#maybe i dont even want a phd...........

[le-fruit-de-la-passion]

if the finals dont kill me I'll kill myself for the finals. why am I in academia. why am i here.

[tchaikovskym]

today's mantra is not all my ideas are stupid not all my ideas are stupid not all my ideas are stupid

[cloudstongue]

i’m not scared of you!

- anon that tried to kill box

be scared….

[liinos]

It makes me fucking insane how grad programs are like oh did you not go immediately into a masters? Well you better have a good reason why or we might not think you deserve to get one bc you're not committed 🤭 omg you didn't cure cancer or solve world inequality before applying? Don't even look in our direction 🤮 it's so great you want to further your education it would really be a shame if we made it as hard as possible 👉👈

[kurokmask]

work is slow after the holidys so ive spent my shifts coming up w a thee terror coffee shop au LMFAOOOOO these here are the uniforms!

general au information under the cut: (keep in mind this is 80% a joke)

takes place in northern Canada, modern day

bougie, expensive ass coffee. very tacky nautical theming. better than starbucks, but not worth 7.50 CAD for a medium black coffee

customer base is mostly pretentious white ppl that dont mind spending money on overpriced shit. many regulars formed personal relationships with Franklin when he first opened the cafe

FRANKLIN: store owner. created Terrebus Coffee after leaving the navy in 2008. DIES. turns out the cafe was in extreme debt and was barely making a profit the entire time it was open, and was in the red by the time he died. hid how bad everything was from the staff (crozier and fitzjames knew some stuff, but not everything)

CROZIER: 51. store manager who was (shockingly) promoted to store owner in Franklin's death. uncovers the true state of the cafe. been in coffee since the 90's. has worked at terrebus for 7 years. (sophy got him the job!) stressedddd. whiskey in his (3 sugar) black coffee. trans man who transitioned after leaving the navy in in 2001. lets his employees yell at rude customers.

FITZJAMES: 35. family friend of the Franklins. in marketing. token cafe transfem who's keeping the fckin shit locked DOWNNN (started transitioning 2 years earlier). was hired as a co-store manager without Crozier's knowledge, despite having limited experience actually managing a real cafe. you can image how he reacted.

HICKEY: barista. takes smoke breaks every 30 minutes. always has to do drains/floors. ends up getting loudly fired by Crozier in front of everyone and spends the rest of his time trying to bring the business down. totally sets up a rival coffee van in the parking lot that's just him and a keurig

SILNA: goes there bc she doesn't know anyone there, and she can get her work done. most the time she brings her own food and uses their hot water to brew her own tea bc shes not paying all that money. she ends up befriending goodsir and crozier who give her free stuff all the time.

TOZER AND GIBSON: Hickey's inner polycule feeding him insider information/executing his plans of sabotage

SOPHIA: Crozier's ex girlfriend that he's still whipped for. they dated on n off in the 2010's, before she broke up w him for good in 2018. they just went different places in their careers. as said before, got him the job w franklin as her last favor to him. currently working her 2nd PHD. moves back to deal with Franklin's death; Crozier tries to start things back up with her. he wants her to wait for him to leave, he'll do it this time, he swears-- "i don't wait for anyone, anymore, francis."

SHIFT LEADS: Little, Jirving, Hodge, Gore (quits early on), Dundy, Blanky (immediately promoted by Crozier), Jopson (promoted by Crozier, later)

BARISTAS: Hickey (eventually fired), Gibson, Collins, Tozer, Goodsir, Peglar, Hartnell, your favorite white boy i didn't mention but don't worry he's definitely here

REGULARS: Silna, Bridgens, Stanley (always orders an extra dry cappuccino and complains every single time that its not dry enough even though its already 90% foam and its a fucknig rush and he INSISTS on it being remade sorry maybe im projecting) other white boys you want there

ASSORTED PLOT DETAILS:

show "deaths" are now firings/quitting/injuries/ect.

before franklin died, he and crozier got in a huge fight, where crozier threatened to quit. (he did this often, but this time franklin sounded serious about holding him to that.) fitzjames, dundy, hickey, and jopson overheard.

fitzjames got the job after getting let go (gasp) from a cushy marketing job and needed something to fill space while she looked for a second job... how's that going, jamie?

the cafe grew a reputation as being hostile/unfriendly after franklin's death bc crozier was not afraid to yell at customers/kick people out for being rude. turned off amny previous regulars. this infuriates fitzjames "you're ruining our reputation!" "i don't care about the opinions of people who'd pay 7.50 for dishwater."

when crozier goes on leave for treatment, fitzjames becomes store manager

bottle episode where the closing crew get snowed in overnight. hickey is there and he has a knife

franklin never knew crozier was trans. he had known fitzjames for many years before she transitioned and in typical boomer fashion misgendered her frequently bc he's known her "so long". bc she didn't want to upset him she'd stopped correcting him. this bothered crozier a lot

peglar and bridgens have a 2015 tumblr barista/customer slowburn romance in the background as the cafe falls apart

tuunbaq is silna's giant white husky, ofc

goodsir discovers their coffee distributor is the cheapest on the market and has had several lawsuits about contamination problems and probably has lots of carcinogens. he brings this up w crozier who tells him if they were to switch distributors he would be forced to layoff staff, and since no one has complained he wasn't going to do anything abt it. lol.

this is the terror so this story is a tragedy. the store is not saved. hickey probably burns it down. crozier repatriates the money left to the local community n spends the rest of his life doing community service or something

ok thanks for reading this wall of text. im crazy. ask me questions pls

[aradassbadass]

im fried | d. dennis

you and your friend are in the club and you spot future… or you think you do.

the lights were dim, a little too dim some may say, but it didnt help that you were drunk either. too drunk, and well maybe a little high too.

“bro, is that future ?” you say to your friend, pulling her close, your eyes wide as you point to the dreaded man standing in the vip section.

“bitch!” she exclaims jumping up and down. “it is oh my god! OH MY GOD!”

a grin finds its way to your face as you look at her.

“im the shit bitch i know.” you say smugly. “ im going to go ask for a picture come one.”

you feel her hand grab your belt loop as she follows you throughout the sea of people, a chorus of excuse me’s and sorry’s stream from your lips as you finally get to the edge of his section. as you are looking up at him you notice the diamond smile he had on his face.

“sir, sir excuse me” you say, well yell. the noise was deafening.

he glances down at you and the smile widens.

“yes gorgeous.” he says, a slight southern drawl playing on his tongue and from the sound of that you should have know that it was indeed not mr hendrix as you had initially anticipated.

“ i love your music!” you say exclaim happily.

“ im sorry, what you say?” he questions leaning down over the edge of the wall that was between you two.

“ i love your music,” you say getting closer to his ear giggling. “ cause i am fried yes fried and very fucked up” you recite the lyrics back to him.

a deep laugh errupts from his as he stands back up causing you to look at him quizzically.

