#me except im not a girl anymore
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toby fox needs to add like a bit of narration in deltarune abt kris like "they themmed they/themily down the stheirs" cus i cant go on seeing them constantly get he/himmed in yt comment sections
#this is my punishment for actually looking at yt comments isnt it#deltarune#kris dreemurr#maybe im looking too much into things but...#it also feels sorta. misogynistic when ppl default to he/him for androgynous/non binary characters#like ive seen multiple ppl use “well its understandable that ppl assume kris is a he when they have such masculine behaviours/hobbies”#the masculine behaviours and hobbies in question are being a prankster#i shit you not#like they called pranking... masc?? huh#can girls and others not get their silly on anymore??#also like i said before with the exception of like frisk and chara like almost every nb character is masculinised#like napstablook monster kid#god there has to be more but my memory is shit atm and i also have to go eat dinner#but i wanna talk more abt like why it feels so misogynistic to me#i thinnk it has to do with the fact that defaulting to he/him just makes women feel like an afterthought. ig like unless its confirmed then#they must be a guy to be relevant or smth#and also like how much they gender entirely non gender specific things (see: pranking)#ofc it wouldnt be BETTER per se if they imagined these characters as girls but its smth ive noticed and i just get frustrated cus#it feels sexist but i cant FULLY articulate why#i feel like i had the answer a lil while ago but i forgot#i might come back to this who knows#wow ok rant over#for now
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Oh. Thats a friend group of mine making a whole ass new group chat without me in it. Okay cool. Love that.
#we had one but they went silent#one person said they were upset with me bc I had ‘ditched them for my new friends’#which. I don’t have any new friends. I’ve been trying to keep in contact with them but get hardly any response.#tried to apologize and say I’d ’do better’#but am still getting little to no response#and. one girl sent me a screenshot with the fb group icon in the corner#and it was everyone except me#which. lovely.#and they’re acting like my life has been amazing and wonderful#when it’s been one thing after another with the move my friend dying and a bunch of other shit#so yeah sorry I’m a bit absent a lot is going on#and I feel like they think im lying to them or making it up#like. idk what to do anymore#this isn’t about anyone here btw#btw the person who sent the screenshot didn’t send it to be mean she was showing me something she was going for#and I pretended I didn’t see it and just acted happy for her#now I’m not even gonna bring up my stuff to these people at all#idk man#this just hurts
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something about being told im 'the leading person at this whole academy when it comes to interpretation and stage intelligence' by the husband of the woman im trying (not really. but i mean. who knows) to seduce... ok boy you got me. lets make it a polycule.
#im playing it all cool and funny now but atm i legit burst into tears lol#like he said i have a 'good voice too of course' but i know realistically that is not my strongest asset#and even if i were technically perfect. which im NOT lol. the voice itself is just nothing special. it's there ig but that's about it#but its nice to know i may not be 100% useless after all#(just 90%)#also apparently the most feared and respected professor who came to the concert said. again. that he likes me the most.#which again. crying real actual tears about this all rn this means literally the world to me this is everything i have#and i have no one to share this with because im not gonna say it to my uni friend cause i dont want her to feel like im boasting or sth#(even tho she has no such qualms herself but probably because i know how. not great. it feels when someone keeps talking about themselves#and about how great they are and how easy everything is for them. i dont wanna do it back at her.#well there's also the fact that i dont think im great and this is not fucking easy to me at all lol#but idk i think the difference between us is that she actually admitted she sees no point in singing if she cant show off (thus she hates#the duet we're singing because she sings the lower part and cant show off her high notes or coloratura.#which is like. an insane take to me. i mean it i get it. kinda. if i had a voice like hers maybe id be like that too fuck knows.#but that just feels so. idk. sad to me. so self obsessed and empty. like you dont care about the music itself? about you being a part of it?#also immediately made singing with her not fun anymore. i thought we were creating something TOGETHER. but thanks for the confirmation#that you only really care about being 'better than'. yikes.#like idk this behaviour is funny and iconic in old school opera legends like yes go bite each others dicks off.#but it hits completely different when it's your own colleague let alone your friend. like damn girl. damn)#) anyway. the husband is kinda hot too now that i think of it. i really should seduce them both.#except its realistically not possible since they've both seen me cry now (she saw it like a hundred times lol)#so ive lost the hot and mysterious card alas. no uni professors romance for me
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Everytime I try to read shoujo romance I just can't take it seriously
