#maybe if i didn't act out people would have been more inclined to believe me. i don't know.

[eccentricgrace]

juice jam || IronDad

summary: peter and tony go out for smoothies, they get interrupted by some annoying paps.

tags: fluff, protective tony stark, banter, paparazzi, tony stark acting as peter parker's father figure

wc: 2,563

cross-posted to wattpad under the same name!

"Your pick is fine, I'm not saying it's not!" Peter argued back quickly, his eyes wide. On his own tongue, the cold icy fractals of his far more delicious Pink Starburst smoothie. "I'm just saying it's not the best one on the entire menu, that's all."

Tony held the foam cup of his Chocolate Moo'd in a protective vice grip— which is basically blended chocolate frozen yogurt —and screwed up his face. He lowered his shades with an inelegant poise and a good serving of disgruntlement. "Pete, you're drinking a smoothie that is literally called 'candy in a cup'. I think I'll take my own advice and hold off from the type two diabetes diagnosis for a few more years."

"Okay," Peter said. "Okay. Okay. But you haven't even tried it. I bet you'll admit mine is better if you try it. Ned did. He didn't believe me at first either, he refused to say anything was as good as the strawberry banana one."

"I'm inclined to agree with him just to tick you off."

Peter huffed and put the half-guzzled cup on the table. He pushed it towards Tony. "Just try it. You're so grumpy, Mr. Stark. For no reason."

"'No reason,' he says," Tony mumbled, reaching for the bright pink smoothie. "As if you didn't come into my smoothie haven, my church of juice, and begin spewing— spewing blasphemy."

Peter hid back his smile.

Tony had picked him up from school today. Plans were to have sitcom-takeout night with May, but as they were getting into the car, Peter had gotten a message about her having to work late. With their plans changed, and both of them damp with the autumnal rain that was nasty and cold the way New York rain usually was: of course the best way to waste time and beat the cold was even colder smoothies.

They were at the Jamba Juice at Rockefeller Plaza, which in itself was a feat considering the company he was in. Tony was wearing his "disguise", which really only consisted of his shades, a hat, jeans, and a hoodie pulled over his head. Nobody had noticed them yet.

Peter couldn't help but wonder what people saw when they looked at them in the corner of the store. The way they bantered sometimes, the ease of which they moved in each other's company— they'd been referred to as "father and son" more than once by cashiers and waiters alike. It was a nice compliment, to be seen that close to someone he looked up to. He could keep it tucked very secretly under his sleeve, for no other purpose than to keep him warm.

(And maybe sometimes he wondered how Tony felt whenever someone said something like that. The casual "I'll get a table for you and your son" or "you and your son look so alike!")

Tony took a sip of the pink smoothie, staring blankly ahead of him. Peter watched expectantly for something dramatic— his eyes to light up, his brows to raise, his hands to be thrown in the air with the angry astonishment of being proven dead wrong.

Instead, Tony sighed, put the cup down. Indignantly went to his own drink, furiously sipping at the straw. Peter's smile grew.

Then, finally:

"Fine."

"Yes!" Peter burst with victorious laughter, reaching over the table and taking his smoothie back. "I told you! I told you so. I would never lie about this. It's too important."

"Oh, so this is too important for you to lie, but when you had that little injury the other day, it wasn't?" Tony asked, a dry smile plastered on his face. "Is that what you're saying to me right now? Your poor old man?"

Peter's grin turned guilty, and he quickly went back to finishing the second half of his smoothie.

"Geez," Tony commented with amusement. "Ease up on that straw, you're gonna go into one of your spider-hibernation things. The middle of a Jamba Juice is not the time or place, kid."

"I think it's the perfect time and place, actually. Really truly. I can feel myself getting sleepy just thinking about it."

"Har har. What a comedian you are," Tony said, sliding out of the booth. He stuffed his phone back into his pocket. "You ready to go?"

"Yep!"

Peter wiped his hands of the sticky, watered-down juice that had dribbled down the side of the cup, and stood.

As he did so, the back of his spine began to buzz. He heard a series of shuddering clicks, and he narrowed his eyes to look around the small space.

"What's going on?" Tony asked casually, but there was an undertone of something distinctive in its quality for fixing things. He had clearly taken notice of whatever changed in Peter's face, because this was the voice he only used when they were dealing with Spidey extracurriculars.

Peter forced his shoulders to relax. He scratched at his face, half-covering his mouth, and lowered his voice to say: "Dunno. Someone's watching us."

Tony hummed impassively, but Peter saw his eyes sharpen, he saw the way the heads-up display of his glasses lit up faintly from behind the dark lense. He subtly scanned over the joint, like Peter did, and finally landed on something outside the window.

"Paparazzi," Tony said simply. He sighed deeply and began to shuck off his hoodie and hat. "Alright, kid. Pop quiz, listening? Trade."

"Uh," Peter helplessly let the trash in his hands be taken, and instead grabbed hold of the hoodie that was tossed into his hands. "I guess?"

"Put those on." Tony walked over and threw both of their cups and napkins in the trash. He walked back and smoothed over the wrinkles on his dress shirt. "Do you smile at the camera people?"

"Yes?" Peter guessed, his voice muffling through the fabric of the thick hoodie he was wrestling over his head. (Funnily enough, Tony's old clothes were all slowly becoming his size. It's crazy what a growth spurt and benching the equivalent of like, forty trains on a daily basis can do to a physique.)

"Wrong. Never smile at the paps," Tony shoved the hat over Peter's head, a baseball cap of the Yankees, which he as a proud Queens born-and-raised local would pretend not to be personally offended by. "They're gonna ask you a bunch of questions, are you gonna answer them?"

"No," Peter said, more sure of his answer this time.

"Good job." Tony reached over and fit the hood snuggly down on his head, drawing the strings in a little. "Are you gonna look at them?"

"No—" Peter squirmed as Tony started to mess with the hat to further cover his head. "Mr. Stark, is all this really necessary? I mean, they already got a picture of my face earlier!"

"Believe me, they're not gonna have that picture by the end of the day, and I don't intend to give them anymore." Tony patted him on the shoulder. "Alright, you're all set. Listen, this part is important: stay close to me, don't get lost in the crowd, and absolutely don't listen to anything they say. They're gonna try to provoke a reaction from you. Don't buy into it."

"Okay," Peter gave a smile, while a weak, uncomfortable laugh bubbled out from his chest. "I think I got it. I still don't get why you think they'd care about who I am, though. I'm not the celebrity, you are. They're not gonna care about some—"

"Spider-baby-asking-questions time is over," Tony said, raising his eyebrows. "The more we stand here, the more cameras there's gonna be when we finally get out on the street. Time to go."

"I—" Peter blubbered for a second, and then followed Tony quickly as he turned to the door. Stay close.

Peter learned quickly that Tony walked very fast when paparazzi were involved. He also learned quickly that paparazzi were the closest human equivalent to mosquitos in the summer heat. They swarmed, an entire bloodthirsty group that materialized out of seemingly nowhere, and they were so loud, all buzzy and everything.

He clumsily dodged through bright flashes of the most cameras he'd ever seen, never less than two feet from Tony at all times. If he wanted to, he could count maybe seven different people shouting questions at him, even more shouting at Tony.

"Kid! Look here! Hey! Hey, over here— Hey! Give me a smile! Can you smile for us? Hey, Tony!"

"Mr. Stark! Few questions for the record? What are you doing with a kid?"

"Hey, look over here! I've got a few questions for— Can you spare a minute of your time?"

Tony was valiant as he weaved through the mob, only glancing back every few seconds to make sure Peter was behind him and in sight. The occasional sarcastic comment that brought Peter back to watching YouTube interview compilations way before all of this.

Anyways, he made it look so easy, all of it practiced and seamless, which made sense after Peter remembered that his mentor practically grew up in all of... this. He wondered if Tony would tell him any horror stories of dodging this when he was a kid— he wondered if he even wanted to know.

"Tony, just a second! What happened with the Accords? Have you heard from Captain America?"

"Look over here! Here! Mr. Stark, who is that?"

"Kid, what's your name? Look here for us! Hey!"

He and Tony had almost made it to the car, and Peter was following all the rules. It was harder to not smile than he thought, solely because this whole thing had rapidly become increasingly intolerable, and Peter had a habit of smiling when he was nervous, but he was doing well so far.

In fact, it helped a lot to focus on how miserable it all was, really. When he felt a nervous smile coming on, he just redirected his attention to the cacophony of camera shudders that were assaulting his very sensitive eardrums, or the people yelling over each other, or even the general sound of several shoe pairs scraping over asphalt and concrete. Sensory hell. Don't even get him started on the flashing lights.

"Hey kid, get his attention for us!"

Peter's whole body buzzed loudly, and then he was yanked back by the wrist.

He was fine. Obviously he was fine. Maybe shaken, maybe even the tiniest bit impressed by the audacity, but he was Spider-Man, and he was capable of simply jerking his arm back— which he did.

The facts above apparently didn't matter in the slightest to Tony, because when Peter met his gaze again in the crowd, there was something in it so angry that his lungs went tight with alarm.

"Did you just grab him?" Tony said dangerously, staring at the offender with a blazing fury in his eyes. "Did you fucking grab him? You do that again you're getting amputated by the fucking limb, you hear me?"

He pushed back through the crowd and took hold of Peter's sleeve. Cameras flashed. Peter's face was a bright, embarrassed, cherry red. Tony was breaking his own rule, mortifyingly, just because of him. Oops.

"I'm sorry," came the voice of a man who absolutely didn't sound sorry. "I apologize sir, I just wanted a few lines for an article—"

"Oh, yeah, you wanted a few lines? I'll give you a few lines, buddy. What's your name? What company do you work for? Huh?"

Tony was yelling. Yelling like Peter had never seen him yell before, and the cameras continued to rattle and blind his peripheral vision. He tried tugging at his arm down to get Tony's attention, because the grip Tony had on his sleeve was firm enough to make his knuckles white and he'd surely notice the slightest movement.

"Mr. Stark, we gotta go," Peter tried. "C'mon."

Tony, his face still snarled up like the protective thorn of a blackberry bush, hesitated then. He schooled his expression into something tight-lipped and lock-jawed, and then steamrolled forward to the car.

As soon as they got in, Tony quickly locked their doors, and Peter let out the breath he'd been holding. He reached up and pulled the hood off, then tossed the hat to the backseat.

"Wow. That was—"

"Are you okay?" Tony asked, the stiffness never leaving his posture.

His eyes were darting all over Peter for any other signs of injury or distress. They lingering especially on his wrist for a moment, then Tony reached for his arm gently and scanned over the area with stressed meticulousness. His eyebrows furrowed, his trembling thumb trailing lightly over the skin.

"I'm all good," Peter promised, his eyes wide. "Really, I'm totally okay, no bruises, no breaks."

Tony looked... bad.

His eyes shot back up to Peter's, and there was a lot of guilt in the way they narrowed. If he didn't know any better, he'd say Tony even looked misty. Admittedly, that was horrifying; like it always was watching a trusted adult break down a little.

He always hated it when May cried, but she did cry— after a bad shift, or a sad movie, or one of those pet commercials on television, Peter always heard the tell-tale sniffle at his side, and the way she always would look up as if it would stop the tears. (It never did.)

But that was May, and Tony was not May. This just was different. Tony Stark didn't cry. Tony Stark was Iron Man, he was invincible, surely he wouldn't shed a tear just because some stranger grabbed his wrist a bit too tight.

Peter frowned. "Mr—"

Tony let go of his arm, then turned the key into the engine. He sniffed once, and didn't look back at Peter. "FRIDAY, I want all those articles and photos deleted as soon as they hit the web. Kid, seatbelt on."

"Yes, sir."

The car went silent, except for the anxious drumming of Tony's hands against the steering wheel. After a few long moments, even that had subsided. Tony seemed calm enough now that Peter's curiosity sparked up again.

"You looked at them," Peter spoke up. He looked at Tony through the corner of his eye. "You, uh... talked back to them too. Kinda broke your own rules."

"Yeah." Tony shrugged. "Well, rules kind of mean jack to me if I think you're in danger. Part of the job."

"The job?"

"Taking care of you. Making sure you're safe, protected, happy, healthy, learned, and whatever," Tony said, one hand coming off the wheel to make aimless gestures as he spoke. "You know, the job."

Peter's definitely heard of all of those responsibilities. The thing is, he heard them in some health class lesson, listed as the job description for a parent.

"The job," Peter repeated quietly.

Tony shrugged again. He turned at an intersection. "Yeah. Whatever, I read mentoring books. I'm a good student."

"Right."

"You sure you're okay?" Tony asked again, glancing over, giving him a quick scan. "Adrenaline should be worn off by now, huh? Still nothing hurts?"

"No," Peter said, feeling like he was in some kind of accidental-pseudo-father-acquisition daze. He blinked a few times at the sudden alarm in Tony's expression. "I mean—No, nothing hurts. I'm all good."

The relief again, palpable in the air as Tony relaxed in his seat. He nodded quickly and finally turned onto the Queensborough bridge. "Good. That's good. Alright. Great. This was fun, kid, huh? You had fun?"