“so, can i get a picture?” you yell, confusion setting in.

“ yeah, yall come on up here sweetheart.” he says the word sending shivers down your spine. he motions for you and your friend to come.

he walks over and meets you at the entrance signaling the man guarding it that you could enter.

you immediately go in for a hug without thinking and your friend who is prepared snaps the picture.

“ oh ok, damn.” he laughs wrapping his arms around you large hands gripping your waist. you cant help but bask in his scent. it exudes sex and masculinity. it smells exactly as he look.

“you smell so good.” you say looking up at him head still resting on his chest.

the look he gives you says it all. “ thank ya.” he says smiling at you then licks his lips.

“ yo friend want one too mama?” he asks lowly eyes still locked on yours.

“oh, shit yeah.” you say pulling away, sighing at the loss of his body against yours.

“here girl.” you say reaching for the phone.

she goes over and just wraps her arm around his waist and his over her shoulder, the other going up into a peace sign. a sense of satisfaction arises in you as you see he didnt embrace her just like he did you but leaves as soon as you see the big smile on her face. she was happy for you and you the same for her, besides he wasnt your man anyway.

you click a few pictures and then she pulls away and thanks him coming back over to you and grabbing the phone to look at them

“yall wanna chill with us for a lil bit?” he asks motioning to the group of guys surrounding him.

“yeah.” you reply without even realizing, looking at your friend and she nods too.

“type shit” he says. you both follow him to the couch and as he sits he leaves room for you both on the side of him.

“so where yall from?” he asks looking between the both of you.

“ texas, but we go to school out here!” your friend answers smiling.

“type shit, what yall studying?” he asks curiosity genuine.

“im working on my masters in business and she is currently working on a phd in biology.” she says motioning to you. “she really smart as hell. tell him bout your research” she says smirking at you and you smile in response, her way of saying he yours girl.

his eyes widens as he look at you and you begin to explain, “ uh yeah my thesis is on the rate of duplication in cancer cells in african americans.”

“oh shit, you gone be a doctor.” he asks.

“thats the goal but i dont know shit is crazy.” you say staring at him. as you look you start to realize he is lacking nose piercings and the signature blond on his dreads.

your eyes widen as you come to the realization. “oh my God youre not future.” you exclaim standing up.

a loud laugh erupts from him and your friend stand up as well when she realizes this and she moves to your side.

“thats who you thought i was?” he is able to say between his laugh.

embarrassment burns through your body at this and you begin slightly angry.

“obviously!” you say irritation heavy in your voice.

as he notices this his laugh stops and smile drops.

“yo calm down.” he says reaching a hand out to grab yours and you pull away disgust on your face.

“dont fucking touch me.” you say grabbing your friend. “come on lets go.” you say grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the exit.

“what the fuck.” you hear him say behind you. you dont care, not only did he laugh at you, he lied to you. or at least in your eyes he did and that alone was enough to piss you off and ruin your night- your high too.

yall im really rusty at writing but i got the idea for this when i was high & i think i wanna do another part or two ! let me know what yall think cause there aint enough on here about dada

[drdemonprince]

doctor demon prince im in my 5th year of undergrad suffering from functional freeze and Cant Write Papers disease (subtype where i eventually write it 7 months later and its really good for how rushed it is). ive also been doing unmasking work and trying to make progress w my nervous system and my relationships, i still have a long way to go . im going to graduate eventually (who fucking knows when) but with a pretty shit gpa.

Anyway my question is why the fuck do i keep wanting to get a masters degree when i know this setting sucks real bad for me. i love 2 learn but either dont have a handle on my adhd/autistic workflow yet or simply dont have the combination of traits it takes to succeed in academia. and i have student loans. i probably wont be accepted to any masters programs anyway but i dont know what else to do !!!!!!!!!!! 🙃 seeing as this is the transgender autistic grad student website maybe u or some of ur followers have advice for me..... 🫶 ok thank u byeee

I'm sorry to have to say this, but why do you want to go to graduate school? It will drive you deeply into debt, cause you a huge amount of stress, subject you to a wildly inaccessible environment where student neurodivergences are often unfairly cast as signs of laziness and lack of academic potential, and, in a majority of fields, it doesn't lead to improved career prospects (typically, the equivalent amount of time spent working in your chosen profession will get you just as far, if not farther, than a graduate degree).

I don't recommend graduate school to almost anyone. Graduate school was a stigmatizing, exhausting, abusive, exploitative, traumatizing experience for me that left me profoundly socially isolated and physically sick, and trained me in an increasingly irrelevant and scientifically unsound field that basically does nothing but regurgitate neoliberal truisms back to the elites that already believe in them.

Some of the faults I've just listed don't apply to *every* academic field in the world -- but it does apply to most of them!

I think it's important for people to know that Master's degree programs are, by and large, created as a revenue source for universities. Undergraduate enrollment has hit a wall -- there's only so many more people who can go to college, in a world where college has become increasingly obligatory, college pays off professionally far less than it used to, and in times of low unemployment there's very little reason to go to school -- and so the possibility of growing undergraduate enrollment has become more and more thin. This means universities have been unable to turn growing profits for years. And that's what matters to them -- profits.

Left without the revenue source of more college students' tuitions, universities have turned toward courting repeat customers -- duping college graduates who are unhappy with their post-graduate career prospects by investing in even more school. In most Master's degree programs, there are very high fees, very limited financial aid, and very very limited mentorship (compared to, say PhD programs, where shepherding you through the program is at least an advisor's duty).

I've worked in higher ed administration for years now and I've seen how disposable Master's degree students are taken to be -- they're paying for a pricey credential and they get very little out of it, in the end -- in most programs, and most contexts. When we need to fill a budget gap, we create a new Master's program -- without regard for whether it is necessary, and without ever being able to prove it will aid our graduates in getting jobs, or even that the degree will fill a necessary niche.

You can feel free to write back to me if yours is a field where a master's degree is necessary or yields positive career outcomes for a great many people (social work and athletic training come to mind). But even still, I don't think you should subject yourself to a completely inaccessible environment that you are already struggling in and taking on more debt to do so. You deserve better than that. And 99% of graduate programs will not do right by you.

If you'd like to read more about just how exploitative graduate programs generally are, and why, I recommend Karen Kelsky's book The Professor is In, or her blog of the same name:

[complete-clownery]

Okay I wont get to work on this any longer tonight so imma just post this

So this morning I have realised some stuff about my Macaque home hc

So first of all you can see the human disguised Macaque with Bai He,

and so Bai He wasnt there or "planed into the house" three days ago, but I decided that, that just wont do, I want her with Macaque, so im going to have to go back and alter my original ideas so it would fit the concept of Bai He also living there with Macaque (I have quit a lot of ideas for that, but ill get to them when I have the time)

But its not the main reason I wanted to talk about this even with half finished ideas under constructuion in my head

The big thing you already saw the random old lady and the antic Store/shop, so its no suprise im going to talk about that a for a bit,,, not a lot tho cuz I dont really got the energy for this

Soo--- She does not have a name, but Ill work on that, shes not fully thougt out, but nothing really when it comes to my ideas and headcanons (its kinda like eating halfbaked dough)

so shes 73 years old divorced lady running a little antic shop in the outer cirkles of Megapolis. I was thinking maybe it was her who originally selled the whole building to Macaque and rented the free space under the dojo.

