#man i love loop what if they made me lose my fucking mind

[giftplane]

[ WHO DO YOU TAKE ME FOR? ]

thanks @the-bitter-ocean for being like. hey this song and isat huh. then i got brainrot. anyways, image

[nerdy-novelist017]

Omg hi!!!🧚🏻‍♀️

I just wanted to pop by and tell you how much I LOVE your writing and content, makes me kick my feet reading about Benny and Bunny😫🙂‍↔️I was just wondering if mayhaps you’d write something in which Bunny gets mad at Benny for something and gives him the cold shoulder hehe. You mentioned in your most recent installment of them how she’s done that when pissed at him and I just thought it’d be so interesting to see an upset Bunny and groveling Benny😏perhaps involving the topic of jealousy or miscommunication. Have a good day/evening and feel free to ignore my yapping!!!🙈🐇

Thank you so much for your kind words! 🥹You're so sweet!!! I could never ignore your yapping, friend! Sorry this took so long to post but I wanted to get it right since this request is so stinking cute! I was going to break this up into two parts because I got a little carried away but I figured you guys probably don't mind the longer posts ;) Please let me know your thoughts on this as I love reading your comments! Hope you enjoy! 🫶

Benny x Bunny Masterlist 🐰

Word Count- 3.4k+

Love, Lids, and Lessons (Benny Cross X Shy!Reader)

Listen, Benny fucked up on a near daily basis. He’s by no means perfect and there was a lot that you overlook because you loved him and he’s still the best man you’d ever met. However, there were times where Benny pissed you off so bad that you simply couldn't excuse him. This happened to be one of those times.

You were standing beside him at the pool table during what happened to be a pretty intense moment of a game that Benny happened to be losing pretty badly. It was the third time you’d approached him, asking to leave. It wasn’t even that late but you had wanted to go because you planned to get up early the next morning to meet your girlfriends for a breakfast date. He’d told you that the two of you could leave soon, after he finished his beer. And then he told you after he finished his game. Then that game became the next game. And the current game which he happened to be losing and maybe it was that his temper with the razzing he was receiving from the members who watched the game but he just didn’t want to have to tell you one more time that you would both be leaving soon. You tugged on his sleeve again and he just said it, without a filter, without thinking. 

“Bunny, you’re being naggy.” 

That was it. Just four words that would cause him more trouble than he even realized. He didn’t mean it in a rude way; He was just trying to tell you what you were doing was annoying to him. He said way worse than that to the boys and they never reacted the way you did. 

Your mouth dropped open in shock, driven speechless by his words. He made a shrugging motion to you that said What? But the low whistled that emitted from Cal on the other side of the pool table did nothing to deescalate the embarrassment he could see bubbling in your face. You snapped your mouth shut, brows pinching together as you glanced at the others who heard. Not many, just Cal, Johnny, Betty and a few others. It was enough. When your gaze found him again there was an undeniable dark cloud in your eyes and he wanted to apologize. But you turned and walked away before he could say anything else. 

“Oh, Benny. . .” Johnny muttered with a grimace but Benny was too caught up in the taunting of the other members around the table to hear him. So he let you storm off, figuring you’d have cooled down by the time his game was over. And shortly after, his game ended (He lost, though he didn’t really find himself caring about that, not with the image of your hurt expression looping in his mind) and he said goodbye to the boys and went to find you. Only . . . you were gone. 

He found Gail who told him you had left with Kathy. He clenched his jaw and nodded. You rarely ever left with someone else, you liked to ride home with Benny. He thought maybe you were just tired and Kathy was probably leaving at the same time but a little voice in the back of his head told him it was more to it than that. He tried to ignore the way the ride home was quiet without you on the back. And when he walked through the door, you were not in the entryway where you normally stood waiting for him. No, you weren’t even in the kitchen where he’d sometimes find you during a midnight craving. Something uncomfortable gripped at his heart and he stood in the kitchen for a long time, trying to come to terms with the fact that you probably left. 

Trudging up the stairs to your bedroom, his heart skipped a beat when he saw your form laying in the bed, back facing him. He resisted the urge to go to you, sensing the way your shoulders stiffened that you were still awake. He undressed slowly, taking the time to decide what he wanted to say to you. But even as he pulled back the covers and crawled in next to you, no words ever formed in his mouth. Instead, he tried a different tactic. He pressed himself up against your body, sliding his hand over your waist, traveling it up to your breast as he leaned in to kiss your cheek.

You brushed his hand away. “I’m not in the mood, Benny.”

His hand moved down to your hips instead to take it in another direction but you gripped his wrist and moved it back to his side. “I’m serious. I’m tired”

Okay, you were upset about what he’d said. He sighed and rolled onto his back, moving back to his side of the bed. He waited a few more seconds to see if you’d follow him like you normally did, but you remained steadfast in your spot so he reached over to the bedside lamp and switched it off, the room filling with darkness. He laid in that darkness for a long time, contemplating what to say, what to do. 

When Benny woke the next morning and his hand drifted over to you, he found your side of the bed empty. He frowned, glancing at the clock. It was still early and you almost never woke up before he did. And if you did, you just wanted to snuggle with him in bed. With an odd feeling in the pit of his gut, he got up and dressed, seeking you out. He found you in the kitchen, wearing an apron with little flowers embroidered on the fabric. You stood at the island, frosting cupcakes that he didn’t know you planned on taking with you. 

“Mornin’,” he said as he approached, making his way over to make a cup of coffee. You only hummed in response. He turned back around to face you, leaning against the opposite countertop, feeling as though the space between you was as wide as an ocean. He watched you for a moment as you set down the cupcake you were working on, the delicate desert now freshly adorned with baby pink frosting. You reached forward to start on the next one and that’s when he spoke again. “You need help with that?” 

“No,” you replied, avoiding eye-contact. A heavy silence filled the kitchen as he sipped meekly at his coffee and you finished frosting the cupcakes. It’d be better to just rip off the band-aid, he decided. He wasn’t going to go his whole day pretending he didn’t know that you were giving him your traditional cold-shoulder response. So he said, “You still mad about last night?”

Your eyes flashed up to his for just a moment. “What do you think, Benny?” 

“About what I said? C’mon . . .” He didn’t even mean it in a rude way! Sometimes you were so sensitive and he truly didn’t understand you. Johnny had told him once that women were a completely different creature than them. And as Benny watched you furiously frost your cupcakes, he really felt the impact of that statement.  “I didn’t mean it. You know that. I was a little drunk and–”

“Oh you were drunk?” Your voice dripped with sarcasm. “Well, in that case, I’ll just let you get away with whatever you want when you’re drunk. Won’t let anything affect me at all!”

Hmm. He didn’t think that’s what you were gonna say to that. Benny hated it when you verbally put him in a corner like this, didn’t let him get away with his half-assed apologies that never actually use the phrase ‘I’m sorry.’ It always made him get defensive, made his temper flare and he’d end up doing more damage than good nearly every time.

“You were naggin’ and you know it. I don’t know if it was because you wanted to go home or if you were jealous that someone else had my attention for a moment and you didn’t–”

“Jealous?” The word echoed off the cupboards. “Are you kidding me?”

“Bunny–” he groaned but you cut him off. 

“Don’t Bunny me right now,” you griped, eyes narrowing as you began placing the cupcakes in the portable carrier he had surprised you with for your birthday a few months ago. “Jealous? You honestly think I was jealous? Or are you just sayin’ that because you want to get a rise out of me?”

“Well, I’m just tryin to say–” he stopped short as he caught your sharp gaze. “I just. . . Don’t you think you’re overreacting about this?”

Your mouth formed a thin line, jaw clenching. You stared at him for a few agonizingly long moments before you shook your head, muttering, “You–” 

Benny was dying to know what you were about to say but only observed as you removed your apron, folded it neatly and placed it back in the drawer before you grabbed your portable tray and left the kitchen. Like a moth to flame, he followed you as you went to the door, pausing only to slide your feet into the kitten heels you had lined up at the baseboard. Without saying another word, you opened the door and left. But he trailed after you, standing on the porch, he wordlessly watched as you descended the stairs and walked down the stone pathway to the white picket fencing you had always talked about and opened the little gate. 

“Damn thing,” you grumbled under your breath as you fought with the broken hinge of the gate to close it properly behind you, the sound squeaking obnoxiously. 

“When are you comin’ back?” he hollered after you, trying not to sound as desperate as he felt.

“Later.” Was your vague answer before you got into your car and left Benny still standing on the porch, front door ajar and eyes narrowed. 

******

Wiping the sweat from his brow, Benny stood to his full height and took a step back to take in the shiny new hinge on the gate he just installed. He tried opening and closing it a few times, admiring the way it worked soundlessly. Good as new, he thought. Fixing physical things like door hinges and motorcycle parts, those were easy. Benny was good with his hands, he could tinker around and fix just about anything he set his mind to. But fixing emotional things. . . those were not so easy for Benny. Apologies were rare and he’s never one to throw them out like confetti as you so often did. You apologized too much and he’s told you that you shouldn’t apologize for half the things you do. 

He’d had a lot of time to think about what happened and his mood certainly shifted more than once during his front gate project. At first, mild annoyance because what he said to you was hardly an insult. Then, it might have been due to the sun beating down on him while he worked, but genuine anger replaced the annoyance because you were so damn sensitive and there were times he felt he had to walk on eggshells around you. But the anger quickly fizzled out when he thought about how your sensitivity was what made you special. It was what helped you be so empathetic, so caring toward everyone you came across. And by the time he’d finished fixing the gate, the only feeling that smothered him was a painfully present regret. Regret for what he had said, but also for what he hadn’t. An apology was something you deserved, but he didn’t give it to you, not in an appropriate way. 

So when you came home, hours later, he watched from the living room window as your car pulled in front of the house. You exited the car, and he almost held his breath as you opened the gate, taking a moment to open and close it a few times. You definitely noticed he’d fixed it. Good, but that didn’t mean he was in the clear yet.

You came inside and it was clear that you were still upset by the way you moved. He could see your shoulder stiffen when you noticed him there, could see the pouty lip of yours pull into a slight frown. You hardly spoke to each other the rest of the day. You didn’t mention the gate and he didn’t bring it up. 

******

The next morning Benny was up before you, as usual. At least that was back to normal. He went downstairs and started a pot of coffee as he got ready for work. He grabbed his lunchbox, preparing to make himself a lunch for work when he stopped short, noticing that there was already a lunch packed in there, complete with one of your pink-frosted cupcakes. His heart squeezed at the realization that you still packed him a lunch, something you did every workday for him, even though you were upset with him. You . . . the sweet creature that he still didn’t completely understand. And he needed to do something.

Fortunately Benny had another trick up his sleeve, and playing dirty didn’t matter to him when it came to getting your attention again. 

******

You didn’t sleep well last night, laying awake all night with a heartsick frown, wishing nothing more than for the man who lay just within an arm's reach from you to actually comfort you – in a way that you wanted to be comforted. And tears threatened to spill when you realized, even just for a moment, you wished he could be someone who was a bit more empathetic, a bit more compatible to you. This wasn’t the worst thing he’s said and you’ve had your fights over much worse, but in all your time together, this was the first time you’d ever had that thought. Maybe it was because this was the first time you had both ignored it, both choosing to go to bed angry and upset rather than to work through it. The storm in your heart still surged on, albeit a bit more due to sadness rather than anger, as you slipped on your babydoll pink robe over your nightgown. You tried not to think about Benny at all as you put your hair up in rollers and applied your makeup for the day. You couldn’t hide in the bedroom all day unfortunately, so you traipsed downstairs, bare feet padding softly against each step until you entered the kitchen where you found Benny sitting at one of the island chairs, the daily paper spread out on the countertop before him. 

He looked up when he heard you. “Mornin’.”

“Morning,” you parroted as you went to the pantry to grab out your ingredients to start breakfast. You started your tea, grabbing the jar of honey off the shelf and a flower mug. You turned your back to Benny and started to twist the lid off the honey jar . . . only it was really stuck on there. Readjusting your hands, you gave it another go, but still it didn’t budge. Setting your jaw in place, you glanced over your shoulder at your husband who was still looking down at his newspaper. Normally, you would immediately hand something over to Benny to open for you, but you were still mad at him which meant you’ll have to go without honey in your tea. 

So instead you started making your bagel for breakfast, a go-to breakfast meal for workday mornings. Popping the bagel in the toaster, you took the homemade strawberry jam out of the fridge and frowned when you realized that lid was also screwed on extra tight too. You turned to face your partner, reluctantly asking, “Can you open this?”

He looked up at you, eyes glancing down at the jam jar and he held out his hand. “I’ll open it for you if you talk to me.”

In no mood to play his games, you rolled your eyes. “Forget it. I can do it myself.”

You turned back around, feeling his gaze burning into you as you grabbed a dish rag and placed it over the lid to get a better grip. You twisted hard, tongue darting out between your teeth as you concentrated on opening it. It seemed as though a mutant with superhuman strength had sealed this lid last – which was strange considering you were the only person in the house who ever used it. You peaked back at Benny who watched you blatantly so you stuck your chin out defiantly as you put the jar back down on the countertop. Fine, you’d just put peanut butter on your bagel instead. You scooped up the peanut butter jar, this time facing him as you twisted the lid and you nearly screamed in frustration when you felt how tightly this lid was as well. 

Wordlessly, he held out his hand across the countertop, waiting patiently as you crossed your arms, mentally debating if you could go without any of these items on your bagel.

Ding! You both glanced over as your perfectly-browned bagel popped up from the toaster. You sighed through your nose, biting your bottom lip as defeat settled in. You grabbed the jam, honey and peanut butter jars and slid them on the countertop before him. 

“Okay, fine,” you admittedly softly and watched as he made it look so effortless as he opened the lid with a satisfying pop. You muttered a quick thanks and reached for the jar but he leaned backwards, holding the jar just out of your reach. 

