#like i thought the issue was no structure or routine in my life anymore

[skunkes]

I thought my "struggling to get anything done until its very very late at night, and only for a few hours, after a full day of fatigue and laziness" behavior was a recent thing, in the wake of graduating and being unemployed and out of schooling, but its been at the very least 5 years because I made a comic about this when i was still IN college.

[joanofexys]

I've got like 10 minutes before I promised myself I'd get my shit together and I don't go to therapy anymore so I'm dumping it all here. I will be deleting this later dw

Life has just fucking sucked lately. And not in the way that bad stuff is happening I'm just being forced to deal with the bad stuff that's already happened

A week ago I told my friends about the time the guy I was seeing in October tried to corner me in the props closet and SA me and how I got out of there quick cause I didn't "want it to happen again" which was also their first time finding out I've been sexually assaulted ever. And we just didn't talk about it and we haven't talked about it and we're not going to talk about it. I just really don't know how to cope with the fact that I told someone. Verbally. With words. Not just writing "I'm an SA survivor" on some random vent post on the internet

My best friend ever is a completely different person and all she wants to talk about is her ex-girlfriend who she broke up with months ago and I still love her dearly but shit's just feeling really one sided and no matter how I try and shift the conversation it always goes back to her and her ex

I'm still living at home for college and I'm sharing space with a lot of people and I'm just realizing my family really doesn't know how to talk to each other. I know we love each other but I really don't think we like each other and if we didn't live in the same house none of us would ever be friends

My brother is falling back into the cult we were raised in. My family is still part of that religion, just not the cult aspect, we left, but he's getting really intense about it again. He has scriptures written on this like wall sized whiteboard and he wears a jesus necklace and he preaches to me about sin and how important missions are and church is. And it's just getting really fucking weird and i'm being forced to grapple with all the religious shit I don't like to think about ever

I'm never invited to hang out with friend group. In fact, they specifically uninvite me from these/invite everyone but me to my face half the time. the other half of the time they lie about being busy and then post pictures of them all together

I feel somewhat unloveable and really really fucking unlikable. Like I'm a nuisance to everyone I try to talk to and they just speak to me like I'm fucking stupid and I'm not getting something that they all already know.

All my safe foods taste like fucking garbage. and when you're recovered from an ED and you're autistic and adhd with hella sensory issues that's not a good thing. So I'm not really eating unless someone puts something on a plate in front of me.

I haven't been actively suicidal in a hot minute but the passive suicide ideation is definitely still a major problem and I'm trying to redirect destructive habits but it's really hard when nothing's in my control and I have nothing but those things to control despite knowing it's not good for me.

I'm just fucked up right now and becoming an adult and graduating and having to start all over basically has really just made it hit that I don't actually have the support system I thought I did and that makes it feel like I haven't been doing as good as I thought I was and maybe I didn't make very much progress at all and I've just been tricking myself into thinking that I'm healing and moving on and getting better when in fact I've just been stuck in the same place. And I really don't know how to function as a person out in the world without my usual structure and routines and people and having that change is really fucking scary

[twentysevenchar]

Edward Flores

one of my 100+ characters, no that number isn't an exaggeration. His universe is an alternate history sort of thing which is vaguely 1900s-1930s, at least in terms of technology. Histories change, France doesn't fuck up with Spain, international spheres of influence change along with cultural exchange. That all is secondary though. infodump ahead

Edward Flores He/Him Straight cis man 25 Background

Lives in a major city in alternate France. He stays with his older cousin and shares an apartment with him.

Works as a music teacher for wealthy clients/their children

Has that aforementioned older cousin on his mother's side, older by six years. His mother is Spanish, his father is English+French. His father comes from wealth and invested a lot into Edward's education.

6 feet tall and skinny. He has freckles across his cheeks/nose, and more faintly on his hands. Dresses nice, but without intent to impress people or show off.

He became blind at seventeen due to illness (most likely meningitis; I'm still looking into it). He doesn't have cataracts/"milky eyes". He's completely blind in one eye and has limited, fluctuating vision in the other. He can only visually focus on one or two things at once, and it gets worse with busy or cluttered spaces, or if he's stressed. Uses a cane outdoors or in unfamiliar places. I think tinted glasses exist here, so he uses them on sunny days due to photophobia. Dislikes snow because it reflects light.

Also has migraines and seizures, though the latter have calmed down with time. He easily loses his train of thought or forgets what he's doing. When he goes out, he prefers having someone trusted with him to keep him grounded. Personality

He was very shy and prone to anxiety as a child. As a teenager, he took on a cheerful, loud, clownish personality to mask that anxiety. In his adulthood he is still that way, but his added experience and wisdom means that he's not childish or impulsive anymore. He's easy to warm up to and good-natured.

Tries to keep a positive outlook on things. He usually doesn't fall victim to toxic positivity like he used to, but he knows the importance of recognizing good things in life and appreciating them.

Very loving; he prefers to show it physically or through quality time, unable to really express everything he feels in words. Cuddly and likes to give platonic touch.

Almost always ends up crying from anxiety during personal conflict or arguments, something brought on by his neurological issues. He can still manage to power through and talk, but it will happen. He's embarrassed about it but pretends not to be.

Feels like he knows the sort of person he is/has a strong sense of identity. Not flaky when it comes to his values.

Almost too willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. Gives second chances to people who don't really deserve them.

Tends to do things based off of intuition, emotions, and his own moral code. He's unwilling to harm anyone, to lie or cheat unless it saves someone, to be cruel. He tends to snap at people when he's stressed out or sick, but will always apologize once he feels better.

Bad at providing verbal support, so his go-to for cheering people up is distraction. If they prefer to stay inside or not be around many people, he'll make sure they're fed.

Loves getting showered in praise, but only if he feels he deserves it through hard work. Does not want people to pity him.

His mind wanders and he easily gets sidetracked. He prefers structure and routine because of this.

Honest, but he won't immediately say something to you. When he does, he tries his hardest to be gentle about it. He used to be non-confrontational, but he eventually realized that it was making him an angrier person; he wouldn't say anything when someone upset him, so the frustration would build up until he's getting pissed off about something that on its own doesn't warrant that reaction. He doesn't want to be that way anymore.

Likes to stay busy, must be convinced to rest and slow down when he's visibly unwell and still trying to work. He doesn't want to "lose time" to sleep. Interests, habits, preferences etc.

His primary thing is music. He's played the violin since he was a young child and considers it his best skill. He can play piano, but it isn't his favorite. He also sings; because of the style he was trained in, he does one-on-one lessons (rather than choir). He has a nice tenor voice. Sheet music is difficult to read; I think he might have access to braille and use it in this context. Either way, learning new music is a long process. Once he gets it down in his mind, it comes much easier to him because he's a good musician with a good musical memory.

He used to despise poetry as a kid, but it grew on him as he got older. It's harder for him to read it now, but he can have someone read it to him. He particularly likes poetry themed around nature and love, rather than darker or more severe subjects.

He dresses nice just because he's used to it. Though he does prefer to be in light clothing/material. Never wears gloves indoors, because he dislikes the feel of them and the loss of some tactile sensation. See below- I think fancier clothing as seen in the middle is still a norm for the upper class, but fashion is trending toward a more modern look. Edward wears these older colorful coats, but in daily life and on the street, he would likely wear the more plain frock coat and vest.

Wears his hair in either a braid or loose ponytail, the latter usually being reserved for relaxed days where he doesn't have any business to attend to. Long hair, albeit tied back, is a cultural norm here, so he's not gender-nonconforming at all.

Adores kids, has definitely thought about being a father in the future, but he just cannot stand the noise. He's not quite old enough to really fill a father figure role for anyone, but he would be a good dad.

He enjoys teaching and wants his students to be comfortable, and to impart on them an appreciation of music. He can get flowery and kind of dramatic about it at times.

Gestures a lot with his hands. This used to be voluntary as a way of playing up an extroverted persona, but he's merged with the act. There is no stopping the waving hands. Has probably smacked his cousin in the face on accident before.

He tends to speak quickly, unless he's having one of those days where words won't come to him.

Smiles a lot to put people at ease

Good posture

He prefers eating small meals throughout the day because it won't upset his stomach.

Doesn't like napping because it usually gives him headaches. If he does need to lie down due to exhaustion or a migraine, he needs the room completely dark and will press a pillow to the top of his face (me too).

Cat person. His girlfriend Ivy has a cat

Early to bed early to rise

Has driven a car once since becoming blind and it was at night. That was during an escapade with Ivy's friends where he accidentally ended up in the driver's seat. The car ended up in someone's field, but luckily nobody was hurt beyond a bloody nose (and Edward's panic). Never doing that again if he can help it.

Favorite season is spring. Most pleasant weather where he lives, perfect for sitting in the garden. Not much with story plot, but I like him ❤️ As a character I think he's around three years old now. He's gone through a lot of backstory evolution. My first concept for him was more of a mad scientist type thing

[kreeperslash]

Journal/Memories Pt. 2

Today is my last day in Australia with C we had plans but they changed due to somethings needing to be done before we can actually spend time together. I honestly wish I could give her a better last day together I really do. But wishing and doing it are obviously two different things.

We are spending some time in silence at one of the usual playground we go to for C to go on the swing. I know C doesn't want to cry anymore about the situation which is why she keeps a neutral or stoic face/attitude. But I guess the faster I go the better we can start a healing process between us. It can't be seen but the time is 4:14 PM and it looks so late I'll be having to board my flight tomorrow in the morning and be gone by 11:00 AM

I'm honestly scared for tomorrow I've never had memories of my birth place in Mexico I came so young to the US. Now to be back in a place I'll feel more alien than my move to Australia. My Spanish is fine albeit a bit degraded since I typically speak in English as my preferred language so only really speaking in Spanish will be a rather jaring experience for me. Actually my writing part of Spanish is pretty awful like really really bad I hope to manage it somehow. My last night with the one I love will be like how it was last night scary, thoughts racing in my head, constantly moving in my bed, stomach cramps, etc. I wish life wasn't hard and it was easy kinda like how going to school was easy since it was so structured and everyone had a routine.

Back to the other part of my journal relating to me and C relationship history and how it build up (Refer to Pt. 1). Texting C was always a great time they felt as if it was a person I always knew in life. Texting and our topics never felt force funny enough with how bad I am at explaining things C thought I worked as some hitman because I said I did odd-jobs currently. They always had such a weird imagination or thought process but to me that made them special compared to majority of the people I talk to. Weird that I would end up having feelings for them so quickly in the couple weeks after we met (I really wouldn't call it weird I rather say it was some force driving me to love them). We still meet up in the game Smallworlds to talk and hang around different rooms/worlds. Well anyways some time passes and I just confess to them that I like them and well C also liked me. But couple things were a problem the distance between us which we realized didn't really matter even if I was in the US and they were in Australia since love can overcome such issues if you put enough effort. And I guess the other was are we moving to fast on this and should we just wait a bit to see if we still actually had feelings for each other. (Feels like I'm rambling and not making this be comprehensive maybe I'll fix it later, probably not knowing I'll keep updating this not everyday like right now since there's so much to write and talk about).

Still for a last day together it's beautiful and we will be heading home soon to watch some shows and finish up packing my carry on and I'll be leaving C some hidden notes I hope they find once I'm gone (hopefully for a while to get myself fixed mentally and well I guess grow up as a person).

[blackgirl-galactica]

The Story of the Signs 👫🏿👭🏾👨🏿‍🤝‍👨🏾♈️♉️♊️

NOTE: WHILE I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL ASTROLOGER I LIKE ASTROLOGY AND IT’S ASPECTS! PLEASE DO NOT STEAL OR REPOST MY WORK WITHOUT CREDIT!! THANK YOU!

