#maybe this is an autism thing or just a me thing but I can’t stand the thought of Luffy shippers enjoying my content in a way I didnt intend

[shot-by-cupid]

I am sick again. This is really negative and super weird so feel free to not read ^_^ I’m going fucking bananas !!! If you see this post. No you fucking do not and I’m actually SO normal and there is nothing wrong with me.

I am not. À jealous person.

Okay actually I am lying I am the most jealous person you will probably ever meet. And it is so ugly btw.

I’m not sure if I even wanna post this because it feels awful to admit but like. Having a popular f/o can realllly suck. It can really suck so hard. Too many people like him and it’s driving me mad.

And this is about him btw. It’s always about him. It’s never not about him.

Like on one hand. I’m so glad that I can go anywhere and there’s a 90% chance I’ll see him at a store, merch is easy to find, he’s in so many games, he’s in movies and tv and videos and art. I see him everywhere. I take him everywhere I go. I’m so glad people are passionate about the same thing I’m passionate about.

But I also can’t stand it. Not at all. I’m so protective of my interests. He’s always been such an important part of my life, from when I was just some hopeless little girl he was all I had and he’s all I have now and he’s so important to me you can’t take him away from me. it feels like You are touching my stuff and you will NEVER understand him the way I do and I literally have no right to feel that way and I’m sorry. But he’s mine. He’s mine and I can’t help it.

I’ve just been feeling so awful recently and it’s like I can’t get away from these ugly feelings and I’m so sorry. But I’ve been so angry. I’m so angry at everyone who likes him and I can’t help it and I’m so sorry. I bite.

I do not expect anyone to get it. I’m not well I’m not healthy and there’s something wrong with me. Blame it on the misfortune of my birth (gundam quote because even when I’m depressed and losing my mind I have to be funny as fuck)

[purplepenntapus]

Someone reblogged my straw hats sexuality headcanons post and I don’t know how I knew but I just felt the vibes and went to their blog and OF COURSE they’re a Luffy shipper.

I don’t know how much clearer I can be than staying directly on that art that Luffy is aroace and doesn’t like or care about romance that my content isn’t FOR YOU

[bonniepop]

character: akaashi keiji words: 700+ warnings: parenthood & special children. drama & comfort. notes: when i did a quick recap of all the fics i wanted to repost, this came at me out of nowhere, mostly because i forgot i wrote it, but also holy hell i wrote this? (i also rewrote it.)

-

your eyes are wet and swollen, your back pressed against the side of the bathtub as you sit on the floor. once upon a time, you looked at this place with dreamy eyes and excitement—this bathroom is so beautiful, this house is gorgeous, it’s perfect for us—but lately, you’ve been seeing the inside of it through a teary, pained gaze. it’s ruined for you.

i guess all this really was too good to be true, you tell yourself miserably, heat pricking the back of your eyes once again. you curl further into yourself and press your forehead over your knees, tears dripping down your thighs and soaking your shorts.

you don't know how long you sit there, but eventually, the bathroom door opens, and your husband steps in. “hi,” you hear akaashi say softly, “she’s asleep now.”

you don't move. the door shuts and you feel his warmth settle next to you.

you're both quiet for a time.

“you’re so good with her,” you say, voice wet and sticky, heavy in your mouth. “you're so... i’m so fucking terrible compared to you.”

akaashi doesn’t say anything.

“maybe…” you gasp against your knees, “maybe if i carried her to term—”

“hey, no,” he says softly, lifting one of his hands to tug at your elbow. “don’t say things like that.”

you press your lips shut and turn your head to meet his eyes, and you find him looking at you with so much compassion, so much patience, that you feel your heart fall to your stomach.

"say things like what?" you ask him sadly, voice cracking. “that i'm a bad mother? that i can't do it? that i can’t even carry a normal baby?”

the moment the words leave your mouth, you regret them. your eyes widen and your lip trembles. “keiji, i—i'm sorry, i didn’t mean—”

“it’s not your fault,” he says, voice louder, a little rougher, but never angry. he tugs a little more firmly on your elbow, and you let him take it. “it’s not your fault. we—we’re doing what we can, we’re not—you’re not a bad mother, and she’s not a bad child. she’s just… different.”

she’s just different, the phrase repeats in your head, hollowly bouncing around as keiji pulls you into his arms. you’ve heard it many times before. it’s not her fault she screams the way she does; it’s not her fault she can’t stand anything that has the color blue; it’s not her fault she needs to eat at exactly 4:30pm when she comes home from school everyday. it’s the way she is. she can’t help it.

“what if i’m not good enough to handle different?” you tell him, heart breaking, head leaning on his chest. you start to hiccup through your tears. “i love her, i love her so much, but… keiji, what if i… what if i’m not a bad mom, but i’m a bad mom to her?”

he shakes his head, gently stroking your hair. “you’re not, because you’re thinking about how to be a good one,” he tells you softly, other arm coming around your shoulders.

after a long moment of silence, you speak again. it's a little laborous, pulling your lips apart to speak because you've been crying so much. “you’re so good with her. how… you have so much patience, and i…” you cut yourself off with a sniffle. "i don't know how you do it."

akaashi sighs. “it's... i don't know. i wish i had an answer."

you pull away and meet his gaze. the hand in your hair drifts to your other hand and he takes it in a gentle squeeze.

“i’m not perfect, either,” he murmurs gently, letting go of your hand to tuck your hair behind your ear.. “no one’s perfect at this. there’s no manual to handling a child with autism, love. we just have to be patient, and love them, and remember what they like and don’t like.” he kisses your forehead. “you love her, don’t you?”

“of course,” you answer truthfully, and sniffle. he takes your hand again, his thumb brushing your skin so delicately, so lovingly. “i love her so, so much, but i’m so… i’m so scared i’m doing her a disservice.”

“you’re not. you’re not, my love. please believe me.” he presses the back of your hand to his mouth. “what matters is that we try.”

you let go of his hand and wrap your arms around his waist, the side of your thigh falling on top of his legs. “i love you, keiji,” you tell him earnestly, desperately. “i’m sorry i’m being so difficult.”

“you aren’t,” he answers, but you know it’s automatic, because your husband is the kindest of souls and you are the most selfish of people.

you press yourself closer to him. “still, i was acting like a child. we're supposed to be partners, but instead i made things harder on you. i'm sorry.”

he presses a kiss to your forehead, and the hand that was on your shoulder now strokes your hair. “i forgive you,” he says against your skin. “i love our little family, imperfect as it is. i’d hate to see it fall apart.”

your eyes water and your mouth trembles and your heart squeezes with love. if there’s anything you’d go to the ends of the earth for, it’s keiji’s happiness.

fortunately, you don’t have to go that far. you can start in your daughter’s room.

[meichenxi]

career. change. help

so I am making a career change because teaching is going to make me burn out and I NEED YOUR HELP to brainstorm, fellow neurodivergents and degenerates!!!!! do you have any personal experience? any careers or jobs that work for you? (doesn't need to be a 'career' that your parents would be proud of; postie works fine!)

if you don't have any ideas, could you pass it around?

what we're working with / difficulties:

I am adhd and hyperactive. I like moving around a lot and struggle to sit still all day

I am also most likely autistic. I get HUGE masking/social hangovers that mean that when I teach for 2 hours, I need to spend another 2 hours directly afterwards in the dark with noise cancelling headphones. teaching in a school left me essentially unable to cook, clean or socialise for a year. even now teaching 1-1 means that I spend 100% of the time teaching recovering afterwards at least - so an hour recovering for an hour's teaching. this inevitably leads to burnout.

