeling I thought I had been able to get over finally came flooding back to me.

That kiss felt like it was the most right kiss in my entire life, like every other time anyone else had ever kissed me it always felt wrong and uncomfortable. and at one point he looked into my eyes and said that they were still so beautiful. I was still fighting my real feelings so I punched him in the chest and called him bro.

That afternoon changed the course of my life, as I was only supposed to be living with my best friend until October. though it was only I was struggling to find a place for myself one that I could bring my son to. (I would like to note that I am leaving out some other important details of what happened this year as that is a story for another day)

The next day my son's father started his apprenticeship, as he was finally home from all of his navy training. we would continue to see each other in secret, and talk non-stop. I finally broke down and explained some things to him about my life that I had been keeping secret from everyone. and He promised he would help me.

we officially started dating almost two weeks later at the beginning of August, and by the end of the month he had found an apartment for us then by October he and I began to set in motion something to fix those background details. Which again is a story for another day when I am actually able to tell it.

But as it stands now, here in December, looking back on the crazy rollercoaster that was my 2023, I am thankful, I started this year feeling completely defeated and alone but through the love and patience of my best friend and her partner, I was able to pull myself out of that dark spot enough to finally begin working on myself and growing. I was able to heal and grow enough to impress my son's father, show him how much I had truly changed since we broke up in 2019, and rekindle our relationship. Currently, our relationship is better than it has ever been.

And I am more hopeful than ever, that finally after 20 years I will be able to get free of the blood that has poisoned me for all of my life and build bonds that will free me.

While I know life won't be easy, finally for the first time in my life I know I will never face anything as hard as I have in the past. I will face more unexpected challenges, but now I have the strength to pull myself up and support that will catch me if I fall.

[myna]

CW: depression, suicide

In 2020 I tried to kill myself.

My dog was dying, I was unemployed, depressed, aimless, and altogether I thought it would be better if I just stopped it all there.

Thankfully I was not even close to successful and I started therapy. My antidepressants really started working after that. The game changer of it all? My therapist told me that one day I could just wake up and not be depressed anymore. Of course she added the caveat that the goal of therapy was improvement not eradication. Still, I couldn’t believe it! That meant there was hope and hope is what got me better.

I started working, got into a good routine, got stable. Even when my other dog passed I stayed stable. I didn’t attempt anything. I applied to law school and got rejected and waitlisted at every school I applied to. I stayed stable.

Eventually my suicidal imagery reduced to 0. What used to be me imagining my own gruesome suicide 10 times per day went to 0. It was so normal for me to see my own death that it was like breathing. Except when I miss my Zoloft for more than a day, my new normal is 0.

I still had some ups and downs. Of course, I cried and yelled and self isolated. But I also had these brilliant moments of recognizing myself getting overwhelmed and calmly removing myself from that stimulus. I saw myself change in a way I hadn’t ever experienced.

When you have depression, parts of you peek through like sunlight through the leaves. People see all the darkness with little specks of light on the forest floor and think that’s how you are. But treated, I am the sun. I am 100% myself and people can see it. I can see it.

Since then I’ve traveled solo for 2.5 weeks in Japan, I’ve met up with friends way more often, I’ve played games and done art, I got into my dream grad program with a scholarship, I’ve lived such a full and happy life.

I’m happy.

In just 3 years I went from my lowest low to my highest high. And the thing is, I’m happy not just today but as a baseline. Like even on my bad days I’m still happy!

I’m happy! I’m happy! I’m happy!

I am certain my case isn’t the most usual. Lots of people struggle for far longer and with much worse. I am profoundly fortunate to have friends and family who support me unconditionally. But this is just to tell you there’s a way for it to be over.

If you’re looking at the forest floor, seeing all the dark, just remember, seasons change. You’re still the sun.

[norcalbruja]

Undas / Soul's day weirdness

So with my excessive time off due to unemployment and Spooky Season coming to a close, I've been getting into "The Crow" about ten years too late. I am full of sorrow for both the character Eric Draven, and for Brandon Lee's untimely death.

