#me to myself every waking second
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revisiting this site every now and then to reminisce in how much it shaped me as a person and defined me as a literal child
#cuz i was looking thru old youtube playlists right#and i found this one video edited by wooly abt the time spicy went crazy over a kuroo x joe crackskip (hilarious btw)#(also i cant find spicy did they deactivate forever help)#but like something about the interactions. and seeing myself during that time. just hit really really really hard.#like that was a little girl. she was 12 or 13 or whatever and the people on this site were her entire world#and she'd wake up every morning and check her dashboard and send asks and break the post limit and that was like#a significant part of my childhood. and then one day i just stopped logging on.#and i never even realized it but i talked to some of these ppl for the last time and didnt even realize that that was the last time#the people who i swore id meet in person one day. i knew everything about them and they knew everything about me#and now theyre just memories. and i refuse to call that era of my life cringe because i wouldnt have had it any other way#sorry im really senti. i need to find people again i miss them#and now we've all grown in different ways. yk the meeting people twice thing? yeah.#when u all met me i was second yr middle school and now im second year high school#theres so much i had on this site. some days i want it back
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sneeping with his legs up over his head for some reason... weird boye
#cats#love the second picture... skrungly sleepy well rested boye face...#since he's an elderly boy now sometimes when he wakes up from a nap he looks a bit scruffy and squinty eyed#Hard to beleive he's like 15 though.. he still looks like a kitten to me.. due to his giant round creature eyes and childlike demeanor#I think it's interesting that like... baby cats are babies. kittens are kittens. and you can tell a cat is like 'young adult' phase#looking from like a few months to maybe 1yr or 2yrs.. but after that they just always look the same to me#a 5 yr old cat is a 10 yr old cat is a 15 year old cat. unless the cat in question is particulalry aged or youthful#I still have so so little energy... it's been icy here this week. like not even FUN but just scary icy even thoguh i lOOOVE the cold#and its my favorite weather. I think it'd be okay actually if I had a woodburning stove/fireplace/hearth thing. literally thats my only#concern with the power going out. I genuinely don't mind stuff like having to go to the bathroom in buckets or cook over a fire or do other#less conveninet things. Its just that if eveyrhtng is electric then you have no way to cook and all of that. well.. and I literally need#background noise to go to sleep lest my ocd sprials become so loud I am slowly driven into maddness.. but a few battery packs or something#and a phone with one downloaded video I could play on repeat is fine for that. I dont need internet. ANYWAY.. so so sad that my fav#orite season ever (winter) is here. and the first cold of the winter is like... just an ice storm that you cant even walk in. I#love like 4 feet of snow where you can play in it and stuff. But just a thin flat sheet of a few inches of ice over every imaginable surfac#is not really playable. the wind speeds are so high and so many trees fall it's actually not that safe to go hang out outside anyway unless#you were in a totally clear open field. which is SAD also because i love ice and high winds. i love to stand out there and get whipped in t#he face with ice crystals and feel like I'm in some dramatic movie or something. but alas.. the threat of being attacked by a falling tree.#I did go out some but again it's like. literallyyou cant walk on it. so I just squatted and dragged myself along the ground lol#One of my stories has a whole section where the main characters are trapped in a deadly cold environment for a week and have to use magic#to survive and etc. etc. so I'm always like.. ouuu.. I should go in the ice.. it's Writing Research actually.. *foolishly gets frostbite*#THOUGH yesterday I went on a harrowing evil journey down a bunch of icy hilly roads to go check on some person's cat because the cat#had been left in the house for like 5 days at that point with nobody to check on them and nobody else seemed to want to do anything#about it (like call all of the neighbors or try to get someone out there) so I just went myself with a roommate who agreed to drive me.