#me just ugly crying at 3 am when i thought they broke up

[blackshadowswriter]

I had this exact same experience! Someone recommended TRT to me a while ago, and when I opened it up and saw the word count, I went "ummm maybe not" and didn't read past the first paragraph. Fast forward like half a year later, I hit a rough patch in life and needed something to take my mind off stuff. I was looking for a long therapeutic read, and lo and behold I found TRT again. This time, I went "fuck it, things can't get worse for me," and after the first few chapters, I locked myself in my room for about three or four days and just read nonstop.

And it brought me so much comfort and joy, like I was genuinely so excited to get up in the morning, so I could continue reading (after like four hours of sleep since I read til 4 am). When I caught up to the last chapter, I actually tossed my phone across the room and shouted "NO!" in utter devastation because I was that obsessed at that point. TRT made me laugh and cry (one of the only fics that genuinely made me sob), and it pulled me out of a bad place, so yeah it's definitely one of my favorite so fall time.

So thank you so much Pasta for your masterpiece and happy 6th anniversary! 🐧🖤

Happy Birthday and a merry 6 years to TRT! 🎂 🎁 🎈 🎉 🍰

🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯

Some FUN TRIVIA FACTS:

TRT's sun sign is VIRGO and its moon sign is LEO!

After 6 years, its current wordcount is 932k words. If you put that in size 12 arial font, single-spaced, this would come to about 2000 pages, and even more if the pages were the usual mass market paperback size!

TRT is now 40 in cat years!

The Man in the White Coat is my tribute to the Mad Scientist trope common in scifi, which is one of my favorite genres!

It is old enough developmentally to tie its shoes! Keep going, TRT!

Ciro is partially inspired by John Marcone from The Dresden Files!

TRT shares a birthday with literary great Agatha Christie! Maybe I'll introduce poison-based murder into the fic in her honor...

The idea of seeing threads came to me after seeing a meme about red threads tying soul mates together. Everything that came after - the other threads, the thread world, how it works, is unique to TRT!

TRT is now longer than War and Peace, and Crime and Punishment combined! So if you've read all of TRT so far, then you have the perfect middle finger to anyone who tries to say you can't focus on longer stories!

The inciting penguin documentary that Foggy drunkenly watched (which led to him declaring Matt and Jane 'penguins') was about Adelie penguins specifically!

Jane has a leather jacket because I love leather jackets and think all badass characters should have a leather jacket! And so you should you! EVERYONE DESERVES A COOL LEATHER JACKET.

The long hiatus between Chapter 4 and Chapter 5 was because I had life things pop up. During that hiatus, I realized the plotline/ending needed some work, so I spent those two years outlining, and I also wound up doing a bunch of additional novel writing classes just because I wanted to learn. A lot of this wound up influencing TRT!

The grey threads are one of the only threads that no one has solved yet!

There are absolutely some bad people working for Cyrus James. There is also a guy named Kyle. He is there not for Evil Purposes (tm) but instead because this was the only place he could work that would allow him to pay off his student loans.

When I started TRT, I thought maybe 5 people total would read it. I was told five people total would read it by some shitty people. So I wrote it expecting five total people would read it, and told myself at least I'd enjoy it, and I could use it to learn. In other words: I had ZERO idea TRT would take off like this. None. Nada. Zip. AND LOOK AT US NOW, BABY. FUCK THE HATERS, 6 YEARS AND GOIN' STRONG.

Based on my outline, we're a bit over halfway to the end!

I hope you enjoyed these TRT funfacts. And I hope you know: this fic isn't just me. It's you, too. This fic has become so much larger than just me. It's the TRT playlist you've sent songs in for that keeps me inspired when writing. It's the fanart I look at to give me a boost. It's your sweet comments and likes and kudos and messages that encourage me when I'm sick or depressed. It's the people who've made friends over this fic, or who've been inspired to write fic themselves, adding beautiful works to the community that we all use to keep going. It's all of this love for both TRT and Matt, and I'm so happy that I've been able to contribute in at least a small way in keeping Charlie!Daredevil love alive even after the show's been gone for years now. I love you all so, so goddamn much. I love this fandom. I love TRT with all my heart. Thank you so much for being a part of these past six years through cancelations, through your high school and college years and beyond, through my ups and downs of moving and sickness and fiberglass and pandemic craziness, through late night chapter drops and wild twists and turns.

And I hope the next few years as we enter the second half of this story are just as amazing!

[damiansgoodgirll]

i miss your writing so much, i hope your doing fine girl💖 we’re here for you

i was wondering if you could write if you feel like it, maybe having a fight with rhea? make it angst please 💘💘💘💘💘

thank you so much love <3

i would say i’m in my healing era but relapsing into old habits is easier than i thought.

i really hope you like this. sorry if it’s too short.

rhea ripley x reader

i care

“can you please look at me?” your girlfriend rhea begged you. you were arguing for the past two hours and not even for one second you met her eyes. too hurt to even look at her face.

“baby…”

“don’t call me baby rhea…just don’t” you were mad and she knew it.

she knew she fucked up and she had no idea how to make you forgive her.

you’ve been waiting at the restaurant for four hours before damian called you telling you that rhea was at the gym training with liv.

you weren’t jealous about liv. she was your friend and you knew rhea didn’t like her. no, you were mad that for the fourth time that month, rhea forgot about the dates you two had.

but this time it wasn’t a simple date. it was your two years anniversary and instead of making it special, she ruined everything.

“it feels like you don’t care…” you said when you almost threw yourself on the couch.

and for a part, you knew rhea didn’t care. she didn’t love you anymore like she did at the beginning. she knew it too but she was to scared to admit it. she knew that if she broke up with you, it would paint her as a villain, as a bad person. you were the kindest person alive and that was made rhea fall in love with you. your kindness and your affection towards people.

but rhea didn’t love you anymore and she was too coward to say it to your face. what would people think if she hurt someone as sweet and kind like you? people would hate her and she didn’t want to face all the backlash that would have happened.

“i do care about you…” she sat next to you.

“not like you used to…rhea, who am i kidding? who are you kidding? you don’t love me anymore, you don’t care about me anymore, you’re cold and distant and everytime i try to have a normal conversation with you…you just shove me apart” you didn’t want to cry but this was hurting you, really bad “you spend all the time in the gym just so you can find me asleep when you come back home…all because you know guilty is eating you alive…i know you too well rhea, you want me to hate you, you want me to scream at your face, you want me to make you cry and o break up with you so you could feel a little less guilty…” you couldn’t believe you knew rhea so well “but it’s not fair…it’s not fair because i’ve been putting all of my energy into this relationship and you aren’t even trying, you didn’t even try…”

“i’m so fucking sorry…” she whispered.

“stop saying it if you don’t mean it!” you didn’t want to scream but saying all of the stuff you kept hidden inside was making you feel better.

“i don’t love you anymore y/n…is that what you want me to say? i don’t love you anymore but gosh…i fucking care about you and i can’t imagine living a life without you in it…i’m so sorry for how things turned out to be…i’m already hating myself so i don’t need you to hate me more” she wiped away her tears with her shaky hands.

she hated herself for hurting you.

she hated herself for making you crying when she swore she would kick anyone who would make you cry.

she hated knowing how love your heart held that you probably wouldn’t even hate her in the end.

“it’s better if we end up this fucked up relationship now…or someone is gonna suffer more” you said and she agreed.

you’ve spent the night wondering where or when did everything start to fall apart. 

were you too clingy? 

did you gain weight?

did her fans hate you?

were you too ugly for being in rhea standards?

you couldn’t understand what you did wrong but you knew that being in a toxic relationship was way much worse than being alone - and in all honesty, you liked having time for yourself.

[cottagecheese1]

Not what I meant

Paring: Jake Jensen x reader

A/n: I literally love Jake Jensen so much I couldn't help myself.

Summary: Jake and you get ready to go out on a date, but he makes an unexpected comment that has you feeling subconscious. Warnings: Angst, good ending, Jake says something mean, fluffy ending, mention about looks, body image issues, insecurity.

You stood in front of the full body mirror looking back your reflection, nitpicking everything about your appearance. The dress you wore seemed unflattering, and you're not quite flat stomach made everything feel way to tight. Even though when Jake bought the dress for you, he promised you looked beautiful in anything you wore–maybe you could take a chance and believe him.

After another 30 minutes in the bathroom, you were finally able to build up enough confidence to go out and face Jake. Even though you both have been together for an upcoming 3 years–he still made you nervous on date nights.

You made your last final touches as you heard him call you from outside the door, you took a deep breath before stepping out of the bathroom, your heart beating out of your chest–worried about the criticism you probably won’t get from him.

“Are you almost done baby it's almost six thirty-”

Jake got cut off mid-sentence as you walked out of the bathroom, looking as gorgeous as ever of course, he was at lost for words at how beautiful you were, he can tell you weren’t feeling very confident, and planned to change that quickly, but of course everything goes wrong when he opens his mouth, so instead of repeatedly telling you how mesmerizing you looked and how the dress he bought hugged your curves perfectly–something else came out.

“Wow babe-I-the dress seems kinda tight don’t you think? Not to mention you look kind of artificial-well not artificial, but you know-um-unreal? No, no not what I meant-you look-”

Before he could get the last of it out, he was mentally cursing at himself for being so stupid, when he looked up to see your face it told him all that he needed to know, your teary eyes, arms wrapping around your midsection, and the way you looked at your feet in disappointment made him feel like a total asshole.

You quickly darted back into the bathroom and closed the door, not only did your boyfriend just call you fat, he also called you ugly which hurt more than anything, but right now you could barely stand to look at yourself in the mirror, not after what the love of your life just said to you–sitting down on the toilet seat, your dress now long gone on the floor. All you could do was cry, you felt embarrassed and kinda stupid that you actually thought he wouldn’t notice how you tried to suck in your stomach or try to pull your dress out, so it didn’t cling to you as tightly.

After about an hour you stopped crying, and just sat on the bathroom floor in silence, the date was already long gone so you contemplated just sleeping on the floor to save yourself the embarrassment. You heard the doorknob slowly turn and the door creak open, not even looking up because you already knew who it was–of course you forgot to lock the door.

Jake opened the door, and looked down to see your red puffy eyes, black lines of mascara streaking down your face, not only did he feel terrible, but he also made you feel even worse than you already did, it absolutely broke his heart to see you in such a state because of him.