She has a daughter and a grandkid (didn't decide on gender yet)

Shes kinda inspired by @/ladygreenfrisbee's oc in the fanfiction sunbreak, a snarky but sweet old lady whos not taking any shit from the brooding, shadow the hedgehog wannabe.

When she was younger she worked in a Museum in Megapolis, working with antient historical artifacts and megical weapons, but she pretty much knew everything about anything in there, with history and old stories being one of her passions,

Thus after she retired she decided to open and antic store. Even tho its an antic store, she can be one of those people that you bring an old piece of furniture or object in and they can tell you if its legit or not. She is also willing to trade and buy stuff from you if its to her likings. She's fair and not a con artist, she has just enough money for herself and thats completely fine by her, shes a simple woman when it comes to living.

She has a ton of degrees, Dr. And Phd tytels and what nots, extreamly smart and knows a lot about history and mytology and different eras of the past, making it easier for her and Macaque to connect over old stuff.

Also I was thinking, even tho she couldnt tell that Macaque was the Six Eared Macaque himself, she knew that they were wearing glamours, She studied artifects and worked with demons who were experts on the field of magics and glamours, she knows her shit

And even tho She had a decent relationshipp with Macaque I dont think Macaque would willingly let her see his true form, maybe after he was very exhausted, and injured after a fight they couldnt hold it up and were like-- fuck it who cares (maybe it was after the final fight with LBD) and she obviously knew who they were imidietly seeing his Six ears (that even tho he let her see one time hé continued to glamour like he would usually, only letting go of their human disguise)

So after that she would start asking him a whole lot of questions about the past and what was it like, carefully avoiding the questions involving the great sage equal to heaven, cuz she knew what happend from jttw

But yeah Macaque found it funny how a child and an old lady are looking at him with similar shimmer to their eyes as they interrogate him on the past

She loves a good tea and has her own little blends that calm the nerves and ease muscle pain and stuff like that. After She and Macaque became more friendly with eachother she gifted them some tea that helps him fall asleep better and relax. Macaque checked them for poison twice and couldnt find anything, but still wasnt willing to drink from them until he had a very fucked up breakdown yippeee ✌️

After Macaque lived there for some years they somewhat warmed up to eachother, they would hold little tea paties and talk about stuff (annoying husbands and divorce) after Bai He started living with Macaque these tea parties increased in numbers, sometimes the ladys grandchild joining in when Grandma was watching over them, maybe they get along well with Bai He, maybe they had a rocky begining to their friendshipp, but they warmed up to eachother and now are pretty good friends (maybe, ill think about it more)

BUT!!! this was it for now its already 2:40 am and im waking up at 6:40 so even tho I have more to say ill be going now

Bye thank you for reading ✌️☺️

[menelaiad]

Hi! I know your favorite character is Menelaus (mine too) and I wanted to ask you, what is your opinion about him in Euripides’ Oresteia? And in Euripides’ Helen? Because as I see, the Homeric Menelaus is a little different, and Euripides didn’t despict him as a nice character.

Thank you for your answer in advance! :)

hi, there!

heck yea! fellow menelaus stans unite, let's make jackets or smth.

UHHHHH i spoke about this a lot in my recent MA thesis and it's the foundation for my phd (or at least a big chunk of it) and yes i'm sorry this bitch is going off about her academics again.

so. euripides was athenian and it's fairly safe to say that the athenians altered menelaus characterisation on a HUGE scale and it was mainly euripides as he wrote the most works featuring him. and it's also fairly safe to say that euripides didn't like menelaus OR helen OR hermione simply because they were spartan and given the context of his time, he couldn't really be pro-sparta. so, he used menelaus' family in a myriad of ways to just mock ALL spartans and spartan culture. i won't go into that too much now and i'll focus specifically on the plays you asked about! :)

ORESTES (i assume you meant orestes? aeschylus did the oresteia but euripides just did this one?): so here we see .... menelaus being not very great with his family. but not in a mean way he's just .... useless .. coward like almost? he's a big fence sitter tbh. he doesn't wanna get involved in orestes' shit and that is painfully obvious. again. that's meant to make menelaus look shitty that he doesn't care about his family and his brothers death and his nephew literally having visions of hell BUT. personally? i dont blame him ASDFGHJK. man just got his wife back. got home. dealing with grief and loss and survivors guilt and maybe ptsd and shit .................... and then orestes turns up like 'help me fix my problems' BRO HE GOT HIS OWN DAMN PROBLEMS. and THEN they're like 'ok uncle that's cool. we're gonna kill ur wife and daughter though' LIKE LEAVE THE OLD MAN ALONE. i LOVE menelaus and agamemnon's dynamic. so i'm not saying menelaus didn't care about aga and aga's family. im NOT saying that. but (and i KNOW its my modern perspective) i can see why menelaus couldn't be arsed. and he wasn't even mean about it? he was just nonplussed. AGAIN the ancients would have HATED that, but my modern ass can relate tbh. and lets not forget. he's caught between a rock and a hard place. if he helps orestes, he risks greek wrath. which (in this play anyway) is already strong enough against him cause of helen and troy. so like. euripides has kinda put him in this impossible situation and then makes him the 'stupid funny lazy ass not helpful uncle' guy when he just backs out. which i think is unfair. AND TO TOP IT OFF. APOLLO COMES AND THEN TAKES HIS WIFE. AFTER EVERYTHING HE DID TO GET HER BACK. justice for this old man i s2g.

