#I feel so emotionally unsafe
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#tw suicide#tw sui ideation#tw abuse#I have to be real right now and say that I absolutely cannot tolerate my existence much longer#I was told today by my grandpa that not only does he think I’m becoming like my mom(who is severely abusive and an addict) but also that my#aunt and uncle said the same thing#he even brought up a terrible story from years and years ago of my mom ruining a family gathering as a follow up just to compare me#even more#I can’t even express how excruciating that feels when I spend every waking day alone in my house doing every possible thing to#better my mental health so for my own family..that hardly ever intervened in the first place when I was being abused to say this is such a#low blow and so incredibly ignorant#I feel so emotionally unsafe#the only family member I consistently have contact with now is someone I don’t trust#I don’t even have friends to talk to because most of them have left my life within the past few months#I feel incredibly alone in my feelings and thoughts and I can’t stand to be in the same room as myself#I’m having a mental health team come out to evaluate me for the second time today 💀#i’m so exhausted#personal
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i think its really shitty how people in “neurodiverse” spaces will accommodate for anxiety, but totally refuse to accommodate for hysteria or anger issues (things that are both precipitated by anxiety for me). like it’s totally fine to reject an angry or hysterical person, because unlike anxiety, those are scary and dangerous things and it’s ok if you have a personality disorder or anger issues but only if you never display any symptoms ever
#like genuinely its done so much damage for me to have to be like.#i cant be upset because people are going to be upset about my reaction and feel unsafe because im having a reaction i cannot help having#because there is something wrong with my brain#and there is no understanding for being angry or hysterical. its not a mental illness thing its a moral failing#like oh you shouldnt have gotten upset that wasnt warranted#like if i could help it i would#i don’t want to be hysterical when random shit happens. i don’t want to be really emotionally unstable#i do my best to avoid breaking down#and if i do break down i do my best to damage control and apologize#but thats all i can do#and people are fucking awful to me about it#people who are like omg what can i do to make sure youre not anxious will be fucking awful to me for something i cant help either
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i hate feeling ashamed.
#i think i hate being ace. am i? i think im desperate not to be.#i hate people who act superior to others for no fucking reason.#just because you do feel an emotional reaction to a bully/troll/douchebag doesnt make you naive or insignificant or weak.#it's not some “gotcha!” moment that you do care about what words people use. that you feel upset. even if you act irrationally.#feelings ARE irrational. and that's okay. it does not make you weak.#basically i cant believe i stumbled across a borderline acephobic troll on a viral tumblr post in the year of our lord 2024.#i think it legitimately triggered me. which sucks real fucking bad. idk if it's fair to call this “trauma” but i think you can still have#triggers even if you're not.#sometimes certain things really revert me to a past mental state and make me feel trapped and ashamed and fearful. and that sucks!#but what im feeling IS real. it IS painful even if it's just a dick online. im not weak for having an intense emotional reaction to somethi#that makes me feel emotionally unsafe.#god i hate how therapy speak has become so common that now it becomes misused/overused all the time#and thus it's now an easy dig to just make fun of someone for using any kind of language they learned in therapy.#legitimately what kind of douchebag does that.#some people are truly unpleasant and sickening and it really really sucks that you cant just. not ever interact with unpleasant and sickeni#people. but that's reality for you.#i feel better now. jesus christ that was awful.#mine
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#i never thought id lose friendship so quickly. to have someone i cared about and loved just. suddenly turn#like fuck she was someone i cared about#someone i found comfort in and who i felt loved by#and like. to have that change so quickly#to suddenly turn like that#all because we decided to run#because that house was terrible and unsafe for us and we only felt safe there in each others’ arms#like. we ran because my ex was emotionally abusive and isolated us. made us feel unsafe in the house#and im sorry I never told you that. but fuck#i still love you#it just feels so fucking sudden.#ive never lost a friendship like this#and it hurts#we needed to run. we needed to feel safe. and. idk. it hurts to feel treated like this. to be turned on so suddenly#me and my roomie are safe. at last. we finally found a place to freely exist and be ourselves in. to heal in#we werent the ones to burn that bridge that bridge was burnt long ago#i just didnt think your bridge was burned as well
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they make me ILL
#this relationship is so obviously emotionally abusive and im going to scream about it#“ill give you some peace and quiet which i know you love” END ME#this is right before the cake scene AKA the scene where scott intentionally makes jimmy scared for his life and then treats that reasonable#fear as pure paranoia and tries to bully jimmy into something which is making him feel unsafe#look im trying not to say anyones interpretation is wrong but im just. so shocked that people can treat cute healthy domestic 3L!FH as cano#flower husbands crit#<- finally giving in#trafficblr#3rd life#3rd life smp#smajor flaws
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when i have pms it tricks me into getting upset other people are having babies and that i am undesirable for this purpose. im childfree by choice. hormones are evil. And i have to remind myself i just want to be the centre of attention from a partner for being pregnant and get fussed over and not to raise kids selflessly. it would drive me insane.
