#can i go one day without wanting to kill myself. thats all i fucking ask for and yet its so difficult for the people i am around daily irl

[flippedorbit]

i hate having to hang on by a thread every fucking day

[distinguisheddwarffriend]

Inspired by that post about Thranduil being all defensive/protective over Gimli in Valinor:

We all know the head canon of Thorin being all "no nephew of mine even associates with an elf" BUT

Just imagine, in a world where all three Durins survived, and Tauriel saved Kili (again), and some other elf healed his and Fìli's wounds last minute.

Thorin saw both his nephews almost die before him, has LIVED through how the gold sickness twists the mind and perception of things, and after coming to terms with Bilbo's theft of the Arkenstone, he for a while questions EVERYTHING.

And yes, he totally has a dramatic phase of self pity, holing up in his rooms, drinking Elvish wine (cus thats all there is atm) and smoking Gandalf's pipeweed, and mourning how "everything i knew is a LIE" and "if elves can make such amazing wine there HAS to be some good in them" and "I almost got my boys killed I am such a failure boooohoooo", and after Bilbo kicks his ass out if depression (and a STRONG worded letter from his sister) he is like "okay FUCK y'all I have TRAUMA TM and will do WHATEVER I WANT!!"

So when Kili all shyly comes forward one day asking if Tauriel can please stay with them in the mountain because she's banished from the Woodland Realm he's all "OF COURSE she can stay, you do you my precious boy, if Thranduil is stupid enough to let such a great warrior go we'll stick it to him"

and BAM, Tauriel joins Dwalin in leading Erebor's guard, and Dwalin is torn between "excuse ME u want me to share my job with a pointy eared maiden?" And "holy hell that lass has fire can't show how impressed I am".

And Tauriel Takes No Shit even from her own boyfriend, so Kìli is forced to take his new responsibilities seriously because "I did NOT lose my home to live with a CHILD, Kili", and Fili gets dragged into the whole thing without really understanding what happened, but hey, his lil brother is happy so who cares really.

And whenever someone at council (like Dain) complains about an Elf in the mountain, Thorin goes absolutely FERAL like "are you saying I don't know what's best for this mountain I just won from A DRAGON?! are you suggesting that my perfect baby nephew has bad taste? Huh? Exactly, didn't think so!!!!" And is a protective Papa bear "listen Tauriel if someone gives you shit you SHOOT them. No, not killing them, but, you know, just maim them a little to make a point. Trust me I'm the king."

And once Kili and Tauriel have their first child Thorin constantly kidnaps the kid and has them in the forge before they can even talk because "need to keep up that good old dwarven influence".

Anyway I'll go cry myself to sleep now.

[cassedyevihtt]

Solitaire and Radiosilence

I have been listening to these audio books again. About how these characters pour their hearts out online. And how people go through trying times but have friends thats there for them.

Examples of this is Tori she suffers alot alone and has to be there for charlie "i am the one thats suppost to be there when these things happen"

She cant bear the thought of someone being concerned and caring for her. But at the end of the day she feels safe with a person and lets him in. This is extraordinary.

Another thing that are common in fiction in general is that these emotional issues get to a high point where shit has got to go down. Like there starts a fire at Tori's school that makes her properly freak out and thats how she and people around her find out abt exactly how depressed she's been feeling.

Or when Tori sees micheal lose that scating competition. And he rages.

That sort of thing never happens in real life. Most of us suffer in silence. And it never gets this high point. It might gradually go over or it stays for a loooong time.

And if it does get a high point, people are never there to see it. Not the people you care abt most anyway.

Cuz u shield the people u care abt. U dont want them to go around concerned.

I freak out over things. It can get hard for me to stand or breathe sometimes and i can get a bit manic. This is all in my head. I can get easily overwhelmed bc i naturally think alot. And notice alot of things. Especially when doing something new. And not fun. Like work. This is just a basic truth for me. Something i need to live with and be patient with.

And when i get like that, sometimes I just want a hug. And other times i want people to fuck off and I just need a break and a snack. And some sleep. And to make a list.

How nice would it be for someone to know and understand that? I dont want people to be like "oh no will she be alr doing these big things she wanna do in her life?" I dont want them to make me doupt myself. I want them to stand by, see me suffer and see me pull through anyway. Like the push and pull. Both "u got this come on one more step!!" And "now u just chill, tomorrow u work"

Radiosilence has a sequence where Francis goes and finds his sister, tracks her down, fools aled's toxic af mother and finds his sister. Aled's sister and Francis and Daniel and Rain all drive 6 hours in the middle of a schoolday to find Aled.

And i feel like this also only happens in fiction. People truly caring for one another and seeing when other people are hurting and DOING something abt it. Solitaire had it realistic "i saw it comming and yet I did nothing" both charlie and tori said this to one another.

I wish someone would do that for me if they knew i was not feeling well. And i wish people would do that without it needing to be "i think she might kill herself" it could just be "mate, i think she's having a stressy day, so lets bake something nice for her and do something fun together" I mean, it doesnt have to get so serious before friends just contact each other or appear without warning and just hang out or talk.

I think, the friends that i have now, i probably wouldnt have taken that roadtrip for them in the middle of my schoolday. I'd think for them to sort it out by themself. Now, with Aled, the character's got a houndred hints that he was not okay. But in real life u cant tell. People just go around lying and maybe stop texting if they even did much in the first place.

I knew one friend was hurting herself. So i asked abt it. This was before i grew up. She talked abt it and i said for her to talk to me abt it from that moment onward. I also showed concern for another friend who had 'issues at home' I said for her to meet me after school one day where she could let it all out, and I would listen. So i did.

Another friend had panic attacks and I tried to show that i was there for them aswell. I tried to ask how they were, if they were getting help (which they were)

But then i went through shit. And i didn't feel anyone was there. I later told a friend myself, but before that no one really noticed.

I am pretty sure my main friend group knew shit was bad for me at some point. I said i'd done something stupid and they'd all ask what and i couldnt tell them.

Now later we dont really talk. My friend that had panic attacks isnt on the same wavelength as me anymore. We dont have the same interests and they have this other friend that is better. And i pissed of their little sister.

Its just. I think I chose the wrong friends. Friends who just wants to use me and discard me when i have nothing more for them to use, when i don't want to listen to their sob stories anymore. There is no genuine "how are u though?" Bc they do ask just to be nice but in reality everyone knows that they wouldnt be able to take the answer. They wouldn't want to hear the real answer. They just want to feel guilty. They want reassurance. They dont want to be there.

I am ready to move away from this place. I want fresh air. New friends that will take initiative. That wont just wait for me to make a move. But actually come around to my house and check up on me, not bc i seem sad but bc thats just a nice thing to do.

That they will call me instead of me just calling them. (For example one friend I called alot but he never called first)

And this is not me wanting pity. I dont do pity. What i want is understanding. And to be seen. Like micheal and Tori. For someone to stop and invest in the energy to get to know me, slowly. Quality time. Pick up cues and pieces of who i am. Not just the rough tough exterior i have (which I love) but the person inside too.

Maybe I'd like it to be more than one person so that I dont enter some Co-dependant relationship/friendship again. Still a bit hard to trust myself or anyone else after something like that. It has always been hard for me to trust others though.

In reality the only one that can save u is urself. It would be nice to have team players though. Real and actual team players.

[lucksea]

YESSSS POSTING LITTLE CHUNKS IS THE SPICE OF LIFE! 👀 the PLA self insert fic OR any Lucky Mew scraps u may have?

I DONT HAVE ANY LUCKY MEW SCRAPS AT THE MOMENT she was a sona alt design that got away from me and i havent decided enough of her plot to write anything. but heres ... i was going to do screenshots for this but again theres actually a lot of this and i thought about it and decided i might as well jsut post all of it so heres a long as fuck copy pasted entry of the entirety of the isekai doc. under the cut. have fun smile. featuring skylark my cohost and one of the anchors in the sea that is life

DAY ONE

-wake up on the beach

-literally no memory of how i got here. How the fuck did i get here

-i am still an adult man and i spawned in with a shiny jolteon

-oh god.

-im gonna fuck up the timeline so bad. Oh no

-skylark straight up talks to me and i physically pog

-immediately from now on attempt to down low talk to every pokemon i see. They are all as weirded out by this as the humans are

-my android. my fucking phone

-catch the little freaks for laventon same as usual. My hand eye coordination isnt that great but i only miss once ✌️

-the oshawott puts up a fight and sky zaps the fuck out of it. Hardly even a battle

-be questioned by cyllene

-look man …… i have no answers for you. I fell from the sky with this thing and no memory (of how the fuck this happened) i swear to god

-apparently nobody in the galaxy team has heard of being able to talk to pokemon.

-kamado does not like that i showed up no memory no money no job and started asking weird questions so he gives me a harder trial. Fight the alpha bibarel at the dam past deertrack heights

-rei and akari are both there. Thank god. If i fuck it up and stop being the protagonist one of them can do the story mode

-skylark points out that given the severity of catching a starly shinx and bidoof in the game, they are for sure definitely for real trying to kill us by making us fight an alpha bibarel on our first day

-well. thats probably fine. More glory for us

-walking through the obsidian fieldlands is actually really nice other than all the little bitches trying to kill me

-huh isnt this deertrack heights. Its weird to see it without a camp here. Oh god the fucking geodude

-we take on the alpha bibarel thats blocking the way to the woods

-by we i mean my buddy the mean green electric machine

-hm this thing is pretty strong actually huh what level is skylark supposed to be –

-[haggard and soaking wet] that thang didnt stand a chance 😏

-lament to skylark that i wish id gotten transformed into a different form because i want to wear the cool zoroark mask if it exists but i cant do that with glasses

-ok anyway. We’re clearly in this for the long haul we need to brainstorm a team

-skylark tries to do her I CAN TAKE CARE OF IT MYSELF shit and then we both stare into the distance as an image of arcanine fades into our minds

-no we need a water type.png

-but not bibarel. Sorry bibarel.

-laventon didnt give me the oshawott bc i literally already had a pokemon so samurott is off the table (SAD)

-eevee are so rare and i am not going to be the eeveelution guy so leafeon and vaporeon are also no go even if i like them. A freaky jolteon is enough

-what other water types are there.

-gyarados

-hatch a master plan to speedrun to kleavor and catch the gyarados flying around the mountain range above the forest

-I ALSO WANT A SCIZOR 🥺

-skylark voice Can you look me in the eyes and promise me that you will not start shaking and crying as soon as you get anywhere near a scyther. Can you truly say with a straight face that your insect phobia will not apply to pokemon if pokemon are real

-i believe in my ability to forget fear in the face of love. And i love scyther.

-both of those are flying types and kleavor is a rock type so unless i find a metal coat day 2 or i want to let my soon to be three idiots fight a nightmare battle we need a fourth party member to take on the boss

-what other fucking pokemon are even in this area. I dont remember

-give up on brainstorming for now and go back to the camp victorious

-i expect kamado to give some kind of like halfhearted thing because he thought i was going to die but then he says some shit about sensing the strength and valor in my heart or something. Ok <3 yay <3

-congrats you get to have a house. Welcome to the security corps

-

-THE WHAT

-FUUUUUUUUCK

-i dont even get a cute scarf as part of my uniform. This sucks so bad. Fuck my stupid baka life

-oh yeah i need to eat

-please buy me food professor please buy me food professor please b

-SUCCESS I LOVE YOU LAVENTON MARRY ME i dont say that out loud but i think it.

