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coucouatoi · 9 months ago

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don't want to be alone | h.s.

Pairings: Harry Styles x Reader

Summary: Divorcing the biggest superstar on the planet is the hardest thing you've ever done. Almost as hard as marrying him was.

Warnings: Angst, couples therapy, a little bit of fluff, hopeful ending

A/N: I don't know why I'm feeling so full of angst... but, please enjoy!

Flashback are in italic and present day is normal text

Boxes are littered around the house. Some full and taped shut others still being stuffed with your items. It's a slow and torturous process, having to choose what to take, what to throw out and what things are a conversation waiting to happen "That's a wedding gift from my aunt" or "When have you ever used that?" or even better "I know it was a gift, but I paid for it so i'll keep it". It's like he knows exactly which buttons to press to get the fights started. Granted you might be doing the same thing... But it doesn't make him entitled to all the belongings you've ever shared.

You've managed to find all the picture albums, the ones you decided to make for sentimental value. The ones you gifted him in tender moments. The ones filled with so much love, so much hope and promises for a future together. The ones you're now highly considering throwing into a paper shredder and tossing into the nearest incinerator. The ones you won't be able to get rid of. The anniversary album you gave him on your one year, the wedding album, the honeymoon album, the many travel albums and, of course, your daughter's first album.

Little Anya, barely 9 months old just starting to babble her first words. Chubby legs working so hard to keep her standing and exploring. She can barely take 3 steps one after the other but she's a fighter. Your little girl that is now a cause for argument, no, fights. Custody battles. The true war between yourself and your husband, Harry Styles. Neither of you want to lose or call for a tie, it's not how either of you operate in conflict. That, most likely, is the reason for the downfall of your relationship.

Frustrated you put the albums back where you found them and you head to the kitchen.

Most kitchen items have been packed up, Harry had never really invested in worthwhile cutlery or electronics of any sort. You take some orange juice from the fridge and pour a glass for yourself. The fridge itself is barren, with only the essentials left... neither of you has gone to the groceries in weeks. Today is not going to be a good day.

From the rediscovery of your love-filled albums to the boxes you've spent most of the day doing, you still have one horrible thing to do.

Couples therapy, your first-ever session. You thought, well still think, that this is too far gone to save in therapy. There won't be anything new shared that you haven't already screamed in each other's faces and self-help talks aren't exactly going to do the trick. Anne, Harry's mother, insisted that your marriage doesn't only include two people anymore. Anya makes it worth trying, she is worthy of a stable home as she grows up. No matter how unstable having a superstar parent may be, divorced parents might just add to that an unruly amount. So, you've both agreed to try. Try your very best to reassemble your love no matter how shattered it has become. Love. Love hasn't manifested itself once since about your seventh month of pregnancy. Love has vanished from your husband's once warm and inviting eyes, it no longer lingers on his fingertips and doesn't even creep into the more tender moments you must share with your baby. Love feels like a complete joke to you now.

The waiting room is empty of other clients which is a blessing in disguise. This is the absolute last place you'd want to run into Harries. Even if the media has already been dragging you in the mud for "breaking their dear superstar's heart" and has been making all sorts of claims about you and your marriage. In the very beginning, Harry had spoken up about these articles and had gotten his team to shut some people up but he's been losing care for... well, you.

"Harry and Y/N?" you look up meeting the eyes of who you can only assume is your therapist. Without sparring your husband a glance you get up and follow her into her office. It's cosy and smells like vanilla. There's a yellow glow to the room, it bounces off her multiple frames and decorations. Very nonthreatening, immediately putting you a little more at ease. She gestures for you to take a seat on her velvet green couch and you sit down squeezing yourself onto the left armrest. Harry does the same to the right.

"Good afternoon to you both, I am Trinity Finch. Can I get either of you something to drink before I sit down?" She smiles politely as her eyes shift between both of you. You only shake your head as an answer not trusting your stomach at the moment.

"Water if it's not too much trouble, please" Harry's voice is strained, he had been at the studio all morning probably preparing a new album you aren't aware of.

Trinity nods and quickly grabs a water bottle from a small fridge she's got right behind her desk. Harry mumbles a thank you as she hands it to him. You don't realise that his hands are shaking as you're back to looking around the room. He takes a few big gulps before your therapist gets to sit in her chair.

"Today I would just like to start with a history lesson on your relationship. How it started, all important moments, how parenthood has changed your shared life and just how you two are as a couple" She starts getting things ready around her, notebook, pens, highlighters, some sticky notes and you swear that you spotted some bright childish stickers. Her long manicured nails tap against the glass of her desk a few times as the silence stretches. Neither of you taking the first step in this session. When she looks up again she doesn't look annoyed or surprised by the lack of an answer.

"Harry, how did you meet your wife?" Trinity asks him gently.

Harry seems caught by surprise to have been asked a question directly. He looks at you briefly before turning his eyes back to her.

"Um, we meet on the plane. For some reason, my private plane for that day was not available and they booked me on a regular flight. Premium ended up being full and I got an economy seat. I had the aisle and she had the middle we ended up bonding over our shared movie choice. Then I asked her out and um here we are?" He ends with a question. As if unsure if "here" is a good thing, it's definitely not but meeting has, unfortunately, brought you both here.

"And when was this?" she asks.

"April 2018" he answers quickly. She nods presumably writing it down.

"How was your relationship before marriage Y/N?" she looks at you now with kind eyes. They are big and dark. Staring right into your soul. It makes you slightly uncomfortable but at the same time you don't want her to look away she's your lifeline right now.

"It was very easy. I work remotely as a translator and an editor, so I've always been able to tag along on his travels and tours. He, um, he always insisted that he rather have me with him even if we couldn't see each other every single day. Just knowing I was near helped him..." you sigh. You don't want to shed tears this early into your session. You don't want Harry to see you cry any more than he already has over your lost relationship.

"I really loved following him around the globe" you add, looking down at your lap willing your wet eyes to dry.

"Any fighting? How did you deal with that?" Trinity is still talking to you maybe even sensing that you're about to cry. Is that what she wants from this?

"Well, yeah. I mean all couples fight, right? We fought over the same things all the time really. I wanted more affection I guess pressuring him to take some time away from the spotlight or he wanted me all to himself whenever it worked with him without thinking of my work. Our jobs were the main reason for fighting between us" Besides you, Harry scoffs before taking another sip of water. Your head turns to him

so quickly that a sharp pain forms in the back of your neck. Your posture immediately tightens, muscles locking and your breath gets heavier.

"What? You don't agree?" you question him in a much harsher tone than you were previously using. He meets your gaze and shrugs.

"I do but that's not all we fought over" he shrugs again not looking away. Is he trying to pick a fight right now? Here of all places?

"Then what? What am I missing?" you prepare yourself for the worst. Ready to feel like absolute shit at anything he might say.

"Your constant jealousy was a contender for the most appearances in our fights" his entire expression is accusatory but he does this thing with his posture. Gets all soft and somewhat blazé making you feel inferior and so incredibly small.

You want to storm out. Call Anne to apologise that it couldn't work out and immediately sign the divorce papers that are permanently placed right on your dining table.

Not wanting to fuel this energy taking over him right now you shrug as well before facing Trinity again. She's watching both of you like a hawk, processing the way you react to conflict with each other. Making mental notes as well as some physical ones all while hostility happens between her clients.

"We'll move on from this for now. Harry, how was the wedding? How did married life change your bond?" this seemingly calms his overgrown ego. His face is neutral again but there's a softness to it now, recalling the happy days.

"We had an Italy wedding. We, I love Italy. I flew everyone out, our families and friends, and then we stayed there for a month more for our honeymoon. The wedding itself was... amazing. We kept it small. Intimate. With my life it's always been hard to have that so, it was important to us" he sounds blissful towards the last part. Probably back there now in his mind. Ah, the good old days as they say.

"I don't think married life changed us much. We were living together before that and we'd been planning it since we got together practically" he stops talking again to take another sip of water. You look at the lady in front of you again and as she begins to open her mouth to probably question him more Harry starts talking again.

"I guess tension started about a year in. The media wasn't kind to her. They made up cheating rumours on both sides and manipulated things to make them seem like something else. Someone even showed up at our old house while I was out" he took a deep breath, cracking some of his knuckles at the same time, "We were always on edge around each other. Throwing these rumours at one another just to I don't know, get a reaction? Plus, we were stuck at home because of Covid and my tour was postponed. It was a real shit show" he laughs bitterly and you nod along to what he was saying. That was just a terrible time. For everyone.

"Then I got to go on tour, Y/N didn't follow along for all of it but she was there most of the beginning. It wasn't the same as before. There was this distance that just never got better. And then she got pregnant" he almost sounds exhausted. Maybe he is, you're not sure how much he's slept lately.

Shit. Fuck. This can't be happening now. Shit! The word "Pregnant" seems to be mocking you as you look down at it. Mocking the fact that you and Harry have not seriously spoken in two days and that you're flying back home tomorrow. Mockingly reminding you that this can only make things worse right now.

"Y/N, come on the car is waiting downstairs" your husband's voice is weak through the thick hotel bathroom door. He's performing in Toronto tonight. The second day, the last day before he flies to New York and you go back to London.

You walk out of the bathroom, straight past Harry, not wanting him to read your face and figure out that something is terribly wrong. You slip into your shoes for the night and take a deep breath, no scratch that, a huge breath. Willing your facial expression to cooperate before you turn to him and smile.

"Let's go superstar!" he smiles back and walks over to you. Grabbing your hand and bringing it up to his mouth so he can plant a kiss on the back of it.

"We just might have to cancel tonight if you look this good" his free hand wraps around you tightly glueing you to his body. You know he doesn't mean it but you pretend to consider it nonetheless.

"Mh what about all your adoring fans? Won't they be so utterly crushed?" you tease against his lips. He smiles wickedly before slowly nodding.

"I do have quite the engagement this evening... how about I make it up to you after?" he presses soft kisses to the sides of your face. Framing it.

"That's a pretty good offer, I just might have to tak-"

"HARRY STYLES GET YOUR ASS OUT OF YOUR HOTEL ROOM!!" Jeff's voice is full of annoyance as it cuts you off. Rude.

You laugh before getting pulled out of the room by your husband. The small plastic stick forgotten on the washroom counter for now.

You get a harsh reminder tho when you're back at the hotel after yet another amazing concert. You're laying on the bed completely stretched out and now only dressed in your underwear. Harry's currently using the washroom to try and get some of the remaining glitter off his face when he finds the secret you've kept all evening.

"Y/N, what's this?" his voice is so shaky that you barely even understood what he asked you. However, when you look up your brain catches up. He's in his boxers, left hand in his hair and right hand holding the test like it's made of glass as he looks at it as if it's going to explode. Fuck.

"No chance that you suddenly lost the ability to read?" you try and lighten the suddenly very heavy mood in the room. It fails.

"You're pregnant. How, I mean no I know how. Fuck, you're pregnant" he looks up at you panicked.

"We don't have to keep it" is the first thing out of your mouth. Probably as a panic response to his reaction. Not wanting this to turn into another fight.

"What?! Why wouldn't we, you don't want, I um" he takes a second. He's just breathing heavily while looking at you desperately. "You don't want to keep it?" he breathes out.

"You do?" is all you answer. You stand slowly, finding the clothes you just took off to put them back on. Whatever mood you were in is gone you're now filled with anxiety and a deep fear.

"You leave tomorrow... We won't see each other for what 3 months? In Mexico?" he hasn't moved an inch. Feet seemingly glued to the floor and limbs were frozen.

Pregnancy. One of the worst and best times of your life. Your gorgeous baby girl came out of all the pain you suffered. She gave a new meaning to the way you live, made you forget about all the physical pain you endured and...

