#specialize in this. like um they’re tearing the deck down on monday maybe i should go stand on it and let them take me with it bc clearly
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ok well i had a second breakdown. and i feel a third one coming on
#purrs#i have been so mentally ill today. i keep thinking abt what my mom revealed to me and crying over it like omg. it could’ve been so so so#much fucking worse but what happened was actually pretty bad and has consequences that will impact me FOREVER. i was a newborn baby and my#very first moment being alive in the world was one in which i was ********* my very first days alive in the world i was completely alone an#nobody wanted to see me or beljevei existed and everyone thought i was going to die and no one could touch me! epic and awesome and epic an#awesome and epic! literaly this explains everything that is wrong with me and has ever been wrong with me and will ever be wrong with me.#and there’s nothing online for adults who discover this shit abt themselves and then have to cope w the implications. no counselors that#specialize in this. like um they’re tearing the deck down on monday maybe i should go stand on it and let them take me with it bc clearly#every day of my life has been and will continue to be one in which i suffer the consequences. but also i am making a mountain out of this a#and i am sleep deprived and overworked and overwhelmed and about to get my p*riod and haven’t had counseling so im being insane over nothin#but i have ugly cried so hard today. like i was so little and some awful things happened to me and i can never get back what i missed and i#like this literally forever. it’s like this grief that takes my breath away#delete later
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