#this relationship is so obviously emotionally abusive and im going to scream about it

[ty-bayonet-betteridge]

they make me ILL

[hcfiles]

Let's see if you have the guts to answer me. Why? I just wanna know "why" are you doing all this? What motivates you to open 3 accounts to shit talk a celebrity you never met? Did he do something to you on a personal level? If not why do you care about his personal Life so much? You call him all kind of ugly things from weak/insecure/immature to idiot/emotionally damaged while stalking/harassing him and his gf for what? 3 years? You call them bullies but the only bully I see is you. You are insecure about your "opinion/assumptions"...that's why you open a new account every time your last got reported, you obviously need validation from other people. You need them to agree with your crazy little rants. So who is the insecure one? Your entire page screams "I have too much time on my hands....Im going to create a hate page for a celebrity because I lack self confidence and a social life myself"! And btw Im not saying you cant have your opinion on him, hes a public figure but some people go way too far and you are one of them. We live in turbulent times, why arent you putting your focus on more important things? If you hate Henry now, cool let him go and move on. There are way bigger issues in the world than Henry's dating life...let the man do whatever he wants, its really not your business. And when people want to support him, let them. We dont care about bs rumors with zero proof, what we care about is his work.

Henry himself admitted he has issues showing his feelings btw, he is a introverted Person! He doesnt hide it. And yes I believe he has anxiety just like many many other people and you shaming and belittling him for it is disgusting. Idk why you do this but maybe start looking at your own behavior before you point fingers at Henry and Natalie. I would suggest you to find happiness for yourself, get a hobby, go outside...let things go that no longer make you happy. There are so many celebrities, go find a new one to obsess over. But you know Hollywood is a toxic business dont you? With the Diddy files coming out and many celebrities getting exposed...there wont be many celebrities left to stan. Henry is a saint compared to them. But why arent you exposing them? the real criminals, s3x trafficking, child abusing satanists/p3dos...doesnt matter to you I guess. Get your priorities straight Girl because even if you are right in some ways what does it matter? Henry is the one who has to live with it not you, not me or anyone...him. There are many PR relationships in Hollywood, nobody in the Business cares if his relationship is real or fake because Hollywood is fake as a whole, its run by p3dos and criminals. The fact that Hollywood doesnt like Henry much should tell you everything you need to know.. he's not one of them. He didnt sell his soul, didnt lose his values ( according to someone who knows him) He stays out of there as much as he can. Im not saying hes perfect but people who actually know him, people who work or have worked with him only have good things to say about him. He has done so many good deeds.. He donated 1 million to earthquake victims, secretly paid for an actor and his friends meal, he saved a co-stars life from drowning, he sends wrap gifts to everyone on every single project he works on and much more and he never brags about these things. You obviously dont see other celebrities do you? because many of them brag about everything they do on social media. And last but not least, you dont work in a toxic business like Hollywood, you dont know what its like and what he's been through. I have seen the Witcher smear campaign thrown at him but nothing with substance or actual proof, the sources are always anonym. The cast and crew came out praising Henry debunking most of it. There are higher up people who would love to see Henry getting cancelled in order to save their own a#$es. They have been trying but obviously cant find anything on him so why do you think you can? When even Hollywood insiders cant? Have you ever seen someone directly accuse him of something? Mistreatment? Abuse? Ever? And im talking about a legit source not the anonym bs....! Gina recently spoke about him and she only confirmed what we know since years.. that he is a real Gentleman, a beautiful, passionate, kind Man. Go ask anyone he worked with, ask them what hes actually like and they will tell you he's a great Guy!

Wow! I see I touched a nerve. Apparently, I'm in the right direction to have you write a manifest. Well, to answer some of your questions, so it's OK to do what I do, as long as it is with another celeb? And, Henry is untouchable? Hum. Interesting. You suggest us to find something else to entertain us. Well, this shenanigan entertains me. This is how I chose to spend my free time, entertaining with the circus Henry is performing. But, you seem hurt to have people disagreeing with you. Different opinions threaten your beliefs. So much, you wrote a manifest. Who is the insecure? If all I write is bullshit on a personal blog, that won't make any difference in Henry's life, minion.

[urionstandby]

hi everyone! how r u doing?

i was looking for some advice here, to anyone that might know what to do. just in case this topic is triggering for someone, im gonna talk abt psychiatric medication, mention mental hospitals, some abuse and several other mental issues. im not gonna get into detail but please, if any of these things will make u feel bad, don't read this. I just really don't know what to do.

i had some issues from when I was twelve til I was like 17, when i started getting a lot better. I was in a mental hospital at twelve, fifteen and sixteen, a month and a half each time. I was given a serious diagnosis at twelve and plenty doctors told me later in life (pretty late honestly) that it totally wasn't that. also, every brain scan I've ever had showed no symptoms of this condition that would have totally appeared on the images.

for context, the place I grew up in was a total nightmare. not gonna go into detail as I said in the beginning, but it had to do a lot with the fact that my mother was neglecting me, emotionally and also verbally abusing me from a very young age, and it didn't help at all that she had a lot of boyfriends she'd bring to live with us after only a month of knowing them (since I was four till I decided to gain some inner and mental peace and got a job and moved out, this happened). so the first time I was addmited to the mental hospital, I discovered there a safe place where I was heard and cared for, also a routine and stability I had never had (for more context, at nineteen years old I moved houses about ten times, that I can remember obviously).

so, I been on different medications for the last seven years. the final diagnosis was this thing where my mood can shift from being very happy to very sad (not bipolar disorder), supposedly being about my brain chemistry and not about the fact that I've been on survival mode since my birth until I finally left my mother's house and moved with my father (a very loving, patient and caring man that showed me what compassion and true care really felt like). plenty of doctors told me that I don't really need the medication at all right now, and also I don't have the best psychiatrist honestly. she never really texts me to see how I'm doing or to call me, the only times we talk are when I text her to get my prescription or when I'm feeling down and need to talk. she is being paid for doing nothing basically.

three months ago, I moved in with what started as a three-person relationship, a girl and a boy. the girl turned out to be narcissistic and manipulative, something I learned to detect and stay away from based on my mother and past relationships. she hurt me and this boy a lot, phisically and emotionally, and then acted like it was our fault if we got sad or angry. anyway, with my boyfriend we discussed this and ended things with her, she moved out and we're living alone. it wasn't easy obviously. she wouldn't leave without screaming and saying very hurtful things, trying to turn my boyfriend and I against each other which clearly didn't work. I also would like to clarify that at least my boyfriend and I were very excited with all the future we were planing for the three of us, trying really hard to keep going even though things were very complicated and were making us so sad all the time. we truly loved her, and although I saw fairly quickly what she was all about, I would never get involved in my boyfriend's process and talk shit abt her with him, I would never want to feel like I'm getting in the way and trying to split us up. so I waited even if it hurt, every word and hit and every trigger she caused in both me and my boyfriend. and u may wonder, why did I stayed there after all that? simply bc of the loving boy that showed me some true and unconditional love I have never had; someone so sweet, patient, sensitive, kind, compassionate and so so empathic that hurting me will make him feel just as bad but won't even make it about him. the very few times it happened, he was able to apologize and recognize what he did wrong and most importantly, never did it again. I would never leave him alone in that situation, and what made him see all of this was seeing the way she hurt me, which also made him notice he felt the same way without me saying anything. it may sound like the bare minimum but honestly, I come from a very very abusive (in every way imaginable) past relationship were I was only worth my body and what I could do with it, just showing me the right amount of affection to make me stay there while he just got what he wanted: someone so broken and selfless that wouldn't care how many times she was truly hurt and would run to confront him even though he was the one who really messed up. I'm a lot better now about it, sometimes it hurts to think about those two years I stayed with him but at least now I can recognize the patterns and stay the hell away from them. (don't know if this is important, but I was 17 when we got together and he was 19).

so, now things are getting better, really better. it's so sad that the house feels so much lighter and filled with love and laughter since our ex girlfriend left, but it's also so relieving. my boyfriend and I are able to laugh and dance and love eachother every day although things weren't easy, proving that we are really stronger that anything that can happen.

it's important to mention that when I started taking my pills I was taking a very high dosage (two 100mg pills every day) and it was truly horrible. it only turned off my brain, made me feel absolutely nothing and really sleepy, unable to focus and unable to think straight. thanks to this, I missed all of my high-school years. I was there, but my brain wasn't. with the years and talking with my psychiatrist, I was able to take down the dosage to only a quarter of a 100mg pill. the thing is, in the almost three months I had been with my ex girlfriend, when I was taking half a pill, I missed it for one or two days at a time. sometimes because I forgot and when I remembered, it was late and I knew I wasn't going to wake up for another 16 hours like it always happens, and other times because I just didn't want my brain to shut off like that. it's so horrible that my body just keeps going until it gives up. and almost every time I took the pills, I suffered serious tics until my body gave up and I fell asleep. it was a nightmare. so, I talked to my psychiatrist and managed to take it down to a quarter. gonna be honest, I'm not taking them anymore. I had always hated them, but now I know that I went slowly with it and not suddenly, and that other therapists that really care told me I never really needed them (I just needed to get out of my house honestly. another nightmare I lived in for 18 years). as u can see, I hadn't had it any easy haha.

to make things worst, I started to work again in a very stressful job that keeps me away from home and my partner all day, that started to make me really depressed and so so tired. I wasn't feeling like this before, it all started with this job and as things are very complicated economically, I was willing to try and hold on. it was really turning me into a different person, I was being so impatient and sometimes desconsiderate with my partner, something I only realized after I said some things and got so hurt that I would ever say it and make my partner feel that way. I'm not the kind of person to not think before I talk, and I would never ever hurt anyone intentionally, even less if it's my wonderful boyfriend. I was also feeling so distanced from him and from the only place I could call a home and a safe place, and that hurt so much.

