#me tomorrow when i GRADUATE
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This is stupid 😭
#my art#dragon's dogma#ddda#quina#valmiro#it took me so long to draw quina's body that I just kinda gave up on her face 😭#also I know the perspective n stuff is off#and that this doesn't even look like cassardis#pretend it looks right#I wasn't really paying attention when laying it out lmao#also my hands were sweating so bad the whole time coloring this cuz I have my final GED test tomorrow#and I'm so SCARED!!! 😭#it's math and I suck at math so bad!!!!#but if I pass this month I get to graduate#wish me luck 😭🤞
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I thought my "struggling to get anything done until its very very late at night, and only for a few hours, after a full day of fatigue and laziness" behavior was a recent thing, in the wake of graduating and being unemployed and out of schooling, but its been at the very least 5 years because I made a comic about this when i was still IN college.
#talkys#like i thought the issue was no structure or routine in my life anymore#but even in college when id have 8 am class the next day id still struggle#though i also thought/think that was just senioritis. and it never went away even after graduation.#bc i rly tanked hard at the end there. like i got to a point where i didnt care anymore id do stuff like study for a huge exam 15 minutes#before walking into it and just hoped i retained enough from the 5 mins of memorization#this is distressing for me to realize LOL i rly thot it was the lack of routine....but its just Been Like This.....#every day loafing then crawling to my desk really late and still being unable to draw#then finally getting a burst of energy an hour before needing to sleep‚ promising myself ill get started earlier tomorrow#and then not doing that bc i just feel so tired all day again. mooooooo
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temporary buddies
#ffxiv#ffxiv wol#geese art#ffxiv estinien#ocs#oc: kiriltugh#okay their whole deal. they don’t get along rn. like at all#me the player? i love estinien#kiril cannot fucking stand him and vice versa#they just no notttt like each other#when estinien is calling u a friend when ur about to. hm#heavensward spoilers#about tk fight nidhogg#i read that as him being like super passive aggressive LOL#bc kiril has background w the heretics#the entire time they were traveling together kiril would just kinda grumble abt estinien being wrong abt everything#until obv they eventually found out. uh oh kiril has also been wrong about everything#and estinien was like HAH. vindication. now u see.#n like this whole time estinien’s been like you’re wasting your strength when u could be using it for the fucking city thays protecting you#asshole.#so when kiril has no choice but to fight for ishgard w no like. alternative reason#estinien’s like yeah BUDDY. come and fight with someone who’s RIGHT#PAL.#DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE.#SORRY I GRADUATED TODAY. YOU ONOW HOW IT IS.#i’ll elaborate tomorrow if anyone’s interested. whatever#i realize i have to elaborate on my ocs if i want people to be interested in them#vicious cycle
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Now I’m just depressed again
#no I don’t care about my life#call me selfish and all those other things yeah I know#you’re full of shit tho man I don’t even have a future to look forward to#stop acting like I’m worth something when I don’t even know how I’ll find a place after graduation#I don’t even want to deal with going to class tomorrow when I already have so much#my posts
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sharing one of my all-time fave poems totally not because I spent the last hour crying uncontrollably over graduating <3 LMAO
LISTEN I LOVE YOU JOY IS COMING!!!
Text version here.
#when rachel cries it's bad because rachel doesnt cry!!!!#you ever........ grieve for a location <3#it's not like I'm even obsessed with the city I live in rn but#a younger version of me was#and it's not like I even like my degree now#but a younger version of me did!!!!#not the impending future looming upon me lmao#my last class will likely be tuesday (likely because I might... skip some LMAO) so I'm just... in it#writing session at the starbucks turned into writing session at the library's coffee shop#which I used to go to every week to visit a friend in first year & I loved it#which then turned into writing in the student union building which might be one of the last times I ever go there#& my last week of classes ever starts tomorrow#umm not it coinciding with holy week um that's very lonancore of you university#I OBVIOUSLY live very far away from my uni city so I'll probably never come back here ever again#the autism is rlly autisming about this LOL#to everyone else graduating this month...#LISTEN I LOVE YOU JOY IS COMING
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another weekend, another job rejection!