I have a lot of sensory difficulties and get easily overstimulated e.g. bright lights, sounds etc. I wear blue light cancelling glasses and use loops and/or noise cancelling headphones where applicable but yeahhhh. still doesn’t really do it

I have a problem with my ulnar nerve which means that typing for extended periods of time (even standing up, even with accommodations) is difficult. This is a cumulative thing, so it means that if I don’t type very much for one day, it’ll be easier the next day, but I still can only type for about 3 hours maximum. After a while (say 3-4 days of typing a reasonable amount), everything begins to hurt and eventually my hands seize up and I can’t use them :))) I can’t really use assistive technology enough as a stop-gap, because scrolling, clicking, holding a phone, cooking, washing up etc – all things where my elbows are a right angle all cause this problem

strengths:

I have a lot of experience teaching and tutoring. Don’t really want to continue this, but this is what my main experience so far is in – I’ve taught in China, Japan, Korea, Thailand, and the UK

I have experience managing teams of teachers and training, running interviews, writing curriculums etc. basically anything teacher-related I am fairly experienced at

I can speak (obviously) english, decent mandarin chinese, decent german, and could get good at french or spanish or dutch if you gave me like. six months to reactivate it

a good degree from a good university in the uk, linguistics, first class

I have a yoga teaching qualification

physically fit and able-bodied and active – I can run, walk, climb, pull things, do whatever

the issue I’m facing is that most ‘autism friendly’ careers I am looking at all involve extensive periods of typing, which I am not really able to do. and most ‘normal’ careers all involve extensive periods of socialising, which I am not really able to do. It’s a pretty shit situation. I am very good and enjoy performance-type things like teaching drama, yoga, tour guiding and stuff – all things my adhd brain loves – but I can only do them for a very short period of time before my autistic brain needs alone time in the dark.

So anyway. What sort of things do you guys do? What works for you? Any tips or help or directions would be greatly appreciated. Unfortunately it’s not a ‘how to solve the world career’, but ‘how to have a life’ type career – I am not adverse to working as a cleaner or a traffic warden or whatever. As long as I can write my book alongside (which I can’t do with ‘typing’ heavy jobs), I’ll be happy. at the moment I'm mainly just sad and frustrated at how little life i can lead even working 15 hours a week (which is all I work, and all, with this current job, that I can work)

maybe I’ll just make a youtube channel. imagine

[yourslaveandenemyandlover]

ᯓ 𝑚𝑦 𝑑𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑡,

Yesterday I was watching Bones, S4: E17.

In that episode there’s was a moment of Arastoo giving Angela a cathartic mixtape he made for her. Two of the six songs on that cd were ‘heartbeats, and ‘fade into you’.

That scene reassured me on the idea that Bones is a custom TV show God (/the universe) made especially for me.

I can’t justify the bond I have with Bones, I just honestly love all the characters individually, and relate to every single one of them in the characteristics that make them differ from each other.

Booth is the loyalty, responsibility, and commitment I hope to find in the world. He’s the guy you can say ‘He would never do that’ and be certain about it. He’s security: stable as earth, a father, a partner, a man on what a man should be;

Brennan is a reminder that being weird and awkward can also be about being special, unique, and valuable. That you can be socially unfit, and still treasured by those who can really see you;

Angela is the perfect personification of what a confident woman should be, a woman that never learned insecurities, that feels entitled to her space, and knows how to read people without any ego;

Cam is everything an empowered woman should be, she has posture, demands respect, and presents herself as authority, without arrogance; she perceives herself we’ll enough to be comfortable with how she’s perceived by others;

Sweets is human, emphatic, loving, soft, and kind. He’s all of that, and also a brilliant young doctor. His sharp perception of people is never a weapon against people, is always an offer of improvement he keeps in his pocket;

Hodgins is a passionate conspiracy nut. Passionate. Hodgins lives his life a hundred percent in, cause he loves his job, he worships his wife, he’s devoted to his pears. He gives himself off completely to everything he committees to, his constancy is something you can rely on.

Arastoo is beautiful as an Arabic poem, he’s religion as religion should be. He presents such and honest and uncorrupted faith that made me understand faith as love.

I once saw a tiktok that claimed bones as the greatest autistic representation on TV, and I fully stand behind that.

Bones entered my life 10 years prior to my autism diagnosis, and now looking back with the lens I was given, our relationship makes so much sense.

Brennan, Hodgins, Sweets, Zach, Vincent, they’re all unintentionally beautiful representations of what autistic people really are. I don’t believe the writers intended on that but they nailed it.

Moreover, Bones is also a great tv show for autists cause of how well they work on characters development. We’re constantly working towards understanding people, and we can understand that team:

Booth’s loyalty makes sense to me;

Brennan’s inadequacy makes sense to me;

Hodgins special interests makes sense to me;

Angela’s self-assurance makes sense to me;

Camille’s humanity makes sense to me;

Sweets kindness makes sense to me;

Arastoo’s love makes sense to me.

These characters, they taught me about people, about what people should be; They presented to my autistic ass that was always trying to understand people, people I could understand, and admire, and love.

The show strikes me as one of those things that are supposed to exist, that happens cause the only possibility is they happening. It may not have a huge social significance but it’s important, for me, maybe to a couple other people, but it’s important, it should exist,

Anyways, I just wanted to share that, the way I related to something before I had the mechanisms to understand why, and how much something silly can mean.

Hope I’m making sense,

𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑠, 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑙𝑦, 𝐶𝑎𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑎 ᡣ𐭩ᝰ.ᐟ

26•09•2024

[worms-in-my-brain]

Being an ally to autistic people is more than understanding that we might not always get social cues.

It’s also respecting our perspectives as valuable and accurate.

If every time you hear about a conflict involving an autistic person your train of thought goes something like, “I’m sure they didn’t mean it like that but I’m sorry they did that!” and not, “I should probably hear their perspective before I assume that the person I’m talking to is giving me a perfectly accurate depiction of events,” then there is something wrong!!

I’m saying this because this or things like this have happened to me with MULTIPLE different friend groups and the result is never good. I always feel like I’m not respected, like they don’t value me or my emotions, I feel infantilised and like my autonomy has been disrespected. And on top of that, my friends end up assuming things about me that aren’t true! Maybe I said what I said not because I was “confused and didn’t understand” but rather because the other person was being an ass?? That option is NEVER considered when you’re autistic. And then because they assume that they also assume I’m going to react to certain things in ways I straight up won’t. Like they’ll assume I’ll get really mad when I never have in that situation before just because they think I don’t understand a situation and they think I’m categorically in the wrong and need to be “corrected” or “let down easy” or something when, in reality, what I really needed was to have a talk with my friends and actually communicate so that the misunderstanding could be cleared up.

