#mans DESERVES some clout

[annqer]

when he looks at you like []_[]

[weed-cat]

bestie, i love that you believe in me like that but you're drastically overestimating my follower count 😭😭 i have been chilling at like 270-ish forever lol

outrageous?? sincerely?????

[local-hellhound-steals-spaghetti]

Not to be a killjoy (though it is what I do best) but the unsafe and rough handling of a baby Pygmy hippo in a pretty substandard Thai zoo being meme-ed into something funny and cute really shows just how much groupthink plays into public perception of animal welfare.

Moo Deng shows avoidance, threat displays and stress around her keepers that are constantly man-handling her, blasting her with a hose and harassing her. The enclosure is mostly concrete, which is horrible for her soft feet. There looks to be some substrate but there doesn’t seem to be any areas for wallowing or deep water wading.

There’s also very easy access of this hippo to the public with no places to hide. I’d love if someone could shed more light on the enclosures but from what I’ve seen it’s not great.

Also the free contact and forcing into tubs that the keepers do is only going to create an avoidant and potentially aggressive and dangerous Pygmy hippo.

But the public happily overlook that because she’s cute. It’s a similar attitude with seals too.

Stop rewarding bad husbandry with clout. Baby animals deserve agency and respect and to grow up without getting harassed and feeling the need to defend themselves constantly.

[chaoskingle7th]

awareness blog mutuals boost this post

degenerates @speedygoreman @archiewantsheetmetal @jesterday00 are projecting pedophiles plus their mutuals obsess over vulnerable cutesy child bs obsess over a little boy and adult man interacting little too much

notice the plethora of the users show their true colors to the little boy character's aged up version

degenerates projected so bad did not even get to know wonky toons more as a person instantly took out dated debunked misinformation at face value did not listen to wonky toons side even when users politely corrected them

projecting pedophile manipulative degenerates @speedygoreman @jesterday00 and @archiewantsheetmetal did not apologize to wonky toons spread out dated debunked taken a part misinformation

wonky toons is innocent she has had a temper insulted any one insulting her first she does not do it for no reason do not listen to the deranged degenerates victimizing to make wonky toons look bad

@jesterday00 is a 24 year old who gotta trace art work interacting with minors saying ' /affectionate ' to 17 yr olds acting generally weird overly polite with minors immature freaks nitpicked bad with wonky toons but on here same degenerates never question how a 24 year old is talking to minors

wonky toons was proved to be innocent

you are in denial wonky toons is innocent if you see any one putting up out dated debunked evidence about wonky toons do not fall for it wonky toons was surrounded by the wrong toxic people who took every thing out of context had bad faith trying to make wonky toons look strange she is a very funny intelligent nice person she was treated wrong by a lot of people

we defend wonky toons cause she deserves it she is not who you negatively think she is

do not listen to wonky toons ' jealous haters wonky toons was proven innocent already

degenerates who tried to take wonky toons down allowed a groomer to run the obsessive fest burner account about her that garnered clout was used against her

degenerates also let her groomer sarahericproductions get involved bring up old bs tried to make a fnf mod out of her

wonky toons was the one warning the people about who they truly should be calling out they did not do anything about it until that user personally only did some thing to those people in specific they did not listen to wonky toons they were jealous of her too obliged to bias to see how she has so much potential and intelligence and creativity until they realized wonky toons was right

[cosmicplexus]

Mars In Men Part 1

11 January 2025, 22:02(Gemini Moon transits make this so much easier)

Note: Based on my experiences of heterosexual men, but I'm quite positive there are similarities with queer men🤍

🥀I often get questions from friends regarding how to know if he's truly attracted to you and what he's attracted to. While I do love sharing my knowledge and observations and wish I could share this knowledge with every girl, I advise you guys to not use this to force yourself where you are not wanted. You are worthy and deserve better and you should use this to avoid getting your time wasted. Without further ado, let me share...🥀

♂️Aries Mars ~ He's attracted to confident women; your go-getters, bold and daring kind. He loves women that are sexually expressive and he may be the type to like women that live a lifestyle centred around fitness, sport or some sort of physical activity. He likes fit women and is attracted to women that are body conscious and constantly work at maintaining their body. Meekness may turn him off, which is ironic because he seeks submission, but prefers to tame more dominant women.

♂️ Taurus Mars ~ He's a beauty digger. If beauty is the magnet then he's the coin. He likes conventionally attractive women. He's moreso into curvier women and just like the cancer mars, he may like his women on the really thicker side(There is obviously exceptions to this). He tends to look for beauty first then everything else after. He's the type to fall in love off looks alone. He likes a woman that constantly adorns herself, more than the libra mars man contrary to popular belief. He prefers for the woman he chooses to be more than easy on the eyes. He's impressed by a good dressing style. He's impressed by women with something going on for themselves as he values having money and people with money. Another way to his heart is through good food.

♂️ Gemini Mars ~ While he's an intellectual and may lean more towards brainy women, this man has an air of superficiality. He prefers a conventionally attractive woman, but may create an exception if he finds her mind attractive. Overall this man likes to be mentally stimulated and literally does get turnt on from intellectual conversations. He's attracted to knowledgeable women, the witty kind and he likes for his women to have a youthful side to them, keep up with the trends and be cool.

♂️Cancer Mars ~ This may sound weird to some, but he's attracted to women that model after the maternal figure he had growing up, could be his mom or other figure. He's attracted to nurturing women that he feels have a maternal thing to them, but he attaches a look to it. He's a sucker for plus-sized women and while there may be exceptions, I don't advise slim women to entertain this man. He automatically perceives your more curvier women to be maternal and nurturing regardless of whether it's true or not. He has a breeding kink, but may be all over the place about it which may result into him planting his seed in multiple gardens.

♂️Leo Mars ~ He's the flamboyant kind so he gravitates towards those he feels he'll be proud to show off. It could be in their looks, dressing sense or even accolades. He's attracted to a woman that represents herself quite well in public merely on the basis of appearances. While he wants to be at the center of the spotlight, he wants someone that'll look good sharing some of the spotlight with him. He's attracted to self-assured women and may be the type to want you to have some clout to your name. He may not be comfortable with women with more buzz than he does.

♂️Virgo Mars ~ This man is very picky and more judgemental than the usual. He looks for cleanliness in a woman more than the average man. Any sign of disorder may turn him off. He's attracted to ambitious women with something to their name. He likes women who make their own money. He's attracted to a woman who's put together. He wants to be able to brag about your accolades. Determination and hard work are a turn on to him more than the usual man. He may not be too particular about the physical specifications, but neatness will always do wonders with this man. He's also quite the intellectual, but for more practical reasons and a woman with a sensible mind is someone he wants by his side.

We're at the end of part 1...stay tuned for part 2

~cosmic plexus ©🌻🌻🌻

[darkenedroses-world]

Protective Mode — Smii7y x Reader

f!reader, angst, protective Smii7y, found family, social media drama, request🦋

It started out so harmless.

The guys were in full chaos mode during a stream, their voices overlapping as they bantered back and forth. The noise spilled into the kitchen where you were humming to yourself, finishing up a fresh batch of cookies. “Yo, Smii7y,” Grizzy’s voice cut through, loud and teasing. “Is that you getting fed again? I swear I hear plates and shit clinking.” “Oh, it’s definitely Y/N,” Droid added, laughing. “Bro, you’re actually spoiled. Does she, like, just live in the kitchen for you?” Puffer chimed in next, snickering. “Nah, Y/N’s the real MVP. If I lived with Smii7y, I’d let that man starve.” “Fuck off,” Smii7y said, his voice muffled slightly by his mic, but there was a smile in his tone. “I didn’t ask for anything. She just does it ‘cause she’s nice.” Grizzy laughed. “I’m just saying, it’s like having a full-time mom who’s also your girlfriend. Y/N’s a saint.” You could faintly hear Smii7y huff over the sound of your oven door closing. “You guys are stupid.” The chat, of course, picked up on it instantly. Questions flooded in, waves of “WHO’S Y/N?” and “SHE COOKS FOR YOU?!!” spamming the stream. Smii7y didn’t give much more context, brushing off the teasing with his usual wit. “She’s my girlfriend, chat. Chill out.” What happened next was inevitable.