#and now no more positions are open to apply to! for now at least. some more will probably drop soon. fuck i hope so.#love just. being fucking unable to even make it into the interview phase for my extraordinarily lofty career goal#Of Working In A Fucking Library#just. so thrilled.#kazoo noises#anyway tomorrow morning i have to find a time to talk to my rabbis bc if i dont figure shit out i have to pick between becoming jewish or#graduating on time and i have fucking NO ONE i can talk to this about and ive used up like all of my good will in all of my personal#relationships already and i am So Fucking Sick of feeling mean and petty and evil all the time but my options are either fucking smile and#be noticeably fake optimistic when i get called on my bullshit or burn like all three of my last remaining bridges#i just dont see why i cant even make it to interviews. like i can accept not being the right fit or whatever. but like. it really kinda is#everyone but me whos employed by now.#man. like listen. its not my professors fault. i get that i've got her in a bad position.#but she said ''sometimes we have to pick between sources of joy'' like MAN--#do NOT speak to me about that. absolutely the FUCK not.#you! are employed and have been in this field for over a decade and i work in a grocery store with no sign of luck changing.#i need to be in this section bc 1) im not fucking doing academia with a gun pulled on me#2) i need to actually get some kind of professional experience since its clear i can't actually get a job on merit so i guess i will pay to#go further into debt#anyway no one is around to talk to me about this and i hate bitching to my friends about how fucking hopeless i feel all the fucking time s#everyone please look away from my diary posting and think of me as sexy and fun and bubbly <3333#like. its literally no ones fault so i should not be this fucking resentful.#and yet.#yeah im probably not getting classed as a good person for another several years. shame. ive always wanted to be good.#library travails
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being homesick and changing as a person so much the place you grew up in isn't your home anymore is such a core part of ati and upon further inspection i think i was projecting a little
#like yea that is a very common basic thing that happens to a lot if not most adults#but also i think i get homesick a bit too easy#when i moved away from home i moved to the closest big city that's only an hour away and i was already deeply familiar with it#but i was so sad despite knowing i personally could never thrive in my hometown#i wanted to experience the big city but it was so scary and it still is and i miss the comforts of my hometown but it's not just me that#has changed#dont get me wrong i wouldnt move back bc i have hobbies and friends and a job and most likely a career in the city i live in#and this truly is a place i don't think i could ever move away from. unless it is to a neighboring city#it's so hard for me to imagine there are people who move not just across the country but a completely different country and they just. adap#i could never. i was visiting my hometown every week for like the first year i lived here#i eventually want to move to a bigger apartment and ive been looking at places already even tho i need to graduate before doing that#and i'm. getting homesick just thinking about moving to a different part of the city.#i like the area i live in. i like the cornerstore and the distance to the closest grocery stores and parks#i like how my grandma used to live in this area when she was around my age#i'm not good with change and i know it but there are several things about moving that make me miserable#like yeah obviously i will move out from my single bedroom apartment when i can and i'll be so happy and it'll be good for me#but despite having lived here for only a bit more than 4 years i'll miss this apartment. i have so many good memories from here and i'll#never be able to visit it again and have it feel the same#but that's the least sad thing imo. i dread being in a different area more lmao#but it's fine i know i'll adapt as long as i don't have to move to a different city ever again gfsahgak#idk ive had a long day and im feeling a bit melancholic#i'll sleep in tomorrow >:3c#leevi talks
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I dont fuckint want to wake up at 8am to go to this ceremony it is actually fucking torture i think.
#red rambles#me when i have to get up several hours earlier than i like to go to something that will include a 'loudest college challenge' wherein my#college promised to *hand out noisemakers*#instead of the actually relevant graduation which is at 1800 tomorrow instead
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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Actually fuck reading the part 4 manga. Berserk reread time!!!!!!
#God you can tell when i feel an emotional storm coming from when i feel the urge to read Berserk for the hundredth time#graduation tomorrow and uh. its gonna be interesting dealing with people asking me what im doing now#But!!! Berserk!!!#my good friend Guts is getting through all that life throws at him i can to!!#if people still protect and love Casca maybe i am worthy of love to even if i cant do what i should#OKAY THAT GOT TOO REAL REALLLLL QUICK#haha. dark gory manga is comfort manga to me. hahah#might reread the black swordsman chapters and look for all the vulnerability and trauma that Guts has even then#for shits and giggles yk
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video games....