#It seemed acting totally normal and I gave it more food and water but.. I am still worried about it.. Apparently the person will be able#to get back to their house tomorrow but.. I dont trust them. But I couldnt take the cat with me because it's like.. a stranger's cat#basically and also no carrier + very skittish.. so I feared if I just tried to carry them bare handed they'd definitely leap from my grasp#and then it'd be like.. sliding on a sheet of ice chasing a cat and so on.. I still think they need to be watched for health issues tho >:|#ANYWAY.... many cat adventures lately... and strange weather... I wish for a normal week without always so many Things Happening.. augh
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one day I will find sufficient words to describe how much I love Maximus. until then, screencaps and fanfics and incomprehensible long tags must be my heart’s balm
#the ideal method would be simply expressing my love for him in person#second would be finding some unexplainable way to actually articulate how deep my adoration for him is#next best is what happens on this blog every day#a girl must do what she can#i am so. overcome with longing for him sometimes#just a chance to wrap him up in a sweet hug and kiss him until my lips are numb#all i can do is watch gladiator and yearn!!!#it’s all i can do!!!#my heart yearns and breaks and weeps and mourns and longs and the movie just plays on#BUT I LOVE HIM#I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM#my heart is an ongoing love letter eternally dedicated to him#his kindness and sweetness and gentleness is so dear to me#his strength and power and grit is irresistible#and his face is just hypnotic#i will be swooning and yearning for him ALL MY DAYS#MAXIMUS RIDE UP ON YOUR WHITE HORSE AND MAKE ME YOUR WIFE#I AM BEGGING#all i want to do is be his wife! and share a little cottage with him!#and wake up beside him every morning and fall asleep in his arms every night!#i will NEVER be over him#i’ll be grieving him forever and loving him even longer#ignore my emotional rant everyone#i simply. cannot help myself#gladiator#text posts#maximus#maximus decimus meridius#gladiator 2000#russell crowe
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Y'all are so lucky I'm incompetent at Mac software.
#spotatalk#I say this jokingly#I almost managed to convince myself to become a pngtuber for a second there#but being a mac user and having an incompetent son (i'm sorry Toast but you can't run anything 😔) stopped me just barely#it would've consumed my every waking moment tho and probably would've distracted me from current projects (like my Ichor shimeji lmao)#which would've left me burnt out#for now I'll stick to managable hyperfixations (like New Age and figuring out the Knight refs <3)#(or my stupid wizard game-)
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You know, normally I'm very chill about shipping. Oh people choose to interpret these 2 characters' relationship as romantic? Cool, happens, hey we are just here to have a good time. We need our emotional support ships. It's fun playing with parallels, themes and motifs. Shipping can be just as good and nuanced as serious media analysis.
So then, why do I get the absolute ICK about JayVik? Of course such a close bond will be interpreted as romantic in a fandom place like Tumblr and yet, yet, the mere idea of JayVik as a romantic pairing made me so angry, to the point where I was fuming about them in the middle of office WORK. For a moment I wondered if it was subconscious bias/homophobia, but I've never felt this way towards other mlm/wlw pairings before. So what was the reason???? It's not like I hate Jayce, he's one of the characters I genuinely found to be well-written!
And then it hit me! Viktor is my favorite character and I've always thought of him as both aro-ace and neurodivergent. So to see characterization of him in the fandom completely at odds with my interpretation of him was making me go nuts. It's when you read a fanfic which is horribly OOC and you're filled with such a bad aftertaste because your blorbo would "Never say/do that".
It's specifically Viktor of all characters being shipped in a very amatonormative way that's making me itch so bad. I don't feel the same for other non-hetero ships.
Good to get this off my chest, whew!