"Yeah, definitely," Peter agreed easily. He let himself smile. He felt light. "It was a lot of fun."

"Good," Tony returned his smile. "Let's get you home to Aunt May, then."

"Yeah," Peter sat back in his seat. He turned the radio on and smiled comfortably. "Okay."

[niceminipotato]

Hello guys.

So for Pride month this year I really don’t have the capacity to do what I did last year with a one-shot a day. Sorry. Still I wanted to do something. So I will be posting 5 one-shots for 5 different fandoms. Hope you enjoy. The first is of course Meddison 😉

PRIDE - Panicked

She was breathing. Wasn’t she? Her heart rate spiking and the tingly feeling at the tip of her fingers didn't mean anything. The jumbling prickling sensation running up and down her spine was nothing. She was ok. She was alright. But… maybe this thing she was feeling wasn’t entirely normal?

No. She was fine. She just needed to breathe and clear her head. She only had to calm down. It didn’t matter that he knew. Everything was fine. Everything was—

“Denying it won’t make it be less true, Red.”

“Go away, Mark.”

Just how the heck had he found out? This whole thing was platonic. It wasn’t as if she had let anything show. Had she? Not even she herself believed this was true. Oh the lengths she’d go in her denial.

“You are in love with a woman. And hey that’s ok. I’ve been in love with women before.”

They were in the middle of the hall, where just about anyone could hear. As soon as the words left him she covered his mouth and glanced around. The last thing she needed was one more rumor about her to become part of the general circulation of Seattle Grace. And they didn’t need much to go off of…

First people had found out she had cheated on McDreamy and that’s why he ran. The amount of dirty looks she had gotten for that one made her laugh some times. Then people heard about things not working out in bed. Honestly, how they had found out about that one was a mystery to her. News of their divorce wasn't really a secret. Still the whole hospital was buzzing with it before lunch. The last bit had been her little arrangement with Mark, which of course led to nothing between them. Not that she wanted it either way. But after so long being in the front page she wanted to be out. She really didn’t need anything else to be part of the gossip cesspit that was this damned hospital.

“Shut up.” She seethed and Mark only chuckled.

Uncovering his mouth he gave her one of his shit-eating grins. “Red, this is fine. Falling for a w-”

“I told you to shut up.”

“Are you really that ashamed to have joined us in the rainbow?”

“Us? And I’m not—”

“You’re acting like it. Do you think it dirty? Are you not proud of what you are?”

Proud? It had nothing to do with pride(ahem). And she really wasn’t ashamed. She had never had issues accepting people and their preferences. Hell, it wasn’t as if anyone would need to have her blessing to love who they loved.

No. No one had the right to judge people. Not even Satan herself. Not that she’d ever want to or feel the need to. People get to be happy with whomever makes them happy. They get to be happy in whichever way they choose and no one has the right to keep them from their happiness. That was what she believed at least.

Back to the present conversation though. Mark really didn’t know what he was talking about. He was wrong (he wasn’t though).

“Mark, I-I’m not…” not what? Yes, I am.

Mark only watched her as she struggled with her own acceptance, his grin still as irritating as ever. In reality, it wasn’t hard to accept her inclinations. See, she had already had an inkling as to where her preferences lie. What was hard to accept was the reason or rather the person who finally cemented the notion for her. It was so messy and complicated.

“Why her?” She whispered the question echoing in her head.

“I think your heart chose the best person.”

“I don’t even know if she’s-”

“Meredith Grey is as colorful as you and me, Addison.” He took a deep breath and continued to smile.

“Do you hear yourself, right now?”

“Oh come on, Addie. Gotta throw in the jokes wherever I can.”

An eye roll was her only response as she went back to panicking over the fact that she had utterly fallen for the blonde with baby blue eyes. That same blonde who had been her ex-husband's mistress. The blonde she had thought she’d grow to hate but didn’t. Why did she have to be her ‘gay awakening’? Truthfully her gay awakening was probably that girl from med school but still not even her slight panic then could compare to her panic now. This felt more real. It felt true. But…

What was she supposed to do with all of this? What could she even do? Denying this whole thing was becoming increasingly harder. Making it seem as if Meredith being close didn’t affect her was just not something she could do anymore. Not now. Not after she let herself sorta accept the issue. She was freaking out now and she didn’t even have the other woman in front of her.

“Speak of the devil and she will appear. There’s Grey.”

Addison spun around, only years of experience kept her standing after moving so quickly on her high heels. Her heart, that traitorous thing, beat furiously as she noticed said blonde at the end of the hall with her person, as she called Cristina.

Mark chuckled beside her, no doubt noticing the bigger shift in her state. “Now what?”

“What do you mean now what?”

Mark let out an exasperated sigh, “do I need to spell it out for you?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about Mark?” Her gaze was still on the blonde when Mark leaned in and whispered the craziest thing in her ear, sending her into a stuttering mess. “W-wh-what?”

“Go over there and ask her out on a date.”

“Are you out of your mind? You hit your head before you got here, didn’t you? You need a CT.”

“My head is perfectly fine. And you just need to go over there and ask her out.” Mark wrapped an arm around her shoulders while she looked at him as if he had grown three heads.

“You must be delirious. Why would I go ask her out?”

“Because you like her and you’re both single so why not?”

Pulling away from him and turning to face him she shook her head. “I can’t just go ask her out. Sh-she’s… Meredith Grey.” She whisper-shouted the name and Mark only chuckled.

“Addison, what do you do when you’re interested in someone?”

“Nothing. Because I’m not interested.”

“Again. Denying it won’t make it less true.” He raised a brow when she opened her mouth to argue but closed it again. “Listen, trying won’t cause any harm. Just get over there.”

“Mark, I’m her ex’s ex-wife.”

“What I heard in that statement is that, as I said before, you’re both single.”

“That has nothing to do with—”

“What’s got you so scared, Addie?”

“If she’s not… and then even if she is… what if… what if—”

“You’re acting like a scared little baby. You won’t know what’ll happen until you try.”

“Can you give me a break? I just figured out that I—”

Mark laughed and she went on to shush him. “You did not just find out. You already knew.”

“I… whatever. What about Derek?” She asked and noticed Mark stiffening slightly, which was pretty strange.

“What about Derek?”

“You know what. Why are you being so defensive all of the sudden? Anyway, I don’t even know if he’s over her.”

Mark glared, “he is.”

“How would you even know?”

“I just do.”

“Well, I don’t believe you.” She crossed her arms and watched him almost pout before letting out a sigh.

“I know because we’re as colorful as you.”

“We’re…”

Suddenly Mark’s defensiveness made sense as well as the slight blush creeping along his neck. She looked at him a moment and watched him shift uncomfortably, which made her grin. There had always been something about Mark and Derek. The way they acted after that little drunken adventure which had led the three to bed. Oh yes. She could definitely see the two of them together and happy.

“I’m happy for you two then.”

“Yeah?”

There was a vulnerability to his words that made her reach out and squeeze his arm. “Yeah. Definitely.”

He relaxed, “good.”

“Mhmm.”

“Ok well now, as I said, Derek won’t be an issue so…”

“Mark…”

“Addie, just go over there and ask her out. What have you got to lose?”

‘Everything’, she thought to herself and Mark seemed to read the thought on her face.

“Don’t be a chicken. Do it or you’ll regret it. Trust me.”

The ringing of Meredith’s laugh floated over to them drawing their attention. Ignoring the chicken bit Mark had said she focused on the rest. As she watched the giggling blonde she wondered what could happen should she listen to her friend.

Did she have it in her to get hurt again and survive? Wouldn’t it be better to stay safe and away? What would Meredith do if she told her? What would she do if she didn’t? Would she really regret not acting on this? There were so many questions that she couldn’t find an answer to. What if it didn’t work out? But then… what if it did? What if Meredith felt the same? Could the blonde feel that draw she felt? That never ending pull? Did she also freak out when she figured it out? Was she stumped just as she was in her panic?

Meredith’s laugh rang once more, shaking her out of her haze. As she looked at the happy blonde she wondered how it would feel to be the one to make her smile. The one to make her laugh.

She could picture late dinners, rushed lunches, small juju breaks, late night movies, small conversations, wordless conversations. It was the little things she’d like with her. Coming home after a long day to just sit and be with each other. The other things that came from a relationship would be most welcomed as well. She would never deny that but just the small things, the things you don’t think about. She wanted those with the blonde. How would she get any of it if she didn’t try? At least once.

“Fine.”

“Yeah?” Mark beamed and she couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Yeah.”

“Ok. I’ll wait here. Then I’ll celebrate with you or go drown in beers with you.”

“I’d rather drown in wine.”

“Fine. Wine it is. But I don’t think we’ll need to drown.” Mark wiggled his brows and she shook her head.

They waited a few minutes for Cristina to finally leave Meredith on her own. Mark had been impatiently waiting, throwing glances towards the blonde. Addison had almost smacked him a few times for being so obvious. Once the brunette had gone leaving just Meredith at the nurse’s station he practically shoved her towards it.

Addison had half a mind of turning around and kicking him on the chins but resisted. She took a steady breath and made her way towards the blonde. Her usual strut was less impressive, less threatening. That confident gait of hers has been replaced by a nervous, almost hesitant, one.

Heart knocking violently against her rib cage she managed to get to Meredith, who was writing down notes on a chart. With absolutely no idea how she managed, she cleared her throat to call the blonde’s attention. Baby blue eyes met her jade and she almost turned around with her tail between her legs.

“Hey, Addison.” Meredith smiled softly and honestly why would she do that to her.

“H-hi.” ‘What the hell was that sound?’

“Umm hi.”

“Uh, busy?”

“Just charting.” Meredith watched her a while and the silence became awkward and almost unbearable. The blonde gave her an almost pained smile before she spoke again. “Well umm, yeah. I’ll see you later I guess?”

Addison resisted the urge to pinch or slap herself out of her haze. She needed to say something. She hadn’t come here to stand in front of Meredith doing nothing and looking like an idiot. She had come here to ask her out, like Mark had said. But her mouth wasn’t moving and the air was so thin. Still, though she had to say something, anything.

“A…” she began but stopped taking a quick breath before resuming. “Are you on a twelve?”

“I uh no. I’m not. Finishing a sixteen.”

“Oh, I see...” ‘Dammit, Addison. Talk!’ Another steady breath and she continued, “are you going to be busy after?”

Meredith frowned, curiosity evident in her eyes. “I don’t know.”

“You’re probably going to Joe's, huh?” Addison forced a chuckle and all she could think about was the cheer amount of awkwardness and tenseness in the air.

“M-maybe? I don’t know. I think I’m the only one that gets out early today.”

“Ah…”

“Addison, are you ok?”

“Yep. Are you ok?”

“Yes. It’s just you seem umm…”

She needed to stop. She was making things worse. Meredith was looking at her as if she had gone crazy. Frankly she felt was going crazy. Who in their right mind would do this? This thing wasn’t real. She didn’t—

“Denying it doesn’t make it less true, Red.”

One big deep breath and she grounded herself. “Meredith… let’s go out.”

Meredith stared blankly at her, her lips parting as her mouth hung slightly open. Briefly the image of staring into a computer blue screening entered her mind and she fought to contain her laughter. Soon the blonde’s gaze softened and she bit her lip almost nervously.

“Go out? You and I?”

The questions floated softly towards her and Addison couldn’t tell what emotion was swimming in those baby blue eyes. All she could tell was that now, now she was really freaking out. Her palms were starting to sweat and she had the sudden impulse to jump in the balls of her feet while chewing her bottom lip. She resisted in both instances.

“W-well, yeah. I mean umm well you and I… you know… and I thought that Joe’s was a good place. Unless you’d rather… if you’d like… uh…”

For a moment Meredith’s gaze drifted away from her and focused on something or someone behind her. Where her gaze had been blank then surprised then a bit soft when it returned to her once more it was hard and closed off.

“Is this a joke?”

“Huh? W-what do you…” Addison turned and found who the blonde had been looking at.

Mark had stayed right where they had been still staring towards them with a grin. It seemed as if he were poking fun and he probably was. Though Addison suspected the blonde had the completely wrong idea of what Mark was making fun of.

Spinning back to the blonde she began to blabber on. “No. No. No. Meredith I would never… he’s just— it’s not what you think… why the hell does that sound worse? No wait. Listen, he’s only making sure—”

“Goodbye Doctor Montgomery.”

If she thought she was panicking before she was wrong. Seeing the flash of pain etching into Meredith’s features sent her reeling. Quickly she made her way around the nurse station and thoughtlessly grabbed her hand.

“No. Please, it's really not what you’re thinking.” Meredith’s eyes locked on where she held her hand and she quickly let go. “ sorry. I… This really isn’t a joke. I’m not trying to make a fool out of you or … or anything like that. He, Mark, is only there because he’s trying to make sure that I go through with it. Wait no… that sounds worse than before.”

“Doctor Montgomery, I really am busy.”

Meredith’s low tone made her ache. Why was this going so wrong? All she had to do was tell her she wanted to go out with her. Why had it become so much more complicated? Meredith really thought that she was playing her.