“I shouldn’t have said that,” he spoke, eyes earnestly searching your face. “What I said at the bar – about you askin’ to go home. You weren’t being naggy, I should have listened to you the first time. That was my own fault. I was just getting so caught up in that stupid game and it wasn’t even important. Not like you are. And what I said embarrassed you and that was wrong.” He rose from his seat, moving around the counter to stand before you as he said, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

Your eyes widened slightly at his apology. Only a handful of times have you heard those words leave his mouth and you knew he never said them if he wasn’t completely meaningful. You nodded but then remembered his use of vocabulary last night. “And what you said about me bein’ jealous?”

His shoulders slumped ever so slightly. “I’m not apologizin’ for that because you really do confuse me sometimes, Bunny. I thought maybe you were jealous and when you stop communication’ with me, I feel even more lost than usual.”

“Okay, that’s fair,” you accepted as you crossed your arms. “But I don’t want to talk to you when I’m upset. Maybe I want you to do the talking for once.”

He furrowed his brow in thought as he looked over at the toaster. “Well, why don’t we make a promise to each other that we can go to bed angry if we want, but come morning, we talk about it over breakfast. No more putting it off for multiple days. We have to deal with it so that we can move past it.”

You considered that for a moment. “Yeah, that sounds alright.”

He took your hands in his own and dipped forward to place a soft kiss to your cheek. When he began to pull back, your hand flew up to gently encase the side of his face, holding him there as you met him halfway and kissed his lips in a physical show to prove you had accepted his apology. And if that wasn’t good enough, you whispered against his lips, “I forgive you.”

His arms circled around your waist pulling you into his lean frame in a tight hug that seemed to melt away all the stress that built between you two. 

“How did you know that I would use the honey today?” you asked with a tilt of your head, figuring he must be the reason for the right lids. 

“I didn’t. I tightened all the jars.”

“Benny!” you laughed, playfully slapping his bicep. 

He lowered his hands behind your hips, lifting you quickly onto the kitchen countertop, grinning at the squeal you let out at the sudden shift. 

“Let me make it up to you, Bunny? Please?” he begged, voice teasing but you could see the sincerity, the desperation in his ocean blue eyes.

“I’m gonna be late for work,” you giggled as he buried his face into the spot between your jaw and collarbone, that sweet spot he knew got you weak in the knees every time he placed his mouth there. “I need to leave in a few minutes.”

“You might wanna call in sick then,” he murmured against your skin as he kissed up your neck, “‘Cuz I got plans for you that’s gonna last longer than a few minutes.”

-Tag List-

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[makoodles]

Tonowari. Whats your thoughts on that massive dilf? Hes soo big tbh, I love it!

oh now that's a man that will treat you RIGHT

(i'm on my mf knees)

nsfw tonowari headcanons

🐻 he's a good leader, a strong leader. he's calm and level-headed, and all of his decisions are made with his people in mind. the weight of responsibility is heavy on his shoulders, but it's a burden he wears well.

🐻having that said, there are certain ways that he likes... unwind. he just needs a little stress-relief! that's where you come in. he's a boobs man. big or small, he loves them. he'll squeeze at them, rub at your nipples, suckle them into his mouth as you lay together. there's nothing he loves more than the feeling of his mind going blank as he licks and sucks at your sensitive tits, especially when you start to writhe and gasp under his mouth

🐻 he's a grinder. loves to rub up against you whenever he can. even in public sometimes, when he thinks no one is looking, he'll grind his hips up into you and drop his face into your shoulder so that he can groan softly into your neck. the feeling of his thick erection burning into your back is unmistakable, and if you grind back into him he'll literally loop his arm around your waist and keep you in place so he can dry-hump your ass for the few brief moments he manages to snatch with you before he has to break away from you in order to calm down before he has to return to his duties. he's near mindless in those moments - he can't even bring himself to care about getting caught, and sometimes he has to drag you back to the marui so that he can work out his arousal properly

🐻 similarly during make-out sessions, his hips are humping and jerking constantly; against you, against the floor/bed/ground, against his own hand. he gets so damn worked up that it's like he loses control of himself, like he can't even help himself. it is a damn sight to see

🐻 as much of a teddy bear as he is, he fucks like a wild animal. he'll grunt with every thrust, the skin around his knuckles stretched taut and bloodless as he grips the floor of the marui he's fucking you into. the other hand rests on your throat - not hard enough to choke you exactly, but rather to act as a weighty reminder to keep your attention on him as he fucks his frustration into you.

🐻 he especially loves fucking you from behind, pronebone-style. it keeps you so tight around his cock, and it drives him wild when he gets to watch himself spear in and out of your tight, wet heat. it also gives him a good angle to work with, and when he buries himself inside and hits that spongey spot inside of you that causes you to stiffen and clench up around him it works to both satisfy and work him up further.

🐻 he's so big that his whole body presses you into whatever surface he's fucking you against so effortlessly. his muscles flex constantly as he rolls his body into you, his bulk holding you down with ease. the na'vi are all tall and slender and lithe, though tonowari is softer and broader than most. the plushness of his stomach and his thighs feel so soft and good when he presses against you, like he's just a big teddy bear

🐻 when this man comes, he comes. whether he's fucking your pussy, your mouth, or even his own fist, when he starts to get close to his release he'll start to tremble. his hips will start making the sweetest little aborted rocking motions, like he wants nothing more than to let go but is trying to hold back. his moans will be so raspy when he finally comes, it comes in bucketloads, spilling out in sticky strings all over your hands, your pussy, your face - wherever he's aiming at!

🐻 i can't remember which writer first started writing tonowari calling his s/o umma, but that hc has absolutely rotted my brain. it's true, i know it, he called me that last night

🐻 let him use you as his stress-relief! he'll return the favour ten-fold, making sure that his little mate is so damn satisfied

[saltofmercury]

* waving* heelllloooo, just want to say thank you for the “ break in” series! I love König and Civilian!readers, there’s not enough non military reader stories out there so i am always hunger for more.can I put in a request? I don’t know why this idea pops into my head and not sure if Soap has a younger sister, imagine his sister had a crush on König from meeting him during military family day ( im sure theres no such event lol) or some off duty team outing. Something like..

Sister: who’s that really big guy there johnny?

Soap, knowing his sis too well : oh no you don’t.. dont go there darling

Sis: but he is so cute like a huge costco teddy bear..very huggable

All the while König overheard the who convo, flattered +embarrassed + in disbelief

Thank you! If it’s too much just ignore me its ok 😂

Pairing: König x f!reader ft. Johnny + Ghost

Summary: You tag along to Johnny's party.

A/N: Thank you @sofasoap

"The Favorite MacTavish"

“You’re still on the fastest route.”

The navigation on loop. You focused on what you could tone out Johnny with.

Looking out the window, a blur of cars turned into a blur of bricks, that in turn ended up to just dirt and then open land. Dust. You’ve been sitting as a passenger princess the entire ride there. Johnny but insisting on lecturing you about what was expected of you.

It felt more like briefing you if you were being honest.

“I’m dead serious ya hear?” Johnny had turned and pointed a finger to you.

“You got to tone it down with Ghost.” “You were off ya trolley last time, I told ya to leave the poor man alone.”

You smiled. “It wasn’t anything too bad.” 

Your mind flashed back to the last get together Johnny and his friends had. You had met the legendary “Ghost” that Johnny had worked with. A man with a skull face covering, taller and larger than any other of his teammates. A deep set British accent. (You and Johnny still argue if it’s Southern or Manchester.)

Ghost kind of bothered you that he was at a party. The man had radiated big fuck off vibes from you. It made no sense for him to be here. 

All you saw was… someone crying for attention.. Or even a little competition.

You approached Ghost with a deal, if he were to out drink you, you would shut Johnny up the entire night, and if you were to outdrink him, he would join the group for 20 minutes. 

The little game turned dangerous and it wasn’t until you had almost bested him in the tenth beer of the night that he almost tapped out. Almost beat by a MacTavish. It didn’t help that you were flirting with him a bit when he started to become sloppy, which you think became in your best interest.

One of the other teammates had lost it.

“Ghost is going to lose!”

Ghost looked loopy. Not even his skull painted covering could hide that. He ended up going to the cooler, bringing out 3 beers, chugging them one by one, and then remained in his stoic composure. It was truly a sight.

All of Johnny’s teammates never let that one go.

“Can’t believe Johnny’s little sister thought she could out drink Ghost.”

“I can’t believe she had him stuttering. Never heard the LT at a loss for words.”

“I think I like his sister more than Johnny.”

Johnny never lived it down, and never heard the end of it from Ghost.

“I actually don't know why I bothered bringing ya.” He continued.

You missed your older brother. It was hard seeing him a few times a year. With any opportunity to see him, including riding along to party with his teammates, you took. It helped that he had a soft spot for you.

“I won't make any promises, but I’ll leave Ghost alone.”

*

It wasn’t until an hour later that you had arrived. You remembered what Johnny had said. “No teasin’ Ghost.” “No trying to out drink anyone.” “Behave!”

You both walk up into a small beige house. There’s a plain white metal gate in front of it, but no live plants, just dirt. Endless dirt, dust, and rocks surrounding it, and a few other SUVs, Jeeps, and sedans.

You walk inside, right behind Johnny, mumbling in your head—

“No drinking, no ghosting.”

How annoying.

Once inside, you’re greeting everyone behind Johnny.

Gaz looks at you. “Well if it isn’t Ghost’s favorite little sister!”

You smile. “No ghosting tonight.”

Immediately looking toward Johnny, who was nodding in approval.

*

Much later when you're inside that you see him, along with a brand new set of faces that you aren’t familiar with.

There’s a lady with a small ponytail, some guy on a tablet and sunglasses on, and a guy who's got a black face mask on. This particular individual is more distant, pushed further away from everyone else. Looks big, bigger than Ghost. 

He’s not alone, he’s got some other guy next to him talking about some game he was playing on his phone.

“Steamin’ Jesus” you think to yourself. How did this massive guy end up here?

You grab a hold of Johnny,

“Johnny, who’s that over there?”

Johnny had barely taken a sip of his 3rd beer before his eyes went wide. 

“Aw Jesus Christ, no you don’t. Don’t you dare go there.” he says, grabbing a hold of your wrist. 

“Oh for fucks sake, I’m just asking who the guy is!” 

“Haud yer weesht! It's the same ol’ script with every single one of my teammates I swear to god.”

“Is he new?”

“He’s not with us.” He stops for dramatic effect. 

Whispers- “That group over there is a different team.”

Oh. 

The big guy is holding an electrolyte drink as opposed to any alcohol. He takes up the entire chair and he’s polite, nodding his head to his teammate, but quickly glancing back and forth towards you and Johnny.

“And I swear to god, you better not think of stepping over there, I’ll get Ghost to restrain you.”

You raised your eyebrows at him.

“You said no Ghostin…”

Johnny pulled you a little closer to him, then quietly (his case of quiet) says

 “Do you know what those guys do?”

“Military?”

“Christ on a bike… those there are contracted killers.”

You snort.

“Yeah fuckin' right Johnny and what do you call yourself? Saints?”

“I swear you’re so daft. Don’t go near them, stay with what you know.”

“I just want to introduce myself to them, it would be rude no?”

The guy in the mask looked harmless. He wasn’t drinking, he was among friends, he was simply waiting for someone to approach him.

*

The entire night you keep thinking of ways to get over it. You’ve got plenty of liquid courage in you now though.

“Just because he’s bigger than the rest of you, you’re intimidated.” The liquid courage was bubbling up inside you. 

“Fucking hell, would you drop it?” Johnny says

“I just want to talk to him, Johnny!”

You made your way over to him.

Johnny’s eyes looked like they could burst out of their sockets.

“Hi, how are you? You know what, you don’t seem bad at all, you just seem big, but that's ok.”

The man looked at you wide eyed, beneath his mask formed some crinkle surrounding his eyes.

“I just wanted to let you know that you don't intimidate me, but quite frankly you encourage me to give you a hug.”

He smiled now, you could see it.

“You’re like a huge teddy bear even, have you been to the states? They got a whole warehouse full of teddy bears the size of you.”

A small laugh from him and his fingers running through his hair.

“In fact, I kind of wish I had you as my own size for a teddy bear… what do you say?”

Before he could respond, you were yanked up, thrown over someone’s shoulders.

“That’ll do mini MacTavish..” A British accent. Ghost was hauling you away.

You felt dizzy, and kept your eyesight on the big man.

“I MEAN it! You are not intimidating you're just in need of a hug.”

[neteyamslovrr]

KXANI - pt4

summary: you have never fit in with the scientists, but on the night jake was lost in the forest so were you. staying with the people was your one true dream, yet when you are anything but welcome and jake get's to experience the people. you find yourself seeking comfort in tsu'tey

contents: 2.4k words, fem!avatar reader angst, lots of angst, reader is upset, tsu'tey is stupid, grace redemption arc, avatar 2009, tsu'tey not being as ooc LMAO

authors note: sorry it took so long y'all, ya girl has been working her ass off trying not to fail, also soz in advance for the angst. and if ur tag didn't work L idk how to fix that (i love u all) tara i see u🧍‍♀️

all parts - next part

┌────── ⋆☆⋆ ──────┐

Jake woke from his link ready to harass you with a million questions. As the link pod opened he was already sitting up.

“Y/N! Are you going to explain why Tsu’tey was about to slit my throat cause of you?” Jake was wide-eyed and furious. He hopped himself back into his wheelchair so he could speak to you without yelling across the shuttle.

“What? What do you mean?” You were beyond confused. Tsu’tey did what? For you?

“He came up to me yelling about some shit! That I disrespected you and that I’d be better dead! Had his knife at me and everything!” Grace had walked into the commotion immediately taking action between you two yelling colleagues.