"Why do you say it in that way? Like you still dread what the pregnancy brought" Trinity's voice almost startles you. You'd been so lost in your thoughts that you'd almost forgotten where you were.

"I don't! I love Anya" his voice is stern.

"What about your wife? What happened during the pregnancy?" she's digging. Wants to find the right buttons to push.

Harry stammers, but no answer seems to satisfy him. His hands are squeezed under his things, his right leg bouncing and his eyes avoiding either of you.

"We didn't plan her, I was right in the middle of my tour. We, um, we weren't doing very good and she was about to go home" he looks at you suddenly surprising you when he meets your eyes. You can't read him, can't understand what he's feeling. You haven't been able to read him in months.

"She- You, Y/N, she got really sick in February the seven-month mark. I was in Australia and I couldn't be there. It really strained us, we fought all the time over the phone and in person. I guess that's really when we went downhill" his jaw tenses when he looks away from you. Looks like he's not happy to have to have shared this with the room.

"Okay, thank you, Harry. I think now's a great time to take a breather. I'll meet both of you individually when we come back. So, see you both here in 20 minutes?" Trinity smiles at both of you and keeps smiling until you both walk out.

Harry doesn't come back. You wait 45 minutes in Trinity's office looking like an idiot. She dismisses you with a look of pity on her face before scheduling another appointment 5 days later, lots of work to do you assume. You rush out of the building humiliation creeping into every inch of your body. How could he do this on the first day? It was going fairly well, well you think so anyway... did he give up on your relationship right then and there?

As you make your way to your car you see him. Harry is pacing back and forth in front of his car as he seemingly argues on the phone. His free hand waves erratically in front of him, gesturing like mad for someone who can't even see him. So this is what he's been doing? Arguing over the phone while you sat in a therapist's office waiting to try and work on your ever-crumbling marriage. You scoff before turning away from him and to your car. But nothing seems to be on your side today as your husband hears you and immediately calls out to you.

"Y/N! Why are you leaving?" you hear him walk towards you, the clacking of his shoes getting closer to you but you ignore him and walk away faster.

You're completely focused on your black Subaru, the "You're so Golden" sticker catching your eye and making you more pissed off. Something that was put there because you loved the song, because of how beautiful your husband's voice is in the song but now all you want to do is rip it right off. So, that's what you do.

Your nails claw at the edges of it desperately. You don't want any reminders of Harry on your car, you don't want to think of him while putting the groceries away, while walking around the car after putting Anya in her car seat and you don't want to see it in your rearview mirror anymore. The top corner lifts as you're pulling at it giving you the perfect leverage to rip it right off. You throw it to the ground right before turning around to stare daggers into Harry's eyes.

"45 minutes, Harry. I sat there 45 minutes with our therapist looking at me like a beaten dog!" you hiss at him. He is now only about 2 or 3 feet away from you. His eyes are wide, in shock you guess, as he looks at the sticker. "What could you have possibly been doing for more than an hour that made you forget what we were here for?" you're sure you sound desperate right now. Your head is all over the place and your heart feels like it might explode out of your chest.

"An hour? I, no, that couldn't have been more than-"

"You can go back up and ask her if you want because I really really don't want to be around you right now" and now you're crying. Fuck. Why are you crying now? You need to leave.

While rummaging in your bag for your keys Harry grabs your arm. Well maybe not grabs, he just places his hand on you, resting it there delicately. If you weren't so aware of every single inch of your body right now you wouldn't have noticed. No matter how delicate the touch is supposed to be you flinch out of it aggressively.

"I'm, I'm so sorry Y/N. That was my mother, she, fuck" he sighs and runs a hand in his hair gripping it tightly. "She wants us to go up... she's rented a lake house or something I guess" his voice is so soft, shy even.

"Us? You mean you and Anya?" god you hope so.

"I'm so sorry" is all he answers.

Anne Twist is a very difficult woman to say no to. Actually, it's impossible to say no to her. In the many years you've known her, she's always been able to find a way to make you say yes. Always in a good way. She loves you, she has told you that countless times, and you love her but now that you're... the way you are with her son you don't know where you stand. Yet, she has still found a way to get you to agree to something you would have much rather not have gone to. You're in a small townhouse almost 4 hours away from your home in London with your mother-in-law, your daughter and your soon-to-be ex-husband. What has your life come to?

Anya is sitting in her high chair passionately eating banana slices as you watch her. She's already gobbled up the strawberries and pita bread slices she also had for her snack. She's such a good eater always so ready to try new things and taste whatever the adults around her eat. Especially the sweet treats her dad sneaks her.

"Do you want to go take a dip after huh? We should enjoy the water my love" you coo at her as she takes her final bite of food. She smiles at you like she understood what you asked and you chuckle wiping her chubby cheeks and hands. She'll be able to float around in the water for a little bit with you before you put her down for a nap. The steps of your morning are perfectly planned so that you can have your solo Zoom session with Trinity.

There is a small river behind the house you're staying in. The water goes up to just above your breast and it's the perfect warmth at this time of day. You've made your way down to it and are now setting up Anya's towel for when she'll be too tired to entertain you and ready for her mid-day snooze. She's currently lying right by you looking up at the sky with such curiosity, probably trying to figure out what the hell clouds are.

"You're so curious my love!" you shake her gently as you smile widely. "What do you see up there?" as you look up to join her sky-gazing you spot Harry making his way to the river as well. He's only got very short grey swimming trunks on meaning his entire chest, thighs, calves, and arms are out for the whole world to see. Maybe that's an exaggerated statement as you're the only one looking right now. You want to scold yourself for staring, you really really do but he's just so... so captivating and very enjoyable to look at no matter how much you resent him at the moment.

"Mind if I join you ladies?" his voice is more cheerful than when you heard it last. Must be because he's actually speaking to and looking at Anya.

However, when you don't answer his question he looks up at you. Expression now closed off again, how it's always been for the past few months. You smile politely and nod before turning your back to both of them so you can take your robe off. Your swimsuit isn't anything special; simple black one-piece that's high on the hips and low on your back. You think it looks pretty good on you but now you feel very aware of the amount of skin you're showing. You decide to just get in the water hoping its dark colour hides you. Hides away the skin your husband might be looking at.

"Looks like mummy is in a hurry, we should join her. What do you think sweetheart?" Harry picks your baby up and makes his way into the water. He holds her tightly to his chest as he climbs in, just in case he slips on the stones he uses as stairs. Once your daughter's chubby limbs meet the water her mouth forms into an adorable "O" shape. It's the second time Anya's been in the water now so she must still be unsure about this feeling. Harry turns her so that her front faces you and her back is against him. She smiles when she spots you reaching her arms out quickly which splashes some water around. She looks at you with a shocked expression and does it again with a giggle now.

"You little troublemaker! Trying to splash me!" you tease her sending some water her way. She answers with a sweet giggle and shakes her arms around as fast as she possibly can.

"Mh, my jokester gene is strong in her" Harry's voice is laced with pride. You playfully roll your eyes at him and hum affirmatively.

"And her love for singing too" you add remembering so many moments where she hums to any song playing. Her favourite thing to do is to harmonise with her father. His deep voice always gets her attention, always gets her to mumble and hum along with her own lyrics.

"Oh yes, she's the next big thing this one" he affirms kissing the top of her small head affectionately.

It's in moments like these that you tend to forget how bad it is between you. How many horrible things you've shouted at each other not caring how deep your words could cut. The accusations, the insults, the taunts and even the lies still weigh heavy on both of you. You like these softer moments, where you're reminded of how much love you both had for each other. Have? Had? You don't know anything about your feelings anymore, they are much too complicated to understand...

All three of you stay in the river for about an hour more before Anya starts yawning and fussing. When you exit the water you're quick to slip your robe back on still overly aware. Harry wraps the fluffy towel you had gotten ready around your baby. Her head rests in the crook of his neck, her eyelids already heavy as she blinks slowly. You all walk back to the house together silently. Might it be to keep the sleepy baby calm or to keep the peaceful aura around you and your husband, you don't know.

Harry insists that he will put the sleepy girl to bed and that you should take a shower first. After all, you have the first private sessions with your therapist. The mention of her does make the air in the townhouse tense again but Anne appears immediately to kiss Anya before she naps. You use that moment to sneak into your shared room with Harry. Luckily, it has two single beds so you don't have to share with him.

Signing deeply you rid yourself of the now damp robe you had on. Another blessing in disguise, this room has an en suite bathroom so you'll be able to jump right into the shower. Before that you do want to set up your laptop for the video call, you want to be as ready as you possibly can be. You grab your device from your backpack and make your way to the small desk in the corner of the room. There's a bunch of papers scattered around it, one glance at them and you immediately know what they are.

Lyrics. Drafts of songs and melodies written by your rockstar husband. You don't mean to read any of the words you really don't but as soon as you spot your name at the top of one of the pages you're doomed. You put your laptop down on Harry's bed which is right next to the desk and reach for that exact paper.

The words you read are full of longing, pain, sadness and fear. They mourn love, they are mourning your love. You pick up another sheet of paper, this one has no title but there are so many lines written. This one is reeks of self-hatred, of shame and guilt... it shakes the weak barriers you've built around your heart. All of the lyrics you read on different papers revolve around the same emotions. These are all about your relationship. About the death of it. About his desire to turn around. You don't realise you're crying until a tear falls onto the paper you hold. The ink bleeds into itself where it's been wet blurring the words slightly. You quickly wipe your face and put the papers down. You shouldn't be looking at these, you're invading his privacy.

"Thought you were showering" Harry's voice startles you out of the chair. You meet the floor with a loud thud. Your tear-filled eyes meet his sharp ones. Scrambling up to your feet you grab your laptop ready to explain, ready to apologise over and over again.

"At least tell me what you think" he sighs walking into the bedroom and shutting the door behind himself. This shocks you. What does he mean? He, he's not mad? Isn't disappointed that you invaded his creative space? Your mouth opens and closes a few times unsure what you should answer.

"I'm sorry" is all you're able to get out. Your brain is blank in absolute fear but tears keep falling from your eyes.

"I should be apologising... you, you weren't supposed to see those" he walks in your direction slowly, testing the waters of how close you'll let him get. He's closer than arm's reach when you flinch backwards slightly and he stops immediately.

"I was going to ask you for your permission before making any of those full songs but you know music is how I cope" he whispers now that he's so close to you. Silence takes over the room again, stretching out for too long. Your eyes somehow keep producing tears as you try and speak. Hopelessly searching for words to say.

"Do you really miss us? You miss me?" is what you come up with, your voice is so shaky that you're on the verge of sobbing uncontrollably.

This shocks Harry in place, seemingly not prepared for that kind of questioning from you. His mouth gapes and his eyes grow wide. This time you do see his hands start shaking. You're not entirely sure what this emotion is.

"Of course I do. Did you not think so?" while still whispering he reaches out to hold you but stops himself hands falling at his sides.

"Yo- Harry, you asked for the divorce. How was I supposed to know you miss me?" your voice breaks. You don't understand, why is this happening now, why is he saying these things?

"We should just get a divorce" Harry snaps at you as he fights back tears. Your expression immediately closes up, your body reacting before your thoughts and words do. Protecting you from what he just said, building walls around you and your heart as quickly as possible.

"Fine" you spit out as you turn away from him and walk straight out of your bedroom. If that's what he wants then so be it. You won't beg for anything now that he's made his decision.

"I know, okay? I know that I asked for it and that it's the reason why you don't talk to me anymore. Well, you do but not really" he sighs and sits down on his bed, damn swim trunks wetting the bed "We talk about Anya and when we're not we are yelling at each other... so when was I supposed to tell you that I missed you? That I regretted asking for the divorce..." he looks at you with a guilty expression, all his emotions are coming up at once.

