#marauders mutual pining

[perpetuallydaydreaming]

will you marry me?

5 times remus has asked you to marry him and 1 extra.

tags: remus lupin x f!reader,, fluff,, angst,, no mention of the word y/n,, childhood friends to lovers,, mutual pining,, character death

first time at 5 years old;

your eldest sister was off to marry in spring and so naturally the whole house was buzzing with excitement and terror. and you, like any impressionable child, felt the tingles of something exciting happening before your very eyes.

lulu, your best ultimate mate as you so graciously dubbed him, felt this energy too.

or at least the many flowers and coloured envelopes scattered on the table, seem to ring some alarms for him.

“this table is too small,” he frowns, stopping his pretend chopping of the leaves, and looking longingly at the dinner table, filled with scattered wedding paraphernalia.

you shrugged, ponytail swishing as you move around him.

“we have to make room, my sister is to be mary.” you confidently repeated what your mum said to you in the morning. when you had whined at the lack of play space.

now you’re humming like it’s obvious, why you were given a child’s table and now have to play kitchen with one pot instead of four because of the lack of space. the confident pretence of a child to show they’re mature enough not to complain.

“why does she have to be mary?” he asks, his shoulder bumping into you, “i thought she likes her name hilda?”

you scoff, clearly lulu does not know of the way of being mary. so naturally, you being older (by a few months) needs to teach him. or else, however is he going to be a proper grown up?

“because she wants to be a wife. so she has to be mary first.”

“a wife?” he asks intrigued, “like mummy and daddy?”

you laugh, patting his head, “only mummies can be a wife, silly. daddies are hus-butts.” you stood straighter, having this conversation with your mum before. “mother says, you have to love first and then be a mary. so you can play with them even after dinner and eat chocolates and make children.”

he seems to perk up even more, looking at you. his eyes as usual, gleaming with obvious awe, “to make children? with what?”

you pout, having no answer.

you haven’t asked your mum this question yet. too busy thinking of how many mary’s there are in your town.

still, you try to think of an answer.

you don’t want to let lulu down, you are after all his only hope for knowing things.

luckily, you’ve overheard this one conversation last week, your sister moving after she becomes mary so they can begin making a family.

you raise your head, hand on your hip and your other pointed as if in a lecture.

you said in your most confident voice. “you enter specific rooms in the house, and always make sure it’s locked. and then you wait until you can come out with children. but you must only do this if you love them. that is the ultimate rule. or else it won’t work.”

“wow,” he breathed, he clenched his fists then, looking utmost determined. before screaming in glee and confidence, the only way a naive child could. “then let’s make children! be mary and then we can play all night!”

you clicked your tongue, disappointed he hadn’t comprehended. “but you should love me first.”

his cheeks heated pink, indignant, “but i do. i love you a whole lot! and i wanna play here all the time.”

you shook your head, grim. “we can’t.” sounding so heartbroken, as much as any five year old could sound.

because you’ve already asked your mum if you could make children with lulu and she said, you’re only suppose to do that if you’re a grown up in love.

you asked, what’s the difference? you were plenty grown. 5 is one hand after all.

and your sister said to you, amusement lacing her words, a grown up to take care of you and cherish you. someone able to help you and grow with you.

you look at lulu. his thin arms and his lack of knowledge.

certainly not a grown up. not a proper man who can be with you, at all.

“i don’t love you, so we can’t.” you say this huffing, now turning completely to your make shift pot and stirring the water and leaves.

lulu cried loud that day, wailing like a little kid.

and nodding to yourself knowing you’ve made the right choice. he is so not a grown up. even if his pinched face made you feel queasy.

your mum rushing over and asking what was wrong. when you told her, she laughed out loud, and hugged you both, brushing remus’ hair out of his tear streaked face.

and you wonder what was so funny when he looked so sad.

second time at 11 years old;

remy was horrified.

you realize this as he stares at you in a crazed panic. and as always, it was up to you to be strong.

“what do you mean by that?” puffing your chest out and stood to cover remy from potter.

“didn’t you know? kissing makes girls pregnant.” he whispered, loudly in the empty halls, scandalized as he went to look at your stomach as if it will inflate this instant.

you fight the urge to cover that area with your robes. willing yourself to be brave for the both of you.

“surely… that isn’t true.”

potter scoffs, offended to have been doubted, “yes it is, i heard a prefect say so.”

you feel remy grab the back of your robes in panic. the reference enough to persuade him. you almost roll your eyes, but instead sighed to calm yourself down.

“i ought to tell you lot to be careful.” potter looked at the both of you meaningfully, and inhaling sharply as a flash of embarrassment burns into your brain.

you weren’t able to will the heat of your cheeks to dissipate, before it showed on your cheeks. your face and neck warmed red. mortified that potter knows the secret kiss shared between you and your friend, currently pulling at your robes.

it was both of your first kiss, deciding to just get it all over with, so you both can know what was so special about it.

it wasn’t much.

it felt soft, and quick.

nothing at all sparkling or romantic, like others said.

“alert your parents immediately, else you might be kicked out. and i’ve grown quite fond of the two of you, you know.” potter nodded at you, looking as if he pitied you both before crossing his arms as he strutted away.

you look at remy fully now. he was standing too close and still holding unto your robes like a lifeline.

“did you really have to tell potter of all people what we did?” you scoff, crossing your arms and tapping your feet like how your mother used to do it when she was cross with something.

he seemed to shrink into himself more, “i’m sorry, he said he saw it, and pestered me into confessing.” he bit his lips to bleed. “i didn’t know you were gonna be in trouble.” he sniffled.

and you immediately cooled, reaching forward and pulling at his chin to stop his assault and softly rubbing at his bleeding lips with your robes with another click of your tongue.

“it’s fine, he already saw, nothing else we can do.”

