#maybe tmi but my parent's don't go here so

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for going off on my boyfriend for going in the wrong hole?

Sorry for something so obviously NSFW and TMI, but I don't really feel comfortable asking anyone I know IRL because I don't want it getting back to my friends and family who don't know I'm sexually active. (yes I'm an adult and it's perfectly legal but my entire community is very religious)

I (F19) have been courting a guy we'll call Alex (M22) for about a year now. Alex is a really nice guy and has always been respectful of my boundaries. I'm kind of soft spoken and he advocates for me harder than I do. If one of our friends interrupts or speaks over me he'll stop them and say "I'm sorry, but she was talking and we should let her finish." He's even defended me like that to my parents a few times. He also gives me rides to and from all my classes, and is always so attentive to me. He is so open with his feelings and communicates with me openly and freely, so much that he has made me a more open person as well. I genuinely feel like he brings out the best of me, and he says I do the same for him.

I say all this to emphasize that is absolutely the only aspect of our lives I've ever had a problem with him with. I told Alex pretty early in our relationship that I wasn't a virgin (a very bad thing in our community), and I understood if that was a deal breaker for him. He said it absolutely wasn't, that he still liked me and still wanted to court me. That he would keep that a secret for me no matter how our courting ended, either in break up or marriage. And that there was absolutely no pressure to ever have sex with him if I didn't want to.

I was also the one who told him I wanted us to be sexual before marriage and he agreed. The first time we did it he asked how I felt about anal, and I said it was a hard no go for me. He just said "okay" and never brought it up again.

But a couple of weeks ago we were doing it and Alex was behind me and suddenly it went from V to A. I screamed because I was surprised and it hurt a lot, and he immediately stopped and started apologizing profusely. He seemed so upset by it I ended up being the one comforting him and telling him it was okay, but obviously the mood was killed so we just stopped. But then a week later it happened again the exact same way. And again he seemed so upset by it and it immediately killed the mood.

Alex has tried initiating a few times since then but I really don't want to have sex with him if this is going to keep happening. He said he feels hurt that I cringe away from his touch like he's a monster, and I snapped back that he should quit hurting me like one then. That once I could understand but he did it twice and I would be stupid to trust him not to do it again. He looked really hurt by that and said it was just a mistake, that it happens a lot to everyone. I said it never happened with me and my previous boyfriend. He said that's just because we got lucky, that he has had more sex than me and he knows this sort of mistake happens all the time.

Then he said he could tell I was still in the feelings stage about this and not ready to work it out, so he would wait as long as it takes for me to come around and talk to him. Because he loves me and doesn't want this small disagreement to hurt us. That made me feel really small. Like I was a kid being scolded by a parent. Now I'm kind of feeling like maybe he's right? He does know more about sex than I do, and both times it happened he immediately stopped and we didn't get to finish having sex, so I have a hard time believing he enjoyed doing it?

So I'm here to ask tumblr, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[transmasc-advice-blog]

Bathroom Problems

Sorry I just realized after writing this is super tmi but I just really need advice

Help. I'm transmasc but I haven't really started using men's bathrooms yet because I don't pass and I'm honestly kind of scared. However, there are a few things that I think will change that: I'm starting testosterone soon, and I want to buy an stp/packer. So the testosterone I think will probably make me look masculine enough that I can't use the women's restroom anymore without scaring people, and the stp will allow me to use the men's room. But like there are still problems with that. For one thing, they're super expensive! I've been looking on the transguy supply website, and I found one that I like, but it costs 50 dollars, and it also doesn't look like it will fit in the harness (made by the same company, sold separately on the website). I found another one that's small enough for me to pack with (I'm short so I really don't want anything big, I literally pack with a single pair of socks) and that would work with that harness, but it's $75. They have one for $15, but it says in the description that it's not good for packing. Also, I don't particularly want balls. Which is a problem because nearly all of them have balls. The $50 one doesn't, and I like the look of it, but like I said I don't think it will fit to wear it, just based on its shape. There's one on the site that has all the attributes I want (small, discreet, skin tone, no balls, would work as a packer), but it's over $100 and there is no way I'd ever be able to afford it. So I'm probably going to end up with one that doesn't fit the aesthetics I want. Which is fine, but I just really need to find one that's more affordable. Between the packer I want, the harness, and the underwear, it could easily add up to at least $150. I can't ask my parents for help because the first time I brought up packing my mom said she wouldn't buy me one because it "feels like a sex thing" and it makes her uncomfortable. So like if anyone knows where I can buy a cheaper one, that would be much appreciated.

Also, once I get the stp, I still don't know how confident I'll be using it in men's bathrooms. Would it be weird if I went in the stall to pee, at least at first? Do people do that? Would it be wrong for me to use the disabled accessible stall when it's the only stall?

Also, I don't know what to do about people who know me. I'm out as nonbinary, but given the way I dress most people assume I'm a girl, and I think people would get uncomfortable with me suddenly switching bathrooms, especially if I started using the urinals. Plus I occasionally wear dresses, so what bathroom am I supposed to use when I'm wearing a dress and have facial hair? Like that's how I want to look, that's what makes me feel like me, but I feel like that's also what would get me assaulted in a bathroom. I guess I'm starting to realize how my transfem friends feel :/

Sorry for the long ask, if you or anyone has any advice that would really help. Thank you

-🚹🚽🍌💵 (emojis so I can find this later)

Lot to unpack here! I don’t have much experience with STPs but i’ll try my best to help :)

First off, you know those STPs that don’t look realistic? (linked one is for $12) they might not be ideal, maybe don’t use it if the urinals are crowded, but it’ll work just fine if it’s just a few people in there! no one’s looking at you. you could keep it in a bag or a nice big pocket, discreetly whip it out to pee, have a lil plastic baggy to put it back into maybe once you’re out of the bathroom… i’m not sure exactly how that one works but i’m sure you’d figure it out eventually. i also found this one and watch the ad! the woman in the video keeps it in her pants and just. pops it out. it can stay in your pants! perfect. $18.

Next thing, can a friend help you out with cost at all? Maybe a sibling? Also, once you get the STP, you probably know this but just making sure. do NOT immediately, right away after getting it, go out in public and use it. you’ve gotta practice at home first. until you’ve got the hang of it.

Nextttt, no it is not weird at all for you to use a stall. I do that all the time. The bathroom might be busy, with all the stalls in use. super awkward waiting there as the urinals free up. but that’s the only problem i can really think of? i just go super fast. in and out. no time for anyone in there to see my face. i’ve never had any problems. a few times i’ve had to go to the women’s. wasn’t great but it was all ok! for the disabled stall thing, id say use it, just be fast.

Onwards, you can let your friends and family know “i’m ready to start using the men’s restroom now so that’s what i’ll be doing just a heads up”. it’s just a bathroom, right? just a place to pee, why should anyone care? for the wearing a dress thing, make sure you’re in a safe area. you might get strange looks, ignore them. if someone tries to talk to you, go into a stall or leave. or, on days when you wear a dress, you could strictly go to places with gender neutral bathrooms. there are apps that can help you find which places have them. i think one of them is bathroom refuge? not sure.

congrats on starting T! good luck, i hope this helps, i am sick rn so this might be nonsensical

[kaisacobra]

Thank you for saying that it really means a lot, I actually used to write fan-fiction a couple years back and I’ve recently tried to start again but I’m very critical of what I write and how I write it so I’m incapable of producing a single chapter.