“Woah, woah, woah. Ok calm down before we lose another scientist.” She put her hands between the space between you and made space between the two of you.

“I didn’t tell Tsu’tey to do that! I have no idea why he acted like that.” Anxiety was cursing through your body as you switched between the fuming Jake and the confused Grace. Why did Tsu’tey do this? Was it to spite you? To get a rise out of Jake?

“You obviously told him something!” He exclaimed throwing his arms in the air. Grace looked at you for confirmation, but you were persistently shaking your head.

“No. No! I just talked about being a scientist. That’s all.” Jake scoffed at you as Grace’s features grew even more concerned.

“Oh yeah, because the life of a scientist is totally enough to be THREATENED BY A WARRIOR. For fuck sake Y/N!” You were cowering from the man below you, you wanted to escape desperately, his fierce glares and Grace’s pained ones were all too much.

“Enough. We have research to log. Hurry up. Go!” Grace pulled Jake’s chair away as she stared at you to walk away from Jake. And that’s exactly what you did.

Rushing to the bunk bed you shared with Norm you climbed up and planted harshly onto the rough sheets. Curling yourself up into a ball, you tried to slow down your fast breathing as thoughts were rapidly entering your mind. You had to ask Tsu’tey.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Rushing through Hometree you couldn’t find him anywhere. You had rummaged through ever crevice of the tree and you were left empty-handed.

Why would Tsu’tey do this? You understood he hated Jake, but you thought he’d at least be understanding. So why was he so adamant on ‘a dead Jakesully, is a good Jakesully.’ You had to understand his actions, you had to.

Your fast pace and concentrated look made the people give you a mountain of odd looks. You were growing frustrated, why was he nowhere to be seen?

Not being aware of your surroundings you ran headfirst into a firm body. There Neytiri stood looking down at you slightly as she tilted her head in confusion. “Why are you stomping around like a child?”

“Oh!...I’m looking for Tsu’tey, have you seen him?” Neytiri scanned the room before her eyes went back to you.

“I believe he’s at the river, not in his best mood.” Frowning at her comment, you wondered what had upset him so much.

“Thankyou.” Bowing at her before you started rushing through the forest. You didn’t intend on running there but it just seemed to occur as your breath grew shaky and your heart beat faster.

You had now learnt your way through the forest. The endless vegetation no longer taking you for a loop. Now you knew exactly how to get to the man you demanded answers from.

There he sat at the edge of the riverbed. He was calm, peaceful. He stared up into the sky letting out a relaxed sigh.

Watching silently a seed of the tree of souls landed on his shoulder, he watched as it flew in front of him turning his gaze into the direction of you, a frown growing on his face.

“Why are you here? Go back.” He flicked his hand as his voice rumbled, he sounded angry, it wasn’t like you heard before though, it was directly at you.  

“I need to talk to you. I was looking everywhere” Your breath still shaky as you panted out your words etching closer to him. He grimaced at your state as he contemplated his response.

“You shouldn’t have.” It was sharp and hurtful. He meant to say it like that, but watching the way your relieved expression faltered into a hurt one pained him.

“Well…you shouldn’t have threatened Jake.” You didn’t imagine you would ever step up to the tall man in front of you. But recently you felt as if he was someone you could share your concerns with, even those concerning him.

“Who are you to question my actions demon.” His lanky arms crossed against his toned body as his stature grew taller. His presence becoming more intimidating as his nostrils flared in anger.

“You upset him Tsu’tey! And you upset me.” He faltered at your words, it was a split second your saw guilt in his eyes before it flashed away again. You had never seen him so upset, he was growing more and more irritated by the second. It felt as if you were getting whiplash compared to his affection towards you yesterday.

“Why should I care what a demon feels?” He felt pained, and so did you. His words were growing harsher as was his glare. You started to back away from him, regretting ever opening your mouth.

“Well… I thought that you might of cared about me.” It was a quiet confession. One that as soon as you let it out you wanted to take it back immediately. To Tsu’tey it felt like a blade stabbing him in his heart as it escaped your mouth. His harsh glare faltered once again as he blinked rapidly. He did care. Eywa, he cared so fucking much. That’s why he was doing this. He can’t let his heart overrule his mind.

“And why would I think that? You are a demon. Bringing nothing but destruction and death.” You felt yourself shrinking as you watched him etch closer and closer to you.

“then why did you go after Jake then? If you don’t care about me!” It felt as if your heart was a pane of glass that was smashed against the floor.

He had no excuse for his behaviour towards Jake. He was angry, he was angry at Jake for treating you badly. He took your words and used them as a weapon towards Jake. He was angry because he cared about you.

“Such a demon thing to think the world revolves around you!” His voice was booming, he was seeing red but not with anger, it was his heart bleeding. “Go back. You don’t belong here.”

He saw it on your face. The slow blink to get rid of your tears. The shake in your chest and the way your swallowed any words you might of retaliated back. He saw the way you looked at him with betrayal.

“What was yesterday then?” Your voice cracked as you stared up at the stone faced man.

“A mistake.” Your lips quivered as you sucked your cheeks. He felt that familiar pang, but it wasn’t a pang anymore. It was a thrash.

He watched you turn with such speed that you almost toppled over. He watched you leave as fast as you came. He heard your sobs rack through the forest as you walked further and further away.

Soon they were washed away by the sound of rain pouring down. A sound he would usually cherish as it calmed him. But it no longer felt calming, it was deafening.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Running back to Hometree you were tear-stricken. Your throat ached and so did your heart. You knew it was rich of you to assume he enjoyed your company, but it felt so nice to be appreciated.

Your disarray brought on the stares of hundreds including Grace’s. While she may have not been the kindest to you and she was aware of that. She was also aware how she underestimated you and dismissed you as your contributions were nothing compared to Jake’s. Yet, this morning she realised just how much she had underestimated you. You had cracked open the shell of Tsu’tey and she respected you for it.

So, when she saw you dishevelled, she couldn’t deny her concern.

“Y/N? What the hell happened?” Her fingers gripped onto your shoulder to bring you back down.

“Nothing. I just…I am alright.” She gave you the look.

“Do you think I’m stupid?”

“NO! No. Please just let me go.” Grace sighed giving you a pat on the back.

“C’mon kid, somethings bothering you.”

“Why would you care? You never did before?” Grace knew this was coming. She knew that she also deserved it.

“You’re crying. That’s why.” You scoffed at her, swatting her hand off you.

“I don’t need your pity. I just wanted your acknowledgement. And…the one person who was giving me that, has decided it was a mistake. So, I’d just appreciate if you don’t make that ‘mistake’ either.”

“Are you talking about Tsu’tey?” Grace was growing more concerned, she didn’t even realise the two of you had developed a special bond.  

“I’ll see you in the lab, Dr. Augustine.” You spat at her, venom dripping off your tongue as you rushed off in the same direction you came, apologising to the people you had barged into in your fit of despair.

What had you done to deserve this? Were you truly unworthy of friendship? Were you imagining all those moments with Tsu’tey. The intimate silences, the small touches, the deep conversations and the concern he had for you. Where had they gone? Did he hit his head the night before?

Or maybe it was just as he said. You were a parasite. Maybe he never felt any of those things, you just took them from him. Was this all that you were? A parasite in a fake body.

But this body was most dear to you. You felt so connected to the people and the nature. What if it was just to Tsu’tey. Had you been greedy? Been like every other sky-person and taken this worlds beauty for your own benefit.

Tears fell as you were consumed by your thoughts. You were so conflicted. How did you belong nowhere? Not with humans, not with Na’vi and not with anyone.

Disrupted from your thoughts you heard two voices in the distance. Rushing to hide up in a tree you saw the bodies of the voices.  

There was Jake and Neytiri, walking close together, talking as they planned there hunt. You watched the way they grazed upon each other. The way they would look at each other so lovingly, sharing giggles and touches. Waves of jealously crashed upon you.  

You watched them both and couldn’t help but imagine it was you and Tsu’tey. That it was you two sharing glances and loving touches.  

Your heart ached as you continued to watch them from afar. Your throat was tight the more they bonded, the more they loved. The ache in your heart was strong, the sting in your eyes was harsh as your fists were clenched.

At one point your feelings overtook you, because you were no longer fixated on the couple in front of you but the quiet words that left Neytiri’s mouth. “A clean kill…you are ready.”  

You watched the two share a look, a look of knowing and a look of accomplishment. You couldn’t help but feel your chest thrash, he was ready?

Jake was becoming Omaticaya while you are being thrown out by the future Olo’eyktan. This wasn’t fair! This wasn’t right! Your mind was foggy, and your heart stung. You had to leave. You couldn’t stay watching him succeeded right in front of you.

Leaving quietly, you returned to Hometree to lay in your hammock. You had enough of this day, it was best if you could just end it now.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Tsu’tey laid in his hammock wide awake. The ache in his heart hadn’t gone way like he thought it would. He couldn’t love a demon, what would that make him? A traitor to his kind.

But the way you smiled, the way you cheered at the most minute things, the way you continued to love everything about him while he gave you nothing in return. He didn’t deserve the kindness you had bestowed upon him.

He longed for you. He longed to hold you and tell you he was sorry. That he confronted Jake because he was angry for you. That it was never a mistake, he loved every minute with you.

He wanted you so badly that it ached. That his heart felt bruised in your absence. Tsu’tey couldn’t help but think of your soft fingers wrapped around his torso. He couldn’t help but dream of that flight with you. He couldn’t help but mourn that it was the last time he’d ever feel your touch, or feel your love.

It was his own doing. He pushed you away. But he craved your touch and he craved your smile. He craved every single part of you, but he can’t have you.

He can’t feel this way. He is not allowed to feel this way. He has a mate, he has a duty, and he has people to serve. A demon can’t take that from him no matter how much he wanted that demon.

The sobs of your broken heart rung in his ears as he tried to fall asleep, but they didn’t escape him. He just wanted to forget this. Forget you.

He knew that you were hurting. He knew that the sky-people also hurt you just like they hurt him. He knew that he hurt you too.

 He knew that you longed to be a Omaticaya, that you wanted nothing more to be able to provide and be useful.

He could see it in the way you paid attention to every syllable that exited his mouth. It was admirable how much you wanted to provide. He saw himself in you the way you wanted to serve. It made him recoil in on himself.

To be similar to a demon like you. But you weren’t a demon. Eywa, you were a beauty, a kind soul, the purest of spirits. You reminded him of a sacred seed. But you couldn’t be, and you would never be.

You weren’t Navi, you weren’t one of the people. You never could be with the way he wanted you.

└────── ⋆☆⋆ ──────┘

tags/closed: @koolaidmanscaresme @suntizme @forestcottage @avatarlover21 @mechformers @jennielune @dilfs-bitch @simplefools @merla123 @awkward-halfhug @atwow699 @scarlettisconfusedd @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed @elegantkidfansoull @tarrynightss @randxmthxughts @ronalsgirl @gardenofvows @zitarcis @i-thirsty-boii @lin0leum @lovekeehoo @notyurdad @supercoolusernamesblog @cupidddd-d @im-in-a-pansexual-panikanik @saltedcoffeescotch @jakesullysslutttt @valentineheartzz @eywas-heir @perilous-pasta @fanboyluvr @asd3ku @atsukiswrld @moonpie3000 @coffeeaddictednymph @anangelwhodidntfall @snips-501 @dangerouslittlefairy @chaos-in-person @rebeccao03 @adaydreamaway08 @jellybeanstacey0519 @graykageyama @aracelikara

(sorry if i didn't get u, or if it didn't work)

reblogs + replies appreciated!! i'll give u a big ole smooch and a imaginary teddy bear

[ax-cx]

INTOXICATING

Luke Castellan x Fem!OC

slight Pervy!Luke and Toxic!Luke

Warnings: swearing, heavy make out, mentions of slight stalking, super obsessed Luke, mention of drugs, flirting

Just pure fluffy love really

“You can’t keep dancing with the devil and ask why you’re still in hell.”

Intoxicating

adjective

- (of alcoholic drink or a drug) liable to cause someone to lose control of their faculties or behaviour.

- exhilarating or exciting.

- "an intoxicating sense of freedom"

Laila was intoxicating. Just looking at her made my mind run miles. Her beautiful brown hair, falling down over her shoulders. Her beautiful green eyes, glinting when she looks up at me. Her beautiful smile, contagious and bubbly.

Fuck man, I’m so done for. The way she says my name, gods help me.

“Luke.” soft, sweet and silky. Just imagine how it’d sound beneath- no shut up Luke. She’s perfect. Don’t ruin her.

“Yes sweetheart?” oh gods, stop looking at me like that dollface. Can’t you see me melting here?

“I need your help.” her cheeks reddened. Like strawberries and summer sun.

I can’t be this crazy for a girl, right? I’m just Luke. I’m the best swordsman at camp, son of Hermes, and a silly little Demeter girl can’t make me feel this way. Even though she picks flowers everywhere she goes, and the roses greet her like an old friend; even though the shrubs and plants seem to bloom brighter when she walks past, nature pouring from every pore of her pure soul.

“Of course Laila, what do you need?” my voice was shaky, of course it was. She was so fucking stunning my heart hurt. She gave me a headache and a high I couldn’t chase anywhere else. So I was her little servant instead.

She wanted help? Always. Can’t choose an outfit? Sweetheart you look perfect in blue. Someone giving her a hard time? I’ll fucking kill them. She wants food? I’ll get her anything. That bracelet’s cute? Bought it already.

I followed her like a wolf trailing behind a little lamb. All I wanted was her aura, her devilishly inducing soul. I’d do anything she asked. I’d burn the goddamn world to the ground. Just to make her happy. Anything to see her smile.

Chris told me I was obsessed. Maybe I am. Just a little. Just a lot. She takes up my every waking thought, tying up my mind in flowers and thorns, sweet smiles and sugary sounds. The way she walked. The way she talked.