“Meredith, wait. Please let me explain. See what’s happening is that I well I just wanted to uh you know… God I’m acting worse than a child. I’m being ridiculous.” She groaned and covered her face before taking a steadying breath. “Ok, I wanted to ask you out. I… well… I really…”

Why couldn’t she finish the stupid sentence? It was simple. Just three words and done. One more deep breath and keeping her gaze on the floor she went on.

“I’ve never done this before. Y-you’re the first um woman that I ask o-out. I sorta uh l-like you…”

Once the words were finally out she felt a bit more relieved but as she dared a glance at the other woman’s face her rising panic overtook her. Meredith stared blankly at her with her bottom lip stuck between her teeth. She didn’t know what to make of the reaction. Was this good or bad?

Her panic only rose higher as the seconds ticked by with silence being the only response from the blonde. She felt a pang on her heart as she realized that maybe coming to tell her had been wrong. That now Meredith was quiet because she couldn’t think of what to say to get out of the conversation. Maybe Meredith was straight unlike Mark had suggested. Or maybe she wasn’t but she still felt this was wrong.

“I… I… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.” There was a deep void spreading through her heart but she continued to force the words out. “Don’t mind me or what I said. I’m sorry. Just forget it all, ok? I’ll s-see you around.”

She turned away from the blonde, ready to bolt, and feeling her heart breaking. She needed to get out of there. Mark was frowning at the other end of the hall, seemingly confused, and she turned away from him too. As she made to step away a slender hand wrapped around her wrist.

“Addison, wait!”

Turning to the blonde she saw panic in baby blue eyes. Panic she supposed she had put there when she told her she liked her. She really should go before she broke down in front of Meredith. There was only so many times her pride would allow her to make a fool out of herself.

Trying to pull her hand away she began to beg the blonde to let her go. “Please—”

“I get out in, in an hour and twenty.”

“What?”

Meredith bit her lip nervously, a slight blush dusting her cheeks. “I get out soon. So maybe we um we could go out?”

“Y-you want to?” Addison only blinked in disbelief.

“Yes. I also um well me too. Same like you.”

The blonde’s sentence was a complete mess but she understood. Suddenly, Addison could feel a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. A smile, which Meredith nervously mirrored. Soon butterflies sprung to life in her stomach. Her fingers tingled, but it wasn’t a bad tingle. It wasn’t the nervous and panicked one. It was the excited one, the expectant one.

“You want to go out?” She asked and Meredith nodded vigorously. “O-ok. In an hour twenty?”

“Y-yeah. We can um go to Joe’s. Though I’m a little hungry—but Joe’s is fine.”

“Well there’s this sushi place I want to try. We could uh maybe go there instead?”

“Sushi’s good.” Meredith beamed at her and before she knew it the blonde had left a peck on her cheek.

Her brain almost short-circuited at the action. She could feel heat rising on her cheeks and the top of her ears. Her breath hitched, and she felt herself shudder. She was definitely going through it, but one glance at Meredith told her that the blonde was going through it worse than she was.

The pinkish hue from before had intensified into an almost crimson. Her baby blue eyes were wide in shock. It appeared as though Meredith had acted on impulse, and now it was catching up to her. She rambled incoherently and Addison found it so very cute. The blonde waved her hands around, trying to explain, maybe? Addison wasn’t sure what Meredith was saying because she was on cloud nine at the moment.

“…uh s-so an-an hour and change?”

Addison shook herself out of her stupor and nodded with a grin. “Yes. I’ll meet you in the lobby.”

“Ok.” Meredith grinned back nervously before turning around to leave.

Before she could talk herself out of her own impulse Addison gingerly grabbed the blonde’s wrist making her stop. Before Meredith could fully turn to look at her she was already placing a soft kiss on her cheek earning herself a surprised gasp.

“Thought I’d return the favor.” She whispered before pulling away. “I’ll see you soon.”

Meredith nodded wordlessly before scurrying away with her adorable flushing self. A chuckle escaped her at the ridiculousness of the whole situation.

She had been needlessly drowning herself in panic and anxiety. She had been so scared without needing to be. It appeared as though Meredith was having the same issue she was. Oh but was she ever so glad she had done it. Glad she had listened to her friend, even though for a moment that same friend had almost cost her everything.

“So… you’re going out with Grey?”

She wasn’t surprised when Mark appeared beside her. “I am. I am also going to kill you.”

“What? Why?” He brought a hand to his chest in mocked offense.

“She thought I was playing her because you were so not subtly watching us.”

“I just had to make sure you did it. I’m taking my duty as a friend and wingman seriously.”

“Oh, be quiet. Anyway, I have to go. I need to leave my written orders for tonight.”

Mark wiggled his brows suggestively, “why the hurry, Red?”

Narrowing her gaze she sized him up before speaking, “because, Mark Sloan, I have a hot date to get ready for.”

“Wow, the panic went away. Good.”

“I wasn’t panicking.”

“Denying it doesn’t make it less true.”

“Bye, Sloan.” She rolled her eyes and began to make her way to the elevators.

“I’ll walk you. Need to give you pointers.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Mhmm. So listen, take her to a nice place then you start a simple conversation. Don’t do heavy things first. Just ease into it and—”

“I know how to go on dates, Mark.” She let out already exasperated.

“I know but still I’m nothing if not a good wingman.”

“Manwhore is more like it…” She muttered under her breath.

“That’s besides the point plus I’m taken now. “ He shrugged. “So as I was saying when you so rudely interrupted. Take her to a nice place and…

Hope y’all enjoyed this messy little thing 🤭 until the next one. Stay awesome 😎

[whysojiminimnida]

OH MY GOD CALM DOWN JEEZ

People still losing their shit over this

and with good reason I might add, I have spoken on it already *coughbetweenroundscough* but the naysayers are saying NAY very horsily, more like "neigh loud enough and it won't be true" which: points for the coping mechanism, denial is a powerful tool, use it as needed but REALLY? At some point it's gotta be sinking in.

"BUT HE WAS IN BUSAN"

No shit, Sherlock. Y'all act like he wasn't there for Jimin's Live and a train can't get to Busan in four hours. Trust and believe that it can. It's 2:15 on the high speed rail that is usually closed at that time of night unless you're BTS. But even if he went earlier...

... you can be assured that the jeonparkery was going, is going, will go and already done went DOWN.

It went down so hard that the hyung of all hyungs had to address it:

I love Korean and its lack of reasoned pronouns. He meant "everyone will think we're on bad terms but none of us are because we're all cool. So cool."

MEETINGS HAVE BEEN HELD. This has been a Topic Of Meetings. ARMY opinions, "anti-shipper" and TKK opinions are considered Valuable Factors for marketing because of their dollar signs, and it was addressed as recently as yesterday. Totally unrelated, traveling separately is a great way to deflect suspicion and enhance security, not that anyone would think otherwise. ANYWAY.

THEY READ US. BTS READS US. They do. I cannot tell you how many times I've been told "Yeah so Hobah says ARMY's on their bullshit again", like.... Y'ALL. I HEAR THIS WEEKLY. And in case the bajillion posts didn't clue you in, Hoseok hangs with Jimin almost daily. They are close in a way that, I hate to even say it, Taehyung and Jimin are not. Not anymore.

He did post though.

I mean he didn't say "bro" or anything so it isn't romantic but... don't get any crazy ideas, they're fine. They're just fine, fine, fine. Sing it with me, they're fiiiine... kinda. I'm actually addressing the maknae line in a series that may have to take a back seat to Busan this week. The lines at Magnate are OUT THE DOOR (photo stolen from twt user pjmdata who is there, unlike me but very like Kev and X)

And naturally some elements just have to go and step on normal human boundaries and insert themselves into every situation:

It's not as big a deal as it looks. Kev saw it and says it's actually one of those oversized poster-type digital ads in a station, people sneeze as they walk past it and don't even look because the rest of Busan is rightfully INSANE, lining up at the Jeon Park Tribute Wall and everything. I'm told it's an entire Jiminfest over there right now. That's gotta be chapping some asses.

So, listen. The Jeon-Parks are doing well. Happy, as much as any closeted gay couple in a massive media frenzy can be. It's not easy spending years of your twenties dodging the press and the cameras and the fans you love so you don't get outed. Jungkook in particular, never a lie-down-and-take-it kind of guy (ahem, as far as we know), is having a rough time with the Golden Closet. Films or no films. Maybe personal films, I'm not judging.

It's a beautiful sunny day in FloriDUH and I'm off to see my only daughter for the first time in a solid year so cut me a break, willya, I'll update as I have the inclination but yeah. I think we may have a coming out before I expected it. We'll see. I LOVE YOU GUYS, LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOUUUUUU /rosebowl /fireworks

I'm out. Carry on.

[ggulmul]

Hello! Can I ask you what do you think about the Jungkook with his tattoo artist/Mijoo situation? Some people brought it up today and I'm always going back to it tbh. The whole situation just gives me bad vibes? From her staff, and the people around them, I don't know. Some people think they were dating but denied the rumors/lied because they both got a lot of hate. Some people think they were genuinely just friends.

I don't know what to think, tbh. The hug did seem kind of intimate? But I've seen Jungkook hug hoseok from behind and press his nose to his neck, so... Jungkook seems to be very affectionate and even clingy once he gets really comfortable with someone, friend or not. So, could be just his normal behavior with friends.

If they had a thing, then that would imply that Jikook broke up at that time, but I didn't see any change in their behavior? I mean, Jungkook did wake up really early in BV4 (which was after the whole scandal) just to catch some snow for Jimin, and he was very sweet to him, maybe to make it up for all the unnecessary drama?

Idk, sometimes I wonder what Jimin thought about this whole thing. If he was upset, or if he knew Mijoo and was friends with her, too, since she was tattooing Jungkook and he was hanging out with her. I think he has covered most of her tattoos with Polyc, though, so idk if they're still good friends.

She did post on her Instagram at the time she was "absolutely not" Jungkook's girlfriend, but it could be a lie to save the situation and end the rumors once and for all. People said she claimed to have a boyfriend, but I couldn't find anything like that in her statement. I did see a picture of her with a guy hugging her from behind the same way, so she could also be really affectionate with her friends.

The whole situation is unclear and very confusing. A lot suspicious too.

What do you think?

Hi, anon! Thank you for your thoughts on the Mijoo debacle. I don’t mind sharing my own perspective, although I know this can be a rather touchy subject. There’s the incident in itself and its possible implications. But also the invasion of privacy, and the harrowing backlash Jungkook faced because of it. The same goes for Mijoo, honestly, who was harassed ceaselessly afterwards.

Regardless of what transpired, neither of them is guilty of any wrongdoing. The reactions were out of proportion. Still, I can understand why this caused such a stir. Casual skinship between men and women isn’t common in South Korea, and is usually a sign someone’s dating. But there are always exceptions. We know Jungkook is physically affectionate with his friends. For him, gender might not even factor into that (well, besides in consideration of outward appearances). Additionally, there are photos of Mijoo being embraced in the same way by other male friends. This sort of neutralises the act, in terms of its romantic connotations. Let’s remember that we’re talking about a crew of tattoo artists in a conservative country where tattoos are still heavily frowned upon. They’re nonconformists, and the same could be said about Jungkook. One might expect them to be more relaxed about social and cultural norms.

Once the photos came to light, the rumours were swiftly denied by the company, and Mijoo herself in a personal statement. Could this just have been a tactical move to protect them from the hate and scrutiny? Sure. It’s not unthinkable. But I’m inclined to believe the explanation that was put forth as the truth, especially when there’s nothing definitive to disprove it.

As far as Jimin’s reaction goes, I can only speculate. But I reject the idea that Jungkook could have been seeing Mijoo while him and Jimin were on a break. Either Jikook were together before-during-after this ordeal, or they were never together in the first place. Shortly before the scandal unfolded, Jimin flew across the world to surprise Jungkook for his birthday. After their break, BTS were right off to shoot Bon Voyage 4, and Jikook were fine, no visible tension. I’m sure the experience was taxing for Jimin as well, but primarily from having to watch someone he loves being put through the wringer. I don’t think Jungkook was trying to make up for something with his chunk of snow, as cute as it was. I doubt either of them felt there was anything to make up for. Their relationship seemed to remain unchanged, and it’s probably because nothing that happened posed a threat to their relationship in the first place.

In conclusion, I get why this incident is difficult to shake. But I try to refrain from attributing any more significance to it. We were told there was nothing between Jungkook and Mijoo beyond friendship. It seems sensible to accept that, rather than ruminate on what is, at the end of the day, just a hug and some questionable circumstances.

[theeccentricraven]

For those who ask, "How do I come up with original ideas?" here's the scary truth, the half truth, and the 3 tips that will save you (plus seven bonus tips)💡

Whenever I see writers post on social media asking, "How do I come up with original ideas?" or "I want to write but my ideas aren't original. What do I do?" or "Is this idea original?" it feels strange. Throughout my lifespan, I've come up with hundreds of ideas I want to write someday, no joke. I've heard authors talk about the background of writing a story. Never did I nor the authors I admire ask, "Huh, is that an original idea?" When an idea comes to you, the passion can fill you so strongly that you feel you have to make it a reality. If you don't feel the passion for the idea or hesitate to write it, you might need to question why you are pursuing the idea n the first place. This is where I get to my first point on the scary truth behind writing.