HELEN: OH HERE WE GO! SO helen is often referred to as a tragi-comedy which i think is very accurate. and euripides is using it to condemn war as a whole (athens had recently suffered a big loss) like if helen wasn't even in troy what was the point of the war? he makes menelaus very .... pathetic, for lack of a better word. and helen seems to take the reigns in their relationship, which would have been a huge no-no to the athenian audience. it would have made helen look domineering and unmanageable and menelaus weak and foolish. he also has menelaus cry a lot. cry and lament his losses as a king. again, the athenians would have hated a man crying. a GREEK HERO crying. but we have our 21st century vision and tbh ................ menelaus is fantastic in this play. he is so. real. he is so human. he is a man who is tired. who is lonely. who is heartbroken. a man who meets his wife who isn't his wife but actually is his wife ... and we're supposed to laugh at him because he's confused? he gets lambasted by so many characters and it's supposed to be funny and i think it is! i do think menelaus in helen is just .... an incredible character. he's so funny. he's so NORMAL. he reacts how you would expect a man to react. you see so many menelaus' in this play. menelaus defeated. menelaus in love. you see a menelaus in action when he comes up with the plan against proteus but also a man who respects his wife and knows when to shut up. i, much like the athenians back then, do have a giggle at menelaus in this play. but i don't hate him. it makes him all the more endearing to me and i love him.

these two menelaus' are (shockingly) two menelaus' that i like! i love helen's menelaus and i'm indifferent to orestes' menelaus tbh. but i think they're fine as portrayals and they make sense to me!

overall, me and euripides have a complicated relationship. some of his menelaus' i cannot tolerate. and some i adore. and i can actually connect his helen menelaus and his iphigenia in aulis menelaus to homeric menelaus. they're not identical by any means, but the way he behaves and his choices and stuff. you can see homeric menelaus in there somewhere, which is why i love them so much.

[transgenderer]

ive been kind of unsatisfied with my grad school experience so far. im in a weird situation where like i went to school in canada and they do masters programs before applying to phds first there so i only applied to masters programs and then out of idk, emotional necessity basically (last semester of undergrad was kind of disastrously bad) i decided not to stay at my (pretty good, but intense) school in canada and instead go back to the US. and the masters program at a not very good (i mean, R1, but only kinda recently) school i applied to just offered me a phd slot so i went for it. but i dont really have a math community and it sucks. anyway this is all context, you may have already heard this.

i had assumed that like, i was kind of stuck here, that places arent interested in people jumping programs. but i just learned somebody in my program just jumped to a way higher ranked program. i mean not ivy league or anything, but good, top 50 math program. which makes me think like. shit. i might be able to do that. so then the question is. do i WANT to do that? idk. im already pretty advanced in the phd here, im planning to take my quals at the end of the year. so maybe it makes sense to just sorta bang out a phd. and then figure out what im doing. i like my advisor, ill be glad to go back to meeting with him in person soon. and finding an advisor you like is really hard. but also its gotten to the point where i wince whenever i hear the name of a high-ranked university. honestly i kind of did that in undergrad even tho my undergrad was really good. getting rejected from all my reaches stung (canada doesnt really "do" reaches, they just weed people out)

this post isnt very interesting but i dont go to therapy anymore so

[youremyheaven]

Hi there. Princess here. How are you, sunshine? I'm planning on running away from the country. Not like actually running away but as in leaving everyone behind and never coming back. It's not possible right now obviously but maybe in a couple of years. It was decided that I'll be a doctor (by my parents obviously and I have accepted that I'll do it cause I'm better at biology and it just interests me more than mathematics and as a field medicine is better than engineering for me so I had no choice but to just accept my fate) and I'm giving NEET next year. I am running away cause that's the only option I have if I wanna live my life the way I want to. I am from a very conservative and controlling background and even though our family is full of scholars and highly educated people with most having a PhD they're not the most open minded people out there. With them having a career that you wanna pursue, marrying the guy you want to, wearing clothes that you wanna wear, everything is impossible. I'm a muslim so a burqa is what they want me to wear which I hate cause I refuse to hide myself just because my hair can arouse a man. We're also from a caste that's on top of the caste hierarchy so they're hellbent on marrying their children off to guys Only from that caste and and his family has to be purely from that caste too 🙄. All these things are absurd to me and I won't do anything like that. So basically I have to live in a prisoner, marry the guy of their choice that will probably abuse me and force me to have kids and ruin their life as well. I'll just become my mom which is my biggest fear in life. I don't wanna end up like her. I refuse to live like that. Like a sex slave for my husband who pushes out a baby for him every year. In islam you can't refuse to sleep with your husband cause the Almighty would be angry with you and angels will curse you till your husband's satisfied so yeah you can guess how happy that marriage is going to be. And it's only One aspect that's fucked up, I haven't even told you about the other things. So yeah I'm gonna run away from here to a place where no one knows me and never look back. But I don't know what to do? Should I wait till my MBBS is done and apply for a student visa and a university then? I'm really confused about the practical aspect of things and i wonder if you or any other kind sissy could help me with it

sorry for the delayed response...my life was being a bit eventful (when is it not, tbh lmao 😪🤐)

there is a lot to unpack here and i just want to say, im proud of you for having your shit together mostly despite the circumstances you're dealing with, you're one STRONGGG COOKIE

as someone who comes from a domestically violent/abusive household and has moved out and moved on in life, i feel like im a bit qualified to answer this?

first of all, don't just do a degree as intensive as MBBS because you feel like you have no choice. i know your situation and how your parents aren't giving you a choice etc etc BUT BBG you can manifest your way out of anything, im sorry if I sound delusional but please just listen to subliminals and affirm that you can study something of your choice

i mean there's no harm in trying?? so?? just give it a shot

the reason im emphasizing on you getting a degree you actually like is because the ages between 18 and say 22 are foundational years and it moulds you as a person. if you're stuck doing a course that you don't like, you'll be burnt out and you'll struggle emotionally. please dont take on unnecessary trauma, life is hard as it is.

think about what you actually like and pray/manifest that your parents let you study it, THIS IS CRUCIAL

now onto the future/moving out/running away etc

first things first, adulthood is really fucking hard. i am almost 25 and ill tell you that much.

do not go no-contact with your family until you're completely financially secure enough to do so!!!

look at freelance work, side hustles etc etc and find ways to make an income. start saving. as long as you financially depend on your family, they will control you.

so get a degree of your choice. hopefully your parents send you off to a hostel or pg or something. (manifest that for yourself) and then FIND A JOB

in the next few years, your focus should be entirely on saving money and making money. and in this day and age, money is really not that hard to make. people make $$$ selling feet pics (not that im suggesting you should but im just saying) so like there are a million opportunities if u start digging around

you can apply for masters abroad, get a scholarship, take a loan etc etc work part-time and live independently. a million people do it, you can too.