"Why did you ask for it?" you ask him sitting back on the desk chair with your laptop still in your hands.

"I got in my head. You were saying we should take some time for ourselves maybe live apart... with everything that kept being said about us, I got so scared" he takes your laptop out of your grip and puts it down next to him.

"I thought you were going to fight me on it..." he adds as he grabs your hands tenderly. Like he's afraid you'll break.

You shake your head in disbelief not sure what to say. Your thoughts are all over the place, what should you make of this?

"It broke my heart" When did his face get so close to yours? You should really move away. You can't fall back into him, you can't let yourself do that. So you pull away from him roughly, your hands tugging out of his hold, face moving to the side, a sob making its way out of you as your back meets the chair-back.

When you meet Harry's eyes you can see the pain, the hurt, in them. They are brimming with tears that are so close to spilling out.

"Are we... are we too broken?" his voice has dropped to a whisper. He sounds so sad and scared.

"I'm worried" You take in a few breaths before you speak again, "What if we just end up hurting each other again? What if we can't go back?" you choke out the last few words. Tears spill endlessly out of your eyes and sobs rack your entire body.

It feels like you're running out of air and the little bits you get in are painful. Your eyes burn as you cry and your hands are shaking like crazy.

Harry might be answering or trying to communicate but nothing is making its way past your meltdown. What does make it through is the feeling of his arms around you. Him pulling you against his chest tightly, immediately rubbing your back as soothingly as he can. Your hands are grabbing his still bare skin desperately, wanting to anchor yourself in any way you can. Your face rests on his peck, right above his heart, the frantic beating bouncing around your head.

"Breathe, you have to breathe love" he speaks delicately in your ear, breaking through the barrier your body has put up.

"I'm- I'm, I can't... Harry I can't" your clawing at him almost trying to get under his skin, someplace you might be able to understand everything that's going through his mind.

He wiggles around a little before laying you both down as he keeps reassuring and encouraging you. He drags you on top of him your face now pressed up against the juncture of his neck. Your left-hand makes its way into his hair, pulling at it as softly as you can manage. Harry's hands run up and down your back, your arms, and your neck and he even pets your hair delicately. He's always known how to best calm you down... how to bring you back down to earth and out of the panic attacks you sometimes get when you're overwhelmed.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry" he repeats that over and over with a pained desperation. Harry's scared shitless too. He doesn't know how things will go with your relationship. He can't guarantee that you won't end up actually wanting a divorce one day... But he can love you. He has and will keep loving you. He hopes it'll be enough to save your marriage. He'll work incredibly hard every single day to prove his love for you... if you let him back in he won't ever let you go. He'll leave it all up to you. Your little family is all he needs, he'll spend the rest of his life proving that to you if that's what it takes.

#harry styles #harry styles x reader #harry edward styles #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x you #harry styles angst #harry styles fic

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just-a-ghost00 · 21 days ago

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Which good news are coming your way?

Group 1

Ace of wands, XI-Justice, 2 of cups, 8 of pentacles, 9 of pentacles

If you were going through a period of trials and tribulations, no matter which area of your life was impacted, know that this phase is coming to an end. Balance will be restored and you will receive retribution regarding a situation that you experienced as unfair and hurtful. You are coming out of this situation victorious. This may especially be true for those of you that were unfairly treated in a work situation and/or within a relationship. You will be entering a period of abundance and productivity. A shift is happening in your energies and your reality will thus be affected by it. You may feel more driven, inspired, joyful. You may notice that people are being more sociable when you are around. You may receive communication from one or several people that you hadn't heard of in a while. A renewal may be going on within a connection. If you were in a situation where a person wasn't reciprocating your time and energy, your feelings and interest, their behavior will change. If you were feeling like you were not being supported by people around you, you will notice that this tendency is being reversed. You may start getting help in unexpected ways, without even having to ask for it. Your hard work will be paying off, whatever area of your life you were working on. If you were trying to manifest any specific project or partnership of any kind, be prepared to receive a positive answer. There could also be new opportunities arising as well as creative ideas. This will be a prosperous time for you and I feel like many of you have been waiting for this for a long time. This is more than well deserved and you can be proud of yourself for the journey you've been on, all that you have accomplished along the way. You are phenomenal!

Group 2

3 of pentacles, 10 of wands, knight of cups, 8 of pentacles, Justice

Your energies and cards are a bit similar to those of group 1. If you were drawn to that group, that may be a sign for you to check it out as well. I get the feeling of someone being sick and tired of always getting the shorter end of the stick in life, especially in relationships. Of being frustrated and burnt out because they are constantly giving and carrying the weight of the relationship on their shoulders, only to be receiving so little in return. If that is your case, you will receive support and rewards for your constant efforts from a person that you may not have thought would return the favor. You will be surprised that this person actually cares enough to give you back what you have invested. Not only that, but they will give you more than what you expected. I'm hearing "it's the least I could do considering all that you've done for me". I pick up on the energy of somebody that is a care giver and that has sacrified most of their life to help others ascend and thrive. It's now your time to shine, I'm hearing. You will now be receiving a fair return of the energy and time you have been giving so willingly, out of pure generosity. That may come in the form of financial abundance, of advice and encouragement from your community, of new uplifting connections, in the form of shared moments of happiness or declarations of love. If you were the main source of income within your home, someone else will now take the lead for you to be able to lay back and relax. Someone will spoil you and treat you like royalty. There may be parents among you. Your children may give you back as a way to thank you for your service and care. Also, if you had been fighting for a legal matter, you may receive good news about that as well. For some of you, a younger water sign may be significant. You will no longer be the only one assuming the responsibilities in your situation, whatever that may be about.

Group 3

High Priestess, 5 of pentacles, King of cups, Chariot, Judgement

Okay, here the energy seems to be clearer and I can sense that the main focus here is relationships, compared to the previous group where things were a bit more general. A significant movement will be made regarding a connection after a time of uncertainty, of no contact and being left in the dark. You will gain clarity regarding this situation and be able to move forward without any regret. With the judgement and the chariot combined, I get a sense of freedom. Whatever you may learn about will set you free, whether it is with or without this person in your life. This may especially resonate with you if you have significant water placements in your chart, more specifically if you have Scorpio or Cancer placements. I feel like for some of you, you will not wait for the other person to give you clarity and decide to make the decision for them. In other words, you will cut ties with this person whether they like it or not, to focus on your own self and well being. You will choose yourself over this person because you have decided that you gave them enough time and chances to make their decision, which they have not done. And you are done waiting for them to make a move. For others, maybe that might be a different dynamic, in the sense that instead of moving away from this person, you may be rushing towards them. That could also be coming from the other person's side. It depends on your situation. Also, your spiritual gifts may be honing during the upcoming months. I feel like you will no longer let yourself be fooled nor let your own perceptions cloud your judgement of this situation. I felt the need to clarify the 5 of pentacles and the Chariot. The 5 of pentacles was clarified by the 6 of pentacles. You felt left in the dark and felt like something was missing because you were not in a balanced connection. This person wasn't giving you what you expected and deserved. As for the chariot, it is clarified by the 9 of swords. Since we're talking about good news, I feel like this card means that you will move on from overthinking and will no longer cry over this person's lack of investment. If they won't see your value, then it's their loss.

#just-a-ghost #pick a card #pac reading #spiritual pac #tarot reading #Spotify

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fairuzfan · 1 year ago

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im trying to ask all different kids of accounts bc i can't get one solid answer - how would u specifically define zionist? do you think the people who are currently israelis (and are not west bank settlers, may they all be tried for their crimes) should be able to live in a decolonized palestine?

I had to take a couple of days mostly because I was trying to find a single concise answer for you in a citation. Before I give you a definition of a Zionist, I must first describe what Zionism and it's implications are. Here is Ismail Zayid's "Zionism, the myth and the reality" (click).

The very first couple of paragraphs of the book, he says:

Zionism, as a modern political creed, grew in close association with three interacting major forces which exercised a profound influence on the character and nature of the Zionist movement, resulting in three basic qualities characterizing this movement, namely: settler colonialism, expansionism and racism.

The first of the three major forces was the growth, in the nineteenth century, of European colonialism and imperialism and the expansion of the colonial settler regimes. The alliance made between Zionism and European colonialism is clearly attested to by both sides, identifying reciprocal benefits in the alliance. Herzl, in his "Der Judenstat," expressed clearly both the racist nature of Zionism as well as its role as a settler colonial outpost: "We should, there, form a portion of the rampart of Europe against Asia, an outpost of civilization as opposed to barbarism. We should, as a neutral state, remain in contact with all Europe, which would have to guarantee our existence."

There's more in the book that I can't type up lol, but in essence a Zionist subscribes to the idea of Zionism itself, and insists on the establishment of a settler colonial entity whether passively or actively.

Zionism is a settler colonialist movement, as stated by the founder of the movement for Zionism, Theodore Herzel (quoted above in the smalltext). It modeled itself after much of the European colonialist strategies, enforcing borders and nationalities on a previously border-lose world. I mention the making of borders as a fundamental part of colonialism because by rejection of those borders as a concept, we start to imagine the world in a post-colonial universe. Sherene Seikaly makes this point in her book "Men of Capital" in the introductory chapter:

But in such a search, it is almost inevitable that nationalism—its “lack,” its “strength,” or its “weakness”—will stand as a metonym for politics. In some renditions, the weakness of normative nationalism—a “political deficiency” and a lack of a national “spirit”—resulted in, as the leading historian of collaboration continues to argue, the catastrophe of 1948. In response, scholars have documented a national project among the Palestinians. This work is invaluable and has shifted the terms of debate as well as our understanding of the social and cultural geography of the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries in Palestine. However, to continue reveling in the marriage between national consciousness and politics reifies colonial epistemologies. Moving beyond nationalism as both the means and ends of politics is long overdue. Certainly, nationalism was one aspect of subjectivity formation, but it was not the only way to make politics. What I seek to destabilize here is not whether Palestinians were sufficiently national, but to ask why that sufficiency and/or its lack continues to be the measuring stick for whether people can remain on the land they resided on for centuries. Must people’s investment in the random and shifting borders that imperial and colonial officials drew determine their status? Are there other ways to think about politics outside, beside, underneath, and alongside this national prism?

I've said this multiple times before on this blog in different ways, but I'll state outright: I reject the notion of nationalism as a way for us to authenticate Palestinians' claim to the land they've lived on for centuries, as Seikaly mentions. Zionism's core goal is the establishment of such borders is aligned with European colonialism's core goals: division of the world so that they may categorize itself within the world's hierarchy.

Now, the core saying in the Free Palestine movement you often hear is "From the River to the Sea." This, basically, is a rejection of the establishment of those borders as a necessity for the Palestinians to be recognized. Zionism relies on border-making for it to be an actual thing. Without borders, Zionism would not exist. Which is why the "Balfour Declaration," that had essentially districted and redistributed Palestine is often referenced by both Zionists and antiZionists. Balfour, a well known racist and antisemite, had advocated for the establishment of a "Jewish State" not because he really cared what happened to either party — but specifically so that he could get the Jewish people of Europe.... out of Europe.