#my worst nightmare is being forgotten about because all attention is going to a baby even if it's MY baby.#so yeah. i just know it would be a mistake to test it out in case i 'change my mind' like bro BY HAVING A WHOLE HUMAN???#as i say id rather vaguely ponder what could have been than have a baby and regret it and resent it like that would be my fault#i have hella mommy issues. they say not 2 hold grudges but well feeling emotionally unsafe as a kid = no grandchildren 4 u#tw pregnancy#tw babies#when u have no positive modelling of motherhood + your mom made being a mom seem like the most soul crushing depressing task on earth lol#tho it's ok cause funnily enough i do enjoy being a mommy. for grown men (sweet baby boys) so i get my uhm maternal kicks there
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but rationally Ik I’m going to be okay even though I feel like both a wilting flower and a black hole rn. Because 6 weeks ago my life was wonderful and I was extremely happy and not much has changed. And in 6 weeks again it will be spring which will utterly revive me. I’ll be okay. Seasonal depression is just so embarrassing
#I think it’s also now my friends are all just far away so I don’t rly get to see anyone#and even if I could I’m so so exhausted cos it’s winter#and I don’t wanna go outside because also. it’s winter#tho recently I saw an cold friend#who I also had a long term involvement with#and despite the fact he’s an absolute sweetheart we don’t have loads to talk about unless we’re fucking ashdjfka#but it was nice nonetheless and we hugged a couple of times which for me is rly nice#cos I have major major issues with touch so i can’t hug most people#basically it’s nice getting a hug from someone u can actually hug#this reminds me I need to invite Greeny over so we can have a lotr extended edition marathon#and have cuddles and lots of popcorn#one of the only other people I feel physically safe with……..#says a lot abt my mother/girl trauma tho#that I feel extremely unsafe emotionally and physically around women#and like it’s subconscious#cos I have friends I love lots and are wonderful but I cannot attach because they are women#so embarrassing only being able to attach to men
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the tug and pull of I don't want to force someone to open up / make them feel pressured to VS realizing that if they don't open up then I'm the only one making myself emotionally vulnerable anymore and our bond is losing that connection
#vent#it sucks man#like did i do or say something to make them feel unsafe being emotionally vulnerable?#is it a problem i can help fix or is it just something i need to lend time and patience to?#the latter. probably.#its just kinda sucky though when im told things are fine when the signs say otherwise#my intuition isnt usually wrong but it is clumsy#do i say something about it? because im tired of floundering and wondering if somethings up#and i guess worrying about it#really thats all it is i just dont want to worry abt stuff that isnt my problem#i just am so damn compelled to try to fix shit 😮💨 even when its not my shit to fix#i guess if it effects the relationship and me then its kinda my problem after all#cuz it does suck for me. i need emotional connectivity#but i dont want it if its forced#gugh. relationship hard.
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#honestly i think id be in a much better place mentally/emotionally if id never developed empathy#maybe i wasnt made for it or maybe its the fact that i started developing it at such a late age#but its like my brain can't handle it#it hurts#and theres things from my childhood that when i remember them i have to process them almost anew#because i didnt have to emotionally process them#or the emotional process was quick#i mean my dad and his fiancee broke up and had a huge fight and my dad threw a toaster and it broke her nose and he went to jail for a bit.#i dont like to talk about it because people get scared for me and i feel ashamed#but my dad has never done anything like that before or since (this was 6 or 7 years ago) and has never done anything to make me feel unsafe#in fact i feel safest around him#but yeah when my mom told me what happened i cried for a while and she tried to put me in therapy#but i didnt need the therapy#i had genuinely gotten over it#and now years later with my empathy fully developed and a more mature view of what happened im having to reprocess a lot#i just have such a different view of the world and am so much more and differently emotionally affected by things
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so like everyone has that one toxic relationship with their cousin right…it’s not just me right?