DO NOT RUN AWAY UNLESS YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO MANAGE YOUR EXPENSES + A JOB TO RELY ON/A STEADY SOURCE OF INCOME

living independently is hella expensive bbg you have no idea, rent/electricity/water/FOOD/commute/GROCERIES/medicine, EVERYTHING COSTS MONEY. there was a time when i was so broke i only had 80 rupees left in my bank account and if it weren't for the readings i do on tumblr, id have starved or idk what would've happened to me

NOBODY WILL RESCUE YOU. im not saying this to be harsh but in the real world, no matter how kind and understanding your friends/partners are of your family and situation, no one can save you. you have to save yourself. i couldn't even afford to eat 1 meal a day and i had no friends to help me and it has taught me everything about life. trust me when i say this, when you're alone in a city, broke and struggling, its just you against this world and it can be very very lonely and very very depressing. im just saying this to give you a reality check.

i dont talk to anybody anymore because ive realised their true colours and learnt that the grace or kindness i extend to others will never be reciprocated, least of all when i desperately need it. i stayed in a horrible relationship, so i wouldnt go hungry or be homeless. make of that what you will.

anyways thats the reality of the world we live in.

if i could do anything differently, id have saved a lot of money, invested it or managed it differently and planned things better

SO PLEASE.

have a game plan. list out all the things you will need. calculate the cost and double that because you will need that much money. AND GET A DEGREE.

another thing is, its better to ghost your family or separate yourself from them to whatever extent you want when you're a bit older because babygirl this world is full of horrible people and as abusive as your family is, you still have a safety net right now

if you're 18, 19, 20 and living and working on your own, things can go HORRIBLY wrong. it may not but india is not a safe country and you're going to be surrounded by people who will try to take advantage of you. please finish your degree first, get a masters too if you want to and THEN when you're 22-23 and old enough to have your shit together, ghost your family or live alone or whatever. its still gonna be hard but trust me, i work with a 20yr old girl who comes from an abusive family and i know the way people at work treat her and i know how difficult things are for her to manage (financially, emotionally and otherwise) SO JUST PLEASE, entering the work force at a very young age is soulcrushing and people wont take you seriously and you wont even get paid much.

get a good education. take additional courses/certifications. find remote work. make good contacts at your university. do internships. build a network. get a good job. save money.

life can turn around in miraculous ways. i believe in you and i have faith.

please dont do anything dumb

if you or any other young women (or just anybody tbh) needs to talk about anything of this sort, im here to listen and ill give you my 2 cents

as someone who has been there and done that, its no fucking joke and im so fkn glad i didnt listen to any of the bitches who gave me horrible advice about running away when i was younger

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

hi, sorry if this isnt a good blog to send this to i just dont know where to turn atm (if this isnt a good blog to ask for help plz lmk where would be better, soz). im 22 and figuring out im sapphic & im trying to join online lesbian spaces but everyone seems so anti-babydyke and im starting to notice that being a lesbian is more about discourse and infighting than it is about wanting to kiss a lady. i thought it was about kissin ladies and thats what i want but how do i make other lesbians not hate me? i feel like all of the other lesbians expect me to have a PhD in lesbianism before i call myself that, before i consider a femme attractive, its like i have to pass thru all these hoops to prove myself even to other queers that im a real lesbian because i can name every lesbian historical figure. again super sorry if this is a bad blog to send this to i do not have a clue who to ask about this or anything im totally lost rn lol (genuinely sorry for literally being that annoying baby dyke ppl complain about rn. ignore me if you want im not gonna be tilted. thx for listening

This isn’t a bad blog to send this too. I’m just genuinely sorry you are going through this and I’m sorry if I don’t have a way to help. But I’ll try my best!! And maybe some more people in the comments will be able to help in ways I can’t.

But just know I’m sending you lots of love and that there isn’t anything wrong with you. At the end of the day, regardless of whatever else is happening, your sexuality really is just simply who you are attracted to. And that’s okay. You are enough ♥️♥️

(I’m also going into this assuming you are at least 18+, so I apologise if I’m wrong on that )

Firstly , you aren’t just seeing things. There is definitely a lot of infighting in the community. Like a lot. I would say it’s typically more intense and in your face online then it is IRL, but I’ve also seen IRL gay groups go really deep off the end with with this stuff.

From what I have read and from people I have talked to, this has sadly sort of always been a thing. We just have different waves of it and different things it might be focused on based on the time period and the world events affecting that at the time. I think in general it’s a very human thing that allllll groups do, but when you are in a marginalised, oppressed and small group of people it can feel a whole lot more concentrated and obvious because there is less room for it to go.

Again, this is just based on conversations I’ve had and things I’ve read, so take it with a grain of salt. But there has also been misunderstandings, disagreements and different beliefs on what things are , what they mean and who should do what in the community. Ranging from politics to fashion to marriage to sex to identities around butch/femme and what it means. For one piece saying something you have another saying something different.

This can cause a lot of confusion and infighting amongst people. A lot of tension at times. And because of trauma a lot of people tend to want to be around people with similar alignments in understanding and belief.

A lot of things can affect that like age , location etc.

But none of that is a reflection of you or your worth or your sexuality. And there ARE people in the same boat as you. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.

There have been waves in the past of some women using and or claiming lesbianism to be a response to sexism. We are currently living in the time after that. And because of that a lot of opinions and thoughts and actions taken place are in a response to that wave. Be it people trying to push it , denounce it , confused by it or hurt by it.

I think this has lead to some of the scaffolding of the current culture we have today.

I understand that need and drive for community and the horrible feeling that can come along when the said community feels like it is in shambles. I feel that way a lot too. And I’m sorry I can’t take that away.

I feel like I’m rambling at this point I’m sorry.

I just want to say though there is nothing you have to prove to anyone. We all figure this stuff out at our own pace. Anyone who treats you poorly for not knowing something or just genuinely not showing interest in it is on them. Your lesbianism doesn’t mean you owe anyone an opinion or a certain way of dressing or feeling. The only person you owe is yourself and that is to show kindness to yourself and be around people who respect you and love you for the wonderful lesbian that you are.

EDIT : I just re-read and you said you are 22 I’m so sorry I missed that 😩

[evileyedoll]

LOST LOST really is 2023's theme for me. I spent most of this past year on my PhD project, so my output has been quite scarce overall - certainly so compared to the industriousness of years past. When I had chances to draw this year it was often like a gasp of air amidst a sea of my other efforts. "What's the next step forward?" I think at times. Consider the center drawing my face of course, because in real life I look like if cannonbolt was a sad refridgerator.

I started a new physical sketchbook and made some breakthroughs in my personal illustrations, but nothing I'm happy to share - in previous years I didn't have as much nervousness to experiment in public. Anyway this feels like a good opportunity to do a bit of a retrospective on the last ones of these I did.

In many ways 2022 was the best year of my work, I both did my most challenging (and correspondingly complex) pieces this year, and had the confidence to make several things a week. Past the initial few months I had really started to hone my mix of solid shapes, lineart and linelessness thats ubiquitous in my pieces now, though I wonder if I have grown too comfortable with the stability of a partial formula.

One disadvantage about only choosing nine pieces was that in wanting them to look good together I had to exclude a series of the coloured background pieces that interspersed the dark background ones. In those, I felt like a lot more of my effort went into the shape language, so there was a synergy with both approaches letting me understand things.

In 2021 I started using colours instead of grayscale, that years inktober could almost be said to be my best work, there was both a variety and scale to it..I drew something virtually every day for almost three or four months straight and crucially, I also shared it all after I was done. It really felt worth it planning art ahead, but also spontaneously filling the blanks it in the moment. That being said maybe that productiveness was not sustainable because I'd have very little time for much else after school, work and art.