You’d been careful about keeping your life private, but it didn’t stop fans from diving deep. Within hours, they’d found your Instagram—pictures of meals, sunset views, and candid shots you’d thought nothing of. The comments started small—curious, lighthearted questions—but quickly spiraled into insults:

• “She’s not even cute. What’s Smii7y doing with her?”

• “She doesn’t deserve him.”

• “Bet she’s a clout chaser. Smii7y could do better.”

• “You’re ruining his streams. Kill yourself.”

At first, you tried to ignore it, turning off notifications and forcing yourself to scroll past the cruel words. But the messages kept coming—DMs filled with threats, accusations, and things you didn’t want to repeat aloud. A day later, Smii7y was streaming again, unaware of just how bad things had gotten. You were curled up in the corner of the couch, mindlessly scrolling your phone. The distant sound of Smii7y’s voice filtered through his mic, calm and familiar as he played. “Chat, relax, I’m focusing,” he said, chuckling softly. “I’m trying to win here.” Then, the silence stretched too long. “…What the fuck did you just say?” His voice was low, sharp, and cold. Your head shot up. Smii7y rarely sounded like that—something was wrong. “What’s wrong?” you asked, sitting up straight, but he didn’t answer right away. “Chat,” he growled, the bite in his voice making you shiver, “which one of you thought it’d be a good idea to talk shit about my girlfriend? Huh? You think I wouldn’t see it?” You froze, heart pounding as he continued. “Don’t you dare bring her into this bullshit,” he snapped, his tone getting louder. “You wanna talk shit about me? Go ahead—I don’t care. But leave her the fuck out of it.” The chat flooded with messages—some confused, others panicking—but Smii7y wasn’t done. “She doesn’t deserve this. She’s done nothing but be kind and patient with me and with life in general. And what do you do? You harass her? You send her death threats because I mentioned her name? Are you out of your fucking minds?”

You swallowed hard, eyes stinging as you watched him defend you so fiercely. Puffer’s voice suddenly cut through Discord, alarmed. “Wait, hold up—what’s going on?” “People are being assholes to Y/N,” Smii7y snapped, his tone still fiery. Puffer let out a disbelieving laugh. “No fucking way. Over what? Being a decent human?” Grizzy’s mic clicked on next, his voice dead serious. “That’s fucking wild. Y’all really mad at her because she cooks and cares about people? You need help.” “She made me the best ribs of my life,” Droid added, clearly pissed. “Y’all couldn’t even dream of someone being that nice to you.” “Exactly,” Smii7y said, his voice rising. “She doesn’t owe you anything. She’s not a streamer; she’s not part of this world. She’s just living her fucking life—and now she has to deal with this?” You buried your face in your hands, overwhelmed by the intensity of his words. “You wanna harass her? Fine,” Smii7y spat. “But just know you’ll never see my face in your chat again. You’re not a fan if this is how you act.” Puffer chimed in again, softer this time. “Seriously, y’all need to chill. She’s, like, the nicest person I’ve ever met. You’re ruining it for everyone.” Grizzy groaned. “For real. Grow up, man.” After the stream ended, Smii7y turned his chair and stood, crossing the room to pull you into his arms. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, holding you close. “I didn’t think they’d take it this far.” You clung to him, tears slipping down your cheeks. “It’s not your fault. But… thank you. For standing up for me.”

He pulled back just enough to meet your eyes, his expression softening. “You’re my everything. I’m not letting anyone treat you like shit. Ever.” You managed a weak smile, your voice breaking. “I love you.” Smii7y kissed your forehead, his hold tightening protectively. “I love you, too. And don’t worry—next time, they won’t get off so easy.”

[prickly-paprikash]

The Bishop in the first Castlevania season is pure evil who believes himself good. He's nearly every crime and hypocrisy of the Catholic Church distilled into one neat, wrinkly, putrid man. He is easy to hate. He is supposed to be despised and we are expected to cheer and rejoice when Blue Fangs chewed on half this man's face.

He uses god to control and manipulate the powers and people that be. While his belief in god may be true, the church and the faith are more tools for him to retain control. It is glaringly obvious that this man is power-hungry.

There is nothing, and I mean nothing at all redeemable about that asshole.

The Abbott is every conservative relative who genuinely loves you, but is a blind idiot holding on to institutions simply because they are "right".

While the Bishop's character is real, most of us won't encounter him. We see him on the news. I'm not even American (been there once for two weeks) but even I've seen his like on news and media. He's a televangelist who consolidates wealth, clout and power through the fanaticism of his followers. He is drunk on the authority he possesses. His belief in god isn't the point; whether or not he holds faith, the man cares solely about power.

The Abbott is someone in our lives we know well. Your conservative mother who refuses to even show a modicum of tolerance towards queer people. Your father who is buying into the religious side of Youtube and Tiktok. Your brother who has grown up to carry terrifying, fascistic beliefs. Your sister who feels lost and found some semblance of acceptance in a church who still believes women are lesser. Your aunt who despises vaccines. Your uncle who tells you that you should've become a priest or a soldier.

The Abbott, deep down, has some redeeming features. But it's not enough to forgive him for his idiocy.

Ask any child who had to grow up with a religious parent, especially a Catholic or an Evangelical. They fucking love the story of Abraham sacrificing his child to God, and finding a ram in its place.

Evangelicals are bent on this tale. They will always preach that god comes before children. That children and their suffering and their needs must always take a backseat to the word of god.

A trans child asking their parents to understand—their words will fall on deaf ears because god and the holy man told them that 'transgenderism' is a vile philosophy that seeks to groom and twist kids. A college freshman debating with their parents about free healthcare and immigration will be stonewalled because the charismatic preacher said that god will provide. god will heal. god did not invite these foreigners into this land.

It is Maria, begging her father to listen and having her pleas fall on deaf ears.

The Abbott is someone I hate more than the Bishop.

Men like the Bishop exist, but they are few and far in-between.

But the Abbott? The Abbott is someone I share a table with at dinner. He's someone I see during family reunions. He's someone who shares misinformation online, and I see it on my timeline because we're social media friends.

I fucking hate him so much and I hope he gets what's his.

He never deserved Tera. He never once deserved Maria.

[whamgram]

Charlastor Week - Day 7 - Free Day

 An AU where Charlie and Alastor are podcasters. 🎙️ This one has been percolating in my brain for a while! Plot summary under the cut.

Alastor is the OG overlord of true crime. Back in his college days, he and his roommate Vox started what would become one of the first ever podcasts. With Vox’s tech savviness and Alastor’s knack for dramatic storytelling, The Hazbin Radio Program quickly became the podcast playing in every commuter’s car, gym bro’s headphones, and office jockey’s earbuds. Focusing on crimes where the victim “deserved what they got” might be controversial, but Alastor’s jazzy interludes and old timey radio schtick add a certain kind of whimsy to every episode.

As Vox grew their dorm room recordings into a digital media empire, Alastor struggled to remain authentic in a world being rapidly consumed by social media and influencer culture. The two friends had a huge falling out. Knowing it would mean death for his beloved radio program if he didn’t stay, Alastor remained under contract with Voxtek Entertainment. Years later, his listenership is dwindling, his sponsors are dropping like flies, and his desperation is stronger than ever to finally break away and have complete creative control of his show.

Charlie has big dreams, a bigger heart, and a behemoth of a family legacy she’s trying to separate herself from. The Morningstar family name is synonymous with pain and punishment, as their network of for-profit prisons house nearly every incarcerated individual in the country. But Charlie refuses to let her rich and influential father buy her way into the industry. The Happy Podcast’s moderate success was due to her hard work, passion, and the secondhand recording equipment she bought with her own money. Like every amateur influencer, she dreams of landing a contract with VoxTek Entertainment. Not for the bragging rights or all those sweet endorsement deals, but because she truly believes that her podcast can inspire her listeners to be better people.

The Happy Podcast is a mix of self-help, advocacy, social commentary, and whatever else Charlie feels passionate about that week. This can sometimes cause a bit of controversy, like when her strong feelings about prison reform lead to an unhinged rant about why a recently imprisoned axe murderer “deserves a second chance” because “he was a good guy who volunteered at his local animal shelter”. Despite this, she still snags an invite to the annual VTE Summit and is hoping to get some facetime with the media mogul himself.

