#I feel so emotionally unsafe

[teardropsonsmyguitar]

.

[novadreii]

Every day, I meditate on my anger and bitterness. I reflect on my seemingly bottomless need to ruminate on all the people who have abused and traumatized me starting from a young age. The unfairness of it all. The senselessness. I grieve for myself as a little girl who desperately wanted to be love and be loved, and whose desperation was like blood in water to sharks.

I send quiet internal prayers out to the universe and ask it to lessen my anger, because I truly don't think I need it anymore. I'm safe from harmful people for arguably the first time in my entire life. I have friends and family whom I love. I have cultivated a sense of self-love so all-encompassing that no other person will likely ever be able to rival it. I am safe. I'm okay. I'm happy. I don't need my anger anymore.

I reflect on how to this day my mother, who I had to cut off for my own sanity, is a bitter, miserable woman now in her 60s. How eerily my personality and potential echo hers. Her and I both were deeply wounded over and over, starting at young ages by our mothers. We both jump to rage when we are hurt, we both ruminate endlessly about those who hurt us, replaying the painful mental movies over and over again, hurting ourselves long after the harmful people have gone.

I see her in me, and I see what I have the potential to become if I don't release my resentment. It's hard to let go of something that has kept you safe in the past. My anger has time and time again scared off abusers, once they realize it makes me too unstable, unpredictable, and therefore difficult to control.

But I don't need it right now. It's best to internally send well wishes to all who have hurt me, because it takes someone equally hurt and dysfunctional to mistreat others. The only way I don't end up as one of them, to not end up a carbon copy of my mother, is to let the resentment go.

I've undertaken several self/life improvement projects that will hopefully bear fruit in early 2025. Not jinxing anything by talking about it yet, but I'm excited. I'm ready to look towards the future and leave my past where it belongs, and I do this with love and acceptance.

[e1dritchqueer]

.

[ty-bayonet-betteridge]

they make me ILL

[futurewife]

when i have pms it tricks me into getting upset other people are having babies and that i am undesirable for this purpose. im childfree by choice. hormones are evil. And i have to remind myself i just want to be the centre of attention from a partner for being pregnant and get fussed over and not to raise kids selflessly. it would drive me insane.

[rowanhoney]

but rationally Ik I’m going to be okay even though I feel like both a wilting flower and a black hole rn. Because 6 weeks ago my life was wonderful and I was extremely happy and not much has changed. And in 6 weeks again it will be spring which will utterly revive me. I’ll be okay. Seasonal depression is just so embarrassing

[forehead451]

.

[nebucat]

the tug and pull of I don't want to force someone to open up / make them feel pressured to VS realizing that if they don't open up then I'm the only one making myself emotionally vulnerable anymore and our bond is losing that connection

[spoopy-sloth]

I am. Starting to regret signing up for an art table at my alma mater.

[zombienarc]

-

[mrfoox]

'huh... You have abandonment issues? I thought that was usually something you got from childhood trauma. Were you abandoned as a child?'

Me, trying not to cry: haha, not in the usual sense?

[theemissuniverse]

MK 1 MEN REALIZE YOU’RE TOUCH STARVED

SUMMARY : Basically they’ve been super busy so they hadn’t been worried about sex until they realize how needy you really are. Fem reader.

WARNINGS : (MDNI)! praise, unsafe p in v, riding, cumming, some other stuff I probably forgot

MASTERLIST

LIU KANG

You were practically starving for intimacy. Your boyfriend, Liu Kang had his hands full with Earthrealm itself and you couldn’t even help him.

Liu Kang had forbid you to get involved in Earthrealm business because in the previous timeline, when Raiden brought you in it you had died. So, he wanted you to continue your normal life.

Though, Liu Kang made sure you were a worthy fighter just by the chance that maybe one of his enemies would try and hurt you. You would know how to defend yourself.

It had been weeks, close to a month. Liu Kang was there emotionally but was not there physically. You knew he was busy but god, did you think he wasn’t attracted to you anymore.

You were reading your book in the living room when you heard the door open. You didn’t bother to look up because you knew it was Liu Kang.

Liu Kang locked the door behind him. “Good evening, my love.” He walked over to you and gave you a kiss on the head. “How was your day?”

“Great until you got here.”

You were a very sarcastic individual so Liu Kang just took it as a sign that you were being sarcastic. Liu Kang sat beside you. “Did you eat today?”

Trying not to be annoyed was hard but you were so frustrated that you couldn’t hold it in. You slammed your book shut and got up from the couch. “I can’t even read a book in my own home.” You marched to your room.

Liu Kang now understood you were angry at him. He just didn’t understand why.

When you walked in the room, you shut the door and locked it. Then you turned around and there you faced the Fire God himself. You jumped back, startled. “I hate when you do that.”

“(Y/N), if I’ve done something wrong then you need to open up. We talked about this.”

