#maybe in a perfect world where’s he’s mentally healthy

[employee1618152017]

[thewatcher727]

Writing Description Notes: Mental Pain

Updated 3rd June 2024 More description notes

The hallucinations were the same as being tortured for real, all of the emotions, all of the trauma, and none of the empathy that would come with such a real life ordeal.

There was something in that shout, a pain behind it. John watched. He watched Jane’s eyes. Then he knew. The anger was nothing but a shield for pain, like a cornered soldier randomly throwing out grenades, scared for his life, lonely, desperate. He breathed in real slowly. What if nothing blew up? What if there were no consequences? Wouldn't John have to calm down? Wouldn't the shield clatter to the ground and let the pain tumble out?

John sees Jane. He does. He sees pain in her eyes. It has sat there for her lifetime, trapped in the confusion we all carry. He sees love too, the love she would have given were it not for the scars. It's still there, and one day he will set her free. John is not perfect, yet he loves her, and he knows what love means. He asks for a chance to find his feet, to stop his own head from spinning, and he will prove it. There is so much of her life that is a hell for her soul, and she stays there from strength rather than weakness, he knows. So he wants to join her in that pain, walk with her, feel the same torture he knows she bears. And one day, he will find just the right way to bring her home, his love.

Jane's emotional pain seeps out in her words, and it hurts John to hear them, hurts to read them. He senses what is inside that troubles her, yet also there is so much goodness there too—bravery, tenacity. She holds on like a fighter, every morning rising at the ringing of "the bell." All he can offer her is a brighter horizon, a hope that one day she will be free of all this. One day there will be choice, freedom, and security of food, shelter on a healthy Earth. 

Emotional pain leaves invisible scars, yet they can be traced by the most gentle of touch.

Nobody wants to hurt, yet if John's pains can be used to help others, he feels blessed. Anyhow, perhaps his scars are his road-map; maybe he would be lost without them.

He turned towards him, a pained expression plastered across his face, teeth clenched as he tried to steady his breathing.

Gripping the ground as hard as he could to take some of the pain away.

It was as if a thousand needles of doubt and self-loathing were piercing her heart with each passing moment, leaving behind a tapestry of scars that only she could see.

It was as though a veil of sadness had been draped over her eyes, distorting her perception of the world and casting everything in shades of gray.

The weight of sorrow was a constant companion, pressing down on his shoulders until he felt he might collapse under its burden.

Her mind was a battlefield, each thought a landmine ready to explode with memories she wished she could forget.

The storm inside his head raged on, a relentless barrage of thoughts and fears that left him feeling exhausted and defeated.

It was as if a dark cloud had settled over his soul.

Her chest felt hollow, a yawning emptiness where joy and peace once resided, now replaced by a gnawing ache.

His mind was a prison denying him the freedom to live fully.

She felt like she was drowning in an ocean of despair, every attempt to surface met with another wave of hopelessness.

Every laugh felt hollow, every smile forced, as if she were playing a role in a play she didn't want to be in.

She felt like a ghost, wandering through life unnoticed, her pain invisible to everyone but herself.

The nights were the worst, when the darkness outside matched the darkness within, and sleep was a distant dream.

It was like a fire burning within, consuming all that was good and leaving behind nothing but ashes of what used to be.

The pain was a silent scream, a cry for help that no one could hear.

[benz12313]

Love's Surprise Pt. 1 - Ridoc x Reader

{Images are not my own}

Summary: You and Ridoc have been dating for months now, and he's been missing all day. What could he possibly have planned for your first Valentine's Day together?

Warnings: fluff, that's it - just fluff

Part 2/2 - 🌶️

Author's Note: This ended up being WAY longer than I meant it to, and I can't wait to upload part two, which will get spicy. I hope you like part one though!

Word Count: 3,466

My back hurt from flight maneuvers this morning as Draka had decided that today was the perfect day to spring a new move on me…without informing me that they were doing so. I nearly lost my seat, but with grit, determination, and a healthy amount of luck I was able to keep it. However, I ended up with what felt like a massive bruise on my back from the moment where I nearly lost it. 

Chores at 5am this morning kicked my ass too, scrubbing floors as penance for a prank that my loving boyfriend dragged me into last minute. How should I have known that he’d cooked up something particularly nasty for Dain to run into? I thought he’d been clinging to me as per usual. 

But no. He’d been using me as an alibi, and gotten me roped into his punishment with him. If he wasn’t so cute, apologizing and promising to make it up to me later, I might’ve been mad at him. Damn Ridoc and his puppy dog eyes, always sweet-talking the anger right out of me. 

Speaking of the man, he’d been suspiciously missing all day. No flight maneuvers. No battle brief. No history. The last time I’d seen him was right after we’d finished scrubbing. He’d given me a chaste kiss and apologized again before dragging Sawyer off with him to “prepare something”. What that something was? No clue. Sawyer was back by battle brief, with no Ridoc in tow. 

At this point I didn’t really care either. It’s Friday. I was done for the week, and I wanted nothing more than to shower. Let the water run over my tired and aching muscles, maybe curl up with a good book after, and then go in my dorm and hide from the world. Maybe go find Ridoc. But if I knew my boyfriend, he’d find me long before I could find him, and with the distance he had today, it wouldn’t be long until he was seeking me out. 

Was I worried about what he was up to? Slightly. Was I more worried that he was about to drag me into another of his masterful pranks? Definitely. 

“Hey! Y/N!” Violet’s voice rang down the hall and I turned to see her jogging to catch up, a bright grin on her face as she made it to my side. “Xaden said that package came in! You know, the one you had me order a few weeks ago?” She winked conspiratorially and I blank-faced. Package? What package again? 

“Huh?” I asked, and her eyes widened as she finally took in my form. Mud up to my shins. Leathers looking dirty and ragged, definitely needing a fresh wash. Scratches on my hands, and back slumping as I tried to take the pressure off it. My hair was definitely a mess, and I felt like I could barely keep my eyes open. 

“Damn Y/L/N, are you…alright?” She asked, biting her lip and worry washing over her. 

“Yeah, just penance chores and Draka being difficult during flight training.” I sighed. 

‘You need to be prepared Brave One,’Draka’s voice echoed in my head, ‘It is for both of our sakes. The Silver One and Tairn demand worthy riders to follow them into battle.’

'I know. I know.’ I relented mentally. ‘Why did I have to be bonded to the one dragon with a case of hero worship?’  She chuffed mentally, and I had to fight off a smirk. 

“Think she’ll let up on you?” Violet asked and I raised an eyebrow at her and let out a chuckle. 

“Would Tairn let up on you?” I asked and she laughed. 

“Touché.” She relented. “But the package, you know what day it is right?” 

“Ugh? Friday?” I asked, suddenly feeling stupid. What day was it?

“Wow I guess Ridoc didn’t need to worry after all.” She laughed, and then shook her head. “It’s Valentine’s Day Y/N.” 

My eyes widened in shock and then suddenly, I really did feel stupid. How could I have forgotten, when that’s all Ridoc had talked about for the last two weeks! “Shit!” I hissed, shaking my head. “You said it arrived? Where?” I looked her over, but surely the package wouldn’t fit in her small pack. 

“Dropped it off in your room.” She said grinning wide again. “Figured it’d be easiest to leave it there for later.” She winked and I laughed. 

“Thanks Vi, you’re the best. Seriously.” I said, and she smiled wide. “Speaking of my boyfriend though, where’s he been off to today?”

“Oh is the Princess finally realizing her boyfriend is missing is she?” Sawyer asked teasingly as he merged into our slow pace, heading towards the dorms. 

“Shut up, you don’t have nickname privileges Sawyer.” I teased. “But yeah, know where he is?” 

“No clue, he ditched me after I dared to…oh how did he say it? ‘Impose upon his creative vision.’ ” He chuckled, shaking his head. “I told him you’d like it if he gave you a damn rock, but he wasn’t convinced.”

“You know how he is with her.” Violet chided, and I shook my head.

“Like a damn puppy?” Sawyer asked. 

“No, like he’s in love with her!” Rhiannon quipped, and I laughed, despite my heart lurching at the words. The words that we definitely hadn’t said to each other yet. 

“You don’t even know who we’re talking about.” I grumbled and Rhi laughed. 

“Puppy? That blush on your face? It’s obvious we’re talking about Ridoc here, c’mon.” She laughed at the incredulous look on my face. “Dude follows you around like you’re a divine being and you’ll grant him some immortal gift. There’s no possible way we could be talking about anyone else.” 

“Fine. Have any of you, other than Sawyer, seen my boyfriend?” I asked. 

“No, but I would get cleaned up though, I think he planned to have it all done by six.” Rhiannon said, but Sawyer shook his head. 

“Seven. The ugh-“ He side-glanced me, “Well, it was a little more difficult than originally planned. And Aotrom decided to take matters into his own hands, or claws I guess.” Sawyer chuckled and my eyes narrowed. 

“What does Aotrom have to do with it?” I asked, and all three of them blanched. 

“Please don’t ask. He’ll be pissed if we let it slip. He’s been planning this since you guys got together.” We got together six months ago? Just before threshing?! Sawyer groaned. “And he’ll blame it on me.”

“Because you’re the only one who was supposed to know, but then you came blabbing to us!” Violet teased and Sawyer groaned again. 

“Just…please don’t ask.” Sawyer begged and I laughed. 

“Whatever, I’m gonna go get ready for my date? I guess?” I said and they all nodded. 

“Date works.” They agreed, and I nodded, lifting my hand as a goodbye as I turned to enter my room. Closing the door behind me, I immediately saw the brown parcel containing the items I’d ordered and smiled. While some would have to wait for later, there were things I could definitely use right now. 

A few hours later and I was once again sitting in my room, waiting for Ridoc, who still had yet to show. Yet, not an ounce of me was worried, because it’s Ridoc. He’s probably the only person on this entire campus that I trust with 100% of my everything. The man could take my hand, tell me to jump off a cliff with him and all he would have to do to convince me would be to ask me to trust him. And I would. Gods, I really would. 

A sudden urgent knocking, or rather, pounding at the door dragged me from my thoughts, and I jumped up to get the door. I’d barely taken in the sight of Ridoc (his hair an absolute mess, what little exposed skin that was showing was covered in a thin sheet of sweat, and he was shaking), when he pulled me into the hallway and into his arms, squeezing me tightly into a hug and burying his head into my neck and littering kisses along the exposed skin. 

I giggled, and then moaned when he suddenly sucked a bit of skin between his teeth. “Ridoc stop it, we’re in the hall.” I whined as he pulled back, and I was nearly knocked off my feet by the look of absolute adoration he was giving me. 

“Sorry Princess, couldn’t help myself. By the way…Happy Valentine’s Day Y/N.” His grin made my heart stutter, then stop. So consuming, so warm, so..completely, Ridoc. 

“Happy Valen-AHH!” I screeched as he suddenly picked me up, spinning me around like he does anytime he gets too excited to contain himself. Which is often, and I’m definitely still not used to it. I groaned as the pain from the bruise that had indeed bloomed on my back hit, his grip a tad too tight on the sensitive skin. And why was he so fucking cold?!

He immediately stopped, letting me down and looking worried. I gave him a sheepish look. “Nothing big, got a bruise during flight practice today. Not your fault, you didn’t know.” 

“You sure you’re okay.” He looked worried for all of a moment before I nodded and then he was giving me a flirty wink and a panty soaking grin. “Good, because after what I’ve got planned for tonight I was reaaaally hoping we’d come back and have a little fun together.” He waggled his eyebrows as I giggled. Wait. Come back?

“Are we going somewhere?” I asked and he nodded excitedly. 

“I made a surprise for you.” He said, and I raised my eyebrows. 

“I assume that’s why you’re freezing and look like you’ve been working with your signet all day?” I asked and he nodded again. 

“But no more hints, Aotrom is excited and waiting for us.” I raised my eyebrows. “Yeah you heard that right Princess, Aotrom has decided to let you ride on him today…. and only today.” He looked like he added that bit on Aotrom’s request, as they were obviously conversing together now. “He’s as excited as I am though, he’s been helping me all day.”

“Let’s go before I start asking more questions.” His grin took my breath away as he leaned in. 

“Probably best.” He muttered, before sweeping me into an all-consuming kiss, that was entirely too inappropriate for the public hallway. I didn’t have the heart to stop him though, and I knew I never would. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘I’m sorry I ever doubted your flying skills!’ I thought at Draka, who snorted. 

‘Glad I finally get some recognition.’ Being so far away messed with me, even though they were still a five minute flight away, hunting in the mountains. 

‘Seriously, how does Ridoc deal with this?!’ 

‘Aotrom is a very…spirited dragon.’ They weren’t kidding, that’s for sure. The way Aotrom flew felt downright reckless compared to how Draka flew. I couldn’t tell if he was showing off or trying to kill me. ‘He wouldn’t dare endanger what’s mine.’ Draka hissed in my mind. If Ridoc wasn’t here I would have fallen off by now, that’s for sure. I wasn’t quite as certain he wasn’t trying to kill me. 

Ridoc’s grip on my hip though, rubbing little circles into my skin? Steadying me and holding me to his chest as his other hand gripped the pummel of his dragon? It had my heart racing for reasons other than his dragon’s reckless flying. Maybe his goal was to make me so grateful I was still alive that whatever he’d planned for me would seem amazing on principle. Whatever, I couldn’t really find myself caring. Just wanting to touch land as well as kiss Ridoc. I’d been yearning to put my lips back on his since back in the hallway where he’d kissed me like he was gonna take me, right then and there.

I kinda wished he had. 

But even with his dragon’s insane flying, the biting cold of the February air whipping through my hair, and my choice of clothing beneath my flight jacket making me question my choices; I felt undeniably warm and safe in the arms of the man I called my own. And I wanted to see what he’d spent so much time planning and then energy executing. He was tired, that much was obvious, but he was here, and my heart beat in my chest at the thought. He always sacrificed so much, just to see me smile. 

I wish I could tell him that I love him. It was the only thing I couldn’t get myself to say, though it’d been on the tip of my tongue for weeks. Irrational fear held me back, held my tongue, telling me it was too early, too soon, that I couldn’t possibly know that this is true love. A million different reasons to tell me to just keep my mouth shut. To hold those three words in, until the time was right. Whatever the fuck that means. 

Soon we were landing, Ridoc holding me tighter to him as we were jostled about, and then helping me down once we’d made dry land. Well, other than the snow, so I guess, mostly dry land. The snow crunched below our boots, but I hadn’t made it three steps before Ridoc covered my eyes with his hands. 