-fried potato mochi goes crazy. Not in any world what i was expecting but its good

-go to sleep in my new house. The first time i get a taste of living alone and its in a straight up isekai situation. Figures

-i havent gotten any texts from arceus. Is my mission even still to collect all the pokemon

-check my phone

-no new messages

-please lord have mercy on my fucking SOULLLLLLLLL

DAY TWO

-wake up

-new job is to escort the teenagers + professor to the areas. Oh my god. We are going to fuck up the plot of this game so bad

-WHAT ABOUT KLEAVOR???

-apparently i am still the one who is going to take on kleavor because im the best fighter in the fucking region.

-youre goddamn right. (THANK GOD THE TEENAGERS DONT HAVE TO DO IT)

-i may only be 22 years old but KAMEN RIDER DEMONS VOICE i will lay down my life to protect these 15 year olds ive known for 24 hours

-hmm skylark i know we already fucked up the plot but dont you feel like we’re forgetting something

-stare at each other

-oh my god. Where the fuck is Zora

-SURELY BECAUSE ME AND SKYLARK REMEMBER EVERYTHING ZORA ALSO REMEMBERS AND KNOWS AND IS AWARE. IS IT A ZORUA OR A ZOROARK. IS IT IN THE ICELANDS OR IS IT HERE. THERE ARE TOO MANY VARIABLES

-worry about that later. When our lives are not immediately on the line . we have to go to deertrack heights again

-hi Mai :] hi munchlax :]

-oh yeah battle

-skylark. Blast that thang

-oh yeah the kricketune

-skylark. Blast that thang

-this is literally what it feels like to play a game and have access to the crazy overpowered dlc characters and destroy the early enemies. My new game plus swagger

-apparently the clans do have records of people who can communicate with pokemon so my instant conversation with munchlax is super weird but not unheard of

-please dont say its like a religious thing. please

-”i mean we did make them wardens but it wasnt just because they could talk to pokemon. Like the lords are the ones who choose the wardens. Its not really our decision”

-ill take it.

-that explains why lian and sabi are wardens despite being like ten years old. I do not point this out because i should not know who they are

-mai says shes glad to see people in the galaxy team who walk alongside pokemon as equals. I realize that i actually have no idea if skylark even has a pokeball but it feels distinctly crazy fucked up for me to put her in one of those so i dont say anything about that either

-mai does not give me a flute or anything and adaman does not show up but wyrdeer does give me a weird look. Hi wyrdeer. Do you have something to say

-he doesnt. Aw man

-deertrack heights camp gets set up while we continue to the forest

-were not fighting kleavor today we just have to “study it” aka watch it tear the fuck out of some trees and agree that thats probably a danger to everyone and god

-lian is there YAY LIAN

-he agrees that kleavor is kind of scary but its not our business so we should stay away and let pearl clan handle it.

-rei and akari try to argue and lian challenges them to a battle

-skylark and i make significant eye contact. We probably cant afford to slip away and catch the scyther while this happens what if the children get attacked

-akari has her pikachu and rei has an eevee

-Of Course He Does.

-due to the nature of the world a 2v1 isnt against the rules and rei and akari win

-lian begrudgingly concedes

-i tell goomy hes cute. Because he is. He is baffled

-IRIDA APPEARS

-i really dont want to tell the leader of this clan what to do about her holy figures because thats fucked up but kleavor is straight up murderous and this is real life right now so i state very objectively that my jolteon and i will step in if things get out of hand

-irida does not like this.

-rei and akari add on that i just got here like yesterday and i fought the alpha bibarel and won like 4 hours after waking up on the beach

-well skylark did the fighting. Not me. I just cheered her on because she had a type advantage and the willpower to do anything

-irida contemplates this.

-well whatever we wanna do kleavor is still definitely too dangerous to approach as is so we need to retreat and figure out a way to subdue him enough that battle is even possible

-i restrain myself from giving the balms option outright because i dont want to have all the answers that would be suspicious. And what if thats not even how it works here. What if i look like an idiot. And my aim isnt even that good. I dont even want the answer to be balms honestly

-irida seems like she wants to ask me more questions but she dismisses us for now

-we return to laventons office for the night to brainstorm

-laventon comes up with the balms

-look professor…….. Im not really that good at throwing things ……………………. Catching the little guys on the beach was a fluke i was like 3 feet away from them

-rei and akari start coming up with a plan to throw the balms at kleavor while i keep it distracted

-That Does Not Sound Like A Good Idea At All Guys . What If It Just Attacks You Instead

-skylark brings up rage powder

-this instantly makes me irritated because my two planned team members would have bug and flying covered and thus catching a dustox or whatever would mean id have to rethink my team.

-can dustox or beautifly even learn rage powder

-nobody knows what that is.

-arcphone. Do you have google. Arceus show me Pokemon That Can Learn Rage Powder

-arceus actually pulls up a list of pokemon that can learn rage powder THANKS..? GOD..? wait is this the pokemondb page 

-the answer is no pokemon in hisui can do that.

-we are so fucked

-ok wait what about follow me

-clefairy. Thats in the highlands i cant get that. Elekid. Thats in the icelands i cant get that. Magby. Thats in the coastlands i cant get that. Pachirisu. NOT ANOTHER FUCKING ELECTRIC TYPE

-ok. We need to be able to keep kleavors attention even when there are other people throwing things at it for this plan to work. Can we find a way to do this or do i need to take the balms myself

-i am more willing to just fucking whiff throws than risk other people in this bc there is a CHANCE in this life that i will just respawn and that is not true for everyone else

-i also might not respawn. But theres a chance

-getting a flying type to zip around the arena would only work if we could guarantee that kleavors rock-type moves wouldnt hit which would be hard.

-crobat is probably fast enough to avoid the attacks but theres no way for us to get a crobat that quickly

-drifloon or drifblim might be able to phase out of the way of the attacks and irritate kleavor into pursuing it above any humans in the arena. Ghost types have a habit of annoying the fuck out of people right

-drifloon and drifblim i CAN find easily. I just need to wait in the fieldlands until dark. Sky has a type advantage over them as flying types so if they attack me she can zap the fuck out of them

-they will still be weak to stone axe and stealth rock though. This plan is not a perfect one were gonna be flying by the seat of our pants here

-i wish i had a shellos or gastrodon but i dont think i can swim to the island in th

-IF I CATCH A DRIFBLIM. IT CAN CARRY ME ACROSS. THIS ISNT A VIDEO GAME WITH VIDEO GAME MECHANICS I CAN JUST HAVE MY BALLOON CARRY ME AND CATCH A SHELLOS

-we are catching a motherfucking drifblim. 

-its late at night but going out now would be a bad idea so we agree to go out as normal tomorrow to research and prepare, then stay overnight so i can catch the ghost, and then battle kleavor the next day

-i go back home

-laying down on my cot with sky on my chest

-hey sky how do you think this would have gone if youd been the human and id been a pokemon. What do you think i would have ended up as

-skylark voice i dont fucking know nyarla. I probably would have talked kamado into letting me be in the survey corps or something. You walk through life like a wrecking ball i have no idea what i would do in your shoes because our circumstances would be immediately vastly different

-tahts fair.

-go to sleep

-i dream that im on a boat and all my friends are calling to me on the shore but i cant get back i just keep getting pulled out further to sea and there are cranberries everywhere and spiders clinging to me to get out of the water because suddenly i am not in a boat i am just standing in the water (real dream ive had once taht feels like it would be fitting like narratively)

DAY THREE

-wake up

-well that was unpleasant. Im going to ignore the panic from all my friends thinking im dead and also being covered in spiders. Its probably fine

-ariados isnt in hisui. There are no spiders in hisui. And even if there were i love galvantula. I am immune to bug type pokemon. and fear (MANTRA

-ok time to go to the fieldlands

-while waiting for nightfall i get roped into helping rei and akari do fieldwork. Which mostly consists of skylark beating up baby pokemon while the kids watch. 

-riveting

-i genuinely debate wandering off to go explore and do something more interesting like shiny hunt but i dont want to let the kids get straight up killed when im supposed to be watching them because im not sure i believe in the power of their pikachu and eevee to protect them from any actual threats here. Like an alpha

-the only thing keeping me responsible in this world is responsibility. Who could have guessed

-i experience my midday sleepiness and skylark straight up electrocutes me to wake me up anime pikachu style

-THAT FUCKING HURT YOU DICKHEAD

-shouldnt i be dead from that. I guess humans must be more resilient in the pokemon world just like i theorized. Ill have to keep that in mind later

-the sun finally starts setting and the kids head back to deertrack camp while sky and i venture off to find a ghost

-im still kind of tired but god forbid i get electrocuted again. We persevere

-hey sky was volo supposed to show up yet

-skylark voice honestly ive kind of forgotten whats supposed to have happened at this point. And were only like 3 hours in gameplay wise

-maybe we should stop trying to stick to the game plot, i say, in the middle of a field at 10 pm about to catch a hot air balloon so i can use it to skip two areas of progress and get to an island to catch a little slug before the first boss

-didnt you just play this game, says skylark. Like you didnt even finish it. How do you already not remember what happens at the beginning

-skylark. I dont remember anything ever. You should know this better than anyone. I deleted my save with the limited edition items because i forgot they were limited edition and not dlc. I can forget anything

-we catch the drifblim. Ill come back and add however the fuck this happens later

-head back to the camp to sleep for like 3 hours

-SLEEP

DAY FOUR

-we wake up

-VOLO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-now that im thinking about it we were definitely supposed to battle him at the town gate before coming out here. Well its probably fine

-volo says some obscure shit about the vortex and how interesting it is that i fell from the sky. I debate fucking with him in an uncountable number of ways but decide not to because i like him. I may change my mind in the future

-we do not battle volo because were about to fight kleavor and we need all the strength we can get for it. Im sad because i want to see togepi but i do not say this because it would be insane for me to just know what pokemon he has without being told

-ok everyone before we go on our quest to beat the shit out of a local demigod i have to go on an island quest. Ill be back in like an hour 

-drifblim time 😏

-ok my new friend can you please carry me over there. Please do not try to kill me or some crazy shit like that. I have faith in the power of friendship and the world of pokemon but i do not want that faith to be shattered

-drifblim carries me normal regular style because its so nice and pokemon is a world about being friends with cute monsters that have human intelligence and the power of gods

-shellos time 😏

-id honestly rather catch a gastrodon but sky would be at a disadvantage AND i dont have sky because drifblim couldnt carry us both and i didnt want to pokeball her so shes just chilling on the other shore and idk if i could have drifblim fight and win and catch a gastrodon like 20 minutes before a boss. So shellos it is. Also it would be kind of bullshit for me to just clear the first area with 3 fully evolved pokemon even if i am a grown ass man

-sneak through the grass. Sneaky style

-shellos so cute i love u shellos. I like the blue shellos better than pink shellos but i like pink gastrodon better than blue gastrodon so i do not mind this outcome

-BACKSTRIKE !!

-it catches yay :]

-the gastrodon has witnessed my capture.

-GRAB THE BALL AND RUN

-beautiful moment of drifblim carrying me back while water gets spewed at us. What a great morning to risk my life in battle against a bug made of rocks taller than me while soaking fucking wet

-i gaze at my team and briefly lament the fact that this means i dont get to have an epic sky battle against a gyarados because that sounded like so much fun

-i was literally born to be a pokemon trainer. Going on adventures and quests and battling powerful foes and catching pokemon. This is so awesome

-the fact that this is everything ive ever wanted and that eventually i will have to go back home where magic isnt real and me and sky and zora and everyone are trapped in one body and there are a million things keeping me from the life i want but i have responsibilities to the life i had before that i cant just throw away on a whim sets in.

