#maybe I CAN write a dissertation
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Now that I’m a significant ways into writing my David x Jonathan fic I am no longer sure if David is a top or not
What I do know is that Jonathan definitely WANTS David to top him
#Bible fandom#sorry Bible fandom tag 😘 I hope yall have a good night#david x jonathan#00#guys just checked the word count#JUST my outline is about 80k words#and that’s not even including my research notes#maybe I CAN write a dissertation#haha#I had split it into two different docs bc it was taking forever for google docs to load#dxj
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Kinda meta but. Satosugu on both ends.
[ ID in ALT ]
Let me elaborate.
Teenagers SatoSugu is the cutest thing ever. They're the only one who are able to catch up with the other. They're the strongest together. They are pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly. They complete each other, they understand each other, they help each other and more importantly, they love each other. No one else can follow the path of Gojo Satoru and makes him feel human other than Suguru. No one else can bring a genuine smile on Geto Suguru's face and makes his life worth living fully other than Satoru. They're the epitome of young exorcists.
Adults Satosugu are the messiest divorced couple ever. Satoru cannot love without consuming entirely the person. Suguru cannot be saved because he's already gone too far. They are soulmates and cannot live without the other. They have been separated for years. They cannot kill each other, they cannot be with each other. They never forgot the other. Their breakup happened eons ago and they still consider the other as their one and only. And they make it everyone else's problem. Because Satoru wasn't able to burn Suguru's body, the Shibuya Incident happened. Because Suguru's memories of Satoru were so strong, Kenjaku was able to make his plan and seal the strongest sorcerer. Every one of their choices and words and actions was just an I love you so fucking loud that it doomed the universe to destruction.
#jjk#gojo satoru#geto suguru#sugusato#stsg#jujutsu kaisen#ship tropes#shipping#analysis#there's more to say honestly but i don't have the strengh right now to break myself more#also english isn't my first language and I'm getting too tired to write a dissertation#this is not just a dichotomy of kid's innocence and adult's trauma#this is way more deep than that#so maybe i'll continue it tomorrow#i know this is my own personal interpretation of the ship#i know many people won't agree and this is fine#please do not insult me. give your own point of you if you want but do not attack me.#if you find this stupid you can just scroll down
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If I finish and submit this chapter today I can REORGANIZE MY DISSERTATION BOOKSHELVES
#that can be my little treat to look forward to :) perfect#maybe even i'll refrain from putting all the new books on my desk yet so i can commit to sewing projects for a couple weeks#it's calvin. i have a full shelf just of commentaries. those books are not fitting on my desk#wait actually how am i going to write this chapter. ummmm#the dissertation
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I still want to talk about protesting Pride, and I will, but to get off my chest now:
I dont think you need a tonne of presentations and complicated documents and academic language to talk about pinkwashing in Israel and use to justify bombing of Gaza. You can literally just say 'no nation or people deserves to be bombed and murdered because some people in that country/people are homophobic/queerphobic/whatever term your audience for the statement is using. Seriously if you say that you're disgusting.'
You can run the risk of being incredibly bogged down in this stuff, making it so much more complicated than it is. It's not complicated. I know this is an issue. I've had YouTube ads alluding to 'SOME countries who are homophobic and bad blah blah' without stating a country name outright but clearly designed to take progressive sympathies from Palestine. But it won't work and we know it won't. No need for like workshops full of academic slides that no one who doesn't already agree will do.
#my theory is a lot of the same people involved in this fell for/are currently falling for#'its ok for russia to invade ukraine because some people there might be nazis'#a statement also true of most western countries btw#a government of nazis like ww2 germany is obviously not the same as some people in a country being extremists#but a lot of people including my dad thought it was the same so now they have to write dissertations#on pinkwashing in powerpoint#its totally different than that!! (but its not)#i think its also an issue that a lot of queer people living in the relatively progressive west do the whole#'if i was in x country I'd have y happen to me' but they arent in x country#no one knows how to talk about worldwide lgbtq issues without making it about themselves#also the violence against bigots thing has had lip service paid to it for so long#its basically a meme now#so maybe theres some guilt there prompting this#there doesnt have to be though#just stop making vast sweeping statements and cool it on the black and white thinking and violence worshipping#and find some consistent principles you can stand by
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planning document must be going well I just said the words “explaining the endurance of Platonism could be the life I’m living” to myself. Alone. At 2:30am. Because yeah. Could be.
#mrowmrowmrowmrowmrow I should be able to submit the word nya and the word nya alone in place of a second chapter#tumblr gets my planning thoughts because. yeah#I fucking hate chapter 2 so much for being a relations chapter in what began as a relations dissertation#on one hand I feel like I’m insane if I don’t talk about Origen in ReHashing Christian Neoplatonism The Dissertation but on the other hand#it is disingenuous to talk about incorporation of Platonism without addressing the vehement arguments against it#like I was there going what I would love is a good writer/writers between Justin+clem and Augustine and went well big issue is most of the#writings between actively addressing christianity and Platonism as a shared logos are arguing by against so#there is that#(I am at peace ish with the arbitrary decision to do Justin and clem for ch1 because I do think apologetics is the best genre to illustrate#the shift I’m discussing; ideal world would have me using every writer ever but. my supervisor says I can’t do that so)#but also it is so bullshit arbitrary relations chapter#I think it weakens my argumentation as opposed to contextualising it or adding complexity#it’s just like oh you were told to show opposing views and you did#clap clap whatever#I don’t know what it’s saying#in theory I’d love to find something about the root of the difficult of reconciling the two#but also what if I don’t find that#what then#Augustine must be discussed but otherwise every other writer is more or less arbitrary short of perhaps the issue of orthodoxy#but also that is what I get for doing a deeply arbitrary capstone as opposed to something with teeth#past Lewis deciding surely I will find something of substance if I engage in investigation of something I find interesting falling into the#eternal trap of contemporary humanities#things could be framed as an examination of how ideas get incorporated into canon#but also then it’s like why this as an example#and then it’s like well maybe there’s teeth in examining whether this was a part of platonism’s endurance and#you can spend a life explaining the endurance of Platonism#you can’t just say that in your introduction and conclusion and call it a day#connecting to medieval receptions is perhaps my only hope but why do medieval receptions matter I don’t know I am not a medievalist#and i fear I could spend a lifetime examining that#capstone
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Me with my writer pals, seeing they're all slowly falling in love with a certain rubber pirate captain:
#whatever i'm doing is working#or maybe i didn't do anything at all#there's something in the water#drink it#share in my love for luffy#after all i have a phd in luffyology so i can write you a dissertation on why you should love luffy#i'll stop now#but i shan't#mugi muses
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📓give me yer plots
Plots? Plural?? Okay, you get three ♡
I only included ideas that I am not currently/actively working on.