#bleh#stuff like nana is the exception#and i count comedy like skip beat as seperate even tho the romance there still fucks me off sometimes#but idk what it is#maybe bc im an adult in a long term serious relationship#or ive never been one to take mens bullshit#but girls if youre in some stupid love triangle or situationship where the guy keeps “accidentally” making moves#but pretends it was nothing or refuses to elaborate#like girl leave#i dont have time for that shit. like are we fucking or not???#or if i reject you but you keep tabs on me and my crush? bitch grow up and let me go why do you care who im fucking#HAHAH idk people will say dont take it so seriously but i just cant lmao im not the target audience anymore#like i said nana is more my speed#neighbourhood story is also really good#damn maybe ai yazawa is just queen#also my fave manga and shojo of all time is high school debut#but again like skip beat its more of a comedy#so the serious moments hit way harder
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kamikaze girls 2004 has fr bewitched me its like what if bottoms 2023 was also doing kung fu hustle. what if iconic duos such as the nanas from nana or bill and ted just kinda sucked a bit. what if we all got run over by a cabbage truck but like its fine we're fine haha we're fine
#like im ready to watch it again in less than 24 hours it was so good#they dont do COMEDY like that anymore#kamikaze girls#finding out that the lolita fashion house was real had me like OH JUST LIKE NANA FR.......EXCEPT SHE SUCKS A BIT#i mean that with affection
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got out of a longterm relationship and immediately started having a flirty silly hookup situation with one of my friends who is abt to leave the country … my decisions boggle the mind
#i never talk abt my personal life on here anymore which is so funny cause …. i used to do that non stop and now im a Mystery#i still live with said ex who is moving with me to another city cause i feel bad if i don’t like let her move w me#also like we are friends it’s just A Situation and we also have a cat tg and he’s the loml#how many lesbian stereotypes can u fit in one girl ….. the answer may shock you!#emmyposts#a little bit afraid that i’m a bad person and a bit afraid cause i don’t feel much about anything right now except the need to Dissect#also started new medication <3 finally .
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Queens Quest being dead is insane to me, generally if you’d have told 2021 me the current state of Stardom id have killed u
#thats not a judgement of stardoms current quality#cant judge that cause im only observing news rn and not watching any wrestling fr#im just still not over ddm disbanding; several of the girls leaving for marigold; club venus being killed and weirdly remade;#slk being kicked out of OT cause shes too popular?; now qq dying#oh not to forget og cosmic angels not existing anymore except for tam#the factions feel the least solid theyve ever been to me#like im connecting with nothing really#percht.txt
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*2015 voice* i wish i had the chillness instead i got the mental illness
#evidence of life#tw for mental illnesses major distress illness symptoms that aren’t romanticized (lawl) suicide ableism i guess?#idk just a massive tw for what i’ve said in the notes / don’t read if descriptions of mental illnesses bother you etc#////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////#i literally had to mix rubbing alcohol into my body wash then put it all over my body except my hair to stop myself from committing suicide#i’m so serious if there’s one thing i don’t say with my convoluted levels irony it’s suicide whenever i say kms im 100% serious#suicide is literally a constant ideation for me and i just can’t teehee about it ever i think it’s because it is one of the few ways i feel#that i can take total control full autonomy#anyways isn’t crazy traumatic things will happen and we have to just keep going like im literally on tumblr after [redacted]…#also why is my psychosis so obsessed with break ins these days when i was doing my rubbing alcohol scrub it did the break in scenario#like miss girl literally nobody want us that bad take a seat…#anyways this day started out okayish and now it’s literally *burning building in the background*#i wanna try to at least make it possibly kind of better by going to watch the sunset but no promises kinda itching for more rubbing alcohol#anyways slayyyy respectfully i hope this scares off…who it usually does…#like bro i am not a manic pixie dream girl i am not a smol bean with anxiety not a depressed gloomy muse etc#i am [as described by men who thought that i was just another goth bitch with daddy issues that knew all the right moves to make me into#whatever they needed me to be and or thought i was being hyperbolic when i say i am insane in the head and the pussy (as above so below)]#‘crazy crazy’ ‘fucked up’ ‘not worth it [because i am crazy for real]’ ‘[in need for a dude who one course in psychology and thinks that and#his dick are enough to ‘cure me’ ‘weird’ ‘freak’ ‘looney’ (kinda love that one like so true) etc (bc i don’t want to talk abt this anymore)#edit: my temporary icon bothering more than it should rn ughhh bad end all around goodness
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if you ever want to get over a boy think ab him laughing ab u to his friends
#its such an ick like ugh bruh#its not even sad atp its just like. grow up. grow a pair or whatever ykwim#ik my recent one wouldnt but thinking ab him doing that makes me so grossed out that i genuinely dont like him anymore#like sorry i liked you cs u were cute. dont need to shittalk me ykwim#mb this stuff happened in middle school so im highkey coping but its helping me soo#im literally making a face w my eye twitching whenever i imagine someone i was nice to talking ab me. like gross bruh what#i only talk down ab ppl who've done bad to me and even then its just their actions. like not them themselves ykwim#except this one girl but i think i can be allowed an exception every now and then#laughing ab someone trying is so fucking gross im actually gagging#godbless im over this boy now#post#erics tag#delete later
