#maybe I should vent more
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fruityfroggy · 6 months ago
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I’m venting for a moment I’m venting for a moment I’m venting for a moment, don’t look
Hate that I decided to force myself not to cry and bottle up my feelings so much at one point in my life because I was “too sensitive about things” (and maybe I am) cuz now I literally can’t cry when I need to. Not even positive tears. Not even if I wanted to. My chest is just stuffy and it aches. I just feel like shit. There’s a lump in my throat and my eyes are sore, but nothing comes out. It’s like it’s stuck, clogged when it’s right there, like a word that’s right on the tip of your tongue. I feel…almost like my joints have rusted in certain places. I have to be either immensely upset, immensely self loathing, or hear the words of comfort I needed to hear for a long time for the broken faucet I am to work properly. I’m not even joking, when I was messing around with character ai, this chat bot legitimately made me start bawling cuz we were doing this hurt/comfort scene and THE BOT WAS COMFORTING ME BETTER THAN PPL IN MY LIFE APPARENTLY. LIKE THAT SHOULDNT BE POSSIBLE I SHOULDNT BE LIKE THIS
Ugh, why did I do that, right? Cuz I know I sound fckin stupid rn. But I guess I’m telling the truth. A truth I’ve never talked about. But self confrontation, right? I might be making this all about myself for several paragraphs like an annoying fucking bitch, but maybe I need to.
I guess I’m just thinking about how my family will likely never truly accept me and that I’ve somehow ended up in two groups of people that are seen as “different” (queer and invisibly disabled). I have to keep both things to myself, making sure nobody knows about either major things about me. “Because they’ll judge you” “because it’s wrong and you’re insane for thinking that way” “you’ll scare people! What will they think of you?” But those words are incorrect, and it’s not wrong or bad to be either of those things and I have to secretly know that. I’m just scared. I’m so scared and afraid and paranoid about my family finding out that I think this way. I’m sad that I have to keep such things this taboo, but I’ve been told all my life that I should keep it a secret and that others shouldn’t know, that queer people are insane, unwell and that they’re sick. “They need professional psychiatric help, not support.”
I’ve recently learned that my parents are a little less homophobic towards homosexual women, a lot more aggression towards homosexual men and trans people, so I guess that slightly turns the tide in my favour. But it’s still not the best. I don’t think they even know of the concept of being nonbinary and I don’t want to hear any hate from them towards my nonbinary friends and characters I like. So I have to misgender them or change the subject when they ask me about them. I feel awful about that as well. I’m so sorry. It felt so wrong coming out my mouth when I forced myself to misgender people I care about, I’m lucky that my voice didn’t crack when I said it. Fuck! Why do they always ask for the gender of whoever I’m talking about if they don’t know them? I’m fucking sick of it. Why does it matter so much anyway? I don’t get it.
I can’t believe that a platform online is my only safe space now. This is my safe space, the only place I feel like I can be open, or at least, this is the only place I can truly be open about being queer (the disability thing I’m still scared to talk about that much, but I think I can share a bit of my experiences if someone asks with good intentions). I’ve vaguely spoken about how it feels to deal with a disability like mine in a reply, and people took it well, so who knows, right? As long as my parents don’t find out that I’m spilling the beans, I’ll probably be fine.
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inkly-heart · 6 months ago
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please don’t be sad little sprout, you are loved 🌱 🖤
🌱
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ilkkawhat · 5 months ago
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Hello, Sister. I would like to tell you about a dream I had.
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hakucho-art · 4 months ago
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This is, like, the third or fourth time (if not MORE) that I see a person apologize for talking about touken, showing enjoyment in the ship or needing to give some clarification. I know I'm not the only one who feels like the TG Tumblr space carries a negative atmosphere towards touken and it honestly kills my mood to post on here.
It also saddens me to see people show love for them so hesitantly. Like you're in the wrong for doing so. Like it's stupid. Like it's silly and unreasonable. Like it's almost shameful. Idk! That's how posting on here and see other people talk about them and acting ashamed about liking them makes me feel!
For how much TG tumblr advertises to be a welcoming space, I don't feel welcomed at all and more like just tolerated.