The Scary Truth 

One of my favorite writers is Shannon Hale. Years ago, her website squeetus.com featured a page on how to be a writer. One section was called, "Why do you want to be a writer?" Her theory was that there's only one good reason to be a writer: "I have so many ideas that I have to write down and share." She believed that if one's motivation to be a writer is, "I like the idea of being a published writer" or "I see other people writing and it looks like a cool thing I'd like to do", then you're going to be disappointed and less likely to be successful. She makes a good point. Wanting to be a writer is like dreaming of being a Hollywood actor. It looks glamorous to walk among the stars, but you'd have to be willing to commit to acting lessons not to mention the dark side of Hollywood life. You would only become a Hollywood actor if it's your passion you can't live without. Every successful writer that I've seen has that need to write, willing to endure the long hours and stress that comes with writing. If that's not you, this might not be for you. 

Does that mean there's no hope for you and you should quit? Not necessarily. I can't tell you what's best for you. I can't tell you what your purpose is in life nor what your goals should be. Only you can tell yourself this. If you are saying, "But I really want to write! I am serious about being a writer and willing to commit! I just don't know what to do about my unoriginal idea!" My reply is, that's awesome. The good news is I have three tips to help you so that you'll come out of this knowing what to do. First, we debunk a myth, or dismantle a half truth.

The Half Truth

Whenever I see people post the question, "How do I come up with original ideas/I don't know if my idea is original" the most common response from other users is "There are no original ideas." This is a fair response. Is it true? I'm inclined to say…kind of? Or maybe I should say, "Yes, but no?" I think that attestation comes from looking only at the skeleton of a story, not the story as a whole. Some people say it as, "There are only seven stories". Maybe there's only seven themes or seven concepts or seven tropes. However, themes, concepts, and tropes alone are not stories. I describe it as how every human being looks different, twins and multiples aside. Humans come in many shapes, sizes, figures, heights, eye color, hair styles, shades of skin tone, etc., but underneath, our skeletons relatively look the same. Likewise, stories can be built on the same skeleton, but they are fleshed by different shapes, figures, and colors. I personally believe that there's an infinite amount of stories out there. Lots of stories have been told and there's still more to tell. 

The other issue I have with when people say, "There's no original stories," is you don't want to let that stop you from being original. Here are some examples.

When Brandon Sanderson created Mistborn,  he didn't think, "Because the story of the hero's journey has been told so many times in fantasy, it should be OK for me to make yet another high fantasy novel of the hero's journey."

When JK Rowling got the idea for Harry Potter, she didn't think, "Oh, there's already a book about a boy who goes to wizard school called A Wizard of Earthsea, so there's no point in me writing this." 

You’re not condemned to a certain type of story when you come up with an idea, which leads to my first point.

Make it original

Another reason I find it a curious question when people ask, "My idea is too clichéd, how do I come up with an original idea?" is that my knee jerk reaction is, “You know what's wrong with it. Why don't you make it original? Why don't you change it to get rid of the cliches and make it original?" Going back to Brandon Sanderson, he's described the idea process for Mistborn as beginning with the question, "What if the hero who was supposed to save the world failed and the dark lord won?" With a little time, he thought, "What if the only way the dark lord could be defeated was by a bunch of thieves running an Ocean's 11 like heist to rob the dark lord?" Many stories are the results of writers who wanted to defy genre and turn tropes and cliches on their head. When William Goldman wrote The Princess Bride, he defied the fairytale romance tropes by making the prince the bad guy and the pirate the good guy. When DreamWorks made Shrek, it defied every trope of the classic Disney fairytale features. When you've read or seen a lot, you know what's been done before and how you can be different. Examples of where this has been done badly include Disney's Dinosaur and The Force Awakens where lazy writing produced virtual plagiarism. Instead of recycling old ideas, you can throw out the rotted food to replace with fresh produce, which leads to my second tip.

2. Use an old idea with a fresh approach. 

As the saying goes, put old wine in new bottles. Harry Potter was not the first story about a child who goes to magic school, but JK Rowling took a fresh approach with her own unique setting and relatable characters. The Hunger Games was not the first story about a game where contestants kill each other, but its powerful female protagonist, gripping plot, intense action, and thought provoking questions made it feel unique. Bumblebee feels similar to the Iron Giant/ET: The Extraterrestrial, but audiences still loved it because it has a heart and charm that speaks for itself. There's always a way to take an idea that's been used before, clean it up, redress it, and present it fresh. Oftentimes, well written characters and plot twists are what give a story its own voice. This leads to my third tip.

3. Make the writing superb

Have you heard the story of how Jim Butcher created Codex Alera? Years ago, Jim was on a forum chatting with aspiring writers. One user made the statement that the writers who really succeeded were those with the great ideas. Jim said no, the ones who succeed are those good at writing, as a bad idea can still be turned to a well written story. The two argued back and forth, ending with Jim saying, "Tell me your worst idea and I'll make it into a story that will be awesome." The user replied, "I want you to write Pokémon meets the Lost Roman Legion." The result was Codex Alera, a highly rated book of clever plot twists and compelling characters. 

One of the problems with being worried about originality is that audiences aren't likely to say, "I loved that story because it's original." They're more likely to say, "I loved that story because the characters feel so real, the plot is exciting, it had me up late, and I was so touched in the end that I cried." This is what audiences want. They're not asking for originality, but a well written story. This is why it's often said that ideas are cheap.

Ironically, there's a juxtaposition where the idea is both the most important part of the story and the least important. You should write because you have an idea you're passionate about, yet the idea is insignificant compared to how good your writing needs to be. My personal opinion is you don't find the story. The story finds you. You bait yourself by diving into the world around you. I think in many ways, the question of how to find an original idea is similar to the story of how to deal with writer's block. As a bonus, I'm adding my seven tips on how to deal with writer's block to help you out of the finding an idea rut.

4. Read a good book you haven't read before. This will not only help you learn from the good writing but stimulate your mind.

5. Read a bad book and write down how you would rewrite the book. You're not only learning but stimulating your imagination. 

6. Think about a book/movie/TV show/video game/any story where you didn't like how it ended and come up with a better ending. Again, you learn from dissecting a story while getting your creative juices going.

7. Write down a few "what if" questions. Think of how to use answers in your current project or a new project.

8. Skip writing filler and jump to the good parts. (This is more writer’s block related, but can help you to let the idea evolve naturally to a story)

9. Take time to do other creative hobbies. Depending on what you like to do, you could knit, take photos, paint, draw, play the guitar, sculpt, etc. I don’t just write. I like to cook, bake, play the harp, and cross-stitch. As a writer, you are a creator. You get your mind brewing when you are creating, even if it’s not a story.

10. Go on a walk. Or do whatever allows you to think and reflect. Listen to music. Meditate. Whatever lets you take a break and let your thoughts wander freely. 

Secret 11th bonus tip….

11. Use writing prompts. I didn’t mention this as part of the official list because writing prompts aren’t my thing. However, if you don’t know where to start or feel lost, writing prompts can be helpful.

So there you have it. My only goal in writing this is to help whoever is reading this find their calling in life, whether as a writer or as something else. Only you can find your calling. I hope you find it and get out of what's holding you back. 

Photo is by Bram Naus on Unsplash

[away-ward]

I actually believe the verse(s)? You included in the last anon goes well with emmy’s relationship with Martin.

“Lord what will become of me once I’ve lost my Novelty?”

I feel like in some way Martin lives vicariously through Emmy and takes ownership (I can’t think of a better word) of her accomplishments. However, despite everything Martin still abuses her so she puts less effort into being put together because it doesn’t matter what she does Martin will still be Martin.

“How long will it be cute

All this crying in my room

Whеn you can't blame it on my youth

And roll your eyes with affеction?”

Before their parents died Em described their relationship as somewhat amicable, especially because she was little kid. However, once their parents died and Em was older maybe 13-14 yrs old Martin did not see her as a little kid anymore and In fact probably resented her because he was left to take care of her.

Thats just my thoughts on those lyrics but I feel like it can also be definitely be tied back to will I guess in some way.

Oh I really like this interpretation! And your points fit really well too.

Not to keep referencing lyrics, but when you say Martin was living through Emory, it does remind me of Billie Eilish's happier than ever, "You made all my moments your own". Along with all the points you brought out, I think of how Martin liked when people complimented him on Emory's accomplishments. He wanted her to be perfect so he can shine. Anything that she did reflected on him, and he could act as if they were his good deeds. It's why he got mad when she quit things. It was always about him. Every accomplishment, every award, every good or positive remark, he took credit for.

I like how you linked the lyrics back to her childhood, when they had somewhat of a good relationship. She said he was always looking for perfection from her, but there were times he was genuinely nice. I think the saddest thing is there was probably no escaping this issue with Martin. If it wasn't Emory, it would have been another girl, or his future wife and children. Not trying to say he couldn't have controlled himself if he wanted to, just that he always had the inclination and made the wrong choices.

And more than that, I think it even fits the first verse very well to, which was a little bit of stretch for me since emory didn't go out have have fun. But Martin would mock her, almost encouraging her to get hurt by the privileged boys - telling her he would have wanted her to get knocked up just so he could have an in with their power and money, as if that's all she would have been good for. But afterward, he still wouldn't have loved her. He would throw her away as soon as he didn't need her anymore and he did. As soon as she signed that paper, he promised never to see her again.

Oooh, Martin is a piece of work isn't he?

[mejomonster]

Silent Reading. So, last time I read around half. This time I'm starting from beginning. Justice in the Dark indicates Pei Su is doing a side investigation (likely about his mom, or who hit his dad in the car accident, or who's trying to kill him now). To a degree, i wonder if in retrospect in the novel if Fei Du partially (or totally but I'm inclined to believe his general warmth for Tao Ran is real) starts "seriously pursuing" Tao Ran because it's an in to the police.

It's also, on a personal relationship level, an olive branch to get closer to Luo Wenzhou by proxy of social connections. It gives him an excuse to reunite "the whole family" instead of just him and Tao Ran, since Luos relationship with him is indicated to have been strained for a While when the novel starts. If Tao Ran is "with" Fei Du, then Fei Du can see Luo as a "brother in law" and run into him. If he IS still concerned about Luos well being he can disguise it with caring about Tao Ran and by extension Tao Rans loved ones. He can see if Luo is in a state to make any kind of amends or if he's still a stubborn asshole who abandoned Fei Du and didn't believe him/didn't do what Fei Du needed him to as a child.

In the show Justice in the Dark, Pei Su is absolutely using the Tao Ze crush at least partly to compete with Luo. Whether it's revenge (I fuck up your life for leaving me), proof he's an adult At Luos level now (I can do anything you can have anything you want you NEED to take me seriously and you stopping me from my investigation and doubting my suspicions cause I was "younger" is bullshit), an attempt to get his attention again (on some level wanting one of the other people besides Tao Ze who he views as warm family to make amends), and/or simply copying Luo as he attempts his act of being a normal ordinary charming guy instead of just the monster he's scared he is (he mirrors and copies Luo so much it wouldn't surprise me he'd make the jump that a warm sincere relationship is more Normal and he wants to be and feel Normal and LUO crushes on Tao Ze and takes X actions, and Tao Ze is the safest person Pei Su knows to emotionally open up to now that Luos cold with him so why not just copy Luo and try to date Tao Ze? Why not flirt the same while he's at it, to show off how much better he is at it - how he's their equal now instead of their 'kid' - by showering Tao Ze lavishly with the same caretaking and I'm So Hot Cool that Luo attempts with Tao but cranked up to 11).

Well in the book. Fei Du does seem to be pursuing Tao Ran with at least some emotional intent (at least I think it's not all motivated by trying to get police info - Tao Ran IS his last safe family like person to be open to besides his therapist who he can trust but not love, he does love Tao Ran, and Luo IS gone with their falling out, so Tao Ran as an object of pursuit makes sense). But I do think there's a level of planning to it that indicates to me maybe, just maybe. He did have additional motives.

Quote:

I’m solemnly and earnestly pursuing a wife,” Fei Du said carelessly. “Is it suitable to play around while I pursue? It doesn’t show quality.”

Zhang Donglai looked at his shirt and long hair blowing in the night wind. Aside from dissipation, he really couldn’t think what other quality Fei Du might have. He quickly went after him and said, “You’re crazy. Ignoring the whole lush forest to go after one old, poor…”

Fei Du suddenly turned his head and looked coldly at Zhang Donglai.

There was something peculiarly contradictory about his manner. Smiling, he was full of flirtation, but as soon as his face turned serious, this keen, solemn feeling would seamlessly take over. His gaze was almost menacing.

Given that he's a playboy entirely before he starts pursuing Tao Ran sincerely. And the poem he sends Tao Ran in the first flirt scene IS sweet, but? It sort of sounds like a depth of emotional vulnerability I don't think Fei Du actually feels comfortable showing anyone. It's pretty words, but if pushed? If Tao Ran wasn't a "safe" crush that was straight and unlikely to flirt back or escalate the relationship.

