#maybe if i get my other Tasks done and still have energy...

[blorboresidue]

was this close to buying a mini yoga mat for my cat off etsy for $40 cause he really likes scratching my yoga mat lately and then I remembered I bought mine at the thrift store and I could just buy another one there and like, cut it to size. I'm a genius

[jollyhunter]

24 Kinky Days with Dean x reader - Day 11.

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Pairing: Dean Winchester x fem!reader

Warnings: NSFW - MDNI! - includes explicit sexual content. It's a kinky writing challenge, so expect anything at this point, (nothing freaky, don't worry) but it's a surprise calendar so I won't spoil it! (Also, English is not my native language) Contains brief reference to Dec.1 (Sunshine) as well as Dec.9 (Whip Stroke) !

Summary: It's Christmas shopping day and Dean and you are cooped up in the fitting room, bickering, when one thing leads to the other...

Words: 2,170

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Feedback and reblogs are highly appreciated! And let me know whether you enjoy it so far! <3 A/N: This prompt took me way too long and I think it shows... I rewrote it a good 4 times and now I'm late with posting it :') But I hope it turned out well enough and ya'll enjoy it nonetheless!

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11th Dec. - Temptation

It's a bustling atmosphere, a wry cocktail mix of merry Christmas songs playing overhead and a grouchy Dean cooped up with you in the fitting room. “Maybe I should get the other tie…” you mumble to yourself, mentally going through different outfits for Dean.

“Please don‘t…” you hear Dean interject next to you, but you ignore him, focused on the task to get you both through this. With a contemplating hum, your eyes scan the assortment of outfits you had picked for him for the upcoming Christmas dinner with your family. You decide to start out with the white shirt, your hand running along the fabrics to smooth out some wrinkles.

Dean suddenly drapes his muscular arm around your neck, heavy and warm against your cheek before he pulls you in close to tuck your head under his chin where he places a soft kiss on your head. “Can we please go home?” He mutters against your hair, still keeping you close to distract himself with your scent (and to keep the clothings out of your reach).

You push a bit into his sides, turning in the narrow cabin to face him. “Nope, we‘re not done yet,” you chuckle as you tilt your head to glance up at him with a teasing smile. But your amusement dies down the moment you see his face; His eyes briefly pull shut before they go wide again in an effort to hold your gaze, his head visibly hard to keep up. Dean looks exhausted. You both didn't get much sleep lately, and on top of that, you know he is bored out of his mind, not being a fan of the holiday shopping spree.

“That bad?” you ask, although you already see the answer in his half-lidded eyes.

“Mhm,” he lets out a tired hum while he nuzzles his nose against your hair, sniffing the sweet smell of it. His voice is hoarse and quiet, seemingly left of any energy to speak properly, “‘m real tired…”

“Just this one, then we‘re done. Okay?” you insist while you reach up to gently tug at the front of his jacket, pulling it off and dropping it onto the small plastic stool in the corner of the cabin.

“You’ve been sayin’ that for the past 3 hours…” He groans and drops his forehead to your shoulder, “Please.” He begs now, his thumb gently caressing your upper arm.

Yeah, okay. You might have overdone it a bit. But it was the first day in months where you had a day - an entire day - with no hunting business whatsoever. So, naturally you took the chance. You‘d been running from one shop to the next since the early morning. Which wasn‘t that much of a deal for you, but clearly you overestimated Dean‘s shopping-stamina.

“Come on, we’re almost done,” you coo softly while you wiggle yourself free from his grip. “You wanna look good, don't you?”

His arms reluctantly slide off your shoulders to fall heavily next to his sides and his head drops forward for a moment. With a low grunt, he catches himself mid-air just to slump with his shoulder against the mirror, almost knocking into you in the process. “You kiddin' me? I look fucking great in anything...” he rolls his eyes and tries to argue cockily, but his tired words lack his usual bite.

Unperturbed, your hands effortlessly work their way down his buttons. He watches your stubborn determination with a frustrated look, but he’s too tired to put up any fight. “Up with your arms big baby.” You instruct and without waiting for his reaction, you first pull his shirt off and then unbuckle his belt to pull his pants off as well, stripping him naked for what feels like the twentieth time today.

You turn around to fetch a white shirt and marine blue pants off the hanger, matched with the first one out of the six suits, all waiting to be tried on. Meanwhile you hear him grumble something about ‘relentless damn woman‘ as he‘s rubbing the space between his eyebrows. You roll your eyes but keep going, pulling one outfit off the hanger after the other while Dean’s muttering disgruntled words under his breath. The entire time you try to navigate around Dean, but it was a difficult task with him almost keeling over and burying you alive in the narrow cabin at any given moment.

After a while you turn away again to finally fetch the last piece. “Your cute ass still red from all the whippin’?” he asks out of nowhere. And this time all of sudden his gravelly and slurred voice was way louder than before, enough to get you to whirl around with a panicked expression. A lazy, cocky smirk forms on his lips when he realizes that he‘s finally found a way to throw you off course and draw your attention away from the clothings, “I bet it is… the way you were whimperin’… an’ me whipping an’ fu-” your hand darts out to clasp it over his lips, mouthing a silent “shut it!”, praying that no one heard him. But he just continues to mumble, his words now muffled by your hand. You shoot him a glare, watching how he enjoys your flustered state with a tired version of his trademark cheshire grin, standing there in nothing but white boxers – tenting big time.

You had learned a while ago that when Dean is exhausted and practically running on steam, he has four phases; First he turns grouchy and irritated. When you won’t give in, his annoyance soon crumbles and he’s desperate and pleading. Still no luck? He’ll huff and puff and grumble in frustration like a child. You’re still relentless? Dean will lose every bit of the little inhibitions he has, and turn into a tired ‘n horny mess.

He gently grabs your hand on his mouth and places a kiss to your palm before his tongue suddenly darts out to lick it. You almost screech at the unexpected wetness on the inside of your hand and instantly pull it back. Dean grins mischievously with a hint of pride at his dirty move. “Y’know… I could use some juice,” he drawls out before he pulls his bottom lip back to graze his teeth across it. You stare up at him with raised eyebrows, the realization dawning on you; Dean has entered the fourth phase.

“Heh-heh,” Dean lets out his typical cocky chuckle in reaction to your lack of response. His half-lidded eyes glint with mischief when his hand trails down your back - but you swat it away before it reaches its destination.

“Dean, focus! Not here.” You hiss in a low voice, trying to get his mind out of the gutter. But despite your slight annoyance, you can’t fight off the small amused smile creeping up on your face.

“Oh come on baby, gimmi somethin’... please.” He mutters, leaning closer again to shower your scrunched up face with little kisses now. His strong arms are loosely draped over your shoulders, still heavy as they caress your back with slow circles. “I’ll be good… I promise…” He nudges your cheek with his nose before he drops his head to your shoulder, mumbling against your neck, “I need you… please….” His voice takes on that desperate, pleading tone which for some reason always slips into a sudden extra thick Texan accent when he’s this deadbeat. “‘m serious… I’ll be good… an’… an’ I’ll try on whatever you want… an’ be yer mule for the rest of the day…”

That earned himself a chuckle of yours to which he lifts his head to look at you with a lazy smile. For some reason you can’t help but feel like this cuddly, touchy, needy and hella knackered Texan-boy version of his has got something incredibly endearing.

He goes back to pepper your exposed skin with kisses and despite his half-comatose state, he manages to hit every single right spot on your neck all the way up to your ear, sending a shiver down your spine, right to your core. His stubbles brush against your jawline while you nuzzle your nose against the side of his face, the smell of him suddenly much more intense and tantalizing. Without realizing it, you tilt your head to the side, gaining him more access. Meanwhile his hands travel down your back once more, but this time you allow him to move on, to squeeze and massage your ass. You have to stifle a small moan against his bare chest and moments later your lips start planting kisses all over his abs before you can even register it. Dean groans into the crook of your neck, his hot breath tingling your skin while his fingers dig into the fabric of your jeans.

But then you suddenly tense up and pull slightly back as you could’ve sworn you heard a noise from outside the fitting room. Wait - Shit. Right. You curse inwardly when the realization of you being in public slaps you right out of your mindless state. “Dean, wait-” you mutter in slight panic and Dean freezes instantly, his lips still pressed against your skin while he glances at you from the corner of his eyes with a raise of his brows.

“What if somebody hears us?” You continue, your rational mind clinging to your fear of getting caught.

Dean raises his head, just enough to whisper softly against your ear, his hoarse voice rumbling and reassuring despite his state, “s’okay… there’s no one else down here… nuthin’ to worry, sunny.” You raise an eyebrow at the new version of ‘sunshine’ but don’t get to comment on it, as he continues in a teasing tone. “An’ if anyone does happen to hear us, they’ll jus’ know we’re havin’ a real fun time.”

“But…” you start out, your increasingly clouded mind desperately trying to come up with some argument but ultimately giving in to the lips on your skin and the pooling heat between your legs.

It’s an interesting thing, how quickly the fear of getting caught can turn into excitement, only fuelling one’s desire to go on. The temptation to test the limits. Just a bit more. Just a kiss more, a touch more - okay, one soft moan won’t be enough to get anyone's attention, right? Yeah alright, that was a bit loud, Dean, but if we keep it down we can keep this going… just a tad bit longer.

“Nothing more than a little hanky-panky - okay?” You state between kisses.

“Nuthin’ more than a little hanky-panky.” He repeats huskily.

Minutes later that poor stool of the corner creaks under the combined weight of Dean, and you straddling his thighs, bouncing up and down on his thick cock. Your forehead drops to rest on his head, your teeth tugging at strands of his dark blond hair whenever he pulls you down by your hipbones. He groans into your shirt, his face dug between your breasts in a weak effort to muffle his sounds. You stifle a whimper when he suddenly grazes his teeth along the fabrics, pinching your nipple with his teeth. Your nails claw at the skin of his bare back and his neck, and your lips are firmly pressed against his hair as you try to hold in your own moans and your frantic panting.

The stool squeaks in protest when your rhythm picks up its pace and Dean starts to buck his hips to meet you halfway. A loud guttural moan escapes your throat when the tip of his cock hits a sensitive spot, but your sound is quickly muffled by Deans hand. “Shhh… let’s not alarm the staff…” He whispers into your ear with a sly smirk. You nod and he pulls his hand away again to clash his lips with yours, swallowing each other’s exclaims of pleasure while you both feel the need to go harder, deeper. Dean tightens his grip on your hips and you hook your feet around the stools legs. He slams you down on his cock, feeling it grow harder with each thrust when you start clenching your walls around him and feel yourself grow closer to that sweet release. A few moments later, all three of you are trembling and groaning, so close to the breaking point that - Hold on a second.

But it’s too late, you’re both too far gone to form any thoughts now, your bodies working mindlessly to get you over that edge. At last, a deep, muffled groan echoes through the room as you both come undone and collapse on the stool, shaking and panting heavily. Unfortunately that’s the last push needed to send the stool over the edge as well; before either of you realize what’s going on, its legs give in with a row of shuddering cracks and you all three crash into the floor in a cacophony of plastic snapping, a high pitched scream, and a half-strangled “Son of a bitch!”

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Masterlist of opened windows:

1st Dec. - Sunshine 2nd Dec. - Spell Book 3rd Dec. - Lights Out 4th Dec. - Tickle 5th Dec. - Dirty UNO 6th Dec. - (TBA) 7th Dec. - Candlelight 8th Dec. - Hex Play 9th Dec. - Whip Stroke 10th Dec. - Barbie World 11th Dec. - Temptation

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Tags:

@ariasong11 @deansjacket @literallylexa @lmpala1967 @foxyjwls007 @impala67rollingthroughtown

[harunayuuka2060]

Neige: MC! *sniffles* You got hurt!

MC: I am alright, Neige... Though what are you doing here?

Vil: He insisted on coming with me when he heard about the news.

MC: ...

MC: *glances at Rook*

Rook: *smiles at them*

MC: ...

MC: *turns their attention back to Vil and Neige* Thank you both for your concern, but it was only a minor injury.

Vil: Your bandage on your arm says otherwise. *looking stern now*

MC: It's fine now since it's been treated.

Neige: MC, you should always be careful!

MC: I will. Thanks for reminding me, Neige.

Vil: ...

Vil: I checked the CCTV. You fought with the burglar.

MC: ...

MC: Yes.

Vil: Why didn't you wake me up?

MC: I didn't want to disturb your rest. Besides, I handled it just fine.

Vil: ...

Vil: You still got yourself injured. If it was Rook, he would—

MC: Yes. He's much capable to serve you. He was your vice housewarden when you were still studying in Night Raven College, right?

Vil: ...Yes.

MC: And I guess he has always been exceptional.

MC: He's the best for you, Vil. I'm sure he wouldn't mind working for you.

Vil: ...

MC's co-worker: Is your friend alright? I saw him walked out and dragged Neige LeBlanche with him.