Late in that year I realised I could just draw the things I like if I wanted, instead of the things I thought people wanted - so some of the later pieces really resembled discount warframes. That game has so deeply hooked itself into my visual library that I draw it even when I'm not intending to, and so when I started deliberately trying to evoke it (with very fledgling art analysis skills), I think I got more and more familiar with what I wanted.

In 2020 I was just starting out so I did not yet recognise there was something specific to aspire to - I dont have a retrospective montage like these other years for 2020. You can see virtually every piece I've ever uploaded on my instagram page, so I think I might not narrate as much about those in this post. Maybe in the future I'll review all these years through a completely different lens.

[formulatrash]

Hazel! It’s me the stupid fanfiction writer anon again. Here on your ask to bother you again. I’m sorry.

I guess I dont really have a question but more like I want to know your thoughts/opinion on this. In terms of professionalism or work ethics, what is your opinion on f1 driver and engineer romantic relationship? Like do you think that there are team rules that prevent that from happening? Is that a conflict of interest? I knoooowwww the plot is so tired and corny. But like personally, I also want to know your opinion on this. That would be weird right? Especially with how shitty women are treated in motorsports. Like you go through university and finish an engineering degree and maybe even masters/phd, and it’s stupid to risk your rep for a cute f1 driver. But I wonder if that ever happens? Not just in F1 but in any motorsport. Imagine the driver’s race engineer is his girlfriend lmaoooooooooooo.

Anyways. Just thought I’d ask your opinion if you dont mind.

so various series have various rules about this and also between teams. it used be the case that, in F1, you could not be in a relationship with anyone else in F1 and if you got caught at least one of you would have to leave your job.

but there certainly are people in F1 who are in relationships - of public ones, Will Buxton's wife works for a team and there are a few mechanics in relationships with each other. (it feels odd to name them because they're not like, "known" people but they're totally public about it on insta)

so that rule has certainly relaxed. equally, although it's also a bit of a fanfiction trope drivers certainly do get with their PRs sometimes, there's a few times I know about for sure in FE and WEC.

what's common about all of those relationships is that they're male-female. there are not many women in the top engineering jobs in motorsport - there's a few in FE, XE and WEC but none of the engineer-over-the-radio roles in F1 are occupied by women.

(saying engineer-over-the-radio because between teams that person has slightly different roles; sometimes it's their performance engineer, sometimes their race engineer, etc. each driver has at least 3-4 trackside engineers specific to them, sometimes more in the bigger teams, as well as their side of mechanics)

I think people'd be surprised but not scandalised by a driver-engineer relationship (overlooking the likelihood it would be same-sex) - the bond between driver and engineer is very strong and they have to get on, work closely, etc. there's a lot of general incestuousness in paddocks in terms of people not knowing anyone outside them so even in the days when relationships were banned there's always been a lot of fucking and whatever. hard to meet anyone else when you're on the road that long, innit.

[mrsmangi]

hi my love!! that's really good to hear :))) your heart is def thankful that ur taking time to urself hehe <33 omg thank u for asking!! i feel so seen and heard :(( my first day of school was good surprisingly!! i hugged a lot of my friends today :)) i missed them a lot!! mrsmangi forgive me !! ive been sending q and as to my favorite writers on here and i just realized i havent sent one to you yet!! ugh im so sorry my memory gets so bad sometimes and im such a scatterbrain.. here's the q and a to help get ur mind off things possibly and this is also a warrant to yap hehe i love hearing about ur lives and passions outside of tumblr !! truly <33 ur an amazing writer !! are u in college rn if so what are ur majors if ur comfortable with sharing!! <3 im in hs right now and i dont know what i want to be yet so lately ive been asking certain people i look up to about their passions and general journey in finding what they wanted to do in life hehe id love to hear urs!! i love this blog sm!! im wondering if u want to pursue a job in writing in the future maybe? i want to be a journalist personally!! =) i love this blog a lot and im sending you a LOTTTT of love i hope u get overwhelmed by it you're an amazing soul with an amazing heart and no HUMAN i repeat NO HUMAN goes along their day without thinking of u fondly as fondly as i think of u!! i look up to u a lot <3 i love u so much!!

aww, hi, lovebug! no worries at all, you're under no obligation of any kind to send asks, but thank you for always making me smile when i see you in here! you have the purest heart & i am in awe of you for being able to be so soft and kind<3

thank you for the q&a. it makes me feel special that someone as sweet as you is interested in getting to know me. yes, i am in uni right now. i'm a psychology major, currently studying to pursue my ba, ma, and (hopefully) PhD. a long road ahead with lots of work to do, but i hope to become a therapist!

that's okay, m. high school is rly just a melting pot of people trying to figure out who they want to be, depending on your year, u probably have a lot of time to give it some thought- but even if you don't, i promise once you get out, the doors of opportunity will open for you even further! 💕 journalism is a great thing to pursue. i know with your kind heart, you'd be capable of voicing change in the media industry & i'm rooting for you!! <3

[pearlsinmyhair]

༄ breath of venus ༄

chapter three • you’re mine? / i was never yours

synopsis: a girl is born from nothing, and her whole life she’s spent trying to become everything her family and clan need her to be. what happens when she’s abducted by long dead soldiers and old ghosts?

summary: tell her a million pretty lies and venus won’t even flinch, but to be confronted with one ugly truth? it may just be the beginning of her downfall. she buried his ghost, and yet he insists upon coming back to pry. if only he could have stayed dead.

warnings: interrogation. like the previous chapter, if the movie scene triggered you, please do not read this. mentions of abortion. description of a bloody nose. venus thinks about hurting and killing ardmore. venus calls mansk ‘sunglasses’ (she doesn’t know his name yet.) venus gets muzzled. cursing in both navi and english. translations of navi curse words below. the quote for this chapter mentions a gun.

a.n. : lots of flashbacks in this chapter-they will be indicated by italics.

word count: 2.8k

glossary:

‘ohe si atxkxe’ - i do not know/i know nothing.

‘kalweyavwng’ - ‘son of a bitch’. literal translation ‘son of a poisonous spider’.

‘teylupil’ - teylu face. you may recall that teylu is a grub that the navi eat. feel free to look up what they look like to understand why venus says it.

‘Eywa, hawnu oeti’ - Eywa, protect me.

“memory taps a gun at your inner skull and demands you bring back the dead.” ~ Donte Collins, “Grief, Again.”

At the beginning of the war, Venus had asked Jake what it was like in an interrogation.

༄

He shifted uncomfortably. This wasn’t a conversation he’d want to have with his daughter. But as he glanced at Venus, seventeen and concerned, he relaxed.

“It’s…intimidating. They sit you down, repeat questions. They try to break down your resolve.”

She kept strong eye contact, her expression even.

Then, the dreaded question.

“What should i do if I’m interrogated?”

