#but like something about the interactions. and seeing myself during that time. just hit really really really hard.

[yourlocalsewerdragon]

revisiting this site every now and then to reminisce in how much it shaped me as a person and defined me as a literal child

[speakergame]

Progress Update - 3/4/24

Hello and happy March!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? 😅 Well, I finally have some good news for you this time: I have some actual news!

I'm happy to be able to announce at last that an update is on its way! I’ve still got some assets to make and code cleanup and testing to finish, but I should finally have something to show you soon.

I’ll put a cut at the end of this and go into more detail about the what and why of what I’ve been working on during this long and unintended hiatus, but the tl;dr is that I hope to have an update out by the end of the month, and that said update will break any saves made in Chapter 4. Unfortunate, but unavoidable, since Chapter 4 had to be recoded from the beginning 😞

I just want to thank all of you once again for sticking with me through my extended silence! Especially to my patrons who’ve put up with me putting everything on pause month after month while I dealt with my real life shit, and to everyone who’s sent me kind and supportive messages to let me know Speaker hasn’t been forgotten. It really means a lot to me.

Okay, enough of that sappy shit! I’m gonna get back to work finishing this up 😁 I’ll put out another update later this month once I have a more definite release date.

Thank you all for reading! I hope you’re having a fantastic 2024 so far, and that the rest of the week treats you kindly. See y’all soon! 💙💙💙

(For those who want a more detailed breakdown on what’s been happening and what to expect, hit the readmore)

I won’t go into the personal life stuff I’ve been dealing with this past year that has slowed down my work, but as far as the actual game goes: 

To put it simply, I just wasn’t happy with it. Some of it could be because of how many times I had to reread the same section while I was coding the scenes that would’ve taken place after the last update, but no matter how much I edited or rearranged it, I didn’t like how that scene turned out. There was something… formulaic that had been happening with the way I always laid out scenes, and a bit of stagnation in the story, character, and relationship development that bothered me.

So I rewrote it. And when I still didn’t like it, I rewrote it again. And I still didn’t like it. I thought about scrapping the whole thing on more than one occasion as I struggled to get out of the corner I’d written myself into.

Inspiration finally struck at the beginning of this year, thanks in part to another interactive novel I follow, and I really like the direction I’ve taken it now. 

Instead of the RO split scenes happening where the last one left off, Speaker, Seer, and Gavin are gonna have a chat about Things™ to move the next story arc forward. Then Speaker will get some downtime, by themself at first and then in an extended scene split with the RO of their choosing. 

All the Big Plot Things that were going to happen in Chapter 4 will be moved to Chapter 5 instead, and 4 will be a bit more of a filler episode. A deep breath before the plunge, as it were.

This split won’t just be a quick conversation/reaction from the RO, but a full on different direction for the rest of the chapter based on who you choose. Most of them will involve leaving the house; all of them will involve actual one-on-one time (or one-on-two time, as the case may be) away from the others. And though romance isn’t required, all of them will have the potential to really move the romance forward if you so choose. One or two might even have a lock-in choice (maybe. I’m not 100 percent on that, so don’t hold me to it) 

These scenes won’t be in the next update, because they’re all very complex, but the update will definitely have the Seer chat and at least some of the by-yourself stuff. The update after will have the rest of the alone time stuff (including the clothes/body CC you’ve all been waiting for), and then the one after will start the RO scenes. I think.

I may actually split the RO scenes into separate updates, and let my darlings over at Patreon vote for the order they’re released. That way I can focus on one at a time instead of trying to split my attention six ways at once.

Okay, that’s enough rambling for me today. Time to get back to work! Still got a lot to get done before this is ready, but it’s so close now.

[weirdsht]

What if Cale Henituse had someone special during his time as Kim Rok Soo? Although they were never officially a couple, it was clear to everyone that their relationship went beyond mere friendship. Slowly but surely, KRS grew more comfortable and at ease around this person until they were killed. Brutally (lmaaooo I'm sorryy HAHAHWHAHW). Later, they reunite in his life as Cale Henituse, but reader has changed significantly because, like KRS, they too have been transmigrated. Their life has been deeply affected and troubled by their own close relatives, unlike Cale, who, despite some hesitation from his family, at least had the comfort of a family that cares about his safety and well-being overall. (Dyk Roxanna from TWTPTFLOB? Basically her family. If you don't know, basically her family is torturous to have. I think normal ppl would die if they suddenly transmigrated as a part of Roxanna's family because they're the definition of insanity)

I'm sorry if this is too much, feel free to scroll past 🤧💌

Our Fragile Promise in Magnolia - Cale/Reader

notes: Yes the title is a bunch of Laufey song titles. Shameless plugin but my fics Close and Can I Really have similar concepts to this one

tags: female reader, novel spoilers (war), angst? not sure, very loud unspoken feelings

English isn’t my first language so there will be grammatical errors

Pls don't repost my work anywhere without my permission

Constructive criticisms and any kind of interaction are more than welcome

Requests are open and welcome

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_____ stares at a male figure’s back. She’s used to looking at it. At finding comfort in it. How can she not? His back always seems so big. So strong. As if it’s capable of shielding her from everything.

However, this time that back looks smaller than how she remembers it.

And _____ is the reason for that.

“_____ don’t you dare close your eyes, don’t you dare fall asleep on me”

“Wake up! Just why did I get cursed with such an airhead child…”

The woman in front of the girl daydreaming speaks exasperatedly, bringing her back to reality.

It reminds _____ of who she currently is. How she’s not on earth fighting monsters anymore. How she has been granted another life.

Another life, another suffering.

“Follow me, the meeting is starting.”

The woman, _____’s mother, looked behind her to see if her daughter was still following.

“If you utter one word that causes our family disgrace you know what will happen to you. Won’t you, my dear?”

_____, who’s currently 20 years old in this life, is both used to and tired of the sickeningly sweet smile on her mother’s face.

“Yes, mother.”

She internally laughs but says nothing outwardly. Just how scared is her mother from the announcement of war that she dared talk to her like that? 

It reminded her of when she was a child.

A time before she rose to power within that useless family of hers.

“Your name is _____?”

“Why? Do you have any problem with it?”

“No, it suits you.”

The woman was taken aback by the nonchalant compliment. The man in front of her has said it as if it didn’t mean much. No, for him it probably really didn’t mean anything. 

But it meant the world to _____.

It was the first time she had received a compliment. And for something as insignificant as the name she gave herself.

‘Thanks, I gave it to myself since no one was willing to name me’

Were the words she held back from saying, not wanting to ruin the moment.

_____ never would have thought that she would become best friends with that very same man.

Clang!

The young woman watched as the silver plaque hit the table. The noise it made snapped the young woman out of her daydream.

She looked at the silver plaque and saw the crest of the royal family on it.

It’s easy to understand what it means.

Cale Henituse, the one famous as the young master silver shield, is now officially the Roan Kingdom’s Northeast Commander.

Not that _____ had any issues with it. She has heard about the famous young master. He may be young but he has the qualifications. Plus who is she to question the crown’s decisions?

If the crown has decided that Cale as commander is what the kingdom needs to defend itself against the Indomitable Alliance then so must be it.

However, not once has _____ looked at the famous redhead. Hence why when he started speaking again the young noble took it as a chance to take a good look.

The first thing that caught her attention was his long red hair. It was the same shade as blood. As if he was a vampire that drank so much blood it turned his hair into one.

But it wasn’t a gruesome sight. Quite the opposite actually. _____ finds his hair to be very pretty. It reminds her of a beautiful flame that’s forever ignited. Always strong and never extinguishing despite the strong winds that come its way.

“Kim Rok Soo..?”

As soon as _____ saw the commander’s eyes her world stopped. She knows those eyes very well. Has stared at them countless times for her to not know.

It couldn’t be.

Maybe they just have the same eye colour.

Kim Rok Soo’s reddish brown eyes might be rare back in her old world but nothing is impossible in this new one.

So it can’t be.

However, she can’t deny it.

She can’t deny that the way he lands his gaze is the same as him. The sorrow that is buried deep within those copper-like eyes is the same.

The way he stared at her knowingly was the same.

But she still tries.

She tries her best to deny it.

To deny him.

Because it can’t be. That can’t be him. That can’t be her best friend slash love of her life.

It’s just not possible.

And if it was then she must avoid him as much as possible. 

For she has changed. And she is well aware of the fact that she has changed. She may have the same face and the same name, but she has become all too different.

She doesn’t want her love to see the new version of her.

 Two people sat on the ground. Their back leaning against the sofa behind them. It’s a rare day when the two of them have a day off so they have decided to spend it by reading novels together.

“If you try to say another spoiler I’m going to seal your mouth shut.”

“But you have to listen to this!”

The woman tries to argue while tapping on a page of the book she’s currently reading.

“I’ll find out about it when I read it.”

“But I want to talk about it now!”

Kim Rok Soo shook his head at her. As if he couldn’t believe this was the same fierce person fighting monsters on the battlefield.

“Then wait.”

_____ internally smiled at the memory. She feels that familiar warmth in her chest she hadn’t felt for so long. As she did, she thought that it was a good idea to avoid Cale Henituse. She’s not sure if they’re the same person. And if they were she doesn’t know if he remembers her.

But it’s better to be on the safe side.

After all, it’d be embarrassing to see such a lively person turn into a shell of what they used to be.

“Just how long do I have to put up with this?”

_____ mumbled to herself as she picked at her food.

“Did you say something dear?”

“Nothing mother.”

She reciprocated her mother’s smile. After years of socializing with this family, she has learned to smile and bear it all. Things will become more complicated if she tries to refute.

“Where’s the antidote? Mix it in my usual juice.”

_____ orders her maid after lunch. The maid bowed and followed her orders like clockwork.

After all, this wasn’t the first time the young lady had been poisoned by her own family.

They see her as both a threat and an asset.

They try to bring her down, make themself look superior. But at the same time, they know that they need her.

It’s comedic. Really.

“My lady a letter has arrived.”

_____’s trusted maid hands her a tray that contains a glass of juice and a letter.

“That seal… It looks like it’s from the Henituse family.”

The young lady waved her hand away and the maid went out of the room.

Badump. Badump.

Her heart beats wildly in her chest and it’s not just because of the poison she consumed.

It’s not uncommon to receive letters from the guardians of the Dark Forest. They are business partners after all.