MC: They had a schedule to follow.

Their co-worker: Ya veo. But Vil Schoenheit looked like he was fuming mad.

MC: ...

MC: That sounds like an exaggeration.

Their co-worker: Oh, yeah. Of course. What I mean is his aura, okay? It's burning.

MC: *shakes their head* Let's just get back to work.

Their co-worker: Oh wait! Rook. Rook just quit. I didn't know why, but he said that his job here is done.

MC: ...

MC: Vil must've hired him.

Their co-worker: That fast? Quite a privilege, no?

MC: *chuckles* *proceeds to continue with their task*

Rook: Roi du Poison, there must be a reason why Ami masqué refused your offer.

Vil: They've found out that we are affiliated to each other, Rook.

Rook: Oh! How could that be possible? I was certain I didn't raise any suspicion!

Vil: That doesn't matter now. My plan didn't work.

Rook: You shouldn't lose hope, Roi du Poison. I know deep inside that Ami masqué cherishes you. Maybe they just need more time to realize that.

Vil: ...

Vil: Rook, were you not listening to me when I told you about our story?

Rook: Non. I had listened intently. And my point still stands.

Vil: ...

Customer A: You lack energy today, MC. Did something happen?

MC: Huh? What do you mean?

Customer B: It feels like you're sulking about something. Or we could be wrong.

MC: ...

MC: You two seem to have been drinking a lot.

The customers: We're sober!

MC: It doesn't look like it to me.

The customers: Manager! Your concierge is judging us!

The manager: *chuckles and waves her hand dismissively*

The bartender: I think MC is sulking because Vil Schoenheit isn't here today.

The customers: Oh!

MC: No. That's not the reason at all. *carries the drunk woman*

The drunk woman: We're going home?

MC: Yes, miss. Is there someone waiting for you to be home?

The drunk woman: No...

MC: I see. We'll get going.

The bartender: Don't sulk! *as MC walks out of the nightclub with the customer*

The drunk woman: Looks like they're teasing you...

MC: Please don't mind them.

Vil: *staring at MC's phone number*

Vil: *decides to call them; not really hoping that MC would answer*

MC: Vil?

Vil: MC—

'MC~ You smell good~'

Vil: ...

MC: Please excuse me.

MC: Miss, you're inhaling the fabric conditioner.

'But this has never smelled so good before~'

Vil: Looks like you are in the middle of something.

MC: Ah, yes. Sorry. I will call you back. *hangs up*

Vil: ...

Vil: *smiles in irritation*

[harvestmoss]

Beginner Witch Tips

Where does one even start? Well, there's hundreds of lovely people both on Tumblr and other blog spaces, as well as wonderful beginner books and online resources out there that love to help. This is just one of many other witches takes on what a beginner witch may want to start researching and do, and some extra bits.

Before Magic:

What is magic to you? - You can't start performing magic until you learn how magic functions in your eyes. How do you make sure a spell will work? What is energy in magic? It may be a lot to ask, but it's something to keep in mind as you research other topics that might help uncover this question more, or vice versa, it can help you understand other topics.

Meditation is not *just* sitting and doing nothing - In my path I beat myself up so hard for not being able to sit down with my legs crossed and hands on my knees, sitting perfectly still, and just empty my thoughts for 10 boring long minutes. Meditation is a practice that involves focusing the mind to achieve a state of calm and clarity. Which means that if you can make your mind more clear and calm by sewing, listening to music, doing exercise, chant, etc. Learn what sort of meditation works best for you. I meditate outside by looking down at the ground to find amulets, or swimming, and inside it's when I draw or focus on a task.

Correspondence list - Find out what correspondences (example) basil has, but also, why does it have that? And maybe, it doesn't have those correspondences to you at all! This counts for colours, crystals and other things too.

Closed practices - It's good to know which sorts of practices are closed, semi closed, and open. As well as what practices Wicca preach and so on, it's a way to recognize what perspective your sources are writing from.

Pregnant or medicated people, please be careful - This may seem strange, but before just casting a spell or using herbs, please be mindful of what it contains as some herbs can have negative effects on pregnant people or your medication you're taking. This counts for poisonous herbs as well, know what to avoid or be careful with.

Do your own research - I can spew a lot of things to you, but I can only do it from my perspective. Learn from more than just one place. From both in real life and online.

Time For Magic

Cleansing magic - Figure out how to cleanse a space for magic use, you don't want energies mixing in with your spells. As an example, I can't cook in a kitchen that's filled with dishes and dirty counters. The same goes for spells, I can't perform spells until energies are clear and gone.

Protection magic - Every witch says this. But yes. Protection magic is useful even if you have no enemies. Once you have gotten rid of unwanted energies, it's time to make sure they won't come back in and make sure to up keep your protection regularly.

Warding and banishing magic - Listen, you can clean as much as you want, but you simply won't get rid of mold unless you use bleach. You simply can't get rid of annoying spirits unless you have a good banishing and warding spells you can rely on. Especially if you plan on summoning spirits whenever it's the elements or some high level demon later down your path. You must have a banishing spell in case things go wrong.

Charging and binding magic - Your magic will prove more powerful if you learn how to charge your energy and tools and also binding them to certain powerful uses. You may find a stick and use it as a wand, but it'll be more powerful if you spend the time to charge it, learn about it, and only use it for specific rituals.

Bonus Tips:

Stop researching about different types of witches - Maybe this is a hot take or not. Besides knowing what a pagan and wiccan is and closed practices, there's no need to write about what a sea witch, a hearth witch, a death witch, a divination witch, etc is! When I first started out, I got so stressed out because once I got done writing and research about 10 different witches, another 400 would show up, I gave up about it and used my focus and energy on other more crucial things than "a sea witch is someone who works with the ocean and..." *snores* we know, it's in the name. Besides, you shouldn't focus on labels so early on in your practice.

Amulets are not just shiny jewellery - Movies love to predict amulets and talismans as these hereditary important gemstone necklaces. But honestly, you can make an amulet out of anything. Snail houses, rocks, seashells, bags of herbs, nails, sea glass, horseshoe, or actually your every day jewellery like your wedding ring, earrings, and favourite bracelet.

Self-care witchcraft is not that fantastic - Maybe it's just me but the last thing I wanna do in a "self-care" ritual is clean up all the herb baths and find herbs and grind my own tea. True self-care witchcraft is taking care of your doctors appointment and enchanting them with luck and good news. Or Finally getting around to cleaning the oven (the hearth) so that your home is healthy once again.

Use things you have in your area - Learn what's around you in your city, not just stores but what can you get from parks, lakes, forests, and beaches near you? When do the herbs in your area bloom? When can you harvest acorns? Can you get flowers from the park or do you have to source them somewhere else in your area? Are you able to grow your own stuff in on your balcony or kitchen? And also, be mindful, always leave some left so it can come back next year.

[furiousgoldfish]

I didn't see this right away, but my parents refusing to teach me anything really got to me, and not only in the way of lacking survival skills. I was being told things like 'how old are you not to know this' and 'you should know this by now' constantly, but nobody ever took the time or patience to explain or demonstrate to me how anything works. I had school education, so I was able to absorb information, but that was still, me being one of the 20+ children sitting down, with one adult who spent more time trying to keep us disciplined and quiet, than managing to explain anything. If I didn't get anything, I was too afraid to ask. I was being told I was stupid on a daily basis anyway.

My parents insisted that I was too stupid to get anything, too clumsy and ignorant and incapable, so it wasn't worth trying to teach me anything, it was a waste of energy. I was supposed to absorb knowledge by looking at what they're doing, but they would often give me other tasks to do, I wasn't free to observe. I believed that I was specifically dumb and incapable, and this was the only reason why I didn't have any skills. I actually believed that I was clumsy, stupid, incapable of doing anything correctly. I didn't think I was worth teaching, worth mentoring.

There was one time I was in my friend's house, and there was a guitar. I touched it, fascinated, since I've never had the chance to touch one before. My friend's father saw my interest, and offered to show me how to play. I was flabbergasted. He showed me how to hold it, how to press my fingers on the strings to create different chords, how to make sound happen. It took maybe 20 minutes. But it was the first time an adult showed me how something worked, and I felt.. unworthy. I didn't understand how could I deserve so much of someone's time and patience, because it had never happened before. I couldn't retain the knowledge, because that was the last time I ever touched a guitar, I never got the chance again. I still feel indebted for that 20 minutes, it feels like too much spent on me.

I thought back to those moments a lot, thinking about how special I felt for an adult to believe that I was worth teaching. If someone gave me a guitar now, I'd be ecstatic to try and learn it, because I remember that someone thought I could, someone showed me how. All of the other skills, I had to learn while already thinking I would fail, that I couldn't do it, and had to deal with extensive negative mindset before even trying to start. There is no skill that one can do perfectly on the first time, we all start by being awful, and then slowly get better with practice. But, with the 'I fail at everything and even if I try it will go bad' mindset, the awful start feels like a confirmation that we cannot do this, that we're too incapable, or stupid, or lacking in talent. Since all my work was heavily criticized no matter how well I've done, I had to go back and figure out what things I actually do okay, and criticism was unwarranted, and where I've actually been lacking in knowledge. And that is a complicated thing to do, when all of the criticism feels so painful, and even trying to do something makes you hear the words of ridicule, degradation and berating in your head. It makes you want to go the route of perfectionism, to try and do things so well they would be above criticism in general, but that's impossible. Criticism we receive in abuse is not actual criticism, it's often directed at us only to hurt our feelings, to discourage us, mock us, make us feel inadequate, sometimes even out of jealousy or because our capabilities present a threat, so they need to run that down. But how would we know? If all feedback is negative, it's impossible for us to sort trough what is a confirmation of being awful, and what is a jealous remark created to sabotage our good work.

Sometimes it feels bad learning everything on my own. Finding online tutorials and youtube videos for every skill imaginable, sifting trough forums to find information on finances and economy, trying to put together how society works by analyzing how people live and not daring to ask them to explain how they got where they are now. I had no guidance, and sometimes things would be too complicated, and I would give up. I often wish I could ask someone to explain it to me, instead of typing questions into google. The information is stored differently when it comes from a human, it creates warmth and the knowledge that someone cared enough to explain it to me, that I didn't have to put it together from various sources myself.

Learning basic survival and life skills was unnecessarily painful for me. I still have things I cannot do, just because of how much pain is associated with them. But to think everything could have been as simple as that guitar! If every time I showed interest in something, an adult who knew how it worked sat down next to me, demonstrated it, gave it to me to hold, put my hands in the right places, and directed me to what I should do. Would I ever have trouble believing in myself? It wouldn't have crossed my mind that there's anything I can't do. Or that I would fundamentally be bad at anything, just because I'm bad at it on the first attempt. When you're a kid, you don't even know if you're doing good or bad, if your first attempt gets a 'good job!', you're incentivized to do it again, until you do get good at it. That's why we encourage children, not to lie to them, but because we know how painful it is to be told off on your first try, and that it will make the second try unlikely.

Today I understand that all skills are gained trough practice, and that I can pick and choose what skills I want, and I can get them with enough practice. I can and do give up on some that are too frustrating, and that's okay too, we are all more inclined towards some activities, while others feel bad even with improvement.

As a kid I was enveloped by fear of not being able to do anything, not being useful enough to be kept alive, never being good at anything, not finding any kind of place in the world, just because I can't do anything right. All of that fear was necessary, there's tons of stuff that anyone can do, with some more complicated stuff that one needs to be specialized in, but it's not necessary for survival, or even for earning a place in society. We all have a place, by birthright, and just having skills is not as important as with what purpose you're using them for. You can be extremely skilled and using those skills to exploit, destroy and do damage to society, or even to isolate some members of society who you can then hurt. Or you can have very few skills but be insistent on using what you do only to help those around you be safe and sound.

[themusingsofacurlyhairednerd]

In Love and War (6)

Author's Note: This came out angstyyyyyyyyyy, I'm sorry idk what happened. It's gotta get worse before it gets better, I guess.

Content Warnings: Canon Typical Violence, Azriel using Truth-Teller, Mentions of Abuse/Death

Chapter 5/ Masterlist

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I can’t breathe. The walls of the tent close in, the dark leather pressing in closer and closer. If the ground were to open up and swallow me right now, I wouldn’t even have the presence of mind to scream. The fall would be a welcome reprieve from the roaring of my heart in my own ears.

What does he mean our fathers killed each other?  

It’s wrong. He’s wrong! He’s lying. He has to be lying!

I roll over so I can face him, so close on this small mat that our noses brush. His violet eyes glow in the darkness of the tent. “What do you mean?” The panic that edges my voice makes me sound shrill, even in my own ears.

I don’t want him to answer, but I desperately need him to tell me everything all at once. The wine threatens to come back up in a rush as his hand skims up my side to cup my cheek, “Tamlin didn’t tell you?”