“Oh baby-I-you don’t know how sorry I am, everything I said in there was not what I meant at all, you know my mouth acts before I think”, Jake tried to joke lightly at the end, but seeing his antics didn’t seem to amuse you at all, he just decided to just act now and say later.

Jake bent down to cup your face in his hands–thumbs gently stroking your tear-streaked cheeks–he lovingly brought your gaze to his as he pecked your lips softly, as much as you didn’t want to, you melted into his touch immediately, then you finally said something.

“You were right though, my dress did make me look fat, and I know I’m not the most appealing to look at-”

He quickly cut you off by shushing you, and pulled you into his lap, stroking your bare back before he responded, “Baby listen to me, I think you are the most gorgeous women in the entire world, when I saw you tonight-I was lost for words, I know they came out wrong–but I love you more than life itself, please forgive me.”

You look down at your lap, then back up at him smiling–of course you knew Jake always had trouble with words, but that cheesy loving speech he just makes up for the last 2 and a half hours.

Giggling you cup both his cheeks and lean in to give him a gentle kiss that he gladly accepted, moving his hands up and down your thighs before he pulled away.

“Well-if it's worth anything, you still looking fucking hot” Jake said with a lighthearted laugh before you responded.

“Maybe if you cuddle me tonight while we watch the Rocky franchise it will mean something”, you said with the same tone.

Jake leaned in to steal another kiss from you before he responded, “Hmm, I think I can do that for my baby–popcorn too?”, you returned the kiss before giving him a “yes please.”

As Jake returned from the kitchen with a large bowl of popcorn, he set the bowl down on your side table before quickly taking off his T-shirt and pants, he pretty much jumped into bed while trying to snuggle into you, but after you both got situated under the blanket, he pulled you into his chest and gave a peck on the forehead.

You laid your head on his chest before saying, “I love you.”

“I love you too”.

[readingwiththestars]

₊˚⊹♡ IF ONLY I HAD TOLD HER

["whatever our souls are made of hers and mine are the same"]

| ✮ 3.5 stars |

THOUGHTS ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° . [spoilers for ihhbwm + some spoliers for ioihth]

ok so lemme tell you i had the BIGGEST reading slump ever just as i started to read this. so this review may be a little choppy at some points because i've just pointblank forgotten some parts and don't wanna go back and re-read finny's pov just yet.

i was so on the fence about reading this because on one hand i really wanted to read finny's pov and on the other, complete and utter heartbreak.... yeah....... so anyway i read it.

when i tell you that this book had me ugly crying in the middle of the night. like seriously finny's pov?? fucking broke me. are you kidding me? the way he speaks about autumn? ugh when am i gonna find a guy like finny fr? but seriously this book had me on a rollercoaster of emotions just from the heartbreak knowing whats already gonna happen to finny as he describes how happy he is and how he can't believe autumn loves him back, to the smile i had on my face reading about 'the moms' bickering over baby stuff for autumn.

i will say this now i did expect a little more (hence the rating). i wanted idk more closure at the end there. idk rlly know how to describe it better since its 10 o'clock at night and ive had zero sleep for the past four nights in a row. but yeah i wanted something more. (bitch u wanted finny to be alive)

CHARACTERS ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° .

finny -

*sobbing noises* i could go on a damn rant abt this boy. holy shit. he's just perfect. if i see one person ONE PERSON coming after him istg- he was such a caring sweet person like the pencil??? and always going to the sketchy gas station (i nearly called it a servo then lmao) to get the candy autumn likes?? and always making sure people were safe when he drives?? *cough* apparently not you though sylvie *cough* just ahhh laura when i get you. cause like why'd you have to make him get out of the car, hmmm? lets just compromise and you give me an alternate universe where finny misses the puddle or better yet where sylvie kept her damn seatbelt on.

jack -

tbh i wasn't all that excited to read about jack. (also to be fair i was still sobbing from finny's pov so that probably didn't help) like i seriously just thought it'd be some jock trying to process finny's death by hooking up with alexis (who by the way can go jump up her own ass and die) but we got the whole other side of him where he was genuinely affected by finny's death and really was his best friend. but the way he didn't like autumn way just- yeah. also i saw him and sylvie coming from a mile away like seriously it wasn't very subtle.

autumn -

*sobbing noises increase* autumn my baby girl. i just wanted to jump through the pages and give her a hug. seriously i feel robbed that we didn't get to see a happy autumn. angie and her's friend ship was so precious tho. and i love love LOVE that they bonded over being moms/soon-to-be-moms. im also just gonna say the way we didn't see an ounce of jamie or sasha this entire book made me so happy! i also lowkey wanted to see more of when she was an actual mom? like what would she name the baby? i wanted to see domestic autumn a little more. but i still love her so much and it was so lovely to see her heal <3

QUOTES ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° . [spoilers]

"my love for her is the closest thing i have to religion. but it's okay that she doesn't feel the same. i'm fine. i can handle it" - finny

"my devotion to autumn is engraved on my very being. i am in awe of her. i will sit in the stands and cheer her on in life as her most ardent admirer. i know i'll always love her in the same way i know i'll always need oxygen" - finny

"it's all done. finn's story is over. his whole life. that was it. not even nineteen years, and he'll never, ever do anything else ever again. finn won't go off to college or celebrate his birthday. he won't get another hair cut or get the oiled changed in his car. he won't bite a hangnail on his thumb or buy another CD. finn smith has done everything he will ever do. he won't get to be with autumn." - jack

“this baby isn't what's left over from our love story. this baby is our story's continuation.” - autumn

"if only i'd told her that i loved her years ago, i wouldn't be here now." - finny

all in all laura you can pay for my therapy mkay?

[dis0rderly-cl0wn-nerd]

Just The Way You Are

Ledger!Joker x Reader

Warnings: None

Summary: Ledger Joker paired with a reader self conscious about their weight/body

Author’s Note: My first self shipping fic! I’ve never written anything like this before so I hope I did a good job. This subject is something I’ve struggled with for years and I’ve never seen it written about with J before so I thought I’d give it a go for all those struggling with the same thing. You are loved and you are beautiful. Enjoy! <3

As you got out of the shower, you inevitably saw yourself in the mirror and sighed. You hated your wide protruding body. The words fat and ugly echoed through your head. You hated yourself for allowing yourself to get so big. At least, in your mind, you were big. None of your friends saw you that way. You always thought they were lying.

You tried everything to change your eating habits and exercise but nothing worked. Eventually you just gave up. It was an endless cycle of self hate and disappointment.

You never talked to J about this. He knew you were self conscious about your body but he didn’t know its extent. He would flip out if he ever knew. You didn’t want him to worry so you kept it a secret. 

You weren’t expecting J to come home for another few days so you felt in the clear to sit on the bathroom floor, wrapped in a towel, and cry. You had been doing this for years. Anytime you caught sight of yourself and the negative thoughts became too overwhelming, you fell apart and sobbed for what seemed like hours.

You were so deep into your thoughts that you didn’t hear the sound of your apartment window open and close. 

J walked into the bedroom and took off his purple coat and his shoes. His plans had gone extremely well so he was able to come home early. He’d been craving some alone time with his bunny.

“Y/n? Ya here?” 

J saw the bathroom light stream into the dark bedroom from under the door. He guessed you must’ve been in there. He was about to turn the doorknob but stopped when he heard crying. He hated to hear his bunny cry but he didn’t want to rush in because that might make it worse. 

He waited a few moments and then turned the doorknob, opening the door slowly. 

“Y/n, I’m home.” He said softly.

You jumped a mile. 

“J! I wasn’t expecting you back so early.” You said cheerfully as you quickly wiped your eyes and threw on a shirt.

“Don’t try and play it off, doll. What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing, J. I’m fine.”

“I know when you’re lying. Why won’t ya tell me? I’m not gonna get upset.” 

You buried your face in your arms. You wanted to tell him but you didn’t want to burden him.

J sat down beside you and waited patiently for you to answer.

You broke down. 

“I just…I hate how fat I am!” You shouted.

J looked shocked.

“You’re not fat, y/n. You’re perfect.” 

“Oh come on, J. You don’t have to lie to me. I can take it. I’ve been fat my whole life.”

“But you’re not. You’re stunning.” 

You sniffled. “No. I’m fat and ugly. I’m overweight and unhealthy. I’m a troll.”

“No. You listen here, y/n, you’re not a troll. You are beautiful. How can you not see what I see?”

“I’ve had people tell me otherwise since I was a kid. It’s not like you would understand. I mean look at you. You’re gorgeous.” 

J shook his head.

“Look at my face, bunny. People don’t like my looks either. That’s cause most people are quick to judge. Don’t listen to them. They’re stupid. Society has unrealistic beauty standards anyway. You are beautiful just the way you are. If you’re that concerned about your health, then I’ll help. We can diet and workout together. All ya had to do was ask.”

You were speechless. Nobody had ever been this understanding about your weight. Nobody had ever offered to help you either. Your sniffles quickly turned into happy tears. 

“Aw, bunny. Don’t cry. C’mere.” 

J wrapped his arms around you and you clung to his chest. He kissed the top of your head and you smiled brightly. You had missed his kisses. J scooped you up and carried you over to the bed. You nestled into the blankets. J soon followed you into bed and rested his head on your shoulder. 

“You’re gorgeous. Don’t forget that.” He whispered softly.