I found myself hidden outside her window, looking in on her dressing once. Like a child outside a candy shop, my face was pressed to glass so hard I nearly fell through. The curves of her body, the scars on her knees, the freckles across her shoulders and clavicle. She rivalled Aphrodite, the fucking beauty she is.

“I need a new bikini and I don’t know which one to get.” fuck. How am I meant to hold myself back now? Surely she’s trying to kill me.

“Laila you look great in anything. But-“

“Blue’s your favourite colour, I know Luke, I know.” Laila I’m begging you, don’t put a blue bikini on, I might fuck up this perfect relationship. “So I picked out two blue ones but I don’t know which ones better.”

Oh god. I could feel my blood going south already. I watched as she slipped into the changing room, drawing the curtain, metal scraping metal. I listened as she shuffled, watched her clothes hit the floor and the shadows of her curves pulling the material on. I hated how long I waited, I was dying to see her.

I was dying to see my girl.

Metal scraping metal, and a soft whisper. “Luke?” my eyes met perfection.

Shamelessly letting my eyes wander, the blue fabric was tastefully perfect on her sun-bronzed skin. I’d forever be grateful for Apollo for how he made her shine. Her hips, her breasts, smattered with freckles and battle scars, marred in its most perfect form. Glowing and radiant. A princess in its finest definition. My beautiful drug. Little shells and gold trinkets were looped into the mesh, woven into the blue and trailing down her ribs and thighs.

Her hair was tucked behind her ears, her face on full display. Strawberries and summer sun dancing across her cheeks. Playful freckles smeared on her skin, full lips pulled into a meek grin. I stood up, and took her chin by the finger, lifting her embarrassed eyes to meet mine. I saw her curl in on herself.

“Laila you don’t need to be ashamed. You look great.” great. A disgusting understatement for how ethereal she looked. Aphrodite worked her magic and worked hard on her. The word felt filthy on my tongue. A princess like her needed to be praised and showered in the filthiest compliments, degraded by affection and ruined by attention. She glowed, and the world stopped.

I couldn’t hear a thing but my heartbeat. Racing, trying to tear from my chest and embrace hers. Her eyes gleamed, and I felt my resolve crumble. My confidence, my senses, my mind and soul falling to bare parts of who I am.

A man so effortlessly infatuated with a woman.

Losing all my thoughts, all my being, I melted into her. I gave up, finally leaning into my instincts and pressing my lips to hers.

They say your first kiss with a person you love is like fireworks. Your lips ignite and everything feels right.

It’s a lie. It’s like a fucking war. Winning and losing, fighting and failing. Kissing the girl I’m completely besotted with. Fuck. Her lips were heaven on earth, soft and plump, the perfect fit to mine. Gods this girl was meant for me. I truly must’ve been blessed, for finding a girl that just fits effortlessly, lips the missing piece to my fucked up puzzle, is a one in a billion girl.

I reluctantly pulled my lips from hers, immediately missing the warmth that bloomed in my chest, the warmth of her lips.

“Laila I’m so sorry.” she blinked, once, twice, still processing what is just done. I’d fucked it, I’d royally fucked it. “I couldn’t, I just couldn’t help my-“

My breath cut short, her fingers pulled on my belt loops, pulling me in, roping me further into her spell. She kissed me. Crashing our lips together, all teeth and tongue, all love and war. My perfect girl perfectly kissing me. My eyes were shut so tight, sight a pathetic sense when compared to her taste, her smell, her feel. Like the world was put right.

My hands swallowed her hips, kneading the supple bronze flesh. She was gold personified. Glowing, valuable and just stunning. Her skin was putty in my hands, the perfect golden feeling against my calloused hands. Soft and untouched. All mine to ruin.

I almost felt bad. Touching something so celestial, with my broken and damaged hands. With my plans and my anger. With my disgust and falsified details. With my wrath and rage. With my betrayal and my suffering. But I didn’t care. My care was out the window as soon as she kissed me. I finally got to be selfish for once. Thinking only of myself for once.

She was pure sugar. Addicting, intoxicating. Like my own personal cocaine.

Her hands were woven into my curls, like the soft curves of a tapestry twisting a timeless tale. This is a moment to remember for as long as I live, something I don’t ever want to forget.

She pulled her lips from mine, and my lips ached for the contact again. “So this one?” she grinned, her beautiful beautiful smile on her beautiful beautiful lips.

“I’ll get you both princess.”

My beautiful drug.

[kairos-polaris]

Can I ask your top 10 fav fics ever (from any fandom, if you don't mind)?

Also, just curious, is there a story behind your name "yaoshifollower"?

my name is a game reference! i picked it in April-May last year when i just started playing hsr and we got introduced to the aeon/god of abundance Yaoshi, i really liked their design and the idea that even good blessings can be harmful if taken to extreme. which is why i am their follower!

now, for my top ten fics, i am going to limit myself to jjk only but i can do a general list too if anyone is interested

(not ranking them because it's something i always struggle with ranking anything)

1. every jjk fic by voxofthevoid @voxofthevoid, because they'd take up the entire list otherwise. i can't chose one favourite tho the way it follows you home, the stories i never told and isolation neophyte, too afraid to taste your conscience are close contenders for the first place

i adore the way he writes Gojo, that arrogant selfish bastard, and Yuuji, my precious baby can do no wrong 🥰, their interactions with each other and people around them (gege could never). and the smut is always top tier, i am still not over one particular line and i don't think i ever will be

2. still water by movequickly. it's ita/fushi, a canon divergent au from 212 chapter of manga and i just really love Megumi's characterization, the introspection on his relationship with others, something we lack in manga, and Sukuna specifically. also there is minor suku/ita and i am obsessed with the fucked up flavour of it!! like yes yes, this is exactly the way i want them

3. putredine by EvilPeaches. hints of ita/fushi, but mostly suku/ita. also another perfect depiction of the fucked up relationship Sukuna and Yuuji have. Yuuji wins but loses so much in the process you are left to wonder if the victory was worth it. in the end skita merge becoming one person (very fucked)

warning: check tags for both fics, especially the third one (people were talking in the comments about how dark it was but i just got horny 😔)

4. i'll be anything you ask of me by Anonymous. mostly hiita, with some goyuu. short and sweet, Yuuji-centric and encourages him to ask for what he wants, which is something i always approve of. comfort fic for me

5. this side of paradise by omontz. goyuu 236 au, Satoru's death starts a time loop with Yuuji forced to live through each in Satoru's pov. i rarely see time loop fics not from the pov of the person experiencing it and this fic does it perfectly. each loop is perfect and it made me cry, oh poor Yuuji he suffered for so long

6. "But to you it's just words" by WriterOfTheMaximum (@the-hurdy-gurdy-man , hope i didn't mistag lmao), a historical goyuu au where they walk a lot . Gojo characterization is very important to me and he is so perfectly imperfect here, just the way he is in the manga. Yuuji is a precious boy ofc, love this fic very much and i am going to reread it soon

7. Convergence by NoGravity, a canon divergent goyuu au in which Yuuji with the prison realm end up in the past (pre hidden inventory arc). Yuuji tries to unseal Satoru and get back to the future while also getting closer with teen Satoru. teen Satoru's jealousy of his older self was super cute. and while the results of their actions in the past didn't fix their future, it created an alternate universe. in the end both goyuu of the og universe and the alternate one are happy together

8. Lipstick by Lumieerie. one of my fave goyuuge fics, just very lovely and super delicious smut, i read it multiple times

9. Misplaced calls by J_c_nth. a loor at Gojo's time in the prison realm during which he receives calls from Yuuji from a different universe. some just met their Satoru z some haven't, some know him well and some really well. those calls make him confront his own feelings for Yuuji and realise how much he loves him

10. Touch me, touch you by rizna. senpai/kohai au goyuu being stupid and stupidly in love and making other people suffer for it

[givethemsmut]

Dom Mysterio x Reader

Chapter Twenty-Eight | Where It All Started…

Dom came home, the way he always did, only this time I felt less like his future wife, future mother of his baby or even love of his life. I couldn’t shake the feeling of being a joke.

No amount of revenge sex with Randy was going to fix this.

No amount of time or separation was going to fix us.

We were broken by how often we used people to feel jealous and we couldn’t do that anymore.

“Do you always smell like cinnamon when you wake you?” Randy breathed me in with his arm tightly around me. “You know you are driving me crazy…”

My ass pressed into his crotch and I let my mouth fall open just feeling his hand brush my hard nipples through my thin top. “I want to take it slow for once… and Dom is home. I got a door alert last night.”

Randy’s eyes scanned the room like he would find him in the corner. Laughing, I hit his arm playfully, “he’s probably in the guest room.”

“Do you want me to leave?” I felt him whisper into my neck before kissing my shoulder.

Shaking my head I twisted into him, facing him, “I just wanna take it slow. I don’t wanna rush it. I want it to be right and it can’t be until things truly end with Dom.”

“You’re a temptress but I wasn’t going to fuck you with him down the hall.” His laugh muffled in my neck and I felt his hand smooth down my hip. “I never apologized… I’m sorry that happened to you.”

Automatically, I pushed him away, creating space and letting myself hurt outside any comfort his arms were providing. “Why? It’s my own fault. I had an abortion as a teenager and ruined my body. No one’s fault but my own.”

Randy’s shirtless physic slapped me in the face when I got up and saw the blanket barely over his lap. “That doesn’t mean you can’t be pissed or sad. You don’t always have to be so strong, babe.”

Pivoting on my heel I headed for our walk-in closet, responding without any eye contact. “I was forced to be this way. Survive childhood, survive Dom, survive losing our baby - all I know if surviving.”

I watched the golden Greek God in my bed fall on his back and his hands ran across his buzz cut contemplating how to get past my walls. No one ever succeeded - except Dom and look how well that turned out.

Tying the satin robe around my waist I tried to pull it down enough to cover my ass but failed. Walking back out I glanced towards Randy, swinging his legs over and sitting on the edge of the bed, where Dom once would. “I’m gonna make some coffee, you want some?”

“Read my mind. Let me get dressed and I’ll meet you down there.”

I stopped dead in my tracks, looking down the hall at the guest bedroom door closed. My heart was shredded, mutulated, and yet all I wanted to do was beg him to fix it. Fix us. Maybe even fix me.

Then I got angry that I was stuck in some bad loop of expecting him to fix us. It was clear we weren’t meant to be and yet my heart was bleeding letters of his name.

Downstairs I made two cups of coffee, standing next to the island, watching the coffee brew into the mug when I heard Dom’s quick feet down the stairs. Focusing my eyes, I tried not to look in his direction at all. Leaning into the countertop I felt the robe smooth against my ass as it rode up.

Dom reached over my shoulder, his crotch pressed into me while he snagged the coffee mug. I could feel his eyes sink into me, analyzing how truly naked I was under the robe. “You really had the nerve to fuck another man in our bed?”

“You really had the nerve to make out with Liv on TV? Should have gotten a bonus of all the tongue.”

His hands on either side of me, flat on the countertop, I felt myself tense against him. “That’s nothing new, sweetheart. We’ve seen each other do worse. Why don’t you tell me the truth for once.”

“The truth?” I snapped back.

“I’ve known you practically my whole life… tell me what you’re really mad about. Sure as shit ain’t kissing some ho we both know isn’t my type.”

“You could have said no. You could have turned down the storyline. I’m not there, Dom, where does it end? Are you fucking her too? I wanna be done using people to hurt each other.” I tried to shift but Dom wasn’t budging at all causing my ass to brush his crotch.

“I didn’t say no because I wanted the support of WWE. I was greedy. Despite what you think, I had very clear boundaries…” His mouth found my ear, whispering his last words, “until you went home with Randy.”

“Nothing even happened.”

“That’s why you’re naked in my kitchen making him coffee?”

“We should probably talk about the house, our stuff. I want it to be as easy as possible.” I still made no move to face him still when the second mug finished brewing.

Standing by my side instead he tried to find my eyes with his but I stayed focus. “Are you fucking serious? We were just pregnant. I was going to purpose.”

“I think it’s what’s best for us. We both have a lot going on.” I reached for the pill bottle and scooped two out with my finger while he watched. “This doesn’t have to be difficult.”

His eyes became even more filled with fire as he watched he chase those pills down with hot coffee. “Still taking those? Last time you were taking those you almost overdosed and we almost got pregnant for the second time.”

“I can buy out your half of the house. I would prefer to keep it.” I snapped back.

He shifted, crossing his arms, “I’m barely here. I can crash in the guest room but I’m not going to be down the hall hearing you fuck him. Get him out of my house, hermosa.”

Breezing by me I felt his shoulder brush mine while the pills took the edge off mentally already.

Randy jogged down the stairs over to me and sipping the hot coffee immediately. I watched Dom look over his shoulder at Randy engulf me into his arms perfectly.

Pulling away I announced, “I’m gonna shower.”

“Is it because he’s here? Princess, he knows, come on.” Randy’s husky voice smooth over me like honey. Only I felt stuck instead of seduced.

“It’s not. I just want to shower. I’ll be back.” I was already headed towards the stairs when Dom was planted at the top behind the wall, well hidden.

His eyes were slanted from his heavy brows carrying his contempt.

“I’m not apologizing for moving on.”

Stepping towards me I felt his hand grasp at my hip, “Hermosa, I won’t be responsible for hurting him if you fuck him in my bed. Remember that. I’m not a fucking kid scared of daddy’s punishment anymore, I’ll fight every last loser who touches you. We all have vices, babe.”

Squirming out of his hands I proceeded to my room, closing the door behind me and sliding down to the floor trying to compose myself. Only the pills were drying up my tear ducts and my face was too numb to look upset.

Dom threatened me moving on in any way, I should have been happy but all I felt was tired.

Moving across my room I hide in the bathroom where I took a deep breath and twisted the knob on the shower until the steam built up into a light fog.