I chuckled, kind of expecting it. After all, Ridoc never did anything in halves. Full commitment kind of guy, whether it be a prank or a surprise, he always put in his best. 

“Okay Y/N, let me lead you through here, and then I’ll uncover your eyes, promise.” His voice was laced with childlike glee, as he held me steady towards whatever he wanted me to see. There was rushing water nearby, deafeningly loud, maybe a river? Or a waterfall? I couldn’t really tell. But that was my only hint other than when the air shifted, from biting cold with wind to…surprisingly warm. Not enough to strip my jacket or anything, but warm enough for my nose to stop tingling. 

It was only a few steps later when he let go, and my jaw dropped as I spun, trying to take everything in all at once. We were in a cave behind a…waterfall? That had to be right, but where running water should be, was a giant ice wall, shining and shimmering, but standing resolute and protecting the rest of the cave from the mist that should be pouring in. Good thing too because spread around the large space were a bunch of different torches, and the center of the room was a large ice bowl, with a roaring fire inside. And between the torches? Half a dozen life-size dragon figures. Not just any dragons…Iron Squad’s dragons. In astonishing detail, and shimmering differently than his normal ice figures did. Shock overcame me when realization hit. 

“You finally achieved permafrost?!” I asked whipping around to see him hanging by the cave’s entrance, smiling warmly at me. 

“I’ve only been working at it for the last month. Achieved it last night.” He said, and I smiled wider. 

“This control though! These are amazing babe!” I said and he chuckled walking forward, taking my hand and leading me around the backside of the fire, where I could now see a picnic basket, a large cushion big enough for both of us and a thick blanket. 

“The waterfall was the hardest part, and the outside has already melted.” He sighed, frowning slightly at the waterfall as my jaw dropped. 

“You froze the entire waterfall?!” I asked as he pulled me down into his lap. 

“You say that like I did something impossible.” He brushed me off but his self-satisfied smirk betrayed his act of playing coy. 

I brushed his messy curls out of his face, and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. “Nothing seems to be impossible for you. I’ve definitely learned that in these last few months together. This is definitely repayment for chores this morning, and then some.” I giggled, looking around to see that he’d hung icicles from the ceiling as well, some as long pillars and then some as teardrops, all of them creating kaleidoscopes of light across the ceiling and walls. “Let me guess, Aotrom lit the fires.”

“And kept me warm. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to-“ He stopped, face going sheepish as he saw the pout and minor glare forming on my face. “Don’t give me that look, I promise I didn’t take it too far.”

“Just almost too far.” I accused and he chuckled nervously. 

“Riiight. Also this is just for Valentine’s, I still have to make up for chores.” He assured me, making me roll my eyes. 

I looked around again, my heart easing. “It really is beautiful.”

“Well you seem to love my ice so much, I figured I’d make a grand gesture. Plus s’mores!” He announced, opening the picnic basket, where chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers sat, as well as two metal rods. 

“Makes more sense now.” He gave me a confused look. “Why you enlisted Sawyer’s help.” His eyes darkened and I realized my mistake. “He didn’t say anything, I swear! I only asked him where you were because I saw you drag him off this morning.” 

“Hmm,” He paused before kissing my nose. “Fine, Sawyer is spared, just this once.”

I laughed and pulled out the sticks. “Let’s get roasting, yeah?”

“Anything you wish Love.” The word pounded through my head, and stopped my heart. It was new, and made my cheeks go crimson. But I definitely didn’t hate it, in fact, it had completely the opposite effect, making my stomach flip and my core go molten. 

“And I-I wish for s’mores.” I said, and if he noticed the effect it had on me, he hadn’t said a thing, just lifted up the marshmallows for me to load our sticks. 

We caught up over marshmallows and chocolate, and I gave him a rundown of my day. He licked off every stray bit of chocolate that happened to escape my mouth, and the third time it happened, he’d sent me into a giggling fit so violent, we’d both ended up on our backs laughing. He wrapped an arm around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder, and we stared up at the light dancing across the icicles. 

He’d been oddly silent for a while. In fact, this entire night he’d been much quieter than normal, and it was starting to concern me a bit. 

“I need to tell you something Y/N.” He whispered finally, and I turned to look at him but he tightened his hold on me. “Don’t. Keep looking at the lights while I muster up the courage here.”

He sounded nervous, which…honestly I’d never actually heard him nervous before. Even when Violet proposes some absurd plan. Even when he asked me to be his. He’d never sounded nervous. 

“Okay…can’t say you’re not putting me on edge here.” I whispered back but did what he asked, finding his hand and squeezing it for support. 

“I-I…it’s just…I’ve tried writing it out…practicing with Sawyer…and I lost myself in the details of all this because I didn’t…don’t know how to say it.” He whispered, emotion catching in his throat as realization hit me. I knew what he was about to say. Knew, only because I could suddenly feel it in every single chunk of ice around me. 

“I just wanna say-“ I cut him off. 

“I love you Ridoc.” I whispered. He froze. And then suddenly he was on top of me, laughing and looking so bewildered. 

“There is no WAY you just stole my thunder!!” He said, tickling me and making me squirm. “I fucking love you brat!”

“Well you were taking to long-“

“I’m sorry my confessions of love take too long for you!” He teased, tickling me until I could barely breath, only then did he stop. His mouth hovering above my own and eyes dancing with delight. “You really love me though?”

“Of course Ridoc,” I muttered, his mouth looking even more inviting as the words really sank in. He loves me too. “Even without all this, I already love you. Now…I still have my gift to give to you.” I whispered, brushing my lips across his, but pulling out of his reach when he tried to kiss me properly. “But, it’s back in my room.”

His eyes darkened. He smirked. Then he hummed, like he was thinking it over before speaking. “Okay love, let’s go see what you have cooked up then.”

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@xadenswhore @littlemissmelodie @jobroho @worldsanna @uneducatedraccoon @nicksolemnlyswears @binksbrewcrew

[heeseungiez]

RESOLUTION 3) become popular at school

pairings! park jay x fem!reader, sim jake x reader, mentions of heeseung x reader

synopsis! park jay always thought of you as the annoying little miss perfect who could do no wrong in the eyes of his, yours and heeseung’s parents. he wasn’t fond of you in the slightest for that very reason. but when you dropped the act after your perfect image had shattered in front of everyone, he can’t help but feel drawn to you. when he discovers another one of your secrets, he thinks he might truly have to ruin you for the whole world to know how far from perfect you truly are.

content warnings! smut (mdni! 18+), swearing, all of them are idiots, heeseung is desperate and so is jay low-key

word count! ~12k

taglist! OPEN! send an ask to be added!

a/n! i have no idea how the last part's gonna turn out i'll be very honest

masterlist | next

Good morning, Decelis!

Have you ever looked at someone and thought: “Wow, what a sad little life they lead.” Well, that’s how I feel like looking at Park Jay these days. What’s he up to anyway?

XO, Miss Decelis

Jay hated it here.

The one place where he was to be safe from you, his home, had been invaded not just by your family, but you as well. 

Okay, maybe, obviously, since his parents wanted to have a huge barbecue with the other families, but still, seeing you at his backyard made him want to dig himself a hole in the ground and stay there forever. Especially when he saw the adoring looks on his parents faces whenever they regarded you.

“We are so happy you’re healthy, Y/N,” his father said. 

His mum couldn’t keep her hands off of you, placing them on your shoulders, then cheeks to examine you. “When we heard what happened, we tried to help as much as we could.”

“And you did,” you replied with a bright smile, softly pushing his mum’s hands away from you without voicing out your discomfort at the excessive skinship. “My parents told me I was staying at your summer house in the summer?” And that you got me into the rehabilitation centre I went to.”

Well, Jay did not know that. She lived at his family’s summer house? In one of the guest rooms, he supposed. But did she snoop? Jay didn’t have that much stuff in there, but some personal things could be found here and there. He shifted in his place uncomfortably.

“Yes. That is true. But we still felt like we could do more,” Jay’s father sighed, glancing at his son. “We didn’t imagine Jay would ever let anything like this happen to you.”

And look, he probably wouldn’t. He might’ve disliked you, but what happened was fucked up and had he been there to witness it, he’d help you. Of course, he’d help you, he’s not a monster. But he wasn’t there because the last thing he wanted to do was to be stuck to your side at a party. You had your own friends.

Yet it still ate at him from the inside. 

The thing was, although Heeseung was the oldest of the four of you, getting him to actually care about something was as difficult as trying to turn a stone into a living being. So it was up to Jay to look after everyone as the second oldest. But with you, he didn’t want to do it because you annoyed him.

How? Well, this. The way his parents were fussing over you because Jay’s mum always wanted to have a daughter and apparently you were the next best thing. Plus, you were a star student and just perfection incarnate to the point literally nobody even considered the fact that you were bullied. If Jay had known, he would’ve put a stop to it before it could get any worse.

Which he also hated. That he didn’t know about it. It pissed him off that you kept it a secret and didn’t tell anyone just to remain a little miss perfect in the eyes of everyone rather than admitting that there was something wrong and you needed help. 

You glanced at him. Pursing your lips, you shook your head. “I’m sure he wouldn't if he knew,” you replied because you knew Jay well enough. 

He disliked you, but he never let you get hurt physically. Even mentally, it was mostly Jay giving you the cold shoulder rather than being an actual dick the way Heeseung had been. So while Heeseung would watch you fall just so you understood he wanted to have nothing to do with you, Jay would try to catch you.

And really, it wasn’t just his caring nature at this point. You were just so… irritating in a way Jay couldn’t describe because despite Jay’s insistence to ignore you, you’d always show up with something to get his attention over the years.

When you were thirteen, you gifted Jay a pick because you heard he liked playing the guitar.

When you were fifteen, you spent your entire savings just to gift Jay a guitar he couldn’t shut up about a few months before. That was how desperate you were for his acceptance. But it also came from a genuine, generous place in your heart where you liked to see the stunned expression on Jay’s face and the inability to hold in the smile forming on his lips.

And then at sixteen, you had heard Jay complain about losing his favourite pick somewhere in school, only for you to turn up some hours later with the pick in hand, saying that you found it on the desk of some girl in your class because she was boasting about having stolen it from the Park Jay.

“You’re too sweet, Y/N,” Jay’s mum said, grinning. “Is there anything you need now?”

“I’m good, Mrs Park, but thank you.” You shook your head, before bowing out of the conversation to join Jeonghyeon’s side again. Jay watched you bump his shoulder with a smile.

“Look after her, yeah? Clearly, she’s been through a lot.” Jay’s father approached him, patting his shoulder. 

Jay nodded. “I know, dad,” he said. “I’m trying. But we don’t share all classes.” It surprised him how bitter he sounded about it. That he couldn’t keep his eyes on you at all times. But there were many classes you had with Heeseung. 

And Jake.

The boy who had been dreamily staring at you this whole time while you mingled with the others. But they knew why. Every single time Jake would get lost at school, Jay, Heeseung and Sunghoon knew exactly where they would most likely find him (or preferably not).

“Maybe you could keep her company at the annual Sim family event for Jake. It’s coming, and I know neither of you boys usually bring dates. So take Y/N. Look after her,” Jay’s father suggested with a pointed look. It wasn’t a command, but Jay wished it had been because then he could ask you and pretend he didn’t want to.

“Yeah, dad, I will.”

But when Jay glanced at you again, laughing at something Jeonghyeon had said, he had to take a deep breath and tell himself that your face did not look angelic in the sunlight nor that your laugh was the loveliest song he had ever heard. Perhaps he could even will his guitar into repeating that exact same sound — no.

And maybe Miss Decelis would finally have something normal to say about him then, instead of constantly talking shit about his business. Seriously, calling his life sad? Who the fuck was this person to attack him like this? Had he done something to them?

It’s like now that they couldn’t attack you, they switched up to Jay and his lack of anything. But he blamed you for that. Most of his actions were driven by spite, and he could hardly be spiteful if you barely looked at him, could he? And it wasn’t his fault that he could not stop thinking of the day of Changbin’s party when he could quite literally see your boobs because your strap was falling off. Or the fact that he knew Heeseung did something shortly before even without Miss Decelis’ report.

He didn’t even realise you were standing in front of him until you spoke up. “Look, I know you don’t like me and whatever, but you don’t need to keep glaring at me,” you said, unimpressed. 

“I’m not glaring at you,” Jay responded with the same energy, looking you in the eye. “But are you going to Jake’s birthday party with someone?” he asked sarcastically, since the birthday party was more of a boast event for Jake’s parents to show off their amazing son.

“Uh, with Jeonghyeon and Hanbin?” you replied with a raised brow, confused as to why Jay would ask you this. And although Jay knew it was impossible for you to go with Jake as he was very much going to be a decorative doll tagging along with his parents the whole day, he was relieved you didn’t say he asked you to go with him. “I guess Hanbin said he’s going with some other friends, Sunoo and Jungwon? So maybe just Jeonghyeon… which also means Hee—”

“Go with me.” Jay didn’t let you finish the sentence. It made sense you would go with Jeonghyeon and Heeseung together since they were family, but Jay didn’t like to hear that either way. Whatever Heeseung’s deal with you was, Jay thought it would be better to keep you away from him. As far away as possible.

“Why?” Of course, you’d ask that.

“Because I said so.” Jay shrugged. “Is that so hard to understand?” He rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, duh?”

“Just go with me, Y/N,” Jay sighed, running a hand through his hair. He had no proper explanation for why he wanted you to go. He could say his father ordered him to do so, but you would most certainly say no in that case. And he didn’t know what force in the world actually made him want you to say yes.

“And what will I get out of it?” you asked, crossing your arms. “I imagine you might finally get Miss Decelis to say something nice about you again, but what is in it for me?”

“A thank you?” Jay offered seriously. “For everything. Not just going with me, but also all that you’ve done for me in the past while trying to befriend me. Because I do remember every single thing. Especially last year, when you brought back my pick. Honestly, I wanted to thank you then, but I was just… too stunned to speak, you could say. I still have the pick you gave me, too, and the guitar.”

“Yeah, I’d bet  you wouldn’t throw that guitar away. It cost almost as much as a whole Porsche,” you scoffed.

But Jay ignored you, pulling out the pick you gave him when you were kids from his wallet instead. “And what about this? Why do you think I wouldn’t throw this away?” he asked, shaking his head. “Look, I’m sorry for being a dick, but you were so—”

“Perfect?” you supplied for him. “See, that’s the funny thing. I used to think that being perfect would make people like me, but instead, what I got was you and Heeseung being assholes, and being thrown into a pool. I don’t even know why I tried so hard.”