And this applies even when autism IS the reason I understood something differently (it’s not always just didn’t understand—it can also be understood differently), that doesn’t make my autistic perspective any less valuable or real. If somebody said “meet me at 5” and meant “meet me at 5:15-30” and I got annoyed because I had to wait for them 20 mins even though I can’t stand for that long, my perspective is still a valid one. It’s not, “oh well Cyril is autistic so of course you have to talk to them like a child or else they’ll throw a fit,” it’s, “Cyril is autistic but their perspective is not a child’s perspective, it’s an autistic perspective, so they don’t deserve to be treated as a child, they deserve clear communication with appreciation of their autism and also treatment and respect as an autonomous adult with their own emotions.”

Honestly the people who treat me best are the people who see me primarily as a person and not an autistic person. Like yes you do have to keep in mind that I am autistic, but you can’t be reading every single one of my actions through the lens of autism, or you’re never going to see me as another person who you can, in fact, understand and relate to, even though you are not yourself autistic! I’m not an alien. If I can understand you, albeit not perfectly, then you can, to some extent, understand me.

[kiragecko]

People often talk about autism and ADHD ‘starting in childhood’.

These conditions are DIAGNOSABLE in childhood. I don’t know what the current research is saying, but it’s pretty obvious to me that they’re present from birth.

I’ve been surrounded by kids and neurodivergent people all my life, but people who weren’t, might not have had the chance to make these observations. So here’s some things that I’ve noticed in babies (often before 6 months) who turned out to, yup, be neurodivergent:

Wants to be swaddled at all times, as tightly as the parent can. Prefers double swaddling so a hand can’t accidentally escape (ie. loves deep pressure)

Only wants to be touched when nursing. Otherwise, touch is stressful (ie. hyper stimulation)

Happily sleeps 8 hours a night from a young age with no need for parental soothing. Soothes quicker by watching a mobile than through cuddles (ie. probably a mix of stimming, impaired social awareness, and hyper stimulation?)

Zero anxiety or awareness of strangers, can be passed around the room for two hours without care (ie. impaired social skills and face-blindness)

Ignores funny faces and smiles (ie. discomfort with eye contact)

HATES touching different textures (carpets, grass, different types of flooring) (ie. hypersensitivity again)

Will not interact with anything in a new space until they’ve had 15-20 minutes to observe silently (ie. difficulty with transition)

Will not play with a toy until an adult has shown the ‘proper’ way (ie. no clue the term, maybe lack of neurotypical imagination?, but this is SO AUTISTIC)

Will only show interest in toys that are a colourful set that can be lined up/organized (ie. “repetitive play” - I hate this term so much!)

Water and mobiles are fascinating to most babies, but these guys might scream when they have to stop and won’t calm down (ie. stimming)

-

I was suspicious that my eldest was neurodivergent by 4 months - surely no normal baby was that uninterested in social interaction? I was sure by 9, when he cried any time we tried to get him to stand on the door mat to put his shoes on.

Anyways, this idea that you can ‘get autism’ seems pretty ridiculous to me. I think people are just bad at SEEING autism and ADHD before the kid becomes difficult.

-

Ps. @audreycritter do you have any others? I know some of your kids have different neurodivergencies, but I remember your experiences being very relatable.

[neenieweenie]

Quote Prompts

this is a list of real things that i have heard people say and i strongly encourage that it be used in works of fiction. i started this list in my freshman year of high school and am now a junior in college. if you have any questions about context for any of them (or you’re just curious) feel free to ask! also please tag me if you use it bc i wanna see how ppl use it

“you know what? i am gonna have some grapes.”

“lemon juice and nicolas cage”

[seriously] “you silly goose”

“winner winner, chicken… soup”

“don’t be a debby downer” “did you just say ‘debby downer’?” “i did say debby downer”

“just say ‘controversial’ and call it a day”

“I’m gonna eat her grandma”

“nothing says ‘festive’ like ibs”

“what if the sun was on fire” “the sun IS on fire” “oh”

“my mom thinks my stepdad is a drug addict” “my mom IS a drug addict” “oH-“

“what delicious nutrients in milk!”

“that’s don cheadle” “[gasp]”

“how am i supposed to criss cross applesauce in these conditions”

“oh, like you don’t fart?” “i DONT fart” *farts*

“you’re the worst person i’ve ever met” “aww, you mean that?”

“i’m a girl, not a boy, but i do have epi pens (bonus: “assigned allergic at birth?”)

“fuck— i mean fart”

“i had all four sevens you bitch”

“stuff is temporary. swag is forever.”

“the “P” in “RIP” stands for piss” “rest in piss 😔✊”

“you’ve been in the shower too long, you’re gonna ruin your skin!” “my skin is baby soft”

“my bones are made of pretzel sticks”

“maybe the real clitoris was the friends we made along the way”

“i’m gonna give you a big fat kiss if you don’t shut the fuck up”

“is it worse to be called a slut or a whore?” “well whores get paid, so… slut, probably. cause they don’t have that entrepreneurial spirit”

“tomorrow is the wedding and also the wiffle ball game”

“you’re too young to be so jaded” “i was born jaded. i came out of the WOMB jaded”

“we’ve taught her too much. now she’s pointing out our mistakes”

“andrew jackson: super mega-cunt”

“let’s not sully the lox bagel experience”

“I’m twisting your brain into yarn. I’m crocheting a sweater with your thoughts”

“it’s a part of who i am” “well maybe… change”

“critically analyze your sources! fuck you!”

“i piss like a racehorse”

“i was an athlete if you put an m at the front of it”

“what ever happened to boy bands?” “we mostly get our imports from korea now”

“that’s bird autism” “cawtism”

“i had a dream that the monarchy returned to russia”

l“you’re the most chalant person i’ve ever met”

“i know where to get a tapeworm on my own, i don’t need you to sell me one”

“gotta keep him moist like a lizard”

nothing says happy 20th birthday like dying in a covered wagon”

“yeah, after archimedes figured out the water displacement theory he moved on to jet propulsion technology”

“it may be an ants life, but it’s a beetle’s world; let me tell you about beetles real quick”

“go spaghetti, motherfucker”

“this sandwich is sexually active” (it fucks)

“there is no hope for me. like, i’m on the titanic, it’s going down and i’m one of those people who just went to bed”

“that’s what they taught me in vampire school… i mean band camp”

“would that i were an ocean dweller”

“it’s simply the madness, it can’t be helped”

[monstersinthecosmos]

Okay I don’t want this to be like an obnoxious millennial assumption because I’m positive that every generation has things like this, but the way autism and ADHD was treated for us in the 90’s and how it affects adult diagnoses is like, imo, so integral to our coming of age and the stories we tell and the way we’ve gotten to know ourselves, even the way it relates to our job market and economy and how we operate inside it, and especially the way a pandemic uncovered it for so many people and exposed the cracks and revealed that we were all just barely functioning and held together with popsicle sticks and anyway

I say that because maybe it’s the un-diagnosed 90’s child in me but I feel particularly emotional about Keith’s arc in learning that he’s part Galra, and the way even the creators said they made him sort of prickly because of his biology, and I just !! Think so much about Keith’s neurotype as a part Galra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cause something about being diagnosed later in life is like, looking back at all the other ways you tried to handle yourself, all the missteps, maybe even misdiagnoses. Like, how many times did you try to treat ANXIETY without realizing you didn’t have an anxiety disorder, you just can’t deal with your family blaring the TV from the next room? How many times were you told you were lazy, or lying, when you didn’t know what executive dysfunction is? 