The latch on the door might as well been an alarm when it shook all of down to my core as I froze in the shower, completely naked, when Randy stepped over the threshold.

“I’m naked,” I announced as if it wasn’t obvious.

“Perfect timing. I need a shower.” Pulling his shirt up and over his head I stole a glance at his toned body. Stepping out of his shorts next I bit my lip and prayed he would behave.

The shower door opened and I felt myself tense trying to cover my body he had already seen. “Randy. I don’t know if I’m ready for that… Dom is literally downstairs.”

“All I want to do is worship you,” his deep voice almost purred instead of spoke. I felt his body press against mine under the water and his hands found my thighs. “Let me eat that pretty pussy.”

“I… I can’t. Dom could hear. I can’t… we shouldn’t.”

I felt his hand between my legs softly gliding against my skin until his fingers found their way to my clit. “We’ve done this before, princess. We haven’t gone all the way but I didn’t forget what you taste like.”

His hand felt too good, the way his fingers teased my clit enough to get my hips to chase his touch without trying. His hand left my legs feeling empty when I felt every inch of his cock against me.

“Imagine how good this is gonna feel…” I felt his hand drag against my skin as he jerked himself off against my ass.

My whole body was shaking, vibrating, trying to not want him. “Randy,” was all I could get out.

Kissing my neck he whispered, “I’m gonna make you come all over me by just pushing all this inside, baby. Gonna stretch that tight pussy out.”

“Just kiss me. Slow, I need slow.” Turning to face him he stepped into me enough to push me gently against the shower wall. Our mouths hungrily opened and feed each other our tongues.

“Fuck, princess.” His moans and out of breath-voice only made wanting him worse.

The bathroom door opened, softly but fast, and Dom wasn’t the one to walk in. It was his mom, in designer from head-to-toe and her perfume filling the room. “Sweetie, is Dom home? Daddy has packets for him stacking up.”

It took her a moment to realize I was hidden behind someone twice the size of her son when she audibly gasped and stepped back in awe.

Pushing Randy back I dragged the towel down from the corner where it hung up. “Oh my god. This is not how I wanted you to find out…” Stepping through the glass door I glanced back at Randy shamelessly continuing to shower. “Dom and I…” I didn’t know how to confess we were separated.

“Where is my son?”

“The guest room,” I said without any additional information.

Dom’s smirk with his backwards cap only added insult to injury when he leaned against the doorframe watching me embarrass myself in a towel in front of his mom. “Nah, I’m right here. Classy, babe.”

All I could do was look down, avoiding using my sharp tongue, and arguing with Dom in front of his mom.

“I don’t know what is going on here but your dad is looking for you. You have packages piling up. I expect you to handle this.” Her voice was cold and stern the way it always was when she was disappointed. I felt like a teenager in her house all over again just pretending to be grown.

His mom exited the bathroom and Randy finished showering like nothing had happened. Stepping out of the shower I prayed he didn’t touch me in front of Dom when he grabbed another towel.

Dom took a few big steps with his long legs before stopping right in front of me. Without taking his eyes off me he spoke, “Your dismissed.”

Holding the towel against me I clamped my eyes shut before peeling them open again. Randy was out of ear shot when Dom slammed the door closed behind him.

“Have your fun, Lord knows I did, but the second you catch feelings… I’ll fucking kill him.”

His mouth practically teased my skin and the familiar scent of him only made everything worse. “Fuck him but don’t fall for him? Makes sense.”

“That’s your fucking speciality, hermosa. Take all the space you want but I own that ass. Eventually you come crawling back to me.” Ripping the towel down from my body he looked me over before dipping his head low enough for his mouth to catch my ear. “I’m in the guest room when you realize he doesn’t know the first thing about making you come.”

Shame and embarrassment washed over me enough to pop another pill. Something I already lost count of today. Scattering to cover myself Dom pushed open the door so hard I heard it kiss the wall.

We both needed to move on yet Dom wasn’t going to just lie down and let it happen.

[iminyournotis]

I was thinking, "I don't even have any friends to be honest with, or tell my shit to, because everybody seems to have some kind of stake in my personal business," but then I remembered TUMBLR EXISTEDDD, so here I am.

1. Ended up snooping on my NINETEEN year old coworker last night because he skipped out on BK with me after work, and I got UNREASONABLY possessive, noticing that he was talking to the new girl at work, and I thought no WAY he's fucking her... She just started. (And he made a WHOOOLE thing to me abt how he doesn't want to hook up-- he just wants to find someone he loves and 'make love'. ((I was all, 'You're completely valid.' and then look at the camera like I'm in The Office then do the finger loop crazy sign at my head's temple, crossing my eyes. LOL.))) So I pulled back up after I finished getting BK alone because I was salty as hell and overly curious, and they were still there an hour and ten after close... I honestly scared them and embarrassed myself and I tore off.

2. Went to the gas station beforehand, because I had started smoking cigarettes again like a day or two ago, because I've been stressed about having Seb cock block his brother from me (and potentially for me. It's complicated.) and it lowkey feels like Caleb ALLLL over again, and it's making me lose my mind, so I'm back to stressedly chuffing.

Went to buy a pack, and this dude hollered in the gas station. I hollered back.

We were talking, I give him my phone number, I told him I'm willing to hook up, he's like 'alright, cool... Maybe pick me up later cause I need a whip,' I'm like, 'Okay.' Cue Burger King and checking where I shouldn't.

3. Go back to my parents' house and dude texts me asking if I was trying to link up... It's late, I tell him yeah anyway. I have work at 8:30, and it's already 11 or midnight by the time we're messaging each other. I end up pulling up to this bar I've never been to around midnight, and I end up taking him and his friend to get blazed out in a parking lot somewhere. Dude I was gonna hook up with doesn't smoke za, but his friend does. I get high and immediately get scared, because now I'm OVI, and I have two young Black men in my vehicle with me, and I get scared that some awful shit was fixing to happen, so I go, 'I'M GETTING YOU BOTH HOME SAFELY. I'm not pulling out until our seat belts are fastened, etc.' Went full mom mode. (Also, at this point, the young man I was with was 22, and his friend was 21. They thought I was younger than even them, which was hilarious. So another predatory woman moment for Mama.)

Drop 21 off. Go to drop 22 off next, but he takes me to this outfield out the way... We park, talk some; he hits it and as he's getting out of the backseat, I go, "Wait, did you finish?" He very non-chalantly said "Yeah," as he's putting his pants back on. I go, "... Did you cum inside me?" He responds pretty deadpan "Yeah." I'M LIKE "WHAT? Did you even plan on telling me???" He goes, "I mean, yeah." I was stunned. He's like, "I mean, you can take a Plan B if you don't feel safe." NFJSJFHJDN I was losing my mind. NOT the fucking point. He's like "Are you mad at me?" I'm like, "TO be honest, yeah."

I drive him back home, he forgets something in my car, I pull back around, he's tryna get me to stay at his mom's house with him for the night (which he pays rent at), I say no. I drive off. He goes, 'Actually, I forgot my hat, too.' I was like 10 minutes down the road and closer to home by the time I saw this message, so I'm like 'Man, I'm keeping it now. Sorry.' He's like, 'alright it's fine. lol.'

End scene. Oh, actually not, because by the time I get back into my city/town, it's like 3:30 AM. I didn't even wash my clothes, I still needed to shower, I haven't really been eating for the last week, so I thought, 'Fuck it. I'm calling off.'

Haven't called off a single time since starting, even through this lowkey nasty cold I had a few weeks ago. So my manager, who I'm WAY too involved with, was like 'wtf?? You're just not coming in?' I'm like yeah. She's like "What's your reason." All investigative. I'm like "Not been eating well. It's for my health." She goes, "Get well." I'm such a fucking loser.

So then I woke up like an hour ago at three PM, and here I am. ❤️ What the fuck is going on with my life, though.

[sunnylands-world]

draco x lucias x reader smut

The Malfoy men

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x fem reader x Lucius Malfoy

Summary: you're just cleaning like usual when both Malfoy's decided to fill you with their cocks…

Word count: 1'680 possibly more

Warning: threesome, oral [both male and female receiving] unprotected sex, dirty talk, sir kink, pet names [slut, princess, whore] absolute filthy, spanking, squirting, Lucius is kinda are main star thought it was only fair since I haven't written for him in a long time, reader is filthy I think that's it let me know if I missed anything

Universe: Harry Potter

A/n: I think this is the most filthy thing ever [ Keep in mind you I haven't written anything like this before so bare with me]

You didn't know what time of day it was, most likely noon, since Mrs.malfoy was out grocery shopping as you made the bed for Lucius and Narcissa. You hummed in delight, turning to walk out when you came to a halt seeing Lucius at the door. You weren't sure how long he'd been there watching you and that made your heart race, but you kicked yourself for looking at this man as anything other than your boss, considering he was married. It made it all wrong that you were checking him out but you couldn't resist, he was so tempting.

His long platinum hair, God you loved that hair and you knew it would be soft if you pulled at it and his overall look just made you want to kneel before him. He was surely the type to degrade you, probably through you around a bit and if you're lucky, his large hand would leave a print on your ass.

"Can I help you sir," you said, your voice shaking. you weren't sure when you started hyperventilating.

"No, not with cleaning that is, " he whispered the end smoothly and your thighs squeezed tight.

"Then what would you like sir? a meal?" You are still trying to make this innocent.

"I'd like to eat you, " he states looking you over. His eyes moved slowly and you nearly choked.

"i- we-"

"You won't stop me if I do," he says, walking closer to you. your legs hit the bed.

"but your wife sir isn't this wrong?" You deny the damp panties between your legs.

"call me sir when I fuck my tongue into you okay," he says before he pushes you fully back, putting your legs up on the bed and spreading them revealing the black panties you wore.

"You definitely make black look better than I do, especially since you've decorated these for me." he groans.

"sir you can't-"

"Yes I can, and I'm going to make you shake and cry against my bed until I'm tired." he breathes, pulling you panties away, making you gasp. as if he knew you'd protest he attacked your pussy latching his mouth onto the area and licking you like a frozen treat. your hand grips his hair and it's just as soft as you imagined. you let out a breathless moan, your back arched.

"Lucius, oh god" you're not proud with how quickly you've given in but how could you not when he's making out with your wetness like this. his eyes are shut and you only partly wish you could see the blue color but it really doesn't matter at the moment. you're up on your arms watching him but your head drops back occasionally.

"fuck!" You cry, rutting against his face.

"You taste so good! you're such a slut for letting me do this. you didn't even really try to stop me, just let me stick my tongue in your sweet little pussy." he growls, his hands gripping your thighs to pull you closer, feet resting on his shoulders. your eyes roll back and you moan on a loop not feeling the slightest bit of worry or guilt as your toes curl against him. your chest rises and falls but he pulls back. you think you'll cry from losing the delicious feeling of his tongue against you.

"don't worry my little slut I'll have you full soon" he says, noticing the pout on your face. He pulls his dress pants down revealing his cock to you. you try not drooling seeing the thick shaft in front of you. his tip red and swallow, the veins running along his length and he's gotta be a good seven maybe even eight. you don't even hesitate spreading your legs wide for him presenting your soaked pussy for his use.

"good little whore. take your clothes off for me, I wanna see all of you." he says. you listen, pulling away your top, your breast bouncing when you get them free. you go to lay on your back but he shakes his head.

"on your hands and knees" he ordered and you listen, getting on all fours trying to anticipate the thrust before it comes but you can't since your eyes trail to the door that's slightly cracked.

What about-

He's buried himself in you. He didn't even go in slowly and it completely cleared your thoughts. He's deep, really deep and he's got himself pressed right against your spot, your wet walls snug around him remembering every fine curve and vein until he begins to move, thrusting into you hard. god, you're sure your g-spot won't exist once he's done beating it like this. your arms are struggling to hold you, his hands gripping your hips bruising the skin.

your eyes roll again and your sure you looked fucked dumb with your mouth hung open constant whines and whimpers leaving you loudly as he slams into you. you've never been able to drip all down your thighs with arousal but you've never been fucked by Lucius Malfoy.

"Draco, you can come in now" he called from behind you and you're not sure you heard him right until…holy shit. Draco's in the room in his boxers and a t-shirt and you can tell from the tent in them that he inherited his father's size.

"Jesus father have you fucked her stupid already?" Draco chuckles. you shake your head. you really want him to put your mouth to good use and quiet your noisy cries.

"Draco please" you beg and Lucius laughs behind you.

"God am I not good enough for you. you need us both," Lucius teased and you nod, your mouth coming open tongue hanging out.

"fuck you asked for it and I'm gonna leave that throat of yours soar" draco growls, pulling his boxers down and your assumption was correct, he is about eight but you don't get to ponder it long before he sticks his cock into your mouth. you hum in appreciation, hollowing your cheeks, your tongue flat against his cock as you suck like you're trying to get every drop. his head falls back with a groan as he grabs both sides of your face pushing all the way.

He goes slower than his father trying to give you time to relax and you're grateful for it as you take a breath through your nose. He bucks his hips into your face, bringing your nose to his base as you gag at bit.

"fuck that's good. Her mouth's nice, warm, and wet." Draco moans,

"just like her pussy." Lucius says, smacking your ass and you moan, clenching around him.

"Oh, you like that don't you." he says, repeating the motion and you let tears of pleasure fall from your eyes as they begin to move. Lucius pulls you back and sends you forward making you engulf Draco's cock, drool running out the corners of your mouth.