If Tao Ran wasn't a nice "potential" where Fei Du can fantasize about intimacy and enjoy the chase and dream of being with this man who's his found family forever? It wouldn't work. Fei Du wouldn't know what to do if Tao Ran said "i like men. I like you. Can I kiss you?" At the end of a date. It would mean their stable Safe relationship would change to romantic, and dating is unstable, people break up all the time and can't become emotionally close the same again, and people during dating are challenged to open up emotionally more than they did before getting romantic (sometimes) and Fei Du has never shared the darker parts of himself with Tao Ran like he did with Luo. And he "lost" Luo when Luo saw those parts of him. And Fei Du would be terrified to lose Tao Ran too.

So it's very VERY convenient it's a crush on a totally straight man unswayed by Fei Du being one of the hottest people in town, a straight man who Luo Wenzhou already is "more equal to" in terms of age and profession and if he Was gay Tao Ran would Probably consider dating Luo first. And Luos so aggressively territorial OVER Tao Ran that the competitive aspect makes Tao Ran less likely to give Fei Du even a one serious consideration shot, because Luo rarely would give Tao Ran the chance, because Tao Ran would be hounded by Luo to give Luo a chance too. Basically it's a crush on an unavailable man. A safe potential, not a person he'd actually be able to handle deeply being with romantically.

Quote:

"The wind is strong, my hands and feet are frozen through, yet my heart is warm. But I don’t know why, there is always a softness in my heart. I want to be beside you, just on the point of sadness.”

“It’s signed ‘Fei,’” said Lang Qiao. “Fei who?”

Tao Ran snatched it back. “Don’t fool around. Give that to me.”

“After all that fuss, it’s just from your girlfriend. Here I was thinking Chief Luo was publicly confessing his feelings for you.”

You know, to be fair to Fei Du. 1. Who knows how much he is self aware he's crushing on Tao Ran partly because is IS unavailable and not a real option. Lots of people crush on tons of unavailable people because people who will leave you are predictable, "safe" and to actually date someone who loves you back can be scary cause it's new and you can't control if they hurt you or are safe until you find out. At least thats what the psychology articles I read say about it. I certainly find it to be true with some people. 2. The poem does fit his emotions well, I'm just not sure it's "my Husband Tao Ran" hes really wanting. His environment is cold (correct), his heart is warm (there is kindness in fei du we see it in him helping friends, helping He Zongyis mom, his care about Tao Ran is genuine, there IS a warmth in Fei Du fighting desperately to be good and make a safe warm life for himself different than the growing up with his father he had and the pain of the grief hes still carrying and the fear he has desires to be cruel and may act on them). "I don't know why, there is always a softness in my heart" a weakness to be not like my dad or open up and I'm afraid but it's a kind soft fear. "I want to be beside you" he does Desperately want Tao Ran to remain in his life, thats true. Tao Ran (especially with the Luo fall out) is the only true family like person he has in his life, he does very much fear Tao Ran leaving him for a wife and kids and new "family" Fei Du isn't potentially part of (another reason that's not romantic love to pursue dating Tao - it may scare off pursuers of Tao and keep their little family unit the same for a little while longer). "Just on the point of sadness." Sadness of what? Could be many things. Sadness he fears if he is with Tao Ran romantically completely, that Tao Ran would leave him (see the monster and grieving and cruelty and pain and break up, see the refusal to open up and the more negative traits Luo has seen but Tao Ran is largely shielded from since Fei Du tries to be his best self around Tao). Then his family would be gone. Sadness that he wants to be beside Tao Ran for life but knows it won't be forever, and that's frightening that he may lose Tao Ran again to another family or lover someday. To the point of sadness could be... generally his fear that he wants Tao Ran so badly in his life, to remain in it forever, but he thinks Tao Ran won't. He's afraid of losing him. Losing him just by nature of being his whole self as Fei Du and that eventually being rejected, or losing him to Tao Rans own life changing.

[obsessivelollipoplalala]

I'm curious, what do you think about David Minns and his relationship with Freddie? It's always been difficult to figure out for me

It is difficult because we never heard Freddie's side of the story and David was so bitter in his book, and as another user (again, I think it was rushingheadlong) pointed out, it's hard to take David at his word when he got a lot of stuff factually wrong about Queen, too. He's like an unreliable narrator, imo. I'll get the less controversial takes out of the way. It was Freddie's first real relationship with a man, so it was important. It seems like Freddie did love David at some point and it probably felt good for him to finally be with a man. With that said, Freddie was still with Mary for the first year or so of their relationship, which obviously put a lot of strain on them. I understand why David would get fed up with their relationship being hidden and his boyfriend still having a beard...and I understand why Freddie still felt the need to hide. He was the face of a rock band in the 1970s with growing global success. He didn't want the band to be impacted by his sexuality. He knew his parents would never accept him. He was likely afraid to break off the longest relationship he ever had, the one with Mary, even though he was ultimately unhappy with her, because Freddie had a really hard time cutting ties with people in general.

David also talked about Freddie facing guilt over being gay, feeling like he was letting his family and his religion down. He said Freddie would take out his struggles with his sexuality and family on him in arguments, which I can picture. Since portraying Freddie as a gay man struggling immensely with his sexuality was/is not at all a popular, money-making take, I'm more inclined to believe this.

Now, let's get to the ugly stuff. There were the arguments I just mentioned, and like I said, I understand why it would be taxing on David to be in that situation. It seems like neither man was really mentally ready to be in a monogamous, stable relationship tbh, and neither had a model for what a healthy relationship between men was supposed to look like. Freddie fell for Joe and wanted to have his cake and eat it, too, by dating Joe and David, but he didn't ask for either man's consent beforehand lmao, so they were understandably very pissed. I think Freddie was...kind of emotionally unstable when it came to romance when he first came out. He'd spent his entire life, 30 years, deeply closeted at that point, and when he finally let himself break free, he kind of needed a period to explode (hello, "Don't Stop Me Now"). He needed to find himself as a gay man and have a lot of sex with men tbh--which is great! But he also wanted a committed, loving relationship, and to paraphrase Freddie, you can't have that when you're fucking half the world (again, those are his words lol. He was so funny sometimes). So, I understand why Freddie acted the way he did, but he quite simply wasn't ready for the kind of relationship he dreamed of tbh and I don't blame David for not wanting Freddie to cheat on him, of course.

But, here's the controversial part: Freddie's first relationship with a man was abusive.

David admitted to hitting him first, to being the one to start physical violence in their relationship. I honestly really hate when people say Freddie and David's relationship was mutually bad, because emotionally, yes, perhaps, but they were not equally wrong. David threw the first blow, and that fundamentally changes a relationship forever, and it changes how you're going to react to what that other person does. It makes a person more on edge when the possibility that their partner will turn around and hit them isn't a scary fantasy anymore. Fighting back against someone who hit you is not "mutual abuse", either. There was some story in the book where David said he started a physical fight with Freddie, but Freddie ended it, if you know what I mean. Like...idk, maybe I've read too much Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, but maybe David shouldn't have started fucking hitting his boyfriend first if he didn't want Freddie to fight back! There was always that option!

And again with us not knowing Freddie's side--Minns said Freddie didn't even care when he was in the hospital for intentionally trying to overdose, and David Evans said Freddie called up to ask about it, but Evans more or less responded like, "wtf do you care? You have Joe." So Freddie did reach out, but was pretty much met with scorn, and this happened after a pattern of abuse from David so...yeah, you can see why Freddie would break up with him then and just want to be finished with him. I'm not saying David tried to kill himself to further emotionally abuse Freddie (though suicide threats are an emotional abuse tactic experienced by friends of mine) because he did genuinely seem like a troubled person. I'm saying that things probably looked very different from Freddie's perspective.

And despite it all...Freddie reached out to David again in 1986 simply because he wanted to be friends again. David even said Freddie was nothing but kind to him after that. Freddie had done a lot of healing by then and had Jim. But I also think David said something about how he thought he could've "saved" Freddie in his book? Which is just nonsense for so many reasons, I don't even have the strength to get into them right now lol.

But yeah like, everyone talks about how Bill was abusive towards Freddie, but with David, it's suddenly "complicated"? No, it isn't, really. Freddie verbally fighting with David or even cheating with Joe didn't mean he deserved to be hit. I think it's worthwhile to think about the long-term impact it had on Freddie's ability to form long-lasting relationships with men and have healthy coping mechanisms, when the first real man he ever loved turned around and hit him. It's not that Freddie never did anything wrong, it's that this shit has a fucking impact on people and I don't think it's a stretch to trace some of his unhealthy behavior in relationships back to at least being solidified by that first experience with a same sex relationship.

So...yeah. The whole thing was one great, big mess, in my view, even if there was genuine love at some point. Given how many issues Freddie had to work out, I don't think it ever would have worked tbh, but David's behavior certainly did not help and I do not like him.

[casspurrjoybell-29]

Healing Ties - Chapter 51 - Part 2

*Warning Adult Content*

"It would be better if we were further from the border," Yore stated, anxious for the young and elderly of all the clans . "We tried to keep everyone who's not specifically there to guard it away from here and it would mean less worry about tracking chips in any of the slaves you rescue. Aside from current events, there's not much danger of a group of humans marching a day or more past the border after a stray slave."

"Lynna more or less said the same about that last part," Simon said.

"Duran still had his chip but you can see The Spire from so far away and it's such an obvious landmark that it's not really a concern. She deactivated it anyway, of course, just in case they use it against us in the future."

"Who knows what the future will look like?" Yore mused.

"Maybe things will be different. Maybe we won't be enemies with the humans. Maybe we'll become allies or maybe we'll decide we don't want them around anymore to be enemies with."

"That awkward feeling when you're a human..." Hamish murmured.

"Ah, sorry," Yore said. "I forget sometimes. You know that wasn't what I meant but... even so. It's not as simple as that, is it? You have family, friends, many people who you wouldn't want to die. Some of those humans are children, too. Would we really go that far? It's much easier when you talk about it abstractly, when you view it as nothing more than a problem to be solved."

"An alliance, though..." Simon said.

Yore inclined his head.

"It feels unlikely but unlikely things happen every day. It was unlikely that I would be the one to stumble upon Fanner in those woods but it happened. It was unlikely that you would find me in those tunnels and save me. It was unlikely that I would survive after what followed. Everything we are, everything we've lived through, has been unlikely. Maybe we'll get dealt just one more fortunate hand."

"Hmm, well, as a soldier, I believe we make our own fortune," Simon said. "I don't know how an alliance would ever be possible but I'm ready to fight to protect what I have."

"We'll do what we have to," Yore agreed.

Slone sat down beside Yore with the ease of someone with pain-free joints.

He set the platter of food he was carrying across both of their laps.

"Try the fish cakes. They're good. Got some baked fish there straight off the fire, too."

"Thank you," Yore said as he took one of the fish cakes. "Sometimes it's hard to remember that I need to take care of myself even when other things feel more important."

Slone handed Yore another fish cake as soon as he was done with his first.

"Don't envy you for that. I couldn't do what you do."

"I know. You do help me, though, you know. Even when you're not home. Do you know how many times I've met new people as a representative of our people and it turns out they already know you? That's never been a bad thing, either. You do half my diplomatic work for me without even meaning to."

"Think I'm best at doing things when I don't mean to. Not sure what kinda diplomat I'd be if that was my job."

"Maybe that's why it works so well?" Yore suggested. "Whenever I go somewhere, meet new people, they know I'm acting on behalf of my pack. Most people like me but there's always a bit of distance. I can't connect with people like you can."

Hamish gave Yore a pat on the shoulder.

"That's kinda sad, Yore."

"I think it's something I'd like to work on," Yore said. "Working with the human military was refreshing in that way. For once in my life, I wasn't representing anyone else. I was just myself or as much of myself as it was possible to be under the circumstances. I've let myself get worse with it these past years. I didn't expect to have a future. I've been living for things other than myself for a while now."

"Hmm," Simon said. "Is that going to be an issue for your relationship with Fanner?"

There was a boy with a body of ash and embers dancing in and out of the bonfire.

Libby caught his attention and waved him over.

"No," Yore said. "You know, when I first met him, I assumed I felt the way I did around him because I was keeping my status hidden. I could just be myself. And then I told him, and... nothing changed. Maybe it's just because he's an outsider and none of this means all that much to him or maybe it's just how he is. How I am when I'm around him."

"Aw," Hamish said. "You know, I never took you for a romantic. It's extremely unattractive but cute."

Libby was having a very intense conversation with the ash and fire boy.

Was he one of her potential prospects for stories?

Yore had considered telling the others about her plan but it was so complex that if word spread through the group, it would certainly get twisted and confused.

He would let the whole thing be Libby's problem until such time as he was needed.

Sometimes knowing when to step back was just as important as stepping forward.

He saw a glimmer from the corner of his eye and turned his head to see Lucas leading Fanner back towards him.

Yore hadn't had anything particular in mind when he'd asked Lucas to find Fanner something nicer to wear but Lucas had clearly taken the task seriously.

The long sleeved shirt and pants Fanner wore were almost completely white, something that drew attention to him in and of itself.

Only a mage, with the power to banish dirt and stains, could wear something that would show marks so easily.

The white was complemented by intricate gold patterning in the form of flowers that crept up and blossomed across the front of the shirt and down the sleeves.