-oh god

-I CANT START CRYING RIGHT BEFORE FIGHTING A BOSS THE TEENAGERS ARE GOING TO THINK IM A WUSS WHOS SCARED OF KLEAVOR. THEY DONT KNOW IM HAVING A FUCKING GENUINE LIFE CRISIS

-skylark and i resolve to go fight the gyarados anyway for fun later because it will probably be easy and exciting. Just because i cant stay forever doesnt mean i cant enjoy it while im here

-go back to the camp with all my little guys

-ok here we fucking go

-show up to the arena and remember that we have to argue the case for our plan to irida and lian. I forgot

-irida understandably vexed about this whole thing

-i state again for the record that im cool with just doing it all myself because its dangerous and i dont want anyone else to get hurt

-Rei and akari protest and say that they helped come up with the plan and want to help Kleavor in any way they can

-irida agrees with me that its too dangerous for straight up children. How old even is irida. Isnt she like 19. Thats not that much younger than me but we are both still like young adults in the grand scheme of things. Its kind of fucked up that we’re discussing who has the best chance to risk their life and survive here i guess the pokemon world is also kind of fucked up after all

-irida agrees to help us make the balms as long as SHE gets to come with me into the arena to throw the balms while i distract kleavor

-i am surprised by this but i agree because i believe in women

-also it feels way more right for her to have a direct hand in the whole thing considering shes like. The leader of a whole clan. And im just some dude who got here 2 days ago

-while rei akari and lian make the balms irida and i make a game plan

-irida is surprised when drifblim and shellos come out but then shes like actually from what i know about you idk why im shocked that you have a ghost.

-i can only guess what that means. But i think i understand the jist of it .

-game plan

-drifblim does everything in its power to draw the brunt of kleavors fire. It’ll fire off gusts to whip up dirt and do its weird teleportation bullshit so that kleavor cant hit it but will be frustrated enough to keep pursuing

-skylark, shellos and iridas glaceon will lay down support fire for drifblim in case kleavor loses interest or if kleavor knocks it out. If it stays irritated its less likely to notice me and irida

-irida and i will throw balms while the pokemon fight

-shellos says shes not sure she’ll be able to keep up with the fight since she moves so slowly. This is a good point

-she cant sit on skylarks back because shes not a ground type so her firing off electricity will hit shellos.

-drifblim cant take non-ghosts with him when he phases

-glaceon agrees to carry shellos. I am flooded with relief at the fact that i dont have to carry a slug on my head while doing all this shit

-i remember that irida might not know that i can understand pokemon . dont worry about it irida we can talk later

-i also remember the kleavor cheese strat and bring up the idea of ducking behind the tree if kleavor tries to go for us

-irida is unsure if kleavor will remember the importance of the giant tree in his rage, but he hasnt cut it down yet, so its possible he will avoid slicing straight through it to get to us and instead go around

-we will just have to hope so!

-thats  it . thats our plan

-ok. Time to fight kleavor.

-lets pretend drifblim is lvl 25 here since we start with stronger pokemon so it has mystical fire which i think is neutral against kleavor bc of rock subtype

-fight scenes are hard come back and figure the details out later

-someone should get injured here because its a big fight and that will raise tension

-i think the security corps uniform is probably thick for warmth and extra defense so maybe i just get like a really bad scratch on an arm or shoulder but not enough to be a super big deal

-drifblim is knocked out during the battle by a stone axe sorry drifblim i love you

-shellos actually pulling its weight with water pulse and mud bomb

-skylark would know thunderbolt at lvl 25 which is awesome. I forgot that eeveelutions have abysmal move pools except for literally 1 move they can use reliably we’re gonna have to do something about that

-glaceon launches literally 1 ice beam and then realizes it is also so ungodly fucked if it gets hit by a rock move so it focuses on dodging while shellos launches water pulses

-irida and i truly get a lifetime amount of cardio in

-EVENTUALLY WE WIN

-kleavor explodes with light and then hes back to normal yayyy yippeeeeeee

-we have a conversation. He couldnt talk when he was frenzied because that would have been weird ok just trust me on this

-he gives me the bug plate. It feels like bugs. Thats going in the bag forever thanks though

-well i am actively bleeding and drifblim got blasted but nobody died. Lets go home👍

-report back to commander kamado as mission success and then i immediately get sent to the medical wing bc oh my god nyarla your fucking arm dude (im ok) (its just bleeding a lot) (blood loss is a real problem be careful kids)

-i get patched up and then sent home because im not allowed to spend the night in the medical wing of the headquarters when i have an overprotective neon green jolteon who is fully willing to explode someones heart with electricity if she thinks theyre a threat

-thanks skylark. I love you too

-at least i know that when i get kicked out of jubilife and go face down volo i will have a beautiful dragon woman in the shape of a dog that cannot be stopped by beast, man or god

-at this point i remember the space-time distortions and that i can find jhoto sneasels in the fieldlands if theres a distortion

-WE HAVE TO GET A WEAVILE AT ALL COSTS. JAX MUST BE REAL

-oh i should nickname my pokemon. Skylark was a person so she doesnt count

-fall asleep trying to come up with names for drifblim and shellos

DAY FIVE

-wake up

-were all the nobles like… frenzied at once. Or does it happen one after the other. Literally i dont remember i feel like it was all at once other than arcanine

-while getting ready i drop my bag and my pokeballs fall out

-hm. Those two are modern pokeballs arent they.

-hold the fuck on

-Friend Ball is obviously skylarks. 

-Cherish Ball. hm. I know exactly whos in there dont i

-ZORA YOU FUCKER YOUVE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME?!

-AND YOU DIDNT SAY ANYTHING?????????

-zora brings up the very valid point that me walking around with a fucking alpha zoroark would not have been any less suspicious than if skylark had shown up as a garchomp

-thats fair.

-but also i absolutely for sure know you just didnt feel like helping.

-zora smiles

[pretty-chaotic-world]

if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal 

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow 

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining. 

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty 

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me 

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore 

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room 

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless 

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years 

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings 

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people 

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring 

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5 

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again 

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere 

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person  

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

[notthestarwar]

gold teeth and a taste for this town sounds fascinating O.O

ahhhh ok so I kind of love this. it's entirely self indulgent and I had a great time writing the first 3000 words and then realised that i'd set myself up with a mammoth task if I were ever going to manage to explain the backstory enough so that anyone but me understood what the hell was happening.

so the story is set in this kind of small dead-end, americana esque town. one day a stranger rolls in to town and wanders in to the restaurant Fox works in. And it's like he's wandered in to the wrong story, he's walked straight out of a space opera and now he's sitting in front of Fox, like thats a thing that happens. never left this small town and thinks he probably never will: fox.

and then! maul has the cheek to start quizzing Fox, and acting like Fox is out of place. As far as Maul is concerned, he's landed on some dead end planet, walked in to an even deader town, and found a clone. Maybe the last clone. And this clone, is acting like he belongs here, like he has no idea who Maul is, like he's never known war, like he's never known anything but this place.

it's so bizzare that it shakes maul out of his usual, stab first, ask questions later attitude. he arrived on this planet a bit lost, there isnt really anything left for him. his ex master took over the galaxy, and he didnt need maul to do it. maul has tried his hand at leadership, at crime. but whats the point. but then. he stumbled upon this mystery, and against all reason it just, compells him.

so maul asks some more questions and it becomes apparent that fox woke up here with no memory, assumed he belonged, and everyone in this town felt so fucking awful for him (they're out of the way but news of the war reached them. news of the clones seemingly fizzling out after the empire, supposedly all gone). they just... didnt correct his assumption. and based on like. books he's read and the gossip he hears from the locals about each other, fox has just pieced together that he's this small town boy, who's never left. of course it doesnt QUITE feel right, fox shouldnt believe it, but he wants to.

he's a clever man and he can see the way the townspeople look at him, he sees them treating him gently and he thinks, he knows, that something really bad must have led to him losing his memory. of course he assumes its something bad of the level that might happen in a town like this. he lost his family? were they murdered? was it an illness? whatever it is, nobody speaks of them (because they were never in this town!!!) so it must have been bad.

and maul just keeps following him round trying to unravel this mystery and the companionship ends up doing something to him. maybe its a mixture of the hopelessness and boredom that brought him to this place, as well as the companionship. but either way, maul begins to connect with fox, even though fox hasnt the slightest clue who he is, and through this, Maul slowly begins to deal with his own shit. through fox, he can see what palpatine did to people. through fox, he can see it wasnt right, that fox didnt deserve it. and that eventually will lead to him realising that the same thing might apply to him as well.

and a maul without that first wound (once it begins to heal), wouldnt really be the maul we know from canon. where is his motivation to keep killing, to keep everyone away? he's still maul about it. he's still a dick and he's sharp and mean. but he isnt on a rampage anymore.

and thats the story. its a small town, slow story about two men who never really felt like they needed friends, becoming friends. its about these 2 victims of palpatine, finding solace in each other because they both went through the same thing, even though one of them has no idea. its a weird one, but I love it. i'll probably never post it tbh cause its kind of confusing i guess? but its like my ugly child lol i still love it.

its still in first draft format as i never intended to share it, but heres some of it.

thank you for asking!

[our-queerplatonic-experience]

hii sorry if this is too venty or depressing or whatever but i really need help

ive been in a qpr with my partner nagisa for like 3 months (weve been friends before that for a few years) and i love him so much ive never wanted anyone in my life more than him. but i am deathly afraid of being a bad partner, and i am even more afraid of him leaving me for someone else even though i know thats not realistic.

he asked one of our ex friends if he could complain to them about something in private and for the rest of the day i felt anxious and sick and guilty like i just killed someone. i cut this friend off mainly because i was so jealous and spiteful (didnt say that tho i feel guilty) (also he was a really shitty person and made me really uncomfortable but it was mainly cuz i was jealous)

whenever im not talking to him my brain shouts to me that im ignoring him and im a horrible cold monster who just has him as a battery to feed my sick desires or whatever the hell that thing tells me at night. whenever i talk to him too much my brain shouts that i look desperate and clingy and i am annoying him hes probably sleeping! but it hurts less than feeling cold. so thats why i try to text him as much as possible. it almost feels like a compulsion, that im not actually texting him because i care and im talking to him so i personally dont feel like shit (ok that made me feel awful to type out but Fuck whatever)

i am not a bad person i really love my partner ive never loved anyone more than him hes the only person i really connect with on a deep level anymore and i think we genuinely have some sort of spiritual bond because of how often we share the same emotions and think the same thoughts at the same time. but i dont really believe in spirituality shit so whatever

he actually has the same issue (but seems to have figured it out better than me) with me and my friend, and it actually made me hate myself so much i have stopped talking to that friend because i dont want him to feel any percent of what i do. when he isn’t there to talk to me i feel alone and abandonded and like my arms have been cut off and like im living without a 3rd dimension. i feel like a normal person when im with him. he is the only thing keeping me sane. i would drop all my friends if he wanted me to

whenever im not talking to him i feel like im neglecting a bird in a cage even though i know he doesn’t need me that much

whats funny is that i dont worry about being a bad person in any other aspect of my life i literally do not give a fuck whether im a bad person because i always justify everything i do in my mind and i cant find a single bad thing ive done. other than the intentionally bad shit i did, of course, i did that stuff to kinda.. give myself something to feel bad for and so i dont feel like im fully a perfect person? hard to put into words

so yeah i guess you get the point! i really need some sort of advice. ive told him this but not really the full extent behind it, just the jealousy and vague mentions of the fear of being bad. i am worried that my anxiety of being a bad partner is leading me to be a bad partner

damn... okay i don't know a lot about this but it sounds like you might be developing a codependency. you should definitely communicate all of this to your partner so you can work together to lessen your anxiety. you also should probably go to therapy but i don't know if that is accessible to you right now. i'm sorry i don't have much else to say but hopefully someone in the replies can also help

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent/personal/health/long post

Omggg so today has been so unbELIEVABLY shitty

First i wake up in pain still from my back going out on sunday when I woke up. That was expected though. My dental aligner trays hurt like a motherfucker to pull out still. Then im getting a quick breakfast together and I get a text from the clinic saying my doctors appointment i needed before tomorrow is canceled AGAIN. I had to check with the clinic and the specialist (appointment tomorrow) if its okay if I have renewed referral clinic appointment next week. So fingers crossed thats okay, because thats whats happening its not possible to see the clinic before the specialist, and ive had the specialist appointment for months, and the clinic only told me i need to renew the referral on last friday, and ive had appointments every day this week. Whatever. It is what it is.