I take a bike for work, and two days ago when I was going to the afternoon shift (I worked morning and afternoon, with enough time to go home at 14:30 pm and stay there for half an hour to eat and talk a bit with my partner before having to go back and come home around nine pm) I got hit by a motorcycle that was going fast and not really looking where they were going. the hit was bad, but at the moment with the adrenaline and the shock I just got up, carried my broken bike for eleven blocks and worked anyway. when I got there, I could barely lift my right arm and everything hurt so much. I was dizzy and felt like I had a fever, and I worked anyway. at night, i told my supervisor (that knew exactly what happened and how I was feeling) that I didn't know if I could go in at work the next day. she got mad that we're short-staffed and she wasn't being noticed with enough time, and forced me to go anyway. the next day (yesterday) I woke up and couldn't get up. I was so uncomfortable and crying from the pain, I actually been needing help getting dressed up, getting up and even going the bathroom and showering. when my boyfriend saw me like this, he talked some sense into stubborn me and I talked with my supervisor to let her know I couldn't go in that day, that I would be going to the hospital as soon as I could. she got really mad and told me that they didn't handle things that way there, and that we would need more organization.

my boyfriend took me to the er that day and we spent the whole day there, me crying from pain and exhaustion and barely moving without help. they gave me very strong medication that did nothing, so they had to put me into the emergency room and give me morphine, which only made me stop crying and feeling everything in my body except for my shoulder. also, in this whole hour I was with morphine and being mistreated by nurses (which had to put the morphine twice as the first time they did it so wrong my arm started to swell and hurt really bad) my partner couldn't even be there bc of the protocol, so I was alone and scared in a white room I found so recognizable with no battery on my phone to talk to my loved ones.

after being in the hospital for almost eight hours, I found out I have a fractured rib and a very badly hurt shoulder. I was prescribed the strongest medication they could give me and an orthopedic thing to cure my rib. I haven't been sleeping well because every position is either hurting me or extremely uncomfortable and not eating well because of the nausea from the two medications I'm taking. I talked to my mom (that tried to be helpful and payed for food and medication but in the process told me that I was exaggerating and other really, really hurtful things a parent should never say to their child even if they think they're joking) and she says that if I'm feeling down or having tics (that only come when I'm truly exhausted and not home) it's just because I suspended my medication. this got me thinking and after a rough night were I slept like five hours and had to wake up from the pain, I woke up so sad. so so sad. I get it after writing all of this that is comprehensible to feel this way, also because I'm probably getting fired and the economy in my country is in such a state that we would need serious help from my father and mother-in-law if I don't have the job. but it also makes me angry, because my boyfriend has been so wonderful with all of this. he has been caring for me and doing everything for me, even helping me to take my pants down to go to the toilet and showering me. also, he made things so easy and I was even laughing and feeling kinda good emotionally when I was with him. he never once made me feel bad about all the help I was getting (and needing so much help for everything is very hard for me, especially bc I was forced to do everything alone since I can remember, the only help I got later being thrown in my face and giving me so much guilt).

the question is, I don't really know if I'm feeling like this bc of my medication. I know I didn't quit taking them suddenly, my psychiatrist told me we could take the dosage down and I went really slowly with it. also as I said, plenty of doctors told me I didn't really need them and that my doctor was just giving them to me to get paid, not really caring about how I was really feeling. I was doing pretty well considering how things are going, and considering I was told all my life I could never live on my own or do basically anything on my own. I've acomplished so much in the last years that everyone that cares is so proud, and I am too.

it's just that after the comment my mother made, I'm kinda starting to feel she might be right. I've been honselty feeling very good in the last time without taking my pills, it's just the situation is so difficult. I don't ever want to take those pills again, they make my brain shut off all day and I can't enjoy anything. they weren't even making me feel good emotionally as they should, they just cancel every emotion.

also, my mother has a history of believing the really bad doctors over me just because they did and said what she wanted, and the only psychologists that were truly helping me and making me feel heard and making me see a lot of things were suddenly terrible and bad for me, so she forced me to change therapists again (one of the therapists I had that she never really let me stop seeing was on her phone during sessions, told me all the time I was exaggerating, and even told me when I was abused by my ex partner that boys are all like that and that I shouldn't leave him just for that. she was part of the reason I stayed with him for so long).

I don't really know what to do. I don't wanna go back to that job but the economy is just so complicated. should I let some time pass and see if I get better (emotionally and physically)? I'm so lost and so sad.

if you read all of this, thank you so much. my current psychologist isn't responding to my texts, she only tells me she'll see if she can give me a time for a session but never does. it might have to do with the fact that I couldn't pay for the last two (and very expensive) sessions because I have no money and no help from the mother who told me would pay for all of this. the therapist know all of this. so, I haven't had any psychological help either. please, if you could give me any constructive advice I would be so thankful. and also, if you're gonna comment, please be considerate, I'm in such a bad place right now I couldn't handle any more bad words.

again, thank u if u read all of this. take care of yourself, drink water and eat something and if u can, move a little. hope u are feeling well <3

[caffiine]

A BRIEF PAUSE

From my regularly scheduled content. I’ve got some shit to say, y’all (forewarning for spicy language and spoilers)

I thought about making this post on my fandom subblog but this show and this relationship have been TOO important to me for the past 8 years to not give it its proper place in my life. strap in bc im not sure how long this mf is about to be.

When i started this DUMB show at age 19 tortured soul “empath” dark academia me thought sam winchester was going to be my favourite character. and don’t @ me, i love sam now in his own right (and we deserve some SAILEEN PEOPLE). but after literally less than 5 episodes i KNEW dean’s character and his arc were going to be amazing and beautiful and he immediately became my favourite brother. The nuances of his character i.e. his shell vs his true self were so evident to me even in the first couple seasons. in my humble opinion, he had the most growth of the two brothers.

They all deserve to be happy, but for whatever FUCKING reason dean has the HARDEST TIME OF ANYONE being happy in this show. I know it’s his character. I know it was written that way. But FFS.  I kept wondering when they were going to wrap up his emotional arc and stop torturing the poor dude.

then in season 4 they introduced castiel and 1) I thought the new concept of angels as assholes was super cool and 2) I hardcore SIMPED over misha collins (still do). I watched benignly as cas and dean began to form this relationship that seemed pretty special. I started watching the show when it was in its eighth season and I binged the shit out of it for two weeks until I was caught up. By the time I was caught up I was CERTAIN there were some feelings between them and I LOVED it. I am bisexual and I was ECSTATIC for a potential queer relationship between two masculine-portrayed dudes. I went on tumblr to express my newfound theory, only to find out that this was a real THING. “Destiel” was already an idea that had absolutely and intensely BLOSSOMED in the fandom  for several seasons already. So many others saw what I saw and saw the potential of emotionally tortured/constipated “daddy’s blunt instrument” dean and the unfeeling daddy’s boy cas “crack in his chassis” Winchester being allowed to be happy together. I felt validated and hopeful. For a while.

Then it was season after season of hopefulness for them to be finally happy with each other while still fighting the ills of their world with sam and the other new members of their family that were added along the way, only to constantly have that hope seemingly teased away at the end every single time. By season 11 and the introduction of amara (not bashing, eventually loved her character and her development too) I gave up. I lost hope. I stopped watching the show. I didn’t want to keep watching my two favourite characters continuously abused by the story they were thrown into.

I know not everyone likes destiel, not everyone thought it was real. That’s chill, idc. Stories are so often meant to be (and sometimes inadvertently) left up to interpretation by the person experiencing and consuming them. It’s what’s so amazing about books and shows and movies that are able to make us feel so intensely about them and their characters. And I felt SO strongly about dean and cas. It was honestly really upsetting to me, the way the show was going with their relationship.

A while later season 13 had been going on and I started seeing some things pop up on my dash. Hopeful things. I did a bit of research and accidentally saw THE SCENE from season 12 and I couldn’t help myself. I restarted it. I watched the whole thing from the beginning again AND introduced it to my boyfriend I think partially as a way to ensure I wasn’t imagining shit (it took him awhile and a lot of me internally screaming during many scenes but by season 9 he was like “uh are they in gay love”). Fast forward to me finally catching up as season 14 was starting. I was still hopeful, somehow. And it happened AGAIN. Season 14 and the beginnings of 15 made me so sad. I HATED what they did with their relationship. I HATED the way it ended. I HATED the way dean treated cas and everyone around him. It felt like the show was taking his whole character arc back to day 1. I didn’t understand. I kept watching for a couple episodes after the big argument and cas left but the luster was gone and eventually I just stopped.

I love this show. It has meant so much to me as a story. So many of the characters are/were very dear to me. I know it’s a running joke with this show about character deaths and homophobia but the strength of the bond I felt was between cas and dean gave me a lot of hope. But it wasn’t enough. I felt betrayed one too many times. And for those of you who kept watching, for whatever reason, I don’t hold it against you. It’s still a beautiful and interesting story without cas and dean’s relationship. But I just personally couldn’t do it anymore.

I hadn’t planned on watching the rest of season 15 when it came back after pandemic hiatus, at least not for awhile. So imagine my FUCKING surprise when I was doom scrolling through twitter during election week on Thursday and I see supernatural trending right along with election shit.

What.

I couldn’t stop myself, I looked and literally SCREAMED and made my boyfriend spill his wine all over our couch. I didn’t know exactly what happened as I hadn’t seen the episode but APPARENTLY all my emotions and feelings had been at least partially vindicated. So I BOUGHT season 15 so I could finish watching where I had left off. I watched 8 episodes in less than 24hrs (don’t judge me there’s a quarantine) and I LIKED them. And it might’ve been bc I knew what was about to happen in 15 x18 but I really felt like the show was getting STRONGER as it neared its finish.

I was so excited for 15x19. I read so many posts from fellow fans, destiel and antis alike. There really weren’t a lot of bad emotions running around. Everyone seemed hopeful and excited like me.

I probably don’t need to go over 15x19 emotions but im going to anyway. I was disappointed. I was confused. I was angry. we are in season 15. The last season ever for this show that has had a HUGE following of fans who have loved it, sometimes unconditionally, sometimes even though it wasn’t the best (and sometimes less than good). A season and show that had just announced YES. CAS LOVES DEAN. ITS REAL. And I shouldn’t have to go over the nuances of why we would expect more after this, with two episodes to go before the show is done forever.

But I will bc im mad af.

Like I said in the beginning. Dean’s character arc has been incredible. His emotional growth – as subtle as it might’ve seemed – has been amazing. And dean has always been an emotional, loving person. he just felt like he wasn’t because the world made him feel that way. And that’s sad, y’all. Dean deserves to realize he DESERVES happiness. And in 15x18, we were finally heading basically directly there. With destiel, yes, but even if you’re anti, what cas said to dean about who he is and why he loves him obviously struck a fucking chord with dean. It obviously changed the way he viewed himself (RE: “that’s not who I am, that’s not who we are”).

But for WHATEVER reason that’s ALL we got in 15x19. One fucking SENTENCE about dean realizing maybe he’s not just built to kill people. And then jack leaves without a single mention of Eileen or cas or Charlie or literally anyone they ever cared about and dean rode off into the sunset alone with his brother while we watched a fucking FIVE MINUTE MONTAGE that made me want to hurl my own body into the sun they were driving toward. And cas is STILL DEAD.

BUT THERE’S STILL ONE EPISODE LEFT AND FUCK ME IF I HAVENT BEEN PAINTING ON MY CLOWN MAKEUP ALL WEEK. SO WHAT DO I WANT????

ONE: DEAN DESERVES HAPPINESS. REAL HAPPINESS. What the FUCK supernatural??? Wasn’t this the whole point of his arc??? And don’t get me wrong I REALLY want that happiness to come from Cas and a real spoken relationship of some sort between them bc it also ties in with my second point but tbh just PLEASE let dean be happy. Dean is a loving person and does everything for love as we JUST FOUND OUT. Dean would NOT be happy with everyone he’s ever loved gone for the rest of his life. I just don’t believe that’s fucking true. h elp him pls.

TWO: CAS DESERVES HAPPINESS. I know we got this whole speech about “happiness isn’t in the having it’s simply in being”  but like. Really. Castiel was supposed to be a throwaway character no one was supposed to care about. But we all cared SO MUCH that he lasted 11 SEASONS longer than intended and became a main character and an integral part of the story. Cas has arguably sacrificed more than anyone on this show. His last act was to sacrifice his life to save the man he loved. He knew where he was going. He knew he was finally going to be able to tell dean he loved him and then immediately be taken by the empty where we know now thanks to season 15 that everyone in there just gets to dream forever about their regrets and sadness. HOW IS THAT FAIR. HOW IS THAT A GOOD ENDING FOR CAS. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ANYONE – CHARACTERS AND FANS ALIKE –TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT. Its messed up, supernatural. Y’all KNOW it is and I hope to HIGH HEAVENS this is going to be corrected in 15x20.