#i’m so emotionally exhausted#i’ve never know a love so inscrutable like loving her#if someone keeps telling you that you don’t love them ‘as a joke’ when you do that’s weird right????#it’s weird#i told her stop saying that coz it makes me uncomfy and weird#and she was like it’s a joke#and i’m like you say it too many times for it to be ‘a joke’ and some jokes have substance#and then she said i’m painting her as a bad person for making a joke???#like i’m just telling you that it makes me feel uncomfortable when you say that and all of a sudden i’m painting you as a bad person?!?????#am i acc in the wrong??#i wouldn’t even care if this was with anyone else but arguing with her feels soo unsafe#i could argue with my siblings/anyone and know that it will never change how much they love me or how they see me and treat me#but with her it just feels so awful and everything is so personal#my txt 🫣
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I am. Starting to regret signing up for an art table at my alma mater.
#i will not be able to have my recent short comic printed on demand from a very nice pod site so i may have to print at home again but#i can already feel the pressure from my former graphic design professor witholding his judgement#i am soooooo glad my abusive animation professor was fired because if i am somehat anxious about a professor#who wasnt my director than holy fuck i think i would backslide and freeze up and dissociate as fuck if my horri le director made a comment#on my art#aside from my graphic design professor im mostly enbarrassed that i havent made new art in between the last comic and now. i know it's okay#because i /have/ been preparing for my next short comic as well as going on submission so it's not like i havent been doing anything#i guess i just worry my colleagues and professors will look at my sad table and think “oh. she has bothing to show” like dang#i couls try and make two quick comic zines to sell#idk. I'll figure it out. hopefully#cw abuse? cw manipulation? idk how to tag my very abusive professor#it was definitely emotionally gaslighting and while i hadnt had the worse of it out of the other students i felt so unsafe by him#delete later
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#since I can’t physically hurt someone I’ll do it emotionally and cyber stalk them so they thrill I know everything. manipulate them so-#-that they think they are the most vile person alive. i will make them feel unsafe. uncared for. unwanted.#psychological is so much better anyways.#grey god#b
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'huh... You have abandonment issues? I thought that was usually something you got from childhood trauma. Were you abandoned as a child?'
Me, trying not to cry: haha, not in the usual sense?
#miranda talking shit#I never .... Thought i was outright abandoned but the more i think about it... Uh i may fall under that category#I mean i probably felt abandoned... Emotionally? By dad i was he was never around even if we shared house#But even by my mom who i love to death... When i was hurt both hit physically and emotionally she never... Did much to help me#So i probably felt abandoned. It might be why i actually didnt tell my mom anything important until i was 15+?#I always loved her and i dont blame her or have any ill will towards her but... I uh. Yeah i definitely felt alone in the sense no one#Protected me against the abuse i got so my survival tactic for that was... Dont open up to anyone bc they wont help or care anyway#Always try to appease everyone/be liked so they don't hurt you or leave. I mean im no expert but i dont think this is too crazy of a theory#I actually never considered it until i got asked this... And i looked at my past through that lens. I know my trauma was thanks to my#Siblings abuse for years. But i... Never considered WHY i have some typw of abandonment issues... And now im like uh#Oh i guess ... I was somehow abandonment... If not physically emotionally.... When i needed to be seen and protected#Ah... Oh ... Uh... I dont know how to feel about this... I always feel bad about calling my past ... A trauma or something bc i feel#Others have had it much worse. But i also dont know what else to call my childhood experience like... I was definitely constantly terrified#Never felt at ease or safe at home or at school... My mom was my safe space but she still couldnt protect me#Or rather she didn't see or understand i needed it? I dont think she thought it was as bad as i felt it was. Bc i never said what they said#Or did. I just cried... So she probably just thought they did some lighthearted teasing and i was a sensetive child#But uh... Instead i was hit and was put in unsafe situations bc they told me to do things. And the constant shit i was told#Hearing i was a fat ugly idiot who could not do anything right and i was basically a waste of space... Since i was 4 yrs old... I uh#I thought that was a fact. I still believe thats true. Yeah no i... /:#Negative
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MK 1 MEN REALIZE YOU’RE TOUCH STARVED
SUMMARY : Basically they’ve been super busy so they hadn’t been worried about sex until they realize how needy you really are. Fem reader.