Then im pouring cereal, drizzle a little agave on top because its unsweetened, and then immediately knock the bowl over all over my lap, sticky side down. I still cant go pick up the bits under the table now, because its killing my back to even pull the chair out, my back is in such bad shape. (Was gonna ask the clinic doctor to help out w it too but i guess im going this whole week without a treatment plan, just taking old painkillers lmao.)

Speaking of painkillers, i have one left of this bottle. I have another painkiller type, but its way too strong, and even if i cut it in half itll be too strong, but im gonna have to use that if i dont have any improvement.

So all that above was the easy peasy part of my day. Next is my appointment to renew state benefits (for food). I get EVERYTHING ready all gathered into the one spot in my room i know i can get consistent cell service, and settle down. Phone appointment time comes. I hear the landline downstairs ring. Fuck. I grab my phone and paperwork and i cant make it in time both because of my back problems and also because the landline only rings twice. I literally grabbed the phone as the case worker stopped speaking on the machine. Fuck again. I cant understand the phone number they said on the machine. It takes me a minute to realize its the same number on my paper work. I try to call but my house is a dead zone. Go back to my room, get put thru to the robot answering machine because its the general number. Not a callback number. Fuck. The robot then hangs up on me saying theres a high call volume and to call back later.

But my appointment is now! I call again and get hung up on. I call again and finally get put on hold. This is like 20 minutes after my appointment time because it takes like 7 minutes of talking to the robot to get put into a call. So im on hold, i hear the landline so i rush downstairs to try and get it again but im too late (probably a robo call, we get a lot). There was no new message, so i stay on hold, where im expecting an 80 minute wait time.

Completely fucked up process when i had an appointment scheduled! I shouldve been able to call the worker back on the available phone.

Anyway. Im dying in pain and sobbing on the phone and end up having to sit on the kitchen chair thats hard wood because i got reception in there and i wanted to be closer to the landline just in case. Im sobbing for like the first 2 hours bc of pain from exterting myself rushing around the house. I try sending off a message on the online portal. But its like 'we'll get back to you within 5 days' lol.

My battery gets low so I risk bringing my phone to my room to use the bathroom and grab a charger, take off my dental trays (more pain) so i can eat and drink something. More pain when i get back downstairs.

Im on hold for longer. So i start looking for someone higher up to pester because the whole situation is fucked. Around 3 hours on hold i send off an email to someone whos the director of that org at the county.

Its at this point i realise i might be racking up a huge phone bill, so i start telling myself 'ok sunk cost fallacy this isnt worth the wait' and i start trying to log back into the portal (which id already been doing like 20 times already this day) to request a new appointment. Then the portal keeps logging me out as soon as i log in. And i cant reset my password or do anything.

Im about to give up, going nuts after hearing the same note played over and over on the hold music. And someone fucking answers the phone.

Ho lee shit. I couldnt believe it.

A 4 hour hold that actually produced results????

Apparently all their systems are down and the worker was like 'okay yeah youre gonna be the last person i process today i am not able to access anything right now' and even had to do some stuff manually, but my case is renewed and everything should be settled now

So yeah that was over 4 hours of torture being in the uncomfortable kitchen for so long, when i WAS prepared for my appointment ahead of time. Ugh. I shouldnt have to hurt myself to get this done, but no one else was in the house to catch the landline for me, and i didnt know i could get reception in the kitchen.

(Kind of worked out tho bc i wouldve had to hang up if my doctors appointment today didnt cancel, and also i wouldve hung up if the online portal functioned)

The sad thing is im not even done. i gotta deal with another appointment tomorrow in another town. (Already had to go out of town on tuesday for the teeth aligners/tmj appliances), like the car is not comfortable for my injured back lmao

I dont think the appointment tmr is anything big its prob just a check up and to renew meds, but getting there, early in the morning, is gonna be fucking hard. I doubt this doc will do anything for my back or regular level of chronic pain, but im gonna make a big stink about it because i havent stopped being in pain for like ever, and the past month has just been so fucking hard on me with trying to help family do labor intensive stuff (which is probably why my back got fucked and gave up on sunday)

It really fucking sucks being in chronic pain and no doctors wanna do anything to treat the pain. Ive already been on every type of antidepressant and none of them helped my fibro or depression. Ive actually felt a LOT better since stopping them last winter. But im still in a lot of pain all the time. I dont wnna be like 'give me painkillers' but... give me painkillers. I was so comfortable when i was on them regularly in the past. And then the whole opioid crisis thing happened and now no one gives them to me except when i had endo flare ups (which. Lol. They barely do anything for endo pain. Which is why i was so surprised they did anything at all for my back pain when i took one on sunday!) I have always been responsible with them and always took the lowest dose (cut them in half back then) because i dont like the feeling of painkillers lololol

God tho this back pain... on sunday it was so humiliating, i kept getting stuck where i was because the pain was so bad. Even just lying flat on my back was excruciating. I was Almost at the point where i wouldve needed help to use the bathroom. Even now, while my back is much better (still terrible tho) and with painkillers, i can barely twist to grab toilet paper or reach to dry myself. It fucking sucks. Getting clothes on and off? Sucks. Especially reaching to get my feet out of pants or socks on and off.

You dont realize how much you took for granted until you struggle to do basic daily movement. I thought i was doing so well too because ive been lifting weights since februrary! Just arm workouts tho. Was doing situps until i had another endo flare up in spring. I always forget how bad severe pain situations are, either with an injury or my endo flare ups. Im living in constant fear of the next endo flare up and that sucks too. My current back problem is like, spikes of level 10 pain with movement. The endo flare ups is sustained level 10 pain. So theyre not even comparable but its still super severe.

Anyway. This has been super rough on me. Especially the added pain and overstimulation of the new back pain, and now the constant pain and headache from the teeth aligners, which is another thing im super scared about. What if it ends up making my jaw worse? What if i pull out a tooth? God just prying them off my teeth is like getting teeth pulled it hurts so much. Im like crying when i have to take the bottom one off, the hook digs into my gums and then when one side comes off its excruciatingly stuck on the other side. Literally feels like teeth being pulled. Im surprised my one crown is still in place (ive been pulling from the opposite side to try and save it). And ive already lost a bunch of the tooth spikes they added to keep the aligners in place, but the office is like a 2 hour drive away so i cant just go get the spike replaced. I dont even have a car or license i have to coordinate with family lol. And the brand is like so new theres no online discussions about it so i cant even commiserate or see how people manage to cope with this level of constant pain from the trays, pulling them out, or the extra large bite guard i cant even close my lips around at night. My teeth are so crooked i cant even tell if its in the right placement bc my teeth dont fit in the bite guard tray. So lol. Im trying.

So yeah i dont have faith in my doctors im scared starting treatment is just gonna make things worse especially because thats been the case my whole life. Ill try to get treated for something and then it reveals or causes something much worse i need to treat. But im trying. Its just hard when i have to treat so many fucking illnesses all at once, and theyre all super painful.

Im fucking tired. Want this week to be over. Want to just sleep, but i cant even do that without being in excruciating pain every time i try to move position. Life rly sucks for me rn.

So thats my vent.

Oh yeah, also dermatillomania has been severe lately too lol. So i look a mess but thankfully my lips get covered by my mask. I was so scared the tmj doc was gonna comment on it but i accidentally forgot to take my piercings out before the appointment so he ended up making conversation about those instead of the glaring wounds on my lips and fingers. (He did notice my bandaids on my fingers lol)

So yeah. Send prayers and gay vibes my way pls i rly need it. Fffff time to go cry and put my trays back in

[harry1simp]

So I ve been obssesed over Harry june from dkb recently so lets write smth lol.

lot of teasing from the other members lol.

Pairing : harry june x f barist.reader.

So a group of boys went to my bar 1 week ago and since then they dont stop coming over. When I greet them to take their order they always seem to hide something like they look so nasty lol.

So today as any other day, I put myself in my uniform which is pink AND really tight so people better know me when they start getting annoying Im starting too since IM uncomfortable.

It was the morning and actually just a few people came to drink a juice or smth. So I ate my lunch with my boss and some colleagues and we talked about nothing and everything.

- So whats up with that group of grown up men? Taylor asked, one of my colleague.

- What do you mean " THAT group of grown up men"?- I replied in a mocking tone.

- Co mon you know who I am talking about. Especially this boy who looks a bit younger than the others. He seems so shy when youre around thats so cute !

I choked with my noodles.what the fuck ?

- Are you talking about THEM ? - I asked shocked.

- Of course them. Dont you find them hot ? - my other friend Ben started

- They're litteraly 9 wth ?!

- Lmfao y/n I know you do not have 9 holes im just saying you prob find ONE of them hot or idk.. - Ben said while laughing like he was dying.

- You scared me I swear. Hm well.. yeah that young boy is cute not gonna lie but im not gonna try anything.

Taylor scoffed and whispered a " whatever" followed by Ben saying " you better get at least one of them" before returning back to work leaving me alone.

It was 4:00 pm and thats the moment people finish work so we all know we gonna be really busy. When i say "people " I also include them. Sometimes theyre all together sometimes theyre not.

- Look who came y/n. - Ben said teasingly.

I looked to the main entrance and saw them. They were 5. The cute boy, another one who was doing some body rolls while walking, a tall boy with yellow hair, one with a cap on his head and the last one all in black looking like he wanted to kill someone. I gave my attention back to work since I started to stare a lil too much.

- Dont try to run away y/n . - Ben said.

- Yeah go take their order btw. - taylor ordered

- What n- I didnt finish my sentence they both pushed me to the hall where people were sat.

I took a deep breath and took a piece of paper with a pen while making my way to them.

- Hi guys ! - I said naturally like I didnt know my friends were watching me in the kitchen smiling like psychopaths.

- Hey y/n. How are you doing ? - The guy with the cap asked happily.

- Im good ahah thanks what about you ? - I asked trying not to seem awkward af.

- We're good. Happy to see you again. I would like a milkshake please !

- Okay noted - I informed taking notes.

- For me it will be a wisky please. - The serial killer said without even looking at me.

- What about you guys ? - I asked mentioning the others.

- Can I have an iced tea ? - The yellow haired guy demanded nicely.