However _____ couldn’t help but feel nervous after the recent events.

Quickly drinking her juice that contains the antidote in one go, the transmigrator pulls the courage to open the letter.

“You have a very peculiar way of writing. I think I’d be able to recognize it anywhere.”

_____ hovered over Kim Rok Soo as he wrote something on a piece of paper.

“I would say you’re exaggerating but knowing you two, I wouldn’t put it past you.”

Choi Jung Soo spoke up from the couch while eating some sort of junk food.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Rok Soo retaliates. His hands let go of the pencil in order to focus on his sworn brother.

“Nothing, nothing. I’m just saying. But hey, is that any way to speak to your hyung?”

“Again why are you the hyung? We were born on the same day”

“I was born first!”

True to what _____ said, she immediately recognized the handwriting on the letter. Its contents were concise, exactly how he likes to do things. 

“He did his homework.”

The letter just said that the commander wanted to have a private meeting with _____ in order to talk about the upcoming war. The young noble instantly understands that he must want to talk about her territory’s military force.

She may not have an official title. She isn’t even declared as an official heir. Yet insiders, those who have a wide information network, will know that _____ is the one in control of her territory. 

_____ doesn’t want to respond. But she has to. He wasn’t speaking as Cale Henituse or Kim Rok Soo. 

He was speaking as Roan Kingdom’s Northeast Commander.

He was standing on business.

For he probably knows that’s the only way _____ wouldn’t avoid him.

Kim Rok Soo holds on the bleeding body in his arms. 

Bleeding is an understatement.

The left side of her torso is gone. Eaten by the monster they are fighting.

“H ey, do you re member… remember our pro mise?”

A weak voice asks him. Kim Rok Soo nodded his head, too choked up to speak.

He does. Of course, he does. How can he forget?

He’ll record everything she says, no matter how trivial they are.

“Great… Th en  I guess– I guess I can rest in pe ace.”

Kim Rok Soo doesn’t want that. He doesn’t need that.

“Don’t close your eyes. Please hold on. For me, for us. Please _____”

He begs. It’s so uncharacteristically of him to beg, but if it does the trick then he’ll do it a million times over.

_____ weakly chuckled. She may be weak and dying but there’s still fire in her eyes. A fire that will never be extinguished even in the face of death.

… or so Cale thought.

The fire that he thought would never die down is barely there in her eyes.

But it was still there.

It may be small. Struggling. But it’s there.

Alive and fighting to be as bright as it was before.

“_____…”

“Our business is now done, Commander Cale Henituse. If you have further business in the future please feel free to send me a letter like before.”

“_____.“

The young lady’s voice was firm, but Cale’s voice was firmer. He has no plans of letting her run away again.

He wouldn’t be able to let her slip from his embrace once more.

“Isn’t that concept sweet though?”

The two best friends are talking. They just finished a novel and are now discussing its contents with each other.

“You’re just a romantic.”

“But think about it. Promising to find each other even in another universe. Being together in every dimension…”

_____ stopped talking, lost in thought as she reminisced about the novel. Kim Rok Soo took it as a chance to stare at her face.

He has seen many people. Has read many descriptions of beautiful people in books.

But in his opinion, nothing beats _____’s looks.

Kim Rok Soo might be biased. His willing to admit that much. But his opinion won’t change.

“Hey Rok Soo?”

“What do you want?”

He grumbled as he suddenly came face to face with his “best friend”. Her face was full of excitement as she thought of a new idea.

“Let’s promise each other that in our next life, we’ll find each other again. Then let’s spill all of our secrets when we do. Not leaving anything out.”

Her idea sounds childish. Would they even remember anything in their next life? Would they even have a next life? If they did would they recognize each other?

Those were the thoughts that raced through Kim Rok Soo.

However, he doesn’t say it.

Because it was a silent confession. The best one they can give each other in this ruined world.

A promise to spill all their secrets huh?

It doesn’t need saying. Those secrets were probably talking about their feelings.

“Sure, I promise. We’ll meet again in our next life and tell each other everything.”

“_____”

Cale called out for the third time. _____ has changed and Cale has an inkling as to what brought that change.

Nothing he can’t handle.

His planning to overthrow an empire. Dealing with a noble family is nothing.

He’ll make things right.

Set things straight.

“I never break my promises. You know that _____.”

Cale– no Kim Rok Soo will make sure to fulfil his promise.

[kitspindles]

I’m in no way bashing on people who have already finished TSatS and say they hate it, are disappointed, etc., because I myself have not gone past chapter seven. My friend let me read some today, but I won’t have my own copy until Thursday, so maybe my opinions will change. I will say, however, that if you read 400+ pages in less than a day, maybe give yourself some time to process the entire plot first?

In any case, I can’t help but wonder how many people went into this book expecting one version of Nico and Will, only to be hit with something else entirely. And I mean like... expecting the fandom’s versions of these two, rather than what canon has previously shown us up until this book.

It’s my personal opinion that the PJO fandom’s worse enemy is their own mischaracterization of the characters at times. And I don’t mean like little head canons and stuff. Everyone has done those at some point. There’s usually no harm in those. I’m talking about people who created their own versions of Nico and Will and have been running with these visions for years through different fan fictions and what-not online.

For years we’ve known basically nothing about Will aside from the fact that he’s sarcastic, likes Star Wars, his mom is a country singer, he can glow in the dark, and he’s better at healing than fighting. (And he has questionable fashion choice at times). Like, that’s all we’ve had since his initial introduction in The Last Olympian over a decade ago. Everything else? Online and fan speculation. And again, there is nothing wrong with that! I just feel like a lot of people went into this book holding onto their own pre-conceived visions of what Will Solace was and ended up disappointed the authors made him... different? But not really different, because he didn’t have a lot of in-depth personality or backstory before this.

Me personally? Yeah, I’m not that far into the book yet but I’m loving how Will is portrayed so far. He’s still sarcastic, but he’s shown his fair share of level-headedness as well as frustrations just within the first couple chapters. He is in no way the overly-optimistic sunshine-y boy who only exists to help Nico that the fandom has portrayed him to be all these years. His character arc is already headed in a way deeper direction (more on that when I finish the book). The whole bit where Will had coffee spilled on him and spent the next couple paragraphs in the scene trying to be unbothered while actually giving off “This is fine” fire dog energies? I loved that.

As for Nico, can I just say I adore how he’s written in this book? Aside from his PoV in Blood of Olympus, this is the first time he’s had his own narration. And it’s actually about him and more in-depth than previous times. I’ve heard people say that he’s “out of character,” and while I can see a little of what they’re all saying, I just want to know... what version of Nico have you all been reading? Did I miss something?

Up until this book, what exactly did we know about Nico? That he’s displaced in time, his sister and mother are both dead (and he feels alone), he harbored repressed gay feelings from his upbringing as a Catholic guy in 1940s Italy, and he’s been through the ringer more than once (so, trauma, basically). Oh, and he’s a bit of a nerd (Mythomagic and knowing all kinds of ancient creatures). That’s... about it. Everything has been speculation and projection from fans.

In previous books he’s always been portrayed from first- or third-person point of view (usually from people who don’t know him well and just think he’s “creepy”), leading to the idea that he’s distant and low-empathy based on some interactions he’s had with demigods who weren’t thrilled to be around him, during a time of great pressure. But he’s not exactly uncaring. He’s been shown to care a lot, actually (Bianca, Hestia, Bob, everything he’s done for Percy, his friendship with Reyna, Hazel, etc.)

But what about when he was ten? He was an excitable, curious kid who liked to have fun. And what did we see briefly in Trials of Apollo (before Jason died, at least)? We saw some of that energy return, particularly in The Hidden Oracle.

So, yeah, I’m personally thrilled to see him making cringe-y jokes and have some self-deprecating humor. It’s very “#OnBrand” for a traumatized teenager who’s just trying to cope and live life without any godly wars forcing him this way and that. Can we really say it’s “out of character” if we’ve never seen more than one side of Nico? (The under pressure side, from other character’s PoVs, in books not about him where he’s basically been a side character?) I’m just glad to see him cracking jokes, laughing, and acting more like a normal kid.

Now, is this book different from Rick’s other ones? Uh, yeah. I won’t say it’s not. But it’s not bad. It’s supposed to be different. It has slightly different intentions than the other books (re: explicitly working through trauma and relationship bumps). Also, it’s co-written. Co-written books always read slightly off from the original author’s work, but dam if it isn’t hard to meld writing styles and copy another author’s particular voice. But I think Mark did a very good job at imitating Rick’s style (again, from what I’ve read so far).

Will I change my mind on all this the farther I get into the book? Maybe. There’s a lot to read and take in. All I’m saying is don’t let the negative reviews warp your opinion of the book if you haven’t read it yet and are on the fence if you should or not. Wait for the PDF to drop, or for a library copy, and read and see for yourself.

[shalomniscient]

wing kjsr anon here!!

its pretty uncertain if she can fly or not. i hc that she did know the basics but after being fostered by kujou, she slowly forgot. since it is canon that she never really connected with her tengu side after being adopted.

another reason why i think there is a chance she might have known to fly is that in her friendship lv.6 story where she gets her vision.

"Though she had the strength of the tengu, she was still young and could not stand against the monsters alone, and was hurled from a cliff during the battle, her wings having been damaged prior.