[noonegetsleftbehind]

i debated saying anything, or talking about this at all. i know it's super personal and a very touchy subject and one that a lot of people shy away from or even hide. it's frowned upon to talk about and, for some, i know it's triggering to see it talked about it, but i kept thinking of one thing....

so, if seeing or discussing this is triggering to you? i understand. i get it. look away and don't click the readmore if discussing heavy mental illness topics and struggles/mentions of self-harm and suicide are something that you cannot handle. that is so valid and you need to keep yourself safe. skip this post and read the next and know i love you.

please understand that i am not looking for pity or for judgment. i am simply being transparent and real. i am advocating for mental health and for others that may be struggling too.

i will not go into much detail on what my bad news was. just know that it means another very crushing blow to my already non-existent self-worth and our financial status. it was such a crushing blow that it pushed me off an edge i had barely been hanging onto from months worth of physical health issues (christ i have had 3 surgeries since december and been in and out of the hospital.) it's been hard. it's been real hard and this was something i had put a ton of fucking work into and fought like hell for for over a year all for... nothing. all to be de-humanized and be forced to question what my worth at all is anymore or why i'm even here or why i should bother to keep going at all.

i won't lie. it got dark. it's still dark. i'm still struggling. it caused me to spiral into a near catatonic dissociation. i spent all day in bed crying before i just sat staring and out of it. all my brain could even think of was how much i wished i was dead. it's still there. i still question why i'm here, but i'm getting to the part where that gets a little bit better.

this is not a new fight to me. it's not. i had a complete, ugly mental breakdown in feb of 2020. jesus, february is a shitty month for me historically. i broke while at work - my job that i thought was going to be the career of my life and at the time i was going to college to further my study in. too much stress and too many years of masking and pushing everything away and ignoring...things i hadn't even realized i was doing.... and it was like someone had built a fucking damn around niagra falls. everything came rushing out all at once. these are things i am still trying to even begin to process. and when you snap, find yourself under a desk screaming and crying and trying to claw at your face at work? you don't come back from that. you don't get to stay at that job. my dreams and plans for the future washed away that night.

i didn't give up then. i went into intensive outpatient after several hours in a ward. i spent nearly 4 months in near daily several hours therapy and this was in the heart of the pandemic. it was at this time that i started attempting to finally transition. in the midst of everything, i was denied hrt for health reasons which only set off my shitty feelings and body image more. i closed myself back off and went non-binary again and convinced myself i didn't fucking deserve to live my life as the right goddamn gender and i needed to just accept and live life as a cis-woman. spoiler alert? that shit doesn't work. it will eat you alive.

i attempted to get jobs again. i had a seasonal job that i lost in jan of 2021. i got another job that i was placed in while working with a state vocational program. that one worked out well. it wasn't a fancy or great job by any means, but it was one i could do and could make money from. my boss was nice and i found parts of it interesting, but can you guess where this is going? my health popped back up. first i broke the scar tissue in my right hand where i had carpal tunnel surgery in 2020. then i got a concussion. then, out of nowhere, i started getting violently ill and was in and out of the ER like 4 times in 2 weeks for the worst pain i have ever felt. basically? my gallbladder went to fucking shit. i had to have it removed. in order to do that? they made me quit my job and come back when i was cleared post op to lift again.

i went back to the job. it didn't last long until a mishap with the pharmacy caused me to be off my meds for 5 days. this caused me to have a black out episode where i have no idea how i got there or why i was doing it but i was in the bathroom cutting myself. again. another trip to the psych er. they corrected the med issue and i got to go home. the takeaway from this? please please please please do NOT fuck around with your meds. don't just stop taking them. it's dangerous as shit. take care of yourselves.

i was fine for about a month until more stresses started to come back at me one after the other. they were piling up and i was breaking more and more. i admit it. i have next to none stress tolerance. i can't deal with change, especially sudden and a lot. i can't deal with blow after blow. i literally cannot process it or cope. it sucks and it sounds like i'm just being dramatic or a baby, but i mentally and physically just... can't. it's debilitating.

i found myself walking back home from a doctor's appointment and my ideations were running rampant. the next thing i knew, i started to make a move to walk into traffic. luckily, my brain pulled me back out of it and i damn near ran the fuck back home to tell my wife i was not okay and i needed to go to the er. this time? landed me in a full week of inpatient stay. that entire ordeal caused even more ptsd than i already have. it was traumatic as fuck and took me MONTHS of working with my therapist weekly on to even begin to process. it sucks, it does, but the mental health system is broken as fuck. a place like that should have been helpful and healing to me in a time like that, but it was anything but. it just kept me alive and i suppose that was part of the point and good enough.

by the time i was released, i had lost my job. they didn't even fire me to my face. just told my wife. the end of that year was... not good. nor was the beginning of 2022. i took the opportunity to go ahead and get my other wrist operated on for carpal tunnel and got both elbows (cubital tunnel) done in january and march of 2022 as well.

it was around this time-ish last year that my body image issues started to tank. my dysphoria was so bad i wouldn't even look in a mirror. i hated myself. everything about myself. the body i saw was not me and and i could not continue long that way. i met who became my closest friend and ally in this time. with his help and support.... i fought to fully transition. I literally do not know where I would be without him and I hope he knows that and how much he means to me. i came out publicly and socially completely and in july i finally got to start T. i am just over 7 months in and in may i have my consult for top. i'm getting there.

you would think this would mean i was finally happy and things should be good, right? while i am on a journey that has been a lifetime in the making and am changing daily and week to week closer to my true self? it's a very slow and long process. especially in a time like now when the rights of trans and lgbtqia+ people are constantly being threatened and challenged. it's scary and it's a struggle daily to be who i am. there are a lot of challenges that come with this and it is not an easy road and anyone who thinks we just up and choose to be this way can eat shit and fuck right off. nobody would choose this kind of pain and struggle.

to top that off... in case all of this wasn't clear? i have a giant list of things diagnosed and wrong with me. cptsd, ptsd, mood disorder, severe treatment resistant depression, anxiety disorder, borderline, gender dysphoria, panic attacks etc. these are things that don't just disappear. it means i still go to weekly therapy. it means i keep having to adjust to and come off meds and start new ones etc. it is a constant trial and error and a constant fight to keep going and be able to be better and just be okay. some days i'm fine and some days i'm not. sometimes i can be fine one moment and not the next. this is the nature of the beast.

so that brings us to now. once again... too many stresses.... too many blows one right after another snapped me. i broke and this time the difference is i knew it. i could feel it happening and see all the signs. the positive light here? in recognizing this, i knew i needed to fight like hell. i needed to get help. i knew i couldn't do this by myself. i can't keep going like this. so, i took the steps necessary yesterday to get in touch with my therapist and the location that handled my inpatient stay to get an assessment. this was so fucking hard to do because you run the risk of them saying you need to go inpatient. i took the risk because i knew i couldn't do this alone. bad things would happen.

so, that brings me to where we're at now. after being discussed with the psych on call, my assessment was recommended i do partial hospitalization. php is basically as intensive and the same thing as inpatient except you get to go home at the end of the day. this is the best possible outcome for me. i am scared shitless and it's a huge change and my social anxiety and ptsd for being back in the facility are through the fucking roof. i start monday. i'll be there monday-saturday 8am-3pm basically for 2-4 weeks. after that time, i will more than likely be moved into intensive outpatient for another 4-8 weeks. but you know what? i'm committed. i want to learn. i want to get better. i want the fucking help. it's not going to cure me, but it can damn well help me. that's all i want. (it's also breaking my heart that i now have to miss my best friend's wedding because i can't get out of the hospitalization. once i'm in, i'm in. it breaks me and i know he understands, but i wanted to be there for him and with him and it was important to me, but this can't be helped and i know that. it still hurts.)

so... that's my story. that's where i am. every day is a struggle, but right now... the struggle is damn near impossible. it is excruciating and it is draining of almost all of my emotional/mental/physical spoons/capacity. it makes daily life hard to even get through the day, it makes talking with people like i normally do extremely hard and it makes having enough brain power to be on here and get to anything substantial a crapshoot. some moments i can do it and have a lot of muse and feel the need to distract and writing has always been my favorite coping tool. but i just can't guarantee. i can't make promises about my activity and i hope that's understood and okay at this point. just know i WANT to be here. just know i am TRYING.

again... let me reiterate that i am not looking for pity in all of this. i'm not. honestly? i hope this HELPS at least one of you. i hope it shows you that sometimes it is okay to not be okay. it sucks, but it doesn't make you broken, even when it sure as fuck feels like you are. i hope it inspires someone to get help. i hope it makes someone remember to take their meds. i hope it lets someone know they are NOT alone. i hope it reminds someone to check in on a friend/love one. i hope it nudges someone to come out and be themselves and fight for who and what they are. why do you think i resonate with chris so much? why i love him so much? he fights. he never fucking gives up. no matter what. he grits his teeth together and he fights for himself and everyone he cares about.

"No one gets left behind. Not on my watch."

be kind to yourselves. know that you can always talk to me if you need to. if i have the spoons i will be here to listen and help if i can. know you are not alone. and most importantly?

remember that everyone behind one of these blogs that you're writing with or following... everyone on the street you see... we're all fighting our own invisible battles. you never know what someone is going through. you never know the struggle they're hiding. be kind to people, especially your fellow RPers. respect each other. lift each other up. befriend and love each other. nourish each other's creativity and hobby. stop fucking being so quick to break each other down.

mental illness is just as valid as physical illness.... you just can't SEE it. it's time to start treating it that way. it's time to stop looking down on people for what you don't understand. be glad you fucking don't if you haven't had to experience this shit then you're lucky. listen. be kind. learn. advocate.

Love, J

[somewhereinsidemyhead]

The story starts with Jian. She was 6 when her younger brother fell ill. She's always left alone by her parents to attend her brother to the hospital.

On her birthday, she waited for her parents to come when the sun finally set. She knew they couldn't come anymore so she just decided to go to the near playground in front of their school. That's the day she met the 6 year old Xy.

Xy was also often left alone on his own. His parents are both career oriented and are busy at work. He doesn't like eating at home alone so he waits for them to pick him up at the playground even when it gets late at night.

He was reading his textbook when Jian came to ask him. Are you alone too? He didn't really answer but just nod. Let's be friends then. I'm also alone most of the time, so if we became friends we won't be alone right?

Xy isn't really good at making friends but Juan is a very persuasive girl. Soon they become really close and even became classmates at 2nd grade.

Summer are days that they are inseparable. It's either they play at her house, his house or the playground. One day, they saw this kids laughing at this ugly crying kid . Jian despise those type of kids so she immediately shoo them off and even Xy help scaring them. She offered her hands to the still crying kid. The 6 year old Zac is looking like a beggar with dirty clothes and snotty face. Jian didn't mind and helps stop crying and cleans himself.

Zac was being pick on for having no parents. He only live with his grandparents who cares for him. Even though he likes playing with friends, those kids are being mean to him. Since then, he only considered being friends with the two.

3 of them grew up facing life challenges as kids who lacks parental influence but they carry on and live the best of there days having fun, getting a little trouble and doing things they each likes.

The 3 of them became each others pillars until 8 grade. When the two left and her brother died.

At the present. 17 year old Jian is in senior year. She's still the playful and sensitive girl. She fancy doing art, creating and experimenting.

It was the second week since school started when Xy transfer to the same school and became classmates. It is very unexpected but never did Jian imagine that both will came back the same day, because Zac came later.