Yesterday was my first night of work at the bowling alley, and I only had to stay about three hours since I'm not actually in the system yet. I still did not want to go to a DAY-JOB again, and the beach at night is Dark And Creepy, so I was regretting watching Eric Draven's traumatic resurrection scene on Youtube before getting dressed.

It does not help that one of the place's storage rooms is called "the scary room" by one of the managers. While it's lit up pretty well now, it's eerily quiet, it used to have a single desk-lamp valiantly trying to light a room that's close to the size of my whole apartment, and the CLOSETS are still pitch-black. It's also full of the old machinery that they replaced, but can't find a proper spot for.

Manager said that before it was properly lit, everyone hated going in there and sometimes he felt like someone/something was watching him from the dark.

Like, ENDLESS NOPE for that part of the building. I might need to bring a necklace that I made for Persephone a while back, but I can never find a chance to WEAR. I just carry it around in my bag because I feel bad about never wearing jewelry whenever the gods prod at me to make it, and I might need to wear it under my work-shirt or stick it in a pocket.

Anyway, while I was driving home last night, I was listening to Hozier and trying to get myself back into "I need this job for money" mode, so I was like "ughhhhh, Happy Soul's Day to the spirits, I guess? Look I really don't want to be at this job, but I also need money, and if I can manage to get a break with my art soon, I would like to leave it on GOOD terms."

This is behind the cut for length, mentions of "dead-spirits versus living-spirits," and an explanation about how I used to be suicidal.

--

So I was getting ready for bed and already Very Unhappy at the thought of having a day-job again, annnnnnnd someone calling himself Eric Draven came into my meditation.

The only thing most of my family knows about my spirituality is that I can see ghosts/dead-spirits, and I occasionally have dreams of dead relatives. Apart from that, I barely SEE any dead people in my spiritual messiness. Like... I'm not a gravedigger or anything, after all.

Plus, living spirits usually tell them to keep away from me, even if they don't mean harm. It's because I'm depressed, and I was borderline/passively suicidal in high school (I constantly did not eat because I didn't feel hungry and I felt like a waste of space). I'm no longer suicidal, but as noted by my constantly stressed updates about my life, I never managed to feel BETTER for very long.

Hades and the Morrigan have said that I am "too close to death" and I spiritually have "one foot in the grave." Like, I already spend too much time in the Otherworld to (badly) cope with my shitty life because mundane-world things like "therapy," "getting diagnosed for Autism/ADHD" or "getting a break in the arts world" just seem so unattainable for me, so if I spend too much time with DEAD spirits, there is a low but not zero risk of me wanting to join them.

Meanwhile, here comes Eric Draven on the night of Soul's Day / Undas in full goth clothes and makeup, and I was freaked out and I asked him, "Hiiiiiiii??? Are you Eric Draven or... Brandon Lee?"

He was like "No no no, I'm not either of them--I just took his face because you'd freak out MORE if some random guy came along. Please just call me Eric."

And I went, "Okay, Eric, why are you here? I don't have even a LIVING boyfriend around, much less a recently-murdered one."

Eric said very, very reluctantly, "I came because you're full of vengeance. You reek of anger and loneliness. Nobody living can seem to help you with your art, or getting a house, or the stuff you actually NEED HELP WITH, so I figured a dead guy roping himself in can't hurt too much."

So I was like "You are the third or fourth spirit who told me that they can smell my unhappiness. Is that a thing in the Otherworld?"

And he said, "YEAH. Yeah, it is. And that's a problem if it gets this bad. You might start attracting the good tricksters--like your husband--but you might start attracting some bad tricksters, like Loki."

So I said, "Eric, Loki isn't a BAD spirit. Tricksters have necessary functions in life, people just don't LIKE those functions all the time."