That was true. Liu Kang did talk to you about you opening up more to him and communicating with him. It was just hard for you because you never really liked talking about your feelings. Especially embarrassing ones.

You sighed and placed the book on your dresser. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so mean to you. I’m just…frustrated.”

Liu Kang gently took your hands in his. “Whatever it is, we can face it together. Tell me what has you so frustrated.”

You bit your lip, not wanting to even look at him. “It’s just…you haven’t really…” You trailed off. Lucky and unlucky for you, Liu Kang was a patient man and he waited for you to say it. “You know…and I just feel touch starved.”

Liu Kang now understood what you meant and he could only smile. “I’m sorry, my love. I did not mean to. I am God and because I’ve been alive for so long, I don’t really have the physical needs as you do.” He brought you closer to his warmth. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t take care of you.” Liu Kang gave you a sweet kiss on the lips. “Next time, just ask.”

You smiled shyly. “It’s embarrassing to ask…”

“You should feel comfortable to ask me.”

“Well technically you’re the one that made me so uncomfortable, creator so who’s really at fault here? So ha!”

Liu Kang shook his head and gave you a kiss on the forehead. “You, my one and only, are so strange.”

You were in a panting mess. Liu Kang was on top of you while you laid on your back. Your moans were uncontrollable and you were mad at him again for making you wait so long to feel like this.

Liu Kang watched you pant and he was mad at himself that he made you wait so long to feel this good.

Having sex with a god was always more pleasurable because well, he was a god. It was so much easier to get you to cum. It only took three minutes. Sometimes even two.

“Keep going, love. You’re almost there.” Liu Kang told you.

You made short breaths out as you were close to your release. You felt all around Liu Kang’s chest trying to hold onto something. “Oh, god. Oh Liu. I can’t.”

Liu Kang kissed your lips. He knew that sex with him was ten times more pleasure able than if he were human. “Breathe in and out, my love.” He watched as you took some breaths in and out. He caressed the left side of your face. “You’re doing so good.”

You felt your release close. “I’m so close. Please.”

“I got you.” Liu Kang held onto your thighs and continued to go at his slow and hard pace. “Cum on me, my love.”

You felt the wave of your orgasm wash all over you. Liu Kang didn’t stop until you had came over him completely.

He pulled out of you. Then leaned down to kiss you on your lips. His lips then went to your neck and your shoulder. “Never make me wait that long again.” You told him.

Liu Kang chuckled against kissing your skin. “I won’t, lovely.”

JOHNNY CAGE

You never thought in your life span that you would crave for Johnny Cage but you did. He was your boyfriend now so you should’ve been used to the feeling.

But it had been a whole week. A week that Johnny did not have intimacy with you which you found to be extremely weird. I mean you two would have sex at least five times a week so you could not believe he wasn’t on you.

You had to be the stay at home girlfriend while he made his new movie. You couldn’t even stand being around him anymore because that’s how touch starved you were.

But you were not going to initiate it because he always initiated it and you were not going to give him the satisfaction of how badly you wanted him.

You couldn’t hide your attitude towards him.

You finished making dinner. Johnny was back from work. “Babe! I’m back! It actually was better than yesterday.” He came into the kitchen and set his things on the counter.

Johnny came up behind you and hugged you. He kissed your cheek. “Damn you look hot cooking.”

Yup. You couldn’t hold your attitude back. You pushed his arms off of you. “Clearly, I don’t.” You mumbled under your breath.

He heard you though. He was confused. Of course you were. You were the hottest girl he knew. “What are you talking about, babe?”

You walked away from the stove and got out plates. You set them on the counter. “There’s dinner. I’m gonna take a nap.”

You walked into the bedroom and were about to close the door behind you but Johnny was too fast for you.

Johnny forced the door open and you rolled your eyes at him. You started walking over towards the bed, fixing the sheets while he stood in the doorway. “What’s up with you? Did I do something?”

“It’s what you didn’t do.”

Johnny looked at you completely confused. You were mad that he didn’t do something? “Baby, you gotta help me out here because I’m lost.”

You angrily folded the sheets before turning to look at him. “Are you cheating on me?”

Johnny’s eyes went wide at the accusation. “What?” He stepped closer in the room to close some of the distance. “(Y/N), I’m not cheating on you. What could possibly make you think that?”

You scoffed at him and you turned your attention back on the bed. “I highly doubt that thee Johnny Cage can go a week without having sex.”

That’s when Johnny put the puzzle pieces together. He laughed a little. “Babe, seriously?” He came up behind you and wrapped his arms around you. “Aw, I knew you wanted some of this Johnny Cage.”

You rolled your eyes and pushed him off of you. “No. I don’t. I’m just stating it’s weird.”