THREE: give sam Eileen back. 

Well that’s all I’ve got in me, folks. I’m absolutely and intensely dreading Thursday. Im scared and nervous and obviously still angry that this is absolutely going to be the opposite of what they promised – another “game of thrones” ending. Some of y’all are giving me hope with your posts about maybe they’re trying to keep the ending a surprise and maybe cas is coming back and how can they not and why else would they have done the second to last episode like that and I hope yall are right.

Either way, im glad I am not alone with my feelings. Thanks yall for the experience of this fandom and show. Let’s stick together on Thursday, no matter our differences.

 PS stop calling jensen ackles a homophobe or ill hex you. 

[deckerswheeler]

why you shouldn’t ship mileven

**disclaimer** im not gonna be using byler proof or mike’s bi coding as proof against mileven because they are both technically not canon. im only gonna be using canon facts and my opinions on canon situations :)

1. mike is projecting his feelings onto el- in season one, mike is hurt and missing his best friend- will. he is also scared that he may never see will again. because of this, when he meets eleven, he projects those feelings onto her, making her a potential “replacement” for will if turned out to be dead. he is mentally preparing himself for the worst by already building a new friendship with someone else. not to mention, el looks like a boy in the beginning of season one, so it is easier for mike to project those feelings towards will onto her. (again, i’m not referring to byler in a romantic way here, i am solely talking about their friendship). 

2. el attaches herself to anyone who shows her compassion- el has been abused and treated as a science experiment her whole childhood. she doesn’t know what real love feels like, so obviously she is going to emotionally attach herself to anyone who shows a slight interest in her or any type of kindness or platonic love. this can be seen through brenner in season one. despite him being her primary abuser, she still believes that he loves her and she therefore loves him. this can also be seen with terry, when el visits her in the void, she immediately gets attached to her despite not knowing for sure if terry even is her biological mother. as soon as terry disappears, el starts screaming “mama”. and finally in season three, el’s quick attachment to people can be seen with both max and hopper. in season one when el becomes attached to mike, it isn’t in a romantic way. she literally had no idea why it would be weird to take your sister to a school dance (meaning she originally thought of herself as mike’s sister). she has no clue how romantic relationships/feelings work... she barely knows how platonic feelings work.

3. neither are mentally fit for a relationship- continuing with el not knowing how romantic relationships work, she literally does not know what a friend is before lucas tells her. el has the mental capacity of a five year old (besides when using her powers and having survival skills). and i’m not saying that to bash el, i’m saying that because it’s a fact! eleven can barely speak in season one, she doesn’t know basic vocabulary, she has no concept of time, she acts younger than her age, etc. she is stunted mentally and stuck with the education level and maturity level of a young child. obviously she grows as the seasons progress and she is quite better in season three, but even then she is still probably at the educational level of a ten/eleven year old despite being fourteen. there is absolutely nothing about her in season one that makes me believe she was ready for a romantic relationship in any way. no one with her level of abuse and mental stunting should even be in a relationship. as for mike, he is a traumatized boy missing his best friend when he meets el. he barely has any friends to begin with and like lucas said, el is the only girl who isn’t grossed out by him. mike likes getting positive attention from a girl and in his immature twelve-year-old mind that translates to he must have feelings for her. 

4. mileven is not built to last- think about it, in seasons one and two mileven only had like three romantic scenes together in each season. their relationship is built on them both benefiting from one specific thing about the other person. for mike, el is the first girl to show any interest in him and he likes that, he is also looking for an escape from his feelings of stress about will, (seasons one/two). el provides that, whether it be in person, or when he calls her every night, convincing himself he still cares about her in a romantic way. for el, mike is the first person who has treated her as human, doesn’t call her names, or mistreat her, like most of the other people in her life did. in a way, she becomes addicted to the positive feeling of being treated better, and becomes dependent on mike for that. in season three, when max asks if mike is a good kisser, el replies “i don’t know. he’s my first boyfriend.” implying that she sees a future where she isn’t with mike, but with other boys/girls (?). also in season three, in the last episode, mike pretends he doesn’t remember saying “i love her” about el in the cabin when she confronts him about it. when el says she loves him too and kisses him, he literally keeps his eyes open and doesn’t kiss back or move. when el walks away he genuinely looks confused still. a lot of people say this is because he is in shock and excited that she feels the same, but when you think about it, it would make sense for him to be in shock but like... wouldn’t you think that he would at least crack a smile when she said it? and he doesn’t even kiss back or close his eyes, which surely he could’ve done even if he was in shock because if he truly loved her, it would just be natural instinct. and he could’ve smiled after she left if he was embarrassed by her seeing him be excited, but he didn’t. he still looked genuinely confused and not at all happy or excited. no. i truly believe mike had moved on from el by that time. it had been a couple of months since the battle at starcourt, and he and el weren’t even back together. he probably assumed that they would just remain friends, but then she brought up the “i love you” incident, and he was trying to deflect away from it by denying remembering what he said. finally, they were both twelve years old when they developed feelings for each other, (for the wrong reasons), and they probably both feel as though if they break up it will ruin their friendship, which neither of them want. 

that’s all for this one. i might make a part two soon, i just need to think of more points. i’d like to note that all of this is coming from a former mileven stan, so i know what it’s like to ship them. they really do have some cute scenes but when it comes down to it, they are just not a healthy couple. anyway, reblog or like if you want :)

[autisticangus]

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt. 

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him. 

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident. 

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

[merrysithmas]

mmmm hard and quick question who tops boris or theo

😂🤣sorry i just need to pick myself up off the floor after thinking about THEO topping anyone of his own free will. the only kind of person i can imagine Theo topping is like... Agent Q from the new Bond movies but even after that they're like, yeahhh maybe this isn't for us. Lmao. Bc Theo doesn't like... want that.

(disclaimer: as a gay, i personally don't really like analyzing this topic in fandom, there is no menu or standard to human behavior and everyone reacts to the world differently and experiences pleasure differently, esp in a queer dynamic, so im like... who cares, dynamics are fluid anyway. but for sake of analyzing text here we go)

Based off the context of their personalities and dynamic, it is obvious Theo is thrown into massive depression and self-loathing when sleeping with women (Carol, Kitsey, Julie). He describes the experiences of sleeping with women as something he is monotonously expected to do, something that makes him uncomfortable and ashamed, or something substandard, and he never colors his descriptions of his affairs with women with passion, relief, or pleasure. He is like an automaton, simply following society's rules of how he "should" act and behave (or what he believes is so), essentially a Live Action Roleplay of misery that he follows with total loathing but adament piousness to stave off the horrors of his PTSD.

Now this is a point because of the way Theo and Boris (1) feel power and (2) experience comfort. Theo feels comfort and safety and power when he is vulnerable. He spends the entire book presenting a tremelous facade of being untouchable, invulnerable, and aloof (sometimes forcibly) when all the while he is dying inside from post-traumatic stress. He is a monumentous wall that could crack if you rested a feather on it. Yet Theo desperately abandons that ruse when he runs and crushes the painting to himself, his only relief, his most vulnerable and relieving moments. Crying, curling his fingers over it, feeling safe and sound alone and soft and aching when no one is looking. His only peace. Well, until Boris. Until Boris came along and held and crushed Theo himself to his own chest (mirroring how Theo crushed the painting) as Theo would wake screaming, choked with sobs, lulled to sleep in Boris' comforting arms. Again, safe, vulnerable, at peace.

So what I am saying is, Theo feels emotional fulfillment and safety and comfort not from the expression of control or power (in fact his agency is very much deleted by those things, as he actively kills his soul little by little with his obsessive unhealthy control and perfectionism of his fake life). Theo is relieved by and emotionally fulfilled by the expression of vulnerability and reception of safety and love. His best self is brought out and his healing starts and he feels like himself - like he is whole, finally.

So while Theo was curled into Boris' arms accepting his vulnerability in front of one other person (apart from his mother aka the painting), Boris at the same time was also experiencing something he seldom received -- a feeling of power and control and guardianship and the actualization of his physical realness, the use of his body to not just be victimized by violence from his father and then depersonalized but the use of it to protect and care for another. A gigantic relief and comfort and avenue of self-realization for him (bookended in adolescence by his gutsy kiss when Theo left -- acts of bold physical interjection giving him a sense of accomplshment and emotional power... ahem: Shh, Potter).

Boris is the exact opposite of Theo, which is another reason why they likely got on so closely and keenly. They are compliments. Whereas Theo feels relief and freedom in vulnerability, Boris feels no safety or comfort in vulnerability. Boris deeply fears vulnerability as evidenced by: his unrelenting horrific physical abuse by his father, his playful childhood violence used to express emotionality, jerking away fearfully when Theo tries to attend to his wound, becoming ghastly terrified when Theo drowns him, his profession as a gang leader who is highly skilled in physical intimidation and defense weaponry (so much so that he saves both of their lives in the shootout and does in fact get the painting back, even if short-lived), his ultimately flippant and nonvocal reaction to being literally shot, his liberal use of a plethora of a drugs, his aesthetic presentation of imposing nicely cut dark clothes meant to exhibit an intimidating figure/presence, his deleterious dynamics with Kotku (physical violence) and Theo (emotionally fearful), his habit of frequent colorful lying, his theft of the painting likely for some insurance of livelihood as a starving child.

Boris does not feel empowered and safe when he is not in control of his physical body -- Boris feels comfort and pleasure when he is in a position of control and power over himself and others. He has adapted his developmental shortcomings to serve his life in what he sees as a positive way and find peace with it. He leads a gang, he is a wealthy man, he can fix Theo's problems, he says honestly he has a good life.

There is also the question of emotional vulnerability -- again, although Theo is hugely closed off and it is pretty much the premise of the book, when he is most happy and most free is when he is emotionally vulnerable. Theo writes that he, of course, loves Boris. He writes he is happy during their idyllic year together and is more emotionally forthcoming about it than anything else in the book. He becomes jealous over Kotku because she "assumes ownership" of Boris - the person he feels emotionally comfortable and safe with. His love for his mother is an enduring buoy in his life, the painting brings him emotional relief, he falls into Hobie's arms as a derelict child, he frets feverishly over Boris' wounded arm. He is most himself in vulnerability after a lifetime of emotional suffocation.

Boris is also highly distressed by emotional vulnerability, but in context of Boris&Theo, it is Boris who is more fearful of emotional vulnerability as children. Theo cries in Boris arms, seeks Boris out, finds emotional solace in Boris. Boris, unaccostumed to this safety flees it and searches out an eventually toxic dynamic between he and Kotku instead. Boris changes as he grows older: feeling guilt over stealing the painting, telling Theo to value his life - he is philosophical by nature. However this emotional cognizance does not translate to his physical life. In fact it is the other way around: Boris uses that physical power and safety he has cultivated to lend him strength and space and psychological protection so that he can be emotionally self-analytical. Theo has become emotionally hardened until reunited with the painting and Boris, having Boris brings back Theo's physical and emotional freedom.

so yeah, TL;DR Boris.

obviously life and relationships are complex and there is variation in any dynamic but it seems that would be their standard, mimicking their first cuddled childhood moments in a more adult manner (shh, potter). it's a reflection of their dynamic. Theo is open to giving himself physically to Boris (in many small ways) and Boris is upheld and strengthened (and made better physically and emotionally) by that trust. He craves it so much he longs for it for ten years. And that support makes Theo better in return. A positive cycle.

i have such a hard time even imagining Theo topping Kistey like, that poor guy. It must have been soooo dead for him. Kitsey on the other hand would've worn a strap on just so they could have even a little fun until their eventual breakup but Theo's third-eye isn't opened far enough.