#mine#i love my steam deck sooooooooo much im so happy i can actually play games again like a big proper library of them#and everything#everything on steam AND emulators is available to me. do you know how many games that is!#i started a new beegee3 playthrough on the HARDEST DIFFICULTY (!) today. which is also a single-save difficulty#and im in one of the most difficult parts of the game right now (level 4) and kind of nervous lol#but at the same time im really proud of myself for learning the game to the point i feel comfortable challenging myself in it#and im happy i get to at all :D i love you video games#and sooner or later ill come back to stardew valley cause there was that big update and i have some games on my wishlist too#and its not verified yet but i might play that pomeranian making the house dirty game cause it looked cute#oh and yakuza also because my friend got two of the yakuzas for me#YAYYYYY GAMES#also kind of sad though because tomorrow i pack and sunday i go back for babys last quarter of college#and im worried about how busy its going to be with classes and job apps and then of course actually graduating#and moving out and haivng a job and stuff#when all i want is to enjoy being able to play video games again.... sig#sigh*#WHATEVER...future mes problem#oh i almost forgot...one of the best parts of the deck imo is the versatility because with games like beegee3#you can play it in controller mode which has its pros and cons but you can also swap to computer mode#which also has its pros and cons so like. i can adjust as needed#when im just exploring or trying to loot an area etc i go controller#but when im in combat i go computer because the hotbar is REALLY helpful for decision making#its really nice to have the option to choose since no console players have that it seems#and the only pc players who can do that are the ones who have and are willing to connect controllers#and most of them dont seem to be into that#but im really glad to be able to do both#ok done yapping now
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there's a small chance i should work on uhh my actual job instead. but what if i just... watched the last two episodes of bly manor to cope with... you know. life
#ngl i forgot about ep 8 hsgjdfhsjd#i've been so busy it took me like two months to watch hill house and bly manor. i was like a week stuck on ep 7 of bly hgsjdfhgjf#okay so i think tomorrow might decide if/when my thesis gets approved. when i have to defend it. and when i graduate so... no pressure#i should probably watch this tonight right? or save the finale for tomorrow?#hmm i think i'll watch it
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Song of the Day: May 22
"And So It Goes” Billy Joel cover by Jennifer Warnes
#song of the day#I'd never heard this version of the song before that fanvid I reblogged earlier and it is by far my favorite now#no shade to Billy Joel but damn#'and so it goes and so it goes / and you're the only one / who knows'#truly heartbreaking delivery#in other news today I got the first third of the Idiot Project completed#(clarification: there are three segments and I've been working on them all and now one is completely done and I'm very glad#I'm not only just now 33% of the way done with the project overall. I'd become a mollusc)#I had a breakthrough with the financials data I've been trying to compile#the 'correct' numbers I've been told to compare myself to don't include all the transactions!#there are specific internals codes I should have known to exclude because they get recorded but never reported#a very frustrating epiphany but whatever. I get it#(I mean to say. the best borscht in cherry grove is money laundering but my university is operating by 'pass-along agreement'#okay sure whatever y'all say. not my business and I'm not mad. I'm just sipping my tea real loud don't mind me)#I got this information too thoroughly wrapped in 'you should already know this obvious thing' to actually get an explanation#but I can see the shape of it if I squint. there's a politics bit going on and I get it. I do get it. but y'all. it's the shape of bullshit#anyway now I know how it works and I can account for it so I've built in a little filter and now my financials data makes sense!!#it actually makes sense now babes this is huge!! two months!! two months of the Idiot Project and now it's a third-chunk down!!#tomorrow I will make no progress whatsoever because I have to work graduation but on Friday when I have my stupid awful meeting!#she will ask me again if I am done! and I will say Look!! I am 1 out of 3 done!!#she will not be impressed but I will know. I will know she is wrong
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my test went well btw (despite the slow damage brain rot). if u even care
#i got a 16 out of 20#pretty good considering i hardly studied#not bc im smart#bc i had no time and no brain cells left#is it possible to graduate and feel dumber than when u got in?#bc i feel like thats exactly whats happening to me lol#i was suppossed to go to class tomorrow#but then i realized i should go to the bank to solve a problem with my banking app info#but im extremely tired#so i'll just stay home and rest#try to have a good night of sleep by taking three different sleep aids#also i took one of them twice so#we'll see what happens!#just a lil life update even tho only like. three ppl care lol
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Stuff in tags, only wanna semi-scream into the void
...
#nils talking#feeling very tired after this week#the start was so full of uncertainty and while a bit of relief has set in#I'm just drained#tomorrow I'll be visiting a friend for a semi-regular thing and I'm not really in the mood#but I also don't wanna cancel so I hope I'll just feel better tomorrow than I did the last few days#bc I do feel kinda lonely rn and like I'm treading water#I need change and closure and I won't get it before the year is over#too many variables too much that still needs to happen first#but there could be smaller changes that are less drastic#connections that don't need to be for a long time but rather beautiful moments#or a deepening of connections I already have but which are very marginal#at the moment I see both potential within me but also my current limits and limitations#anyway I just hope that the next few months will bring happiness and progress for me#I don't wish to fade away into the background#I want to try my best at making an impact and being remembered fondly#to not just be the awkward fat person that stood in the corner of the party#or who was just a random fellow student or coworker#I hate feeling powerless but it's so difficult to change things when you lack the energy#sorry about this if you read this you're entitled to compensation#also for the record I don't recommend looking up what former classmates are doing a decade after graduating school#it's a mostly depressing affair
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Kevin and thea? Questionable at best legal yikes at worst
BUT
Thea literally didn't talk to Kevin for a year and a half when he ghosted her after breaking his hand "skiing" when she's literally an Olympic athlete in her mid 20's and came in guns blazing and Kevin still pulled?? Honestly idk if that makes it worse on her part
#like she waited for almost 2 years for kevin#madly in love or unhealthy attachment#its 3 am and im not sure if sentences ate sentencing so..#take what you will#have i been with someone significantly older than me for years?#yes#but i wasnt like 12 when we started seeing eachother#so points for me#no points for thea#that boy was a baby#but now youre both in your 20s and ugh#wait they didnt talk from when she graduated from being a raven. so actually 2 years#on that note its bedtime#aftg#all for the game#when i reread this tomorrow i might delete it#depends on if it makes any sense#or has a point
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