It’s at the VTE Summit that Alastor and Charlie meet. Charlie is as starstruck as she is charmed by the mystery man behind her favorite guilty pleasure podcast. Alastor finds himself instantly drawn to the bubbly young woman who knows a surprising amount about true crime. In a cesspool of wannabe celebrities and people who would sell their soul for a brand deal, she feels like the only other person who’s in it for the craft and the content, not the clout.

Be it fate, coincidence, or a bit of meddling on Alastor’s part, they continue to cross paths and eventually agree to help each other out. Alastor teaches Charlie the art of presentation and storytelling while she brings his technical skills into the 21st century so he can start producing his podcast on his own.

As the pair dance around their feelings and look for any excuse to spend time with each other, Charlie asks Alastor to be a guest on her show. It goes so well, he asks her to be a guest on his. Even their audiences can’t deny the chemistry between them. No one would have thought this odd pair of podcasts would work so well together, but the sky-rocketed ratings and influx of sponsorships speak for themselves.

They both are soon to get everything they always wanted. That is, until Charlie starts to wonder exactly how Alastor knows so much about the victims he discusses on his show.

[whumpbby]

I think the best take I've seen today is someone justifying being anti-JC with the argument that "it's been 13 years and he still didn't get over it! He's still angry! He yells at people! No one deserves to be yelled at!"

I mean, yes? That's how trauma works? You don't 'get over' stuff with no support. It's not pretty, but it's life my dude. Some people get hurt and then spend the rest of their life defensive and unfriendly. He was clearly put together and approachable enough to build a very wealthy, respected sect, and raise a child, so he didn't spend all that time wallowing in despair, did he?

I mean, against what people like to proclaim, Lan Wangji also didn't move on. He goes out and fights things, but his irrational anger towards JC is still alive and well, he didn't get over anything by understanding the situation everyone were in. He wasn't interested in asking how the hell things got so bad or why his own golden brother (who had 100% more clout than JC) didn't do anything to step in. He doesn't yell, but he's a dick nonetheless. Does JL deserve LWJ being a dick to him only because he doesn't like his uncle? Does he deserve Jingyi acting like a dick towards him because Huanguang-Jun also does, so it's safe?

No one moved on in this story - the war left them all shattered. They all commited atrocities. They all have regrets. Barely anyone gets any closure. Wei fucking Wuxian didn't move on - he just died and came back right after, and then ran from the hard questions because he didn't have the bandwidth to deal with them at the time. As you do when traumatised.

Dislike the man all you want, but the argument is just.... JC didn't stub his toe 13 years ago, he lost his entire extended family and was left to pick up the pieces. Thirteen years of being angry at the world is nothing.

[ivys-garden]

Alright, I'm going to write my own thoughts down on the situation, sorry if this gets rambly

First of all, Shubble is so brave for speaking up, it's really hard for victims to speak up against there abusers in a public setting and she deserves all the respect in the world for it

That being said we do need to be mindful to give her space, this was a really traumatic thing for her and we all need to be mindful of that, give her room to breath.

On the same lines, don't go after other ccs for not ""releasing statements"", content creators aren't companies, there people. Don't get on at them for not publicly supporting Shubble, especially since there undoubtedly doing it in private, which is probably better than shoving it out there for millions of people to see. Let people support there friend in a way they and shubble are confortable with, if shubble wants them to say something or they think they need to say something themselves, they will say it.

It's like Pearl said, just because you don't see something happening publicly doesn't mean it isn't happening

Also, don't jump to call Tommy or Phil or Grian or anyone else enablers because they haven't said anything, they'll need time to process this too, it's hard to find out that your friend is a domestic abuser, let them process this in piece and don't try to cancel them over nothing like a fool. (People like Tommy will need time especially since Wilbur befriended them when they were young and by all accounts manipulated them too)

If anyone of these people have anything they feel they need to say they'll say it when there good and ready, good life tip folks:Don't Harass People. Especially if they have almost nothing to do with this (honestly Saw someone say they were going to go on to fucking RT about this despite him not knowing either person very well, the fuck)

I know why people do it, they want to make sure there favourite content creators aren't also bad, but they are people and they deserve respect, I can garentee you that almost no Qsmp or Hermitcraft or Other MCYT member who knew him stands with Wilbur

(Also if anyone brings Techno into this fuck right off let the man rest.)

Also, some brain dead morons are saying that people calling out wilbur are doing it for clout and that they should have done it sooner, but most of the abuse happened in private, and wilbur manipulated others, many wouldn't have realised anything was wrong and if they did its still better and more respectful to come forward after shubble since its HER story to tell.

(This attack also doesn't work anymore because we have things like tubbos stream, where he actively discourages his chat from treating him like a hero for speaking out, but yeah sure they all don't give a shit about shubble and just want to make themselves look better, fuck outta here)

Now, if your a former wilbur fan, let me make this super clear

DONT WATCH HIM AND DONT LISTEN TO HIS MUSIC

"BuT SePuRaTe ThE ArT FrOm ThE Arti-

Nah. That doesn't work here. You can separate a book or game or movie, you can't with a cc. Its there face, there voice, there personality. Find a different band, find a different CC to watch. There are other options, I know it sucks to find out someone you like did an awful thing,but that doesn't mean we should support those people for our sakes, especially when people were actively hurt by there actions. Trust me everyone, this will get better, things will go back to how they were before

Finally, this should go without saying, Fuck William Gold to the core of teh fucking earth. And any who still support him.

He is a raging egotistical manipulator and abuser. don't blame people for not seeing it sooner, no one can do that. What we can do though is blame people who still wholeheartedly support him and his actions.

He has not "changed" nor will he ever at the rate at which he's going. He's still a egomaniac who's more concerned with saving his image than actually apologising for his actions, even then an apology wouldn't fix all he's done,it would just be closer and a jumping off point to be better, but he can't even fucking do that.

If wilbur does reflect and grow, good on him, but if he doesn't then I can say with absolute certainty we wouldn't fucking miss him.

Fuck Wilbur. Support Shelbym

[sugar-petals]

I screamed when I saw Tim on your feed yes we love a pretty guitar man

finally a fellow Tim Henson enthusiast!! 🎉

guess we have a type (= overqualified youtube twink w/ a futuristic fashion sense aka the best young guitarist out there 🗣).

risky post incoming cuz he's HOT & i love hands

[for those who don't know who this pretty boy is: tim's yt | tim's ig | tim's twt | about his band polyphia]

i agree he's gorgeous: jealousy magnet, mr henson has it all!!

- the delicious ink 😍 (neck tattoo: the sign of a masochist)

- 0% gravity hair (those fluffy waves! looking so soft tim, geez 🤒)

- the sexy 8 string guitar, cause he can, how does he do that??

- the alt beauty (tim radiates haughty expensive power bottom who talks back to get punished ngl, he's prog rock's #1 it boy)

-the sweater game, all day, every day (unmatched)

-the best technique. ice cold (easily most proficient hands in the music biz as of lately 😏 people either 1. hate him to the death or 2. need him carnally for this lmao, love me a polarizing guitar prodigy)

-A WHOLE FEMBOY BODY (even his ass is huge as of recently!! and the waist keeps getting smaller helpp)

I'm going feral over his body linee don't @ me!! how smokin' could anyone be??

-the actual live skills, not just yt editing (needless to say! any straight or bi man should be able to move his fingers like that hhh there I said it 😂 tim keeps the standards as high as he is lmao)

-the studio (oh the things that should be happening on that chair! ...anyways: it's so modern but not boring, i like it)

-the stylish guitars with the floral fretboards (guitar fuckers assemble!!! finally nylon strings are back thanks to him 💕)

-even more gorge guitars YES model it for us legend!!