[subnova-scion]

🟊⟅⸉ i know we're meant to sympathize with spinel and i dear god i DO because ghosting someone like that causes them so much emotional trauma. TRUST ME I KNOW. but also....... holy shit i dont blame PD for doing what she did 

pd was really being systematically abused. emotionally, literally being thrown into prison, screamed at for every little thing, her pearl, her BEST FRIEND had been taken. turned into a puppet by white, to be used as yet another abuse tactic. on account of her own ‘bad behavior’ because she ‘brings out the worst in gems. as a reminder of who is is control. of what happens when pink gets too close to people. when she doesnt act like a proper diamond 

she was grieving. grieving and without any healthy relationships. and still being put in a position of having to put on a perfect face and be okay. and,, no one, including spinel, acknowledged pinks feelings. not to say that spinel didnt love PD because dear GOD she does, or that pink didnt love spinel, because i definitely think she did! she definitely treasured the time they spent together but... 

PD wanted someone to be her friend. but spinel was made to be a playmate. spinel expected PD to be at her highest energy level all the time and always have fun when and play with her.... but pink was going through so much. and after everything she went through, pink FINALLY got her colony. she finally got the approval of all the other diamonds. and she couldnt afford to mess up. it was serious grow up time and she couldnt afford to be silly with the eyes of all three other diamonds on her. being silly and playing outside the garden was FORBIDDEN. of COURSE she couldnt take spinel with her.

because if she failed, if they thought pink wasn’t taking things seriously... they might make her come home. and she didnt want to be home. because of what happened to pink pearl. because white was there. and thats why pink spent so much time in the garden with spinel. hell, its probably the whole reason spinel and that garden were probably created in the first place. spinny said it herself ‘on homeworld, pink was lonely and unhappy. but not here’ (remember that this is from spinels own perspective tho)

they came to be because of the diamonds grooming of pink. like oh! youre obviously upset and incapable of functioning at our expectations because i literally turned your only friend and confidant into a puppet!! but thats over now!! haha look at all these gifts im giving you!! look, ill give you a new playmate!!! and a garden!! im not so bad!!! youre just being dramatic!  

and thats probably how being around spinel felt after a while too. PD soon found that she didnt want to be in the garden either. pretending everythings okay because she didnt want to upset anyone else. she couldnt cause trouble. because of all the messages from everyone else that shes supposed to be prefect and happy. it's emotionally draining to be around someone like that!!! and at some point, PD may have even seen spinel as,, a kind of mockery of Pink Pearl. 

pp cared about pd's happiness, but she also seemed to reciprocate actions, not just act upon her the way spinel did. pp played with her, spinel played AROUND her. and pp was willing to let pd be vulnerable, where spinel wanted her to always be having fun forever. she tried to replace that relationship and just.....couldnt. pink wasnt having it. just like how CG pearl said that ‘her job was to make pink happy, but she never could’

hell, if you look at pinks expressions and body language in the spinel flashbacks and in the moonbase flashback in ‘now we’re only falling apart’ its the same thing. pink looks at spinel and pearl like she would just rather not be there. like they dont understand and could never understand like pink pearl would. the other diamonds kept trying to replace pink pearl. because pink was an absolute wreck. but they couldnt do it. and in the end it was just one more thing the diamonds did that ended up pushing pink further away.

should PD have lied and abandoned spinel? HELL NO!!! but pink learned NOTHING of healthy relationships and communication from her family of origin. she survived by running and hiding and lying and putting on masks. and she didnt want to hurt spinels feelings or get either of them in trouble. because pink pearl only wanted to make her happy too, and look what happened to her. 

i can understand why she did it. but god pink fucked up ⸊⟆🟊

[thegeminisage]

alright im about to watch 5.03 of merlin for the 2nd time ever

because if i dont do it now i may NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE

but first i wanna get out of the way that i thought merlin convincing arthur to keep the ban on magic in 5.05 because he was trying to thwart ~*~destiny~*~ or whatever is the laziest writing ever, it’s unsatisfying for the audience, it renders the rest of the last season utterly pointless, it’s unfair to merlin and arthur, and the tonal shift of the show from farting trolls in season 2 to full greek tragedy in season 5 was completely unwarranted and i feel TRICKED as a human person because i expected the end to be bittersweet and make me sad, not table-flipping angry, and i do not at all have high hopes for the finale

but i can ignore something having a “bad last five minutes” i did it for life is strange and final fantasy 13-2 i will do it for merlin but honestly 

speaking on 5.03, after it was over the first time i was like “i can never write my fanfic now because nothing i ever do will be as good as that” but i’m really relieved in that way that that was apparently the last good episode of merlin because now i can continue my work in peace and maybe hopefully even actually finish it

okay commence the liveblog:

love that arthur and merlin are down to just jump off their horses whenever random women start screaming in the distance. season 5 could have been so good, they’re so much more grown up and in sync with one another, i absolutely LOVE their #vibe

it was interesting to me also that arthur DEMANDED a fair trial for this woman despite her being accused of sorcery. god, he was SO CLOSE?? that hatred of magic just can’t really take root in him especially with uther gone...arthur may be an asshole in the early seasons, and he may be quick to anger and quick to lash out in that anger, but it’s just not in him to be cruel, especially needlessly

EVEN THIS LADY IS LIKE “u showed kindness and compassion” arthur is a Good Boy deep down he is he IS he didn’t care a bit about that horn she gave him but still politely said it was beautiful

although lmao the way his face changed when she said it was magic...that’s the STUFF

lowkey losing it at athony head in the credits. i was looking to see if he’d be in the s5 ones since he’s dead and didn’t see him in 5.01 or 5.02 so when i DID see him in 5.03 i was like haha no way did they pay to put him in here i guess i just missed him the first couple of times BUT I WAS WRONG

like, in buffy, they spend an entire episode trying to decide whether or not to necromance their mom or whatever and she doesnt actually APPEAR IN THE EP they never SEE her i thought this would be an episode ABOUT uther i didn’t think uther would be IN it

love that from the get-go arthur’s face screams “i am thinking about making a terrible mistake” and merlin’s face is like “he is thinking about making a terrible mistake”

i’m quite proud of merlin in s5 actually. bad writing aside he uses multiple braincells many times per episode. it’s a vast improvement. same energy as clary from shadowhunters right down to getting shafted in his final season

ive said it before and ill say it again gwen looks SOOO GOOOOD as queen

if this is the anniversary of uther’s death then (if you go by 1 season = 1 year) arthur just turned 30...it’s been nine years and change since merlin met him, and by the end of season 5 it will have been an entire decade

in an otherwise increddibly heavy episode arthur panicking and throwing all the apples out of the bowl so he could cover the horn with it is absolutely priceless. season 5 if nothing else has really hammered home for me what a TERRIBLE liar arthur is - merlin got good at it fast out of necessity but arthur can’t hold a poker face to save his LIFE. “leave it.” “why??” “because i’m telling you to and i’m the king of camelot” buddy......

we were ROBBED. if there had ever been a day where arthur came to accept merlin’s magic but still had to help merlin hide it there could have been an entire episode of arthur nearly blowing merlin’s cover because he’s a nervous nelly and at the end he goes “i cant believe you have had to do this 24/7 for YEARS without a single friend to help you” and merlin goes “well now i have you” anyway.

i love also that repeatedly when arthur goes to do something scary by himself he also brings merlin. they LITERALLY are two halves of a whole

“you’re threatening me with a spoon??” i can’t tell you about the unfortunate fanfics i have seen involving The Spoon. i shall also not mention the ones involving The Glove. we will not speak of it

I CANNOT BELIEVE STONEHENGE IS IIN MERLIN. i got so agitated i did not pay one bit of attention to the conversation following its reveal and me and cathy and had to rewind so i could listen properly

my hate-on for stonehenge goes thusly: stonehenge apocalypse, starring misha collins, is @callowyn‘s favorite movie. i have seen it 45 times. i hate it nearly as much as she loves it. it’s an age-old battle

merlin is so intense when he looks for signs in arthur that he DOESN’T totally hate magic...arthur using magic to see his dad again is one of those signs. he’s willing to turn to it in desperation - maybe he’d be willing in less desperate times too

“my father was taken from me before his time” i mean...he was practically in a coma. so like. he wasn’t

love that when arthur mentions merlins dad ONCE he immediately looks like he’s about to cry. mood. i also want to cry every time i think about merlins dad

up until the moment i laid eyes on uther i was SURE they werent actually gonna do it. i came into this thinking it was a FLASHBACK EP

for the record (and believe me i NEVER thought i’d say this) even though i waited and waited for his demise and cheered when he was gona for good...i really missed uther in season 4. at least with uther you know what you’re getting. agravaine (his replacement as “evil guy who keeps us from being able to solve our problems too easily”) was a slimy cowardly CREEP. and in season 5 i WISH things were as simple as “work around uther’s pigheaded unreasonableness”

for a hot second i really thought uther and arthur would have a nice conversation where they reconciled or said something heartwarming. i was worried about an uther redemption arc - this guy is responsible for the genocide of magic users, he doesn’t deserve redemption - but this show said NOT TODAY and they said it QUICK

WE

ARE

SO

BLESSED

i have A LOT of issues with season 5 but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS WAS DADDY ISSUES 2.0 BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD

repressed trauma returns: harder better faster stronger!! that’s the STUFF

was i not just speaking the other day on my fanfic ask meme about how i love emotionally intense stuff? this is IT babey

uther’s such a bad father! he’s with his only child again for the last time in ever and all he does is tear him a new one! this is why arthur’s such a fucked-up human being (morgana too) 

i’m THRILLED we got to revisit this. his eyes get bigger and bigger and he starts fucking stammering and by the time uther’s done calling him weak and a failure he looks ready to CRY. i was HOLLERING. i still couldnt believe uther was even HERE and not only is he HERE he’s a WRECKING BALL

“this CAN’T be the last time i’ll ever see you” oh buddy you’re gonna wish it was

and he looks back, as he leaves. of COURSE he does. just like lot’s wife. so it goes.

you know how at the end of every supernatural episode sam and dean debrief and talk about their feelings in the car? for merlin and arthur it’s almost always done around a campfire at night - sometimes in arthur’s chambers or other places, but usually out here in the wilderness where it’s just the two of them. i’m...really going to miss it, when it’s gone.