-Hey y’all!

-So I was thinking of the 12 signs and how it evolves from Aries to Pisces, and I thought I do this cute little post! 😆. I call this “The Story of the Signs.”

Aries

“You know, I’m tired of always fighting and exerting energy for things I want. Sometimes I just want to take the simpler route.”

From here we create 👉 TAURUS

Taurus

“You know, the simple life is nice, but I need to get more social and start getting into things that interest me! Even if it’s not a part of my routine, just the enjoyment of it.”

From here we create 👉 GEMINI

Gemini

“You know, I get tired of socializing and not feeling like I have close connections. I want to use my nurturing energy too. I just want to be around the people closest to me like family and close friends. I don’t wanna party anymore I wanna stay at home.”

From here we create 👉 CANCER

Cancer

“You know I’m always hidden in my comfort zone, when am I gonna get out there? When am I gonna go out there and let people know I am that bitch? When am I gonna go out and be seen? I’m so used to catering to my home life and being the boss of that area, but who said I can’t be the boss in other areas of my life too????”

From here we create👉LEO

Leo

“You know I love being out there, but why am I seen just to be seen? I feel like bringing more depth to the table 🧐. More use of intellect, more discernment, more everything!! I need to be stricter about my image. I need to make sure everything is in place if I’m gonna keep this route!”

From here we create👉 VIRGO

Virgo

“You know all this organization and trying to put everything in place makes me tired. I like it, but I feel like I’m too harsh with it. I need to learn to be balanced and relaxed with my intellect, and also use my intellect as a good networking skill instead of just stepping on toes all the time. Plus, my viewpoint isn’t absolute, other’s have good opinions too.”

From here we create 👉 LIBRA

Libra

“You know hearing people out and trying to be neutral is cool until people start thinking they can play with me. 🧐 Who knew being a cool, chill person can attract such messy people?????? Like these folks are crazy mad because I refuse to take sides. Well how about this? I’m shutting down. I ain’t gonna hear it out anymore. I’m protecting myself and keeping me to myself. Y’all have fun being “social” out there.”

From here we create👉 SCORPIO

Scorpio

“You know I’m used to people not liking me for whatever reason, maybe because I don’t give myself away to others. Yet, it made me want to live on the outskirts to make sure no one would get to me. But you know what? Fuck it 🤪! I do what I want, when I want, how I want, and who gon have an issue? If you have an issue mind the business that pays you!!”

From here we create 👉 SAGITTARIUS

Sagittarius

“You know I’ve had a BALL!!! But honestly I feel like I have so much fun that I don’t have structure when I need it. And my optimism has been my detriment these past few years. I need to get serious, I need to get right. I need to stop playing around sometimes.”

From here we create 👉 CAPRICORN

Capricorn

“You know I have done it all. I’ve put so much hard work into everything I do. Yet, I feel like I need a change. Yet I’m scared to. I’m tired of just trying to achieve just for me. What about for the people around me? If I can get this done, why can’t they? Is it the system? Is it the rules? I’ve played by these rules and won, I think? But it’s confusing seeing others try the same thing but different results. What is this?”

From here we create 👉 AQUARIUS

Aquarius

“You know I’m here for the people, but I’m not really here for the people ya know? I kinda wish I could tap into the more emotional side of myself yet sometimes you gotta be careful because people are so entitled. Yet, I do realize that in life everything has a percentage of risk, and sometimes you gotta risk it. I’ve done that, and it’s helped me. But when it comes to emotions, that’s scary. Maybe it’s just a new avenue to try. It can go really good or really bad.”

From here we create 👉 PISCES

Pisces

“You know being the emotional support is nice, or was nice at first. Yet it’s soul sucking. People need to learn how to fight for themselves. I need to learn how to fight for myself more!! I’m so used to thinking that it’s okay and it’s alright when it was really I didn’t always speak up and set those hard boundaries. I’m tired of it. They’re gonna be mad, but they weren’t mad when I was tired of them sucking up my energy. They still did it anyway. So be like that and imma be like this!”

From here we create 👉 ARIES

And that y’all was the story of how the 12 signs came to be. Thank you for coming and enjoying this little story and I’ll see you in the next post!! New content on YouTube also coming soon!

-Claude

..

[funkymbtifiction]

This pandemic has brought out the worst in me. My sleeping schedule is a mess (I go to sleep at 6am and wake up at 2pm), I'm barely able to get out of the bed, I can barely do the dishes and take out the trash, I spend too much time on YouTube and inside my head, thinking about all the stuff I wanted to work on but being unable to do it.

My memory has also gotten worse - if it's not something I'm not obsessed with then I'll not remember the details. I was trying to snap myself out of this hazy floating by trying to focus my mind at least on reading, which is something I absolutely love, but now I'm unable to focus even on a plot I find interesting and intriguing, my mind immediately starts to wander, or I need to do at least 2 things at once (reading and checking Reddit, or reading and listening to some ambient music). I've also started to not finish stories where I once used to read a book a day.

I know the theory of what I should be doing, but that's it. I'm unable to JUST DO it. I think my Te is trying to motivate me by trying to wake up my conscience, but it's not enough. I hate this because I know I can do things and concentrate and be responsible and productive, but because I'm fine and all my basic needs are met I don't have the need to pull myself together. I used to fuel my 7 by travelling and observing people, but now that we need to stay home, and I have covid (so my friends bring me groceries), my 9w1 core sloth is all too happy to be left alone, with my devices.

I know that this pandemic brought pandemic fatigue with it, plus it's spring and I'm always tired in spring (plus my years-long medical issues with thick blood and low blood pressure), but it's driving me crazy that I could've gotten better at my hobbies and could've reached some of my goals by now only if I DID things. Things that used to work don't help anymore. And then I don't even stay mad long because some new video distracts me.

Is there something from a mbti perspective that can help to start doing things and concentrating on them? (For context I'm an ENFP 9w1 7w6 2w3)

Also thank you so much for this blog, thank you for helping lost souls find their way and be better people, both inside their head and outside when interacting with the outer world ❤️ I haven't been studying mbti for that long but so far I've seen so much valuable information on your blog, and for free!

Are you mad enough at yourself yet to change your behavior?

That's really the bottom line here, because you KNOW that YOU have to start being responsible and doing things and not just wasting your time... but YOU are the only person who will force yourself to do things.

A couple of thoughts. First, I recognize this phenomenon / brain fog. It happened to me several times last year during the pandemic (where I am, things are opening up, so hopefully they will soon for you as well) and I hated it. My mind was unclear, I had lots of things I needed to do but could not focus on any of them. It was, to be honest, a Si grip, which yanks you out of Ne-dom (possibilities, excitement about doing projects, seeing things made real) and turns your intuition into a "fog." There's no access to Fi (do I care about this? if I care, am I a principled person enough to do it?) and no Te (how am I going to prioritize my tasks?), just Si (I'm comfy doing nothing and feeling depressed) and flits of Ne, which only show up as being bored, easily distracted, etc. So some of this is a Si grip, and some of it is general depression (being unfocused, sleeping in late, not taking care of yourself, no motivation even for things you love, unable to finish things). You need to approach it by dealing with both -- getting back into your stronger functions (Ne: envisioning possibilities and finding a purpose, Fi: drawing upon your character and who you want to be and what you care about, to take action, Te: making a plan, forcing yourself to do what needs done, and keeping track of your progress to self-motivate) -- and by recognizing and admitting that you are depressed, and asking what you can do about it.

Second, you have built up some BAD habits during the pandemic. I get it. I fell into some of this as well last autumn, when I ceased being my usual productive self and started leaving work (from home) at 3pm every day. I developed a bad habit of just watching television, which numbed my brain and ultimately bored me. It's only now that I have hope and can go to the store without a mask on that I am feeling happier (my little 7 wing rejoices and has PLANS) and can work through into the late afternoon. I'm re-establishing a schedule that is productive throughout the day instead of allowing myself to "meander" in life. So what you need to do is look at your habits. Make a list of them. Look at what you told me: basically, it is I have become undisciplined, my sleep schedule is bad, and then I wake up late and feel lazy so I don't do anything. What is ONE THING that would jolt you into a different routine? Go to bed on time. Set a time every night, shut off all your devices an hour ahead of it, read a book until you get sleepy, and go to sleep. Wake up at a decent hour. If you wake up at 7am instead of 2pm, your body won't fall into its usual "welp, afternoon is half over, guess I'll watch YouTube" habit. It will go -- wait, what new habit are we forming? Breakfast? Then work?? Okay!

Lastly, and this is HUGELY important for an ENFP -- decide the night before what you are going to accomplish or work on tomorrow. Why? It prepares your brain to know what is expected from it. Unless I do this each night, and have a notion of how I am going to spend my time, my Ne goes ?!?! and I get very little done or waste three hours trying to decide what to do. But if I say, "Okay, tomorrow I am finishing chapter four," I usually finish chapter four (and then some). Today, I have to work at my paying job. I knew this last night, so I am mentally clear and prepared to focus only on the task at hand. I don't treat today as "mine." It belongs to my employer. I know what I am going to do, I intend to do it, and when I get home, I know what else I can work on. Learn to create this habit each night before bed. Decide what tomorrow is going to be like and commit to it.

As for tasks you don't want to do that still need done -- just do them. You can spend 2 weeks avoiding them, or spend an hour and get it over with so you don't feel like crap about yourself because you have kept avoiding it for weeks. Decide, "Tomorrow, I am doing that thing first thing in the morning," and then do it.

You will find that when you start setting yourself tasks (Te) that your Ne starts working properly again -- it will become more focused, less hazy, and more interested in what you can contribute, rather than just mindless "consuming." It's fine to have a down day now and again (even so, it's also useful to have a vague idea the night before of what this day will contain, even if it's fun -- it's fun and exciting to anticipate things) but your life NEEDS structure, or you won't do anything.

I hope you can pull yourself out of this, because you won't be happy unless you do. ENFPs need to get things done, contribute, feel like they are moving forward, and have something to show for their time. Without it, they will get angry at themselves -- as you well know.

[didimentionthatimawriter]

Heads up, this is a long post, but it's important. Please read it. Some people may have been able to guess this based on the last couple of posts I've shared, but I figured I should make an official post about it here. 

In January I got officially diagnosed with Moderate ADHD, Predominately Inattentive (for anyone who doesn't know, this is what used to be known as ADD, but it recently was grouped with ADHD because of the similar symptoms). What this means is I have a hard time focusing and paying attention, have problems with forgetfulness, but I'm not as hyperactive as other people with ADHD might be.

This isn't something that I've caught or developed, this is something that I've had all my life and it went unnoticed. I still remember getting in trouble when I was in elementary school because I was really slow at doing assignments and could never finish anything on time because I spent the whole time daydreaming instead. To this day I have a really hard time paying attention in lectures without daydreaming, doing something else like doodling or writing notes for a story, or getting very restless and fidgety. 

How did I not get diagnosed until now? It's actually very common for women with ADHD, especially the inattentive kind, not to get diagnosed until they are adults. Girls with ADHD in particular go under the radar because of this stigma that ADHD makes a kid (usually a boy) super hyperactive and you can't get them to sit down and be quiet unless you give them a pill. Kids with inattentive ADHD are mostly just brushed off as ditsy daydreamers who need to get their heads out of the clouds, but it's not that easy. Sometimes, sitting down to listen to a lecture or get a task done is physically difficult. 

I didn't get diagnosed until recently because I had been able to cope with my symptoms for the most part. I made decent grades, I had strategies to force myself to pay attention, I had study groups to go to where I had to make myself do work. The biggest problems I faced were that tasks took me so much longer than everyone else to do and I still daydreamed a lot, but even that was used to my advantage since I pursued writing fiction.