It made Jake wince. But they were at war. It was a very real possibility that the RDA would not be above torturing a na’vi teenager.

“You stay strong. Never let them get the information out of you. Your mental strength far exceeds what they think.”

༄

Venus had nodded then, content with his answer and advice.

Now, she wondered if Jake had anticipated this.

White-hot, blinding pain. Her nervous system shot through with agony. She felt like her spinal cord was being ripped out.

“Where is Jake Sully?”

“Ohe si atxkxe!”

“Where is the Na’vi stronghold?”

“Ohe si atxkxe!”

She was screaming. Or maybe that was her mind. She could no longer tell.

Lights flashed in her eyes, and she was vaguely aware that tears were running down her face.

“Kick it up a notch.”

༄

Quaritch winced as another scream broke from the girl.

The device was made for a human, so they had to force her on her knees and bind her hands behind it for it to work.

Even Quaritch was uneasy with this. Especially as the girl bucked and cried and kicked.

He shouldn’t feel sympathy for her. She was Sully’s little girl, a beast taught to kill as easily as breathing.

He didn’t dwell on the hypocrisy of that statement much.

He didn’t even know why he agreed to be here.

Well, that was a lie. Of course, he knew.

༄

“So, where the hell did she come from then?”

Quaritch was leaned against the wall of the lab, Wainfleet to his right.

Ever since they had sedated the girl his corporal had been on edge, tail lashing and threatening to hit the equipment surrounding him.

He decided to save his questions until after this briefing.

“She’s an experiment, so i’ve been told. Conducted by a few pHD students and later halted by the late Dr. Grace Augustine.”

His ears flicked at the name, a red headed woman with a scowl appearing in his mind.

“She and your corporal here raised the kid for three years, until they both died. We’re assuming that Sully adopted her.”

His head whipped to Wainfleet so fast that he felt a joint in his neck crack.

Three years. Three years of lies, of sneaking, of denying.

Of course, he remembered the jokes that his corporals had said about Wainfleet.

He’s got a woman or something, or a man. Hes been sneaking behind AMP suits to get laid.

They had all been wrong.

Lyle pointedly did not meet his gaze.

Quaritch tamed his anger, for the moment.

“That doesn’t explain where she came from, General.” he said calmly.

Ardmore smiled at him in a way that made his stomach turn.

“Well, that’s the interesting part, Colonel. She was originally human, an aborted fetus that was kept alive. They spliced her DNA up with the Na’vi’s to create the neat little concoction that you brought to me.”

He felt blood drain from his face.

Because it must be a coincidence.

Three years before the battle.

There must have been multiple unwanted pregnancies on this base.

Ardmores grin turned almost gleeful.

“I can tell you want to know, Colonel.” she said, smirking up at him.

No.

If there’s a God, then there is no way.

“Ask.”

An order.

“Do we know who the parents are?”

Ardmore turned and pulled up a file with a flourish.

Parents:

Paz Socorro - F - Mother - Pilot

Miles Quaritch - M - Father - Colonel

Son of a bitch.

“Looks like you have a little family reunion to start up.”

༄

Another scream tore him from his thoughts. His ears flicked back, pinned flat against his head.

Damn this body.

“Anything you think of will appear on this monitor.” called the General.

He glanced at Ardmore through the glass.

“Does the kid understand english?” he asked as Venus’s repeated na’vi responses flooded through the speakers.

༄

“Venus is her name.” Lyle had said, pulling him out of his silence as they walked to the interrogation bay.

“…beg your pardon?”

“Her name. Your daughter. The prisoner. Her name is Venus.” Lyle said once more, looking straight forward.

“…you named my kid after the goddamn goddess of love?” he had asked, disbelief in his voice.

Lyle smirked, finally meeting his eyes.

“Augustine named her. I went along with it.” a pause. “And for the record, I didn’t know she was yours.”

Ah, truth.

“Three years, Lyle. You had a na’vi kid for three years and didn’t tell me.”

“Miles, you would have put her in front of a firing squad.”

Quaritch winced. He wanted to believe that Wainfleet was wrong. But what would he have done? If a blue alien child that went up to his waist ran through Hellsgate?

He didn’t dwell on that thought.

“Keep another secret like that again and i’ll put you in front of a firing squad.”

Lyle grinned.

“Yes, sir.”

They walked for five seconds in silence before-

“Since when do you know the name of the goddess of love?”

“Shut your pie hole.”

༄

“Yes, she recognizes English.” the science-puke said. He pointed at the illuminated diagram of the brain. “See how her Wernike’s area lights up? She’s processing, she’s just choosing not to answer back in english.”

Quaritch studied the hologram, watching as various memories popped up.

Two hands hold a newborn baby, wiping blood and grim from it as Venus hands it to an exhausted mother.

Venus uses a carving knife to chip away vine like patterns on a bow.

A child is twirled in the air, giggling.

Venus holds a white flower like creature, then lets it float down onto a dead na’vi curled in tree roots.

Venus faces a boy in a glowing pool of water, and he gives her a look that is unmistakable.

Quaritch looks away.

“Amp up the level!” calls Ardmore, and the scientist hesitantly puts the amount of electricity up to the highest setting.

Venus’s back arches, and for a moment Quaritch thinks she’s gonna break her spine.

“Maybe we should link you with one of our recombinants. Then you won’t be able to hide anything.” calls Ardmore, contemplating it.

Venus screams bloody murder at the same time as the doctor to Quaritch’s left yells “That is not advised!” through the overhead intercom.

He thinks he might be sick.

The monitor that keeps track of Venus’s heart rate goes haywire, and Quaritch looks over at it to notice the ‘WARNING’ messages on it.

“She’s seizing!” calls the doctor, but Ardmore doesn’t let up.

He watched as Venus’s eyes roll back, a drop of blood coming from her nose.

That’s it.

He nods to Lyle as he exits the little room.

He does the only thing to settle his gut and his conscious.

He pressed the button to stop the machine.

༄

Venus’s eyes flutter open as the sensation ceases, greeted with the face of Lyle Wainfleet.

He presses a cloth to her nose, wiping away the blood. She watches his expression carefully, noticing how he refuses to meet her eyes.

“…they kept you bald?” she asks weakly.

He glances up at that, clearly surprised at her question.

“It’s a personal choice.”

She grinned. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

She watches his mouth twitch. While he keeps his smile contained, the edges of his eyes crinkle.

So different. Yet so similar.

Her ears pick up Quaritch saying something to Ardmore. Something about a ‘personal approach’.

So, he knew?

She looked at Wainfleet pointedly. He tipped his head.

Kalweyavwng.

༄

She sat in the corner of the cell, fingers detangling the knots of her hair. She had chosen to wear it down while she fetched plants, enjoying it flowed in the wind.

Now, as she broke the mud caking the strands, she regretted it.