How dare him touch me while we have this conversation; what is so broken and wrong inside of me that I let him? I know that I am shaking in his grip and when he starts rubbing calming circles into my cheek with his thumb I lean into that touch like it might give me one last life line to cling to.

“He said you killed my father.”

He stills, wings fluttering; I feel it pass through him like its own little draft, skittering across his wings. A dark mist follows, seeping from his skin. 

I know we’re not supposed to be talking about this, but the words are already out, whether from the wine or by the sheer desperation I feel crawling beneath my skin. I need to know! I need to know that everything I had believed was true. That all that I was doing this for was not based on a lie. 

He brushes his nose over mine, lips ghosting over my forehead. “When I see what they have done to you, I wish I had killed them both.”

My stomach twists. No. No. This can’t be happening!

“But no, it was my father, in retribution for what they had done.”

But I saw him holding the sword! I saw him leave the tent! I never saw his father’s body and Tamlin had always said he arrived too late to save any of them, that all he could do was fend Rhys off to keep him from slaughtering what was left of us. 

The confusion must be evident on my face, because he asks, “You really don’t know, do you?”

It’s more than a little patronizing but I don’t even have the energy to be angry about it, because my whole life is a lie! I’ve spent decades hating him. I just offered up my body and possibly my future to destroy him for nothing? For something his father, who’s long dead, did?

“Maybe we should talk about this in the morning,” he suggests and it’s definitely because I’m crying now and not because he’s trying to avoid it. 

My throat feels like it;s closing. “No!” And it’s then that I feel the faintest prick of fangs growing behind my lips. “Please just tell me.”

His thumb soothes over my cheek again, like he can feel the sudden shift in my being. I don’t know where that rush of power comes from. Maybe it is some sort of effect of being so close to him while he repairs the wards. 

“Rhys!” It’s always Azriel that interrupts us somehow, the shadowy male hurtling into the tent with that wicked looking dagger in hand. “We’ve got movement in the hills.”

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! Now? Of all the Cauldron damned times for Amarantha to show herself, it has to be right now?!

Rhysand is on his feet in an instant, reaching for my discarded chest piece and ushering me into it, our conversation forgotten. “How many?”

I wish I could say I possess his ability to compartmentalize tasks, but despite the worst possible danger knocking on our unguarded and unwarded doors, all I can think about is how desperately we need to finish this conversation. 

“Five, a scout and four chargers. I’ve got Nox and Avos on their trail, but I don’t see any marks yet.” Azriel continues, oblivious to my inner turmoil.

Rhysand slings my quiver and bow over my shoulders again, checking all the straps to ensure they’re in place. He’d never taken his own armor off, only the belt for his sword, he uses a tendril of shadowy darkness to strap it into place while he finishes with me. “Stay with her.”

Azriel eyes me like I’m a pile of shit he accidentally stepped in, but I’m too busy trying to wipe my eyes on my sleeves to care. “You might need me out there,” he protests.

“Might,” Rhysand counters, stalking out of the tent in search of his horse. “But I definitely need you here more.” He grabs the reins on his horse, the mount still saddled, just in case we’d needed to leave in a hurry. Dinner threatens to come back up as I watch him slide into his cloak. I’ve spent my life hating that triple star pattern that will sit over his eyes, cursing his existence, wishing him every pain and misery imaginable for ruining my life and it wasn’t even his fault?

The ground is unsteady beneath my feet, I feel myself stumble and sway and I can’t tell if it’s the wine or the reality of the situation that makes my legs feel like jelly. 

I want to go home! I want this to be a bad dream. 

For a moment, I think he might simply toss the cowl over his head and mount up, leaving me to sit here in the misery of our half finished conversation, but he comes back a moment later, hand sliding into my hair as he tilts my head back and kisses me swiftly.

He should taste as bitter as the wine we’d shared. I should feel nothing but misery when he slips his tongue behind my teeth, but when he has me like this, nothing else matters. There doesn’t have to be anything between us. I do not feel like some broken, wretched thing.

“Don’t leave Azriel’s side,” he says as he pulls away. “We’ll finish our conversation when I return, I promise.” Then he mounts up, calling for half of the men as he goes. The thundering sound of the horses hooves as they race down into the grassy hills beneath us makes it feel like we’re standing in the center of an earthquake.

There’s enough moonlight to watch them go, their mounts and flowing capes in the wind making them appear like wraiths racing towards the enemy. 

With half of the men gone, and two scouting, that leaves Azriel and four other men to guard camp. None of them look too happy about it, least of all Azriel, who keeps watching me out of the corner of his eye like he thinks I might disappear at a moment’s notice. I remain next to him, anxiously shifting my weight from foot to foot, hoping the chill on the wind might wake my dull senses up.

Shadows drift off Azriel’s shoulders, but unlike Rhysand’s that always stay curled around his body, Azriel’s drift off like inky tendrils, testing the wind around him. Some slither along the ground like snakes, searching through patches of grass for an unwanted scent, others drift away, testing the wind for him. One remains perched over his ear, and I hear the faint sound of whispering like the shadows are reporting what they find. 

We can no longer see the others, and I spin slowly around in a circle, taking stock of my surroundings. We’re a little higher than the base of the mountain, perched on a cleft in the rock for a better vantage point. The ward remains behind us, I think, without the trail of Rhysand’s magic, I still can’t see or feel this one. To the left and right, the rocky base of the mountain is dotted with ancient trees, some thicker than a house, but the coming winter has stolen their leaves, no vantage point for archers to be had there without being sitting ducks. Beneath us, the rolling hills of grass stretch far out of sight. If Amarantha brought an army behind those first five riders, she’s hidden it well. Still, the thought makes a chill run up my spine and I keep a hand around the hilt of my dagger, just in case.

Azriel does nothing to quell my nerves, just stands there, still as a statue, listening to his shadows, eyes glued to the horizon. I can’t help but wonder if his shadows show him things as much as they tell him. Can he see Rhysand right now?

My stomach twists at the thought. I can’t see him. I can’t hear if he’s ok. There’s nothing in my arsenal to tell me that he’s coming back. And Cauldron boil me, I want him to come back. If he dies without finishing our conversation, I might never learn what happened. Whether it’s the truth or not is yet to be seen, but Tamlin’s account and his account are different, and I will be damned if I don’t get some answers from someone. 

The hand not holding my dagger reaches up to rub at the scar above my ear, hidden under my hair. Tam and I had been fighting that day, he’d been on edge about something and when I’d pushed too hard he’d shoved me right into the corner of a table. I’d been in the healer’s tent getting stitches; all these years I’d thought it was the Mother looking out for me, that little accident might have just saved my life. But looking at it now, I can’t help but wonder if it kept me from seeing the truth. 

I shift my weight again and Azriel’s gaze flicks back to me once more, irritated, like I’m somehow distracting him. 

“Sorry,” I mutter, locking my knees.

I can stand still, it’s fine. I force myself to focus on my breathing, but in the silence there’s one nagging thought that eats at me: Do I really believe Rhysand is telling the truth? I take him to bed one time, accept a couple gifts from him, and what? Believe everything he says as truth? Are claims of a mating bond really enough to make me believe he’d be open and honest with me? A mating bond certainly hadn’t saved my mother.

I close my eyes at the thought of her, chest aching. Did I believe Rhysand was right about that too? That my father had used her powers to try and breed powerful sons, not because he’d loved her? I’d certainly never seen my parents be affectionate towards each other, not even in the way Rhysand was with me. They’d never held hands, never ridden out together. He’d kept her clothed and fed, sure, and entertained her obsession with fairytales when it suited him. My mother told me, on one of her days of clarity, that he’d carved her rocking chair for her when he’d found out she was pregnant with Tam. But I never saw him be warm with her. I’m not even sure I ever saw them kiss, even on the cheek. But a lack of affection in public didn’t mean he cared so little about her he let her, supposed, powers drive her insane, did it?

“A scout’s coming back,” Azriel says, breaking me out of my thoughts. 

My eyes snap open as the rider crests the hillside and comes into view. Illyrian mounts really are beautiful, all sleek muscle and rippling midnight black manes. Together they make a lot of noise, but alone, they’re pretty damn quiet until their hooves hit rock.

Azriel motions me to follow him as he goes to the edge of the cleft in the rocks and waits as the scout approaches. “Well?”

“Not Amarantha,” the scout says and I let out a breath of relief. 

“Who the fuck would come out here then?” Someone behind me challenges. 

“Spring,” the scout says and all the blood drains from my face.

Azriel glances at me, but there’s pity in his hazel gaze this time. 

I swallow the lump in my throat. Not now, I’m not ready to see them yet! 

“What do they want?” I’m having a hard time processing that Tam would waste resources looking for me, especially when we’ve barely had horses to spare to move camp, let alone ride all the way out here.

“Proof you’re alive,” the scout says, holding out his hand.

It’s Azriel that smacks his hand away. “She only rides with me or Rhys.”

The mount shifts beneath the scout, his hood falling even lower down his face. Something feels off about it and I glance at Azriel for confirmation I’m not alone. He nods at me as he steps closer, hand on the small of my back as he leads me to where his own mount chews on a dying patch of grass. 

“Be ready,” he says in my ear.

The scout fidgets in his seat like he’s not used to riding in one and it’s that more than anything that has Azriel’s shadows flying off his shoulders to grab the rider by the wrist and yank him out of the saddle. He slams into the ground with a scream, the sound of bones crunching against rock so loud I wince as Azriel hoists me up into his saddle. 

I grab the reins to keep the horse steady, trying desperately to remember where Rhysand had held his hands when I rode with him. 

Azriel stalks over to the male, wings flaring as he knocks the back of the hood back with the tip of his dagger. Even in the moonlight, I know what swatch of dark hair and golden eyes. One of Tamlin’s Wolves, Andras. Of course he wouldn’t know how to ride, we’d survived a lot of skirmishes over the years because Tam had used his shapeshifting powers to change the men into beasts to fight. 

Azriel crouches in front of him as Andras grips his clearly broken shoulder. “Let’s try this again, shall we?”

Andras’ gaze flicks to me first. Thankfully, Azriel’s horse is a lot more patient than the others and my own nervous energy hasn’t caused it to run off. If anything, I think the animal cares less about my presence than its usual rider, because it goes back to eating.

“Your whore of a warlord-” that’s as far as Andras gets before Azriel slams the hilt of his dagger into the other male’s throat.

“Start like that again and I’ll make sure you never use that shoulder,” Azriel threatens with so much venom, I shiver. 

Andras coughs, good hand reaching for his throat and Azriel slams the blade clean through his forearm, pinning him in place.

I look away as Andras screams. He is not my friend, I can do nothing. I have always done nothing. The males have their fights and their quarrels and I have always stood on the sidelines waiting for the violence to pass like a good girl. 

“Ok! Ok!” Andras rasps. “I had orders to get into the camp and get Y/N, that’s it!”

But wasn’t being tired of standing on the sidelines that prompted me to stay here in the first place? Wasn’t I trying to make things better for my people? How was sitting here helping them?

“What about the others?” Azriel questions. 

“I don’t know! Lucien was supposed to handle that.” Andras replies through gritted teeth.

Do I even want to help them? If Rhysand was telling the truth, whose side am I even on? My head hurts from the questions, my stomach still churning end over end. I don’t know what to do.

“Where’s Tamlin?” Azriel asks as he rips the dagger out. 

Andras screams, the sound echoing off the rocks. “There’s only five of us! Tamlin never left camp.”

Of course he would send Lucien and not risk coming out here himself. That would put him face to face with Rhysand and he’d lose. And looking at it now, I realize that he knows it. He’s always known it. I rub a hand over the scar on my hand. Did he know about the bond too? Had that been why he was always so sure that I knew Rhysand was the enemy?

Azriel raises the dagger to make another cut and Andras screams, “I swear I’m telling the truth!”

“Azriel,” my voice is steadier than I feel and all eyes suddenly turn to me. I need to get answers. I need to do something. “Take me out there please.” 

“No.”

I tighten my grip on the reins. I’ll go out there myself if I have to. “If it’s Lucien, then it’s not a fight they’re having. Let me diffuse this.” I’m not sure I mean those words; I’m not sure I have the power to do anything but watch horror after horror unfold around me, but I know that I have to try. I have to attempt to put my life back together. I have to find some bit of order or I’ll go insane. Besides, this is Lucien we’re talking about! Surely he could see reason, right?

Andras is looking at me like I’ve grown a second head. 

“Tie him up,” Azriel says to one of the others as he stands and wipes his blade on a cloth that hangs from his belt. “I’m not done with him.”

“But I don’t know anything!” Andras protests as two men haul him to his feet, wrenching his broken shoulder in the process. Blood drips from his forearm, down his fingers. Regardless of the confusion I feel swirling around inside me, he’s still a part of my people. Lucien is still family. If I can keep any more bloodshed from happening between our two people I will. 

“I can work this out. Not everything has to be a bloodbath.”