Eric apologized and said, "I'm sorry about the 'good or bad spirit' thing, but Loki's not a NICE spirit. I'm here because you need help, and some of that is how you don't want more NOT-NICE spirits homing in on you."

And I was like, "Well, you are painfully nice, Eric, but are you good or bad? I really hope I don't need to fight anyone soon."

He admitted, "I don't know which one I am. I'm not TECHNICALLY supposed to be here, but YOU were supposed to get help with at least one fucking thing you keep begging for. What are people gonna do? Kill me again?"

Anyway, Eric is definitely dead. He's cold when I touch him and he can only warm back up when he's in really high emotion, but then he starts almost burning like he's got a fever instead, so the issue seems to be how he can't "regulate his temperature" anymore.

--

This morning Macha (an Irish horse-goddess, she basically did the "extrovert" thing and adopted my hermit self) found Eric hanging out with me while I was trying to wake up enough to brush my teeth, and she prodded him and went, "Ew, he's dead! What are you DOING here?! It's not Soul's Day anymore, mate--GET OUT."

And I told her, "Macha, he's not literally Eric Draven! He said he wants to help, and he's nice! Don't make him leave!"

And Macha was like, "Honey, you don't have good boundaries! You also have issues with how people said your people's gods abandoned you to the wilderness! You aren't going to make ANYONE leave!"

Dionysus is also pretty wigged out that Eric's here, but Eric repeated that he is here because I'm miserable as shit, and "if the living cannot help, maybe the dead can."

Hades is just extremely sad to see him, so he shook his head and went, "Well, looks like the grave came to you. THAT was unexpected."

Lola Buwaya and Haik Number Four are also upset.

Like... a giant squid and a dead guy came to help because they feel bad for me, and at least one Megaloceros heard Spirit-Me's screaming for help, but most of the anito are just MIA? This is WEIRD and nobody knows where they are.

[teenmomcentral]

Tyler Baltierra is getting candid about ketamine therapy on the new season of The Teen Mom: The Next Chapter.

Baltierra invites viewers to follow his journey as he undergoes the legal psychedelic treatments — paired with therapy sessions — to unlock repressed memories and help him work through childhood trauma. 

Baltierra opened up to PEOPLE about his decision to go public with his journey, and how he hopes to normalize conversations surrounding mental health. 

TB: I’ve done so much normal CBT — Cognitive Behavioral Therapy — and it worked really well for me for many years. But I felt like I wanted to do something a little bit deeper, something a little more intense. Once I heard about ketamine and its benefits and the studies about how it's really helping a lot of people with PTSD and anxiety and depression, I wanted to do more research about it.

Once I did the research, I was kinda hooked! I wanted to do it because there are certain things that happen to you that are traumatic and you talk about it so much that you almost get used to explaining your trauma and explaining why you feel from it. For me, I did so much talking that I didn’t get to actually dive deep into it with my normal talk therapy. I kinda skimmed by it. That’s the main reason why I really want to take this opportunity to do something a little different.

Is ketamine therapy what you thought it would be like?

TB: It definitely was not how I thought it would be because I’ve used different psychedelics recreationally. It was a lot more sedative for me and it also brought up a lot of stuff I just didn’t think it would. It wasn’t what I expected — it was way more intense. It was definitely a crazy, wild experience. When you go through trauma, your brain goes through a lot of automatic repair and sometimes it does it too well so I was like alright, this really unlocked all of that for me. It helped me get down to the core of my trauma and better understand how it affected me as an adult. 

Can you walk me through a typical session? 

TB: It all depends on where you go which is why before you just dive into this, you need to do research about the facility and the doctors who will monitor you while you are doing it. You should meet with several, do a quick little intro and find out how the process works, because every therapist does it in a different way. For me, I really wanted something that was very spiritually-driven, so I wanted to go somewhere that really embodied this. We meditate, we center ourselves, we listen to calm music.