"dirty fucking girl, your making a mess." Draco says, eyeing your hazed over look. He'd photograph it if he could. it doesn't take long for the boys to get into a rhythm of a brutal pace. you take this down as the sluttiest thing you've ever done and you're not ashamed as either of them slide in and out of you like a toy. you let your tongue lick around him as much as you can with him being so big and thrusting into you. your breathing is labored and you know you'll need to breathe soon so you work harder to get Draco to fill your mouth with his taste.

you know you're doing something right with the tightening of his balls. you applaud yourself for getting both men at once and you definitely wouldn't change a thing with the way they are taking you. you'd never be able to decide between them when they both are so alluring with their looks. Lucius grows sloppy behind you and draco's mumbling gibberish as he thrust into you. you whine letting him know you need air and he seems to get it pulling out letting you take in oxygen and your moans come out after with tears coming down your cheeks.

You sound like you're crying but it's all so intense and so good that you're shameless about letting them know, you're babbling about it.

"you're a loud little princess for us aren't you?" Draco asks, crouching down a bit so he's at eye level. you nod to gone to piece together words.

"I like that," he whispers, before he crashes his lips on yours tasting himself. you kiss back with the same need till he pulls away putting his cock back inside your mouth. you go back to work sucking hard when you feel yourself shake and tremble then you're gushing and you're not even with them anymore. everything's white like you've risen to a place beyond Earth till you're pulled back with a hard deep thrust into your throat and you know Draco's coming right behind as Lucius pulls out cleaning his and your mess from between your legs.

you let Draco use you till he reaches his end with an animalistic growl. his salty taste fills your mouth, some of it coming out the corner of your lips. your addicted to his taste sucking it from him till he hisses pulling away. he bends again kissing you before he goes and gets another towel cleaning the mess that was all over your neck. he grabs you from the bed as Lucius cleans the sheets remaking it all with a flick of his wand.

"stay with her while I get water and food" Lucius says and draco nods cuddling beside you.

"How are you, princess?" He asks, tucking your hair behind your ear.

"I'm pretty happy," you stretch like a cat after a nap.

"I got fucked by both Malfoy's" you finish and draco chuckles as your eyes flutter.

Draco lovers and requests

@alexxavicry, @sarahthehuffpuff, @supercoffeeblogs, @thatwattpadobsessed, @amyclare04, @kyracanwrite, @animeloverfreak310, @imafangirl22, @phildunphyisadilf, @jac1ndaa

[cunty-hunty8]

why seigfried is frank ocean’s best song and how i interpret it:

the first three lines start with the memory/description of a loved one

“the markings on your surface, your spackled face. flawed crystals hang from your ears.”

the next two talk about not being able to relate to people around, because maybe he wants something completely different from what they have and from what’s expected of him

“i couldn’t gauge your fears, i can’t relate to my peers”

now he talks about preferring to be himself, out in the world even though it’s hard being a queer black guy

“i’d rather live outside, i’d rather chip my pride then lose my mind out here”

he goes more in depth on what he’s kind of afraid and decides he is not brave enough to settle (when actually, he’s braver for choosing to be himself*)

“maybe i’m a fool, maybe i should move and settle, two kids and a swimming pool. i’m not brave”

*and he kinda knows that

“brave”

“im not brave”

he keeps describing this feeling of doing things he didn’t want to do

“been living in an ideia, an ideia from another man’s mind”

and then he finally settles a bit with what he wants and who he is and says

“i’d rather live outside, i’d rather go to jail, i’ve tried hell (it’s a loop)”

and this is a surreal feeling, of being in a loop, of feeling that when you think you got somewhere and you’re improving, understanding yourself and being authentic because you’re finally out, you understand that this, the suffering and the not belonging never really stops, it’s a loop. and it’s so fucking crazy that he says

“this feels like molly must feel”

and maybe you start looking back and thinking that maybe it was easier before, you weren’t yourself, but you had something, some security, someone, maybe…

“this is not my life, it’s just a fond farewell to a friend. speaking of nirvana, it was there”

he may be referring to his younger self here

“there with my crooked teeth and companion sleeping”

and here he just goes deep in thoughts and dreams the ones you have when you’re searching for something, like a belief or a purpose, and there you can be whoever you want

“that could think of a dreamer that thought, that could think of dreaming and getting a glimmer of god”

and then he’s talking about how this all might seem worthless but life goes too quickly not to wonder, no to dream

“less morose and more present, dwell on my gifts for a second. a moment one solar flare would consume, so why not”

he uses drugs too cope, to think about things and cry about this person

“eat some shrooms made me have a good cry, about you”

and at the end he repeats

“i’d do anything for you, in the dark”

and we don’t know if that means he’s still hiding after all but we know he still loves this someone enough to consider this. but it’s a loop so…

and on top of these deep, relatable lyrics we have this amazing sounds, giving this sensation of a late summer you remember fondly, sad ‘cause you can’t go back and beautiful ‘cause you can remember.

it can’t get better then this, honestly.

[lady-october]

Pairing : Oli Sykes x Female Assistant Genre : Romance, Smut (18+ Only) Previous Chapters : 1-8 on Archive of Our Own

Story Content : 18+, Smut, Drama, Choking, Power dynamics, Romance, Dom/Sub, Sadism/Masochism, Mentions of addiction & self harm, Degradation, Praise kink, Exhibitionism, Breath play, Dirty talk.

Summary :

“Don’t you see what a dangerous game you’re playing? Why did you have to look so fucking delicious tonight, I couldn’t stop undressing you in my mind, thinking of all the twisted things I want to do to you.” She had only worked on the touring team for three weeks, but her mind had been hijacked by dirty thoughts of a man she barely even talked to. Sure, he was very attractive, but were there other reasons she was so uncontrollably drawn to him? This is a filthy story of pain, self discovery, and love.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Chapter 9: Can you help the hopeless?

Chapter title is lyrics from "Can You Feel My Heart”

We're back to Oli's perspective for this one.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

She shouldn’t trust me.

I don’t even trust myself.

We were all in the taxi driving back to the hotel. I made sure she sat next to me, but all she’d done the past 20 minutes was stare out the window. 

Will she spend the night with me, or did she get everything she wanted from me already?

The street lights filtered through the car, highlighting how tired everyone was as they passed over them. Matt was asleep on the other side of me, and kept slumping onto my shoulder, which would have been fine if he wasn’t a drooler. I saw his mouth fall open again – my queue to push him off of me before my shoulder got wet.

I wanted her to spend the night with me and not run away this time; as if that somehow would prove she wasn’t using me. 

Would that really be enough? 

I wanted to say yes, but I wasn’t sure at this point. In fact I don’t know what it would take.

The lights kept hitting her eyes. She looked drunk, but happy. Satisfied even.

Satisfied because of me – the twisted things I did to her?

But I was torn. That gnawing, itchy spot deep inside me – that craved her as much as she seemed to crave me – no longer needed to be scratched. Which was an absolutely incredible feeling, not really comparable to anything else.

Yet I also felt filthy. Like I had betrayed some integral part of me. 

This isn’t how I wanted this to play out.

The problem is, the things I want from her I have no right to expect. I wish we weren’t on tour. I want to get to know her, help her get to know herself. Show her all the different sides of me; I wanted her to not run away in fear when she sees how fucking messed up I am.

The pain I felt when she ran away the first time – leaving me in the arena storage closet – flickered in my chest. Mingling with her words from last night, that had been playing on loop in my mind all day; ‘I’m terrified of having something worth losing.’ 

I had never related to a sentiment more, yet the way we handled this fear was completely polar opposite; and I honestly didn’t know whose approach was worse.

Am I being delusional? Would this ever work? Is this all we’ll ever be? 

…When the tour ends, do I just never see her again?

Tonight was the last night at this hotel, then it was back to the tour bus with no privacy except a few fleeting moments. If only she didn’t want to keep things private, at least that way it would make sense for us to want alone time. But I knew that wasn’t what she wanted.

Every time the street lights washed over her face my heart would tug.

Is it just a crush? Do I just need to wait it out?

I don’t like who I became tonight because of her. The type of person who talks to someone he can’t stand for hours, just to make their crush jealous. What fucking twat does that?

Oh yeah – me, apparently.

But I don’t know how to stop. The more I try to play it cool, the fucking crazier I seem to get. The more I try to not think about her, the more I do. It’s exhausting. 

Is it even a crush, or an obsession? 

I don’t know how to tell them apart at this point.

I hate how my feelings always have to be so large. Life would be so much easier if I could feel things in normal amounts, like normal people do. Others can kill spiders just fine without drowning in guilt. Meanwhile this world has too many sharp edges for someone like me, as if I’m a completely different breed of human that doesn’t seem to fit anywhere without going fucking mad. 

Without turning to drugs.

I feel like a loser. Imposter syndrome no matter how successful the band has gotten.

Her hands were in her lap. If I was just a bit more drunk, I’d take one of them into mine right now, pull her closer to me. 

But I knew better than that. I had pushed my luck so far tonight I wasn’t sure there was any coming back.

Am I just self sabotaging?

When we went back downstairs to join the others at the party, she had spent the rest of our time there desperately hiding the marks I left on her. Making sure her hair was covering them, or she’d keep her hand there. Somehow that hurt me, as if I didn’t already know she wanted to keep things private. Just like it hurt me when she didn’t react sooner to me chatting with that bird. 

Or when I woke up this morning, and the space next to me was cold and vacant.

I watched her drink more and more as the hours went on, her speech getting more slurred, her eyes looking further into the distance. I couldn’t tell if she was drinking to have fun, or to run away from everything I was putting her through. She was sitting with Mat and Lee, all three of them in hysterics over something I hadn’t quite overheard, when Liam had tapped on my shoulder.

“Can we have a quick chat?”

I looked at him suspiciously, “Sure, mate.” 

We got off the sofa and he led me outside to sit on a bench looking out over the city view, “This seems quite serious, should I be nervous?” I said with a laugh.

He was drunk but clearly not as drunk as I thought, cause he appeared dead sober when he turned towards me to ask, “You like Alice, yeah?”

I inhaled deeply. We hadn’t talked about Alice since the night I asked about her weeks ago. And while I knew he was aware we hooked up, I guess he must have known more than I realised. A large part of me was happy he knew, and was happy I could talk to someone about it. So I answered honestly, “Yeah.”

“Then what the fuck was all that about with Sasha?”

He must have been referring to the bird I’d been chatting with for hours when we got here, “Was that her name?”

He laughed, “Right. Of course you didn’t even know her name.” He leaned deeper into the seat, “What happened to being kind to Alice? You know she’s going through shit.” He sounded worried, maybe even a bit upset.

I scratched my head, knowing how badly I fucked up tonight, “It seems I do really stupid shit when I’m scared.”

He must have had some type of understanding, cause he didn’t say anything for a long while as we just stared out at the view.

“You wanna know why I’m always in tank tops?” He asked out of nowhere.

I frowned, “Yeah, actually I really do. Nothing wrong with it mate, but when it’s fucking freezing out it makes me wonder. Especially since we’ve given you mountains worth of tour merch and you just cut off every sleeve in sight.”

“Alright, no need to make me feel weird about it.” He said with a frown.

“Shit sorry. I mean, yes please – enlighten me.” I said, gesturing with my hand to proceed.

A smile slowly bloomed on his face, “I’m a real skinny guy. I never liked to lift weights, always had a problem putting on weight. The amount of hook-ups I’ve had where the guys were in deep disgust when they saw these noodles.” He waved his arms about to highlight how bony they are. “I hated myself. Started wearing anything that covered me up. I stopped dating, just accepted my loneliness.” He looked down, “Quite sad really…” 

I opened my mouth to console him, but he continued before I got a chance, “But then my mate got injured, and as part of his rehab he needed to go swimming. Despite how much I hated being topless I wanted to be a good friend and support him. The swim instructor was an absolute god of a man, deep blue, ocean eyes.” His expression turned dreamy as he described the man, “After the third session he came up to me, told me I was the most beautiful man he had ever seen, took me out that night and he’s been my boyfriend since. He doesn’t stop gushing over my hair and my build. He told me he always wished more skinny men would show off their arms.”

“That’s beautiful, I love that.” I said sincerely.

His smile got bigger, “Since then I’ve worn all my ‘flaws’ on my metaphorical sleeves, and while many people don’t like me – or disagree with how blunt I am,” He gave me a knowing look, “I’ve gotten so much closer to some people, and gained myself some absolutely fantastic friends… And of course a job I couldn’t be happier with.” He said, nudging my arm.

I laughed, “Glad we don’t drive you mad.”

After another silent beat, he asked, “You scared she won’t like something about you?”

I knew that’s where he was going with his story. Liam had seen me through some of my worst times after the breakup. While we hadn’t talked about it, I know it was pretty obvious how fucked up I’ve been the past year.

“I showed her a glimpse of it a couple days ago, and she ran off.” I answered solemnly. Vague but true.

He studied my face, “Didn’t you guys just hook up?”

I smiled at him. “That obvious, huh? Who else knows?”

“To be honest with you Oli, I’m not sure the other lads would notice if you made out in front of them at this rate. They’re fucking clueless when it comes to most things.” We both laughed at that, before he continued, “But I just guessed, considering how fast you ran after Alice when she stormed off – and the state of you both when you came back.” He finished with a grin.

I sucked my teeth for a second, wanting to tell him more, not knowing what would be too much information. “I’m not sure what our hookups mean to Alice. I have a bad feeling it’s not the same as me.”

He nodded, “I don’t know, maybe it’s not meant to be. But there’s only one way to find out, really.”

His point was valid, but I was terrified. Knowing my odds were low – probably even lower after the kind of shit I pulled tonight. Yet looking at her now, staring out the window, it seemed worth the risk. 

The way she makes me feel…

It’s not like with my ex; her intensity matched my own, both of us desperate for something larger than life – an all consuming love neither of us was scared of, and embraced with open hearts and minds. I was gonna marry her, spend the rest of my life with her, I knew that early on. 

Then she tore me apart and left me in a state I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover from.

But it’s very different with Alice.