“so, what are we going to do now?” he asked softly, he looked at you, eyes filling with worry and sadness. “what if you are? we’ll get in trouble, won’t we?”

you bring down your arm now, before breathing out deeply.

you try to think of why it wouldn’t be true, but the tone of his voice was making you worry endlessly too.

even though you know it wasn’t all true, because your sister kissed her husband plenty of times in the house and they don’t have kids.

and you were about to point that out to him. to reassure your ever warm, too soft friend, that james potter was full of it and to relax.

but remy stood straighter, his cold hands gripping yours tightly, so much that it hurts. now standing a bit taller than you. pink lips pulled into a straight line and eyes looking straight at you. soft brown eyes no longer holding any worry, instead with resolute determination.

“marry me,” he said, “i promise to look after our children and work.” he nodded at you, as if urging you to say yes. to trust him.

a look entirely different from what you remembered from way before, yet feeling all the same regardless.

the reason of proposal was ridiculous in of itself that you couldn’t help but laugh.

“i’m not pregnant you dolt, pregnancy doesn’t work that way. i assure you.” rolling your eyes in amusement. “so don’t you go proposing like some weirdo.”

he stopped for a second, as if startled as he kept looking at you. before leaving a shaky sigh, head hanging low.

“okay,” his lips in a wobbly smile, looking weird. “good.”

third time at 17 years old;

sirius had managed to sneak in a case of firewhisky in one winning after-party in the common room.

it was safe to assume that everyone was positively sloshed. if judging from the slurring exclaims from james and a red face peter barely able to stand and sirius laughing maniacally at something marlene has said to him.

and remus being the self-appointed responsible one, had taken it upon himself to maintain sobriety the entire night. to look after the three of them in the aftermath.

resolutely sitting next to you the whole night, engaging in a missed conversation about gossip and literature.

“still feeling confident you can handle these three blokes up in your room?”

he grimaced, already rubbing his temples, probably from regret and the james’ incessant off-key singing. “i don’t really have much of a choice now, do i?”

you laugh easy, “with the way james is attempting to strip, i think not. you did volunteer, taking responsibility and what not.”

he sighed rather audibly, over the soft music of the party that was already dying down. most of the attendees already settling into their respective rooms.

and you look at remus, slumped into the chair, and laugh to yourself.

still so helpless, you think. you guess you had to step up again. pick up the slack a little bit.

you try to trick yourself into thinking you were tired and miffed about it, but you find you quite like feeling needed. especially by remus.

whom of which seems to be way into being responsible now and being a proper grown up. one that follows curfew and plans his day.

he barely looks at you for help anymore.

he always has an answer to questions now.

as the boys depend on him for being the responsible one in their little foursome.

off to late night adventures and pranks. no longer the crying, awe struck, nervous kid you grew up knowing. makes you feel kind of sad.

“alright then,” you exhaled, “i’ll lend you a hand for dealing with the demons.” you stood up whilst downing your drink, a sweet concoction by dorcas.

he looks up at you, eyes looking bloodshot and tired. he softly shook his head, “you don’t have to.”

you frown, clicking your tongue and placing a hand on each of your hips. “i said i’ll do it, so i’m going to. now stand up and let’s go.”

he looked at you just a second longer and sighs looking away, a soft smile etched on lips before looking at you again. looking won over.

standing up, dusting the invisible dirt on his trousers and nodding.

he towers over you now, seemingly out of no where.

you realize this as your neck strain looking up at him. as you gather the rowdy, intoxicated boys back to the dorms.

something sirius was extremely grateful for and the others echoed.

“thanks for— for taking care of me darling,” sirius breathed hot into your face before pecking you on the cheek.

“yes, you’re very welcome,” you hummed amused, tucking his covers into his sides, making sure he couldn’t move out of bed.

sirius giggles, “it feels like being tucked in by a mum,” before looking at you serious, eyes wide and looking more sober than he actually was, as if realizing something.

“you’re the mum in the group!” he exclaimed.

“im the what?”

james overhears this and exclaims his agreements.

“oh you are! you’re the perfect mum size!” james said.

you turn to him, “and what’s that supposed to mean?” you ask hotly.

“you’re very caring and mum-like, and you scold like a mum too, sometimes you even talk like one,” peter mumbled.

you look at remus, giving you an amused look, lips stretching like close to laughing.

“this is going to be the last time i’m helping you lot, if you call me mum one more time.” you threatened lightly.

sirius hums loud like he doesn’t believe you, “it’s not all bad, not like you’re gonna be a single-mum. remus is gonna be the dad after all.” he said like he was so sure.

and james, of ourse, echoed his agreements.

“obviously,” james tutted from his bed, tucked in tight by remus.

“yesh,” peter slurred, “he looks like—remus looks like he knows how to read maps.” he breathes out, like on a verge of sleeping.

james gasps, “he does! remus is a map reading dad, nothing has made more sense than this moment right here. you are meant to hold a map in your hands remus, you’re a daddy compass.”

remus looks perturbed, eyebrows scrunched and lips into a tight frown. he shakes his head then, before closing each of their curtains, not even bothering to justify james’ quip. “night lads,”

“night dad,” sirius teased from his bed, before shuddering excessively, “never thought i’d say that again.”

you snort out a laugh before you could help it. “good night everyone.”

you look at remus, and see him gesture to come outside.

quietly walking out of their room and closing the door behind you.

“come, i’ll walk you out.” grabbing your hand softly and pulling you down the corridor to the stairs. dropping his hold just as quick as if he hadn’t meant to hold it in the first place.

“sorry about the lads, the lack of filter is unfortunately not the effect of alcohol but is just them naturally.”

you chuckle softly, rubbing your tingling palms on the side of your skirt.

as if you didn’t know that already. those three have already been a staple into your everyday life for majority of the year. they, quite frankly, grow on you like some persistent vine on a house.

“it’s fine, it was quite tame compared to the usual rubbish they spew most of the time.”

remus looks at you, barely able to hide the smirk emerging from his lips.

“don’t tell me you liked them calling you mum?” the teasing lilt in his voice impossible to miss.

you lightly push on his shoulders. “don’t be disgusting, being called their mum is weird enough. and you implying i like it just makes it even weirder.”