#arcane#My rambles#I was worried for a second there lmao#Good now I can sleep in peace#Like#The anger against JayVik was consuming my every waking moment and I was so confused about it#Because I actually like Jayce as a character as well so it didn't make sense why I was so angry with the ship#And then it hit me- I hate that a character who I've found great joy in headcanoning as aro-ace like myself#Was being shipped in a way that erased his nuances#Also#Season 2 of Arcane not having the same level of writing as season 1 and my frustration with the characters and plot didn't help
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so sexy and real of me to read a 1 million word band au in 12 days 🫶🤠
#yes im talking about#cadence of part time poets#i actually dont know what to do with myself now im done#this fic has consumed my every waking moment and i loved every second of it#is this my new favorite fic!?! im thinking so!!#literally every character is so fucking real and fleshed out#dont even get me started on the OCs!!!!!#tomny my true and forever love#tonya!!!!!!!#lottie trish!!#absolutely buzzing for my boys to be on their way to america#incoming break up angst? yes fucking please its gonna FEED ME#anyway im gonna sit in the corner and stare at the wall until pt 2 <3#coptp#em speaks#fic talk
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something i don't see people talking about is the way hyperfixations come in like stages and cycles like it's not just "i'm obsessed with this thing" it's like. euphoria from finding something new and it brings you so much joy and then as that initial dopamine rush wears off you start to get more and more down and feel isolated as you start to realise that no one else cares about it as much as you do and you feel silly for being so into it and the thoughts become repetitive and boring so you get more and more depressed and lonely and then you inevitably lose the hyperfix which leaves you drifting feeling miserable and hopeless until you start the cycle again. idk if i explained this well or if other people will understand but it brings genuine phases of euphoria and straight up depression and this is why i get annoyed when neurotypicals use words like hyperfixation to describe like, an interest. bc it's not. just an interest it becomes who you are and when you lose it it's like losing yourself and you spend so much energy thinking about it that it interrupts your daily life and it's so fucking draining 👍
#like if i see one more nt being like hyperfixation this hyperfixation that SHUT UP!! YOU HAVE AN INTEREST#talk to me when you stay up until 6am every night bc you can't fucking sleep bc ur thinking about it.#talk to me when you can't process emotions in a normal healthy way because you can only relate it back to your hyperfix#paired w madd especially it's IMPOSSIBLE to be normal about shit i swear 2 god because the second i'm upset or lonely it's straight back to#immersing myself in another world and being someone else and not facing my emotions instead letting 'someone else' deal with them#not just negative emotions yk it's anything it's fully immersive to the point i end up not knowing exactly who i am myself bc i'm rarely#myself in my head yk#and it's so isolating#and this is why i get mad when people use these terms lightly bc they don't fucking get it#oh you're hyperfixated? oh you're delusional? you're delulu? watch this#< guy who has delusions that all of his friends secretly hate him bc he's too insane abt xyz media and who feels alone bc no one else is as#into it even though it wouldn't be reasonable to expect them to be#like i'm constantly questioning whether all my friends are secretly against me & finding me annoying anytime i talk about it but it's fine#it's so fucking isolating#i'm not losing my hyperfix yet thank god but i am in the stage of like realisation where the initial euphoria has worn off and i'm like#fuck no one else gets it. no one else is thinking about it like i am. and it's so lonely#< like not to sound like 'i'm 14 and no one gets me' or i'm not like other girls or whatever 😭#it's not me being dramatic i genuinely. know that no one else is spending every waking moment thinking about the things i am the way i do#and it's so incredibly depressing i can't even explain it in a way that will make sense#because i want to talk about it so fucking bad and i can't. even to my friends and gf who always listen i end up feeling annoying#and then i get genuinely delusional not like tiktok girl voice delulu like i genuinely start questioning my entire reality#just if i talk about something a little too much#bc i'm convinced i'm fucking annoying and no one gets it and they're thinking bad things about me#but i know they wouldn't. but it feels like they are#idk#anyways !