Azriel swings himself into the saddle behind me and steals the reins. “If I so much as hear an arrow being fired, we’re turning back around.” He snarls.

“Fine,” I concede, because at least it meant I tried. 

“Rhys is gonna kill me for this.”

----

I’m not convinced Azriel’s horse isn’t a wraith. It’s almost completely silent, save for the softest hint of breathing imaginable. When it breathes, little wisps of shadows escape out its nose. I wish I had time to ask him about it, but there’s none, not as we race over the hills, fast as the wind. 

No arrows rise up to meet us, so at least I’ve been, so far, correct about Lucien not leading an ambush. Their scout must have taken down one of Rhysand’s and stolen his mount and cloak to look presentable. At least, I tell myself it was just that and not that Lucien ordered a man killed to try and get to me. Lucien, who would sneak me snacks and who secretly taught me how to fish; Lucien who used to braid my hair for me while we sat on the creek bed, making jokes. Lucien who had always been a spot of sunlight in my world, who looked after me like a brother, and promised to scare away any suitors who made me uncomfortable. Lucien was a good male; the best of us, even, the thought that he might be capable of such violence makes me nauseous. I have had too many life changing questions hurled my way tonight, I cannot bear another one, especially not about him.

We crest a particularly large hill and finally get a glimpse of the Illyrian riders. They’re not fighting. In fact, they’re just standing there, in formation behind Rhysand’s horse. The warlord himself stands in front of it, shrouded in that heavy cloak, facing off against Lucien and his three dismounted riders. They’re all armed, but no one is actively fighting each other, I take that as a good sign.

Though Lucien doesn’t look particularly pleased to see me riding with Azriel, nothing but unbridled horror crossing his scarred face as we approach. 

When we get to the bottom of the hill, I jump off the horse, much to Azriel’s dismay. 

Lucien takes a step towards me, but growling, Rhysand steps in front of him. “Touch her and you’re dead, Vanserra.”

The men move to let me pass through and I focus all my energy on breathing evenly as I walk towards them. Does Lucien know? Did he hide this from me too? Or was he just as blind as I was?

“Y/N, are you all right?” Lucien asks, his metal eye whirring as he looks me over. 

My chest feels like it’s gonna rip right down the middle and spill my heart right out onto the floor. I don’t know who to believe. I don’t know who I want to believe. This is Lucien we’re talking about, he would never willingly hurt me. He comforted me when my entire world fell apart, he helped Tam and I bury them. I want so desperately for all these onlookers to leave, so it’s just the three of us and the truth, but the way they all stand there, armed and ready tells me that’s not happening. There hasn’t already been bloodshed here, because Lucien was waiting for Andras to give him some sort of signal that it wasn’t necessary. Because he was expecting to be able to just kidnap me.

Why do all these males constantly treat me like I’m just an object to be snatched up on their whims?

Rhysand’s hooded head is angled in my direction, watching my approach through the stars in his cowl. I don’t like that I can’t see his eyes. He doesn’t look like the Rhysand who’d just been holding me. He looks like the male I remember from my nightmares.

And Lucien looks like someone I don’t recognize at all.

How am I supposed to make sense out of any of this? Seeing them doesn’t make it easier. 

The Illyrians shift behind me, horses snuffing in agitation, kicking up loose strands of grass. I feel their unease as easily as I can see it in the males behind Lucien. Maybe this isn’t the time for answers, maybe all I can do right now is keep them from killing each other. Regardless of who’s right here, I don’t want to see either males hurt.

“I’m fine,” I lie as I come to a stop at Rhysand’s side. His gloved fingers brush mine like he might take my hand, but he doesn’t. 

Lucien stares back and forth between us. “I wouldn’t call being kidnapped fine.”

Rhys growls again, the sound skittering over my spine, “But you’d call letting her starve to death on a solo hunt fine?”

Lucien’s mouth pulls back in a grimace. “Tam made a mistake, he admits it-”

“He admits it?” His wings shake behind him, darkness drifting in waves from beneath them until it shrouds him more than the cloak. There’s so much of it Lucien retreats a step. “How brave of him to admit he fucked up and yet he still let it go on this long before someone came looking.”

Lucien keeps his gaze on me. “It won’t happen again. We’ve talked about it. Trust me, next time-”

“There is no next time,” Rhysand snarls. “She’s not going back with you!”

Lucien’s hand falls to his sword hilt, but his gaze remains on me. “Let her come home. Let this be settled and done. Tamlin sent money-”

A whip made of starlight appears in Rhysand’s hand, knocking the bag of coins Lucien pulls off his belt from his hand and scattering it across the grass. All of the men with Lucien draw their swords, even as the redhead tightly grips his own. Rhysand can easily kill him here and he will if Lucien keeps talking. I need to diffuse this, I need them all to leave each other alone. I’m not done here, and even if Lucien won’t understand it, I can’t bear to see him get hurt.

“He’s my mate,” I say and the words taste like a betrayal.

Lucien’s face twists in a mixture of horror and disgust.

“No one is keeping me here against my will.” Well, mostly. It’s not like I’ve put that to the test, but he doesn’t need to know that. 

“That can’t be true,” it comes out like a whisper, as if he doesn’t want to believe it. I suppose, if our places were switched, I wouldn’t want to either. “You did something to her.”

Rhysand huffs, “I didn’t and I wouldn’t.”

“Like you didn’t slaughter thousands for Amarantha?” Lucien snarls.

Rhysand freezes, still as death beside me.

Azriel, silent in the grass, has come up behind me, his presence a steadying energy amidst the chaos I feel swirling around us. What does he mean he killed for Amarantha? Isn’t he trying to kill her?

“That’s enough,” Azriel hisses. “The lady told you she doesn’t want to go back with you. Respect that and go.”

Lucien doesn’t move. “He didn’t tell you that, did he, Y/N?”

“Leave!” Azriel snarls.

“I’m sure he didn’t tell you how he whored himself out to her either. Why do you think the Illyrians have so much land?”

Azriel steps around me, shadows swirling, dagger in hand, but it’s Rhysand, who’s now almost wholly surrounded by a dark mist, that puts out a hand to stop him. “Everything I did, I did for my people,” he says in a voice that’s so low I almost can’t hear it over the wind. “Everything Tamlin is doing now is for himself.”

“How noble,” Lucien snarls. “If your intentions are so pure, let her go.”

Rhysand turns to look at me, pushing the cowl off his head so I can see his face. The moonlight doesn’t hide the shadows under his eyes, or the weight I see crushing down on his shoulders. It’s impossible to miss the way his wings droop behind him. My chest aches at the sight of him, something clawing in desperation beneath my skin begging me to find a way to take that burden from him. 

“Do you want to go back with him?” He asks.

I don’t know if what he’s said tonight is true or a lie, but I know here and now that if I said yes he’d let me walk away. No strings attached, if I took Lucien’s hand and got on that horse, he wouldn’t fight me.

I don’t know what I want any more. I don’t know who I am anymore. Everything I have built my life on feels like it's crumbling beneath my feet. And everyone is just standing there watching it happen. 

No one has ever offered me a choice like this before. My whole life I have been told where to go and who to be and given one taste of freedom I had still followed exactly what was expected of me, hoping that it would finally make me feel at peace. But I haven’t felt a moment of peace in all of it, except when I was in Rhysand’s arms. It’s impossible that he of all people could make me feel like that. It shouldn’t be this way. 

And Lucien, who I always considered another brother, who shared food at my table and always made me feel like I wasn’t a waste of space, was now someone I didn’t recognize. There is no sign of Rhysand’s missing rider among them. I don’t know if he’s dead or not, probably, judging by the way Lucien keeps looking at Rhys like he’s an animal. 

It’s a startling sight, not because I would have looked at him like that myself a couple days ago, but because that’s how Tam always looked at me. Like I was some thing that was so inherently wrong; some creature that needed to be tamed and bridled. Those pointed tips of the fangs I felt try to make an appearance earlier have come back, poking into my lower lip. I feel something shifting beneath my skin, a beast awakening from some deep slumber. My hands open and close reflexively at my side. The stirring feeling is strongest in my chest, right where I sometimes feel that weird pressure that’s somehow tied to Rhys.

“No, I don’t want to go back with him,” the words are steadier than I feel, my chin raised. I do not cower from them, or the fact that I mean them. Even though Lucien looks like I’ve punched him in the gut. I can’t go back. Not until I have the truth. Not until I can make sense of all this mess I feel in my head and in my heart. 

“Tamlin won’t take me back anyway,” I pull the gaps in the arms of my sweater down, so he can see the stars inked across my skin. “Nor do I feel like being tossed out again.”

“Y/N…” Lucien shakes his head, auburn hair flying around his tan face. “It was a misunderstanding.”

Rhysand won’t stop staring at me. I think he’s waiting for me to change my mind. 

“Please leave, Lucien,” I say, only looking at Rhys. I’m a terrible person, because there is so much unbridled hope in his eyes, like he’s been holding his breath this whole time, waiting for me to take my chance and run; I’d been playing games this whole time, he hadn’t.

He hadn’t been playing games. 

I’d used him, taken what I needed, and had planned to throw him out when I was done. Even if he had killed me father, I was still… I was still just like my own father. The realization nearly knocks me off my feet. What have I done?

“This isn’t the end of this,” Lucien hisses as he backs up, never leaving himself exposed, even as he reaches for his mount. The horse is old, it’s mane patchy and unkept, I’m not sure how it carried Lucien here, let alone how he expected it to carry the both of us. “Tamlin will consider this a breach of your agreement.”

“We agreed not to kill each other,” Rhysand returns. “If he comes at me now, then he’s the one that broke that agreement, not me.” 

Lucien swings into the saddle with ease, mount shifting slightly beneath him. “What of my scout?”

“What of mine?” Azriel returns.

“Food for the vultures,” Lucien snarls and my heart sinks even further. What if I’ve been wrong about everybody, not just Rhys?

“Then so is yours,” Azriel returns.

Lucien leaves with the remainder of his men, no further fight for Andras life to be had. Rhysand watches them go, wings still drooped behind them like they are impossibly heavy. I should try and comfort him, as that thing in my chest demands, but I can’t. My limbs refuse to move, feet rooted in the grass. What have I done? Where did I go wrong in all of this? I was just trying to do what I thought was right, but I’m not sure I know what that looks like anymore.

“Are you all right?” Rhysand asks once they’re gone. On instinct, he’s throwing his cloak around my shoulders again, cocooning me in that blissful pocket of warmth that smells like him. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve any of his kindness. 

“I don’t know,” the words slip out of me. I can’t think past the roaring in my ears. What have I done?

His hand falls to my back, gently leading me back to his horse. 

“For the record-” Azriel starts, but Rhysand cuts him off, “I know, Az. Thank you for staying with her.”

I think, even as we mount back up to return to camp, we would have all been better off tonight if this had been a fight with Amarantha.

------------------------------

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[disabilityreminders]

Tips for Cleaning

Cleaning is one of those tasks that a lot of us find exhausting, overwhelming or just overall daunting for a number of reasons. It could be related to executive dysfunction, disabilities or just feeling overall burnt out. 

While it’s a good reminder that your space not being clean doesn’t affect your worth in any way, sometimes being in a mess makes us feel worse and we really want to fix it. The question is, where can you start when it’s already so overwhelming? 

Please keep in mind that a lot of my suggestions might not work for you personally. And if that’s the case, that’s really valid but hopefully they can help you come up with your own ideas! 

This might be more overwhelming for some, so don’t do this if you think this wouldn’t work for you. But for me personally, I like to go into a room and make a list of that room. This list might include wiping things down, sweeping, moving garbage, etc. I do this for any and all rooms I have the energy for. Having a written list makes it feel less overwhelming to me. I can just pick an item and cross it off. I tend to cross off the quicker/easier items first because making my list look smaller makes it seem more manageable. You can break the tasks down as much or as little as you want. I personally like to have “wash dishes”, “put away dishes” as two separate tasks while others might just want to put “dishes.” 

If you can’t think of things to put on the list, I find that googling some generic cleaning lists helps me get started and reminds me of what tasks to include. 

Now I’d like to share some general tips for cleaning when it’s overwhelming that help me! 

Break it Into Little Steps

There aren’t really any major rules for cleaning. Things got a lot easier for me when I realized I don’t have to do it all at once. When I’ve had the dishes pile up in the past beyond a point of manageable for me, I made a deal with myself. Every time I went to use a new dish, I had to wash that dish and one other dish (or a couple utensils). This ensured that the pile gradually got smaller each time I used a dish but made it a manageable amount for me. 

The same can be said for things like folding laundry. I would fold a piece anytime I walked into my bedroom. I would pick up garbage anytime I walked by it and toss it. Over time, it felt like it looked more manageable and I was able to just focus and get it all done. Sometimes we find this helps us jumpstart the task because for me, starting is the hard part. But once I start, I’m able to keep going. Telling myself I only have to do “two dishes” or “dishes for 5 minutes” made it seem a lot more manageable to look at it as a small thing. But often I’d find as I got going that I was able to keep going. 