Maedhros + Mairon team up AU: After Luthien and Beren nab the silmaril and scram, Melkor actually does give chase and follows them south towards Doriath, and he cuts through Nan Dungortheb where he is ambushed by Ungoliant's spawn (I think if he was alone, given how physically weak he is at this point in time + just having woken up from Luthien's spell, he'd be easy prey) who take him and his crown with the remaining two silmarils and bear him to the south of the continent where Ungoliant has been waiting to exact revenge and claim/consume the jewels. Mairon comes home after having lost Tol-in-Gaurhoth to find Angband in panic, not being able to find Melkor anywhere. He decides to infiltrate Himring, it being the closest center of elven activity and information that is also open enough to travelers, etc. for a new face to pass unnoticed, to see if he can find out if the enemy has Melkor. Maedhros, having had him as a visitor for 30+ years while hanging off a cliff, recognizes him pretty quickly despite the disguise. They team up and go on a life-changing fieldtrip to the south of Beleriand to retrieve one dark lord (for Mairon) and two silmarils (for Maedhros).
Maeglin in Rivendell AU: Maeglin either is brought back by the Powers to help in the War of the Ring (yes, it's inspired by that one poll a while back XD) or actually somehow survived (I haven't decided which I prefer) and ends up in Rivendell. Not really a cohesive linear plot kind of fic, as much as a series of character interactions/exploration of themes: Maeglin and Elrond, Maeglin and Glorfindel, Maeglin and Eowyn, Maeglin and Frodo, to list a few of my top ones.
Eol makes a stone that outshines the silmarils AU: @melkors-defense-attorney and @mirkwood-hr-department take equal share of the blame credit for this completely wild idea yes it still lives rent free in my head, I have not forgotten about it XD. Basically, Eol is much closer to the dwarves than he is to his own kin, and would probably be more comfortable going to them for courtship advice re: Aredhel. Hence, presenting her with the shiniest rock as a gift early on in her stay at Nan Elmoth. Problem is, she has seen the silmarils, so it would have to be an extra shiny rock. He accidentally makes a stone that outdoes the silmarils; cascading world-wide consequences follow XD (These include: angry Feanorians; angry Melkor, at not having the Shiniest Thing™ and seeking Eol out in his forest a la Evil Queen style, to trade his two silmarils for this one; Eol (in this timeline, never having been to Angband) being so isolated he literally doesn't recognize Melkor and slamming the door in Melkor's face ("no solicitors!!"); angrier Melkor (that's two door-slamming elves now); angrier Feanorians (that Melkor would seek to trade the silmarils with Eol of all people); one very swoony Aredhel at the balls of this elf throwing the Dark Lord out on his ass.)
#thanks for asking!!#as you can see#all of these would require multi-chapter installations#which is why they're relegated to daydream/discord chat status#instead of an actual word processor XD#i might tackle them one day in little bits#maybe have a go at the maeglin one at least once i'm done with my remaining writing prompts#and my 10k+ dissertation on nan elmoth lmao#i think i could probably successfully write them if i wrote snippets; like a couple hundred words at most per chapter#more like snapshots in the timeline rather than a detailed delineation of it#problem is that my brain likes to think that anything below 4k words isn't a 'real' chapter for a multi-chapter fic#which is absolutely not true and not something i apply to other people's writing; just mine 🙃#basically i just need to get over myself and my issues lmao#one day. i can dream.#silm musings
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do you have a favorite character or a favorite relationship to write in potb ?
the obvious answer here is dook and beach bear lol . i think they're both endlessly fascinating characters and I've been enjoying writing them slowly getting close enough to each other for them to finally mesh. close second place is beach bear and queenie's relationship, which is really highlighted between chapters 7-14 so if you're only following the fic via tumblr you're in for a treat lol. i really like writing a dynamic where they both hate each other and yet both care very deeply about each other. they're constantly annoyed by each other's existence lol and they both overstep the line at times but when it comes down to it neither of them actually want the other out of their life despite it all. i think the fact they both go too far w each other at times is part of why they both still care about each other– getting hurt by someone you love can be a backwards reminder you love them, just from it hurting so bad. they don't really have a healthy relationship but that's what makes me so interested in them, more room for drama lmao
#i could and have written full dissertations on beach bear as a character in potb#his past and trauma informs how he interacts with everyone and dook and queenie are on pretty opposite ends of that spectrum#its fun writing the contrast. i love giving dook a reason to be afraid of beach bear while beach bear knows hed never even think of hurting-#dook. the fight scene in ch7 where beach bear is probably seconds away from doing smth he'll regret later and seeing dook immediately-#neutralizes him#spoilers if ur only reading on tumblr but in ch12 when dook finds those old pictures. when beach bear pushes him#in ch14 when he talks abt it w mini and the only conclusion they can come to is 'maybe we all suck'#im not sure if beach bear thinks of himself as a good person or not but he absolutely has regrets. hes motivated by regret#asks#potb
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lately my only goal w my writing sessions is just to do whatever i need to feel good and set myself up for success w the next writing session and it feels kind of like basic advice but i seriously never gave specific focus to that and it's kinda life changing lol
#like i'll have specific goals like finish this story draft or write this many words finish this scene/chapter etc#but if i dont feel like i can make that happen i try not to see it as a failure and just reroute it into#okay what do i need to do to make sure i get closer to that tomorrow#or will make it easiest for me to get back into it tomorrow/what will set me up for success tomorrow#actually v clearly focusing on THAT instead of focusing on what i DIDNT do right now makes the whole#thing feel easier overall AND makes me feel like i can actually continue to get closer to Finishing The Thing#and i make it very tangible like how much do i need to write that also accommodates my abilities today. or do i just need to write a quick#outline or just the first line etc#i dont think im gonna finish this micro first draft tonight so i thought what can i do that will help ensure i (hopefully) can tomorrow#and it was just write all the lines that are in my brain out on the page. like no matter what i can do that n i probably can do more#like i have specific goals and self imposed deadlines so im trying to get things done by certain times but giving myself grace with it so i#dont burn myself out in the process#also trying to plan in advance so i never Have to do something By The Next Day that i dont think i can do#this is what helped me finish my dissertation LOL#i realised it was far more beneficial to not force myself over my limits for that day but set myself up for success the next day#i would be like “i need to do this but i know it will be easier to do it with a refreshed mind tomorrow”#and i kept thinking “getting a good nights sleep will help me more tomorrow than forcing myself to write/edit more”#“so i have less to do tomorrow”. like okay maybe id have less to do but id also have less brain power bc i overexerted myself!#which then turned into okay what else can i do to ensure success tomorrow etc#like im tired tonight! my brain isnt working! but i know i can do things that will make me more motivated to write tomorrow#and that in itself is a success. no failure in writing as long as you are taking care of and helping yourself#instead of isolating every writing session into a single Okay How Much Can I Do Today#but acknowledging how a string of writing sessions work together. some have more production some dont#and working with that
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#keroro#i love this. she is me. i can live my unbridled amounts of cute aggression towards him THRU HER#i literally need to do this irl#like i just skimmed ep 64 bc i was curious about this trauma switch thing and ive never wanted to grab him and whack him around more#in an affectionate way not because im mad at him oh no. i understand him so deeply. i feel him. i know his most inner psyche.#and he inspires unrecorded levels of senseless violence in me#me in my little ignoramus bubble writing a 4 pages dissertation on his character anyway bc like. i get him ok#his deep seated sense of guilt that he's constantly fighting against. that he needs to repress and deny in order to function.#his fear of abandonment. fear of never being enough. not being able to make up for it. for himself. thats why hes self sacrificing#his selfish childishness that comes from not having been allowed a lot in his youth. taking friends for granted in his past but knowing -#you dont fit in with them. constantly apologizing for yourself. taking space. too much. self indulgence. because friends is s scary concept#and yet one you couldnt survive without. letting them walk all over you. denying your anger. your fears. crawling back to them with a smile#at their feet and biting time because what you really want is friends. company. but you think you don't deserve it. deep down.#maybe u dont. your worst reminder the friend you love. and if they ditch you it's deserved. you don't need them (you do)#why am i rambling!!!! he has ruined me. if im wrong dont even tell me bc i prefer this version in my head anyway#*charlie voice* look at me. psychological trauma up to here#im not saying growing up poor with a father that shames you for your interests and ''disciplines'' you made him selfish but. no yes!#i am saying that. bc i know how it is. growing up with friends that have a lot that u can never afford. u feel guilty just being with them#ok we strayed a lot from the og post which is just me saying I WANNA PUNCH THIS GUY SO BAD (he is me)#keroro gunso
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okay but in an academic setting this is still probably considered self plagiarism and is still against academic integrity policies. of course if you posted the art to your website AFTER submitting it for class that would be fine, but pulling something you previously wrote/created to submit for an assigment instead of doing the assignment fresh for that specific class is actually still considered plagiarism. Obviously it is a clearer issue if you have already submitted it to a different class and are re-using it. but if it is previously published somewhere, like your website, you are going to get into trouble. For the same reason, dont submit a blog post you wrote that kind of works for a class essay prompt. any plagiarism software will find the blog post and flag that and it will still be considered plagiarism. If you really want to engage with something you already made, the most you can do is cite yourself, but in terms of academic integrity policies you are supposed to be creating something completely new for all assignments.