Fanner sunk in against Yore's side as soon as he was close enough.

"Is this okay?"

"Do you like it?" Yore asked.

Fanner fidgeted.

"Well... maybe. They're nice clothes but maybe a little too nice? I'm more dressed up than most people here. I don't want anyone to think... I don't know. That I think I'm better than them."

"I wouldn't want anyone to think that of me, either but that doesn't mean I always dress and act the same as everyone else. Having someone to look up to, to draw hope and strength from, can be a powerful thing. Yes, we should be humble and fair but standing tall, being noticed... they're not always bad things."

"Well, I hope that's how people feel about it. I just hope nobody will make assumptions or misunderstand my intentions, especially in ways that might reflect badly on you."

"Oh, people will absolutely make assumptions," Lucas said. "About you being a mage, about you being an ex-slave. About you being an ex-Companion, if they know what that is. That's just part of life for us. Sometimes it works to our advantage, sometimes it's just fucking annoying but there's no way to just have it not happen."

"Ah..." Fanner said, looking down at his clothes with renewed uncertainty.

"My point wasn't that you should be even more insecure," Lucas said.

"My point was, well, fuck them. Don't cater to that bullshit. Be what you are or what you want to be seen as, and make everyone else do the work to figure it out."

"He's right," Yore added when Fanner shot him an uncertain glance.

"People can be quick to judge and slow to reconsider their views but you can't win the game by shaping yourself into something perfectly inoffensive. If you don't like the clothes, don't wear them but I hope you don't hide yourself away because you're afraid of taking up space or drawing attention to yourself. You're allowed to exist. You're allowed to take pride in yourself."

"Also, you look sharp as fuck," Hamish added.

Fanner clutched at Yore's arm but he was smiling.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

[icharchivist]

maybe were also in denial because I refuse to believe that percy is the only member of his family who isnt a freak. i cannot believe that this man is completely vanilla while his big bros are like that yknow. i simply refuse

WELL. WELL.

I mean the guy joined our crew over the idea that "wow MC you're so stupidly naive in your kindness. i need more people like that around me." He also almost got himself killed to protect people and let himself be beaten up to protect us. And he also didn't move an inch when he saw Lancelot chained up, just called him pathetic and was ready to leave the room had it not been for Vane saving him.

those aren't the action of a well adjusted man.

Also i'm personally inclined to think he's slightly possessive of MC due to that one time in the Bistro event where he tried to go hunting with MC just the two of them and he was so excited about it but Vane ended up helping out and he was SO MAD at Vane after that.

I think he's less overly a freak like his brothers in general, but i think it's overcompensation. Like "i can't act bad like my brothers, i have to be good" so he hypercompensate to be sure not to be like them on the point where they have issues. But that just means that this guy would have a hundred of dormant issues going on honestly, and who knows when they might blow up.

but i'm not the person to give a proper character dive about it because i'm totally unhinged about Percival and nip pick everything he does. So. well.

[13tattoo]

Hey, I'm the ex-jkker who found the busan moment sus 😁.

It wasn't that I found jk being serious, I don't think he was serious at all, but to bring that up at all...why? By your timeline, they should've been exes by then. Jkk haven't given ex energy. Maybe it's just me, I'm not saying that I expect them to be vengeful or anything to each other, but they just don't give that energy. I would be more inclined to believe that jkk was never a thing than exes who still act like they secretly like each other sometimes.

The way jm still acts with jk sometimes gives crush and the way jk can't stop smiling when watching jm context is.....well. And it's crazy because I was in jkk spaces, and I remember the photos of jk being with jm on the white day pic (the one everyone knows about) and in jeju. When jm was in Jeju at the end of 2021 with seungwon and saeon, jk was also there. So my thing is, why would jm bring his almost ex with him to a mini vacation with his friends. Again, I say, I would be more inclined to believe jm, and jk was never a thing to begin with. And also .following up with that, if they're having problems, why would jm bring him again with him to a restaurant with his friends and jk also bring one of his closest friends (eunwoo) with him. The same eunwoo who was together with jm at jhope's listening party. Wouldn't that seem weird? Cause I would be like, why the hell my friend being close with my ex?

Sorry 🙂, I went on for too long, i had more to say but i don't want to seems like I'm rambling, but it's just because I want logical people to talk to and not brainless fuckatards of jikookers. Just a damn disgrace. It's crazy how they came to this place that they're in. Maybe the larries of kpop were never tkkers but jkkers all along......that's a drag but it seems like it sometimes. They fell so far. I kind of feel bad for them sometimes 😕

hello!

i get what you mean. i don't think "ex energy" has to be a part of their dynamic, though (assuming they had a romantic relationship and then at some point ended it). if we were still getting as much content as we did in 2019 then yes, maybe a fight or a separation would be more obvious to us. but since 2020, and increasingly in 2021, the gaps between content got wider and wider (and after april 2022 it we'd go months without hearing from them at all, much less seeing them with each other). who knows how a potential relationship could have devolved in that time? particularly if their relationship wasn't traditional or firmly established, and there wasn't something concrete to end. and it wouldn't have to end on bad terms.

i don't really think that they way they act with each other now is particularly romantic at all, but we all have different impressions. i.e. when jimin was being affectionate with jungkook back in february during jungkook's lives, that was cute, but i could see jimin just acting like a doting and endeared hyung. "become strong and protect hyung" or whatever he said made me raise a brow but it's also not really out of character for jimin imo, and doesn't imply a sexual or romantic relationship for me. would he have said something like that to another dongsaeng? we have no point of comparison. same with jungkook — his reactions on live are cute and i think jimin is special to him, but i don't get the vibe others seem to... but i also recognize that this is subjective.

i do remember white day 2022 though, and yes that complicates my perception of km during that period lol. but jungkook didn't go to jeju in december 2021 with jimin; if i remember correctly that was just jimin, saeon, and another non-celeb friend. i'm not sure that eunwoo was there specifically with jimin and his friends either (but it doesn't make much of a difference to me in the grand scheme of things)

please don't apologize, i didn't mind! i'm sorry about the current jikooker circles i agree they are insane and an embarrassment </3 nothing good came from people calling themselves "jikook supporters" instead of just shippers lol

[gumilac]

you're not one to ask for things and, you've never really gotten around it.

even if people ask you if you wanted anything, you'd always refuse, saying you were okay and it's fine. you couldn't bring yourself to ask for the things you wanted because it makes you feel guilty— of course, there isn't anything wrong with asking for what you want to begin with but you just find it so difficult to do.

"are you okay?"

megumi's voice pulls you out from your trance— he's noticed how you're picking at your food and how earlier, your eyes would linger on certain stores— looking up you're met with eyes as dark as the pacific observing you.

5 hours ago, the raven-haired boy asked if you could accompany him to run errands, and maybe gojo's too. you said yes, not really wanting to refuse his offer because you're his friend (well, your crush too) so, here you are seated in front of him.

"yeah, what's up?"

"you've been picking on your food," he taps your plate. "do you not like it? want to order any–"

"no!" you wave your hands in dismissal, cutting him off. "i'm okay, not really hungry."

he isn't convinced but lets it slide for now. he has some inclination as to why you're acting this way but, he wants you to say it to him. he leans back on his chair and pulls out his wallet, fishing out a few paper bills to pay the check. he calls the waiter and pays for the food before turning back his attention to you.

"do you wanna go somewhere else? look at some stores, before we leave?"

that's a tempting offer but you have to decline.

"no i'm good," you smile at him and he raises one brow, making you shift uncomfortably on your seat.

"sure?" he asks, not breaking eye contact. you nod your head and gave him a thumbs up— he's not easily fooled with your antics because he knows what you want. megumi has always been the observant type so, nothing really gets overlooked by the boy, especially when it comes to you— he sighs and crosses his arms over his chest as he watches your eyes dart around the restaurant, avoiding his gaze. he calls out your name and it makes you slowly look at him.

"i don't believe you," he finally says, and you press your lips together.

play it cool.

"i dont know what you're talking about," you retort. he says your name again, albeit sternly this time and his arms are now leaning on the table, making the gap between you a little smaller.

"we're not leaving until you tell me."

furrowing your brows at him, he takes a sip of water and he watches you gnaw on your bottom lip— how could you possibly say it to him? i mean, you were only supposed to do megumi's errands so why should you add to it?

he looks down and sighs as if he could read your mind— at this point you wouldn't even be surprised if it was true with how he seemingly knows everything.

"look, if you want anything, tell me."

he raises his head up to meet your eyes, and as you look at him, there's nothing but sincerity in them. eyes that seem unbearably cold like the deepest parts of the ocean, but is actually like a warm comforting hug of a damp forest whenever he looks at you.

"it's okay to ask," his voiced is laced with so much honesty, and devoid of any spite. it makes you feel more comfortable so you cave in. playing with you fingers, you look down and mumbled under your breath.

"c-can i buy clothes?" you ask, voice soft and drowned out by the idle chatter the other customers are having, you were sure he didn't hear it but he proves you wrong when he affectionately nudges your chin with his pointer finger, making you look at him. there's a ghost of a smile on his face as he tells you;

"of course we can," he pauses. "anything else?"

his deep but sweet voice that never seems to fail at making you feel at ease, pushes you to open up and relax in his presence. you tilt your head, glancing up at him through your lashes before asking.

"shoes too?"

he gives you a small smile, and he feels very proud of you for being brave enough to tell him.

"sure thing."

he gets up from his seat and you follow suit, leaving the restaurant. he opens the door for you and guides you to the middle of the plaza. megumi turns his whole body to face you, making you look at him with curiosity. he leans down to press a chaste kiss on your forehead and he mumbles against your skin.

"don't hesitate, alright?"

the gesture makes you go haywire, your brain unable to form coherent thoughts— you're probably hotter than the scorching sun during summer, maybe even redder that a ripe tomato. and, just as if the kiss wasn't enough, he stands up to his full height and grabs your hand, rubbing your soft skin with his thumb.

"now," he asks, and you look at him, only to be met with megumi's pretty face already grinning at you. there's a handsome smile that graced itself on his features, one where he shows his pretty white teeth and there's a faint blush on his cheeks as he asks you;

"where are we gonna start?"

[pottergerms]

Hi, I saw your post about "mourning" the HP series. I feel like lots of fans feel the same way, and I'm very sorry. But I see also a bright side over all the JK Rowling controversy. I'm a trans woman, I'm a writer (somewhat) and HP was one of the books I'd read when young that inspired me to be a writer. Yes, I am angry and hurt by JK and her transphobic ideas, but I don't mourn HP because I don't think HP belongs to Rowling ever since the moment she decided to publish it. Yes, I'm aware of the huge forture she earns and will continue to earn from it, yet I believe that "publishing" means "take to the public/to the people". We are the public.

Karl Marx said something (I won't remember where) that "once an idea is spoken out loud it doesn't belong to the one who said it anymore". Of course he was talking about the political movements that his ideas inspired in Russia, But I think he was right. About any and every idea.

People saying to "leave the fandom", or "read other books", are very simplistic. I went to Malaga and visited the Pablo Picasso Institution fully knowing Pablo Picasso was a sexist pig and a women abuser - and okay, maybe I wouldn't have done if he was alive and profiting from it - but what I mean is: I did not feel conflicted about enjoying his paintings, because for me it was more important to me how ~I~ felt about them, than what they were supposed to mean by the painter. I do the same about HP now.

I ask everyone: don't leave. No, The Harry Potter fandom always been an expert on not giving two shits about JK. Fanfiction has always been an act of freedom and rebellion. Why are people feeling less inclined to write / read fanfics now that JK is openly a bitch? It should be the other way around, no?

Write as many HP characters as possible as trans! Make it be the answer to the bigotry coming from the author mentioned in the disclamer!

When I was young, I always related to Draco Malfoy and I was ashamed to say he was my favourite character. But I couldn't help it. I also did go to a private school, I also felt like I need to be the best to impress my parents, I was a meanie, I was closeted (I always read Draco as a closeted gay kid) and I also came from a somewhat rich background. And my mother also spoke french.

I used to read lots of mpreg Drarry fanfics, mostly the ones with pregnant Draco. I didn't know yet why that concept of a man getting pregnant, the gender-swap and the (sometimes awful) feminization of my favourite character, fascinated me. Years later... Ta-da! I'm trans.

I am still very much in love with this fandom. And now, I have the pleasure to watch it's creator die of hatred for what she has created, because somehow, in a way, it created me.

I am speechless by this. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing all of that 🥺

I don’t have much to add because your experiences are yours 💛 but I want to share that I’ve also related to Draco for this reason… and being out as bisexual really did change my life. I would not have done it without this fandom, and without fanfiction especially.

JKR is the fucking worst, but I agree that we took Harry Potter from her a long time ago, even before her Twitter account. We always knew she wasn’t good enough to own its canon.

[bibiana112]

Do you like aoilight and what are the reasons? I think the ship is cool but I guess I never thought about the DEPTH of it

I do! Yeeeh, okay it's mostly thanks to ship osmosis from friend @blue-bird-lamentation whomst I hope is okay with being tagged here, I'm hoping maybe you'll like to read me rambling about them a bit :3 Cause I also didn't quite get it, I'm not big into shipping in on itself you see, I usually have to be very invested on the characters separately first to even have the slightest bit of a chance to potentially get into the ship lol, so I asked her what she liked about it and ended up vibing a lot with imagining them together!