The two are obviously too clingy to her but she too awkward to them. She didn't know what to feel and days came by and she started to get annoyed by there attention towards her. The other classmates are asking questions too and she's too awkward to explain it.

The two felt Jian being distant to them. They respect her feelings because it's their wrong leaving and she got no one when her brother died. They are left with no chance to explain her and didn't want to reason to her because they knew it won't change the fact that she didn't deserve being left alone.

Xy and Zac tried there best to show her that nothing changed between them. They are too focused on keeping up with her that they didn't even noticed her struggling.

You both think that you owe me something but you didn't. We all got no choice, we're all kids back then. You two had a life to carry on and so was I. You left but it's not like the end of the world for me. I'm fine. I get new friends, I had a table to had lunch with, I still do art but just a different type, I go home and do my things. I am fine with life even without you two. So you don't owe me anything at all. I can buy things on my own. I can decide whether to eat or not to eat my food. Play or not to play at sport. I don't need any of you two at all.

The two are surprised hearing her thoughts. Only to realize that she's holding back her tears. Zac couldn't help but get emotional too and spoke when she's about to leave.

I know it's no point explaining our side because we still left you and broke our promise. Please don't get mad.

We're sorry. Sorry for leaving you behind.

Xy spoke too. But Jian didn't like people seeing her cry so she left them there still.

She cried all the way home, like a little kid who lost her candy. She finally let out all her thoughts and disappointments that she's been holding since they came back. Despite all, she still worries that her words might be hurtful to them so she cried even more.

On the next days, the two decided to give her time to adjust until she voluntarily let's them be close again.

Still struggling how to manage her feelings towards the two, a new guy came to help her.

They are classmates for a long time but never really got a chance to be friends. They had their own circle of friends. This time it's different. They are seatmates.

Jian is too shy to talk to him and Steven thinks she didn't like talking to him. Until one conversation about arts and museum gets them. They shared there own philosophy and get to know that they are quite similar to each other.

Steven them remembers something that Jian said in the first day of school. When they shared introductions, he remembers her telling that she likes rain the most, her favorite memories is playing in the rain when she's a kid. So he invites her to this new interactive art museum he just heard of. It was sudden so he didn't expected when Jian accepted it. She's really something new to him.

The two enjoys and never had a dull moment. They both love art and appreciate the place together. Until he take her to this live rain shower room. It's the part of the museum where it captures the live ambiance of a heavy rain shower. It's feels like it's really raining just that no water at all, but the cold air, the sound, the fresh smell of the ground, the beauty of dark sky and the heavy feeling.

One moment both are apprecting the place until Jian stops and tears can't stop falling. Steven desperately want to hug her to comfort her but he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable later. He just stand in front of her and guarded so other people won't noticed her.

She finally calm down. They went to a cafe to rest. They quite had a deep talk.

I hate how your happiest memory can also be your saddest because it just become a memory. I'm sorry for crying all of a sudden, you didn't have to shoulder those so please just forget it.

Don't worry, I'm good at keeping other's secrets.

What about you, don't you have your own secret?

No really. I like letting people know what I want them to know. I don't really like hiding myself just to please others

You're really an honest person huh.

Yes I am. So the thing is. I know this might sound weird and sudden but, I think I like you...

I like you too, we really make a good friends. Liking art and so many other things...

No. I mean. Like, not as a friend. At first I didn't really had the intention for this to turn like a certain type of feelings. I know we really could make good friends but... being with you the whole day, I kept denying it, but I guess even denying becomes an answer. I really like you and looking forward to going out with you and being your boyfriend.

[melodyvsthesea]

Worst things I ever did

1. Once i dove into a strangers truck in the back and when they confronted me I accidentally spilled cool ranch Doritos in there and then ran away

2. I burned a hole in my mattress and some unreplaceable photos and it set off the smoke detector so I started pouring water all over the floors. Then when the fire fighters got there I admitted everything instead of telling them I was just cooking and it got Smokey

3. I flashed my lady bits to a group of EMT’s while claiming that I was Rick Sanchez and Albert Einstein. And I believed it too and I told them while pointing at my vagina “is this what you want” then let them take me to the hospital only after my roommate convinced me

4. I kept everyone wide awake yelling that I hate all of them (my exes family) for two nights straight

5. I had sex in a park with a guy I met on tinder at 2 am and a guy with a dog walked by but I kept riding him

6.I had a meltdown about catching HIV on two separate occasions (I didn’t have it). I sent essay paragraphs to people I had sex with, freaking out about it

7. I told a guy I wouldn’t have sex with him because we were both the same mix of race and it would be too “meta”. The truth was I just didn’t want to do it because my mother was in the other room

8. I walked out of my house a few times in the middle of the night with no pants because I was sleep deprived and paranoid

9. I had such loud sex with my ex girlfriend in our apartment that several people complained and one even mocked us to our face and said we “moaned better than hookers”. One of the complaints was from a mother of 3.

10. I convinced my ex girlfriend to go to another country and give her child away to the baby daddy so we could be free because we were broke and stressed and the kid wouldn’t eat so I thought she would get worse.

11. I lived with my exes family for 6 months and didn’t pay rent nor did I look for a job until I thought my visa was expiring at the last minute. I let my ex not work too and we’d eat takeout a lot and go on dates using the grandparents money.

12. I’ve made my mother cry several times by saying she was the worst mother ever, but I’ve heard of worse.

13. I have led on and the blocked countless men. I have cursed out so many people too and destroyed their character with words. There are many who can’t stand me due to this.

14. I am very easy and slutty. I’ve given head to about 40 people, kissed 100+, and had normal sex with 30+. I swallowed every time too. It’s a miracle I never have gotten and std

15. I slapped my girlfriend twice while in severe psychosis and mania. I also choked her when she said she looked down on me for not getting a college degree. Now we still talk idk how

16. I slept with my friend of many years bf because she had always been mean to me and calling me ugly every day. I did it intentionally to hurt her feelings.

17. I took LSD with a guy I had only known for a year and I killed a huge insect in the sink while high and I could feel it hurting but I kept flushing it down the sink with water.

18. In kindergarten a bunch of me peers decided to dogpile on top of each other. I said I wanted to join but I was tall and they said no. So I jumped on all of them with my full weight because I was angry that I was being excluded. It hurt some of the kids and I got in trouble. When the principal asked why I did it I lied and said I didn’t know what would happen, but I definitely knew.

19. I’ve crawled on the ground sexily in the mental hospital and even kissed a man (consensual) that was a stranger, had sex with a stranger there, and kissed another guy (non consensually) with my COVID mask on and then apologized.

20. I riled up a very strong tall man in the mental hospital so much that he threw a chair at the window.

21. I pretended to be about to jump out of my sisters car so she would take me to the ER.

[luckycauldron]

I'm keeping this here. What for? I don't know... but I know that I want to look back into this on a happy note. One day.

I want to remember that most of the times, things in life won't work a certain way I expect it to be - and it's fine. It is. It completely is.

I just let out a sigh as I'm writing this haha.

I mean, who am I kidding? Life has been... how do I put this into words, hm? Bitter... sweet? Mindboggling? It feels like I got punched multiple times in the most hurtful ways, but every. single. time. I kind of... managed to survive? I couldn't dodge though, so I'm left with some real ugly bruises. But they're fading, so it's fine, except for the new ones I just got HAHA.

Ok enough with the metaphor.

Now on to the real talk. This would be the first time I'm voicing out what I'm about to.

And there goes another sigh.

Back on August last year, I broke up with my longtime boyfriend - 5 years and 8 months went down the drain. It was a mutual agreement, I initiated though. The guy was a coward, so I did what I had to do. I always knew it was coming, we were like spoiled milk, what do you expect? He made me wait, maybe too taken aback with my advance. I remember one time during my suffocating wait, I was praying and silently crying in the upstairs room, holding back a scream because everyone was asleep and I ended up with the most terrible stomach cramps I've had in my entire 27 years of living. That made me stop crying abruptly, and the next thing I knew I was clutching on to the nearest table tops because I thought I was gonna die from the pain. Very dramatic. Even my cats were judging from afar. 'Ugh, when will this end', 'Make it stop', 'What an embarrassment' were evident on their evil little faces.

So then the breakup happened. It was sad, but I was mostly relieved that the spoiled milk had finally find a home - yes, the garbage dump, duh! We also had this stupid thing where we say "Let's be friends. I have a feeling we'd make the best of friends even we're no longer lovers" as a closing statement. Total cuckoo move. Can't believe Vicky was right.

To be honest it was hilarious watching myself going through my first breakup. Definitely a journey not to be missed out. I'm not gonna go into details but let me paint you a picture through the songs I associated during this 'self-discovery' phase.

Phase 1: Astrid S - It's Ok If You Forget Me

Phase 2: Taylor Swift - Tolerate It & Champange Problem

Phase 3: Billie Eilish - Happier Than Ever

Phase 4: Cokelat - Karma

Phase 5: Tulus - Hati Hati di Jalan

Yeah, I basically went through the infamous 5 stages of grief without me realizing it.

Fast forward to October. I am ashamed to admit this, but deep down I kind of expected him to wish me Happy Birthday. But of course, he didn't. Fucking asshole. Let's be friends, my ass.

Then, came December. If this was a movie, it must be the crazy sister of Denis Villeneuve's Enemy - for its next level of mindfuckery. It actually left me saying 'what the fuck?' even today, because what in the actual fuck is happening, really? I blinked and what... he got married now?

He fucking did.

Now, this was the moment where it finally came down to me that; this is it - The Grand Finale. I've had billions of scenarios I always play in my head; what's gonna happen that now we're on our own. It did occurred to me that cases like this would happen but I calculated and the chances are slim, because I was confident that I'll have it first. I'll be happy first. I'll meet someone first. And he'll live a miserable life knowing I am the best he's had. Oh, I know I am. Still, what a dick. Good luck, though.

Lesson learned: please improve on your calculation skill, it is highly unreliable. /look self in disgust/

Just around the same time when the breakup was about to happen, I was offered an opportunity in my current job for an overseas relocation. The timing was just too perfect. I couldn't say no. No, why would I say no?! This has been a lifetime dream of mine. You see, the whole year I was struggling to find the time to prep for my scholarship permits and docs with Schoters which I subscribed to but never had the time for - now I didn't have to reach so high, because this time it's handed to me on a silver platter. For once, life finally gave me what I want.

So, I agreed instantly. I didn't even have to think.