Keith is such a lovely rich character because his prickliness is EARNED—we know what happened to him, we know he’s traumatized, we know he’s been treated poorly by many people in his life. We know that he grew up thinking that he’d been abandoned by one of the people who should’ve loved him the most, in the whole world. He even questions that in his vlog—he makes the connection that he has trouble with people because of his mom. 

But I just wonder like, how much of it is just his biology. Not understanding the body he’s in, being completely ignorant of one whole half of his culture. Had he ever mutated before the TBP fight? Did it take him by surprise, did it frighten him? ((* This is head canon territory LMAO there’s no way to really know—like, is he able to do this because he just spent so much time with Krolia, or does Shiro going That’s the Keith I remember mean they used to have really primal sex that turned his eyes yellow? Lol)) 

Like when we talk about even the most broad generic terms of saying someone is neurodivergent, we don't even need to put a real life label on Keith. Like he's literally not human! Of course his brain looks different! Of course he functions differently! And I wonder how much is nature v nurture -- if he knew the truth about his mom, if his dad had lived, if he'd been allowed a normal childhood, would he still have been a weird kid?

Cause like, even seeing the way Shiro is able to get through to him, we see ways that he allowed for thrill seeking, and he didn't judge Keith for stealing his car. It reminds me of like, what we know now about asking children to sit still in school, and how perhaps some children would do better with standing desks. Shiro wants him to behave and succeed, and doesn't judge him for being a car thief, and gets through to him by bringing him cliff diving. And it just feels like this clue, you know, that nothing is wrong with Keith, he's just living in a weird place where people don't get him.

It’s just really special to me, because there’s so many pieces in the sequence of events of Keith’s character arc, and I know I’ve said this a handful of times now, but I really sincerely believe it’s the only thing the show really nailed. Accepting himself during the BOM Trial -> MOMENTS later learning something very important about his biology -> spending time with Krolia -> coming back to pilot Black when he’s READY and WANTS to (unlike the first time, when he resisted) -> becoming a pragmatic strong leader by the end.

Gosh idk. 

I don’t really have anywhere to go with this, it’s just something I was thinking about today and it gets me real emotional. Like, Keith must have had these moments, re-evaluating who he’d been before he’d known, finally understanding why he was Like That, and it’s so healing to imagine him accepting his past self and forgiving it because he understands now. 

[magpigment]

oh nice!! i can’t wait til i’m able to catch up to the current campaign, i’ve only got 40 episodes left of riptide finally!

as far as the mini comic idea goes it’s basically first panel is vyncent and dakota using their powers or something, looking almost straight out of an anime with the text ‘you guys are all super powered kids-‘ and the next panel would be william sitting on a gravestone with his name, shadows covering half of him w a wisp partially illuminating the shade with his skull glowing through the same color as the wisp w the text ‘well, i’m just a dead one.’

i’ve no idea if that’s anything cuz i very much don’t know a whole lot of what happens or how exactly will got his powers but like. based on his dialogue in the first five episodes it might be accurate XD. i’ll see when i get there i suppose but yeah!

also oh! starving by car seat headrest gives me some of wills vibes lol

have you listened to prime defenders yet? i just started listening to the free episodes and i’m accidentally super obsessed and have a fantastic idea for a mini two paneled comic for william that might be something based on my vibes of him so far

yes!! I actually just finished catching up on the latest episodes yesterday!! its such a fun campaign one of my absolute favorites, I would love to hear your comic idea if youdont mind :D

[garfeildfanpage]

Aoi & Akane - how not to be a healthy relationship

I’m going to go ahead and get my preemptive bias out of the way: I do not like Aoiaoi, in any shape or form, but this isn’t about that. If you like AoiAoi, this isn’t an attack on your personal feelings on their dynamic, all relationships in tbhk are flawed in some way or another, that’s like the whole point. In the best way I can I’m going to try to dissect their relationship, and maybe give a different perspective on why they behave the way they do.

Pre-canon

Aoi and Akane’s relationship has been, and has always been, incredibly codependent. Both of them perpetuate unhealthy behavior, and ignoring one or the other completely nullifies the point of their dynamic in the first place.

Aoi is implied to have a bad home life, along with a bad social life. Outcasted by everyone including her own father, lied to, and “treated like she’s a different species”. While I have a few personal interpretations of why that is, (autism*) the main point is that no one seems to really “get” her, she has difficulty connecting with people, and difficulty understanding relationships in general. To infer that Akane deals with similar problems isn’t far fetched, but he obviously goes about this differently. Akane is respected, looked up to, and is generally treated well by everyone around him, unlike Aoi. Aoi is treated like an object, a thing without feelings, constantly having her boundaries stepped on to the point where it’s just how life is around her. People see the unfair treatment, yet no one bats an eye as she doesn’t outwardly complain about anything. (Yashiro being a main point, though blame can’t really be put on her fully since she has no reason to think that Aoi is unhappy)

Akane doesn’t fully understand Aoi, and I don’t think with his current approach, he ever will. Aoi is a mystery, but it’s not his job to solve it. He imposes himself into Aoi’s business, with good intention, but because of how closed she keeps herself, he will never be able to help. But he doesn’t believe he is the one at fault, because all he wanted was to help her, and that can’t be bad right? But she doesn’t want people to help her, and unless she can learn to accept help, there’s no way to force entry. And it upsets him, as it would for most people. “Why won’t you just let me in?!” They’re an unstoppable force and an unmovable object, and unless they learn to communicate like normal people, it will stay that way.

Canon

The Clock-Keeper arc is a huge example of a lack of communication. Akane not telling Aoi about something so substantial can be a huge trust breaker, wether or not he thinks it’s important to tell or not. So many people take Akane’s side on this and it’s really unfair, it’s not just the fact he didn’t tell her, it’s the fact that he kept lying to her face about it. Of course, Akane is allowed to keep secrets, especially when he doesn’t even want to be a Keeper in the first place, “why tell someone about something when you don’t even want to be a part of it anyway?” But in tandem to that Aoi is allowed to feel betrayed, that Akane could just keep such a large factor of his life from her is obviously an upsetting thing to know. They both have grounds for reason, but they don’t ever communicate, ever. Akane thinks he knows what’s best for Aoi, and that’s not a just thing to believe. Aoi is a hypocrite, never being open about anything to anyone yet she expects the opposite from others. They’re both unbelievably stubborn, and both refuse to change their behavior even if it would be beneficial. Akane is selfish, Aoi in selfish, they’re both selfish, and that’s the whole point.

As much as I abhor the Akane & Aoi chapters, they are fundamental in seeing how bad the state of their relationship is. They both refuse to let up on their main flaws, and with Akane is specific it is infuriating to watch. Aoi never stands by boundaries, and so Akane pushes them without seeing how gross it is. They’re both at fault, but Akane’s behavior is at its worst. Aoi’s disappearance after probably knocked a few screws back in place for him, which I think really proves another point.