Everything that happened with Covid-19 and quarantine took away all the structure and routine I was used to, and my symptoms got worse. Then I moved out, got an apartment in a whole new city with whole new people, a job, entered a Master's program, all without an established routine to get my feet on the ground. Suddenly doing a reading for class or writing a 200 word discussion post was impossible, or would take me three times longer than everyone else did. It could take me three hours to read and annotate a 20 page article. I had major imposter syndrome, my anxiety got worse, I started having very bad depressive episodes, and I couldn't cope with anything anymore. This led to a decline in my physical health, too. I remember it got so bad I once went a week without showering because I either didn't have the energy to or I just forgot to. 

I only ever considered ADHD after one of my friends who had been diagnosed with it recognized some of the symptoms in me and suggested I get tested. I did, despite people (including myself) trying to convince me there was no way I had it, and it came back positive. I also got diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. 

I'm not sharing this for people to pity me or worry about me. I'm fine. I'm getting help and learning how to cope with this, (and I've made a lot of improvements), and I'm hoping that when the pandemic is officially over and I can get a routine back in place it will be easier to manage. I'm sharing all of this to stress how important this is and I want to help raise awareness for it. People who weren't diagnosed and given treatment as kids often develop anxiety and depression because they have such a hard time keeping up with the pressures of everyday life. Statistically, the links between mood disorders and ADHD make adults with ADHD 14% more likely to attempt suicide than people without it, and it's especially bad for women.  (Source here: https://www.usnews.com/news/health-news/articles/2020-12-29/adhd-raises-adult-suicide-risk-especially-for-women )

The best thing we can do to make those numbers go down is to recognize it and treat people for it before they develop those other disorders, and the first step is to get rid of the stigma that goes along with it. ADHD isn't always a kid unable to stay in their seat or blurting out in a discussion, (in fact, some of those kids may not even have it and are just disregarded and given pills to make them manageable, but that's a whole other issue).

ADHD is having 500 different thoughts running through your head at once that you can't drown out. It's spending days obsessing over whatever your hyper fixation is on and forgetting about your immediate responsibilities and relationships. It's having a decent vocabulary but forgetting most of it or mis-speaking  when you're trying to write or talk to someone. It's experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety about tests or projects with time limits. It's forgetting people's birthdays or not talking to an old friend for a long time even though you miss them because they aren't there with you and your mind is on other things. It's procrastinating working on big projects because there are so many things to do now that something due not now doesn't feel as important, (then promptly getting extremely stressed out when that big project is due soon and you haven't even started on it). It's getting so overwhelmed with the things you need to do that you disassociate and can't get out of bed. It's becoming paralyzed with indecision. It's spending more time preparing for a task than actually doing the task. It's wanting to do your best but not having the capabilities to do it. 

ADHD is hard to deal with, but it does not make someone any less of a person. I'm not ashamed of it, but I want people to understand it and learn how to work with people with it. People with ADHD aren't lazy or uncaring, they just don't think the same way as normal people.

[laceymorganwrites]

birthday fic <33

A/N: this is a birthday fic for lovely @miyaniacs!! I hope you have a wonderful day today and are celebrated just like you deserve!

Word count: 1,970

Pairings: Gojo x Bea, Getou x me (I couldn´t help myself ehehhe), no tags since it´s just for you anyway <33

Another A/N: okay ever since we had that talk about Gojo being an embarrassing boyfriend and double dates...I just HAD to (tho I wish I could´ve executed those ideas better also the ending sucked cause I literally had no idea how to end it, BUT I still hope you can somewhat enjoy it <3333)

YOU´RE AMAZING; THANKS FOR BEING MY FRIEND; I CAN´T WAIT TO MEET YOU!!!

It was still early, the sun just rose, painting the sky a beautiful rose gold.

Getou was already up, he enjoyed the silence of the early morning.

Everything seemed to be at peace in those moments, no matter how little they lasted.

It didn´t matter to him anymore, he was at ease with Ace next to him.

His boyfriend´s presence calmed him down immediately and somehow the small boy always knew how to put a smile on his face.

They were like two popcorn kernels in a pot, nobody ever had any expectations for them but still they managed to exceed them, working harder than most people would recognize.

Working on yourself was always harder than it should be, but it was work that needed to be done.

Gojo was really proud of him for doing so, being afraid of what would happen to his friend if he didn´t.

Ace arrived at just the right time to give him the light he wanted to shut out of his life so bad.

Getou was glad he didn´t.

He found his missing puzzle piece and he´d never let it go, he had sworn to protect him at all costs.

The man stretched a bit before slowly getting up, careful not to wake the sleeping figure next to him.

It was routine at this point. But he liked it. Both men needed structure and routines in their life to be able to function. Even though they got better at being spontaneous, it was still hard to do overall.

Getou and Ace had the same sleeping pattern, preferring to go to sleep early and having the most energy in the early afternoon.

They also both had trouble sleeping, always waking up after a few hours and being unable to go back to sleep. It was easier now though, it was nice to know that there were always arms ready to hold. It was nice having someone there when you went to sleep and woke back up, it was the warm touch that was missing in both lives.

Getou prepared some coffee for himself and already cooked some breakfast. Meanwhile he was updating their grocery list and checking if anything else needed to be done.

Today was a big day, it was Bea´s birthday and Ace was beyond excited. It had been a while since they had last seen her and Gojo.

To be fair, Getou always tried to avoid double dates since Gojo could be quite exhausting.

After a while Ace slowly woke up, groggily sitting up in bed and yawning and stretching thoroughly.

“Good morning, love” he smiled from the kitchen counter as Ace slowly dragged himself to sit next to him, laying his head on his shoulder. “Morning, baby” he mumbled tiredly and slowly started eating his breakfast and drinking his tea.

Getou had helped him wrap his presents for Bea just yesterday since Ace´s wrapping skills were quite underwhelming to say the least.

The two talked for a bit and once they finished eating, they started cleaning the apartment, getting groceries and everything else they needed.

After a while they were done and just enjoyed the last few quiet minutes before the other couple would arrive.

The morning routine in the Gojo residence looked quite differently.

First of all, Gojo didn´t have a residence, he just liked calling his apartment that since there would be no way in hell a sorcerer of his caliber would live in an apartment building with others, normal citizens nonetheless.

However sorcerers didn´t get paid that well, no matter whether or not they had the six eyes. Gojo always had the little conspiracy that the elders cut his paycheck extra short.

And somehow he got off on it, he´d prove them all wrong anyway. He didn´t need them, he didn´t need anyone.

Only that the last one was a blatant lie.

He didn´t know he needed anyone until Bea came into his life.

She was quite something, so beautiful, made him laugh like no one else ever did. With her he didn´t have to hide anything, he could be himself.

And more than that: he could finally find out who that even was, he had time to think about those things now and not push everything aside like he did usually.

No, he wasn´t perfect like everyone thought, like he told everyone so that they´d leave him alone.

He was just a man.

A damn lucky one at that, being able to have her by his side.

Bea was new to the sorcerer world, but she had great potential, he took it upon himself to train her, though it really was just an excuse to get to know her.

She had her own issues, he could tell. But he wasn´t an asshole to pry on them.

Instead he asked her out immediately, because yes, he was one to rush things, following his heart.

To this day he asked himself why she said yes.

Somehow they got along incredibly well, so well in fact that he got to take her home.

Gojo never believed in falling in love but she just made it way too easy.

But it scared him, he never had been in love, not this way at least, never truly.

It was always a game to him, someone he´d hook up with and then never see again.

It was fun while it lasted and then left a burning, aching hole inside his heart that was just too sad to look at so he drowned himself in alcohol and did it all over again.

Bea was the first one he went on multiple dates with, the first one he tried to be a decent human being with.

Since both didn´t want a relationship in the beginning, both being too scared of rejection and hurting, they didn´t put a label on it.

They just fucked, went out, sometimes she stayed over at his place, that was nice. And sometimes she´d even laugh at his dumb jokes, that was even nicer.

Nice wasn´t the word to describe her though.

It was so much more than that, an incredible kindness and warmth that he only felt with her.

She made him feel special in a different way than all the others did and for the first time in his life he believed it.

Gojo wanted to make her feel the same way too and so he tried really hard, he tried to come up with exciting date ideas, take her to places she´s never seen before and show off like he always did.

But he always had this hopeful look in his eyes that she really saw what cool thing he did (which in reality was just dumb, but in his world it was cool).

And she gave him compliments.

Damn, did he love them.

He knew he was somewhat attractive but despite showing off he never really paid much mind to it.

But when the two of them were alone in bed, her tracing her fingers all over his body, those irresistible eyes looking down on him, that damn smile as she told him: “You´re so fucking beautiful, do you even know that?”.

“Right back at you” he´d grin, averting all of his attention to her so she wouldn´t comment on the fact that he was blushing.

They had quite the different relationship (once they finally admitted their feelings and called it that, so far everything went more than just perfect) than Getou and Ace, theirs was more fun, Gojo said.

Bea and Gojo always had the most fun, they always teased each other and could laugh a lot, as well as tell each other their darkest secrets without being judged.

“This isn´t a competition, you know?” Getou commented on that, but Gojo just grinned, to him it always was. And he always won.

He thought that Getou should be more grateful, after all he hooked him up with his boyfriend.

Gojo didn´t like Ace. He was so quiet. He didn´t like that about people.

However when Bea was around it was like he bloomed, suddenly he wouldn´t stop talking.

And that was annoying too.

Which is why Gojo always wanted to avoid meeting him.

But for her birthday he´d try to get along with him. For her.

The two of them had been on a mission yesterday and slept in now since they got home pretty late.

They somehow always woke up at the same time though which was more than just convenient. Gojo was mesmerized at how cute and pretty she looked even in the morning, he himself of course always looked dashing.

“Good morning, birthday bunny” he grinned, kissing Bea lazily but still taking her breath away.

“Why bunny?” she laughed, Gojo would always give her some cute nicknames that were quite random at times, but she never got used to it.

It was weird, having this affection without any intentions, just because he loved her.

“It fit” he grinned, he would embarrass himself in front of her a thousand times if it meant seeing her smile for only one instance.

She shook her head giggling and buried her head in his chest, his warmth was so comforting to her, she never wanted to get up.

“By the way… wanna have your first present?” he smirked, hands wandering down to her hips as he leaned closer to her to give her some neck kisses.

“Let´s wake up the neighbors, shall we?” he husked.

Meanwhile Ace was checking if the cake was already cold enough to decorate, which to his luck it was.

Ever since meeting Getou he baked more, they also baked together a lot.

Decorating wasn´t his forte, but Getou helped with that, he had steady hands and a good eye for those things.

“You know, wrapping a plushie isn´t as easy as I thought it would be” he laughed slightly. Ace loved his laugh, he was one of the few people who ever heard the real one.

“I´m sure you did great” he grinned and stood on his tiptoes to give him a quick peck.

Indeed the presents looked amazing, Getou even put on a little bow on the wrapping paper. Ace got Bea some manga volumes, a plushie and some other merch he hoped she´d like.

Now it was time to wait.

An hour later the other couple finally arrived.

“Sorry we´re late, we had important adult stuff to do, you two wouldn´t understand” Gojo announced grinning as he entered your apartment.

“Satoru! Shut up” Bea blushed and playfully punched his shoulder.

Getou just sighed and shook his head, why was he like this?

“Happy birthday, Bea!” Ace rapidly stood up from the couch and greeted her with a hug.

He gave her her presents and they talked about all sorts of things while their partners were in the kitchen to slice the cake and prepare the plates.

“I don´t want to hear it” Getou sighed. “Huh? I haven´t even said anything!” Gojo pouted, albeit feeling caught. Of course he was going to taunt his friend about his relationship, he of course never spared enough details to hurt anymore, but just enough to make everyone just a tad bit uncomfortable with embarrassment.