-plus he's got an all-round good taste in everything. quality is key! composition and character is always a matter of taste. but timmy never dropped a bad video, bad promo, bad album covers, bad vlogs, bad cinematography, bad advert, bad ig post, bad anything. he's always the sassiest gnc slayer short king golden boy in the room doing the most 👑

...and seriously tho tim being texan youth i respect him defying the status quo!! that's real rock'n'roll☝️ he dressed for women and tops on the internet just to serve and confound some boomers along the way! prince would be proud 😎

homophobes leaving him anti-androgynous/misogynist/bodyshaming comments just can't cope with the sexiness, which he never compromised🤘 i truly pronounce tim bi ppls' favorite. since apparently nobody except the guitar community wants him we now own this man 🔥

-BONUS: last but not least look at this silver ibanez. look at it! tim is a design and aesthetics icon i rest my case... that many people still don't know about him is beyond me. he deserves all the clout!

i mean even personally... he's the kinda guy where you don't know if you came for the looks/fit or the skills and you stay for both! his playing style never disappoints. i always look forward to him dropping new material. tell me what your fave tim piece to listen to is ❤️

[tyrantisterror]

A Dozen Or So Great Vampire Ladies

Ok, so, on a mostly unrelated post the topic of good vampire ladies came up, and @bisexualdaikaiju suggested/challenged me to do a top 10 vampire women list. As a self-professed lover of vampire women, it felt like a challenge I couldn't back down from. But it is kind of challenging, for two kind of contradictory reasons.

First, while there are MANY female vampires in fiction, most of them feel like afterthoughts, getting far less characterization than their male counterparts, who more often than not are the star villains of the show. When these supporting lady vampires do get something to do, it's generally the same role: make their human lovers sad when they rise from the dead as a monster that has to be killed, an emotional beat that is often undercut by a lot of these vampire women not getting much characterization to endear them to us before they died. Everyone wants to have the Lucy Westerna plot beat from Dracula but they don't want to do the work that Bram did to make Lucy lovable. The lady vamps who get to step out of Lucy's shadow are rare - but that just makes them all the more wonderful.

The second problem is that, since this is an obsession of mine that few seem to share (there are lots of vampire fans, but man do the boy vamps get to hog the spotlight among them), I've done a lot of scattered thinking about it and I just know I'm bound to forget at least one excellent lady vampire character that should be here. And whittling it down to ten, and trying to rank them? That's too hard! My thoughts are too mercurial to do that reliably in a way I don't forget!

So instead here's a list of, like, a dozen or so lady vampires that I think are just fucking stellar, many of which I think break the mold of what pop culture makes us expect lady vampires to be. It is not ranked - I love all these characters more or less equally, and think it's a lot more interesting to see how they take their archetype in different directions than to figure out which one is "best" of the lot.

Carmilla Karnstein

I'm going to start with the most famous literary female vampire, Mircalla Karnstein from Carmilla. I think she might be the first vampire to have an unhealthy obsession with using anagrams of her real name as aliases, though I'm sure now that I've typed that someone will find an earlier example to school me. She's also the one who popularized the idea of lady vampires being extremely sapphic, with an arguably genuine romantic affection for her female victims. She's got well-deserved clout, basically, and like Dracula has been adapted countless times and reinterpreted in some excellent ways. My favorite screen Carmilla is Ingrid Pitt's take, which captures her fierceness, passion, and tragic nature so well.

2. Amy from Fright Night

Ok, we're having one Lucy Westerna knockoff on this list, but as Lucy knockoffs go, Amy is one of the best. It actually helps that she spends 90% of her movie as a human, because we get to know and love her so much before she turns monstrous. And once she does...

It is pants-shittingly terrifying. I will never stop raving about the vampire designs in this movie - they made their "game faces" so fucking monstrous and I feel like in a better world this would be the standard ever since, especially since they still gave the vampires pathos while making them so ghastly when they've got their feeding faces on.

3. Drusilla

Buffy the Vampire Slayer had a bunch of vampire characters, and to its credit they did a decent job of making the ladies just as distinct as the gents. Harmony and Darla could both have made this list, but my favorite was always Drusilla, who was so traumatized before she became a vampire that it kind of overwhelms the demon spirit inside her. Like, bare minimum thing to make a lady vampire more interesting than 90% of other female vampires in fiction: give her at least one personality trait, preferably an interesting one, outside of being a vampire. Drusilla's fun, and she survives the entire series after dumping her boyfriend to be a single female vampire. Good for her.

4. Ruby from Scary Godmother

Ok look I am a fake Scary Godmother fan but kudos to the artist of the books for making a lady vampire who's very clearly of the nosferatu mold and is also explicitly benign and sweet. A+ vampire lady character design. I hope it doesn't awaken anything in me.

5. Nadja

What We Do in the Shadows is excellent at finding new takes on vampires in general - it even made me actually like Psychic Vampires as a concept, a feat I thought was impossible - but goddamn do I love Nadja specifically. She's got a distinct personality as vampire ladies go, being very confident and self-assured while also being a complete fucking goober (it is a comedy, after all). She's perfectly capable of being terrifying AND hilarious, often at the same time. A vampire girl failure, in the parlance of our site. I love her.

6. Lady Dimitrescu

I know that she's apparently only in a fourth of the game, but it's still pretty great that Resident Evil 8 decided its mascot villain - its equivalent of the Tyrant, G, Nemesis, etc. - would be the hottest woman I've ever seen a milf an 8 foot tall lady vampire. She's not dainty and willowy like most lady vamps in fiction - not an ambush hunter - but rather HUGE and capable of tossing a human around like a rag doll. She's a physical powerhouse and she looks fine feminine while doing it. Despite being an unabashed blood-sucking monster, she still has enough depth and complexity to have important relationships (like a genuine love for her "giant mass of hive mind flies" daughters), and also she gets to have an awesome transformation into a fungal vampire dragon, which is rad as hell. Also goddamn, her fashion sense is immaculate.

7. Hecate from Hellboy

"Hey, she's not a vampire! She's a goddess! That doesn't count!" Fuck you, my list, my rules. Hecate posits herself as the progenitor and mother of vampires, she drinks blood, and her main form in the comic is as a sicknasty lamia version of the iron maiden used by Elizabeth fucking Bathory, if she doesn't count as a vampire, nothing should. She is the concept of a vampire amped up to maximum capacity, a major mythological figure and an awesome villain.

...also I lowkey shipped her and Hellboy when I was a teenager. They could have made it work!

8 - 12. Carmilla and her girl squad from Castlevania

I suppose I could have counted Castlevania's Carmilla as an adaptation of Miss Karnstein - they're both basted out of Styria, both sapphic, and it's clear she's meant to be an adaptation of the former, just as the Dracula of this show is meant to be a take on Bram's famous vampire. But ultimately they're VERY different characters in the grand scheme of things - Castlevania's Carmilla has none of the tenderness and vulnerability of her literary counterpart, instead being full of barely restrained fury. She is an excellent villain, complex enough to be interesting but thoroughly despicable enough to make it VERY satisfying when she bites it.

I also love her girl posse... in concept, at least. They've all got great designs and the groundwork of interesting characters, but of the the three, only Lenore, the waifish redhead, gets to do much of note. The two on the edges kind of just show up for a few scenes and then bail before the plot catches up to them, doing very little of note - though at least the big hunky one gets one of the coolest fight scenes in the whole show.

Back to Lenore though - she gets a really nice character arc, and manages to become one of the few sympathetic vampires in the series (while still doing a lot of monstrous shit - she is not a defanged vampire by any stretch). I think her death scene is one of the most moving moments in the series finale.

13. Seras Victoria

A good female vampire has at least one non-vampire part of her personality, right? Ok, so, Seras is:

the muscle in almost every scene she is, which is to say, the one absolutely beating the shit out of people while her allies run for cover

the perky henchman/morality pet of one of history's greatest monsters

the sole ray of sunshine in cast of edgy, cigar-chomping grizzled mercnaries and antiheroes she's been pressganged into fighting alongside

the victim of some HIDEOUS trauma even before her vampirization

the protege of a wise master who gets a full hero's journey arc, taking up his mantle at the end of the series

Like, I love her. She's the secret protagonist of Hellsing. She's got layers like an onion. The scene where she killed Zora Blitz reminded me why I love anime.

(yeah it's the TFS version fuck you)

14. Youko Shiragami

My Monster Secret is not a horror manga. It is a romantic comedy about a bunch of idiots trying to keep painfully obvious secrets hidden and succeeding only because almost everyone around them is as dumb as they are, just in very different ways. It is a manga where an entire chapter can be summarized as "all the characters race to get the last McRib, using their various supernatural abilities to try and cheat their way to the front of the pack." It is one of the funniest and most heart-warming stories I have ever read, one of my favorite romances of all time, and an excellent piece of long form story-telling.