- Sure !

- By the way y/n my son here has something to ask you. - The first guy spoke pointing the cute boy with his finger.

- Oh.. - I said suprised .

The guy smiled placing his head in his hands feeling shy and aparently not aware about the guy opening for him.

- Could I have your number or your instagram ? - he asked looking so adorable I could only accept.

- Yeah sure ! - I took my phone out of my pocket and handed it to him showing my number.

- What is your name ? - I couldnt hide my happiness I was smiling like an idiot.

- Harry June - He replied with a big smile on his face.

- Nice harry june, what would you like ?

- A lemonade please.

- and for me it will be a coca. - the guy who was hip trusting the air earlier said.

- Okay guys thanks.

And I walked away like I hadn't a bunch of others clients waiting behind me.

I went back to the kitchen with my notes plus my heart beating like I just talked to a celebrity.

- Tell us. - Ben said his arms crossed against the wall.

- Tell you what ?

- You litteraly handed him your phone I dont think he asked for Ben's feet pictures ! - Taylor said dead serious.

- Hows that you have my feet in photos ? - Ben asked concerned.

- Calm down I didnt show him your fucking feet but my number !!

They both went silent for a second.

- He asked for your number ?? - They said in synch.

- Yes he did can you guys stop screaming for christ's sake ??

- Which one ? The cutie boy ???

- Yes Harry June.

- His name is Harry June ? - Ben said while gasping in a gay way.

- I swear to god shut it down or I punch you.

- No way youre on your period-

- Ben !!! - Taylor and I shouted to him.

- Poor boy he must have been so scared asking you your number Im dying.

I stared at Ben feeling annoyed and just gave them the orders making my way to the others clients.

When I was taking some orders I could sense his stare on me, Im not complaining tho but I just couldnt focus.

/ H-J 's pov /

- Im so proud of you my baby ! - Dongil said while hugging me like I was a child.

- Urgh dont do that in public please ! - I said feeling embarrassed.

- My dear you better get into pda when she will be yours or she wont do anything with you. - Heechan affirmed with no guidance.

- Are you being serious right now ? Stop talking about this its weird. - I begged fearing that she could hear us.

- Lets leave him alone poor boy. - Changmin suggested.

I sighed and looked away to meet y/n in front of me with our drinks.

- Heres yours Harry June - She said nicely while giving me my lemonade.

- thank you - I replied with a small smile in the corner of my lips.

- Your coca.

She gave us our drinks and was about to leave but of course my stupid friend had to open his fucking mouth to speak.

- Y/n are you free after work ? Harry would love to get to know you.

I want to slap him.

- Oh Im done in 2 hours wont it be long for you to wait ? - she asked looking at me concerned.

- I- No no problem i will wait for you outside - I offered her my smile.

- So kind from you Harry, enjoy your drinks guys. - She said before leaving.

- Youre dea-

- Youre welcome - Heechan cut me off.

- Im not a kid I could have asked her out and not have you doing it for me. - I said angrily.

- you have a date so stop being a dick and give me a hug.

- Never. - I replied crossing my arms feeling betrayed.

/ Your pov /

I was so excited to see the cutie boy that I litteraly mistaken some orders which made my boss furious but its okay my friends protected me. Thats when I realize they can actually be usefull lol.

So when all the clients were gone I put myself into more comfortable clothes.

- Enjoy pretty. - Taylor said winking at me before grabbing her bag ready to leave too.

- I.. I will taylor go home safe. - I said in a sigh not really knowing what to say.

Ben was allready gone for a moment. Well lets go I told myself.

I took my bag and closed the bar behind me.

- Oh you're here. - A male voice said coming from my back.

I turned around facing Harry June.

- Yeah ahah, Im here. - I put the bar's keys in my pocket and returned my attention to him - You know you didnt have to wait for me I know your friend said that but really we can do that another day if y-

- No no dont say thay its completly fine ! - He cut me out while using his hands. - My friend can be a little invasive but he was right and I dont have anything to do so..

I nodded feeling relieved that the boy didnt feel obliged to wait for a girl he didnt even know.

- Thank you very much. My clients actually left sooner than usual so Im all yours ahah. - I said with a laugh.

He laughed too and not gonna lie he has the prettiest smile and laugh ever. He was wearing a large tee shirt with some grey jogging. He seemed to be comfortable in it, that made me want to snuggle myself into it.

- So.. what do you wanna talk about ?

I stopped to space out for a second and looked at him like a normal girl.

- Tell me more about you. I actually see you coming to my bar with your friends every week but I just got your name today ahah.

- Yeah we really enjoy coming to your bar. Its cozy and we have a good time when were there.

- Ooh I'm glad to know this ! You know when me and my friends see you laughing out loud with your group we actually wanna know what you are talking about.

He laughed. I.MADE.HIM.LAUGH

- Oh my god I hope we dont do that much noise.

We walked side by side without really knowing where we were going but I felt actually good. For a guy that seemed shy at first sight hes actualy really easy going with me.

- So where are you from Harry ?

- Im Korean. Both my parents are korean too. Youre a foreigner right ?

- Yes I am. Korean is such a struggle for me urgh. Your english is amazing harry by the way !

- Oh thanks Im studying this really hard since a lot of foreign people come in Korea.

I nodded actually amazed by his talent.

- Youre not that bad either ya'know your Korean is actually pretty good.

I smiled hapily like a little girl but mostly cauz I actually received a compliment from him.

- Oh thanks Youre the first one saying me this ahah.

- Dont underestimate yourself like that. And maybe I could help you out with your Korean I mean if youre okay with it.

- Yes sure that will be so nice !

A few hours went like that and when I noticed the time on my phone I actually gasped.

- Oh my its 8: pm I need to go harry Im so sorry to leave you like that I didnt expect us to talk that long !

- yeah youre right I actually have to go too its okay.

- I really had a good time knowing you Harry

- Me too y/n come home safely

- You too harry bye.

He waved at me and thats how we left each other.

That night I couldnt sleep. I told Taylor and Ben everything about harry june, about how he was so sweet and kind with me, how interesting he seemed to be and they look to like him back.

I was dreaming eyes open when I received a text from Harry.

00:25 am : Youre sleeping ?

I laughed feeling amused by his question.

00:27 am : No I can't :(( Seems like you either ?

00:28 am : Yea :// A friend of mine is sleeping next to me and hes growling like a pig help *_* And what about you ?

00:29 am : Lmaooo Can't really help you sorry 😭 Same for me.. Well Im alone tho but cant close an eye.

00:30 am : Is it cauz you cant wait to meet me again ? 🤭

I actually didn't know what to answer and I didn't plan to give him a reply maybe tomorow.. but his answer interested me even more I just couldnt sleep without making a move from my side.

00:33 am : Mhhh.. Maybe ? 🤷‍♀️

00:36 am : XD anyways now Im not in front of you plus not my friends being dicks I have to admit youre really pretty :)) idk if I seemed shy lol but its just Im not used to y'know approach girls like that so..

I wanted to scream. He said Im pretty. The cutie boy harry june said I was pretty. I was jumping in my bed like a groopie but he texted a few seconds after again.

00:38 am : Ive never been into a relationship, so before running lets walk first y'know 👉

00:39 am : YES YES 50TH SHADE DEGRES REFERENCE 🙌 WAIT how old are you harry ? Arent you too young for this ?

00:40 am : Im 21 yo. C mon I just got lost on netflix.. 🤫

00:41 am : Yeah yeah.. 🤨 anyways thanks youre very cute too and handsome lol.

I embarrassed myself for saying this and actually have no shame so I put my phone on my nightstand and tried to sleep but with no results.

I had my day off today and man Im gonna enjoy it. Thats when I took my phone that realisation hit me. I got 2 messages from him.. Men Im scared. I opened them with shaking hands.

00:42 am : Oh thank you thats the 1st time a girl finds me cute and handsome 😊

00:45 am : I really appreciated this evening with you y/n. I hope we could meet again real soon ?

1:00 am : Good night I guess 🌃🌙

My heart was melting inside my breast. Hes so sweet. Hes like a teddy bear you wanna hug when youre not feeling safe. I didnt waste one second and answered him immediatly.

10:00 am : Oh my ! Sorry June I felt asleep so abruptly ! I really did too and I would looovveee to see you again as well ;))

I felt so stupid leaving him with no response til 1 am. But I couldnt hide the smile appearing on my face.

I took my breakfast in front of a serie I loved and was just chilling in my sofa and then i received a notification.

10:13 am : Its okay y/n ! At least you fell asleep ahah. I look like a zombie 😫 What about tonight ? I would like to show you a place I love.

Tonight ? Well I have nothing to do but idk it seems off..

10:15 am : Why not :)) What time ?

10:16 am : Hm lets say 9 pm ? We could grab an ice cream just next to it !

Ice cream okay im coming.

10:17 am : Okay perfect !

He gave me a place to find him and then I did the dishes.

The moment arrived I put myself in a floral dress I bought a while ago and finally found the occasion to wear it. I came to the previous place and foud him sat on a bench looking hella good.

- Hi ! - I greeted him.

- Oh y/n h- he paused for a moment looking at me. - Wow youre beautiful. - He said touching his neck.

- Oh thank you Harry youre amazing too !

We didnt know how to greet ourselves at first it was awkward lol. But he took a step forward me and opened his arms. I did the same and we ended up in each other's arms. I wanted to cry. It was just like him ; sweet and warm.

- I missed you. - He whispered next to my ear. We separated from each other and it felt empty.

- I missed you too harry. So.. show me that famous place you wanna take me to !

- Ah yes let's go ! - He said in a cute way I wanted to eat him.

We walked for around 20 hours while talking and I could feel his hand touching mine's at some moments.

Then we arrived at a quiet and peacefull place .

- Here we are.

- Wow it looks great I've never been here before !

The landscape was just magic. There was a small lake in front of us and some benches to admire it.

- Let's have a seat.

- Sure. - I continued.

We sat next to each other and just like that we stared at the lake without a sound.

- Can I ask you a question ? - Harry broke the silence turning his head facing me.

- Of course Harry.

- Are you single ? - It was so out of nowhere.

- A-Yes I am. What about you ?

- I am too.

- Well.. great I mean-

- I like you Y/N - He said in one breath.

- I- I like you too Harry

- I mean no.. I love you. I know we don't know each other that much but I don't know I.. didnt stop thinking about since we spoke to each other and.. every time I come to your bar my eyes are always on you..

- Woah harry I.. I lost my words.. I honestly feel the same way..

- Really ?

- Yeah.. You know.. let's give each other times to you know.. be sure about our feelings and.. then we could enjoy it completly ?

Harry nodded.

- Yeah let's do that.

We both smiled feeling relieved like we couldn't hold those secrets in anymore.

- Can I.. kiss you ?

I looked at him smiling. Yes ofc I wanted. HARRY FUCK KISS ME

- Yes please.

He laughed and didn't waste a second to catch my lips in a short and sweet kiss. We pulled from each other.

- Thanks. - He said like I gave him a gift.

- What are you thankful for ? - I asked feeling so soft for him.

- I just kissed a pretty girl and she loves me too.

- Harry youre so cute I swear come here .

I hugged him tightly and he did the same.

Some weeks passed and Harry and I hung out a lot. We went to different dates. He took me to the pool with some of his friends. I met Teo who's such a sweetheart, Yuku a Sunshine he's ma fav, Junseo who first gave me killer vibes ended up being the complete opposite, he's a big teddy bear but he still scares me since he's like 500 times bigger than me. Then there's Heechan who is really funny but Jesus's christ he's so perverted. Like we can talk about food and heechan is in the back talking about pussy.