Seikaly mentions this in "Men of Capital":

However, we should qualify its meaning to get at the specific condition of Palestinian invisibility in colonial epistemologies. Zionists of the late nineteenth century did not imagine that there were no people on the land of Palestine, but rather that they were not a people. Theodor Herzl described a set of caricatures that inhabited what he called the land of Israel: the wealthy effendis who could be had for a price and the remaining impoverished peasants who could be smoothly removed without incident. These people were a motley crew without anything defining or unifying them. Zionists from various political leanings did not share Herzl’s confidence that the people who lived in Palestine would not be attached enough to its land to resist their displacement. However, the Zionist emphasis on the lack of a politically coherent and distinct people in Palestine who deserved to make claims to the land on which they had resided for hundreds of years would continue apace. The caricatures of the effendi and the peasant, as well as the depiction of the Palestinians as insufficiently rooted, continue to have currency. In the meantime, Zionists were hard at work shaping a cohesive settlement community around a new ethno-national understanding of what it meant to be Jewish. They called themselves the Yishuv. Zionism promised Jews who had suffered religious, political, and racial persecution for centuries in Europe that they could finally become European but only by leaving Europe. Anti-Semitism and Zionism had one thing in common: the belief that Jews could never assimilate in Europe. The process of becoming European by realizing a settler colony would be an abundant source of persecution: For the Palestinians it entails ongoing erasure; for the eastern (Mizrahi) Jews who did not fit the Ashkenazi (European) mold, it has meant decades of marginalization; and for the Ashkenazi, it required killing centuries of tradition, language, and culture to fit the template of the new Jew.

So now you know that Zionism is, at it's core the establishment of borders to reinforce itself as a colonialist entity — thereby enforcing a separation between the colonized and the colonizer that can seem material, but is, in fact, immaterial. Zionists are people who ascribe to the ideology that a Settler Colonial "Jewish State" must exist, and that its establishment is necessary for whatever reason, thereby enacting those borders and displacing the indigenous populations. But what does a post-colonialist society look like if we no longer have these regional borders and nationalism as we've come to understand it?

Palestinians argue for the Right to Return to their homes. I have family members that cannot see the places they were born in because they were kicked out and not allowed to return. I think, for these people especially, it's only natural that they be allowed to return.

You ask if people who are currently live in Israel should be able to live in a decolonized Palestine. Short answer: yes. Of course. There is no reason to reject these people who are willing to live in a decolonized Palestine.

Long answer: still yes but I'm going to re contextualize it a little.

We've established that a decolonized Palestine is one in which borders are irrelevant, as is the current version of nationalism, and no need for categorization. In a decolonized Palestine, as long as you are not a perpetrator of a "crime" (I put that in quotations because of the current colonial implications, but I lack a better word for it) that makes you — and not your grandparent/parent — directly responsible for colonization — like as you mention, settlers who violently expelled Palestinians — and willing to participate in a Palestinian society in which there is equality of all peoples regardless of race, ethnicity, economic status, or religion, then it is possible to become Palestinian.

Israelis are all, to a certain extent, culpable in colonization. There are antiZionist Israelis, but nevertheless, it doesn't change the fact that they are settled on land that was acquired violently. Of course, the same can be said for many USAmericans. To a certain extent, I am a settler in Turtle Island despite being a refugee. I willingly participate in a colony, whether I actually agree with it or not.

I think from hereon, to live in Decolonized Palestine as well as a Decolonized Turtle Island, we must make the reparations necessary to the communities who have suffered systematic violence at the hands of the colonial entity to truly live in a post-colonial world. You might be asking how I think that's going to be conducted — I am not sure. But what I do know is that living without borders — or in other words living without colonialist labels and all sorts hierarchies that arise — will require a reframing of the understanding of our world as well as how we interact with each other in it.

#palestine #gaza

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tentenarchive · 3 months ago

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In Defense of Tenten - the Chunin Exams' Written Test and Her Mirrors

A common joke made about Tenten is how obvious her mirror and line contraption, used to share answers with Rock Lee during the written exam, is. In this post, I'll show how her solution is perfectly reasonable and why she wasn't disqualified by the ninja proctors.

Firstly, we have to stablish what the objective of this written test is: to cheat. The written test was designed to be too difficult for ninjas of their level to be able to answer, forcing them to cheat from each other. Such is stated by Ibiki in the end of the First Phase chapters:

Next, the proctors are all higher level shinobi, better prepared and used to seeing various tricks and jutsu. It's not an stretch to suppose they're aware of EVERY cheating attempt made by those Genin, but were responsible for judging if their technique is too sloppy, obvious or ineffective.

My theory is supported by this scene, where Izumo eliminates one of the ninjas doing the test, claiming he took "five strikes".

It implies the competitors are allowed five errors before being disqualified, and one of the eliminated Genin makes it clear to the reader the "five strikes" are five times being caught cheating.

Naruto is also implied to be caught almost cheating when Hinata offers him her test answers (it can be interpreted either as Naruto being closely watched or Naruto's nerves making him think like that, half the proctors' job is to scare the Genin) and even then he is not automatically removed.

Tenten's technique may be obvious for us, as readers who have been shown by the author himself how she did it, but it's a single and successful attempt, and it's not commentated by any other characters, meaning no one caught on her besides the proctors, and they would only disqualify her if she did it more than once (which wasn't needed, she found the mole with all the answers!).

A pettier criticism i've "how isn't anyone seeing the lines?" to which the answer is very simple: manga is a visual media and the author needed the audience to understand how she was manipulating the mirror. If you take in consideration Tenten's fight with Temari in the anime - which is filler, btw, and it's up to you reading this to decide if it's a fair assessment on their abilities or not - she's shown using invisible lines to manipulate her weapons after throwing them. The lines are, conveniently, only visible when the animation needs us to understand how the weapons are moving backwards. Any other frame they're invisible.

You can see in the panel how the lines fade out towards the bottom and only show where they're attached to the mirror.

Finally: that's exactly what Ibiki expected the genin to do. There have been a few posts, specially on twitter, asking "how are you supposed to pass if you don't have a kekken genkai??". Like Tenten. That's how.

Kankuro and Tenten are the only characters which Kishimoto showed us cheating that didn't use an exclusive DNA super power. Kankuro and Tenten both use hidden threads, one uses chakra lines for puppetry and the last manipulates mirrors. They also pass their answers to their teammates, Temari and Lee.

(Sakura is the only confirmed character to do the entire test without cheating. Congrats Sakura!! You could argue Hinata used her byakuugan to cheat like Neji, but if you think she did it by herself, I will give you the pleasure of congratulating Hinata too. Congrats Hinata!)

Tenten's method was practical, and used her specific skill set: summoning and kunai work (where do you think the mirrors came from? a scroll, that's for sure). It was probably set up before the test started, during the commotion Team 7 created with their arrival. We're not shown it because Tenten is a tertiary character and Kishimoto wouldn't invest 2-3 panels of set up for a 3 panel sequence pay-off that works by itself very well. She is smart, did great and made sure her teammate was not left behind.

Tenten is not even the most absurd method used in this exam, so, as a treat, i will show you, in order, the most obvious cheats shown in the manga from least to most!

Sasuke's Sharingan If you're a ninja from the Leaf Village, you know who Sasuke Uchiha is and what a Sharingan is capable of. Unfortunally for him, the Exam is being held at the Leaf Village and all the jounin and chuunin there are from the Village. Any proctor looking at his direction in a position in front of him could see clearly his eyes and know exactly what he was doing.

Neji's Byukuugan Like the Sharigan, you can physhically see when it's activated, with the downgrade of being noticible by people sitting at up to 95º from him, as the veins are visible on the sides of his face too. A fair trade for the ability to see better than the Sharingan, even if you're not able to copy, in my personal opinion.

Ino's Mind Transfer Jutsu The jutsu's hand signal is simple and can be missed, but it's still obvious for any Konoha ninja watching, it is a very recognizable ability. There's also the higher chance of Ino being caught since she needs to do it three times (once for getting Sakura's answers, twice to pass them to Chouji and Shikamaru). Besides, the "dropping dead on the table" thing can be disruptive in a mostly silent classroom.

Akamaru and Kiba's communication Akamaru is barking all the way through the exam, and while the balloon used for the text is the one for thoughts, it's also the same used for whispered conversations up to this point in the manga. The anime makes the barks happen in the real world, and not in their thoughts, and as far as i could find, Kiba can understand dog language but there's no psychic talk between them. By the noise alone he could be caught. I think he wasn't expelled just because a full conversation between dog and human is a novel enough ability to not be considered by most ninjas unaware of the Inuzuka clan's special abilities.

The Most absurd one: Kakuro and his Puppet He put an entire guy no one knows and has never been seen in a room where all the authorities are from the same village and have, at least, a vague knowledge of each other's existence. To increase the absurdity, somehow everyone let Kankuro use his own puppet to guide himself to the bathroom. I cannot express enough how unlikely it is that, in a real info gathering mission inside a single room where all the higher rank ninjas are exclusively from the same village, Kakuro's plan could work. Most decent sensors could also catch the chakra line's signature.

I'll give it to him, making the puppet talk helps with the disguise, but it only fools his fellow attendees, not the proctors. He's too confident that he didn't raise any alarms.

But Ibiki goes as far as insinuating he knows (and has known from the start) about the puppet's existence when Kankuro comes back from the bathroom.

If Kankuro was able to finish the test and not get disqualified, even if he had what I consider the most obvious cheating attempt from the named characters shown, it's fair game for Tenten and all the other important cheaters. Besides, it's a single attempt at cheating, even if it required an entire prep work for it, so it doesn't matter if all the high level ninja's are aware, that's not enough to kick him out.

I cannot leave out the meta reasons why these characters weren't removed from the class: they're important to varying degrees to the story and they need to advance through the first phase to keep readers engaged.

Regardless of how absurd I think Kiba's and Kankuro's methods are, they need to go all the way to the fight tournament after the Forest of Death, where they have important roles to fill: Sasuke and Naruto are main characters and are prioritized by the narrative; Ino and Sakura will have an important character developments and flashbacks during their fight; Neji has an entire arc that only concludes all the way in his fight against Naruto; Kiba is the rival for Naruto in the surprise fighting tournament and he is one of the few characters able to match Naruto's silliness so he can win in a silly way; Kankuro and Tenten are both part of the two strongest cells present in the event, the Sand Siblings and Team Gai, both introduced as real threats to Team 7, and having anyone from these cells lose would undermine the narrative created around then. All of them would get through anyway.

Tenten losing against Temari in future parts of the Chuunin Exam has narrative importance too, a fight I will cover in the next In Defense of Tenten, but in short Tenten was introduced as a threat alongside Neji and Lee, her abilities and experience surpassing Team 7's. Having her lose against one the Sand Shinobi serves to show how big their gap in power is: if someone more experienced and well trained than them can't win against them, Team 7 has no chance. It's part of the build up for the future Naruto and Gaara fight, and the suspense about their real strength (since the fight doesn't exist in the manga, only the result is shown).

Conclusion: people are overly critical of Tenten because she's seen as a "lolcow" in the Naruto fandom, in part by the bad adaptation of her fight with Temari to the anime, which poisoned any feat of hers before and after it; but also because Naruto and Boruto don't give satisfying ends to any of the original female cast besides Hinata (she marries the man she loves and becomes a housewife away from the battlefield, an honorable decision i will never shit on, she never wanted to be a ninja and is a kind mother and wife, good for her!) so all female characters are seem as weak and useless when compared to their male peers. Naruto is a work riddled with undercover misogyny, never out right stated but always preventing the girls to achieve any meaningful resolution or permanent development.

That added to the ever expanding powerscalling abilities and fights make characters with simpler and down to earth abilities and feats outdated by its own universe. Knowing how big the Naruto fights and jutsu get in the future make people look down on crafty solutions like sealing scrolls, kunai and mirrors, when that is a perfectly respectable solution within the series and matches the powerlevel presented this early in the story.

Tenten is not weak, or bad, or useless. She's misrepresented by the most popular media consumed: the anime, and further misunderstood by the fans of said work. Large fandoms can be allergic to text interpretation and infighting is stimulated to the point fans of smaller characters are bullied off social media and forums (i.e. the forum where I got the list of all chapters Tenten is in is filled to the brim with comments about how OP should move the topic to "fan works" since no one would want to read about it in the canon work page, or how the mods shouldn't allow him to have a thread). I respect Tenten's feats, as well as other small characters', and refuse to be fed the same "uselessness" narrative this fandom always had, because i actually enjoy Naruto, even if i have many problems with it, and I take it seriously.