Keep it mysterious, I’ll be eagerly awaiting whatever you gift us ✨

Now that you mention it, yes I completely understand what you mean about R not being able to be extremely cold to Tara. R seems like the type of person who’d be hurt and disappointed, someone who wouldn’t necessarily be cold to Tara but would definitely hide from her. For R I’d imagine it’d be an internal battle of what she wants versus what she deserves, we already get a feel for that in the first chapter but it was easier for her to choose what she wants- which is to provide whatever comfort and happiness Tara wants because she loves her so much over what she deserves- someone who cares about her in a consistent manner and not only when it’s convenient (boo Tara😡). After Tara’s outburst I think R would have to force herself in every way possible to really process that she can’t put Tara’s needs above her own anymore, as much as she loves Tara doing that would reinforce the notion that everything Tara said is true. We know she always runs back but now that’s she’s been ridiculed for it she can’t.

The way she’s always there for Tara makes me wonder about her background. Maybe this is TMI, but I personally have experienced many relationships like this in the past. My father abandoned my sister and I at a very young age, so part of the reason I would always be there for them and never left first even when I should’ve but wouldn’t- was because I never wanted them to feel as unloved and unworthy as I did when my father left me. By the time I was a teenager I’d already forgiven him for all the abuse my family endured because of him, in my heart nobody could ever hurt me the way he hurt me- so I’d forgive them even though the people around me would expressively tell me not to, you know? But im older now and I stand my ground, i can leave when if its what’s best for me and not get too caught up in what’s best for them.

I’m from California by the way! It’s 10:30PM right now, you’re from Brazil though? That’s so cool! Did you grow up there? My parents were born in Mexico but they moved to USA in the late 1980’s, I wanna move to Mexico and live there for a couple years because my mother loves and talks about her hometown so much, the idea of seeing where she grew up in person and picturing her as a little girl warms my heart.

- ☘️ (I’m gonna use this as my anon tag from now on)

I feel like everyone is gonna be critical when it comes to their own stuff, like, I'm not kidding when I said i thought second best wasn't that good, specially because I used to be an essay tutor/monitor at school and my writing had to be more than perfect. Just remember that usually you're gonna be more critical of your work than other people and it doesn't mean that what you write is actually bad.

I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm glad that you can stand your ground now!💪 I know this will sound oddly ironic but all the background information I have on R is about... Tara. In my head, R is divided by past (beginning of friendship, woodsboro), present (the current mess) and future (what's gonna happen) so, in a way, maybe her life is all about Tara😔

I don't think R's family are gonna make an appearance so I'll leave it up for you guys to hc whatever you want as R's reason for being so attached to Tara.

California seems so nice! And yeah, i grew up here and i wouldn't have it any other way🤭 Maybe this happens to everyone in their own home country but i just love my culture and history so much, I can't imagine living anywhere else.

Mexico sounds super cool! I've been wanting to go there, specially in 2026 because of the world cup (really wanted to see it live) but i dont think it's gonna happen😔 Either way it's a beautiful country i wanna visit someday and i definitely have to start improving my spanish.

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

Autobiography

Dear Future Husband,

I recently reconnected with a friend from middle/high school. We got to schmoozing over text and last week I went to her place to hang out and chat for a while.

She's currently going through a lot and there were certain things we were able to relate to each other about.

While we were schmoozing I found myself saying "ok, yeah, so let me tell you _____ but it's a whole story" and after a while I was like "I'm so sorry everything is such a long story!" and she said "no, it's great! you should totally write a book! I'm hooked!"

The thing is, I've actually tried. I've started multiple autobiographies and it's so hard for me to focus my story because there's so many outlandish things that have happened, especially things that were supposed to be simple like getting my ears pierced as a kid turned into a whole ordeal, and I just haven't been able to keep it on track.

But maybe it just needs to be vignettes. Chapters kind of like these posts are.

Except that even here I feel like there's not enough backstory and I have to backtrack constantly...

I don't know.

Maybe it's just not worth it.

Who would read it, anyway? Literally one friend? lol

Most of the time I write just to get things out.

I have this belief that "a diary is for oneself, an autobiography is for others", which is to say that there has to be a takeaway from one's story for it to be worth writing it into a book.

But I don't know what the takeaway from my story is.

That I suck at everything? That God likes to create little punching bags, one of which is named LivelyHeart? Don't judge a book by it's cover?

I literally don't know what anyone can takeaway from my life except that maybe someone out there can relate and feel less lonely because they've been through crap too. But that's why blog sites exist in general, no? People share TMI on social media too.

So if it's not a book to learn something from or for entertainment, what is it for....?

On a sidenote, Meaningful Minute just posted this podcast with a young woman who was born with a disability called TAR, so a bunch of her limbs are wrongly proportioned and she has basically no arms and I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of the support system she had and still has today.

I'm jealous of how the schools she attended bent over backwards to accomodate her disability.

I'm jealous of her emunah and strength.

Because I had "hidden" disabilities. And everyone couldn't care less about my struggles.

She said she never experienced bullying in her childhood.

I did.

She had friends in and out of school.

I didn't.

She had/has parents who are such strong advocates for her.

I don't.

She understands she may never get married but she still has hope that the right guy is out there for her.

I barely do.

She says Hashem is her best friend.

Well, He's not mine.

And it's insane to me that I should feel any kind of jealousy for someone who has the struggles she does.

She told that mashal of if everyone put their problems in a big bowl and got to pull out someone else's to try on for size, they'd always want their own back.

Yeah, I don't know if that's true. I think mine feel familiar because I've lived with them so long, but there are people who don't live with the kind of dysfunction I have and I would much rather struggle with something else than walking on eggshells around the people who are supposed to love and support me unconditionally.

Because everything comes with conditions. And I'm so sick of it.

I saw another video recently where this girl who used to be in Hollywood and had a short-lived music career before ending up with a serious drinking and drug problem described some of her struggles and how her sobriety is going, and she said the one thing that saved her was a friend who was her unconditional support system. Because every time she failed and ended up on substances again, her friend was there to pick her up and say "no, we're doing this again, and we're going to get you clean."

I don't have that in my life.

I'm addicted to despair and nobody can pull me out of it.

And it's so damn hard to do alone.

So if I wrote my story, wouldn't it just depress people? Wouldn't it just make them feel bad about their lives too? Focusing so much on negativity just invites more negativity, doesn't it?

I don't know.

I just hope at some point God decides I'm worthy of feeling love and support in my life.

It would be really nice to experience that for the first time.

It would be really nice to experience you.

-LivelyHeart

[nu11lar]

𝓡ULES + 𝓖UIDELINES made by: embla

here are some quick expectations & some boundaries that i would like for u guys to follow! pls read this before diving deeper into my account, unless you're new here!