He couldn´t help himself, he had the best girlfriend in the world and everyone should know it.

The rest of the day wasn´t anything special, after all in the current situation you couldn´t do much.

But still, it was nice to meet up with friends, eat cake and have nice conversations.

They all ended up on the couch watching some movies and being too full to order proper takeout.

Though that was the fun in it, Bea was happy, she wasn´t alone like Ace feared, that was all that mattered.

He hoped her next birthday would be more eventful.

[fixmyiphone1]

Fix my iPhone withour display fix providers

A mobile phone display screen is amongst the fundamental bits of a portable. It is actually and also the vulnerable and fragile aspect regarding harms. You most likely fix my iPhone wouldn't like a dysfunctional phone, particularly phone repair shop near me when mobile phones are becoming a necessity to just about every person.

Perhaps you have at any point inadvertently lowered your Mobile? Maybe your friend abused it? Alternatively, phone cases your secrets scraped the display screen up very substantially? At fix my iPhone that time, you realize Portable screen restoration costs phone repair shop near me could be exceptionally high compared with the Mobile’s charge.

The screen is the costliest bit of a Mobile, and then any damage to it very well can be lavish to repair. Supposing that you attempt to get nearby repairs, there is consistently a threat of very low-quality parts. Nonetheless, you want phone cases not to stress over this anymore. Mobile phone display fix my iPhone restoration charges will at present never difficulty you as Senor iPhone phone repair shop near me carries an organization answer for yourself.

Why pick us for phone cases?

We offer the most effective Mobile phone display screen restoration. Our master professionals utilize just certifiable components. We guarantee fix my iPhone that nothing at all in your Mobile is meddled with, as the entire resolve determine phone cases is carried out before. You can find your Portable display screen fix both at home and business phone repair shop near me office within 60 minutes!

Further, all of our Portable screen repair administrations are offered at constrained prices. We make certain fix my iPhone you won’t learn better charges someplace phone cases else, specifically thinking about our one half-calendar year assure. The Portable screen fix price phone repair shop near me has never been much more affordable.

How does phone repair shop near me work?

Cellular phone displays are weak, and it also won’t be very long till you need your display phone repair shop near me screen resolved – Our pros have expertly phone cases resolved a great many fix my iPhone displays throughout the future. There’s, in a true sensation, not a matter Senor iPhone hasn’t seen and resolved.

Our well-ready and screened Experts are gurus and definitely will meet up with you together with giving mobile phone fix my iPhone Restoration at your house, phone cases business office, or anywhere whichever phone repair shop near me is useful to suit your needs.

We have been doing work in important metropolitan communities fix my iPhone in which our grasp experts can make contact with phone repair shop near me you together with resolve your cell phone within a half-hour. That way, you can find your cellphone resolved or monitor substituted phone cases without having to cope with any issue in your everyday timetable, and you can forge ahead along with your life.

As opposed, our specialists will fix my iPhone your cellphone. Our management is fast, phone cases smart, and consistent. That may phone repair shop near me be a guarantee From Senor iPhone.

Our specialists make use of specialized instruments and systems for phone cases adjusting, which empowers those to kind your gizmo in the briefest achievable time. In this manner, presently, with fix my iPhone the accessibility of expert and sound phone repair phone repair shop near me supervision, you may get back your structure within its fix my iPhone new situation to get a part of the expense. These phone cases are continually endeavoring to contend with the administrations phone repair shop near me available from the 1st makers.

Cellular display replacing is less expensive when contrasted using the other readily available alternatives. A professional cellular monitor repair consultant co-op who phone cases may have been on the lookout for phone repair shop near me an all-inclusive period will advise you regarding receiving the best mobile phone fix my iPhone monitor for the device.

Get Superb Effects with fix my iPhone

Since its primary shipping in 2007, fix my iPhone there have been quite a few emphases in the Apple iPhone, shipped (generally) phone repair shop near me over an annual period. Every single edition has included new features, phone cases quicker preparation, and enhanced images.

Each phone model comes with an alternative amount of repairability: the 3GS’s front window is replaceable fix my iPhone outside of the demonstration get-together phone repair shop near me (window panels in later designs are not). At the same time, the phone 4 presented an easier repair to phone cases the backboard and battery power.

Far more existing iPhones like the iPhone 4 11 have back window boards that happen to be famously difficult to fix. Nevertheless, phone cases their screens are some of fix my iPhone the easiest to supplant in the business. With each new program focus, new iPhone 4 repairs troubles appear, and phone repair shop near me aged ones are helped.

Value of phone cases

Apple iPhone restoration is significant because you need to examine what the problem is with your iPhone. Without having a phone resolve, you fix my iPhone simply will phone cases not have the choice to correct your phone repair shop near me Apple iPhone, and it also may wreck you up. iPhone 4 repair expert co-ops will recognize the situation happening with your phone.

After we determine what the problem is, they may phone repair shop near me advise you regarding adventure it. Now and then, you genuinely do not possess the foggiest thought of what’s fix my iPhonegoing on with your iPhone 4. This is when you need an iPhone to phone cases fix consultant organizations to assist you with adventure learning the problems you will be dealing with.

The specialist phone restoration professional inside the Senor iPhone co-ops phone repair shop near me will consistently assist you to take care of a comparatively large number of phone cases problems without having a problem. You won’t pressure over something considering that you realize the iPhone statement fix my iPhone expert organizations exist along with you.

Features of phone repair shop near me

After zeroing in on the concern, this stage is always to correct that issue. This is conceivable just with the phone repair shop near me assistance of the ideal phone fix specialist company. They are going to discover the primary driver of the issue and boost every one of them by giving you one phone cases particular-of-a-form response for fix my iPhone every one of the things you have been searching for at the time of not extended back.

Overall, do you think the iPhone fix isn’t so significant? If this is the phone cases circumstance, you should explore the two crucial concentrates on the phone correctly. Don’t simply fix my iPhone keep there phone repair shop near me and gaze on the screen! Make to fix your phone!

Thought telephone fix experts are here to assist buy your mobile phone working phone cases concisely and solidly. phone fix my iPhone fix comes with a constrained promise that solitary included one year of devices repairs and maintenance phone repair shop near me contracts come to be pricy afterward.

A prepared skillful at phone Maintenance assures that every means is taken to fortify your telephone and be sure that no information is misplaced phone repair shop near me from the routine maintenance pattern. You phone cases ought to consistently look at the greatest phone restoration outlets on the off probability you should attain palatable administrations. This fix my iPhone can assure that the telephone is fixed utilizing traditional pieces and also qualified iPhone gurus.

Senor iPhone, a highly skilled and respected phone maintenance skills business will certainly discover each of the important phone cases techniques to give you the ideal response to your telephone. They already have profoundly gifted gurus aboard who learn about an extensive extent of techniques fix my iPhone that may fast and fruitful repairing of the apple iPhone no matter what phone repair shop near me so at any point function as the matter.

Exactly how to fix my iPhone?

To fix my iPhone determined by a lot of factors. Matched up to old models of mobile phones, the price to handle a fractured mobile phone display screen can simply appear to be costly. Senor iPhone, Preston, is recognized to provide our clientele the least phone cases expensive fees for mobile phone monitor phone repair shop near me maintenance work in the Gurgaon however the most excellent aspect is we only make use of great high-quality components.

How can I replace my Samsung display?

At Senor iPhone, Preston, our company also will take recognition in offering the very most respected Samsung screen restoration and Samsung Mobile Assistance Center inside the Gurgaon. Right fix my iPhone after booking any person of our own Samsung restoration function, you can phone cases sleep quite simply recognizing that our phone repair shop near me company simply employs very first-class Samsung pieces plus will appropriate your device facing your very eyeballs on the very same day.

One of our skilled pros will get into contact along to set up an occasion to discover you at your house or perhaps fix my iPhone work environment to carry out any sort of Samsung monitor repair phone cases solutions as well as Samsung display alternatives you phone repair shop near me possess purchased.

Just how to fix phone cases

If you realize yourself scraping at your phone as the monitor is not any much more doing work, do not tense! fix my iPhone displays not working is a very common as well as resolvable phone repair shop near me problem. Our professional mobile repair gurus have highlighted why your iPhone display screen might no more be employing and, phone cases a lot more notably, everything you may do today to restoration it.

Employing inexpensive display substitutes

If you’ve had troubles in addition to a faulty screen before, it is rapid and simple to acquire lured by area retail fix my iPhone store merchants with offers to alternative your apple iPhone display for an inexpensive amount. Many of these parts phone cases are 2nd-class plus changed by unqualified experts, phone repair shop near me along with it may well very correctly protect against you from experiencing your iPhone knowledge.

In case you are discovering it a combat phone repair shop near me to clean via your photographs or even check your e-e-mails due to a sub-standard phone monitor, our benefits at phone cases are accepted to take care of this problem and fix my iPhone definitely will make positive changes to display screen while using most excellent iPhone 4 screens available out their place.

Phone repair shop near me issue

One of the most normal fix my iPhone application troubles you could encounter originates from an inaccuracy in boosting the working unit, possessing a much older variety, minimal storing, phone cases putting in a buggy application, and even originating from you jail phone repair shop near me splitting your Operating System on the Apple iPhone.

Master advice: Prevent jail busting your iPhone in any way expenditure. The negative aspect surpasses the benefits. In the event you have a 1-season guarantee with Apple Inc, this will likely be phone repair shop near me retracted if you’ve jail shattered your iPhone 4. Along with fix my iPhone regularly seek out iPhone changes, phone cases they do not just boost working techniques for a far greater program they likewise do away with any sort of unwanted pests from the Operating System.

Apple iPhone monitor indeed not working while payment

If you’re a director of an iPhone 4 5/s, you could find that fix my iPhone the problem is only at you! When you additionally are phone cases utilizing a counterfeit iPhone battery charger, it can be time and energy to phone repair shop near me change it without delay or perhaps go back to employing a phone display screen that won’t wash!

Phone cases not centering

It is genuinely comical the volume of aspects can readily bring about this issue. It may be from either gear problems like removed down iPhone 4, phone cases smashed display along with fix my iPhone liquid ruined, or even software program phone repair shop near me issues from jailbreak or perhaps troubles together with changing the iPhone 4.

Senor iPhone has you covered. Should you get it repaired from my organization, our team products 90 days Warranty on Screen Glass Alternative plus Total Display alternative. And the fix my iPhone remainder, all restoration solutions are dealt with beneath phone cases the fix maniac manufacturer’s warranty insurance policy. It is possible to have to do with our phone repair shop near me manufacturer’s guarantee plan webpage for guide.

[autistickeely]

Am I bad if I'm autistic and want to be cured? I don't want it forced on other people, to the point I'd rather live with the pain of autism all my life rather than risk others getting forced into it but it's ruined my life. I was academic as a kid but now am failing uni and there's literally nothing I'm interesting in studying+only interested in my useless special interest, no job prospects, have never made friends even with other autists, my family hates me, disability support at uni is useless

(just to clarify last ask, my special interest steals my focus away from uni work. the worst part is I KNOW I could do it if I could only put it the work! But my brain only has two functions: 1)special interest mode or 2)executive dysfunction/ie would rather literally stare at a wall for hours straight rather than read one line of my textbook)

Hiya! Firstly I just want to say that you are not a bad person for having these feelings. However I can tell you right now that it’s not your autism to blame, it’s the lack of support you are receiving. Autism is a disability and some autistics need a lot of support whereas some don’t; we’re all different. With the right support there’s no reason why any autistic person can’t succeed and fulfill their dreams in life. I also think you’ve gotten yourself into a negative mindset when it comes to your special interests. You can absolutely follow your special interests and some people even go on to make a career out of them. We’re told from a young age that we need to get an education to get a job to earn a living but that’s not the world we live in anymore. You can earn a living from so many different things such as being a YouTuber, blogging, advocacy work, art, technology, singing and dance. I’m not saying you should quit uni and focus full time on your special interest, all I’m saying is you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself about it. I promise you there are so many options out there for you and you can and will be successful with whatever you chose to follow.