“It’s our nature to want to be liked,” Jay said wisely, shrugging. “I am sorry, though. I was petty, but not any less grateful about these things.” He placed the pick into your palm, wrapping your fingers around it.

“No, it’s yours, keep it.” You shook your head, returning it to Jay. “I don’t play the guitar, so it’s useless for me.”

“Right.”

“But sure, I’ll go with you if it makes you feel better,” you said, pursing your lips. “We can start over and all that. With me not being fake, and you being less petty over it.” A smile graced your lips, and Jay hated how pretty it made you look.

“Hey, Y/N, Jay! Come eat with us!” Jake called after the both of you, a raised brow aimed at you both in a silent question — what could you two possibly be talking about?

Jake was speechless. “You’re going to my birthday party with Jay?” he asked in front of your friends as you all sat at the Academy’s courtyard, trying to process the words that had left your mouth moments ago.

“He asked me,” you replied with a shrug. “Look, he started apologising for being a dick and I would’ve felt bad if I said no after that. He still had that pick I gave him as a kid.” The frown on your lips appeared against your volition. But when you gave it to him, you liked him. Out of the three boys, you liked Park Jay the most when you were kids. When you heard he liked playing the guitar from Jeonghyeon, giving him that dark green pick with your initials carved into it in the smallest letters was your best way of conveying that. And he still had that damned pick.

“Oh yeah, he carries it in his wallet,” Jake said knowingly as if he wasn’t trying to be angry that you agreed to go to an event celebrating him with a different guy.

In your defence, whatever you had with Jake wasn’t a defined relationship. You never asked what the two of you were, and you preferred it that way for the time being, because a relationship was the last thing you wanted. You still struggled with taking care of yourself, let alone having to share that with another person, even if that person would be Jake.

“What an interesting turn of events,” Ning hummed, a smirk permanently stuck to her face.

“I said it. Weird obsession with Y/N. Not surprising,” Jeonghyeon spoke, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, just because a guy doesn’t like you, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to fuck you,” Ning added, which led to a glare from Jeonghyeon, and she giggled innocently. “Look, hate-sex is a thing. Fight me.”

“Whatever.” You shook your head. “It doesn’t matter anyway. Even if I enter the building with Jay, it won’t change anything about the rest of the event. Jake’s parents plan far too meticulously for anything out of line to happen.”

“I mean, that is true. But I still don’t like it.” Jake pouted, and you cupped his cheeks, squishing them. His eyes softened as he gazed at you, turning to your friends. “Have you guys got your invitations already?”

“Yessir!” Ning saluted. 

“Cool.” Jake bit his bottom lip, turning to face you. “Me and the guys are planning an after party, so you should all come. My parents are not gonna suffocate me with unconditional praise forever, so I plan to sneak out, and y’all can just… leave on your own.”

“From your house?” Jeonghyeon asked with a raised brow, reminding everyone that the birthday event hosted by the Sims happened at the Sim residence. (Unexpectedly so.)

“Well, it’s a plan. I never said it was a logical one.” Jake deadpanned, and you had to remind yourself that Jeonghyeon and Jake have known each other as long as you have. The separation of your friend groups over the years really messed with your brain, so all of you speaking together now felt… a bit strange. But in a good way.

“Yoi, Jake, here you are.” Sunghoon approached your group. At first, he had tunnel vision on the blond boy only, but then he noticed you right next to him, and he smiled. “Oh, hey, Y/N.”

“We’re here too, you know,” said Jeonghyeon, rolling his eyes. But Sunghoon completely ignored him, and even Ning who intently glared at him for not greeting her either. Sunghoon didn’t even blink, keeping his attention on you and Jake only.

“What’s up, Hoon?” Jake asked, tilting his head to the side. It made him look so much like a golden retriever, you couldn’t help the grin that decorated your lips nor the warmth that spread through your chest.

“I need your help with my English assignment,” Sunghoon replied, not hiding the fact that he needed help. It was kind of a known fact that his English was not the best, which was why he didn’t share English class with you, Jake and Heeseung. Jay just didn’t want to bother with the higher level.

“Why don’t you ask Heeseung?” Jake raised a brow, not wanting to leave you.

“He’s not Australian.” Sunghoon blankly stared at Jake.

“Okay, okay, I get it. I’ll help you,” Jake sighed, getting up from his seat. “Don’t forget what I told you guys, okay?” He gave Jeonghyeon, Ning and you one last look, adding a kiss to your temple before joining Sunghoon’s side.

As they left and you watched them, you wondered how come Jake was so unaffected by the tweet from Miss Decelis that came out not long after your first time together. Surely, it had to be weird between the guys if they were aware, right? But then again, Jake didn’t seem uncomfortable talking about or to Heeseung either.

You wanted to ask about it, but you weren’t sure you wanted to know the answer to that question.

Good morning, Decelis!

The annual Jake Sim party is almost upon us! Who’s excited? I already RSVP’d for the event, but did you?

XO, Miss Decelis

Being at Jay’s house on your own without anyone else accompanying you was weird. Usually, you wouldn’t step foot in here unless your parents were on your tail. But today, you were there, because your mum sent you here. Apparently, she had something to pick up from Mrs Park but couldn’t make the trip herself, so you were the one who was sent on a mission to the house.

But you clearly didn’t time your visit correctly because the person who opened the door for you was none other than Jay.

He smirked at the sight of you, his eyes roaming from head to toe before fixating on your own. Today, you didn’t bother wearing contacts, so your casual look with glasses on was back for a time being. It was the weekend, after all, and you had nobody to impress.

“Missed me?” Jay said a bit too confidently for your liking, and you scoffed, pushing him aside to enter his house without his permission.

“Is your mum here? She has something to give to my mum, apparently.” You looked around the hallway, but it was empty.

“Funny you asked,” Jay chuckled, “‘cause Mum gave it to me to give to you. Wait here, I’ll go get it. It’s in my room.”

You let out a sigh, looking around you again, not liking how eerie the hallway felt when it was so empty. Usually, whenever you were here, it was with other people, and that meant this house was bustling and full of chatter. Today, it seemed like the only person inside this house was Jay. Even the faint music playing from his room (probably) creeped you out.

“Or you can go with me,” he said, noticing the discomfort in your expression. “C’mon, it’s just some files for your mum, so it’s on my desk right now.”

Without thinking much about it, Jay took your hand in his and lightly tugged at it to get you to move. “You kinda get used to the emptiness when you live here long enough,” he added. “It’s nowhere near living in a penthouse inside a constantly packed hotel.”

“Yeah, it’s really not,” you said mindlessly, letting Jay pull you up the stairs to his bedroom. Your eyes fixated on the photos of Jay as a kid, doing all kinds of things. Cooking with his mum, playing the guitar while his dad played the piano. It was slightly different to the hall of fame dedicated to Jake at the Sim residence. And what you also noticed was the few photos that included you when you were younger, with Heeseung, Jay and Jake. You were trying to smile and be happy alongside Jake, but Heeseung and Jay had the fakest smiles possible plastered to their faces.

Your feet stopped moving then, firmly planted to the ground as you stared at the pictures for longer than was necessary. Jay had to stop with you. When he realised what you were looking at, he chewed on the inside of his cheek. Another thing to apologise for.

“If I’d known how much harder—”

“Don’t, Jay.” You shook your head, stopping him with your hand in front of his face. You softly yanked the hand that was locked with his out of his grasp and looked him in the eyes. Your stony expression spoke for itself. “I don’t like thinking about it.”

Jay pursed his lips and momentarily averted his gaze to the ground. He didn’t want you to see how guilty he felt about everything. Because he saw most of what had happened to you during the time when he was completely ignorant. When the principal found all the proof he needed to expel the people who caused you harm, your parents were brought in to see it for themselves. And when they told the other parents, Jay also found out. He didn’t tell either Heeseung, Jake or Sunghoon about it, but he knew.

The girls who bullied you kept videos of most of the things they’d done. Like spilling banana milk all over you. And the worst part was that Jay remembered the day when it happened. He knew you’d come to school in your uniform, but then spent the rest of the day in your P.E. clothes, and he never questioned why. Maybe he should’ve.

“Still—”

“There’s nothing more to say.” This time, you glared at him. The last thing you wanted was to be reminded of your past. Jay was definitely the last person you wanted to recall it with. He didn’t care then, and now it was too late to care. Besides, if you were to delve into it and he was actually trying to help you now, you’d just be more upset with him for the things he hadn’t done in the past. 

Closing his eyes, Jay nodded. “Right. Of course.”

“Let’s just get what I came here for so I can get out of your way as soon as possible,” you said with a sigh, pushing past Jay because you actually knew exactly where his room was. You never saw inside it, but you knew where it was from when you were a kid who just met him. It was the place you’d always wanted to step into, but were never allowed.

And a part of you, the old you, wanted to wait in front of the door and get Jay’s permission to enter first because that was the polite thing to do. It would also mean Jay’s approval. But there was no reason to care about it anymore. So you just opened the door to the room that was basically an equivalent of the Forbidden Forest for you.

The first thing you noticed was how big his room was. The next was the wall lined with expensive guitars as if the room was an instrument store. And third, the most important, was the guitar you had given him for his birthday when you were younger. It wasn’t on the wall with the other guitars. Instead, it hung right above his bed alongside a photo of all of you: the Parks, the Sims, the Lees, your family. You and the others had to position yourself on the ground so that your parents could all stand behind you, and it was the one photo where none of you looked miserable.

“Welcome to my room, I guess,” Jay said once he caught up to you, shoving his hands into his pockets. He didn’t want to show how nervous he was for you to see it. Maybe if he hadn’t remembered that your guitar was right above his bed, he wouldn’t have been, but… it was too late anyway.

You let out a huff, your eyes roaming the gaming setup Jay had. There was also a TV with PS4 and Xbox consoles and a Nintendo Switch laying around because why wouldn’t he have all of it?

“So, where’s the files?” you asked, glancing at him.

“Right.” Jay nodded, crossing the room. It was the plain black folder on his desk, but you didn’t want to assume and intrude more than you already have. You had some manners left in you, after all. “Here.”

You accepted the file with a grateful smile. “Thanks,” you said. “If that’s all, I’m gonna go.”

“Wait, Y/N.” Jay didn’t even know what he wanted to say. He just didn’t want this moment to be so awkward between you two. So he mindlessly grabbed your wrist to keep you in place and make you look at him. To look into his eyes.

“Yeah?” You bit your lip, and Jay followed the action a little too eagerly.

“Does everything have to be so awkward between us?”

“I’d argue that’s pretty much your fault,” you said casually, but it was the truth.

“I’m sorry.” Jay ran a hand through his hair.

“Stop apologising. It just makes it less genuine the more you do it. The words lose their weight.” You shook your head. “You know that saying about actions speaking louder than words? Maybe try to do that.”

Jay scoffed. “I can’t exactly go around threatening people the way Heeseung does,” he said, and you raised a brow at him.

“Of course not. Because he’s doing that for himself. Not for me,” you replied. “Maybe just try being my friend for once, Jay. An actual friend. We’ll see where that goes.”

Jay pursed his lips, nodding. “Okay…” he said. “I think I can do that.”

“So? Can I leave now?”

“Actually, Y/N, would you like to watch a movie with me?”

“What?”

“I’m bored.” Jay shrugged. “And the house’s gonna be empty for a few more hours.”

“And you don’t think I have plans?”

“Not in that outfit, you don’t,” Jay countered, examining your whole figure once more. But he was right. You would’ve probably watched movies at home by yourself anyway.

“Ugh, sure. Whatever,” you agreed.

“Action?” Jay asked, letting go of your wrist. He approached the TV in his room, looking at you quizzically.

“Yeah, I wanted to re-watch—”

“Captain America?” Jay cut you off, and your eyes widened. He was right. You did want to re-watch the Captain America movies. They were your favourites among the Marvel movies, and you could never get quite enough of Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Tilting your head to the side, you asked, “How did you know—”

“Just because I pretended to ignore you, it doesn’t mean I didn’t actually listen.” He rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t blame you for thinking that he wouldn’t know anything about you. Though the fact was that he probably knew a little too much for his own good. (Another reason why it angered him that he didn’t know about your bullies.) “And yes, I will put on The Winter Soldier,” he added, controller in hand.

You were speechless. But you didn’t ask this time.

How well did Park Jay actually know you?

So you were now friends with Jay. You and Jake were in a non-committed relationship — a situationship, if you will — and Heeseung was doing whatever it was that he was doing in regards to you. Which meant one very simple thing: people were now looking at you. Really looking at you. 

Which was convenient because your third resolution for the year was to become popular at school. This counted, right? At least among other things, anyway. 

People actually turned whenever you passed by, and while the attention wasn’t what you imagined, you still held your head high and walked forward as if there was nobody but you. One thing had been people’s initial shock over you being back, but now… they were judging again, and perhaps even more harshly than before.

Ugh. You just wanted to get to English class.

“If you let them know that you know they are watching, it’ll just make it worse,” Heeseung whispered in your ear. It startled you, jumping away from the boy who suddenly appeared by your side. 

“What the hell, Heeseung!” you scolded him, slapping his chest with your hand. A lopsided grin decorated his lips, and he knew he looked good at that moment. 

You wondered how many girls were at the receiving end of it before you.

“I’m just offering useful advice.” He shrugged, stepping closer to you. “I also wanted to talk to you, but you seem to avoid me like the plague.”

Your brow rose. “You’re the one still trying to pretend you don’t like me,” you said matter-of-factly, and he made a non-committal sound in response.  “Maybe that’s where you went wrong.”

“Maybe.” Heeseung nodded, shoving his hands into the pockets of his trousers. 

“What do you want?”

Humming, Heeseung smirked at you again. “Just wondering if you and Jake are exclusive and all that.”

“Why don’t you ask him?” You deadpanned. 

“He talks about you as if you were his girlfriend, I don’t think I have to know his side.” Heeseung clicked his tongue and shook his head. “So I wanna know what you think. Since you two clearly haven’t had that talk yet.”

Stopping in your tracks, you turned to Heeseung and crossed your arms. “We did,” you said. “Literally right after Miss Decelis exposed that mistake I made inside Sunghoon’s car, by the way. If I’d known—”

“You’d still want it,” Heeseung said nonchalantly, laughing. Which sounded a lot like it was aimed at you. To mock you. “Wish we weren’t interrupted…” he mumbled, eyeing you.

“Out of everyone, I think I really hate you the most,” you said, reminiscing of your childhood alongside Heeseung. 

Why were you even trying so hard back then? With Jay, you’d always gotten the smallest snippets of hope whenever he looked slightly surprised and pleased despite trying to pretend he was not. But Heeseung had always been careless. Nothing mattered to him.