. . ¹¹¹ 𝓑EFORE YOU FOLLOW . . . you must be aware that his blog will contain nsfw and slight dark content, which means most of my one shots/drabbles/thirsts include explicit porn. i would suggest that blank, ageless, & minors plsplspls do not interact with these sort of things. they're not for the eyes of children. if you don't respect this you would most likely be blocked, one chance only.

. . ²²² 𝓓O NOT INTERACT W/ ME . . . if you're anyone that fits under the dni criteria. any forms of "-ism", fatphobes, islamophobic, homophobes, pedophiles, loli-cons, discord mods, porn bots, rude people, obnoxious people, spam likers, minors under the age of 16, people who support israel, etc.

. . ³³³ 𝓡EQUEST PROCEDURES . . . honestly, i really don't mind people sending me requests because my inbox is dry af. u guys can talk to me whenever you want, tell me what u have to say (idc if it's tmi, i will not judge you). please be patient with me once u send me a request, it will take some time bc i'm a huge procrastinator and i lack motivation most of the time. i will sincerely apologize if i don't finish it in time, i'm a human too, i have real life things to attend to aswell. do not vent to my inbox, if there are any issues or need someone to talk to, i got you, but please dm me privately and we can talk it out there & have our little therapy sessions privately :)

do not send me a request that includes the things that i don't write, i will most likely delete it or porbably ignore it. unnecessary hate + any mentions of discourse will also be deleted or ignored, this is a safe space for everyone and positivity will always stay in here. no negativity allowed in here bc that's just a waste of time for u and me (it's a mood killer </3). u can spam my inbox if you'd like, my notifs are silenced so i will not be bothered by it (but if u spam with hate then that's a diff story). talk to me abt ur hyperfixiations, let's thirst together babes <3.

++ and also, please do not spam like! i do not want tumblr thinking that i'm a bot bc i'm not! i'm just a girl ><

. . ⁴⁴⁴ 𝓞THER INFORMATION 4 YOU . . . english is not my first language, so there will be grammar errors & spelling mistakes. if you notice any of these pls feel free to tell me, but only say it nicely (i'm a very sensitive person).

for now, minors are only allowed to read my sfw pieces. i might make a sfw masterlist which will include very heartwarming stuff for all of you guys, i don't mind if a person who is 16+ interacts with me in the inbox. just please, don't interact with explicit stuff in my blog (it makes me uncomfortable thinking how kids might've read my nsfw pieces). i know, i know, most people in their young ages have watched porn or might've tried watching porn on youtube but really, i don't want kids getting involved in reading these sort of things (like come back when you actually grown up). i'm not your parent.

the reader in this blog does not have any specific ethnicity or any other facial features, but their body types would most likely include a pudge of tummy & thick thighs (but anyone is free to read!). the reader will go to your imagination becase it's you! the only subtle changes that i will make is probably the clothing style and few accessories (ex. piercings, tattoos, glasses, etc.). the reader will most likely be hyperfeminine and dressed up all pretty & pink! if that isn't ur cup of tea then imagine yourself wearing smth else.

. . ⁵⁵⁵ 𝓨ES IN WRITING . . . bdsm but not too heavy, spanking, choking kink, corruption kink, breeding kink, tummy bulging, throat bulging, hate sex, secret affairs, cheating, a little bit of toxic relationships, creampie, breeding, hairpulling, overstimulation, edging, maybe a bit of dom! reader, female char x fem! reader, cervix fucking, sex toy usage, ice play, degradation, friends w/ benefits, pet play (?), double penetration, sweet and passionate sex, masturbating, hybrid! fem reader, voyeurism, exhibitionism, somnophillia, dacryphilia, pubilc sex, japanese rope bondage (shibari), lactation kink, pregnant sex, brat taming, food play, tounge fucking, agoraphilia, more things will be included in the future . . .

. . ⁶⁶⁶ 𝓝O IN WRITING . . . heavy gore, rape, aging up underage characters, any type of water sports, self harm, foot fetish, piss kinks, misogyny, heavy age gap (reader will be 18 and up !), any other nasty shit, incest/stepcest, scat, vomit, romaticising any types of disorders (ex. eating disorders, anorexia, etc.), any mentions of abuse, sexual assault/harassment, grooming, knife/gun play (shit terrifies me), cherry chasing, period sex, more things will be included in the future . . .

[chromorbid]

venting, cw for medical + TMI + menses-related bs

I always felt lucky that I didn't have the same problems as other people with PCOS. my periods were normal except when they weren't. The pain only lasted a couple days or so. the amount of time I spent bleeding was average, even though it was a lot. but I couldn't function in my daily life, and every time I had my period was like I was taking so many steps backwards in my mental health recovery. I didn't want to have more cysts develop and burst either, rendering me unable to function for weeks. I needed it to end.

cue the magic of the minipill. sure my acne got way worse, but at least I wasn't bleeding anymore. at least I wasn't in pain anymore. I even managed to achieve a somewhat more normal body weight, when I always had trouble getting above 100 before. thank fucking god for planned parenthood California, who gave me a years supply for free every checkup without insurance. there was some trial and error with other medications afterwards, and I had to keep track of what triggered my period when I wasn't supposed to be having it. quack doctors who didn't know what they were prescribing, usually. sometimes stress triggers it. sometimes drinking alcohol triggers it. the wrong dairy product. wheat.

I moved to Texas and didn't have a refill ready--the local PP prescribed a different brand, and it cost $112 for six months' worth. it didn't do its job like the other one, but they didn't have my original brand. I found that the one I used to take could be acquired through the PP Direct app, but it's $75 for 3 months' worth. so I've been taking that.

I had a lifestyle change when I moved out of my parents' place. I'm asexual, but still have a sex drive and bought some celebratory sex toys (and have friends who are cool and gifted me stuff too). it turns out that when I use them regularly--you know, that way many people with vaginas do?--that apparently is enough to trigger my period.

I expected that it would probably be the way my period usually is while on this medication: light and spotty, maybe a little bit of cramping here and there. but for the second month, that apparently is not the case. I've never had this much period pain in my LIFE. it can only be compared to my first cyst burst in 2011. I thought I had appendicitis, and if that was the case I probably would have died from it because I sat in urgent care for two and a half fucking hours in agony. the pain eventually went down while there and I learned the appointment alone without insurance was going to cost $180 we didn't have. I gave up and left, gambling with my own life. fortunately all it did was leave me unable to walk for two weeks. I didn't get Actual Appendicitis until 2020. so now I know for sure that what's happening now isn't that.

so. this fucking sucks. I've been in pain for an entire week. I haven't had this much fresh blood leave my body since before i started taking this pill 9 years ago. I'm pretty sure it's made me anemic again. and I cannot FUCKING function without three times the suggested dose of ibuprofen and a heating pad. and I cannot see a doctor until the New Year. I've had the pain hit me so badly I felt like I was gonna faint several times. there's a Christmas party everyone is attending soon tonight and I don't think I can even get up to dress myself.

it's like I'm being punished for getting more comfortable with my body. how is anybody supposed to have a sex life this way? would the other functions of the minipill fail if I was sexually active with other people? fucking Christ.

even though I live in Virginia now, I can't get an appointment with PP. they don't take my insurance. I don't know what to fucking do anymore.

edit oh yeah, I wonder how bad this would be if I WASN'T taking the minipill....... probably worse????? jfc.