Better apart

When separated, Akane’s attitude changes. Losing his weird sense of childish entitlement, and returning back to a more childlike sense of justice. Wanting to save Aoi, not have Aoi for himself. The severance acted as a slap in the face to Akane, basically telling him to get his shit together. Comparatively making his confrontation with Aoi seem like two children fighting over something stupid. He regrets his actions, and wants to make them right. This development shows that Aoi is an inhibitor to Akane’s growth, this goes both ways. But the moment they reconnect, they start to fall back into bad habits, Aoi not telling Nene about her paralyzed hand, and Akane jumping back into the “will you go out with me!” attitude. Obviously not as hard, (and it really depends on how AidaIro decide how they want them to go forward.) but unless they really put the effort into it, it’ll just go back to the way it was before, having the cycle continue.

Akane needs someone who trusts him with their personal life, someone who gives him meaning without having him be forced to dedicate his life fully to that person.

Aoi needs someone who will listen to her and ask her if she’s okay, someone who accepts her without putting her on a pedestal.

And unless they can both learn to understand what the other needs, they’ll always never be able to be with one another comfortably.

final thoughts

Moral of the story: if two mentally unwell individuals wish to date, they both have to put in the effort to change themselves for the better.

I believe that if they were to fix their underlying problems, they could definitely be happy with one another. But because they don’t seem to be doing that at the moment, the belief that their relationship is healthy is completely false. And that’s not to say they can’t be together and if you like them you’re a bad person, flawed relationships can be explored in interesting ways, that is quite literally what they already are. But to their core, they are unhealthy, and misunderstanding their relationship defeats the whole point of their characters in the first place.

Harkening back to a previous post. I personally think that Akane’s specific attachment to Aoi is a trauma-bonding behavior rather than something he just does with people he likes. I don’t believe he would act like that with anyone else, since his relationship with Aoi runs so deep they obviously have behaviors exclusive to one another. That doesn’t mean Akane is totes peaches and cream with everyone else, he obviously has other underlying problems but I don’t think he’d ever do what he does with Aoi for anyone else. They’re very attuned to one another, positively or not, certain aspects of their personality are definitely specific to one another.

(*I personally view Aoi as autistic as I believe that a lot of her character can be viewed as a non-diagnosed autistic girl who is never able to fully grasp herself let alone other people, and is thusly turned into an outcast because she’s “different”. Akane not so much, but I can see the vision)

This was long sorry if it makes no sense or there’s some grammar mistakes I’m very very tired atm

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

~*~

1. Can you help me find a fic? It was a poly ship, with I think Lan Wangji, Jiang Cheng, Jin Zixuan, and Wei Wuxian. Possibly also Nie Huaisang? LWJ, JC, JZX (+maybe NHS) were divine beasts and WWX was another mythical beast but he hid it. I don’t think they were all romantically involved: WWX was the pivot between the others. It was abo or a fated-soulmate au. I think I might be getting two fics confused though, because I remember there is one where WWX, LWJ, JC, and JZX form some kind of soul bond and they fight through the Sunshot Campaign together and they can read each other’s thoughts and bring each other back to life, but this one is not that one! Can’t remember that one’s name either and it isn’t in my bookmarks. TT

FOUND? I’m pretty sure the one with the fourway soulbond is Quartet series by WithBroomBefore (T, 69k, Platonic Soulbond, Hurt/comfort, Canon   Divergence, No golden core transfer, JC&JZX stay in Xuanwu cave, Fix-it, Temporary character death)

~*~

2. Hello! I am looking for a fic where  Wei Wuxian is a hairstylist. Rich!Lan Wangji keeps coming back even though originally he would only make an appointment with the owner. Likes his scalp massage. I can't remember if the owner is Huaisang or Wen Ning. Thank you for your help! @toopunkrockforshul

FOUND! Delivered in Silence by DeviyudeThoolika (E, 17k, WangXian, Modern AU, Slow Burn, hairstylist!WWX, client!LWJ, Horny WangXian)

~*~

3. For fic finder: An mpreg fic: in the Gusu lectures Jin Zixuan rapes Wei Wuxian, and so Madame Yu pulls WWX out of classes and drags him back to Lotus Pier where he is confined in secret for a year to have the child. The story continues on through the canon storyline with WWX repeatedly clashing with JZX especially over his engagement to Yanli. LWJ realizes that JZX hurt WWX and stands by WWX’s side to face JZX. I think it was a very long fic.(wangxian endgame, not WWX/JZX)

FOUND! secrets for the stars to keep by UchiHime (M, 37k, WangXian, XuanXian, XuanLi, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mpreg, Canon Divergence, not a/b/o, Hurt/Comfort, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Recovery)

~*~

4. Help me please! I am struggling to find a fic due to tumblr’s dumb search system (I know I originally found it due to this blog). The fic involves Lan Zhan slowly turning into jade and Wei Wuxian is asked to help bc he is great at breaking curses! It turns into the two of them basically doing a bucket list for Lan Zhan and it was very cute! @flamboyantly-asexual​

FOUND! A Curse of a Different Color by nickel710 (G, 35k, WangXian, XiChengQing, Modern with Magic, Modern Cultivation, Curses, Curse Breaking, Asexual polyamory, Repressed LWJ, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Drunk LWJ, Falling In Love, WWX Being an Idiot, Non-explicit vomit, just a tiny reference to it, Anxiety)

~*~

5. Hi! For the fic finder, I vaguely remember reading a summary where lwj turns into a girl and has to have an orgasm in order to get back to being a boy or something along those lines? Sorry, that's the only thing I remember about it but I need it 😭🙏🏼

FOUND! Coming Back to Yourself by acernor (E, 21k, WangXian, Vaginal Fingering, Cunnilingus, Oral Sex, Pining, Gender or Sex Swap, Vaginal Sex)

~*~

6. Hi, I'm looking for a fic, large I believe, where a transmigrator was born as Xichen... Any idea which can be @krysaniar​

FOUND? the eve of dawn by theAbandoned_Grimoire (G,132k, LXC & LWJ, LXC & QHJ & LWJ, LQR & QHJ, NHS & NMJ, future wangxian, canon divergence, dumb LXC au, hurt/comfort, angst & feels, fluff, dysfunctional family, happy ending, implied/referenced character death, minor character death, slow burn)

~*~

7. Hello! I’m looking for a fic I read a while back. My memory is a bit vague, so take with a grain of salt. Plot: Lan Wangji is stressed (forgot if it was just stress or if it was autism related) so Wei Wuxian uses his body as a weighted blanket, just laying on top of LWJ. (I think WWX buys him an actual weighted blanket later on but LWJ prefers WWX as a weighted blanket. Also, I think they get together at end of fic, but I’m not sure.) thanks in advance for your help! It’s greatly appreciated! @dweebdaweeb

FOUND? Happy for Now by ScarlettStorm (E, 79k, Female WangXian, Modern AU, no magic, Rule 63, Cisswap, There Was Only One Bed, romance author au, Adhd wwx, service top LWJ, Pining, Smut, Comedy, Minor Angst, major shenanigans, horny yearning, furtive masturbation, Cunnilingus, Vaginal Fingering, Sex Toys) there was a scene like that in 'Happy for Now' by ScarlettStorm

~*~

8. hi ! i’m looking for a fic set in post canon where i’m pretty sure wangxian we’re tg, they go on a hunt where smth puts everyone to sleep and eventually kills. but rlly the curse tricks you into showing u a horrible nightmare that u think is ur reality so u stay asleep. wei ying sees lan zhan die in front of him and he’s super angry and resentful that lan zhan would leave him, and after the funeral he ends up leaving cloud recesses and suzhui bc he can’t be there without him. eventually he is woken up and finds out it was a dream, but wei ying talks to lan zhan and is like “how did you not resent me i chose to leave you”. i cant find it anywhere !!

