#maybe im on abt nothing and sleep deprived

[despairing-disaster]

Like, if you asked someone who actually carves things out of stone why they specifically choose marble, they could give you and answer (I couldn't, but they could). The medium is important to the craft and other materials simply can't be carved into a way that is conducive to sculpture. And when you generally tend to get good at an art in any way, you can sort of begin seeing the end product of your labor before it has even started. You get the idea of things "coming together" as they happen even if what you have now looks like a half-finished mess, but you see the potential is there. There's also the fact that it's actually not that hard to fall in love with your work either. If you go in with the idea that you want to see something specific, something that is important to you personally, and convey that exactly how you envisioned, it's an extremely rewarding feeling when you succeed.

So if you think of surgery as a form of art (and as someone who is very in favor of body modification, I do), there has to be something which you can perform surgery on. But a surgical canvas, unless it is a cadaver or a mockup they use for med students, isn't unfeeling. You do not have to ask a piece of paper permission to draw on it and what you put on it won't have much of an effect on that paper emotionally, but if you're working with people, those people need to be considered. Ultimately, something like plastic surgery isn't so much about the surgeon's vision as it is about what the patient wants because ultimately, people, the autonomous, sentient, sapient things that they are, generally want their body to reflect their vision of it and not other people's.

But Arturo doesn't really seem to get that, and even if he does, he doesn't care. If a rock is too tough to be carved into without breaking tools, carving it is a waste of time and tools. Sure, you could polish a turd, but who wants a shiny turd over a shiny gem? And this is why Arturo doesn't operate on "ugly" people, because he doesn't see them as able to be improved at a fundamental level. The body itself is not conducive to modification, so it's a waste of resources to modify. This perspective informs the way he interacts with others, because people are his medium of choice, so he'll simply brush past anyone he doesn't consider in the way I'm not about to go to walmart to pick up a 12 pack of crayola and that really shitty mealy construction paper that looks like it was made out of the stuff they put in jungle gyms to make sure kids don't hurt themselves. But you can't really just dismiss or ignore people for being "low quality" in your eyes without them taking issue with it because people don't like being seen or treated as lesser than, so he comes across as abrasive right off the bat.

Fundamentally, he doesn't view people as people, he views people as whatever potential he finds in them, and if there is not potential, than there is no person worth considering. And this idea remains prevalent in the way he interacts with people he does see as having potential because he's still considering his specific artistic vision over their wants as people. He doesn't care that J doesn't want him intruding on her or anything about her, he cares specifically about the vision he has of her and is frustrated by her challenging that vision. It's very likely he views her "boyishness" as an active defilement of herself, still seeing the specific vision, but on an already paint-splattered canvas. But his perspective is distorted because J is a person, not a painting, and the conflict comes in Arturo being fundamentally unable to understand it.

He lusts for beauty and the right to manifest it, and sees people as the medium in which he can achieve this, but fails to understand that the reason he is resisted is because others do not necessarily share his vision. He is someone eternally frustrated by a want that impedes on others, and it's fascinating to witness, both as an artist and as someone who's been subject to that kind of treatment.

I will never want anything more than to kick Arturo down the stairs, but I am forever obsessed with his brand of pygmalionism.

[thedawningofthehour]

thinking abt this because of the thing that im writing right now (im almost done with it holy shit)

the fact that donnies name gets changed once hes hypnotised is so important to me. names in general are something incredibly important to me for so many reasons. names represent identity, names represent the person who uses them. even if they are sounds we use to get each others attention, in a lot of ways, names are the summary of who we are. as a trans person, names gain even more significance to me even with that in mind.

when donnie get hypnotised and all his memories get removed, and his perception of himself and who he is gets so fundamentally changed that he simply isnt donatello anymore, he gets a new name. he is a new person, he is galois now. the name galois represents this new set of values, new identity, new perception of himself that he has. donatello is simply a different person, nevermind all the similarities between donnie and galois, nevermind the fact that theyre technically the same person. theyre different identities.

galois has a new set of formative memories. even if theyre altered versions of donnies memories. memories are the reason why we are who we are right now. if not for our memories and experiences, were nothing, no one (can you tell that im a strong proponent of the nurture side of nature vs nurture). and all of galois memories? theyre different from donnies. this fundamentally makes him a different person.

then theres the fact that donnies family refuses to call galois galois. galois used to be donnie, yes. but in some ways, donnies dead right now. maybe hell come back, if galois unlocks those memories (which he prolly will, its the only TRULY interesting thing, narrative-wise, no matter how much i thirst for a bad ending), but hes as good as fucking dead right now.

and yet donnies family doesnt acknowledge this. to them, galois is donnie, so theres no point in referring to him by the name that represents him. its an act of defiance. the name galois also represents the fact that draxum killed donnie and replaced him with a new identity. from their perspective, it doesnt matter if 'galois' doesnt remember being donnie! hes still donnie!

yes i do have the advantage of having seen galois perspective of all this, which does change my perspective on all this. because they dont know that galois barely know who this 'donatello' even is!

im gonna stop rambling here cause im just gonna start going in circles, but. galois having a different name is so fucking important to me. yes it happens in a lot of other similar fics to doth, but. i dont know, its just somehow different here, more Important. probably the fact that galois doesnt even have a notion that he was ever anyone BUT galois.

(keep in mind that this is all written from the perspective of someone who rly rly wants galois to stay with draxum because 1. plot, 2. i have no reasoning, i just like 'bad' endings lmao. i rly do treat galois as a different person from donnie because he is, to me at least)

(also i hope this isnt incoherent, i am very sleep deprive right now)

People have made parallels from Galois to 2012 Karai, and I feel like that applies here. Because it always really rubbed me wrong that Splinter kept calling her Miwa. That wasn't her name; she was not Miwa anymore. She'd been Karai her entire life and clearly felt more comfortable using that name. Yet Splinter just kept calling her by the name of his dead baby daughter, like he expected her to just jump back into that role. (I apologize if he does start calling her Karai later on, it's been a while since I watched the whole show through, but I don't remember him doing so)

And that just feeds into all the bullshit Karai feels about her identity after the truth comes out. She's quick to renounce Saki as her father, but is hesitant to embrace Splinter as such. She never moves in with the fam, despite still being a minor and there definitely being room for her there, since April lived with them for a while. And still, she claims herself as Saki's heir, taking over the Foot for herself after the Shredder is dead. She has a lot of complicated feelings about her past and her own identity, and Splinter calling her Miwa right off the bat must have been salt in the wound. The decision to go back to her birth name, to trade Oroku for Hamato, that should have been her decision, to be made whenever she damn well felt like it. It was not for Splinter to tell her who she is.

I don't want to spoil things too much, but a lot of that's going to come into play in Book 4. Donnie is going to have to come to grips with that fact that he is not Galois, Galois never really existed, but at the same time he's not really Donnie anymore. And he'll have to come to terms with who he is now and the roles both Donnie and Galois played in that.

I decided pretty early on that I wanted Draxumized Donnie to have a real name many of the above reasons. I didn't want to use 'Three' or 'Purple,' or just leave him without a name like some separated aus do. Slushie outlined it pretty well in hers-a number is not a name. A number or color could be easily set aside for his return to Donatello, because they were never really names at all. They're just denominations. Everything he was under Draxum could be easily swept under the rug, because that wasn't really anybody. Just Draxum's brainwashed slave, without a character, without a name. And that wasn't what I wanted his time as Galois to be.