[kimmimaru]

So, probably a bit TMI (mentions of mental health) for random internet strangers but oh well. I'm sticking it under a cut for people who don't care lol.

So, I've been having a...difficult time lately. I'll keep it simple and just say I'm struggling pretty bad with personal shit. Anyway, I was considering looking into counselling but the NHS no longer fund talking therapy, it's only CBT and stuff which is helpful but not what I need. So I'd have to pay through the nose. And even if I could afford it I've only been able to find 1 single person in my entire town who specialises in treating autistic people. There may be more but honestly I have no idea where to even begin looking. Also like there's loads of groups for older people and people with toddlers but nothing for parents of older kids, groups for the parents I mean. I struggle very badly with making friends and talking to people, I'm awkward as fuck and have no idea how to socialise. Unfortunately I'm not a child so don't have anywhere to go to meet people like me. It's hard to make friends when neurotypicals have an instinctual dislike of autistic people (ok not everyone but apparently they can identify people as 'weird' without even speaking to them and generally tend to avoid us). Sorry, I did say this was probably TMI, but I'm just so fucking lonely and so stressed I'm having heart palpitations. I'm not sleeping either and unfortunately I don't have anyone to actually talk to about it so this is why I'm posting this here. Its at least just getting it all off my chest, even if it's not a long term solution maybe it'll be enough to actually help me get some sleep tonight. My mum was the person I talked to about all this shit, the only one I felt I could actually confide in and she's gone. I have family but they're busy with their own lives and tbh...I never felt like they ever really got me. My dad's a very closed off man, not in a cold way, he was always affectionate but he and my mum got divorced a long time ago and since then I've never felt able to talk to him about deep stuff. I suppose it's something to do with broken trust and all that crap. My sisters are way too busy and have their own problems and lives and my only brother is a lot older than me and far away. They all love me and care about me, I have never doubted it but none of them are neurodivergent. They don't understand me really and never have (that's not a self pitying 'oh woe is me' it's just a fact). It's a very weird feeling to be surrounded by people who love you but knowing they just don't get you. I am extremely aware that people would kill to have what I do, a big, loving family and they try really hard to understand and help but sometimes you just need more weirdos like you who see the world the same way and have the same kind of issues you do. What I want is a day. Just one single fucking day where I can just do what I need to do around the house without just staring at it for hours before I work up the spoons to do it. I want one day where I can actually do something creative as I've lost my drive (probably temporary, depression usually has the opposite affect on me and I write MORE when I'm depressed for some reason). I want to play with my daughter without constantly worrying about if she'll eat something other than junk food (she's an extremely picky eater), or is she'll take a bath without a fight or if she'll actually drink something for a change (yes, we are in contact with doctors about all this, it's just an extremely slow process). I want to wake up and not be exhausted for a change, I want to not be in constant pain for no fucking reason (chronic fatigue...yay). I want to not spend my days unable to focus on anything, to not be constantly disassociating because my stupid brain can't cope with too much sensory input. I am exhausted, I'm grieving and I just want to be normal for a fucking change. Anyway, it's all a lot more complicated than what I've written and it's very unlikely this makes any sense at all. But I needed to write it down, to tell someone, somewhere just so I can stop obsessing over all these thoughts. Maybe now I can sleep.

[eldritch-spouse]

I don't know if you've already answered this type of question before, because it seems like a such an obvious thing to ask, but here I go.

What was your ''awakening'' to that you like monsters? Maybe some top 10 childhood cartoon crushes or something?

TW: A little bit of tmi about yours truly.

To this day, I can't pinpoint it. Honestly, I could write endless paragraphs about what I think started it, it's entirely unclear. I think it was a mix of everything honestly?

I've always liked horror, and as a kid I would beg my parents to watch horror movies that they thought would be too "extreme" for me. Like SAW, the slasher classics, the Alien and Predator franchises at some point. The type of cartoons I was into didn't help, since I'd spend hours watching The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy or Courage. I was surrounded by horror media since basically the start and I always seemed to find everything else a bit boring?

Unsupervised access to the Internet as a kid did not help at all. See, I got onto YouTube very quickly, and it was around that phase where everyone was obsessed with horror games like Amnesia, Slender the 8 pages, Fear, Gray, RPG maker games like IB and Mad Father. I quickly got into the Creepypasta scene, and I was exposed to nsfw content of that sort. Not by anyone in particular, I was just far too curious. I didn't really understand too much of sex at the time, but one thing was for sure- I would much rather stare at naked Slenderman than I would a human model. Never did I participate in these communities, but make no mistake, I saw everything.

There was a brief period of time where I thought I was a scalie, because I had a thing for Reptile from Mortal Kombat, and I also enjoyed dragons, especially nagas- So I thought that was it. That's what I was.

I think it only truly clicked in my brain when I began playing Alien Isolation and felt... Well, the game of cat and mouse with the xenomorph didn't really scare me, let's put it that way. I played that game way too much just to feel that thrill over and over. It really confused me that I didn't have a term to refer to this preference. I knew I was into non-humans, but I didn't know the terminology. Scalie didn't fit anymore because some of the characters I enjoyed weren't scaled or reptilian.

I have absolutely no idea when I became aware of the term "teratophilia" , but I remember a period of immense satisfaction and incredulity at finding people who basically thought like me.

Perhaps, the reason I can't pinpoint the moment I became a monsterlover was because I never really had a "normal" sexual awakening. My first awakening was with monsters, I'm pretty sure of that.

There's definitely something to be said about folks who don't socially fit in for a variety of reasons, and the love of monsters. Monsters can't judge you for your looks, monsters don't have the same expectations as the rest of society, monsters will accept you as you are because you love them for themselves. I, just like plenty of other people, leaned into that comfort heavily and used it to cope with crippling loneliness and self-image issues.

What I'm trying to get at is, I think the circumstances were just perfect for me to develop this fetish.

[ladyhindsight]

So I'll finally try to articulate some thoughts on TLH. The novellas to get to know about Alastair before ChoG are Nothing But Shadows (TFSA, James pov) and Cast Long Shadows (GOTSM, Matthew pov). NBS is focused on James's experience at the Academy and a significant part of it was being bullied by Alastair, and there Alastair is just basically Draco Malfoy bullying Harry Potter in the early books (thinking of canon HP, not whatever went on in fanon). Now, in CLS is where we have a flashback to when Alastair told Matthew the rumor about his parents. There is no mention of Alastair "spreading" the rumor besides telling Matthew about it, that was new information in ChoG. There are hints of a more nuanced perspective on Alastair, shown by Thomas, referencing that Alastair has some family problems and is most certainly envious of how they have loving fathers.

I think that was when I decided to like him, as it showed that his character would be at least a bit more deeper than a caricature of a mean boy at school.