There are also lot of different support options out there that would be beneficial for you such as an autism support worker. I have a support worker who helps me to understand my brain and deal with the struggles I have. She helps me structure routines, deal with changes and my sensory issues, and also helps me with my eating and sleep difficulties. She would never ever try to “cure” me, all she wants to do is support and help me so I’m not struggling as much. You absolutely do not need a cure, what you desperately need is the right support because you’re not receiving it and that’s not fair on you. When I was first diagnosed I wanted a cure too. I wanted to be like the people around me because I felt so different and horrible about myself. I thought I would never be successful because I was autistic. Over time I learnt to accept my autism and embrace it because I realised I would not be Keely without it, and I quite like Keely now. Self acceptance does not happen overnight and it takes a long time to achieve but you’ll get there! I promise you that you won’t feel this way forever. You’re going through a very difficult time right now but I promise you will get through this. The autistic community is here for you.

[academiadaisies]

my struggles with studying

I don’t expect a lot of people to read this, and I’ll probably end up embarrassed to have typed this all up and posted it by tomorrow, but I think it’s important for me to get this out and away from myself.

I appreciate anyone who reads this, and welcome completely anyone who is/has been in a similar situation to me and wants to talk about it or has some tips. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about it, I definitely feel like anyone I’m close to will not be a lot of help, and I don’t want to be a mental burden, with them knowing my problem, wanting to help, but not knowing what to do, and blah blah blah... Just know, anyone is completely welcome to reach out to me. I know a lot of people say that online, but I’m just a little cancer moon, cancer rising ;). I’ve got ears and struggles too. Sometimes things are difficult. :)) <3

School has always been my demise. I was basically a corpse just going class to class, making little contribution and writing down what the powerpoint said. I would zone out - not realising at all, come back to myself and suddenly the whole class was doing work, and I would have to swallow my pride, interrupt the person next to me and ask what we were supposed to do.

But my nights were wasted too. I guess I was never really taught to study, and everything I had tried for myself never seemed to work. But I didn’t try often. I remember coming home and turning on my computer to watch the next episodes of my show of the week, my mind in a dull and empty buzz, and next thing I knew it was midnight.

Growing up there was no schedule or routine. No one was really checking I had done my homework, no one checking I was showered or that I had brushed hair. There were no rules either. No specific screen time, no food rules, no bedtime. I know why, my mum was a very hard worker, having a daughter, a job, and university, and I am so grateful for her. She was busy. But it just meant I never knew much discipline. There was no structure, but I wasn’t forgotten. There was no food in the house, but there was money, and I - having no sense of diet - would spend more than was good for me on junk; a six pack of crisps a day, frozen pizza... and today that has never ended, it’s something of an addiction now. The lack of restraint and discipline is apparent everywhere in my life.

In school is where it is at it’s absolute worst. It’s not even an issue of my intelligence. The absolute last thing I want to come across as is conceited, but I did better than I deserved my first two years of high school exams having never studied for them, except maybe a bit of rereading and desperate attempts to memorise the night before. I passed everything, bar one, and sometimes with A’s.

But last year was inarguably my worst year ever, and it has bled into this year too. My attendance was below 50%, I came in maybe two or three days a week, sometimes only finally getting the motivation to show up in the afternoon, and even then I would hide away in pupil support classes, still not doing any work. My mum phoning me and screaming down the line as soon as she got the absent text. Me not knowing how to explain that I just couldn’t physically force myself to get up and ready. I started with 5 subjects and finished with 2, both of which I initially failed, but those grades were redacted because people argued the SQA were not grading fairly, basing grades on location instead of merit, and so I scraped by with two C’s. I absolutely would not have passed if not for the pandemic.

This year is hard to tell where I would be in a normal situation. I like to believe it was going to be so much better. The idea of leaving high school and entering college*. It was a fresh start. I was supposed to get my work done the day it was handed out, I was supposed to be more extroverted, and become a leader like I always wanted. But, of course, it’s all online. I think a major benefit of it is I don’t have much excuse not to be in class anymore. I can (and usually do) wake up minutes before the class starts, and do it all from bed, so if I was left to my own devices to get myself there and back, I’d bet my attendance has skyrocketed from what I it would have been. Though, my college is quite far, and I think my mum seeing to that I was on a bus, or even not in the house when she has to leave, would have been enough to ensure I was there too. If it was in person I would have no where to hide too. I wouldn’t get to have my camera off and play games during classes and not take notes, the lecturers would see. I’d have to take notes and I don’t usually do that. I wish I had. But then that just begs the question of would it be a repeat of high school? Would I be a corpse that goes through college classes blankly instead of high school ones? I really don’t know what to think. But today my college work is suffering. I have seven vital pieces of work long overdue, and I think the weight of all of them on my brain stops me from doing even one.

*If you’re not familiar with the system here, college is basically a stage after high school but below university in Scotland, that not everybody goes to. I’m not sure the school systems everywhere in the world but it’s not the equivalent of sixth form college in England, or what’s called college in the US, which would be university here. I’m sorry if this sounds dumb because there’s probably this everywhere in the world but I just want to clarify what stage I’m at exactly. I’m taking a HNC which is kind of the equivalent of first year university.

And so it leads me to believe I have ADD/ADHD. I really am not about to self diagnose. Although it might be enough for some, I often worry I’m a bit of a paranoid person, and that I like to jump to the most “extreme” conclusions, but I don’t think my livelihood makes it totally unlikely.

I find myself devoting my time and what motivation I have to things that just don’t matter. I’ve memorised maps of the US, Europe, Scotland and Ireland. I took up interests in religion and astrology, buying crystals as if they were coming to save me like all the TikToks say. I’ve taught myself bits of piano, British Sign Language, chess, Teeline shorthand and Morse code, just to give up. I even made it to 100 days on Duolingo learning Scottish Gaelic before I stopped that too. Engrossed in wide varieties of things that I’d love to be great at, abandoning it because I’ve decided I’m bored.

But the worst waste of my time is always spent on my phone. I am a huge advocate for downtime, not every single second has to be productive. But it’s never good to have a 12 hour daily screen time average.

I can never concentrate either. I can’t force myself to. As I write this I have an essay due I’ve had for a month, and I’m going to have to do it all tomorrow. I don’t understand why I can’t physically force myself to get it done. I always think, “why am I on TikTok when I have an essay due?” And I never really have a reason. Even my driving instructor told me to get tested because, especially nearing the end of the lessons, my attention starts to waver, and I find her having to change gears for me sometimes, and warning me to stop looking at whatever might pass by.

I have a little list of priorities in my mind too. I keep reminding myself that I have this essay and this assignment to do, but I also have ideas of starting a blog or reading a book. The school work is first in the list of priorities, I know it needs to be done first and so I take it to the extreme and can’t seem to do anything meaningful at all until it’s gone. Of course, it never is gone, I never do it, and I find myself scrolling social medias all day, a perfectly anodyne time waster. No substance and no thoughts.

But I’m a perfectionist too, with very little confidence. I can tell part of me puts it off because it needs to be as good as it possibly can be, and another part tells me I’ll start it later, I’ll feel better about it later. I have big ideas, that if only I could force myself to do, would be great, but the idea of it not being good enough only puts me off. I’d not do the work until it’s at the point where the excuse is “it’s only bad because I didn’t give myself enough time to do it,” because of the fear of the possibility “it’s bad because I’m bad at it.”

Part of my inability to really do anything I think also had to do with depression. ADD/ADHD makes my life chaos. My room is a mess, there is no organisation or structure in my day, there is no motivation to fix it, no understanding of how to fix it. I’m a very intuitive person, because I have to be. Any decision I make is unknown to me until it’s happening really. I can’t plan when I’m starting work, sometimes I just have to hope I get the motivation to open my laptop. I think depression feeds off the ADD/ADHD symptoms. My room is messy because I can’t be organised, then my mindset worsens because I have such a terrible, unlivable space with no motivation to do anything about it, and it just stays that way. I can’t concentrate long enough to do work, then my mindset worsens because it means I have work overdue, that will have bad consequences, people disappointed in me, and etc, etc. I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m articulating myself well here. I’m intuitive in decisions but I’m also an overthinker. Or maybe just more of a worrier. I don’t do the work and so, every time my phone pings I jump and check cautiously because I fear it’s my lecturer messaging me that I’m off the course. The depression really took a terrible toll on my life. I won’t get too into it but I can hardly talk to friends, find the motivation to shower, or even go outside. All I find myself doing is lying in bed staring at a screen. I don’t know what else I can really do about it.

And the worst part is, in my mind, I have myself convinced that it’s not even that bad. That it’ll be okay tomorrow, I’ll change tomorrow, as if I’m not long past the point of this just being a little off day.

But one thing I do I know is a symptom of ADD/ADHD, which consumes my whole mind, is my hyperfixation. I won’t go too deep but basically for just over a year it’s been an honestly unsubstantial book I read. Loved by many, but nothing special, in comparison. I’ve only read it maybe twice all the way through but it never leaves my mind. I relish in any and all fan works, stalking the ao3 works, refreshing the tumblr tag. I can just stand and jump and pace, while listening to one song on repeat, thinking about the characters in all kinds of scenarios for hours on end. I can imagine the main character as me in everything I do; as I pick up a book from my bookshelf, as I walk my dog, as I lay down at night. I constantly compare myself to him too, feeling bad that I’m not as similar or good. I hate it. I don’t know if I even like the book anymore, I don’t think it’s possible to tell, I’m just obsessed with it.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it really. The NHS don’t diagnose ADHD in adults, and I’m only 18. I’ve been this way my whole life but no one ever paid much attention to it. When I told my mum I think I have depression, she laughed at me, then got really angry, saying I’m not depressed just lazy, before buying me flowers and telling me she was worried I was going to hurt myself. Now I feel like I can’t speak about anything serious like this rationally because she looks for every reason that there is no problem, and if there is it’s the worst possible case, and “oh I’ve been a terrible mum.”

I don’t understand my problem. I have big dreams and goals for my life, I know what I am doing now will never get me anywhere but still that knowledge is not enough to get me to do what I need to. I’ve even written this post over eight days, for all the distractions and lack of motivation I’ve had to finish it. It’s a never ending cycle, but I really hope having this out there now will spark something in me. I’m sure this will make someone feel better about their situation now too, and that’s totally okay! If it can help someone, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m sorry I probably brought up a lot of completely irrelevant stuff, and went into tangents at times, but I just wanted to stress how it all plays into each other. They’re all connected, which brings a lack of motivation and discipline to my life and my work. I just want to let it all go.