“my father doesn’t approve of the way i’ve chosen to rule his kingdom” “you mean YOUR kingdom”

you know i don’t think i really got...like, fundamentally, on a deep level...that merlin fucking HATES uther

i’ve seen him save uther’s miserable life so many fucking times that i thought for merlin it was kind of the way it was with gwen - he feels nothing for him, but he looks after him for arthur’s sake (or as i came to understand later because he’s professor x about the whole thing)

but the way his expression got SO UGLY when arthur revealed that uther just shit-talked him the entire time...holy fuck

between that & some other stuff that happens later it really paints a clearer picture of like...uther’s dead so merlin doesn't have to hold back anymore and he FUCKING HATES HIM?? like obviously he SHOULD bu i just never SAW it before this. merlin LOATHES him. it’s INCREDIBLE to witness when he bore it so silently for so long. maybe even merlin didn’t realize just how much he hated him until now

and not to get too real here but if youve ever been friends with someone who had an abusive/toxic parent or was in an abusive/toxic relationship and you watch them feeling like shit after and they start making excuses for that asshole like “oh yeah he’s right about x” and you just want to find this horrible person and THROTTLE THEM that emotion is like ALL OVER merlin’s face rn. i didn’t actually seriously "”ship”” merlin and arthur until late season 4/early season 5 (i didnt like dislike it i just wasnt actively bothered by a lack of it) and what changed was this vibe. merlin wants to kill uther all over again just because he made arthur feel this way. he’s so fuckijng PROTECTIVE

and he still almost manages to drag a smile out of him via roasting, god bless these 2

ok so i didnt believe this show would actually DO THAT re: putting uther himself in this ep but i was doubly shocked by the fact that he HITCHED A RIDE AND GOT OUT

me shrieking during this entire poltergeist sequence: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HIM?? HOLY FUCK HE IS LITERALLY HAUNTING ARTHUR I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE DOING THIS I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE GIVING US THIS etc etc etc

actually most of that was probably muffled nonsense because i was yelling with both hands over my mouth

percival’s the realest motherfucker on this whole show. dude survives a murder attempt in which he got an AXE lobbed at him by the fucking GHOST of a power-mad genocidal king and he’s like: yeah idk i guess it fell

there was thunder in the bg for this WHOLE ep and i’m Big into it

absolutely CACKLING at the bit where merlin has to ask arthur if he looked back at uther’s spirit. it’s one of those nice big heavy questions - so heavy, in fact, that arthur can’t answer, can’t even LOOK at merlin, either because he’s ashamed or because he’s bugging out or both. you thought this shit was over? it’s never over! daddy issues are a lifelong ride, pal! arthur’s just get to haunt him literally this time. god it’s so fucking good

can i just say? merlin reads that damning silence reeeal well. and it’s a big, heavy thing to know about arthur - but then again he knows all the big heavy things about arthur

the score for this episode is really good too...very suspenseful and good, adds a lot to the atmosphere, keeps it from getting too slow

there’s a hint of merlin’s absolute HATRED of uther in this conversation again - the way his face tightens when he says “uther would do anything to protect his legacy and that makes him dangerous, who knows what he’s capable of now”

and arthur dismisses him because he can’t hear this but merlin almost refuses to leave - and when he DOES leave, he doesn’t take his eyes off arthur for one fucking second. he stares him down all the way out of the room. i don’t think it’s because he’s angry with arthur, per se - he’s angry with uther, and he knows uther in a way arthur never can or will, as someone ruthless who will kill without warning or remorse. he’s afraid of uther and he’s trying to get arthur to be afraid of uther too before it’s too late and LSDKFJGHSLDFJH

if you’re thinking “thats a lot to interpret from one look” yes it is but i’m right. IT’S A BIG, HEAVY LOOK. NICE AND LOADED. love unpacking all of that

i cant believe this dude tried to KILL GWEN like he really is coming after everything that makes arthur happy. im so glad it was merlin that saved her. i really do think merlin is her best friend

multiple times in this serious arthur fidgets when he’s nervous or thinking, usually with his hands near his mouth. i am endeared to him. my poor boy

“i always knew my father could be cruel but why would he do this to gwen when he knows i love her” BECAUSE HE’S CRUEL

merlin knows. merlin knows his cruelty much better than arthur. boy does he know. i’m dying. it’s fine

love that at this part of the ep we slide seamlessly into the “merlin and arthur are both scared shitless” section which was truly one of my favorite things about the s4 opener. they’re both so fucking jumpy and giving each other shit about being frightened and continuing to be frightened anyway. the DELICIOUS IRONY of arthur finally being scared of uther in the way merlin has been scared of uther for Y E A R S oh my god it’s so GOOD

do also love the entire silent conversation they have when deciding what to do about the door. this is what i mean by their upgraded vibe.l in the early seasons merlin wouldn’t have understood and his lack of understanding would have been played for laughs. now they’re totally in sync

here’s the thing, gaius could have made this magic “able to see uther’s ghost” potion for just arthur and he didn’t. he made it for both of them. everything arthur does merlin does. they’re partners in all things. they’re COMPANIONS. and this is why i finally now Ship It. tragic.

you know this is a kind of weird comparison but late seasons arthur reminds me JUST a bit of gwaine. he complains so much less that he sort of has that same “roll with whatever” vibe to him. pretend to faint so you can steal some guy’s dagger? why not. take this foul potion that may kill us? sure, let’s do it. come what may he’s not really fussed. much more unflappable

until he starts getting spooked again LMFAO 

we do love a good pair of spooked dumbasses. this is charming and entertaining.

leon HAD to know they were lying about poetry. he probably thought they were having.......a tryst,

love also that even in this very dire moment merlin does NOT miss the chance to have some fun at arthur’s expense. that’s true friendship

i got jumpscared three separate times during this ep and one of them was when uther was glaring down merlin and arthur in the hallway after leon left

arthur didn’t jump but he did go hunting after him and to his credit he does not look scared. he looks like a man who is trying to deal with his business and get his shit together

merlin made that FACE again when arthur expressed sadness at hunting his own father because all he ever wanted to DO was make him proud

honestly it’s like since he can’t shit-talk uther he just sings arthur’s praises instead like this here is a guy who is just barely holding his tongue about how fuckin pissed he is. i cant believe it

splitting up was the WORST idea. have they not seen scooby doo??

love that when merlin gets cornered by uther’s ghost and gets scared he yells for arthur and when arthur gets scared because his torch blows out he yells for merlin. you fools, why did you SPLIT UP

uther locks arthur in the room with him, which is already some top tier content, but doubly good? it’s the same room in which arthur nearly ran him through in 2.08. don’t think i didn’t notice. i did notice. i was shrieking into my hands.

seriously this is a pretty calm liveblog but the first time i watched this ep my face was like this the whole time: O O

just kept going “HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD” over and over. it was greeat

“arthur your fatal flaw is that you put too much trust in other people” do you think arthur, who now has a complex about people betraying him, ever forgot that for one second in his entire life afterward? me neither

speaking of 2.08 arthur dropped some FACTS “your hatred comes from fear” i'm sure they didn’t do it on purpose but #throwbacks

i’m fully experiencing human emotion. “i’m not you, i can’t rule like you did” he’s trying SO HARD to fight his way out of that bullshit

also lmao arthur like “then you’ll have to kill me” and uther like “yeah okay” arthur didn’t KNOW how this man was this could have been SUCH a good awakening

AND NOW IT’S TIME

FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS EPISODE

when i say merlin hates uther. WHEN I SAY MERLIN H A T E S UTHER

HIS LINE HERE. ok. “get away from him, uther. you’ve caused enough harm” he’s furious! he’s GROWLING! 

“you are just a serving boy” “i am much more than that” listen. human words cannot express the emotion that ran through me. when they said “we’re gonna bring back anthony head as uther” i doubted. when they said “he’s gonna be the bad guy and reopen all of arthur’s old wounds” i doubted. when they said “he’s still here LITERALLY haunting arthur who now has to HUNT HIM” I DOUBTED. i didn’t believe they’d do any of it until it was happening on my screen. but ONE LOOK at merlins face made a MOTHERFUCKING BELIEVER out of me. i knew exactly what he was about to do. pretty sure i gasped “NO” in astonishment

AND HE DID THAT

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

NOT ONLY. DID I SHRIEK ALOUD. FULL SCREAM. WHEN IT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME. BUT JUST NOW. WHEN I WATCHED HIM DO IT AGAIN. MORE SCREAMING.

how LONG do you think merlin had ACHED to do that

to show himself to uther for what he was, what he REALLY WAS, someone to be reckoned with instead of someone to be overlookedd, without fear of consequences

i can’t even like

like just imagine the triple rush of 1. satisfaction 2. rage 3. lingering habitual terror

i think at this moment merlin was closer to and more like morgana than he had ever been and maybe ever will be again. because the two of them have so much in common but one thing i didn’t really clock until now is how much they both hate uther

it’s so good. uther is SHOCKED and DISMAYED and this is like merlin’s old fear come back from death too (getting found out by uther) while at the same time being a dream come true (getting to tell uther what he really thinks, who he really is - “i was BORN with it!”) he’s so ANGRY! he is LIVID!)

he’s also really SATISFIED like “even while you were king there was magic at the heart of camelot” GOD how long has he been WAITING for this and not even realized it

and like then uther starts spewing his hateful bullshit and stalking forward with the intent to kill and my guy merlin who should be terrified STANDS HIS MOTHERFUCKING GROUND and says right over him “you’re wrong, you’re wrong” for thirty beautiful seconds merlin really got to be free. i know i will keep comparing things to 2.08 until i die but it’s just like when arthur was almost ready to kill uther in cold blood because for one perfect, brilliant moment he really and truly saw clearly the world as it was. i really love these moments...the strength of their respective convictions is so gratifying

merlin yeeting uther through a door is also gratifying although i have no idea what he hoped to accomplish by following without waking arthur first

i. LOVE. that the camera lingered a little on the spears or whatever after merlin walked by them. nice little foreshadowing moment

THOSE SPEARS GOT AWFULLY CLOSE BUT IM PRETTY SURE UTHER MISSED ON PURPOSE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TAKE HIS TIME. HIS MISTAKE

okay merlin spent the better part of a lifetime dreading uther’s death sentence and here’s uther stalking down a hallway sword pointed at his chest and certain death is IMMINENT and what does merlin’s face look like?

arthur comes in with the rescue and INSTANTLY his expression changes to?

IT’S BETTER IN MOTION BUT HE LOOKS READY TO CRY

my immediate thought: oh jesus what if uther outs him

i knew he wouldnt bc of spoilers but i would bet a benjamin that that was merlin’s first thought too

tbh. i wish he had.

i kind of wonder if merlin doesn’t wish the same thing. like yes being outed like that is terribly violating and he’s terrified of telling arthur obviously or he would have already but at the same time there would be so much relief once it was finally out. no more secret-keeping. no more burden

i mean, if you go back and watch it, dude’s straight up shaking. he’s trembling all over. he’s losing it. that last teary glance they exchanged.......

uther was two SYLLABLES away from blowing the whole thing

and in a better happier canon where arthur knows and was waiting for merlin to tell him this is like double angst because uther wouldve ben blowing something for them both

i like arthurs followup of realizing that he’ll never be able to please uther (step 1 of breaking away from the cycle of abuse) but for the LIFE OF ME

i will NEVER be able to understand why they segued into this GLOVE THING

i’m not talking about the glove thing

i will say however that by the end of this episode i was so hysterical i had to get up and get water and pace around my kitchen for ten minutes fanning my own face

and that’s it. that’s the second-best episode of merlin and the last good episode there ever was

[erivalle]

Below is a rant and I bring up emotional abuse so warning if you are curious. Complete ramble about stuff. 