#the only real exception i can think of is a dissertation or thesis because that is treated more like what i think maybe an art portfolio#would be?#like if you are turning in a portfolio of your work at the end of your program#obviously it is all stuff you previously did#and often for writing you will be encouraged to develop your thesis chapters during your coursework if you can#and that is more considered part of the revision/feedback process#but similar to a portfolio a thesis is supposed to be the culmination of all the research you did in your program#look i am salty about self plagiarism rn#because i work on a peer reviewed publication#and the number of academics submitting previously published work to us#is staggering#like i cannotttt believe it#and some of them just really do not understand why self plagiarism is a problem#so like if we can get people at the student level to actually understand it#maybe! my job would be easier got dam#in the publication setting some of the issue is copyright related#but a lot of it is just in order to be seen as a relevant academic publication you have to be#publishing NEW research not just recycling stuff people have already read elsewhere#from the student/prof aspect tho the issue is more that the purpose of the class is for you to be practicing certain skills#and if you are not creating something NEW for your assignment#you arent actually getting that practice#and you probably wont actually be fulfilling the assignment prompt either even if you THINK it is close enough#like profs design prompts very carefully to guide you towards practicing certain skills#so something you did previously just on your own might somewhat fit the theme of the assignment but likely wont#fulfill the entire rubric#like i know surface level it self plagiarism seems like a stupid concept#but there are actually practical reasons why it is not acceptable in many different settings
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me applying to do a dissertation on literature like: no i have not read an entire book since starting here, no i am in fact extremely bad at analysis, yes i have only ever done one literature module, no i do not know if i have actually passed it yet
#this is a good idea#we make smart decisions#i just like reading the secondary reading okay#(okay like as in ‘i’ll actually maybe read some of the articles through to the end’#but that’s something)#plus i’ve read half of the book for the module this year#might as well write a 12000 word essay on it#also ALSO it would mean i can rage write#because i hate the main fucker soooo much#(and have done since i was 10 so this is really full circle)#i don’t want to write a dissertation but if it’s basically just me venting my frustrations about this guy#fuck if i don’t get the whole thing done in a singular day long rage fuled frenzy write#i talk and its probably something weird
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Bakugo who eats you out because he lost a bet, smut
It all started with a bet. It was this specific chaotic type of bet that you throw over your shoulder when agitated. The one that comes pistoling out of your lips as soon as it comes to your mind, or even earlier, a fog of war limits your common sense.
This was often the case with Katsuki Bakugo who was world widely known as the most annoying person on earth.
Okay, maybe he stood on this podium only in your world (others deemed Denki as the most insufferable) but it was enough to fire the never ending quarrels.
The two of you were similar in many senses, none of which would ever admit. Despite you being way less aggressive, you had your ways of getting under other peoples’ skin when displeased. You had this fighting spirit and competitive nature that could tune well with Katsuki’s. Unfortunately it most often sang off-key.
It was hard to tell what he thought about you. On one hand you’d say he definitely disliked you, to some point maybe? If he did dislike you he wouldn’t keep you around the small circle of his friends. Katsuki proved that he could push away anyone he wished to, no matter the circumstances. That’s what happened with Deku.
So Katsuki Bakugo disliked the fact that he liked you. Or he liked to dislike you. Either way you fought, ebbed and always surged back. Oh, and bets?
I bet you won’t even make it halfway before the time is up. He throws when he passes you down the hallway, spotting you bending your back over a book, minutes before the exam.
I bet your lovely friend will come looking for you soon. You snicker leaving him in the kitchen of the house party you’re both at. He’s currently hiding from a bimbo who really tries to ask him out and doesn’t take no for an answer.
I bet your mum dropped you when you were little.
I bet Miruko will kick your ass over this.
I bet they’ll send this essay back. It’s shit.
I bet it’ll die in this sunlight.
“Huh.” He knit his brows together, throwing you a nasty look. “Old hag didn’t say anything. It looks like it needs light.”
You were currently in his dorm room, analysing a small plant his mother left him. It was tiny, in a small ceramic pot, with three juicy green leaves poking out of the fresh soil.
���Well, I bet it’ll die if you put it in this sun.” You threw, shrugging your shoulders.
“Okay. If I win you’ll shut the fuck up for a single day around me. No words, not even a squeak.”
With the eye of your imagination you could see Katsuki pestering you for a whole day while you’d be unable to fire back. Yet, you had nothing to worry about. The little dude on the windowsill will bear three of four days before wittering. It’s the type that needs more shade.
“Fine. And if I win you can eat my ass.”
He chuckled, throwing a not happening over his shoulder before ushering you to work you both had to do.
A week later you were back in his room. It was a pleasant place to work in - clean, quiet, and always stocked with tea and coffee. Unlike you, Katsuki had the luxury of a single room which always soured your mood when he rubbed it in your face.
You were resting in his desk chair, legs crossed and organising a bunch of sources you were about to use later in your dissertation. It was the least pleasant part of writing essays. Finding academic sources in the library or browsing for them on the internet was not half bad. One could get in the swing of it after some time. And it made you feel like a real student all book heavy bags in a spacious bibliotheca.
Organising them later though? A pain in the ass.
“-by the way.” You caught only the ending of his sentence.
“Huh?” Turning around you spotten Katsuki looking at something in the far end of his room.
There was a closet there, one that didn’t quite reach the ceiling but was massive in shape. Atop of it sat the little dude in his sweet ceramic pot. Unfortunately all that was left of his three juicy leaves was one stem fighting for its life.
You clapped your hands in satisfaction, cracking a victorious laugh.