Plummeting from the heights, and unable to unfurl her injured wings, she seemed fated to fall to her death."

like i think its hinted that she could have been able to fly and not fall if her wings weren't injured. i could be reading too much into it!

if she ever do gets a hangout quest, i hope we see her connect with her tengu side. maybe even visit that mountain she originally lived in. like we barely get any crumbs regarding her, even gorou got more than her 😭😭

i dont play genshin anymore and wasn't really an active player but omg i think a lot we got to lrarn about her was from her teapot interactions and the character stories.

shes so forgotten and mischaracterized that everytime i see people write her as mean and cold, i need to take a deep breath and take a walk 😞😞

i wish people started to actually learn her character than just call her a raiden simp. also bit off topic but i really hated how the inazuma archon quest ended. it pisses me off how they build so much tension just to end it like that..

signora's death was not needed imo, we barely got to even learn more about her character. and all we got about her past from were literal artifacts. and like the tension like the political complexities that happened at the time, the way we saw how people were affected after they got their vision taken away..like it was all soo well written in the beginning and then it just ended like that. inazuma was what got me into the game after liyue but also after inazuma, no quest really hit hard like how the quest where we get to see how inazuma was during the vision hunt decree.

like they wasted sm time on an npc that i could not bring myself to care about!! like i did not gaf during his death scene 😭😭 even yoimiyas quest was wasted on npcs if i remember correctly.

ok i think i rambled bit too much, but i stand by kjsr deserving more crumbs 💯💯

yeah, sara flying is a very grey lore area. i think at the very least we can assume she has the capacity to glide... god she makes me so emotionally unwell i need to give her so many comfort kisses shdlfjsdf also i agree somewhat with your view on the inazuma questline. i think the introductory patches like 2.0 and 2.1 were alright in building up to the war and establishing the weight of it, and how the sakoku decree has affected people from ritou to inazuma city to eventually watatsumi, and how neither citizen nor foreigner is spared. however, hoyo fumbled their landing so immensely to me. most criminally i think was there wasn't really any exploration of the fallout of the war and the decree. kokomi's story quest outlined the peace treaty between the shogunate and watatsumi, but that's literally it. why couldn't hoyo have included even a world quest or something about regular people trying to bounce back post war? surely inazuma's economy and technology has suffered ever since the decree was established. but no, there's not a single hint of information as to how these issues were resolved. it makes the war feel like it wasn't that big of a deal at all, since people seemed to have moved on pretty much immediately. it's a waste of incredibly rich story potential and as someone who does occasionally partake in writing, it genuinely hurts to see something miss the mark so horrendously.

as for teppei, i didn't feel any attachment to him at all, even when he died. honestly, i was more annoyed by him than anything. throughout the entire quest he was a part of, from when we meet him to when he dies, he maintains this cheery, naive energy to him. and again, hoyo's missed potential strikes again, because they could have written a bright-eyed character eager to partake in all the 'glory' of war coming to learn that in truth, there is no glory in war at all, only misery and suffering. that would've made a more compelling story, to me, instead of what we got. honestly, i was more attached to kazari then teppei, and she's a world quest character who doesn't say a single word. and onto signora... i will be crucified for this but to be truthful, i was never that attached to signora. yes she was very attractive when kicking venti in the guts but beyond that... she never stood out to me. i started actively disliking signora when she fucked sara up so badly we walk into tenshukaku and see her barely alive on the floor. after i saw that it was case closed for signora in my book lmao, if the shogun hadn't offed her EYE would've hsdlfjdhfljdf i fear signora will never find my forgiveness for that crime (not that it matters since she's-- *GUNSHOTS*)

anyway. one last thing about inazuma story quest before i go that has always bugged me immensely. the whole war between watatsumi and the shogunate... it's a complete farce when you think about it. there's genuinely no way the rebellion could have ever hoped to succeed if the traveler didn't show up. and i know that sounds obvious, but listen: the rebellion only exists because the shogun permits it to. realistically, if she so desired, the shogun could have sunk watatsumi in one blow. she may no longer have her gnosis in her possession, but a god is a god, and watatsumi is a godless land. i think the shogun would have been completely content turning the war into a battle of attrition, and in that sense, she has already won from the start. after all, who could possibly outlast eternity? this set the grounds for some absolutely crazy politicking and scheming that i would have absolutely LOVED to see... but we all know how the story quest ended up being so :/

[kittyoverlord]

Queer Converts at Chabad?

It's more likely than you think.

I'm putting this together because as someone whose practice tends more "traditional" (for lack of a better term), and someone who is very obviously Queer, I have found myself relying on Chabad every now and again, and have some tips for how to interact with the organization with minimal stress. Hope this helps someone.

For those who don't know, Chabad is the "missionary"* branch of Chasidic Judaism, an ultra-Orthadox Jewish community which holds some of the most bigoted beliefs you'll find in Judaism. At the same time, Chabadniks are some of the nicest people that you'll ever meet.

My first experience with Chabad, I had just started learning about Judaism in college and had very little context about the wider Jewish community. During Sukkot I happened upon the local Chabad's sukkah in the middle of campus, and decided to pop in. They were holding a learning session about the meaning of the Lulav, and through a line of questioning I learned for the first time about Family Purity (Nidah) laws, and I piped up, "What if you're gay?" To which the Chabad Rabbi kinda stumbled over his words and said, "Well, simply put, you can't be gay." or something to that affect. I said, "Oh, ok." very calmly, realizing what I had walked into, thanked him for the Pizza, and respectfully left.

I've also had some good experiences with Chabad. There's a local Jewish festival in my town every year, and the last time I went I visited both of the Chabad booths (one for the university, and one for the general town). I can't remember which, but one Rabbi wrapped tefillin for me, while the other Rabbi only offered to the cis men who walked up after me. I found myself surprised, but glad to fulfill the mitzvah, and we had a brief conversation about Jewish practice and being true to oneself. His words were very measured, but were neutral, not antagonistic.

This is just to give you a bit of context of what you may deal with at a Chabad house.

Today, on the last(ish) day of Sukkot, I needed to go shake a Lulav and eat in a Sukkah. I couldn't build my own Sukkah this year due to my health, and had also been unable to plan ahead to register for any local events. As someone who has struggled to connect with my local Jewish community becuase it's very spread out vs. where I converted, I don't have any connections with local Jews who may have their own Sukkahs. Hence, I turned to the last possibility, the everpresent Chabad.

I googled around and found the closest Chabad house, found an email form, and sent a quick email inquiring about stopping by to use the Sukkah. I also had a back-up house closer to the liberal bubble I grew up in where Chabadniks are more likely to keep their homophobia on the DL, but I couldn't find an email for them, so I was gonna call the next morning. However, I received an email respose right away and quickly was able to set up a time for me to visit their Sukkah.

Fast forward to today. The Rabbi was very pleasant and I was able to observe the mitzvot of the lulav and dwelling in the Sukkah, so mission accomplished. I had planned on what to say regarding my queerness - "Yeah, I live around here, I just tend not to fit in to many local congregations." which went fine. What I was not anticipating was the very pointed questions to determine how Jewish I was.

I had been thinking about what I would say about this after seeing this post from @vaspider. So I hit him with the "I started practicing in college where the Jewish community was really close together." We walked around it for a bit but he was practiced and ended up eventually hitting me with the "Are your parents Jewish?" then asked me where I converted. While I have little love for Chabad, I didn't feel comfortable lying to him, so I let him know that I converted with the conservative shul where I lived at the time.

The reason he was asking me such pointed questions is because he was trying to determine how much effort it would take to work me into the Chassidic community. If I were born Jewish, he would just need to convince me to strengthen my traditional practice and be a nice heterosexual woman. As a convert in another denomination**, he would need me to convert again with a Chasidic Rabbi before I could be fully incorporated into his shul.

Luckily, I was somewhat prepared for this possibility, so I wasn't taken totally by surprise. And I didn't really feel insulted - I know he subscribes to a very specific idea of the world that is fueling his actions.

I was also very consious to not offer my hand to shake, and he didn't offer his. A lot of Orthodox people observe a practice of not touching people of the "opposite" sex, and I didn't want to extend my hand only for him to refuse it. I wasn't trying to be stealth, but have a full beard, and wasn't sure where he would land on that.

At least after all of that he still had me shake the Lulav and gave me some noodle kugel to eat in the Sukkah. That's all that I wanted.

TLDR: Chabad has the reputation it does for a reason, but if you go in with a very specific purpose and knowing what to expect, they can be a valuable resource. They want you to fulfill the mitvot, so if you can put up with a bit of awkwardness and proseltyzing, it may be worth it to you. Of course, it may not be, this is just to provide some info for other Queer Disabled Jews who find themselves in need of a Jewish space in a pinch.

Edit: I told my Rabbi (who hates Chabad) about this and basically summed it up as, "I feel like a carry a little of your spirit every time I interact with Chabad, because I think I'm fueled out of spite. Like, 'I'm going to fulfill these mitzvot, even if you don't want me to.'" and he loved that. My Rabbi is the best.

If spite is what gets you there, use what works lol.

*I'm calling them missionaries because that's the closest term I could think of, however their goal is not to make non-Jewish people Jewish (that's prohibited), their goal is to make already Jewish people more Orthodox. Not that they'd turn away someone trying to convert.

**Jewish groups that vary by practice are more commonly referred to as "movements" as at the end of the day a Jew is a Jew so even different movements will respect eachother, but of course there's always exceptions and I just didn't want to use the word "movement" over and over again, so denomination seemed like a sufficient synonym.

[d1xonss]

Desert Rose

Chapter 5 ~ Decisions

✧ Pairing : Daryl Dixon x Rose

✧ Era : Season 1

✧ Word Count : 4k

In this chapter ~ After the camp was attacked by a large group of walkers, the next day didn't seem to be any easier. Every member was forced to clear out all the dead bodies that surrounded the space, before finding out the devastating news that someone had been bit during all the chaos the night before. But, Rick seemed to have a plan. One that would make or break everything.

The night was long and dreadful as I didn't get a wink of sleep, none at all. I couldn't stop thinking about the amount of tragedy and death that came haunting the camp, seemingly out of the blue. How an innocent life was taken, I found I was affected greater than I ever thought I could be. I hardly knew her, yet the scene was just as heartbreaking. All this thinking was making my headache grow, but I couldn't do anything about it other than push through the pain. Though not even that stopped my spiraling thoughts. Isolating myself from others for the longest time made me somewhat forget what it was like to lose them. But the reminder, I learned was harsh and bitter.

The group didn't waste any time as we collectively started to clean up the walker bodies in complete silence as the sun came up into a new day. I was working efficiently, taking my knife to stab through their skulls to ensure they were dead, before carrying them toward the giant pile we had made. Though it didn't sound like much, the action mixed with the beating sun only made the task more exhausting than I anticipated. But it wasn't long before a familiar face came by to help me.

The rugged man appeared beside me to follow my lead, a pickaxe as his weapon of choice, bringing it down aggressively on every other body that I missed. He didn't say a word to me as we worked side by side, though nodded politely my way in greeting the moment he caught my eye. His actions threw me off, but I wasn't about to complain. If I was being honest I kind of liked that he didn't talk much because I didn't either, and I wasn't really in the mood to have an awkward conversation right about now. Unlike the discussion I overheard from just a few feet behind me, looking up as I caught onto their voices.