Heeseung’s brows furrowed, and he frowned. “No, you don’t,” he said. 

“Yes, I do,” you countered, glaring up at him.

And you hated what followed afterward even more, with Heeseung invading your personal space to claim your lips for himself. You hated the way your body reacted automatically, responding with just as much heat, your kisses matching his own.

You hated the way your hands roamed his broad shoulders until you had your fingers tangled in his hair, bringing him even closer to you. 

You hated the way your whole body sought him out, heart beating in your ears. The way you arched in an attempt to be pressed flat against his body, feeling the growing bulge between his legs on your stomach. Heeseung groaned into your mouth, and you swallowed the delicious sound, rubbing your thighs together. 

And then the spell was broken when the bell rang. 

People had been watching, and you realised that you were royally fucked.

Good morning, Decelis!

I’d like to say that Lee Heeseung might finally be marking his territory but… I fear a little birdie has told me that our lovely Y/N is going to the annual Sim Jake praising event with Park Jay.

It seems that our childhood friends have finally become… friends?

XO, Miss Decelis

Heeseung wanted to be pleased about what happened between you and him. He especially loved the way you squirmed under his gaze after the two of you made your way inside the English classroom, and Jake was right there. 

But they were featured on Miss Decelis the next morning, and he realised that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea with all the replies underneath the post.

He knew he shouldn’t care. He never cared before anyway. But this was you. And he couldn’t get past the nasty comments that called you an attention whore because you were taking advantage of everyone feeling sorry for you.

He hoped you didn’t read any of it. But he also knew you were basically a walking and talking Miss Decelis encyclopaedia.

Not the greatest way to start off the day of Jake’s birthday event. Especially knowing that your date was going to be Jay.

Jay.

They really were the most pathetic guys on the block. All it took was not seeing you or hearing from you the whole summer, and suddenly they both missed you and neither actually disliked you.

Jake loved any kind of attention, and you gave him plenty. It was enough for all three of them to suddenly become a whole mess of losers for you.

Maybe if Heeseung had Sunghoon’s resolve and simply didn’t talk to you, he’d be doing far better. But something told him that Sunghoon’s case was just a matter of time.

All these thoughts were going through the boy’s head as he stared at himself in the mirror, overthinking his outfit. It was simple, a suit tailored just for him without a tie. But perhaps it was too simple.

Jay and Jake were absolutely going to wear something in an attempt to impress you, and Heeseung was only lucky that Sunghoon couldn’t afford doing so. Unless his suit was going to come from your father’s pocket as another donation to the up-and-coming figure skating champion. 

Not even his Prada cologne felt like enough when he knew how excessive Jay’s collection was, and how he always had a specific scent for each event, and how good his colognes actually were. 

Why was he even overthinking this stupid event? It never mattered to him that you were in attendance. Because you would always try to approach him to at least say hi and start any kind of conversation. Which he would cut off very early on. Your dejected pout gave Heeseung a twisted sense of accomplishment whenever he watched you leave. But the reason behind why changed over the years.

At first, he just liked watching you suffer because he, as a very young idiotic kid, thought you were making him suffer. But then, when he was old enough, he kept thinking — and refusing to acknowledge that those were his thoughts in the first place — if you would have that exact same pout during sex when he’d forbid you from cumming. 

Heeseung groaned when he felt his cock harden, and he hated that the mere thought of you did that to him. Especially when you were fucking Jake… of all of them, you chose Jake. 

Running a hand through his hair, Heeseung bit his lower lip. What was he supposed to do about you? Because somehow, you made him feel clueless, and he’d never felt that before. 

“I’m not gonna ask.” 

Heeseung startled when his cousin entered his bedroom without knocking. 

Jeonghyeon looked Heeseung in the eyes through the mirror instead of laying his gaze literally anywhere else, intently holding the eye contact.

“The fuck you want?” Heeseung said indignantly, walking away from the mirror, hiding his boner out of his cousin’s sight. 

“We’re heading out,” Jeonghyeon replied nonchalantly. “But I also wanted to talk to you for a bit,” he added, keeping Heeseung stuck in place, although he couldn’t exactly go quite yet, either. 

“What now?” Heeseung rolled his eyes. 

“Stay away from Y/N,” Jeonghyeon spoke plainly, straight to the point. He did not want you to get hurt, and knowing Heeseung, exactly that was going to happen. 

Heeseung scoffed, licking his lips. “Funny. But no, thanks. You’re not my mother.”

“No, but I’m your cousin. And I’m Y/N’a best friend. The last thing she needs is your pathetic little ass to hurt her more than you already did in the past… So stay the fuck away.”

“I’m guessing neither Jay or Jake got this cute speech of yours?” Heeseung’s brow rose. 

“They don’t need it. Jake was always good to Y/N, and I talked to Jay. He, unlike you, is actually sorry and wants to make shit up to her… and, oh, did I mention he’s not trying to get in her pants?”

“Boo-hoo, if you really think that, then you know jackshit about Jay.”

“All I need to know is that he’s better than you,” said Jeonghyeon. 

Heeseung’s jaw clenched, and he clicked his tongue. “Was that necessary?”

“Very.” Jeonghyeon nodded. “At least Jake and Jay know what it means to care. Maybe once you acquire that skill, we can have this talk again. But until then, just stay away.”

“Jeonghyeon!” Your voice carried through the corridor as you called after Heeseung’s cousin. “Where are you guys, we’re about to leave without both of you dumbasses.” You approached Jeonghyeon, peering through the door into Heeseung’s room.

A very plain room at that. Just like his outfit. Its main attractions were the bed, the gaming setup and his showcased collection of mechanical keyboards — which he had put together himself (!) with his own hands. But that still left a large empty space in the middle of the room. Jake and Sunghoon had joked about being able to play Twister in it way too many times by now. 

You, on the other hand, were the exact opposite of plain. Your dress was gold, glittery and tight, hugging your curves and stopping at your mid-thighs. Last year, he would’ve made a remark about you looking like a golden disco ball, but he dared not say anything now. Last year, you wouldn’t even fight him on it and simply glare; but this year, you looked like you would have no issue coming up to him and slapping him for being rude. 

Not to mention this year, Heeseung wasn’t afraid to admit that he would love to tear that dress off you. He craved feeling your heated skin under his touch again, and you being within reach so often did not make it any easier for him. 

“Heeseung has a bit of a problem right now, so I think he’ll take a while,” said Jeonghyeon, smirking when he saw the mortified expression on Heeseung’s face. “You and Jay can probably go ahead anyway. Is he taking you in his car?”

“Yeah.” You smiled softly. Because, yeah — that’s fucking right — you and Jay were now friends. Heeseung had to hold in the annoyed groan.

But at least this reminder served like a nice, ice cold bucket of water being poured over him, dealing with the little problem in his crotch area. 

He was ready to go. 

“I’ll see you guys at Jake’s.” You grinned with a small adorable wave aimed at — strangely enough — both him and Jeonhyeon. 

Except, unlike Heeseung, Jeonghyeon received a kiss on the cheek which you had to lift yourself up on your tiptoes for and he had to slightly bend down in the knees. 

Then you were gone with a wink. 

“Stop glaring at me, dickhead,” Jeonghyeon said. “She tried to be your friend. It’s not my fault you’re stupid.”

This time, Heeseung let out the indignant and frustrated groan that had been building. He ran a hand over his face. 

“Let’s just go.”

Sim Jake did not hate his birthday per se, but it was fair to say he wasn’t fond of it. Well, he would be if he was allowed to simply spend the day with his friends, but that wasn’t possible with his parents.

They didn’t care that all Jake really wanted to do was to be stuck by your side, maybe steal a kiss or two, and call that his best birthday ever. His parents needed to have a whole house party to show everyone — over and over again — the photos and diplomas and medals that Jake had acquired through his 18 years of living. Maybe if it hadn’t come to him so naturally, his parents wouldn’t be so adamant at showing him and his achievements off. But here he was. 

Watching his parents and staff run around the house as the last finishing touches were being done for the first guests to arrive. 

Jake was stuffed in a dark blue tailored suit his parents forced him into getting done, the material tight and soft on his skin. He hated how stuffed it made him feel, especially with everything going on around him. 

He was just excited to see you again. As if he hadn’t texted you minutes ago or saw you yesterday. It was something he realised recently — that he sought you out wherever he went. Jake would always sport the largest grin in your presence, loving to make you smile. Your laugh was a virus he kept catching, and he lived for those moments when he would tease you and you’d scrunch your nose and lightly hit his chest or shoulder. 

To him, it wasn’t just about those intimate moments he shared with you, but also your friendship and how much he’d grown to like you over the past few months. It was different when he barely knew you and the two of you acknowledged each other from time to time. This was about your shared love for superhero movies and the way you laughed softly and cooed whenever you saw Jake’s enormous Lego collection, saying it made you like him even more. 

He wanted to make you love him, but it seemed that the exact opposite happened instead.

So it wasn’t wrong of him to feel a bit upset, if not jealous, about you coming to his birthday event with Jay, right? (He tried to pretend nothing ever happened between you and Heeseung these days, too.)

Running a hand through his hair, Jake made his way to the foyer where he would be tasked with greeting all the guests. It was about time for the event to start, and the first ring of the bell signalled just that.

Jake sighed, opening the door.

“Hi! Happy birthday!” you greeted the boy enthusiastically, wrapping your arms around his neck. And then you pulled away and left a big wet kiss on his cheek, which left a faint pink print of your lips from your lip gloss. “This is the first time I’m here this early,” you remarked with a smile, gazing at Jake. 

“Hey, man.” Jay’s hug was less warm and he patted Jake’s shoulder. A bright contrast to your crushing embrace.

“Hi.” Jake smiled at both of you, nodding. “You’re the first one’s here, so feel free to go wild at the buffet while everything’s stacked.”

“Will do!” you said, saluting. “Will probably need it to survive the day anyway. Just remind me I have a big gift for you, Jake.”

Jay deadpanned, glancing at you. “What? Are you letting him fuck your ass or something?”

“Pervert?” you said, hitting Jay’s chest. But there was a light-hearted smile on your lips. “You’re just jealous.”

“Am I? I didn’t notice,” Jay replied. But it was a big fat lie. Jake saw Jay’s ears redden with the lie, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about that knowledge. Should he be surprised? Probably not. 

Of course, he wanted you. He’d be stupid not to. Fucking MILFs was never going to last anyway. Not when you were right here, and you were perfect. Then there was Heeseung. And Jake saw the photos from yesterday.

Heeseung and Jake had shared too many girls to count by now, but with you, he wanted to be selfish. He would’ve preferred to have you all to himself, but he was scared of making the next step. What if you rejected him because you didn’t want a real relationship? Was he even ready for a relationship?

He never was in one to begin with. Neither of them have. Never had they before become serious with a girl. It had always been casual fucks, usually not more than once with the same girl except for some special cases; and now there was you. For Jake, at least, there was you.

How was he supposed to act around a girl who made him inexplicably happy?

“Find me if you’re bored, Jakey. I’ll be around with Jay, I guess.” You glanced at the slightly taller boy with feigned annoyance, and Jay rolled his eyes.

“You could’ve just said no.”

“But that’s no fun.” You grinned. 

Fuck, Jake was down bad for you.

You were true to your word and stuck around Jay even when your friends arrived. It was almost as if you could sense his discomfort when he wasn’t with his group of friends. You were always quick to take hold of a conversation whenever someone approached you, usually to speak to you about what had happened. That was when Jay would step in and keep you from reliving your past memories because unlike with him, you couldn’t exactly tell these strangers to shut up.

The least he could do was be short with those people for you. Because despite everything, you were still trying to keep the perfect image around your parents’ associates. At school, nothing mattered anymore, but at events like these? They all had to pretend to be the pliant little dolls raised by their successful parents.

But it was hard to even be here. For Jay, at least, since all he could think about when he saw you in your dress was what it would look like on the ground — which he was really disgusted with himself for, by the way. He just managed to establish a solid friendship with you, and all he could think of was whether the moans you made whenever you tasted something really good would be the same when he tasted your pussy.

God, he needed to get it together.

You were hooking up with Jake. And the three — no, four — of them promised each other they would not try to sleep with the same girl nearly half a year ago. It was part of their history that neither was very proud of, and Miss Decelis had a feast of the four of them once it was found out. But realistically, it wasn’t their fault that the girl couldn’t keep up with all of them.

Maybe you could.

You snapped your fingers in Jay’s face with your eyes narrowed at the boy in disapproval. “Could you not undress me with your eyes in public? It’s inappropriate as hell, and if you haven’t forgotten, it’s Jake’s birthday.”

“Why don’t you go to him and suck him off if you care so much?” Jay retorted, internally cringing at himself. Why would he even suggest that? You might actually do it, and he was not—

“You’re right, I should,” you hummed. Licking your lips, your eyes easily found Jake in the crowd with his parents, speaking to an elderly pair that kept touching Jake’s hair and cheeks and shoulders with large smiles while he looked mildly uncomfortable. “He looks like he needs saving. And a break.”

“Y/N, I wasn’t serious.” Jay ran a hand through his hair, and you tilted your head to the side.

“Does it matter? Jokes aside, today is Jake’s birthday, and he deserves to enjoy at least a tiny bit of this bullshit event before we all get lost,” you said, nodding to yourself as confirmation of your own logic. And Jay couldn’t claim you were wrong because he knew better than anyone how much Jake hated this annual event.

“You’re right, but, Y/N—”

“Can you look after my phone?” You handed the device that had been practically stuck in your hand since you arrived over to Jay. “I’ll find you later. Pretty sure I could find you anywhere just by the smell. It’s actually really good,” you said with a smile, and Jay wanted to be proud of picking the right cologne, but once he accepted your phone, you were already halfway through the room to approach Jake.

Jake was one hell of a lucky bastard.

Jay sighed, ready to put your phone away in his pocket when it lit up with a new notification. Which would be nothing special had he not seen the user above the Twitter notification. A new message from a random user meant for the eyes of everyone once it got relayed.

It was a DM for Miss Decelis.

“You’ve got to be fucking joking.”

“Was that my birthday gift?” Jake stared at you through dazed eyes, his voice breathless. He sat at the edge of his bed while you got up from your spot on the floor to nestle on his lap, his cock still hard and covered in saliva.

“That would be a terrible birthday gift,” you replied, moaning when you felt Jake’s hardness against your clothed cunt. Jake adjusted his hips, forcing another whimper out of you, and you cupped his cheeks to make him look in your eyes. “Stop moving, Jake, or we’ll never leave this bedroom,” you breathed out, and he just lazily grinned at you in response.

