#me tomorrow when i GRADUATE
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This is stupid 😭
#my art#dragon's dogma#ddda#quina#valmiro#it took me so long to draw quina's body that I just kinda gave up on her face 😭#also I know the perspective n stuff is off#and that this doesn't even look like cassardis#pretend it looks right#I wasn't really paying attention when laying it out lmao#also my hands were sweating so bad the whole time coloring this cuz I have my final GED test tomorrow#and I'm so SCARED!!! 😭#it's math and I suck at math so bad!!!!#but if I pass this month I get to graduate#wish me luck 😭🤞
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I thought my "struggling to get anything done until its very very late at night, and only for a few hours, after a full day of fatigue and laziness" behavior was a recent thing, in the wake of graduating and being unemployed and out of schooling, but its been at the very least 5 years because I made a comic about this when i was still IN college.
#talkys#like i thought the issue was no structure or routine in my life anymore#but even in college when id have 8 am class the next day id still struggle#though i also thought/think that was just senioritis. and it never went away even after graduation.#bc i rly tanked hard at the end there. like i got to a point where i didnt care anymore id do stuff like study for a huge exam 15 minutes#before walking into it and just hoped i retained enough from the 5 mins of memorization#this is distressing for me to realize LOL i rly thot it was the lack of routine....but its just Been Like This.....#every day loafing then crawling to my desk really late and still being unable to draw#then finally getting a burst of energy an hour before needing to sleep‚ promising myself ill get started earlier tomorrow#and then not doing that bc i just feel so tired all day again. mooooooo
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temporary buddies
#ffxiv#ffxiv wol#geese art#ffxiv estinien#ocs#oc: kiriltugh#okay their whole deal. they don’t get along rn. like at all#me the player? i love estinien#kiril cannot fucking stand him and vice versa#they just no notttt like each other#when estinien is calling u a friend when ur about to. hm#heavensward spoilers#about tk fight nidhogg#i read that as him being like super passive aggressive LOL#bc kiril has background w the heretics#the entire time they were traveling together kiril would just kinda grumble abt estinien being wrong abt everything#until obv they eventually found out. uh oh kiril has also been wrong about everything#and estinien was like HAH. vindication. now u see.#n like this whole time estinien’s been like you’re wasting your strength when u could be using it for the fucking city thays protecting you#asshole.#so when kiril has no choice but to fight for ishgard w no like. alternative reason#estinien’s like yeah BUDDY. come and fight with someone who’s RIGHT#PAL.#DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE.#SORRY I GRADUATED TODAY. YOU ONOW HOW IT IS.#i’ll elaborate tomorrow if anyone’s interested. whatever#i realize i have to elaborate on my ocs if i want people to be interested in them#vicious cycle
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Now I’m just depressed again
#no I don’t care about my life#call me selfish and all those other things yeah I know#you’re full of shit tho man I don’t even have a future to look forward to#stop acting like I’m worth something when I don’t even know how I’ll find a place after graduation#I don’t even want to deal with going to class tomorrow when I already have so much#my posts
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another weekend, another job rejection!
#and now no more positions are open to apply to! for now at least. some more will probably drop soon. fuck i hope so.#love just. being fucking unable to even make it into the interview phase for my extraordinarily lofty career goal#Of Working In A Fucking Library#just. so thrilled.#kazoo noises#anyway tomorrow morning i have to find a time to talk to my rabbis bc if i dont figure shit out i have to pick between becoming jewish or#graduating on time and i have fucking NO ONE i can talk to this about and ive used up like all of my good will in all of my personal#relationships already and i am So Fucking Sick of feeling mean and petty and evil all the time but my options are either fucking smile and#be noticeably fake optimistic when i get called on my bullshit or burn like all three of my last remaining bridges#i just dont see why i cant even make it to interviews. like i can accept not being the right fit or whatever. but like. it really kinda is#everyone but me whos employed by now.#man. like listen. its not my professors fault. i get that i've got her in a bad position.#but she said ''sometimes we have to pick between sources of joy'' like MAN--#do NOT speak to me about that. absolutely the FUCK not.#you! are employed and have been in this field for over a decade and i work in a grocery store with no sign of luck changing.#i need to be in this section bc 1) im not fucking doing academia with a gun pulled on me#2) i need to actually get some kind of professional experience since its clear i can't actually get a job on merit so i guess i will pay to#go further into debt#anyway no one is around to talk to me about this and i hate bitching to my friends about how fucking hopeless i feel all the fucking time s#everyone please look away from my diary posting and think of me as sexy and fun and bubbly <3333#like. its literally no ones fault so i should not be this fucking resentful.#and yet.#yeah im probably not getting classed as a good person for another several years. shame. ive always wanted to be good.#library travails
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sharing one of my all-time fave poems totally not because I spent the last hour crying uncontrollably over graduating <3 LMAO
LISTEN I LOVE YOU JOY IS COMING!!!
Text version here.