Anyways theyre all very kind with me. They keep reminding harry that he's lucky to have me lol. When we're all together, Dongil, aka Harry June's father, says " Protect yourself my son I dont wanna take care of another child " so we both end up cringing from embarrassment.

We're currently at Harry's place with some of his friends ; Seongmin, Dongil and Changmin. I was on Harry's laps, his hands around my waist and we were just chilling on his sofa while talking.

- Im sleepy guys Imma go to bed. - Dongil said while whining.

- Good night. - Harry and I said in synch.

Dongil left the salon. Seongmin was sleeping on the floor and Changmin was still sober next to us.

- You look so cute together- Changmin said letting out a small laugh.

- I know - Harry said in a provocative tone.

- Why won't you stay tonight y/n ? - Changmin asked looking at me.

- Oh I didnt plain to tho and I dont wanna bother you.

- Harry will give you his bed. Right harry ?

- Yes sure. You wont bother anyone babe.

- Youre sure ? - I asked concerned.

- Of course y/n ! Stay with me tonight. Please.. - He almost begged me.

- Well, kids do whatever you want just dont be loud in the bedrooms please. - Changmin stood up and whined before going into the same room's Dongil went in earlier, leaving Harry and I alone.

- So you stay..? - He demanded poutting with his lips.

- Where are you gonna sleep harry ?

- On the sofa Im okay its pretty cozy he-

- Cant you sleep in your bed, with me..? - I put my hand on his not wanting to be alone in his dark room.

- Oh is it okay with you ? I dont wanna make you uncomf- I took his head in my hands and locked our lips in an eager kiss. I moved mines in a slow pace and I felt a wet texture. His tongue asked access for my mouth which I accepted.

- Lets go to my rooom. - He interrupted us, standing up from the couch locking his hands with mine. We made our way to his room trying our best to stay silent.

I made myself comfortable on his bed.

- Oh you might want some clothes for the night, dont you ? - Harry asked looking out for some pants and tee-shirts in his closet.

- Well I wont mind Harry.

- Have this then. - He handed me his clothes and he just stared at me for what felt like an eternity.

- Are you just gonna watch me stripping out of my clothes ?

- Oh my god yes sure sorry my bad ! - He excuses himself and turned around, his back facing me. Feeling suddenly in a teasing mood I threw my shirt on him after had removing it from me.

- Uh y/n ? - He said in a suprised tone. He could hear me laughing behind him and then I placed my hands on his shoulders.

- y/n ? - He turned around and found me topless, just some inches away from his face. He looked at me and tried to say something but nothing came out of his mouth.

- Youre okay Harry ? - I whispered. He didnt say a word but instead put his lips on mines. My arms found his neck while his found their place around my waist.

- I dont wanna rush things..- Harry confessed into my ear.

- Its okay me neither.. - I melted into his embrace and started to lose myself into his scent. He put me on his bed, then grabbed his shirt to out it on me. His moves were so gentle. He soon joined me in his bed and turned the lights off.

Ive never felt so comfortable in someone's arms. Harry made me feel like I was a crystal, his diamond.

- I love you - He said before kissing my cheek and with that we bith fell asleep in each other's arms.

Its the end guyss Im kinda disapointed with the ending but guys be prepared for a fanfic with a kdrama character im not telling anything yet hihi 🤫 but anyways this one was cute I guess also english is not my language so tell me if I made any mistakes ://

[achtung-attitude]

CHAPTER 85: Throw Your Arms Around the World

A chilly wind blows through the muggy, smog-choked sky over Los Angeles, painted gray by thick silver clouds rolling in. Fall is coming.

Shizuka leans against a tree in Calvary Cemetery, a few yards away from a headstone that reads: ‘KILO STAPLES. Beloved Friend. A good man.’ A few rows down, stands the stone reading ‘MOYA PEZZENTE. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.’

Six days have passed since the fight on Mulholland Drive. T’onga awaits her trial in a small penitentiary. Shizuka has not gone to visit her, due to the contents of the letter smuggled into her blazer when she was being ‘held hostage’. While under medical care, she read the letter countless times. Now, against the tree in Calvary Cemetery, she reads it again.

This is the way it must be. The police could not know they were related. For all they knew, T’onga was no more than knife-wielding maniac, and Shizuka the innocent hostage she had threatened. This is what T’onga herself wanted. Shziuka knows this, but still hates it. For the hundredth time, she reads her mother’s small writing.

A̶e̶-̶j̶e̶o̶n̶g̶

M̶y̶ ̶d̶e̶a̶r̶e̶s̶t̶ ̶A̶e̶-̶j̶e̶o̶n̶    

D̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶A̶e̶

Shizuka

First off, sorry for springing this on you. I already know. ae-jeong is just the name i gave you. doesn’t mean it's the one you want. If you don’t want it, discard it. live how you want.

While I'm at it, sore REALLY SORRY about what i’m about to do. holding you hostage, I mean. it has to look real for the cops, so can’t tell you (should have apologized for that first. sorry)

As for why, i already told you i don't want you to live the same way i did. thats why All-kill had to die. That's why i have to do what I'm gonna do. without this show, the two of us will be nothing but a pair of creeps looting the ruins. But with this, you’re just an innocent bystander. This way, you can still have a future. I wont take that away from you.

But again, I already know what this will seem like. Another abandonment. for real this time. no excuses.

This’ll sound like a bad joke, but I have faith in the justice system. They can’t prove I killed anyone, but can pin me with threatening with a deadly weapon. That’s a life sentence. But with a decent lawyer and some money I have saved up, I can bump that down to at least 14 years.

I'll serve that time quietly. Eventually they’ll let me out. early, if I'm very well behaved. Then if you’ll have me, I will come back to you.

I want to see Upstate. the Finger Lakes. 

This is NOT goodbye.

Your loving mother,

Kim T’onga

PS. i almost forgot. Kim is spelled 김, but if you prefer, you can go with Yeoh: 영. Your choice.

At the final line, Shizuka softly smiles. She folds the paper until it's small enough to once again be stowed away in her blazer, alongside the silver disc. The disc of LONELY BOY and SATURN BARZ, and whatever else came before. Sensing someone approach, she looks to see Jerome approaching her.

“You OK, girl?” he asks.

“I’m fine,” is her answer as she stands. “What about you?”

“Me? Ay, don’t worry ‘bout me…” The rapper looks sombrely towards the graves. “It’s good. He woulda liked it this way. Buried next to Moya… He never woulda let on, but I think they was best friends…”

With a frown, Shizuka exclaims, “Eh?”

Jerome responds in kind. “Eh?”

“...What do you mean?”

“...What you mean ‘what do I mean?’”

The girl cocks her head, fixing the rapper with her gaze. “You were Kilo’s best friend. Duh.”

“Me…?” Jerome exclaims. “Me, huh…? Nah… I don’t think so. But fuck it… I was close enough. That’s good enough for me.” He smiles at her, and she smiles back at him. “You got your ticket?”

Producing a plane ticket from her blazer pocket, Shizuka answers, “All booked. It’s time I went home. Vacations are lots of fun, but… they have to end sometime.”

Nodding, the rapper offers, “Sure you don’t want a ride or nothin’? I can hook you up. Shit, I’d take you myself.”

“Jerome, you’ve already done so much for me. I feel so lucky to have met you. You don’t need to do anything more, the Speedwagon Foundation is sending someone to pick me up.”

“Pleasure was all mine! Oh… Uh, speaking of the Speedwagon Foundation… Would you mind keepin’ a secret for me? Thing is, I… I been keepin’ a record of’ all this. Like, in journals and stuff…”

Shizuka is surprised. “Oh, wow. Really?”

“Yeah… But, like, not for anything bad! I ain’t tryin’ get no one in trouble, I just… Just, can you imagine the type o’ music I can with this kind of material?! It’ll be off the chain! A secret supernatural war in the heart of LA! Shiet, it’ll be my best ever! Like, fuck Platinum, I bet I could reach Diamond! 10 million units! It… It’d be a bummer to have it seized, you know…”

Shizuka laughs, wearing a mischievous grin. “Hahaha~! I’ll consider it… but you gotta make me a promise: the MOMENT the album’s finished, I want a copy. I wanna be the first girl in America to hear it.”

C-King’s gold teeth flash. “Was gonna do that anyway. Anything for my number one fan.”

A shiny black car pulls up on the nearby path as the pair embrace. “Don’t forget about me when you get back home,” whispers Jerome.

Shizuka answers, “I’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget any of this.”

Two men in suits emerge from the car and approach them. They present cards bearing the stamp of the Speedwagon Foundation, at which Shizuka nods and follows them to their car. Leaning out of the door frame, she beams a gleaming smile at Jerome and waves eagerly. He waves right back, with as much vigor. They continue waving even as the car pulls away, Shizuka leaning out of the backseat window until she finally loses sight of him. 

Slipping back inside the vehicle, she places her hand over heart, feeling the outline of T’onga’s letter in her inner pocket with a small smile. Grinning deeper, she then touches the spot where the Stand disc is not.

In the cemetery, Jerome Adetokunbo, known to the world as C-King, abruptly notices the feeling of something round and flat in his front hoodie pouch. Reaching inside, he grins to discover the silver Stand disc in his hand. “When’d she do it?” he wonders. “When we was huggin’...? Damn…” 

Glancing around, he stows the disc back away and strolls toward the cemetery exit. Back to LA. His city. He hums under his breath, and there’s a spring in his step. Autumn wind brings blessed relief to the sun-baked town.

The Speedwagon agents’ car bypasses the constant traffic on the main highway, instead rolling smoothly down the streets of East LA. On its way, they pass by a dilapidated old building, graffiti covering the sign over the double doors that reads “Juarez Boxing and Fitness.”

Leaving East LA, they pass into Lynwood, whereupon they’re stopped by a collision on the freeway, and the delays it causes. Typical Los Angeles. From Lynwood, if you were to look south down Long Beach Blvd. and squint, you can see as far as East Compton.

In the end, it takes them 57 minutes to reach LAX, thanks to further delays at the toll road, up there on the tall suspended freeway writhing over the city streets like giant snakes. From up there, Venice Beach can be seen in the northwest, and Santa Monica beyond that. Head east, you soon find yourself in Beverly Hills. Continue east, and the Hollywood sign shows its face.

In these hills, a general blissful ignorance lives among the people, attempting to fill their days with as much excitement and purpose as possible. Every so often, they look downward to see the sweepings of the street, and every so often, they leave behind a token of charity. A single dollar for an old man. If only for the sake of soothing a guilty conscience. Yet a dollar is a dollar.

It takes another thirty minutes before Shizuka is finally on a plane. The captain mumbles some incoherent message, and the aircraft rumbles up the runway. Soon, it soars into the air and banks left. Shizuka gazes out of the window and sees the metropolis laid out before her. Her gaze lingers on the great, dirty city, until she smiles and settles into her seat.