I will say that his memories didn't alter his personality as much as it would have if he'd actually lived it all. Donnie already had a fully-formed personality when he went into the Galois machine, Gale wasn't built up from ground zero. He still does and says things based on how Donnie would have acted, even if it wouldn't make all that much sense for Galois. His middle-childness, for example, he's a shithead little brother to Cass a lot despite Galois being an only child and having no frame of reference for having siblings. Sometimes his implanted memories and his personality cross each other, however, and leave him very confused for a bit, so those Donnie mannerisms are fading and being replaced by Galois.

(Honestly, I don't think there's a single way for a 'Gale stays with Draxum' ending to work at this point. Maybe back during the Table Arc, maybe if Draxum had let him up then and swore to change his ways, maybe if they talked a lot and Donnie was able to ease the fam into forgiving him, then maybe they could have had that father/son happily ever after. But the brainwashing was a point of no return, Draxum can't pull back now and his mission is doomed to fail. Any bad ending at this point would just result in their deaths)

Part of the fam's reaction is denial, Donnie can't be as 'gone' as he seems to be. They'll pop his memory back in and everything will go back to normal.

But the other part is that they still love him regardless of what he's calling himself. So he thinks he's the son of an evil scientist and bites them if they try to give him a hug, big whoop. He's still the same soul. He's still their son, their brother. He's still family.

And family means nobody gets left behind.

[inzombniia]

tw // emetophobia(?)

vent post lol

i was going to post this last night but i got um. sidetracked. (ó﹏ò｡) by some rlly funny shit like istg it almost cured my summertime sadness i even cleaned my depression room 2day hhaha, last night i just made it my pfp and threw this into the drafts

im bouta go on a small rant so ill just tuck it away here ↓

i literally hate summer, im sorry i just cannot. maybe its the fact that i have no job and no car so i cant go anywhere. other than begging someone to take me shopping, im stuck. just me and the internet lolz and occasionally my friends but i havent responded to most of them which is kinda my fault (ꀬ⏖ꀬ��) i shld probably do that...

im so much happier and mentally stable in sweater weather... maybe cus im a december baby LMAO

i think the amount of time i spend on my phone and computer are starting to catch up with me, apparently theres a thing called "cybersickness" and dude the name alone sounds cool asf ‼️ but yeah i also have vertigo and a lil sleep deprivation on top of that so. i just constantly have the urge to vomit but physically cant no matter how hard i try so i just drew myself doing the things i cant do <//3 and yes thats me lolz

however !!! i think i might actually start working at chuck e cheese... no one in my area says anything bad abt working there so i have high hopes that i could enjoy it, might have to visit it this weekend before i apply just to see if its any different from last year when i went

૮꒰ྀི˶˃̵ ^ ˂̵˵꒱ྀིა

tw // sh implied i guess

edit never fucking mind its not okay nothing is okay i wanna rip my guts out why me why what do i even do anymore it doesnt make any sense why do you have to make everything so hard for me.

"oh i feel so alone" good. i hope it stays that way u selfish prick

how does it feel to rip away my goals. i had this all planned out and its perfect for what i plan to do in life

its like you do this on purpose. you want 2 see me suffer. u want 2 see me fail. over and over and over. is this fun for you?

i relapsed because of you. i hope ur fucking proud of me

[knightoflove]

Maybe this is because I’ve got Context as to why Carmen is Like that but I don’t get why Claire left? Him in the walk in? And why she was upset about what he said specifically. Bc what he said had really nothing to do with her. “I don’t deserve to have amusement or entertainment maybe this was a waste of time” to ME. Reads very much like “I fuck up everthting I touch I don’t deserve this this was a waste of time specifically because of that, because I’ll just be right where I started.” Which like. From a dude whose brother killed himself a few months ago is a VERY concerning statement??

Rip im going on a rant under the cut

Everyone was like Claire deserves an apology , Claire deserves an apology and I thought I had put it together that she deserved an apology bc he was USING her, not necessarily for fun or entertainment but to feel normal. Claire is surrounded by people (and is a person) who remembers Carmen from a time before New York, a time that Carmen obviously views as a better version of himself. A time where he was able to connect to other people and through her he can pretend that he still is that person who can connect to others and can connect to Claire but ironically through this facade he is inherently NOT connecting to anyone. He fears telling Claire the truth because he views himself as deeply damaged he wants to pretend that he’s not. I thought Claire deserved an apology from him because he was using her, something that I don’t think was really revealed in the walk in scene (but idk it’s been a while and I’m just sleep deprived and thinking about this so I wanted to rant)

Anyway Claire does deserve an apology but not for the reason she thinks she does. If they want me to ever be on board w the relationship (or I guess less hateful and more “ok this is happening” abt it) Carmen would need to do a lot of self reflecting abt what he was using Claire for and coming clean about it and then starting something slower. I don’t think they’ll do this I think they’ve (literally) shut the door on that relationship and I don’t think she’s coming back. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[pepprs]

ok well i had a second breakdown. and i feel a third one coming on

[huenjin]

hey there rue bb!!!! how have you been???? i hope you're getting some rest and eating and drinking well!!!

im in the middle of a history class and i read your post abt sending fic titles and fic summary and i thought id give it a shot!!!!!!!

as for the fic titles,,,, im not v good at making titles for stuff i write as well but

i have been listening to the cab's vegas skies on repeat lately until 4 am so....

maybe "between goodnights and goodbyes"????

or "to goodnights and goodbyes"???

and for the fic summary,,,

this is something i could never get out of my head

a streetracer au!!!!!! a streetracer au with smut and with heavy angst but with a fluff ending and

idk changbin is my bias but jeongin seems like someone who would fit that role so so well!!!!

he looks like someone who would enjoy racing aaaaaa and like he'd be that racer most of the boys (yes, streetracer!changbin, streetracer!hyunjin, streetracer!bangchan) would look up to bec despite entering the tracks at an early age hes just,,, god-given good at racing????

hes from a well-off family but they deprive him of the love he deserves and racing fills that void for him;;; he loves the risk and he loves how the fire inside him keeps him going even though you tell him not to drive bec he could get hurt considering that nothings a hundred percent sure

but he loves it

and it keeps him alive

and it makes him happy

so, so happy

so you always say yes to all of his races with a heavy heart but

you always find some sort of peace when mechanic!seungmin who is jeongin's bestfriend reassures you that jeongin always wins his races though the thought of jeongin getting hurt still couldnt let you sleep well at night unless hes snoring right beside you on his bed.

aside from racing and his friends, youre the only one who keeps him ground and you just,,, see a side of that boy when no one else is around??? when hes sad he cries on your shoulder, and falls asleep on your chest when hes exhausted,, acts cute to make you allow him to attend two more races despite your rule of limiting racing to only once a week,,,

idk,,

i love him so much - ☀️

this is beautiful. idk if you came across me just from this stray kids blog or if you shifted blogs with me when i shifted from bts fandom to skz, but there was this one fic — throttle, a jjk one — that is so close to this and yet not and it's one of the prettiest fics i have ever written because it's a soulmate!au, street racer!au. i do intend to write one for changbin (for parallel lines au that i should get started but will probably not because you know the usual chant — academics) but rest assured, if i do write a street racer!au you all will love it because it's one of my favorite genres to write about.

but let's just pause, take a minute and think about how hot street racer!jeongin would be.