She’s not open. Sure, I can see the intensity simmer under the surface, but I don’t think it’s the same flavour as my own. And I can’t tell if that’s my perfect counterpart – my ying to my yang. Or if I’m water and she’s oil, and we’re doomed to never mix.

It doesn’t help that she lied tonight.

I knew I pushed her too far, I knew I shouldn’t have choked her that long. I just want her to see that she’s playing with fire, yet she refuses to admit it. For some daft reason it just makes me want to push her further.

When we pulled up to the hotel I quickly nudged Matt awake so he’d get out first.

“Not the bloody penguins!” He yelled as he jerked awake violently. 

All of us broke out in laughter, even the driver, “Fucking hell mate, you’re alright. You’re at the hotel, not Antarctica.” I said, amused.

Matt wiped at his mouth, “Thank fuck for that. Remind me to never invest in igloos.”

I shook my head, “Well shit, guess our next business venture’s off then.”

When Matt got out of the car I turned my attention back to Alice. I wasn’t expecting her to be smiling lazily at me, clearly drunk. I couldn’t tell if she was just amused from Matt’s dream, or if she was silently reaching out to me, letting me know she wants to spend tonight with me.

I was waiting to see if she was getting out on her side of the taxi, or staying behind to let the others get a head start. But she didn’t move. She just kept smiling at me, and I felt hope build in my chest.

When everyone else had evacuated, I slipped out of the car, offering her a helping hand. I’m happy I did as she more than likely would have fallen face first onto the pavement if I hadn’t been there to catch her.

She was a lot more intoxicated than I had originally thought. Sadness crept back into my heart at the realisation, knowing she wouldn’t be able to make a conscious decision on whether to stay with me tonight or not; knowing her choice might not carry too much weight.

I watched the others disappear into the hotel as I braced her against my arm to slowly lead her towards the entrance. She welcomed my help, leaning into me, warming something inside me.

“You alright, love?” I asked gently, testing to see how slurred her speech would come in response.

“Yeah, just really tired now.” She said, sounding perfectly sober.

I frowned, confused, not sure what to make of her state.

I watched through the clear glass of the hotel doors as the elevator door closed with everyone behind them. I smiled, knowing we’d get a moment of privacy to slip into the same room if we wanted to. But instead of walking through the entrance, I side stepped and leaned her up against the brickwork next to the door. She smiled up at me, glassy eyes meeting mine.

“Wait, why aren’t we going inside?” She asked.

I felt the nerves hit me as I responded with my own question, “Well, what room are we going to?”

“I don’t know.” She said, sounding more distant now. She placed her hands on my chest and began trailing upwards, sending a shiver up my spine. Was she not done with me afterall?

“Do you want more, love?” I asked, letting my hands slip around her waist, stepping closer to her.

“No, I’m exhausted.” She said, sounding more inebriated again. 

My confusion doubled. I didn’t have any more answers than before all my questions, so I decided to gently continue my prodding, “So what do you want to do?”

She searched my face wordlessly, her features turning sadder by the moment, causing my heart to sink.

This was it – this is the moment she’ll turn me down for good. Either out of fear of where this could lead, or she’d gotten everything she needed from me, and I simply wasn’t worth the trouble anymore after tonight.

I couldn’t blame her.

Rejection hit me like a ton of bricks before she even got a chance to say a single word.

Mine and Liam’s conversation was running through my head. Do I push through the fear and lay my heart out to her? This might be my only chance. Not knowing how drunk she was meant a couple of things; her reaction could mean very little, as she may feel very differently tomorrow. Or she simply wouldn’t remember any of it.

But I was drowning, and I could fight it with everything I had – hoping the waves would take mercy on me. Or just relax into it and sink to the bottom.

I decided to go out kicking and screaming.

Then my mouth opened to speak, knowing that it might be the worst mistake I’ll ever make. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind I found myself hoping she wouldn’t remember any of this, but the words had already begun escaping my mouth.

“You wanna know why I almost relapsed the first night we had sex?”

Shock flickered in her eyes, before she clumsily – drunkenly – nodded.

Okay, here we go.

My gaze fell to the ground and I took a deep, shaky breath, placing a hand on the brick next to her head to steady myself, before letting my eyes meet hers again. “I don’t think this world is made for people like me. I feel too much, too fast. And there’s no room for that anywhere, is there?” I could feel my heart racing as I let myself stare at her for a moment, trying to memorise her features – knowing this could be the last time I was this close to her.

My other hand seemed to have a mind of its own, as I found myself caressing her cheek. She leaned into it and warmth spread inside me, despite knowing it might just be the alcohol causing her to react like that.

“I think some part of me knew I was in trouble the first time I saw you.” I sounded so distant, making me question whether I’d spoken the words out loud or simply thought them.

I took another ragged breath as I let myself become more vulnerable, “I’m terrified of you. I’m terrified of how much I think about you. How much I feel for you.”

She was just staring at me, bewilderment on her face, making it impossible to tell what she was thinking, or feeling. But I knew exactly what I was feeling…

“I think I’m falling for you, Alice.”

It was as if I’d jumped off of a cliff as the words came out of my mouth.

Her mouth fell open, and I was expecting her to run off again any moment now, so I placed a hand on her arm before I continued. I wanted – no, I needed –  her to hear everything I had to say before she slipped away from me one last time, “And I know, I have a weird way of showing that with all my nonsense tonight.” One more deep breath before jumping off yet another cliff, “I wanted to get high that night to stay away from you, to save myself from whatever obsession I have with you, to save you from me – from stupid shit like tonight, when I know you’re in pain too. No one should have to put up with how fucking broken I am.” I laughed a bitter laugh, looking away, not ready to face what was in her eyes, “I’m intense, and I knew I’d smother you. So naturally, here I am, smothering you…” My words trailed off, sounding as defeated as I felt. Shaking my head, I let go of her arm, ready for her to make a run for it. Instead I felt her hands on my chest dig into my shirt. And when I dared to meet her eyes again there was so much emotion in them it was my turn to be shocked. I still couldn’t tell what she was feeling, and to prevent her from speaking one last time I blurted out the question I wanted answered most of all right now, “Anyway, you wanna come back to my room tonight?” Clumsy, forward question. But I had to know. 

My heart was pounding so fast I was getting light headed, as her mouth opened and shut a couple of times. I heard my nails dig into the bricks from how tense I was growing by each passing second.

“No,” The pause between her words were mere milliseconds, but it was enough to make me feel like my world was crashing down around me, before she quickly continued, “let’s go to my room. All my stuff is there.”

My whole body relaxed, and I couldn’t help but smile. I knew her response didn’t necessarily mean anything, but at least she hadn’t run away.

At least I would get to hold her as I slept again.

“Alright, your room it is.” I said and tucked her under my arm. She leaned into me, holding onto me eagerly as I led her inside.

We fought against the lock of her room for a while, but as soon as we got inside she instantly began ripping her clothes off. With every item she removed she nearly fell over, and the shoes she tore off hit the wall, missing the mounted TV by inches. I huffed out a laugh. It amazed me how she had similar grace – and luck – no matter if she was drunk or sober. 

When she was done she unceremoniously collapsed on the bed.

She was stunning naked. Her soft, ivory skin, only marked by me. So very different from my own skin, which was more marked than not.

I undressed and climbed in next to her, pulling her into my embrace. To my surprise, she didn’t just relax into it, but entangled us further, soothing every wound inside me.

I can’t remember the last time I slept as good as last night, with her in my arms; finally, rest without nightmares. With any luck tonight would be just as peaceful.

I felt her twitch, already fast asleep. Not surprising with how exhausted she was. I fought against my own sleep for as long as I could, wanting desperately to enjoy the moment, but I could feel myself slip away.

And before I knew it I was drifting…

The crimson river flows far and wide.

Her lifeless eyes stare down at me; I could fall into them, swim in them, drown in them.

She is starving.

She takes a bite; do I taste sweet enough?

Sharp teeth tearing into warm flesh.

She’s painted red; blood runs down her chin, down her breasts, down to where our bodies connect.

Once again her claws reach into me; my ribcage an open book for her to read.

She takes what she wants, what she needs – what she craves.

Meticulously picking me apart, leaving the unwanted behind.

Discarded, like peas on a child's dinner plate.

My remains are left to rot.

... Subscribe to the story on Ao3 for future updates

[kovajean]

As someone whose favorite movie (second only to Whiplash) is Karate Kid III, I’ll never understand people that think it’s a bad movie.

Although my reasons aren’t entirely objective, it’s still worth writing about. It’s crazy how nearly tailor-made this movie is for me.

&

The over the top villains in Mike and Silver are perfect, because they have hardly any motive. I love simple shit like that.

Why is Silver doing this? Because his best friend was embarrassed. Why is he doing it in this way? Because he’s evil. Why is he evil? Because he is. Let’s also not forget the fact that he’s a corrupt oil barren. That shit’s hilarious. He’s also hot as fuck and I, as a gay man, am allowed that as a reason.

Why is Mike doing this? Money. Why is he doing it this way? Because he likes beating people up. Why does he like beating people up? Because he does. Who cares that there’s no deeper meaning behind it? I certainly don’t. I like when villains are bad because they like to be. I don’t want anything different. And I especially love that Cobra Kai didn’t retcon his insanity, like they’ve retconned other people’s wrongdoings...

&

The dialogue is both great and fucking awful at the same time. Here are some of my favorite lines from the movie:

“They made you suffer, so I’m gonna make them suffer—and suffer, and suffer, and when I think they’ve suffered enough, then I start with the pain.” (This line fucking SUCKS LOL)

“When I'm finished with that kid, he'll be begging me to be his teacher. And you know what he's gonna learn from me? Pain. In every part of his body. And fear—in every part of his mind. And here's the kicker: He's gonna thank me for it.” (This is probably my favorite line ever from any movie. It’s so good. The first time I showed this movie to my ex-boyfriend he would quote this shit at me every single day.)

“Johnny, by the time that little twerp steps into the ring to defend his title, I’m gonna have him thinking he’s invincible. Then he’s gonna find out what pain and fear really mean. Right in front of a thousand people.” (This line gives me chills. So good. Would be better if he used something less Disney bully than “twerp”, though.)

“It’s okay to lose to an opponent—Must not lose to fear!” (This along with the majority of Miyagi’s lines are great. I don’t need to go through them all. This is just my favorite one.)

The thing about these movies is that each one has varying levels of dialogue quality. KK1’s dialogue is fucking awful. But at least some of the lines are funny enough to laugh at. There are some good lines in there, but that’s just it. Good lines. Not memorable. Same thing with KK2. The dialogue in that movie is just good. That’s all. I can’t recite a single line from that movie. Because the lines aren’t memorable. Except for, of course, “honk”. Do not get me wrong though. I'm not saying this movie is the best Karate Kid movie. No way. It's just my favorite, and it's not as bad as people make it out to be.

&

The score had me looping it for 3 months straight. I'm not even hyperbolizing here. The whole of it is just wonderful. The reused and remixed songs like Kata Training are great. But when I get to Silver’s theme, that’s a whole different thing. Listen to this shit:

How is this real? I’m a huge classical music fan, and I could not stop playing this song over and over and over again. Listen to this one:

Did you know that this song wasn’t even used in the movie? This is an alternate version of Terry’s Next Move, which plays over the Kreese and Silver phone call as well as the Mike Barnes Magazine Car Ride. The one they went with certainly works better for the scene, but I love, love, love this one. So much more. 

I never thought I’d be hooked on a series of songs from a Karate Kid movie composed by the same guy who did Rocky, but here I am. 6 months strong, too. I was in a high school theater production when I watched this movie for the first time, and every free moment I had backstage was spent looping each piece with any bit of Terry’s theme in it (such as Terry Silver, Terry’s Next Move, Terry Sneaks In, and Daniel Submits. I also had Terry Owns Daniel on loop occasionally, but that song doesn’t have any real instances of Terry’s theme in it–it just sounds similar. And yes, these are the official names of the songs in case you weren’t aware.) I also listened to these songs on loop while doing an art class project (which was of, you guessed it, Karate Kid characters).

&

I love Daniel in this movie. Love him. More so than any of the other movies. He’s exponentially sillier, he becomes best friends with a girl instead of dating her, he demonstrates color theory, and his irritability and sass are on full display. I also like that he's not super skinny anymore, and that he actually looks his age. (My love for him may also be aided by the fact that I relate most to his personality and appearance in accordance with this movie versus the first two).

I LOVE JESSICA! You will never meet a bigger Jessica fan than me. I love her so, so dearly.

She brings out the good in Daniel.

She shows us that Daniel is good with rejection. When she tells him she has a boyfriend, his opinion of her stays the exact same. He doesn’t push her. He lets it go, and they immediately become best friends. All because she told him that she hadn’t made any friends yet.

I like that Daniel is protective of her despite the fact that they’re not dating. He really cares about her, and he doesn’t expect anything in return. He’s not spoiled. But I also like that Jessica gets mad at him, because he went way too far. She doesn’t let him get away with it or treat him like a hero. She gets upset. Because Daniel just assaulted someone who hadn’t done anything deserving of violence (yet). And when she leaves, Daniel recognizes his mistake. He recognizes all of his mistakes. All because of Jessica. I can promise you, had she reacted positively, the movie would have ended differently. She was the step he needed to snap out of his power trip. And I love her for it.

She also trains with Daniel! None of his love interests did that!

I’m saving the color theory section for a separate post where I will go over every Daniel outfit and what they mean for the scene because I have the free time to do so and dammit I’m not hyper fixated on Karate Kid III enough already so I might as well let myself get worse. You feel me?

Despite the fact that Daniel's clearly nervous around Silver, he’s still a piece of shit during their training sessions. I respect that. He’s also incredibly snappy towards Mike and his gang even though he knows he shouldn’t be. His morals are also on full display if you think about it. He’s mean to mean people, even if being nice to them will work out better in the long run. Because he refuses to be nice to people who don’t deserve it. As well as vice versa. Except for when he snaps at Miyagi. Hmm, I wonder why he does this? Perhaps, is it maybe, the fact that he’s being manipulated to use anger as a coping mechanism?