FOUND? more damage than a soul should see by Kika988 (M, 12k, WangXian, Heavy Angst, Whump, Post-Canon, Please see notes for specific warnings!)

~*~

9. Hello Mods!

I have two fics I'm looking for, that I have regrettably lost amidst my 53 pages of AO3 subscriptions (yes it is a lot no I will not shrink it I have 20+ fandoms I enjoy I am an unrepentant).

A) 1st is a Golden core reveal fic which also included Wangji telling Wuxian about the marriage ribbon and the two of them serving tea to Jiang Cheng and Yanli after it.

B) 2nd is a modern AU fic where Wuxian is a Hacker? Code writer? for his main job but also is a music teacher I think while Wangji works in hospital? They have a big concert together is what I remember.

Any help finding these two gems is greatly appreciated! (^_^♪)

9B)

FOUND? Come Around and Stay by trippednfell (M, 160k, WangXian, NieLan, Modern AU, Slow Burn, Kid Fic, Found Family, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, PTSD, Blood and Injury, Dissociation, So much trauma, Angst with a Happy Ending, Takes a while to work through it, Musicals, POV Alternating, Baking, Yunmeng reconciliation (eventually), Friend Zoning, Literal Sleeping Together, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks)

~*~

10. I'm looking for a fic where they mention that something that sometimes stops cultivators leaving the sects and going rogue is having to pay the forge prices of their swords. IIRC it was in the context of the Lan sect helping WWX get out from the Jiangs by paying the forge price for him. Please and thank you!

FOUND! Rotten Work by ShanaStoryteller (Not rated, 64k, JL & WWX, wangxian, post-canon, protective WWX, protective JL, JC & WWX reconciliation, reluctant matchmaker JL, pre-JL/LJY) Rotten Work by ShanaStoryteller mentions disciples that leave have to pay to keep their sword, but it's about Luo Qingyang and the Jins

~*~

11. Hi! It has been a while. So there's this ff that I have read before and I cannot remember the title. So it goes like

Wei Ying was going to destroy the Yin Tiger Tally and he knows he's gonna die in process. Jin Ling's 100th day is also coming up so he insists A-Yuan to go there too with someone I cannot remember (but I think it was Song Lan) and he told A-Yuan to find Lan Zhan. I think he also wrote some letters for the people invited there to read. A-Yuan started crying I think and yelling that Gold was bad (he was refering to the Jins because they tortured them on camps before).

Pov to Wen Qing and Wen Ning. They weren't aware that Wei Ying was going to destroy the Yin Tiger. I think Wei Ying told them to buy something or collect something. So while they were out Wei Ying started to destroy the Yin Tiger. Wen Qing senses something was wrong and hurriedly went back to the Burial Mounds. Time skip Wei Ying still dies (?) Wen Qing was trying to revive him until she passes out. Time skip again Lan Zhan Jiang Yanli Jin Zixuan came to the burial mounds, Jin Zixuan got shot by an arrow and was poisoned so Jiang Yanli find Wen Qing and beg at her to save her husband. I don't remember much but at some point they saw Wei Ying's corpse.

Last time I read it, it was still incomplete. I hope you can help me with this. Thank you @hellothere9597​

FOUND? #11 i think its a deleted fic. The title is When I'm Gone by qiankun_pouch . Its fit the description that are mentioned

~*~

12. Hi I'm looking for a fic where Wei ying is obessed with marrying a rich man, so he goes to parties with meng Yao looking for one..Meanwhile Lan Zhan his room mate is rich and hiding it. He detests those who seek money. They have chemistry. But Wei ying never wants to risk being back in poverty. And Lan Zhan he into him a lot but he doesn't want Wei ying to be with him for Money.Wen ning is also a roommate. @imgonnablogtheworldtodeath

~*~

13. Hello!! This is a fic finder request but first I have to let you know that ur all doing gods work and that I appreciate u all sm!!

Ok so im not sure if im doing this correctly but I’m looking for this fic that I lost where lwj almost dies in nightless city saving jyl. Lxc was able to save him by binding their souls together or smth at the last minute and then he hid lwj away in qinghe where he’s basically in a comatose state. Wwx thinks lwj is dead and blames himself and iirc he turns himself in at cr and gets whipped? Also lxc 100% blames wwx for lwj’s near death and pretty much hates him. I also remember that when lwj woke up and wwx saw him he went a little crazy and wouldn’t believe he was real

Again thank you all sm for your hard work!! @kitekichenqin​

FOUND? If I Could Go Back in Time by Runningbarefoot (M, 122k, WangXian, NieLan, Canon Divergence, Role Reversal, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, Grief/Mourning, Loss, YLLZ WWX, Eventual Happy Ending, The Twin Jade Brotherhood, Hurt/Comfort, Healing, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Twin Prides of Yúnmèng Dynamics, Slow Burn)

~*~

14. Hello! I am looking for this fic I read a reaaaaally long time ago. The only thing I remember is that wwx died but not really when he was on his way to jin lings one month celebration (ik it's really vague up till here) and wen ning takes him back and then goes to the banquet and talks with the main characters there privately. Thanks in advance! @la-diabla

FOUND? End Racism in the OTW | The Fire Lapping Up the Creek by notevenyou (E, 66k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Violence, Injury, Injury Recovery, Blood, Respiratory Illness, Major Illness, Fever, Grief/Mourning, Burial Mounds, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Hunger and food scarcity, Surgery, Fix-It of Sorts)  

~*~

15. During Gusu lectures LWJ and WWX spar and something sparks between them like dual cultivation? I think they were already in a relationship at that point, and during the spar they are giddy with the thrill of the fight and, feeling their energy circling, it gets them horny and they, pardon the crassness, jerk each other off in a hallway after they drag each other off the field. @gloriousclotpole

FOUND! 🧡 Stunted, Starving Juvenility by TomatenMark (E, 663k, WangXian, WIP, Fix-it of sorts, Talisman master WWX, Not JFM Friendly, Study Arc, Getting together, Fluff and Angst, Engagement)

~*~

16. hellooooo I've been looking for this fic but I can't find it all I remember is Thant lwj goes back in the past after wwx's death (during the cloud recess study arc) and it ends withe a threesome with him wwx and younger lz. also at the end he goes back to the futur to wait for 'his' wwx can you help ????? thanks for all that you do !!!!!✨✨✨✨✨✨

~*~

17. hii i was looking for this wangxian fic where I think they accidentally end up taking care of a-yuan? the only thing i remember from the fic is that around the end social services or cps take a-yuan away from wangxian for a day or two and then they have to go sign some papers before they can have a-yuan back. that's all i remember sorry 😭 i read it a long time ago maybe 2020/2021? I've been looking for it for ages and i can't find it, please help 🥺

FOUND? All those roads are pointing to you by jiejieaini (E, 81k, WangXian, Modern AU, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Drowning, Canonical Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bunnies, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Dubious Consent, Dom/sub Undertones, WangXian Get a Happy Ending, WangXian Have a Breeding Kink, Rimming, Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Marriage Proposal)

~*~

18. Zero idea if you still do this, but Im looking for a certain fanfic which is about lwj and wwx moving together i think because he was kicked out by madam yu, because he outed himself and I remember Lan Xichen being very supportive and even going back to the house to retrieve wwx‘s belongings and ofc lwj and wwx fall in love other the time course

FOUND? Found Family by fyredancer (T, 10k, WangXian, Modern AU, Fluff, Getting Together, POV Outsider, Dysfunctional Family, Coming Out, Bad Parenting, Protective Older Brothers, Protective Siblings)

FOUND? Where is home? by SpicyRamen_10969 (M, 42k, WIP, WangXian, Modern AU, High School, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Coming Out, Not Jiang Family Friendly, Supportive LQR, Good Sibling LXC, Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, JC Being an Asshole, Possible Smut?)