[zepdeans]

there’s not a lot I can say about s3 that hasn’t already been said (and articulated 200x better) but! here are some of my (albeit dumb) thoughts :~)

ep1 -isak leaning against the bathroom wall gets me EVERY time its such a powerful scene esp introducing you to s3 and tarjei..... spare some talent for the rest of us please -LiTeN gUtTeN fRa StRaNgEr tHiNgS -isak rly ties his pants w a shoelace...... -isak noticing even for the first time bc of his laugh.. whew.... also. i love this intro SOOO much bc its so non-monumental? theres no dramatic music or whatever but its not subtle.... like you know right away o shit love interest!! hello sir!! bc isak’s expression watching him :’) i could go on -isak is a bad liar HOWEVER this only applies to stupid nontrivial things e.g. the black sweatshirt. but when you look at him lying about like, his sexuality, he hides that shit well -”c00l” isak. i hate u so much -honestly all u have to do is look at even for .2 seconds and u can tell this boy has had a crush for a solid month bc he just looks awestruck (HOWEVER henrik’s acting is *chef’s kiss* bc its subtle enough to go undetected b4 you actually know eVEN SAW HIM ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) -even isak and emma all sitting on the bench together is funny enough on its on but then a song called threeway comes on and like. julie sdshjsfdjfkjskd ep2 -there’s something so endearing about even’s handwriting idek what -i LOVE even’s video w mikael it reveals so much about him to us- how weird (ok we saw how weird he was w the paper towel thing but) and dorky he is? and his love of film! his view on love stories and how he sees the world :( but it also shows a lot abt isak because he saw even making stupid jokes about vladimir putin and was like yeah we about to fall in LOVE love -isak not using headphones to watch even’s video or r+j?? bde or general incompetence what’s the verdict guys -the isak watching r+j scene hits so hard like yall ever think about isak lying in bed at 3am staring at the ceiling probably thinking about how he’s never gonna get a beautiful world-shattering romance like that like ..... also him changing positions skam get out of my life go away ur too realistic -not to make this even more self-projection-y but isak simultaneously being the least emotionally vulnerable person ever but crying during r+j > -i made a post abt this already but even’s INTENSE staring vs isak’s “i have never looked anyone in the eye in my life” gets me it says so much about their characters -even said i see your bde move (asking me to buy you beer) and i raise u with my own (inviting you to my house after faking not having my id) -”if you listen to music” even is such a dick fsdjhsdff -when the message comes on...... i rlly do owe julie my life huh -”have you heard about my rapping?” “I have actually” have we talked about this enough????? 1. isak finally feels comfortable enough w even to flirt and his first move is to RAP for him jesus christ. keep in mind this is the same man who pulled that smooth af ibuprofen line w emma like...... 2. even has heard about isak’s rapping. either this means im-not-on-social-media even went out of his way to go thru homeboy’s instagram OR isak’s rapping is actually talked about. i- -the group chat messages. cant believe i forgot about the 2016 clown epidemic

ep3  -mahdi is a good friend and i love him. thank u -even wearing isak’s cap until he chucks it at him sjksfjsdjsd -how much yall wanna bet isak’s been listening to illmatic on repeat since last friday thinking abt even (even tho meeting sonja shattered his heart a lil) [also kinda an aside but i think a lot about how isak n even bonded over rap and how some homophobic lyrics in 90s etc rap might have impacted them? or how that little detail ties into julie’s story? e.g. halftime by nas, which is on illmatic] -whats worse. even staring into isaks soul wearing a size xs see-through white t shirt or isak staring at even for five (5) seconds before chugging his beer and immediately making out w emma. OR even crashing that party before it can start “i think you guys are bonding too much” cheesy ass shjhfsdhskdf -yall act like evak didnt invent hands. did even shaking isak’s shoulder telling him his apartment is nice mean nothing to u -im convinced robyn wrote call your girlfriend for this scene specifically bc how could anything fit so perfectly by coincidence -is anything better than egging isak on- even bech naesheim (2016) -idk if yall have read the scripts but i love the sock thing so much bc its soo true to how isak thinks and it makes everything so much more interesting and !!!

ep4  -i will never get over even sending isak bad seinfeld memes -even smacking open isak’s locker. first of all whew second of all u think as soon as he got into the stairwell he lowkey cried bc ow -parallel of isak saying “it’s 2016, why are you religious?” to sana vs. emma’s “it’s 2016, get out of the closet” to isak anyone :( -”takk sanasol!!!!” thank u isak for my life -I wanted to be with you aloneeeee -even’s face when he sees the pool like we get it youre a director -how many times do i need to say even is such a dick sjkfsd “does it look like i care about my hair?” “usually but not right now” like this would only work on isak i love soulmates!! -even just.. fully choking isak out ssdhgfd got em -when the first notes of im kissing you start ooh boy -even going in for the kill kiss and isak going from huh to oooo shit and pushing his lips out at the last minute. phenomenal 

ep5 -ngl as soon as im not in love comes on my heart goes uwu bc like!!!! that song the meaNING.... them......... i jus love this scene sm like theyre in their own little bubble and they both feel so comfortable and at peace :((  -even leaving isak comics about an inside joke of theirs like yall mind if i scream -isak feeling left out from the conversation and his friends whew i felt that... and having them talk about how gross it is to makeout with a girl w facial hair?? blease :( -taking stock of isak’s nicknames: issy k, isabell, izzy, baby jesus, -im not even gonna bother trying to articulate thoughts on Pause bc it’s a literal masterpiece. thank u tarjei henrik and julie for inventing television with this one  -MAGNUS SDFKJSDFJKDSHK "oooh my name is Jonas and I love idealism and reading klassekampen and I don’t like plastic and I skate on a skateboard made of sustainable wood and wear old clothes because new clothes are bad for the environment and I only drink recycled water” screAMMM -what i said abt pause also applies to pride ugh its such a powerful scene and!! the beginning of kicks to isaks stomach. honestly what i fucking love about this episode is how it goes from hell yea best day w even ever to crying in the street within one week (s3 had the best balance of angst and payoff thanks) -even’s Soft Party Flannel... forever tainted by this scene rip -not knowing why even kissed sonja keeps me up at night -speaking of. how used and stupid isak must’ve felt when he saw even completely unbothered, hooking up w his ex at this party?? whew :( -bros is one of my all time favourite clips solely bc of the music?? lift me up gives me chills and when hold my liquor starts i LOSE it -ep5 and 6 remind me of that quote “to see what your characters are really made of you have to break them” because julie rlly goes all in and god it hurts so good

ep6 -never have i ever seen insomnia portrayed as accurately as tarjei did here and i remember when i first watched the cantina scene i was like. winded bc its SO true to sleep deprivation whew -i really like that isak wasnt together with even when he reached out for help and came out to jonas. bc it was him, on his own, being strong enough to talk to his friends and then eventually he was confident and secure enough in himself to be in a good place when even started reaching back out!! -i have no idea what its like to come out to someone, to be afraid of your friends rejecting you, everything isak went through. but tarjei’s acting of when, like, you have something you KNOW you have to tell someone, and youve put yourself in the position where youre going to have to tell them, but youre terrified and eventually just force yourself SAY the words??  -and isak’s smile when he realizes jonas is gonna be his bro no matter what :’)))