“well imagine being called daddy compass by one of your mates, it’s gonna be hard looking at james tomorrow morning i’ll tell you that.”

you laugh excessively loud at this, before covering your mouth sheepish as you remember the time.

you look over at him, up and down as if assessing, “but you do look like a dad who knows how to read maps. wears khakis all the time and has a moustache.”

he rolls his eyes at you, as you grin in mirth, “well does that mean you’ll do me the honours of marrying me to avoid the life of a single parent to three demon boys?”

you laugh, shaking your head, “not exactly selling your case to me, are you?”

“won’t you reconsider though?” he moans, like he’s pained but you see the glint in his eyes even in the dark dorm room stairs. “it is after all for the children.”

you know he’s joking, hardly a night of partying counts as anything like a proper proposal.

but your brain can’t help but supply the thought that he looked quite fuller now. arms looking sturdier, and harder. he is acting more responsibly, all the professors trust him.

he was almost like a proper grown up now.

and you remember the echo of the ultimate rule in your childhood.

you shake your head, and an easy smile spread on your lips. stopping at the stairs for your dorms, “over my dead body,”

and he laughs, the sound echoing in the trashed common room, “well alright, good night, beautiful.”

“good night remus.”

fourth time at 19 years old;

you knew james was serious about lily when you lot had graduated from hogwarts. but you didn’t know the extent of the seriousness until he said this after one of the order meetings.

“i’m going to ask lily to marry me.”

james had said this with such conviction, so sure and full of affection. you can’t help but feel awed.

he suddenly seemed mature. not like the doofus you’ve come to know and consider a confidant through these trying times.

but a proper adult, one who does taxes and knows how to set up an appointment for medical check ups and fights in wars.

james suddenly feeling very far away from you.

you feel remus shift, his leg pressing into yours. you look at him to see what he wanted, but saw he was just looking at james, eyes set hard.

you shook yourself out of your stupor. standing up abruptly, not meaning to leave the familiar press of remus’ leg against your thigh.

“that’s—that’s great news james, i would have never guessed you—oh you’re all grown up!” you wrap your arms around his shoulders, and him wrapping his around your middle with a giddy smile.

“thank you, mum.” he laughs, the on going joke still running strong. you squeeze him extra tight and pinching his arm for extra measure. before pulling away. “i never thought you had it in you to propose. i’d have half a mind to propose to lily on your behalf.”

he laughs, a bashful blush resting on his cheeks. “i figured, why wait, you know? tomorrow isn’t promised, and—i think spending every moment together is we all can do. i don’t want to die with regrets. i love her.”

you breathed in deep.

sirius coming forward too and slapping james in the back before giving his own congratulations and then peter and then remus too.

you were happy for them both, truly, having found one another even in these difficult times was awe-inspiring.

and then you start to wretchedly wonder if you could have that too. if only the circumstances were a bit different. would you have been given enough time to find another? enough to love? enough to marry?

you find your gaze sliding to remus, how strained his smile looked and wonder if he’s thinking the same.

he looked back at you, as he always does, and smiles gently. less strained now. like he was resigned.

you try to imagine if the circumstances were a bit different and he would find someone to love. someone to marry.

you feel your navel, coil in a bundle of nerves. a tension in your neck making you almost irate.

he gestured for you to follow him out.

like being compelled and weak, you follow without a question.

the night air was chilly, and feeling some sort of static on your skin, like building an unnerving suspense.

remus just sat and gestured for you to sit beside him.

the seat was cold, and you sat rigid like ice.

it’s been a while since you’ve last sat with remus like this. the order keeping all your hours occupied, mission after mission. surviving by the skin of your teeth.

all the world has gone fucked now, it didn’t feel quite real some time—like some sort of veil has just been pulled over your head making you see things clearer for the horrors awaiting your fates.

and in your mind loud with noise and worry, you almost didn’t hear him.

“why don’t we do it?”

“what?” you turn to him, hoping his face show an inkling, a clue as to what he had said.

he looked at you then, eyes still so warm even with the atrocities he’s faced and eyes still so bright in the night. a twinkling light reflecting in his eyes making him look younger. prettier.

“why don’t we get married?”

you lean back slightly in shock, “what?” you repeated, because you didn’t understand. this came so suddenly, words weirdly familiar but the intent wildly different than from all the others you’ve heard before.

you looked at his eyes. searching, still, for a clue or something that might make sense because what?

he laughs, the warm, soft sounding one you can barely hear. but it was just the two of you outside and it was quiet and you were sitting so close, so you hear it—loud and clear. the sound making you feel warm. “is that so crazy?”

he looked like a boy, happy and hopeful. his leg was pressing into your thighs again. the pressure grounding you.

his hands fidgeting deep within his pockets.

“i think we work well enough.” he added, with a small smile.

you feel something in your heart stutter, “work well enough,” you repeated. “glad to know i reach your standards for a bride, sir lupin.” you almost scoff. masking the bitter simmer of disappointment of his reason. and the coiling nerves still tightly wound in your navel, feeling heavy, making it harder to breathe.

he shrugs, “well you know, a lot of applicants have been killing themselves to be chosen. i reckon you ought to feel honoured.” he grinned over to you, still joking.

you rolled your eyes, “of course,”

“yeah?” he perked up, suddenly sitting straighter, his knees bumping into yours in his haste to look at you properly. “you want to?” he seemed shocked, overtly so, that it makes you laugh. a heat blooming on your face at his apparent willingness to marry you before shaking your head to avoid any confusion.

“no to the proposal but yes, that it is indeed an honour.”

he deflates, “ah,” he said softly, before laughing like he was embarrassed. “i just—i kept thinking what james said, about tomorrow not being promised—and, i, well i thought—“ he clears his throat before continuing. “i thought i might see what the fuss was about,”

you nodded, “‘m afraid marriage isn’t so simple. you have to love one another for a start.” you added somewhat bitterly, looking away.