#when rachel cries it's bad because rachel doesnt cry!!!!#you ever........ grieve for a location <3#it's not like I'm even obsessed with the city I live in rn but#a younger version of me was#and it's not like I even like my degree now#but a younger version of me did!!!!#not the impending future looming upon me lmao#my last class will likely be tuesday (likely because I might... skip some LMAO) so I'm just... in it#writing session at the starbucks turned into writing session at the library's coffee shop#which I used to go to every week to visit a friend in first year & I loved it#which then turned into writing in the student union building which might be one of the last times I ever go there#& my last week of classes ever starts tomorrow#umm not it coinciding with holy week um that's very lonancore of you university#I OBVIOUSLY live very far away from my uni city so I'll probably never come back here ever again#the autism is rlly autisming about this LOL#to everyone else graduating this month...#LISTEN I LOVE YOU JOY IS COMING
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mannnnnnnnbb fuck November I’m so tired of feeling lonely in my own life.
#lee’s bullshit#even being in [redacted] will not save you from the depths of November#trying to remind myself things are always changing and I can’t stop putting myself out there but I am tired.#what I am doing clearly is not enough in any respect and I am tired of feeling so worn to the bone all the time.#huge social miss today at the function. woke up late and ruined the schedule. couldn’t make a clear decision on dinner.#haven’t found a replacement roommate. haven’t finished my portfolio. haven’t applied to internships. haven’t finished my final project.#behind on everything and with every step I take I get pulled further and further backwards.#my roommate is graduating early and i feel like it’s my fault.#i shouldn’t blame myself for someone else’s bad behavior but im still beating myself up for being a cause for it.#my other roommate wants to move out to live on her own next year.#also blaming myself for that even tho its always on me to fix the mess of housing every damn semester#I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m not doing enough and even when I am that it just simply doesn’t matter.#saw one of my friends today but only for an hour. texting the group is like sending a blind pigeon out in a gale.#I know that things will get better but it’s just so hard . if someone genuinely asked how I was doing I could cry on the spot.#none of my friends are close enough anymore not at home not at school not in my family. there’s nowhere to go.#just tired. Going to go to bed soon. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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being homesick and changing as a person so much the place you grew up in isn't your home anymore is such a core part of ati and upon further inspection i think i was projecting a little
#like yea that is a very common basic thing that happens to a lot if not most adults#but also i think i get homesick a bit too easy#when i moved away from home i moved to the closest big city that's only an hour away and i was already deeply familiar with it#but i was so sad despite knowing i personally could never thrive in my hometown#i wanted to experience the big city but it was so scary and it still is and i miss the comforts of my hometown but it's not just me that#has changed#dont get me wrong i wouldnt move back bc i have hobbies and friends and a job and most likely a career in the city i live in#and this truly is a place i don't think i could ever move away from. unless it is to a neighboring city#it's so hard for me to imagine there are people who move not just across the country but a completely different country and they just. adap#i could never. i was visiting my hometown every week for like the first year i lived here#i eventually want to move to a bigger apartment and ive been looking at places already even tho i need to graduate before doing that#and i'm. getting homesick just thinking about moving to a different part of the city.#i like the area i live in. i like the cornerstore and the distance to the closest grocery stores and parks#i like how my grandma used to live in this area when she was around my age#i'm not good with change and i know it but there are several things about moving that make me miserable#like yeah obviously i will move out from my single bedroom apartment when i can and i'll be so happy and it'll be good for me#but despite having lived here for only a bit more than 4 years i'll miss this apartment. i have so many good memories from here and i'll#never be able to visit it again and have it feel the same#but that's the least sad thing imo. i dread being in a different area more lmao#but it's fine i know i'll adapt as long as i don't have to move to a different city ever again gfsahgak#idk ive had a long day and im feeling a bit melancholic#i'll sleep in tomorrow >:3c#leevi talks
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I dont fuckint want to wake up at 8am to go to this ceremony it is actually fucking torture i think.
#red rambles#me when i have to get up several hours earlier than i like to go to something that will include a 'loudest college challenge' wherein my#college promised to *hand out noisemakers*#instead of the actually relevant graduation which is at 1800 tomorrow instead
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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you ever go 'man im doin great actually!!' then you listen to 1 marginally sad song and start openly weeping and go 'hm wait i think there might be something amiss actually'
#im fine like actually. im just gonna be alone on my bday for the first time tomorrow and ive been bummed about it#and the store only had banana cake [i hate banana flavour] so i didnt get to buy myself a tiny cake treat#and i put on Fast Car cause its a good bpm to walk to when im tired and it all crumbled down#so i am Fine but didnt realize i was this sad about it. both my close folks on campus graduated last year and this is the first year i wont#be around my family ON my birthday. and then ADDITIONALLY i am not close to anyone here. all my friends are 2 or more hours away#just that and not physically touching another human for about two months now is bringing sadness#not that im even a big touch person. just the fact its been NOTHIN#just not how i wanted to turn 21 but. what can ya do.#my siblings and friends will probably rally me tomorrow to do a group game or something#just to try and celebrate with me so it wont be all bad#just bummed. gonna go play stardew valley and water my plant#.yappin
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Actually fuck reading the part 4 manga. Berserk reread time!!!!!!