“Told you.” Fake wiping a tear from your cheek, you turned back to the desk and searched for the box you were about to tick off the long list. “Give it some more water and time. It will be fine.”
“So.” You felt him standing behind you. His shadow disrupted your writing.
“So?” Once again you turned around in his chair, cocking your brow in question.
“You won.” He crossed his arms, tapping his foot on the soft carpet in irritation.
You nodded your head with a grin but still ruffled. “Yes, and?”
“And you told me I can eat your ass.”
“Oh yeah, stuff your stupid mouth full.” You laughed but he yanked you by the arm, standing you up.
He dropped to his knees, pushing your bottom into the rim of his desk. With a shit eating grin he slipped his fingers into the sides of your trousers, grazing the bare skin of your hips underneath them.
“What the fuck dude?” You cursed, grabbing his forehead like the one of a misbehaved dog, trying to pacify him.
“Tell me to stop and I will.” The grin never left his face as he waited for your words, digging his nails into your skin.
It would be a lie to say that you never ever thought of him that way. Of course he was pretty, with his naturally fair hair that gave him a punk kind of look. With his body carved out like a marble statue. With a grin that made people both want to slap him and fawn over him.
Yes, it did cross your mind that he would be a pleasant view in the bed. Who with a sound mind wouldn’t think of that. Maybe people who weren’t attracted to-
No, it was a normal thought to have, one that may occur when you’re alone under the shower or in bed. You just often appreciate the beauty of your friends. Mina’s also cute and Kirishima is bulked as hell. It was a rational train of thoughts.
So why wasn’t your rational mind telling your hand to push him away just now? Why were you looking at his face, so close to your clothed cunt and feeling excitement bubble in your veins.
Tell me to stop and I will.
And you never did. So he pushed you to sit on the desk, pulling both your trousers and pants down at the same time. You kicked the air a few times to get rid of them but they hung from one of your ankles. It didn’t matter because his face was at its place. God bless you showered before coming here because you could have second thoughts otherwise.
“Okay, whatever the fuck you want, psycho.” You breathed as he lapped at your clit, still looking up at you.
His fingers creeped towards the inner side of your tight and you slapped him over the head.
“Uh, uh. I told you you could eat me out, not finger me. Yesterday you didn’t seem like the one to take shortcuts.” You spat, drinking up his frustration and slight… shame? Like a kid who did something wrong and got caught red handed.
“Fine.” He muttered pushing his tongue inside you. “It won’t take long anyway.” The grin was back on his face.
It indeed didn’t take long as soon, your legs were shutting tightly around his face. You weren’t even looking down anymore, the sight was a turn on but you were already overdriven. Your competitive nature was in a bliss and your head played fucking Katsuki Bakugo, on his fucking knees, between my fucking legs over and over like a broken record. You didn’t want to spoil your fun by thinking he may be having a merrier time than you.
Not now, not when you’re so close and his palms are grabbing your tights, fingers digging into your muscles so much it would hurt if not the tension. Edging your release, you grabbed his hair in a tight fist pushing him in more, crossing your legs like it would take an “open, sesame!” to undo them.
At last, with a final short breath you came chuckling and moaning. A Katsuki may have slipped past your lips but only once.
He tore your legs open, panting like he just finished a marathon. Looking down you covered your lips to hide the laugh. His face was wet, smeared all over with what was a mixture of you both. His cheeks were heavy with blood, an intense red cutting out on his pale face. Classically, his brows were knit together.
“Did you have to make such a mess?” The blonde stood up and went to his bathroom. You caught a glimpse of the bulge in his pants.
The sound of the faucet reached your ears.
“I’m not gonna say sorry. You asked for it.” And you were pretty good at it. No. Such praise would kill your ego.
The water stopped running and you heard him stomp back. You pulled your trousers on quickly, suddenly feeling awfully naked. What would happen now? Your casual friend just ate your pussy like it was his last meal before a death sentence, and you were supposed to go back to organising the sources.
You felt a hard push to the back of your head.
“Stop thinking about it and get back out.”
Eh?!
Time went on quickly and in a weird manner. A huge something was in the air but you couldn’t find a way to bring the topic up. Why did you eat my pussy out of the blue? Was it really just about the bet? Were you feeling horny and I just so happened to be there? Are we fwb now? Do you like me?
Scratch the last one. The man gave you a headache ever since his own head left your tights. Also, he was nowhere to be found. Katsuki didn’t respond to texts, he was absent from the gym during his usual hours, and his dorm room was closed. You couldn’t just go to Kirishima and say: hey, I’m trying to figure out why Katsuki gave me head, wanna help?
The moment you run into his fleeting ass, you're gonna squeeze out the answer.
An opportunity came soon when you spotted him sneaking into the laundry room. It was a cramped space with washing machines and dryers. Fortunately, you had little thieves around dorms so people usually left their washing while it was in progress. There was a big chance you’d be alone.
Running to the door you yanked them open and rushed inside. Indeed, it was only him crouched to the lowest washing machine, putting mostly black clothes inside.
“You’re here for round two?” He smirked and you gasped.
It took you by surprise, you expected yelling or awkwardness. Nevermind. You shook off your initial stumble.
“Can you explain what the fuck do you mean by all this?” You gestured in the air as if all this was a laundry basket and an empty bottle of washing liquid scattered on the floor.
Katsuki hummed, shrugging his shoulders. He dropped the halfway loaded laundry on the floor and crawled closer to you, gripping your hips in a familiar manner. This time, you were wearing a skirt. Your back hit the door.
“Tell me to stop and I’ll stop.” It fell from his lips as if he was asking whether you want vanilla or chocolate ice-cream.
Your mind ran in circles like a hamster in its ball. Start a fuss and possibly fight with Katsuki or let him do his thing and cum? Uhh.
He took your panties off completely, throwing them into his washing machine but left your skirt. Halfway in, when your chest was heaving and hips pushed further and further away from the door you heard a sound on the other side.
The doorknob shook and there was a mumble on the outside. You dug your feet into the ground and Katsuki put one of his hands to shut it closed. Yet, he didn’t stop what he was doing. Both of your palms also pushed into the thin wood making you unable to quiet the panting and loud gulps. You bit your lip and it would break if something wasn’t stuffed inside your mouth.
Taking a sharp breath through your nose, you smelled him. He stuffed your mouth with one of the shirts from his laundry. You threw him a dirty look from above to which he only smirked, going back down.
“It’s locked.” The muffled voice on the other side said.
“Maybe maintenance.” A different one answered.
When they were gone, you could finally cum, biting hard into Katsuki’s shirt. You steadied yourself on a drier afterwards while he wiped his mouth with a spare T-shirt before throwing all the leftover laundry inside the washing machine and starting it.
“My pants.” You breathed out, you were still coming back to earth.
“Ops.” He threw and with a single long stride, escaped the murder scene.
Your walk of shame in the short skirt, without panties on was long.
The third time you could talk to him happened only a day later.
You were studying with Kirishima, or more like tutoring him for free, in the library. Kirishima also had a single room in the dorms but his was far more trashy and you didn’t crave to spend time in that man cave. Instead you booked a private study room. It had a small round table, a few chairs and switches to plug in electric devices.
Halfway through your study Kirishima stated he needed to go to the bathroom. You nodded and the man left. Only after a minute did you hear the door open once more.