“so you keep reminding me,” he says, laughing awkwardly.

fifth time at 38 years old;

you feel as if your life was reaching a crescendo.

the night glooming, brooding like the sky knows to colour it of fear and nerves.

it was going to come down to tonight, so it seems. whether we win or we lose. the end or the beginning. all those families we’ve lost and the families we’ve created. all our hopes and dreams sacrificed into this one night.

“you feeling alright?” remus asked to your left.

the glooming sky somehow illuminating his face all the same.

“as alright as anyone can be when facing a dark wizard.” you smirked, shrugging.

he laughs, still sounding so warm and soft.

you feel his fingers brush yours. you had half a mind to remind him to get ready and hold his wand tight.

you notice how keeps forgetting to do that. opting to hold unto you, just like he did before when he was a child from another time.

he only offers a closed lipped smile, looking at you the same way he has always looked at you. his stare the most familiar thing, it might as well be a part of you.

“i love you.” he breathed. and your heart hammered, your world tilting on its axis. shifting the very fabric of your universe.

and he looked relieved like he couldn’t wait to hold unto it any longer. and then he repeated it. more sure. louder. affectionate. looking straight into you. his brilliant, soft, warm eyes so full.

you wonder when did his gaze start to look at you like that?

and then you see;

his eyes looking as it did when he was five, shining with obvious awe.

his eyes when he was eleven, with resolute determination.

eyes when he was seventeen, glinting with mirth in the dark crevices of the dorms.

the look he gave you when he was nineteen, looking so boyishly happy and hopeful.

and now as he’s thirty-eight, looking at you with so much love, and longing, and pain, and joy.

“when this is all over,” he breathe, “will you marry me?”

so much time has passed by now that you had once thought it was too late for you. too late with him. something you always thought but could never have.

he was now undeniably a man. arms littered with scars and unwavering confidence as he looks at you. but his eyes still glimmer and twinkle all the same.

the undeniable rampage in your chest, your eyes searching for an answer or a clue for what he’s thinking.

“i love you,” he repeats, and gazing at you with that familiar eyes of his.

and you laugh because you found your answer. so you’ll give him his.

“yes.”

extra;

the battle was brutal, bodies piled on top of one another. those too young to know what they even fought for. those for their own ideals. and those caught in cross fires.

but it was over. and the good guys won.

but with so many lost, people thought, how could i possibly cheer?

but there was this type of solace when you’re gone. there was no more pain. all those gone can only do one thing, to let go. at least that’s what harry thinks.

staring down at the family he could’ve had.

your limp cold hand holding remus’ equally cold ones.

he wonders if someone intertwined your hands, or if you simply died holding on to each other. never to let go.

he realized it didn’t really matter. you were both gone. forever, but together.

he thinks of the comforting hugs you’ve given him in the short time you’ve spent with him, and the many stories remus told. and in this fierce pain he wonders if you ever saw the shiny, glinting ring in remus’ dresser hidden away ever since he was eighteen.

[imjustherefortheshipping]

Sirius is so obvious with his feelings, he’s wearing his heart on his sleeve and is constantly glancing at Remus with the most besotted expression

Everyone can see it - except Remus because his brain immediately goes static as soon as he looks at Sirius and all he can think is “pretty pretty pretty���

[randommmthoughts]

Wolfstar - Somewhere in between friends and dating

One night, Remus discovers Sirius relaxes totally when getting head scratches. He now uses that at every opportunity to get Sirius to calm down, or to tease him.

[blueironywrites]

Title: Longing

Rating: M

Summary: Remus and Sirius really are two sides of the same coin when it comes to their feelings.

Word count: 272

May prompts from @wolfstarmicrofic. Chosen prompt: mutual pining

**********

"You want me to what?" Remus turned to Lily in horror.

She could not be serious. She could not have honestly suggested that Remus go over and confess his feelings for Sirius.

Shy, awkward, chocolate-obssessed Remus who always has a nose in his book and too many scars to count, should go and confess his feelings for Sirius. Sirius, whose eyes shone when he threw his head back in laughter, whose smile could make Remus's heart skip a beat, whose shirt had fallen open to reveal the smooth skin of his collarbone that made Remus want to walk over and...

Remus flushed.

"Just forget it," he said, sadly. "He'll never think of me that way."

He continued staring across the room at Sirius, who was deep in conversation with James, and ignored the long sigh next to him.

+++

"I could never do it, Prongs," Sirius said as he contemplated what James had asked him to do.

How could he confess his feelings to Remus? How could he, reckless, dangerous, broken, most-detentions-in-a-month Sirius speak his heart to Remus?

Remus. Kind, beautiful Remus, whose raspy voice made Sirius's heart race, whose eyes shone when he smiled, whose mussy hair had a stray curl hanging loose that made Sirius want to walk over and...

Sirius flushed.

"He only sees me as his best mate," he said, miserably.

Sirius continued to stare longingly across the common room at Remus, absently hearing James let out a long, slow breath.

+++

"How can they be so stupid?" Lily asked James in wonder, later that evening.

James laughed. "They've been this way for years. You eventually get used to it."

[15hopes]

jily happens- late 5th year. james has pined after lily for forever, and she finally reciprocates. they are wonderful. it is safe and healthy and loving and they are HAPPY.

wolfstar also happens- it comes to fruition a little later, about 6th year. and sirius and remus are loving and healthy and safe and they are HAPPY.

but-

no.

if they don’t name it, if they don’t ever acknowledge the amorphous thing growing between them, then sirius and james will be fine. they love their partners. adore them. truly.

and it doesn’t feel like cheating, really it doesn’t, if sirius rests his head on james’ thigh. if when sirius has nightmares, he crawls into james’ bed and they wake up intertwined. and sometimes when he doesn’t have nightmares. if his signature biting wit takes a bitter turn against lily- well, it’s only in his head, he would never insult her out loud, and he hates himself for even thinking it. it’s not even true. if he compliments james’ arse a little enthusiastically, surely no one will read into that. they’ve been this way forever. all things reasonably excused within the realm of Best Friendship, he tells himself.