ep7 -weirdly one of my favourite isak looks (black t-shirt grey snapback c-c-c-combo) -”what’s your name again?” have i mentioned i love sana and isak bc i love sana and isak -jonas truly is the best friend oh man. perceptive, thoughtful, loving, laidback, a friggen BRO. tbh i was wary of him in s1 and thought he didn’t treat eva well (tho I recognized he loved her a lot, he was just bad at being a boyfriend) but jonas in s3?? just goes to show how powerful your perspective of someone can change viewing them in a different role!! because while jonas was a crappy bf, he literally is SUCH an incredible friend and his actions and words and just! him! in s3 completely redeemed any illwill I had towards him :’) -maybe im a little gay (up there with other s3 comedy classics such as “thats a boys name”) -mahdi season WHEN ugh a legend -’when someone asks isak if hes going to a family party’ literally what other reason for living do i have if not to read the boy squad text convos -isaks locker finally opening and his smile at evens drawing whewwwwwww!! also even rlly is that guy who wont text you back but will leave hand written love letters in ur locker -also. another stellar look from valtersen -slutt a meld meg is a whole masterpiece like what other piece of media has the RANGE -eskild: play hard to get. jonas: no smiley!!! isak: nah fam im good B)

ep8 -this episode is BEAUTIFUL bc you feel practically euphoric?? like hell yeah theyre finally together!! isak is out and accepted and even is done with sonja! but theres also this unsettling undercurrent of worry bc you know deep down something isnt right? why is sonja calling isak? why is even acting kinda strange? whats going on? yknow?? -literally never going to get over 5 fine frokner :~) even is such a goddamn nerd and he’s the man of isak’s dreams can u believe!!  -sana’s little speech is SO important in so many ways ooo i love her so much -also have we discussed eskild making evak do a photoshoot for him. highkey those are my favourite pictures of ALL time u can tell even was like hm strange but im down while isak was more omg guys stop🙄 omg haha eskild i cant believe youre making me cuddle with even for a photo🙄 i cant believe ur making me snuggle this dude for a pic!!!! definitely would not have done this otherwise!!! -magnus only realizing it’s THAT even after seeing how isak looks at him. whew -isak is so brave i rlly love that kid! his text to his mamma <3 -no r*make will EVER nail text conversations like mari/julie did w evak’s this week thanks for coming to my ted talk. i'd quote the best ones but it would literally double the length of this post (ok ill cave. “hahaha shut up❤️” GETS me) -you dont know whats in store but you know what youre here for. hallo -isak running around oslo with even’s clothes looking for him :( his heart is so big he cares about even so so much -when Part II (on the run) comes on in the credits its like a kick in the teeth honestly

ep9 -ive already screamed enough about cherry wine but god it fucks me up -cannot put into words how much I love eskild and how good of a person he is, he just has so much love in his heart  -”wait they have waffles here? see ya” -this convo is why i love skam so much!!!! magnus giving insight and good thoughtful advice to isak was such a brilliant move by julie (also truLy heartwarming) bc like. magnus is a flawed layered character! he’s dumb and ignorant and not very careful with his words BUT hes also such a sweet guy. i genuinely dont think he would hurt a fly and him talking about vilde (in ep10) is ;-; bc he really likes her and respects her and wants to be a gentleman! hes so loving and just. yeah. also i wonder if isak and magnus (and vilde) ever talked about having mentally ill parents and lent on each other for support bc like....<3 [sidenote- this is why i HATE b***** like they absolutely massacred magnus’s character and magnus did not deserve that!] -det er bare slutt........ very cool of tarjei to invent acting here. also the character development makes me WEEP like at first isak lied and told his pappa it was over bc its easier to brush stuff off and say you were joking than be vulnerable especially about 1. having a boyfriend and 2. saying youve already broken up?? but then isak was like hey im done with lying about who i am bc i want my life to be REAL and he told his dad the truth even if it was hard and even if he was trying rlly hard not to cry  -isak reaching out to even<3 standing up for even<3 -o helga natt. another scene i genuinely cannot comment on bc u cant really put into any written language how magical and breathtaking and heartbreaking and powerful and brilliant this scene is. so. -jk. obvs i cant say anything intelligent enough to give this scene justice but probably the most stunning piece of television i have ever had the privilege of watching. even’s text breaks my heart every gd time (esp since we never really see this side of him before finding out he’s bipolar? his guilt, insecurity, feeling like a burden, being scared of losing everyone in his life because he thinks he’ll hurt them). the music is SO beautiful i cry real tears as soon as the strings start. also the brilliance of JUST o helga natt playing and no dialogue except for isaks one line? isak’s realization when he sees the cross. him RUNNING across oslo to go to even. the FLASHBACKS all going backwards in chronological order until them smoking on the bench. isak looking at the bench and not seeing even and u can feel his heart breaking and urs breaks too! but then he remembers the bathroom and he turns and theres even and whewwww. du er ikke alene<3

ep10 -minutt for minutt is THE most healing clip im telling u. and like.. seeing even depressed really is hard and as someone who was very very depressed for 4-ish yrs of their life it rlly hits me? like when youre in an especially bad funk and you cant get out of bed and youre just numb and exhausted and feel so shitty and u want to be alone but you really dont???? could go on but literally i owe henrik holm my life for his portrayal of even  -not to be a soft bitch on main but when isak tucks the blanket over even and it keeps getting pulled off his back so isak just. covers that spot with himself? -i do love that call between sonja and isak bc once again! a flawed (realistic) human being -and isak thinking its his fault even is depressed? it means a lot that sonja told him its no ones fault, even is just bipolar. and i wonder if isak felt that way about his mamma as well, guilty for her being ill, and if what sonja said made him feel better about that situation too :( -lowkey random but when isak is rambling really fast and he goes “maybe we’ll get bombed tomorrow and talking about all this is a waste of time” it continually punches me in the throat bc that is /exactly/ how i ramble and think like tarjei........ pls -like eskild said. there really is so much love in isak’s little grumpy teenage body<3 -isak no longer just passively accepting life as its given to him, now he fights for him and even!!!!!  -isak is such a forgiving person and seeing him able to just accept things and move on? incredible -i remember when i first watched ep1 i was like oooo even and isak are gonna be kosegruppa partners and thats when theyll first get together, cooking food or smth!! but lmfao after episode 3? kosegruppa whomst???? also hilarious vilde thought isak of all people would willingly sign up for kosegruppa just to go to revue parties -even and linn friendship!!!! -cannot articulate how mf heartwarming it is to see even smiling and being more himself after being depressed (also thank u julie for having ups and downs coming out of his depression- its so true to life having one day when youre feeling awesome and then the next you feel awful again for no reason and its SO frustrating) -I had to stop watching passe pa meg cause it made me toooooo crazy! it would just be like: “I like seeing you laugh” and I was like: *SCREAMS* -im the fucking master of lying 😤 -literally don’t know why isak and even ragging on kosegruppa is so funny but “did you think I joined to have fun” gets me every time -I SAW YOU THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL -also even literally radiating love @ isak watching get snarky w vilde on the phone bc it reminded him of the first time he saw him! even rly is that boyfriend who thinks isak being pissy is the Best Thing he has Ever seen -halla boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz -literally the glo up of isak telling his friends the order in which he’d bang them -No filter! wow I love symbolism -so nice to see the girls together for a lil bit :) -the boys hyping up mags while also telling him to be respectful awwwwww -take desperate to a whole new level- Confucius  -who’s going to show isak how to properly hold a beer can -literally evak banter gets me thru the day. thank u tarjei and henrik for having phenomenal chemistry + improvisation skills + making isak and even the dumbest nerdiest boys i have ever seen -biology partner. and friend. ;-; -even literally is the biggest stoner blease -isak’s talk with eva is just sooooo<3 and not to be emo on main but every single word of the last few sentences he says hit me so gd hard because i feel the exact same way in my BONES -livet er nå 💛