“A line in the mens’? Unbelievable.” You chuckled but upon looking up, you were met with a nasty grin.
“Kirishima told me you guys were studying.” He cornered you. “You know the deal.”
Katsuki slipped behind your chair as you whipped your head around to stop him. He placed both of his hands on your shoulders, surprisingly gentle.
“Just tell me to stop.”
Oh fuck you you pretty bastard. Is what you thought.
“Oh fuck you.” Is what you said and you wanted to add something but he pushed your upper half into the table simultaneously yanking the chair from under your butt.
It took a lick for your knees to get kinda soft and your morale to stumble between being a decent person or getting this unbelievably lucky chance for a third time.
“Can we at least do it after I finish with Kiri? I can come to your room as quickly as I am able to.” You whispered.
“Or you can call the dumbass and buy me a few minutes.” Katsuki muttered between your folds.
You cursed under your breath and grabbed your phone. Pick up, pick up, pick up, goddamn. Kirishima could be back any second. Although nothing terrible would happen if he came in on you, it would be embarrassing like hell. Finally, you heard his voice on the other side of the line.
“I’m just coming back, literally wait a second-”
“No!” You shouted into the device. “I mean.”
Katsuki seemed to slow down between your tights. Good, the bastard is not stupid and he cut you some slack this time.
“I’m sorry but I just really need a coffee, I thought you’d still be somewhere around the entrance.” You pieced together a makeshift excuse.
“I can go back. ‘Ts the least I can do for your help.” Kirishima laughed so genuinely it made you feel slightly bad for playing him like this.
“Yeah, uh, it really is boring like hell.” You laughed. The whole phone call made you unable to focus on Katsuki who was behind you and you really wanted to go back to minding him. “If I can be honest it would be lovely if you could bring me coffee from that cafe down and opposite of the library. You know which. I slept really bad and need their double espresso.” Kiri, please just say yes!
“Of course, anything for you.”
That sweetheart. Kirishima was really the perfect man, contrary to Katsuki who just now, at the very end of your call, decided to be an absolute asshole.
You felt two of his fingers push past your entrance and force your walls open. A breath got caught in your throat.
“Okay thanks, bye!” You smashed the end call button. “What the fuck are you do-”
But he was turning you around, lapping his tongue over your clit, moving his fingers in and out of your cunt all of which with closed eyes and a blissful look on his face. You gave in, because it felt so good.
After a while you finished all over his face, for the third time this week.
“I told you not to finger me.” You complained, dressing yourself in fear of Kirishima being too neat in his mission to get you coffee.
“I know and I didn’t like it. So I had to distract you.” He smirked, resting his hip on the table.
At that moment, Kirishima came inside with two paper cups, steam escaping the small opening in the lids.
“Oh, hi dude! I didn’t think you’d come here. I’d buy you coffee too.” Kirishima chirped.
“Forget about it, I was supposed to do something anyway. Just came in to say hi.” The blonde flicked his hand in the air. “Oh, and if you want-” He turned to you. “You can come to my room later and finish what we were talking about.” With that he slipped past the door leaving you with a grimace and Kirishima with a dumbfounded expression.
“What were you guys talking about?” The redhead asked.
“Nothing important, just about transplanting a small plant his mum gave him. I’ll help him later, he has already managed to nearly kill it.”
#bakugou x reader#katsuki bakugo x reader#mha bakugou#bakugou#katsuki bakugou#mha#bakugo#bakugou katsuki#bakugo x reader#bakugo smut
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My degree wont finish until September 2025 with results announced in November -> sucks because I wanted to go straight to a masters and they all start in October
One piece of advice i got from the uni help centre was if i don't do the specific long running module I'll finish my studies in time
Yes thank you I'll just not complete my degree why didn't I think of that
What masters is going to let me on if I don't actually have the degree because i skipped the actual geology project module lmao
#I promise I can write a dissertation no I don't have proof#the advantage is i can get an industry job for a year and teach myself relevant maths and python which gives me more masters options#(wtf is matrix algebra smh)#the disadvantage is i actually have to find the industry job and get it#been emailing to see if i could get a grade transcript by enrolment deadlines in october#I also don't want to have to leave it up for chance like maybe i'd get the letter wait and see because i'd move across the country for this
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I wish i could write
#not even a novel really#tho my dissertation technically fits novella size go figure#but idk#thinking of really cool writers like perec. otalo calvino. the guy who wrote les pierres sauvages and that other one#idk#maybe i can put my fascination for stillness into something useful#i need to start writing#ent talks
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A Series of Happenstance
Spencer Reid x House!Daughter!Reader
Summary: The three times Spencer loathed to see you and the one time he pleaded to Trope:Angst; think post Tobias Spencer Reid w.c: 5.2k Disclaimer: I am no way a medical personnel, least of all a psychiatrist so there will be medical inaccuracies A/N: this is part one of my house!daughter series and it’s angst, babes. Spencer is just mean and lashing out here which is totally understandable. It also took a while since writing such heavy pieces of fiction takes a toll on me but I hope, especially to the ones who were excited for this series, love it still. Comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated! 💗 masterlist
The first meeting
Spencer didn’t want to be here—here being in this cream colored, four cornered room, facing off the ultimate nemesis of profiler. Not an unsolvable case, not an unsub, but rather a psychiatrist contracted by the FBI for psych evaluation.
He was fine, he insisted to Hotch. He can compartmentalize well, he rationalized to Gideon. He just needed rest and the comfort of his own bed, he stated to the whole team. But protocols were protocols and his unit chief was a stickler to rules especially when it involved the care for his team.
That was how he found himself on a Tuesday afternoon, sitting in silence and watching the ticking of the clock as if it was the most interesting piece of art there was.
The tension was stifling. Spencer could almost see it tainting his vision red. Biting the insides of his cheek, he wanted to keep everything in.
No, he needed to.
He knew he was being rude, petulant even but for once, he didn’t have it in him to care. He didn’t know you. You were a complete stranger being paid by the government to report back any findings that could keep him out of the field. It wasn’t fair. You were just accepting the call of duty but you bore the brunt of his ire and hostile gaze.
In the normal setting, he would have found you intriguing. Your office colored in taupe—cold, distant, and linked to the desire to escape from the world but in the farthest side of the room was a shelf littered with books and small knick knacks that seemed to be collected over the years rather than curated to match the professional setting. The books ranged from published psychology dissertations, medical teaching materials, and collections of essays from well-revered and obscure writers.
You were dressed in black and white, standard for your importance, but your nails were painted in a pale pink color—close to looking natural but not quite. And lastly, your looks.
You were beautiful, don’t get him wrong, he may not have the same experiences as Morgan did with the opposite sex but he knows a beautiful attractive woman when he sees one. No, it wasn’t that, it was how young you looked—almost or maybe even sharing the same age as him.
A genius, then.
A prodigy in your own field just like him.
“Doctor Reid,” the low timber of your voice bringing him out of his musings. It sent a shiver down his spine when he first heard you speak. A reaction that he catalogued in his mind as a mystery to be revisited later on.
He subtly tilted his head to the side, an indication that you had his attention albeit reluctantly.
“Anything you say in this room is strictly confidential,” you gestured with your hand. “No file or notes will be passed to your unit chief or any personnels of the brass. I promise you.”