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every morning I'm like wow.. birdsong and sunshine.....hm.. u know what. maybe there is hope in the world. and everything will be ok :3 and every evening I'm like I Hope A Meteorite Crashes Through My Window While I Sleep Hitting Me On The Head And Killing Me Instantly. and I switch between these multiple times throughout the day and alsosometimes they happen the other way round and theres no sense or reason or order or pattern just the labyrinth forever. yeah I'm good why do u ask
#girls will play videogames to chill out and then 10 minutes later will be hysterically crying in the bathroom brushing their teeth#i dont know whats wrong with me anymore i give up trying to figure it out. thats a lie i wish i could give up but my brain will never-#exit the ouroboros spiral of trying to figure it out bc SOMEone broke the switch for reptile brain pattern seeking activation#i dont even know how i feel right now im either fine or im going to start sobbing again#does anyone know when this ends its not fun anymore and i need to go to sleep :-(#vent post one million and one.......... im fine guys i just like to fantasise that someone i care about reads these and thinks yikes!#and doesnt even acknowledge it irl or do anything except put on performative sympathy when talking abt me to other ppl#bc theres nothing anyone can do and at its not their problem and thats ok i dont begrudge them for it ill keep ventposting forever anyway#but at least maybe a real person HAS read it. so how i feel does actually exist in a witnessable form somewhere. anyway goodnight#dont send me asks this is a VENT POST sorry and thank you okay bye#.vent
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me six months ago when my therapist of 2 years said a schizoaffective diagnosis would be more appropriate than a bipolar diagnosis:
me currently, as i experience gradually worsening psychotic episodes without any mood shifts:
#the kicker is that. the first ever therapist i had back in 2019 theorized i was schizophrenic#like she . said . hey girl. i think youre schizo or bipolar#& back then we all thought it was the pot i was smokin#so it was diagnosed as bipolar ii#2020 rolls around & Oh Boy . get hospitalized in early jan 2021#bipolar i with psychotic features <- new diagnosis#but again . we thought it was the pot i was smoking#quit the pot . i start seein my then therapist#shes great i stick with her for 2 years . dont have any drastic mood shifts except depression#no mania . she thinks the depression is enviornmental based (turns out to be true)#however . she notices that . the Anxious Thought Patterns are . well . ocd#which is what the hospital staff had said#however . she also began to see that . they were psychotic#so . she told me toward the end that schizoaffective would be more fitting#well . im out of the bad enviornment i dont smoke pot anymore and yet . i am still losing my mind#she may have been . correct
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it's been almost a week since i stopped talking to my friends over text in our gc, and it has been way better. no more will i have to feel rejection multiple times a day, or feel like i will never be good enough for anyone to even listen to for a second
#personal#well not rlly friends#ill call them my school friends lol#seriously tho fuck people that call you their friends then treat you like a burden for daring to talk to them#im not wasting anymore energy on people who refuse to meet the bare minimum#its rlly not that hard to care about people#except maybe if you lack empathy which they seem to#im done feeling like a loser by the people who are supposed to lift me up#ive done that way too many times in my life#thx mom for setting me up for failure#but theyre shady as hell fr like wtf#ive never met a stranger group of people#theyre so obsessed with upholding this weird social hierarchy#and im like girl its just us calm down#mostly just one of them i got the most beef with#shes actually an asshole fr#like frfr#theyre all rude anyway
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have my first wedding dress fitting today and therapy tomorrow and i couldn't tell you which i'm dreading more
#I'm already Sad and tonight is gonna be a mess of like#feeling bad bc I'll be alone bc Kelsey's at work and i dont have friends other than work friends#they're like 'please limit your party to 5-6!'#im not close to my older sister and my mom's dead#its my grandma's dress and she's doing...okay but definitely declining#so I'm just gonna be some hairy lesbian with acne by herself in this bridal shop for like.......... conventionally attractive Girly Girls#plus ive put on weight recently and i'm still Adjusting to not being a skinny 22yrold anymore lmao#and trying on/seeing myself in dress clothing has always been an awful trigger for me#like looking at myself in anything other than a tshirt and jeans just makes my skin crawl i look so ugly#i also don't know like.......... anything about weddings or wedding dresses or tailors#and i don't have anyone to ask#except reddit lmao#anyway IDK i guess the therapy will be much needed after this LMAO
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you know what it is. i talk about how vain he is and how he only talks about himself and that is the impression a lot of people have of him and it is the impression i favor leaning towards. he has a very coded way of self-disclosure; he often seems like he's trying to impress people but i know him to be not-the-most-assured in a lot of ways. when i first complimented him on his poetry and told him how much i liked a few pieces (and i loved some of what i read before i knew his last name, so when i read his poetry i did not assume the person whose poetry i so loved was, well, that retired male model i met in passing every now and then). when i told him that. he was very moved by it.