She did great.

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mraquamoon · 7 months ago

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🪴🌙ASTROLOGY OBSERVATIONS - cardinal moon sign edition

♈️🌶️ARIES MOON: this is a very emotionally expressive moon sign. Aries moons emotions come to them so quickly and it can be manifested as a burst of anger or frustration that ends up winding down shortly after. Aries moons really benefit from working out or doing some type of physical activity when going through an emotional crisis. Aries moons want to be left alone to process their emotions. They will most likely reject any type of help or assistance when they are bothered initially. The best thing to do to deal with this is to give them space and let them process. Aries moons get along with other fire moons best as well as Gemini and Aquarius moons. They are very independent thinkers. Their mother influenced their drive and ambition in life in a positive or negative way. Their experiences with their mother shaped their outlook to be independent.

♑️👔CAPRICORN MOON: this moon sign is not super emotional on the surface at all. They will use dry humor more often than not and that can hint at some emotions they are feeling internally. They are very hard to open up with how they truly feel even with people that are super close to them. They might have had a hard time growing up such as parent being away from home a lot so they had to step up and take responsibility for things in the household. They could have lost a parent or a parent could be physically around but not emotionally. Capricorn moons benefit from having people around who give them the space to process their emotions and give them a positive perspective on life compared to how things make seem to them sometimes. Capricorn moons will be more inclined to open up to you if they began to respect you in some way. They appreciate people who understand the value of hard work and determination like themselves. Capricorn moons are very good to be with in relationships as well as they will take responsibility on ensuring the relationship has a well thought out future and things that you wouldn’t normally been keen on taken care of. They will plan dates, they will spoil you, they will give you money to take care of you in some cases especially when they really are loyal to you and understand your value. They do not invest in things that does not seem worth it long term. Capricorn moons get along generally with earth moons scorpio and Aquarius moons.

♎️💕LIBRA MOON: this is the social moon sign. Libra moons love relationships and beauty of all types. They are very much the types to romanticize their lives. Libra moons are happiest when all relationships in their lives are balanced and especially when they have a partner to share their life and ideas with. Libra moons are very aware of their appearance and makes sure to invest a lot of their mental energy into their self care routines. They love shopping to ease their emotions. Libra moons also love talking about relationships of all types with others. They are great with relationship advice for all types and they genuinely love hearing and comparing perspectives. Libra moons struggle with being truthful emotionally sometimes just because they want to keep the peace. They do care about upsetting people still like the typical Libra archetype so they may tip toe around what they truly feel emotionally or become indecisive. This is not always a terrible thing because it helps them make the right decision. They prefer doing activities with others such as going to the store or grabbing food together. This makes them feel at ease emotionally. Libra moons are very sensitive to energy so they are always able to sense the shifts that goes on in a room. They become very uncomfortable around discord of any kind. Libra moons get along best with other air moons Sagittarius and Leo moons.

#libra #libra moon #capricorn #capricorn moon #aries #aries moon #astrology observations #cardinal signs #astrology #moon signs

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cipheramnesia · 9 months ago

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This is the process my brain goes through every time I see anything about Netflix Avatar The Last Airbender.

My first reaction is always: Why? The original, although not without flaws, doesn't leave a lot of room to improve. A good remake or adaptation usually involves an updated context or change in perspective that adds to the original work and gives it new meaning. It's a risky undertaking because it usually involves wanting to take on something established as iconic and make it your own. But Netflix is a corporation and seems very risk averse for the most part. Its only investment is in the name recognition of AtLA. It's hard to visualize Netflix deliberately taking a big risk on an expensive show.

My second reaction is: How? The original series is about 1400 minutes over 61 episodes, and it still had to rush the ending. We're looking at 8 episodes of roughly 45-60 minutes per episode for season 1, which would require Netflix to let it run more than 3 seasons, if the series has similar pacing. Historically however Netflix shows have glacial pacing, and rarely make three seasons. Not really sure how they plan to tell the story if the series is anything like the average Netflix series, meaning it either needs to undercut the story or let the series breathe for at least five seasons. But nothing Netflix has done makes me want to watch anything they make as an ongoing series? Why bother, they cancel everything I enjoy. So I wonder how. What's the hook to say "this will be able to provide something new and interesting compared to the original, and will be allowed to tell the complete story."

Which leads me to think, but you can't judge if something is good without seeing it. Except none of this is about whether it's good, I just find myself wondering what are the odds it's worth the effort? They're low, and it has nothing to do with whether or not it's even any good on its own merits.

Following this, I ask myself, what would a good version of this be. Imagine you are making a live action series with eight hour long episodes per season based on a children's cartoon with 20 thirty minute episodes per season. You are trying to encompass a story which was presented over three seasons as a cartoon, and you do not know if you will have more than those eight episodes. It's made for Netflix which, in terms of a company which will protect the hard earned fruits of your artistic labor, is the fox guarding the henhouse. What do you do?

If you are looking to make something good, that respects your audience investment and your own work, you make radical changes to the story. You change the pacing, the character arcs, the plot arcs. You make sure you deliver a complete story in those episodes with as much respect for the original work and as many new ideas as you can.

Except, at that point, what is even the point of a remake. The only way to work with it is either to trust Netflix allowing you to finish the story (which you'd need to be incredibly naive to do), or tell a story so different it may as well be wholly original. And that's where I always end up. Like, it'll probably be fine, but what's the point of it all? Another vanishing digital property to get canceled because of some undefinable failure to return on investment.

I think about it a lot because the two ends of the spectrum seem to be "dunk on every new piece of information" or "wait and see" but the only conclusion I can ever reach is "why even care?" That's been the lesson to take home from digital streaming in general when it comes to series, but Netflix in particular, and honestly for movie series too. If it can't be self contained, the companies who produce and release these kinds of series just cannot be trusted with it, and there are too many good original stories being put out to care anymore about big budget promises that one day they will definitely for sure deliver a finished story, this time for real.

I care enough to think about why I don't feel anything at all about Netflix Avatar. It'll be fine, whatever else. Just fine.

#netflix avatar

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khaire-traveler · 8 months ago

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⚡ Subtle Zeus Worship 🦅

Falling asleep or meditating to the sound of rain

Playing in the rain; splashing in puddles, dancing, just having a jolly old time

Keep a picture of him in your wallet

Have a candle that reminds you of him

Wear jewelry that reminds you of him

Celebrate/display your achievements

Be kind to yourself

Learn to take pride in yourself; be your own role model

Have a stuffed animal of a bull, lion, or an eagle

Have imagery of eagles, storms, or kingship around (eagles are especially good in an evangelical household (US especially))

Collect rain water (you're welcome to use it for watering plants or the like)

Participating in voting, if able

Learning about and practicing healthy conflict resolution skills

Learning to compromise with others

Doing any kind of hard or challenging work that needs to be done

Educate yourself on your rights (legally); keep up to date on new bills and laws; join groups that support bills and laws you support, especially in favor of human rights

Support human rights, humanitarian, or natural disaster aid organizations

Volunteer at homeless shelters

Give a warm meal to someone in need

Donate items to thrift shops and shelters

Spend time with your loved ones

Honor your home; make your space your own

Express yourself in little, if you can't be open (wearing a bracelet to represent your gender, pride flag colored shoelaces, etc.)

Make a list of goals at the end of every month; the goals are things you wish to accomplish during the next month

Invest in your future; save money, apply for further education, look into future career ideas, etc.

Watch movies that inspire and empower you

Bake things with cinnamon and honey

Listen to music that feels empowering

Cloud-watching; maybe try to learn divination through clouds as well

Educating yourself on the history of Ancient Greece, especially the culture

Practicing standing up for yourself; asserting your personal boundaries; learning what your boundaries are

May add more later on! This is my list of discreet ways to worship Zeus, for the time being. I hope this helps, and enjoy! 💜

Link to Subtle Worship Master list

#helpol #hellenic polytheism #hellenic pagan #zeus deity #zeus worship #deity worship #paganblr #pagan tips

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zexapher · 7 months ago

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Vacuan Nights, Like Vacuan Days

They’re just so great together! I’d love for Jaune and Weiss to get a little downtime in Vacuo to live out a moment like this. They really deserve it, and I’d love to see Jaune’s guitar make a reappearance.

The comic here was inspired by u/Silverstar1243’s excellent piece of art, A Serenade Under the Moonlight. Send some love to them on their twitter, commission some art if you’re willing and able, they’ve made some great stuff.

You folks may have noticed I threw in a couple of references for those in the know; the Golden Oreos behind Yang (double stuffed, I might add) for the trio’s ship, Weiss liking it rough for Mallobaude’s great fic, and of course I made a whole theme around the Arabian Nights Disney song. A song, along with its Aladdin compatriots, which I spent the better part of a day finding covers for just to listen to on repeat while I worked.

This one’s now officially my longest comic project, with 14 panels, two over the past record since I added the White Knight kiss at the end. I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. Not sure I’d say it was more difficult than my Vanity of Vanities post, but for this one I actually knew how to use my editing software going into it (at least somewhat).

Put a lot of work into this one, been working on it on and off since February. Took a few breaks for vacation, to make my memorial post for Rooster Teeth, and another five meme edits or so, but I came back around to it. First half was pretty easy, relatively minor edits inserting characters into scenes and so on. The second half with Jaune and Weiss was tougher though, with color correcting, merging poses, redrawing features, drawing Jaune’s entire head to fix some lighting issues, etc. Really like how the edit to make Jaune strum his guitar turned out.

The time it took to make the whole comic got me down a little, until I did a bit of math. Including my side projects since starting this, all the scripting and editing and all, I’ve been pumping out a panel every two days. That seems pretty good to me, that kind of accomplishment makes me a little proud of myself.

Really need to get around to watching the second part of the Justice League Crossover movies. It’s got a few Vacuo scenes that might make things a little more authentic instead of me just using Saphron’s house and pretending it’s a suite in Vacuo. I do love taking yet more character stills from Jaune and friends experiencing deep trauma and turning it into something positive, been making that a bit of a personal habit. And I’ve got to say, the background for Jaune and Weiss’ scene is really beautiful, pulled it from when Sun and Neptune hear Ruby’s message about Salem. That’s just a really good shot all on its own, I even saved a copy for my computer’s wallpaper after editing out the two.

Posting a big RWBY White Knight edit, watching not one but two RWBY Beyond episodes, and all on the trail of the news that RWBY’s found partners that they’re negotiating with and that the creative team is expected to stay on. And I'm sipping bubble tea. Life is good.

Anyway, pardon the long write up. I’m invested in this one, and am quite pleased with how the comic turned out. I hope you all get a kick out of it as well!

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tachiguin · 2 months ago

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Is Tanizaki really more evil than Dazai?

I don’t think I’ve ever written a longer meta about “Tanizaki is the person who comes the closest to “evil” among all the Detective Agency employees”, which is something Asagiri mentions at a BSD Exposition, but I do have a lot of thoughts about it. I think the most popular reaction to this statement is ‘more than Dazai?!’ which is fair. Because Dazai is a former Port Mafia executive and has a rap sheet longer than Tetchou’s saber. But I think there’s multiple angles at which you can tackle this: The qualifier being “among all the [ADA] employees”, what makes someone more evil than another, how you define ‘evil’.

The easiest way to justify this if you firmly believe that Dazai is more evil than Tanizaki is to separate PM!Dazai from ADA!Dazai. Say that PM!Dazai is more evil than ADA!Tanizaki, who is more evil than ADA!Dazai, who after Oda’s death promised to be on the side that saves people. Current Dazai is making an active effort to be less evil than he may have the potential to be, and that counts for something. Whereas Tanizaki knowingly throws all pretenses of being a good guy out the window as soon as someone he cares for is put in danger.