and james doesn’t stop him. james, for his part, takes a soft and secret pleasure in the shiver up his spine when his best friend’s raven hair is splayed out on his leg. braids sirius’ hair before quidditch games. notices each moment remus is distracted or brusque in sharp strikes of indignation, keeps uncharacteristic count in his head (and out loud, to lily. and sirius. it’s really not in his head at all) because how dare anyone not give sirius black their full attention -! james tucks each almond-slivered moment in the back of his mind, to be unfolded only when he’s so tired he doesn’t care enough to think about whose name slips out of his mouth in the shower.

their closeness, their possessiveness, is easily laughed off. they’re best friends. they share a brain. of course they’re close, of course they need each other like air to breathe. of course it’s hard when your best mate starts spending time with someone else. it’s normal. it’s natural. would be concerning if they didn’t feel this way, really.

and if either of them looks a little long, sighs near-imperceptibly in the Quidditch locker room, it goes unacknowledged. because james DOES love lily. and sirius DOES love remus. neither of them want anything to change, necessarily, but.

if they never cross the line, they both wonder, does it matter? does it count?

[yallthemwitches]

A soft silence falls over them, strangely comfortable given the circumstances. She can feel his heartbeat against her forearm, a defiant thump thump thump that serves as a reminder that yes, you are in his bed with his hand over your body and his face unreasonably close to yours.

Been reading 'The Last Enemy' by CH_Darling ( if you haven't read it go NOW) and it has put me in a severe 'mutual pining but make it teenage idiocy' mood so I cranked out this little 1.2k word piece. Please enjoy pure unadulterated fluff (rated T for teenage obliviousness)

Read on AO3 or Under the cut!

Sunlight pours through the gap between the curtains, spilling a line of heat into the otherwise frigid air. Lily grumbles and turns her face to the light, simultaneously enjoying the sensation while hating its reminder of reality. Shifting slightly, she feels another stretch of heat on her lower half accompanied by a particular pressure–a fleshy, bony, human one. 

She blinks her eyes open and two golden brown orbs peer back, the sunlight catching on his long eyelashes. 

Oh god. 

“How long have you been staring at me?”

It comes out as a whine, hovering somewhere between embarrassed and exasperated. Now fully awake, she recognizes that the heated pressure on her lower hip is in fact related to the aforementioned pair of eyes—more specifically a rather toned arm in which the accompanied hand drapes idly onto her back so the fingers press into her skin. 

“M’not staring,” he murmurs back, eyes darting to some other part of the room as proof, “Don’t have my glasses on–can’t see even if I wanted to.”

“You aren’t blind,” she huffs. “Obviously you can see that I am in front of you, laying here…uh–”

Suddenly, that line of thought feels hazardous. 

“Yes, ok. You caught me,” he admits, the mischievous glint in his eye more pronounced without his glasses, “--but only because I’ve awoken to find a red, human-shaped blob taking up half of my pillow and assumed Sirius stuffed a pack of fire slugs next to me.”

“So I resemble fire slugs then—you really know how to woo a lady, don’t you?”

James grins and a twinge of red blankets his cheeks. “Evidently it comes natural.”

She knows she should move, gently push his arm off her midsection and pick herself out of bed, James’ bed, but the room is so cold and the pillow so soft, and her body perfectly relaxed with no rush….

“I guess I should apologize now, while you are still too groggy to be angry at me,” James says, pulling her mind back. Lily crinkles her forehead.

“Apologize for what, you actually did me a favor. The common room couches are deceitfully uncomfortable to sleep on, and god knows I wasn’t going to try to enter my room after—-you know.”

He does know, because the whole bloody school probably did by this point: the quidditch party devolving into a loud screaming match between Sophia McCloud and Marlene Mckinnon, the throwing of drinks, the loud slamming of doors and locking charms barring anyone (dorm mates  included) from entering the sixth year girls’ room. 

“Yeah well,” James starts, his batting eyelashes making him look sheepish—but not cute, and certainly not attractive in an endearing, sweet sort of way. “I had truly meant to transfigure one of the pillows into a cot for you but I guess the firewhiskey and perpetual sleep deprivation caught up to me quicker than I expected.”

His eyes shift again, this time down her neck before snapping back to her face, cheeks blazing harder than before. Can’t see, my ass. But the action gives a sudden pang to the gut, reminding her that she also had let the firewhiskey get away from her and maybe she was in less form than she thought. 

Peering down, she gives an audible sigh of relief to see she is still in her clothes from the night before–Thank merlin, christ almighty. But just the same, her dress for the evening had been a little muggle number that gave less to the imagination than her stuffy school uniform– and judging by James’ vantage point he probably was able to get a decent view down the V in the neckline. 

“Well anyways,” she says, shifting to fold a hand across her chest between them. “It was nice of you. I’m sorry for any pillow stealing that might have occurred in my slumber.”

A soft silence falls over them, strangely comfortable given the circumstances. She can feel his heartbeat against her forearm, a defiant thump thump thump that serves as a reminder that yes, you are in his bed with his hand over your body and his face unreasonably close to yours.

“So, what do we do now?” She doesn’t know why she whispers it—maybe, if she is being honest with herself, because a deep dark part of her wishes she didn’t say anything and could fall back asleep with him just a little bit longer. 

“Well,” he clears his throat, eyelashes doing that thing again that makes her definitely not want to lean in and press her lips to his eyelids, “Don’t quote me on this, but I think the general idea is: you wake up, lift yourself off the mattress, place both feet on the floor, force yourself into a standing position, then—”

“Nevermind, forget I asked,” Lily groans, trying and failing to suppress a giggle. Her head leans forward and taps into his collarbone, just as warm and stable as the arm still still! wrapped around her. 

“Any chance we will be able to walk away from this without an avalanche of gossip?” She feels him stiffen against her. 

“Er–unfortunately not. Though I’ll do my duty to say nothing happened if you do—because that’s what happened—nothing. Just helping a friend, nothing more.”