Combine it With Something You Enjoy

For me, cleaning while doing something I enjoy has helped a lot! I love to fold laundry while I watch my comfort show. It’s one of those tasks that I can do while still doing something I love. I find I don’t focus so much on the folding and the pile is getting smaller before I know it. 

Some other ideas of things you can do: 

Listen to a playlist that makes you feel pumped up (maybe even have a dance party if you're up to it.)

Listen to an audio book or podcast

Have a show playing in the background that you enjoy

While it’s considered its own thing as “body doubling” sometimes, having company helps. Even if that’s just talking to a friend on the phone, or even texting with a friend while we both clean our own spaces. It’s kind of like an accountability buddy and leaves me feeling like I’m not doing it alone. 

Make cleaning a game! This might include things like picking a colour and then only dealing with things with that colour like only folding blue clothing, washing blue dishes, etc. This might include rolling dice and assigning certain tasks to certain numbers. Or it might be something silly like cleaning while pretending you're your favourite character or even something like a robot. You could use mannerisms or phrases that they would use and react to things how you think they would. (It might be fun to pretend to be a villain having to do your own chores because your "minion" disappeared for the day. How unimpressed would they be? What would they say while they folded laundry?)

Adjust the Tasks to be Easier for You

One thing that holds me back from cleaning is I’m in a lot of pain usually. Things got a lot easier for me once I realized that I can make adjustments as needed. For me, even though I can’t do it all at once, I found sitting to sweep was really helpful! 

Other ideas:

Use disposable cleaning wipes. There are even disposable options for toilet wands and things like that! I found the act of filling up a bowl with hot water and cleaner to be the thing that would freeze me. Just grabbing a wipe, or using a spray and paper towel was a game changer for me. 

While a lot of people do this already, I’ve heard others that don’t but I definitely recommend soaking your dishes in hot, soapy water. It makes them significantly easier to wash. 

Get a duster with an extendable handle so you don’t have to get up on chairs or things like that. 

Invest in a grabber tool. This is a tool that can be used to grab things in hard to reach places, or if you have difficulty bending. 

Get a chair that's easy to move around. This can allow you to do tasks like sweeping or wiping stuff down while sitting. I personally have a rolling chair!

Some General Tips 

If you’re finding it too overwhelming to start, try setting a timer for something like “10 minutes” and then see what you can get done in 10 minutes. You could start by grabbing all the garbage, or clearing a table or something that’s straight forward and can help you start. 

Don’t overdo it. It’s okay to pace yourself. In fact, you should. Take your time getting caught up, and once you do, try to do something small every day rather than trying to cram a lot into one day. 

It’s okay to just do one thing. This kind of ties back into how I caught up on my dishes. My friend has to pack to move and she’s having to organize her things into what she’s packing, donating, or discarding. She made a deal with herself that each day she would handle a set number of items. (A number like 5, 10, or 15). If you need to de-clutter, planning on finding just 5 items a day to get rid of might be a good place to start. 

Find some structure. I personally like printing a cleaning planner that breaks down my weekly, monthly and sometimes tasks that are every few months. It also helps me because I’m not sure how often I should be doing things like cleaning out my fridge, or bigger tasks like that. Having a check list and when I should be doing it helps a lot. 

It’s okay to ask for help! I know that we often feel ashamed of asking for help, or showing someone our space if we don’t think it’s clean enough. But it is absolutely okay to ask a friend for help. My friend regularly found laundry exhausting and overwhelming. When it fell behind on her, it paralyzed her. I would go and fold her laundry for her. And it helped her feel less bad about that when she’d do me a favour. (For example, she loves to cook and I’m often too drained to, so she made me some meal prep.) 

Find products you like! I love using certain scented products and while I never get excited about cleaning, there is something I enjoy about smelling them! 

Focus on one room at a time if you can. When it’s overwhelming, I even just pick a corner of the room and work my way out. 

Reward yourself! This might not work for everyone, but I love doing this. If I do this one task, then I get to do something fun. I’ve actually assigned tasks certain point amounts because I love seeing my “points” climb up and then I get a bigger reward at bigger numbers. (Also I always recommend cute stickers for your lists!) 

Take a before picture or video. Sometimes, we find that we can’t see progress despite being at it for awhile. It’s easier to forget where you started and seeing the progress can be really motivating! 

You don't have to follow a set of rules! What I mean by this is it's okay if you don't put away your dishes. Just because you've been taught that's a part of doing dishes doesn't mean you have to put them away. If it doesn't bother you, it's totally okay to leave the clean dishes in the sink and use them as needed! Try and get it out of your head that you need to follow a certain set of rules and do what's right for you.

Cleaning is overwhelming. While a cleaner living space can make us feel better mentally, I do want to remind you again that living in a mess is not a moral failure. You aren’t less worthy if you’re in a mess. You are still worthy, valuable and enough as you are. 

[avariantflaire]

Why Levi and Petra?

Of course, upon general viewing of SNK and its characters, it's clear that they have established Erwin, Levi, and Hange as the leading trio of the Survey Corps. They represent this faction of the military and in interesting ways, mirror the main protagonists of the series.

While there is a lot to be said and appreciated about Levi's relationships with Erwin and Hange, I have come to find that the character who humanizes him is the lovely (albeit forgettable) Petra Ral.

Early in the series, we are introduced to Levi as Humanity's Strongest Soldier. Erwin makes use of his abilities in this sense, and Hange often relies on his strength in combat as well. That is not to say this is the extent of their relationships: we have Levi's iconic "Give up on your dreams and die" scene with Erwin (S3 E16) and the infamous "Maybe we should just live here [away from my responsibilities] together" request from Hange (S4.2 E8). However, something to note with both scenes is that while they give depth to Levi's relationship with both characters, he essentially serves to highlight others. In the former, Levi's response directly challenges Erwin's dream, and allows this commander a defining moment of growth. Similarly in the latter, Levi is used as a means for Hange to express and eventually overcome their fears and insecurities about the deal they've been dealt as the new Commander of the Survey Corps (which at the time was rapidly disbanding under the Jaegerist movement).

In other words, Levi is the "subplot character" to Erwin's and Hange's individual arcs. (According to John Truby, 'The subplot character… provides another opportunity to define the hero through comparison and advance the plot.')

Which begs the question… at what point in the series, if any, is Levi defined as a character in and of himself?

Two prominent scenes from season 1 come to mind, which are namely: 1) The dying soldier scene (S1 E9), and 2) Petra's conversation with Eren in headquarters (S1 E15).

In the first, Levi comforts a dying soldier and vows to carry on their will and exterminate all Titans. When the soldier passes before he can reply to Levi's words, Levi turns to his fellow soldier Petra and asks her if he was heard. Petra provides confirmation, emphasizing the peaceful expression on the soldier's face.

In the second, Petra confronts a gloomy-looking Eren, who has been tasked to clean headquarters along with the rest of the Special Operations Squad (aka the Levi Squad). She specifically points out how Levi is 'not the hero he's expected to be' in the sense that he has a terrible personality, though she does so while smiling almost fondly, as though it doesn't matter what his personality is because they can always put faith in him as their Captain. It seems she wants Eren to understand this - or a notion similar.

It is in both moments that we are able to clearly see Levi beyond being a powerful soldier. Always, he is a threat. When he enters the scene we expect the shift in the dynamic of the battle - we expect him to win. He's a trump card. Erwin's last words to him are an order (S3 E16), and Hange's last words about him is "he's [Armin's] underling now, so really put him to work" (S4.3.1). Levi acknowledges Erwin's and Hange's humanity, bolsters it even, with the conviction of "dedicating your heart". In SNK he is the symbolism, the embodiment, of a soldier. That's all he really ever gets to be. Even his softest moments with - heck, anyone in the series - are meant to deeply reflect on the guilt, the burden, the purpose of getting the job done. ("So… you're telling me… I've spent all this time and energy running around killing people?" (S2 E12) / "Just think, if your hands were still clean... Jean wouldn't be here right now." (S3 E2) / "If we just run away and keep on hiding, what will we have left?" (S4.2 E8))

But for those singular moments in season one, he's more than just the threat. We see him as a human not only with (personality) flaws, but also with dreams and convictions, tied so seamlessly with his comrades' cause that we are reminded painfully, at the end of the series, that it was Levi who carried them all to the end. Throughout the story we see Levi lament fallen soldiers; we are exposed to how much he empathizes with his comrades and their deaths, to the point where it can be said that no one keeps us more aware of the lives that have been lost throughout the show more than Levi himself.

In this manner, Petra was the subplot character to Levi's hero. She gave the audience a (subconscious) glimpse of the Humanity within "Humanity's Strongest" and built the bridge that would lead us to compelling and important revelations about Levi's thoughts and actions as the show progressed. It's Petra whom he finds tending to a dying soldier; Petra whom he asks for confirmation that the soldier heard; Petra who, against all expectation, asks Eren to see past the station, the status, the soldier, to the person himself.

"He's not quite the great, perfect hero society makes him out to be, huh? The real Captain Levi is shorter than you'd expect, temperamental, crude, and unsociable. (…) You thought that because he's skilled, he doesn’t have to follow the rules like everyone else?" (S1 E15)

It's even Petra who, despite her rank, asks Levi to step aside when Eren becomes a half-baked Titan. Here, Levi's robust intuition and split-second decision making skills are shown even away from the battlefield. It's Petra who leads the Special Operations Squad in their apology to Eren (S1E19 "Bite"), who first instills in us (narratively) the notion of trusting your fellow comrades. More specifically, she is who convinces Eren to place his life in their hands. It's this notion that Levi carries with him even until the final arc - "I've saved Eren countless times over - each time, more comrades dying. All because I believed he was the hope of humanity." (S4.1 E13) In the manga (Ch112), it's Petra we see at the forefront of this belief.

"Do you, Eren? Do you find it that hard to trust us?" It's Petra who dies, her words the final say in convincing Eren: "I believe my squad will be victorious." (S1 E21)

"It's like some awful joke," Levi reflects later on, as his comrades' dying hopes and dreams flash by in the canopy of the forest. "What the hell was the hope that we saw? Such bullshit. It's not even funny." (S4.1 E13) "We" here could definitely mean the soldiers who've given their hearts, but the metaphorical representative of this heart is Petra herself... "Eren! Trust us." (S1 E19)

And in the end, it's Petra in the forefront alongside Erwin and Hange, representative of her fellow soldiers, the one (experienced/veteran) Scout we've seen and interacted with in the entire series to have professed the values of hope, of trust, of belief, which is henceforth carried on by Levi himself, his own convictions, his own dreams. They are, in the entire series, the glimpse we get into the Scout Regiment beyond the series' titular character and his comrades in the 104th, and a thorough dive into what makes Levi Humanity's, not simply its strongest.

Her character song, "The Light of Dual Wings", can literally be taken as an allegory of the dreams the Scouts have entrusted to Levi. That's how prominent she is as a Scout; how coded her devotion to Levi is, whether interpreted platonically, romantically, or narratively, as the dedication of hearts.

So, yes, I love them together. I love their scenes, the implications of them narratively, the values Petra professes so effortlessly in the air, washed away by the higher tides of the Female Titan arc. I love that it's still Petra at the forefront, in all of Levi's reflections moving forward, because she is our first glimpse into Levi's character, the real him.

In the end this is just a ship post struggling to keep from delving too much into the symbolism of Levi and the Scouts (how Levi is the face of the Scouts more so than Erwin himself, really), the truest depiction of humanity's collective fight for freedom in this entire series. In his early days, Eren wanted to be a Scout, after all. It is Levi and Petra who push him forward into 'that hell' - for better and worse, respectively.