"She's just been sitting there all night," Lori said, looking towards Andrea who was still holding Amy close to her, numb to the world around her as nothing else seemed to matter.

"Did she get any sleep?" Shane asked.

"Would you?" Rick countered back, his worry only increasing the longer he stared at her, "I'll go talk to her." he offered.

I followed him with my eyes as he slowly approached her with the intention to not only try and talk to her, but gently break the news that we would have to move Amy one way or another. She still hadn't turned, but it was only a matter of time before she did, leaving the others worried that she would attack Andrea if we didn't put her down soon. In my mind I thought we should just leave her the hell alone. She needed to mourn the death that had hit her so suddenly. It was far from anyone else's business.

But the moment she heard Rick walking closer from behind, she didn't hesitate to pull out her gun and aim it right at his head before he could take another step. My body tensed a little when I watched how escalated the interaction became, the look in her eyes made me question if she was actually going to do it.

"I know how safety works." she snapped.

Rick simply raised his hands in surrender, not saying a word as he backed off slowly. She then hesitantly lowered the weapon and turned around back to her sister, instant tears streaming down her face once more. I couldn't take my eyes off of her for a moment as I felt the sorrow and guilt resurface, my eyes stinging slightly the longer I let my mind linger. But I quickly pulled myself together. The last thing I needed was these people seeing me emotional, especially over something that I couldn't control.

"Ya alright?" a voice spoke from beside me.

I turned to see Daryl looking at me with an expression on his face that I couldn't quite read. This man confused me, going back and forth between his cold and distant behavior to then speaking to me with gentleness, truly never knowing his next move. And it was especially frustrating when I couldn't tell what he was thinking. What his intention was whenever he opened his mouth. It annoyed me slightly.

"I'm fine." I brushed off, looking back down as I crouched low to stab another corpse in the head.

A few moments of silence passed as I felt him staring at me, before he questioned me again, "Ya sure? Looks like...Ed beat ya pretty bad." he said, his voice dropping drastically.

I sighed, "Really, it's nothing. Just a few scrapes and a busted head, I'm sure I'll live to see another day."

He scoffed at my sarcasm, "Ya shouldn't be out here workin in the heat if ya have a concussion." 

I shrugged, "I want to help..." I said simply.

He studied me for another moment or two before slowly nodding in understanding, chewing on his bottom lip in thought. I only needed to know the man for a few seconds to know that if he was the one with a head injury, he would be right out here in the heat helping as well. Which is why I assumed he kept his mouth shut in the first place.

After the unnecessary distraction, I continued scoping around for any other bodies that I'd missed, stopping dead in my tracks when my eyes landed on one corpse in particular. At first it was hard to decipher through all the blood covering the entirety of his face, but his beaten state almost instantly gave him away. It was Ed. The sight threw me off for a second and a part of me wanted to laugh at the karma that slapped him in the face, but a quiet voice coming from the other side of me made me stop myself.

"Let me do it." Carol pleaded, in a voice barely above a whisper.

I turned to look at her with a softened expression and I almost declined without a second thought. She didn't have to do this; she shouldn't have to do this.

She saw I was about to protest and quickly shook her head, "Please...he's my husband."

I slowly nodded seeing her persistence, slightly backing away while Daryl handed her his pickaxe from beside me. We watched as she hesitated for a moment, holding the weapon over her shoulder as she looked down at him sadly, before swinging down harshly with a loud crack. For a moment I thought she would stop there, but that first swing only woke something inside of her as she began hitting him over and over again, more anger and rage coming out of her with each slam of the blade. It surprised me, but it didn't at the same time. I mean this was the man who beat her constantly, who made her feel worthless and weak for God only knows how long, leaving her building everything up inside.

She eventually came to a stop as his head was completely smashed in, her breathing heavy as she collected herself again and kept her remaining composure. She turned back towards us with a barely noticeable smile, handing the weapon back to Daryl as she muttered a small "Thanks." before walking back off to find her daughter.

Once she was nearly out of sight, I looked at Daryl with concern in my eyes, his expression seemingly mirrored my own. But there was something different about the gaze he held, something telling me that his worry wasn't for the grieving widow.

But before I had a chance to dwell on it further, Jacqui's loud yell cut through the air like a sharp knife and brought everyone's attention to her as she screamed. "A walker got him! A walker bit Jim!"

My heart stilled upon hearing her panic, none of us hesitating as we all ran over to the man who was now holding a shovel to protect himself from us. His eyes were filled with fear as everyone began to slowly crowd around him at an exaggerating pace, sweat beating down on his pale skin from the scorching hot sun and the nerves of us all finding out his secret.

"Show it to us." Daryl demanded with a pointed finger.

But Jim didn't budge, still holding onto the shovel and swinging it around to try and get us away from him. That's when T-Dog quickly snuck up behind him and held his arms back, the shovel falling out of his grasp with a clatter. I then saw my opportunity and made my way forward, lifting his shirt to see the deep teeth indents on the side of his body.

"I'm okay...I'm okay...I'm okay." he kept repeating, almost convincing himself more than anyone else as we all saw the bloody mark left behind.

A certain sadness fell over the group, already knowing that he wasn't going to make it, yet another person was practically dead before our very eyes. Jaqui didn't waste any more time as she ushered him away from our prying eyes, letting him sit down towards the RV to get him out of the baking sun while getting him some water drink. Everyone else just seemed to form around in a small circle away from him, talking about his fate and how there wasn't a lot of time left to discuss to begin with.

"I say we put a pickaxe in Jim, and the dead girl and be done with it." Daryl stated bluntly as he slung the heavy weapon over his shoulder.

"This isn't right," Rick protested, "Jim, he's...he's a human being."

"Not for long." Daryl responded, glancing over at the man with narrowed eyes.

Shane's gaze couldn't help but snap back towards the man every few seconds as he let out a scoff, "Would you want us to do that if it was you?" he asked.

"Yeah," Daryl simply responded "And I'd thank ya while ya did it."

In a way, he did have a point. I hated to think that or give him credit for being so harsh, but there truly was no other way to look at it now. There was no hope for either of them. Hell, Amy was already dead, and it was only a matter of time before she came back with Andrea sitting just inches away. And the last thing any of us needed right now was to have to put someone else down because she couldn't fully let her go.

"Well, what about the CDC? I heard that they were working on a cure." Rick stated.

Shane responded, "Yeah I heard that too, I heard a lot of things before the world went to hell." he said with a roll of his eyes.

"What if the CDC is still up and running?" he continued.

"Man, that is a stretch right there." Shane said.

"Well, think about, it I think it's our best shot, shelter, protection, food-"

"Look, we all want those things, I do too, okay?" Shane interrupted him, "But I think we should head towards Fort Benning."

Lori huffed, "That's about a hundred miles in the opposite direction." 

"But it's away from the hot spot." Shane replied.

Rick sighed, "Look, the CDC might be Jim's only chance." he whispered, trying to not let the unstable man hear his words.

I mindlessly listened to all their different suggestions before my eyes caught sight of Daryl slowly turning to stare at Jim, practically envisioning the idea forming in his mind. He made eye contact with me once he felt my stare and I lightly shook my head, telling him no. To not start something he couldn't finish. But he didn't listen to my warning.

"Man, someone just needs ta take care of the damn problem!" he yelled before rushing over to put an end to this. But it couldn't happen. Not now while everyone was so on edge with something they didn't understand.

I quickly rushed past him to plant myself in front of Jim without even thinking, while Rick raced to catch up and held his gun to the back of Daryl's head, loading a bullet in the chamber. When Daryl saw my face align with his, his grip on the weapon faltered, but only for a moment as he clearly didn't expect me to put myself in such a situation. But I wasn't about to let this man get murdered, even if he already was a dead man.

"We don't kill the living." Rick spoke lowly, enunciating every word.

Daryl's eyes narrowed as he slowly looked back towards him, the gun now placed between his eyes, "S' funny...coming from a man who just put a gun ta my head." he replied snarkily.

But regardless he saw Rick clearly wasn't budging, scoffing as he dropped the pickaxe and stormed off towards the woods to have another little tantrum by himself. Rick looked over at me gratefully as he placed his weapon back, clearly apricating someone else being on his side. But to me it wasn't about that. It was just about right and wrong. And clearly the idea of blatantly killing someone like that was wrong in my eyes. Maybe because a part of me felt for him, not even being able to imagine how terrifying it was just waiting around for death to eventually sink its teeth into you.   

Today had turned into quite a depressing one that just seemed endless, constantly being reminded of what we lost in just minutes with every glance you took around this place. It was a hot mess, everything bloody and disgusting from the horror scene. But it only seemed to get worse as everyone around the area heard a single loud gunshot ring out amongst the silence, looking back quickly to see Andrea sobbing all over again. Amy's now dead and lifeless body laid in her arms, and for me it became almost too much to handle as her cries were only growing louder.

I looked over to see Glenn standing beside me, gently nudging his arm as I nodded my head awkwardly, "Hey, uh...I'm going to go...look for Daryl." I said briefly, anything to get away from this camp for a little while.

He nodded, though gave me somewhat of a look of sympathy as he placed a hand on my shoulder, "Good luck." he said.

I huffed and wormed myself out of his hold before walking away from him, though a part of me took his words seriously. In the back of my mind I knew there was a chance I would get scolded by the hothead of a man just like the last time I had approached him like this. But I would be lying if I said a part of me didn't want to make sure he was okay. He had stormed off fast, disappearing for longer than I thought he would, though no one else seemed to really notice but me.

My feet moved just down the dirt road and a little ways through the trees before I finally spotted him sitting down in the grass, his hunched over frame facing away from me. I slowly walked through the parted forest until I was lingering just behind him, silently questioning what I should do now that I'd spotted him. Though eventually I found the courage to sit down next to him, keeping a safe distance between us as he definitely wasn't the warm and cuddly type. 

He jumped slightly at my sudden quiet presence as he clearly wasn't expecting anyone else out here but him, but I simply ignored it. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I didn't say a word as I sat there thinking, looking out into the distance just like he once was.

Though now I could feel him staring at me out of the corner of my eye, probably trying to figure out what the hell possessed me to come out here, though I found I wasn't going to acknowledge it. But the silence was apparently growing too uncomfortable for him as he squirmed, opening his mouth as if to clear the air while I sat there completely unbothered.