Though, I raise a further question: if PM!Dazai is more evil than ADA!Tanizaki, who is more evil than ADA!Dazai, would PM!Tanizaki be more or less evil than PM!Dazai? Perhaps we will get our answer if Tanizaki does end up transferring to the Port Mafia.

However, I also don’t necessarily want to shut down this discussion by just saying “Well Dazai is in the ADA now, he was definitely more evil when he was a PM executive”. It feels like a cop-out. Rather, I think that depending on how you define ‘evil’, you can definitely argue that Tanizaki is far worse than Dazai. Is it evil to be indifferent to committing evil acts, or is it evil to situationally want to commit evil acts? Is it evil to be aware of one’s moral faults, or is it evil to think oneself innocent—normal, even—as one is willing to do any atrocity under the right circumstances. Honestly, we can argue morality and try to assign quantitative values to “evil” back and forth, all day until we die. There’s really no “correct” answer here. But for the point I’m making that’s good enough. Depending on how you view “evil”, you could easily see how Tanizaki is closer to evil than Dazai, who never really saw a real difference between evil and good.

I think one of the most ‘evil’ things about Tanizaki is that he thinks he’s normal, with his whole chest. He’s the first person to suggest murder as a solution to a problem, and he just doesn’t understand why everyone else shows reluctance.

He seems to have some vague awareness that his morality is somewhat less than that of his coworkers, as in the Light Novel he thinks that he “[has] a mediocre sense of justice]”, but he mostly equates this to just being cowardly and timid, rather than the full blown self-awareness than we see in Dazai, who is able to articulate to Oda that he feels there is no real difference between the side of “good” and the side of “evil”, and embraces this knowingly.

I also think that to a degree its Asagiri's nihilism at play. Because BSD is a world full of characters with shifty morals, and characters like Kunikida who cling to their principles like a lifeline are a minority. So in a way? Tanizaki is the most ordinary guy.

And he’s not evil on purpose, or performative about it (like other characters, to a certain degree, like Fyodor) it’s completely ingrained into him. It's just that he isn’t a good person, but he’s not necessarily invested in being a bad person either. He simply cares about himself and the people within his circle, to the point that he doesn’t care what he has to do for their sake. I think this is also something that appears subtly in his irl counterpart’s works: the idea of love/affection as evil. Tanizaki-sensei used this kind of oxymoron a lot: ugliness and beauty, hurt and pleasure, destruction and love.

"[his] self-immolation, [...] with which he changed his whole life in an instant, turning the ugly into the beautiful, [...] it was very nearly the act of a saint." — Tanizaki Jun'ichirou, A Portrait of Shunkin

"Little by little, the loathsomeness changed into an unfathomable beauty." — Tanizaki Jun'ichirou, A Fool's Love (Naomi)

"It was evil incarnate, without any question, and at the same time it was all the beauty of her body and spirit elevated to its highest level." — Tanizaki Jun'ichirou, A Fool's Love (Naomi)

Maybe that’s why Tanizaki is closer to evil than Dazai. Because ‘evil’ is second nature to Tanizaki, in part because it goes hand and hand with love and care.

I don’t think Tanizaki’s “evil” could be reasoned with, in the same way you might be able to convince Dazai or Mori not to do something awful. Because Dazai’s evil is ruled by indifference, and Mori’s evil is ruled by logic, they’re both less personally invested in their evil acts than Tanizaki, whose evil is ruled by emotion. You might be able to give Mori a reason why the more logical approach would be to not commit a homicide, but the same reasoning would never work on Tanizaki, because his evil is coming from a more fundamental desire to commit the morally corrupt action, rather than seeing it as a means to an end. In this regard, you could easily see how Tanizaki is closer to evil.

Still, returning to my point about how nebulous the definition of “evil” is—you could also argue that it’s more evil to coldly commit evil acts as a means to an end, as opposed to doing evil acts out of love or affection for another person. However, I think it’s clear why Asagiri made a statement that implied Tanizaki to be more morally corrupt than Dazai, regardless of whether you agree or not.

#bsd #tanizaki junichirou #bungou stray dogs #junichirou tanizaki #bsd meta #bsd analysis #dazai osamu #disclaimer: i recycled part of this meta from a post on my indie rp blog #so if you've seen some of these sentences elsewhere that is why #also shamelessly reusing manga screencaps from my pinned post

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yellowraincoat · 6 months ago

Text

I wonder sometimes what the L&Co crew did after they aged out of having the sight. Obviously Lucy makes some mention of them helping DEPRAC clear the other side and you can help with that even w/o sight thanks to the Orpheus society, but I don’t imagine they did that forever or even full time.

I’ve actually thought a LOT about what I think they end up doing as adults so… here’s an extremely long post about it:

George’s path is obvious to me. He becomes a foremost voice on the nature of the problem, and he’s able to go to Oxford for university (or the most prestigious UK university still running) on this basis. He gets a degree in history and goes on to a PHD. He then dedicates several years to writing a complete, multi-volume, history of the problem/agencies/corruption/visitors (which will go down in history as THE TEXT about the problem)

… I’ll put the rest under the cut bc this is fr going to be lonnnng

We also know from the existence of Lockwood and Co the books that Lucy at some point metatextually writes a memoir detailing the antics of Lockwood and co. (Which, go off girlboss, she did a great job.) For Lucy’s career path, I imagine that she is a formal DEPRAC partner for a time goes to the other side more than any of her other L&Co colleagues to help out.

This may be a weird take, but I also think that Lucy’s relationship with the Skull and all the weird experiments on ghosts she witnesses lead her to go all GHOST RIGHTS. She campaigns for seeing ghosts differently and repsecting the dead and works to get DEPRAC to create better regulations for how sources are treated when contained and advocates for figuring out how to release them to the other side rather than destroying sources as a first move. Idk I think it suits her relationship to ghosts; she’s definitely more invested in their humanity than other agents.

I don’t think Lockwood would try to hire young agents as a supervisor to keep the agency going after losing his sight. Especially since he’s aware that the problem is fading and considering he’d still have work available through DEPRAC. I think Lockwood spends his first few post-sight years in lots of therapy and takes time off from working since he’s been running a very intense business since he was like 14. I also think he foots the bill for Flo to get a therapist as well.

They’re both able to work through their grief and trauma from the people they’ve lost, Lockwood works through his habit of repressing his feelings, and Flo works through her feelings of being cornered while in doors. Flo eventually moves into Portland Row, and she and George and Lucy and Lockwood spend most of their young adult lives (whole lives if you ask me) living in the same house or living right next door to each other.

As for Lockwood’s actual career path I think Lockwood’s would make it his life’s work to share his parents findings. He spreads the traditional burial practices and ways to ward off ghosts like that Lockwood’s parent’s researched to help people protect themselves from ghosts around the UK as the problem fades.

I don’t know that I see Flo having a real job. I could see her in advocacy for housing insecure youth (we know London has MANY due to the Problem) but I’d also like to see her have a relaxing-ass life. Enjoy therapy and her friends, date George, plant a vegetable garden. Flo’s never cared much about material goods so I could see her working odd jobs here and there to help contribute to Portland Row Expenses, but mostly focus on nonprofit work and political activism while enjoying her life.

I think both Kipps and Holly stay on at Lockwood and co until it permanently disbands, then I imagine they both work to advocate for the rights of former agents in some capacity. If Holly could further her eduction I think she’d work in the legal system, maybe working in administration/research on cases that are attempting to hold leaders of the Orpheus society and high up Fittes and Rottweil people accountable for compensating traumatized former agents. Oh and she asks out that girl from DEPRAC she was living with (and they were roommates oh my god they were roommates)

I think Kipps might (after he’s matured a bit) get involved with a young adult professional development program trying to address all of the former agents and nightwatch kids who forwent education at a young age to hunt ghosts and help them access free education and classes to gain new marketable skills as the ghost hunting industry declines and kids age out of the sight. He also stops beefing with teenagers (so much) and lives out his destiny as surrogate brother/20 year old adopted father to Lucy George and the rest. And he gets himself a husband bc he deserves it 😤

As for the Skull… I’m in the camp that he does return and he occasionally stops by Portland Row to chat with Lucy and pull poltergeists type pranks on the other residents. When Lucy can no longer hear him 🥲 I still think he sticks around for a while, making his presence known by moving objects and helping keep the house cool in the summer (yayyy ghost chill), he also still speaks to Lucy when she does work on the other side with DEPRAC. But eventually, maybe when Lucy’s in her late twenties, the skull feels ready to move on, and Lucy visits to the other side to say good by and help him pass on.

#if you need me to say in this post that Lockwood and Lucy stay together then you’re silly #I’m less decided on if George and flo stay together but I think they certainly have a healthy and kind relationship that lasts a few years #lockwood and co spoilers #Lockwood and co #Lockwood and co headcanons #the empty grave #lucy carlyle #Locklyle #anthony lockwood #george cubbins #holly munro #flo bones #quill kipps

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iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia · 7 months ago

Note

Could I get an Hc for how the M6 would react to an Mc that finds out they used to eat a lot of weird creatures and monsters.

I may be obsessed with delicious in dungeon, but like maybe Mc got to try dragon meat and realized that despite it being an 'exotic' food, it tastes familiar. Only gets more surprised. The more weirder foods they end up trying that rnd up tasting familiar.

The Arcana HCs: M6 when MC eats monsters

Julian

From a scholarly point of view, he's actually quite interested in learning more and documenting your finds as medical research

Who knows what medicinal properties these creatures might contain that have gone previously ignored? You could find some miraculous cure or random medicine if you keep snacking your way through the monstrous ecosystem!

Then again, he'd be lying if he said that practice was just as easy as theory. He's pretty well traveled himself, but some of the things you seem so eager to dig into are just ... so ... off-putting

He'll push through with most things but he will draw the line at anything resembling a plague beetle. He was force-fed one of those once and he never wants to experience that again

(he'd never try to keep you from making your own decisions, but to say that watching you eat things resembling plague beetles doesn't turn his stomach and make him anxious would be a lie)

Still one of the best researchers you could have helping you

He's got the background to understand physical nutrients and the importance of a diverse diet - and he's plenty dedicated to you

Asra

They are even more enthusiastic than you are

Sometimes you wish you knew what his limits were, because if things keep going at the rate that they are you might find out that he doesn't even have any

Faust is not helping either - she can and will help distract you if you've finally come across something you're hesitant to try so Asra can sneak a mouthful without being caught

On the plus side, they've tried so many different cuisines already that they have plenty of ideas when it comes to figuring out how to cook something new - and spice combinations you wouldn't dare dream of on your own

He also happens to have plenty of tried-and-true remedies for food poisoning as well (wonder why he learned all of those ...) and is more than happy to share with you if things go south

Absurdly creative with the whole cooking process in general

Keeps trying to incorporate magic. This does occasionally backfire when the beast being cooked is also magical by nature, and the two don't mix as intended

Nadia

She's politely unconvinced, but still mildly invested

Is she personally interested in trying all manner of unconventional dishes? Sure, if it's a well-established recipe from a trustworthy source and contributes to her cultural education

Your recipes, darling MC, do not cleanly fit into that category

She'll still try some, but only after you've been able to replicate the dish multiple times to the point that it's reliably delicious and safe to eat. Otherwise, she'll happily pass her portion to you

However, once you do find a creature that can be reliably cooked as part of a nutritious diet, she is all ears

Do you know what the state of Vesuvia is right now? Any new food source is a welcome food source, especially if it's a resource that isn't being tapped into otherwise. Tell her more about its properties

Will work with you and other nutritionists, chefs, and civil engineers to find a way to introduce it to the populace so they can take advantage of it

Who knows? Maybe if it's popular enough, it can be purposefully cultivated and turned into a major food export ...