He scoffed, breaking his vow of silence. “That’s not a hundred percent true, Doctor. Lying to get your patient to talk can only get you so far.”
“I understand where you’re coming from but all I submit to the FBI is my conclusion if you’re fit to go back to work or not, patient-confidentiality still stands—” your delicate fingers feebly holding your pen. “Now, I sensed a little resentment. Is it coming from your self-loathing about having to choose a victim for Tobias Hankel or is it your displaced anger from separating with your team liaison, Agent Jareau?”
He glared at you. How dare you imply the seething anger from within him is directed at anyone but himself. “What? No, no, no. I’m not angry at anything or anyone! Maybe at you and this whole evaluation but never at JJ or—” he cut himself off.
“The suspect,” you continued on for him, jotting down notes on your black leather journal.
“The unsub. Unknown subject.” He corrected, second nature of him to do so. “We call them the unsub.”
You nodded, a lock of hair falling away from your bun. A distracting motion that momentarily rendered him speechless. “Alright. Are you angry at yourself and your decision to separate with Agent Jareau during the case?”
He scoffed but opted to stay silent. Spencer had already given too much of his emotion away by answering the earlier questions.
For any regular citizen, it may seem like the opposite but given the sound of you scribbling away on the pages of the notebook, you beg to differ.
You crossed your pant covered leg and stared into his eyes, a maneuver that could mean two things: 1) you were sizing him up, which was highly unlikely given the dynamics, regardless of his hostility or 2) you were trying to connect with him, a move backed by science that stated eye contact releases oxytocin—a bonding hormone.
A study he didn’t want to prove right at the moment.
“Do you perhaps feel remorse for the unsub?”
His left eye twitched. “Tobias Hankel.”
“Is there a reason behind why you’d prefer to call the unsub by name?” You further asked, having found a sore subject to poke and prod to elicit a reaction.
The answer was yes, of course. Tobias was just a victim as much as he, Spencer Reid, was—the unsub, in his eyes, was a victim of bad fate that resulted in fracturing his psyche but a shrink didn’t need to know that.
To be exact, the FBI didn’t need to know that he, an active and upstanding agent, felt remorse and guilt for not being able to save Tobias. Human emotion rarely had a place in bureaucracy and paperwork.
“How old are you?” Spencer nonchalantly inquired to throw you off his trail. “You look too young to be a Doctor contracted by the brass.”
You scribbled something again in your notebook before answering in a monotone voice as if your reply has been well rehearsed. “24, about to turn 25 and yes, I do look young. I graduated early due to my intelligence which I believe is the same case for you, Doctor—” you clasped your hands in front of you, leaning slightly forward. “—which brings us back to the topic, the anger inside of you, who is it directed to?”
His eyes shifted to the clock—5pm.
A small smile graced his face. The time was up.
“Well, I believe we’re done here, Doctor—” he proceeded to stand up, picking on an imaginary lint as he did so. “—I would say it’s been nice meeting you but that would be a lie you’d no doubt catch and analyze.”
Your lips pressed thinly together, imitating a smile but Spencer knew that move quite well—you were reining in any unsolicited and possibly inappropriate comment regarding his snappy behavior.
A small chuckle escaped his lips. If he, a profiler, considered you, a psychiatrist, his number one nemesis, there was no doubt you consider him the same.
As he was about to step out of the office, your slender fingers brandished a calling card.
“Here’s my number—” he gingerly took it as if it contained some unknown pathogen. “—and my door is always open when you’re ready to talk, Doctor Reid.”
He nodded once, a goodbye. “Doctor House.”
There was little doubt in Spencer’s mind that he’d never willingly stop by your office again but if he had been paying attention to your subtle patronizing words of farewell, he would have picked up that this encounter was far from over.
Especially when he found out on a busy Tuesday morning from Hotch that you had deemed him unfit to return back to the field—effectively barring him from the jet on its way to Idaho.
The second meeting
There was a series of rapid knocks on your office door.
As a psychiatrist with your own practice, it was highly unusual for clients to suddenly show up with no prior appointments or even a customary phone call.
It was a Tuesday morning and like clockwork, you’ve allotted the first half of the day in catching up with paperwork dealing with your office and evaluations for the FBI.
That gave you a pause, remembering a snipping agent who you deemed unfit for duty. Dr. Spencer Reid. The genius profiler who joined the ranks at the tender age of 22. A prodigy in his old field, just like you.
He was closed off, simmering with rage almost, and there was little doubt in your mind that he was the one behind the door, ceaselessly knocking. After all, when you sent in your evaluation directly to his unit chief, the stoic man’s face twitched with concern and maybe a little bit of annoyance in the paperwork it would entail.
“Come in,” you called out, hands clasping together on top of your desk. A perfect picture of professionalism.
The door swung open, revealing a tightly wounded Dr. Spencer Reid.
With a thick cardigan adorning on his body and a leather satchel draped over his shoulders to his front, he looked normal. But you knew better, his choice of outerwear represented a security blanket in the middle of September and his placement of satchel acted as a shield and its’ straps a stress ball. With just that one look you knew he wasn’t ready to back with his team.
“Dr. Reid, what can I do for you?” You asked, hand unclasping and indicating to the seat in front of you. “Please sit.”
Closing the door behind him, he shuffled closer to your desk but made no indication to sit down. “I’d rather stand, Dr. House, and I think you know why I’m here.”
A show of dominance. Right away, he wanted control the outcome of this conversation to his favor. It was textbook psychology, a taunt you wanted no part of.
A slight smile appeared on your face, one that could be translated as friendly for those open and condescending for those closed off. “I believe I don’t follow.”
“My evaluation, you made a mistake,” the left corner of his mouth lifting for a smirk. There was a vein visible on his temple, his anger and will to bottle it up manifesting physically.
You tilted your head to the side, unwavering in your gaze, hands clasped and index fingers tapping together. The pause and silence was a standard tactic to get a patient to break, similar to what law enforcement uses with suspects but results may vary especially when used on a seasoned profiler.
Right away, Spencer understood your tactic. “That won’t work. We use that in every case, I know the standard—” he looked around the room. “—should I lower the temperature too?”
You answered with silence. The agent in front of you now was no longer thinking clearly. His objective mind that would deem him fit to return for duty clouded with emotion, anger and something else.
His right hand touched above his left wrist. A subconscious move provoked by your unrelenting gaze. A move that gave away an important piece of information that his unit chief no doubt omitted in the reports.
Ah.
Tobias Hankel was a drug addict.
And in turn has subjected the agent in front of you to his vices.
You sighed. Suddenly the case no longer felt black and white, it was treading close to home as you remembered your father who’s abusing Vicodin in lieu of his leg pain. It was a sore spot for you—a clink in your armor.
“Sit, please,” you indicated to the chair in front of you again.
Spencer complied this time, having heard a change in your tone.
“Dr Reid,” you started. “I believe my evaluation of you is still correct—”
He opened his mouth to argue.
“—but, please let me finish, perhaps we can compromise. As a psychiatrist, it’s not in my practice to give in to my client’s demands but as you are not a regular client, I believe it would be beneficial for the both of us to reach an understanding.”