and i do talk about how vain he is; i do say he only talks about himself; but every now and then when he does say something about me it is not at all hidden that he does admire me. some of what he says that seems to coded to impress me or to get my validation, i know he is doing this towards me because he thinks im this smart poetry girl. and i am? i am that, he's not wrong. i think it makes me feel hopeless to think that he really does respect me and care what i think of him because i'd rather he didn't. i'd rather him be this charming but shallow pretty boy which i think he has been seen as by a lot of people throughout his life. despite that he is hardworking, despite that he has (or at least tries very hard to have) an intellectual side. perhaps what he says about himself is so often coded to please me even while it is fishing for my attention, and i want to see that as a reflection of his own self-regard but i don't know that it is.
i don't know that it's not, but i don't know that it is either and as neither of us is very frequently vulnerable with the other, it's not fair for me to say which is the case. or even that there's a "which" like it can't be both. i don't know that he admires me; i don't know that he sees me as this girl who is (or at least used to be) very charmed by him. i do know that he always comes to me and asks me about poetry because as far as he's told me, i'm the only one who has ever cared about his. for all i know that could also be bullshit, but then why should i assume it is either? i'm quite unfair to him in my assessments of him. i do have to admit, he has never actually seemed to have a disrespectful or unfair assessment of me.
#he told me today i was 'exquisite' basically#i think sometimes he's very shocked by my general lack of ambitions. while i do have all this artistic knowledge#i'm like some sort of poetry guru to him. which does make me laugh a little#his estimation of me is overstated.#im a fairy to him! a strange creature he doesnt understand#like how rochester used to call jane eyre a fairy. except we're both pretty good-looking#tales from diana#i dont call myself good-looking often either but i know other people see me as that. so. it is what it is#thats another piece of the puzzle is back in 2020 during quarantine he was... well he still is#but he WAS initially very flirty w me and sort of asked me out 'if we ever get out of this' (quarantine)#whether he sees me as some pretty smart girl who's 8 years younger than him. well.#thats probably exactly what he sees me as#although im not pretty enough or smart enough. or hell even young enough anymore#god we're both old now.#i do promise you reader i won't marry him
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im so disappointed we are getting another MCU
Mando Cinematic Universe
please stop. tell localized and confined stories. NO ONE WANTS OR CARES ABOUT INTERCONNECTED UNIVERSES IN THAT MANNER anymore.
i seriously wish theyd entirely reboot disney star wars
#only andor and mando season 1 and 2 have been exceptions for whats enjoyable AND quality#i have to give props to my girl deborah chow too for that absolutely breathtaking vader/obi showdown#i was excited about ahsoka but im not anymore bc of this mcu BS#just tell me a 3 season story about her#GIVE ME AN ANDOR STYLE HEIR TO THE EMPIRE WITH LUKE HAN AND LEIA#i used to think ppl were being dramatic when theyd say disney killed star wars but i really see it now with the new mcu
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#my dad made it painfully fucking clear that he hated me from the age of like 12-14#and he always blamed it on my age#yk 'teenage girls are sooo difficult to raise'#and it took a handful of really big arguments#and countless smaller ones#for him to decide that hey maybe i actually want to have a decent relationship with my daughter#and acts like ive grown as a oerson and all our arguments before were all my fault#but now ive changed and we dont butt heads as much anymore#even though i havent really changed much at all#i just decided that my mental health was more important to me than the man who said to my face that he wishes i was never born#i changed nothing#i just decided to just say ok fine whatever you can be right if that makes you feel better#and move on#and i thought i was done with the constant arguing every fucking day#i mean we still dont gt along that well all the time but i thought i would at least be able to fucking breathe#except now my brother at that age#where hes constantly arguing with my dad#its an everyday thing#and its just been getting worse#and idk i guess im a really emotional person so anytime my dad so much as raises his voice#at literally anyone#im a fucking mess#i guess the difference between me and my brother#my brother wont cry in front in front of our dad#and he'll just let him say whatever he wants he wont protest or anything#he just says ok#but i always cry when my dad yells at me#and i also always yell back#idk which is more draining though. idk im just a mess im so tired#i thought i was done but now its gonna be like this till i move out.
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