Something I enjoy about Alastair is that at least in my opinion, the narrative/writing/etc doesn't REALLY try to tell you that you're wrong or right for liking or disliking him. Of course, there's the factor of him being insulted all the time, and I think this should have been done more organically, as half of it seems like the author didn't want people on social media saying she is a bullying apologist or what. There was some backlash from the people who wished him to stay a mean caricature, because how dare someone who hurt James and Matthew to not be written as an irredeemeble monster (same goes for Grace, really).

The way ChoG ends for Alastair wouldn't be a problem to me if that was something that could ever happen to one of the main characters. That thing you have been saying about TMI and TDA characters also fits TLH like a glove: nobody can ever call them out on anything and much less "win" an argument, they can't ever be the ones in the wrong.

Alastair was the one to "start" the beef between them, and that means that as the beef keeps going the main characters can do whatever they want and nobody thinks they're wrong and calls them out and make them feel like the "underdog" ever. I think the time Matthew (quoting the wiki) "promptly gave Christopher the ingredients he needed to blow up a wing of the Academy that Alastair was in" was a bit concerning, but I don't think the writing agrees. He was just being a funny silly guy. (This is told both in NBS and CLS I think)

One would think if that someone spreads rumors about your family, getting their room to explode would at least make you somehow even. We don't know much of what kind of damage the explosian really made, by the way, as this is not importart, as I said, Matthew was just being a funny silly guy. Which is the general attitude the series has for his character: he is being a funny silly guy/he is being an angsty silly guy. He is never really WRONG, you know. That drives me insane. It's TMI all over again but with many more people.

Alastair and Grace are the ones that can be wrong, like people usually are, and that made them much more interesting to me.

I haven't started on Charles, bruh, the writing of this character gets me climbing the walls with the absurdity.

- R

Alastair and Matthew mirror a lot of Gabriel and Will, but maybe their premise is a bit more nuanced than the latter ones’. Gabriel certainly wasn’t given the time of day Alastair in this story is, so it’s a progress, I guess. I really don’t have anything to add here. Everything you said was just perfect and my sentiments are the same.

Charles, though. A year back I received this message that pointed out that “his whole villanization is based on him not wanting to come out in the 1900s because he wants to have a good political career. so aparentely not being able to come out is his fault for having career dreams and not of the homophobic environment he lives in where being openly queer would damage his career. in london, 1903.”

Charles was written like Percy Weasley in Chain of Gold. His hopes and dreams for his future were a point of ridicule, and how he holds his mother and her position in great respect was another funny thing. Charles, what a try hard no one really respects. Ha ha. 😑 The object of the hatred these characters—Alastair, Charles, Grace—receive is misplaced, because it is their environment that plays a lot into their behavior and motives. With characters like James and Matthew it’s more reaction-based, how other characters behave towards them and around them because their environment has been stable and surrounded by trusty and safe adults (just how I see it, to put it simply, at the moment).

Of course, so it’s with Charles, but his goals in life are different from Matthew. Where I am at, Matthew doesn’t want to be a Clave official or hold office of any sort or be a public figure. I’ll probably get my answer once I read the next books, but I wonder if Charles’ homosexuality and Matthew’s bisexuality ever get addressed together, and I mean from the sense that Charles is in the closet and Matthew seemed rather open, or at least more open, about his bisexuality.

[love-advice-on-call]

Hi! This is like my first time asking any advice so sorry if this is a bit tmi or a weird ask 😬 So for religious reasons I'm not doing the do until after marriage. The problem here is, all the guys wont really date you unless your down to do smth with them ( which i'm not!!! ). I know i shouldn't really rush into a relationship cause i'm literally only 15 and their overrated and romanticized by the media anyways, but i'm an absolute hopeless romantic 😔 I just really wanna have a romance book typa relationship. I wanna send gm and gn texts w/ someone and be on ft with them for hours just talking or doing nothing and just basically have someone to obsess and rant over to your friends. But I don't want to have the superficial relationships that my friends/others have in my school.

Like majority of the guys in my school are racist, colourist, homophobic and are just mean people in general. I would NEVER wanna date a person who acts like that, let alone be friends with them! But it seems like everyone doesn't really care in a sense because they're cute/popular. I feel like the odd one out because everyone has been in a relationship or had a crush or like a fling and I haven't. I'm always left out of these conversations and just feel like i'm missing out on the high school experience! ( i'm literally finishing grade 10 in 2 weeks and haven't even talked to a guy romantically )

In a sense i feel like because of that ( and since i went to an all girls private school from gr 3-8 ) I tend to romanticize the smallest things a guy does or says to me which is such a big problem!!1! Like you crack a joke with me? In love. Pick me first in gym when making teams? Brb i'm writing our wedding invites. Even my cousins around my age were shocked when I said I haven't talked to a guy romantically before. Its even worse that I'm so shy around guys and just overly insecure considering I NEVER had any boys in my school. Everyone always calls me a grandma already because of the way I talk and act and now i'm really starting to believe it.

My parents are pretty strict about this kinda thing and my sisters are all older then me/are naturally extremely pretty so they didn't have to worry about being unlikeable ( people had crushes on them in high school AND they were in relationships ). I just feel really lost and unlikeable :(

Hi,

So I think waiting till marriage is a totally fine thing and waiting in general would be a good decision for a lot of folks, not just you. I didn't wait till marriage, but I did wait a long time for the right person and in my personal experience it made it significantly more fulfilling when comparing it to how almost all of friends lost their virginity during teen years. I really wish that more folks had the opportunity to wait.

Wanting to be in a relationship this badly I think is something MANY people your age feel and I think it is totally normal. This feeling you're feeling, doesn't really ever go away I think. It may come and go in intensity, but if you at this age feel like wanting to be in a relationship, then you can expect to buckle in for a lifetime of this being at the back of your thoughts.

"Like majority of the guys in my school are racist, colourist, homophobic and are just mean people in general." Unfortunately, this is just "Welcome to Teen Boyhood", most of these guys (God willing) will grow out of it, though I've met a lot of men who never emotionally/mentally went past age 16.

There are some dudes who are not terrible people at ~15, but usually those guys do not attract girls easily. Less popular guys definitely, but solid dudes at heart. It could be that maybe you are also just hanging around the wrong crowd? I doubt your whole school is like this and you should be able to find someone your age who shares your values. They wont be the perfect guy, no one is at 15 or really any age, but they'll be better. I know it is SUPER incredibly indescribably tough to shift social circles and meet people within your own school, but I suggest that you try to simply make more guy friends in general and look for the sweet spot of dudes that are decent guys. It will also help with your anxiety around boys and may help smooth you out so you're used to talking to them. Once you find a guy you like, then you can work on building up the courage to ask him out.

Maybe join clubs at school, look into after school programs (tutoring, co-ed sports, etc.), or check with your friends to see if they know anyone they can introduce you to. When I was in high school, some people would also just date guys from other schools because they weren't down with the ones who were immediately around them. They usually met through mutual friends or at non-school events.