Two weeks ago, I was informed that my IPA has been issued and I should be able to fly there by early Feb. What an opener for a new year, right?! Until today happened... they told me that overseas assignment will be hold until further notice. Apparently, the project I'm handling is causing quite a loss to the Company so they want to cut costs and might opt for offshore assignment instead.

I am at loss of words.

Lesson learned: i've spent 5 minutes just thinking about this, and i still can't come up with anything good. I'll see and come back to this on end Feb. Fingers crossed everything's settled by then.

Yep, that's all I want to say.

Before I end this entry, I want to put here these very cute pictures of me and my 10+ years girl friends, as reminder that nothing is or will be too bleak with them around.

[jumbledofthoughts]

#2

I'm keeping this here. What for? I don't know... but I know that I want to look back into this on a happy note. One day.

I want to remember that most of the times, things in life won't work a certain way I expect it to be - and it's fine. It is. It completely is. Trust me.

I just let out a sigh as I'm writing this haha.

I mean, who am I kidding? Life has been... how do I put this into words, huh? Bitter... sweet? Mindboggling? It feels like I got punched multiple times in the most hurtful ways, but every. single. time. I kind of... managed to survive? I couldn't dodge though, so I'm left with some real ugly bruises. But they're fading, so it's fine, except for the new ones I just got HAHA.

Ok enough with the metaphor.

Now on to the real talk. This would be the first time I'm voicing out what I'm about to.

Yep, there goes another sigh.

Back on August last year, I broke up with my longtime boyfriend - 5 years and 8 months went down the drain. It was a mutual agreement, I initiated though. The guy was a coward, so I did what I had to do. I always knew it was coming, we were like spoiled milk, what do you expect? He made me wait, maybe too taken aback with my advance. I remember one time during my suffocating wait, I was praying and silently crying in the upstairs room, holding back a scream because everyone was asleep and I ended up with the most terrible stomach cramps I've had in my entire 27 years of living. That made me stop crying abruptly, and the next thing I knew I was clutching on to the nearest table tops because I thought I was gonna die from the pain. Very dramatic.

So then the breakup happened. It was sad, but I was mostly relieved that the spoiled milk had finally find a home - yes, the garbage dump, duh! We also had this stupid thing where we say "Let's be friends. I have a feeling we'd make the best of friends even we're no longer lovers" as a closing statement. Total cuckoo move. Can't believe Vicky was right.

To be honest it was hilarious watching myself going through my first breakup. Definitely a journey not to be missed out. I'm not gonna go into details but let me paint you a picture through the songs I associated during this 'self-discovery' phase.

Phase 1: Astrid S - It's Ok If You Forget Me

Phase 2: Taylor Swift - Tolerate It & Champange Problem

Phase 3: Billie Eilish - Happier Than Ever

Phase 4: Cokelat - Karma

Phase 5: Tulus - Hati Hati di Jalan

Yeah, I basically went through the infamous 5 stages of grief without me realizing it.

Fast forward to October. I am ashamed to admit this, but deep down I kind of expected him to wish me Happy Birthday. But of course, he didn't. Fucking asshole. Let's be friends, my ass.

Then, came December. If this was a movie, it must be the crazy sister of Denis Villeneuve's Enemy - for its next level of mindfuckery. It actually left me saying 'what the fuck?' even today, because what in the actual fuck is happening, really? I blinked and what... he got married now?

He fucking did.

Now, this was the moment where it finally came down to me that; this is it - The Grand Finale. I've had billions of scenarios I always play in my head; what's gonna happen that now we're on our own. It did occurred to me that cases like this would happen but I calculated and the chances are slim, because I was confident that I'll have it first. I'll be happy first. I'll meet someone first. And he'll live a miserable life knowing I am the best he's had. Oh, I know I am. Still, what a dick. Good luck, though.

Lesson learned: please improve on your calculation skill. It is highly unreliable. /look self in disgust/

Just around the same time when the breakup was about to happen, I was offered an opportunity in my current job for an overseas relocation. The timing was just too perfect. I couldn't say no. No, why would I say no?! This has been a lifetime dream of mine. You see, the whole year I was struggling to find the time to prep for my scholarship permits and docs with Schoters which I subscribed to but never had the time for - now I didn't have to reach so high, because it's handed to me on a silver platter.

So, I agreed instantly. I didn't even have to think.

Two weeks ago, I was informed that my IPA has been issued and I should be able to fly there by early Feb. What an opener for a new year, right?! Until today happened... they told me that overseas assignment will be hold until further notice. Apparently, the project I'm handling is causing quite a loss to the Company so they want to cut costs and might opt for offshore assignment instead.

I am at loss of words.

Lesson learned: i've spent 5 minutes just thinking about this, and i still can't come up with anything good. I'll see and come back to this on end Feb.

Yep, that's all I want to say.

Before I end this, I want to put here these very cute pictures of me and my 10+ years girl friends, as reminder that nothing is or will be too bleak with them around.

[bwoahtastic]

More A/B/O - Omegaverse starters

Made another of these a while ago (found here) and decided to give it another shot.

Feel free to reblog and use, but do not repost here or outside of tumblr!

"Betas shouldn't be able to get pregnant" "Well, here we are anyways."

"The scar on my neck? My Mate broke our bond and left me."

"You're even more obnoxious in your wolf form!"

"We can't have you in our Pack anymore."

"Can you please join my nest?"

"I would happily be the father/mother to your pups."

"Stupid Alphas with their stupid fights for dominance."

"Present for your Alpha..."

"Stop your hissing, I know you're happy to see me."

"No one has ever touched me there..."

"I never wanted to have pups, but I love our little one so damn much."

"You reek of sex. Where did you sneak off to, little Omega?"

"I shouldn't say this, but whenever [Pack Alpha] growls, I slick up so much."

"If I win this fight, you're Omegas will be mine."

"I surely can't be pregnant!" "You are literally in labour as we speak!"

"You are not related to them by blood" "I don't care if they don't share my genes, they are my pups!"

"I have never belonged to a Pack before, I don't know what is expected of me."

"I'll have you know that I won my regional nesting competition 5 years in a row!"

"I'm scared of my Heat." "Don't be, I'll take care of you."

"Who left slick all over the couch again?!"

"This Pack would fall apart without its Betas."

"How can they be Pack when they don't speak the same language?" "Rumbles and purrs are universal."

"I can't believe Omega auctions still exist..."

"They are feral!" "They just like to bite people, it's fine."

"I don't want to be owned, I want to be free..."

"Did you see [Pack Alpha] rock the pups to sleep?"

"My Mate passed away. It's just me and the pups now."

"They Mated someone else! I thought I had a chance..."

"It hurts so much, feeling the Mating Mark fade..."

"Your scent glands are all swollen, who neglected you like this?"

"I would be a better Pack Alpha!"

"I think [Alpha] might be going into Rut. I woke up to them humping my leg."

"I don't belong to a Mate, I belong to the Pack"

"I found this pup outside and I'm keeping them."

"I would like to have 1 day in which no one cries in this Pack."

"Did you hear about the Alpha who got knocked up?"

"Your Pack despises me."

"Your Mate doesn't treat you right!"

"Omegas nest together, Alphas just pile up on the sofa and growl a bit."

"Alphas are allowed to cry too, you know..."

"We broke up, my Alpha realised he was only into other Alphas."

"Our last Pack didn't approve of [Omega/Omega, Alpha/Alpha, etc] Mates."

"Have you ever been with 2 [Alphas/Betas/Omegas] at the same time?"

"You are wearing my Alpha's sweater!"

"I love Alpha wrestling as much as the next person, but you really hurt my neck this time."

"I have 3 pups in my belly, excuse me for not being fast!"

"There is slick all over your thighs, love."

"They sure don't look like an [Alpha/Omega/Beta]."

"You cheated on me? With them?!"

"I have always been alone through my Heat. I will manage to get through it again."

"I didn't get the job, because of my status."

"Welcome to the Omega shelter, are you alone or do you have pups with you?"

"I honestly have lost count of how many pups we have in the Pack."

"P-please scent me, I don't want to smell like them, I want to smell like you..."

"Did you meet up with that [Alpha/Beta/Omega] from [Dating app]?"

"I feel ugly." "Darling, you are the most beautiful [Alpha/Beta/Omega] in this room."

"My bump is really starting to show now!"

"You're so small, Omega, I can just carry you around."

"I thought I would have to raise my pups alone. But seeing you with them today, made me realise they had 2 parents all along."

"Your Alpha punched my Alpha first!"

"We had such a great night together, and now I won't ever see them again."

"Wait! Your knot is too big-"

"There was an Omega being threatened and hurt, so I took them home to the Pack."

"Young Alphas should always want to be Pack Alpha." "I don't. I am happy to serve my Pack Alpha."

"Maybe this wasn't the right place and time to knot you..."

"Who scratched up [Alpha's] back so much?" "I might have gotten a little possessive last night."

"I have nothing. No Mate, no pups, no Pack..."

"Silly Alpha thinks they are in charge? How wrong you are..."

"No wrestling in the nest!"

"What happened last night and who did you get Mated to?"

[tavvattales]

Hello! Can you make a comfort Albedo x insecure reader fic? I've had acne since 14. It was and still is very bad, getting worse with every treatment that I try, now on stage 3. I just... I don't know what to do anymore. There were many nights when I cried about my looks and I feel stupid to cry over something so irrelevent. I get compliments only when I'm standing next to my sister because people don't want to offend me. I don't feel like a woman. Sorry to dump this all on you....

Hello hihi! Okay, so never apologize for getting your feelings off of your chest. You are valid! <3 Thank you for trusting in me to write this for you. I hope you like it.

-----------------

The Beauty You Carry~

GENSHIN IMPACT Character x fem! reader fluff stories

Characters: Albedo

Pairings: Albedo x fem reader

Warnings: Insecurities, talk of hating self, not feeling beautiful

Click below for more~

Making a fuss with your makeup, you slam your foundation onto the sink, the glass breaking in the progress. Your foundation oozing out all over in a spectacular mess. Glancing up at the mirror and seeing the blemishes across your complexion, you can't help but start weeping. Feelings of disgust and misery bubble over as you say to yourself between broken sobs, "Why can't I be pretty? I hate this!"

In your state of anguish, not hearing Albedo approach the bathroom door to check on you, you jump at the sound of his voice calling out to you, "Y/N, love, are you alright?" Albedo, without a second thought, rushes to you, grabbing the hand you broke the foundation with, "You're bleeding. .my love, talk to me. What ails you?" He asks with such affection and worry in his voice.