To the point where I have my own headcanons now, so I tried my best to organize the base reasoning of it and my silly thoughts cohesively enough for it to hopefully make sense to you cause, yeah, there's a lot of depth to these thoughts •w•'''

Okay first of all here's the disclaimer that, I just think, if we ignore vlr and ztd, which I like to do often, then the situation of them catching feelings could just be kind of funny? In the sense that I like to think Junpei and the Fields stay friends so Clover has not one but two dumbasses who want to find their kidnappers because they wanna date them lmao Difference is Light wouldn't put his life on hold like Junpei does, obviously, and he wouldn't put up with disrespect either, but they're still keeping in contact as Junpei does his detective thing and Clover is still on her brother's case for even thinking of giving the pulls up notes arrogant, uncooperative young man, a chance lol

Okay I guess this segues into the thing about why Light would even entertain the thought in the first place, well, I've seen the point that he cares about Clover too much to be empathetic to what the Kurashikis do, since sure the parallels are there and he probably knows in some level he'd go the same lengths for Clover's sake but at the end of the day that isn't what happened, it's simply not how everything played out so he'd full on resent them, but My counterargument there is that I interpret Light to be exactly the type of person who would give weight to what ifs like that, I think he would be more than aware that he doesn't want to be judging them much when he'd hope for that very benefit of the doubt had the same situation befallen him, Clover on the other hand wouldn't feel that way at all, she would also understand why they did it and doesn't have any gripes with it morally per say but the experience is just too emotionally harmful on her end for her to let it go despite feeling a kinship with them for having been victims of the first game too, so there's the slightest bit of conflict there on the sense that she's clearly not going to feel safe if he just goes out with Aoi or something

But also, what I especially think would make him the Most inclined to forgive them and believe they're decent people outside of the bad things they were forced to do was because he was so close to them when the whole thing first happened to begin with, plus he was in the coffin from very early on up to only after the fake hostage situation even happened the second time around so he wouldn't have witnessed the uglier parts of their act or felt lied to for nine hours straight, most of the interactions he'd have had with either Kurashiki up to the point where the game is done would still be from when they were little and even then they would not be too many so I honestly think the impression of the experience on him overall would just be leaving him curious, he was one of the older kids too and had a better grasp of what was done to them so he also probably kept an actual grudge against those cradle guys so while people are like uh that was kind of fucked up but I get it Light's just internally going lmao get got

What I've noticed is always different depending on who you ask is how the Kurashikis end up settling down enough and being able to be contacted again for them to possibly get together? I mean, that's when there even is a logic to that point instead of just the vague notion of Aoi is chill now he can just go visit his boyfriend no prob, which is fine too lol, I just realized there's not much of a consensus here and many alternatives instead, I personally like to think of the Kurashikis just being kind of generally on the run and it's a long while before Junpei finds them and junepei gets a lot of time together before the Fields even ease into sharing a room with those two again Junpei talks them into it eventually and like I said it's not that Light doesn't want to he's just more preoccupied with respecting how Clover feels and she wouldn't let him go there alone at first even with Junpei and much less otherwise so it takes forever And another good one is the Fields just bumping into Aoi at complete random and him nervously being like oh shit and noping out of there while they're like NO NO YOU COME BACK AND GIVE US SOME ANSWERS

So okay, getting into the actual reasons peeps thing their dynamic is cute now, there is the bookmark thing, love bringing that one up, like regardless of how truthful Santa's being when ranting about disliking the leaf words Aoi still kept it, through all those years he still had it close and even if he only does it because Akane let's him know they'll need it he'd have the reminder there. I think he put a lot of thought into their circumstances and probably ended up interpreting the words in his own way, but one of the thoughts I imagine crossed his mind at some point must have been how genuine those words were and how kind of a thing for that kid to do it was and how he can literally not imagine being that way himself, like, he's impressed at and thankful for how well Light handled the situation even years after drawing the short end of the stick as far as any luck that he promised them was concerned. I like to think Light was at least there for him on the immediate aftermath of Akane's death too, because he'd be a mess and all the other kids would be too confused or too young to try and comfort him even a little and I love Seven but even if he wasn't busy I don't think he would have done a great job at that even taking out of the equation that'd he'd just be more receptive to someone his own age trying to get through to him in such a state because like, personally I can't imagine tiny Light Not trying his best after witnessing all that, he probably doesn't think about it as often as Aoi does but if he remembers Akane dying he probably remembers trying stay by Aoi's side as much as possible as soon as they all got to shore, he probably wondered for a good while how that kid that lost his sister was doing (he's doing bad) which, it's interesting to think he probably had to work through not having closure for that and not letting it drag down moving his own life forward but Aoi had probably the opposite, something like being aware that the guy is probably doing fine and feeling guilty over having to drag him back into all this, and like, the reason they barely interact in the game proper is very much part of the plan so I like to think part of Aoi actively wants to avoid him out of all that guilt while the other wants to avoid him because it's burdening him with unnecessary feelings LMAO pretty sure in the last scene with everyone in the incinerator Aoi straight up ignores the Fields (and Hazuki) altogether because of course he needs laser focus at that point and at the start of the game they only have the very brief exchange of Light suddenly laughing at something Aoi said in a very serious tone which results in the best delivered "What the fuck?" in history lmao the mocking "Oh I'm sorry, you just sounded so confident" is so entertaining to me I imagine Aoi just blanks on how to react there, since he was talking about how the doors work I can see that being an instance of Light catching onto the act pretty instantly too

Their personalities just generally mesh quite well too if you ask me, with Aoi being emotional but practical minded and shit at working through feelings and Light being very smart and rational but also on the creative field and with some actual honest to god bare minimum emotional intelligence! Which I think neither of the Kurashikis has ever even heard of! It's very entertaining to imagine Light being super artsy about stuff to his stockbroker boyfriend who hasn't so much as laid eyes on a creative activity since he was like eight but who is going along with it just to gawk at and listen to his partner and I like to think he forces Aoi to get a hobby too, idk what, just something not related to him being a provider/caretaker and that isn't self-destructive would be good for a change of pace

I like to imagine Aoi being an apologetic mess upon first contact outside of a death game but that being in any kind of relationship, hell even just any honest conversation, is still off limits for him for a looong while and difficult and he just keeps acting tough at anytime vulnerability is asked of him but Light not only enjoys pushing his buttons but also if Aoi gets really rude he just isn't phased and has a comeback on the ready of something along the lines of "if you wanted to kill me you already had the chance so I'm sure you're exaggerating" which shuts him up everytime

I think Aoi would have it on the back of his head that Light's very pretty at first and after spending some normal time with him he'd just slowly unravel his thoughts and quietly realize that he didn't have time to think about it that way before but back when Light did the whole leaf words thing he was so cool and reliable and just so positive Aoi can barely conceptualize "positive" at all by himself but Light just thought of all of that up so easily and said it so sincerely that it calmed down a whole group and he still feels some of that positivity and reassurance when he's with him now even if he speaks in layers of sarcasm and cynicism nowadays he's still so sure of who he is and is always assertive and I think he'd just generally be amazed by how Light manages to thrive despite not being your picture book lucky or "normal" guy either and that whole realization would be something he frankly cannot entirely process what to do with meanwhile Light would just be like Yes I am great <3

Okay but lmao I imagine that from Light's pov then there's how like, during the game he is the most onto their act from the start, it almost feels like if he was allowed to interact more with the two he'd have figured it all out and Uchikoshi has said how much Light ever knew was supposed to be kind of ambiguous too, I mean he did obscure some stuff written in his note up until the end, he very much is a secretive person, and no one there aside from him and the Kurashikis know what that note fully said for sure, and I like to think this dynamic would translate into Aoi not being able to deflect or put on an act with him around because the way Light perceives things is just different and it means he's attentive to certain details instead of focusing on more general things that fool other people, so much so that he just catches him trying to bullshit his way out of uncomfortable situations before he can even try, and most importantly he's a smartass that likes to figure things out before everyone else so I basically think Light would be super curious about what Aoi's really like after all those years, like I really imagine the initial attraction there for him really is on the basis of "oh there is so much going on with you I want to study that" and also it's so funny to me to imahine he'd have a bit of a he could make me worse <3 mindset too but mostly the dynamic is yes you're off-putting but you've charmed me can I study you kadjksjs

I think a very interesting part of all this is that they'd still have to pull a lot of weight for a relationship to work, a lot of trauma that they'd have to work through alongside each other and a willingness to change up some attitudes, junepei is like that in theory too but I personally can't imagine Akane being able to compromise or Junpei to stop making excuses for her for it to ever quite get to an entirely healthy place meanwhile I think aoilight does have the possibility to be that eventually so that's a big part of why I like it, for me it's easier to imagine some healing going on with them and I just want good things for Aoi y'know, especially cause genuinely talking to more than one person on the regular would be really good for him imo <3 I also love love love the idea of him and Phi being platonic besties but like I said I'm ignoring all of that and my brain unfortunately doesn't compute both of these being able to happen in like the same timeline so rip and I straight up just don't believe he'd even give a shot at an actual relationship with anyone outside of this whole mess just because he would 1) be way too marked by the experience to connect at more than surface level with someone who is unaware of it 2) definitely not open up about it to anyone new though like never ever like not even under oath, so yeah and then he'd figure there'd be so much work with setting boundaries and just general trust and honesty that I think he'd probably want to just run off at some point and Akane would have to knock sense into him but it works out I imagine she does briefly try to walk on her and Junpei's wedding too but that also works out dw

Also to reiterate, I only imagine all this stuff without the sequels happening, I personally can't wrap my head around them ever possibly being a thing™ after the Kurashikis kidnap Clover a second time, or even just having anything else to take care of after saving Akane at all since at that point I don't think there's salvaging any trust between them and all the innocent parties involved in the nonary games, Clover reminisces in vlr that they did what they had to in a surprisingly understanding way so I like to think that attitude towards them would remain as long as they actually didn't do anything else fucked up like that afterwards, but what do I know, people have SOIS and Crash Keys end up being cooperative somehow all the time so maybe there's something to it there too, I've seen a lot of AUs where they end up as co-workers and even one where Light's like a double agent or something I dunno didn't actually look into that one but it's out there! Along with many different highly specific scenarios! Idk!

Also sibling shenanigans you know I love those and it is hilarious to me to think of Clover being just as aggressive towards Aoi as he is towards Junpei, the "break my siblings heart and you're dead <3" energy just irradiates off these people, meanwhile Light and Akane actually get along and act civilized around each other, tbh I imagine Akane just nodding along without even paying full attention to what her brother's saying and then just plainly telling him that yeah no you two definitely have my blessings I think he can fix you, which I mean, she could have at least pretended she meant it as a joke but no lmao

Okay! So! I think that's all I have here to share akshjs hope it's good food for thought I can understand how it can look like it's just putting them together for no good reason but also take into consideration that the cast is relatively small y'know? Especially with these two only appearing in the first game and like, I'm not the kind of person who absolutely needs to find every character a match but I can see how that'd make people gravitate to this one

[pack-the-pack]

My (likely) unpopular opnions on Mo Dao Zu Shi.

So I finished the novel, and I'll be only talking about the novel and the novel alone, not taking into consideration any of the other iterations, simply because I didn't finish any of them. This is also just my opinion and because I can't keep my thoughts to myself, so try to not take it too seriously.

!ALSO HAS SPOILERS!

1- Jin Guangyao is my favourite and I love him, I don't care what anyone has to say. I believe almost everything he said in the Guanyin temple, maybe aside from whether his child was conceived before or after he married Qin Su. But I'm inclined to believe him on that too rather than to doubt, because he really didn't seem like he liked causing harm unless he saw it as strictly necessary.

2- That said, that's mostly just going by the book. Idk how canon we're supposed to take the extras to be, but if they're indeed meant to be canon, the extra by the name of "Villainous Friend" kind of makes my love for him waver a bit. But I understand his position, he was ordered by his dad, so refusing or leaving the job half done would probably be bad for him. But dude... He could have spared some mercy for the children (but maybe that'd be a bad idea, having living proof that a grudge fuels insanity and bloodlust sitting right beside him in the form of Xue Yang. So he probably did it as insurance).

3- I still love him tho. And I still love XiYao and want a lot of fix-it fics now :((

4- Jin Guanshan died the death he deserved and A-Yao was 100% right to do it. Everyone that was like "but he was your father" in the novel can go suck a dick cause it's easy judging when you're not in his position. That goes for everything he does actually.

5- I was a bit confused about Xue Yang's end? Like did he die or not? Cause it seemed like he just lost his arm and was a bit hurt and then was swept away. If he didn't die what happened to him? We never get a follow up on that. Did I read it wrong or did he really just got yeeted out of the story never to be seen again? Idk seemed a bit weird.

5.5- I also love Yi City arc, but it makes me a bit confused on what was the point of it? It seems like it could have been skipped entirely and not much would have changed.