For me, it’s all about the environment. I found this place in California I really liked. When you first go in there, you’re like this feels a little weird. There are two different ways you can do it. You can do it through IV or an injection. I did the injection. It starts out really kinda light but it gets heavy very fast. You are blindfolded and they put this weighted blanket on you. You feel really not connected to your body if that makes sense, so you kinda don’t have your other senses working, you’re just literally in your own head. It’s pretty intense. I had music going that was calming to me, breathing is super important. It’s a ride. 

What are your thoughts on the negative connotation of ketamine?

TB: My opinion is it should be used in therapeutic situations. I think there’s a lot of untapped potential in psychedelics when it comes to therapy and using it to process trauma, so if it was up to me, psychedelics would be legal. Unfortunately, when I Googled it, ketamine was the only thing that was actually legal in my state. I really believe it to be medicine. 

I feel like it needs to be explored more because the effects of it are amazing. People should really do their own research but also talk to their doctor because a lot of doctors are now understanding the benefits that it has. And they will be really open and honest with you, so people should look at it a little deeper and with an open mind. 

What were your reactions from your family and friends? Especially knowing it was going to be broadcasted on TV? 

TB: To be honest, the first initial reaction was you’re doing horse tranquilizer?! Once I explained it to everybody, they were all like woah! I didn’t realize it could be used like that. They were all pretty shocked about it at first but they all really supported me, especially getting back from doing it and telling them how it went. 

Are you open with your children about how this ketamine therapy has helped you? 

TB: We haven’t talked about ketamine specifically but just the other day, Novalee asked where [my wife] Cate was and I said she was in a therapy appointment. And she was like oh ok good I’m glad she is in therapy. So our kids know about therapy. We’ve talked about how no emotion is a bad emotion, no emotion is wrong. It’s just a matter of how you process it and therapy allows you to do that. We have been very open with all of the kids, but mainly Novalee because she’s at the age of actually understanding a little bit. We tell her that we’ve used therapy in the past. We are also really big advocates of sometimes mom and dad need help too just like you need help. Just because we’re parents and grownups to you, doesn’t mean that we don't need help too sometimes. So I think it’s important to keep raising our kids with that kind of message so they don’t feel shameful about coming forward when they’re older.

Do you think ketamine treatment has been the most helpful for you?

TB: This definitely was the best thing for me. I wouldn’t have been able to do this ten years ago I don’t think, so I definitely needed the normal therapy that I had before to get me in the right mental space and an awareness level where I could actually handle what was being brought up during the ketamine sessions. My suggestion for people even thinking about it is to really spend some time with a normal therapist or a ketamine specialist who will be able to tell you if you are ready to dive deeper and go into this. A lot of times, they’ll actually have you do four weeks of work beforehand to see if you are ready for it. So, it definitely was the most enlightening and eye opening for me as far as therapy goes. 

What do you hope people take away from watching you go through this experience? 

TB: The reason why I decided to share my experience with MTV is because this is part of my story. I feel like it’s pretty vital to show people that there are other options out there. So for me, it was like, let’s advocate for mental health, let’s stop the stigma that something is wrong with you or you are irreparable, that you’re a psycho or crazy. The suicide rate for men is so high compared to women, that it’s a problem. I really wanted to put it out there because I need other guys out there to know that you don’t have to tough it out and just grind through it and all the other things people tell you to do. You are a human being with emotions.  I just wanted to educate people that there are other options out there. The more information I could put out about it, the better. 

[aroguexenolith]

I think some part of my brain is a tree. The sunlight changes going into fall and winter, and my brain wants to go dormant.

[celinegabor]

[ SELF - CARE ] A Daily Ritual to See You Through This Fall & Winter Season

Hi everyone, I hope you all are doing well. Today I wanted to discuss something that’s very important — self-care during the fall & winter. As I’m sure many of you already know, seasonal depression hits so many very hard during this time. I have been there plenty of times and want to talk about some must-dos that I use to help me continue to check in with myself, my mental wellbeing, & my physical wellbeing.