Again, I really don’t think many people will read this but anyone is completely welcome to message. If anyone has some tips for people who can just never concentrate, or also anyone who is in social sciencey type courses (psychology, sociology, politics esp) and has some tips for doing that too I’d be so grateful. :) <3 (also this is a repost because I tried posting last night but it wouldn’t go to the tag, hope it works this time)

[bluewavenewwave]

Can I get this off my chest? Back in 2016-2017 I was a sophomore in high school, I was taking a government class in school, and it was the 2016 election. My family has always been very conservative, and I’d always just gone along with it, but I was never actively into politics. Because of the election and my government class, I got really invested into politics. Blindly following my family’s politics, I supported Trump, started obsessively watching conservative YouTube videos, and exclusively watched Fox News. I would get home from school, get on the computer and watch about 4-5 hours everyday of videos from people like Paul Joseph Watson, Candace Owens, Ben Shapiro, Milo Yiannopolis, Mark Dice, Steven Crowder, Students for Life, and Live Action. And then we’d all watch (either baseball or) Fox News during dinner and before going to bed. I was literally obsessed with being conservative. I became extremely pro-life and anti-abortion, even though I was very pro-choice in middle school and freshman year. Never in my life have I ever wanted children, or really even liked kids. But to add substance to my pro-life stance, I pretended I wanted children, and told people I wanted to have kids when I was older, even though I knew I didn’t. I’ve been an atheist (and anti-theist) since I was six, but because I was so determined to be a good conservative, I started reciting the “under god” line during the pledge of allegiance in school for a few days, even though I never had before. I even tried to convince myself that maybe I could follow some form of religion. I believed in aliens, why not god? That didn’t last for more than a few hours, but I was so obsessed with trying to fit in as a conservative, I was willing to try anything. For the end of the year essay in government class, I wrote about the “popularity of the conservative movement” (yikes). My life literally revolved around politics and my entire identity was conservative. I was completely brainwashed and I didn’t know it. The thing is, in middle school and freshman year, I lived for music and celebrity/Hollywood news, and I spent most of my time fangirling over my favorite artists. My life was music. Then in 2016 none of my favorite artists were putting out new music/content, and I just got bored and looked for something else to obsess over. And I chose politics. 

My life in middle school and freshman year revolved around music. It may seem a bit pathetic, but my entire life revolved around One Direction and Taylor Swift. My life had structure based around the routine music and content I’d get from them. Every year I’d get a One Direction album in  November, and every other year (on the even numbered years) in October or November, I’d get a Taylor Swift album, and every year there was at least one tour. And then in 2016 there was no One Direction tour and no Taylor Swift tour. November 2016 was the first year in a long time there was no new One Direction album. 2016 was also the first even numbered year in her career that Taylor hadn’t put out a new album. It was November 2016, my structure was gone, I was bored, and I had no new music to obsess over. But there was an election. And thus my new obsession began.

In middle school and freshman year I never truly identified politically one way or another, but I knew deep down I was liberal. I just would never admit it out loud to anyone because of how conservative my parents were and how much they always said they hated liberals. But in middle school and freshman year, I was liberal, I was a feminist, I was pro-choice, pro-environment, and pro-LGBT. The only politics I ever cared about or got involved in were LGBT issues. I would write LGBT essays for school, or even just for myself. I’ve known I was bi since I was 10, and LGBT issues have always been my #1 political focus, even when I thought I was conservative. 

I didn’t switch to conservatism until November 2016. I even said to myself at the time “I know one day I’ll be liberal again”. In reality, I always was liberal, I was just desperately trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I was conservative. 

It got really bad in 2017. I spent the entire year watching conservative YouTube videos and Fox News. I think I watched so much conservative content because I was trying to make sure the brainwashing stuck. I think deep down I always subconsciously knew that I didn’t agree, but when all you consume all day everyday is conservative views, you’re going to convince yourself you do agree. I convinced myself I was conservative, I convinced myself I didn’t really care about the environment, I convinced myself I was pro-life, I convinced myself that I wasn’t a feminist, I convinced myself that I was panphobic and transphobic. I brainwashed myself completely and I still hate myself for it. I had a daily journal notebook and almost everyday in 2017 I would write something about politics, or Trump, or the videos I would watch. I think I was trying to write it down as much as possible to try to convince myself it’s what I believed. I was brainwashed but I was still trying to subconsciously fight the side of me that knew those weren’t my true beliefs. Maybe it was because I knew my parents had a habit of going through my things and reading my journals and I wanted to convince them I was conservative. 

For my birthday in 2017 in November I got Harry Styles’ debut album, Niall Horan’s “Flicker”, and Taylor Swift’s “reputation”. And I got really back into my fandoms. In 2018 I made a One Direction/Taylor Swift fan account on Twitter, and I was constantly getting content from all my favorite artists. Harry, Taylor, and Niall had tours, and Liam and Louis were putting out singles. 

In 2018 I still considered myself to be conservative, but every time I’d watch a conservative YouTube video I realized, and admitted to myself, I wasn’t agreeing with any of it. Every time I’d try to watch a video or Fox News, I’d be rolling my eyes and disagreeing. So I stopped altogether. I completely ignored politics, I stopped watching political YouTube videos and politicized news. I spent most of my time being involved in my fandoms online or watching baseball. 

In senior year (2018-2019) I became pro-choice again, and a feminist again. Part of me felt like I was lifting a horrible weight off of myself, and another part of me felt like I was admitting defeat. I’ve always been stubborn, and after two years of being brainwashed into believing I was conservative and hated liberals, it was hard to admit that I myself was in fact liberal. So I held onto the panphobia and transphobia. For a brief period of time in 2019 I was a pro-LGB panphobic bisexual terf (and yeah I hate myself for that, too). I had my beliefs but I never got involved in politics. Senior year in English I wrote my essay on LGBT issues and rights, and I don’t think I would’ve done that junior or sophomore year. During the summer of 2019, I watched MTV’s “Are You The One?” season 8 (fluid season) and it all just clicked. It was literally overnight. I stopped being panphobic. I stopped being transphobic. I stopped being a terf. My sudden switch back to liberal views really does prove to me that I always was liberally minded, and once I stopped trying to brainwash myself into thinking I was conservative, I was able to truly admit it to myself. 

I never posted my conservative “beliefs” anywhere online or told them to anyone at school, or left hate comments anywhere or discriminated against anyone. They were just thoughts in my head, and occasionally in my journals. 

I wanted to post this because I’ve spent the last year or so trying to desperately erase all evidence that I ever identified conservatively. I scratched out/covered up all my political journal entries from when I was conservative, tore up and recycled all my old school papers where I’d mentioned I was conservative, and painted over some conservative quotes/names/references on a collage my sister gave me for Christmas (that one I feel bad about, but I couldn’t bare to see those things represent me anymore). I even ripped out journal entries where I reflected on overcoming being conservative, and how I feel so much better believing in and supporting what’s right (or, well, left… get it?). I wrote that the highlight of my decade was becoming liberal again, supporting communities I’d turned my back on, and becoming a better person. I ripped out and threw those pages away because I wanted to forget I ever thought I was conservative. I want to stop pretending it never happened, acknowledge my faults and mistakes, and recognize my growth. Because I’m proud of that growth.

I wanted to create this blog to focus on politics in a healthy way, and share ideas that help people, rather than hurt them. This is not a liberal blog run by someone who has only known liberal politics and grew up in a liberal household. This is a liberal blog run by a liberal who grew up surrounded by conservative politics and has spent time analyzing both sets of views, both sides. This is a liberal blog run by someone who knows just how bad conservative brainwashing can be, someone who experienced it first hand. This is a liberal blog run by a liberal who wants to stand up for what’s right. 

[mbtiofwhys]

MBTI and quarantine

How INFJ mod and ENFP mod are dealing with self distancing

Disclaimer: quarantine for us began roughly around the end of February, and we’re writing this at the end of April, so it’s been two whole months by now.

How have we been doing up until now?

INFJ mod: the first month went well, and with “well” I mean “bad”. As an introvert, social distancing shouldn’t affect me too much, right? Well, this is true and I suppose it’s a benefit I’ve experimented in the last weeks. It somehow helps me easing emotional pain and stress and this is undoubtedly an introvert perk. At the same time I’m a J. I need a certain amount of structure and order to plan ahead and organize my nearest future. I had a couple of exams during the first month of quarantine and it was stressful to deal with them in an emergency situation with lots of unforseen problems. So, how have I been doing up until now? I must admit that an unexpected emergency like this affected my emotional well-being, but i’m trying to stay positive and learn to adapt and take advantage of quarantine!

ENFP mod: the first weeks had been absolute hell, let me tell you. I lost my routine, I lost my friends, I couldn’t even go out for a walk and every plan I’d made crumbled. Staying home felt like prison, and not having a set routine anymore affected my mental order and productivity because I was no longer able to correctly prioritize things. However, I think being N and being P helped me getting used to quarantine while at the same time being able to at least pursue my main interests and hobbies (I play games, I write, I read, and so on). I’m doing far better now, between discord calls with friends and group projects for uni, I keep in touch with people, while the increased free time allows my sparkling Ne-Fi to focus more on personal projects, like this blog.

Working/studying at home 

INFJ mod: As I stated before, I’m a student. My university reacted well to the emergency and found countermeasures to compromise between a lack of lectures and the regular exams. Now I’m attending online lessons and the situation is far less stressful than it was until a month ago. I don’t have to underestimate this lack of pressure, because in a context where every day feels the same it’s easy to slack off and to lose track of time. From a more concrete standpoint I must admit how comfortable and suitable online lessons are, since i don’t have to spend hours commuting and I can save time.

ENFP mod: I study in the advertising field, so my lessons are more like labs and peer reviews than proper lectures - also, there’s a lot of group work. Quarantine affected all this very badly to put things lightly, and although I appreciate the effort my university put in providing online classes and reviews, things aren’t absolutely the same as before, and this is lowering my motivation overall. I also used to work part time in events and malls during weekends, so obviously I lost that one, too - what a life.

Alone time vs imposed isolation 

INFJ mod: Quarantine should be like heaven for an introvert, right? Here is the fact: I can stay at home for a week or even more without social interaction, but it will always be my choice to recharge my social batteries or to enjoy alone time. This is an entirely different situation. Imposed isolation feels exactly like what it is: a necessary imposition that I didn’t choose. So, even if I need alone time as an introvert, I really miss my friends and the simple things we can do like laughing together, talking about our lives and passions, seeing them smile or telling a joke, sharing emotions. Because as an INFJ my auxiliary Fe just NEEDS to share emotions, thoughts, experiences, fears and dreams with trusted friends. As a Fe user, I’m still managing to find healthy ways to express my feelings, and although quarantine is an unusual situation and there are more constraints, I can still stay in touch with my friend and try to use Fe in a positive way.

ENFP mod: People call us ENFPs ‘the most introverted of the extroverts’ and I can see why but truth is, the E is there and you can’t change that. Not attending classes is hard, and I miss even the smallest things of being outside - like listening to music while commuting or walking in the street and generally… feel the outer world? And even if I, too, need alone time sometimes, it’s different when it’s forced. But I got used to it in the end, so it’s not that bad anymore. Lots of reading, writing and playing games - thank God P5R came out at the end of March. I’m managing by sharing opinions and experiences with my friends - we can’t discuss how Makoto Niijima is the absolute best waifu of the P5 female cast in person, but we can do that via chat with fanworks.

Social distancing: real interaction vs digital interaction

INFJ mod: there is a huge difference between real and digital interaction. If we talk about how internet allows us to communicate and work or study at home, digital interactions surely are helpful and I’m really thankful to live in an era where I can stay in contact with my friends and even see them. At the same time, as a Fe user I find real interaction irreplaceable and from a more irrational and emotional standpoint I can’t compare the two. That being said, I really value digital interaction as substitute of real ones. It’ll always be welcomed, be it to study or to stay in touch with friends. I also must admit how digital interactions are an interesting compromise between alone and social time, a win-win for an introverted Fe user like me.

ENFP mod: I tend to be very touchy when it comes to the people I love so yeah, digital interaction isn’t the same thing. At the same time, none of my closest friends live in my city, and we often need to organize things a month prior to fit everyone schedule, so I’m at least used to not seeing them everyday. I also truly miss my classmates, with whom I used to go out after lessons and have fun. This isn’t obviously possible with Skype calls - and don’t get me started on how project works are harder to deliver like this.