I realize that I am a 23 year old living at home and pretty much college drop out until I get started again, but I was hoping that reaching adulthood, not being under the same roof as my mother, and such would mean I would stop being my mothers therapist. I am fucked. Just emotionally and mentally screwed but still functional but I am so fucking exhausted and irritated every time my mother messages me. She pretty much only messages me when she is depressed and self deprecated. She guilt's like “Im sorry I am not a good mother to you”, “Do you hate me”, “I wish I was there for you”, “Im sad and wish you lived with me”, etc. I love her but I am so sick of this being our sole communications pretty much. Every conversation she slips in something to guilt and warrant reassurance. It has always been like this. I can’t remember a time when once a day minimum our conversations went somewhat like that. Between my child self being a therapist to my mother, and dealing with my dad’s anger issues and yelling over stupid things (yelled at me calling both mom and I slobs because I didn’t pick something up right away), it is no wonder I came out as fucked as I am. I lived in a household that was on the verge (if not actually) emotionally abusive or detrimental. Soooooooo much gaslighting, yelling, and relying on me being the adult emotionally speaking. I just can’t connect with people and am conversely cold and clingy. I have no concept of how to handle my own emotions and emotional bonds. I just am a complete mess but thank gods I am functional even if not completely. I just want to scream every time I talk to my mom. She has had a shit life especially the past 2 years but I am so disconnected and just feel annoyed now every time she talks to me in this line of thought. A lifetime of being her backbone (sole companion to talk to? so called “favorite person”???) I just built such a wall so I could deal with things objectively that I still can’t be anything but cold feeling (obviously not in the words I say, or voice I use when I talk to her). I am just tired of being there for her, she is there for me but not nearly to the extant that I am for her. And dad just refuses to comprehend anything I say and just denies anything that doesn’t fit his box of understanding (often narrow and lacking in facts).  This has been a shit week (mentally speaking, good every other aspect). And my mom literally texted me as I type kind of set me off on this rant. I don’t think I was abused, but I definitely didn’t/don’t have exactly healthy relationships with my family (except my brother). I do think I show some of the signs of emotional abuse but I am not sure if that isn’t in part to me being mentally ill, of if any sort of emotional abuse led to me being in part mentally ill. I probably really need to talk to a therapist but for now I think I am some what capable of coping. Can’t sustain it since I think I am going to have a minor breakdown soon (can feel it and overdue for one lol). Lol pretty depressed right now. 

[botanistlester]

Hi Rachel! First off, I want to say that I’ve been following you for awhile and you’re hands down one of my favorite blogs :) I have a hella amount of respect for you, you’re super awesome! So you’re the first person I thought of to ask a question about this so I figured I’d go for it.

Pt 2. What were some of the signs you noticed that your mom may be abusive? I’m starting to realize that my relationship with my own mom may be borderline emotionally/mentally abusive but I don’t want to jump to an uninformed conclusion, you know? I adore her and she’s one of the most important people in my life, and I know she loves me a crazy ton, but there are just some... things that other loved ones have told me aren’t healthy and I recognize it too. Thank you so much :)

-

Hi friend, thank you for such a good compliment! That’s really sweet of you and I appreciate it! secondly, i want to start off by saying an apology to anyone who’s sent me a message these past few weeks about anything serious that I haven’t answered. I’ve been going through a lot and working like 30 hours per week on top of school and i’m very very tired so i haven’t been able to answer things, especially if they’re particularly triggering or asking for advice or something like that. Anyways, onto this message. So there were a few things I noticed when I moved away to college about three years ago, but it wasn’t anything i thought about until recently. The first thing that I noticed was that my mom sent me text messages every single day. That may be fine to most people, but if I didn’t respond within like ten minutes, she would send a huge NOVEL asking if im mad at her or asking why im not responding, etc, even though I was working or in class. That was the first thing. It didn’t start becoming bad until around summer time last year, and it became ESPECIALLY bad when I got engaged in march. Last summer, my fiance got a job offer in Kentucky where he would be working with my brother and my father. Since he didn’t go to college, this was an amazing opportunity and he got a lot of benefits AND my father even offered to let him move in with him so that Alan didn’t have to rent a place and could save up money. Well, my mom flipped out. I live in Indiana currently and Kentucky is about a three hour drive from me. Not bad right? Well, my mom was fucking livid. We got in a huge argument about how I was destroying her dream of living next to me and taking care of my children and how she wouldn’t be able to see me all the time. It was... pretty bad. She calmed down a little bit after that until i got engaged. At first I thought I was going to be living in  Indiana still when I got married, but that changed when I realized I was going to be living in Kentucky instead. So I decided I’m gonna have my wedding in Kentucky. She freaked out again, said I was ruining her dreams of hosting my wedding (even though she isnt paying for any of it), and this went on for a very long time. It’s still going on. My dad offered to let me have my wedding in his yard bc he owns a lot of land and my mom flipped again. She flipped when I told her I didn’t want to have my wedding in a church or have a catholic wedding because i’m not religious. She flipped out when my step mom said that she and my dad were going to be paying for my wedding. Blah blah blah. So anyways. I sat down about a month ago and had a chat with my step mom, Laura. She had issues with her mom and ended up moving to an entirely different country to get away from her (shes from spain) and she doesn’t want that to happen to me, obviously. But she told me some things that she noticed about my mom throughout the year. I’ve been remembering some stuff my mom did to me when I was little that I somehow blocked from my memory. When I was 11 I wanted to move to Ohio with my dad and started to see a therapist to see if that’s the best option for me and my mom called the therapist and said she’ll kill herself if i move in with my dad and then proceeded to drive to Ohio to stand in front of my dad’s house. needless to say, i didn’t move in with my dad. When I was 15 i was in an abusive relationship and she said i needed to stay with him because he’d kill himself if i broke up with him. once i did get away from that situation, she constantly put down all of my boyfriends afterwards and said that they “weren’t like him”. And then I was talking to my brother a few days ago and he said that when he moved out, my mom blocked his way so he couldn’t leave and he had to shove her out of the way and then she was screaming at his wife that she ruined the family, blah blah blah. 

tldr; All in all, it’s a long history and I’m fucking dying because i’m realizing all of this and my mom used to be my best friend so there ya go

[littleglassheart]

Fear

I see my Therapist today and it is definitely long overdue!  I’m actually happy that I finally get to see her.  

She makes a lot of valid points but the one that I’m thinking about right now is... a lot of things that I’m afraid of are so big in my mind but in reality, they aren’t that big of a deal!  What this means to me? Because obviously she said it better... is that I ignore a lot of things, like my health, moving, bills, etc because I’m afraid of it.  I just ignore them all together because I am afraid to know the truth.  The reason she said this to me is because I have an issue with overspending and not budgeting my finances.  The reason I do this is because its easier to ignore and hope its there, then actually look and see how much we have.

She made a great point... is it really as big as my mind thinks it is?  This post was triggered because I wanted to go into my bank account and then got too scared to do it.  If i wasn’t so afraid of it, then maybe i could learn to save better.  Feelings are powerful but they aren’t dangerous.

Sometimes our thoughts and emotions aren’t the truth.  I get cringy even with my husband.  

She mentioned is the reason I’m cringy is because he’s male?  I mean truthfully, I’m like that with my mom to.  So i know its not just cause of males.  But... at the same time, I don’t like any kind of attention from men either.  I don’t know... Natalie seems to think its because of my past.  But honestly, I still haven’t been able to emotionally connect the two.

In my mind.. I truly believe that the stuff from my past doesnt affect me now.  But what if it does and I’ve suppressed it so well and so deeply that I just dont know how much it does bother me.  I dont know.. but I hope that time will tell me the answers.

Be aware of an emotion without judging it.  Just think thats interesting.

If i refuse to look at my feelings and keep avoiding feelings, thats when they feel so scary because they are so big.  Everything overflows...

Like holding back the ocean.

I’m afraid of feeling.  I have been numbed for awhile.  

I think this all really started about 7 years ago.  Right when Bill moved in with me and my mom and step dad.  I think I’ve always been numb to my feelings but it was at least manageable.  I was loving, kind, happy, engaged in life, had a good social life.. it wasn’t perfect but it was manageable.  The past was manageable.

There was a defining moment when I think my heart became numb.  Poor Bill.  Innocent, kind, sweet Bill moves in around the same time I find out my step dad is cheating on my mom.  My mom didnt have anywhere to turn or how to deal with her own feelings so she took it out on me.  She’s always had an anger problem but it hasn’t been since high school that she was really ruthless.  Her 20+ marriage was going downhill fast and my step dad was gone for days at a time.  He lied his ass off and my mom was in severe denial.  She lived this fake persona as if she believed all his bullshit but i knew in my heart she knew better.  She just didnt want to face it.  So instead she’d get angry with me over the stupidest shit or for things I had nothing to do with. The longer my step dad was gone- the angrier and out of control my mom would get.  She would say the worst, horrible, foul things you could possible imagine.  She screamed at the top of her lungs.. literally scream, like someone was cutting her open or trying to kill her.  And all that screaming and anger was directed at me and while it was easier to cry it out and move on when it was just the two of us, something about Bill seeing and hearing it for himself literally killed me.  Every time she called me fat or worthless or bitch or threw something at me, a little piece of me died.  I couldnt protect him.  I felt severe shame, heartbreak, loss, major trauma from this and to make it worse?  I was being beaten up by my mom (not physically) for all the pain she was feeling from my step dad but at the same time, keeping the biggest secret of my life that I knew would send her over the edge.  So I was defenseless in so many ways and yet I couldn’t tell her that I knew he was cheating.  It was a lot to handle.  A lot.  

What i said just wrote to my husband

Remember when we lived on Horatio and my mom would loose her mind and scream at me.  Like literally scream.  Saying awful, horrific things to me at the top of her lungs and slamming shit? Remember in the beginning I would go into the room and sob... i would fall to my knees and sob.  You were so helpless, there was nothing you could do to protect me.  And i knew you wanted to.  I knew when we first started dating and you lived there that you wanted to say something, i remember vaguely times when you first experienced all that fighting that you were angry and I had to beg you not to say anything.  I kept telling you that you would only make it worse.  I think i even threatened you not to.  Like, "oh if you dare confront her I'll leave you" sort of shit.  I might be wrong.  But you knew i was serious about it.  So you never did.  I remember you wanted to.  I feel like I should have let you.  From the very beginning I emasculated you, emasculated as in...  made you keep quiet, stay in the shadows, not say anything... and you didnt.  You did exactly what I asked and maybe that wasn't the right thing to do.  Maytbe i should have but I was so scared of her and I had nowhere else to go and in a new relationship... I was SOOO scared of how she'd react.  Things were hard enough.  And here we are.. years later and one of my biggest gripes I have with you is the fact that you dont stand up for me.  (not an issue right now) but just in the past you know?  And I think back and im like, DAMMM I'm part of why you dont.  I dont know.. i know the reason I am the way I am now is because of what transpired while we were in Horatio and part of Victoria.  The shit that happened with my mom and step dad was unbearable.  She was literally abusive.  And all the while i was hiding this secret because i still wanted to protect her.  Fucking insane.  I have a looooooong ways to go but i'll get there.  Natalie (my therapist) said.. I'm afraid of feeling.  she said... "If i refuse to look at my feelings and keep avoiding feelings, thats when they feel so scary because they are so big.  Everything overflows...  Like holding back the ocean."  She said, "when i get awkward or cringy or weirded out by you or others, its not really you that caused it..." Its all the years of being numb.  Numb to sadness and numb to happiness.  I never thought about it before... but shes right, I dont just fear the bad things, I fear the good to.  I don't like to feel either one.  She really is changing my life.  And here we are, and I dont even want you to respond LOLLL because I dont want to feel the cringe from what you'll have to say.  LOLLLL but i'll get there with time.  I will.