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

i want to kill myself

im not going to, but mom says i should write my feelings out. says itll help me feel better

and. i mean. i know its worked before. i have this whole thing to prove it

see even just tryping that much helped a little. at least enough that ny urges are back in the harm territory and not in yhe kill territory. which isnt great. but. yknow. ill take what i can get? i guess?

i dont know anymore. it feels like theres this gaping hole in my chest, and everything i have and everything i am is just pouring and pouring and pouring out of it until there is nothing. i dont want to be nothing.

but maybe it would be easier than this

i hardly got out of bed today. i didnt get dressed, i only ate because my brother was so gracious as to bring me a bowl of canned chicken noodle soup. he put a little rosemary in it, "to make it fancy," he said. it wasnt perfection, but it was the best goddamn soup i had ever tasted in that moment. he used the last clean bowl for it. its his favourite too, a kirby themed ramen bowl with holes for chopsticks and everything.

chicken noodle isnt even my favourite soup. fi think its just. how loved i felt? when he carried that bowl into our cramped little room from our cramped little living room.

i was standing like. an hour ago? and he asked me to try to clean a bowl for him. (he does all the household chores, save for dishes. we both hate them, but i can barely do shit else, so one really shitty chore is better than a mountain of decent ones)

i took one look at our sink, so full of dirty shit you can hardly see the faucet, and i tyrned around and let myself fall limp, face first on my bed.

i put the blanket over my feet, so that if he came in he wouldnt have to see them (even the thought of feet disgusts him, i think)

he did come in, but i dont think he realized how hard it had been for me to even do that. i think all he saw was a whiny, ungrateful, pathetic mound of flesh under a blanket. someone so useless it couldnt even clean a single bowl for him without falling apart.

i heard him clean his own bowl. i have never felt so guilty for doing absolutely fucking nothing.

he already puts up with so much shit from me. im a drug addicted, mentally unstable, sorry excuse for a person.im trying, god im trying so fucking hard, but every day is harder than the last, it seems.

still. he deserves better than this.i dont know why he bothers.

... i keep finding myself scratching my cat scratches from earlier today. it stings. i feel like i deserve it.

i know thats not true. but honestly? scratching at my hand and wrist is better than actually doing something, right? its just a sting on fresh skin. no blood, no fresh wounds. just the pain thats already there. just poking at my bruises so i feel something other than this crushing despair

god. i cant believe i said that. i mean thats a totally normal thing to say in a crisis. ive just soiled my mind with references and medias and now i cant be normal about anything haha

anyway

uh

yeah.

...

i still hate myself. but. i guess this helped me stop crying as much? i dont know. i dont know anything anymore

thats not true

i know my wrist hurts. like a cat scratch, it stings on the back, mostly because thats what it was, at first. from where both my cats claws and my own found themselves digging into my skin, i can feel a bump when i glide my finger over it. and every time the pain gets too dull, too quiet, i let my nail return to its little groove and pull, just for a moment.

i know my heart hurts. like i have been carved open, my contents unceremoniously dumped on the floor. my blood spills out on the floor over my organs and my thoughts, and as i try to clean it up the lead in my veins says stop. and so i lay there, on the ground, next to the contents of the person i have become. it is all blackened by tar and resin.

i know that every breath i have taken today has felt like a chore. like slogging out of bed at 5:45 in the morning to get ready for school, knowing i wont learn shit because all my energy will be focused on holding myself together, or at least keeping myself from shattering altogether. ill just slog through another page of the textbook, wondering why i bothered when i couldve just stayed home.

i know i am loved. even if i dont feel it. even if i dont deserve it.

i know i never had a choice in any of this

...

i know that. for now. ill keep dragging myself out of bed. keep breathing. scratch my wrist so i dont cut it.

and maybe tomorrow ill apologize to everyone whos had to put up with me

{16/11/2023}

[limetameta]

I genuinely want you to answer all of the weirdly specific questions for writers 👀

I am waiting for eggs to boil so I went and answered them. :)

1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

Times New Roman 12 babyy

2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil?

I would just never write anything ever again and would instead evaporate

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

I write crosslegged so I had to dismantle an expensive gaming chair that I bought to treat myself because I had never owned one and was so guilty about buying it only to find out that I cannot sit comfortably (ie neurodivergent like) so I just never sat in it and didnt write anything in ages and felt so bad abt it and tried sitting in so many weird (ie normal neurotypical) positions on that chair but nothing was working. Until one day bestie just asked me if I can take the arm rests off. I did so the same day and binge wrote 20k.

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

Rompar. It used to be roly poly but now its rompar.

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

Never keep the story in one google doc, you will be overwhelmed. Have a doc for each chapter and then you will finish it lmao.

6. What is your darkest fear about writing?

That I suck ass and that the people who say I write well are lying to me.

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

Seeing how other people build off of my writing and them trying to give me theories about what they think is coming next :D

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go?

Without action. I can write a whole fic just with dialogue no problem.

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

Grandma, if you see this I hope you smite my enemies

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

Means that paragraph that haunts me either fucks or sucks so bad I need to change it. I am haunted by my first ever published fanfiction from 2012. It is gone for a reason.

11. Do you believe in the old advice to “kill your darlings?” Are you a ruthless darling assassin? What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve?

Kid me used to delete that shit mercilessly and now I rue not having access to some of those darlings. I have a doc that I keep with all the darlings for a specific fic.

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

Lorem Ipsum my beloved this takes me back.

Wish 1) I never have to use google translate again. The word I am looking for appears to me in the language I want it to appear in so I dont need to scour bosanski -> english google translate.

Wish 2) I look like an eldritch horror when you see me out of the corner of your eye but when you see me normally i look like me :)

Wish 3) I wish to free the genie

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

What you see me write is easy. What you dont see is hard.

14. Do you lend your books to people? Are people scared to borrow books from you? Do you know exactly where all your “lost” books are and which specific friend from school you haven’t seen in twelve years still possesses them? Will you ever get them back?

I give people books that I am done with. Never lend. I feel like a beggar trying to get them back after and thats not smth i need.

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

I am scared to write in books because growing up i never owned books i only had library books.

16. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever used as a bookmark?

Dead bug.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

Can somebody send me a message what they want here like narrow it down

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. Spicy addition: Questioner provides the passage.

Send me passages

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

I started writing in English in 2009. Published my first fic online in 2012. I am on a proverbial horse right now, my writing is so rad when compared to even last year s writing. "Svakoga dana u svakom pogledu sve više napredujem ." XD

20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you've always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch

I would chose love. I know I can do the writing thing lmao. My love life is unlucky insofar.

21. Could you ever quit writing? Do you ever wish you could? Why or why not?

I wish Id quit writing fanfic. But I keep getting sucked into fandoms. I most likely will try my hardest to stop writing fanfic once I fully complete the MCU.

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

I am skipping this because dear god it is a mess.

23. Describe the physical environment in which you write. Be as detailed as possible. Tell me what’s around you as you work. Paint me a picture.

I think I did answer this one somewhere u can check it out if u go in the #ask tag and scroll

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

I want to kill Maes Hughes but every single scene with him having fun with Kimblee and co is important because it is making you fall in love with him as a character and making him into a real and lived char in this au. His death has to hurt and not be abrupt like in FMAB. Fma03 did this better u had more Maes scenes.

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

Pinako and Van used to grow weed.

26. How do you get into your character’s head? How do you get out? Do you ever regret going in there in the first place?

I dont know man I just do my thing and ask myself what would Solf J Kimblee do and then I write

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

Tom Riddle. I meann

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why?

Dr Morsels is honestly turning into my favourite fandom oc lmao

29. Where do you draw your inspiration? What do you do when the inspiration well runs dry?

My muse is Slenderman. I write Slenderman and all the words come back.

30. Talk to me about the role dreams play in your writing life. Have you ever used material from your dreams in your writing? Have you ever written in a dream? Did you remember it when you woke up?

I remember my dreams in the first like hour after I wake up. But I did get some really good ideas in my dreams so I will implement them.

31. Write a short love letter to your readers.

I love you. :) If you dont tell me you love me back I will die like a plant. <3

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

I dont return to anything lmao I am in academia and therefore disallowed from feeling art and reliving it.

33. Do you practice any other art besides writing? Does that art ever tie into your writing, or is it entirely separate?

Entirely seperate. I dance.

34. Thoughts on the Oxford comma, Go:

Good comma. 10/10.

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

The way I just write sentences goes against all rules apparently. Bestie, native english writer, used to have an anyeurism until they found out that this is just how I write sentences and that I just will not change. They can explain better than I can.

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice...what do you Know?

:) I am a part of the leisure mafia so I know all about that field.

37. If you were to be remembered only by the words you’ve put on the page, what would future historians think of you?

This person was so poor that they never went to therapy, huh?

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

Cats love us. :)

39. What keeps you writing when you feel like giving up?

Each day that I write I get better at it. Each day I get better at it I am leagues better than my sworn arch nemesis.

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

https://fleursdumal.org/poem/126

[coccyodynia]

things:

i went home the other weekend and didn’t steal any pills, as much as i thought about it, so thats kind of cool i guess

i got a very fun and cool tattoo yesterday, its a woman swinging an axe with that line i wrote a few years ago - “i swing and i dont miss”

i am seeing a The Plot In You tonight with justin

we’re planning on hanging out before the show too but the weather is gonna be shitty so who knows, he’ll probably flake out at this point

we’re also planning on going to chicago in a month but im concerned i wont be able to afford it idk. i just stashed away $250 for it but i wouldn’t be surprised if i had to dip into that before then

we’re on okay terms right now. its been a huge rollercoaster as usual but he still wants to keep me around in some type of way i guess bc he’ll respond or say shit like ‘i’m always here for you’

ive been dissociating a lot still but im practicing the skills to get a handle on it

ive officially stopped caring about anything at my job, i just dont give a fuck at all anymore

if i start caring again it will probably kill me, at least considering the rate we were going before 

i had a friend OD twice in the last week or so and im literally just bracing myself to lose another person to fent

its been almost a year without michael now and im still really heartbroken about

i can tell ive started letting my apartment/kitchen get bad again and it’s upsetting me but i feel paralyzed about it

one of my best friends is having a really tough time too and we keep messaging each other little check-ins even though neither of us have the capacity to really support or help the other person in any meaningful way

ive just been way too tapped out lately, and it has been affecting my health for quite awhile

my weight seems to be stable now or at least kinda, i lost 50 lbs and last week for the first time in awhile it didn’t go down when i got on the scale

my parents and grandma all made comments about how they can tell ive lost a lot of weight since i saw them last (6 weeks or so ago?)

my mom has been telling me “youre not eating enough calories” which i think gave me whiplash considering up until now my entire life shes been insistent that i eat too much

my financial situation is really about to get fucked up since im not teaching this summer, so i will lose that income for a few months ($800/month)

im pretty nervous they wont ask me back to teach in the fall bc the head of the department doesnt really like me

i got great evaluations from my students tho! at the end of the semester, two of my students asked if i would be comfortable with giving them a hug and i got emotional

i helped one of my students get into their first gallery show in NY and im just so fucking proud and excited for them

another student had made me a little embroidered camera patch for my bag 

im still very much thinking about applying to graduate/phd programs in the fall

there’s about 5 programs im interested in, but none of them are local so i’d have to move pretty far if i were accepted

im going to re-apply to university of denver for the MA emergent digital practices program

i applied to there in 2021 and was accepted but i wasn’t offered enough financial aid since i applied after the priority deadline so i’ll try it this fall and see what happens

im still dreaming about going to Brown for their digital writing/cross-disciplinary writing and art MFA but it's such a pipe dream

i also found a fascinating phd program at duke but they're not accepting applications this year?