Routine

INFJ mod: Maybe you’ll find it odd to read this from a J, but routines can really stress me out and I need small variation to my daily activities to relieve the fatigue. During this self imposed isolation I’m finding harder than usual to escape from routines.Yes, as a J I need structure and order to an extent. Yes, as a J I need time to adapt to new unexpected situations. What you may not know is that I also need ways to break free from strict and repetitive tasks. In my case, routines need to be a compromise between being mentally reassured by the presence of a certain amount of order and predictability and my aversion for repetitive tasks. Order and structure are subordinated to my desire for freedom. Freedom to create in an environment where I have time and space to envision what I want and how to do it, with my pace.

ENFP mod: I really struggled and I’m still struggling with routine. I don’t like routine per se, but it’s an external factor that gives structure to my life and helps me make the most of my free time while not losing track of my duties. Uni classes played the bigger role in this, and now that they’re online, the temptation of slacking off is really difficult to ignore. I keep my calendar updated and I make sure to be present and focused when needed, but I discovered I’m not well fit for smart working. To me, home is the place where I relax, rest and maybe study, but it certainly isn’t the place where I work. This conflict is what is giving me a hard time focusing on school projects, because if I’m home, the default mode is having fun. Also, I don’t have a sleep schedule anymore. I try my best every night, every night I get rejected.

Dealing with the inferior function

INFJ mod: I’m still working on my inferior Se and quarantine isn’t helping. As the inferior function, it usually takes me a while to even realize how much I’m falling into a Se grip or simply how much I’m not aware of Se. Self isolation amplifies those aspects and makes even harder to become conscious of unhealthy Se manifestations. Quarantine hasn’t stopped me to find a positive outlook in this situation and to learn from mistakes. At first I began to take a more concrete approach in daily life with simple actions. I live in a small town and I have green areas near my house, so I’m lucky enough to be able to spend some time in the nature and to experience it through the five senses. I’m also trying to become more aware of Se by being more present. This week I’m taking action and breaking vicious cycles of overthinking and self-doubt. Self isolation doesn’t allow me to experience life fully, so I’m taking advantage of the situation and I’m focusing those energies in concrete and meaningful actions, like writing on this blog or working on personal project involving creative writing. 

ENFP mod: inferior Si isn’t giving me a particularly hard time, surprisingly. I’ve experienced Si grip and I know what that means to me, but luckily that isn’t an issue now. I sometimes do things that require a more focused and detail-oriented approach: styling wigs for cosplay, trying on new make-ups, baking or cooking, observing what happens out of the window to write it down. They’re not “Si activities” by definition, but they are all things that require concentration, calm, methodical approach and that cannot be rushed - on contrary, sometimes I need to start from scratches and observe my mistakes in order to improve. These are all small things that help my Si stay present and not freaking out overthinking the past, brooding in regrets or yelling at me because I’m not living a structured life at the moment.

The risk of loops and grips

INFJ mod: this is partly tied to what I wrote in the section above: this unexpected emergency and the resulting self isolation produced stress and negative emotions. As an INFJ, my first reaction is to jump in the future and visualize possible scenarios. In this difficult times, I need to take a step back from my negative “what ifs” and to stay positive by building a better future for myself and others day by day, through simple and concrete action. Otherwise I only risk to slip into Se grips or Ni-Ti loops. As I stated before I’m already working on Se: it’s not easy, but I’m at least trying. Another piece of the puzzle is my auxiliary Fe:proper auxiliary function development is essential to avoid loops. As an INFJ, self isolation prevents me from reaching out to my friends as much as I desire, at the same time we can stay in touch through digital interactions and they are surely helping me relieving stress and preventing loops. 

ENFP mod: while the Si part is ok, I still seem to have problems with NeTe loop. I had some rough ten days in mid-March because I was so focused on the million projects I had to finish and how that was stressing me out that I practically lived for nothing else. I managed to stop that before it got worse by speaking with my colleagues and asking to slow down the pace, so that I could have some free time to spend without feeling guilty or unproductive. But I still need to be cautious about the loop.

Trying to use all the four functions (and other healthy coping mechanisms)

INFJ mod: ok, it’s time to sum up what I wrote in the last three sections. From an mbti perspective, I’m trying to find a balance between self reflection (Ni) and concrete actions (Se). Staying in the present, taking full responsibility for my actions,  approaching life through simple and steady actions are all steps I follow every day to shift my locus of control to a more internal position. There are obviously setbacks and some days are far worse than others, but I’m trying to stay positive and find hope. Fe helps me to reach other people which is invaluable but sadly, as an introvert, doesn’t come naturally to me. It’s an healthy way to alleviate or completely avoid loops and to keep my heart warm. Ti, when not involved in a loop, allows me to give structure to what I find meaningful and to organize my thoughts. Ti is basically the backbone of what I envision through Ni. 

ENFP mod: although the first times were rough, I feel I managed to find a balance along the way - with some setback from time to time. My Ne is constantly active in brainstormings for uni and discussing fictional works with friends. I must check on what my Fi needs because I tend to endure stress way more than I should do, so every now and then I must ask myself if I’m fine, if I need to stop or if I truly, absolutely like what I’m working on and, if the answer is no, if it’s possible to discuss it with my project group. Te is very active (even too much, sometimes) and it’s the core of me managing school, blog and personal projects, often writing things down on a schedule in order to keep my mind clear and ordered. I may help my Si more by really trying to re-establish a routine, but honestly the P approach helped me very much in this months of uncertainty, so I think I’ll keep going on like this as long as I’m fine.

Thank you for reading this far! - the mods

[lovemesomesurveys]

Whoa, me doing a bolding survey?

*lol bolding surveys are tough for me because I want to elaborate on my choices, which I did a lot of in this.*

NFP | mediator/idealist You get carried away by fantasies and ideas Always want to be hugged You’re energized by quiet time alone Constantly looking for the best in people People say you’re shy/calm/reserved So open-minded Can’t stop thinking about the future Probably a writer or artist in some way Compassionate and empathetic Insanely good listener Prefer a small group of friends Absolutely hate injustice Easily get lost in deep thought 9/13

ENFJ | protagonist/mentor Expert at communicating with others You’re sensitive and easily offended A natural born leader You strive for win-win situations Everyone wants to be your friend You’re basically everyone’s cheerleader  Hate seeing people excluded from things You stand firm for what you believe in You just want everyone to be happy Live for supporting people around you You’d be a great teacher You love to keep your life organized You’re probably an empath 6.5/13

ESTJ | executive/supervisor Incredibly practical about life You naturally step into leadership roles You can be very detail-oriented You’re very matter-of-fact You’re known to be very direct The first to take charge in a situation People say you’re very focused and driven Sometimes you can be too impersonal Strive in managerial positions Driven by results You love meeting and talking to new people You strongly believe in working hard You hate people who don’t follow rules. <<< I consider myself to be pretty rule abiding for the most part and I don’t condone crimes, but I can’t say I’ve never done anything wrong. Maybe nothing too serious, but still. I wouldn’t say I hate people who don’t follow rules, but I have an issue with people who don’t follow certain rules. It’s complicated hence the italicized answer and the need to explain a little further. .5/13

ESFP | entertainer/performer You love to live in the moment You’re energized when around people Avoid conflict like the corona virus You never forget anything Can be materialistic <<< I mean, I like my Apple products and Beats headphones, which are nice and expensive things, yes, but I don’t know if the term materialistic applies to me because of it. I think it goes bigger and beyond that. I’m not consumed with buying expensive things to fill a void or think it can buy happiness. I don’t have to be bigger and better. I don’t want to be flashy. I enjoy the items I listed above, but there’s more important things in life than worldly possessions.   You’re constantly changing your mind Way too friendly You could easily be an actor Often the life of the party Not a huge fan of deadlines or structure Independent af Constantly finding the light of a situation Sensitive to the needs of others 3/13

ISFP | adventurer/artisan Tend to hold back your feelings You live an easy-going life  You stick to a close group of friends <<< no friends anymore, but I stick to my family, who I’m close to and spend a lot of my time with. That’s how it was when I did have friends, though. I never had a big group of friends and that was perfectly fine with me. Hate long-term planning <<< I have to take things day by day or do short-term goals. Mistaken as “lazy” or “slow-moving” <<< Italicized because they’re not mistaken. You take things at your own pace So considerate to those around you <<< Italicized because I think I am? I sure try to be. Absolutely hate criticism and conflict Sometimes too hard on yourself <<< All the time. You could be an artist or musician You have a special bond with animals Have been called “unconventional” before Learn best with hands-on training 9/13

INTJ | architect/mastermind Everyone go away Very low tolerance for stupidity Small talk = your worst nightmare Have very dry humor Sarcasm is your first language You love researching everything Planning is your favorite hobby Can’t stand salespeople Known to be very blunt Probably could be a doctor or engineer A grammar nazi You like to silently judge people You love to create theories about life 3/13

ESFJ | consul/caregiver You care so much about others Take your responsibilities very seriously <<< Not these past few years like I should, but normally. You have a contagious laughter Tasks are your best friend You’re very family-oriented The most loyal person ever You absolutely hate feeling useless No one would ever call you selfish Probably strive as a nurse or social worker Overflowing with compassion and love Always seeing the best in others You value security and stability for everyone So down to earth <<< In some ways. I’m not a relaxed and stress-free person at all, but I’m also not arrogant or proud. I get along with and can work well with others. I don’t see myself as better or superior to others at all. 6/13

ISTP | virtuoso/crafter Very comfortable with change Easily find the solution in any problem Always want to know how things work Love to be constantly doing something Handle crisis-situations really well Efficient af in everything you do Stubborn when you know you’re right Hard for others to tell how you’re feeling <<< For the most part. My mom is good at it, though. 100% a hands-on learner Could easily be a mechanic or it the military You’re never afraid to make a mistake You dress for comfort more than style Easily bored and unfocused with tasks 3/13

ENFP | campaigner/champion Spotted constantly laughing So much enthusiasm for life Love to start new projects Constantly have a new hobby to do Hate repetitive tasks so much Expert at brainstorming new ideas Not a fan of micromanagers Very quick to understand people’s concerns So much energy Probably a comedian or counselor You’re never afraid to make a mistake Easily motivate people to join a cause Always looking at the big picture of life 2/13

ISFJ | defender/protector Very sensitive to others’ feelings Love to have a routine to follow every day Drawn to facts more than theories Hate the “unknown” in any situation <<< The unknown is generally scary to me, but some things I don’t want or need to know. Always want to keep others safe and sound Safety first You’re always obeying the laws/rules Known to procrastinate on certain things Easily taken advantage of, unfortunately Strives as a nurse or interior designer So detail-oriented and organized You love following traditions Probably quiet as a child 6.5/13

ESTP | entrepreneur/persuader Always seeking to have a good time Bubbly and happy almost all the time Love being the center of attention Like to live in the “now” Sometimes you can be too impulsive Life always seems to work out for you Expert at adapting the life changes Rules suck Very observant of the people around you Could be an entrepreneur or bartender So detail-oriented and organized People are drawn to your enthusiasm You’re a “get things done” person 0/13

INTP | logical/thinker You’re known to be quiet/thoughtful Can be distracted for hours by one thing Always hated group projects <<< Not because I have a problem with working with others, it’s just that group projects always gave me added stress. I didn’t like my grade dependent on other people and vice versa. I always stressed about everyone getting their part done. You find it hard to trust others Serious introvert Have a child-like sense of wonder Hate structure You never run out of things to talk about Can handle criticism pretty well Would strive as a lawyer or professor Will share educational articles with others Could easily win a debate with anyone Just generally pretty smart 5.5/13

ENTJ | commander/ceo Find the most efficient way to do anything Very goal-focused Can come across very assertive Born to be a leader Work hard and play hard Can motivate anyone to do anything Hate repeated mistakes Feel the need to fix everything Allergic to stupidity Never satisfied with your own work It’s so easy to get what you want Probably excel as a lawyer or ceo The word “impossible” doesn’t exist for you 1/13

INFJ | advocate/counselor Fear doing the wrong thing Genuinely want to please and help others Believe in the complexities of relationship <<< Not sure I understand this correctly, but I think so? Love encouraging others to be better Very likely an empath Could be a photographer or teacher Always avoiding conflict and criticism Feel the need to fix everything Really good at communicating with others Take relationships very seriously Sociable and fun but needs time alone too Loves physical contact with people Always the one to give advice to others <<< I used to be. 6.5/13

ENTP | debater/inventor Constantly coming up with abstract ideas Champion at debates Arrogant but also aware of your own faults The most introverted extrovert Getting really excited about sharing ideas Constantly changing your opinions Low tolerance for people but also social You overanalyze everything Known to take a lot of risks in life Picking accidental fights all the time Have probably argued with authorities So freaking clever Could be a detective or inventor as a career 1/13

ISTJ | logistical/inspector Take constructive criticism like a boss You thrive on organization Incredibly responsible You don’t rest until the job is done Actually really good with money Believe things should be done by the book Strive for structure in your every day life Absolutely hate getting in trouble Probably an officer or accountant Literally the most dependable person Sometimes too logical for people Take time to warm up to new ideas Some call you a perfectionist 3.5/13

[letterboxd]

Human Resources.