Muriel

Not remotely surprised by your habits, for multiple reasons

For starters, he spent his teens living with Asra. In the woods. Who do you think came up with all those natural remedies for food poisoning??? Not the kid picking every mushroom they saw!

Second of all, he lives off of the land himself. The reason his grocery list is so short is because he's learned to find most of his sustenance in the woods around him. You're just doing the same

Third of all (and most importantly) - if it's food, it's food. It's that simple

Will eat anything you hand him as soon as he knows it won't poison him, no hesitation in sight and no further questions asked

His only concern about the whole thing is sustainability. He knows firsthand what happens when something throws the delicate balance of an ecosystem out of whack and he wants to make sure that doesn't happen on accident because you're new to it

Never really stops to appreciate any of the good flavors at first, but eventually develops a palette for the different spices

Insanely good at assessing what kind of nutrients it'll have

Portia

Being an excellent chef herself, she doesn't see much point in eating mostly monster food once the initial excitement has worn off. It was fun for several meals, but now she wants bread

This does not change her general fascination with monsters or magical beasts in general, though, or her overall interest in helping you on your special monster cuisine endeavors

Share the monster facts - all the monster facts

Will work with you on putting together notebooks full of information on monster behaviors, nutritional values, hunting and preparation methods, and ideal flavor profiles

Unrivaled at giving good cooking advice. The meat's good to eat, but too tough? Marinate it in something acidic

It's too spongy to be a starch, but too starchy to be a vegetable? Try roasting or grilling it plain and putting sauce on top

Knows all about how to maximize the "scraps" so that nothing edible goes wasted, and knows how to do it in a way that still tastes good and fills you up

Curious enough to try most of it, smart enough to avoid poisoning

Lucio

Okay, okay, so he'll admit it - he does get squeamish (just a little bit) at the thought of eating the monsters that tried to kill him earlier and he's not particularly fond of revisiting the "eat or be eaten" mentality that was instilled in him as a small child

That said, he is curious

And he very much enjoys all the hunting (and bounties!) involved

You're telling him that he gets to chase down a rare beast, enjoy the thrill of conquering it and the bragging rights that entails, get paid for disposing of it, and then get a free meal after he forgets about it for a couple hours? Sign him up!

Just, uh. Just don't remind him what exactly he's eating if it's from one of the grosser monsters. Devouring a deadly ancient boar? Awesome! Devouring a worm monster? ... yeah, don't ruin it

Has no issues with putting more resources into what you're trying to do. It means free food, bragging rights about killing and eating monsters, and dinner not getting dull and boring

Will not-so-subtly feed anything he doesn't like to Mercedes and Melchior when he thinks you can't see him

#ask arcana brainrot #the arcana #the arcana headcanons #the arcana hc #the arcana game #asra the arcana #julian the arcana #nadia the arcana #muriel the arcana #portia the arcana #lucio the arcana #asra alnazar #julian devorak #nadia satrinava #muriel of the kokhuri #portia devorak #lucio morgasson

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sinking-in-a-gentle-pool-of-wine · 3 months ago

Note

Hii!! I love your writing so, so much-- it's soo good!! I'm not sure if you're taking requests, but I'll send it anyway :)

What about something where Sebastian and Ominis are fighting, and the reader tries to intervene, but Sebastian just starts fighting with her as well? So she goes on a mission (they were supposed to go together) alone? And he's looking for her and asks Ominis, and he tells him that she's in the hospital wing. And he goes to her and he apologizes?

Thank you so much, and if you don't like the idea, and you don't want to write it, it's perfectly fine!

HELLO. I’VE DONE IT. I… may have gone a titch overboard—I got really invested. Thank you sm for your request. Here it is (if you wanna see a nicer formatted one (italics, etc.) check out my Wattpad it’s on there too!):

Keep Me Honest // Sebastian Sallow x Reader

Angst/Action?/Fluff

Word count: 4k+

(All characters aged to 18+ (really just ‘cause, there’s nothing in here that requires it))

———————————————

“I don’t care that no one got hurt!” Ominis shouts. “You broke your promise, Sebastian.”

You stop in your tracks. You’ve just descended into the Undercroft, ready to meet with Sebastian for a practice session, when you overhear the stirrings of an argument between the two boys you know best. You quickly duck into the shadows, not wishing to interrupt. It wasn't clear to you yet which of their arguments this one was: would it rise to a head and resolve, or would one of them storm off in the heat of the moment and drag the conflict on? You could never tell with these two; both had quite the flair for the dramatic.

“Look,” you hear Sebastian start tersely. “You and I agree that Anne should be able to protect herself. How is this any different?”

“Do you think I woke up yesterday?” Ominis jabs back. “Protecting oneself does not require Unforgivable Curses!”

“Sometimes crucio is all that a goblin will listen to. Anyway, it's already been done, Ominis. What do you expect me to do about it now?”

You knew Anne had been trying to get back on the saddle in terms of spell practice, but you had no idea what all Sebastian had been teaching her during his visits to Feldcroft. You weren't sure how you felt about it, but if Anne had asked him, you supposed it was all right... Ominis did have a tendency to shy away from knowledge that posed any similarity to dark magic. But all the same...

“Promise me that you will never teach Anne another spell that puts her morality in danger. That puts yours in danger, too,” Ominis says.

“I can promise you that I'll not tell you the next time I teach Anne a spell.”

“That's not how we've ever worked, Sebastian, and you know it.”

That was it. Before you know it, you're striding into the torch light to provide some back up. Ominis was right: the three of them had been a team since as long as you had known them. Cutting Ominis out was not the answer; you knew Anne wouldn't stand for it either. As you round the corner, you finally see the scene of the argument.

Ominis was standing ramrod straight, clenching and unclenching his fists, bright red nail marks in his palms. Meanwhile, Sebastian looked erratic as ever, his hair sticking out at all ends from messing with it too much, and his wand held loosely in his hand as he paced back and forth, casting shadows on the wall behind him. When he turns for his next loop, he sees you and halts, his hand tightening on the wand and his eyes wide.

“What are you doing here?” he demands.

Your mouth hangs open, unspeaking, for a few seconds. You don't know what you had expected him to say, but it wasn't that.

“Y/N?” Ominis asks, unmoving.

“Yes, it's me,” you respond. “I got here a few moments ago and... overheard you two arguing.”

Ominis lightly kicks at the ground, agitated.

“Well, if you're here to intervene, don't bother,” he says. “I don't want to hear it. I'm tired of you two galavanting off to who-knows-where to put yourselves in danger despite my warnings, and I'm even more tired of you coming to Sebastian's defense no matter the transgression.”

“Actually, I... wanted to second your wish, Ominis.”

Ominis's jaw drops slightly; he clearly hadn't been expecting your support. Sebastian, on the other hand, looks mutinous.

“Seb,” you start, “I know you want Anne to be safe--we all do!--but going behind our backs isn't the way to do it. Particularly Ominis's.”

“When he refuses to be reasonable,” Sebastian starts, shaking his head, “what choice do I have?”

“Did Anne come to you with the wish to learn Crucio, though?” you push.

“Why does it matter whose idea it was? She seemed happy to learn it!”

“You know she does all she can to please you,” Ominis cuts in.

“So what?” Sebastian responds. “You think I manipulated her--accidentally? How is that even possible?”

“No one's saying you manipulated Anne, Seb—”

“Stop calling me 'Seb'!”

This time, you really weren't expecting him to say that. Your face flushes, and you take a step back. Perhaps you had misread this situation--this friendship, you think. You thought you and Sebastian had grown infinitely closer this last year... that he wanted to tell you everything the same way you did him. That fluttery feeling you'd gotten every time you received a piece of exciting news lately because it meant you'd get to tell Sebastian--it feels empty and silly now. How could you have not noticed until now?--that this feeling hadn't been reciprocated.

You take a deep breath, watching Sebastian white-knuckle the wand in his hand. Willow wood.

“I'm not one of you guys,” you start. “I know that. But Ominis is your family as much as Anne. You owe it to him to be honest.”

You see Ominis's face soften in understanding, his mouth still set in a grim frown. Sebastian, however, tenses his jaw and finally looks at you.

“You're right,” he says. “You're not one of us. So stop butting in where you're not wanted.”

“Fine! I won't,” you say, turning on your heel and all but stomping out of the Undercroft, throwing the door open and not bothering to shut it behind you.

“‘Fine, I won't?’” you mutter to yourself. “Couldn't have thought of something with a bit more finality?”

You feel hot pricks behind the backs of your eyes, and you shove the heels of your palms against your eyelids, shoving the tears back. You wouldn't cry. Not for this. Not when you still had work to do. You'd almost forgotten in the heat of the discussion that this particular training session was only the prelude to another task of yours and Sebastian's.

One thing Ominis had gotten right was the fact that the two of you did often get up to a bit more trouble than you’d bargained for. That being said, the trouble would come no matter what the two of you did, so you figured it was best to go it together, at the end of the day. Now you could hardly imagine back to only a few months ago, when exploring on your own was the norm. You supposed that was about where you were now, though. You could reach out to someone else, but you thought the solitude might do you some good. Perhaps it was time to retrain your independent side.

It wasn't really all that dangerous, anyway. All you had to do was take out a bandit camp, a bit northeast of the Forbidden Forest, that had been causing some trouble for residents of the Hogsmeade Valley. You had hoped that tonight could be the night you introduced Sebastian to Merlin trials, though that didn't appear to be possible anymore.

You run the rest of the way through the hallway and through the main doors into the crisp fall air. You inhale deeply, the smell of damp leaves, dirt, and fresh grass comforting to you. Looking around you once to make sure no prefects were outside to see you, you summon your broom to you and mount it, before bursting off the ground and into the sky. You've come to know Hogwarts enough to not need a recalibrating pause in order to know where you were going--North, South, to the Forbidden Forest, or Hogsmeade, or Feldcroft...

You shake your head, willing the glum thoughts away, and squint to see better in the actively darkening sky. The most recent modifications that Albie Weekes made to your broom are nice, and you feel yourself cutting through the air more cleanly than you ever have. Already, the Forbidden Forest looms up on your left, and you bank right and begin to slow down, searching the ground below. A calm, clear stream runs lazily through the grasses, and you see a figure on its bank. You slow to a stop, watching from a distance still, and the figure stands up from the water and begins to walk back into a patch of trees.

That's gotta be it, you think. You fly closer to the ground but remain on your broom, drifting slowly and steadily through some of the taller grasses to stay as hidden as possible. You see a warm orange glow through the branches of the crop of trees and hear voices on the other side of the thicket. You pull your wand out and are about to dismount, when a blast knocks you off your boom.

The broom is ripped out of your hand, but you keep your wand grip tight as you catch air. Praying that you'll fall in grass or the water or anywhere but a jagged rock, you pull your knees up and make yourself into a ball just before crashing onto the ground. Cold water floods your senses, and you feel your robes instantly soak. You stand up as quickly as you can, slipping in the mud and adjusting your hat so you can see. What you see in front of you makes your blood run colder than the water streaming below you.

Bandits. At least a dozen of them, and a few more apparate into the group as you watch. One of them must have seen you coming, and their spell drew the rest.

“Damnit!” you swear under your breath, and a masked bandit near the front of the group laughs.

“You thought you could sneak up on us all alone, little girl?”

Little girl? You seethe.

“It's not like I haven't singlehandedly taken out camps of your bandits before.”

“Bold words for someone who's just been dismounted.”

“I prefer fighting on the ground, anyway.”

“Is that so?”