WARNINGS : (MDNI)! praise, unsafe p in v, riding, cumming, some other stuff I probably forgot
MASTERLIST
LIU KANG
You were practically starving for intimacy. Your boyfriend, Liu Kang had his hands full with Earthrealm itself and you couldn’t even help him.
Liu Kang had forbid you to get involved in Earthrealm business because in the previous timeline, when Raiden brought you in it you had died. So, he wanted you to continue your normal life.
Though, Liu Kang made sure you were a worthy fighter just by the chance that maybe one of his enemies would try and hurt you. You would know how to defend yourself.
It had been weeks, close to a month. Liu Kang was there emotionally but was not there physically. You knew he was busy but god, did you think he wasn’t attracted to you anymore.
You were reading your book in the living room when you heard the door open. You didn’t bother to look up because you knew it was Liu Kang.
Liu Kang locked the door behind him. “Good evening, my love.” He walked over to you and gave you a kiss on the head. “How was your day?”
“Great until you got here.”
You were a very sarcastic individual so Liu Kang just took it as a sign that you were being sarcastic. Liu Kang sat beside you. “Did you eat today?”
Trying not to be annoyed was hard but you were so frustrated that you couldn’t hold it in. You slammed your book shut and got up from the couch. “I can’t even read a book in my own home.” You marched to your room.
Liu Kang now understood you were angry at him. He just didn’t understand why.
When you walked in the room, you shut the door and locked it. Then you turned around and there you faced the Fire God himself. You jumped back, startled. “I hate when you do that.”
“(Y/N), if I’ve done something wrong then you need to open up. We talked about this.”
That was true. Liu Kang did talk to you about you opening up more to him and communicating with him. It was just hard for you because you never really liked talking about your feelings. Especially embarrassing ones.
You sighed and placed the book on your dresser. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so mean to you. I’m just…frustrated.”
Liu Kang gently took your hands in his. “Whatever it is, we can face it together. Tell me what has you so frustrated.”
You bit your lip, not wanting to even look at him. “It’s just…you haven’t really…” You trailed off. Lucky and unlucky for you, Liu Kang was a patient man and he waited for you to say it. “You know…and I just feel touch starved.”
Liu Kang now understood what you meant and he could only smile. “I’m sorry, my love. I did not mean to. I am God and because I’ve been alive for so long, I don’t really have the physical needs as you do.” He brought you closer to his warmth. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t take care of you.” Liu Kang gave you a sweet kiss on the lips. “Next time, just ask.”
You smiled shyly. “It’s embarrassing to ask…”
“You should feel comfortable to ask me.”
“Well technically you’re the one that made me so uncomfortable, creator so who’s really at fault here? So ha!”
Liu Kang shook his head and gave you a kiss on the forehead. “You, my one and only, are so strange.”
You were in a panting mess. Liu Kang was on top of you while you laid on your back. Your moans were uncontrollable and you were mad at him again for making you wait so long to feel like this.
Liu Kang watched you pant and he was mad at himself that he made you wait so long to feel this good.
Having sex with a god was always more pleasurable because well, he was a god. It was so much easier to get you to cum. It only took three minutes. Sometimes even two.
“Keep going, love. You’re almost there.” Liu Kang told you.
You made short breaths out as you were close to your release. You felt all around Liu Kang’s chest trying to hold onto something. “Oh, god. Oh Liu. I can’t.”
Liu Kang kissed your lips. He knew that sex with him was ten times more pleasure able than if he were human. “Breathe in and out, my love.” He watched as you took some breaths in and out. He caressed the left side of your face. “You’re doing so good.”
You felt your release close. “I’m so close. Please.”
“I got you.” Liu Kang held onto your thighs and continued to go at his slow and hard pace. “Cum on me, my love.”
You felt the wave of your orgasm wash all over you. Liu Kang didn’t stop until you had came over him completely.
He pulled out of you. Then leaned down to kiss you on your lips. His lips then went to your neck and your shoulder. “Never make me wait that long again.” You told him.
Liu Kang chuckled against kissing your skin. “I won’t, lovely.”
JOHNNY CAGE
You never thought in your life span that you would crave for Johnny Cage but you did. He was your boyfriend now so you should’ve been used to the feeling.