“Maybe I don’t want to leave,” he replied, wrapping his arms around your waist and bringing you closer. “Oh fuck, I want to feel you now,” he groaned, restraining himself from doing anything else for you.

“It’s not— oh— the time yet,” you whispered, barely thinking coherent thoughts with Jake’s dick between your legs, though not the way the two of you wanted it to be. “Later, you can get anything you want, Jakey.”

“Anything?” he repeated, biting his lip. One of his hands slipped underneath your dress, his digits sneaking their way inside your panties.  

“Mhmm,” you hummed, pleasure striking your whole body as Jake’s fingers began circling your clit. Your lips attached to Jake’s while he worked his magic on you, but he pulled away, biting at your lower lip.

“I want words, baby. A weak hum is not a yes,” he said, his movements becoming harsher and faster.

“Fuck, Jake, yes,” you cried out, your orgasm coming quickly. It was weak, but there wasn’t much to expect from just his fingers atop your clit. But you didn’t want to give yourself to him just yet. It wasn’t time, as you said. Not this early in the evening. He still had guests to please and parents to appease.

“I want to take this dress off you so bad,” Jake mumbled against your shoulder, his lips trailing to your clavicle. 

“Later.” You smiled when his mouth made it back to yours, hands tangled in his blonde locks at the back of his head. 

“I hate that word,” Jake whispered. “But thank you anyway,” he added, finally coming to peace with the fact that this moment had to end because you were right, and his parents were waiting for him.

You smiled, getting off his lap to stand. Adjusting your dress back to its place, you gazed at Jake and his still hard cock. “I’ll leave first. Give you time to recover,” you teased, pointing at his crotch. “Always remember you’re pretty, and that everyone is here to talk your ego all the way up to heaven.”

Bending down, you connected your lips with Jake’s one last time before heading toward the door. “Maybe later we can ditch your afterparty and just go to my house. While my parents are stuck here with yours.”

Jake chuckled, capturing his bottom lip between his teeth as he tended to do out of habit rather than to purposely flirt. “I don’t think the others will let us do that,” he said and shook his head. 

You groaned, your hand on the handle. “Well, we’ll see about that.” With a grin you disappeared out of Jake’s view, leaving him alone in his bedroom while you barely made a step into the corridor when someone grabbed you roughly by the wrist.

“We need to talk.” Jay’s tone was curt as he dragged you by the arm into the nearest guest bedroom.

He locked the door behind the both of you, clutching your phone in hand as he loomed over your figure with a scathing glare. It occurred to you that you completely forgot to turn your notifications off.

You were used to being alone at these events, always stuck to your phone, so you didn’t need to turn them off unless you were at school and around friends. But you gave your phone to Jay without a second thought. Without thinking about what he could see.

“It’s you,” he spat, holding the phone up to your face. 

He lit it up with a touch, opening the string of new notifications, each filled with texts and photos from anonymous sources, feeding you with hourly gossip about Decelis Academy students.

But before the mortification set in, you wondered why it was Jay who was mad at you. Because the whole reason behind you becoming Miss Decelis was because of how he and Heeseung treated you. It was your tiny payback, merely making sure nobody could suspect you for focusing on just a specific group of people. 

“Why?” Jay asked, stepping closer to you, invading your personal space. You tried to back away, but the moment your body hit the cool wooden door, there was nowhere to run.

And Jay was right in your face. 

“Yeah, why?” you questioned back, narrowing your eyes at him. “Why would I start an anonymous gossip blog in freshman year when I was sure everyone hated me?” 

Instead, you leaned in, pushing the phone out of your face. Perhaps you should’ve cared more about Jay dropping it on the ground, but if he was angry, then you were furious. Clenching your jaw, you met Jay’s gaze with fire blazing behind your eyes. 

“Why would I make something that tried to humble you and the rest of the guys when all I’ve ever gotten from you was your dismissal? And ‘cause of what? Because I wasn’t pretty enough for your standards? Because I was annoying? Because I liked you and you were disgusted by it?”

The last sentence wasn’t supposed to ever be spoken out loud, but when you were fifteen, it was one of your biggest insecurities. You liked Jay, and he wanted nothing to do with you, no matter how hard you tried to be his friend. And with the girls who set out to make your life a living hell, of course you thought that the reason behind Jay’s dislike for you was your looks and your awkwardness and the fact he was disgusted by you.

Miss Decelis wasn’t just a way to shoot some of the popular people down a peg. It was also created as your way of venting all of your biggest insecurities by speaking them aloud as Miss Decelis. In a strange way, it was your way of coping with your life. 

 Jay’s eyes widened, looking like you struck him in the face.

When he spoke next, it was like you never said anything. Like he didn’t just discover your secret second identity. All he could hear was your angry confession about liking him. 

“Why?” he asked again, but this time, it wasn’t about Miss Decelis. “Why did you like me?”

“That’s not the point,” you sighed and moved away. You wanted to escape, but Jay’s arms shot up, trapping you by the door on each side. “Jay—”

“Why, Y/N?” he asked again. In eighteen years, he had received many confessions of fancy. But it was always through cutesy letters in his locker or notes passed in class, unless they were brave enough to approach him and try to flirt with him. But those girls never had a proper reason to like him. 

“Because I’m not blind!” you exclaimed in exasperation, trying to push against Jay’s chest. He caught your arms by the wrists to keep you in place. Locking his eyes on you, he refused to let go until he had his answer. 

“You hated me,” you said defeatedly, hands going limp as you acknowledged that you were not strong enough to fight Jay. “But I saw the way you cared for other people. And sometimes me, whenever our parents were around. You would always look out for Heeseung and Jake when they messed around the pool when we were kids. And then you started helping the parents with barbecues and you always made sure that Heeseung and Jake got the biggest portions because they love samgyeopsal. You even cooked ramyun for them whenever our parents refused to make more because they already had five whole packs together.” You paused, remembering your childhood, when life was a little bit easier. “And I really liked listening to you playing guitar. It always fascinated me how good you were. And the adoration you had for the instrument. That’s why—”

“You gave me the pick,” Jay finished for you, and you nodded.

“That’s why I gave you the pick.”

“I always thought you were too perfect to be true,” Jay chuckled, shaking his head. “But you’re probably the stupidest person I’ve ever met.”

You narrowed your eyes at him in a silent question. 

“Because you liked me despite the way I treated you. No sane person would do that.” 

“When have I given you the impression that I’m sane?” Your brow rose challengingly, but instead of replying, Jay cupped your cheeks, bringing your mouth to his as if he didn’t know that you just gave his best friend a blowjob. 

Jay had gone insane.

He sought you out after finding out you were Miss Decelis to be angry with you. To confront you. You were the one shit-talking him on the blog for the past few months, and he was supposed to tear you a new one.

What he wasn’t supposed to do was kiss you when he literally found you leaving Jake’s room.

What he wasn’t supposed to do was let you wrap your legs around his hips while he secured your body with his hands on your ass, carrying you over to the bed inside the guest room he locked the two of you in.

He wasn’t supposed to do many things, yet here he was.

Going insane because of you.

“I never hated you,” Jay whispered against your skin as his lips moved from your mouth to your cheek, your jaw, your neck and lower, still. “What I hated was the stupid act you put up,” he said, not hesitating to unzip your dress. 

“It was a dumb act,” you agreed with a hum that turned into a moan when Jay’s mouth found your nipple, working quickly at getting your clothes off. Not that it was hard when all you wore was the golden dress and lace panties. You ran your fingers through Jay’s hair as he continued his assault on your skin, constantly moving lower while he slipped the dress off you alongside your drenched panties. 

You smelled heavenly. Jay didn’t even care that some of it was likely residue of your moment with Jake. You were with him now, and clearly wanted him as much as he did you. 

What could he do with you, but have you in ways he couldn’t dream of before?

Jay gripped your thighs, pulling them apart as he took a proper look at your beautiful pussy. He licked his lips, and when your head rose to glance at him, your eyes were drunk with lust. “You want me to taste you?” he asked. 

“Yes,” you replied instantaneously, nodding your head like a madwoman. “Please, Jay,” you whispered, your hands reaching for him. 

Jay smirked, positioning you at the edge of the bed so he could have the best access possible from his spot by the bed, his hooded eyes drunk on the sight of you. Naked and defenceless and so perfect, not like when you pretended, but actually perfect — with all your imperfections. 

You were a petty little creature. You created a whole blog just to shit-talk Jay, Heeseung and others because they were making your life more difficult than it needed to be. 

“I don’t know if you deserve it.” He watched you squirm as you looked up at him through your lashes, your lips twisting into an adorable furious pout. 

“After everything you put me through, this is the least I deserve,” you mumbled, glaring at him. But you reminded him of those cute angry kitty memes more than anything else, and he smirked. 

Jay hummed, leaning in to kiss your pretty lips, his tongue swiping across your clit. It elicited a beautiful sound out of your mouth. A moan worthy of his neverending devotion. But he couldn’t give you everything so easily. 

Your gasp reverberated through the room when Jay bit down on your clit, and your hands shot up into his hair to pull at it in an attempt to get him away. But he wasn’t letting go.

“Jay, holy shit.” You bit down on your bottom lip to keep yourself from screaming, letting the twisted pleasure warm your tummy. Brain going hazy, you could barely fight him. 

Not when he kept switching between licking your clit and lapping up all your wetness, and then biting again as if he was a vampire trying to feed. Your pussy sucked Jay’s tongue right in, and your orgasm was inevitable the longer it went on.

“You’re so fucking delicious,” Jay mumbled, staring up at you and your arched back. He had to work to keep your legs apart so you wouldn’t squish his head between your thighs. But at least his regular gym visits with Sunghoon were worth something. 

“Jay, I’m—” you whimpered, unable to finish your sentence when Jay thrusted his tongue as deep inside you as he could, your pussy vibrating with the pleased hum he let out. 

“So good for me,” he said. “You’ll feel amazing on my dick,” he claimed, sporting a huge tent in his trousers, humping air in a feeble attempt to bring some pleasure for himself. But your sounds alone could probably make him cum. 

“Jay!” you exclaimed one last time when ecstasy shot through you, and you tugged at Jay’s hair with enough strength to pull some out. He continued to eat you out as you rode your high off, drinking every bit of your release as if it was a drug, and he was an addict that could not get enough.

Before you even recovered, Jay was already up on his feet, speedily taking his clothes off. His jacket, shirt, tie, trousers. All pieces of clothing disappeared within a blink of your eyes, and then all you could see was Jay’s pulsating cock with precum leaking from the head. 

You brought out an incredibly needy part of Jay out of him, and it made you even hotter, more beautiful to him. Jay lifted you once more to adjust your positions on the bed to fit the both of you while he crawled over you, lust-filled eyes meeting yours.

“Tell me what you want, darling, and I’ll take care of you,” he said, and you closed your eyes to drink the moment in.

“I want you,” was all you said in response. 

Just him. 

That was all you needed. 

Park Jay. The boy you had liked when you were younger. 

So you connected your lips, tasting yourself on Jay’s tongue. He groaned when his cock made contact with your stomach, and your hands roamed his body until you reached his hard cock. Your thumb swiped across the head, drawing a moan out of Jay, and you smirked against his lips, guiding him toward your entrance.

“This is all I want,” you said again, teasing yourself with his cock, his eyes already half closed at the tiniest bolts of pleasure. 

So when Jay finally thrusted inside of you, rougher than he should’ve, you whimpered while his lips captured yours again, letting you adjust to his size. You were so warm and so wet, ready just for him. 

He closed his eyes, testing how comfortable you were as he moved his hips the slightest bit. You moaned, back arching to let him go even deeper, to find the spot that would drive you over the edge. And he complied, pulling out slightly before going in again, deeper. He groaned when your walls clenched around him. 

“So perfect,” he mumbled, letting you cling to him like your whole life depended on it.

“Jay,” you whined, “I need you to move faster.”

He smirked. But your word was his command, complying mindlessly. Jay began moving, picking up his pace gradually until all that could be heard inside the bedroom were the skin-on-skin contact, the squelching sound of your wetness, your moans, and Jay’s pants. 

He was drunk on you, not thinking of anything else but the need to pleasure you. To give you the best sex of your life. To ruin you.

“Jay, I’m s-so close,” you managed between laboured breaths, reaching for his lips with yours. It made him go even faster, chasing his own release. “Jay, Jay, Jay!” you screamed, your whole body convulsing with the orgasm that nearly blinded you.

It was the loveliest sound Jay had ever heard, and he almost forgot to pull out as he stared at your spent figure underneath him. But he did, his hand already working on finishing the job as he pulled away from you.

But you didn’t like that. You lifted yourself up on your elbows and then went to your knees, putting your hand over Jay’s. 

“Let me,” you said, licking your lips.

It was confusion that kept Jay from stopping you as you guided his hand away. And then your lips were making contact with the head of his cock. Only a little peck at first. Then your mouth wrapped around it, and before he could even process anything else, you had his dick as deep inside your throat as possible, using your hand to take care of whatever didn’t fit. 

Jay lasted what felt like five seconds before he cummed inside of your mouth as you stared up at him with an innocent glint in your eye. 

He blamed it on the shock of you giving him a blowjob out of your own volition. And in this case, whatever you and Jake were doing, Jay was grateful for all that Jake must’ve taught you.

You swallowed his load, eyes never leaving his, and the two of you collapsed on the bed together, spent but willing to go a second time. 

“So, you’re Miss Decelis.” Jay laughed at the fact. You were never actually perfect. You just hid the other side of you behind an anonymous profile. 

“Are you going to tell anyone?” you asked, turning to lie on your side and stare at Jay’s side-profile. It always fascinated you. He was gorgeous, and his jawline was unreal. 

“Are you going to keep calling me boring?” he turned to face you, brow raised. 

“Maybe if you hook up with another MILF, I’ll stop,” you joked, but Jay deadpanned, pressing his lips in a thin line. 

“You do realise we just had sex, right?” Jay said matter-of-factly, and you hummed. 

“Is it any different to your other casual hook-ups?” you asked nonchalantly, and Jay hated how constricted his chest felt at your words. 

You were probably right. It shouldn’t be any different. But it was. He wanted this again. He wanted you again. And it dawned on him that he had lost his chance years ago. You said it yourself: you used to like him. 

And when the afterparty with just you, your friends and the guys came around, Jay had to watch you be wrapped all around Jake again.