final thoughts :( <3 -this season is so special. it feels like one really long oscar-worthy movie or smth?? i cant even exblain, its just magical. ALSO very dear to my heart. -julie really said you guys have seen isak sad and alone and repressed for the past two seasons so heres him falling in love with the best person in the world and coming to terms with who he is and being brave and opening up and finally being happy and living a real life -this season definitely feels different from s1/2/4 to me editing or production or music smth wise? as in, its got a lot fewer aesthetic shots and the cinematography seems a bit different if that makes any sense???? I also think this is the season most focused just on the main (i.e. not many- if any? sideplots going on) -literally will never get over the thought, love, and detail put into this season. when i say there is literally nothing i would change about it, i mean it and coming from my nitpicky ass??? means a lot lmfao. the acting, directing, music choices, symbolism...... sublime -s3′s cold rainy autumn aesthetic makes me ACHE for fall and also nostalgic for a highschool experience I never had lmao?? also. all the nighttime clips >>> -don’t know what else to say except thank u skam for my life

[mysmedrabbles]

RFA Reacting to a Clingy MC

requested: yes

a/n: cute prompt! i need more sleep! requests open, enjoy!~

warnings: none

-mod alex

Jumin

-it,, scares him at first

-he's been touch starved and attention deprived for years so knowing that someone was there waiting for him at home, eager to talk and be with him was a strange concept

-ends up loving your clinginess , just maybe don't distract him when he's working on something important, one you break his concentration, nothing will get it back

-actually is a little bit clingy himself, always worrying about you and just filled with love for ya

-someone pls love this man

-every time he notices you walking into his study, he’ll immediately pull you into his lap and explain whatever business deal he’s trying to make, or whatever presentation he’s working on

-loves it when you check up on him or just wonder what he’s doing, the look in your eyes, that one where you genuinely care how his day went, is always makes him feel a sense of warmth in his stomach

-loves feeling you against him, especially whilst spooning, just wants to hold you close him forever

-cuddles with him? just ask and he’ll be more than happy to oblige

-youre his whole world, and your clinginess is absolutely adorable, making him fall in love with you even more

Jaehee

-what are these?

-feelings?

-disgusting

-no but in all honesty she gets a little confused... and slightly embarrassed that you care that much about her

-she doesn’t know how to react most of the time, but deep deep deep down she finds it kind of cute

-the first time you ask for cuddles, she can barely keep the blushing to a minimum poor jaehee,, stutters as she accepts

-over time, she starts to warm up to it, loving the way you kiss her when you’ve missed her after a long day

-will feel bad about the fact that it feels like youre doing most of the “relationshippy” stuff in the relationship, so you’d often wake up to mornings of a beautifully written paragraph about how much you mean to her

-after all, you make her feel so loved and wanted and cared about, she didn’t even want to think that you might not be feeling all those things, making it her personal mission to make you feel like the prince/princess that you are

-ends up just pulling you close to her chest to cuddle you after the day ends, and its honestly the most relaxing time

Yoosung

- *sigh*

-the amount of love and clinginess in this relationship is off the charts, actually something to be worried about

-the two of you are definitely an adorable couple and 100% goals,, you're that one couple that's completely in love and oblivious to the rest of the world

-y’all know what im talking abt? like that one “serious” high school couple thats so in love with each other that they dont realise that theyre both ratchet as hell

-cuddles all the time

-even when he's gaming, he loves it when you rest your head in his lap or on his shoulder

-a constant string of playful kisses

-always falls for the aeygo you pull when you want him to come back to bed

-texts saying goodmorning/goodnight? he feels loved and special which is what he deserves,, that is of course, if you wake up early enough to do it

-chances are, hes the first one to say goodmorning due to his early schedule

Seven

-at first he’d try to push you away, thinking that he’s not good enough for you, that you’re going to just abandon him like everyone else, that he’s not enough to keep you happy

-im just gonna say it

-he finds it adorable

-knowing that youre always going to be there for him is a comforting thought, and loves reciprocating in means of being clingy as hell

-honestly once he got used to the fact that you genuinely loved him, he’d probably turn it into a contest (in which he is playing alone) about who’s clingier

-but loves that you continuously want to talk to him, and havent somehow gotten bored or annoyed by his bad habits

-whenever he has a mission or important work he just can’t get out of you’re always there in the back of his head, and he feels horrible about neglecting you for so long, leading to a full night of kisses

-when follow him around the house, he affectionately calling you a mother goose, pulling you into an embrace as he kisses the top of your head

Zen

-he literally thinks its the cutest thing in the world

-being a romantic himself, its just so much easier to be,, well romantic when the other person is head over heels and in love with you

-he teases you every time he comes home late

- “aww miss me jagiya? what could i do to make it up to my gorgeous girl?”

-somehow always ends with you in his arms and him lovingly pressing kisses all over your blushing face

-honestly you dont even have time to be clingy with him around, he’s always there, always one step more clingier than you

-hOwever

-this attitude of yours honestly helps him not go all jealous on other guys asses, because he knows that the two of you are perfect, plus as long as youre like that its impossible that you secretly have a side hoe seeing how crazy you are around him

-but he masks this happiness under even more teasing

-and kisses

-and more teasing...

[student-film-lying-piece-of-shit]

How do I get into marble hornets? Slenderverse? Where do I start!?

Ah! Dear pal hello

So with Marble Hornets/Slenderverse, as you know, is a YouTube series. So, let's get started with the basics. I'm assuming you're meaning the Three Main Ones (those are the only ones I'm truly familiar with too) so I'll stick with that ((ppl can add on w/ reblogs too!!))

This is the entire Marble Hornets series, including the totheark videos. And if you're curious into what other stuff that's in this universe, Clear Lakes 44 and ECKVA are snazzy too but they're all completely separate plotlines and not connected. They're all just in the same universe. (THOUGH in 44 if the ten year stream had me remember anything it was a bunch of crying teenagers in a chat because tim maybe showed up on security footage for like a second and us, sleep deprived, gay and just finishing MH, started freaking but that's basically it. and also ig hooded men with gloves????? are in all?? of them???)

HOWEVER there IS a comic which carries on the orginal storyline that you can buy here if you just want MH stuff

Here is the full playlist for EMH, and this is the playlist for TT. However this is where it gets tricky because now they're starting to connect with eachother plotwise (as in they're in the same universe, again anyone is free to add on) and here is an archive where a lot of the nonvideo stuff for TT is.

and MLAnderson, DarkHarvest, TJAProjects, Whispered Fates and Keratin Garden are some other ones I know like. Nothing about but folk like em (MLAnderson is connected to TT and EMH though!)