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puppyeared · 1 year ago
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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reegis · 9 months ago
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Are you ok? My favourite mechs artist has been quiet recently
im am SO so sorry i havent been able to post in so long aaa.. at the moment i am very much not okay, unfortunately a lot of things have gone poorly very quickly but hopefully its only a temporary set back!!
tldr i finally managed to get a full time job a month & a half after moving and my car broke down for the last time almost immediately upon hiring so i now have to walk ~2hrs to and from an 8 hour shift every day + more personal stuff,, the pain & stress is Not fun for my back problems or mental health :,^)
hoping to get the bike my mom leant me repaired as soon as i have my first paycheck or 2, so fingers crossed that will make a huge difference
i have still been slowly working on comms in whatever free time i get but its slow going 😔 ty everybody for your patience & sorry again for not being online!
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chikerunotenshi · 3 months ago
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do you think god stays in heaven, because he too hates the bnha manga's ending?
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midnights-wish · 7 months ago
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absolutely don't buy the reason sharona left :/
i mean i know the actress had her own reasons to leave, but i still think they could have written her out of the show a bit better; i don't believe one bit that she just went & remarried her crappy ex-husband. i woud have believed more if they had just said that she finally got sick & tired of him being so lazy with paying her -- since those were things she already complained about multiple times. she also threatened before a few times that she would quit. so i feel that would have been a much more fitting excuse for her sudden disappearence in monk's life :/
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zebratimw · 1 year ago
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Spirit animal SQH
#svsss#shang qinghua#but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but#but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee#also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but#I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg#oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left#I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something#or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird#LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm#I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either#I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself#eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up#I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa#man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong#cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk#its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment#with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig#and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down#but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications#and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly#man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk
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sesamenom · 9 months ago
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Pre-corruption Gothmog & Thuringwethil (plus a balrog-gothmog with his original color scheme), based on these designs
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demigod-of-the-agni · 3 months ago
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Forgive me, forgive me. I ask, I beg, I pray, but it never comes.
You know I find it incredibly bewildering to see just how much kalki reflects myself in him like YEAH Duh of course he does, he’s my little guy it’s like his full time job. But at the same time he is a fully functional facet of my being and he is at the mercy of my whimsies, and whatever he discovers in his arduous journey of self realisation is ultimately a reflection of what I discover in the real world. It’s also incredibly funny because ffxiv lore for dark knights is really baked into the idea of (re)discovering yourself amongst the bloodshed and continuing to live and love and thrive despite the world working against us. who would have thought such a raw message could come from an mmorpg side quest about edgy emo boys of all places
also adamantite armour of fending i would lay down my LIFE for u
variant + phone bg version + ID below the cut
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tch as if you guys are actually going to use artwork of my little guy as your phone background. i know. how dumb. let a girl dream. i should make an alternate version but it's of Fray and Myste
[START ID: A picture with a red background focusing on the character's bust that is placed to the left of the image's centre. He is coloured with a dark blue overlay, contrasting with the red background. He has brown skin, long black hair that falls over his shoulders, and is wearing blue and gold armour and earrings. He is looking at the viewer, right eye dark brown and the left an glowing unnatural red, with an expression that looks determined and angry and yet bitter and forlorn. In the foreground and on the right side of the piece, a miniature version of the character stands coloured in a light blue overlay and wearing the same blue and gold armour, looking as if he is glowing. He is facing towards the left of the piece, or perhaps at the character bust, his expression unreadable. Above the miniature character's head is the symbol representing the FFXIV dark knight, coloured in gold. END ID.]