#God you can tell when i feel an emotional storm coming from when i feel the urge to read Berserk for the hundredth time#graduation tomorrow and uh. its gonna be interesting dealing with people asking me what im doing now#But!!! Berserk!!!#my good friend Guts is getting through all that life throws at him i can to!!#if people still protect and love Casca maybe i am worthy of love to even if i cant do what i should#OKAY THAT GOT TOO REAL REALLLLL QUICK#haha. dark gory manga is comfort manga to me. hahah#might reread the black swordsman chapters and look for all the vulnerability and trauma that Guts has even then#for shits and giggles yk
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video games....
#mine#i love my steam deck sooooooooo much im so happy i can actually play games again like a big proper library of them#and everything#everything on steam AND emulators is available to me. do you know how many games that is!#i started a new beegee3 playthrough on the HARDEST DIFFICULTY (!) today. which is also a single-save difficulty#and im in one of the most difficult parts of the game right now (level 4) and kind of nervous lol#but at the same time im really proud of myself for learning the game to the point i feel comfortable challenging myself in it#and im happy i get to at all :D i love you video games#and sooner or later ill come back to stardew valley cause there was that big update and i have some games on my wishlist too#and its not verified yet but i might play that pomeranian making the house dirty game cause it looked cute#oh and yakuza also because my friend got two of the yakuzas for me#YAYYYYY GAMES#also kind of sad though because tomorrow i pack and sunday i go back for babys last quarter of college#and im worried about how busy its going to be with classes and job apps and then of course actually graduating#and moving out and haivng a job and stuff#when all i want is to enjoy being able to play video games again.... sig#sigh*#WHATEVER...future mes problem#oh i almost forgot...one of the best parts of the deck imo is the versatility because with games like beegee3#you can play it in controller mode which has its pros and cons but you can also swap to computer mode#which also has its pros and cons so like. i can adjust as needed#when im just exploring or trying to loot an area etc i go controller#but when im in combat i go computer because the hotbar is REALLY helpful for decision making#its really nice to have the option to choose since no console players have that it seems#and the only pc players who can do that are the ones who have and are willing to connect controllers#and most of them dont seem to be into that#but im really glad to be able to do both#ok done yapping now
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there's a small chance i should work on uhh my actual job instead. but what if i just... watched the last two episodes of bly manor to cope with... you know. life
#ngl i forgot about ep 8 hsgjdfhsjd#i've been so busy it took me like two months to watch hill house and bly manor. i was like a week stuck on ep 7 of bly hgsjdfhgjf#okay so i think tomorrow might decide if/when my thesis gets approved. when i have to defend it. and when i graduate so... no pressure#i should probably watch this tonight right? or save the finale for tomorrow?#hmm i think i'll watch it
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Song of the Day: May 22
"And So It Goes” Billy Joel cover by Jennifer Warnes
#song of the day#I'd never heard this version of the song before that fanvid I reblogged earlier and it is by far my favorite now#no shade to Billy Joel but damn#'and so it goes and so it goes / and you're the only one / who knows'#truly heartbreaking delivery#in other news today I got the first third of the Idiot Project completed#(clarification: there are three segments and I've been working on them all and now one is completely done and I'm very glad#I'm not only just now 33% of the way done with the project overall. I'd become a mollusc)#I had a breakthrough with the financials data I've been trying to compile#the 'correct' numbers I've been told to compare myself to don't include all the transactions!#there are specific internals codes I should have known to exclude because they get recorded but never reported#a very frustrating epiphany but whatever. I get it#(I mean to say. the best borscht in cherry grove is money laundering but my university is operating by 'pass-along agreement'#okay sure whatever y'all say. not my business and I'm not mad. I'm just sipping my tea real loud don't mind me)#I got this information too thoroughly wrapped in 'you should already know this obvious thing' to actually get an explanation#but I can see the shape of it if I squint. there's a politics bit going on and I get it. I do get it. but y'all. it's the shape of bullshit#anyway now I know how it works and I can account for it so I've built in a little filter and now my financials data makes sense!!#it actually makes sense now babes this is huge!! two months!! two months of the Idiot Project and now it's a third-chunk down!!#tomorrow I will make no progress whatsoever because I have to work graduation but on Friday when I have my stupid awful meeting!#she will ask me again if I am done! and I will say Look!! I am 1 out of 3 done!!#she will not be impressed but I will know. I will know she is wrong
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my test went well btw (despite the slow damage brain rot). if u even care
#i got a 16 out of 20#pretty good considering i hardly studied#not bc im smart#bc i had no time and no brain cells left#is it possible to graduate and feel dumber than when u got in?#bc i feel like thats exactly whats happening to me lol#i was suppossed to go to class tomorrow#but then i realized i should go to the bank to solve a problem with my banking app info#but im extremely tired#so i'll just stay home and rest#try to have a good night of sleep by taking three different sleep aids#also i took one of them twice so#we'll see what happens!#just a lil life update even tho only like. three ppl care lol
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