But it had been a whole week. A week that Johnny did not have intimacy with you which you found to be extremely weird. I mean you two would have sex at least five times a week so you could not believe he wasn’t on you.
You had to be the stay at home girlfriend while he made his new movie. You couldn’t even stand being around him anymore because that’s how touch starved you were.
But you were not going to initiate it because he always initiated it and you were not going to give him the satisfaction of how badly you wanted him.
You couldn’t hide your attitude towards him.
You finished making dinner. Johnny was back from work. “Babe! I’m back! It actually was better than yesterday.” He came into the kitchen and set his things on the counter.
Johnny came up behind you and hugged you. He kissed your cheek. “Damn you look hot cooking.”
Yup. You couldn’t hold your attitude back. You pushed his arms off of you. “Clearly, I don’t.” You mumbled under your breath.
He heard you though. He was confused. Of course you were. You were the hottest girl he knew. “What are you talking about, babe?”
You walked away from the stove and got out plates. You set them on the counter. “There’s dinner. I’m gonna take a nap.”
You walked into the bedroom and were about to close the door behind you but Johnny was too fast for you.
Johnny forced the door open and you rolled your eyes at him. You started walking over towards the bed, fixing the sheets while he stood in the doorway. “What’s up with you? Did I do something?”
“It’s what you didn’t do.”
Johnny looked at you completely confused. You were mad that he didn’t do something? “Baby, you gotta help me out here because I’m lost.”
You angrily folded the sheets before turning to look at him. “Are you cheating on me?”
Johnny’s eyes went wide at the accusation. “What?” He stepped closer in the room to close some of the distance. “(Y/N), I’m not cheating on you. What could possibly make you think that?”
You scoffed at him and you turned your attention back on the bed. “I highly doubt that thee Johnny Cage can go a week without having sex.”
That’s when Johnny put the puzzle pieces together. He laughed a little. “Babe, seriously?” He came up behind you and wrapped his arms around you. “Aw, I knew you wanted some of this Johnny Cage.”
You rolled your eyes and pushed him off of you. “No. I don’t. I’m just stating it’s weird.”
“(Y/N), I’ve just been busy with the movie. Nothing weird has been going on. I promise.” He went back behind you and wrapped his arms once again around you. He started to kiss your neck. “If you wanted me, you could’ve just said something.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s embarrassing.”
Johnny turned you around so you were facing him. He gave you an amused look. “Oh? So it’s embarrassing when I ask you all the time?”
You crossed your arms at him. “That’s different. You’re a man.”
“(Y/N). Just get your sexy ass in the bed.”
He watched you as you could barely ride him. It amused him a little. You were begging to have him but you were in too much pleasure to ride him the way you wanted.
Johnny didn’t have his hands on you as he wanted to see how far you could go without needing any help.
It wasn’t long.
“Oh my god. Johnny, I can’t.”
“You wanted this babe. You gotta ride me yourself.” He said smugly. He rubbed your nipples a little causing you to moan. “You tell me you love me though and I’ll help you.”
“I love you. I love you so much. Please. It feels too good.”
Johnny chuckled and grabbed onto your hips. He then started to move you up and down at a good fast pace. You weren’t doing any work. “I love you too, baby.”
You moaned loudly feeling your clit constantly hit him over and over again. “Yes. Please.”
Johnny let out a grunt at the new pace and your moans combined. “Damn I missed this.” His right hand traveled lower to smack your ass and then went back to your hip. “I’m never missing out on this again.”
Your hands were on his chest as you rode him. You felt yourself starting to inch close to your release. “I’m almost there. Oh shit. Yes.”
“Come on, baby. Cum on me. You can do it.”
His words made you lose it. You threw your head back. “I’m cumming. Oh god, Johnny.”
Johnny groaned as he felt you cum on him. He helped your ride out your entire orgasm. “There you go. I knew you could do it.”
You tried to control your panting as you sat on him. You didn’t make him pull out on you.
When he saw this, he rubbed your hips gently. “You alright, babe?”
You nodded. You leaned to kiss him on the lips and then you went back to riding his dick again. He moaned. “I want more.”
Johnny had no complaints.
RAIDEN
With Raiden being Earthrealm’s champion it made him quite busy. You didn’t like it. He didn’t have any time for you and you were getting quite touch starved. It had been two weeks.