You walked towards the locked cabinet to your right. It was where you kept all medical equipments—including medicine for patients. Reaching back to the depths of the lower shelf, your hand brought out a non-descriptive black pouch from its hiding. You sat beside Spencer, effectively communicating that you are both on the same level.
“I will approve your return for duty as long as you come back for a couple of sessions, not FBI contracted, strictly confidential, and you—” handing him the zipped pouch before continuing on. “—get drug tested.”
Spencer narrowed his eyes. Perhaps he knew that his unit chief and mentor kept the delicate nature of his case out of the bureau and wondered how you pieced everything together. He underestimated you, you realized. A mistake on his end.
“I’m a psychiatrist, I know the signs Dr. Reid, and besides, I’m a genius just like you,” you adjusted your posture, slightly leaning back.
Check.
He smiled, one that you could say no longer contained malice. It was instead filled with resignation and relief. “You’re right. I underestimated you, Dr. House.”
Standing up, you dusted imaginary lint from your black pencil skirt before extending your hand out for a handshake.
He hesitated before reaching over shaking it once. His hands were rough and calloused from frequent holding of his gun but felt oddly warm and soothing. It represented who he was in your eyes—prickly and rough around the edges but soft and good on the inside.
As he exited your office with a soft thud of the door behind him, you admitted to yourself that you took a huge gamble. Rather than a checkmate, all you did was check his king. You didn’t ask if he had built his own stash of drugs after the case was finished. It was a risk you were willing to take just to take a step closer in getting the agent to trust you. Baby steps were better than nothing. You could work with that.
There was still the drug test you could rely on. A black and white piece of paper that would tell the truth if done at the right time. After all, the most important teaching your father, the older Dr. House, has imparted on you was—
Everybody lies.
The third meeting
The bar at the corner Main Street on a Friday night was a rare place for you to be. The echoes of its pulsing music could be heard a couple of shops away, luring bodies than the space could ever handle like it were Pied Piper and the people—by extension, you, were the unsuspecting kids. The lights were colored orange, giving the area a tint of good times and bad decisions. The aged brick walls discolored in a multitude of shades and the decorative posters were aimlessly nailed to the wall. There was a section far from the bar that was filled with moving bodies—people letting loose and exhibiting what you’d call a mating dance for anyone interested and beside the bar were two dart boards, popular with the crowd, but had seen better days.
This wasn’t your usual scene as you excused your way to the bar tucked at the center space. It wasn’t due to snobbery, like what your friend Kyle once joked, it was preference.
The sticky floor beneath your sensible nude heels had you wishing that your feet were tucked in a soft blanket with mind numbing television playing in the background instead of navigating the throng of people holding their drink of choice and inhaling the musky scent of liquor and sweat.
“Haven’t seen you around here,” a tenor voice flirted from beside you.
Your eyebrow raised as you took in the source—a burly African-American with a buzzcut. There was something distinct about him that set him apart from the rest. It wasn’t his built or the way his grey shirt stretched to fit around his biceps. It also wasn’t the twinkle in his eye as he tried to entice you to flirt back. One of his hands drifted down to his waist and with his wide leg stance, you knew.
A cop. An off duty law enforcement officer.
You laughed. “Does that line usually work on women, especially from—” you paused for suspense. ”—a cop?”
“Okay,” the stranger chuckled. “Close, want to try again?”
A smile stretched your glossed pink lips. You were never one to back away from a challenge—it was one of the traits you inherited from the other Dr House.
“Well, if we’re basing it on where the bar is located nearby and my fifty percent guess from a while ago, I’d say you were a cop—maybe for a couple of years, before joining the FBI. Maybe counter terrorism—” the memory of Dr. Reid talking about his team found its way to the forefront of your mind. “—or by any chance, the BAU?”
He could no longer hide the surprise from his face. “Right, that’s right. What gave it away? Was it my ruggedly handsome looks or are you just a mind reader?”
You thanked the bartender before trying to find your way out of the surge of people behind you, clamoring to place their order. The stranger stretched out his muscular arms, guiding you away from the bar towards his booth.
“Just a mind reader,” you simplified—an action that came as second nature to you. In the past, when you would disclose your job as a psychiatrist, people would react in two ways. One, they’d get subconscious that you’d read into every body language they’d have, causing them to shy away or two, they’d become over-zealous and ask you to diagnose them all in good fun like it was some sort of magician’s trick.
A mop of light brown curly hair parked beside a long blonde hair caught your periphery. He had his back turned but it was a presence you’ve slowly started getting familiar with. It was Dr. Spencer Reid, out in the natural setting, a first.
Your eyes slowly widened as you realized where he was guiding you and who he might be.
“Huh,” you uttered under your breath before flashing a smile to the stranger beside you. “Are you by any chance, Derek Morgan?”
“Okay, now you’re starting to freak me out. How’d you do that, Ms. Mind Reader?”
A different timber of voice answered. “It’s because I told her—” a pair of hazel eyes turned to you, filled with accusation. “—Dr. House. Are you keeping tabs on me?”
“Dr. Reid, I didn’t think I’d see you here.”
He scoffed. “In a bar? Near my office? The statistics on seeing me here is actually surprisingly high.”
He was hostile, understandably so as here you were, a stranger, who knows his deepest, darkest secret mixing in with the otherwise innocent parties of his personal life. It was no harm, caused no click in your armor—he’d been cooperative as of the late within the confines of your office but seeing you beyond the four corners of your taupe walls threw him off the loop.
“I’m so sorry, I don’t think I caught your name,” the blonde woman beside Spencer, flashed you a smile, hand stretching out for a handshake. “I’m Jennifer Jareau, but you can call me JJ.”
You shook her hand. “Ah, it’s great to meet you, Agent Jareau.”
“So, how do you know Spence?”
You smiled, unsure on how to disclose your psychiatrist-patient relationship with someone he works with. You didn’t know how much his team members knew about his scheduled Saturday meetings with you or if they even knew at all what Dr. Reid was going through.
From the past appointments, you’ve categorized the agent as an anxious avoidant type—something geniuses who grew up in a non-secure household tend to share. Yourself, included.
Your eyes glanced at Spencer before drifting towards the table behind him, subtly trying to figure out his choice of drink. You hoped it was non-alcoholic. He’d be suffering from withdrawals and if he clung to a substitute vice, you’d have to find a roundabout way to tackle the issue without pushing him to close off again. You didn’t need that, he was just starting to open up after all, plus if he stopped cooperating, you’d have no choice but to bring it up to his supervisors, jeopardizing his career.
A clear glass came into view as he shuffled his weight from one foot to the other.
Water. It was water.
You breathed a sigh of relief before slowly panning up, locking eyes with Dr. Reid. His gaze narrowed, having understood what you were checking on.
Checkmate.
“She’s FBI’s contracted psychiatrist,” he explained, jaw tight from anger.
You flashed him a little smile before averting your eyes in chagrin.
“I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you look a little to young to be a licensed doctor,” Agent Jareau observed.
“I graduated early.”
Morgan’s left hand pats your back while the other pats Dr. Reid’s. “Another genius, then. You’d get along great with our pretty boy over here. He’s always going on and on about facts and statistics—“
“No offense Morgan, but I don’t think we’d get along at all,” Spencer sneered. “I’d rather not get to know someone who has an ulterior motive.”