One of the two main characters is Youko Shiragami, a vampire girl who can't let anyone know she's a vampire or else her dad will pull her out of school. She desperately wants to have a normal life with friends and, like, school shenanigans, but her fear of people uncovering her secret and hating her is so immense that she's been isolating herself from everyone, accidentally torturing herself by being close to what she wants but unable to actually have it.

At least, until Kuromine, the other main character of the story, discovers her secret while trying to ask her out on a date. He ends up promising to keep her secret, and the two of them form a real friendship that blossoms into a very sweet romance, where Youko gets to display all her incongruous personality traits that go against what you'd expect of vampires - namely, that she's kind of a ditz, with an unrefined style of speech and a complete inability to be suave and seductive. She's a sweet, flaky goofball with a big heart, who just happens to drink blood and tan really quickly in the sunlight. There is no other vampire like her, and the world is richer for her being in it.

15. Marceline, the Vampire Queen

This list isn't ranked, but if it was, I'd put Marceline at the top. I think she is not only the most unique and deeply characterized lady vampire in fiction, but ranks right up there with Dracula in how she redefines the idea of what a vampire can be. Like, look at the forms she takes!

There are DOZENS of different monstrous shapes Marceline takes during Adventure Time's 9+ seasons of television, and any one of them would be a superb and memorable vampire on its own. And she's ALL of them. Just on a design standpoint, she is a standout. I think only Dracula himself could compete.

But she also explores what the concept of what a vampire is in ways no other vampire in fiction can, in part because of the unique nature of Adventure Time's setting. In a world where humans are an extreme minority and most people are weird monsters, a vampire isn't that odd, so we get to explore what being a vampire means divorced from the comparison to "normal" human beings. There's the expected tragedy to Marceline, of course - she's a 16 year old who has been stuck in that adolescent state for hundreds of years, and much of her character arc over the show (including the magnificent vampire-centric storyline, "Stakes") focuses on the horror of being stuck in that transitional state, not quite a child but not quite an adult. Marceline struggles to mature, to understand herself and others, and her vampirism both keeps her distant from reaching those goals but also gives her a lot of time to figure out how to approach them when the opportunity arirves. Marceline goes from one of the most immature and selfish characters in the show to perhaps the most emotionally intelligent, blossoming into a sensitive and thoughtful person she could never have been without first becoming a creature that seems so inherently opposed to ever having those traits.

And she did it all in a children's show where she was rarely if ever allowed to actually drink blood - a problem the writers got around by having her suck the red color out of things, which is right up there with the Joker Venom from BTAS in terms of genius ideas spawned by children's show censorship.

Marceline is the GOAT.

[kinsey3furry300]

That The Batman film really had the line "He's got about 500 followers online, all real freaks." about the Riddler.

My dude, the Riddler has less online clout than @were--ralph, and ralph just talks about fat hairy men's tummies and wolf-cock online. Gotham is fucking basic compared to Tumblr. FML how are we looking at comic book villains and thinking “Who are you, you don’t even have a werewolf pineapple meme you fucking donkey?” What's your 'sona Riddler? I bet it's boring as fuck you little Jeffrey Dahmer looking bitch. Bruce Wayne survived Rainfurest in a 80 pound custom fruit-bat fursuit breathing noting but nitrous oxide and ball sweat for three days ,and you wheeze in a basic gimp mask you pansy? Gothem deserves better villains my dude, go do some sudoku and chill man.

[drocprboii]

Inevitable

It was a typical Tuesday night at the bear bar downtown, and Ozzy Carter was beginning to be bored of it all. The same clout-hungry, insta-famous men with more ego than body hair- and there was a LOT of body hair to go around- strutted around like they owned the joint, making sure that everyone in the room knew they were present so they could admire and adore them as they believed they deserved.

He wasn’t totally sure why he even bothered to show up tonight. He’d wanted a break from all the overtime he has been pulling at work, sure, but there were other ways to spend what little free time he allowed himself. He’d only had some vague sense of somehow needing to be here. For what, he didn’t know, and he was beginning to see that listening to his instincts had clearly been a mistake that evening. If he’d only knew how drastically his life was about to change, and how far off the rails it would fall, maybe he would have chosen a different way to spend his evening. But here he was.

Just as he was about to cut his losses and call it a night, Ozzy saw him. A huge mountain of a man had sat his double wide dump truck of an ass onto a now precarious-looking bar stool. His enormous belly took up his entire lap, with two large, heavy looking tits resting comfortably on top of it. His wide, handsome face was framed by a thick beard, which itself was framed by a thick double chin. A tuft of chest hair poked out of the top his black tank top, which rose up just enough in the back for Ozzy to see the top of the crack of his ass. He took a beer from the bartender with his large, puffy hands, and the considerable amount of arm fat dipped back slightly when he took a drink.

Ozzy’s dick jumped to attention immediately. He had always had a strong attraction to fat men, and this newcomer checked all the boxes. He must have been a fairly recent arrival in town; a large man like him would have been noticeable anywhere had he been around before. A night with him would be one for the books, Ozzy thought. He considered approaching him to make conversation- taking a large swig of his own beer for some extra courage- when he realized that the man was already looking in his direction. He gave a small, confident smirk, and raised his beer towards the smaller man. As Ozzy raised his in response, the man gestured for him to join him at the bar. Surprised, and a bit shy, Ozzy walked over slowly.

“Hey there, handsome,” the big man said warmly. “What are you doing over there all by yourself?”

“Oh, I uh…” Ozzy began nervously, taking another sip of his beer. “Just people watching, I guess.”

The man chuckled, his chest bouncing slightly. Ozzy tried not to redirect his gaze as he continued. “Honestly, I’m not really into the scene. Just kind of felt like being here was the right choice tonight, for whatever reason.”

“That so?” The man asked. He took a hearty swig of his beer, and belched loudly. Again, Ozzy tried to ignore the tightening in his pants as he excused himself and continued. “Ain’t that something.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” the guy answered. “I felt like I needed to be here tonight too.” 

“Really now?” Ozzy asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Yes indeed.” The man downed his beer and signaled the bartender for another. Then he turned to Ozzy and offered his hand. “Trenton.”

“Ozzy.” He shook Trenton’s hand and offered a grin. “Nice to meet you.”

“And you.” Trenton smiled back and took another drink. He looked Ozzy up and down, smiling still, but something was different about his gaze. He seemed like he was sizing Ozzy up. Then he continued. “I’m guessing from your outfit, you probably came here straight from your… office job, am I right?”

Ozzy blinked in surprise. Sure, he was dressed in his blue button up and khakis, but was it that obvious? “Actually, yeah. Just getting off of my third straight week of overtime.”

“Yikes,” Trenton said with another little laugh. He continued to drink his second beer as he went on. “A workaholic, I see.”

“I am, yeah,” Ozzy responded with a chuckle of his own. “Gotta put in the work to move up in the world. You know how it goes.”

“Once upon a time, yeah I did,” Trenton said. He polished off his beer again and asked the bartender for a third. “But I found that life is a hell of a lot more enjoyable when you just let things like that go.”

Ozzy raised an eyebrow. “That so?”

“It is so, yeah.” Trenton grinned again. “Work. Family. The gym, obviously.” He let out another laugh as he slapped his substantial belly. Ozzy tried to keep eye contact as he went on. “When you let go… you’re free. It’s the best feeling.”

“I’m glad that works for you, man,” Ozzy said mildly. “But I have too many plans for my life to just ‘let go’. It’d be nice, but…” He shrugged.

Trenton’s grin widened. He gave Ozzy a once over again, and the smaller man noticed that there was now a strange hunger in them. A longing. Then it seemed to just disappear, and he said “You wanna get out of here? Let’s head back to my place.”

Now both of Ozzy’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” Trenton swung his thick legs around and slid slowly off of the barstool, taking his hand. “I’m claiming you now before anybody else in here gets the idea to.”

—-

For such a fat man, Trenton was not hurting in the dick department. He revealed his long, girthy member as they undressed in-between long, sensual kissing. As he grabbed a bottle of lube from his nightstand, he looked into Ozzy’s eyes and asked “You sure you want to do this?”

“Fuck yeah,” Ozzy answered, kissing him again and running his hands through every fold of fat he could reach. “Make me yours, baby.”