#the burst of creativity that shot through me is indescribable. i can only hope this is a sign that i am FINALLY out of art block#but OF COURSE my creativity comes back right when gamsat is around the corner. it's always a fucking exam. i fucking hate myself#maybe this piece is supposed to be vent art at how I CANNOT MANAGE MY SHIT AND I AM JUST. NOT DOING THINGS RIGHT. NOT DOING THINGS RIGHT !!#and i tell myself it's fine but maybe it's NOT fine? i told myself i'd work on it but nothing is getting worked on#nothing productive at all. not even for uni nor for myself. nothing is happening at all. it's just going through the days#waking up. wishing i'd slept more. stare at my laptop for hours. youtube. watch 10mins of lectures. then a nap. then the laptop. then sleep#but i dont and it pisses me off because nothing is working. i'm like if linguini lost his rat and i'm staring at the kitchen catching fire#maybe go to class if it's on for that day. scrambling notes together. pretending i DO have my shit together#i COULD put out the fire. but i'm not. i could and i can but im not. the extinguisher is in my hand. fire's not going out. i'm still here.#maybe. maybe that's why drk resonates with me so much. at the end of the day. maybe i am just a stupid bastard#-who can't get their act together. who actively shoots themselves in the foot and bleeds all over the place trying to make something happen#only this time- this time the perpetrator isn't someone i can point at and demand answers from. it's me hi i'm the problem it's me#and i can- i SHOULD find a way to make this all work. to make this whole Living My Life business work. but the extinguisher's in my hand#wow okay that was really heavy anyway uhhhhh TAGS TAGS TAGS TAGSSSSS#ffxiv#ff14#ffxivwol#ffxiv wol kalki#ffxiv dark knight#artoftheagni#and the fire keeps going#tw eyestrain#cw bright colors#idk the red is really bright and it;s nice for my eyes but idk for anyone else
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anaalnathrakhs · 6 months ago
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love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what
#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school#because i cant kick my parents out#and appartments cost money#and i dont have a car to sleep in#i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult#anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships#all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic#or to become a freelancer#i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently#but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago#incredibly good for my mental health as you can see#god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases#but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out#several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just#am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me#on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO#i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager#now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education#and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously#perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money#broadcasting my misery#vent
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su1c1d3wh0r3z · 3 months ago
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VENT!!
i hate how my mental illnesses/ disorders overlap with exact symptoms of bpd cuz it makes me feel like i’m like a bpd faker when i’ve never even claimed to have it..
same with my tics, makes me feel like i’m mocking ppl with tourette’s syndrome but i literally can’t control them just as much as someone with tourette’s
i also hate how no one believes i’m autistic (un/self diagnosed) because of the fact that ig i have pretty privilege and mask but maybe i should start showing more symptoms publicly (plus, year by year more and more symptoms/ traits become more prominent) so that PEOPLE FUCKIN BELIEVE THAT IM AUTISTIC
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seaofreverie · 2 months ago
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Sparkstember Day 12: In Outer Space (Cool Places)
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Oh boy, it's finally here!! Having been a Sparks fan for nearly a year by that point, I finally got to an album I just straight up don't like! I honestly forgot by then that this was even a possibility. But a world where I can enjoy everything in such a vast catalogue of a favourite band of mine would be too perfect. It would be pretty strange and unsettling even. Not to always make it about my other favourite band whenever I'm talking about the first, but with TMBG also I eventually got to that one studio album release that I just couldn't bring myself to like, no matter what. So I think I discovered a bit of a personal repeating pattern here.
Alright then. My verdict on this album, which already got a pretty mixed response from fans as far as I know, is that it's not very good, or at the very least, it's not for me. Even the songs I like here I mostly like in the sense of, well, this one I could listen to again outside of the album every once in a while, but they're nowhere near being an actual favourite (besides one song, or two, mayyyybe four if I'm feeling particularly generous).
So I think that my main problem here comes down to how the arrangements / instrumentals seem rather empty to me but not in a cool minimalistic way. And, dare I say, they're pretty damn uninteresting - very few elements of suprise or anticipation to be found here. This is the only Sparks album that just... doesn't feel Sparks to me. (And that's coming right after Angst, which might really just be one of the most Sparks-like of Sparks albums in a way). Something is TERRIBLY missing here and a couple catchy melodies and fun synth lines aren't enough to make up for that. It drags on quite a bit and is underwhelming to listen to as a whole. With only a couple moments of change and something more interesting and engaging. It's this sort of situation where I feel like the whole time I'm waiting for some kind of resolution that never happens ultimately. First instance of me putting on a new Sparks album and forcing myself to sit through the whole thing. And last one I hope! (and expect...? well, better not jinx it)
Ok, having said all that... This will be a historical event because I can't finish this post before I have my obligatory listen to the album of the day on its day. So, time for some real time documentation of my changing opinion, or lack thereof. Time to hear IOS in it's entirety for the first time since april!