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sometimes i look at the fic i have been working on for over a year and just feel deep despair
#it’s 20k#so far#i thought it would be like 5k. maybe 10k max#the first half is maybe 75% done#the second half is maybe 5% done#i am not writing even close to in order so it’s not even like i can post as i go#plus as i write later scenes i wind up having to go back and change earlier scenes to fit#it is ultimately for an audience of me and maybe 3 other people#it haunts my every waking moment#i fear i will die before it is finished#i have only myself to blame
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being forced to listen to and write about podcasts is making me wanna kick and scream and cry this is fucking torture
#I HATEEEEE podcasts#I think bc I’ve only ever listened to them bc of schoolwork#like I’ve never been interested in them#so to have an entire assignment based on listening to them is making me feel like#that wolf tearing off his shirt pic#also I think bc I have three weeks left before I graduate#I really don’t wanna do anything that requires a lot of effort#and the podcast assignment wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have two other insufferable ass assignments from other classes#it’s just. very frustrating and tiring and draining.#I just wanna get everything over with already#I’m feeling very overloaded and unable to relax and I fucking hate it#every waking second I’m thinking about school and it’s so joyless#ugh I’m making myself sad 😔 whatever I’m going to bed 😔#—in store chit chat! 🍫
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i hate having to hang on by a thread every fucking day
#Rasp Rambles#listen i know it gets worse before it gets better but can i stop having horrific days where i have to constantly face suicidal thoughts#can i go one day without wanting to kill myself. thats all i fucking ask for and yet its so difficult for the people i am around daily irl#to not treat me like shit almost every waking second of my life.#suicide mention#vent#ask to tag#i just. i’m not having a good time guys.
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it was kinda tragicomically funny at first but now i'm just plain fucking miserable like at this point im just praying to die in my sleep
#they have me bandaged like a fucking burn victim#the second they see blood they sic security on me#and my friend visits every day if i want and i appreciate it so much but i'm exhausted by all of it#all of it#waking up is a horror unto itself#if they're not going to let me off myself then at least let me do something to cope with the pain#COLOURING BOOKS AND LORAZEPAM ARENT CUTTING IT
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dear google what is the most professional way to request time off for intrusive ideations of not wanting to work anymore
#really dont want to EXIST anymore but yknow apparently that has more consequences#i keep being told that the way i feel isnt permanent and boy howdy do people just mean its possible for it to feel worse !#which is impressive.#i have worked to try and prove myself at this company hand over fist and it doesn't. matter. im still stuck.#and it doesn't! matter! no one cares#no one cares that i have burnt myself out trying to show them im worth their time.#and i cant just leave because i have bills and there's no comparable jobs#i thought it would be somewhere that would see me and my value and it has been the opposite of my experience multiple times over.#i feel kicked and spit on and everyone thinks i should be good with a “thank you though!” like are you kidding me?#you gave a 10k promotion to the other person which could change my life but you want me to be content with being a close second?#im doing twice the projects they're doing but im a close second ????? wgauqgwuavwhwvajwvwjwbjagwuahs#i just. i want to scream and i want to break things and i want to stop thinking about it when im off work and i cant!! i cant!!!#i have to wake up every morning and keep going and pretending like i can handle this#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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desperately trying not to have a panic attack about university hehehe
#literally the only thing i'm supposed to do is study#am i doing it? nope of course. i have less than a month left to take exams and i should take at least 2 but i haven't opened a book in more#than a month and the thought fills me with dread and i literally physically cannot do it#it's possible that going back to my uni flat would help (it would be a change in scenery for sure) but on wednesday it will be a year since#my father died and there's this fucking church thing and my mother won't force me to stay but i really should. shouldn't i?#after all it's already saturday and i've already wasted 40 days. what's half a week more?#i keep staring at the list of exams and i know that if i spent every waking second studying i could get back on track and graduate when i'm#supposed to graduate but 1. it's not healthy and 2. my brain refuses to study for ONE exam let alone 14 so it's unrealistic#and at this point i should just accept that i'm going to graduate one year late and one year after all my friends because last year i did#absolutely nothing. and last autumn started out great. i moved. i was organised. and then the first week of october my mother was at the#hospital and i had to go home for a week and somehow i let that week screw up my entire semester#and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to#study but it's not going to get better if i just let all the days pass without doing anything but i can't i can't i can't#so yeah i should be kind to myself and accept i'll need one additional year for all the exams and take it slowly which is the only way to#actually get things done. but i don't want to. i don't want to tell my mother that i failed at the one thing i'm supposed to be doing#but i really really can't it's hard and i'm failing and my head is screaming that i don't deserve hobbies and yet i keep wasting my days#it's one am and i should either sleep or relax because it's not like i can do anything now and yet i feel like i need to fix my entire life#right this second or i'll explode. i'm so tired of my thoughts.#please ignore all this ^ because i know most of it is irrational or whatever and i DON'T WANT to hear rational things#if you've read until here and really want to say something just tell me that right now i'm allowed to relax#any other comment would make me feel worse#💖💖💖#**one month left to take exams this semester not forever hahaha but then i'd be supposed to take all the remaining exams in the summer#and i can't possibly take 14 exams between now and july which is why i'm panicking (there are other logistically confusing things in what i#said but i wanted to clear this one up at least lmao) (i'm already feeling vaguely better can't you see?)