That look again. That hunger. Trenton smiled again, but this time it had a hint of maliciousness to it. It was more of a smug smirk. “All I needed to hear.” 

He then lifted his belly up and  plunged into Ozzy suddenly, wasting no time. Ozzy let out a pained scream that Trenton silenced with a fat hand over his mouth. As he pounded the smaller man’s tight little ass, he whispered into his ear. “You’re gonna be such a good little piggy. Such a great hog. I know it. I feel it.”

Ozzy was confused, but the questions died in his throat once the pain turned to pleasure, and he threw it back against the rhythmic pounding. Minutes later, Trenton let out a harsh groan and Ozzy felt him nut inside of him, feeling the warm spurts deep within his ass, which in turn made him orgasm more powerfully than he ever had before. They both flopped onto their backs, spent. Ozzy felt Trenton pull him closer, wrapping his arms around him. Spending the night hadn’t been the plan, but he was so comfortable, and Trenton was so warm. Before he knew it, he’d dozed off.

—-

The smell of frying bacon awoke him. He opened his eyes and turned to see Trenton, wearing a shirt that was clearly two sizes too small, working over a stove. He turned to Ozzy and smiled. “Morning,” he said. “Thought I’d make us some breakfast before you headed out.”

Ozzy smiled back. “That’s pretty sweet of you,” he said as he checked his watch. He saw with a shock that it was almost noon.  “Damn, I really slept in.”

“You didn’t have somewhere to be, did you?” Trenton asked.

Normally, Ozzy would have replied with “Yeah, I have some work to catch up on.” But he was so comfortable, and the breakfast Trenton was preparing smelled so good. “No. I have time if you do.”

Trenton’s smiled widened. “That’s what I love to hear.”

A few moments later, he handed Ozzy an enormous plate of bacon, sausage links, eggs and  four slices of buttered toast. Ozzy was stunned at the amount; this must have been a normal amount for Trenton, but he was sure he wouldn’t be able to finish it all. He looked up to say as much, but Trenton met his gaze with a knowing, sly smirk. “Eat,” he said with a commanding timbre to his voice. And so Ozzy set to it with gusto. Twenty minutes later, to his shock, the plate was clean. He leaned back and rubbed his distended stomach, letting out a loud, prolonged burp. “Whew! Excuse me.”

Trenton, who had been watching him shovel all that food down, grinned widely. “You’re excused, baby boy.” He reached out and rubbed Ozzy’s enlarged stomach. “You’re gonna be perfect,” he said in quieter tone.

Ozzy looked at him, confused. “What?”

Trenton laughed. “Nothing, cutie. Nothing at all.” He lumbered to his feet, and stretched his pudgy hand out to Ozzy. “Heading out, yeah?”

Ozzy nodded. He didn’t mean to make an abrupt departure, but he also didn’t want to overstay his welcome. “Yeah, I should probably get going.” He turned slightly sheepish as he said, “Um… can I see you again?”

“Oh, you will,” Trenton said with confidence. “You’ll be back before you know it.”

Ozzy stared at him, slightly bemused. “Oh, will I?”

“Yes.” Trenton’s tone became serious, but his grin stretched wider and that hungry look came back into his eyes. “You will.”

Ozzy felt a sudden sense of disquiet. The fat man’s bold proclamation carried a strange undertone, one that unnerved him and yet… also assured him? 

He dressed quickly and made his way to the door. “Thanks for the evening,” he said quickly, as he rushed out the door. And as he hurried down the hallway, he was sure he heard Trenton reply, “See you soon, piggy!”

—-

Ozzy arrived home an hour later, the strange encounter still replaying in his mind. See you soon, piggy. He was sure that’s what Trenton has said as he left. But, a pig? Him? He was still in fairly good shape; no six pack, sure, but he had a solid stomach, a decent amount of muscle on his arms and legs, and a nice little bubble butt. And it’s not like he had some phobia of gaining weight- that would make him a huge hypocrite, given his preferred type of man- but he was damn sure not a piggy.

Fucking weirdo, he thought with a shake of his head.

He walked into his kitchen and grabbed an energy drink, popped it open, and drank deeply. Pushing the encounter from his mind, he returned to the living room and grabbed the controller to his PS5. Usually he spent what little downtime he allowed himself playing video games, but something was distracting him today. He couldn’t get himself into the game, couldn’t properly focus. 

It wasn’t the odd encounter with Trenton that distracted him; he had succeeded in letting that go. No, it was something else. Something that felt more instinctual. But what it was continued to elude him as he played on. After his fifth failed in-game raid, however, he had to set the controller down and actually ponder what the issue was. It wasn’t until he heard a loud, prolonged growl from his stomach that he realized the problem: he was hungry.

At first, he was a little surprised. He’d had such a big breakfast at Trenton’s, he didn’t think he’d be so hungry so soon. But when his stomach growled its demand again, he knew something had to be done. He ordered a pepperoni pizza and some garlic knots with his phone, reasoning that whatever he didn’t finish could serve as leftovers for later that night. He switched from the game to a movie and slid out of his pants, making himself more comfortable. The pizza arrived thirty minutes later, and after tipping the delivery girl, he set to work. He figured he’d only have two or three slices, but his hunger must have been worse than he thought. Before he knew it, he had finished the whole pie, knots and all.

Sitting back, he rubbed on his stuffed gut, easing the bloated feeling. Damn, he thought with some surprise. Didn’t think I was that hungry. He stretched contentedly on the couch, making himself more comfortable. I’ll just work a little harder at the gym later to work it off. No big deal.

And with that thought, he started to doze off. His dreams were odd; Trenton was there, often with food in hand. First it was a tray of burgers, then it switched to tacos, then cakes, pies, ice cream… Eat up piggy, he commanded in his smooth baritone. You know you will. You know you can’t resist anymore. And Ozzy would oblige, stuffing his face, feeling his stomach push out further and further, and it felt so good, it felt so right…

He awoke with a start in the dark to the sound of his phone going off. Sleepily, he reached out and checked to see who was calling. His friend from work, Joey, was trying to reach him. He answered the call. “Yo?”

“Man, what happened to you?” Joey asked, a hint of annoyance in his voice.

“What are you talking about?” Ozzy asked, yawning.

“We were supposed to meet at the gym an hour ago, remember?” Joey said in an indignant tone. “What, you bail and can’t even let me know?”

Ozzy then began to notice just how dark it was, and looked over at the clock on the counter. It was 7:30; he’d slept all day. “Shit,” he said, embarrassed. “My bad bro. Time must have got away from me. I just ate and knocked out.”

Joey scoffed. “Well shit, next time let me know when you’re gonna sleep the day away.”

“Sorry,” Ozzy said, still feeling a bit ashamed. “Rain check?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Joey said, and Ozzy could see him shaking his head in his mind’s eye. “You’re good though?”

“Yeah, I’m straight. Guess I just needed to catch up on some sleep.”

“A’ight, I understand. Just give me a heads up the next time you wanna play Sleeping Beauty on a gym day.”

Ozzy snorted. “Will do. See you tomorrow.” He hung up and stretched, yawning as he did so. Before he could even decide what he was about to do now, his stomach growled loudly yet again.

Seriously?

—-

“Well well, somebody had quite the weekend,” Jack Hughes, Ozzy’s manager, said snidely as the young man speed walked into the office twenty minutes late.

“Sorry about this, Mr. Hughes,” Ozzy apologized. “Train delays were pretty bad this morning.” That, however, was a lie: Ozzy had stopped at the nearby fast food spot to pick up a few breakfast sandwiches before work. He adjusted his belt as he sat at his desk, feeling it press into his bloated stomach.

“Ah, it’s fine,” Mr. Hughes said, waving his hand. “You work so hard around here, I suppose I can give you a pass this once. Just don’t make a habit of it.”

“Yes sir,” Ozzy said, and he turned to his computer to start the day. For the most part, his shift went as normal; however, when lunch time came around, he walked himself back down to the same place he got breakfast and picked up two double cheeseburgers and a Coke. His appetite, to his slight alarm, was increasing rapidly, and he had no idea why. But he found that his nerves were soothed after every meal. Besides, he was heading to the gym after work and he’d be sure to put in some extra effort to balance things out.

Or so he believed at the time.