Snatching your hand back, not feeling deserving of his tenderness, you shout, "Just leave me be! I'm fine!" the tears that have been falling start stinging, and realizing what you just did, you find yourself slumping to the ground, tenderly holding your injured hand, "I-I'm sorry, Bedo. . I just don't feel like a woman. I look so ugly and feel even worse than that," you say, hiccuping and sniffling.

Albedo leaning to your height, takes your injured hand in his once more, dabbing it with a wet cloth, cleaning it meticulously in silence. Tying a handkerchief tightly, he finally speaks, "Y/N, while I may not truly understand what you're going through, one thing I am certain of is how beautiful you are to me," lifting your chin gingerly, not even noticing your blemishes, and looking into your eyes Albedo sees a woman with love in her gaze. A woman who is a fighter. A woman who is kind. A woman who stole his heart. A woman through and through. To him, nothing could be compared to the beauty you held.

"You're so beautiful; you stole my heart all over again," he continues, gently placing kisses upon your forehead, then softly upon your eyelids. Finally, capturing your lips, he pulls away, leaving you blushing furiously, "Perfection. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Stunning. Extraordinary. Lovely. Attractive," he says, stealing another delicate kiss between each word.

Your tears drying up, you wrap your arms around his neck, his teal gaze showing you nothing but truths. You are beautiful. Soon your thoughts start filling up with the endless praises of your lover, accepting each kiss with warmth.

[poppy-metal]

I just finished punch drunk love and I am so so attached to reader in that fic????

Maybe I'm looking too into this and I'll spend stupid if I say this but I feel like reader has major attachment and abandonment issues. This isn't another case of me relating way too much to YN in a fic (it totally is) but I somehow just know she's very depressed

1) from this quote from the fic:

“God, I love when you’re such a fuckin’ sap, you know that?”

I can tell that she's attached to eddie because he encouraged her to open up, to be vulnerable and be  human. But she relapses into a toxic state of dominance when she breaks up with eddie. It's very obvious that the last time she's ever been openly vulnerable was when they broke up and in that moment she was 'fucked over' by the love of her life. She knew that if she became vulnerable and emotional she might lose someone she really cares for and loves, so she's mean and stubborn as a shield from opening up to people and basically just being human

Here are some other quotes to back up my point:

"You're ashamed to feel tears burn your eyes. You hate crying. Emotional crying anyway. Especially when you spent two hours on this whole smokey eye look, fuck."

"You squirm as your eyes turn to Steve again. "And i didn't want you to know how much i liked being dominated....was too embarrassing. It's easier to just be a bitch. But i love you, steve. Come here?""

2) speaking of being vulnerable,  maybe she was scared of doing so because she met some toxic people in her life? This quote:

"You lean into Eddie's touch immediately, wanting to crawl into his lap, so you do. You can't believe you're lucky enough to have someone like him. He should be throwing you out, and banishing you from his trailer but instead he's saying You can have what you want? That he wants it too?"

Might imply that ppl have left reader in the dumps for acting the way she is (remember, she became mean, a prude and a cunt when she moved away)

3) she uses her attractiveness as an escape from opening up. When she was fucking eddie for a second time, she says this:

""Pl- missed you so much- my pussy missed you so much-""

She makes everything sex related to distract others from realizing how hopeless and depressed she is. If she wants to feel something, she has to do it sexually, not emotionally or intimately

And finally, 4) it's obvious other people have tried encouraging her to vent, to open up. But she refused. Why though? Because they weren't eddie

This quote shows how others have tried helping her :

"You flush angrily and pop up, hating being called out. God, why did everyone wanna make you own up to things?"

So yeah, as much of a cunt she is, reader just wants to be loved and reassured. She's heartbroken and seeks comfort in eddie (well, eddie and steve)

....

or maybe I'm just look too deep into this and being an idiot lmao

so punch drunk love was originally an RP with me and one of my close friends (that's why the format may read different than usual) that I liked so much i wanted to edit it into a fic, so this...you just read me to filth. LMAOOOOOOO

but its honestly so sweet? you took time to analyze the character? ik we all write fics w reader as a pretty blank slate so everyone has a chance to relate but i like reader w problems. I like reader who fucks up and does wrong and has ugly thoughts and does shitty things in the name of love. i love dissecting that.

[marvel-m-lee]

Bathroom Tears- Imagine

Thor finds y/n crying in the bathroom because of some bullies ruining her day. <3

I fudging love this, and got the idea from @ombeline_bmt on tiktok <3

--------------------------------------------------

You couldn't handle it anymore, you weren't sure what to do and could feel the tears in your eyes. You just sat down and cried in the bathtub as freezing water soaked your muddy clothes, deep into your skin.

You couldn't focus on anything, tears mixing with the water. It was so unfair, you had tried so hard too, just to look nice. You thought it would change how they looked at you, but it didn't. No, instead. Instead you were here. In your bathroom, crying in the tub as the freezing water shot from the shower head.

The mud from your clothes began to sink into your skin, and you could feel the mud from your hair drip, grim. You felt disgusted, horrible, ugly. Everything became a blur as you sobbed into your knees.

"Lady Y/n? I mean you no harm but I am entering the room"

The door opened, though you barely even realised or heard it. The shower drowned out the thoughts, it drowned out everything, the good, the bad. It drowned out you.

"Oh, I don't believe that is how you shower? But it's been a while, and I am too a bit dirty"

Thor stepped in, sitting down opposite you, still wearing his clothes as the cold water fell on his head, soon flatterning the blond soaked with water.

He smiled as it felt refreshing on his skin, and gave out a little hum as so, closing his eyes as he imagined all his thoughts washing away.

He then looked back down to you, seeing you shake as you sobbed. He tilted his head like a puppy, with a sad face, and placed his hand on your shin, rubbing his thumb to try to calm you.

"Are you okay?..." he asked, quieter and less energetic, worried for you. Surprisingly, this out of everything caught your attention the most, as though the shower sounds had disappeared.

You gave a little hiccup, trying to slow spen your crying to talk. Thor became even more worried and sat on his knees to lean closer to you, rubbing your back as the water continued to spray on the two of you.

"I assume it's to do with the mud over your new outfit?" Thor asked, a calming voice filled the air. You nodded, still not looking up as you probably had some makeup running down your face, along with some muddy water.

"Don't worry, we can fix it. I am sure Stark would be able to wash it, and then Natasha or Loki and I could do your make up, though I cant promise i'll make you look like a princess. Honestly you don't even need makeup to do so-" Thor smilef at you, lifting your hair away from your face, only showing a small amount, but even so.

"You already look like one" you looked up slightly, a bright smile on his face, his clothes soaked with water and his hair dripping.

"Would you care to explain what happened?" He asked, sitting down again.

You looked down, embarrassed and upset by the situation. "I- I want out, and I wore the outfit because Steve and Stark said I should to- to show everyone my beauty, but when I got to school, everyone was looking at me and- and I guess the girls dodnt like that?" You said, Thor's heart broke as your voice cracked, on the edge of crying again and talking quickly to avoid it.

"They saw the opportunity and they pushed me down the hill- and it was all muddy so... so I just. I was covered with mud- and everyone began talking and pointing and I just couldn't-"

"Shh, its okay" Thor hushed you, embracing you, holding you close as you began to sob again.

"They were jealous, and rightfully so. You are beautiful, Stark and Rogers are correct" Th9r began to comfort you, rocking you.

"You showed off that beauty, and we are so proud of you. Those girls don't understand respect, nor deserve any after what they put you through." That last part he said with a little more aggression, obviously pissed off that those girls made you cry.

"Though, Lady Y/n, as much as the shower is a great place to cry, they do not deserve your tears" He leafed down to look at you, and lifted your head up to look at him.

"Come now, let us show them your beauty. I'm not great at make up but I am wonderful at getting mud and blood out of hair. We will find you a new outfit, one even better!" You couldn't help but smile at him, his optimism radiating.

He waved your tears, though it did very little, and turned to sit behind you in the shower. He grabbed the hair shampoo and conditioner, doing his hair as well as your own.

You loved Thor. So very much.

[cyborg-franky]

Franky, if you don't mind may I ask for an emergency request. I know you have things to worry about in your life so please don't feel pressured to answer this anytime soon. <3 any comfort from Ace with a reader who's just going through a tough time and is feeling very emotionally exhausted would be appreciated! thank you I hope you're having a good day xoxo

Anything for you my love <3 I hope this helps and know I am always here for you.

Ace x GN Reader SFW Word Count: 444

Ace was more perceptive than many people gave him credit for, especially when it came to you and how you were feeling. You were perched on the railings of the Moby Dick, arms looped lazily around one of the many ropes leading higher.

“Wanna burn something?” He asked casually leaning against the wood, arms stretched out either side of him, patting the rails and trying to act nonchalant.

“Why would I want to burn something?” You said with a laugh and glanced at the logia with an eyebrow raised, well that sudden burst of Ace had been enough to chase the gloomy expression from your face.

“It makes me feel better, so I thought..” He offered as he tipped his hat back, watching you as you adjusted where you were sitting, climbing down to stand next to him, his arm draped across your shoulders and pulled you closer.

“What makes you think there’s anything wrong?” You asked not looking at Ace, staring at your feet.

“Your face!” He blurted out and enveloped you into a full hug now, smushing your face against his chest. “Nah, wasn’t just that, I share a bed with you, hard not to notice when your partner is either not sleeping enough or too much” he said with a sigh, his hands tangled in your hair as he stroked it softly.

“I can tell your exhausted and just keep pushing through it, your there for everyone, let someone be there for you” He mumbled into your hair, squeezing you tighter.

His words were soft, full of meaning, you felt loved, cared for, and seen. You tried your best not to cry but it wasn’t enough. You broke down in his arms, sobbing, letting everything that had built up this far just come crashing down. Ace said nothing else, he just held you for a moment, stroking your back, kissing the top of your head.

“It’s alright to cry, let it out, I’m here yeah?” The freckled pirate said, cooing softly.

Ace carried on with small comforting words as you simply let everything fall off your shoulders, the crying had helped even if your eyes stung. He let you pull away from him, he grimaced slightly at how wet you’d left his chest which just made you chuckle, mumbling a sorry and use your sleeve to dry him off.

“Feel better?” he asked holding your shoulders.