Also, you telling me that you don't want to date guys because they want you to be down for something while your sisters were in relationships at your age. I mean, I feel like put two and two together. It's not JUST because your sisters are pretty 👀. But gossip aside, your parents can't be that strict if they let your sisters see guys or if your sisters found ways around not telling them. So I wouldn't worry about them too much. As a former teen, there are always ways to getting around parents.

All in all, I think it sounds like you do have a good head on your shoulders and you know what you want. Being a grandma isn't always a bad thing, it just means that you don't take BS from other people and you know what will make you happy. That's something that takes almost a life time of development and you've got that now at 15 so I've got confidence in you that you're going to be alright.

As a side note: I do appreciate you listing out how you romanticize the situations. It gave me a laugh and this is definitely one of my favorite asks I've gotten in a while. Talking to people about navigating teen dating is like one of the funnest topics period.

June 13, 2023

[4uru]

Being in the shadowhunters fandom is fucking wild,

bc i famously dont like cc and been here for 3 years now holy shit, some of the ppl here were here before i could even say goo goo gaga and shit,

so lemme explain my journey that nobody asked for✌️🤡

i have a strong hate for tmi, bc it traumatised me at the ripe age of twelve and book malec made my queer tween brain think i was a mistake and a stain on the universe for being a closeted bisexual.

The only character i cared about was simon and then cc made him cheat on the two most wonderful women. That didnt go well with my divorced parent having ass. Do i need to mention that it was around this time i came out to my parents during quarantine of 2020 june and promptly got shafted and traumatised. 🙃

I only read tmi bc my stepmother got me chog. And i read a 100 pages before i decided i needed context for this shit.

Anyway, I finished tmi, hated it, wanted to read tda, then went on to read tda, illegally, and got shafted when I found out I accidentally read summaries of the first two books. And not the books itself, got angry at me for being dumb and then went to read the 3rd book, finished it in a haze of rage and sleep and I barely remember what happened.

I tried to litsen to the audiobook of tid and after like 7 hours, the first part, i fell asleep. And lost patience to rewind the whole thing.

So i gave up and instead finished chog and then finished choi but i barely remember anything.

Last year around september i downloaded the whole tid triology to finish it, i made it to the point i left off last time, but got bored.

I got thru 7hours of ghost of shadow market on yt before it got deleted 👀

I skimmed Sobh bc the writing style there is fucking atrocious I do not know what happened, and I'm not sure if I want to know either. I maybe will read twp when I'm an old man with chronic back pain and way too much free time on my hands. So yeah. I will read Chot bc of Alastair Carstairs and Alastair Carstairs only.

Love some ppl in this fandom, but they don't know me yet. Did feel good during Alastair Carstair month when I was most active with my fics and drawings and I saw my fav blogs reblog my stuff. i had extreme fanboy moments .

I fill the void in my heart cc created by drawing her actually good and fleshed-out characters.

I loathe this woman for many thing and one of them is, creating this blasted universe which has so much potential; which would be so much better if someone who knows what they are doing got their hands on it.

I may or may not have 17361881367829 plot Lines that serve only one purpose, "have jace and clary not kiss when they believe they are siblings and sebastine doesn't have a raging hard on for them"

So I'm just a Bengali queer+trans teen with a hyper fixation. This fandom is my hell but I got comfortable. I come in and out, and each time watch it becomes just a little bit worse than before.

[aldilaaishwari-blog]

whatever - TMI updated

TMI TAG ∙ QUESTIONS: 1: What are you wearing? t-shirt, cardigans & trousers (fall & no heating)

2: Ever been in love? Duh!! (HAHA) Probably not

3: Ever had a terrible breakup? Hmm. Is there any good breakups tho?

Actually must be worse for my exes that are ghosted right after (sorry)

4: How tall are you? Around 1,6

Still the same

5: How much do you weigh? Last time I checked it was 52 kg. Maybe it’s less now since I am broke :p

HAHA add 10 kg to that

6: Any tattoos? Nope.

Yes! Small semicolon on my wrist

7: Any piercings? I have both of my ears pierced.

My nose, my side ear (orbital?)

8: OTP? I don’t have anyonr in mind. Maybe chandler and monica. Rachel and ross.

Had to google this first. Hmmm maybe still the same? Or Jim & Pam? Actually idk, no otp

9: Favorite show? Friends is my all time fave!

Ew no hahah. Ok ew is too strong. big bang?

10: Favorite bands? I can’t think of any now. How lame! I know

Still don't know

11: Something you miss? My lil sister, my parents, my friend in korea and in indonesia and of course my man who I get to see this weekend. Eek so excited!

Def not the same answer. My sister, yes. hmm idk?

12: Favorite song? Hard question! I can’t just mention one. I have too many!

Still too many. Now on repeat: loving you, first day of my life

13: How old are you? Err 25. I know I am old. Shut up!

HAHA 33 and feel much younger than my 25 self

14: Zodiac sign? I am a gemini girl!

Still same

15: Quality you look for in a partner? Hard worker, funny, confident

Idk? I am not looking

16: Favorite Quote? Be happy and a reason will come :) Always works!

Ooh I hope I can go back to this. But now I'm here for good time not long time lol

17: Favorite actor? Hmm also hard. Johnny depp is one of them.

idk?

18: Favorite color? Black, white

Still same I guess

19: Loud music or soft? Mostly loud.

BOTH

20: Where do you go when you’re sad? Go to my friends or just to my bed

Walking around, journaling

21: How long does it take you to shower? That differs everytime. Can be from 5 tik 20 mins

Still the same

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Normally i can get ready in 30 mins

haha def longer

23: Ever been in a physical fight? No and i am not planning to have one. Make love not war ;)

Still no yay

24: Turn on? 3 days beards!

hahahha not sure. but perhaps loong, meaningful conversation?

25: Turn off? Bad breath(ew)

People who are not in touch with their emotions, (typical) masculine energy haha

26: The reason I joined Youtube? Just to watch videos. Maybe too many videos

same

27: Fears? That I will dissapoint my parents

NOOOO. idk?

28: Last thing that made you cry? Intense talk with my bf T.T

HAHAHHA omg, still the same reason, same person

29: Last time you said you loved someone? I just did

Cant remember

30: Meaning behind your YouTube Name? It’s my real name

Same

31: Last book you read? Murakami book, but I didnt finish it. I will maybe in the future.

OMG still haven't finished it hahaha

32: The book you’re currently reading? None.

Same

33: Last show you watched? Ellen. Love her!!

EW no ellen. Hmmm? Dahmer?

34: Last person you talked to? My friend via skype

Firly

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? It’s my good friend

Same

36: Favorite food? All indonesian food. Oh and eggs! I can eat that every day err day!

Still the same

37: Place you want to visit? South korea!

Stil the same I guess

38: Last place you were? Hmmm my toilet(?)

Firly's place

39: Do you have a crush? I have lots of youtuber crush! Hihi

LOL no one

40: Last time you kissed someone? Don’t even remember! How sad.

OMG Aldila haha.

41: Last time you were insulted? I don’t know. I can’t be offended easily.