As the day drew to a close, he found himself thinking longingly of his couch, where he could stretch out and get comfortable.

Better order something too, he thought, and his stomach growled in agreement.

“Ready for the gym, Oz?” Joey asked as he came into view from around the corner. His gym bag was sling over his shoulder, and Ozzy realized with a pang of surprise- and though he wouldn’t admit it, relief- that he had left his at home.

“Shit, I was in such a hurry this morning I left my bag at home,” he lied. “I’ll be there tomorrow though, I swear.”

Joey’s eyes narrowed, and he looked Ozzy up and down. His eyes came to rest on his stomach. “Maybe you should go grab it and meet me there. Unless you want to ignore that little gut you’re growing.”

Ozzy looked down and realized that his stomach did in fact look bigger than it had on Friday. A small difference, sure- just a little layer of fat- but a difference nonetheless.

“I said I’ll be there tomorrow,” he said coolly, grabbing his backpack and slinging it over his shoulder. “Goodnight, man.”

Joey rolled his eyes. “Right. Goodnight.”

—-

He did not, in fact, go to the gym the next day, or any day that week. In fact, when he looked back, he realized the previous Friday was the last time he would ever set foot in one. For the next few weeks, Ozzy’s routine was the same; he would stop to grab a large breakfast, work until lunch, grab his now-usual order of two double cheeseburgers (which he eventually turned into full meals complete with fries and shakes), and then made his way back to the office where he would push his way to the end of his shift. Joey never asked about the gym again; he saw, although Ozzy didn’t quite understand yet himself, exactly who he was becoming.

The shift in personality, although abrupt to everyone around him, didn’t even register to him as the weeks turned into months. What did start to register to him, however, was his growing waistline. His once solid stomach was becoming a full fledged gut that started to sag over his belt, with love handles growing in on the sides; his pecs had softened and became a small set of moobs, and his butt was widening more and more everyday. His size didn’t seem to register to him yet though; always, he assumed that once he got back into the gym, his problems would be solved. But that day never seemed to come. What did come, however, was his growing annoyance with having to come into work. The commute has beginning to become a real hassle, and it was becoming more tiring by the day. He decided to take some time off, just to relax and regain his bearings. He had a ton of unused time off, about a months worth, so he decides to use it.

“Good idea,” Mr. Hughes said, looking at him with some thinly veiled disdain. “Your work has been very substandard lately. Hopefully this helps to get you back on track.”

Ozzy didn’t know what he was talking about, but he didn’t much care. All that mattered to him was getting home and getting something to eat. Already, he was plotting in how he could extend his time away from work even longer. He’d much rather spend the time eating and relaxing.

—-

And so as one month became two, and two became three- he’d requested a leave of absence, and had surprisingly gotten it approved- Ozzy spent the days eating from the time he hauled his growing body out of bed in the morning, til he fell asleep on the couch in the evening, covered in crumbs and food residue. His weight spiraled; his belly was well on its way to covering his entire lap while sitting, his moobs grew larger and started to rest comfortably on top of it. His love handles had become very thick, and his arms began to get weighed down with small saddlebags of fat. His neck had almost completely disappeared; a double chin was slowly taking its place. Some dim part of him was becoming increasingly alarmed; the abandonment of responsibility, the lack of commitment to the gym, all this goddamn eating, it wasn’t who he was. He needed to get back on track, that small part of him knew it. But then his stomach would growl once more, and those thoughts became immediately silenced by trying to satisfy this insatiable hunger that possessed him from morning to night.

One evening, not long before his leave was up- and he was already trying to devise a way to extend it- his phone pinged with a message from a number he didn’t recognize. Putting down his third burger, he wiped his greasy hands on his stained tank top and picked up the phone.

Hey you. Been a while, the message read.

Who is this? Ozzy typed back.

Trenton, came the reply.

He blinked in surprise. He’d put his night with Trenton far from his mind- his conscious mind, anyway; he was still having very vivid dreams that usually resulted in a more intense binge eating session than usual- and besides, how had he gotten his number?

When he asked him as much, Trenton responded: Texted it to myself when you were still asleep that night ;)

Ozzy scoffed, indignant. Who the hell did this guy think he was? Before he could say that in his next message though, Trenton sent another. Eating pretty good, eh?

His eyes widened. How could he know that?

Bet you haven’t seen a gym in months, came the next message. 

For your information, I still go pretty regularly, Ozzy responded, angrily hitting the send button.

Immediately, Trenton responded. Don’t lie to me piggy. Let me see that all that new fat you’ve been growing.

How the hell-? Yeah, I’ll be blocking this number now.

Come over, was the response. I want to see you.

Ozzy was appalled at the man’s audacity. He stole his phone number, called him a pig, and now he was demanding he come to his house? But if he was truly so appalled… then why was his dick suddenly rock hard?

He got himself off of the couch and hurried to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face and get himself together. Once he caught sight of himself properly in the mirror though, he took a real assessment of his new body. Nobody would ever be able to tell that just months previously, he’d been a fairly fit and hard working guy. The man staring back was nothing short of a fat slob; there was food residue all over his now too-small undershirt, from which his gut hung out of the bottom. He hadn’t shaved at all since his last day in the office; his stubble had taken over his face and neck almost as much as his new fat had. The worst part was, all this did was make him hungrier, and hornier. What the hell had happened to him?

Trenton had something to do with this, he was sure. His entire life had changed after their night together. And realizing this, he knew what to do. He showered, threw on the only shirt of his that still somewhat fit and a pair of clean sweatpants, and left his apartment.

On my way, he typed as he walked to the stairs.

—-

As exited the elevator in Trenton’s apartment building, Ozzy hesitated. The air had shifted; he felt as if every step he took was leading him to a precipice that he might not return from. Was confronting Trenton so important? He could just as easily take responsibility for letting himself go, turn around, and start making the efforts to return to being who he was before that night. He didn’t need to see the guy again.

But he wanted answers. He needed them. So there really wasn’t any other choice. He approached the door and knocked.

Trenton answered, shirtless and wearing a pair of basketball shorts. He was still as massive- and as gorgeous- as he’d been that night. Again, Ozzy stiffened at the sight of him. But he willed himself to focus on the matter at hand. Trenton looked him up and down, eyes wide and huge smirk growing on his face.

“Well goddamn, fat boy! Somebody’s been busy, I see!” He backed up and out of the doorway. “Come in!”

“What the hell is happening to me?” Ozzy said angrily. “What the hell did you do?”

“What did I do? Nah, baby. You did this. I haven’t seen you in months, remember? So it’s not like I was forcing the food into you.”

“You did something!” Ozzy snapped. “Before I met you, I had plans. I had goals. I had a future. I wanted to make something of myself. Then I spend the night with you, and-“

“-I showed you who were really were,” Trenton finished for him. The smirk on his face grew larger. “Or should I say, who you were always meant to be.”

Ozzy looked at him, his eyes widening in confusion. “I… you… what?”

Trenton took a step toward him, that hungry look having come back into his face. “You were always going to be this, Ozzy. Maybe it would have happened further down the line, after you got your big promotion and your raise and all those nice things you wanted for yourself. But it was going to happen. I just… well, sped the process up a little bit.”

Ozzy said nothing, feeling nothing but confusion and shock. What the hell was he talking about?

Trenton took a few more steps toward him. “I have a gift, you know. A gift to help guys like you become exactly who they were meant to be. Who they’ve always wanted to be, but held themselves back for whatever reason. Pressures from family, or friends, or society, or whatever petty excuses they make for themselves. I help them let go. I don’t know exactly how it works, but I know that after a night with me, they stop caring about all of that. They let themselves go. They get fat, they become slobs, they turn into who they always wanted to be but didn’t have the courage to become. Like you. It’s inevitable.”

His huge gut softly collided with Ozzy’s as he took one last step forward. His eyes burned into the smaller man’s, and Ozzy couldn’t look away. Couldn’t protest, even though he desperately wanted to.

“I had you pegged the moment I saw you,” Trenton said softly. “I knew you just needed that push that only I could give. And boy, did I give it to you.” He snickered. “But I didn’t just want to send you on your way like the others. I’ve been wanting to reach out before tonight, but…” And suddenly his cheeks grew red and he broke eye contact, looking away as if he was embarrassed.

“But…?” Ozzy repeated, curious.