“I think so, I might need a nap though.. come with me?” You asked watching him nod with a bright smile.

“And if I still feel bad.. we can go burn things”

“Yes! I’ve wanted to set fire to Marco’s ugly ass chair for weeks”

TAG LIST: @acesmarigold @undercoverweeeb @kaizokuwritings @slut4animedilfs @sanjithesimp @fire-fist-ann @rivvd-art @angeltani @mimi-ya @simp4ace @aifozu @useless-potatho @iloveportgasdace @strawhat-bast

[itgirlification]

supermodel | jjk

the last three months have been hell for you, but Jungkook seemed to be living his best life.

pairing: ex-bf!jk x thick!reader

warnings: explicit mentions of body image and insecurities, infidelity, anal sex, oral (male receive), foul language (kinda), etc.

now playing: supermodel by sza

part two part three

Exactly three months ago, your and Jungkook’s 2 years relationship officially ended. Unofficially, it ended about 5 months ago. And for about one month now, Jungkook’s been seeing someone else.

Your heart and mind told you not to do it but you couldn’t help calculating. Three months ago, you were still dating, two months later, he started dating someone else. That must mean he’s known her for a while. Did he cheat on you with her? Well, it’s not like it matters now anyway, does it?

Her name was Yuki, an undeniable Japanese beauty. You were still in college, studying music and she was a famous model who appeared in internationally known magazines. You assumed she met Jungkook during a photoshoot since he was a professional photographer who often worked for companies like Vogue and Playboy. You couldn’t help but compare yourself to her.

It wasn’t the fact that he moved on so quickly that hurt you the most. It was the fact that he knew all about your low self-esteem and how you lack confidence. Especially about your body. And he still went and dated a model, of all professions in the world. He was definitely over you.

If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he did it on purpose. But thankfully, you knew better, he looked too happy for that to be even considered. He forgot about you.

You’re making yourself sadder by remembering all the times he assured you you were beautiful and your body was nothing to be ashamed of. The times he let his fingertips run over the lines of your stretch marks, whispering in your ear how much he loved them and how they reminded him of Tiger stripes. The times he caressed your jiggly thighs and told you how sexy he thought they were.

Then your mind would drift back to the phone in your hand, the Instagram page of Yuki Sakurai opened, careful not to accidentally like anything and expose yourself. Not that she’d notice anyway, she had 3.7 million followers, while you had a private one with 500 followers and no posts, and she gets around 300 to 700 thousand likes on each post, depending on whether she posts random photos or pretty pictures of herself. Or newly, your ex-boyfriend, Jungkook. Oh, how crazy everybody goes whenever she posts him. People love them together. You couldn’t blame them. Two attractive people? Of course, they’re gonna look great together.

Fucking great.

That the end of your relationship with Jungkook would look like this was semi-predictable from the beginning. He did admit to you that he never thought he’d date someone that looked like you when you first dated. And your heart broke a little. But he also made up for it in those two years, it was a beautiful relationship nonetheless.

While you weren’t exactly his ‘ideal’ type, he was definitely yours. You always heard from other women ‘when in a relationship, the man always has to love the woman more than she loves him. Otherwise, it won’t work.’ You never really got the saying until your breakup with Jungkook happened. It was the fact that you clearly loved Jungkook more than he loved you that lead to this.

“Oh my goodness!”, your roommate, Jane, dramatically exclaimed. “Will you stop feeling bad for yourself and do something? That’s not what hot girls do, sis.”

Jane was a lovely girl with a not so lovely temper. She always means well and you got along perfectly as soon as you met. Which was around 3 and a half years ago.

She looked over your shoulder to see what you were looking at. You obviously didn’t want her to see you snooping around your ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend’s Instagram but it was too late.

“Seriously, yn?”, she took your phone in her hand and threw it on the bed. “Let’s go somewhere, you can’t do this to yourself anymore. I’m not letting you.”

Jane was clearly worried about you at this point. The only thing you did these last few weeks was eating, shower, cry, sleep and miss a whole bunch of classes. This wasn’t good at all.

“Where?”, your question was short.

“To the mall? Or the nail studio? Anything that’ll get you out of this fucking dormitory.”, Jane sighed, pulling the blanket off of you, making you whine a little. “C’mon, go put on some cute outfit and we’ll go.”

You felt bad since she was trying hard to make you feel better. But it didn’t really work.

You nodded, standing up from the bed, nonetheless. You picked out a cute two-piece dress, that brought back blurred memories of the time you went on a date with Jungkook, wearing the same two-piece. Bet Yuki would look cuter in this...

‘Shut your petty ass up, yn. It’s embarrassing, the way you’re stuck on a taken guy who wants nothing to do with you’

You wish you could change the way you think, even if it’s just for an hour or two. You wish you would stop imagining Jungkook judging you when he saw you naked or when you told him that you wished you could cut off some of your fat with a pair of scissors.

You were beyond ashamed of yourself. Why wasn’t it easy for you to just stay by yourself? why were you so desperately in need of Jungkook by your side to the point where you’d lock yourself in your room for a month just because he isn’t there?

You needed Jungkook. You became so attached to him in those two years, because you always saw him as a permanent, a forever. Not just a temporary, not just a distant memory. You already saw him as the father of your children, as the man you’re gonna marry.

You were so blinded by the fact that you had him, that you forgot you could lose him anytime.

“I’m done, let’s go.”, unenthusiastically, you announced to Jane, who was already waiting for you.

“Let’s get the fuck outta here!”, In contrast to your spirit, hers seemed to be all roses and daisies. “Lord knows you need it...”

__________

“Look at this cute ass skirt, girl”, Jane pointed at a chic, wine mini skirt she was holding. “You know, when I saw it back there I wanted to have it, but it’d look so much better on you”

You took a few seconds to admire Jane’s beauty. She was about 3 cm taller than you, had a great posture, and almond, dark brown eyes that suited her dark skin tone perfectly. Her body leaned more towards the slimmer side.

“Shut up! No, it would not”, you let out a small giggle. “It would look gorgeous on you, buy it.”

She smiled a little at your laughs. She was happy to see you at least a little cheerful again. “Yeah, but I think it’d look better on you. I’m entitled to my own opinion, am I not?”

You knew this debate was gonna go back and forth, because of her stubbornness. “Let’s both buy the skirt.”

You ended up doing so, added by a bunch of bags full of clothing. This may’ve turned into your new coping mechanism. Who needed therapy when you can go on a shopping spree?

Two hours were spent in boutiques and clothing stores and Jane decided she was tired, wanting to visit the local spa.

“No, seriously, these Riverdale seasons just keep on getting worse and worse. Netflix needs to step up their game ASAP”, Jane ranted, making you laugh at how serious she takes it. “It’s getting embarrassing. I’m being for real.”

The two of you were sitting in the whirlpool at the spa, relaxing your whole bodies a little.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, I don’t watch these new Netflix shows anyways. Been stuck on the vampire diaries for the last 7 years”, you chuckled, knowing you hated trying new things. “Can you pass me one of those magazines?”

Jane nodded, grabbing a random one from the table next to her and handed it to you, without looking at it.

The cover of it caught your eyes immediately. How could it not, when your ex’s new girl looks absolutely dazzling on the front page of it.

‘Supermodel Yuki Sakurai talks summer fashion tips, struggle with self-love and most importantly, her hot, new boyfriend the media is going crazy over’ was the headline of the Harper’s Bazaar Magazine cover.

You felt your stomach getting sick and your breath getting heavier, but you still flipped the pages until you found the one with her interview. You began reading it, skipping the boring parts.

‘Int: so, we see you have a new boyfriend. Tell us, how did you guys meet?

Yuki: Yeah, he’s an amazing guy. We actually met about six or five months ago at one of my photoshoots, since he’s a photographer and we exchanged numbers and stuff, and then we made it official mid last month.’

About six or five months ago? You were with him back then, but her answer was too unclear to find out if he cheated or not.

“Woah, yn, you okay?”

You entirely forgot about the fact that you were with Jane, let alone somewhere other than your bed.

Before you could react, Jane snatched the magazine out of your hand.

“You really can’t escape them, huh?”, She sighs, taking you in her arm. “It’s gonna be okay, baby. In a few months, you’re gonna look back to this and think wow I really was stuck on a guy who’s scared of microwaves and cried like a bitch when Iron Man died.”

You laughed, punching her arm playfully. “You know, I actually love these things about him. Shows his sensitivity and the way he perceives things.”

Jane looked at you as if she didn’t believe you were actually saying that stuff. “Girl, you’re overanalyzing this. Let’s just throw this shit in the trash, okay?”

She put the magazine aside.

“I just don't know what I did wrong.”, You murmured. “I know we weren't the best, but we didn't even fight that much. We could’ve talked it through.”

Jane pursed her lips and cooed. “You know, relationships are complicated sometimes. The reason why he broke up, to begin with, is probably not your fault.”

“Well, what if it is? I mean what if I was too fat or too ugly for him?”, you asked. “If he wanted a skinny girl so bad, I could’ve lost weight for him, I don’t get it.”

Jane looked at you like you lost your mind entirely. “I can’t believe you just said that! Even if that was the reason, which it wasn’t, you shouldn’t make yourself suffer because of it. That’s his loss. You’re beyond gorgeous and you have an amazing body.”

“You’re just saying that.”, tears slowly started coming up in your eyes. “But the thing is Jungkook knows all about my insecurities. Why would he do that to me? I know he knows that I’m still not over him.”

You usually didn’t like crying in front of other people, but you didn’t really care at the moment, besides that was Jane. You trusted her with your life.

“Girl, men are trash, I can’t believe you’re crying over one right now, seriously.”, she wiped your tears and held your face between her hands. “You know, honestly, I’ve read so many articles about how models actually hate themselves and have like the lowest self-esteem so in conclusion, no matter how miserable you are, his new girl is even more miserable.”

You knew Jane didn’t mean it in a harmful way, but it sounded harsher than needed. “I don’t hate her, she probably doesn’t even know about me. I’m just really insecure. He upgraded from me. He’s dating a whole model now.”

The situation just felt like a deja vu of these last few weeks laying in your bed, even though you were at the spa with your friend. You were supposed to have fun, yet you didn’t feel like having any.

“Why would you feel insecure when all you’ve seen of her are Instagram posts and red carpet pictures? She’s supposed to look beautiful, it’s her job.”

To a certain extent, Jane was right, but that didn’t really help your situation, you still felt bad about yourself. You stayed silent.