Because, yeah… it was his birthday.

tags: @strxwbloody @starsenha @mitmit01 @chaconadine @in-somnias-world @tmtxtf @missychief1404

[riddles-n-games]

Nash's Internal Wounds

You know what absolutely broke me in The Brothers Hawthorne? Nash's confession during Grayson's 911. He was all alone, there was no one he could fully rely on. He had no parental figure, at least, not in the capacity that his brothers did and even then, we know how sh*tty their grandfather was to them; Grayson had to be perfect because he was the heir-to-be, Jameson was oRDiNarY, and Xander, well goodness knows. The old man and him were clearly at odds with each other yet Nash still had the mental strength to not bend to Tobias Hawthorne's will. Zara was there somewhat as evidenced by The Hawthorne Legacy, but still, even she held him at arm's length because of what he represented as Skye's affair with Jake Nash who was a man she once loved. You could call him the physical manifestation of Skye and Zara's distance because of the affair and the beginning of the end for whatever sisterly bond they did have. If at least Toby stayed, I bet he would have been a good uncle to Nash.

Alisa left him, too, and honestly, damn that whole loyalty thing to the old man, it wasn't healthy for anyone that had a connection with Tobias. Nash wanted to leave that behind for a reason, he experienced how toxic that environment was to grow up in but he stayed, for his brothers and he wanted to have a fresh start when he had his own family. That must be where the saviour complex comes from; he had embedded into himself the motto when there isn’t a father in the home, the eldest is the man of the house and he was. His brothers didn’t have fathers, their mother was neglectful and while the old man cared, it was twisted and came at a price. He wasn’t in any better condition but someone had to step up and that was him. Of course that didn’t replace the need for parents but I think it certainly helped the other three to keep them more sane as they grew. 

I don’t know how Alisa and him got together but assuming she grew up alongside him, she must have gone to school with him or just spent a lot of time in the vicinity that they got to bond and eventually establish a relationship. So when she insisted on staying and breaking off the engagement, being scared and alone was his natural reaction. And then the realizations he had. “... I knew in my bones that it was because there was something wrong with me.” Quite literally, you can hear my heart breaking in the background. I think it’s at this point as a reader that you realize how much more mental suffering this man bore, how much he hid and dealt with behind the scenes. It makes every scene with Avery when he did something to soothe or protect her mean so much more. It makes you realize why he was with Libby from the start. It makes you think about what the simplest of interactions between him and his brothers meant.

He was a rock; one with many cracks but a firm foundation. That’s why he went on those long trips where he disappeared for a time. This was his way of healing and bringing those people with him? Well, he gave them a purpose and maybe that helped him find his own. Screaming at the world isn’t going to help but maybe changing one person’s life by just being there for them could. And that is why I’d say Nash is the most mature and honest of the Hawthorne brothers. He didn’t let the old man’s ways consume him; did he crumble? Most certainly. But he found a way straight through the wall and that’s also the reason why he was able to get over many things compared to his brothers. He still has other issues like everyone does but when you look through Jameson and Grayson’s eyes in TBH, you can see that subconsciously they are trying to be like Nash, unaffected. They’ll get there too, eventually.

Thanks for reading!

[ernmark]

Juno Steel and the Case Closed (part 1) reaction

It's been a while since I've done one of these, hasn't it?

But it's the last episode, and I wanted to be here for the end. So if you'd like, some thoughts and theories under the cut:

It was a solid choice to have Nureyev go-- to make this final story about Juno and his world and his life, rather than specifically about their relationship. But also, the choices made around Nureyev's leaving-- holy shit.

Because here's a man who's spent the last twenty years entirely defined by his relationship with one man, and now he's cut loose and of course he's flailing to re-establish himself in a different orbit. And you can hear it in his voice, where it rises into something halfway to panic (amazing job, Noah Simes), and you can feel exactly how horribly wrong it's going to go if he goes down that road. And then there's Juno, who's healthy enough to be the voice of reason, even when it hurts him? Who makes it clear he's willing to wait until Nureyev is ready for him? Oh my god, that's perfection. (And Nureyev going maybe back to Brahma-- my little fanfic writer heart did a leap there). Nureyev may very well be back next episode (I suspect he will, if only for the final moments), but I really like this as an ending of their arc-- not the neatly laced up riding off into the sunset together, but looking forward to that sunset and being actually ready for it when it comes. It makes my heart feel so good.

--

And from that happy moment, to have Juno go back to Hyperion, to his office, and immediately start slipping back into his worst self? Oh, that's too real-- in a way that I am very happy with. Because he isn't 'fixed'. Juno 'born-a-sad-baby' Steel won't ever be 'fixed', not by romance or a vacation or a wonderful new family dropping him reminders of how much they love him. What's wrong with him isn't something that can be fixed-- but this time around it's different. This time around, when he yells at Rita she stands up to him (with a small, tremulous voice, because goddamn standing up to people you love is terrifying). I am so proud of her for that, and of him for backing off. It takes a palpable effort for him to rein himself in, but he's making that effort-- and he knows how, in a way that I don't think he did in those early seasons. It's a choice he's making, over and over again, just like it's a choice he makes to keep replaying Jet's wisdom instead of drowning his misery in tequila.

(Another kudos there: that Juno's problem isn't addiction, not the same way it is for Jet-- alcohol isn't a problem for him when things are going well, but it's easier to retreat into a bottle than to deal with his feelings. It's a distinction you don't see very often. Honestly, the way this show has dealt with addiction has been really refreshing to see.)

I've said from the beginning that one of the things that really drew me to this show was how it handles Juno's depression-- as a genuine mental illness that's an inherent part of him. And it's enheartening to see him struggle with it, but now be able to reach out for the tools and the support he needs. And that support doesn't have to be Jet literally talking him away from the bottle, or Rita or Nureyev petting him and making him feel better. He can reach for the pieces of them that they leave behind. And he can wish the Ruby 7 a good journey home, and send Nureyev to find himself, not without pain and grief, but without completely losing himself to it.

That kind of story gives me so much more hope than any kind of 'happily ever after' ever could.

--

And then the designated mystery, which has me so freakin' excited:

Nightmare.

She is the culmination of so many plot threads that I've been picking up on for so long and I'd completely forgotten about, and I am so freaking excited to see it.

I was in such a rough place emotionally when we last visited the most obvious of those threads, I genuinely don't remember if I posted meta about it or not, but it definitely struck some bells:

When Juno rescued Rita from Dark Matters, the safehouse she was in was described as being full of items that were clearly meant for a child. At the same time, Sasha was having Rita destroy all evidence of her own life so thoroughly that not even Rita herself would be able to find traces afterward.

It seemed most obvious to me that she was hiding a child (one that, I didn't realize until Juno remarked on Nightmare's area code, could have been hidden in the suddenly repopulated New Town without anybody asking inconvenient questions about who she was or where she came from). Also her taking care of a child would explain her ever-escalating reactionary tendencies-- she certainly wouldn't be the first parent who descended into authoritarianism in a misguided attempt to protect someone.

So some theories about who and what Nightmare is:

Alessandra's daughter is the most obvious, of course. (I still hold onto that theory that Sasha was either the Worst Client that Juno told Alessandra Strong about, or else that Sasha was the cheating spouse in that story.)

Nightmare could be Annie Wire's daughter-- assuming that Annie survived the factory, grew up, had a child of her own, and then died for real this time, leaving her grieving sister to raise her niece.

Nightmare could be Annie Wire herself-- dead, kept in stasis, revived by Dark Matters technology, and then whisked away to the safe house.

Nightmare could be a clone of Sasha and/or Annie. Honestly, not digging this theory, but I might as well throw it out there.

Nightmare could herself be a Radical, not unlike the Ruby 7, who's taken on Sasha's appearance and stayed that way ever since (after all, Sasha would have been at just about the right age when she was recruited by Dark Matters)

From a narrative standpoint, I'm most fond of the idea of Nightmare either being Annie or Annie's daughter, personally. Because that's literally the second mystery we were given, and it was pointedly never solved. As much as I like the idea that some mysteries just aren't and you have to make peace with that, I'm a big fan of long games like this, and of tugging on threads from the beginning of a story when you're wrapping up the end. That's especially true for Sasha's arc closing here, back in Hyperion City. Sasha's voice was one of the very first that we heard in this series, and Sasha's trajectory has always been a funhouse mirror version of Juno's. She's always been an integral part of his story. It seems fitting that her story gets wrapped up alongside his.

[desceros]

You & GB are RUINING me with your blurple villain Leo au How dare you sirs?! You've turned me absolutely feral a slobbering bitey mess /pos

Unfortunately for you activating my hyperfixation also means activating my obsessive brain spinning... Questions be upon ye!!!

Did Lamb-chan grow up with Donnie? How did she first meet villain!Leo? What did she do/say that flipped Leo from "you're a pretty dumb innocent little lamb huh" to "you're *mine* I am keeping you forever"? How did Donnie react the first time Lamb-chan came home smelling like Leo? Is that what snapped his control, the moment his instincts drove him to finally (thoroughly) demonstrate just how well he can take care of her? How did Leo react the next time he saw Lamb-chan & she smelled like Donnie?

I humbly submit these questions in the hopes that you may see fit to give me any crumbs nay even specks of delicious brain food that can be spared 🙏 pls & ty 🙏🙏

[after i gush for twenty minutes about how this is all their fault for enabling me] oh man i love questions

EDIT THIS GOT SO LONG. OH MY GOD. IM PUTTING IT UNDER A CUT also hi @gbao3 <3 please add your thoughts to this as well

so it aaaaaaall started with this post, with leo being the wolf and donnie being the sheep dog.

as such, you're childhood friends with donnie, since sheep dogs grow up with their sheep. i imagine he's basically always been a little in love with you, but it hasn't always been... ah... healthy? like. when he was young it was that kind of 'when we grow up let's get married bc we're best friends' love. and then as a teenager it became kind of an obsession. doesn't the world know how important you are to him? can't you see how dangerous it can be without him to protect you?

it's during this stage that he's maybe a bit self-destructive with it, literally at one point putting himself between you and another mutant, ending up with him having the scars on his shell. he mellows out a little as he grows older, to the point where now it's just a fact of his life that he's in love with you and there won't ever be anyone else; it's less of a fire inside of him and more just. yeah. duh? of course i love them and would die for them? zzzzz next question. but he's still very much the kind of person who asks you your itinerary down to the fifteen minute mark when you leave so he can make sure to know exactly when you'll be home.

i suspect that as lamb-chan, as much as you also love donnie, that can get a little, uh. overbearing. to say the least. i think that you have a habit of slipping out from time to time (since you live at the lair where donnie is always always always watching), just to breathe, to get away from it a little. the world looks a little different without donatello at your side, after all, and you're a little curious. so maybe you wander a little too far, sometimes.

and leo. god. leo is a breath of something that feels like air, but you're not sure what it is.

i don't have the exact first meeting pinned down in my head, but i do have this mental image of him sitting on a fire escape, one knee bent up to his chest and the other hanging down the side, a toothy grin on his face as he mockingly asks what a soft little thing like you is doing on this side of town. and you see him and you're just like, oh. he. he looks a lot like donnie. so you're a lot less scared than you probably should be, and that—that fascinates him. what kind of world do you live in where he's all but a perfect picture of the underbelly of the world, and you smile at him?

what would it take for you to look at him like everyone else does?

so he invites you to come back again. and you, well, you're just like. wow!! friend shaped!! so you do. but this time leo's not on the fire escape. he's on the ground, and he circles you a bit like a predator would. he's looking for you to be uncomfortable; to be afraid. but he made one small mistake; the shape of his smirk, now that he's close, is eerily familiar. it looks so much like donnie's, you could swear the two were twins. and it makes it so, so hard to be anything other than curious. mikey and raph don't look so similar to donnie, after all. why does leo?

so it continues like that until one day, leo says something and you laugh. and that—that hits him like a bludgeon to the chest. it's not like any laugh he's ever had directed at him before. and when you open your eyes, wiping away the amused tears, your gaze is so fucking soft. in that moment, leo realizes that he's hungry. and you—you look like you'd taste so. good.

meanwhile donnie is like. no really. where the fuck are you going. and one day he follows you and who the fuck is this guy with his arms around you. (but i think i'm going to leave that one for another day bc i have a nice one-shot in my drafts folder about how that'd play out)

[noctupede]

more rambling about icelands mental state and how he views relationships...(historical hetalia)

this is only unhealthy relationships, if you dont wanna read about that then you can scroll ^_^

ive mentioned it before im pretty sure, but i view emil as being aroace, if he were completely mentally stable he would find no interest in pursuing any sort of relationship (outside of maybe queer-platonic?) but he has a tendency to view relationships as inherently negative

i feel it would mostly come out of the fact he was never fully shown what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like. he had a healthy relation to denmark, but spent most of his childhood longing for him to be there, because denmark was almost always absent. so when the occupation came it became the only time where he was constantly around another person for multiple years.

his relation to alfred is complicated, but it tainted how he viewed his interactions with others. Alfred views himself as a hero, a saviour, and sees no issue in pursuing romantic or other relations to the people he "saves"

which is where emils troubles start, he does not view alfred as his saviour at all, but his occupier. And at this time Emil had turned 18, barely into the adult world, and does not know how to even feel about being around alfred. During the occupation (and after, where alfred is still halfway occupying but not officially anymore) emil becomes increasingly more dependent on him to keep up his economy and his mental state.

emil hates the feeling of being dependent on someone. he gets a fight or flight response once it becomes too much and can make rash and bad decisions in those moments. Which is why he suddenly has more contact with russia after a while, to feel more dependent, like hes making his own choices. even though russia isnt exactly the best for him to be around either.

I have no idea if my rambles even.. make sense half the time, they make perfect sense to me, but to others... ehh i dont know

[starshower1215]

[shower thoughts no.1] The Talk of Infinity: Levihan/Life Analysis

CW: adult conversations, experience based discussions, references to mathematics, attachment issues

As humans, it is an innate desire to be loved, so love is sought out from one another. But love is an art, and in any art, in order to be good, you need skill as well. Skill is developed. Therefore, love is not just love. It's also a skill which is sharpened over time. But to sharpen is to practice, and to practice is to run into people who are also practicing, and to do so can result in you both leaving each other with the wrong ideas of what love is, how to do it, and how dangerous it may be.

The most prominent two sides, at least those serving a purpose in this analysis, of the "spectrum" of the impact of a relationship might look like this:

Person A: I want love, and it's gone wrong before, but that's why I have to make sure it doesn't go wrong again.

Person B: I want love, but I'm afraid because it's gone wrong before, and I don't trust it anymore.