“Well, I thought we kind of had a more… serious connection. Maybe I just imagined it, I don’t know, but I felt something different with you.” Trenton re-established eye contact, and his gaze was steady as he continued. “You look beautiful, you know that?” He reached out and took a handful of Ozzy’s gut, jiggling it. 

Ozzy was almost completely gone. The last bit of who he was tried to protest. “Trenton, I can’t… I’m not… this isn’t…”

“You?” Trenton finished. He pressed his body into Ozzy’s, and whispered into his ear. “It’s always been you.”

And with that, he pulled Ozzy in and kissed him passionately. The last bit of resistance crumbled, and Ozzy kissed him back. Their clothes came off, and they made their way To Trenton’s bedroom. The larger man pushed him onto the bed, grabbed his legs, and pulled him close. Like a favorite glove, his dick slid right back into place as it has been months earlier. He started slowly, rhythmically, pleasuring in the extra padding Ozzy had added to his ass before increasing his tempo.

“You love being fat, don’t you baby?” He grunted as he thrusted deeper and deeper.

“Yes, daddy,” Ozzy gasped in response, reveling in the pleasure, feeling every part of him jiggle with each thrust.

“You gonna keep getting fat for me, aren’t you piggy?” Trenton said roughly, as he pulled Ozzy closer by his legs and went even deeper.

“Yes, daddy!” Ozzy said through gritted teeth.

“Good, ‘cuz I want my piggy huge. I want my piggy bigger than me. You gonna outgrow me, you fat fucking pig?”

“Yes… yes! I’ll get as fat as you want me to be!” Ozzy answered, meaning every word.

And hearing that, Trenton immediately came in Ozzy’s ass. Hot, thick, ropey nut spurted from his dick for almost a full minute as Ozzy climaxed in unison, coating Trenton’s enormous belly with cum. Spent, the two collapsed into each others arms, panting heavily. Trenton kissed Ozzy’s forehead and pulled him closer.

“Welcome home, baby,” he said as Ozzy drifted off to sleep.

—-

*Three years later*

“Babe! The food is here,” Trenton called as he made his way back to the couch from the front door, arms ladened with a half-dozen pizza boxes. He set them down and planted himself back on the couch, panting slightly.

“I’m coming!” came Ozzy’s reply from the bathroom. Moments later, he rounded the corner and waddled into view. Trenton marveled at the sight of him; he must have gained at least three hundred pounds since he moved in a few years ago. His huge belly jiggled and swayed with every step, having reached his knees. His tits hung down and sagged to his sides, preventing him from putting his large, soft arms all the way down properly. His neck had long since disappeared, having been overtaken by two extra chins. But Trenton’s favorite part of him was his enormous, wide ass, which he slapped as he passed.

Ozzy laughed as he sat his huge body down next to him. “Hey, food first. Foreplay later.”

“The food is the foreplay,” Trenton said with a wink and a nudge. “Eat up, piggy.”

He held a slice in front of Ozzy’s face, and immediately his lover got to work. It didn’t take long for them to get through all of the pizza- four for him, two for Trenton, who Ozzy had dwarfed by a hundred pounds a while back. As the two let out large, contented belches, Ozzy said, “Thank you, by the way.”

Trenton looked at him, confused. “For what?”

“For giving me the courage to be my true self,” Ozzy said with a smile as he patted his substantial gut. “I’m so glad I didn’t have to wait for this.”

Trenton grinned back and kissed him, fondling his belly as well. “Like I said, baby. It was only a matter of time.”

(My first little foray into gainer fiction. Let me know what y’all think!)

[moreespressoformydepresso]

What if the 10th Hunger Games are cancelled because Treech and Lucy Gray do Flickerman's job far better than he could ever hope to?

This man is trying so hard to be entertaining all the time, and then these two kids come along and manage to get everyone engaged and entertained without even trying too hard. They're just naturally gifted with the stage gene or something and people love them so much it gets them to question the quality of their 'entertainment'. If the districts really are so much worse at literally everything, how come these two teenagers manage to beat an experienced presentor at his own game with such a landslide victory? It raises a lot of questions, but more importantly it makes the Capitol realize they deserve better than this man with his ugly moustage, so they campaign to have Treech and Lucy Gray be TV hosts (which they happily agree to if it gets them out of the games) and some radio host gets them a trial episode, which means the games are postponed. Lucy Gray and Treech talk and have a segment where they react to viral PanemTop videos (the only users are Capitol) and their reactions are both hilarious and thought provoking. At several points the two are practically crawling out of their skin from embarassment, climbing up on their chairs and screaming in physical pain at the sheer cringe of it all, and some of the things they say open the Capitol's eyes to the situation in the districts.

The mix of humor and depressing reality is what makes the Capitol feel bad for the districts and makes them fight against the games as Treech and Lucy Gray use their clout to basically lobby for the districts in a subtle way by influencing the masses. Gaul truly hated to see this podcast duo coming.

Exerpt:

"He's gonna sue the factory for 'incorrect execution' when he made a mistake in describing his order?" Lucy Gray exclaimed. "What for?!" "You and what money?" Treech stood up from his chair. "You and what money man? You don't even have a job you loser! I work 3 and I'm 15, what is wrong with you? Are you an ameba?! You're 53 and you still live in your mommy's basement!" "No sane attourney's gonna take your case, darling." Lucy Gray shook her head in disappointment. "Dude, you're pathetic!" Treech buried his head in his hands. "Talk to me when you man up and get a damn job because in order to sue, you need money! Your daddy ain't gonna pay this one off, my friend, so good luck getting your funds!"

[ritualofcirice]

Alastor's Response (Letter One, an Alastor x Reader)

🐑 ♡ Oh my goodness, so this is my first time writing Alastor, I'm scared, help ♡🐑

You sent a love letter to Alastor, and he responded.

Mature, No Warnings, F/M, M/M, Other/M, Tag(s): Love Letters, Fluff, Sex-Repulsed Alastor, just two people sharing a love for cooking, and potentially each other, Subtle Manipulation, Implied Cannibalism, POV Second Person, Ambiguous Gender Reader

Find it on ao3 ♡ WC: 460

Chapter 1

Letter One

The letter that arrived on your door was charming. It was rustic in a way, yet upon closer inspection, you determined the craftsmanship cleverly hid any imperfections in its design. Otherwise crinkled segments of the envelope were covered by blocky handwriting. An alluring, vermillion stamp was pressed onto the top right corner, but beneath its edges there was evidence of a stain. When you flipped over the letter, a similar stain circled and crawled its way across the back. Unable to be hidden like the other one, it made you wonder if the one who prepared the letter simply determined they had done enough when they noticed the garish mark. Perhaps they didn’t care. 

Why couldn't they simply put it in a new envelope? 

Getting into the mind of the mysterious sender was impossible, so you turned to their words instead. You let them speak to you through the paper. And oh Lucifer almighty, the paper was a sight to behold. What you pulled from the interior of the envelope shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but it was hard not to be shocked at the way the contents were the epicentre of the decaying state of cleanliness it lacked to begin with. 

'Dearest Secret Admirer, Well well, what a wonderful surprise! Fan mail is something I am more than accustomed to, but you, my well hidden companion, have caught my eye. Congratulations! I know for certain that you’re not some clout chasing Sinner looking to woo me into a lifelong commitment of tortuous, domestic bliss. No, a letter is far too old fashioned for some.  And so, I decided to write back to you. Your words have touched me deeply, and I can’t deny the intrigue of this mysterious connection. While I may not know your shape, the way you express yourself speaks volumes about the romantic soul residing within the confines of your chest. Is that what you would like me to say? Oh, the humour! While my undeniable charm might has clearly worked on you, you have a long way to go before I even consider allowing you the grace of my presence.  I’m a very busy man, you know - hotels to run, radio to host, and all that jazz. Don’t even get me started on whether our tastes are compatible. Still, here I am writing to you. I must say, the whole process is exciting, and I forgot what a simple pleasure writing a letter could be. For that reason, I look forward to whatever your creative, little mind thinks up for me next. As I say, I’m a busy man.  Entertain me. Prove to me that you deserve my attention. A lot of people have died for that, you know? Patiently awaiting your response, Alastor'

♡ Next Chp ♡ Love Letter Series Masterlist ♡