#maybe im just a sensitive person
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looking at the shrine crowds with a new perspective in mind. how did any of them not start bawling their eyes out at that audience response ?
#maybe im just a sensitive person#but that audience - even if you don't see it - the emotion it's palpable#and on that /much/ bigger scale? it must be crazy to be on the receiving end of that
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we were sitting on the floor and i was cutting out tiny pictures to make a collage for a friend's birthday. you were on your phone and you laughed about something, and i was still in love with you then, so i asked what had you giggling.
"sorry. i was just..." you took a moment and went back to texting. "i was telling someone about how you're afraid of the dark."
i'm afraid of the dark because something bad happened. "oh." i felt a little slinky of shame crawl down my throat.
you glanced up, and maybe it showed on my face, because you rolled your eyes and held the phone to the side casually so i could see the group chat. "what? was it a secret?"
i looked down to the scissors in my hand. "i just..." no, it's not a secret. it just felt like something private, something serious. saying why would you tell someone that just feels like an accusation. it's unfair. i honestly am not even ashamed of it, it's just a fact about my person that i don't usually share.
what a strange experience. is this a human thing or a generational thing? for our grandparents: did they need to worry about how quickly someone can just... share your personal information? again, i didn't even really have a true objection. what could i say? i want any person in my life to feel they can be honest with their friends. it's not like i said don't tell anyone this.
i cut out another letter to complete the rainbow happy birthday, started hunting for the exclamation mark. i heard you sigh dramatically.
"don't make a big deal about this," you said.
this entire conversation was a pattern for us, and this was when we got to my least favorite part of the pattern. i would get my feelings hurt in some oblique not-technically-terrible way, and then it would be making a big deal about something. you'd get frustrated for me for being soft, but i was born soft. you knew i was soft when you pierced me. it's one of the things that made controlling me so easy.
"i'm not," i felt my voice crack. the question came without my wanting. "why are you guys talking about me?" and why are you saying that thing? why not like - i'm telling them how you're generous and kind and pretty.
you let out this low, tragic groan. "oh my god." you tossed the phone away from your body. "there, see? i just won't talk to them if you don't like it."
the rest of the hour went the way it always went, between us: i said i don't actually mind if you talk to your friends but -, you found a way to call my minor expression of discomfort "being dramatic." you got upset that i had been offended. i ended up apologizing, even though i hadn't actually done anything.
afterwards, you picked up the phone again. after texting for a little bit, you snorted. "okay," you said, "but it is kind of funny you're afraid of the dark. i mean, when you think about it."
#spilled ink#writeblr#i'm trying to write about this really specific and wierd new experience#that i think is specific to the internet generation#where people you trust can just... say whatever??? and while most people are trustworthy#sometimes they'll just like... put ur shit out there????#and the thing is that sometimes it's GOOD - i want you to tell ppl if ur partner is being cruel!!!!!#i want u to be like ''hey is it normal if xyz happens'' ... but stuff like ''she's afraid of the dark''#PARTICULARLY when it's CLEARLY making fun of me....#what is the point of that.#this is huge and complicated and happens outside of romantic relationships too btw#like someone u thought of as a friend will be like . oh did u know she's scared of heights and it's like.#girl why are u fuckin doing that tho?#it's not a SECRET i just ...???????????????????????#and i think that gross feeling of like -- ''i can't REALLY be upset bc there's not a TRUE RULE about this....''#it's just not something talked about. bc it's so specific and yet so complex#bc how could i say like '' this is a violation of trust'' when it... technically I GUESS isn't????????????#idk maybe im just like super sensitive but please tell me in the comments/tags/etc if this is#something u have experienced (a trusted person like spreading ur shit) and if u were cool with it
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the fact that people still use the "no one would talk to a friend that way" "no one would grieve for someone like that if it was just platonic" etc arguments to prove a ship is canon is so annoying to me. yes i get it, we got queerbaited hard but where does it say that romance has to be higher than a friendship or no one said friends couldn't also be lovers or vice versa....? i normally say "popular media tropes that usually are for romance" when i talk about fiction but pulling a blanket statement like "NO ONE talks to a friend that way" is so invalidating to so much of our queer experiences. the beauty of queer friendship literally lies in the emotional fulfilment we get from our friends in a way that i don't normally see in cishet friendships for whatever reasons. so idk it's just been bothering me to see these kinds of posts every now and then. "you wouldn't do [x] for your friends" i would actually. i would sell my soul for them. i would kill for them and kill myself for them. i would do anything for my friends that i would do for a partner. the "proof" for a ship doesn't have to be by invalidating their friendship. also like aren't most of the ships so powerful when they're also each other's closest friends? do y'all not think of your partners as your best friends?