Still the same

42: Favorite flavor of sweet? Chocolate. Esp. Dark chocolate

Same

43: What instruments do you play?? I wish I had one.

lol same

44: Favorite piece of jewelry? Ring

yes

45: Last sport you played? Run. Last week. I normally run every week and pilates twice a week, but I just got my wisdom teeth removed so I can’t do any sports for a week.

HAHAHA cant rememeber

46: Last song you sang? I don’t know.

Soko - Take my heart

47: Favorite chat up line? I honestly don’t know any chat up line Haha

Gosh still same answer

48: Have you ever used it? Err no

49: Last time you hung out with anyone? Just now

Today's morning

50: Who should answer these questions next? Everyone who read til the end ;)

[tinyhockey]

Hi Cam! I hope you are doing well. This is your writer for the winter fic exchange.

I have a few questions in order to get this thing started.

I’m happy to write for ; Mat Barzal, Teuvo Teravainen, Andrei Svechnikov, Sebastian Aho, Anthony Beauvillier, Dougie Hamilton, Jesperi Kotkaniemi. Which one would make you happy? ☺️

Would you like a Christmas/winter theme fic or i can go with whatever I can come up with?

Is there anything special that you would like me to include? A special place, moment, or something you like?

I can’t wait to get this started for you ❤️

omg hi hello!!! happy to have you stop by! okay let me answer:

I literally love all of them so much omg. Barzy is obviously like, The Boy Of All Boys, but Turbo is a close second, and I adore Svechy and Seabass too. So any of them would be my favorites, but I love them all!

Whatever you can come up with is wonderful for me! I do love some winter aesthetics but nothing in particular.

I don't want to be too picky or anything but I can give you some facts about me below the cut if that will spark anything in you!

Feel free to ask me more, I'm here to help you, y'know? Thank you so much!

I'm 5'10, pale white skin, red curly shoulder-length hair, green eyes, and plus-size. I wear jeans and shirts most of the time, with cardigans or zip-up sweatshirts, and glasses. I think I'm kind of ugly, but eh. My pinned post is me with Matty B.

My favorite color is blue. Basically everything I own or icon of mine is blue, lol.

I adore fairy tales! Disney movies, Barbie movies, stories, all of that. Rapunzel, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and the Little Mermaid are my favorites. I also love visiting Disney parks.

I have a huge sweet tooth and I love dark chocolate and ice cream.

I've never been in a relationship before. Or had someone had a crush on me. Or even held hands. Plus all my friends are online so, it's kind of lonely.

I have a playlist of songs that I hope love makes me feel like someday. It's here.

I collect dolls! Monster High and Ever After High mostly, with some Barbies and Disney dolls thrown in. I also have a lot of plushes, lol.

I have a cat! He's all white and his name is Lincoln. He's my bestie.

For hobbies I love to write, read, and sing. I used to do theater but haven't auditioned in a while. I'm still a decent enough singer though. I also love to make lists and rank things like albums or movies in a series.

I cry at like, literally everything. I'm a sensitive bean.

Maybe TMI, but my family life sucks, lol. My parents and younger brothers are verbally and emotionally abusive. Plus I've been abused and abandoned by friends before, so. Oh, and I have autism, CPTSD, depression, and anxiety. So if you need angst material!!

I'm nonbinary - I use they/them pronouns, but I'm not out to anyone IRL whoops.

I FORGOT that I live in Massachusetts near Boston but I went to school out on Long Island and went to NYC all the time. So. Wah.

I also have a personal blog with a lot of hashtag relatable posts for me over at quietblues :)

Hopefully that's enough for now, lol, but let me know if you need anything else!!

[thepalmofyourfreezinghand]

I saw some anons of a big blog complaining that Travis took a job in LA, and according to them he isn't supporting Taylor enough 😭. Bht maybe the difference between Joe and Travis is the fact that she's not with Joe anymore and she sang how she felt left alone ( which is not necessarily because of the job, you can be away and be there for someone). But maybe people complained already back then but I wasn't there so idk

But anyway I really don't understand people complaining on behalf of Taylor : if she has a problem with it, it's not ours, she can resolve it in her own, no need to complain we don't know anything 😭

People already complained about Joe not being there for Taylor throughout the entire relationship, yes, BUT it’s true what you’re saying that the difference is in the fact that Joe is an ex while Travis is a current boyfriend. The people who defend Travis now might end up criticizing him for leaving her alone in Europe if they ever break up, I’m sure of that.

I’m gonna be a bit tmi here, so feel free to skip this paragraph, but my dad has been working in Amsterdam for five years now, and he only comes back home to my mum two/three weekends per month. This has been going on for five years. On top of that, my mum is currently undergoing chemotherapy, she’s not doing well, and she’s at home completely alone, and she only sees my dad during the weekends (and my dad is making a lot of sacrifices taking very late flights on Friday and very early flights on Monday morning to come back home and be with my mum for the weekend). And the situation of course sucks, but my mum also understands that it’s his job, on which their livelihood depend, and they have to make it work, because sacrificing your job to be with your partner is now always possible and it shouldn’t be demanded from anyone ever. This is also why this entire discourse makes me want to punch my head on the wall, because so many fans only care about Taylor’s work and desires and needs and everyone else is just expected to accommodate her. I’ve seen my parents make it work through almost ten years of long distance marriage overall, and my dad has never dreamt of giving up a good job opportunity to be with my mum, and my mum has never dreamt of asking him to do so, so this whole “job/partner” discourse is very close to my heart.

*I’m also not suggesting slaving your life away for a job you hate and sacrificing your relationships because of it! This isn’t a pro-capitalist post hahaha. It’s just that if you care about something (like my dad with his job and Travis with the movie) you should never sacrifice that thing for a partner, IMO.

[bubblegum-girlfriend]

What it's wrong with me.

it's the last days of winter break and I haven't worked out as I said I would do. idk what is with me, I wish so much to be skinny again and I just can't stop eating but also can't allow me to enjoy food as a normal person. maybe cause I'm not a normal person. that could be a good choice.

I'm obsessed with how my body looks; even tho I don't have the thinner waist or the slimmest arms and legs. I actually enjoy looking at my face. yeah, it gets puffy and some acne gets in it, but tbh I think I like most of my features. for example, my lips they aren't small and thin like a child lips for example and my nose is much time flattered by people, (one time some girls said they loved my nose, 'cause not only it looked beautiful on my side profile but also it's like a button and they were jealous of how beautiful it made me look).

but also I would love to be skinniest. (it has been my dream since I was little and my mom said to me to stop eating out of gluttony, yeah that stuff damages you as a child) I stopped eating all through 2020 and 2021. I'm gonna stop talking about this cause I can see myself throw all I ate in a minute just by remembering those years.

anyway. as I was saying in a few days I would go back to school.

I'm honestly not in the mood for going. even tho I shouldn't be skipping, I mean it's senior year and it's time to start sending university applications. I wanna go to a university that's almost half an hour from my house and I still don't have my license or even know how to drive. which is also a thing cause my parents like, never taught me how to use public transportation. yeah, I know how it sounds. fuck I don't even know how to get to places, like I know how to get there but I can't tell you the street where the place is.