Your hand tightened around your glass. “It’s great to meet you, Agent Jareau and Agent Morgan but I think my friends would be looking for me,” you flashed the young agent a dejected smile. “Dr. Reid, hope to see you again soon.”
“I don’t,” he sardonically replied.
You nodded once before turning back to where you friends would be, settled in the four seater booth, unaware that you may have just burned the rocky bridge you’ve built with a patient in need.
The fourth meeting
A warbled hum roused you from slumber.
With one eye straining to stay open, the digital clock on your dresser displayed 12:21. Midnight—the time for humans to all be in stupor but based on the humming, subdued underneath your pillow, there was one exception.
You sat up, blindly reaching for the phone. There was no programmed name for the number and right away, an eerie feeling started swirling in your gut. This was no social call. A call this hour could only be one thing, an emergency.
“Hello. Who is this?” Your voice still rough from sleep.
No answer.
You pressed the phone closer to your ear, hard enough to possibly leave a mark. There were light rustles on the other end that indicated a presence, a person that wouldn’t or couldn’t answer your inquiry.
“Hello,” you tried again, voice raising at the end from tension. “Is anyone there?”
There was silence. The dread in your stomach further worsening as if group of bats decided to wreak havoc in its dark crevices. There was no indication that this was a prank call and there was also no indication that it wasn’t.
You bit your lip, torn between hanging up and waiting for an existence to make itself known. It could be nothing or it could be—your train of thought suddenly taking a sharp left turn to the corner that a certain FBI agent unknowingly occupies. You had given him your number, having scrawled it at the back of your calling card during the very first meeting, purely out of the goodness of trying to put back the broken genius that graced and intrigued your doors.
“Dr. Spencer Reid?” You hesitantly asked, hoping that your intuition was wrong. That this wasn’t the agent calling for help.
A deep groan answered.
“Oh gods,” you breathed out. “Okay, okay. Just—shit, just stay on the line. I’m coming, I swear. Just—fuck.” Your feet scrambled out of the apartment, never mind the lights or the chill that the midnight had cloaked the air with.
It was your worst nightmare. You knew what this call was, you knew his state on the other side of the phone by experience.
Hands trembling as you started the ignition of your car and speedily backing up the parking lot and out the streets in little time.
“Spencer,” formality be damned at this point as you turned a sharp right, your GPS indicating 8 minutes away from destination. “Spencer, are you still there?”
A light rustle replied.
“I’m almost there, hang on for me, okay,” your hand letting go of the steering wheel to push the tousled hair away from your face.
Each second felt like an eternity, each time passed threatened to push your mind into the fog of panic and memory of your very own father taking a whole bottle of Oxycodone and leaving a message for you and your grandmother. The panic, the fear, and the dread of that very moment had come back in two folds.
Your clammy fingers leaving pinch marks on the back of your palm. “Not now, not now,” you whispered to yourself. “I can’t have an attack now, keep it together.”
“Dr. House,” Spencer gravely slurred.
You haphazardly parked the car at the nearest available sidewalk space, uncaring if by some miracle you get ticketed. “I’m here, Spencer. I’m here.”
There was a groan as you hurriedly ran up the apartment stairs, grateful that the security below was surprisingly lax.
Third floor, get to the third floor. I need to get to the third floor—you repeated under your breath. You could have called an ambulance or better yet his team member, SSA Derek Morgan, but you felt the urge to make sure he was alright. To make him see that someone else besides from his mother and team care about him. To make him see that life was worth living, no matter the good or the bad.
“Spencer, I’m outside your door,” you tried to catch your breath. “Do you think you could let me in?”
And for a few seconds, there was only the tense silence before a series of gasps and groans crescendo’ed louder and louder from the phone speaker and on the other side of the door.
Shit. You knew what those grunts of pain and pleas meant, he was seizing.
Slamming down on the ground, uncaring if your exposed knees get bruised, you sent a silent thank you to your past self for leaving a hair pin inside the pockets of your sleep shorts. Breaking and entering was yet another skill set you learned from the other Dr House and his team of skilled doctors, you just never imagined you’d be applying that knowledge in breaking and entering a federal agent’s home.
The door unlocked and you barreled your way to the living space where a frightful sight greeted you—Spencer on the floor, laying still as if he was peacefully sleeping.
“No, no, no,” you slid beside him, mind cataloguing every detail for the right action. An empty needle near his exposed right arm and an empty glass bottle of Dilaudid.
No rise and fall of the chest.
And no pulse. Medical training kicking in, you tilted his head up, clearing the pathway, and started chest compressions.
One. Two. Three—
“C’mon, Spencer, breathe,” you grunted in between pumps.
One. Two. Three. Four—
You leaned down to his chapped lips, blowing air to his mouth. “I need you to breathe for me, okay. Breathe, Spencer.”
One. Two. Three. Four. Five—
“Breathe, c’mon Spencer,” you knew there was a high probability for the agent to have his own stash of narcotics and in by agreeing to keep his secret, lest he loses his badge, to get him to open up was a gamble. A risk you were now regrettably paying for.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six—
“Dammit Spencer, I could lose my license for this. Breathe, I need you to breathe.”
A sputtering of coughs escaped his lips.
“Oh thank you, thank you,” you breathed out, arms sagging from the pressure of performing CPR and the weight of fear that you might have been too late.
Spencer groaned. “Dr. House?”
You nodded, the salty tears blurring your vision. The image of him lying still was burned into your memory, the same way the mirage of your own father lying in a pool of his own vomit. He’s alive—they’re both alive.
Your hands angrily erased the rivulets the tears left behind on your cheeks. Now wasn’t the time to give in to relief and emotion. Although Spencer was out of the woods, there was still a huge uphill battle to tackle.
“I’ll carry you to bed, lean your weight on me,” you huffed as you helped him up the floor, making sure to take in most of his weight that you could.
The form of you, tears still streaming down your face and steps away from a breakdown, and his hunched form, weak and pliant, was a sight to behold. It was a sight after battle—after the white flag had been waved and the injured tying their best to find their way back to life.
It was sad. It was hopeful.
It was a brush on humanity’s eternal friend, death. Death that still loomed in the corners of the apartment, biding his time to take what was promised.
You laid him gently on the bed before running back to the spied kitchen, grabbing a glass of water. The smell of books permeated the air as if to try and bring your panicked mind back to the present. If it were any other day, you would have found yourself perusing his shelves of eclectic classic literature but this wasn’t the right time and place.
Your bare feet sliding across the floor to make its way back to the groaning figure on the bed, threatening to sit up.
“No,” you tapped his shoulder to get him back down. “I need you to rest.”
“But—”
“No buts Spencer. Rest, I’ll stay here.”
His drooping eyes reading yours, trying to find any type of lie that would break his being further than it already was. Spencer was a broken man and this was the first time you could see written in his eyes his plea for help and company. “You promise?”
“I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
His hands blindly groping across the bed spread before it found the treasure it was searching for, your hand. He enveloped his with yours, calloused fingers intertwining with smooth. A contrast that brought him comfort—you were here. You were real. You felt safe. You saved him.
He was alive.
And with that, his eyes closed to fall into a peaceful slumber, one that he hadn’t had in months.
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