"Aren't ya gonna say anything?" he asked, his tone annoyed and harsh.

My head turned to look at him, "No..." I shrugged, "Just wanted to make sure you were okay." I spoke honestly, my tongue moving faster than my brain could even register.

He looked taken aback for a second, his eyes studying me intensely as they narrowed, his mind being completely closed off as I couldn't decipher what he was thinking. "Why?" he asked sharply.

With the way he asked in such a defensive tone, it was almost as if he thought I was lying to him. But I wasn't. Though we didn't know each other well enough to know the other's deepest darkest secret, that didn't mean I didn't care. At least a little.

"Because...you've been looking out for me, figured I'd do the same."

I could tell the simplicity of my response surprised him a bit, clearly not expecting such an act from me let alone anyone at all. He grunted dismissively in response before turning to look straight in front of him, avoiding my eyes and seemingly not having anything else to say. It was somewhat of a shock to me that I was actually somewhat enjoying his quiet presence. It seemed as though it was a mutual agreement that we didn't need to speak to each other in order to fill the silence. I didn't hate it, not at all. Some might've said it was...nice.

As the hours passed, darkness now covered the entirety of the sky like a thick blanket. We had buried and burned all the remaining bodies and finally came to the decision we would make the trip to the CDC in order to try and help Jim. I silently knew it was a lost cause, but I didn't see any point in arguing since it seemed settled no matter what anyone said. Rick was persistent about it and wasn't willing to give up on him so easily, when in reality there was nothing we could do.

I sat up tall against the RV with my notebook in hand, sketching the scene in front of me as the group sat around the glowing fire. My eyes lifted up and down as to not miss a single detail, getting everyone perfectly in their image as they quietly talked, the energy dwindling down as the minutes passed.

To me it was coming along nicely as I stopped for a moment to admire it, only to find that there was someone missing from the picture. I looked back up and scanned the area to see if I could find him among the others, but I couldn't spot him anywhere from what I could see. But the man himself then made his presence known as he sat beside me, glancing over just in time to see Glenn peering over my shoulder to see what I was drawing. I tilted the page a bit to show him what I had accomplished, seeing a huge smile break out onto his face.

"That's so good...I don't think I've met anyone who could draw like that." he admired, "Hey, do you think you could do a portrait of me?" he asked excitedly like a giddy child.

I chuckled, "Maybe some other time but yeah, yeah I think I could draw you"

My answer seemed to satisfy him for the time being, continuing to chat with him for a little while, listening to him ramble while I finished perfecting the drawing. I glanced back up again to get some finishing touches when my eyes landed on Daryl who was sitting quietly to himself, the furthest away from everyone else on a tree stump. For once I had caught him out of his element, getting the briefest chance to look at him without feeling like I was burning under his gaze. He didn't look miserable, but yet slightly uncomfortable lingering around the fire with everyone, clearly not that much of a people person.

For a split second I actually saw him without a glare permanently plastered on his face, thinking silently to myself that he was actually quite attractive as I gazed at him in this new light. But I didn't dare let myself ponder over it too much and quickly shook it off, blaming it on the fact that I hadn't gotten laid in a very long time and diverted my eyes away before he had a chance to notice. Though I couldn't help but find him in the group of people every time I looked back up, as if my eyes were somehow drawn to him suddenly.

But again, I managed to force the thought out of my mind. Clearing my throat awkwardly as I finished up the drawing, I finally flashed it to Glenn who instantly approved, unaware of the things I was thinking just moments ago.

"Awesome." he admired, "You know, I should get you a real sketchbook. Maybe some new art supplies or something, I can keep an eye out on my next run." he suggested as he looked over the details.

But I quickly brushed it off, "Oh no, it's okay. That's not nearly as important as...I don't know, food?"

"You sure? Not even some paint." he tried to wager.

I nodded as I closed the notebook, "Trust me, I already have everything I need." I assured, "Thanks though."

"...If you say so." he responded, but judging by his tone, I could tell he was going to be on the lookout anyway no matter how much I protested.

By the time our conversation died down, everyone else seemed to be dispersing back toward their tents for the night as the fire slowly began to dim. We all silently knew just how early of a morning we had ahead of us and wanted to get some rest before it grew too late. I followed their lead as I gathered the rest of my things, wishing Glenn a goodnight before heading off towards the forest as if it was a routine at this point.

However, I was just nearly past the tree line when a voice stopped me. "Where ya going?"

Daryl's deep, gravelly voice echoed through my ears as I slowly turned to face him, trying to hide my curiosity as to why he stopped me. "To sleep..." I said simply, "I've been doing it since I got here." 

He scoffed, "You ain't sleepin in the damn woods, there's room in the RV." 

I visibly seemed to cringe even at the thought, "Nah too crowded, I like the quiet better anyway." I brushed off before turning around to head back.

But his voice stopped me again, "Wait, uh..."

I glanced back again, nodding for him to continue as I looked at him expectantly. Now, I could've been hallucinating, my mind fooling me completely, but I could've sworn his cheeks got a little red while he tried to find his next words as if they got stuck in the back of his throat.

"There's uh...room in my tent if ya want." he offered shyly.

Wow...I never thought I would see the day where Daryl Dixon got embarrassed, and I had only known him for about three days. He couldn't even meet my eyes while he asked, his gaze staring straight towards the ground instead.

"Wait...were you asking me to stay in your tent, or that rock down there?" I gestured with a small smirk.

His eyes shot up to send me a glare, but before he could open his mouth to say anything snarky, I quickly accepted, "That'd be really nice...thank you." I spoke genuinely, sending him a small smile before heading to the direction of his tent.

I didn't hear him follow behind me until I was just at the entrance of the space that he and his brother used to share. I hesitantly stepped inside, not knowing exactly which side to go towards as I didn't want to take up his space, waiting for him to direct me. But when he walked in, he didn't say a word. He just laid down on the right side with his back facing me as if he couldn't look me in the eye let alone speak another word.

I didn't think too much of it and laid down on the left side and closed my eyes to try and get some sleep. Trying to ignore the smile creeping onto my face at the kind gesture.

~ Thanks for reading!

[scrumptiousstuffs]

How much of the truly unhinged things FK do and say do you think is mostly fanservice? I genuinely can't imagine saying half those things to a person for real. It's not that I think they don't care about each other, but I can't really believe it's that intense without them realizing it, so I have to conclude that it's made that way for fanservice. They have said they read everything we say, so they know what we respond to and what gets retweeted the most. And I know enough about other cps to know some of the fanservicy things they do - pretending to not be able to make something everyone knows they'll be at, saying stuff like "we're just naturally like this", getting "caught" cuddling. It rings less true every time I see it.

The one thing that gives me pause is how much other people tease them after being around them for five minutes. Is it all just one big in-joke? Do other cps have that same thing where their coworkers ship them and is it as universal (I think Tay and New do? I don't know I don't really pay enough attention to other cps, just enough to know most of the common fanservice)? Do other cps say things like FK say to each other? I just don't know.

I guess I just think that fanservice is supposed to be a tacit agreement between fans and cps to buy into an illusion but not take it too far. When you do that, it's fun. But sometimes FK make me want to go full delulu and then I have to slap myself a little.

Anon, I give you permission to go all delulu 😉 (I’m in it and living the best life 😌).

However, delulu aside, I don’t think FK is doing much fanservice.

I mentioned in previous asks they will try and do “extra” or hype up a little bit, usually during fanmeet/concert/events - but you can always tell 😅. They are amazing actors on-screen but off-screen, they are a pair of giggly mess whenever they try to do fanservice - be it delivery pick up lines (most recent examples inc. FK fanmeet and OF fanmeets), where the boys almost immediately break out of character or doing it exaggeratedly👇🏽 (First burst out laughing after Khaotung deliver a pick up line, while you can see Khaotung’s face…)

Or if it is an “act” of fan service (like during LOLfanfest when First stripped off his jacket) he broke out into a cheeky grin (and trying to hold off a giggle), Khao rather than “joining in the act” by I don’t know 🤷🏽‍♀️ caressing those biceps (for example), instead gets flustered and tries to quickly cover up his bestie (of course, First may just be doing it to tease his bestie and trolling us hehe)

No doubt, they are getting better (or should I say, more comfortable) with fan-service, for example, when Khaotung proudly told his bestie a fan was hitting on him (during the Bookfest earlier in 2024), First immediate response was “why are you hitting on my boyfriend?”

But, I stand by what I said in my previous ask, our boys (as a CP) are generally atrocious at fanservice 🙃.

The interactions we see of them now are just how they are -clingy, sticky besties who don’t realise that the things they say and do for each other are actually not the norm for usual best friends behaviour or even usual CPs. We are just seeing it now cause their relationship is “open” once they are officially a CP. But the boys have gone on trips together even back in 2020, do collab of their clothing lines when they were babies in GMMTV and I remember the official FC managers of both boys actually said they know FK are close even pre-CP cause if you find one, you bet you will find the other one close by (also echoed by countless of other actors/actresses who like you say in your asks - tend to tease them mercilessly about it hehe)

This ask explains FK relationship better. And I’m putting a link from a previous ask I answered re: iconic moments in FK fandom, where most of the unhinged stuffs happen unscripted.

We see them basically doing/saying unhinged things way back pre-CP. I’m sure by now, you have hopefully seen countless of other videos or read through other asks stating the same thing (with most of the videos normally captured by their friends/colleagues in gmmtv cause they just don’t realise how out of the ordinary their relationship is).

The boys share everything - from wardrobe, perfumes, accessories to credit cards. I’m sure we also have evidence floating somewhere they just packed everything in one suitcase (at one point) when they had to travel overseas together for a function.

Also, the one thing they can’t fake - is the genuine adoration they have for each other when they stare at each other (usually when the other is not watching). So many photos of these 2 just staring at each other (that fans jokingly labelled it as Thanawhipped and Kanawhipped depending on who is doing the staring). We had interviewers/photographers actually calling out to Khaotung (at one point) to stop staring at First so they could take his pictures 🤣…

Plus, I have always thought the boys as old souls and quite sensitive to emotions (especially if it pertains to each other). Jokes aside regarding the “extra” fanservice during their official fanmeets/concerts - these 2 cannot express how much they meant to each other without breaking down and turn into gooey mess (personally, I just can’t see these as being fake).