You were even more pissed when you found out that he was in Outworld helping Princess Kitana with something. Oh, that enraged you.
You were jealous. I mean, Kitana was a princess and you were just some Earthrealmer. You couldn’t really compete with that.
Washing the dishes, Raiden walked into the house. “I’m so glad to be home.” He walked to where you were at and kissed you on the cheek. “Hello, my heart.” He started to rub your back soothingly. “I missed you.”
“Go miss Kitana.” You told him bluntly and pushed him off of you.
He looked at you very confused. Raiden turned off the water and forced you to look at him. “What are you talking about, (Y/N)?”
You sighed a little, feeling bad that you were rude to him. “Nothing.”
“Is something troubling you? You know you can always talk to me.”
You bit your lip, slightly embarrassed at what you were going to say. “It’s just…you haven’t been around to…” Raiden waited patiently to hear you. “Make love with me and I feel like all your attention is on Kitana.”
“Oh, my heart.” Raiden lifted your chin up and gave you a kiss on the lips. “Trust me, I would spend all my time with you if I could but Lord Liu Kang has me going on missions that pertain to Outworld.” Raiden started to kiss your neck with sweet kisses. “I would make love to you every day if I could.”
You sighed happily at the kisses that were being placed on your neck. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so snippy with you.”
Raiden shook his head as he faced you. “You’re frustrated. I understand. Allow me to make you feel better.”
Raiden was eating you out as you laid on your back, his head between your thighs. You tugged on his hair. He licked all the right places and sucked on your clit greedily.
You moaned loudly. His hands were on your thighs and he continued to eat you out like you were his last meal. One thing about Raiden was that he knew how to eat pussy.
“Raiden. Yes. Oh god.”
He lifted his head from your pussy and licked his fingers. He then placed the fingers on your clit and started to rub it in circles.
You moaned louder and played with your breasts. Raiden watched you and licked his lips as he saw you throw your head back.
Raiden leaned over and kissed you on the lips, making you taste yourself. He wasn’t really a big tongue kisser but when he was horny, Raiden was the best tongue kisser in the world.
He licked the bottom of your lip before licking all over in the inside of your mouth. You moaned and tried to use your own tongue but when you did, Raiden wrapped his lips around it and sucked all over it.
You moaned incoherent nonsense and Raiden pulled away. “You look so pretty like this.”
The circles on your clit didn’t stop. You rubbed all over his chest. “Raiden please. I’m so close.”
When you said that, Raiden kissed you one last time. “I can’t wait to taste all of you in my mouth.”
Raiden went back between your legs and ate you out again. You moaned at the harsh licks and the way he sucked on your clit at a steady pace.
“Raiden. Oh god. Raiden. I’m cumming.”
He ate you out through out the entirety of your orgasm. Even to the point when you were done. You tried to push him off of you. “Too sensitive.”
Raiden came up from pussy and kissed you on your breasts. “Come on, love. You can’t give me one more?”
You couldn’t help but give in to Raiden’s words. You nodded and he smiled before going back down on you.
#mortal kombat#mortal kombat x reader#mortal kombat 1#mk#mk1#liu kang#liu kang x reader#johnny cage#johnny cage x reader#raiden#raiden x reader#mk raiden#kitana
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Let People On Food Stamps Eat Hot Meals
Particularly on cold, rainy days (like today), while unhoused, sometimes all I want is a hot meal but it’s so difficult (if not impossible) to cook outside in the rain.
On top of this, I’m physically disabled and chronically ill. Medically, I’m supposed to have assistance with making meals as part of in home care. But I can’t get in home care without a home.
I just finished making dinner for my partner and I, it took 2 hours (3 if you include clean up). My knees are burning, my back is aching in it’s core, I feel like I’m about to faint, and all my joints are screaming. But it’s the only way we could have a hot meal today and get some protein, which is vital for our health conditions.
People judge us for using what little funds we have on McDonald’s some days. Because sometimes, it’s the only hot meal we’ve had in days. And sometimes I’m physically unable to stand, move, and do all the actions needed to cook. Or I faint while cooking. Or the rain doesn’t let up. Or we don’t have access to a kitchen for the day. Or the fire danger outside is too high. The list goes on.