[wrenwritesometimes]

Falling Slowly

A/N: This is for @wildfirewinchester‘s “Meg’s Birthday Challenge”! My prompt was “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard. Thanks to my literally-so-amazing sister @imnoaingeal for beta’ing a shitton this weekend. ♥️😘

On a more personal note, I am currently sO emotionally raw right now. I am nauseous over the catastrophe that occurred just today in Manchester. Send your prayers and good wishes to the families of those who passed and those who have been injured, and those who have been traumatized. 

God, now I feel like a fuckin’ vein dick for posting this tonight... 

Maybe it was just a stupid crush…

Hell, I know it was a stupid crush…

But the mysterious stranger that stopped by our town of PodunkVille was worth it.

I didn't find out his name until his fourth visit… but, again, it was worth it.

I didn't know him, but I wanted him all the more for that. I was sick of the relationships I had had. Bein’ used and abused, loved and left.

I wanted a stranger.

The first time he spoke to me, it was a flirtation. I could tell he didn't really mean it; but it nevertheless tripped me up, his words falling through me… And, as always, fooled me. I couldn't react, no matter how much I wanted to.

It was a game to him, and maybe even to me. It would play itself out.

It wasn't until I was snatched from my car in the parking lot of the diner that I realized that my town wasn't the same… That there was probably a reason he and the man’s taller partner were in town.

I woke up alone and in a cave. I woke up surrounded by half-eaten carcasses and skeletons. I woke up needing to stay alive.

I tried my hardest to find my way out of the cave. I had grown up in the area, and I literally never knew we had cave systems; maybe no one did, if there were things like this in them.

I found my way out; I have no idea how. I ran face first into him; Dean.

That was how I met him. That was how I became a hunter.

It had been years since I picked up a guitar, but a relaxed, buzzed night at Bobby’s brought me to the nostalgia of callused finger tips and guitar picks.

I gently strummed an old song I had taught myself years earlier, when life was but a dream, and I had stars in my eyes looking at a total stranger.

Needless to say, such a crush only vanished from being surrounded by the hunter culture and the Winchesters themselves. I respected the actual hell out of them.

They had saved the world… and I had served coffee... I was glad of my decision to leave my town and start this. Proud of it.

By that point - a full three years later - I could easily joke to anyone but Dean that I had been smitten.

I didn't really ever notice how I wasn't the one falling slowly.

Sitting there, strumming the guitar, I felt nostalgia. Nostalgia of when the only thing I had to worry about was if I wanted to be a diner waitress my whole life… and who I'd marry. Nostalgia of when I wanted nothing more than to seek the warmth of a stranger.

Simpler times. Vainer times.

I didn't hear or see Dean until he sat right beside me. I paused only momentarily in my strumming to smile at him.

I looked back out to the junkyard, blissfully unaware that Dean was simply watching me.

“You sing?” He asked quietly, his voice rough, as usual.

I looked to him again, and stopped playing.

“Yeah,” I murmured, nodding.

“You should sing, then.”

I grinned bemusedly at him. “Why?”

He shrugged, pursing his lip nonchalantly. “Because I asked?”

I chuckled. “Can't argue with that,” I said and started playing the chords to the chorus of the song, singing as softly as I could.

“Take this sinking boat and point it home, we’ve still got ti-i-ime,” I carried out the note, “raise your hope-ful voice, you have a choice, you’ll make it no-o-ow…” I carried out the note again, but paused in my singing… I looked up bashfully at Dean, this song wasn't a good choice…

He looked expectantly at me, his smile blinding.

“Fall...ing,” I sang barely above a whisper, but loud enough to still be singing, “slow…ly, eyes that know me, and I can't go-back… and words fall through me, and always fool me, and I can't react…”

I slowly placed my fingers over the next chords as my eyes bored into Dean’s as an odd tension that I guess only I felt began…

“Moods that take... me, and era-ase me, and I'm painted black…” I again slowly, deliberately, placed my fingers over the chords and looked away from him. “You, have, suffered enough, and warred with yourself, it’s time that you won…”

I looked down at the old, beat up guitar as I sang the chorus again. I hadn't even noticed I had gained volume… but when I did, I sang gently again.

“Fall...ing slow...ly, sing your mel-o-dy, I'll sing alo-o-ong…”

Strumming softly now, I sang the softest part, “Played the cost too late… now you're gone…” and I was done.

I didn't know why I did that, and I regretted singing in the first place. How was I supposed to look him in the eye…

Leaning the guitar against the house, I avoided looking at Dean as I fled to my assigned guest room.

Dean must've sat on the porch for a long time, but really, it must have only been just a few minutes.

I didn't expect him to come to my room and knock.

“Y/N,” he called through the door, his voice low and quiet.

I grimaced and tangled my hand in my hair to demonstrate a silent reaction instead of… just goddamn screaming.

He knocked again. “I know you're in there…”

“Obviously,” I snapped and regretted it instantly.

I made it quickly to the door and opened it a fraction, but I couldn't look him in the eye.

“Hey.” I looked up awkwardly to him after his call to attention, clenching my jaw. “That was beautiful.”

I cringed and almost closed the door. “You're lying.”

Dean was silent for a moment, his face carefully blank. “Yeah, well… I wouldn't.”

I couldn't help it when I snorted. “Well, now that there’s a lie too.”

Dean’s eyebrows furrowed seriously. “I wouldn't lie to you.”

My face fell, and I felt insecure about everything all at once. My friendship with the boys, my place in Bobby’s house, my role in hunting… how I was standing, my clothes, even how my hair looked.

I fidgeted with the doorknob and I debated closing it again.

Dean seemed to notice and he placed a gentle but firm hand on the door. “I'm being serious.”

“I know,” I mumbled into the corner of my door.

His face softened slightly, his eyes shining that certain way when he felt… sad, but smiled. It was the smile that was most true and genuine. “Then don't question what I say.”

“Yessir,” I replied with a small smile.

Dean's face became serious again, though. “May I come in?”

He stood stock still as I was taken aback. I stammered as I tried to gather myself.

“U-uh, sure, y-yeah.” I opened the door.

He took the step in and closed my door himself.

“Y/N,” he said softly, his eyes tired and heavy. “I'm tired’a dancin’ around this.”

My heart sped up as my stomach dropped and I looked down to my feet.

“I don't know how you feel anymore, but I know how I do.”

I looked up again, baffled by this admission.

“It's not…” he scoffed at himself, shaking his head, his eyebrows furrowed. “It's not too late to pay the cost, if you catch my drift.” 

I stared up into his evergreen, fanfiction green, eyes and I lost all inhibitions.

I closed the gap between us, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissed him long and hard. He responded quickly, inhaling heavily, his chest physically moving me as his hand wove itself in the hair at the base of my skull.

His stubble tickled my top lip and I couldn't help but smile against him, my heart pounded and my legs shaking as I chuckled out of the kiss. I rested my forehead against his own and he swayed us back and forth, his hands heavy on my hips.

“I have…” he cleared his throat, “I have been wanting to do that for months.”

You cleared your own throat, beaming. “Ditto.”

Dean chortled. “‘Ditto’?”

“Don't fight me on word choice, Winchester.”

He pressed a long kiss against my hairline, humming a response.

What took me by utter surprise was when he started us swaying again as he quietly sang, “Fall-ing slow-ly… eyes that know me… and I can't go back…”

[vmheadquarters]

ASK THE FANDOM--RESPONSES

Here’s the latest Ask the Fandom question:

I’m doing yet another rewatch of VM, and one instance that makes my heart hurt each time is the moment Veronica asks Logan to dance in Season 2, Episode 17 - Plan B. That scene is so well acted and so emotionally heavy, and yet I have a hard time understanding why it’s so intense? Can anyone please explain why Veronica suddenly wants to dance (besides saving Gia from verbal abuse)? And why is that scene so wonderfully painful to watch?

And here’s what you had to say:

@mysilverylining--Because she really did want to be first in line to ask him to the Sadie Hawkins dance, but recited his prize-winning paper when she lost the element of surprise? Because she has a thing for politicians, and somebody’s rocking the  Honorary Deputy County Commissioner title? Because after finding the truck driver, she proved to Logan that stakeouts can be much, much sexier in real life?   Because protecting Gia gave her the perfect excuse to get that close to Logan again? Honestly, I don’t know what Veronica’s motivation was here, but it’s one of my favorite L/V scenes ever.  The way she keeps sneaking peeks from under her eyelashes, the way Logan’s hand tightens on her hips, the way the other couples disappear, and it’s just them under the spotlight as the scene ftbs.

@brittany4824--I honestly don’t think I can top what @mysilverylining just said because it was too perfect for words but I’ll try to add some more. Veronica seemed to see the almost-verbal-smackdown as a good chance to get her hands on Logan (literally and figuratively). For me, I think it seemed like an impulsive move on her end. Because as soon as she pulls him away, I almost get this “oh shit what did I just do,” feeling from her. So she��s like, “well screw it, I’ll dance this dance and sneak some pretty cute looks at the love of my life."   The episode was really building for the execution of this moment, and so I think the intensity partially comes from that huge build up of tension. There’s minimal release here in this scene– they’re just dancing and they don’t even speak much, and yet it’s such a big moment (at least for us fans). It’s the gaze they both share. It’s what’s unspoken. Maybe it’s because I read far into things but… it’s the unsaid I’m sorry, it’s the regret they both share, it’s the yearning for something they don’t think they can have. As an audience we know they’re idiots in love whether they want to admit it or not. So that intensity, that wonderful pain, stems from the building need to have our two favorites finally admitting their real feelings. It’s a very intimate and raw and real moment between them, and I feel like it’s rare when we got that from Veronica and Logan (at least Veronica.. maybe that’s harsh) and here we get that. It’s a window into what their true feelings are. And we, as an audience, know that. We feel that. And it’s wonderfully, painfully beautiful.

@fatherjerusalem--Also though, it’s cuz she wanted the D (and I don’t mean Duncan), but didn’t quite know how to admit that yet. I mean, sure, mostly the nice emotional stuff above, but don’t ever doubt the D.

@risssaar--The scene just screams YEARNING to me. It’s in everything from the intense way they stare at each other to the placement of their hands and the way they barely move to the music. Don’t even get me started on the music - the lyrics are so freaking perfect for them and where they are in this moment it’s like the Perishers sat down and crafted it just so Logan x Veronica could have the dance of ultimate UST at the Sadie Hawkins dance. The focus of this whole scene is just them moving slowly in tandem with their hands around each other and gazing at each other really really intensely while the Perishers croon things like “It feels as though we’ve made amends. Like we found a way eventually” in the background. I mean…COME ON, could it be MORE perfect? There’s some epic eye contact here and there’s no doubt at all that these two idiots want each other SO badly yet neither of them takes the first step, so the tension just BUILDS AND BUILDS and we, the audience can feel it. We can feel the tension and the want and the way they almost ache to close the distance between themselves - it leaps off the screen and creates one of my favourite Logan x Veronica scenes ever. I think one of the reasons I love it so much is because it’s one of the few scenes where Logan x Veronica are not a couple but still kind of vulnerable and letting their true feelings bleed through,albeit unwittingly/unwillingly. Usually their post breakup conversation is conducted under a layer of sass and snark and this is one of those times where its all stripped away. Once they start dancing it’s all about what their faces and bodies say, the walls usually erected by their words is gone and all that’s left is the WANT. And yeah @fatherjerusalem she wants the D. BADLY. I don’t refer to it in my head as the dance of Ultimate UST for nothing.