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Looking to order a new plushie in honor of my birthday today
#obviously the plush wont be here in time cause again my birthday is literally right now right this second#but this is a gift I wanna get myself#especially because Im sad today. its been a very mid bday#my fam took me out to lunch but my sis took part of my food cause we always trade some#but it ended up being half ofmy portion so I didn't get to eat a lot of the main course#amd other than that I've done literally everything else I do daily today#like I went to look around the nearby mall which Im at literally every day cause its close to work/is my bus stop#and then went home after an hour because I've already seen literally everything there#and now I get to sit at home on the corner of my bed on my phone. ir maybe draw on my pc#like I do every day of my life#amd Im sure some people will be like “why didn't you do smth different” couldn't because I have tp bus everywhere#amd nobody wanted to wake up or get dressed to go out until 2#then we went to eat. amd by the time we were done it was 4#so too late to travel by bus anywhere interesting cause it'd take an hour n a half/2 hours to arrive at wherever#caus by time we get there we gotta get the bus in an hour or 2 before it stops running for the day#and maybe I should just be grateful fpr a normal day and that I got to spend it with family#but my family sucks but I am appreciative#but this is a milestone birthday#idk if it's selfish t want a little more than the norm or not because of it. my mind is leaning towards yes#but anyways. plushies#idk whatIm getting yet#I want something colorful I think#I'll show pics when I choose/order#viti shoosh
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#tw suicide#tw sui ideation#tw abuse#I have to be real right now and say that I absolutely cannot tolerate my existence much longer#I was told today by my grandpa that not only does he think I’m becoming like my mom(who is severely abusive and an addict) but also that my#aunt and uncle said the same thing#he even brought up a terrible story from years and years ago of my mom ruining a family gathering as a follow up just to compare me#even more#I can’t even express how excruciating that feels when I spend every waking day alone in my house doing every possible thing to#better my mental health so for my own family..that hardly ever intervened in the first place when I was being abused to say this is such a#low blow and so incredibly ignorant#I feel so emotionally unsafe#the only family member I consistently have contact with now is someone I don’t trust#I don’t even have friends to talk to because most of them have left my life within the past few months#I feel incredibly alone in my feelings and thoughts and I can’t stand to be in the same room as myself#I’m having a mental health team come out to evaluate me for the second time today 💀#i’m so exhausted#personal
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guys they actually gave me cotton, cloth AND headphones (not noise-cancelling), it all did jack shit bc it was still loud but i appreciated the effort 🤍
#it kind of worked as a placebo as an at least they tried kind of way <3#i also fell asleep so there's that 😭#i would wake up every time the noise changed and then fall right back asleep 10 seconds later#me and my mom are laughing at myself btw bc who the fuck sleeps through an mri for an hour
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