But you are absolutely right in saying CP culture, fanservice and the parasocial relationship they have with the fans should be respectful and we need to have boundaries. It’s fun to admire their relationship/friendship (or whatever it is they have - I’m still on queerplatonic team, btw 🫡) - but it shouldn’t be to the point that we cross the line.

As for other CPs, I don’t follow them closely enough to comment. I think each CP have their own take in what they want to show to their fans, but most can function independently without the other and they have friends outside the CP. FK on the other hand…yes, they have friends too but these 2 are codependent to the point they genuinely can’t seem to function 100% without the other person being close by as their support person (like the amount of time Khaotung mentioned First without prompt when he was the special host for GMMTV Live House….🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️and similarly, First will bring up tidbits about Khaotung again unprompted to fans/hosts ��🏻‍♀️ (eg the tidbit of him staring at Khaotung face when they woke up together in their shared bed during the Busan trip…🙂‍↕️)

Anyway, I’m going to finish up with this view of Khaotung (cause now I’m imagining this was what First saw that morning in Busan 😭😭😭 - those lucky boys!)

[user-needs-new-hyperfixation]

Trying to start a giant-ass meta on why I ship Mycroft/Albert and what there is to see of it and right off the bat I'm like...I want people to look at every single panel of their interactions.

No, it's not Sherliam levels. And BIG OLD DISCLAIMER: very little of what I'm going to present here is like "We were clearly intended to read it this way." I'll always argue that Sherliam is meant to be romantic: it hits so many well-established notes and tropes it's almost impossible to think otherwise. MycAl is a bit different. I do think it's definitely like...we're welcome and even invited to see it. But a LOT of my shipping it comes from the way I personally read and interpret things. So this is about explaining what I'm seeing that makes me ship it, rather than trying to be like "This is canon and you should agree with me." Anyway, for reference, I'll be using the official translation as far as it goes and then swapping to teawaffles' wonderful translation for the rest!

So...like right off the bat throughout the entirety of their Chapter 4 interactions their body language and expressions and ways of talking are so flirty? (Also, I still find it funny that in the manga Mycroft is introduced before Sherlock and thus Mycal is introduced before Sherliam. Older bros first lol.)

Maybe it's just that 2 decades on the internet have skewed me towards reading suggestiveness into everything, but the way Mycroft addresses Albert feels so flirtatious even if he's literally just being normal. "And what would an Indian Army official such as yourself want from an intelligence official such as myself this late in the evening?" Like...am I crazy? Does that not kinda sound like a porn intro? 😂 (This could also be Sherliam Side-effects. The way they call each other Professor and Detective in That One Scene is like...almost undeniably foreplay. Now every time anyone calls each other by title/profession/rank is this series I assume they're hitting on each other.)

But also Albert is just so...handsy throughout that scene. He's touching Mycroft's knickknacks, and just sort of limp-wristing all over the place. And I mean, I think that's just one of Albert's public-facing personas (customer service peeps, you know what's up) but it definitely lends itself to the existence of Vibes.

Anyway, there's this parallel of "You have my attention. What do you want?" that I think is kinda neat. (But look how comparatively sad Mycroft looks in the second version!!!)

Chapter 4:

Chapter 23:

Btw, in Scandal in the British Empire...why does Mycroft introduce himself to the Queen? Never mind, not why we're here. Again, my weird innuendo sensors perk up in Chapter 17 at "I did not drag you out of bed this early for nothing." Maybe it's because my perception of Victorian niceties, whether it's factual or not, is that there was this sense of avoiding talk of physical realities. We don't speak of pregnancy, we speak of "her condition" and "confinement." We don't "go to bed," we "retire." And so on. So conversely, it feels almost suggestive to even acknowledge that someone was in bed. In whatever state of undress the might imply. *Kellen Goff Sasaki voice:* OOOH how sCanDaLOus. (Mind you I DON'T believe there is anything of authorial intent in this, again, just trying to explain the factors that make me read things a certain way.)

The little mind games: Albert immediately recognizing that he's being tested, and Mycroft well aware that something is off, that he and Albert are using each other to their own ends. All juicy ship ingredients.

Then there's this...I can't articulate why it's important. But it is. Something about mouths and thoughts. If I wasn't terribly lazy, I'd go digging for examples in various manga series and I have a pretty firm suspicion that I could prove that, often, Mouth-Focus Thinking Panel + Name = Ship.

Jumping forward to the start of The Riot in New Scotland Yard (Chapter 29), Mycroft's demeanour has really changed. During the meeting at the British Museum he's radiating "I'm not angry I'm just disappointed" energy. He's tense, he's not sure if the Moriartys are enemies and when he understands their plan he seems understandably sad about it even as he accepts it. But now, he's radiating an almost Sherlock-like excitement. He's just gotten to see a miniature version of The Plan in action during the Jack the Ripper case, and it worked. He says he's just visiting Albert as an acquaintance (read: friend in Mycroftian), and that's what it feels like. They're chummy. It's cute. Also Albert teasing Mycroft over his squabbles with Sherlock when he leaves? When did Albert find out about that, hmm? (I mean, could be spying of course. But I like to think it just suggests they've talked more than we've seen.)

Annnnnd....cutting this part off here because I'm bored of it for now and it's long. I'll do the rest when the mood strikes. 😂

[polin-erospsyche]

Bridgerton Season 3 Part 2 Thoughts

Alright, it’s been a few days since the end of Season 3 Part 2 of Bridgerton, and I’ve had some time to think about all of it and rewatch the show. I have some thoughts. I’m not sure how much this will add to what everybody has already said, but I’m hoping that by writing this, I can free myself from the torment that is my Polin obsession. There are a few points I’d like to hit on, so this will probably be separated into parts.

1. The Break Between Part 1 and Part 2

I’ll start this whole thread with what seems to me like a big reason for which Part 2 was received the way it was in the fandom: the break. Of course, that is not to say that Part 2 was perfect. It wasn’t. I think by now we all agree that something was missing from it. Some used the word “lackluster”; others deemed it “disappointing.” However, what seems interesting to me after having spoken about it with some of my friends who watch it but are nowhere near as invested is that they overall enjoyed Part 2. Some even thought Part 2 was better than Part 1, with more solid storytelling. I personally have come to the conclusion that it is overall a great season and a very entertaining one. With its flaws, of course, but then again, no season of Bridgerton so far was ever perfect.

The difference, then, to me, between casual viewers of the show and the fandom, and maybe what could explain the difference in the level of disappointment we felt after Part 2, is the break. How we lived the break more specifically, and the AMOUNT of media we consumed during it. In effect, this break was essentially a great idea and the worst mistake Netflix could have made. A great idea because it caught a lot of people’s attention. With nothing to do but to wait after that carriage scene of all scenes, the only place to turn to, if you couldn’t get it out of your head, was online with the fan community. And god knows we were fed. Constantly and very, very well. With drops nearly every day, interviews, stills, and everything else, we had plenty to interact with. On top of that, you add fan theories and possible spoilers and a constant assurance that this season would get “very steamy, the steamiest,” and you end up with a lot of hype around Part 2.

I truly believe we might have been disappointed if we had gotten the whole season in one go, but the fallout might not have been as bad because they simply wouldn’t have had the time to build so much hype around it. That was the stupid aspect of putting a break in the middle. Nothing, I think, could have come close to what each one of us hoped and prayed Part 2 could be. It is the eternal problem of expectations vs. reality.

One last thing that I will add to this is the reputation Bridgerton has built for itself over the years. Bridgerton, when it was first released, was new, thrilling, a show that bent convention of traditional historical drama, a show that was steamy. We had a lot in terms of intimacy scenes in Season 1. Then Season 2 came, and fans were disappointed. Then Season 3 rolled along, and fans are finding themselves equally disappointed (now I see there are actually wars being fought over which season between 2 and 3 was the least steamy or showed the least amount of nudity, and I just sit here rolling my eyes because is this really necessary? Anyway, I digress. This is not the point here). We, as a fandom, have come to expect more nudity, more steaminess, more focus on the main couple, and each season for the past two we get disappointed. Season 1, no matter what you may think of it, and Queen Charlotte both delivered, I would say, in terms of focus on the main couple and steamy scenes. That is because both of them had fewer things going on in them, fewer side plots. My friend said something to me that made me laugh: she said that if you expect a romance show focused on the main couple above all else, you will inevitably be disappointed. However, if you make your peace with the fact that the format has changed somewhat, then it’s actually great fun. I personally think that the problem is the format has changed, but Bridgerton is still being sold to us on its original pitch, and if the original pitch is to be kept, then the 8-episode format is nowhere near enough to cram everything in, ending up in a weirdly paced show with disjointed scenes and a disappointed fan base.

Now that the problems have been laid out, and despite the flaws, this season still remains so beautiful, especially due to the complexity in both Colin and Penelope individually and as a couple (which I cannot wait to discuss!). It is worth sitting with it and taking it as a whole and not as a Part 1 and Part 2 😊

[xaeydnquartz]

Part of me kinda wants to stop DMing my first and current campaign? IDK just need to vent

So, brief expo. like many, got into CR during the pandemic (mainly due to "The Legend of Vox Machina" which lead to me actually bingeing the all 3 campaigns) During which time a friend (who was in my immediate friend group but like the rest of my friend group, i didnt really feel close to) told me that he was really into CR as well. As a fresh new critter, i was stoked. Was able to share my blossoming love of CR with someone (FINALLY!) during which we both mentioned how D&D looked so much fun and that it would be really great to be able to play and ooo what if we got our friends together and played.

After which we discussed, if we did, who would be DM? Seeing as how none of our friends really played D&D our talk lead to either my friend or me and after asking the question "Which do you think you would prefer more?" It was clear i would try my hand at DMing (i like lore in games, and i like storytelling, and im a tad bit of a control freak at times, lol)

Anyway, we eventually got in touch with our close knit of friends, and though i intended to be a standard 6 we suddenly had an 8 party party (and that was with me having to tell even less close friends there wasnt room).

Feeling it would still be manageable (as there was precedent that i could pull inspo from, CR) i began planning a rough idea of a campaign and working with my friends to create their characters and running a session 0 so we were all on the same page. You know standard stuff.