“(Y/N), I’ve just been busy with the movie. Nothing weird has been going on. I promise.” He went back behind you and wrapped his arms once again around you. He started to kiss your neck. “If you wanted me, you could’ve just said something.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s embarrassing.”

Johnny turned you around so you were facing him. He gave you an amused look. “Oh? So it’s embarrassing when I ask you all the time?”

You crossed your arms at him. “That’s different. You’re a man.”

“(Y/N). Just get your sexy ass in the bed.”

He watched you as you could barely ride him. It amused him a little. You were begging to have him but you were in too much pleasure to ride him the way you wanted.

Johnny didn’t have his hands on you as he wanted to see how far you could go without needing any help.

It wasn’t long.

“Oh my god. Johnny, I can’t.”

“You wanted this babe. You gotta ride me yourself.” He said smugly. He rubbed your nipples a little causing you to moan. “You tell me you love me though and I’ll help you.”

“I love you. I love you so much. Please. It feels too good.”

Johnny chuckled and grabbed onto your hips. He then started to move you up and down at a good fast pace. You weren’t doing any work. “I love you too, baby.”

You moaned loudly feeling your clit constantly hit him over and over again. “Yes. Please.”

Johnny let out a grunt at the new pace and your moans combined. “Damn I missed this.” His right hand traveled lower to smack your ass and then went back to your hip. “I’m never missing out on this again.”

Your hands were on his chest as you rode him. You felt yourself starting to inch close to your release. “I’m almost there. Oh shit. Yes.”

“Come on, baby. Cum on me. You can do it.”

His words made you lose it. You threw your head back. “I’m cumming. Oh god, Johnny.”

Johnny groaned as he felt you cum on him. He helped your ride out your entire orgasm. “There you go. I knew you could do it.”

You tried to control your panting as you sat on him. You didn’t make him pull out on you.

When he saw this, he rubbed your hips gently. “You alright, babe?”

You nodded. You leaned to kiss him on the lips and then you went back to riding his dick again. He moaned. “I want more.”

Johnny had no complaints.

RAIDEN

With Raiden being Earthrealm’s champion it made him quite busy. You didn’t like it. He didn’t have any time for you and you were getting quite touch starved. It had been two weeks.

You were even more pissed when you found out that he was in Outworld helping Princess Kitana with something. Oh, that enraged you.

You were jealous. I mean, Kitana was a princess and you were just some Earthrealmer. You couldn’t really compete with that.

Washing the dishes, Raiden walked into the house. “I’m so glad to be home.” He walked to where you were at and kissed you on the cheek. “Hello, my heart.” He started to rub your back soothingly. “I missed you.”

“Go miss Kitana.” You told him bluntly and pushed him off of you.

He looked at you very confused. Raiden turned off the water and forced you to look at him. “What are you talking about, (Y/N)?”

You sighed a little, feeling bad that you were rude to him. “Nothing.”

“Is something troubling you? You know you can always talk to me.”

You bit your lip, slightly embarrassed at what you were going to say. “It’s just…you haven’t been around to…” Raiden waited patiently to hear you. “Make love with me and I feel like all your attention is on Kitana.”

“Oh, my heart.” Raiden lifted your chin up and gave you a kiss on the lips. “Trust me, I would spend all my time with you if I could but Lord Liu Kang has me going on missions that pertain to Outworld.” Raiden started to kiss your neck with sweet kisses. “I would make love to you every day if I could.”

You sighed happily at the kisses that were being placed on your neck. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so snippy with you.”

Raiden shook his head as he faced you. “You’re frustrated. I understand. Allow me to make you feel better.”

Raiden was eating you out as you laid on your back, his head between your thighs. You tugged on his hair. He licked all the right places and sucked on your clit greedily.

You moaned loudly. His hands were on your thighs and he continued to eat you out like you were his last meal. One thing about Raiden was that he knew how to eat pussy.

“Raiden. Yes. Oh god.”

He lifted his head from your pussy and licked his fingers. He then placed the fingers on your clit and started to rub it in circles.

You moaned louder and played with your breasts. Raiden watched you and licked his lips as he saw you throw your head back.

Raiden leaned over and kissed you on the lips, making you taste yourself. He wasn’t really a big tongue kisser but when he was horny, Raiden was the best tongue kisser in the world.

He licked the bottom of your lip before licking all over in the inside of your mouth. You moaned and tried to use your own tongue but when you did, Raiden wrapped his lips around it and sucked all over it.

You moaned incoherent nonsense and Raiden pulled away. “You look so pretty like this.”

The circles on your clit didn’t stop. You rubbed all over his chest. “Raiden please. I’m so close.”

When you said that, Raiden kissed you one last time. “I can’t wait to taste all of you in my mouth.”

Raiden went back between your legs and ate you out again. You moaned at the harsh licks and the way he sucked on your clit at a steady pace.

“Raiden. Oh god. Raiden. I’m cumming.”