Without my own kitchen to use, I don’t get to sit down while I cook (right now, everything is wet from the rain), I can’t meal prep, I can’t stock up on freezer meals, I can’t use an oven or a microwave to reheat leftovers, I can’t just reach across the kitchen for a fridge item (we have a small amount of fridge space friends let us use), everything about cooking is exponentially harder.
And even if I had 24/7 access to an accessible, full kitchen, it’s not even physically safe to cook my own meals. Even then, having a pre-made, hot, ready-to-eat meal could keep me safe and give me independance.
And all the safety needs for hot meals aside, emotionally, hot meals are also life saving and comfort. Meals are a part of community, culture, love and art.
So many gatherings we have as communities center around food. Most people in the United States would think of ones that often hold great value to Western culture. Mother’s Day breakfast. Spaghetti fundraisers. Wedding cakes. Birthday dinners. Bake sales. Carnival treats. BBQs on weekends. Holiday roasts. Lunches with friends. Casseroles brought to grieving neighbors.
Our world revolves around food.
I firmly believe that no poor person could ever “take advantage” of a system designed to feed us by using food stamps on hot food. This restrictive rule serves no purpose but to punish the most vulnerable of poor people— unhoused, disabled, and those of us living in unsafe conditions.
It also serves to restrict our access to joy and comfort. The joy can sometimes come from the food itself, but also the joy from having shared experiences solidified by the sounds of laughter and forks clinking on plates. The comfort can sometimes also be from the food itself, but also the experience of being loved and cared for while your close friend brings you pizza from your favorite restaurant because you lost your drive to eat three weeks ago and they worry about you. They know you. Those slices of pizza bring color back into your world.
Poor people deserve to be able to have the comfort, joy, and care that goes into a hot meal. We deserve the autonomy to choose foods that are best for us ourselves. We deserve to be able to eat in ways that are accessible to us.
Above all, we deserve access to hot meals.
Originally posted to my blog on 6.3.22
#disability#chronically couchbound#disabled#cripple punk#cripplepunk#disabled pride#disability pride#unhoused#homelessness#poverty#homeless#housing crisis#houselessness#houseless#ebt#ebt food stamps#foodstamps#food stamps#food stamps ebt#poor#food pantries#food banks#food bank#homeless youth#disabled homeless#food sovereignty#poor rights#unhoused rights#homeless rights#chronic homelessness
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@pink-pearl-plain-jeans took a few days but here. hope this is something you actually wanted lol. this is lowkey a ramble but it is an informed ramble.
First, you are gonna seriously regret asking me, because I have nearly 300 hours logged between these two games and half a masters degree in clinical psychology.
Second, to be fair, you don't have know a lot about ballroom dancing -- I know almost nothing. Toward the end of Step 4 on Baxter's route, he will joke to Jamie about the irony of ballroom dancing, which requires both a partner and a certain level of intimacy, is his most beloved hobby, when the ability to form close, intimate relationships is his biggest struggle.
Baxter is a pretty good example of what disorganized, or fearful-avoidant, attachment looks like in adults. He both desperately wants to form emotional connections with others and intensely fears those same attachments, viewing them as inherently unsafe and unstable. The player can see this in the way Baxter attempts to form lots of superficial connections where he overshares personal details while also being evasive about his deeper feelings. He is aware that he needs some level of human interaction and works to fill that need without leaving himself vulnerable to being hurt or abandoned. This can occur in individuals who had inconsistent parents growing up. Baxter's relationship to dancing mirrors his emotional progression with attachment to others.
As a child, he has a stable group of friends and dances at the country club competitively, and thus likely has a stable, consistent partner with whom he performs. We know very little about Mr. and Mrs. Ward, except for the following:
They are older.
They are wealthy, and likely old money.
They are bigoted, like being queerphobic and racist.
They expected Baxter to behave with greater maturity than would have been typical for his age and "at times, as if he was even older [than them]."
He did not want to spend his first summer after college with them, so they shipped him off to a tiny beachside tourist town, either not caring or not knowing that he is petrified of the ocean.
Something about Baxter would be a problem, and they would hate him if he were someone else's child.