People go on and on about how whiny Daniel is in this movie, but they don’t seem to consider why.

Daniel is assaulted over and over again by Mike and his gang, and his new best friend gets roped into it. He stores this anger because he has nowhere else to put it. Then he meets Silver, someone who gives him an outlet for it. He finally has something to do with this pent-up rage, until he’s given mixed signals by the people around him when he uses this newfound coping skill. Miyagi gets upset, Silver praises him, Jessica leaves him. How is he supposed to know what to do? Of course he has a mental break. He rants to Jessica about it, then to Miyagi, and he thinks he has his problems fixed. Then, to make matters worse, he finds out that Silver was tricking him the whole time. Now he has to relearn Miyagi-Do. That fucking sucks. I’d go crazy too. This, along with the fact that he wanted to compete in the All-Valley so badly that he brought it up to Miyagi on multiple occasions, was shot down every time, finally gave up, and then was forced to care again? AND Miyagi refuses to train him even though it’s hardly his decision anymore? How Daniel kept going in this movie is beyond me. He’s not whiny, he’s livid. He can’t catch a fucking break.

I’d say his anger is accumulated throughout the movies. This one year has been more eventful than the rest of his life was prior. Everyone he meets seems to want his head on a stake and there’s literally nothing he can do about it. He just wants to be a normal guy, and no one will let him.

He’s also certainly not weaker in this movie in comparison to the second. He’s been broken down by everyone trying to fight him and he’s at a point where he’s trying not to care. He’s trying so hard, but when Mike shows up it’s difficult for him to keep pretending. The fact that Daniel loses to him is meant to show you that Mike is strong, not that Daniel is weak. Anyone that can defeat Daniel after Daniel’s torment in KK2 deserves to be feared. And don’t forget that Mike had the ability to kill Daniel in the bonsai scene. The only reason he’s less threatening than Chozen is because his acting is bad.

If you want to argue that he’s weak throughout the entire movie, then you’d be half correct, I guess? He’s a different sort of strong for the last half of the movie. This is because Silver teaches him different moves. Daniel stops using what he used to know (the style of Karate that we’ve seen him use up until this point), and is now using exclusively this new style. And when you consider that this new style only has 3 different moves, of course he’s going to look weaker. The All-Valley scene Daniel also isn’t weaker if that’s your argument, because there is genuinely no other way he could have beaten Mike than with Kata. Mike is immune to Miyagi-Do. That’s why Daniel never beat him in any of the scenes leading up to the All-Valley. Daniel is also overcome with fear thanks to Silver. The ineffectiveness of Miyagi-Do on Mike and the lasting fear of the manipulation he dealt with is not a good combination. He beat Mike with Kata because he caught Mike completely off guard. That’s how you beat him. We know that’s how you beat him because it’s the first time we see him genuinely lose, other than when he lost to Miyagi multiple times, which is another instance of Mike being caught off guard and losing, because why would he expect an old man to be that good at Karate (and also, it’s Miyagi, of course he’s gonna lose to Miyagi. He’s not comparable to Daniel). Can you assume that Silver told Mike to be wary of Miyagi? He’d never seen the guy fight.

&

Anyways this movie has been on repeat in my brain since March and nothing I can do can stop it so why not indulge in it, huh? Just a look into my dark and twisted mind

[velvetporcelain]

slut for luck

surprising what you can do with a little bit of emotional intelligence. —- today i feel wiser.

driving on the way home tonight and thinking about how good it feels to have disappeared from a world that doesn’t even exist —- it made me smirk like the grinch.

NOTHING IS IN MY WAY—— so i step on the gas a little more. testing my luck, but baby guess what?? i am god’s favorite and I got the power of 777 around my neck.

i am starting to use my own brain, if that makes sense. the advertisements, influence and trash is almost removed —- or maybe we are just getting started baby. let’s go, i am jacked on life. —- but seriously like it’s amazing to observe the changes in HOW i think—— what i am thinking may still be the same — but the HOW—- everyone is always asking HOW DO YOU DO IT?!

—- ha. a lead foot and a little bit of luck baby.

— i think we try to change WHAT we think without realizing that it’s never going to change because you are you and you think what you think—- it’s time to start accepting yourself baby!! —— i find it funny that the last question in the phrase “who, what, when, where and how” IS HOW. —- haha god, we are stupid fucks. creatures obsessed with conformity and we feed off the shame we are happy to give ourselves but try so hard to reject from others!!! —- who gives a fuck?

THIS IS LIFE AND WE WAKE UP LUCKY EVERYDAY!!!! — with the ability to CHANGE— no other creature on gods earth can do that— be whoever they want to be —- all those other creatures change to defend themselves—- maybe you are fighting against the world instead of you and that’s why you always seem to be failing at life. or feel like you’re losing —— you with me???? —— it’s so easy to say now but when we are in a state of confusion due to over saturation then our bodies shut us down!!! AKA depression. —— listen to yourselves — your body is made to communicate with you——

so WHAT ARE YOU LETTING INTO YOUR BODY, which houses your mind, which is controlled by your mind, —— do you see????? are you listening?

there’s more than just pain, and remember pain is the last resort my love.

you don’t need someone to love you, you need to love you. —— and maybe some music, especially the blues. do not let the world be your muse—— everything is created from within. so within, so without.

now onto the next stage of grief— denial. denial of the beast,—— the beast was a fancy religious word for our animalistic human traits— man is the beast, beasts create horrors—- stop denying this—- this is why you cry— this is why you are sad. —- if you do not accept this— then you live a life of constant grieve — a loop of denial—- you are eating your own tail.

—- okay, well not i feel super vulnerable, like all my secret thoughts are here with you, naked, my brain feels exposed —— well, do you think it’s pretty? Do you want to touch it? Lick it? Bite into it? ————— fuck it? well i just couldn’t handle you saying no, which means i would have to punish you, and we wouldn’t want that now would we baby? i am only sinister, here, inside my mind. don’t worry, my body will be soft, feminine and so so so nice.

did i proofread?

-x

[deepfriedpaddymayne]

i feel like augustin was making paddy's storyline a bit less bleak than it was historically and i was looking forward to seeing what they would do with them in s2. well, i guess joke's on us for getting attached to a frenchman...

I put off answering this ask because I KNEW that the moment I did I would start rambling and it sounds like that time has come so I am sorry in advance my friend

But, yeah, you've hit the nail on the head. Part of my attachment to having Augustin in s2, and to Augustin and Paddy, is specifically the fact that I just would really, REALLY like for Paddy to heal. I know that historical Paddy Mayne never really recovered from Eoin McGonigal's death, but they have taken other narrative liberties with the show and characters, and also, and this is kinda snarky, I just don't think that makes for a very interesting storyline to watch? Obviously grief in real life CAN be, and often is, like that, but when you are watching a show, you don't wanna sit through a character stuck in the same loop of grief for four seasons. Especially because (1)this show is not a tragedy. Yes, tragic things happen, but an important element of tragedy is the futility of the characters' actions to prevent the tragedy from happening. While this story STARTS with a tragedy, that first jump that doomed so many of them, we know that it won't END that way, because we know that most of these men will live, and more importantly, we know that their actions are not futile. With that in mind, the idea of Paddy's ending being him alone with his grief doesn't really sit well with me. Also because, (2) it's not like it would be hard to showcase that a part of Paddy will forever be defined by the loss of Eoin, while still giving him a healing process and a happier ending than he got to have IRL (there is a whole other rant here about how queer people engage with historical fiction and especially biographical historical fiction, which I actually wrote a wholeass essay about a few years ago lmao. Anyway).

And at least for me, it's important that part of that healing process DOES involve him having a romantic relationship again (I would be fine with it being just implied, the way it was with Eoin, though I would prefer it if it wasn't, because if Stirling gets to fuck his made up girlfriend in the sand, then Paddy should be allowed to kiss a man, but I digress). And the reason for that is that... ok, let's talk about Eoin. We actually know SO little about Eoin. There are hints here and there, but Eoin's main role within the story is loving Paddy (and also dying. And haunting the narrative). Which is fascinating, because I feel like while Paddy is casual about it, he does have a bit of a Thing about being unlovable and unlikeable - he tries to own up to it, but he slips a few times, like when he remarks that he will go to Stirling's funeral because Stirling liked him, FOR SOME REASON, and also his general deer-caught-in-headlights look when Eoin offers him affection, like he can't quite believe it's happening. Which is partly why the loss of Eoin hits SO hard - because Eoin loved him, in spite of everything about him, Eoin loved him so much that it was his main defining trait. And I fully believe that once he died, Paddy also saw that as losing the only chance he was ever going to get at love, because who else could ever love him, when he has the heart's invisible furies within him?

And THAT'S when Augustin enters. He meets Paddy at his absolute worst, he watches him try to prove to him how ~fucked up and terrible~ he is...  and he is immediately delighted. Like, yes, Paddy and Augustin drive each other up the wall IMMEDIATELY, but also Augustin likes him SO MUCH. My man watched Paddy try to shoot himself in front of him to prove a point, after manhandling him into the sand and holding a knife to his throat, and then was like omg girlllll are you single? Yes and that's why you are like this? Oh I am sorry but also good to know. AND THEN HE WATCHED HIM ATTACK HIS FRIENDS BECAUSE OF A FUCKING PIANO and was still just so happy and charmed when Paddy's way of apologising was cooking them a gazelle and suffering NO consequences. Like GOD he was down SO bad SO quickly, and that was after seeing the absolute WORST of Paddy, and sure, that's because Augustin is also insane, but so is Paddy, so they'd be great together. And I think that would have been so meaningful, for Augustin to grab Paddy's cheeks and squeeze them and go, "FUCK YOU, I AM GOING TO LOVE YOU, WITH ALL THE DEMONS". Can you imagine? What it would be like for Paddy, who thinks he's never going to be loved again, to have someone who doesn't just love him in spite of the warning signs, but because of them?

The way I see it, with Augustin out of the picture, there are two possible routes the show can take. The first is remaining closer to history, probably giving him some sort of healing process that involves his community but without a romance, accepting that Paddy's chances at romantic love really did die with Eoin. Which would be, like, fine, but I have already explained why I don't love it. Or, they give Paddy a different romance, but the thing is that I sincerely doubt they are gonna be able to manage something that's as interesting as whatever Paddy and Augustin have got going on - they've really captured such a unique, fascinating dynamic, and I don't think they could replicate it with a different character. Similarly, the new character would either not experience Paddy at his worst, which makes the romance less meaningful imo, or they would just have to make Paddy regress to episode 5 levels of insanity again, which would not be especially interesting to watch, since WE HAVE ALREADY SEEN IT.

so, yeah. tbh I am just going to put on my clown nose and large shoes and bright coloured wig and hope that we get Augustin back for s3, cause I do genuinely think he is the best character progression possible for Paddy. and also because I want my insane frenchman back goddamnit

[seeinginthedark]

More things coming to me now , in this psychosis of mine :

I want to go back to the astral realm like fuckn ASAP. But the only way I can get there is through sleep paralysis. So I’ve stopped using because I remember the other times I’ve had sleep paralysis was when I going through withdrawals from the substance I used to have a lot of.

I need to go to the astral realm to confirm what is going up there . Yesterday someone told me that the matrix extends “ up /into” the astral realm, not just here.

How could this happen. It fits into my theory that A.I technology/the Artificial Consciousness has infiltrated our afterlife processes , putting us in these never- ending reincarnation loops. I can’t confirm this until I go to the astral realm and see it for myself .

So I’m grumpy and tired as fuck because I’m not using . I know I can’t just Willy nilly enter that realm on a whim, I need to go through the initiation first. The spirits and beings up there put you through some rough times to see how you handle it. A personal sacrifice has to be made, or surviving a trauma also can be an initiation.

Well once again , my lover, my husband, my other half has been put on the chopping block. I told these entities to leave him alone . He’s been through enough. We’ve been interfered with , again. He’s been removed from my life . That was the sacrifice. It’s sad . I miss him . We can’t see each other or he will get arrested. We had 18 beautiful, drug free months together. No fights, no arguments, no infiltration, no violence . Then a sudden personality swap , things whispered in his ears , paranoid thoughts and him lashing out at me. I didn’t even call the cops this time. It was my pesky useless mental health nurse that did. The entities know how much I love this man. They know what it means to me to lose him. That’s why they fuck with his mind, to get to me. To cause me trauma. Force me to survive it. Initiate me . Invite me into their world. Increase my abilities. Continue this on -going mission that I keep trying to complete, life time after life time. My soul is getting so tired of this. And I miss my Inner Earth home and my Inner Earth family and my Inner Earth friends there. It’s been very isolated for me here, on the surface of Mother Earth. It’s so fucked up how people treat each other here. So I have to push on with the mission.

It’s ok. I’m an alchemist so I know how to transmute my pain into something useful and positive. Pain has become my power. It is the gateway. But I hate seeing my husband suffer for it each time . Now he’s addicted again, missing us, not able to see us . Stuck in an addiction loop.

You know that addicts are truly beautiful souls deep down. They are important for this battle we are in. This battle for humanity and for our souls. They get stuck in addiction as it’s part of their plan, the bad entities. Who feed off the addiction and pain that goes along with it. I see addicts as heroes who forgot they were hero’s . Lost track of the mission.

I’m seriously sick of being messed with . I’m done with being trapped in this matrix simulation . I’m coming for the ones that created it and the ones that monitor us . I’m going to destroy them. I’ve known since I was a child we were being watched. I’m not paranoid about it, just aware. We won’t be enslaved anymore . Or tricked and deceived and used like batteries. Putting families through hell. Exploiting us.

Enough is enough .