If you can, please refrain from watching deep dive videos until you finished. Nightmind is good and all but you won't be able to get the genuine feelings and greatness just from watching a dude disect a series. (Or watch it in a way of you finish until x, watch part one of the explain series, ect)

(also, ps: emhbeyond / nimbusfilms are really cool and funny channels that have the emh / tt creators doing stuff outside of slenderverse and they're both critically underrated. im assuming u know abt what used to be thac so i won't mention that. also tim has a YouTube account that hasn't uploaded in like a year but who cares I'm putting it in, and Joseph (dude who plays alex in MH) has a twitch called GeuaxJoe! Oh and if you're in the mood for basically asmr/more jennings, Evan has a YouTube Channel too!!!)

[nobuuses]

check in no.2!! happy holidays!

how've you been? what books are you reading and what shows are you watching? music? movies? hobbies? how's the fanfic? tell me about your day! talk to me about everything!!

happy holidays!! (even if i answered this super late)

early happy new years baby !! i’ve been good; i had a full 8 hours of sleep for once last night so i’m in an incredible mood today!! lately i’ve been so sleep deprived i’ve been off all my socials and apps just obsessively reading 😅 umm ok so im currently watching supernatural, which is overrated but contrary to popular beliefs: amazing. i wouldn’t recommend watching pass s7 if you’re not super invested bc the plot kinda—revolves on itself but maybe it’s bc my spn phase died down. music well omgomg so my music taste isn’t unique at all like yours (i see u bat) so ive just been on n off 2010 pop (1d 😭) and classic rock depending on my mood lately. for example from 8am-3am the next morning i had nirvana, zeppelin pink floyd rolling stones beatles all the jazz on fucking repeat. it was like a religious experience 10/10. umm ok so for movies i went over to my bsf’s house to watch no way home and paint our nails AND LET ME TELL YOU. ITS WORTH ALL ITS HYPE it struck me back to my andrew garfield phase. for hobbies and the fanfic—I FINALLY GOT THE FIRST AND HALFWAY INTO THE SECOND CHAPTER FINALS AND THE THIRD CHAPTER DRAFT. LIKE THIS IS SO FAR FOR ME i’ve been doing nothing but plotting and i wish i still had @/achillesity so i can update abt it and ppl will know what i’m talking abt. remember my fanfic thread🥲yeah. it’s only 2pm rn, i’m staying up again to meet new years and it’s hot asf where i am despite it being december so !! heat waves is kinda getting to me and my moods a little but i’m ok w that. slithering into ur inbox rn, ily bat <33

[boyegcs]

I enjoyed the film but I’m not a hardcore Jurassic Park fan in general so I’d like to hear the side of someone who feels quite strongly about the films and why you didn’t like it! Feel free to rant :)

hi omg thank u so much for giving me an outlet. beware, under the cut is jurassic world spoilers + bitchy ranting (to anyone else who is curious. feel free to join in on the discourse. im curious af)

lemme start by saying that i may just be a pessimist in general, i didn’t sleep well last night, and the first jurassic park is one of my favorite movies of all time. i havent watched the 2nd and 3rd much in recent years, and wasn’t crazy about jurassic world. nothing can do justice to the first movie. it is flawless, beautiful, sentimental, smart, and the animatronics… are so….. good…..

whatever, onto the new movie.

i liked things about it. i promise i did. i liked the chemistry between bryce dallas howard and chris pratt more in this one than the first. maisie was a very good child actress! i love justice smith and even if the dialogue wasn’t great, he was pretty relatable (franklin). i also love the actress daniella pineda so even though she didn’t have much screentime, i like her. and i adored that dinosaur in the cell next to them that then plouwed through the rich ass folks trying to buy the fucking dinosaurs.

uhh… the script. 

the first 20 minutes were soooo rigid and i was like ‘am i just sleep deprived or is this shit or both.’ i was ALSO on team ian malcolm since the beginning: let the dinosaurs die. like, i’ve seen all the jurassic park movies. dinosaurs are vicious af. not “let them burn on the island,” but like, essentially? AND THEN THE FORCED EMOTION AKA THE BRACHIOSAURUS(? IDK DINOSAUR NAMES JFC) ON THE ISLAND. like, thanks for that image. PLUS THE ANIMAL BRUTALITY. LIKE, IDK WHY IT HIT ME SO HARD. THEY WERE VERY MEAN TO THE ANIMALS. which sounds dumb coming from the girl who was just like ‘let em die’ 10 mins ago but, y’know, i don’t wanna fucking SEE IT HAPPEN. 

AND FORCED NOSTALGIA. FUCK U MOVIE. 

the couple reviews i saw were like ‘paying homage, respecting the first movie!’ no. fuck that. this movie RIPPED OFF DIRECT SCENES AND SHOTS FROM THE FIRST MOVIE. claw grabbing through bars. squashed under a car. EVEN THE DUMBWAITER SCENE, COPYING THE INFAMOUS KITCHEN SCENE. i was hands down waiting for lightning to electrocute owen and maisie when they were scaling the house. jfc.

the doctor, or … paleo-vet? (yes who i like!), literally had to GET OUT OF THE CAR and look AT THE SAME DINOSAUR as sam neill and laura dern did in the first movie. btw, there were some cgi-heavy scenes in this movie. idk why im SO susceptible to cgi, but i hate it when i notice it. like the cgi goat towards the middle-end? ugly af. even that cute triceratops with her baby i was like ‘ok but its fake…’ i might just be a negative, judgmental person. 

also, the cheap? thrills? like the writers were like lets add oNE MORE THING to add to this ALREADY TENSION-FILLED SCENE. like the truck and the boat/ferry. when they had to get the blood from the t-rex and it semi woke up and THEN guards locked them in and its like… just give them a break. things like that. idk, it got old fast.

BUT YEAH, WHAT GOT OLD THE MOST FAST, WAS DEFINITELY THE ACTUAL RIP-OFF OF MY FAVORITE MOVIE IN THE WORLD.

it wasn’t paying homage. if it was only a couple things, maybe? but i kept gesturing at the screen… i kept sighing… i probably ruined it for the poor dude sitting next to me who was just enjoying his damn popcorn… it was such a long movie and then the whole THATS NOT UR GRANDDAUGHTER SHE IS /ALSO/ A CLONE. like. thanks for giving me one more thing to worry about. i so needed that on top of james cromwell dying and u really mean to tell me tim put his trust in this piece of shit capitalist dudebro? (or maybe it wasn’t tim from the original and just james cromwell / lockwood dude all along… idk, i kinda was like ?? in the beginning, cause they were talking abt someone in college so w/e).

i dont know i think im repeating myself in circles here? if u have any questions or disagree please lmk! like specific examples or anything. or if u wanna avoid this mess cause im just this angry ball of fury, go ahead too. but thank you so much for asking

ADDENDUM: i ended up really loving blue. i saw the relationship between owen and his dinos in the first movie, but damn, it really grew in this one. the clips from when they were babies, blue PURRING, crying, him holding her when the bullet was being taken out, running away at the very end, fucking saving em all… like. blue is the real mvp. 

i liked things about this movie, but i had zero patience for what i hated about it.