@alzaetia--When I watched this ep with my husband, he said, “This dance is exactly their whole relationship. (pause) She should probably just fuck him. She obviously wants to.” Just thought I’d add another opinion from the male mind. Personally, I also saw this dance as a physical representation of their entire season 2 relationship. I call it, “In case you missed season two: This.”

@catalina-infanta--All im going to say is, THANK the GODS we got a movie!!!! Thank Venus the Goddess of Love, Thank Neptune, God of the sea, and yes, thank MARS the GOD of WAR!

@hermione-mak-gilmore--I mean, how perfect is this? This is literally LoVe’s story, or specifically what Logan would say to Veronica if he could. I would elaborate on this, but I think it’s pretty self-explanatory (although, if anyone wants to go full in depth, please do)! As usual, perfect song choices on Rob Thomas’ part!

[tayegi]

Its going downhill omg “And if I find out that you’ve let someone else touch what’s mine… You’ll regret it.” HE'S A PSYCHOPATH....I'm curious About what will happen between jimin and her while jungkook is away!

Anonymous said:I started getting creepy vibes from Jungkook in equilibrium back in ch 4 when the girl said she felt like he might hit her before he kissed her (which is not a normal feeling you should get from your lover, even fleetingly) and he just keeps getting worse. You're doing a great job at showing how unhappy she is so I think people who are defending jungkook are purposefully being blind cause you're clearly not portraying it as a healthy relationship and never have been. Hope you're doing well!

Anonymous said:The relationship the OC, Jungkook, and Jimin have in Equilibrium honestly makes me sad. Separately, I think they could be much happier but together they're toxic and destructive. None of them are doing something good because they're all using each other, and Jungkook's behavior is in no way "hot"... you've built an incredibly interesting story, and I'm excited to see where t goes!

Anonymous said:To the people who think jungkook in equilibrium: NO HE'S NOT. Honestly, I can't understand how people find him attractive still, but I'm going to try to guess. Maybe it's the idea of being so completely "loved" by someone or having them pour all of their attention onto you. But the thing is, you deserve better than some psycho who says they care. (1/2)

Anonymous said:You deserve someone who treats you like a human, not and object. You deserve to feel safe. to you, Lu: Thank you for writing such a beautifully morbid piece. I know it's not finished, and with all the frustrating responses it may be a lot to deal with at times since you're already so busy, but thank you. This story shows that relationships aren't always nice, or good, or healthy. It shows how tragic they can really be, and while someone may not be "good", they shouldn't have to deal with bs(2/2)

Anonymous said:It terrifies me that girls can find jungkook's character to still be attractive. There's a difference between someone being kinda protective or playfully jealous and straight up psychotic and possessive. I get that maybe it's like "oh but he was such a good guy" or that they're attached to an idea of jungkook in real life, but that doesn't make it any less concerning. In fact, it find it even more terrifying frankly. (1)

Anonymous said:The reason I find it more terrifying that people would still find him attractive if their reason is attachment to the real life human or previous attachment from earlier in the fic is that this is exactly how abusive relationships happen. It's not likely that someone will start off hitting you or being controlling on like the second week you're together. Everything will be close to perfect probably. (2)

Anonymous said:The whole issue (that I think your fic executes perfectly) is what happens when a relationship becomes something toxic, and this person (who you may or may not be in love with) becomes someone you never would have originally dated. But the inability to see the situation for what it is and to continue to idolize and love someone unconditionally is a huge concern. When you have to blur the lines of right and wrong for someone, chances are something is wrong. I just wish people could see that. (3)

Anonymous said:As someone who has been in a past relationship with him being possessive. It's not cute it's not sexy it's fucking terrible and terrifying. Lucky I was able to get out of it quickly. My older brother and mommy made a sure he would stay the hell away from me because he keep harassing me calls, texts, showing up at my house unannounced. Even tho this is a fanfic they are things people need to take seriously and not be light hearted about this.

Anonymous said:Ok honest time right now the new chapter of equilibrium gave a anxiety,It was just like I could feel the tension and the idk everything just coming over me and the times Jungkook said the oc was his and only his made me so uncomfortable and uneasy srsly it was like I was the one in an abusive relationship and then she tries to "escape" to Jimin and even then she can't because even subconsciously, idk if it makes sense,Jungkook its still trapping her and not letting go and I feel so bad for her

thekookiecrush said:I started reading Equilibrium today and I just finished it and omg, everything that is said or is happening, it's like a shot in my heart, sometimes I shivered because the whole situation is so fucked up but your story is so good, my heart is still racing from chapter 11. I can't wait for the story to be continued... thank you for that high-quality masterpiece

Anonymous said:ok like tbh im super done with every single anon that takes the time to actually defend jk's disgusting behavior. it might be difficult to look past his real-life persona as an idol, but come on. no man, no matter how beautiful or nice to other people, should be allowed to do this or even 1/5th of this to a woman. it's just not.......justifiable at all. like please get your heads straight and think for a few moments before sending practically misogynstic messages like this. im just....wow wtf

Anonymous said:Patiently waiting for Jin or yoongi to separate all of them. I can't trust jungkook for one sec it sound like there's more going on when he's not around the oc and jimin. I don't trust jimin obviously and the oc. Now it's gotten to the point where I'm just like please leave eachother the oc and jimin are hurting as of jungkook idk if he actually has real feelings for the oc but hmm. THEY ALL NEED TO GO.

awkward-kooks said:This is why we need to work harder against abuse. It's not a pretty thing to romanticize it since it is dangerous. As someone whose best friend is in an emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive relationship, it hurts seeing some of your readers thinking that Jungkook's personality (at least in the FANFICTION) is completely OK and valid since he's just "protecting" the reader or "getting jealous" of Jimin's character.

Anonymous said:Argh, reading the new chapter makes me feel kind of sick. I feel so bad for the OC and this whole situation is giving me anxiety. The way Jungkook is acting makes me want to scream at him hahaha :( I can't believe he doesn't see how wrong this is (being all possessive and guilt-tripping her and all) :((( but it was amazingly written so thank you!

Anonymous said:So I'll be honest enough to say that I just started reading Equilibrium. At first it feels so intense and you just start feeling on edge (in an angsty/giddy way). But after a while, the relationship dynamics begin to feel digusting! Don't get me wrong tho I 100% luv ur writing but the abuse is getting way out of hand and I wouldn't want that for myself my gawd i would've quit from day 1 hahaha cause im kinda possessive, and sharing with another person and endure abuse is a big fuck no!!

Anonymous said:Wow Equilibrium is getting scary. What scares me more is that you are writing an OC who is scared about what could possibly happen, she is being emotionally manipulated. And there are people who think that what JK is doing is sexy. I hope that your readers eventually understand what is and what isn't a healthy relationship. None of this is healthy. You want relationship goals look at Morticia and Gomez Adams. This is a fantastic piece of writing though. Thank you.

Anonymous said:Thank you for that amazing update holy shit. Jungcock is seriously scaring me so much and I feel so bad for the mc and Jimin. I feel as if Kookie purposely poisoned Jimins food. And honestly I'm so scared for the mc. Like the way Jungkook traps her and has this possessiveness, powering over the mc freaks me out so much. I feel as if the mc will not be able to take the possessiveness anymore and well run away? Thank you for the update. This chapter I feel is very important. Have a good day!

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR NOT FALLING PREY TO OUR DISGUSTING MISOGYNISTIC SOCIETY THAT TELLS US A POSSESSIVE, CONTROLLING, CRAZY MAN IS SEXY!!! IT’S NOT. IT’S FUCKING SCARY AKLSJDFKLSJF IM SO GLAD THAT THERE ARE SANE PPL OUT THERE

[groundramon]

Why does this website seem to function even worse every time i visit it

Any Ways su: future spoilers but 

SU discourse that’s like “steven is an abusive boyfriend” or whatever IS SO FUCKING FUNNY TO ME.  Like I know they’re probably SU crits who kept watching out of spite but I like to imagine that they were like “I can excuse Steven being the son/half-reincarnation and half-son of a genocidal dictator who came from a long line of genocidal dictators, but i draw the line at Steven being an idiot 16 y/o”

nyways the point was that those episodes were supposed to be extremely uncomfortable and you were supposed to side with Connie. Because there aren’t sides. Connie and Steven are on the same side.

The juxtaposition of almost every adult in Steven’s life complaining about how they failed him personally (even though its like “~three of these people are worse than the others, three of these people just dont fuckin belong~”) only for Connie to shout “STOP WALLOWING IN YOUR OWN MISERY AND JUST GO GIVE STEVEN A HUG DAMNIT” seems intentional to me. You could argue its the whole idea of kids being empowered in a story for kids (which is a fair thesis) but I think it goes deeper than that too.  I mean, smaller things weighed on Steven’s mind too - like Lars, Sadie, etc.  But they weren’t involved in this.  Things like Centipede traumatized him, but they weren’t involved in the final scene because they weren’t doing anything wrong now.  Steven cracked more with Connie than he did with many of the other situations but there’s a reason that, out of all the situations Steven was breaking under, Connie was the one to break him out of it.  And it’s not shipping bait, I mean you can call it a ship moment but the point of this, to me, is that Connie is emotionally mature.  Connie didn’t hurt Steven like the others did.  The others have something to “atone” for, if you want to be moralistic/super justice-based about it.  Connie doesn’t.  Connie just wants to help her boyfriend, her best friend.  Even though a situation between Connie and Steven caused Steven internal angst, I think this scene was meant to show that no, it wasn’t Connie’s fault, she didn’t do anything wrong.  The amount of “responsibility” she has in the matter doesn’t change with or without that situation - he’s her best friend and her boyfriend, of course she’s going to help him through his hard times regardless.

That being said. the episode was fucking HARD to sit through especially when being aro but still being very loving makes you form strong, relationship-like bonds with people, but obviously when a monogamous allo person finds an allo person they love, they’re going to gravitate towards that person instead, bc they have needs that I simply can’t satisfy and that’s no good. and also i have attachment issues so when they inevitably have less time to be with me 24/7 / im not their #1 priority it makes me a heckin depressed and it sucks so i always try to stop myself from getting close to people so that I Just Don’t Do That because it fucking sucks!!! its really bad!!! i hate feeling pain and I hate expressing pain and I hate expressing to people why what they did hurt me and I ESPECIALLY hate doing all that when the person didn’t even do anything wrong!! its not like they dumped me out of nowhere im just a clingy bitch!!! i feel like this rn

i forgot where I was going with this but- OH YEAH. adult steven is terrifying. especially because he was emotional and irrational for obvious reasons. please dont ever let him be any taller than 5′2 again I will Cry. why are men so scary when they yell ITS UPSETTING no i dont have trauma my dad Never Fucking Yells im just SO SCARED of the possibility and i DONT KNOW WHY its a PROBLEM.  Anyways Steven isnt allowed to be taller than me ok? ok. also draw steven fat again @ you cowardly fanartists, i know hes leaner but hes still meant to be big round huggable boy

Monster!Steven: exists Me: OH NO HES ADORABLE

Adult!Steven: exists Me: *screaming in fear*