#sorry for the rant#i know that popular media tropes have changed our mindset on romqnce#it wasn't a thing in my country but now the dating scene is so westernised that it's the same here#im not saying people can't experience romance or friendship differently#in the context of queer people specifically i've noticed that most people struggle to differentiate between platonic and romantic feelings#and often feel a mixture of both or somewhere outside both#it's intense! Regardless#I'm also trying not to invalidate romance or people that experience it totally separately from friendships#but i genuinely wonder#do you stop being friends with the person you're dating#how does thay make sense#them not being your bestest friend?#anyways I'm aroace and in a qpr#maybe i'm just a little sensitive#but queer people also talking in a very heteronormative of looking at romance also confuses me#are we really putting a tag on how much someone grieves???#first of all human relationships dont work that way!!#there's no need to place them in different positions#it's not a competition#every relationship is unique to the two people involved in it#only they can categorize their relationship not outsiders
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after i made the undertale ones i knew i couldn't NOT make matching icons of these 2 aswell...
#mother 3#lucas#claus#mother series#even though there are like 15 ppl active in this fandom ❤️ if nobody uses it can just be me and my sideblog fr🔥🔥#i like these less than the undertale ones maybe bc theyre messierr?? i mean my art is always messy but#idk whenevr i indulge in my special intrrest even literally just drawinf the characters i get this like pain in my chest and like my hands#shake which i knwo is very Not Normal i swear i love it it just makes me feel crazy anxious when i draw with the Intent to post knowing how#so so sensitive i am about it for NO reason im just veruy autistic about this game and have a deep personal connection to it#so anyway the point of that tangent was to say i dont think ill ever make m3 art that ISNT messy bc of thr shaky hands#sorry if you read allat i have a tendency to get too real in the tags#izzy art
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how do people even find partners. i dont want a bullshit answer, like really
#maybe im intimidating but no one has been interested in me#its just. rough#and i cant force myself to like anyone romantically if i dont feel compatability#i just want to be cared about in an exclusive way that friendship alone cant fix#i dont post abt this often but i got no sleep so yall gotta deal#its um. crushing sometimes#i dont even know if im aro as cope. once i did THC im more emotionallt aware and its. haha#the people around me tell me things that make me feel like im a catch and i feel it myself but NO ONE has advanced#and ive only felt attracted to one person in my life. who was taken ofc#im not sure it wouldve worked out good though anyway since im more emotionally mature#but it was because he expressed genuine care towards me and made me feel good about myself in honest ways i havent heard from anyone#and made me feel important to him#so im really at a loss#and also our conversations flow really smooth and we agree on many things that we find important#are there any extroverts that confidently wear their hearts on the sleeves and try to bring joy that want me#someone sensitive to my needs#my needs of which are actually very very basic#hi
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the way a lot of the fandom talks about sam going to college is weird TO ME like idk I feel like there's more nuance to the situation considering he was using school as a way to get away from an abusive living situation it's not like he is some rich legacy kid who always knew he'd get in to a prestigious university and his dad pretty much disowned him and kicked him out when he found out like...
#idk maybe im just sensitive bc i relate to his reasoning lmao#personal#yes im going back to class traitor sam discourse in the year of our lord 2023 i have shit to say
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They sanitized being queer so much in Veilguard and for what. Your Inquisitor still needs to be binary, and god forbid if they transitioned between games. And for what, Cullen and Solas? Girl, dump him and take his gender. It won't fix you but it'll make shit funnier.