He ate you out through out the entirety of your orgasm. Even to the point when you were done. You tried to push him off of you. “Too sensitive.”

Raiden came up from pussy and kissed you on your breasts. “Come on, love. You can’t give me one more?”

You couldn’t help but give in to Raiden’s words. You nodded and he smiled before going back down on you.

[mycurrentobsessionis]

@pink-pearl-plain-jeans took a few days but here. hope this is something you actually wanted lol. this is lowkey a ramble but it is an informed ramble.

First, you are gonna seriously regret asking me, because I have nearly 300 hours logged between these two games and half a masters degree in clinical psychology.

Second, to be fair, you don't have know a lot about ballroom dancing -- I know almost nothing. Toward the end of Step 4 on Baxter's route, he will joke to Jamie about the irony of ballroom dancing, which requires both a partner and a certain level of intimacy, is his most beloved hobby, when the ability to form close, intimate relationships is his biggest struggle.

Baxter is a pretty good example of what disorganized, or fearful-avoidant, attachment looks like in adults. He both desperately wants to form emotional connections with others and intensely fears those same attachments, viewing them as inherently unsafe and unstable. The player can see this in the way Baxter attempts to form lots of superficial connections where he overshares personal details while also being evasive about his deeper feelings. He is aware that he needs some level of human interaction and works to fill that need without leaving himself vulnerable to being hurt or abandoned. This can occur in individuals who had inconsistent parents growing up. Baxter's relationship to dancing mirrors his emotional progression with attachment to others.

As a child, he has a stable group of friends and dances at the country club competitively, and thus likely has a stable, consistent partner with whom he performs. We know very little about Mr. and Mrs. Ward, except for the following:

They are older.

They are wealthy, and likely old money.

They are bigoted, like being queerphobic and racist.

They expected Baxter to behave with greater maturity than would have been typical for his age and "at times, as if he was even older [than them]."

He did not want to spend his first summer after college with them, so they shipped him off to a tiny beachside tourist town, either not caring or not knowing that he is petrified of the ocean.

Something about Baxter would be a problem, and they would hate him if he were someone else's child.

From this, we can garner a few things. The first is that the Wards were likely emotionally immature, possibly parentified him, and likely played "it's okay if it's you" card. When we meet Baxter as a child in OLNF, he is clearly very fond of Qiu, Ren, and possibly Tamarack and Franky as well. These relationships likely provided insulation from parents who alternated between being emotionally distant and overcontrolling. It also makes sense that Baxter would be drawn to younger children here. Baxter chalks it up to his own immaturity, but I would argue that it is in fact because he is precocious that he chooses a younger friend group. Kids his own age would likely be put off by his attitude and may take it as condescending, whereas younger children would appreciate him as older and wiser. Additionally, younger children give him the opportunity to play and engage in silly antics that he may have missed out the first time.

I also wouldn't be surprised if there was some cognitive dissonance as well, since his parents probably espoused queerphobic ideals while also professing to love Baxter, who himself is bisexual and knew very well that he was attracted to boys by the age of 12. Given this, and the amount of bitterness with which he later speaks about them, it also would not surprise me if they had some influence on his drifting apart from Ren and Qiu as they got older. Not that this has to be the case, but I could see Baxter avoiding bringing his very-visibly queer friends (including one who is also a POC) around his parents to avoid hurting them.

He grows up and appears in OLBA as a teen who is somewhat adrift. He doesn't appear to have a stable friend group or sense of identity, and he has limited his contact with his parents to the minimum amount that he feels obligated to contact them. Now, shifting identity is pretty normal for young adults, but Baxter's seems less stable than it should be. What I actually thought was really interesting is the subtle shift between Baxter as he presents himself and as he actually is. He presents himself as accommodating, complimentary, confident, and friendly. The person he actually is -- the one he thinks no one will like -- is sardonic, self-effacing, mischievous, and lonely. In his desire to be included, he avoids imposing his will on others -- Jamie can even convince him to wear a swimsuit and go into the ocean if they really want, something he is terrified to do. He is only able to be genuine if either (a) Jamie has made an explicit effort to show him he is accepted or (b) he is emotionally dysregulated enough that he is unable to keep up the charade

Anyway, at this point, he is presumably no longer competing, and no longer has a steady partner. In his first interaction with Jamie and Cove, he is immediately offering to be their partner, which is a deliberate double-entendre. He comes on strong, because he needs the relationship to begin quickly in order the get what he needs out of it. He has no intention of actually taking the time to get to know people or build a genuine connection with them. It's about control here. Also note that he offers this with the implication that he would be teaching them to dance. Even in asking for a temporary connection, he's framing it as him offering a service in exchange for their company because he doesn't see himself as valuable on his own (Qiu also does this btw). In summary, he is dancing with people he barely knows because while the steps won't be familiar or comforting, he doesn't have to worry about mistakes either. (dun dun dun, the mortifying ordeal of being known!)