[hwnglx]

i actually liked his energy a lot, it was quite clear and direct. hope it's a nice read!

eunseok's real personality behind the scenes

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

shuffled song: anchor by novo amor

+ eunseok is incredibly strong. he knows and understands the power of hard work, and is not the type to back down from a challenge. he's the type to work quietly but immensely hard, especially if he's assigned with a task. he's amazing at fiercely concentrating and zoning on what he needs to do, and doesn't allow any circumstances to stand in the way of him getting done what needs to be done. in my minds eye, i kept seeing him and the riize members in the practice room together while he was clapping his hands and saying ”정신 차려 얘들아!” which translates to “lets concentrate, guys!” he very much gives me second leader vibes. who just displays this rock and source of stability for the rest of the group. the capricorn moon energy is strong for him.

his energy is also very self-sacrificing and unselfish. he's a person blessed with a good connection to his inner voice and intuition, very emotionally intelligent guy. this results in him naturally attuning himself and his actions to the various needs of the people he's surrounded with; just a lot of focus and value on team harmony. he doesn't put his own desires above anyone, and understands the benefit of adapting himself to the group, for the sake of smooth teamwork.

another quality adding to this pronounced selflessness in eunseok, is his ability to put his own negative emotions aside for the sake of other people. this is something i've observed and heard about capricorn moons; they can often give off this stoic and phlegmatic vibe, where it seems like nothing truly affects them.. however, this isn't due to them not actually having any feelings, but moreso because they put responsibility and stability over their own emotions. meaning, they don't always allow themselves to really dive into their emotions, because they feel this innate responsibility to become a source of stability for others, which makes them suck their own tears in and remain calm.

eunseok does have his moments of disappointment, regret, insecurity; but instead of crying it out, he can have the habit of rationalising it. let's say the group is in a moment of despair and most members are heavily caught up in emotion; it's highly likely for eunseok to be the guy with a dry face, trying to comfort his members and get them to calm down. i can even see him being a source of support to the leader sungchan, who strikes me as much more emotionally out there.

it's interesting because on the one hand, he can be very headstrong and determined in his actions, but on the other hand he can also approach situations with this calm patience, when needed. he's just very adaptable, and not someone who gets knocked out of his flow easily. it's like, he doesn't mind life coming at him because he knows he can handle everything with his calm and composed attitude.

having that said, eunseok still isn't an easy or defenceless guy. if the need to speak up presents itself in a situation, he will be ready to defend himself and hold his ground no doubt about it. again, there seems to be an abundance of inner strength and resilience in him, which also showcases itself in his excellent ability to remain determined, driven, perseverant and persistent. he stands by his opinions, isn't gullible or easily swayed, and knows how to push through challenges in a powerful manner.

- so, eunseok is impressingly mature, and gives me this vibe of someone who had to grow up quite fast. maybe that's the reason why he's the type of person to burden himself with responsibilities not everyone expects from him. to explain, riize are still very much like the page of pentacles here. at the beginning of their journey, still trying to find their way, inevitably inexperienced and slightly awkward or insecure in some areas still, but very ambitious and eager to develop in their journey. that's completely normal. however, eunseok is already putting the weight of having to be like the emperor on top of him, because he again, feels like he needs to be a stable existence for the group or the people around him. this desire of helping and being the mature person, comes to him very naturally; so much so, that he just isn't the type to allow himself to be vulnerable and insecure sometimes. he always feels the need to step up and be the strong guy, and can dismiss a lot of his own troubles or concerns due to this.

the moon afterwards is telling me, he just hides and buries many of his own fears and worries inside of him, and can tend to disguise them behind a strong demeanour. he can be very hard on himself and not allow himself to break at any given moment, which makes it even more frustrating for his mind if he ever gets to a point of mental anguish. there's also this sense of.. “if i ever have a problem, that is my burden to deal with, and not anyone else's weight to carry” he doesn't like the thought of anyone holding the weight of his own emotions, so he can be very dismissive of his insecurities.

he can not only be hard on himself, but also quite strict with the people around him. he just keeps giving me this father-like energy, where he wants to keep guiding and leading people. i can however sense him potentially having difficulty controlling his tone of voice once he gets into a disagreement, and just wording himself in a way which can be kinda rigid and hurtful. he can can come off controlling, overly strict and harsh, in a way that could potentially bruise people of more sensitive nature, or bother people who easily feel constricted by people like that. his actual intentions are good, but he can put himself into a position where they could be easily misunderstood.

it does seem as though he himself is aware of this habit of his, because he's very introspective and reflects on his actions. yet he can get avoidant at times, and might have problems being honest about his faults. although inside he knows he was wrong, he puts himself in a position where he could be blamed for not wanting to own up to his wrongdoings. i do think ego and pride plays a role here too, since i can see a dilemma between his values of holding himself accountable, but also wanting to avoid the bruise to the ego, that could be caused from potentially admitting his mistake.

[pastadoughie]

other posts abt this are getting deleted

my brother killed himself- the one i actually like somewhat (ryan) & not the nazi shithead who tried to choke me to death this time last year (julian). i am the youngest of 3.

hes kinda a complicated guy, similar to how they treat me i only ever get to hear about him through other family members making fun of him for his every issue - so much of what i know is negative.

most of my opinion of ryan for the past 4 years maybe has been sortof admiring- atleast in comparison to my other family members- hes the only one who actually shielded me from julians constant phisical abuse, & the only one with the sense to realize that my entire family is a bunch of miserable abusive leaching assholes who are best off associated with as little as possible. i may think hes a racist & a bit of an idiot but i still really respect him as the only person who doesnt treat me like eaither a rabid dog or a walking suicide note

its a bit offputting to me honestly- the last time i had a close relationship with him was when he was a terminally online barely legal teenager- boyblogging about my little pony & fat bitches on the internet & trying to escape a deeply abusive home life dispite having no money & no education. primary difference being with me being trans & disabled & my abuse more overt & overarching i dont really get the luxury of having any kind of positive feelings about anyone in my family. i wouldve been dead years ago if i hadnt learned how to deal w/ myself & my emotions entirely independantly. its a recursive cycle i suppose

he called a few family members shitfaced drunk the day of- was made fun of them by every one, a few hours later was supposed to go to work. drove onto an empty road in his lexis at night. driving straight before making an entirely unessasary turn to veer off the road- flipping his car multiple times over. dieing on impact- hes gotten in many accidents before- & had flipped that car & gotten hurt previously & likely rendered much of its safety features unusable.

in all likelyhood probably alot about money- a certain degree of reckless drinking & petty theft charges & unpayably expensive car repairs & your problems stop really being fixable- needing a level of both financial & mental health intervention that nobody is wiling/capable of providing to someone they veiw as a drunk.

i dont have many thoughts on this topic that i feel are meaningful- im someone primarily apathetic & only incedentally empathetic- i only show proper emotions in maybe small 20 minute intervals once in a blue moon

my primary source of emotion has just been how angry my entire family seems to be at me specifically- a unanimous & explicit & constant reminder that they would really really really rather i kill myself then them have to ever look at me or deal with my stupid inability to do seemingly easy tasks like work & schooling. i guess theyll never really get any self awareness. in many ways i dont respect any of them- even ignoring everything else theyve ever done thats just kindof a ghoulish & overly cruel thing to say- but you cant tharapyspeak your way out of being atleast a little emotional about your entire family wanting you dead

im just gonna keep silly posting as usual. abiet maybe somewhat lower energy. especially because people are seemingly incapable of treating me like a normal human being & not flattening me down to solely my life situation, out of some strange assumption that treating someone like a 1d characature of a mentally ill person from a tharapy training course is somehow less offensive then saying something mildly triggering by accident

[lycandrophile]

i just got back from my first ever gynecological exam and somehow, despite the doctor being really nice and way more knowledgeable about trans bodies than i was expecting, it still ended up being incredibly upsetting and honestly probably mildly traumatizing. i’m sure it’s no secret to anyone following me that going to the gynecologist is a uniquely shitty experience for a lot of trans guys and i knew that but i really was not prepared for that.

first of all, everything you read says that the pelvic exam and pap smear shouldn’t hurt even if they’re super uncomfortable, but let me tell you, that shit fucking hurt. like, i have a pretty high pain tolerance and usually even when something does hurt i don’t show it very much, but that was maybe the most painful thing i’ve ever had a doctor do to me and it showed. to be fair, i’ve never had good luck with things like that — i couldn’t even use tampons back when i had a period because the one time i did, taking it out was really painful — and i’m on t now so i’m sure that makes things even harder and i was prepared for it to hurt, but i really wasn’t ready for just bad it was. it’s been an hour since the exam finished and there’s still some pain so, yeah, so much for “it’s just uncomfortable, not painful”.

(and a side note: when it did hurt, the doctor told me to relax my muscles because the tension makes it hurt more. what they didn’t seem to realize is that if your brain and body are collectively rejecting the presence of something inside you, making those muscles relax is a fucking herculean task and i for one was not in any way capable of it so it just…kept getting more painful.)

i also was never informed ahead of time of what a pelvic exam actually entails; i had assumed it was a more general external checkup, and that the pap smear was the only really invasive part. as it turns out, i was very wrong, and “pelvic exam” actually means the doctor sticks their finger up you to feel around. she asked me if i was comfortable getting the exam because it was so obvious that the pap smear didn’t go well, but i had no clue what i was saying yes to and it was a total surprise for me when there was something inside me again. and she knew it was my first time, so she had no reason to assume i knew that the exam would be like. by the time i realized i absolutely should not have said yes to it, i was too late and it was already happening. it really feels like common sense that if you’re going to be giving someone what basically amounts to a professional fingering, you should probably make it clear that that’s what’s about to happen, but i guess that doctor would disagree.

and of course, the whole time i was also being misgendered. the doctor used the right name for me, but the other staff didn’t and everything about it was so excessively gendered (i’m pretty sure the appointment i had was literally called a “women’s wellness visit” on the same sheet that had trans man and nonbinary as gender options). not to mention, when i told them i’m getting top surgery and have the exact date set, the nurse made a comment to like“well aren’t you one of the lucky ones,” which really felt like it had “i think trans guys have a super easy time getting surgeries that cis women have to fight for” energy.

and the irony of all this definitely isn’t lost on me — i just did a project this past semester about how trans guys are fucked over by reproductive healthcare practices so a lot of us just never go, and now i got some firsthand experience in exactly why so many of us just say “no fucking way”.

i just want to put this out there for anyone who hasn’t done it before because i think this would have been a lot less awful for me if someone had just told me “yeah, it might hurt way more than you think, and also that thing they call a pelvic exam is actually an internal exam.” i thought i was prepared and i totally wasn’t, so hopefully this will reach someone else who will be better off knowing all of this.

[nicromancytarot]

WHAT IS APRIL LOOKING LIKE FOR YOU

This is a general reading based on a collective of people. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. If you don’t feel the pile resonates with you, don’t be scared to try another, if it still doesn’t feel right, that’s ok! Maybe our energies aren’t as connected and my readings are not for you.

I do these strictly for fun and educational purposes. I don’t change for these readings and I do not fake readings. I would tell you the cards I got but I pull like 20-30 cards each reading and that just slightly a strenuous task to write them all down lmao.

PICK A CARD READING

I asked my spirit guides what you had to look forward to during the month of April, pick a pile and see what they had to say! 

Pile 1 ———> Pile 2

Pile 3 ———> Pile 4

PILE 1

My pile number 1, you are looking forward to building up a project that you been working on for a while, I do see that this will have to be your main priority during the month of April, and that any other project or situation that you are working on will have to be put onto the back burner for this time. The energy that I am receiving is that you are trying your best to do multiple projects at once, and it’s becoming quite draining. This month is almost serving as a reminder for you, that you can only work on one thing at a time, your other projects that you would like to work on can be dealt with next month, however, for the time being, there is only one project that you need to serve in April.

I’m seeing that a lot of you will be working with other people and alongside other people to get what you want done, if you’re still in education, this could be a project what you are doing with another student, but if you’re not in education, this could just be something that you’re doing yourself, perhaps at work or just in your own time, maybe, even consulting the opinions of your friends and family.

As of right now, the project which you are working with isn’t reaping the long-term stability that you would like, and this is why this is so important this month, because it’s the one that you need to evolve the most.  

For some of you, this could be something which you dropped a while ago and are only now picking back up. Perhaps a hobby time job or just something which you didn’t think was serving you at that time. 

PILE 2

Hello, pile 2 I think some of you have recently gone through a break up or some downfall of a certain commitment situation. For a lot of you I’m picking up that this was a very long-term relationship which ended up not working out, and left you very upset, this month will mainly be about you really figuring out what you want out of a relationship, a connection, or a commitment. It will be mainly driven towards you, finding stability within yourself and what you want.

For those of you who aren’t fitting in with the relationship narrative, this could’ve been a project or a job which you are holding onto and unfortunately got let go of or just didn’t really work out. You may find during this time that attempting to find yourself a new job or create a new project isn’t what is serving you the best, for right now the most recommended thing that you can do is take a break, relax and set your boundaries to realise what you really really want. That goes for the relationship part also.

As a collective, the start of this month for you guys is going to be all about figuring out what you want from all of this, setting your boundaries finding out answers and closure to those things which you would like to know and working on your own stability.

At the end of the month, I do see something coming in possibly a relationship offer or a job offer/project offer, this is something that you can look forward to, and I also see that you will be able to build something long-term out of this. 

PILE 3

Pile 3 this month is all about your own self-worth, April will be filled of trials and tribulations for you in order for you to figure out who you are, and what you deserve.

You may find this month a little bit harder, but I promise you that it will be worth it in the end, it begins with you trying to build something and possibly give something, I do feel like whatever you’re working on, or whatever you’re doing, your actions will be rejected. That will obviously make you quite sad, but you will find it very easy to get back up and let it go with this situation. The main thing I’m getting with this pile is that some of you maybe speaking to your crush for the first time and possibly advancing on them or others of you maybe asking your boss for a promotion at work, whatever it is, it will be to do with something that can be rejected, and most likely will. I would recommend still going with your gut and asking this question or giving those advances, because this will help you grow, even if it doesn’t turn out the best in the moment.