IF more than one romance actually mattered id understand it being too complicated to allow for transition, but seriously? only solas gets more than a codex entry afaik, how hard it would have been to have the m inquisitors record voice lines and have gareth david lloyd record alternate versions of like..any gendered lines which i assume there aren't many of. they should have dropped the illusion that romances had content and just done a 'did you romance solas?' toggle that any inquisitor could turn on lol
#ask#anonymous#sanitised really is the word. when ive finished the game maybe ill properly collect my thoughts on it#im just personally a fantasty homo/transphobia enjoyer. i know some people prefer escapism jn fantasy but#i think it's a good and interesting/safe way to explore feelings and dynamics surrounding being queer#and having veilguard be as surface level as it is wrt transphobia just feels like it isnt fully capturing feelings surrounding being trans#relatability isnt everything but how do you make a trans character feel real when they face none of the struggles#the average trans person faces?#ofc. may be a product of being made by middle class-ish canadians in a liberal city but i think it may be due to ea / sensitivity readers#veilguard spoilers#also im mad about the dorian romance because it feels like they dangle it in front of your face. but also no sera or josie????#theyre literally alive no matter your worldstate. they could have so easily thrown a bone to gay and lesbian players lol#bull's whole deal being butchered is another thing let's not even get into it. weekes you CHOSE to do that.#sorry these are tipsy rantings. but. i get my dissertation results back this week and wrote about negative emotion + transness#in fiction so if i get a good result maybe ill be able to write something real about dav#as it is im too scared to properly think about the topic bc im nervousdjwjdjwjej
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I'm sorry if what I say is wrong in any way, I don't mean to offend you, it's just something I'm not completely sure about. Does Adam use he/they or they/them pronouns? I think I saw a post of yours where you said that Adam uses he/they, but it was a while ago and now I'm not completely sure (and I don't want to use the wrong pronouns)
I know you don't mean anything by it, but I am sad that so many of the asks I get start with people saying "I'm sorry, I don't want to offend you" or some variation thereof, followed by completely normal questions. I think I may have been responding too harshly to too many things and given the impression that I'll jump at people for being wrong...
But asking clarifying questions is always okay. I mean, it's also okay to be wrong and even offensive. What matters is if you learn from it when someone points out that it was wrong or offensive. I won't stop telling people they're saying something hurtful if they are, but I don't want that to lead people to be scared of me or something.
Correcting people is always just about correcting them, not hurting them. It's okay to need to be corrected, were all learning new things every day.
Anyways Adam uses he/they, you remembered correctly
#i dont like when people pry about personal things#especially not when it's accusatory. I'm admittedly sensitive to a lifetime of people denying my identity#people saying i dont count as bi. or nonbinary. or disabled.#and so i tend to take questions around these as people trying to 'sus me out' as a fake or something...#and I'm always going to try to explain. generally gently... how these things are hurtful to me personally#or in the case of my characters how certain things can (in my opinion) be harmful mindsets to have#but i dont carry them with me and im not mad#im just 26 and kinda tired of making myself small to make other people more comfortable.#so. if im uncomfortable ill just say jt!#and ill do my best to explain why so people can maybe learn from it#but as someone who. i talked about this recently elsewhere. as someone who has anger management issues#and unfortunately has had to deal with people i care deeply about being scared of me...#it just makes me sad to see anons being scared of me.#that's all#im not upset or anything. just trying to be a better person.#I'm learning everyday too#asks#anon
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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ᯓ★
#i feel the way i feel and i dont owe it to anyone to hide my sadness </3333#also i just have bpd and even somewhere many ppl have that u cant even say anything but im just having a breakdown now 🤷🏻♀️#anyway what i wanted to say is that i AM sensitive and emotional and stupid#and it does hurt so much when the person i want and love doesnt feel that way for me#and i feel bad saying stuff like this bc ppl dont really understand but#i dont feel..: a whole lot... for anyone but him thats just how it is#so he IS a loss he IS so hard to lose and thats just how i feel#and it hurts sm bc hes the only one i wanna talk to but i cant#i know this is smth most ppl deal with in life and like it's just part of being a human#i just everyday keep thinking of things that remind me of him or i read a book i wanna tell him abt and then the pain comes back#bc the thing is i kinda only want to talk to him abt it all bc i just dont /feel/ a lot talking to others#that doesnt mean i dont appreciate it or care i just dont know how to explain#maybe it's my avpd? but i just dont feel happy or nice or good or comfortable or excited or interested in the same way :((((#i dont know i barely know what im talking or thinking about#and i keep saying the same things over and over again im just so sad and it feels like i always will be#bc i have bpd and then the pain feels all consuming and like it will never end and its just so hard to deal with#and even if it might be true when ppl say stuff like u deserve love or you're gonna find someone else etc#im not ready to receive it bc i only want this specific person and i get that many ppl deal with unrequited love and its part of life#but i AM scared bc im 25 and i've never ever met anyone i feel even a fraction for what i feel for him#what if im someone who doesnt get many chances w ppl? what if im cursed to be alone and never find anyone i have a mutual connection to????#so therefore i just wanted thought believed and hoped it would be him#and yes i acknowledge that a lot of it was just me wanting that and not realizing reality but its still how i felt#and as a bpd girlie my emotions are all consuming 🥴#so bottom line is i kinda just wanna die bc i wanna talk to him every second bc im crazy and mentally ill and since i cant do that im in sm#pain hahahah :D#and i will complain abt it bc it hurts so much idk what to do!!!!! ☺️
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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.