-Fast Forward to current date and time-

It has its stressful moments, but i still am able to enjoy the time with my friends for the most part (though theres a lot of times were ive never felt lonelier) Which brings me to the whole point of the post, my need to vent to the void about this loneliness. Nobody really gets in touch or interacts with me at all. Not to talk about the campaign or even collab on their characters. The most i get are occasional critiques about how i could have done something better couple sessions prior and request to add another person to the 8 person party. When we have sessions, people show up late quite often, leave early quite often, have to cancel as they have other things they are doing (even though we planned and scheduled weeks prior) and even when people are there they somtimes feel like they arent always present. i already feel extremely distant from all of them as they all live closer to each other while i live on the totally opposite side of the state and theyve known each other way longer than i have, but the minimal interactions they have with me, the DM/GM of all people, just continues to add to all of it I know we all are busy with our lives, and that compared to those things D&D is really not that big of a deal or important. And i get that, it is just a game afterall, but it still manages to hit pretty hard

I've communicated my feelings through our time of this campaign, if im being honest, maybe not this indepth. I mean, its partially because i barely see or talk to them (again life gets in the way) but also because i feel extremely guilty for putting this kind of tension to something we are all supposed to be enjoying and relaxing to. Its especially painful as most recently 2 players, who said they would get in touch with me about changes possibly being being made to their characters, never got in touch in anyway shape or form, and its been about a month now? And session is in a week...i didnt even get much as a reply back. Idk, its been almost about a year now and i felt i just needed to get this out somewhere other than debating myself.

Thanks for listening tumblr.

[disventure-rewrite-takes]

In celebration of the most annoying dsvc plot line finally being resolved, here’s my takes as a random new anon on how they could’ve possibly been rewritten. Note not all of the rewrites have to apply it’s more of just spitballing ideas

1. If you want to go down the Tom ghosts Jake for 2 years arc, I think it could’ve been interesting to see it be something that progresses. Like Jake mentions how Tom contacted him and they talked but over time he just stopped replying less and less. Then it turns into a thing where Tom is still scared of being hurt. Whereas before it was a part of the adrenaline/excitement of “oh hey we met on this reality show” or something along the lines of that. Maybe Tom rewatched the show and just hated how he acted during it and how something that he was so traumatized over ended up being broadcasted sorta thing

2. For Jake to still be hung over Tom after 2 years is a bit much to me. I think it could’ve been interesting to see him talk about trying out dating apps at one point after everything with Tom imploded. Then for it to just be a complete failure each time. Then his feelings for Tom are more so on the side of reminiscing on something that was once good

3. Have them start off as trying to be friends again since it has been so long. Don’t immediately jump into something where it’s clear that romance is the intention of one of them. Like have it be a thing where it’s like an awkward seeing an old friend and the two are just trying to get back into the groove of things but it’s awkward. Then you see in confessionals mini things like Jake being like “it’s nice to talk to him again. I never really realized how much I missed it.” Whereas for Tom it could be something like “Oh god. I can’t let myself fall for him again. This is too much.”

4. If miscommunication is a mandatory plot point for whatever reason, handle it well. Tom doesn’t lie about a boyfriend and avoid it at all costs. Have the thing that Jake is misunderstanding not be a minimal interaction between Tom and Aiden. Like, if Aiden is needed let’s not have Jake accuse a taken guy of cheating on the second episode where both Tom and Aiden just met. Regarding possible fixes; have Tom and Jake have completely different views on what they are, which cause some layer of miscommunication. Or even in general without any major fixes don’t have the miscommunication plot line last multiple episodes all starting off in the beginning half of the episodes. There’s a way to build it up without said plot line being shoved down somebody’s throat

5. Give reasons to love TomJake. All of their interactions this season is linked to some sort of negative and it’s comes off as being desperate and holding onto the past. They could’ve still had Tom and Jake have cute awkward moments with Tom still being scared. Not everything had to be romance rooted or plain avoidance. It could be the small things. Tom giving Jake something extra he hunted. Jake being worried for Tom and vice versa if one were to be close to being eliminated. Or simply sometimes just crashing into each other at night whilst on a nightly stroll and having an awkward yet needed conversation, where it can be obvious that Tom is holding something back

6. Rather than having conversation after conversation of way to show build up, have it be something that is subtle. Whether it be through actions or expressions or even a throwaway line somebody says and one of them just reacts to it. That’s a way to have the dsvc episode not be TomJake heavy in the beginning. Then once it hits the boiling point Tom or Jake (most likely Jake because it’s Jake) just breaks. He breaks down and just starts breaking down whether it be to Ashley or Tom. Even if it’s something as small as “I’ve tried so hard for this to work, and nothing I do ever seems to be enough.”

7. A mini side note but have Jake be more grounded as a character. Basically actually make him more likable. See him try so much harder with Tom to just talk, and show that he has changed, and when Tom just tells him to stop he does. You can even have him outperform and show a reason for him to be voted out beyond being annoying. In challenges I mainly remember him for something TomJake related and I think it’d be interesting if he was some sort of threat. You can make him more likable by having him build a bond with other characters. Let’s not have him be stuck to hating Ally, hating Aiden, and loving Ashley. You can literally give him so much more character interactions wise.

8. In conclusion, don’t have the plot line appear in every single episode especially in the beginning where the challenge just ends up shoved to the side.

- Claude

1. yes!!! i think it was so unrealistic how tom said nothing to him at all when they ended on such a positive, hopeful note in S1. its also why i think toms words at his elimination were just an empty promise. its literally the same thing he said two years prior - why should jake trust him? so yeah deffo make them talk more at first.

2. yes again, omg i hated how two years later everyone was still hung up on things. jake still pining for tom, ashley still salty about fiore (ma’am you’re 24 arguing with someone a third of your age), jake mad at ellie, omfggg grow a pair. ITS BEEN TWO YEARS. still being a bit mad is reasonable but get over it. GROWN ASS ADULTS

3. YES!!!

4. YES??!!?!!!?!!

5. YESSS!!!! this ties into another take on here, that ONC just focuses on negative interactions - and that doesn’t make the ship compelling to me!! give me something to work with!! in S1, you had the boat interaction when jake said tom’s eyes are pretty. you had the maze challenge when jake and tom had a heartfelt talk and THAT CHORD THAT STRUNG when they touched hands!!! MY HEART!!!! the aftermath of jake’s phone call! their instant connection with each other!! THE KISS!!! THE ZOMBIE CHALLENGE!!!!!!! i just wish we got cute moments like those in DCAS too so i would actually root for them <//3

6. SUBTLE BUILD-UP MY FAV it’s almost like subtlety makes a story more compelling rather than vomiting exposition.. (cough cough ONC, hazbin hotel, yansim etc.)

7. characters with multiple layers my beloved.. i think jake could’ve easily been one of my favs if he wasn’t so one-dimensional. he’s just a tom-obsessed crybaby, rather than a complex, traumatized individual. and it’s so bad that they gave us a glimpse of his complexity in S1 then threw it aside for cheap drama. i miss S1 <//3

[lesbiandanhowell]

Special episode of Sam reacts!

Sam reacts to: We're All Doomed Movie

Since this is long, little summary of thoughts at the beginning. I didn't love the editing at the beginning, because it felt too fast paced/ too jumpy? But it changed in the second half and seeing the contrast in the editing of it being much slower during the emotional bit, it does make sense. I think the movie for sure did the performance justice and showing the audience interactions added a lot for me.

Also this show is so important on every level and I adore Dan so much for making it and being so proud of it.

- Immediately started looking for myself but I don't think you can see us, cause we sat on the balcony. I have however already spotted @energeticwarrior and @danrifics like less than a minute in lmao

- I love seeing how many of the camera positions I identified correctly.

- I wish they would let shots linger more, the cuts are quite jumpy.

- Oh this brings me back so much. Hearing the audience laugh at certain moments I remember laughing in that moment. I get the same excitement and urge to clap and cheer.

- I love seeing his expressions, cause I didn't get to see those up from the balcony!

- The person with the boob hair sweater in the first row, I love you!

- "Believably sad, lonely and horny. Dan Howell!"

- Okay they somehow really managed to capture the energy of the room which I was worried about. The sound leveling between audience and Dan is really well matched imo.

- He is SO SWEATY what the fuck how stressed was he because the venue really wasn't too hot honestly.

- My attention span is so much worse than when I was there in person holy shit.

- "After the show talking about what a good time you've had" and none of us have been able to shut up about just how much we loved it since 🥹

- The overalls are so bad for Dan, he has like no ass in them.

- Okay admission that @personthattoleratesme made fun of me for: during the YouTube swipe Montage I didn't realize all the other like Crafting, Baking, Shipping Container YouTubers was Dan the first time I saw the show...

- I am SO GLAD Froot Loops Tucan made it and the persons reaction and confidence is incredible.

- Dan's ability to go between talking about wanting to fuxk the Duolingo owl to the very real danger of social media influencing political elections is unparalleled.

- "Human communication. We want to come together with real people. Share stories, move each other emotionally with our words about depression and pensis."

- Imagine Dan Howell calling you hoe...

- Something about Dan calling himself a ditzy bitch gets me so bad every time.

- "Miscellaneous mentally ill nerds of London" best title I have ever been given.

- I liked Sundays madlips better :(( But wasn't faggots Sunday I am so confused now

- The screams for every Phil mention, we love him so much.

- I love Blame Game so much, some of my favourite parts from the whole show because the energy is unmatched. The fact that JKR gets a more severe reaction than Musk is actually so funny.

- Sunday crowd was the best, you can so clearly hear that the majority of people is calling freedom for Dan at the end aww.

- I need more bravery to fuck shit up, to not be so agreeable and complacent and be more disruptive honestly.

- After the calender bit his voice is so shakey and broken, I didn't hear that at all in person but fuck that just broke me.

- Yeah the last few minutes always get me so not much of a reaction to those other than I cried, again.

- What I found interesting was the parts that were left out? Cause I definitely noticed a few moments that didn't make the cut which I find surprising! Moments I noticed were the first mention of him only using two emojis, that's referenced again with the cowboy hat emoji and also he didn't include the iconic "Because time changes everything".

- I am so glad they managed to get All Star because it is simply part of the experience honestly. Nothing hit's quite like sobbing and then being hit with that song.

EDIT:

- I remembered something else I really loved: the music, I really think they choose such a good score, made such good little sound effects and the reaction I had to hearing it all live was amazing.