Also totally unrelated, but idk I been thinking about losing my virginity. idk if it's tmi, but for real, I mean I think most teenagers think about this stuff or are even sexually active (also the ones that aren't or don't think bout sex, it's totally okay it's just me). as I was saying, I would like to have sex idk. the other day one of my friends said, “u think about sex a lot, you're aware that could be a problem?”. well i'm sorry if wanting to manifest getting my ass smack like a drum by someone it's a problem. as if.

I got one of my friends follow me in here, and they mostly said that these recaps of my life end up like with the most out of pockets thoughts, and tbh I can totally see it. it's just I start writing this stuff sad and shit, and I mostly end up feeling much better.

this is better than therapy honestly.

[ladyhindsight]

ahem so i will talk about robert during cofa/cols i hope to not bore you too much

remember how trsom keeps up with the retcon tendency full force and that like always, almost none of the logistics of stuff is thought about

there's funny (probably only i find it funny) logistic details that i couldn't help but notice, about robert

first, the most obvious, is what alec says in city of lost souls:

When Magnus and I were traveling, and I’d call from the road, Dad never asked how he was

when. WHEN.

i feel robbed

...from where robert would get the calls. wasn't he in idris? so...

the second part is more complicated and it's more about logistic details that make me feel out of my mind

at the end of cog, everyone was in alicante, okay. then everyone goes back to ny and alec and magnus leave for their trip

the curious part is how robert fits into this, because through cofa + cols it's implied that robert never comes back from idris until the end of cols

more logistic assumption comes into this with isabelle being very upset that robert was away as if it had never happened before. it absolutely has. like, 2 books ago, robert was in idris for a good while. of course now there's the aggravation of max's death and the family falling apart, but the point is that the vibe is that robert has been in idris since cog

so in rsom we have that convo

His father had not liked it when Alec announced he was leaving the Institute to go on a trip with Magnus.

what where when?

the implication of this is of something happening at the ny institute, where robert supposedly wasn't

“What has he told you about us?” Robert Lightwood had asked, pacing Alec’s room like a distressed cat.

extremely adorable imo, but where is he again

this logistic complication can be divided into two possibilities: this somehow happened in idris, contradicting the words used (at least according to my reading), or robert did come back to new york once between cog and cofa. (i would only assume once since even his adopted son disappearing under disastrous circunstances makes him come back to ny. we get it, the guy is really ditching his family)

cc doesn't like robert's character so of course that the jace father reveal is not at all ever something approached thinking of robert's point of view as if jace didn't use the name wayland for xx years and robert is just being very normal about it. ah nevermind we remember that the parabatai bond is only real in the infernal devices, it's not a thing in tmi. so whatever if in the last couple of months robert maybe had multiple reasons to want distance from it all and reject his responsabilities with his family

plus alec stuff with magnus which is supposedly a huge scandal. none of this is ever considered as stuff piling up to make robert run away. his absence is always referred as something with very simple and objective reasons, even if they don't make that much sense or if there's a lot of context behind

since somehow alec seems to assume the worst about robert's attitudes towards his sexuality, there was the opportunity for him to feel like maybe he was one of the reasons for robert deciding to stay away, it would make sense, and that would have made alec's feelings richer in my opinion, giving him more reasons to be upset that justified his resentment towards his father

instead, there was that cols convo that i can't understand for the life of me. i want to write about robert as a parent in another ask, so not going for much information except the timing

But my father — no, not really. Once he asked me what I thought had turned me gay

the timing issue keeps bugging me. when did that happen. robert was in idris during cofa and cols, so of course it would have happened between cog and cofa, and that goes back to the question of i robert was ever back to ny or if this happened in idris and certainly would have been before the convo from rsom

i could stay a long time here trying to chart possibilities of timing of robert's supposed reactions to alec's sexuality, but that would be just me making stuff up, because none of this was ever written to make sense and it never attempted to make sense. stuff going on carried by vibes only, no basic time-space logic

- R

City of Glass takes place in September, City of Fallen Angels six weeks after that in October.

“Maryse was still coping with Max’s death, which had been only six weeks ago, and she was doing it alone, with Robert Lightwood still in Idris.” (City of Fallen Angels)

“Tell that to Dad. Did he even come back from Idris for the meeting?” (City of Lost Souls)

“Well, whatever,” said Isabelle, obviously annoyed not to get the joke. “It’s not like Dad’s ever coming back from Idris, anyway.” (City of Lost Souls)

Nothing indicates that Robert ever came back even for a bit to pace around Alec's room. It’s reasonable to assume Robert never came back to New York during those six weeks after City of Glass. Also, in CoG:

“Clary. There are no cars in Idris.” Seeing her shocked expression, Luke laughed without much amusement. “The wards foul up the machinery. Most technology doesn’t work here—mobile phones, computers, the like. Alicante itself is lit—and powered—mostly by witchlight.”

and

“Maybe you should call him,” Simon suggested, trying not to think too hard about how weird it was to be giving a demon hunter advice about possibly dating a warlock. “Can’t,” Alec said. “No phones in Idris. It doesn’t matter, anyway.” His tone was abrupt. “We’re here. This is the Gard.”

So indeed, how would he pick up a call if there is no phones? This is such a good catch.

The whole passage in The Red Scrolls of Magic is:

Now he was out of the money he’d brought with him. As he’d left the New York Institute, duffel bag slung over his shoulder, to begin this trip, his mother had chased him out and pressed money into his hands, even though he’d tried to refuse it. “Go be happy,” she had said. Alec wondered whether he’d been scammed by the faerie girl. She might be hundreds of years old, and faeries were well-known for their love of scamming mortals. But he decided to believe that she was what she seemed—a scared, hungry kid—and it made him feel happy to have helped. So the money was well spent. His father had not liked it when Alec announced he was leaving the Institute to go on a trip with Magnus. “What has he told you about us?” Robert Lightwood had asked, pacing Alec’s room like a distressed cat.

For why I feel like, with the recent books, there’s been some attempt to rewrite Maryse’s personality as well. She's pretty cold in TMI, a bit villainized also (in Luke's and Clary's perspectives), compared to TRSoM or TDA. What has always struck me weird is that there is no reaction from Robert or Maryse about Jace being Herondale, son of Stephen, any of it, because these relationships do not exist in Clare’s mind, or existed at the time anyway. It’s also weird that they too fail to see the similarity he bears to his birth parents.

Aside from the timing, which is all over the place, I think that “what has turned me gay” thing uses Robert’s character as a vehicle to the homophobia Alec experiences, because Alec never otherwise faces those dire consequences Isabelle warned Clary about in City of Bones. There’s the car conversation about the tiny little papercuts, but that’s about it. Before Clare decided to deepen Robert’s character more than treat him as this side figure people sometimes mention and talk about, he was more like a mere boogieman to Alec’s self-image issues and confidence.

Robert and Alec's relationship is all over the place in the series. At some points it is left somewhat vague. Sometimes I can't figure out the angle because the writing doesn't really give the time of day to this particular father-son relationship.