Some attributes of Person A might include clinginess, control issues, extreme optimism, maybe fear of abandonment. Some of Person B may be a sense of emotional distance, trust issues, isolation, pessimism, and possibly fear of abandonment. And you see this most in the contrasting view of promises:

Person A: I promise I won't leave you. I'll always love you.

Person B: I don't believe in forever. How can you promise such an impossible thing?

Now, both are not healthy views to be having. They're too black-and-white. But the mixture is perfect: 50% logic and 50% faith.

That's Levihan, isn't it?

It isn't one person is Person A, the other is Person B. No, both Levi and Hange, separately, encompass Person A and B, and they just happen to be together as two people doing that. Yet, they are not perfect themselves. Levi, for example, inevitably has been left with horrible abandonment issues due to his past with Kenny, and in retrospect, with every person in his life whom he has loved, ever. Hange's mental difficulties may not be as obvious, but if their behavior regarding their research and experiments is observed, they likely isolate themself a lot, and are not an entirely reliable person.

I made a statement of this to a friend once. There are two different types of eternities which I had identified, and to put it in terms of numbers, then one infinity is, literally, this infinity: ∞. An endless loop, or length of time. Simply infinity as it is. The other is the infinity between an interval. Take, for instance, [0,1]. From 0 to 1, there is an infinite possibility of numbers: 0, 0.1, 0.01, 0.001, 0.0001, and so on, all the way up to 1. Infinities between set beginning and end points. Defined infinities.

The latter is Levi and Hange. While the first one is over romanticized, and the other option ("I don't believe in forever at all") is simply a pessimistic view of life, to the point of harmfulness, an infinity between digits is a healthy compromise. The two of them (and ourselves, in the real world) live in an unpredictable universe that is constantly throwing obstacles in our way, often arbitrarily. On top of that fact, learning the art of loving is a skill, and really a lifelong pursuit. So we may never truly reach a stage where we are loving each other in a stable manner. It is necessary to simply learn the balance of loving others and yourself simultaneously, and to work past the fears you were taught by your past. That's how they live.

It is to say "Right in this instant, this tenth of a second, I love you. Now that it's past, and we are at another tenth of a second, I still find that I love you." Or to say, "I can't promise you forever, as we have no control of our future, but I can promise you now." And it works, because what can you gain or lose in that tiny instant, the itty bitty "now" that grants you a world of freedom? And really, as long as you can make that "now" last forever, that tenth of a second, then "now" is its own form of forever, but free of the fear of what came before, and what will come next.

Edit: I found a post.

[amailboxlemur]

Season 3 thoughts about mental health

So the mental health aspect of young royals has always been massive to me because my own brain doesn’t like to function particularly well at times. It’s also clearly what draws Edvin to wille and he portrays it so well. I want to get a few non wille things out of the way first though:

August eating disorder: touched on, but not dived into too deeply. Really interesting how he seems to think it’s completely normal (there’s something great about being hungry, calm the mind etc) but right away Simon is just like “nope, that’s not healthy”

The Queen: this year is really catching up with her. I can’t help but feel there’s something physical going on with her as well, whether it’s caused by stress or made worse by stress. Either way, I love the idea that truly no one is able to “handle” it the pressures of this position.

Ok now Wille:

I want to start with the fact he’s taking steps. He’s really trying. When Sara returns to school he does check in with Simon and does his best to support him. After the rock incident he calls the Royal court immediately to try and get Simon security. After the protest, he acknowledges that he and Simon and different but that he’s learning from Simon.

Right then is I think somewhere he had a big opportunity for growth. When Simon mentions charities he could care about, he mentions mental health or lgbtq+ rights. Both boys immediately focus on lgbtq+ but I think mental health is a better fit for wille at this point. He’s been going to therapy, and he seems at least vaguely aware that it’s anxiety that affects him. Falling in love with Simon is all well and good, but I never got the impression wille was overly concerned with his queer identity. (Neither has the show for that matter. There are queer characters but the main themes have always been class and mental health). But they have their little argument about lgbtq+ advocacy and never really circle back to the mental health thing, which is a shame. Wille ends up picking the path of least resistance and going with “sports and health”.

Wille has always had a temper. We’ve known that from the very first scene where he head butted someone in a club and kicked off this entire chain of events. But this season he really starts to break down with the fight with august. I can’t help but feel like the “pair” counselling isn’t the solution here. Like August deeply violated Wille and I genuinely think that being in therapy with someone abusive isn’t helpful. Being around August so much is actively making Wille’s mental health worse. Is he even still seeing Boris privately?

So that leads us to his meltdown at the end of episode 5, where we see a deeply traumatized Wille letting it all out. He’s been raised by his boss (and Kristina admits that). he’s grieving his brother while grappling with the fact Erik wasn’t perfect (and maybe wouldn’t even like him, have I MENTIONED how much that line BROKE me??). His privacy has been violated, he was outed to the world and put in a therapy situation where it was borderline made to seem like he was equally to blame in their “relationship”. Wille is NOT in a good space mentally and Simon is right to be afraid for and of him. He’s right to hit the pause button.

So where do we go from here? I’ve been an abdication truther and this season further confirms it. What Wille really needs is a break and some hardcore (solo) therapy.

[zykamiliah]

they didn’t say that a 20 y/o dating someone in their early 30s was pedophilia though? they said it was a power imbalance, and that it doesn’t disappear as soon as they are a legal adult. look, i enjoy svsss, but it’s true there is a mental gap. and a student pursuing a teacher doesn’t necessarily make the teacher’s reciprocation okay. i think there’s room for nuance here that neither you nor the other blogger is realizing

they were relating the feeling of weirdness they got from reading svsss to the power imbalance of a real life teacher/student relationship or actual pedophilia.

like i said, the power imbalance is part of the conflict in svsss and bingqiu's relationship. No one in this fandom believes they were the perfect soulmates from start to finish, Healthy and Unproblematic. But it's one thing that their dynamic was unbalanced and toxic because of the their misunderstandings and communications problems, and another entirely different what that other blogger was saying.

by the time binghe comes from the abyss, he has already grown into his own power and become a demon lord. when they meet again, sqq is not the one leveling his power against sqq, but the opposite.

here I talked about why i don't think bingqiu is toxic, if you'd like to read my analysis on it.

now, for the mental gap, what exactly are you saying here? Because if we're going to compare mental age gaps, we need to take into consideration that binghe and shen yuan are from different worlds, and that their upbringing was very different. lbh practically grew in the streets as an orphan before his adoptive mother took him in, and the he went back to that after her death, before entering CQM. shen yuan, on the other hand, grew with a loving family, was a rich and pampered young master and never had to go through the struggles that lbh went through: starvation, mistreatment, poverty, loneliness, being homeless and parentless, with no one to care for him or protect him. so really, between the two, who has more worthy life experiences?

okay, let's get at it from another angle. through the entire novel, and specially after the sqq's death, lbh is very honest with himself about his own feelings and thoughts. he knows his mind really well, even under the influence of xin mo. he knows how to manipulate dreams, after all. you could said that his most unhealthy habits are his codependency and the way he internalizes his self-hate, and the subsequent self-harm he does to his mind and body because of this. i'd say his most childish moments are in the Jinlan arc, where his actions contradict themselves, as he's both resentful toward SQQ and trying to win his approval at the same time.

shen yuan, on the other hand? emotionally repressed. he doesn't process his own thoughts and emotions and pushes everything under the surface. queerphobic. homophobic. deep in denial of his own queerness and gayness, oblivious to everything gay going own around him, runs from his problems, self-sacrificial to the detriment of his own well-being, so tsundere it backfires on him sometimes, unable to understand why someone like airplane would write shitty porn to pay the bills; even thought at his core he's kind to must people, he spends a great part of the novel being very vitriolic towards sqh. it's because he can't let go of his hatred towards the authors, who he partly blames for the bad things that happen to him.

taking all this into account, i really can't say what their true mental ages are, and if the gap is really that big, or if it really has such a huge impact on their relationship.

and a student pursuing a teacher doesn’t necessarily make the teacher’s reciprocation okay.

maybe you're right on this one, but are all cases of teacher/student relationships the same? must we, just as sqq did, ignore lbh's agency and own wishes and do what he thought was best?

there's thinking that teenagers under 18 have no way of making rational decisions when it comes to love and sexual attraction, and there's thinking that a 25 years old's agency in regards to who he wants to be with is meaningless.

[howam-i-theparent]

Logan headcanons!

second one to “form”, as curiosity tho, not logic (You know how babies try to eat everything trying to figure out what it is? That was Logan)

latter was renamed to “Brain” when Thomas started to do more long term learning/memory stuff

Has a library of all of Thomas’s memories in the mindscape, and each night while Thomas is dreaming, organizes it into “long term”, “short term” and “discard”, for any memories that are unnecessary.

Their library is open to all of the sides, Patton uses it to look through old memories (stored like scrap books/photo albums) for nostalgia. Roman + Remus use it to pick out bits and pieces for dream Ideas. Virgil sometimes looks through the most recent memories (or sometimes really old ones), and causes Thomas to get less sleep, Logan tries to calm Virgil down with more realistic views on the events, or tries to navigate Virgil to less important mistakes to fret over so any major things can be ignored for the time being.

Agender/Aromantic/Asexual/Autistic (me? Projecting? Never), and does not understand why they would ever need to follow any of the “normal” ways of doing things, they are a side after all, not an actual human, but will try to be a near perfect reflection of Thomas, in the mentality of “I am a part of Thomas, so I need to be as close to Thomas as possible”

They/Them pronouns (but allows Roman and Remus to come up with some neopronouns to use for them (they are allowed to veto anything they don’t like tho))

Knows how to walk in heels that would make Barbie herself trip (no one knows how they are able to do this (maybe not even themself))

Their main goal in life is “Making Thomas as efficient as possible without causing burnout” for this reason, they try to maintain healthy relationships with all of the other sides, so things can run as smoothly as possible.

With Patton, they usually bake together, but not cooking. (Baking is an exact form, cooking is more “try and see what happens”, therefore baking is like chemistry, something Logan can understand)

With Roman, they usually work on scripts together, but if no work is needed to be worked on, they both share Mythology stories (Roman likes the story parts, Logan I’d fascinated with how they used those myths to explain natural phenomena)

With Virgil, they are quite content with just sitting in the same room and vibing (Logan usually does research/read, and Virgil is usually napping w/ headphones in, or scrolling through memes)

With Janus, they will have “debates” about real-world going on’s, and possibilities of how Thomas would need to respond. (They usually just bounce off of each-other with similar ideas, there is not much disagreement most times)

With Remus, Remus is very willing test subject for more of Logan’s more “dark” curiosity’s, mostly human experiments and explosions (Remus would try to make real to life simulations in the imagination, in cording to Logan’s instructions)

Logan actually recognizes that empathy is needed to make a solid and logical argument, but is trying to help Thomas understand that he should not allow every single decision to be overwhelmed with emotion.

Logan struggles with regulation of emotions themself, where most may think that they do not care about something, they actually care very much, and has trouble expressing that. But also, sometimes they will have an outburst of emotions, which leave the others confused because “why was such a small thing, such a big deal?” (Logan feels immensely bad afterwards and tried to avoid the problem/topic)

The other sides do recognize that Logan feels very passionate about some things, and try not to interfere (Crofters for one, but will also allow them to talk about their special interests (stars/space) when Logan finally does get around to talking about it)

Doesn’t watch a lot of TV (not because “it rots your brain”, they just find that most action/romance/emotion driven plot to be frustrating) but they will watch documentaries for hours, and forget other things around them if the documentary is not interrupted in some way. (The others were very concerned about them when they watched the entirety of Planet Earth in one sitting)

They can feel all of the injuries that Thomas gets, to the full extent, but is not affected by “imaginary” injuries (The Remus episode, do I need to say more?)

Sometimes just needs to be alone for a bit, just being in their room, reading, doing research, working, watching documentaries, sleeping ect.

Tries to follow the “perfect” sleep schedule, as an example for Thomas, but gets easily wrapped up in work or a book, and that causes them to stay up latter than they intended.

Their favorite comfort food is of course crofters, but also enjoys goldfish, orange popsicles, and cantaloupe.

Their unicorn onesie was a gift from Patton that slowly turned into a comfort object, they sleep in it every night when it’s not too hot (will turn up the air conditioning and fans in their room, just to be able to sleep in it), and will get frustrated when they can’t wear it to bed (curse the Florida weather)

When the sides started making small changes to their appearances, they got a bit taller, and their hair got darker, as well as their eyes turning a dark blue color. (They use contact lenses while filming, and the perspective+ lighting causes the other changes to not be that noticeable)

Also has a light blanket at the foot of their bed that is navy blue with different constellations with their names on it.

That’s all for now, may or may not do more latter

[bcbdrums]

But why would they have kids? Drakken's too stupid and Shego hates kids

ohhhkay then... while i admit, the first thing that comes to mind is that maybe Shego quit teaching because she discovered she didn't wanna deal with kids after all.... nah i don't think she hates kids.

since i'm on that, i'll mention my headcanon... i think she genuinely tried to teach but she was just...completely unprepared for it. life didn't prepare her. i do not think she was perfect mommy to the wegos. did she help care for them as a sister cares for baby brothers? yes i do think this. but i don't think she just...had this perfect natural mothering develop in her, no matter what you think happened to the Team Go parents... no matter when they got their powers... no matter how much the older three siblings had to raise the twins, or not...

teaching is nothing like raising your own kid. so yeah my headcanon is that Shego was just wholly unprepared for it and after giving it an honest try, not having a clue what to do with actual children, and receiving little to no valuable help... that coupled with Team Go complications and feeling the draw toward evil, she quit. easier to quit than to be vulnerable and keep failing. Shego isn't the type to be vulnerable OR to let herself fail in front of anyone.

okay anyway. so your actual ask... not sure why you characterize Drakken as stupid, but i'll deal with the primary topic. Drakken would actually be pretty good with kids? he clearly had a great mother. i think when the kid got old enough to talk back and argue he'd have trouble with the being a dad versus being a friend, thing. i can envision a brat like Martin Smarty's son Artie and a childish combative period between Drakken and son.

but remembering that he'd have raised the kid from infancy, that would actually smooth at all of that relational stuff. as i said, he clearly had a wonderful doting mother. she doesn't smother him in his adulthood. and you can bet she'd be around more to help with a baby. i think Drakken would be like any new parent and ask for advice where he can get it (his mother) and fumble over some things and then be great with others. and you can absolutely bet he'd want to raise a little evil successor to his empire. i think he'd be both terrified, icked out, and thrilled at the idea of a kid. a kid completely changes one's life, because they become your life. and between he and Shego and occasional visits (more early on) from his mother, they'd have a pretty solid start and he'd continue with world domination plans, just now with a child. and he'd absolutely adore that kid... the way he goes all-in on things, he'd just worship that baby. my opinions, at least.