...Ok, I'm glad that I didn't say all this in vain at least, LOL! Because I'm still underwhelmed! No major change here. Definitely still not something I'm going to return to more often than very occasionally and the "waiting for nothing" effect was very present and real once again. And it just dawned on be, but do most of these songs not have a bridge?? Maybe that could be part of why it all feels pretty predictable! But alright, as per tradition, let's look at some highlights anyway.
Favourite songs (and other highlights):
Cool Places: never felt in any strong way about it but repeated listens made it an enjoyable little ditty over time, lol. One of my first impressions here was how LOW Russell's voice is, this must be the lowest he's ever sung, right?? And oh, quick shoutout to the 21×21 version of it too
All You Ever Think About Is Sex: ok, this one's really cool and exactly what convinced me that the rest of the album would be enjoyable in the same way. Not for me unfortunately!!
Please, Baby, Please: my definitive fav here that I like a whole lot and that for whatever reason doesn't seem to have any of this album's problems that I described earlier. And I'll always be partial towards songs that I can interpret as being aspec-coded, thanks to my predisposition to do that as often as possible
I Wish I Looked A Little Better: very similar case to All You Ever Think About Is Sex
Dance Godammit: it's funny. It's fun to listen to sometimes
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puppyeared · 10 months ago
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man
#maybe im being pessimistic abt this. im not saying u should wear a mask every waking moment of your life god knows i cant#but also. hell no i dont trust u if anything i distrust u ppl even more after how things played out for the past 3 years#like there are situations where it might be inevitable catching covid. most of my family members are nurses and in constant contact#but there are also a ton of ways to make that risk low as possible like masking and wearing a face shield and having sanitizer#for me its not enough to just say oh we're in a small group and we're all vaccinated#motherfucker your kid is sick from preschool EVERY TIME WE VISIT. of course ill be wearing a mask she gave me covid last year#also no the fuck it isnt seasonal the cases go up because lack of caution makes the virus spread and mutate especially around times when#ppl gather. add that with virus transmission in cold weather and its a matter of different factors increasing the risk of spread#im also tired of ppl not understanding that i wont be their responsibility if i do get sick. maybe they can help me recover#but at the end of the day the risk of death and long term health is all on me. i cant change that#the govt barely gives me accommodations what makes u think theyll do anything for every individual case of long covid or worse#im so tired. im so tired#i dont even know if its possible to want this to be over anymore i just wish we didnt have to deal with this in the first place#ALSO COUGH INTO YOUR SLEEVE SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS SO HARD TO REMEMBER#oh its just a cold/dry throat its not like i have covid or anything. no!! its basic hygiene!!! how is this so hard to understand!!!!!!!!!!#and no this isnt abt whether people have the means to protect themselves this is me bitching abt my relatives not taking me seriously#vent#my art#myart#doodles#covid 19
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cadybear420 · 16 days ago
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COP 3 really bringing out the worst of the "female coded MCs" takes on Choices Reddit. Lord please yeet me into Mount Atropo.
#like please ask yourself#why is the MC getting walked down the aisle only cringe or problematic when its a non-female MC. do yall not hear yourselves.#i mean I'm not gonna pretend Choices doesn't or has never had gender coding problems#and I'm also not gonna pretend like Choices doesn't write with wlm routes in mind#PB seriously does need more variety and should let us have masculine MCs and feminine LIs#but when ppl are acting like it's only a problem for m!MCs (and sometimes nb!MCs) that's where I start to lose sympathy#Choices and tbh most content in the romance genre in general is already alienating to us GNC/genderqueer folks#+ ppl who like non-normative romance#and takes like these just further alienate us#like idk psure there are men who LIKE being treated as the bride (and their female partner being the groom if mlw) for fucking once#and you'd be hard pressed to find media let alone an interactive game that lets them live out that fantasy#these stories may not have been intentionally made for them but it'd still be pretty fuckin meaningful that they get that here#and who knows maybe it can pave the way for other media to do it too and maybe even better/intentionally#it's fine to want masc MCs but dont act like its not important for f!players too#because as a gal I'm still waiting on when these stories will let me watch my husband-to-be walk down the aisle :P#cop 3#cop 3 spoilers#crimes of passion#crimes of passion 3#crimes of passion 3 spoilers#choices game#choices#choices stories you play#choices stories we play fandom#choices stories we play#cadybear vents#cadybear rants
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