Nearer to the middle of the month, you will be really realising what you want in the future, whether it be to do with relationships, career yourself your family or friendships, anything like that, this will be your moment to really figure out what floats your boat, and what you want from this. The end of the month doesn’t really have any classical growth. It’s only really mental which is still very good but if you don’t see any physical growth that will be why.

However, I do see that you’ll be very happy with where you are at the end of April.  

PILE 4

Pile 4, you guys might have been drawn to pile to so you might wanna check that out. I do see similar themes with pile 2 and pile 4, I see that some of you are going to be getting over a break up. This is most likely a break up, or a relationship thing, so if you don’t resonate with that I would recommend finding yourself another pile, pile 2 could also be the one for you. 

I see that you guys may have gone through something hurtful, like a break up, or perhaps some trauma in your life, most likely surrounding a relationship, this is causing you to be quite shut off to finding a new relationship, during the month of April, I do you see that you are going to be working towards getting rid of this. I see that you will be coming out of your shell setting your boundaries I’m really having hope to not nurture something long-lasting. The road that you are on isn’t going to prove to be easy however, I do feel like you know that.

During the middle of the month, I see that you will possibly meet someone, or you may even make an advance towards one of your crushes, and it will be received very well and mutual.

For those of you who still resonate with the relationship stuff, but not so much with the trauma. I would say that this month as you preparing to ask out your crush or make a move towards someone that you find attractive. 

The end of the month seems to end very well with a new beginning for you and this person, so don’t give up.

[thrashkink-coven]

Hello, I have a quick question. Do you have any tips or something for studying with Lucifer? I've recently started working with him, but I had no time for big offerings, just some small things. Uni is currently kicking my ass and I have one week of exams left, on top of that, I found out I've failed an exam. I'll retake it in summer but my motivation for studying has decreased and my anxiety, fear of failure and insecurities has increased too much. So, do you have any tips, rituals or things that you do to study while also involving Lord Lucifer into it?

Hope you have a great day/night!

I think studying anything in general is an activity that you can invite Lucifer in on, and he’s a really great energy to go to for academic anxiety. He helps me remember that the world isn’t going to end if I’m not productive 24/7, and that a bad grade isn’t a death sentence. Praying to him for inspiration before writing, or just asking him to calm me down before jumping into an exam has always been really helpful. You can create sigils or mantras with him to help you remember a specific concept. I’ve even had him help me study inside of dreams, reminding me of things I would have surely forgotten the next day.

I consider something as simple as lighting his candle while you research to be a devotional act, especially while you’re still in the brain storming stage and are just looking for information. Any pursuit of knowledge seeking is Lucifer’s specialty.

Whenever I get into a slump Lucifer encourages me to just read without actually writing anything down. Sometimes it’s overwhelming to think of it as studying rather than just lightly browsing some literature. I really like having conversations with him about the things I’m studying, usually the ideas he presents are interesting enough that I can easily remember them in a high stress situation like a test.

When I get overwhelmed writing essays and things of the sort he’ll have me do what seems like a very small task, like a writing only two sentences, and then walking away from it. In a few more hours I’ll go back and read what I wrote, maybe change a word or two, and then leave it alone again. Doing these very small increments of work allows me to still get stuff done without burning myself out. I’m also a bit of a perfectionist and accidental workaholic so I also ask him to keep me in check and stop me from over working myself when I’ve been at it for hours at a time. My time blindness can lead me to work constantly all day, so having him step in and say “hey it’s been 7 hours since you got up” is also super helpful.

Other than that, be kind to yourself! Remember how impressive it is that you’re even doing any of this. Academics are not easy for most people, the fact that you’re committed to your education is very admirable!

[live-laugh-legolas]

hi!! if you're still taking requests I'd love to requests headcanons of the fellowship with a reader with adhd?

(if you need pointers of specific traits to include plz feel free to message me!)

thanks so much!! love your stuff :)

I tried to include spectrum of traits and just general experiences with adhd, but I definitely do steer towards my own experiences a bit. I actually found this one a little difficult so I don’t consider it my best, so I apologize.

The fellowship (+Faramir) x adhd!reader

Aragorn:

-Gives lots of gentle reminders and subtle pushes

-He is very good about showing you while explaining something so it’s easier to understand

-Because sometimes just being told goes in one ear and out the other or just doesn’t even make its way into your brain

-He will listen to you ramble on about a hyper-fixation with no complaint

-Seriously he will always listen and never tone you out to be “background noise” (damn I need an Aragorn in my life lol)

Legolas:

-I don’t think he knows much about it but he learns fast and is very perceptive

-If you are very hyperactive and talk a lot he is super patient; and probably a little entertained

-I think that elves could be prone to sensory overload sometimes if they are really stressed, so he knows how to help if you experience this

-Will take you somewhere quiet and will give you something to hold to fidget with

Gimli:

-He may think your leg bouncing or fidgeting is done because you are stressed; which maybe you are; so he will try and calm you down either way

-Honestly I think he might not really do anything different, like he just is like “welp that’s y/n”

-But not in a dismissive way you know?

-If you drum your fingers a lot he will join in and create a little song

-He also isn’t bothered if you just talk to fill silence, even if you are just kind of narrating the obvious (I do this and am always told it’s because I must like the sound of my own voice, but he would never think this)

-He may be a little concerned if you just zone out randomly

-Will wave his hand in front of your face like “dude, you alright?”

Boromir:

-I think he may not be the most helpful in terms of organization

-But he likes to help you get some energy out so you feel less jittery

-He also isn’t bothered if you interrupt him, because honestly he does the same thing

-He understands that you don’t mean it to be rude, it’s just sometimes your mouth works before your brain can stop you

Frodo:

-He is so patient

-Feels bad when you are stressed and will help you with out standing tasks like cleaning so you can focus on whatever it is you need to

-He’s also really good at explaining things in a way that is easily digestible

-Like either very simplified or using comparisons to things you enjoy or are currently hyper-fixated on

Sam:

-Very productive himself so he probably doesn’t initially notice if you aren’t

-However he will notice if you are forgetful about self care

-Did you forget to eat? Sam has a biscuit ready for you and he will make you eat it

-He will also help you make and keep a schedule if that is something you struggle with

Merry:

-I think Pippin could have adhd so Merry has a good understanding about it

-He will make simple tasks into games to keep your focus

-This also helps to make tasks feel less daunting

-He will also be completely honest with you if something is becoming a problem

-“you can’t forget to turn off the stove because you remembered you needed to send a letter”

Pippin:

-I wouldn’t be surprised if he also had adhd

-I imagine he will start a bunch of tasks but never finish any of them

-You two can be dysfunctional together

-So either nothing gets done when you two are together, or you both hyper focus and will clean the entire house in a few hours

Gandalf:

-He is really good at telling when you are overwhelmed

-Like if a task feels too daunting or you get choice paralysis

-He will break things down to simplify whatever it is you are struggling with, and will aid you in getting started (because let’s be honest, just starting is the hardest part)

-He will never let you get down on yourself for things you can’t control; “you are not lazy, you are overwhelmed”

Faramir:

-This sweet man would be super supportive and helpful

-He may feel a little overbearing sometimes but it’s just because he is worried and doesn’t want you to feel dejected or insecure

-If you ever feel overwhelmed he is right there

-He also is super smart and patient so he doesn’t mind if he needs to re-explain something or if he has to repeat that same thing multiple times over time

-Won’t judge you if you forget something and need to ask again (I always ask what words mean even if I have been told a million times and have googled it)

[marsbar17]

Wanna give us a nice lil Halloween one shot? Perhaps Moicy? Some kinky Halloween sex perchance? 🤭

I rushed so much to finish this for Halloween fbsbvhjsbf AND I DIDNT MAKE IT

But anyways, I rushed this and I have a headache now and it's not even good but hush, you're getting fed and you're gonna like it >:(

Mercy x Moira Halloween Oneshot

Contains: witch mercy, lilith moira, NSFW, barely any foreplay, size kink??? Maybe??, witchcraft ooOoOo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This time, it had to work.

Angela sat on her knees in her living room, the wooden floor boards digging into her shins even through her tights. She drew the summoning circle with a small stick of charcoal, moving with grace and perfection after having done it almost a hundred times before.

The witch was so focused on her task that she almost yelled in surprise as she felt something touch the top of her head. Angela turned around in a panic, just to sigh in relief when the only person she saw was her friend and fellow witch, Kiriko.

"You forgot your hat at my place." Kiriko giggled at Angela's surprise, peering over her shoulder at the mostly completed summoning circle. "You're still trying to summon her? It's been eight months, Angela."

"I know, but I think I have finally perfected the summoning ritual! Plus, today being Samhain will make this the most ideal time to do the ritual." Even though it had been so long without any luck, Angela still felt hopeful looking at her notes that had been scribbled out and rewritten too many times.

"Today is the day. Lady Fareeha will appear before me." Angela smiled, drawing the last stroke to finish her circle.

"Personally, I don't think a Gaelic holiday is the 'most ideal' day to summon an Egyptian God, but whatever you say." Kiriko's eyes were full of doubt as she turned back towards Angela's front door. "Have fun."

Angela was alone once more, humming to herself as she lit the candles along with the sticks of incense that she had adorning the summoning circle. As the heavy amber and cedar scented smoke filled the room, she could practically feel the strong energy in the air.

Opening a sealed jar, Angela grabbed a handful of dried rose petals and spread them over the area. With the physical part of the ritual done, she stood up with her spell book in hand, looking over the neatly written incantation she had worked so hard on.

The summoning circle was easy, she had gotten it perfect within a month. The only reason it had taken so long to get to this point was due to this stupid incantation. Even one mispronounced syllable would ruin the whole ritual. So only after many hours of research and countless attempts, did Mercy finally believe she had gotten it right.

With her spell book in one hand and a long ivory wand in the other, Angela closed her eyes and began to recite the incantation she had worked so hard on. The words had been practiced so many times so that she could feel the sentences in her soul. She could feel the energy flowing around her, her hair whipping in the sudden wind.

As the incantation finished, Angela opened her eyes and watched as the rose petals tumbled around the circle and the candle flames swayed back and forth.

"It is... working! It's working! Hah!" She smiled, embracing the magic flowing through her living room as it became more intense. The wind whipped harder, threatening to blow out the candles, and she had to hold her hat in order to keep it on her head.

Just as Angela felt it was becoming to much, as her pictures and jars started shifting on the shelves and her hat was ripped from her head, everything went dark.

The candles had been blown out, along with every lamp in Angela's small cabin. Fear overtook Angela and she swallowed hard, wondering whether she should call out to whatever she had summoned. She didn't need to though, as the being spoke first.

"Oh dear, you're shaking~"

That wasn't her voice. Something went wrong.

Realizing this, Angela quickly lit a small flame in the palm of her hand in order to see. The being in front of her was tall, so much taller than she expected. The fabric of her clothing was black, the skirt and sleeves were long and majestic. Bringing her eyes higher up, Angela could see that her corset was adorned in gold scale-like adornments and her neck was too. The being's face was pale, but her eyes were surrounded by dark eyeshadow. One eye was a dark blue while the other was a piercing silver, and her pupils were slits. She had five long horns emerging from the top of her head, curling gracefully in a way that framed her face perfectly.

"You... You aren't Lady Fareeha." Angela whispered nervously, those sharp eyes following her every move. The demon rolled her eyes, scoffing in annoyance.

"No, I am not. You, like many many others before you, have mistaken my summoning ritual for the one of that wretched God." The more the demon spoke, the clearer Angela could hear her Irish accent. Feeling absolutely defeated, she sighed and lowered herself back down to the floor.

"So then... you would be?" Angela asked, holding her head in her hands and rubbing her temples.

"Lady Moira." The demon spoke, now towering over Angela's shrunken form.

"Well, Lady Moira. I sincerely apologize for wasting your time-"

"You haven't wasted my time." Moira interrupted, stepping closer to Angela and leaning down. "After all, the night has only just begun."

Angela brought her head up to meet Moira's eyes, feeling fearful once again. She was oddly beautiful up close, and Angela could see that it wasn't bloodlust in her eyes, but a certain mischievous look instead.

"What do you mean?" She asked, her voice small and timid.

"Well, I am the demon of lust and pleasure." Moira leaned in even closer, holding Angela's jaw with one pale hand. "And you, my dear, are an absolutely stunning woman. How about a deal?" Moira drew her hand back and stepped away, walking back into the summoning circle on the floor. "I forget about how you interrupted my day off, so long as you let me absolutely ravish you. Or we could just to the basic 'give me something you deeply cherish' thing, but this will be a lot more fun for us both."

Surprised and flustered, Angela looked away. Having sex with a demon? That was not the plan at all. But did she really have anything better to do? Moira was hot, painfully hot, and maybe she could distract Angela from the disappointment of her failure to summon Lady Fareeha. After an embarrassingly short amount of time, Angela looked back up at the demon standing in her living room.