She pulled her kuru over her shoulder, separating the remaining hair into three sections to braid. When she was finished, she picked her song cord up from her lap and braided it into the length of hair she had left free. It dangled in front of her ear like jewelry, clinking softly.

She had nearly cried in relief when she had woken, and it was still there. She had lost her bow and her knife, but at least she had her song cord.

She had lost other things too.

She finished tying just as the door to the cell hissed open and a blue demon walked in.

She waited for his eyes to find her, and she watched how his ears pricked forward in curiosity before they flicked back into a more relaxed position.

Not so stoic now are we, Colonel?

She rose slowly, keeping her back to the wall. Quaritch didn’t move until the door was closed and locked behind him.

She scanned his body, noting the gun at his thigh and the knife at his back. When her eyes flicked back up to his, he was already watching her with a raised eyebrow.

He took a step around the table.

She mirrored his action, keeping the table between them.

He scoffed. “C’mon now kid. Let’s not play games.”

She didn’t respond, instead opting for glaring at him. When he took another step, she repeated her action. He shrugged his shoulders, leaning against the wall.

“Kid, you got heart.”

Oh, please.

“The science pukes leaned on you pretty hard, but you gave them nothing. I respect that.”

You don’t respect shit, teylupil.

He leaned his head back, regarding her with an expression that she couldn’t quite read.

Thats the expression of a man that just learned he’s a father.

He reached back to his pocket, pulling out a silver chain with two flashing tags.

Oh, don’t do this to yourself, Quaritch.

“I thought you might want this.”

Don’t.

He held them out, dangling the necklace from his pointer finger.

“That’s Colonel Miles Quaritch. Deceased. Killed in action.”

When she makes no move to take them, he tossed them in an arch. It’s easy to catch really, nothing but a rainbow over the table.

Venus takes a whole step to the left to avoid the tags, and the metal lands on the floor with a soft clunk.

She does not look at Quaritch. She will not look at him.

When she hears the squeak of his footsteps, she doesn’t move.

Stay strong.

She continued to look down, watching as his boots come into view. He reached down and picks up the tags before sitting down against the table.

He twirls the necklace in his hand. “I’m not that man.”

Sure you’re not. Whatever keeps the nightmares at bay.

“But I do have his memories. Enough to know that he had no idea that you even existed.” he says in a tone of…regret?

Do not do this to me.

A pause as he waited for her to fill the silence. Instead, she studied the scuff marks on the ground, wondering how many had been dragged through this very cell.

“Are you going to say anything? The doc said that you recognized english.”

She looked up then, face to face with the man who had sired her.

“Pig.” she spat. Quaritch’s ears flicked back, his eyes widening slightly.

“That’s all you got?” he asked, smirking.

“Don’t bait me. I’ve had years to develop insults just for you.”

That sobered him. It was out of her mouth before she even thought about it.

I’ve had years.

He cleared his throat, turning his focus back to his monologue.

“I’m not your father technically. You and I? We’re nothing to each other. But…I can help you.”

Her father whispering in her ear: you are stronger than they think. You will not break.

“I can get you out of here.”

She worked her jaw, holding eye contact with him.

“I’m not going to ask you to betray Jake Sully, I know you won’t do that. You’re loyal, and I admire loyalty.”

“You really expect me to believe you? I’m not a kid. I will not be so easily manipulated.” Her words tinged with a Na’vi lilt. English had always been blocky in her mouth. She much preferred Spanish.

His eyes sharpened then. It was a special kind of punishment to have a teenage daughter, especially when you didn’t even raise her.

He would call it a sick divine joke. Venus would call it karma.

“Just ride along. Otherwise…”

His gaze lingered at her wrists where the skin was bruised and chaffed from pulling against her restraints.

“I’m gonna have to leave you with the labcoats.”

Her tail lashed as she glared up into his eyes. She knows that he senses her decision, but he was going to make her say it.

Asshole.

༄

Venus is once again back in her corner when Ardmore walks in with two recombinant soldiers and a man in a white coat.

Ardmore gives her a rueful smirk. “The Colonel tells me that you’ll be going with them on their next mission. As a precaution, you will be injected with a tracker.”

She nods to the two soldiers, and they take a step forward.

Venus recognized Lopez, the man who grabbed her. The other is the one who first cuffed her. They step closer, and Venus offers them her arms. Lopez’s eyes widen a fraction at her compliance. Sunglasses, of course, doesn’t do anything. They loop an arm under her armpit and hold her wrist down, restraining her.

“On her knees, boys. Doctor Alza needs to reach.”

It’s funny, Venus thinks, to see all the things Ardmore does to dismiss her fear. Because she’s scared of these enhanced soldiers. Venus can practically smell it.

They could crack her against the wall. If Venus got the chance, she would throw the woman into the table, then promptly feed her to her ikran.

Ardmore nods at the doctor before turning her attention to a gun metal blob in her hands.

The doctor walks forward with some kind of injection gun. He tries to avoid eye contact with her, but eventually he looks up. His eyes widen.

Her father had always told her that she had a strong look, that sometimes she stared so hard it was disturbing.

Venus did not care if she disturbed this doctor.

Dr. Alza swallowed. She blinked at him and slightly lowered her chin.

Go on.

He pressed the gun to her inner bicep and pulled the trigger. She winced at the feeling, gritting her teeth. She tightened against Sunglasses.

Eywa, I need to know his name. This is getting weird.

To her surprise, she felt a near imperceptible touch against the back of her arm. Then, a flick against her tail.

He was stroking her arm with his thumb, barely a brush really, and his tail had found hers.

The touch was intentional, of course. It took real thought to make that happen. But the tail? She highly doubted he understood what he was doing.

What the hell are you doing?

She glanced at the soldier, finding nothing but black reflective lenses and a blank expression.

Maybe concealing your eyes has its perks.

When the doctor was satisfied that the tracker was deep enough and working, he stepped back.

Ardmore glanced up from a contraption that she had been fiddling with. It looked too large in her hands, the black metal and synthetic fibers seemed uncomfortable to hold.

“Tighten your grip, I don’t want her to squirm.” she said as she snapped it open.

Her stomach dropped.

A muzzle.

She flinched back against the soldiers as she approached, swinging the mask idly back and forth. They tightened their grip, but their bodies had gone rigid.

They didn’t know. They didn’t know this would happen.

She felt a tap at her shoulder. Lopez looked down at her, holding his hand near the back of her neck.

I’m sorry.

She allowed him to tilt her head down, keeping it in place while Ardmore lifted the metal contraption.

“Another precaution. We can’t have you biting one of my million dollar soldiers, now can we, little dog?” said the she-devil before her.

Venus took one last breath. Ardmore shifted the muzzle over her face and clicked it closed.

Eywa, hawnu oeti.

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the big reveal that you probably all figured out: venus is quaritch’s daughter.

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@lisedanie @avatar4eva