The ever increasing clang in his chest makes the repetition of the word nothing feel wildly unconvincing despite it being the truth. 

“Ok, so how about we don’t talk about it instead—it’s none of their business anyway,” she says, a flush crawling onto her face.

James goes quiet again and the heat from his chest starts to lull her eyes shut. She can feel a small indent in the mattress where he must usually lay and lets the image of him splayed out in his bed swirl in her head: his hair sticking in all directions, night shirt riding up, mouth slightly agape—

Nope. Bad idea. 

“Hey Evans?” His voice travels as though coming out of a vast tunnel. The smell of sweat and spice willing her to nuzzle deeper—definitely not a smell she wishes she could bottle forever.

A tiny, more coherent part of her waits for him to call again, but she is greeted with only silence. The arm around her waist trembles, making a hesitant decision before pulling in tighter, pressing strong, stable finger pads into the bit of exposed skin found there. Being between the weight of his hand and the cocoon of his chest feels safe and only as the dancing images behind her eyelids fade and sleep takes her again does she have the epiphany that what she is experiencing is the sensation of being held. 

Under the depths of sleep, her hand uncurls into the front of his shirt, a reciprocation in the smallest of senses. Another pressure appears against the top of her head as his lips linger there, sweet and soft and over sooner than she would like.

 For a moment her coherent side rears up, urging her to tilt upwards enough to catch his lips before they drift away, but it's already too late. Another missed opportunity in their shared comedy of errors. 

Later they will step out of bed into the sunlight, face the day and the questions of berating friends and gossip. They will say it was nothing—a favor among friends, an act of necessity. But for now, she lets her walls crumble, grow flimsy and crack with years of service.

 Free of obtrusion she basks in the afterglow, the rise and fall of his chest now the rhythm of the universe; a constant beat in which she hopes to never lose time. 

[starchaserdreams]

My fics on AO3

Alright, so I deleted my AO3 account a few months ago (thinking I was done with this) and orphaned all of my works. Well, now I deeply regret that. But I have collected as many of them as I could find here for anyone who's interested.

Jegulus/Starchaser

Temptation Eyes (Now Complete!) - My Jegulus Regency AU. Completed, being posted one chapter twice a week. James enters the London season hoping to find a wife. What he finds instead is Regulus Black, and he never looks back. But as implied by the era, it won't be easy for them. Background wolfstar, shown as a different approach to a queer relationship in the regency era.

Get Regulus Out - 82k, Rated M, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Working Through Trauma, No War/Riddle AU, background Wolfstar, background Marylily. James tries to convince Regulus to leave Grimmauld Place as Sirius once did, and save himself from his parents.

How to Spot Signs of Jealousy - 4k, fake/pretend relationship, mutual pining, miscommunication. After Regulus gets fed up with people asking him out because of his family name, he and Barty agree to fake date. For some reason, James Potter seems livid...and Regulus can only guess that it's because he's homophobic. That's got to be it, right?

But Where's Regulus - 1k. James on laughing gas after getting his wisdom teeth taken out and talking about how much he likes Regulus

Waking Up Slowly - 2k. James wakes up in bed with Regulus in the Gryffindor dorm, something Sirius might not take kindly to.

I've Read Your Book - 1k. Two one shots based on the same premise: Writer!James didn't even know Regulus knew about his book, let alone had read it, but Regulus comes up to him and says "I've read your book" aka the most exciting words of all time to start a conversation for a writer.

Little Ball of Fire - 1k. Regulus gets into an argument with Snape. Regulus begins threatening him, so James picks Regulus up and carries/drags him out of the room before anyone gets hurt.

Prongsfoot/Bambibelle

What's in a Name - 5k, Soulmates AU, secret crush. In a world where soulmates exist and can identify each other by the feeling they get when they say each other's names, it's pretty easy to identify who your soulmate is. But for Sirius and James who only call each other by their nicknames, it takes a while to finally know.

The Bachelorette - 15k, mutual pining, Bachelorette AU. Sirius and James are both cast as contestants on the Bachelorette. Although their stated goal was to woo Lily and capture her heart, they don’t quite manage it. They fall for each other instead.

A Real Marriage Under Wizarding Law - 6k, mutual pining, fake/pretend relationship, drunken shenanigans. Sirius and James get a quickie drunken marriage in Knockturn Alley. When they wake up in the morning, they decide not to get it annulled so that they can save Sirius from an arranged marriage.

The Only Transfer Students to Ever Come to Hogwarts - 9k, arranged marriage, hijinx, angst with a happy ending. Sirius is upset to learn that not only does he have to transfer to a new school, but his parents have set up an arranged marriage for him. James assures him that's impossible, but Sirius knows his parents don't make empty threats. (Written for Prongsfoot Bingo)

The Smell of Water - 4k, Amortentia, idiots in love. Sirius and James argue about what they're smelling without realizing that there's Amortentia in the room. When Sirius realizes, he becomes a whole mess about it. (Written for Prongsfoot Bingo)

Wolfstar

Wolfstar Microfics Theme: Love - 8k, a collection of 22 microfics themed around love

6x James Found Out, and 1x Harry Did - 10k. Six ways James could have learned about Sirius and Remus' secret relationship, and one way Harry could have learned about it. *This is specifically ATYD fanfiction, and it's set in that universe.

[lulublack90]

Prompt 12 - Mutual Pining

@wolfstarmicrofic May 12, word count 618

Remus sighed deeply as he watched Sirius jumping across the Gryffindor table during lunch, scattering tureens of peas everywhere as he tried to escape Lily and her wand. 

“Not fast enough, Black!” She called and then Sirius was hiccuping bubbles. Remus sighed again. How could anyone still look as good as Sirius did with bubbles escaping from their lips? It made his heart ache to think how much he wanted to be with Sirius. To stroke his fingers along those sharp cheekbones. To taste his lips. To feel the muscles he knew lurked beneath Sirius’s robes. But Sirius was his best friend, and he knew he should stop thinking about him in that way. But he couldn’t. 