i want to write and photograph more but by the end of the day i am so incredibly burnt out that it seems more like a chore than an outlet

i really wish there was a way for me to just quit my job and take some time off before going into another job

anyway therapy is back to once a week and sometimes 2x a week just depending on how well i handle things

my mom is still being the worst person ive ever met and im really trying to disconnect from her/the family as much as i can

she just spent $500 on a plane ticket so she can go spend a week with the guy she was engaged to in college

she sucks so much and i hate her 

anyway that’s all

[floral-irises]

•─────────•°•❀•°•─────────•

CAN THIS FUCJING PERSON LET ME SKEEP OH MY GOD. i love my friebds i do but im trying to fucking sleep and your SPAMMING ME NON STOP i love you but im not replying for a reason dude you fucjing overstimulate me but i feel so bad if i tell you to please stop texting but whenever i tell yiu im trying to skeep you go “ nooo :(( your the only person i can talk to “ PLEASE DIDE WE HAVE A FRIENDGROUP OF FUCKING 13 PEOPLE YOU CANT TALK TO ONE OF THEM?? im trying to actually sleeo and you tell me no bc you wanna talk to me. im sorry but you constantly over stimulate me because you refuse to listen to me whenever i tell you that im gonna go to bed or that im over stimulated you just keep doing it!! i cant handle it anymore n i feel so bad for lashing out on you but you just keep ignoring me and telling me not to sleep bc im gonna bedrot. im already bedrotting the sleeping just helps it make it feasible and telling me not to slepe to not worsen my bedrotting is bulkshit!!! im bareky sleeping at night i heed this fucking slepe and im not gonna listen to you because you arent one of my best friends. i sleep so my head can shut up without blasting music and you trying to force me not to sleep by spamming me isnt helping all its doing is making me not trust you as much and just get overstimulated by you, i cant even talk to you ufor 5 minutes without becoming over stimulated but i feel so bad telling you bc you have autism so im probably just gonna have to deal with it because im scared of you splitting on me even though you do it almost every month and it gets tiring. i know you have mental health issues but so i do i man and i dont like how you “ headcannon “ me pratically to have bipolar?? yes i have symptoms of it snd my dad has it but your not a psychiatrist dude dont try to tell me im bipolar or have autism. and i feel so fucking bad becuase im your fp but i just cant do it anymore the reason we’re drifting away is because im just so sick of you overstimulating me and making really sexual jokes towards me. sorry man but it happens, you split on me every month and im tired of it, i know i said i could handle your mental illnesses but i didnt know your mental illnesses would fucking ruin my mental health more and ruin alot of my day to where i have no energy because you always wanna fucking talk to me about stupid shit. why do you want to rant to me about how cool i am like dude thats sweet thank you but i said no mutiple times because i didnt have the energy or motivation to read it all and tou just KEPT FUCKINF SAYING “ pleaseee pleaseee” and you vent to me all the time without asking which im typically fine with but dude im not gonna be able to tive you advice i give fucking shity advice and im a shitty person i cant fis your issues if you rant to me about them, and especially because your not somebody thats in my priority list it sont be good advice. i CAN NOT give you advice on what to do if your self harming as you type dude, i dont get triggered over self harm but a fucking warning before you tell me that would be appreciated so im not just im shock and not able to give advice, if you ask for advice whenever yknow im not truing to fucking kill myself illcbe able to give you good advice but if your not on my prioritized friend list then i wont be able to give you decent advice everyday.

And it's not even you it's multiple of my friends. I love all of them I do but man being told “ Who am I gonna talk to if your asleep? “ fucking gets old it may have been sweet maybe the first or second time but not anymore. We BAREKY FUCKING TALK you have 6 other people to talk to that aren't me, and your constantly making jokes about cutting yourself which is fine but if I'm venting (ish) about how I could see my old self-harming scars on my wrists which sent me into a spiral because I haven't seen them in years because they’re faint and you tell me “ haha lol can't relate I see mine all the time “ and then start ranting about how you GENUINELY hate winter to me knowing winter is one of my favorite seasons to be in then I'm gonna be kind of reluctant to talk to you?? And dude every we talk you end up venting to me which I'm fine with but you only talk to me to vent, I understand that I give you decent advice but I wish you'd ask because I'm honestly not able to handle it after a while, I can handle people venting to me I honestly couldn't care less if people vented to me ( in a way that like know u can vent to me ) but hell dude? Whenever you're venting to me every single day not asking how my day is or anything it kind of hurts. But you know I'm supposed to believe you whenever you say you want me to stay awake to talk, no you want me to stay awake to fucking vent to me that all I am to you is somebody to gain empathy and sympathy from, and it's draining a lot, I can give sympathy and empathy to the people I care about but oh my god please dude your fucking making me back to where I'm apathetic and don't care about people and that's whenever I most hated myself and whenever I tried to commit suicide the most I wish you did just want to be my friend if you want me to be your therapist just fucking say that we’ve been friends for over 5 years and as much as I care about you I can't handle it anymore this past 5 years you have treated me like shit, your rude and you psychically abuse me a lot and used to emotionally abuse me too. Every time I left you came back and I stayed no matter how reluctant I was to stay and I wish I didn't because all I am to you is a fucking pawn to give you therapy. YOU HAVE A THERAPIST WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT. Can't you just let me sleep without venting to me for once or getting mad at me for sleeping? I understand sleeping isn't fucking healthy but oh my god I do it for a reason. How do you get mad at me for a disgusting room and being depressed whenever you say you experience the same shit? You ONKY come to me whenever you need advice or need somebody to vent to, and I know that your mental health is getting better from it but mines just getting worse from it I need a fucking break from it that's why I sleep.

I have so many reasons I sleep and neither of them is a priority over them I'm sorry.

•─────────•°•❀•°•─────────•

[khitty]

I just wanna fucking die. My mom's been horrible to me for the past few weeks. My friends hung out without me. Then the one fucking day i get to hang out with them they fucking have an argument. Now we cant hang out. I haven't seen them in months. And it was supposed to be my birthday hangout. And on my actual birthday theyre all fucking deciding to do other things. I know its fucking selfish but im always doing shit for them. I put aside my stuff for them. I just wanted to be with them on my birthday. Because they are the people that made me not want to kill myself especially on that day. They made me throw out my fucking razor blades too so i cant fucking relapse. Im what? Like 10 months clean? And its fucking awful. That was the only fucking coping mechanism that worked. Yeah is it incredibly dangerous and i could die? Duh. But i felt better. But instead i have to fucking sit in my feelings and feel like shit for a whole week over a tiny bullshit thing. And im fucking crying again. Jesus fucking christ all my friends choose their relationships over our friendship. Do i mean fucking nothing to you? I guess you fucking hate my guts, you dont wanna hang out with me. The one single thing i asked for my birthday was to be with you guys, to get away from my abusive household. But that couldn't fucking happen. I have to be the one to settle arguments. Just one fucking day. Just one day to feel okay. Not even fucking good, honestly not even okay. Fucking tolerating it. Because they wanna swim despite knowing that my dysphoria is crippling. That i can hardly function because of it. And j was fucking willing to shove it aside to make them happy. To force myself to be incredibly uncomfortable for them. Knowing that I'd cry immediately after when im alone just so they can have fun. But no. I guess thats not enough for them. I guess they cant appreciate shit and they have to lie and hang out with their partners because they dont care for the shit ive done for them. Im always the fucking mediator. I have to settle issues out between them. Almost never do I even share my emotions with them. Because i cant fucking burden them like that. And NEVER have i told them them that they've hurt me greatly. When they do so honestly quite a bit. I cant fucking breathe right noe. Im fucking crying so hard i wanna die. I should take my scissors and cut down to my fucking arteries and bleed out. I dont wanna write a suicide note anymore. They dont need to know, its not like they ever hear me anyway. I gave them my phone password. If i kill myself i honestly hope they go onto my phone to see how much I've suffered in silence. I love them so fucking much. And they hurt me so fucking much. I wrote in my notes app a huge speech about how they made my life so much better. I remember crying so hard while writing jt because i love them so much. And it feels like a fucking waste now. God fucking help me. Stop my suffering soon. And if its through death then so fucking be it. Because if life with what i thought were the only three people that would ever fucking understand me is like this, then its just all shit. I only had 3 people in my fucking life. And it might be fucking zero at this point. Im so fucking tired.

[yourghastlycloseness]

in the past few hours i went being convinced that i was the ugliest person to ever walk the earth and shd this destroy myself bcos i never want to look into the mirror again and see how everything is wrong with my face and body to being a loving daughter spending a day out with mom to cracking jokes to being completely upset about the state of my relationships and my anxiety and my fear abt starting a new job and if i’ll even be able to get one and how this wasnt a sponsorship at all it’s more like taking a loan out of a company and then being tied to it and having to pay off your debts and it’s all on you if you can’t do anything abt it and ive realise that its in these states of transition where im waiting for smth to happen that im the most jittery and irritable and depressed when the hosp called to ask how urgent my case was or thereabouts i said i wasnt suicidal which wasnt a lie when they called but i feel suicidal every few hours or every days or weeks honestly the feeling never goes away but i know how serious i am abt when id make an attempt and its usually in states like these where ive lost all control over my emotions and the only thing i can control is whether i live or not and even then its subject to how the suicide attempt is executed though its likely that jumping frm the 20+ floor of any building shd kill you upon impact how i don’t want to live like this anymore and being convinced again that i shd kill myself then seeing a worker get run over by a bus and thinking thats awful then having dinner w family and paying for it but not getting a word of thanks then asking dad to get drinks but he frowns and doesnt for a while and i dont understand why abd while we’re eating i drop a piece of the pork on the table and i want to flip the entire table over and when i wash the utensils at the sink i see my hair getting thinner unde rtbe fluorescents even tbligh im doing what i xan to keep it from falling out im gng to be bald by the time im 33 how much fun is that thirty flirty and thriving thirty fucking fat and fuckinf bald and fucking lonely was not how i samw it all for myself

and i cry at the table the whole way back and then take a walk the rewatch and feel bad for the worker hope he’s alright news report says he’s got fractures in his right leg i rly hope it’s nth more than that meanwhile i was feeling one thousands things and this man was just at work and feeling so much pain which reminds me that i need money i need to work in the meantime yet the sponsorship contract forbids me frm getting external employment without first getting their approval honestly i might just go work first and then wait for their approval cos it can take very long and dad sent a picture of kai earlier tpdya he’s completely shaven sown neck bcos of repeated skin infictikna my poor dog my poor boy i love love love you so much and ive been horrible and i think abt you all the time and its now my wallpaper bcos i want to workfor a vision of us tgt and hes still the handsomest boy around even when firless neck down also hes a real asshole i hope he never loses that mfer asshole corgi personality of his if he ever changes then i know ive lost a part of him and i dont want that feepndown inside i know we ee both assholes who fight and im gettingnout of this and youll get beteyr and i love you forever andnice cried so much i rly need to clean my eyes woth blpehagel cdps just loke my boy oget infections WILD my skin foes mot want to be with me it givez up on me doesnt matter lovenypus till kai youre the most shit dog in the worls and uoure mine even when youre not here and i love you wven if you dont love me and i dotn want my asian eyelids to get all fucked up tmr so im going to stop xrying now straight ip the only rweaso n i dont cru as muchthese says isnt bcosige gotten stronge ror gotten over the things that ipset me most its jury bcos i cant eisk ab infection again neeeded eye zurgery fkr that preciously and i bleieve i had a fucked ip eyesi fection but also my crying mad eit worse secondly aesthetics my syelids creases change everytie i cry ao i gotta fucking stoRPP