As an adult, he shifts this into a more formalized version. He isn't stupid, nor does he enjoy hurting people. He knows that most people are unwilling to abandon relationships so quickly, and he knows he's hurt people. The thing about attachment styles is that you can develop a secure attachment style as an adult. The problem is that you do this by essentially re-parenting yourself. Learning to treat himself with self-compassion is really difficult, though, because that's a learned skill. He needs community or a therapist. The problem is that because of his disorganized attachment style, forming a community is difficult and he would probably also have trouble finding a therapist because that would require a level of vulnerability that he struggles with. Baxter also heavily relies on avoidance as a coping mechanism. When he enters into a relationship, because he is primed to view them as unpredictable and conditional, it activates his fight-flight-freeze response. He then attempts to escape the situation by (a) leaving, (b) ghosting/ignoring, and (c) distancing himself using social niceties to avoid confrontation. If he is cornered (like the end of step 3), he switches to fight mode and becomes caustic. This may indicate that if he entered a therapeutic relationship, he is likely to end therapy prematurely to avoid thinking about his loneliness and attachment issues.

So, because he knows he hurts people by doing all of this, and because he doesn't know how to maintain a relationship, he formalizes the arrangement. People literally pay him for a service (planning) and because he is "in" on such an intimate event, he still gets the feeling of getting to know people and be included, without the emotional risk. Same thing with dancing.

That's why dancing with him after the wedding is such a big deal. Yes, it's a callback to a very special moment for Baxter, but it's also a metaphor for re-entering a relationship. He's been looking at and judging his relationships on the ruptures not the repairs, and to be able to repair a relationship after the mask has come off, the set's been wrecked, and the crowd is gone means that he has lived a lonely life for no reason.

Anyway, all this is to say that Cove was 100% right when he clocked that Baxter was insincere and interacted with people in a really weird way. No one listened though.

[chronicallycouchbound]

Let People On Food Stamps Eat Hot Meals

Particularly on cold, rainy days (like today), while unhoused, sometimes all I want is a hot meal but it’s so difficult (if not impossible) to cook outside in the rain.

On top of this, I’m physically disabled and chronically ill. Medically, I’m supposed to have assistance with making meals as part of in home care. But I can’t get in home care without a home.

I just finished making dinner for my partner and I, it took 2 hours (3 if you include clean up). My knees are burning, my back is aching in it’s core, I feel like I’m about to faint, and all my joints are screaming. But it’s the only way we could have a hot meal today and get some protein, which is vital for our health conditions.

People judge us for using what little funds we have on McDonald’s some days. Because sometimes, it’s the only hot meal we’ve had in days. And sometimes I’m physically unable to stand, move, and do all the actions needed to cook. Or I faint while cooking. Or the rain doesn’t let up. Or we don’t have access to a kitchen for the day. Or the fire danger outside is too high. The list goes on.

Without my own kitchen to use, I don’t get to sit down while I cook (right now, everything is wet from the rain), I can’t meal prep, I can’t stock up on freezer meals, I can’t use an oven or a microwave to reheat leftovers, I can’t just reach across the kitchen for a fridge item (we have a small amount of fridge space friends let us use), everything about cooking is exponentially harder.

And even if I had 24/7 access to an accessible, full kitchen, it’s not even physically safe to cook my own meals. Even then, having a pre-made, hot, ready-to-eat meal could keep me safe and give me independance.

And all the safety needs for hot meals aside, emotionally, hot meals are also life saving and comfort. Meals are a part of community, culture, love and art.

So many gatherings we have as communities center around food. Most people in the United States would think of ones that often hold great value to Western culture. Mother’s Day breakfast. Spaghetti fundraisers. Wedding cakes. Birthday dinners. Bake sales. Carnival treats. BBQs on weekends. Holiday roasts. Lunches with friends. Casseroles brought to grieving neighbors.

Our world revolves around food.

I firmly believe that no poor person could ever “take advantage” of a system designed to feed us by using food stamps on hot food. This restrictive rule serves no purpose but to punish the most vulnerable of poor people— unhoused, disabled, and those of us living in unsafe conditions.

It also serves to restrict our access to joy and comfort. The joy can sometimes come from the food itself, but also the joy from having shared experiences solidified by the sounds of laughter and forks clinking on plates. The comfort can sometimes also be from the food itself, but also the experience of being loved and cared for while your close friend brings you pizza from your favorite restaurant because you lost your drive to eat three weeks ago and they worry about you. They know you. Those slices of pizza bring color back into your world.

Poor people deserve to be able to have the comfort, joy, and care that goes into a hot meal. We deserve the autonomy to choose foods that are best for us ourselves. We deserve to be able to eat in ways that are accessible to us.