Sirius sulked for the remainder of the afternoon, and after a quick trip to see Madam Pomfrey, the flow of bubbles from his mouth stopped. 

“I told you not to keep going, mate.” James snorted as he patted his head. “You don’t mess with Evans.” 

James had been entirely unhelpful in his argument with Lily Evans. He hadn’t even cared that it was about his things being all over the common room. He would have gladly picked them up and apologised. It was that she’d ordered him to pick them up. Her tone had been exactly the same as his mother's, so he’d responded as such. However, his mother had never made bubbles spew from his mouth, so they differed there. He wasn’t going to pick up his quills and parchment though, on principle. 

Remus was sitting in front of him in charms, so Sirius stared longingly at him, trying to take his mind off everything else.

Remus was rubbing the back of his neck, trying to loosen a knot. The full moon was only a few days away and Sirius knew how sore he got. 

Sirius wanted nothing more than to get his hands on Remus’s neck and massage the pain away. But Remus would never allow that. 

He’d kept a distance between them since the beginning of the year, and it was breaking Sirius’s heart. He’d secretly been in love with Remus for a while now and not being allowed near him made him want to pull his hair out. Maybe he’d just try his luck later and massage Remus’s neck like he wanted to. 

Remus was uncomfortable. He couldn’t quite get the right angle or pressure to relieve the knot in his neck. He’d gone upstairs hoping a bath would help. But it hadn’t. He sat on his bed leaning as far forward as he could, his fingers uselessly pressing the wrong spot. 

The dorm room door opened and Sirius walked in. Remus watched as Sirius came closer and hopped up behind him on his bed and propped himself up on Remus's pillows. Remus tried to turn, but Sirius wrapped his arms around his chest and hauled him against his own. 

“Sirius!” Remus protested. But then Sirius got his hands on Remus’s neck and all the protest left him. He groaned loudly at the perfect pressure Sirius’s fingers exerted. The knot soon came loose, and he collapsed back onto Sirius’s chest, ignoring his own rules about not revealing how much he wanted to be like this with Sirius all the time and just enjoying the moment. He held in a sigh as Sirius's fingers accidentally stroked down his arm. 

Too soon, James came bounding in, closely followed by Peter.  Sirius carefully extracted himself from Remus and went to brush his teeth. Remus could have sworn he saw a happy smile creeping across Sirius’s face, but he didn’t think any more about it as he relaxed into his bed. For the first time in two days he was comfortable. 

[k-lea7]

yall don’t understand the chokehold jegulus has of me. what do you mean i see a game board/ children’s section and a silent study room next to each other and think about how james wanted to spend more time with regulus so he would go read to the kids while regulus studied. BUT THEY BOTH WOULD STEAL GLANCES!! like james would look over and see regulus biting the end of his pencil and when regulus would look at james reading to the kids he would be so affected by how patient he was with them and realizing how patient he is with regulus too!!

[musicalbl00m]

Imagine #2: Confessing your love to them.

wordcount: 590

Love confession to your friend while he gets ready for a date

not beta-read

“You sure I look alright, sweetheart?” he asks, running his fingers through his hair again. “It’s been so long since I’ve been on a date.” He mumbles.

Instead of replying, you are contemplating your whole existence. You’ve been in love with him for as long as you’ve known him, and for a while you thought the feeling was mutual. But alas, you didn’t have the balls to confess, and he hasn’t done so either. So, here you are, giving the boy you loved with your whole heart advice for his date with another girl.

Being so lost in thought, you didn’t notice his confusion at your silence. He knew you’ve been having a little rough time lately, but you haven’t been yourself for a few days. For a second he contemplates if its because of his date, but he quickly dismisses that thought.

“You know, if you’re not feeling well you don’t have to stay here. Its late and I know that you usually like to go to bed early. I don’t want to keep you up. I’m a big boy, I can handle myself.” He says earnestly.

You sigh softly, before looking up at him. He spots the pained look in your eyes and walks over to where you are sitting on his bed. Carefully, he cups your cheeks and looks at you with a gentle gaze.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours, sweetheart? You’ve been awfully quiet.” He asks softly, his thumb caressing your skin.

“I just…” you say hesitantly, looking into his mesmerizing eyes. “Are you sure you want to go on that date? She just… doesn’t seem like your type.”

“I don’t know, I just thought it was time for me to get out there you know. Is the date really what’s bothering you? Do you know her from something? Did she hurt you?” He asks, worried at the thought of someone hurting you.

“No not at all! She seems lovely.” You say hurriedly. “I guess I just always hoped… that I had a chance or something. I know its silly but…” You don’t finish your sentence immediately, trying to see his reaction, only to see him patiently waiting for you to finish. “I always hoped that at the end of the day it would be me you came home to, you know. That I’d be the one you kissed. And for a while I had hope that you felt the same, but I just got too insecure I guess.” You confess, closing your eyes as if to shield yourself from the possible rejection.

He lets out a soft chuckle, before pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. “You know, you have nothing to be insecure about sweetheart.” He says softly. “You are so incredibly kind, and creative. You are smart and helpful. You are beautiful and so incredibly fashionable.” He tells you with a cheeky grin as he tugs on the hello kitty sweatpants you are wearing. “You are everything a guy could want and much more. And I’ll be yours in a heartbeat, sweetheart. I just need you to say the words.” He confesses to you, looking into your eyes with a soft gaze.

“I am so incredibly in love with you. I have been forever and ever. Please let me be yours.” You tell him, almost begging.

“Took you long enough.” He teases, before connecting your lips in a soft kiss.

“I am so utterly in love with you too, sweetheart.” He mumbles, before continuing to press soft kisses to your lips.

[wolfstargazer]

12th May - Mutual Pining - @wolfstarmicrofic - word count: 421

It was hot. It was airless. The scent of parchment, and dusty tapestries, and sunbaked flagstones clung to everything.