#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more#but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse#i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society#and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this#but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on#and everyone else is just painfully oblivious#I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao#when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak#and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much#i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind#and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it#im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings#but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel#and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard#and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person#i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time#like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people#i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe#Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything#and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them#and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly#like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl#i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well#my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things#and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!
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pls reblog
#polls#hyperspecific poll#kai rambles#personal#doing this i realised how much if my weird experiences were either too depressing or violent to put as an option#or would need a lot more words to explain#i decided to skip out on ''had a local drug dealer try to groom you into being a mule''#i find it funny because he tried it while my mom was in the room?#but im aware its a sensitive topic#i also did not know how to casually word the times my dad would randomly drive us to like some ruins in the english countryside#and like say ill be back in an hour#and then leave us there#because what the fuck even was that?#also how to explain that my maternal uncle and maternal grandad were in opposing local gangs that folded before i was born#but like in an alternate universe id probably be raised in a gang?#and also anything about my aunt meryl i dont know how to phrase any of that in limited words because she is just the most bizzare lady#i maybe could get the neck brace thing in where she accused me and my mom of stealing her neckbrace and handcream#and told us to never speak to her until we were ready to admit it except we didnt take it#and its probably coming up to a decade now
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#having a creative rut feeling#gonna rant#im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well#and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that#like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw#but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it#i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh#idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make#and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame#but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset#im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay#bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know#I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content#multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame#but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't#vent ish
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wish y’all would stop making fun of that fake promo pic for s8 as if it’s cw’s fault and not made by some random person who probably put in a lot of effort into their fanart
#maybe im overthinking it#but so much of the time people who create fanart or fanfics get so nervous if people will judge or hate them or make fun of them#and that post has 8k notes right now of people saying how dumb it is#like if i was that person who created it and saw it i would feel so sad#ik people say it’s bad because they think cw paid money for it from a professional and maybe im just sensitive but seeing that would#really hurt my feelings and i think stuff like that (especially bc the truth is in the notes) leads people who are#maybe nervous to create stuff and solidies the fact that they shouldn’t even further and that’s not cool!#supernatural fandom#supernatural#wank adjacent#also can we talk about how the vibes are captured perfectly like idc what u say that IS s8
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Gosh, this sudden change in weather has absolutely wrecked me, Im so damn useless I can barely sit straight, not to mention any type of thesis writing or anything similar ;_;
Guess it's time to take a forced break and let my brain slush around my skull like the sludge it has turned into, ughh
#personal#vent#Im pretty sensitive to weather on a normal basis and now?#it's gone from hot sunny 30+ degrees Celcius to cold rainy 10 degrees in just a few days and I am SUFFERING#plus the atmospheric pressure (or whatever its called in english) is apparently at an all time low#and my normal blood pressure is naturally pretty low#so I guess that has an impact too#Im just#Im really so tired and brain fogged and on the edge of a headache its kinda ridiculous#we're also having red alerts for rains and possible flooding so#yeah#the weather'a gone from sunny tropics to 'its gonna flood!!' colder than autumn#Imma prob spend my day watching youtube and daydreaming fanfic scenarious#scenarios*#maybe start a tv series or smth#bcs nothing else seems doable with the sludge for brain I have right now ;/
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