Kitty Green talks to our London correspondent Ella Kemp about “putting the audience in the shoes of the youngest woman in a toxic work environment” in her new film, The Assistant.

The long-undervalued job of a Hollywood assistant has come into stark relief thanks to recent events, and the stories that are being told of assistants’ experiences, working conditions and pay rates are jaw-dropping. (Episode 422 of the Scriptnotes podcast is well worth a listen.)

Filmmaker Kitty Green was well ahead of the conversation; her first narrative feature, The Assistant, quietly premiered at the Telluride Film Festival last August (and the Berlinale in February). Dubbed by many as ‘the first post-#MeToo movie’, it is a remarkable portrait of a young woman navigating just another day in the office. Except this is not just another office, and so many things are wrong about this day.

Starring Julia Garner (Grandma, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Electrick Children) as Jane, the assistant to the predatory head of a New York-based film studio, the story zooms in on the details of her routine—the tedious tasks, the belittlement from her colleagues, the oppression from her mostly faceless boss—with such laser-sharp vision that by the end we feel we know Jane deep in our bones.

Green has previously directed the documentary features Ukraine is Not a Brothel (2013) and Casting JonBenét (2017), the latter a meta-documentary that also hones in on the neglect and exploitation of young women, albeit under a different light (it is now streaming on Netflix). While Green’s documentary experience bears fruit in her attention to detail, the narrative form of The Assistant allows for a focus on mundane tasks and micro-reactions that documentary might not have access to.

Various Letterboxd reviews mention the anxiety-inducing way The Assistant allows us to watch Jane “probe her place in the established, tacit system of complacency… knowing that everyone around her is motivated by self-interest to pretend it doesn’t exist” (Josh Lewis). “Green encourages her viewers to pay close attention to what’s really going on beneath the surface,” (KristineJean) in “a horror movie of soul-sickening ambience” (Scott Tobias).

Though The Assistant’s film festival run was cut short, and the closure of cinemas around the world hurts for a lot of us, there’s something about the claustrophobia of social distancing and the intimacy of the small screen that maybe suits this picture. Nevertheless, seeing the film in a cinema in ‘the before time’ highlighted for Alyssa Heflin the ocean of different opinions that can come from misunderstood subtext: “Watching this in a room where you can hear people snickering at the girl and asking what the point of all this is adds a certain extra… incendiary level to an already deeply angry viewing experience.” Indeed, discomfort and crossed wires seem to define the messages at the core of The Assistant.

Kitty Green talks to Ella Kemp about the influence of Chantal Akerman, the infinite watchability of Julia Garner, and the oddness of growing up with a Nazi-free edit of The Sound of Music.

Jane (Julia Garner) takes another call from the boss in ‘The Assistant’.

The Assistant is your first fiction feature. The subject matter feels so immediate—what made you choose to not make a documentary of this, given your track record in that realm? Kitty Green: I went to fiction film school, and I made fiction short films. I then found work in documentary, so I made two feature-length docs. With this one, I was looking at exploring the micro-aggressions, the tiny moments, gestures, looks, glances, behaviors that often go overlooked when covering the #MeToo movement. We often talk about the bad men and the misconduct, but this is more about a cultural, structural problem. So I was hoping to amplify the more quietly insidious behavior that we need to address if we really want things to improve. A fiction film allowed me to hone in on details—close up—and the way you can take an annoyance through the emotional experience, putting the audience in the shoes of the youngest woman in a toxic work environment.

How did you decide to keep the timeframe to just one day in Jane’s life rather than fleshing it out over a longer period? The lead character is in such a complicated position. It’s such a difficult set of circumstances, the machinery that this predator has created around himself. I wanted to untick that, to discuss how difficult it is to be a young woman in that environment. So the day, the routine, was really important. What she was experiencing, how she was experiencing it; every task she did I gave equal weight to. Whether she was photocopying, binding something suspicious, you experience it as you would if you were in her shoes. That was important to me.

I had my fists clenched the whole time, when she’d be eating cereal, or washing up mugs, waiting for something awful to happen. Totally. It’s exploring misconduct, but it’s also looking at a whole spectrum, from gendered work environments, toxic work environments, through all these environments that support predatory behavior. I was interested in what the entry points are, without conflating those issues and being able to explore all the cultural systemic things we need to unpick to move forward.

The film is so focused on Jane, played by Julia Garner. How did you choose her? The script is pretty bare when it describes who she is, she’s just Jane. I didn’t have anyone in mind, really. I told my casting agent that we’re watching this character do the most mundane tasks, so it was important that she was striking. I said I needed someone infinitely watchable. I had seen Julia in The Americans and I remembered being struck by her, so I immediately wanted to meet her. She really understood the script, it worked out beautifully. We got to create the character together, we had a month of rehearsals where we really went through where she was emotionally at any given point, and Julia is wonderful so it was great.

Matthew Macfadyen and Kitty Green discuss a scene in ‘The Assistant’. / Photo: Ty Johnson

And Matthew Macfadyen—his character feels so crucial and his performance so pivotal, even in just one scene. What were you looking for when casting him? I’ve been a fan of his for forever, but I hadn’t seen Succession. Apparently the character has some similarities? I’ve only watched Succession in the past week… Somebody had to send me a clip to prove he could do an American accent! Matthew really brought something to that character and took it to another level. It’s so insidious what he does. He and Julia worked so beautifully together, it just got better and better every time.

How did you feel watching Succession now and seeing Matthew as Tom Wambsgans? Tom still feels different somehow. But I’ve had a good time watching it, he’s so great. There are parallels for sure!

The language you use in the film is so careful, so much is in the subtext. How do you build tension from these empty spaces? We had a great visual team who were lighting it in an interesting way. There was a lot of oppressive fluorescent lights. The sound was also very important—we had an amazing sound designer, Leslie Schatz, who does a lot of Todd Haynes’ stuff and Gus Van Sant’s. He’d done Elephant, which I thought was phenomenally sound designed. He sent out a team to record every kind of buzz, hum, whir, and we created a lot of tension in that soundscape. It heightens these moments when you can really feel the hum of the fluorescent lights or the alarm of the copier. Things like that are authentic to the world, so it doesn’t feel like you’re manipulating an audience, but they do add a dramatic tension.

During The Assistant’s various film festival screenings so far, audience reactions have been quite varied. Some people find it uncomfortable, some have found it funny. What would you hope an audience member would take from it? Who found it funny…? That’s a strange reaction, and a little terrifying. I think it makes some men uncomfortable and maybe their reaction is to laugh as a way to hide that discomfort. I get a lot of men come up to me afterwards and say, “There are things in that film that maybe I have done.” Those conversations are really important. There’s a scene where the men lean over Jane’s chair and correct her email, little things like that which can be quite patronising even if a lot of men think are helpful. But there’s a point where they cross a line, where maybe it isn’t helpful anymore and it’s a little insulting. I’ve had a few people who are bosses with their own assistants who have watched the film and have said they’re going to treat them a little better, and that maybe they’re wrestling with their own guilt. I think those conversations are great.

Julia Garner prepares for a take on the set of ‘The Assistant’. / Photo: Ty Johnson

What is your favorite one-woman-show performance, where one female actor entirely carries the film? A big influence on The Assistant was Chantal Akerman’s Jeanne Dielman, 23 Quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles. It’s just one woman going about her housework. I remember seeing that in film school and being bowled over by it, I’d never seen anything like it.

Do you have a favorite scene that has ever taken place in an office environment? Offices… I mean, I love The Office? I watched it in preparation for this, even though there’s seemingly nothing in common except for the ways of the photocopier…

It’s important to inhale that kind of comedy while working on something more intense, right? For sure, that helps.

What is your favorite on-screen argument? I watched a lot of them to prepare for the HR scene, as it’s a confrontation between two characters. There’s a scene in Steve McQueen’s Hunger, which is a seventeen-minute dialogue. It’s an incredible scene. It’s not an argument but still some sort of confrontation. I was interested in scenes like that which are really long and stand out from the rest of the movie. James Schamus, one of my producers, made a film called Indignation, which has a confrontation between two characters, which also influenced the structure of what I was doing. I also just watched the latest episode of Better Call Saul in which there’s a sixteen-minute confrontation, which I thought was pretty remarkable.

What was the first film that made you want to be a filmmaker? To be honest I’m not sure. I got a video camera when I was eleven, and I started playing with it in our backyard, making little movies. It wasn’t that I saw a film and tried to replicate it necessarily. But I do have a strange story…

I had a copy of The Sound of Music in which my father had edited out the Nazis, because he was worried I’d be scared of them as a kid. So I have this strange 40-minute version of the film that ends at the wedding scene… And I always thought that was The Sound of Music, and then in high school I figured out there’s this whole other storyline I never knew existed. I guess that taught me the power of editing! I had to go back and rewatch what I’d seen, and it definitely made me think of the craft more as a viewer.

‘The Assistant’ is available to watch on VOD platforms (including Hulu) as of late July.

[susiron]

I really need a more solid routine in my life

And possibly to get back on antidepressants

Cause existential dread thoughts keep sneaking up on me lately; I think I’ve just had too much time to, well, think.

Like I keep thinking lately about how I’ve been out of high school for almost 9 years, and about how I haven’t really had a true routine in my life since then.

And I think the real kicker is that I haven’t really... gone anywhere since high school. I still live with my dad, in the same house I’ve always known, in the same bedroom and everything— only I don’t have a routine anymore. It’s like I’ve been listing along since then

Like I keep trying to be happy and to improve and go places, but ultimately I’m just surrounded by memories of a much more structured and healthy part of my life.

I just need to figure something out. I need to move forward and find a rhythm that doesn’t focus on “I’ve been down this hallway all my life, only I’m sadder now and don’t have a clear direction where I’m going”

It kind of makes me feel like I’m going mad sometimes, when the existentialism strikes me and I realize that I’ve literally never lived out of this house, and that I don’t have any idea when I will be out of this house, and I realize I’m scared to leave this house at this point because it’s tied to everything I’ve ever known and seen and been.

But I want to leave this house and live my life elsewhere— to make new memories and live in the moment and just be a person that’s not wandering the same hallways pointlessly.

But between financial issues and anxiety, I don’t even know where to start.

Please don’t reblog this.