Sirius lay, one hand resting on his stomach, shirt unbutton past his collar bone, listening to the sound of the water of the Great Lake lapping langourously at the shore. His eyes were closed, orange pin-pricked with stars beneath his eyelids, listening as Lily tried and failed to patiently explain it to James one last time.

"I'm never going to get this."

"You will," Lily insisted.

James hmphed and in his mind's eyes Sirius pictured him push his glasses up his nose before he said, "I'm worried that all this cramming is just pushing all the stuff I do know out of my head."

"But maybe if I just explain it one more time..."

"Give it up, Evans. Please do us all a favour and just enjoy the sun."

There was what Sirius interpreted as a furious silence. Sure enough, Sirius opened one eye and saw Lily scowling in his direction.

That was before James reached out, pulled Lily into his arms, and planted an impromptu kiss on her cheek.

Lily's scowl melted despite herself before she laughed and pushed him away.

"Where's Remus anyway?" Lily asked, smoothing down her hair and casting her eyes back up the path towards the castle. "We could do with someone to restore some sense to this so-called study session."

"That's him coming now," James said, nodding.

Sirius felt the tell-tale flutter in his stomach which he suppressed, shielding his eyes from the sun and looking over to where Remus was walking towards them.

He recognised the gait, wide and slightly lilting. He saw Remus' eyes narrow into a smile, wrinkled at the edges, as he spotted his friends at the lakeside and gave a wave. His sleeves were rolled over his elbows. It was so warm that even Remus, who keenly felt the cold, made this concession to the heat. Sirius saw as he drew closer the muscles of his forearms, his skin slightly tanned from the weeks of good weather.

Remus greeted them and sat down beside them. Siririus watched the slight bead of sweat roll from Remus' brow to his cheek and disappear round the curve of his neck. 

Remus turned, sensing Sirius watching, and Sirius passed his hand over his forehead, rubbing his eyes wearily before saying with an affected yawn, "Good of you to join us, Mr Moony. Now test Lily on her Arithmancy before she makes poor Prongs' brain capsize."

[bluedahlia912]

New one shot!

[barty-party]

okay okay

praying this lands on the right peoples for you

i present😁

marauders era texting fic bc muggle technology definitely works at hogwarts

very very gay

and aroace mention☺️

i cant really easily do under the cut for this because its continuous sorry😔

WHERE ARE MY MARAUDERS CHILDREN☹️☹️

[soupyloopyx]

Sirius: omg thats so funny tho lol Sirius: damn comedian in the chat yall Remus: OMG! He agreed with me. Holy shit I’m falling too hard. Haha hard. Fuck, he’s rubbing off on me. OMG LMAOO RUBBING OFF HEHEH Lily: ??? wtf ??? Remus: OH SHIT WRONG CHAT

[wordsofwilderness]

Hear me out but, handholding AND knotting at the same time 🥰

[lupinsloverr]

Warmth

Remus x fem!reader

Summary ~ You go to the quidditch tournament to support James and Sirius. You find Remus there as well, he's anxious to be in the crowd but your company calms him and his company keeps you warm.

Contents ~ Fluff, handholding, comfort, body warmth, mutual pining.

The stands were packed as you made your way into them. Lily had told you she'd sit with you but she had to cancel last minute to catch up on schoolwork. It seemed James has been taking up too much of her time. James who you were at the game to support along with your friend Sirius Black.

Your eyes scanned the stands for any familiar face to sit with and they landed on Remus. He was wearing one of his sweaters, even though you were freezing wearing layers of clothing along with your robe you knew his body temperature worked differently. Even though you knew he was probably hot as a kettle, the way he seemed to huddle into himself at the moment made it seem the opposite.

He was uncomfortable, you realized. Remus wasn't fond of loud and busy crowds. Which is why you hadn't expected to find him at a Slytherin versus Gryffindor game. You'd thought he'd stay in the library and read. 

"Moony!" You called out.

His attention quickly turned towards you. A faint smile colored his face as he waved with a small book in his hand. Remus has held feelings for you since third year, he just didn't know how to put it into words and was afraid you wouldn't feel the same. So instead he settled for your friendship.

The two of you met halfway on the Gryffindor stands.

"Sorry to break it to you love, but our mascot isn't a human Icicle." Remus teased as his eyes swept over the rest of your figure.

"Well it'll have to be considering this bloody quidditch match happens to be on the windiest day ever."

Remus rolled his eyes, "You're such a drama queen. Sirius has competition."

You laughed knowing very well that you had nothing on Sirius's level of dramatic.

Remus fiddled with his now free hands, he'd slid his book into his back pocket, something you found attractive. You noticed he'd ditched the cane today. And even though he's told you and the boys not to fuss over him, you still didn't like him unnecessarily being on his feet for too long.

"Wanna sit over there?" You point to the seats in corner of the tower. It wasn't as crowded as the other areas in the Gryffindor stands.

Remus nodded taking a moment to admire how cute you looked with your cheeks all red. He'd have to thank the chilly weather even though you despised it.

You smiled at him before gently taking his hand and leading him to the seats. Remus reveled in how good it felt to have your hand in his. How right it felt and when you'd reached the seats he didn't want to let go... neither did you. So instead you pretended it was a platonic action as you took a seat.

"You really are freezing." Remus said in all seriousness.

You dragged your eyes away from the pitch to look at your concerned friend, "I'm fine."

Liar. Remus thought, not taking his gaze off of yours.

The crowd suddenly stood and cheered. You and Remus had been so busy ogling each other that you missed James score.

"Yeah James!" You called feeling a tad guilty.

When you glanced at Remus you found him still staring at you. You doubt he even payed any of his attention to the field.

"C'mere." He muttered, scooting closer to you. Releasing your hand he moved it around your back and pulled you in. "I'll keep you warm, dove."

You shuddered at the feel of him, even with an armor of clothes on you could feeling his warmth.

"Thank you, Moons." You said leaning into him.

"Anything for my favorite girl."

Cass speaks ~ Oh how I love Remus Lupin. I have a marauders one shot story on wattpad and I decided I should post some of them up here.