Above all, we deserve access to hot meals.

Originally posted to my blog on 6.3.22

[da-mous]

I've learned in the last few months that taking care of yourself is loving yourself

I don't post about my personal life here, but I believe there's value in telling this story. I will keep things vague in the interest of the privacy of everyone involved

A couple months ago, some trusted roommates very suddenly started treating me in a way that made me feel unsafe in my own home and heavily triggered my CPTSD

I coped with the situation by falling into and clinging hard to a severe video game/phone addiction that I failed to kick for months. I stayed addicted even after I moved into a new place and no longer had to be in contact with my roommates. I stopped taking care of myself, my work, and my relationships with others, which I became damagingly emotionally dependent on. I was an unstable emotional wreck around others

Every time I ignored my health, my needs, and the things that mattered most to me, I was effectively telling myself I wasn't worth those things. I was building up a mountain of self-loathing, and I would express anger with myself or others over little things like losing at a game. I became insecure and jealous in my connections with others because I didn't believe I was good enough. More often than not I didn't process the gravity of the emotions I was bringing to my loved ones because instead I kept myself constantly distracted by my addiction

I went on like this until I did something with consequences I couldn't ignore and that I can't undo. It shocked me awake, and suddenly I had to confront the enormity of the guilt and self-loathing I had been building up. I had become a person I was deeply not proud of, which took me to a dangerous place mentally

(It's taken work but I am in a much better place now, so please don't worry)

CPTSD and addiction and any disability are extremely hard, and the work you're able to put in may look different from other people, but I now believe strongly that if you don't put in the effort for yourself, whatever that looks like for you, you won't love yourself. You might even hate yourself and severely hurt people you love

Inaction cultivates self-loathing

Effort is love. Cooking for yourself is loving yourself, cleaning yourself and your home is loving yourself, working toward your goals is loving yourself

I promise you:

You are worth work

You are worth love

[loveundrwrld]

yandere ex bully’s yandere alphabet!

i got the template from this post :)

(cws: violence, mentions of bullying, mention of dysfunctional/abusive family dynamics, stalking)

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

starts out with verbal affection, praise and compliments- which are very intense off the bat, and he won't really scale it down. in his mind, you need to know exactly how he feels about you and why you are important to him. especially if you are not physically in his life... which is pretty likely. he'll also express his affection to you through acts of service- getting you glasses of water, food, etc. or, he'll try to "make you feel safe" by being around you so nobody dangerous can get to you.

to him, he can prove himself to you being nice to you and treating you well- so he's likely to come off as intense as he's very fervent in his effort. if he thinks his darling is more willing to be with him, he'll calm down a bit after a while.

he'll also express his affection to you physically with hugs, kisses, etc, but he'll keep that to when he thinks you are okay with it. he’s not good at reading his darling and he’s somewhat aware of that, so he’ll often mirror things you do to him to you thinking that you’ll be more likely to like it (like using the same pet names, kissing you in the same places, etc.)

Blood:How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

he understands that practically speaking, his darling could very well get upset or afraid of him if he really hurts people like he wants to. so unlike other yanderes he won't kill anyone behind your back. he might snap and hit people/beat people up, but that's as far as it goes.

however if his darling requests it, he can get very messy! he doesn't really have care at all for anyone other than his darling. so, if you ask him to kill anyone- including his friends- he will do so, easily. his only limit is that he won't want to kill his brother, and he'll likely become emotionally distant from you for a while if you ask him to do so.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

i think tanner is much less likely to straight up kidnap you. once he's reached a certain breaking point, he's more likely to just break into your house and just... not leave.

he'll only kidnap you if your living situation makes it impossible for him to do this without him being caught (such as if you have a roommate) or if your living situation is physically unsafe in some way.

he wouldn't straight up mock you though, he's really trying to avoid doing so. he wants to show you how much he's changed and how nice he can be for you! but he might show his impatience and irritation that you still aren’t hearing him out. he wouldn’t yell at you, but he would be blunt and passive-aggressive in some circumstances.

he can come off as cruel and insensitive though as sometimes he can be rather blunt without thinking. like, "why did you date that guy? he's such a little bitch." this side of him comes out more often if he's jealous.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

not intentionally, but practically speaking that's often how it turns out (see "Affection" above- he's not good at reading or predicting his darling.) probably ends up hugging and kissing before his darling would prefer, as he genuinely thinks that his darling is likely ready for him to do so.

he's less cautious about this if he thinks his darling is willingly in a relationship with him of their own free will... which, likely isn't what's happening. but, he will quickly back off with physical contact if asked.

he's a lot more blunt about asking consent for anything sexual though, and will likely just wait until you bring it up of your own volition. he's too worried about messing up your first time with him to risk anything.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

one of his insecurities is being seen as "soft"- it's why he became a bully in his youth in the first place, due to his deep seated insecurities with himself. he wants to be seen as a tough guy, like your guard dog or something. he wants you to think he's strong, and someone to rely on.