With a slight flick of his wrist, the bandit shoots a basic cast at you, and you barely throw up a protego in time to deflect it. You try to follow up with a stunning blast, but the bandit easily deflects it. Taking this as their cue to start engaging, the rest of the bandits begin hurling curses and fire in your direction. You can't get a spell in edgewise. You fumble in your bag for a mandrake and whip it in their direction, wincing against the muffled sound of its cries. Though they've scattered slightly, slowly trying to form what you fear is a circle around you, most of the bandits are affected by its screams, hunching down to cover their ears with as much fabric of their cloaks as possible.

“Bombarda!” you yell, aiming at the largest group of bandits you see. The spell lands cleanly, and dirt and rocks explode, sending the bandits stumbling and falling over themselves. You then disarm two of the bandits closest to you before summoning your broom. You don't want to flee, but you need to get away from the trap you've tripped and restart your approach somehow. As your broom, slightly splintery but still very much intact, flies to you, you spot another bandit mounting their own broom. You throw your leg over the wood and leap off the ground as quickly as you can, kicking a bandit in the face as you do so.

You hear them swear colorfully as you accelerate in a random direction. You refuse to flee back to Hogwarts, but you don’t know where to go that’s safe. You look over your shoulder to see not one, but three bandits flying into a V-formation behind you. The odds of losing all three of them were quickly dwindling, and you could feel now that your robes were slowing you down. The cold air was biting your hands as they gripped your broom, and the fabric sagging off your frame threatened to harden with frost.

Swearing, you shoot down into the trees of the Forbidden Forest, dipping below the canopy line but staying well above the ground. You don’t want to lose the bandits just to find yourself face-to-face with a troll. You can hear the whistle of the wind behind you, signaling the presence of the three following you. As you zig-zag around trees, you think you can hear them panting--with effort or with thrill for the chase? You hope for the former.

You then hear a SMACK! followed by a string of yelling. One bandit down, you think, but don’t dare to look back and confirm. And the end of the tree line is already in sight... so close to the castle.

“Diffindo!”

As you break through the treeline, you feel a slash of pain on your back, crying out as you feel the skin tear as if under the crack of a whip. Your grip on your broom loosens involuntarily, and your vision blurs with tears, even as you see the lights of the castle up ahead. You will your broom to go faster, faster, almost there, you bank on the hope that a prefect or professor or someone will be out on the grounds when you arrive, otherwise there's no stopping the bandits from finishing you off in the front gardens.

You look over your shoulder to see just that one bandit--the other got left behind, you suppose--but he's wearing a wicked grin. As you both rise over the outermost wall of the castle, the bandit is stopped by an invisible barrier, but you hear him throw out one last spell before you make it through the first gate:

“Depulso!” he shouts, and you are thrown from your broom, blown forward and unable to hold on tight enough. Your back, still bleeding, sears in pain from the pressure of the spell, and you tumble through the air, hearing the laughter of the bandit behind you. You can't find the strength in your limbs to form into a protective ball again, and as the ground looms up beneath you, all you can do is shut your eyes.

————————————————————

“Where is she?”

Ominis sighs.

“She wouldn’t be in the Slytherin common room, now would she, Sebastian?”

“How do you know who I’m talking about? I could be asking about a Slytherin,” Sebastian protests.

“Who else would you be talking about?” Ominis retorts.

Sebastian clears his throat.

“Well?”

“And why are you looking for her at this hour?” Ominis asks.

“Ominis, it’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon. And… we were supposed to go on a mission together last night, but—”

“But you broke her heart and sent her into certain danger by herself?”

“Merlin, Ominis, when you put it like that—”

“That is what happened, Sebastian.” Ominis sets down the scroll he was fidgeting with. “You’re lucky I didn’t run off into danger, myself. I must admit, you made it tempting, but thankfully I’m a bit more level-headed than our Ravenclaw friend.”

Sebastian runs a hand through his hair; his wand feels slippery in his palm.

“You don’t think she actually went off without me, do you?”

Ominis can’t hold back a snort at this.

“What do you think?”

————————————————————

Your body has never felt more stiff.

You wake up with a crick in your neck and soon discover it’s from sleeping at an odd angle due to the rough bandages spanning the length of your back. A bitter taste sits at the back of your throat, and your head is throbbing. You feel for a moment that you may be sick, but a few deep breaths through your mouth settle you.

A slow scan of the room lets you know that you’re in the hospital wing. Huh, you think, not remembering being brought here. What was the last thing you remember?

A flash of red, dirt, blood, the cobblestone rising up to meet you—

You wince, turning to see a glass of water on the table next to you. You start to reach over to grab it, and it’s only then that you realize your arm is in a sling. Your wand arm.

“Shit.”

“Miss Y/L/N!” you hear the nurse from behind you, and sure enough, she walks up to you, a frown on her face. “You will not use that language in my hospital wing.”

“I’m sorry. But could you please help me with that glass of water?” you ask, holding out your other hand. “I can’t reach it.”

You feel pathetic—unable to finish a mission on your own, unable to heal yourself, unable to lift a glass of water for Merlin’s sake. Hot tears threaten to show themselves again, and you bite your bottom lip—hard—to stave them off.

She passes the glass to you, and you raise it to your mouth. It’s still cold, and you feel it fill your stomach and ease your nausea. You close your eyes and take a deep breath.

“Thank you,” you say.

“Mhm. Now, I’m not going to ask you how you came to be rushed into my wing, all battered and bruised, with a broken broom, no less—and at the ripe hour of three in the morning!—but I am going to tell you to not do it again. You’ll take a bit to recover; some injuries can’t be undone with the flourish of a wand, you know. You’d do well to remember that.”

Throughout her speech, you felt your face growing hot, and you didn’t know if it was from indignation or embarrassment. You hold your tongue, though, and watch as she flounces away, off to get some Wiggenweld potion, or patronize some more students, or what have you.

Now you were left with nothing but your thoughts… and the almost empty glass of water. What had gone wrong? You couldn’t believe how quickly the previous evening had turned to disaster. You typically kept such a cool head during combat—and allowing a bandit to sneak up on you was unheard of. You know Professor Fig would reassure you that the fact that it had only happened once was an accomplishment, but you expect a level of performance from yourself that exceeds simple assurances. Had going without Sebastian truly thrown you that off your game?

Frustration—at Sebastian or at yourself, you didn’t know—bubbles up inside you, and you wish you could just stand up and walk out of there. You hate being stuck—feeling stuck. Your relationship with Sebastian hadn’t felt stuck at all until last night. Sebastian helped you feel free, capable, clever, brave even. Were you not those things without him? Or did he just help you unlock those parts of yourself? You know it’s the latter, but you still wish you could continue to share those moments with him.

Despite the argument in the Undercroft, you find yourself wishing you could see Sebastian—just try to make him hear you out one more time. And if he really never wants to see you again, then that’s fine. The last year of friendship could mean nothing to him, if that’s what he decides, but you know you would fight.

As you’re steeling yourself to wait it out and perhaps imagining hypothetical scenarios in your head, you hear that very same Slytherin’s voice from outside the wing.

“Let me in, Peeves.”

Your skin starts tingling, and your heart racing. You really didn’t think the time to talk would come so soon. You gulp and look around; none of the other students seem to be paying much mind to the ruckus on the other side of the door.

You hear Peeves blow a raspberry.

“What’s the password?”

“Eat my shorts.”

“Nope! Not even close. Man, you Slytherins really aren’t that clever, are you?”

“Peeves, I’ll curse you if you don’t get out of my way.”

“Oh yeah, and why do you need to get in there so badly? A certain Ravenclaw need your attention?”

Your eyes go wide; you look around frantically and see that some of the students have started to pay attention to the ongoing debate.

“I bet she could guess the password,” Peeves continues.

“Peeves, I swear, I will sic the Bloody Baron on you,” Sebastian responds.

“Ha! Like you have any pull with him.”

The conversation goes quiet, but you hear muffled speaking—Sebastian’s voice. The other students in bed are indiscreetly leaning towards the door as well, trying to catch a phrase or two, when suddenly it bangs open. Sebastian stands in the doorway, looking a mess: his hair is in his eyes, and his robes are askew. His left shoe is even untied. He takes in the room, squinting his eyes when he notices his eavesdroppers, finally landing on you. His whole face changes, the lines disappearing and his eyes brightening, as he strides to your bed and grasps your hand in his.

“Thank Merlin you’re all right. I was afraid I wouldn’t find you in one piece.”

“What?” you start, indignant despite yourself. “You think I couldn’t handle going out alone?”

His eyes harden slightly, and he lets go of your hand.

“What? No, I just heard from Ominis—after much prying, might I add—that you had been rushed to the hospital wing in the small hours of the morning.”

“Oh,” you respond weakly. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

“So I was worried,” he says flatly.

You could cry—he had come in exactly how you pictured he would if you could have your way. And then you ruined it.

You sighed.

“But I could go, if you’d prefer,” Sebastian starts.

“No!” you gasp, grabbing his hand back. “No. Please. I’m—I am… embarrassingly happy to see you.”

He smiles, his eyes softening again. You were vaguely aware of the eyes and ears on you both—here in the middle of the hospital wing—but you didn’t care. Not with Sebastian here, looking at you like that.

“So—” you start.

“Listen—” he starts at the same time.

You both laugh.

“You first,” he says. “You first, please.”

You swallow dryly.

“You, um… I—” you take a deep breath. “I wanted to apologize, for being reckless last night, and for crossing a line or not respecting a boundary of our relationship, I just…”

You pause, but the earnest, open look Sebastian is giving you propels you forward before you can stop it.

“I just want to tell you everything, always. I want to share just about every experience with you. And if that’s weird, that’s weird, and I’ll stop trying to do that, and… And I’ll certainly not expect that of you… but… Well I know what you said last night, actually, so I’ll assume that’s not wanted, either, so. Actually… yeah.”

While you were stumbling through whatever that confession was, Sebastian’s face was taking on an expression you hadn’t seen before. You weren’t sure if it was melancholy or joy, or trepidation. When it’s clear that you’ve said your last filler word in an effort to prolong his response time, he grins.

“Please, never listen to a word I say ever again,” he says, releasing your hand to cup your face in his hands. “You are the best person—the best thing to happen to me.”

You feel the lines in your face release, and you reach up to hold his wrist.

“You keep me honest,” he continues, “and I think I sometimes hate that. But I’ll work on it—I am working on it. I lashed out last night, and that’s not okay. I’d maybe hope that if we get into an argument again, you won’t go and get yourself diffindo-ed, of course…”

“Yeah yeah,” you laugh, rolling your eyes.

“Really, though. I mean it. Because I’ll be with you next time. And the time after that. And the next one…”

“But then we’re done,” you interject.

“Yeah, all right,” he laughs, lightly punching your shoulder.

“OW!” you yell, gaining back the attention of those in the room who had finally diverted it.

Panic immediately sets in on Sebastian’s face, and he’s about to fall over in his haste to get the nurse, when you start laughing.

“Merlin, Seb,” you say. “Learn to take a joke.”

“I’ll kill you first,” he says, smirking.

“You got any classes today?” you ask.

“Not ‘till Astronomy this evening.”

You scoot over on the bed and pat the space beside you, the question on your face. Sebastian pretends to look around for the nurse in secrecy before gently climbing in beside you. Both of you feel the release of relief settle over you, and you let your head drop onto his shoulder.

“What was it you said to Peeves that convinced him to let you in, anyway?”

#fanfic #harry potter #hogwarts legacy #sebastian sallow #sebastian sallow x reader #writers #x reader #angst #fluff #action #wand combat #I literally forgot tags exist oops #ominis gaunt #hogwarts legacy ominis #ravenclaw #I’m Ravenclaw so my readers are canonically Ravenclaw my b #ominis x Sebastian x reader #kinda?#love those boys

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