ADDENDUM 2 (I SUCK) but i was really annoyed when owen was fighting all those dudes when the... indo-rex or w/e was in a cage and... idk, he might’ve gotten a scratch, but hes what, a behavioral? scientist??? i mean unless he takes some form of self-defense in his free time, he shouldn’t be so lucky to not get a single blow to the face from however many dudes he fought. but maybe his reflexes got cat-like working with the raptors.... whatever

[drowthelynes]

why does college attendance and the immediate realization at 2.44pm that i’ll fail despite how much i try to cover up and even if that it’s probably doable and not that criminal in the grand scheme od things i still want to get run over by a train lmao

just/? im just consistently fucking up and i was ridden with guilt over making my parents enroll me in the most fuckall expensive option, and now that it was my choice and i cant even live up to that and im wasting my parents’ money nad time?? my health is shit, so much that i miss classes just bc i cant even raise my head in the morning thanks to stress and paina nd sleep deprivation, on top of existing guilt oer fucking up my friendships royally, and like i just dont care anymore maybe something horrible will happen to me at least that way i cnan catch a fuckenng break and justify escape from my problems bc im a huge coward lol

so many things seem trivial now,  i cant believe i was worried abt calling dibs on the new PG apmt jsut eysterday? who cares if i cant room w/ my freinds later im gonna get afraid of nothing and just demonize them in 1 sec and run away and ruin it anyway it’s a verifiabele 100% fact i catnt commit to or maintain relations w ppl anywehre even pot, or an entire cig pack couldnt make me destress (not that im smoking an entire pack but still), food tastes like ash, assignments are horrifyignly pverwhelming and if i caould just get myself out of thi funk and do something about it instead of wishing a meteor lands on me or me getting on the wrong end of a knife from some shady local - i could take steps to wade my way thruogh this mess but wh at i s t he P o i n t

[carrotpiss]

incoming just probably incoherent wall of text as i just want to note down the mess time im having (that isnt trying to get hrt/failing uni related, tho those are also happening)

I have a ?crush? and i went on a date with him (?maybe sort of???) that sort of i asked him on (but a flatmate did the asking, over whatsapp) while drunk at 4ish in the morning sunday, after a night out. All very not me things. My flatmate kind of coerced me into it- she’d seen my crush ask me for my number (!!!) in the middle of the dancefloor, though i did (and still) maintain the belief that this was only so we could exchange music reccs easier (though we already have eachother on fb..?) but i was drunk and my flatmate was pushy and the risky message was sent. Instantly felt regret bc honestly im more than fine with just being friends, the number exchanging probably was nothing, and im Really not his type. I am a 21 yr old pre-t trans guy who looks like a 16yr old gnc girl, my crush (Ill call him A, bc i feel dumb saying crush) is a cis gay dude interested in bears.

At 7am, he messaged me back agreeing to a date. I hadnt slept due to my flatmate having a bit of a tiz and also anxiety/guilt over asking A out. It took me 3hrs to respond. He suggested midday in town we’d meet etc and i agreed. I was insanely hungover from the night before, as well as severly sleep deprived so I probably looked great when I showed up. We had a nice time wandering around chatting etc tried to have some nandos but i immediately lost my appetite to anxiety. Spent more time chatting etc whatever. Turns out we have a lot in common and we get along well! he also complimented me? at one point? might of been a joke? (we were talking abt the twilight series and he made a quip abt my skin being sparkly) i reflexively responded with a light hearted ‘fuck off’, still feel guilty abt that in case he was being nice.

Ive never acc been on a date before, so i cant comment on how much of like a date it was. It was nice though. and fucking gotdammit he just looked really nice. like a complete nerd trying to look cool but still in an annoyingly endearing way. (and cooler than me, who hasnt shaved in a month, looks hungover, extreme dark circles, chugging lucozade while dressed like an edgey teen.)

Im rambling, but hey only future me gonna read this (unless one of my 4 followers, s/o to you, gets too bored. please reconsider the actions in your life that brought you here if so.) it was just... nice. I was stressed and anxious the whole time but he was just so nice abt it all my anxiety never got bad when i was with him. Once it ended i had a bit of a panic in my room over it all tho, and told a friend abt the whole thing.

We hadnt spoken again until earlier today when he messaged me (im not good at communication okay, this is too scary for me) abt good news abt a mutal friend getting their gic referall accepted, i congratulated and  i mentioned i got mine accepted too recently so that was cool it was around the same time and he suggested a party to celebrate. I said hell yeah, but left it at that. idk what else to respond.

Im just auhh ovewhelmed atm and dont need a crush on a cis gay dude that probably doesnt like me on my plate. but its.... nice. it feels like a more human distraction that i should be having, rather than yknow fear for the future and getting kicked out from my parents house once uni is over and i return, on hrt. but fuck i dont want to fuck up another (albiet potential) friendship. thats all i ever do.

[pepprs]

ok update i just finished making my card and i said / drew (lol) basically everything i wanted to say in it (except for the things i definitely can’t say now that this is happening lol). so i think maybe i might be ok with not saying what i want to say directly to her. but then when i say that im not ok with it at all LOLLLL so i think i need to sleep on it and maybe see what tomorrow brings

[hinanaha]

*slaps walls* 1-49 🐰👌

honestly not mad i lov answering questions

Femme or butch? femme

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe. it okay so if yasha from critical role had ashley johnstons personality

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets? leather jackets

Describe your style. dresses, long skirts, over sized sweaters, hair band and sneakers w patterned socks

Describe your aesthetic. nature and green witch stuff + anime figures in bad lighting

Favorite article of clothing? i recently got this really cute dress thats navy blue w flowers 

Favorite pair of shoes? my grey converse, they go everywhere w me

Current haircut? short hair up to my ears, im growing it out

Any haircut goals for the future? i still want short hair but just above shoulder length

Describe the best date you’ve been on. i`ve only been on one date but it was rlly short so it was a bit underwhelming tbh

Describe the worst date you’ve been on. it wasnt the worst tho it was nice

Single? Taken? single lmao

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife? someone who is good at talking, likes to do things together, someone who will let their gaurd down around me, and goes out of their way to do things for me i guess

Describe your dream wedding. I don`t rlly care about marriage, but if i were to get married somewhere with a beautiful scenery would be rlly nice

Do you want kids? not at the moment, and probably never but things vchange, but i hate kids rn so no for now

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? whereever i can have an oxen farm and shower my oxen w the love they deserve

Favorite lesbian movie? ive barely watched any lgbt movies or movies in general

Favorite lesbian novel/story? the only one i can think of is “my lesbian experience with loneliness”, its really relatable and i read it infront of my asshole dad

Favorite lesbian song? dunno

Favorite lesbian musician? i dont know peoples names

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any? i guess my fashion style is stereotypical femme and some bits of my personality

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal? nope, everyone at school thought i was a lesbian before even i realised

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that? talk to me often for one, give me cuddles and show that they trust me

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian? having a deep relationship w another girl is the best part tbh, i havent had a lot of male relationships (just in general) so im not interested in having any because women are beautiful and y`kno thats that

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person? cat person meow

Turn ons? muscles :3 soft lips, someone running their hands through my hair, cuddles

Turn offs? idrk tbh i never think about that, maybe i should

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you? i have asked people out most of the time, but the type of person i like would ask me out first tbh

What is your dream career? dietician

Talk about your interests or hobbies! i love drawing both traditionally and digitally, i love gardening cause its so satisfying to grow ur own stuff, knitting is also nice and calming, i also cook everyday and if i have a crush on someone i will bake them treats, and i like games of all sorts tho im best at rhythm games