he also wasn’t the best in school, and struggles sometimes with things. so he also doesn’t want you to think of him as “stupid.”

he doesn't really want to be vulnerable, to show you that he's upset if it's not to show you that he cares about you. he'll say things like "i missed you so much" or say "i'm hurt that you did that" for instance, but will try to hide anything like him crying, nightmares, etc. basically to him, if it's not related to you? you don't really need to know about it.

his darling probably can guess as to what is going on a lot of the time though, as he can often drop disturbing facts about his childhood in casual conversations without realizing (as he genuinely doesn't understand how bad his upbringing really is.)

he also may act weird about some things and not tell you why- like huffing a bit in frustration if you offer to pick up something heavy for him or to calculate the tip on a bill for him and not explain why, which probably signals to his darling that something is up.

he'll close himself off a bit if you try to talk to him about how he feels about his childhood or any insecurities though. it takes him a long time to actually be vulnerable with you.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

sad :,(

he'll be obviously visibly hurt but, to him this isn't very surprising. he expected this as a possibility. he lets you know that you can hurt him as much as you like if it helps you feel better! (this doesn't work the way he had hoped it would.)

he wouldn’t stand for being continuously hit over a long period of time though. then, he’d get impatient, as he wanted to get your trust in return the first few times. if he doesn’t get that, there’s no real point to it for him. it’s less that he’s concerned about his safety, moreso that he has his limits with his patience.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

not a game at all, he would not enjoy watching his darling escape. his goal is for you not to be afraid of him after all.

especially if he actually abducted you to his house or a secondary location- since he'd likely only go for that route if he deems your usual lifestyle too unsafe or something. do you really hate him so much that you'd go back to your previous life, even though he'd do anything for you??

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

well, the whole concept of his character is that he's his darlings former bully- so, it could very well be him bullying them as a child. he isolated them from getting friends when they were younger and made their school life unbearable.

aside from that, i think the worst case scenario would be a darling who already has a significant other. that would really cause him to snap out much faster than he would normally. possibly even before he really reconsidered what his relationship to his darling in the past was like, which would make him far less considerate to his darling.

tanner is a bit willfully deluded sometimes, and sees things in a certain light due to paranoia or jealousy- so he's likely to freak out from just minor signs that you are unhappy, and pin that on your partner mistreating you. he then used that as an excuse to threaten them and hit them.

even though he usually lets you go anywhere you please, he also might be more likely to kidnap and isolate you if you already have a long term partner you are living with. though just for a bit- his goal is that he wants you to forget about them.

to have a partner that the darling loves and feels safe with, only for that person to basically be terrorized by tanner enough for the partner to leave the relationship and then subsequently be forced to be around someone they fear and hate... that would probably be the worst experience for the darling.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

when he was younger, his older brother had given him little tips on what to do in a relationship- and it was geared towards him dating a woman. hold doors open for a date, carry your date’s bags, walk your date home... etc.

due to this, he has a specific view on how he wants a romantic relationship to be. he wants to take a typically masculine, provider type of role. he doesn't particularly care how his darling presents themself or what their gender is, he just wants to treat them a particular way, especially if they're in public.

(although, if your condition of being with him is that YOU take that role instead... he may be willing to reconsider his ideas ;))

does want to get married and live with you in a mutual, loving relationship where you feel protected and safe with him- that's his ultimate goal for the future.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

yes, he gets jealous. he'll often lash out against the person (not the darling.)

in very mild cases, he might just grumble and be blunt/passive aggressive with how he talks about that person around his darling.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

depends on the situation!

if he thinks you feel safe around him/are willingly choosing to be around him? very sweet, nice, and a bit flirty and affectionate.

if he thinks you dislike him? he's very desperate, clingy, trying to show you how good he can be for you.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

literally, with letters lol. he wants to let you know just how much your mind, and is all too honest in how he expresses just how obsessed he is with you. phone calls too until you block his number.

likely keeps to sending you letters and stalking from afar- until he thinks that you are hinting at him that you want him to approach you. in which case, he'll try to arrange a meeting through the letters he sends you.

although, if he thinks that you may need him being around closer for one reason or another (generally if he believes your current lifestyle to be very unhealthy/unsafe) he will not wait that long and may just... break into your house and not leave, so he can be there to supervise you a little.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

yes, lol. due to a combination of what i said earlier re: his insecurities with being seen as "soft" and him just generally not caring about people other than his darling... he acts VERY different with his darling in private than he ever would around anyone else.