6- I'm not entirely sure that Wei Wuxian was actually gay or even bi for LWJ in his first life. You can boo me all you want, but I don't think there's enough information to draw a conclusion here. He could have just been really determined to bother Lan Wangji and make friends with him just because he posed a challenge, given he got rejected all the time. It wasn't really too different from his behaviour with MianMian. Just saying, reincarnation could have very well made him sort of gay, or well gayER.

7- Zizhen didn't have enough scenes, he should have appeared more and have been on those night hunts in the extras.

8- Talking about the juniors, I know a lot of people ship Jin Ling with Sizhui, and a lot of people ship Sizhui and Jinyi, and then Jinyi with Jin Ling. I say we forgo that and just throw my boy Zizhen in the mix and make them all date together. A couple of four. This way everyone gets 3 cute boyfriends. No need to choose.

9- Some of y'all be acting like the incense burner chapters killed your dog and shot your parents. Chill out. They're intense and not everyone's cup of tea, but in their essence there's nothing really wrong with them. It's clearly just two married people who trust each other pushing the bounds of their fantasies and kinks IN THEIR FUCKING DREAMS! And it isn't like they aren't both into what they're doing. Wei Wuxian is more than enthusiastic. There is like one little mishap that happens at the end of the last chapter, a matter of miscommunication and kink-negotiation mishandling, but it's solved right after it happens! Calling it true non-con is a stretch and a bit unforgiving don't you think?

10- I still don't get why Yanli was at Nightless City. She had abstained from pretty much being part of anything like that the whole book. Why all of a sudden go to Nightless City? What could she have done there? Seems a bit convenient.

11- Talking about convenient, what was that throw away line on the explanation of how Wei Wuxian started cultivating the demonic path? He just found a book???? Conveniently like that? No further explanation needed? What?

12- Nie Minjue was a self-righteous hypocritical asshole.

13- Nie Huaisang is not that much better than Jin Guangyao. He used people and did terrible things, even willing to sacrifice teenagers, just to achieve his goal.

14- There is no justice in this book. Not really. Everyone does selfish things (maybe aside from Lan Xichen, the saint) to achieve their own goals and always think themselves to be justified in their actions. To only see Jin Guangyao's crimes as bad is to ignore that everyone did bad, selfish, detrimental things. The people that got a happy ending or a bad ending didn't get them because they deserved it or due to justice. They just got it. Like Xue Yang says "there's no why, sometimes things just happen".

15- Chengmei is far too cute of a name for Xue Yang.

16- Everyone shits on Jin Guangyao, but he was legitimately a good chief cultivator. While the sects generally saw themselves as above helping on insignificant matters, he went and made projects to help the common people. He also worked hard to maintain his sect in line with an ideal of nobleness and discipline as shown by how Jin Ling says in the extras that when he was sect leader no one would be so quick to take a bribe.

17- A-Yao was ambitious, clever, hard working and yes he did love people too. He's not just bad. He had all the odds stacked against him, and even so, at least momentarily, he overcame all of it. Whether his means were justified or not is another story entirely.

18- Wei Wuxian wasn't really a great caretaker of A-Yuan. He was kind of mean and careless. He obviously didn't do it with ill intention, but he's just not the best baby sitter.

19- I don't hate Jiang Cheng for his mean remarks and hatred for Wei Wuxian and his relationship with Lan Wangji. He's just kind of stupid and emotionally constipated. He's not bad, he's just a bit ignorant. And you have to remember that these are their society's norms. He's acting in line with what he was taught.

20- Wen Qing had such a minor role in the story overall. She should have been used more.

21- Wei Wuxian is many times kind of mean to Wen Ning even tho he's so selfless and doing everything he can to protect and respect him. I don't mean it all the time, but he could be kinder to him. Wen Ning in general always gets the short end of the stick and the worse treatment undeservedly.

22- Gusu Lan could have held a little secret cerimony to officially marry wangxian and officially accepted them as cultivation partners. It would have been specially meaningful because Lan Qiren would have sort of being communicating that his Nephew's happiness holds more value to him than his hatred for Wei Wuxian and the upkeeping of sect rules and appearances. I know it's unrealistic but man it would've been nice to see.

That's it. And yea I know this is mostly me just trying to defend my A-Yao, but I regret nothing. Y'all can throw stones and boo, be my guest. This is just my opinion anyway, so you don't have to take it seriously or give a crap about it.

[swordlesbean]

rewatching the first 3 eps is kinda frustrating at how much Adora does NOT think about Catra covering for her not even once while she's playing around in beds, plays pinata, eats good food etc, she's gone for days and like Catra says later didn't even think she was taking the fall for her damn. and didn't even spare a glance at Catra while celebrating with her new driends at selinas

This is actually something I've wanted to talk about for a long time, so thanks for giving me an excuse to finally do it! I think when people are annoyed with Adora for supposedly not thinking about Catra in early s1, they aren't giving full consideration to Adora's perspective during that time period. She's, uh... dealing with a lot, to say the least. There's been a fair amount of analysis about Catra's perspective during this time, but not nearly as much about Adora's. I will try to remedy that here, in my typically long-winded way.

Let's take it from the beginning. Adora touches a mysterious sword in the woods that gives her visions and makes her black out. She’s still having these visions and hearing voices when she’s back home, so she sneaks out at night to find the sword again because she wants answers. Reasonable. She plans to be back by morning, but she asks Catra to stay behind because she doesn't want Catra getting in trouble on her behalf in case something goes wrong. Also reasonable. Boom, nothing goes according to her plan, and everything goes wrong.

Adora finds the sword, but runs into Rebellion soldiers. She tries to fight them for the sword, but when she touches it, she has another vision and blacks out again. She wakes up with her hands tied, a prisoner. She bides her time instead of trying to escape because she still wants the sword. During this time, she's told information that conflicts with what she knows about the Horde, and oh yeah, she somehow randomly transforms into an 8-foot-tall legendary warrior princess. Then she and her captors get chased by a giant spider to an abandoned temple, which she’s able to open because she can apparently read a long-dead language, but then they’re trapped in the ruins.

Once they get out, she’s no longer being held captive, so she can now go back to the Horde. But she needs answers and decides to go to Bright Moon so someone can give her an explanation for all this crazy shit happening to her. At this point, is she thinking about Catra and what might be happening back home? No. But frankly, there is a lot on her plate! Like, life changing stuff. She can turn into a princess! But princesses are evil and the enemy! But this angry sparkly princess and nice archer guy are saying the Horde are actually the bad guys? What is going on? What is she?

Adora still intends to go back to the Horde, but she feels she can't do that until she gets more intel about what happening to her and what it means. She’s always wanted to know more about where she came from. This may be her only chance. And even though her overprotective streak sometimes makes Catra think she feels otherwise, Adora absolutely believes in Catra and knows she's smart and resourceful and can handle herself, so it doesn't occur to Adora that there's reason to worry.

Then Thaymor happens. They stop there for transportation, but Bow insists they stay for the party because he realizes Adora's life has been utterly depressing, and he wants her to experience something nice. I think it's pretty harsh to hold it against Adora that she gets excited and awed and distracted by encountering a party and eating good food for the very first time in her life ever. Can the girl please be allowed to live a little? Like, she's an anxious, guilt-ridden, duty-burdened mess 90% of the time, so let's maybe not blame her for having a good time for once.

That good time is pretty quickly ruined anyway. Reality ensues. The Horde ensues. Catra ensues. But even as Thaymor is attacked, Adora thinks it's a mistake. It's bad intel; she just has to explain, and the Horde will stop. It's only when she comes face to face with Catra that she understands the truth about the Horde and makes her decision to leave. Let’s be clear on this: Adora doesn't just leave the Horde without any consideration for Catra. Catra isn’t an afterthought here, she is literally standing right in front of Adora when Adora makes her decision.

Thaymor from Adora's perspective is finding out that her whole life has been a lie and that she doesn't know her best friend as well as she thought. What Adora sees is Catra being part of an attack on defenseless people and seeming to have zero concern or regret about it. What she perceives is Catra refusing to join the good guys and choosing to remain part of a lying, destructive army despite the truth of a burning village in front of them. What she feels is Catra disregarding her decision to leave and tasing her in the back as she tries to walk away.

It's important to remember that in this moment, Adora feels betrayed by Catra as much as Catra feels betrayed by Adora. People always talk about Adora breaking their promise by choosing to leave, but Catra breaks it too by choosing to stay. They both make decisions that hurt the other, and they both feel abandoned.

So that's what Adora is carrying with her in regards to Catra in early s1. She's internalized this betrayal, these hurt feelings, but she's also really trying not to let herself feel any of it. Not just because it hurts, but because it’s what she’s been taught to do. She’s well-practiced in denying herself, denying her pain and her wants and needs. This trait of hers is given specific attention in s5, but it's a necessary lens to view Adora through in every season. She won't ever put herself and her feelings first. She doesn't think she's allowed to be weak, to feel hurt and express that hurt, not when more important things are at stake. Shadow Weaver always said her feelings for Catra were a problem, and for the first time, Adora agrees, so she tries not to feel them.

She can also avoid thinking about Catra because she has so much to distract her. Catra is still in the Horde, surrounded by reminders of Adora, so it's impossible for her not to think of Adora. But Adora's situation is different. She's in a new environment, suddenly overwhelmed by a huge destiny and all these new experiences and stimuli and social dynamics she has never experienced in her life. So she puts all of her attention into learning the rules and expectations of this new life. She hyperfocuses on her duty as She-Ra.

That doesn't mean there aren't reminders of the past. Adora doesn't feel comfortable sleeping alone, and the clear implication is that she can't sleep without Catra. She isn't "playing around in beds," she just has no idea what to make of a soft bed because she's used to austere conditions. And she's certainly not able to forget what the Horde represents to the people she's now living with. She gets run out of Bright Moon because of the Horde symbol on her back, and she receives a thinly veiled threat from Angella in front of Micah's portrait. She doesn't feel secure in her place in the Rebellion, so she's definitely not going to talk about missing anything or anyone from the Horde, however much of it she actually lets herself feel.

Salineas is the first time Adora encounters Catra after Thaymor, and the wounds from that confrontation are still fresh. She asked Catra to come with her then, but all it got her was a taser to the back, so she's not feeling too charitable towards Catra and isn't keen on reaching out again. She's completely in She-Ra duty mode, trying to restore the Sea Gate to protect the kingdom from the Horde. But then, Catra isn't making real efforts to try and bridge the gap between them either. In fact, from Adora’s perspective, she appears to be perfectly happy widening it. 

While Adora is fixing the gate, she’s getting hit with electric feedback and also can't risk moving or fighting back, but that doesn’t stop Catra from lashing out at her. Catra mocks, scratches, punches. Even when she softens up a bit, she talks like Adora is just going through a phase. She's trying to convince Adora to come back to the Horde, but in the same way Adora wasn’t thinking about what Catra might face by covering for her while she was away, Catra’s not thinking about what it would actually mean for Adora to come back, the terrible consequences she would face as a defector.

Adora knows she can’t go back to the Horde, not just because of her morals, but also because it’s too late to do so without something bad happening to her. So she wonders, if Catra cares about her, why would she want to bring her back to that? If Catra cares about her, why won’t she just leave the Horde and come with Adora? Adora can't see into Catra's mind, so she doesn't know the underlying motivations and feelings driving her behavior. And Adora’s never really had the "you hurt me, so I'll hurt you back" impulse, so she’s more inclined to read Catra's aggressive actions towards her as a sign that Catra maybe doesn’t care about her as much as she once thought.

After Salineas, things continue to heat up between them during Princess Prom. This time Adora is highly confrontational towards Catra. She fully believes Catra is planning something bad, and she's absolutely right, though she still tries to save Catra's life when they fall off the cliff. That act doesn't seem to matter to Catra, and she ups the ante and hurts Adora worse then ever by taking Glimmer and Bow as hostages. 

Adora finally softens towards Catra when Catra returns the sword and let's her and Glimmer escape the Fight Zone. Up until that moment, Adora isn't sure that Catra still cares, but this is confirmation for her. The next time they meet, Adora makes a real effort to reach out, and she again asks Catra to leave the Horde. And they actually do start reconnecting a little, until Light Hope plays on Catra's insecurities with those memory simulations, in an attempt to drive them apart and get Adora to let go of Catra in the same way Shadow Weaver always wanted her to. 

And it does successfully drive them further apart and is the true beginning of Catra’s descent into villainous self-destruction and reality-destroying levels of resentment towards Adora. But what it doesn’t do is get Adora to let go of Catra. Because it doesn't matter what Light Hope and Shadow Weaver and even Catra say or do, Adora never can let go. She does eventually let go of the idea that she's the one responsible for Catra's actions, and she puts up boundaries and becomes harder towards Catra. But she never truly gives up on her or stops caring about her, even when Catra is at her most destructive and spiteful and personally hurtful towards Adora. 

But then, Adora letting go of her feelings for Catra wasn't ever the solution anyway. Because She-Ra's power comes from love, and Catra is the first person Adora loved, and the person she loves the most deeply. So Adora as She-Ra is at her most powerful when she's loving Catra and doing it without conflict, either between the two of them or within Adora herself.