1. Love + Environment

This probably sounds so silly but it’s number one for a reason. If you are not surrounded by love around you (not just people) you need to implement that immediately. The cooler seasons can really be such a drag and shed a really gloomy light on life and our environment. Make sure yours is warm, inviting, and loving. If you’re able - allow yourself the freedom to see your favorite space as a blank canvas for creativity to flow. This space is what I call my love corner. In that corner of my home — I fill it with everything that brings me some joy or reminds me of love in my life. Fill it with memories, pictures, your favorite books, etc. And when the world seems to be a little too much — go to your space and allow love to fill you. It sounds silly, but everything you love - loves you back and waits for your return. 🤍 Spend 20 mins here everyday before you start taking care of everything else. Put yourself first.

2. Nourishment

Eat. This is a non-negotiable. And don’t just eat something meaning anything - eat what fills you in more than one way. Eat for the thing you’re mourning, missing, loving, etc. Eat for the memory of cooking with your grandmother, a friend, a lover. Prepare it slowly and with the intention that it will being you peace and some comfort. This has to be done once a day. Morning or night. Taking the time to show yourself you still deserve nourishment in spite of how you feel is an act of love your future self will appreciate.

*** I’d also heavily advise you to up your vitamin D + K12 as well as vitamin B during this time although I’m not a health professional so always check with your doctor.

3. Move Your Body

30 mins of movement minimum. Doesn’t need to be strenuous and even better if it isn’t. You have nothing to prove - this is all an act of kindness and showing yourself YOU are important & that the outside world can take its hands off of THIS part of your life. This is your freedom. Your release. Cry. Scream. Yell. Rage. Get it out.

4. Pause

Before bed, pause. If you have a journal grab it and take it to your love space & write. All of your thoughts, all of your feelings - even the ones you won’t tell yourself (nobody is going to see it - promise). You have to begin to process your pain, your mood, your emotional body. We’ve made the space in the earlier steps within your physical body - this is when we take care of the emotional need. Write until you’re ready to rest.

5. Warmth & Rest

Bed time! Make sure you’re comfortable and in a comfy position and go to bed. Put down your phone. It will be there in the morning - close your eyes. Breath deeply. And try your best to get 8 hours. This is SO incredibly monumental to mental health I promise. If you cannot rest - go to your love space with a warm blanket and a pillow and allow yourself to be comforted until you fall asleep.

——

As always my loves, love yourself first and continue to seek out the love and care that you very well deserve. You deserve to be well. You are not here to suffer and you are not alone. 🤍

X, Celine

—

Therapy & Help

SAMHSA Hotline: 1-800-662-4357

[inevitably-johnlocked]

HI STEPH! How has your December been?

Hey Lovely *HUGS*

LOL do you want the "Tumblr happy place" version or the "might be a bit depressing" version??

Tumblr-mask version: It's been alright. We've got some snow now, and it feels a bit more Christmassy. Glad I'm on holidays and just enjoying the time off :)

Real life version: We've got some snow now, and I hate snow. And life's been a bit of a gong show for the past month or so. (cw below cut, medical, retail frustration, and depression mentions)

TL;DR: It's December. Hopefully the new year looks a bit more promising <3

As you all know, this kind of all started back when my job was very uncertain. I had a bit of a brief break when I got my raise and talked with the chief of staff. Few weeks, maybe, then just the desire to have a holiday started to kick in because I realized how EXHAUSTED I was.

I recently went though a pain in the ass experience with my car's manufacturer regarding a small repair on my car that was only supposed to be a one day thing and turned into nearly 3 weeks of me not having a car and them refusing to give me a rental because I don't have an "extended warranty" even though I'm still covered under a warranty. Because of the kind of person I am, this spiralled me into a nightmare scenario of me stressing about not having a car three weeks before Christmas, fighting with the dealership to give me SOME sort of compensation (and failing) and them not being able to tell me when I get my car back – I wanted it back before my Christmas break this week because I prefer to go out during the work week when it's less busy. Anyway, coincidence or not, the missing part MYSTERIOUSLY arrived two days after I escalated my situation with the head office telling them their customer service was shit (in a nicer way, of course, LOL), so I at least have it back now. But not an experience I would wish on my worst enemy, it was THAT stressful.