Shego i think would be the harder sell. she'd be afraid of messing it all up, cuz her life as a hero didn't prepare her to be normal. she would be very ehhhhh about childbirth. but because of Drakken, she'd go through it. i feel like she'd be pretty tough on him during pregnancy but they'd do research together to try to figure out how to raise a kid. once she gets past her fear and denial, she'd do the job of mother just fine. i think she'd be in a kinda endless fear/denial cycle though for a looooong time... probably would recur through the years as the kid gets older. she'd rely on Drakken a lot. her laziness would come out in spades at any time she perceives something as difficult...

but, their strength is...they have each other. Shego's trust in Drakken would really start to show when they're parents. Drakken's all-in attitude and just pure love for that kid would infect her. not saying it'd be sunshine and roses, it would be a wild ride. i mean, would the kid get Shego's powers? Drakken's plant mutation? other Team Go powers? none at all? they'd wanna raise the kid to be evil, but they'd also be wanting to instill normal morality along with it. it's necessary to raise a mentally healthy person.

so..... yeah.... long and short of it. Drakken's not stupid, i've commented on his intellgience in many posts. he'd adore a kid. and there's no evidence anywhere that Shego hates kids. they'd be good parents together and raise kids just fine.

[lucisaphira]

・   𝐏𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐄  𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐈𝐄𝐖.                                  ⏤   𝟎𝟓.𝟑𝟏.𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒.

         maybe  it  was  a  sense  of  detachment  ?  or  feeling  desensitized  by  the  whole  situation  ?  then  again  ,  it  could've  been  a  bit  of  both  ?  luciana  had  grown  up  her  entire  life  with  everything  around  her  crumbling  down  .  her  family  was  dysfunctional  at  best  and  traumatizing  at  worst  .  everyone  pushing  down  or  throwing  a  smile  on  their  faces  and  acting  like  the  whole  world  wasn't  on  fire  was  quite  normal  for  the  saphira's  .  so  perhaps  ,  there  was  something  about  all  of  this  that  wasn't  processing  for  the  girl  .  simply  just  more  weight  that  was  getting  placed  on  her  shoulders  .          (       more  things  for  her  to  just  grin  and  bear  it  about  .     )          that  being  said  ,  as  well  as  luciana  was  when  it  came  to  letting  things  roll  of  her  shoulders  when  it  was  harder  to  deal  with  . . .  it  really  was  just  a  defense  mechanism  .  luciana  falling  more  on  the  spectrum  of  someone  that  was  very  sensitive  to  things  .  that  would  eventually  let  everything  eat  away  at  her  .  but  she  was  also  the  type  that  would  ignore  and  avoid  ,  in  her  own  way  .  sometimes  without  even  realizing  she  was  doing  it  .  feeling  as  though  she  genuinely  didn't  feel  anything  about  it  .  that  she  was  desensitized  to  it  .  until  ,  there  was  a  day  where  she'd  explode  and  everything  would  come  out  in  a  much  uglier  fashion  .  something  that  most  didn't  witness  when  experiencing  the  company  of  luciana  who  was  sure  to  put  off  the  most  perfect  and  beautiful  package  she  could  muster  up  .

luciana  smiled  when  she  took  a  seat  across  from  the  police  officer  .  a  gentle  greeting  as  she  brushed  at  the  fabric  of  her  skirt  ,  straightening  herself  out  .  she'd  always  been  taught  that  you  use  your  elegance  and  beauty  in  any  given  situation  .  something  that  the  girl  probably  took  to  heart  much  more  than  was  healthy  for  anyone  .  a  sense  of  discredit  and  disrespect  to  herself  but  alas  ,  she  was  who  she  was  .  not  that  it  really  mattered  as  the  first  question  was  shot  out  at  her  .  the  officer  more  than  likely  trying  to  get  his  job  done  as  quickly  as  possible  .  with  all  the  people  he  had  to  interview  ,  it  made  sense  .           (     𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄  𝐖𝐄𝐑𝐄  𝐘𝐎𝐔  𝐎𝐍  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓  𝐎𝐅  𝐂𝐇𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐏𝐇𝐄𝐑  𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐃𝐄𝐑'𝐒  𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄  ?     ) a  slight  hum  as  she  began  to  think  back  to  that  night  .  it  was  funny  actually  ,  the  way  she'd  blocked  most  of  it  out  of  her  mind  .  it  feeling  like  any  other  memory  that  happened  from  so  long  ago  .  any  old  memory  that  had  no  real  weight  to  it  .  that  didn't  burn  into  her  brain  like  it  had  for  most  .  was  that  the  actual  case  ?  it  could've  been  . . .  or  maybe  . . .  maybe  she  genuinely  was  this  disconnected  from  the  entire  thing  .  mentally  checked  out  of  it  .         ❛      there  was  this  end  of  the  year  party  and  i  remember  i  had  to  go  ,  it  was  a  must  .     ❜           she  began  ,  as  if  she  was  at  a  sleepover  and  gossiping  with  the  girls  about  a  story  that  had  happened  .          ❛      i  thought  the  guy  throwing  it  was  cute  .  even  though  i'm  pretty  sure  he  had  a  girlfriend  and  i'd  never  go  for  a  guy  that's  taken  but  it  didn't  hurt  to  go  and  get  a  glimpse  .  classic  teenage  girl  stuff  ,  you  know  what  i  mean  ?     ❜         she  continued  before  her  shoulders  came  up  and  down  ,  softly  .           ❛      i  ended  up  leaving  early  .  my  brother  had  to  go  to  some  party  of  his  own  and  he  was  my  ride  .  so  i  had  to  do  with  a  couple  hours  before  he  came  and  got  me  and  dropped  me  back  off  at  home  .  i  remember  being  so  upset  i  had  to  leave  early  .     ❜

the  same  composure  luciana  had  before  .  sitting  with  her  leg  crossed  over  the  other  and  her  skirt  perfectly  placed  like  she'd  been  posed  for  a  professional  shoot  .  an  evenness  to  her  voice  that  was  either  calming  or  far  too  calming  .  but  if  her  parents  had  brought  her  up  for  or  to  do  anything  .  it  was  to  be  composed  in  any  situation  .  to  never  let  the  saphira  name  look  less  than  or  weak  .           (     𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍  𝐖𝐀𝐒  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓  𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄  𝐘𝐎𝐔  𝐒𝐀𝐖  𝐂𝐇𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐏���𝐄𝐑  ?     ) it  was  odd  thinking  of  someone  that  had  been  gone  for  so  long  . . .  it  was  even  odder  that  there  was  this  new  evidence  being  found  .  that  a  boy  that  all  she  wanted  was  to  notice  her  all  those  years  ago  was  now  just  a  distant  memory  .  someone  that  became  a  lot  more  than  just  another  boy  that  never  really  saw  luciana  despite  her  trying  .  now  he  was  this  thing  that  kept  everyone  she'd  known  in  high  school  linked  .  and  yet  ,  here  she  was  unable  to  truly  connect  herself  to  the  situation  .  it  didn't  matter  that  she  was  now  part  of  all  of  this  .  that  she  knew  about  the  dares  and  that  she  knew  about  the  pact  they  all  took  a  part  of  .  it  was  like  she  had  told  herself  the  person  then  was  a  completely  different  person  from  who  she  was  today  .  they  weren't  connected  .  like  they  were  different  entities  altogether  .          ❛      the  day  before  ,  at  school  .  he  let  me  borrow  his  pencil  .     ❜         

           (      𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓  𝐖𝐀𝐒  𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑  𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏  𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇  𝐂𝐇𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐏𝐇𝐄𝐑  ?      ) there  wasn't  much  to  say  about  her  relationship  to  chris  .  like  stated  before  ,  chris  didn't  really  notice  her  .  she  tried  ,  she  thought  he  was  cute  and  sweet  . . .  like  any  boy  that  crossed  her  path  ,  there  was  a  part  of  her  that  daydreamed  about  how  maybe  this  random  boy  was  the  one  .  that  maybe  that'd  be  the  boy  that'd  finally  sweep  her  up  and  save  her  or  let  her  save  them  . . .  luciana's  romantic  daydreams  being  full  of  delusion  and  far  more  issues  than  anything  else  .  but  that's  all  it  was  .  nothing  came  of  her  little  crush  and  she  was  enthralled  with  the  next  .          ❛      sadly  . . .  we  didn't  really  have  one  .  he  seemed  sweet  and  he  was  always  kind  but  we  just  knew  each  other  in  passing  .         ❜         with  that  ,  the  interview  was  seemingly  over  .  

[riathedreamer]

So. “Birds of a Feather”. Been 1.5 year and I don’t think I will be returning. Even if I did, it’d probably just be for a chapter or a few, and that would still leave it mostly unfinished. I mean, never say never, but well.

For those who wants to know what you were gonna get, feel free to read the post below:

First of all: content warning for mentions of self-harm.

I guess the quick story is this: I am disabled and I have a history of self-harm, and both of these elements played a big role when planning this fic. A lot of the reason why it felt good writing it, it was somewhat of a journey for me myself.

What’s going on with Simmons’ wings? I mean, that’s where I left the fic. Basically, Simmons has been overgrooming himself out of anxiety. Basically, and this is sorta mentioned in the fic already, he comes from a family who cares too much about the presentation of their wings, and as the fandom has decided, his dad is a dick. So there’s always been a pressure to keep them *perfect* but with Simmons’ anxious tendencies, that spiraled. It’s been a problem for a while, but when Grif got mites, it triggered the bad habit to the point where Simmons is just. Pulling out feathers. Too many.

What Grif walked in on was basically the somewhat mangled wings. Simmons has managed to keep it hidden since his wings are slim and he has kept them closed when in their presence. It’s reached a point where Simmons has big problems flying – that’s why he’s denied the races with Grif (before their friendship went to shit).

From here, there was going to be an arc of Grif being in that weird “we-don’t-like-each-other-but-I-want-to-help”-phase they are all suffering from in Blood Gulch, and Simmons gets a bit better, though healing, mentally and physically here, takes a lot of time.

Then comes the tank accident.

Sticking to canon, Grif gets Simmons’ parts. Simmons has a hard time explaining why, and he would not present all of these arguments to Grif, but here we go. First of all – organs, no trouble, Grif needs them to survive, Simmons will turn cyborg for that, canon explanation. The wings – well, one, singularis. Grif has one fucked up, cannot be saved wing, and one that’s fine. No one feels comfortable removing his healthy wing while Grif is unconscious. You don’t take someone’s wing when they can’t agree. It’s a weird, unspoken thing, but it’s part of the why the solution is not to take the healthy wing and turn fully cyborg.

So, instead, Simmons takes the cyborg card. A, because canon feels. B, his wings are still very fucked up, and he wants to fly again, and he does not have the patience for the healing process (yep, that’s gonna turn into a metaphor for the mental health), and c) he’s reached a point where he wants to cut of his ties to his family, and, well, the cut goes to the wings here. Becoming a cyborg is to him, and improvement. And that means getting rid of his shitty wings – then why not use the one change to give Grif one of his shitty wings. Maybe it won’t work, maybe it will. But Grif is more fucked with only one wing.

Sarge is Sarge. No trying to reason with that.

So we have Simmons getting to fly again, though it takes a while to learn to fly with metal wings. Grif … tries? But the wing he received from Simmons is a problem. A, because it still has to heal from the damage Simmons did (Simmons likes to tell himself that Grif is more patient than him, that it will heal with him), but also because it’s simply a mismatch. It’s too tall, so he ends up dragging it across the ground a lot, and it’s not as large as his own wing. Basically, Red Team is down two flying soldiers while they try to figure their shit out.

Donut and Grif sorta bond when the soldier helps him deal with the mangled feathers. Simmons has a whole arc where he is scared of testing his metal wings because his brain keeps haunting him with the idea that the metal wings won’t carry him and that means he made the most stupid choice in the world and he’ll never fly again.

And s8 would wrap that arc up with Simmons truly flying for the first time to save Grif as Sidewinder, and Grif’s healing process coming to bad halt when Meta grabbed and pulled his wing in a bad way when they went over the edge.

Simmons gets better. Grif doesn’t really. He heals, yeah, but the wing still doesn’t suit him. And he looks weird as hell too. But so does the rest of his body, and Grif tells everyone he doesn’t care. Does he miss flying like he could before? Yeah. A lot. But that’s not something he can blame on Simmons’ stupid wing (he keeps stroking Simmons’ feathers, taking care of them more than his own wings, for stupid reasons he won’t admit).

So that is the key event for everything that comes after which is mainly to follow the main plot but with *wings* and these issues.

It would have a lot of scenes with Grif bonding with soldiers on Chorus who got their wings fucked up in the war.

And, you know, plenty of angst scenes. Which would include Felix messing with Simmons’ wings, and a scene of Grif falling but Simmons catching him just in time because that would need to happen am I right.

Anyway, this all sounds so melodramatic and sweet and angst, and it sure is, just remember the ton and ton of snark and funny banter and weirdness that can only belong in RvB.

[rachelannezegler]

i mean this in the kindest way possible and it's even more about me than it is about you, but i also HAD a parasocial relationship with him for over two years, stepping away from twitter and only being here helped me a lot. also the movie opened my eyes big time, i ended up realizing that at the end of the day he's just a famous person, sure...he meant the entire world to me, but he did and continues to do so much questionable shit and the way he acted today was rude as hell.

i guess what i mean with all of this is...maybe taking a small break or seeing him without the parasocial relationship eyes will help you the same way it helped me. the way i was stanning both of them (i'm a larrie obvi) was just NOT healthy and it blinded me to a point where i truly believed them uncapable of doing anything wrong. realizing all of this after watching the movie was so upsetting that i cried FOR DAYS, but it got a lot better and i feel a lot healthier mentally.

you don't stop loving them, you just start seeing them for what they are: flawed humans that happen to be famous and can fuck up any minute, like the rest of us.

sending you lots of love your way <3 i hope i didn't sound like i was coming for your throat

nooooooo anon don’t worry, it’s perfectly fine. you are right i have a strong and big parasocial relationship with louis, and i need to have a healthy relationship with being his fan. i’m seeing like, i fuck up big time sometimes and they’re flawed humans with their shortcomings and they’re not perfect and they’ll do things we disagree with but that’s the way it is. i love their music soooooooooo much i could never stop listening to them so i just have to disengage from some things. thank you, i’m sending you so much love your way <33333333333