"I'll take your offer."

"My my, that took you no time at all. Eager, darling?" A smirk appears on Moira's face as she sauntered back over to Angela, reaching out and pulling her to her feet.

"No! I mean... maybe. Look I just- I need- ugh!"

"No need to explain, pet. Just let me make you feel good." Moira backed Angela up until she was pressed against an empty wall before slipping her arms under the witch's thighs and hoisting her into the air. Angela's crotch was at face level for the demon who used that to her advantage and bit into her tights and panties, pulling her head back to rip a hole in them both. She groaned at the sight of Angela's glistening lips and twitching hole.

Angela gasped, hands flying to grasp at the horns on Moira's head before she realized that might be disrespectful and pulled them back to her sides.

"You can grab them. I don't mind, my dear." Moira's voice was so smooth and sensual that Angela couldn't help but obey, placing her hands gently back onto Moira's horns and biting her lip. Moira's hot breath fanning out against her most sensitive parts made her whimper quietly.

After a few more moments of simply admiring the witch laid out before her, Moira leaned in and placed a soft kiss against Angela's clit, making the witch squirm. She looked down to watch Moira place a couple more kisses before opening her mouth to show off her unusually long, forked tongue that was shiny with saliva. If Angela wasn't wet before, she sure was now.

"I can't wait to hear you scream, pet." Moira smirked before licking a long stripe all the way from Angela's wet hole to the tip of her clit. Angela moaned and tightened her grip on the other's horns.

Moira ate her out like she was desperate, like she couldn't live without the taste of Angela's lips. It was messy, with drool and slick dripping down Moira's chin and nails pressed into Angela's thighs. It was so much all at once and Angela couldn't stop moaning and whimpering, and she swore this was way better than anything Lady Fareeha could've given her.

"Moira! It's so much~" Angela moaned lewdly, squirming and panting like her breath had been stolen. She could feel every movement of Moira's tongue inside of her and every once in a while it slid up to circle her clit, making her whine. She could feel the heat in her core getting more intense, and she couldn't believe that her orgasm was approaching this fast. All the sensations all at once, Moira's impossibly skillful tongue, her hands gripping Angela's thighs, it was too much for her to handle.

"I need- Moira I can't. I'm gonna~"

"Cum for me, darling."

Angela fell apart, eyes rolled back, knuckles white, mouth agape, the sweetest sounds falling from her lips. Moira drank her all in, pleasing her through her orgasm and even after she finished. She lapped lazily at the witches hole, causing Angela to twitch with aftershocks. Eventually Moira pulled away, letting Angela relax as she was slowly lowered down until they were face to face once again, but her feet weren't on the floor.

Moira used one hand to hold Angela up while she shifted her skirt with the other, exposing her crotch to the air. She had a neatly kept bush hiding her from Angela's eyes, but that didn't stop the witch from yearning to taste her.

"Not today, my sweet. I will have you on your knees for me next time." Moira teased, as if she had read Angela's mind. Not even thinking about the fact that she had said "next time," Angela just whined and ground her hips forward, trying to get any friction she could. Moira simply laughed, grinding her own hips forward too.

Angela's eyes widened as she felt something press against her thigh and she looked down to see a black colored, silicone strap on between Moira's legs. She was even more surprised to see that it was one she recognized from her bedside drawer.

"How did you...?"

"Magic, now hush." Moira simply smiled, reaching her hand down to position the plastic object at Angela's entrance.

"W-wait! It's too big! I haven't been prepared-"

"Oh darling, you can take it~"

Angela could feel the head of the strap enter her and she bit back a yell at the intrusion. The stretch stung, but Moira's lips caressing her neck made it all go away. Moira placed open mouth kisses all along her neck and jaw, sucking on the skin occasionally to leave marks. It melted Angela's mind and made her even wetter around the silicone inside her.

As Moira started pushing further inside of her, Angela whimpered and clutched at the demon's shoulders. Her lips were covered and her moans were stifled by Moira's mouth pressing against her own. When she pulled away, Angela could see something that almost looked like adoration in Moira's eyes... right before she quickly thrusted the last few inches of the strap deep into her.

Angela yelped in surprise before hiding her face in the crook of Moira's neck, panting hard. Moira just laughed, pulling her hips back and thrusting forwards once more.

"That's right~ Taking me so well, like a good pet~" Moira whispered, moving her hips at a steady pace. She wasn't fast, but she was deep. It was just what Angela needed.

Moira used her hands to wrap Angela's legs around her waist, pressing her harder against the wall so Moira could let go and grab Angela's wrists instead, lifting them over her head. Now immobilized, she couldn't do anything other than weakly shift her hips around, successfully getting Moira to hit that sweet spot deep inside of her.

"Moira~ I'm still sensitive~ I can't take it." Angela sobbed, tears welling up in her eyes. Moira didn't stop though. She thrust her hips faster, bringing one hand down to wrap around Angela's throat, squeezing in just the right spots to make her brain go fuzzy.

"You can do it, you can cum again for me." Moira rasped, breathing heavily at the effort to maintain pace. Angela could feel it, the sweet tightening of her core, the anticipation that made her hold her breath and shut her eyes.

"Please! Please, please, please, Moira!"

It felt like she was floating, all of her senses were overwhelmed by the sensations flowing through her. She didn't make any noise, her mouth was stuck open in a silent scream. Her back arched, pushing her chest against Moira's so hard that she could feel her heartbeat. Moira cooed in her ear, whispering sweet nothings while Angela fell apart in her arms.

"Too much!" Angela felt the tears falling down her cheeks as Moira kept moving. She was overstimulated, twitching and crying as the demon eventually slowed down. Even so, Angela still sobbed into the cloth on Moira's shoulder, feeling overwhelmed by all of the sensations.

"Shhh, quiet, pretty thing. I've got you." Moira's voice was surprisingly soft and calming. Angela stopped crying, trying to calm her breathing. She dried her tears, looking up into Moira's eyes once again. One blue, one silver.

Moira pulled her body away, slowly pulling the strap from Angela's sopping cunt. She lowered her until she was sat on the floor. Again, Moira stood over her shriveled form. This time, she didn't look at the witch like she was a pathetic mortal, instead she looked at her with fondness.

Aftercare was a blur to Angela, but before she knew it she was clean, in new clothes, and tucked into the warmth of her bed. Moira sat beside her, stroking her cheek with her thumb.

"It's time for me to go, pet."

"...Goodbye... Moira."

"Goodbye Angela, I will be back soon."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whew, that was hard. Thank you for reading this whole thing!

Remember, liking and reblogging my work takes like 10 seconds and really helps me grow as a creator. Also, sending me requests gives me the motivation to write, so literally request anything that comes to your mind.

[jalicecookie]

Tears of Sadness

You want to show your Appa, the great toy that one of the BIGBANG assistants gave you…but somehow T.O.P seems sadder and completely fixated on the screen of his cell phone?

A/N: My first T.O.P /BIGBANG Work and i am totally new to Things you need to now, i am trying to get into the Topic, Reading and Watching Videos to the Boys and hope i can warp me head around the Facts´, so please be patient with a newbie <3

TW: Mean internet comments, self-doubt, fear, insecurity and a little fluff

♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬♬

"Wanna show Appa!" - you are being held carefully and carefully by one of the assistants of the Korean boy idol group BIGBANG by your right hand…..they don't want you, at almost 3 years old, to get lost in all the hustle and bustle or the seemingly endless long corridors of the backstage area of ​​the concert hall in this capital city.

But how can you try to slow down and walk more slowly when you've been given such a great new toy? You MUST show it to your Appa….and immediately afterwards to G-Dragon.

"Of course you can, but not so fast, OK, love? The floor is a bit slippery in some places and you could slip with your new shoes if you run so…exuberantly to T.O.P.'s dressing room, hm?" - the assistant tried to explain to you that she actually hadn't been trained to treat a small child's falls or tears.

Maybe she was new and didn't know how well and fast you could run?

Sometimes, when you're backstage in the capable hands of experienced adults, chilling on the corridors of the backstage area or at one of the non-public sound checks, where the Boys from the idol group do an on stage check (before the public VIP Sound Check) , whether everything is OK with the lights, singing, sound and/or dance moves… sometimes do a race with G-Dragon, your Appa or another members of the group.

You just giggle and still try to walk a little faster holding the adults' hands.

It's amazing what the influence of the often excited BIGBANG members has done to your shyness, towards the assistants at concerts… because only rarely do you try to hide shyly and insecurely in the arms of your Appa (or in G-Dragon's arms) when new faces are introduced to you.

You get along well with most of the staff because you have observed the boys and take your cue from them…..if the other adults are nice….it's okay to be nice too and reflect their energy level.

In the few interactions with fans, the press or during interviews, T.O.P. takes care to keep you out of the public eye as much as possible….with strangers you are shy again and seek protection (or hide with one of the members or sometimes under furniture like tables).

All in all, however, you like being in the big, chaotic group of idols and are allowed to take on 'important' tasks like….like reminding the boys to drink lots of water. Which you forget…very often. But that's okay, that's what the many people behind the scenes at a concert are there for.

A few minutes later, you reach the changing room, where only your father is currently. The assistant makes herself known with a short conversation and then lets go of your hand before closing the door from the outside. Apparently the other boys haven't arrived yet (or, and you believe this a lot, they're secretly going out for ice cream without you again! Daesung once hinted at something like that, just for fun of course, and of course you believe what he said!) - but it's okay, you can show Appa the new toy!

"Appa! Look!" - you say excitedly and run as fast as your little feet in the new shoes can carry you, towards the armchair, in wich Choi Seung Hyun was sitting.....but something was different this Evening.

Your Appa doesn't lift you up onto his lap with a loving smile like usual and ask you how your day was and if you've learned anything new…he doesn't ruffle your hair or direct his attention down and open his arms for a really great hug (Appa gives the best hugs!) - he just sighs quietly once and then focuses on the screen of his phone again.

Maybe Appa is sad because the other boys went out for ice cream without you?

"The assistant gave me a toy…pink!" you giggle, trying to get the rapper's attention - after all, the toy was in his favorite color. Pink. Pink is T.O.P.'s favorite color.

The little dragon stuffed animal with the organizer's logo on its belly is pink, the tip of its tail is neon green and the material is really soft. A new stuffed animal that is really great. (I wonder if G-Dragon would like the dragon too?)

But your father suddenly seemed so sad and almost hypnotized by the cell phone that you placed the stuffed animal in his lap and then tried to reach for the cell phone.

"Appa sad. No ice cream? Boys eat ice cream without Appa and me!"

It took a moment for the rapper's dark eyes to look away from all the comments in the comments section of the social media app.

They weren't always the same words, but they were saturated with incredible hatred, with so much disgust for the K-Pop idol and with numerous exclamation marks.

The hate comments criticized everything he did. His song lyrics, his clothing at performances and shows… how strained his voice was when rapping or the fact that he came across as an arrogant asshole in interviews.

The list went on and the hate comments on the last video had made T.O.P sad. Was he not good enough? Did he not make the necessary effort? Was he not good enough as a rapper?

Did those few fans really hate him that much?

What if he failed?

He was not allowed to fail…not fail…the guys, the group is counting on him…did he really come across as irresponsible, as one nasty comment said? He is the jokester of the group, the thing he enjoys most besides making music and…

T.O.P was torn from his thoughts when his little daughter managed to climb onto his lap , next to the pink dragon stuffed toy and wrap her hands around his neck before giving her Appa a hug, not noticing how the rapper was really fighting back tears at that moment because of the nasty comments.

T.O.P automatically returned the hug and hugged the toddler lovingly. It was still so…strange to understand that he had created something so…wonderful…someone who was as happy as a little excited puppy when Appa came back to say goodnight after a long day of filming or a walk that was actually much too late…someone who had given him so much trust so quickly…children were something special and in the short time that the girl had been living with him (after her mother lost custody and kindly informed him that he was the father of an almost 3-year-old) - the black boy had found a new source of inspiration in addition to his love of music, the appreciation of the fans of BIGBANG and/or the boys who are like brothers to him…you.

This little hug couldn't make the self-doubt and insecurities that were plaguing T.O.P. at that moment disappear or disappear…but it was like a plaster on a cut…for a brief moment, the world seemed to be in order.

"Boys ice cream allllone! Mean mean….Appa no sad….hm…..oh! Appa, me and Dragon eat sushi tuna? Aaaand cookies? Better than ice cream!" - you whisper to your father with childish naivety.

"Sushi tuna and cookies…..yes that's much better than going to eat ice cream without us, hm?", - said T.O.P with a thin smile…..how could you have known , that at that moment a few tears were rolling down your Appa's cheeks and dripping onto the soft fur of the plush dragon?

Tears.

Sad Tears.

Tears of Sadness.

THE END