~*~

19. Hello, this is an FicFinder request.

I don't remember much, but it was a rare-pairing of WRH and WWX. I'm not sure if it was a time travel fic. When bunny was 14 or something, a water deity came from the waters of Yunmeng and told him of his powers/potentials. Bunny then was take. To kunlun mountain or smth like that and found out that he controlled the void, darkness, some elements as well. He meditated and became immortal and had lived for more than 200 years in another realm. In Yunmeng, he was still a kid and went to seclusion to complete his meditation or something. He also had a wife/lover in underworld and it was a mix of Greek mythology and others as well. @tinyfoxpeach

~*~

20. I particularly remember that it is a four part series with one fic rewritten. It's basically post burial mounds siege where wwx ascended to immortality, and lwj ascended after his 33 discipline whip punishment. Lwj's injuries were so grave that it carried to his ascension. It's not specified but lwj ends up in wwx's domain and wwx goes batshit after finding out what the lan sect did and confronted them. Mostly fluff and angst. @bananatoffeepie​

FOUND? Deity AU by crypticidentity (M, 5k, wangxian, hurt/comfort, madness, implied/Referenced character death, whipping, angst, protective WWX, BAMF WWX, deity WWX, deity LWJ) check all the tags before reading!

~*~

[tommyohnosworld]

i guess this is a more personal post? who knows. having autism sucks. having GAD sucks. it’s like.. the world’s perfect mixture of hell. recently my dad broke his foot, and he’s having surgery next week. as a result a lot has changed. my rides to school and work have changed, the times they pick me up have changed, the schedule of things have changed. also, my mom is living at home temporarily so she can care for him, and it’s all really confusing me.

the point is, my world is flipped upside down, around, and back up again. my anxiety has worsened, but i barley noticed it? all i felt was overstimulated, and irritated. i had to take a shower in the dark, which i haven’t had to do in a long time. i couldn’t put lotion on or conditioner in my hair because i felt like i needed to be “clean” of things on me. ive become irritated with my family and i hate it. since being anxious is my “resting state”, i couldn’t tell i felt anxious, but then i felt so angry at my mom and about taking care of my dad. which caused more guilt about why i felt that way in the first place. which caused more anxiety. it’s a fucking nightmare.

i just feel so jealous of people who can handle change so well. i feel so out of control and like i might meltdown at any second. i only ever meltdown if i am at the brink of something incredibly stressful and upsetting. so i know i probably won’t meltdown realistically, but everything feels so big? like im standing still, and everyone is running around me, bumping into me, moving on.

my psych put me on buspar, a take as needed med, along with my other med. i just feel so fucking mentally ill, and frustrated and angry that i need all this support, when everyone else can deal? why can’t i “deal” with this shit.

don’t know why i’m telling you guys. maybe some of you are ASD diagnosed, (i’m not but in the process-been waiting for four months to even get an appointment), or can relate on an ND/MH level.

[aroace-ventplace]

I don't know how to put this right. I really hate qprs, I hate how they're just pushed as "relationship for aspecs" not just in fandom but real life. I hate just the emphasis on lifelong friendships and alternative deep relationships. It drives me up a wall, this seeking out for relationships "equivelant" in depth and closeness to romantic partners without the romance or sex. Maybe this isn't me being aroace? Maybe I really am aplatonic also? But I can't stand the thought of suffering a relationship that suffocatingly close, that's how I knew I was aromantic and I feel like I'm going crazy every time I see other aros and aces lamenting and mourning never getting to have such a deep relationship. Familial relationshipd are the best, because they have a limit to their passive degredation. My cousin doesn't mind it's been 2 years since we talked she still invites me over to her house to see her and talk! Friends are already exhausting what on earth could possibly ever make someone want to deal with something even more than that! What's so appealing about it? What is it everyone even other aros see in these relationships that make them lament lacking them? I can't see anything but cons. It feels like when people get upset about a friendship ending, I'll never understand that drive. I've never felt expected to have a romance or sex life, but I've always felt expected to want an equivelant, to "not be alone" and I can't tell how much of it is subtler forms of amatonormativity and how much of it is just spectrum.... I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore...

i definitely relate to a lot of what you’re saying. the a-spectrum is so wide that constructs that are really important to one part of the community (like qprs) can make other people (non-partnering aros like myself) feel alienated all over again. this is a bit of a messy subject to tackle, but personally, the idea of being in a qpr fills me with the same kind of revulsion i feel towards being in a more “traditional” relationship. i’m genuinely happy for the aspecs who feel comfortable in qprs—it’s just not something that’ll ever fit me, and that boundary can sometimes feel a bit isolating in general aspec spaces.

i… can’t really discuss aplatonicism/friendships without bringing up the fact that i’m autistic (as are many aspec people). to me, autism feels like being an alien that’s forced to pretend to be human. i don’t understand other people, and most of them don’t understand me, and trying to keep up with them is exhausting; it’s easier for me to just keep my distance. i do have people i consider friends, but what i define as a “friendship” looks very different from what society expects it to be. as an autistic person, most of my relationships are less… “intense,” i guess. prolonged social interaction just isn’t something i’m suited for, and that’s how my brain works, and it’s fine—just like it’s fine how i don’t experience “romance” in the societally expected way.

sorry for the rambling; if nothing else, i hope it at least helped you feel like there’s someone else out there who’s experiencing the same things as you. best of luck!!

[sleepy-bi666]

incorrect quotes for my mcstm dr to cope and connect

Ivor: Why am I the bad guy? Aiden: I don't know, why am I the pretty one? We all have our thing.

---

Jesse: My expectations are low, but they can always go lower.

---

Ivor: Where's Lukas? Aiden: Don't worry, I'll find them. Aiden, shouting: Jesse sucks! Lukas, distantly: Jesse is the best person ever! Fuck you! Aiden: Found them.

---

Petra: I failed my safety training course today. Lukas: Why, what happened? Petra: Well one of the questions was "In case of a fire, what steps would you take?" Lukas: And? Petra: Well apparently "FUCKING LARGE ONES" isn't an acceptable answer.

---

Lukas: They called me the B-word. Axel: Motherfucker doesn’t start with ‘b’.

(this is so canon)

---

Lukas, talking about Jesse/Me: WHAT THE FUCK I WAS ARGUING WITH THEM AND I SAID “OOH YOU WANNA KISS ME SO BAD” AND GUESS WHAT? THEY DID. THEY KISSED ME. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT DO I DO.

---

Jesse/Me: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms. So when they turn around, I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me.