From this, we can garner a few things. The first is that the Wards were likely emotionally immature, possibly parentified him, and likely played "it's okay if it's you" card. When we meet Baxter as a child in OLNF, he is clearly very fond of Qiu, Ren, and possibly Tamarack and Franky as well. These relationships likely provided insulation from parents who alternated between being emotionally distant and overcontrolling. It also makes sense that Baxter would be drawn to younger children here. Baxter chalks it up to his own immaturity, but I would argue that it is in fact because he is precocious that he chooses a younger friend group. Kids his own age would likely be put off by his attitude and may take it as condescending, whereas younger children would appreciate him as older and wiser. Additionally, younger children give him the opportunity to play and engage in silly antics that he may have missed out the first time.
I also wouldn't be surprised if there was some cognitive dissonance as well, since his parents probably espoused queerphobic ideals while also professing to love Baxter, who himself is bisexual and knew very well that he was attracted to boys by the age of 12. Given this, and the amount of bitterness with which he later speaks about them, it also would not surprise me if they had some influence on his drifting apart from Ren and Qiu as they got older. Not that this has to be the case, but I could see Baxter avoiding bringing his very-visibly queer friends (including one who is also a POC) around his parents to avoid hurting them.
He grows up and appears in OLBA as a teen who is somewhat adrift. He doesn't appear to have a stable friend group or sense of identity, and he has limited his contact with his parents to the minimum amount that he feels obligated to contact them. Now, shifting identity is pretty normal for young adults, but Baxter's seems less stable than it should be. What I actually thought was really interesting is the subtle shift between Baxter as he presents himself and as he actually is. He presents himself as accommodating, complimentary, confident, and friendly. The person he actually is -- the one he thinks no one will like -- is sardonic, self-effacing, mischievous, and lonely. In his desire to be included, he avoids imposing his will on others -- Jamie can even convince him to wear a swimsuit and go into the ocean if they really want, something he is terrified to do. He is only able to be genuine if either (a) Jamie has made an explicit effort to show him he is accepted or (b) he is emotionally dysregulated enough that he is unable to keep up the charade
Anyway, at this point, he is presumably no longer competing, and no longer has a steady partner. In his first interaction with Jamie and Cove, he is immediately offering to be their partner, which is a deliberate double-entendre. He comes on strong, because he needs the relationship to begin quickly in order the get what he needs out of it. He has no intention of actually taking the time to get to know people or build a genuine connection with them. It's about control here. Also note that he offers this with the implication that he would be teaching them to dance. Even in asking for a temporary connection, he's framing it as him offering a service in exchange for their company because he doesn't see himself as valuable on his own (Qiu also does this btw). In summary, he is dancing with people he barely knows because while the steps won't be familiar or comforting, he doesn't have to worry about mistakes either. (dun dun dun, the mortifying ordeal of being known!)
As an adult, he shifts this into a more formalized version. He isn't stupid, nor does he enjoy hurting people. He knows that most people are unwilling to abandon relationships so quickly, and he knows he's hurt people. The thing about attachment styles is that you can develop a secure attachment style as an adult. The problem is that you do this by essentially re-parenting yourself. Learning to treat himself with self-compassion is really difficult, though, because that's a learned skill. He needs community or a therapist. The problem is that because of his disorganized attachment style, forming a community is difficult and he would probably also have trouble finding a therapist because that would require a level of vulnerability that he struggles with. Baxter also heavily relies on avoidance as a coping mechanism. When he enters into a relationship, because he is primed to view them as unpredictable and conditional, it activates his fight-flight-freeze response. He then attempts to escape the situation by (a) leaving, (b) ghosting/ignoring, and (c) distancing himself using social niceties to avoid confrontation. If he is cornered (like the end of step 3), he switches to fight mode and becomes caustic. This may indicate that if he entered a therapeutic relationship, he is likely to end therapy prematurely to avoid thinking about his loneliness and attachment issues.
So, because he knows he hurts people by doing all of this, and because he doesn't know how to maintain a relationship, he formalizes the arrangement. People literally pay him for a service (planning) and because he is "in" on such an intimate event, he still gets the feeling of getting to know people and be included, without the emotional risk. Same thing with dancing.
That's why dancing with him after the wedding is such a big deal. Yes, it's a callback to a very special moment for Baxter, but it's also a metaphor for re-entering a relationship. He's been looking at and judging his relationships on the ruptures not the repairs, and to be able to repair a relationship after the mask has come off, the set's been wrecked, and the crowd is gone means that he has lived a lonely life for no reason.
Anyway, all this is to say that Cove was 100% right when he clocked that Baxter was insincere and interacted with people in a really weird way. No one listened though.
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