at his job he's not smiling, he's very straightforward and isn't really friendly with anyone. he keeps himself from straight up mocking others (so he doesn’t lose his employment) but he doesn’t reign in his expression or tone much. he'll be clearly annoyed if anyone wants help or asks questions. around you, he's bright and happy to spend time with you, doing whatever you ask him to do.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

not the type to punish his darling! he's more the submissive type. if he's upset with you he may be passive-aggressive or distance himself from his darling for a little bit. if it gets really bad he'll get a bit catty and talk to the guys he works with about you behind your back. but he wouldn’t punish you as he doesn't think it's his place to do so.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

generally he lets you do whatever you want! it's just that a lot of the time, whether you know it or not... he will also be there. lol.

if in the extreme circumstance he kidnaps you, he's already on edge and nervous that this will cause you to hate him. he's not likely to do much other than to not let you outside or talk to others. but that’s for practical reasons, so you won't alert anyone to your current situation.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

sometimes he gets impulsive and emotional and breaks some of his darling's boundaries. but otherwise he's pretty patient! he's trying to be, he just gets caught up in his own feelings sometimes.

he can be a little easily agitated, though, even with his darling. he more or less is expecting you to have a grudge against him, but you repeatedly insulting him or yelling at him would make him a little irritated. he’d feel like you aren’t giving him a chance to redeem himself. he’s more soft when it comes to his darling being afraid of him, though.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

absolutely distraught and devastated if his darling died... he would be in a state of regret thinking he could have done something different for a long time, likely not doing anything to move past the situation for basically the rest of his life.

if his darling escaped though, his reaction would be much less drastic. he's upset, and he's going to put as much effort as he can to try and find you again, but he's not nearly as depressed.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

if he realizes that you are scared of him?? VERY guilty, deep regret. he doesn't like doing things that make you upset!

there really isn't any circumstance where he would willingly cut contact with you all together, though. is he aware that that would be for the best? sure. but he's way too far gone for that. to him, you're the only reason he has to be happy.

closest thing he'll do to that you space for a week or so (like, if you brought it up as an ultimatum.) after the week ends he’ll go back to you immediately afterwards acting needier than he was before.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

poor childhood upbringing, mostly. his parents were neglectful to the point of being abusive, and he was basically raised by his older brother, who was also a troubled teen himself and treated him poorly.

since he never really had a place to feel safe or appreciated, he wanted to be seen as the "toughest" guy in school as a kid. he wanted to feel powerful. this is what caused him to become a bully and fixate on you strongly- you likely seemed to be an easy target.

his lack of a proper upbringing also caused his yandere qualities later in life when he realized he wants you as a lover. he has a very black and white thinking due to a poor childhood- it's either you, or no one else. and, since he often feels like what he cares about has often left or been taken away from him- he is very obsessive over you, as you are one of the few things in his life that make him feel things this strongly. he generally feels like he has to "earn" a persons respect that is important to him, because that's how it was with his older brother.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

upset :( he doesn't like seeing you like that! it's a little unnerving watching you break down like that, he's going to try to be desperate to get on your good side.

if it's just isolating themself, though, he's not as worried. he just thinks that the darling needs some time alone and doesn't really think much of it. unless the darling is missing meals or something, he's not going to say anything.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

yep! he's pretty carefree about what his darling does, more just wanting to be around his darling rather than control them. you can have a job and a regular life for the most part.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

well, he can be impulsive if he's caught up with his emotions- this causes him to make some obvious mistakes that his darling can then use to their advantage.

for instance, it's pretty clear that he's stalking you through the letters he sends you, and he's honest about many things if you just ask him. he also offers to kill people for you... which, if you play your cards right, could lead him to going to jail.

also: very easy to manipulate. it’s really not that hard to engineer opportunities for you to be left alone so you can prepare for an escape.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

he's really trying hard not to, especially physically. he doesn't want to risk scaring or upsetting you at this point. the only thing i could see him doing is grabbing his darling's wrist too hard if he's pulling them- but he would have to be very caught up in his emotions for him to do that.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

he very much worships his darling and puts them on a pedestal. to him, you are kind, mature, and well-adjusted... regardless if you really are those things.

he's willing to do ANYTHING to win his darling over- and he's very insistent they give him the chance to do so.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

depends on a few factors. if the darling is already in a relationship? very quickly, maybe after just a month of stalking and seeing what the dynamic is between the darling and their significant other.

if the darling is in an unsafe environment or is extremely neglectful of their health, it would take even less time. maybe even less than two weeks- which isn't good for the darling, because he hasn't fully processed how he feels about the darling at that point, and will likely be much less patient or kind with them as a result.

but, generally speaking, it takes about about a year or so of him stalking you to get to the point where he feels like he needs to send the letters to you.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

pretty unlikely, actually. they might have breakdowns and definitely don't appreciate him being around, especially at first. but he's not likely to emotionally break them to the point where they don't act anything like themself, he’s not a cruel type of yandere to his darling. if they are so upset that it's extremely obvious to him, he will try to be nicer to them in some way or another.