---

Aiden: I have a problem. Ivor: Kill it. Aiden: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

---

Olivia: One time I went to hand Aiden a bowl of soup. I wanted to say “Careful, it’s hot!”, and “Here’s your soup!”, so instead I blurted out “Careful it’s soup.”

---

Lukas: I’m sad. Jesse/Me: Don’t be sad, because sad backwards is das. Jesse/Me: And das not good.

---

Olivia: Is something burning? Petra: My burning love for you of course! Olivia: … Petra: … Petra: And the kitchen is on fire…

(i know what you are 0-0)

---

Ivor: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Ivor lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

---

Axel: Ooh, somebody has a crush Lukas: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Jesse I just think they’re cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about them. *Later that night* Lukas, very much awake: Uh oh.

---

Axel: Guys, I have a question. Jesse/Me: kys <3 Axel: I love you too. Lukas: Ah, yes. Siblings.

---

Jesse/Me: Are you coming to bed? Lukas: I can't. This is important. Jesse/Me: What? Lukas: Someone is wrong on the internet.

---

Jesse/Me: Respect my trans homies or I’m gonna identify as a fucking problem.

(i am trans. so)

---

Lukas: Why do you hang out with me? Jesse/Me: You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me! Lukas: … Lukas: I feel a bit sorry for you.

---

Axel: Advice of the day kids, if you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color then they are a certified nerd. Petra: Yeah but you have to specify, frost glacier or cool blue? You can’t just say blue because there’s more than one blue. Axel: Blue and light blue, nice try nerd.

---

Petra: Okay, what does A stand for? Jesse/Me: Arson. Petra: Aw, you're so good. Okay! B! What does B stand for? Jesse/Me: Barson. Ivor: *laughter* Petra: What stands for C? Jesse/Me: Commit arson. Ivor: Oooo. Petra: D! Jesse/Me: Don't come near me, I'm going to commit arson. Ivor: *more laughter*

---

Axel: Hey do you wanna hang out this weekend? Lukas: Generic excuse. Axel: I can’t believe you said that out loud, to my face. Lukas: I can.

---

Jesse/Me: When I first got my autism diagnosis, my first thought was “woah… it’s canon” and I think that maybe thoughts like that is why Olivia made me get tested.

---

Petra: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity? Ivor, turning to Axel: How tall are you?

---

Ivor: So, did everyone learn their lesson? Petra: No. Axel: I did not. Lukas: I may have actually forgotten one. Jesse/Me: Also no. Ivor: Oh good, neither did I. Olivia: *Exhausted sigh*

---

Lukas: You have an impressive pain tolerance. Jesse/Me: Thanks, it's the trauma.

(please this is so me)

---

Jesse/Me: If I die, my funeral will be the biggest party ever and you're all invited. Petra: "If" Axel: Great, the only party I'm ever invited to and they might not even die.

[eggtrolls]

Congrats on being done tapering! If it's not too personal, can I ask what made you decide to rawdog life? I'm on a daily med rn, and can't really imagine being able to manage life without it, 'cause it gave me my brain back. I don't know if I will always feel like I want to take this med forever, or if I want to only take it for a while and then try my hand at life unmedicated again, but I am interested to hear about your decision making process!

I’m on day 5 of no meds and so far my head/life hasn’t exploded. I’m answering this with the strictest caveat that this is just my experience, if it doesn’t apply to your scenario, then don’t take it to heart, use critical thinking skills (old woman shakes fist at sky), etc.

N/B: I’m very lucky that my withdrawal side effects have been really minor — it’s mainly that I’m HUNGRY. This medication has some minor appetite suppressant side effects but, other than that, I can’t say that I’ve noticed any real consequences. My dose was very, very low since I’ve been tapering for a while but it’ll be a while before it’s fully out of my system so I’ll check back in maybe a month.

Background: I started taking medication (daily oral non-SSRI anti-depressant; happy to get into the details in a DM) when I was in my mid twenties and I’m now in my early thirties. My life now is completely, radically different from where it was. My external circumstances (high pressure environment, low grade abusive relationship, brand new place with no real friends or support system) are completely different. But also my internal circumstances (lack of emotional regulation, lack of self worth reinforced by abusive relationship, limited control over life and actions in general, not great relationship with family, pretty much broke) are very, very different. And changing the internal circumstances is a big part of the regular emotional maintenance grind: therapy, meds, eating the bitter greens (sometimes literally, sometimes in the form of exercise, actual self care, doing things that are otherwise hard, etc.), and so on. I haven’t been standing still while taking meds; I have been actively working on becoming a mentally healthier person.

For my specific mental health circumstances (I don’t have ADHD/autism), I view things like therapy and medication in the same way that I do PT — something you do to respond to an injury/trauma/whatever. For me, personally, the default state is one of health. It actually corresponds quite well with my recent foot injury from taekwondo: my foot was okay; I got hurt, I needed to change how I walked and used my foot and external support to help make those changes; gradually my foot healed; I was able to remove the external support(s).

Present: I started thinking about tapering off my medication when I was at the dentist and they asked if I take any medications and I said I take a daily multivitamin and [antidepressant] but not for depression - I haven’t met the criteria for depression in years - but for what my psychiatrist calls “health maintenance”. So then it’s like….what’s the point? What am I getting from this that I couldn’t provide for myself? And tapering down from my full dose to half of that, to half of that, showed me that the current reality is, without meds, I am capable of maintaining my mental health.

What makes me feel okay about going off my medication and leaving therapy is the same as what makes me feel okay not walking around in a boot anymore: I can put the boot back on if something happens. I have my podiatrist’s number the same way I have my therapist and psychiatrist’s numbers. I also have a much, much more robust social circle of people than I did when I started on meds. I have built layer upon layer of safety nets for myself. I think you, and most people, probably can do that, too, regardless of what your menty h situation is.

Future/reflections: I will say that this medication did or at least helped save my life when I started taking it but…it’s kind of like if you’re drowning and someone throws you a life preserver from the shore — you still have to grab it, put it on, and swim to land. And where I think a lot of people get stuck is the ‘swim to land’ part. They put the life preserver on and float, rather than swim. They’re no longer drowning - this is good! But they’re still getting buffeted by currents, they might get hit by a boat, there might be sharks, and the water is cold. They have been treading water, trying not to sink, for years. They are exhausted. And therefore many people feel like they have to keep going with the external supports of medications, therapy, whatever their thing is, because they do. Saying ‘why aren’t you swimming’ is not helpful which is why I’m not doing that and why this is in no way prescriptive.

(And here’s the gag: I was that person! It took me the better part of a decade to get to this point where I’m hauling my carcass up on dry land. If someone tells me I don’t “get it” because I’m sooooooo mentally well adjusted and shouldn’t talk about experiences of XYZ symptom of depression, I will kick them very, very hard)

To continue the metaphor, I also know that the shore I’m swimming to - that I’ve finally arrived at - is not the same as the one I left, and that’s fine. My foot is not the same as it was pre-injury and that’s also fine. But unlike my foot, I don’t want to return to where I was pre-meds/therapy a) because it’s not a halcyon, golden age where nothing hurts and everything is beautiful; b) because that’s where I was when I ended up needing therapy and meds in the first place; c) because that’s not even possible, but mostly d) because I found and built something better than before.