“C’mon, this isn’t fun anymore. Let’s leave.”, Jane mumbled.

_______

it’s been two days since the incident at the spa and you felt a little bit better now.

Those days were spent reading the same three book series you’ve read your entire life, overthinking, hot Cheetos, Indian takeout, and Netflix. It really wasn’t as miserable as it sounded.

You were just taking a little rest before term break ends and you have to go back to the shithole college again.

Jane was using the time until college starts again, but in different ways than you were. She was planning on going to some frat party in an hour and forget about the world’ for a minute. Or till 4 in the morning, where she will most likely drunk call you and ask you for a ride back to the dorms, because the friends she went to the party with were shit-faced as well and were in no way capable of driving anywhere without the cops stopping them.

Going out partying on a Friday night was a Jane tradition. In the past, you’d sometimes go with her, but you mostly spent your time out with Jungkook doing something more fun than partying could ever be. Now you can’t do that anymore, but laying in bed is more ideal than a party for you at the moment.

“How do I look?”, Jane twirled around to show off her black cocktail dress. She looked beautiful.

“You look beautiful.”, you responded to her question. “Are you leaving now?”

“Hm”, she said, to which you nodded. “You sure you don’t wanna come with me? It’s gonna be really fun.”

You shook your head no.

“Alright”, she shrugged, making her way out of your bedroom. “But I told you, it’s gonna be fun.”

You chuckled, rolling your eyes. “I’ll stay here, I have shit to do.”

“Yeah, right, like binge-watching the vampire diaries and taking 5-hour naps”, she said in a sarcastic tone. “Anyway, bye-bye, Vic’s already waiting for me in the car.”

Victoria was perhaps one of the most obnoxious people you know, yet she was too much of a nice person for you to talk shit about her. The voice of your intrusive thoughts couldn’t help but to, though.

“Alright, bye, take care and say hi to Vic from me.”

After Jane left, an hour went by like it was just a couple of minutes. You were starting to get real bored and decided to watch some regular tv in hopes to find something you enjoy. You ended up not finding anything fun, but you still watched it, because you didn’t have anything else to do.

A few moments later, the doorbell rang and you were suddenly worried. Either this is a serial killer or Jane forgot something.

But to your surprise, it was neither, but it was none other than

“Jungkook?”, truly, those were the only words you were able to mutter out at your shocked state. “What are you do-“

At the speed of light, you were interrupted by your ex-boyfriend pressing his lips to yours. He didn’t say a word.

You weren’t expecting him. Not knowing how you were supposed to feel at the moment, you just let it happen. You were sure your mental state couldn’t get any worse than that, no matter how this will affect you in the end.

“Is Jane home?”, for the first time in 3 months, you’re hearing his silky voice again.

Jungkook knew Jane always had some type of special hatred for him with her killing stares and her bitter comments. You didn’t notice either though.

He also knew she must hate him even more after your breakup. Or maybe she liked him more now since she was able to get rid of him without killing anyone.

“No”, your answer was short and it made a weight fall from Jungkook’s shoulders before he continued kissing you.

It wasn’t anything you haven’t done before, yet it felt like it’s been ages since it last happened. Your mind drifted to the thought of Jungkook and his model girlfriend. You were asking yourself what their sex life was like, if she was tighter than you or if she had stretch marks and scars.

Jungkook’s lips were moving south, giving your neck wet kisses, while you were wondering why he broke up with his model girlfriend. Or if he even did. You felt selfish for not caring.

Removing your clothes one by one, you were left in your underwear, while Jungkook only had his boxers on.

This body was yours. You knew it inside out. Where he liked to get touched and where he preferred not to. You knew him better than anyone else. You were sure.

You already moved to your bedroom, since Jungkook effortlessly carried you there. You were sat on his lap, facing him and your hands were in his messy hair. His hands were around your waist, he was slightly smiling into the kiss, as you started grinding on him. He loved how easy it was for him to turn you on. You were still his.

Cutting off the kiss, he looked you in the eyes, while his hand was on your cheek. “Say aah.”, he said.

You widened your mouth obediently, which was followed by him collecting as much saliva as he could in his mouth and spitting it into your mouth.

“Swallow.”, demanding, he spit on your face, his eyes become darker with every passing moment. You did as he said.

You looked at him with big eyes. He knew you loved it. You’ve always had a thing for him degrading and humiliating you during sex.

He started grinding on you almost desperately. You knew exactly what he wanted.

Getting out of his grip, you dropped to your knees and freed his hard dick from his drawers. You reached for it and started pumping it, and licking it. Your spit was leaking down his dick as you used it for lubrication. Then you started sucking on it, just the way you used to.

Jungkook’s groans and satisfied sighs were enough to make you even wetter than before. You enjoyed giving more than receiving.

Your mouth was wet and warm around him, giving him a feeling of familiarity. You lick over the tip a few times, then proceed to fully take him into your mouth.

The bulge in your throat could be seen and the way your eyes were tearing up a little wasn’t bothering you at all. You loved giving.

Jungkook started thrusting in and out of your warm, welcoming mouth, his tip hitting the back of your throat multiple times.

“Fuck”, a throaty moan left Jungkook’s mouth, giving you hints that he was about to cum. And he did, releasing in your mouth before you swallowed it. “Shit, baby, that was so good.”

You felt your face heat up and a sheepish smile made its way to your face. Your throat was sore.

The two of you were on the bed again. To you, it felt like it was the times before your breakup again, when you’d purposely start an argument just for the makeup sex because Jungkook wasn’t giving you any anymore. It was like sex was the only thing to look forward to.

You felt attached to Jungkook to a point where it was dangerous. You weren’t okay when he wasn’t around. He affected every part of your life and God knew it wasn’t always a positive thing. Maybe it was the fact that he took your virginity. Maybe because he was your first boyfriend, the first guy that made you believe you were worthy of love and that someone was actually capable of loving you. One thing you knew was Jungkook had an expansive influence on your life.

While you were practically drowning in your own thoughts, Jungkook was busy taking off your underwear.

“You okay?”, Jungkook calmly asked you, looking at your riddled face.

“Huh? Yeah, I’m okay.”, you sounded distracted, Jungkook wasn’t sure about asking you what it is though. He didn’t feel like getting personal.

So he shrugged it off and started kissing you again, his dick was unsurprisingly hard again as he played with your tits. He drew lines over the stretch marks of your thighs and kissed them.

“Can I fuck your ass?”, Jungkook’s raspy, tired-sounding voice casually asked, to which you quickly nodded, knowing that Jungkook’s favorite position had always been anal. He was massaging and gripping your ass firmly.

“This is gonna hurt at first, but I promise it gets better.”, He warned calmly into your ear, while putting some lube on his dick and just went right into your ass, slowly thrusting so you don’t feel as much pain.

He was right, it did hurt a lot when he first put it in, but the pain just changed into pleasure in a matter of time and his slow-paced thrusts helped with the adjustment.

“Fuck, I missed this ass”, he practically growled into your ear, as he kept on thrusting in and out, steadily gripping your wide hips with his big, veiny hands. “It just doesn’t feel right when I’m inside her ass.”

You knew your confidence shouldn’t rely on Jungkook bringing his girlfriend down, but you couldn’t help but feel good about your body when he said that. It’s been a while since you felt even a tiny spark of confidence. You weren’t so fond of him mentioning her while he was inside of you.

Your soft moans rang through the whole room like sirens, while he watched your ass jiggle against his pelvis, thrusting in and out faster every second. He missed this.

You had always thought you were indecisive, but you knew exactly what you wanted. You just couldn’t have that, so you’d eventually have to settle for less.

Jungkook wasn’t to blame for it, you just couldn’t concede your shortcomings. The movie’s villain wasn’t always the real villain.

Your hands traveled to your pussy to make sure you’d orgasm as well, when you heard Jungkook’s breathing getting heavier and his thrusts getting gentler than before, indicating that he was gonna cum soon. You were certain he could make you cum with just anal, but you wanted to cum with him.

With furrowed eyebrows and drops of sweat dripping down his body, Jungkook looked down at your arched back. The whole scene was sticky, especially when Jungkook presses his upper body to your back, whispering sweet nothings into your ear and kissing the spot.

It was kinda odd, having sex with your ex-boyfriend you were crying over just a day ago. There was a certain intensity to it though. Like your long-lasting nostalgia was finally fulfilled.

You’ve realized you couldn’t imagine yourself being intimate with anybody else. Jungkook already knew your body, how it looked without the material protecting it, the strawberry skin, the slightly sagging breasts you swore you’d surgically remove once you had the chance to but didn’t. He knew where you liked being touched, he was the first one to even touch you in those places.

You were unsure what you’d do with yourself when he leaves.

Jungkook’s thrusts slowly started stopping and you too felt the familiar sensation in your stomach.

Suddenly, you two were nothing but desire, fear, and pleasure. And faster than you could process, you came together.

For minutes after your orgasm, you were just laying on the bed, thoughtless. Maybe a little regretful. Not you, but him.

You weren’t facing each other, but you could hear each other’s breathing. Your stomach was filled with something you’d describe as post-sex melancholia.

All of a sudden, Jungkook stood up from the bed, startling your resting self a little, but you decided to keep quiet, wanting to see what he was going to do.

He made his way to the door to leave what he thought was your sleeping body laying there. You couldn’t keep quiet anymore.

“Where are you going?”, your soft voice suddenly rang in his ears. “Don’t you wanna stay?”

He didn’t know how exactly to tell you. You’ve always been a gullible little girl, you were the type of girl to think fucking equals love. Little did you know that wasn’t the case at all.

“Yn.... you know I can’t”, Jungkook responded, you knew it wasn’t gonna be good when he said your name like that. “I got a girl at home and I don’t wanna mess shit up with her.”

There it was. Your suspicion was corroborated. He was still going out with the model and you were a certified home wrecker. Great.

You physically felt your heart breaking. “Bu- but why are you here then?”

You were incapable of being mad at him at the moment. It was your fault for letting him in, again. After breaking your trust and your heart.

“This was a mistake”, he declared, not looking into your eyes. “I’m sorry, yn...”

He’s moved past your room now, already at the exit of your dormitory. He was about to leave.

“You already ruined shit with her when you came here and fucked me.”, your voice was small, but your words were heard.

Without looking back, he left.

And you went back to your room, standing in the middle of it for a minute in silence before your brain fully processed what had happened and your tears started pouring.