[tdlosk-confessions]

i used to be a very hardcore teruhashi hater, with all the 'she deserved what kusuke said to her' during that one episode/chapter (i can't remember which, but it was like the one time they interacted so it's that one :']) and that she was a 'one-dimensional pick-me-girl that saiki CLEARLY hated, why would anyone ever ship them thats insane' but then i got a tumblr account, and started seeing posts from this one blog around and i thought to myself a lot at first about how weird or just plain "incorrect" the content of them was. but i never blocked them cause i was just always really conflicted about whatever the post was. i read every post and like, stewed in it even though i firmly said that i teruhashi was the worst character, in both enjoyability and character. then there was this one piece of terusai fanart that popped up as a reblog from that blog, and i was like 'hey. this is cute as heck, actually,' and i had to mentally grapple myself with enjoying something that teruhashi was in. it kind of hit me a while after that i maybe i should rewatch the anime, just to make sure i was right. but low and behold, with all of those tumblr posts in the back of my mind, teruhashi very quickly shot into my top three favourite characters, not only because she was just funny to add into the cast, but also because she was a genuinely good character and i actually started to think deeper on the show in general, and wow was it a lot more fun after that. anyway i just say this because teruhashi is amazing and i've been thinking about that one blog that changed my entire tdlosk experience with their proud defense of our girl teruhashi 😭

[Confession 634]

[beewolfwrites]

Hiii! I live for your writing, so if your requests are open I was wondering if you could make a fic where chishiya has a s/o that has a similar personality to him. Idk, it seems interesting to see how they’d interact in the games or if a near death experience were to happen to either of them. Thank you so much, have an amazing day!

Hi! This felt so weird to write, kind of like getting Siri to have a conversation with another Siri. But two Chishiyas (?)

Anyway, I hope you like it! :)

(Also, I'm so sorry for those who read the previous request I wrote with Wingwoman Kuina - I'd accidentally left some female pronouns in there as I'd written it as a female reader, then decided to make it gn because why not. My editing is terrible because I'm always half asleep, so I'm really sorry if I accidentally made anyone uncomfortable!)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Pain flared in your shoulder as you trudged back into the hotel. You bypassed the crowded areas around the courtyard, bar and pool, slipping in through a quiet side entrance and up through the fire escape. The less people that knew about this little “incident”, the better. You didn’t want anyone taking advantage during your next game. 

Those idiots. Not the ones partying and wasting the remainder of their insignificant lives, but the militants. This was their fault, this agony. 

How can I get back at them, I wonder?

Perhaps leaving a nasty surprise in their rooms? Hmm, the possibilities were endless. You’d have to throw around some ideas with Chishiya and come up with something really creative. 

Speak of the devil, as you passed through the annex the shape of Chishiya’s white hoodie could be seen rounding the corner ahead. He appeared at the end of the corridor, his eyes honing in on your shoulder as you approached. 

‘That looks nasty,’ he said. 

‘It feels it.’ 

Luckily, the bullet had struck the fleshy upper portion of your arm just where it meets the shoulder, bypassing your bone and resulting in a flesh wound. However, even if the injury itself wasn’t fatal, the muscles had stiffened, sparks of pain shooting down to your wrist and across your chest and back. You had always hated asking for help, especially for such a pathetic wound, but still.  

‘Normally I’d deal with this myself, but I might need your expertise, Dr Chishiya. I’m pretty sure the bullet’s still in there.’ 

‘Ch… you’d better come this way then,’ he replied, unimpressed. ‘And don’t call me that.’ 

He led you back to his room where you took a seat on his bed. He pulled out a box of surgical instruments and medical supplies from within the wardrobe, having stolen them from who knows where. Knowing what would come next, you tried to remove your shirt, but stopped, wincing, when needles shot through your arm. Chishiya sat down beside you, using a pair of surgical scissors to carefully cut away your sleeve. 

A shame. I really like this shirt too. 

‘What did you do this time then?’ There was a burning wetness on your skin as he cleaned the area.

‘Me?’ You raised a brow. ‘I didn’t do anything.’ 

‘So the bullet flew into you by itself?’

You couldn’t quite see what he was doing from this angle, but whatever it was, it hurt tremendously, like he was poking and prodding inside the wound. Probably trying to find the bullet with a pair of tweezers. 

‘It was Niragi’s idiots, or one of them anyway,’ you winced. ‘He wasn’t even aiming that thing correctly. Perhaps I should have given him a demonstration.’ 

‘As if you could,’ Chishiya muttered. ‘You’re lucky. If it had hit you square in the shoulder you would have bled out in minutes.’ 

Oh well…it happens. 

Your lips curled into a smile. ‘What would you do if it did? Would you cry?’ 

He paused his ministrations. ‘Obviously not. That would be ridiculous.’ 

You tried to turn to face him better, but he held you in place with one hand, gesturing for you to keep from moving. You obeyed his silent order. However, that didn’t stop you from speaking your mind. Nothing could stop you from doing that. 

‘Chishiya,’ you said, ‘if I die in my next game, don’t you dare waste your time crying. I’ll never let you live it down in the afterlife.’ 

‘I have nothing to worry about then.’ Even from here, you could hear the smirk in his voice. ‘You’re not dying in your next game.’ 

‘You don’t know that. What if I fall into a giant pool of acid?’ 

‘If you do something that stupid,’ he said, ‘you deserve what you get.’

You hissed as he pulled the tiny bullet from your arm and dropped it into a metal dish. You could feel the ooze of blood dripping down your skin. Somehow, now that the bullet had been removed, the pain was both better and worse at the same time.

How can something that tiny be so annoying? 

‘You know, if you died in a game I’d be pretty sad, I think.’ You tilted your head, trying to see his face in the mirror on the wall. His expression was one of deep concentration. ‘I might even cry.’ 

‘Oh…’ He rooted around in the box and pulled out a sterile needle and surgical thread. ‘Would you now?’ 

‘Maybe.’ You braced yourself mentally, as once he began sewing the wound, the pain would soon become unbearable. ‘I guess I’ll never find out though.’ 

‘No?’

You finally arched your head back to look at him, eyes shining and heart full with a feeling you couldn’t describe. You had never quite been able to describe it, no matter how much it filled the emptiness within you. 

‘Because you’re not allowed die in a game either,’ you stated.  

The moment would have almost been romantic, or at least as romantic as it could get for two people who really didn’t have any interest in romance at all. If anything, it was unfortunate that Chishiya chose that exact moment to jab the needle into your wound.

Between hisses of pain, you asked him, ‘About that guy. How do you think I should return the favour?’ 

You didn’t need to look back to know that Chishiya was smiling slyly. It was the same smile he always wore when the cogs in his brain were turning.

‘I have a few ideas.’ 

[disgruntledkittenface]

I started getting more involved in fandom and on tumblr a few months after my dad died. It was a weird time to become involved in a new community because I feel like I really started shutting people out during that time. I shared less of myself and held people at arm's length because I felt like I couldn't trust them with my grief. I had never had a loss like that before and I didn't know what to expect. It hit me sideways, and I felt like no one understood. And to be fair, most people I knew didn't understand simply because they hadn't been through it (and I've learned that grief is very individual – another person losing their dad might not understand my experience anyway). Grief makes people uncomfortable. They don't want to talk about it. And when I did talk about it, and I didn't get what I wanted or needed from those interactions, it really hurt.

It might have gotten easier if my mom hadn't started declining so soon after my dad died. At first, my sisters and I didn't know what was happening. I was the last of the three of us to really accept that she even was declining, and the way they would talk about her made me feel really protective of her. I haven't always been close to my sisters, and being at odds with them about how to take care of my mom really damaged our relationships for a long time. I felt like my dad wouldn't be proud of us because we weren't working together to take care of her. And I knew my mom was embarrassed by the symptoms of her Alzheimer's and didn't want people to see her having trouble with her memory and taking care of herself, so I didn't talk about it very much.

So writing fic really helped me communicate, but I don't think that translated into sharing the minutiae of day here very often. I think my Scorpio placements will always make it hard not to stick to a small, close circle, but I swear I used to be better at this. Since my mom died in January, I haven't felt very connected to the fandom. I don't feel like I fit in, I don't feel like I care about the same things. And it was really hard watching everyone have a collective experience of grief the last few weeks when grief has been so isolating for me. I can't imagine the difference it would have made to share it.

So when I thought about writing something about how I feel this morning, I felt like wait, I don't really do that, I can't do that. I felt that instinct to keep everything in and safe or something. I also worry about articulating something correctly more than maybe I should. I don't like to process what I'm feeling in front of people; I want to process and then say something. But I think that's holding me back.

The 2016 election happened less than a month after my dad died. I remember that week and it was fucking awful. I had trouble sleeping. I felt betrayed by my home state, Michigan. I thought I didn't know people who supported him. I didn't realize how white women held up white supremacy. I had no idea that he would resonate with so many people. But I didn't cry. I think I was already so fucking depressed that I just didn't have it in me.

I woke up this morning and I opened an email from NYT (which, why are they even emailing me, I'm not a subscriber) and it said that he won. And my first thought was no he didn't. My second reaction was to look for the punchline. But there wasn't one. The fact that I didn't expect it for a second time was the punchline, I guess. My husband seemed like he didn't want to talk about it at first. We talked a little before he left for work, but it's kind of like preaching to the choir when we talk because we usually agree.

I didn't cry until after my husband left. I was reading emails that I do actually subscribe to, and I just started sobbing. And it kind of took me by surprise, and I think that's because I didn't cry last time. I just really thought he was only playing to a vocal minority. When I was younger, I thought progress was linear, and it's just really disillusioning to realize that it's more cyclical. The idea of backlash to progress is just so fucking depressing. And I think I understand intellectually that people (straight white cis men and the women who uphold them) feel threatened by marginalized communities having equal rights, but emotionally I fundamentally do not understand. Like the idea of a trans kid having access to gender affirming care in Texas is somehow hurting anyone.

They want to get rid of no fault divorces so that women can't be independent and leave shitty men. They want to take away access to abortion, knowing it affects marginalized people more. But they don't want to do ANYTHING to help a baby after they're born. It's all so fucking transparent. And I don't think he believes in anything ideologically except that he should have power, and so many people's lives are going to be affected on a daily fucking basis in the name of what? (I know, white supremacy.)

None of this is anything you haven't already heard, and heard articulated better or more wittily by someone else. But I wanted to actually say it this time.