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have? sincerity maybe

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone? i love easily however after a while if the person isn`t what i thought in the beggining i get over them

Ever fallen for your best-friend? heh yeah

Ever fallen for a straight girl? idk, i kinda like someone atm but idk if she`s straight or not, i have a feeling she aint completely straight but ya

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?) i guess so

Favorite comfort food? oatmeal

Coffee or tea? coffee but tea good

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above? vegetarian

Do you have any pets? yes i have about10

Early-riser or night-owl? depends on the day

What is your sign? taurus

What is your Myers-Briggs type? INFP/INTP

Who was your first lesbian crush? my best friend in year 8 lmao

At what age did you know you were a lesbian? ive been confused abt sexuality and many thing in life for a while and only really sorted things out this year when i started taking my medications, i used to like guys but that was because when i was trans i wanted to be masculine so i kinda pushed my love for girls aside, but once i felt that being trans wasnt me and started just doing what i wanted w my identity i realised thatn yeah i like girls, the thought of dating a guy just doesnt feel right to me at all

At what age did you come out (if you have)? im just a very open person so coming out was never much a big deal for me, however if i was in a less accepting household it`d be a different story

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)? kinda

Talk about how your day went. its still going but i did an all nighter cause there was a scary big spider in my bathroom last night, but i played a game of cah because im scarily funny when im sleep deprived

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future. i dont have many dreams atm however i want to be someone who i can be proud of as to show the old me that desperately wanted to end my life that i can succeed in things i guess, but atm my dream is to get the best possible study score for year 12 i can get

[cryogengar]

vent pt2 // aftermath

i just feel the need to put out the rest of it and maybe i can be more at peace

so relating to this post here, it’s been about two weeks. i still think i’m affected by it, judging from me staying in bed for 17 hours and having no motivation to do anything a little more than usual. after a day i posted that vent, one of my acquaintances on league, in that friend group i had told me that the girl, and my old guy friend made a joke about killing myself. it went along the lines of,

girl: “i can imagine her climbing out of the classroom window and nobody would care”

guy: “wouldn’t y’all clap”

girl: “well i would and that’s all that matters”

..yeah. that hit me hard. not only did they said that in a discord call where everybody else in there heard (and laughed apparently) behind my back (one of the people in the call sent me this), but just the fact that they used something that i struggled with as something to joke and hurt me about. sure, sometimes i personally joke about it, but i find it a right that i can joke about since i’m the one that’s going through it. but right there, that’s a joke and an insult and there clearly is no humour to it. i keep thinking of how people always say like, treat others how you want to be treated. i kept thinking of that then. why did they say that when i was the one hurting from that incident days ago? when did they it was a good idea to joke about this behind my back? and other questions and insecurities poured into my mind and i felt so betrayed. personally, no matter i think badly of someone, i wouldn’t actually say or wish harm on them like that. sometimes i’d say like ‘omg i wish he’d go kill himself’ or smth, but that was for dark humour reasons and i never meant it in this kind of way, y’know? and i definitely won’t say it behind someone’s back. so this hurt me a way lot because it was the girl who said this, who had absolutely nothing to do with my ex, added to how i was hurt from her the other day. 

it just made me incredibly broken inside. for them to say this. it’s only been recently that i was talked down due to my mental disorders and here it is, just jokes about my suffering. and the fact that they said it.. like in a classroom? where i’d have 30 other classmates and a teacher? all of them.. would clap? did everyone just want me to end myself? my insecurities ate at me non stop no matter how hard i wanted to hold myself together. but yeah, the day after i went to my vice principal, my school counsellor, talked to her. the school aka her would go talk to the girl because this was unacceptable and bullying and stuff like that. but i was still hurt. i was terrified. the thought that my vp was going to talk to her... what would happen if she just talks more shit behind my back? like ‘omg bella was such a little bitch the vp talked to me today abt this’ or smth like that. that haunted me the whole day at school. my mom and vp talked afterschool, and even though i said that i didnt know if it was a good idea to talk to her, the vp and my mom insisted that she needed to know that it was wrong, and if she says more shit just report it to her again and something will be done.

i went home a little lighter. i still took naps and binge watched cartoons to distract myself from the emptiness and hurt i felt, and that inside made me feel guilty because i should be doing hw and more productive things. cue 11pm on that wednesday night. 

the girl calls me. she’s crying, she’s just saying ‘im sorry’ over and over, but i felt no sympathy or compassion for her. she’s sobbing, telling me that she didn’t understand why she did those things, and that she’s a horrible person for doing and saying those things about me. i kept myself calm and just stayed quiet most of the time. we hung up like over half an hour later. i felt worse. but it calmed me that since she sounded sorry, if the vp talked to her tmr there’s a chance she won’t say shit anymore. but the thing was, i asked her if somebody made her apologise to me, and she said no, but mention my ex showed her my previous tumblr vent and told her she was going to get into trouble with the vp. it made me mad that she might’ve called me up more out of fear than genuine feelings to apologise about how much she hurt me.

in rolls next day, she skipped choir to talk to the vp. apparently she cries again, and we’re called down during first period to talk to each other. she apologies, doesn’t look up to my face, and the vp talks about moving forward. there’s a school trip to santa barbara in two weeks and i wanted to cancel and lose like $1500 bc i couldn’t stand her presence. but now i didn’t cancel for that reason and it’s still happening i guess. but... yeah. everything the ex guy friend said still hurt. everything hurt. the way he let me hurt by myself when we hung out at the cafe, when he talked shit abt me via msg, and adding his two cents to the girl’s joke about me. how mad must he be for me not thanking my ex for a fucking gift that he chose to buy on his own accord to just make me feel like absolutely a worthless piece of trash. all this time i’ve spent since last year ever since i met him. all wasted. there’s so much hurt, from the time he liked me, to times i gave up time to spend with him while i hurt myself from sleep deprivation or emotional energy, to times he let one of his friends just verbally beat me up in front of him. i felt so used. i feel so used. 

so fast forward, everything is done with the girl. we’re not going to be friends anymore, i can handle seeing her at school without being triggered, she’s not going to talk shit about me anymore and i go back to hanging out with my senior friends. the guy? nothing. apparently he feels bad, but not bad enough to say anything to me. i don’t expect anything, it must be humiliating to apologise to a piece of trash like me, lol. i dont know what’s up anymore. i saw him in one of my friend’s snapchat story and i just got triggered and spent a good four hours in bed, lmao. it clearly so hurts as much as i’m trying to put it behind me. the fact that we’re still ‘friends’ on every single piece of social media still allows me to see his presence online and because i’m so sensitive it triggers me.

i just want to feel better. i don’t want to relive all of this hurt everytime i see his name. i don’t want to continue feeling like i dont matter, that my mental disorders are a disability and i’ll never be anything more than a suicidal freak. maybe it is my fault that i’m ‘always doing things for others,’ investing so much time into these these people and end up hurting because i finally see who they are. i... don’t know. i just don’t understand. i don’t want to feel betrayed, hurt, and depressed. i don’t want to feel so much anxiety going outside and talking to people because i don’t feel safe. as much support i get, i only get this support when i ask for it. no one.. really reaches out for me on their own accord, whether it’s when i’m hurting or as a friend. maybe i’m just really alone. whatever. goodnight.