Leading up to Christmas, work was insane. We're short-staffed and just... no one was "feeling it" this year. We're all tired and we all just want holidays. I took off three extra days since I still had time to book off, so my holidays started sooner than everyone else, and I am so glad I did it. I'm not looking at anything work-related for the next two weeks, thanks.

I don't like winter at all where I live (it's always gloomy and wet; rarely any sun at all), and it feels like my brain is rotting from all the Christmas shit being shoved down my throat. There, I said it. I don't like Christmas, haven't since my dad passed away 2 weeks after Christmas over a dozen years ago. I like the aesthetics of it – the lights, the decorations, the hot cocoa and fancy drinks – but it's TOO MUCH for TOO LONG, and by the time Christmas is here I am DONE. I'm TIRED of people being SHOCKED that I don't like Christmas... ugh. PLUS my seasonal depression spikes badly at Christmas because all people seem to do is like to remind me how alone I am. Like thanks, appreciate it. UGH. The only thing I like about Christmas is that my work gives us 2 weeks every year between Christmas and New Year, and I spend most of that alone watching movies, drinking cocoa or playing video games. It's wonderful. I hear about everyone in my extended family having to visit all these people on Christmas day and I'm like LOL I'm in my jammies watching the Avengers, thanks, you keep that stress.

Christmas is EXTRA kinda poopy this year because one of my closest extended family members found out they have throat cancer at the beginning of November. They're in chemo right now and in good spirits, so I'm trying to stay positive about it, but it's hard to not think about, you know?

Discovering a lot about myself in therapy, and it's mentally draining. That's all I'm comfortable sharing right now.

I'm just all around TIRED and LONELY and feel like no one cares about me, y'know? I feel like I'm never going to be anyone who accomplished something worthwhile (and before y'all say it, my BRAIN LOGICALLY KNOWS THIS IS ALL FALSE, but my wires get crossed and the depression sinks in instead with the intrusive thoughts – My therapist finds it fascinating that I have this kind of awareness and she's trying to find a way to work around it). Some days are worse than others, especially in the winter in this city going on month 2 of no sunshine, UGGGHHH. Having moods that change with the weather REALLY fucking sucks.

AND I've been looking again at getting a cat, but I think I might have to once again put it on the back-burner, because my phone is finally crapping out (it's an iPhone 6S Plus, so it's OOOOOOOLLDD by today's standards) with the camera jittering and the battery barely lasting 4 hours in standby mode, so I might have to get a new one sooner than later. AND I also want to re-look at getting a mortgage again so I'm ready when the housing market inevitably crashes and I can get a condo cheaper than 500K :/ My rent is still cheaper right now because I'm so grandfathered in that I'm paying under 1000$ right now for rent, so staying where I am is the SMART thing, but I'm miserable because the space is too small now. ANYWAY, money. Can't get a cat right now AGAIN because of money. Ugh. I'm not broke by any means, I just.......... am so annoyed my single-person groceries have gone from 50$ a week to 150$ a week, and I HATE HATE HATE it. It's ridiculous. Finally get a raise but I can never catch a break, it seems :/ It's not Avacado Toast, Karen, it's the whole damned economy.

So yeah, that's basically it. I don't talk about myself that much here because I am a fairly private person. I don't like bothering people with my problems because I always feel like a burden. Sometimes, though, I just wish I had a human person I could visit regularly to chat with (that I don't have to pay for, LOL), is all. AND my blog is my happy place, so I try to keep it positive where I can.

Hope you're having a good month, and I hope the holidays treat you well <3